r/tifu

This is just a weird as story, but goddamn do I not feel incredible agony on a very sensitive area of my body. I don’t know what is going on with me lately, but every time I turn around, I always have some type of issue in or around my vagina, and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t really understand how, but for some reason I ended up with an ingrown hair on my right vulva. I believed that it was just my body being a bitch to me as usual and tried to pluck the hair when I showered. Here’s where I fucked up. My shit started hurting even more to the point where I had to remove my panties while in bed with my husband, despite the fact that I’m bleeding. I couldn’t take the pain anymore and started squeezing the area that I partially shaved where the ingrown hair was. Apparently this bitch is now a whole MF abscess sitting on my right vulva. The pain in that area went from a 7.5 on a scale of 10 to like 15 as I tried to squeeze. My husband didn’t really care to help me hold my phone with the flashlight on or try to get one of my alcohol pads off the desk to clean it. I saw a considerable amount of pus come out of it, but I still felt like it wasn’t done. It really hurt even more when I squeezed harder, then the MF squirted me right under my lip. Of course my husband was still trying to go to sleep because it’s 2AM, but I didn’t want to sit in juicy yellow and red substances emerging from the pores of my skin where my crotch hairs are. I was able to use some tissue to clean it up after attempting to squeeze all the pus, but now I’m grossed out by the fact that I had a pussy pimple squirt so close to my mouth! The site still hurts, but I’m still fighting the urge to puke because of this thing! 😭🤢😭🤢😭🤢😭🤢😭🤢😭🤢

TL/DR: I tried to pull an ingrown hair from my right vulva only to later have it turn into an abscess and squirt me near my mouth when I try to pop it.

A year ago I begun to try exercise and watching what I eat, mainly calories. Having realized I was pretty overweight during high school (175lbs at 5'8). Having a shitload of free time as a dude in my early 20s this should be an important habit to form before life actually hits me (As my older co workers put it). I’ve now reached a healthy weight range (140lbs) and I’m now experimenting.

Last Friday (August 23rd, 2024 for you folks from the future) I bought a 0.9 pound bag of tortilla chips from my local supermarket, Fresh by Brookshire. A location in Northern Texas. They were called “Housemade hatch tortilla chips”, clearly store brand, store original. Had a variant called “Original”.

What drew me to these chips, as you can see: were the macros. I’ve only weighed my food recently and have learned alot about food, caloric density, the way western society can encourage it. And slowly gravitated to less calorie dense foods, not all at once, but gradually.

I feel I have a good grasp of the weight and volume of foods, 360 calories for 170 grams of chips? Large, wide chips? That take a long ass time to chew.

That’s almost a 2:1 ratio, where most Doritos and nachos have a 4:1 ratio at best. I could fill a large bowl with these, and a smaller bowl can get up to 80 grams (170). That in addition to okay protein and high fiber, I can snack AND get something out of it! it sounded too good to be true!

It was…

As snacks on Friday, I ate a total of 250 grams, half the bag. Should have totaled up to 530 calories. On top of a chicken wrap, potato wedges, and roughly 300 grams of carrots. That night my stomach felt terrible, but I just chalked it up to the amount of fiber I ate that day. Roughly 60.

Woke up the next day (August 24th) not feeling particularly hungry until after my walk. Ate a banana. Then finished off that bag of chips. Which should have weighed about 404 grams in total (Ate about 150) which should have been under 350 calories.

Took a ride with my father after the gym. I noticed that despite eating 460 calories up to that point, lifting and 400 calories worth of cardio didn’t make me feel that tired or depleted. He noticed I bought the chips and wanted to try some himself, I said one pack was fine but he insisted I get two, and when I told him the first pack was gone he said I should get three. On his credit card. Despite me saying we didn’t need three

Did that. Still didn’t feel that hungry until a bit later, ate more carrots. then the chips…

In truth I only assumed I ate about a bag and a half that day. Maybe more. 700 grams in total that day. That’s 1500 calories of chips! Pretty insane but hey, I tracked it all, I’m still in a calorie deficit. I only ate small fruits and veggies that day aside from the chips. Worst case scenario, I worked out that day. And one bad day wasn’t going to ruin me. They have fiber and protein after all, that’s good for you!

Then I posted about these chips on a subreddit. Got all sorts of flake, “You sweet summer child”. “Dude come on!” With no elaboration. Until a kind user told me he couldn’t find shit about these tortilla chips online, which prompted me to search and have the same realization.

Another way to check, another kind user pointed out, the fat/protein/carb ratio. Essentially 9, 4, and 4 calories a gram each. I did the math already. The label describes a serving of 85 grams of chips, not 170, as 360 calories.

The label was off by 100 fucking percent!

My stomach was screaming at me the whole time about this, I assumed it was the fiber, I assumed it was just cuz I ate a ton of chips, even if they were “Good” chips. I put more stock in a government label than my body.

Hell, the government probably doesn’t even know about these. Like I said, I can’t find shit about these online. They don’t exist in any calorie tracking app, last I checked not even the fresh website lists these.

In reality, I did not eat 530 calories of tortilla chips on Friday. I did not eat 1500 grams of tortilla chips on Saturday.

I ate 1000 calories of tortilla chips on Friday, and 3000 calories of chips on Saturday!!! Because of an inaccurate label!

TLDR: I ate a shitload of homemade tortilla chips from Fresh by Brookshire because an inaccurate nutrition label led me to believe they were worth half the calories they actually were! Instead of eating 2000 across two days, I ate 4000 across two days on top of my meal and fruits/vegetables!

Edit: Forgot to add, this morning, I did report this to corporate office (Accidentally saved their number instead of that store) and they’re “Handling it” but I got something to study for, been putting it off too long honestly. Need to lock in.

Tw trigger warning, abortion and negativity alcohol and drug use.

I’m 17 years old 18 in February. I’ve made a series of horrible decisions that have lead up to this. I party to much I hang out with older guys and I drink too much. So yes I know i live a bad lifestyle and to be honest my actions have consequences and I knew that yet I never thought any of my decisions through.

I’m about 7 weeks pregnant I believe. I started noticing my period was late and after 4 days of not getting it I panicked and got 3 different tests to confirm my unfortunate decisions 1 clear blue digital and 2 clear blue ultra. They all came back positive so it unfortunately was not a fluke.

I’m really scared as well because there’s 3 different options as who the father could be and 1 of them is a little older than me. I’m even more scared of my parents finding out because they are very religious and conservative. We live in Florida and abortions are banned after 6 weeks. Im getting morning sickness and throw up so many times each day. Eating sucks cause I know I will throw it up.

Im so scared of what will happen. What do I do? What are my options. I know I’m a screw up and my actions have consequences but I’m not ready for a baby and if I was my parents wouldn’t let me put it up for adoption.

Basically I know I need an abortion I don’t know where to get one I’m very nervous. And I don’t want my parents to find out because they will kill me.

TLDR: I need an abortion before my parents find out that I’m pregnant and don’t know who the father is.

(Possibly NSFW)

So just some backstory, my mom and dad have an ongoing prank war since around the time they graduated college, sometimes stopping for a while, not always escalating in intensity, but still going strong after 20~ years.

About two hours ago my mom called me and my sister into the kitchen where she was on facetime with my dad. She was still wiping tears away from laughing and showed us the phone and my dad on the screen, looking far less amused, covered in purple.

He explained that when he opened his grape fanta that my mom had packed in his lunch, it started spraying foam all over him and the floor. My mom told us she had done something to make a delayed mentos eruption basically (i forgot how) and she was over the moon that it had gone so well. A pretty good one, I thought.

Now although the season has been out for a while, I've still been getting a ton of The Boys memes on all my social media feeds, and one that's been stuck in my head is Billy Butcher saying "fckin diabolical, cnt." So while we're all laughing at my mom's prank, I switched on my Billy Butcher voice and - in full accent - said, "Fckin diabolical, cnt."

Suddenly the whole room goes quiet.

Then the, "What did you call me?" (Genuinely)

I tried to explain to everyone that it was just a meme, and even asked my sister to tell them about it, only she hadn't heard of it so she wasn't helping at all.

My mom hung up and got super pissed and took me back to my room. But I forgot to put my vape back in my pocket when I came into the kitchen so it was just lying on the bed next to my laptop. She took my vape without saying anything and then for some UNKOWN MOM REASON she picked up my laptop and scrubbed the mousepad to wake it up, and because it's my lucky day it was open to a Billy Butcher edit that automatically started playing on full volume, opening with BB saying "F*ckin diabolical," before transitioning into basically a thirst trap edit. Before I could even explain that that's what I was referencing, she slammed the laptop shut and said "I'm taking this, too."

I just hope my laptop locked because I really do not need her seeing what was on those other tabs.

TL;DR Me, and then Billy Butcher, called my mom a diabolic c*nt and now both of us are in trouble.

Edit: Spelling/grammar

As a 24 year old guy I'm getting to the point where a quick hairline check every once in a while feels like a good idea in case I'm going bald and gotta mentally prepare. Usually the way I'd do this is every once in a while, usually late at night when taking a picture with flash on Snapchat, I'll notice something and try to get a better view. Well last night I did a quick check. Saw Snapchat say "sent" after I tried to save it, and checked my sent folder to make sure I didn't just send a picture of my shirtless chest and slightly receded hairline to someone else. I didn't see anyone on the recent list outside of the people I was already talking to and thought "huh, weird" and then I closed the app and went to bed.

This morning I wake up to my homie sending me a reply and being like "yo that's a crazy 1AM story dawg" and a picture of my head and chest. I immediately realized what happened and went to delete it, already over a hundred people had seen and nobody said anything, thankfully, outside of my friend warning me but oh my god the embarassment I feel right now is out of this world.

-10 million aura points for that for sure

TL;DR - Accidentally posted a half nude picture of me checking my hairline from above in a groggy middle of the night state for hundreds of people to see.

EDIT: my favourite part of this is this is an actual fuck up so good that everyone in the comments is just getting mad being like "why did you fuck up" lmao

EDIT: just to make everything abundantly clear to anyone who wants to push hair loss drugs, or tell me to accept balding, or that I'm worrying about it too much. I'm good on drugs, I am not bald, and you're right, but to me it seemed much easier to explain checking my hairline quickly (a fairly relatable concept for most guys as they age, at least dudes I know in real life and not angry nerds on reddit) rather than that I have extreme anxiety spirals and worrying about my hair is a strange coping mechanism that not even I understand fully understand. It doesn't happen often, only when I have a lot of external stressors in my life, and when it does, it's usually my reminder that I should take some time off work and relax for a bit.

Another point I'd like to touch on is "why use Snapchat" because about a hundred comments have hit my inbox asking this, and the answer is four fold, one, I was already on Snapchat, it seemed quick and easy, two iPhone front camera autofocus sucks at night, Snapchat does not utilize the same software, three Snapchat has its own free storage and a section solely for hidden pictures, and four, it was late, I was groggy and lazy.

Point is, Jesus guys, this is Today I Fucked Up, not, today I was completely and utterly perfect and did every single thing right and I have absolutely zero flaws and everyone needs to tell me why I'm wrong. I shared a funny fuck up, knowing the fuck ups, knowing I'm not perfect, and having a laugh while sharing my embarassment but I wasn't expecting this to turn into a "let's all jump on Future-Speakers dick party and flood his inbox with the same four things all day".

Ha ha sex injury, get it all out now. But I didn't know so maybe someone can learn from my fuck up.

I have cervical cancer and had a radical hysterectomy (everything removed) on 8/5. Recovery was awful that first week but now that I'm 3 weeks out I'm feeling pretty much back to normal. Some tenderness in my belly, some hot flashes, and I'm tired, but overall I'm like ok I've got this!

I knew that sex was off the table for several more weeks so that I could heal but I wondered about alone time so I tried looking it up. Everything I read said that I was good to go even the same day I had surgery if I was up to it and avoided penetration. Cool, great. But I didn't find anything specific about my type of hysterectomy and I think that's where I really fucked up. My surgery was not done laparoscopically and since my cervix was removed there are more internal stitches and that's the only thing I can think of for what went wrong.

Everything was fine up until the end. Right at that moment I felt an intense stabbing pain in my lower right belly area. It feels like a pulled muscle with acid poured on it. I went from such a high to a pretty sad low lol. When my boyfriend got home I told him I sat up too fast and hurt myself since I was limping a little and wanted to hide my shame.

TL;DR - strummed my lady guitar too soon after a radical hysterectomy and it really fucking hurts

Edit: Thanks for all of the concern guys! I called my GYN and cried and awkwardly told him what happened and he was very sweet and also I'm fine 💜

I love Costco, one of my favourite places to lose everything in my wallet and get hit by seniors who are too old to safely drive.

Today, I needed a refill on a med of mine, so I headed to Costco, for that sweet member discount on prescriptions.

As I pull into the parking lot, I got cutoff by a few people not paying attention, all typical for a Costco run, right up until I get to the stop sign at the entrance. This is when I learned Costco carried mattresses, thought it was weird someone would be returning a mattress to Costco, must have been one of those “rental” things some people do.

So I go in, order my meds, and start doing the sample routine while I wait.

Was a great time for samples, everything was out and ready, so I loaded up.

Then I get to the produce and start going through the centre aisles.

Time to find a chair and relax.

Then I see it, the holy grail, the display mattress for whatever that guy from earlier was returning.

I size it up, its a Sealy, and a thick one at that. This was going to be good.

Walking toward the mattress, I break into a light jog before diving straight into the soft fluffiness and heavenly bliss.

And this is where I fucked up.

Flying through the air, full fatass belly flop of glory, straight onto the mattress.

The moment my beer baby touched the surface of the mattress, I knew I was fucked. In an instant, the joy on my face turned to horror as I realized this wasn’t a mattress, but the wood of a box spring, and now the contents of my stomach are burning my throat and leaving me feeling like I’m going to vomit, alongside the pain of the impact.

Got up and laughed it off while coughing, and regretting the decisions that brought me to that point.

TL;DR: I fucked up by diving into what I thought was a mattress, but was actually a hard surface.

hello there. Basically what the title says.

Today I went to an orthopedic doctor after many years of knee pain.

Why after many years you might ask, well lemme answer that. I’ve had this pain for like 7 years and I went to 3 different doctors (you might think why 3 different ones). Two were orthopedics and one was a surgeon. The first one told me that he is not sure what’s wrong with me, the second one told me that it’s probably growing pains ( I was still growing at that time) and it will solve itself out and the third one took one look at me and told me that I should probably consider more physical activity (I’m not obese, yes I have few extra pounds but nothing horrible. I have over 10 000 steps everyday and I run, so It’s not like I sit on my ass all day). So after that I just gave up on doctors and learned how to cope with that pain. I learned some taping techniques, used ointments for pain and all that jazz.

Well yesterday I got really annoyed at the pain I was in so I looked up some other orthopedic offices in town and today I went to one of them.

So I went to the doctors office, waited for my turn and went in. The doctor was very polite and nice. He asked me a bunch of questions so I told him the whole story and that my pain gets worse in summer because I’m always doing something (walking, running, hiking). He examined my knee and sent me for an X-ray, X-ray was all good and so he thinks it’s a problem with my patella (more common in women). Prescribed some nutrition pills for the knee and I went home. All happy because somebody finally examined me properly and SENT me for an X-ray which none of the previous doctors did.

Now comes the fucking up part. Because I don’t know what kind of witchcraft did that man do but I’m in so much fucking pain. I can’t bend the knee and it just hurts so bad. It’s agonizing. I put my knee up on a pillow and I’m not moving at all and it just hurts. So if there are any doctors out here please tell me what to do, is it normal to be in such amount of pain? Or am I just overreacting and I should take a painkiller?

TL;DR went to the doctors after years of pain, got somewhat of a diagnosis. In pain after the examination

So today I decided to look around for some alcohol because me being a bored teenager with nothing to do and with my parents not being home was willing to do anything to have some fun. So I was looking through drawers and the I got to my moms drawer and there it was, a bag of Mike fucking Tyson edibles.

So I just sit there and look at it and think that hey, 25mg doesn’t sound like a lot so I may as well eat two right? Wrong.

Infact so wrong that the rest of my day was so fucked that it was its own personal anti-drug commercial. And the best part I said everybody’s favorite line 30 minutes in, “These edibles ain’t sh-“ and with that a series of bullshit had started. The only good thought I had the rest of the day was to get some food ready, so I go down stairs, grab Takis because o love them and set up a little perch on my bed.

Quite honestly I was enjoying myself until I realized my mom would be back in two hours. I thought oh I’d be fine by then because an edible high would probably be the same as smoking it would be.

I just forgot to account for the fact that I was completely fucking stupid! So after I think this I take a shower and that’s when I realized “oh boy I’m in for it now” when I looked at my wall with shampoo and stuff and it looked fake. I can’t describe it was fake and I just sat down and laughed at it for 20 MINUTES the entire time just laughing my ass off at fucking Old Spice.

I then realized that my mom would be home and I need to do something before she realizes I’m high. So I get out of the shower and start watching tv in my bed. -This is where the personalized anti-drug add I mentioned earlier comes into play- so I lay down and up to this point I felt heavier and heavier and when I payed down I almost couldn’t get up and then I watched tv and not any tv, no I just had to be volume 5 of Mandela Catalog. But because of my anxiety in general and watching a scary ass horror series I am paranoid and it doesn’t help my high ass who starts hearing things around the house that weren’t there like doors opening, random steps-etc and I am terrified because my dad who works in law enforcement hates the very idea of drugs and if he discovered that I was baked out of my mind he’d probably kill me, so I am now terrified of a multitude of things.

And then my fucking mom gets home. She has my little brothers who got home with her and I am terrified because I’m supposed to either sober up which didn’t happen or pretend I’m sick which I did and my mom takes one look at me and comes to the conclusion that I’m high as hell or actually sick and she goes with the ladder for some reason and gets me medicine which didn’t do ahythong because I wasn’t sick and then boom I’m out of trouble but still high so I slept the rest of the day, until now where I’m still high and my dad thinks I’m sick just like my mom and I am scared and have no idea how to explain me being okay the next day.

TL;DR: Me a dumb teenager wants to get drunk ends up finding moms edibles and gets unbelievable fucked and has to play it off.

This happened today.

Here I was, innocent little college me, refilling my roommate and I's minifridge with some cans of the sweet, lovely nectar of the gods that is Dr. Pepper. However, woe is me, and with my infinitely buttery fingers, the can of Dr. Pepper slipped from my grubby mitts and plummeted toward the hard carpet. It was at this moment that I discovered why fragmentation grenades are so effective in warfare: shrapnel. In this case, the shrapnel was countless droplets of Dr. Pepper coating anything and everything in our dorm room, including the walls, my roommate's sheets, everything in my open closet [ even my dress shirts :( ], both of our computers, etc. Luckily, I managed to save my bed from the angry soda spray by being in the way and getting absolutely covered from head to toe in Dr. Pepper. We've spent the past hour using wet paper towels and screen cleaning wipes to try and get the Dr. Pepper off of whatever we can. Every time I look at any surface, soft or hard, I see Dr. Pepper. It's on the dressers, the desks, my shoes, my other shoes across the room, E V E R Y T H I N G.

TL;DR: I coated my dorm room and everything in it with Dr. Pepper

This actually happened this evening. It's currently 3am and the movie is on repeat in my brain.

My wife and I like to walk the dogs around our neighborhood in the evenings. And like a good neighbor, we sometimes chit chat with people we encounter sitting on their porches or walking their dogs. Convos are usually the fleeting, banal, small-talk, type. So, I can get away with letting my brain be on auto-pilot 99.99% of the time.

It's important to know that my wife is a "people person." I am not. I would rather get kicked repeatedly in the shins by a small child than listen to someone talk about the weather, their roof, or the latest news from our HOA. (Especially, while I'm being eaten alive by mosquitos.)

But, I digress...

As we approach a house that's one of our regular stops, my wife tells me that she's overdue in responding to this neighbor's text messages. Ok... So, what? 10 seconds later, we're exchanging pleasantries and my brain is already off somewhere thinking about my credit score or something. 60 seconds later my consciousness slowly tunes back into the conversation like an old FM radio and I hear the words "Roscoe," "cancer" and "HE's lived longer than the doctors said" and I realize I actually have to behave like a sincere, empathetic, human being for this conversation.

I say something like, "Oh no, I had no idea that you are dealing with this."

My wife and the neighbor continue talking about cancer drugs and some supplies she received for a protocol they didn't need. (I guess she was hoping my wife knew someone who might have use for it?) She didn't sound inconvenienced because she kept saying that she didn't want them to go to waste. At this point... I thought they were talking about her dog "Roscoe." So, I chimed in... "Did they charge you for these extra supplies?" To which she replied, "Well. Medicaid."

I know a circuit fizzled in my brain because I remember being confused that her dog had Medicaid.

Anyway... Fast forward another couple minutes and we're winding down our conversation and just turning to leave when I opened my big, stupid, mouth and looked down at her dog and said, "Well, he looks like a happy pup despite being sick."

She looks at me and says, "Mosey's fine. She's not sick." Then my wife's inner voice kicks the filter off its hinges and says to me, "What are you talking about? Her husband is sick." To which the neighbor echoes, "Who were you talking about?"

Fuck. Me.

I don't remember what I said or how I said it but, I apologized for confusing the names of her FEMALE dog Mosey, with her HUSBAND Roscoe. Under normal circumstances, one might be forgiven for making that assumption. But, we've stopped to talk to this lady for years. I've even been in their house...

I'm cringing as I type this.

TL;DR - I feined interest in small talk with my neighbor for years and forgot that her female dog was named Mosey and her Husband was named Roscoe while discussing her husband's cancer treatments where simple context clues could have kept me from sounding like an ass to a sweet old lady.

A few months ago, I was in a really bad spot mentally. I was doing really poorly in all my classes and my procrastination and anxiety had gotten to a level previously unanticipated. The medications I was prescribed did not help at all and part of me wonders if they were placebo. Anyhow, I signed up for one of those "productivity courses" on Instagram, and I paid 600$ for 3 months. There was a no back out no refund policy and I felt really pressured during the first meeting to commit as fast as possible, which should've been a major red flag in hindsight. I cannot believe I just trusted him and allowed myself to be molded like that. We did May and June, and we decided to postpone till August since that's when school would start. Well, it's August now and I received the automatic charge. I didn't land a job this summer, so I don't have the means to pay for this. And he's charging me anyway, saying it'd be unfair to other students. My fault for agreeing to the contract but this seems so mean. He's so well off and he already got most of my money.

TLDR; lost 600$ and yeah i'm fucked :(

Not today, but not so long ago - and I still cringe about it to this day. It was before the days of ubiquitous supermarket self-checkouts, and this supermarket - Sainsburys in Holborn, London - was experimenting at the time with a single line for all six human checkout operators.

It was a few days before Christmas, and the supermarket was very busy - the line was about twenty deep, and it seemed to take forever to get to the front.

As I reached the front of the line, a guy in his fifties approached from my left, smiled at me, and cut in front of us all, and started to unpack his groceries onto the belt.

Now I know I've been using the word "line" in this post, but as a Brit we usually say queue, and one thing we Brits are renowned for is that we definitely know how to queue.

So in my most indignant voice I said loudly to the guy: "Hey mate, the queue is back there", pointing to the line of twenty or so behind me. I felt rather proud for defending us all from this attempted cheat.

"Oh okay mate, I'm sorry" he said.

And he walked away.

Tapping his white stick.

I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed. I wanted the floor to open and swallow me whole. My queue neighbours shot daggers at me, and the checkout operator seemed to have fury in her eyes.

I followed after him begging him to take my place instead, but he refused, insisting I was correct to scold him.

Somehow I managed to survive the onslaught of shame directed my way, paid for my goods and got out of there alive. But with my dignity very much not intact.

TL;DR: I sent a blind man to the back of the supermarket line for trying to get served before the rest of us

I was showing a picture to my boyfriend of a funny looking cat I want to adopt. For some reason I was showing it through my Snapchat gallery.

Next to that picture was a screenshot of my therapy notes which includes my mom’s entire life story, her alcohol problems and my childhood trauma. Literally the darkest of the dark secrets. One of the sentences was “OP’s mother came home drunk every single night and her sister had to take care of her”.

My sister called me and was freaking out. She asked me that why would I post that. I was wondering what on earth have I posted until I saw it. The damn screenshot of my therapist note.

My finger somehow accidentally slipped and I posted that picture on my snapstory for around 10 minutes. Now my classmates and coworkers know my deepest darkest secrets.

TLDR; accidentally posted a screenshot of my therapy session notes to my snapstory

You've read the title, few days ago I downloaded some new animations for Whicked Whims. It's a mod that allows your sims to have real sex, it's really popular, there's loads of stuff and usually pretty safe.

I downloaded an animation pack, and something just felt off about it. I brushed it off, played for a few hours, went to bed. Yesterday I start my PC, excited to play some Sims and it just takes a really long to boot up and suddenly a windows command window pops up und closes again. Very sus.

I immediately scanned with windows defender, did a big scan, took like two hours, didn't find anything. So next step was to text my brother (personal tech expert) and he told I should probably wipe everything clean and do a fresh install if windows. Wouldn't be a huge deal, but my last back up was made in 2021.

Since 2021 I played about 500-600 hours of sims, I have a safe file I've been playing with since release and the plot really developed during that time, all of my university stuff is on my pc, I study Game Art and our assignments consist of making games and assets and all my digital art is only safed on my PC as well, which is in total about 100GB+ of stuff I would loose.

My brother told me i could get the most important things and manually check every file if it's corrupted, which I'm probably gonna do, after deleting everything. I just really don't want to risk having some type of malware on my system. Usually I take the whole safety thing serious, never clicking links, never dowloading stuff from sites i dont trust a 100 percent, keep my software updated. But I'm for sure gonna learn from this.

But yeah I feel really humiliated that all of this happened because if Sims porn.

TL;DR I downloaded Sims porn, probably got some sort of malware, and now I'm gonna wipe everything without having a real backup.

So my mom’s (64F) birthday was 5 days ago, and I (20M) entirely forgot to wish her a happy birthday. I felt kind of bad, but we don’t have the greatest relationship and she’s forgotten my birthday plenty so I planned to just wait until she forgot and moved on.

Well, today is my cats birthday. I didn’t do anything big, but gave her some treats, all the cuddles she wanted after work, and refilled her favorite catnip toy with fresh nip, then also sprayed it down with catnip spray and let her go to town

Well the video of her playing with her catnip toy was very cute and I was sending it to my friends and absentmindedly sent it to my parents too with an explanation that it was her birthday

My mom responded super dismissively and is texting me that she’s disappointed in care more about a cat than her. So yeah, TIFU by sending my mom a video of my cat.

TL;DR I forgot my moms birthday then sent her a video celebrating my cats birthday instead

For context: my family is military and we have received overseas orders. We’re allotted a moving company to come pack our stuff up for us and send it overseas within a 2 to 3 month timeframe, and we’re allowed 2-3 free checked bags in the meantime while we wait. The movers are notorious for damaging/losing boxes throughout the process too.

So yeah… in preparation for our big move, I had spent the whole previous night sorting through which items I can send and which ones I needed. I stayed up until around 8am and they were scheduled to arrive and pack up at about 8:30 so I managed to get a 15 minute Power Nap. When they arrived, they got straight to work and packed up everything (and I mean everything).

Usually I keep my important legal documents in a filing folder that I keep stored in my dresser’s bottom drawer. Now with everything going on, I forgot to take out said folder from the drawer and realized it way too late when they had already left. When I say important legal docs I’m talking about everything: birth certificate, marriage certificate, SS card, passport… literally everything. So now I I am royally fucked and have to hope and pray that my docs aren’t lost in the move or damaged or stolen.

TL;DR: I accidentally had all my legal documents packed and shipped and have to wait 2 to 3 months to hopefully receive them, and pray they aren’t lost in the meantime.

Obligatory “this happened two years ago but the story is funny.”

So a while back ago in high school, my friend and I were talking about movies and she had asked if I saw the movie “Signs.” Now, my family is a huge movie family so it’s hard to find a (popular) movie we haven’t seen, so she was surprised when I said I hadn’t seen it. As I recall the conversation going, she said that it was a “good family-friendly movie!”

A few years past, and I am in a hotel room for work, bored, and I see it in my suggested on streaming. I thought, “Hey, why not? Mel Gibson, good ol’ Joaquin, a Culkin brother… this movie should be adorable!”

I didn’t really think much of it, other than maybe a thought that it wasn’t as funny as I thought my friend made it out to be, (“I’m insane with rage!” really got me) but I really knew something wasn’t right when the news station scene popped up.

So I called my friend and asked, “I’m finally watching that movie you told me about years ago and I’m really unnerved… I thought you said this was a family friendly movie?” She responds with, “No, Portland, I said it was a movie about a family.” Which, to be fair — after finishing the movie — is still a good descriptor of the movie.

Needless to say I’m no quitter, so I finished the movie in absolute terror and barely slept a wink that night, especially after the TV reflection scene. shiver

Edit: I should’ve known better when I saw the director was M. Night Shyamalan. 😔

TL;DR TIFU by misunderstanding that a movie about a family does not make it a fun family movie, but can instead being a terrifying movie about a family being hunted by aliens.

So yesterday I went surfing for the day with my brother. Got up early and basically spent the entire day on the water (8 hours total). Around the 4 hour mark it started to get red when I blinked which I have experienced before so I brushed it off as normal. An hour or two later everything that was normally black/ or a very dark color started to appear as red/maroon, which I haven't experienced before. By the time I left the water all the rocks on the beach were ruby red, looked totally insane & I knew I overdid the day but figured I'd sleep it off.

Here's where things get weird.

My brother & I get back to camp and he started a fire.

It was monster energy green... I totally panicked realizing I actually fried my eyes and tried to sleep it off. Wake up the next morning no difference.

So here I am, over 24 hours later and this is where I'm at: Black is now maroon, pure white is monster green. Red and yellow are both different shades of orange & Minecraft diamond teal is just straight up grey. Feeling quite depressed & hoping my vision returns but not feeling too hopeful. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated lol

Edit: Heading to the hospital, appreciate the comments lol

Update: I have burnt corneas. Eye doctor said very likely not permanent damage & should correct itself within 3-4 weeks. No direct sun exposure in the meantime… So its looking like a shadedsummer for me (baaad joke) . Appreciate the comments and kind messages for keeping me busy during the 12 hour ER visit!

Update 2: Had my first good sleep since the incident, starting to see some improvements. Teal is coming back a bit, only significant impact currently is red through yellow all appearing the same. Whites still a bit green.

TLDR: I spent 8 hours surfing and somehow made myself colorblind

For the past two years I have used the same wax earplugs every night as part of my routine. I hate most noises as I'm autistic but I also can't fall asleep without some sort of show on in the background. My solution has been to put earplugs in lightly and turn the volume of the iPad near my bed up so I can just hear it but not enough to disturb anyone. This has been a great system for two years. Until this morning. I woke up and one of my ears felt funny. I realised what it was when I went to take my earplugs out and realised one had somehow gone down my ear canal. This had happened a few times before so I did my usual methods to try and get it out but nothing was working. When I grabbed my ear camera I realised it had lodged at the end of my ear completely covering my ear drum. Bear in mind it is wax based and so it had practically assimilated to the shape of my ear canal. Despite some attempts to remove it with my numerous tools (I get bad earwax so I have a lot of ear cleaning stuff) I still barely moved it Even after using ear oil and cream it hadn't budged and had actually started to hurt. Eventually my mum insisted on dropping me off at minor injuries so I went. They where having trouble because it was the same colour as my ear drum and very hard to differentiate. When they did try and remove it, it was insanely painful (and I have a high pain threshold) so they had to stop. Now Im on my way home, in a lot of pain, waiting for a call because I need fucking surgery. Safe to say I will be getting different earplugs. TL;DR: I used an earplug and now I need surgery.

UPDATE: I have surgery scheduled for Thursday. I'm hoping it all goes smoothly but due to it being on the same day as a cardiology appointment I might have a two week ECG machine strapped to me. Not sure how the surgeon is gonna feel about that. Will update after the surgery.

This one is pretty funny now that I've had a few days to process it and recalled most of the interaction. On Friday night I wanted to celebrate the end of my academic journey and a job offer I have been hunting for years to receive.

So I settled on a club to go to with my friends and it was a regular rowdy Friday as far as my rowdy nights go. Now BEFORE I lost my sentience to alcohol I spotted this one cute girl getting a drink and figured I'd give it a shot (This is very out of the norm for me since I'm so absorbed into varsity, academics and my part time job that I genuinely never had the time to even date all throughout my college years). Flirting isn't exactly my greatest asset but I'm great at having normal conversations and being funny so I just go with that.

I start off the conversation smoothly with a quick compliment, find some common ground (In this case she goes to the same college I do), then dive into some funny stories. At this point I am 100% certain that the two of us are having a good time but I was also like 8 shots deep into all sorts of liquor so after the subject of how the driving commutes to campus can be a bit long, I throw an off-handed comment where I go

"Of course I never drive while I'm drunk. I always test myself with a complicated ass math equation to test my sobriety"

"What?"

"Aha! Watch... 24 x 162 = 3888 sooo I think I'm still 2 shots shy from asking for your number"

She laughs...great right?...RIGHT?

Well she didn't give me her number, so instead I decide to make this a running joke. We go on the dance floor and every few minutes I would just spout some random ass combination

"50 X 10 IS 500!!!!"

"12 * 2 IS 24"

Her: "Looks like you're still going strong!"

Me: "Yeah maybe I AM good enough to drive home after all!"

Then at one point I stopped trying to calculate and that's where the fuck up happens

"1 x 50 IS 2000!!!"

"0 x 10 IS NOT ZEROOOOO!!!!!"

With every wrong calculation, her look of excitement shifted to terror.

"Oh man I am SO GONNA DRIVE HOME TONIGHT! WHO KNEW MY TOLERANCE WAS THIS HI-"

Then I blacked out, woke up on my friends couch and a few hours later he came out of his room to tell me how this one annoying girl wouldn't leave me alone when I was out of it.

She apparently was trying to talk to me but I was GONE, so she went to my friends instead and kept tapping them on the shoulder and saying "MAKE SURE HE DOESNT DRIVE HOME PLEASEEE!"

Then whenever she'd get back to dancing with me and one of my homies are close enough to hear my shouts. They would hear me yelling out random ass math equations while she looked like a terrified hostage in the conversation

I don't have her number, I cant remember her name....man the one time I go out of my element and I fuck it up this bad

Also fun fact: I sold my car a month ago

TL;DR: Messed up a potential relationship/date by getting too drunk at a nightclub

My friend and I would enjoy playing video games together, but on several occasions, she would want to up the stakes and make things more interesting.

Her proposal was that if she won a game of Mario Kart against me, she could do anything she wanted with me, and if I won, I could do anything I wanted with her.

Little did she know how good at Mario Kart I was.

The first couple of victories were harmless enough. I'd win the race, and I'd say things like "you've got to talk like Wario for the next race," or "I get to borrow your DVD's," most of which was wildly amusing and diabolical for me to ask of her.

But the thing about it is that I kept winning, and being the dope I was, I thought I was on a hot streak getting all this free stuff from her and I played it up like I was some kind of pompous court jester gallivanting across the courtyard.

Every now and again, she'd put the same offer back on the table, and I'd keep winning, and she would make her frustration known the more she kept losing races in Mario Kart.

And it didn't help that I'd brag about my victories within our circle of friends, celebrating with invisible trophies and spraying imaginary champagne.

It wouldn't be until we were older and grown apart that she would disclose to me that she was a little upset by the whole thing, because she would practice playing Mario Kart for HOURS before racing against me in the hopes of winning.

And the reason she wanted to win was because she found me to be handsome and didn't know how to initiate this attraction she had.

The whole time, she was hoping that I would ask for a kiss from her whenever I would win, but me being the dumbass I was kept asking to borrow her Linkin Park albums and to draw buff kittens with sleeve tattoos.

So not only did I miss my shot with my friend, I also broke her heart every time I would clench victory from her on the final lap, performing the miracle last second overtake monouver or cackling like a cartoon villain whenever the spiky blue shell of doom would nuke her dreams.

TL;DR My female friend wanted to win a game of Mario Kart against me so she could kiss me but never won, and I kept winning and asking for anything except physical intimacy.

This FU was set in motion last year, but came to fruition today.

Last December, I visited my folks over Christmas and during my annual clean-up-all-their-electronics tasking, I thought it would be funny to change my mom’s nickname on her phone using the ol’ "Hey Siri, from now on call me <name>" trick. I figured it would get triggered at some point during the holidays and we’d all have a good laugh. Never happened. And I completely forgot about it until today.

Fast forward 8 months later. Mom went out to lunch with her pastor and a group of other elderly ladies after church this morning. They were handing their phones around the table to share pictures of grandkids and vacations, and one woman asks whose phone she’s holding. Another woman, showing off her mad tech skillz, says, "You can ask it! Hey Siri, whose phone is this?"

And Siri responds with, "I believe this iPhone belongs to Big Tiddy Meemaw."

Mom immediately knew I was responsible. Didn’t even ask if I did it, just called to chew me out. And I made it worse by laughing too hard to apologize before she hung up on me. I am so dead…

TL;DR: My 80-yr old mother’s phone called her "Big Tiddy Meemaw" while at lunch with her pastor and church lady friends because I am an idiot.

This happened yesterday and I’m dying of cringe. Went to a friends wedding, and stayed at another friends house. Festivities were great and we partied hard. I had to be up early the next day to drive to another engagement.

Alarm goes and I’ve had like 4 hours sleep. Hit the bathroom and take a massive dump. Shower, ablutions etc. Friends are all still sleeping, so I decided to peace out without saying goodbye.

An hour or so later I’m driving and suddenly realise I didn’t flush. So now my poor friend is going to go into his bathroom and get one hell of a crappy surprise. To make it worse, there were a bunch of people who stayed over so there may also be some finger pointing as to who did the deed. I’m too embarrassed to even text him about it. Fml.

TLDR: forgot to flush and left a giant dump in my friends toilet.