I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in .

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old due to the rules of this sub.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending!

Original : June 24, 2022

edit more INFO added to bottom

To set the scene, I(35M) like to drink cold or chilled water and my partner (33F) likes room temperature preboiled water.

To accommodate for both our needs, we have a kettle for boiling water, after which it is transferred to 2 water jugs, which are either left at room temperature or used to refill the dispenser in the fridge.

Onto the situation, 3 months ago I emptied both room temperature jugs into the fridge and boiled more water at night before bed. Partner came down, was furious she had no room temperature water to drink and we came to an agreement - dont fill up both jugs into the dispenser and leave her one.

(Editor's note- to clarify since this part was a bit confusing for people in the comments on the initial post. Basically OOP boils the water in the kettle and makes hot water. This is transferred to the 2 water jugs. One jug is left outside the fridge and cools to room temperature. The other is poured into the dispenser in the fridge, making cold water. Thus they are left with 1 room temp water jug and the equivalent of 1 cold.)

Fast forward to Today, there was going to be some burst water main repairs outside by the utility company so in the morning before my partner woke up, I decided to make sure we had enough water to drink. I filled the dispenser with 1 jug, then halved the room temperature water in the other jug into both

(we had previously shattered a jug on a cold day when we poured boiling water in, so I thought I'd temper this by making sure the boiling water would enter lukewarm water reducing chances of shattering the jugs)

I went back to work and thought nothing of it. Partner wakes up and goes down and she is furious. She doesnt have any room temperature water. I try to placate her by mixing the lukewarm water with water from the dispenser to make "room temperature" water but its futile.

She wont relent. She tips the entire bottle of water I mixed out into the sink and tries herself and cant get the temperature right either. She is absolutely raging at me at this point for not listening to her or caring about her needs. She storms out of the house in a huff.

So AITA here or is perhaps this being blown out of proportion and mixing water to a specific temperature is not as big of a deal?

Edit: Okay wow, this really blew up. Who knew water would be so polarising... never thought this post would start Lukewarm Watergate.

Just got off work and reading through all the replies. Looks like theres lots of questions so I'll do my best to answer them and provide some clarity.

Thank you everyone for the comments, the stories, the judgements, and everything in between. Appreciate all the input so far and theres been some great takes that I'll take to heart and consider properly. Including how best to communicate post watergate with my partner.

So more INFO:

Who boiled the kettle and filled the jugs the previous night? I did

Why did you touch all the water? Firstly we dont have one jug for her and one for me, we have 2 jugs for the household (me and her). I forgot about the water mains being repaired until early this morning when the trucks showed up and they started working. I rushed down and made sure there was enough water for both of us. Not just me. On top of filling all the jugs and the dispenser and boiling another kettle full of water, I also filled a few sinks so we'd have extra water to flush the toilet if need be. I honestly thought the water would cool enough by the time she woke up since it's a cold day, but I guess I was wrong? I didn't expect her to react the way she did.

Is she OCD? No, shes just pedantic about certain things and needs them to be a specific way. But I dont think it's any more demanding than any other person who is neat and tidy and has certain idiosyncrasies.

Why don't you drink from the tap?/Are you Asian? Yes, we are an Asian couple. Many of you have guessed that. Drinking boiled water is cultural, and a preference. There is nothing particularly wrong with the tap water in our country (Australia), but it "tastes" better to my partner after being boiled. Warm, but not boiling water tastes different than cooled to room temperature boiled water to her.

So it's a preference. I preferred chilled water but I'd happily drink room temperature water or even warm if there wasnt any chilled water. I drink what we have, but preferred to have chilled. It doesnt affect me in any big way. This morning I just filled everything I could, including the dispenser.

Why dont you use ice? I can definitely use ice but our fridge has a built in dispenser (that we have to manually fill) so I do that from time to time with water from the jugs. Normally I will only ever use one, and leave one for her. This morning in my haste I used both as I wanted to make sure everything was full - dispenser, both jugs, and kettle.

Why dont you have more jugs? Trust me this is definitely our next step. As well as the brita water filter, but worried she might not like the taste... plus she might insist we boil it first before it goes into the brita.

Why did you pour half the water into an empty jug and fill both with boiling? As previously explained, we shattered a glass jug on a cold day previously pouring boiling water directly into it, because... science I don't know the physics here. Anyways I was trying to avoid that and thought the boiling + room temperature water would cool sufficiently by the time she woke up. I calculated wrong.

Anyways hope that clarifies most of the questions. Will post an update once we've reached an amicable resolution. My guess is that it's not about the water as some people have already said but theres other underlying issues and this was a trigger.

Thank you for taking an interest and for all the comments!

Top Commenter:

INFO: What the actual hell?

The post is judged as "not enough info" based on the top comment

Update : August 16, 2024 (2 years later)

So 2 years on, I thought I'd make an update to the original debacle that confused everyone and polarised the community. There was so many comments, some incredibly empathetic and helpful, some racist and mean but generally I don't believe there was ever a consensus reached. Despite all that, I was incredibly grateful to all the comments received from everyone. Whilst I didn't take the time to reply, I actually did read through them all.

On to the update...

So as some people pointed out, our argument was not really about the water. Generally in every relationship, every person just wants to feel seen, heard, important, understood, and loved. My actions that day did not make her feel that way, and in of itself was more indicative of a longer running issue between us in our relationship.

For a bit of background, we both have (had) childhood trauma and the beginning of our relationship was quite volatile. Defying the odds we stayed together and got married, however marriage doesn't solve those issues.

Over the last 2 years, we've continued to stay together - Yes - We are still married (much to the chagrin of those who were advocating our divorce *side eye*) and continued to grow together.

Believe it or not the incident involving the water was a bit of a catalyst to us having better conversations regarding how we are going to resolve our own trauma and improve our communication.

Long story short, she got therapy, I got therapy, we did some marriage counselling, she got more therapy, I got more therapy and it's been a journey, but a worthwhile one.

When two people really do love each other, and want to work it out, they'll find a way to. I'm so genuinely grateful for my wife, who she was, who she is now, the strength she has and the belief she had in us, and more so in me.

Our communication is better than it's ever been, our intimacy is stronger than it's ever been and we are at such an amazing place. The future looks incredibly bright.

It took a lot of work to get here, and there's a lot more work left to be done, but we have each other's backs and we'll keep going together.

Thank you again Reddit and whilst this update might not be what some of you were hoping for, it's where we are at now!

TL;DR - Worked on ourselves, got therapy and counselling, worked through underlying issues individually, and as a couple, improved our communication by leaps and bounds, we are now closer, stronger and better than ever before!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: okay so I gotta ask

how many water jugs do you have now?

OOP: We have 4, 2 for her, 2 for me hahaha!

Commenter: But I still don't understand why the water? Wife must have felt seen, heard, blahblahblah in other ways in the marriage. What was it about water specifically that set her off into a raging ah? OP doesn't say. 

OOP: There was nothing specific about the water per se, think of it as the straw that broke the camels back. 

Whilst it wasn't our biggest disagreement or fight, the fact it was over something so trivial made us both sit down and talk about the ludicrousity of the situation and realise theres way more underlying issues at play

To be honest I glossed over a lot longer of a journey we've been on, for some periods it was actually kinda touch and go for our relationship

It was like a swinging pendulum over the last 2 years, with periods of feeling hopeful, optimistic, loving to periods of frustration, disconnection and despair

And it was honestly really over the last 6 months that we started getting "it" with it being firstly reaching a place where we are empathetic to ourselves, and our past childhood traumas (it's ridiculous how much that stuff affects us into our adult lives) and then secondly being truly empathetic towards each other and lastly communicating in a way that doesnt trigger the other person and being aware of our own triggers

Commenter: You should take a bow for such a hall of famer AITA post about water. There's been a whole summer of dreadful stories by out-of-school angsty teens who just want to rant. This issue was legendary and I hope two eventually found some humor in it as much as a lot of us did.

OOP: Haha yes... Looking back now its easy to find the humour and laugh together at the water, the jugs and everything 

I'm as amazed as anyone that original post set everyone off as much as it did. When I go back and reread it, I can sense the frustration, confusion and overall panic in my tone of voice and in the way I explained the situation, it really was frantic and all over the place lol 

Commenter: As someone learning to communicate and seeing improvement after couples counselling (started after 30+ years married) congratulations. Having that stronger relationship is priceless

OOP: You are so right! Investing into therapy for each of us individually and then as a couple is a tall order for any household but the results and our relationship is truly priceless

I still marvel at my wife's ability to hold space and empathetic and patient for me, and us, and I'm guessing she too feels the same about me which is why is still here right? 

30 years is a long time and we cant wait to get there! Congratulations, everyone deserves to be in a loving and supportive relationship and wish you all the best 

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Original posted 1 day ago in

AITA for telling my boyfriend, that I will wear a head scarf, when he grows his foreskin back?

Throwaway account for privacy reasons.

My (F24) boyfriend (M28) is a Muslim. He usually is not very traditional. We don't live in a Muslim country.

The other day he told me, that as soon as we get engaged, I will need to wear a headscarf to cover my hair. I am very proud of my long wavy hair and a headscarf is absolutely out of the question and he knows that.

When we first met, he even told me, that he doesn't like that tradition and that his girlfriend will never have to wear one.

Now yesterday we had a real fight about it. His parents want us to get engaged and engagement means the future bride has to cover her hair.

It got a heated argument and I ended it with: "I will wear the damn thing, as soon as you grow your foreskin back!"

He left without saying a word and went to his parents place. Silence since then.

AITAH?

...............................................

Edit:

1. I will not wear a head scarf. If that means, that the engagement isn't going to happen, then it will not happen.

2. I got down voted for stating that I love him. Please keep in mind, that the fight is less than 24 hours ago and I miss him. We had a very good relationship for 1,5 years and never fought before. We were planning on moving in together after getting engaged.

3. I will not convert to his religion, he knows that and his mother seemed fine with it. His father never said anything about it. I am Christian and will stay Christian.

4. People assume that his family is behind the head scarf idea. I am not sure about it, but it might be possible. If they are, they were good at hiding it, since they never said anything.

5. His family immigrated 3 generations ago into the mostly Christian country we live at. He himself never visited the country (Libya) his great grandparents on his fathers side came from. The family on his mother's side I don't know.

UPDATE posted 8 hrs. ago in

Alright, this is all complicated.

I called my boyfriend (?) this morning. He didn't answer, his mother did.

I told her that I would like him to come get his stuff from my place, since this relationship will not work out any longer.

She told me, that he came home yesterday, all quiet and sad. After his father asked him what happened, he told them what I said. Apparently this caused his father to giggle, before he told his son that my reaction has been obvious all along and that he isn't surprised at all.

Turns out, the parents aren't the religious influence, it's the uncle on the fathers side. Apparently he told my boyfriend, that the guests at the engagement party (its a big deal with this culture, with about a hundred people, they come from everywhere and probably bring their whole household, the dog and the neighbors) will probably have a heart attack when they see a pale blonde fiancé without a head scarf.

My boyfriend must have had a very deep conversation with this uncle about tradition and being the oldest son and all that stuff. Basically brainwashing.

Long story short, he is my ex boyfriend now.

His mother will come by tonight to get his stuff.

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is .**

, Posted August 27th, 2019.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years. Last night she had some friends over after she finished work. I work from home so I only left my office to be formal and say hello and continued working. It was easy to hear the conversations they were having eventhough my office is down the hall. I then heard my girlfriend mention that she would leave me for a taller man.Her friends made a comment on how I was a lot shorter than her ex boyfriend. My gf responded:

"If only he was as tall as [ex] he'd be 10 times better, If I could find someone taller than him, I would."

I guess I should mention my gf is barely 4'11 in shoes. I'm 5'9. The issue isn't the height, but the fact that she would leave me for something so trivial. I talked to her about it since and said she didn't mean anything by it, just that she always dated taller men. She has since apologized multiple times.

Is this a red flag of any kind of things to come or is it just me over thinking?

UPDATE: I didn't feel the need to make an entire different post for the update so here it is:

I left early in the morning to make sure I wasn't making irrational choices. When I came back she was immideatly apolegetic, but I didn't want any more apologies. I talked to her about how little respect she had for me that she felt the need to make jokes at my expense. She started crying and begging not to break up and feeding me the standard bs people say when they don't want to break up.

To not bore you with the details, I broke it off. I lose nothing at this point.

I should clarify something from my initial post. I get that people can joke around and it doesn't mean anything, but when I confronted her about she denied it and got very defensive. That's the part that got to me. The fact that she tried to cover it up before apologizing.

I read all the comments and thank you.

, Posted September 8th, 2019.

So I read all the comments on my last post and even after breaking up with my girlfriend, I was doubting if I made the right decesion. I wasn't going to update because I didn't see a reason to do it, but after the the last couple days I came to a final conclusion.I want to clarify that I broke up with my girlfriend because of how easy it was for her to disrespect me behind my back, not because of the actual height difference.

After I broke up with her she continued to apologize to me. She would send me letters and call me a lot. In one of the texts I actually responded to, she asked if we could meet up and talk. Without going into to much detail, she wanted a second chance and overall sounded very remorseful. I was about to agree, but something she said made me realize I would be making a mistake if I did. She said, "I'll remember to respect from now on." That sentence made me realize that I made the right choice by breaking up. Since when do you have to be reminded to have the bare minimum of respect for your partner?

Either way I'm glad I didn't give her a second chance. I don't know if any of you care at this point, but there's the update.

On a sidenote, the other day I was hanging out with one of my female friends who happens to be taller and I guess she saw us and started texting me that "she doesn't need me," started saying that my friend was a pig and that I moved on to fast. Blocked her and had a laugh I know for a f, act I made the right choice.

**Reminder - I am not OP.**

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted] and

My husband said he fucking hates our baby and wishes it was never here

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: neglect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse

  Aug 1, 2024

My husband has no patience with our 4month old. We’re older parents; I'm 43, and my husband is 55. We’ve been married for 2 years, and our son wasn’t planned—it just happened. At first, he was happy, but once the baby arrived, I realized he was no longer happy

He rarely helps with the baby, claiming he doesn’t know how to do anything, despite me showing him simple tasks like changing diapers and putting on clothes. He says it's too hard and never truly tries, so I’ve been doing it all myself. Our baby had colic and would cry more than usual. My husband hated that and would get very annoyed if our son cried for more than 5 minutes. He would yell at me, “Do something! Get him to shut up,” and never once tried to help.

I felt so alone during the first few weeks after our son was born. Then my husband began complaining that the baby was taking up all my time and I had no time for him. Now, our son is 4 months old and has started being very clingy, crying every time I put him down. It's been really frustrating because there are times I have to set him down, but I never let him cry for more than 10 minutes

Yesterday, I had to run an errand and left my husband to look after our son. I wasn’t gone for long it was probably 15 minutes after I left , when he called me, saying I needed to come back because he couldn't get the baby to stop crying. I told him to try taking the baby outside. Shortly after, I got a notification from the baby monitor and saw our son in his crib crying. I was so frustrated that I turned around and came back home. When I got back, our son was still in his crib crying, and my husband was just sitting on the couch. I was furious and asked him why he left the baby crying for so long. He said, "I couldn't get him to stop. I fucking hate that thing and wish it was never here."

His comment surprised and saddened me. I know everyone gets frustrated at times, but I feel like his comment was over the top and I don’t know what to do anymore

  Aug 5, 2024 (4 days later)

I’m planning an exit strategy that my husband doesn’t know about. Even though he apologized for saying he hated our baby and wished it wasn’t here, I no longer trust him. Recently, he has been trying to make amends, but I’m still uncertain about my feelings towards him. This morning, I woke up later than usual and found that both he and my son were gone. He had taken our son for a walk without informing me, which made me panic and almost call the police. They returned just before I did

I told him not to go anywhere with our son because I no longer trust him. He insisted he would never harm his son and that his comment was made out of frustration. He felt I was overreacting and was hurt that I viewed him as a terrible person

I told him only a terrible person would say they hated their helpless baby and wished they weren’t here. Despite his efforts to help more by changing diapers and feeding our son, I’m struggling to move past his hurtful comments

He has four adult children from a previous marriage and he has a close relationship with them. From what I’ve seen, he seems to be a good father. Some people have suggested he might have postpartum depression, but when I brought it up, he dismissed it, saying he just gets irritated when our son cries for too long. He claims he’s working on his patience, but I wonder if his age (55) contributes to his lack of patience with our four month old?

I’m in my head a lot —deep down, I think I know what I need to do to keep my child safe, but another part of me wants to give him another chance

Had to delete my account due to an overwhelming amount of emails, but here’s the link to my first post:

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP when asked if it was a head injury since her husband was is a father and had kids before

He’s never had a head injury. He mentioned that he doesn’t remember his own kids crying as much as our baby does

Has her husband been a hands on father in the past

I’ve tried to get him to help with our baby, but he keeps saying he doesn’t know what to do, despite me showing him. He admitted that he never did anything for his kids; his ex wife did everything

Comment by OOP

I’m not judging him for expressing frustration; we all get frustrated at some point. But I’m currently at my breaking point. My issue with him is that every single time our son cries for longer than five minutes, he yells at me to “shut him up” or “do something now” He doesn’t even help or even attempt to. He’s only started showing some interest in our son recently because I think he fears I will leave

NEW UPDATE

  Aug 16, 2024

I know most people might think I’m crazy for leaving him alone with our son again after he said he fucking hated him and wished he wasn’t here, but I thought things had gotten better. He told me to take some time for myself today, but then he texted me while I was out, saying he needed a break. It completely ruined my me time and gave me so much anxiety. I was already uncomfortable leaving them, but he kept reassuring me that everything would be fine

Our baby is going through the clingy phase right now, and I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s normal, but he thinks I’m enabling it by holding him too much. It just feels like things aren’t getting better. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if he’s right that I’m holding our son too much. I’m just so frustrated right now

TRANSCRIPT OF TEXT MESSAGES

H for Hubby

H: He cries every time I put him down it is all your fault because you hold him all day

H: When are you coming back home? I need a break

H: I can't get him to stop crying you need to come home now

OOP: It's almost time for a nap I think he's just tired can you put him in the crib now?

OOP: I'll be home in an hour

OOP: I haven't been gone that long and you're asking for a break. You literally told me I could go I asked you more than once if you were ok taking care of him and you said it was ok

H: Not if he's crying the entire time I am not okay with that

OOP: You're always complaining it's so exhausting at the point

H: Because you're not getting the point your making it hard for me

H: Not if he's crying the entire time I am not okay with that

OOP: You're always complaining it's so exhausting at the point

H: Because you're not getting the point your making it hard for me

H: He's crying everytime 1 put him down and you get mad at me for letting him cry

OOP: If you need to get stuff done then it's okay to put him down and let him cry for a bit I have no issue with that

OOP: You're trying to ruin the little time I have to myself that's exactly what you're doing

H: Every time I try to talk to you you get defensive it's like you don't want me to say anything

OOP: Because you're not making any sense and you're trying to pick a fight with me because you have to look after YOUR child!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now deleted

Originally posted to

I don't want my sister’s bf to propose on my wedding day

Thanks to + for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: entitlement

: July 24, 2024

But everyone is against me and my mom said I was ungrateful because my parents are paying for the wedding.

The wedding is on Saturday and they just told me that Last Monday.

this was going to be a part of his speech. I said no so my mom suggested that I would instead of tossing the bouquet I would go and give it to her like on tiktok and he would propose. I said no

My mom got angry when I still said please no, because this suggestion would be at the end of my party anyway. And wouldn’t steal from my party.

I am not good at writing these things so I am sorry if I am leaving out plenty but I can’t stop crying. Aitah? Sometimes I feel that I am sometimes I feel I am not.

I want to stay anonymous so I will not be answering questions about my location or names

Additional Information from OOP on growing up with her sister at their parents’ house

OOP: Yes. I have never had a birthday of my own growing up. Always my sister too would get a cake candles and gifts.

Then people refused to buy gifts for both so my parents divided the gifts between us.

When I was 12 my aunt was very angry that they gave her gift to my sister instead of me. So next birthday they hid all the gifts from other people and gave them to me after the party without my sister’s knowledge because people refused to share the gifts between us. That was my last birthday that I celebrated until I moved out. I told them I didn’t want birthdays nor gifts anymore just pancakes for breakfast.

Relevant Comments

pnut0027: If I was a woman and my bf proposed to me at my sisters (or anyone’s) wedding, that would be a swift no in front of everyone who matters to him.

OOP: It was something she showed interest in and her bf “got the gesture “

round_robin959903: Wait... Your sister wants her bf to propose at your wedding? I mean, I'm already on your side and you're NTA.

OOP: That’s what I understood from my mom. I asked her why they would even think my sister wants to be proposed to like that and she said that she has shown and hinted to her bf that she would love that because everyone would witness it

OOP on if her sister is younger than her and if their mother is calling the sister her favorite one

OOP: She is 3 years younger yes

Ih no I have always known she is the favorite. But now they aren’t even denying it

Pale-Wishbone5635: Get your husband to say in his speech how pleased he that his beautiful wife is getting her special day and anyone planning on spoiling that by announcing babies, proposing or even just football results can leave now! Then he will look like an AH if he does it. Also make sure the bouquet goes anywhere but to your sister. And prime the DJ to switch the mic off if he tries. You need to fight fire with fire. Also, kick them out if they do it. Have security ready!

SubstantialAgency2: NTA, just cancel the wedding, waste their money, save, and pay for yourself. Do it your way.

OOP: I can’t cancel the wedding. It would be very disrespectful for everyone who took the time and effort to attend. My friends and family. My husband’s family. I love these people you know. Not my mom and my sister’s bf very much at the moment though.

OOP on if there would be open mic at the wedding and responds to preventing the proposal from happening

OOP: No, but besides the MOH and bestman and parents, it is “free mic”. And I guess my mother would call him up is the plan

We are definitely canceling free mic

: August 15, 2024

New reader, please check my first post.

Hi! I am sorry for not updating earlier. This is my update. My husband and I read all the comments to my post and I want to thank you for your indignation on our behalf. Then my husband said that this probably would be the reaction everywhere, not only on my post. So we decided them embarrassing themselves was the best punishment. We decided to, well fuck it. I am marrying my best friend, nothing else matters.

I ignored my family for the rest of that week, up until my wedding the and I was busy anyway. I saw them first at my wedding. My mother made her speech then she asked my (I guess future brother in law now) to join her. He proposed and literally 2 or 3 clapped beside my mother, sister and . The rest looked like the meme girl (side eyeing chloe) so my husband was right. After the awkwardness, the rest of the evening was amazing. I spent it with my husband and close friends.

My sister, fiancé and mom sat sulking for the rest of the night because I don’t think anyone went to congratulate them. Mom sent me a text later asking if I sabotaged it I didn’t answer because like leave me alone I am on my honeymoon, I don’t want drama but also I don’t care what she believes, I will bot explain myself. It is not my problem how little self awareness they have that they don’t even understand that what they did was actually frowned upon by normal people.

Thank you

Relevant Comments

MattDaveys: Imagine the memory of your proposal being a group of people just side eyeing you, no celebration or happiness at all from them.

No matter what happens she’ll never be able to change that. Ain’t karma a bitch.

jadechemicalinsomnia: the wedding guests understood the assignment

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 21st August 2024

- 22nd August 2024

Paid to have grass cut while out of town and landscaper stole my lawnmower.

I used a 3rd party service that basically hires local landscapers to cut your grass for temporary needs.

Never had an issue until I returned and went outside to cut my own grass to find my lawnmower missing as I usually keep it on the back porch(TORO branded mower in video).

I reviewed the cameras to my amazement the hired landscaper stole my new lawnmower that was used a couple times and tried to push it through the neighbors yard(idiot assumed the camera was a narrow view).

3rd party said it's theft and now I have to deal with the police to track this landscaper down and return my mower.

Comments

SnowInTheCemetery

Makes me wonder how much of the equipment he uses for his "business" is stolen from customers...

peioeh

I wonder if some people actually used this service more because their equipment got stolen. Solid business plan right there.

No-Development-8148

It’s like the “if you teach a man to fish” proverb, but reverse

Updates

UPDATE

3rd party gave me direct contact to landscaper. His excuse is he thought it was broken and took it off my hands because he assumed since I called them it was broken.

Now he's claiming someone stole his trailer and the lawnmower was in the trailer.

Talking to sheriff now and filing report sheriff says it's a felony theft as it amounts over $500.

Sheriff reached out and told him he is giving him 24hrs to either bring the lawn mower or pay the full amount of missing goods. If not he will file a felony theft and produce a warrant(small town sheriff are serious here).

2nd UPDATE

I also posted this to the NEXTDOOR App and someone Private Messaged me they know the landscapers mother and sister and will contact them. They also provided his instagram page.

Ok this is getting wild guys!!!

3rd UPDATE

Someone posted the video to Facebook from Nextdoor and now people who know him directly are making fun of him as he goes by a different person on social media(professional/self-made/influencer) and tagging him in the post. I didn't want to doxx the guy I just wanted my lawnmower back.

His mother also reached out to me and asked me to take down the videos and post as it hurts her sons business and reputation. I never laughed so hard. I let her know my next steps and it's not her responsibility to make her sons wrongs right. I sent her the receipt so she can forward it to him as he has 23 hours left before he has a warrant for his arrest.

4th UPDATE

He has deactivated all his social media as now as all his tags are grayed out. It's 9:47pm here people. I will call him at 7am for an update on what he is going to do. I honestly have no faith in this whole situation...

We shall see until tomorrow morning guys!!

5th UPDATE

I woke up to 36 unknown missed calls from 1-4am. Thank goodness for sleep focus and silence unknown callers.

I called him back and my phone goes straight to voicemail so I used my Google Voice number and his number rings. He blocked me from contact when all I'm trying to do is retrieve my lawnmower.

Also contacted the mother and looks like she had a change of heart she tried calling him and he didn't her answer either. So she said "Do what you got to do".

Is the dude trying to flee over a fucking lawnmower?

I'll try again in a few hours. This is now starting to piss me off.

6th UPDATE

I was finally able to get in contact to him through his sister. He claims he doesn't have $579 to pay for a new lawnmower and can I tell the sheriff to give him two weeks to at least get the funds. I told him that is not my issue. I said if you're a business owner you should have some type of credit card or account.

He is so desperate that he even said he'll cut my grass for free to make it up. This undeniably admits his guilt to theft.

I rarely go in the backyard unless to cut my grass or bbq and my lawnmower was missing for almost a week.

I told him he better borrow or ask his family because I'm not budging on pressing charges and following through with the sheriff.

He has exactly 9 hours and counting.

7th UPDATE 3:16pm cst

Sheriff sent a deputy to my house to survey the area and take my statement and get documents from both lawnstarter the company that contracted the landscaper.

Deputy said they pulled him up as he has a record in another parish(county) for guess what # drum rolls THEFT. They are not waiting and are deciding to move forward with the warrant.

I can't feel sorry for this guy. He made this bed now he has to lay in it.

8th UPDATE 6:13 cst

I just received a text from the guy from another number. This dude really is doubling down on his idiocy. Including screen shot. I'm just going to forward this to the sheriff.

Quoted from text

Hey man this is Deshaun. You posted a video of me moving your lawnmower. I didn't take the lawnmower because of bad intentions. I thought it didn't work and I was doing you a favor. I have plenty of customers who ask me to haul their old equipment all the time. I tried starting the lawnmower and it didn't even fire up. I'm not going to pay you for something you left abandoned in your yard. That's on you not me. As for the sheriff contacting me I have a great attorney that will make sure this issue is resolved. You act like this is a downfall but through all this I shall come up. I'll still keep making money and doing great because GOD got me and my family. You stay blessed!!!

9th UPDATE 8:00pm cst

Dude has fell on the deep end now I think it's best for me to cease all communication. It's so bad I sent the messages to his mom and sister. He needs genuine help.

Since only image link can be posted to this comment I merged the messages I sent his mother/sister with his comments.

Warning insensitive comments

10th UPDATE

This is possibly the final update unless I hear anything back from the sheriff.

If he gets arrested I'll make sure to make a new post with the mug shot.

In the mean time I'm going to purchase a new lawnmower this time electric. Where I can leave it in the house.

Thanks Reddit for tagging along. The jokes, engagement, and positivity kept this stressful situation at bay. I appreciate all of you.

Anything new I'll continue to post it here.

I will continue updates in this comment.

Editors note - updates stop here for the time being

Comments

TheRealSugarbat

God, I’m glad for you that someone’s moving on this. It made me really angry.

OOP: What pissed me off the most is how looks directly in the camera to see its field of view as he is leaving.

TheRealSugarbat

He’s a turd. I wonder how many lawnmowers he’s stolen from little old ladies?

racksacky

Geez what a terrible excuse.

If I was dumb enough to steal it I’d at least claim I wasn’t thinking and just grabbed the mower out of habit, forgetting it was yours.

irrelephantIVXX

That's what I thought at first. Like, i could definitely see if it's the last house of a long day and just thinking about gtfo and going home. picking up and blowing off the sidewalk just grab mower and go to the truck. But to be like, "Oh, i thought it was broken, and you would be happy i took your junk away." It is a bit of a stretch. Especially since he didn't even try to start it.

OOP: It's a new mower. I used maybe 2-3x before this happened. The grass clippings bag is not even dirty. He probably started it. It had gas and is a 1 pull start lawnmower.

brunaBla

I’m sorry but your mower is probably gone, sold to someone. That’s why he’s not giving it back. And who knows what that person has done with it. Unfortunately it looks like it will have be taken legally.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I found a friend looking for gay sex on Grindr. He's publicly straight and engaged to a (female) mutual friend. What do I do?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: attempted infidelity, homophobia

  Aug 15, 2024

The title says most of it.

I'm openly gay and single, no shame in me being on Grindr though my public pics only show me from the neck down and I share my face in DMs. I get flirty messages from a similar faceless profile, he's seriously dtf right now, we agree to exchange faces, he sends his first: It's Leo, a friend I've known since elementary school. He's engaged to Lisa, a close friend of mine. They're getting married this October and I already RSVP'd to their wedding.

I did not send my face back and Leo is sending me frustrated and horny DMs about how our kinks are so aligned and I have a sexy body etc. I'm panicking. This is happening right now.

What do I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Technical_Pumpkin_65

Make sure it’s him (people use strangers photos to do their things)and captures the conversations then confront him! Make a facecall and record it ,If it’s him with the proofs you will be able to talk with your friend but without anything she will not believe you.

OOP

It's 100% him. The profile, hobbies, etc, match exactly with the Leo I know and he sent me a naked picture of himself. Not something found on social media. I screencapped everything.

~

Vegan_Digital_Artist

Confront him. Ask him if Lisa is okay with him being on Grindr and screen shot the conversation so if he tries to make you out to be a creep you have proof you weren't.

OOP edited the post/Same day

EDIT: Without revealing my identity, I told Leo I know him in real life and asked if his fiancée knows about his gay sex life.He blocked me without reply. I will tell Lisa and show her screenshots and ask her to keep my involvement quiet. Hoping no consequences come my way. Thanks for the help.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When told to tell the fiancée

I'm trying to come to grips with the emotions here but Lisa does need to know, if Leo is really a lying cheater. But holy fuck. Trying to think of how to go about it. I'd prefer to not expose myself if possible.

Weird_Abrocoma7835

You could make a shadow account and tell her-

Or do it proper. She needs a true friend during these trying times. Meet with her and tell her face to face with proof.

OOP

I think it seems best to tell her in person and show evidence. I'll ask her not to tell Leo or anyone else that I was the gay guy who found Leo on Grindr. But he doesn't know that many gay guys so I'm really worried he'll deduce it's me even if Lisa keeps my involvement secret. I was supposed to have a pleasant week off wtf happened 

&

I'm more worried about being assaulted or some kind of vengeful retaliation than I am about being hated, honestly. I think I'll tell Lisa in person and beg her to keep my involvement secret. 

  Aug 16, 2024

Sorry if this is the wrong way to post an update. Things have been hard here.

Lisa met me for "coffee", I showed her evidence of Leo on Grindr. She believed me, alright. She cried, I tried to comfort her, she recoiled from me and started ramming into me. Apparently I ruined her life. I led Leo astray. I am personally to blame for her fiance cheating on her. I was trying to be understanding of her emotions and to comfort her anyway until the homophobic slurs started coming. She was always an LGBTQ ally so it was a huge shock. I left quickly after that, feeling like shit.

Lisa clearly told Leo it was me who outed him, he kept trying to call me, I refused all his calls. Then his car parked across the street from my apartment for some time though he never got out of it.

I'm in the dark, but it seems to me like Lisa and Leo are still together and they closed rank by designing me as the villain here somehow.

So yeah.

TOP COMMENTS

alittlegreen_dress

This happens. People in relationships can turn on outsiders and scapegoat them especially when they bring bad news about the relationship. i am so sorry! you still did the right thing 

paige_lauranp

Yup! Usually a relationship destined for doom that drags on and on and is terribly messy. At least you have receipts in case they try to tell any mutual friends you did something wrong.

~

Gubrach

Wait, you can cheat on your girl with men, blame the one dude you didn't fuck, and your girl supports you and turns homophobic in the process?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for not wanting to date a critic of my work?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Bullying, past trauma, physical assault, stalking, harassment, gaslighting, bigotry, sexual harassment, ableism

  March 30, 2024

I am a published author, I mean I am no James Patterson, Stephen King etc and really it's not the purpose of me writing but I make fun money off my book sales. In a given month I am in the green by $100-300 dollars on a new book depending on the book genre and season when first published. I don't really even do it for the money, like I said. I have a fulltime job and do plenty of other gigs as a performer slash artist on the side because it makes me happy. Artistic expression just makes my world brighter and helps me from falling into bad mental health cycles as I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, or what I like to call, the Holy Bullsh*ttery, blessed be it's name.

I started writing as a kid because I am dyslexic - highly - like ever see a person when you spell a weirdly spelt word and they look like they want to jump into oncoming traffic? I'm worse. Don't give me verbal directions FFS text it. Point. Anything. The second my mental word is required to need to know too many words at any given time, I panic. I have tried every class, app, TikTok lifehack...its not my strength. I am good at other things like coding or planning events etc. I have other strengths. So I just do my best and keep swimming like a dyslexic Dory.

THAT SAID I was teased and bullied relentlessly all through childhood a lot growing up and labeled the dunce so the trauma lives.

For an example, I was in my local paper - small town - for an event at school. I was like 2nd grade at the oldest. I made a whole imaginary town out of recycled materials and and had a story with it as my end of year project. I worked on it for literal months, even figuring out how to make it foldable so it easier to travel with it in my grandfathers minivan. My story had 10 chapters and was handwritten in my messy kid handwriting. I had a teacher Ms. Smith. That's her real name because F that woman and it's common enough. She said my project was low class but "I guess I shouldn't expect much from you" and she walked off. Her son, my classmate, stomped my project to oblivion. He smashed my playdough figurines of the people and pets, and as if that was not enough, he pointed and laughed at me when I cried. He then put copies of the article with my picture but added a dunce had and laughing faces in the school - lunchroom, homeroom, etc. I mean the guy could cure cancer if he used that determination on it, I will give him that. If you're reading this Tyler - F you in particular and may your socks always be just a little damp.

I was unlucky enough that when I moved, Tylers mom happen to as well, so guess who had the privilege of that gem's company for 3 grades? Tyler shoved me lockers in the 4th grade. He called me dumb every day. In 5th grade I was called dumb and fat (I was an underweight child).

So fast forward and I am now in my early 30s, still dyslexic as hell. I live in a different state. I have a life and learned ways to deal with my weird brain and function. I moved on from childhood trauma, therapy, etc etc...

There is a guy I liked, Brian, and Brian seemed to like me too so we decided to do "non-date causal hangouts" to see if we vibe enough to consider dating (his words and idea). We hung out one on one for several instances but once he was super late so I had my laptop out. He saw me when he arrived and asked what I was doing and I sheepishly responded I was working on my next book. He inquired more and I told him I published my first when I was 17 and have published at least 1 every year since then and told him of Ms. Smith and Tyler and more horror stories I won't get into as this is now a novel itself lol but that it spurred me to prove them wrong and beat this weird stereotype that neurodivergent folk are dumb, etc. He asked to read it, and I said no. I use a pen name on purpose as those Amazon reviews can make you want to yeet your own soul from your body so I keep it separate from everyday life.

Well, turns out if you know me and my nerdy joys, my pen name is easy to guess. From there its easy to find because I mentioned Amazon and let's just say my bio makes it pretty clear. At our next meetup he asked me if I was said author and my shocked Pikachu face told him everything so he started reading the series. He came back the next time we met to laugh and say "I see why you don't put your name on your works. Don't quit your day job. Your writing sucks." and he placed a copy of one of my books down on the bar.

I couldn't help but drop my shoulders. He was laughing and talking, not seeing my expression and kept saying how he wasted hours of his life and FFS someone take my laptop as it might be a lethal weapon meant to kill us all with boredom.

Turns out he's not into mysteries or fantasy. I said that maybe it's just not his genre and he said it wasn't but "an [R-word] 3rd grader could have done better" and it's a good thing I am good at my job. It was then that I could see he actually took in my expression and he backtracked. "I mean you clearly don't do it for money so it's whatever right? " and said I have other strengths but he did not believe at all that I make money off this. He asserting surely, I buy my good reviews and probably bulk buy my own books to improve sales. I don't do any of that.

I just smiled it away and said "well, I can't please everyone but I did make 250 this month from the sales of my last book alone so some people must like it" and laughed it off. But I knew then and there I didn't want to pursue him anymore. When he texted to see if I planned our next hang out, I was honest and texted back that I wasn't interested and said that while I can take a note or any criticism, the way he went about it was hurtful and I don't want to be with someone who treats me that way for a hobby, that we are different people but I would like to remain friends, as otherwise we get on well, but nothing more.

He went off on me saying I picked the wrong time to lash out as he was having a bad day and now I've made it worse and that I am so rude and petty to be mad at honest criticism. He said that if I am so sensitive over honest opinions, good luck finding anyone who would want my dumb🍑 since looks are all I have with makeup and work and "nothing between the ears"

I blocked him but we have a mutual friend group and almost all of them have been asking me what's going on and that I broke his heart. I was thinking what? How? They said he's been depressed and asking about me and figured out I blocked him on everything and wants to give me a birthday gift (my birthday party past last week and I didn't invite him). My friends are saying we are adults and this is immature.  I mean I am not a saint and I have toxic traits too, but I don't want to be with someone who criticizes me and my work that way and treats me like bantha poodoo. Am I crazy? Am I TAH?

  May 5, 2024

Hi - so for anyone who cares to know, Brian told all our friends that I rubbed my achievements in his face and called him an idiot (I never said anything like that). He told them also about my post so he found it somehow and started telling everyone that I am trying to slander him as "girls can ruin a man's reputation by snapping her fingers" and suggested my next move would be to say he assaulted me.

Some of our friends came at me hard saying I was bullying him and trying to ruin his rep and all he did was asking a girl he liked out for drinks and that I need to apologize and just suck it up and go to drinks with him. They since have either outright not invited me out with the group or disinvited me to events and it was really hard to accept.

I was realy confused, because he was the one who made fun of me and I wrestled with myself going over every talk again and again wondering if I inadvertently said or did something to upset him. It wasn't until I checked our text and message history that it occurred to me to send the screenshots as he called me a moron and then when I rejected him he called me fat, desperate, and stupid. And there were more such messages after he found my book series. So I took screenshots and sent it to my friends and they were shocked.

Apparently according to Brian my outwardly "sweet demeanor" hides my judgemental and cruel side and that I strung him along anf called him a loser when I told him I wasn't interested in dating him. I even pettily went back before all of this and screenshot spme of his rude or mean texts he made. And I screenshot my actual rejection text and his response and sent that along as well.

Now the tides have shifted and most of our friends think he was the AH and 2 of our friends are saying I am sending "my choice" of screenshots to make him out to be a villain and that they have seen the "real" screenshots of me bullying him. I asked them to produce such screenshots but they refused and said I wouldn't be worried about them if I was innocent as some sort of "gotcha".

I feel really bad as I wanted to stay friendly but I can never look at him with any semblance of respect anymore. I am glad it's cleared up with my friends (sans the 2 holdouts but they are now also on the outs with the group) so things are looking back to normal. I have my first publishing party for my next book and everyone is invited but them.

Weird way it all ended but oh well.

  June 22, 2024

So this has taken a turn for the unnecessarily dramatic. I don't know how to update correctly as mentioned in my last post but I did learn to link them (thanks to some kind reddit-folk) so here is my last post:

Anyways, I had opted to ignore Brian and any attempt he made to get a rise out of me. He apologized to the group but then said he was forced to or be ostracized.  He said i was using ly "social captial" to go after him and has since been trying to get any direct cruel words from me which i have not provided him. After a month I can list my top 5 favorites:

1. Going to places I also frequent and sitting nearby me no matter how much available seating there is elsewhere or me moving my usual spot leagues away, and he will loudly have "phone calls" talking about the b*tch who broke his heart because "women are so sensitive"

2. Getting an alt account on nearly all social media to find me and follow my accounts which are public, as a workaround my blocking him, to comment "reviews" on any of my art (books, acting, modeling, doesn't matter, he will comment a reason I suck) and then will simply make a new account when I block the last one and delete his comments.

3. Any time the groupchat pops off with invites to events and I say I am going, he will reply to that with "my GF is the kindest person but I don't think she'd like me hanging out with you" etc. And if I don't reply to invites until he is he will say it's a good thing I'm not coming because of his GF or that now he can't come because if I come his GF will be upset I'm hanging with an ex. (We never dated) - when any of us ask who his GF is he says she's shy and he will introduce her eventually etc.

4. I am speaking at a conference and got excited and shared in the group chat and everyone congratulated me but he said that was okay but not newsworthy and then looked up the conference and saw I have a relative also presenting and suggested that is how I got the spot and not on my own merit.

5. Revealing this reddit name to the friend group and linking my first post as "proof" I bully him despite not speaking to him, not naming him, and leaving put most if not all identifying info about him. He's insisting I edited out the worst parts and I can't prove I didn't so, whatever.

So all of that has been happening and yes I unblocked his phone number only because it was screwing up what I was seeing in the group chat and I got lazy and didn't figure it out. Plus he doesn't text me directly anymore anyway.

Well about a week ago, I went up to housesit for my parents a small drive away from my own home and was due to stay for about a week. I only told the few friends in the group that didn't side with Brian the first round of bs.  I used this time to go to work, and then spend my nonworking hours on my book and I came up with a new pen name. I decided to revamp the whole fictional universe I created and was excited after I designed the cover for my first next book. I shared it with all in the group but him and his 2 flying monkeys but he found out about it anyway and flipped out in the group chat saying I was trying to show off again and that I was trying to steal his spotlight as we all know damn well he is publishing his first book on Amazon this summer and me publishing mine at the same time with my fancy cover etc was just another form of Bullying. He akinned it to if inwore white at his wedding.

I have to honest here. I had enough. I put up with this behavior for months now.  So I flat out said he never mentioned a book to me, and shared a screenshot of calling writing the profession for the [r-word] but unlike sharing the screwnhsot before, I didn't blank out the word.

What a difference a word can make.

Apparently the friend group thought the word I blanked out were "milder" and not slurs and we as a group are quite diverse on every spectrum save maybe politics. So they dogged him for using a slur and he said that he's autistic and he can use that word just like I am black and can say the N word except he typed the full word.

I said "Right - so I'm done with this." And left the chat. I didn't argue or do anything other than leave the chat. I was working at the time and put the phone down like "That's enough humaning for today" and went about my business.

This man rage texted me for hours until I got off work, saw his messages, and blocked him. I then see ads on FB and Instagram about his book, he was paying for ads on social media, his name is on the cover and he has comments underneath calling the book incredible, a masterpiece, undiluted artistry etc.and his book isn't out yet. He said his publishing date was August. I remember because my next book is to come out in July and he had used that as another form of proof I was updating him,  like setting my wedding date before a siblings to show them up.

A few nights ago, he saw me at a spot I frequent for karaoke and I admittedly had been doing shots so I was pretty transparent in my disappointment that he was there when he approached me, calling my name. He went in to hug me and I backed up and cold but politely said hi. He sensed my attitude and thre his hands up laughing saying "ooooh are you in another mood" and I opted to ignore him and move seats closer to the singers and some friends. A few fellow regulars told him to leave me alone and he was spinning a tale that we slept together and I led him on, and now I am ignoring him and acting like I hate him, all because he is writing a book. He said I inspired him to write and I was angry his book was better and cited the reviews he got on social media.

Well, that was enough for some to call him a creep and he went off about it. Shouting and the like. He started to call for me to "come the fck over here and tell them the truth" and that I was trying to ruin his reputation and the time we "slept together" (never happened) will eventually be me lying about being rped. Turns out if you start shouting that sort of thing in a public space while there is karaoke, to a person many in the room know personally...you get kicked out.

It's been beautifully quiet since. I told the friend group what happened and he is out of the group chat. Some still speak to him (the 2 holdouts from before) but they have not said boo to me directly. So I guess this makes this my final update. Not very exciting but a bucket of crazy and I had to share. My neighbors know because one of the regulars at the bar lives walking distance from me and he told everyone at the community pool etc. I have such kind folks I never spoke to but have seen in walking my dog etc saying they are being watchful of my home and to call if I need anything.

I didnt know people could be like this because  he was never  like this before. He always was sweet to everyone in the group and we agreed on damn near everything, he would be compimenting me, telling me how smart and pretty I am and would even joke "Im not hitting on you" and laugh. To be honest, I am excited for August. I will be the first to buy his book. He's using his real name and has been advertising about it so...hey...

NEW UPDATE

  Aug 16, 2024

Sorry I forgot to update this after flip flopping about it since i said my last update was the final,and I mostly read posts and not used to writing them. A commenter reminded me about this so here's the Update since last month because if figure if you don't care you don't need to read it but if you do, here it is.

For reference my last post is about this guy I used to like that I think I named "Brian" basically negging me (I hope I used that term correctly) specifically about the books I write and have written since I was 17 and then pretty much going nuclear when I told him that due to this, I don't want to date him - if you care to read its here

So Brian's promised book came out on the 1st - the cover art looks AI generated and I know he's  really into a site/program called Mid-journey that he makes memes with this month on Amazon. His page promises that it's the start of a series. Even before it came out, it had reviews raving about it being a masterpiece so okay, I went and bought myself a copy.

It's a fantasy story. About 30ish chapters. I don't want to say too many details that could identify him or myself even though I don't overly beleive too many others read it but I suppose I can share that it's smutty but like in a way horny teenaged boy would want it to be, if that makes sense. I actually read the whole thing. There is an elf character by my real first name that the main character sleeps with and she is described remarkably similar to my appearance including my non-natural colored hair. She ends up be outted as a narcissistic traitor and is killed...like GAME OF THRONES style dead.

I talked to some friends that know the both of us about it and even brought the book and we spent a good chunk of time reading pieces of it over drinks and my friends agree it's a rage-write - they even pointed out other characters named and given the vague appearance of other people Brian knows or has talked about and the ones we know he doesn't like (such as our friend group that cut ties with him) all have something awful done to them and characters with the names of his 2 friends that sided with him (still waiting on those screenshots and proof I bullied this man, guys) became rulers in this fictional land and were portrayed as heroic sidekicks to the main character that has HIS real name and of course is the hero of the story. It had several plot holes and I'm not trying to be mean, but it didn't have an editor and it showed.

I promised I am not trying to be cruel about this because the dude did write a book and I know from personal experience that that in and of itself is a hell of a feat. It's hard and at times infuriating and it takes a lot of dedication and time. I'm not trying to belittle his efforts at all - fair play to that - but its quite clear it was rushed. The chapters vary in length with some being super weirdly short and choppy and others being super long and wordy. If you write a book, have it edited. Trust me on this. I'm a wordy person too (if you haven't noticed lmao) plus my brain has a hard time with typos and the like, you don't want something out there not read over at least once at the very least by someone you know to check for these issues.

Brian saw me about a week ago out and about and he b-lined to me - I mean he was zero'd in on me. I knew what was happening before he even opened his mouth.

He needed to talk about his book.

He was so "nice" to me it was actually uncomfortably nice but I can't explain the look in his eyes. He HATES me. He launched into the whole story that he wrote a book too and it was so easy and it's selling really well, probably better than mine (his exact wording, because it was such an obvious jab I couldn't forget, was "Yeah I was so surprised I think I have like double your numbers or something. Maybe it's how I marketed it or something. Maybe you should try...") and he went on to give me "tips" that I so clearly needed.

Then it was time for him to hand me a copy to give it a read. I told him, oh I have a copy. I bought it as soon as I could. He looked shocked at that and I said that I of course wanted to support other authors and he was like "You did, huh? Where is it?" And I said I let a friend borrow it and he handed me a copy anyway eluding to the fact that he figured I was lying or being sarcastic. I had previously taken a picture to send to a friend via text so I showed him the photo on my phone of his book on my coffee table and he sort of glossed over that with a "Well now you have an extra so your friend can  keep the other one". I thanked him and turned to move on with my day but he sort of moved in my path and asked me if I read it and then what I thought of it.

I shrugged and he had this grin and "muttered" (loudly) "yeah I thought you'd act that way" but I just kept moving. A mutual friend sent a screenshot of his Facebook post that he posted that evening of how jealous people are so funny and pathedic and that his book has record sales. The same friend then Commented on the post asking for a pic of the dashboard that would show said sales and he commented a photo I sent in our old friend group chat of MY sales from several months ago when I got a bump in sales. So my friend took the time to scroll back in the chat, screenshot that part showing it was mine, and commented it under that which caused a lot of drama in the comments. People went from congratulations to WTF quick and Brian deleted the entire post and blocked my friend.

Since then he's been avoiding me publicly, but keeping up his fake social media profiles and insulting me every chance he can. He talks to himself as alternate accounts "gossiping" about how I am fake, rude, a bully, jealous, and the like. If I block one another pops up, and a comment will appear from another account "outting" me as someone who blocks anyone I don't agree with for "calling me out".

I stopped blocking mostly because in our new friend group chat, we post screenshots of the comments and messages and it's become a sort of game to spot his accounts.

So "Brian" - becauae I know you're reading this - I will be keeping this account and I've found writer subs here I will be joining. You're welcome to follow this account and good luck on your sequel. I will be the first to buy it. 😘

PS: thanks for the boost on social media as well. Its helped make my accounts more visible - I appreciate the free marketing.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

Thanks to for finding the latest update

4 updates - Long

- 28th January 2024

- 19th February 2024

- 30th April 2024

- 15th June 2024

- 31st July 2024

1 New Update

- 21st August 2024

I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me

I (F, 26) had an affair with a married man (M, 42) a few years ago. I had no clue he was married when we first met and hooked up. I obviously looked him up on social media and while he did have photos of his kids on there, there was absolutely no mention or photos of a wife at all. I found out that he was married about a month after we first got together, but he told me it was just a marriage on paper and that they basically lived separate lives and agreed to remain married for practical purposes until the kids were older. They owned a business, which she really ran and he was just financially involved in.

I knew at the time that I probably shouldn’t believe him, but I convinced myself it was true. I was in my early 20s and so attracted to him and I guess almost infatuated with him. He made me feel so good. I know now that I should have ended it immediately, but I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I was addicted to all of the attention he gave me, the great sex, the places he’d take me. I felt special. I was so naive.

I got pregnant about a year into seeing him. I had always been so careful with preventing pregnancy, but during my relationship with him I took stupid risks. I was so high in lust with this guy, it’s embarrassing. The things he’d asked me to do…I’d say yes to almost anything, even when I knew it was a bad idea.

I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I hadn’t intentionally wanted to get pregnant. I would of course dream about being his wife and having a family but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility while he had this arrangement with his actual wife. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose with any intention of him leaving her for me, even if I wished that we could be a real, normal couple. I was surprised by how excited I was to be pregnant with his baby. I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. The thought of carrying this baby of the man I loved was so special to me, but I knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same.

I told him I was pregnant and he told me I couldn’t keep the baby. I expected his reaction, but I was devastated and it hurt me to my core that he didn’t feel the same way I did. He offered to pay, to make a whole weekend of it somewhere exciting (wtf?) and to buy me something special if I’d just please get rid of the baby. He explained that he didn’t want any more kids and that he couldn’t openly be a father to another kid when he and his wife were still pretending to be happily married to the outside world.

I agreed to do what he wanted and we made plans for him to pick me up and find somewhere out of town to go get it done. I was all packed the night he was going to pick me up, but I started to feel really scared and really unsafe about the whole thing. I took my bag and checked myself into a hotel to hide because I couldn’t go with him. I texted him to say I promised to never contact him again and to never name him as the father or go after child support if he’d promise to leave me alone.

At first he tried to sweet talk me into doing what he wanted. When I didn’t cave in, he said some very nasty things to me and that I essentially better never contact him again or show up at his door.

I have a 2 year old now. At times, it’s been difficult, but overall we are thriving as best we can. I have kept my word about not naming his as the father or requesting child support.

His wife contacted me on social media. Well, she’s his ex-wife now. She wants to talk to me. She found out about me and told me that she divorced him 6 months ago. She wants her children to know their sibling and for my child to know his siblings. That’s weird to me.

I haven’t responded back to her yet. I am unsure about how to approach this. How to I respond to this? I wonder if I’m being selfish by not exploring an option for my child to know his siblings, if she’s being genuine about that. If I was married and my husband fathered a child outside of our marriage I don’t think I’d feel the same that she does.

Comments

Psychological_Cry333

OP are you sure this is truly his ex-wife contacting you? Could it be him using her account (or fake account) to initiate contact with you for some twisted reason! Please be careful and make wise decisions if/when agreeing to meet this woman and her kids! I know you want to do the right thing, just be very careful!

OOP: Technically, no, I have no way to know that it’s actually her at this point.

lynypixie

Since she knows and is divorced now, I would summon him for child support. Ask for a DNA test. The money is for your child, your child deserves it.

eyeball-beesting

So many people telling you to go for it for the sake of the child and possible child support, but I would say that you have good instincts which served you well. Don't ignore them now. You are leading a happy life with your child. You have survived so far without his financial help. Letting her and the children into your lives will be inviting him back into your life too. You also don't know what her intentions are OR if it is even her who is contacting you. No matter what, it will be inviting him back into your life in some way. He made you feel unsafe and wanted you to get rid of your child. He also abandoned you and your child. He cheated on his wife and kids for a long time- he is NOT a good guy. I would say, keep him out of your life. Continue as you are.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 22 days later

I made a post 3 weeks ago and things have only gotten stranger. I had an affair with a married man a few years ago. I regret it and I will never do anything like that ever again. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning, but he captivated me. I was naive. I allowed myself to believe when he told me they were pretty much just married on paper for the sake of their kids. I got pregnant and while he tried to talk me into getting an abortion I ultimately decided to keep the baby.

I have a 2 year old little boy now. I promised this man that I wouldn’t expose our affair and I wouldn’t formally identify him as the father or request child support. I did that because he was becoming very nasty about the whole thing and I felt like due to the mess that I had created and the way I felt by the end of it, a clean break with no involvement with him would be the best thing for everyone. I moved back to where my family is, hundreds of miles from where he and his family live.

About a month ago his ex-wife reached out to me via social media, claiming they had been divorced for 6 months and that she wanted our children to be able to know each other. Now, their kids are teenagers, so I didn’t really think they’d want anything to do with the toddler and the woman their father was having an affair with. It seemed odd to me. After posting here, I sort of decided that I wouldn’t respond to her. I’d just ignore it. She just sent me the one message, so it wasn’t as if she was badgering me about talking to me or meeting me.

On Friday night I decided to message her. I don’t really know why. I think it was really just for my sake so I could have the chance to apologize to her. I told her that I would be more comfortable speaking with her face to face since I couldn’t trust that it was really her. She said she understood. I was too nervous to meet her in person, but we did a video chat. I didn’t know what to expect, if this was all a ploy just to unleash her fury on me or what. I mean, I’d deserve that. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.

It was really her. She told me she discovered our affair when she found communications between the two of us, after our relationship had ended. She told me I’m one of many women he had affairs with over the years and she knew about somebody even before he met me, but she didn’t divorce him at the time. Finding out about my child was the final straw for her. I told her I was sorry for my relationship with her husband and admitted that I knew he was married.

She graciously told me she forgives me and that while she harbored a lot of anger towards me initially, she ultimately blames her husband. I’m not blameless, but she chooses to not hate me, essentially. She said she couldn’t have said this 6 months ago or a year ago when she first found out about me, but she has moved past that. She still has anger toward him, in addition to many other emotions surrounding him. She started pouring out her heart to me about their 20+ year marriage and life together and it was very awkward because what do I even say?

Her kids know about me and my son. She says they’re very mad at their father. Somehow I don’t think they’re mad about the fact that he’s not involved with my son’s life. And why would they be mad about that? I would hate me if I were them.

I told her with my son being so little right now, I don’t really feel comfortable with him meeting her kids or being involved with their family. I feel unsure about it and it’s just not something I feel needs to happen right now.

Then she told me her ex husband was in a bad accident 2 months ago. He’s fine now, still not allowed to return to all his normal activities just yet, but will be fine. He is probably the most physically active person I’ve ever met, barely ever seems to sit down, so he must be terribly annoying to be around if he’s not allowed to go go go all the time. She told me he wants to meet my son. Apparently she moved back in with him temporarily when he first came home from the hospital. She said the accident really shook him up and he has been expressing a lot of regret about my son, not being involved, not providing for him.

So now it’s like was everything she said just a lie and he somehow got her to reach out to me on his behalf? And she actually did it? It felt almost like a relief talking to her initially, but then it’s like was any of that true or you were just trying to be his messenger? I don’t even know if that part is true now. Why wouldn’t he just contact me himself?

I’m just feeling so uneasy about the whole thing now.

Comments

Codeman2542

I'm going to be strait with you. The man is likely high in narcissistic traits and the woman is not going to leave him. She will likely end up with him again. I wouldn't trust anything either of them say as genuine. Think about your son in all this because if he is emotionally or physically hurt it could linger the rest of his life. He would be better off thinking his dad just isn't around.

OOP: He thinks he’s the greatest thing on planet earth. At one time, I found this attractive for some reason.

Gonebabythoughts

I think we told you not to trust her. Advice still stands.

SpacexxKitty

Exactly. She LIVES with him. How can you trust someone like that?

OOP: Well the advice was very mixed. ETA: And I was cautious. I didn’t give her any of my contact info, didn’t tell her my son’s name, kept person details very sparse.

TheSilentPhilosopher

"He may go out and fool around with those other women but he comes home to me" Aka: "he buys me everything I could ever want, so I 'give him permission' to cheat"

OOP: He did buy her her own business so you may have a point.

Simple_Carpet_9946

How did she find your profile? Might be time to delete Facebook and make your insta private. I wouldn’t put it past them to try to use this baby as a second chance for their marriage.

Jenderflux-ScFi

Talk to a lawyer. It seems like they are about to try to take your son from you.

Update 2 - I had a baby as a result of an affair and the man’s wife is contacting me - 2.5 months later

I posted about this few months ago.

To summarize very quickly, when I was fresh out of college I had an affair with a married man and father. I became pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion. He had arranged to “take me away” in a “vacation” to get an abortion. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do but I agreed to go along with what we wanted. At the last minute, when he was on his way to come pick me up, I told him I couldn’t go through with the abortion. I just really didn’t feel comfortable about his plan and how he was orchestrating everything. It scared me. I realized at that time how deep I had gone with this mistake, how screwed up the whole relationship was.

He was really mad. He threatened me, said a lot of nasty things to me. I told him if he just left me alone and let me have my baby then I’d leave him alone and wouldn’t name him as the father or seek child support. I moved back home (I was living in a different state when I met him). I kept my word and I did t it name him as the father or seek to establish paternity. I have never sought child support. My child is 2 now.

A few months ago his wife contacted me via social media. At first she made it seem like she wanted my child to have the opportunity to know his siblings. It was sort of weird since the siblings are teenagers. She said she had divorced him 6 months prior.

I agreed to talk to her virtually, not in person. I felt that I owed it to her to apologize for what I had done. I do feel bad about it. But at the end of the conversation I told her that I didn’t feel it was the appropriate time to connect my son with her kids. He’s a toddler and their teens, plus I had promised her husband to stay out of his life. That’s when she told me that he was recently in a bad accident and she had been helping to take care of him. Supposedly he was going to be fine and was fairly recovered at that point, but she said he had expressed interest to meet our child. So she was basically his messenger.

I have not been in contact with her since then. I deleted my social media. I don’t know why, but the whole thing just really made me uncomfortable.

Since I last posted here….

Then, I received a handwritten letter from him. In it, he expressed how he wanted to get to know our son, he wants to be a father to our son, he wants to provide financially for him, he’d like us to come visit him. He asked me to sign a paternity affidavit. I refused to do so. I know he is my son’s father but I’m not going to make this that easy for him. After the things he said to me and threatened me with, he at least has to work for this.

At that point, my parents felt that we needed to meet with a lawyer. All communication from me has gone through a lawyer. I have never responded to him personally/directly.

Now, I have a court order for paternity. I have to present my son to have a specimen taken tomorrow. I already know what it’s going to say.

It’s not that I don’t want my son to have a dad in his life. It’s just…the whole situation is a mess. And he lives a few states away from me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t really do anything. He’s doing things legally. Next, I’m sure he’ll petition for some form of custody or visitation. He’s not married anymore, supposedly, but he’s a lot more established than I am. He has considerably more financial resources. I also know he has all sorts of connections where he lives. Luckily they don’t hold as much weight here in my state but it’s still so scary to me.

I’m a bad mom. I brought my son into this world knowing it was a messy situation. I just got so comfortable with it just being the 2 of us and now I don’t want to give that up.

Comments

sffood

Good. Now go get your child support payments.

indiajeweljax

From birth!

IcyTutor4040

Even in poverty, no judge is going to order a child be removed from a stable/safe living situation with the only caregiver he’s ever known and hand him over to a man states away. Father may be awarded visitation in the child’s home state but mother can easily retain full custody.

**New Updates**

Another update on how stupid I am, or I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me - 6 weeks later

I won’t rehash the whole thing here. My previous posts are on my profile. I got pregnant from an affair with a married guy. He wanted me to have an abortion. I decided I didn’t want one. He turned mean, I promised to not name him as the father, legally, or to pursue any sort of child support. I moved away from where he and his family were located. I’m about 12 hours away from him now, back where my family is from. I haven’t reached out to him in the now over 3 years since.

His ex-wife reached out to me out of the blue via social media, initially claiming she wanted to connect with me so that our kids could know each other. When I politely declined for the time being, as her kids are teenagers and my son is a toddler and we live states apart, she revealed she was really reaching out in behalf of her ex-husband who had supposedly had a change of heart about being involved in our child’s life after nearly dying in an accident. I did not engage with her any further after that. It all made me feel very uncomfortable.

Later, I received a letter from him in the mail. He asked to be involved with our son, to provide for him, etc. It still felt weird. I mean he turned really mean and didn’t want anything to do with me or our baby and hadn’t made any attempt to contact me in years (and I was not hiding - his wife was obviously able to find me on social media and you can find my address online).

I felt like if he was serious, he’d take the steps to establish paternity legally. And that’s what he did. Around 1.5 months ago we were ordered to submit DNA samples for a paternity test. It took around 5 weeks to find out what I already knew it’d say. But now things are stalled for another several weeks for the next step in the court process.

I haven’t talked to him at all during this whole thing. I didn’t respond directly to his letter. I do have a lawyer and everything is basically going through him now.

Then without any warning, he just showed up at my home last weekend. Just knocked on the door like it was nothing. Basically, this is his son and he doesn’t want to wait another 6 weeks for the court to inevitably order us into some sort of custody mediation anyway…his words. Why can’t I just talk to him? I told him he made me uncomfortable and him just showing up at my house really made me uncomfortable. Honestly, I don’t know what made me so uncomfortable. The fact that he showed up unannounced like that or the fact that I instantly felt the same attraction to him that I had when I was with him and I didn’t want to feel that at all. In some weird way part of me felt happy to see him and then another part of me was disgusted that I was happy.

He said he doesn’t understand why we can’t just talk about this. He’s not trying to take my son away from me; he just wants to be involved in his life and to help provide for him like he should have been all along. He’s sorry he wasn’t there when he was born. He’s sorry he reacted the way that he did when I didn’t go along with his plans to take me on an abortion vacation. Why can’t I believe that he just wants to be a dad to his kid?

I guess I agree with him. Why can’t I just accept that he has had a change of heart? I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust my own judgment. I feel like if I easily let him into my son’s life I’m going to end up regretting it and be made a fool of somehow. I’ve already made so many mistakes when it comes to him.

He says it’s stupid of me to not try to work it out amongst ourselves first. I’m giving so much control to the court. I don’t know whether to believe that or to think it’s just his way of convincing me to do what he wants.

I know he will get some sort of visitation and eventual custody. Maybe it would be better if we try to come to an agreement, but he had the ability to sway me so easily. I’m so stupid when it comes to him. Nobody else has ever made me feel so foolish in my life.

I want my son to have a dad. I admit it’s probably selfish of me to want to keep him away. I just keep imagining having to spend weeks or months apart from my child while he’s living with his dad 12 hours away and I can’t stand the thought of it.

I’m just feeling sad, stupid, and defeated.

Comments

Mammoth_Might8171

At this point, u need to trust your lawyer (hopefully he is a good one). Make sure that your lawyer has all the facts, including how poorly he treated u when he found out u were pregnant. Do not communicate anymore with your ex, especially since u know that u are incapable of making good decisions when he is involved. U may need to prepare yourself mentally that your ex is eventually going to play a role in your kid’s life (as much as that suck). Hopefully u can go after him for back-child support

OOP: My lawyer has any and all information that I possibly had to share.

I am already preparing myself that he will likely have a role in my child’s life. I mean, the change will be difficult for me and I honestly don’t want anything to change. But I’m trying to focus on any shred of positive outcome this could have for my son. He deserves a dad. I wish it wasn’t in this situation. I wish I had given him two loving parents in a stable relationship, the ideal. I wish I had at least given him a father who didn’t live states away. I feel bad that my son has two lying cheaters for parents. I truly do feel so embarrassed about our behavior in a new way I did before, ever since my son was born. Other than that whole thing and the fact that he’s apparently had affairs with multiple women according to his ex-wife, he actually seems like a good dad to his teenage kids. He was always very involved with them. I guess I’m just trying to cling to whatever positive things I can think of. He can also provide a lot more financially than I currently can. Thats scary for me because I’m already turning it into some sort of competition between us in my head. Several points for him, none for me.

debicollman1010

A good Dad doesn’t have multiple affairs on their mother. A good Dad doesn’t abandon his child !

OOP: I acknowledged that.

I had a baby as the result of an affair - updated custody, and my sad, jealous mommy heart - 6 weeks later

Since everyone got mad at me for posting a recap of my situation in my previous posts, I won’t even go there. If you’re interested in the backstory, you can read my previous posts.

I had a baby as the result of an affair - updated custody, and my sad, jealous mommy heart Since everyone got mad at me for posting a recap of my situation in my previous posts, I won’t even go there. If you’re interested in the backstory, you can read my previous posts.

All I will say is that I have a 3 year old son who was conceived with an affair I had with a married man. After initially making me promise to not contact him, to not name him as the father, and to not request child support, my child’s father has been pursuing involvement in our sons’s life over the last several months. He lives states away and most recently he showed up at my house to try to convince me to work things out directly with him.

Since the last time I posted, we’ve recently had a mediation session and he’s met our son twice. At this time, he will have supervised visitation, with me present. Because he lives states away, he is required to come here to see our son. It will not be on a weekly basis due to the travel. He will see him during 2 weeks of the month, 2 times each week, for a total of 4 visits a month +2 video calls a month This will last for 6 months. The next step will be for him to continue that schedule, but to have unsupervised visitation during which he cannot remove him from the area, for another 6 months. After a year, we agree to have another mediation session to determine next steps, with the goal (his goal) of being able to have my son at his home for short overnights. I’m not even ready to discuss that! He’s already suggesting I can come for the first few times. I don’t like the sound of it at all. We also have the option to request another mediation before 1 year and something tells me he’s going to pull that.

I also have an order for child support. While he is in agreement with paying child support, it will have to work through the court system before becoming official and for me to start getting the regular payment. He wrote me a large check in the meantime. I was hesitant to accept it. Not that I don’t think my son deserves it, but now I’m just always worried I’ll say or do the wrong thing legally, completely unknowingly, and shoot myself in the foot. Like, am I obligated myself and my son to anything by accepting this check? Can he somehow spin this against me?

Of course he was not in favor of the 6 month/6 month plan and while he does understand that my son should not just go off with a stranger upon first meeting him, he wishes we could speed it along a little more, but 6 months was what we were able to agree on. He wanted to fly us both to where he lived so he could spend a week or 2 getting to know our son but I don’t feel that’s appropriate at this time. Perhaps in a few months, or around the holidays, depending on how things are going. It would be too much too soon.

The initial two meetings went pretty much just as I thought they would. My son is extremely shy. He wanted to hide behind me most of the time. Then when he would venture out from behind me, as soon as his dad would say anything to him, he would scurry back behind me and just stare at his dad blankly without saying anything. He came out of his shell a little bit however he has still not said a single word to his dad. He just pretends like his dad isn’t there and only talks to me. I will say that his dad is being patient and understanding as far as that goes. If he’s frustrated, he’s not showing it. He did suggest that maybe our son needs to get out more, go to daycare more of even preschool instead of spending so much time with me and my parents. He’s very delighted with how much our son looks like him and how much he favors him over me.

The one thing that did bother me is that I already told him I wanted to be very careful and mindful of how we informed our son, this little barely 3 year old boy, that this man/complete stranger is his dad. He said “sure, yeah.” Then at the first meeting he introduced himself as dad. Since then I’ve been trying to help my son understand. Like, you know how your grandpa is my daddy, this guy is your daddy. It’s so surreal to me that any of this is happening. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for something to blow up in my face.

Now, it’s just working on accepting our new reality. All of this change is hard and confusing for my son and it’s hard for me. Unless he really fucks up, I’m looking at eventually shared times with my son spending school breaks and holidays at his dad’s house, hours and hours away in another state. It won’t happen tomorrow, but it will happen in the most likely reality. I just hope he stays committed. If he can be a good dad to my child then my child deserves that, no matter how sad sharing him makes me. If he breaks my son’s heart, that’ll be another story and I won’t accept that so readily.

Comments

Purple_Bishop2

What did your lawyer say about accepting money from you son’s father before child support is finalized?

I find it hard to believe that a court would order your 3 year old to go another state to visit a man who he your son doesn’t know and who refused to have anything to do with your son for 3 years. Your AP sounds like he has enough money to come to your state for the visits so it’s not like cost is an issue. The man can take vacation and rent a place near you. Or he can buy a second (or third) home near you.

If you don’t want your son to go on out of state visits, get a better lawyer.

generalwalrus

The giant check is super sketchy. Like baby's daddy did not want to go through the court process about visitation rights last posts, but is okay with wanting to wait on the courts for child support payments?

Feels like a trap. Specifically a lawyer advised trap. Maybe baby's daddy is being sincere. But hopefully OP's lawyer has a radar out. I'm probably just paranoid.

OOP: They haven’t ordered him to visit his father in his state. But eventually, that will probably happen, talking elementary school age.

Purple_Bishop2

Still young for out of state visits, but at least that gives you more time to see how this situation unfolds. I’m sorry that you are here. Hopefully your AP turns out to be a good father - having been though a split home with my kids I’ve come to look look at it as we are fortunate if there are more people in the world who love and cherish our children.

**New Update**

I had a baby as the result of an affair. Latest update. - 3 weeks later

It’s been 3 weeks since I last posted, and just over a month since our new visitation arrangement started.

I’ve seen plenty of people here talking about how dumb I am. I don’t really understand. What am I doing that’s so dumb? I know it was dumb to have an ongoing, year long affair with a married man. It was stupid to put myself in a position where I could likely end up pregnant.

That was in the past. What am I doing now that’s so stupid? I have a lawyer. Yes, I agreed to talk to his wife one time. How was I to know she was just doing his bidding? Who would have thought that was the case? It’s not even like I went to meet her in person somewhere. It was just a video call. I figured I at least owed that to her. Just one time, and a chance to tell her I was sorry for what I did.

But ultimately it felt off and I protected my son by telling her I didn’t think it was appropriate at this time for me and my 2 years old to travel to another state to meet her teenage kids.

It’s not as if talking to her opened the door for him to reach out to me. I was careful with what info I shared with her. It’s not as if I told her my address. He didn’t need her to gather that info from me. Me talking to her isn’t what prompted him to contact me directly and establish paternity.

When he reached out to me directly about wanting to be involved with our son, I didn’t reach out to him and decide to discuss things directly with him. I got a lawyer.

When he showed up at my house, I didn’t let him inside. I put my son in his room, so he didn’t eventually see our son or have access to him.

I’m listening to my lawyer. I met with him in a mediation and I am trying to make careful decisions for my son. There is nothing I can do to prevent him from having access to our son. The court will grant him access if I fight it. At least this way I have a say in the arrangement.

We are supposed to be using a parenting app.

Since the last time I posted, he’s reached out to me outside of the app. Now, he keeps talking about us coming there to visit him. I have told him no. It’s not appropriate. It’s too much too soon. He’s also already started talking about changing my son’s last name to his, but you know “maybe imma year or so.” He tries to have personal conversations with me, not always about our son. I have shut those down and referred him back to the parenting app. He thinks using the app is stupid and is only for people who can’t get along. He thinks it’d be better for our son if we got along and “got to know each other again.” He “cares” about me and what’s going on in my life, or so he says.

I also didn’t cash the check he gave me. I returned it. If he wants to help financially beyond the child support he’s ordered to pay, he can purchase items that our son needs out of his own free will, but he isn’t to give me cash or checks. My lawyer actually told me that there was nothing wrong with accepting and cashing the check. It wouldn’t affect anything related to child support. But knowing him, he could be using this check as something he can bring up later in court and I just didn’t feel comfortable about it. Sure I would have loved to have kept it. There are quite a few useful things I could have used that money for. Of course he was upset when I returned the check, via certified mail. His plan was foiled. I know he’s trying to butter me up for something. I don’t know precisely what, but I’m not that stupid that I don’t see through him now.

Comments

SnooWords4839

Stop talking to him outside of the app!

noellesley

I am extremely concerned for you. I’ve commented elsewhere, but you’re in a very serious situation, and while I think you recognize that to some degree, your actions aren’t consistently reflecting it. I don’t want to come off as nagging or aggressive, but DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH THIS MAN OUTSIDE OF THE APP! He is trying to get you to slip up somehow. You know he wants full custody of your son and he’s currently petitioning to get his name on your son‘s birth certificate. Don’t give him the opportunity to catch you off guard.

You’ve already mentioned that he crossed a boundary by telling your son he’s his dad after you clearly stated he needed to establish a relationship first. You’re allowing him to continue crossing boundaries, and if you don’t stop it now, he’s going to keep pushing until he makes your life a nightmare—unless you give in to him.

well_actuallE

Why would changing your sons last name even be up for discussion!? Ex has been trying to steamroll you since the beginning of this, stay strong OP! People here will hopefully keep successfully encouraging you to not give in!

OOP: That’s just how he is. To try to get him to leave the topic alone for now, I told him we can discuss it in a year then

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Guilted into contributing a family member’s wedding and I feel upset

Trigger Warnings: body shaming, past trauma, gaslighting, financial exploitation

: July 30, 2024

So basically as the title says, I'm being guilted to help pay for a family member's wedding, and I can't help but feel upset. My family is of the mindset that family helps family. And although objectively I have a better paying job so I seem better off, I also have more financial obligations (student loans, car, home, miscellaneous expenses for other family members).

I recently got a promotion and I thought if I saved frugally, I could pay off my student loans this year, and have some nice savings in the next year or so for a new home as my family is growing.

Out of the blue, we have a family member getting married, and although I am happy for them, my mom told me she already made a promise that I will help financially. I have already provided $10,000, and I will be expected to provide more soon.

I feel upset and I feel like trash. I know this makes me seem like a doormat, and I promise I usually am not like this. But what else can I do when I get told they don't have anyone else to go to besides me, and that finally things are looking up for them and things will get better and that our family finally has some good news to be happy about.

I know I could have pushed back and said no, but I would have felt bad about it and I would not have felt happy that my one decision led to more problems for more people.

I tried placating myself that it's okay, they are family and I love them, and they'll pay me back so it's okay. But I can't stop feeling that because someone else wants to do things beyond their means, I have to be financially liable for their decisions.

I was finally on my way to financial freedom, and now I have to start again from zero. And the costs for the wedding that I have to bear are not going to end here, which make me even more upset.

I just wanted to get this off my chest since I can't really tell anyone else about it without being seen as a prick or something.

Relevant Comments

Always_B_Batman: How does your family know you have that kind of money? If they can’t afford the wedding they need to cut things out to meet their budget.

OOP: My parents know about my promotion, and although they don’t know exactly how much money I have, they are known to make assumptions. And if I ever tell them that I don’t have that kind of money, they start questioning me and make a lot of assumptions and guilt me by saying things like “I thought we could depend on you,” and so on.

I 100% agree that they need to cut things to meet their budget, but what concerns I have voiced fall on deaf ears. It’s the whole “family weddings are just like this” debacle.

**No_Narwhal9465:**You shouldn't start something you aren't going to continue doing. Guess what... you are now the person to bank roll everyone else's wedding. You need to start placing the boundary now. No more money is coming. That is it. Otherwise they will keep on coming with their hands out. You may ruffle feathers because of this but they aren't entitled to your money.

: August 15, 2024 (2 weeks later)

Don't think anyone cares to read this, but posting it more so as a reminder to myself to stick firm to my decision.

A few other things happened between my original post and now, and I went low contact with my parents and no contact with my cousin and rest of the family. I tried to explain to them why I can't keep funding the wedding and other major milestones, and they would not understand. This was just the tip of the iceburg for me and I didn't realize it fully until I started talking.

I ended up talking about how they made me feel over the years, how they essentially bullied my over my weight and looks from a young age (a ten year old does not need to be told that she needs to be skinny because guys like skinny women and if I'm not skinny I won't find a guy to marry me. Mind you, sure I was a bit chubby, but still pretty normal for a 10yo. Cue the nearly 20 years of eating disorders....), how they never celebrated my accomplishments like they did for my siblings or other cousins, how they put so many restrictions on me from a young age but my siblings and cousins could do whatever they wanted, etc.

The more I talked about it, the more I realized that they can't take advantage of me (my money and time and energy) when it's convenient for them, and they won't even reciprocate with basic understanding. I was done with the bs about family and culture and whatnot. So yeah, I ended up blocking my extending family, going low contact with my parents, and my parents are in charge of collecting the money from the relatives and paying it back to me.

Relevant Comments

alexa19714: Look at your brandnew shiny spine! You’re doing great love!

Foxy-flower-peach521: Proud of you for standing up for yourself! Stick to your guns! You’ve got this! You deserve people in your life who prove they belong there

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I quit my job to do nothing.

That’s right. I quit my job to do nothing. I’m tired of working.[...] I work as a nurse assistant, my job is extremely stressful[...] I have absolutely no energy I’ve done applications for other jobs but It’s extremely hard to get hired elsewhere or It’s extremely low paying .[...]

The things that fulfill me in life are free or extremely cheap. I love walking, reading, doing my makeup & drawing. All free.

You might say what about bills, I live with my boyfriend who provides everything which is risky considering we’re not married but I don’t plan on being jobless for long, just a month or 2. My own personal bills like my phone bill, I no longer care. Nobody calls me and I don’t have friends. I can use Wi-Fi to send text to family members.

I’m drained. I don’t care about being broke anymore. I give up. I just wanna be happy.

.

At 22, I think you'll find that lots of people have done that at some point. I quit working at one point for a solid 4 years.

I did it too, but to less than desirable results. My girlfriend grew to resent me and I got really sick partly due to stress of trying to do freelance work and barely having enough to pay my own bills.[...]

The Grim fact is, that it's mostly women I see who take the luxury of not working and allowing their Partners to bear all of the financial burden for both of them. If a man does that, for nearly any reason, he's seen as a parasite and a loser and a user.

Of course. That's because you are the bigger, stronger sex. That holds true in 99 percent of the comparisons between men and women. But make no mistake, that is women's failure to reconcile with, not mens. Especially in today's day and age where women are dominating many sectors of the labor force. Kamala Harris. Need I say more?

.

This is why I want to make enough to support my fiancee fully. I want to give her this option if shes need it.

God I wish I had that option. But I’m a guy so no one’s ever going love me like that 🤷‍♂️ so, oh well, back to the never ending cycle of mental health neglect/suicidal burnout and ceaseless stream of people telling me “it doesn’t have to be this way” while offering me no alternatives and punishing me socially for seeking them. God, having a penis is so fun /s

Edit: y’all are wild acting like guys aren’t struggling with dating even when they have a ton to offer in the relationship. Acting like women aren’t vocally complaining about deadbeat guys online daily. Acting like there aren’t centuries and centuries of social pressure normalizing overworking men and setting the expectation that women get taken care of that we haven’t even begun to unravel as a society. Acting like there’s not entire subcultures of people who believe (whether you agree with them or not) that it’s morally wrong for a woman to take care of a man. Acting like even if it does happen that it’s not an exceedingly rare circumstance.

Why are y’all making up a world that doesn’t exist and pretending that’s the world we live in? Don’t get me wrong, you guys’s world sounds more fun, I wish I could live in it but unfortunately I’m stuck in reality 🤷‍♂️

There are plenty of women supporting stay at home men. If you want that, go find it.[...] If you havent found it, then lower your standards [...]

I see that argument a lot. Many women telling men to "lower their standards". [...] I never had someone tell me were not interested because she was a secretary, or she didn't have a car or she was didn't have a place. It was important that they got along so her personality and how they were together. If we are talking about looks standards. First. You like what you like. You can't force your brain to find a picture beautiful, either you think it is or you don't. So to lower your standards in looks is not possible[...] But with that said women are called the "beautiful sex" for a reason. Women are beautiful by nature.[...] The average guy would find the average girl beatiful or cute. But not the other way around from what I noticed.[...]

Im not telling men in general to lower their standards. Im telling the guy who wants to be a stay at home husband[...] Men tell women this all the damn time. So whats the problem?

.

I can't believe that we were born on this planet to work for 47 (or more) years, then spend the last 10-15 years of life too old, sick, and injured to actually do anything you wanted to do when you were young, then you die. Am I the only one that thinks this is crazy?

No, you know for a fact that you’re not the only one that thinks this is crazy. You’re on Reddit. This exact sentiment reaches the front page in some capacity 5-10 per day. You know you’re not the only one. Stop.

….if you lived as a wild animal instead of a human you would also still be working for most of your life - hunting for food or running from predators. Can’t believe some people are so entitled as to think they shouldn’t ever need to work for anything.

You keep making that company richer whilst they give you their pocket change[...]

I mean….considering the fact that I’m getting more than fairly compensated for a job I like doing and not risking my life daily to get food— yeah I will. You keep working and hating life and being miserable though.

[...] you don't know my life, I got it pretty chill as of lately, self employed is the way, you keep making your ceo richer

[Cont.] [...]You keep saying “keep making my ceo richer” as if that’s a bad thing. They keep the company running. I keep doing my job, and I get paid more than most for excelling at it. “Self employed” what are you, a dog walker lmao?

[...]

Mf thinks that self employed means that you're a dog walker, but you make 6 figures, something doesn't add up here[...]

It was a fuckin joke from that interview a while ago doofus. If my work makes my CEO richer while making me richer why the fuck should I care? It’s a win win lol.

Oh yea cus I have seen a joke from some subreddit that no one has heard of, and if you wanna work and not make all the money for doing so that's up to you, doofus

[Cont.] I’d rather work for someone else and make more than work for myself and make less. To the [username] loser who replys and blocks me : Lmao, sure. Youngest person in my position in the company , and well on my way to being exec. “Complacent” All you do is smoke weed and watch old ass Godzilla movies. See, we can do stupidly reductive history dives here too!

Not everyone enjoys being a mindless zombie who wants to suck drakes dick and play over watch the rest of their life. You’re just complacent and that’s ok. Pretty boring but ok. Ignorance is bliss

The point is that even being able to retire is a privilege.[...]

Lmao what a terrible analogy. Are the wild animals also giving 90% of the food they make to the higher ups of the animal kingdom? No, fuck off.

Stop bitching and start a business then.[...]

Oh wow what a well though out reply champ. Let me just go start a business then. Fuck me. Why didn't I think of this? Thanks for your enlightened response!

.

"I live with my boyfriend who provides everything" Ahh, now it makes sense.

[OOP:] So?

Nothing, it must be really nice for you is all. Most of us don't have the luxury of somebody else willing to entirely fund our existence.

He’ll get tired of her. Nobody loves a leach for long.

So you’re a mooch?

You're a leech

Imagine being 22 and thinking YOU need a break from all those hard years of work. Then imagine saying you’ve never even had a bill to pay in the first place. To need a break from adulting, you need to have started.

[...] People don't generally tolerate a leech for long

.

As a former collection agency employee, I have seen alot of financial pain after people become unemployed voluntarily or involuntarily. Be careful, things happen outside of your control.

NPC take. If we’re talking about medical bills or disability, either of those would bankrupt you regardless. If you’re broke, it’s free! Outside of not being able to pay vet bills I don’t think I’d care.

.

Be very careful allowing yourself to be completely financially dependent on a man, that's how you get trapped in abusive relationships. Find a new job ASAP. Even if he's perfect now, protect yourself.

Why are you making all these toxic assumptions about her boyfriend?

I never said anything about her boyfriend except that he may be perfect now. No assumptions were made, these are facts that keep women safe.

i thought having extremely strong preferences for dating tall men kept woman safe?

Sounds like you think he might turn abusive in the future which definitely isn’t a healthy way of thinking

Did you only read every other word of their comment or something?

.

Americans work hard through thick and thin. We do not quit a job to do nothing. Doing nothing is a fast track to health issues.

Women back in the 1800s did not do clock in clock out jobs. Their work was domestic related. Who said she is doing “nothing”

Well, babe, no one has to churn butter or walk water up from the river in 2024.

Fixed title: I quit my job to shamelessly mooch off my boyfriend and live off his hard work.

male irl provides for girlfriend. male on reddit confused.

Some men value their partners a lot more than to call them a mooch, not knowing what they contribute to the joint lifestyle…then there’s you.

thats called using loved ones for personal benefit

That's called being in a relationship actually. If you both decide it's okay, who the fuck cares what some wage slave says. You're just green from envy

who tf are u

[OOP:] I still will be doing house duties, like cooking, cleaning & taking care of our animals. He’s also supportive of my decision and have told me many times I could quit and that I could go back when I’m ready. So I’m not really mooching lol

Guys, chill, she's now doing HOUSE DUTIES like COOKING, CLEANING, and TAKING CARE OF ANIMALS because she's not working anymore! It's literally impossible for us normal workers to do BASIC HOUSE DUTIES. I mean in her sense, we don't cook, clean, and enjoy watching our animals suffer. Why? Cause we work 8 hours! I remember the last time I showered was back when I was a stress-free baby! I don't have time to even shower anymore. HOW LUCKY FOR HER. IM JEALOUS. SHES NOW DOING HOUSE DUTIES!

[...]

It's cause kids nowadays have tiktok and see things on social media to gaslight themselves, thinking that older people "manipulated" this whole system by creating "jobs" that humans shouldn't do. They think it's a "waste of time" and people shouldn't "work" because it's a waste of their life. It's stupid and self-entitlement. They have this crazy fantasy about how they shouldn't be working but instead be enjoying outdoor nature, while going to a cafe, drinking coffee and enjoying the day, but completely missed the part that getting coffee will require someone else to be doing a job of service so she can enjoy that privilege. It's stupid.

Dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. When he dumps u then what ??

[OOP:] Why assume he’s gonna dump me? I’m only gonna be off 1/2 months. Our relationship is great. Also, I have a certification. It’ll be easy to find another healthcare job when I’m ready to get back to If he does break up with me.

You posted that he cheated on you a month ago. You're delusional.

[OOP: ] Aside from that, yes. There’s a lot of women whose taken back a cheater. I really don’t care.

…aside from the fact he CHEATED ON YOU??

The cope when he cheats again will be felt around the world.

I feel like it goes against the spirit of rule 4.

Please reply in typical Ouija fashion.

I am not The OOP, OOP is , account now suspended

Originally posted to

AITAH for showing my children the reason why their mother and I are getting divorced?

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, revenge porn, possible blackmail, miscarriage, mentions child abuse

: July 14, 2024

I tried to post on AITA but my post was deleted before anybody could reply, so I post here

I'll try to keep this post short.

my wife (32f) cheated on me (35M), She and I have been married since she was 22 and I thought our marriage was perfect, we have two children, both boys, 7 and 6 years old

I had my suspicions Because she started coming to our house 40 minutes late after work, this lasted for 3 weeks until I decided to find out what was going on. , I hired a private investigator who got photos and videos of her with her lover, her co-worker, so I decided to take revenge, I sent those videos to her mother, who has a terminal illness, I don't want her to die thinking that her daughter is an angel, Send those videos to her friends, to my family, to her boss, since at her work they have a strict rule of no relations between workers, and the lover's wife

My kids were at my parents' house before that happened, and she was working (I asked my boss for a few days off, that's why I was able to do all this during work hours), then I showed the video to my kids of her mom with her lover and I told them that because of her we were going to get divorced, of course they didn't take it well, they cried, hugged me, etc., I will take them to a psychologist after I divorce my wife, we live in a at- fault state, so the fact that I have proof of her infidelity will help me in the divorce

I will admit it, I was not the perfect husband, but I never ever did anything wrong for her to cheat on me, why did she do it? I don't know, and at the moment I don't care.

After all this, my older brother approached me, and he and I spoke privately, he told me that I was an asshole to my children, he understands my desire for revenge, but that I traumatized them by showing him those videos and Talking to them like that about their mother, I told him that it was my wife's fault, not mine, but he told me He understands me,but he thinks that i should have waited a little before telling them, we argued for about 30 minutes, my brother told me again that i was a asshole, he is my brother and he loves me, but He thinks I was cruel to the children.

That happened 3 days ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, so, AITA?, if you're wondering, my wife has tried to contact me and talk to me and the kids, but they don't want to see her and neither do I, From what I know she is staying at her sister's house

Edit: I forgot to say that the reason I told my children that and showed them the video is because I didn't want their mother to try to blame me for the divorce, in my head I had to show them the proof that I wasn't the bad guy, and that is why i showed them the video

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of YTAs

Relevant Comments

gbhnn_: You showed a 6 and 7 year old a video of their mother with another man? You’re a creepy weirdo and YTA

: August 15, 2024

Several people asked me for an update on private, so I will give it, I will try to keep it short

Also, many of you think that my story is false because it is "not original", truth be told, that made me laugh, what? You expect me to say that a unicorn came down from the sun? Believe me or not, it's your problem, I wont get on me knees so that you believe me.

Basically, my wife cheated on me, I got proof, and I showed that proof to my kids so that they knew i was not the bad guy in our divorce, at least on my mind, that's the short version.

A few days after posting, my wife asked me to meet her in public, I knew that sooner or later I had to talk to her, so I went there, a park, the conversation lasted about 2 hours, but this are the most important things:

She told me that, because I sent the proof of her cheating to her mother , who has a terminal illness, her mother was devastated and disappointed with her, I told her it was her fault, not mine.

She told me that her ex-lover's wife lost the baby (I forgot to say that his wife was pregnant) because of the proof I sent to her of her husband cheating with my wife, I told her that it was his fault, not mine.

She told me what many of you said, that she could press charges against me for sharing those videos with others, the videos of her cheating, that I could lose custody of my children (yes, biologically they are mine), I did something that I am not proud of, I emotionally manipulated her, I cried, because although it may not seem like it, all of this really left me emotionally shaken, I cried, I told her it was her fault and that I felt cornered, she cried, we cried for about 20 minutes until we were able to calm down.

We talked and came to an agreement, she will keep the house and I will move out, she will have custody of the children, but I have the right to visit them as much as I want, whenever I want, she didn't lose her job because apparently her dad is friends with her boss, i know that Legally this is wrong, but all things considered, this ended well for me, i wont shake things more, i dont know if her ex-lover keep the job or no, and honestly, i dont care now

I am currently helping my wife rebuild her relationship with our children, little by little, they promised that they would try for me, and I decided to take them to a psychologist now so that the divorce will be less heavy on them.

So yeah, that is the update, is this original enough for you all? Lol

Relevant Comments

MotoKenji25: I’m guessing her attorney advised her that what he did was illegal. So in lieu of not reporting it to authorities and not having it come up in court, he just gave in.

OOP: When I was a child, my father taught my brothers and me that if someone treats us badly, we should treat them much worse, so that they would regret the day they met us, that's what I did. Maybe i went to far with my children, but for the rest I feel like I did nothing wrong, obviously I am happy that in the end things will go well for me in the divorce.

OOP on why he was showing the video to his children

OOP: In my eyes, I didn't do it to hurt my wife, I did it so that they could see with their own eyes that she was the bad one and responsible for our divorce, not me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP