I am not The OOP, OOP is

My husband cheated and gave me an std while I’m currently pregnant

Originally posted to

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

  July 28, 2024

I’m currently Eight weeks into my pregnancy, I had gone for a routine Pap smear and STD screening. A few days later,I tested positive for gonorrhea

I had never cheated on my husband, and never expected that he cheated on me.When I confronted him with the test results,he seemed genuinely shocked and insisted there had to be a mix up with the results. He swore up and down that he had been faithful and there was no way that it could be true

I insisted that he get tested. He agreed to do it and as the days passed he admitted that he had met a woman online and had sex with her. He claimed it was a mistake and he couldn’t answer why he did it. He said the woman meant doing to him and it was a one time thing

I’m disgusted and feel betrayed knowing that he put me at such risk, our pregnancy was planned so we were actively trying before I got pregnant and he had no regard for that.The thought of continuing the pregnancy while dealing with this betrayal is overwhelming

I’m considered having an abortion because the idea of bringing a child in the mix is crazy to me. I don’t think I can ever forgive him. I feel like crap for thinking of having an abortion I just can’t see myself continuing this marriage and having a baby with him

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP

I’m already on the verge of losing my mind just from knowing he had unprotected sex with a random woman, risking my life and our unborn baby. I would rather not dig into what he’s been up to online, as I think that would cause even more pain for me

~

redMandolin8

Does the STD risk the health of the baby? I think many of them do. With that in mind I would end the pregnancy unless you are in your late thirties or 40s and really think this is your one shot at a child and it’s your greatest dream (to the extent of doing it single. DEFINITELY terminate the marriage. He is a slime ball.

OOP

It was caught early and I was treated. Me and baby are safe

  July 30, 2024

Finally decided to find out the truth about his affair. I figured out my husband’s email password and discovered that he’s been on dating sites for months. I also found a woman's name and email address from hotel bookings he forwarded to her. I Googled her information, found out where she worked, and called her. When she picked up, I got scared and hung up, but she called back, and we had a long conversation

She said that she didn’t know he was married and kept apologizing. She told me that if my husband and I have been intimate in the past few weeks, I should get tested because he gave her an STD. I was shocked because I thought she had given it to him. She said he gaslighted her, making it seem like she got it from someone else. I told her he did the same to me (I didn't mention that I’m pregnant). She said she cut him off and is considering suing him over it

They met on Tinder and had been seeing each other for six months. Although I initially thought she should have known he was married, but I believe her because my husband isn't on social media. He has an insta account but doesn’t post pictures. She confirmed that they had sex multiple times, contradicting his claim that it was a “one time thing” She said they spent time in hotels until she felt comfortable inviting him to her apartment

We came to the conclusion that she was just one of the women he was involved with because he gave both of us an STD. Hearing all this made me sick, knowing there are other women. I feel stupid for not realizing what was going on and probably wouldn’t have found out if it wasn’t for the STD results. My husband doesn’t know what I’ve discovered or that I’ve spoken to her

This is incredibly tough. I’m heartbroken and conflicted about whether I should schedule an abortion, but finding this out is pushing me towards that decision

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ThrowRADel

It's heartbreaking that you have to make this choice at all; until recently, you thought your marriage was intact and this pregnancy was wanted.

But I'd really consider whether you want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life and have to co-parent with someone who was this cavalier with your health and well-being.

OOP

I wish I didn’t have to make this tough decision. I don’t want to co-parent with him, but at the same time, I feel so bad about having an abortion. My fear is that it might be a big regret that I won’t be able to get over. It’s so frustrating because each decision is heartbreaking either way

~

Commenter

How did she not suspect he was married, even though she had never been to his house or met his important friends and family in 6 months?

Remember, the baby is innocent and half of YOU.

OOP

She’s actually met one of his close friends who’s also married, which might mean that his friend is also having an affair. I don’t know for sure, but if his friend is okay with meeting my husband’s AP, my guess is he too has an AP. I’m pretty sure his wife, who is my friend, doesn’t know about this.

~

thoughtfulmuser

The most important gift you give your child is an amazing father. It sounds like you have a horrible narcissist on your hands. If you go through with this pregnancy he will be in your life for the rest of your life and play horrible mind games on you and your child. Going through pregnancy is one of the most vulnerable experiences of your life. When you’re pregnant you risk injury or death. Imagine if something happened to you and your new burn baby was handed to this monster as the sole caretaker of an innocent life

Be thankful you have clarity now while you still have time to make decisions and truly think of your future

You can’t trust anything he says about improving. He capable and willing to lie without remorse. If he feel badly it’s just that he feels badly for getting caught, not for cheating

OOP

If I decide to go through with this pregnancy, I would want nothing to do with him and would prefer that he not be part of this experience or the child’s life. I know that’s selfish to say, and it’s also impossible because he will make our lives hell

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the OOP. OOP is on .

Status: Concluded as per OOP.

: July 28, 2024

: August 5, 2024 (8 days later)

My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter's personality and I don't know what to do. What should I do?

I'm a 34 year old guy, and I have a 16 year old stepdaughter. My wife is 31.

In highschool, my wife was a "popular girl" stereotype. Pink, blonde chunky highlights in her brown hair, this was the mid-late 2000s. She was on the cheerleading team, had lots of friends and boyfriends, was well known and liked. She was basically the living embodiment of the picture perfect girl from those cheesey 2000s highschool movies. And then she got pregnant. When she was 15, she had her daughter. She doesn't know who the father is, and any potential fathers for the girl up and left way back when. Her daughter is recently 16.

I never wanted kids, I found them annoying. But I fell in love with my wife and got married when she was 20 and I was 23 after dating for 2 years. We hit it off, and I married her and decided to suck it up around the kid.

I never planned to absolutely love being a dad to her specifically. Kids still annoy me, but my daughter (step daughter technically) was different. She was quiet, nerdy even at a young age. I married her mother when she was 5, and we clicked right away. We went on daddy-daughter dates every weekend. I played dolls with her. Let her paint my nails and do makeup on me. I drove her to and from school in my cop car. We even did daddy-daughter duo costumes for Halloween.

Over the past two years she's developed a darker dress style. I don't know what the proper subculture of her outfits are, but according to her she's dressing like a horror game protagonist and a Monster High character. Purple is her main color she incorporates into this specific "aesthetic blend" as she calls it. I don't get it, but maybe that's because I'm a man in my 30s, I don't know. She likes ghosts, tarot cards, vampires, zombies, aliens, creepy victorian dolls. I don't get it, but also I don't care because if it makes her happy so what? She's also an introvert, and prefers to play games on her computer or read fantasy occult novels rather than hangout with other teens her age. She has friends, so I'm not too worried about her being completely withdrawn. I'm just glad I don't have to drive her around since she only has a learner's permit currently.

My wife hates this. My wife always wanted a girly girl. Pinks and pastels and flowers and all that. She wants our daughter to get a boyfriend, be more social, be a cheerleader like she was. Which, in itself is valid. I get it, I'm sure most every parents has preferences for what they want their kid to turn out like, and some disappointment when they stray from that fantasy is valid. Some.

My wife will constantly takes and hides my daughter's darker room decor. She constantly gets pastel dresses for our daughter, tells her to wipe off her dark eye makeup, tries to set her up on dates with jock types from my daughter's school, and convince her to sign up for both school and summer activities like cheerleading or volleyball.

I could have put up with all of that, I really could have. But a few weeks ago I woke up to my wife finally hitting finally hitting her breaking point. I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife screaming and having what I can confidently describe as a borderline meltdown. She was crying and saying all she ever wanted was a normal daughter who likes pink, and is a cheerleader and has a boyfriend and will give her grandkids. I had to drag her out the hallway after 30 minutes of this. I kept thinking it would stop, but it kept going on and on. My daughter was just staring at this whole thing in the doorway of her room. What caused this meltdown from my wife? My daughter dyed purple over the blonde streaks/highlights my wife had forced her to get in her hair. Which wasn't even breaking a house rule, as my wife and I have both told her she can do whatever she wants with her hair as long as she doesn't stain too many towels.

It's been weeks, and my daughter won't talk to her mom. My wife is still up with her antics, but now it's in overdrive. Everyday she brings home some type of trendy clothing in pink or pastels and tries to give it to my daughter. My daughter is getting fed up and stays in her room all day, and has confessed to me she can't wait for school to start back up in a few weeks so she can get out the house and be with her friends again.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to "side" with anyone in this situation. I understand my wife wants a daughter who she can relate, and my daughter wants a mom who understands her. I don't know what I can or should do. I need help. I need advice.

Relevant Comments (and OOP's response to them):

Even_budget2078: You need to side with your daughter. Your wife's behavior is controlling, abusive, and deeply inappropriate. She does not get to decide who her daughter is. Her (and your) daughter is her own person. She's not a mini-me of anyone. Does your wife want her to get pregnant at 15? Sorry to be so aggressive, but it's time to be blunt here. Does your wife want her to be a teenage mom who "doesn't know who the father is"? Really? I don't think so. Do you? Nothing you've described about your daughter is harmful or worrying. Literally nothing. And that's really important because that's the only valid reason to interfere. Not because mom wants her to like a certain color or wear certain clothes. There's nothing "valid" about that.

Your daughter sounds like a cool kid and even still who she is now doesn't mean anything about who she will become. I was the piercing obsessed (13), hair dyed, hippie teen who now is a law professor. I'm still me and also someone very different from teenage me. Let your daughter be who she is right now and hope that she allows you to get to know who future her is. If you don't stand up for her now, that's the cool person you're going to miss out on and she will be right to distance from both of you.

ETA: So a day later and on a much less serious note, but these Monster High characters are super stylish! There's a Lady Gaga collab doll! I bet your daughter looks cool and stylish in her outfits and somebody needs to tell your wife "stop trying to make pastel happen" and, to steal from my goddaughter's favorite retort, if she's 31, your wife's style was popular last century

OOP: Definitely not. My wife always stressed to our daughter to not have sex until she felt ready. She always said she would help our daughter get on birth control and have any type of protection she wanted. My wife gave her "the talk" when our daughter got her period, which I learned is when most girls get that talk. She's always been clear about how she wanted our daughter to be safe and responsible with whoever she ended up getting with and not to rush things with any partners.

RickRussellTX: While setting her up with jocks and having meltdowns over her daughter giving her grandkids?

This is, at best, a case of mixed messages.

OOP: I never understood setting our daughter up with jocks. My daughter has told me about her type before while we were playfully teasing each other, and she said she likes nerdy guys. She also said that while the jocks guys are nice to her on the dates, she just isn't attracted to them.

Inctech: My mom wanted me to be a version of her when I was a teenager too. She lost it on me and my father didn’t protect me either. He defended my mom. 30 yrs later I have a strained relationship with them both. Protect your kid and go tell your wife to get help with her trauma.

OOP: The comments have really slapped some sense into me. I'll admit, I didn't think any of this was that deep. I came on here mostly as a way to vent and get some advice, but now it feels like I've been slapped in the face with reality. I had no idea just how harmful my wife was being to my daughter. I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I really just chalked it up to mother-daughter bickering like all teenagers do. I know I had some pretty nasty fights with my parents as a 16 year old. I want to get both of them help. I love my wife, and I love my daughter.

[Update] My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter's personality and I don't know what to do. What should I do?

It's been about a week since I last posted about how my wife was having a meltdown over how my daughter chose to dress.

Two nights after I posted, I sat my wife down and very bluntly asked her what exactly the problem was. She kept saying she just wanted a daughter who was similar to her, but after I kept asking she broke down and admitted the real reason why she was having her meltdowns.

My wife feels that her daughter is the only way for her to have more family in the future. She's estranged from her siblings, her parents don't speak much to her, and all of her friends from highschool stopped talking to her after her pregnancy. She wants a family back, and she's hoping that her daughter will marry a nice boy and give her grandkids so she can have a family again. She said she never brought up having more kids with me because she figured I'd be against the idea. I don't know how I feel about having more kids with my wife, but it certainly won't happen now.

So my wife is in therapy to try and get her to realize that she can't just view my daughter as a way to create a family. She's doing well so far, but it's too soon to really tell.

My daughter is also in therapy. She's been in therapy since she was a kid for bullying issues, but now her therapist is trying to focus on the meltdown situation with her. My daughter actually seems relatively unaffected by this whole situation other than a little annoyed, so I don't know if that's good or not.

I took my daughter to Hot Topic for some back to school accessories and then took her out to eat, just the two of us. She's still excited to go back to school, she misses her friends and her clubs.

My wife and daughter have started talking normally again. They had a long talk, which I was present for, where my wife apologized for being so pushy and extreme with her wishes. My daughter was well receptive to this talk and seems to be back to her normal self, I am keeping an eye on both of them to be sure. My wife is doing her best to understand my daughter's interests. Last I know the two were watching some slasher TV show on Hulu as a way to bond, and it appears to be working. There isn't any bad blood between the two.

I know things are soon, and that things can change, but so far everything appears to be smoothing over pretty well. Thank you for all the advice, harsh and gentle, that I reviewed through my original post. It definitely slapped me in the face as what could happen if I didn't get both of them help and make them talk it out.

I am NOT the OOP. Please do NOT harass OOP and please refer to rules 1 and 2 of this subreddit when talking to people in the comments.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH For Telling My Husband That I See Him As A Liability and Not A Partner?

Trigger Warnings: past trauma, body injuries, property damage, possible abuse and alcoholism

: July 24, 2024

Sorry for the long post, it's 2am and I'm crying and tired and worn out. If I'm rambling, it's because I've held this in for so long not wanting to burden friends or family with my marital troubles.

I 34F have been with my husband (37M, we'll call him Nathan) for 8 years. Ever since our daughter (3F) was born, I have been unable to trust Nathan with anything no matter how small.

Background context: When I was 19 after a semi truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and turned my car into scrap metal with me inside it. I have enough metal holding me together that I light up like a Christmas tree for TSA and physically impaired with good days and bad days. I used a portion of my settlement check to buy a house outright and have it retrofit to accommodate my needs as I'll eventually require a wheelchair. I work in software development as it's fun and nobody cares if I work from bed on bad days.

My husband has not worked in 5 years. Which has been fine until our daughter was born. Between the settlement money, a paid off house, and my salary, I enjoyed having him here with me. He contributed by handling most of the domestics. We pay for a weekly cleaner with monthly deep cleaning because it gave us more time together.

Ever since our daughter was born, it was like a light switch turned off in his head.

For our daughter, he would buy the wrong size diapers. Not fully mix bottles. Put diapers on backwards. Leave out poop-covered wipes. Forget to latch cabinets. This past week, he has gone to the store 3 times because he keeps coming home with the wrong size socks and shoes for her. I eventually just ordered the right ones on Amazon.

For me, he has tried to help me with my weekly pill organizer fill-up and several times has spilled the contents of new medications all over the floor. Then "not seeing" that he didn't get all of them off the floor. He has repeatedly brought me grapefruit juice to take my medications with - a huge no! He has repeatedly forgotten that I can't have dairy and puts milk in my coffee. Or cheese on a burger. He has broken SO many things of mine from being careless. He shattered my laptop because it slipped out of his hand when he tried to pack it for a trip. Even after I said I would pack my own electronics.

We've lost so many spoons and forks to the disposal. He tried to replace the head gasket in my car and over torqued the engine bolt (??) Which shattered insode the block and two different shops said they couldn't repair it. We ended up getting a new vehicle because a replacement engine would have cost $11,000. A week later, he crashed the new car into the garage door because he thought he'd pressed the brakes, not accelerator.

He wanted to do TikToks and streaming as a hobby. I supported him initially. But I quickly noticed a pattern. Anything regarding our daughter or me, he was sloppy and careless. He never whoops'd his own stuff. He would build entire sets to stream or make videos with, leave the garage, and leave his brain in the garage.

It came to a head four nights ago. He streamed himself building a new set piece. Nine hours straight. Meanwhile I worked, "clocked out early" to pick up our daughter from summer camp, cooked and fed both of us, got her ready for bed. He came out to help put her to bed. I let him know that I needed to get some work done and would be in my office. And I asked him to take the trash out. He says he will.

2 hours later, I left my office and the house felt really warm. He'd taken the trash out, but left our front door partially open. And was back in the garage with his game volume really loud. I panicked since our daughter is able to get out of bed and thankfully she was sound asleep. But she could have easily toddled right out of the house and he wouldn't have noticed.

Then I noticed a stove top burner was on. With a small pot on it with nothing inside. I didn't use the stove for cooking that night.

I pop my head into the garage and said "hey, I need you for a minute." I informed him of the door situation and he responds "i thought I locked it". We checked the camera and no, he did not. I ask about the burner being on and he said he was planning to make ramen and forgot. He pulled the still hot pot off the burner and put it straight into the sink on top of our daughter's favorite plastic plate. Which is now ruined.

I'll admit I overreacted and screamed "What are YOU DOING". He realized what he'd done and pulls the pot off our daughter's plate... and straight onto the countertop. I grab it quickly and run it under water to cool it down.

I tell him I can't tonight. I can't deal with him. I'm taking my meds and going to sleep. He gets a cup from the cupboard, and sets it straight onto the burner that'd been on.

I hit my limit. I started crying. He kept saying that it was fine, things happen, it's just an accident, he's had a rough day from streaming, he's just tired. Why am I crying, it's just a cup. We can replace it.

The anger hit and I said "It's because I have a liability and not a partner." He said "what the fuck does that mean". I screamed that it's because I can't trust him to do anything. That I'm always having to watch him like a child. Always having to bear the costs of his mistakes. That every time I get careless and think I can trust him to be an adult, I'm always the one getting fucked over. I then said "I can't see you as a partner anymore. You're just another liability in my checkbook".

He immediately stormed out of the kitchen and went to bed. I called my mom and told her what happened. She thinks it's just stress and offered to take our daughter for a week so we could figure this out without our daughter seeing it. She says it was an asshole thing to call my husband a liability.

In the morning, I told my husband that my mom would pick up our daughter from summer camp and offered to watch her for a week. He said "ok" and that's the only interaction we've had since. He spends all day in the garage playing games with his friends, making Tiktoks, and streaming. For food, he's been ordering DoorDash and having the person deliver it in the garage.

It's been days and he refuses to be in the same room as me. I've tried messaging him to ask if we can talk. Or figure out a solution. But he's just left me on read. If I pop into the garage, he ignores me but apologizes to his friends or viewers for the interruption and geek unmute his mic when the noise stops.

Before the blow up, I've asked if there was something going on. I tried to gently respond every time he screwed up so our daughter didn't associate "mistake" to "anger". I asked him to schedule with a doctor to see if something was going wrong medically. He always said I was over-reacting, people make mistakes. And didn't see an issue, even when the same mistakes kept happening. When I tried to get him to understand that it was concerning just how expensive his mistakes were getting, he'd wave it off as a "it's not like we can't afford it".

I love him dearly, I just miss the person he was before we had a child. The one I could trust and rely on. Did I screw this up forever? Was I being too harsh on his mistakes? Am I missing something? Am I the asshole?

Relevant Comments

OOP on if her husband is using her money

OOP (downvoted): We do have a shared account for household expenses and bills but he is using his own money as far as I can see. When he became a stay at home husband, I didn't want him to ever feel like he was financially trapped or abused. Also the thought of my husband having to ask for money (permission) to buy things for himself or not being able to buy gifts discreetly felt ick to me.

My paychecks get split between the expenses account, $300 each deposited into separate accounts the other can't see, and the rest to savings. To me, it's his money to save or spend how he wants.

I read through all the responses and have removed the allocation to his account. I also removed his name as an authorized user on the bills/expenses account.

Before our daughter was born, this did seem the fairest because he was managing the household tasks and maintenance. But I understand everyone's frustration at me since the arrangement is no longer fair or equitable.

I can't cancel his card because my name isn't on that account at all, but I have put a stop to this Friday's and all future deposits.

OOP on if her husband contributed to anything before their daughter’s birth and afterwards

OOP: Before our daughter was born, he was contributing and I valued him for it. He cooked most our meals, did the daily cleaning chores like dishes, wiping counters, cat litter scooping. We did bi-weekly grocery trips and bulk store runs together, but one-offs during the week he would handle. He also helped me hit the ground running with scrambled eggs and coffee in bed so i could take my heart medication. I never had to run the laundry or consider taking the heavier pain meds to get through folding and hanging everything.

He still mostly does these, minus breakfast. Dishes sometimes sit overnight due to his streaming, but I also attribute it to our toddler wanting each part of her meal in a different small bowl and our dishwasher can only fit so many of the Ikea kids bowls.

He does do the daily things like dishes, scooping cat litter, wiping counters, getting trash out, cleaning random messes that occur, etc. Plus laundry, yard work. We pay for a weekly cleaner so we dont run into the issue of deferred cleaning (?) where neglecting the house for a few days (illness, doctor visits, family visiting, local outings, etc) doesn't ever turn into a "theres too much to catch up on omg where do i start" freeze. I've always struggled with that in the past. And the monthly deep cleaner because it's honestly just really nice having a professional come in. Our monthly deep cleaner is also a professional organizer which has been a tremendous help with the transition from infant to toddler organization of clothing and toys.

OOP on her husband’s qualities

OOP: He's incredibly creative and we used to have so much fun working on projects together. He's a modern day MacGyver. Give him a roll of duct tape, two pennies, some foam, cardboard and paint and he can build beautiful set pieces that could be mistaken for props on Broadway. He learned how to make a mini forge from a flower pot and a makeshift lathe. He practiced until he made the ring he proposed with. Complete with my favorite gemstone. Blue opal.

His smile is infectious and he tells the best of horrible puns and jokes. He took cooking classes to learn how to make my favorite dishes and made his own notecard recipe book. He doesn't hesitate to belt out everything from AQUA to Backstreet Boys, Broadway showtunes, Nightwish, and everything in between. Offkey but as if the rest of the world isnt there. Play a Michael Jackson song and he's on the dance floor by the end of the first note.

When i gave birth to our daughter, I didn't have hospital food as my first meal. He'd worked out an arrangement with the owner of my favorite restaurant. No matter what time of day or night, as soon as i went into labor, he would message the restaurant owner who would prepare my usual faves and personally deliver the meal to the hospital. I had no idea until it arrived and the smell hit my nose. I cried so many happy tears into my food.

I love frogs. He used to take a photo of every frog he'd find in our yard. He designed and vaccuformed a sign for our house that has both our favorite animals that says "Welcome Home". If he was out, he'd send me photos of, or come home with, cute frog themed things.

On my bad pain days where I mostly "rot" in bed, he would bring me meals. On a wooden tray he made. It converts from a carry tray to a bed tray. He got the idea from hospital food trays. He helps me get my socks and shoes on when i just cant quite do it myself. He learned how to do a few styles of updos and how to curl and flatten hair to help me feel pretty. On days where I hate the broken body I have, he'll put my hair up and it brightens my day.

That's the person i fell in love with. And so deeply miss.

Some days he's that person. But more frequently now, hes not.

: July 30, 2024

Sorry for not being so responsive. Thank you to everyone who gave feedback and suggestions and all of the messages. It's been a week.

Before I get into the update, going to answer some repeated questions. (Skip ahead 8 paragraphs for the actual update)

1. Why does my husband not work? He can easily find employment but we both agreed that the pay was never worth the toxic environment of his field unless he wanted to start his own business, which he did not. He worked in home repair and renovation. It was gross how his coworkers spoke of and treated women, female customers and coworkers alike. He saw many female coworkers be sexually harassed into quitting. He hated how gross it made him feel when sales and adjusters would take advantage of women. Yes, selling inferior and unnecessary services at a premium is a thing. If he said anything, his hours would get cut until he left. He left one job on the first day because his boss left a screaming voicemail for not selling a refrigerant service to a young black couple who didnt even need refrigerant. Yes, he's got documentation and reported multiple employers to the state labor board. And checked back. Nothing was ever done to our knowledge.

He's also tried a factory job and a warehouse since leaving the trades. Both heavily penalized him for needing scheduled time off for my medical needs. Theres no worker protection here for any of that until FMLA - unpaid - which takes a year to be eligible for. Yes. It is a privilege to walk away from a paying job with your middle fingers held high. I have done the same many times but am happy where I'm at right now because its the opposite of toxic. I'm thriving and our company has a no penalty, unlimited paid sick/medical leave policy that is strictly "enforced" at all levels of management. Any lead who penalizes people for taking leave gets sacked. A unicorn of a company.

Add in a child and short of finding another unicorn employer who won't penalize him for needing time off for me or our daughter -such as when daycare closed for a week due to an RSV outbreak- puts him out of the workforce until either I stop working or our child old enough to not need consistent monitoring.

Last reason for this dynamic is that although I'm disabled, my job pays almost double the highest salary he's ever had. With no reduction in pay for needing time off. It doesnt make financial sense for us to switch who the working partner is.

2. Does my husband have a large following or make money from streaming/TikTok? No. His lives have an average of 6 viewers. And his Twitch has 3 followers. When we did our taxes, he didnt get a 1099 and he showed me that hed got all of $6 from TikTok live gifts. Nothing from Twitch. His viewer counts are about the same as end of last year.

3. Why do we still have a weekly housekeeper and have our daughter in summer camp and part-time daycare? I hate the dynamic of one spouse working a single job for 40 hours a week while the other juggles simultaneous domestic duties, child rearing (care, enrichment, socialization), and essentially being on call 24/7. I would not want those expectations of me and couldn't fathom putting all of it on someone I love and cherish. If my husband did all of the activities and field trips that daycare did, his evenings and weekends would be taken up by domestic duties that i would physically struggle with assisting. The weekly housekeeper helps prevent deferred cleaning "paralysis". Where small missed things pile up into unwieldy monster tasks and struggling with where to start. The monthly deep clean and organization has been a world of self care as we navigated to having an infant and the transition from infant to toddler. (Edited to add: Our daughter started at the part time daycare when she turned 3. Before then, my partner *was* the primary caretaker which made the weekly housekeeping that much more helpful in not letting things fall to disarray.)

4. The "allowance" thing. Yes. I wanted a dynamic where my husband had his "own" money even if he was not working a paying job. Maybe I've been on social media too long, but I've read so many stories of non working spouses (albeit mostly women) being financially abused or unable to leave marriages because they did not have access to money they could save up in private. Should I have stopped it sooner when our dynamic became too unbalanced? Yes. I own that.

5. As for "what happens if/when we divorce", the house and settlement balance is in a trust completely separated and as far as my lawyer can tell, out of his reach. Alimony would be up for a judge to decide, but between my documentation, that his licenses/certs aren't expired, plus my continual medical costs, theres a good chance of not being obligated.

Hopefully that answers most or all of the background-related questions? Onto the update.

Friday I finished work to the smell of food being cooked. My husband was plating dinner on the table when I left my office. He said he wanted to talk over dinner.

Some people had given me a heads up that my story was on multiple TikToks and Im grateful because it meant being prepared for the possibility he would see it. Which, I have feelings about my post being used for content on the very platform my child and I have been neglected for. Not good ones.

He did see one. He asked if it was me and I told him the truth. Yes, I wrote it. Yes, that's how I feel. And Yes, I read the comments on Reddit. And no, I won't delete or change how I write about him just because I know he can see it. I don't know how to describe his reaction, but he said he'd spent the last day reflecting on "just how bad could it be" for so many medical diagnosis suggestions be given as reason and justification.

He did say that he's not ADHD. His mom was addicted to opioids and Ritalin when he was a kid and she tried to get numerous doctors to have him diagnosed ADHD. She had him believing he was so he also sought out two opinions once he was an adult. He didnt learn about her addiction until his mid 20's. He did seek therapy once he was aware that his mom was trying to use him for pills. He said he was willing to see a psychiatrist one more time, but he doesn't think he's ADHD or autistic at all. He does think he might be depressed though. If not depressed, he will ask about some of the other medical suggestions if it will ease my worry or rule out a major problem.

He did sound genuine in this but something he said is sticking with me. He said it jokingly and apologized as soon as he saw the hurt in my eyes. That everyone saying there's something wrong in his brain must be onto something since he chose to love and marry someone "medically fragile" knowing our life together would be anything but normal.

He did also admit that the night he'd left the door open, the pot on, ruined our child's favorite dish, and a cup - he'd drank a little too much on his stream. And would monitor that more closely. He said the last few nights, he had been filling his "wine bottle" with grape juice so it looked like he was a jolly drinking viking, but was actually sober. He said he would keep doing that.

After dinner, we went out and he surprised me with seeing the new Deadpool movie. We didn't go to our normal theater because he looked up what each theater had for limited edition popcorn buckets. I now have the baby Deadpool one that holds popcorn and a drink.

We spent the next day going over the extent of how our family dynamic changed for the worse. How the little things have added up. How I see "change" as a part of an apology - if you verbally apologize but repeatedly do the same thing, the apology words are worthless to me. And that he didn't recognize just how frequently he was making the same/similar oopsies.

Sunday, we spent talking over short and long term. What needs to change immediately, him scheduling his own doctor appointments. Timelines for expectations. He agreed that replacing or fixing things he caused will no longer come out of our expense account. He will pay it from his "allowance" account. Which we talked about. I did turn deposits back on, but only for $50 per paycheck. He suggested we keep it that way until he's "paid back" the cost of repairing the garage and car from earlier this year. He said it will take him far longer to undo the cost of destroying the engine to my last vehicle, but that he's going to step up and find ways to make it right.

Yes. I see the red flags. Love bombing. Not "knowing" how frequently despite repeated talks. Thinking verbal apologies are the final step in apologizing and not "understanding" that repeatedly doing the same problem thing is the same as never apologizing. And yes, I know he will read this.

Do I actually think this is resolved and we will come out of this as a perfect married couple who stays together until one of us croaks? Not really. (Full offense to husband, for now) Is it a potential resolution? Maybe. But my husband is fully aware that he has a lot to make up for, a lot to fix, and a tight schedule to make it happen. And that the lesson for our daughter (later in life) is either going to be "taking real accountability can steer a wayward ship back to course", "taking accountability is the right thing to do, even if you don't get the result you wanted", or "love alone isn't enough."

tldr: Wow this sucks. I suck for letting it get this far. My husband sucks for what he's put us through. Life owes me a dinner date if its gonna eff me so hard. But there's a potential path forward that doesn't involve divorce. But may involve divorce.

Edit to add: He finally read the post so please read between the lines to what I'm actually saying. Last 4 words of the previous 4 paragraphs if it's not obvious.

Relevant Comments

yesimreadytorumble: there is some truth to his joke given his ability to work has been impacted due to your medical needs, neither of you seem very keen on being a partner and given your take on alimony and money in general, i hope he looks out for his own financial interests.

OOP: I'm trying to be a partner. It's why I am supportive and pay for help (housekeeping, part time daycare that is currently a full time summer camp) as well as ensure he has his own money to spend how he wants. There is truth that my medical needs impacts his ability to work, which would hurt him for alimony because he wouldn't need a unicorn job with unpenalized PTO if we aren't together. Would I still help him land semi-softly on his feet? Most likely. A judge, from what I've been told, would be less likely to obligate it.

OOP on needing to grow a spine and have her talks with her husband to improve things

OOP: I wish I could grow a spine and replace the one being held together with duct tape, screws, rust, and vibes.

I'm -well- aware that he's 99.9% likely in a panic and the next month if that is going to be a refreshing, but temporary, change. Sorry people wrongly dogpiled you previously, but you are quite mistaken here for assuming my "I want to verify that my husband is indeed choosing to suck" is proof that I intend to continue living like this.

BunchFull: Your two posts have a much larger following after a week that he does on all of his streaming junk combined 🤣

I have a very hard time believing he couldn’t keep a job because of how toxic his work environment was….but that’s just me 🤷🏻‍♂️

OOP: Looooook, I wasnt gonna say it. But you're not wrong.

The toxic work environments part is sadly very true; I've seen the evidence he collected and submitted to the labor board. At least before everything went sideways, things were really nice with him as a house husband. Am sad he squandered it. I'll be financially able to retire in just a few years barring my career field suddenly tanking salaries though.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for breaking up with my fiance after he insisted on me forgiving my bio dad?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, neglect, harassment, abandonment

  Apr 29, 2024

Let me clearify that this is a throwaway account. My friends follow my personal account. Don't mind my english, I'm argentinian. And also, I would like to make things short, but I'm afraid that it's pretty impossible, since I'm going to have to give a lot of context.

So, basically I (28F now) and my twin brother Leo (28M) were raised by my mother alone in our childhood. She was married to my dad, but divorced him when she found out he was cheating, and he just dissapeared and didn't even paid child support when we were four years old. My mom raised us alone, that grew up with abusive parents. She was a teacher and did her best to take care of us, and she was and still is simply the best mom you could ask for. Never abusive or unfair, never showed any favoritism, she was always interested in us and was the perfect combination of a fun, but responsable parent. As a result, my brother and I decided to do our best not to generate any problem to her. We did our best in school, didn't generate troubles and did all our chores. My mom started dating our stepdad, Carlos, who was her highschool sweetheart when we were eleven. And this guy was always the father we never had, and loved us like their own. They also had our little sister Virginia, and we have been a big happy family.

Now, our dad tried to reach us several times. But after a few dissapointments, Leo and I decided to cut him off and appreciate that we had a great man like Carlos in our lives, who swore to us that he would never go away.

Back to the present, I had been dating my now ex fiance Jonathan (30M) for three years. We had been engaged for a couple of months and living together, and everything seemed perfect, except one thing: He sometimes would try to convince me to forgive my father and to invite him to our wedding. He knows everything that happend, but he's still insisting on the fact that he's family and I should forgive him. But I draw the line when he invited his parents and tried to make an intervention. I had to hold my anger as I heard all their bullshit, and I was about to snap, but I forced myself to calm down. I simply took off my ring, left it at the table and said that we were done for good. They were all shock, and I stood up, grabbed my phone and called my ex boyfriend from highschool, Lucas (28M) and explained what happend to him, and asked for some help to go back to my hometown. Lucas and I dated for four years, from fourteen to eighteen and broke up due to distant. We were friends since we were six years old, so he was with me through all the dissapointments that my bio dad gave me. We're still friends and see each other when we go back home, and often call each other He was angry, and told me he would be there right away. The town it's only an hour away from the city I was living in.

I started to pack my stuff, while him and his parents kept trying to make me change my mind, but I just ignored and called my mom and brother to tell them the wedding was off and that I would be going back home for a while. They kept and kept telling me I was exaggerating, that I was choosing wrong, but I just packed everything I own and Lucas showed up pretty quick. Of course, my ex fiance was mad that I had called my ex boyfriend, but I didn't care and Lucas and I just went back home. Luckly, I work from home, so I don't have any problem moving whenever I want. I can work from anywhere.

I decided to let know all my close circle what had happend right away, and they are all on my side. I arrived to my hometown, and my stepdad, mom and little sister recieved me with a lot of love, and told me I needed to do what felt right and not to force myself to get myself in a marriage if my fiance can't even respect my boundaries and invalidates my feelings. Lucas said that I deserve someone better, and to try to focus on moving on.

However, Jonathan's friends and family is still berating me for breaking up with him in front of his parents and leaving with my ex just like that. But in my defense, he didn't give me a choice.

Part of me is thinking they're only doing it because their his family and friends, but part of me is starting to believe that maybe yeah, I handled things wrong. I don't regret breaking up with him, it hurts, but it just feels better like this. But maybe I was too harsh. I don't know, AITA?

  July 30, 2024 (3 months later)

I doubt anyone will read this, but here's an update. I would like to thank everyone who commented, I wasn't able to see the comments until like a week later due to some problems I had with my phone, and it seemed pretty pointless to reply after so long. But thanks for the advices, I appreciate.

So, it's been over three months since I posted,  four since I broke up with my ex fiance. A lot has happend ever since. After the first month, I thought my ex had given up, but he tried hard to find me through all our contacts. Finally, one mutual friend told him where I was and he showed up at my house. My stepdad threatend to call the police if he didn't leave, and he did, but told my stepdad he wouldn't stop trying until he could talk to me. I wasn't home at the time, and I chose to talk to him. I decided to call him and make things clear to him. I didn't think it was necessary, but I did think maybe he thought we still had a chance. So I called him and I told him that we were done and that wouldn't change, and I didn't care what reasons he had to do what he did, I was clear about the situation with my bio dad and he completely ignored my feelings and thoughts when it wasn't his business, and that someone like him, who thinks he's always right is not someone to be trusted. Then I just cut the phone call.

Some people on the comments kept asking why would he do this, and I think that's because of two reasons: The first one is that his mindset is that family is family, and no matter what, you need to always be there for them. As you can guess, I don't agree with that at all. I think family is the people you choose, and no person is worthy of being in your life just because they are your own blood. And I think like this for a long while now, and it's what helped me get through everything. Also, he was the type of person who thinks the best thing is to forgive to be okay with yourself, to be at peace. And well, that's bullshit for me. I don't think that's necessary at all, and I think you can move on from something withouth forgiving anyone who screwed you up.

Some people also thought that I needed to go to therapy to deal with this. The truth is that I went to therapy for a while for this and multiple other problems, and I'm at peace with it. I don't think about it, but I do know that I don't want him on my life, and that's my choice and no one else's.

Now, many asked why I asked my ex to come pick me up, and the truth is pretty simple. I trust Lucas with my life, but besides that, he's  tall and a boxer, and well, I knew that there were chances of everything going to shit and that things could get violent, or at least I was scared of it, and that's why I called Lucas. I once had another situation with another guy I went out with for like a month, he got violent and I called Lucas to help me. Like I said in the post, we were friends before dating, and now it's kinda confusing. I'm not the kind to jump from one relationship to another, and that's why I avoided seeing Lucas personally, because I was starting to feel confused with my feelings towards him.

I took my time to process the break up, and two weeks ago I met with him to talk and told him what was happening to me, he said he was going through something similar and we agreed to give it another shot. We're still seeing, but it's pretty clear to me that my feelings are even stronger than I thought.

Anyway, hopefully this will be my first and last update, but you never know. I heard that my ex is still trying to contact me, but I'm just ignoring it for now. If things get messy, I'll see what I'll do then.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous + +

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

[New Update]: I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, past abuse, mention of abortion, deadbeat father, coercion, weaponization of legal system

RECAP

: January 28, 2024

I (F, 26) had an affair with a married man (M, 42) a few years ago. I had no clue he was married when we first met and hooked up. I obviously looked him up on social media and while he did have photos of his kids on there, there was absolutely no mention or photos of a wife at all. I found out that he was married about a month after we first got together, but he told me it was just a marriage on paper and that they basically lived separate lives and agreed to remain married for practical purposes until the kids were older. They owned a business, which she really ran and he was just financially involved in.

I knew at the time that I probably shouldn’t believe him, but I convinced myself it was true. I was in my early 20s and so attracted to him and I guess almost infatuated with him. He made me feel so good. I know now that I should have ended it immediately, but I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I was addicted to all of the attention he gave me, the great sex, the places he’d take me. I felt special. I was so naive.

I got pregnant about a year into seeing him. I had always been so careful with preventing pregnancy, but during my relationship with him I took stupid risks. I was so high in lust with this guy, it’s embarrassing. The things he’d asked me to do…I’d say yes to almost anything, even when I knew it was a bad idea.

I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I hadn’t intentionally wanted to get pregnant. I would of course dream about being his wife and having a family but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility while he had this arrangement with his actual wife. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose with any intention of him leaving her for me, even if I wished that we could be a real, normal couple. I was surprised by how excited I was to be pregnant with his baby. I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. The thought of carrying this baby of the man I loved was so special to me, but I knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same.

I told him I was pregnant and he told me I couldn’t keep the baby. I expected his reaction, but I was devastated and it hurt me to my core that he didn’t feel the same way I did. He offered to pay, to make a whole weekend of it somewhere exciting (wtf?) and to buy me something special if I’d just please get rid of the baby. He explained that he didn’t want any more kids and that he couldn’t openly be a father to another kid when he and his wife were still pretending to be happily married to the outside world.

I agreed to do what he wanted and we made plans for him to pick me up and find somewhere out of town to go get it done. I was all packed the night he was going to pick me up, but I started to feel really scared and really unsafe about the whole thing. I took my bag and checked myself into a hotel to hide because I couldn’t go with him. I texted him to say I promised to never contact him again and to never name him as the father or go after child support if he’d promise to leave me alone.

At first he tried to sweet talk me into doing what he wanted. When I didn’t cave in, he said some very nasty things to me and that I essentially better never contact him again or show up at his door.

I have a 2 year old now. At times, it’s been difficult, but overall we are thriving as best we can. I have kept my word about not naming his as the father or requesting child support.

His wife contacted me on social media. Well, she’s his ex-wife now. She wants to talk to me. She found out about me and told me that she divorced him 6 months ago. She wants her children to know their sibling and for my child to know his siblings. That’s weird to me.

I haven’t responded back to her yet. I am unsure about how to approach this. How to I respond to this? I wonder if I’m being selfish by not exploring an option for my child to know his siblings, if she’s being genuine about that. If I was married and my husband fathered a child outside of our marriage I don’t think I’d feel the same that she does.

Relevant Comments

I didn’t know he was married when we first got together. I acknowledged that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out he was married. I allowed myself to believe what he told me, which made it seem not so bad - like this was some sort of agreement he and his wife had. Emotionally, I was already hooked. I’m not making excuses.

I wouldn’t say I was “happy” to bring a baby into this situation. There was a huge mix of emotions. I felt like I was in love with him, so there was a part of me that was excited at first. That feeling soon died, but I felt that I loved my baby still. I tried to do the best thing that I could, which was to remove myself from his life and his family’s life. I just wanted to be able to keep my baby and love my baby. I did not get pregnant on purpose. I wasn’t on birth control. I had been on birth control when I was slightly younger and had a life threatening health complications as a result. He knew I wasn’t on birth control. He loved unprotected sex. I was stupid and I agreed to do it. I would do almost anything he asked sexually. I tried to track my cycle and would tell him when it was probably not a safe time to do it.

His wife isn’t really what I’m afraid of. Whatever she’d want to say to me is probably deserved anyway, and more.

He found out about the pregnancy before I “ghosted” him. And upon finding out I was pregnant with his child, there was absolutely no real discussion about what we were going to do. We were going to do what he wanted to do and he had it all planned out. He threatened me, by text and by phone calls and voicemails, when I told him I was not going to go with him on this abortion vacation he had planned. I begged him to please not force me to do that and he turned mean. I offered to never contact him again if he’d just let me go. After threatening me again, about what he’d do if I didn’t keep my word, he agreed. He has kept his side of the bargain and has never contacted me.

I’ve been assuming that she found out about me in her own, maybe saw something on his phone or computer and has probably known for a while before reaching out to me (if it’s actually her).

I get what some people are saying about siblings and such, but that man is not my child’s dad. He is the dad of his older kids but he’s not the dad of my kid. I’m still young and I hope to have more children one day, and those children would be my son’s siblings. I hope to find a man who loves me and my son and with whom I can have a legitimate relationship. I haven’t been with another man since I ended things with this guy. I actually just went on 2 dates for the first time very recently. I’m not desperate to find a man right now, but I hope to find real love one day.

Those people are not my son’s family. He’s 2 and they’re old enough to drive. So, I do t think they’re missing out on any sort of important relationship right now. I understand wanting to know your bio family, and I feel he can decide that later on when he’s old enough to have a day. Depending on where we are at in our lives at the time, he might not feel a need to know those people.

I don’t plan to lie to my son about his conception, but I don’t think we need to involve ourselves with the man’s ex-wife and teenage children at this time.

: February 18, 2024

I made a post 3 weeks ago and things have only gotten stranger. I had an affair with a married man a few years ago. I regret it and I will never do anything like that ever again. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning, but he captivated me. I was naive. I allowed myself to believe when he told me they were pretty much just married on paper for the sake of their kids. I got pregnant and while he tried to talk me into getting an abortion I ultimately decided to keep the baby. I have a 2 year old little boy now. I promised this man that I wouldn’t expose our affair and I wouldn’t formally identify him as the father or request child support. I did that because he was becoming very nasty about the whole thing and I felt like due to the mess that I had created and the way I felt by the end of it, a clean break with no involvement with him would be the best thing for everyone. I moved back to where my family is, hundreds of miles from where he and his family live.

About a month ago his ex-wife reached out to me via social media, claiming they had been divorced for 6 months and that she wanted our children to be able to know each other. Now, their kids are teenagers, so I didn’t really think they’d want anything to do with the toddler and the woman their father was having an affair with. It seemed odd to me. After posting here, I sort of decided that I wouldn’t respond to her. I’d just ignore it. She just sent me the one message, so it wasn’t as if she was badgering me about talking to me or meeting me.

On Friday night I decided to message her. I don’t really know why. I think it was really just for my sake so I could have the chance to apologize to her. I told her that I would be more comfortable speaking with her face to face since I couldn’t trust that it was really her. She said she understood. I was too nervous to meet her in person, but we did a video chat. I didn’t know what to expect, if this was all a ploy just to unleash her fury on me or what. I mean, I’d deserve that. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.

It was really her. She told me she discovered our affair when she found communications between the two of us, after our relationship had ended. She told me I’m one of many women he had affairs with over the years and she knew about somebody even before he met me, but she didn’t divorce him at the time. Finding out about my child was the final straw for her. I told her I was sorry for my relationship with her husband and admitted that I knew he was married. She graciously told me she forgives me and that while she harbored a lot of anger towards me initially, she ultimately blames her husband. I’m not blameless, but she chooses to not hate me, essentially. She said she couldn’t have said this 6 months ago or a year ago when she first found out about me, but she has moved past that. She still has anger toward him, in addition to many other emotions surrounding him. She started pouring out her heart to me about their 20+ year marriage and life together and it was very awkward because what do I even say?

Her kids know about me and my son. She says they’re very mad at their father. Somehow I don’t think they’re mad about the fact that he’s not involved with my son’s life. And why would they be mad about that? I would hate me if I were them.

I told her with my son being so little right now, I don’t really feel comfortable with him meeting her kids or being involved with their family. I feel unsure about it and it’s just not something I feel needs to happen right now.

Then she told me her ex husband was in a bad accident 2 months ago. He’s fine now, still not allowed to return to all his normal activities just yet, but will be fine. He is probably the most physically active person I’ve ever met, barely ever seems to sit down, so he must be terribly annoying to be around if he’s not allowed to go go go all the time. She told me he wants to meet my son. Apparently she moved back in with him temporarily when he first came home from the hospital. She said the accident really shook him up and he has been expressing a lot of regret about my son, not being involved, not providing for him.

So now it’s like was everything she said just a lie and he somehow got her to reach out to me on his behalf? And she actually did it? It felt almost like a relief talking to her initially, but then it’s like was any of that true or you were just trying to be his messenger? I don’t even know if that part is true now. Why wouldn’t he just contact me himself?

I’m just feeling so uneasy about the whole thing now.

Relevant Comments

I don’t believe I HAVE to involve his teenage children in my son’s life. Maybe when my son is old enough to decide if he wants that.

He is not named on the birth certificate and I do not receive child support from him. I have asked nothing of him, except to let me move away and not try to force me to have an abortion. I basically had to promise him to not contact him, not make him as the father, not request child support.

If he truly wants involvement with my son he can reach out to my directly and he can take the legal route to establish himself as our son’s father.

He did not legally sever his rights. He never established rights in the first place. He has no rights until he goes to court and establishes himself as the father. He is welcome to do that.

Honestly, I wish my son did have a father who was involved in his life and loved him. Yes, this guy has faults, but he has plenty of positive qualities. He is really involved with his older children. I met them many times because they’d be at work with him or he’d have to drop by the office in his way to take them somewhere. He was always doing things with them. They seemed like good kids who really loved their dad. I wish my son could have that experience too. I didn’t think it was an option based on how he behaved when I was pregnant. He wasn’t interested and wanted me and our baby to go away. That’s what I did. And I accepted it.

He is not legally my son’s father at this time. This means that currently he has no legal parental rights or responsibilities regarding my son. I cannot stop him from taking the legal steps to establish paternity if he wishes to do so.

He will always be my son’s biological father. I can’t change that fact. Regardless of whether or not he ever legally establishes paternity, my son will likely be curious about his biological father and who knows, maybe they will establish a relationship one day regardless of legal paternity.

There is no way to say if I will meet a man who may want to adopt my son one day, thus becoming his legal father. It’s something that I think would be nice, but nothing that I’m “intent” on doing. By choice, I’ve only been one 2 dates since my son was born and that was only within the year 2024. I realize that it will not be as simple as signing a piece of paper.

: April 30, 2024 (2 months later)

I posted about this few months ago.

To summarize very quickly, when I was fresh out of college I had an affair with a married man and father. I became pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion. He had arranged to “take me away” in a “vacation” to get an abortion. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do but I agreed to go along with what we wanted. At the last minute, when he was on his way to come pick me up, I told him I couldn’t go through with the abortion. I just really didn’t feel comfortable about his plan and how he was orchestrating everything. It scared me. I realized at that time how deep I had gone with this mistake, how screwed up the whole relationship was.

He was really mad. He threatened me, said a lot of nasty things to me. I told him if he just left me alone and let me have my baby then I’d leave him alone and wouldn’t name him as the father or seek child support. I moved back home (I was living in a different state when I met him). I kept my word and I did t it name him as the father or seek to establish paternity. I have never sought child support. My child is 2 now.

A few months ago his wife contacted me via social media. At first she made it seem like she wanted my child to have the opportunity to know his siblings. It was sort of weird since the siblings are teenagers. She said she had divorced him 6 months prior.

I agreed to talk to her virtually, not in person. I felt that I owed it to her to apologize for what I had done. I do feel bad about it. But at the end of the conversation I told her that I didn’t feel it was the appropriate time to connect my son with her kids. He’s a toddler and their teens, plus I had promised her husband to stay out of his life. That’s when she told me that he was recently in a bad accident and she had been helping to take care of him. Supposedly he was going to be fine and was fairly recovered at that point, but she said he had expressed interest to meet our child. So she was basically his messenger.

I have not been in contact with her since then. I deleted my social media. I don’t know why, but the whole thing just really made me uncomfortable.

Since I last posted here….

Then, I received a handwritten letter from him. In it, he expressed how he wanted to get to know our son, he wants to be a father to our son, he wants to provide financially for him, he’d like us to come visit him. He asked me to sign a paternity affidavit. I refused to do so. I know he is my son’s father but I’m not going to make this that easy for him. After the things he said to me and threatened me with, he at least has to work for this.

At that point, my parents felt that we needed to meet with a lawyer. All communication from me has gone through a lawyer. I have never responded to him personally/directly.

Now, I have a court order for paternity. I have to present my son to have a specimen taken tomorrow. I already know what it’s going to say.

It’s not that I don’t want my son to have a dad in his life. It’s just…the whole situation is a mess. And he lives a few states away from me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t really do anything. He’s doing things legally. Next, I’m sure he’ll petition for some form of custody or visitation. He’s not married anymore, supposedly, but he’s a lot more established than I am. He has considerably more financial resources. I also know he has all sorts of connections where he lives. Luckily they don’t hold as much weight here in my state but it’s still so scary to me.

I’m a bad mom. I brought my son into this world knowing it was a messy situation. I just got so comfortable with it just being the 2 of us and now I don’t want to give that up.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if the father would be moving closer to her and her son now that he’s divorced from his ex-wife

OOP: To touch on just a few things…

I don’t think he’ll move away from where he lives. He has way too much established there.

He’s in his early 40s. I don’t know how this supposed accident (if that even really happened) has affected him, but he was incredibly physically active when I knew him. He only slept like 4 hours a night, took a 20 minute power nap daily, and rarely ever sat down. He was also HIGHLY involved in his children’s lives. I’d even say overprotective, like a helicopter dad instead of the typical helicopter mom.

Careless_Welder_4048: How did he have time to cheat?

OOP: He only slept a few hours a night and moved at about a million miles a minute. Everyone joked about it. Somehow he always had time to get up at 5 am, go surfing, do some work, take his kids to school, do some work, take his Power Nap, get coffee, pick his kids up after school and take them wakeboarding or some other sort of thing like that, do some more work, be at his kid’s basketball game, and so on and so forth. He literally never ever stopped.

I was just another thing to help fill out his calendar to prevent him from getting bored.

OOP on the father’s relationship with his ex-wife and their children

OOP: I also don’t think he and his wife had much of a relationship, although it wasn’t quite as he described it to me. They lived in the same house but I believe they lived pretty separate lives. He bought her a business to give her something to do and keep her busy. She was there most of the time. They didn’t even go to their kids activities together. He was always the one going. So I think that freed up time too. I don’t think they liked being around each other so she was happy to have him out of the house. She admitted to me that I wasn’t the first affair he had and she knew about most of the time we were together.

: June 15, 2024 (2 months later)

I won’t rehash the whole thing here. My previous posts are on my profile. I got pregnant from an affair with a married guy. He wanted me to have an abortion. I decided I didn’t want one. He turned mean, I promised to not name him as the father, legally, or to pursue any sort of child support. I moved away from where he and his family were located. I’m about 12 hours away from him now, back where my family is from. I haven’t reached out to him in the now over 3 years since.

His ex-wife reached out to me out of the blue via social media, initially claiming she wanted to connect with me so that our kids could know each other. When I politely declined for the time being, as her kids are teenagers and my son is a toddler and we live states apart, she revealed she was really reaching out in behalf of her ex-husband who had supposedly had a change of heart about being involved in our child’s life after nearly dying in an accident. I did not engage with her any further after that. It all made me feel very uncomfortable.

Later, I received a letter from him in the mail. He asked to be involved with our son, to provide for him, etc. It still felt weird. I mean he turned really mean and didn’t want anything to do with me or our baby and hadn’t made any attempt to contact me in years (and I was not hiding - his wife was obviously able to find me on social media and you can find my address online).

I felt like if he was serious, he’d take the steps to establish paternity legally. And that’s what he did. Around 1.5 months ago we were ordered to submit DNA samples for a paternity test. It took around 5 weeks to find out what I already knew it’d say. But now things are stalled for another several weeks for the next step in the court process.

I haven’t talked to him at all during this whole thing. I didn’t respond directly to his letter. I do have a lawyer and everything is basically going through him now.

Then without any warning, he just showed up at my home last weekend. Just knocked on the door like it was nothing. Basically, this is his son and he doesn’t want to wait another 6 weeks for the court to inevitably order us into some sort of custody mediation anyway…his words. Why can’t I just talk to him? I told him he made me uncomfortable and him just showing up at my house really made me uncomfortable. Honestly, I don’t know what made me so uncomfortable. The fact that he showed up unannounced like that or the fact that I instantly felt the same attraction to him that I had when I was with him and I didn’t want to feel that at all. In some weird way part of me felt happy to see him and then another part of me was disgusted that I was happy.

He said he doesn’t understand why we can’t just talk about this. He’s not trying to take my son away from me; he just wants to be involved in his life and to help provide for him like he should have been all along. He’s sorry he wasn’t there when he was born. He’s sorry he reacted the way that he did when I didn’t go along with his plans to take me on an abortion vacation. Why can’t I believe that he just wants to be a dad to his kid?

I guess I agree with him. Why can’t I just accept that he has had a change of heart? I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust my own judgment. I feel like if I easily let him into my son’s life I’m going to end up regretting it and be made a fool of somehow. I’ve already made so many mistakes when it comes to him.

He says it’s stupid of me to not try to work it out amongst ourselves first. I’m giving so much control to the court. I don’t know whether to believe that or to think it’s just his way of convincing me to do what he wants.

I know he will get some sort of visitation and eventual custody. Maybe it would be better if we try to come to an agreement, but he had the ability to sway me so easily. I’m so stupid when it comes to him. Nobody else has ever made me feel so foolish in my life.

I want my son to have a dad. I admit it’s probably selfish of me to want to keep him away. I just keep imagining having to spend weeks or months apart from my child while he’s living with his dad 12 hours away and I can’t stand the thought of it.

I’m just feeling sad, stupid, and defeated.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if the father is actually divorced from his wife

OOP: I checked the county records and they did actually get divorced.

Mammoth_Might8171: At this point, u need to trust your lawyer (hopefully he is a good one). Make sure that your lawyer has all the facts, including how poorly he treated u when he found out u were pregnant. Do not communicate anymore with your ex, especially since u know that u are incapable of making good decisions when he is involved. U may need to prepare yourself mentally that your ex is eventually going to play a role in your kid’s life (as much as that suck). Hopefully u can go after him for back-child support

OOP: My lawyer has any and all information that I possibly had to share.

I am already preparing myself that he will likely have a role in my child’s life. I mean, the change will be difficult for me and I honestly don’t want anything to change. But I’m trying to focus on any shred of positive outcome this could have for my son. He deserves a dad. I wish it wasn’t in this situation. I wish I had given him two loving parents in a stable relationship, the ideal. I wish I had at least given him a father who didn’t live states away. I feel bad that my son has two lying cheaters for parents. I truly do feel so embarrassed about our behavior in a new way I did before, ever since my son was born. Other than that whole thing and the fact that he’s apparently had affairs with multiple women according to his ex-wife, he actually seems like a good dad to his teenage kids. He was always very involved with them. I guess I’m just trying to cling to whatever positive things I can think of. He can also provide a lot more financially than I currently can. Thats scary for me because I’m already turning it into some sort of competition between us in my head. Several points for him, none for me. + My son is also very shy. He doesn’t do well if me or one of my parents isn’t there with him. I’m just now getting him involved in more activities with other kids and safe, trusted adults, but he still just clings to me. My heart breaks when I think of him meeting a strange man he doesn’t know and me not being there. I want to be there. + I think that’s how things normally go for him and to be perfectly honest that’s how I used to be for him to. Just go along with what he wants. He was obviously expecting me to when he showed up in person. He genuinely seemed surprised I didn’t cave in to his requests right on the spot. The previous version of me probably would have.

OOP on how the father managed to find her address

OOP: He sent me a letter in the mail previously. I Googled myself and my address comes up easily. Admittedly, I made no effort to hide myself after moving away. I didn’t think I needed to. He had no interest in being involved with our baby and I promised to never contact him again, so I thought that was the end of it.

His ex-wife told me he was in a bad accident when I talked to her. It’s not too surprising based on his hobbies. He lives at like 200 miles per minute. According to her, she had to move back into their house to take care of him while he recovered. When he showed up here, he didn’t look like somebody who had been in a life threatening accident not too terribly long ago. He told me he’s fully recovered and although he’ll probably have back issues the rest of his life he’s perfectly fine.

OOP on having a visitation plan with the father for her son

OOP: My lawyer says that other than creating a graduated visitation plan based on the fact that my son doesn’t know this man, the fact that he hasn’t been involved in his child’s life for the last 3 years won’t mean much to the court. Their ultimate goal is for a child to have 2 parents. I screwed myself over by not naming him as the father at birth or trying to establish paternity in any way. Had I done that and he fought it, neglected to pay court ordered child support, etc., then we could have a better case as far as abandonment goes. He is putting in the effort to establish paternity now, is willing to pay child support (so he says), and is presumably going to tell the court he wants to see his kid and this is going to reflect positively for him, despite not being involved for 3 years.  

----NEW UPDATE----

: July 30, 2024

Since everyone got mad at me for posting a recap of my situation in my previous posts, I won’t even go there. If you’re interested in the backstory, you can read my previous posts.

All I will say is that I have a 3 year old son who was conceived with an affair I had with a married man. After initially making me promise to not contact him, to not name him as the father, and to not request child support, my child’s father has been pursuing involvement in our sons’s life over the last several months. He lives states away and most recently he showed up at my house to try to convince me to work things out directly with him.

Since the last time I posted, we’ve recently had a mediation session and he’s met our son twice. At this time, he will have supervised visitation, with me present. Because he lives states away, he is required to come here to see our son. It will not be on a weekly basis due to the travel. He will see him during 2 weeks of the month, 2 times each week, for a total of 4 visits a month +2 video calls a month This will last for 6 months. The next step will be for him to continue that schedule, but to have unsupervised visitation during which he cannot remove him from the area, for another 6 months. After a year, we agree to have another mediation session to determine next steps, with the goal (his goal) of being able to have my son at his home for short overnights. I’m not even ready to discuss that! He’s already suggesting I can come for the first few times. I don’t like the sound of it at all. We also have the option to request another mediation before 1 year and something tells me he’s going to pull that.

I also have an order for child support. While he is in agreement with paying child support, it will have to work through the court system before becoming official and for me to start getting the regular payment. He wrote me a large check in the meantime. I was hesitant to accept it. Not that I don’t think my son deserves it, but now I’m just always worried I’ll say or do the wrong thing legally, completely unknowingly, and shoot myself in the foot. Like, am I obligated myself and my son to anything by accepting this check? Can he somehow spin this against me?

Of course he was not in favor of the 6 month/6 month plan and while he does understand that my son should not just go off with a stranger upon first meeting him, he wishes we could speed it along a little more, but 6 months was what we were able to agree on. He wanted to fly us both to where he lived so he could spend a week or 2 getting to know our son but I don’t feel that’s appropriate at this time. Perhaps in a few months, or around the holidays, depending on how things are going. It would be too much too soon.

The initial two meetings went pretty much just as I thought they would. My son is extremely shy. He wanted to hide behind me most of the time. Then when he would venture out from behind me, as soon as his dad would say anything to him, he would scurry back behind me and just stare at his dad blankly without saying anything. He came out of his shell a little bit however he has still not said a single word to his dad. He just pretends like his dad isn’t there and only talks to me. I will say that his dad is being patient and understanding as far as that goes. If he’s frustrated, he’s not showing it. He did suggest that maybe our son needs to get out more, go to daycare more of even preschool instead of spending so much time with me and my parents. He’s very delighted with how much our son looks like him and how much he favors him over me.

The one thing that did bother me is that I already told him I wanted to be very careful and mindful of how we informed our son, this little barely 3 year old boy, that this man/complete stranger is his dad. He said “sure, yeah.” Then at the first meeting he introduced himself as dad. Since then I’ve been trying to help my son understand. Like, you know how your grandpa is my daddy, this guy is your daddy. It’s so surreal to me that any of this is happening. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for something to blow up in my face.

Now, it’s just working on accepting our new reality. All of this change is hard and confusing for my son and it’s hard for me. Unless he really fucks up, I’m looking at eventually shared times with my son spending school breaks and holidays at his dad’s house, hours and hours away in another state. It won’t happen tomorrow, but it will happen in the most likely reality. I just hope he stays committed. If he can be a good dad to my child then my child deserves that, no matter how sad sharing him makes me. If he breaks my son’s heart, that’ll be another story and I won’t accept that so readily.

Relevant Comments

OOP on the times when her son has to go visit his father and what the courts are deciding on

OOP: They haven’t ordered him to visit his father in his state. But eventually, that will probably happen, talking elementary school age.

Worldly-Promise675: I hope it all works out as well as it can given the circumstances. Your son and his wellbeing is definitely top priority. The BD seems really pushy and doesn’t like boundaries, so it does not seem he’s changed much.

OOP: He’s used to getting his way. I’m doing my best to not just roll over but also learn to compromise.

imoleila: Are you concerned that he may also try to push the idea of reconciling romantically? It sounds like you are focused on your son and he’s focused on getting his way.

OOP: I don’t know. He hasn’t really given me that impression. He’s given me compliments. He’s tried reminding me of some of the good times we had together. But I see that as all part of his schmoozing to just get me to do what he wants, not to get back together with me

OOP on getting a therapist for her son

OOP: Yes I’m working on finding a therapist for him. I realize I should have started that process BEFORE this all went into action.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for buying my sister's dream house?

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

: July 29, 2024

My (27 F) wife (30 F) and I recently closed on our dream house and it has the family torn. Years ago my grandparents owned “the family home”, but when they died unexpectedly with a LOT of medical debt and expenses our family had to sell their house. It was heartbreaking and sad and I decided as a small child that one day I would buy the house back. I shared those dreams with my sister.

I met my wife when I was 18 and she was 21. Her parents owned a small rental that they allowed her to live in rent free, just paying for the expenses. She invited me to live with her a year in to our relationship and we got married a year after that. I told her about my dreams of owning my grandparents house and she fully supported me. We began putting large amounts of money back for a down payment in the hopes that the house wouldn’t go on the market before we could afford it.

Because we didn’t pay rent and both had good jobs for our ages and the economy we lived in we were able to put back a very very large sun of money. My in laws also offered us a sum of $75,000 for the down payment and in total we put back about $185,000. About 20 years after my grandparents passed away their house finally went back on the market at a massive price. The house itself is huge with 6 bedrooms, a large lakefront estate, and several features including a pool and small guesthouse. We knew that this house would have a huge price tag and we skimped and budgeted for nine years to afford my dream house.

My sister was also house shopping at this time but with a much smaller budget. Her and her husband have children, student debt, and rented for the past several years and were not able to put back money in the same way my wife and I were. When our grandparents house went on the market I sent the link to my sister and said that we were finally getting our grandparents home back in the family. She was very excited and said as much and that was that.

My wife and I moved forward, visiting with the owners and real estate agents, having it inspected, and made an offer. They accepted and we were absolutely over the moon. Throughout this whole process my sister kept saying how excited she was to have the house back in the family and how nice it will be for her children to know this house and grow up in it like her and I did. Our grandparents house was the location of every birthday, holiday, gathering, and reunion. And my wife and I planned on making it that way again. Which was why what my sister said didn’t raise any red flags. Weird that she’d phrase it that way but not concerning.

We had a bbq at my parent’s house to celebrate the final closing of our house. During the dinner my MIL offered to kennel our dogs while we were in the stages of moving to keep things easier and them safe and that was when my sister piped up. She asked why our dogs needed to be watched when the real issue was her kids. My wife asked what she meant and she said that her kids will need more supervision than our dogs and that she was confused as to why we’d be so busy that our dogs needed watching.

I told her I was the one confused. I didn’t know she was helping us move and that if her kids couldn’t reliably be left to their own devices then she absolutely did not need to help us pack. My sister proceeded to ask why my wife and i would be packing. I told her the obvious, we just closed in a house? For length reasons I’ll leave out a lot of the back and forth but here’s the gist of it.

My sister had it in her head that we were buying the house to either A. Rent to own it out to her family or B. Transfer the title to her name and have her pay us back in time. Yes that is literally what she was thinking. Despite us never discussing anything like that once. When I told her that was not happening my sister threw a fit. She was pissed because “this was her dream too”. And that it wasn’t fair that only one of us could live it. That since she had children they deserved to grow up in the family home and what did my wife and I even need all that space for?

My wife told her that it isn’t “the family home” anymore. It wasn’t left in a will, we purchased it and now it is our home. And we decide what we will do with it. My sister told my wife to shut up and that she had no say in this “family discussion”. I informed my sister that if she spoke to my wife that way again we would not be having any kind of contact with her anymore. That she doesn’t get to assume we’re giving her a HOUSE and then throw a hissy fit when she’s put in her place. And we left.

My in-laws spoke to us on the matter a few times but all told us we were in the right and that my sister was very out of line. I assumed everyone would agree but if they did i wouldn’t be on this thread. I got texts and voicemails from my parents saying that we were out of line threatening my sister. They told me they were disappointed in me for taking my sister’s dream from her and that I don’t have kids so I can’t understand her want to provide them with a good home and childhood like she had. That it’s only fair we set up a way to give her the house and that we could afford to find something else. Even my more distant relatives have said that it was cruel of us to “take that from her”.

I’m honestly super shocked and taken aback. I’ve seen stories similar to this on Reddit, entitled people thinking they should get their relatives houses, but i never expected to live it. This feels surreal and I hate that we’re starting this new chapter out on such a sour note.

AITAH for buying my sisters dream house?

Edit: wow this blew up in such a short amount of time! Thank you for your support and if this continues to be interesting and not blow over I’ll definitely update. Yes this unfortunately is a real situation. And in case anyone is curious. Yes the house is big and expensive but it’s severely outdated. Which is why the size and features don’t exactly match the price in today’s housing market. Like I don’t think any owners after my grandparents renovated a single thing. Also I am a woman lol.

Update: I can’t read and respond to all of these comments but thank you!! I will continue to update but since posting yesterday morning not much had happened. I will add a bit more of what’s happened since the BBQ. I haven’t responded to any messages my family have left, I honestly didn’t think this was THAT big a deal but after scrolling through the comments for a while with my wife we’re both taking this much more seriously. A security system isn’t an option at this moment. The house needs too much work at this moment to have cameras and such set up. They’d be in the way if everything else being done, we’d have to have them removed for several of the things we need done, and we don’t even have internet access at the property at this moment. I will be scheduling meetings with some companies to start coming out and working on the property before we get to the cosmetics. However, we do have someone coming out to change the locks on Thursday. We won’t be moving in to the house for a bit since it needs so much work before we’re comfortable.

I’ve had a few people suggest the story is fake because the price of the house doesn’t match the features. The house needs a lot of work. It hasn’t been updated or worked on in years and the price reflects that. Also we are lucky to live in a state where property values haven’t skyrocketed too bad.

Edit 2: I’ve posted a full update! It’s on a separate post that for some damn reason I can’t link them together.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Lurker-78: Info: how much did the house cost if you put down almost $200K as a down payment

NTA, but your first mistake was sharing the listing with your sister.

OOP: The house was a little over $800k but down payment itself was only about $100k. the rest was used for closing costs, moving costs, and renovations/updates. It had a seriously dangerous deck that looked like it had been done by the homeowners that needs completely torn down and redone.

OOP responds on getting a will in place regarding the house in case if she and her wife passes on. That way her family cannot fight over the legal rights of the property

OOP: Honestly I never even thought of this, I’ve always assumed wills and trusts were enough but this is a scary possibility. Thank you and I will be strongly considering this.

: July 30, 2024

For the goddamn life of me I can’t get my post to link but I’m sure if you’re reading this it’s because you’ve already read my original post. If someone would link it in the comments I’d greatly appreciate it!

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and offering advice. To those who suggested getting a security system in place, we are going to do that but the house is not in a place where a security system can be installed. For the time being we’re looking into getting some battery power trail cameras as suggested by one Redditor (I can’t find your comment in the sea anymore but you know who you are!) We don’t have to worry about internet access and they won’t be in the way of renovations. We are restoring the house back to its original glory, pre carpeted bathrooms and mismatched wallpaper. Besides fixing broken shit and upgrading old appliances we’ll be having the floors redone, paint, wallpaper, new windows, and opening up some walls that shouldn’t be there.

For the next two weeks my wife and I will be meeting with people coming out to work on electricity, plumbing, and a few other things and we do have a consultation with a home security company. Along with cameras we’re looking to get alarms and door codes and set up an access gate around the property. One of those that needs either a passcode or to be let in by someone in the house. We’ve already made an appointment to have the locks changed and aren’t concerned about my family trying to squat there. My in-laws have allowed us to park their camper trailer on the property while work is being done not only for peace of mind but to avoid commuting back and forth multiple times daily.

For the actual update. I was hesitant to post this update since it’s so soon after my original post but I guess enough has happened for it to be useful information. The events of the bbq took place last week but I only got around to writing it all out yesterday.

I sent a message to my parents and siblings yesterday evening asking to meet up to talk things through and try and figure out what’s wrong and what exactly the hell is happening. Earlier today my wife and I met my parents and my brother’s family at his house before my sister arrived. I let them know that if they tried to interrupt or control the conversation we would leave. I told them that I never once even suggested my sister would be allowed to rent out the house or buy it from us. That u didn’t know where she got the idea from, and showed them the text strings where I first sent her the listing and every conversation where I updated her on the progress.

My mom asked to see the rest of the conversations about the house and I told her there were none. She informed me that my sister told them all that we had made an agreement that my wife and I would purchase it and then rent it out to my wife’s family until they’d paid enough to buy it. That we would live in the guest house and they’d get the main house. She told them that we had went back on our deal and had “absolutely shattered her dreams of raising her kids in the house she grew up in”.

We gave our side and it wasn’t difficult at all to convince my parents that we were telling the truth. With the lack of evidence on my sisters part and absolutely no legal documentation my parents didn’t even attempt to try and back up what she told them.

My parents were very apologetic and let us know that they never would have said those things to us had they known the truth and that they supported us 100%. My brother was supportive of us as well but he was never one of the people harassing us over this so his reaction is less important. Around then my sister and her husband showed up. My BIL is a doormat and will give my sister whatever she wants so I wasn’t expecting much from him.

I asked her to produce any of the necessary evidence to prove that I told her we’d rent the house out to her. That her lie was ill conceived and that she better have a good explanation. She attempted to suggest that i had deleted the conversation but when she couldn’t produce said messages either her story fell apart.

She started crying, saying it wasn’t fair that we “got everything handed to us” and that we “didn’t need a house this big” and that we were rubbing our wealth in her face. So to my understanding she thought she could trick everyone into bullying us into renting our house out to her? I guess? Like some kind of fucked in the head Scooby Doo villain? Instead of using ghosts to scare us away she’s using a fake rental agreement that she didn’t even attempt to make look or sound legit.

We let her know that she had a lot of apologizing to do before we’d consider having a relationship with her moving forward and that she wouldn’t be welcome in our home for a long time.

At the moment our relationship with my parents is rocky at best, for obvious reasons. They let us know that they’re here to support us if we need moving assistance or help with renovations but it’ll take some good hard thinking to decide if we’re okay with that. We will not be giving anyone in my family a spare key but my wife’s parents will receive one for emergencies. The house won’t be in a state to host guests for a bit so we are choosing to cross the “can my family be trusted at our home” bridge when we come to it.

To answer some common questions I’ve noticed in the comments. My sister obviously has some screws loose but my parents don’t really coddle her. She’s what you can consider the golden child (and the baby) but honestly most of her antics up until this point were just one upping achievements during our childhood or seeking more attention from our parents. She’s dramatic, entitled, and a little selfish but has never displayed this level of crazy before.

Yes we will get a security system but not for a bit. No my family will not be trusted with a key. Yes I am a woman. I know it’s crazy how can two women be married lol. My wife and I do not have kids and will not have them in the future. My sister has done some odd things but nothing as absolutely absurd as this. We will be meeting with an estate planner to put everything into writing. We plan on leaving the property to my SIL and her kids with my MIL as the executor of our estate for the time being. My sister and her family rent a small house in town. They aren’t struggling per se, they each are college educated with good jobs but children are expensive and then adding in student debt and $2,000 a month in rent and you aren’t exactly living it up.

Also there’s a surprising amount of people mad at my wife and I for being rich? We are not wealthy. My in laws are comfortable and are generous enough to allow us to occupy their rental at no charge. They bought a new house decades ago and just didn’t sell their previous one. So they allowed my wife to live there. The down payment was my wife’s college fund from years ago. Her parents put money in it but when she decided to go into a trade they kept the money and saved it specifically for the purpose of a down payment. When we told them that the house was up for sale finally they offered the college fund they had kept for her. We work good paying jobs but were able to save so much because we didn’t have to pay 2 grand a month for housing. We did skimp and save and we did damn well earn it. We lived below our means and spent years forgoing any kind of luxuries to afford something we wanted.

So yeah, not as drama filled as a lot of people were expecting or hoping. I don’t see this as the end of it, not at all, but for the time being my wife and I are focusing on dealing with our new house and not my sister. She’s blocked on both our phones as of this morning and I’m not sure when I plan on unblocking her.

Relevant Comments

True_True_1593: Leaving it to your SIL is mad work. You’re closer to your SIL than your sister?

OOP: The sister who attempted to trick, bully, and harass her way into taking the HOUSE we just bought and turned my entire family against us? And my SIL is my wife’s sister. So yes she’s just as close to us as my sister. Closer after the stunt my sister just pulled.

Latter-Syllabub-5560: "and I would have gotten away with the house if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS"

OOP: Ok this one got me😂

EvryDayGal: NTA: Your sister is delusional and has made up a narrative in her head that she is “owed” or entitled to certain privileges. Your parents are crazy for reinforcing that narrative to her. Good on you for taking your wife’s side and not standing for the disrespect.

Livid_Western7133: NTA. Do not ever give your parents or sister a spare key or the door code. Ever.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in and

I replaced letters with names for readability. Thanks to for the rec

This is a VERY LONG post. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is over 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: communication helps

Again, this is a long post.

Original : July 2, 2024

Repost as my last post got removed: I have been with my wife 4 years. I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship. My 5 year old (Leah) is from my first long term relationship during college. We split shortly after her birth, as my then-partner admitted to being unfaithful and not being ready to start a family.

My daughter LOVES my wife. They are inseparable. My ex does not have much to do with my daughter or myself except cause the occasional drama. She did not want any custody or visitation time, so my wife is her mother for all intents and purposes.

My wife is almost 8 months pregnant. She has shut me out of the entire pregnancy but refuses to admit anything is wrong. I feel completely ignored and hurt.

When we first learned she was pregnant, she told me while I was making breakfast. Of course I was elated! However since it was an unplanned pregnancy I asked how she was feeling at first. She began smiling and crying about how excited she is. I picked her up, gave her a million kisses, and told her I was so excited to have a baby too, and what a wonderful mother she would be. All good right? She went all out to announce to everyone else. Balloons and boxes, tshirts and “best big sister” mugs. I assumed the casual announcement with me is because she wanted my feelings on growing our family before celebrating. However, when her sister asked about how I liked my box, my wife quickly said “he didn’t get one, this isn’t his first rodeo.”

It was like pulling teeth to get her to let me go to the ultrasound appointments. She didn’t want me to miss work, didn’t want to interrupt Leah's routine, excuse after excuse. When it came to listening to the heartbeat, my wife instantly started crying happy tears. The tech was telling her how strong the heartbeat was, how precious our little one was, etc. I was feeling a bit emotional and cleared my throat to prevent crying. The tech said aw dad, isn’t that sound beautiful? My wife immediately said “this isn’t his first child, it’s not that special for him”. I immediately said this is one of the most important moments of my life. I can’t think of anything MORE special. The atmosphere was clearly awkward after.

Another thing that bothered me, I heard Leah and my wife’s mom laughing in the living area (I was in the kitchen making dinner). When I walked in and asked what the fuss was about Leah was touching my wife’s stomach and was laughing with excitement that the baby was moving and it would be so cute. My wife let my daughter and MIL feel the baby move before me. I was hurt but simply said how happy I was. Later that night, my wife was poking her belly and laughing. I asked her to feel as well and she said, “you’ve felt Leah move as a baby. What can be better than that? She was the cutest baby ever”

She has felt pretty poorly throughout her pregnancy, but refuses to let me help her. If I bring her a snack and drink, she offers it to our daughter. If I try and rub her feet or legs, she asks me to play with our daughter so she doesn’t feel like she is being replaced or ignored. I simply do not ignore my daughter. We have bonding time, I’m an active parent but I want to love my wife! She can hardly eat but when I asked her what I can prepare for her, it’s “whatever Leah wants”. We went to the zoo with Leah, and my wife started feeling bad. She had cramps and was considering going to the hospital, severe nausea and dizziness. I carry her to a bench nearby, and she began to cry saying she can’t even stand up. I told her let me call an ambulance or I’ll carry you to the car and drive you. She said she didn’t want to ruin Leah's trip and we didn’t even make it to the aviary (Leah's favorite part). I said I wasn’t leaving when she asked me to continue to go through the zoo with Leah. We sat for a while until her dad showed up (she didn’t even tell me he was coming) and he took her to the Dr. I was shocked, and followed them with Leah. When we arrived, Leah was upset about missing the aviary and pouting. At that point the health of my wife and unborn child were my concern, I really didn’t care Leah was upset. My wife was IRATE that I made Leah miss out.

Another example: we were watching Leah play in a local kids sport. I asked her, do you think our kid will be athletic? Artistic? Enjoy science or math? She said, this is Leah's moment, we shouldn’t make it about someone who isn’t even here. Leah was on the field, we were sitting in the stands. We had both waved to her, held up a sign for her, everything. I just wanted to talk about OUR baby.

When her bump was really showing, she would always show it off to anyone who wanted to look. Her family, friends, siblings, etc. do you want to see my bump? I’m huge, so excited, I can’t believe it’s only x more weeks. They all touch her bump, talk to it, etc. Her parents come and reads or tells “back in the day” stories. They go to the beach? A thousand bump pictures posted on her friends social media accounts “so ready to be an honorary auntie, her sister “wife puts the B in bump AND beautiful”. If we go out together? She wears the loosest clothes so I don’t see it. I’ll even see her pull her shirt down when she sees me come into the room.

She sat on me the other day after being playful in bed. Her bump was right in my face, I ran my hands up it and said you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, you already are a great mom to Leah, I can’t wait to see you as our family grows. This was one of the first times I was really able to feel her bump so I rested my hand there and said I love you so much already, I’m so excited to meet you. I hope you have your moms eyes”. She moved off of me and said “I know “ex partner” had a bigger bump than me, I bet it was fun seeing Leah move all the time. You don’t have to act like you care, I know you’ve done this before”. I said I don’t think about it that way. Leah is special, but this is a completely new and different special because it was with her and our baby was someone completely new and special. She began to leave the room and I could see her shoulders shake from crying.

I am 100% positive she is not cheating, nor has she ever. I just cannot wrap my head around why she doesn’t want me to be happy about this? The rest of the time is completely normal as long as I don’t mention the baby. She is affectionate, initaties intimacy, brags about what a good husband I am and how great I’ve made this pregnancy. We plan for our future, have date nights, everything else.

Unfortunately, we had a fight where I snapped. I had a break between clients at work, so I went to a local baby store and got a lot of things she had planned for the baby and nursery on her pinterest board. I came home and surprised her with flowers, a prenatal massage certificate, and her favorite food, as well as the baby items. She seemed very grateful, but when I came home (editor's note- OOP meant when he got home after going back to work again,) the items were no longer there. She said she returned it to buy Leah stuff, as she was going to feel left out. I lost it, I cried for the first time in our marriage and yelled that having a child with her was the worst mistake I’ve ever made, that at least my deadbeat ex at least gave me the chance to know my unborn child. That I didn’t care about the baby because she wouldn’t even let me bond with it (I do care, have since she told me). That I hoped she was as miserable as she made me and that she better be prepared for a custody dispute (she is a SAHM for Leah).

She simply said “I know you don’t care about the baby, but I’ll die before you take my baby from me.” What??? I have BEGGED her to let me interact with her/our baby. I asked her if her therapist had any insight on to why she was being like this- she said no, that she isn’t doing anything. I told her what I said above and she said I had those experiences already so it shouldn’t matter.

I asked her if the baby was mine (I know it is, I was just being mean) she threw her phone at me and said yes, go through it. I’ll do a paternity test, whatever you need.

I just called her parents and asked them to go to our house as we were having a disagreement and went to a hotel. I do not want to stress her or our unborn child, and I really want to repair this but I truly don’t know how. I’m staying at an Airbnb for now until we can figure this out, but I truly don’t know what to do. I miss her like crazy, and I can’t even begin to understand why she wants to behave this way. I have apologized for what I said, but I can’t take back what I said and I worry about when our baby is born if she will even want to be a family with me, or let me have anything to do with our baby. I spoke with a mutual friend who says she is very distraught and says she can’t be a single mom, loves me, but her actions prove the opposite time and time again even when I beg for change.

Relevant Comments:

Why did you say those things?

OOP (downvoted): I said those things, because I wanted to hurt her like she has been hurting me. It’s as simple as that. I regret it. I have apologized. She has told me time and time again you shouldn’t care, and I told her whatever I thought I could to hurt her. It was childish and immature of me, and it was a knee jerk reaction. I hadn’t planned on saying any of that.

Commenter: Yeah I can understand why you're angry. Has she explained why she has been saying those things? Resentment is a weird thing, she may not have even realised she had that until she became pregnant but I do think that if that was something she'd been feeling that its something she should have spoken to either you or your therapist about.

OOP: Nothing! I’ve begged her to talk to me about it. I’ve told her we can go to counseling together- and guess what her response was? She cried and asked if I was unhappy in our marriage. I said no, I want to be more involved with you and this pregnancy. You’ve left me in the dark. I asked if she was unhappy? Did she want a divorce? Decide she doesn’t want this baby? More tears, seemed genuinely hurt I would even think that. Makes no sense in my mind, apparently I should just stand on the sidelines.

Commenter: Is it possible she's resentful of your 5 year old? What's your relationship with Leah's mother like?

OOP: I truly don’t think she is resentful. She adores my 5 year old and I think she is probably the preferred parent. She takes her to the park, museums, mommy and me painting, shows up to school events (muffins with mom, etc) without fail, takes care of her when she’s sick, plans our vacations out around my 5 year olds interests.Her cousin had said something about not bringing her stepdaughter before, and my wife completely freaked and said that we don’t use titles around here that make us feel like we aren’t one family. “She is my daughter and nothing less and will not be excluded” type thing. When she was first pregnant we took a short trip to see some of her family and she cried everyday about missing Leah.
She is in therapy and has been since we met for anxiety and depression, but it is clearly no help. I have brought up prenatal depression at her doctors appointment, but she really doesn’t match as she is elated unless I specifically bring up the baby.

Downvoted comment about seeing an attorney because he probably won't be allowed at the birth and they should just get divorced:

It’s definitely a fear in the back of my mind. I know Leah will be devastated. My wife already mentioned wanting her mom in the delivery room since I’ve already seen my kid being born- that it would only serve to embarrass her if I’m in the room this time.

Commenter: You two need couples therapy immediately. You should have started it after her first or second comment - you've known for months things weren't right.

Also, call her OB and explain what's going on. Ask them to make a record of her shift in behavior, and stress that she's never done anything like this before getting pregnant

OOP: I should’ve, I stupidly attributed it to horomones and other issues that come with pregnancy. She was sick for most of her pregnancy and for a lot of it actually lost weight, was constantly hungry but couldn’t eat and became very body conscious. She is doing much better now and is a healthy weight, and I genuinely thought it would get better. Its much easier to see in hindsight that the first few comments were deeper than that.

Commenter: Why the fuck did you say all that shit?? She was acting really off (for sure) but you really fucked up. That’s some awful, very possibly unforgivable stuff you just said. And you seemed like such a decent guy.

OOP: I am an idiot. I did fuck up, and I have apologized not that it means much to her at this point. I said whatever I could say to hurt her. It was months of resentment building up. Months of begging for her to tell me what’s going on, to let me in, to let me think of baby names with her. I was and I still am hurt. I hope it can be repaired, as I would like to be there for her and be a full time father to my child-it breaks my heart to think of splitting custody time.

OOP clarifies his relationship with Leah and the aviary event:

OOP: I absolutely did not care that we did not see the aviary. We go to the zoo regularly and I had promised we would go back. When your pregnant wife is so ill she begins crying that her legs don’t work and she can’t walk and begins saying she think she might die due to such strong abdominal cramps- you’re not concerned with missing the aviary. I did not tell my child I did not care. I told my wife in the hospital that her and our unborn childs health became before birds and that Leah can pout and be mad until we were certain she and our baby were okay.
We do everything for Leah. Leah and I have bonding time both with and without my wife. Together we enjoy fishing, going to the arcade, and playing Barbie’s. My daughter is confident in our relationship, just the other day my dad said he didn’t want to play horses with her anymore and she of course said “fine, I know dad will always play with me”. I absolutely have not and never will neglect or abuse my child. This is such a far reach because I was concerned more about my wife than my daughter going to an aviary.
To another commenter: She is 5, and is very smart. She knows that the hospital and ambulance are things people need when they are very sick. She completely understood my wife felt bad, even said I needed to get her tummy medicine so we could keep going.
I didn’t say, we are leaving, cry about it. I did tell her we were following mom and grandpa to the dr because mom was feeling very bad, and that we can come back another day and said when mom feels better we will get her an ice cream since she didn’t get to see the birds. She pouted, all kids do. Did she see that I was more concerned with my wife? Yes! She even commented that grandpa seemed upset. We live in a hot and humid climate and my wife went from red and using a fan to pale white and saying she was cold- it was scary for me.
When you arrive at the hospital and want updates. Are you okay? Is the baby okay? And your wife is miffed that you didn’t take your child to an aviary and that’s all she wants to talk about is that she is pouting- it hurts!

Commenter: And for someone who is a self proclaimed, good husband; why has he not addressed this with his wife before? If she is acting so out of character, and showing odd behaviors, why has he not talked to her about it?

Every “in tune” partner would be scrambling to get to the bottom of this after a few remarks. He just let that shit glide?

OOP: You don’t think I’ve talked to her about this? I am shut down every time. I exploded after begging her to talk to me for the hundredth time. This was not out of nowhere. I have literally gotten on my knees in front of her and asked why she is doing this, if there is a reason, what does her therapist say, do you want to go to therapy together, and she says she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. It is the most frustrating, infuriating thing. It’s so hard to watch something so special pass by you and pretend it’s not happening. I regret what I said, and don’t expect sympathy. But my explosion was not from lack of trying

Update : July 29, 2024 (27 days later)

It’s been about a month since I posted. This is a bit long because so many kind Redditors reached out and gave me advice and shared their experiences and asked for an update.

After I posted and stewed for a little while (and had a couple of drinks) I called my FIL. He and my wife are very close, and I respect his opinion. He has been married for a very long time, and seems to have a happy marriage and has good relationships all around with his family. I didn’t specify what issues we were having, but he was over at my house while I was staying in an Airbnb, so it was no secret we were having problems. He has more of a traditional marriage- and at some point asked what I had to lose by putting pressure on her to talk. I said I feared I would push her away more, and he pretty much told me that I was living in a separate house than my pregnant wife, freaking out about a potential divorce- what did I have to lose? He advised me to “be a man” and come back to my house and lay it on the line.

I told him I’d be coming over the next day. They asked if they could take Leah to buy some sparklers for the upcoming holiday and spend the night at their house. I agreed, and when I went to my house the next day I came in with flowers and stuff to make dinner. My wife asked what I was doing there, to which I replied I lived there and would like to sit down and talk. I gave a long apology for my actions and words. When I finished, I said it was her turn to tell me what was going on. She tried to claim nothing, that everything was okay. After awhile, I said my heart is broken, that we have been through some tough things together, fought for each other, and now you sit here and lie to my face. We both sat there and she cried for about 30 minutes until eventually she said she felt like our relationship would end if she was honest. I said I would hear her out, no matter what.

She admitted it was hard that this would be her first kid and not mine. She didn’t think it would bother her and it didn’t until she was pregnant and that she laid in bed at night thinking if my ex would have wanted to raise Leah we would still be a family together and she wouldn’t matter. She expressed that seeing me emotional about our baby, or wanting to touch her bump, or treat her made her think of me and my ex and how I had already did all of the things she was excited to do with me.

Near the beginning of her pregnancy, she had told a close friend that she couldn’t wait to have a baby with her soulmate- and her friend replied that she didn’t think soulmates had other children or “baby mamas” that it was two people meant only for each other. She was very upset and asked if I thought we were soulmates like she did. She described herself and our unborn child as my “sloppy seconds” family- that no one grew up dreaming of having kids by multiple different people. That she was just the substitute when the family I wanted didn’t work out. She also shared she had found some old images of my ex on social media, and could not stop comparing her pregnant body.

She feared the baby wouldn’t be an equal to Leah in my eyes. It worried her when I would ask what she thought the baby would be like that what if the baby was disabled, or didn’t like to do the things we enjoyed as a family, or the baby and L didn’t like each other? She said at one point she found herself wishing I had never had Leah, so she wouldn’t have to worry as much, and that is when she knew she had to really put in the extra effort to maintain a relationship with Leah. She feared that between work and Leah, I wouldn’t have time and wouldn’t bond with the baby like in the articles she read online where fathers didn’t bond with their children until they were able to do things with the family.

When I did try and bond with the baby, she worried the baby wouldn’t live up to Leah. I have never been shy about saying how much being a father means to me, and how raising Leah has been the highlight of my life (along with marrying my wife, and now having our child together). She said it was initially what made her confident in marrying me, and excited to have a big family with me- but now constantly wondered if her pregnancy and this baby would be a highlight or a burden for me, because the stress is the same but the newness wasn’t, and then what if a newborn and then toddler wouldn’t be as interesting to me as Leah who is capable of doing activities? She showed me a million articles of different men explaining they didn’t bond with their children until 4+ years old. She also showed me the videos where people say things they did with their first kid, and then get more relaxed as they have more children. She said it freaked her out because it was clear people stopped caring the more children they had.

She said that there were times she felt she was ruining our family and coming between me and Leah. For example, at the zoo she said she cried on the way to the hospital. She was afraid Leah would hate her and resent the baby for cutting our zoo time short, and that I would be upset that I was spending my time off work at the hospital instead of doing the activities we planned with Leah. While I work, Leah and my wife spend a lot of time out of the house (library, local parks, etc). One of their favorite activities is biking together, and we bike together on weekends as well. We have lots of local trails, but due to her pregnancy she has not been able to. We’ve been doing more indoor activities.

My wife said that when I’m at work, Leah kept saying she hated her because she didn’t get to go on her new bike as often anymore. I said I would discuss it with her, because that is unacceptable. My wife asked me not to since there would be so many changes soon for Leah, and it hurt her because she missed biking together as well. A couple of months ago, my wife asked me and Leah if we wanted to read stories together. Leah chose the first story I read, and my wife chose the second (her favorite childhood story) for me to read to the baby (and Leah) since it helps promote brain activity and help with bonding. After that, I read another book of Leah's choosing. While I was at work the next day, Leah ripped the pages out of the book my wife chose. She said she was going to tell me, but her friend (same friend who says we aren’t soulmates) said I would think she was making it up and that it seemed to her she was trying to become between me and Leah.

I asked her why she didn’t tell me any of this, and she explained that she didn’t feel comfortable telling me because her thoughts didn’t even make sense to her- she wanted me to spend time with Leah so she didn’t feel left out or jealous,and when I did she felt upset I wasn’t spending more time with her. She loves Leah but wishes we had our first kid together. She wants me around but also feels upset and guilty when I give her/ our unborn baby attention. She said she feared that I would think she was trying to come between me and Leah, when she wasn’t. By the time I realized something was truly wrong and started to ask what was wrong, if she needed therapy, etc she said she realized she was acting poorly, but didn’t want to admit to herself that she missed out on a lot with me and doubled down as it was hard to face that she made her fears reality by pushing me away and not letting me care- and that she couldn’t “start over”, that her first pregnancy was a somewhat bad experience because of her own actions.

At this point, I realized how terrible I had been. I apologized for making her feel like she couldn’t come to me about anything. She said when she “researched” her feelings she found a bunch of forums were people were calling the poster evil for their feelings about their stepchild, and feared I would feel the same. She said if I had told her I felt about Leah the way she felt about Leah, that it would make her angry and upset, so she couldn’t see how I wouldn’t be. We both cried for a long time. I tried to reassure her. I told her how much I loved her, how excited I was, that she was the family of my choosing and my soulmate- that the universe knew that Leah and I needed her which is why circumstances allowed us to be a family. She apologized for the way she treated me, and said she wanted to make it right. She said she had wanted to apologize when I was beginning to have my meltdown, but was surprised when I yelled, and realized she mightve messed up beyond repair to get that reaction from me.

We continued to cry for a long long time, and she asked if I wanted to feel the baby. Of course I said yes, and we cried even more. It turned out to be a great evening, I made us dinner and we laughed about how I was so stressed I went to Reddit for advice. She wanted to read the post and cried again when she did. I reassured her we could move past this, and she said she felt less horrible as she read some of the comments from women in her shoes. It was a bit awkward the first week, after so many months of tension. I knew things were turning around when she woke me up by whispering “baby wants blueberry pancakes” that Saturday. I don’t think I’ve ever prepared pancakes so fast, I couldnt keep the smile off my face.

We ended up going to a pool party a few days later, and she let my choose her swimsuit- a big deal for someone who only wore baggy clothes around me. We took family pictures, and the universe is clearly on my side because on the way home she asked me to feel her belly and our baby was hiccuping- something I had never felt before and it was a first we could share together. She has even let me help her when she is sick without making an excuse about Leah. I’ve learned that when she comes and puts her back to me and lifts her arm that is my cue to lift her belly up. I now spend a lot of time rubbing and talking to her belly- and rubbing her feet, legs, back, shoulders, hips, haha- she is sore everywhere at this point. The first 500 times it made me cry, it has been such a relief to be involved. I never thought being tasked with acquiring the most random food items at 2am would be a great time for me, but it is. It still sucks that I missed out on a lot. I think it sucks for her too. She gets emotional and says a weight has been lifted off of her and things are so much easier, and she is upset that she didn’t talk to me sooner.

I have been working to fix some of my wife’s guilt. I realized there was a lot of simple fixes. For example, I was able to go to my local bike shop and get a pull behind trailer. Now, I pull her in that and she can use a small fan and ice packs, and Leah can ride her bike. I have taken off work so I can spend more time with them both. We are all in therapy and thankfully Leah's therapist is continuing to say she is securely attached to both of us, enjoys the time we spend together, is coping very well (some of her behavior was do to another situation, which we have resolved), and she is excited to be a big sister. My wife was terrified that maybe she could sense her attitude shift, but her therapist says that she only has one complaint about my wife- that she forgot her candy one time and then it took 32 whole minutes for the store to deliver it. My wife is in therapy working to overcome the negative feelings she has.

That is pretty much were we are now. We are getting very close to baby time and working hard to finish preparing. My wife still needs reassurance. There are a lot of times she brings up my ex and I’ve found bringing up our firsts helps. For example, she will ask about certain things and how it was for me. I’ll say I don’t want to talk about that, and steer the conversation to us. Do you remember our first house? First vacation? First kiss? Date? Remember that time blah blah? It made me fall more in love with you. Do you remember when you and Leah made me blah? That is still one of my prized possessions.

It upsets me that my wife suffered for so long. I believe saying it out loud took a lot of power away from her feelings. I think most people know how badly it feels when you have thoughts that don’t feel like your own when you’re going through a mentally taxing time. I really should’ve stood up for our relationship and her mental health way sooner. I accepted her brushing me off for far too long when I should’ve realized she needed help. I appreciate everyone who reached out or offered advice. I posted this in detail with my wife’s permission- she hopes that it helps someone out there struggling with the same feelings she felt.

TL;DR: My wife was facing insecurity and some mental health issues and did not feel she could reach out to me as they involved my bio daughter. Thankfully, l received great advice from my FIL and you all, and we spoke about it and worked it out. After some awkward times, things are somewhat back to normal and I am able to be involved in my wife’s pregnancy. Everyone, including Leah, is doing well and excited for the baby to arrive.

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: I wonder, how is your wife moving forward regarding her "friend" seems she didn't even consider having these insecurities before she had a snake in her ear.

OOP: We have disinvited this friend from our home. It’s hard to cut her out as she is part of my wife’s larger friend group. My wife was unsure as this friend has went through some hard things lately. However, recently my wife hosted a girls night and her friends were arriving as I was leaving. I told her she looked beautiful and wished them a good time. When I arrived back, my wife told me this “friend” said in front of the whole group that I may be saying kind things to her now but after some changes after birth I won’t describe here, I will be after her. My wife said that was an unkind and untrue thing to say, and she said it was a joke.
I made it very clear to my wife that I did not want her around, as we are in an emotionally vulnerable time and this person clearly does not wish us well, and she agreed.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded

1 update - Long

- 1st June 2024

- 5th June 2024

I made a dumb joke about my BF aitah?

So I need the opinion of people not attached to me or him but my bf got mad at me Sunday and he's been ignoring me since so I feel like maybe I am TAH

So I am F35 and he is M35 and we've known each other 10 years and dated 2. He knows how much I like writing books. I self published a kids book last month and he's been really quiet about it. This past weekend at my family cookout my father mentioned the book and how proud he is of me but BF walked inside saying he was grabbing our drinks. At the end of the day my parents offered me some money to go to a book convention and BF audibly scoffed.

On the way home I asked what his deal was and he said that his job (he's a backend software engineer) will provide for us and he will let me me have my fun as a creative for now but I eventually have to grow up. I laughed because I assumed he was joking.

He of course was upset and told me my "meaningless" book was objectively illustrated poetry. I shut down and he then was upset I was "acting mad" so I changed the subject. He continued to make my book a topic by jokingly saying my "glorified illustrated poetry" shows my "middle child syndrome" or that I must crave "mediocre attention" from people. I shrugged and replied "Hey if you think you're mediocre ok..." And moved on.

He texted me the next morning saying I tore him down and was being a bully Nad he was kidding with me and he hasn't at all responded to me since. I am away on a planned work trip and now I am overthinking it maybe - aitah?

Comments

Craptastic_Life

Why does he think it’s okay to “jokingly” tear you down? He sounds VERY immature and unsupportive. Is this someone you really want to hitch your wagon to?

Dry_Sandwich_860

He's 35?

He clearly doesn't want you to succeed with books. You need to ask yourself why that is.

He sounds a lot like men I work with. They think they're God's gift because they deal with engineering/physics/computing. They all have girlfriends and wives who are not paid much and who are dependent on them. Based on the way these men talk, I have the following possibilities for you.

Is it that your boyfriend:

• Doesn't want to share the spotlight?

• Doesn't want you to be financially successful?

• Resents that his work is not fun and yours is?

• Doesn't want you to spend time on a career because he thinks you should be at home catering to him?

His comments were rude and unnecessary. I generally try not to tell people to break up because a short post here can't represent the complexity of the average relationship, but from what you've said, I'm tempted. This is a big deal and you need to be very emphatic and insistent on resolving it.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update You can't just break up with me - 5 days later

Edit to say i am calling him Chris here.

Hey yall on mobile but had to posy this because what a time to be alive I broke up with Chris a few hours ago boooooy howdy.

He had ignored me for a full day and I hadn't reached out to him because I was honestly fed up with his attitude. We've been together for 2 years and I never have seen him act this way.

I flip-flopped between maybe he was having a bad day or something was going on and he transferred his negative energy in my book but no, he's just soggy moldy baby carrot that didn't think I had dreams of my own or I would throw it away for him. Our mutual friends have told me that he had basically told them that I rubbed my success in his face and made him feel like a simp just following his GF around being ignored when he has a successful business and has the higher paying job.

He texted the day after his silent treatment that my not reaching out to him was a sign that I don't love him and went on to say that I love my book more than I love him because I neglected him while working on it, and then I didn't praise him at the party as my biggest supporter. The rest of his PARAGRAPHS long text went on to talk about that he had this whole plan that he would marry me and we would be engaged this year but "Then you started not listening to me to drop things an dfpcus on us, our lives and the future" by taking up hobbies and that my therapist poisoned me against him (I was diagnosed with depression this year and therapy has helped a lot).

It hurt because I felt immediately like all I do was just rubbish to him. How the fuck can you say that? I loved him so much because he was someone I thought I would be with forever. Guess not.

I got angry and was texting him to ask "What's makes you think I don't love you? I'd do anything for you." And just as I hit send his new message popped up and it said "You wrote your book and you got your party. I assume now that I can finally have my GF back, we can have a talk. I don't think you understand how I want our marriage to be so I want to make things clear."

But then he responded to my message "Are you kidding me? If you're not going to priotize me over a book no one but you cares about, why am I even staying with you. I can go find a woman supports her man and wants his career and dreams to be successful."

So I said "Alright. Go find her. We clearly dont work. Best of luck."

Him "wait are you breaking up with me?" Me "What do you want me to do you've made it clear I am not what you want anymore." Him "you can't just break up with me." Me "Chris - please." Him "you can't just make that decision for me. You can break us up like this. It's been 2 years" Me "2 years in which one thing I wanted to do one thing I was proud to have done and you needed to shit on it. You've been so sour about it and I don't get it. So get your better woman." Him "but you can't just break up with me. We have to talk." He calls. I decline. Him "Pick up. You are being ridiculous."

He shows up at my door and the second I opened it trying to push in but I hadn't let the chain lock on. He was screaming at me. He said I cant break up with him. It's been 2 years. How do I think it will go for me to try dating again after passing the expiration date for children.

That's when I asked him to leave or I would call the police. And he said he will never forgive me for this book as it's ruined me as a person and for some reasons I said "Chris take your mediocre stick out of you mediocre ass and be on your mediocre way." And called my parents to tell them what happened.

My mom is over now plying me with a mixed drink and she's been making fun of the repeated "you can't break upnwith me" line as he said many times in text and bunch in person. She said she was proud because I am usually quite passive and she didn't like him bulldozing over me and when I asked her what she meant she brought up a lot of things I never really thought about - Chris would shoot me down a lot and I honestly thought I was compromising for our relationship but it seeme to some that I was just letting him speak for me a lot.

2 years. It feels like a blip and a lifetime at the same time. It's hitting me that it's over and my mom is staying over with me. But I have many WTFs to deal with just not tonight.

Edit/small update: Holy hell this blew up...I am usually a reddit lurker on anonymous mode so I was overwhelmed in the best way to see all this live and support- it made me cry. Good years I promise. I cried most of my bitter ones a bit last night on my mom's shoulder. She was right, I don't miss him but the version of him I thought he was. And so I choose to look forward.

mom and I stayed up and read comments together. She's not a reddit gal but loved all your messages and says she's happy to be the reddit mom lol

Mom made breakfast this morning and we were eating when the there was knock at the door. My mom held a hand up to halt me and got up herself to go to the door and ask who it was. Then I heard her say "You have 15 seconds to leave or you're going to be made to leave." I got up to see mom shouting though the still locked door peeking through my peephole. There was someone on the other side talking back to her but she just kept steadily counting down. By the time she got to 6, she had put her shoes on and was holding my broom. I'm not stupid, I knew it was him even then but then my phone went off and I didn't reply. It was him again.

He left flowers and an apology card, along with a stuffed owlbear. Mom asked me if I wanted to read the card and I said I did. It basically was a long winded apology admitting he was being an ass but work has him stressed and he underappreciated in general and it all came out in a nasty way. He's so sorry. He should have given me space and respected me more and he will never do it again. He didn't sleep last night feeling so much regret over what he did and will do better. To please call. That he misses me and Mets not throw away 2 good years of foundation away over a stupid fight. I handed it to my mother who read it, snorting and chuckling "yeah I bet" to herself and then stood up and went to the kitchen returning with a trash bag and my cellphone. "What's the play, Coach?" She asked and just to freak her out I took the phone and pretend to call the pizza shop "yes domino's, we need a pizza, yes, I breaking up with my ex and we need to toss his shit out"

All that to say it's now evening. The sun is lower and my neighbors are watching my house as I am in my parents pool in their backyard drinking margaritas with my sister and brother. Mom tells the story to all of them over and over. I had texted him.

"Chris, we are done. All of the things you left at my place are in garbage bags on the porch. The neighbors have there camera pointed at the house so please just take your stuff and go. Don't knock. I am not in. If it's all there on Monday, it goes with the rest of the garbage to the curb."

He replied asking if not home, where was I but I won't be giving energy to this. I will spend the weekend with my family and I fewl so lucky to have them. I've decided that I will go for another book.

Foe those asking for links to this book already out, sorry, but when mom and I read the comments she said "don't you dare put your name out there. They all seem lovely, but you don't know what others will do" and I feel like if I did, it would be like opening the door to Chris like I did last night. You were right, that was dangerous. But if you are looking to do something nice, I would be absolutely overjoyed if you did one or both of 2 things - 1) Love yourself and truly know you deserve love and nothing less and 2) buy books from a locally owned bookstore/buy art from the artist/commission an art peice etc. The art world is wonderful but also a struggle and many aren't as lucky as I am to have a strong support system. So support yourself and your local artist. Thank you all. ✨️

Another edit: sorry there were a lot of same questions in the comments.

1. Yes, we were an interracial couple, I am black/indigenous/middle eastern. And he is Irish and French decent.

2. No, I do not want children. The moment I an eligible I will be getting that baby store shut down medically. I would adopt possibly someday but I would not and should not be pregnant.

3. Chris and I were friends before we started dating so I thought i knew him and his family well.

4. Mom has always been cordial with him even if she didn't care for him. She did the whole Mama thing of hugging him, feeding him etc.

5. Yes mom will adopt you, she says she sends her heart to you and every hug you deserve and more

6. Dad didn't come over because and I quote "You wouldn't have wanted me in a space that boy would also be in given what happened" so he stayed the course of his trip he wa on.

7. I intend to be an author whether it be full-time or part time. Oddly enough my book sales are skyrocketing a lot online.

Comments

AmethystSapper

I love your mom.....oh honey your ex boyfriend just called to tell us about the break up... I am so proud of you .. here let's have another drink....

OOP: Lmao that was honestly kinda the vibe. I was so upset and called my parents because I tell them everything. My mom was just like "lock the doors and I will be there in 20 mins" and showed up with vodka and let me cry but then I caught her smiling and was like WTF MOM and she admitted she was proud of me for dumping him...and glad she didn't have to go to jail because if I stayed with him after all that she would have to commit crimes lol

foldinthechhese

Your mom is a badass. From now on, you know that if she doesn’t like your partner, you really need to question that relationship. I’m happy you found your voice and used it. Dude was a total douchebag.

OOP: you know that if she doesn’t like your partner, you really need to question that relationship.

She's being so freaking smug after she reminded me that once she did speak up to me once I got mad at her. She's quoting a line from that animated Jackie Chan show "NEVER QUESTION UNCLEEEEEE" at me lmao

foldinthechhese

The fact that she’s teasing you and you’re laughing means that everything is going to be alright. She has me smiling and chuckling a bit. Tell her she has an internet fan and that I think she kicks ass.

Dear-Masterpiece-2

So what I’ve gathered is he’s a narcissist and can’t fathom the thought of you having anything going on that’s not focused on him. Literally “me me me and me and what I want. Me again and because you won’t conform to a submissive wife focused on me”. What a loser.

OOP: It's weird because he never hinted that I can recall that he was ever like this. We've got years if history, and I remember him being interested in things I liked and wanted to get involved in. Then my mom reminded me of my painting.

I'm not a painter. Mom is. And a charity held a gallery event and the theme was something basic and I was visiting mom that week and when I'm at hers and she's painting I sit with her and drink and we chat. But that day I was in a mood so mom struck up an easel next to hers and patted the seat and we painted side by side. She loved my peice and had it submitted for the gallery event. It was a huge event and mom had a seperate exhibit space but my little basic painting was up in entry way with a handful of others and mom pointed it out to Chris and he said it was good and we moved on but at the end of the night mom followed us out and suggested Chris and I might want to take a photo of us next to my painting. He said no so mom took a photo of me for me and shared it with herself. Chris asked me not to the post the photo saying it was a cry for attention and looked desperate and I was taking away from mom's shine so when my mom posted it he was mad at me. Why did I give my mom the photo? Why did she post it. But he suspiciously shared a photo mom took of him at the same gallery even shaking hands with a businessman we ran into stating how proud she was of his work.

The more I talk with my mom even now, the more she seemed to pick up on things I feel bad but when I asked why she never said anything before she said she had but I had gotten angry at her. I had. I can't even remember why.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember to be civil in the comments

Full Thread

Context

is one of several subreddits for the 2010 Bethesda game, Fallout: New Vegas. The game takes place in the Mojave Desert, around the area that was known as Las Vegas, about 200 years after nuclear annihilation. The central conflict for the game is a power struggle for the area and the Hoover Dam between the New California Republic, a large but bloated and bureaucratic government controlling most of California and parts of Nevada, and Caesar's Legion, a large army of various raider tribes united under a man who styles himself as a Roman Emperor and controls most of the area east of the Colorado River. Importantly for the post, much like the actual Roman Empire, Caesar's Legion widely practices slavery and rules with other proto-fascist tendencies. The ending of the story/fate of the Mojave varies depending on who you side with during the game (there's other factions and endings that can happen also, but I'm not making this post 75% context).

Drama

A meme posted to is genuinely surprised that some people on the subreddit think that Caesar's Legion taking over the Mojave Desert is a "good" ending for the game.

While most replies are humorous and some arguments, there's a few folks asking the brave question "what's so bad about slavery, anyway?"

, [slavery] worked for a long time.

Slavery is actually linked to major stagnation, so while in the immediate future it might be economically good, the society will collapse due to aforementioned stagnation. Also people in general just not liking being enslaved/benefiting from it. Thats why most "developed" countries general populace were increasingly anti-slavery during the 1800s. Also like the real roman empire, it would fall due to not being gay enough. Rome fell because they became less gay, The legion will suffer the same fate.

Sooo you saying they stopped it in the 1800s thats like minimum 1700 years where slavery worked. Btw. Workin ≠ being good/ efficient

But wtf Rome is going dow bc they not gay enough comment of the day.

How tf do i quote smth on the Ios app?

No I don't know what they were trying to say there either.

it's role play, I like legion because of zero bandits and monsters in their territory, if only not the slave thing they would be a decent option that's why I help them in every new playthrough but in the end choose Mr. Hause or yes men

Plus. fuck ncr, corrupt and incompetent idiots not thinking about people of vegas, only about resources. they like to solve problem with killing rather that negotiation. legion at least not hiding what it really is, like ncr that want to be seen as saviour

"the NCR solves their problems only with violence, and that's why Im picking the pro crucifixion people"

Real recognize real, I don't like fake ppl and ncr is full of them

"real recognizes real" talking about genocidal slavers

Fellas does it make you a soyboy to not be cool with slavery?

Okay then. And roleplaying wise my courier finds rape, child rape and slavery to be fucking disgusting so they shoot the Legionaries on sight. Happy? Oooft, suddenly I'm not allowed to roleplay...

I don’t support the legion but name one time where any canon legionnaire commits rape or pedophillia.

Er, pal? Did you play the fucking game? Obviously there isn't going to be an on-screen rape scene especially one of a fucking child.

But we DO know the Legion rapes women and we do know from their sex slave that they've raped children, according to Siri.

Now it's up to you to prove they DIDN'T do it.

This one's just shitposting but I laughed.

The explosive slave collars, probably.

There's a lot of other looooooong comment threads doing more "in universe" arguments but there's paragraphs there and I'm not dealing with formatting all that. There's also a good amount of lore in most of these if you've never played the game before.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 1st August 2024

- 3rd August 2024

- 3rd August 2024

AITA for being angry at my mom for hiding my brace to prove a point?

I am sometimes running “late” (leaving at 6:00 instead of 5:45, which gives me time for coffee) I used to have a work start time of 8am but recently due to staffing issues I start work at 6:30am. I’ve also been sleeping poorly because my injured wrist keeps me up. It’s a very bad sprain that hasn’t healed yet, I go for imaging this coming Monday to see if I tore anything.

So the last couple days I’ve been out the door “late” by my standards and then twice I’ve needed to run back to the apartment for something, like a snack or my coffee. But I have never been late to work, because I buffer for traffic.

This morning I tried finding my brace but it wasn’t where I left it. I halfway looked for it while I got ready, then spent half an hour solely searching for it, only to finally have to give up because I needed to leave as it was 6:00.

I asked Dad while I was looking and he said “how should I know where you put your brace?” and I said I know but it’s not where I put it. He rolled his eyes at me and joked about it growing legs. Later when I got to work I texted my mom and she said “if you gotten up earlier you would have had time to find your brace”

I explained again it hadn’t been where I put it (kitchen table, we don’t use it as a dining table) and she said that people move things on the table all the time, I should be more conscientious of my time so I can look elsewhere. I asked point blank “did you move it?” Her: “You left it in the way. I put it on my bathroom sink.” Her: “In my house I can move whatever I want” I asked why she did it and if she knows how much it hurts me but she still hasn’t answered.

I’m pissed. I’m in pain, I had to drive in (carefully) with my wrist still too tender to move, I can’t even move two of my fingers, and typing is going to be brutal all day. I did use an ace bandage but it isn’t ideal as it doesn’t provide support like I need. All because my mom wanted to make a fucking scene about my ability to get out the door in time. There’s no way it was in her way because if so she should have moved other stuff on the table.

Comments

Sea-Ad9057

maybe its time to move out i mean she is willing to make you suffer to prove a point thats not ok ... who does that also it could cause long term damage

CaptainLollygag

It's the same as someone hiding your glasses, or crutches, or wheelchair, or prosthetics. These things are never okay!!

SubstantialPressure3

Your mother gaslit you, made you late, and hid your medical device. Of course you should be mad.

NTA

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 2 days later

I meant to do this that same night but fell asleep earlier than I expected and was at work all day yesterday and didn't have the chance to really put effort in this post. Oops. Then I tried posting it last night and Reddit was glitching out on me.

Thursday I texted dad screenshots of my talk with mom where she admitted to moving my brace. He didn’t respond for a while except to say “we’ll talk at home” after a few hours and “you’re not in trouble” to reassure me.

My lovely work schedule meant that by the time I got home, it was around 9. By then mom and dad had apparently already talked a lot, Dad immediately apologized to me and gave me my brace back and asked if I needed ice or Tylenol. He apologized for what mom did but also for how dismissive he was of me that morning, even if I had lost it due to my own actions it didn’t help me the way he acted and it was mean and disrespectful. Mom apologized to me but it didn’t feel like she meant it at all, and I felt like she was holding back a lecture. I haven’t really talked to her and she sure as shit hasn’t spoken to me since then so things are really tense to say the least. Dad is also pissed at her, he’s even been sleeping on the couch and he hates doing that. I made him a heating pack yesterday morning before I left for work for his hip because the couch always hurts him.

So yeah. That’s it. I’m looking for a place, my friend and her fiance have offered me a couch to crash on if I need to get out immediately, which was nice of them. They are basically my emergency out. I’d only be staying a few days, I’ll make sure of that much. I couldn’t talk to the leasing office yesterday so trying again later today if they’re in and Monday if not, about breaking the lease since I’m on it too. I told my boss the truth why I didn’t have my brace and he was furious on my behalf which was affirming. He even let me have Monday off for my appointment, even though I didn’t put in the time off and I need to give notice normally, and let me leave earlier than expected. He is a dad himself and he said that he would never ever do this to his own kids, so he doesn’t understand my mom at all. He asked if I felt safe and I said yes but I honestly never thought about it and the more I think about how things are here I don’t know if I was entirely honest in the moment. I don’t trust my mom anymore and I feel my skin crawling to be in the same room as her.

Basically I’m in limbo waiting to talk to the office about my lease but there’s a couple apartments on my radar. As a given I've been going over my budget and spending too. My room is practically packed up, all my shit is in my room, piles easy to toss into boxes, and I am gonna get a bunch of boxes from a storage store to put in my car today too. The kind you just need to build them up and fill them and then go. I have my documents and I have for a while in a safe place. Well, not all my stuff is technically in my room. I’m debating taking with me the appliances and furniture I bought for us all, like the coffee machine or microwave, or the ottoman for the loveseat. I know this is an update but let me know if it’d be a dick move to take the coffee machine, microwave and ottoman, if you feel like it. (I don’t really intend on it, in all honesty but I’m pissed enough it sounds like a fun time right now)

Comments

Ginboy5

Take the microwave and your stuff as you will have bigger expenses now that you will be on your own. This also will make mom see what you brought to the place now that she will have to cover the cost to replace

OOP: She’s already going to be upset when I leave, because my portion of the rent and utilities and groceries and other expenses that I pay help a lot. The rent has been going up since we moved in and at one point dad worked two jobs and she was working serious overtime. I feel bad knowing that they would struggle to upkeep the cost here.

bizianka

I'd say it is totally fine to take a coffee machine and microwave, this is something you will need. Regarding bigger piece of furniture, since it is a hustle to transport it, it depends on what you will have at your new place, if there are enough furniture.

OOP: My boss asking me if I felt safe made me reevaluate how I interacted with my mom in ways I still don’t really want to think about.

This isn’t the first time she’s caused me pain to prove a point, physical or emotional, if you count making me go hungry at a dinner party physical pain. And it’s not the first time that it has taken more than a day or two to even talk about it. And I can almost guarantee she will continue to explain herself and paint her actions as reasonable response to what I did, because of the fact she’s the parent and she and dad have been on the lease since the start and I’ve only been on it since I turned 18.

GamerPrincess7

I’m so happy to hear your dad realized his mistake and stood up for you! I can’t ever imagine sabotaging someone I love and risk them making their injury worse and I don’t even have kids. Maybe your dad might be sick enough of your mom to move out with you.

Mini Update from OOP - 11 hours later

So. Not gonna do a full fucking post but yeah. We finally had the talk. I need insight. I genuinely need insight. I feel like I’ve been made to feel insane for thinking I could have expected things I put out in a communal area would not be touched. Dad’s tried a few times to reassure me but I’m just not getting it, or it’s not sinking in. He’s always been the softer disciplinarian. What dad isn’t? He was so indulgent of me alway. Maybe I am selfish and not carrying my weight and maybe dad is hindering me by being so patient.

I’m also drunk at the moment, typing one handed on my phone so sorry for typos

The conversation started out with mom laying into me for not doing enough to be unintrusive. She said when I cook it reeks because I use curry powder or tumeric or cumin. My food is disgusting to her (tofu and tempeh) and I don’t keep my leftovers in my drawer in the fridge, like I do the actual initial product so she has to deal with a Tupperware full of gelatinous tofu in her face when she opens the door. She likened it to congealed semen before dad intervened and said she was going to far. My almond milk keeps finding its way in front of her half and half creamer. When I vacuum I don’t always move the couch and therefore I don’t vacuum as part of my household chores. Like almost the entire time of her listing shit I do to deserve Thursday, dad kept saying she was going too far and she’d backtrack a little but say it was still disrespectful of the household for me to act that way.

Mom said I never fulfiled my promise to go back to school. I pointed out I’m working on it, I’m going to community college a few courses a semester at a time but took a break because work got crazy on me and she said that my rent will have to increase because of I’m not prioritizing it anymore.

When I started crying she said I was being too emotional and told me to go to my room to calm down enough to keep talking like the adult I wanted to pretend to be. I have never felt more belittled, insulted and demeaned, and we have had some awful fights. I don’t know why it hurts so much this time.

If I weren’t drunk I’d drive over to my friend and stay the night, I don’t want to impose on her though by ruining her weekend with my bullshit on top of making her pick me up.

Comments

throwaway911214

What the actual hell? They made you get on the lease at 18. Mommy doesn't get to tell you to do chores and go to your room anymore. They made you a roommate and nothing more. You don't get to tell your roommate what to do.

Your mom can fuck right off with her bullshit.

Sober up tomorrow and get the hell out.

And you know what? Take the goddamn coffee maker, microwave, AND the ottoman. Roommates take their shit when they leave.

Your mom FA, she needs to FO.

Apologize to dad if you feel like you need to, but he knows this is coming, and he knows EXACTLY why and who is to blame. Plot twist, it's not you.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in .

Thanks to for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: stalking; sexual harassment

Mood Spoiler: scary

Original : July 27, 2024

The last few months I've been chatting to a friend more regularly than previous. We've been friends for over a decade and we used to be really close but we slowly drifted apart. I should probably mention we are both men in our 40s. It's been great catching up with him and honestly I really needed a friend so it's just been great. He's got a long term girlfriend and two young children.

A couple of months ago we visited his house for the first time (he recently moved and we weren't speaking much before that, just an occasional comment on Facebook), and me, my 14 year old son and 20 year old daughter spent a few hours honestly just chatting about nothing but in a good way, you know. While we were there I noticed that he kept looking at my daughter out of the corner of his eye. I never really caught him fully looking so I thought nothing of it, especially as he has known my kids for over a decade. I didn't mention it to my daughter as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable if it was nothing.

A couple of months went past and we visited them again. He kept talking to my daughter and not really to me, which is fine but it just seemed odd when my daughter has really bad anxiety and she can't really hold a conversation, and she makes it clear when she's uncomfortable talking. He just seemed to keep looking at her and talking. Even if he was talking to me, he would just look at her.

The final straw was last week. We visited them and we've been having a heatwave so we were all dressed in as minimal as possible. My daughter in a thin pair of skorts and a t shirt, my son in a pair of athletic shorts and a gym top and me in a polo shirt and white chino shorts. Nothing unusual. Just basic summer wear. When we were in conversation he would look at my daughter. When anyone told a joke he would smirk a little or give a small laugh depending, but if my daughter told something mildly funny he would really laugh to the point that even she would look awkward. He kept dropping out of conversation and just staring at her. I think she noticed it as well because she started to lean back in her chair to try to cover herself, even though she was fine. She looked uncomfortable. Then when the sun set she put on a thick jacket and zipped it up.

I don't know if he's just trying to be friendly and he doesn't know how to act or if he's only inviting us round to stare at her and if so then I don't know what to do. Yes, she's 20 but she's still my little girl and this man watched her grow up, it just seems strange. I don't know if I should say something or jut don't go around there again. Either way, I think it's the end of the friendship which is a shame but oh well

Update : July 29, 2024 (2 days later)

Edits at the end of post

Update from my last post. I spoke to my daughter about the whole thing and wanted to know what she thought about it all because I didn't want to say anything if she didn't think it was odd.

She told me that after the first time we saw him again (a few months ago) he had appeared outside her work after she finished her shift and asked if she wanted a lift home instead of getting the bus. She said that since he was a good friend of mine she trusted him and got in his car. On the ride home he repeatedly touched her leg and started talking about how much she's changed since he saw her last (before we all met up) and how much of an adult she looks now. He told her she's growing into her body "like a good girl". My daughter said that she would walk the rest of the way home because she didn't want to put him out too much but he insisted on driving her all the way. She said she kept moving away from him but he was leaning to touch her knees. She said that at a red light not long before the house he gave her his mobile number and texted himself from her phone and told her to call him if she wanted a lift or "anything else". Then when she got home she went to leave the car but he grabbed her arm and asked her where his hug and kiss goodbye was (not a new thing, he gives us all a hug every time) and when she leaned in he held her tight and whispered that she should call him.

In the last few months since then he has repeatedly been sending her explicit texts and images and waiting outside her work asking her if she would like a lift home, even though every time she's said no. She said she didn't want to say anything because she didn't want to upset me as he was the only friend I had. I feel sick thinking about this. This is my daughter. She's 20 but she's still my little girl and I feel like I've put her in danger. I've messaged him asking him to stop contacting my family and I've sent him the screenshots from her phone as reasons why but he is messaging me asking me why when she is an adult and the only sleazy thing he's done is cheat on his girlfriend as my daughter never physically said the words stop, she just ignored him. I'm so angry. At him and myself.

Edit: I'd like to say thanks to everyone for the advice. Also I've been getting a lot of "mom" comments and although I appreciate the sentiment very much, I am her dad. Unfortunately her mum passed away quite a few years ago but I really appreciate that everyone thought I was her mum, it really is the biggest compliment to me, I must be doing something right.

We went and spoke to our local police and they couldn't really help us as she had willingly gotten into his car. They did say that as we have spoken to him already, they could keep a file open and if it continues then they would be able to take action. Honestly it seems that they don't really care about it at all which is alarming and upsetting.

We sent the screenshots and an explanation to his girlfriend and we've had some missed calls from him but that's not our problem. We've blocked him on everything and have completely removed him from every social media. My daughter has spoken to her work and they have said that until she is able to find another job they will ensure that at least one other member of staff will wait with her for the bus and I will be meeting her at the first stop in our town to take her directly home on days I'm not working and on days I am, then her grandparents will be picking her up. She is safe.

I also had a lot of comments suggesting I get violent with this man. Although I do appreciate that a lot of people would be choosing the other route of "resolving the problem face to face", I'm not like that. I'd like to be. I'd like to say that there's no problem I couldn't solve that way. But that's simply not me. It doesn't make me a bad dad either. I've found another way to solve the problem and make sure my daughter is safe and comfortable.

Thank you all for your help and advice. It's nice to find some support through the Internet some times.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: It's not your fault but you need to have a sit down and talk through the socialization for woman to be "nice" and how to get past that mental block. This is something a lot of us go through, and it puts us in really awful situations. Help her understand that her safety is the most important thing - she doesn't have to be nice or put up with things like this. There's probably some very eloquent people who can speak to this topic on Youtube (it's not me) but I want to make sure she knows she doesn't have to take this shit for the rest of her life, even with the anxiety and desire not to rock any boats.

OOP: I've told her many times growing up that if she doesn't feel comfortable doing something, no matter what it is, then she needs to say that. It doesn't matter if it upsets someone or offends someone. All that matters is that she is safe and comfortable. I'm hoping that she will be like this from now on and I just hope that she knows I'm here for her no matter what. Also there's an update to the post. Thank you for your comment

Get her a weapon:

We're in the UK so she's legally not allowed any weapons, including pepper spray. The only thing she is allowed is an alarm, which she already had anyway. We are looking into some objects which can be carried around legally or discreetly. Currently we are looking into a key ring which is like a long sharpened stick, though there's not many places willing to ship them to us. I'm so very sorry to hear what you have been through and I wish you well throughout your life

I am not The OOP, OOP is

WIBTAH for telling my boyfriend that him being a Trump supporter gives me the “ICK”?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse. Verbal abuse, bigotry, misogyny

  July 24, 2024

Hi y’all. New account because I don’t really want anybody connecting this with me.

I (20F)started dating my boyfriend (21M) about 2ish months ago (We’ve known each other for ~3 years). We weren’t initially interested in dating, but it kinda just happened, and things have been really well except for one thing.

I found out he’s a Trump supporter.

Now before you lecture me in the comments about how I shouldn’t let politics get in the way of my relationship, please hear me out. It’s just been… a couple of things that have REALLY rubbed me the wrong way about him for some reason. For context, I am a Hispanic female immigrant (Fled from a country where, if I can put it in simplest terms WENT TO SHIT) who’s had nothing but BAD experiences with Trump supporters because almost EVERY single time WITHOUT FAIL, they would always say or do something extremely demeaning to myself or my family (Talking about how people like us should be deported without even realizing they are referring to us, saying that people like me are a threat to the country, slutshaming, etc, etc.). I consider myself the kind of person who judges a person’s character based on what they believe in, and time and time again, It’s been proved to me that these types of people are the type I should stay away from.

On the day that Trump got convicted, we started talking politics, and he told me that “He’s not REALLY a felon. The courts were unfair, there was bias, and he should’ve had a fair trial!” (Not exactly verbatim, but that’s pretty much the point he made when I told him that Trump was a Felon now).

When we were watching The Boys (S4), and that one part where an old man was explaining to Newman that “woman can get reject pregnancies”, he agreed with that old man. When I explained to him that that’s not how woman work, he APOLOGIZED to me. But I was still absolutely surprised that he didn’t even understand such a basic thing about women (He has a sister, so it’s not like he grew up without women in his life).

We had a conversation about immigration, and he told me that all immigrants should be immediately deported. I told him that myself and my family are immigrants, and if that meant he wanted US to be deported to which he said “But you guys are legal! I’m talking about the ILLEGAL ones.” I told him that this type of rhetoric makes me feel unsafe, and the conversation kinda just ended there.

When we were having a conversation about the Trump-Epstein relationship, he told me that it was all a “conspiracy” and that Trump isn’t the type of person to do that. I brought up a bunch of examples of Trump being a predator (The “pussy grabber” stuff, heckling a 10 year old, the creepy comments about his daughter, the flight logs), making the point that while being guilty by association isn’t a thing, the other instances of him being a predator make this seem a lot more plausible, he told me that Trump “never did any of that”.

And in a way, that kinda broke the camel’s back for me, because I myself am a victim of sexual assault. And the nasty thought occurred to me that if I ever got assaulted, he probably wouldn’t even believe me. That him standing behind someone I consider a rapist means that he condones Trump’s actions, and by extension, the actions of the man who assaulted me. I don’t know how he, who grew up with women, and has a girlfriend (Who he is FULLY aware of is Hispanic and an immigrant), has LGBTQ+ friends, and states that he loves people like me and his family can even stand behind something like that.

It makes me wonder if there’s a side of him that he hasn’t revealed to me yet because this is a new relationship. And that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I’m asking if I WBTAH for telling him that this gives me the ICK because my own family is telling me that I shouldn’t let politics get in the way of my relationship. That “Trump wants people to fight each other” and that “I shouldn’t let Trump win”. But I really don’t know. Can I get some advice?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CatPesematologist

NTA. He may be speaking out of brainwashed ignorance, but even after offering your perspective he tells you that you’re wrong. If you stay with him you will never stop having to educate this guy and he doesn’t really want to be educated

OOP

Yeah. I can agree with that. Every time I invite him to do his own research he’ll always pull up a pro-Trump article and use it as evidence that I’m wrong, or ask me multiple times where I’m getting my resources until I doubt myself. He’s been asking me to promise that we wouldn’t let our differences in beliefs cause problems in our relation and I feel like I’m being babied a bit. It’s been really stressing me out.

Because aside from that, he’s really nice to me. And a lot of my family is excited about meeting him and his family. Breaking up with him after I just announced I was dating him would cause even more problems for me, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it will probably be for the better.

I think I’m okay with carrying through with it. I’ll talk to him when I see him later. I’m not really excited about it because we go to the same school

  July 29, 2024

Hey y’all. Update here.

I didn’t really expect my last post to blow up or for people to tell me that this is a justifiable reason for ending a relationship, so thank you for not being judgmental.

A lot of people were asking me what country my family came from, so I’ll just say it since I am don’t think that’s identifiable information: it’s Venezuela. If you don’t know what’s happening there, then I envy you.

Also shout out to those ppl who thought this was AI generated. I find it kinda sad that this has pretty much become the state of reddit now. Like if you think something’s AI, just don’t engage with it???? That’s what people who post AI want from you. Don’t let them win.

Now onto the update.

I spent the last couple of days with my dad who was visiting me, and deleting social media and muting a bunch of politics related stuff because I’ve come to realize that regularly listening to people talk about how people like me ruin the country and how we don’t belong here isn’t really good for my mental health. And neither is dating someone who openly admits to supporting that group.

So I talked to (now ex) bf. I went to his room instead of inviting him to mine because I knew that if I let him in my room he would just refuse to leave until he was convinced me convinced me, and I wanted to keep the power of removing myself from the situation at any time (we live in a college dorm).

Firstly, I should say that I admitted to him on the day that I made my first post that him supporting a known rapist is hurtful to me because him tolerating that behavior makes me question if he’s tolerant of the POS who assaulted me, and thus, I see him in a different light, and he sent a very long text message just telling me that it hurt his feelings and that he does care about me being SA’d (I didn’t really understand though, because he votes for a p*say grabber????). It boiled down to: “I feel terrible that you see me as the type of person who’d be okay with rape, because I’m not okay with it.”

I acknowledge that I might have been an AH to say that, so I started that conversation by apologizing to him and then following with me just telling him that I want to end the relationship and going back to being friends (I don’t think I meant the friends part though. You can’t have your cake and EAT IT. I can’t be your friend if you affiliate yourself with a group of people who regularly shit on me).

He tried to convince me to stay by saying that he really loved me and cared about me and respected by opinions. That we shouldn’t let politics get in the way of our relationship. I responded that I can’t change what he believes and that I value a persons beliefs and the group of people they associate with as a method of how I judge their character. I’ve already judged him. I don’t like what I see, and therefore, I’ve lost my feelings for him.

He told me I was making a generalization. I told him that while it is true that I might be making a generalization, we can’t change the fact that in this landscape of politics, many of my rights are in the chopping block, and that I am already starting to resent him for not really feeling listened to when I try to talk about how anxious it’s making me.

He told me that none of that stuff is going to happen, and that our different opinions shouldn’t get in the way of our relationship. That he’s voting for T*ump because he thinks he can fight inflation and cares about military members. I told him that while I can lost a million reasons why that isn’t true, that isn’t relevant to the conversation.

He then said that all his other relationships never consisted of talk about politics and that this was ridiculous. I pretty much told him that he can’t have his cake and eat it. I can’t date someone who associates with people who give me trouble, and that this won’t be sustainable. Ending is better for the both of us.

I realized that this conversation was going nowhere and decided to just leave.

I told him to just give up on it already before leaving. He kept asking me to stay while he thought about what to say but I didn’t. I’m just done.

I don’t really feel sad. I feel so relieved. I’m going to leave social media for awhile and just focus on myself for awhile. I’m going to therapy too.

I’ll stick around to read your comments. Idk how much longer I’ll be able to respond though. If I go radio silent, then just take that as a sign that I am no longer on this app. Have a nice day.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MameDennis1974

NTA. You don’t break up with him because he gives you “the ick”. His support of a racist and homophobic convicted felon does not align with your values.

It’s not a quirky little thing. Like disagreeing on a choice of music or a what team to root for in a game.

Btw, he may claim to have all these diverse friends but I can assure you that they do not consider him their friend with views like this.

Anyone in your family opinion about your relationship does not matter here. They aren’t dating him. You are.

The fact that you point out to him how you are an immigrant too and that doesn’t seem to register at all to him. Honey, he’s in a cult. There’s no saving him

OOP

You pretty much summed up my exact thoughts on why his gay friend doesn’t want to hang out with him anymore. I found out recently that there’s a bit of a rift in their relationship and I didn’t even start thinking about WHY until I learned more about him. Gosh. Everyone’s burning bridges

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for being mad at my parents that they got my older brother a car for his 18th birthday and not on mine, and then causing the whole family to be up in arms about it till they came through?

Originally posted to &

Pisted by

Thanks to for finding the update

TRIGGER WARNING: favoritism, child neglect, verbal abuse

  March 8, 2022

Ok I know the title sounds like I'm spoiled. But hear me out. My brother (20) got a car for his 18th birthday. Not a new car or anything. It was a 20 year old Lexus that was in pretty good shape. And he rubbed it in my face for the rest of the time he was in senior year of high school. Compared with my brother I get just as good of grades as he does. Better in some cases even. I worked my hardest in the hope of fairness. I even did some volunteering cleaning up garbage in my local area. Then my 18th birthday came and went a few weeks ago. And the only thing I wanted, the only thing I was hoping for was a car. I wasn't expecting something like a new car, or a sporty car. Just something reliable like my brother got. The party wasn't anything like my brother's 18th. For his 18th my mom baked the cake herself. It was a delicious layered chocolate pudding cake. I got a sheet cake from the super market. For his they got a DJ. For mine it was my dad's old boombox with a couple of mix CDs. We went through whole party, and I figured my parents might have just been waiting to spring a surprise gift on me. But that didn't happen.

I asked them as things were wrapping up why there was no car when my brother got one. And they said that they felt like he'd worked harder for it. I asked what he did that I didn't do. Because I did all of that and more. My grandma was nearby and heard everything. And then she asked them why as well. She ended up lecturing my parents that she was very very very disappointed in them for showing favoritism. Then she proceeded to announce to everyone still there that my parents thought it fine to get their first born son a car and DJ, but not their second. And then she even pointed out how much harder my parents tried for my brother's 18th birthday than they had for mine. My uncle was the first to stand up and say something. Then everyone else who'd not left yet. I ended up just walking away and going to my room to sit and think.

I got a few I'm sorry calls from relatives. And my grandparents convinced me to go out with them for the evening. But when I got back my parents were pissed, and told me I'd shamed them to the whole family. I just walked past them because I didn't want to fight. The next few weeks went by with the silent treatment between us. But then a few days ago, my parents suddenly surprised me with a white 98 Subaru Legacy that runs great. They practically threw the keys and the title in an envelope at me and said to have fun. I got the car. And they're paying for insurance for the next six months like they did for my brother. I know a car isn't really a right, but a privilege. So I feel like I've essentially blackmailed my parents into getting me one.

AITA for how all this played out?

Edit: I would like to clarify a few things. My parents make pretty good money. And also don't go out of their way to live lavishly by choice. They've always been moderate in everything they buy or do. Though if anything is stretching their finances, it's my brother's college tuition. He got a partial scholarship and my parents are paying the rest. I don't and never intended to ask for the same treatment on that. I want to work and pay my own student loans. Now that I have the car, I'm already looking into getting a part time job.

This also isn't a gender thing as I'm male like my brother. The bill of sale for the car I got says my parents paid $1600 for it. My brother's car cost them about $3000+ if I remember. But I don't see it as a money issue. I actually really love the Subaru. And told my parents so. They did not share my enthusiasm.

I also did try to talk about a car with my parents a few times last year. But they always dodged the conversations about the topic. I figured if I talked about it too much, it'd ruin it. And so I stopped. I would have felt like a brat to keep talking about getting an imaginary car. So I learned to just stay silent and hope.

I can't go stay with my grandparents because they live in a one bedroom condo. There isn't enough room for other people. After all their kids grew up, my grandparents decided to downsize to make their eventual retirement easier. Also my grandparents know all of the details already. And they tell me that I didn't do anything wrong. And were already planning on confronting my parents quietly over the car issue. But they took the chance to take care of the matter when they heard me asking my parents about it.

As for my brother's 18th birthday party, it was held in 2020 during basically the height of the pandemic. Honestly we shouldn't have had a big party like that at the time. But my parents insisted. As for my brother himself, he barely speaks to me, even before he left for college. He didn't show up for my 18th birthday party. And I figured that's just because he's busy with college, and he's not even in the same state as us anymore. Honestly I haven't seen or heard from him since Christmas. And even then the most I got out of him was a mild greeting.

I did thank my parents for the car. Enthusiastically thanked them even. But they've barely said a word to me after giving me the Subaru. And when I thanked my parents, they brushed me off and just went inside. It kind of gave off the vibe that they were letting a brat play with his new toy. Which was pretty upsetting. And one of the reasons I made this post.

Edit 2: There was one more thing I forgot to say. I was really hoping to get the car because I literally couldn't get a part time job without one. We don't live in the city. And we're ten miles from the nearest public bus stop. I've always had to get rides to go anywhere. Now that I have the Subaru, I intend to look for a part time after school job as soon as I can.

Edit 3: Since it came up in so many messages. I want to clarify that when I went to talk to my parents after the party, it wasn't in front of the rest of the family. I intentionally spoke with them in another room and was supposed to be out of earshot of everyone else there. But my grandma eavesdropped and then barged in to start lecturing my parents about their actions. And that's what caused the crap-storm to start.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

  Aug 25, 2022 (5 months later)

Since I couldn't update in , I came here to do it. This is my original post Link I've not logged onto this account in roughly five months. So now I can tell you all the rest of what happened before college starts. But before that, there's some things I wanna get out of the way from previous commenters and messagers. I literally needed a car because there was no way for me to get a job without one. I had no personal transportation, and live over ten miles from the nearest bus stop. So for those who kept telling me to give the car back because they think I was either too spoiled and to accept life is unfair, or that I shouldn't take handouts, or I shouldn't except gifts from crappy parents, etc. Please just stop. My inbox was so crammed full when I logged back on that it took some time to go through it all. It doesn't really matter anyway though. I did get a part time job that later went full time for the summer after I graduated. But three weeks into working part time, the Subaru blew the head gasket while on the highway at like 45 miles an hour. The temp gauge redlined and I had to pull over and call for help. My grandparents took a look at the car and found that someone had ran a lot of gasket sealer in it, and it was still in the coolant. The car was basically bandaided back together before my parents bought it, and was then barely hanging on by a thread. It drove great, and I was never pushing the car hard as I'm kinda a slow driver. My parents claimed no prior knowledge of the problem. But their only real reaction was to shrug and say it was karma for making them get me the car in the first place. Well that was a mistake because my grandparents were right there to witness that, and they tore into my parents like none other. My grandma told me to go wait in my room and let them sort this out.

It was two hours before I was called back into the living room. My parents were on the couch and both looked like they'd both been metaphorically hit by a truck. My uncle and two other relatives were there now too. My grandparents had gotten it out of them that when they bought the car, they just looked for the cheapest thing they could find close in the area that still ran, and bought it no questions asked. They didn't even bother to inspect the car, let alone properly read the ad for it. My uncle who knows a thing or two about cars told me that the engine would basically need to be rebuilt because the head gasket warped the block, and it'd cost more than the car is worth to fix it. I had to call into work and tell them I was unable to make it in because my car was dead. They understood and basically put me on a sort of unpaid leave for the moment. Now I want to point out that what happens next I had no involvement with. My grandparents just told me to chill for a while and let them and my parents take care of this. And they did. A few days later they came back with a 1999 Honda Civic Hatchback with 180.000 miles on it. It was white like my Subaru was, and drives great. It's not all wheel drive like the Subaru was. But it's great on the road and gets better gas mileage. There was also a list of all recent repairs done to the car. Things like a new radiator and stuff. My uncle also went over the car before giving it the ok. I thanked everyone profusely. My parents though had all the elation of Ben Stein on valium. They said very little and just walked away. There wasn't even that vibe they had last time of acting like they were giving a new toy to a brat. If I could put it to words, the way they acted was just pure defeat. The Subaru got resold later for $400 since that was the best we could get for it with the blown head gasket. And that money was put into my savings.

That's only one half of what happened though. You see, when I said I did better in school than my brother, I wasn't kidding. My brother got a 30% scholarship after he finished high school. Well I got a 50% one. Not at the same college of course. But at one comparably good that was also closer. To say my parents were shocked is an understatement. Of course they just both looked unhappy as soon as the shock wore off. I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to poke the bear by asking them about it. But my grandma thought otherwise and poked that bear. And I mean REALLY poked it! First she asked if my parents were happy for me. And they claimed they were. But really didn't show in their attitudes. So my grandparents finally asked what their problem was. Why do they dislike me? Their second son was doing great, and even went above expectations. And they can't be happy about it? Did they want me to fail? Were they hoping I'd fail. What is the deal? My mother looked really upset, and my father couldn't look me in the eyes. They both meekly said they were happy for me. And managed to say they want me to take the world by storm when I go to college. And even said they'll help pay some of my tuition as well, just like they are for my brother. My grandparents both sharply said that they better keep their word, because there should never have been any favoritism, period. I thanked my parents for their help. Got a light if not limp handshake from my father, and a very stiff hug from my mother. It all felt so forced. I was and still am extremely thankful for the car and the tuition. But my parents just drained the room of all emotion.

I ended up asking if my grandparents knew what it was that made my parents act this way. I asked if I was an accidental pregnancy or something. And they gave me the "Its time we told you" look. Well I'm not adopted like so many asked, but I was unplanned. Sort of.... You see, my parents wanted both a girl and a boy. But got two boys instead. My brother came out as a boy, so my parents were really hoping to get a girl on the next go. And they had a prior agreement to stop after two kids. They never got a girl. My grandma told me they refused to find out my gender till after I was born. They were convinced I'd be born female. And they'd bought a lot of baby stuff for a girl. And they didn't get a girl. My grandma said I ended up using all of my brother's hand-me-downs till I was three years old because my parents had bought so much girl stuff in advance that they couldn't use. So I was just a disappointment to them from the time I was born. My grandparents said that they know my parents are screwed up. But they've been the way they are for so long now that there's no point in expecting them to change.

Since then my parents hadn't spoken to me much about college. In fact they ignore the subject as much as they can. And thanks to some of the warnings I got from people who messaged me making me paranoid, I called the college I've been accepted to and made sure to tell them that if anyone calls or emails pretending to be me, or my parents call trying to say I'm not coming, then to call me for a double or even triple check if anything like that happens. I mean, I kind of doubt my parents would do that sort of thing. Especially after everything that's happened. But I felt like playing it safe was the better option. Though there was something that I really didn't expect to happen. And that was my brother calling me. He called me out of the blue to talk. He said our grandparents called and told him everything. He told me he was sorry for what happened in his own way. And he hopes that once I'm on my own, I won't need to ever come back. He actually admitted to me that when he finishes college, he's going to stay in the state he's in because he likes it there. Our parents I do know actually really want him to come back when he gets his degree. But it looks like that's not happening. I said I don't blame him, and I may do the same. The rest of the conversation was a bit awkward because we aren't really used to speaking to each other much anymore.

My grandparents and the rest of the family held a surprise party for me over the weekend. And they made it almost like a repeat of my brother's 18th birthday. There was a DJ, and a big chocolate cake my grandma made. I couldn't thank them all enough. My parents attended the party. But they were like wallflowers the entire time. They didn't say or do much. Just stayed sitting at a far table in the corner and drank beer quietly. The look of defeat they had was even greater now. I think the party wasn't just to congratulate me, but to also rub in my parents' faces that they should have done better. Because the rest of the family have made their disappointment in them clear. They seemed like they wanted to leave the party for a while. Can't say I blame them. They were being humiliated into staying where they were. My grandma said that you're never too old to be taught a lesson in humility.

As for my personal life. My part time job went to full time after high school, and I've been working hard to build my savings before I leave for college. I made minimum wage, but a job is a job. And I wanna leave it with my best effort put in before my two weeks notice are up. I doubt I'm gonna be coming back here to make another update. And after my first post I'm just so tired of all the negative comments. About 95% of the comments on my original post were positive. And I wanna thank all of those who had nice things to say. You people rock. But the negative comments were so bad that I found it to be mentally draining. Some of the people who commented such negativity honestly feel like they've got worse issues than me. Lots of projecting maybe. If anyone had something harsh but constructive to say, that was fine. But some people just raged at me like they were foaming at the mouth. I really don't want more of that.

NEW UPDATE

  July 29, 2024 (2 years later)

I've been away for two years. And I kinda expected I'd be back to post one last time in 2024, because my brother went for a four year bachelor's degree. Much like I currently am. For those who remember my previous posts. I'm the guy who's parents basically got their butts verbally handed to them by the family for bad favoritism towards my older brother. Crap really hit the fan on my 18th birthday because my parents barely put any effort into it, and went all out on my brother's 18th in 2020, during the pandemic. They even managed to get a DJ for the party. And then they presented him with a car.

Well on my 18th, I got no car, or even anything close to a similar party. Even though my academic standing was better than my brother's. I basically worked too hard for my parents approval. And never got it. When I asked them why my brother got a car and not me. They claimed my brother worked harder for it. Which was later confirmed to be not true when I got a bigger scholarship. My grandma happened to be eavesdropping, and laid into my parents. Then she got the rest of the family involved. And for the record, they were planning on getting involved anyway. My grandma just stepped things up right then.

But after several family members laid into them, my parents just to try and save face, bought me a car, but treated me like a brat who was getting a new toy when they gave me the keys. It was a late 90s Subaru that I thought was great. But turned out to have a blown head gasket that had barely been holding together with sealer. My parents treated me like I was a brat for wanting equal treatment. And then when the car went bad, their reaction was to apathetically shrug and call it karma. Which caused my grandparents to start it all over again with them, and caused a family intervention.

I got many people messaging me and asking if having a car was really necessary, and that I basically forced my parents into it. I forced nothing. And it would have happened anyway if I didn't ask my parents why. And I really did need the car. I had no way of having a job without one. My parents live ten miles from the nearest bus stop. I literally had no way of making money before college without a car. And no, I couldn't get rides. No one was available for that on a daily basis. So many people I talked to here tried to dance around my reasoning to inset their own logic. Many of which I felt like were projecting their own problems onto me. And then there was the straight up trolls and jerks. I don't even want to repeat, let alone remember what they all said to me. But a lot of them kept it up after I got the NTA verdict like they had an axe to grind. And it really didn't help my mental state at the time.

As you can imagine, my family laid into my parents all over again in that family intervention. And by the time they were done, they looked like scolded kids sitting there looking at their feet. The Subaru was sold as junk, and my grandparents essentially forced my parents to buy me a better car. A Honda Civic. And my uncle went over the car with a fine-toothed comb before they bought it. And that time my parents didn't even treat me like a brat. And yes, I still have the Honda. And yes, it still runs just fine. I've kept up with oil changes and the like. No accidents either. I've been a careful driver.

The final thing that broke my parents before I left was finding out that I got a better scholarship than my brother. Any excuses they'd previously had to favor my brother so completely were thrown out the window. And were forced to give me words of encouragement I knew they didn't mean. And in wondering why they disliked me so much, I later found out from my grandma why I was treated differently was because my parents had wanted their second child to be a girl.

My grandma ended up admitting even more to me later after I left for college. Before I was born, my parents were so convinced that I'd be a girl, that they bought a bunch of girl stuff without even checking my gender through ultrasound. Well I found out from my grandma about a year ago, that my mother had tried to raise me like a girl for like the first six months of my life. She was putting me in girls' clothes, and calling me by a different name. My father enabled it all. I know it's true because my grandma showed me old family photos of me with my brother when I was an infant, and I was wearing pink in all of them. There was even a visible nametag on some of the of the name my parents wanted for a girl. But once word got out, my parents stopped dressing me as a girl. My grandparents told my mother that trying to raise me as something I wasn't, wasn't even giving me a choice on whether or not I wanted to be that. And though my family is rather oldschool, but my grandparents are surprisingly open-minded people. And they put the hammer down on my parents. So the girl treatment stopped. But instead of new clothes, they gave me my brother's hand-me-downs for years. Till my grandparents noticed that too, and did something about it. Finding out all of this, my grandparents kept my childhood from being far worse than it was. And they never told me until this past couple of years. I am incredibly thankful for them.

My mother apparently struggled to call me by my real name for two years or so. And because my parents didn't get a girl, they refused to connect with me like they did my brother, the boy they'd actually wanted. And when my grandparents heard I wasn't getting anything new like my brother was, they threatened them to petition for guardianship of me. And they had evidence of the various things I described too. My parents couldn't stand for anything that could become a public scandal. So they stopped with the hand-me-downs and pretended to love me for a while. But as I got older, it degenerated into indifference. And then maybe into hate. I'm not sure. Hate means to still care in some way. But indifference is the actual opposite of love. I just know my parents couldn't accept that their favorite son wasn't the best at everything compared to their unwanted son. And since I moved out, they've barely interacted with family. They threw themselves into work. In part because the rest of the family forced them to contribute to my college, like they did my brother's. But also because to them, working was the only thing that gave them a reason to tell everyone to leave them alone. My grandma suspects they've even slept in their cars a few times to avoid coming home.

I only saw my parents at Christmas at my uncle's house for the past couple years. And they barely even spoke to me. Now that I was living my best life away from them. I guess you could say that they'd stopped bothering to act like I was their son. They don't want me anymore after the family humiliation they feel like they'd suffered. Even though they know they brought it on themselves. And they've become workaholics that do little else. My grandmother told me my bedroom is basically exactly how I left it on the day I moved out. My parents have not even gone inside. But they kept my brother's room clean and ready for the day he'd finally come back home after college. Well...that didn't happen. They flew out to see him for his graduation. And had a big celebration with him. I was not invited to go as well. Not that I could afford it. But my grandparents went along. And they gave me the details.

My parents were still convinced my brother would be coming back home. And that's when he awkwardly told them he had already secured a job through an internship he'd done the past year. And he'd found an apartment of his own too. My father became furious, and my mother lost her mind crying and begging him to come home. But he refused. You see, this past two years my brother and I have reconnected a bit. He found my Reddit account, and called me. He wasn't angry, just wanted to talk. He admitted to me that our parents put him through a lot as well. Our mother absolutely smothered him. Especially when I wasn't around. And our father was also quite strict with his expectations. So the fact that I did better than my brother when our parents had invested everything into him just broke them. And now they're extra broken because my brother refused to come home with them.

The way our parents treated my brother is also the reason we stopped connecting as siblings until this past couple of years. He did bully me at times when we were growing up. But that's because being the favorite went to his head. But it was favoritism with strings attached. And when he realized that, he got counseling after moving out. My brother also has a girlfriend he met while in college. And he kept her a secret because he knew our parents wouldn't approve. And they didn't when they found out. Bro blew up at them when my mother referred to his girlfriend that she hadn't even met as a slut. Bro's girlfriend is in nursing school, and a year from graduation herself. And my brother says she's the best. I've never met her. But she sounds wonderful by how he's described her.

My grandma told me my mother went so far as to hire a private investigator to find out who my brother's girlfriend was. And was irritated to know that she was squeaky clean, and from a good family on the same side politically too. But in her mind, she was the reason my brother wasn't coming back. Even though bro made it clear he'd decided that before even meeting his girlfriend.  My father had basically become stoically silent about it from what I heard. But my mother let it slip to my brother that she'd hired a detective, and my brother gave our parents a piece of his mind. And this led to a whole argument about how they gave him everything, and he was ungrateful for not coming back. But he called them out that being the favored child is abuse too. Because they nearly made him like them. It broke my parents to hear that.

My brother told our grandparents, and they staged another family intervention. One I was even involved in through video call. My parents tried to not even pay attention to me. But even bro told them to talk to me. We all told them enough was enough. They have two sons, and they needed to start treating us fairly. Because they let something as idiotic as not being born the gender they wanted to ruin their love for me from day one. (And pardon my language on this next part) My father hit his breaking point and yelled "You want us to admit we f*cked up!? Well yeah! We did! What do you want us to f*cking do?! Time f*cking travel!? We're paying for part of OP's f*cking college too! What more does he f*cking want from us?!".

Things ended very poorly in that intervention. My mother cried that she was sorry to me. But even then I still didn't feel her heart was in it, because she didn't spend much time apologizing to me at all before moving on to my brother through the phone he was video calling from. And she spent a long time crying and apologizing to him. Until he told her to go back and actually apologize to me like she meant it. That's when my father grabbed the phone and shut it off. Then he just sat down and told everyone to leave. The last thing my grandparents said to my parents was that they were so disappointed in them. and maybe losing both sons showed them they should never have favored one.

Right now my parents are not on speaking terms with the rest of the family. My grandma heard a rumor they may be planning to move. But they have a paid off country house, and great careers. I feel like they'd be fools to move. But since my brother isn't going back, and I'm likely not either, I suppose it's not really an issue. I kinda doubt they'd welcome me in if I came to visit after the crap that went down. I am still thankful to them for helping to pay for my college. My student loans were significantly reduced thanks to them. But as parents, I think we can all agree they just didn't do a good job.

TLDR: Parents heavily favored my brother to the point of bankrolling his life and getting him a car. Attempted to cast me aside. Family intervened and forced them to be fair and get me a car too, as well as cover some of my college. My parents only got worse after I left home, and I learned even more crazy crap about how they tried to raise me as a girl from infancy. Then my brother graduated college, and told our parents he was not coming back. Our parents lost it. Mother hired an investigator, made things worse, big family intervention that failed, and now my parents are treating the entire family as being dead to them.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

e

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

5 updates - Long

Replaced L with Larry and J with Janet

- 20th April 2024

- 20th April 2024

- 21st April 2024

- 27th April 2024

- 4th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

1 New Update

- 27th July 2024

Aita for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?

When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call Janet .

At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked Janet .

When Janet got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son.

When I was 16. Janet decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family.

My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house. I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation.

I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile. I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers.

My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile.

I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiancé.

Janet messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly an I'm a pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her.

Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away.

Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Grandparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiancé has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I aita?

Comments

Zestyclose-Sky-1921

NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.

Dry_Sandwich_860

You're allowed to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your father.

Did your fiancé have to deal with being abandoned by your dad? Nope. Your sister was younger than you and may not have felt the loss like you did. You have the right to feel angry and hurt.

Block Janet . This is the woman who pressured your father to leave your town. She had an affair with him that broke up your family. Your father did those things too. Neither one of them has any right to tell you how to react or feel.

Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you.

Tell everyone else that you no longer want to hear about this. They don't get to dictate how you feel. Whenever anyone brings it up, leave the room or put down the phone. Do not tolerate it and people will learn to shut it.

Update - 8 hours later

Thankyou for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board.

I have just spoken to my fiancé and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back.

My fiancé knows my history with my dad and Janet . I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiancé he should be supporting me.

My fiancé who I'll call Larry told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. Larry told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile.

I told Larry I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. Larry admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged Larry to speak to him and hear him out.

Larry told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private). Larry said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. Larry stated I got on the wrong foot with Janet and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship. He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem.

Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. Larry claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless bitch".

After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with Larry trying to contact me but I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone i dont understand what is happening.

Comments

Ladymistery

It's going to be awful for a while don't let them wear you down - because if you do, it'll just get worse. and at least you found out before you married Larry that he is like this. I wish you the best going forward.

Update - 18 hours later

Hi everyone thanks for the comments and letting me sound off on you as I desperately need an outside perspective.

I know a lot of you telling me to cut all contact with my family and leave town. That is not an option for me financially and I would not be able to set up business elsewhere all my money is invested in it and I have only managed to get established recently with steady income relocating is not an option for me. I love my friends and family and don't want to cut everyone off, I love my hometown I grew up here this is my life and I'm not willing to walk away from it.

I didn't expect to write another update this fast but a lot has happened today.

So firstly I agreed to meet my dad to talk and try and get him to back off and leave me alone. I asked my mom to arrange it, just him no one else. I wasn't sure if he would agree to that but within 15 minutes of her calling he was at the door.

I asked my mom to stay and mediate. To summarize the conversation. These are a bit messed up because it's a lot to remember.

Me:

* I asked him to give me space and stop trying to get everyone on his side and let me live my life.

*I told him he stopped being my father when he moved 10 hrs away

*I told him Janet was mean to me and told him about all the horrible things she has said to me over the years.

*I hate how he chose Janet and his new family over me and how he told me he had to prioritise them and how he basically told me I wasn't family

* He was an AH for withholding my college fund and trying to blackmail me and then spending it on his new family

* I hate how I have missed major family events because he attended the events and would make them awkward.

* I don't see his son and daughter as my family and I'm sick of them trying to speak to me and approach me

* he keeps making scenes everytime he sees me and making me look the bad guy

* he keeps inserting himself into my life going to my fiancés family events, going behind my back to talk and sway Larry to his side

* I hate how he cheated on my mom and broke our family up and then listened to Janet who stopped our dates, missed my recitals, reduced contact and was more concerned about his son.

Him

* He loves me and always has he is never going to give up trying to reconnect and he has given me enough space over the years and he is done hearing about my life from 2nd hand knowledge and is not willing to miss any more if it.

* he loves Janet and and can't regret his past because he wouldn't have her or his 2 kids. He wishes he had done it differently and ended his marriage with my mom first.

*his kids are innocent and I shouldn't be taking it out on them they just want to know their big sister

* I was difficult child who was rude and disrespectful to Janet breaking her belongings, calling her names, ruining day outs.

* when Janet got pregnant she was high risk and me coming every week and starting arguments was stressing her out so for her and his sons sake he stopped the weekend visitation. He still spoke to us on the phone and took us out for dinner and days out but just didn't let us sleep over.

* when his son was born he was premature and had health complications which meant him staying in hospital for weeks and frequent hospital admissions. Janet was also going through PPD so he wasn't able to see us as much and had to miss some events when he was taking care of Janet and his son.

* Janet was unable to get a job locally and the opportunity was too good to pass up so they had to move. He pointed out that he came back to town for weekends as much as he could to see us and would always invite us to fly out and spend vacations with him. He phoned everyday but I refused to speak or see him.

* They had flown in for my graduation but I refused to invite him and he lost his temper and refused to give me my college fund. He apologised for this and tried to fix this a few weeks later and give me the money but I refused it. He has not spent the money he still has it and I have only to ask and I can have it. * he had visited me at my college to try and talk to me but I refused to see him.

* He is not going to miss family events

* he makes a scene because he misses me and just wants to talk to me and reconcile but I always end up running way or shouting insults at him and Janet .

* He has been trying for 16years to reconnect but I shut him down at every turn he just wants to be my dad.

* He is old friends with my fiancé dad and he hoped my fiancé could talk some sense into me and open a line of communication.

* he feels I never gave Janet a chance no matter how she tried in the beginning and hoped we could be civil. Janet hates knowing I talk bad about her, am mean to her children and won't speak to him.

He wants:

My dad is in therapy and wants me to join him for family sessions. He wants me to spend time with him 1-1 To stop being rude and mean to his children and spend time with them. Stop trash talking Janet to everyone and actually give her a chance Invite for him and my family to my wedding and to walk me down the aisle.

I want:

Him to stop talking to my friends and getting others to try and talk to me on his behalf Keep Janet away from me completely To be be civil at events or in town providing he does not try and hug me or talk to me.

My mom told him he was being unrealistic with some of the things he wants especially regarding Janet and his other children so we have agreed for now.

I will attend 3 therapy sessions with him when he arranges it. ( my mom thinks I need individual therapy as well) He will stop trying to interfere in my life and relationships He will keep Janet away from me and talk to his kids to give me space. I will be civil to him in public as long as he respects my personal space and does not approach or pressure me.

As for my fiancé - I still haven't spoken to him, he turned up at my moms but she refused to let him in. He keeps blowing up my phone and so does his family and friends telling me to hear him out.

During my conversation with my dad I found out my dad has paid for most of the vendors and services for my upcoming wedding and they have been on speaking terms for quite some time ( longer than I thought). Larry told me his family had paid for these and i believed him. I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him. I'm going to have to speak to him eventually but I don't feel ready.

Comments

stoat___king

"I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him"

I would argue that you HAVE been betrayed by him. If he is going to side against you over something that is only his business through you, then who else would he favour over you? Janet ? Mutual friends? Randos he meets at the bus-stop? I suppose your dad paying for stuff for your coming wedding is neither here nor there since I have very serious doubts it will happen. I am concerned that your dad isnt seeing your side of this at all. I dont see how you could possibly have been more clear. I wonder if he is even capable of seeing your side.

Update - 6 days later

Firstly I'd like to apologise for taking down my posts. I was really upset and felt under lot of pressure and needed space to think without constant messages. Some of you were trying to be helpful and I appreciate that but some of the abusive messages I received was terrible.

I'm updating for those who have asked for an update and were supportive to me. This will be my last post and I wont be posting again.

Firstly the deal with my dad is off the table. He couldn't even manage a week without overstepping my boundaries. So there will be no therapy sessions with him and I will remain no contact.

As you are all aware after speaking to my dad and agreeing a way forward and my conditions.

Keep Janet away from me Tell his kids to back off Don't pressure me or invade my space

It lasted all of 3 days. Everyone seemed happy I had "forgiven" my dad and told me so. My sister was excited I was willing to give him a chance and with some pressure I agreed to have dinner with just her and my dad.

When my sister and I arrived at the restaurant to meet our dad he was not alone. He had invited Janet , my grandparents his son and daughter. He got up and tried to hug me.

I immediately became upset asking why they were there. My dad told me that if we have any hope of repairing our relationship I had to accept Janet and my younger siblings. I told him he just broke our deal and to never contact me again and tried to leave. He refused to let me leave and grabbed hold of me.

When I say all hell broke loose I mean it. I started shouting at them. My Dad, Janet and grandparents tried to gaslight me and convince me to sit down when that didn't work things got very heated and a shouting match started and a lot of unforgivable things were said by my dad and Janet including remarks about my appearance and calling me a psychopath. My half brother walked out of the restaurant and my half sister started to cry.

My sister actually surprised me and defended me, shouting at my dad for ruining things after all this time when I had finally given him a chance. She even slapped Janet . She got me out of there and apologised to me. I think this was the first time she had really seen how Janet was with me and how she treat me. She kept saying she couldn't understand how dad had spent years saying he would do anything to have me back and then would do this when he finally got his chance to rebuild the relationship.

My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him and refused to talk to him. I have also refused to speak to my grandparents. My dad has tried to convince my mom and sister to speak to me but I think he's burned his bridges with them.

The incident from the restaurant has spread and some people seem to be backing off. Like I said what my dad and Janet shouted at me was unforgiveable and they were overheard and this is a small town. Hopefully people will back off and those who won't Im going to have to cut them out.

My sister is very unhappy with my dad and Janet and not speaking to them. She is blaming them for me going no contact again. My sister is not letting them see her kids. I don't know if my sister will reconcile but right now she is furious. My mom is also furious and apparently had a few choice word with my dad and Janet and has promised she will never pressure me again to speak to him.

I am going to go to individual therapy I think I definitely need it. I do feel bad about my half siblings as they havnt done anything wrong and am maybe open to having a distanced kind of relationship with them in the future but I'm not ready yet or if I'll ever be. I did send them a message on Facebook to apologise and tell them they've done nothing wrong.

Lastly to update you all - in regards to my fiancé well I spoke to him yesterday about everything I had been radio silent since walking out on him.

Basically he was pressured by his father to speak to my dad and was fed a sob story of a misunderstood father desperately wanting to be in his daughters life. Larry had become annoyed with me refusing to attend his family events and walking out of his mother's birthday party when I realised my dad and Janet was there as he was getting pressure from his family about me ruining their events.

He just wanted everyone to be happy and get along clearly at my expense.

Larry admitted my dad had paid for some of the vendors for the wedding but he did not know this until after it was already paid. His father had told Larry that him and his mom had paid. My dad had told Larry it was a gift and his way of contributing. Larry admitted my dad had asked him to speak to me on his behalf.

I told Larry he had betrayed my trust and I couldn't see myself marrying someone who does not support me. He broke down crying and apologising to me and promising to never do it again. Larry was heartbroken and begged for a 2nd chance.

To those of you who wanted me to break up with him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are going to try and work through this. Apart from this issue he had been the best partner and I genuinely think that he had been manipulated by his family and my dad. Larry has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.

I'm still living at my moms as I still need some space which I wont have if I move home. We are going to contact our wedding vendors and see what our options are next week. Larry is begging for a postponement rather than cancel it altogether. We may still break up as actions speak louder than words and I need to see if he can rebuild what we had and show me I can trust and depend on him.

Comments

Dachshundmom5

My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him

Have you considered changing your number?

Larry has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.

I'm not sure I understand how you are so strong with your Dad and Janet and not with Larry? His family will not stop. That's clear. So, your kids can never be left alone with them because that's when your Dad will have playdates with them. There will always be the risk of ambush. Is Larry willing to give up his family? Cause what they did is really disturbingly manipulative and deceitful.

OOP: There's no point changing my number when I've done this before he always manages to get it again.

As for Larry - breaking up is not off the table. I'm giving him a chance to show me he means what he says. I always thought I had a decent relationship with Larry'ss family, but clearly not. I'm not asking him to go NC with them thats for him to decide. I'm certainly going to distance myself from them and any further incidents no contact.

As for any future children if we are still together I won't be trusting them with my children at all

Update 4 - aita for not letting my dad in my life after he chose his new family - 7 days later

Hi everyone I did not plan to make another update at all but I'm still getting messages for an update and thought I would let you know the recent developments.

Firstly I have cancelled the wedding I was able to get some partial refunds but have lost some money. Larry begged me not to cancel the wedding but there was no way I could marry him after what he did.

I was set on giving him a 2nd chance and he promised me he would go low contact and stand up to his parents and issue an ultimatum that we would not tolerate any contact with my dad and Janet . Basically he would tell them we would not attend any event or party if they were invited and we would not tolerate any attempt to force contact or relationship with my dad.

He met with them to explain this to them. When he came back from this meeting he was quite irritable with me and appeared to have had a change of heart to summarize it - he was trying to convince me his family only meant well and that he can't go low contact with his family because he loves them and he can't dictate their friendships. He then tried to convince me it won't be an issue in the future and his father would speak to my dad and tell him to be on his best behaviour in my presence.

As soon as I heard this people's comments went through my head and the main one being if we had children he would take them to his family where my dad and Janet would be and I would have no control over this. At that moment I realised I couldn't trust Larry and never would be able to.

I broke up with him, he is not taking it well and keeps begging me to take him back and that he would go no contact with his family. His family and friends are trying to convince me on his behalf not to end our relationship. He has made his choice and proven to me he is spineless. I don't need him in my life.

In regards to my dad I'm looking into getting a restraining order given what happened in the restaurant I might be able to but i don't know yet a friend of mine is helping me look into this.

My dad has kept a low profile since last week apart from a couple of attempts to apologize to me I haven't heard much from him. My sister still won't speak to him or Janet . Unlike me my sister is highly confrontational and has blasted him and Janet on social media with what happened at the restaurant and things that have happened in the past which I didn't know about.

My sister and Janet had a very public screaming match when she had seen them in town due to my sisters posts and demanding to take them down it ended up with Janet assaulting my sister. My dad apparently sided with Janet in this. My sister now hates Janet and refuses to speak to our dad who is also trying to contact her.

My dad and Janet s reputation seems to have taken a hit and between the incident in the restaurant and my sisters fight with Janet and het numerous Facebook posts about them, People are gossiping. This has worked well for me because some people have backed off which Im happy about unfortunately there are a few people still on his side including my ex's parents.

As for my half siblings there's not much of an update in regards to them.

I've found a therapist however there is a bit of a waiting list before I can start my therapy. I'm still living with my mom who is completely on my side and I have found a kitten and pick her up next week.

Comments

Lost-and-dumbfound

Your ex and his family and your dad and his wife suck ass. Sorry this has all happened to you and I realise as much as Reddit is all aboard the “dump him” train and I do believe it was the best decision, you’re probably still heartbroken and it will take time to heal. Take your time, engage with the block button whenever someone send you an out of pocket message about the situation.

The people who you have removed from your life have no one to blame but themselves

PeakPretty7550

I love the fact the ex claims he can't control his family's relationships, but he's not above trying to control hers..

**New Update - 15 days later**

Hi everyone thought I would give you an update as to what's been happening the last couple of weeks for those of you who are still interested.

Firstly I'm still at my moms and I got my little kitten. I've named her sascha and she is the sweetest thing but very energetic. For those of you asking for pictures I'll try, but she refuses to stay still long enough to get a one that's not blurred. I love her already. My mom continues to be my rock. IM still waiting for therapy but am finding reddit useful and therapeutic and the support I've received from most of the people on here has been great and helped me see things more clearly so a big thankyou to everyone.

As for my ex now that we've broken up I feel lighter and free and being away from him has made me see all the red flags that I was blind to in our relationship and feel like I've dodged a bullet. Luke (using real names because my posts were discovered) is not taking the breakup well and has taken over from my father constantly bothering me.

If you read this Luke we are DONE and I'm not changing my mind so stop calling me, stop coming to the house and stop sending me flowers! I'm moving on so you should too.

My sister Emma is still firmly on my side and has washed her hands of Janet (stepmonster) and they are not on speaking terms after my sister told everyone about Janet's affairs.

Janet is still trying to save face saying my sister is lying and telling everyone she can how we are just the worst and that we have treated her terrible over the years and trying to ruin her marriage. Don't think anyone is buying what she is saying. She has sent abusive messages to me and my sister and when we've bumped into her she's been screaming at us and threatening us. My sisters car had been keyed and my store windows were smashed. We can't prove its her unfortunately but she is the most likely culprit.

My half siblings are definitely my dads children they tested then years ago when she was a baby. From what I've heard they're not speaking to Janet at all.

As for my dad he seems to have grown a spine and has kicked out Janet she is now living with her parents. From what I've heard he's thinking about divorce. I havnt had any contact with my dad except for a text saying he was sorry for everything. As for getting a restraining order I'm more concerned about getting one against Janet at the moment.

Comments

Actual-Offer-127

Janet has lost her mind! Have you considered cameras for your store? I'm truly afraid things will get worse before they get better. Her world is crashing down and she's blaming you and your sister.

OOP: I have cameras but you can't see if it her because of the angle I'm getting more fitted for better coverage

juliaskig

If your father and Janet get divorced will you give your father another chance? He sounds like he was totally abused by Janet. I know this is not an excuse for the way he treated you and sister, but maybe it is a partial explanation.

OOP: No the damage is already done. He had his chance to fix things with me and he blew it. I just want to be left alone and get on with my life

ZealousidealGold5909

Yep and the only time he actually saw who Janet really is, is because she's done the same thing he's done to your mother. Not the other times when she clearly didn't like you and manipulate him. It was only her actions started affecting him is when he realized she wasn't a good partner.

Update 6 aita for not letting my dad back in my life after he chose his new family - 2 months later

Hi everyone its been a while and some of you have asked for an update

Firstly my dad and Janet are still together they broke up for a while but now they are back together and showing a united front even though shes a cheater. Apparantly they tried again for the sake of their kids.

Weirdly enough me and my dad are in a better place, we ocassionaly text and are cordial when we see each other but he has stopped pushing so hard for a relationship and respecting my space. We can now be in the same place and room without a scene and have had the occasional coffee together which to be fair is all I ever wanted. He even gave me my college fund with no strings attatched.

My step siblings and I have started talking and we follow each other on social media my step sister comes to my business sometimes and helps out. I realised they were not at fault and I was being unfair to them. They are still upset with their mom but are stuck living with her from what i can gather they are giving her the silent treatment.

As for Janet I still hate her but least she is staying out of my business. I unfortunatley could not get restraining order against her due to lack of evidence. I avoid her and wont speak to her and I think my dad has warned her.

My sister is speaking to our dad again but despises Janet and refuses to have anything to do with her and is going out of her way to exclude her from everything she possibly can. Me and her have become so much closer.

As for Larry we are not back together and never will be. He has not fully accepted this but things have calmed down and im not being harassed as much. He still wants to get back together but im not interested. Him, his friends and family will eventually accept this. He thinks because things are better with my dad and me now ill soften and forgive him too but I just cant trust him.

As for me I started therapy and Im working through my issues. Ive realised the relationship with my dad wasnt purely his fault and I share blame in this. Ive spent my life acting like he abandoned me when I pushed him away as well.

My business is doing well and Im just focusing on myself. Thankyou for all your support.

Comments

Fabulous_Mica

It's amazing to see how much you've grown and overcome. You should be incredibly proud of the progress you've made in your personal life and relationships.

Starry-Dust4444

Don’t let anyone make you accept adult-level responsibility for something that happened when you were a kid. He was the adult so the onus to foster the parent/child relationship was solely on him. He never should have moved away from his kids. That was 100% selfish.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This particular image in the OP(Which always causes a stir on 196) suggests that people who say they are pro-rehabilitation would change their mind at "one of the bad crimes I dont like".

In 99% of the times this image is posted, "one of the bad crimes I don't like" for most users is sexual assault of adults and children.

It's incendiary, reductive and disingenuous nature always sparks heated discussions on the leftist subreddit.

In this instance another user in the in the image responds saying that external factors will not cause a person to rape someone, suggesting that the concept of consent is intrinsically understood.

This sparks comments about rape culture, rapist rehabilitation and other very interesting observations.:

EDIT: Ah geez, I don't think I've ever seen so much back and forth over skinning people.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 3rd August 2024

- 4th August 2024

$20/day is too much for dog sitting now

So I’m dog sitting for an acquaintance for 6 days (currently on day 3), staying at her house because the dog is high anxiety ect, and since I sorta know her I said it was $20/day.

Seems cheap, right? Apparently not. She texted me this afternoon to ask if I could venmo her $80 from what she gave me because she decided that I’m overcharging. Tf?? Obviously I said no, and she starts complaining that she’s letting me stay in her house to do this, and I should really just be grateful I don’t have to commute so much, her house is nicer than mine, blah blah blah. But I brought my own food, this place doesn’t have AC (mine doesn’t either), and she’s also having me water all her plants inside and out. She says I’m being ungrateful and that she won’t hire me again, but oh well. Good luck finding a cheaper sitter then, bitch.

Edit: She’s not my friend, she’s a friend of a coworker that I’ve met a couple times. Im wondering if I bring it up to my coworker or not, cause I don’t wanna cause tension at work, so I’ll just see if their friend ends up talking shit about me with screenshots handy.

Comments

nuclearmonte

You are dog, house and plant sitting. You should be charging more imo

romya2020

You know she'll need you again; double your prices and it's extra for plants, etc!

No_Entertainment670

I did that to my cousin. She tried to pull we are family. I told her even tho we are family, I’m still going to have to charge you extra for the watering your 23 plants. She said, to me well since you are going to charge me extra I won’t be needing your service. OK not a problem. She called me back that same week saying that she over reacted and that she still needs me. I told her well for the short notice I’ll have to charge you extra. She then said, extra? I just told you two days ago I didn’t need you. 2 days later the price went up? I said yes, bec you cancelled me and re hired me 1 day before you fly out. That is last minute. She ended paying the extra charge.

ilikepieilikecake

Pet sitting is my full time job, I'm self employed, and I tend to undercharge for my area. I charge $70 a night and my clients generally tip on top of that. I have a stay of four nights coming up soon and, while I never expect a tip, knowing this client, I won't be surprised if they tack on an extra $100

When I'm doing drop in visits and walks, I charge $19. Which is what you were getting per day? Nah. Fuck that noise.

flowerpotpie

I pay $30 per dog WALK. For one hour. Value yourself, you are being exploited big time.

Update - 1 days later

To begin with, lemme answer some recurring questions:

Will I be leaving partway through? No. I’d feel bad for the dog.

Do I know that I’m severely undercharging? Yes. I figured it would be a favour for a coworker that really helped me when I first started my job, and it’s the least I could to.

Will I be sending the post to the dog owner or telling her to check prices? No. I’m not going to cause useless tension for my coworker that could spill into my job.

How am I surviving off this meagre pay? I have two actual jobs so money isn’t a huge issue.

Now onto the update. I got in to work today and the first thing my coworker says to me is “I’m so sorry about EB (entitled bitch)”. Which honestly? Very kind, 10/10 glad they’re sticking up for me.

The gist of it is, EB texted my coworker complaining about how I’m overcharging and being ungrateful and my coworker got upset on my behalf. They know how much I charged for this because they’re the one who helped set it up, and we’ve been coworkers long enough that they know I’m not like that. They offered to watch the dog in my stead and told me if I wanted I could send back the money I got from EB and they’d pay me instead for the hassle. But tbh, this dog’s cute af and I’ve gotten this far, so a couple more days won’t kill me. I asked if any communication between EB and I could go through my coworker, and they agreed, so there’s that.

That being said, I will be indulging in ice cream the day EB gets back and letting my lactose intolerance do the rest before I scoot.

Comments

virtualchoirboy

letting my lactose intolerance do the rest before I scoot.

So... when can we expect part 3 on *???? Or...depending on the severity of your reaction,* *? :-)*

mmmkay938

I totally read scoot as OP dragging ass on the carpet and leaving skid marks.

Impressive_Teach9188

Eat some boiled eggs that day too so they get the full "perfume" effect

frackleboop

Get some Jerusalem artichokes. Also referred to as "fartichokes."

OOP: That’s a new one for me, and idk where I’d find one, but I’ll keep that suggestion in the wings

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to &

AITA if I Buy a House on My Own Without Including My Fiancée?

: July 25, 2024

I (32M) have been dating my fiancée (29F) for the 2 years and we got engaged 7 months ago. We plan to get married in Summer 2025. I love my fiancée, and she is a perfect for me. We have not combined our finances yet, but plan to as soon as we get married. I make significantly more than her, but she is a Surgical Resident and will start making similar to what I make in about 2 years. We live together, and split the expenses where I pay 90%, which is based on how much we make.

Recently, my stock portfolio had been doing great and I decided to sell a part of my portfolio and made decent profits. I am worried about reinvesting it in stocks and we decided to purchase a home since we plan to get married soon and start a family. My fiancée was also very excited as we would need a nicer house than our current apartment that we rent. We talked about it, and I offered to purchase the house with the cash I have sitting on the sidelines, and not take a mortgage. I feel it would be a good financial decision as the current rates are too high, and we could always get a home equity loan in future. It was all good until I told my fiancée that I would purchase the house and she does not need to contribute anything to it, as she is still paying off her student loans. Of course, I would be on the title and would have the sole ownership.

My fiancée is not ok with this. She says that we will be married, and our marital home should have both of us on the title. Her friend told her that I might be protecting my assets by purchasing the home before marriage, thus making it a premarital asset. This has bothered her, and she has mentioned that to me. That was not my intention, and I do want our marriage to be successful. I have told her that I do not need to protect anything since we both would be surgeons, and both will make about the same in few years. However, I feel it is unfair to put her name on the title as I would be paying for the house, and it is risky to put her name even before we get married. I told her that we can revisit this topic after we get married.

As we have started looking for houses, we need to make the decision quickly. I understand her point that she wants to be included in ownership of the house where she would live, and we will grow as family. However, we are looking to spend more than a million dollars, and it feels wrong to give her half of my earnings and year before we get married. I need advice on what others have done in this situation, and how I can handle it this sensitive situation without hurting my fiancée's feelings?

VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED

Relevant Comments

NewtoFL2: NTA, BUT if I were her I would demand a prenup to keep my future earnings as a surgeon away from you in the event of divorce. I would not be willing to split mortgage payment 50/50 if you get all the appreciation. Are you willing to discuss prenup, or is I get the house AND a share of surgeon's earnings?

OOP (downvoted): So, to clarify, we are not going to get a mortgage on the house. I would be paying all-cash for it because I sold a chunk of my stock portfolio. Secondly, we both will have similar earnings after she starts practicing.

We will have very stable finances, and I never thought money is going to be a problem in our relationship. I just wanted opinions from people who were in similar situation and how they tackled it.

OOP on the housing market in his area

OOP: Because the housing market in our area is very competitive. If we see a house we like, we will have to put an offer immediately.

Also, if the interest rates come down, the housing prices may go up and I feel we have an advantage right now because we will be making an all-cash offer.

used-books: If she is in residency doesn’t it make sense to wait until she is employed to buy a house, in terms of commute?

I would advise you not to give in to FOMO and rush into a decision. A home is the biggest purchase you will ever make; and the most personal. If your fiancé doesn’t feel her input on where you live is valued, the resentment could undermine your whole marriage before it begins.

OOP: In my mind, I am looking at the house as an investment. I need a place to park my cash. Our rents are really high right now. So, we save on that.

Plus, once she finishes residency, we could buy a bigger house that fits both our commutes and rent this place out.

That is how I am looking at the house. I want to buy something for the next few years where I could park my cash (instead of high yield accounts) and save on rent. Once she starts practicing, we could buy a better house at location that works for both of us, while renting out this property.

: July 29, 2024

I wrote a post on a different subreddit regarding buying a house in near future, my fiancée is not happy that I will be the sole owner on the title. She feels that she should be part owner of her own family home, but I plan to pay in cash and do not want to mix our finances until we are officially married next summer. My post was removed from the AITA forum, but wanted to update since you guys are rockstars and so many of you gave me helpful advice.

Thanks for everyone who helped me understand why she would feel more secure if her name would be on the title of her marital house, and what issues may occur in future. I realized that I was not able to think about the situation from her perspective, and I wish I would be more empathetic of her position. I still did not want to mix our finances until we get married in a year and had to think of a middle ground.

We had a long discussion about the issue this weekend. I realized that I was not able to get my point across on why it was important for us to invest that money in real estate. We sat together and I apologized to her for not communicating more clearly sooner. I told her that it was not fair for me to purchase our family home on my own, and it should be a joint decision and we should own it jointly. I tried to explain to her why it is more advantageous for us to buy real estate now, when the interest rates are higher, and we could pay in cash. She was very receptive to it all.

She explained why she would not feel a sense of ownership if she were not on the title of the house. She realizes that I have been the primary earner so far in our relationship, but she would graduate soon and become a surgeon, and we would be able to afford a much bigger house in few years.

I proposed that we hold onto buying our forever family home until we are married, and she starts her job. That would help us take both our commutes into account when purchasing the house. However, we should buy an apartment or condo near the city (where we both work) as an investment with the cash in hand. I would still want to be sole owner on the title, and we can amend the title once we get married. We can stay in this property until then to save on our ever-increasing rent. We could then either sell this properly when we purchase our forever home, or just use it to generate rental income.

Luckily, she agreed and was happy I took her feelings into consideration. I felt it was a win-win, since that was my original plan, and I was just not doing a good job explaining it to her. So, we are going to keep looking for a good investment property, and she is happy since she knows she will be included when buying our forever home. Thanks again everyone for helping me with the issue. All I had to do is call it an investment property, and communicate better, and she was understanding of my view.

Comments

Leo_Xu_4054: That sounds like a great compromise! I'm glad you both came to an agreeement & she felt heard. Always good to communicates better.

Express-Pumpkin7213: Honestly your compromise of waiting to by your shared home and investing on a condo in the meantime sounds like a great idea, from a relationship and financial perspective. Good luck!

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