DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: pro-forced birth comments, abusive relationships, emotional abuse

**Note: There are a LOT of comments on the subreddit that are pro-forced birth comments, along with calling OOP cruel, disgusting, abusive, breaking apart a family. Proceed at your own caution

mood spoilers: Happy ending. She escaped

- 2020-07-04

Married for 9 years, me and my husband have been doing the polyamory thing for 4 years now. This started when my husband confessed to having feelings for one of our mutual friends. He really sold me on the idea of a poly triad and we started living together.

My family disapproved and stopped visiting us. That hurt but things were okay . I did struggle with some jealousy issues. Although I told my husband that I was open to dating someone new and bringing the new person into our fold, in reality, I wasn't ready at all.

The guys I liked quickly distanced themselves romantically as soon they heard that I was a married female in a non-monogamous relationship. It was hard. As for the the guys who were okay with my situation and pursued me, I wasn't attracted to them.

Things changed in 2017 when my husband's girlfriend became pregnant with my husband's first child. I love the kid, I really do. She calls me maman and loves me a lot.

Right around the same time, my company promoted me. I went from working 4 hours a day to essentially living 4 months out of my state.

I immersed myself in my work and in 2019 my husband talked about having one of our own to 'complete' the family.

Fast forward to June 2020, I find out I'm pregnant and we are having a boy. We had a big gender reveal and everything. The kiddo knows that she's getting a baby brother.

I'm currently 15 weeks along and two nights ago, my company offered me a permanent position in the new city. Because of covid they had to lay off many people, and they now need more people in leadership roles. From a career standpoint, it would be foolish of me if I let this opportunity go. But if I do that, It would break my family apart.

Right now my husband and his girlfriend are working on the baby room and I'm here sitting conflicted. I'm really tempted to take up the job offer and run away from the life that we've created. I'm also secretly contemplating an abortion.

My friend thinks that I should take up the offer. He thinks I'm unhappy with my life and that a change would do me good. I would be working with him if I take up the offer. I have friends in that city so I know that I wouldn't be alone. I'm really stressed out thinking about it.

What do I do?

Commentator asks

This whole situation stems from the fact that you became poly under duress by nature of your cheating husband (you don't become poly because you have someone else lined up already.) All these people telling you to just work it out fail to see that you were coerced into this situation. I'm baffled why you let it go on so long especially since you didn't have a kid together, but I suppose it is your visceral desire for stability. I would get an abortion and go create a life you, you know, actually enjoy instead of this day-to-day, colorless life of acceptance you've tolerated for way too long.

OOP Comments:

This was blunt, and maybe the honest response that I needed. My husband and his girlfriend swear that they didn't start a romantic relationship until I was fully in the loop of things. But to be really honest? I don't know. Maybe they did start out by cheating. But that ship has sailed and I accepted the situation. So looking back on that won't help my situation.

But I do feel that I need a fresh start now. Away from the mundane life that I have.

- 2020-07-07

I made a post a few days ago about being conflicted with a new job offer and an existing pregnancy.

Just thought I'd share it here first -

Last night I accepted the job offer and I'm getting an abortion next week. My friend is helping me every step of the way.

I'll be filing for divorce in a week or two.

I've had great years with my poly family and my husband and now it's time for me to make the jump and dive into the unknown.

Thanks to all the people who sent me supportive pms and helped me make my decision.

And yes, I did talk to a therapist via zoom. That session helped me clear my head in a way that I hadn't felt before.

And, no I haven't talked to my husband. I will talk to him after I actually get the abortion procedure done.

I'm really focused at this moment and don't want conflicting opinions to derail my journey. So I will talk to him after it's all done.

Thank you.

OOP Comment

I'm not poly. My husband became poly a couple of years into our marriage when he fell in love with a mutual friend, and I went along with it because I wanted to please my husband and I was afraid of our marriage breaking up. He was (and is) my only partner and I was terrified to losing him.

Clearly, that was a mistake and it built a lot of resentment inside me over the years which I couldn't understand or justify to myself.

- 2020-07-24

If you check my post history you would know what I'm talking about.

Just an update for the people who reached out to me.

I did get an abortion last week, on Friday.

I finally told him this week, on Wednesday.

I'd never seen him so broken. It broke my heart to see him cry, but I had to do it.

His girlfriend hugged me, little kiddo hugged me and bid me goodbye.

My husband refused to talk to me. I'm waiting for him to reach out. I'm giving him space right now.

I'm at peace and I don't regret my decision.

With this, I'm bidding my poly lifestyle a final goodbye.

Thanks to all the people here who supported me.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not the Original Poster. OOP is and they posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old. 

Trigger Warning: Mentions of domestic abuse and neglect

March 22, 2024

I 40M divorced my wife 37F about 3 years ago. We have two awesome kids 6f and 4m, and I am so grateful to her for blessing me with them. We have 50/50 custody.

Brief history. Quarantine hit us hard. I had started a new and stressful job in April of 2020. My ex suffers from BPD and OCPD. The lack for control and uncertainty at this time made her very difficult to live with. She was also postpartum at this time. I was getting calls two minutes after work asking where I was and constantly made to feel guilty for pursing any self care, on “her time.” Days of the silent treatment was my norm. I called it emotional purgatory. She was a SAHM at that time.

I desperately tried to complete small tasks to lessen the load at home and put my dad hat on the second I walked through the door. I put the kids to bed, washed bottles, cleaned the kitchen etc. she was always focusing on what I didn’t help with. I begged her to go talk to a therapist and see if medication might be appropriate. I did convince her to come to marriage counseling which we attempted for about 6 months. In those sessions, it became clear that my feelings weren’t going to be heard or considered. I decided to just work on myself and my codependency.

I began to work on self-esteem, setting boundaries and not questioning my reality and my feelings. The healthier I got, seemingly the worse she got, which might sound strange to some. The night it all came undone I was watching a Playoff game outside on the patio. It was a Tuesday night. I had told her in advance that the game was important to me. I got the kids down and began watching the game. She came outside and asked if I could help her pick up arround the house. We had someone coming to help with cleaning on Friday so she wanted to tidy up. I told her, “I can’t help tonight because I’m watching the game, but I could help tomorrow.” She slammed the patio door, came back out while the game was in OT and unplugged the TV. I walked out of the house and finished the game on my phone.

After that she asked me to go to a hotel and locked me out of the house. When I asked to come back she told me to get an apartment, which I did. A week later, she begged me to come back. I said okay but under the advice of my therapist, I was going to keep my apartment in case she changed her mind. Over the next month she became obsessed with me breaking my lease. Eventually, I had a moment where I knew I was done trying.

The divorce process was messy. She faked a pregnancy and tried to prevent me from getting 50/50. The truth came out and she caved eventually. At times I considered fighting for full custody but I know the kids love their mom and it would have broken her.

If you made it this far, thank you for your patience. On to the present issue…. Our decree states that we alternate Spring breaks. The ex took the kids out of state the last two years. She asked me in February if she could take them again this year. I agreed because I didn’t have plans, and I feel it’s important that they see family. She told me she was driving, so I agreed to more time to allow them to safely travel. I made one request; “Please do not take the children to see my mother.” She has done this the last two times she traveled there. I don’t talk to my mother because she stole 60K from my grandmother (among other things) and refused to even acknowledge her fault. I now care for my grandmother and moved her here.

This morning my daughter informed me that they are flying, not driving and that ex has planned a visit with my mother and the kids. Since the divorce, There has been a very consistent pattern of her intentionally disregarding simple and reasonable requests, I’ll spare you other examples. The point is I’m fed up. She is flying tomorrow. I asked her to change her flight and return the children to me by Wednesday at 5pm. This cuts her trip short three days, but follows the order.

So I feel a bit guilty because I know the children will be disappointed. Logically and based off history, I know this is the only thing she responds to and I’m sick of being taken advantage of.

What are your thoughts. I’m open to hearing that I’m being unreasonable if you feel that’s the case. I desperately want to just do what’s best for the kids, but this is often in conflict with enabling toxic behavior and her disregarding simple boundaries. Thank you for taking the time to read this. 🙏🏼

Relevant Comments:

JoeRonimo:

"She told me she was driving, so I agreed to more time to allow them to safely travel. I made one request; “Please do not take the children to see my mother.”

This morning my daughter informed me that they are flying, not driving and that ex has planned a visit with my mother and the kids."

Your ex lied to you about the details of the trip in order to get you to agree. This is a deal made under false pretenses.

NTA

BigNathaniel69:

NTA, she wanted to play games so you enforced the court order. Seems fine to me. But stop giving her these opportunities. Follow the court order. Stop giving her extra chances to cause issue, she doesn’t deserve them and she has repeatedly shown you that she will trump your boundaries. So stick to the boundaries backed by the court order.

rusty0123:

You know this arrangement isn't sustainable, right? And damaging your children?

This isn't about how much your kids love their mom. This is about helping them to be healthy, happy humans.

Who do you think is bearing the burden of your ex's BPD and OCPD now that you aren't a full-time target? Why are you allowing her to travel alone with your kids? What happens if she goes off the rails in the middle of a strange airport with your kids in tow? Why are you not demanding an exact schedule and frequent check-ins?

It's great if you want to be kind and understanding with her. But don't be careless with your kids.

You need to get her evaluated to be sure she is capable of caring for your kids. You need to be informed if she goes off her meds or if her meds change. You need to be sure she is keeping up with her mental health care.

And you need to know where your kids are at all times.

Talk to a lawyer to find out what you can legally do. One thing I would suggest to start is to take advantage of your right to phone the kids at any time. Your kids are young, but get the oldest on of those kid's phones that only calls you. Then call her, just to check in. Ask what she's doing and measure her mood.

And start using a parenting app when you talk to your wife. You need to have records of each time she lies to you. Or tries to guilt or gaslight you. (I think seeing how much she lies and manipulates you will make it harder to brush off.)

Stop extending her grace at the expense of your children.

Bolt_McHardsteel:

What was her response to your request to return them by Wednesday? You gave her more time based on lies she told you, so when you learned about the lies you withdrew the offer of additional time. Cause and effect. Be very clear with her on that. Hang in there.

OOP:

Verbatim…

“You trusted me as a stay at home mom for years. You trusted me with the kids full time after we separated. You trusted my mom to care for the kids for weeks and months the at a time while we worked. You’ve trusted my dad and sister with the care of the children.

So I am trying to understand what your safety concern is regarding our kids?

Because this actually feels unnecessary, unhinged and not in the best interest of the kids since they have been looking forward to family dinners, get together, Easter celebrations and birthdays. “

Readsumthing:

NTA. It’s not weird, or even unusual, when you’re in a toxic relationship, for one partner to go off the deep end when the other starts getting better. It happened to me too.

I grew up with a mother with pretty severe mental illnesses. I know your kids love their mom, but that doesn’t mean that they are in a healthy environment.

The thing is, you’ve had a history of letting her run roughshod over you. Imagine how much easier it would be for her to do to your kids.

You showed great fortitude in getting out, and getting 50/50 custody. Now is not the time to start slacking off. She’s showing you clearly, that she’s going to do as she pleases. Polish up your shiny backbone. Enforce that court order. Look into parenting apps, and start documenting EVERYTHING!

Reddit is a goofy place, and I see some shitty replies here. Best of luck to you.

Important_Bend_9046:

Browse  to understand who you’re leaving your kids with. My mother has BPD, it gets worse as your children grow and individuate. Leaving them in her care, as she’s already demonstrating, may be in their worst interest.

July 24, 2024

I posted in April seeking guidance on if I should attempt to enforce an order to cut my wife's vacation short. Long story short she has a long history of lying and manipulating situations to gain time and access to the kids. After processing all the comments, I realized while I may not be the AH, I am the problem. It was my flexibility with my ex that was enabling and emboldening her behavior. Religiously sticking to the order has been my mantra ever since. I am grateful for the tough love in the comments which truly helped wake me up to the situation. Thank you again to all that contributed to the original post in the comments.

I did ask my ex to return the children on my scheduled parenting day. I told her that because she had lied about her travel plans, I needed her to bring the kids back early. Her response was to tell me how awful I was to do this to the children. The day came, I went to the pick spot and she didn't arrive. She refused to answer my calls and texted me screenshots of me agreeing to give her the extra time and more guilt about my behavior and weaponizing the children etc.

I tried to contact my family law attorney, but he was on vacation. I set up an appointment with him and contacted local law enforcement. The police were not interested in my call. They told me it was a civil matter and that I needed to contact the court and judge that created the order. I felt a combination of anger and helplessness. If anyone has ever coparented with someone with personality issues, you know exactly what feeling I am describing. I decided to take full responsibility for my role in the matter and use it moving forward. Since April, I have followed the order and respectfully denied all of her requests for extra time and ignored the subsequent push back and guilt tripping that inevitably comes when she doesn't get what she wants.

I felt the need to update as a cautionary tale to others that are coparenting or considering leaving a partner with personality disorder/s and high conflict behavior. This month, my ex informed me that she married someone from the military. I suspect she had an affair with this person during our marriage but this is really irrelevant to this post. She emailed me asking to relocate the children to a base literally across the country in a remote area where there are no direct flights and the travel time is over 10 hours. She has no family there and the move would take the kids from everything they know. She proposed a plan to make me the summer parent. I respectfully shared my concerns and said that she could absolutely move, but that she would have to become the summer and holiday parent.

Two weeks later she filed a motion to relocate with the court. She hired and expensive law firm and stated in her motion that she was a victim of domestic violence, and that I was uninterested and uninvolved with the children and on several occasions I have "surrendered" my parenting time. She has weaponized my flexibility and genuine efforts to coparent. I wont waste your time defending myself and will say that she never brought any DV up at any previous hearing, never any charges or police reports, and agreed to give me 50/50 parenting time. This, with the timing of her new marriage and the motion, speak volumes. At best our relationship was unhealthy and mutually toxic. The reality is that I was being abused, which is the reason I filed for divorce in the first place.

At times, I felt have felt so scared, angry, and helpless. More so than anytime in my life, and I have been to combat. It's not that I believe that she will be successful. Everyone I reach out to reassures me that this is a long shot. It's the mere POSSIBiLITY that I could lose the kids and that they would have to spend so much more time with someone who is so emotionally damaging. It's been a challenge to stay grounded. I am having nightmares and difficulty falling and staying asleep due to the anxiety. There is something so gut wrenchingly cruel about having someone who abused you, accuse you of being the abuser.

I am preparing in all the ways legally, psychically, and emotionally to fight for my children. I have a very strong case and will show the judge how loved and cared for the children are at Dad's house. I will let my attorney try to communicate the issues with her behavior and subtly try to let the judge know who they are truly dealing with. I mostly wanted to express gratitude to all the redditors and share this as a cautionary tale to help others. If you are considering leaving or are coparenting with someone with a personality disorder please don't fall in to the trap I did. Keep your boundaries in place, stick to the order, and document high conflict behaviors so that you are prepared to protect yourself and your children. If you believe in Prayer, I would appreciate them in any form. I will update again after the trial.

Some books that have been tremendously helpful and should be required reading in these situations:

• Whole Again, Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse.  

• Splitting, Second Edition: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   and  

• Letting Go, The Pathway to Surrender. 

Relevant Comments:

FakinFunk:

Don’t “subtly” demonstrate anything to the judge. Work with your attorney to throw your wicked ex ALL the way under the bus.

Has your ex ever used illicit substances? Has she ever cheated on her taxes? Has she done ANYTHING illegal that you can document and substantiate? Gather everything you can to torpedo her character and demonstrate her lack of fitness to parent. If she can be incarcerated, all the better.

Also try to get dirt on her new husband. Establish that your kids would be unsafe living with him. There’s absolutely no reason to try and salvage any sort of civil relationship with a psycho. You need to go scorched earth and bury her in court. Your ex is a bad person, and you don’t cut bad people slack.

Dramatic-Win5296:

Honestly this is the exact situation I was in, my ex was exactly like your ex wife. He would ask for extra time then when I let him because it’s in my nature too to just try and keep peace and try and do best for our son. He would use it against me and weaponise our child. It’s awful, he’s threatened to take him and thankfully the courts always stopped him. I am the U.K. though so it’s different than the USA. I hope you get it sorted and I understand the frustration you have. My son spoke up against his dad 6months ago and now my ex sees he can’t use our son anymore he hasn’t even seen our child. They literally don’t care about anyone but theirselves. Good luck with it all

OOP:

Thank you for turning your trauma in to helping others! An opinion have is that most, if not all DV survivors are Codependents. Books on this topic will be helpful to your clients. The five core symptoms of Codependency align perfectly with the reasons people stay in DV situations. Working on these five things is the key to healing. Only a codependent, can partner with a personality disorder.

Self-esteem, People with low self-esteem may seek external validation and have trouble asserting their needs and boundaries. They may also depend on others for a sense of value.

Boundaries, Codependent people may have trouble setting boundaries with others and protecting themselves.

Identity, Codependent people may have trouble owning and expressing their reality, feelings, and identifying who they are.

Needs and wants, Codependent people may have trouble addressing their own adult needs and wants, which can lead to self-care difficulties.

Moderation, Codependent people may tend to act in extremes when dealing with these core issues.

Probllamadrama:

When you speak with lawyer ask them to use her mental instability, ppd, all of it. She is moving to a place with no support system. Also she has no clue what she is in for being a military spouse. If he deploys or has to do a tdy she will be alone. How will she cope in those situations. The kids are a bit young to be able to verbalize and ask for help if she goes into a depression or become abusive. I am a sahm mom and my husband have been military for almost 20 years. Make it clear you are scared for your children when you cannot be in close contact to monitor how their mom is treating them. 

Admirable-Bit-8478:

There is being cooperative and being a chump. Guess which one you are? Sorry for the tough love but now more than ever it’s about the kids. Go after her new husband. Let them know that you suspect he was having an affair with her and he is complicit in the lies that was told to law enforcement and the courts about you. Let him know that your attorney will subpoena the hell out of his bank records and call to witness his superiors before a civilian court. Make his life hell. Whether or not this is possible, who cares. It’s about causing discord in their relationship to get her to back off.

Kickapoogirl:

Guardian ad Litem, for the children. Picked by the court, you split the cost.

OOP also on the same day but added the following details:

Case in Colorado. 50/ 50 custody

We have filed a strong reply to her motion

I have several letters of support and suitability

I plan to make a calendar and highlight Dads Days vs Mom days, I have maybe granted her 20 extra days in two years

I have built a photo book with 200 pictures of adventures and activities

Since OOP has said he will update after he goes to court, I will mark this as ongoing.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

They hired someone new instead of promoting me and now I have no motivation to work.

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

  Apr 17, 2024

Hi, everyone.

It's been a few months now since this happened, but I can't get past this, and I guess I just want to get this off my chest in hopes that it'll help me get over it. Here we go.

I've been working at the same company for over 6 years. The company is medium-sized I would say, and at the time I was hired, we didn't have a Marketing department. With time, the company grew, and after 1 year of working there, they offered I be the one to kickstart the Marketing department. I accepted.

For 2 years, I was the only person in the Marketing department. I did everything all by myself. I knew how everything worked. I kept my numbers and quality high, that my manager even asked my boss to give me a bonus for my hard work.

As the company grew, the work became too much for just one person, so they gave me a team. We were now four in total. I trained and pretty much lead the team, but the thing is, my title never went past "Marketing Agent". I thought that with all the things I'm doing, I'd at least get "Marketing Manager" by now? I expressed this to my manager, who said that they'll see what can be done.

Months pass, my title remained the same, but then in a meeting with my manager one day, they told me that our boss is thinking that there should be a Marketing Team Lead on the team. They said that they think it's going to be me as I started off the department, trained everyone, have the most knowledge, and have been in the company for 6 years now. Obviously, I got excited hearing that and I patiently waited for boss to finally drop the news to me.

The news ended up being that they were looking for a Marketing Team Lead. And they decided to hire externally.

I can't even put into words the way I felt. Even now, I still feel like I've been punched in the gut. It feels so unfair and humiliating? I was the FIRST person in the Marketing department. I have the MOST EXPERIENCE. Why would you hire someone with ZERO EXPERIENCE instead?

I asked my manager why I wasn't considered for it, and their response was basically just: "Boss just couldn't see you being a Team Lead." Hearing that seriously killed my self-esteem and made me feel even more humiliated.

They eventually hired the person to take on the Team Lead role, and what made me want to slam my head against the wall is that they made me train them on everything I knew. Listen, the new Team Lead is a nice person and I really don't want to hate them because it's not their fault, but my bitterness is so strong, I just don't even want to interact with them unless they/I need help.

So now, I'm stuck being "Marketing Agent" forever I guess. But what really drove me to write this on Reddit is the new team member. One person on the team left and was replaced with someone else, who just started last month. The Team Lead is on vacation, so I was the one asked to train the new hire. As I was training them, we talked and I told them a little about myself, about how I started the department and everything. And then they said, "So, all that just to not be Team Lead?"

And that honestly just pissed me off? I don't know if it's their wording, their tone or the look of pity on their face that got to me, but I just shut down. I laughed it off, finished up with training, and just barely worked the whole day. And the day after that. Even now, I feel like my numbers are lower than usual, my quality definitely dropped, but I just can't care anymore.

I know I could just quit, but this company's benefits are amazing, and I've made so many friends here that would make leaving so hard. Traveling for work every few months allowed me to see different cities and take in new experiences. But I just can't get past this, and I don't know if I ever will. I might just go through the days until I really just can't do it anymore.

If you've read up until this point, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it and I really hope this situation never happens to you.

EDIT: Hi again, everyone! I just want to thank you all for your advice, you've all been very helpful and you've all given me the confidence to send my resume to other companies for a Team Lead or Manager position :) I'll be sending my resume to more as they pop up (the market is terrible right now), but I am pretty confident. Now I just have to act like normal in this current position until I hear from one of them. Wish me luck!

For those wondering how I trained the new Team Lead, I did NOT teach them everything I knew. Hell no. I taught them enough to do their job, but when it comes to the deeper knowledge, I held back. I personally just thought it was the smartest decision for me, as teaching them all I knew wouldn't have benefited me at all. It's up to my company to teach them everything else, not keep relying on me. When I was asked to train the new hire, I did mention that I shouldn't train them if we have a Team Lead. But Boss hit back saying that I would be responsible if the team fell behind if we waited until the Team Lead got back from vacation. I didn't want to cause stress for the rest of the team and myself, so I (stupidly) complied.

I did consider threatening to leave if I didn't get the Team Lead role, but I held back because I was afraid of the response lol. I was afraid they would've just let me go and I'd be left unemployed without a backup job especially considering the job market right now. But I guess my pride also played a part in it. I really wanted to be given the Team Lead role because they believed in me/wanted to give it to me, not because I threatened them. I also do quite like my job, so I thought I could suck it up, but it's really not worth the mental suffering.

Huge thanks again for reading my ramblings. Have a great one guys

  July 26, 2024 (3 months later)

So... I got a job as Marketing Team Lead! Just finished week 3. The market is rough right now, but I'm glad I didn't give up and just kept applying. My new job's a little challenging, but my mental health is in a better place now knowing I could finally, fully let go of that grudge. If you're in a similar situation, don't lose hope!!!

When I gave in my notice, I would PAY just to see the look on my Boss' face again when I told them I was leaving for a Marketing Team Lead job. They tried to salary match, but I declined. They asked what they could do to keep me, but I kept it polite and just said that it was time for me to experience more in a different role now. I could tell they were really pissed, but I couldn't care less lol. And then apparently they talked smack about me to the manager, that I was betraying them and all that bs. It's so embarrassing lmao.

Of course, before I left, I asked my manager what I needed to improve on to be a better Team Lead so I can do even better in my new role. I was told things like be a little more strict, have more confidence, and other things I made sure to write down to work on.

AND I know it's been months, but I still wanted to ask again why I was passed up the promotion at this company. So apparently it's because they made it so that the Team Lead did more "admin" work—more team reports, team evaluations, team decisions and coming up with new procedures, and less marketing. Apparently, since I'm the most senior with consistent results, they didn't want to "lose" that by making me Team Lead. So they figured keeping me as a Marketing Agent was the smartest move for the company. I fully understand their decision, but screw that lmao. I feel like I'm actually doing what a Team Lead should be doing in my new company and that's all I really wanted. It just feels like they're still trying to figure out what a Team Lead should do and I'm not willing to stick around for that again.

Thank you again everyone for encouraging me to look for another job. I got way too comfortable in my last job that I allowed them to walk all over me. You aren't handcuffed to a certain company forever, it's okay to leave when you feel there's no more growth for you. Have a great one everyone :)

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Trigger Warning: undiagnosed mental health issues; child abandonment; child abuse; ableism

Mood Spoiler: fucking sad

Original : July 23, 2024

Throwaway so my family doesn't connect this to my main.

I'm a 23 year old childfree woman (idk if this is needed for the story), and my sister is 30 with a 4 year old son. She's a single mom, ex-husband is not in the picture and has no contact with her or the kid. I'm gonna get straight to the point, that kid is a nightmare to be around. It's not his fault, it's my sister's fault. He very clearly has behavioral and mental health disorders, even at his young age. However, my sister was and is very ablest and refuses to accept that her son has problems. The kid screams bloody murder whenever something doesn't slightly go his way, screams and cries when he's overwhelmed, has meltdowns to certain sounds and textures. Like I said, I don't blame the kid for these issues, but my sister refusing to get him treatment or help makes the kid a nightmare to be around. So, as a result I don't babysit the kid when my sister asks (more like demands) I do so. This causes a lot of fights between us and our family.

I have a friend, 23 M, who's married to a wonderful lady age 22 and they have a baby boy together who just turned 1. Yes they got married and had him young, but it's not my place to judge them. This past weekend they asked me to babysit for them, and I agreed for a few reasons. Their kid is calm, well behaved, and a general good kid/toddler/baby to be around. I love babysitting him. Also, they asked me nicely and understood that I might say no because I'm childfree. They were polite about their request.

A thing about me is that if you ask me to do something politely, even if it's something I wouldn't usually agree to, I'd probably do it because you were nice and polite. So for these reasons, I happily agreed to babysit the boy. My sister also asked me to babysit her son that day so she could have a day to herself, and I refused and told her I was already babysitting for my friends. She was pissed, to say the least. She said a few comments about how I was an ass and not a good sister, but I thought she dropped it after that.

This past weekend, while I was watching the baby, my sister started banging on my door. I looked through the window and saw that she had her kid and a care bag with her, and I knew she was trying to drop him off and make me babysit. She was banging on the door, yelling at me and calling me heartless and a baby hater (while I was holding a baby, ironic) and that I better open up and do my sisterly duties. I put the baby in a different room to keep him from getting scared by the noise, and told my sister through the window to leave, or I would call the cops. She started cursing for a solid five minutes before she finally left. I had the whole thing on my doorbell camera and sent it to the family group chat. Surprisingly, my whole family is on my sister's side.

She keeps arguing with me about how I'd rather babysit a kid not even related to me over my nephew. I reminded her that her kid is a nightmare to be around, but she keeps saying that for family you help out. My sister has been cold since, and keeps sending me text messages to provoke me into arguing with her more. She's also started saying some pretty ablest and nasty things towards my friend's wife. My friend's wife is on the spectrum and has BPD and my sister keeps saying that she should have been sterilized and never should have passed her issues to her kid (btw, her kid has shown none of the signs that autistic infants usually show so idk what my sister is on).

I will admit that I do feel a bit guilty because I never consider babysitting my nephew, but I jumped at the opportunity to babysit my friend's kid. My sister, dad (66), mom (64) and brother (33) are all calling me an asshole and saying that I'm just using the CF label to avoid family responsibility. I need advice on how to get my family to see my perspective on this. How can I explain to them that the issue isn't the idea of babysitting, but it's the behavior of the kid?

Relevant Comments (there were lots but I tried to include a sampling):

Commenter: Just ignore your sister maybe even block her. She isn't entitled to you as a babysitter. As for your family, black kettle them, "So when are you babysitting sister kiddo since family should care for family?"

OOP: My brother (33, which I should have mentioned) has a wife and kids so he can't babysit, and my parents are in their early/mid 60s (also probably should have mentioned) and claim to be too old to do so. I'm the youngest and was a "whoops" baby my parents had in their 40s by chance. Because of my young age and the fact I'm not married and don't have kids, they keep saying I'm the perfect person to babysit because I have "nothing" to do, not even taking into consideration that I have a job and friends of my own.

Why can't your brother take care of him if he already has experience with his own kids?

OOP: In the words of my family "he already has his own family responsibility, you have none". 

Yes, that's pretty much always their response to when I ask why can't my brother babysit the kid. My brother also deep down knows the kid is a nightmare, even as much as he tries to ignore it along with my sister and parents.

(to a different commenter): His kids don't like spending time with her kid because he's had violent meltdowns and hurt them before. The kids avoid that boy like the plague. I don't blame any of the kids in that situation. My sister's son clearly has behavioral and/or mental issues that cause him to react violently to overstimulation, which is not his fault. He needs help so he can develop ways of controlling his meltdowns (idk if that's the right phrase) and keep his emotions in check. My brother's kids, while mature for their age, are kids and don't fully understand why he acts the way he does, and therefore harbor resentment and dislike towards him. I feel bad for all the kids involved, nobody is winning

Mute the group chat and contact experts for advice for your nephew:

I've muted the group chat, and I know this is a me issue, but I can't help but check on it every few hours and feel bad about causing a fight. I'm soft, I know. 

As for my nephew, I don't mean to sound rude but what good would that do? Yes I can have an expert weigh in their opinion, but at the end of the day my sister won't get him help so what would be the point? Once again, I don't mean to be rude.

Commenter (part of a longer comment): If she plans to send her child to public school, her neglect will become extremely obvious when he is unable to manage himself and she tells mandated reporters she refuses to get him the help he needs.

OOP: This issue already came up. He's close to turning 5, and last school year he was supposed to be in preschool. He was enrolled, and of course the workers/teachers noticed his issues right away and tried to convince my sister to sign him up for the SPED program in the preschool and for behavioral therapy. She outright refused, went off on them and pulled her kid from the program. He's going to start kindergarten in the fall, and my sister said if they "insult" her son she'll pull him out and homeschool him.

 I feel bad for my nephew, because it's not his fault he was born with these issues that cause him to act out when he gets overwhelmed. I sincerely hope my sister wakes up and gets him help, or that once he grows up he'll get help himself.

Commenter: You need to be honest with your family about what a nightmare the child is. Ask them to babysit if they disagree then block the idiots.

OOP: They know the child is a nightmare. They keep trying to pretend he's not and ignore the issue, but they know. They don't want to piss my sister off by mentioning it, as she goes nuclear with insults and fights whenever someone brings it up. I love my family, I love my nephew, and I love my sister but it is so wrong to just ignore the issues he has. He needs help. There is something wrong in his head. I'm not saying that to be mean, or cruel or ablest in ANY form but it's the truth. 

OOP responds to a longer comment:

OOP: I really hope I wasn't offensive with my wording. It feels... Wrong (?) to say "this kid has things wrong with him in the head" or "he's messed up in the head", but I genuinely don't know how else to describe it. I really don't phrase it that way to be mean or ablest or any kind of ist or phobic, but that's the only way I can think of to describe it without an diagnosis.

I don't know how much help CPS would be. We live in a small town in the south, I don't even know if CPS has an office down in our town/district. The nearest town over is a rundown city with a high crime rate, child abandonment rate, and drug use rate, so I can imagine that the CPS offices there are probably overwhelmed.

 "Sounds like she has mental health issues too."

I don't want to speculate, but I don't think she does. I think she's just ablest towards mental health disorders specifically. I'm not saying that mentally ill people can't also be prejudiced twords others with disorders and mental illnesses, but she doesn't show any signs of having any mental illness so I don't think she has any. I could always be wrong, as I'm not a therapist or doctor, but this is just my perspective from growing up with her.

Commenter: Maybe when he's too much for everyone else in your family, and she really has no help at all, she will take steps to get her son the guidance he needs.

OOP: My parents used to try and tell her this when he was smaller toddler and showing these behaviors. They were more tame them and have escalated as he got older. She blew up, said that if they kept insulting her kid she wouldn't let them see him again.

Obviously I can't imagine the position that put my parents in. They love their children and grandchildren, so I can imagine a threat like that would make them cave.

The sister's point of view:

The problem is, my sister doesn't want him to be diagnosed with anything.

She has this belief that kids are over diagnosed as a way for pharmaceutical companies and hospitals to get more money out of parents and insurance companies. And I agree to an extent that we do have an issue of overmedicalization in our country and that we tend to slap pills and medication over the problem rather than find a way to actually resolve it, HOWEVER that doesn't mean I think that medication isn't the solution in some cases. 

I don't know what would help my nephew, but I'm pretty sure that doing nothing is worse for him.

OOP's family and their views:

My parents and brother don't share the same beliefs about mental illness that she does, and I was in no way raised in anyway that could even remotely cause that belief. I'm still shocked, angry and horrified she said that about my friend's wife. I almost feel like I need to address in itself. She literally said my friend should be sterilized and prevented from having kids because she has a mental illness. I can't even wrap my mind around how cruel someone can be to say that a woman who's always wanted to be a mom and is a great mom should be sterilized simply because she has a mental illness.

A few last clarifications from OOP:

1. My sister makes enough money to live comfortably with her and her son. Hiring a sitter would put a bit of a strain on that. They're in that financial bracket where they are comfortable, but they can't afford expensive things or afford to pay for extra things. I guess you could say they are lower-middle class?

2. According to them, they are. [parents being too old] My mom retired early from a state job and has a part time easy job, and my dad is still working a different state job for a few more years.

3. My sister's ex isn't the dad. My sister has red-brown hair. Her husband had brown hair. Kid came out with a very light blonde hair. My family didn't see this as odd because I have a very light, white looking blonde hair color and one of my nieces also has blonde hair, so we just figured my sister carried the recessive gene. Husband wasn't suspicious of anything either, until sister broke down in a panic at the blonde hair and confessed that while they had been a short break after a fight, she had slept around a bit. Husband left because he didn't agree to opening the marriage during the break, and didn't sign the birth certificate. Sister has no idea who the father is and has no way to get in contact with any of the guys she slept with.

Update : July 26, 2024 (3 days later)

So... Shit has hit the fan.

My original post was about 3 days ago, and ever since that post my sister's behavior escalated. I tried to talk to her about getting help for my nephew, and she kept screaming at me everytime I brought it up. She said a lot of derogatory terms towards people with mental illnesses and mental disabilities, terms I won't repeat here.

That wasn't the only escalation. She was at my door several times a day starting 2 days ago (the day after I made my original post). Banging on my door, screaming, crying, cursing, the works. She brought my nephew each time and he always looked so confused and defeated. He was too tired to react or meltdown like he normally does around loud noises, and it broke my heart to see that on my doorbell camera.

I wasn't at my house. I was crashing with my friend and his wife. I took the advice of a commenter who said to put some physical distance between me and my sister. They said I was free to stay as long as I wanted as long as I helped out with some house chores and childcare while I stayed, which I thought was more than fair. So I'm staying in their guest room currently. I'm still with them, even though my sister isn't much of a problem.

Many will be glad to know, that my sister won't have parental rights over my nephew soon. She dropped him off at a safe haven site in the middle of the night. (Totally a fun phone call to wake up to at 2 in the morning. 😒) And my nephew is currently with my parents. Social services placed him with my parents, and he's set to have mandatory therapy. In my state (don't know if it's different in others) if a child is abandoned in anyway, safe haven or not, a physical and mental health examine is done. Other than being a little bit underweight, my nephew was physically health. He wasn't being physically abused like a few people were worried. But it was obvious he needed mental health, so he'll be starting therapy sessions soon, as mandated by a case worker.

We are not looking for my sister. After she dropped her son off, she left. She had quit her job a few weeks back, sold her car, and even her house a few weeks ago and had been renting a place, so this was planned. In my personal opinion, she planned to abandon her son the day I was babysitting my friend's baby, which is why she had such a nuclear reaction. She did leave a note, saying she can't do it anymore, she met someone, and that she doesn't want to be a mom to my nephew anymore. In her note she said she deserves a normal kid, and not a burden like my nephew. I seriously hope that my sister doesn't have anymore kids with this mystery person she's referencing, but it seems like she's running off to start a new life and family. She still has 30 days to reclaim rights over my nephew, but it doesn't look like she'll do that. Time will tell.

Like I said, I'm still with my friends because I was worried my sister would do something. My parents and brother have also been blowing up my phone and coming to my house, switching between apologies and blaming me for this. They think that maybe if I babysat that day, she wouldn't have done this, but I think she wanted me to babysit so she could do this. I'm not mad at them for blaming me, I understand that my sister is still their family and they're rightfully in shock and want someone to blame. They're human, and I know humans can be cruel sometimes while going through shock and grief.

So, yeah, that's life right now. I'm currently sitting on the couch with my friend's baby while my friend is at work and his wife does a quick grocery run. She was going to take the baby, but I insisted on watching him so she didn't have to hassle with the car seat in the very stormy weather we have in our area right now.

This update is all over the place, I feel like I'm rambling. There's still a lot of unknown stuff regarding my sister and nephew, but for now this is the update. I don't know if I'll post more regarding this situation. My friend's wife is telling me I should relax and just not think about anything relating to this until I'm more level headed, but I don't think that's possible.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Your sister clearly has her own severe mental health issues she's refusing to acknowledge.

As fucked up as it might of been, this is best for your nephew.

(Also I didn't know you could just drop off a child of any age at a place like that. I thought any child over 2 couldnt be released like that? )

OOP: I don't know my state laws, so I don't know. Because I'm not directly involved in the case, I'm not getting updates. When I say "we are not looking for her" I mean me and my family. Police could be looking for her, but I'm out of the loop on this whole case

A different commenter answers the previous commenter's question about dropping off kids and abandonment:

They changed it to 17 because too many older children were just homeless with no resources that they understood how to use or were being severely abused because they were unwanted. Heartbreaking, but at least there's safe options for all ages

Editor's note- I fact checked this but couldn't find what that commenter was talking about. Most sources say 30 days or younger. Nebraska was the only one that had that rule in place (being 18 or younger) but it has since been amended. (See )

Editor's Note: On a post I did yesterday, half of the comments I included in the body of the post were deleted in a reddit glitch in the middle of the night. (Thank goodness for rareddit to prove I'm not losing my mind. They literally just glitched away at like 6:00 AM. Apparently this has happened before- for some reason if you edit the post sometimes reddit just takes away half of it. But hours later. I'm still baffled lol.)

But I say that because if for some reason things don't look right on THIS post or if things look like they are missing, PLEASE let me know asap. I'm hoping that something like that doesn't happen again.

This is a month old, for reference.

is a snark subreddit for people who are really mad about everything Taylor Swift has ever said or done. includes everything from lyrics from 2006 to random tweets from Calvin Harris to a fine for trash outside her apartment (allegedly from the paps).

Included in this is a picture of Taylor in a traditional geisha outfit, in Japan, as part of a publicity event.

Some users are quick to point out that this a common tourist activity and most Japanese people either don't care or actively encourage it.

But others think it's

Coming in on the "it's appropriation side" are:

The real star is someone who says the makeup is

Who is undeterred when someone points out the makeup artist who did was it a Japanese woman, confidently asserting that it is not Geisha quality.

Our expert then reveals themselves to be someone who

Further insights claim that the service

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 20th July 2024

- 1st August 2024

AITAH for punching my stepdaughter after she played a prank on me that scared me?

I know the title sounds bad but please read and throwaway, plus fake names.

I (38M) married "Judd" (44F) a few years ago and I acquired a step daughter, "Abi"(14F) as a result. I dated Judd when Abi was 8, meet her when she was 9, and married Judd when she was 10. I'd say our relationship is ok, she doesn't act bratty towards me and respects me enough as her mom's husband. However there is one glaring issue about her and that is her pranking nature.

Abi loves to pull pranks. Some examples are her hiding my car keys with what looked liked 100 dubs in a box. I found them quickly because she failed to notice my keys have duct tape on them. Another one is when she hid in the fridge (something I still find very weird) to scare the first person who opened it.

Well last Wednesday, I arrived home and it seemed that I was the only one there. Only my shoes were at the doorstep and I even called out Judd's and Abi's names with no answer. This is somewhat normal as Judd sometimes works late and Abi stays at school for extracurriculars. So I screwed around with my dog ( a German shepherd and husky mix for anyone that will ask) for a bit and then I decided to relive my myself.

When I got to the bathroom I noticed that the window cabinet was open. I though nothing of it at first and unzipped my pants but then I saw a shadow behind the shower curtains. I though the worst and immediately punched the figure behind the curtains. Well as everyone may have guessed it from the title, it was Abi. She was making a prank video and I had not noticed that she propped her phone up on the bathroom cabinet with two cups.

I'm not gonna lie, I did not hold back. I punched her as hard as I could. Her nose looked broken and when I realized it, I flipped out and so did she. After maybe 5 minutes of freaking out I drove her to urgent care and informed Judd of the situation. Her nose was indeed broken and would need about 6-12 weeks of recovery.

Abi won't talk to me and as for Judd, she thinks that my action may have been justified but also thinks I should have approached with more caution which she has refused to elaborate on.

So AITAH?

Comments

original-knightmare

NTA

Get a copy of the video. If Abby starts bitching to people about how her stepdad broke her nose, you are looking at jail time. Get and keep a copy of the evidence that she startled you while you were peeing.

You need to sit Judd and Abby down and have a serious conversation.

Filming without consent while someone is in the bathroom is a MASSIVE invasion of privacy and illegal in many places. If she did this to another kid, it could be considered child prn.

While you are in the bathroom, you feel vulnerable with having your pants down/genitals out. Those feelings increases the fight/flight part of the brain, and that you reacted on instinct.

Pleas include to Abby that you love her, and never meant to hurt her.

lemony197236

And why would a young girl think pranking her step father in the bathroom is ever a good idea??? She should at least be talked to about pranking anyone n the bathroom especially with a video!

No_Scarcity8249

This is so unfortunate. People get killed for this sh. She’s lucky she’s alive. That’s the normal reaction.. to fight. As messed up this is stick firm because this is a life lesson. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Fortunately it’s all on tape right? So you’re protected. What she did is actually what’s unforgivable. Her dumb antics are gonna get someone killed or put in jail. Her mother needs to address this. Not one more prank. Ever.

PrideofCapetown

How stupid does a 14 year old have to be to not know that recording someone in the bathroom without their consent is a Very. Bad. Idea. And what was the stupid prank? *”Boo! I scared you so I’m gonna put your reaction and peepee on social media heehee!” NTA but you might want to get legal advice lawyer before a false (and more sinister) version gets circulated

NotSoAverage_sister

As a teacher, I can say that 14 year olds are indeed very... Uninformed.

Had a 14 year old once who took 30 minutes to go to the bathroom.

When he finally came back (because he was a kid who didn't usually cause trouble, and I was worried), I privately asked "what the heck took so long?"

His response? "I was waiting for people to leave the bathroom."

I still didn't get it, so he elaborated. If you use a stall, you're probably trying to 💩 or do something that you need privacy for, and other people will see your feet under the stall and try to film you by putting their phones over the walls of the stall.

I started requiring that students trade their phones for the hall pass after that. Also told the administration, but they didn't do anything.

Point is, yes, teenagers ARE that uninformed that behavior like this doesn't click as being problematic.

NTA

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 12 days later

Well this blew up big time. Let's address a few things. Abi's pranking nature isn't just situated on me, she has pulled pranks on her friends, the neighbors and at school. The school has called Judd several times about this as they have resulted in mild vandalism.

The refrigerator prank: she was 11 when that happened not a grown teenager. It was a brand new and very large fridge that my uncle bought and showed it off to every one. So she climbed in until he opened it again. Judd yelled at her saying that she could have suffocated in there and took her outside to scold her for a few hours.

The video it self: The video doesn't show the toilet at all just the shower curtain, however the issue still remains that this was a massive invasion of privacy. The video has been deleted and Abi has admitted it was purely her fault.

The update:

Its been a chaotic week, Judd still refused to elaborate on how the situation should have been handled. I showed the post as a result and she did a 180 turn. She suddenly thought it may be time to stage an intervention and I agreed. We brought some of her friends as well as my cousin's wife, Jess. Jess is an officer from another state and Abi seems to respect her.

In this intervention we state how we were each affected by her various pranks and how in turn they affected her. Jess also spoke about how much of these pranks border on criminal territory, meaning she could be arrested or face "retaliation".

It seemed to have gotten to her and Abi cried a bit and promised to do better. When everybody else left, Jess stayed behind and brought to our attention about a disciplinary camp that we could send her to. The program is 6 weeks long and involves group therapy, individual therapy and constructive projects (whatever that means), and is held at a University campus. The program apparently has good reviews.

Judd seems dead set in sending her to figure out her core problems. I'm a little hesitant about sending a kid away from home but I'm the step parent so I got no say.

Edit/Update: Ok I swear Judd must be following my posts because now she's taking back what she said and is now thinking about doing what I and you fellow Redditors suggested in the first place, weekly therapy. So we agreed that I'm gonna find a therapist and I'm gonna front the bill for it since she didn't take this seriously in the first place.

Comments

xanif

The program apparently has good reviews.

Try to get more than just reviews. The troubled teen industry is pretty horrifying There's a troubled teens subreddit for survivors. It's brutal.

OOP: I'm aware, that's why I'm hesitant about this.

DamnitGravity

Oh, thank god, I'm glad you're aware of the 'troubled teen' industry. My heart sank so low when I read that your friend was suggesting it. Maybe it's legit, but I do feel it's a bit of an extreme response. Abi seems like a mostly good kid who just has this one stupid thing that's got stuck in her brain, normal teen stuff.

I find it interesting that Judd did a 180 after reading a post, and now seems to be going from one extreme to the other: no (real) punishment to all punishment. I would think a bit more about that. I realise you're a step-parent and likely have no say in how Abi is parented, but I find it very concerning your wife seems to be so easily influenced by outsiders.

Honestly, if Abi's able to keep to her word to, if not end her pranks entirely, at least tone it down, I'd say you're all in the clear. Maybe suggest to Judd that you keep this "program" in reserve in case she needs it, and that she have a chance to prove she's learned her lesson first.

K_A_irony

Sent away seems extreme. Have you looked into this program? Is it held at a religious college? She might just end up abused at some of these type of teen rehabilitation camps and also just exposed to kids that are worse. I realize it might not be your call but I would suggest try local therapy first WAY before sending a kid off.

OOP: And I agree, sending a kid away from home will probably just damage them more. But Judd seems intent on dishing out the harshest punishment immediately thinking that this will nip it at the bud. Or she doesn't want to be seen as an enabler. She changed opinions real fast when I showed her the original post.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 30th July 2024

- 31st July 2024

WIBTA for blowing up at my wife spending our life savings?

Everyone Sucks Last month, my wife and I flew in her sister and her family of 2 to help us raise our 2-month-old daughter.

We're a working couple but she's still on her maternity leave. The tension began when sister+family needed to do a visa run. Basically what that is, is they need to leave where we are and fly to another country so that they could get a visa to stay here.

Since we were asking them for a favor to help us out with our daughter, at first I didn't mind that my wife was the one booking their plane tickets and hotel accommodation for the visa run. But then instead of a smooth in and out process, the thing became one problem after another. First: We drop them off at the airport and they realize they need a visa to enter the country they're going to. We all thought it was visa-free. So my wife spends our money to get their visa expedited. That also meant we had to rebook their flights with guess what? Our money.

Second: This morning on the return leg. My wife received a notification from the airline that the flight is delayed. So she passes on the message to her sister. Her sister then decides to arrive at the airport at a later time coz the delay was 3+ hours. However what my wife and her sister failed to notice is a clause in the notification which states that the check-in time remains the same. So when sis+family go to the airport, the check-in gate was closed and they couldn't board. So again, my wife spends OUR money to book new flights for them PLUS new hotel accomo for a couple of days.

All told, 80% of our savings our gone just because of this whole exercise. She did apologize to me over spending our money but I just can't shake the feeling of: "We worked our ass off for that savings and God knows we need it" The real kicker in my nuts is that she's considering leaving her job to take care of our daughter which would leave me as the sole source of income in the household.

We're already at a situation where I only keep less than 5% of my paycheck and give everything to bills and towards our savings. But after this whole visa run, I'm hours away from telling off my wife to stop babying her older sister over this. I mean, the sister and her husband prepared savings for their journey to help us out. Why don't they spend it? Is it because we're the ones asking for a favor?

Anyways. That's my predicament now. I haven't spoken to my wife yet since I woke up and headed to work. I'm still ambivalent how I feel about this because I feel my decision in the next couple of hours could mean I'm a husband that doesn't understand or I'm a wuss for letting my wife spend all our money just like that.

Comments

Kittenn1412

So if 80% of you savings can be eaten up by three extra plane tickets and expedited visas, it sounds like you don't actually have a lot of savings. You both must be under a lot of stress right now, and it sucks that you're dealing with your stress by getting mad at her, and she's dealing with her stress by trying to get her family into the country to help even if it eats your savings. But this situation doesn't sound like one of carelessness, but one of desperation. You two need to learn to talk about your stresses and make a gameplan in both of your interests. I'm going with ESH.

Perryperry92

I checked OP’s comment history and he owns/owned a mustang (which are expensive af), seems to have a thriving hot wheels collection and plays multiple video games (which again can be expensive if you go all out and buy extras).

This just looks like a clear case of people not understanding their financial obligations/ burdens before having children then crying about having no money to support said child.

abstractengineer2000

All i can say is that this is complete mismanagement by OP and his wife even the sister. Completely reactive, oh i require a visa after entering a country, Oh the plane checking closes earlier, Oh i require help to raise my baby, Oh my finances will be erased by paying for the plane tickets

**Judgement - ESH**

Update - a few hours later

UPDATE:

I had a conversation with my wife and it was a weight off my shoulders. We decided together to set boundaries with how much we're spending towards our in-laws. I haven't opened up the matter of her quitting her job (one problem at a time).

Some extra info: Yes I drive a Mustang (owned it for 3 years, my wife helped me buy it and it's gonna be paid off in 2 mos.). I also collect diecast using that 5% of my salary. Everything else goes to bills and to savings. The savings I'm talking about here was meant for us to migrate elsewhere but now it looks like we're back to square one in terms of saving up. We live in the UAE.

UPDATE 2:

Thanks everyone for making me realize this is the price I pay for being disengaged in the process. I should've done my due diligence and helped my wife out with checking and verifying information. Plus I never thought of looking at it from an employer/employee perspective since they're family so I looked at it through that.

Your comments made me realize it's not a you deal with your family/I deal with mine type of deal. We as a couple gotta look out for each other's backs.

UPDATE 3:

We might get some money back because the airline they initially had booked is willing to give us a refund. Apparently other passengers got affected by the 3+ hour delay and missed the plane. Silver lining I guess. This is my final update from now. Man, everyone here has been brutally honest and it stings yes, but it’s much needed. Thank you all.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OP. Original poster is /u/ and they posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old. 

Trigger warnings: Misogyny

Mood: Sad.

- April 25, 2016

Throwaway, because we are both redditors and people know us.

I need to preface this by saying that my husband is a good person. He is a wonderful father and an amazing partner. He is a hard worker and just really wants to do good work. His problem is that he's a smart guy with lots of ideas and steps of people's toes too much. I am looking for advice on how I need to better approach these conversations with him, because I am starting to feel myself pull away from him.

Before this last crazy year, my husband worked 4 years for the same company. He jumped ship after he was looked over for a promotion and pay raise twice. We both knew he was taking on a certain amount of risk, but he landed a contract to hire job at a big company where there was a lot of resources available for him to succeed, so we were not worried about it.

A few months after he started, he started complaining about his boss. He complained about how he hated being a clock puncher. Complaining that his boss was never around and she did EVERYTHING wrong and everyone seemed okay with the status quo.

I encouraged and supported him as best as I could, while encouraging him to continue to apply for other jobs and interview while he still had a job, just in case he did not want to stay there or they did not convert him to full-time after his contract was over.

Long story short, he did not keep his head down and search for other jobs, and one misstep later, his boss terminated his one year contract after 6 months for "conflicting management style".

I worked in HR. I know what that means.

His next contract gig lasted him a week, and then he approached me with the idea of not going back to work full-time, but starting his own company. It would mean spending all of the money we had saved on a downpayment for a house to support us and his business during this time.

I made him promise he would try and seek gainful employment while trying to launch his startup. He promised, and then never delivered. He did not look for any other jobs until after he was turned down for venture capital on several fronts.

He landed another contract gig after we had depleted our entire savings and racked up 10K in credit card debt.

This new job was also a one year contract to hire position. The company was going through a restructure, so all he had to do was keep his head down, do a good job, and work hard. Instead, he tried to change the way everyone did things, manage to get into a pissing match with a female employee who was BFF's with HIS BOSS and sure enough, he was called into her office after only six months on the job and fired.

I am at my wits end. I am furious and angry at hurt. How hard is it to just do your job when you have three kids and a wife at home? How hard is to to STOP ASSUMING RISK when you're already in a vulnerable position?

I am in school right now, AND I work 25 hours a week. We have three kids at home. We are also in escrow on our very first house after rebuilding our savings from last summer. Unless he starts a job next week, we are going to lose our house and we have to be out of our rental in June.

Maybe this is just an anomaly. I don't know. It feels like a pattern to me. When we met, he had been laid off from his employer and the job before that he was fired after only a few months. The only long stint he had was the four years at the larger company (and he complained about that constantly, too).

I am at my wits end. I came home from work today and he was eating ice cream sandwiches with two of our kids. I asked if he had followed up on any of his leads from last week.

Nope.

I tried talking to him about how he comes across to people (arrogant know it all) when he walks into an office and tells people they are doing things wrong and tries to make a bunch of big changes. I tried telling him he needs to find a good balance between being a leader and being a good employee. I spent a decade in HR, this is valuable knowledge that I am bringing to the table. It seems to fall on deaf ears.

Reddit, what do I do? I don't know how to handle this situation anymore. I don't know if this is a pattern of behavior, or if this is just a run of bad luck. How do I stop hating my husband for being perpetually unemployed and putting our family at risk because he can't get his shit together?

tl;dr: Husband keeps getting fired from jobs, is the major income earner, is now putting our family at risk (the deal on our house is about to fall through) and I am starting to hate him because this is a problem he can fix. How do I deal with him and my feelings overall?

Relevant Comments:

Most comments were pointing out he had problems with women telling him what to.

isstronglikebull

My brother is exactly like your husband. But you know what? My brother can't get a job to save his life now. It doesn't matter that my brother is smart or a good father, because he's been fired from every job he's had in the past three years. He's been unemployed for nine months and he places blame everywhere but himself. He is unbearable. He's a know it all. He's dug himself into a hole I'm not sure he can get out of, honestly. He couldn't even rent an apartment without a co-signer because of his work history.

Why hire the guy that's been fired? Why hire the guy that can only provide references that are five years old? You don't. Your husband needs to address his issues with a therapist. His inability to deal with authority, especially women with authority (including you), is going to ruin him career wise and potentially marriage wise.

psuedonymously

I don't know it feels like a pattern to me.

I noticed another pattern. The gender of all the people at work he can't seem to get along with.

OP

It's something I considered, but dismissed for whatever reason. The job he was at for four years, both of his supervisors were male.

He has a very dark history with his mother. But why wouldn't he display any of those behaviors with me, or our daughters if that were the case?

green7000

Your daughters aren't in a position of authority over him. The opposite is true, he tells them what to do. As for how he acts toward you, you've just told us that he doesn't want to do things your way even though what you're suggesting is what is logical and necessary.

Silly woman. You can't tell me what to do. I'm the one who know the right way to go about things.

OP

You're absolutely right. He always says he's receptive to my input but never actually seems to implement it.

Except the one time he DID take my advice and he landed an amazing job that paid him zoodles....and then he got fired.

But, you know, I'm just a woman...

littlewoolie

Actually, he does display these with you, that's why he spent your savings and racked up $10,000 of credit card debt.

AuntieCousin

OP I noticed something similar with my fiancé , though not as extreme as your situation but nonetheless I noticed it right away when you mentioned he has female bosses. My fiancé also has no relationship with his mother and they have a terrible history. After he told me stories of past employments and issues he's had I noticed and pointed out to him that he has issues with women in positions of authority, that he doesn't take my advice/suggestions even when I am knowledgeable or experienced in the topic. He also has the habit of not listening to me when I give him information and then magically my info is valid when it comes from someone else (a man of course), so irritating. I also made the connection that I believe it has to do with the dysfunction between him and his mother.

We were able to deal with those issues by going to therapy. We go together and we go individually. There will be nothing you can do on your own because you do not have the proper training and tools for him to deal with his issues. Suggest therapy, you cannot allow him to put your family in financial jeopardy, that is not fair to your children. It's something I find very unsettling about a person (with a family no less) who sabotages their job before having another already lined up. Do not buy a house just yet, there are things that need to be worked on before you put your family in a worse situation.

Also Mother's Day is approaching and that is a tough time for people who have very dark histories with their mothers. Just something to think about because my fiancé and I struggle this time of year for similar reasons.

***Small update: First, thank you everyone for your input. I took a lot of the advice here into the conversation that I had with him last night once kids were settled.

Points I took away from the chat:

1. He does not feel like he has a problem with female bosses; he thinks that shitty companies and shitty management is the problem.

2. He does not know this, but he made a comment about his job hunting that did not make sense. A recruiter had reached out to him specifically about a less than desirable job. I asked if he followed up, he said yes and that he never heard back. I snooped through his email; he never replied to the woman. He also had a recruiter contact him this evening asking about a position about a company he had specifically mentioned would not be ideal to work for. I told him it wasn't like we had a choice; he just needs a job right now regardless. So, he's lying to me now. He's acting like he has all of the time in the world to find some magical match for him on the employment front.

- May 23, 2016

Hey Reddit. I got an inbox full of requests for an update, and my original post got a lot more attention than I thought it would, so I figured I would post an update.

Unfortunately, my update is a sad one. We are going on week 5 of my husband's unemployment and he still has no job offers. He has had several prospects, quite a few phone interviews and exactly one in-person interview. As of right now, it's not looking like he will be back to work even in the next few weeks, despite having promised me every week for the last three weeks that he would have a job offer.

If he doesn't have a job offer before Wednesday, we will lose the house. To try and prepare for this, we filled out a bunch of rental applications because we have to be out of the house we are currently living in in less than three weeks. All of our applications were denied as my husband HAS NO INCOME. So it looks like we will be living in someone's basement in short order.

Several people mentioned me going back to work full-time and sadly, that is not an option. My company isn't in a position to make me a full-time offer and won't be until mid-summer (I've had this conversation with my boss). My job offer is contingent upon my continued studies, so school isn't something I can just drop right now.

Based on the advice I received here as well as from a close friend, I have tried to approach him several times about what the problem could be, or how we might try a different way of figuring this out. Every single time, I was met with being accused of stressing him out, making him anxious and eventually, getting blamed for being the source of his nervousness (which he later said affected how his phone interviews went).

I have asked if he has followed up regarding certain opportunities and he tells me I am making him anxious asking for updates so often. Yesterday, in fact, he told me that no one gets a job by following up with recruiters. Hmm.

I understand how recruitment works, but I have to ask myself how someone can dedicate the hours of 9-5 to getting a job in a highly in demand field in an area that has jobs aplenty and still come up short. ONE in-person interview? I've asked him to forgo applications on websites and reach out to these hiring managers in person. Or on LinkedIn. Or anything but the conventional means of being hired. Nope.

Probably the most infuriating thing that has happened has been a warm lead on a opportunity. The COO of a small company reached out to him regarding a job that was a job title below the job he was working at previously. He was recommended to this COO by a former co-worker of my husbands, who works at the company currently.

In the course of a month, she reached out to him 6 different times by email. He never replied to a single one of her emails. Not even a "thanks so much for considering me" type thing. He told me he didn't respond to her because he didn't have to. And that he checked them out on Glassdoor and the reviews say it is a bad place to work and that they pay below market rates, so it would be a waste of his time.

At this juncture, I am not sure what to do about my marriage. I am having a hard time focusing on work and/or school right now, I am eating everything in sight and I am trying to pack up a house that we are going to end up putting into a storage unit and I have had actual nervous breakdowns three times in the last two weeks. That, and the neighborhood gossips have caught wind of our hard times and now that there is blood in the water, they are circling.

I don't want to break up my family, but I don't want to be married to someone I can't rely on anymore. Even if he did save the day and get a job in the next week or so, we could be in the same position in the not so distant future. I've already told him I'd like to go back to counseling as soon as we have access to the funds, or benefits, or both and he has agreed, but I have no idea if this arrogant, entitled attitude towards work is something that is so deeply ingrained that it can't be worked out.

I've had enough instability in my life and I kept hoping that my marriage and our family would continue to be a source of stability and it is not. I had more stability when I was on my own. It is a sad day when the saying "the only person you can count on is yourself" really rings true.

tl;dr: Husband is still jobless, we're days away from losing our home, and he still hasn't learned a damn thing from this whole process. Still not sure what I am going to do about my marriage.

Relevant Comments:

Ethelfleda

I am so sorry. Perhaps this may be a good time to have a trial separation...you and the kids can stay with a friend but they "won't have room" for your husband. See what life is like when you don't have to manage your husband's life for him.

OP

I know what happens in that case, because I cleaned it up when we first got together.

About a year into being married, all of a sudden his paychecks stopped getting deposited into our joint account. He contacted HR and as it turns out, his wages were being garnished for unpaid medical debts before we were married.

This happened 3 weeks before Christmas, and I had to cash out a 401K to cover us until I could figure things out. I had to get in touch with the garnishees to figure out what the damage was, submit the paperwork they needed to come up with a payment plan and do all of the legwork (he was at work, he didn't have time...)

When I went down the rabbit hole, it wasn't the only debt, and long story short, he had to file Chapter 13. I handled the bankruptcy, and he went to the two meetings he had to attend in person that I could not go to on his behalf.

A year after the bankruptcy, I had built his credit back up, he had two unsecured credit cards in his name (they stay in my wallet) and a credit score of 650, which isn't great, but it is better than what it was before the bankruptcy.

So, yeah. I know what happens when I am not handling everything.

FancyPantsDancer

What I got out of your update is that your husband would rather make you and the kids homeless than get a new job. And wants to take 0 time to reflect upon what went wrong. His warm lead is a hell of a lot better than most people have and it beats being homeless.

You really need to think about walking away from him... I got the impression that he dislikes female bosses. I'm afraid he might be resentful if you become the breadwinner. At the very least, I could see him staying unemployed, chasing dreams that don't pan out while you bust your ass.

DiTrastevere

...you can't be fucking serious. This is too predictable. It's TOO predictable.

I'm so sorry, you married a brat. He can't bring himself to respect a female superior enough to SAVE YOUR HOUSE. He ignored a sure fucking thing because it just wasn't up to his princely standards. Goddamnit OP. This guy is dead weight dragging down your whole life. You know in your heart that this isn't sustainable.

epponina

I remember last post people had pointed out the fact that all the bosses your husband had issues with were women, and I see this trend continues with the COO.

I'm very sorry about your situation. I think the best thing you can do is leave him, and stay with family or friends while you finish schooling.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

TW: Sexual violence

A woman posted a , captioned that she has cuts from defending herself from a would-be rapist.

A presumed troll kicks off drama in the comments:

He should have went after you since you're so good

Okay so here’s what you need to do...Dig a 6 foot hole and bury yourself in it.

.

Another (hopefully) troll enters the fray:

You’re fucking disgusting.

Debates ensue about men being unfairly blamed:

White knight much?

What a weird thing to comment.

Probably bc the majority of rape cases are perpetrated by men. You need to chill out. Not everything is an opportunity for you to spout how everyone on earth is a misandrist and life is so unfair for men. It was probably a man.

Again what if it was a woman?

Well, this post was about a man so I'm assuming that's why they're saying that. What chip do you have on your shoulder?

Where does it say or imply its about a man? I get that its very likely but you can’t just say it like its true.

It might have been a woman

Because that's so likely.

Some people do not think it's appropriate for OOP to post this online.

Who says she didn’t go to the police? And why shouldn’t she be proud of her battle wounds?

You got a problem with beating up rapists ?

How so lol? She's already widely in the local media

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My husband is in love with his student. I have no fucking idea what to do.

Thanks to for finding the update

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, abuse of authority

Apr 18, 2024

My husband and I (both 35 rn) met in college. We fell in love and got married 8 years back. I gave birth to our daughter in 2020. My husband is a professor at this med school (he’s a doctor himself). My friend, Sarah, also works in the same college and she’s in the same department as my husband.

Few months back(in December), Sarah took me out for lunch and told me that she suspected something’s going on between my husband and this med student (25f). She claimed she’d seen both of them give ‘yearning looks’ to each other. She said that she’s known my husband for so long, and she’d never seen him talk to any other woman like this, that he’d been so aloof around women all these years, but it’s just different with this one girl.

In that moment, I had laughed at her face. I remember telling her that she’s jumping to conclusions based on these supposed ‘yearning looks’.

“That’s why I didn't tell you before", she had said,"I was confused too. It's not like he goes out of his way to talk to her but whenever they do talk, it’s like watching a slow burn romance movie. She looks at him like he’s Brad Pitt and he looks at her the way he used to look at you.” I remember the exact word’s because they stung. Internally I was breaking down, externally I just smiled and told her that she’s probably overthinking.

That night, I casually mentioned this my husband. I was laughing at the absurdity, and I expected him to join in. And deny the wild possibility that he’s in love with a student. But he didn’t. Instead he looked at me, all teary eyed, and said ‘I’m sorry’.

“ I can’t get her out of my mind. I’ve tried, trust me. I should’ve told you sooner. But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.”

I asked him if he’d cheated on me. He said no. He said he didn’t even talk to her, nor did they have any contact outside of college and that he completely understood how morally depraved it is to try and pursue a relationship with a student. She wrote him a letter about an year back, confessing her love for him and he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. Aparently that was when the ‘yearning looks’ had started.

I honestly don’t remember how I reacted then. I think I just started packing and came to live with my parents along with my daughter. I’ve been living with my parents since then. Half of me wanted him to come and beg for forgiveness. But he never did. He comes by sometimes to spend time with our daughter but that’s it. He never talks about the elephant in the room nor do I bring it up.

I keep checking that girl’s social media. She’s insanely beautiful, almost doll like, and intelligent. I can’t help but think that someone like him should be with someone like her. He’s always been very good looking and I’m more of a plain Jane. She’s the Meredith to his Derek.

I don’t know what to do. What do I even tell people? I don’t even know who I am without him. Some part of me still wants him to come back.

Edit; I’ve decided to talk to him. I know I’ve been avoiding this since months but after reading all the responses, I feel it’s time I rip that bandaid out. I’m going over to our house. I’ll update on what happens.

TL;DR husband just admitted that he’s in love with this young woman who also his student. She loves him too.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MossValley

So he didn't actually cheat? He has a crush,? If I'm understanding that right he hasn't betrayed you yet. Crushes sometimes happen that doesn't mean the relationship is over. Get therapy with him.

OOP

I mean, cheating for me isn’t just physical. He’s had crushes in the past and I’ve had crushes in the past but we’d always been upfront and then laughed about it.

This one feels like a betrayal because he was attracted to someone for more than an year, this someone gave him a freaking love letter, he told her that he’s attracted to her, and not once did he mention it to me. That’s a huge breach of trust for me and I don’t think I can look past it.

OOP Added more about her friend Sarah and what she observed

I know. He said he entirely stopped interacting with her after the letter incident. It does seem absurd but even my friend, Sarah corroborated this. She said he never went out of his way to talk to her before, and then almost entirely stopped talking. Given that Sarah and him are in the same department 24/7, and that she noticed something as small as them giving each other looks, I’m sure she would’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary. I’ve had access to his phone and his passwords throughout and he wasn’t texting or calling her either.

That’s why this feels weird lol.

Apr 20, 2024 (2 days later)

Link to previous post ;

For those who don’t wanna read the boring details : In short, I have decided to go ahead with the divorce.

Long story: The day I made the post, I met up with Sarah for dinner. I thanked her for telling me about my husband and the student, and also for being such a good friend.

I asked her about my husband. She said there’s nothing unusual. He’s been a bit withdrawn and aloof with everyone lately but that’s about it.

Yesterday I went over to my house unannounced. He was there alone in his office. I told him I wanted to talk. He said he’ll explain everything.

So apparently this woman has had a crush on him since two years; her friends ‘ship’ her with him. She would stare at him during her rotations and would blush whenever he looked or talked to her. Back then, he didn’t think much of it. Many girls have had crushes on him and he always ignored it.

About 1.5 years back, they were in the same research group thing (I don’t know how this works but there were 5-6 people along with these two). Because of this, they had to spend some time together working, and it was then that he started noticing her. He went into detail about how he was impressed with her intelligence blah blah blah and her beauty blah blah blah. The moment he realised that he had a crush on her, he dropped out of the research thing. This was a year ago.

Few weeks later, she gave him the letter confessing that she has feelings for him. The first thing he told her after reading it was ‘you can get into trouble because of this’. She didn’t care. She wanted an answer. ‘Is it all in my head’ she had asked, to which he replied with ‘it’s not just in your head, but nothing can come out of it. I hope you understand.’

That was the last time they interacted. According to him, the ‘yearning looks’ Sarah described were more of ‘awkward eye contacts’ than anything else. He told me that even though he is still attracted to her, he has no intention of pursuing any sort of relationship with her regardless whether we stay together or not. He said he’s willing to change his job and go to therapy. I told him to give me sometime to think about it.

To sum up;

1. This has been going on since three years. Not once did he mention anything to me.

2. The student and him spent a considerable amount of time last year working on the research.

3. He told her he liked her back lol.

4. He’s still very much attracted to her

And that’s why I’ve decided to go ahead with a divorce. I don’t think I can trust this man again. And a relationship without trust isn’t something I am interested in. I’ve told my parents about it. They’re not exactly on board but they’re still supportive. I’ve also contacted my lawyer about the same. It’s gonna be a long process, I believe.

That’s it. I believe this is my last update.

TL; DR ; he’s still attracted to her; I won’t ever trust him again. We’re getting a divorce.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ChanceReason6617

I'ts a crush! He is not in love.

OOP

That doesn’t matter. He crossed a line he shouldn’t have by telling her he likes her.

_thisisnotanexit

Literally I can’t believe these comments. He’s gushing about her beauty and intelligence, he told her the feeling was mutual?! He could have easily denied it to her and then kept his distance but he liked the attention.

OOP

I mean, to be fair to him, he wasn’t exactly ‘gushing’ about her. I kept asking and he kept answering.

Deal breaker for me was him telling her the feeling is mutual.

~

allbutluk

Lmao these dumbass comments “you too hasty its a cruuuuush chill”

Like stfu the man literally said “I CANT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD”

If he was commited to his wife he would have changed job PROACTIVELY not wait until now

He let it develop to a point he cant take his mind off of her and yall saying its no big deal, you guys obviously never had a real relationship

OOP

He said he didn’t change his job earlier because, quote ‘I’m a doctor and there are people counting on me. I couldn’t just walk out on them one day.’

Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’.

NEW UPDATE

July 21, 2024 (3 months later)

For context; my ex husband is a doctor and he was in love with his student for years. She was into him too and wrote him a love letter etc. When I confronted him, he told me it was a crush and that he put a stop to it as soon as he could, and that nothing physical ever happened, but the damage was done. You can read the posts on my account if you’re interested but that’s the gist. Nothing more there.

So I decided to take our daughter and permanently move to my parents house. We’re in the middle of separating now. A lot of people have told me to forgive him, and I’ve myself debated if I’m taking the correct step or not, but the trust is gone and I don’t think I want to be in a relationship with someone like him.

It’s taking a lot of strength to do this. I have lost all self esteem. Fact is that I was always insecure of how my ex was way above my league, about how I was lucky to have him, how people often said he could’ve done so much better. Over the years, my insecurities had disappeared. Now it’s all back. He’s attracted to someone so beautiful, so incredibly intelligent. And obviously she’s also into him. I keep looking at her social media all the time, obsessing over her. There was a Instagram story she uploaded where she was with my ex husband and few others, and it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. He looked happy, and he’d never looked that happy in years.

I got tired of being pathetic and even complained to the hospital management about the inappropriate relationship between her and my ex. All I got in response was that they can’t take any steps without concrete proof. Now my sad ass wants to snitch about her to her parents. To get her in trouble. To make her suffer.

I know this is unhealthy. I’m in therapy but idk, I don’t think I’m healing. I hate that I have to be sad and heartbroken over that man and he doesn’t seem to care. He’s stopped coming to visit our daughter too. I wish he would’ve cared. I wish he would’ve fought for me. I wish he would’ve not tossed aside our decade long relationship for her. I hate this. I hate everything.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MayorCharlesCoulon

If you wanted to go full petty, you could out them to her training program. Medical schools and teaching institutions frown on faculty/learner romantic relationships and consider it an abuse of power. Your husband likely had to formally evaluate her and she him, their affair (even emotional) would tip the fairness of those evals compared to the other students. I have seen married doctors fired for this kind of behavior.

Also, tell her parents. She sure as shit didn’t mind hurting you or your daughter, don’t roll over because of a misplaced sense of loyalty to your d-bag ex.

OOP

I did reach out to her training program. They basically told me that they can only take steps if I have any tangible proof. Which I don’t. I asked my friend Sarah who works in the same department as him to also complain but she’s not keen on the idea. Idk why.

Final comment from OOP

I feel like I’ve already wasted so many years on him. We met when we were 20. I thought I knew him so well but now it’s like I didn’t know him at all. I don’t understand what’s changed tbh. He’s a very good looking guy. All throughout our relationship, there have been many girls who had had crushes on him. He used to be so chill about all of it. Never made me feel insecure. Never lost his mind like this. Idk what’s happened honestly.

Does the ex FaceTime or contact the daughter

It’s a one hour flight. He does face time with her daily but he won’t do it if I’m in the room (so he does it when my mom/dad is looking after her). He’s not reached out about alone time; he’s only said he’s waiting for the court orders regarding the custody. He doesn’t wanna see me at all. We had a big fight after I reported him and that girl to her college and he said it’s not correct for our daughter to see us fighting like that again so he’s not gonna visit.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in

Short, funny post.

Thanks to for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts.

Mood Spoiler: genuinely wholesome

Original : July 26, 2024

Title: Girlfriend saw a picture of a bird- can't remember what it is but drew it. Anyone able to identify it?

Location is WI, USA, but the bird could be tropical/not of US origin

The bird was about 6 inches tall, either green or brown, with "small little eyes" at the front of its head. The weird thing is - she's a pretty good artist and she says this is "exactly what it looked like."

EDIT: She saw this picture online, so it's hard to say region wise. She's been around me and my birding enough that she said it wasn't from our region (eastern US), and was maybe tropical?

Images (descriptions are the editor's)

Description: An oval with dots for eyes and a beak

Description: Two upside-down 'u' shapes with eyes. One has what appears to be hair. Honestly they look like digletts a bit if you know Pokemon

Further Editor's note: I genuinely cannot stress enough how much these look like ovals with dots.

Top Comments:

ReasonableBees: First image says "heron," second image says "public access television channel's non-trademarked knockoff muppet"

Main_Combination8173: Ahh, yes. It's the elusive flat white Owl.

chesbyiii: That's a finger with a face drawn on it.

Interesting_Sock9142: ...I genuinely thought this was just someone trying to be cheeky. But no, this is the actual drawing someone would like us to use to ID a bird lol.

WE'RE BIRDERS, WE'RE NOT MAGIC.

Artistic-Adagio9898: I can NOT draw as good as your girlfriend however I do sculpt a bit. Here's the side view of it. Confirm with her, but I have no doubts it's a Dottie-eyed Potatobird

Description- Literally a potato bird. Its body is a potato. Its wing/tail are sliced potatoes. Its eye is a raisin. And its beak is something I can't quite identify. Probably more potato.

Relevant Comments from OOP:

OOP: She saw it online, apparently? She's been a birder with me casually, so she's able to identify AI birds pretty well. This was a 'real bird' she saw. She said brown coloring, maybe green. Around 6 inches tall. However, she said it wasn't a potoo, or owl, or a nightjar

About a half hour later:

OOP: I thought Kiwi too- not kiwi. So for those keeping score at home it isn't:-Willow flycatcher-Belted Kingfisher-Pootoo (Any)-Nightjar (Any)-Owl (Any)

Commenter: What about a cedar waxwing?

OOP: I thought this at first, but she's thankfully a good enough birder of Eastern US birds-- she's adamant that it's a tropical bird/Western bird not of Eastern US origin. However, this is maybe a red herring, too lol

Commenter: Is it possible it's ai generated ?

OOP: See this is what I was wondering, but we're pretty avid birders, and I believe she's savvy enough to have identified it as AI if that makes sense. She's adamant it was real, not AI. It also wasn't like 'cute' in the way AI drawings are, and also wasn't colorful- she claims it was brown or green.

Mini Update in : 1 hour later

UPDATE:

Thanks everyone for all your help!!

So for those wondering, it isn't a Kakapo, which was my best guess. It wasn't Quetzal, which was my second best guess. It also isn't an owl, bittern, heron, titmouse, woodcock, flycatcher, parakeet, nightjar, waxwing or kingfisher. I may be missing one here, but I'm trying to respond as best I can to everyone's suggestions! I'm showing her birds like we're identifying a perp at a police lineup.

Additionally, she saw the picture online, but I'm somewhat confident it wasn't an AI bird (she's tech savvy, and could identify one of these AI birds pretty well. It also has none of the hallmarks of an AI bird ie, not colorful, not 'cute' in the way that they are.

I should also add that the bird was in a tree- in retrospect I realize how hard it is to tell that from the incredibly detailed picture we provided, lol.

She's said that IntheWoods2020 is the closest image wise- which leads me to believe that the bird is just at a weird angle in the photo she saw. It's entirely possible we've looked at the brid already, but because the angle she saw was so direct we just can't find a pic that matches it exactly quite yet.

Again, thank you!! I'll do my best to keep digging through her search history/views and see if we can find it that way!! I don't want anyone else to live through the agony we're currently enduring lol.

(IntheWoods2020 )

Update 2: 2 hours from OG post

UPDATE 2: SOLVED!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys again, thank you so much!! After ovenmittromney commented the head-on Green Heron, I did a little more digging and found the EXACT picture she saw! From Bill Wimley on Instagram: it's a +Least Bittern+ !!!!!!!

I see now where she was confused by the angle- I had originally showed her a Bittern/Green Heron, but had the angle all wrong!!!! Thanks again for all your help!!!

Descriptions of images are still the editor's:

Description: it... honestly looks surprisingly like the drawing. Somehow. Just without color. It's an oval with eyes. It's a bird facing the camera looking like a flat circle and like it's going through a rough period in its life and wants to scream.

Credited photographer:

Top Comment:

SilentSamurai: Me seeing the post: "Lol, this is the most generic drawing of a bird of all time. These comments should be good."

OP: "We solved it!"

Me:

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now deleted

Originally posted to

AITA for keeping the promise I made my kids at the expense of my stepdaughter?

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: physical assault, bullying, death of loved one, domestic abuse, stalking, parental neglect

: July 25, 2024

I, 43f, have two children. “Sarah” 17f and “Aiden” 15m. Nine years ago, my late husband passed away in a fatal car crash. I was devastated. I was afraid for my kids to grow up without a father and I was afraid to be alone. Luckily, my family stepped up, my brother-in-law acted as a surrogate father for my kids. My sister and BIL do not have kids of their own, but were happy to help us out.

Five years ago, I met my now husband 47m and his daughter, “Elizabeth” 17f at a friends housewarming party. I was hesitant to date again, but I took things slow, making sure he was a good man to be around my kids. I discussed my kids feelings with them along every important milestone and made sure they were comfortable with my husband and stepdaughter. When he proposed, and I spoke to my kids about how they felt, only one request (the promise) was made. I would make sure that my kids and I had time together just the three of us still. I agreed to take my children out twice a month, just the three of us, with exceptions if need be.

As my kids remember their father, and Elizabeth’s mother was still in her life, we made a rule that neither of us would try to be parents to our step kids. We are responsible for our bio kids. This was discussed with all the children together. Our kids are also allowed to choose how they feel about one another, whether or not they wished for a sibling relationship or something else. It’s not up for my husband and I to decide.

Back to present time, I still regularly take my kids out twice a month for an adventure with the three of us. This could be going out to dinner, a movie, the zoo, etc. I also take Elizabeth with me for some things, such as getting our nails done, shopping, volunteering. Sometimes my kids will come along as well. My husband and I are still responsible for our own kids. We parent them differently, but that’s what is causing the problems.

We are each in charge of:

Grades

Party Planning

Rewards

Punishments

Special parent-child time.

Chore lists

Curfews/rules

The issue is, I am far more active in my kids lives than my husband is. I regularly celebrate my children, go to all their events, keep on top of their grades. I know where my kids are, I listen to their concerns, and speak about their lives. My husband doesn’t do those things for my stepdaughter. I think I underestimated how much this is creating tension between our kids.

Elizabeth and Aiden don’t interact with one another. Elizabeth and Sarah absolutely despise one another. Sarah and Aiden are best friends.

My husband came to me yesterday and said we needed to talk about how Sarah and Aiden (mostly Sarah) treat Elizabeth. He pointed out several instances of exclusionary behavior.

Such as:

Sarah driving Aiden around but not Elizabeth.

Sarah and Aiden deciding to have the two bedrooms across the house from Sarah. (Originally Aiden and Elizabeth would’ve had them)

Sarah not inviting Elizabeth on her birthday trip to Cedar Point despite them having the same friend group.

Sarah spending money buying Aiden gifts but not Elizabeth.

Aiden refusing to allow Elizabeth to use his technology.

Sarah and Aiden only doing things Elizabeth doesn’t enjoy while at home or stopping when Elizabeth wants to join.

Aiden refusing to cook for Elizabeth.

Sarah buying all three of them locks for their bedroom doors, which my husband claims was only to make it look like Sarah did something nice for Elizabeth.

My husband claimed that I was the cause of this problem by setting the example of excluding Elizabeth with the promise I made to my kids. He demands that I stop the practice and start to treat Elizabeth like my own kid. I said no, as that is not part of our agreement, Elizabeth isn’t the one asking me, he isn’t willing to step up and act as a father to my kids, and my children come first, I will always make them feel valued.

I’m the only one who ever plans anything for the kids. Since we’ve bought a house together, he has only planned birthday parties for Elizabeth. Nothing else. He doesn’t plan family trips, dinners, celebratory events, none of that. I know he won’t put in any effort for my kids as he barely does for his own. When I’ve brought this up to him in the past, he said it’s not my problem and reminds me of our agreement.

Oh and since I didn’t add it in, I’m going to speak to both of my kids separately and then together to get to the bottom of their behavior.

So AITA for refusing to break the promise to my kids?

Relevant Comments

Far-Season-695: So info didn’t you see how he treated Elizabeth before you guys got more serious? Your NTA but I’m curious about what you saw before you got married

OOP: My husband and his ex wife had 50/50 custody. He usually spent time with me (dates) on the weeks where he didn’t have his daughter. And on the weeks that he did, it started with me, husband, and her only, and then slowly introducing my kids into more of a blended structure.

HeartAccording5241: I see how you commented he didn’t do anything for your kids he said they aren’t my kids but wants you to include her what a hypocrite

PerceptionQuirky3444: NTA I guess but did you not see how low effort his parenting was before you married him, since you took it slow etc? Maybe it’s just me, but I would have a very hard time respecting my partner if he was such a bare minimum father to his child.

: July 26, 2024

Wow. Hi all. I did not expect this to blow up nor did I expect to be posting again after only 24 hours. A lot has happened in that time.

First I want to address some information that was previously left out in my original post. It seems I am not a very good writer. I also apologize in advance for using a lot of lists in this post, it helps me think to have things written out.

One, Aiden is a boy. I accidentally wrote 15f, but I fixed that. My mistake.

Two, both my husband and I were unaware of the dynamic in our household. We both work long hours during the week and don’t spend much time together at home. For context, my work schedule is 8-6 Mon-Thurs, I have Fridays and Sundays off, and the option to come in on Saturdays when I wish to. My kids and I go to sleep around 8-9, Elizabeth stays up a little later, and my husband goes to sleep around 7. He works 12 hour shifts from 6-6 every day and wakes up for work around 5. He also has Fridays and Sundays off. I usually plan for the weekends on Monday, which we typically are out of the house for. We as in me (always) my kids, stepdaughter, and hubby.

Three, I do spend time with my stepdaughter, as stated in the previous post.

Four, my husband and Elizabeth have different ideas of spending time together. For me and my kids, it’s getting out of the house. For those two, it’s staying home, playing board games or watching a movie. This activity started because my husband wasn’t in a good financial situation post-divorce and he couldn’t afford to take her out often. So they did spend a lot of time together.

Five, Elizabeth’s mother (Bailey) is in jail and has been for five months. She committed a small crime and was sentenced to a year. She keeps in contact with Elizabeth via phone calls, letters, and visitation. Saturdays are usually spent now with me and Elizabeth going to visit Bailey, unless I need to work. Her father doesn’t bring her.

Six, my kids and Elizabeth did get along. The exclusion doesn’t happen during family trips or when I’m around.

Seven, Sarah has a car but Elizabeth doesn’t, though she has a license. Sarah has been working since she was 15 and I agreed that I would pay half+insurance, while Sarah pays the other half+gas.

Eight, Aiden was also not on the cedar point trip. I paid for most of the cost but Sarah helped and a lot of the other girls parents+kids chipped in as well.

Nine, I am more strict with my kids than my husband is with Elizabeth. They have a curfew, grade expectations, safety regulations, etc.

I think that’s it but I might add some if I think of anything else. I am also going to address the previous points. These are not justifications, just how I see them along with more clarification.

Sarah driving Aiden around but not Elizabeth.

-Aiden does not have a license and has multiple outside activities. Elizabeth drives either mine or my husbands car.

Sarah and Aiden deciding to have the two bedrooms across the house from Sarah. (Originally Aiden and Elizabeth would’ve had them)

-Our house has two master bedrooms and two regular bedrooms. Sarah was going to have one of the masters, but she insisted Elizabeth take it, her reasoning being she won’t have to share a bathroom with her stepbrother. The two masters are on the main floor, the regular rooms are on the second floor. (Literally just a hallway with bedrooms and a bathroom.)

Sarah not inviting Elizabeth on her birthday trip to Cedar Point despite them having the same friend group.

-Said in point 8

Sarah spending money buying Aiden gifts but not Elizabeth.

-I don’t see a problem with this. Sarah earns her own money, she can spend it as she pleases.

Aiden refusing to allow Elizabeth to use his technology.

-He and Sarah are both gamers but Aiden is 10x more invested in it than Sarah.

Sarah and Aiden only doing things Elizabeth doesn’t enjoy while at home or stopping when Elizabeth wants to join.

-Not sure but defo not okay.

Aiden refusing to cook for Elizabeth.

-Aiden cooked a lot as a kid and developed a passion for it. He cooks dinner for the entire fam (including Elizabeth) and will cook separate things on Sarah’s request, like lunch or breakfast, and she will also buy him ingredients for new recipes either of them wish to try.

Sarah buying all three of them locks for their bedroom doors, which my husband claims was only to make it look like Sarah did something nice for Elizabeth.

-This one I also see no issue with. Privacy is important and all three installed their locks.

Update:

I spoke with all three kids last night separately and told them all to write a list of things they want to address in today’s family meeting. I found out a lot that absolutely shocked me when I spoke privately.

For the family meeting, we all sat down in the living room. I asked Elizabeth to speak first, since she is the one who is upset and without explanation for her behavior. She reiterated the statements above, and added some things on her list.

Elizabeth’s List:

Movie nights upstairs without her

Refusing to drive her to school/leaving without her.

(Sarah) refusing to invite her to hang out with their friends or lying about where she was going.

(Sarah) having a group chat without her.

Refusing to even attempt a sibling relationship with her.

Putting locks on their doors and using the bathroom to be able to visit each other/hang out.

Gaming without her.

Elizabeth said she felt as if they hated her and wanted her gone. She said she is just as worthy of a parent as Sarah and Aiden were, and how it’s unfair that we get to be a family and she doesn’t have one.

Sarah (very rudely) asked if she honestly felt she has any less of a family then she and Aiden do.

Elizabeth was going to say something else, but my husband stepped in and asked Sarah to read her list.

Though Sarah told me last night about what Elizabeth had been doing, I didn’t expect how blunty she would bring it up.

Sarah’s List:

Breaking into their bedrooms and stealing their stuff/food.

Insisting on sharing clothes/matching.

Insisting on a sibling relationship when already declined by both.

Following her around school and forcing herself into Sarah’s friend group despite being told multiple times to leave them alone.

Threatening to go to teachers/me and hubby if they didn’t.

Stealing and then ruining Sarah’s makeup.

Telling my kids they should be happy their father died because now they have her dad and a sister.

Making in appropriate comments towards anime characters out loud while watching together (this includes minors)

Insisting Aiden has a crush on her.

Getting handset with Aiden and then getting defensive when Sarah interviens/calls her out for doing so. (This is the real reason Sarah insisted on the bedroom situation.)

Purchasing two fun items and giving one two Sarah after she confessed to a crush on TV.

Throwing a fit whenever she loses in a game or any form of competition.

Refuses to study/spend time on school and then complaining when she doesn’t get good grades.

Expecting me to step up and do everything for her, even though I do not do those things for even my own kids, instead of her father.

Constantly being late getting ready for school and then being upset they don’t wait for her.

Flirting with Sarah’s boyfriend at the time because “sisters share everything.”

Refusing to get a job or do anything worthwhile while being jealous of both kids accomplishments.

When she was done, I asked Aiden if Elizabeth was really trying to touch him. He didn’t answer at first, but after a moment said yes. Elizabeth denied it immediately, but Sarah shut her down and said she wasn’t finished speaking.

Sarah told Elizabeth that she was a disgusting human being, that she thinks she can get away with anything she wants but she can’t. None of their “friends” like her and wouldn’t be around her if Elizabeth didn’t make them. That she was spoiled and entitled. That if she ever tried to do anything with her brother, Sarah and everyone else would make her life living hell.

I stopped Sarah there, as I don’t tolerate threats of violence. Elizabeth said it’s not fair, that she and Sarah have similar interests, and that she’s only treated worse because she’s ugly and Sarah isn’t. “When you do it, it’s cool. When I do it, it’s trashy and weird.” Sarah argued back, saying it doesn’t have anything to do with her looks, shes just a bad person.

Elizabeth brought up how Sarah is the bad one, purposefully excluding her, spending time with me separately, refusing to acknowledge her in the house she lives in, refusing to accept her and her father as family, that they both lost a parent.

Sarah: “My dad is dead. He’s never coming back. Your mom is in jail. You speak with her daily. See her every week. It’s not the same at all.”

Elizabeth: “It is the same! I share my dad, you’re just bitching that you have to share your mom now.”

Sarah: “At least my dad didn’t choose to leave me. Your mom had a choice and I can see why she chose it.”

Elizabeth slapped Sarah. Aiden punched Elizabeth. Husband shoved Aiden into a mirror hung on the wall.

I started screaming at my husband to keep his hands off of my children while telling my kids to go pack a bag. Kids ran off, Elizabeth followed them, husband and I were screaming at each other. I could hear Elizabeth pounding on their doors and crying. After a lot of yelling my husband slapped me, then Sarah started screaming at Elizabeth (apparently Aiden was putting the bags in the car) and the girls disappeared, I found them in my bedroom fighting because Sarah was packing a bag for me. I told Sarah to go wait in the car while I pack. She hesistantly obeyed, I packed my bag while husband and Elizabeth were screaming at me, then left. Sarah was on the curb in the drivers seat, so I let her drive away and then told her to switch with me. My son had to be taken to the hospital as the mirror had cut him.

Aiden needed 17 stitches and has a concussion. I am pressing charges against my husband and filing for separation and divorce immediately.

I’m currently writing this from our hotel room. I spoke to Sarah and asked why she didn’t bring any of this up previously. She told me that Elizabeth only started acting like that after husband had already proposed, and both she and Aiden wanted me to be happy, because they’d seen how depressed I was after my late husband died.

This obviously broke my heart. I told her (and later Aiden) that they are my happiness. Sarah argued and said that since I’d made so many sacrifices it’s only fair that they did too. I promised her that she never needs to sacrifice anything for me, as I am their mother. Sarah started crying, apologizing and just saying how she never meant for me to lose another husband and that she never would’ve let Aiden get hurt. I kept reassuring her the whole ride to our hotel.

My kids are asleep now. I’m scared. Neither husband nor Elizabeth has contacted me. I’m not sure if I want them to.

That’s it for now. Thanks all for the comments.

Question: Should I go to the jail and speak to Bailey? It seems my husband didn’t know about Elizabeths behavior and I didn’t either. So I just want answers.

Relevant Comments

Kindly_Rephrase: Good grief. I’m glad you’re all safe. Definitely file charges, make sure you get copies of the medical records (the hospital should have reported it and had police taking a report while kiddo got stitches, abuse of a minor isn’t something they typically disregard), seek a restraining order, and use the resources available for victims. A friend had a similar situation and she got to move back home, and was awarded a victims advocate, a lawyer for help pressing charges and going through the process, and a divorce attorney. Yes if you make more than legal aid will allow you’ll pay for the divorce attorney yourself, but use all resources available and use their referrals when you have to pay out of pocket. This exists for people in your situation for a reason.

My friend was advised to send copies of the police report and PFA to husbands ex. No direct contact, just use the mail system. You should ask about this as well. Not only does this involve her and her child, but friend’s ex was able to fill in a lot of blanks that are being used as history and proof that this isn’t an isolated event. Your STBX’s ex may say he sucked but nothing like that, but she also has a child that’s looking at having an incarcerated dad and needs to get her ducks in a row. If said child isn’t dealing with legal problems of her own, they could all get a release date together as one happy dysfunctional family.

Report both to the police, your husband isn’t the only abuser and your daughter deserves justice too, seek protection and assistance. You can get reimbursed for the hotel, financial assistance to pay his bills while unable to live in his home, free therapy for all three of you, and more just by asking for charges. You aren’t alone.

OOP: I did file a police report at the hospital. Nobody has said anything to me though about if police contacted my husband. I’ve never been in a legal matter like this so I’m not sure what happens now.

Asleep_Koala_3860: Who does your home belong to?

OOP: We purchased it together a few months before our wedding. So it’s in both of our names.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Well. THAT title Escalated quickly!

Anyway,

Background

“We knew that for that story, we needed a famous, beautiful, successful woman…,” head writer and executive producer Jessica Gao told TVLine of the guest-casting. “We were going through all the possibilities… but when it came down to it, Jameela [Jamil, who plays Titania] knew Megan from working on [HBO Max’s] Legendary together, and she brought her up. We were like, ‘Don’t say it if it’s not really true! Don’t tease us with this!'”

MTS’ appearance would not be limited to just that one cutaway, though. For in the mid-credits bonus scene, Jen-as-She-Hulk (played by Tatiana Maslany) shared an office dance party with the rapper, leading to bountiful, side-by-side twerking.

“The dancing was actually added to the script on the day, because Tatiana was so excited,” Kat Coiro, who directed Episode 3, shared with TVLine. “She’s the world’s biggest Megan Thee Stallion fan and we were like, ‘We’ve gotta give her something,’ so they threw together this dancing scene.”

“Yeah, that was me! That was all me,” a laughing Maslany told us of her role in bringing the She-Hulk dance party to life. Sharing such a moment with Megan Thee Stallion, she added, “was a dream come true.”

“It was like one of my absolute top moments on set, of anything I’ve ever done,” the Emmy winner avowed. “I was shaking and I was nervous, and then the music played and I was like, ‘I’m in a Megan Thee Stallion music video!'”

And to be clear, though it was the 6-foot-7 She-Hulk shaking what her momma (…and some gamma-radiated blood) gave her, on set it was the 5-foot-4 Maslany shimmying whilst wearing her motion-capture suit.

“Yes, she’s a CGI character in that [scene],” director Coiro notes, “but that is all Tatiana twerking, 100 percent.”

Edit: I'm getting so much hate over not liking one joke. Jesus. Can't I not like at least one joke because you give accusations I dislike Deadpool or something? I love the Deadpool films. I just think twerking is cringe. That all. I don't hate comedy or the MCU. It's the opposite.

Responses

"Why do you need to be here?" "To say twarking is cringe like you."
/

Person who is literally obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog out here calling other people's interests cringe...ok bud
/

Y'all need help

they made The Hulk and Red She-Hulk have sex in public while a giant eyeball man watches them and don't forget "Twincest" between Quicksilver and Scarlet while Wolverine was hiding in the bushes, watching them make love

Don't forget the part in old man Logan where Bruce banner and Jenn walters have incest babies.

/

"haha wtf did i just read"

/

"Average marvel storyline."

In 1978's Ms. Marvel #19, written by Chris Claremont, Carol Danvers finds herself pregnant with a baby that reaches full term in three days, and she has no memory of who the father was. She eventually learns that her child is Marcus, the son of the alien Immortus. He used a combination of a mind-control machine and attempted seduction to rape her and impregnate her with himself, so he can free himself from semi-Limbo. After being reborn as a human, he eventually aged into adult Marcus again, and they went to an alternate dimension together.

/

"did an AI generate this story lol"

/

In Spider-Man: Reign Peter Parker gave up being a superhero after the death of his wife Mary Jane Watson.

He was responsible for it due to his radioactive sperm. It turns out that every time they had sex, he was infecting her with radioactive fluids, eventually killing her in a horrible way. On top of that, Peter confessed all of this while cradling his wife's rotting corpse.

Twerking, twerking is nothing. You didn't saw what real marvel is.

Like first ant-man, Hank Pym, having sex with his wife while been being reduced to the size of a clitoris.

Would you go into a thread on a meat sub titled, "How Does Everyone Like to Cook Their Veal?"

Flair

• Stallion Thee Megan

• I, too, fear women having fun.

• If your comment were a in Wikipedia article, that particular claim would be followed by [by whom?]

• "My show with wizards is not serious enough" M'kay.

• I like to do my basic research on sexist chuds.

• You should be ashamed of even thinking of offering wieners, you dipshit

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH for informing my parents that my (21F) best friend (21M) kicked me out of our apartment because his girlfriend (21F) asked him to?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior

  July 24, 2024

Sorry, bit of a confusing title but this is still fresh and I’m still dealing with things. I’m just using this to get this off my chest mainly, but if I can get some validation too, then that’d be good.

So I (21F) have been friends with (21M, Mike, fake name) for 16 years. We became friends officially in kindergarten but our parents were college friends.

I honestly can’t even call him a best friend, he’s like a sibling, and in a way we were raised as siblings. Group family holidays, sleepovers, family vacations on both sides. At one point we even all lived together for a year.

I’m saying this because I know some people will ask. No, there’s been no crushes or feelings on either side, AT ALL. We haven’t kissed, confessed feelings or had crushes. It’s been strictly sibling like, and im saying that now because of what Mikes girlfriend has been saying.

Me and Mike share an apartment together near campus as we both attend college together. Around 7 months ago, Mike met his girlfriend, (21F April, fake name).

Now, I thought we got along okay, I’ve only met her a couple of times because she has anxiety, but I had NO problem at all with her until recently besides some minor things.

Sometimes, she would interject when Mike would call me his sister. It wasn’t always, but normally like “well, technically you aren’t siblings” which is 100% true, but it’s how we’ve viewed each other since we were kids.

So almost a month ago, my class got cancelled so I came home early, I walk in and right on the couch is Mike and April having sex. I scream, run to my room and frantically yell at Mike via text. He apologised, said he thought I would be gone longer, I made him clean the couch, all good right?

No, April for some reason got upset, and felt that (her words) I did that on purpose (despite it never happening before) And that it was inappropriate of me to walk in on them. Again, this was in the LIVING ROOM, absolutely disgusting in my opinion but I moved on. Because it’s not a big deal, embarrassing, but nothing crazy.

Anyway, Mike has been stressed recently because April had been asking him to distance from me, I thought she was just embarrassed, which I’d understand, so I tried being friendly and apologised.

Well last weekend, Mike sat me down and basically said that I had to move out, because his girlfriend was upset with me living with him. I was FLOORED.

I got so upset, I don’t think I’ve yelled and cried that much in my life.

The basics is that he doesn’t want me to, but he’s pressured from his girlfriend and he really loves her, so he wants to make her happy. He thinks that this shouldn’t change our friendship and that he’s just putting some distance between us.

See, if he had asked me to move out, I’d understand, okay yeah, maybe you want to take your relationship to the next level, okay. But it was a DEMAND. And not only that, he wanted to put space between our friendship.

It was so fucking hurtful, I’ve known him for 16 years and that’s it? I’m gone for someone he’s known for 7 months?

I said he was choosing a short relationship over his sister, and that I don’t want him to contact me if he’s going to be like that, he said I was overreacting, but I called my parents and got them to pick me up

Literally thank god they don’t live far away, but like, what if they did? What did he expect me to fucking do? Just sleep outside or something?

Anyway, I obviously had to tell my parents what was going on given they had to pick me up and I was an emotional mess. I told them everything, which caused a bit of an arguement when they went to pick up some of my things the next day.

They called Mikes parents and kind of chewed them out a little, and from my understanding they called Mike and did the same. Mike messaged me to say that he was upset I couldn’t be ‘civil’ and that he feels like IM throwing away a friendship. I blocked him shortly after.

I’ve taken some time off classes but I’m so fucking hurt and upset. It hurts that he could just throw me away so easily.  I don’t think I did anything wrong telling my parents, but I think it may have crossed a line when they phoned Mikes parents. Like I said previously, our parents are really close, and it’s kind of messed with their friendship now. His parents have been really kind and apologetic, even though it’s not their fault, and a part of me feels like I made this into a bigger mess?

Sorry if it’s a bit chaotic, I’m on phone and still a bit emotional.

Also, I know I didn’t have to leave, me and Mike both pay an equal amount of rent for the apartment, but I didn’t want to stay in a place that I wasn’t wanted. It would have just made it difficult and worst case scenario, he’d leave which would have put a financial strain on me.

TL;DR - I walked in on my friend (practically sibling) having sex with his girlfriend in the living room, his girlfriend is uncomfortable now and thinks I did it on purpose, My friend asked me to move out, so I told my parents who told his. He’s upset I couldn’t be civil.

Edit - I read you all loud and clear, thank you for waking my ass up. I’ve talked to my landlord, she said that she was uncomfortable with April moving in because she doesn’t know her. I understood, so I am moving my ass back tomorrow. I unblocked Mike and informed him, I explained that until our landlord says otherwise, I’m staying. Either he can leave and get a new place and keep paying the rent, or we can end our agreement together, and if our landlord agrees they can start one. He replied ‘okay, we can talk about it tomorrows’ so, we see.

THANK YOU all so much for getting me up and going. I really had no idea how serious this situation could be until you all let me know how stupid I was being. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable I’m not wasting my money.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP replying to a downvoted commenter is she is a prude and may he the AH here

This is insane to me. Yeah, it was fucking disgusting, I screamed when I saw it because it WAS gross.

Not because they were having sex, I’m 21 years old. It’s gross because he’s like a brother, fucking on the couch I paid for in front of me. It was nasty to see. I don’t care what was going on, take it to the bedroom. And again, they’ve been dating for 7 MONTHS. This isn’t the first time they’ve fucked, we obviously have a system, one that he didn’t abide by.

I’m sorry but acting like I’m weird for being upset that they were fucking in our public space is so weird to me. I sit in that space, I use it too, no reason they couldn’t take it to the bedroom.

If they cant live with spontaneous sex then boo fucking hoo 🙄 they can move out, easy and simple solution. I don’t understand why I have to be uncomfortable so that they can be happy.

I’m sorry, I appreciate all comments made because it gives me a better insight, but this one is so weird to me. I’m a problem because I don’t want them fucking on MY furniture? Oh, okay.

  July 26, 2024

Thank you all for the amazing advice. I was hesitant to even upload on Reddit but I’m really glad I did. I honestly can’t believe how naive I was and you all probably saved me a lot of trouble 😭

So, onto the update. I came back to the apartment yesterday morning. I let Mike know beforehand and asked if April not be there so we could talk alone.

Mike was quite emotional and apologetic which surprised me a little. I found out a bit more information that makes a bit more sense now. Mike has been under a lot of pressure for awhile now to drop me, he thought that me moving out and distancing himself would be enough to appease April while still keeping our friendship.

Obviously he didn’t expect me to take it the way I did (although what other way would I take it?) and he didn’t expect me to leave that day. I mean yeah, he didn’t specifically say “Pack your shit and leave now”, but saying “you need to leave”. And saying that he wanted distance over our 16 year relationship out of nowhere makes me feel like I couldn’t have just gone to bed normally, you know?

I’ve read everyone’s comments so many times, I’ve drilled it into my head, so as much as it hurts, I’m keeping my distance from Mike at the moment. The fact that he never once told me about April wanting him to not talk to me, and he didn’t even consider my circumstances before asking me to leave (where else could I go?) It’s not a definite end of our friendship, but I’m not feeling pretty positive.

Anyway. he’s apologised, he said that he missed me while I was gone and that he knew he fucked up after he told me to leave, but that he just wanted to make April happy since he could see a future with her.

April has lost her shit (to put it mildly) and she threw up a storm in the lobby of our apartment last night. Mike refused to let her in, which understandably made her lose her shit even more.

TONS of colourful words thrown about on both ends. Im a ‘homewrecker’ a ‘whore’ a ‘bitch’, which is laughable. Anyway she’s not to be allowed into our apartment now period, at least until he decides on their relationship.

Mike has been pretty upset today,  he wants space from April because he said that he wants to end the relationship. VERY surprising but I’m cautiously optimistic, since I’m not sure how willing he’ll be.

We’ve had a bit of a heart to heart. Regardless of how upset and hurt I am, he’s my brother, I’m trying to be a bitch like I wanted too when I moved back in, but it’s so fucking hard when he’s all mopey and sad. I told him that if he continues seeing her, I’m putting some distance between us respectfully to avoid this happening again, he said he doesn’t want that.

I talked with my landlord before moving back, she didn’t want April moving in as she doesn’t know her, she was a bit upset that this situation was happening as she didn’t want ‘drama’ which I understand. I’ve moved back and Ive discussed the lease with Mike. We renew in September (or that was the plan) so now we’re deciding on how to go ahead.

I feel like it’ll be best for me to get my own place. Maybe this was long overdue to be honest, although Mike is saying that he wants us to continue being roommates next year, so we’re discussing this at the moment.

It’s not really a super dramatic update but at least the leasing issue has been solved. I’m not being kicked out or leaving until our lease is done, April isn’t coming over for the foreseeable future. Only issue right now is my relationship with Mike.

It’s VERY awkward in the apartment. You can tell somethings changed, he’s been trying to be friendly like we were before all of this, and he’s apologised a lot which I appreciate. BUT I’m finding it a bit difficult to move on and go back to normal. I’m not being a bitch or mean, just slightly distant.

Anyway, that’s the update, I really want to thank you all again for making me realise how serious this could be, I honestly had no idea that you couldn’t just switch who was renting which is so embarrassing 😭

Also, to that one woman in my dms and comments spam messaging me you’re insane. I don’t know who hurt you but get a life please. This isn’t even that serious.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

crissyb65

Mike needs to learn to drop anyone who tries to come between him and a healthy familial relationship.

As a mom, I like you two being roommates because you're less likely to have trouble with aggressive men. I'm a girl mom and think of these things.

For Mike, its a great way to judge is the woman he is dating is psycho. :-/

OOP

Honestly that was one of the main reasons why we moved in together when we started college! Mike and my family was worried about me having a place to myself, and Mikes parents wanted me to keep an eye on him.

~

roadkill4snacks

Did mike break down and explain how he changed from “seeing a future with her” to “wants to end the relationship”?

Understanding his reasoning process may help to rebuild trust and demonstrate maturing of Mike.

Was it the tantrum? Damage to the friendship? Damage to the relationship with his parents and your parents?

If he was older and wiser, i think: the insecurity of April; the inability to communicate, negotiate and resolve conflict would be relationship red flags.

OOP

He said that it was the few days that I was gone and had him blocked. That it put into perspective how much he missed me and that he imagined the next 30 years of his life like this. I’m not entirely sure, even I was surprised by the switch up, because even I thought that there would be drama between us when I came back.

Why OOP and Mike aren't together

Because me and Mike don’t view each other like that, it’s really just that simple. I see a lot of people asking the same thing, it the very least he’s like a step sibling, at most a brother to me. Nothing has happened between either of us and it never will. It’s so confusing why some people aren’t getting that.

No, as far as I know it hasn’t, although there’s only been two other relationships before April. They both ended on pretty good terms and none of them had issues with me. I can maybe see our relationship being taken the wrong way, as we are affectionate, but again, siblings, if I had a brother or sister it’s the same type of affection I’d show them

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Background

In 2014, Marty O’Donnell was fired from Bungie, which came as a shock given that he was credited as the famed composer behind the iconic Halo theme, and much of the music for Bungie’s new game, Destiny. Now, after ten years and many other controversies later, O’Donnell has just announced that he’s running for congress as a Republican in Nevada, challenging a Democratic incumbent.

If you’re expecting to find a logical throughline from there to here, you won’t, and this comes as kind of a surprise to well, everyone. O’Donnell launched his campaign late on Sunday night with a Twitter Blue-length post about why he was running, which included a lot of traditional Republican language:

“The sad reality is that many children in our country are suffering. Years of ridiculing and demeaning old fashioned “family values” have taken a toll. Our society’s strength, fundamentally linked to the vitality of the family structure, has been eroded. I want to champion the traditional family as critical for a child’s development and success.”

This positioning does not seem to surprise many who have worked with O’Donnell, who again, has a long, rocky history with his ex-employer Bungie, fired in 2014 after many disputes over the use of the game’s music and audio workload on the game. He sued and won back vested shares of stock. Then he and fellow composer Michael Salvatori sued Microsoft in 2020 over unpaid music royalties, which they settled in 2022. In 2021, O’Donnell was found in contempt of court for sharing music from the first Destiny game which was in violation of the original lawsuit after his firing, and he had to pay $100,000 for that. So in short, no, you probably won’t see many cheering on his campaign over at Bungie.

If by different stance you mean transphobia, anti-abortion, and general hateful views then yes.

OP on makes the following post:

Just bought a new car a few days ago and they absolutely hounded me towards the end of the deal about syncing the car with the app.

They kept trying to sell me how great the app was how it comes with 3 month of voice nav, remote start from any where, check fuel levels, etc. I kept telling them I was not interested in any of that but they didn't get the picture. 3 different people at the dealership at different times was forcing me to download the app and connect with the Vin, etc.

• Salesman

• Finance manager

• New car Sales Director

Infact, the sales director actually came out of no where and interrupted while I was signing papers in the finance office to tell me that if I don't connect the car with the app, the salesman "won't get paid". His exact words.

So I stopped signing and asked the director blatantly if this was going to make or break the deal, please let me know so I can leave if so. He said no. That's how much they were pushing the issue about this.

So now days later, I'm still getting phone calls and texts about syncing the car with the app. Once again, I have no interest in doing this and don't plan on doing it.

Are they going to make my life hell? Hold my plates? Forcibly sign up for me unknowingly?

On , only verified car salespeople are able to make top-level comments. Every salesperson who replies to the thread is swiftly downvoted:

(-252) You make it sound like they aren’t even charging you for this, why not just download the app?

(+208) Because he doesn't want the car manufacturer's app/spyware on his phone, connected to his car, which could possibly violate his Fifth Amendment rights in a court case should one happen. If a manufacturer wants this, let them make it a condition of sale. Otherwise....bug off.

(-262) Just another thing for the manufacturer to hold over the dealership / salesperson's head. It's not going to hurt you to install and register an app.

One Audi salesperson replies, and starts commenting all over the thread about how critical it is that OP install the app. Keep in mind that OP did not buy an Audi.

(-252) Just sync the app and then delete it….because yes it is that stupidly important that the salesman, his manager and the boss are going to hear about it till you do it. They won’t hold your plates but expect calls or texts till you do it

(+315) Body deleted, but the gist is, connected data services was used against owner in an insurance claim. Things like this make me wary of any apps and data gathering services.

(OP +276) Thank you for pointing this out. Why am I the bad guy here? I simply don't want to sync with the app. I don't see why I deserve to be burned at the stake for this? Will the dealership shut down? Will hundreds of jobs be lost?

(-74) Just download and delete; you wont be hurt. Hell most of the apps will allow you to disable tracking too

(+157) Why is it their fault that the salesman might not make as much of a cut if you really don’t want to download and register your information on the app? The salesman should be mad at the ones requiring that, instead of hounding a customer over something when they’ve already said no thank you. Anyone legitimately thinking Op’s in the wrong for not wanting to download and register for an app after being hounded then that’s crazy to me. This is exactly like the restaurant industry trying to put customers and waiters against each other

(-137) Dumb take is dumb.

(OP + 154) i genuinely think you're in too deep in the auto sales industry and i am sorry that they force this crap on you.

These comments are just the tip of the iceberg, I'd definitely recommend going through the entire thread for the entire slapfight.