I am not The OOP, OOP is

They hired someone new instead of promoting me and now I have no motivation to work.

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

  Apr 17, 2024

Hi, everyone.

It's been a few months now since this happened, but I can't get past this, and I guess I just want to get this off my chest in hopes that it'll help me get over it. Here we go.

I've been working at the same company for over 6 years. The company is medium-sized I would say, and at the time I was hired, we didn't have a Marketing department. With time, the company grew, and after 1 year of working there, they offered I be the one to kickstart the Marketing department. I accepted.

For 2 years, I was the only person in the Marketing department. I did everything all by myself. I knew how everything worked. I kept my numbers and quality high, that my manager even asked my boss to give me a bonus for my hard work.

As the company grew, the work became too much for just one person, so they gave me a team. We were now four in total. I trained and pretty much lead the team, but the thing is, my title never went past "Marketing Agent". I thought that with all the things I'm doing, I'd at least get "Marketing Manager" by now? I expressed this to my manager, who said that they'll see what can be done.

Months pass, my title remained the same, but then in a meeting with my manager one day, they told me that our boss is thinking that there should be a Marketing Team Lead on the team. They said that they think it's going to be me as I started off the department, trained everyone, have the most knowledge, and have been in the company for 6 years now. Obviously, I got excited hearing that and I patiently waited for boss to finally drop the news to me.

The news ended up being that they were looking for a Marketing Team Lead. And they decided to hire externally.

I can't even put into words the way I felt. Even now, I still feel like I've been punched in the gut. It feels so unfair and humiliating? I was the FIRST person in the Marketing department. I have the MOST EXPERIENCE. Why would you hire someone with ZERO EXPERIENCE instead?

I asked my manager why I wasn't considered for it, and their response was basically just: "Boss just couldn't see you being a Team Lead." Hearing that seriously killed my self-esteem and made me feel even more humiliated.

They eventually hired the person to take on the Team Lead role, and what made me want to slam my head against the wall is that they made me train them on everything I knew. Listen, the new Team Lead is a nice person and I really don't want to hate them because it's not their fault, but my bitterness is so strong, I just don't even want to interact with them unless they/I need help.

So now, I'm stuck being "Marketing Agent" forever I guess. But what really drove me to write this on Reddit is the new team member. One person on the team left and was replaced with someone else, who just started last month. The Team Lead is on vacation, so I was the one asked to train the new hire. As I was training them, we talked and I told them a little about myself, about how I started the department and everything. And then they said, "So, all that just to not be Team Lead?"

And that honestly just pissed me off? I don't know if it's their wording, their tone or the look of pity on their face that got to me, but I just shut down. I laughed it off, finished up with training, and just barely worked the whole day. And the day after that. Even now, I feel like my numbers are lower than usual, my quality definitely dropped, but I just can't care anymore.

I know I could just quit, but this company's benefits are amazing, and I've made so many friends here that would make leaving so hard. Traveling for work every few months allowed me to see different cities and take in new experiences. But I just can't get past this, and I don't know if I ever will. I might just go through the days until I really just can't do it anymore.

If you've read up until this point, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it and I really hope this situation never happens to you.

EDIT: Hi again, everyone! I just want to thank you all for your advice, you've all been very helpful and you've all given me the confidence to send my resume to other companies for a Team Lead or Manager position :) I'll be sending my resume to more as they pop up (the market is terrible right now), but I am pretty confident. Now I just have to act like normal in this current position until I hear from one of them. Wish me luck!

For those wondering how I trained the new Team Lead, I did NOT teach them everything I knew. Hell no. I taught them enough to do their job, but when it comes to the deeper knowledge, I held back. I personally just thought it was the smartest decision for me, as teaching them all I knew wouldn't have benefited me at all. It's up to my company to teach them everything else, not keep relying on me. When I was asked to train the new hire, I did mention that I shouldn't train them if we have a Team Lead. But Boss hit back saying that I would be responsible if the team fell behind if we waited until the Team Lead got back from vacation. I didn't want to cause stress for the rest of the team and myself, so I (stupidly) complied.

I did consider threatening to leave if I didn't get the Team Lead role, but I held back because I was afraid of the response lol. I was afraid they would've just let me go and I'd be left unemployed without a backup job especially considering the job market right now. But I guess my pride also played a part in it. I really wanted to be given the Team Lead role because they believed in me/wanted to give it to me, not because I threatened them. I also do quite like my job, so I thought I could suck it up, but it's really not worth the mental suffering.

Huge thanks again for reading my ramblings. Have a great one guys

  July 26, 2024 (3 months later)

So... I got a job as Marketing Team Lead! Just finished week 3. The market is rough right now, but I'm glad I didn't give up and just kept applying. My new job's a little challenging, but my mental health is in a better place now knowing I could finally, fully let go of that grudge. If you're in a similar situation, don't lose hope!!!

When I gave in my notice, I would PAY just to see the look on my Boss' face again when I told them I was leaving for a Marketing Team Lead job. They tried to salary match, but I declined. They asked what they could do to keep me, but I kept it polite and just said that it was time for me to experience more in a different role now. I could tell they were really pissed, but I couldn't care less lol. And then apparently they talked smack about me to the manager, that I was betraying them and all that bs. It's so embarrassing lmao.

Of course, before I left, I asked my manager what I needed to improve on to be a better Team Lead so I can do even better in my new role. I was told things like be a little more strict, have more confidence, and other things I made sure to write down to work on.

AND I know it's been months, but I still wanted to ask again why I was passed up the promotion at this company. So apparently it's because they made it so that the Team Lead did more "admin" work—more team reports, team evaluations, team decisions and coming up with new procedures, and less marketing. Apparently, since I'm the most senior with consistent results, they didn't want to "lose" that by making me Team Lead. So they figured keeping me as a Marketing Agent was the smartest move for the company. I fully understand their decision, but screw that lmao. I feel like I'm actually doing what a Team Lead should be doing in my new company and that's all I really wanted. It just feels like they're still trying to figure out what a Team Lead should do and I'm not willing to stick around for that again.

Thank you again everyone for encouraging me to look for another job. I got way too comfortable in my last job that I allowed them to walk all over me. You aren't handcuffed to a certain company forever, it's okay to leave when you feel there's no more growth for you. Have a great one everyone :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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Trigger Warning: undiagnosed mental health issues; child abandonment; child abuse

Mood Spoiler: fucking sad

Original : July 23, 2024

Throwaway so my family doesn't connect this to my main.

I'm a 23 year old childfree woman (idk if this is needed for the story), and my sister is 30 with a 4 year old son. She's a single mom, ex-husband is not in the picture and has no contact with her or the kid. I'm gonna get straight to the point, that kid is a nightmare to be around. It's not his fault, it's my sister's fault. He very clearly has behavioral and mental health disorders, even at his young age. However, my sister was and is very ablest and refuses to accept that her son has problems. The kid screams bloody murder whenever something doesn't slightly go his way, screams and cries when he's overwhelmed, has meltdowns to certain sounds and textures. Like I said, I don't blame the kid for these issues, but my sister refusing to get him treatment or help makes the kid a nightmare to be around. So, as a result I don't babysit the kid when my sister asks (more like demands) I do so. This causes a lot of fights between us and our family.

I have a friend, 23 M, who's married to a wonderful lady age 22 and they have a baby boy together who just turned 1. Yes they got married and had him young, but it's not my place to judge them. This past weekend they asked me to babysit for them, and I agreed for a few reasons. Their kid is calm, well behaved, and a general good kid/toddler/baby to be around. I love babysitting him. Also, they asked me nicely and understood that I might say no because I'm childfree. They were polite about their request.

A thing about me is that if you ask me to do something politely, even if it's something I wouldn't usually agree to, I'd probably do it because you were nice and polite. So for these reasons, I happily agreed to babysit the boy. My sister also asked me to babysit her son that day so she could have a day to herself, and I refused and told her I was already babysitting for my friends. She was pissed, to say the least. She said a few comments about how I was an ass and not a good sister, but I thought she dropped it after that.

This past weekend, while I was watching the baby, my sister started banging on my door. I looked through the window and saw that she had her kid and a care bag with her, and I knew she was trying to drop him off and make me babysit. She was banging on the door, yelling at me and calling me heartless and a baby hater (while I was holding a baby, ironic) and that I better open up and do my sisterly duties. I put the baby in a different room to keep him from getting scared by the noise, and told my sister through the window to leave, or I would call the cops. She started cursing for a solid five minutes before she finally left. I had the whole thing on my doorbell camera and sent it to the family group chat. Surprisingly, my whole family is on my sister's side.

She keeps arguing with me about how I'd rather babysit a kid not even related to me over my nephew. I reminded her that her kid is a nightmare to be around, but she keeps saying that for family you help out. My sister has been cold since, and keeps sending me text messages to provoke me into arguing with her more. She's also started saying some pretty ablest and nasty things towards my friend's wife. My friend's wife is on the spectrum and has BPD and my sister keeps saying that she should have been sterilized and never should have passed her issues to her kid (btw, her kid has shown none of the signs that autistic infants usually show so idk what my sister is on).

I will admit that I do feel a bit guilty because I never consider babysitting my nephew, but I jumped at the opportunity to babysit my friend's kid. My sister, dad (66), mom (64) and brother (33) are all calling me an asshole and saying that I'm just using the CF label to avoid family responsibility. I need advice on how to get my family to see my perspective on this. How can I explain to them that the issue isn't the idea of babysitting, but it's the behavior of the kid?

Relevant Comments (there were lots but I tried to include a sampling):

Commenter: Just ignore your sister maybe even block her. She isn't entitled to you as a babysitter. As for your family, black kettle them, "So when are you babysitting sister kiddo since family should care for family?"

OOP: My brother (33, which I should have mentioned) has a wife and kids so he can't babysit, and my parents are in their early/mid 60s (also probably should have mentioned) and claim to be too old to do so. I'm the youngest and was a "whoops" baby my parents had in their 40s by chance. Because of my young age and the fact I'm not married and don't have kids, they keep saying I'm the perfect person to babysit because I have "nothing" to do, not even taking into consideration that I have a job and friends of my own.

Why can't your brother take care of him if he already has experience with his own kids?

OOP: In the words of my family "he already has his own family responsibility, you have none". 

Yes, that's pretty much always their response to when I ask why can't my brother babysit the kid. My brother also deep down knows the kid is a nightmare, even as much as he tries to ignore it along with my sister and parents.

(to a different commenter): His kids don't like spending time with her kid because he's had violent meltdowns and hurt them before. The kids avoid that boy like the plague. I don't blame any of the kids in that situation. My sister's son clearly has behavioral and/or mental issues that cause him to react violently to overstimulation, which is not his fault. He needs help so he can develop ways of controlling his meltdowns (idk if that's the right phrase) and keep his emotions in check. My brother's kids, while mature for their age, are kids and don't fully understand why he acts the way he does, and therefore harbor resentment and dislike towards him. I feel bad for all the kids involved, nobody is winning

Mute the group chat and contact experts for advice for your nephew:

I've muted the group chat, and I know this is a me issue, but I can't help but check on it every few hours and feel bad about causing a fight. I'm soft, I know. 

As for my nephew, I don't mean to sound rude but what good would that do? Yes I can have an expert weigh in their opinion, but at the end of the day my sister won't get him help so what would be the point? Once again, I don't mean to be rude.

Commenter (part of a longer comment): If she plans to send her child to public school, her neglect will become extremely obvious when he is unable to manage himself and she tells mandated reporters she refuses to get him the help he needs.

OOP: This issue already came up. He's close to turning 5, and last school year he was supposed to be in preschool. He was enrolled, and of course the workers/teachers noticed his issues right away and tried to convince my sister to sign him up for the SPED program in the preschool and for behavioral therapy. She outright refused, went off on them and pulled her kid from the program. He's going to start kindergarten in the fall, and my sister said if they "insult" her son she'll pull him out and homeschool him.

 I feel bad for my nephew, because it's not his fault he was born with these issues that cause him to act out when he gets overwhelmed. I sincerely hope my sister wakes up and gets him help, or that once he grows up he'll get help himself.

Commenter: You need to be honest with your family about what a nightmare the child is. Ask them to babysit if they disagree then block the idiots.

OOP: They know the child is a nightmare. They keep trying to pretend he's not and ignore the issue, but they know. They don't want to piss my sister off by mentioning it, as she goes nuclear with insults and fights whenever someone brings it up. I love my family, I love my nephew, and I love my sister but it is so wrong to just ignore the issues he has. He needs help. There is something wrong in his head. I'm not saying that to be mean, or cruel or ablest in ANY form but it's the truth. 

OOP responds to a longer comment:

OOP: I really hope I wasn't offensive with my wording. It feels... Wrong (?) to say "this kid has things wrong with him in the head" or "he's messed up in the head", but I genuinely don't know how else to describe it. I really don't phrase it that way to be mean or ablest or any kind of ist or phobic, but that's the only way I can think of to describe it without an diagnosis.

I don't know how much help CPS would be. We live in a small town in the south, I don't even know if CPS has an office down in our town/district. The nearest town over is a rundown city with a high crime rate, child abandonment rate, and drug use rate, so I can imagine that the CPS offices there are probably overwhelmed.

 "Sounds like she has mental health issues too."

I don't want to speculate, but I don't think she does. I think she's just ablest towards mental health disorders specifically. I'm not saying that mentally ill people can't also be prejudiced twords others with disorders and mental illnesses, but she doesn't show any signs of having any mental illness so I don't think she has any. I could always be wrong, as I'm not a therapist or doctor, but this is just my perspective from growing up with her.

Commenter: Maybe when he's too much for everyone else in your family, and she really has no help at all, she will take steps to get her son the guidance he needs.

OOP: My parents used to try and tell her this when he was smaller toddler and showing these behaviors. They were more tame them and have escalated as he got older. She blew up, said that if they kept insulting her kid she wouldn't let them see him again.

Obviously I can't imagine the position that put my parents in. They love their children and grandchildren, so I can imagine a threat like that would make them cave.

The sister's point of view:

The problem is, my sister doesn't want him to be diagnosed with anything.

She has this belief that kids are over diagnosed as a way for pharmaceutical companies and hospitals to get more money out of parents and insurance companies. And I agree to an extent that we do have an issue of overmedicalization in our country and that we tend to slap pills and medication over the problem rather than find a way to actually resolve it, HOWEVER that doesn't mean I think that medication isn't the solution in some cases. 

I don't know what would help my nephew, but I'm pretty sure that doing nothing is worse for him.

OOP's family and their views:

My parents and brother don't share the same beliefs about mental illness that she does, and I was in no way raised in anyway that could even remotely cause that belief. I'm still shocked, angry and horrified she said that about my friend's wife. I almost feel like I need to address in itself. She literally said my friend should be sterilized and prevented from having kids because she has a mental illness. I can't even wrap my mind around how cruel someone can be to say that a woman who's always wanted to be a mom and is a great mom should be sterilized simply because she has a mental illness.

A few last clarifications from OOP:

1. My sister makes enough money to live comfortably with her and her son. Hiring a sitter would put a bit of a strain on that. They're in that financial bracket where they are comfortable, but they can't afford expensive things or afford to pay for extra things. I guess you could say they are lower-middle class?

2. According to them, they are. [parents being too old] My mom retired early from a state job and has a part time easy job, and my dad is still working a different state job for a few more years.

3. My sister's ex isn't the dad. My sister has red-brown hair. Her husband had brown hair. Kid came out with a very light blonde hair. My family didn't see this as odd because I have a very light, white looking blonde hair color and one of my nieces also has blonde hair, so we just figured my sister carried the recessive gene. Husband wasn't suspicious of anything either, until sister broke down in a panic at the blonde hair and confessed that while they had been a short break after a fight, she had slept around a bit. Husband left because he didn't agree to opening the marriage during the break, and didn't sign the birth certificate. Sister has no idea who the father is and has no way to get in contact with any of the guys she slept with.

Update : July 26, 2024 (3 days later)

So... Shit has hit the fan.

My original post was about 3 days ago, and ever since that post my sister's behavior escalated. I tried to talk to her about getting help for my nephew, and she kept screaming at me everytime I brought it up. She said a lot of derogatory terms towards people with mental illnesses and mental disabilities, terms I won't repeat here.

That wasn't the only escalation. She was at my door several times a day starting 2 days ago (the day after I made my original post). Banging on my door, screaming, crying, cursing, the works. She brought my nephew each time and he always looked so confused and defeated. He was too tired to react or meltdown like he normally does around loud noises, and it broke my heart to see that on my doorbell camera.

I wasn't at my house. I was crashing with my friend and his wife. I took the advice of a commenter who said to put some physical distance between me and my sister. They said I was free to stay as long as I wanted as long as I helped out with some house chores and childcare while I stayed, which I thought was more than fair. So I'm staying in their guest room currently. I'm still with them, even though my sister isn't much of a problem.

Many will be glad to know, that my sister won't have parental rights over my nephew soon. She dropped him off at a safe haven site in the middle of the night. (Totally a fun phone call to wake up to at 2 in the morning. 😒) And my nephew is currently with my parents. Social services placed him with my parents, and he's set to have mandatory therapy. In my state (don't know if it's different in others) if a child is abandoned in anyway, safe haven or not, a physical and mental health examine is done. Other than being a little bit underweight, my nephew was physically health. He wasn't being physically abused like a few people were worried. But it was obvious he needed mental health, so he'll be starting therapy sessions soon, as mandated by a case worker.

We are not looking for my sister. After she dropped her son off, she left. She had quit her job a few weeks back, sold her car, and even her house a few weeks ago and had been renting a place, so this was planned. In my personal opinion, she planned to abandon her son the day I was babysitting my friend's baby, which is why she had such a nuclear reaction. She did leave a note, saying she can't do it anymore, she met someone, and that she doesn't want to be a mom to my nephew anymore. In her note she said she deserves a normal kid, and not a burden like my nephew. I seriously hope that my sister doesn't have anymore kids with this mystery person she's referencing, but it seems like she's running off to start a new life and family. She still has 30 days to reclaim rights over my nephew, but it doesn't look like she'll do that. Time will tell.

Like I said, I'm still with my friends because I was worried my sister would do something. My parents and brother have also been blowing up my phone and coming to my house, switching between apologies and blaming me for this. They think that maybe if I babysat that day, she wouldn't have done this, but I think she wanted me to babysit so she could do this. I'm not mad at them for blaming me, I understand that my sister is still their family and they're rightfully in shock and want someone to blame. They're human, and I know humans can be cruel sometimes while going through shock and grief.

So, yeah, that's life right now. I'm currently sitting on the couch with my friend's baby while my friend is at work and his wife does a quick grocery run. She was going to take the baby, but I insisted on watching him so she didn't have to hassle with the car seat in the very stormy weather we have in our area right now.

This update is all over the place, I feel like I'm rambling. There's still a lot of unknown stuff regarding my sister and nephew, but for now this is the update. I don't know if I'll post more regarding this situation. My friend's wife is telling me I should relax and just not think about anything relating to this until I'm more level headed, but I don't think that's possible.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Your sister clearly has her own severe mental health issues she's refusing to acknowledge.

As fucked up as it might of been, this is best for your nephew.

(Also I didn't know you could just drop off a child of any age at a place like that. I thought any child over 2 couldnt be released like that? )

OOP: I don't know my state laws, so I don't know. Because I'm not directly involved in the case, I'm not getting updates. When I say "we are not looking for her" I mean me and my family. Police could be looking for her, but I'm out of the loop on this whole case

A different commenter answers the previous commenter's question about dropping off kids and abandonment:

They changed it to 17 because too many older children were just homeless with no resources that they understood how to use or were being severely abused because they were unwanted. Heartbreaking, but at least there's safe options for all ages

Editor's note- I fact checked this but couldn't find what that commenter was talking about. Most sources say 30 days or younger. Nebraska was the only one that had that rule in place (being 18 or younger) but it has since been amended. (See )

Editor's Note: On a post I did yesterday, half of the comments I included in the body of the post were deleted in a reddit glitch in the middle of the night. (Thank goodness for rareddit to prove I'm not losing my mind. They literally just glitched away at like 6:00 AM. Apparently this has happened before- for some reason if you edit the post sometimes reddit just takes away half of it. But hours later. I'm still baffled lol.)

But I say that because if for some reason things don't look right on THIS post or if things look like they are missing, PLEASE let me know asap. I'm hoping that something like that doesn't happen again.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My husband is in love with his student. I have no fucking idea what to do.

Thanks to for finding the update

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, abuse of authority

  Apr 18, 2024

My husband and I (both 35 rn) met in college. We fell in love and got married 8 years back. I gave birth to our daughter in 2020. My husband is a professor at this med school (he’s a doctor himself). My friend, Sarah, also works in the same college and she’s in the same department as my husband.

Few months back(in December), Sarah took me out for lunch and told me that she suspected something’s going on between my husband and this med student (25f). She claimed she’d seen both of them give ‘yearning looks’ to each other. She said that she’s known my husband for so long, and she’d never seen him talk to any other woman like this, that he’d been so aloof around women all these years, but it’s just different with this one girl.

In that moment, I had laughed at her face. I remember telling her that she’s jumping to conclusions based on these supposed ‘yearning looks’. 

“That’s why I didn't tell you before", she had said,"I was confused too. It's not like he goes out of his way to talk to her but whenever they do talk, it’s like watching a slow burn romance movie. She looks at him like he’s Brad Pitt and he looks at her the way he used to look at you.”  I remember the exact word’s because they stung. Internally I was breaking down, externally I just smiled and told her that she’s probably overthinking.

That night, I casually mentioned this my husband. I was laughing at the absurdity, and I expected him to join in. And deny the wild possibility that he’s in love with a student. But he didn’t. Instead he looked at me, all teary eyed, and said ‘I’m sorry’. 

“ I can’t get her out of my mind. I’ve tried, trust me. I should’ve told you sooner. But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.”

I asked him if he’d cheated on me. He said no. He said he didn’t even talk to her, nor did they have any contact outside of college and that he completely understood how morally depraved it is to try and pursue a relationship with a student. She wrote him a letter about an year back, confessing her love for him  and he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. Aparently that was when the ‘yearning looks’ had started. 

I honestly don’t remember how I reacted then. I think I just started packing and came to live with my parents along with my daughter. I’ve been living with my parents since then. Half of me wanted him to come and beg for forgiveness. But he never did. He comes by sometimes to spend time with our daughter but that’s it. He never talks about the elephant in the room nor do I bring it up.

I keep checking that girl’s social media. She’s insanely beautiful, almost doll like, and intelligent. I can’t help but think that someone like him should be with someone like her. He’s always been very good looking and I’m more of a plain Jane. She’s the Meredith to his Derek.

I don’t know what to do. What do I even tell people? I don’t even know who I am without him. Some part of me still wants him to come back.

Edit; I’ve decided to talk to him. I know I’ve been avoiding this since months but after reading all the responses, I feel it’s time I rip that bandaid out. I’m going over to our house. I’ll update on what happens.

TL;DR husband just admitted that he’s in love with this young woman who also his student. She loves him too.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MossValley

So he didn't actually cheat? He has a crush,? If I'm understanding that right he hasn't betrayed you yet. Crushes sometimes happen that doesn't mean the relationship is over. Get therapy with him.

OOP

I mean, cheating for me isn’t just physical. He’s had crushes in the past and I’ve had crushes in the past but we’d always been upfront and then laughed about it.

This one feels like a betrayal because he was attracted to someone for more than an year, this someone gave him a freaking love letter, he told her that he’s attracted to her, and not once did he mention it to me. That’s a huge breach of trust for me and I don’t think I can look past it.

OOP Added more about her friend Sarah and what she observed

I know. He said he entirely stopped interacting with her after the letter incident. It does seem absurd but even my friend, Sarah corroborated this. She said he never went out of his way to talk to her before, and then almost entirely stopped talking. Given that Sarah and him are in the same department 24/7, and that she noticed something as small as them giving each other looks, I’m sure she would’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary. I’ve had access to his phone and his passwords throughout and he wasn’t texting or calling her either.

That’s why this feels weird lol.

  Apr 20, 2024 (2 days later)

Link to previous post ;

For those who don’t wanna read the boring details : In short, I have decided to go ahead with the divorce.

Long story: The day I made the post, I met up with Sarah for dinner. I thanked her for telling me about my husband and the student, and also for being such a good friend.

I asked her about my husband. She said there’s nothing unusual. He’s been a bit withdrawn and aloof with everyone lately but that’s about it.

Yesterday I went over to my house unannounced. He was there alone in his office. I told him I wanted to talk. He said he’ll explain everything.

So apparently this woman has had a crush on him since two years; her friends ‘ship’ her with him. She would stare at him during her rotations and would blush whenever he looked or talked to her. Back then, he didn’t think much of it. Many girls have had crushes on him and he always ignored it.

About 1.5 years back, they were in the same research group thing (I don’t know how this works but there were 5-6 people along with these two). Because of this, they had to spend some time together working, and it was then that he started noticing her. He went into detail about how he was impressed with her intelligence blah blah blah and her beauty blah blah blah. The moment he realised that he had a crush on her, he dropped out of the research thing. This was a year ago.

Few weeks later, she gave him the letter confessing that she has feelings for him. The first thing he told her after reading it was ‘you can get into trouble because of this’. She didn’t care. She wanted an answer. ‘Is it all in my head’ she had asked, to which he replied with ‘it’s not just in your head, but nothing can come out of it. I hope you understand.’

That was the last time they interacted. According to him, the ‘yearning looks’ Sarah described were more of ‘awkward eye contacts’ than anything else. He told me that even though he is still attracted to her, he has no intention of pursuing any sort of relationship with her regardless whether we stay together or not. He said he’s willing to change his job and go to therapy. I told him to give me sometime to think about it.

To sum up;

1. This has been going on since three years. Not once did he mention anything to me.

2. The student and him spent a considerable amount of time last year working on the research.

3. He told her he liked her back lol.

4. He’s still very much attracted to her

And that’s why I’ve decided to go ahead with a divorce. I don’t think I can trust this man again. And a relationship without trust isn’t something I am interested in. I’ve told my parents about it. They’re not exactly on board but they’re still supportive. I’ve also contacted my lawyer about the same. It’s gonna be a long process, I believe.

That’s it. I believe this is my last update. 

TL; DR ; he’s still attracted to her; I won’t ever trust him again. We’re getting a divorce.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ChanceReason6617

I'ts a crush! He is not in love.

OOP

That doesn’t matter. He crossed a line he shouldn’t have by telling her he likes her.

_thisisnotanexit

Literally I can’t believe these comments. He’s gushing about her beauty and intelligence, he told her the feeling was mutual?! He could have easily denied it to her and then kept his distance but he liked the attention.

OOP

I mean, to be fair to him, he wasn’t exactly ‘gushing’ about her. I kept asking and he kept answering.

Deal breaker for me was him telling her the feeling is mutual.

~

allbutluk

Lmao these dumbass comments “you too hasty its a cruuuuush chill”

Like stfu the man literally said “I CANT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD”

If he was commited to his wife he would have changed job PROACTIVELY not wait until now

He let it develop to a point he cant take his mind off of her and yall saying its no big deal, you guys obviously never had a real relationship

OOP

He said he didn’t change his job earlier because, quote ‘I’m a doctor and there are people counting on me. I couldn’t just walk out on them one day.’

Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’.

NEW UPDATE

  July 21, 2024 (3 months later)

For context; my ex husband is a doctor and he was in love with his student for years. She was into him too and wrote him a love letter etc. When I confronted him, he told me it was a crush and that he put a stop to it as soon as he could, and that nothing physical ever happened, but the damage was done. You can read the posts on my account if you’re interested but that’s the gist. Nothing more there.

So I decided to take our daughter and permanently move to my parents house. We’re in the middle of separating now. A lot of people have told me to forgive him, and I’ve myself debated if I’m taking the correct step or not, but the trust is gone and I don’t think I want to be in a relationship with someone like him.

It’s taking a lot of strength to do this. I have lost all self esteem. Fact is that I was always insecure of how my ex was way above my league, about how I was lucky to have him, how people often said he could’ve done so much better. Over the years, my insecurities had disappeared. Now it’s all back. He’s attracted to someone so beautiful, so incredibly intelligent. And obviously she’s also into him. I keep looking at her social media all the time, obsessing over her. There was a Instagram story she uploaded where she was with my ex husband and few others, and it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. He looked happy, and he’d never looked that happy in years.

I got tired of being pathetic and even complained to the hospital management about the inappropriate relationship between her and my ex. All I got in response was that they can’t take any steps without concrete proof. Now my sad ass wants to snitch about her to her parents. To get her in trouble. To make her suffer.

I know this is unhealthy. I’m in therapy but idk, I don’t think I’m healing. I hate that I have to be sad and heartbroken over that man and he doesn’t seem to care. He’s stopped coming to visit our daughter too. I wish he would’ve cared. I wish he would’ve fought for me. I wish he would’ve not tossed aside our decade long relationship for her. I hate this. I hate everything.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MayorCharlesCoulon

If you wanted to go full petty, you could out them to her training program. Medical schools and teaching institutions frown on faculty/learner romantic relationships and consider it an abuse of power. Your husband likely had to formally evaluate her and she him, their affair (even emotional) would tip the fairness of those evals compared to the other students. I have seen married doctors fired for this kind of behavior.

Also, tell her parents. She sure as shit didn’t mind hurting you or your daughter, don’t roll over because of a misplaced sense of loyalty to your d-bag ex.

OOP

I did reach out to her training program. They basically told me that they can only take steps if I have any tangible proof. Which I don’t. I asked my friend Sarah who works in the same department as him to also complain but she’s not keen on the idea. Idk why.

Final comment from OOP

I feel like I’ve already wasted so many years on him. We met when we were 20. I thought I knew him so well but now it’s like I didn’t know him at all. I don’t understand what’s changed tbh. He’s a very good looking guy. All throughout our relationship, there have been many girls who had had crushes on him. He used to be so chill about all of it. Never made me feel insecure. Never lost his mind like this. Idk what’s happened honestly.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now deleted

Originally posted to

AITA for keeping the promise I made my kids at the expense of my stepdaughter?

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: physical assault, bullying, death of loved one, domestic abuse, stalking, parental neglect

: July 25, 2024

I, 43f, have two children. “Sarah” 17f and “Aiden” 15m. Nine years ago, my late husband passed away in a fatal car crash. I was devastated. I was afraid for my kids to grow up without a father and I was afraid to be alone. Luckily, my family stepped up, my brother-in-law acted as a surrogate father for my kids. My sister and BIL do not have kids of their own, but were happy to help us out.

Five years ago, I met my now husband 47m and his daughter, “Elizabeth” 17f at a friends housewarming party. I was hesitant to date again, but I took things slow, making sure he was a good man to be around my kids. I discussed my kids feelings with them along every important milestone and made sure they were comfortable with my husband and stepdaughter. When he proposed, and I spoke to my kids about how they felt, only one request (the promise) was made. I would make sure that my kids and I had time together just the three of us still. I agreed to take my children out twice a month, just the three of us, with exceptions if need be.

As my kids remember their father, and Elizabeth’s mother was still in her life, we made a rule that neither of us would try to be parents to our step kids. We are responsible for our bio kids. This was discussed with all the children together. Our kids are also allowed to choose how they feel about one another, whether or not they wished for a sibling relationship or something else. It’s not up for my husband and I to decide.

Back to present time, I still regularly take my kids out twice a month for an adventure with the three of us. This could be going out to dinner, a movie, the zoo, etc. I also take Elizabeth with me for some things, such as getting our nails done, shopping, volunteering. Sometimes my kids will come along as well. My husband and I are still responsible for our own kids. We parent them differently, but that’s what is causing the problems.

We are each in charge of:

Grades

Party Planning

Rewards

Punishments

Special parent-child time.

Chore lists

Curfews/rules

The issue is, I am far more active in my kids lives than my husband is. I regularly celebrate my children, go to all their events, keep on top of their grades. I know where my kids are, I listen to their concerns, and speak about their lives. My husband doesn’t do those things for my stepdaughter. I think I underestimated how much this is creating tension between our kids.

Elizabeth and Aiden don’t interact with one another. Elizabeth and Sarah absolutely despise one another. Sarah and Aiden are best friends.

My husband came to me yesterday and said we needed to talk about how Sarah and Aiden (mostly Sarah) treat Elizabeth. He pointed out several instances of exclusionary behavior.

Such as:

Sarah driving Aiden around but not Elizabeth.

Sarah and Aiden deciding to have the two bedrooms across the house from Sarah. (Originally Aiden and Elizabeth would’ve had them)

Sarah not inviting Elizabeth on her birthday trip to Cedar Point despite them having the same friend group.

Sarah spending money buying Aiden gifts but not Elizabeth.

Aiden refusing to allow Elizabeth to use his technology.

Sarah and Aiden only doing things Elizabeth doesn’t enjoy while at home or stopping when Elizabeth wants to join.

Aiden refusing to cook for Elizabeth.

Sarah buying all three of them locks for their bedroom doors, which my husband claims was only to make it look like Sarah did something nice for Elizabeth.

My husband claimed that I was the cause of this problem by setting the example of excluding Elizabeth with the promise I made to my kids. He demands that I stop the practice and start to treat Elizabeth like my own kid. I said no, as that is not part of our agreement, Elizabeth isn’t the one asking me, he isn’t willing to step up and act as a father to my kids, and my children come first, I will always make them feel valued.

I’m the only one who ever plans anything for the kids. Since we’ve bought a house together, he has only planned birthday parties for Elizabeth. Nothing else. He doesn’t plan family trips, dinners, celebratory events, none of that. I know he won’t put in any effort for my kids as he barely does for his own. When I’ve brought this up to him in the past, he said it’s not my problem and reminds me of our agreement.

Oh and since I didn’t add it in, I’m going to speak to both of my kids separately and then together to get to the bottom of their behavior.

So AITA for refusing to break the promise to my kids?

Relevant Comments

Far-Season-695: So info didn’t you see how he treated Elizabeth before you guys got more serious? Your NTA but I’m curious about what you saw before you got married

OOP: My husband and his ex wife had 50/50 custody. He usually spent time with me (dates) on the weeks where he didn’t have his daughter. And on the weeks that he did, it started with me, husband, and her only, and then slowly introducing my kids into more of a blended structure.

HeartAccording5241: I see how you commented he didn’t do anything for your kids he said they aren’t my kids but wants you to include her what a hypocrite

PerceptionQuirky3444: NTA I guess but did you not see how low effort his parenting was before you married him, since you took it slow etc? Maybe it’s just me, but I would have a very hard time respecting my partner if he was such a bare minimum father to his child.

: July 26, 2024

Wow. Hi all. I did not expect this to blow up nor did I expect to be posting again after only 24 hours. A lot has happened in that time.

First I want to address some information that was previously left out in my original post. It seems I am not a very good writer. I also apologize in advance for using a lot of lists in this post, it helps me think to have things written out.

One, Aiden is a boy. I accidentally wrote 15f, but I fixed that. My mistake.

Two, both my husband and I were unaware of the dynamic in our household. We both work long hours during the week and don’t spend much time together at home. For context, my work schedule is 8-6 Mon-Thurs, I have Fridays and Sundays off, and the option to come in on Saturdays when I wish to. My kids and I go to sleep around 8-9, Elizabeth stays up a little later, and my husband goes to sleep around 7. He works 12 hour shifts from 6-6 every day and wakes up for work around 5. He also has Fridays and Sundays off. I usually plan for the weekends on Monday, which we typically are out of the house for. We as in me (always) my kids, stepdaughter, and hubby.

Three, I do spend time with my stepdaughter, as stated in the previous post.

Four, my husband and Elizabeth have different ideas of spending time together. For me and my kids, it’s getting out of the house. For those two, it’s staying home, playing board games or watching a movie. This activity started because my husband wasn’t in a good financial situation post-divorce and he couldn’t afford to take her out often. So they did spend a lot of time together.

Five, Elizabeth’s mother (Bailey) is in jail and has been for five months. She committed a small crime and was sentenced to a year. She keeps in contact with Elizabeth via phone calls, letters, and visitation. Saturdays are usually spent now with me and Elizabeth going to visit Bailey, unless I need to work. Her father doesn’t bring her.

Six, my kids and Elizabeth did get along. The exclusion doesn’t happen during family trips or when I’m around.

Seven, Sarah has a car but Elizabeth doesn’t, though she has a license. Sarah has been working since she was 15 and I agreed that I would pay half+insurance, while Sarah pays the other half+gas.

Eight, Aiden was also not on the cedar point trip. I paid for most of the cost but Sarah helped and a lot of the other girls parents+kids chipped in as well.

Nine, I am more strict with my kids than my husband is with Elizabeth. They have a curfew, grade expectations, safety regulations, etc.

I think that’s it but I might add some if I think of anything else. I am also going to address the previous points. These are not justifications, just how I see them along with more clarification.

Sarah driving Aiden around but not Elizabeth.

-Aiden does not have a license and has multiple outside activities. Elizabeth drives either mine or my husbands car.

Sarah and Aiden deciding to have the two bedrooms across the house from Sarah. (Originally Aiden and Elizabeth would’ve had them)

-Our house has two master bedrooms and two regular bedrooms. Sarah was going to have one of the masters, but she insisted Elizabeth take it, her reasoning being she won’t have to share a bathroom with her stepbrother. The two masters are on the main floor, the regular rooms are on the second floor. (Literally just a hallway with bedrooms and a bathroom.)

Sarah not inviting Elizabeth on her birthday trip to Cedar Point despite them having the same friend group.

-Said in point 8

Sarah spending money buying Aiden gifts but not Elizabeth.

-I don’t see a problem with this. Sarah earns her own money, she can spend it as she pleases.

Aiden refusing to allow Elizabeth to use his technology.

-He and Sarah are both gamers but Aiden is 10x more invested in it than Sarah.

Sarah and Aiden only doing things Elizabeth doesn’t enjoy while at home or stopping when Elizabeth wants to join.

-Not sure but defo not okay.

Aiden refusing to cook for Elizabeth.

-Aiden cooked a lot as a kid and developed a passion for it. He cooks dinner for the entire fam (including Elizabeth) and will cook separate things on Sarah’s request, like lunch or breakfast, and she will also buy him ingredients for new recipes either of them wish to try.

Sarah buying all three of them locks for their bedroom doors, which my husband claims was only to make it look like Sarah did something nice for Elizabeth.

-This one I also see no issue with. Privacy is important and all three installed their locks.

Update:

I spoke with all three kids last night separately and told them all to write a list of things they want to address in today’s family meeting. I found out a lot that absolutely shocked me when I spoke privately.

For the family meeting, we all sat down in the living room. I asked Elizabeth to speak first, since she is the one who is upset and without explanation for her behavior. She reiterated the statements above, and added some things on her list.

Elizabeth’s List:

Movie nights upstairs without her

Refusing to drive her to school/leaving without her.

(Sarah) refusing to invite her to hang out with their friends or lying about where she was going.

(Sarah) having a group chat without her.

Refusing to even attempt a sibling relationship with her.

Putting locks on their doors and using the bathroom to be able to visit each other/hang out.

Gaming without her.

Elizabeth said she felt as if they hated her and wanted her gone. She said she is just as worthy of a parent as Sarah and Aiden were, and how it’s unfair that we get to be a family and she doesn’t have one.

Sarah (very rudely) asked if she honestly felt she has any less of a family then she and Aiden do.

Elizabeth was going to say something else, but my husband stepped in and asked Sarah to read her list.

Though Sarah told me last night about what Elizabeth had been doing, I didn’t expect how blunty she would bring it up.

Sarah’s List:

Breaking into their bedrooms and stealing their stuff/food.

Insisting on sharing clothes/matching.

Insisting on a sibling relationship when already declined by both.

Following her around school and forcing herself into Sarah’s friend group despite being told multiple times to leave them alone.

Threatening to go to teachers/me and hubby if they didn’t.

Stealing and then ruining Sarah’s makeup.

Telling my kids they should be happy their father died because now they have her dad and a sister.

Making in appropriate comments towards anime characters out loud while watching together (this includes minors)

Insisting Aiden has a crush on her.

Getting handset with Aiden and then getting defensive when Sarah interviens/calls her out for doing so. (This is the real reason Sarah insisted on the bedroom situation.)

Purchasing two fun items and giving one two Sarah after she confessed to a crush on TV.

Throwing a fit whenever she loses in a game or any form of competition.

Refuses to study/spend time on school and then complaining when she doesn’t get good grades.

Expecting me to step up and do everything for her, even though I do not do those things for even my own kids, instead of her father.

Constantly being late getting ready for school and then being upset they don’t wait for her.

Flirting with Sarah’s boyfriend at the time because “sisters share everything.”

Refusing to get a job or do anything worthwhile while being jealous of both kids accomplishments.

When she was done, I asked Aiden if Elizabeth was really trying to touch him. He didn’t answer at first, but after a moment said yes. Elizabeth denied it immediately, but Sarah shut her down and said she wasn’t finished speaking.

Sarah told Elizabeth that she was a disgusting human being, that she thinks she can get away with anything she wants but she can’t. None of their “friends” like her and wouldn’t be around her if Elizabeth didn’t make them. That she was spoiled and entitled. That if she ever tried to do anything with her brother, Sarah and everyone else would make her life living hell.

I stopped Sarah there, as I don’t tolerate threats of violence. Elizabeth said it’s not fair, that she and Sarah have similar interests, and that she’s only treated worse because she’s ugly and Sarah isn’t. “When you do it, it’s cool. When I do it, it’s trashy and weird.” Sarah argued back, saying it doesn’t have anything to do with her looks, shes just a bad person.

Elizabeth brought up how Sarah is the bad one, purposefully excluding her, spending time with me separately, refusing to acknowledge her in the house she lives in, refusing to accept her and her father as family, that they both lost a parent.

Sarah: “My dad is dead. He’s never coming back. Your mom is in jail. You speak with her daily. See her every week. It’s not the same at all.”

Elizabeth: “It is the same! I share my dad, you’re just bitching that you have to share your mom now.”

Sarah: “At least my dad didn’t choose to leave me. Your mom had a choice and I can see why she chose it.”

Elizabeth slapped Sarah. Aiden punched Elizabeth. Husband shoved Aiden into a mirror hung on the wall.

I started screaming at my husband to keep his hands off of my children while telling my kids to go pack a bag. Kids ran off, Elizabeth followed them, husband and I were screaming at each other. I could hear Elizabeth pounding on their doors and crying. After a lot of yelling my husband slapped me, then Sarah started screaming at Elizabeth (apparently Aiden was putting the bags in the car) and the girls disappeared, I found them in my bedroom fighting because Sarah was packing a bag for me. I told Sarah to go wait in the car while I pack. She hesistantly obeyed, I packed my bag while husband and Elizabeth were screaming at me, then left. Sarah was on the curb in the drivers seat, so I let her drive away and then told her to switch with me. My son had to be taken to the hospital as the mirror had cut him.

Aiden needed 17 stitches and has a concussion. I am pressing charges against my husband and filing for separation and divorce immediately.

I’m currently writing this from our hotel room. I spoke to Sarah and asked why she didn’t bring any of this up previously. She told me that Elizabeth only started acting like that after husband had already proposed, and both she and Aiden wanted me to be happy, because they’d seen how depressed I was after my late husband died.

This obviously broke my heart. I told her (and later Aiden) that they are my happiness. Sarah argued and said that since I’d made so many sacrifices it’s only fair that they did too. I promised her that she never needs to sacrifice anything for me, as I am their mother. Sarah started crying, apologizing and just saying how she never meant for me to lose another husband and that she never would’ve let Aiden get hurt. I kept reassuring her the whole ride to our hotel.

My kids are asleep now. I’m scared. Neither husband nor Elizabeth has contacted me. I’m not sure if I want them to.

That’s it for now. Thanks all for the comments.

Question: Should I go to the jail and speak to Bailey? It seems my husband didn’t know about Elizabeths behavior and I didn’t either. So I just want answers.

Relevant Comments

Kindly_Rephrase: Good grief. I’m glad you’re all safe. Definitely file charges, make sure you get copies of the medical records (the hospital should have reported it and had police taking a report while kiddo got stitches, abuse of a minor isn’t something they typically disregard), seek a restraining order, and use the resources available for victims. A friend had a similar situation and she got to move back home, and was awarded a victims advocate, a lawyer for help pressing charges and going through the process, and a divorce attorney. Yes if you make more than legal aid will allow you’ll pay for the divorce attorney yourself, but use all resources available and use their referrals when you have to pay out of pocket. This exists for people in your situation for a reason.

My friend was advised to send copies of the police report and PFA to husbands ex. No direct contact, just use the mail system. You should ask about this as well. Not only does this involve her and her child, but friend’s ex was able to fill in a lot of blanks that are being used as history and proof that this isn’t an isolated event. Your STBX’s ex may say he sucked but nothing like that, but she also has a child that’s looking at having an incarcerated dad and needs to get her ducks in a row. If said child isn’t dealing with legal problems of her own, they could all get a release date together as one happy dysfunctional family.

Report both to the police, your husband isn’t the only abuser and your daughter deserves justice too, seek protection and assistance. You can get reimbursed for the hotel, financial assistance to pay his bills while unable to live in his home, free therapy for all three of you, and more just by asking for charges. You aren’t alone.

OOP: I did file a police report at the hospital. Nobody has said anything to me though about if police contacted my husband. I’ve never been in a legal matter like this so I’m not sure what happens now.

Asleep_Koala_3860: Who does your home belong to?

OOP: We purchased it together a few months before our wedding. So it’s in both of our names.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in

Short, funny post.

Thanks to for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts.

Mood Spoiler: genuinely wholesome

Original : July 26, 2024

Title: Girlfriend saw a picture of a bird- can't remember what it is but drew it. Anyone able to identify it?

Location is WI, USA, but the bird could be tropical/not of US origin

The bird was about 6 inches tall, either green or brown, with "small little eyes" at the front of its head. The weird thing is - she's a pretty good artist and she says this is "exactly what it looked like."

EDIT: She saw this picture online, so it's hard to say region wise. She's been around me and my birding enough that she said it wasn't from our region (eastern US), and was maybe tropical?

Images (descriptions are the editor's)

Description: An oval with dots for eyes and a beak

Description: Two upside-down 'u' shapes with eyes. One has what appears to be hair. Honestly they look like digletts a bit if you know Pokemon

Further Editor's note: I genuinely cannot stress enough how much these look like ovals with dots.

Top Comments:

ReasonableBees: First image says "heron," second image says "public access television channel's non-trademarked knockoff muppet"

Main_Combination8173: Ahh, yes. It's the elusive flat white Owl.

chesbyiii: That's a finger with a face drawn on it.

Interesting_Sock9142: ...I genuinely thought this was just someone trying to be cheeky. But no, this is the actual drawing someone would like us to use to ID a bird lol.

WE'RE BIRDERS, WE'RE NOT MAGIC.

Relevant Comments from OOP:

OOP: She saw it online, apparently? She's been a birder with me casually, so she's able to identify AI birds pretty well. This was a 'real bird' she saw. She said brown coloring, maybe green. Around 6 inches tall. However, she said it wasn't a potoo, or owl, or a nightjar

About a half hour later:

OOP: I thought Kiwi too- not kiwi. So for those keeping score at home it isn't:-Willow flycatcher-Belted Kingfisher-Pootoo (Any)-Nightjar (Any)-Owl (Any)

Commenter: What about a cedar waxwing?

OOP: I thought this at first, but she's thankfully a good enough birder of Eastern US birds-- she's adamant that it's a tropical bird/Western bird not of Eastern US origin. However, this is maybe a red herring, too lol

Commenter: Is it possible it's ai generated ?

OOP: See this is what I was wondering, but we're pretty avid birders, and I believe she's savvy enough to have identified it as AI if that makes sense. She's adamant it was real, not AI. It also wasn't like 'cute' in the way AI drawings are, and also wasn't colorful- she claims it was brown or green.

Mini Update in : 1 hour later

UPDATE:

Thanks everyone for all your help!!

So for those wondering, it isn't a Kakapo, which was my best guess. It wasn't Quetzal, which was my second best guess. It also isn't an owl, bittern, heron, titmouse, woodcock, flycatcher, parakeet, nightjar, waxwing or kingfisher. I may be missing one here, but I'm trying to respond as best I can to everyone's suggestions! I'm showing her birds like we're identifying a perp at a police lineup.

Additionally, she saw the picture online, but I'm somewhat confident it wasn't an AI bird (she's tech savvy, and could identify one of these AI birds pretty well. It also has none of the hallmarks of an AI bird ie, not colorful, not 'cute' in the way that they are.

I should also add that the bird was in a tree- in retrospect I realize how hard it is to tell that from the incredibly detailed picture we provided, lol.

She's said that IntheWoods2020 is the closest image wise- which leads me to believe that the bird is just at a weird angle in the photo she saw. It's entirely possible we've looked at the brid already, but because the angle she saw was so direct we just can't find a pic that matches it exactly quite yet.

Again, thank you!! I'll do my best to keep digging through her search history/views and see if we can find it that way!! I don't want anyone else to live through the agony we're currently enduring lol.

(IntheWoods2020 )

Update 2: 2 hours from OG post

UPDATE 2: SOLVED!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys again, thank you so much!! After ovenmittromney commented the head-on Green Heron, I did a little more digging and found the EXACT picture she saw! From Bill Wimley on Instagram: it's a +Least Bittern+ !!!!!!!

I see now where she was confused by the angle- I had originally showed her a Bittern/Green Heron, but had the angle all wrong!!!! Thanks again for all your help!!!

Descriptions of images are still the editor's:

Description: it... honestly looks surprisingly like the drawing. Somehow. Just without color. It's an oval with eyes. It's a bird facing the camera looking like a flat circle and like it's going through a rough period in its life and wants to scream.

Credited photographer:

Top Comment:

SilentSamurai: Me seeing the post: "Lol, this is the most generic drawing of a bird of all time. These comments should be good."

OP: "We solved it!"

Me:

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH for informing my parents that my (21F) best friend (21M) kicked me out of our apartment because his girlfriend (21F) asked him to?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior

  July 24, 2024

Sorry, bit of a confusing title but this is still fresh and I’m still dealing with things. I’m just using this to get this off my chest mainly, but if I can get some validation too, then that’d be good.

So I (21F) have been friends with (21M, Mike, fake name) for 16 years. We became friends officially in kindergarten but our parents were college friends.

I honestly can’t even call him a best friend, he’s like a sibling, and in a way we were raised as siblings. Group family holidays, sleepovers, family vacations on both sides. At one point we even all lived together for a year.

I’m saying this because I know some people will ask. No, there’s been no crushes or feelings on either side, AT ALL. We haven’t kissed, confessed feelings or had crushes. It’s been strictly sibling like, and im saying that now because of what Mikes girlfriend has been saying.

Me and Mike share an apartment together near campus as we both attend college together. Around 7 months ago, Mike met his girlfriend, (21F April, fake name).

Now, I thought we got along okay, I’ve only met her a couple of times because she has anxiety, but I had NO problem at all with her until recently besides some minor things.

Sometimes, she would interject when Mike would call me his sister. It wasn’t always, but normally like “well, technically you aren’t siblings” which is 100% true, but it’s how we’ve viewed each other since we were kids.

So almost a month ago, my class got cancelled so I came home early, I walk in and right on the couch is Mike and April having sex. I scream, run to my room and frantically yell at Mike via text. He apologised, said he thought I would be gone longer, I made him clean the couch, all good right?

No, April for some reason got upset, and felt that (her words) I did that on purpose (despite it never happening before) And that it was inappropriate of me to walk in on them. Again, this was in the LIVING ROOM, absolutely disgusting in my opinion but I moved on. Because it’s not a big deal, embarrassing, but nothing crazy.

Anyway, Mike has been stressed recently because April had been asking him to distance from me, I thought she was just embarrassed, which I’d understand, so I tried being friendly and apologised.

Well last weekend, Mike sat me down and basically said that I had to move out, because his girlfriend was upset with me living with him. I was FLOORED.

I got so upset, I don’t think I’ve yelled and cried that much in my life.

The basics is that he doesn’t want me to, but he’s pressured from his girlfriend and he really loves her, so he wants to make her happy. He thinks that this shouldn’t change our friendship and that he’s just putting some distance between us.

See, if he had asked me to move out, I’d understand, okay yeah, maybe you want to take your relationship to the next level, okay. But it was a DEMAND. And not only that, he wanted to put space between our friendship.

It was so fucking hurtful, I’ve known him for 16 years and that’s it? I’m gone for someone he’s known for 7 months?

I said he was choosing a short relationship over his sister, and that I don’t want him to contact me if he’s going to be like that, he said I was overreacting, but I called my parents and got them to pick me up

Literally thank god they don’t live far away, but like, what if they did? What did he expect me to fucking do? Just sleep outside or something?

Anyway, I obviously had to tell my parents what was going on given they had to pick me up and I was an emotional mess. I told them everything, which caused a bit of an arguement when they went to pick up some of my things the next day.

They called Mikes parents and kind of chewed them out a little, and from my understanding they called Mike and did the same. Mike messaged me to say that he was upset I couldn’t be ‘civil’ and that he feels like IM throwing away a friendship. I blocked him shortly after.

I’ve taken some time off classes but I’m so fucking hurt and upset. It hurts that he could just throw me away so easily.  I don’t think I did anything wrong telling my parents, but I think it may have crossed a line when they phoned Mikes parents. Like I said previously, our parents are really close, and it’s kind of messed with their friendship now. His parents have been really kind and apologetic, even though it’s not their fault, and a part of me feels like I made this into a bigger mess?

Sorry if it’s a bit chaotic, I’m on phone and still a bit emotional.

Also, I know I didn’t have to leave, me and Mike both pay an equal amount of rent for the apartment, but I didn’t want to stay in a place that I wasn’t wanted. It would have just made it difficult and worst case scenario, he’d leave which would have put a financial strain on me.

TL;DR - I walked in on my friend (practically sibling) having sex with his girlfriend in the living room, his girlfriend is uncomfortable now and thinks I did it on purpose, My friend asked me to move out, so I told my parents who told his. He’s upset I couldn’t be civil.

Edit - I read you all loud and clear, thank you for waking my ass up. I’ve talked to my landlord, she said that she was uncomfortable with April moving in because she doesn’t know her. I understood, so I am moving my ass back tomorrow. I unblocked Mike and informed him, I explained that until our landlord says otherwise, I’m staying. Either he can leave and get a new place and keep paying the rent, or we can end our agreement together, and if our landlord agrees they can start one. He replied ‘okay, we can talk about it tomorrows’ so, we see.

THANK YOU all so much for getting me up and going. I really had no idea how serious this situation could be until you all let me know how stupid I was being. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable I’m not wasting my money.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP replying to a downvoted commenter is she is a prude and may he the AH here

This is insane to me. Yeah, it was fucking disgusting, I screamed when I saw it because it WAS gross.

Not because they were having sex, I’m 21 years old. It’s gross because he’s like a brother, fucking on the couch I paid for in front of me. It was nasty to see. I don’t care what was going on, take it to the bedroom. And again, they’ve been dating for 7 MONTHS. This isn’t the first time they’ve fucked, we obviously have a system, one that he didn’t abide by.

I’m sorry but acting like I’m weird for being upset that they were fucking in our public space is so weird to me. I sit in that space, I use it too, no reason they couldn’t take it to the bedroom.

If they cant live with spontaneous sex then boo fucking hoo 🙄 they can move out, easy and simple solution. I don’t understand why I have to be uncomfortable so that they can be happy.

I’m sorry, I appreciate all comments made because it gives me a better insight, but this one is so weird to me. I’m a problem because I don’t want them fucking on MY furniture? Oh, okay.

  July 26, 2024

Thank you all for the amazing advice. I was hesitant to even upload on Reddit but I’m really glad I did. I honestly can’t believe how naive I was and you all probably saved me a lot of trouble 😭

So, onto the update. I came back to the apartment yesterday morning. I let Mike know beforehand and asked if April not be there so we could talk alone.

Mike was quite emotional and apologetic which surprised me a little. I found out a bit more information that makes a bit more sense now. Mike has been under a lot of pressure for awhile now to drop me, he thought that me moving out and distancing himself would be enough to appease April while still keeping our friendship.

Obviously he didn’t expect me to take it the way I did (although what other way would I take it?) and he didn’t expect me to leave that day. I mean yeah, he didn’t specifically say “Pack your shit and leave now”, but saying “you need to leave”. And saying that he wanted distance over our 16 year relationship out of nowhere makes me feel like I couldn’t have just gone to bed normally, you know?

I’ve read everyone’s comments so many times, I’ve drilled it into my head, so as much as it hurts, I’m keeping my distance from Mike at the moment. The fact that he never once told me about April wanting him to not talk to me, and he didn’t even consider my circumstances before asking me to leave (where else could I go?) It’s not a definite end of our friendship, but I’m not feeling pretty positive.

Anyway. he’s apologised, he said that he missed me while I was gone and that he knew he fucked up after he told me to leave, but that he just wanted to make April happy since he could see a future with her.

April has lost her shit (to put it mildly) and she threw up a storm in the lobby of our apartment last night. Mike refused to let her in, which understandably made her lose her shit even more.

TONS of colourful words thrown about on both ends. Im a ‘homewrecker’ a ‘whore’ a ‘bitch’, which is laughable. Anyway she’s not to be allowed into our apartment now period, at least until he decides on their relationship.

Mike has been pretty upset today,  he wants space from April because he said that he wants to end the relationship. VERY surprising but I’m cautiously optimistic, since I’m not sure how willing he’ll be.

We’ve had a bit of a heart to heart. Regardless of how upset and hurt I am, he’s my brother, I’m trying to be a bitch like I wanted too when I moved back in, but it’s so fucking hard when he’s all mopey and sad. I told him that if he continues seeing her, I’m putting some distance between us respectfully to avoid this happening again, he said he doesn’t want that.

I talked with my landlord before moving back, she didn’t want April moving in as she doesn’t know her, she was a bit upset that this situation was happening as she didn’t want ‘drama’ which I understand. I’ve moved back and Ive discussed the lease with Mike. We renew in September (or that was the plan) so now we’re deciding on how to go ahead.

I feel like it’ll be best for me to get my own place. Maybe this was long overdue to be honest, although Mike is saying that he wants us to continue being roommates next year, so we’re discussing this at the moment.

It’s not really a super dramatic update but at least the leasing issue has been solved. I’m not being kicked out or leaving until our lease is done, April isn’t coming over for the foreseeable future. Only issue right now is my relationship with Mike.

It’s VERY awkward in the apartment. You can tell somethings changed, he’s been trying to be friendly like we were before all of this, and he’s apologised a lot which I appreciate. BUT I’m finding it a bit difficult to move on and go back to normal. I’m not being a bitch or mean, just slightly distant.

Anyway, that’s the update, I really want to thank you all again for making me realise how serious this could be, I honestly had no idea that you couldn’t just switch who was renting which is so embarrassing 😭

Also, to that one woman in my dms and comments spam messaging me you’re insane. I don’t know who hurt you but get a life please. This isn’t even that serious.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

crissyb65

Mike needs to learn to drop anyone who tries to come between him and a healthy familial relationship.

As a mom, I like you two being roommates because you're less likely to have trouble with aggressive men. I'm a girl mom and think of these things.

For Mike, its a great way to judge is the woman he is dating is psycho. :-/

OOP

Honestly that was one of the main reasons why we moved in together when we started college! Mike and my family was worried about me having a place to myself, and Mikes parents wanted me to keep an eye on him.

~

roadkill4snacks

Did mike break down and explain how he changed from “seeing a future with her” to “wants to end the relationship”?

Understanding his reasoning process may help to rebuild trust and demonstrate maturing of Mike.

Was it the tantrum? Damage to the friendship? Damage to the relationship with his parents and your parents?

If he was older and wiser, i think: the insecurity of April; the inability to communicate, negotiate and resolve conflict would be relationship red flags.

OOP

He said that it was the few days that I was gone and had him blocked. That it put into perspective how much he missed me and that he imagined the next 30 years of his life like this. I’m not entirely sure, even I was surprised by the switch up, because even I thought that there would be drama between us when I came back.

Why OOP and Mike aren't together

Because me and Mike don’t view each other like that, it’s really just that simple. I see a lot of people asking the same thing, it the very least he’s like a step sibling, at most a brother to me. Nothing has happened between either of us and it never will. It’s so confusing why some people aren’t getting that.

No, as far as I know it hasn’t, although there’s only been two other relationships before April. They both ended on pretty good terms and none of them had issues with me. I can maybe see our relationship being taken the wrong way, as we are affectionate, but again, siblings, if I had a brother or sister it’s the same type of affection I’d show them

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

NOTE: I AM NOT OP - original poster is u/

originally posted to

your daily fun fact: cetaceans - including the whales, dolphins and porpoises - are all artiodactyls, or even-toed ungulates, meaning they are in fact related to giraffes, hippos, deer, sheep, and goats. (this also makes them the only known carnivorous ungulates!)

trigger warnings:discussions of addiction, blackmailing, sexual coercion, slut-shaming, misogyny

mood spoiler:hopeful?

(posted november 21, 2020)

Hi everybody! I admit, I am not familiar with this sub and haven't been on reddit in years. I just really need advice. I'm going to try to explain this mess as best I can, but it really is a mess. I appreciate your time and attention in advance.

My (25 F) husband (37 M) is the greatest man ever. He is incredibly kind, generous, intelligent, and loving. On top of this, he is an adorable nerd, which to me is a great quality (his dorky jokes are my favorite thing) but means he was bullied a lot as a child is not terribly socially confident. He is definitely a follower, not a leader. I think all these qualities are relevant to the current situation.

To begin at the beginning: At the time I met my husband, I was struggling with an addiction to prescription medication which I had developed while studying at a very competitive college. By the time I started dating my husband it was getting impossible to hide the fact that I had a serious problem. While he was incredibly supportive and encouraged me to seek help, I was ashamed. So, I lied. I told him that I was already seeking professional help and that I was really getting better, when in reality I was just trying to go cold turkey and shove all the emotions down until they went away (author's note: this is not a good strategy). I immediately felt awful about this, which just made me more reluctant to come clean.

At this time, my husband introduced me to his old childhood friend, whom I'll call A. A is a Catholic priest and was staying with my husband at the time. Both A and my husband are from a Catholic country in Europe. Both of their families are part of one of those "charismatic movements," which is like a very close-knit, conservative church group. Because A was always the cool and confident guy growing up, my husband worshipped A. He talked A up to me and was insistent that I talk to A alone about my addiction problems because he sincerely believed A could help with my recovery.

I met with A a total of 4 times over the course of 1 week. All these meetings took place in my husband's apartment when my husband was out. During the first session, he seemed nice and helpful and, because I was feeling so bad about lying to my husband, I pretty much fessed up to him straightaway. Basically from this point forward, A creeped me out. I don't know how to explain it other than to say he was constantly looking at me like I was... food.

I think I will remember this next part till the day I die it was so awful. During our 4th and final session, A asked me a series of questions about the kinds of sexual things I had done with my husband (who was at that time still my boyfriend). When I told him honestly that we didn't do anything physical other than hug and kiss, he laughed and said that my husband was always so bad with girls and if I were "used correctly" I would be much happier and my addiction issues would go away. I was just kinda dumbstruck. He moved closer to me and said, verbatim, "Think about it this way. God does everything for a reason, and he made you very sexually attractive to please men. Isn't it wrong that you're not using your gift correctly? Does it not follow that you would feel more fulfilled if you did use it correctly?" At this point, my brain was screaming "nope," so I told him "nope," with my mouth too. Right away, he got hostile and threatened, in a whole lot more words, to expose my lie to my husband if I didn't have sex with him.

Yeah, nope. I didn't hesitate to tell my husband about my lie and about his backstabbing awful "friend." I'm so, so grateful my husband believed me and that he gave me a second chance. My husband, being always an upstanding citizen, reported the incident to A's home diocese in Europe, which put him on "indefinite leave." I'm pretty sure this is Catholic for "fired because he's a fucking creep."

This was 2.5 years ago. In the meantime, I got professional help, we got married, and are now expecting a baby. Before the virus, my husband got a grant to work on a project near his old hometown, where A is passing his time in "leave," so we're all living in the same area. I took it for granted we weren't talking to A. My husband was very upset by everything that happened and I specifically remember him saying "I never want to see that man again." Yesterday evening, however, my husband casually mentioned when he was getting out of the shower that he looked forward to playing soccer with A and his brothers in the summer, when the virus had passed and our baby was born. I stayed calm and asked him what the hell he was talking about. He said he didn't want to tell me at first, but A had reached out to him via his family when we first arrived in the area and apologized for what he'd done. They've been talking and texting for months now and according to my husband A is "so happy that his actions didn't hurt our relationship (as in, my husband's relationship with me) and is looking forward to baptizing our baby." My husband's basic reasoning here is that "everybody deserves a second chance," and that all is well because A humbled himself enough to apologize.

Yeah, hell to the FUCK no. This man is not getting anywhere near my baby. Not only was he gross and manipulative, he also tried to use religion to justify it which I think means he is the last person who should be involved in a baptism. Also, I may be judgemental here, but I don't believe for 1 second that A is really sorry. On the other hand, I have also benefitted from my husband's "everybody deserves a second chance," policy, and I feel hypocritical telling him this guy doesn't deserve a second chance. My husband seems to show some kind of understanding that I would be upset by this, as he was pretty sheepish about explaining the situation, but he also just seems to think I'll get over it. What the hell do I do here? Can I forbid A from ever getting near my baby?

Edit: Adding some helpful timeline information

(posted december 5, 2020)

My is here. I'm still rather new to the sub, so please forgive me if I am breaking any sub rules. I don't know the etiquette surrounding updates (I even had to google to figure out what "update" meant), but due to my crazy pregnancy hormones I am unable to sleep and decided that now is a good time to thank you all for your assistance.

First things first: Thank you. I was in an emotional tizzy when I posted last time, and many of your comments were genuinely helpful. Many of you are by far the kindest strangers on the internet I could ever hope to meet. Sure, some comments were rude, but under every bridge there is a troll. I remain truly grateful to those of you who took time to reassure me that I am not, indeed, being crazy or unfair.

Second, in response to the several messages I got requesting a denouement to this fucking mess: On the Sunday following my post, I sat down with my husband and let all of my frustration out. It was obvious neither one of us was comfortable with the situation and that we had been tip-toeing around the subject for days. I told him (as so many of you encouraged me to do) that it hurt me that he had hidden this from me and that I respected his decision to forgive A, but his decision wasn't mine. I'll be honest, I cried. Really, really hard.

After I had spoken my piece, my husband told me that he was also not really happy with A's apology and was eager to tell me that the baptism thing was not his idea. My husband claims that originally he didn't want to talk to A, but that his (my husband's) mother and A's mother (who is very close to my husband's mother) kept cajoling him until he agreed to correspond with A. From there, he says he was railroaded into accepting the apology and later on, into agreeing to let A preform the baptism. Furthermore, my husband says it was his mother's and A's mother's idea to keep this from me, as they claimed "too much stress would hurt the baby," and told him that it was his duty as "man of the house" (it is a tiny one-bedroom apartment, with the damn washing machine shoved under the kitchen counter, but ok ladies) to spare me from delicate situations like this. Apparently, they had planned to spring this on me when I was freshly post-partum (and, as I think, too weak to protest too much) but my husband did not have the guts for that kind of criminal enterprise. After this conversation, I found the search history on his phone full of items like "stress cause miscarriage?" and "maternal anxiety affects on fetus," so I genuinely believe that he was struggling to find the best way to come clean long before he mentioned it. He also apologized to me for breaking his wedding vows: while (unfortunately) the traditional Catholic vows which his parents selected basically make me my husband's property, they also stipulate that he is to protect me and our children from all harm and always be truthful with me, which he readily admitted he didn't do in this situation. For his own part, he still said he pitied A and wanted to keep up a supportive relationship with him, but it doesn't look like that will pan out (see penultimate paragraph).

It is clear to me (and to my husband, but he would never be so openly cynical) that this is all a plot to get their little community to accept A again. If A's family can go around to all their friends waving pictures of me, my husband, and our little one with A, it will look as if all is forgiven, and furthermore might look as if the original incident had been blown out of proportion.

This hurts me in so many ways. I really do love my husband's family and I thought the love was mutual. I'm going to simplify a complex relationship here and say truthfully, though, I have had suspicions for a while that his mother doesn't like or respect me. It wasn't relevant to my original post, but I actually asked my husband out on our first date. Yeah, I didn't know how old he was, but I was in a low point in my life and his warmth and kindness really made an impression on me. This is very relevant to understanding my relationship with his mother. While I couldn't really speak directly to her the first time we met (I didn't know Italian, she doesn't know English), I could tell from her expression, her gestures, and the little bit my husband would translate for me that she didn't think I was feminine enough, but at the same time thought I was a slut for "going after" her son. While I had hoped I was wrong, I had also suspected that she blamed me for what happened with A. I have only caught a few comments here and there, but I have gotten the impression that she almost thinks that I'm a loose woman who had it coming (again, I may be too sensitive).

Obviously, this whole situation is not over and won't be over for a while. My husband readily and happily agreed to tell A right that afternoon that we would be waiting to baptize the baby until a priest from my own family can do it. A reacted poorly and my husband looked completely drained after he got off the phone. We have, by common consent, just agreed not to discuss his mother's role in this until we can see a couple's therapist (because if we do I will say some very non-feminine and probably ill-advised things). As I said, this hurts a lot. To get very real with all you strangers on the internet, I have never had a good family life. When I got married, I thought I had found a real, supportive family. While I truly believe my relationship with my husband is strong and I think we are both much happier now that the shadow of A is no longer overhanging our relationship, I have had to come to terms with the fact that this family is just as manipulative as mine was, and that my marriage is probably going to need a lot of professional help.

One again, I thank you all for your time and attention. I am indebted to you all, because without your support I don't think I would have had the confidence to confront this issue as effectively as I did. Additionally, if you have any spare time, I'd like to ask: How do I remain polite to my mother in law? Because that is going to be a challenge.

choosing to mark this concluded due to the fact OOP hasnt updated in 4 years. even with her mother-in-law taking center stage, we can only hope OOP, her husband and their child will all be okay

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

[New Update]: My (33F) husband (34M) fell in love with another woman and wants to try polyamory

Trigger Warning: infidelity, verbal abuse, manipulation, psychological abuse

RECAP

: April 7, 2024

Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids.

Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her.

He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late'. They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into sexting. She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused.

So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts.

I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship… I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her.

He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another. I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works… But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in.

Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still…

Could you guys give me your opinions on this?

Thanks a lot

Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'd be divorcing so fast.

DogOfTheBone: So he cheated and now wants to be able to keep cheating by calling it poly, lol. Come on.

Do not have kids with this man for the love of God and if you have any self respect you'll be serving him divorce papers soon as possible. Sorry your husband is a cheating ass.

swampcatz: You got married under the assumption you would remain monogamous. He is trying to fundamentally change the nature of your relationship. If I were you, I would drop any attempts at conceiving and figure out your next steps. Personally, I would not stay with someone who desired an open relationship. You need to decide if it’s something you’re willing to entertain or not.

: April 25, 2024

Hey guys,

Original post .

First off, sorry I didn’t reply to all your comments. I am very thankful for them; they helped me realize hard (but fair) truths about the whole situation. I waited for a bit to think about it all and had multiple long discussions with my husband. I wanted to confront him before making a final decision.

To answer some of your questions: the other girl wanted to meet him, but they never did. Partly because my husband refused, but honestly, mostly because she lives too far from here. I still got checked for STDs, though, and I'm clean (yay!). As for our polyamory friends, they apparently were the ones who suggested him to go down the polyamory road. I stopped talking to them for now; I'll deal with the bigger problem first.

I told him his actions hurt me deeply and that while I appreciated him admitting his affair, it was still infidelity. I told him what you guys said: that turning it into polyamory was merely greenlighting the affair after the fact. That polyamory should be built on mutual trust and communication, which he already broke. That I didn't feel respected.

It destroyed him. He said he already knew, deep down, but didn’t want to admit it, neither to me nor to himself.

We both screamed and cried a lot.

He finally admitted he wanted to open the marriage for selfish reasons. He is very sorry. He cut off contact with the other girl, let me fully access his computer and phone, and now wants to go to counseling to repair our relationship and marriage. He is showing me a lot of affection and attention since then, although he admits himself it's sometimes out of guilt and not just out of pure love.

And now I want to make it work too, but… Am I? Or is it sunk cost fallacy? I don't know. Our first session is in two months (the earliest we could get), and every day I change my mind. Literally yesterday I wanted to leave him, while today I think it's worth giving it a try.

Because we've known each other for so long, we understand each other on a very deep level, share a lot of interests, and have already built so much together. He was there for me during hard parts of my life. He took responsability for his actions and is really trying. Plus, if I leave him, I'd have to start my life nearly from scratch: find a new place to live, go back into dating for the first time in 12 years… I don't want to lose everything… It sounds very hard and scary. Am I not too old for this?

But at the same time, that's a form of denial, isn't it? It doesn't matter if those years were good; it's not going to be the same. Even if he gains my trust back, even if I forgive him, I'll never forget. I think he is genuinely remorseful, but isn't it too late for that? I am too empathetic, him being present now doesn't erase what was done. Do I want to stay not because I still believe in this relationship, but because don't have the strength to ask for a divorce? Because it's the easy choice, some kind of co-dependency?

I have no idea. I can picture both paths clearly, and it's tearing me apart. I am lost, maybe even more than I was when I wrote my previous post. I've lost sleep and appetite, and I'm not sure I enjoy anything in my life anymore. I booked an appointment with a psychologist, for me alone, to help with this whole thing.

I am sorry; at this point, I am rambling. I know I am the only one who can decide what's okay and comfortable for me or not. It's ultimately my choice and my choice only. The emotional hell I am going through just makes thinking about that choice very hard and paralyzing. I'll go to both therapies and try to see what to do from here.

I'll try to update, but it's probably going to take a while. I am sorry. I want to thank you again for your support, and I am sending you guys a lot of love.

EDIT : a couple of infos I should have mentioned but didn't because putting all of that into writing without omitting something is much harder than I thought.

He cut off contact with her because once he told him he was married and wanted us both, she just ran away and broke up with him. There are times since then where my husband starts feeling sad or angry because of what's basically withdrawal. And for that he's smart least sensible enough not to blame me.

What kind of marriage did we had before this crisis? It will sound so naive… It's my first and only romantic relationship, we were very close and basically grew as adults together. We could talk about anything and understand each other. We shared the same values and interests. What changed… I think… Is that we got into a routine and he got bored.

During our argument he said he was addicted to the attention the girl was giving him and that he felt I didn't show him I was in love with him enough anymore. I told him that even if it was true, he should have told me instead of having an affair. On one hand I have my faults too and I could accept this as one of them, on the other I was taking care of him and the house while he was sick. I don't think he believes it, I don't think he means it. But it makes me wonder whether I was actually a good wife for him. Even though I am not responsible for his actions.

Thanks again for your support y'all. It's a lot, A LOT, to process but it helps me. So much.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she and her husband have kids and plans on getting counseling

OOP: Kids are off the table. If we do go into counseling, and it goes exceptionally well, maybe we'll talk about it. But for now, the distrust is already there. He says "I love you" but I never know whether it's to regain my trust, whether he means it or not. Even if he does, does he love me or is it a lie he tells himself?

DogOfTheBone: If you choose to stay, don't be surprised if in a year you find him talking to someone again. Cheaters are sneaky. They'll show remorse and swear they've changed. Meanwhile they're smirking inside because they've started a new affair and think they can get away with it this time.

OOP: Thank you. It's obvious and well known. "Once a cheater, always a cheater"… but reading it helps me fight denial. I really need to break up with him. If not for myself, just to show him that actions have consequences.

----NEW UPDATE----

: July 26, 2024 (3 months later)

TL;DR: We are divorcing! Hooray!

TW: emotional affair, manipulation, self-harm threats, psychological abuse.

Hey. I hope you are doing well.

Original post , and previous post . A huge amount of things happened since then. I'll quickly summarize, feel free to check my profile if you want to know more. It was a very, very unpleasant ride.

So, soon-to-be-ex husband had an emotional affair online and tried to make me greenlight it by asking for an open marriage (where we'd be allowed to have "side adventures"). I refused and his affair partner dumped him.

He begged me to try to reconcile with him, to which I "agreed" while I was actually trying to prepare my exit. We both went to individual therapy (still am). We separated temporarily three times, but every time I came back, it went terribly. He was desperate. He kept trying to cross my boundaries, love bombing me, playing the victim, asking to touch me even though I established I didn't want to, threatening to kill himself if we were to divorce… I could go on and on.

This made me finally realize (along with my therapist's help, lot of self-reflection and my exchanges on reddit) that I was in an abusive relationship. Which is an important part (actually THE MOST IMPORTANT part) of this update: please look up definitions and examples of abuse, because I had NO IDEA that what my husband had been doing all these years, even before the affair, counted as such.

In his case it was psychological abuse: manipulation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, emotional blackmail. Nothing aggressive or mean. Which turned me into a very submissive partner over the years, always catering to his needs while erasing mines. I rationalized everything. It happened subtly and gradually and I was too naive to see it for what it was. His emotional affair and open marriage proposal were the natural continuity of that.

Of course, the more I tried to get away from him, the more manipulative he got. Now that I was aware of it, I knew what he was doing - but fighting years of conditioning, even if you recognize it and succeed, is f*cking exhausting and disarming. So, earlier today, I brought a friend home to assist me. We sat down, the three of us, and I told my husband we were over and I handed him the papers.

It might sound dumb but it's genuinely one of the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was terrified.

Yet he agreed. He repeatedly asked me if I was sure. He reminded me of the family we were planning to have and of our best memories together - "Was it all for nothing?". Apparently, yes. He was heartbroken. Clearly mad and frustrated. But still, he agreed. He signed them and went back to his parents for now.

We still have to go through the whole procedure, separate our assets, decide what to do with the house and all. And he still wants us to go to marriage counseling. But right now? I feel free, for the first time in months. The last hours have been a mix of tears, celebration and godly, restful sleep.

And I have to thank you guys again, because my first Reddit post was the wake up call I needed to eventually, finally(!) get here. Better late than never ig. Thank you so much.

Lot of love to you all.

Relevant Comments

FeeHonest7305:

He reminded me of the family we were planning to have and of our best memories together - "Was it all for nothing?". Apparently, yes. He was heartbroken.

That's a special kind of asshole. "Was it all for nothing?" after cheating on his partner. He sounds like an insufferable dickhead honestly.

Congrats on your freedom.

OOP: I know right? The hypocrisy! The nerves of this man.

The worst part is that he appears very charming to everyone who knows him (myself included). Hell lot of people from our circle (who are aware of what he did) still think he's a good person who just "lost himself" for a while.

I guess it's hard to accept the ones we love can be terrible persons, too.

AnyDecision470: You have been through a long, hard journey, and it will take awhile yet, but you are investing in yourself and your health and happiness!! Good for you!

Continue self-care, and practice safety and security. Slow down and heal so that you will be strong and ready to seek and recognize true love.

Wishing you a joyous future! You can do this!!

OOP: Thank you! I'll do my best. I like to think the hardest part is behind me but this story taught me to expect the worst. Whatever happens tho, from now on, it's me first. I deserve love and happiness and I'll fight for it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 19th January 2024

- 1st August 2024

DNA confirmed that I (39m) have a daughter (18f), What now?

And yeah, I feel just as you would imagine. But it gets worse. She lives in the US, I'm in Europe. I don't know how to do this and really need advice.

So what happened is that months ago i got a call from a US number. Didn't answer since I don't know anyone there. Then again the same day, so I answered ready to yell at some scammer. A girl on the other side introduces herself and just say that she thinks I might be her father. That was the first thing she said. "Hi my name is Jane and I think you might my father." (fake name). Obviously I told her I don't have any children and that she has the wrong number. But then she drops a name I haven't heard in, you guessed it, 18 years! Back around that time I was in the US for a year on a job exchange with our sister company. Met a woman there and we hooked up over maybe a few months. I remember buying condoms after meeting her but I can't remember if we used them every time. Anyway I gave her my non-US number but never heard from her again.

The girl on the phone asks me if my name is OP and I freak and almost hang up on her. She tells me more about her mother and I just sit there like an idiot. She'd found my name and number in her mother's diary, and now as she turned 18 she wanted to contact me. She lives with her relatives now since her mother is unable to take care of herself for some reason. I still don't know the details there.

She ask me if I'd be willing to do an ancestry DNA test and even offered to pay for it. She ends by saying I should think about it and ask if she can call me again. I just say sure and we hang up. I swear I was about to faint right there and then. The whole conversation lasted only like 5 minutes.

I end up taking the test and we talk a few more times. The test took forever but yesterday she sent me a screenshot of her profile matching 50% to mine. I mean, that's just it right? We havent spoken since, just messaged some. I lied and told her I've been busy and we'll talk later, which now makes me feel like an ass. Up until this point I've kept it together, holding on to the thought that I'm probably not the dad, but now I can't deny it. Its probably been half my life since I last cried.

I haven't told anyone this. I was kinda hoping the DNA test would come back negative and then I wouldn't have to. How to even break this to my family? I just know they'll all want her number so they can call her and then they would start flying over to see her or bringing her here. They're really pushy like that. My mom is going to freak out. I don't see my family more than a few times a year, but we'll all get together during easter. Should I do it then with all of them at once or one at a time? I have a picture of Jane, but not much more info than what I've written here. I'm the youngest sibling and now I suddenly have the oldest of the cousins in the next generation. And I never wanted kids at all. I just don't like them and hate being tied up. Even had a vasectomy since then.

And that's the easy part. The real problem is what to say to Jane. Can some sane person give an example of what to say? I've promised to call her tomorrow.

Has anyone discovered they have an unknown child? If so, what did you do? How did it go? How did you connect? What happened when you met for the first time? What did your family say?

I'm a bit embarrassed by this, but is there any risk of me having to pay child support retroactively? I can probably afford it, but I don't really want to.

tldr: Got contacted by a young girl claiming to be my daughter, DNA later confirmed. Need help on how to proceed and what to say to her and my family.

Edit:

I apologize for the abomination of a text above. I blame the alcohol.

Some seems to have the impression that I and/or my family are wealthy. This is not so. I wrote in a comment that knowing my family, they would probably rent a private jet and fly her here. That was a joke commenting on what they would want to do, not what they would do. No I'm not wealthy either. In the post I wrote "I can probably afford it, but I don't really want to." and I meant that I'd hate to suddenly have something like 10% of my savings left overnight (just guessing here, no idea what the actual sum would've been). I'm sure anyone here would consider that factor. Anyway someone said the limit is 3 years back. I didn't know that. I can be an asshole sometimes, but I'm not some monster. The money question was A question, not THE question.

Yes, I have had my number for a long time. Never had a reason to change it.

We had our first video call today, and it was a long conversation. I had a list of things to bring up, mostly from suggestions here, so ever thankful for that. Most of it was quite personal for both of us, so I won't write it here. But it boils down to that we both want to continue to stay in touch and get to know each other. We also want to meet at some point, even if we don't know when yet. Her family knows of me and they will join a call in the future so I can speak to them as well. I will hold off on telling my family for a while, but I will probably tell them one at a time.

Comments

HoshiJones

My husband found out he had a grown daughter, from way back before we met.

It all turned out great. She's wonderful, her husband is too, and our family got a bit bigger, with more people to love.

The hardest parts of raising a kid is over for Jane. All she wants is to know her father. You're not obligated, of course, but what would be the down side? She doesn't need a kidney, does she?

OOP: How did it go when she and your husband met for the first time? Did you go with him?She didn't mention any kidneys atleast

HoshiJones

It went really well. My husband's biological daughter (my stepdaughter), and the two of them went to meet her. They all got along great.

I met her when she and her husband came to visit. They're both adorable people. I hope you and Jane get along well.

Edit: They're both his biological daughters, I meant to say the daughter we knew about went with my husband to meet the daughter we didn't know about.

UsuallyWrite2

I’d do an actual paternity test but I think that the circumstantial evidence alone supports that this kid is in fact yours.

What to do?

Well, first, if you have a partner, tell them.

Next, tell your kid “listen, here are the circumstances of how I met your mom. I had no idea about you and this is quite shocking news so I apologize if I don’t get this all right on the first go.”

And then talk. Find out what she wants out of this. Take it slowly.

OOP: No partner

And yeah she deserves to know what happened at least

DaikonNecessary9969

If her mom can't take care of herself and she is reaching out she is probably hoping for you to be emotionally supportive.

Update - 7 months later

A while back I made a post asking for advice. Back then I had just had it confirmed by DNA that I had a daughter I never knew about. I called her Jane in the other post so I will here too. Jane is the result of me hooking up with a woman while I was in the US working:

It was really interesting to read about other's experiences in the comments and DMs. It's crazy what DNA tests have done in recent times. Some wrote that Jane is probably just a kid looking for her roots and you were absolutely right. I've been getting a steady stream of DMs since my last post. Most have been nice, just asking for an update. Then there were the absolute nutcases who can't read and told me to drown myself. Hi to you too.

Jane and I continued to talk after my last post. Mostly about her life, her mother, the family trees etc. I never thought I would connect with her like I did. She's a very intelligent and mature young woman.

My family knows now and it went better than expected. Mom and sister still went a bit apeshit, but dad knocked them out with a large club he always carry with him (to the nutcases, no that last bit didn't actually happen). Funny thing, my brother in law actually distracted mom by reminding her that she has made sweaters for all the other grandkids but now she's way behind on one.

All of them understandably wanted to call her, but my daughter (yes its pretty cool to be able to say that) and I had already planned to have that call the following day. And it went really well. We made introductions, explained everything that had happened and that we planned for me to meet her by myself before anything.

And guess what, we did meet! I flew over for a 10 day stay since I'm on leave and she's working during the summer. That way we could hang out in the evenings and weekend and I could go full tourist during the day. It was surreal from the start. I landed at the very same airport I left from almost two decades ago and she was there to meet me together with her aunt. I can't describe with words what it was like to hug her for the first time. I'd seen her many times in video calls but she was just so beautiful irl I started crying. I met so many people in the first couple of days I can't remember the names of half of them.

I gave her the sweater from my mother, a hand drawn family tree from my niece and a gift I made myself, but I won't tell what that one was =)

While I (still) don't agree with the Georgia weather, I had a blast during the days just walking around town. I went to Janes workplace almost every day and pretended to be a regular customer. We had lunch and dinners either alone, or with the rest of her mothers side of the family. All of them were so nice and welcoming to me. I visited their house every day, but chose to stay at a hotel since I didn't want to be a bother or impose myself too hard on Janes life.

Obviously Jane and I talked a lot. About anything and everything, but mostly about her upbringing and her mother. I mentioned in the previous post that her mother wasn't able to care for Jane. I didn't press that subject much at first, but it was unavoidable after a while. I won't get into all the details, but her mother is sick and has lost some cognitive functions. She recognizes Jane and some family members well enough, other's not so much. We went to visit the facility where she lives and Jane introduced me by name (and not as her father). She sadly didn't recognize me, so I stayed in the background for the remainder of our stay. Seeing a woman not much older than myself in such a state was a somber experience.

So yeah, that was me rambling a bit about what happened after my last post. There was obviously a lot more, but most of it is deeply personal and emotional and I won't go through it here. I'm back home and we are keeping communications open. I'm definitely gonna fly Jane over here at some point when life allows it. But other than that, we have no specific plans for the future.

Hope you all have a nice day =)

Comments

Sensitive-World7272

This is so awesome! Congrats on the daughter. I’m really happy she reached out to you.

spasH_

It's heartwarming to hear how well things went—wishing you both the best moving forward!

efrendel

Things seem to be going well. I'm sorry to hear about her mother, that sucks. Also, that tidbit about a sweater was hilarious!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

I [25F) can't get over the fact that my boyfriend [26M] of 2 years told me that my now-colleague is the only "10" he knows of

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Thanks to + for suggesting this BoRU

: February 21, 2019

Short background: Me and John met at uni during our bachelor's degree. He was in a relationship with someone else until the last year and we started dating about 6 months after that. I have never been this happy in a relationship before and we're on the same page about everything regarding future plans. I honestly feel like I'm behaving super silly, but given how long it's been I think I need some outside perspective.

This conversation happened almost 2 years ago. At the time, we weren't official yet, but had been dating for a while and were on our first vacation together. We were talking about looks in general and as a game, he asked me to rate myself on a scale from 1-10 and I in turn, asked him back. Then he asked who I thought was a 10. I've always thought that the only people who are tens are celebrities (because they get paid to look good plus photoshopped and what not), I just mentioned one or two. I of course asked him back and he said "Well, I think Julie is a definite 10".

So my heart sinks, because Julie was also in our class. I never knew her that well, a couple of conversations over the years, but she was never that involved in after-class activities or anything. And, as it happens, I had previously picked up on the fact that he seemed annoyed about the fact that she never joined the social stuff. As I aspire to approach situations as drama-less and logical as possible, I just say that I agreed that she is good looking. The thought nagged at me for a long while, but I decided to try and ignore it as best as possible while knowing that there we just had a few months left until summer and everyone had their degree.

In the fall I started my awesome job. There were two positions available when I applied, and guess who got the other one? YES you are correct, it was Julie. So now, we are colleagues and I see her every-damn-day. She's nice and we get along well. But the fact that I have to see here everyday ends up in me comparing us, and I am so annoyed with myself for it. And like 2-4 times a month, I'm in bed, and the comment pops into my head and my heart sinks.

So a few months ago, after a couple (a lot) of drinks and our first real discussion about something unrelated, but sort of tangent, so I brought it up. Keep in mind, things were a bit heated due to the other discussion. I said something along the lines of "I know this might be stupid to bring up, as there isn't really anything you can do about it, but it's been bothering me." And after I explained he looked me in the eye said "Well, I can't do anything about that, I think Julie is the perfect ten". Sooo, let's just say that didn't help.

So, I've obviously though about this a lot and I think one of the main reasons this is nagging at me in the degree it is, is that I've never been one to focus too much on looks. I do my make-up in like 5 minutes and just put clothes on without much thought. Its honestly something I've always prided myself on, considering the people I hung around with while growing up, who did care a lot. John however, cares about looks. And this is also the first relationship I'm in where I'm honestly afraid that I'm the party with more feelings than the other. Which was exacerbated by the fact that I had to push for us to become official due to him saying it wasn't really that important being official and because he felt it was a very short time after his relationship with his ex ended.

So kind people of reddit, please give me some advice on how to forget this or handle it in a better way than I'm doing now.

tldr: my boyfriend told me another girl, who was a classmate of us at the time and is now my colleague, was the only perfect ten he knew of.

EDIT: Just to make this clear - I agree the rating system is immature. A lot of people are however saying I should dump him over this and I just want to make it clear that you are now reading the worst thing that has happened during our relationship, which I honestly think is a good indication that we really do have a great relationship. While I agree it was a thoughtless thing of him to say, at this point, this is really my problem. I've gotten some good advice and observations in the comments and I'm trying to reply to some of them, thank you.

Edit 2: I'm seeing a lot are commenting on the timing of when I brought the issue up, so I should probably explain why I felt in was tangent to our conversation at the time. When I said he cares about looks, it's mostly due to his passion for clothes. While it's not one of my own interests, I've actually learned a great deal about it during our time together and respect the fact that he cares. We were meeting a couple who were friends of his and it was my first time meeting them. He told me as I was coming out of the shower that I should mind what I was putting on, and to remember that they too care about fashion. Which he knows that I do not. Which honestly pissed me off and made me feel less-than, so I brought it up when we came home.

Anywho, I'm having trouble following all the comments, but I'm trying to read all of them. Thanks again to everyone who's bothered replying.

Relevant Comments

[Deleted]: this is ridiculous. it reminds me of the time my ex was talking about how some other girl had better pussy than me with his friends and i was literally sitting right there. don’t put up with this. you deserve to be with somebody who thinks you’re the most beautiful woman on the planet. seriously, raise your standards.

edit: why did you “push” him to become official? why are you pushing a man to do anything? this one clearly isn’t that thrilled about being with you at all. i’d say it’s time to move on.

OOP: That sounds awful!!

Well, we startet sleeping together in January, started dating at the 3 month mark and come late November, neither of us had brought up being official yet (but had the exclusive-conversation right after we started dating). After being hounded by friends and family for months asking why we weren't a couple yet, I brought it up and he responded by saying he didn't feel it was that important. So I was sad and figured I should probably break it off, but we continued hanging out and in December we agreed to make it official.

dirtgirlbyday: Pushing him to be official makes you sound like his backup plan. Commenting on another womans attractiveness in the manner he did makes it seem like he is waiting for something better to come along.

OOP: I agree, I think that's why it bothers me ao much.

Copying from another comment regarding the "push" for becoming official, which may have heard a bit more dramatic than it actually was:

Well, we started sleeping together in January, started dating at the 3 month mark and come late November, neither of us had brought up being official yet (but had the exclusive-conversation right after we started dating). After being hounded by friends and family for months asking why we weren't a couple yet, I brought it up and he responded by saying he didn't feel it was that important. So I was sad and figured I should probably break it off, but we continued hanging out and in December we agreed to make it official.

: July 26, 2024 (5 years later)

Hi everyone,

I love updates, so I figured I should give one to my only popular post instead of just my usual lurking.

Original post:

It's a bit hard to remember details after 5 years, but we had a big blow-out some time after I posted this. I snapped at one point after he pushed the issue when I had told him I didn’t want to talk about it, and ended up telling him how mean that was (aka the later comment: "well, I can't do anything about that, I think Julie is the perfect ten") and how insecure it made me. He realized that the comment was unnecessary and apologized.

However I just got into a funk for a couple of days after the confrontation, partly due to the comments on this post that were quite harsh. He got super worried when I was subdued after 3 or so days, and he apologized profusely and said he would work on his stubbornness, communication, and be better at complimenting me. In addition, he explained that the comment was partly due to the style of communication he and his ex had, where where each of them just dug themselves deeper into their positions when they had any sort of disagreement.

And I'm happy to say that he did improve massively. He is still stubborn and can still quickly go on the offense in discussions we have, but we are now married (he proposed), have a 1.5-year-old boy, and we are happy. This remains one of our biggest argument to date.

Sidenote: I changed jobs, but so did Julie, and we ended up at the same firm - again!! So we are still colleagues, but there are 1000+ people at our office so I don’t see her as much nowadays. I still catch myself interested in what she posts on SM, but that’s about it. I rarely think about her or this situation.

TL;DR: we are happy, got married, had a baby

Comments

Glamonster: Bruh, the whole 1-10 rating system is ridiculous. There is no objective 10, my friends think that my type is ugly af and I think their types are as boring as a piece of white bread.

But why the hell would you rate another woman, who is not your spouse, higher than your actual spouse unless you want to hurt them? I have no idea. Like, if I like someone they would be the most beautiful person in the world for me, even if objectively they look like Quasimodo.

Edit: To all the people that say that truth matters, its only your truth. If you genuinely think that whatever celebrity is hotter than your partner, well, I think that they are not hotter than mine. Yes, really. Like I can't comprehend feeling that the person you love is not the hottest thing in the entire the world. Even if they are old/sick or disfigured.

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Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 14th July 2024

- 27th July 2024

Doctors refusing to prioritize a 1yo at risk of skin cancer

Our 1yo has a large mass on their leg. We are nervous. Pediatrician said give it two weeks to go away. It didnt. Pediatrician said they werent sure and ordered an ultrasound. Ultrasound said it is isolated to soft tissue but was inconclusive otherwise… recommended biopsy and/or contrast mri. Got sent to regular dermatologist. They refuse to do anything and say go to pediatric dermatologist. So all these doctors are like “I dont know that doesnt look right” and thats it.

Now we live in a BIG city and there is only one pediatric dermatologist practice in the entire city. So we call them and they say we can fit you in JANUARY 2025. We say we just want to rule out cancer.

Nope, still January. I dont think Im special but you seriously cant help us rule out cancer until January? Literally every other patient between now and January is an equal or higher priority? Bullshit. Half the appointments are probably people overreacting to a case of eczema. Bump someone and help us rule out cancer.

So now we are frantically looking outside our city for an appointment. We have really good insurance and feel like the entire healthcare system is failing us hard. I realize we are probably overreacting and its just a benign mass … but it could be a soft tissue sarcoma just being left to do its thing while the healthcare industry fucks around.

Anyone else have a similar issue? Is there some other doctor type we can go see?

Comments

ialyxx

Have the pediatrician do peer to peer with the pediatric dermatologist. I worked for a physician and this is what he did to get patients seen right away by a physician who was otherwise booked out.

thats-the-tea_sis

OP, this is how you need to do it. I was a medical assistant and this is how doctors get their patients in quicker for priority cases. This is a priority. Do not take no for an answer. Go to the practice manager of you have to. I don't usually advocate for being a Karen, but go full Karen - if you're trying to rule out cancer in your child, you do what you have to do.

In the meantime, continue doing what you're doing by looking for another specialist outside your immediate area who can get you in sooner. Always have a back up plan.

EDIT: OP, you could also try calling the hospital that the pedi derm office is affiliated with and see if they have a patient advocate group. They might be able to provide some assistance. I'm not sure if every hospital system has this, but it would be worth looking into! I've been thinking about you and your kiddo's situation all day, trying to think of other things you can try, too. Everyone's had great suggestions. This comment thread is the one to follow!

EDIT 2: OP, don't be afraid to see a PA or NP. I can tell you from experience, a lot of patients didn't want to see our mid-levels because they thought they weren't experienced or knowledgeable. They can order the same tests as a doctor and if they have any questions, they will go straight to the MD for further discussion. Mid-level providers are excellent. So, if you're offered an appointment with a PA or NP, take it. At the very least, you get your foot in the door.

singleoriginsalt

This, OP. FULL KAREN.

Update - 13 days later

We found a pediatric dermatologist outside of our area that was able to fit us in quickly. They were incredible. Did a biopsy straight away. One week later results came back as a very rare manifestation of leukemia. Doctor that did the biopsy pre-registered us at the big childrens hospital ER and said drop what you are doing and go now.

Already started chemo two days later and outlook is looking positive so far. Long road ahead and our lives will be forever changed, but thank goodness we caught it thanks to that stupid lump. There were zero symptoms that our toddler had cancer and probably wouldn’t have been for weeks or months while it spread.

Also, most assumed Im the mom and should go full Karen until I get help. Im actually the dad. I recall a reddit post from a a few years back that figured out the male equivalent of a Karen is a Terry. Luckily, it didnt come down to me going full Terry on anyone.

TL;DR: Stupid lump no one took seriously ended up being a rare tell our toddler had leukemia.

Comments

Short_Pomegranate_58

I remember your post! I’m so happy you guys were able to get in and get the help you needed! I can’t imagine what could have happened if you waited for that initial appt. way out

fashionmagnolia

I'm very sorry about your child's diagnosis but I just wanted to say that you are an incredible parent. Your child is so lucky to have you as their advocate and you guys are going to kick cancer's ass! We'll be thinking of and praying for you.

millennialreality

I remember this post and I am so happy you pushed for a faster appointment and are getting treatment. Praying for fast healing for your baby

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Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not OOP. OOP is and they posted in and

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old. 

Editor's Note: This is LONG. Also, I changed letters to names to make it easier to read.

Trigger Warning: Harassment and stalking

June 13, 2024

Hello, I’m 26 years old. Kyle, 34, and I are getting married soon and are expecting our first baby. We've been in a relationship for 7 months and the baby was a surprise for both of us. The problem since the beginning of our relationship has been Kyle’s sister, Bella (36).

Kyle and I were introduced by his younger brother Victor (27) during Kyle’s divorce process. He had been separated from his wife for over a year, and I had just ended a long-term relationship. We started talking and eventually became friends with benefits. Neither of us wanted a relationship immediately; he had started treating his depression and I had recently changed my medication for anxiety as well.

Months later, his divorce was finalized, and two months after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. One month into our relationship, he arranged a family dinner since I already knew his brother and mother. At the dinner, I met Bella, who began harassing me in every possible way—my accent, my clothes, my hair, trying to make me look stupid, all in a passive-aggressive manner. Both Kyle and his brother and mother defended me, but Bella got offended and left early.

Since then, Kyle and I have had low contact with Bella. She is still best friends with Kyle’s ex-wife and, being the control freak she is, thinks Kyle shouldn't have divorced his ex. To me, this was super bizarre. For months, she said I was Kyle’s AP and the reason for his divorce.

She told everyone in our social circle, and it eventually reached us, which is ridiculous. Kyle ended things with his ex due to personal issues; there was no infidelity. We didn’t even know each other when he started the divorce process, and I was still with my ex. This rumor persisted for about 4 months despite our denials. She even spread the rumor to their extended family. It spread so far that it reached my grandparents. The situation became so complicated that Kyle’s mother, a woman of impeccable reputation, had to refute the lies her daughter had created.

After this, we decided to cut her off completely, avoiding places where she would be. Even so, she continues to lie about me, claiming I cheated on my ex (he cheated on me), that I told Kyle to cut off his ex completely (I never commented on his relationship with his ex), and that I wanted to be with Victor (his long-term girlfriend is my best friend). She calls me promiscuous and says I'm only after Kyle’s family money (we have similar financial situations), and the worst thing she said about me was that if even my mother abandoned me, no man wouldn’t abandon me (my mother has schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder; my father divorced her after she stopped treatment and tried to kill me, and yes, she abandoned me after that).

I am pregnant and we recently found out. I’m not yet 12 weeks along, but Kyle told his brother and best friend. His best friend told his wife, who then told Bella. Bella always hosts events, and at the last one, she made sure her friends told Kyle’s ex ( Kyle didn’t want kids before) and now Bella and Kyle’s ex are spreading rumors that I’m just a rebound and that my relationship with Kyle won’t last, and when his ex finds someone new, Kyle will crawl back to her.(and now I am afraid that this might be true.)

I can’t take it anymore. I’m exhausted. Kyle and I hardly talk to his family and still, she doesn’t stop. She wants me to disappear and for Kyle to leave me. All I really want is for my baby to grow up in a healthy environment. I don’t want a broken home like the one I had, and this petty woman won’t even let me try. I am not a home-wrecking monster, I just fell in love with someone who loves me back.

So, how do I deal with this? What should I do? I don’t want to cause more trouble; I don’t want to be what she says I am.

Relevant Comments:

ElementalHelp:

It's way past time to hire an attorney to send B a cease-and-desist letter. You have a case for slander. Get the law involved.

OOP:

I feel like I would be breaking the family if I did that.

ElementalHelp:

Then get some therapy because that's not a sensible feeling given the circumstances so that indicates that you have some things to work through on your side.

You're completely a victim in this situation and the only person that is breaking the family is the one viciously attacking you and spreading horrible lies about you.

You need to start learning how to stand up for yourself or people are going to continue to walk all over you. Speak to a professional so that you can actually seek justice for yourself and not just continue to allow yourself to be abused.

OOP:

I know, I am a people pleaser and I always want to see others well even if it costs me a lot. But this has been hurting me and my husband. I am going back to therapy; I stopped going a few months ago, but I don't think I am well at the moment

June 14, 2024 (1 day later)

I'm (26f) engaged, and our relationship is pretty recent, but we're expecting a baby (9 weeks). I had to switch my meds for GAD because of the pregnancy, on doctor's advice, and my crazy SIL has been making my life hell. After a rumor from my SIL, everyone’s calling me a rebound, and I'm starting to believe it.

I've never been the other woman, but I met my future husband in person during his divorce, and we got involved. Even so, it feels like I wrecked his 12-year marriage, like I'm some homewrecker who ruined everything. His ex is beautiful, elegant, has everything figured out, and she's one of the best in her field. How can I not feel insecure? I don't know how I didn’t feel insecure before. He has a career, he's financially stable, he's got everything sorted out, and I'm a mess. I want to be a pediatrician, but I don't know how to do that now that I'm pregnant. I don't know if I should drop out of med school, I haven’t got it together.

I’d never marry me. Let alone have a family. Why would anyone have a kid with me? My mom has BPD and schizophrenia, she almost killed me when I was 4, and then she ran off and never talked to me again. What if I turn out like her? I’m scared every day of getting PPD and not being able to love my baby, not being able to take care of him, afraid I might try to hurt him.

Sometimes I think it’d be better to give my baby to my fiancé and maybe he could raise him with his ex. They’d be the perfect family, and I could disappear like my mom did. Then I hate myself for thinking that, but I love my fiancé, I love my baby.

I hate myself because I can't tell my fiancé this. I'm scared again of being a rebound and him finally realizing I’m a rebound and he doesn’t want me anymore, not me or the baby, or worse, he'll take my baby and go back to his ex.

I didn’t feel like this before, I’ve always been anxious, but never this insecure. I don’t know what’s happening to me

Relevant Comments:

OOP on why her fiancé got a divorce:

It's kinda complicated because it’s basically about my fiancé’s mental health. He told me he married her because it was the right thing to do, not because he loved her. They'd known each other forever and ended up getting married really young. It took him a long time to realize this because he was dealing with depression and thought that lack of feeling was just part of being depressed. During his treatment, he figured out he didn’t love his ex, that he was just going through the motions to meet his dad’s expectations (he had a really abusive relationship with his dad). He thought it was only fair to both him and his ex to ask for a divorce.

OOP on the timeline of her relationship with her fiancé:

We've been officially together for 8 months, and a year in total. We talked about marriage when we started living together, but it was a plan for a year from then. I found out about the pregnancy while doing some tests, and then he proposed because it was already in our plans, but the pregnancy just wasn't. He was married for 12 years, but I think he was with his ex for like 16 years.

July 16, 2024 (a month since previous post)

Hey everyone.

I posted here a while back and it helped me rethink some past situations. Now I need advice on my current situation: I have a terrible relationship with my SIL. She’s best friends with my fiancé's ex and hates that I’m "ruining her best friend’s life." (There was never any cheating or flirting while my fiancé was with his ex.) It got to the point where I had to contact a lawyer to get her to stop harassing and verbally abusing me.

After the cease and desist letter, she was quiet for a while. Last weekend, she sent me a box with gifts like drinks, food, and some makeup, plus an invitation to be one of her bridesmaids. She wrote a long letter asking if I would accept this honor as an apology for everything she did.

The problem is, I’m actually considering accepting to see if we can at least coexist without pointless fights. On Saturday night, I showed the invite to my fiancé and said I was thinking about it, and it led to a huge argument. My fiancé holds a big grudge against his sister and really doesn’t want to talk to her ever again. But I want our baby to grow up in a big, happy family, even if it means making some sacrifices. He said he wasn’t invited to be a groomsman and thinks it’s just an excuse for SIL to call me a bitch. Kyle ended up saying he’s tired of my "naivety" because it always ends up hurting us since I assume the best of people. I went to my stepmom's after the fight and didn't know what to do. I came back home Sunday night after getting advice from my dad and stepmom.

I tried to ignore it and move on, but just the fact that she sent something caused a huge fight between my fiance and me. I want to resolve this in the best way possible. I’m starting my second trimester and everything feels more difficult and exhausting.

Kyle and I are both tired lately, and my pregnancy hasn’t been the easiest. We’re working extra, dealing with the stress of parenthood and marriage. I don’t want the fact that we want to handle things differently to cause problems between us. I really want to create a space where my baby can at least visit their grandma peacefully even if my SIL is there, but my fiance is ready to cut off his mom if necessary. So, how can I handle this situation?

edit: Some people here have been calling me toxic and saying my fiance should leave me. I know I messed up, but I love him with all my heart. I’m going to apologize as soon as he gets home.

We’ve never fought like this before, and I didn’t realize I did something so bad. I never meant to hurt him or prioritize anyone over him. I just thought I could make things work because I never had a typical family, and I feel like I ruined what he had with his family by being with him.

Sorry to everyone who’s disgusted by me. If he wants to break up, I’ll leave without complaining. I feel a tightness in my chest and sick to my stomach thinking I hurt someone I love.

Relevant Comments:

More info on the family from OOP:

We always have dinner with his younger brother and his girlfriend because I’ve been friends with them for a long time. But his mom refuses to come if my SIL isn’t invited, so she never shows up. She visited me once to check on me and the baby. Even so, he seems sad when he talks about it because they had this tradition for years.

He never said I’m the problem, but it feels like everything changed when I came along. Like if it was any other woman with him, it wouldn’t be this way

ElementalHelp:

You absolutely should not accept. If you got to the point where you had a cease and desist issued on this person, you need to remain no contact. People like this absolutely do not change. This is 100% a trap and you would be an enormous idiot to fall for it.

edit: People need to understand in the thread that asking OP to be her bridesmaid was a violation of a cease and desist order. Stop telling her to respond. She absolutely should not respond.

ypranch:

You need to let your dreams of a big happy family go. You should honor your husband's wishes and follow his lead with his sister.

Trying to achieve a relationship with her will lead to problems between you and your husband. She's toxic and can't be trusted.

Move on.

ZobieHealthy2616:

Sometimes family is the people who are always there for us rather than those connected by blood.

OOP comments after reading others' replies:

Reading the comments made me realize how blind I’ve been about everything. My SILs apology was everything I wanted in a way, hoping it would get me accepted into the family and make everything better.

I never wanted to disrespect my fiance or his boundaries with his family. He misses the family get-togethers on weekends with his mom, brother, sister, and in laws, and I feel like I’ve ruined everything and just wanted to fix things. I love him so much and just want a good pregnancy experience. Yeah, I’m anxious, had to adjust my meds for the pregnancy, and that plus hormones has made everything weird.

I’m going to talk to my fiancé, and probably my lawyer about the apology letter to see if anything can be done. I don’t want to deal with any harassment again.

**I went to my parents’ place because a lot of hurtful things were said, and I needed some space, and he did too.

July 19, 2024 (3 days later)

Hey everyone!

Great news: I'm going to be a mom to a baby boy! I like the names Lestat and Beau, and my fiancé likes Théodore and Gustav. I have to admit, I'm really loving Théodore too.

I want to thank you all and clarify a few things. Thanks for the advice. Some of it hurt when I first posted, but all of it was helpful in some way.

First off, I'm not a spoiled and childish girl forcing my will on my fiancé. His sister has always had problems with me, not with him. So, I thought it was something I had to handle. But as you all said, she's his sister, and they need to deal with it or not.

And yes, I'm an extremely anxious person who's been in therapy for years. I suffered abuse from my mother; my only family growing up was my dad. When my dad finally returned to his hometown, and we could have a family beyond the two of us, I was SA'd by someone trusted by that family. I've been working on this for a long time, but many may not understand how much this has impacted my pregnancy and choices lately. It feels like the problem is me, that I don't deserve love and family, and I'm so scared my son will have a similar experience that I can't stop thinking about it. But as many of you said, my family now is me, my baby, and my husband. I also have my dad, stepmom, grandparents, little brother, BIL Victor, and friends by my side.

So, the real update. The night I posted, I talked to my husband. He came home late from a shift and then went out drinking with Victor. I apologized for meddling in his relationship with his sister, for thinking I knew her better than he did, and for causing unnecessary conflict. I also apologized for putting the fantasy of a big happy family above his feelings.

I was shocked by his reaction because he cried, and he's usually very stoic. He apologized for saying he was tired of me and said it wasn't true at all, but it's hard to see the person you love most putting themselves in a position that hurts them just to please someone extremely narcissistic.

We apologized and spent the rest of the night talking. I asked if he needed a break from me because many of you said he should leave me, and he said that never crossed his mind, which was a huge relief. I had already imagined packing up to go to my parents' house.

We decided to politely decline the invitation, but my fiancé took a day off to handle the situation with his family. I didn't go because it's too stressful, and I'm still in the early stages of pregnancy with 5-6 months to go.

So, what came out of the family talk? My MIL was the one behind the invitation. She told my fiancé that she wouldn't attend the wedding or pay for it if the whole family wasn't there and that SIL should face the consequences of her actions. SIL could afford the wedding herself, but it would be a huge hit to her savings because it's going to be exorbitantly expensive. And having their mom not show up would be bad because SIL is a VP at her parents' company and many big contracts will be at the wedding. She needs to keep up appearances.

So, SIL thought inviting me as a bridesmaid and writing a heartfelt note would soften me up. And yes, my fiancé’s ex would be her maid of honor, and my fiancé wasn't asked to be a groomsman because the ex didn't want to see him with me. He would have been invited as a regular guest.

So, MIL is no longer paying for the wedding, but she will attend. My fiancé, Victor and his fiancée, and I will not go to the wedding.

Now I'm getting messages from unknown numbers calling me petty because SIL was going to honor me at her wedding, and I ruined her dream wedding. It's funny because it's a 36-year-old woman fighting with me because she wanted my fiancé to marry her best friend. She can't get over a divorce that's not even hers—good luck to her fiancé. I think I've realized she'll never directly attack her brother because of their mom, so she hurts me to get to him.

Some other things have come up, and we're going to try to distance ourselves more from her, especially with the baby on the way, because BIL said she has fertility issues and had a mental breakdown when she found out we were expecting. He said SIL seems to be jealous that we got pregnant so soon into our relationship. She had dreams of giving the first grandchild to the family since she's the oldest. Who knew a surprise baby could cause so much chaos?

Thanks to everyone for listening and sharing your experiences. See you!

*OK, NO BABY CALLED LESTAT, YOU WON!*I sent a message to Kyle about giving up on the name, he is the happiest man right now.

Relevant Comments:

tossout7878:

Please don't name your child Lestat 

Immediate_Mud_2858:

Definitely don’t name your child Lestat. It’s a tragedy, but not a tragedeigh.

ATouchofTrouble:

I have a Theodore, we call him Theo. So if you care about a random internet strangers vote, that one is mine. 🤣 But to be serious, I'm glad you & your partner sat down & had an adult discussion. A lot of problems brought to reddit can be solved by actual discussions. When attempts at discussion fail, that is when the more permanent options need to be considered.

jesuschin:

Any messages from unknown numbers just respond “lol I know. It’s so awesome”. Guaranteed to piss off whomever is sending them.

Also do not go for weirdo Dracula names

No-Mechanic-3048:

I’m glad you resolved this for now. And I recommend Theodore (but I’m biased since my 3 year old boy is Theo).

Also I went back and read your history. I clocked that the sil made fun of your accent… are you a different race or ethnicity from them? If yes she is probably racist as well as crazy.

OOP:

I guess. English is not my first language, and I really love my native language and I’m proud to speak with accent. But she is weird, like I’m white so she always talked my accent and stereotypes about my country, with the fiancé of my BIL it was ever weirder cause she is Chinese and adopted and once my SIL said something like “omg your people always put kids for adoption”, it is always a subtle xenophobia.

Complete_Entry:

Please don't name your kid Lestat. Even Buffy (the vampire slayer) finds that name lame.

Big Happy Family is a stupid lie made up by stupid people. Even with a large happy family you're going to run into conflict. How you react to that conflict is how families continue being a family.

SIL has a purse full of grenades with the pins out.

That wedding invitation may as well have had a lit cartoon fuse attached. The only winning move is not to play.

As to why you ran into so much "His sister, his problem" responses, R_A crosses over a lot with the JustNo network. They drag a lot of their baggage over here, including a weird relational PEMDAS, where each partner has to deal with their family exclusively. That's... not how life works. Life isn't a word problem in math class.

I wish they'd keep their stratagems in their sub. Grey Rock is helpful, "grow a shiny spine" not so much.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

It all stemmed from this by op where he complained about not making enough money and having too much debt.

For an average 30 year old guy like me, with a mediocre job ($80k a year), a mediocre amount of savings ($50k cash in the bank), a HECS debt ($50k debt), no other assets, no kids, no house, no partner, no inheritance coming in anytime soon... it kind of feels like a losing battle fighting to survive here.

I mean what am I going to do? Spend another 1-2 years saving up a 20% deposit on the cheapest, smallest 1 bedroom unit in a high crime rate suburb, just so I can be trapped in a job I hate for 30 years paying it off?

Does anyone else just feel like giving up on Australia and moving to SouthEast Asia, a tropical paradise with warm weather, a vibrant night-life, cheap rent, cheap food and friendly people?

Op getting clowned by the comment after complaining about the price of delivery food.

Op talks about getting money online.

Then it turns out, he is exposed by one of the redditor as he spends super recklessly while living at home.

This is gonna be fun :)

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 24th July 2024

- 30th July 2024

AITAH For Telling My Husband That I See Him As A Liability and Not A Partner?

Sorry for the long post, it's 2am and I'm crying and tired and worn out. If I'm rambling, it's because I've held this in for so long not wanting to burden friends or family with my marital troubles.

I 34F have been with my husband (37M, we'll call him Nathan) for 8 years. Ever since our daughter (3F) was born, I have been unable to trust Nathan with anything no matter how small.

Background context: When I was 19 after a semi truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and turned my car into scrap metal with me inside it. I have enough metal holding me together that I light up like a Christmas tree for TSA and physically impaired with good days and bad days. I used a portion of my settlement check to buy a house outright and have it retrofit to accommodate my needs as I'll eventually require a wheelchair. I work in software development as it's fun and nobody cares if I work from bed on bad days.

My husband has not worked in 5 years. Which has been fine until our daughter was born. Between the settlement money, a paid off house, and my salary, I enjoyed having him here with me. He contributed by handling most of the domestics. We pay for a weekly cleaner with monthly deep cleaning because it gave us more time together.

Ever since our daughter was born, it was like a light switch turned off in his head.

For our daughter, he would buy the wrong size diapers. Not fully mix bottles. Put diapers on backwards. Leave out poop-covered wipes. Forget to latch cabinets. This past week, he has gone to the store 3 times because he keeps coming home with the wrong size socks and shoes for her. I eventually just ordered the right ones on Amazon.

For me, he has tried to help me with my weekly pill organizer fill-up and several times has spilled the contents of new medications all over the floor. Then "not seeing" that he didn't get all of them off the floor. He has repeatedly brought me grapefruit juice to take my medications with - a huge no! He has repeatedly forgotten that I can't have dairy and puts milk in my coffee. Or cheese on a burger. He has broken SO many things of mine from being careless. He shattered my laptop because it slipped out of his hand when he tried to pack it for a trip. Even after I said I would pack my own electronics.

We've lost so many spoons and forks to the disposal. He tried to replace the head gasket in my car and over torqued the engine bolt (??) Which shattered insode the block and two different shops said they couldn't repair it. We ended up getting a new vehicle because a replacement engine would have cost $11,000. A week later, he crashed the new car into the garage door because he thought he'd pressed the brakes, not accelerator.

He wanted to do TikToks and streaming as a hobby. I supported him initially. But I quickly noticed a pattern. Anything regarding our daughter or me, he was sloppy and careless. He never whoops'd his own stuff. He would build entire sets to stream or make videos with, leave the garage, and leave his brain in the garage.

It came to a head four nights ago. He streamed himself building a new set piece. Nine hours straight. Meanwhile I worked, "clocked out early" to pick up our daughter from summer camp, cooked and fed both of us, got her ready for bed. He came out to help put her to bed. I let him know that I needed to get some work done and would be in my office. And I asked him to take the trash out. He says he will.

2 hours later, I left my office and the house felt really warm. He'd taken the trash out, but left our front door partially open. And was back in the garage with his game volume really loud. I panicked since our daughter is able to get out of bed and thankfully she was sound asleep. But she could have easily toddled right out of the house and he wouldn't have noticed.

Then I noticed a stove top burner was on. With a small pot on it with nothing inside.I didn't use the stove for cooking that night.

I pop my head into the garage and said "hey, I need you for a minute." I informed him of the door situation and he responds "i thought I locked it". We checked the camera and no, he did not. I ask about the burner being on and he said he was planning to make ramen and forgot. He pulled the still hot pot off the burner and put it straight into the sink on top of our daughter's favorite plastic plate. Which is now ruined.

I'll admit I overreacted and screamed "What are YOU DOING". He realized what he'd done and pulls the pot off our daughter's plate... and straight onto the countertop. I grab it quickly and run it under water to cool it down.

I tell him I can't tonight. I can't deal with him. I'm taking my meds and going to sleep. He gets a cup from the cupboard, and sets it straight onto the burner that'd been on.

I hit my limit. I started crying. He kept saying that it was fine, things happen, it's just an accident, he's had a rough day from streaming, he's just tired. Why am I crying, it's just a cup. We can replace it.

The anger hit and I said "It's because I have a liability and not a partner." He said "what the fuck does that mean". I screamed that it's because I can't trust him to do anything. That I'm always having to watch him like a child. Always having to bear the costs of his mistakes. That every time I get careless and think I can trust him to be an adult, I'm always the one getting fucked over. I then said "I can't see you as a partner anymore. You're just another liability in my checkbook".

He immediately stormed out of the kitchen and went to bed. I called my mom and told her what happened. She thinks it's just stress and offered to take our daughter for a week so we could figure this out without our daughter seeing it. She says it was an asshole thing to call my husband a liability.

In the morning, I told my husband that my mom would pick up our daughter from summer camp and offered to watch her for a week. He said "ok" and that's the only interaction we've had since. He spends all day in the garage playing games with his friends, making Tiktoks, and streaming. For food, he's been ordering DoorDash and having the person deliver it in the garage.

It's been days and he refuses to be in the same room as me. I've tried messaging him to ask if we can talk. Or figure out a solution. But he's just left me on read. If I pop into the garage, he ignores me but apologizes to his friends or viewers for the interruption and geek unmute his mic when the noise stops.

Before the blow up, I've asked if there was something going on. I tried to gently respond every time he screwed up so our daughter didn't associate "mistake" to "anger". I asked him to schedule with a doctor to see if something was going wrong medically. He always said I was over-reacting, people make mistakes. And didn't see an issue, even when the same mistakes kept happening. When I tried to get him to understand that it was concerning just how expensive his mistakes were getting, he'd wave it off as a "it's not like we can't afford it".

I love him dearly, I just miss the person he was before we had a child. The one I could trust and rely on. Did I screw this up forever? Was I being too harsh on his mistakes? Am I missing something? Am I the asshole?

Comments

jackieblueideas

I wonder how peaceful has it been for you since he started living in the garage. Has anything broke in your house? Any accidents happening?

Ok-Environment-1611

Peaceful but expensive. I wonder how he’s paying for all the door dash if he isn’t working? How much (of her) money is he blowing with his hobby and food when he’s not even going anywhere?

Ok-Device-1169

Thissss OP should honestly put a lock on her card. That'll force him out of the garage and then OP can tell him to get tf out

Listen_2learn

I’m sorry this is happening and I honestly think something is very very wrong with your husband.

There’s several occurrences that can’t be seen as mistakes and you are not overreacting.

Forgetting a pot on the stove is obviously dangerous - but leaving the door open with a toddler means he doesn’t seem to be situationally aware enough to keep his child safe.

It’s not just the same mistakes over and over again - it’s the fact that the consequences are getting worse and worse that can’t be minimized and ignored?!

He really shouldn’t be driving…anything. Nor should your toddler be left alone with him.

If he’s unwilling to seek medical advice and deflecting- you may need to consider having him leave your home- he’s a walking disaster- literally.

NTA

TierraKitteh

Exactly this. You were right to label him a liability. In the show "Why Women Kill" a toddler does in fact die because she was able to leave the confines of the yard and got hit by a car. The husband's mistress left the gate unlatched in her haste to escape. But the husband gaslit his wife for years, insisting she must have not closed the gate properly and therefore it's her fault their daughter died. But I digress. You don't want to get to a stage where his "mistake" leads to your daughter getting hurt. Or yourself. The fact that he refuses to take it seriously and not self-reflect is fuel to the fire. I'm not going to tell you to leave because it's your house; kick this deadweight out of your life. NTA.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 6 days later

Sorry for not being so responsive. Thank you to everyone who gave feedback and suggestions and all of the messages. It's been a week.

Before I get into the update, going to answer some repeated questions. (Skip ahead 8 paragraphs for the actual update)

Why does my husband not work? He can easily find employment but we both agreed that the pay was never worth the toxic environment of his field unless he wanted to start his own business, which he did not. He worked in home repair and renovation. It was gross how his coworkers spoke of and treated women, female customers and coworkers alike. He saw many female coworkers be sexually harassed into quitting. He hated how gross it made him feel when sales and adjusters would take advantage of women. Yes, selling inferior and unnecessary services at a premium is a thing. If he said anything, his hours would get cut until he left. He left one job on the first day because his boss left a screaming voicemail for not selling a refrigerant service to a young black couple who didnt even need refrigerant. Yes, he's got documentation and reported multiple employers to the state labor board. And checked back. Nothing was ever done to our knowledge.

He's also tried a factory job and a warehouse since leaving the trades. Both heavily penalized him for needing scheduled time off for my medical needs. Theres no worker protection here for any of that until FMLA - unpaid - which takes a year to be eligible for. Yes. It is a privilege to walk away from a paying job with your middle fingers held high. I have done the same many times but am happy where I'm at right now because its the opposite of toxic. I'm thriving and our company has a no penalty, unlimited paid sick/medical leave policy that is strictly "enforced" at all levels of management. Any lead who penalizes people for taking leave gets sacked. A unicorn of a company.

Add in a child and short of finding another unicorn employer who won't penalize him for needing time off for me or our daughter -such as when daycare closed for a week due to an RSV outbreak- puts him out of the workforce until either I stop working or our child old enough to not need consistent monitoring.

Last reason for this dynamic is that although I'm disabled, my job pays almost double the highest salary he's ever had. With no reduction in pay for needing time off. It doesnt make financial sense for us to switch who the working partner is.

2. Does my husband have a large following or make money from streaming/TikTok? No. His lives have an average of 6 viewers. And his Twitch has 3 followers. When we did our taxes, he didnt get a 1099 and he showed me that hed got all of $6 from TikTok live gifts. Nothing from Twitch. His viewer counts are about the same as end of last year.

3. Why do we still have a weekly housekeeper and have our daughter in summer camp and part-time daycare? I hate the dynamic of one spouse working a single job for 40 hours a week while the other juggles simultaneous domestic duties, child rearing (care, enrichment, socialization), and essentially being on call 24/7. I would not want those expectations of me and couldn't fathom putting all of it on someone I love and cherish. If my husband did all of the activities and field trips that daycare did, his evenings and weekends would be taken up by domestic duties that i would physically struggle with assisting.​ The weekly housekeeper helps prevent deferred cleaning "paralysis". Where small missed things pile up into unwieldy monster tasks and struggling with where to start. The monthly deep clean and organization has been a world of self care as we navigated to having an infant and the transition from infant to toddler.

(Edited to add: Our daughter started at the part time daycare when she turned 3. Before then, my partner was the primary caretaker which made the weekly housekeeping that much more helpful in not letting things fall to disarray.)

4. The "allowance" thing. Yes. I wanted a dynamic where my husband had his "own" money even if he was not working a paying job. Maybe I've been on social media too long, but I've read so many stories of non working spouses (albeit mostly women) being financially abused or unable to leave marriages because they did not have access to money they could save up in private. Should I have stopped it sooner when our dynamic became too unbalanced? Yes. I own that.

5. As for "what happens if/when we divorce", the house and settlement balance is in a trust completely separated and as far as my lawyer can tell, out of his reach. Alimony would be up for a judge to decide, but between my documentation, that his licenses/certs aren't expired, plus my continual medical costs, theres a good chance of not being obligated.

Hopefully that answers most or all of the background-related questions? Onto the update.

Friday I finished work to the smell of food being cooked. My husband was plating dinner on the table when I left my office. He said he wanted to talk over dinner.

Some people had given me a heads up that my story was on multiple TikToks and Im grateful because it meant being prepared for the possibility he would see it. Which, I have feelings about my post being used for content on the very platform my child and I have been neglected for. Not good ones.

He did see one. He asked if it was me and I told him the truth. Yes, I wrote it. Yes, that's how I feel. And Yes, I read the comments on Reddit. And no, I won't delete or change how I write about him just because I know he can see it. I don't know how to describe his reaction, but he said he'd spent the last day reflecting on "just how bad could it be" for so many medical diagnosis suggestions be given as reason and justification.

He did say that he's not ADHD. His mom was addicted to opioids and Ritalin when he was a kid and she tried to get numerous doctors to have him diagnosed ADHD. She had him believing he was so he also sought out two opinions once he was an adult. He didnt learn about her addiction until his mid 20's. He did seek therapy once he was aware that his mom was trying to use him for pills. He said he was willing to see a psychiatrist one more time, but he doesn't think he's ADHD or autistic at all. He does think he might be depressed though. If not depressed, he will ask about some of the other medical suggestions if it will ease my worry or rule out a major problem.

He did sound genuine in this but something he said is sticking with me. He said it jokingly and apologized as soon as he saw the hurt in my eyes. That everyone saying there's something wrong in his brain must be onto something since he chose to love and marry someone "medically fragile" knowing our life together would be anything but normal.

He did also admit that the night he'd left the door open, the pot on, ruined our child's favorite dish, and a cup - he'd drank a little too much on his stream. And would monitor that more closely. He said the last few nights, he had been filling his "wine bottle" with grape juice so it looked like he was a jolly drinking viking, but was actually sober. He said he would keep doing that.

After dinner, we went out and he surprised me with seeing the new Deadpool movie. We didn't go to our normal theater because he looked up what each theater had for limited edition popcorn buckets. I now have the baby Deadpool one that holds popcorn and a drink.

We spent the next day going over the extent of how our family dynamic changed for the worse. How the little things have added up. How I see "change" as a part of an apology - if you verbally apologize but repeatedly do the same thing, the apology words are worthless to me. And that he didn't recognize just how frequently he was making the same/similar oopsies.

Sunday, we spent talking over short and long term. What needs to change immediately, him scheduling his own doctor appointments. Timelines for expectations. He agreed that replacing or fixing things he caused will no longer come out of our expense account. He will pay it from his "allowance" account. Which we talked about. I did turn deposits back on, but only for $50 per paycheck. He suggested we keep it that way until he's "paid back" the cost of repairing the garage and car from earlier this year. He said it will take him far longer to undo the cost of destroying the engine to my last vehicle, but that he's going to step up and find ways to make it right. Just so you know.

Yes. I see the red flags. Love bombing. Not "knowing" how frequently despite repeated talks. Thinking verbal apologies are the final step in apologizing and not "understanding" that repeatedly doing the same problem thing is the same as never apologizing. And yes, I know he will read this.

Do I actually think this is resolved and we will come out of this as a perfect married couple who stays together until one of us croaks? Not really. (Full offense to husband, for now) Is it a potential resolution? Maybe. But my husband is fully aware that he has a lot to make up for, a lot to fix, and a tight schedule to make it happen. And that the lesson for our daughter (later in life) is either going to be "taking real accountability can steer a wayward ship back to course", "taking accountability is the right thing to do, even if you don't get the result you wanted", or "love alone isn't enough."

tldr: Wow this sucks. I suck for letting it get this far. My husband sucks for what he's put us through. Life owes me a dinner date if its gonna eff me so hard. But there's a potential path forward that doesn't involve divorce. And sometimes involves divorce.

Edit to add: He finally read the post so please read between the lines to what I'm actually saying. Last 4 words of the previous 4 paragraphs if it's not obvious.

Comments

No_Addition_5543

So he was breaking shit because he was drunk?

Why is his solution (to being drunk) filling his wine bottle with grape juice?

Is the wine consumption integral to his 7 online followers?

vancitymala

And yet not drunk enough to break his stuff… always hers… funny that

OpheliaDiamond1

The sheer volume of red flags in your situation is like a parade on the Fourth of July—impossible to ignore. It's commendable that you're handling this with such persistence and clarity, focusing first on his health, but the bottom line still looms: responsibility and partnership must follow. His unemployment paired with a lukewarm streaming hobby is cause for concern. It's not merely about bringing in money; it's about contributing to the household's emotional and physical well-being in a meaningful way.

ayotui

You're absolutely right. The red flags here are impossible to ignore. It's great that OP's husband is willing to seek help and make changes, but actions speak louder than words. If he doesn't follow through with real, tangible changes, all the promises in the world won't matter. Being a partner means more than just being physically present; it means actively participating in the relationship and the responsibilities that come with it. OP deserves a partner who pulls their weight and truly supports her and their child, not just someone who promises to do better.

Used_Mark_7911

I think you would find that if you separated, he would manage to find a way to keep a job.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

background

• (& ppl taking it seriously)

Posobiec — known for internet trolling, conspiracy theories and blustering rhetoric — said in a subsequent speech and in an interview with NBC News that his statements were largely satirical, poking fun at what he sees as a lack of democratic values from President Joe Biden’s administration.

“Welcome to the end of democracy. We are here to overthrow it completely. We didn’t get all the way there on Jan. 6, but we will endeavor to get rid of it.”

"A lot of the times, people in this sub ask why atheists are here, why atheists try to debate with christians, why do atheists try to disprove the validity of religion, etc. If you have had those questions - this is one of the answers why."

LATER...

Are you a doctor? Have you studied the cases of the kids and parents? Because the government injected itself into middle of a parent, child, and medical team’s decisions is not appropriate. Small government GOP my ass, are we living under the Taliban now? Same with a women’s right to choose, not your place, or a politician place to be. And next election you are going to find out people are sick of big government sticking their head in places they are not wanted.

You realize we are talking about a very very small percentage of the population that ever receives a medical intervention. The Trans hysteria has been drummed up by the GOP as a campaign issue. People just want the government to stay the hell out of the doctor’s office and the bedroom. We will see how the public reacts. Biden and other democrats are going to point out the difference. We will see in November if these policies are supported.

There are 2 USAs: America1 from 1500 to the 1980s, and America2, from 1980 to the present. Many Americans wish to see America of the last 40 years fail and be interned at said graveyard.

Flair

• did all of the gold spray paint go to the shoe factory?

• Victimized by the systemic trans care agenda created by Dems

• The FOX news is strong with you.