I am not OOP. OOP is and they posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Editor's Note: this post is heavy with discussions of gender politics and the upcoming US election. Please remember to be civil in the comments.

Trigger Warning: Detailed description of medically necessary emergency abortion

July 10, 2024

I (33F) and my husband (37M) were having a discussion about politics and we got onto the topic of our daughter (7F) which led to me expressing my fears about her rights and bodily autonomy.

For context, my husband votes Republican and I have always considered myself independent but recently have been shifting very far away from my younger “carefree” attitude toward politics. I love him very much and I know for a fact that he loves me but I have started finding his opinions naive and lacking depth. He is a very good man though and has in the past changed his mind on several things when confronted with them.

FURTHER context: my cousin lives in a strict anti-abortion state and almost died a few years ago when the doctors waited until she was actively dying of sepsis before they decided it was okay to remove the dead baby from her body even though it had been dead for weeks beforehand (so needless to say I had a wake-up call and sharpened up my principles until they are very shiny and pointy)

Last night when we were talking about abortion rights being healthcare, I lost my composure out of sheer terror about the possibility of a similar disaster with my cousin happening to our daughter and how I struggle to understand how he doesn’t see the problem with his party and that in fact I think he is being willfully ignorant to the danger I and my daughter face in favor of his idea about making economics work for our family. I also said that if our daughter dies due to something preventable, like the ability to get a timely and much needed abortion, or gets shot to death in school that I would let my own mother rot in a nursing home (she votes R too) and I’d never be able to look him in the face again which would basically be me disappearing and divorcing him.

I was crying and upset and explaining how scared I was and he asked me in a very hurt manner if I’d actually abandon him like that I am truthful to a fault and said that I would, perhaps out of a sense of illogical grief and betrayal, because I’d know my concerns were not taken seriously and that they had abandoned common sense and did nothing to attempt preventing a very real consequence of voting away mine and my daughter’s right to healthcare. I equated it to a slow motion car wreck with our daughter in mortal danger and him just watching it happen bc it doesn’t involve his own body.

I know he needs to hear it. But I think I was too raw and open about it to steer the conversation in a healthy way and I have a very blunt manner. I apologized this morning for saying that I’d leave him, even though I knew I would, and he tentatively accepted it. And I said we’d talk about things later when I can articulate things in a healthier way. But I’m at a loss as to how to make it known how deadly serious this is to me and not make him feel like I’d abandon our marriage over just any sensitive topic.

I do not need people telling me to leave him. I don’t think I know how to make it any more digestible and be clear without going nuclear over something that has not happened as our daughter is too young to suffer that yet. The rub is that I am the person who is changing the dynamic of our relationship. And I am beginning to understand how politics breaks up families.

Relevant Comments:

PrincessNopal:

Ask him to name scenarios that he would accept the premature death of his daughter. Ask him to name what life saving healthcare he would be willing to deny for his daughter based on principles. If he can’t name any, ask him why is abortion different. Use your cousin’s story as a hypothetical for your daughter but be as graphic with it as you can be. But in all honesty, if you must labor so much to convince him to care about yours and your daughter’s health and well-being, then this should also serve as a wake up call to you. And if I were you, I’d take back your apology. You meant what you said and only apologized to comfort him. I say let him be uncomfortable. Why are you so concerned with the bluntness of your words and not concerned about how quick he is to dismiss you?

owltower22:

I’m the daughter of a republican dad and liberal mom. I’m honestly not sure why they are still together, and think it is because they are older and retired. Luckily I live in a liberal state that doesn’t take away human rights, so I think it allows my mom not to think about it as much. It’s been since trump that I’ve really seen the division between them.

I don’t really have any advice to give you, but the perspective from a daughter in a similar type of situation. I love my dad, but I don’t have a lot of respect for him because I don’t think he actually understands what’s going on. It hurts as a daughter to know my dad votes for a party that is actively doing bad to a lot of human rights mainly because he believes in the economics of republicans. I also hate having to be around my parents in the evening, specially if they are watching the news. My mom definitely holds frustration for my dad and takes it out by saying mean things to him. And I feel like my dad doesn’t take it seriously, because I don’t think he actually understands how scary this is for certain people. I wish my parents would do therapy together, and honestly you guys should probably do therapy together if you actually want to make your marriage work without resentment growing.

NarrowBoxtop:

The worst part is all these men talk about the economics of being a Republican when all the data shows time and time again that those economics are absolutely horrible for 99.9% of us

They literally will cause harm to their families and others because they believe lies and don't want to hear otherwise

Ysadey:

I understand why you don't want advice to leave him, but you may have to accept that as your reality simply because your morals, values, and ethics are no longer compatible. But of course, do everything you can to try to reach him. Obviously, deep down, you know him and know he has the potential.

I went through this with my own husband years ago. And I wasn't nice about it. It was pretty much a deal breaker for me then, and now, and he was too busy being smugly libertarian on every other issue, so I had nothing to lose. That said, once he extracted his head from his rectum, I've been happy to explain things from my perspective as long as he's willing to actually listen. He's not perfect, but he gets a lot that men generally don't or take for granted.

I do know that one of my big points was that his views meant I couldn't trust him. Women's reproductive rights sure don't affect men directly, but by not caring about the issue because they care about the women in their life, they are sending a clear message that women are interchangeable appliances. He either cares about the things that are important to you or he doesn't actually care about you. He can't claim to love and respect you and want a future with you if he's voting against your basic interests.

That is hurtful for you, but you are allowing him to center his feeling hurt because you threatened to divorce him someday. He's hurting you now, but he wants to focus on his potential future pain that would be a direct consequence of his behavior now. Let that sink in.

He is telling you exactly where you stand with him in multiple ways.

Further, he's deluded if he thinks voting for Trump/Republicans is going to actually be good for his finances. Maybe in the short term. The reality is that any gains he makes will be offset by the tax overhaul and tarrif system. If your wealth is dependent on your income in any significant way, Trump winning would put your income at risk as women are forced out of the workplace and into a housewife role. If your income depends on either of you working overtime, Trump is giving employers a way to deny overtime premiums through creative scheduling. A lot of tex deductions and credits that primarily benefit low- and middle-class families are being eliminated while those that benefit the wealthiest are left intact or strengthened. We've already had a preview of his roided out trickle-down economy from his first term. Your husband is being incredibly short-sighted.

PurpleOrchid07:

I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve with this post? You say you don't need people telling you to leave him.

However, the harsh reality is, that this situation? That is your present and your future, as long as you stick with "republican" men. He is not a "very good man" when he puts your, your daughter's and every other woman's life at risk by voting for people who want nothing but destruction and power. That doesn't change, no matter how much you gaslight yourself that you can somehow "fix him" or see reason. Sorry to be so blunt about it.

octapuswithaniphone:

THIS THIS THIS. If a man is a Republican, if he plans on voting for the GOP candidate (even if Trump keels over tomorrow and is replaced by someone who’s less openly insane), if he is “willfully ignorant”, he is NOT A GOOD MAN. Full stop. He can help old ladies cross the street and volunteer at a soup kitchen as a hobby, but he’s still not a good man because he DOES NOT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WOMEN.

OP, you think you can fix your partner. You cannot. Nobody can fix another person. You can’t “be the person who is changing the dynamic of [the] relationship” when you’re not the bad actor. You should not have to explain why rolling back women’s rights is fucked up to get someone to see that, he already knows and DOES NOT CARE.

July 12, 2024

Thank you to all who commented.

UPDATE: We had a serious discussion. I went into more detail about my concerns and fears and it was… intense. I was much better at presenting the case. I gave him several hypotheticals that involved a particularly gruesome set of circumstances involving his ballsac ( 😬). I won’t bore you with the nitty gritty but the gist was to shift his perspective. I told him to seriously consider carrying a tiny fetus in his ball sac and the fact that the risks were things like Exploding Balls, Sepsis, etc, and the myriad of ways he could end up dead, permanently physically injured and disfigured, or unable to produce a fetus in the future if he didn’t have the option of removing the fetus from his ballsac. I asked him if he would even want to take the risk and he agreed that he’d be very likely to remove it unless he was ready for those risks. I asked him why in the world would I be justified in telling him he HAS to carry it no matter what and it might only be removed after it starts to explode out of his ballsac or his organs start shutting down… etc.

Once he seemed to start grasping the enormity of what abortion encompasses and seeing why it’s very important to not let unknown people control what options you have with no medical reason… I told him I lost a bit of respect for willful ignorance (and that I can tell he avoided thinking about it bc he knows in some way that it says something about his character) and I RESENTED having to even give him a hypothetical in the first place and that if he cares for me and our daughter that he should automatically actively be using his empathy skills every day. I explained how I have demonstrated the capacity to care about and evaluate gender issues he’s brought to my attention in the past. That was a… difficult part of the conversation. I also told him that I do not trust him to always make good decisions for us and that I feel alone in my shouldering of those responsibilities.

He listened and let me talk a lot. He asked if I was going to leave him and he was clearly nervous and bracing for the worst. I told him I’m not taking drastic steps like that but I certainly will when it comes to keeping our daughter healthy and safe. I also started to say something about how I know I would lie to him in a heartbeat in a situation where our daughter needed an abortion or medical care and he interrupted me to say “You wouldn’t have to lie because I’ll be driving the car or buying the plane tickets and we will all go anywhere we need to”. Y’all, I burst into tears.

We ended the conversation and he said I laid a lot on him and he needed a break but said he had things to think about. I didn’t push any more politics but I think I feel like my trust has been slightly restored. I’m not getting my hopes up but I think he realizes that he’s wading in dark and dangerous waters when it comes to our futures.

Relevant Comments:

cant_be_me:

All of this reminds me so much of that scene in the show The Handmaid’s‘s Tale where June finds out that she’s not allowed to access her bank account anymore and that her husband has to sign something for her to get birth control pills, and her husband dismisses her concerns, basically saying, that’s OK, I’ll take care of you, no big deal, it’s fine. It’s easy to dismiss a concern when that concern doesn’t seem to affect you directly. And the problem is that no matter what we say, no matter what example we give, some people will always have a degree of removal from an issue that can affect their understanding and their empathy.

My own husband is empathetic and caring. But he doesn’t understand why I, someone staring down the barrel of menopause, is so angry about abortion access restrictions. He doesn’t understand why I, a woman in a loving marriage that doesn’t look likely to end anytime soon, is upset about the end of no-fault divorce. Or why I as someone with no connection to prison, is upset about our horribly inequitable carceral system. And he will say he understands my objections, but then he’s like, why bother wasting energy getting upset about it? I don’t know how to get across to him that just because it doesn’t apply to me/us right now doesn’t mean it won’t later. I also don’t know how to get across to him that it’s very difficult to see attacks on our ability to get a divorce or access an abortion as a direct slap against me as a woman. If someone punches someone else like me in the face while staring me directly in the eye to show me that they would be doing it to me if they could, that’s very upsetting. But they aren’t looking him in the eye, so he doesn’t see it that way.

le4t:

I admire the heck out of you for having this huge conversation with your husband.

Thank you for making the case for all of us. 

And thanks for sharing with us; I hope your example can help others who need to have serious discussions like this with people in their lives.

Gold-Sherbet-7550:

I'm glad you have this talk and that he is starting to reconsider his decisions.

But I hope you are very clear with him that this isn't about him setting aside his views for the special case of you and his daughter. Other women are entitled to the same respect and autonomy that he wants for his daughter. If his position is that he will pack the bags and buy the tickets for y'all, but he will nonetheless continue to vote for all other women to be oppressed, he's not a good man.

OOP:

We talked about the women getting turned away from emergency rooms across the country because they were having pregnancy complications for babies they likely wanted to keep and it was like I could see a gear start cranking in his head. Total silence, like he’d never considered that a lot of women who seek emergency abortions actually WANTED their babies.

urp_in:

My husband and I had this discussion before our first was born. This was before Roe v Wade was overturned, but the writing was on the wall that it might go. We live in a very HCOL city for my job, but things weren't going well, and we were debating moving. I told him that as long as kids were on the table, moving to a red state was out of the question. I refused to move to a place where I would not be able to get access to care that I needed and end up dead just because we were trying to have a child.

My husband brushed it off. One of his close family members is one of the most prominent OBGYNs in the country. He said that, worst came to worst, she would help us out.

But I said, "How, exactly? Imagine I'm suffering from sepsis and about to die and the hospital I'm in literally will not perform an abortion. What exactly will she do?"

And he stopped in his tracks. That ended the discussion right there.

My husband had simply never had to consider it before. At the time, we weren't seriously thinking about kids, so he hadn't really thought it through. In any case, in a few short years, Roe v Wade was overturned, and I ended up pregnant with our first child. I'm currently pregnant with our second.

We still have regular discussions about potentially moving. Never once subsequently has he ever considered a red state.

caliph4:

So glad he finally understood the reason why we need to vote the way we do to protect our bodies. But is he going to back up what he says he now understands by voting the opposite of what he’s done before?

bbos2:

I hate that many men only recognize women's bodily autonomy when they become fathers. I hope you really talk to him about voting Republican this year otherwise this whole thing is really moot.

sosotrickster:

I'm glad he understood... but he still votes republican.

The democratic party is still right wing (no, they are not leftist unless you're talking about the Progressives) but your husband deliberately choose to vote for the more racist, ableist, sexist, bigoted-in-every-way party. The only reason you had this discussion is because it affects you and your daughter on the basis of gender and sex.

I'm not going to tell you to get a divorce but you should probably take a good look at your own morals and principles if you still think it's okay for him to vote the way he does. ESPECIALLY given everything that has happened since 2016.

Editor's Note: OOP seems satisfied with her discussion with her husband (whether you disagree or not), so is unlikely to update. Therefore, I have marked this concluded.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I'm not OP, OOP is

TW: Suicide Threats, Manipulation, Domestic Violence

MS: Happy

 (June 30, 2020)

We've been together since I was 17 and she was 15. It's been a pretty great relationship for the first 3 or 4 years, we've had a lot of fun, we've went on trips, just your typical relationship.

Around the time we've hit the 5 year mark on our relationship, it's gotten increasingly toxic. We keep fighting about everything, she keeps calling me names (dickhead, pussy, etc.), it's just not been good. I decided that we need to break up.

And that's where the problem started. It's been almost 2 years now that I've been trying to break up with her. But every time I mention or we get to that after a fight, she starts going on about she's just gonna kill herself since I wronged her and that it's my fault and that everyone's gonna find out what a POS I am when she's gone. She keeps sending me crying voice messages, it's just nonstop. Even through all her bullying me, I still love her. I just don't want her to kill herself. I couldn't live with myself if she actually did it. I'm just... broken. I can't sleep, I've lost all my confidence, I can't concentrate. Because this basically happens every week.

When she starts going about doing it, I always tell her that I'm gonna call the cops or her mom. And she sends a photo of a window in a high floor saying that she's gonna jump if I do that, or a photo of a knife put against her forearm saying that she will cut herself and end it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I can't continue like this, I'm absolutely destroyed. But I just don't want her to die. What should I do?

 (Jul 25, 2020)

Some of you guys have been asking for an update in my messages so I figured I might as well make a post, although it's probably not the „happy“ ending most of you were hoping for.

It's been about a month since my original post and pretty much all of you told me to break up and not to worry about her doing that. I wanted to do it. And I tried.. but it was just the same thing all over again. She started to cry, she kept calling and leaving crying voice mails that she's gonna do it. I just didn't know what to do. So I told her that we can stay together... but I'm just so broken.

She was always being mean to me and she always bullied me, at least for the last 2 years or so. She calls me ugly, makes fun of me and always tries to humiliate me. I was used to do that and I just kind of took it as it were. That I can't do anything about it.

But lately she started hitting me. Now, I'm 6'3" and she's 4'11" so it's not that it's painful physically, but it just hurts emotionally so much. Whenever we get into an argument she punches me in the face. Or in the stomach. I'm just broken and lost. I've lost all my confidence, I lost all my friends because she didn't like any of them. And it just sucks.

I just accepted that this is how my life is and it's probably not gonna change. I'm so sorry for disappointing everyone who believed that I can do it.

I'm sorry.

Also, I'm not from the United States. The Police won't assist me in the break up, they don't have any 72hr psych and they told me that they can't do anything unless she actually tries to kill herself.

EDIT: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna drive to see her tomorrow, take my parents with me as support and I'm gonna end it. I just can't anymore. Thank you guys.

 (Jul 27, 2020)

First of all, I want to say how grateful I am for all the support you have given me. I was seriously ready to just give up on life and live my life like that. So thank you, kind internet strangers.

Second of all, I need to say that I did not expect to get so much abuse. The amount of people calling me a p*ssy or abusing me in messages and telling me that I deserve it was sickening and it really shows that there's a stigma about men in abusive relationships.

Now onto the update. I texted her yesterday and told her that I want to meet her today. I didn't tell her why obviously, because she would have declined. I left to go there early in the morning, picked up my parents and drove to hers. Not gonna lie, my heart was absolutely pounding the whole drive. I knew that it wasn't gonna be easy and that it's not gonna be nice, but I was finally fed up.

When I got there, my parents waited for me in the car and I just went straight to her and started talking. I told her that this is it. That the relationship is over and that I don't want spend not even one more second being with her. I told her that she absolutely crushed me and destroyed my confidence and that I can't live like this anymore.

She started crying and screaming insults at me. She obviously started saying that she's gonna kill herself. For the first time ever I just calmly told her that she's an adult and that she can do whatever she wants. That no matter what she says or do, I just won't stay with her anymore. I could see that she was shocked and I was trying my absolute best not to start crying. I knew that I needed to be strong now. I told her to throw away all the stuff of mine that she still might have and not to contact me anymore. I wished her good luck and left. I didn't even let her say anything. And I just felt like the biggest asshole ever. But I knew it was the right thing.

I went back into my car, told my parents that it's done and we talked for a bit. I blocked her on all social media, I made all my accounts private, I have a new phone number and I'm gonna look into getting some therapy, because I'm honestly not sure where to go next in life. But I know one thing for sure, I'm gonna take some time off work next week and go on a trip somewhere. Something that I haven't been able to do in more than 2 years.

Thank you again for all your support. Your guys' kind words are what finally made me realize that I can't live like this anymore. I know that it's gonna be hard. I know that she will try to make contact. But I'm gonna make it.

 (Nov 07, 2020)

" I'm doing okay. "

Guys, thanks for your concern and nice messages.

I just needed to get away from reddit for a bit. I didn't get back with my ex lmao, no need to worry about that. I'm single now and enjoying life, even though the pandemic is kinda fucking that up.

Peace out.

 (Oct 04, 2021)

" I'm still doing okay. "

It's been over a year now, time sure does fucking fly. She tried to contact me a couple of times. I resisted the urge to check back on her.

So yeah, if any of you give a fuck, I'm doing peachy. 😂

 (Apr 07, 2022)

" I am no longer doing okay. 😂"

So yes, I'm a total idiot and I got back together with my ex, who promised that she changed and she did, for a little bit. Only for us to break up again after I told her that I think I might be pansexual. 😃

So yeah, not a fun experience. A year and a bit that I spent without her and then with her again...wasted. Just kinda wanna die.

(Aug 13, 2022)

No, not THAT kind of happy ending! 🫣

I really didn't expect this to happen, but, thanks to this whole reddit story, I actually met someone and we fell in love. She reached out, just to see how I was doing and we got to talking and just clicked. Aaand now we're here. Still somehow doesn't feel real.

This is the last update I'll ever post on this account, as I finally feel whole again and happier than ever before.

I want to thank every single person who ever reached out to see how I was doing, or just to give me advice. It made the whole situation much more bearable.

And thank you, Maya❤️

K.

(Aug 28, 2022) -Pic Post

Me and the missus enjoying a vacation in Montenegro. 🥰 I really appreciate all the messages and encouragement. I'm the happiest I've been in years.

(Jan 10, 2023) -Pic Post

just thought I'd post a little update for those of you who are still interested, my girlfriend and I just celebrated my birthday together, my best friend was there too. We're happy, everything is going well and we're probably going to be moving in together soon. 😊

I am NOT the OOP. OOP is on .

Status: Ongoing as per OOP.

: July 16, 2024

: July 17, 2024 (1 day later)

AITA for telling my parents they should have thought twice before having more kids?

So, I'm 15F, and I'm the oldest of four kids. My siblings are 10, 7, and 4. My parents both work full-time, and since my mom got promoted last year, she works longer hours now. This means a lot of the household responsibilities and taking care of my siblings fall on me after school and on weekends.

I get my siblings from school, help with their homework, cook dinner, and sometimes put them to bed if my parents are late. I don't mind helping out, but it's gotten to the point where I barely have any time for myself or my friends. I'm also starting high school this year, and I have a lot of homework and extracurriculars that I need to focus on.

Last weekend, I had plans to go to a friend's birthday party. I told my parents about it weeks in advance, and they said it was fine. But the night before the party, my mom told me she had to work late on Saturday and that I needed to watch my siblings. I was really upset and told her I had plans, but she said family comes first and that I should be responsible.

I ended up missing the party, and I was really angry about it. Later that night, when my parents got home, I told them that they should have thought twice before having more kids if they couldn't handle taking care of them without relying on me all the time. My dad got really mad and said I was being disrespectful and selfish. My mom looked hurt and told me I don't understand how hard it is to balance work and family.

Now things are really tense at home, and I feel guilty for what I said. I know my parents are doing their best, but I also feel like I'm missing out on my own life because of all the responsibilities I have. AITA for saying what I said

Relevant comments from the post (and OOP's response to them):

East_Platypus2490: NTA I'm also guessing you don't get paid for babysitting.

OOP: No I get nothing just a thank you from my mom, although sometimes she does buy me ice cream which I have to share

Old_Beach2325: NTA I’m in my 40s and had a similar upbringing to what you’re dealing with. I would have laughed if my parents had told me to be responsible and miss my friend’s party. I probably would’ve said something like “responsible? Like having kids and not taking care of them yourself, right?” But, I’ve also been NC with my parents and sibling for years now. Your parents will probably keep using you until you make it impossible to do so. I suggest getting a job as soon as you can and telling them to make other arrangements. Move out when you can and set boundaries with them.

OOP: Thank you for your advice, and I don't know if I'll find a job because I am 15 and where I live you need to be at least 16 to be able to work

dr_lucia: Uhmm... yes you do. It's not fair to use you as the fulcrum that carries all the weight. It needed to be said. NTA.

You might need to sit down with your Mom and have a discussion when you are more calm and she doesn't have an urgent need. Point out that you get that family should come first, but you think you should count as part of "family" and get to come first sometimes too.

Out of curiosity, you said your Mom was working late Saturday. Why couldn't your Dad take care of the kids? Or why couldn't they hire a babysitter? Surely they must have had a babysitter when you were 12?

And if they can't hire a babysitter, they should pay you for your time babysitting. And they should pay extra if this wasn't pre-arranged.

OOP: Thank you for understanding. I agree that it's important to have a calm discussion with my mom. I need her to see that while I understand family comes first, I also need to be part of that priority sometimes.

As for my dad, he works late too, so he's not always around to help. We don't hire a babysitter often because my parents think I'm old enough to handle it, but I do feel it’s a lot of responsibility for me. Paying me for babysitting is a good idea and something I might bring up in our conversations Thanks again .

UPDATE: Things are starting to change at home, but it's still a tough situation

Thanks to everyone who commented and offered advice on my last post. I took a lot of it to heart and had a serious conversation with my parents yesterday about how I was feeling and the impact it was having on my life.

To give some more context, my dad works as a construction site manager, and my mom is an account executive at an international marketing firm. Both of their jobs require them to work long hours from 6 AM to 6 PM, with a break from 12 to 1 PM. It's clear they have demanding schedules, and I understand that they are doing their best to provide for our family.

After our talk, they acknowledged that they had been putting too much on my shoulders and apologized for making me miss my friend's birthday party. They explained how difficult it has been for them to balance work and family, especially since my mom's promotion last year. They genuinely hadn't realized how much it was affecting me.

Since it's summer, there's no school to give me a break during the day. I have to watch my siblings all day long, which is really hard. The 10-year-old and 7-year-old have summer reading and activities that I need to help them with, and the 4-year-old needs constant attention and supervision. On top of that, cooking lunch and dinner and managing their energy levels leaves me with almost no free time. By the time my parents get home, I'm exhausted and barely have time for myself or to hang out with my friends.

For those suggesting I take a part-time job as a babysitter, I really have no intention of doing that. I don't even want to have children in the future because taking care of them is so hard. Living in Italy also makes things different compared to other countries, and finding a balance here is challenging.

My daily routine is intense. My 4-year-old sister sometimes wakes me up, or I wake up by myself. As soon as I'm up, I take her to the bathroom where we shower, I brush her teeth, and then I dress her. After that, I go straight to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for everyone. Once breakfast is done, I give my siblings their iPads to watch YouTube videos. The 10-year-old and 7-year-old go to their room to watch, while the 4-year-old uses her iPad in the living room. Sometimes they sit quietly, other times they start fighting, depending on their moods.

After breakfast, I start preparing lunch. Once lunch is ready, my mom usually comes home and takes it to my dad's workplace where they eat together. I then clean up and go through the same routine in the afternoon. At 4 PM, I start preparing dinner. By the time dinner is ready, my mom and dad are usually home. We all eat together, and after dinner, my dad showers followed by my mom. We then gather in the living room to watch TV. At 9 PM, my parents sometimes stay up late or go to bed early, depending on how their day went.

Despite their understanding, we still can't afford to hire a babysitter full-time. My parents are trying to make changes where they can, like my dad adjusting his break times to come home earlier when possible or my mom working from home one day a week to give me some respite. They're also looking into summer programs for my younger siblings, but nothing has been decided yet.

I’m hopeful that with these small changes, things will get better. My parents have promised to continue looking for solutions and to be more mindful of my needs and schedule. In the meantime, I'm trying to manage as best as I can and take things one day at a time. I’m grateful for the support and understanding from everyone who commented—it really helped me to see that I wasn’t being unreasonable and that my feelings are valid.And this is where things are now I really love you all guys

More relevant comments (with OOP's response):

HelloJunebug: She’s an account executive and he’s a site superintendent lol I just don’t get it. I know it’s Italy not the US, but for real…I looked up averages and an account executive average is about 75k euros and a construction site manager on average is 50k euros. That’s 125k euros yearly. Average cost of living in Italy for a family of 4 is roughly $3k plus rent/mortgage. But that includes childcare and literally everything (clothes, food, leisure, transportation, etc).

OOP: I know, right? It doesn't seem to add up sometimes. My mom's an account executive, and my dad's a site superintendent, which are good jobs, but it still feels like we're always stretched thin financially. They work long hours, and I see how hard they work, but it seems like there's always something that needs money, whether it's bills, groceries, or just unexpected stuff. Maybe it's because things are more expensive here in Italy, or maybe they're saving up for something big. I just wish there was more leftover for us to have a bit more ease and maybe not have to worry so much about money all the time. This is literally so confusing for me right now😵

Sea-Ad9057: Did you tell your parents that because of them putting this all on you , you have made a decision to never have kids Tell them maybe the younger kids will give them grand babies but you won't also move out as soon as you can If you go to university go far far away

OOP: I don’t want anyone to blame my parents for this. It’s my choice, and I’ve decided I won’t have kids. From what I’ve seen, kids are expensive and hard to take care of. I want to avoid the struggles my parents go through and build a good life for myself. Maybe I'll change my mind, but for now, I don’t see having kids as right for me. It’s not my parents' fault—kids are just really hard to manage.

I am NOT the OOP. Please do NOT harass OOP and please refer to rules 1 and 2 of this subreddit when talking to people in the comments.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I broke off from a friend group I've known for 7 years over A tab at Chili's.

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: sexism

  July 11, 2024

I (20F) have been friends with these 2 girls Charlie (20F) and Alex (19F) we have been very close since middle school and get along and fan girl over the Same Anime,KPop bands, Artist etc.

One day we decided to go to our favorite spot Chili's. We always separate the bill and there are 0 issues. However Alex decides they want to invite a male friend John (18M)  which is fine with all of us.

The food was good per usual then the Server asks for split or 1 check. Then Charlie (who usually says it's separate every time we go out and eat) says "All one"

Which I thought it was just her feeling generous that day. But then they started giving John shit eating grins. Charlie said "joooohn your paying for us all just to be clear"

John says "What" with a visible confusion on his face. Alex and Charlie giggle,get up and they leave. They signaled me to go as well but I was just as confused as John was.

WTF JUST HAPPENED.

Me and John sit there awkwardly. The check comes to 125$. And I tell the server to give us a moment to provide payment. I only had enough for me (30$) and John only has enough for him (40$)

Charlie texted in our Group Chat  asking if I was coming with them. I told them wtf are they doing?

Then they went on some BS that John should want to impress us and that it's a mans role to treat is like princesses or some BS. I thought they were joking but they were dead serious. And upon me going outside to physically confront them...they were serious. Because they left me and John with no ride and the Tab.

I called my Dad if he could spare me 60$ and that he can just cut off my allowance for 2 weeks. I explain the situation. But he agreed with ALEX AND CHARLIE. and said that this is John's problem now and not mine.

It was like scene out of a movie I was in complete disbelief.

I explain the situation to the Server who was super cool and said if you can't produce the payment now I can just leave a number and they can charge me tomorrow.

Out of one last ditch effort I called my Uncle for the money and he immediately understood and sent me the money. And even said he would be there to pick me and John up.

I pay the tab. I apologize heavily to John about the entire situation but he was actually really chill and super grateful for what I was doing. Because he only had 40$ from his birthday money. And decided to spend it with his "friends"

I get A text from Alex in the Group Chat asking if John payed for the tab.

I said "No...I did 😒"  and  got mad at me.

Then my dad asked what had happened. I tell him the truth (That his brother paid for the tab) and he got mad at me.

....do I live in the twilight zone???!!! Am I crazy for not wanting to ruin a friends life over chilis????!!

Anyways after Alex saying "I'm just not going to invite guys to our plans anymore" I left the Group Chat and Blocked both Alex and Charlie.

John also cut ties with them and we have started talking more and more and we sometimes play Fortnite together.

Anyways moral of the story. You think you know someone....

RELEVANT COMMENTS

jummyb1982

Your friends and your dad are completely assholes. John was under no obligation to pay for anyone but himself. To assume he is going to pay for everyone is just beyond me. Glad you had the class to stay and help with the bill. I would have told the waitress to split it 4 ways after those 2 dolts walked put. Then, give the restaurant their information so they can be responsible for their own meals.

OOP

I was considering MANY options but my main thing was I didn't want to make a giant scene in front of someone I don't even know.

Easier options first. Then harder ones.

In reality this probably would have been the smarter option.

Affectionate_Salt351

I don’t blame you. In the heat of the moment, I would have done the same as you. Idk if you’ve just spent a lot of time with your uncle or what, but I’m happy his sense of morality rubbed off on you instead of your father’s. Yikes.

You’re not wrong. This is def some Twilight Zone shit. Unfortunately, people can always surprise you  with things like this. I’m still learning more about others like this in my 30s. Good for you and John for becoming friends. 🫶 He sounds like a good egg, too.

OOP

My uncle said and I quote while he was driving us back home. "He can treat me like Sht all he wants, But when he starts treating you guys like Sht is where I have no choice but to get involved"

~

Zandrous87

Your ex friends are idiots and are on the road to a rude awakening of they think guys will put up with that kind of crap. You were right to cut them out.

Your dad is a tool. How old is your dad? Because that's some boomer level thinking right there in his part. It would've been one thing if the guy had invited you all out and offered to pay then reneged on that promise. But that's not what happened. This was sprung on him unexpectedly. So your dad is WAY of the mark with this.

I'm glad you at least found a replacement friend for the two idiots. And your uncle is a real one. Next chance you're able, you should do something nice for him as a thank you for helping. Maybe treat him to lunch or bring him a favorite sweet. Nothing big, just something to show your appreciation for coming to your rescue like that when he didn't have to.

OOP

My dad's in his late 40s  and he  said that "It's not your problem (my name) so why the hell should it be mine?"

Not to throw him under the bus but he has a HUGE crush on a particular man who is Orange.

OOP Added edits to answer repeated questions

Edit: I should probably empathize that me and John didn't even know each other before this happened.

Second Edit: Yes I am 20 and still get a 50$ weekly allowance. I am actively looking for work, some of you guys are antagonizing my dad but yet want to act like mine for not working 😂.

Third Edit: People are asking why I didn't just pay for my own tab,Give them my friends numbers or addresses and call the police yadadad.

Is that what I should of done...100% But I felt like John was already visibly stressed about the situation and I didn't want to escalate it to potentially more stress. I was thinking about John's well being above everything. And having someone else cover the rest of the money was the easiest solution for me . Probably not the right one. But the easiest for me and John.

OOP Updates July 12, 2024 - next day/same post

Update: Me and John still play Fortnite and Have been dabbling in Overwatch as well. He's actually a VERY funny guy who is open about his feelings. If we continue to connect this we'll I may ask him a proper date this go around 🤭

Through some casual friends I learned that Alex and Charlie think I'm overreacting and the same BS as before. That John should have wanted to impress us and that John should have had more money knowing he was going out to eat with 3 girls. Shocker....

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Weird guy shows up at my parents house at 1am looking for me and using details of my life that were valid 20 years ago—help me figure this out!

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: possible stalking

Oct 5, 2022

Posted this on the creepy encounters sub and someone suggested I post here. This happened three nights ago and I am going crazy trying to figure it out. I just moved into a new apartment one month ago and I am still unpacking and settling in. I have been using my parents address as my mailing address (who live a few towns over, twenty minutes away) all of my life. Three nights ago my parents call me at 2:00am freaked out and proceed to tell me this story. Apparently at 1:00am someone starts banging on their front door and repeatedly ringing their doorbell. My stepdad walks downstairs and opens the door, leaving the front glass door closed and locked. There was a man standing outside, who looked to be in his 30s, with a black hoodie on with the hood pulled up around his face. He didn’t have any distinguishing facial features, facial hair or tattoos. The only thing my stepdad said was that he looked to be Hispanic. Neither my stepdad or my mother (who was watching the whole thing out a window) recognized the man.

The man says, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for “my full name.” My stepdad plays dumb and says “who?” The man proceeds to state my full name again and says that my boyfriend is worried because I didn’t come home that night. He claims to be a friend of my boyfriend and tells my stepdad that they are both out looking for me, worried because I didn’t show up at home.

I don’t have a boyfriend. I live by myself with my three dogs and haven’t been in a relationship in the past 5-6 month. Here’s the weird part. My stepdad asked the guy what boyfriend he was talking about and the man tells him the name of the boyfriend I had when I was in 10th grade, nearly twenty years ago. My boyfriend in 10th grade has a very, very unique Italian name, I’ve never met anyone with a full name even close to his.  He says my high school boyfriends name a few more times to ensure my stepdad heard him and repeats that they are very worried about me, is my stepdad sure I’m not inside. At this point my stepdad is weirded out and closes and locks the door in his face.

The man does not leave. He lingers in front of my parents house for the next ten minutes, smoking cigarettes and talking on the phone. Finally, my parents calls the cops. About five minutes before the cops arrive, the man walks down to the dead end on their block and drives away in a silver car. Stepdad was unable to get the license plate. My parents file a police report and nothing else happens.

After I hear this story I am going nuts over the weird details. How would someone know who I dated nearly twenty years ago and what would the motive be of making up a story that included that weird detail about my past? I have not had contact with the tenth grade boyfriend in over a decade. Yesterday, I decide to message him on a facebook to see if he has any insight. I tell him the whole story, he’s just as confused as I am and claims to have no part in it.

I am at a loss. I’m also really freaked out that some strange man is going through that much trouble at 1am to look for me. Any insights or ideas would be greatly appreciated. No, nothing else weird has happened since then.

Edit/Update #1: Wow, this really blew up! Thank you so much for all the kind words and precautions that I should take. I want to add something here that a few people commented, that might shine some light on this mystery. First off, I am not in any legal trouble and have no reason to think someone would be suing me. God, I mean I guess it’s always in the realm of possibility that I’m being sued by someone, but I really don’t think that’s it. Like I previously commented, I had an expired registration ticket that I did not show up to court for, but I believe I got a letter in the mail just asking me to pay a really large fee, so I don’t think that’s related. I DID TAKE A PERSONAL LOAN OUT. Took it out about a year and a half ago, it wasn’t for anything too crazy and I was really good with making payments on time until about 6 months ago when I had a medical issue. Currently, I am really behind on payments, but to my knowledge, I have not defaulted on the loan yet. What do you guys think? Related? I had absolutely no idea that this is a thing or I would have included this detail to begin with. Let me know your thoughts!

Edit/Update #2: I have a list of a few things that I am going to look into tomorrow, based off my own thoughts and based off a ton of valuable feedback I got in here, thank you!!! Will post an update ASAP!

Edit/Update #3: I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to update, it’s a super busy time at work. Unfortunately there isn’t much to report. I called the loan company, they claim to have nothing to do with it. All of my friends and family also noted that the 1am factor kind of rules that out anyway. Nothing else strange has happened at my parents. I went there for the first time last night and kept a close eye out for anything, didn’t observe anything out of the norm. So this remains a mystery! I’ll be sure to update if something else happens.

  July 12, 2024 (1 year and a half later)

Alright, one year later I FINALLY have an update to this insane mystery. I will include the original story here first followed by the update:

RECENT UPDATE: After this happened, me and my family and a couple of my close friends have been talking about this mystery in depth to try and put our heads together to figure it out. We all of our own theories, but ultimately no definitive answer as to what happened or who this creeper was. So we pretty much put it to rest and only continued to joke about it once in a while.

Here’s the update….my stepsister (my stepdads daughter) and her fiancé were at a house party right after the holidays (around early January of this year). While they were there, they started talking to a girl that neither of them knew. After some time talking together, the girl started talking about her ex-boyfriend and how they were going through a really tough time together. They had just recently broke up and she felt really bad because he was a wreck over it.

Somehow, it came up that this girls ex-boyfriend was MY 10th grade boyfriend, the one with the really unique Italian name. The whole situation wasn’t that big of a coincidence, since I went to high school with my step-sisters fiancé and we have a lot of mutual friends. So it makes sense that they were at a party that would include some people I went to high school with.

As soon as my stepsister and her fiancé hear this, they both start freaking out and without revealing too many details, they tell the girl about the whole mystery and how weird it was. As they are telling the story, the girls face starts to go white and she looks like she’s about to cry. My stepsister and fiancé try to console her and ask her what’s wrong. The wine/beer had been flowing at this point so I’m sure everyone was a little tipsy.

The girl starts to tell them that a few nights ago, she was sleeping, and someone started banging on her door at…get this…fucking 1am! Just like what happened to me at my parents! The girl jumps out of bed and says she was absolutely terrified by how loud and aggressive someone was banging on her door, she said she literally thought it was going to break in. The girl has a ring camera, so looks on her phone. There on the camera, is a guy, IN A BLACK HOODIE, banging on her door. She obviously pretends like she isn’t home and keeps all of the lights off. He continues banging. As she is getting ready to dial 911, the guy stops and leaves. She said she was absolutely terrified. For whatever reason, she didn’t end up calling the cops, but may have went to stay with a friend that night or the night after.

My stepsister and fiancé are SHOCKED by the details and how similar it is to my story, especially because of the mutual EX-BOYFRIEND WE SHARE, except this girl literally JUST broke things off with him. They ask the girl if she has any idea who the guy is and she said no, but that it definitely is NOT the actual ex-boyfriend. She said this guy was much taller and heavier than our shared mutual ex. HOW FUCKING WEIRD?! This mystery is still unsolved and these new details honestly just make my head spin even more. No one else has showed up to my parent’s door since the actual incident a year ago.

OOP Added Extra Info in the Comments

Hi all! So a few answers to some questions….

1. 10th grade boyfriend WAS into drugs when I dated him back in high school. No idea if he continued to use through out his life or not but can confirm he is definitely an addict who may or may not be in recovery currently.

2. 10th grade boyfriend HAS been to my parents house multiple times. My parents still live in the same house I grew up in, and 10th grade boyfriend has been over many times while we dated in high school. I don’t know where he currently lives, but he grew up about 10 minutes away from my parents house.

3. 10th grade boyfriend and I had a HORRIFIC breakup. I met my high school sweetheart while I was dating him and broke up with him in a pretty messed up way. He held a grudge over it all through out high school and was extremely nasty to me to the point of bullying. At one point, I had to get a security guard to escort me to classes because him and his friends were bullying me so badly. The bullying was only severe for the rest of 10th grade, but he definitely hated me all through out high school. At one point, he did end up apologizing to me, and explained that he was just heart broken over me breaking up with him, but at that point, I was way past the point of forgiving him. After graduating high school, we ran into each other maybe once or twice while I was home from college and he was totally cordial and nice with me and we laughed the high school experiences off.

4. I can definitely try reaching out to him on facebook again and bringing back up this whole mystery with the added updates from his recent ex-girlfriend to see what his reaction is and gauge whether or not he’s being truthful in it. I can also ask some mutual high school friends who know him about how he currently is, if he’s into any shady shit or not.

5. My stepsis only gave me a first name and description of recent ex-girlfriend from the party. But I can go on 10th grade boyfriends facebook and look for her under his friends, than reach out to her on facebook messenger to inquire about ring footage and ask her more questions, also see if she ever reached out to cops. I agree this is probably the best thing to do if I want more answers….but I agree I need to be careful as I still don’t know what is going on here.

6. 10th grade boyfriend does not have a brother, just one younger sister that I remember back from high school.

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP

I just posted some answers in the comments about the nature of MY break-up with high school boyfriend and how horrific it was and how he basically harassed me for the rest of the 10th grade. Your last theory, and what a lot of other people are commenting, is starting to  make the most sense to me. It could be that my 10th grade boyfriend has a tendency to get insanely hung up on girls and is sending a close friend or relative to do these 1am drop-bys….and this would especially make sense if he is still using drugs like he did in high school. This theory being correct would mean he lied to me when I reached out to him on facebook a year ago, which of course he would. If this is the case, it seems like he moved on to his current ex. I just hope he doesn’t swing back around to me.

I decided I am going to try and find out the girls full name so I can look her up on social media. I may even be able to find her with just the first name that I already know from my stepsis telling me. I can go onto 10th grade boyfriends facebook and look in his friend list for a girl with the same first name who looks like she could have been his ex-girlfriend. He may even have pictures with her tagged, so it shouldn’t be that hard, unless he wiped his social media clean of her after they broke up. When I am able to find her, I’m going to reach out to her and try and get some answers. I think this is the safest route since I still don’t know 10th grade boyfriends role in this and I did already ask him once and he claimed to have no part in it or know anything, which may or may not have been a lie. Based on how scared my stepsis said this girl was, I’m betting she’ll be willing to talk to me about it since we share the experience. I will make an update post when I have more info. Thanks everyone!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH for refusing to do a paternity test on my children?

Originally posted to

Thabks to & for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Deadbeat parent

  June 26, 2024

My ex husband and I have three child. It was a difficult split as he left while I was pregnant with our twins and he tried to make everything as difficult as possible. He and his wife are wanting me to do a paternity test on the children as they are disputing that our youngest is his and he no longer wants to pay child support for her. Him wanting to reduce his child support has been an ongoing issue.

For the last five years, he hasn't had a problem regarding the paternity of any of our children. He's now stating that he doesn't think that our daughter is his and that I have cheated because 'she doesn't look like him'. She doesn't look much like me either, she's got green eyes like I do. Both of us are pale with light coloured hair and eyes. Our daughter has dark hair that is thick and curly. She looks mixed race and she's the only one who looks this way. Her twin brother looks like my ex husband. My daughter looks like my grandmother who was mixed race and was white passing.

I'll be honest that he and his wife do not get along. I mean it is hard to get along with the woman who your husband left you for. She keeps trying to shove herself in my children's lives and acting like their mum. She keeps insisting that she's 'mama' and they should refer to her as that, they have refused to call her that which always ends it my ex calling me frustrated that the children won't give her respect. She's recently been pointing out that my youngest looks darker than her siblings and has been suggesting that my youngest isn't my ex husband's. I'm close with my former SIL (Ex's brother's wife) and she told me before my ex did that he wanted a paternity test and was going to stop paying child support for her. She's also said that ex and his wife are once again having money issues. This was something I had already suspected as he had stopped taking them on his weekends as he was having to work overtime. Before people tell me to document this, I have everything documented. I refuse to answer calls from him which forces him to either text or email me so that I can keep conversation records as I don't trust him.

After I found out about him wanting a paternity test, I told him that I wasn't going to consent to him doing a paternity test on the children and the only way he was getting one is if he took me to court. He told me that it was clear our daughter wasn't his and that she didn't look like her siblings, he argued that he couldn't afford court and I was holding his money hostage by forcing him to pay for a child who isn't his. He has now apparently been whining about me on Facebook about how I cheated on him and am forcing him to raise another man's child and forced him to 'sign the birth certificate' - I didn't, he wasn't even there but as we were still married I could put him on without him being there. I don't follow him, I had one of his friends try and confront me about it. I want my children to have a relationship with their dad and I feel like this is stopping them. Though on the other hand, I know there will be something else he (or his wife) takes issue with down the line.

AITAH for refusing to do a paternity test?

Edit: I thought I'd put this in my post but I didn't, really should have proof read this rather than posting in anger. My ex wants me to pay for the paternity test, he doesn't want to because of his financial situation which is why I told him to take it to court and get a court mandated one. I know if I was to pay for it then he would want another one because he'll think that I tampered with it as I paid for it. He did the same with when I had the house valued so I could give him half. He didn't like what the first person valued it at so had to get another. I know I haven't cheated on him and she is his.

I know some didn't like me referring to her as my youngest. Both her and her brother don't like being referred to as twins or as one so I don't refer to them as such. Since they were toddlers they have been very independent from each other and want to be treated as such. She is not my only daughter, my eldest is also a girl.

  *July 12, 2024 2 weeks later)

So I did not expect so many comments on my last post. After I posted in my frustration over the paternity test situation, my ex husband (we'll call him Jim) and his wife kept trying to get me to consent to and pay for the paternity test. I refused to pay because I know Jim, when the result isn't what he wants he will accuse me of tampering with the results. When I kept saying no, they ran to whoever would listen complaining about me and how I was forcing them to pay for a child that wasn't Jim's. For those who may not have read my last post, the child is question is my youngest daughter and a twin. Jim does not contest that her twin brother is his. But apparently along with being a bitch over this, I'm also a cat. News to me. Honestly didn't think he was that much of an idiot but here we are.

Jim kept complaining to his dad (Mick) and brother about me and how I was being financially abusive by taking money from him for a child that wasn't his and refusing to pay for the paternity test. Now Mick and I get on very well. He adores his grandchildren, they also adore him, and I have never attempted to stop them having a relationship, unlike Jim who often attempts to weaponize the children. I get very well with Jim's family and we are close, his SIL (his brother's wife) and I are very close, she's the sister I never had (only child problems). Mick asked if he was to pay for a paternity test, if I would allow it to happen. Mick explained that he wasn't accusing me of anything but he was fed up of seeing Jim and his wife drag me every chance they got. He understood why I was refusing and agreed with me. I agreed but stated that Jim should chose the company that the paternity test is done through and I didn't want to know which one was chosen. That way I wasn't involved.

So we had the paternity test. Mick paid for all three children to be tested, and had them tested with the private company Jim chose and then a private company Mick's lawyer recommended. Mick explained he did this so that if Jim started arguing against the results calling them fake then Mick had another set to back them up. And what do you know, all three children are Jim's. Since we've gotten the results Jim has tried arguing that they're wrong and that youngest definitely isn't his. He has also been taking to Facebook to complain about me and is threatening to take me to court for fraud - the man couldn't afford to pay for a paternity test. He definitely can't afford a lawyer to take me to court, but I'd like to see him try.  Former SIL has been screenshotting some of his comments and sending them over to me which we've been having a giggle over, especially since one of the things Jim has whining about is finding out I've been dating a former friend of his. I say former because he (along with some others) were cut out by Jim's wife. Jim's upset because I am 'alienating him from the children by dating someone new', coming from the man who left me when I was pregnant for his now wife who keeps trying to insist she is 'mama' to my children. My children only met my boyfriend for the first time this weekend, after we had been dating for a year. Before people jump to Jim's defence and claim I am alienating him, I've never stopped him seeing or communicating with the children. He's the one that decides when he's interested in being their dad.

  So yeah, unsurprisingly my children are Jim's. Jim's still an idiot. The children are happy as they're off to have a sleep over at their grandad's with cousins, while I get to have wine and spend the evening catching up with former SIL.  Jim and his wife are still mouthing off on social media but its falling on deaf ears for the most part.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

He left when you were pregnant with twins but doesn’t believe the youngest is his? I didn’t read past that because that doesn’t make sense to me. Wouldn’t the twins then be the youngest?

OOP

That's correct. She is the younger of my twins

[deleted]

So he thinks only one of the twins isn’t his?

OOP

Yep, he only thinks one of the twins is his. I wish I could explain why he thinks that but he was never the smartest

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

He found me. 5 years later and he just left his business card in my new house’s mailbox.

Trigger Warnings: domestic abuse, grooming, stalking, abortions, threats

: June 23, 2024

I’m a little spooked and want some advice on what to do.

I (29 F) got caught up in a grooming situationship when I was 19 the guy was 32. I didn’t know that he was married, he never wore a ring. Once the relationship progressed to the point where we said “I love you” I found out he was married but “separated” (yeah Fkn right).

There was so many messed up stories to this part of my life that I have suppressed a lot of it. I managed to fall for every lie, even when I would challenge him he had an answer for everything. This went on for 4 years until I was 23, I don’t know why I stayed for as long as I did but I guess that’s just what happens when you’re abused, threatened and lied to. So many times I tried to leave him but he would stalk me to the point where I missed him (yuck, it makes me sick thinking about it) and I’d go crawling back.

Long story short the last event that made me walk away and cut him off was when I got pregnant for the second time. When I was 21 I fell pregnant and he did everything in his power to make sure I had an abortion. He was abusive and threatening, telling me “I’ll end my life if you leave”, “I promise I’ll leave her if you get rid of it”. I decided to get the abortion and then he kept on with the lie of “I’m leaving her blah blah blah”. Stupid me believed it all.

A year a half go by and well surprise I’m pregnant again, when we found out it’s no shock the water works start and his threats start again. I decided that I refuse to relive the trauma from the last abortion so I told my parents and they helped me and I promised to never speak to him again. That was all in 2019. I moved on and life was great.

Until I started noticing him everywhere. He knew where I lived and worked so he would drive around near my street and I’d notice him behind me when I’m driving. He lives about 20 minutes away from me but he has a home maintenance business so he could just be around because of work but who knows. I’ve seen him at my local shops and when he sees me he will linger around to see me again. When that happens I just drive to my parents house before going home.

My housemate / bestie moved to Japan and I now live alone in a house I built in a new developing estate. On Saturday I noticed a little envelope on my bench that my dad had brought in from my letterbox, when I opened it I was alone but inside was this guys business cards. My brother lives a couple doors down, so I immediately ran to check his letterbox, there was nothing in there so I called to check it wasn’t taken out. After checking my cameras it seems he parks his car outside my street and then walks down to my house does the mail drop then once out of cameras sight, crosses the road without dropping anymore on my side of the street then only drops them off to the houses directly across from me and then walks past the other houses without dropping his cards.

Call me crazy but it’s too much of a coincidence for it to be a coincidence. Right?! I’m not worried that he will do anything but also who knows what mental state he is in. I’m just a little anxious because I live alone.

Any tips, advise, helplines that might help me in feeling safe and comfortable?!

Relevant Comments

dbpcut: This is an unsafe person, bent on controlling and manipulating you. You are in danger. You need to contact the authorities and report this behavior.

This is stalking. Pure and simple. You'll want to check your car for any sort of tracking device: it could be magnetic, on the bottom of the car frame or in a wheel well.

You were smart to get away, now it's time to put an end to it.

OOP: Thank you for your reply! It’s a weird feeling, I’m anxious and in denial that it’s more serious than what I first thought.

I didn’t even think to check my car. I will check my parents too, since I told my mum this morning she’s told me that she sees him on the road. He will even follow her to my parents street but then keep driving and not turn in.

He needs a reality check! I’ve been to the police about him before so it might be easier to get him in trouble since he is known to them.

Anonposterqa: You say you’re not worried he will do anything, but he has already done so much. In the past and even this act is one of intimidation and stalking.

It’s good you have cameras. Reporting this to the police could be another option. Definitely letting family or anyone nearby like neighbors you trust know could be helpful too.

OOP: I know I know, I think I’m just in denial and wanting to not think of the worst. I feel better now that I’ve got the camera footage and my parents know. We’ve made good friend with the construction guys building the roads in my estate. My dad has told them the situation and they are disgusted and have promised to keep an eye out for his car. This way we know if he comes by without my having to check the cameras everyday.

: July 12, 2024

This all started from my previous post.

Linked in comments!

Long story short I was groomed, left him and now he has found where I live.

After 5 years of no contact, he dropped his business card in my letterbox (only dropping them to mine and 3 of my surrounding neighbours). I wanted to go to the police but didn’t think I had enough evidence for them to do something.

That was until last week when he drove past my house. I watched him turn into my estate.

I was on my way home and when I went to turn into the turning lane I saw his car and immediately changed lanes turning into the opposite direction. In a full panic I didn’t know what to do or where to go so I pulled over and checked my security cameras. The timing was perfect because, there he was… driving past my house! (My house is several turns off the main road, it’s not even finished, it’s a dead end) 2 times in 3 weeks!

I was so scared I called my dad and told him, so he came around and make sure he wasn’t in the area/ surrounding streets.

We ended up making the decision to go to the police. I was able to make a statement and they were able apply for an intervention order. I’ve had one previously on him, he threatened to kill me and my family when he chased me around my suburb driving dangerously stopping me from going home.

Whilst waiting to hear that he had been served by the police, I found out that he was in fact still married and his wife and their daughter (12F) were currently overseas on their annual mother-daughter trip. This angered me. How dare he do this shit to me whilst his wife and daughter are away.

Should I expose him? Or what should I do?

I want is wife to know what kind of a person he really is. He has told her lies that I was “obsessed with him” that’s why I’ve been around in the past. It was so long ago this guy needs to leave me alone, if someone was doing this to his daughter I’m sure he would think this behaviour is not okay.

Thank you in advance x

Relevant Comments

SummerStar62 The reason stalkers get away with this crap half the time is because people are too scared to do anything or say anything. It’s good that you went to your dad, and notified the authorities. I personally would say something to his wife, but if he says volatile as you say, then you risk some kind of blowback on you. Can you be somewhere safe until the protection order is in place?

Keep those cameras on and start a log every time you see him. Save everything. You may need it for proof in court.

OOP: I’m tired of it, 5 years later and he still won’t leave me alone. It’s gross and unsettling.

I got the call already that he has been served and it’s now in place. He still yet to go to court. I was thinking I could stay at my brother’s house a few doors down or even go back to my parent’s house once if I do expose.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

I (25F) am pregnant and my husband (27M) suddenly wants to move back to Belarus. Suddenly he seems to think he has the right to make decisions for both of us, how do I manage this with a clear mind?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, miscarriage, controlling behavior

: May 10, 2024

My husband and I live in Sweden. I moved there with my family when I was very young as my mother is Swedish, however he only moved here about seven years ago. We were together for almost six years, and we married each other about six months ago. I found out I was pregnant about two months ago. I’m about thirteen weeks pregnant now, and everything seems to be going well. All our tests have been clear so far and I am healthy. My husband and I are both very happy, and I'm quite excited to be having a baby, although nervous. I was very nervous about pregnancy, hence why it was an accidental pregnancy, but so far it’s been alright, other than the nausea. This was until my husband told me he wanted to move countries.

I am still a dual citizen of both Sweden and Belarus. My husband also is. However, I feel no need to go back there, the last time I did was when I was thirteen. I've lost most of my Russian, and I don't like the situation over there. Most of my family is here, and I've always felt more at home here than I ever have there. My husband explained he had applied for a job there, and he thinks we would have a better life there, and so would our child. I got really upset, I told him that he can't just make this decision for the both of us, and that I don't want to go back there. It scares me, I don't want my child in that environment, and I like the Swedish schools and way of life more. I knew my husband missed Belarus but I never thought he wanted to go back.

He got annoyed at me, and said I wasn't thinking in the best interest of our child. I was honest, and said that if he made me go back there, that I would divorce him and do everything I can to go back home. And that he can't make me, and that I'm not going and I won't go. He yelled at me and said that he was my husband, and that it's not up to me to decide how our life will be. I told him that he never said that was how he saw marriage, and he was being archaic. He seemed to calm down, but later when we were sleeping together, he got far too aggressive and his hands ended up on my throat. I managed to push him away, he didn't hurt me but I was worried about the baby, but he then started for some reason complaining about how dramatic I was being about this whole pregnancy and I seem to think it makes me entitled to decide everything, and he wasn't even being that rough.

He's never acted like this before. It's like he thinks he can control my life, and our future child's life. We're supposed to make decisions together, not just one of us. I'm starting to think I can't stay him. It's not just about moving countries, it's the way he seems to think he's entitled to decide my whole life just because he's my husband. I've always thought that men have no more rights to make decisions than women in a marriage, as that's the point of a marriage. We're together. My brain is a mess right now. I'd always thought I loved him but now I look at him and I realise that I just can't do this if he carries on like this and I feel so stupid for not seeing it before. I don't know if it's the hormones, or my own emotions becoming too involved, but I'm really doubting this right now.

Relevant Comments

southcoastal: Wow. Leave. Choking is the most common form of spousal murder.

He’s probably always felt this way about his and your roles in the marriage but it’s just never come to light until you “disobeyed” him.

You’re in a very vulnerable place right now and you need to be very careful planning your exit strategy. Talk to your family. Stay safe.

OOP: I'm starting to think he must have, but my mind is a mess. He never did anything before this that showed he thought like this, at all. I never would have thought that.

I'll talk to my parents. I just want to think but I don't think I have the time to. If he had his way we'd be moving within the week.

OOP on if her husband wanted the best for the family regarding the move to Belarus

OOP: Normally I'm open to consider most things, but there is no way I'm going back there. There are people dying, I don't want my child there. I can't work together with him on that. I would with almost anything else, but not this.

RemoteBrave7000: If you go and the kid is born there it will be way harder to leave and come back. He can't force you to go, find a shelter if you need to, he won't have a chance to take that child back to Belarus without you in a thousand years

OOP: I know. I'm not going there while I am still pregnant, my doctors are here, and the health care is nowhere near as good there. And I don't want to risk anything happening because of that.

schumachiavelli: “…he thinks we would have a better life [in Belarus], and so would our child.”

I’d divorce him just for the stupidity of that statement alone.

Belarus better than Sweden? What a dunce.

OOP: I don't know where he got that idea. Admittedly, my family and I rejected most of Belarusian side, whereas he didn't. But anyone can see that country is horrific, I wish it wasn't but that is the way it is.

: July 12, 2024

I left a couple of days after I made my post. Thank you to everyone who advised this, because it did help me see straight, and I'm not sure I would have otherwise. I went to live with my parents for a little while until I could sort out another place to live, and I have now. I applied for divorce after that. Because he doesn't agree, there will be some time to see if it will be allowed. I am still legally married to him, but I'm hoping soon I won't be.

I miscarried at fourteen weeks. I don't know why. It might have been because I was stressed, I don't know. While it ended up being okay because my mother was there, it was still difficult. I did feel a bit of relief, but that made me feel worse after that. I've been very tired and crying a lot, but I think it's probably just because I am having trouble sleeping, because all sorts of strange things keep happening to my eyes. So I need to try and get better at that.

I have tried to see friends more, which I had stopped after becoming married. Which is helping. I also got a new cat, although I was able to take the one we owned together. I figured it might be a better replacement than the husband, and she's a lot more polite. He is angry at me. He thinks I did something to miscarry, which I don't think I did, but he thinks I did. Also that I'm a slut and I was cheating and those sorts of things, but I know I'm not, so it's okay.

While I do feel a bit lonely sometimes, and I'm also a little paranoid which doesn't help, I don't feel any desperate need to be with anyone either. I also did realise after this that my hatred for my country is a little irrational, and although I don't want to go back, I am learning Russian again, which is nice. I am hoping things will become better. I'm not feeling completely hopeless yet, although the future does not seem very good. But I like my job, I like where I'm living, so things are not terrible. I am looking forward to having my last name changed back though.

Relevant Comments

Turbulent-Tomato: I love seeing a positive update! Well done for putting yourself first and getting out of that situation. It may be a long and hard road from here but it will be 100% worth it when it's over.

Also, there's nothing wrong with feeling relief and sadness about the miscarriage. You can feel as many emotions as you want and especially in your situation, it's honestly expected.

Take care of yourself and I wish you the best 😊

OOP: Thank you. I suppose I feel guilty about it, because it was still a loss of life, and relief means I wanted to happen. Which is sort of like this resulted from something I wanted to happen. Which isn't very good.

Massive-Cobbler-5983: It’s totally normal to have those mixed feelings. If you’d known what your husband was truly like you wouldn’t have planned to have a baby with him, so of course you’re going to feel some relief that you aren’t tied to him for the rest of your life. And you can feel that and also grief at the loss of a life which was wanted. He caused the stress, so if stress did contribute to your miscarriage, that’s on him. You have been innocent and wise in all your decisions.

OOP: That does make sense. My mind has probably been trying to find some kind of cause, because I don't really understand any of it. And while I would never choose this to happen if I had the control over what happened, I don't. So it probably doesn't helped to think so much about it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Previous BORU . New Update marked with ***** Thanks to both and for letting me know about the update.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. New Update is 7 days old. Read trigger warnings.

Trigger Warnings: rape; panic attacks

Mood Spoiler: just sad

Original : April 30, 2024

My Husband (42M) and I (36F) have a very solid relationship. We have been together for about 13 years, have no children but are very active on my nephew's (4M) "Mark" life.

For some background: My husband has a child (16F) "Laura" with whom only my MIL and to some degree FIL have a relationship with from his nuclear family. The reason being she was conceived when her Mom poked holes to the condoms. It was a whole drama about it and my MIL begging my Husband to have a relationship with Laura but he simply couldn't, he even had to get psychiatric help in order to be able to cope with it. The Mom admitted she did it so he would stay with her due to responsibility but it did not work. He pays child support because the law mandates it but nothing more.

I didn't hear about this news from my Husband but from my MIL and she emphasized that she liked me a lot and hoped I would be a good enough person and procure a relationship between my Husband and Laura, I was flabbergasted and asked my now Husband about it because my MIL made it seem so different than the truth. He explained he was going to tell me before we moved in together, and to be fair he kind of had already gave me little infos here and there, and explained the whole situation and even told me I could go to therapy with him and see the psych info if I wanted but things were not like my MIL said. His sister confirmed this as well, and explained this issue was the reason she was not as close to her parents anymore.

Things went okeyish for some time and even the wedding went without issues. We all have several boundaries and MIL more or less respects them although she still have constant communication with Laura and her Mom, we have several cycles of very LC with her. But things went to overdrive once my SIL got pregnant with Mark, MIL started telling everybody it was not her first grandchild and all that cryptic stuff, my Husband was so uncomfortable about it.

She pushed for Laura to be involved in Birthday parties, christening, etc. but we all said no. She also invited both of them to her Birthday party a couple times and we simply did not attend.

Now the new issue is that Laura has been so sad for not having the bio Dad in her life. My husband said NO and left immediately, i stayed while grabbing our stuff since I had brought food and told her it was not going to happen.

According to my MIL Laura just wants to know my Husband since he is her real Dad and despite being Ok with her Stepdad it's not the same. She said she will give her our address and contact info because she is desperate for a connection, I told her I would call the police on all of them. I said my SIL will be very upset with her when she hears of this and to not be surprised to get less access to Mark.

MIL called my Husband cruel and me a bad person for encouraging his cruelty towards an innocent child. I told her I understand Laura is innocent but she most likely would not be asking the same if it was a woman who conceived in the same circumstances. AITAH?

EDITI thank you all for your opinions even if you say we are monsters or cruel. I’m trying to keep up but I think I need to clarify some things.

I asked if IATAH not because I want to betray my Husband but because I stand by him no matter what.

The condom did not break and he was very into safe sex, she assured him she was on the pill but he wanted to be safer by using condoms. Yes, she admitted to poking holes when he asked her if she would consider an abortion and if not if they could coparent because he really didn’t want a relationship anymore. She admitted to it, MIL knows all of this. She is not in jail because MIL begged my husband to not report it and he just wanted it all over.

My FIL is like Switzerland now, at the beginning he was up in arms until my SIL asked him if he would feel the same if it happened to her. MIL is on thin ice with SIL since she introduced Mark to Laura on a Zoo outing without consulting SIL first. MIL is not allowed alone time with Mark anymore.

He has to pay child support until Laura is 18 or done with education in the country we live. He already made sure to make a will leaving her the minimum allowed by law since you can’t disinherit children in the country but you can leave them the least amount, MIL is very distraught at this since he had me and Mark as main beneficiaries.

Husband does not want to meet Laura, give her a letter, etc. I am not going to make him do that. I do believe my MIL is pushing harder since Mark was born because my Husband is amazing with him, we even took him on a trip recently and we are very loving towards him. We also spend a bunch on him because we want, we own our place but it’s all in my name for obvious reasons.

I don’t know if Laura knows, but I would never tell her because it is not my place and despite everything I think it is horrible to learn and worse from someone you don’t even know.

AITAH has no consensus bot, but top comments were NTA

Update : May 2, 2024 (2 days later)

I want to thank everybody that took the time to reply even if it was against us, you gave us the push we needed to clear the situation. I am sorry this is long.

I showed my Husband the post and after spending a long time reading the comments he decided enough was enough. Yesterday morning he texted my SIL and MIL telling them he would like to meet and have this over with, MIL said we could do it in the afternoon and that Laura was coming too, we all said OK.

My SIL and BIL met us at the door because they didn't want to go in before us. It was really tense since the beginning, Laura tried to hug everybody but we asked her to please not. Then she tried to hug my Husband and he was slightly less polite and asked her to not touch him. My MIL was very cheerful somehow and my FIL was just offering everybody drinks and snacks, he was like living in his own reality.

We sat down and after what felt like the longest 5 silent minutes of my life my Husband turned to Laura and asked her if she could please leave him alone. Laura responded that he was her Dad and she will need his support when she goes to Uni since she was planning to move to our city and it was very expensive and hard to find a place, she said she knew he own his own place and that he clearly has money to spare so she was wondering if he would help her out. My Husband said no, that he was already paying child support and will stop as soon as the law allows him to.

She was upset but somehow kept going, she turned to me and said that at the end of the day what is my Husband's will go to her since MIL explained the inheritance laws to her and she wanted to be in good terms with me for when we need to decide what to do with the house, etc. I just told her not to worry because the house is on my name only and there is already a will covering it all. MIL knew about the will but not the house situation. Laura was a bit taken aback and looked at my MIL like asking for help.

She said that even if there is no future money she thought my Husband was unfair to her and that she used to think he simply didn't want to be a Dad but he is amazing with Mark and we even take him on trips. My SIL asked her point blank if she knew how she was conceived and she does. Laura knows everything and says that while it was not the nicest way her Mom wanted her so badly that made it happen. She said SIL should understand because she has her cousin and she would love a relationship with him. My SIL was seething and BIL told Laura he will literally call the cops if she tries to get near Mark.

She started crying saying that she wanted her family to love her and be as awesome as everybody is with Mark and that it is not her fault and her Mom is not a bad person she just wanted a family and my Husband denied them that. my Husband said that it was the lying and the deception that costed the relationship not him, that if there was an honest mistake things would have been different. He told her he will never be her Dad and she needs therapy, he said that she could get a job instead of expecting him to pay for her life in the long term and that he is not willing to have contact after today.

MIL started begging both her kids not to go and maybe do family therapy, they both said they are going NC with her and FIL is on thin ice. MIL is blocked everywhere.

I guess this is it. NC with MIL from all of us, SIL and Husband seem actually pretty happy with the decision. We had dinner together and the topic was dropped after a couple minutes and we focused on other stuff. I am sorry there is no Disney ending but this is for the best and I still support my Husband's mental health above all.

Edit:

I think I would like to play a little devil's advocate regarding the money. When Mark was born we started being very active in his life. We have yearly passes to the zoo, get him nice things, pick him up from daycare twice per week, got him to Disneyland Paris, etc. I believe my MIL was showing her pictures and that is why it came out like this. Or at least it is my assumption of it. Her Mom is not poor by any means, but she does have 2 other kids. Our city is very popular for student life which makes it that much expensive.

My Husband and I are not interested in having or not children on our own, we simply are ambivalent about the issue. I know it might have made MIL even more eager to have a relationship with Laura. We were giving her pocket money for some time but we have decided to stop that as well and let her figure things out with her pension alone.

I don't think we will have anything else to update in this case other than if Laura or MIL come around Mark but I highly doubt this will happen. As much as we don't want a relationship with any of them these are a teenager and a pensioner, not criminal masterminds.

*****New Update : July 12, 2024 (Over 2 months later)*****

I want to start by saying thank you again to the encouraging messages and and f to the ones calling us all monsters. We are humans and flawed as every single one of the rest.

I thought the issue was over and dropped but it seems it is now. We had some weeks of bliss and chaos afterwards, we are all still recovering from it.

Now to what happened to explode our life again and please keep in mind it brings me no joy. My nephew Mark turned 5 weeks after my last update, after so many messages from my MIL and FIL, my SIL decided to let them attend but told MIL she was not to bother me or my Husband. My MIL didnt approached us once but kept staring at us and we decided to ignore her.

The issue was that I kept holding my pumped stomach and my husband kept being goofy about it. I am not pregnant, I have several intolerances to delicious yummy things that make me bloated but I misbehave and eat sometimes. My MIL does not know about most of them since they are age developed and we used to go yoyo with LC with her so I guess she assumed I was pregnant.

A week after Mark's birthday party is when everything went to hell, Laura came to my Husband's office and made a scene. She was screming at him how she couldn't believe he was starting over without taking care of his first child and many other insults and stuff. She was throwing office supplies and crying and making a whole deal so the office manager called the police and an ambulance, she also called me. By the time I arrived my husband was having a panic attack in his office and totally sure he was fired. I told him to not worry and i will sort it. I explained everything to everybody from coworkers, to police, to emts. Laura was taken in for evaluation and the coworkers took a "long lunch" so my husband could leave without having the awkward walk out.

I took my husband home shaking and as he was panicking and crying he said he felt unsafe, I took him to his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist was able to calm it and we also had a session together days later where he opened up more about what the Mom did to him. This has been very expensive but worth it for sure.

Laura was not really in trouble since the office manager agreed to let it go for an apology and payment, the Mom (Laura's) was not having it. The moment she saw my husband at the station she went ballistic and my Husband couldn't handle it and he had another panic attack. This woman is a fcking doctor but does not care for it. Atg the end she paid the fine and restitution to the office and took Laura home.

As a little background, I would like to share something I recently discovered about my husband's relationship with Laura's Mom: whatever I thought, it was way worse. Will not go into details but during therapy it came out she even threatened him once with a knife. It has been really hard to keep it together latelty. But explains a lot of my husband's reactions here.

My SIL was so done with my MIL after it, she told her dad he either divorce her or she is cutting him too. It is still a 50/50 since SIL is literally FIL's favorite person but he has been married to MIL for like 44 years. My BIL took my husband camping and they had fun and kept him distracted. He has been mainly on sick leave since the incident, he is a manager so he would come 1 day a week and then get the rest of the week covered so he can recover. This was suggested by his bosses, hey all feel like they should have protected their employees better.

My SIL, Husband, BIL, and I had a disagreement due to Laura's expenses. I suggested to just get her a block payment and requesting she should get therapy but all of them say she should get nothing. I said I would be willing to pay for it but after the new revelations on my Husband's relationship with the Mom my SIL is even more up on arms against helping them more than we should.

I do feel bad for Laura, I do..... and I know the rest (Husband, SIL, BIL) used to a little. Now, there is no way in heaven to make them help her. The last "nice thing" my Husband did was convincing his bosses to not charge Laura and paying for the monitors she broke.

Since his leave my Husband spends a lot of his afternoons with Mark. My SIL and BIL and leading the charge on getting Laura to accept a bulk payment and therapy but don't want her in their life. MIL and FIL and estranged so far and my Husband goes to therapy once a week and slowly recovering.

And before it starts, yes we know Laura is a victim of her Mom but does it give her a right to retraumatize my husband? I still stand with my Husband and probably will be called the worst of the worst but some advice was very good the first few times so that's why I came back.

Relevant Comments:

On husband not pressing charges/Laura's confusion and angst:

My husband said no charges so he could avoid seeing Laura's mom. I never realized how bad it affected him until now and it breaks my hearts for both of them.

Commenter: That kid is so unhinged and its the mom’s fault for enabling her behavior. Better to just go no contact with her and that deranged mom.

Laura’s mom shouldnt be allowed to be near patients if shes like that. Heck she shouldnt have a doctor’s license knowing her behavior

OOP: Sadly, because he does not have any physical proper evidence against her anymore she is ok. His psychiatrist could come and talk if he complained but it is very hard to get a trial against someone when the laws might not agree.

On Laura:

We hope she goes to therapy, I can understand how being "rejected by family members" feel. Buut she also has so many traits of her Mom and her Grandma encouraged her. I myself am adopted but this is too much for me and my family. My parents are very concerned about the whole thing.

Commenter (downvoted): Did it ever occur to you that Laura probably wouldn’t be the emotionally disturbed mess she is now if your husband hadn’t treated her like shit her entire childhood? Your husband was free to hate Laura’s mom all he wanted, she deserved it, but that kid was innocent when she was born. She was not responsible for what her mother did, yet your husband treated her like some dirt stuck to the bottom of his shoe. She spent her whole life being rejected again and again. Maybe if she’d had a parental figure in her life other than her crazy mom she wouldn’t have turned out this way.

OOP: Did it ever occurred you my husband was raped?

CONTEXT A meme subreddit devoted to reimagining memes and comics with an entirely different context, has been a fan(?) of PizzaCake's comics owed to them being easy to tinker with to turn into a new joke or punchline, to the point where it has become self-referential. Another appears in this same vein with little trouble, with a raunchy reference to PizzaCake, until the question of hYpoCriSy? is put forth. One user gets up in arms and the timeless debate of misogyny, consent, and fetishes rears its head on reddit again, resulting in some bite-sized drama.

What's the OF link?

I don’t look at many of her comics but isn’t that hypocritical as shit since she’s made comics about catcalling and being sexualized as a woman??

In case you're actually this stupid; 1. Being sexually harassed simply for existing as a woman = bad, 2. Voluntarily selling sexual photos of yourself on your own terms = good. Notice how those are two totally different things?

Like I’ve been saying, it’s contradictory to say that being sexualized by random people is bad before making people pay to sexualize you. Even with consent that’s still basically saying “Men, women do not want to be harassed and sexualized for your sexual gratification! We only want to make you PAY for sexual gratification!” And before you say the difference is harassment, no, her OnlyFans page says fetish friendly as far as I could see.

This, kids, is why you don't drink brain damage juice.

You don’t know what a fetish is, do you? Many people are sadists, and fetish friendly would include them. Sadism, can include harassment, probably not to her, but you get my point. This, my fellow functioning-brain friends, is why you actually learn shit before talking shit.

The difference is consent, and you're doing a lot of mental gymnastics to avoid that.

The topic of consent continues to elude them

Your argument is nonsensical and doesn't adress the consent part. One is harassment (not consensual) the other is paid sex work (consensual). You're trying some strange mental gymnastics to say its hypocritical when they are in fact not the same thing. In one case she willingly does it for a paying audience, in the other she's forcibly made to do it by people that do it for their own gratification. You don't seem to understand what consent and harassment are.

And I quote! “Even with consent that’s still basically saying “Men, women do not want to be harassed and sexualized for your sexual gratification! We only want to make you PAY for sexual gratification!”" Yes, I did bring up consent and use it against their argument.

I think you hit the nail on the head but the problem is you don't get it. If I started following you around on the internet to say, "This guy doesn't think consent is real!". On your other social media platforms? On your job's social media? On your children's social media? Versus in a place where we are debating this point. This is just one small part of why consent does include different expectations in different settings. One is harassing and one is (hopefully) a good faith argument over the rights of human beings in a space that accommodates that.

And they continue to argue about "consent"

No I’ve definitely seen one where she’s been catcalled then gets pissed at some guy who wasn’t actually doing anything rude.

The point is she’s consenting to being sexualized on her onlyfans she is not consenting when she’s randomly catcalled when she’s walking down the street

And it’s still hypocritical to talk about over-sexualization being a problem for women before selling your nudes on the internet.

This guy claims to like sex but doesn’t want to be raped, what a hypocrite

“Grr men need to stop sexualizing women so much! However for only 19.99 a month…”

comments you can smell

Aw geez I can see you’re one of those sad people who praise a few people and the moment anyone points out any of their flaws, true or false you have to go ahead and act like that person is the villain and deserves to be decapitated. Talk about shit you can smell.

brother what flaw? what flaw are you pointing out? i dont even know who pizzacake is but youre just saying "they cant be allowed to consensually put their own naked pictures online because they think rape is bad" like do you even understand what youre typing?

Seriously, they keep coming back for more

Ohh you’re a hypocrite defending a hypocrite! Yeah CNC is the same as sadism, you literally made your argument about me talking about a fair point then dismissing it, but when you were proven wrong you talked about something completely different than what I was talking about. Hmm, your argument makes sense… Or does it?

anyone in this thread smoke weed

this guy does for sure

And is the BHJ comic misogynistic, or just poking fun?

it's not misogynistic it's about beating themselves to her onlyfans

Specifically seeking out a woman’s only fans/nudes to insult her appearance is pretty misogynistic.

it's more gross and stalker-like

It's that as well but there are explicitly misogynistic undertones about shaming her body and sex work, while also getting off to her. Like you can't act as if there isn't a gendered aspect to that considering...idk, the entirety of human history.

I hope you liked the periodic PizzaCake-adjacent drama, because chances are there will be more. There is still plenty of arguing in the OOP itself since the user just doesn't know when to quit, feel free to enjoy the popcorn. Some appropriate flair are:

• "This guy likes sex but doesn’t want to be raped, hypocrite"

• "it's not misogynistic it's about beating themselves to her onlyfans"

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Thanks to for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. The LATEST UPDATE is 7 days old. This is a long post and very much still ongoing.

Trigger Warning: abuse; verbal abuse; emotional abuse; child neglect; discussions of child death

Mood Spoiler: distressing and frustrating

Original : July 10, 2024

My husband, Jake (30M), and I (27F) recently welcomed our first baby, Emma, who is now three months old. As most new parents know, it's been a challenging time, filled with sleepless nights and endless diaper changes. I’m on maternity leave, so I’m home with Emma all day, but I still need help from Jake, especially during the night.

Jake works from home and is a huge gamer. He spends most of his free time playing online games with his friends. I’ve tried to be understanding and give him his space, but it’s been hard when he refuses to help with Emma at night. I’ve asked him multiple times to take turns getting up with her, but he always says he’s too tired or that he has an important game.

Breastfeeding has been particularly difficult. Emma often struggles to latch properly, leading to painful and sometimes cracked nipples. I’ve had mastitis twice already, which leaves me feeling feverish and in intense pain. Despite seeing me in pain, Jake just laughs it off, finding it amusing. He never offers to help during these moments, even though I’m visibly struggling and desperate for support.

One night, after I’d been up with Emma for the third time and Jake was still glued to his computer, I’d had enough. I went into his office and asked him to take over so I could get some sleep. He waved me off, saying he was in the middle of a game and that I should just handle it. He added, "You're on maternity leave and free all day while I have to work, so I need time to relax. You're just sitting around doing nothing all day anyway."

I was exhausted and on the verge of tears. I needed his help, but he was completely dismissive. In a moment of frustration and desperation, I walked over to the router and turned off the Wi-Fi. That's when Jake completely lost it. He stormed out of his office, screaming at me. Apparently, he and his friends were in some sort of online tournament, and they were about to win when I unplugged the Wi-Fi. He called me selfish, irresponsible, and accused me of sabotaging his one form of relaxation.

He went on to say that I had no right to interfere with his "me time" and that I should have just waited until he was done. I calmly explained that I needed his help and that our baby was more important than his game. He refused to listen and continued to berate me, adding that I haven't even been having sex with him and that we've only had sex four times since Emma was born. He accused me of wanting to take everything away from him while doing nothing all day and sitting at home on my ass.

Jake never helps during the day either, even after he finishes work at 5 PM. I don’t expect him to help during work hours, but once he’s off, he should be stepping up as a parent. Instead, he goes straight to his games, leaving me to handle everything alone.

Since then, he’s been sulking around the house, barely speaking to me. To make matters worse, his friends have been sending me nasty messages, calling me a "crazy wife" and saying I’m unreasonable. One of them even suggested that Jake should leave me because I'm "too demanding."

I feel like I’m losing my mind here, just trying to get a bit of support. I’m exhausted, and all I wanted was for Jake to step up and be a parent too. Instead, I’m being painted as the villain for wanting help with our newborn.

AITA?

Edit 1: For those saying why I married him and didn't I know this before, Jake was completely different before Emma was born. He was supportive and understanding. This behavior is new and shocking to me.

Edit 2: (Editor's note- this was originally OOP's reply to a YTA commenter berating her for being overdramatic and like she's the only one who has ever had kids.) To all those calling me the asshole, I am sorry. Your words cut deep, and I feel more hurt than I can express. I didn't turn off the Wi-Fi out of spite or because I couldn't handle my responsibilities; it was a desperate act after feeling completely unsupported and alone. I feel like I'm drowning in guilt and sadness. This time with Emma has been incredibly challenging—I'm constantly exhausted and in pain from breastfeeding. All I do is cry because I feel like such a failure. I just can't anymore.

Jake works hard, and I appreciate him, but his indifference to my struggles makes me feel so isolated. I spend my days and nights in tears, wondering if I'm failing as a mother and a wife. All I've wanted is for us to share the responsibilities of parenting, especially during those late-night feedings and diaper changes that leave me feeling so drained.

I've been struggling with feelings of sadness and guilt, wondering if I'm failing as a mother and a wife. It's not about controlling his downtime; it's about needing his support during this incredibly tough time. I wish you could understand the depth of loneliness and frustration I've been feeling.

Your words about me being selfish and immature hit hard because I've been questioning myself constantly. I never wanted to play the victim or make Jake out to be the bad guy. All I wanted was for us to work together as a team, like we promised each other when we decided to start a family.

I'm sorry if my actions hurt anyone, including Jake and his friends. I was overwhelmed and at my breaking point. I'm trapped in a cycle of guilt, feeling like everything is my fault. I never wanted to hurt anyone; I just don't know how to cope anymore. I'm not trying to be selfish—I'm just trying to survive.

Edit 3: A lot of people are saying I am making breastfeeding a huge deal and millions of moms do it too, but mastitis isn’t just a minor inconvenience—it’s an excruciating, throbbing pain that feels like shards of glass stabbing into my breasts with every suckle. Sometimes, the pain is so intense that I cry silently while Emma feeds and I have to bury my face in a pillow to muffle my cries because Jake has made it clear that my suffering is a nuisance to him. He says he is either working, gaming, or sleeping, so I should not disturb him. And some people are saying that even if this happens to me then wtf should he do here? Do I expect him to grow a breast and feed Emma? But no, I am not expecting him to do that, I just want him to support me. He never offers to help during these moments, even though I’m in tears and desperately in need of support.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: I'm a dad gamer and a stay at home dad gamer. Simply put kids come first. I've stopped playing games where I can't really control when I walk away unless the kids are in bed.

Also you had a baby with a man child.

You all need to pick better partners to have kids with already. There is no way this type of shit just sprung up. He has been this way since the beginning and you chose to ignore it. It's really sucky because you and this kid deserve so much better, but come on. You knew that your husband was like this before the kid. I'm sure he barely helps with the house duties never mind child/baby duties .

But no you aren't the ass. Baby comes first . Plain and simple.

OOP: I wish everyone could be like you. It's incredibly tough when the person you thought would be there for you and your child isn't stepping up. I feel so lost and alone in this struggle. All I want is for us to prioritize our baby and work together, but it's been a constant battle. Thank you for understanding that the baby comes first. It means a lot to hear someone else recognize that.

Commenter (deleted): YTA. Your husband is right; you’re home all day doing nothing while he’s working. It’s not that hard to take care of a baby.

Taking care of a baby isn’t rocket science, and you’re making it out to be the hardest job in the world. You’re home all day, doing nothing while he’s working to provide for you and the baby. The least you could do is let him unwind with his games. Instead, you throw a tantrum and unplug the Wi-Fi. Get over yourself and stop acting like you’re the only one making sacrifices. He deserves his downtime, and you need to respect that.

OOP: I understand your perspective, but it's really not that simple. Yes, I'm home with Emma during the day, but caring for a newborn is incredibly demanding, both physically and emotionally. Jake works from home, which means he's here, but he rarely helps with anything beyond his work or his games. Even on weekends when he's not working, he's glued to his computer, gaming with his friends. He never changes diapers, dress her, or even comfort her when she's crying. It's not just about the physical tasks; it's about feeling supported and not shouldering everything on my own, when I'm already stretched thin emotionally and physically.

I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm the only one making sacrifices. I appreciate that he works hard, but I'm also working hard to care for our baby without much help. It's exhausting, and it hurts to feel like I'm doing this alone. I just wish he would see how much I need him to be present, not just physically here, but emotionally too. It's not about throwing tantrums; it's about trying to get through each day without feeling completely overwhelmed and unsupported.

Update : July 12, 2024 (2 days later)

First, I want to say that I initially posted just to find out if I was wrong for sabotaging my husband’s tournament. I ended up sharing a lot of context, and I never expected to receive such an outpouring of advice on other issues. But oh my God, your responses have been the best thing that’s happened to me lately. Your words have had a profound impact on me.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much to all the mamas, dads, and everyone who offered their wonderful advice and educated me on postpartum depression (PPD). After reading everything, I immediately booked an appointment for the next day, and it turns out I do have PPD. I’ll be starting therapy soon, and my doctor has also suggested joining a support group (I’m still considering it).

I never thought I’d be saying this to random strangers, but I love you all so much. You’ve turned my life around. Thank you so so so much to everyone who informed me about tongue ties. I went to see a doctor for this as well and it turns out my baby has a minor, unnoticeable tongue tie that was causing all the latching issues. I’ve scheduled an appointment later this week to get it corrected. Without your advice, I would have never known, and it would have continued to be a struggle.

Yesterday, I was feeling so depressed, crying all day. But today, everything feels so much better. Each one of your comments made a difference. I’ve read almost all of your advice. Though I couldn’t reply to every comment, I spent a lot of time reading and each one touched my heart deeply. Again, thank you so much, everyone. You are incredible.

To everyone who DM'ed me with their advice and resources like books, other subreddits, and websites, I am eternally grateful. I promise I’ll reply whenever I get a chance. I saved a lot of comments because the advice was so invaluable. I’m amazed that so many people took the time to give me and my baby detailed, thoughtful replies. I’ll try to respond to you guys whenever I can I hope you all understand.

About the sex thing, thank you to everyone who made me aware that this isn’t normal. I had been feeling guilty this whole time, thinking it's already been 6 weeks and wondering why I don't want to have sex. Jake was gaslighting me into believing that my sex drive should be normal after 6 weeks and guilting me for not wanting to have sex. Each of the 4 times we did, I felt very uncomfortable, but I thought maybe it was just me. Now that everyone has shared how long their partners waited and husbands have told me how long they waited for their wives to be comfortable, it made me realize how much I’ve been pressured unfairly.

Also, there were a few gamer people who trolled me heavily for what I did, but most of the gamer parents, especially gamer dads, came forward and shared how wonderful they are as parents and how gaming comes after their child. The first hour after I posted this, I was harassed badly, especially by this one person (his account has been deleted by the moderators now). But after that horrific hour, most people were so supportive and nice. I was thinking of deleting my post after all the backlash from some gamers and a lot of men agreeing with Jake, saying that just because I am on maternity leave, I do nothing all day and shouldn’t expect Jake to help because he is working and I am being unreasonable for wanting him to help out more. But thank God I didn’t delete it; it would have been the worst mistake. Trust me, you guys, it’s not just about the advice but the emotional support you gave me in a day, sitting miles away from me. My husband couldn’t even give that in 3 months, being under the same roof as me. This made me feel so much better, realizing how much I needed this support. Again, thank you so much, everyone.

I still cry a lot and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, like a heavy weight pressing down on my heart. There are moments when I feel like I'm failing as a mother and a wife, and the pain of those thoughts is unbearable. But thanks to all of you, I feel so much better than before. Your words have been like a lifeline, pulling me out of the darkest depths of despair. Every comment, every message, has been a reminder that I’m not alone in this struggle. I can’t describe the relief of knowing that there are people who understand and care. It’s like a warm embrace that I desperately needed, and for that, I am very grateful. You’ve given me the strength to keep going, to fight for myself and my baby, and for that, I will never be able to thank you enough.

Answering some questions asked a lot:

How long have we been together?

We dated for 1 year and 5 months before getting married and have been married for about a year and 4 months. So in total about 2 years 9 months.

Was the pregnancy planned?

Yes, it was planned and actually his idea. I wanted to wait at least a year after getting married, but he made everything sound so good—like we would be such great parents, and how we would do stuff together, and how happy everything would be. I didn’t need much convincing. I got very excited hearing all this and had butterflies in my stomach. But now that I think of it, while we were dating, I remember him saying multiple times that it’s his goal to get married and have a kid before turning 30 (Emma was born a month before he turned 30), so maybe he was just trying to achieve his goal.

A lot of people(mostly men) are commenting that what they believe happened is that we dated for few months, got pregnant and had to marry in haste all within less than a year and that's the reason he is being like this, according to them I forced him into all this because I am a bitch who baby trapped him and he never wanted to have a kid, but this is far from truth.

How long does my maternity leave last, and is it paid or unpaid?

I work at a well-known USA-based company that offers 16 weeks of paid maternity leave. Maternity leave can be extended up to 22 weeks, but those additional weeks will be unpaid.

How does my income compare to his?

I do make a little more money than he does annually, but I also have longer working hours. He usually works from 10 AM to 5 PM, with an hour break in between, so about 6 hours of actual work.

Why did I have a baby with him when I knew he was so into gaming?

No, he wasn’t into gaming that much before. It was like 3-4 hours a day. After the baby came, he didn’t game much for about a week, but after that, oh my God, he was gaming 24/7, even during meals and work breaks. Once, I caught him working on the laptop during his work hours and gaming with the free hand. He probably is cutting a lot on sleep just to game. It would easily be 10+ hours of gaming daily.

Does he help with other chores?

No, he very rarely does. I do all the chores like laundry, dishes, vacuuming. Once, I threatened him that he must at least do his own dishes because I wouldn’t do it anymore, and after that, he got a huge stack of disposable plates, spoons, glasses, etc. Honestly, I use those too from his stock sometimes because I’m just so exhausted. I do most of the cooking. He’ll boil eggs at the most, and that too like 2-3 times a week. About 3 weeks ago, I was really mad at him because I had asked him to change Emma’s diapers if she pooped while I was at my gynecologist for a follow-up. He didn’t change Emma’s diapers, so I didn’t make food for him for 3 days. He ordered DoorDash for all the meals.

That’s why even though a lot of people are asking me to leave him with Emma for 8 hours, I don’t know in what condition I’ll find my baby when I come back. I was only gone for an hour and a half, and I came home to her crying and soiled while my husband had his headphones on. He claimed he didn’t hear the crying. God knows how long my baby had been crying. I felt awful that night and cried myself to sleep, thinking did she start crying as soon as I left and cry for the whole hour and a half? Also, I have no idea what I will do after I resume my job, and I barely have 10 weeks to figure everything out.

I haven't thought what to do about Jake as of now, but I'll let you know.

A lot of people have suggested that I go to my parents' house or call my MIL, but it would create a huge scene if I did. My parents, especially my dad, are very protective of me since I’m an only child. If he knew how Jake has been treating me and our daughter, he would take me home immediately and get me divorced, and Jake would be in serious trouble (he doesn’t like Jake already). And if my male cousins found out, I can’t even explain what would happen to him. They are extremely protective of me as well.

It’s not that I don’t want to be with my family or get their help, but I would have to explain the reason, and I don’t want to do this to Jake just yet. Many people have mentioned that Jake might have PPD too because it’s unusual for him to change all of a sudden like this. I still want to hold onto hope after reading all those comments about how therapy changed their husbands, and even some dads coming forward telling me how they used to be like Jake and now they have changed.

However, 2-3 dads also DM’ed me, saying they are like Jake and told me to run as far as I can. One of them said he ended up beating his 6 month-old baby when he was crying, and another said he shook his baby. Oh my God, this terrified me. Jake is behaving awfully, but I think he would never do something like that. But after reading all this, I don’t think I can leave Emma alone with him.

I’m crying while writing this, but I want you all to know that when Emma grows up, I will make sure to tell her about the kind strangers who helped her and her mama in such difficult times. I’ll tell her about the people who, even from miles away, reached out with their hearts and lifted us up when we were at our lowest. The tears I shed now are not just from the pain and exhaustion, but also from the overwhelming gratitude I feel for each one of you. I’ll forever be grateful for your kindness and compassion, and I want Emma to know that in our darkest moments, there were angels who came to our rescue. Thank you for giving us the strength to carry on.

I’ll try to keep you all updated on how things progress.

Sending love and gratitude to each and every one of you.

**Edit:**Many of you are urging me to call my dad ASAP and get his help. Trust me, I understand why you’re saying this, but there’s something you should know about my dad. When it comes to me, he’s incredibly hot-headed and protective. If my dad, cousins and uncles find out how Jake has been treating me, they will definitely go after him, and it won’t end well. I’m scared they will face assault charges or worse for what they’ll do to Jake.

Even if Jake decides to get therapy and changes, my dad will never let me try again with him. There’s no way my family will allow Jake back into my life once they know everything. It hurts every day when I have to hold back my tears while talking to my mom, dad, and other family members. It hurts to lie to my parents, to pretend that everything is perfect when I’m actually falling apart. Sometimes I break down while on calls, and I have to cut the conversation short, lying that Emma woke up again just so they don’t hear me crying.

You don’t know how much I want to tell them, how much I want their support, but I’m terrified of making a decision where there’s no coming back from in such haste. I fear making a decision in haste that leaves no room for redemption or reconciliation.

Update 2: July 12, 2024 (Same Day, 5.5 hours later)

I know this is a very early update—it's only been 5 hours since I posted my last update—but they have been enough to knock some sense into me. You guys are right. I am being an asshole here and not prioritizing my baby, so I need to get out of here ASAP.

Oh my God, I read the comments, and I am overwhelmed. I've been crying hysterically again. Jake even shouted from the other room, asking if I could keep it down. You're right; he won't change—he is so insensitive. Realizing how foolish I’ve been has hit me hard. You all made me see how stupid I am for not leaving Jake and going to my parents, and how I am putting both Emma's and my lives in danger.

The thing that moved me the most was when you told me to imagine if it was Emma being treated like this. Would I want her to keep quiet or tell me what's happening with her? That hit me so hard. I can’t bear the thought of her going through what I’m going through.

I've decided to talk to my family tomorrow or day after tomorrow. I need some time to think about what and how much to say to them so the worst doesn’t happen, and my family doesn’t end up in jail. They love me a lot and have been protective of me since I was a kid. I also need to find and upload all the recordings from the CCTV cameras to my laptop, which will help me with custody if we end up getting divorced. I need time to figure out the recordings and CCTV stuff, so I’ll probably call someone for help.

I'm thinking of doing this discreetly when Jake is sleeping because I am scared he might completely lose it. I know he probably won't even notice since he mostly sleeps between gaming and doesn’t come out of the room. But then again, I have been an idiot about so much stuff already, so let me know if I should do it another way.

Please, if there are steps(other than the recordings and important documents) I should take before telling my family and leaving, let me know (because I know once I leave I won't be coming back). I know I don’t reply often, but I read your comments, and I promise I’ll try to reply when things are better here. But please, I only have a little time and don’t want to mess this up. You guys have scared the hell out of me with the possibilities of what could happen.

You all are saying Jake will kill the baby and I'll end up doing a funeral for my baby. Please don't say stuff like that. That's just a very cruel and mean thing to say. I have already been so depressed and crying, and now it feels like I am drowning again. Please, please, please stop saying that I’ll end up with a dead baby—it’s very, very insensitive, even if you are saying this just so I would ask for help and leave Jake.

Secondly, I know you must be thinking, "Why does this woman cry a lot? She is always crying, and she is pathetic," but I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I do is cry, and I wasn’t like this before. I cried very little before giving birth, to be honest. I am just very overwhelmed.

And to those who are saying bad things about my dad, calling him a psycho control freak with anger issues, trust me, he is nothing like that. He is actually a very calm person, but he is very close to me and extremely protective. Since I was little, he gets protective even when someone raises their voice at me. He is not a bad person; he just cares deeply about me.

Thank you all for your support and advice. You’ve opened my eyes, and I’m determined to make things better for Emma and me.

P.S. Emma just woke up and now she is just staring at me with her big blue eyes, and she isn't even crying. Maybe she is trying to say something, I don't know. Even this is making me break down in tears. I am back from where I began; I am going crazy. I can't believe looking at her tiny hands, her little fingers gripping mine, that I was being such a blindfolded, idiotic bitch who was going to jeopardize my baby's life. The guilt and shame are overwhelming, and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

Editor's note: OOP has not updated in a week. I'm sincerely hoping that she got away and is safe.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 10th July 2024

- 13th July 2024

AITAH for wanting to dump my fiancée after she injured herself while I was away?

While I (30m) was away on business, my fiancée (32 f) decided to go out without telling me.

We spoke in the afternoon, I was on my way to the airport ahead of an 8 hour flight, which was arriving at 5 am. Her friend had just come back from out of state and she was planning on taking her out to dinner. Once I landed I didn't want to wake her as she normally gets up around 7. I got home and she wasn't there. Her car was parked outside but she wasn't in bed. For a moment I panicked and thought she had gone to surprise me at the airport and I somehow missed her. But her car was outside? I call her and her phone rang to voicemail. I call 10 more times while I shower and change. At first I wasn't too worried thinking maybe she went for a run, but the scenarios running through my head were getting darker.

We have our phones on our icloud account in case we lose them, so I bring it up to find her location. Her iPhone was at the hospital. My heart sank. I start heading to the hospital. All her family live out of state so there's no one to call. The hospital is 10 minutes away, I speed, run red lights, park right in front of the emergency department door and go in like a maniac demanding the triage staff tell me where my wife is. They take me to her room.

She's asleep in bed but I can immediately see she's hurt. Her lip is swollen and she looks like she's been beaten up. Bruises on her face, splint thing on her nose. My panic and worry morph into rage and I demand to know what happened and who did this to her. I was informed that she arrived in an ambulance at 2am, having drunkenly stumbled and faceplanted onto the curb while leaving a bar. She had a broken nose, chipped tooth, and other minor abrasions and scratches but she was going to be fine.

This made absolutely no sense. I seriously feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I don't drink, never have, and she hasn't touched alcohol since college basically. I don't even know what's happening at this point. She's tried to offer up some kind of explanation about how her friend pressured her to have wine while they were at dinner, and then they somehow ended up in a bar (she apparently has no recollection and "teleported" there). I've been giving her the silent treatment and it's 8pm. She has been crying and wanting some sort of consolement or reassurance but I genuinely think I'm done. This whole thing just came out of left field, and I'm not handling it well at all.

We've been living together since we got engaged and it would be a pretty clean split. Her parents own the house so I can basically just take my stuff and go, I guess? I really don't know what to do, we've been together a year and a half, and I feel like we could get past this, but it's like this whole ordeal and the emotional rollercoaster have sapped away the love I felt for her. Anyways, sorry for the novel, but WIBTA if I dump her?

Comments

BeyondZardoz

YTA This is kinda a big overreaction to someone going out to drink and getting hurt. Seems like you are just looking for an out to the relationship and this is the most convenient way.

OOP: She's definitely not cheating or sneaking around like some people seem to think. We also have great insurance so the medical bills are no issue.

It's definitely the first time anything like this has happened. She is super responsible and mature which I one of the things that has made us so compatible. She's always so dignified and composed which is one of the things I love most about her. Seeing her like this and learning about how it happened just kind of shattered the image I had of her in my mind. She is super embarrassed about it which doesn't really help.

Limp-Local9071

Seems like you posted on two subs. Maybe hoping for better answers. Idk. But the general consensus on both posts thus far is that you're the AH, and I agree.

She very well could have been drugged if she doesn't remember everything that happened She's in pain and probably scared as well. She needs love and care.

But instead, you have your panties in a bunch and are angry with her. Mainly, from what I gather, you're angry because she went out and didn't tell you. You're her bf. Not her parent. She thought she was probably just having a drink with a friend.

Just because you never drink, and she hasn't had one in a long time doesn't mean she was irresponsible. It doesn't mean her getting hurt is her fault. Things happen. You're mad she did something you don't like to do, and didn't tell you about it. Hell she probably needed a damn drink while you were away because her bf is an insufferable jerk. Which is probably why she didn't tell you she went out in the first place.

You didn't lose love for her. You never had true love for her in the first place. If you did love her, none of this would even be a question for you in the first place.

So. Do HER a favor and leave her because she deserves better. She deserves someone who truly loves her and will take care of her when she needs it the most, instead of turning their back on her like you.

YTA times infinite.

OOP: I get it. I'm TA. Enough people mentioned that she was roofied so we went and got a drug panel done that came back clean. She just had too much to drink. Just to clarify since a lot of you said I'm controlling or whatever, I'm really not. She's free to go out, with or without telling me, it's just she normally always tells me her plans exactly which is why this was so abnormal. Also, I never said I had a problem with her drinking, she's a grown woman and she can do whatever she wants. It's just that she never drinks which is why this was so shocking. She has a concussion, which we are blaming for the trouble remembering, I don't think she was blackout drunk and neither does she.

I'm not trying to defend my initial reaction, but I have a very stressful job (which has taken its toll on my mental health for sure) and I make an effort to eliminate any sort of non-work related stress as a matter of necessity. Coming back to my wife in the hospital seriously injured was absolutely devastating, and I know that I didn't react well. My first thoughts were that she was attacked by someone, which infuriated me and made me want to go find whoever that was. Once I realized there was nobody to blame for this except her, some of those negative emotions were directed towards her. I'm not saying it's right, but I can't control how I feel.

Let me also be clear about one thing: I wasn't ignoring her, I just really didn't know what to say to her and I wanted to let her rest. I was processing the situation and I knew if I didn't control what I said I might say something that blamed her or was hurtful or something along those lines, which is why I decided to hold my tongue until I sorted out my feelings. Yes, I know I'm the AH

**Judgement - YTA**

MINI UPDATE:(same post)

She broke off the engagement. We had a long talk and apparently I've been cold and unsupportive (i disagree but whatever) and she feels betrayed by my attitude? She thinks my expectations are unrealistic and that she's a human not a robot. She said she needs someone who can let her fail and I am not that person.

Update - 3 days later

WIBTAH if I don't return the expensive watch my ex-fiancée's father gave me?

We broke up after being engaged for six months. One night when we were at her parent's place her father gave it to me as a gift. It was shortly after we got engaged and it wasn't my birthday or anything like that, there was no occasion he just gave it to me and said "I want you to have this.". He took it off his wrist. I'm unlikely to ever see him again as he lives in California and I live in New York. He hasn't asked for it back nor has my ex. I doubt she has any clue what it's worth but I've had it appraised and it's worth over $70k. WIBTA if I keep the watch and don't say anything?

Comments

MangoSaintJuice

Just read your previous posts so yah ywbtah if you keep it, give it back to them

yourtsgirlfriend

Yes, you would be the asshole if you keep the watch without discussing it with your ex-fiancée or her father. While the watch was given to you as a gift, its significant value and the circumstances of your breakup suggest that there might be emotional and familial attachments involved. Keeping such a valuable item without at least offering to return it could be seen as disrespectful or opportunistic, especially considering the relationship dynamics and the fact that it was a gift from her father. It's best to communicate openly and transparently about it to avoid any misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

She hides the cake that we made for us in her cabinet!!!

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: eating disorder, past trauma, controlling behavior

: July 5, 2024

We are at my MIL for a couple of weeks because our house is being renovated. Now only couple of days have gone by and it is already drama, I won't go in to that. But! 3 days ago my fiancèe made a cake for all of us. She just wanted to be kind. My MIL tried the cake, she said that she doesn't really like it, and that it's too chocolaty. That being said, not that I count or that I don't want her to eat from it, but she basically ate half of the whole cake in 24 hours!

The next day, she said that now, she's gonna make a cake. I thought that she must have been feeling sorry that she ate so many, and that she wants to make up for it. She made a cake and put it on the table. All three of us took a slice and ate it. It wasn't bad. So now 3/4s of the cake remains on the table.

Yesterday I walked out to the kitchen and all 3/4 of the cake disappeared. I immediately asked the both of them. My fiancèe said that she only ate one more slice. My MIL was very intimidated, and she only said that her friend was over from the neighbourhood, and she gave her the cake so that it "doesn't dry out". It's a very shitty excuse but okay, we went with that.

Today in the morning we were searching for cloth hangers in the house because we needed more in our room. My MIL was at work and we texted her if we could check her clothes cabinet for hangers. She said of course. When we opened the cabinet, there were 2 plates in it, both the cakes that my fiancèe and the one she made was on it, next to them a spoon, and traces that she's been eating them there!

We both got furious and waited for her to come home and talk to her. Thanks God that I told my fiancèe that she should take a photo of it, because when she arrived home and we told her what we found, she told us that we can't go to her room anymore, and that we found nothing. Then we showed her the picture. She was very agressive and embarrassed, and couldn't really know what to say. We fought about it and she went away.

We don't know what to think at this point. Is she afraid we're gonna eat it from her? She wants them all for herself? We didn't talk since then, but I don't know where from here. Do we stay? I couldn't believe she would do something like this because she is not obese or food addicted to act in a way like this, she barely eats throughout the day, and she's pretty fit.

Edit: I don't think she has an eating disorder, she barely eats normally, and she is very thin. I think she has some problem with sharing with people. She always thinks about herself. In the past, whenever we went out somewhere she demanded that she was in controll of where we go. Otherwise, she gets angry.

Also she is never satisfied with anything that we or her new boyfriend do. We can do everything but she always finds something to complain about. Also she has a list in her head of what things she buys in the fridge, and if one day we buy proportionally less, she tells us that she thinks we should have bought XY because she too bought YX.

Or in restaurant, once she pays, the next time we are paying she would order 3 times the ammount she can eat, so that she can bring it home, saying not to waste. She clearly has something going on with her, but doesn't matter how we tell her, she thinks that we are attacking her or that we are making up stories of what she did or does. We can't really speak with her...

Relevant Comments

Breaker_Of_Chains18: Why do you care so much? I’m not quite sure why her hiding food would make you furious and wanting to leave. Pick your battles.

OOP: It's not JUST because of the cake, but with the things she does all the time. She's just draining me and my fiancèe even more. Not a single nice thing leaves her mouth, but if you go to her house all you see is happy and peaceful quotes put ip everywhere, she always sends us shitty peace quotes, and recites from books of Dalai Lama and those gurus, yet it's like she's always in battle with everyone. When anybody says something even tiny bit of bad about her, she attacks full force. She thinks she's perfect. On the other hand she deals out legit insults to us without hesitations.

Grimsterr: She needs to see a professional about this, there's something going on there beyond the typical MIL drama. Be gentle with her on this one, I'm usually quick on the give'em hell camp but this smells of mental health issues and shaming or making her feel bad will only worsen it, not help.

OOP: It is very hard for us to be gentle with her because she has no hesitations being rough with us. We tryed talking with her in the past, but the moment we go into this topic in our calmest manner, she starts acting like we just hurt her, she starts crying and tells to her daughter "how dare you speak to me like this, I am your mother! I raised you! You should be more grateful!" And so on. She walks away and doesn't wanna hear about it. She is 100% convinced she's fine, and we are the ones having a problem with her.

: July 6, 2024

I posted a story yesterday about my MIL hiding our, and her cake too from us, you can/have been reading about it.

I got a lot of responses so I'll debunk this for you guys.

1. General update: pretty much the whole yesterday went by awkwardly because my MIL had an attitude. Anything she did, she was just slamming everything together, making a terrible loud noise, not talking to us, only giving passive-agressive comments. At the evening we called her to the table and very calmly we apologised, and we tried telling her that she mihht need to see some professional (not the first time we tell her this). But again, she stood up and told us to leave her alone. Today we woke up and she's acting like nothing happened yesterday.

2. Eating disorder: A lot of you suggested that she has an eating disorder. Okay, at this point I can accept that fact, but that's not the only problem she has. I clearly wouldn t make such a fuss about a cake if there is no other reason to be upset, and the reason I'm upset because she always has some drama going on in her life and she's always draining us with it.

3. Why we don't go elsewhere: When we talked about moving somewhere, we never even thought about moving to her. We wanted to move in my college's apartment that he rents, but without even mentioning anything, my MIL said that we should move to her. After we moved in, the first day she mentioned that she offered us her house because she feared we would move to her ex husband's house aka my FIL. This is idiotic, because my father lives ludacrisly far away from us. Anyways, the reason we settled with my MIL's house because at the end, my Fiancèe said it would be a nice opportunity to reconnect with her mother after all these years of seeing each other only 2-3 days every 9 or so months, and that we could spare some money that we would give on the rent. (Needless to say we are not really connecting, and at this point I would rather picked to spend some extra money).

4. History: my fiancèe told me about her growing up, and she told me that her mother was always like this, plus even worse. She mentally abused my fiancèe and totally destroyed her self-esteem. With a mother that doesn't find anything good, it was impossible to impress her, or to feel like she had done enough. She always walked on eggshells around her, because you wouldn't know when she would explode. My MIL pushed everyone away from her life. My fiancèe goes to psychologist even to this day because of that, and in the past had similar traits (luckily it she healed some, and it does not affect our relationship as much).

5)Talking with my MIL: we tried to talk to her in the past, but she think that we are attacking her, or that we are against her, and she goes full defensive. She starts crying and shouting. She is 100% sure she has no problems, and we are just making up lies about her, and all that "How dare you, I raised you, you have no right to tell these things to me" stuff. Once in the past my FIL called a professional to their home that tryed to talk to her. After 3 sessions the psychiatrist said that she is a person that would never heal, because she is incapable of accepting her faults. He couldn't diagnose her problems because she has more then one, but he said that my MIL is otherwise sane, just very damaged. This was 15 years ago. Maybe today's psychology is more developed and would manage to help her, but until she accepts that she needs help, nothing we can do.

Relevant Comments

blueberryyogurtcup: until she accepts that she needs help, nothing we can do.

Exactly. Nothing you can do to fix the relationship. It's her responsibility to handle her issues, and when they refuse to accept they have any issues, or did any wrong, nothing's going to change in the relationship, from their side. My MILFH tried to blame me for the broken relationship, that she broke with her abuses, lies, and crimes.

So, the two of you make the changes in your contact with her, and in your responses to her. You learn to prioritize protecting yourselves, not trying to work things out with her. And you lessen all contact with her, so that she can't damage you both even more. That's healthy and reasonable. It's sad, but that's what she's left you, the need to protect yourselves from her drama and abuses.

Honestly, I'd start quietly packing up your stuff. Maybe a friend would store it for you until you move. The more you get out of her house, that she doesn't see, the less likely she will escalate and damage or destroy your stuff. There's also the chance she will kick you out, some MILFHs have done this when they realize they can't regain their control. Getting a go bag for each of you is important, so you don't lose your important papers or money.

OOP: You are right about kicking out. She threatened us that if we are attacking her, she will tell the landlord to send us off.... I think she is bluffing, she wouldn't do that, but it's still fucked up that she would even say something like this.

: July 12, 2024

As you may have read in my previous posts, we had a whole drama in the house since we moved in my MIL's house while our house is being renovated.

We had some good days since then, she seems to have calmed down a bit. We even went to a national park together. She was loving and all the whole time (I mean, she wasn't freaking out, just her ordinary complaining and negativity).

My fiancèe and I decided that we should stick together, and came up with a couple of plans how to deal with her mother. The first thing was that instead of asking direct questions about her Eating Disorder, we just circle around the topic until she spills what's going on. And it worked. We asked about when she eats, what she eats etc. She told us that she eats throughout the day normally and in normal quantities, but when she feels like there is no food in the house (her "no food in the house" is ours "still 2 weeks worth of food in the house"), she gets angry/anxious and she just has to buy food and store food everywhere.

ALSO: I have to admit that the majority of you in the comments were right about her hiding food because of her ED, because she said that she just can't fall asleep knowing that she didn't eat before. And during the night sometimes she wakes up and has to eat some to calm herself. My fiancèe said it has something to do with her childhood, because my MIL comes from a very poor family. She told us stories that as kids, they were forced to go down with her friends to the local lake and catch crawfish, frogs and a type of fish I don't know the name of, but they call it a fisherman's nightmare because it swallows the hook immediately and you have to take apart the fish to extract the hook, plus it's flesh tastes disgusting, exactly because it eats anything,so yeah, back to the topic, they had to eat all of this to survive. After she grew up, she sworn to never eat fish again in her life (she kept that promise). We kinda link her eating disorder with the fact that she had no food in her childhood, and she feels scared when there's lack of it.

The second measure we took was whenever she started complaining or was angry at something, we ignored her, like a bad child, and it seems to work. She throws her hissy fit, she gets no reaction, and she goes on like nothing happened. It is not a permanent solution though, because of course she annoys the heck out of us. This has nothing to do with her ED, this is just her being an AH. Like while I was driving them to the national park, my MIL asked at least 5 times if I want her to drive (on a 2 hour road). You would think that she's being kind, but no, she tries to be in control, because she makes comments every 10 minutes about how I didn't shift well, or that I should do this or that. I INSISTED that we drive our car, because if we go with her in her car, we are afraid for our lives, she just doesn't look anywhere exept straight, and she doesn't care for the car either, she just slams in every hole on the road, drives on a curb at 30mph, it is a nightmare! She already had a couple of accidents. She got the fine because police investigated and she was in fault, but of course she spent hours convincing us that she did nothing wrong, and the police are stupid.

And one more annoying thing she did. We told her that we are going to cook for her her favourite meal(our hobby is cooking, throughout the years we learned hundreds of recipes). She already tried it once when she visited us but couldn't remember, let me tell you she LOVED it! Long behold, when we finished cooking, she arrived home with a bag, in it the same meal we prepared, only from the local restaurant. We asked why did she buy that, she said just in case ours tastes bad.... just imagine if I was a woman, and my MIL does this to my cooking 😅😀

Anyways about the moving, we decided to bite our tongues, and stay here 2 more weeks. I called the guys from the renovation company, I told them MIL Alert, and they said that although it would take up to 4 weeks to finish everything, he will make sure that in two weeks they finish the majority of inside jobs so we can move back, and will do the outside things while we are already in it. I told my fiancèe that with the money we now spared from not paying on rent, we will go on a little vacation in August (it has been 3 years since we didn't go anywhere, we were saving up for the renovation). She absolutely liked the idea.

Thank you for those who read this, and for this subreddit where I can rant. This is what this channel was made for. And thank you for the advices!

Relevant Comments

OOP on the game plan he did with his fiancée on her mother to find the root cause!

OOP: Thank you for the suggestion!

I really don't want it to seem that I hate my MIL, I just have a really bad time with her. But understanding that she may not have anything personal with her comments, and making fun of it helps to cooperate 😀

Thank you very much! I would just correct that I'm a male, and my fiancèe is a female. 😁 I feel very fortunate that my partner actually realizes the problems her mother has, and that she's on my side. I know and heard many stories where the partner lives in the same illusion their parents live in, and stand on their parent's side. We love my MIL and we'll try to make this work.

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