I am not the OOP, the OOP is

TW: Forced Pregnancy, Depression

- AITA for avoiding my son when he wanted to spend time with me? - March 24th, 2022

I (40 F) love my son Avram (21) but I did not want to be a mom and was denied an abortion. I love him so much but I've never deserved him. I was a terrible mom. I know it was bad untreated depression but it doesn't excuse anything. His dad and stepmom took him when he was ten and they love him so much and made him the most amazing young man in the world and I'm so grateful.

After they took him I got therapy treatment and then spent time in inpatient for my drinking. Avram kept wanting to see me, his dad let me have weekends and I tried to make the best of it and be a good mom this time. He'd always tell me I didn't need to apologize cause I was sick and he loved living with me. Since he turned 18 he's spent more time with me and I know I don't deserve it and his stepmom does but I don't do anything cause it makes him happy.

This past Friday his stepmom was hosting a work dinner and wanted all her kids there but Avram wanted to spend Friday with me cause we always do that. She's more his mom than me so I knew he should be there for her. But he wouldn't listen and insisted on being with me so I pretended I wasn't home that day and ghosted him so he'd go and I saw he did on his girlfriend's IG story. But you can see who sees stories and she did and messaged me I was selfish for ghosting and I really upset him. She essentially called me an asshole without saying it. He hasn't messaged me much since then either.

I don't think I'm wrong, I'm trying to do what's best for him and that's showing gratitude to the woman who deserves his love. But I thought to try for judgement here.

Comments:

• OOP responding to a person who tells her how much she hurt her son : "I had no intention of hurting him."

• OOP on why she couldn't get an abortion : "Yes [abortions] should [accessible]. But at the time there was no way for me to get one. I was stuck in another country and surrounded by hyper religious people and by the time I got back to Canada it was too late outside of surgery and I couldn't do that."

• OOP on if her past does make her a bad person : "No it does make me a bad person. Good people don't do what I did to their sons. I know I never hit him but I was negligent and I yelled at him so much and blamed him for everything. I'm not a good person I'm a bad person who somehow got the greatest son in the world."

• OOP on her son's stepmother : "I want everything to do with him but under his stepmother's care he bloomed into an amazing person. That never would have happened under a mess like me. You're right that I hardly know her but I do know that she loves him."

: - UPDATE: AITA for avoiding my son when he wanted to spend time with me? - May 26th, 2022

After my post I realized how wrong I was and I called Avram (my son) and thankfully he picked up and came over. The first thing he did before I could even talk was give me such a big hug, it almost made me cry but I held back my tears. I talked to him about his stepmother's event and why I felt he should go and why I felt I didn't deserve him. I told him about the things that I did when he lived with me as a kid and why I felt I didn't deserve his forgiveness.

I guess what really shocked me was that Avram pointed out to me that he didn't see his time with me as bad and that he mostly had happy memories and all the bad times were just because I was sick and that wasn't my fault. And it's not things I forgot I guess just things that I never valued and I guess never really considered. Small things like how I'd take him shopping to Zellers on Sundays and always let him buy a toy. How I'd always get a special message printed on his birthday cakes. How I'd always let him sleep hugging me even though he was ten by the the time his dad took. How I'd miss work to stay with him if he got sick. The big thing he told me that made cry is when he was nine, kids bullied him when they found out we're ethnically Jewish and made him cry so bad he left school before the easter egg celebration so I organized an easter egg hunt just for him in the park. It wasn't just that, he told me so much more that I did that he valued that if I wrote it here I think I'd break the word limit.

It's so hard to hold on to the happy memories when I think about how terrible I was and how much I yelled at him or drank or smoked but if he can do it then I can do it for him. And I've been trying. I've let him take full control of our relationship and I think it's been for the best. I've been seeing him much more often and during mother's day, he and his girlfriend took me out to dinner and gave me so many boxes of chocolates. I've only been eating them when they come over so we can have them together. Even therapy has been going better since I did convince him to attend some sessions with me and I think he's understanding what I went through when I got pregnant but also how much respect I have for his stepmother. Plus, his girlfriend has started going to the gym with me!

I love my son so much. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He is everything that was ever good about me and thankfully he got nothing that is bad with me. Maybe in another world where I didn't end up so damaged, I like to think I would have turned out just like him. He makes me so proud and so happy, I will try and never hurt him again and never be so selfish again. So thank you to everyone who convinced me to apologize and to all the other mothers out there, please hug your sons tonight if you can no matter how old they are.

Comments:

• OOP on forgiveness : "Thank you, I guess it is because I feel I don't deserve to be forgiven but if my son can do it then so can I. I did beat my addiction for him so I know I can do this."

- I wish that I got to live my son's life - July 10th, 2024 (Two years later)

I don't know if this is the right place to post but I've read a few posts and I think it is. I love my son with all my heart, he's a perfect boy and a wonderful young man. He's 23 now and he's graduated and already got a great job as an accountant and he went for that career because it's mine. In September he's going to be married to his fiancée. This mother's day, they both honoured me and it was such a wonderful night at my home but ever since then I've had these thoughts in my mind that I can't get out. I'm 42 years old now and I feel like my entire life has just been wasted but that my son is living the best possible version of it.

When I got pregnant with my son, I was in a foreign country and I was swept up in some stupid religious craze with a bunch of other teenagers and I was pretty much blocked from getting an abortion while I could. At that time, I did not want kids and thought I'd never want them. My life became hell after I had him, I was depressed, I drank, I smoke, I did drugs a few times and I would spend hours on hours in the gym because I was stupid and thought that I could get my body back and even in the bar because I wanted to be flirted with like before. I had to give up custody to his father and go get inpatient treatment for my drinking and I've been ten years sober now.

Even though I did all of that horrible stupid stuff my son still loves me so much that it doesn't make sense. When I ask him why he brings up all these good things that I can only dimly even remember. And it makes me feel so fucking guilty because if I could go back in time and get an abortion and never have him I would do it in a heartbeat. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and I would do that.

And since mother's day, I've been thinking. I never got to have the whole college experience like he did because I had him. I never got to fall in love with somebody who could sweep me off my feet and I could live out a fairytale romance with because I had him. I never got to have the stable and steady career where I eventually run my own business because of my mental health issues. I never got to decide if I actually did want to have kids or if it was just some teenage fear because I already had one.

But he has gotten to do all of that, he's had a great time in university and graduated with distinction, he's been such a good young man because he did sweep his fiancée off her feet and they've told me to expect to be a grandmother soon. I have no friends, I spend my time either at work or at home or at gym and he's my only real family left and the only one who loves me so I shouldn't feel like this. It feels so good to hug him and he makes me feel so happy and proud but the moment he's gone back to his father's I feel sick and I honestly regret having him because wish I could have gotten to live his life because I feel like it should have been my life. I've told my psychiatrist this during the last session that we had and we had a good talk but I can't remember it now and I don't know why it gets so hard to remember things nowadays. Does any of this make sense? Am I wrong for feeling like this?

Comments:

A big comment by OOP expanding her viewpoint :

"I wasn't in a cult. My family was religious and it was a bunch of us teenagers and it was easy for us to be manipulated by traditionalists. I don't know what we were thinking getting all swept up in all their promises about our futures. I still got to go to school and get my degree and a job and date and everything but none of it was like how I'd dreamed it would have been because I had my son.

And the time after I gave up custody of my son, I spent the first part in inpatient rehab for my alcoholism and the rest of it is so hard to remember. I can remember a lot of specific things but nothing general. I know that's weird but I don't know why I couldn't do anything I dreamed about then. I just don't really remember that time that well.

And I know you say 42 is young but it's not, I am old now. I can't go in the gym like I used to anymore, guys barely flirt with me anymore, I never get asked out and my career's progression has stalled. People ten years younger than me are higher up than me now. I mean hell, if my son's going to have a baby after he gets married then I'll be a grandmother soon. What's more old than that?"

• OOP on having a grandchild : "I can't take full credit for how my son turned out. I really didn't play much part in raising him after I gave up custody, I wasn't fit to do it anymore. Maybe if I had been, if I could really take credit for that then maybe I wouldn't be thinking these things. I'm so lucky he loves me and is so perfect. I will do my best to be the best grandma possible, as long as I'm not called grandma and not zayde I'll have nothing to complain about it, I'll spoil my grandchild like my grandma used to spoil me."

• OOP on all the people trying to cheer her up : "Thank you. I appreciate everyone here trying to cheer me up but it's like they're not getting it. I love my son and I love that he's living such a good life, I would give anything to make sure it always is this good for him. But I hate that it wasn't like that for me."

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Added paragraph breaks for readability. Thanks to for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. The latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warnings: abuse; child abuse

Mood Spoiler: OOP gets away!

Original : July 6, 2024

My boyfriend and I have been together since 2022. The night after our first date he got angry because his TV froze and threw the remote, slammed his bedroom door, shut off the lights, and told me he was going to bed so I should too. I should have left then, but I didn’t.

He’s continued having outburst like this when angry or frustrated for the past 2 years. He would calm down and apologize, and tell me he would do better and I didn’t deserve that, and I would tell him it’s ok. Summer of 2023 he quit his job, and shortly after we found out I was pregnant. I work as a waitress, so we were forced to move in with his family. He told me it would be temporary, but didn’t even start looking for or get a new job until that winter.

The entire time he expected me to have saved up all the money we needed to move, while also getting ready for our baby. We were finally kicked out of his parents home due to his mood swings, which caused them to fight frequently. Our baby got here in spring of 2024, and two weeks later he quit his job, again. I have now been expected to pay all the bills, while also walking on eggshells to avoid his anger. The outbursts have ramped up since the arrival of my son, and he has been throwing things when angry, which usually results in my things getting broken.

Last week he threw an insulated water bottle that almost hit the swing my son has just been taken out of. I’ve hit my limit. He will not change. It’s been 3 months and he will not find a job. I’m tired of being scared in my own home. I’m tired of not being able to leave the house without him. Im waiting until he has a job so I can leave while he’s at work.

I’m moving back to my home town, and getting a job there. I’m breaking my lease on the grounds of domestic violence. Until then I have to act like everything is normal, while I gather resources and evidence. It is so hard to pretend. And it is so hard to leave. I feel guilty, because I know he can tell I’m at a breaking point. He’s selling his car that does not run, for scrap so we can find a way to pay bills this month. He’ll be stuck without a vehicle when I leave. I’m trying not to let that keep me here. I have to think about my baby and his safety. I have to keep it together until I can get out.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Waiting for him to get a job is risky, your kid could be in kindergarten by then. Look for other opportunities.

OOP: He has an interview on Monday that I am praying and hoping pans out. He’s also sick right now so I might actually be able to leave the house without him tomorrow and let me dad know what’s going on, which could help speed things along as well

Commenter: See my original comment, I know what you’re dealing with. Do not wait for the “right time” there won’t be one. It will drag on for years. Believe me. Tell your dad. Tell someone who will hold you accountable. Don’t keep it to yourself like I did for so long.

OOP: I’ve told anyone I can trust to keep it from him, and that will help me. At this point they’re all on standby waiting for me to tell them it’s time

Commenter: Please just go the next time he's out of the house for a few hours. You're not safe. Your baby is not safe. The safety of the two of you is more important than your stuff.

OOP: He’s never out of the house. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t go anywhere. I can’t even go anywhere besides work without him. He’s just always there

Update 1 (Same Post): July 7, 2024 (Next Day)

Small update: I was able to leave the house without him this morning (I’ve never been so happy to hear someone getting sick all night before), and went and saw my dad. My dad is ready to help me leave at a moment’s notice, and has advised me to document everything I do for the baby to help with custody, because my bf doesn’t help much with the baby either. I am nursing at the moment, so thankfully he won’t be able to have him but a few hours every other weekend anyways, and never over night. He’s also going to help me find somewhere to work in my hometown, and I may be able to stay with him if I can’t find a place of my own when I’m ready to go.

Update 1: July 9, 2024 (2 days later, 3 from OG)

I’m not exactly sure how updating posts on Reddit usually works, so forgive me if this is weird/ not the norm.

In the past 3 days, I have been able to inform everyone who needs to know of my plans. This includes my job and my leasing office. Because I’m moving back to my hometown I’m having to find work there, but thankfully my managers are very understanding and supportive of what’s going on. They first and foremost want me to be safe.

My leasing office is helping me find a way to discretely remove myself from the lease so I can get out. I have begun recording everything, either on my phone or in writing. My mom is helping me with plans to get an attorney for custody. My dad and stepsister are helping me slowly move things out of my current apartment, as my stepsister live in the same town I do and can take things from me and bring them to my dad to store until I leave. I’ve started applying for jobs in my hometown as well as housing.

I saw the comments warning me not to wait until he has a job and you’re right, but I do plan on waiting until I have a job to secure a future for my baby and myself. Thank you to everyone for the well wishes, miraculously since I’ve decided to leave he’s decided to act like the model father/boyfriend, but it’s only been 4 days and I can tell that’s waning. I will keep you all updated as things progress. Wish me luck

Update 2: July 11, 2024 (2 days later, 5 from OG post)

The update you’ve all been waiting for

I am gone

Yesterday morning, a lot happened. He called his 5 year old a dumbass (I told him mom as soon as I could, and she has him now). And I had to take my baby to the ER because his dad got him sick and it’s turned into pneumonia.

While at the hospital I was stressed and admittedly was a bit snippy with him, but the way he responded by saying, “well fine I just won’t talk to you today. I’m done.” set something off in my head. I was done. This was my last straw, I needed to get out. That day.

So I messaged my family. I had a small, 20 minute window of time where he was leaving the house, and I was going to take it. All day I was patient. I slowly got our things together, covertly putting all mine and the baby’s most worn clothes in a laundry basket under the guise of doing laundry later. And as soon as he was gone, I was out the door. I left a note explaining why I left, and laying out my plans for custody and getting the rest of my things. He tried to get a hold of me the whole hour drive to my family’s. I did not answer, and probably will not for a while.

I am safe. My baby is safe. Things are going to be ok.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Oh thank goodness! I am so freaking proud of you! You are an incredibly strong woman and wonderful mother. 

I don't know where you live, but where I live character witnesses help in custody cases. Can you get the other mom of his older kid to write a statement "against" him? His family? They literally kicked you out because of his violence. I would be so scared to EVER let your son be alone with him. If the judge is insistent on giving him some form of custody, I suggest you ask for supervised visitation. 

I wish you and your son the very best of luck!

OOP: Due to me nursing my son, he will never get him for more than a few hours at a time and never over night. I will be asking for people to provide character witness statements, though

OOP responds to someone who missed the first post and provides more details:

Please go read my first post where I explain why I am leaving. He is violent. He has taken doors out of their frames while angry, punched holes in the walls. He regularly throws things across rooms without looking where they are headed. He almost hurt my 3 month old baby doing this. This is not the only post I’ve made. And you’d like to know what was said? We were talking about how my baby needed antibiotics and the conversation went like this: Him: and we don’t even know how much it’ll be- Me: because he doesn’t have insurance, I know.

This is obviously an update. It says so in the title. I feel like perhaps you missed it, and that’s why you gave such a rude response. You had no idea that I’ve posted before about how this man has been violent, about how he verbally, financially, and emotionally abused me. You seemed very quick to anger and judge in this response, I hope this can be a teaching moment for you.

All the facts that I am willing to share, with strangers on the internet, have been laid out. Maybe some context is missing. Maybe small details have been changed to protect my identity. But that does not give you the right to ignore the fact that this is not a first, not a second, but a third post in a series of posts. I just had to do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and you feel it is an appropriate time to accuse me of kidnapping my own child, who I have custody of to begin with as his unmarried mother.

And my baby isn’t sick with pneumonia because of another child, he’s sick because his father was sick and wouldn’t listen when I told him to leave him alone for a little while until he was better. So now my 3 MONTH OLD, has fluid on his lungs. I’m sorry if I seem rude or upset in this response, I am just confused by the lack of reading comprehension

I am not The OOP, OOP is

The husband made a post:

AITA forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband while I work full-time to support the family

Originally posted to

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to for finding the update

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, emotional abuse

  June 18, 2024

Long story short, my husband (37M) used to work to support the family while I (36F) stayed home taking care of our 2 y o daughter. Last month, he lost his job and told me he felt exhausted and wasn't eager to do anything. I said okay and offered to work so he could look after our daughter at home and get some rest until he feels better. By the way, our daughter goes to daycare, so it's mainly some housework and picking her up. But he said no, he needs his time to be completely free. I got furious because this means either I work while also taking care of our daughter, or our family will face significant financial pressure.

But I stepped back anyway and had a hell of a month doing everything while he hung out with his friends and played PS5. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told him he had to choose between being a househusband or divorce. He chose the first, but it felt forced.

I keep questioning myself: was I too harsh? Any good advice would be appreciated.

Update: I never thought this would draw so much attention. I'm trying to read as many comments as I can and I really appreciate your opinions, especially those pointing out things I should have told him and I didn't. I've decided to show him the post after work and see if we can have a real talk based on that. Again, thank you all.

TL;TR: I told my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband, AITA?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ahkian

NTA giving him the month was super generous

OOP

He was the one who supported the family before, I thought I'd give him time to recover. I was wrong.

~

FairlyFartDaydreams

NTA but once you have a job and health insurance insist he get therapy. It might be burnout or depression but he needs to seek help you can't enable him to sink into it

OOP

Thank you, I didn't think of that, but he seemed really happy playing with his friend. Is it normal?

FairlyFartDaydreams

Yes when I get depressed I can still read but I don't really want to do anything else. Video games, binge watching shows, reading, food can all give us a dopamine hit that may make us feel "normal". It is important to call out the behavior and make sure he is attempting to get better. PArt of it might be the ego hit from getting let go from his job. The important thing is to not let it go untreated/unremarked too long. Tell him adulting sucks but we all have to do it

  June 22, 2024

I decided to make a new post so it won't be too long to read. The previous post link is here below:

So, I got off work, picked up my daughter, and showed my husband the post after she fell asleep. I told him that millions had seen it and made various points. I admitted that my ultimatum was an impulsive reaction and that I preferred having a calm discussion to work through this. He said he was surprised I shared family matters on Reddit and that he wouldn't have done it. He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off. I kind of understood because we used to travel a lot before our daughter was born, and life has been harder since then. I told him I wouldn't force him to work and that he could take his time as long as he could pick up our daughter and do the housework. He hesitated but told me not to worry.

I thought this was the end of it. Then, the next day, I came home from work to find his mother there. I was shocked because he hadn't told me anything. She started picking up our daughter and doing the housework. This is driving me crazy because I have never gotten along with her well, and my husband knows this. I feel like he asked her to come so he could continue being childish, disregarding how I feel.

His mother raised him as a single mom, and according to my husband, she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life. He felt suffocated, so he went to a university far from home and reduced contact with her. I remember one time she came and got sick, vomited, and I cleaned up her mess. Suddenly, she asked her son to come and told him that her underwear was dirty and needed to be washed by hand that very night, even though we had a washing machine.

My husband and I had agreed that our marriage was ours and that she wouldn't come and live with us. He broke his promise.

I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while, but these days of living with her are already driving me crazy, and I don't see a quick end. I've thought about being an AH and forcing her to leave, but that might lead to divorce.

I really need some advice. Thank you all.

TL;DR:I (36F) showed my husband (37M) the last post, and we had a talk. Then, without asking me, he invited my mother-in-law to come, even though he knows I’ve never gotten along well with her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Glittering-Bat353

So... you tell him he needs to pull his weight as an adult, and his answer is to literally call his mommy to do the work for him?! If he wants to be a child so badly, you really need to pack him up and send him back home with his mommy so she can baby him the way you will (and should) not.

Not to mention that you're the breadwinner and can't stand this woman. Put your foot down and get both out of the house.

You gave him an ultimatum. He woefully failed it. Now, you need to follow through with the other half of it and bring out the consequences.

OOP

I know this could be the final solution. Thank you.

~

Open-Incident-3601

And if you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.

OOP

I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.

~

HappyPayment1

What can you tell us about his mom? Doesn't she understand what your going through given that she's a single mother, and why don't you get along with ? Any personal reason? 

OOP

He and I have knew  her mother would do anything to be with him, and he have chosen to go for it. This sucks. I don't want to fight with my MIL constantly for having my husband.

THE HUSBAND'S POST

The husband is

  June 29, 2024

I found out my wife posted about our situation on Reddit, so I thought I should share my side too. I lost my job in May and wanted some free time because life after having a baby feels suffocating. I've always been a free spirit, working and traveling, and then I met my wife, J. This lifestyle continued, and we traveled a lot, from Tibet to Antarctica. I was a seller, and she had a great business selling replica bags, making enough for us to enjoy our lives. We hit it off, got married, and had a great time together. We even considered being child-free and consulted an older couple on an Antarctic cruise, whose happiness convinced me this could be our future.

The thing is, my mom really wanted a grandchild. At the time, I didn't think much of it and felt it wasn't a big deal, so I discussed it with my wife, and we decided to go ahead. Her pregnancy was tough; she had severe morning sickness, and I felt really sorry for her. After the baby was born, she wanted to focus on the baby, and I agreed to hold the family burden alone. Life then became all about work, with no more traveling or other interesting stuff. So last month, I had enough. No more working, no more baby duties, and we agreed to give me a trial break. The past month was quite healing until one day she got mad and suddenly gave me an ultimatum of divorce.

I didn't want a divorce, so I started doing housework, which I wasn't prepared for. Then last week, my wife came home and asked me to talk, showing me her post about us in this sub. She said millions of people had read it and called me an immature AH. I was pretty upset and asked my mother to help with the housework so my wife would be relieved and, to be honest, to call her bluff. She's not happy, of course, and neither am I. We've barely talked since then, kind of a cold fight. These days, I've caught her several times watching her phone for a long time and sometimes crying. I believe she posted about us again, and I've been waiting for her to talk even though I wanted to start the conversation but got cold feet feeling the tension in the family. Writing this is easier.

So here I am, Reddit. This is my first and last post about it. I just want to share my side of the story. And J, if you see this, I'm ready to talk anytime.

  June 29, 2024

Before I start, his link is here:

My previous links are here:

I've been hesitating because we had a great time, and I have been loving you;

I didn't talk to you these days because I wanted to see if you would send your mother home and talk.

I update now because, as you said in the post, I see you and want everyone, especially those who told me you might have been depressed, to see you.

I can't believe you'd rather defend yourself on Reddit than talk to me face to face. If that's how it is, let's do this.

NEW UPDATE

  July 11, 2024

After my last post, I was in a weird state. I felt trapped in a limbo where talking to my husband seemed futile, but the thought of divorce felt like an invisible hand was squeezing my throat, making me hard to breathe.

I decided to make an appointment with my psychologist, who has known my childhood and understands my background, including my adoption and family dynamics. Yes, I am adopted. Although my adoptive parents treated me very well, I generally don't like to talk about it. Before I had my child , I specifically consulted the psychologist because I was afraid that my unresolved issues might unconsciously affect my daughter. So, during our conversation, she pointed out that the child in me desperately longs for my biological parents, while the love from my adoptive parents makes me reject this idea. As a result, I am obsessed with maintaining the ideal biological family that I never had. This insight resonated deeply, making me realize why I had delayed taking decisive action for so long.

After our session, I felt a strong urge to speak with an attorney about divorce. I wanted to prioritize my daughter's future over my illusory family unity. I gave the attorney all the necessary information and expressed my desire for a quick resolution. She informed me that the process could be completed in as little as a week if my husband agreed to cooperate, although it might take longer otherwise. She recommended that I discuss the matter with him to facilitate the process. So I have been planning in my mind to choose a day to confront him.

During this period of hesitation, I came home one day to find that my mother-in-law had left. My husband had prepared dinner and apologized for his behavior. He admitted to being childish and expressed deep regret for his actions, acknowledging the negative feedback he received on Reddit. Realizing that so many people found his behavior unacceptable, he understood that he had been in the wrong.

I reiterated that divorce might be the best option as I couldn't see a way forward together. In response, he handed me a letter taking full responsibility for the problems in our marriage and admitting his mistakes. He asked for one final chance to prove himself as a good husband and father, promising that if he failed, I could use the letter to proceed with the divorce at any time.

After much hesitation, I agreed to give him this last chance and informed my attorney to hold off on the divorce proceedings for now. Although my attorney mentioned that the letter had no legal standing, she assured me she could handle the situation with or without it.

For now, I'm cautiously optimistic, willing to see if my husband's efforts will lead to genuine change. If things don't improve, I'm prepared to take further steps to ensure my daughter grows up in a healthy and loving environment. I believe the decision is in my hands, and I am now determined to do what's best for my family.

I want to thank everyone for their comments; they helped me see many options. I especially appreciate those who shared their life experiences, providing me with the strength to take action. By the way, I'm back to my bag business. If anyone has any issues or needs help with identification, feel free to DM me. I'll do my best to help, as I feel I owe Reddit for this.

I hope this will be my last update.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 17th July 2024

- 17th July 2024

AITA for refusing to switch to an all-women gym?

Hi Reddit!

I (25F) have been dating Ben (27M) for 3 months. Recently, Ben started expressing discomfort with me going to my regular co-ed gym. He says that it's normal for women with boyfriends to go to all-women gyms to avoid attention from other men and to make their partners feel more secure and that his ex-girlfriend swapped gyms when they started dating.

I've been going to this gym for about a year, and I have a great routine, a supportive group of workout buddies, and I feel comfortable there. The idea of switching gyms just to make my boyfriend feel better doesn’t sit right with me. I believe trust and respect are crucial in a relationship, and this feels like a lack of trust on his part.

I tried explaining my perspective to him, but he insists that his request is reasonable and that I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings.

Since we can't agree, we've come to Reddit for opinions as we don't want to involve our families and friends. So, Reddit, AITA for refusing to switch to an all-women gym to make my boyfriend more comfortable?

Comments

andhakaran

Does he also expect you to work in an all women profession? You must also, very soon, be expected to wear modest clothes since any show of skin attracts unwanted male gaze. So much care, it must be suffocating.

Ok-Seaworthiness2235

I've legitimately had men express insecurities over me working with an all male crew. WTF. It's like they think porn is real and when a woman walks onto a jobsite it's instant gangbang

ArmenApricot

I’ve set foot in all women gyms like 3x ever in my life and they almost universally suck. Sure “gym bros” are occasionally a bit irritating too, however places like Anytime Fitness or similar I’ve never once had anyone bother me while lifting or running. The handful of times I was in a women’s gym though? You could have cut the overall hostility and judgement with a knife

Good_Focus2665

If it was normal for women to switch to all women’s gym when they are in a relationship, there would be a heck of a lot more all women’s gyms around especially in the suburbs. Like my county doesn’t even have one and it’s as suburbia as it can get. NTA. Your bf sounds like a controlling moron. You can do better.

**Judgement - Red Flags Ahoy**

Update - a few hours later

UPDATE: There are so many comments now I can't possibly reply to them all! I wasn't expecting to get this many replies! Just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and let you know after reading and discussing the comments we have decided it's best to end things. I feel the relationship won't be healthy and he thinks he needs to work on himself before being in a relationship. I was pleasantly surprised by his ability to take the criticism on board and hope this helps him become a better partner to someone in the future. I will be spending a lot more time in the gym now!!

Comments

UFC-lovingmom

A happy ending! Well, maybe not happy but a very healthy ending! Good luck to you both.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

(e621.net is essentially a porn site that primarily caters to furries, but isn't limited to them)

Some users are confused at the seeming hypocrisy of the ban:

(cubs referring to very young furry characters)

Others think it's time to jump ship:

And other such miscellaneous grieving:

Well, mostly:

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for getting an abortion because my fiancé cheated on me?

Trigger Warnings: misogyny, harassment

: June 16, 2024

I don't know how to start this. My fiance told me that he cheated on me for over a year now, and we've been together for 7 years total.

He says he doesn't want to be together anymore, which broke my heart, and still did since we were high school sweethearts. His girlfriend was with him when he told me this, which made me even more upset since he didn't have the decency to tell me one on one. He let his girlfriend into our home, the one we bought together

Anyway, I wanted to tell him that I was pregnant on his birthday. Since his birthday is really close. He always wanted a family, a big family with at least 5 kids. I didn't want kids that much, but I didn't mind them either.

The moment he told me we were over, I knew I didn't want that baby. I didn't want to co parent or be a single mom, any of that. I have a good paying job, and that might make me selfish for not wanting the baby, but I don't care.

I told him I was pregnant when he told me it was over. And he looked a little upset, like he regretted it or something. He told me was fine with split custody, and I didn't say anything.

A few days later I got an abortion, I thought it was necessary to tell him and not lead him on, since I didn't want to see or talk to him ever again.

He called me when I sent the text, saying "why the fuck would you do that??" And so on. He said I knew damn well he wanted kids, and I should've told him before even thinking about it.

I feel selfish for doing what I did. But I feel like giving birth and overall having that kid would make me unhappy. I barely like kids and the thought of having one with the man who broke my heart is not helping.

I know this might be a stupid thing to post, but I feel like a jerk. He's the only one to know about the abortion but not the pregnancy.

— Hi everyone, it's around 6 hours later. And feel free to comment and respond to my comments and other replies. But I won't be updating or replying for a while.

I just need to tell someone who is someone I know. But thank you to each and everyone of you sweethearts giving me advice and more.

I know that responding to the anti abortion and "your a killer" comments are not helpful to me right now.

I will be back, and I will respond, and I will give you guys who are interested, an update soon enough.

I just need to take a break and not reply to the people trying to make me feel shame, remorse, guilt and all the above for my abortion.

I feel like shit right now, so if anyone's able to message me on the next few hours, with some recourses or anything, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I will update you guys as soon as I can, and again, feel free to leave comments.

And also, I absolutely did not get an abortion out of spite, revenge or to punish him for what he did. I didn't think about the abortion the moment he sat me down.

I don't blame the baby, even if anti abortion's disagree with that.

And I guess I do want some validation from at least strangers. Because I feel like I can talk to anyone. I feel horrible. So if I overacted at your comment, and whatnot, your right I guess.

I know this is a stupid post, but I thought I needed to consider his feelings and not just my own. Thanks, again

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs and a few YTAs.

OOP responds to multiple questions regarding doing something to get back at her ex

OOP: Hi, I just woke up. I didn't take revenge on him, I loved him and I made so many sacrifices for him, and I guess I thought he made sacrifices for me as well, and maybe he did, I don't know.

I didn't have an abortion to get back it him because I hate kids and he should be punished or something. I did it because I didn't want to ruin that kids life and mine. I would not love that baby and as controversial as it sounds I would probably do some things that I wouldn't be proud of if I had them.

I would probably give them trauma because I don't understand kids or adore them. I get it your one of those people who do not like abortion but I wouldn't do that just because.

You have to understand that I was so in for that relationship and he threw it away. I still don't even know how to feel about anything regarding it so far. I haven't even talked to my fiance's family, him or his girlfriend.

No one but him and maybe his girlfriend knows about it.

I don't hate kids, but I was willing to have them for him. I know that might make me sound like a huge jerk and other things but please understand.

And lastly I'm not that immature. I'm not that childish that I would get an abortion just because. I don't hate kids, like I said. I don't even take revenge, so saying that is weird.

I did not get an abortion just to get more drama. Please at least ask me or whatever you are doing because I didn't even want the abortion but neither the kid.

I never announced having my abortion to anyone, u sent him a text, privately.

I'm really sorry if I didn't word my texts right because I think you said your not understanding.

He was my fiance and we known each other for over 7 years, I didn't even think about hurting him when I did the abortion. I was thinking about the me and the baby, even though that might not sound like it.

I never intended to end it the moment he told me it was over. I don't know if you have read my text or my replies, but it was ever about hurting him or his feelings.

You don't even know how he feels, so I'm not even sure what you mean. Who could be pissed or sad or whatever.

I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel worse. But I thought it was necessary to tell him. I'm thinking and know I see there are things I should have and should not have said. But I didn't think about ending it. I don't like abortion very much. I'm not anti abortion but I never wanted kids on the first place.

I felt like dirt when he told me this. And I know that it seems like I wanted my evil revenge plot, but I didn't. I don't plan to talk to him more either unless absolutely necessary.

: July 11, 2024

— Hello, it has been around 25 days, almost a month that I have not been active.

A lot has happened, so I will be telling you guys it. And yes, I have read all messages, I have not responded to most but I have read all as of now.

So firstly I will answer some questions.

Number 0, I want to state that I suppose the title of my post and how I worded things in my post made me want to do all this out of revenge, spite, and pettiness. Which sucks because I think many have a negative view of me.

Number 1, I have not been engaged to my ex for 7 years, I said we have been together 7 years total. But some have saw this story in Tiktoc so I believe the story has changed on there.

Number 2, I do not live in the United States of America or in America. I will not tell where I live but I will say English is not my true language.

Number 3, I think it is obvious that I would not kill the child after giving birth or if my ex had passed away. Even in scenario number two I do not think I would have even know if he cheated or not. I would not have killed the baby after the baby was born, that is official murder by law and I would be in jail. I would also not like to kill someone right in front of my eyes, so no.

Number 4, I want to apologize to the people I was arguing with. It was very embarrassing on my part.

Number 5, I said this in the comments, but I do not think everyone saw it. I do not want to go through child birth, I know it is a blessing to many to experience or witness it but that is something I wish not to go through.

And I have heard the adoption or foster care process is a horrible experience for the child, and there may be a small chance to get into a family that cares for a child.

Number 7, another thing I did not say in question 5, is that my grandmother passed in child birth and my aunt passed in child birth, also my mother was very close to passing but I am sure she has a C - section? I'm not fully sure. And my mom was paralyzed in her legs after, something of the sort.

Number 8, Yes, I have good financial support. I have a very well paying job. My fiance was unemployed for a while, I of course did not mind.

Number 9, my ex said I could either keep the house to myself or sell it and split the money. His girlfriend told me they had sex onto my bed and basically acted like husband and wife while I was not home. So I sold the house.

Number 10, my therapist told me she thinks I may have borderline personality and obsessive compulsive disorder. So I guess I will be getting tested or what ever the word is.

So now all the questions you may have are finished, I will explain what happened after.

I told my mother and father, then my siblings. They told me they were disgusted by what I did and I humiliated them, so they disowned me. My two eldest (both sisters) out of my 5 siblings only decided to stay in contact with me. The rest of my family with no or low contact with me.

I have an apartment now, and I'm not dating since my therapist told me it'd be better off to not date if I feel I can't commit right or what she had said.

My ex emailed me, and told me why he did what he did. Firstly, he texted that my chest wasn't large enough, and that he needed a fully caucasian girl with both a big chest and a big behind, and not just one or the other.

He said he was disappointed in me, and told me he would have considered getting back with me if I did not have the abortion and not sell the house.

He also texted me I should have had a different mother with a big chest and big behind so I could have her genes or get plastic surgery to fix my flat chest. Even though he told me he likes natural girls while we were dating.

He told me his girlfriend would've made a good stepmom. But I hear they are in an open relationship, so I wonder how that will go.

So yes, I will respond to any further questions.

— Also thank you for the rewards on my last post. I am not sure what they mean or what they do, but I appreciate them

— forgot to add this, his mom and his sister texted me through messages, they told me they were disappointed in the both of us for doing what we did. They told me it all sucks but it wasn't an excuse. But besides those three the rest of his family did not contact me.

Comments

Commenter #1: Man you dodged a huge bullet. He cheated on you because you didn't fit his "criteria"? But he was going to "stay with you" if you had a child? Now he would have been cheating on you or demanded an open relationship.

Your family that cut you out sucks. It's not easy to raise a child as a single mom in America, I can only imagine what it's like wherever you live. Even with your families "support" (see how fast they cut you out) it would have been hard. And even adopting the child out, thru may someday want to reconnect with their birth mother.

Just block your unsupportive family members for your own mental health. Tell them they have dissapointed you for not supporting you when you had to make a hard decision. They wouldn't have raised the child like their own, they don't get to judge you. Also block his mom/sister after telling them that he told you he can only commit to a busy, big asset, Caucasian woman, because they raised a creep of a man.

Hope things work out, it may not have been an easy decision, but with hindsight it was 100% the right one.

Commenter #2: You don’t have to answer any questions whatsoever. Your ex is a manipulative prick. Probably wants several kids with several women without actually providing for them. Leaving you in the lurch.

Admitting that you had an abortion was brave and somewhat silly. You know that people will judge you harshly for that. It’s like giving bullies who hate you a loaded gun then asking them not to shoot you. Of course they will, they’re assholes. Your life is your own. And some things are better kept private. And not up for public debate.

I think you went on instinct on avoiding having your ex in your life for the next 20 years. There’s nothing worse than 2 decades of having narcissistic drama in your life. And you’ll always be expected to take the high road ie to just put up with his toxic crap and him always trying to lord it over you. You dodged a major bullet there.

Take some time for yourself. Forgive yourself. Educate yourself on toxic people and how to look out for red flags. You deserve to be happy.

Forgive yourself.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH: for telling my fiancé that my little brother is more important than him and our upcoming wedding.

Thanks to + for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: deaths of loved ones, car accident, emotional and verbal abuse, misogyny

: June 21, 2024

I'm 30f, and I'm currently two months pregnant with my first child and engaged to my fiancé of three years James (31), for little background when I was [15] my parents had my baby brother ; and five years after while I was (20) and Matt was (5), my parents and Matt were driving home when they got into an accident resulting in my parents' death.

After the accident I was completely destroyed and devastated, but I had to pull myself together to be there for my brother and the following month I buried my parents and with the help of my aunt and uncle I applied for guardianship of my brother it took about seven months before I was approved.

I had to get a stable job/income which I did, proper housing for me and my brother which I did by using money from my inheritance to buy a house and other little things, but in the end I got my guardianship of my brother. It was hard at first working while looking after my brother it's easy now but there are still its ups and downs, but I would do it all over again for my brother.

I met my fiancé when I was (27) at a gathering, and we just clicked after three months of dating he proposed to me at first I said no because I still have my brother to take care of but after thinking I said yes, and we agreed to wait until we were financially stable. In the beginning of this year we wanted to tie the knot since I was pregnant because I didn't want my baby to be born out of wedlock, and we started the preparations and the wedding is happening in October but from what happened last week Saturday night it looks like there isn't going to be a wedding.

There were many issues where we fought and resolved, for example the wedding date the date my fiancé wanted for the wedding was on my brother's birthday. I had a problem with that I wanted to throw my brother a big party because he is turning (14) so I offered the week after in which we argued, and he even ran to his mother to try to convince me but I stood my ground stating my brother's birthday is important to me and him there was a little more fighting, but we end up coming to a resolved.

Then there were the roles I wanted my brother to play in my wedding at first I offered my brother to be his best man, but he said he wanted his best friend I said ok, then I said ring boy he would hold the rings on the little pillow and bring it up to us, but James said he wanted his nephew I said okay and left it. Saturday morning I was watching this tic tok video where the Bride asked her male best friend to her man of honor and I thought it was sweet so I decided to bring it to him, when he came home, I was in the kitchen while my brother was at sleepover at his friend's house that Saturday night, as he entered a sat, I said I have the perfect role for Matt.

“What is that" - Him

"I thought he could be my man of honor and then both wedding parties then coming out as couples they can come out as singles" - Me

"WHAT" - Him

"Man of honor or I will call it my brother of honor it would be lovely" - Me

"But I thought you wanted my sister to be your maid of honor so that can't work" - Him

"I never agreed to this and what about my brother I want him to play some role in my wedding" - Me

"I was thinking he could be a guest and sit in the rows" - Him

I was completely shocked like I wanted my brother to be in my wedding and not some side guest, I didn't know what to say he wanted to put my brother on the side lines, his whole family was playing some part of the wedding and my most of my bridesmaids were his cousins only two was were close friends but this he couldn't grant me. I stopped what I was doing and told him no it was my wedding too, and I wanted my brother to be my man of honor, and he started that his sister was better, and my brother would be guest, and he didn't want children in the wedding parties, I completely lost and started arguing with him from one thing to the next.

Since Saturday, he hasn't come home, only sending his brother to pick up some of his stuff, and his mother and sister have been blowing up my phone, but I'm a selfish woman and so what if my brother is a guest. So the last time they called was Wednesday night and I went batshit crazy on both of them using language I'm not proud of but I end the call with (yes my brother is more important than him and this wedding if it's happening, and I will never put him in front of Matt, so I'm ; f**kin sorry and to let James contact me to talk things out).

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Comments

IntroductionNo7686: NTA. Pump the brakes on marrying this man baby who runs home to mommy when his temper tantrum doesn’t get him what he wants, then he has his family gang up on his pregnant girlfriend. He does not care about you, your wants or your needs. He is selfish, self centered, manipulative, a bully, abusive and honestly, a complete tool.

It seems you’re only marrying him because you don’t want your child born out of wedlock. Please reconsider. His mask is slipping since now he’s trapped you with a pregnancy and next a marriage. This is what abusers do.

You need to talk to your brother and see if your dipshit baby daddy has been saying anything to him, like threats or how things are going to be when he’s the man of the house. Based on what you’ve said, I bet he either has or has some grand plans as to how life will be in your home.

And for the love of god, do not put that man on the deed to your house. In fact, if you go through with the marriage, get a prenup. Bet he loses his shit when you do.

You are a great mom to your brother and you did it all on your own. He’s your child and you are absolutely, positively doing the right thing here. You will be a great mom to your baby as well. If you marry this man you’ll just be parenting another child.

facinationstreet: after three months of dating he proposed

This was already a red flag that should have given you pause about him.

Then allllllll of the other shit - your STBX is jealous of your brother and has planned to cancel him from your/his life after the wedding. I'd be 100% rethinking having a kid with someone like this. He will be jealous of the baby and thinking up ways to destroy that kid's self-esteem, place in the family and more.

: July 11, 2024

Hello everyone, I'm very sorry I didn't get to update it due to me being busy with work and cancelling every wedding preparation I made and preparing Matt for sports camp. I would like everyone to know that I will not be marrying James, and we broke up, well on friday the week after posting my original post I got a message from James asking to meet and talk which I only agree to if I could pick the day that we can meet, in which he agreed too.

After picking a day which was Sunday were I knew that Matt wouldn't be home all day and I notified James, and he came around the midday period with his mother, I was shocked when I opened the door letting them in, as they sat in my living room not saying a word for a few seconds which made the moment more awkward than James stated that he was sorry for leaving and staying away because he needed to think. Then his mother started condemning me saying that I wasn't acting like a future wife and I should put my future husband's thoughts into consideration and a lot of other comments.

My name I'm disappointed in you, you're getting married, and you need to stop acting like this to your future husband -She said to me.

I scoffed hearing that then turned to James asking what was his problem with my brother, and it has more to do with me showing attention to my brother then him, he sat there not saying a word for a while and the stated he wanted a life with me and the unborn child but not with Matt. I felt utter disgust for him at that moment as he continued to say that after the wedding and having the baby he thought he would convince me that raising a baby and a teenager would be hard on both of us, and it would be best for me to send Matt to live with my uncle and aunt, but he would allow me to still support Matt financially.

I was completely shocked, and before he uttered anything else I told him sorry but no ; isn't happening and my brother isn't going anywhere. I stood up and took off the ring handing it back to him and told him it was over after saying that both him and his mother got up arguing "that I didn't have to do that, and I will regret this" and he started to cry asking me to think about what I'm saying, I just walked over to the door opened it and gestured for them to leave a few minutes past then they headed through the door with James crying and pleading while his mother was calling me some nasty names. And later on into the evening his sister and mother rang down my phone cussing me out, but I only told them to let James come for his remaining stuff.

There are a few things I would like to respond to.

1. I saw many ask why didn't I chose Matt to walk me down the aisle. I gave my uncle (my father's older brother) the role because after the whole funeral he was there helping me to acquire guardianship and just being there over the years for both me and Matt.

2. Furthermore, I made a mistake in my original post Matt is turning 15 this year I didn't see the typo, I'm truly sorry for that.

3. Many of you advise me to abort, so I wouldn't have any ties to James, but I'm sorry, I had to think, and I wouldn't do any abortion and I would carry the baby to full term.

4. As many of you stated I should sit down and talk to my brother and if James even mistreated him when I'm not around in which I did, but he said no that James mostly ignored him, and he does the same, plus I also told him the wedding is off.

Comments

One_Worldliness_6032: NTA. He basically IS jealous of your brother. Glad you noped out of the marriage cause it would be him jealous of your brother and the baby. Co-parent the BEST you can with him and his momma, cause she gonna always being around criticizing you for any little thing. Good luck, and you got this!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I don’t think my fiancé likes me

TRIGGER WARNING domestic abuse, threats to kill, neglect

  March 10, 2024

My fiancé (32M) and I (29F) have been together just under a year and I’m beginning to feel like he doesn’t like me a whole lot. I’ve communicated that I don’t feel loved in our relationship and anytime I’ve tried to have hard conversations with him he shuts down and sometimes won’t talk to me for a few days (we live together). When we first started dating he was very kind and thoughtful and things slowly changed after a while. I don’t feel like I can talk to him because he flips out and shuts down. He rarely initiates sex and isn’t very affectionate with me. I feel like we moved too fast and should pump the brakes but I don’t know what to do. He’s said incredibly hurtful things to me that have left me in tears and I’ve been so patient with him because he’s never had a normal, healthy relationship. I can’t spend the rest of my life in a relationship like this and I’ve told him that before and things get better for maybe a week or two then right back to where we started. I think I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it all bc at one point I could see us spending our lives together and now I can’t. I don’t know why I’m posting I just really need to vent and don’t have anyone to talk to.

EDIT: I’m recovering from surgery and have been sleeping on the couch because I have to sleep sitting up and it’s just easier. This all started because he asked if I was going to bed and I said yes and he just left the room. I’d been in pain the majority of the day and wasn’t feeling well. I asked if that was all (bc I want a hug or a kiss or something) and he said ‘that’s all I got from you’.

TLDR; I think we moved too fast and I’m seeing true colors and the colors are he doesn’t like me.

UPDATE: I’ve asked to take some space and he’s figuring out where to go during that time. I really appreciate everyone’s kind words and support. This sucks.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: He is very hastily packing his stuff.

FINAL (hopefully) UPDATE: He’s gone, his stuff is packed, and I have my keys. I can’t stop crying I am so incredibly disappointed but y’all are right. It’s not healthy and I’m begging for the bare minimum. Thank you.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP Expanded more in the comments

Update: I just told him how I was feeling and he expressed that he feels like I could be more supportive in xyz and he also feels lonely in the relationship, I asked him why he’s never talked to me about it and he immediately jumped to ‘oh so it’s my fault’.

UPDATE PT 2:

I told him I’d like to take some time apart and he said he’d pack his things. I asked him if he could see any scenario where things would work out and he said he’s doing everything he can. So. We got our answer but I could use some more people telling me I’m doing the right thing. Thank you internet strangers.

  March 15, 2024 (5 days later)

I just broke things off with my fiancé and I feel like it was emotionally abusive but I genuinely don’t know. Everyone was surprised when I ended things and said ‘he seemed so nice etc, etc’ and I often second guess myself.

-He would snap in an instant over anything and call me a bitch and scream at me until he was done. I would remove myself from the situation (leave the room, take the dogs out, etc.) and he would follow me.

-I would try and talk to him about xyz and he would get upset that I was upset and not talk to me for 3-4 days at a time. I was always the one approaching him to try and talk things out.

-We went on a trip out of town and were walking around and maps was taking us all over the place, he screamed at me on the side of the street for not knowing where we were going.

-Anytime one of his outbursts happened he would threaten to break up with me.

-The most recent time I was just coming home from surgery and he was very cold toward me and we had a convo about how I feel lonely in our relationship and he started bringing up problems that I didn’t know we had because he never talked about them. I told him it felt like he was only bringing these things up to invalidate what I was saying. Said he didn’t feel supported but throughout our time together would say he never felt so supported in a relationship and it was refreshing.

  May 15, 2024 (2 months after first update)

I’m a little lost in the process and how everything works. I (29F) filed for a dvro against my ex fiance (32M). I have a tro with a hearing at the end of the month.

I have a video of him charging me the day I kicked him out and another video of him saying that he could come over to my house and slit my throat (private caller on speaker phone in front of my ring camera). I have texts of him admitting to vandalism (unrelated but can I include that to show that he has a history of violence?) and screenshots of the 13 calls in the span of a day. He lives in a neighboring state and I’m unsure how the entire process works or how I get him served.

Any input helps, I am so incredibly lost.

  July 11, 2024 (2 months after second update)

1 (29F) left my abusive fiance (32M) back in March.

I'd go back and look at old videos on my ring camera of him screaming at me whenever I felt down about ending things and that helped A LOT. I very quickly realized that I had done the right thing and started therapy. Fast forward to May. I got a call from a blocked number and picked up not realizing it could be him.

He gave me the whole 'I love you, I miss you, I want to get back together' bullshit and I obviously shut that down and he followed up with 'I could come over to your fucking house and I could slit your fucking throat' (again, all recorded bc I have ring cameras throughout the house and had the phone on speaker). Immediately called and filed a police report, pressed charges, then filed for a DVRO. He called me 13x in a row.

I was able to get a lawyer pro bono and successfully got a five year restraining order. Anyway, thank you people of Reddit for telling me to get rid of the extra weight (and to the ones that told me about covert narcissism). Y'all are fantastic.

TLDR; left my abusive fiance, got into therapy, he threatened to kill me, I got a 5 year DVRO. It's an absolute WIN.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP when told to get a gun as a piece if paper wouldn't help

Ope! Forgot to add that bit in. We’ve got it taken care of on top of an aggressive security system/warned the neighbors in my building if they see him to immediately call the cops.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is and posting in

Concluded as per OOP

3 updates - Long

- 11th March 2024

- 11th March 2024

- 30th March 2024

- 16th July 2024

My Husband Almost Killed Our Baby and My Toddler Saved Him

Hey Reddit, I need to share this story because I'm still shaking from what happened. I'm 25F, been with my husband (30M) since 2018. We have a three-year-old girl and a newborn boy. But tonight, things almost took a tragic turn.

My husband has always had trouble paying attention, but I never thought it would come to this. Our neighborhood is weirdly laid out, with cars zooming by at crazy speeds. I was folding clothes when I heard our toddler screaming, "Dad, help!"

That tone made me drop everything and sprint outside. What I saw made my blood run cold – our newborn in his stroller, careening towards the busy street. I screamed and lunged, barely stopping the stroller in time. My baby girls hands and knees were scratched up because she tripped trying to run after the stroller.

I snatched up my baby, heart pounding, and scanned for my husband. He wasn't watching – he was chatting with neighbors, completely oblivious. The anger I felt was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I stormed up to him, shouting in disbelief.

He looked shocked at first, then realized what almost happened. The apologies and tears came pouring out, but it was too late. I couldn't wrap my head around how he could be so careless, so blind to our toddler's screams and the stroller rolling away.

I packed up the kids and left, staying with my parents. They're on my side, but my husband keeps texting, begging forgiveness, calling it an honest mistake. But I can't shake the terror of almost losing my baby because he couldn't focus for a single second my baby girl got hurt in the process because he couldn’t pay attention. I almost lost my son because he couldn’t pay attention. I can’t stop crying. I feel so guilty. I wish this all never happened.

Sorry it’s short I just want to hold my babies and I can’t stop shaking every time I think about it. What if I was just one second late would I have been planning a funeral?.

Comments

make-chan

Hi! I have adhd and a small child. I've spoken to neighbors/parents at the park. But I always always ALWAYS keep an eye out on my kid. He is a runner, so I have to keep checking in, but in his stroller? I'm in an area full of packed people and trains as a the main transportation. I have to be careful.

Sometimes parents slip up, but the moment your daughter was calling out for him? That's not a slip-up anymore if he was too enthralled in whatever convo he had - that's neglect.

ADHD is no excuse. Your older one was desperate and did what she was supposed to, which many kids her age may have been frozen in fear. The fact he didn't hear her cries but you could while in your house? And he was supposedly closer? No. I'd be packing my bags.

Pay for the divorce, not the funeral. That's my feeling.

Fantastic-Increase39

This is why I’m confused. How did he - or the neighbors for that matter - NOT hear the toddler screaming?!

MrIrishman1212

Or why is the stroller out of his hands!? It’s a newborn! There is no reason for the newborn to be out of arms reach while outside!

Update - 11 hours later

The neighbours wife sent me the footage, and I really can’t just wrap my head around it, so my husband was walking with the stroller and my toddler was in front of them when they passed the neighbours house. My neighbour was outside, washing his car, and my toddler saw his pet cat and stopped to go pet it, so my husband. Stopped. LEFT MY BABY ON THE ROAD he didn’t even bother locking the wheels and walked all the way up the driveway not even bothering looking back at the baby he had his back face to him for about five minutes before the stroller just suddenly started moving.

I think it’s because the road is on a hill kinda or it could’ve been the wind. My toddler never went near the stroller. It couldn’t been her. The stroller went down the road and my toddler. That’s when she started screaming and running for it when she saw. It the neighbour started running after my daughter when she tripped, he tried to pick her up that’s when the neighbours wife’s car comes into frame and she stops and starts running back to the way the stroller is coming after that you can’t really see anything because it’s all out of frame, but you can hear all the commotion my husband just stood there the whole time hand on his head with a blank stare on his face he didn’t even do anything when our toddler was crying from hurting herself he only started crying when I confronted him.

What do I do I genuinely do not know what to do. i’m panicking. this was never the life I wanted for my kids. I don’t understand why he was in standing there. I have not even gotten a text or a call from him since I got sent the video it’s just been silent I just can’t get the sound of my daughters screams. That’s the sound that no mother wants to hear. I can’t explain in the moment, but it felt like my blood went cold. and I just felt pure fear I never wanna watch the footage again.

Comments

west-bestern

When my little brother was a toddler, he almost drowned in a koi pond once when my father was supposed to be watching him. He was also talking to the neighbor when this happened. My mother trusted me, her 16-year-old at the time, more with her 3-year-old than she trusted her own husband, and I think that says everything.

All of my siblings and I got into so much trouble and danger throughout our childhoods when he was supposed to be watching us... I cut my own hair at 4, my younger sister ran right out the front door at 3, we both got into alcohol in the freezer together at 5 and 3, he lost track of us at the grocery store on multiple occasions, and my youngest sister got into the neighbor's horses' pasture when she was 4 where she could've gotten gravely injured or killed.

None of these events were ever a wake-up call to him that he needed to be paying closer attention to us.

Do you really want to risk your childrens' lives to find out if your husband is going to need a hard lesson like this more than once?

helen_jenner

OP please see this comment. This right here is it. These types of people do not just have a wake up call. And even if their choices cause the death of a child, they will never take accountability. It will always be something else or someone else's fault.

Update - Went back to my husband after he almost killed our newborn - 19 days later

Hey everyone, I posted here a while back about my husband nearly killing our newborn son. I wanted to give a quick update on the situation.

After reading through the comments, I decided to go back to my husband. Many of you pointed out that if I left him, we'd end up with 50/50 custody of our kids, which I couldn't bear. So, I made the difficult choice to stay, even though my love for him has faded. My plan now is to tough it out until our kids turn 18, and then leave.

I'm terrified of getting pregnant again, especially since I'm not allowed to use birth control or get my tubes tied. My parents, who could offer support, are moving away, leaving me feeling trapped.

Despite everything, my husband tries hard to make things right. He still treats me with affection and goes out of his way to create special moments for our family. Seeing him bond with our newborn and our daughter fills me with conflicting emotions. I know I can't stand being with him, but I can't bear to separate him from our kids either.

he was so happy when we came back home but I can’t stand even looking at him I feel some quilt because he still calls me by my nickname looks at me like I’m the only girl in the world (besides our daughter) and he still continues our traditions like when the kids are sleeping he will go get ice cream and our favourite snacks and sets up a fort on our bed to watch movies on our laptop

Even though I'm sacrificing my happiness, my priority is ensuring my children's safety and wellbeing. It's a tough situation, but I'm doing my best to navigate it for the sake of my family.

This is a throw away so I’m gonna log out bye

Comments

Away-Enthusiasm4853

Just get a divorce. This is not going to be a healthy home life for your children. Are you going to let your husband live a lie? Do you plan on creating a facade that will somehow give your kids an idea of what to expect out of a loving relationship? You are creating a mental health time bomb that will likely impact everyone.

Update - 3.5 months later

As you can see from my previous post I did go back to him and it was quite literally the biggest mistake I’ve ever made but I felt like I really had no choice no money, family moved out of state a lot has happened the past couple of months so it turns out my husband started taking meds for his adhd a couple of weeks before I was due to give birth to our son he took my kids on a walk to cover up the fact that he was also on meth he took my kids to meet his dealer apparently every time they went for a walk looking back at the footage now.

It makes so much sense because the way he was talking to the neighbour before. Everything happened, he was kind of leaning To the side. I talked to my neighbour, and I asked him if he knew that my husband was on drugs. He said he didn’t, but he noticed that my husband looked a bit off recently. His wife works at a rehab clinic after a fight where I had to flee with the kids to the neighbours house, she pointed out that the way he was acting was the way that people acted with drug withdrawal my neighbour and his wife ended up helping me book a flight to my parents.

I’m currently with them right now and I have spoken to a lawyer that my parents are gonna help me pay for I think all the people from my original post that told me to keep the footage because it is going to come in handy my husband keeps sending me videos of him shooting up and doing other substances he keeps saying that they are going to fix him. He sent me a video of him standing in our kids room. And he was just screaming at me, saying that it helped him cope with his adhd, he took a knife and stabbed both of our kids mattresses. I am not going back. He even cut up the side of my bed. there’s a comment from my previous post that has been sitting in the back of my mind and has been bugging me I think you know which one it was it was by

their comment

Saying "I don't care if it was his ADHD" isn't going to fix anything, and will probably only make things worse. Talking and thinking about it like he intentionally tried to kill your child isn't either. With ADHD you actually do not register things like this at all sometimes. Life expectancy for those of us with ADHD is actually significantly lower because many of us end up, often accidentally, killing ourselves.

It is not the same thing as carelessness, but learning about ADHD a little deeper can help you guys be safer. Understanding how my ADHD works and using different than standard precautions, like my brain needs, has actually most likely saved my life. Lie out what you want from him. That's probably that he get his ADHD better under control whether that be through prescripton medication or more homeopathic method, that you get a different place if possible, that he not take your kids out in your front yard without you, etc. Also, neither he or the neighbor noticed, but you heard your kid from inside? Something seems off here.

Were your neighbors just watching the stroller roll towards the street? Was your husband on the other side of your house where he couldn't see the stroller? Were you already walking outside as this unfolded? I'm trying to understand better what was going on here and why your husband or the neighbor did not notice, but you did from inside? People v ADHD tend to be incredibly good and quick to ac emergency situations, so this is especially weird. I'm absolutely not accusing you of leaving anything out or anything, but asking you to think about what your husband and the neighbor were doing that neither noticed? THAT smells fishy. This is a horrible situation. I lost a pet due to the inatentiveness of ADHD but I can't imagine losing .. even nearly losing a child……

WTF It baffles me that you can even compare losing an animal to losing a child you made people with ADHD sound completely unreliable for themselves and that they can’t do anything you made them sound very helpless and saying that the life expectancy thing was completely uncalled for as well I bet many people with ADHD reading that completely disagreed with you judging from all the comments and YouTube videos I’ve seen on my post I don’t know if you’re projecting that you lost a pet from your “inattentiveness of adhd” if you were letting things die in your care, you need to get stronger help and no I was not going to “lay out” what I want from him he’s the one that started, mixing his meds and was high off his mind everytime they went out for a walk . and no i’m not ablest I was in a very vulnerable state when I first posted my original post all I was doing was looking for help and advice but all I got was where was you what were you doing?

Why wasn’t you with the kids? Why didn’t you get your husband checked out? I was healing from a fucking C-section get that through your heads!!!! I genuinely hope that everybody that said something horrible about me and my original post has to get cut open and then 4 days later is forced to run down the street. I gave him another chance like you ALL SAID in my original post you seen what happened. Stop using ADHD as a excuse I genuinely believe that if he had killed my child, you would’ve have defended him AND NO I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS ON DRUGS‼️‼️‼️

And all the people that reached out to me I’m going to be forever, grateful for all of the parents with adhd that didn’t make me feel like it was all my fault and all the stories that you guys have shared with me made me feel so seen because I know exactly how it feels I hope everybody is doing well. everybody that was defending me. I wish I could give you a big hug I genuinely wish I could send gift baskets I would, thank you all from the bottom of my heart and I am so sorry about that comment that that person made. I know you guys are all not like that you guys are genuinely intelligent from all the comments that I’ve read I could not. Thank you guys enough

And one person that sent me that horrible message I genuinely hope I run into you one day so I can beat your ass until you see stars and say anything about my daughter or my son one more time, and I will literally track you down

Logging out

Comments

Civil-Influence7601

I am so sorry that you went through something so stressful and traumatic. I hope you and your children are safe.

ittybittymomma

Ok, wow, him stabbing the beds is insane. I’m so sorry that you had to experience something like that. Good on you for leaving and being brave enough to end it, it’s not always easy to do.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Husband Goes Out Of His Way To Help Everyone Except Me

Originally posted to

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: neglect, financial exploitation

  July 8, 2024

Maybe I'm being selfish idk please help me out. My (33) husband will go hours out of his way to help his family and friends but when it comes to me his wife (32) and his two sons we get nothing.

For example just the past month he has gone to Kansas with his grandpa to help him rebuild a church, 7 hours away. Helped his other grandpa build a tower and fix a automatic gate. His mom and dad various different things. His friends that live and hour away, he helped install an a/c on their house. His bestfriend crashed on my couch most of the week last week and they sat and played video games the whole time.

When I asked him to renew our business license in town or order the boys cake for their party last saturday, well I'll be taking time off from work to get that done today and their party has been moved to this Saturday. He knew the only time my family could come to their party was last Saturday because they have vacation planned the next two weeks. For context I'm the only one with a 9-5 M-F  job. We live in a small town where everything is closed on the weekend. He works the business which may only be 10hrs to 20hrs a week. The business is making enough for the business bills. Sometimes his family or friends will pay him for the work he does. We have been married for 6 years.

This has been going on for awhile he puts his family and friends before me and the kids and I have to figure out with my job how to get things done that need to be done for the household. Please don't get me wrong I love that he knows how to do all these things and that he helps out his family and friends. But why can't I get some help from him for the little things?

RELEVANT COMMENT

When told to stop "nagging" her husband

I pay all the bills, the house is in my name because he didn't have the credit to get one. I don't think it's nagging asking him to do two things and there was no implying. I asked can you do this because I have to work and can't.  I would love to share the responsibility instead of doing it all myself. This isn't a one time issue this has been going on for awhile and I asked reddit because I don't know what to do anymore. I was a Staff Sergeant in the Army. I don't imply when I need something done. I ask when I need help. I look at my money as our money he looks at his money as his. He sometimes gets paid for helping others.

  July 11, 2024

I don't know if this will get to the people who commented on my first post but I hope it does. First off thank you everyone that commented. An overwhelming lot of you said to divorce him or seek counseling.

Well now something very strange has happened. I came home for lunch yesterday from work and the entire house was clean. Dishes done, laundry done, floor swept and mopped you name it and it was done. He even made dinner that night. I have no idea the who, what, when, where, or why of it.

He doesn't have reddit so I don't think he saw the post. He didn't apologize for anything. Just told me he loved me and was happy to see my face when I saw the house. This is the first time ever in our marriage that he has done something like this. I suspect maybe he got my phone and saw the notifications  from reddit. But I don't know when he could of done that. I don't know what to make of this, but I'm over the moon happy right now. I usually only have time to really clean on Saturday and with a house of two boys you can imagine how messy that can get.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm going to watch and see what happens for now. Maybe he's changed miraculously over night. Or maybe he did find the original post. I have no idea. And yes for those who commented that I don't give him praise. I definitely gave him praise for this and no I didn't ask him to clean the house. He did this one all his own. Thank you again to everyone.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Content warning - racism

2 updates - Long

- 14th July 2024

- 16th July 2024

- 17th July 2024

AIO about finding condoms in my boyfriend’s toiletry bag?

This morning, I was helping my (25f) boyfriend (23m) get ready for work. He asked me to grab his toothbrush and toothpaste out of his toiletry bag. He has one of those electric toothbrushes with the detachable head, and I couldn’t find the head. So I opened up another pocket to look for it. I found condoms. A lot of them.

He was gifted this toiletry bag for christmas before he left on a three month trip to visit family in Europe. He acted surprised, like he didn’t know they were in there and took them out immediately. He acted like he didn’t know that pocket existed. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, but at some point these condoms were packed in his bag over the past six months. We’ve been together for two years.

The worst part is they’re latex condoms. I’m allergic to latex. We only use non-latex condoms (in addition to my birth control).

AIO for feeling suspicious about this? I feel like I’m going crazy.

UPDATE: I’ve seen the comments and I’m kind of freaking out. I’m messaging my therapist right now to figure out the best path forward. I was there at Christmas when he was given the bag. It was at his best friend’s family house so part of me is hoping that his best friend put them in there not knowing I’m allergic to latex. We haven’t been intimate as much lately. Maybe once in the past two months. I’ve been really scared that he’s not attracted to me anymore because that’s what most people say on here is the reason for someone’s sex drive changing so drastically.

He asked to move in with me when he came back from his trip and I said yes so now I feel really trapped like what if he’s been cheating this whole time he’s been living with me? He shares his location but that doesn’t really mean anything. I’m on here all the time. I’ve seen the stories of how people cheat even when sharing their location. I wish I hadn’t seen anything and I don’t know anything he could say to make me feel more secure. Someone said I shouldn’t have asked so I could snoop and find out for sure but I don’t want to have to snoop through my partner’s belongings to find proof of them cheating on me. A relationship without trust is dead. We’re supposed to talk later and I’ll update afterwards. Everyone is so sure he’s cheating and I really really hope he’s not because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if he is. I’m already struggling with my mental health as is.

Comments

parkplug-nightmare

This combined with the sudden decrease in sex yall are having is a red flag.

Supa_fly2024

My sister found a large box of the brand of condoms we used in a hidden pocket of my now ex-husbands large military bag. He had been on deployment recently and my niece used that bag to move. We hadn't used condoms in years. Asked him about it and he said it must have been a bad joke his squadron played. I was ignorant- why would his squadron know the brand of condoms he used? Fast forward 1 kid and another on the way- I found messages on his Facebook where he was extra friendly to women on his post and who he was deployed with. He made me feel like I was dumb and over reaching with those messages. A month later he asked me for a divorce. I was 6 months pregnant with our second kid. He was (and still is) the worst. Trust your gut. Good luck.

Crafty-Butterfly-974

Twinners!! My ex took latex condoms (I’m allergic) on deployment and then ordered more online. I’m still not 100% how it happened but they shipped to our house instead of his FOB address.

He said they were required to have them to put over the gun barrel to keep the sand out. I can be gullible but not nearly that gullible. He hasn’t called our kids in 15 years.

I later found out a female medic pretty much lived in his CHU the entire time (with him being an officer).

Edit: the condoms were lubricated with a spermicide. I had spoken to his command who said only dry condoms had been used for this purpose but not in this particular theater as the heat melted them to the gun.

Update - 2 days later

well. I definitely was not expecting to see over a thousand comments on my post. This update is long to address everyone’s concerns on the previous post.

Thank you to the people who sent me kind messages to check on me. I’m not sure what the people who sent me messages trying to fuck me were expecting aside from getting blocked.

That being said: I did have a conversation with my boyfriend last night. I was always planning on having an in depth conversation about what I had found, but there was nothing I could do about it while he was at work. I texted my therapist because I could tell I was starting to spiral, and posted on here while I was waiting for her response. Which I think was a mistake, if I’m being honest. Although the majority of the comments were supportive, it’s impossible for y’all to have as full of a picture as my therapist does and I should’ve just waited for her to respond to me instead of coming on here. The massive amount of comments was very overwhelming. However, I do think that posting did help me feel more secure in thinking it was suspicious and enabled me to be more assertive when we talked.

I appreciate all the comments telling me I was not overreacting. He never said I was, but his nonchalant response certainly made me feel that way.

I appreciate the thought out comments encouraging me to have a conversation with him and giving me genuine advice for it.

The second conversation went better.

I didn’t accuse him of anything, I pretty much just said that finding non-latex condoms in addition to the lack of intimacy I’d been receiving was making me feel confused and upset.

I asked him where the condoms came from.

His older brother gave them to him while he was in Europe. To prevent confusion, I’m going to use fake names from here on out. My boyfriend is Theo. His oldest brother is Alvin. His other brother is Simon. Yes, like the chipmunks. I couldn’t think of other names for three brothers. Sorry.

Theo hadn’t met his mother’s side of the family, including his mother, grandmother, aunt, and older siblings, until his trip. The entire purpose was to get to know his family. He spent half with his aunt, grandma, brothers, and cousin in Spain. The other half of the trip he spent with his mother in the middle of nowhere in Portugal helping her open a kiosk. It was not a sightseeing trip. He didn’t get to see any big monuments or go to major cities. I was not able to come because I’m in school and work full time and it wasn’t worth it for me to just come for a week during spring break (I also thought it was important for him to enjoy his one-on-one time with his mom since he was separated from her when he was an infant).

His brothers are very different people. Simon seems well-adjusted with a longterm girlfriend. He spent a lot of time with Simon and his girlfriend, who was the only one there fluent in English and helped him translate when his Spanish fell short. His oldest brother, the 30 year old who gave him the condoms, Alvin, has been in and out of prison for a majority of his life. I guess Spain has some weird laws around squatting so whenever he gets out of prison the dude just claims abandoned property and fixes it up to live in because I guess the government would have to provide him housing if they kicked him out?

Anyways. While Theo was on the trip, he called and texted me every day. He told me about Alvin obnoxiously catcalling girls when they’d all walk down the street and how Alvin had tried to get both him and Simon to go to an orgy with him despite both of them having girlfriends. Theo was very clear about having a girlfriend. He carries around a picture of me in his wallet, and his aunt said he talked about me a lot while he was there. Despite this, Alvin was very pushy with him about how he should be fucking a bunch of women while he was there and “having fun”. I remember this from when Theo was there. He found it really annoying. So did Simon. I guess during one of those conversations, Alvin straight up gave Theo a bunch of condoms to use to cheat on me.

Side note: I counted them based on a comment someone left about how many are typically in a pack. They’re all still there, I think. There’s 8. I don’t know how many come in the packs in Spain.

Theo hid them in his bag. He said he would’ve left them there but his Aunt cleaned his room regularly and he didn’t want the drama of his other family members seeing. Once he got back, he forgot they were in there. He only uses his toiletry bag when he goes to the gym. We went out together with our friends Saturday night after his shift and stopped at the gym on the way downtown so he could shower and freshen up. Otherwise his toothbrush is in our bathroom. He’s not living out of a suitcase, he’s fully moved in. I do see how some commenters saw the existence of the toiletry bag as a red flag when we live together, so I wanted to clear that up.

I did ask him why he accepted the condoms. He said he had zero intention of using them, and that he accepted them because Alvin wouldn’t listen to anything Theo said about me and that he left him alone after that. Theo didn’t even say goodbye to him when he left. He tried to spend as little time with Alvin as possible, despite him constantly inviting both Theo and Simon over to his abandoned house. Simon grew up with Alvin but still seemed pretty content about avoiding him when I asked about it while Theo was there. I guess he’s just not a good person so the rest of the family avoids him when possible.

So that’s it. My boyfriend didn’t cheat on me. The condoms came from his older brother. I believe him. He was very straightforward with his answers, and was more concerned with my wellbeing when he came home and saw how upset I was. He wasn’t defensive at all. He listened to me without interrupting. He told me he loves me and that he has zero desire to cheat on me. He also works two jobs, shares his location, and usually is at home if he’s not at work or the occasional gym visit. He doesn’t have the time to see other women, and if he does have spare time, he spends it with me or his friends, who are also my friends. He does have friends separate from our friend group at work, but he invites me to come along when they’ve gone out or asks me to join them when they play overwatch after work.

I love him, I believe him, and I’m moving past this. That doesn’t mean I’ll let any additional red flags slide if they pop up, though. As many of you said, I’m still young and have my whole life ahead of me. If things get worse, I know I’ll be okay by myself. I love him and I want him in my life, but my happiness doesn’t depend on his presence.

I have a therapy session tomorrow, and I’ve had a lot of time to think. In hindsight I think what made me spiral the most was that if he really did cheat on me, I’d be living with a stranger. I’ve had so much trust built up towards him so I view him as this person who would never hurt me intentionally or yell at me or cheat on me. If he was capable of cheating on me, he could be capable of those other things too. That was really scary to think about and made me spiral. The massive amount of comments where everyone was so convinced he was a terrible person and that I’d been fooled also did not help. I felt like I had no idea how he would react towards me if it was true, and I was very very scared. As soon as he came home, I felt very silly for feeling that way. He’s nothing like my ex. He’s never given me a reason to be afraid of him. I shouldn’t have let comments on the internet freak me out so bad and I definitely need to take some time away from Reddit.

I hope I addressed all the questions/concerns in the comments. Thank you for all your help. Thank you for listening.

—

For the commenters who had questions regarding our sex life and relationship in general:

When he first came back from his trip and moved in things were normal and we both had high sex drives. Things started slowing down pretty drastically over the past couple of months. We’ve talked about it prior to me finding the condoms. We both acknowledged that it’s an issue and that we’re at an age where our sexual activity should be at its peak. He says he doesn’t know what’s wrong. He’s embarrassed because he’s attracted to me and doesn’t understand how he can have a gorgeous girlfriend and lose his sex drive (his words not mine). He has an appointment next week to get his hormones checked and has been looking into getting a therapist of his own in case the issue is mental and not physical. It’s still difficult to not feel insecure when I try initiating and he’s not in the mood, but he still makes an effort to show affection in other ways.

Our current level of intimacy isn’t ideal, but I don’t think it’s a lost cause as long as we’re working towards a solution together. We have date nights every week. I’m very supportive of him spending time with his friends, and he does the same for me. We live together, but no one is clingy or codependent. We do check in with each other to see how we’re feeling about the living situation since it is somewhat new and we’re still figuring out how to divide and conquer with household tasks. I’m a full time student and I work full time. He works two jobs. We both contribute equally, and do our best to make time for ourselves and each other despite our busy schedules (I have 14 credits this summer and barely exist outside of work and school lol).

—

For the commenters who had some things to say about me having a therapist or mental health issues:

I try my best to ensure that I am my main support system. I’ve been in the position before of being someone’s emotional punching bag due to their mental illness and I would never ever put someone I love in that position. I’m in therapy because I have experienced an extreme amount of trauma and don’t want my C-PTSD to impact my life and relationships in a negative way. I grew up with a mom with severe anxiety (and most likely undiagnosed PTSD) related to the trauma both of us experienced at the hands of my biological father. She doesn’t believe in therapy. I had to call 911 several times as a small child because of her panic attacks. I love my mom, and our relationship has come a long way, but the last thing I would want if/when I have children is for me to be an unstable parental figure.

My usage of therapy doesn’t warrant me staying single. My therapist has been very encouraging of this relationship since my boyfriend asked me out two years ago. I had gotten out of an incredibly abusive and toxic relationship the year prior, and had zero intention of getting into another serious relationship any time soon. I was thriving and my therapist thought I was ready, but I told my boyfriend that I needed to focus on myself. We took things slow. He was respectful and patient every step of the way until I was ready. He has never raised his voice at me or even cussed at me. He is a very caring partner. I think his love language is based in quality time and acts of service. He’s not great with words, but he tries. He can be a bit emotionally distant at times and not know exactly what to say when I’m upset, but that doesn’t prevent him from being there and giving me a hug when I need it.

We’ve been going through a rough patch with our intimacy, and when I was off my meds I felt like he (and everyone else in my life) viewed me as a burden despite him telling me he’d be there for me and for me to just ask for whatever I needed. He’s told me many times that he’s still attracted to me and that it has nothing to do with me but when I was feeling low I kind of let my past trauma impact how I felt about myself. Being repeatedly sexually assaulted kind of made me feel like my worth is based in my sexuality, so having a boyfriend who isn’t all over me anymore made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Like if I’m trying to initiate and am available and the person who loves me doesn’t want it, but someone else was willing to violently take it from me when I didn’t want it, what does that say about me? I know that’s not rational and I’ve talked a lot about it in therapy but it is something that I struggle with sometimes.

I posted on here during a low time with my depression because I needed to vent and didn’t want to burden anyone I knew with my irrational negativity. Depression is weird. Especially after years of therapy. When I’m at my lowest, the intrusive thoughts are overwhelming, but deep down I know they’re irrational and that they’ll eventually pass, even if it doesn’t feel like it on the surface level. I know some of the things I said then were concerning but I really wasn’t in any danger. There’s a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life and I know I’m capable of them even if it does feel hopeless sometimes.

I know I have people in my life who love me; I just have a hard time reaching out for help when I need it and need to be better at letting people be there for me. My mom raised me to be really self sufficient and she’s also got a lot on her plate with my dad being sick so I don’t want to bother her and make her spiral more than she already is. I’ve been set back a lot with my education because of all the stuff I’ve been going through but I know I have a bright future and that I should be proud of myself for making it this far. I am back on medication and am increasing the frequency of my therapy appointments from once a month to every other week. I was doing well before I went off my meds, so I’m doing my best to get back on track.

Sorry for rambling. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation of my mental health on here but I know some people were worried. I’m okay. I’m going to be okay, with or without my boyfriend.

My mental illness does not prevent me from being a loving and supportive friend and partner. Using therapy doesn’t make me a weak person incapable of standing up for myself and making decisions.

Comments are somewhat mixed

NewToTheCrew444

you’re very self aware and good at articulating your feelings. If no one else has said it today, I’m proud of you

OOP: Thank you so much

juliaskig

You did well with your bf. He did well with you.

Live-Tomorrow-4865

That is such a convoluted story, it sounds like bullshit to me. I've come to the conclusion, over the years, that the more elaborate a lie is, the less believable it is.

However, you know him best, and you know nuances and little details and dynamics we do not. So, I'm happy for you that you see a path forward.

OOP: It would be more suspicious if he hadn’t actively been updating me on his trip the entire time he was there, including information about his brother being a sex-addicted scumbag. The only information that was new to me was that his brother had given him condoms. I already knew his oldest brother had been trying to get both him and his other brother to cheat while he was there. thank you for the concern.

the update to the update

I’m lowkey regretting posting an update at all. I don’t know why the opinions of strangers bother me but it’s kind of annoying that so many people didn’t read the entire thing and just said I wrote all that to convince myself? I wrote that a full 24 hours after I had my conversation with him and debated posting anything at all because I figured people would be convinced he cheated regardless of anything I had to say.

It’s detailed because so many people had different things to say about different parts of my original post. I thought if I just posted “his brother gave him the condoms” people would say that was a vague answer. Of course it feels like a complex story to someone who never heard about his trip, but the only thing I didn’t already know was that his brother had given him condoms.

His trip was a shitshow. He was on the phone with me every single day telling me about it and fell asleep on the phone with me 99% of the time. He wasn’t going out at night. He wasn’t partying. Half his trip he spent with his estranged mother and her crazy racist abusive boyfriend who kept accusing him of stealing and saying wild shit about how he couldn’t believe my boyfriend would sleep with a n*gger like me. I had to talk him down on the phone to keep him from freaking out and endangering himself because he had no way of getting home if his mom’s boyfriend kicked him out. He already got abandoned in a random town in Portugal by them for like a full day and a half at one point. I’m not surprised the condoms slipped his mind.

If he hadn’t maintained constant communication with me while he was there, I’d be more suspicious. If he hadn’t told me about all the other crazy shit his brother pulled while he was there, I’d be more suspicious. If he had gotten defensive at all, I’d be suspicious.

He didn’t lie to me. He didn’t know they were there. The bag has a million pockets and he only really uses one of them. The pocket seemed empty from the outside. He forgot he stashed them there.

People seem so sure that I’m this naive spineless person when I’m not. If you’d read what I said about my mental health, you would know I already have a tendency to be hyper-vigilant about red flags and be avoidant to protect myself. I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t like depending on other people. I mentioned my boyfriend never yelling or cussing because I’ve quite literally never witnessed him get angry. The most upset I’ve seen him was when he was trying to defend me while he was in Europe. He’s probably the most calm/stoic person I’ve ever met. I love that about him. I love him. I trust him.

Also, his last serious relationship ended with him catching his ex in the act of cheating on him. She had mental health issues and responded to being caught by attempting to kill herself by walking into traffic. I know some internet troll is going to say that’s another farfetched story but I know it’s true. His best friend’s mom, who is basically also his mom, pulled me aside when she met me and told me that she was glad he found someone that makes him so happy after everything he went through with her. I don’t think he would cheat on me after going through something like that. He’s a really good person. He’s fully capable of being a support system for me, I just was afraid to let him because I didn’t want him to feel like he had to worry about me or take care of me the way he did with her. That’s not healthy, though. I’m trying to be better at trusting people when they say that they want to be there for me, and that includes him.

We met at school. He sat behind me in class so he couldn’t even really see me. When I asked him later what most attracted him to me, he said that I was well-spoken. My appearance was just a bonus. I don’t want to sound conceited but there is rarely a time when I am in public and I am not approached by someone who wants to catcall me, compliment me, or ask me out. I was almost kidnapped twice as a teenager. I hate being approached.

I hate being asked out. I turned down every other person that approached me at school trying to hook up or ask me out. But when he did it, he was so nervous and respectful and he felt different somehow and so I said yes. On our very first date, he took me to an art museum. We went to an amusement park after that. He followed that up with a picnic under the stars where we spoke for at least five or six hours about our lives and what we wanted in the future. It felt scary at the time because it was the best date I’d ever been on in my life and I didn’t think I was ready for anything serious, and he came along and made me feel so comfortable and at ease. We both come from emotionally volatile parents, and are trying to do our best not to become them. We connected right away, but I still wanted to take things slow.

It took six months before I was ready to make things official. During that time, he made it clear that I was the only one he was interested in. He detailed my car multiple times, brought me flowers, got my cat little holiday-themed bandanas. He bought me vinyls of albums that he noticed I listened to in the car. He did all of this without expecting anything in return, and still does these things to this day. He’s trying to learn how to braid so we don’t have to get my hair done anymore. When he moved in, he organized my whole closet without me asking because he remembered me complaining about it and wanted to take something off my plate. He saw I’ve been wanting a Gustaf Westman mirror for awhile and BUILT ME ONE. With his hands. Took me to Home Depot and let me pick out the color I wanted for it and everything. He treats me like a queen. The only rough patch in our relationship has been over the past couple of months when our intimacy decreased, but I have faith things will get better.

Finding those condoms freaked me out but I’m over it now. It’s been resolved. If you can’t see the value he adds to my life, that’s your problem. I’m happy.

I’m not responding to any more comments about it. I appreciate everyone that was supportive and recognized the effort I’ve put into my emotional regulation. I’m going to take a break from Reddit and enjoy the life I have.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

[New Update]: AITAH for Thinking There's a Hidden Affair Between My Husband and Best Friend?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, betrayals, gaslighting, possible stalking/harassment

RECAP

: February 3, 2024

I (31F) have a deep suspicion that there is something weird going on between my husband (33M) and my best friend Maria (30F). My husband feels I am just seeing things and is mad at me that I do not trust him enough. Please tell me if what is going on is just in my head, or if you also find the situation from last weekend suspicious.

Maria and I have been best friends since college. She has always been very outgoing, while I am more of an introvert. Maria was always a bit promiscuous and loved drama. She had a lot of boyfriends/hookups in college. She is also very beautiful and I always felt invisible when I was around her (I have weight issues). I always felt overshadowed by her. I was always very shy and my husband was the first person I ever dated. Maria always teased me that I had only been with one guy in my life. As we have grown older, Maria is still to be in a real long-term relationship. I feel that things have reversed now, and she keeps on telling me how lucky I am to have such an ambitious and reliable husband by my side.

Around 6 months ago, my husband came to me and told me that he felt Maria was trying to flirt with him. He does not like Maria but tolerates her for me. During one of the dinner parties, Maria was acting very flirty around my husband. She was just laughing extra-loudly at all his jokes, complimenting his fitness, and touching him on the shoulders and arms. My husband told me that he felt uncomfortable with her behavior and asked me to talk to Maria. I was pissed off and talked to Maria. She got angry at me and said that she had known my husband for over a decade, he is like a brother to her. She felt my husband was trying to destroy our friendship because he did not like her. I felt she was genuine and let it go.

Maria soon joined our gym because she wanted to take yoga classes with me. However, she spent more time in the weights room where my husband is. Again, my husband made comments about how she is always half-naked in the gym and asked him to spot her. Maria complained that my husband is being rude and unhelpful to her. I again took her side and told my husband to be helpful and nice to her, as she is my best friend. My husband said he would make more effort. I slowly started seeing them getting more and more friendly and working out together. I wanted to be cool, but I felt jealous.

So now to what happened last weekend. Maria invited a bunch of her friends for a birthday party at her apartment. There were 7 guests there, including my husband and I. Maria kept on pushing tequila shots on all of us. Eventually, most of us got drunk. Maria was sitting next to my husband and was being very flirty with him, but I could see my husband not reciprocating, so didn't care. Maria insisted we stay back at her place, and my husband and I slept in the guest bedroom. The other three guests, who were her coworkers (1 guy and 2 girls) crashed on the sofas in the living room. I was drunk and the last thing I remember was my husband bringing me to the guest room.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, I was alone in bed. I could hear some moaning noises from outside. I quickly started looking for my phone in the dark. In that process, I dropped something from the nightstand on the floor. The noises stopped and I heard a door open and close outside. I quickly got up to see where my husband was. When I reached the hallway, I saw my husband, just in his jeans with no shirt on. I asked him where he was, and he said he went to the restroom and asked if I was ok. I said yes, and he came and slept next to me. He was sweaty. I asked him where his shirt was, and he said that the heater was too high, and he felt hot. His T-shirt was on a chair next to the bed. I lay down, but I was barely able to sleep after that.

I got up early and went into Maria's room and she was sleeping alone naked. I told her we were taking off, and she got up to see us off. I kept this all to myself, and when we reached home and my husband went to take a shower, I immediately checked his phone. I could not find any messages between him and Maria. I spent the whole day thinking about it and finally confronted my husband regarding it at night. He was pretty angry at me and told me that he hates Maria and the only reason he tolerates Maria is because of me. I told him about the moaning noises, and he said he also heard the same when he went to the restroom but thought they were coming from the living room. He is still angry at me, that I can accuse him of something so horrible, and has told me that if I am really that insecure, I should cut off my friendship with Maria. He also told me that he was never going to be in the same room as Maria ever again.

I have no idea what to do. On one hand, I know my husband would never cheat on me. But, it's just impossible to get the doubts out of my head. I keep on picturing my husband and Maria together in her bed. Am I the asshole to confront my husband and accuse him of cheating, just because of what I saw, and not having any real proof? How do I know what happened? If I confront Maria and accuse her, she is also going to be equally mad at me. I don't know her coworker friends well enough to trust what they say. I just feel stupid for trying to push for friendship between my husband and Maria. Please help!

Update: they are texting via Facebook messenger.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Relevant Comments

veronica19922022:

Maria isn’t your best friend. I say that sincerely as someone else who had “best friends” my whole life who were similar to Maria. I had a best friend like this who was prettier, funnier, more outgoing, better with men, everything in college. My boyfriend also didn’t like her. She also tried to flirt with him. I also worried about this. I was wrong. My boyfriend didn’t cheat on me. And it’s unlikely your husband cheated on you with her if he dislikes her so much. Much more likely his story is correct that he was hot and took his shirt off. Drinking makes you feel hot on top of having a heater on and sleeping.

Listen- as someone who has been through this. Put some distance between yourself and Maria. You don’t have to cut her out 100% but maybe take her down to about 20%

“But we’ve been through so much together!”

Yea i know. But what’s even better than that is having friends who you aren’t worried want to steal your husband.

Judgement: Maria is an AH. Husband is NTA. You are to be determined. Take this as a chance to apologize and move on. If you don’t you WBTAH

OOP:

Thanks. Needless to say, I will increase our distance from Maria. I feel threatened by her, especially since I see her flirting with my husband and I am not ok. She does the same thing with most other men, and hence, I always chalked her behavior to this is how she is.

I hope what you are saying is true about my husband. I feel the fact that I just can't get it out of my head and it's been almost 5 days since the incident makes me very anxious.

I have apologized to my husband and is says it's okay, but I can see he is still angry at me.

Top Comments

LegalNebula4797:

Most of the comments I’ve read have gone in on Maria and discussed how she’s not your friend - I agree.

But I want to talk about the fact that you really NEED to be a better partner to your husband. He has expressed discomfort many times to you. You have flatly ignored his feelings and brushed them aside. You have even encouraged him to be close to someone who he doesn’t even like. Stop it, OP. This is wrong. If someone was constantly flirting with and harassing you, how would you like it if your love and partner told you to get over it and play nice?

Respect your husband’s decisions to never go around Maria again. He said “I will never be in the same room as her again.” Let that be the law of the land. It’s NOT your place to try to force him to be around her then get mad when you can tell the vibes are off which he’s explicitly told you over and over.

Do better, OP. Your husband is never seeing her again and I don’t know why you would want to either. Some friends don’t stay in your life forever. This is done. Move on from her to try to save your marriage.

: March 13, 2024 (one month later)

I had posted about a month ago regarding suspecting my husband and my best friend Maria sleeping together while I was drunk and passed out in another room.

A lot happened during the last month, and my mental health is at its lowest due to the betrayals. However, I think I now know what happened that night. I am sorry for the long post.

So, the day after my husband and I stayed at Maria's house for her birthday party, I was unable to shake the feeling that something happened between them. I am not proud but I checked my husband's phone and all his messaging apps. I only found a brief chat between my husband and Maria on Facebook Messenger. Maria thanked my husband for coming to her birthday party and for such a great night. She sent him a photo of them hugging at the end of the night (after I was asleep). My husband told Maria that I suspected that something happened between them and asked her to talk to me. Maria told him that she would talk to me.

Maria called me the next day and told me that I was crazy and she would never think of doing such a thing to me. She sounded convincing, but I just couldn't shake the gut feeling that something happened. I told her why I suspected them, and she called me crazy and that my head was making up stuff that did not exist. I also mentioned that I saw her photo with my husband after I was asleep and she should have kept her distance from him. I decided to distance myself from her, as I no longer trusted her as a friend. We also changed the times we went to the gym so that we don't run into her.

After a week or so, she messaged my husband on Facebook Messenger that they should tell me the whole truth. My husband kept on asking her what she was talking about, but she kept on telling him that she felt guilty. My husband came to me and told me that Maria is sending messages to him and he is not sure what she is inferring. He kept on assuring me that nothing happened between them that night. I told him that I read their secret chats on Facebook Messenger. He gas-lighted me, calling me insecure and that Maria was trying to play with my head.

I finally decided to go to Maria's house and ask her what was going on. Maria initially kept on saying that she did not want to talk about it. However, finally, she broke down and told me what happened. She told me that during the night of the birthday party, my husband kept on staring at her. After they realized I was too drunk, he took me to the bedroom and again went back to the living room. At this point, he was sitting next to Maria and kept on touching her legs playfully. Maria was also very drunk and they decided to call it a night in 30 minutes. Maria said that my husband followed her to her room and he started undressing her and they were intimate together. She told me that she was too drunk to consent to anything and felt like he SA her. She kept quiet to keep peace, but it was bugging her from inside. I asked her if she was sure as she was too drunk that night, and she said that although she was drunk she remembers all the details.

I confronted my husband, but he still kept on telling me that what he was telling was the truth, and Maria never liked him and was playing me for a fool. He was so angry at me that he left the house and is currently living in a hotel nearby. He keeps on calling me and asking me to trust him, but I don't know how I can trust him now. I never expected him to do such a thing. Maria has also been trying to talk to me and asking me to be there to support her. However, I do not know if I can look at either one of them.

I am just going to try and cope with the situation and plan to go and live with my parents for a few days until my husband and I agree about our future. I know you all thought I was crazy in the previous post, but I knew in my gut that something was wrong, and never expected my life to suddenly come to this point.

Relevant Comments

bansdonothing69:

If you’re looking for some honesty, have you noticed that your friend’s version of the story just so happens to make your husband look like the bad guy and her completely innocent and a victim? After her messaging that they should come clean and that she feels bad? Which one is it? Does she feel bad about what she did, or was just a victim? It smells of bullshit.

OOP:

The thing is I don't know what to believe. On one hand, I trust my husband. However, my mind just won't let go of the image of them hooking up that night and it haunts me like a nightmare.

How would I even know who is telling the truth? I am just going mad at this point trying to think of every small detail that I might be missing. I have told my husband I need some time, and he understands. However, he also asks how can he prove something that never happened.

Top Comment

Mariposita48:

You are conveniently believing Maria over your husband again... as others have mentioned it's odd that she'd thank him for a great night, but then claim to you that she was SA. Idk seems to me you'd rather believe the worst in your husband truth be damned

: March 22, 2024 (nine days later)

I posted about my husband and my best friend Maria having an affair. Although I did not have any solid proof that anything happened, my friend came clean and told me that my husband SA'ed her while she was drunk.

I initially did not know who to believe and thought my friend was telling the truth. My husband was upset that I did not trust him and left the house to stay at a hotel. After posting the update, I read the comments until 4 am and cried uncontrollably. I let my insecurities and crazy trust Maria when it was clear that my husband was telling the truth. Sorry for the long post. You helped me so much and might have saved my life. For the few people who DMed me vile messages, I am mentally unstable, but that does not mean I need to end my life.

I was not always insecure. When I met my husband a decade ago, we were both overweight. He never cared about my weight as long as I was happy. A year before we married, I had an idea where we lose weight before our wedding date. He took his fitness seriously and lost 40 pounds that year, while I was not disciplined and did not lose any. Our wedding photo looks like Ryan Reynolds is marrying Princess Fiona from Shrek. This made me insecure about my weight. It did not help that my mom and Maria kept on telling me that I needed to lose weight, or else he would leave me for someone more beautiful. The question in my mind was not if he would leave me, but when. He knows my struggles and has always been supportive and loving towards me.

I went to meet him in the morning, and I have never seen him so broken. I started apologizing and crying and he was trying to calm me down for almost an hour. I told him I trusted him completely and apologized that I did not see it sooner. He just looked stone-faced. He said he knew I would trust him eventually, but he is worried about Maria. He kept checking his social media because he was scared she might post about it. He said he could not imagine what his parents, friends, and coworkers would think if they saw the accusations. He told me that we need to talk to Maria to not spread such lies.

I told him in detail what Maria told me, and he told me what happened that night. He said that I fell asleep on his lap around 1.30 am. He woke me up and took me to the bedroom. He came out to say goodbye to everyone, but the party was already dying. My husband was not drunk (he generally never drinks more than 1-2 drinks ever), but Maria and her friends were very drunk. Maria wanted to take some final pictures and went to everyone and made silly poses. That was the photo she sent to my husband. She asked my husband if he could come with her to the bedroom to get some blankets and pillows for others. My husband told her he needed to check on me, and the other male coworker volunteered to go with her and get stuff. My husband then came to the room and slept. He woke up 2 hours later and went to the restroom. He confirmed that he heard the moaning noises, but they had stopped when he came out of the restroom.

We decided to talk to Maria and I invited her to our house on Saturday evening. She was shocked to see my husband with me in the house. My husband told her that she knew what she was saying was wrong and he still had the messages where she thanked him the next day. Maria got defensive and started telling me that she blacked out that night, but later slowly started to put together what happened that night since she was naked when she woke up. She asked me why she would sleep naked without locking the room door when her coworkers were in the next room. She said that she remembers my husband coming to her room and having sex with her, while she was extremely drunk. My husband told Maria that none of this happened, and she kept on insisting that she clearly remembered him naked and having sex with her. He told her, if that was true, tell me how big his penis was. She was taken aback and shouted to him, just because it was huge does not mean I enjoyed the sex, and that she was extremely drunk. I asked Maria if she was sure and she said she would never forget it.

The thing is my husband is noticeably smaller than average in that area. I am not complaining as he always gets the job done, but I knew Maria was full of shit. A screaming match began between Maria and me and I told her she was full of shit and to get out of my house. I told her that if she accused my husband, I would stand by him and tell everyone I was in the next room, and none of this happened. Maria was crying at this moment and told me to enjoy my life with a rapist.

I hugged my husband, but he still looked void of any emotions. He told me not to freak out but he had planned to visit his parents' house to reset his head before I talked to him. I wanted to be with him, but he insisted he wanted to be alone for a week and will be back on Saturday. He also called my mom to come to our house, so I am not alone. We told her what happened, and she was very angry at me. I have been talking to him all week on phone, and he plans to return tomorrow. I feel lucky and undeserving of such a good husband and cannot believe I was so close to losing him. I have not heard from Maria, but at this point, our friendship is over.

Again thanks to everyone who sent well-meaning messages to me all through the week. I truly appreciate it. I have signed up for therapy this week and hopefully will be able to be a better wife to my husband forever.

----NEW UPDATE----

: July 11, 2024

4 months ago regarding my friend Maria falsely accusing my husband of sleeping with her and calling it SA because she was too drunk that night. I received a lot of messages today morning asking what happened (not sure why). So, I will just briefly write what happened here instead of replying to everyone.

My husband left the house to be with his parents the day after I wrote the post. I became really paranoid after reading all the comments that he may never come back. He assured me that he will be back soon, but I just became paranoid and went there. We had a lot of heart-to-heart discussions, and he told me how hurt he was that I chose to listen to Maria instead of backing him up. I told him how I made a terrible mistake and I would never doubt him again. We came back home after a week.

After coming home, my husband and I still kept on talking about the incident. Maria went no contact with us for a week, and then suddenly started calling me and messaging me if she could meet me. I had decided to cut her off from our lives. However, my husband told me that there is a very high chance that her co-worker might have SAed her and she did not remember things correctly. We discussed it, but my husband insisted that I should at least hear her side before deciding to break friendship with her. He also told me that she was not welcome in our house anymore and he will never forgive her. He suggested that I should meet her in a public place. I agreed and called Maria to meet at a coffee shop one evening.

Maria cried a lot and apologized to me for the whole thing. She said that she was very drunk by the end of the night. She remembered me passing out on sofa and my husband taking me to the room. She also remembered asking my husband for help with getting some stuff from the bedroom. She said that she woke up naked and could feel she had sex. She has memories of my husband having sex with her. However, after our fight, she started thinking if they were just drunken false memories. The only other guy in the house was her coworker. She confronted him and he told her the truth what happened. According to him, he came to her bedroom to get the pillows and bedding. Maria kissed him and they made out. After everyone went to sleep, her coworker went back to her room after an hour and hey had sex. Her coworker told her that she asked him to come to her room after everyone is asleep and that is why he went back. He also told her that she was awake when he went to her room, she was the one who initiated everything. Maria did not say anything to him in the morning or talk about it afterwards. He felt that Maria wanted to just drunken hook up was uncomfortable talking about it later.

Maria was very apologetic and told me that she was very drunk, and her mind just convinced her that my husband was with her that night. I asked Maria if she likes my husband and if she really meant to kiss my husband that night. She told me that she would never do that to me. She told me that she felt so guilty about the whole thing and also messaged my husband to confess everything to me. She says that if she liked my husband, why would she ask him to confess everything to me instead of just carrying on with the affair secretly. She said that she likes my husband as a friend but would never dare to do anything that would cause me pain. I feel her story makes sense.

I told my husband about what happened. He also felt that it made sense that it was the coworker who went to her room that night, and as he was the same height and build as my husband, she might have constructed the false memories in her mind. He told me that I could be friends with Maria as it was my choice, but he can never forget the hell she put him through for those two weeks, that almost cost us our marriage. He said that he forgives Maria but will never forget what she did. Maria called him on phone to apologize, and he told her he forgives her. However, he also told me that he will never interact with Maria without me being present.

Maria started dating that coworker after the incident for few months, but he cheated on her and now Maria is single again. I was her shoulder to cry on after she broke up with him and I felt that brought us back closer. She is so beautiful but has the worst luck with men.

I signed up for therapy myself and am really working on my low self-esteem and anxiety issues. I have also lost a lot of weight in the last three months, and it has helped my mental health tremendously. I still have a long way to go, but my husband's unconditional love for me does give me confidence that I must be doing something right.

I also felt bad commenting about my husband's private parts in the last post. All I can say is he is more than enough for me, and I love him a lot and would never change anything about him. The silver lining is I know Maria is a blabbermouth and must have told all my friends about it. My husband is a very handsome man, and I was always worried about my friends hitting on him. However, I feel now they will be less keen to flirt with him.

Again, I know I am not perfect, and I am working really hard to improve myself. Please do not send offensive DMs to me or tell me that I do not deserve love from my husband.

Relevant Comments

OOP on the conversations Maria told her about between the co-worker and herself

OOP: Yaa. That was weird to me too. She described she was too drunk to remember anything, but believed her coworker when he told her that she initiated everything. However, it's her life. She has the worst taste in guys and always dates sleezy guys.

Commenter: Maria sounds a little toxic and I think sometimes friendship should just end. It’s not anyone’s fault but personally I wouldn’t put my husband in that position. Yes he said he was okay with it but he shouldn’t have to be okay with you keeping a relationship with someone who falsely accused him.

OOP: Yes. My husband does not hang out with Maria in gym or other places anymore. Infact he has only seen her once in person at my parent's place where Maria was also invited. I also avoided her for a while but felt bad for her after her coworker cheated on her.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is / posting in r/relationship_advice

Trigger Warning: Abuse

1 update - Medium

- June 15th 2024

- July 16th 2024

How do I (25F) break up with him? (29M)

So I have been dating we'll call Jake for about 6 months now and I realise I need to break up with him but I'm honestly a little scared.

For context we are long distance, about 3 and half hour train journey for me and Jake drives so about a 1 and half drive for him but he has never come to see me not once. Also the other stuff that is making me want to break up with him, all of this stuff happened 4 months up until yesterday and I'll list them in the order that happened.

• We had an argument, it got pretty heated but I never swore at him, he sent me a long paragraph calling me every swear/cuss he could think of and when we talked it out after he didn't apologise and just said "I wouldn't have said any of that if you weren't such a dick to me"

• He got me a few expensive things and then throws them in my face in arguments as a way of saying "if I was actually x then why did I buy you all that". I tried to give them back and he wouldn't take them

• 4 months in, I was staying at his and I declined sex so he was a bit grumpy but he's always been respectful of my no. He made a "Joke" that I should sleep on the floor, I thought he was joking so I laughed and he kept saying it's his house, I'm a guest I should sleep on the floor.

I didn't sleep on the floor, I got into bed and we went to sleep but he kept bringing it up the next morning and kept going back and forth between it was just a joke to he wasn't joking. If I asked to explain what was so funny about that joke he would say it wasn't a joke and then when I would say okay why did he think it was okay to treat me like that he would go back to saying I'm sensitive and it was just a joke.

-He once told me that I'm too naive because of my age and I'm not street smart

• A month ago we were video calling and we hadn't seen each other in a month. He asked for me to send him some nudes, I've never sent nudes in any of my relationships and he knew this so I said no. He then asked if I could show him my naked body on video call, I said no. He said he was frustrated and I said I understand but I'm uncomfortable with those things and he knows it. He then got pretty angry and said if I'm just going to waste his time and show him nothing then we can hang up and just go to bed instead and then hanged up.

Outside of all those instances he's a sweet guy, he treats me well and is respectful. Sometimes his anger gets the best of him but he never abused me in any way. At most he's just cussed me out, said a few hurtful things but then almost always apologises later.

One other thing why I'm asking how to break up with him is that he suffers with depression (I do too but I'm on medication). He doesn't believe in medication, counselling or therapy and since I've known him he has said that I am the only thing that brings him happiness and keeps him going. When I bring up him getting help, he says he doesn't need/want it because he has me.

I was thinking of breaknup with him in the middle of the night when I know he's asleep and then blocking him everywhere because I don't want him to call me or to pick apart my message and convince me to stay. I don't want him to get mad and call me every name under the sun and just be horrible. I also don't want him to spiral out and tell me he will kill himself if I leave so I think the safest option is to do it when he's not awake.

How should I break up with him? By doing it my way I'm taking away his chance at closure and I feel bad because just the other day he ordered a nice care package to my house and I feel guilty that he's giving me all this stuff and I'm going to break up with him

Relevant Comments:

Freddibed

This is an abusive relationship. All abusers are sweet and reasonable sometimes, that's how they make people stay. If you feel scared and you worry about suicide threats, you are in an abusive relationship.

Start by telling your friends and family all this. Then just break up with him, don't give him any reason, just that you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. If you need to block him because you don't trust your ability to commit to your choice, block him.

BeccaBug67

Please listen to all these people. Every single thing he's done (either mean or sweet) has been with the goal of manipulating you. He's bad, bad news. Break up with him and block him. Breaking up is not a negotiation. If you feel guilty about the gifts, either send them back to him, or donate them to charity. If you think he might kill himself (he won't) call his family or the police and tell them that, and then you're done. You're not responsible for him, no matter what he wants you to think.

Update: How do I (25f) break up with him? (29m) - 1 Month Later

So i posted on here about a month go seeking some advice on how to break up with my bf Jake. Tldr is at the bottom

I didn't get many comments but the ones I did get were really helpful. I read the book "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and It was honestly shocking to think I'm in an abusive relationship. Once I read more, I kept find more and more things I could relate to and I could not see past it.

However, I'm sad to say that even after reading that book I still didn't leave Jake right away.

I stayed up until last week. I stopped allowing Jake to monopolise on all of my time and started hanging out more with my friends. Which caused a lot of arguments with Jake as the time together decreased to what I would think was a healthy amount. I remember in one argument he said to me "I let you see your friends more than enough times and you haven't seen me in over a week". Which he empathised the let part multiple times.

The real turning point was last week, I didn't want to throw our relationship away over just that and Jake said he could feel we were distancing so he said let's have a weekend away together. I agreed and in the back my head I was like if he does anything or shows any signs I'm out.

Well the weekend was hell. Jake would spend the morning up until about 5pm belittling me, critiquing me, getting aggressive and in my face about small things, flying off the handle and I was basically walking on eggshells to try and keep him happy. Then after 5pm it was like a switch would flip, I was his "baby" his "darling", he loved me so much and can "you imagine the house we would live in together".

He would never bring up his early mood and how he treated me, he never apologised but when he would say this stuff after breaking me down it made me want to vomit. It just felt so fake to me. He could tell it wasn't working on me so he started resulting to just saying how he wants to dissappear, play the victim and tell me that me ignoring him early (when he was belittling me) was so mean and that he's so nice to me and I treat him like shit.

This went on for 3 days. On the 2nd day, I had an anxiety attack. It was too much, I couldn't walk on eggshells around him anymore and I felt so unsafe with him. I ended up breaking down in front of him and instead of comforting me, he got pissed off and rolled his eyes and said "I'm not sure why you're crying, just stop already" and then stormed off.

When the 5pm switch flip happened and I tried to bring up how I was feeling to him, he would tell me to shut up and stop talking about that and then in the same breath start saying how much he loves me and that he's always here for me and I'm his forever. Anything I said to contradict what he was saying was met with a glare and him calling me mean.

However on the 3rd day, in one of jakes flying off the handle moments I casually mentioned that my friends knew where I was and have my location. He looked surprised and asked me why and I gave a very vague answer but he mellowed out after that.

After the trip, I broke up with him and blocked him. He did reach out as I was blocking him everywhere to basically tell me how I distanced myself on the trip when he was trying to reconnect us and that it's my fault that I'm breaking up with him? Which made no sense but I blocked and never responded.

TL;DR: He got worse, we broke up.

Comments:

Puzzleheaded-Ear858w

Good for you!

Sometimes his anger gets the best of him but he never abused me in any way. At most he's just cussed me out, said a few hurtful things but then almost always apologises later.

In the future, know it's never okay to cuss someone out in a relationship. It doesn't matter if they apologize later or not. The second someone does this, block them like you did to Jake. No good partner insults and hurts their partner, ever. Abusers do.

RandomStoddard

Glad you are free. Just keep an eye out and make sure that if he suddenly stops by to see you and talk, don’t let him in. He sounds like the sort of guy who may not respond well to being rejected.

I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP.

**I am NOT OP. The OPs of this story are and .**

Trigger Warnings Favoritism.

Mood Spoilers: It turns out pretty wholesome.

, Posted July 11th, 2024 4:48 AM GMT + 12 by .

I (15M) have an older sister (16F). Although we’re only a year and a half apart, we’re completely different. I’m very social and have never had trouble making friends. I love going out and playing sports. I hate studying but despite that, I do well in school and even though I’m considered the “class clown,” most teachers seem to like me.

My sister, on the other hand, is VERY shy and introverted. She loves reading and studying, and she’s one of the top students in her class with a 4.0 GPA. She has a small group of friends but she almost never goes out with them. She just likes to stay in her room.

Growing up, my sister was always jealous of me, always saying that our mom preferred me over her. Whenever we brought this up, our mom reassured us that she loved us equally. Mom always told me to ignore my sister’s comments, saying she was just jealous of me.

Recently, our mom took both of us to a clinic for a comprehensive psychological evaluation. This was mainly because my sister was stressed about what she’s going to study in college, and mom thought it would be good for me too. The evaluation included an IQ test, personality test, spatial vision test, memory test, and others. My sister outperformed me in almost every aspect. She has an IQ of fucking 140, (mine is 122). The only test I scored slightly better in was the memory test.

I always thought I was smarter than my sister because I hardly study and still do well in school, while she works much harder for slightly better grades. My mom was also surprised by my sister’s results. We thought we didn’t know she was that smart since she’s very quiet, so it’s harder to measure.

However, last weekend we watched some old home videos, and I was shocked. Almost every video featured me—singing, dancing, talking to the camera—while there were hardly any of my sister. My mom said it was because my sister didn’t like being in front of the camera, but she was only 1-4 years old in these videos. I also had six big birthday parties growing up, while my sister had only three, despite being older. There’s even no video of her middle school graduation, just a few photos. I started to think and there is a lot of examples of my mom favoring me over my sister.

Now, I’m questioning everything. I feel embarrassed and don’t want to talk to anyone I know about this. I also don’t want to admit to my sister that she might have been right all along because I’m afraid she’ll become insufferable.

Relevant Comments:

Your sister isn’t likely to become insufferable, but she may feel validated. You have to ask yourself if the roles were reversed how would you feel? Perhaps your sister isn’t shy, but was given unspoken messages that she is not interesting or worthy of attention. That would make anyone introverted and have a hard time making friends.

You don’t have to atone for your mother’s behavior, but you should make it a point to not allow it. Your mother saying your sister is “jealous” of you is terrible messaging and problematic parenting.

Your sister is a human being. She’s only going to be living under the same roof for a short time longer. It would be sad to let things continue as is and potentially miss out on a good relationship with your sibling.

I love my sister, but she’s already a bit insufferable. Whenever I do something and mom recognizes or compliments me, my sister insists it’s not because I deserve it, but because I’m the golden kid. I never asked for my mom to treat us differently. If I could wave a wand and make her treat us equally, I would do it. Instantly.

I’m worried that validating my sister’s feelings will make her behavior even worse, and I’m already tired of it (and yes, I already talked to her about this, she just rolled her eyes). My mom should recognize and compliment her more, rather than me less.

I know I have to talk to her about my realization. I wrote in the post that I don’t want to admit it to her, because that’s how I’m feeling. I have a good relationship with my sister, and I don’t want her to feel less loved or unworthy. I’ll try to talk with mom too, but I know she’ll just brush it off

Better now than never. Talk to your sister about it, be willing to hear what she says, even if it is uncomfortable. Family therapy is probably a good idea.

You are worried that she may be right about having been neglected and you are worried that she might become insufferable? Buddy, it sounds like she has been suffering. It comes down to what kind of person do you want to be. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? There are tons of posts here from the siblings of "golden children." Read them and think about how it must have been and still is for your sister. Do this now, because you may never get another chance.

Do you want to be haunted by these issues in 10 or 20 years? You got a wake up call, it is a second chance to do better.

I really love my sister, and I don’t what her to feel less loved or invalidated. But she is also not perfect. I am worried that she will become insufferable, because she already is (a little 🤏). If I get an acknowledgment/compliment from my mom, it’s never because I actually deserve it, it’s always just because mom loves me more/I’m the golden kid. I’m sick of this. I feel invalidated, like everything I do is not worthy of a compliment. My mom should treat her better and not me worse.

If she already does this now, I can only imagine how much worse it will be if I tell she was right all along. That is why I’m afraid of telling her. But I know I have to. I just hope she can understand that this is also not my fault

You sound a bit insufferable. Guess she is your sibling.

So what is the problem if she does become more insufferable for a while?

Maybe if you start showing her that you actually respect her and use your words you could build an amazing sibling bond.

Your excuses for not even trying are insufferable.

Do you feel good being rude to a 15yo on the internet for no reason?

Maybe if you start showing her that you actually respect her and use your words you could build an amazing sibling bond.

How do you know what my relationship with my sister is? We actually have a great relationship. We play tennis and chess together, watch TV shows, and I go to her room to chat almost every day. But yes, sometimes she irritates me and sometimes I just want to throw her in the nearest trash can (and I’m sure she feels the same about me sometimes). That doesn’t mean I don’t love her or that we don’t have a good relationship.

I already mentioned in my comment that I know I need to talk to her, I was just explaining why I’m afraid to do so.

3 hours later:

Hi people, OP’s sister here 👋

My brother came to my room to talk to me and showed me this post he made about the situation. We are talking right now, but I just need to make this quick comment.

To all the people being mean to my brother: please stop it, he doesn’t deserve it. We have a good relationship, as he said in another comment. We play chess and tennis together (the only physical activity I actually like), and we are always watching something together (right now it’s The Boys). He also always pops into my room to talk (sometimes annoy me). I am not going to cut him (or my mom) off after college. Although he didn’t mention it in the post, I’m autistic, and I have a strong feeling this is the main reason why my mom treats us differently. But my brother has never made me feel bad for being autistic in any way, and he has helped me a looot with making friends and social interactions in general.

Matt, this is for you. I’m sorry that I made you feel invalidated before when mom treats you better. I know it’s not your fault, and I know I can be mean sometimes. I’m making this a public promise that I’ll not do this anymore. I loved that you came to talk to me. This is something that I have noticed since I can remember, and I’m really happy that you are now seeing this too.

Bye people

9 minutes later:

Hi sis 👋

I will pretend I have not seen you write this comment in front of me right now lol.

But I also want to make a public promise that I will call out mom whenever I notice she’s treating us differently. Also, if I don’t notice, you are allowed to point it out to me (IN A POLITE WAY), and I won’t be hurt by it and will talk to mom when I have a chance

**Reminder - I am Not OP.**

I am not OOP. OOP is

Original posted 6 hrs. ago in

AITA for refusing to go to my sisters wedding after she publicly humiliated my son?

A few months ago, my sister, let’s call her Jane, got engaged and started planning her wedding. Jane is 37 years old. Growing up, we were always close, sharing secrets and supporting each other through life's ups and downs. However, Jane has always had a tendency to be backhanded and passive-aggressive. She would make snide remarks under the guise of concern and often find subtle ways to belittle me or others. Despite this, I(34F) always tried to maintain a good relationship with her, believing that deep down she cared for me.

This all came to a head during a recent family gathering at Jane's house. My son, Liam, who is 7 years old, has a bladder issue that sometimes causes him to have accidents. We’ve been working with doctors and trying our best to manage it, but it’s a sensitive topic for him. During the gathering, Liam had an accident. He was embarrassed, and I was in the process of helping him clean up when Jane noticed.

Instead of being understanding or discreet, Jane loudly pointed it out in front of everyone. She said things like, “How disgusting!” and “At his age, this is unacceptable!” She even went as far as to say that Liam should be "ashamed of himself" and criticized me for not "getting him under control." Her comments made Liam burst into tears, and I quickly took him home to comfort him.

As I was gathering our things to leave, Jane came over, still clearly upset. She asked me why I was leaving.

I looked at her, trying to keep my voice calm for Liam’s sake. “Jane, I think it’s best if we go home. Liam is very upset right now.”

Jane rolled her eyes at me. “Oh, come on. It’s just an accident. He needs to learn how to handle these things better. You can’t just coddle him forever.”

My patience was wearing thin, but I tried to explain again. “Jane, Liam has a medical condition. We’re working with doctors, and it’s a sensitive issue for him. Your comments just now were really hurtful.”

“I was just telling the truth. He needs to toughen up. You’re not doing him any favors by babying him.”

At this point, I was furious but didn’t want to escalate the situation in front of Liam. I took a deep breath and said, “We’ll talk about this later, Jane. Right now, I need to take care of my son.”

Without waiting for a response, I gathered Liam and headed to the car. On the drive home, I couldn’t shake the image of Jane’s face and her harsh words. This wasn’t the first time she had made Liam feel bad about his condition. Each time, I had hoped she would understand and show some empathy, but it seemed like she was only getting worse.

The next day, I called Jane to talk about what had happened. This conversation is from what I can remember. I wanted to explain again, away from the heat of the moment, and hoped she would see reason. “Jane, about yesterday... I need you to understand how much your words hurt Liam. He’s already struggling, and your comments made him feel even worse.”

Instead of apologizing, Jane was very defensive. “I’m not going to apologize for telling the truth. You need to stop coddling him, and he needs to learn to deal with the real world.”

Her response was like a punch to the gut. I had hoped for some empathy, some understanding, but it was clear she wasn’t going to give it. “Jane, I don’t think you understand how serious this is. He has a medical condition. It’s not something he can just ‘toughen up’ from.”

She told me, “Look, I have a wedding to plan. I don’t have time for this drama.”

When Jane's wedding invitations went out, I received one, but I felt conflicted. On one hand, she's my sister, and it's a significant event in her life. On the other hand, I couldn’t forget how she humiliated my son and her refusal to apologize. After much thought, I decided to decline the invitation. I didn't feel comfortable celebrating with someone who had been so cruel to my child.

When Jane found out, she was livid. She accused me of trying to ruin her special day and called me "petty" and "overdramatic." Some family members sided with her, saying I should let it go for the sake of family harmony, while others understood my decision and supported me.

This wasn’t the first time Jane had done something like this. She has a history of making hurtful comments about Liam’s condition and generally lacks sensitivity when it comes to his medical issues. Each time, I've tried to address it calmly, hoping she would eventually understand and be more considerate. Unfortunately, she never changes, and her behavior continues to hurt my son.

Jane has been blowing up my phone, including other family members.

Now, I’m left questioning if I’m the asshole for refusing to go to my sister's wedding. I don't want to cause family drama, but I also feel strongly about standing up for my son. This wedding is just the latest incident in a long line of hurtful behavior from Jane, and I’m not sure how much more I can take.

So, AITA for refusing to go to my sisters wedding after she publicly humiliated my son?

Update posted 1 hr. ago in

Hi All, it has been a few hours since I made my first post. I wanted to say thank you for all the love going to my son, Liam. It truly means the world. I wanted to address some things.

• the reason I bring Liam to these gatherings is because he loves his cousins. He enjoys spending time with family.

• Liam doesn’t like wearing pull ups or diapers of any form. That is why I haven’t necessarily been using them.

Now, to further update.

I’ve talked to Liam about what happened. I told him that it wasn’t his fault at all, and that aunt Jane was being very rude and inconsiderate. I told him that he’s an amazing boy, and to never let anybody say otherwise. My son was very happy to hear this. He told me that what Jane had said to him hurt his feelings a lot, and I completely understood.

I asked him if he wanted to continue to go to these family events. He said no. I fully supported his decision. My son comes first, and the comments have helped me realize that I’ve let Jane walk all over me with the fear of causing a tear in the family.

Now, I am going little to no contact with Jane. I’ll send her the occasional holiday message, but that’s it. I cannot be around someone who hurts my son.

I felt as if I had failed as a mom, and the comments have truly opened my eyes, so thank you all.

As for the people in my family who support my sister, I have blocked them all. I refuse to allow people who agree with her mentality to be involved in my son’s life.

I love my son with all my heart, and I would do anything for that little guy.

I think that I should’ve put a stop to it sooner, and I regret not doing that. However I know that I can be a better mom, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I messaged the family that was contacting me in a mass group chat, and I told them that we would no longer be coming to any family events. If they wanted to see my son, they would have to come individually, or the event would have to be hosted by me. I also told them that my sister’s behavior needs to be fixed, because that was the reason our family is being torn apart. Not because I’m not going to her wedding, but because she decided to make fun of MY child.

My mother is on my side, and fully supports my decision. My father is still stuck in the middle, and for that I think I should go low contact with him too.

I’m going to keep in touch with you all, and keep the updates coming whenever I can. All I know is that even if she gives my son the apology he deserves, I want nothing to do with her. I don’t want her around my son.

Do send me a dm.

if anyone says shit...

to that shows a bicyclist riding on the left side of a path approaching a pedestrian filming and saying she's not going to move. They collide, it's awesome, some commenters go against the grain and think the walker is in the wrong and should've moved.