DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: hostilty

mood spoilers: kinda hopeful?

- Dec. 17,2017

Using a throwaway just for privacy reasons. Sorry if this gets long at all.

My sister is a lesbian, and married her wife a year ago. They receive financial support from my parents (they're wealthy, and generous), have good jobs, and as such, have decided to have a baby. Currently, her wife is about six months pregnant, and the two of them are visiting for holidays. I'm in college, so I don't see them very often (yes, my parents give me financial support as well- everything is fair and square), but I'm really excited for their baby. My sister and her wife had been dating since their senior year of college, and were friends since childhood before that. I'm 7 years younger, so I was kind of left out of the loop. I never knew my sister's wife until they got married, and even then, I was swamped with my first year of college, so I didn't really ever get to know her. I was really excited though for this trip, since we'd get some one-on-one time together!

Our parents live about two hours away from my sister and her wife, and I flew in from across the country. We're all staying with our parents, who are not yet retired. My flight got in yesterday late at night, so I slept in. My parents went to work, my sister went to go do some shopping. My sister-in-law stayed in with me, but I didn't realize she was around until she came downstairs while I was making lunch. She's pretty obviously pregnant, and I haven't seen her since her wedding- so I was really excited to see her. She was not. I said hi, and went to hug her, and she backed away. I apologized, and she just kinda looked at me weird, and went looking through the fridge.

I tried to make small talk with her, so I asked when she was due. She gave me a really weird look, like I'd asked what her cup size was, and then just said March and kept making her food. I said I was really excited to have a niece or nephew, then asked if she wanted a boy or girl. She sighed really loudly, said she didn't care, and moved on. My sister had mentioned that her wife had PTSD due to a previous pregnancy, so I worried that might've been it. I tried to shift the subject, and asked how her work was. She set her knife down really loudly, stared at me for thirty seconds, then said "fine" and went into the dining room without saying anything else.

Throughout the day, I kept just trying to interact with her. Offered to get her a drink while I was in the room, she just muttered no, asked what she was watching, "you wouldn't know it" (it was the Simpsons), said I was really glad she was spending the holidays with us, a very begrudging "yeah." Really, I thought this must just be how she is. Then, my parents and sister came home, and she was super cheery and nice to them. My dad was asking if they had names picked out, and she just wouldn't stop chattering on. My sister said she wanted a family name, and her wife insisted on a unique name. My mom pointed out that my name (Anais) isn't very common, but it's also a family name (same as my grandmother), and they should consider it. I said I wouldn't mind having a niece with my same name, and my sister was really enthusiastic about it. Her wife gave me a death glare.

I just ended up getting the silent treatment! At dinner, I asked if she would pass the potatoes, and she didn't listen. I repeated myself, she ignored me, and then my sister told her I had asked for her to pass the potatoes. Suddenly, she was all bubbly and giggling "guess I didn't hear!"

What do I do? Should I tell my sister? Directly challenge her? I have very positive relationships with my parents and my sister, and I want to be really involved with my niece/nephew, so I really don't want to go 100% no contact or anything. How can I try to resolve or at least get over this?

TLDR: My sister's pregnant wife is weirdly cold and kind of short with me. What to do?

UPDATE (as of this morning): So, we all had breakfast together. I sat across from my sister, between my parents, with my SIL kitty corner to me. My SIL actually SPOKE TO ME!! But it wasn't all that positive. She asked if I was seeing anyone, in kind of a snarky tone. I said no, school was really busy, I just didn't have time, etc. She responded, "Well, not everyone finds someone." My sister tried changing the subject, asking my parents whether or not they'd gone to their winter home yet (they're those rich people). My SIL was so nice to them. She was saying what a gorgeous house it is, how grateful she was to have been able to take a vacation there with my sister last month. My mom is easily flattered, so once my SIL got started, she started gushing about her, and it was just a mush fest.

After breakfast, I offered to go take our dogs for a walk. When I came back, my parents had left with my sister to go shopping again, and my SIL was the only one home. She asked me how I was liking college, and I said I was liking it a lot. I major in pre-dental, started talking about it a bit, and she rolled her eyes. I apologized for oversharing, and she said, "No. It's fine. You just have a problem with reading the room, I guess." Then, she walked away. When my sister comes home, I'm definitely going to tell her about it.

OOP clarified why SIL may not like her:

There was one thing I might be able to think of in terms of her wedding- it was initially scheduled on the day of my finals (this was prior to invitations being produced/mailed, just their idea), so I called my sister to tell her I either wouldn't make it, or the date would have to be changed. She was really upset about it, because she and her wife had wanted a winter wedding, the date seemed perfect for them, etc. I said they didn't have to sacrifice the winter aspect, just maybe move it a day back. There was a kind of big fight, and I can assume my SIL got in on it, but my sister is the kind of person who likes to be liked (think of her as a human golden retriever), and she didn't want to be mad at me, so we worked through it. Her wedding ended up being the day after my finals, which I was grateful for, and there's been no resentment or hard feelings since. My sister actually laughs at herself for being kind of an ass. Her choice quote from that time was: "You just don't have to go. It's just a test."

I was my sister's MOH, and I didn't see much of my SIL prior to the wedding. She'd gotten food poisoning from her bachelorette party, so she was kind of holed up for the majority of the pre-wedding hubbub. During the reception, I made a toast, talked about my sister and her wife's friendship, how we've just been waiting for the two of them to get married, they're a match made in heaven, etc. etc. She teared up, gave me a big hug, and said she was excited to be my sister-in-law. I wanted to talk more with her, but some relatives wanted to ask me why I chose the college I did, so I went to go talk to them.

I'm probably going to bring this up with my sister either today, or tomorrow. It all depends on what my SIL is up to.

- Dec. 20, 2017

So, I didn't get the chance to talk to my sister. When my parents came back from shopping with my sister, my mom started saying how she had the perfect onesie for her granddaughter. Before my SIL could start gushing, I asked what my mom meant. She asked if I hadn't heard I'd be having a niece, and I replied I hadn't. My sister said it was weird, because she'd asked her wife to tell me once they'd gotten the ultrasound. Her wife had zero excuse, and had the most deer-in-the-headlights reaction. There was something that just sort of snapped, and I started crying. I felt kind of spoiled and horrible for it, so I apologized, and went upstairs with the dogs. My parents came upstairs, and my mom went to go ask if I was okay, and my sister and her wife started shouting downstairs.

My mom basically said that my SIL does not like me, and that it wasn't really my fault- she's just bad with people she doesn't know, and took it out on me inappropriately. And yes, my SIL was still pissed about the wedding date thing, which just made it worse. I felt really shitty and just... Just like really bad? Part of it wasn't my fault, but part of it was my fault. And apparently my sister knew about both issues beforehand, and had given my SIL directions to try and get along with me. They were still shouting downstairs, and I was kind of bordering on a meltdown, so I asked my mom if we could take the dogs for another walk. We went out the back, and when we came home, my sister had left the house to cool down, and her wife was upstairs.

I spent most of the rest of the day downstairs, until my sister came home. She had obviously been crying, and was in a bad mood. My mom took her into the kitchen to try and calm her down, so I kept sitting in the living room. I felt like a bratty little kid again. Like, I genuinely felt like I'd fucked up my sister's marriage and probably ruined our relationship in the process too. Everything just felt awful, and when my sister came out of the kitchen, she didn't even look at me, just went storming back upstairs. Her wife started yelling first, and they were fighting for a while before it got quieter upstairs. My mom, dad, and I went out for dinner, and when we came home, my SIL was waiting for us.

My SIL apologized to me, saying she had been petty and rude, and that the wedding date thing had been a non-issue. I said it was okay if she was upset about the wedding thing, but I wish she had let me know. She said it wasn't that easy, since my sister would basically take a bullet for me, and it had caused them a big fight before their wedding. I said I had no idea, and that I was sorry to be the source of that tension, and I just wanted to be able to be a good sister-in-law myself, and be a good aunt. My SIL got angry, and said I had ruined the opportunity for the first one, and she wasn't banking on the second one. Then, she stormed upstairs, and she and my sister got into another big fight.

I felt awful. The bad feelings manifested physically, and I spent most of the night throwing up while my sister and her wife fought. My mom was really kind to stay up with me, and my dad tried to get my sister and her wife to get off each other's backs. I specifically heard my SIL shouting, "Who would you jump in front of a train for? Me, or her?" And my sister responded, without missing a beat, "My sister, no questions asked." They got quieter after that, and my SIL started up the screaming about an hour later saying, "I'd let all my siblings die for you."

My sister slept on the couch, and the two of us went out for breakfast in the morning. She basically said that after my SIL gave birth, she and my sister were going to separate. They would try counseling prior to the birth, and afterwards too, but if things weren't getting better, they'd be divorcing. I said that it shouldn't have gotten that far, and I was sorry for pushing the both of them. My sister said that my SIL does this to all my sister's friends, and they've been fighting often. But, she clarified that the way she treated me was a dealbreaker. She said it might've sounded sad, but I was her best friend from birth, and she wouldn't let me not feel welcome like that. I felt really guilty, and started crying again. She kept saying she wanted it this way, their relationship was broken as is, etc.

It's been tense and awkward ever since. My SIL won't look at me or speak to me, and I've given up. My sister has been by my side a lot, and has amped up the good sister behavior 10x. I feel like shit, everything is really terrible, and I'm sure I'm going to be making another post during the actual Christmas bullshit. Not a great update, but there we are!

TL;DR: My sister and her wife are separating because of my SIL's behavior towards me.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not OOP. OOP is they posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

June 28, 2024

All names are fake.

I (48M) have been dating my girlfriend Kelly (50F) for nearly two years. We are currently on vacation with her son Ryan (23M) and his girlfriend Emily (23F), as well as my sister, BIL, niece, and her boyfriend.

To preface this, I know Ryan very well. I’ve known him for nearly a decade now, I was his coach in high school and we grew very, very close. He is practically a son to me. He’s also been dating Emily since high school.

When we were planning this trip Kelly said that Ryan wasn’t allowed to share a room with Emily. I thought she was joking, but she was not. I know Ryan is sexually active, and I’ve known by word of his mouth since he was a teenager. I said fine, and the technical plans were that Ryan and my niece’s boyfriend would share a room, and my niece and Emily would share a room. Obviously that room arrangement wasn’t going to last.

Everyone was fine with the technical room arrangement, the girls even had a “slumber party” one of the first nights. Ryan picked up that this was just to appease Kelly. I handed him his keys and said “give the second one to whoever” and he immediately gave it to Emily. My niece did the same in giving her spare key to her boyfriend. This is exactly what everyone thought would happen.

Anyway, somehow Ryan had left his wallet in our room last night. Instead of bringing it to him at breakfast or knocking on his door or even shooting him a text, Kelly used the key in it to walk into his room. She saw things she didn’t want to see.

To be fair, they weren’t having sex. What was described to me was that they were both nude, covered up at least on their bottom halves, but they were snuggled up and he was running his fingers on her back. This sounds like how most loving couples are after having sex.

She was in hysterics. She refused to come to breakfast. I told her that was fine but she wasn’t going to make this a big deal on our vacation. Emily very sweetly apologized to me and said she knows how Kelly can be, which frankly made me feel terrible.

When I went to retrieve Kelly from the room she was still in a mood. She expressed to me how upset she was and I told her be thankful all she saw was the snuggling and not the actual act. That made her really upset, and I told her she was overreacting. Ryan is an adult who has been with the same woman for years. She has confided in me before that she doesn’t like Emily, but frankly I’ve never seen her do anything wrong. She’s a bit punky and Ryan is a bit more preppy, but she’s a sweet person who cares deeply for Ryan and vice versa.

She called me every name in the book when I told her she was overreacting. She called him a child and accused me of taking Emily’s side over her. I’m genuinely concerned. I’ve even considered the possibility that she forgot to bring some mood regulating medication because I have never seen her act like this, and I’m being shunned by her for being an asshole. Currently we’re all sitting on the beach while Kelly mopes inside.

ETA: I wanted to add some relevant information that I see asked in the comments. So Ryan and Emily live together and have for I want to say five years. Ryan paid for his and Emily’s portion of this trip. When Kelly brought up them not sharing a room as I was booking it, I thought she was joking and just laughed. It wasn’t until we were checking in and I was passing out keycards that she reminded me of what she said, and at that point, instead of arguing about it in the lobby, I said fine and handed people their keys and told them to do whatever they want, I just wanted a drink and eat some fruit on the beach.

She is in therapy and is aware of her unhealthy attachment to her son. She does take medication(s?) for mood regulation, however I’m not sure if she currently has them.

I think that’s all for now, if I see anything else I will add it. I’m sorry I can’t get to all of the comments; there’s a lot of them, and I’m on vacation!

Relevant Comments:

superflex:

NTA. Yes she is overreacting. Ryan is far from being a child, he's a 23 year old man, and has been in a stable relationship for at least five years.

Your girlfriend shouldn't have even been trying to police them via the "room assignments" in the first place.

OOP:

Yeah, he is definitely not a child. They’ve been dating for closer to eight years if not mistaken.

I agree. It was a bit odd to me, and I suppose I should have questioned it more at the time as opposed to just shrugging it off.

ChanceAd3606:

NTA

Your girlfriend sounds kind of like a nutjob with no respect for her son. Hopefully this is a one-off thing, but considering Emily said "I know how Kelly can be," I am guessing it is not.

Hold firm on this one. Defend Ryan and Emily as much as you have to. They did nothing wrong and should feel zero guilt, embarrassment, or any other negative feeling for this.

OOP:

She’s usually pretty great, though she’s been cold albeit polite towards Emily for as long as I’ve been around. I’m not sure if something happened, but they don’t get along well.

With that being said I do think I’ll stick up for them on this one, I don’t think I’m going to waver. This was uncomfortable for them too, and I don’t want their time to be ruined because of it.

FardiaStino:

She returned the wallet that way so that she could “catch them” doing it and she could feel wronged and offended

OOP on if his girlfriend is overly attached to her son:

I don’t think she’s ever used the word stealing, but she did get in an argument with him maybe a year or so ago about how all he does is spend time with Emily. I can’t be certain though I doubt that argument was the first of it’s kind.

Ravenkelly:

It's called enmeshment. Go on over to justnomil and read the pinned reading resources

Amazing_Reality2980:

NTA Kelly sounds like the child in this situation, throwing a little temper fit because she isn't getting her way. Her son is an ADULT. He has sex. She needs to get over herself and let her adult son be an adult and make his own decisions. Kelly is controlling and obsessive and needs to stop because she is destroying her relationship with her son, and if he marries Emily, she's destroying her relationship with her future daughter inlaw. And what's going to happen when they have kids? Do you think Kelly is going to be welcomed into Emily's home to see her grandkids after Kelly treats her like a slut and pariah? Probably not.

June 30, 2024

The original post and this update are a bit long so I opted to write the update in a new post altogether. Apologies in advance for the lengthy post.

First and foremost, thank you to everyone who commented. I appreciated the helpful comments and was entertained by the less helpful ones. Even if I didn’t reply, I did read every single one.

Before I get started, there are a few things I wanted to clear up. I know Kelly is mentally ill, however in the nearly two years we’ve been together I never really noticed anything particularly concerning. Her relationship with Ryan has gotten a lot better both from what I can see and from what Ryan and I have talked about. As for her relationship with Emily, she was never particularly rude to her, but they’ve also never been close. Kelly is in regular therapy and is medicated for mood regulation.

Additionally, I am very, very careful when it comes to enabling behavior for anyone, including Kelly. The reason I took her comment about them staying in separate rooms as a joke is because I genuinely thought it was a joke. That was a ridiculous statement to make. I was sitting at my desk booking the rooms, she had made that comment, I chuckled, and then we started talking about something else. I had no reason to believe that she genuinely felt that way. When she reminded me of her rule in the hotel lobby, I looked at her like she was crazy. She didn’t make a scene, and frankly I was exhausted, so I just gave up and handed people the pairs of keycards and told them to do whatever they wanted, and within the hour I was asleep on the beach.

I spoke to Ryan before anyone else, apologizing on Kelly’s behalf. Since I’ve known him the longest of the young couple, I figured it’d be easier to talk to him. He was surprisingly understanding of the situation, and apologized back to me for starting this whole thing, which I let him know was a ridiculous thing to apologize for. Before I even had the chance, he himself brought up emotional incest, and said that that was something she was really bad about when he was a teenager and still needed to work on now that he was an adult out of the house. I spoke with Emily and the conversation went similarly. Ryan has always been very strict on his boundaries surrounding how his mother treats Emily, usually leaving her alone for a few days or weeks until she is able to be respectful towards her again. When I asked them both if they knew why Emily was disliked by Kelly, neither of them knew exactly. Emily did suggest that right before Ryan moved out, Kelly had walked in on them actually having sex. Her reaction was even more extreme than this one. They had just graduated high school, meaning Ryan was about 3 months from 19 and Emily was newly 18. This argument caused him to move in with Emily’s family, which according to Ryan was extremely tough for Kelly. That event practically thrust her into needing to deal with her attachment issues and trauma, because Ryan told her he would no longer be in contact with her unless she started going to therapy and working on herself.

The day of the post, Kelly was able to get an emergency appointment with her therapist. After that, she had calmed down significantly and I was able to actually talk to her. While the whole talk was far too personal for me to go into detail about, I want to talk about a few points. The first thing I asked was what the actual hell was going on. While her unhealthy attachment to her son is at play, she told me the situation was triggering and sent her spiraling, then referenced the circumstances regarding Ryan moving out, which we had never spoken about before. She has a lot of trauma surrounding being a single mother, and certainly has abandonment issues. Ryan’s father was a brief, few week fling who she thought would want to stay with her to raise a baby, and ended up leaving her alone.

I decided to ask her why she disliked Emily. At first she said it was because she was loud mouthed and had Ryan by the balls. I told her to rephrase in a more productive was and she said she was opinionated and Ryan would move mountains for her. While I do adore Emily, she is certainly opinionated, but very intelligent and extremely respectful and polite. Additionally, Ryan hangs off of every word she says; he has told me himself that she’s always the most interesting person in the room to him. That’s not to say that both of them are perfect, in fact I saw them bicker about a plate of fruit yesterday, but they are both great together. I told Kelly she should be proud that she raised a son that loves and appreciates his significant other so much that he has openly admitted that he would do anything for her. That lightened up her mood significantly.

Funny enough, her therapist suggested she to talk to her primary care doctor or OB/GYN about menopause, which was what another commenter suggested. Her therapist suggested her medication may need to be adjusted if that’s the case, as the extreme reaction was frankly out of character, and there have been other mood related issues she’s been dealing with.

Initially I was not going to ask about what medication she forgot. As someone who is on antidepressants, whenever I would express rational anger, some toxic people in my life would immediately dismiss it, claiming I haven’t taken my meds. I absolutely hate that. With that being said, I decided it was best for me to ask which medication she forgot. To no one’s shock, it was indeed a mood regulating medication. Her sister is joining us for the second week, so she will be bringing her medication.

Finally, Ryan and Emily had joined us in a conversation. It was filled with a lot of apologies, a little bit of tears, and a surprising amount of hugging. From what I gather this is not the first conversation of its kind between the three. One thing that was spoken about was how Kelly ended up with Ryan’s wallet in the first place. Ryan is not someone who forgets their wallet, or their keys, or phone, or any other personal item. There was a brief argument about whether or not Kelly took his wallet, but she denied this, and Emily suggested it just fell out of his pocket when he laid on the couch. The biggest topic of conversation was Kelly opening the door with no invitation. She was not able to give a rational reason for doing so, and finally agreed with Emily when she had said that Kelly just wanted to catch them off guard. Ryan also put Kelly in her place as far as boundaries go, which I have seen him to but before but am always impressed by, considering I remember when he felt like he had to just let his mom do whatever she wanted so that she was happy. Kelly accepted responsibility and spoke rather openly about her conversation with her therapist, which led to a lot of compassion and understanding from Ryan and Emily. Emily expressed her gratitude for Kelly accepting responsibility, and even suggested they get a drink together.

It was generally agreed upon that this entire situation was ridiculous, and that everyone just wanted to enjoy their vacation. Kelly finally gathered herself enough to join us all for our vacation. I feel at ease knowing I can finally, actually relax. Since then our days have been filled with drinks, beach, good food, and naps, and I couldn’t be happier.

Relevant Comments:

MiddleAged_BogWitch:

Very well handled OP, and props to everyone for talking it all out and moving through it.

yesimreadytorumble:

good on ryan for setting boundaries but i feel bad that he’s had to deal with an emotional incestuous mother his entire life, hope his therapy is helping him deal with that.

SinnerIxim:

Sounds like things ended relatively well, but I expect this will be a recurring issue for the foreseeable future, especially if she ever forgets her medications again.

The fact that she still dislikes Emily because:

1. She's opinionated just like Kelly

2. Ryan cares deeply for her

Is a pretty big indicator that the emotional incest is still extremely strong.

Based on your post it still doesn't seem like Kelly realizes the reason Ryan had to leave the house was because of how controlling/overbearing she was.

I would think that after 5 years of therapy (Ryan 18 to 23) that Kelly would be more in control of her actions and emotions related to Ryan and Emily.

SchwiftyRickD-42069:

“At first she said it was because she was loud mouthed and had Ryan by the balls. I told her to rephrase in a more productive was and she said she was opinionated and Ryan would move mountains for her.”

I love you for this right here. You seem like a very understanding and thoughtful dude. I feel like you handled this like a professional. No notes, keep being awesome my dude.

Edit: “I told Kelly she should be proud that she raised a son that loves and appreciates his significant other so much that he has openly admitted that he would do anything for her. That lightened up her mood significantly.“

God-tier diplomat

cantwin52:

“He has told me himself that she’s always the most interesting person in the room to him” is some sweet ass shit. Makes my eyes go glossy. She should definitely be proud of the man she’s raised, not battling it. But I get how difficult this situation can be. Glad to hear there’s been some levity and love spread through here. Makes my heart warm.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See Rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is  posting in r/TrueOffMyChest

2 Updates - Long

 - June 30, 2024

 - July 4th, 2024

- July 7th, 2024 (2h ago)

Status: ongoing

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional manipulation, (parent being competitive with their child?), potentially gooming.

Mood Spoiler: sad, infiuriating, gross, but there's a little hope for OOP

My little brother (3M) is actually my fiance's (25M) kid

Yes the title is f*cked up, I'm aware.

My fiance (25M) and myself (24F) have been together since we were 17/18 years old. Honestly he was always kind, handsome, funny and everyone used to say I was so lucky to have the whole package. I felt so lucky too. He always treated me with love and respect, so this makes everything just so shocking for me.

I have always had a good relationship with my mom, it has always been her and I against the world. My dad died in an accident when I was little. We always joked we are the real life Rory and Loreilai from Gilmore girls. My mom dated guys on and off and they were usually cool but nothing really passed the early stages.

Around 4 years ago my mom told me she was pregnant which was a HUGE surprise. My mom was around 42 years old and although she was sort of dating someone recently (didn't meet the guy but knew she went on dates) it still was a big shock. She never thought she could be pregnant at her age (she had me when she was super young - an opsie) and I can tell she was stressed and worried. I decided to support her, since she has always supported me and tried to reassure her. She then had my brother who is now (3 years old). I have a close relationship with my brother, I have helped taken care of him since he was born and I just love the little guy.

My fiance was also always helpful with my brother, we would take him out for ice cream, playground, pool time during summer, etc. But nothing was "weird", he was just my then bf spending time with my brother and I.

Now to the how I found out. My fiance and I live together since we finished College. My finace was not at home since he was hanging out with friends but I was home bc I didn't feel like going out and just wanted to chill on my sofa. At some point during bing watching a series on Netflix, my laptop died and I was too lazy to go get my charger, so I just took my fiance's ipad. I know the password but honestly never used it before. The ipad logged in and I got a bunch of messages pinging (I guess he hasn't used it in a while too?). Anyways, this got my attention and I went to check it out and ofc I found everything. My mom's number wasn't under her name but I recognized the number and verified it with my phone. She was telling him she felt guilty and that I should know. He said he also felt guilty but couldn't lose me and they f*cked it up. She said that it was unfair for my brother to never not know his dad, and that if he could live having his son around not behaving like a dad but a brother in law. I BROKE DOWN. WHAT THE ACTUAL F???

There werent a lot of older messages, just some photos stored of my brother as a newborn, my mom pregnant, and more photos of my brother growing up in an album.

I couldn't anymore. I cried for what it seem ages and I wait for my bf to come back home. I wish I was one of those women that can pretend and get things together before confronting the cheater but I can't.

He came back later that night (around 23:30) and I just gave him the ipad with the conversation opened and saw his face completely go pale. I asked for an explanation, when? how? why? and he didnt want to at first, but knew he had to. Apparently a few years back while I was traveling with some friends (girls trip) my fiance and mom had dinner together (this isnt strange since he has been part of the family for so long, sometimes mom and fiance would eat together at our place even if I was busy with sports or out - I did the same with his parents). Somehow (unclear how since he couldn't explain it well) one thing let to another and they ended up sleeping together. They felt guilty but apparently not guilty enough bc they slept together 2 -3 more times, using the excuse of meeting up to discuss how to tell me. Apparently when my mom got pregnant they stopped sleeping together and decided to not tell me, since my fiance "loved me and couldnt lose me" and my mom didnt wanna lose her daughter.

so here we are now, with two of the most degusting humans. I obviously broke the engagement, told my mom to never talk to me again and move in with a friend. I feel bad for my brother since I really love him, but I can't be around him now, I just can't. I feel like it would remind me of all those times we talked about having kids, I would be his baby mama, ONLY baby mama, we talked about this future since we were 17 years old, so I wanna puke everytime I think how I was actually talking care of HIS child with someone else, while still having those dreams. I wanna puke.

[RELEVANT COMMENTS]

Flynn_JM

When did this all happen? When were the texts from? If recent, it seems like they were probably still having a relationship and your mom wanted him to leave you to go play house with her. 

OOP: The messages I found were on different dates raging between 2 months-2 weeks before I found them in the ipad. I'm sure he deleted older ones. I feel like i dont have yet the whole picture, but I dont think i can hear more about it atm. I havent had a talk with my mom, I just sent her a text saying i knew and to not talk to me again or see me. She has tried texting and calling but I blocked her and now, no idea. Same with my fiance.

I'm afraid they will try to confront me in person somewhere around the city/work, etc. I dont think i can handle that yet

AvailableCriticism8

Young bro’s birthday, go back 9 months before to gauge when he was conceived and find out what age was your ex then. Younger than 18? Police is waiting for the call. Lawyer is waiting for a case. Good luck and im sorry

OOP: He was 20 ish, so no police and I don't think she groomed him.

abcixtwt

Your mother is truly the worst. She lied and kept lying to you all those years. I’d never be able to forgive her. How can someone do that to their own child?

OOP: Its weird to come to terms with the mom I knew, she was always loving and supportive and just a great mom...and now this person, who is just a disgusting human. I don't know, my thought are everywhere

Flynn_JM

Do you work a 9-5? Or shift work? Maybe ask if you can wfh or change shifts. 

Who do you feel more betrayed by? Or who would you more likely reconcile with?

OOP: I work 9-6pm in an office, I cant do remote work. If they want to find me, it's easy for them to do so. I have let know my closest co-workers if they see my mom or fiance around to let me know ASAP, so I can avoid them. But beyond that I'm not sure I have much control. My city isn't huge either, so I'm always on the look out now hoping to not run into them

Flynn_JM

How is the security of the building? Maybe you could talk to your manager and start a modified schedule? Come in 2 hours early or something like that?

Maybe change up your usual behaviors? Change gyms, salons, dr. Etc. 

OOP: Its a simple office with no security and street entrance. So, nothing fancy.
I feel now terrified to leave my friend's house in case I run into them. I just go to the supermarket (try to go to one further away) and work.

I'm looking into moving cities, but it isnt easy. But I dont see myself living like this forever.

Flynn_JM

When did the confrontation go down? Have you considered putting them on blast? If they are shunned, they are probably less likely to come find you. Right now,  it's all about damage control but if you blow up their reputations, there is nothing to fix. 

OOP: It was last Friday. My friend keeps telling I should blast them and tell everyone, but I guess I'm ashamed and still trying to process. I'm afraid it will be more overwhelming with everyone asking questions and talking about it. But I feel like maybe is also a mistake to wait too long to tell others. I dont know, I'm just really overwhelmed. I just feel like crying every hour and not face anything.

MaryEFriendly

What the actual fuck. 

How anyone could do this to their own child is just beyond me. You have to wonder if she had been grooming him from a young age. 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What did your whore of a mother have to say for herself??

OOP: I don't know. I didn't read her messages and then I blocked her. Just thinking about hearing her out gives me a panic feeling. I know I might have to eventually but right now I can't

Ha1rBall

I asked this in another thread earlier today, but what is with everyone rawdogging when they cheat? It boggles my mind.

OOP: I imagined she thought she was too old to get pregnant and the chances were low to none. I cant confirm but this is what I assume. She told me before "honey, it would take a miracle for me to get another kid" & my fiance was always hating on condoms, I was always on the pill

wrenwynn

So your mom at 42yo slept with your then 22yo boyfriend multiple times, got pregnant by him, kept the baby & never told you who the father was even after you got engaged? Yikes on all the bikes. I'm so sorry honey, that's an incredible betrayal on every front.

OOP: I asked her who the dad was when she broke the news to me, but she said it was a guy she was casually dating and he wanted nothing to do with the baby. I should have questioned more back in that time, but I just never thought the reality would be this... not in a million years.

Substantial-Spare501

This is so fucked up. Your mom should have had an abortion. I don’t see any way around this for you other than breaking up and creating your own new life. You can do this; you deserve better.

OOP: The fucked up part is that she actually consider aborting the baby, but I reassure her that if she wanted to keep it I would be there to support, and she wouldnt be alone. She was apparently reassured by this and decided to keep it. I wanna hit myself and go back in time... maybe if I should have been less supportive... but then I cant imagine my little brother not alive, but at the same time... I wish he wasn't. Im a mess.

AlternativePrior9559

I’m so so sorry OP for this devastating double betrayal. I’m not surprised you feel sick to your stomach as the two people you loved most in the world have stabbed you in the back and lied about it.

You had/have no choice but to cut contact and keep it cut, as neither of them have your best interests at heart and there are zero excuses for what they did. Zero. Shame on both of them.

How have they both reacted? I assume a barrage of apologies and begging followed your discovery? Are you able to get some individual counselling? This is too much emotional grief to carry alone.

Sending you strength and courage

OOP: Mom texted me a few times and called me when she saw my text saying i knew. I didnt see her messages so no idea what they said. Fiance was "destroyed" by losing me supposedly and said "nothing has to change" and that we can cut contact with my mom and he wont see her again. I said absolutely no and that i needed to go, packed a bag and left.

They havent tried to see me in person yet... part of me wishes they would fight harder to keep me in their lives but part of me cant handle seeing them in person.

[UPDATE - ADD SOME PARAGRAPHS TO MAKE EASIER TO READ]

First I want to thank everyone for the nice messages and comments. I was not expecting so much support. I'm still a mess not gonna lie, but after reading the comments I felt better, like a therapy mini session, so again thank you all.

To the update. As I was afraid I was indeed confronted near my office this week. I knew this was coming but thought maybe I had more time. My ex was the person to come find me. Yesterday (wedn) after finishing work and walking to where my car was parked my ex was sort of lingering waiting around. I thought about running not gonna lie, but I guess in the moment I felt "strong" enough to get over with it, instead of having that hanging above my head waiting to be approached again.

He asked if we could talk and I said yes, but I didn't feel like having that conversation over coffee like we were old friends, it felt ridiculous so I told him to just talk right there (we were in the streets but somehow it wasn't crowed, but also not completely lonely - felt right). He basically said sorry 100 times, and that I deserved better ( I agreed). He said he did love me and that he still does but he would understand why I wouldn't want anything to do with him. He said that if I did in fact consider giving him a chance that he would go to therapy, alone or together or both and that he would work hard to win my trust back. I told him it wasn't possible, there was too much damage.

This sounds calm when I type it but in the moment things came out more with louder tone and harsher words. Anyways, he did say that he is in the or will be (it was a bit of a blur) process of getting custody (partly) from my brother and that he in fact does wanna be a dad to him. He said he does not want to be together with my mom, that it was just a stupid mistake (SURE... BC 4-5 times mistake is just a random thing). He couldn't explain why he did it in the first place, I think he doesn't even know himself. I asked if he cheated with someone else before, he said no (not sure if to believe it but he sounded honest). I asked why he didn't come clean, and he said that after he did the deed he always felt panicked and it hits him that he could lose me and he just didn't want to. I told him it was meant to be found out, that what was his plan? to have my brother around and ignore their relationship forever? he said he didn't think far enough and that he was basically going with the idea one day at the time type of survival.

I asked him if he felt that my mom seduced him? he said it was mutual, which made me wanna puke again.

I asked if he has any contact with my mom since I found out. He said yes, but mostly about my brother (didnt elaborate more and I didnt pressed for more info on that). He said he told his parents the day before or the day before that not sure (Mon - Tuesday?) about everything. The parents were not happy but they are glad to start building now a relationship with my brother(their grandkid). Honestly, all of this felt like a punch in my stomach, I dont know why. The parents wanted to contacted me but he told them to wait till he approached me first, hence why he was here.

I said if he started or thought about the custody before I found out and he said no, but when I found out was like the push he needed (great seems I helped him get his shit together ----- ugh) and this past week he was arranging all of that mess (thats why he hasn't tried to see me before). He sounded and looked defeated, but the whole thing made me besides sad - ANGRY. I was mainly depressed before but now I'm furious. I feel like he is still in an okay place and he isn't "paying" for his actions, beyond me leaving him. He will have my brother, his parents and others and move on with his life... while I LOST EVERYTHING. I hate him.

We parted ways not in a happy note, and I told him to never get near me again, I was done. He asked me to see my brother still, that I was important to him and tried to guilt trip me and it worked, but I still think I can't.

I don't know much about my mom and really hope she doesn't come find me any time soon bc I'm fuming right now and wont be able to handle it.

I will be contacting my family and friends and finally doing the blasting TODAY!!! I think is about time and after my talk with him, I got the extra push I needed.

[RELEVANT COMMENTS]

mayerr1

I know your pissed, possibly livid rn, but OP, please do NOT get emotional when you blast them.

Social media is a great place to let out just the facts. Someone on your last post said to post “the wedding is off. I’m not speaking with mother or ex-fiancé. He is the father of my mothers son.” & dip.

That’s exactly what I would do. Let them clean up their own mess. If people ask, let it all out about how sad and hurt and how you lost everything because of them.

Guilt HIM because now you’ve lost your mom. You can’t trust her ever again. You’ve lost him, who was supposed to be your forever. And then, they decided to be real sickos and have you help with the affair baby.

I’m so sorry your going through this OP.

I hope everyone sees how sick they are. Updateme when you can. I hope your 4th of July is fun!

OOP: Thank you! yes you are so right, I'm trying to come down - I have been so angry since yesterday but getting better. I thought writing this update will help me cool down before I do the "blasting". I also want it to be facts driven and not all an emotional blur - I will have my friend read proof my post to friends and fam.

Thank you and you too!

MithosYggdrasill1992

I don’t like saying this, because I don’t know your mother, OP. However, are you 100% positive that it’s your ex fiancé’s kid? Not you should go back to the asshole because he cheated on you.. But if your mother is willing to cheat with him, she was very likely fucking other men at the same time. And she may be using this is an easy way to have someone take care of her child.

OOP: Thats a good point, and honestly I dont know. They both seem sure by the text they exchanged and also my ex filling for custody... but not sure if they did the proper test and whatnot. But actually it didn't cross my mind till now, thanks for bringing it up.

start46

I was thinking the same thing as far as how does anyone know for sure he's the dad not that it matters. And also get an std test cause who knows what the mom was doing and obviously no care for her daughters safety either by having unprotected sex with him and putting her daughter at risk

OOP: I had a test done last week and all clear, but just the fact to think that he was inside me and inside my mom and potentially the same day/week.... turns my stomach. I feel so disgusted, I try not to think about it without much success.

Operx1337

I highly doubt his parents the whole truth, mostlikely he told them things to spin it into his favorable side, I'd say meet his parents and ask them what they heard/know and then see if that matches with what is actually true not.

OOP: I wonder too what he told them, but will probably hear about it soon. I suppose his parents will contact me this week. They have always been nice to me and treated me like her own child. My ex is an only child and the mom always wanted a girl (you know how that goes). I know them since I was 15 years old. But I can also see them being on their son side no matter what... I wouldnt be surprised.

Beginning-Stop7646

Does anyone else get the feeling that the only reason he guilted OP about her little brother in the hopes she returns to the ex and helps him raise her little bro like a stepson? Or possibly so she can still maintain somewhat a relationship with him or her mom?

OOP: I did get that feeling. He was trying to "get me back", or trying to make me see things can be better and he can do better. Once he understood he wasn't getting anywhere, he started to talk about how my little brother will miss me, and how can I just leave him hanging. That I can still be in his life and he (my ex) will make things easier for that, thats one of the reasons he is asking for custody so I didn't have to see my mom.

Mendoza2999

If your brother found you when he turns 18 would you except him?

OOP: I wanna say yes and hope we can get a relationship sooner than that. But I know need to heal first... so no idea about the timeline. I miss him tho, its a weird feeling

Elisa800

Also did you ask him WHY he would have sex with your mom multiple times if it was only a "mistake"? You should have asked that.

OOP: I did, and he said he doesn't know... he keep saying "I dont know, wish I did..." or something along those lines

[UPDATE 2]

Hi everyone! Again I want to say thanks for all the support on my last update, honestly like I said in my previous post, it really helped me a lot emotionally all your comments and also all the advice I got, that being about moving abroad or what to say when I do the blast. THANKS YOU!

Update:
A lot has happened.

I DID THE BLASTING! and this is how it went down. I first posted on my family's FB group we share, this is from my mom's family side. I used inspiration of what you all suggested in my last post and said something around the lines of : " I want to communicate to you all that my wedding with X has been permanently canceled, since I found out that my mom (name) and my ex (name) had in the last few years a sexual relationship which resulted in the birth of my little brother (name). I had no clue of any of this, and I found out about it last week. I won't have moving forward a relationship with (name - mom) and ex (name) for obvious reasons. I would appreciate your understanding and I felt it was only fair to let you know of the situation. Since I value transparency and honestly above all."

I also included a screenshot of my mother message (what I said to her once I found out and a message she managed to write back before I blocked her (didnt open the message till before the blasting - I didnt want to hear(read) her and be persuaded). It exploded. I had family reaching out via text and calling the whole day after the blasting. I would say most were very supportive and I could tell they were just shocked. There were a few neutral and some suspicious that "it wasn't the whole story and maybe I misunderstood". My grandparents were in the "maybe you misunderstood" category, which it wasn't surprising since my mom is super close to my grandparents and like I said before, my mom was always a good mom. So no red flags.

I will be moving with a cousin that is more like a sister to me. I haven't reached out to her previously bc I knew once she knows everyone would, thats why I went to my friend's place. My cousin is devastated on my behalf and offered I live with her and her 2 kids until I can get my feet on the ground. I accepted and will be moving next week. I'm a bit afraid this will give my mom an easier access to me, but I cant stay at my friend's place forever.

I then proceeded quickly to post a similar message for my (we share most of our friends since high school and local university) friends on instagram. I created a "close friends" story and tagged most of them too. This went sort of "viral" in our friend group. Actually one of my friends sent me my reddit post and asked if this was me, I confirmed. They were also shocked and speechless. They never thought my ex would even remotely do anything like this. They said "he was crazy about you". Oh well... apparently he went overboard on the crazy part. The group of friends is divided atm, some are completely "on my side" and some are thinking it isn't the whole truth. I told everyone that reached out that if they don't believe me to ask their friend if he is asking for custody of my little brother... that kinda shut them up for now. My ex deleted his social media apparently.

Also my ex's parents called me like I guessed they would. They were kind to me and were very sorry about everything. I got the feeling they are also overwhelmed and very disappointed. However, it was clear they will be supporting their son. They are very upset at my mother, and don't want anything to do with her, but not sure how that will work with my little brother and everything else. They tried to give me "info" about the custody and what is my ex up to now, but I shut that down quickly and told them I dont want any info, I want to move on. I also asked them to not reach out in the near future, that I needed distance, specially if they will be supporting my ex (he is living with his parents atm).

Also my ex and my mother after the blast were going nuts trying to reach out to me. They tried calling my friend (who she blocked them) and reaching out from different numbers. I had to put my phone on silence and ignore everyone. However my mother sent me a long text (from another number), and that was a weird text.

She said that I was being cruel and that she didn't think she raised me that way. She said she thought we had a better relationship than me blasting out "laundry" like that without talking to her first. That I didn't have the whole picture. She did mentioned something that confused me. She said in her long ass text, that the reason she slept with my ex, is because he reminded him of my dad. That it was grief. That she didn't mean to "use" him to heal her pain, but she wasn't strong enough. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??? Like did she think that my ex looks physically like my dad? or personality? or what?? I have seen photos of my dad, and well, yea my ex isn't super different but also not super alike. I mean they share brown/dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin... but thats not so uncommon, I don't see what else? I don't know. That threw me for a loop and honestly makes me wanna confront my mom just to know what the hell? from all the thing she could say I was NOT EXPECTING THAT.

I'm holding on better, I dont cry every hour or wanna murder them. But, I'm still sad and upset and it just feels like it isnt my life, that is a big joke or a bad dream and I will wake up to my "normal" life. I also need to really start planning my future and start applying for jobs in other cities, or maybe check the possibilities abroad more seriously. I might as for 2-3 days off work to really get my thought together and do some research. I'm terrified tbh. I feel frozen, but I know I need to start moving.

Posted 5 months ago. 2024

My fiancé (M21, Alex) & I (F22) have been together 6 years, getting married this year. I never cared much about my last name but after some recent family events realized I want to keep mine. Alex doesn’t mind, and chose to change his last name so we'd match. Upon finding out, Alex's parents (Lisa and Luke) yelled at him. Lisa cussed him out, so my parents let him stay with us for the last week of winter break (we were home on break from college and live a few miles apart).

Lisa and Luke say Alex is destroying & disowning his family, publicly humiliating them, and say I'm stripping him of his manhood. They told us we're unbiblical, and that women should submit. To them it’s political too - they said the queer community is the reason we're “susceptible” to this, transgender people are to blame, and “America is in its downfall; this is just another sign.”

Alex has gotten plenty of texts from Lisa, calling him hateful, cruel, and cold, asking how he can let her suffer. The meetings Alex had with his parents went poorly - they told him they wanted to see him and not talk about the name, but then did. One meeting involved both sets of parents - Lisa and Luke talked 90% of the time before getting up and leaving. They're mad Alex stayed with us and said even if we go with his name, they'd resent us and my family for supporting us.

Lisa threatened to cut Alex off, and says he won't get another penny (they had planned to contribute to our wedding, stating there were no strings attached, and they fund his college apartment). Lisa said this is the worst thing to happen to her since losing her first baby, and that it's worse than if Alex had gotten me pregnant, killed someone drunk driving, or was gay. She's telling Alex that his grandparents will have to move to assisted living from heartbreak, and Luke keeps telling Alex his choice is hurting people. Their main reason seems to be that it is tradition and that they want the last name carried on (it's not an uncommon last name).

I also learned that Lisa borderline tried to talk Alex out of proposing. Alex asked me to marry him anyway, and Lisa called my mom in the midst of the engagement excitement to share her disapproval. They said that they get a say until Alex is married, and that's when they'll leave us be.

Lisa and Luke keep texting Alex and my parents, but I have never gotten anything. They openly dislike me now, badmouthing me whether I'm there or not. I've decided my relationship with Lisa and Luke is over (it was rocky before as they tried to push their religion onto me numerous times). Alex is deciding how much more he can give. He's hasn't taken a harsh tone or spoken rudely to his parents, but is tired.

Now his parents say if Alex won't move back home, their financial support ends. They say the family won't come to the wedding, and one of his siblings actually has left the wedding party.

Obviously I have decided to stay mostly away from Lisa and Luke now, but they are Alex's family. With the wedding still coming up, we're unsure how to move forward.

TL;DR: My male fiancée is taking my last name. His parents are freaking out because I'm the woman and should take his. The verbal and emotional abuse are out of control, and they're threatening not to attend the wedding.

EDIT TO ADD: Lisa and Luke's financial support is not necessary, and the wedding will proceed with or without it. Just thought it relevant to point out that the money that was offered "no strings attached," clearly does have strings. We know we are young, and are still getting married, after spending six years together. Postponing the wedding isn't something we're willing to do.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Posted 4hrs ago 07JUL24

This is an update to a post made 5 months ago

Alex and I got married last month, and everything was absolutely beautiful! Since my original post:

After more months of emotional and verbal abuse, Alex made the difficult decision that his parents were no longer welcome at our wedding. He explained that he couldn't trust them to respect his boundaries, respect us at all, or respect what the event was about. As expected, they freaked out, asking if he was "trapped and needed help," saying everything had become about me (*OOP), and telling him he'd been isolated from everyone he loves. We're not sure what story they told Alex's extended family... Alex reached out to everyone to explain what had been going on, but every response he received was more disgust toward his name choice, refusal of wedding invitations, and saying he needed to apologize/"grovel" and fix the family.

Most of Lisa's family were the ones talking the most about how dishonorable he was being and how he was breaking apart the family (interesting seeing none of them share Lisa and Luke's last name, Luke's family does). Luckily, only one invitation was returned with nasty notes inside, but the rest of the digital responses took Lisa and Luke's side, berated Alex for doing this near the anniversary of the death of Lisa's first child, and called him cruel and hateful.

(For context, Lisa's first child passed away a few days after birth, over 25 years ago. Alex says there has never been any remembrance that he knows of, and they do nothing on the anniversary (he doesn't even know the date of the anniversary). Lisa and Luke explained what happened once when he was young, and never mentioned anything again. We're unsure why it's all coming back up now, after presenting as generally unimportant his whole life. Apparently, this drama being 4 months from the anniversary was disrespectful.)

His sister Alice also went off the rails. After "checking in" to see how Alex was doing, Alice got angry that he wanted to discuss things over text instead of on the phone. It became obvious that she wanted him on the phone to berate him, because she ranted about how he was "steamrolling" their parents, and wasn't really an adult because he wasn't married yet. She said she had encouraged Lisa and Luke to cut him off long ago, and that I (OP) wasn't acting like family since I stopped letting her follow my Instagram account (this was after she'd dropped out as a bridesmaid and made it clear she didn't support our marriage. I decided not everyone gets full access to my life). As his only sibling, it was devastating for Alex to watch Alice spiral into fully taking their parents side, after initially leading him to believe she had his back and being supportive. After saying not to expect her and Alex's BIL at the wedding, there's been no further contact since Alice refuses to speak to him unless he'll talk on the phone. At this point, he won't do any phone calls as we'd rather have record of everything that goes down.

Many people tried to talk to Lisa and Luke (my own parents, mutual friends, etc) to encourage them to choose relationship, and explain the damage they were causing wasn't worth the loss they'd endure. It seemed to have no effect.

Alex was quick to become no longer financially dependent on his parents. We've changed his phone plan, reclaimed all his bills from Lisa and Luke, fully moved him out, and finished college. We're not sure if they attended graduation - they texted Alex the day before to say they'd be there, but then turned off their location services. Graduation day was stressful and nerve-wracking, with Alex not knowing if they'd make a scene or corner him. He left as soon as he walked across the stage, and made it to his car with no interactions.

Since then, as most Redditors suggested, we've been nearly no contact with Lisa and Luke. We spent the first six weeks of summer finishing wedding details, and our day last month was gorgeous. Alex received no communication between graduation and the wedding, and has no plans to continue their relationship without an apology. Lisa and Luke did not show up to the wedding, or say anything day of. The only recent change is Lisa unfollowing and unfriending both of us and my family on all social media.

For me, my in-law relationships are basically over, apology or not. Learning they'd never supported our engagement, ignoring my existence, and hating me because of my political and religious beliefs is enough for me not to keep contact.

Thank you, Redditors, for your kind help and good wishes. Our day was truly perfect and straight out of a fairytale, and we're looking forward to the next chapter of our lives, with hopefully less drama!

TL;DR: Parents were uninvited to the wedding. Sister flipped a switch. Currently no contact with all. Wedding day was beautiful and not dramatic.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My husband is saying another woman’s name in his sleep

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, gaslighting

  May 13, 2022

My husband and I are both in our 30s, married for about 10 years, with kids.

When my husband is very tired, he talks in his sleep, not a lot but a few words, usually it’s about whatever is on his mind. When our boys were young it was usually about feeding them or giving them a bath, now it happens less than it did back then but it still happens about once a week, usually he says something about work or fishing or his car.

Last night he said another woman’s name in his sleep, actually a few times. First he just said her name and kind of laughed in his sleep. Then he said “(Her name),  let’s go to bed”, and then a few minutes later something about a shower.

This is a woman that lives near us, he knows her but I don’t (I work afternoons, my husband gets out of work around 4 and so does she so they’re both outside with the kids around the same time). I’ve never seen them be anything but friendly, I’ve never seen odd behavior from him. But this has me very paranoid. I don’t want to be one of those people who gets mad at their partner for something that happened in their sleep, am I being ridiculous for bringing this up to him?

Update thank you everyone. I brought it up to my husband in a joking manner. He immediately got defensive, and began saying he “couldn’t fucking believe I was making an issue out of this”. I was pretty taken aback by his immediate defensive reaction, I assured him I wasn’t accusing him of anything, I had just wanted to bring it up since it happened and make a joke out of it so he knew I wasn’t actually upset. He continued to call me ridiculous, dramatic, etc, and if he expected me to stop hanging out with her because of this I was “out of my god damn mind”, then he left. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

mfpstacey

Put your mind at rest and talk to him. I say and do all sorts of crazy stuff in my sleep, I told my partner he was a danger to me and I was calling the police once lol he really isn’t a danger to me.

OOP

I’m just a little bit alarmed because he’s never spoken about anyone else like this, in this way… It’s always very straightforward, things that he’s thinking about or are happening in real life

Personal_Regular_569

Honey, trust your gut. His reaction is everything you need to know.

That anger he directed at you is masking guilt or shame. He's having inappropriate feelings for the neighbour, whether he's acted on them or not who knows.

  May 15, 2022 (2 days later)

After my husbands very defensive response after I bought it up in a really lighthearted way, I began to get a little concerned, especially how he said “if you expect me to stop hanging out with her over this you’re out of your god damn mind”. Of course I never would have asked him to stop talking to her over a dream, but his response really was over the top.

So yesterday I took a half day and got home from work at 4:15, the time they’re usually hanging out. My kids and my husband were NOT at home, despite my husband telling me he had gotten them off the bus and his life360 saying he was home, plus his car being in the garage. I called his phone and it went off in the bedroom, but no him.

So I walked by the woman’s house. She has a pool in her backyard and from the street I could hear the two of them, clearly, in the backyard in the pool, talking and laughing.

I literally didn’t even go onto her yard. I just yelled out my husbands name and said “Where are the kids?”  He was silent for so long. He started to say something but I cut him off (I think I just told him to shut the fk up) and told him just tell me where my kids were. He said they were over his mothers. I told him he had until I went to get them and get back to get his stuff out of the house. He tried to keep talking, at this point he had come out to the street but I honestly didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. I told him I wasn’t messing around, if he was still there when I came home I was going to lose it. He got the point, he was gone but I did let him tell me “his side of the story” on the phone later that night. He said they were “just friends”, that he didn’t tell me “how” close they were because he thought I would get upset (a lie, I don’t care if he has female friends or not as long as he’s respectful of boundaries, which he wasn’t).

I don’t believe anything he said, he lied about where our kids were to innocently hang out with a friend? Obviously this is all new, but I have no intentions of reconciling with him, I’ll be a coparent and nothing else.

It feels surreal to me how all of this started, I still can’t really believe it’s happening

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP responding to a downvoted commenter

I don’t understand what you’re confused about. He lied about where my children were. He lied about where he was to hang out with her. You have to be a moron to not see he’s cheating.

~

DifferentManagement1

I absolutely knew something was up from your first post. I’m so sorry. Do you think they’ve been having sex?

Is he trying to save your marriage or no? Is she married? What scum.

OOP

Yes, he is

DifferentManagement1

What exactly is his excuse for sending your kids to his moms so they could have a date? I can’t even imagine

OOP

One of our sons had just been sick 2 days before so he said “he didn’t think he would be up for swimming.”

~

Foggydaysandnights

Did you ask his mother for what she was told?  Why she was asked to watch the kids? Does she know what her son has been doing? I'm so happy you are taking care of this NOW.

OOP

She told him he had to do work on the house and didn’t want them around while he did it

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 12th February 2024

- 13th February 2024

- 2nd July 2024

I am denying my ex wife her last wish

So, I (45 M) had a previous relationship with Lucifer (Names made up for privacy. 43 F). We were married for 5 years and dated for 7. From this, we had 3 kids (Again, names made up for privacy) Dean (21 M), Kylie (19 F) and Jax (17 M).

Context: A few months before I filed for divorce, I noticed Lucifer becoming increasingly controlling and paranoid. Like, if I went out, she needed to know where I was going. Example, I went to my Nan’s flat to help her (along with my uncle) get some new, heavy furniture inside the flat. Despite the fact that I had told her earlier where I was going, she demanded to know where I was going.

I researched why these types of things might happen and found out it might be a sign of cheating. Turns out, I was right.

Basically, a friend of mine saw her and another man kissing and flirting inside a restaurant where he was with his siblings and mom. He sent me photos. I filed for divorce, blah blah blah. You get the idea. I didn’t really care what I got in the divorce, I only pushed for 80/20 custody and to keep my money. Surprisingly, she didn’t contest anything but the custody. I got 70/30 instead of 80/20 but hey. I picked myself up because I still had majority custody.

Anyway, this year. My ex got terminal cancer. When Dean told me, Kylie and Jax, I didn’t really care. I comforted my kids but ,personally, I didn’t care. In fact ,I’m ashamed of myself because of this, I was kinda excited to get full custody of Jax. (Dean has already moved out and Kylie decided she wanted to stay with only me when she turned 18).

So a few days after, I got a call from Dean. He told me that Lucifer was bed-ridden and she had asked Dean to talk to me. Basically, her last wish was to have one last conversation with me. I told Dean (quite bluntly, I’ll admit) that “No, I would not talk to her.” All care I had for this woman evaporated when I found out she cheated on me. Dean understood but told me to expect a call from his maternal side as they had basically treated her like the world revolved around her in her last few months.

Somehow, my ex in-laws got my number and have been bombarding me with texts and calls calling me heartless and evil for not granting my ex her final wish. My kids and my ex’s cousins (whom she never got along with) are on my side. But all of Lucifer’s family and a few mutual friends are on her side.

Thanks for Listening Reddit.

Comments

[deleted]

"Names made up for privacy"- lucifer

Acrobatic_Emphasis41

Friends call her Luci

Fit_Dad_74

Some call her loose.

ChewbaccaYourChicken

The Luce Goose.

tossaway78701

"She can write a letter"

You don't have to read it but they can't argue with that fact.

tossaway78701

My wildly abusive parent got cancer and had everyone beg me to go see them. 3 close family members tried to get them to dictate a letter after I stood my ground. They wouldn't for two then dictated such a hate filled tome my uncle wouldn't send it to me. Uncle said he understands why I stayed away. Nobody needs to visit their abusers deathbed.

Update - 1 day later

Hi! Yesterday, I posted a small story about denying my ex wife her last wish. Anyway, the reason I say this is “Technically ” an update is because it’s only a small update. I mean SMALL. It’s mostly just collectively responding to some general comments.

Firstly, thanks for all the advice, love, hate and laughing about Lucifer’s chosen name.

Secondly, to all those saying “She’s getting her karma with cancer” stop. I might not like her, but I wouldn’t wish Cancer (Let alone terminal cancer) on anyone. Not even the woman who made my life a misery for a long few months. It’s kinda messed up to say that sort of thing.

I also wanna talk about my “resentment” to my ex. To be clear, I do NOT hate her. Why? That would require me using energy thinking about her, I personally think this is energy wasted. I rarely have to do anyway. Even more rare now that 2 of my kids don’t live with her part-time anymore.

To the very few hurling insults at me, take a hike. If you’re gonna give your opinion on something, do it respectfully. And now, the tiny update.

Many of you gave me the advice to not speak to lucifer in person and instead write her a letter or make her a video.

I have spoken to all of my kids collectively and asked them their opinions. I also told them that what was previously suggested above, would be the only way I would grant her this wish. My kids all decided that ,whilst they would like me to speak to her, they totally understand if I don’t want to. I told them that I’m seriously considering writing a letter or making a video (for the nth time in that conversation). But that I need more time to decide if that’s what I want to do.

So, I turn to internet strangers again. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edit: When I said video, I meant video call. Sorry for that.

Comments

Thisisastupidname0

I don’t see the point of a letter or video from you. She’s the one with that supposedly has something to say or get off her chest. If you feel the need to say a last goodbye, then sure, write a letter, but the whole thing is because she wants to talk to you so that doesn’t solve much from that perspective. If you’re ok with it, tell them she can send you a letter or video and you will promise to read/watch it and may or may not respond.

PowermanFriendship

Yeah, this. I'm actually starting to actively wonder about OP's real motives here, since this seems like a needless level of drama. The only two adult responses are a) give her what she's asking for and do it in a magnanimous way because she's dying, or b) just say no and let that be the end of it. All this engagement and back and forth is pretty childish.

Update - 5 months later

UPDATE Hi. It’s been a while. A while ago, I uploaded a post about my ex wife, Lucifer, and also a small update that I didn’t really consider a proper response one. I’m making this to update you all and answer a few questions.

I’ll start off with the 2 main questions. One was “did I talk to her?”. I ended up choosing not to. At first (a few months ago), I decided I would IN PERSON for the sake of my kids. However, upon arriving at the hospital I began hyperventilating and nearly passed out. After this, I went back on my word and decided not to. I did not think risking my own life just to speak to someone I have not seen in a very long time was worth it. The 2nd question is pretty much the same sort of thing, “did I make her a video, call her or write her a letter?” I also considered this. However, after I decided I might, something happened that made it impossible. Let me catch you up first.

Shortly after my post, some of Lucifer’s relatives that had been attacking me, began to publicly attack me on social media. I was attacked by even more people. Most of these people I did not know. The posts were taken down when my three kids sat down their mother’s relatives and told them, in no uncertain terms, they would cut contact if this kind of thing continued. This seemed to stop it. I am incredibly grateful and feel blessed that my kids did this for me. They didn’t have to but they did.

Shortly after this, we received news that Lucifer might actually come out alive. Basically, what was killing her had sort of become benign and the doctors were working on treatment. This was short lived.

Just last week, Lucifer passed in her sleep. My children and their family are incredibly upset. I have comforted my kids and done my best to support them the whole way through. My kids have decided to begin planning her funeral. I have decided to attend at the request of my eldest, Dean, and at the request of a mutual friend of mine and Lucifer’s who I’ll call John (42 M). He supported me, despite still being friends with Lucifer, through the whole divorce process. I feel as though I owe it to him.

John has told me that he will sit with me and make sure none of Lucifer’s family trouble me. My youngest and my middle, Jax and Kylie, have agreed to do a similar thing by speaking to their relatives and distracting them. It’s not fully planned yet and I will update you in maybe a month when the funeral takes place.

Thank you for your continued support and compliments throughout the entire period since my first upload.

Thank you as a whole Reddit.

Comments

suckerpunch1222

At this point just be there for your kids and maybe talk to a professional to settle your feelings once and for all. I can’t imagine how i would feel if i lost my mom so focus on your kids now.

c8ball

Your kids love you and are wonderful children. Thank you for the update, nothing but good vibes to you and healing for your children

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [21F] boyfriend [22M] spent $4k on a Master Chief suit, when he doesn’t even have a job

Originally posted to

Editor's note: confirmed fake as OOP made another post where they are a

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, verbal abuse, financial exploitation

June 21, 2020

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and he’s a really nice and sweet person. He always makes sure to give me his all, and genuinely cares about my happiness.

Today I get home from work and automatically I notice a huge shipping box opened by the front door, I am intrigued but since it’s empty, I just keep walking towards the living room.

Then I see him, on the couch, in a full master chief suit.

I’m like “babe is that you?”

He’s like “oh hey babe, how was work?”

And I’m like, “good... what’s up with the master chief suit.”

He’s like, “you like it? I got it online and it was simply to awesome to pass up.”

And I ask, “it’s really nice, how much was it?”

He says, “four thousand.”

And i said , “oh that’s funny, how much was it really?”

And he says, “no really, it was four thousand.”

So at this point I’m livid, I start yelling and asking him how he afforded it, and the whole ordeal was very heated. I find out he put it on a credit card, and I just get so pissed that I leave.

We barely make ends meet now, so it boggles me how he doesn’t even have a job yet decides that 4K on a master chief costume is fine.

What do I do at this point?

TOP COMMENTS

Johnny_Shitbags

You leave him.

He is too incompetent when it comes to money and dealing with the real world.

~

Windbag1980

Run. This dude will be go bankrupt before he figures out how money works. This is not hyperbole: I mean the literal, legal definition of bankruptcy.

I am 40 and I saw it with my peer group.

~

LectricFox

He spent $4,000 on a cosplay outfit...that literally achieved nothing. The only place or time he can wear it is at conventions and Halloween.

The guy could be Jeff bezos' bastard he still wasted $4,000 he put on a (likely) 20% interedt rate credit card.

~

Pdrusz

Sell him on ebay

SweetCallahan

If you sell him dressed in the suit that’s $4001 in your pocket!

(Also, what is a master chief suit???)

salman352

master chief is a the main protagonist from halo

~

incometrader18

A $4K Master Chief suit must be freaking awesome

sauers3

That’s what I’m saying! Someone link me this suit! Lmao

icecreamburgers 29 11h32m

noneofcon

Important: You are not able to wear the suit by yourself without any help from at least one assistant.

Who did he get to help him put on the suit then?

agaminon22

Shit, that actually looks pretty cool lol. On the other hand, it's pretty funny imagining master chief just chilling on a sofs, lol.

June 23, 2020 (2 days later)

First of all, I just wanna appreciate all of the comments on the original post, I didn’t expect it to blow up like it did. And thanks for the silver!

So after the post, I decided to confront my BF about the suit and hopefully talk some sense into him.

After a long heated argument, he decided he had enough and stormed out and left my house.

In the argument he defended his action, saying that it was his money to spend and that he doesn’t give me shit when I go out and buy a Louis Vuitton. Anyways, so he wouldn’t budge at all.

He left the house and after several hours of no contact, I was curious where he’d be staying the night as he lives in my house. I go on Life360 expecting to see him at his mothers or friends, but he’s at a house I don’t recognize.

I text him and ask him where’s he’s at, and he responds saying it’s none of my business.

Alright, what the fuck ever.

Next day I wake up to another text, this message being from his phone but not him, the message read

“You’re a selfish bitch, who can’t even respect bf’s wishes to look like his and my favorite video game character, he’s a sexy man both inside the suit and out. So don’t bother texting bf again.”

So yeah.. I guess he’d been cheating on me? I don’t even care at this point, just ready to move on.

I left his shit on my porch and told him he has 48 hours to come get it. Then I canceled his phone line which I pay for on my Verizon account.

Definitely not how I expected this to go.

TOP COMMENTS

lilyofthealley

I have this mental image of some dude in the Master Chief suit with a mean girl clinging to his back and hissing at op. Fukkin yikes

CCalamity-

I shouldn't laugh, but that is one heck of an image!

~

Jujumofu

I really want to know, if the argument and the leaving afterwards all happenend while he was in the master chief suit. Just a dude arguing with his girl, storming outside, jumping into his warthog to teabag another girl. This has some straight up arby n the chief vibes.

~

L1Zs 3860

He probably wrote that text himself to make you jealous

-mihul-

I love this idea, he’s sulking on some dudes couch still in the armour “yeah this will show her what a catch I am that someone else thinks I’m hot wearing this AND out of it, she’ll come running back to me...”

• next day

“Well shit... at least I have this kick ass costume and my phone... oh shit...”

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is a repost. The original was posted in by User AwayGame930. I'm not the original poster. While this doesn't seem far fetched, OOP replaced the last posting with Username: TrueLies404 and deleted their account, so it might have been made up.

September 30, 2022

I'm 24/F, she's 23/F. We met on a dating app in July. Things have been going really well except for this one weird mystery I can't figure out.

My girlfriend is in a wheelchair, but I don't have any idea what the story is behind it. I feel like it would be incredibly rude to ask, because obviously if she still hasn't said anything about it by this point then it's because she explicitly doesn't want to talk about it.

It's literally only come up in conversation one time, way back on our second date, because there was no ramp to get into the restaurant we wanted to go to. I'm pretty sure I'm remembering this accurately, because I've thought about it a lot: She said, "Do you mind giving me a push? I think I can make it." I said, "Sure, no problem!" and pushed the chair for her. She said, "Thanks! It's so annoying when there's no ramp." I said, "Yeah, I bet. Does that happen a lot?" She said, "No, most places are pretty good about saying on the website whether they're accessible or not. This was my fault, I didn't check."

So that was me trying to "ask without asking" to see if she'd say anything else about being in the wheelchair, but she didn't seem to want to so I dropped it.

After that I talked to my roommate and we dissected the situation to think of any reason apart from "she just doesn't like to talk about it" that my girlfriend wouldn't have volunteered any story or even a casual comment about her being in a wheelchair.

What we figured is that it was probably some kind of medical condition that she didn't want to talk about unless our relationship got serious, especially if it's a hereditary thing and she didn't want it to sound like she was "bringing up kids" too early. I also thought that maybe she's particularly sensitive to stereotypes about lesbian relationships so she was trying extra hard not to trauma-dump on me when we just started dating.

So okay, that made sense and I was able to let it go for a while thinking that she'd probably bring it up in her own time. I was thinking that would probably be a couple of weeks, or after we decided things were serious. But now months have gone but and we've had the exclusivity talk and still no further mention of anything wheelchair related. What could her timeline possibly be of when this is appropriate to talk about?

But I didn't want to push her, so I didn't ask. The most I did in terms of trying to find out was peek in her medicine cabinet one time thinking that if I saw a bunch of pill bottles that would at least confirm that she has some major medical condition, but I didn't see anything besides Tylenol.

Here's what's seriously throwing me off again now, though. Yesterday she posted a Throwback Thursday photo of herself from 10 years ago on her Instagram. And I learned for the first time that she hasn't been in a wheelchair for her whole life, which is what I've been assuming. At least up until she was 13 and in junior high school she wasn't in a wheelchair or on crutches or anything. So now it looks like my degenerative disease theory is out the window, or it's totally different than what I thought it was like.

So now I’m wondering if maybe she was in an accident or something traumatic like that, and that might also be why she doesn’t want to talk about it, or maybe she thinks that I wouldn’t want to hear about it. I was in a pretty bad car accident a couple of days before we were supposed to go on our first date and had to postpone it for a week, so maybe she’s trying to be sensitive because she knows I’m still nervous about driving because of that?

It's seriously driving me crazy! But I know I can’t ask, because like I said, obviously if she wanted to tell me about it then she would’ve brought it up by now.

Also it’s definitely a permanent thing and not just that she happens to have been in a wheelchair for as long as I've known her. Her apartment is all set up to be wheelchair accessible with handrails everywhere and all that stuff, and she has one of those permanent disability parking passes to put in peoples’ cars if they’re taking her somewhere.

Notable comments:

• If you're in a relationship with someone then surely you should be comfortable enough to ask questions? She may not be talking about it because its all she's known or whatever. She might be waiting for you to ask her.

• As a wheelchair user myself, having to constantly explain my medical situation to everyone I meet is exhausting. I hate it. I’m not there to complain about my disability and it isn’t everyone’s business. However if I’d been dating someone for a while like that and they said “hey I didn’t bring this up before because our relationship wasn’t as serious. But I was wondering how you came to use a wheelchair and if there was anything I could do to be more supportive to your condition? If you’re not ready to share no pressure.” That sort of question would probably be welcome. But, that’s just me. People with disabilities often have a hard time dating so if you approach it with the idea of being able to support her better it might go better. But you should ask. And if she isn’t ready to answer at least she’ll know you want to know when she is.

• Maybe she's talking to her roomate about why her new GF hasn't asked about the wheelchair? It has to be kind of awkward to bring up, right? For either of you. I'd just plow ahead. I mean, this is a true elephant in the living room sort of thing.

October 5, 2022, 5 days later

Okay, I’m back and I have an answer for you!

P.S. I accidentally got the first post deleted because I thought I had to add a link to the update, but that's actually against the rules on this sub, so...my bad.

But anyway. I’m going to be long-winded about this, so skip down THE REASON if you just want to know the story behind the wheelchair.

CLARIFICATIONS:

• Y’all kept coming at me in the comments of the last post and I ran out of energy to keep explaining, so I’ll say it again here:

• I didn’t post to ask for advice, I was just venting about a situation that I was fully aware was completely ridiculous. I have absolutely no problem dating someone who uses a wheelchair, and if you thought otherwise from reading my post, that is bias you brought into the situation.

THANK YOUS & ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

• Shout-out to whoever made the “Ramp Your Enthusiasm” joke. In a forest of “FIRE AT A SEA PARKS” this and “MULVA” that, that comment was legitimately fucking hilarious.

• Thank you to everyone who taught me about preferred terminology and disability protips, I learned a lot of interesting things.

• Most importantly, thank you for your interest in my stupid post, I guess. This post got so much attention that somebody made a fucking TikTok about it, and me being worried that my girlfriend was going to see it is what made me finally decide to just talk to her about this.

THE CONVERSATION:

So I started the conversation by telling my girlfriend that I wanted her to come visit my apartment if possible, so to please tell me what kind stuff she needed me to do to make sure it was accessible/comfortable for her. (Sidenote, this actually turned out to be pretty easy because it’s a newish building with an elevator and wide doorways and she said those were the main things that can be difficult visiting residences.)

After we talked about her coming over, I said, “And by the way, is there anything else I should know about your wheelchair that I haven’t thought to ask?”

And she said, “You mean like…why I’m in it?” and then started CACKLING MANIACALLY, BECAUSE SHE ACTUALLY WAS MESSING WITH ME THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME.

She said she doesn’t usually explain why she needs the wheelchair unless people ask, and was actually pretty surprised when on our first couple of dates I didn’t ask her about it. But then when I continued not asking, she thought it was “too fucking funny that I was so obviously trying not to hurt her feelings” and she just wanted to see how long I would go without asking her about it.

(At this point, she also texted her brother about it because she thought it was so funny, and they made it into a running joke where now he’ll text her “Status Update Requested” and she replies “Status: Day X, No Inquiry” every few days.)

So yeah, we had a good laugh about this at my expense and she said that it would’ve been totally fine for me to have asked at any point. She also said that she understands why I didn’t, and she’s not offended and doesn’t think that it says anything bad about me that I thought I shouldn’t/couldn’t ask, she thinks the whole thing is kind of sweet and mostly just really funny.

THE REASON:

Turns out she doesn't need a wheelchair because of a degenerative condition, it's actually because of an accident when she was 15 years old. She jumped from a cliff into a swimming hole and landed on a rock underneath the water, which damaged her lower spine. She also had some mild brain damage from being unconscious under the water for a few minutes, which she said also affected her mobility to a degree.

Notable comments:

• Day X, No inquiry. Marry her.

• I love this, this is hilarious and wonderful. I might also be cackling. It reminded me immediately of my parents but in reverse. My Mum is also disabled, and her walking is affected. Started dating my Dad, and he just - never brought it up - she figured maybe at first he didn't notice because they met at a pub and usually saw each other at pubs/parties and so they were both three sheets to the wind. But three weeks go by and he still hasn't said anything so she goes: "so... you know, is there anything you want to ask me about?" and he goes "No? Why? About what?" and she goes "you know, about how I walk differently?". He immediately replied "Nah, I love you, it's all good". It was the first time he said I love you. He's good at picking his moments (and still is 42 years later).!

I'm not the original poster.

I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: &

Divorce on table because husband and I cant agree on baby's name

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional infidelity, emotional abuse

  Jan 3, 2019

Hello reddit. This title might look funny but its an actual problem between me (23F) and my husband (24M).

We've been dating for a year, been married for 2 years. I got pregnant like 7 months ago so recently we started discussing name for the baby. Ever since we found out its gonna be a girl my husband wants to name it like his exes name. Its not any ex but the one he dated for long period of time and loved the most. In the beginning of our relationship we had may problems because of her but she moved away so the problems went away. He really loved her and he never hid that from me but I thought it was over once she moved away. Now he made it clear that he wants the baby to have that name and I can name the second child. When I asked him why does he want that name so badly he said just because he and his ex didnt work out doesnt mean he doesnt want something to keep reminding him of her. He doesnt understand how much its affecting me and keeps saying its just the hormones. Is he still in love with the ex or its normal that he wants to name OUR child like that. Thank you!

TOP COMMENTS

gcitt

I knew a woman who wanted to name her baby after an ex. She ended up stabbing the current bf. Just putting that out there.

~

Spoonbills

I'm more concerned about his lack of respect for you as his partner, his number one, his wife. You might try relationship counseling but I suspect his disrespect extends beyond the baby naming issue.

~

Shore16

Tell him that you want to name your second child after one of your previous fuck buddies because the sex was so good you just want to be reminded of it even though things didn't work out.

Like seriously what the fuck is he thinking. I don't know your husband's feelings towards his ex but it's not normal.

~

maryjannie

Wow! He just told you, you are second best. He blatantly is saying he settled with you. No way.

  Jan 18, 2019 (15 days later)

Im sorry for late update but last few weeks have been hell for me. Im gonna write quick update here mostly to thank all those people for opening my eyes about everything. I also apologize for english mistakes because Im from Italy and its not my native language. I followed through most advices in the comments from calling our friends asking for help, asking his mum, talking to him and calling the ex.

This post blew up in 2 days and then I decided to show him comments where everyone said we should not name our child after an ex. He said im listening to "random social media strangers" instead of my husband and called me so many bad names, refuses to talk about it and still wants to name our child like his ex.

Next thing I do is call his mum and mutual friends, his mum called me immature and said its just a name and I should only care about delivering the child healthy and not argue with him over something stupid.

Our friends said they dont wanna get inbetween us and suggested therapy is well. I was really desperate so I did something I never would, I called the ex. She didnt sound surprised at all by it and said she kinda knew he was gonna name the child after her but she explained it fully because he couldnt look me in the eyes and say all that. Two of them had an agreement while they were still in love, to name their children after each other if they dont work out. She left him and obviously grew out of it and said she would never name her child after him because its absurd but she wasnt surprised that he still wants to do that. When I asked her why does she say that, well here comes the shock. MY husband tried getting in contact with her via facebook several times, asked her to meet up etc and she kept refusing because he is a married man. Here you can see that she is not a bad person and btw for anyone who asked her name is Aurora and I wouldnt mind just naming my child Aurora because its a beautiful name and she isnt a bad person but i dont wanna raise someone who will remind my husband of his ex. I thanked her for telling me the truth and asked her to inform me if he tries to contact her again.

I confronted my husband about it and told him I knew the truth. Being an asshole as he is, he admitted and said there is nothing wrong in it, baby is mine, she will look like me and atleast he gets to name it as her like he promised he would. I told him its nonsense and even Aurora said its stupid but he sticked to his decision. We didnt talk much and he spent days and nights out with his SINGLE friends. Pretty soon I get a call from Aurora and she tells me he called her from his friends phone and told her he is single now and asked to meet up and that he would fly up just to see her. After all those years with no contact with her, marriage with me, future daughter.. she is still in his mind and he wants to meet her. Im completely broken. Divorce is the only thing in my mind but it will be so stressful with pregnancy and everything else. I guess I wanted to be blind with him. But thanks to this app I atleast wont spend my life with someone who doesnt even love me.

EDIT: ALSO REDDIT FEEL FREE TO DROP NAMES IN THE COMMENTS. I dont wanna name my child Aurora because it would forever remind me of this incident and I cant think about names so help me out

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Wittyandpithy

SORRY. Sounds like you are still in the shit.

he said there is nothing wrong in it, baby is mine, she will look like me and atleast he gets to name it as her like he promised he would

he called her from his friends phone and told her he is single now and asked to meet up and that he would fly up just to see her

I'm sorry but it sounds like the person you married wishes he married someone else. It is really fucked up. But, I don't think he loves you. He may never have loved you. He may have just settled for you.

BUT there are three wonderful things ahead of you:

• You can be grateful that Aurora has been honest with you. That is really helpful to you.

• You can be grateful you learnt the truth about your ex now, and not in 3 or 5 or 10 years time.

• You can be grateful that now you are able to take back your life and work on creating a happy life in the future.

p.s. his mum sounds just as fucked up as him

Ruval

She should name the baby Borealis just to fuck with her STB Ex.

Nurizeko

Nah, Helia.

Feminine form from the Greek name Helios, Greek god of the sun, I.E. that big shining ball of plasma which is the ultimate source of the aurora borealis.

The ultimate r/MaliciousCompliance

~

Armnl

Well, atleast now you know he is a piece of shit who tries to cheat while his wife is giving birth to his child. You deserve better!

Name her : Elysia

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

TRIGGER WARNING: Death, Suicide

Posted 9May24

My stepdaughter Becca (14F) died 4 weeks ago. I’ve been in her life since she was 7 years old, we were extremely close.

My husband Derek (40M), his ex-wife Sam (38F), and I (35F) get along very well, there has never been an issue in the 7 years that I’ve been with Derek. Sam has always been kind to me, she didn’t even care that Becca called me “mom” too.

Right after Becca’s passing, Sam had so much anxiety and depression that she was unable to be by herself (she has no family besides us), so we invited her to stay with us.

Sam hardly leaves the house, she mostly just sleeps in Becca’s room, which is completely understandable. I always tell her that I’m here if she needs me and that I want her to take her time with grieving and that there is no pressure to go back to her home.

Today I needed to run some errands, so I asked Sam if she’d like to join me to get out of the house a little bit, but she declined and said she’d rather just stay at the house and sleep. I told Derek that I was leaving and that I would be back in 2ish hours (he works from home), I also told him to check on Sam every once in awhile, and maybe try getting her to eat something.

After stopping at the post office, I realized I forgot my library book that I needed to return, so I went back home to get it.

As soon as I walked in the door, I heard moaning coming from mine and Derek’s bedroom. I immediately knew what was happening… and my heart completely broke in that moment.

I wasn’t completely sure what to do, but I ended up deciding to confront them, so I walked to the bedroom and opened the door and began yelling at them both. Sam started having an anxiety attack and ran to the bathroom while Derek kept apologizing profusely.

I asked him what the hell was happening, he told me that he made himself and Sam some lunch and they began talking about Becca, and shared some memories. And then Sam ended up kissing him and he didn’t pull back, and then it ended with them in our bed.

They’re begging me to understand that it was just grief that caused them to become intimate and that they both made a mistake.

I don’t know what to do. I love this man. And I love Sam. I’m heartbroken that they did this to me and put me in this position. I feel so stuck.

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Posted 13May24

Sorry about this post being removed a couple days ago. I didn’t realize there was an update rule, so here is the update again, along with some questions answered.

I decided that I’m filing for a divorce. I can’t ever trust him again. It sucks because we had an amazing relationship (I thought), he’s always been great, so this was a complete shock to me.

Last night, Derek came over to talk. He confessed to a lot. Turns out it wasn’t their first time having sex like most people thought. They’ve been having sex since 3 months before Becca died. I am completely shocked and heartbroken.

Sam also reached out last night and thanked me for everything I’ve done for her, and told me she was sorry. I didn’t respond, I blocked her.

I did so much for Sam and considered her a friend so this hurts a lot, more than I can handle.

This is all too much.

As hard as this is gonna be, I need to leave Derek and cut them both out of my life. I am ready to do so. I am done.

Also, some people are saying I deserved this because I should have known better than to let Sam into our home, around Derek. But, you need to understand that I’m a giving person, I trust people more than I should, I truly thought Sam was an amazing person. I know it’s unusual to become friends with your husband’s ex wife, but it’s just how it went for us and I shouldn’t be blamed for what happened.

Thank you to everyone who commented nice things and for the kind messages. You’ve all been helpful during this insanely difficult time, I appreciate it.

I’m getting lots of questions about some things so I figured I’d answer a few of them.

• Have I told anyone about what happened besides my mom? — Yes, I told a few friends and some family members. Most of them are supportive of my decision and aren’t speaking to Derek.

• Where is Derek staying? — Currently, he’s staying at a hotel. Our friends refuse to let him stay with them. He’s lost a lot of people due to his awful decisions.

• Has he tried fighting me on getting a divorce? — Yes, he begged me not to file for divorce, but when I told him I needed him to just let me go, and that I was too exhausted to fight him on this, he let it be and agreed to getting a divorce.

• Why isn’t Derek staying with Sam? — He told me he didn’t wanna continue to hurt me, so he told Sam he was done with her for good. And that they have no reason to speak to each other anymore. I have no idea if that’ll last and if they’ll just end up together, but I truly don’t care what they do anymore. I just want peace.

• What was Derek’s excuse for cheating? — He told me that they just “accidentally” reconnected one night when I was away at my mom’s. He was stressed we weren’t conceiving and were having miscarriages, so he vented to Sam, and then somehow that led to sex. Disgusting of them both, I know..

Feel free to ask anything else, and I’ll try to answer. Thank you everyone for your support and advice.

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Posted 14May2024

More updates…

I just found out that he is staying with Sam and not at the hotel. He told me it’s too expensive to stay at a hotel and Sam is the only one that’ll help him right now.

I had a feeling this would happen. Just knowing that they are still probably sleeping together hurts my heart.

I talked to a lawyer this morning and we are proceeding with the divorce and Derek agreed to it. It’s actually happening, and I feel some relief that he’s not fighting me on this.

My mom leaves on Sunday, I’m scared to be alone… But I go back to work on Monday so I’m hoping it’ll be a good distraction.

I’ll keep updating if anything else happens. Thank you everyone, I am so grateful for you all.

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Posted 1 month ago 2024

Becca’s diary…

I decided to go through some of Becca’s stuff today. I just found her diary in a box in the back of her closet… Would it be wrong to read some of it?

I feel like it would help me feel closer to her but part of me feels like it’s wrong too. I haven’t told Derek that I found it either, and I’m unsure if I should tell him.. What would you do?

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Posted 1 month ago 2024

Just a little update.

I figured it’s been a few days, so I should give a little update.

My mom is leaving in a couple hours so I’ll be alone, I’m kinda nervous about it. She helped me stay distracted and kept me going, idk how I’m gonna handle her being gone.

I go back to work tomorrow, first day back since Becca passed away. I’m looking forward to it though because it’ll keep me distracted.

Also, I did read some of Becca’s diary. It made me love her even more, she was such a sweetheart. I went back a few months and saw that she noticed some weird behavior between Derek and Sam, didn’t mention that she knew of the affair, but she just wrote that she thought it was kinda strange that they all three would hangout more than usual, without me.

I might read more, but so far I haven’t found anything that’s disturbing, just her being a teenager and talking about crushes, fights with friends, happy family memories, etc ❤️

Tomorrow I’m also talking to my lawyer so I might have more updates on that.

Thanks for the continuous love and support everyone!

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Posted 1 month ago 2024

Last update for awhile!

Started randomly getting a lot more messages/comments so I figured I’d do another little last update.

My first week back at work went great! I wasn’t expecting it to go so well, but thankfully it did. My coworkers were so helpful and patient with me.

On Friday night I decided I didn’t want to stay home all weekend alone, so I decided to drive up to my mom’s, it helps I have a 3 day weekend so I can spend more time with her. I’m heading back home tomorrow.

Also, for those of you that have messaged me hateful things for reading Becca’s diary, I just have to say - you aren’t in my shoes right now, telling me I’m a bad mom because I’m reading her diary is just ridiculous. I learned so much more about her, about how caring and sweet she is, and it made me love her even more. It’s how I’m able to feel so close to her right now, so please don’t tell me I’m a bad parent for just trying to get by one of the hardest times of my life. You have no idea what it’s like.

I don’t have much of an update, so this will be it. I’ll come back and update once the divorce happens though! Thank you to those of you that have been nothing but kind and helpful, you helped me feel less alone, I’ll forever be grateful!

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Posted 1 month ago 2024

Sam saw my Reddit post and is threatening to sue me.

Sam made a fake FB profile to message me and tell me she wants to sue me for telling strangers about what happened. Derek supports her apparently.

I don’t need this. Am I not allowed to vent about my life to people online?!

I just want life to get better. I’m so tired.

Fuck you Sam. Fuck you Derek.

Edit: Sam is in the comments and messaged me on here too. Blocked her.

No, I just ignored her. It might be an empty threat just to make my life harder, but I’m unsure.

Her [Sam's] message said:

So I was scrolling tiktok and ended up on an account where they read reddit posts and guess who’s post they read? YOURS!!!! First you tell friends and family and then you go to a bunch of strangers and tell them OUR life story?! I can’t believe you, it isn’t just your business to tell. “Becca” would be so disappointed in you. Be prepared cause I think I’m gonna be suing you for this, this was no one else’s business. You did this to yourself, remember that.

I’m actually baffled. She thinks Becca would be disappointed in ME… wtf.

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[Next NEW Update]( Posted 25 days ago. 12JUN2024

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

I have been as strong as I can be but I have been really struggling. So much is going on and I’m just so tired.

How can I keep going? I just want to be with Becca, I miss her. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss how she’d try to make you laugh when you were sad by telling dad jokes, I miss how she liked being in the garden with me, I miss seeing all her new drawings, I miss her beautiful eyes. I miss everything about her. I just want her back. I need her back.

Edit: I am okay. I just needed a space to vent. I was getting so many messages asking if I’m alright, and I just wanted to say thank you to those that reached out. I am okay, I will be okay. Some days are harder than others, but I think I’ll get through this. I’m so grateful for the little community I have here, thank you all so much ❤️

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2 days ago 04JUL24

*Click the white boxes to read the hidden text:

Sam took her life on June 20th 2024

Sam ended up taking her own life on June 20th. I am still trying to process everything. She had hurt me deeply, but this isn’t something I wanted whatsoever.

And Derek blames me.

I feel so many things and am gonna be away for awhile again, but I wanted to update you all.

Thanks for the love everyone ❤️

I am NOT OOP, OOPis

Originally posted to

AITAH for causing the miscarriage of my husband’s affair partner?

Trigger Warnings: abuse, emotional affair, physical assault

: June 8, 2024

Throwaway for obvious reasons

I don’t know where to begin or where to end this story. I can’t discuss this with anyone I know because I feel like an asshole while also feeling justified at the same tome. This story will also sound made up, but it’s really not and I’m just hurting and want some place to type it all out too.

I (F36) have been with my husband (M39) for over a decade. Early on, I had to have a hysterectomy due to health complications and told him if he wanted kids, we should go our separate ways. He insisted he was strictly childfree and didn't want kids. In every other way, we were perfect for each other.

A few years into our marriage, we even had the chance to adopt a little girl from a family member’s unplanned pregnancy. I was thrilled, but he still didn't want kids, so she was adopted elsewhere. Not being a mom hurt, but I accepted it.

Sometime back, my husband started acting weird. You know how you just know when someone you love changes? He came home late, avoided sex, and was cold. He denied anything was wrong, but I could tell he was lying. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he’d tell me I’m being “psycho” and controlling.

So, I snooped through his phone and found evidence of a very long affair. I’m not proud of it, but I did it. I needed that peace of mind.

His mistress (F26 or 27?), whom he'd introduced to me as his cousin, was around less than 2 months pregnant. They were discussing marriage after he divorced me.

He admitted he didn’t want to divorce me yet because he would lose our house, which I funded entirely. He'd also been using our joint account, which I contribute significantly more to (I earn considerably more than him), to pay for her rent and hospital expenses.

When I confronted him, he admitted to the affair and her pregnancy. She came over, and things got heated. I tried to blame him, not her, but after a lot of tears and fighting, I lost control and told them that I hoped they lost the child. I'm not proud of it, but I said it.

He moved out of my house the next day, not sure where they live now.

A few weeks later, she had a miscarriage. They blame me and believe I caused it. She came to our house, slapped me, banged my head against the wall, and kicked me. I was not significantly injured. He didn't hurt me physically but he didn’t stop her either. Yes, I was foolish to let them in but I am in a weird mental state too and didn’t expect her to hit me. Maybe I deserved it. I may have felt the same if someone said something like that about my unborn child and lost it.

I I won’t file charges because it's not an option in my country, and maybe I deserved the beating for what I said. I just want to know if I'm the asshole and if yes, how big of an asshole I am.

Thanks.

Edit: What I said was so unforgivable in my religion. Wishing something bad on an unborn baby is like unforgivable. It’s not some small thing that’s why I feel like an asshole. A child is considered god’s blessing.

I said all that and cursed them and maybe my anger and envy created nazar. That’s why I think im the asshole. Logically I know I didn’t cause it to actually happen but the bad thing happened because I thought bad and because I was hurt, my bad thoughts had effect.

Relevant Comments

OOP on the discussion she had with her husband about having children despite her health complications

OOP: Because I was never sure whether he was childfree because I couldn’t have kids, or if he really was childfree because he wanted to be. So when we had the opportunity to adopt a child, I wanted to pursue it to have a chance at being parents, if he wanted it too.

Assault isn’t okay in my country either but we have a poor judicial system and no one is likely to take me seriously for some minor temporary injuries. I’d also rather not drag this out any further.

OOP on the divorce laws in her country

OOP: Divorce laws in my country somewhat favour the woman and the house title is on my name.

For a criminal case, I’ll have to go to the police (who are very corrupt), convince them to file a case and then all on this will become entirely public which I want to avoid. I don’t want to interact with the police here, which is one more reason I don’t want to press charges.

AmethystSapper: I have several questions How is nazar different than karma? How is it more real than karma?

Isn't having sex with a married man wishing bad things on another woman?

Now you have made many hints at the type of country you live in, most of them tend to have women more in the home than the work place... I am very impressed if a little confused as to you making more money, and buying the house, etc.

OOP: Yes, it is not common but my husband and his family gave me permission to work. I do not go to an office but have a business so I am allowed to continue doing it. In my religion it is not prohibited for women to hold property and you can even ask for it during your marriage. I did not want to mention which country because people may judge me.

Nazar is real because it is true and I have faced it. Yet again after this incident I believe that nazar is real.

Karma is just magical concept. You cannot be born again and again so it is fake.

: June 30, 2024

I've been meaning to post an update for a while now but was just so occupied with everything going on.

After everything that happened, my in-laws found out that my husband and I are staying separately (because he also stopped sending them money for their upkeep). They called me, and I told them everything honestly, including what I said.

My in-laws completely took my side. They threatened to cut their son out of their lives for his infidelity and were also angry about the embarrassment he has caused them. They've told him that the only way he can make it up to them is by obtaining my forgiveness and making it up to ME. I'm thankful for them.

They also informed my parents and reassured them that they'll be supporting me no matter what. I've been living with my in-laws since.

Many of you were right: she was never pregnant and never had a miscarriage. She couldn’t provide any evidence of pregnancy or a miscarriage. According to my mother-in-law, I think my husband realized she’d been lying about her pregnancy only after leaving me.

It also turns out that she really IS my husband’s distant cousin. So he wasn’t lying about that at least. She apparently begged my in-laws not to tell her own parents, but they went ahead and told them anyway.

Word spread, and she is now in shame for premarital sex, that too with a married man. I don't know specific details about her, but I think she’s pretty much been put under house arrest by her parents other than for absolutely essential trips.

My parents are too old to have much of an opinion. They are reassured that my in-laws are on my side and are happy with anything I do.

My husband and I are still not on good terms, but I still love him very much. I need time to heal from this and a proper apology, which I’m yet to receive. But once I do, I’m inclined to take him back.

I think he currently resents me because of the backlash he got (I think he was fully expecting me to be on the receiving end of it, as I was) and is upset that his parents took my side. But eventually, I think he will realize the error of his ways.

I don't know if this update is happy or not, but my heart feels lighter.

I wanted to update because so many people reached out to me offering words of comfort and support both on the post and in DMs. I read all of it, even if I couldn’t reply to everyone personally. Thank you to everyone.

Edit: Im not Indian, not that I have any problems with India or Indians. I’m 36 years old and it’ll be hard for me to find anyone else after this. Im not being a doormat, I’m being practical so I won’t be lonely later.

Comments

Popular_Document1399: OP, I am truly sorry about this. However, you will be making a very big mistake to take this man back. He cheated on you with his distant cousin, and supported his AP's lies that she was pregnant. He does not deserve you, nor does he respect you. You should completely divorce him and get him out of your life. Just think about this OP, you deserve to be happy.

Beck2010: I’m sorry, OP, but you need to grow up and grow a spine. Harsh words incoming; you need to read them. Let’s see:

He cheated on you

He stole from you

He allowed his AP to physically assault you

He lied to you multiple times

And after all of this, you’d take him back if he apologizes??? C’mon. Have a little self respect.

You have a great job. You own the home. File for divorce, get some therapy, and learn that you are worth so much more than how you’ve been treated.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for not wanting to leave a chair free in honor of my late wife at my wedding?

Thanks to + + for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: harassment

: June 26, 2024

My first wife passed away 12 ago and I was really young at that time, I did my best to get over the loss and move on. I loved her in the past but it's my past now and I need to live the present for myself, I found another love.

I met my girlfriend seven years ago, I love her and she has always respected that I am a widower. I don't really name my first wife except on occasions when I tell an anecdote where she is there and I don't have pictures or anything of her in my home, I want to give my girlfriend the place she deserves. I've had many bad experiences in a grief help group and learned what NOT to do in a new relationship.

I'm going to get married in November, at first I didn't know whether to invite my first wife's family because I didn't know if they would want to attend so I never said anything to them or invited them to the wedding, I don't talk with them except for a text every few months but her mother was the one who texted me to tell me that she would be very happy to go so I ended up inviting her and her husband, they kinda invited themselves and I have problems with saying 'no', much more in that kind of situation.

On the weekend we were putting some things together and my mother told me that it would be good to put an extra chair in honor of my first wife, that was an idea of my late wife's mother but she didn't talked about that with me first but with my mother.

We pay per seat, each chair we put up is charged as if it were a person (They would even charge me for drink AND FOOD, as if someone was really present and honestly I am quite tight financially on the wedding) so I think it would be a waste of money in something symbolic because If I do that for her I also have to do that for ALL the members of my family who died because they would complain about it, my father and brother also died so that would be even more money. I'm not a spiritual person neither so I don't believe in those things and I don't like any kind of ritual or symbolic thing, I also don't want to have a moment to talk about deceased people and kill the atmosphere, I just want a nice and joyful wedding for my girlfriend.

Just to make my mother shut up I said that if someone offers to pay the money I will do ask for more chairs (There would be seven relatives, too many, I knew that nobody was going to pay for that) because I can't spend money in more things but no one talked and I tought that she would forget that but my mother said that then I should include photos of me with my first wife when they show the typical video of the bride and groom as they grow up.

I just... Don't want to do that, I even find disrespectful for my girlfriend to put pictures of my first wife when I'm getting married again, let alone make a whole video about those times, it's just weird to me but I KNOW that there are widowers who have done so it leaves me confused.

My first wife appears in some of the photos I chose to go through in the video (not the one my mother wants me to do), in photos where I'm traveling with friends or family, it's not that I'm hiding her identity or anything like that but I just want that moment to be my wife and mine, I already healed.

My mother has been doing everything to make me feel guilty and honestly it's hard not to feel guilty when the words come from a person who went through the same thing as me. I know my girlfriend would agree because she's really kind and she has already said that she is not really interested in what others think because she is the one who will be my wife. I'm the one who feels uncomfortable, AITAH?

I want that moment to be my girlfriend and mine, I already had that moment with my first wife years ago, now I want to have this moment with her, is it a bad thing?

EDIT: Please stop recommending me to make a table with photos of the dead, make a speech, put centerpieces, etc, I don't want to do any of that.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP on if his fiancee knew about his mother’s idea of the tributes for the wedding

OOP: She doesn't know my mother said that. When my mother told me to do that "tribute" I instantly told her no but she has been filling my head with the fact that I am being a bad person and that I'm dirtying the memory of a dead person, I'm not a religious person but it's hard not to feel guilty when the words come from someone who also lost a loved one.

My girlfriend knows that I'm really over the whole past and she really wouldn't care what they do but I'm the one who doesn't want to do that

OOP provides the background of how weddings are charged in his area, noting he is not from US

OOP: I'm not from US, Reddit is used by people all over the world.

At least in the place where I will have the wedding they charge me for a table and chair, so if some of the guests miss the wedding, I will have to pay that money anyway. The managers calculate the chairs per portion of food, it's a shit but that's how it is here, that way they handle what they are in charge since their logic is one chair per head.

Here many people charge the guests for the seat and food but my wife and I did not want to do that. I thought that everywhere the drinks was charged since it is a separated service

alisonchains2023: No way on the chair. I’ll go a step further and say your first wife should not be in the SLIGHTEST bit included in the video you plan to show, even if she is just “with family”. This wedding is ALL about your new bride, and you two are the stars of the show. Period. The End.

NTA.

OOP: We both put pictures of us with our families and it is inevitable that my late wife appears in some of them and I think it would be strange to edit her out of them. My girlfriend put a photo of her graduation with friends where her ex-boyfriend appears on one side and I don't see any problem with it. The main focus of all the photos is still just us

OOP on the terms on calling his girlfriend/bride, not fiancée in his country

OOP: In my country we don't really use that word, we just call our gf "Novia" which means girlfriend and ALSO bride in English. It's rare to hear someone say 'my fiancée' at least where I live

In my country we don't use the word "fiancé", it's weird to use it and if you say it, people look at you funny for trying to sound too polite. We refer to our partners as "girlfriend/wife", we don't all have the same culture and language. Luckily my girlfriend wouldn't break off the engagement over a word.

: June 30, 2024

[First of all I want to clarify that in Spanish "Novia" means girlfriend AND bride, The word "fiancée" is not really used in my country because it sounds too respectful, .]

I talked to my girlfriend about the exact situation, until now she had always said that she doesn't care and supports me in whatever i decide, but when I told her that it makes me uncomfortable and what my mother said, she just got angry and told me "let's talk to your mother". She has the balls I don't have tbh.

When my Ex-MIL found out about my engagement she sent me a message saying "I'm really happy for you, me and (her husband's name) would love to attend" I really didn't know how to reject such a direct self-invitation and my wife told me to invite them if I felt comfortable with that, at that moment I had no problem since they had always been respectful people, that was a big mistake.

I talked to my mother and she showed me that my Ex-MIL started to send her random messages after I posted about getting married with my girl, my Ex-MIL sent her messages like "today I really miss my daughter, it's a shame that your son is forgetting her since it would be a good idea to visit her grave but he doesn't want to" or "My daughter really would have loved to attend the wedding." everyday, They had contact from time to time so my mother didn't find that too weird. My mother felt pressured and under her own beliefs she also pressured me, she apologized to me and my wife and said she was out of line.

Honestly, that triggered me. My mother lost a son AND A HUSBAND, I grew up seeing how people expected the same thing they expected of me from her. I got angry and talked to my Ex-MIL, It really bothered me that they tried to manipulate my mother knowing what she suffered and how sensitive she is about that topic.

EX-FIL apologized and his wife did not, She said she finds it disrespectful that I don't do anything in honor of her daughter and that I even stopped wearing my wedding ring when she died. I'm not going to take that personally, I know that the death of a child is really hard but I'm not an extension of her daughter, I am my own person.

I just told them that they're no longer invited to the wedding because I was very kind but they didn't respected me, my mother and my girlfriend, I told Ex-MIL that i will make my whole family block them from everything if she keeps trying to make my mother feel bad, until the end she stood her ground and never said 'sorry'. Was I cruel? I don't care, I don't owe them anything. My mother lost her husband and they used that to manipulate her mind. They stopped being my family when their daughter died, I always just had a respectful treat with them, nothing more.

I won't make a table in honor of anyone, I won't make a video in honor of anyone or anything like that, I'll only have my brother's favorite beer and wine because it's something that that cute drunk told me in life that he wanted haha. My wife said she never lost anyone close to her so she really doesn't need to pay tribute to anyone.

The only thing that will be honored will be the union of me and my wife's because that's the thing that makes my days perfect and filled with happiness. I don't like symbolic things because I believe that the dead are dead and that's it, they are not still by my side or anything like that but that's MY belief and point of view, everyone can have a different point of view.

To be honest I thought I would get a lot of YTA, Since my father passed away it has seemed strange to me how people see widows and widowers, everyone wanted my mother to continue loving my father even after he passed away and when it happened to me I felt the same pressure.

"I'm a bad bad person for loving my girlfriend so much more than I loved her?", "Am I wrong for feeling that the worst loss in my life was my brother's and not my wife's or father?", "all the widows have pictures of their deceased partners, I'm a bad person for not wanting to do that?" "Should I still wear my wedding ring like the widows from the grief counseling does? But I don't want to" or "Am I a bad person for not feeling anything for her anymore?"

I felt guilt many times long time ago. They were questions that I asked myself daily as soon as I began my relationship with my wife, questions that I don't ask at all anymore but they really tortured me because what is usually expected of a widower is that we are that forever, never the husband, eternally the Melancholic character even if we have found someone new.

We are always expected to love our deceased partner even if we have a new person because "you can romantically love two people at the same time" but what if I don't want to? What if that's not for me and I want to give all my love to just one person? What if i want to move on with my life?. I think at this point I'm just venting so I'm sorry if you made it this far, haha

Be kinder to new wives and husbands, I felt ready to start dating two years later and i met the love of my life, but I know a lot of married people who shouldn't be because they're still grieving and sending all that mental load to their partners. Please learn that it is good to be alone when you do not feel ready, there's nothing wrong with being single.

Thanks for the people who gave me good advices even if some of them were pretty weird. I had an agitated weekend so now I just want to watch tv with my gf.

Comments

That_Survey5021: You didn’t have kids together right? If not. Move on from your Ex in-laws. They are never going to treat your new wife w/o thinking of their daughter. Which means there’s always going to be a problem. When you have a kid. You didn’t name it after her. When you buy a house. You can’t bring her to the house you live with with your wife. When you go on a vacation. You went there with your wife and your sullying it by bringing your new wife. It’s never going to stop.

JuliaX1984: Isn't it great how love can give us courage to stand up for others when we wouldn't do it for ourselves? Great job, all of you!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

The girl (18F) I like kissed me (19M) when I dropped her off. What do I do?

: June 6, 2024

We met at work and became friends fast, now we spend a ton of time together. We started playing video games together so if we’re not working together we’re on the mic together.

I took her to get poke and boba after work. She touched my hand when she laughed and I almost died. When I dropped her off at her place she just leaned over and kissed me, thanked me, said she would be waiting for me on the game we play, then got out of the car.

Not going to lie, that was my first kiss, and I am a super virgin. My mind is reeling and I don’t know what to do. I kind of want to ask if she’s my girlfriend but that seems crazy. I don’t want to ask her and make her think I’m clueless (I am) and she laughs or never talks to me again. Also if the kiss was bad and she wants to pretend it never happened I don’t want to humiliate myself. I don’t even know if that was a date or not. Maybe I just move on and see what happens next? But I’d really like to try to make a move if she’s into me. I really don’t know.

Sorry, I wasn’t sure if I should add it to this post or make a new one so I just made a new one! Thank you everyone for helping me!

: June 9, 2024

Hi everyone! Thank you to everyone who responded, I really appreciated all the advice and reassurance. I was fully panicking and didn’t know what to do. I got a bit overwhelmed with comments and did not respond to all of them, but trust me when I say I read and appreciated every single one. I also want to add that I know my post wasn’t very popular but I was not sure how else to update, so I’m making a new one. I’m a bit jittery right now and I’m probably going to include too much detail, but I’m just very, very happy.

So, we went out on a date! The day after I made the post I dropped her off at home after work, I asked if she wanted to go to the mall with me this weekend. She laughed and said okay, then I actually kissed her this time which was awesome. I was very, very nervous the whole time.

The mall was fun, I chose it because it’s casual and there’s a lot of stuff we both like there. We got drinks and she asked for a sip of mine, and drank straight from my straw which did something to me. She hugged me a lot, she let me kiss her a bunch, we held hands, I put my hand on her back, I even played with her hair! It was really, really nice. All in all we just looked at cool stuff and hung out together which was all I wanted anyway. We went to dinner at a noodle place, she fed me something she wanted me to try. I don’t even remember what it tasted like because I was too busy panicking because she was feeding me. She also stole a dumpling off of my plate which was really, really cute. I didn’t even care that I lost a dumpling.

I went in her house for a while and she mostly just showed me her anime figures and PC set up, but it was still surreal the whole time. I told her she was pretty and smelled good and she laughed, and told me I was handsome and smelled good, which made me almost turn into soup. I think we technically made out on her bed for like 15 seconds. I told her she was my first kiss and she laughed and called me cute. I almost turned to dust. When I left she told me to message her when I get home so that she knows I’m safe, and again, I nearly died right then and there.

That was really it! I’m home now and my heart is still practically pounding! I almost asked her if she was my girlfriend again but I learned from the comments that that is a terrible idea, and I’m going to wait a few weeks and a few more really great dates to ask her to be my girlfriend. We’ve been messaging practically constantly since I got home. I’m sorry the update was boring and rambling and stupid, I’m just really, really happy.

: June 30, 2024

If those were removed, I found a copy of my original post and update :)

Hi everyone! This is probably really dumb but I wanted to make one last update for my post. I really wanted to express gratitude and appreciation for everyone that responded and tried to help me. The internet isn’t always a nice place, but you guys were nicer to me than almost anyone in my life and I’m very, very thankful.

The last few weeks have been amazing. We’ve been going on dates and doing nothing, which I never knew could be so fun. I’m surprised that I never run out of things to talk about with her. We’ve been friends for well over a year, and I’d think it would have stopped by now, but it’s like we never shut up or stop laughing.

She has told me she was waiting for me to make a move for forever. She admitted she had been dropping hints for months, and I’m painfully oblivious. That’s why she finally just kissed me.

Something that I never understood was feeling so protective over a person. She works at the customer service desk and I’m pretty much a box boy, so sometimes while I’m in the back building box forts she’s getting yelled at, and it makes me really upset. I don’t like seeing people treat her poorly. With that being said she is tough. She says it’s her Latin blood but I think she’s just special.

An unforeseen benefit of this is my self esteem has improved tremendously. She’s very, very pretty in every aspect. I never would have imagined someone like her would be into me. She is helping me realize that I’m not still the tall, scrawny Asian kid in a Pokémon t-shirt with glasses and acne. Now I’m a tall, somewhat muscular Asian man in a Pokémon t-shirt with contacts and a skin care routine. That’s a joke, mostly. In reality I guess I didn’t realize I was likable in any way, shape, or form, and being liked by someone so absolutely amazing has been incredible.

Though it might too much information, I am no longer a super virgin. With that being said, sex is nice but I’m just happy I get to spend time with her. I didn’t realize how happy the little things like hand holding and kissing would make me. Just looking at her sometimes makes me melt.

Finally, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old due to the rules of the sub.

Mood Spoiler: Happy ending

Original : June 27, 2024

I 38M have a son and a stepson who are both similarly aged, my son Mark 15M and Stepson Luke 14M. Mark was defiantly a mommas boy, and unfortunately his mum/my wife died when he was 8. It's been a huge struggle raising him, especially since he has completely different interests to me which is completely fine, but makes things difficult. Someone who has been a great figure in his life is my sister/his aunt May, as she is really into the same interests as Mark and they have a great time whenever she babysits.

A few years ago I met my girlfriend Laura 37F, who was a single mum since Luke's dad was never in the picture. Me and Luke actually really hit it off since Laura introduced me to him. He never really had any male role models, since Laura only had sisters, and her dad died when she was a teenager. He's also into a lot of the same stuff I'm into which is where the conflict started to arise.

I've tried a couple of times to take Mark to football matches, but he just doesn't have any interest in it, so May looked after Mark when I'd go to football games a couple of times a year. However Luke was incredibly excited to go to games with me, as he's never been before but is a big fan.

Recently, May spoke to me in private and said that Mark was incredibly jealous of Luke spending time with me alone, and asked that I not go to a Formula 1 event with him next weekend (I asked Mark if he wanted to go, but had no interest in it). They both are really good friends, but Mark felt like I loved Luke more than him which admittedly broke my heart. Even though he doesn't go to football with me, I still make sure to take him to things that he'd enjoy such as West End shows, and concerts of his favourite singers.

I said to May that although I understand and try to speak to Mark, it would be incredibly unfair to Luke to stop taking him out and to not take him out next week when he's been excited for it for so long. May said that I needed to put my own son first and that I was damaging my relationship with him.

Those words have kind of cut deep and I was wondering AITA?

Relevant Comments:

OOP clarifies:

Just to clarify I didn't mean "mommas boy" in a bad way at all. It was a term my wife used to use for him considering how close they were, and also to highlight that it was a huge blow for him when she died. When he was younger he was kind of shameless about his mum being the favourite parent in a really cute way

Commenter: INFO: Do you offer to take him to West End shows etc. , or does he have to ask?

Do you show enthusiasm for his interests or are you just going along?

OOP: Both if that makes sense. I'll often ask if he wants to go do something on a weekend/bank holiday, and he picks a show he'd like, and if there's something new or that he really wants to go to, he'll ask me.

I try to show enthusiasm as much as I can, but I can't match his energy. For example, the last thing we went to together was a Taylor Swift show, and I don't think I could even nearly match the enthusiasm of Mark, May and the rest of the crowd. I do like seeing how happy it makes him though

OOP is voted YTA

Update : June 30, 2024 (3 days later)

First of all I want to thank everyone who gave comments. I felt some of the comments and messages I received were judgemental and hurtful, but accepted that most people seemed to think I was the Asshole in the situation, so rather than defend myself my priority was to make things right with my son Mark.

I spoke to him and opened up by telling him how much I loved him and how I wouldn't change anything about him, and that he inherited all of the qualities I loved so much about his mother. He seemed pretty confused when I said that and said he really appreciated it but asked where it was coming from.

I told him that I heard that he was getting jealous about the time I was spending with Luke 1 on 1, and that I'd hate for him to think or feel that I was abandoning him by spending time with Luke. He then had a bit of an embarrassed look on his face and reassured me that he didn't feel abandoned or jealous of Luke. I then mentioned how May said otherwise, and he then visibly cringe.

He then told me that he was jealous, but of me rather than Luke. That he thought Luke was incredibly nice to him when they first met and was really excited to have a friend like him since most of his friends through his school and clubs are girls. That he'd like to spend more time hanging out just the two of them, but he's much interested in hanging out with me rather than him.

I instantly felt relief about the situation, and asked if he's spoke to Luke about hanging out more, and he said that he hasn't as he didn't know what to ask to do or to come across as weird. I asked what they both had in common, and he said they liked similar video games, music and films/tv, so I offered to buy them both tickets to any upcoming film they'd both want to see and that if there are any upcoming concerts or gigs that they'd want to go to, that I'd buy them tickets if that's something they'd like.

Mark was really happy at that suggestion, as well as Luke and Laura. Especially Laura because Luke doesn't really have many friends and she was really worried about how he would get on if there was any blending of families. So turns out they were both wanting to be better friends with eachother but neither one wanted to express it out of fear of rejection from the other.

OOP's Comment:

Have to admit that when I saw the comments and messages in the original that I was really scared I fucked up big time, but over the moon that everything worked out

Context:

despite the fact that Jesus clearly drove a Honda Accord, but didn't talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own accord” - John 12:49

Examples:

"that's not even a true belief amongst most Christians. God is forgiving and loves everybody."

"I could care less about the stickers beliefs but why do all this work and add ons only to make the stickers blow your rear view?"

This is a repost. The original was posted in by User poesmiauwkomeensgauw. I'm not the original poster.

September 11, 2022

Throwaway, for obvious reasons.

This all started when my girlfriend (21) and I (M24) started watching the LOTR movies. Since we both had never seen them before. We have seen the first and second now.

She started crawling around the house like Sméagol and Gollum since we watched the second movie. It started as a joke, but she doesn’t stop. She keeps grabbing at my clothes like gollum does in the movies. Sometimes even grabbing my crotch and calling it “my precious”. It makes me feel super uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do. She has also grabbed raw meat and fish out of my hands while I was cooking. I don’t think it’s funny anymore.

I have told her before it makes me uncomfortable and she told me she’d stop. But she doesn’t stop. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want our relationship to end like this.

Notable comments:

• Asked my bf if he would leave me if I acted like Sméagol and he said I already do :(

• Maybe she is just subtly asking for you to "put a ring on her finger"

• Yeah he might not want to take her to a volcano after giving her a ring, then again...

September 28, 2022, 17 days later

A quick summary for those who haven´t read my previous post. After watching the first two Lord Of The Rings movies my girlfriend (21) wouldn’t stop acting like Sméagol. I complained how she crossed my boundaries a couple of times and that I was afraid our relationship would end because of this.

I’ve read all your comments and I came to the conclusion that it was just lighthearted fun. After making the post I started seeing the humour in it.

We have watched the third movie and we both really enjoyed it.

So what did I do? She continued acting like Sméagol for the last weeks, and yes there were still moments where it made me uncomfortable. (Like the constant referring to my member as ‘my precious’) But I was able to brush it off.

As the comments suggested I tried outsmeagoling her. So when she would behave like this I would do it back. I assumed this would make it stop, but no. It made it worse. We’ve had moments where we couldnt stop laughing because we kept interacting like Smeagol to eachother.

This is fine and funny in private, but because we started doing it all the time it became something that would happen in public too. (Like when you do something ironically you cant stop doing it after a while.)

We were having dinner with her parents and we were talking to each other in Smeagol voice. (Her parents were both in the kitchen). Her mother came over to ask me something and I accidentally replied in the Smeagol voice and it was super awkward. My girlfiend now makes fun of me for that. Which is fair, I guess.

After all, this story has a happy ending and I think I like my girlfriend even more now.

Notable comments:

• Waiting for the next Update to be: "Help, I got carried away as Smeagol and bit my gf's finger off and she broke up with me. How do I get her back?" Anyway, happy for you OP!

• She calls his penis "my precious". She is never breaking up with him, ever. Anyway, happy for you OP!

I'm not the original poster.

Posted 8 months ago. October 2023.

I (20f) am a full time college student and I live at home. My living at home is largely because my mother has 3 children that are younger than I am and she works a ton, and when she’s not working she’s sleeping, so I am essentially their primary caregiver. It is to the point where I watch and take care of my little siblings more than my mom does, and they listen to me more than they do her. I love them more than life itself, but being a caregiver to children I never had is exhausting. Especially since she pays me very very little for it, and I can’t get a job because they’d have nowhere to go if I did. I am stuck caring for them, but it is worth it because they need a mom figure.

My mom has been acting weird lately, so I figured she was pregnant. I found a paper in her bag that confirmed just that, and I have no idea what to do. I cannot take care of another child that I had no say in creating. I can’t do it. I’m exhausted and I just can’t. She’s only been with her boyfriend for a couple of months, and I have no doubt that he’ll leave and leave her a single mom again. Which will make me have to step up and be a parent. If I have to do it all over again, I want to get a job and leave. Even if I have to juggle a full time job and college, it seems like the better option. But my mother will likely refuse to get child care for my little siblings. And my oldest little siblings are too young to have to deal with this. And I can’t leave them here alone. I want to voice this to her but I don’t even know what I’m expecting and I’m terrified that it’ll completely shatter my already shaky relationship with my mom. What do I do? She hasn’t even announced it to us yet, but Ive been sobbing nonstop since I found out. Do I say something, and if so, how do I say it?

..........................................................................................

Posted 6hrs ago. 06JUL2024

Trigger warning: sensitive content about mental health and whatnot.

Hi everyone, been a long time coming. I’ve had so many people requesting some kind of update and I held off for a long time because my previous post garnered so much hate and attention. It was overwhelming and distressing, but so many of you were also so helpful so I want to thank you for that. I want to preface by saying that this update isn’t exactly what you guys were hoping for but it works and I am okay. Now, onto the update.

So, for awhile there I gave my mom absolute radio silence. I was disgusted by her truthfully, didn’t want to see her or look at her. I had SO much anger and resentment and I still do. So I said or did nothing and gave her the cold shoulder. And then she announced it on Halloween, like it was some joyous thing. Great, thanks mom! Another kid for me to raise. To her announcement all of my younger siblings were very clearly upset, as was I. I cannot pretend to be happy anymore so I wasn’t. And she cried for hours and we all went on as if the announcement was never made. (my little siblings convinced themselves it was a joke) Not the most mature thing to do, but I am beginning to realize that I am parentified so it comes as no shock that then I was scared to hurt my mom’s feelings.

I continued to give her the cold shoulder and began picking up babysitting gigs for other people to make some money. If this was going to be a thing, I’d need the money to get out. She continued playing pretend with her boyfriend while acting as if her pregnancy wasn’t a thing to her kids faces. This was the norm for awhile until she came to me one day crying, saying that she didn’t know what to do. I told her how I felt: that Ive raised my little siblings for the last several years of my life. I sacrificed my teenage years to step up and be a parental figure to kids that I never birthed. And that I wouldn’t do it again. That she would have absolutely no help from me with this baby because I am NOT giving up anymore of my life for her kids. I have spent every year since I turned 20 grieving the life that I never got to have. Hating my mother for making me feel like I couldn’t go off to college. And I wouldn’t ruin my 20’s for her either. She could do what she wanted, her body her choice, but I would not be involved in that child’s life.

She scheduled an appointment to terminate the pregnancy the same day. Which was a relief and an insult simultaneously. How dare you be excited ONLY when you thought I’d raise your kid for you?? Anyway, moving on. I am not a heartless monster and I know that terminating a pregnancy isn’t an easy choice. So I went with her and held her hand, even cried with her. And a few weeks later I fell into the worst place mentally ever. I was incredibly angry at her and honestly blamed myself for my mom’s choice. I started to feel suicidal and depressed and I made the choice to begin therapy. It’s not easy, at all. But it’s a start. Once my mom learned that being a stand in parent was causing these suicidal thoughts she arranged childcare so I could actually get a job and feel like I was doing something with my life.

Things were going great, until a couple of months ago when my mom started dating a new guy. I asked her if they were having sex, which she said yes, they were. I also asked her if she was using protection to avoid the situation we were in several months prior; she swore on my life that she was. “I wouldn’t be so stupid” she told me. Well, she got her period early and told me that she had BV again, all of which began to show me that the second thing wasn’t true. And I accidentally saw a text on her phone confirming that she lied on my life, and they weren’t using protection. So I blew up. We argued and she made it seem like the fact that I looked at a notification was SO much worse than the fact that she lied on her daughter’s life.

I went into a really really bad place mentally after that. I felt like my life meant nothing to her. I cried often and the suicidal thoughts came back. I screamed at her, told her how it made me feel. I shouldn’t have screamed but there are no words to describe the hurt that the situation caused. And then she came to me crying, telling me that she’s sorry. I didn’t tell her it was okay, because it’s not. It will never be and it still makes me cry now. I also told her that the only thing that could maybe fix our relationship is her starting therapy. Because there are no excuses for my mom’s actions, but she is a broken woman with a lot of trauma. And she needs to end this cycle because her kids DO NOT deserve this. So she started therapy, which is also a step.

So that’s where everything with her is at now. Now for a small update on me: I am one semester away from being able to substitute teach! Which will help me immensely as substitutes get paid well in my state. I am also switching my major to nursing this fall, which is so very exciting. This is the first time in my life that I’ve been able to look to the future and see SOMETHING. For awhile there I’d hoped I wouldn’t live to see one. I still live at home, but it’s bearable now. I am a nanny for another family, and have a steady income. So I’m doing better. Still struggling mentally but I’ll get there. The #1 take away from this scenario? Parentification is a hard thing to undo. I am a broken person currently, but I can be fixed. And I pray one day I am a much better mother than she has ever been.

This is a repost. The original was posted in by User ThrowRA-fisosi. I'm not the original poster. Since OOP has deleted their account, this is concluded.

January 11, 2022

My boyfriend and I met (through a mutual friend) and started dating a few months ago. We're head over heels for each other. This weekend I met his parents. We went over to their house to have dinner. The moment I see his dad it hits me: he's my ex friend with benefits. We hooked up regularly (met through a dating app) for about a year until a year ago when he told me that he wanted to start seeing someone and for our fling to end. I was, of course, ok with this. The woman that he wanted to date then and for which he stopped our sex sessions is my boyfriend's stepmom, I guess.

The entire meeting was uncomfortable and awkward to say the least. His dad and I didn't exchange any words in private. I could barely look him in the eyes at the dinner table. Anyway, we eventually leave and I text him about the entire situation. He said that if I want to date his son long-term I can't tell him what happened between us and we have to act casual around each other, the past is the past after all.

Ever since then I've been constantly thinking whether I should be honest with my boyfriend or not. I don't want to keep any secrets from him and it also makes me feel kind of uneasy since it's a pretty important detail to be hiding from somebody, especially your SO. I don't wanna lose him either because I really love him a lot.

What do you suggest I should do?

Notable comments:

• 🎼here’s to you mrs Robinson 🎵

• Long term secrets will eat you up inside. If at some point the dad can't keep it up (no pun intended) it will come out and the BF will want to know why you lied all this time. I'd also be concerned that if I broke up with the BF the dad will then tell the BF why. I think you need to be honest either way.

• So the first thing - you can't not tell your boyfriend. If you stay in a relationship with him it will eventually come out, and the lie will be on par with cheating in terms of emotional impact. If you do tell him, don't go into detail unless he asks. "I was FWB with your dad last year" is better than "I used to fuck your dad twice a week for almost a year". Try and spare his imagination in that at least. Finally, accept that it's a 90%+ likelihood that it's over. This one will hit him close to home, and it's not something he may be capable of accepting and continuing a relationship with you over. Please, don't lie. It'll destroy him more the longer it remains untold, and may destroy his family too if it's hidden. I'm sorry shit worked out like this, no one here had done anything wrong until his dad asked to keep it quiet.

January 14, 2022, 3 days later

In the end, I've decided to tell my boyfriend everything, but first I wanted to get to the bottom of what went down with his dad and now wife. Apparently, he really wasn't cheating surprisingly, yes, they've been together for a few years now but up until the point of marriage (when he broke off our FWB arrangement) they were in an open relationship. I even talked with the wife on the phone and she confirmed this. So yeah, thankfully the dad isn't a cheating POS after all and I wasn't his mistress. He told me that he wanted me not to tell my boyfriend because he truly didn't want him to get hurt and wished our relationship would go on as smoothly as possible, but if I really felt like the right thing to do is to tell him I can go ahead. So I did.

I sat my boyfriend down and just told him everything. At first he was shocked, then angry and then he started to calm down a little bit. He told me he needed time to think about it and what his decision is about the future of our relationship so I said ok and gave him space and time. Today, he called me to meet up. He said that after a lot of thought he decided that he wanted to continue with our relationship, since what happened in the past wasn't done with will intent. So basically, he said that the past is the past and the present is the present and we should just live by that.

Notable comments:

• Imagine when you guys have childrens and they find out that you used to sleep with grand dad, ewww, anyways congrats.

• Good for you for telling but this is bound to sink in more and more for you BF in the coming months. It would bother me to no end that the first person you went to for advise was his dad/your ex. It says who you put first.

• Well guess I’m checking back in about 6 months - this feels like a situation that won’t resolve itself with time. Maybe this dude is hella mature and one of those go with the flow - love is a gift types and this will all work out, but his initial anger doesn’t really speak to that. This has the chance of great growth I suppose, but you’re delusional if you think this dude is t going to think about this late at night when it get real quite. Also, intrusive thoughts are a bitch and I can only imagine the havoc this guys thoughts are going to go through when they are intimate together. Whether he’s ok with it or not - I know being reminded of either of my parents in the middle of sexy times is an immediate buzzkill - by transitive property OP and this guys dad are intrinsically linked on the topic of sex. Or maybe he’ll be a bro about it and ask for comparison. If that last sentence seems overly insensitive though, don’t expect the relationship to last, if you can’t eventually find a crumb of humor in the tough subjects of a relationship then it’s pretty doomed in the future. Hope everything works out and update if something does happen 🍿

I'm not the original poster.