I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS

Originally posted on

Content warning: drug abuse, drug use during pregnancy

- June 28th, 2024
- July 2nd, 2024

I just found proof that my pregnant wife has relapsed

Hi,

I’m going to put a trigger warning here because this contains mentions of drug use.

My wife is addicted to heroin. I said it. I created this account just to be able to admit this somewhere. I have a hard time saying it even though I’ve been to many nar-anon meetings. I used to be able to say it easily, back when I was seething with anger toward her the first time we did this song and dance.

I have a regular Reddit account that I sometimes post in a parenting sub on and I don’t really want this tied to my account. Maybe I will post about it there when I’m ready, but this isn’t something I readily share or am ready to share. I thought I was past having to talk about this all the time or think about it every single day. When I went through this with her the first time, there was a period where I probably only really talked to other loved ones of addicts because they were the only people who could understand what I was going through. I’m sorry to say I’ve lost touch with all of them.

I’ve just been sitting here on my couch crying for 15 minutes. I felt like she’s been off the past few days. She fell asleep early tonight, so I took the opportunity to search the house. I found her supplies hidden in various places. I already knew, but I needed the proof. So I tore the house apart until I found proof. She strategically placed the items in different places, not all together. I feel oddly vindicated, since she kept assuring me she hadn’t taken anything. It starts to make you feel crazy. In a weird way I wanted to find proof, just so I wouldn’t feel so crazy anymore. On the other hand, I didn’t want to find anything.

She has a long history of drug use, mainly pain meds and heroin. It started when she was a teenager and was prescribed pain meds after a bad injury. She was a normal girl then, not into anything bad or illegal, not hanging around with people who did drugs, not somebody you’d think would wind up a heroin addict by the time she got to college. She got hurt playing a high school sport. She got addicted and started buying pills on the street until that became too expensive and she turned to heroin. I didn’t know her then. I met her when she was 26 and she’d been clean for only about 6 months (she’d been clean off and on for years, but only for short times). She shouldn’t have been dating me, or anyone for that matter, since they generally advise not dating anyone for a year when you’re in recovery. I’ve never been a drug user. I knew very little about this world before meeting her. She didn’t tell me about it until we’d been dating for probably a month or so. It was a huge shock. She seemed totally normal, so sweet, so pretty and healthy looking, had a good job, was smart and just seemed together.

We got married a year after meeting. I’ve kicked myself so many times for being so stupid, so unrealistic. I loved her so much, still do but now my love feels polluted or tarnished.

We wanted kids but decided to wait a while. I at least realized she needed to be in recovery for a longer period of time before we took that step. She got pregnant after we’d been married about 3 years. She’d been clean for nearly 5 years and things in our lives were going great. My career was going so well. Her life was back on track, she was doing really well and being promoted at work. We had a dog that she doted on. We bought a new house. It was early on in her first pregnancy when I discovered she was using again. It came out that she’d started using again shortly before getting pregnant. We separated legally and lived separately as well, with me paying for everything. She continued to use heroin for months while pregnant, but finally entered an outpatient program for pregnant women.

So I’m really rambling now, sorry. She followed the instructions during the later half of her pregnancy (was under a specialist’s care, had to take prescribed opiates since quitting cold turkey while pregnant can be more dangerous), but eventually got clean from everything within a few months of our child’s birth. By some huge miracle our baby was born pretty healthy, small but within normal range. She suffered from very mild neonatal abstinence syndrome, with mild symptoms that lasted a few days. It was still excruciating to watch her endure, but it could have been much worse. I had primary custody and still lived separate from her, but she had regular contact with the baby (always supervised). She did everything she was told to do, passed all the drug tests, went to every meeting. That was 4 years ago.

Initially I didn’t plan to stay married to her. I was disgusted by what she did while pregnant with our child. I’m still disgusted by it but don’t think about it like I used to. Over the past 4 years we have slowly repaired our relationship and marriage.

Again, things have been going great. She made a huge effort. She was sticking with her recovery program and really seemed dedicated to it. She got really into whole body health, physical and mental, and seemed like the best version of herself I’ve known. This pregnancy wasn’t planned. She’s about 12 weeks pregnant with our second child. She was supposedly on birth control.

I was scared. Her being pregnant again was giving me some sort of ptsd. We had the talk early on. I couldn’t deal with what she put me through last time. And if she was tempted to do anything she shouldn’t or if she did it just one time to please tell me. It’d be better to tell me than to hide and lie about it.

It wasn’t until this week that I knew something was off. There’s a certain look in her eyes, her voice changes, her mannerisms change, even her smell changes. I can just see the smallest signs of when she’s used any amount of something. I swore I would never let myself be as oblivious as I was the first time around. She’s not been nodding out or anything like that in front of me, but I just knew. She’s been getting home earlier than me due to some classes she taking for a job related certification. I think she’s using during that gap and it’s sort of worn off by the time I get home but the signs are still evident enough for me.

I haven’t woken her up. I wanted to. I wanted to scream at her. Instead I just sat in the living room and cried. I don’t know how I survived this the first time, but I don’t think I’ll survive it a second time.

Relevant Comments

weakearnings

It’s heartbreaking to think you were finally in a good place and now this happens. Addiction is brutal and sneaky. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel angry and hurt. Take care of yourself and your child first. She needs help, but you can't carry this alone.

I feel so many things I almost can’t make sense of it all right now. I feel angry, hurt, betrayed, guilty, the list goes on.

imSOhere

With her previous history, and an addict-born baby already I would contact her OB right now, she needs early intervention this time, before she needs daily opioids to stay stable.

Op, my heart goes to you, my oldest son is an opioid addict, everything goes for him, I love him more than I love myself, any parent knows what I’m talking about, but if he weren’t my son I would have turned my back a long time ago, dealing with an addict is extremely life draining.

If I were in you shoes, I would contact her doctor immediately, take your child, and tell her she needs to go to inpatient rehab right now. Keep in contact with her, is best for the pregnancy, but no romantically, support her as you would a family member that you want to succeed, because you want her to, she will always be your children’s mother.

Don’t make any decisions regarding your marriage, other than to don’t be sexually active with her, until the birth of the baby, but make all necessary arrangements in case you need to file for divorce later on. It sucks, I know it does, but life gave you these cards, learn to play with them, your children are your priority right now.

I don’t know what my full plan is yet but she just left the house. She has an exam for the certification she’s been going to classes for, so I decided not to bring anything up this morning. Plus, our daughter doesn’t need to be present when I confront her. I’ve taken today off work because I knew mentally I wouldn’t be able to concentrate, plus I was worried she’d pick our daughter up from daycare early before I got home and I can’t let her get high with our daughter there at home. It’s still early where we are so her doctors office isn’t open yet.

TAsickandtired

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have much in the way of advice, but I’ll be 25 years clean from heroin in a couple months. It can be done. It can be beaten. There is some hope. Wishing you and your family peace and healing.

Congratulations on your recovery time. As I’m sure you know, statistically your story is not typical for heroin addicts. And I’m not naive to that. I didn’t think I lived in a world where I was letting myself believe “but not MY wife.” I guess I have been living in that world.

Update - Four days later

I posted recently about discovering my wife has relapsed on heroin.

She’s 12 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby, although this one wasn’t planned.

I’m having a pity party tonight so what better to do than post here? But really, I’m not ready to share with our family and friends yet. I will not be enabling her by covering up for her. I just want to get my ducks in a row. I know I’m not really alone but for some reason late at night in days like this I feel like the loneliest person in the world.

My parents know that she relapsed because I told them. The day after I found my wife’s drug gear hidden throughout the house I immediately moved our 4 year daughter and myself to my parents’ house. Yeah I know in an ideal world she’d be locked out of our house, but doesn’t work that way when she’s also legally an owner of the house. Plus, one thing I learned the first time around when I was dealing with her addiction is that I can really only control my actions/reactions. Trying to control her will only drive me crazy. So the easiest l, fastest, most stress free way to get my daughter out of that setting was to quickly move is into my parents’ home. I am planning to go get a truckload of our things later this week.

I’ve informed her family that she’s relapsed and that I’ve moved out of the house. They can do with that information what they want.

I filed for divorce today. Luckily I have a friend who is a lawyer (not family law) and he was able to set me up very quickly with a good family law attorney. Well, I shouldn’t say it’s officially filed because there are still a few paperwork steps to be done but it’s imminent and in good hands.

After meeting with the attorney I went to be car and sobbed like a baby. I admit I cried for a good hour tonight too. I’m not usually a crier like this. I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve been doing a lot of it lately. Otherwise, I’m full of rage. I’m angry at her and angry at myself for giving her another chance. I’m angry because it makes me feel like a fool. When she lies to me and acts as if I’m some idiot who can’t clearly see all of the signs and how high she is right there in front of me I get so mad that I have to remove myself because I don’t know that I can control myself.

I’m sad for her, for me, for our daughter, for this unborn baby she has mother agreed to abort. It’s really fucking depressing when you’re trying to convince your wife to abort your child because she’s such a mess.

I should have divorced her just as I’d planned to do after our daughter was born. We were already legally separated for a while and it would have been easy to just push that in through to an official divorce.

It’s like a can’t breathe.

Then there’s the whole issue of our daughter. Courts don’t automatically strip somebody of custody because they’re on drugs. She won’t completely lose access to our daughter. She may even get unsupervised access to our daughter. What am I supposed to do then?

I left all of her drug supplies on the table with a note for her to find when she got home, after my daughter and I had already left. Then I went over there today. I actually went to get some of my personal belongings and she was there in the middle of the day sleeping in bed when she was supposed to be working. I lost it. Nothing physical. Just my temper. I asked her how she liked my note. She was clearly high. She denied it. I found proof right there in the bathroom! She still tried to deny it. She said she doesn’t have to abort our baby if she doesn’t want to. So she’s going to put us through this again? I told her exactly what I think about her and I left.

I felt bad and there’s part of me that wants to help her but emotionally I don’t think I can. I have to remove myself. I can’t get sucked in again or I won’t be able to be a good dad to our daughter. And fyi by sucked in I mean just sucked into the emotional turmoil, the constant worrying, the taking everyone on by myself for her sake. I’m not a heroin user and have never tried the stuff and never will.

Anyway, I’m glad to have my daughter because I feel like she’s this positive light keeping me going right now when I really don’t want to keep going. I know I’m making the right decision to divorce, but it doesn’t feel good right now. I feel like my life just imploded overnight.

Relevant Comments

slipperysquirrell

Anger is just sadness and disappointment. It's good to cry. It gets all that pain out. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I'm also really sorry but she's going through this. I doubt she wanted her life to turn up this way. It's too bad she has so many people that she's hurting. I'm glad you got your daughter out and you're safe. Hopefully you don't have a problem trying to get your half of the house. If she's not working I doubt she's going to be able to pay mortgage payments.

Yeah, for legal purposes I won’t discuss my plan regarding the house as far as what I’m requesting in the divorce, but I hope it can be resolved quickly. I make all the payments on the house, but that doesn’t mean much.

Quizzy1313

As a caseworker I urge you to go to CPS immediately. Be a walk in and refuse to leave until you speak with a triage caseworker to help you report. Get ahead of it now because she is going to birth this baby addicted to drugs if she does not abort it or its a still birth. There's many things that will haunt me when I die but nothing more than the screams of a baby born addicted to drugs. Get yourself assessed as a good father in CPU'S eyes because they will be going through your life and your daughters with a fine tooth comb.

Evidence. Evidence. Evidence.

REMEMBER - THIS IS A RE-POST SUB. I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL (ORIGINAL) POSTER.

MARKED ONGOING

If you have comments, keep them HERE. DO NOT brigade over to the original post to comment. DO NOT harass the OOP with dms or replies.

I am not OP. That is who posted to and their own page

TW: home invasion, murder, death of a parent, death of a pet, emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, domestic abuse, threats, verbal abuse

Mood spoiler: depressing but hopeful for OP

  Oct 14th, 2021

AITA for yelling at and ignoring my girlfriend over a prank?

I’ve (22M) been with Nicole (25F) for a couple years now and she’s always liked survival stuff and weaponry and all that. I absolutely don’t. Really, really bad experiences with knives when I was younger, and Nicole knows about them. We both love Halloween and usually throw a party and dress up and goof around, cook up pumpkin seeds and watch movies.

Anyway the point is Nicole loves doing tricks with her knives (like five finger fillet, flicking it open and closed, twirling it etc) and she’ll do it when we’re watching a show or movie together - forgetting that I’ve asked her please not to. Or she’ll buy a new one and show it off, asking if I wanted to give it first bite(??) and pout when I say no. Two days ago she was playing with it again and I asked her why she keeps forgetting and she said “wow okay don’t insult my intelligence again” and then that it was just a knife and therefore not a big deal and therefore not that important to remember. After that, she put away the knife and we continued to have an okay night, but I was on edge and jumpy whenever she touched me.

Yesterday she called me into the kitchen. Only she was playing five finger filet... and I startled her and she “messed up”. Badly. I lost my cool. Screamed my head off, tried shouting what I knew about first aid at her while I raced to grab my phone, complete panic, dialing 911, only for her start laughing and show me that it was a “prank” involving red food dye and a carrot.

She had a nice laugh about how I would have known it was a joke if I wasn’t so squeamish about knives, that it’s proof I need to get more comfortable, that anyone with passing knowledge knows that it doesn’t look like that when something like that happens. She kept explaining how she did it, how she practiced, how she could show me, but I didn’t even answer her, it was like my head was underwater and my heart was beating out of my chest. Just moved on autopilot and grabbed my keys and drove a few blocks away before pulling over to breath. Nicole tried to call me and the first thing I said was “it wasn’t funny at all”, and she asked “are you crying?” Then I hung up on her.

She kept texting me, saying she was sorry, that she didn’t think I’d react so badly to a joke, that it was just meant to be good fun in the Halloween spirit. I ignored her. I texted her after that I was home but ignored everything else. This morning she sent the picture of the props to the group chat with a few of our mutual friends, and they chimed in saying “It doesn’t even look real”. I’ve muted the chat since and I’m wondering if I have a leg to stand on before I go back and apologize.

Edit 10/15 5:30pm Further update here:

It’s... overwhelming how much of a response this got, and I tried to read all of your comments. Some of them made me laugh, some warmed my heart, others had very hard truths that I still needed to hear, no matter how raw it left me.

There are a lot of repeating questions and assumptions.

First: we don’t live together. At this point I don’t think we ever will.

Second: I stayed primarily because the good seemed to outweigh the bad. You remember the negatives more than the positive, so obviously I just had to remember her positive qualities instead of being swayed by my focus on the bad times. Plus it was always almost perfect after we had a fight, and I just assumed the boom and bust cycle was normal.

I didn’t know Nicole liked knives at first. A mutual friend (“Crystal”, who was in the group chat, and I met Crystal during a community college course) introduced us as I was new to the area and at first Nicole and I hit it off as we had a lot of shared interests - music, art, outdoors activity, going antiquing, wine, food and cooking... just a lot of things. We started dating and eventually went on a camping and hiking trip, where she used a knife to split some kindling and she was pointing it toward herself. I remember telling her to watch out and she had me to relax because she did it all the time, she asked me if I wanted to do it myself and I admitted I didn’t like knives. Later in the trip we drank by the fire and talked and that’s when I told her about my trauma. She promised to protect me and I remember that exactly because I had the mental image of her fending off a mugger and I joked that she was “my hero”. (My trauma has been brought up after that point, and neither of us were drunk at the time)

My knife issues typically don’t impact my daily life except to make me more apt to be very slow in the kitchen when chopping things.

It doesn’t seem like abuse, especially when we’re good. When it’s bad, it’s really rough. I don’t have really any other baseline as I was a late bloomer dating wise. My dad always said that you should both give 110% in a relationship but everyone argues. I thought working through the rough patches was normal. That’s also why I was preparing to apologize: because it takes two in an argument so I am responsible as well and need to apologize for my part. In this case, ruining the night with my reaction.

I did go through therapy to help cope with the initial incident surrounding my aversion to knives. I was a lot worse when it happened - to the extent where I couldn’t have anyone point the knife in the  direction of another living being, or certain songs on the radio that were playing at the time, or certain smells. I’ve made progress, but clearly not enough to stay with her and deal with her fidgeting with the knives. (I will admit to backsliding a bit in that I seem a lot more anxious when I stay the night and can’t stay asleep, or having more nightmares, which is why I believed her when she said I was overreacting)

Also concerning the fidgeting, it’s not a constant thing. Sometimes she’d go weeks without pulling the knife out. Sometimes she’d complain that I only focus on the fact she had used the knife, versus how long she had abstained, which seems reasonable to point out.

The Verdict was not enough info

  Oct 15th, 2021

A lot of the conversation is paraphrased with quotes that stuck in my mind. I also kept adding to this as things developed and I’m running on zero sleep, so I’m sorry if it’s not very clear.

I did reach out to Nicole again yesterday to talk and I went with the intention of standing my ground and explaining things so she could understand my side. She greeted me with “thanks for gracing me with your presence” and asked if I was here to act my age and talk like an adult. She slammed the door behind me and pointed to the couch so we could discuss things. Nicole opened with my reaction was unreasonable and completely out of line considering the situation. I said that things need to change because that prank wasn’t okay at all and she knows I have issues with knife violence and I asked “what was funny about the prank?” She interrupted and said that ultimatums aren’t part of any relationship so I said “I don’t think this is working out for us, I don’t think we’re happy together.”

Nicole froze at first and I started to explain that the knife thing and our respective stances being so different is not fair to either of us. But she repeatedly asked “so you’re going to break up nearly three years just because of this?” I tried to tell her it was more than just this, it was everything else, it was that she keeps forgetting and triggering me, that she loves playing with them but it upsets me, but she started talking over me and yelling that apparently I think she’s an idiot and that I’m the best actor in the world because she never knew I felt so horrible, and that maybe I should call the cops on her for abuse. She grabbed her cellphone and offered it to me again and again, saying “go on, call” but when I said we just need to talk, she interrupted with “no you won’t because you know, I know, we both know, no cop is going to arrest me for a joke”. Also I’m not very tall- 5’9 and she’s only 5’6 but she was standing right in front of me while I was seated, so I couldn’t get up without moving her.

After throwing her phone on the couch next to me, she stormed into the kitchen shouting that she should get rid of all her knives because I’m so terrified. She threw a few into the sink and then the whole block of knives into the trash, the whole time asking “what about this one? Too sharp? Too scary?”

When I flinched at the noises she said “oh do you feel threatened? How do you think I feel when I have to defend myself against your feelings?!” Nicole told me to quit crying, that I can’t just use tears to manipulate her, and mocked me when I said “please stop”. She said she has to walk on eggshells because she has to deal with a boyfriend that can’t handle a single joke without running off into the night. “It’s not hard to not overreact - literally just think before you go crazy, it’s that simple” and that it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t handle a knife or a gun and I refuse to let go of my victimhood because “anyone normal would have gotten over it by now, it’s been nearly 9 years!”

She called me stubborn and childish for picking this hill to die on, that I’m not innocent, it’s not fair that I’m allowed to ignore her for hours but she can’t have a little fun, and is my ego really that big? It’s sickening that I don’t trust her or think she’s smart or skilled enough to handle a knife properly and it’s sexist, infantilizing and insulting.

At some point I said I think I need to go home and it was like a switch, and she said “Please stop crying, I hate when you cry”, joked (I think, because she laughed?) “I guess hibachi dates are off the table, huh?” and “I should probably take the knives out of the trash now, shouldn’t I?”

She apologized and said since it means so much to me she’ll put in more effort. She admitted that I’m such a sensitive guy that if she stopped doing everything that made me uncomfortable she wouldn’t be able to do anything. She pointed out that I cried watching My Girl the other day as proof that I’m overly emotional and it made sense that she thought I was just being my normal self, but she was sorry for not realizing sooner it was really upsetting me. She promised she would do her best not to bring the knives out when I’m around.

Nicole hugged me and told me to “let go, we can get through this, there’s nothing we can’t get over”, and asked for a chance to start over, fresh start tomorrow, no more jokes. It’s stupid but I just said yes. I wanted to go home, get out of her house and leave while she was still acting nice, and I didn’t hold my ground. I feel like an idiot and a coward. I got home and puked and couldn’t get to sleep again.

Today Nicole came and dropped off lunch and coffee for me, gave me a kiss and said she loved me, and all the old ladies in the office were gushing about how cute we are together. I’m going to reach out to one of the guys I’m closer to and the friend who set us up to find out when Nicole got so into knives. (Because I remember about 7-8 months in it was shortly after the camping trip and it was Nicole’s birthday that she asked for a specific knife as her present, so at least then, but I can’t really remember there being anything major before then). I’m going to break up officially with her tomorrow with one of the guys if possible, so I can get my stuff from her place.

  June 16th, 2024 3 year later

There's previous information in my profile concerning a post I made on AITA a few years ago. I came to Reddit about my girlfriend and her knife prank. It's been a long while since, and I was uncertain if I could update here or there or wherever.

Roll this back over a decade ago for more background. When I was a preteen we experienced a home invasion that resulted in my mother and dog dying and left me with a lifelong phobia of knives and anxiety surrounding blood and break-ins. Directly following the break-in, I was unable to handle a knife being pointed at another living creature. My brain caught on to stupid things and connected them to the events and made them into triggers. Mom's perfume. The sound of glass shattering or a door banging open. A song that was playing at the time. Even now I still hate the song but at least it doesn't trigger a flashback anymore. Blood on beige carpet featured prominently in my nightmares.

I worked extensively with a therapist to process what happened and what I'd seen. Recovery took years of therapy, weeks of inpatient care, medication to help with the nightmares, PTSD, depression and anxiety. We sold the house as soon as we could. I moved out of state as soon as I could. I kept up with therapy and continued to take my medication. My aversion to knives became something minor in how it impacted my life. I was careful in the kitchen and I certainly didn't search out knife throwing competitions, but it was under control in my normal daily life.

It helped that everything seemed to be coming together. I made new friends, I was balancing work and school, I'd just met the girl who'd become my first long term adult girlfriend. I know now it was just the honeymoon phase but it felt like we were progressing well even once infatuation wore off. We stood together through highs and lows and the mediocre middle ground where there's nothing exciting, just the mundane. I thought that was the marker of a steady relationship, to be able to stick together even after the excitement of a new relationship has faded.

We went on a few trips together, driving across state lines to meet her family or flying back to see my dad. On one of our trips we went camping and my fear of knives got brought up. That lead to the break-in getting brought up. She seemed to care at the time, even promising to protect me if something ever happened and offering to help install a camera in my apartment.

After the camping trip, I don't know if it was always there and I noticed it more after or what, but she started to be more obviously into knives. Practicing tricks in front of me, showing videos to me, starting a collection. She even asked for a knife for her birthday that year, showing me exactly which one she wanted. Before, she was into camping, into guns (which ironically I have zero issue with) and how to forage, make shelter, purify water, basic survival stuff, and artillery and tanks. She did multiple courses about military history in college and busted out the textbooks sometimes if she remembered something she thought I would find interesting. But suddenly it seemed like her focus was on carving and skinning animals, on knife wounds and tricks and collecting and displaying knives.

She started doing the tricks more often, in front of me, even when sitting next to me on the couch or at the dinner table. She would gesture with the knife "without thinking" and even point it at me- again, one of my major triggers being knives pointed at people or animals. She started sending me videos of news clips of other break ins, or news reports of robberies ending in murder, between a bunch of other funny videos or pictures, so checking snapchat became a game of Russian roulette. If I didn't check the links sent through text, she'd keep sending them and ask what I thought. She'd forget she had the knife in hand when she came up to me, sometimes from behind. My nightmares came back. My anxiety got worse. No matter how often I reminded her to please stop playing with the knife in front of me, or at least not next to me, she would always forget after a little bit. Some part of me refuses to believe there's no way she risked bodily harm just to unnerve me.

It came to a head when she pulled a prank where she pretended to cut off a finger. We had a huge fight, our biggest one yet. I wish I'd acted differently and hadn't stormed out but I did. There is a lot about my time with Nicole I would do differently in hindsight.

I was so sure I'd just break up with her for good. I don't know why I didn't stay broken up with her. When I did at first, I did it alone because my friend Jack rolled his eyes and called me a p-ssy for wanting back up. So I did it in a coffee shop instead, hoping the public eye could be my backup. Nicole stared at me with this affronted expression and it was like I couldn't find the words anymore. Her eyes were huge and wide and hateful. Like I've never seen anyone glare at me like that. She gripped onto the cup like she was going to throw it at me, I had it in my head to bolt the second she moved because I could see it so clearly. But then she started crying, loudly, and kept asking why I would do this to her and that she hoped I found happiness with someone better since she clearly wasn't enough for me despite doing everything to be a good girlfriend. I felt like shit and people were staring so I wished her well and asked if she wanted me to call a friend but she told me to leave her the fuck alone so I did. I hate how I handled the break up but it felt in the moment like autopilot.

In short order I lost the support of our mutual friends who had become my only friends during my relationship with Nicole, which I understand as they knew her for much longer. Jack actually confronted me and called me a piece of shit for embarrassing her like that in public, calling me trash for leaving her sobbing alone and not even offering her a ride home; he wouldn't listen to my explanations and said I could excuse myself but everyone now knew what kind of guy I really am. People at work mentioned how sad it was that we broke up. I didn't feel like it was the place to explain my reasoning and after the confrontation with Jack I didn't feel like I had a right to. I felt like crap, like a shit person, and I felt numb. I tried to move on, to find a new normal. After about a month of us being broken up, she called me and begged for me to come over to help her, she was scared she'd hurt herself.

I went to her immediately. I held her all night, helped her wash her hair after days of not being able to bring herself to. She admitted she'd done a horrible thing and that she couldn't stand how she'd treated me, that she wished she could go back and change so we could still be together. Didn't know how to address that, so I just stayed with her the whole night, and the next day at work she came by to drop off a homemade lunch and to thank me for being there for her.

I stupidly let myself get sucked back in. I get that it's my fault. Coffee in the morning became dinner and drinks out became movie nights and going to shows and flea markets together because we still had similar interests. One time she even noticed a booth with knives and directed us away, and while yes it wasn't necessary as I could see a knife display and not be freaked out, it was a nice gesture because before she would have gone there and either bought one herself or asked me to buy it for her, one of multiple changes that made me think maybe she was truly making an effort. That at the least maybe we could be friends again. I started to get invited back into the group somewhat.

Two months later she kissed me. We were both drunk and it didn't go any further. I didn't talk to her about it because I thought she didn't remember, but then she approached me to ask if there was any salvaging "Us", if she'd proven that she was different now and things would be better.

I thought maybe. I stayed, because she really had been so sweet, it was like starting over, and we got back together. I was permitted back into the friend group in full (though Crystal had stopped talking to everyone and Jack still refused to talk to me) and while it was awkward at first, soon enough we were acting like we'd never stopped being friends for even a minute. It felt so good to go back to normal, it was like a weight off my chest and like I could breathe again.

It was nice for a while. She was so careful about the knives thing and it really did feel so normal and steady. Sure we had small fights but we always made up shortly after and she'd be overwhelmingly loving after the fact. It felt like it was before, so it felt normal.

I can't pinpoint when it started to creep back but maybe when she started watching documentaries on her phone with the sound up high while sitting next to me, or when she'd poke or grab me while I was cutting up dinner then laugh at my startle response. Or she'd scoff if I teared up watching or reading something then tell me later that it was out of fondness not exasperation and I really needed to stop reading so much into it. Or she'd yell at me for forgetting something that she never even told me about and then the next day she'd get frustrated that I didn't "insist properly" that she was mistaken. Like it was all small things that on their own weren't even that big of a deal and I didn't feel like I could just speak up about it or else I was nitpicking her.

In hindsight I was making excuses and clinging to when she was nice to me, trying to do anything to make sure we just stayed happy and without bumps. Part of it was that I knew now that I'd be alone, that no one would understand why I'd throw away a good relationship, that being with her was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

We moved in together four months after our getting back together. She was hinting around that it was the only way to prove to her that I'd forgiven her and that way we could move on and be happy. She insisted I move into her place because it was easier to move an apartment into a house than the other way around. It constantly felt like she was dangling that night where she was suicidal over me, like one wrong move from me and maybe the next time she wouldn't call for help. When we had fights, she paced through the house flicking a knife, looping from the bedroom to the living room to the office, or said every single argument was really due to the fact I was holding a grudge over the prank and that we wouldn't be arguing if I just "grew up" and stopped taking out my trauma on her. She'd tell me not to piss her off because it would be too easy for her to "make a mistake" and no one would think twice about what happened. A few times she'd gone on a rampage and overturned tables and threw glasses into the sink and dishwasher and said we were done for good— only for the next day to blow up my phone begging me to talk this out or have her friends encourage me to swallow my pride and go back to her because she's miserable without me and she's trying so hard, or she'd just wake me with a kiss after making me sleep on the couch as if the night before never happened. If I asked about the night before, the fight would start all over yet this time it'd be my fault because she was trying to move on but I was holding a grudge.

The following nearly ten months were the most terrifying, anxiety riddled period of my life, and I only had myself to blame. Coming home from work I puked my guts out more than a few times on the way just because I didn't want to go back to her. I felt trapped. She threw away the blanket my mother had knitted me for my crib because it was "dirty". It wasn't dirty, it was a knit blanket that had been repaired repeatedly and hand washed frequently; so she'd "accidentally" put it through the wash and destroyed it, then bought a completely different throw blanket as a replacement and got mad when I didn't consider the matter resolved. She pulled another prank, this time with a fake positive pregnancy test, and berated me for not being overjoyed because I immediately started panicking about the cost, bringing up a child in our dysfunction, and handling the stress, rather than being excited. I feel like she wanted me to be happy so that she could crush my joy, and so was angry that I didn't play to her expectation. That night she threatened me with the knife, pointing it at me and saying she should just snip me right then since I didn't want to have kids with her, and then held me as I sobbed because I went into a panic. I didn't want her touching me, but I didn't know what else to do but let her and to apologize to her. Another time she put the knife to her own throat during a fight and said I clearly want her to kill herself and didn't stop until I screamed at her begging her to stop. Sometimes when driving she'd start speeding and swerving, or closing her eyes while on the highway, and saying my fear meant I didn't trust her.

Nicole just kept getting worse by the day. I remember waking up one morning with a moment of clarity. I knew she'd eventually kill me, I was sleeping next to my murderer. It still wasn't enough to push me away. Escaping her orbit seemed like too much, more than I could handle. Everything I had in me was focused on just surviving day to day. I never knew if she'd break up with me on a whim or pick a fight or be constantly pushing me closer to a panic attack all night or if she'd flip and be so sweet and caring. I felt like every day was Russian roulette hour to hour, every word I said or action I did or didn't do a chance to start a raging fight.

She'd tossed out my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication one night and then during the resulting argument she made a big show of forgiving me for raising my voice (I shouldn't have done that, I have no excuse) and then helping me call in an emergency refill. For weeks after, because I said I wanted to break up during the argument, she would ask if I was going to "try to run away" every time that something went wrong. Takeout order wrong? I spilled a cup of water? Streaming service not working immediately? "Oh don't get your panties in a twist and run off" and "do I have to worry about you leaving me over this mistake, too?"

Eventually that tapered off but maybe once a month during a fight she would tearfully go to our friends and ask them to mediate then during the meetings say that I kept threatening to leave her again over "nothing" and how scared she was of losing me when she "didn't know what set me off". More than a few times she showed me texts from them where her friends were saying how she deserved better and didn't need to put up with me, but she'd tell me "I don't listen to them because I love you anyway".

She'd slap me and push me during arguments. I could never do anything right, because even doing what she wanted without argument or not looking her in the eye could be enough to send her off the rails. Sometimes as a joke just in general one of our friends would pull out a little pack of tissues and hand it over to me "in case I'd run out" or make a production of hiding the butter knife at dinner under the napkin. It was humiliating but if I spoke up, suddenly I was oversensitive, an embarrassment, no fun, and I had to learn how to deal with adult friendships and jokes, and they'd ask her how she could stand it. As a result I didn't spend much time with them either. Usually Nicole would just go out with them and I'd stay home, which was the most relaxing I've ever felt during that time, except for when she started randomly coming home without any notice or timeline (like saying she'd be home at 6 but then not coming back til midnight or early morning, or saying she'd be gone until 10 and coming early back at 2 or 3) or randomly calling the house phone to make sure I was home and getting angry if she even thought I sounded breathless, accusing me of having left.

She started hinting around that marriage would be the logical next step and I was insulting her by not having proposed yet. Then she bought an engagement ring with my credit card and started showing off to all her friends how perfect "my" choice was. I didn't want to marry her. I felt bad for not wanting to marry her. I wanted us to be happy, and maybe giving her the wedding she wanted would help. I didn't want to marry her.

In all those months I never went to sleep feeling safe. I lied awake in bed hyper aware of how close she was and trying to go over in my head if I had behaved well enough to keep her happy and what I could do to prevent another explosion. In hindsight it's sickening how long I let this go on. In the moment it was just about all I could think to do. I often woke up with nightmares which would in turn piss her off and set her off in a mood for the next day but if I suggested sleeping separately she would rage about how I was calling her a shitty girlfriend/fiancee/etc. I started to keep a notebook at work and just writing shit down. Things she'd done or said, incidents and what I'd done to set her off. It helped me feel more sane, and also more like a fucking moron because I could read back on times she actually hurt me and I still hadn't left.

Every time I thought about leaving I felt sick inside. I'd lose every social contact I had. I would have to find a new place to live. I'd have to bar her from my workplace but they can't do anything without a restraining order and that itself felt like a hurdle too. I dropped all my old friends in favor of her and felt like they'd refuse to even talk to me again. I was the idiot that let her back into my life and rekindled the relationship, despite overwhelming feedback. I was stupid enough to deserve every bit of what was happening, and too dumb to deserve to escape after wasting my previous chances. I hated myself and had frequent fantasies of just ending it all.

The worst part wasn't the anxiety and terror though. It was when she was sweet and caring. For example she always went all out for my birthday or anniversaries or Christmas, with thoughtful gifts, except for the year where she kicked me out for the evening after throwing some decorations at the wall because they stopped working (for which she blamed me because I put them up). She was sweet and gentle one day, or even for a week or two, only to slowly start ramping up the tension until she exploded yet again. She had an uncanny ability to blame me in ways that made me feel responsible for her emotions and for forcing her to react violently.

When we drove out to visit my dad for Easter things started to change. Dad was concerned about how quiet I'd become and that I hadn't come for Thanksgiving or Christmas or even called on NYE like I used to. That I looked tired, unhappy and thin. Nicole was on her best behavior the whole time and even left her knives in the car, even tried to get everyone to focus on the engagement ring, but Dad still saw something was wrong. For three weeks after he kept trying to contact me, but she wouldn't let me talk without her in the room and she checked my phone anytime she left me alone and checked the records online to see if I had deleted any calls. Eventually I managed to get a burner phone and hid it at work, which allowed me to talk to my dad freely.

He flew over with my uncle and they helped me gather my stuff from her house. When Nicole started sobbing and begging me to stay, my uncle kept her from the kitchen knives and had his phone ready to call 911 if she tried to hurt herself or us. When Nicole started to insist I was taking her stuff too even though I was only taking things either I brought with me or I bought for me, I just let it go. She got to keep a few sentimental items of mine and the loss hurts still but the most important ones I was able to take, like I was able to get all my documentation and cards out of her house. I didn't even bother with the ring. It was just money and she was already acting up.

Uncle drove my car home while Dad had me fly with him. I'm ashamed to admit that the months directly following the breakup were almost worse than the time I spent with her, because I was out of survival mode and I couldn't force myself to function the way I used to. I felt like a parasite on my father, unable to get my shit together, falling apart over nothing, being so volatile it frightened me. I'm in therapy again. Sometimes I feel better, like I can see a way forward, but then I feel like I'm back in the thick of it and I'll never go back to normal and I'm permanently broken. Worse, every time I cry or get triggered or have a flashback, I can still hear her voice in my head calling me over emotional and too sensitive, that I'd be fine by now if I just got over myself, that what I went through wasn't that bad.

She sent mail to my dad's house for a while, threatening letters and pleas for me to see reason and stop overreacting, pictures of us that were sentimental, guilt trips. At first I couldn't get a restraining order right away against her because I moved, something about the jurisdictions and courts, but when she sent those letters it helped at least make sure she couldn't continue to contact me.

I found my old laptop a while ago and it had the password prepopulated. It wouldn't leave my mind, especially when I read what people were saying. Right now I'm just rambling to get my head straight, to be honest, but my dms were full of people saying how the sex must be amazing, how stupid guys get when they want to stick their dick in something, that I don't have balls or a backbone clearly and I just need to man up. Basically everything I told myself to remind me of what I did to deserve being stuck with her.

I don't know if I can muster the courage to address any responses to them but I really just want to tie up this lose end in my life so maybe I can stop rehashing it mentally and finally move on. I might also give my therapist the notebook I kept of Nicole's abuse but I haven't wanted to even look for it. There's still a box of shit that I haven't opened up because it's all fucked with my head so much. What I wish I knew at the start of all this shit was that any amount of genuine discomfort isn't an acceptable price in a relationship and you're allowed to stop giving them more chances even if they're trying and seem sorry. You're not obligated to help people change, even if you love them, even if they do slightly better.

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

I am NOT the Original Poster. That was . She posted in 10 years ago and has since deleted her account.

A HUGE thank you to who found ALL of the links to the original reddit posts and the wayback machine. You are amazing!!!

Please read trigger warnings.

Trigger Warning: stalking; threats of rape; threats of murder; shooting in self defense; racism;

Mood Spoiler: maddening, but eventually somewhat satisfying

Original : September 24, 2014 (Recovered with Wayback Machine)

Title: Anyone had success with private investigators?

For the past 6 months I have been relentlessly stalked and had threats against my life made from someone I dated for a month. It started with phone calls upwards of 45-50 a day, 50 page text messages and him showing up outside of my house at 5 am. When I wouldn't not comply or feed the negative attention I began to receive threats, claims that he would murder me and get away with it, all he would have to do is flee the country. Telling me he shouldn't have to force me to be his friend or give him another chance or else. Every time I blocked his number from contacting me, he would then call me from different ones, try and pretend to be other people or have his friends or sometimes even random strangers he'd ask on the street( I once scared a unsuspecting guy half to death after informing him that the person who had just told him to call me was actually stalking me and I sent him proof, he ended up calling the police on him. He fled of coarse) After about 2 months of that I was evicted from my apartment building due to my neighbors no longer feeling safe because of his looming presence. I then applied for and was granted a TPO, A few days afterwards I received a picture message of the note the SHeriff Civil had left on the door of my Stalkers-then residence with a message taunting me that "What you are trying to do was stupid and a restraining order is just a piece of paper." So ultimately he just ended up avoiding the process server and simple as that, I was not being protected at all.

May 31st of this year I relocated. This did not deter my stalker. He vowed to find wherever I moved to and threatened that if he couldn't find me he would be able to find my family and then proceeded to send me a map of my mother's home whom he had never met. I received a message from a woman claiming to be my former landlord, letting me know that I owed a balance on my account and to avoid late fees I needed to pay the amount which I could do with the link provided in the message. Turns out it was my stalker pretending to be a woman and the link turned out to be a tool used to grab the user's IP address when the click the link. Upon this discovery I changed my phone number and began to systematically dismantle any trace of an online presence I once had. This action only seemed to anger him and before deleting the profiles outright I would attempt to block him from contacting me. Each and every time I blocked one he simply created a new one and proceed to contact me as if nothing had happened. 12 different reddit accounts, 9 different tumblrs, 10 different imstagrams, 3 meetup accounts, 4 facebooks (with which he changed his location to that of my hometown and proceeded to add nearly everyone from my graduating class in high school) and even 3 Duolingo accounts and myspace. Yes. MySpace.

I then received an empty package from him addressed to my former residence with the declaration : ADDRESS CORRECTION REQUESTED: DO NOT FORWARD. I'm assuming he thought that the post office would adhere to his requests and return the package to him with my new corrected address on it. Mid July he created a profile using my photos and likeness to threaten my family, when I didn't respond he proceeded to post semi nude pictures of me on the profile in attempt to black mail me into speaking with him. I did not and contacted TWITTER to report the account and have it removed which they eventually did. On 08/21/2014 I awoke around 8pm to vigorous knocking and ringing of my doorbell. I look out my window to see who it is and I was horrified to see my stalker there. I called the police and of coarse he fled once again (over 7 separate police reports filed). This incident was followed by threatening emails from my stalker demanding that I meet him somewhere or because he had found me that next time I would "wake up to gunshots" and that if I didn't he would first "taser you and rape you in the ass using your boyfriends blood as lube."

This past Sunday night I woke up at 645 am to the ringing and banging again, I proceeded to recorded him on video while I was on the phone with the police. He fled on foot once again and I was hit with the same hoopla from law enforcement "Well we can't really do much because technically at this point he's not doing anything wrong." (Then why does he flee, I wonder?). I obtained a TPO again but I have no solid address for this dangerous person. Which is why I am in dire need of a private investigator to assist with finding said residence so this person can be served. I hope you might be able to refer me to someone who might be able to assist me? I've developed insomnia, depression, anxiety and paranoia. I am completely isolated, I am 22 years old and I have no social life anymore. I have zero friends. I've become a shell of my former self. I've faced eviction and lost a job because of this man's behavior and I don't know how much longer I can survive. There's actually so much more filler shit that he has done to terrorize me but for the sake of this already lengthy post I tried to condense it, I have proof in the form of recordings, event diaries and copies of all of his threats, interactions and attempts to communicate and would be more than willing to email them to show I'm not lying. I am in LV if that helps at all.

Tl;dr: People overuse the word 'stalking' so much these days that no one takes it seriously anymore. As soon as someone doesn't like someone anymore they call them a stalker. This isn't staring at your ex's new lover's timeline longer than you healthily should. This is the real 'scared to sleep at night' deal. I have felt the fear before and it's eating away at me. I need help. Badly.

Edit: Whoever has gilded me gold, um WOW. Thank you so much as pathetic as it may seem Redditors and Imgurians have seriously been one of my only sources of comfort and human interaction for the past few months. You've know idea how much these communities helped out my constant sadness. ( I see you ) You guys seriously rock. Thanks for being here for me.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Can you post the video?

OOP: Yes, but I'm on the phone with the police during the video, I'm not 100% sure how to blurt out certain information like my address and my phone number from the Audio in the video.

OOP Comments on September 27 (3 days later)

Commenter: Damn, I remember talking to an old friend of mine from Vegas who was saying she'll get a CCW soon. I kind of think I should forward this to her, soon just doesn't seem soon enough.

OOP: Do it. My gun saved my life.

Update : (Deleted, recovered with ) Imgur Post from September 26, 2014 (2 days from OG post)

Reddit Post October 8, 2014 (2 weeks from OG post)

Image description: a photo of the slightly open door. The chair is in front pushed to the side. Black paint(?) is covering the side of the door that has been busted in. Arrows (most likely from crime scene units) are stuck to the door pointing to individual spots.

I'm writing this staring at the mess the police left for me, in a bit of a fog. After 6 months of stalking and threats against my life my stalker finally snapped and decided to kick my door in and make good on his promise. Out of fear, the past month I had begun sleeping with a chair propped against my front door, to give myself a few extra precious seconds in case of emergency. I shudder to think how differently things might've turned out had I not barricaded the door. I awoke around 1:15 am to the sound of the door giving way after one kick followed by the sounds of my stalker struggling to dislodge the chair while forcing his way inside. I jumped up and grabbed the gun I've learned to do everything even shower with. I stood at the top of my stairs and fired twice. Hitting him in the chest, I hear his scream, his disbelief that I'd stood up for myself.. 0 to 100 in milliseconds. I've never been so afraid in my life. I do not know if he is living, but I do know the police have him and that's what helps the most. For months of him evading the police I began to question whether he was unstoppable. Untraceable. Houdini, he would murder me and get away with it. As of now I'm in a haze of guilt, surprise, relief and disbelief. I shook as the canines drag him out from his hiding place under a bush. I survived, where so many people do not. Holy shit, I survived.

Edit: The outpouring of support is WILD. I cant thank you guys enough. Everyone can be a critic and the fact still remains, you dont know what you will do in a situation until its presented in front of you. Those who believe there was other things to be done have never had someone tell you that you no longer deserve to draw breath and mean it. And for the 'shouldve fired a warning shot' folks: There are no warning shots, a gun is a deadly force, you only pull that trigger if you are in fear for your life and all other methods of deterring are gone. When he kicked my door in, there was no longer a deterrent preventing harm. Warning shots are dangerous and could hurt the unintended. This is not a wild west movie. That's what responsible gun ownership is. Ill update once things have calmed down a bit I promise. Ill write back to everyone and after being isolated for so long, anyone who wants to be friends, I am always accepting those.

Link to : October 2, 2014

LAS VEGAS, NV – A woman shot her stalker after he kicked in her back door.  She had been living in fear, showering with a gun and propping a chair up against her door for just this sort of situation.  Her post to Reddit made the story go viral.

She writes, “I’m writing this staring at the mess the police left for me, in a bit of a fog.  After 6 months of stalking and threats against my life my stalker finally snapped and decided to kick my door in and make good on his promise. Out of fear, the past month I had begun sleeping with a chair propped against my front door, to give myself a few extra precious seconds in case of emergency. I shudder to think how differently things might’ve turned out had I not barricaded the door.”

Police say former boyfriend Douglas Eugene Jackson, 22, kicked in her door at around 1am last Friday.

“I awoke around 1:15 am to the sound of the door giving way after one kick followed by the sounds of my stalker struggling to dislodge the chair while forcing his way inside. I jumped up and grabbed the gun I’ve learned to do everything even shower with. I stood at the top of my stairs and fired twice. Hitting him in the chest, I hear his scream, his disbelief that I’d stood up for myself.” said the victim in a blog post.

Jackson left the scene and tried to hide in some bushes.  Police dogs quickly found the stalker.  He was treated for his injures at University Medical Center of Southern Nevada. Jackson now faces charges of home invasion and aggravated stalking.

“For months of him evading the police I began to question whether he was unstoppable. Untraceable. Houdini, he would murder me and get away with it. As of now I’m in a haze of guilt, surprise, relief and disbelief. I shook as the canines drag him out from his hiding place under a bush.” the victim writes in a post to Imgur.

The victim, does not wish to be identified, has saved many threatening texts and social media posts from her stalker.  She says  he forced her to move, obtain a restraining order and acquire a license to carry a concealed weapon.

The victim followed up with a note, “The outpouring of support is WILD. I cant thank you guys enough. Everyone can be a critic and the fact still remains, you dont know what you will do in a situation until its presented in front of you. Those who believe there was other things to be done have never had someone tell you that you no longer deserve to draw breath and mean it. And for the ‘shouldve fired a warning shot’ folks: There are no warning shots, a gun is a deadly force, you only pull that trigger if you are in fear for your life and all other methods of deterring are gone. When he kicked my door in, there was no longer a deterrent preventing harm. Warning shots are dangerous and could hurt the unintended. This is not a wild west movie. That’s what responsible gun ownership is.”

Daily Mail has an article on the case, along with text evidence submitted by OOP .

Update on Case in 2020: (text copied below) (6 years later)

Editor's Note: This is 6 years after the original events, but is the same man. He did this to a different woman in 2019, while on parole. They refer to OOP as the "former girlfriend in Las Vegas," even though she only went on 2 dates with him.

RENO, Nev. (AP) — A Nevada man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison after pleading guilty to stalking a female acquaintance while on parole for a similar crime that happened in Las Vegas.

The Washoe County District Attorney’s office in Reno announced the sentence for 28-year-old Douglas Eugene Jackson on Friday. Jackson was arrested in Florence, Arizona in January and pleaded guilty to the aggravated stalking charge in July.

According to prosecutors, an investigation by the Sparks Police Department determined Jackson had sent numerous threatening text message to a woman over several months in 2019. The texts included threats against the woman’s dog and property. He also called the woman’s family and friends in an effort to get information about her.

At the time of the threats, Jackson was on parole for stalking a former girlfriend in Las Vegas. That woman ended up shooting him at her home. (Editor's note- this was OOP in 2014. He served about 5 years in prison after OOP shot him per the website. If you search his name his details come up)

According to the District Attorney’s office, prosecutor Travis Lucia sought a maximum sentence because of the “terrifying nature” of Jackson’s conduct, which came after only a month on parole for the previous crime.

Jackson was living in Washoe County at the time of the threats but had no steady address.

In 2023, a woman on TikTok claimed to be the OOP from 2014. There was an article written about that (text copied below): September 20, 2023 (9 years later)

Dasia Washington was 22 years old when she agreed to go on a date with a man.

After the second date, she decided she 'wasn't really feeling it' and told him.

In a post to TikTok, she has since revealed how just three weeks of knowing the man turned into her being stalked for a whopping seven months.

In a video uploaded to her TikTok account - - Washington she had 'a lot of other stuff going on' at the time and explained this to her date who said it was 'okay'.

Washington walked away from the connection thinking 'everything was fine'.

But a month-and-a-half later and the date had very much changed his tune.

📷TikTok/

Washington's date later 'decided that everything was not fine' and began messaging her 'hundreds of times a day'.

He argued he was 'a good man' and 'deserved a chance'.

"At first I blew it off and I was kind of annoyed, I was like, 'Who do you think you are?' but then it started to get really scary really quickly.

"He started sending me pictures of the outside of my house telling me that he was planning a raid."

📷TikTok/

Washington received messages and calls from the man for over a month and started filing police reports - the man taking pictures of her doing so and of her talking to the police.

Washington explains he would even talk to strangers and her neighbours, so she couldn't trust 'anybody'.

She eventually had to move out of her apartment 'because a restraining order truly is just a piece of paper,' left unable to sleep because he would threaten he was outside and was planning to break in.

📷TikTok/

Washington claims she went to the police 'five, 10 times' and filed 'like 10 police reports' but says she was told there wasn't anything they could do as he hadn't 'hurt' her.

She eventually moved house, but her stalker posed as her former landlord, used packages and social media to try and track her down.

The man threatened to kill her and said he 'knew he was going to get away with it because he was a white man and [she] was a Black woman'.

Washington was later assigned a detective to her case, but 'the first time' she met him she says he revealed he'd met her stalker who seemed like a 'nice guy' and suggested it could be a 'misunderstanding'.

"I knew in that moment this man was going to kill me and he was going to get away with it."

📷TikTok/

Washington's stalker changed phone numbers and even used Duolingo to try contact her, and it was when Washington registered to vote, he finally found her address.

She resolved to buy a firearm - despite being very anti-guns after her parents were shot when she was younger.

The man kept demanding they meet - threatening if Washington didn't he would 'grate her and use [her] blood as lube' - and frequently turned up at her door, dodging police.

But suddenly, he went completely quiet.

📷TikTok/

In September, 'he came for [her]' - kicking her door in.

Washington said: "I remember just grabbing my firearm off the table and I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset. I had just made a decision that it's either him or it's me and I choose me.

"And I shot him."

The police later found Washington's stalker - his injuries leaving him unable to run - and he was sentenced to jail.

Washington went on to work at a gun range and took part in 'Refuse to be a Victim' courses to help other women 'feel empowered to protect themselves'.

She now works at a big tech company and never takes any moment of life for 'granted'.

Washington's stalker - Douglas Eugene Jackson - was sentenced to 15 years in prison in 2020.

Link to tiktoks in post- full video available on reddit

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, abusive behavior, stalking, assault, physical violence, DARVO

  Apr 27, 2024

Throwaway account as my husband and In-laws are follow my main. I, 29 F, have been married to my husband, 30 m, who I'll call Alex. Alex and I met in college during our freshman year. We started off as just friends, and got married seven months ago. I've gotten along with his family, but we aren't super close but we're friendly enough. The problem is that Alex has begun to make me incredibly uncomfortable.

Firstly, he's begun to ask me who I'm meeting with, where, what we plan on doing, how long every single time I leave the house without him. At first, I just thought he was being protective and a good partner just in case something happened, but then he started checking my phone after the visits, vetting and researching each of my friends as well.

He also has been pursuing me to link my bank account to his, as he's "in charge" of the finances when he was perfectly fine with keeping them separate before. We fight about it almost every day.

Finally, yesterday when he was preparing to go on a work trip for two weeks in California, he demanded I wear a tracker so he could keep and eye on me while he's gone. I can't do this anymore, I feel like I'm suffocating and his family who I've spoken to about his worrying behavior just said he's being careful and protective as a good husband should. I need to gather my things together and find a way to be gone before he gets home without tipping him off.

He's always threatened that if he ever found me cheating on him he'd turn in divorce papers the same day. He keeps a filled out copy in his desk. I'm going to submit those the day I leave. But there's so much to do, bergen finding a new place to live, seeing if my job has any transfers available, packing and moving in two weeks. His return flight  May 11th, so I need to move quickly. I'm posting here because I don't have any close family, and I can't risk dragging my friends into this as we share the same friends.I just needed a place to vent, and ask if anyone has any advice on the easiest and safest way to do this?

Edit: oh my god you guys are amazing! I never even thought to not use his divorce papers. I'll check for cameras before I start any packing or prepping. I may also shred his divorce papers just in case and look into getting a lawyer for myself. I'm in a no fault divorce state, that much I so remember which will help. I'll update again when I know more. The tracker he wants me to use is a small clip to put on the belt or waistband. I'll wear it unless I'm going or doing something related to me leaving. No pets yet thankfully.

  Apr 28, 2024

So I've gotten a lot of support and helpful advice along with questions I thought I should clarify before I proceed with the update. Some asked why I'd be 'hiding' things from Alex regarding going out and who I'm meeting with. I don't, and I have nothing to hide. However when he begins to then double check everything I tell him with the other people there right down to each person I talked to and what I said. Did I send any text msgs, did I order food, how much did I eat, that's when it started to feel like I was slowly being pushed into a corner. It didn't start that bad, but gradually grew worse overtime.

All of the Reddit subs my in-law's families are part of are related gardening and diy so I highly doubt they'll see this, if so by the time they do, I'll hopefully be gone. I talked to my job and explained things to my manager. And they promised to look into openings in other states to see if they could get me into one. They'll have an update on that in three days. I trust that my bank account us secured, considering he's tried to get into it before and failed. I found one camera in the kitchen, another in the living room and one in our bedroom. As such, I've left them in place for now and done all other planning, either in the bathroom pretending I'm taking a bath.

I'm honestly staying away from the domestic violence services as my sister-in-law is unfortunately higher up in those considering she volunteers there and I have a feeling if I did show up there, they would know in a heartbeat. I can't look for apartments until I get the update from my work, but either or i'm still gonna be leaving the state. The day before I do I will be changing my number carrier and wiping my laptop and all of his electronics before I do.

I've met with 2 lawyers so far and had them look over the paperwork. My husband had prepared and both said that it did it have some clauses in it. That could have caused me some trouble down the line. What alarmed all of us close the fact that several of those clauses dealt with future children, and not as a hypothetical. Like several hair suggested I have a feeling he fully intended on getting me pregnant to keep me trapped and tied to him.

There are 3 other locations. My job could send me to and I have. As a precaution Begun looking into all 3 cities and housing in the areas. Just in case one of those, this is the one they send me to. Even if they don't have an opening that they can push me into then I will just have to quit, move and figure things out on my own. I have enough money to live and survive for a few months until I can pick up another job.

Unfortunately all of our friends are mutuals and would likely be unaware of the consequences of saying or sharing anything I do or say with my husband. I don't have any surviving close family and obviously my in laws are not a good resource to rely on. I am on my own unfortunately, other than the wonderful bonds, i've begun to make here. I will update again if I get more information or something else happens. Otherwise all update when my work gets back to me. I do plan on leaving before he returns, though. Just to make sure that i'm not anywhere near here at that time.

  Apr 30, 2024

Good news! My work has an opening I qualify for that will not only shift me across the country, but also comes with a salary increase as well. I've started telling my in laws and friends that I'm planning a surprise outing for when my husband gets back for just the two of us. This way, people don't give me odd looks if they see me out and about. I've even gone as far as asking MIL  to show me his favorite recipes.

Meanwhile, I've found a moving company that while small is willing to work in a storm. The reason is in five days, we're supposed to get hit with a large storm front. I plan to shut off the breaker and say we lost power if he asks just as several people here suggested and even send him a short clip of the storm.

I will have all of my stuff moved that afternoon, and I will be flying out once the weather has cleared enough to do so. I have a lawyer who will push my divorce through, and I've filled out the necessary paperwork so that I don't have to be here for it. I'm not suing for assets or alimony and I've shredded his divorce papers as well. I've set up a cheap payphone plan through cricket until this is all said and done at which point I will find a new carrier, number and phone. This one is being wiped and left behind.

My laptop is provided by my work, and the IT department inspected it thoroughly and it was clean thankfully. No other electronic aside from my laptop and new phone will be coming with me. If alex needs to talk to me, he can do it through my lawyer. Not sure if anything else will happen, my fingers are crossed that he doesn't think anythings amiss until after I leave - and I'm not turning the breaker back on when I do. He can when he gets home. My work is covering the plane ticket, so that at least is one expense I don't have to finagle in.

  May 7, 2024

Update 3: I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband.

It's been a busy week, but I've gotten so much done. Firstly, I am now out of the house and am currently in a hotel while I look for an apartment. It's a big city, bustling with people no matter where you look. We had a pretty bad storm system hit back home, that actually lasted two days. High winds, thunder, lightning and even hail everywhere. I didn't take much from the house, my documents, clothes and important sentimental items. I left all of the furniture and electronics behind. I cleaned the house top to bottom and took pictures on my phone so he couldn't claim I damaged anything when I left.

My lawyer has already started divorce proceedings, and my husband will be served on the 8th. His plane is due to land early morning, and the sheriff will be there at the house waiting for him. He is very much about public appearances and reputation. My lawyer will be calling him as well to inform him that I am more than willing to air out everything to the public about his actions if it means securing my freedom from him. I will go to court as long as I must to get this pushed through.

I haven't told our friends or his in-laws yet, I will do that while he is on the flight to prevent him from getting wind of it before he's handed the divorce papers. I will be calling around and explaining why we're getting divorced, to try and prevent him from twisting this into somehow being my fault. I don't want him trying to claim I had an affair or something so I want to get the truth out before he can twist this.

I'm... doing okay. I'm tired, but yet I feel almost jittery and off-kilter. I keep looking over my shoulder and monitoring what I say even when I don't really need to anymore. Hopefully that will fade soon. My work is covering the cost of the hotel, and I'm working on getting my other things in order. I also need to find a new GP as I want to get a full test just to make sure everything is okay. I don't know when my next update will be, probably when the divorce papers are filed or if we have to go to court to push them through. I will try to keep my head up, but it feels like I'm in a whirlwind or something with so many things to do and think about. I kinda thought it would be easier once I got out of the house but while the fear is smaller, somehow the number of tasks only seems to have grown.

  May 14, 2024

Sorry I haven't updated for a while, things got hectic and a bit chaotic honestly. Firstly, I'm working on getting an apartment still and have applications in at three different places and will hopefully hear back from them soon. I'm still going into work here at the new location, so I don't have to worry about burning through my emergency savings completely. I've gotten a lot of emails from Alex, his family and our old friend group asking question after question. I have only sent one return email to Alex, explaining that I don't believe we are truly compatible, and it is best we separate now. That his treatment of me when I'd done nothing to deserve as such was just as much of a deal breaker as cheating was for him.

I ended the email with the statement that I would not be contacting him further and anything else he needed to pass on to me or vice versa would be done through my lawyer. For his family and friends, I just typed up one email outlining everything that had happened and why I left. I told them I wished them no ill will, but that such treatment of his wife and partner was not acceptable. That should Alex get remarried in the future, I wished they would help support both partners and not just Alex.

Alex, from what my lawyer told me, was livid when he was served. The sheriff actually ended up booking him for assault on an officer and menacing due to the threats he was shouting. His father bailed him out in a few hours, but with the testimony of the sheriff, my lawyer believes I have a very good chance at getting a restraining order. Alex, upon returning to the house, apparently lost his temper again, breaking the dining table into pieces as well as the tv, and putting several holes in the walls. At least that's what one of the emails from one of our friends reported as Alex called him to help him clean up the mess.

My lawyer already has pictures of the house I took, with timestamps as evidence nothing had been damaged by me. My friend reported that Alex tried to claim I'd been the one to trash the house but the holes in the wall were at head height - Alex is 6'3", and I'm 5'4" so he knew that was false. Either way, taking the pictures definitely will help me so again thank you everyone here for the advice because I never would have thought of that on my own. My work won't share details of where I am, as I do work with some higher end clientele who value security and that information won't be gossiped about and no, I'm not some stripper or escort. I deal with contracts, notary and business management. As such, even if Alex tried to use my work to find me, he wouldn't succeed.  

  May 26, 2024

It’s been a little bit, and I thought I’d answer some questions before giving my update. It may be a while after this until things change.

Firstly, No I didn’t bring my car. The public transport here is good enough to use without needing one. I have secured an apartment, and the building has good security. You need a key card to enter, and there is a security guard at a desk right by the entrance to the building. As part of my contract, I gave them a photo of Alex and his family so that even in the off chance they do find me, they won’t be let in.

The responses I got from the emails varied. His family said I was overreacting, and that I owe Alex an apology for the problems this has caused him. The pending criminal charges puts him at risk of losing his job if he’s convicted. Alex sent a long email, apologizing and pleading for me to come home. He said he was worried for me, that he is willing to go to therapy if it will appease me. He wants us to remain together, and he didn’t think leaving was an appropriate response to his genuine concern and worry for my health and safety. The friends gave somewhat lacking replies, saying that they didn’t think Alex was ever going to hurt me and that I shouldn’t be letting my imagination run away wild. As much as I want to say I was surprised by the lack of support, I’m honestly not.

He intends to fight the divorce. I am letting my lawyer handle it, and I am also pursuing a protective order as well. Once I got approved for my apartment, I also froze my credit. I’ve changed my phone carrier and number, as well as making sure none of my documents list Alex as next of kin or POA.

Some have asked why I was so paranoid about Alex and his possible future actions. The answer for that actually is somewhat simple – my grandmother. I loved that woman to bits. As a teen, she explained why my grandfather was never around. He was extremely abusive and manipulative, and her generation didn’t allow divorce really. She wouldn’t have been able to buy a house or get a good enough job to support her and my mother on her own. As such, she endured it, shielded my mom as she could until my grandfather died. When I felt like I may have been overreacting, I remembered how she’d said she’d always wished she’d been able to see grandfather for what he was early on when she may have been able to annul the marriage.

I don’t know when I’ll update again, maybe when the divorce goes through or if something big happens but until then, I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

NEW UPDATE

  June 25, 2024

It’s been a month since my previous update, and I wanted to share some of what’s been going on in the meantime. The divorce is proceeding, but even though I don’t need him to agree – and he’s not – it means I have to go through the courts to get it approved. As such, it could be upwards of six months to push it through even though I’m filing without attempting to claim property, alimony or compensation. I just want a clean break and separation.

Alex has attempted to use our friends to reach out to me, as he doesn’t want to use my lawyer for communication. He’s saying its disrespectful and cowardly to hide behind my lawyer and not meet him face to face. Alex wrote me a letter that he did pass off to my lawyer, but the contents were him justifying his actions and claiming that in today's time it is dangerous for women to be on their own which is why he was so intent on trying to keep me safe from harm. He wanted me to understand that he was trying to protect me as best he could and was hurt that I would just lie to him and hide my actions from him related to my dissatisfaction with our marriage and my moving.

I didn’t reply, because at no point did he apologize. All he did was turn everything around on me as I was being overly dramatic, emotional and cowardly. There was a second letter with Alex’s from my SIL. Her letter… was honestly disturbing and completely justified my misgivings regarding approaching her in any kind of professional capacity. She spent five paragraphs detailing how a ‘real abusive’ relationship looked like and that Alex was the furthest thing from abusive. The details she included were all related to financial abuse and physical abuse. Nothing like what Alex had been doing. She stated that my attempts to smear her brother’s name for attention and clout made me the abuser not him.

I haven’t really been able to process that admittedly. Part of me can’t help but wonder if she’s right. I mean, I blindsided him by leaving as I did and am refusing to speak with him at all. My old boss recommended that I look into getting into therapy after I moved, and I think I need to. I have had a hard time adjusting to being on my own, I keep censoring myself and haven’t even gone out to eat yet. I always end up worrying about what if someone sees me, what if I get in trouble for spending my money on something frivolous…

My lawyer is continuing to fight for the divorce, and I shouldn’t need to be physically present in court. Any meetings needed between me and the judge can be done via zoom. I’m trying to avoid confrontation with Alex and his family for now as much as I can and passed both letters to my lawyer in case he needs them. Our friends are mostly trying to avoid taking sides still, and I’m honestly approaching the point of just letting them go as well. I’m tired of fighting for them to understand at this point. I don’t know if anything is going to happen, so my next update may not be until around mid-November depending on how long it takes to push the divorce through. Work is going well, and it’s helpful to have something familiar to anchor my day to day life when so much has changed and is changing even now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

3 updates - Long

- 22nd September 2021

- 25th September 2021

- 1st October 2021

- 20th October 2021

Entitled Sister burns bridge, then wants me to maintain her and her unborn baby

Using a throwaway account since she knows my personal reddit, but oh boy... this is a long one.

So, I (27F) moved to the US almost seven years ago. I have two half-sisters from my father side, all from different women. We used to be very close and despite both of them being illegitimate, I shared with them part of what little inheritance I got from my grandparents. They never recognized them and left them nothing.

Two years ago my sisters also moved to the US. The middle sister (28), let's call her Mary, got a company to host her with a work visa. The eldest(30), Karen (not her real name), got a student visa and moved in with me since I was already working and earning a good salary. The arrangement was that I would pay bills, she would get a job at the university since she's not allowed to work outside, and that was her spending money. I would cover all bills and food. The only thing I asked was to help with some minor chores. I have a dog and a cat, and I told her she had no responsibility while she had school and work. It was fine, since I work from home, and I have a step-family that helped me maintaining my home, mostly because I'm the free babysitter for them. Pretty sweet deal for a student, right?

Well, apparently that wasn't enough. While she was in school, Karen met Ken. I knew Ken from the time I went to university. He's a creep, but I thought harmless. Karen was head over heels for him. I warned her Ken had a bad reputation at the university, but she didn't care. She's a big girl so I let it be, with the only condition that Ken was not allowed in my place.

Covid hits, and my hours were cut. Karen's school goes on pause and she loses her campus job. Because of all of this, we moved into a small apartment. I took a second job, and did some freelance on the side. Needless to say, I had no personal life. I am dating someone, but he was also swamped with work and bills, so we barely met each other. During this time, Karen and Ken apparently got closer and he began to appear in the apartment. Karen was not part of my lease, but my landlord was very understanding. Ken began making really inappropriate comments about me. I am not a beauty queen, I just look a bit 'exotic' as Ken put it. I'm mixed race from the Caribbean, so I have a bit of everything and somehow it all shows. Karen looks more like our father, he was of European descent. In all honesty, Karen is more attractive. I only look 'foreign' in this little Intermountain region city.

Ken would go out of his way to touch me and was just invasive. I managed to just keep in my room when he was around or use the excuse that my pets needed a walk.

I didn't know exactly why, but Karen kept pushing for me to spend time on my own with Ken. 'It will be good for you to bond with your future brother-in-law'. They had only been dating 7 months at this point. Whatever, I didn't care. I found excuses to avoid it.

November 2020 I got a better position at my main career job so I was able to quit my second job and have more me time. I reconnected with friends and one of them asked me if I was okay. I asked why and he told me Ken had been saying he was very close to getting me for... personal time. I was NOT okay with that idea. And I very loudly said I rather be hit by a train than doing anything with Ken. Since I'm in a small city in the Intermountain region, the kind that most people in the same area knows each other, a lot of people had text messages or creepy stories to tell me. That was it for me.

I went home and demanded an explanation. They didn't deny it. Ken even said Karen had said it was fine and I was doing them a solid as her sister, since he had a fantasy he wanted to go for. I told them both they were disgusting and that Ken had to leave or I would be calling the cops. Ken left with some insults send my way, and Karen began telling me she didn't see the problem since my partner and I were on a break. We were not. I told her I was not for her to sell around like property and that she had two weeks to find a place of her own. I was done with her. I called all my relatives, send them copies of the text messages I was given, and no one in our family wanted anything to do with Karen. She moved in with Ken a few days later. It took me some effort, but I was able to get a restraining order for Ken. Couldn't get one for Karen. Still, they disappeared from my radar except for a few encounters which easily were solved with showing I was about to call 911.

And then today happened and I had to hold back my laughter. Mary had kept tabs on Karen, since sisters and all, and she messaged me with a notice: "Hey, Karen just called me. She's pregnant and Ken kicked her out."

I just stared for a few minutes and responded: "Oh. That's sad."

Mary knew, and supports, that I don't care or have any intentions to help. Karen used Mary's phone to call me. She begged me to help, since Mary is only letting her stay for a week before she moves to another state. Said that she missed her little sister and had no one else to go to. That she knows I have family health insurance (I pay for private health insurance for two relatives that are in hard times and have health conditions) and that I could do something like that for her pregnancy medical bills. This baby is a blessing and I should want to help her raise it! (Meaning, I pay for everything) I let her pour her heart out for a good five to seven minutes, then said 'Nope'. I ended the call. She tried calling again for a while, then stop when I got a text message from Mary saying she had left her phone on the counter and she was sorry for the spamming.

Most of my family agrees with me, even Karen's mom. The only one that disapproves is Karen's aunt. She's not my aunt, but I called her Aunt anyway since I've known her for many years. She's been putting pressure on me most of the day. She only stopped when I told her one more message and I would show her text messages to my step-father, who is her landlord.

I feel bad for the baby, to a point. But this is one of those moments that all I can think is this is not my circus, and these are not my monkeys.

Edit 1: Someone mentioned the region inconsistency. I never looked into it, since I didn't really care, but where I live I heard 'Midwest' and 'Northwest' interchangeably. As far as I was concerned, it was the same thing. We don't have that type of regions in my country. So, I decided to google while at work and found out neither is right! I live in the Intermountain region. Thanks, random stranger, for making me check on the messy regional system. Not even google agrees on it.

Also a small explanation on my grandparents. They were very old traditionalists. By the end of their lives, they didn't have much to give, so they chose to give it to the 'legal' grandchildren. My sperm donor father had many children. I might not even know all of them. Grandparents were just tired of every other year having a new grandchild appear, and in some cases a moocher mother attached.

Last, Karen's visa. She had an extension since Covid, but that is over. She's overstaying her visa. This is very common. I have relatives that do it. I don't agree, but I also had one foot in since my stepfather is American.

Comments

Silver6Rules

She got EXACTLY what she deserved. That's fucking around and finding out in the most complete way possible. The last person in the world who gives a damn about her (the aunt) needs to step up or shut her damn mouth.

OOP: Aunt can't afford it. She's not in the US and lives pretty much rent free in my mom's old house in our home country.

mmuffinfluff

She still doesn’t get to put her 2 cents in and pawn the responsibility on you

Update - 3 days later

I wasn't planning to make an update so quick, or at all, but here it is.

Small summary, I have two half-sisters, Mary and Karen. Karen used to live with me rent free and decided to offer me up to her creepy boyfriend like a side dish. I kicked her out and she went to live with him. She got pregnant, he threw her to the curve, and now she wants me to take care of her and her unborn baby.

Now to today:

Mary called me this morning to have brunch and discuss things related to Karen. She told me she understood I don't want to be part of the mix, but she really wanted it to be discussed and after I can just walk out. I know Mary, and I know she's just trying to leave everything in order before she leaves the state. She's the peacekeeper of my siblings. I agreed on the condition that there was no way Karen would come home with me. Mary just said: "If she tries to follow you, I'll drag her out myself."

So I dressed up and off I went to brunch with my sisters. I'll skip the pleasantries and dumb 'friendly family' look Karen attempted. Once we were done eating and just having coffee, Mary set all the cards on the table.

She explained she couldn't take Karen with her out of State, because she's getting married to her long time girlfriend and they can only afford a one bedroom in her new city. She also said Karen was insane if she thought Mary would allow her to live with me, even if she had the power to make me take Karen back in. That Karen was lucky she even let her stay with her for this last few days. She told her the only reason we were doing this was because her mother had begged her to at least put Karen somewhere safe or find a solution for the pregnancy. So, she turned to me and asked me as the most stable economically if there was anything I would be willing to help with.

I might be an asshole for this, feel free to roast me, but I basically said I would only give money for three things: 1. A termination and a hotel room while she heals from it. 2. A ticket back to home country so she can live with her mother or aunt, and get free health care. 3. A ticket to our eldest brother's home country so she can live with him because I know he will take her. I also said she had the option to put the baby up for adoption, but I would not be offering her a place to stay or a way to get medical care out of my pocket. I gave her some links to non-profits she could use.

Karen started crying, saying I was trying to take away her baby and being a bad sister. That a good sister would open up her home and help care for her baby. That I never deserved to have the money I have. Most of my money is from inheritance on my mother's side of the family, so not sure how she would have gotten anything. That I was spoiled by my mother because she had money. We did, because after our father left my mother and I with nothing, she made a company from scratch... She kept babbling and making a scene, then she said something that actually hurt me. "You are just mad because you will never get pregnant!"

Yes, I happen to be infertile. No, I can't get treatment for it. It is what it is. I already accepted it, but it still hurts. Mary knew this was a low blow for me, and basically told Karen one more stupid word like that and she'll be sleeping in the street tonight. I didn't cry or anything, just stared. Karen stopped her crying muttering and seemed to get an idea. She looked at me straight and told me to adopt her baby.

I laughed at that. I told her she was insane if she thought I would adopt her baby. I don't want her in my life, let alone her ex. I don't blame the baby, but I have absolutely no intentions to be part of the child's life. I was about to go off on Karen just for even thinking I would consider that as an option, but Mary stopped me on time.

She simply said to Karen: "You have the options she gave you, her are mine. You can get a termination, or you can go back to home country. Either way, you can't stay here. You are not legal and your immigration status affects us if you were to live with us. I could lose my job, and OP could lose her resident status. You have until next Friday to choose. If none of these options work, you will have to find your own solution without us. -I- don't want you anywhere near -my- little sister. You put her at risk of been assaulted or worst. You are lucky I have an empty room for one more week for you to crash in, but after I don't want to see you in person. We can keep in touch by facebook or phone. You've lost the right to spend time in person with either of us."

I just stared at Mary. She's very quiet and normally the most reserve of us, so this was not expected. Mary paid, didn't even wait for the change, and left Karen with enough to get a taxi home. Mary grabbed me by the arm and took me out. I didn't know how much I needed someone to just protect me for a change, but I did cry a little on the way out from just pure relief I had one older sister that still looked out for me. We decided to go for ice cream after like we did as kids when bad things happen and discussed our plans to spend holidays and vacations together. Mary's girlfriend also joined us for ice cream and the whole time she just made jokes about how sad she's going to be without her moving table (She's much taller than me and its a running gag with us).

Nothing too dramatic, thankfully. Mary and her girlfriend are going to come later for dinner with me. Depending how this mess ends I'll try to update, but at this point, I think its pretty much done. Not sure if Karen will take any of the options we gave her or just do her own thing, regardless I have no intentions of putting my money for anything but what I said I would. And yes, Mary is my hero if anyone is curious.

Small Edit 1: I got asked this in a chat, and wanted to clear it up. Karen is not penniless. I gave her 10k at the start of the year when our grandmother passed away. That was her part of the 30k I was given. She's also been saving the money from her college job. I worked at the university about four years ago and I was getting 9 dollars an hour. Her mom also send her money. Unless she wasted all her funds, she won't go home without money. If that was the case, my brothers, Mary, and I would all give her something. She might be in my blacklist, but she is my sister at the end of the day.

Comments

emmjaybeeyoukay

Firstly is your home fitted out with cameras or some kind of security system? Because if Karen knows or finds your address then she's going to try something.

Secondly I suggest you have a word with your local police station and let them know at least a little bit of detail; you have a relation who may try to gain access to your home and that they do not have permission to be there, just in case Karen attempts to gain access while you are out / working etc.

OOP: I have a camera system, and a guard dog. But also all my locks are changed. Short of her climbing through the balcony like spiderman, she'll have trouble getting in. I also work from home and hire a dog walker, so I should be okay.

tiemeupinribbons

100% want to find out wth “Karen” does. Also, Mary is a fantastic big sister and thank goodness she is asserting boundaries too!!

Karen has made her choice. Final Update - 6 days later

Well, as the title says, my older half-sister Karen has made a choice.

The short version of the events leading to this is Karen was living rent free with me when she started dating a creepy guy. Her boyfriend wants to follow through a fantasy that involved my sister and I in a very disgusting activity together and Karen was all up for it, and volunteered me without my knowledge. I kicked her out, she moved with him and got pregnant, and he kicked her out. She wanted me to not only take her in, but also basically maintain her and her baby. My sister and I gave her the options and told she would not live with either of us long term.

As I mentioned in my last post, my sister Mary and I gave Karen a couple of options for her unplanned pregnancy. The options were a termination on her pregnancy, a ticket back to our home country or to our brother's home country, or she can figure a way to keep her child or put the baby for adoption. She had until tomorrow to choose, since Mary leaves on Saturday for the East Coast. Well... Karen chose none of the above. She decided to make life so difficult, she is now arrested and more than likely will be deported.

Let me explain what happened: Tuesday Mary decided to leave for a near-by National Park to enjoy it one last time before she moves to far to drive there. She left Karen with a key and some money. Big mistake. Mary and her girlfriend returned yesterday and found out all the locks in their house had been changed. To make it even worst, Ken, Karen's supposed ex, had moved into their house. I know, Mary should have seen this coming, but they grew up as best friends. They used to be closer to each other than to anyone else, myself included.

Obviously police were called, and it was just a major mess. Karen and Ken claimed it was their house, Mary and her girlfriend kept telling them no, its not. It's not even Mary's house anymore. It was sold and the new family that owns it arrives on Sunday (realtor was going to give them the key). The police officers were so done with this mess before it even escalated, and asked everyone for their IDs. Ken, Mary, and Mary's girlfriend all had their IDs. Karen only had an expired passport. Karen got arrested on immigration charges, Ken got arrested on charges relating to breaking and entering, and some others I don't know for sure. I got this second hand from Mary while she was basically about to commit a murder felony had it not being for the officers present.

Today I got called about my sister. Her lawyer said she claiming to be my 'surrogate' and that the baby in her was actually my child. Yep, she tried this. I told the lawyer that I was not looking for a surrogate or adopting a child (I am already fostering and have no space), and that my sister got pregnant by accident with Ken. He asked if I would be willing to foster her baby, since the child would technically be American. I said 'ABSOLUTELY NOT'. He tried to work things with me, explaining my sister will most likely be deported otherwise. I just told him if that's the law, then that's how it will be. I asked him to please not contact me about her anymore. As far as I am concerned, the only family she has is in our home country.

Aside from the scare and new locks, Mary is okay. The realtor has copies of the new keys for the family that owns the house. And now my sister and I are planning to have no contact with Karen. I don't know what exactly will happen to Karen. Nor do I care anymore. Now not even Aunt in home country wants anything to do with Karen, and even apologized to Mary and I. As for Ken, well, who knows. I hope he goes to jail, but if he doesn't, I couldn't care less. I now feel like a massive boulder is off my shoulders and can just focus on work and teaching my foster daughter about Star Wars. We have already watched all of the original trilogy and we have a Clone Wars marathon planned for the weekend!

I want to thank everyone who send me well wishes to my sister Mary and I. Also to the people that share advice that I am so glad I took to heart. This has been probably the worst rollercoaster family mess I've dealt with since my parents' divorce, and it came absolutely from the one person I suspected less. Can't say I have any entitled stories aside from this. Karen was once actually a very good sister, but I guess when money and comfort are involved, people change.

Small update that isn't worth a new post: Karen was offered to leave the US willingly and she will face no negative effects for her status. She called my mom to see if she could convince me to give my sister the money for the ticket. Mary and I agreed to pay the ticket on the condition she never again contacts either of us. Her mom is aware of this and basically told me that Karen will have to find a job within the month she arrives, or she'll be in the streets. As for lawyers and stuff, I have my own immigration lawyer aware of the mess, and he told me the only way the surrogate ploy would work would be a DNA match or a contract. None of that is around so I'm safe. Mary booked Karen for her trip back on Friday and good riddance.

Comments

PedanticRedhead

Wow, what a ride. I'm glad Mary is okay. Sorry you had to go through this mess, but well done for staying strong! Wish you the best, and hope you have a great time watching the rest of Star Wars!

EnduringConflict

Agreed, glad you're okay OP.

One suggestion however. Keep tabs on Ken. Not because you care about him or need that drama in your life. You really don't.

That said knowing if he's in jail or not, and a general idea of what his headspace might be (from a mutual friend, or acquaintance maybe?) because that is one messed up dude mentally.

I worry about your safety if he isn't in jail. I mean 99% more than likely he won't go near you because of the restraining order but if he goes all "it was all OPs fault I'm in this mess!" as his life (hopefully) falls apart from this mess you never know for certain.

I don't wish to freak you out or anything. Just a suggestjon to be super extra cautious is all. Usually once someone is jail they tend to behave to avoid going back in. I imagine that order will be more than enough, but always better safe than sorry.

Regardless you handled this situation amazingly well and properly, and major props. I hope you enjoy passing on your nerdisms and enjoy life to the fullest. Sincerely. Best of luck in the future.

Update - 19 days later

I almost made it to a month without hearing from my half-sister, but okay, reddit, you were right. This might never be over. Also, funny enough, dear sis found my post and send me a scathing email before I blocked her.

But that's really not a big story. This one however pisses me off.

So, as I posted before, my older half-sister Karen was forcefully, but not really, removed by immigration after going insane and trying to get squatters rights on a sold house that used to belong to my other half-sister Mary. And she was escorted out, so I know she left.

Things were calm for a bit and in the meantime I focused on my four-years-old foster daughter. Let's call her Lili. Lili's mom is one of my oldest friends. She gave birth in the US, but the Lili's father is not American and unfortunately passed away when Lili was a baby. My friend was asked to leave the US to do her immigration process off country since she has no one to claim her aside from a minor child. This sadly means she probably won't be able to come into the US until Lili is eighteen. Because of our home country's education system being really bad, she asked me if I could take Lili. By this point I had already kicked Karen out so I had an extra room. I told her it was okay if it was on Lili's best interest. Lili and I are tight as thieves and she's always seen me as her crazy fun aunt. Took a bit, but three weeks ago Lili's guardianship was passed from the State to me and just in time for Halloween too.

We are skipping trick or treating this year due the pandemic, but Lili still wanted to dress up as a Sith (I am so proud of this child, I swear). My mom was incredibly happy of having a foster grandkid, especially since Lili actually doesn't have any other grandparents, so she send her some fairly fancy Star Wars props. Obviously we got her dressed up in her Sith outfit and had a mini-photo session for grandma. And my mom posted the pictures in facebook so Lili's mom could see them easily. My family and friends went crazy with how adorable Lili looks. She says she's not adorable, she's Sith. And then Karen strike back.

Mom forgot or decided not to block Karen and when my half-sister saw Lili's picture, she had some of her best hits such as: My four-years-old looks fat. She's ugly and clearly going to grow up to be a slut. She looks like a word I can't say even in writing, but its the word starting in N. That's just a handful.

She got called out and told kindly to return to the darkness. But then she started to call my mother. At every hour. To ask for money, to ask how to contact me, to tell her she was wasting money on a kid that was not really her grandchild and should give her the money for her kid. Karen is not my mom's daughter.

Well, eventually my mom figured how to block her. And Karen got to me through a school friend. She send, not one, not two, a sixteen pages long list of demands or she will sue me. One was getting rid of my foster daughter so I could adopt her baby. Another was an apartment I share with my cousins left to us by our maternal grandmother. 500k dollars. My dog and my cat. Oh, and I need to get her back into the US. There's still more, most of it completely delusional. I sent a copy to my lawyer to try to pursue a no contact order in the US. Can't do anything in my home country, but I did forward another copy to our relatives. Including our eldest brother. He just said to me he'll take care.

For the record, I am not taking Karen's kid in, even if I didn't have Lili. Her ex was recently released and has already caused problems for other people. Luckily he's keeping away from me. And to clear something up: Karen isn't penniless. I divided with her and Mary a 150k inheritance in equal parts. She also got money from her stepfather when he passed. In our home country, she's actually well off. The only reason I never charged rent or asked her for money was because I knew the tuition price was going to be very high and didn't want her to have to take a loan like I did for a time.

Comments

[deleted]

Karen lives up to her name: nasty, entitled, crazy, bitter, and, of course, racist. An awful woman and an awful person, through and through.

I don't know her in person, but I just wish everything keeps going worse for her.

I still don't understand what this creature expects from you, since she's not even in the United States anymore. But I guess entitled little brains work differently...abnormally, to be more precise.

OOP: I still have assets in our home country. The apartment, some land my maternal grandpa left me that I share with my cousins since he died before they were born, a bank account, and I'm partners in my uncle's company. She seems to think my maternal family's property is also property of my father's children, except... it isn't? Most of it is pre-marital stuff or from after the divorce.

Part 2

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in and .

Thanks to and for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. Latest update is 7 days old per the rules of the sub.

Mood Spoiler: happy-ish ending

Original : June 11, 2024

I kind of know I am the asshole, but I need to know how bad it was.

My brother is 29 and has been with Lia for about 2 years. We all like her; she is super nice. I am getting married next April and sent an invite to my brother's apartment. We decided to send invites to households and not individuals. For example, our aunt received an invite for her family and not for each individual.

Last Thursday, we met at my parents' place. It was just the core family because of some tax reasons, lol. While there, I asked my brother about Lia's dietary restrictions. I know that she is a vegetarian for health reasons and that she cannot have certain raw vegetables.

He said that she wasn't going to come and that he was taking his girl best friend, Amanda, instead. Now, their relationship is weird af. Amanda has always been stringing my brother along, in my opinion. He always denies having feelings for her, but let's be real here.

Amanda would date other guys, blow off my brother, then when things were on the decline with her partners, she would be attached to him again. Her last boyfriend broke up with her right around the time my brother, his then ex-girlfriend, Amanda, and her ex were supposed to travel to Spain. What did my idiot brother do? Go with Amanda alone because Amanda was uncomfortable with his ex-girlfriend. Obviously, he acted blindsided when his girlfriend broke up with him. I didn't even say anything anymore because it's all so weird.

So, when he said that, I asked if Lia already had other plans. But my brother said that Amanda had asked if she could come because it would be an opportunity to finally see the old gang (we were in the same friend group in high school). I told him that I would have invited Amanda if I wanted her there. Amanda is mean and cold. She always makes disparaging comments about other girls. At every event, around one hour in, she will make some sort of scene that either has her running away crying or sitting mad at a table telling everyone to "leave her alone" and then making a cryptic comment about something "hurting her."

I told my brother I was revoking his plus one and Amanda was NOT coming to our wedding. He accused me of being misogynistic and bigoted because I don't understand opposite-sex friendships. Which is BS. My husband has a female childhood friend who is his best woman. I love her too and she has been amazing. AND SHE RESPECTS FUCKING BOUNDARIES. She always includes me and made a huge effort when I started dating my fiancé to integrate me into the friend group.

Anyway, I said my decision was final. He could take it or leave it, but I would be inviting Lia myself because I like her. He screamed at me and told me to keep out of his business. I said to get rid of his weird fucking feelings for Amanda. He is mad at me. My dad said is none of our deal. My mom is furious with my brother. So Aita?

Edit: to answer some questions

The invite was addressed to the "smith's." Funnily enough, Lia had the same last name as us. Granted, we have one of the most common last names.

Yes, they live together.

The tax thing is nothing huge. My parents have a small buisness but are really bad at keeping track of all their receipts. So every month we go and help them. We digitalis the receipts and put them in a bookkeeping software for the accountant

Amanda is in the comments. Say hi!

The (Alleged) Amanda Comments:

Editor's Note: the account replying is a well-established account on AITA and commented on many posts before commenting on OOP's- it was not a new account nor a throwaway. Do NOT DM this person or harass them in any way- this goes against the rules of the sub. I am only including this because it is relevant to what OOP wrote and pointed out.

Excellent-Count4009: YTA. If he has any sense, he simply will not come to your wedding - that's the correct way to handle AHs like you.

And - if he has any sense, he will go no contact with you AH.

OOP: Yeah I wouldn't mind lol

Excellent-Count4009: Well, if you don't mind your brother and dad not coming to your wedding, that's fine.

But the way you handled it makes you the AH: NOT inviting your brother would have been fine. Giving him an invite, trying to dominate him and decide his relationships for him, and then uninviting his +1 because YOU want to decide who his partner is - that's overstepping.

OOP: My dad is not mad at me, dude lol. He thinks it's unnecessary drama. He doesn't like Amanda either so he is just keeping out

"Amanda" replied to several other commenters. I included a few here:

Commenter: NTA your brother is though. He needs a huge reality check this chick Amanda sounds super problematic and toxic and sinxce it is your wedding you are absolutely within your rights to decide who gets to be there and who doesn‘t. Hope your brother will realize how manipulative Amanda is and cut her from his life before she manages to destroy even more for him.

Amanda: All of that is NONE of OP's business.

SHE gave him a +, and revoked it. She is an AH for intruding into his relationship

Tihs willb reak up her family.

Let'S see if her brother and dad will be the only ones not coming.

Commenter: It’s confusing then why he and Amanda aren’t together. They seem to be into each other. Or does he really like Amanda but she uses him as a placeholder and doesn’t reciprocate his feelings? If that’s the case, he needs to put distance there so he can move forward or you’re right, he will be alone until Amanda gets married to someone else.

Amanda: What do you esxpect? HE has an aH sister.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: [...] You can invite Lia yourself but by the sounds of your brothers behaviour who knows if they will even still be together by then. Even if they are I wouldn’t count on her sticking around if he keeps prioritizing Amanda over her.

OOP: I like Lia like genuinely as a friend and would like her there. I should honestly just have invited her officially, too. I should have honestly have been able to forsee David would do this.

Commenter: How does Lia feel about Amanda?

OOP: Well she feels hyper insecure about Amanda.

Commenter: She should, because this behavior is a pretty obvious sign that should Amanda give him a chance, he will cheat on Lia in a second, and has probably done so with his exes.

OOP: Agree 100 percent. If Amanda wrote him right now that she wants him, he would drive pantless to her place

On OOP's brother:

I gave given up talking to him years ago. I always feel sorry for the amazing girls he brings home, tho. I still talk to his ex. She helped me with .y career. Lol. He is going to end up alone

Commenter: But just to be safe, tell Lia she is invited even if she isnt with your brother anymore at the time of the wedding because "lets be real here" she can do alot better and its just a matter of time before she realises that and dumps him. Let Lia have a +1 so she can enjoy herself :) That would make her feel truely welcome.

Your brother is a major asshole, and I dont blame you at all for not wanting his side piece at your wedding. I also wouldnt blame you if you didnt want him at your wedding.

OOP: She can so much better. On paper, my brother is pretty great. Amazing job, financial stability, he volunteers at animal shelters and cares about his appearance. And when he is not drooling for Amanda, he is generally really nice and loving. But bro.

Why aren't he and Amanda together???

It's so weird, man! Idk. She is jealous when anyone spends time with him. I once told him to ask her to have a one-sided open relationship where she gets to do what she wants, and he waits at home for her because he already does that lol

Commenter: Did he even told Lia she was invited? There might be a possibility that he’s lying and the girlfriend didn’t even know about the wedding

OOP: She did not in fact know

Commenter: How did she learn about it ? From you or from him (for damage control)?

OOP: I called Lia in front of him, asking her about it. She had no idea

OOP is voted NTA

Update : June 25, 2024 (2 weeks later)

I listen to Two Hot Takes every day on my commute, so it was a huge surprise when you responded to my post. Thanks for your insights. (Editor's Note- tiktok , youtube video segment )

Regarding the invitation, I now realize I shouldn't have phrased it as inviting a single person. I thought inviting households would be cute and less pressure for guests. Lesson learned, LOL.

Here's an update I'd like to share with you.

After the confrontation, I didn't hear from Lia or my brother for about two days. During that time, Amanda reached out to me upset about my Reddit post. She called me an asshole and insisted that "Lia is not the only special woman in my brother's life." She argued neither Lia nor I have the right to be selfish with my brother's time, asserting she existed before Lia or any of his girlfriends and would outlast them all. She ended with a presumptuous statement that she would surely see me at my wedding. I was fuming!

I chose not to engage with her other remarks but instead sent her a clear message: "Hello Amanda. You are not invited to my wedding. If you want to see 'the old gang,' please organize a coffee date when they're all in town. Should you appear at the wedding, you will be escorted out, peacefully by staff or with police involvement. Please refrain from contacting me or my husband."

Amanda responded with more emails, mostly vague threats and name-calling, and turned to Instagram to indirectly target me. She tagged me in posts, making my username small so people wouldn't notice me tagged but would see it in my notifications.

She also used an "ask me anything" sticker on her Instagram story, where I'm pretty sure she asked herself leading questions. Highlights included questions like, "What's the perfect outfit for a wedding?" with a photo of herself in a dress captioned, "This... but sadly I'll never get to use it :)" and "What is your pet peeve?" followed by a rant about nosy people who think they have the right to control others.

She flooded her story with "sad quotes" about no longer having a "girls' girl." She tagged me in every single one. Of course, I screenshotted them all, lol.

Some friends reached out when Amanda started spreading a different story, claiming I originally invited her but later disinvited her because Lia hates her and pressured my brother to do the same.

The cool part? Not one person believed her. Many of our old high school friends have cut ties with Amanda, and the few guys who still talk to her are more linked to my brother. They reached out to let me know Amanda was spreading rumors. The girls in the group blocked her after she vented to them, which led Amanda to start bombarding their phones. My brother panicked, thinking I'd started a campaign against her.

Speaking of my brother, he called and texted me multiple times, furious that I excluded Amanda and even blamed me for any harm she might come to. He went as far as calling our mother, saying Amanda was depressed and threatening never to forgive me if something happened to her. My mom advised him to call for a welfare check if he was genuinely concerned because he, as an individual with no training, wouldn't be equipped to handle such situations.

The biggest development is that my brother got kicked out of his shared apartment. Lia called me to say their relationship might not continue and that she might not feel comfortable coming to the wedding. I understood her decision and offered an open ear. We met for coffee, and she recounted their ugly fight. Without going into all the details, Lia didn't hold back. She made my brother read every single text out loud between him and Amanda and sent a copy to one of her male friends, who replied, "Lia, WTF? This is not okay." She used this as evidence that their interactions were, at best, inappropriate and, realistically, an emotional affair. When my brother begged her to stay, she asked him why, knowing he would always choose Amanda. He swore he wouldn't, but his immediate response to a hysterical call from Amanda about "me bullying her" proved otherwise. Lia left while he comforted Amanda in another room. Later, she texted him that he needed to move out while she was away. It's her apartment, and she didn't want to see him until certain conditions were met: cutting Amanda out completely and seeking therapy to address his unhealthy patterns. The fight spanned two intense days.

Lia found solace in your podcast and the comments here. She described it as surreal but helpful. She sends her greetings and wants people in similar situations to know a few things: don't fear being alone because being with someone who's not good for you will make you feel lonelier than being single, never enter a relationship with a "I can fix him" mentality as it usually ends in heartbreak, prioritize yourself, and while trying to work things out is noble, don't depend on it as the solution.

That's pretty much it. It sounds convoluted, like a soap opera, but my day-to-day life has surprisingly been calm. I think my brother really needs to mature and either commit to Amanda or realize he's being strung along.

And to Amanda: Please grow up and leave me alone

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: Well is ur dad still coming to your wedding? I’m so glad Lia dumped your bro.

OOP: Yes, of course. Also They are on a break (please insert Ross gallery meme here )

The mods on Two Hot Takes leave a note on the post:

[Mod note]: Can confirm that someone was reporting this post and a bunch of comments for nonsense reasons when it first got traction. So, a not-so-happy "Hi Amanda!" from our moderation team.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

Part 1

5 updates - Long

- 11th January 2022

- 21st May 2022

- 26th July 2022

- 23rd September 2022

- 24th July 2023

My entitled half-sister induces childbirth 3 months early to get money - 3 months later

Oh boy, I wish this was a weird joke, but no. This happened. I have to warn ahead, this is not a pretty story.

As the saga of my family goes on, I'm happy to report I have moved to a safer town away from my half-sister's ex. I won't give details where, but far enough and with some changes in my personal life that will make very hard for that creep to find me or my daughter. On that note, due the situation we were in, we got lucky enough to get a priority on my foster daughter's adoption. She's now my partner and I's legal child.

That's the good news. The bad news are coming from my sister. So, I received an email a bit after New Years' from a relative in my birth country. He told me my sister was in urgent care since she had induced herself to give birth TO GET MONEY for having a baby with special needs. I can't make this up. Unfortunately it backfired horribly. I don't know all the details, but the methods she used were very aggressive and damaging. So much so, the baby might not make it. As of right now, the baby boy is alive, but so delicate my relatives were told the chance of him making it to the end of January are close to none. I understand some of the things she did was hit her own belly and other violent attacks on herself.

She, by some grace only entitled people have, is somewhat okay. Apparently the sudden birth didn't do much to her overall health so far. That said, as soon as she's released from the hospital, she is to be arrested and will stand trial. With how justice is back home, she's bound for prison. Highly religious people don't take this kind of behavior too kindly.

The baby, if he survives, will be taken in by the government. They consider my sister far too much of a risk to even grant custody to relatives. Not even distant or partial relatives in other countries are been considered. That's also not counting on the possible life long treatments that poor little one is going to need. From what I was told, he has high chances of neurological damage, more than likely will need special care for life and right now is so weak, they have to tube feed him since he can't actually drink not even from a bottle.

I want to make something clear and if I sound curt, is because I'm very much pissed off: I offered her a termination not because I believe in that procedure, but because I didn't want a child to be born to suffer. No child deserves what happened to this baby.

Needless to say, my ex-sister has lost not just her parental rights, but any support or affection the family had. I actually send a letter to her mother to be delivered to this woman telling her pretty much as far as I am concerned, she is no family and if she ever messages me I will block her. Even siblings I don't get along with agree with me. I feel ashamed that filth is even partially related to me. I wish I can put all my thoughts here, but the anger I feel is absolutely making me irrational right now, so for now all I will focus on is settling in my new home. I wish I had a happy joke to ease things, but there isn't. That woman has ruined so many lives I can't even imagine where she got it from. Not even our garbage father was this bad.

Small Edit: I wanted to post this before bed, but took me a bit to figure out the wording. I really appreciate the well wishes and hopes for the recovery of the child. I do too. The thing is, I don't see him as my nephew and would rather not get it mixed up. It's not to be callous or mean. I am just trying to avoid getting emotionally attached. We've already been told our family, extended included, will be no contact if he pulls through. He will be taken to the comparative to foster care and placed with a family in a closed adoption. We aren't even allow to see him, all news we get are hospital updates out of charity.

I did call to check if there's any updates, and other than my sister been finally released from the hospital and straight into a cell, nothing has changed. Little one is still fighting, so hopefully he'll get through and he'll be given to a family that deserves him.

Right now that monster I'm related to is looking at 10 to 20 years penalty (20 is the max offered in our birth country). And she'll have to represent herself as no one will pay for a lawyer and we don't have access to free lawyers like the US. And I want to point out, prisons where I come from are no resort. They are overcrowded, unhealthy, and underfunded. It was worst when I was a kid, but I know for a fact they are not much better. So I am more than sure that if she's convicted, she is looking to at least a decade on horrible conditions. And I feel absolutely no empathy for her.

2nd Update: Just wanted to post that unfortunately the little one didn't make it. He passed away early today. His grandmother was given permission to take care of the funeral and my siblings and I will be sending her money. We are low-key discussing bringing her to live in the US to live with my mom and her husband, as she is close to my mom and won't have to be alone being judged for what her daughter did. I don't think I can really update more for a while. At least until I know what will happen to that woman who now is absolutely bound for jail.

Comments

Adventurous-Cry-2157

She is, by far, one of the worst humans I’ve ever had the displeasure of hearing about. Your ex-sister is a monster. I hope she spends many long, miserable, painful years in prison. It still won’t make up for all the lives she’s ruined, but hopefully it will prevent her from ruining any more.

You did everything you could to prevent this (including offering to pay for termination) and save that poor, innocent baby from a life of pain. Just focus right now on your family, hold your partner and your daughter close, and thank whatever diety you believe in that you are nothing like that abomination.

My Entitled Sister got away with literal murder - 4 months later

So, been a while since I posted. I've been busy with a lot of changes and to be sincere my horrid sister was last in my mind.

This isn't a great update, but to shorten a lenghty story, my sister was arrested for causing injuries to her unborn baby. He was born premature and with severe physical damage. She was fine. Unfortunately the baby boy didn't make it and died a bit after being born.

A few days ago my uncle called to let me know my sister somehow managed to get all charges dropped except for a minor charge related to making a fake police report. (She accused her mother of stealing her car. My sister has no car)

Not the best news all things considered, but right now she has no money left save a few hundred dollars she was given by a mutual friend and no one in our mixed family wants to help her. She even tried contacting my parents (we share a deceased father not our mothers) to get my new number. Luckily they refused.

That's really my only consolation right now as like almost my whole life, she has the power to cause immense damage and still get out of it. Regardless, not all news are bad. I did hear because of her US criminal record she will not be allow to apply for a visa for 10 years. So she's stuck in Latin America with no home, actual money or a job. She's never held a job since we were kids and she's in her thirties.

Wish I had a more satisfactory report on this, but sadly there's no jail sentence.

Small edit: Also to clear something, my sister wasn't trying to terminate a pregnancy. She was trying to cause development damage to give birth to a special needs child. She would have had access to a monthly cheque for the rest of the child's life to cover their care and needs. Which I doubt she would use for that.

Comments

only1Leah

There's a special place in hell for people like that. I hope you live an amazing life away from her and her selfishness.

My insane half-sister creates fake social media under my name - 2 months later

Oh boy, here we go again....

Small footnote because the PMs are driving me nuts, my sisters are not really called 'Karen' and 'Mary'. I used fake names for everyone, including my daughter and my stalker to respect privacy. So Lili is a fake name as well as Ken. No, I really don't plan to share anyone's real name.

To the actual story, I got called into a video conference today because I had 'broken the company's social behavior policies'. The run down on those is basically that we're not allowed to post innappropiate social media and we are to behave in a way that represents the company respectfully and properly. I am corporate, so very strict for me. Some of these policies are straight firing if broken.

Obviously I was terrified, up until my boss described the situation. Apparently someone created an onlyfans under -my- name. No, not giving it out. Don't even ask, please. It was very... um... saying innappropiate isn't enough. Straight up really bad p*rn based on the thumbnails which I hope a round of heavy alcohol will help me forever forget.

First of all, I don't have nearly enough confidence for onlyfans. I don't even have the courage to go into the website. Not my thing. Second, I just had to laugh when HR pulled the page with my name on it and a picture of Karen. I just stared at them and asked if they saw the issue. They tried to paint it as 'well it still reflects poorly on the company'. I'll cut the amount of BS that went back and forth until the boss basically said this was stupid and to just let it be since its obvious the person in the onlyfans is not me. The only thing Karen and I have in common is our nose and eye color.

I am ignoring the whole thing, though I low key sent it to our eldest brother who already told me he's gonna take care of it. Knowing him? Karen might end up in a convent. Or somewhere with no internet. There's a lot of towns in our home country like that.

Pretty sure this was an attempt to get me fired or maybe have my partner leave me. Could even be a prelude to reporting me to CPS to get my daughter taken from me. I already have them informed of the situation and our case worker actually laughed at the sheer stupidity.

So yeah, seems this is going to be my new normal until Karen finds a new target.

In any case, I just wanted to say thanks to people that offered support to myself and my little Sith. Lili is doing great in her new school and has already found an apprentice/best friend for all star wars related shenanigans. She also discovered a new fascination in Avatar, so now she wants to learn martial arts.

Mary and her wife are doing well too, they are actually considering adoption too in the not necessarily near future. Right now they enjoy spoiling Lili rotten.

Comments

Pan-Pan90

I really hoped she'd stop, since the unfortunate situation with the baby she wanted you to take on paper ended the way it did. It's good that you are keeping tabs (and hopefully copies) for legal purposes if it comes to that. Karen needs a little mental health help based on how crazy she is acting; coming up with this poorly done 'revenge porn' thing.

It's a little creepy with how obsessed she's getting with you, too. It's like she doesn't want to be herself anymore, she wants to be you and this is just the first step into madness.

I'm glad to hear all the sane relatives are doing well, that Lili is doing fabulous and that your boss told HR that trying to fire you, when it's...I'm not sure if this falls under identity theft, but with how it could effect your job, that's the best label I have for it. I hope brother does something that makes her stop soon, because you deserve to just enjoy your life with your little Sith bud in peace.

OOP: In all honesty, so long she stays far away, she can go insane and dig her own grave for all I care. I know that makes me sound heartless, but I'm just done emotionally with her. I see her the same way I see our father. A simple unfortunate DNA partial match.

My entitled half-sister update 1 year later - 2 months later

Since apparently its been one year since this mess started and I have a few PMs asking for it, I figure I should at least update on things. The good news is my family, partner and daughter, are okay. We're settled in our new home and working through things.

As for dear Karen (my horrid half-sister and this is a fake name for her), well, I actually saw her. Not on purpose, mind you. About a month past I went to my home country to tie up some loose ends. Closing bank accounts and preparing a property for sale. I took my adoptive daughter so she could see her birth family and left her with them for the week we were staying.

While I was in the hotel, since as much as I love my relatives I really feel uncomfortable staying in someone else's house, I got called to the lobby. Apparently someone claiming to be my relative was there. I told them I wasn't expecting any visits, but they insisted I came down because apparently the person refused to leave otherwise. Thinking it could be an emergency, and I do have relatives that don't have cellphones, I decided to go see what was going on. Who happened to be, but dear old Karen. She looked fine. Nothing out of the world so I figured she probably got a job of some sorts and was doing okay. The moment she saw me she tried to get close to me for a hug, but I took a step back and asked her to leave.

Immediately she began screaming that I had to give her money. That her life was all a mess and her baby was dead because -I- refused to take them in. The hotel staff tried getting her out and even threatened me with cancelling my reservation, but I reminded them they called me and I wanted nothing to do with this person.

Karen began saying she would stalk outside the hotel until I either gave her ten thousand dollars or a property I had begun to prepare for sale. I asked for the police and to please not let her anywhere near my room. Eventually they got her to leave the lobby, but she did stay near the entrance. Even after multiple police calls, the best they did was let her be on the opposite end of the street. So after discussing the situation with the manager, they kindly set me in a different hotel from the same branch in another area. Personally, this worked for me, since I love that area and I could really just relax for the remaining days. My daughter actually joined me the last two days with her birth mom and we had a moms and daughter day.

From what my relatives told me, Karen is working in a club as a hostess. Not that kind of club, just a normal tourist trap. She's doing fine enough to rent a place, but no real luxuries or the lifestyle she was used to when all she had to do was call me and I would buy her whatever she wanted out of guilt for having money.

Last I heard, my half-sister has been going around claiming the old property I'm selling is hers and tried to find the paperwork for it in my relatives' house. I'm not so dumb to leave it there, though. In case she reads this, I won't say where they are, but they are completely out of her reach.

Comments

Pan-Pan90

Man Karen needs to leave you alone already, but I am glad your daughter didn't have to deal with her. Though you'd think she wouldn't have found you, so I wonder who talked. If there's some legal process to disinherit her in your home country, I'd file it because you know if she somehow outlives you, she's going to be all "It's all mine!"

I hope the sales go through smoothly, warn your realtor or whoever is handling the sales about Karen (and provide a photo for them if they don't have one already). They should know who to ask the neighbors to look out for around the property. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to vandalize your properties to drive buyers away or something.

Good luck OP ^{^}

OOP: Unfortunately for her, since we're half-sisters, if I die before her my assets will either go to my adoptive daughter, my partner OR my nephews on my mother side. Karen was never recognized by our father so our relationship was only because of our mothers trying to make sure we had a friendship of sorts.

As for who talked, could have been a relative or someone from the old neighborhood. That's just how it goes, really. I know a lot of old friends found out and wanted to catch up since I grew up in a tight community.

My entitled sister passed away and made sure to leave the bill to me - 1 year later

Oh boy, where to start....

To be frank, I haven't really been paying too much attention to reddit, so my apologies to a lot of replies I've missed. I actually have been postponing this for a bit, out of respect.

As you all know, my eldest sister was the bane of my existance for the last few years. And I have to admit a small part of me always toyed with the idea 'if she was just gone my life would be easier'. Well, ask and you will be given, want it or not.

With her passing, I don't feel uncomfortable sharing her first name. Karen, as I called her in stories, was actually named Leticia. Leti was a mess to say the least, but I do have a lot of fond memories when we were kids. I'm going to try to keep things on the right side of petty, since even with her passing I still have a lot of salt.

On May 2023, Mary and I decided to check on things. Find out if she was okay, if there was any mess we should clean, or any of the many things we could think she would be up to. We ended up finding out she had passed away on April. It is related to damaged she caused to her body during her pregnancy. I won't share details, so I ask anyone with morbid curiousity to not ask even in private messages.

Obviously we went straight to our home country to check the situation and make sure she had been given a proper burial. She was still in a morgue, so we paid the fees needed and prepared her funeral. A lot of family refused to come, including Leti's mother, so we didn't do anything big. A simple online service for anyone that wanted to attend anonymously and quick burial.

After that was done, we set out to get her affairs in order. That's when we found she left over 25k of bills for Mary and I to pay. Unlike the US, where we come from debts are passed to the closest relatives regardless of the debtor's death. In this case, it would be Leti's mother, but we decided to take it over. That's not counting her funeral costs, the fines with the morgue and other miscellaneous.

The peak of pettiness came when we were taking out her stuff from the place she rented. We found a lot of missing items. From toys from our childhood, to jewelry. Even my graduation dress. She was selling all of them online. A lot of these items were in storage, so she had somehow made a copy of the storage key.

I don't celebrate her death. Nor do I feel sad, to be honest. I just feel exhausted. I always wanted to be close with my siblings. Unfortunately, I'm realizing for her, I was just an easy mark. I felt guilty I had a lot growing up, while my sisters were excluded because they were born out of wedlock. It wasn't their fault, and I'm also realizing it wasn't my fault.

Over the last few years I really appreciate how some people made me laugh here, and I absolutely had a blast sharing how entitled my family is. This isn't really how I wanted my sister's story to end for all she was. I rather she was still causing issues. At the same time, there's a little bit of peace knowing I can visit my family and community without feeling like a target. I know the mourning and sadness will eventually come, she was my sister after all. So I'm writing this before grief makes me less bitter.

Comments

Human_Management8541

So sorry for your loss. And I have a brother with a similar life. I love him but can't have him in my life, and I know that someday, I will get a call that he died, and I will have to clean up whatever mess he leaves behind. It sucks.

Justmakehimleave

I had a brother like this too. One day the call did come. I thought the police were just calling to Lmk he was in custody…but they were there because he was gone. I wish I could accurately describe the feelings. A big part of them was relief…because I knew that he’d had a hard road…his life WAS hard..but the guilt I felt for not being able to do more to help him was nearly unbearable as I thought about him in his afterlife…was he in heaven or hell? I would be afraid sometimes to walk down the hallway to my bedroom because I might see him haunting me and pop out of the bathroom. (I realize this is ridiculous but the mind plays tricks on you sometimes) My brother was a heroin addict. He stole from my parents, from me. He sent me awful pictures of a him with a needle in his arm. I spent more time chasing him around and trying to stop him from hurting himself and everyone else. Still, when he died, I wondered how alone he felt…or was he feeling guilt…because in my heart I really hope not. I know he was sick. His mind was sick. He was a human being who was terribly broken. In this life, even knowing the outcome, I know I made the right decision to keep my family safe from him and to distance myself. I just wish it could have been different.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Kerbal Space Program 2 is (was) the sequel to the beloved . It's a lite space simulation game that is approachable enough for anyone but rich in detail and possibilities. It's inspired a couple actual careers in rocketry.

A sequel was announced in 2019 with a . Long story short, the game entered an extremely janky early access state and was way overcosted. Then they shut down the entire studio and . Despite the publisher that they would not shut down that studio. Even though they canned an entire studio, Take Two has given no indication about the game's future and continues to sell KSP 2 at its high original price. It's been into oblivion by burned owners trying to dissuade guillible souls from buying it.

After seeing their sequel to a beloved game get Kristi Noemed, KSP 2's main subreddit has seen its fair share of grieving and anger. Some players intend to ride this disaster to rapid unplanned disassembly on terrain contact. Others have reverted back to the original KSP, still kept alive by an incredibly welcoming community with a lively modding scene.

But one user .

What if we got hold of Elon Musk to take over KSP 2's development and rescue it?

Slapfights break out in the comments as the majority of users voice their distaste over this idea.

A to discuss the shortcomings of this plan falls flat with OP.

Incidentally, this isn't the first time someone has suggested this. The resulted in no meaningful drama.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Married almost 35 years and just found out he’s had a side piece for 2 years.. im devastated

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, cancer, spousal neglect, harassment, verbal abuse

: March 19, 2024

Picture transcript of the letter:

Dear Mrs. [Redacted]

I am writing this letter to inform you that your husband [redacted] has been having an affair with a neighbor of yours in [redacted] by the name of [redacted]. They have been sleeping together and having an affair for over two years. They meet at the pool area and the dog park in your community. They often go away on weekends together camping or to various hotel rooms. I felt like you should know what is going on and why [redacted] is gone so much. I have also een him drop off your dogs at her house. No woman should have to find out about an affair this way. I am sorry. I just thought you should know.

Post:

Throwaway obviously….

I’ve been married almost 35 years, yes to the same person, And while it hasn’t been perfect, it’s been alright, kids, dog, white fence…. I’ve got those…. Our personal lives have suffered somewhat, I went from being a virgin on my wedding night, to stepping out of my comfort zones to please him sexually ( ménage a trios) to where Saturday, it will be 6 years since we’ve been intimate at all.

For the longest time, I thought he was having an emotional affair with his male friend, that he had fished with, but had become ill, with cancer, because he would drop everything and anything for him, including plans we had, for him, plus there were a few texts, that while not sexual, were more then friendship!

But for some reason, while I was hurt, I was not threatened, I know he is extremely ill, there is no physical relationship going on, his time is short, and once this was out of his system, he would be back to his ‘normal’ self and me his wife…(I’m really sorry if my words sound crude, that’s not how I want them to sound) but once he passed, my husband would be back to me.

So I was gone this past week, dog sitting/house sitting for my sister, and got home last night to check the mail….. there was a blank envelope with everything typed, inside was a short note : picture above…. I know who the female is, it’s one of his ‘friends’ I’m completely devastated!!! To me a woman is harder to compete with, what does she have/do that I don’t?

I decided to get healthy, and lost weight, I’ve lost over 130 lbs, I don’t hear nothing from him….. I went to the Dr last week, dressed nicely, and he told me I was embarrassing him that his wife was running around town looking like a whore. With her tits hanging out …. I had a slight my off the shoulders white ilet with dark jeans….?

Since finding this out, I’ve become obsessed, in finding evidence, I stalk her facebook, their call logs, he calls her an average 68 times a day with calls lasting 5-15 minutes, I’ll drive by her house, I’ll type and delete her name, phone number, address.. wanting to confront both of them, blame her, blame him, . Wonder what she has I don’t, how I can fix this, Do I want to fix it, do he? What do I do? Where do I go? How? I’ve cried for 2 days now, I can’t stand to look at him, and I’m afraid to talk to him,

Additional Information from OOP

OP HERE. ******

I can’t edit my post. Part of the reason for the Dead Bedroom was due to medical…. Medication we were both on messed with both our libido. Between Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Depression, medication it messes with your body, I spoke with my dr got mine changed up , got the drive back, He didn’t, there wasn’t much that could change in terms of his meds, but it’s obvious I don’t do it for him

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple questions on the length of her marriage and children

[Editor’s Note: made small modifications on OOP’s comment to make it readable]

OOP: 100% real, I’m extremely upset, and I apologize if my grammar isn’t up to snuff… I haven’t had much sleep these past couple days.. Married at 19, will be 54 this year. First kid at 20. Then following kids [19]93, [19]98, [20]04.

And yes this was done on my phone

OOP on if the letter she received was real

OOP: This is real, I am real, my life, kids,grandkid, animals are all real Our lack of libido is real, medical issues that caused it, real, ect….. her picture, phone number, his call log, her address, photo of her house, car, saved in a file on my phone, completely real

OOP on her and her husband’s ethnicities

OOP: White woman, married to Asian man

: March 25, 2024

So after a few days of crying and feeling miserable, I became obsessed in finding more information, mind you, this all came to light last Sunday, before that I was walking around in an ignorance state of not knowing.

So I started scanning phone logs, daily phone calls to and from her 6 to 7+ times a day 20-40 minutes each (I had a typo in my first post) I went through his office, nightstand, etc….. I don’t know exactly what I was looking for, but I was looking for something…..I would drive by her house when he would leave, ….. in other words…. I was going crazy And by Wednesday, I broke, I was tired of him acting like it’s a normal day, that there was nothing going on…. I could not take it anymore….. and I first wanted to talk to her!!!!

So I took off in my car, drove to the dog park, empty… so I drove to her house, started pounding on her security door, and ringing her door bell (she has a Ring) telling her to ‘open her F’ing door’ and if ‘ your woman enough to FK a married man you should be women enough to talk to his wife!’ This went on maybe 10 minutes or so, she didn’t answer, I text my husband that we needed to talk and that ‘I Know!’

My sister is on the phone with my trying to calm me down and to get me to leave her place, before the police are called. In the 3 minutes (yes , he picks someone in our community) it took me to get home, not only had she called him she also sent him the video!! So I confronted him, somewhat, it was more like, he gaslit me the entire time, he talked down, Get your Ass in the house, I can’t believe you did something so F’ing stupid, etc….. turned it around on me: you are always sitting on the couch, unless your sister invites you out, And didn’t deny he was with her, it’s none of your business!!!! When I asked if he would stop seeing her he said he would not give her up, she is a good friend of his

And the biggest smack in my face, he wants me to apologize to her!! For embarrassing her in her neighborhood!! And I guess she is talking about filing a restraining order against me.

So Thursday, and Friday I finished, my pity party, and Saturday, I started doing things I never thought I would have to do on my 35 anniversary…. I reached out to divorce attorneys , they were closed, but filled out the forms for consultations. I also started a resume, and applying for jobs, but after not working for 20+ years, what kinda work am I going to be qualified for???

I stayed at my sisters this weekend, I needed the change of scenery, between his attitude, the not happening anniversary, and the funky feeling I needed a break

: April 14, 2024

So it’s been about a month since I found out about his affair, It still sucks!! And I’d like to say I’ve totally gotten over him, but one doesn’t turn off feelings like a light switch, at least I don’t, And sometimes, I think, maybe we can fix this, but then he does something all Ahole again, and I’m back on track with my plans and goals!

So I’ve set goals for myself, and have been working towards them, my first one, Get a job! (I was a housewife 99% of my marriage) not only did I get one, I found 2 that I can work at the same time!! I opened a secret account, not in my name, and am stashing all my extra money in it… he controls all the house money, tightly, so I have to get creative, he knows about 1 job not the other one though!

I’ve gone back to school to get my degree, geared towards what I’m doing, so far, it’s going good, I’m remaining positive and pushing forward, even when he gets negative towards me: your just going to quit! You will flunk out, etc….. I am saving for a small place, hopefully a little ADU or an apartment, that will allow my little dogs, Once the apartment is lined up, then I will file for divorce, I need to make sure I have a safe place to go, because he will become nasty once served

So far, things are calm here, I don’t ask about her although they speak daily still, and I’m sure are hanging out, 🙄. In our community, it’s like he is trying to rub my nose in it, the thing is I’m not letting him know or see that it’s bothering me, at all.. which in turn, is bugging the crap out of him!!! So he threatened to take my phone away, ok fine, I went and bought a cheap burner phone, just in case he does…. So now, he has switched to being nice, he has bought parts for my car, paid the labor, bought my scrubs and equipment I need for work and school, he asked for a list and bought it….,

It’s times when he’s nice, I think there might be hope for us, but as long as she is in the picture, nope! Then he turns back into The Ass again with empty threats, and knocking down my confidence, and I’m back to counting months until I can move

: June 25, 2024

Previous post linked above

I’m still on my phone, and just worked an overnight shift, so I’m tired.

So we are in the month of June, and quite a bit has transpired, some good some not

I finally broke down and told my kids, those were extremely difficult calls to make, and I told them everything, I took responsibility for my part, and admitted I could had done things better. They, my kids -all older- said while not perfect, I did my best with what I had, And that didn’t excuse his cheating!

My eldest wanted to come out and go a few rounds with his dad, and confront the other woman, I told him, it wasnt worth it. 2nd son is my thinker, he didn’t say much, but he is deep in thought, you can tell, 3rd son said it’s about time , with the way he talked to you, and treated you, I hope your thinking about leaving!!!!!

I was honestly on the fence, he would flip flop between I want to work on us, and fix us to his actions said differently

And my past 2 weeks have been the worst, so since he has been using my son’s car, my son put a tracking device in his car…. Yes I have access to it, no he does not know about it. He would tell me he is going to one place and go straight to the other woman’s house, and if I would ask where he was, he would lie to my face… I just kept notes on it….. until I couldn’t anymore…

Fathers. Day - I had worked the night before, got off work at 8am, had text him what he had wanted for dinner that night, stopped at the store, bought everything, came home got it started, and tried to take a nap. (mind you, he did nothing whatsoever on Mother’s Day)

He wakes me up to borrow $40 to go to a sporting goods store, so I said fine, dinners in an hour- hour and a half, Plz don’t be late, 2 hours later not back, I check the tracking, he went straight to her house and had not moved… so I go do a drive by, his car is parked in the garage, she is parked outside, so I come back home…. I’m more upset for my son …. I text him: you need to come home, we need to talk, I know you’re not at the sports store! Nothing.

After 30 minutes, his car still had not moved, so I called her, of course she doesn’t answer. So I leave a voicemail: I know my husband is at your house! You win, I’m done! It’s obvious he wants to be with you, I’m tired of the lies, his bull, he doesn’t want someone who has loved and fought for him for 35 years, I’m done!!!! Come get his Dog, and his stuff you’ve won!

And I hung up

10 minutes later he comes in, with a Walmart bag says he went to Walmart then a friend, made tacos for him, I dished up servings for my son and I , then threw the rest of the meal in the trash!!! He gives me attitude, because she feels threatened now because I called her, now she has to change her number, and in her line of work, she will lose clients 😭😭. I didn’t threaten her, I told him if he wasn’t happy here he knew where the door was, he was welcome to use it!!

He was quiet all week, but was a jerk as well, and his only concern was seeing that woman.

I had melanoma removed , I needed a driver, so he took me, when I got in the car, not one word, no how are you, how did it go? Are you ok? Nope! All he said was, I’m Hungry! And it was the 30th anniversary of losing my sister to melanoma, so I was extra sensitive….

Little things were just adding up, he was forgetting things, that I needed, or I had asked, I was at the bottom of his list!

On our son’s Birthday, he couldn’t even wait for him to blow out the candles before he went to her house.

So this last Sunday. He was going through the kitchen cabinets, pulling some soup out, and said he was going to take it to this couple who have been stranded down the road for a couple weeks in a broken down RV, So I gathered a few more items, and whatnot , and he leaves, but leaves the bag of stuff on the counter….. I check, and yep, he went right to her house…. This was it.. my last bit of energy, for this marriage….

So I text him again:

I don’t understand why you need to lie, there is no: dog park, hiking trail, fishing spot, sporting goods store, broken down RV , nor Walmart on Bunkerhill! Why not be honest and tell me you’re going to her house? It’s obvious, regardless of what you’re saying, you don’t want to work on our marriage. You have and are choosing her over your family.

And sent it… and I tried to call him, Didn’t answer,,, so I text. Didn’t think you would answer

Not even 5 minutes later he comes screeching in the driveway, slamming in the house, screaming, what the F is wrong with you ? You Fing Mother Fing B! (I’m sure if I was in the same room as him, he would have hit me) I told him I’m tired of him lying to me, just tell me he’s going to the whores house, he’s been going this entire time, and yet still lies about it, And doesn’t he think if I’m questioning where he is, I know ?!?!

He called me a few choice names and ignored me the rest of the night, I’m sure my neighbors loved it!!!

I went yesterday, Monday, to file for Divorce!!!!! And got 💩 news!! Because he is a 1099 employee, hasn’t technically worked in almost 2years, although my bills are paid, because I’m not on his bank accounts, I never have been, I’ve always had to ask for money from him,, And because he stopped me from doing his taxes 3 years ago, because they were too complicated for you! If I were to file for divorce right now, and ask for alimony, he could, immediately file to lower it, and the judge could agree with him… my lawyer suggested waiting 3 months, to file, as he is now working again, started this week, and submits paper bids, so I’m to collect as much evidence as I can in the meantime… he was impressed with as much as I did have this far.

So, I’m planning and playing it cool till September

Relevant Comments

Embarrassed_Sky3188: I know this hurts now, but you will be better off without a parasite sucking the life out of you.

I don't know anything about this, but I think you should get a second opinion from a different lawyer. 1099s are still proof of income. It feels like they could subpoena those and his full tax records (which he may not have filed at all).

OOP: He owns his own business, and the company he sub contracts through sends him a 1099, I haven’t seen a tax return in 3 years as we file separately, I try to look when he isn’t home, but his office is a mess! I’m going to keep looking though, because there has to be something,

OOP on why she needs his alimony. Her children are all grown and she works now

OOP: I just started back to work 2 months ago, I spent most of our marriage as a housewife, taking care of him and our kids, My youngest son is 20, but is special needs, and mentally is about 12.

Earlier when I learned about this affair, I would have done anything to get him back…. Now? No. I don’t want him back , I deserve better!

OOP on securing all of her legal documents

OOP: All those documents have since been removed to a safe location, back in April

OOP explains why she is waiting until September to make a move onto the alimony

OOP: I’ve lasted this long, and honestly, if I were to walk away now, I couldn’t afford to survive in a decent place with my son, even with my job, and after all I’ve done, including taking care of his mom, which I did willingly, and help in his business, run the home etc… I deserve it… I just want what is fair to get a safe place for my son.

According to the lawyer it could mean the difference between from $500 a month to $4500 a month. Ballpark figures here, but it was a substantial difference.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for calling MIL by her last name instead of Grandma?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation

  Sept 3, 2020

My relationship to my MIL, "Mrs Smith," is crap. She's cold to me because I kept my last name, Miller. She says "I'll treat her like family when she wants to be part of it." She calls me "Jake's friend." My husband Jake loves me all the same. He doesn't bother standing up to her because it's a way for her to start a fight. We rarely talk to her. She makes no effort. Neither do we.

Jake and I had discussed whose last name our kid would have prior to the birth. He initiated the conversation. I'd left the decision up to him.

After the birth, the families visited at the hospital. Jake asked what our Sons last name was gonna be. I told him it was still his choice. He smiled and said "little Baby Miller, I like it." He filled out the paper work. MIL looked livid. She started asking questions but my dad started crying. Both of my brothers have died. Dad has never mentioned it but I know passing the last name down makes him happy. Neither Jake or I anticipated this nor did it for this reason but it was sweet all the same.

After she left MIL let people know what I had done. And how now she wouldn't feel like a grandmother. A month later a SIL announced her pregnancy. MIL said "fianlly! I'll feel like a grandmother!" Again, my husband didn't say anything, neither did I.

Our son started talking. During a video call, where my MIL did nothing but gush about SILs daughter, who is adorable, Jake was trying to get the baby to talk. Son lost interest, I took Son and Jake let MIL ramble some more before ending the call. MIL said she wanted to say bye to Son. Jake turned the phone. MIL said "say bye to grandma! Make Son say it! I'm grandma now!" I snapped inside so I said "say 'bye Mrs Smith.'" My MIL face dropped, Jake turned the camera away and said bye quickly. He laughed, said I was awesome, but we better put our phones on silent.

The only call/text I responded to was the other SIL who said I didn't need to go out of my way to be nasty. That MIL went around saying how excited she was about Son (lie). That her initial comments were understandable because I talked Jake out of tradition (I DID NOT) and that I'd hurt MIL. MIL needed time to adjust. I said "thank you for your input."

MIL texted eventually saying I'd really upset her. I said "here I was, trying to respect the importance you feel to last names. You've said multiple times I'm not family because of my last name. You made it more than clear that's the reason my child doesn't make you feel like a grandma. Now you'll be known as Mrs Smith."  She said sorry, she didn't mean it that way, but that my dad's reaction was an example of how important last names are. I now had to forgive her because family.

It made me angrier that she brought my dad into this and I can't tell if I'm being TA or not.

Edit. Thank you again to everyone who gave awards! It was very kind of you and I do appreciate it.

Jake is home and I had him read the post. Some of you really cracked him up. Some made good points which we have discussed.

Apparently he also got a text from his sister and asked how much money she got from MIL for telling me off. He also made sure to tell SIL who had the baby that we hold nothing against her, should MIL try to spin it that way. She knows MIL better thankfully.

Jake would also like to tell those who are telling me I should take his name that he disagrees and he's not about the sexism you're spewing. Though he does now want to send MIL a Christmas card from "The Millers".

Edit 2. You guys are being great. I woke up to many more responses than I anticipated. Thank you.

Just to clarify, my son will not be calling MIL Mrs Smith. They barely have a relationship as he's still a baby and MIL makes no effort.

After some discussion, Jake is gonna take time to figure out what he wants from MIL and if he thinks that's possible.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Can I just say your marriage sounds great? The way you wanted the baby's lastname to be his choice and he chose yours? There's so much love and respect here. Also I like how he stands by your side in his mother's nonsense. You both are awesome. NTA.

OOP

I just assumed our son would have his. He brought it up. He said it was fair since I was doing all the work. He said if he pushed a human out of him he'd want to put his name on it. Which makes me laugh. I still let it be his choice because regardless of his name, I'm gonna love this kid. If we have a second, I may insist they get his last name. Seems fair.

I am a very lucky woman, but it should be noted he wears his gross shoes through the house, so not perfect. But he says I sleep like an MMA fighter so I suppose we're even

OOP responds to a comment that answers many points

""I don't see a reason why you were angry when she told you about you father's reaction. Seems a pretty valid point, the importance that the last name has for your father and her. This observation doesn't excuse her actions but still a good point... I mean, for what you have said seems like your dad would have done any nasty comments but him crying shows how important it is for some people.""

MIL divorced the man who's last name she took. It wasn't even her original name. And she has another son who is going to have kids. My husband wasn't her only option. And my father lost two sons. My dads reaction comes from a very different emotional place. And frankly, he knew he wasn't entitled to it. He simply appreciates it. Even FIL didn't care. And again, this decision was made by my husband, with my full support. Why isn't she mad at him?

""I'm not sure if this how you should say it "taste of her own medicine". It was a good move to show her how unrespectful she was doing the same and calling her by her last name was a good move indeed... But now that she is taking accountability (I think that's the word), it would be a jerk move keep calling her in that way. Maybe you can use this to out boundaries to her actions so it would be smart to get an agreement instead of keeping the lastname war.""

I'm not gonna keep calling her that. I'm currently discussing with my husband what we should do.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

  Oct 23, 2020

Jake and I appreciated all the support. Though Jake wants the DMers to know that he's okay with me taking his balls because he loses everything anyway. This brought him a good chuckle before the serious talk. We both also want to be very clear that taking his name was never on the table, nor does he care. I also do want to say I know how great Jake is. Though since the post he's been "demanding" I thank "the worlds best husband" anytime he does something for me. His humor is my favorite part of him.

Because it's his mom, I let him decide how to handle it. We both did agree that our son would obviously know MIL as his grandma, but he wouldn't have a relationship with her unless she addressed the blatant favoritism.

That conversation did not go well. She denied having favorites, lied about pretty much everything, then told me the compromise she was willing to make was that if she had to accept me for who I am (being that I kept that name) I'd have to accept her for who she is. I didn't respond before Jake ripped into her about how she didn't get to make demands. That she was critical of me, assumed things that he already told her weren't true. That this conversation was happening because we didn't accept who she was. He said if he ever heard her make another comment about the Miller last name, he'd take it. She started crying about losing her family and he hung up.

One SIL, who is MILs favorite child, sent me a nasty message including the line "I wonder if your dead brother would happy you used him to break MILs heart." I sent the screenshot to MIL and said "call off your dog or I'll take her to the pound." I have sent a screenshot of that to anyone who has tried to question me. If they tried to defend MIL or SIL, I blocked them. Word got around quickly about this and now SIL is all but cut out of FILs side of the family. Even FIL has come down on her hard. SIL is desperately trying to apologize and fix this. She even allowed Jake to read everything MIL sent to her about my last name. I tried to read some of it but stopped. I don't want to be angry. I'm taking time to decide how to handle this.

I am happy to be done with MIL. She never really bothered me. It does takes a lot to get to me. But I don't want her behavior and attitudes being normalized with my son. I wasn't prepared for motherhood to have such a strong effect.

Jake did admit he gave Son my last name for my dad. Years ago my dad asked if Jake was gonna propose to me. Jake said if my dad wanted to know he would give him a heads up but he wouldn't ask for his blessing or permission. In many more words, dad said he never had any expectations of that. He didn't worry about gender roles though he was glad he would gain a son again. Jake didn't feel obligated. He just wanted to do that for my dad.

Sincerely, thank you all.

Edit. Hey everyone, I did not expect to wake up to the aunt of messages I did. I appreciate them all. Jake takes both the compliments and the insults. As do I.

I also want to clear up some questions.

Yes, this is real but I'm not going to prove that.

MIL took FILs name. They are divorced. They have two daughters and two sons. BIL intends to have children and will pass on the Smith name. SIL has a daughter who has SILs husband's name. SIL also took his name. The youngest SIL is the one who sent the text.

Im not going to apologize for how I spoke to MIL after she encouraged her daughter to use my brother like that. There is text proof that MIL did this. SIL showed Jake. I have no intentions on seeking therapy or a relationship with either of them and that's the most that can be asked of me in this upset of a state.

If/when we have a second child, I always intended for them to get Jake's last name. Jake knows and is cool with it.

Jake is willing to be called by my last name but I doubt he'll actually change it. Niether of us our willing to do paperwork out of spite either.

Yes, I still cry remembering my dad cry about this. I always assumed Jake did this for this reason. He really is a great man.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sbargos

You've got yourself a great husband. Not a lot of people could stand their ground like he did. Good luck to both of you and your little son

OOP

He's always been able to stand up for himself. I won't say it didn't get to him, especially what his sister did, but he just runs it out. He may also make himself a world's best husband t shirt if he sees more compliments. But he does deserve it.

And thank you.

~

rafster929

Would he consider changing his name to Miller or would that just pour more gasoline on the fire?

OOP

Yes he would but he tries not to let anger make his decisions. I also don't think he would because of the paper work required and he does everything he can to avoid it. Including bribe me to do it.

~

fanpal95

That line "call your dog off or ill take her to the pound" so bloody good.

OOP

I didn't mean it violently either. Just keep you're yapping dog in your yard or I'll make it someone else's problem. SIL is still yapping, just more whiney now. I don't think she realized her family would draw a line in the sand. They majority aren't necessarily taking our side, but it's clear they're staying out of it because defending her isn't really an option.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OOP. OOP is and they posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

 and  originally posted by 

and originally posted by

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, harassment, emotional manipulation and abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, extreme entitlement, parental abandonment, assault, vandalism, child abuse

*Editor's Note: This saga has gotten so long (and the last post was in November 2023) so I will make a TL;DR of the previous BoRUs before getting into OOP's (hopefully) last update. To skip directly to the update, look for the =====

TL;DR Begins in 2020-November 2022

OOP is in his 30s and his younger brother, Dan, is 29. Dan is married with 4 kids. SIL refuses to work, so Dan can't afford to live anywhere but with his parents, in a crowded 3 bedroom home. Dan is the golden child of the family. At the pandemic's start, OOP lost his job and couldn't afford his place. Knowing he was about to be homeless, he bought a camper and asked his parents if he could park it on their property. They wanted a high rent. After a few months, OOP finally gets a job at a warehouse that even lets him park his camper there. He works his tail off and moves up in the company, saving his money. Eventually, he buys a house. His family shows up unannounced and SIL and Dan look at the house with greedy eyes. Dan wants to move his whole family in, rent-free. OOP tells him no and SIL attacks him. OOP threatens to call the police and they leave. OOP posts the story first on social media, controlling the narrative among extended family. A week later, the family returns, demanding OOP change his mind, but he doesn't. A week after that, Dan and SIL show up with a moving truck and drill out his locks, ready to move in. OOP shows up, quickly gets back in his truck, and calls the police. Chaos ensues, but OOP finally gets them to leave with police help.

TL;DR November 2022 - Just after Christmas 2022

OOP has a Christmas party at his new house for his extended family, but doesn't invite his immediate family. It's going well and he's having a good time, when his immediate family shows up. Extended family calls them out for their actions and OOP tells SIL she needs to get a job if she wants to be able to afford a house. Their oldest son (7) started kicking OOP and yelling. They finally leave. Later on SIL floats the idea of the parents getting a camper and moving in it, giving SIL's family full run of parents' house. The parents shot that idea down quickly.

TL;DR Winter 2023-Sometime later in 2023

OOP's parents ask to meet in public. Dan is with them and they ask OOP to help Dan get an apartment, cosigning and helping to pay for it. OOP says no, pointing out that they wouldn't help him when he was homeless and have always favored Dan. He asks his family if they think he's rich and he breaks down his budget so they can see he isn't. They eventually give up and leave. SIL has been complaining about the parents and OOP on social media, but OOP has ignored it. OOP decides to rent out the other two rooms in his house to friends. His family takes it badly, sending his mom to beg him to let Dan and his family rent from him. OOP points out that Dan broke into his house and he would never rent to him anyway. OOP finally gets cameras for his house. Dan discovers SIL has been cheating and the youngest child isn't his. When Dan confronted her about the affair, she attacked him, and their eldest got hurt trying to intervene. Police were called and she was arrested. Once she was released, she went to OOP's house to call him out on his Reddit posts, causing all of this mess. She shoves OOP and threatens him. He says he will call the police and has it on his doorbell cam. OOP decides to take the video from the previous year and the doorbell cam footage to the police and also gives the footage to Dan's divorce lawyer. After all of SIL's shenanigans, the parents seem to come out of the fog and have started attending church. They saw a video post describing the saga so far and came to OOP to give a genuine apology.

TL;DR Fall 2023

OOP gets into the details of Dan's divorce. SIL actually had her affair partner testify. Dan ended up taking on a lot of the debt to get his name off the birth certificate of the baby but didn't have to pay alimony since SIL ended up working for her family. She got partial custody of the other children, but she rarely sees them. Dan gets depressed and drunk after the divorce and ends up driving to OOP's house. OOP berates him for driving drunk but takes him to commiserate in his camper. It becomes sort of a bonding/healing moment for the brothers. Later on, Dan asks if he can borrow OOP's camper so his kids can have more room in their parent's house while he tries to pay down the debts he took on in the divorce. OOP agrees, telling him he will be responsible for any damages. Things have started getting a little better between OOP, Dan, and their parents, but OOP sees the biggest improvement in the kids' behavior. SIL looks down on Dan for moving into the camper and OOP suspects she egged his truck on Halloween, but whoever did it was bundled up in sweats.

=====

New Update

June 25, 2024

To start this off. I came back after all this time to find 500 messages in my inbox, and 130 unanswered PMs. Please don't PM me anymore. There's just too many to answer. So if you PM'd me and I clicked Ignore, I'm sorry. Just know that's why. It was not personal. I just felt too overwhelmed to reply to so many. But that's not what brought me back to Reddit. I'd decided to stay away at least a year because my posts were not exactly boosting family morale. So I didn't log in for quite some time.

But then the other day my brother Dan spotted a video with an unbelievably similar to mine in far too many ways. Only it was about an OP with a twin sister instead of a SIL. But it had so much of the same. Entitled narcissistic parents, Guy treated like shit all his life and then rendered homeless, golden child sibling, keeping the favoritism a closely guarded secret from family while the OP was growing up, sister still in her twenties has three kids and was pregnant with a fourth, sister's eldest son attacks OP, and above all them trying to steal the OP's house by breaking in while he wasn't home. So many parts were nearly identical. Even two lines like "Suck it up" and "My house is not up for grabs" were in the video.

My parents and brother are frankly pissed, and I wasn't happy seeing the video either. We've all been trying hard to get past our previous family dynamic and what Ex-SIL put us all through. You can imagine it took a lot for me to let go of my grudges. But in a year my parents and Dan have improved more than I'd seen in my entire life before that. And I love me niblings to pieces. So whoever wrote that copycat story, congratulations, you just sent my entire family right back into needing therapy.

And yes, my family is aware I'm making this post. Now with that rant over, here's what I hope to be my final update.

Now for what was stated in the title. I had a few nay-sayers before. But Dan kept his word. My camper was returned to me a few months ago, and in good condition. Dan took good care of it, and thoroughly cleaned it before giving it back. He and our father also resealed the roof on it once while it was in their care. Inside it's no worse for wear than it was when I was living in it. Only I got it back smelling like pine cleaner.

There was some minor drama while Dan was living in my camper from a neighbor right behind them. Not quite sure she qualifies as a Karen. But she was close enough. She started yelling at them from over the fence about the camper. And started threatening police. My brother and father went off on her, and then explained Dan was living in the camper so his son could have his bedroom. Well the neighbor still wasn't happy, but stopped with the threats. My father talked to her husband later though, and he was bull mad at her. Then he apologized on her behalf, and said Dan was doing a good thing by giving up his room to his son. The neighbor husband also congratulated Dan on kicking out Ex-SIL, and said he was always afraid to mention before. But she was just a horrid woman. We can all agree on that now. So yeah, the neighbors aren't a problem anymore.

Dan and our father managed to get some money together on the side, and bought a slightly bigger camper to set up in our parents' back yard. We needed my truck just to move it. But we got it in there. It's basically the best Dan can do right now till the credit debts his ex piled up are paid off. And even then, he's got the future of his kids to plan for. He may be living in that camper for the next ten years. But it's preferable to how it was when he was married. His ex wife certainly can't and won't be contributing to college funds for the kids. Except maybe for her affair baby.

Dan's camper is admittedly better than mine, and it's newer, bigger, and has it's own bathroom. Mine does not. Although Dan never really uses said bathroom. It's basically become a closet since the toilet and shower are so tiny. If he needs to take a leak or something, he just goes in the house. Dan and I had a joking laugh about me being jealous he's got the better hobo-house. And we bantered like sarcastic gentlemen about it. He's kitted out his camper with some better amenities. Like a flat screen TV complete with streaming, video games, and DVD. He said it feels like he really has his own place now, even though he's just in the back yard. And he's much happier now that he's divorced.

Dan tells me one day he'll get a truck too, just so he can move the camper on his own someday. But for now he's sticking with his minivan for the sake of his kids. So his camper is sitting pretty where it is, and mine is back in my back yard where it belongs. Though it's not gone unused. I temporarily rented it to a cousin who moved into the area for work. And they were only in the camper about a month before finding their own apartment. Other than that, it serves as a guest house when needed. Relatives come by to use it when in town so as to not need a motel. My nephew has come over to stay in it a few times for fun as well. His sisters don't really have an interest. The camper the closest he's ever been to camping. Same here sadly, because I didn't buy that camper to camp, but to live.

As for my parents. They've gotten therapy. My mother got medicated for her mental problems, and fully acknowledges her terrible past mistakes as a parent with all of the favoritism, as does my father. My father is still awkward around me. But he's been fairly active in his church, and is working hard to rebuild the family reputation as best he can. And Dan has cut back on drinking a lot since he isn't so stressed out anymore. He's even taken up exercising. He's in pretty good shape now. And he told me his ex-wife saw the picture of him he posted online after shedding 20 pounds and called him to compliment. He didn't take the bait.

As for the holidays, my parents, brother and niblings all came to my Christmas Eve party last year, along with most of the other relatives who came the year prior. No problems at all, save for the fact none of them could stay the night in my spare rooms anymore since I rented them out. Both of my tenants were away seeing their own families too. Things went swimmingly. Not only was Ex-SIL not invited, she wouldn't have been able to crash the party anyway because of my restraining order against her. But she also barely made any attempt to spend time with her other kids either. She only bothered to see them twice a month at best. She didn't even send them any gifts for Christmas or birthdays since being outed as a cheater. And the kids were initially pretty upset about that. But now they just don't care.

Ex-SIL I guess decided she was gonna try to live like she was single again, despite having a baby at home. And it didn't go well because life gave her one hell of a cheese slap. On New Years, Ex-SIL went out late to party like it was 1999. And she got pulled over by a cop on her way home. She got arrested for DUI, and her car was impounded. She called Dan while being arrested begging him to come get her car to keep it from going to impound. He told her he was not helping her, and she could deal with it herself. Dan has drank and drove, so it was kinda a little hypocritical. But this woman put him through so much, I don't blame him for rebuffing her.

Some flying monkey of Ex-SIL's called Dan to berate about him being a terrible person. Pretty sure this was the same woman who called me a while back. Dan had none of her shit, and went off on her with a long tirade about his ex's cheating, what happened in the divorce, and that he has no sympathy for his ex since she left him with mounds of credit card debt and she does nothing for their kids anymore. The flying monkey didn't call back. We still don't know who she was. But Dan said she sounded like a religious nut.

Ex-SIL went to court, and she plead guilty for the DUI. Dan found this out because she called him claiming that because of the DUI, she wouldn't be seeing her other kids any time soon. She told him she was sentenced to take a six month DUI class, in which time her license is suspended until completion. And she won't be allowed to drink at all. Which is the part she was most upset about. I've heard of these classes before. They make you take regular and at times random urine tests, and when you finally get your license back, you have to have a camera and breathalyzer installed in your car for a year. Also increased insurance rates for the DUI on record. Ex-SIL has not been having a fun time. But I have no pity for her. I don't drink and drive.

Sadly that's all the info I have on Ex-SIL, as she's kept minimal contact with Dan for some time now. And eventually she'll probably stop contacting him all together unless absolutely necessary. I don't know anything else about SIL's parents, or her affair baby. Even Dan doesn't know. But I do still have a bit of info on someone else. Remember Ex-SIL's affair partner, the bronze tongued lout? Well he made his social media public again. And he doesn't seem to acknowledge the existence of Ex-SIL or his child at all. Dan tried to message him, and promptly got an immediate block. So the guy is just being an ass and acting like his shit don't stink. Whatever. His knocking up Ex-SIL got her out of the family anyway. So in a way, we're all thankful to that AP bastard.

That's everything I have. And hopefully won't need to come back again. Unless my truck gets egged again next Halloween.

Relevant Comments:

:

I've silently followed your stories from the start. I'm happy to see how things have progressed since. While I know its a long road until things are fully repaired, if ever, I am glad your parents have acknowledged what they did and are actively trying to fix it, Dan has stepped up and now you two can even banter, and the fact the kids enjoy you is wonderful.

Honestly, I'm happiest to hear about your bond with the nibblings. The fact that your nephew wants to come over to their uncle's house to "camp" is just wonderful.

I hope ex-SIL either wakes the hell up and shapes up for the kids, or she stays the hell away.

Anyways, hopefully, the future is less drama and more happy times!

Hopefully, I will not see a post from you again. And I mean that with the best of intentions.

:

This is as wholesome an ending as it can get. It’s good to see a family dynamic being repaired; kudos to your parents for doing the necessary work to realize how much damage they caused and to your brother for getting his life back on track.

:

I’m sorry your “drama saga” ended up being copied for “entertainment.”

However, I am glad that things are improving for you, your parents, your brother, and your niblings. It sounds like the toxicity was your ex-SIL and it shows because with her gone life has gotten better for the rest of you. I feel sorry for all of the kids, but they might be better off in the future without her.

Thank you for this (hopefully, final) update!

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and his user account

Concluded as per OOP

Content warning - murder, PTSD, abusive behaviour, domestic violence

2 updates - Long

- 14th October 2021

- 15th October 2021

- 16th June 2024

AITA for yelling at and ignoring my girlfriend over a prank?

Not enough info I’ve (22M) been with Nicole (25F) for a couple years now and she’s always liked survival stuff and weaponry and all that. I absolutely don’t. Really, really bad experiences with knives when I was younger, and Nicole knows about them. We both love Halloween and usually throw a party and dress up and goof around, cook up pumpkin seeds and watch movies.

Anyway the point is Nicole loves doing tricks with her knives (like five finger fillet, flicking it open and closed, twirling it etc) and she’ll do it when we’re watching a show or movie together - forgetting that I’ve asked her please not to. Or she’ll buy a new one and show it off, asking if I wanted to give it first bite(??) and pout when I say no. Two days ago she was playing with it again and I asked her why she keeps forgetting and she said “wow okay don’t insult my intelligence again” and then that it was just a knife and therefore not a big deal and therefore not that important to remember. After that, she put away the knife and we continued to have an okay night, but I was on edge and jumpy whenever she touched me.

Yesterday she called me into the kitchen. Only she was playing five finger filet... and I startled her and she “messed up”. Badly. I lost my cool. Screamed my head off, tried shouting what I knew about first aid at her while I raced to grab my phone, complete panic, dialing 911, only for her start laughing and show me that it was a “prank” involving red food dye and a carrot.

She had a nice laugh about how I would have known it was a joke if I wasn’t so squeamish about knives, that it’s proof I need to get more comfortable, that anyone with passing knowledge knows that it doesn’t look like that when something like that happens. She kept explaining how she did it, how she practiced, how she could show me, but I didn’t even answer her, it was like my head was underwater and my heart was beating out of my chest. Just moved on autopilot and grabbed my keys and drove a few blocks away before pulling over to breath. Nicole tried to call me and the first thing I said was “it wasn’t funny at all”, and she asked “are you crying?” Then I hung up on her.

She kept texting me, saying she was sorry, that she didn’t think I’d react so badly to a joke, that it was just meant to be good fun in the Halloween spirit. I ignored her. I texted her after that I was home but ignored everything else. This morning she sent the picture of the props to the group chat with a few of our mutual friends, and they chimed in saying “It doesn’t even look real”. I’ve muted the chat since and I’m wondering if I have a leg to stand on before I go back and apologize.

Edit 10/15 5:30pm Further update here

It’s... overwhelming how much of a response this got, and I tried to read all of your comments. Some of them made me laugh, some warmed my heart, others had very hard truths that I still needed to hear, no matter how raw it left me.

There are a lot of repeating questions and assumptions.

First: we don’t live together. At this point I don’t think we ever will.

Second: I stayed primarily because the good seemed to outweigh the bad. You remember the negatives more than the positive, so obviously I just had to remember her positive qualities instead of being swayed by my focus on the bad times. Plus it was always almost perfect after we had a fight, and I just assumed the boom and bust cycle was normal.

I didn’t know Nicole liked knives at first. A mutual friend (“Crystal”, who was in the group chat, and I met Crystal during a community college course) introduced us as I was new to the area and at first Nicole and I hit it off as we had a lot of shared interests - music, art, outdoors activity, going antiquing, wine, food and cooking... just a lot of things. We started dating and eventually went on a camping and hiking trip, where she used a knife to split some kindling and she was pointing it toward herself. I remember telling her to watch out and she had me to relax because she did it all the time, she asked me if I wanted to do it myself and I admitted I didn’t like knives. Later in the trip we drank by the fire and talked and that’s when I told her about my trauma. She promised to protect me and I remember that exactly because I had the mental image of her fending off a mugger and I joked that she was “my hero”. (My trauma has been brought up after that point, and neither of us were drunk at the time)

My knife issues typically don’t impact my daily life except to make me more apt to be very slow in the kitchen when chopping things.

It doesn’t seem like abuse, especially when we’re good. When it’s bad, it’s really rough. I don’t have really any other baseline as I was a late bloomer dating wise. My dad always said that you should both give 110% in a relationship but everyone argues. I thought working through the rough patches was normal. That’s also why I was preparing to apologize: because it takes two in an argument so I am responsible as well and need to apologize for my part. In this case, ruining the night with my reaction.

I did go through therapy to help cope with the initial incident surrounding my aversion to knives. I was a lot worse when it happened - to the extent where I couldn’t have anyone point the knife in the direction of another living being, or certain songs on the radio that were playing at the time, or certain smells. I’ve made progress, but clearly not enough to stay with her and deal with her fidgeting with the knives. (I will admit to backsliding a bit in that I seem a lot more anxious when I stay the night and can’t stay asleep, or having more nightmares, which is why I believed her when she said I was overreacting)

Also concerning the fidgeting, it’s not a constant thing. Sometimes she’d go weeks without pulling the knife out. Sometimes she’d complain that I only focus on the fact she had used the knife, versus how long she had abstained, which seems reasonable to point out.

Comments

0biterdicta

INFO: Why are you dating someone who repeatedly exposes you to something you're traumatized by and doesn't care how hurt you are by it?

LuvtheBees

It really sounds like OP and girlfriend are just not compatible. NTA

1890rafaella

She sounds like a nightmare and enjoys tormenting OP. Why is he still with her? That prank should be a deal breaker. It wasn’t a prank - it was a cruel act.

PouncingFox

She sounds awful. OP should ask her to explain the joke, and precisely why it was funny. Certainly doesn't deserve a relationship where he isn't respected and constantly demeaned. I feel awful for him

Vos-loves-Ventress15

"I had a horrible, disturbing prank played on me by the person I love. AITA?"

NTA OP. God, that wasn't a prank, that sounds terrifying.

Update - 1 day later

A lot of the conversation is paraphrased with quotes that stuck in my mind. I also kept adding to this as things developed and I’m running on zero sleep, so I’m sorry if it’s not very clear.

I did reach out to Nicole again yesterday to talk and I went with the intention of standing my ground and explaining things so she could understand my side. She greeted me with “thanks for gracing me with your presence” and asked if I was here to act my age and talk like an adult. She slammed the door behind me and pointed to the couch so we could discuss things. Nicole opened with my reaction was unreasonable and completely out of line considering the situation. I said that things need to change because that prank wasn’t okay at all and she knows I have issues with knife violence and I asked “what was funny about the prank?” She interrupted and said that ultimatums aren’t part of any relationship so I said “I don’t think this is working out for us, I don’t think we’re happy together.”

Nicole froze at first and I started to explain that the knife thing and our respective stances being so different is not fair to either of us. But she repeatedly asked “so you’re going to break up nearly three years just because of this?” I tried to tell her it was more than just this, it was everything else, it was that she keeps forgetting and triggering me, that she loves playing with them but it upsets me, but she started talking over me and yelling that apparently I think she’s an idiot and that I’m the best actor in the world because she never knew I felt so horrible, and that maybe I should call the cops on her for abuse. She grabbed her cellphone and offered it to me again and again, saying “go on, call” but when I said we just need to talk, she interrupted with “no you won’t because you know, I know, we both know, no cop is going to arrest me for a joke”. Also I’m not very tall- 5’9 and she’s only 5’6 but she was standing right in front of me while I was seated, so I couldn’t get up without moving her.

After throwing her phone on the couch next to me, she stormed into the kitchen shouting that she should get rid of all her knives because I’m so terrified. She threw a few into the sink and then the whole block of knives into the trash, the whole time asking “what about this one? Too sharp? Too scary?”

When I flinched at the noises she said “oh do you feel threatened? How do you think I feel when I have to defend myself against your feelings?!” Nicole told me to quit crying, that I can’t just use tears to manipulate her, and mocked me when I said “please stop”. She said she has to walk on eggshells because she has to deal with a boyfriend that can’t handle a single joke without running off into the night. “It’s not hard to not overreact - literally just think before you go crazy, it’s that simple” and that it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t handle a knife or a gun and I refuse to let go of my victimhood because “anyone normal would have gotten over it by now, it’s been nearly 9 years!”

She called me stubborn and childish for picking this hill to die on, that I’m not innocent, it’s not fair that I’m allowed to ignore her for hours but she can’t have a little fun, and is my ego really that big? It’s sickening that I don’t trust her or think she’s smart or skilled enough to handle a knife properly and it’s sexist, infantilizing and insulting.

At some point I said I think I need to go home and it was like a switch, and she said “Please stop crying, I hate when you cry”, joked (I think, because she laughed?) “I guess hibachi dates are off the table, huh?” and “I should probably take the knives out of the trash now, shouldn’t I?”

She apologized and said since it means so much to me she’ll put in more effort. She admitted that I’m such a sensitive guy that if she stopped doing everything that made me uncomfortable she wouldn’t be able to do anything. She pointed out that I cried watching My Girl the other day as proof that I’m overly emotional and it made sense that she thought I was just being my normal self, but she was sorry for not realizing sooner it was really upsetting me. She promised she would do her best not to bring the knives out when I’m around.

Nicole hugged me and told me to “let go, we can get through this, there’s nothing we can’t get over”, and asked for a chance to start over, fresh start tomorrow, no more jokes. It’s stupid but I just said yes. I wanted to go home, get out of her house and leave while she was still acting nice, and I didn’t hold my ground. I feel like an idiot and a coward. I got home and puked and couldn’t get to sleep again.

Today Nicole came and dropped off lunch and coffee for me, gave me a kiss and said she loved me, and all the old ladies in the office were gushing about how cute we are together. I’m going to reach out to one of the guys I’m closer to and the friend who set us up to find out when Nicole got so into knives. (Because I remember about 7-8 months in it was shortly after the camping trip and it was Nicole’s birthday that she asked for a specific knife as her present, so at least then, but I can’t really remember there being anything major before then). I’m going to break up officially with her tomorrow with one of the guys if possible, so I can get my stuff from her place.

Comments

robindastore

op that is a completely unstable reaction, also her toxic masculinity is over the top and you do not deserve to be treated that way. im so sorry she scared you like that and that she thought it was okay and you just "over reacted". You did not overreact, your feelings and trauma associated with them are completely valid, and she sounds like a hateful, unkind person. please do not go back to her unless someone else is there with you, and stay safe. sending you hugs, you got this tomorrow you are a strong person

Update - 3 years later

There's previous information in my profile concerning a post I made on AITA a few years ago. I came to Reddit about my girlfriend and her knife prank. It's been a long while since, and I was uncertain if I could update here or there or wherever.

Roll this back over a decade ago for more background. When I was a preteen we experienced a home invasion that resulted in my mother and dog dying and left me with a lifelong phobia of knives and anxiety surrounding blood and break-ins. Directly following the break-in, I was unable to handle a knife being pointed at another living creature. My brain caught on to stupid things and connected them to the events and made them into triggers. Mom's perfume. The sound of glass shattering or a door banging open. A song that was playing at the time. Even now I still hate the song but at least it doesn't trigger a flashback anymore. Blood on beige carpet featured prominently in my nightmares.

I worked extensively with a therapist to process what happened and what I'd seen. Recovery took years of therapy, weeks of inpatient care, medication to help with the nightmares, PTSD, depression and anxiety. We sold the house as soon as we could. I moved out of state as soon as I could. I kept up with therapy and continued to take my medication. My aversion to knives became something minor in how it impacted my life. I was careful in the kitchen and I certainly didn't search out knife throwing competitions, but it was under control in my normal daily life.

It helped that everything seemed to be coming together. I made new friends, I was balancing work and school, I'd just met the girl who'd become my first long term adult girlfriend. I know now it was just the honeymoon phase but it felt like we were progressing well even once infatuation wore off. We stood together through highs and lows and the mediocre middle ground where there's nothing exciting, just the mundane. I thought that was the marker of a steady relationship, to be able to stick together even after the excitement of a new relationship has faded.

We went on a few trips together, driving across state lines to meet her family or flying back to see my dad. On one of our trips we went camping and my fear of knives got brought up. That lead to the break-in getting brought up. She seemed to care at the time, even promising to protect me if something ever happened and offering to help install a camera in my apartment.

After the camping trip, I don't know if it was always there and I noticed it more after or what, but she started to be more obviously into knives. Practicing tricks in front of me, showing videos to me, starting a collection. She even asked for a knife for her birthday that year, showing me exactly which one she wanted. Before, she was into camping, into guns (which ironically I have zero issue with) and how to forage, make shelter, purify water, basic survival stuff, and artillery and tanks. She did multiple courses about military history in college and busted out the textbooks sometimes if she remembered something she thought I would find interesting. But suddenly it seemed like her focus was on carving and skinning animals, on knife wounds and tricks and collecting and displaying knives.

She started doing the tricks more often, in front of me, even when sitting next to me on the couch or at the dinner table. She would gesture with the knife "without thinking" and even point it at me- again, one of my major triggers being knives pointed at people or animals. She started sending me videos of news clips of other break ins, or news reports of robberies ending in murder, between a bunch of other funny videos or pictures, so checking snapchat became a game of Russian roulette. If I didn't check the links sent through text, she'd keep sending them and ask what I thought. She'd forget she had the knife in hand when she came up to me, sometimes from behind. My nightmares came back. My anxiety got worse. No matter how often I reminded her to please stop playing with the knife in front of me, or at least not next to me, she would always forget after a little bit. Some part of me refuses to believe there's no way she risked bodily harm just to unnerve me.

It came to a head when she pulled a prank where she pretended to cut off a finger. We had a huge fight, our biggest one yet. I wish I'd acted differently and hadn't stormed out but I did. There is a lot about my time with Nicole I would do differently in hindsight.

I was so sure I'd just break up with her for good. I don't know why I didn't stay broken up with her. When I did at first, I did it alone because my friend Jack rolled his eyes and called me a p-ssy for wanting back up. So I did it in a coffee shop instead, hoping the public eye could be my backup. Nicole stared at me with this affronted expression and it was like I couldn't find the words anymore. Her eyes were huge and wide and hateful. Like I've never seen anyone glare at me like that. She gripped onto the cup like she was going to throw it at me, I had it in my head to bolt the second she moved because I could see it so clearly. But then she started crying, loudly, and kept asking why I would do this to her and that she hoped I found happiness with someone better since she clearly wasn't enough for me despite doing everything to be a good girlfriend. I felt like shit and people were staring so I wished her well and asked if she wanted me to call a friend but she told me to leave her the fuck alone so I did. I hate how I handled the break up but it felt in the moment like autopilot.

In short order I lost the support of our mutual friends who had become my only friends during my relationship with Nicole, which I understand as they knew her for much longer. Jack actually confronted me and called me a piece of shit for embarrassing her like that in public, calling me trash for leaving her sobbing alone and not even offering her a ride home; he wouldn't listen to my explanations and said I could excuse myself but everyone now knew what kind of guy I really am. People at work mentioned how sad it was that we broke up. I didn't feel like it was the place to explain my reasoning and after the confrontation with Jack I didn't feel like I had a right to. I felt like crap, like a shit person, and I felt numb. I tried to move on, to find a new normal. After about a month of us being broken up, she called me and begged for me to come over to help her, she was scared she'd hurt herself.

I went to her immediately. I held her all night, helped her wash her hair after days of not being able to bring herself to. She admitted she'd done a horrible thing and that she couldn't stand how she'd treated me, that she wished she could go back and change so we could still be together. Didn't know how to address that, so I just stayed with her the whole night, and the next day at work she came by to drop off a homemade lunch and to thank me for being there for her.

I stupidly let myself get sucked back in. I get that it's my fault. Coffee in the morning became dinner and drinks out became movie nights and going to shows and flea markets together because we still had similar interests. One time she even noticed a booth with knives and directed us away, and while yes it wasn't necessary as I could see a knife display and not be freaked out, it was a nice gesture because before she would have gone there and either bought one herself or asked me to buy it for her, one of multiple changes that made me think maybe she was truly making an effort. That at the least maybe we could be friends again. I started to get invited back into the group somewhat.

Two months later she kissed me. We were both drunk and it didn't go any further. I didn't talk to her about it because I thought she didn't remember, but then she approached me to ask if there was any salvaging "Us", if she'd proven that she was different now and things would be better.

I thought maybe. I stayed, because she really had been so sweet, it was like starting over, and we got back together. I was permitted back into the friend group in full (though Crystal had stopped talking to everyone and Jack still refused to talk to me) and while it was awkward at first, soon enough we were acting like we'd never stopped being friends for even a minute. It felt so good to go back to normal, it was like a weight off my chest and like I could breathe again.

It was nice for a while. She was so careful about the knives thing and it really did feel so normal and steady. Sure we had small fights but we always made up shortly after and she'd be overwhelmingly loving after the fact. It felt like it was before, so it felt normal.

I can't pinpoint when it started to creep back but maybe when she started watching documentaries on her phone with the sound up high while sitting next to me, or when she'd poke or grab me while I was cutting up dinner then laugh at my startle response. Or she'd scoff if I teared up watching or reading something then tell me later that it was out of fondness not exasperation and I really needed to stop reading so much into it. Or she'd yell at me for forgetting something that she never even told me about and then the next day she'd get frustrated that I didn't "insist properly" that she was mistaken. Like it was all small things that on their own weren't even that big of a deal and I didn't feel like I could just speak up about it or else I was nitpicking her.

In hindsight I was making excuses and clinging to when she was nice to me, trying to do anything to make sure we just stayed happy and without bumps. Part of it was that I knew now that I'd be alone, that no one would understand why I'd throw away a good relationship, that being with her was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

We moved in together four months after our getting back together. She was hinting around that it was the only way to prove to her that I'd forgiven her and that way we could move on and be happy. She insisted I move into her place because it was easier to move an apartment into a house than the other way around. It constantly felt like she was dangling that night where she was suicidal over me, like one wrong move from me and maybe the next time she wouldn't call for help. When we had fights, she paced through the house flicking a knife, looping from the bedroom to the living room to the office, or said every single argument was really due to the fact I was holding a grudge over the prank and that we wouldn't be arguing if I just "grew up" and stopped taking out my trauma on her. She'd tell me not to piss her off because it would be too easy for her to "make a mistake" and no one would think twice about what happened. A few times she'd gone on a rampage and overturned tables and threw glasses into the sink and dishwasher and said we were done for good— only for the next day to blow up my phone begging me to talk this out or have her friends encourage me to swallow my pride and go back to her because she's miserable without me and she's trying so hard, or she'd just wake me with a kiss after making me sleep on the couch as if the night before never happened. If I asked about the night before, the fight would start all over yet this time it'd be my fault because she was trying to move on but I was holding a grudge.

The following nearly ten months were the most terrifying, anxiety riddled period of my life, and I only had myself to blame. Coming home from work I puked my guts out more than a few times on the way just because I didn't want to go back to her. I felt trapped. She threw away the blanket my mother had knitted me for my crib because it was "dirty". It wasn't dirty, it was a knit blanket that had been repaired repeatedly and hand washed frequently; so she'd "accidentally" put it through the wash and destroyed it, then bought a completely different throw blanket as a replacement and got mad when I didn't consider the matter resolved. She pulled another prank, this time with a fake positive pregnancy test, and berated me for not being overjoyed because I immediately started panicking about the cost, bringing up a child in our dysfunction, and handling the stress, rather than being excited. I feel like she wanted me to be happy so that she could crush my joy, and so was angry that I didn't play to her expectation. That night she threatened me with the knife, pointing it at me and saying she should just snip me right then since I didn't want to have kids with her, and then held me as I sobbed because I went into a panic. I didn't want her touching me, but I didn't know what else to do but let her and to apologize to her. Another time she put the knife to her own throat during a fight and said I clearly want her to kill herself and didn't stop until I screamed at her begging her to stop. Sometimes when driving she'd start speeding and swerving, or closing her eyes while on the highway, and saying my fear meant I didn't trust her.

Nicole just kept getting worse by the day. I remember waking up one morning with a moment of clarity. I knew she'd eventually kill me, I was sleeping next to my murderer. It still wasn't enough to push me away. Escaping her orbit seemed like too much, more than I could handle. Everything I had in me was focused on just surviving day to day. I never knew if she'd break up with me on a whim or pick a fight or be constantly pushing me closer to a panic attack all night or if she'd flip and be so sweet and caring. I felt like every day was Russian roulette hour to hour, every word I said or action I did or didn't do a chance to start a raging fight.

She'd tossed out my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication one night and then during the resulting argument she made a big show of forgiving me for raising my voice (I shouldn't have done that, I have no excuse) and then helping me call in an emergency refill. For weeks after, because I said I wanted to break up during the argument, she would ask if I was going to "try to run away" every time that something went wrong. Takeout order wrong? I spilled a cup of water? Streaming service not working immediately? "Oh don't get your panties in a twist and run off" and "do I have to worry about you leaving me over this mistake, too?"

Eventually that tapered off but maybe once a month during a fight she would tearfully go to our friends and ask them to mediate then during the meetings say that I kept threatening to leave her again over "nothing" and how scared she was of losing me when she "didn't know what set me off". More than a few times she showed me texts from them where her friends were saying how she deserved better and didn't need to put up with me, but she'd tell me "I don't listen to them because I love you anyway".

She'd slap me and push me during arguments. I could never do anything right, because even doing what she wanted without argument or not looking her in the eye could be enough to send her off the rails. Sometimes as a joke just in general one of our friends would pull out a little pack of tissues and hand it over to me "in case I'd run out" or make a production of hiding the butter knife at dinner under the napkin. It was humiliating but if I spoke up, suddenly I was oversensitive, an embarrassment, no fun, and I had to learn how to deal with adult friendships and jokes, and they'd ask her how she could stand it. As a result I didn't spend much time with them either. Usually Nicole would just go out with them and I'd stay home, which was the most relaxing I've ever felt during that time, except for when she started randomly coming home without any notice or timeline (like saying she'd be home at 6 but then not coming back til midnight or early morning, or saying she'd be gone until 10 and coming early back at 2 or 3) or randomly calling the house phone to make sure I was home and getting angry if she even thought I sounded breathless, accusing me of having left.

She started hinting around that marriage would be the logical next step and I was insulting her by not having proposed yet. Then she bought an engagement ring with my credit card and started showing off to all her friends how perfect "my" choice was. I didn't want to marry her. I felt bad for not wanting to marry her. I wanted us to be happy, and maybe giving her the wedding she wanted would help. I didn't want to marry her.

In all those months I never went to sleep feeling safe. I lied awake in bed hyper aware of how close she was and trying to go over in my head if I had behaved well enough to keep her happy and what I could do to prevent another explosion. In hindsight it's sickening how long I let this go on. In the moment it was just about all I could think to do. I often woke up with nightmares which would in turn piss her off and set her off in a mood for the next day but if I suggested sleeping separately she would rage about how I was calling her a shitty girlfriend/fiancee/etc. I started to keep a notebook at work and just writing shit down. Things she'd done or said, incidents and what I'd done to set her off. It helped me feel more sane, and also more like a fucking moron because I could read back on times she actually hurt me and I still hadn't left.

Every time I thought about leaving I felt sick inside. I'd lose every social contact I had. I would have to find a new place to live. I'd have to bar her from my workplace but they can't do anything without a restraining order and that itself felt like a hurdle too. I dropped all my old friends in favor of her and felt like they'd refuse to even talk to me again. I was the idiot that let her back into my life and rekindled the relationship, despite overwhelming feedback. I was stupid enough to deserve every bit of what was happening, and too dumb to deserve to escape after wasting my previous chances. I hated myself and had frequent fantasies of just ending it all.

The worst part wasn't the anxiety and terror though. It was when she was sweet and caring. For example she always went all out for my birthday or anniversaries or Christmas, with thoughtful gifts, except for the year where she kicked me out for the evening after throwing some decorations at the wall because they stopped working (for which she blamed me because I put them up). She was sweet and gentle one day, or even for a week or two, only to slowly start ramping up the tension until she exploded yet again. She had an uncanny ability to blame me in ways that made me feel responsible for her emotions and for forcing her to react violently.

When we drove out to visit my dad for Easter things started to change. Dad was concerned about how quiet I'd become and that I hadn't come for Thanksgiving or Christmas or even called on NYE like I used to. That I looked tired, unhappy and thin. Nicole was on her best behavior the whole time and even left her knives in the car, even tried to get everyone to focus on the engagement ring, but Dad still saw something was wrong. For three weeks after he kept trying to contact me, but she wouldn't let me talk without her in the room and she checked my phone anytime she left me alone and checked the records online to see if I had deleted any calls. Eventually I managed to get a burner phone and hid it at work, which allowed me to talk to my dad freely.

He flew over with my uncle and they helped me gather my stuff from her house. When Nicole started sobbing and begging me to stay, my uncle kept her from the kitchen knives and had his phone ready to call 911 if she tried to hurt herself or us. When Nicole started to insist I was taking her stuff too even though I was only taking things either I brought with me or I bought for me, I just let it go. She got to keep a few sentimental items of mine and the loss hurts still but the most important ones I was able to take, like I was able to get all my documentation and cards out of her house. I didn't even bother with the ring. It was just money and she was already acting up.

Uncle drove my car home while Dad had me fly with him. I'm ashamed to admit that the months directly following the breakup were almost worse than the time I spent with her, because I was out of survival mode and I couldn't force myself to function the way I used to. I felt like a parasite on my father, unable to get my shit together, falling apart over nothing, being so volatile it frightened me. I'm in therapy again. Sometimes I feel better, like I can see a way forward, but then I feel like I'm back in the thick of it and I'll never go back to normal and I'm permanently broken. Worse, every time I cry or get triggered or have a flashback, I can still hear her voice in my head calling me over emotional and too sensitive, that I'd be fine by now if I just got over myself, that what I went through wasn't that bad.

She sent mail to my dad's house for a while, threatening letters and pleas for me to see reason and stop overreacting, pictures of us that were sentimental, guilt trips. At first I couldn't get a restraining order right away against her because I moved, something about the jurisdictions and courts, but when she sent those letters it helped at least make sure she couldn't continue to contact me.

I found my old laptop a while ago and it had the password prepopulated. It wouldn't leave my mind, especially when I read what people were saying. Right now I'm just rambling to get my head straight, to be honest, but my dms were full of people saying how the sex must be amazing, how stupid guys get when they want to stick their dick in something, that I don't have balls or a backbone clearly and I just need to man up. Basically everything I told myself to remind me of what I did to deserve being stuck with her.

I don't know if I can muster the courage to address any responses to them but I really just want to tie up this lose end in my life so maybe I can stop rehashing it mentally and finally move on. I might also give my therapist the notebook I kept of Nicole's abuse but I haven't wanted to even look for it. There's still a box of shit that I haven't opened up because it's all fucked with my head so much. What I wish I knew at the start of all this shit was that any amount of genuine discomfort isn't an acceptable price in a relationship and you're allowed to stop giving them more chances even if they're trying and seem sorry. You're not obligated to help people change, even if you love them, even if they do slightly better.

Comments

Fish__Fingers

Glad you got out, OP. Wish you all the best and remember- it wasn’t and isn’t your fault. She used every trick she could. You survived and got out, that’s a lot. I think there are support groups. Maybe worth looking into it, talk with the people who had similar experiences. Hope you’ll find recourses and support you need for recovery and will live happy life from now on. Best of wishes to you

OOP: I appreciate that. It's hard to remember how to keep on sometimes, so thank you.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

With the overall goal of spreading their movement into the public and getting mainstream media attention, users over in and the now banned subreddit organized and planned marches all across Canada.

Moral among the subreddit remained high as the belief that they were gonna break through mainstream media and 'wake up Canada' remained a core determining factor in the incoming protests

, 434 upvotes

though users had to mention the potential elephant in the room

, 1.2k upvotes

People point out possible bad actors inside of their own movement that might join in the protests

: As a Canadian who is following this closely, but is living overseas in New Zealand, please people for the love all that is Canadian please follow OPs advice. This protest needs to be Canadian as fuck, polite, not blocking roads/pissing off drivers, non political (to attract people from all sides of the political sides), not racist(obviously), and pretty much just not being dicks. That way its clear this is a cross party issue and that there will be a much higher likelihood of being supported by everyday Canadians. The only time to be rude would be to people trying to coop the movement with Nazi/racist bullshit. Tell those people to gtfo out and carry on with the peaceful everyday Canadians who are pissed about this issue.

Another user replies:

To which another user says :

other than that days before the protests, users of the subreddit were determined

, 881 upvotes

Comment:

___

: It is out of control, it's about resources, and Canadians are suffering. The LMIA is a total scam and people openly talk about money changing hands, 20 thousand 30 thousand. I find it hard to believe that there aren't people in Canada for fast food restaurant jobs and they have to get workers from outside the country...come on. The problem is that no one is questioning it. The government is accepting and approving these applications, which are a pathway to PR. I am shocked how openly these arrangements are conducted. My 17 year old cannot find a summer job. Meanwhile, there is talk of a labor shortage. This is not about race. It's about resources.

In particular this comment mentions its not about race at the end, leading to a discussion

User1 replies:

User2 rebuttals User1: I

User3 chimes in:

After weeks in the making and a load of conversation about the effects that their protests could have on the political landscape

The day comes, July 1st, Canada day

One of the main organizers makes a post

In the post, he talks about the turnout of the protests in various cities, including Vancouver, Ottawa and Montreal. he mentions that Toronto and Vancouver had the best success while in Montreal, Ottowa and a couple of other cities was from small gatherings to nobody showed up.

He mentions that the focus needs to be put on the cities with the best success and outreaching to other generations such as gen Z "Surprising to me how younger people are way more active than millennials."

He also lambasts the subreddit for its lack of will for change. "If you want change then you need to take action. Quit expecting other people to carry the burden."

He goes further in the comments

: It’s crazy to me that you can have people out for Gaza, out for climate change, out for stopping oil, but inflation? Rent? Things that are having an immediate impact on your life right now? Nothing.

I wouldn’t call today a failure. It’s the first protest that we worked hard to set up in 2 weeks from scratch and my expectations were very low but…damn…why are Canadians so pathetic.

France riots when the first round of elections doesn’t go their way. Canadians happily hand over their hard earned dollars and will just whine on Reddit.

One person replies to OP:

Another one replies to OP:

Some users comment at the lack of turnout

Comment:

___

Comment:

User replies:

Some users try to explain the lack of turnout

___

Comment:

User reply:

A user with a troll flair(done by moderators) replies:

___

Comment:

It seems that some people attribute the low turnout due to TBC () due to its more hardcore elements, some users also point out its name begs the question,

OP replies to comment:

The topic of how much media attention they got started

Comment:

OP replies:

Though users did comment that they saw both previously mentioned medias at the toronto protests

Many users were devastated

Some users were elated

Bonus popcorn

Comment:

One user replies:

User with troll flair:

___

A comment that pre-protests would have been alot more contested

Comment:

OP replies:

___

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Thousands of Dollars wasted hosting a “friend”

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of drug use/drug abuse. Entitlement. Descriptions of gross behavior, financial exploitation

June 17, 2024

Originally posted on an alt but it got deleted because of lack of comment history. I wanted to hide comment history since it highlights country in question but idgaf anymore. NSFW just in case. Mentions drugs and sex.

My friend from high school has been down in the dumps for a while. It’s her third year of college and while her parents pay for all her school needs and a little more, her reluctance to get a part time job leaves her strapped for cash all the time. This culminated to her spending all three of her summer breaks in relative nothingness.

She’s taking a gap year to stall out her senior year and I offered to host her at my parent’s house in my home country. She was ecstatic. I told her to bring enough money to be comfortable but to not worry too much about food costs as my parents can foot the bill (my parents offered to do so). For some reason she thought that this meant we would be paying her ticket. Mind you, a ticket would’ve costed minimum $1100.

Chaos ensued just two weeks out from the designated time of her arrival but she managed to cough out a ticket, courtesy of her parents. We’re on the third week of her stay and it’s been hell. I never knew anyone could change so much in 5 college semesters. Because we were long distance friendship, I never saw her behavior in the flesh. Let me just highlight some of the utter audacity of this bitch:

• She’s been avoiding doing the laundry, stuffing all her dirty clothes underneath the bed. At first it was because she was too lazy to put her clothes in the hamper (my mom graciously do all our laundry, mostly because she’s into fitness and a busybody), then when it ended up piling up she got too embarrassed to admit it. I ended up doing the laundry for her. Her room is a mess from her nightly food binging and somehow she snuck alcohol bottles into the house. I’m well into my fourth gnat trap in her room because she can’t keep her shit clean enough to avoid an infestation.

• She FaceTimes her cousin or best friend or whatever in the middle of the night. Then when she inevitably misses on our agreed schedule the next morning because she’s too tired, she lies and tells me it’s because the mattress is too uncomfortable. I can literally hear you laughing in the other room.

• We went to a bar. She meets a local there and asks me to hang around the city while she dates him because “she didn’t want to be left alone.” I told her to eat ass because I never agreed to being ditched like this, but decided to stick around anyways because I still had things I wanted to do in the city. Come night time and I went to pick her up only to see that she changed her mind and went home with the guy she just met. Womp womp.

Later she tells me she lied to him, saying she moved here. He didn’t want a one night stand with a tourist, but an actual relationship. She just wanted free drinks and sex. She then mentions that she was getting frustrated because guys weren’t approaching her when she was a foreigner??? She’s literally the same race as the locals, except with a darker complexion. Think French vs Portuguese in comparison.

• She’s doing drugs. Like, the illegal ones. I don’t even know how she got her hands on those, probably from the guy she just met. She brought them home and tried to smoke out the window. The drugs are gone from the house at least, I used cleaning the room as an excuse to flush it out(not literally).

• Parents bought us event tickets that were approximately $70 each. She decided to go to a club instead and wouldn’t answer her phone when I was left blindsided. She agreed to go, but didn’t tell me she changed her mind. I lied to my parents because I didn’t have the heart to tell my mom only I went.

• She never tells us when she’s hangover or whatever. Only after my parents buy the food she decides she’s too wasted to eat.

• Parents asked her to be a bit more thorough with her scheduling because she kept cancelling plans and sleeping in. Her response was to call my parents nosy and told them to get off her back. Luckily they don’t speak her language and they didn’t bother asking me what she said. They know she’s being a bitch.

This isn’t even all the things she’s done so far. My parents have spent close to $3500 on her, ranging from food and luxury trips around the country. They were going to take us to get a full course meal ranging around $150 and a trip to another country, but cancelled everything because of her behavior. Now she’s asking me about these things that were supposedly “promised” to her and I just told her straight that she’s acting like a festering cockroach.

I think she knows our friendship is over. She came out of the room yesterday after a day long sabbath, pretending to have starved out of stress. She has snacks stashed in her room and when I peeked in to see wrappers on the floor, she slammed the door in my face so I couldn’t see the mess. She claims that she’s just depressed and didn’t realize my family had all these “eastern” rules that was too foreign for her comprehension. rules like no shoes in the house and well…. Not turning the room into a pigsty. We both literally grew up in the same western country so these rules being too eastern for us is new to me. This isn’t even considering her family is also from an eastern country.

She sat me down to tell me we need to communicate better on what I expect from her since we’re adults now but I don’t see why I need to “communicate” that she shouldn’t be putting half eaten ramen in the closet for two weeks??? Anyways, I told her she can do what wants to do for the last week, and I’ll stay out of her hair. She again asked me if we were going on that foreign country trip we initially planned for. I told her no, and she’s sulking in her room again. Oh noes.

Anyways, I have one more week with this…. parasite. Reddit please give me strength.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheRealRedParadox

Yeah burn that bridge and never speak to her again OP, I'm sorry her true colors came out that way

OOP

Thank you, she sounded so put together aside from her obvious financial issues when we were long distance… I thought she was genuinely just a bit depressed 😭 Known her since elementary school but this friendship is no longer salvageable.

OOP on why they put up with the friends behavior

Luckily and unfortunately we were long distance for the duration of college. So luckily I didn’t deal with any of her new behavioral issues because she never showed me any. I knew she did develop a liking for smoking but it wasn’t as if I never smoke a blunt.

Unfortunately for me all her issues came to light around the second week of the vacation. That was when I had to start intervening on her mess and she started to slip back into her partying habits. By the third week it went fully blown up and now my parents know. Parents aren’t letting me kick her out but they sure am letting her know she’s only welcome to stay for another week assuming she’ll stay relatively clean.

June 25, 2024

I wasn’t going to update or anything but I thought what happened two days ago warranted another post. NSFW just because the original post had it.

Summary of OG post: My family decided to host my friend in a foreign country, and proceeded to spend thousands of dollars on her. It all goes down the drain, culminating in canceling a trip abroad planned for her due to her drug and generally terrible guest habits.

This isn’t some coming of Christ or scorned lover (friend?) revenge update but I felt the need to vent. About 4 days ago I went on a camping trip with the family. My “friend” decided to sleep over at the her new not-so-one night stand’s house until she left the country, most likely because she no longer felt welcome in my house. I told her we won’t be home but I get a text message from her while camping saying she’s going back home and needed the passcode to the house. There was no way in hell I was going to let her in the house alone so I ignored her text. She blew up my phone shortly after, including calls that I can’t even pick up anyways because it’ll bill me international calls.

Judging from her sporadic text and calls, I can only surmise she got kicked out of her guy’s house. Unfortunately I only got her side of the story but I suspect she either got too hung up on his drugs and ignored him, or grossed him out with her living habits. Did I mention this girl left vomit trails in the bathtub? Why doesn’t she puke on the toilet?! It was either that or she revealed she doesn’t actually live here since she did trick him into thinking this isn’t going to be a summer fling.

I texted her back while coming back 2 days ago telling her I didn’t have reception, and she replies with a real short “ok.” We let her in some time in the evening because my parents are still willing to house her, and her way of showing gratitude is to give us the cold shoulder. She asks me to buy her dinner later because she’s broke after affording a day at a hotel. Mmkay. I just rolled my eyes and said no, she’s not my responsibility.

She comes out of her room later dressed like she forgot half her clothes in her room. I felt like I was in the twilight zone watching a 26 year old woman wearing booty shorts and a small tank top with little duckies and ribbons on it. I gave her a weird look and she tells me she’s going to ask my parents instead since they’re nice and she’s “cute.” I swear I fucking barfed then and there. I guess the reception wasn’t what she expected because my mom laughed at her the moment she saw and my dad gave her a look of absolute disgust. I guess she lost her nerve and didn’t bother asking. She just casually grabbed some water and walked back to her room. I don’t understand what her plan was, did the shock of getting dumped by her fling make her think she can seduce my parents? 😂

This whole thing was so stupid, she just wanted to eat expensive food considering you can eat a meal for less than 5 dollars in my country. She lives in some fantasy world where she’s entitled to things as long as she does some cliche main character stuff. She’s been quiet after that so I guess going through that mental trauma was worth it.

She just left the house several hours ago. Because she’s just been so out of her mind due to all the partying, she completely forgot it takes a good 1 to 2 hour trip to the airport and she left the house in tears because she’s late. She even had the gall to yell at me because I didn’t remind her or reserve a bus ticket and I told her she’s 26, not 12 years old. If she can’t figure out how long it takes to get to the airport ahead of time then she’s not mature enough to be doing drugs.

Lo and behold not only did she miss her flight, she lost her wallet at the airport in the chaos. She only bothered to tell me about this because she wanted me to book a hotel for her while she figures that all out. lol ok sure.

She’s out of my hair now and I’ll probably never talk to her again. It was so stressful in the beginning but towards the end I just didn’t care anymore. Thank you to those who commented on my OG post. You guys were real gems who kept me strong through the filth that is my leech. I didn’t reply to most but I did read through all of it. Have a nice day and remember to take the trash out before it wears lingerie and tries to seduce your parents.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Wide_Razzmatazz_8697

Your parents are saints

OOP

They truly are. But they’re also very low key people who hang out with other low key folks so I get the feeling they just found her antics really entertaining.

~

Maleficent_Can_4773

Wait.. 26 is old for short shorts and tank tops for lounging around the house? Well shit, I'm still doing that at 38! Unless the clothing was multiple sizes too small, in that case eww, weird, gross etc.

OOP

Hahaha not at all! I walk around my house in panties and tank tops in the dead of summer from time to time. Yeah the clothes were.. I don’t know how to describe it but like intentionally infantile? Like very childish and weirdly sexualized. She doesn’t normally dress like that, she usually dress in loose sheer tops with leggings or long pants.

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Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: mentions of domestic violence, manipulation, accusations of infidelity

: May 15, 2024

I want to be very sensitive when writing it here, but I have been dealing with unbearable guilt and wanted to know if what I am doing is wrong. I really do not want to trigger anyone, but I will be writing about a very sad situation.

I (33M) have been married to my wife (31F) for 6 years and we have a 3-year-old kid. We are very happy together and I am lucky to be married to a very kind and smart woman. My wife's best friend Ana (fake name for anonymity) has been living with us for the last 6 months.

I wanted to talk about Ana to give a full context of why I am making my decision. Ana is my wife's best friend since school days. Ana was living in the city with her boyfriend, and we live in the suburbs of that city. They seemed happy together and were in relationship for 2 years.

However, my wife noticed bruises on Ana's hand last year and asked her about it. Initially, Ana dismissed it as work related injuries. My wife kept on probing, and we learned that Ana was in an extremely toxic and abusive relationship. Her boyfriend lost his job last year and became extremely controlling and abusive towards her. He constantly accused her of cheating (Ana denies it), made her link her phone messenger to his computer and started micromanaging finances. There was an incident of domestic violence that was the final straw and my wife, and I had to rush to the hospital to look after Ana.

Since Ana's parents are mostly absent from her life, my wife asked me if Ana can stay with us for a few days. We are three people living in a 4-bedroom house and have two spare guest rooms. I of course agreed to it and told her that Ana can stay with us as long as she wants. I think the incident completely broke Ana and she would just start crying randomly and completely shut down. It was really sad to see Ana in that state. She had to leave her job due to mental issues and stayed at home in the room all day.

My wife is very kind and took care of Ana like she was family and made sure she felt loved. Ana is also thankful to my wife and I to help her in her worst time, and helps around the house and with our kid (though we never leave him alone with Ana). Ana, now is coming back to normal, smiles sometimes and has started looking for job again.

Now onto the incident. Last Friday, my wife and I went to work as normal and dropped our son at daycare. I had a doctor's appointment at noon and came straight home from there as I did not have a lot of work in office. I made some lunch, and then went to my room to sit in my bed and reply to all the emails. Ana was in her room, and I did not talk to her after I came home.

Around 2pm, I heard Ana's room door open and her walking in the hallway. Suddenly, our bedroom door opened, and Ana walked in topless and just in her underwear. I was shocked and not sure how long I was staring at her. But after a few seconds, I blurted out "I am sorry!", and she quickly covered herself with her hands. She was apologetic and started explaining herself. She said she just wanted to borrow my wife's clothes because her laundry was unwashed. It was super embarrassing to have conversation with her in that state and I looked away. She again apologized and then went out of the bedroom. The incident lasted less than 2 minutes.

After a while, she again came back into our bedroom (fully dressed) and apologized for the incident. She said it was really embarrassing and she did not know anyone will be home. I said it's ok and I should have told her I am back early from office when I came home. She asked me to not mention about the incident to my wife. She said she feels embarrassed she walked around the hallway without clothes and that I saw her in that state. I said it's ok and lets forget about it.

I have not told my wife about the incident and it's been 5 days. It was just a benign incident, but I somehow feel guilty about the whole thing. I feel more guilty that I am lying to my wife by omission of the truth. However, I feel that if my wife takes it the wrong way, it may strain her relationship with Ana, and I really feel bad for Ana what she had to go through. I also do not want to make Ana uncomfortable in our house by telling my wife about her barging into our bedroom in that state.

Am I the AH in this case for not talking about this incident to my wife. I am afraid that if Ana tells it to her first, it will make me look really bad and guilty. However, if I tell her, I do not want her to blame Ana for any of this and not help her in time of her need. Can someone please help me on how I can tell my wife about this?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was YTA and was advised to talk with his wife

Relevant Comments:

Multiple redditors advised OOP to talk with his wife and not keep it as a secret from her if the incident was really bothering him

OOP:

Thanks. This is really helpful.

May be I am overthinking this, but I have read that in these situations, the victim's trust in men is very fragile. Would it be horrible if I tell my wife after I told Ana I would not mention about this incident? Should I talk about this with Ana first?

Icy-Doctor23: 

YWBTA if you do not tell your wife. Never keep secrets as a team with your house guest against your wife!

Disastrous-Oven-4465: 

Ana needs to tell her PDQ. She also needs to stay out of your bedroom.

Do NOT keep the secret. That’s what will destroy your relationship.

I’ll try to give Ana a pass but some small part of me thinks she knows what she’s doing and asking you to keep it a secret is part of that.

Editor’s note: PDQ = pretty damn quick

 May 16, 2024

 that happened between my wife's best friend who is currently staying at our house. I was not sure how to bring it up to my wife and you guys really helped me a lot in understanding the urgency of telling my wife. I also got some cool ideas on how to bring up the subject without making it awkward for anyone. For everyone saying Ana was doing it on purpose, I did not agree with it as I am an extremely average looking person and woman don't chase me. However, things since last night have been just crazy and I think I am spiraling a bit. Sorry for the long post.

So, I decided to tell my wife last night as soon as she came home about the incident. I liked the idea of jokingly bringing up casually so that we both can laugh about it and then forget it. Last night, when my wife came home, I made sure I stayed in our bedroom. I asked Ana if she could stay with my kid downstairs.

As my wife was changing, I asked her if Ana still borrow her clothes. Ana had to borrow them regularly when she first moved (long story). My wife told me yes and she has told Ana she can take anything from her closet if she needs it. I asked my wife if Ana told her about the funny incident from Friday. My wife said no, and I told her the whole story about how I came home early, and Ana came in the room almost naked to get her clothes, and how embarrassing it was for both of us.

As my wife was listening to this, she completely froze and turned pale. She started murmuring in Spanish (which is her and Ana's native language). I don't understand Spanish really well, but I understood the words "hombre casado" and "orta vez". I asked her if she is ok, and she sat next to me and asked me to explain everything in detail. I just told her it was nothing and she must have not heard me coming in. I was trying to laugh it off, but my wife had water in her eyes. I kept on telling her it was not a big deal, but she kept on asking me for more details. She asked me how Ana talks to me. I told her that Ana barely talks to me since she moved in except few words here and there.

My wife then asked me about three weeks ago when my wife had gone to visit her parents for four days. Ana did not want to go with her and stayed back. I told her that Ana was just acting normal. She or I would cook dinner after I got home from work while the other took care of the kid. The only thing different was Ana generally spending her evening in her room. However, when I was sitting in the living room watching TV after the kids slept, Ana came and sat on the sofa next to me but did not talk to me. I asked her if she wants me to change the channel or stream something she likes, and she just said she wanted to get out of her room. However, she did not flirt with me or do anything unusual.

I kept on telling my wife that it was just an accident, and I really did not understand why she reacted so emotionally to it. My wife refused to answer and just said ok and agreed with me. However, she told me I should have told her about the incident sooner and should not keep any secrets from her and gave me a big lecture. I told her that I did not think it was a big deal and thought Ana would tell her, but glad I brought it up.

After dinner, my wife messaged Ana to join us, and she came out. While talking, my wife brought up the incident and told Ana that I mentioned about the incident, and she does not need to feel embarrassed. Such things happen when we are all in the same house and is not a big deal. Ana was firstly taken by surprise, but then told my wife she was just scared to tell her because she thought my wife would judge her because of her past. My wife gave her a stare, and she quickly changed the topic.

At night, I asked my wife what the hell was going on. I told her to please not keep any secrets from me, and if she does not tell me, I will directly ask Ana about what her past has got to do with anything. My first guess was Ana might have had a thing for me before we got married or something. But my wife was very reluctant to answer and kept on trying to change the subject and cuddle. However, I kept being persistent, and she finally spilled the beans.

Apparently, when Ana was in her early 20s, she was in relationship with a married coworker who was twice her age. It was a kind of sugar daddy relationship, and he told her that he was in an open relationship (or that's what Ana told my wife) and he would leave his wife in few years once the kids go to college. This makes sense now, because Ana is very pretty (like Miss USA level), and I never understood why she was single for most of the time I knew her. She eventually ended that relationship and started dating her boyfriend Jim, who turned out to be an abusive asshole.

My wife said she suspects Ana was still involved with the older guy while in relationship with Jim, which explains why he kept on accusing her of cheating. That is why my wife became emotional when I told her what Ana did because she was worried Ana has no boundaries regarding married men. My wife said that Ana always looks up to us and praises me for being such a loyal partner and how lucky my wife is.

My wife was a worried initially when she brought Ana home, but her actions from the time when my wife was away clearly show that she respects the boundaries, and it must have been an accident. My wife told me she is grateful I let Ana live in our house and observe what a healthy and happy marriage looks like.

Today morning was even more weird. I got up early as I could not sleep well and went down for a cup of coffee. After 5 minutes Ana walked into the kitchen and told me she was relieved my wife did not overreact to Friday incident. She said I am a good husband and gave me a hug and peck on the cheeks. She has never hugged me in the last 6 months. She seemed to be in a happy mood and was making small talk with me while having coffee.

I cannot believe my wife did not tell me such a huge detail about Ana for all these years. It's completely possible she cheated all through the relationship with Jim, and my wife is just covering for her all along. She even kept it a secret from me (after giving me a lecture about how we should never have secrets), and I don't know what else she is hiding. Everything just seems very confusing at this point. I feel angry at my wife for lying to me all these years for Ana. I also now see Ana differently. I am also worried that me trivializing the incident to my wife might have sent wrong signals to Ana.

Relevant Comments:

Tundra-Queen8812: 

Ana needs to go before her own messed up issues lead her to further mess with your marriage. She was testing OP again with the hug and kiss on the cheek and I didn't see OP writing that he told his wife about that new development. She's gotta go before she pushes to the next level.

OOP:

Yes. I am also a bit mad at myself for trying to casually describe the event as some of the redditors advised and not talk about the fact that she was in the room for a lot longer. I was worried that my wife would be pissed at me. Now I wish I told her all the details and did not make it sound trivial. My wife now trusts Ana and I am getting more uncomfortable.

Multiple redditors urger OOP to tell his wife about the hug and kiss

  OOP:

I agree with the hug and kiss part here. It is not uncommon for my wife's friends to kiss me on the cheek when they meet me. I am not from that culture, and initially used to make me uncomfortable. But, something about today morning with Ana waking up so early, coming down in her bed clothes and sitting with me rubbed me the wrong way. I am not able to point out exactly what, but she was acting differently (for a lack of better word, she looked happy for the first time since she moved into our place).

I have not told my wife yet. Things were a bit icy between us since yesterday as I am still upset at her for keeping secrets from me for all these years. I know its Ana's personal life, but I feel a bit betrayed that for all these years, she knew Ana was with a married man and never even mentioned it to me. We had a talk in the evening, and she apologized, but then we both dropped the subject and took our son to the playground as the weather was finally nice and had an amazing time.

However, I plan to tell her as soon as we both are alone at night. As I said in the comments, I do not think she will mind since it's not uncommon for her friends to give a quick peck on cheeks when saying hello. Infact, I was not comfortable with it at the start, and now am used to it. Her mom, cousins, friends, everyone kisses me. There are also weird rules, where married women like my wife just hug, but non-married friends give a kiss (unless you family). Also, only girls give a kiss, but men don't kiss girls on cheeks (I learned that the hard way). I am not Latino (Columbian to be exact) and may be someone who is familiar can explain the rules here so people who don't know the tradition won't misinterpret it as anything sexual.

Also, I never keep anything from my wife, and hence I felt so guilty about my actions over the last week. I am sure I will mention it to her before the end of the day.

June 25, 2024

I wrote a few posts a month ago regarding my wife's friend Ana accidently walking into our bedroom topless to get my wife's clothes while I was in the room. We addressed the issue the next day, but I learned more about Ana's past and why my wife was uncomfortable due to the situation. My wife and I talked to Ana and told her it was not a big deal and we all decided to move on from the incident.

After I posted the update, lot of you advised me to tell my wife about Ana hugging and kissing me (on the cheek) the following morning. I felt uncomfortable with the situation and the comments really made me nervous. Most of you were reading my post as a telenovela or a start of a porn movie and the comments were really not helping calm me down. You may not like this part, but I just decided to get off Reddit for a while and try to think through the situation on how to tell my wife. I felt that my wife treats Ana as family and just like her sisters. I have known my wife's sisters since they were in their early teens. I have had similar incidents happen with them all the time, and I never made a big deal out of it. There were so many times we had to tell them to keep their tops on when sitting in our backyard pool area when they were younger, and God knows how allergic they are to wearing pants around the house. However, I just treat them as they are my sisters. I decided I need to do the same with Ana and treat her like my wife's sisters. I also wanted to communicate that clearly to both Ana and my wife so they we don't get in such uncomfortable situations anymore.

That night, I was talking to my wife and decided to put a positive spin on the incident that happened early morning. I asked my wife if she noticed anything different with Ana. I told her that she woke up early with me today and greeted me with a hug and kiss and also helped me make breakfast. I told her that I am glad she finally looks happy and is returning back to her old self and how proud I am of my wife that she is such a kind-hearted person who helped a friend in need. My wife seemed happy with my comment and started saying that she also noticed Ana was chattier in the morning and was cleaning her room and talking about applying for jobs again. I told my wife that I feel Ana is like one of her sisters and I am happy she also considers us as family and is comfortable around us.

The next few weeks were great. Ana started waking up early in the morning around the time I woke up (5am). We always had coffee together and had nice chats. She also helped me with breakfast and getting lunch boxes ready. She asked me if she can join my gym and if I can teach her some resistance training exercises. Her therapist told her it would be good for her to workout. So, we started going to gym 3-4 times a week in the evening before picking my son from daycare. It's nice to have a regular gym partner and someone to geek out about the daily protein intake. I also told her when we were cooking that she is so much less annoying than my SILs and I wish she was my SIL. She just smiled at the comment.

Ana has already had a few interviews and also contacted her old job who seem interested in hiring her back. She told us two weeks ago that she will be looking for apartments. We already saw two apartments in our suburb and hopefully should finalize that soon. My wife jokingly told her that her dating prospects are going to be bleak if she stays in our suburb, but Ana told us that she is going to stay away from relationships at least for a while now and work on herself. Plus, she enjoys our gym and loves spending time with our son.

About the hugging and kissing, I think I have decoded it. A hug from Ana is normal and I get one every morning. However, I think she kisses people on cheeks as a way to say thank you. Things are really looking positive for Ana and we are very happy that she was able to get thru a bad patch in her life. She had isolated herself from everyone after the incident seven months ago. However, she plans to join my wife and son on her summer trip to my in-laws in few weeks, unless there are any updates on the employment front. I just hope the best for her and am glad that I did not make a big deal out of the situation. I am also glad to have such a kind and understanding wife who was there for her friend in need.

Relevant Comments:

SaraLebowski:

If this works out for you guys, that's great. For me it's such huge red flag, that she wakes up same time as you, joined the same gym as you and want's to spend a lot of time with you plus is looking at places to rent near you. Maybe it's because I've seen too many stories like that end in a horrible way. Again, if it works out for you guys it's great, to me it's one red flag after another and seems like a start of something fishy.

Anisaxxx:

I felt uncomfortable reading how much she’s inserted herself in your life. There’s still red flags waving and you’re either stupidly oblivious or you’re enjoying the attention that you choose to be oblivious.

Tall-Negotiation6623:

You honestly still don’t see it, do you? Waking up early at the same time as you, going to the gym with you and cooking with you. She’s spending an awful lot of time with you. And the difference is she isn’t one of your SILs but your wife’s friend. A friend that has a past going after married men. You sound naive to not at least put down some fucking boundaries with her. I don’t even get why you won’t do that. It’s so stupid. On every post people kept warning you and you refuse to listen. I hope, for your wife’s sake, that Ana doesn’t try anything. But remember that if she does and your marriage dies because of it, you and your unwillingness to handle it, will be the sole fucking reason.

grayblue_grrl:

Oh sure... this is going to end well.

We won't do the immediate attack head on because he won't fall for that.

So we do the slow build.

A little bit here.

A little more there.

As soon as she gets her own place, things are going to change.

I don't understand how people can not see what it happening in front of their eyes.

Poor dude is going to be in her bed and wondering what happened.

here4mysteries:

I have no dog in this fight and I’m wildly uncomfortable with how much Ana has inserted herself into your life and your daily routine and how you have let her do so. It does not come across as innocent, she has NO reason to hug or kiss you ever. Why is the apartment hunting a “we” thing? Why are you talking down about your wife’s relatives to this person? Why are you spending so much of your time every day with this woman?

You are having an emotional affair with this woman. And it is not gonna take much for it to turn physical and you will be back here saying you have no idea how this happened.

You need to get back to doing these things with your wife and this woman needs to not be part of your life or you will be very sorry in the end. She knows exactly what she’s doing and she is playing the long game.

ETA: Ohhhh. And now reading previous posts, I see Ana has gone after married men before! Omg. You really can’t be this clueless?

Editor's Note: OOP claims this is his last post, but given the comments and my own intuition, this story does not seem finished. However, since this is a new update, it is marked new update rather than ongoing.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

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Original post: 10 months ago

The Chime: a low-stakes mystery set in Perth, Australia

So, back at my old place, I'd hear this musical chime go off almost every day. Ding ding DING. Super loud, repeated itself a few times, and then would stop. We lived near both a church and an oval and sometimes we'd hear noises like music over speakers drifting on the air, so for a long time I assumed it was some modern version of church bells or kulning used to herd children.

Until one day I was sitting outside and the chime CONTINUED. Ding ding DING. Ding ding DING. Hey oom ma ma heyyyyaaaa -

...oh WAIT, I knew this! Started singing the rest in my head and quickly identified it as Life In A Northern Town:

BUT, the version I was hearing was not this version of the song. It had dings! And it wasn't a cover, but a sampling, so after a bit of digging I finally found this song called Sunchyme by Dario G:

Apparently this song was quite popular in the UK in the late 90s. I get it, it bops, mystery solved, right? Neighbor must be a shift worker who sleeps deeply and loves the song, so they are using it for an alarm ringtone.

Then I moved.

And now I hear the chime (chyme) again! All the time! The odds of two neighbors in different neighborhoods loving and blasting the same 90s song seems low, so now I'm wondering...

Why is the Sunchyme following me?!

Thread in with some leads:

Steps I'm taking next:

• Noting down what day/time I hear it

• Taking walks in my neighborhood to see if I happen to hear where it's coming from

Best comments:

1: hmm

Is it not like a knife sharpener doing the rounds? My girlfriend told me about a friend of hers who heard a mysterious chime for years but kind of thought it was in her head. One day walking around with her bf there was the chime. He goes 'oh hey the knife sharpener'; she grabbed his arm and went 'oh my god you hear it too?!'. It's an inside joke for us now. I also have a friend who thought she could fly in elevators but that's another story.

2: lol ty

Well I've got nothing to add except Orla dancing along to the Dario G remix in the finale of Derry Girls put a big smile on my face:

3: a useful clue for the cultural context for this song!

I think it used to be played between shows on SBS in 90's. They also had Teardrop by Massive Attack (which was used in the theme song for house MD) and sweet lullaby by Deep forest.

4: even better clue

It's not a school bell? A lot of schools play a few bars of music at recess/lunch/end of day instead of the traditional bell. I briefly worked in a school that almost always used 80s classics the kids had never heard of, based purely on the preferences of the school secretary in charge of the speaker system.

Update July 2, 2024:

Update: Sunchyme mystery solved

Forgot about this post I made a while ago, but wanted to give an update!

Turns out it is from a local school as a signal for the end to recess. The misdirection of sound origin stems from nearby hills creating unique acoustics.

We did try some triangulation which gave us interesting information about how sounds travel in this area, but the actual solution was quite mundane - we just happened to drive by the school when it was playing.

My husband was not a fan of my OMGTHATSIT screech :P

actually had the answers all along:

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My (22F) BF (25M) doesn’t find me attractive anymore because I gained weight. How can I fix this in a healthy way?

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: Eating Disorder, infidelity, body shaming

: June 10, 2024

Now to give some context before i start, i have had diagnosed anorexia for 8 years. I had an immense fear of food and was dangerously thin about 4 years ago. I have gained some weight shortly after, but my mental recovery has been difficult. I have only been feeling well for less than a year.

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 2 years. The first year was very difficult, he had just come out of a serious relationship that ended with him being cheated on multiple times. Because of how traumatic that was for him, he ended up treating me horribly. He has since apologized and has been amazing to me, however i know that multiple other women were in his life during that first year. My confidence was already shaken because of this, now it has hit an ultimate low.

We have had an amazing sex life until a few months ago, we used to get intimate everyday, maybe even more than once. Lately it happens about only once a week, and the passion is not there. He is very into me giving him oral, but just not sex itself. When we do have sex its always in positions where he can’t really see my face or my body. I’ve tried talking about this with him multiple times and nothing had changed, until today. I decided to be specific and asked him if me gaining weight had anything to do with his interest being so low, and he said yes.

Mind you, im nowhere near fat, for the first time since my teenage years, im actually a healthy weight. Now i do have some lower belly fat and thick legs, but i wasn’t bothered by that. Because i thought i was lovable and attractive no matter what… I can’t help but spiral, i know its not his fault that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, but mentally im not taking this very well. I have the desire to cover up every inch of my skin, I get very uncomfortable when he tries to touch me in anyway, conflicted in whether i should have a meal or not etc. How do I get through this in a healthy way?

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she thinks her boyfriend was being an asshole for saying that he didn’t find her attractive

OOP: he really wasn’t and yes, i asked it. otherwise i don’t think he would ever say something like this to me on his own. i get why everyone is advising me to let this relationship pass, but i also do agree with you on the importance of honesty. i’ve been wondering if i worded myself the wrong way…

OOP on the possibilities if something has triggered her boyfriend or herself

OOP: nothing triggered anyone, i asked the question and i got my answer. my response is indeed not that of a normal person’s considering my ed, i just want advice on not spiralling on this issue (as in covering myself all the time etc.) and moving on without feeling any sort of resentment(?)

: June 23, 2024

Link to original post:

I had posted a little more than a week ago about this situation with my partner. (Link above) Since then I have been working out daily, eating what I consider to be healthy, and honestly I’ve had an amazing result in such a short time. Now I must make clear that I’m not doing this in an unhealthy way. However the toll this took on my mental still didn’t completely go away. I have been having a hard time getting intimate with my partner, because I get very nervous to his touch.

I had a conversation with him on how I’ve been very happy with this new routine and the results I see on my body, he said “Good, you still have a little more to go” and pointed at my lower belly. He does compliment my body also and call me beautiful also, but I found this comment to be unnecessary and very toxic so I tried to chat with him about it, he just said it’s ‘normal’ in a ‘normal relationship with a normal communication’. I got mad and told him to go home, and that I needed to think on it. Now since I have an ED (anorexia to be specific) I don’t know if I am overreacting to stuff like this. I had also told him to research what anorexia is and be a bit more sensitive towards me when the topic is my weight a week ago, he said he would but he didn’t, and he also kept commenting. He said he just wanted to motivate me since I’ve already started working out. Is he right? Am i overreacting? Is it just an innocent comment with no bad intent?

UPDATE: Thank you for your comments, I know some of you were mad that i posted twice and not listened to any advice from the first one. I know you all mean well, I had a hard time accepting the facts because of many reasons that I do not want to get into. You’ve all been very supportive and kind, thank you for giving me the courage and the push towards the right direction. I have ended things and will be focusing on myself from now on. And please do not worry about my health, as I’m trying my hardest to eat (and succeeding) even when I do not feel hungry due to stress. Much love and again thanks to all of you. ❤️

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple questions about keeping her health in check and not relapse back to her old habits with anorexia

OOP: Do not worry, I’m not restricting myself from anything. I’m still very healthy, thank you for your concern 🫶🏻 + I’m not back to my disordered habits, there’s no need to worry. To be more specific, my mother was there with me during the entirity of my ed, from my lowest to my recovery. I have voiced my concerns of relapse and we’re doing daily check ups of my eating habits 🫠 Thank you for asking 🫶🏻 + Having an eating disorder is a mental illness, not just physical, just like a drug addiction is. You’re never mentally free and always have the risk of relapsing, but that doesn’t always mean it has to be the case. I’ve had my fair share of relapses or slips, but yes, I’m doing fine at this exact moment.

GoldenHind124: You're not overreacting and your gut reaction is telling you something here. Why can't this dipshit bf of yours just say something encouraging without offering an evaluation? Why can't he just simply be kind? No, he just has to shoot his mouth off with that nugget and further worsening your insecurity and self-esteem. I can't BELIEVE for a minute that this is being done without malice. And I promise you, that shittiness gets much worse over time, not better.

I think it is time to call it on this relationship before the real harm sets in. Keep focusing on your health and following the proper guidelines for ED treatment. Seek out help from a therapist that is trained in this recovery because I am worried for you and you need positive support OUTSIDE of your relationship. Good luck and hugs <3

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. Original post from by .

I want to order Japanese A5 Wagyu steaks for my birthday but I have some questions

Mood Spoiler: The stakes? Low. The steaks? Great!

22 November 2020

First of all, I was wondering how much I should order for my wife and I. I understand it’s very rich and I won’t be eating a 16oz steak myself, but I have no idea how much 2 adults would typically eat. I’m not concerned with the price, I just want to have the perfect birthday supper.

The other concern I have is the preparation. I’m hoping to cook it 2 or 3 different ways, so I’m looking for recommendations on how to prepare the steaks. I’m considering doing some sous vide and I definitely want to thinly slice some and hit it with the searzall over sushi rice. What other techniques do you all recommend? Also, what are some sides that would compliment the steaks? Thanks in advance.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

chittad: There’s a video that answers almost everything you’re asking

OOP: Wow apparently I’m terrible at finding resources. I spent a good 30 mins on the crowd cow website and didn’t find anything like this. That’s exactly what I’m looking for, thanks!

chittad: You’re welcome and a very Happy Birthday in advance!

Many other posters offered OP Wagyu cooking tips and side dish suggestions

UPDATE: 14 December 2020

I got a lot of responses on my previous post so I figured I’d take the time to update everyone on how my A5 Wagyu experience went.

First of all, thank you so much to every who responded. I learned a lot from that post and changed my wagyu night game-plan quite a bit based on those responses. If I do wagyu again I don’t think I’d change a thing.

I went with a from Crowd Cow. I planned on doing about 6 ounces for my wife and I but upped it to 8 ounces each, which ended up being a tad too much, but we ate it all anyway (mostly me) and I have no regrets. Next time I’ll do a little less but honestly it’ll be more to save money. I would happily eat another 8-10oz.

The first method, based on advice received here, I cut off about half the steak and for a little over 1 minute per side. It came out and I think it was my personal favorite style but it’s difficult to say. It’s hard to judge something so amazing. We ate this by itself or with a bit of wasabi and soy sauce. Also went great with the sushi rice.

Next I and with some real Japanese wasabi, thin slice of raw garlic, and a small pinch of finishing salt. This went amazing with a touch of artisan soy sauce. Thank you to for this recommendation, we enjoyed it immensely and I highly recommend anyone considering doing Wagyu to try this method, as unconventional as it may seem.

The last method, which was my wife’s favorite, I took 1-inch strips of the uncooked steak and seared them on a super hot pan until nicely charred. Unfortunately I didn’t take a pic as I cooked these halfway through the meal and was too busy having the best experience of my life. The strips came out perfectly crispy, and although they were cooked medium to medium well throughout, were incredibly tender and melted after a couple bites. It’s true what some of you told me, A5 wagyu does not need to be medium-rare. I’m glad I listened to you all on that regard.

, sans the well-charred strips that were cooked later. The steaks went perfectly with some sushi rice and a Sichuan-style smashed cucumber salad. The vinegar in each provided a perfect balance to the rich steak. Shout out to for the cucumber salad recommendation.

.

Thanks again to everyone who helped. I learned a lot from people I didn’t mention above, , , to name a few.

If anyone has any questions about my experience please feel free to ask!

I suppose since this is I should take advantage and ask a question. What do you all recommend I make with my leftover wagyu fat? I have a good 2.5 ounces to work with.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

darfooz: Use the fat to make some fried rice. That’s what they do in Japan so I’m sure you can find some recipes for it. It is incredible and you won’t regret it!

OOP: This is what I ended up doing. It’s was easily the best fried rice I’ve ever had

Reminder - I am not the original poster.