I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and her user account

Ongoing as per OOP

6 updates - Long

- 27th April 2024

- 29th April 2024

- 30th April 2024

- 7th May 2024

- 14th May 2024

- 26th May 2024

- 25th June 2024

I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband

Throwaway account as my husband and In-laws are follow my main. I, 29 F, have been married to my husband, 30 m, who I'll call Alex. Alex and I met in college during our freshman year. We started off as just friends, and got married seven months ago. I've gotten along with his family, but we aren't super close but we're friendly enough. The problem is that Alex has begun to make me incredibly uncomfortable.

Firstly, he's begun to ask me who I'm meeting with, where, what we plan on doing, how long every single time I leave the house without him. At first, I just thought he was being protective and a good partner just in case something happened, but then he started checking my phone after the visits, vetting and researching each of my friends as well.

He also has been pursuing me to link my bank account to his, as he's "in charge" of the finances when he was perfectly fine with keeping them separate before. We fight about it almost every day.

Finally, yesterday when he was preparing to go on a work trip for two weeks in California, he demanded I wear a tracker so he could keep and eye on me while he's gone. I can't do this anymore, I feel like I'm suffocating and his family who I've spoken to about his worrying behavior just said he's being careful and protective as a good husband should. I need to gather my things together and find a way to be gone before he gets home without tipping him off.

He's always threatened that if he ever found me cheating on him he'd turn in divorce papers the same day. He keeps a filled out copy in his desk. I'm going to submit those the day I leave. But there's so much to do, bergen finding a new place to live, seeing if my job has any transfers available, packing and moving in two weeks. His return flight May 11th, so I need to move quickly. I'm posting here because I don't have any close family, and I can't risk dragging my friends into this as we share the same friends.I just needed a place to vent, and ask if anyone has any advice on the easiest and safest way to do this?

Edit: oh my god you guys are amazing! I never even thought to not use his divorce papers. I'll check for cameras before I start any packing or prepping. I may also shred his divorce papers just in case and look into getting a lawyer for myself. I'm in a no fault divorce state, that much I so remember which will help. I'll update again when I know more. The tracker he wants me to use is a small clip to put on the belt or waistband. I'll wear it unless I'm going or doing something related to me leaving. No pets yet thankfully.

Comments

naomi15

Do not take his divorce papers to submit! Who knows what agreements or stipulations he put in there! Get a lawyer and do your own ASAP!

aquavenatus

First, contact your job and tell them your situation. They might have “an immediate job opening” for you. Second, contact any nearby DV shelters and ask them for assistance with your plans. Last, file a police report so they know what’s going on; and, so your STBX cannot file a missing person’s report for you. Good luck.

Update1 - 2 days later

So I've gotten a lot of support and helpful advice along with questions I thought I should clarify before I proceed with the update. Some asked why I'd be 'hiding' things from Alex regarding going out and who I'm meeting with. I don't, and I have nothing to hide. However when he begins to then double check everything I tell him with the other people there right down to each person I talked to and what I said. Did I send any text msgs, did I order food, how much did I eat, that's when it started to feel like I was slowly being pushed into a corner. It didn't start that bad, but gradually grew worse overtime.

All of the Reddit subs my in-law's families are part of are related gardening and diy so I highly doubt they'll see this, if so by the time they do, I'll hopefully be gone. I talked to my job and explained things to my manager. And they promised to look into openings in other states to see if they could get me into one. They'll have an update on that in three days. I trust that my bank account us secured, considering he's tried to get into it before and failed. I found one camera in the kitchen, another in the living room and one in our bedroom. As such, I've left them in place for now and done all other planning, either in the bathroom pretending I'm taking a bath.

I'm honestly staying away from the domestic violence services as my sister-in-law is unfortunately higher up in those considering she volunteers there and I have a feeling if I did show up there, they would know in a heartbeat. I can't look for apartments until I get the update from my work, but either or i'm still gonna be leaving the state. The day before I do I will be changing my number carrier and wiping my laptop and all of his electronics before I do.

I've met with 2 lawyers so far and had them look over the paperwork. My husband had prepared and both said that it did it have some clauses in it. That could have caused me some trouble down the line. What alarmed all of us close the fact that several of those clauses dealt with future children, and not as a hypothetical. Like several hair suggested I have a feeling he fully intended on getting me pregnant to keep me trapped and tied to him.

There are 3 other locations. My job could send me to and I have. As a precaution Begun looking into all 3 cities and housing in the areas. Just in case one of those, this is the one they send me to. Even if they don't have an opening that they can push me into then I will just have to quit, move and figure things out on my own. I have enough money to live and survive for a few months until I can pick up another job.

Unfortunately all of our friends are mutuals and would likely be unaware of the consequences of saying or sharing anything I do or say with my husband. I don't have any surviving close family and obviously my in laws are not a good resource to rely on. I am on my own unfortunately, other than the wonderful bonds, i've begun to make here. I will update again if I get more information or something else happens. Otherwise all update when my work gets back to me. I do plan on leaving before he returns, though. Just to make sure that i'm not anywhere near here at that time.

Comments

aquavenatus

Forget the hidden cameras! The clauses he had written into the divorce papers are extremely troubling. God Forbid you did sign those papers, I don’t believe for a moment that your STBX would have found a way to get you pregnant, with or without your consent.

I know you’re pretending you didn’t find the cameras, but I would change clothes either in the bathroom or in the closet. This way he can’t threaten you with naked photos of you later on. Also, make sure all of your essential documents are on you just in case you leave quicker than you planned on leaving.

I hope you hear back on the new location by tomorrow. The sooner the better.

~10 days remaining.

P.S. Purchase your Departure Ticket with cash! All card payments can be tracked!

Update2 - 1 days later

Good news! My work has an opening I qualify for that will not only shift me across the country, but also comes with a salary increase as well. I've started telling my in laws and friends that I'm planning a surprise outing for when my husband gets back for just the two of us. This way, people don't give me odd looks if they see me out and about. I've even gone as far as asking MIL to show me his favorite recipes.

Meanwhile, I've found a moving company that while small is willing to work in a storm. The reason is in five days, we're supposed to get hit with a large storm front. I plan to shut off the breaker and say we lost power if he asks just as several people here suggested and even send him a short clip of the storm.

I will have all of my stuff moved that afternoon, and I will be flying out once the weather has cleared enough to do so. I have a lawyer who will push my divorce through, and I've filled out the necessary paperwork so that I don't have to be here for it. I'm not suing for assets or alimony and I've shredded his divorce papers as well. I've set up a cheap payphone plan through cricket until this is all said and done at which point I will find a new carrier, number and phone. This one is being wiped and left behind.

My laptop is provided by my work, and the IT department inspected it thoroughly and it was clean thankfully. No other electronic aside from my laptop and new phone will be coming with me. If alex needs to talk to me, he can do it through my lawyer. Not sure if anything else will happen, my fingers are crossed that he doesn't think anythings amiss until after I leave - and I'm not turning the breaker back on when I do. He can when he gets home. My work is covering the plane ticket, so that at least is one expense I don't have to finagle in.

Comments

Vox289

Rather than killing the power breaker unplugging the WiFi router/modem would be sufficient. Small cameras like that are wireless with possibly an sd card backup but they’re not hard wired to the internet and the internet being down is easier to pull off than the power being out since most power companies have live outage maps

zoeheriot

As someone who has done this, I have to applaud you for having the courage to do it. I left my shite husband in 2017 when an opportunity opened up in my company to go from Georgia to Arizona. I secretly packed everything I owned and brought it to my office to store until my move. Then I scheduled my direct deposit to shift to my new bank account, and made all the other changes to separate us. Seven years on, it remains the very best decision I've ever made. I hope everything goes smoothly for you!

Update3 - 7 days later

It's been a busy week, but I've gotten so much done. Firstly, I am now out of the house and am currently in a hotel while I look for an apartment. It's a big city, bustling with people no matter where you look. We had a pretty bad storm system hit back home, that actually lasted two days. High winds, thunder, lightning and even hail everywhere. I didn't take much from the house, my documents, clothes and important sentimental items. I left all of the furniture and electronics behind. I cleaned the house top to bottom and took pictures on my phone so he couldn't claim I damaged anything when I left.

My lawyer has already started divorce proceedings, and my husband will be served on the 8th. His plane is due to land early morning, and the sheriff will be there at the house waiting for him. He is very much about public appearances and reputation. My lawyer will be calling him as well to inform him that I am more than willing to air out everything to the public about his actions if it means securing my freedom from him. I will go to court as long as I must to get this pushed through.

I haven't told our friends or his in-laws yet, I will do that while he is on the flight to prevent him from getting wind of it before he's handed the divorce papers. I will be calling around and explaining why we're getting divorced, to try and prevent him from twisting this into somehow being my fault. I don't want him trying to claim I had an affair or something so I want to get the truth out before he can twist this.

I'm... doing okay. I'm tired, but yet I feel almost jittery and off-kilter. I keep looking over my shoulder and monitoring what I say even when I don't really need to anymore. Hopefully that will fade soon. My work is covering the cost of the hotel, and I'm working on getting my other things in order. I also need to find a new GP as I want to get a full test just to make sure everything is okay. I don't know when my next update will be, probably when the divorce papers are filed or if we have to go to court to push them through. I will try to keep my head up, but it feels like I'm in a whirlwind or something with so many things to do and think about. I kinda thought it would be easier once I got out of the house but while the fear is smaller, somehow the number of tasks only seems to have grown.

Update 4 - 7 days later

Sorry I haven't updated for a while, things got hectic and a bit chaotic honestly. Firstly, I'm working on getting an apartment still and have applications in at three different places and will hopefully hear back from them soon. I'm still going into work here at the new location, so I don't have to worry about burning through my emergency savings completely. I've gotten a lot of emails from Alex, his family and our old friend group asking question after question. I have only sent one return email to Alex, explaining that I don't believe we are truly compatible, and it is best we separate now. That his treatment of me when I'd done nothing to deserve as such was just as much of a deal breaker as cheating was for him.

I ended the email with the statement that I would not be contacting him further and anything else he needed to pass on to me or vice versa would be done through my lawyer. For his family and friends, I just typed up one email outlining everything that had happened and why I left. I told them I wished them no ill will, but that such treatment of his wife and partner was not acceptable. That should Alex get remarried in the future, I wished they would help support both partners and not just Alex.

Alex, from what my lawyer told me, was livid when he was served. The sheriff actually ended up booking him for assault on an officer and menacing due to the threats he was shouting. His father bailed him out in a few hours, but with the testimony of the sheriff, my lawyer believes I have a very good chance at getting a restraining order. Alex, upon returning to the house, apparently lost his temper again, breaking the dining table into pieces as well as the tv, and putting several holes in the walls. At least that's what one of the emails from one of our friends reported as Alex called him to help him clean up the mess.

My lawyer already has pictures of the house I took, with timestamps as evidence nothing had been damaged by me. My friend reported that Alex tried to claim I'd been the one to trash the house but the holes in the wall were at head height - Alex is 6'3", and I'm 5'4" so he knew that was false. Either way, taking the pictures definitely will help me so again thank you everyone here for the advice because I never would have thought of that on my own. My work won't share details of where I am, as I do work with some higher end clientele who value security and that information won't be gossiped about and no, I'm not some stripper or escort. I deal with contracts, notary and business management. As such, even if Alex tried to use my work to find me, he wouldn't succeed.

Comments

Any_Broccoli_6414

Yikes the fact that he blew a fuse and started destroying things really is a red flag I'm glad you left before he would've ever snapped and ended up hurting you. I hope your life gets better from here on OP you deserve it good luck!

Update - 12 days later

It’s been a little bit, and I thought I’d answer some questions before giving my update. It may be a while after this until things change.

Firstly, No I didn’t bring my car. The public transport here is good enough to use without needing one. I have secured an apartment, and the building has good security. You need a key card to enter, and there is a security guard at a desk right by the entrance to the building. As part of my contract, I gave them a photo of Alex and his family so that even in the off chance they do find me, they won’t be let in.

The responses I got from the emails varied. His family said I was overreacting, and that I owe Alex an apology for the problems this has caused him. The pending criminal charges puts him at risk of losing his job if he’s convicted. Alex sent a long email, apologizing and pleading for me to come home. He said he was worried for me, that he is willing to go to therapy if it will appease me. He wants us to remain together, and he didn’t think leaving was an appropriate response to his genuine concern and worry for my health and safety. The friends gave somewhat lacking replies, saying that they didn’t think Alex was ever going to hurt me and that I shouldn’t be letting my imagination run away wild. As much as I want to say I was surprised by the lack of support, I’m honestly not.

He intends to fight the divorce. I am letting my lawyer handle it, and I am also pursuing a protective order as well. Once I got approved for my apartment, I also froze my credit. I’ve changed my phone carrier and number, as well as making sure none of my documents list Alex as next of kin or POA.

Some have asked why I was so paranoid about Alex and his possible future actions. The answer for that actually is somewhat simple – my grandmother. I loved that woman to bits. As a teen, she explained why my grandfather was never around. He was extremely abusive and manipulative, and her generation didn’t allow divorce really. She wouldn’t have been able to buy a house or get a good enough job to support her and my mother on her own. As such, she endured it, shielded my mom as she could until my grandfather died. When I felt like I may have been overreacting, I remembered how she’d said she’d always wished she’d been able to see grandfather for what he was early on when she may have been able to annul the marriage.

I don’t know when I’ll update again, maybe when the divorce goes through or if something big happens but until then, I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

Comments

big_bob_c

Glad to her you're doing well and safely away from him. If you didn't mention it to the alleged friend group, I would send a follow-up that Alex threatened you with divorce regularly, and had a filled-out set of divorce papers as a prop. He valued your marriage so little that he used the threat of ending your marriage as a tool to micromanage your personal behavior, you have taken that lever away.

As far as his alleged reasons for wanting to keep close tabs on you, it's common for cheaters to accuse their partner of the same. So get an STD test, you have no idea who or what he has been doing on his business trips.

driftwood-and-waves

Replying just gives more fuel for Alex. Anything OP says, even to the friends will get back to him. He will twist it and use it for his benefit.

Not replying will piss him off because she's not giving him any control. He can't use what she says against her or gauge where she is emotionally etc so he can plan his next step. Not replying, not reacting, not giving any more information to anyone associated with him, or anyone except her lawyer just to be safe, and having all communication go through her lawyer will make him seeth. By staying silent, and healing and doing better she is winning.

But I hella agree with getting tested for all the things. Go get blessed by a holy person or sage yourself and your things just to get all the ick out.

Update - 1 month later

It’s been a month since my previous update, and I wanted to share some of what’s been going on in the meantime. The divorce is proceeding, but even though I don’t need him to agree – and he’s not – it means I have to go through the courts to get it approved. As such, it could be upwards of six months to push it through even though I’m filing without attempting to claim property, alimony or compensation. I just want a clean break and separation.

Alex has attempted to use our friends to reach out to me, as he doesn’t want to use my lawyer for communication. He’s saying its disrespectful and cowardly to hide behind my lawyer and not meet him face to face. Alex wrote me a letter that he did pass off to my lawyer, but the contents were him justifying his actions and claiming that in today's time it is dangerous for women to be on their own which is why he was so intent on trying to keep me safe from harm. He wanted me to understand that he was trying to protect me as best he could and was hurt that I would just lie to him and hide my actions from him related to my dissatisfaction with our marriage and my moving.

I didn’t reply, because at no point did he apologize. All he did was turn everything around on me as I was being overly dramatic, emotional and cowardly. There was a second letter with Alex’s from my SIL. Her letter… was honestly disturbing and completely justified my misgivings regarding approaching her in any kind of professional capacity. She spent five paragraphs detailing how a ‘real abusive’ relationship looked like and that Alex was the furthest thing from abusive. The details she included were all related to financial abuse and physical abuse. Nothing like what Alex had been doing. She stated that my attempts to smear her brother’s name for attention and clout made me the abuser not him.

I haven’t really been able to process that admittedly. Part of me can’t help but wonder if she’s right. I mean, I blindsided him by leaving as I did and am refusing to speak with him at all. My old boss recommended that I look into getting into therapy after I moved, and I think I need to. I have had a hard time adjusting to being on my own, I keep censoring myself and haven’t even gone out to eat yet. I always end up worrying about what if someone sees me, what if I get in trouble for spending my money on something frivolous…

My lawyer is continuing to fight for the divorce, and I shouldn’t need to be physically present in court. Any meetings needed between me and the judge can be done via zoom. I’m trying to avoid confrontation with Alex and his family for now as much as I can and passed both letters to my lawyer in case he needs them. Our friends are mostly trying to avoid taking sides still, and I’m honestly approaching the point of just letting them go as well. I’m tired of fighting for them to understand at this point. I don’t know if anything is going to happen, so my next update may not be until around mid-November depending on how long it takes to push the divorce through. Work is going well, and it’s helpful to have something familiar to anchor my day to day life when so much has changed and is changing even now.

Comments

lady-scorpio-45

Oh yeah, demanding to be charge of all of the money, having divorce papers always filled out, setting up 3 cameras in your home, and demanding you wear a tracking device is all evidence of a nice, normal, healthy relationship. JFC. Your exSIL is such an A H. Don’t for one second take anything she said seriously. And your ex, just trying to “protect you as best he could”. BARF.

You should be so proud of yourself for getting away from these lunatics. The road ahead may still be bumpy at times and it’ll take more time for your nerves to settle but you did it. Seek out a therapist still because it’s certainly a lot for one person to process all on their own.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not OOP. OOP is and they posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

June 17, 2024

In Florida.

Hello all, I hope this is relevant to this subreddit. The gist is as follows:

Three years ago my roommates and I decided to adopt a cat at my suggestion. I was unsure of actually following through with this at the time, but we did it anyway, splitting the initial adoption fee, and with my name signing paperwork. As you can guess, we haven't regretted that decision and still have the cat. The other roommate involved very quickly bowed out of any responsibility for the cat, but the last one, we'll call her Harriet, and I have continued to share equal responsibility. At least, for the first year we did.

In the last year or so, Harriet has straight up not been holding up her end. I have been the sole one clipping the cat's nails, vacuuming the cat tree, rinsing the water bowl, scooping the litter boxes, buying her new toys (scratchers and such), and even playing with her and taking her on walks.

Due to personal conflicts between myself and Harriet (and the end of our lease), we will no longer be living together quite soon and I intend to take the cat with me when I leave. I informed Harriet of this in April briefly. We have not had a full conversation about it since partly because I'm afraid of her reaction and how she will retaliate based on her behavior in the past which has been extreme (though never outright physical). The other two roommates who live with us have said that I am the one taking care of the cat and that Harriet has indeed been lacking in her responsibilities, enough that it’s noticeable. They both consider the cat to be mine.

In the meantime, I have been making sure I have all the documentation and paperwork for the cat and that it says my name. I have contacted the vet and my name is on the most recent bill (from February) and papers, though Harriet's name had been on previous documents as Harriet was the one who had made those appointments. My name and signature are on the adoption papers. My name is on the cat's microchip. I have all these papers in my possession and do not intend to give them to Harriet for fear of tampering (and I've also scanned and made digital copies).

My question is: does Harriet have any legal grounds for ownership of the cat and/or would this actually be considered stealing?

Relevant Comments:

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Legally speaking, this may sound cruel, but a pet is considered property. If your name is on the adoption papers and she is registered to you, then that means she is your 'property.' Keep your paperwork in a safe place that Harriet does not have access to. Make a copy or backup as well. If the cops arrive, provide the documentation to the police, if the microchip is in your name this helps your case as well.

Until then? Ignore. She is likely trying to intimidate you into giving away the cat that is your 'property.' She has no legal grounds here.

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Thank you for the response. I’m moving the paperwork out of the house so she won’t be able to access it at all and have rechecked with the vet to confirm the microchip is under my name.

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Move the cat out of the house, too. If she takes it first, you'd have a hard time recovering it. If you tried to sue her for it, the cat is only basically worth the adoption fees. If you're concerned enough about her actions & reactions to be posting her, then you should see if another friend from a different friend circle, or a family member, can foster the cat until you move. Better safe than sorry.

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I recommend registering your cat with your local jurisdiction.

Between the adoption papers, microchip and vet bills you have a very good case if she were to take you to court over the cat. But having an animal registered to you is an official government agency acknowledging ownership. It strengthens your case and blocks her from establishing ownership via registration.

June 22, 2024

I moved out of the house without telling Harriet and the cat went with me.

Harriet did indeed go to the cops. They said it was a civil matter that would have to be settled in court. There is new information that’s come to light that has me uncertain about if I have sufficient grounds for winning if it goes to court.

Harriet apparently had a separate copy of the adoption papers from the rescue we got the cat at, and these have her printed name and contact information on them, I presume from when she previously did volunteer work for the rescue. However, it is my signature that is present on the adoption paperwork. For clarification, I have a physical hard copy of the paperwork and that’s what has my full name, info, and signature on which I had thought was legally binding but the rescue has informed me is not. The new paperwork I was unaware of is digital and provided from the rescue, and has Harriet’s printed name and info, but my (actual signed) signature.

The rescue has told me that since Harriet’s name is the one on the paperwork that she is the legal owner. They have also changed the microchip information to reflect this. I have a previous pdf copy of the microchip showing my name on it from February, so this was a recent change likely in light of Harriet pushing the issue.

The rescue has stated that there’s nothing they can do for changing the name on those adoption papers and that in a court case the judge will only care about the adoption paperwork, microchip, and vet bills. Once again, my signature is on the adoption paperwork.

Is the adoption paperwork still valid under Harriet’s name if it is my signature on it?

ETA: all that’s in italics for clarification

ETA2: For further context about her calling the cops:

Harriet had physically gone to the police station to file a report on Friday when she came home and the cat was gone (as was most of the furniture that I owned because I wanted to move out ASAP and never have to come back for fear of my safety). The police then called me and asked me to come to the station with my paperwork to look it over. When I arrived, I stayed outside while Harriet was inside (to avoid an altercation) and I talked with the officer. They took a look at the paperwork and explained to me that this is a civil matter and they aren’t going to get involved further, but that they will be informing Harriet of this also and of the fact that she can sue me for the cat. When they informed Harriet, the officer came back outside and told me that she was very upset and to expect to be sued. He also asked me to leave as he didn’t want me to be there when Harriet exited the station as she was very upset.

Relevant Comments:

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They changed the microchip info? WHT did they still have access. Are they manipulating the documents after the fact for her? 

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The microchip website has an option to ‘transfer ownership’ with provided proof. I am guessing that they’ve sent the digital adoption paper (Harriet’s name, my signature) to change the ownership to hers.

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The digital paper work had to have been made after your paper work. Is the signature identical? Like the took it from the copy you signed and pasted it on the "digital copy" because if you never actually signed the digital copy I don't think it would be valid. There should also be a digital time stamp as to when it was made. I am curious if the shelter recently altered the paperwork on file to help her lie. If proveable it would certainly shed doubt on her case.

Maybe send the paper you have to the microchip site and explain that the other signature is invalid. 

You also have the vet bills that are most recent. Keep track of any food/care purchases. 

If you have any texts showing that you cared for the cat more often that could help too. (Ie discussions about cleaning the litter box or who would take her to the vet)

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Maybe also have other roommates write letters stating she has not been taking care of the cat for the last year. That you have been solely responsible for. If you go to court, also make sure judge knows she’s worked at this shelter and paperwork has been changed.

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Try to get the microchip info changed back to your name. You have the adoption doc with your signature as proof that you are the rightful owner. Also, the receipts and records from the vet show that you have been paying for your cat’s care. If you have receipts from purchases like cat food, litter, toys, etc, this also shows your ongoing care of this pet.

You also have your cat in your possession, so do not let Harriet have any opportunity whatsoever to steal her from you. Animals are considered chattel in the eyes of the law, and you have probably heard that possession is 9/10 of the law. When my ex tried to keep my dog from me, I could do nothing to get her back because police and lawyers would not help me. He finally gave her back to me, but I would have not been able to get her back otherwise even though I had all the paperwork. Having your cat in your possession is important, so protect her.

You have numerous documents showing that you have adopted your cat, that you have paid for her healthcare at the vet, and for her daily maintenance needs, and you said your friends saw how you alone took care of the cat and that Harriet did not. Use these witnesses to help back you up if need be. All of these things should help you keep your cat. The shelter saying that Harriet is the owner is b.s. She lied to them, and manipulated them into changing the ownership, so you can explain this if this situation escalates.

Good luck to you and don’t let Harriet near your cat for any reason!

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Thank you for the response. I am going to be compiling all the receipts that I can. I am also going to contact the microchip company and see if I can get it changed back to me. Should I bring up the new paperwork (that the shelter has told me is the only legally binding paperwork, not the hard copy I possess) is under Harriet’s name but with my signature and also share the hard copy paperwork that I have (with my name and signature)?

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Contact the microchip company and explain that a former roommate has, without your permission, changed the cat's ownership to her name. Tell them the cat is currently in your possession and that you still have the original paperwork, that you never signed off or adopted out your cat to the roommate. See what they say.

In the meantime, keep your cat under lock and key. If you can get the microchip changed back to your name, change the log-in information. That adoption center did something shady as hell. Hell, consider having that microchip removed, even. They're only good if people bother getting them scanned; a collar with your phone number on it might be just as useful. Go to a different vet than one you've used before - you don't want Harriet tracking you down easily.

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Mention to the microchip company that the paperwork digitally sent to them was altered but they forgot to alter the signature and send a copy of the original with the matching signature as proof! Also, mention not just that the cat is currently in your possession, but that the cat NEVER LEFT your possession, and that the person attempting to get the microchip changed was just a former housemate.

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Hey OP, I was in a similar situation to you. One thing I did that helped was documenting every single time I fed the cat or cleaned their litterbox in a composition book. Another thing I did was take my cat to a second vet, and have her double microchipped. Kitty has one brand of microchip in her ear, and another in between her shoulder blades. That way, if she does get scanned, it’s less likely that one will get missed.

I had a flatmate who wanted to steal my cat too, and it turned into a fucking ordeal I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I wish you the best.

:

Thank you for the response!

We have two litter boxes and had an agreement that I cleaned one and she cleaned the other. Over a four month period, I took pictures of ‘her’ litter box and the disgusting state it was in. I stopped taking pictures in May and assumed responsibility of both litter boxes since then. I also kept a OneNote logging journal and tried to fill it in as much as I could from February-May of every time I cleaned the litter box, fed the cat, cleaned her water bowl, vacuumed the cat tree, or trimmed her nails.

When we got the cat originally, she had already been chipped so I am unaware of the cost associated with getting that one removed / a new one, if you have any estimates that would be helpful. I’ll also be looking this up and considering it as a next step.

Editor's Note: the issue between OOP and Harriet doesn't seem to be resolved yet, so I am marking this ongoing.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My wife left me after she got in shape and now wants to get back together

Trigger Warnings: depression, probable infidelity

: May 6, 2024

I am not sure why I am posting this. I probably want some validation as my life turned upside down recently.

I(32M) was married to my wife(33F) for 4 years and we had a great marriage so far. I was madly in love with my wife. She fell into depression mainly due to her job in 2022. I tried to support her in every way and suggested her going to gym or doing any kind of sports to destress. I had my own depression episode before we got married and what saved me was going to gym. She agreed to that and we started going there together. I could not go as frequent as in the past since my workload got heavier after my promotion. However, I tried my best to be there with her. She used to be a bit chubby(which I loved) and after seeing some changes with her body, she started to go there regularly. It also helped her with depression and she got better. I was really happy to see her get better and livelier. She looked more confident, got more aggressive in bed and so on.

However, after a while that confidence level started to affect our relationship for worse. She started going to the parties and going outside to a point she completely stopped doing her share in the house. That proceeded with me seeing her getting flirty with a guy at a meetup we went. I communicated my feelings to her and she dismissed these. After several of these, I had her sit down with me and told her that she is riding high on her newly found confidence and emotions right now. I clearly stated she should not make decisions or actions according to that confidence right now. I know it well. It was one of my worst traits. I used to be extremely emotionally driven in the past. I suggested we go to a marriage counselor and hell broke loose. She said vile things to me like how she realized she settled down with me after getting better and she could do much better than me. She said I am insecure and other things. This woman used to be sweetest person on the earth and I was shocked after hearing the things she said to me.

She filed for divorce the following month and I did not hear much from her other than some lawyer talks. Our court seeing is scheduled to be next month and my lawyer told me there is a high chance it'll be concluded then. There is not much to share. Similar income, only shared asset is our joint account, similar savings and no kids. House is my mom's so it's out of division.

I accepted my marriage is going to end like that. Last week she called crying and told me she regrets everything. She apologized over and over again but I felt disappointed. Not angry, not sad but just disappointed. She did not text me nor call me even once since the divorce started. I did not even know where she was since she just left the home. I told her there is no going back now. She has been messaging me non-stop. My family supports my decision and tell me I should not back down. My in-laws were shocked when they heard about the divorce. They are now telling me to rethink everything.

I will 99.9% not back down but as I said just looking for validation and maybe wanted to vent. Thank you for reading.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds if there was a real reason why his wife left him after getting healthy

OOP: I did not even understand why she left me after getting in shape. I am in shape, too. It's not like I was overweight. It has been a while since going to the gym before we started together but I was not in bad shape at all. I could probably get back to my shredded years with 1 yr of regular workout.

Immaculate329: How long were you separated? Did she tell you why she made the mistake?

OOP: About 5 months. She did not specify it. I am not sure what happened that made her call me crying.

OOP on if his wife was having confidence with her weight or not

OOP: Thank you for sharing your perspective. My wife was not even overweight or extremely big, just chubby. It actually made her more attractive for me with all the curves. I would even go as far as to say she was more attractive for me before she lost weight. That behavior shift just from losing weight seemed incredibly weird to me.

June 23, 2024

We are officially divorced. There was not much to share so it went smooth as a butter according to my lawyer. I've never talked to her other than through lawyers as much as she wanted me to. She tried to talk to me 1-on-1 and get closure but I just do not want that. It's not that I do not care why she left me, what she did during that time. I just do not want to know. I've been living without her for months now. At first, it was difficult and I cried all night some days but after few months, I feel like I came to accept everything. What peace will it give to learn what & why when I already accept everything other than hurting me? For once, I want to prioritize my peace of mind in this whole process. My parents and friends are here to support me, and I am glad that I have such a great support circle.

As for what my plans are: renovate my office room in the house, get back to the gym and live my best life. I've been wanting to renovate my office room for a while now and that's what I'll start with. I started hitting the gym at the same time. I believe my body is good but I have some extra fat. Dieting proved itself difficult because I am a tiramisu addict :') For the dating part, I uploaded few apps and tried out how I am doing. I got decent number of matches but realized I do not feel like doing it right now. I'll focus on my own hobbies, well-being and wants for now. Thank you for all the support and help in the last post.

Relevant Comments

shenannigans20: I'm really sorry you had to go through this awful experience. I agree with you that closure is just for her. As you shed all the tears and pain you needed to. All the best for you, keep looking after yourself and I am proud of how you have handle yourself during this difficult time. From a ciber friend

OOP: I think I gave myself my own closure and the conclusion is: having my best life and moving on. That's the best thing I can do. Thanks for the good wishes!

chewchoo_: When the person who chooses to leave wants “closure”, just shut the door and keep it shut. They only want to make themselves feel better about their decision, no matter how bad it screwed you over.

Bigger and better things to look forward to OP. All the best.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 24th June May 2024

- 28th June 2024

AITA for leaving my friends bachelorette party?

I have been sober for 1 year, after abusing drugs and alcohol for 6 years. Getting sober has truly changed my life. I Rarely talk about my sobriety to others since I don't want to be annoying and because it is no ones business. The only time I talk about it is when it is relevant.

My friends is getting married in September, and I'm a bridesmaid. This weekend she had her bachelorette party (it was a bachelorette party weekend). She had gotten an airbnb for us. I was also the only one with a drivers licence and car (relevant). She knew me while I was a drunk, she saw me recover and has (or I thought) never judged me, only supported me. I don't mind if people around me drink or do drugs, it is their life their choice. I didn't know anyone at her party, but I still had fun on the first day. While everyone was getting drunk on Friday, I was just drinking my coca cola. We were dancing, listening to music and playing a drinking game. It was while we were playing the game, that people tried to give me shots and asking why I wasn't drinking. I just told them that I didn't feel like drinking tonight, and blamed it on that I had a long traveling day.

The next day, during brunch people were drinking mimosas. I was just drinking orange juice and again I was asked why I am not drinking. I knew I would get asked this, and I had talked to my friend before this weekend. I decided this would be the perfect time to mention that I am sober and I don't drink. Some people asked me why, I didn't want to go into the details of it (since I didn't want to ruin the mood) so I said it is because of health reasons.

Later that evening, I was drinking some soda and went to go to the bathroom. When I came back, I took a sip of my drink and they had put vodka in my soda. I spit it back out, and asked who put vodka in my drink. I was upset about this, but I wasn't crying or causing a scene. I just thought maybe someone didn't know that this was my drink. One of my friends friend said that she did and it was an accident. I didn't get mad because accidents happen. However, there was a little voice in my head telling me it was intentional. I shortly went outside to smoke a cigarette and to call my bf. I had walked behind the house, and my friend and two others came outside to also smoke. I guess they didn't see me, since they talked about what had happened. My friend said she thought it was lame that I came, and that she misses the old drunk me. That she hoped this spike would make me relapse. I was listening in shock, I thought I knew this girl. For fuck sake I am one of her bridesmaids, I have known her for 8 years.

I walked to the front of the house, looked at them and went inside. They all looked shocked since they didn't know I was listening. I packed my things and drove off, I didn't say a single thing to them before I left but they saw me leave. I decided not to block her on social media so that she can have a chance to explain herself and say sorry. Instead I got a long message saying how selfish I was, making the whole weekend about me and that I am an asshole for abandoning them, since I was the one that drove everyone there.

So am I the asshole for leaving my friends bachelorette party?

EDIT:

Thank you all for the responses. I am obviously not going to be friends with someone like her or participate in her wedding. She has been talking shit about me to our friends, and I have been receiving a lot of shitty messages from them. She told people that I didn't like them drinking and was trying to ruin the night and that I just abandoned them. Keep in mind, they could very easily get from that place with public transport or taxi. Me driving them was me being nice to them.

I have debated about messaging her fiancé and tell him some stuff about her. He is also sober himself (not due to substance abuse but due to health), I don't think he would like what she did to me. Also they had agreed on not having any strippers, which she did have. And when we were out, she was flirting with other people. I think that is one of the reasons why I think she did it, since I said something about it. Maybe I shouldn't have interfered but in my eyes she seemed drunk, and I didn't want her to do something that she would regret.

Still wondering why she misses the old drunk me? I was a shit person when I was drunk. Also the only reason why I told people I don't drink was because people typically don't accept it when you say that you don't like alcohol etc.

The reason why I haven't blocked her yet is because in my experience, it gets under peoples skin more to not be blocked. She has messaged me more since I left, but I can't be asked to read her bullshit. Also I will be making a post on my social media if she doesn't stop spreading lies about me.

Getting sober saved my life. I am forever grateful and happy that I chose sobriety. I have also upped my therapy sessions just in case this makes me spiral.

Comments

Purrfectno

You are SO NTA!! Your so-called-friend is though.

ww2junkie11

Hopefully the so called friend is also down a bridesmaid too!

OOP: Ofc she is down a bridesmaid but maybe also a fiancé if i decide on messaging him. Idk if that is too mean.

DeviantDe

Don't just message him. Post the whole story of the weekend for everyone to see, any evidence she gave you in messages you can screenshot or if you have pictures of anything use it all in the post. Let everyone know who she really is. Then send him the link. He needs all the info he can get so he knows what he's tying himself to. And she'll be less able to spin it that you're lying or bitter or something if you put it out there for everyone to see.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 4 days later

I made a post 4 days ago about how I left my "friends" bachelorette party after they put alcohol in my drink even though I am sober. I thought I would update anyone who is curious on what happened, lets say it was a very eventful 24 hours.

I needed to take a few more days to digest and reflect on everything that happened, I also wanted to talk to my therapist first to see what she thought I should do. We decided on that I should message the fiancé, since if I was him I would want to know same as I would either way have told him about the cheating. I do not condone cheating, and turns out it wasn't the first time she did that.

Here is what I wrote:

"Hi Paul (fake name), I know this might be weird since I'm sure by now you know that I left last weekend but I wanted to talk to you about it. As you know I have been sober for over 1 year now, and while we were at the bachelorette party Olga (fake name) put vodka in my drink. I didn't realise it until I took a sip of it. I had asked them who did it and Fiona (fake name) said she did it on accident. However, when I went outside to smoke I overheard them saying it wasn't an accident and that they did it on purpose, my boyfriend heard the whole thing you can ask him if you don't believe me. I also wanted to let you know that there they did get strippers (and I attached photos of it) and that she was very friendly to some men we met at the club (again attaching photos of her touching the arm of a man at the club). I wanted you to know because I don't find behaviour like that okay and I do not support it. I also wanted you to know that I will not be attending your wedding. I wish you the best."

He saw the message and blocked me a few hours later.

I also decided on confronting her. I am the kind of person who prefers to do things face to face, me messaging her ex was something I did because I felt like it would be weird if I showed up to his place. However, I know where and when she works. I waited outside of her work (which I know is creepy but I know she would not want to do this conversation face to face). I asked her if we could talk and she said yes. This was a 1 hour long conversation so I will summarise it.

I told her how much it hurt me that she spiked my drink on purpose and that I could go to the police with this. I said it was childish of her going to our mutuals spreading lies about me. I told her that she is a coward for not admitting to what she did. And lastly, I told her I did not have any interest being her friend anymore and I will not be attending her wedding. She was very quiet during the conversation, she listened to everything I had to say. She said she was sorry, she felt like ever since I got sober I was boring because all I talk about it sobriety (which I don't do). That me telling her friends I am sober took the attention away from her. That I shouldn't have done that ( I told her before we went that I would tell people that I am sober for health reasons if it were to come up).

I told her that she has every right to feel this way, but it doesn't justify what she did to me. I ended the conversation with that I wish her the best, and I hope she gets the help that she needs. And I left. After this I sent the message to her ex.

I found out that her fiancé did end the relationship and that this isn't the first time she has done something like this. Turns out that she has several times poured alcohol into her fiancé’s drinks (always saying it was an accident) and that she has cheated before. She did bombard me with messages saying how horrible I am, how selfish I am, that I would end my life blah blah blah. I blocked her and she is out of my life now.

I am okay and I had another therapy session today just in case this triggered me.

Thank you to all the people who commented on my last post with advice. Idk why I thought I was The asshole.

Comments

Katarina12312

Rare case on someone on reddit having a shining spine. You did everything right, she wasn't your friend and your life will be better without her in it. You should feel very proud of yourself with how you handle this.

OOP: Years of bullying and abuse made me realise that the only person who can protect me is me. I can't expect other people to do it, I just hope this makes her realise she needs help.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now deleted

Originally posted to

I (F25) went no contact with my family (M54, F50, and M20) when I was 18. Now they are reaching out. What should I do?

Trigger Warnings: favoritism, child neglect, emotional manipulation, infidelity

: June 12, 2024

For whatever reason, my parents didn't want me. Once they had my brother (who we'll call Adam), I was pretty much ignored. They didn't abuse me, but I was pretty neglected. Everything was about Adam and how smart he was or how athletic he was or how he was just the best thing since sliced bread. Then there's me - a pretty average kid who got decent grades, didn't play sports, wasn't super popular, and liked to read books. I can't tell you how many times I heard "why can't you be more like Adam?"

What made me cut off my family was when they didn't attend my high school graduation. Adam had gotten hurt that morning (a sprained ankle, I was eventually told) and our parents rushed him to the ER because he swore up and down he broke his leg. I only got one text from my mom telling me that they would make it up to me with a dinner to some family restaurant I mildly enjoyed.

I was done after that. I had been used to be neglected or forgotten about, but I thought they would at least attend my graduation. I moved out that summer to go live with my cousin (F30) and her wife in Arizona. Then I blocked them and they haven't been in my life since.

My family did try to get into contact with me after I left, but it was mostly just telling me I was a bad daughter and overly sensitive and didn't care about Adam.

Years later, I still don't have any contact with them. I'm now married to my husband John (M26) who loves me and treats me like I matter. We also have a daughter (2F) that I love more than the world itself. I have a close knit group of friends and a job that makes decent money that I enjoy. I'm not saying my life is perfect or a dream or anything, but it's definitely leagues better than my childhood.

Which brings me to last week, when my cousin called to tell me they had a message from my parents and my brother. This isn't anything new, but the message itself was. Instead of the usual blame game, my cousin told me that they wanted to "apologize for everything." With Father's Day coming up, they were hoping I could come down to visit with my family and we could have "a discussion."

I know most people would scream "don't, it's a trap, they want something from you," but I'm not so sure. For one thing, none of them have ever reached out to apologize for anything towards me. But I still have connections to my extended family, so I have info about my parents and Adam from them. None of them are sick or dying and need an organ they're not in debt and need help with finances, my parents aren't hoping to retire and want to be supported, Adam doesn't need help with student loans (scholarship kid) - so it could be genuine.

But at the same time, I don't know if I care enough to have "a discussion." My life has been great without them, so why do I need them now? I wanted them as a kid, but not anymore. However, John says this could be a genuine olive branch since they never apologize.

He might be right. Even if I don't agree to have contact, I might finally get some closure or at least some answers as to why they didn't want me or why Adam was so much better than me. Should I hear them out or just tell my cousin to tell them to go step on Legos? I'll take any advice at this point.

Relevant Comments

trashcat_attaks: From someone who is also NC with immediate family members - I suggest you weigh the cost/benefit…what will it cost YOU? Emotionally, financially, physically? And is it worth the risk? Walk through possible outcomes, best case and worst case scenarios.

For me, if they wanted to apologize and talk, I wouldn’t be willing to take the time and money to fly to them and do it on their terms. They could have sent a letter, right? The answer is yes. Due to the gaslighting and psychological manipulation my family has put me through, I’d want it all in writing.

I’d hear them out but want to “see” it before I even gave it a chance.

OOP: They don't actually have my address, so they couldn't send a letter directly to me. But they could send it to my cousin and she could always give it to me.

mooseplainer: That is something I think you need to determine for yourself. But since you're asking for opinions, my advice is ask them to apologize in writing before you ever agree to a discussion. If they're sincere, they will respect boundaries.

If you need resources, I'd look up audhd_formerteacher on Tik Tok and Instagram. She has a ton of videos about going no contact with her abusive parents and the tactics they use, and often links other NC adults. You may be able to relate!

There are plenty of others, but I happen to follow her so she gets my rec.

OOP: I hadn't considered the writing. I'm so used to my parents wanting to "talk everything out" that I didn't think to just ask for written evidence. A paper trail of some of what they've done would be nice, if only for myself.

SquareHalf4672: I would not contact them. I highly doubt they are remorseful- it’s likely that they want something. You have your family now, husband and child, why allow your parents to say anything?

OOP: If they did want something, I feel like my cousin would have told me or warned me that something was going on them. Yet there aren't any signs that they need anything - other than "have a discussion" with me apparently.

dtjnder1: They want access to your daughter. I would be cautious.

OOP: I thought so that too, but my husband said that if they just wanted access to our daughter, they would have tried to reach when she was born. Unless my brother is suddenly sterile, it's not like they won't get more grandkids.

June 23, 2024

Hey guys. A lot of you gave solid advice on my first post, and I really appreciate it. I did ask my friends for their own advice too, but they had more "bust their kneecaps" school of thought. Funny, but not so helpful at the time.

Anyway, even though a lot of you warned me, I was just too curious to not talk to my family. Still, I told my cousin to tell them that I was not meeting them for Father's Day (I had always intended to reject the idea, I wanted to celebrate John and my FIL for being awesome) and that I wanted to do a Zoom meeting instead.

I was expecting them to pitch a fit, but they agreed. Yesterday, we met on Zoom. I made sure to have the meeting at my cousin's house because my house is my space and I don't like intruders, whether in person or virtual. John was hiding in the room out of sight, and my daughter was with my cousin's wife.

Long story short, my mother is a revolving door and both my parents are idiots.

To make it a longer story, my mother had an affair with my Uncle Rick (M60, my dad's older brother) and caught got after she found out she was pregnant. My dad forgave her and agreed to raise me as his as long as they never did a paternity test. Apparently it was easier to act as my father if he "didn't have confirmation that I was his brother's child."

Spoiler alert: I am not Rick's kid. Unfortunately for me, I have always been my dad's bio-daughter. Rick apparently can't have kids, and my dad only found out on Mother's Day when Rick's wife made a joke about it.

So my parents just resented me all this time because they were convinced I was Rick's child, despite not having proof. It didn't help that I was just so "mediocre" compared to Adam, like how Rick is compared to my dad. What I mean by that is that my dad works has a fancy desk job in a titled position and Rick is just your average truck driver. So clearly that must have meant I couldn't be my father's child. /s

They begged for forgiveness. My mom tried to blame my dad for not taking the test. My dad tried to blame it on my mom for being a truck stop for Rick. But they both wanted me to forgive them because they were sick with regret of how they treated me over a "misunderstanding." They swore up and down that, even if they weren't always there for me, they still loved me and were still my parents and we can be a real family now that the "misunderstanding" was finally cleared up.

Even Adam was pushing hard for it. People asked about our relationship in my last post, but there's not really much to say. He was like a roommate. I was never bullied by him and he didn't really interact with me, though he definitely reveled in our parents' favoritism. Still, they were all very sorry, but I "had to understand why" my parents acted like they did. Now, everyone wants to make it up to me and be part of my life again and be "the best grandparents and uncle they can be" to my daughter.

I obviously told them no. Anyone with eyes could see they just wanted forgiveness to make themselves feel better. I told them that my life was better without them and I didn't need them anymore. They got mad at that and called me heartless and cruel and "a bad daughter" for being so unforgiving and for not being more understanding towards them. Because it was just a "mistake" that I had a shitty childhood and had to play second fiddle to Adam.

I just told them to forget I existed and ended the call. Then I burst into tears, and my husband had to comfort me. Their insults didn't hurt me, even after all this time of no contact; I'm used to that. But all that time feeling like shit and suicidal and wondering what I did to deserve my mistreatment was just a waste. All because my parents were massive douche-canoes with chicken nuggets for brains.

I'm glad I didn't waste money to go see them. I'm also glad I heard them out for my own closure. They're trying to aggressively reach out and contact me, even getting other relatives to do so. I've already got a bunch of emails and texts this morning ranging from pleads to just hear them and insults about being cruel and heartless. I've been ignoring them, because I've washed my hands of my family and will continue to remain in no contact.

So yeah, thank you for all your advice. It meant a lot. :)

Relevant Comments

CustomCarcass: Good riddance. Keep your mind clear and just block them all. Stay healthy OP.

briomio: Some things just aren't forgiveable and a ruined childhood is one of them.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Adept_Advance_4650 posting in r/relationship_advice

 - 2021-11-28 16:13:48

 - 2021-11-28 22:07:02

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, mental illness.

Mood Spoiler: Good for OOP.

Did my girlfriend just try to kill me? What do I do?

So I'm posting this here because I feel like I'm going crazy. Me [20] and my girlfriend [21] have been together for almost a year. We have had a great relationship until this event recently. We're both in college, and we had a Friendsgiving event to go to with our group. It was a pot-luck sort of thing, everyone brings your own dish, I brought mac and cheese and my GF also made some brownies. I'm only mentioning this because it's relevant, but I am deathly allergic to walnuts. My girlfriend knows this, if she gets me food she makes sure there's none in whatever she brings and I usually ask again just in case as a reminder because you would be surprised what has what in it.

Later at the party, I was going to go over to have one, and I asked her to make sure there were no walnuts and she said there weren't. I went ahead and ate one. Then I began to feel a bit dizzy and nauseous. I went over to my GF and mentioned I didn't feel so well, asking again about walnuts or cashews in the brownie and she said no. She said I was fine and to just enjoy the party. Then I realized I was starting to break out into hives and my throat was itching and realized I was having a reaction. At this point, I felt my tongue start to swell up and I could feel my airway getting smaller which is extremely scary as it means I was going into anaphylactic shock. I asked her for my epi-pen (Usually keeps it in her purse when we go places since I don't have a bag) but she said it was in the car and ran out to get it. I used it on myself and had to go to the hospital.

It was really embarrassing because I basically killed the party for everyone, but everyone was just glad I turned out ok. This is where there's a problem. I didn't eat anything at that party except the apple cider and that brownie. I asked my GF about it again and she broke down crying saying she did put them in there as it was "in the recipe" but forgot when I asked. Apparently she remembered after I had to go to the hospital and felt really embarrassed it took so long to remember and didn't want to tell me.

I feel like she's lying to me. She never buys anything or cooks with walnuts (She's said she hates them). But then she puts them in brownies and then "forgets" she did after asking her twice and saying I'm going to eat them? She has known I'm deathly allergic ever since we started dating and I just don't get how she "forgot" twice, especially if she literally made them 2 hours before? The problem is if she did it on purpose that literally makes no sense either. I don't see why she would ever do something like that but I also don't see how it could be an accident.

I'm just very confused and concerned. In all honesty, I really like her but I'm tempted to leave after that because the whole ordeal was very scary and I can't help but blame it on her but I'm also scared I'm overeating and maybe it really was an accident. I'm just not sure.

[Minor update by OOP in the same post]

UPDATE: No I don't believe she's actually trying to kill me. After reading a lot of the comments My best guess is she doubted the severity of my allergy and put the walnuts in the brownies to prove her point in a really stupid way. I'm going to sit down and talk with her and if this is the case, I'm going to break up with her. I called her and said I wanted to talk with her later today.

[RELEVANT COMMENTS]

thefoodhasweeedinit

“If she gets me food she makes sure there’s none in whatever she brings me”

“She told me I was fine and to just enjoy the party”

I’m not trying to encourage jumping to conclusions, but these two quotes are literally counts against her being just simply forgetful. Real sus

OOP: Ya, I agree but purposely feeding them doesn't make alot of sense either. Alot of other commenters point out that some people think others "exaggerate" how allergic they are to certain foods until they see a reaction firsthand. I think I'm just going to sit down and talk with her and ask if that's what it was. If it's true, I'll have to think about whether I want to work past that or not

thefoodhasweeedinit

As someone with celiac disease, an autoimmune disorder that can literally cause me cancer if I eat gluten (wheat, barley, rye) uninhibited, it would be a HUGE breach of trust for someone whom I trust to not take me seriously and put something with wheat in front of me knowing I’ll assume it’s safe because of my relationship with them. I don’t have these expectations of everyone, but I absolutely do for close friends, family and my partner. To make excuses for someone to be forgetful when their obligations to you exceed random people on the street is a life-endangering choice for you. You may look at it differently than me, but I wouldn’t be able to look past someone this close to me having such a lapse of judgment that I could have died.

OOP: No, I agree. Alot of the comments are mentioning "How could you not possibly taste the walnuts" and stuff like that. The reality is I just wasn't really paying attention because I asked her already. There were little crunchy bits in it, but I like crushed peanuts in my brownies (she knows that), and my default wasn't just going to be "oh hey she's lying straight to my face and giving me something that could kill me". If she was just trying to prove a point that is really fucked up and I don't know if I can get past that

Erinn420666

Hey first off don’t feel embarrassed about it! It wasn’t in your control and everyone definitely couldn’t have been bothered by it we’re glad you’re safe.

Tbh I forget sometimes my family or friends are allergic to things and then sometimes am hyper aware they are. It definitely happens but if you were out right asking her I feel like how could you forget especially if you went to the store brought walnuts and had to cut them up or open them and put them in the brownie. Part of me wonders if she didn’t make it. Like was it premade or her mum made it or smth. I don’t think she was planning on killing you but I understand this must’ve been scary

OOP: No she made them homemade that's why it's so confusing. I was at her apartment writing a paper in the other room when she made them. I feel like I could understand forgetting while buying the stuff or making them but then after I asked twice and said I was feeling sick??? Like how does it not click in your head "oh shit I forgot" until I'm literally going into shock? The whole thing is just so confusing

Erinn420666

I don’t mean to sound rude but is she forgetful or lacks common sense else where and this could be why?

Maybe there’s a problem you’re not aware of and it’s time to sit down and talk you don’t have to bring this up at all just ask if somethings wrong as she feels distant and then see if she says there’s an issue. If so then this may be an indication to it being on purpose

Or do you think one of your friends could ask her then spill the information to you incase she admits to it.

OOP: Sometimes she gets a little unreasonable if she's having an episode (She's bipolar) but she's been taking medication and therapy and she's made so much progress. I read another comment and maybe I really am overeating and she didn't mean to

[UPDATE - ALMOST 6H LATER]

Thank you all for offering your input and support, I didn’t expect that many people to respond, and the kind words really helped. After reading over the comments, I believe my girlfriend thought I was exaggerating/faking my allergy and tried “testing” me by purposely putting those walnuts in the brownies. Intentional or not, she almost killed me, and I was never going to be able to get that trust back. Someone who loves me would not do that to me. I called her and asked to talk at her apartment.

When I got there, we sat down and began talking about it. I asked her about what I said above, and she vehemently denied it. I started to re-list off all the stuff that happened and said I don’t believe her. I also mentioned how she’s forgetting that planned or not, she almost killed me. She began going on this weird rant and got angrier and angrier and began calling me crazy for thinking she’s even capable of that. I held my ground and calmly said I still don’t believe her. That’s when she started breaking down and sobbing. She was sitting next to me at the time, and kind of threw herself into my arms. She didn’t even say anything she just sat there and sobbed. I felt bad so I let her.

I told her that I had been thinking, and while I don’t believe her, it almost didn’t matter because now I can never truly feel secure around her knowing she could “forget” something that could literally cost me my life. That was when she began trying to initiate sex with me. I turned her down and told her im breaking up with her before walking out of the room and driving home. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, she knew what she was doing when she tried that. She never admitted to adding the walnuts in on purpose, but the way she acted when she realized I wouldn’t budge almost confirmed it for me.

Still, I really wish she outright admitted it for closure because breaking up with her fucking sucks. I know it’s easy to look at this story and say I’m better off, but I really was happy dating her for almost a year and now I’m completely alone. I’m not sure why she did it or thought it would be worth proving a point. But I guess I just have to be ok with that. Either way, thank you everyone for helping me not let it slide and really standing up for myself, and not giving in to the B.S.

The advice was greatly appreciated.

Any advice on getting over a breakup?

[RELEVANT COMMENTS]

Erinn420666

Congrats dude! The way she reacted is odd. The way she won’t admit to anything but then won’t understand your side of the story to try and clear her story up. Red flag. Also the sex part? Wow. I’m glad for you though!

OOP: Exactly. Instead of trying to come up with a good reason she just got angry and tried blaming me. When I stayed calm and showed her that wasn't gonna work, she starts sobbing uncontrollably. And after that fails... sex? Ya why not I'm sure that'll get me to forget all about it and we can just go on our merry way. Something tells me she's off her medication again. She never acted like that except for her manic episodes. Really sad it to end over something as stupid as a food allergy but I'm not taking the chance.

Gaspa79

Oh I didn't know she was on medication. Maybe this is a good explanation

OOP: Maybe, but I don't think so. She takes the lowest possible dose of Depakote, which is a rapid mood stabilizer. Memory loss isn't one of the symptoms. I thought maybe that's what it was as well but I highly doubt it.

AdoptedSpaceCow

Dude you never mentioned she was bipolar! That could have a lot to do with it since side effects can cause confusion/memory loss and mood swings. (Hence her inability to remember the walnuts and hence her reaction from anger to sadness). Its possible she couldn't give you an answer bc she genuinely cannot remember..... I mean I'm glad you're okay but I hope you didn't just miss out on a possibly good relationship based on those terms :(

OOP: Maybe. And I am really sad to end it and it's hard to. But to quote a comment, "its even harder to breath through anaphylactic shock". Also her trying to manipulate me with sex was just really gross on her part. I'm not going to go into detail, but I was in an abusive relationship where my ex would do terrible shit to me and try to console me with sex "to show how much she loves me and didn't mean it". She knew that and her doing it anyways was an especially low blow. That was the final straw. I do hope if it's her bipolar she's able to get the help and support she needs but it won' be from me. I need to move on.

MagyarCat

Wait, your ex gf is bipolar and on mood stabilizers? Why didn’t you mention this earlier?

OOP: I did mention it in some of the comments, but tbh, it just didn't seem relevant. She started back on them (or she told me she did) about 3 months ago after she blew up and hurt one of her siblings. Since then she's been totally fine and she hasn't mentioned any unwanted side effects except sometimes feeling nauseous after taking it.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for walking out of my engagement party and refusing to answer calls for three days?

Originally posted to

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: bullying, emotional manipulation

  June 18, 2024

** AITA removed the post because it violates the relationship rule.

My (now) ex-boyfriend proposed four days ago. Let's call him Tim. Tim and I have been together for two years. We talked about marriage, (we are both 26) and kids, etc, and till last week I thought I had the perfect love life. Now, Tim has his best friend Mimi (fake name). Tim also has a friend group he is very close to. The problem throughout our relationship was, that Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved. He missed a promotion dinner for my work because Mimi's dog was throwing up. He missed Diwali celebrations with my family because his friends wanted him to help paint their new house. Plus, some issues during his teenage years involving his friends, resulted in his dad threatening to take away his inheritance and distribute it to relatives. For context: His dad introduced us, and till last year, before I left the workplace which I joined straight after college, his dad was my boss. I still see him as a father figure and respect him a lot.

Now, I have outright told Tim that I don't like public proposals. I am very introverted, and having eyes on me during a loving moment will only cause me anxiety. Tim said he understood and promised he wouldn't do one when he proposed. Another thing I told Tim was that Mimi treats me passive-aggressively because I'm kind of an anxious person, (I have mild OCD), and asked him to not involve her in our affairs. Tim said Mimi only wants the best for us. I kind of didn't press the issue after he got defensive.

Thursday, after I entered my flat, I was greeted by all of Tim's friends, with Tim in a suit, and a ring in hand. I kid you not, my flat was swarmed. There were people I didn't even know! Before Tim even said anything Mimi chimed in and said: " Chill OP, dear god, this is not the time to make that face." I saw red. I was having a severe anxiety attack, as I don't do well with lots of people. I calmly told them that there would be no proposal and to get the hell out of my flat. They looked like in shock, so I just left my flat with just my purse, called my best friend on the way and told her to get them out, and just called a car service and sat in the car, crying, for two hours and went to my cabin I brought. I texted my parents, so they wouldn't worry and told them to not take Tim's calls, switched off my phone, and stayed there. Luckily I had enough cash to make a grocery run, and the cabin was used last month. I only switched my phone on when I was calling a car and saw the barrage of calls and texts. I called Tim in the car, and he sounded defeated and kept on apologizing and crying. I told him it was over. Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance.

I now feel that I reacted very badly and could have handled it with grace. I might have let my anxiety take over and overreacted and I cost Tim his money. AITA?

Edit: My ex-bf and I are both Indians. One of the reasons why Tim's dad likes me is that I am from the same culture (though I am not comfortable with this reasoning). I am a lawyer and make enough money to buy and maintain a flat and a cabin. Tim only has access to my flat.

  June 23, 2024

Link to my original post:

Most people in both my previous posts said that it wasn't my fault, and after properly speaking to my family and friends, I realised that I was indeed, not that wrong. The bit about changing the locks, I'll get to that later, but my best- friend (who is staying with me for a few days), said that she checked and everything in my flat was in the right place, so I guess that's one problem less.

People who keep sending me DM's saying it is fake because I own a cabin, I have no answer for that. Yes, I make enough money to live comfortably on my own and also have an extra place that I like to go to alone. And to some really funny gentlemen who have sent me more DM's on how I'd never find a husband if I didn't learn to keep my mouth shut, please eat shit. I don't have the mental space to argue with incels right now.

For the main update, I went and spoke to Tim's dad first. He was very mad at his son. He kept saying that Tim had finally crossed limits with that group and asked me to forgive his son. I respectfully told him that even if I got back with his son, my dad wouldn't approve. Which was true, and I said that, because I knew for Tim's dad, my dad's opinion mattered more. His dad then said that he was deeply sorry and that he would still support me if I needed help in the future. And I decided to take the things he left at my flat to him because I didn't want him over mine ever again.

Tim said he was very sorry, that he hadn't thought I was being genuine about my social anxiety (he has seen me get panic attacks in crowds ), and he thought that his friend's enthusiasm would be a positive thing. I asked him why none of my friends were there, and he said that because I have a very small number of friends, he thought we would have a nice dinner with them to share the news. Not gonna lie, his words hurt, because his friends deserved to be at the proposal but mine didn't because there were only five of them? Tim also mentioned that Mimi didn't like one of my friends because she was a single mom, and it just made me more mad. I told him that he would be better off marrying Mimi because it was quite clear everything in his life was about her. I told him that he was a shit partner and the reason why I wouldn't marry him and his dad is going to cut off his money is because he has let Mimi bully me throughout our relationship and it was Mimi's words that made me leave the proposal. Tim looked very hurt and started apologizing. He also said that he never cheated on me, that he loved me, and he promised to do better. I told him I'd give him a chance if he cut off every one of his friends and moved with me to another city. He started crying at that and said he possibly couldn't live that way and asked me to reconsider. I told him I knew he would never choose me over his 'friends'. And I was feeling very petty, so I told him that Mimi would also never choose him over her successful boyfriend nor would any of his friends choose him over their own families. He told me he was very sorry, and that he would limit contact with them, but I told him there was no way I was going to be with him. I dropped his things, and I wanted to cry because he wouldn't even get up from the sofa or apologize or say that he wouldn't speak to Mimi again. He just turned his face away. I left.

Mimi later came by to my flat and asked if we could talk, so I let her in. My friend says it was a dumb move, but I was working and crying at the same time, so I wasn't thinking much. She said that Tim yelled at her for 'ruining his relationship', and she didn't know what she did wrong. I honestly, had zero energy for her, and just told her if she was done talking to please leave. Mimi said that she just wanted to be there for Tim, and me making his dad cut him off was an awful thing to do. I then asked why she made a comment she knew would piss me off when I was being proposed to. Mimi replied that it was 'a joke' and I shouldn't have taken her seriously. I just asked her to leave, after that. She said she hoped I would be happy in the future, so I guess that was it. All of Tim's friend's numbers are blocked, including Mimi's. I blocked Tim and I'll get the locks changed next week.

I wish I could write something positive here, but alas. Hopefully, there will be no more updates on this.

**RELEVANT COMMENTS **

Responsible-Front900

I think you did the best. But if possible, could you explain these "friends" of your ex better to me? Like is it some kind of friendship relationship where they only stay close to him because he pays for everything for everyone?

OOP

They are friends from school. Mimi included. They are a group of 8-9 people and 2 of them are engaged and one is married. Tim is (technically) the most well-to-do guy in the group, Well, his dad is. Plus, Tim always helps them out. He helps build projects, always sets up decorations at parties himself whenever any of them hosts, and even pays a few of their bills and always gives them gifts. I thought he was a very good man, and very generous, but never did any of that stuff for me. Nor for his dad. He only helps out his friends.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in .

Short, light read!

Mood Spoiler: cute and adorable

Original : April 13, 2024

Hi postal peeps! First off let me thank you for all your hard work every day! Now for my question. I think the mailman who delivers to my office is really cute. He’s just the cutest guy ever. Tall, tatted up and the nicest blue eyes I think I’ve seen! And he looks so damn cute in that uniform too! He’s funny, always has a smile and I believe he’s flirting with me. For example when I’m at the desk when he comes in he always says “It’s the girl with the curls!” He doesn’t have a nickname for any of the other ladies in our office. One of my coworkers says that on days when I’m not there he looks for me. It’s just little things like that.

So, I’d like to ask him if he’d like to meet up for drinks or something one of these Saturday evenings. Would it be weird? Have any of you had a customer ask you out? Is there any type of rule against this? Would you be weirded out if some customer asked you out? Any advice would be much appreciated! And if this post is against some sort of rule I’ll understand! Thanks in advance!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: At least it seems like you’re his age. I only get hit on by women over 70 and women under 19! 😢 Edit: GIRLS under 19, they’re def not women!

OOP: I think he’s mid 20’s to early 30’s, but I’m not sure. And there’s definitely no wedding ring I checked for that!

(to another commenter about the wedding ring): Already checked! The funny thing is I first noticed him around December of last year and he always came in with gloves on so it took until March for him to come in without gloves and so I could see his fingers! 😂

Commenter: I met my wife on my route I’d say go for it she asked me to go out and we’ve been together for about 5 years now

OOP: Oh wow! So this isn’t unusual? I think it’s the uniform! Your story is too cute!

Commenter: go for it. he must be a rare one because most of us are super depressed and dead inside lmao

OOP: That’s so sad! Maybe he hasn’t been working there that long yet?

Commenter: He should be fine with it, I've had customers answer the door with all their bits out.

OOP: That might be awkward at work!

Commenter: How do u guys have time to flirt? I barely have time to eat food

OOP: Well he comes in and if I’m at the desk he says hi and we chat for a little bit.

Commenter: Ask him if he wants to deliver his package to your mailbox

OOP: This was my sister’s advice when I told her about him a few weeks ago.

Update (Same Post): April 14, 2024 (Next Day)

UPDATE: Hi all! Thank you for all the comments and suggestions! (Even the one asshole guy.) I am definitely going to ask him out. I’m going to make him some cookies to thank him for his service and just ask him if he’d like to go out for drinks sometime.

Update : June 23, 2024 (over 2 months later)

Hi postal peeps! It’s the Girl With The Curls here! A lot of you have been commenting on my old posts asking for an update on me and the cute mailman from my job.

We have been dating for a while now and things are going great! We have really hit it off and he even hit it off with my dad who’s not easy to impress.

I’m not sure what else to put in my update but I’ll be happy to answer questions as long as I can. I’m about to leave on a trip today so I might be out of WiFi range here in a few hours.

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: How are you liking his work schedule? It can be hectic.

OOP: Craziest schedule ever! I’ve already learned not to make dinner plans on Saturdays because of all the call offs and he gets stuck working late!

Editor's Note: This is dedicated to my former voice coach/accompanist who I worked with for almost a decade before he ended up becoming a mailman in his 60s! Here's to you Julian. 💜

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in .

Thanks to for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. The NEWEST UPDATE IS 7 DAYS OLD per the rules of this sub. This has not been posted to THIS sub before.

Mood Spoiler: things are looking positive

Original : May 3, 2024

My daughter Ana is 16 years, she was an 'accident' when I was 24, Ana's mother and I were never together as a couple 'cause it was a one-night stand but we have maintained a friendly and healthy co-parenting since she was born and we became good friends.

My daughter's has been living on another continent for a few years with her mother and stepfather, but she wants to comeback because she doesn't feel comfortable there and misses her family and friends, Ana doesn't knows their lenguage well and it's still hard for her to learn it fully so she feels really lonely there since it is different to speak your native language than to make friends by speaking a foreign language from 0.

I spoke with my daughter's mother and we thought it was a good idea to let Ana live with me, her room is now my home office but I can easily put together a room for her again. We didn't confirm anything, I talked to my wife about it first and I was sure that she was going to be okay with that because we literally talked about that possibility before.

The problem is that my wife doesn't want that to happen, my wife and Ana have never been close because they only meet in person for our wedding when I was able to pay a ticket for my daughter to come (That was the last time I saw my daughter in person too, plane tickets are too expensive), but they do tend to talk a little bit when I make video calls with Ana everyday but not too much. Ana also talks to her brother and he likes her a lot even if they just see each other in video call. My wife says Ana is not going to feel comfortable in a house with strangers and I told her that we are literally her family and she said no, she and our toddler are not Ana's family because they barely knows her in person.

It honestly hurts me that she thinks that way but I understand her point of view, altough our toddler IS Ana's brother and it really annoyed me that she said that because our little one really loves his sister even if they just see each other online. I had an argument with my wife about it and I ended up telling her that my daughter will always come first of all, because it's true, for me my children will always come before any other person and she knew very well about my daughter when we married.

My wife got angry and said that bringing Ana home would change how we handle ourselves and that she doesn't want to be a stepmother, she said that Ana lived with her mother in another continent so it's not the same as having her right here everyday. I told her that no one is asking her to be a stepmother because I will be the one who take care of her as always (My daughter used to stay many days and even months with me and I was the one who took care of her, I'm not going to give my wife all the work because I was a 'single father' for a long time and I know how to take care of my daughter. I work, I clean, I cook, I take full care of our son when she works and wants to go out and do something just like she does with me. We both support each other in raising our son, I don't know why many people is so shocked about the fact that I take responsabilidad of my own child) but that if she doesn't respect my daughter's presence in the house and hates it that much then she has all the freedom to go to a hotel room. I was a big idiot because those words obviously ended up really bad and we had a worse argument.

My daughter has every right to live in my house if she wants but my wife doesn't wants that, I really love my wife but my biggest focus is to give the best to my children and I would love to have my princess here after years.

My wife hasn't been talking to me at all and she's very angry, but she does continue with the same stance that she doesn't want Ana here at all and I know i will get angry and we will end up arguing again because I'm not going to leave my daughter alone neither.

Edit: My wife always knew that Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong, that would have meant that Ana would come back to live with me for many days or even months like she always did, my daughter used to come at my house everyday too. My wife agreed with that years ago when we talked about that, but now admits that she thought my daughter was going to stay out of the country with her mother because their business is going really well.

ThrowRA because my daughter uses reddit too. I changed some data to not make it too obvious.

Edit2: Guys, I've been reading the comments non-stop for two hours and I have too much to think about. Thank you very much for the advice, whether bad or good this is helping me to reflect on several things that I did not take into account. But please don't be so harsh because I'm a real person haha

Relevant Comments:

The discussion with his wife:

We had it because she knows that my daughter used to stay in my home before she left the country. My wife says that in her mind my daughter was always going to live with her mother

(to another commenter) She didn't say that when we got married, she said it now. When I told her about that possibility years ago she just said she was okay with it, now she admits that she thought Ana would stay there.

Commenter: If she doesn't change her mind, do you see your marriage lasting?

OOP: To he honest? No, not at all. Even if I love my wife, my daughter no longer feels welcome in her school or comfortable, I don't want her to feel that way here too

Commenter: What are you going to do about the child that you guys share?

OOP: My son would never be homeless, being okay with my wife would be the ideal plan, but if she continues to reject my daughter's presence and we break up, I'm going to make sure I pay her and our son a good place to stay and go for 50/50 custody like I had with Ana or make some kind of cohabitation agreement, I'm going to do the same thing with my son that I did with my daughter which was go see her every day and take care of her, I wouldn't fight with my wife or stress our son out with grown-up stuff.

Like I said, my biggest focus is that my children are well and don't suffer from the decisions of adults. But again, the ideal would be for everything to end well and for everyone to be happy

Commenter: Not picking sides here. But if your wife leaves so does your son. Everyone is screaming put your child first. You may have your daughter full time and your son 50/50. Doubt they would take a toddler away from a woman you say is a wonderful mother. I think the rock and the hard place is a lot harder than you think.

OOP: Yes, I've been thinking about that too. Co-parenting with Ana's mother has always been really easy because we've always been good friends and there was never a fight, but I don't want to think that if I divorce my wife or we break up because of this, I'll have a harder time seeing my son or how the co-parenting would be with her

Commenter: Unless there is something you aren't disclosing about Ana, your wife is of questionable character for not allowing your daughter to live with the family. She is a part of the family whether your wife wants her to be or not.

OOP: I can swear there's nothing I hide about my daughter. She is a good girl and has never had problems with anyone, even at the wedding Ana and my wife got along well. She was a child raised well by me as well as her mother and stepfather

Commenter: Draft up them divorce papers now, hen hand them to her as soon as you catch her abusing your daughter. Have no doubt, you will catch her abusing your daughter.

OOP: My wife is a great mother to our son, I don't think she's going to abuse my daughter at all or I don't want to think so. But I also don't want Ana to be treated like an strangers or my wife to think that my son and my daughter aren't family

Downvoted Commenter (but I liked OOP's response): You've already chosen your daughter as more important than your wife and son. Your marriage is over.

OOP: You've commented this stupidity twice, and not only you're reflecting your own traumas, but you're also taking things for granted that you have no idea about.

You literally jump to the conclusion that I don't love my son just because I spoke well of my daughter.

My children are my top priority before anyone else. (MY DAUGHTER AND MY SON, I literally say in the post, did you read it or did you just decide to throw shit for free?) My children are my biggest priority and always have been, I don't want to tolerate them being rejected even if it's the love of my life. Before I am a husband, I am a father

Literally in several of the comments I mentioned my son, you just decide to ignore them because you want to make me look like I don't love my son.

EDIT: wtf you totally edited your comment and deleted the other? What is wrong with you?

Update 1: May 15, 2024 (12 days later- Originally posted on AITAH but taken down)

(I'm sorry but I decided to delete the post because a weirdo started to just spam my private messages with different accounts and I don't know if I can put the account on private or something like that, I don't use this site too much but a bot started sending me messages asking if I needed help so I think my account could get banned because of that person doing this and I'm too old for this so I just rather post the update here where i can at least close the comments. Guess the post will be here if someone cares)

First of all I want to clarify that I am from a third world country, here it is really expensive to get a plane ticket and if I travel I must do it with my wife and our son too so it is TOO much money that we cannot pay. I let my daughter's mother take her to another country because like every father, I want her to have better life opportunities, I don't think that makes me a bad father but I guess the minds that have always lived in privilege don't understand. The last time I could afford some tickets was for my daughter to come to the wedding. Not all of us have the privilege of paying for a plane flight.

I've been thinking a lot and in fact I'm the AH because of the way I treated my wife, Even if most of the comments agreed with me, I don't think it was right to say that to the woman I love even though I was angry.

I apologized to her for what I said and the way I said it but I told her that I don't like it when she ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I try to talk about our issues and the fact that she denied the familiarity between our son and daughter was just cruel, she apologized for it and said she was angry and said things she regret.

I made it clear to her that Anna is coming because no one can forbid any of my children to live with me, Not only morally, but legally I am totally obligated to give my daughter and son a house, she tried to argue but I asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refuses to let our son live with me just because she didn't sign up for it. I asked her if she would appreciate a man who abandons his children for a woman more than a man who cares about his children, if she would feel confident knowing that she is married to a man who abandons his children that easily.

My wife said no, that obviously she knows how much I care about our children and hates the kind of mans who abandons their kids, that she knew she wanted to have a child with me because she saw how even though my daughter was so far away I made video calls to her every day and we always help each other with things around the house. Then I asked her why she rejects the idea of my daughter being here and she admitted being jealous of Anna, it is something that I have noticed in the past. For example, for one of my daughter's birthday I sent money to her mother to buy her a dress that was quite expensive and my wife just said 'I guess you will buy our son something just as expensive' it was my mistake to let those comments pass and think they were just a weird joke.

She said that she doesn't want my daughter to come and took time away from our son, that bothered me and I told her that if we had two children my time would also be divided and that as a father I can give the same attention to both, Changing our routine doesn't have to be a negative thing and she knows that Ana is not a problem teenager.

We talked a lot And I explained to her that I just want to make everything work for both of us, I apologized if I made her feel bad with the way I treated her, and I told her that I want to really hear what things are bothering her so we can understand each other better, we agreed to have better dialogue and communication about this kind of things. My wife admitted that her jealousy is wrong and feels embarrassed about it but it's how she feels and she feels awful for feeling like that, I told her that feeling isn't right, being jealous of my daughter isn't right and I told her that it would be okay to start going to the psychologist if we want to fix this because I'm not going to leave my daughter live in a place where she doesn't feel loved, my wife accepted after talking about it a lot these days and she wants to work on herself about that because doesn't like feeling like that about a little girl and knows it's wrong.

My wife and daughter always had a nice treatment, when I make video calls with Anna, my wife usually talks a little but not that much, I think my mistake was not offering my wife to make video calls alone with Anna like Anna does with my toddler sometimes. My daughter really likes my wife and calls her 'auntie' even if they don't know each other too well, so I don't want her to know how my wife really feels about her.

I offered my wife to teach her how to play the same video game I play with my daughter so they can play together and get to know each other more, I know Ana would love that! They both have a lot of same intereses, she accepted and said she loves me and wants to try it for me and for our toddler.

If I leave my wife I would be breaking my son's house, he's my baby too and the last thing I want is letting adult matters affect him, I don't want to do that and I love this woman, I want this to work and I'm going to do my part for it but the first moment she treats my daughter badly, I will end things with her and I clarified that to her and she was right with that and promised me to work on this.

I still haven't confirmed anything to Ana's mother about the date on which our daughter can come since I need to fix the room for her first and I want my wife and little girl to get to know each other better, talking about it with my psychologist, he told me that the best thing is always to get them closer little by little before Ana comes to live here. This last four days my wife and Ana have been talking longer and I told Ana that we could teach my wife how to play with us, Ana feels really comfortable talking with my wife and they started talking about random things which I feel out of because I don't understand about the things they talk about, but I'm pretty glad to see that they actually have things to talk about.

I suppose a lot of people are going to call me an idiot for not divorcing my wife because that was what most of the comments told me, but it's not all that simple as "Yeah, we argued so let's get divorced and have 50/50 of custody" And I personally think it's been better for us to have spoken up like mature people instead of just getting divorced. Seeing that my wife has opened up to me and is trying to work things out, I prefer to give this a second chance and hope that she can see my daughter as her friend and even as her family if she allows it to herself. "Your wife is going to treat your daughter badly" No one can read the future to say that but I can work to make that future not happen, in the meantime I prefer to maintain a positive approach since my wife has never behaved badly with my daughter and my daughter knows that if she feels uncomfortable, she knows she can talk about it with her mom, stepdad, or me as we always teach her to talk to us about anything that makes her uncomfortable. Ana has a sharp tongue so I doubt she'll stay quiet if my wife makes any comments that make her uncomfortable.

I'm not going to force them to be bestfriends, I want them both to flow on their own. I'm also not going to use my daughter as a free babysitter as many in the comments suggested as a supposed solution And both she and her brother can live in this house as long as they want.

Edit: In the previous post several people said that my wife also made a post here but it's false, she doesn't use this site

Edit: I don't understand why, but I've been getting a lot of Notifications from that bot from a redditor who thinks I need help and private spam messages from different accounts created literally today. I really don't know who's doing this and I don't understand what's the fun of annoying like that, just block me.

Relevant Comments (from deleted AITAH post):

Commenter: I think this is a mature way to handle it. You're addressing the issue. If your wife doesn't get over her jealousy though - you're gonna have to make a choice.Hopefully, since she took ownership of how awful what she said/did was - she'll become better.

OOP: Yes, I have made it clear to my wife that my decision will always be to protect my children from any person or situation so if her jealousy returns, there will be no third chance.

Commenter: Do you plan on leaving your daughter alone with your wife?

OOP: For now they have video calls with me, if my daughter wants to have video calls only with my wife, then they will have video calls alone. My daughter is smart and has a sharp tongue, if she feels uncomfortable with anything my wife does she will tell me or her mother or stepfather about it.

Commenter: I meant when she comes to stay with you, would you feel comfortable with leaving your wife alone with your daughter?

OOP: If my wife continues to improve her behavior and continues to be open to having a close relationship with my daughter, yes, the ideal is that as I said in the post.

That is precisely the reason why they are making video calls together, so that not only me but also that they feel comfortable with each other when they live together.

Commenter: Just because she's ok doing video calls with your daughter and being nice to her, doesn't mean she's going to be the same when your daughter is in her home, especially when she doesn't want her there.

OOP: And it doesn't mean she'll treat her badly, either. Neither you nor I know the future and we could assume all night about what will happen, I prefer to think about the best for all the members of my family and trust that my wife wants to improve for herself and others with professional help.

Like I said, in the moment my daughter feels uncomfortable I'm going to break up, but I'd rather have a positive approach and think that my wife is going to overcome her inner conflict.

Commenter: He also needs to tell his wife if she feels uncomfortable or if something is wrong she can talk to him also. His wife was not expecting this rightly or wrongly and she will need support to adjust as well.

Yes she is an adult but she needs to know that her husband is also supporting her through this transition because it will be very stressful for all of them.

I personally doubt this is going to work out as happily as he thinks it will. His wife has serious concerns and he has railroaded over every one of them. He has got his way. She now has to deal or leave. I think the leave option is still a big possibility.

OOP: My wife knows she can talk to me about whatever she wants, as I said in the post, she has opened up to me about what she really thinks And we've been having a sincere dialogue.

No one is saying it will be easy, but that's why I'm trying to make everything go slowly so that they both feel comfortable and get to know each other better.

I don't think everything is going to be happy, but I prefer to keep my approach positive.

Update 2: June 23, 2024 (1.5 months from OG post)

I didn't really think about updating again but I remembered that I have the account and I thought "Why not?" since I have free time in this moment while I take care of my toddler.

My daughter and my wife's relationship is going very well, they both make video calls to watch some series together that they both like, they have even started to have inside jokes that I don't understand but I think that's something good although to be honest now I feel a little left out (just joking).

My wife has been going to the psychologist (and me too, I want both of us to get better together) to work on her insecurities and problems because she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all and a few weeks ago she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized, my daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her. I left them talking alone that day so they have privacy and after that they have had a closer bond, my wife said that my daughter told her that she will always respect someone who is sincere and wants to be a better person.

In the previous post many said that I decided to bring my daughter without talking about it with my wife before but that's LITERALLY what I did, I never confirmed anything to the mother of my daughter until I spoke with my wife (I was never the partner of my daughter's mother, Btw. Many comments mentioned her as my ex wife but we were never anything).

The talk about bringing my daughter back was paused because I wanted them to know each other better before living all together but my wife started to talk about how she wants to decorate the bedroom and rejected all my ideas because they're too "boring for a girl" So she's having fun re-decorating the room with our toddler who's really happy to see his sister in person.

We still didn't arranged a date because my daughter's mother have to talk with her high school for the problems there and everything and I have to prepare everything here too but all is going well step by step.

Edit: this is actually a second update but the first one it's on my profile

Editor's Note: OOP commented on the other BORU sub with some more information. I did not look at the formatting or posting on that sub and am only including his clarifying comments:

How can you live somewhere where you can see a psychologist but airfare is expensive?

Here the op (I received a notification of the post), In my country there is something called "obra social" which gives me, my wife and my kids free private health care and therefore also to be able to go to a psychologist for free.

I never said that flights are forbidden expensive but I don't have the privilege of being able to afford them.

Flights are only $1000 to Europe (this commenter is pulling information out of their ass)

You have the privilege of earning in dollars and not having a totally devalued economy, I don't. :)

Here are many people who make less than $250 monthly. My daughter lives in another continent, not Europe.

I don't earn 1000, my salary is less than that and a ticket to where my daughter is would cost me almost three million pesos.

Most of you are probably aware, but for those who are not, in the US election cycle, there is usually a debate between both of the favoured candidates before election time comes around.

Many were also looking for the debate to finally dispel the far right consensus that Biden was 'too old' or had otherwise lost his marbles. The debate was the perfect opportunity to put rumours away for good. Presenting a confident, clear-spoken and passionate Biden that and existed in former debates and speeches would have made everything alright.

This did not occur.

The performance given was an unmitigated disaster to the general public and political pundits alike who were shocked to see two things. One, Trump basically telling nothing but lies going unopposed, and Biden sometimes struggling to form coherent sentences. It was arguably the worst political debate in history. Trump may have not 'won' in the traditional sense, but to an outsider, he came across as more coherent, well-spoken and passionate (even if his statements are mostly bullshit).

If people were concerned about Biden's age affecting his ability to govern, the debates only elevated it from a right-wing talking point to a mainstream political view. While Biden has a stutter, his bizarre facial expresses, sentence mix-ups and occasional visible confusion on stage left many thinking what on earth was going on. Arguably the only time in the debate we got coherent discussion or passion from both candidates is when discussing golf (this is not an SNL skit or made up). The final cherry on top was that Biden had to helped off stage, while Trump casually turned to walk away afterwards. While the debate would never truly change the allegiance of hard Biden or Trump fans, these debates are important for the undecided voters who haven't picked a side.

Reddit hasn't fully recovered from the disappointment, and are now flaunting the idea that Biden should be replaced, something heretical a week ago.

Is it Joever for Biden? Should we swap the candidates? Is this a sign of mental decline or merely a bad day? Have Republicans all but won? Can the Democrats recover? Is this the DNC's fault? Wll there be an RFK surge? Is it Joever? Or will we be Barack?

This post will include many threads from the Redditverse

---------- ‘Oh God Why’: Democratic Elite Panic Over Biden’s Debate Performance ----------

---------- Biden campaign official: He’s not dropping out ----------

---------- After the presidential debate, Joe Biden greeted by his wife Jill Biden while Trump walks off stage ----------

---------- ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡ BIDEN V TRUMP 2024 FIRST DEBATE THHHHHHHHHHUNDERDOME⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡ ----------

---------- Joe Biden holding a "Dark Brandon's Secret Sauce" can before the first 2024 presidential debate ----------

---------- You guys need to stop saying that Biden needs to drop out ----------

---------- First US Presidential General Election Debate of 2024 Between Joe Biden and Donald Trump, Post-Debate Discussion ----------

---------- Jon Stewart Can’t Defend Biden Debate Disaster: ‘This Cannot Be Real Life’ ----------

---------- Anybody watching this train wreck of a debate? ----------

---------- I'm done voting for old people after 2024 ----------

---------- Please VOTE coming Nov ----------

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Thanks to for the rec!

Trigger Warning: verbal abuse; infidelity

Mood Spoiler: sad but OOP will be ok

Original : June 21, 2024

So, here’s the deal. I’ve been dating this guy for about a year now, and things have been mostly great. But the other day, we were chilling on the couch, talking about the future, and he drops this bombshell on me. He says, all casual-like, "I'll marry you if you lose some weight."

I mean, what the actual heck? At first, I laughed it off, thinking he was joking or maybe just being insensitive. But the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. Like, am I just supposed to change myself to fit his idea of the perfect partner? Shouldn’t he love me for who I am?

I’ve always been a little self-conscious about my weight, but I never thought my partner would use it against me like that. Now I’m torn between feeling hurt and wondering if I’m overreacting. I know communication is key in a relationship, but how do I even bring this up without it turning into a huge fight?

So, Reddit, am I the jerk here for feeling upset? Or is it reasonable to expect more from my partner?

Relevant Comments (from OOP's multiple posts):

Commenter: Red flag. Will they divorce you if you gain weight?

OOP: If someone would leave me just for gaining weight, they don't value me for who I am.

Commenter: Yeah red flag. He would just leave you in 25 years for some one your daughters age. If he had said I'm worried about your health cause i want you around for a long time and asked how he could help I might have a different answer

OOP: Yes, I'd feel valued for health concerns, not for weight loss.

Update : June 23, 2024 (2 days later)

First of all, thank you for every comment. I've read them all. Thank you for your advice; it has been a huge help to me. Now, all my questions have been answered, as if God himself has responded to all my inquiries. I'm very sad at the moment, but I will get through this.

First post is here: 

I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, and it completely shattered my world. I stumbled upon his phone accidentally yesterday and saw messages with another girl. It hit me hard because he used to tell me things like "I'll marry you if you lose weight," and when I saw her profile, she was stunningly attractive. It all clicked then - all the red flags I had ignored.

I broke up with him immediately. It hurts like hell, but I know I deserve better. Right now, I'm focusing on loving myself again. It's a painful journey, but I'm grateful to God for helping me see the truth. He didn't abandon me; instead, He guided me to uncover what was hidden.

I'm sharing this because I know many of you have been through similar situations or know someone who has. It's tough, but we have to prioritize our own happiness and self-respect. Trust your instincts and don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

Thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me during this difficult time. GOD bless you all.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I'm concerned about my (30m) wife's (28F) new friend (29F) and am doubting her intentions. Would appreciate your perspective.

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: harassment, predatory behavior

June 20, 2024

I (30M) have been married to my wife Sam (28F) for three years.

About a year ago, we moved to a new city because I was offered a promotion. Sam was hesitant at first but soon came around to the idea.

Since arriving in the city we have both been busy with work and have struggled to make new friends. Around 4 months in Sam told me she had met a new friend Jane (29F) and they had a lot in common. I was happy for her and we planned a double date with Jane and her husband a few weeks later.

At the first dinner, we started to make the usual small talk but I when I tried to engage with Jane, she seemed cold and dismissive. For the rest of the night, I was left to speak to the husband while my wife and Jane were deep in conversation. Everytime I tried to join their chat, Jane started talking to my wife again. The husband never tried to get involved.

I brushed this off as Jane maybe being a bit shy around new people and forgot about it. Over the next month, Sam and Jane would text constantly, have long phone calls at night and meet up a couple of times a week for coffee/lunch. This didn't bother me and I just thought that they were forming a close friendship.

We then went out again for dinner and the same thing happened although Jane spoke to the whole group more this time but she made a number of comments alluding to her being bisexual and her and husband being in some sort of open relationship. When we moved on to a bar, Jane sat across from my wife and started openly flirting with her. She would make suggestive comments, compliment her and use any excuse to make physical contact with her (touching her hands, shoulders etc).

When we got home I made a joke asking Sam if she enjoyed her date with Jane. She looked confused and asked what I meant. I said that Jane had made me a bit uncomfortable with her flirting but she said "that's just how she is". I told her that I wasn't sure Jane just wanted to be friends and asked her to be careful.

For reference, Sam has never shown any real interest in women and as far as I know she is straight. She is also endearingly naive and will always see the best in people.

The texting and calls continued and Sam started going over to Janes apartment at least once a week and wouldn't come home until quite late. I was wary but she would always tell me what they had done/watched etc. After one of these visits, I asked what Jane's husband was up to and was slightly shocked to hear that he was away on a business trip. Apparently he travelled a lot and Jane didn't like being home alone

This came to a boiling point a few weeks ago when I took Jane's husband to play golf. We were supposed to go out for drinks/dinner after with the other two guys but they both had to cancel last minute. On the 10 minute drive back to my house, I could see Jane's husband texting Jane. Jane and Sam were supposed to be going out for shopping and lunch but when we arrived at my place they both look flustered, sitting at opposite ends of the couch. We made awkward small talk for a while but I went into the bedroom I noticed Jane's smart watch sitting by the bed.

They left quickly and I decided it was time to talk to Sam. I casually asked her what she bought at the mall and where they went for lunch. She said they decided to stay home instead because Jane had a headache. I asked her to be honest about what they had done and she swore that they had just chatted all afternoon and they were just friends. I told her I was uncomfortable with a lot of things that have happened but she tried to reassure me.I noticed later that the smart watch was gone but I didn't bring this up to Sam.

Since then there have been no phone calls or messages while I was around and Sam seemed extra loving and attentive. She rarely brought up Jane but last night she mentioned that she was going to a concert with Jane on Saturday then would crash at her place. I said I wasn't comfortable with this and offered to pick her up instead. She got angry and said that I was acting controlling and crazy then went to bed.

We haven't spoken since but am I overreacting here? Should I try to stop her from staying over on Saturday? I think I trust Sam but something is telling me that her relationship with Jane is not just as friends. Should I snoop?

Tldr: wife made a new friend and I am concerned about their close relationship.

June 21, 2024

Many of you were asking for an update so here you go. Original post is in my profile.

After reading your messages and comments my head was a mess. I decided I needed some firm proof that Sam was cheating before I confronted her.

When I got home from work, Sam had made dinner as normal and sat with me while I ate. I acted normally with her and she caught me off guard by apologising for her behaviour the night before. She asked if I was still willing to pick her up or she would even try to find someone selling a ticket if I wanted to come along. I asked her to try to find a ticket and she seemed happy.

The rest of the night was normal and after we went to bed, I couldn't sleep. Around 1 am, Sam was sound asleep so I grabbed her phone and went to the bathroom. I unlocked it (we know each others passcodes) and braced myself.

I knew they texted each other on WhatsApp so I started by trying to find any other messaging apps. I checked everywhere and used the trick someone recommended of looking at the battery usage to see the most used apps. I didn't find anything, Sam is not into social media and doesn't use Instagram, Snapchat etc. I also checked her browser history, emails, photos, call logs, deleted items etc and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

I decided to check WhatsApp next and opened the chat with Jane. I found hundreds of messages, sometimes up to 50 per day between them. Around 99% of them were completely normal talking about TV shows, books, music, recipes, family, day to day life etc. The other 1% that might be a bit suspect included:

• Jane would often bring up "spicy" parts of books and TV shows and want to talk about it. This happened regularly and Sam would engage but not in too much detail.

• one conversation about sex that Jane initiated which came from a scene in a book. She was complaining that her husband is submissive and got quite explicit. Sam shared a bit too much about our sex life but nothing outrageous and she was very complimentary about me. Jane replied she was jealous in a joking way with some emojis.

• Jane casually mentioned that she had a "friend" over a few times when Sam asked what she was up to. Sam's replies were always along the lines of "have fun"

• Jane would complain about her husband a lot and ask about our relationship. Again Sam was complimentary and didn't say anything particularly negative about me.

• Jane sent Sam a link to a sex toy asking for her opinion. Sam replied "oh yeah we have one of those, it's great"

There were no nudes or anything pointing towards them having had sex. Nothing had been deleted. I checked some of the chats with her other friends and they were very similar.

What was most concerning was the way which Jane texted Sam. She would always initiate the conversation and follow up 3-4 times until Sam responded. She would then start calling if she didn't respond. There were also a few messages where Jane's tone changed when Sam wouldn't reply, she would become less friendly and cold.

Also when Jane asked Sam to do something together, there was always a subtle guilt trip added like she didn't want to go alone because of social anxiety, she was scared being home by herself etc.

The messages/calls slowed down in the last few weeks because they were both complaining about being busy and Jane had been out of town.

Even though I didn't find the smoking gun I was looking for, it's clear that Jane and her weird husband are bad news for our marriage.

We will be having a "come to jesus" conversation tonight where I will get the truth because Sam is a terrible liar. If nothing more has happened, I will make it clear that divorce is still on the table if these creeps are not permanently and immediately removed from our lives.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bushiboy1973

Jane is definitely trying to initiate an affair. It often starts with oversharing details and complaints about the relationship, kudos to Sam for not partaking in that. Still, the last post raised some serious red flags, I hope you can have those addressed.

Inner-Chef-1865

In what way does any of the things he uncovered in this update differ from normal girlstalk. I suspect something also but this update shows nothing out of the ordinary.

OOP

They don't and that's what left me a bit confused and frankly wasn't what I was expecting. I'm glad that I didn't find anything too out of pocket, as I said I'm more concerned about the way in which Jane seems to be pursuing Sam.

June 23, 2024

Final update: I'm concerned about my (30m) wife's (28F) new friend (29F) and am doubting her intentions

First of all, my original post was not intended to cover all of the things that led to me being suspicious of Sam's relationship with Jane. There were a number of other factors for example Sam prioritising communicating and spending time with Jane over me, Sam not talking about Jane like she did with her other friends etc. We did talk about most of this at the time because believe it or not, we do have good and regular communication.

Now on to the update. Sam came home on Friday and we sat down to talk after dinner. This was not a big showdown but just a normal conversation that lasted many hours. Here is a summary:

1. Sam originally loved spending time with Jane but it became too intense and weird for her a few months ago. She feels Jane is too needy and controlling but didn't want to lose her only close friend in this city.

2. Sam knows that Jane has a crush on her but made it clear that she was happily married and straight. She should have told me about this but knew that I wouldn't be okay with it.

3. Nothing physical happened between them. Jane tried to initiate physical contact in a playful way and made suggestive comments about Sam, her body etc. Sam shut this down.

4. Sam told me that she wanted to cut down contact with Jane and focus more on our relationship and spending time with a new friend she has made.

As for my concerns, here is Sam's explanation:

Jane's attitude towards me: apparently she doesn't like most men and treats her husband terribly

The flustered/awkward situation when I came home from golf: Jane was showing Sam some "spicy" scenes from a new TV show. They didn't realise we were coming back early and switched the TV off as we came through the door.

The watch: Jane was going to borrow a dress for a wedding and went into our bedroom to try some on. Sam assumes she took it off and when she saw it, she put it in her bag to give it back to her later.

Sam's reaction when I asked her not to crash at Jane's apartment: apparently Jane had planned a "girls night" after and Sam thought she would get angry if she cancelled.

I also told Sam that I snooped on her phone. She was initially angry but understood why I did it and forgave me.

We both apologised to each other and went to bed.

I managed to get a ticket for the concert and went with Sam and Jane last night. Jane made some thinly veiled comments/jokes about me being their chaperone etc but I laughed it off. We met another couple there and I ended up hanging out with the other husband while the ladies danced etc.

Long story short, we are good. I trust my wife and we had a long conversation about boundaries etc.

Thanks to all of you that provided constructive/helpful comments but given the number of insults and offensive messages I've received, I won't be coming to Reddit for advice again any time soon!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Jmovic

"They didn't realise we were coming back early and switched the TV off as we came through the door."

I thought you said that Jane's husband was texting her as you guys were going home from golfing. He didn't tell her you guys were on your way?

Anyway, if you choose to trust her and move past it then good luck. I just hope some truths don't get exposed in the future

OOP

Sam said that Jane never mentioned that we were on our way back. She got startled when she heard the door opening with some dirty scene playing loudly on the TV and quickly switched it off. We spoke about this for about 15 mins and she told me about the show, what scene it was, what she was thinking etc. She was mostly embarrassed because she didn't want to watch it in the first place.

ging78

You do realise that putting this scene on was probably a way to turn your wife on so she can get her in bed. Wouldn't surprise me if she was actually coming onto her as you came home

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

1 update - Short

- 3rd July 2020

- 29th June 2024

AITA for "hiding" money from my husband

I can't use my main account for obvious reasons.

My husband is out of work. He does odd jobs around town to bring in a few hundred dollars a month. I am employed, but the job doesn't pay well. Saving money is hard.

A few months ago we had a bc failure and now we are expecting. Saving money became an even bigger priority for me. My husband seemed to want to spend more because he said my pregnancy was causing him stress and activating his anxiety and depression and partying helped. He says all of that will be over when the baby comes.

Husband received a really generous job offer recently. He decided to use the money I had been saving. He figured he could replace it with the first several paychecks. He never contributed a penny to that savings fund. Husband claims that since we're married it was "our money" and he had every right to it.

The job offer fell through. Husband then admitted he took my money. It took me months to scrape that together and he blew threw it in two weeks. His friends have been telling me that I'm not allowed to be upset because we're married so that money was "marital property". I have also been told that husband needed the money more than I did because it helped him cope and I should just be glad he partied instead of worse. Husband said that he will not touch any future savings for the sake of the baby.

It all came to a head last weekend when husband ran out of cigs. I ended up scrounging together change to buy his packs so he could make it until I got paid. Husband did not believe that I was broke. While I was at work on Monday he went through our apartment to look for any money I may have hidden. He found 20 dollars in a winter coat I had in storage that I had forgotten about. He also logged into my online banking and saw that I had money in my account.

But that money was earmarked for a bill. He called my work twice to yell at me and then chewed me out when I got home. He told me that I am a liar and that I withheld something that he needed. I tried to explain that I had no clue that there was any money in my winter clothing and that the money in my bank account was for a bill. He didn't care.

At least two of his friends have told me that I could have paid the bill a few days late if it meant supporting my husband while he's going through so much. This morning husband told me that since I am a liar and willing to hide things from him that he doesn't feel like he needs to pay back the money that he took until I stop being such an asshole to him. I really wasn't lying. As far as I am concerned bill money is non negotiable. AITA for not telling him about the bill money?

TL;DR version: Husband wanted something to help him cope with all of the things he's going through. I told him that we were broke. I did have some money but it was to pay a bill. Husband says omitting that money makes me a liar and the asshole. AITA?

Comments

Witch_fog

NTA. This guy is a piece of work. Until he can decide you and the baby are a priority, he will never change. If it's possible, move in with family or friends. He has shown you he's selfish. Don't expose your child to this unless he agrees to change or get help. He'll end up taking everything you have.

Smexy-Fish

Info: is your husband literally 8 years old?

OOP: Thirties. He thinks I was punishing him because he had an affair when he first found out I was pregnant. I have been told by friends and family that a lot of guys stray when they first find out. I'm not happy but that's not why I wouldn't let him have the money. I was just taught by my grandma that bills come before anything else.

Evolutioncocktail

I really hope OP leaves. The husband’s logic is insane, he’s gaslighting her, steals from her, and we don’t really know for sure what he’s doing with that money. There is no evidence he’s going to change. Also his friends suck. OP needs to drop them too.

OOP: He's from a southern background and his family is very "boys will be boys." My family is fundamentalist and thinks divorce is a sin. He is constantly telling our mutual friends that he would be lost without me and he doesn't know how he got so lucky to have someone who takes such good care of him. He told someone just yesterday that he would have died years ago without me. That it's proof of what a wonderful mom I'll make.

The only person in my circle who has been actively telling me to leave him is my best friend. She likes to point out how he's talking out of both sides of his mouth. He says she's just trying to start shit. She wanted to start a gofundme for me to replace the money he took so I can leave. I told hare it's his responsibility, not hers.

Mini Update in the comments

OOP: Is one of you a witch? Is there an AITA curse/blessing that I was previously unaware of? My husband partied a little too hard and got himself arrested this morning. Due to previous behaviour he's going to have to sit in jail for a few weeks while they sort things out. You've all given me things to think about and the universe gave me time to mull them over.

ChocoKittie

Take this opportunity to run. You admitted you are unhappy. Why don't you want to be happy?

In a relationship both sides support each other and this man has done nothing for you. He steals your money, embarrasses you at work, and is setting up your child for failure. You won't get this golden opportunity again and you will need all the time you can get to find your own support system since your family has failed to do that.

My husband getting arrested saved my life - 4 years later

I made a post on this account four years ago when things were really bad in my life. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was addicted to drugs. His friends who were all on his side were also doing drugs with him.

Here's my update to that situation: My (now ex) husband was contemplating getting rid of us both. Him getting arrested that weekend in 2020 saved my life. I've gone low contact with my family. My best friend helped me get a new job. I met some people who helped me get a better place. My ex is still wallowing down in the gutter, but at least he didn't take us with him. My daughter was born safe, happy, and loved.

Life isn't perfect, but it's so much better than it used to be.

Comments

Unwanted88

I'm so glad you got out of that incredibly toxic relationship!!!! Good for you and your daughter keep going you rock

Free-Industry701

Good for you, I wish you well my friend!

Separate_Kick3186

Hugs OP. And best of luck for the future.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

For refusing to let my sister move in and take my master bedroom because she had to break her lease?

Thanks to + + for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, mentions of mental health issues, entitlement, past childhood trauma

: June 23, 2024

My (F22) sister (F24) works fly in fly out in the Australian mines (big money) for 5+ she’s had many shared leases with people over the years. She’s struggling to find a roommate at the moment.

About a month ago, we had a casual conversation about the idea of her staying at the place I’m renting with my partner (M24). Important detail, me and my partner have separate rooms as we need our own space and it works for our sleeping schedules. A couple ideas were thrown around, I offered the spare room which is very small and can only fit a bed. She proposed taking my master bedroom and offered to pay more, which means me and my partner would have to share or one of us move into the tiny room. I said I would talk to my partner about this and get back to her.

As of a couple days ago, she told me the landlord is not allowing a second person. For context, I left abruptly from a toxic workplace and now on mental health leave. She straight up texted me, “I don’t want to stress you out more but….. when can I move in lmao”. Told her I would sleep on it, then the next day she texted, “two weeks to move in?”. I had a talk to with my partner and we agreed it’s better if she takes the spare bedroom as she’s 2 weeks on at her mining job and 1 week off. I called her and said she can have the spare bedroom, then she had the audacity to say she’s moving into my master bedroom because and she will pay more. I said absolutely fucking not because the room will be empty for two week at a time. And on top of that she’s unclean and untidy, my worry is she will leave my room disgusting. She did not take this well and said that I agreed to her taking my room (which didn’t happen).

Today she blew up my phone with texts saying I’m petty for not letting her have my room, and that she deserves luxuries. Also she doesn’t want to come home to a tiny room after living in one at work. I’m a young person who is finally living in my own place after being in shitty living situations. Why does she feel entitled to take my room and disrupt my life for her convenience? I know she’s my sister and I understand her situation and feel for her but this can’t be the solution. Am I the asshole?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Dry_Sandwich_860: This is not going to work. You know you'd be crazy to let her move in. Don't do it.

She'll pull this drama every time she wants something. It will create problems in your relationship.

Tell her it's not going to work. She will push back and tell her that the way she's behaving right now is a sign that it can't possibly work. You are on stress leave from work and can't have this at home.

OOP: You’re totally right, she’s being entitled. I do feel bad about setting this boundary even though I shouldn’t.

bythebrook88:

I’m petty for not letting her have my room, and that she deserves luxuries

She may deserve luxuries, but not YOUR luxuries. She can pay for hers elsewhere.

: June 23, 2024 (same day, 11 hours later)

Link to original post:

Thanks for all the comments and validation, really gave me some perspective.

Here’s the update.

Just FYI this is my partner’s account as I don’t have my own.

My sister and I have had a rocky relationship since forever (due to childhood trauma), I’ve cut her off many times due to this kind of disrespect and breaking of boundaries. I’m not perfect myself but I want this relationship to work.

Our phone conversation ended in a screaming match where I stated she will only get the spare room, but she insisted it was unfair because she would pay more money!!

She later texted me a photo of a workmate holding up the middle finger with a text saying “(name) said you are being petty lmao”

I texted back in the fashion many of you suggested.

OP: “Tell him he’s a cunt”

OP: “You’re a guest at my home you’re not taking the master bedroom. That’ll be empty for two weeks”

Sister: “You cannot keep using the excuse "It will be empty for two weeks" How the fuck do you think I've had roommates before and how anyone that does FIFO have roommate before like I'm gonna go live in a small room for my break as Well as going back to work and living a small room again like awesome no luxuries sweet”

OP: “You are not a roommate! I’m doing you a favour by letting you have a roof over your head for a short while, you don’t get “luxuries” when it’s your only option. Also my “luxuries” get taken away in MY home because you say so???. your VERY out of touch with the average full time young adult living in a strangers room because that’s their only option, Absolutely not fair. I finally have something to myself After three years of shit…..”

Sister: “Girl you aren’t the very last and only option lmao your just the easiest”

OP: “Okay then my offer is off the table”

Would I be the asshole if I cut off this bitch off again?

Relevant Comments

natteringly: In the original post, many people advised you to withdraw the offer right away. I'm a bit alarmed to see you continued to negotiate with her... but thankfully she gave you an out, and you were able to take it.

Is there part of the story we're missing here? Has she hosted you in luxurious fashion in the past? Rescued you from a terrible housing situation at the last minute? I just can't understand why she would feel so entitled, and behave so badly, unless she's done you a similar favour in the past.

In any case, it looks like this is resolved. If she continues to harass you and send flying monkeys, by all means block her and them.

OOP: She has done nothing of the sort, I am just a very defeated doormat I guess. I’m currently self reflecting on everything.

Relevant Comments

MissFerne: If you let her in, with her attitude (wanting to take over your home) she will never leave.

Batgirl_1984: NTA. She FAFO and you called her bluff. Go tell her to stay with one of her “many” other options. Deuces! ✌🏻

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for refusing to be my friend’s alibi so he can cheat on his GF?  FINAL UPDATE

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, bullying, mention of depression

  Nov 28, 2023

Throwaway

I (M21) have known my friend Matt (M21) since we started college. We're in the same program and have been roommates since day 1. Overall, I'd say Matt is a great guy; however, he has a terrible tendency to cheat.

Throughout college, I think Matt had 5-7 different girlfriends, and each of those relationships ended because he would cheat. Back in January, he started dating his current girlfriend (Jen F21) and has been with her far longer than any of the previous relationships. From my interactions with Jen, I know she's a wonderful person. She's very polite, beautiful, and clearly devoted to Matt.

For the past few weeks, Matt has also developed a close relationship with his anatomy lab partner (Cindy F21). It's become pretty clear to me and my other housemates (Kyle M21, Robert M22, Omar M20) that there is some romantic relationship between them. We’ve even all met Cindy as she came by our house a few times.

Long story short, Matt has told me and the other guys that things between him and Cindy are moving fairly quickly and that Jen is completely in the dark about this. He told us that, for the foreseeable future, he'll be spending a few nights hanging out at Cindy's place.

Here's the issue: Jen and her roommates don't live that far from us (about a 7-minute walk). So there's a good chance she'll come by looking for him, according to Matt. Therefore, he wants us all to make excuses for his absences and potentially reassure Jen that he isn't up to anything bad.

Kyle and Robert are fully on board with this, as they consider it the "bro code." Omar is fully against this, and while he has not said he'd tell Jen, he has refused to lie for Matt and has been urging him to end things with Cindy.

I would say I'm more neutral. I don't think what Matt's doing is appropriate, but I don't think it's my place to tell Matt how to manage his relationships. I told him that while I wouldn't seek Jen out and tell her what's going on, I wouldn't lie to her either about where he is and instead say “I don't know”.

We all argued about this for a while, and the general gist of things is that Kyle, Robert, and Matt all think I'm being a bit of an ass for not being more cooperative.

Aside from this, I don't think there is really much I can do. Moving to somewhere else is both economically and logistically unfeasible so I think trying to avoid stirring the pot is my best bet

AITA?

  Nov 30, 2023

I’ll start this update by saying Jen found out last night.

Like Matt predicted, she came over to our house Tuesday evening. I saw her pretty quickly since I was also coming back from buying some food. She asked me if I knew where Matt was, and I said I didn’t know (because I genuinely didn’t know at the time). She mentioned how he wasn’t responding to her texts and that she was worried about him, and I felt pretty bad hearing that.

Kyle who were inside, came out at this point and said that Matt was in his anatomy lab and then reassured her that he’d contact her once he was finished. She didn’t seem entirely satisfied with that answer but thanked us anyway and left. Once she was gone, Kyle told me that Matt was actually on a date with Cindy.

Since Matt sometimes brings Cindy over, he’ll text the house group chat before they come over to ensure that Jen isn’t around. He did this on Tuesday night, and Kyle did alert him that Jen had stopped by looking for him, so he stayed over with Cindy on Tuesday night.

Wednesday evening, only Omar and I are home. Kyle was with his own GF, and Robert had an exam. Around 7 pm, we got a text on the group chat from Matt saying he plans on bringing Cindy over around 8:30, and he asked if Jen came by.

I told him that I hadn’t seen her, and things went on as usual. I’ll add that Omar has refused to respond to these specific text messages from Matt, so there was an expectation on me to clarify if Jen was here or not.

A little after 8 pm, Jen comes by with one of her friends (Carlie F21). They asked us where Matt was since Jen hadn’t been seeing him a lot lately. Before I could even say anything, Omar told them to come back after 8:30, and Matt should be home. They left, and I did argue with Omar about his decision to tell them to come back since it was inevitably going to cause drama, but he didn’t care.

I did text Matt and told him about Jen potentially returning, but since he was driving, he didn’t read the message. At this stage, I gave up trying to contact Matt and went up to my room.

A little after 8:30, Matt walked in with Cindy, and not that long afterward, Jen and Carlie returned (Omar let them in). Long story short, there was a lot of Jen yelling and Matt lying and apologizing. I didn’t bother coming down since I could hear it all from my room. After about 10 min of this, Jen and Carlie left.

Matt sent Cindy home after this and was pretty pissed at what happened. I reminded him that I sent text messages (which he now saw), and Omar played dumb, acting like he didn’t see Matt’s message about him asking if Jen was home but confirmed to him that he told Jen to come back after the first time she came because “He didn’t think Matt was dumb enough to go out with Cindy two nights back to back.” Robert and Kyle came home after this point and I filled them in with what happened.

There was definitely some tension in the house this morning as Matt thinks this all could have been avoided had Omar been more helpful. He also partially blames Cindy for wanting to come over so often. Overall, Matt doesn’t really seem to care that Jen found out and broke things off with him. He said that he’ll try apologizing one more time (as he does prefer Jen to Cindy) and if she doesn’t accept, he’ll leave things as they are.

As for Cindy, Matt has already told Kyle, Robert, and me this morning that he plans on ending things with her after the December exam season. He says that he wants to be single again by New Year’s so he can have a fresh start. Kyle and Robert think this is pretty hilarious considering how much trouble he got into to be with her.

Things have ended more smoothly then I thought and I have made it abundantly to Matt to keep me out of his relationship woes.

I have also asked Carlie how Jen was holding up this morning as we share a class together. As expected Jen was very upset about the entire ordeal and she and her friends consider everyone at our house aside from Omar to be complicit and awful.

Quick Update - Kyle texted the group chat, his GF knows and she isn't happy.

  Dec 1, 2023

2nd UPDATE - AITA for refusing to be my friend's alibi so he can cheat on his GF?

I've been receiving a lot of DMs from people wondering how things turned out after the big reveal, so here's a quick recap:

1. Jen did not accept Matt's apology. She has indicated that she, in fact, never wants to see him again.

2. Matt is still with Cindy, and he still plans on breaking up with her after exam season. According to him, Cindy is starting to feel pretty secure now that Matt is no longer with Jen and has expressed her desire to form a serious relationship with him. While he does feel a bit guilty, he thinks it's best for both of them that he ends things with her before New Year’s.

3. Despite “feeling guilty” Matt has attempted to reactivate his Tinder account, but Kyle made him take it down. Kyle thinks it's too soon for Matt to do this since someone we know is bound to see him there, and according to Kyle, Matt needs to play up the angle that he's heartbroken about falling out with Jen.

4. Kyle has smoothed things over with his girlfriend by claiming he had no idea Matt was cheating. Robert backed him up on this and expressed that "nobody aside from Matt knew."

5. While I did plan on telling Carlie the truth about what was going on, considering how quickly Matt, Kyle, and Robert have been moving I opted against this. Instead, I've told Carlie that I also did not know about Matt's cheating. Yes, it's a lie, but since I was against Matt cheating, I don't think it's fair for me to go down with the ship, considering that both Kyle and Robert are getting off relatively scot-free. Apparently, I was convincing enough as Carlie told me that while she herself doesn't think I'm so bad, Jen will need time to process what went down, so it's best to give her space. Again, I get it isn’t the most appropriate measure, but I really don’t think I deserve to be in the splash zone.

6. Omar has expressed his strong disappointment in all of us but at this stage his voice has become ambient noise according to Kyle.

Since I’m fortunately visiting my parents this weekend, I get to be away from the drama and hopefully any potential fallout.

Also, since its relatively earlier we'll have to wait and see if anything else happens. But I hope (pray) the worst is over.

  Dec 14, 2023

3rd Update

For those wondering why I haven't posted another update, I was busy with exams. However, things have largely calmed down.

Omar is doing alright. We're not ostracizing him or anything. All he has is bad exam anxiety (despite consistently getting good marks). We went out to celebrate his birthday a few nights ago, and this did help us all de-stress.

According to Carlie, Jen is still very upset about what happened with Matt; however, fortunately, she's less depressed about it now and feels anger towards Matt more than anything else according to Carlie.

As for Matt himself, he still claims to be on course to dump Cindy sometime in the near future, as he has remained adamant about being single by the new year. Matt and Kyle claim that it is fair considering the role that Cindy played in all of this, but I’m not so sure. Either way, I’ll be staying out of whatever Matt has planned.

Kyle has pretty successfully smoothed things over with his own GF. For a bit, it did look like she wanted to take a break from him since she did hear about him telling Jen that Matt was in his lab instead of with Cindy. She was suspicious, but he did reiterate to her that he had no idea Matt was cheating. Robert helped him with this, and they have successfully put the entire thing on Matt. Matt is OK with this as he does now admit “some responsibility” but he only made this admission after Omar essentially had to spell it out for him.

Aside from this, not much is happening since everyone is mainly focused on their exams.

Dec 22, 2023

So, there have been a few developments since my last post. Before you ask, no, I haven't told Kyle's girlfriend anything for obvious reasons. Firstly, I don't want to ruin my housing situation. Second, it'd be my word against Kyle's, Matt's, and Robert's, so she probably wouldn't believe what I have to say. Also, I've started seeing a new girl myself, and things are going smoothly. Snitching on Kyle would probably ruin that as well.

I asked Omar privately if he was going to blow the whistle on Kyle, but he didn't give me a particularly straightforward answer. He's hard to read, so I don't know what he'll do. Kyle has begged him not to say anything, so we'll see how that holds. I'm guessing Omar has probably already told the girl he likes about the entire situation. They act like a married couple despite not really dating, so if he knows, she probably knows as well, which does put Kyle at some risk of being found out, but this is only speculation and not my problem.

Matt's plan to dump Cindy and be single by the new year has completely fallen apart. As you may recall, Cindy is Matt's lab partner, and the anatomy class they're taking is a full-year course. As Omar so smugly pointed out, Matt wants the anatomy prof to write him a ref letter eventually (since he has done prior research with this prof and is doing well in his class), and if he were to have a conflict with his lab partner, that might spoil the letter.

Omar has been throwing this constantly in Matt's face by saying things like how Matt needs to "pretend to love Cindy even though he isn't capable of love" and how he "can't be a hoe anymore because it will affect his academics." He says all this jokingly, but it is hilarious considering how worked up Matt gets.

Jen and Carlie are doing alright; I saw them before leaving campus the other day, and we spoke briefly. I've heard that Jen is starting to reconnect with her ex (the guy before Matt). Before you ask, she didn’t cheat on this guy with Matt. She got with Matt a few months after she and the guy ended things. Hopefully, she finds happiness there.

Since our winter break has started, we'll all be headed our separate ways for most of the break. I do plan on hanging out with the guys a few times, though for now, as much as I love tea, I need a break from their drama.

  Feb 2, 2024

Unsurprisingly, Matt (M22) has cheated again on his newest "gf" Cindy (F21). I use the term gf loosely because realistically Matt only stayed with Cindy because he needed a recommendation letter from a certain prof and didn't want issues in the class he shared with her. Cindy was essentially a placeholder and since Matt no longer needs that letter (lucky him), he's more or less done with her. He went on quite a tirade about how annoying and clingy she is and again mentioned how he still prefers his previous gf, Jen (F21), to her.

Matt revealed this information, during a completely unrelated conversation, to me (M21) and one of my other roommates, Omar (M21) last night. The two of us had no idea this was going on as Matt has been more secretive about whom he tells his relationship info since the last time he cheated. Our other roommate Kyle (M21) told us that he has known about Matt cheating on Cindy for almost 2 weeks now (he and Matt are besties). I'm not sure if our other roommate Robert, who wasn't here last night when were having this chat, knows about Matt cheating yet again. I didn't bother asking Matt or Kyle if he knew.

Of course, Cindy has no clue that Matt's been unfaithful nor does Kyle's own gf, Olivia (F21), know that Kyle's been essentially helping Matt cheat on Cindy. I kinda knew Olivia wouldn't know for obvious reasons, but I didn't want Kyle to confirm this with me. The only reason I got this confirmation was because Omar stupidly asked Kyle "Does Olivia know?" Realistically, Omar knew damn well that Olivia wouldn't know (she didn't know last time Kyle covered for Matt) but I guess he wanted to burden us with this information for whatever reason.

Omar then asked Matt if he was going to break up with Cindy and Matt only responded by saying "Eventually, yes". I asked Matt what he meant by this and he clarified that he wanted to be done with Cindy by reading week (about 2 weeks away).

For those wondering, I'm still here for 3 more months until my lease is up

Feb 13, 2024

I'm only writing because I've been getting far too many DMs and I just want to address a few things here. Firstly, please stop DMing me.

I've got over 50 in the past few days and more or less they're all the same nonsense.

Second, nobody should expect me to march over to Jen and Carlie's house and tell them and all their other roommates that I knew Matt was cheating on Jen for weeks before he got found out. I have a pretty good reputation and don't want to needlessly damage that. You're free to call it cowardice but I think it's pretty pointless to go talk to Jen since she has largely moved on. I truly hope she's in a better place. Carlie and I still have a few classes together this semester and she generally has a very good opinion of me. We share notes pretty often and I know that telling her would make her disappointed.

Third, nobody in our house has any intentions of telling Cindy that Matt is actively cheating on her. We are all pretty busy dealing with exams, assignments, and interview prep to worry about that. I however told Matt firmly that he needed to stop playing games and at least try and hold down a serious relationship after the Cindy saga ends. He said he would heed my advice, but I don't really believe him.

Fourth, Kyle's gf Olivia doesn't know about how he's helping Matt cheat on Cindy. Omar did tell him that he should probably come clean about that before it bites him in the ass later. Robert on the other hand told Kyle that telling Olivia is "madness" since she may react as if Kyle was the one cheating. Obviously, Matt also doesn't want Kyle to tell Olivia anything.

Lastly, I don't expect Omar to run around spilling tea like most people think. He's got enough on his plate between schoolwork, interviews and prepping for ramadan. However, I will admit there is a small chance the girl he likes (Sara F21) knows about our situation and may tell Olivia. Kyle does worry about that.

  March 14, 2024

The 2nd term at uni is finally starting to wrap up now, I had a few stressful midterms but for the most part, things seem to be calming down a bit. I only have about 1.5 months left on my lease and then I'll be able to leave all my roommate drama in the past as this is our last year of undergrad.

Just a few days ago, Matt told me and the other guys that he had finally dumped Cindy. It came a bit late as I remember him saying something about being done with her by reading week (which ended on Feb/25). He admitted that he kept her along partially for his lab class. Now only a few more lab sessions remain in the term and most of them are independent work according to Matt. Supposedly, Cindy is distraught, though since she knew about Matt's antics beforehand, I hope she had the foresight to mentally prepare for this outcome. At least she doesn't know she was cheated on.

Since dumping Cindy, Matt has started seeing a new girl. So far he claims to like her, but since he's likely going to move this summer (to attend med school), the relationship already has a predetermined expiry date. Omar asked him if the girl knew what she was signing up for and Matt gave a lame answer about not knowing the future and how she might prefer this sort of arrangement. Omar was a bit annoyed by this and told Matt that he was behaving like an asshole.

I agreed with Omar and told Matt that he was probably already lining up potential affair partners. He denied this and said that if things went well enough, he'd be open to trying a long-distance relationship (assuming he moves out of province). All of us called BS on this, even Kyle and Robert.

Speaking of Kyle, he has still not told Olivia about how he's been helping Matt cheat. Olivia is pretty friendly with Omar's so-called future wife, Sara so maybe she tells Olivia, idk. Kyle is worried about this outcome and asked Omar to help with damage control if this does happen. Omar has refused and claims he can't lie since he's fasting these days. He thinks that Kyle should just tell her so that way she'll maybe appreciate the transparency. Robert warned Kyle against this and said that it would probably just create drama and stress for him.

I've been telling my own gf some of what's been going on, and she has expressed to me several times that she doesn't like Matt (or Kyle lol). Between all the papers she writes for her courses and prepping for the LSAT she'll be writing in the late summer, she's got enough to worry about. But she did tell me that she'd like me to be firmer with Matt so I've been calling out his problematic behaviour more often.

The last thing I'll add is that Jen is thankfully in a better place now. Carlie told me that Jen started talking with a new guy a few weeks ago, so hopefully, that works out well for her. Funnily enough, Matt knows this as well and seems bothered by it but there isn't much he can do about it aside from coping I guess.

NEW UPDATE

  June 23, 2024

It has been some time since my last post and many people have been sending me DMs asking me how things regarding the "Matt situation" have played out. I've only been on Reddit sporadically since classes have ended but have decided to give those wondering one final update.

Like I've said before, I never wanted to roll myself into other people's drama. I was a spectator and a lot of the stuff that went down over the past year was not caused by me. Therefore, since summer started I've been largely staying out of people's drama since I no longer live with drama-causing people. However, I still know somewhat about what other people are up to based on social media and just chatting with them from time to time.

Also, since I forgot the password of my original Reddit account, I've started using this one as my main. As such, I've deleted my previous posts as a precaution and will delete this one as well. I will also no longer be responding to any DMs.

Here's just a quick recap of what's been happening since my last post:

I can happily say that after a pretty chaotic school year, things have settled down. We all completed our exams at the end of April, and our lease ended, so the boys and I returned our keys and headed off for a well-deserved summer vacation.

Since then, I've been largely chilling. Undergrad is done Hallelujah and since I've been accepted into med school, this summer has been the most relaxed one I've had since my high school days. Honestly, there are few things in life nicer than waking up whenever you feel like, playing video games late at night, or chilling with friends and not talking about school stuff. I don't have to do any bizarre research about some random ass cytokines or do some weird health volunteering project. I just get to relax and enjoy myself and I'm extremely grateful for that. I also bought a new car which was also exciting.

While I've been largely indulging myself to make sure I'm fully rested for med school, things for my gf things have been a bit more stressful. She's preparing for her LSAT which she's writing in August. I'm sure she'll do fine but nonetheless, she's stressed out. We did travel to Halifax a little while ago so that she could visit some friends and that trip was surprisingly fun.

Kyle and Matt have also gotten into med school and like me have been taking things easy. Matt actually ended up getting into quite a few offers, so he's off to his dream school in late August. Predictably since then, he's been all over Bumble and Hinge. He claims to have evolved past Tinder, but he's still largely up to the same antics. He also swears he start and stay in a commitment relationship once he starts med school, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Kyle and I only got one acceptance but who's counting? All 3 of us are going to different schools.

Kyle seems to have come clean to Olivia about his involvement with Matt cheating on Jen. Olivia and Sara are kinda besties, and Omar tells Sara essentially everything so Kyle was worried Sara would tell Olivia a greatly exaggerated version of events or so he said.

I learned this all from speaking with Robert back in May. Kyle was able to control the narrative and Olivia was upset for a while but decided to look past it since she wanted to maintain that relationship. Also since Kyle's school is out of province, she wanted their transition to long-distance to be smooth.

Omar, unfortunately, was not accepted this cycle, instead, he's pursuing a course-based master's program. I'm sure he'll do well since he's a hard worker and I imagine he'll get med admissions next year. However, right now he's probably dealing with the most drama of any of us but I'll get into that later. Robert is also doing a master's, though it is a thesis-based one. He likes that sort of thing (random ass cytokines), though you couldn't pay me to do something like that.

Carlie is off to med school in the US. She's kinda a high-strung person so she's been stressing a lot about moving there, tuition costs and the general safety of living in the States. We text and talk pretty regularly. Ngl, though I feel like sometimes her anxiety is contagious. Just listening to her vent makes me nervous sometimes lol.

From speaking with her, I was able to learn a lot about the future plans of many of our classmates and friends including Jen. From what Carlie told me, Jen plans on taking the following year off before coming back to school. However, the most interesting thing she's told me was that apparently Omar and Sara are having some sort of relationship issue.

Rumour has it that Sara is getting very frustrated that Omar hasn't proposed to her or something. I didn't think their relationship was that serious since it's not like they really dated or anything, but I digress. Omar doesn't want that sort of responsibility right now while he's still a student and this has made Sara very annoyed.

Ngl, this was probably the most interesting thing I heard in the past few years since Omar is the most reserved person I've ever met. I was curious so I asked Kyle if he knew anything since Olivia and Sara are close and he said that it checked out.

Cindy has essentially fallen off the face of the planet. Some people say she's returning for another year. This would explain why nobody saw her at our recent graduation ceremony. I do know from Matt that she attempted to reach out to him a few times since their breakup but he's ignored all her messages. I do kinda feel bad for her.

Speaking about graduation, it was recent and Matt and Jen actually saw each other face-to-face for the first time in like 6 months. He said "hi" to her and she returned his greeting but didn't speak much after that. I honestly have a lot of respect for Jen, she handled herself with class and composure, unlike Cindy. I still think Matt is a moron for giving up what was clearly a good thing for someone like Cindy.

But yeah, that's how things shaped up. I'm glad undergrad is done and I feel like while situations like this were uncomfortable they made me more mature.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

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I am not the OOP. The OOP is and posting in

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1 update - Medium

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AITA forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband while I work full-time to support the family

Long story short, my husband (37M) used to work to support the family while I (36F) stayed home taking care of our 2 y o daughter. Last month, he lost his job and told me he felt exhausted and wasn't eager to do anything. I said okay and offered to work so he could look after our daughter at home and get some rest until he feels better.

By the way, our daughter goes to daycare, so it's mainly some housework and picking her up. But he said no, he needs his time to be completely free. I got furious because this means either I work while also taking care of our daughter, or our family will face significant financial pressure.

But I stepped back anyway and had a hell of a month doing everything while he hung out with his friends and played PS5. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told him he had to choose between being a househusband or divorce. He chose the first, but it felt forced.

I keep questioning myself: was I too harsh? Any good advice would be appreciated.

Update: I never thought this would draw so much attention. I'm trying to read as many comments as I can and I really appreciate your opinions, especially those pointing out things I should have told him and I didn't. I've decided to show him the post after work and see if we can have a real talk based on that. Again, thank you all.

TL;TR: I told my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband, AITA?

Comments

somethingstrange87

NTA adults with children don't get to have their time "complete free".

bored-panda55

This. NTA. It’s is one thing to not jump back in a job it’s another to ignore your family completely. OP your husband can spend some time your daughter is in daycare to seek out therapy as well.

FoggyDaze415

NTA. You were very reasonable. Bluntly, you don't get to "rest" the way he is when you have a kid. You have to take care of said child.

OOP: You have a point, I didn't get any rest.

langleybcsucks

Actually you had to take care of two children just one was quite a bit larger

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 4 days later

So, I got off work, picked up my daughter, and showed my husband the post after she fell asleep. I told him that millions had seen it and made various points. I admitted that my ultimatum was an impulsive reaction and that I preferred having a calm discussion to work through this. He said he was surprised I shared family matters on Reddit and that he wouldn't have done it.

He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off. I kind of understood because we used to travel a lot before our daughter was born, and life has been harder since then. I told him I wouldn't force him to work and that he could take his time as long as he could pick up our daughter and do the housework. He hesitated but told me not to worry.

I thought this was the end of it. Then, the next day, I came home from work to find his mother there. I was shocked because he hadn't told me anything. She started picking up our daughter and doing the housework. This is driving me crazy because I have never gotten along with her well, and my husband knows this. I feel like he asked her to come so he could continue being childish, disregarding how I feel.

His mother raised him as a single mom, and according to my husband, she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life. He felt suffocated, so he went to a university far from home and reduced contact with her. I remember one time she came and got sick, vomited, and I cleaned up her mess. Suddenly, she asked her son to come and told him that her underwear was dirty and needed to be washed by hand that very night, even though we had a washing machine.

My husband and I had agreed that our marriage was ours and that she wouldn't come and live with us. He broke his promise.

I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while, but these days of living with her are already driving me crazy, and I don't see a quick end. I've thought about being an AH and forcing her to leave, but that might lead to divorce.

I really need some advice. Thank you all.

TL;DR:I (36F) showed my husband (37M) the last post, and we had a talk. Then, without asking me, he invited my mother-in-law to come, even though he knows I’ve never gotten along well with her.

Comments

Open-Incident-3601

The best news is that your daughter is so young that once you get through the transition she will just grow up with you two being divorced. My bio parents divorced when I was two. I have no memories of them ever being together.

OOP: This helps me a lot, thank you for your words.

13surgeries

It's far better for your daughter that you get her out of that unhealthy dynamic. I stayed in my nightmare marriage for the sake of my daughter, and sticking around for the crazy did more damage than taking her and getting the hell out would have. She's grown up now and is in therapy. She's also gone NC with her father. Please don't make my mistake.

Open-Incident-3601

And if you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.

OOP: I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.

parisskent

It happens so easily and subconsciously. ALL of my ex boyfriends are exactly like my dad but my husband is exactly like my step dad.

I emulated the toxic relationship my parents had without realizing it and then when my mom showed me a good husband and father and a healthy relationship, again without trying or realizing it, I found it for myself.

Once I saw her in a good marriage it was jarring when someone was showing red flags because it wasn’t “normal” to me but before all I knew was toxicity so the red flags didn’t look so red they were what I was used to.

OOP: Good point, I'm starting to worry about that my daughter would estimate it unconsciously.

AITAH for asking my mother to live with us to call my wife's bluff after she posted our family matters on Reddit? - 7 days later

I found out my wife posted about our situation on Reddit, so I thought I should share my side too. I lost my job in May and wanted some free time because life after having a baby feels suffocating. I've always been a free spirit, working and traveling, and then I met my wife, J. This lifestyle continued, and we traveled a lot, from Tibet to Antarctica. I was a seller, and she had a great business selling replica bags, making enough for us to enjoy our lives. We hit it off, got married, and had a great time together. We even considered being child-free and consulted an older couple on an Antarctic cruise, whose happiness convinced me this could be our future.

The thing is, my mom really wanted a grandchild. At the time, I didn't think much of it and felt it wasn't a big deal, so I discussed it with my wife, and we decided to go ahead. Her pregnancy was tough; she had severe morning sickness, and I felt really sorry for her. After the baby was born, she wanted to focus on the baby, and I agreed to hold the family burden alone. Life then became all about work, with no more traveling or other interesting stuff. So last month, I had enough. No more working, no more baby duties, and we agreed to give me a trial break. The past month was quite healing until one day she got mad and suddenly gave me an ultimatum of divorce.

I didn't want a divorce, so I started doing housework, which I wasn't prepared for. Then last week, my wife came home and asked me to talk, showing me her post about us in this sub. She said millions of people had read it and called me an immature AH. I was pretty upset and asked my mother to help with the housework so my wife would be relieved and, to be honest, to call her bluff. She's not happy, of course, and neither am I. We've barely talked since then, kind of a cold fight. These days, I've caught her several times watching her phone for a long time and sometimes crying. I believe she posted about us again, and I've been waiting for her to talk even though I wanted to start the conversation but got cold feet feeling the tension in the family. Writing this is easier.

So here I am, Reddit. This is my first and last post about it. I just want to share my side of the story. And J, if you see this, I'm ready to talk anytime.

Comments

doug5209

YTA, but if you ever figure out how to quit your job, travel the world, and be a responsible parent, please let the rest of us know.

Husband:

I didn't see this, I might have crossed a little bit.

Alienz_Cat

YTA. I read your wife’s post earlier today. After you stopped working, you both sat down and she agreed to you taking a month off. No housekeeping, no baby duties. She did all of that on top of working full time. At the end of that time, you are still not ready to go back to work, but she can’t do it all and keep carrying that load so she asks you to be a stay at home dad (kid goes to daycare) and take care of some of the household stuff. You say no. She’s exhausted. Remember she has carried your baby for 9 months and is now back at work full time, plus taking in all household and family responsibilities. I believe you are playing games online and hanging with friends?

Now you claim you brought you mum, whom you’ve both been very LC with into the home, to do all the day care and household chores and you wonder why she is upset? Seriously???

Get off you ass and step up to the plate. Being home and caring for a child plus household tasks is still work, but it’s not deadlines and traffic jams. She’s asking you to step up for her like she did for you. If you can’t see that and still think she needs to learn a lesson, your marriage is over. If you came here thinking we’d back you like you did her, you are mistaken. You really need to go for a long walk and consider this from an emotionally mature perspective. You are so far off track, you’re about to walk off a cliff and can’t see it.

Specialist-Rope7419

A bit? You jumped over state lines with your selfishness, laziness, and uselessness.

Boo hoo. 2 years. You think being a parent stops ar 18 or you get breaks? You don't. You get no breaks. Even the times you are sleeping on the floor in the ER in your child's room because they are injured. Get over yourself.

justalwayscurious

YTA - Anyone else catching how he's trying to blame his mother for HIS decision to have a child?

And I love how he calls abandoning his wife and child a 'trial break'. Sorry life doesn't work like a Netflix account, you can't just suspend it because you're a selfish adult that can't handle responsibility.

Also your lack of foresight is staggering. You thought you would still be able travel after having a child, you thought your pretending reality doesn't exist wouldn't burn out your wife who just gave birth to the point she wants a divorce and you thought calling your mom to do your work wouldn't upset your wife who is looking for a partner on her level, not a man child who uses their mom to escape accountability?

I hope your wife finds this post as the final nail in the coffin to divorce you and that she gets enough child support from you to ensure she gets the actual help she needs to raise the child.

Update: My husband made a post to explain himself instead of approaching me, and a user DM'd me the link - a few hours later

I've been hesitating because we had a great time, and I have been loving you;

I didn't talk to you these days because I wanted to see if you would send your mother home and talk.

I update now because, as you said in the post, I see you and want everyone, especially those who told me you might have been depressed, to see you.

I can't believe you'd rather defend yourself on Reddit than talk to me face to face. If that's how it is, let's do this.

Comments

Bubblynoonaa

Divorce. Don’t be a single parent in a relationship. I’ve been there I’ve done that and now he barely sees his kids just on the weekends. It’s so much easier to truly do everything ALONE than to do everything alone KNOWING someone else is there to help but they just won’t. It’s emotionally exhausting and will be a hell of a load off your shoulders

Cocomelon3216

Just read his post, unbelievable he feels suffocated because he worked for two years so now he wants an extended break with no responsibilities, not even household chores or picking up his child from daycare. Because an entire month off wasn't enough.

He's incredibly immature and isn't ready to be a husband or a father. It's a pity this didn't come to light until after you already had a child with him.

At the moment, you are working and looking after two children. Get rid of the adult sized one and your life will be better.

writing_mm_romance

He's showing you who he is...it's not all about him anymore, so he is finding ways to get attention. That attention seeking behavior will eventually tear you apart, if it hasn't already.

OOP: This! Exactly how I have been feeling after I saw his post.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

**I am NOT OOP. That is  . She posted in r/relationship_advice.

The was posted by on July 18, 2023

Trigger Warning: domestic violence

Mood Spoiler: starts scary, but OOP made the right choice and is now in a much better place

: May 15, 2023

My boyfriend (33m) quit his job last year without telling me. I only found out 2 days before the rent was due (we split everything 50/50) when I asked him for his part of the rent. When I asked, he simply told me he quit because he was tired of working at that place. Since then, I’ve been paying for everything, including rent, food, gas, bills, and anything he needs. I had to work 2 jobs while going to school for a while, it was hard. But I finally finished school couple months ago and I found my dream job. I make enough to live comfortably, even take care of my bf and still have money for saving. However, I still want him to get a job to support himself because I think as an adult, he needs a job. But I feel like he rely on me too much and he thinks since my job pays well, he doesn’t have any reason to work. He always say things like “you make good money now so maybe you could buy me my dream car” or “you should open a business for me to run”.

It bothers me a lot. I don’t mind supporting my partner financially if there’s a legit reason that prevent him from working, but it’s not the case. He spends most of his time playing games, meeting up with friends, or just at home watching movies. I still have to do all the chores and take care of our dogs. His family thinks that he’s been woking to take care of me so that I can finish school, which is not true. Now they think I was able to finish school and got a good job all because of him. I don’t even want to explain to them. I just want him to get a job and have a future. When I tried to talk to him, he told me I’m not supportive and now that I have a good job, I look down on him.

What should I do? Is it even worth it to try to talk some sense into him? I don’t want to start dating at this age but I feel like I can’t keep doing this.

Edit: some people pointed out “quit”, not “quitted” so I edit to correct that. Sorry, I can’t change the title. English is my 2nd language, so I still make mistake here and there. Thank you for the correction (editor's note- I fixed that in the title of this post.)

Edit 2: (Next Day)

wow, I didn’t expect this many comments. I can’t reply to everyone, but I did read all the comments and I really appreciate it.

Many people have asked why him? why I stay for years? what did I see in him? So I just want to answer it here.

We started off pretty normal. We split everything 50/50, and I had no problem with that. But throughout the years, he started showing his true self. I was in school and school was the most important thing to me at that point, so I invested all my time and energy into it. I was in a PhD program, so I had stipend (around 30k/yr), which was enough for myself but not for 2 people. After he quit his job, I was very stressed out but I had to focus on school and tried to do everything I could to survive. I didn’t have time to really think about my personal life and I also didn’t want to go through any changes in life, so I just let it be. In addition, he guild trips me a lot, so I feel bad for him.

But now that I have a stable job, I have time to really think about my future, I don’t see myself being with him long term. I don’t think it would be as easy as “hey, let’s break up” because I know he wouldn’t let it go that easy. But I’ll start planning to get out, maybe ask some friends for support. His name is not on the lease, so I’ll stay where I am and he’ll have to move.

Relevant Comments:

:

You worked two jobs while in school to support someone who happily sits on their ass not contributing. Not even cleaning or caring for the pets.

Why?

Why have you accepted this?

And the worst part is he lets his family think that he’s supporting you. So he actually has enough sense to know that what he’s doing is frowned up.

You don’t want to start dating at “this age”? You mean 31? So you’d rather be 31 taking care of a stay at home boyfriend who contributes literally nothing? How is that a better outlook at 31.

:

I think it’s because I was too busy figuring my life out and trying to do everything I could to survive. All I did was working and going to school, I didn’t really have time to think about my personal life. Now that I have a stable job, I have time to think about my life more and yea, I need to end this and take care of myself. Tbh, I’m not even sure how to date anymore but I guess I’ll try and hopefully able to find someone

(Next day):

I will have a talk with him this afternoon to tell him it’s time to end things and he needs to move out. He will probably give me the “my life is miserable” talk, again. But I think reading all these comments makes me realize I should feel bad for myself and not for him.

I’m sure once he moves back to live with his family, they will reach out to me to tell me how good he has been treating me, and how he helped me through school (they’ve done this before when I told them things weren’t working for us). I will tell them everything this time.

:

You were in a PhD program. You are intellectually smart, apply that to your emotional and financial intelligence.

If you were a classmate when this happened, I can tell you the other grad students would ask why are you were still with him after a grace period of a couple of months.

Leave and rebuild your life.

:

I haven’t told any of my family and friends about the situation because I’m kinda ashamed of it. My friends would probably think I can’t be this stupid. But 2 of my very close friends did tell me that I deserve better, just based on the way he treats me in front of them.

I will have a talk with him this afternoon, and a couple of my friends will be waiting outside, in case he gets physical or refuses to leave. Wish me luck!

: July 12, 2023 (2 months later)

It’s been 2 months since I posted about my situation on this sub and I just want to give you an update of how things went after I made that post. Before I go into the details, I just want to say I really appreciate everyone here. After I resolved everything, I occasionally would go back to my original post and read the comments to remind myself that I’ve done the right thing.

After posting on here, I went home from work that day and asked my friends to come over but stay in the parking lot while I sort things out with my now ex bf. Before I could even start the conversation, he told me his friend got a new car recently and how I should get him a car since I can afford it. I got really upset and told him he could’ve got himself a car if he was working. I told him how stressful it has been for me with him not working and fully relying on me. He started the “my life is already miserable and you’re not being supportive” talk. I was sick of it. So I said I wanted to end things here and he needs to move out asap. As expected, he got upset and threw a tantrum. He was yelling, throwing stuff around, and when he realized I was being dead serious, he started threatening to hit and kill my dogs. I jumped in between him and the dogs to stop him from harming them. Then he pushed me, and grabbed me by my neck. I was able to get him off of me, put the dogs into a room, and called my friends to tell them come in and call the police. He was trying to hit me but my friends got there in time. I think he got scared when he saw my friends showed up, so he backed down but still verbally telling them to get out of the way or he would hit them too. The police came. They took him away and told me he wouldn’t be able to come into the apartment anymore. He had to move but would need to be escorted by the police if he wants to grab his stuff later.

It was a horrible experience, but it showed me that I’ve done the right thing. I thought that was the end of everything. But his aunty called me when she found out, and tried to gaslight me saying that he didn’t do anything wrong and I was just upset so I called the police. I told myself that I no longer have to deal with these bullshit, so I told her to leave me alone and hung up. His family would continue to harass me but stopped when I threaten to report to the police.

I continue to pay the rent and bills like how I’ve always been doing. The only thing that’ve changed is I’m now so much happier. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in years. I just got a promotion last week. I’ve been spending time enjoying life (with the extra money I have since I no longer having to pay for his expenses). As for my ex, he’s moved in with his aunt. I got a protection order so we are not in contact at all.

Relevant Comments:

Many people congratulate OOP and wish her well.

OOP responds:

"Thank you! It feels great to wake up in the morning and don’t have to worry about what kind of crap is he going to give me today. And omg the extra saving that I have since I’m not longer financially responsible for a full grown adult"

"Thank you! I’ve realized that all the uncertainties that I had before really don’t mean anything. My life is only getting better and I’ve received all the support I need from friends and family and people on Reddit too"

:

How long were you in that relationship?

:

I was in that relationship for 8yrs

:

I hope you changed the locks! And why didn't you tell his family about his refusal to work? I hate that they think of him as the victim now, and that you used him to finance your studies and then dropped him.

:

I haven’t mentioned this, but his family is the type of people who it doesn’t matter what he does, he’s always right to them. I knew even if I tell them that he refused to work, his family would still defend him and make excuses for his behavior (it has happened with other things before). But his family can take care of him all they want now

I didn’t put this in the post because I didn’t want the post to get too long but when his aunty first called me, she told me if I kick him out he wouldn’t have anywhere to stay because she couldn’t let him stay with her. I knew she was just saying that so that I feel bad and wouldn’t kick him out. So I told her it’s none of my business and he needs to figure it out himself. Guess what?!? He moved right into his aunt’s house after he was released

:

OP will you be able to move? Given he seems unhinged, what are the chances of him coming back in a later date. he already has escalated to violence and seems like he has gotten his rotten morals from his family who enables him and may do the same (I read way too much RA and Boru hearing how bad things escalates)

I hope you are able to do the following:

* Filing a restraining order and documenting all instances of the abuse that has escalated

* Consider moving and keep the information where you move to the downlow. Plus a change of place may do wonders for your mental health.

* Invest in a ring doorbell cam. Its for your safety and the dogs

* Alert your rental/apt or property that he is not allwed unless on a scheduled time to pick up his stuff

* Find a safe space for you and your animals, in case he escalates again. Anyone who has gone to his manic level of harming you and animals will repeat until they find another obsession. he is an abuser and he's at the stage he lost control and is going berserk but may also be bidding his time

Better be overly cautious than not. I hope you be fully free of him

:

I’m planning to move to a new place soon, and it’s nicer, and closer to my work too (since I can now afford it with the extra money I have). I have no doubt he’s capable of harming me and I’m honestly not sure if he would leave me alone. I’m considering filing a restraining order against his family also, because even though they’ve stopped coming to my place to try to gaslight and guilt trip me, they still try to call me sometimes (with different number since I blocked their numbers already)

I just ordered a ring camera and I’m also going to move to a new place soon. He doesn’t even know where I work because he didn’t care. He’d never taken me to work or even asked what company I work for. He only asked about my salary when I told him I got a new job. I was sad that he didn’t care but now I’m glad that he doesn’t know much about me besides where I live

:

I hope you read this and seriously consider it. We are attracted to what is normal to us, not necessarily what is good for us. You need to spend some time with a therapist unpacking what in your past taught you to accept being used. Women, especially, are often taught to be people pleasers, even to the point of their own detriment. I hope you spend some time re-wiring yourself to only accept respectful, loving treatment. My heart breaks that you went through this. I sincerely wish you well

:

I’m spending a lot of time taking care of myself. I have had a couple therapy sessions in the past couple weeks. The whole incident was traumatizing to me. I’m a lot happier but still need lots of time to heal

June 20, 2024

It’s been a year since I called the police on my ex bf after he hurt me and threatened to hurt my dogs. I hope the same thing doesn’t happen to anyone, but if you’re currently in a similar relationship, I hope this post will help you realize good things will come after to stand up for yourself.

After my ex was taken by the police, I dealt with some harassment from his family but they eventually left me alone. I moved closer to my job and basically a different city that’s 30mins away from my old apartment. I took sometime to heal, and went on vacations by myself, it was great. I finally look forward to coming home and spend time with my dogs (one of them passed away from cancer couple months ago). About 6 months after the incident, I met someone. He’s a great person and for the first time in a long time, someone treats me with love and respect. I’m very happy at the moment. I’ve learnt to set boundaries and expectations early on to avoid being in the same situation again.

Now to my ex’s case. Yesterday, I got a call from the prosecutor office. To be honest, I totally forgot about the case and I thought there’s nothing else to follow up on. But they called to inform me that they’ll be pressing charges and asked if I would be okay to testify. I said yes. It’ll be hard for me to go to court and talk about the incident if he’s right there, because even though I’ve completely moved on with my life, I can still feel the fear when I heard about the case. I’m somewhat still traumatized by the whole thing. But I think he needs to be responsible for his actions, especially after his aunty tried to defend his actions by blaming me.

It really sucks that I have to go through all of that to end a toxic and abusive relationship, but I got out somewhat safely and I can’t imagine what my life would be if I stayed. It was a hard time, but it’s worth it. Things are definitely better and I’m surrounded by people who truly love me and appreciate me. Simple and little things in life truly make me happy. Like how my bf got me bubble tea and prepared dinner for me when I had a hard day at work last week. I can’t believe just more than a year ago, I thought a day without an argument was already a good day.

Relevant Comments:

Commenters were overwhelmingly proud and supportive of OOP in leaving and encouraged her to testify against her ex. Here are a sampling of those comments:

:

Good for you leaving that toxic situation. The exact thing happened to me last year as well. I was in a relationship with a toxic ex and I finally stood up for myself and ended the relationship. We had to love together until we figured out the living situation since unfortunately both our names were on the lease. The way I got out was by calling the police after he swung a sound bar at me. I'm still traumatized about it to this day, I'm in therapy for the things he did and said to me. He plead guilty which I'm so glad that this nightmarish chapter can finally be over.

:

I’m glad you were able to get out before things got worse. It’s a very traumatizing experience but therapy does help. I hope you have a good support system and are around people who cares about you and understand your experience.

:

You may want to reach out to the victim advocate and see if the prosecutors office (or anyone else affiliated with the court) has an emotional support dog that you can have with you when you testify. I was pleasantly surprised that a small county near me had that for a person I work with when she had to testify against a family member. It helped her feel more calm and protected going into testifying.

Editor's Note: As I was compiling this, I observed on OOP's account she not only has spent the last year posting about her progress, but she has commented encouragement, advice, and shared her story to many others.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.