Stories & Confessions

I (36F) am a neurologist and I absolutely love my patients and my job. I believe there is no greater honor in life than being able to help others. The road to my medical degree was not easy, and it was paved with many rejections. I was a troubled teen in high school and I didn’t get accepted into any colleges my senior year. I had to work my way up starting with remedial classes at my local community college. When I finally got into medical school at 26 I was absolutely thrilled.

I met my husband (37M) in my third year of medical school, we have been married for four years now. My husband works in marketing, and I make three times his salary. From the beginning of our relationship, I was very upfront that I was unsure about having biological children. My dream was always to adopt from foster care and my husband seemingly understood this.

However, after his be friend had a baby boy last year, he began to really press me on having children. I was initially very against this idea because I was just beginning my career, I wanted to wait a few more years before revisiting the topic of children. In August of last year I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant due to a condom breaking during sex.

I was initially considering an abortion, but after many heartfelt conversations with my husband, we decided to keep the baby, and he would quit his job and stay home until our daughter was old enough to start preschool.

There were several factors that went into our decision to have him stay home with our daughter:

-I make significantly more money than him, so financially it just made more sense.

-I am in the first few years of my career as an attending physician. After 4 years of med school and a 4 year residency, I am just starting to practice on my own, whereas my husband has been in his career for 15 years.

-I was very clear i had absolutely ZERO desire to stay home and be a housewife. I respect stay at home mothers but my work is my life, and I would go crazy at home all day. This just isn’t a lifestyle I want whatsoever.

-Finally, I am not comfortable putting my child in daycare until she is old enough to express herself verbally. As a victim of a molestation when I was young, I just do not trust people enough to leave my daughter in the hands of strangers when she would be unable to report abuse/neglect.

Our daughter is 9 weeks old today and I am preparing to return to my practice in a few weeks. This weekend, I left my husband alone with our daughter while I attended a medical conference out of state. The conference was amazing but when I returned home, my husband began acting weird.

Today when our daughter was napping, I pressed him to tell me what was wrong. He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone and overwhelmed he felt all weekend. He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back. This made me freak out, and I asked “Well what will we do with our daughter now?!” He responded by suggesting I leave my practice and work from home. I said absolutely not, and he suggested daycare.

At this point I just lost my shit and screamed “If i knew you were going to back out of your promise to take care of our daughter, I would have NEVER had your child”.

I know I completely overreacted and I would never trade our daughter for anything, I love her so much. But I am so upset with my husband and I’m not sure how to move forward at this point.

My wife(25F) and I (27M) have had our were having a great married life.We were planning for kids and starting a family.She has got a sister who has a good sense of humour so in family gatherings we laugh and joke alot and her daughter is a cute little girl the girl doesnt have a father and I always feel bad for her thus I play video games with her many times.

In a recent family gathering where I didn't go cause I had a meeting.I received a call from my wife she was extremely angry and asked me to get to her parents home like it was a do or die situation.So I talked to my boss lied to him that I got a medical emergency and left.

When I reached her home she was crying and as soon as she saw me she and her parents just went ballistic they started yelling at me cussing me and calling me names and they accused me of cheating her with her sister which I thought was baseless and so I asked them why they think like that and then she shows me a drawing made by her sister's daughter in which I and my wife's sister are kissing and my wife goes by the logic that the girl drew what she saw.

i tried to give reason ny saying that The kid is around 6 7 years old the reason behind that drawing could be anything. And they again said preety nasty stuff to me.So I told them to just go and ask the kid why see drew that.

They go ask her and the kid says she drew It because she wanted my wife's sister and me to be together when my wife ask the kid that if she had seen us doing it he said no.

I was angry on my wife because why wouldn't she have trust on me.why was her trust so low that a drawing made her feel threatened and there words damaged me too.It has been 1 week now And I have been rejecting her romantic advances and today she said that I was overacting and i an c*nt. AITAH

I (28 female) invited my sister (40 female) and my niece (17 female) over for a pool party that my husband and I were hosting. We had a few friends over and many brought their kids. For background my husband and I don’t have kids and are undecided on whether or not we want any but always find something for us to do where our friends who do have kids feel included. Although we keep things pretty kid friendly, we still always serve alcohol at our get togethers. Nothing too crazy, just some beers and seltzers. My sister wasn’t able to stay for long as she had work later in the night. I told her since her 17 year old and her 12 year old were having fun that they could stay the night and I would take them home in the morning. She let them stay and about two hours later my 17 year old niece tells me her mom wants her home and to look for a ride from someone else because I was drinking (I had only one drink earlier that day while setting up for the party hours ago). I let the girls leave with my friend since they lived in the same neighborhood. I texted my sister and confronted her why she asked the girls to look for a ride home. She then told me that my 17 year old niece told both her parents that everyone at the party was smoking weed, getting drunk and offering her both those substances! That she felt too uncomfortable to stay. It was a small get together of around 15 adults and their kids, nobody was smoking and absolutely NOBODY offered her anything. Most of my friends had watched her and her siblings growing up, so it wasn’t like they were strangers to my sister or her kids either. Everyone there had their kids or work in respectful positions, including myself, I work in law enforcement and something like that rumor could cost me my job or even one of my guest’s jobs or kids! My sister then told me that she doesn’t think what her daughter said was untrue and that my niece even told her that my friends and I did nothing but talk bad about my sister behind her back after she left. Again, another lie. My brother in law then became involved and told me that it was no place for him to say who is saying the truth as everything was all “he said she said”. And that he’s sorry that I’m upset. I was livid to find out that my niece would not be disciplined for spreading such rumors and that they would even believe something like that. I was always the first person they would call to control any situation where my niece and her parents would be fighting or she would run away. They would call ME to go pick HER up because they couldn’t handle her attitude anymore. So tell me Reddit, am I the asshole for letting my sister know that I will be distancing myself from her and her family?

Edit; thank you all for your comments, we DO have cameras in our pool area and I will be showing and sending footage to both my sister and brother in law. Also they both work in law enforcement as well and do know what these type of accusations can do to mine and my husband’s careers. Another detail to add is that they themselves have been contacted by the school for accusations my niece has said about them and vice versa where they had to contact teachers for something my niece accused them of as well. I understand being a parent and standing by your child’s side but when they’ve had to deal with this situation before..

Years ago my wife and I moved back to live near her elderly parents. We bought a house a couple of streets over from them for about $300,000. When we moved back, we helped them with the maintenance of their house including replacing the carpet, 2 AC units that totaled $15,000, appliances, and weather proofing the house. In all, we spent about $75,000 to make their house more comfortable in their remaining years with the understanding that once they pass, the house will be sold so that we get our money back then split the rest of the money evenly between the siblings.

When they both passed, we found out they left the house to my wife’s youngest sister. The parents wrote a letter explaining to the siblings that the parents wanted to make sure that sister have a house because she would never be able to buy a house without their help. The rest of the siblings all had houses and were doing okay so they understood and accepted the situation. I was livid because we poured money into that house and now we’re not going to get it back. My wife and I argued for weeks until I realized I had to accept the money as gone or else my marriage would be ruined.

Over the years the price of houses increased dramatically in our neighborhood and now our house is worth $1.75 million. SIL’s house is also worth over $1 million and her property tax is over $30,000 which she struggled paying every year. Last year her husband was let go from his job so they couldn’t pay their taxes in January. By February they received a letter stating they were considered delinquent and now they owe a 6% penalty fee and 1 % interest in addition to the tax. On July 1, the penalty fee will increase to 12%.

The problem is that all of the siblings had financial difficulties last year so none of them could loan her money as they did in previous years. However, we’re doing okay so my wife asked me the other day if we could loan her sister the money. I said we poured enough of our own money into that pit and refused her request. Our arguments have gotten to the point we’re both shouting at each other.

I know I can be petty but I think I’m justified to not loan over $30,000 to a person who stole $75,000 from us. My wife doesn’t want her sister to lose the house that they were raised in.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OOP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: death

mood spoilers: sad & hearthwarming

Alan Tudyk stars in the sci-fi comedy series, Resident Alien. He plays an alien stranded in a small Colorado town, who has to learn how to act human to fit in. Highly recommend the

- June 16, 2024

I created a throw away because I am so embarrassed by this that I don't want it associated with my main, but I want to tell the story.

I went to Fan Fest Boston and met Alan on Saturday. I wanted to tell him that Resident Alien was the first show that made me laugh after my husband died this winter, that it helped me to feel human again, and I wanted to thank him for that. But he had had lines of people waiting for him all day and he looked exhausted even though he was being so kind to everyone, the woman helping him at the autograph table needed a restroom break, he still had a couple of hours of photo ops ahead of him, and I just got too nervous about taking up his time and knew I couldn't do it without crying.

So I stood there awkward and stupid, made a dumb Firefly joke while he signed my picture, and will now spend the rest of my days regretting how I missed my chance to let him know that his work really affected someone and helped them through a hard time.

I feel like this community might understand and maybe the show has helped some of you in a similar way so I wanted to share my story even though I missed my chance to tell the person I really wanted to tell it to. I know he probably wouldn't care and he would forget by the end of the day so I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much, but I just really wanted to say thank you.

- June 16, 2024

My friend sent me this. Sorry you feel like you missed your opportunity. I have read your message. I love that you have such a beautiful connection with the show. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. I’m glad you’re finding your laugh again and honored that I’m part of that. Your story and similar stories I’ve heard are so touching. It makes me feel like my work, which I appreciate getting to do, has worth beyond the Hollywood hustle of it all and the BS business of show business. Come by if you want today I’ll be here till 230 then I have to go catch a plane. I’d love to say thank you in person:)

- Later that day

That is so generous of you and please know how much I appreciate it! It's our first Father's Day without him and my boys and I are spending it doing some of the things he loved. We also live a little too far away to make the drive again. But please know that the woman in the Loot Crate Wash shirt, who very awkwardly made conversation with you and said that I am a leaf on the wind was too sad when you autographed my picture, thinks the world of you and will absolutely come again next year if you are in Boston and I will be sure to say something!

OOP Updates her Original Post

I am blown away by the responses that this post has received, especially by Alan himself!

Please know first that I'm well aware that my story is nothing special, I'm not the only person in this community to lose someone and find a connection or comfort in the show and I really shared my story thinking that others might share theirs and we could comfort each other.

I thank each and every person who has reached out with grace and condolences and to let me know that I'm not the biggest loser in the world for getting tongue tied and nervous and losing my nerve!

Unfortunately I couldn't go back to Boston on Sunday. I'm also a mother and my children and I had plans for our first Father's Day after our loss. It pained me to have to turn down such an amazing offer but I had to put the boys and their needs first. I'll have next year (hopefully) to try again, they really want to go back to FanFest next year!

Thank you again and I hope that you all continue to find the comfort, connection, and pie you need in Patience! Maybe Harry said it best: Everyone needs to belong to something bigger than themselves. Yes, there is strength in numbers, but maybe it's simpler. Maybe humans just feel better when they know they are not alone on this earth.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I have two children, 14 year old identical twins “Megan” and “Alana”. Both are 5’0”. Megan weighs over 150 pounds while Alana weighs around 95. They used to be the same weight until they were around 7, when Megan started getting chubby, but still healthy weight. When she was 11, Megan was considered medically overweight. I went to a doctor for advice, and he said that I shouldn’t worry too much since a lot of kids gain weight right before puberty, and then ‘balance out’ after their growth spurt.

The twins had their growth spurt last year, and Megan’s weight has only increased since then, to the point where she’s actually obese. So I decided to implement a healthy diet for the entire family.

I slowly started to cut back on sugar, junk food, and unhealthy snacks. I cook them high volume, low calorie meals full of vegetables and protein so that they still feel full after eating. Neither of the twins are very athletic, so I’ve also tried encouraging them to engage in physical activities, like swimming, bike riding, trampolining, etc.

I tried putting emphasis on staying healthy instead of losing weight. However, Alana guessed that the real reason for this new diet is because I want Megan to lose weight. She started complaining that it’s not fair that she also has to diet because her sister’s fat. I told her that I didn’t want Megan to feel singled out and feel as though she’s the only one being punished for her weight. AITA?

EDIT: I’ve gone to multiple doctors, and neither of the twins have medical conditions that would influence their weight.

My parents broke up when I (16m) was a few weeks old. They were never married and they were like 19/20 when they had me, so pretty young. They didn't get along so good but they could be sorta civil to each other. It really depends on what was going on I think because sometimes they stayed away from each other. When I was 6 my dad met my stepmother and they got married by the time I was 7. My mom and stepmother did not get along at all. I remember feeling the tension between them. I remember hearing my stepmother grumble to dad about mom if I had to go to their house instead of home with mom after they had all been in the same place. It was extra bad if they all showed up to my dance recitals. My stepmother wanted to be the one doing some of the dance stuff. She used to tell my dad she didn't think she'd have much in common with a young boy but dance could be our thing and mom was hogging it by always being there. Mom was the person who signed me up for dance. Dad wasn't on board back that. He's a bit too macho dude for that.

My mom got sick when I was 8 and she died when I was 10. The worst part of that time was when she got too sick to take care of me and I had to live with my dad all the time. I still saw my mom. But it wasn't the same. Before she died she wrote me a letter and told me to read it whenever I needed to feel close to her. She said she put all her love into that latter. She also left me cards for milestones.

My mom's original letter made my stepmother so angry though. I never called my stepmother 'mom' or anything. I never call her my parent either. I know she technically is. But I always disliked the idea of her being called that because she hated mom so much and felt like mom needed to step back from stuff to let her take over them (like dance). My stepmother is pissed that my mom never mentioned her in the letter and that mom never asked me to let her (stepmother) in. She felt like mom put up a final wall between us and made sure she would always be the outsider in my eyes and I would always long for my mom and reject her as a mother figure. Our relationship is really tense while things with my dad are better than they were when I was younger. He got softer. So he said the three of us should go to therapy together to figure stuff out.

After two months of therapy my stepmother wants the letter brought into sessions and the counselor feels like that's a good idea and we should discuss the content of it since it's such a point of tension. But I don't want my stepmother anywhere near it. She's poison when it comes to my mom and I don't want her to taint it. The counselor told me it would only benefit us all. My stepmother got mad and said even a piece of paper is more important to me than she is. We had two sessions since and I did not bring it. This made my stepmother's anger worse.

AITA?

I currently live with my in-laws with my infant son and husband. My in-laws find themselves in screaming matches daily. Yesterday, while my son was asleep I could hear them screaming from downstairs where we stay with the door shut.

I have been told that I can let them know when the baby is sleeping. There was a break in their argument and so I said, “Just so you guys know, the baby is sleeping.” in a neutral tone and promptly exited the scene.

Moments later I head my fil using my name and curse words together and something about “his f*cking house” to my mil. Then he came up to me 10 minutes later, heated, and said “Just so you know, I respect him (the baby) but I don’t think you get to shush me in my own home. This is my house.” I just looked at him and then he walked away.

This morning I wanted to talk to him and asked my mil if I should about his responses towards me but my mil said “he has a point, it’s his house.” All I can think is it sure is but I don’t think I did or said anything wrong or to warrant that reaction.

Seriously folks, aita?

EDIT: INFO: We were self sufficient and had no threat to our self sufficiency (monetarily) before moving in. We had our first child and lived near no family. We were invited to live with them for help on multiple fronts. I was made aware that they have disagreements. All couples do, I was not made aware what they were like. We have every intention of living on our own, but these adjustments can take time especially when the move is states away from where we had previously been established and a child is now in the decision making mix.

I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: child abuse, forced marriage

mood spoilers: happy ending

- 2022-04-29

I'm (30M) freaking out. I thought we had a happy marriage. We've been married for 6 years and dating for 10. Edit: We started dating when I was 20 and she was 23.

My wife (33F) and I have always been very open with each other. We share passwords and have never hidden anything. When we have disagreements we get through it together. We've never screamed or yelled at each other. We're in couples and individual therapy, not because of anything wrong with our relationship but because we want to make sure that we're happy. My wife always says better prevention than cure.

Yesterday, she left her laptop open and I saw she was looking up new york divorce papers and how to see if someone was cheating and some subreddits. There was 5 or 6 six tabs open. I pretended I didn't see anything and but went into the bathroom and threw up. I've been shaking in anxiety and my wife has noticed I haven't left her side and she's asked me if anything was wrong.

Readers I've NEVER cheated and never even thought of cheating. I don't even watch stuff. I don't even know how she could think I would betray her like this.

If it's the opposite and she's cheating, I don't even know how she would do it because even if she didn't love me she doesn't even have the time. I checked her phone and computer and she doesn't have anything previously downloaded, there's nothing fishy and nothing suggesting even an emotional affair. She's been incredibly affectionate. She loves me and would never hurt me. So it's me she thinks.

I have a part time bakery catering business I run from home and she works from home for literally 70-80 hour work weeks and is the breadwinner. We haven't left each other's side and I love it that way. Covid was actually good for us because we could spend so much time together.

My wife is the love of my life. I'm in the process of being diagnosed and looking at symptoms online I'm pretty sure she's my Favorite Person (FP). It's unhealthy but she's never complained about me being clingy or overbearing. I don't know why she would want a divorce.

I'm afraid to talk to her about it because what if she starts thinks of divorcing me and realizes that she's so much better and deserves so much more and just leaves. I feel like like somehow talking about the d word will manifest it and ruin all the happiness I have. I wished I never saw it.

Today she joked that we'd literally melt together because I haven't stopped holding her all morning. I'm afraid that I'll fall asleep and she'll disappear from my life.

Edit: I know I need to talk to my wife. This is a vent thread and as someone who has anxiety and possible BPD, I'm very grateful for the empathetic and actionable comments.

My wife and I decided together, after she suggested it, to have me work part time. I run a catering business from home. I do all of the housework. My wife works in a demanding field and part of the reason for the long hours is all the pro bono work that she does. I'm very proud of her and though I wish she cut back on hours for her own health, I would never dream of asking her to quit a job she loves and has a positive impact on.

Edit: Please stop spreading lies for no reason. I have literally never yelled at my wife much less yelled at her for not baking (?!) My wife does not bake. She does not lift a finger in our house.

Edit: Thanks again for all the support. I'm talking with her tonight (or maybe tomorrow morning). My wife has a pretty big project at work she needs to finish and that's no time to have a conversation

Edit: Logically I know she might be researching for a friend of hers, but mentally and emotionally my brain is screaming that she forgot to close the window that she's leaving me and I'll never be with the love of my life again. Right now I'm leaving her to work and just watching some random show

Final Edit: I made an update post. You can see it on my profile. My wife was writing a short story after she got frustrated reading an unrealistic cozy mystery. A cause of the spiral was probably her insane parents who tried to hold her hostage for a forced married trying to contact us again.

- 2022-04-30

I just want to say I'm very grateful for everyone's love and support. Last night, my wife asked me if anything was wrong. She was finally done with work, so I asked her why she had tabs full of divorce information. It wasn't for a friend or family or anyone we knew. The divorce tabs was because she recently read a "cozy mystery" with a divorce-turned-murder and thought it was so bad and unrealistic that she could write one better. My wife is an avid reader (me not so much) and likes to read mystery novels, though I secretly think it's because she can complain about them to me. I read some of it this morning and my wife's short story is better than most movies to be honest. I could see her becoming an author when we retire.

I struggle with my mental health and though my wife has been through trauma she's a stronger person than me. Though I knew logically that she was looking for some other reason than our relationship, mentally and emotionally my brain was screaming at me that she was going to leave and I was going to lose the love of my life. I have (suspected) BPD and my wife is my FP and my soulmate. I know some of my behavior is unhealthy but it's an uphill struggle. It doesn't help that my wife is the most amazing selfless loving person I know.

I was the product of a one night stand to two parents who didn't want me. Neither of them had steady jobs or relationships or really any desire to parent. If I was too much of a burden for my dad, he'd drop me off to my moms, who wouldn't be home. I'd be locked outside her apartment until she came home at 2am. There'd be nothing in the fridge. School wasn't much better. I was the weird short kid with long greasy hair and two day old clothes and I was relentlessly bullied. When I was 14, I was finally taken away by my maternal grandparents, who didn't have a relationship with my mom. Though they loved me, they couldn't really take care of me because they were old. We lived in a tiny house stuffed full of useless things. When I was 19, my grandma died. Lung cancer. I think my grandpa died then too. He stopped eating properly. They were deeply in love.

I met my wife when my grandpa was dying of heart disease. I was 20 and she was 23. She worked as a consultant and had been working 90+ hours. We met a mutual friend for lunch, and he introduced us. After lunch, we ended up spending the whole day and night together just talking. It was amazing. I felt bad because her parents yelled at her for not calling them that night. I asked her out the next day and she said yes.

My grandpa died a month later. She helped me with the funeral and came over to help clean the house without me even asking. For the first time, I could actually see the walls of the house I lived in. My mom wanted the inheritance. My grandparents didn't leave any inheritance, just debt, and a house my mom didn't want. She didn't even care about me. My wife got me a lawyer friend to keep my mom away. My mom didn't even care once she found out there was no money. My wife supported me through it all.

A few months later my wife said she was going to her home country for a visit. Her grandmother was sick. The first day she called. and then for a month, there was radio silence. I thought my wife got tired of me and I hated myself for burdening her. It was a bad spiral. Finally, there was a call and she asked me if I could help find where she was and how to get to the nearest airport. Her parents had hidden away her passport and she was sure she was going to be married off. She stole back her US passport. Her job paid for her flight back even though they had previously fired her for not checking in for two weeks. I met her at the airport. She looked so tired. Our next date night, she looked better but I had a feeling something was wrong. I followed her and she was going to a women's shelter. Her parents had cleared out her bank account and she didn't have a place to stay. I told my wife she could live with me at my grandparents house, and it wasn't a burden. She tried to do all the chores and pay rent at the same time but I was just happy she was with me. Though it's twisted, I was secretly kind of thrilled that she ran away from the marriage. To me, it felt like she chose me over her parents. Her parents tried to track her down. We got married and they cut her off for good.

Like me she didn't get much physical affection growing up either. She was expected to get great grades and clean up after everyone because she was a girl. There was physical abuse. Education was a way for her to be more marriageable, that's why they agreed to let her to get a job while going to grad school. Once she finished, she would be married off to an older man and be a housewife. She didn't want that.

We had to build up our finances from the ground up. My wife likes experts who tell us what to do with our money, our relationship, our house remodeling, because she wants us to be happy. I'm terrified of losing her, that some day she'll realize that she could have something better, because I need her so much. People on the thread have told me I'm too clingy. that my wife secretly hate that. Now when I hold on to my wife or rest my head on her chest or lap, I wonder if she's lying that she loves that. That she's just tolerating me.

I talked with my therapist and he told me of some techniques to get my anxiety under control and some techniques for BPD, as he is CBT therapist. I still have my diagnosis coming up in 5 months. My wife loves me and she's not leaving me.

Every time I go to a bar, it’s always the same thing no matter where you go. Don’t get me wrong, I used to think they are fun but in the past few weeks it has felt more sad than fun. Someone is always trying to fight someone over nothing, people are constantly spilling things all over you, and you are just hanging around people who don’t have much to talk about besides pointless drama. No matter how long you stay away from a bar, you can go right back and everything will always be the same as it was left.

Edit: For all the comments that say I need new company/friends, we aren’t starting any fights of any sort. I’m saying it happens all around us. My favorite local bar closed down a year ago so I have been trying out many different kinds of bars and I’m just stating the most common things that happen at the bars from what I have noticed from all my years of going to bars.

I (20f) had been with my ex (20m) for 5 years. We were best friends since middle school and began dating in high school.

The last few months were difficult because I had to focus on my dissertation, exams, and internship. He also had to relocate to another city for 8 weeks for his internship.

When his work ended, instead of coming home, he and his friends decided to go on a 4-day boys' trip. During those 4 days, he rarely texted and never contacted me.

Then, on the last day, one of his friends shared an Instagram story about them being in a strip club and him making out with one of the girls.

Needless to say, I broke up with him. I never became angry with him or anything; I suppose I just felt numb and wanted to be polite with him and still have him as a friend in my life.

He begged my forgiveness, claiming it was a drunken mistake and all that garbage. I forgave him, but I was unwilling to give a cheater another chance.

For the month following the split, he would call me every day and say he just wanted to hear my voice; he would often cry and apologise, and all I did was be on the other line and pretend everything was fine.

If I did not answer his phone, he would tell me that he was going to commit himself and that I was to blame.

Well, I didn't answer his phone the day before yesterday because I was too busy at work, and he decided to take his life while under the influence of alcohol.

Fortunately, he was found, and the wound was not deep, so he is doing well now.

His friends keep calling and telling me to go visit him in the hospital, but I refuse.

Primarily because I am scared, I feel extremely terrible, guilty, everything seems to be my fault; he has been haunting my nightmares, and I am very sure seeing him would make me weak, and if he pleads to be back together, I will accept.

Is it selfish of me not to pay him a visit?

My gf is currently pregnant with our first child, which we recently learned was a boy. Before we knew the gender we made a deal that if it was a girl, I would choose name and if it was a boy she would pick. That was before I realized that I hated every single name on her list. Especially the two that she was leaning toward the most, Elyan and Gawaine after the knights of the round table. One thing about her is that she has always been into fantasy and mythology, especially the Arthurian legends and she expressed that she has always loved both of these names.

Even though I didn't like her choices, I figure we didn't even know the gender yet so there was no point it bringing it up. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a boy (Not because I didn't want a boy, but because I didn't want to have this conversation).

I was hoping that she would change her mind and pick a better name, but no. She decided on Elyan, which I guess is better than Gawaine. But I still hate it. It sounds like a douchebag in a teen movie that they were trying way too hard to give a unique name.

I asked her if she had any normal names that we would both be happy with. She asked me what was wrong with the name she chose and I brought up the above mentioned concern. She got upset and told me that we had an agreement and she would have accepted any name I chose, even though she didn't like any of them either (I guess because they were normal names).

Now she'll barely talk to me. I've apologized for being so harsh about it, but I would at least like a say in the matter. I even mentioned another name that was on her list that I didn't hate as much (Leon) but she won't budge.

I honestly don't think it's unreasonable for me to want to have a say in my own sons name, but everyone I've talked to said that they actually really like the name an it's not fair for me to go back on our deal. So AITA?

Edit: Okay, yes making that deal was stupid and we shouldn't have done it in the first place. And yes, asking her to pick a "normal name" was a shit thing to say. I'm going to sit down and have an actual conversation with her about it and see if we can come to some kind of an agreement.

And for those asking, it's pronounced "Ellie-ahn" (but sometimes when she says it, it comes out "Elli-un".

I (F24) have been with my partner (M26) for 3 years. I live alone and he lives with his mother.

He stays at my house 5/7 nights a week and recently it seems like he's getting too comfortable. Little things like leaving rubbish out and cups everywhere, laundry on the floor. These are things I have discussed with him and nothing has changed. The main argument at the moment is that I have asked him to start showering before bed, we wake up the next morning and my sheets are stained and they smell grim. I am having to strip my bed and bleach my mattress everyday. According to him, I am attacking him over something that he cannot help. I understand this but I do believe it wouldn't be anywhere near as bad if he washed before bed.

I find myself just being irritated by him whenever he is at my house, it is the only time I feel any sort of bad energy towards him.

Tonight, we came home from work, had dinner and he went upstairs without a word. Leaving me with the cleaning up to do. I tidied up and went upstairs too. I told him I had had enough and that I wanted him to spend more time at his house if he cannot respect mine. He didn't react positively, he asked me "how do you think we're ever going to live together if you're such a perfectionist?" I said I couldn't ever live with a grown man who doesn't clean up after themselves, it would be like living with a child. He stormed out and has text me since saying I need to apologise for being selfish and not understanding his feelings.

I do feel bad but this has been a constant over the year he has been spending more time here. AITA?

I'm (25f) engaged right now and as you can likely tell from the title my mom is married to someone who isn't my dad. They got married 4(?) years ago and they started dating 6 years ago. I was actually living in another country at the time studying overseas. I only came back home briefly for the wedding and only came back officially last year. So I haven't spent much time with my mom's husband. But being truthful, even if I had, given the age I was when they got together, I wouldn't see him as my dad/parent.

Which is why he stunned me by telling me he wanted to "give me away" at my wedding. He told me he looked forward to doing it for all three of his girls (he has two daughters and a son so I guess he counted me) and was excited at the thought of me being the first he gives away. I didn't like the way he worded it (giving me away) or the fact he approached me about this when he had no hand in raising me. But my mom loves him so I was kind, said it was a sweet offer, lovely gesture, but I wasn't very comfortable with that and we could figure out something else for him to do if he wanted to be more involved in the wedding.

This was met with him questioning why I'd say no and him saying he thought I would be happier to have him do it. He said given I have no father in my life and grew up with no close adult males, it made sense. I pointed out to him that I had my mom who raised and sacrificed for me. He was like yeah, but she's no man and I told him I didn't plan to have a very traditional wedding so mom doing it wouldn't be strange at all. He genuinely never considered the fact I would ask mom and he became very emotional when I brought this up. It was a mixture of embarrassment, sadness and frustration and he was word vomiting all over the place. It got on my nerves because he was clearly not okay with me saying no to him. He told me he should have been my first choice and it made no sense that he wasn't when he's the only father figure I have. I told him I never considered asking him once for the very reason he's not my father figure or my parent and that role goes more to a parent generally than a parents new spouse.

He looked so offended and told me the fact I never considered him a valid option stung. He told me I couldn't have his money then. I asked him what he meant and he said he had been expecting to pay, that mom had mentioned money. I told him that was nothing to do with him. It was money mom saved for my wedding as I was growing up, that she had saved long before him. I told my mom what happened and she was so embarrassed he acted that way. She said she'd talk to him but I got a text not too long after from him that reminded me I had hurt his feelings and offended him.

AITA?

I (16m) have three older half siblings from my mom's first marriage ages 25, 26 and 28. We lost mom last year. I live with my dad who was their stepdad for like 19 years. They never accepted me or my dad. I always knew it deep down. They kinda kept the peace for mom when she was alive but that was just not saying so much when she was alive but still not really engaging with me or my dad. They'd visit mom and have a very forced civility with the two of us. After she died they made it very clear they did not appreciate my dad organizing things. They said mom's true husband was their dad, and they were very smug when it came to light that mom organized stuff herself and that she was intending to be buried with her first husband/my half siblings dad. They thought that meant they could tell us we weren't welcome at the funeral. It was also the first time in years they took glee in telling me I wasn't really their brother and I was just the second mistake mom made after losing their dad. The first mistake being my dad. It became a huge deal and at the funeral they actually said they were diving the side the immediate family would sit. Anyone on their side recognized essentially that my dad and I were mistakes mom made and should not be there. A lot of mom's family sided with my half siblings, which stung.

My half siblings severed all ties to me and dad. They have been clear they want nothing to do with us.

My grandparents are the only maternal family who make the effort to include me still and be a part of my life. Aunts and uncles will speak to me, but some only do it to make excuses for my half siblings or to mention mom. There's a lot of family on my maternal side and that comes with birthday parties and stuff. Whenever my half siblings see me there they make it clear I shouldn't attend. They have started yelling that "the failed abortion" shouldn't be there. A lot of the family stand by them. My grandparents normally try to calm them and one aunt has called them out for treating me like shit when mom loved me too and I'm still their blood.

It's too much for me and now that some of them are married and having their own kids, it feels like if I keep being where they're at, I'm going to deal with things getting worse. So I told my grandparents I won't attend family gatherings that my half siblings attend anymore. My grandparents were really upset and told me I need to keep coming because I'm family and they said I can't punish them for my half siblings behavior. I said it feels like most people don't want me there and I don't like having to deal with the things they say about me.

I know my grandparents are mad and I get it. But I feel like I need to put myself first. AITA?

This initially took place back in 2019 when I was 28 and she was 28. Her sister was 20 at the time. Let's call my ex Mel and her sister Sarah.

So me and Mel had been dating for 2.5 years prior to the event in 2019. We were pretty happy as it went along and we were considering renting our first place together (I'd had other financial commitments before 2019) and I was considering asking her to marry me in 2021. Mel had a sister called Sarah, who I got on pretty well with. She was a lot more of a party animal compared to Mel, so it wasn't unusual for her to come in at 2am when I was crashing at Mel's place (both Mel and Sarah still lived at home at that point).

One evening Mel's parents were gone for the weekend and Sarah was out partying. Mel fell asleep early so I went to chill out in the living room for a little while. At about midnight Sarah stumbled through the door and came in to say hello. She sat next to me and I was asking her how the party was and why she was home so early. She'd said she wasn't feeling it and the party was boring, so she'd come back early to go to bed. She was tipsy but fully aware, no slurring her words etc. We were talking for a bit and Sarah suddenly tried to kiss me. I was shocked and backed off, asking her what the hell she was doing.

She said she'd always thought I was cute and that we should hook up. She took her top off (no bra) and said it would be our little secret. I bounced out of there and went straight back to Mel's room. The next morning I left early. I'd decided I needed to tell Mel what had happened and so by the evening I'd decided I needed to call her. I never got that far. Mel text me first in block capitals asking me if it was true. I asked is what true and she said did you make a move on Sarah last night whilst I was asleep?

I instantly denied that and explained what had actually happened, that Sarah had come home drunk and we talked, she'd kissed me and I'd instantly left the situation. I asked if Sarah had told her this and Mel sent me a screenshot of Sarah's Facebook, where she'd posted that I had kissed HER when she was drunk. To say I was angry is an understatement. We argued and I pleaded my innocence, but Mel eventually responded with "my sister is many things but she isn't a liar. I can't believe you did this to me". She then ended things and blocked me.

I messaged Sarah asking what the hell her problem was and she instantly blocked me. I tried to explain the situation to my friends but a fair few of them sided with Mel and Sarah, except my best friend Simon and a couple of others. I was even getting called out in our old Facebook and WhatsApp group chats. After 3 days of trying to explain I'm innocent I gave up. I blocked everyone who didn't believe me on all social media platforms and tried to move on.

It was difficult. My confidence was shot and my faith in people was gone. I absolutely did not trust women so I refused to date. I just kept my head down and moved on. A few months later the Pandemic hit and I decided to nuke all my social media accounts (Facebook, Insta, Reddit etc) and take some time off. As COVID lifted I began to hike, hang out with people more and even dipped my toes in the dating pool.

Fast forward to last week, I decided to start new social media accounts. I made a Facebook, Instagram, Reddit and LinkedIn and added a few bits, then mostly left them. However, starting again meant all the people I had previously blocked were now unblocked. And I hadn't really spared them much thought to block them again. That is until a couple of days ago when I received a Facebook message from Mel. It was a paragraph of text apologising to me, basically saying that her sister got drunk on New Year and blurred out the truth of what happened between me and her to Mel and her friends. She said Sarah had admitted hard always fancied me, was jealous and made a move but I'd rejected her. Mel said that this had caused a huge argument and she'd stopped speaking to Sarah until last month. She apologised for not believing me and for encouraging our friendship group to alienate me. She asked if we could possibly meet up and talk, catch up etc.

I didn't respond until a couple of days later, as I was understandably a little bit shocked. I spoke to Simon first who gave me advice and said he'd back me either way. I ultimately decided to message Mel back and say that it was too little too late, she'd allowed her sister to ruin our relationship and my life and I wasn't interested in forgiving her or making amends. I also responded with "Now you know that your sister is many things AND a liar". Mel eventually responded and said I was being an asshole, that this was 5 years ago and there was no need to hold a grudge. I just blocked her and went about my day.

A few of our old friendship group reached out and apologised for their behaviour, some reached out to call me an AH for being blunt and petty with Mel and Sarah reached out to say I should get over it, that I was being rude and a dick. I blocked Sarah, all of our old friends and anyone else I thought might be a problem. I mentioned this situation to some of my newer friends and some thought I was justified, others thought I should've forgiven her but just then ignored her. I'm a bit conflicted on whether I am the AH or not.

So Reddit, AITAH for not forgiving my ex and reblocking her, her sister and all her friends?

I should also point out that I don't think Mel reached out to rekindle our relationship. From the looks of her Facebook, she's engaged and due to be married next year. I'm pretty happy just being single and living life.

Friend of mine, who we'll call Buddy said I could share this.

Background: Buddy worked for a company that got on the hybrid/WFH train early. He got his job around 2012, these events take place around 2016. We live in NJ, and his office was in NYC. His contract said that he had to be in 1 day a week (same day each week), and up to 5 days a month (so one additional day on top of his weekly day). If work brought him in more than that, he got paid his hourly billable rate for his commute and any extra hours. His commute was 1.5-2 hours each way, so that could quickly add up to hundreds or thousands of hours. Other than a couple of full time in office folks, his coworkers had similar contracts, and had to be in 1-8 times a month and some lived as far away as Boston or DC. They worked in a well paid niche consulting field, so I guess this was worth it to everyone.

On to the story. Buddy's company has a client who is very old school and their point of contact is a jerk. On a video call, the client notices that some staff do not appear to be in the office (before blur was as common) and demands that all of the work done for their contract be done in an office, rants about professionalism. Buddy's manager simply says "ok".

Manager calls a meeting afterwards with Buddy's team. He knows they're upset but asks them to prepare to come into the office daily for the next 4-6 weeks. Tells them to keep very careful track of receipts, costs, time etc. And asks them to trust him. For the people who live further away, tells them he'll help set up accommodations for them (and their families if necessary). Because the company treats people well, everyone goes along with it with minor grumbling.

About 5 weeks go by, everyone is coming in daily. Remember when I said that most people didn't come in? So yeah, not much space in the office, the company liked teleworking because it allowed them to have an NYC headquarters but not much space. Everyone keeps careful track of commuting costs, etc., time, and is getting reimbursed for their travel time and everything they are owed. This includes some folks who had contracts that covered lodging if they had to come in more than a day or two in a row. Then one day the manager tells them they can go back to their regular schedule. Everyone notices jerk client is gone but that the client company is still their client.

Later on, Buddy finds out what happened. As per the terms of the contract, the client had to pay for all of that overage. Frustrating for the employees, but Buddy said no one was too mad knowing that it was temporary. Buddy's manager also knew that the same jerk point of contact had been a jerk. He had apparently gotten tired of being asked to sign contract modifications.

Buddy said usually these were set at modifications over $1k or something but this guy had thought these signoffs were below him, and so set that threshold much higher something like $100k. Due to the wording of the contract, this was $100k per change, not total. So, in the five weeks that everyone was coming in full time, he had managed to cost his company a few hundred thousand dollars, but since each individual employee was a single change, no one noticed until the next billing cycle. Jerk got called out by his own company and they tried to contest the payment.

Turns out the contract was very clearly written and the client had to pay. On top of that, this is a pretty niche field, and so the client didn't really have many other options if they wanted to change consultants at that point. Jerk point of contact got fired, and, according to Buddy's manager, couldn't really find work in their smallish field. Buddy and his coworkers got a nice chunk of money.

My wife is a stay at home mom. We have two children. 10/12. I pay all the bills, put money aside for the kid's education, emergencies, savings, vacations, retirement, etc. then whatever is left I split 50/50 with my wife.

Recently she has decided that I do not do enough around the house so she wants me to start doing more chores. I asked if we were going to split up all the chores again.

What I mean is the kids have their chores, she has hers, and I have mine. So if she wants me to do more I want mine redistributed as well. I think she can mow the lawn and do the yardwork and house maintenance.

This is not what she wants. She wants me to take on more of the chores we agreed would be hers. On top of earning all the money, and all the chores I currently have.

I asked her what she wanted me to do. She gave me a list. I hired a cleaning service and paid for it out of our budget before splitting the fun money.

Now she says that I'm an asshole and being financially abusive.

I think it's a fair compromise.

My husband was all smiles and encouraged when he told me that his friends at church told him they were talking about how he’s the perfect husband. I immediately laughed and noticed that he was offended by that. I then started to tell him how I believe he is an amazing husband and I wouldn’t want to be married to anybody else but I know the good, bad, and ugly so perfect is not how I would describe you. I could tell he was still not pleased. I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often. I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him. Even when I challenged that I know you best as a husband because I’m married to you, he told me his friends know him better because I tell them things I don’t tell you. He also shared he didn’t think they literally meant perfect in the sense of having 0 flaws, but his interpretation was they thought him to be a high quality, role model husband. When they gave him the compliment, he simply said thank you and said he wanted to ask them later about why they think that.

My father's girlfriend is very active on social media. She usually makes at least two Instagram posts a day. I'm fairly certain she's trying to become an influencer.

While I don't care much for that, one thing I've noticed is that almost every picture she posts is photoshopped in some way. Sometimes she makes her waistline smaller, other times she airbrushes her face. Sometimes, she does both. I don't know how noticeable it is to other people, but both me and my husband can always tell.

My birthday was this weekend. I had a baby a few months ago and I haven't had time to do much. So last week, my friends and family threw me a surprise party to celebrate both my birthday and my first year of being a mom. I later made a post on Instagram thanking everyone, in which I included several pictures from the party.

A few hours later, my father called me to ask if I could add a picture that featured his girlfriend to the post I'd made. I was frustrated, but deleted it and reposted it with a picture of me, my husband, our baby, my father and his girlfriend. It was the only one I had of her at the party.

Hours after that, his girlfriend sent me a photoshopped version of the picture and asked if I could replace the one I'd posted. She had changed her waistline, retouched everyone's faces and whitened our teeth.

I said no. While she's free to post whatever she wants on her socials, I don't want an obviously photoshopped picture on mine.

She argued the picture I'd posted would clash with the ones on her page, and she didn't want her followers to see her like that. I reminded her that my account is private, and the only people who will see my post are friends and family who already know what she looks like. When she kept insisting, I told her that either she accepted the unedited picture or I'd remove it from the post entirely.

My father wants me to humor her. He says it would take little to no effort on my part to replace the picture. I'm aware of that, I just don't want to do it. I didn't even want to include the picture in the first place, I only did it because they wanted me to.

I'm busy this week, and dealing with this has become very annoying.

AITA?

I (F30) was running this weekend, tripped, lost a fight with this gnarly board that was laying on the sidewalk and sliced up my leg pretty good. Real smooth, I know. I went to the ER and they taped me up, gave me a tetanus shot and some antibiotics.

Today, my coworker noticed my bandaged leg and asked what happened. I told her the story. Side note, I am ALWAYS polite to this coworker, and she doesn't know I don't like her, but we have very different politics and views on things. I'm always cordial though. Anyways, coworker was HORRIFIED to hear I was taking antibiotics, and started throwing out all these alternative treatments. I think she said oregano? My brain spoke without my filter activating and I was like "oh yeah and when I get the plague next I'll use bacon lard." She was really offended! Said she was just trying to help me and that antibiotics were poison. Hasn't spoken a word to me since.

I'm on my lunch break now. My wife says I'm in the right (she actually thinks it's hilarious and laughed at my debacle for a good minute or two) but my dad (I ask him for a lot of work advice) says I should really keep my mouth shut on these things, and that being rude could come back to bite me in the butt.

AITA? Should I have just swallowed what she said and never mentioned it again?

Some years ago, I was working for a large corporation. One of the responsibilities of the team I was on was to offer on the job training for employees and managers on a number of topics that are not important here. The point is, we took our job seriously and tried to do the best work we could. Among other things, that meant changing the training topics and content on a regular basis to make sure it was up to date with industry standards and what our colleagues actually needed to know.

At some point, we were approached by corporate HR. Apparently, our trainings were bypassing most of the central controlling and approval processes, which was creating issues for them. I could understand that. However, these processes were awful. Slow, unnecessary, bureaucratic... and HR showed no interest in improving them. There was no way we could follow them without sacrificing our quality standards. I could have outright refused to follow them and created a massive conflict, but there was a better way.

We set up a workshop with HR to make sure we understood the processes we needed to follow, in detail. Over several exhausting hours, we mapped out every single step that needed to be done, by anyone, along every step of the way. Flipcharts with scribbles and diagrams quickly filled up every square foot of available wall. At the end of a long and exhausting afternoon for everyone involved, I pointed out that we now had a full picture of what needed to be done (good work everyone!), but we still needed to align on next steps - how would we get there? It was at this point that the HR manager in the room asked whether we could "postpone" that topic for the "follow-up workshop", as everyone seemed to be very tired. Of course, we agreed.

Funnily enough, that follow-up workshop never happened. Whenever the topic came up, everyone was quick to state how busy they were at the moment, and could we delay for a few more weeks? A year or two later, our training program had to end for an entirely unrelated reason, so it didn't matter anymore.

So if you ever need to refuse to do something in corporate world, don't say you won't do it - accept it and make sure it slows to an excruciating crawl.

Hi all so this is something even I (24 F) was confused about.

A thew days ago I went to visit my dad's side of the family with my 2 month old son, everything was going fine untill he got a bit upset and and we all went inside to cool down (surprisingly it's been kinda hot (I'm from the uk))

My son was cuddled into me and finally settled down when my sisters walked over and asked why my baby was crying.

My dad said "he's just a bit hot and it making him grumpy" and I agree and smiled at the girls and started to babble at my son about his cute little aunties (my sisters are 7 and 5) and the young3st smiles and laughs saying I sounded funny.

Anyways after a while my son fell asleep and my dad said "awww look at your cute little brother" to my sisters and I quickly looked up and said "you mean nephew?" As he nodded and waved me off saying "yh. Yh. Nephew..."

I found it a little weird but let it go becasue it had been a long day.

However I was obviously wrong becasue my sister (21 f) came over today after she had a phone call with our dad.

She was concerned on something our dad said to her whilst she was telling him that she was having a boy and that the girls will be having another nephew (she's currently 17 weeks)

And my dad sighed and said "I'm telling the girls to call (my sons name) their baby brother becasue they probably wouldn't understand"

When my sister told me this I was baffled and slightly disgusted by the notion.

It may just be me be its almost like he wants to take and raise my son (mu father only has daughters)

And now other things he's said are kinda making me worry that didn't before.

He's been saying things like how he's gonna get a bunch of things for my son to stay over (HES 2 MONTHS?!?!) I just said back that that won't be happening for a long time.

Then he asked about my sons milk (my son has a milk intolerance) and began commenting how'd he'd have to find a way to get some since I have to get it proscribed.

My mum is equally freaked out by this (they haven't been together for years) and told me I need to speak to him

The thing is my sisters are 7 and 5, surely at that age they can understand that their big sister has had baby and that makes them aunties.

Like what will be said if they go to school saying that they have a new baby brother and its their big sisters baby?!?!

I'm just baffled

My younger brothers (11 and 13, from my mum and stepdad) understand that they are my baby's uncles so why won't my dad try to get my sisters ti understand?

My mother (who lives with me and my family and is going through cancer supposedly dying) and I already talked about my idiot brother's (40m) and her plan to get him in my house for one night so he can get free babysitting form her and a place to sleep after his guitar gig this weekend. I told her no, I don't think so! Like three weeks ago!

Then my idiot brother texted my husband today asking to come . Because his wife is going to a music festival and he has this hobby gig so he tried to invite himself over again.

My husband responded no, not possible because of our reasons like him travelling and wanting to be alone after.

Had my brother asked me, which he never does because he's scared of my snarky responses, I would've asked stuff like

When's the last time we were invited to your place or your summer house??

Did we ever invite you guys over? No???? It's always been you inviting yourself, well no more!

And how fking dare you think you're entitled to come anytime you please, while complaining that people (family) are using your cabin like dad wanted, while staying at our place so often??

Jfc you guys, he just had ALL of our family over at his cabin and didn't even invite us for one day. Not that we would've gone, because F him, but the audacity and self delusion. Not only from him but our mom too.

I think my idiot brother reported back to mom about our refusal, because she huffed and puffed and then locked herself in her room lol.

All day before she was being so nice, but I saw right through that bs and knew the ask was coming. I'm actually surprised my idiot brother asked today, usually he waits until the last minute.

He's banned, we just haven't said that outright to them because there's a lot going on and I do like his wife, but I wonder how long it's gonna take my idiot brother and mother to realise lol

I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS U/

Originally posted on

2 updates

June 20th, 2024

- June 21st, 2024

June 23rd, 2024

I'm concerned about my (30m) wife's (28F) new friend (29F) and am doubting her intentions

I (30M) have been married to my wife Sam (28F) for three years.

About a year ago, we moved to a new city because I was offered a promotion. Sam was hesitant at first but soon came around to the idea.

Since arriving in the city we have both been busy with work and have struggled to make new friends. Around 4 months in Sam told me she had met a new friend Jane (29F) and they had a lot in common. I was happy for her and we planned a double date with Jane and her husband a few weeks later.

At the first dinner, we started to make the usual small talk but I when I tried to engage with Jane, she seemed cold and dismissive. For the rest of the night, I was left to speak to the husband while my wife and Jane were deep in conversation. Everytime I tried to join their chat, Jane started talking to my wife again. The husband never tried to get involved.

I brushed this off as Jane maybe being a bit shy around new people and forgot about it. Over the next month, Sam and Jane would text constantly, have long phone calls at night and meet up a couple of times a week for coffee/lunch. This didn't bother me and I just thought that they were forming a close friendship.

We then went out again for dinner and the same thing happened although Jane spoke to the whole group more this time but she made a number of comments alluding to her being bisexual and her and husband being in some sort of open relationship. When we moved on to a bar, Jane sat across from my wife and started openly flirting with her. She would make suggestive comments, compliment her and use any excuse to make physical contact with her (touching her hands, shoulders etc).

When we got home I made a joke asking Sam if she enjoyed her date with Jane. She looked confused and asked what I meant. I said that Jane had made me a bit uncomfortable with her flirting but she said "that's just how she is". I told her that I wasn't sure Jane just wanted to be friends and asked her to be careful.

For reference, Sam has never shown any real interest in women and as far as I know she is straight. She is also endearingly naive and will always see the best in people.

The texting and calls continued and Sam started going over to Janes apartment at least once a week and wouldn't come home until quite late. I was wary but she would always tell me what they had done/watched etc. After one of these visits, I asked what Jane's husband was up to and was slightly shocked to hear that he was away on a business trip. Apparently he travelled a lot and Jane didn't like being home alone

This came to a boiling point a few weeks ago when I took Jane's husband to play golf. We were supposed to go out for drinks/dinner after with the other two guys but they both had to cancel last minute. On the 10 minute drive back to my house, I could see Jane's husband texting Jane. Jane and Sam were supposed to be going out for shopping and lunch but when we arrived at my place they both look flustered, sitting at opposite ends of the couch. We made awkward small talk for a while but I went into the bedroom I noticed Jane's smart watch sitting by the bed.

They left quickly and I decided it was time to talk to Sam. I casually asked her what she bought at the mall and where they went for lunch. She said they decided to stay home instead because Jane had a headache. I asked her to be honest about what they had done and she swore that they had just chatted all afternoon and they were just friends. I told her I was uncomfortable with a lot of things that have happened but she tried to reassure me.I noticed later that the smart watch was gone but I didn't bring this up to Sam.

Since then there have been no phone calls or messages while I was around and Sam seemed extra loving and attentive. She rarely brought up Jane but last night she mentioned that she was going to a concert with Jane on Saturday then would crash at her place. I said I wasn't comfortable with this and offered to pick her up instead. She got angry and said that I was acting controlling and crazy then went to bed.

We haven't spoken since but am I overreacting here? Should I try to stop her from staying over on Saturday? I think I trust Sam but something is telling me that her relationship with Jane is not just as friends. Should I snoop?

Tldr: wife made a new friend and I am concerned about their close relationship.

Relevant Comments

ApprehensiveRoad8818

Ah so Jane has persuaded your wife to try intimacy again.

Your wife is lying to you and ro herself. She knows what is happening and is letting it unfold. You can't stop her or forbid her from going on Saturday but you can tell her you know something's up, you feel lied to , and that you will be looking to distance yourself unless she gets very honest about what is happening.

It's easy to normalise non monogamy when your wife is around people who practice it, they tell her you're controlling and repressed. You're just monogamous. Move out or ask her to leave until she's sorted herself out and ready to be honest.

ETA Talk directly to the husband saying you are aware of what is going on and you are NOT ok with it. He was warning Sam and Jane that you were arriving home early. This man is not your friend, he is there to distract you from their dates.

throwbrianaway

The husband texting Jane while you’re on your way back was a heads up to stop what they were doing as you were about to walk in. They were in the bed and rushed out to the couch, hence the watch sitting by the bed. She’s been hooking up with her for a bit now as it’s fully obvious based on Jane’s demeanor towards you.

There is no question at this point especially her getting mad you are offering to pick her up from the concert. Other commenters touched on it. She has a new friend in an open relationship and yours suddenly seems controlling and antiquated. Wouldn’t be surprised if husband has had his fun with your wife as well.

I would have sat her down and asked for honesty or I can’t do this anymore.

Update 1 - Next Day

After reading your messages and comments my head was a mess. I decided I needed some firm proof that Sam was cheating before I confronted her.

When I got home from work, Sam had made dinner as normal and sat with me while I ate. I acted normally with her and she caught me off guard by apologising for her behaviour the night before. She asked if I was still willing to pick her up or she would even try to find someone selling a ticket if I wanted to come along. I asked her to try to find a ticket and she seemed happy.

The rest of the night was normal and after we went to bed, I couldn't sleep. Around 1 am, Sam was sound asleep so I grabbed her phone and went to the bathroom. I unlocked it (we know each others passcodes) and braced myself.

I knew they texted each other on WhatsApp so I started by trying to find any other messaging apps. I checked everywhere and used the trick someone recommended of looking at the battery usage to see the most used apps. I didn't find anything, Sam is not into social media and doesn't use Instagram, Snapchat etc. I also checked her browser history, emails, photos, call logs, deleted items etc and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

I decided to check WhatsApp next and opened the chat with Jane. I found hundreds of messages, sometimes up to 50 per day between them. Around 99% of them were completely normal talking about TV shows, books, music, recipes, family, day to day life etc. The other 1% that might be a bit suspect included:

• Jane would often bring up "spicy" parts of books and TV shows and want to talk about it. This happened regularly and Sam would engage but not in too much detail.

• one conversation about sex that Jane initiated which came from a scene in a book. She was complaining that her husband is submissive and got quite explicit. Sam shared a bit too much about our sex life but nothing outrageous and she was very complimentary about me. Jane replied she was jealous in a joking way with some emojis.

• Jane casually mentioned that she had a "friend" over a few times when Sam asked what she was up to. Sam's replies were always along the lines of "have fun"

• Jane would complain about her husband a lot and ask about our relationship. Again Sam was complimentary and didn't say anything particularly negative about me.

• Jane sent Sam a link to a sex toy asking for her opinion. Sam replied "oh yeah we have one of those, it's great"

There were no nudes or anything pointing towards them having had sex. Nothing had been deleted. I checked some of the chats with her other friends and they were very similar.

What was most concerning was the way which Jane texted Sam. She would always initiate the conversation and follow up 3-4 times until Sam responded. She would then start calling if she didn't respond. There were also a few messages where Jane's tone changed when Sam wouldn't reply, she would become less friendly and cold.

Also when Jane asked Sam to do something together, there was always a subtle guilt trip added like she didn't want to go alone because of social anxiety, she was scared being home by herself etc.

The messages/calls slowed down in the last few weeks because they were both complaining about being busy and Jane had been out of town.

Even though I didn't find the smoking gun I was looking for, it's clear that Jane and her weird husband are bad news for our marriage.

We will be having a "come to jesus" conversation tonight where I will get the truth because Sam is a terrible liar. If nothing more has happened, I will make it clear that divorce is still on the table if these creeps are not permanently and immediately removed from our lives.

Tldr: decided to snoop on my wife's phone. Didn't find the smoking gun but something is clearly not right

Relevant Comments

dud-avocado

It seems like your wife has this handled? If Jane has tried to cross boundaries your wife hasn’t engaged or allowed it to happen. A conversation about divorce if your wife doesn’t cut Jane off is inappropriate given that you already invaded her privacy and didn’t find anything except that their friendship may be cooling down anyways.

ProdigiousBeets

Agree. I'm surprised OP isn't more proud or thankful for his wife's behavior. While she could shoot it down more... she ain't running towards the questionable stuff either. Should have snooped as a last resort. Needs to open up with 'I am so confused and lacking trust that I abused your trust in turn and looked through your phone' - OP needs to recognize the error in the snooping and share that he feels so conflicted and concerned that he was actually willing to do this.

detrive

I’m confused what messages made you think you need a “come to Jesus” talk? There’s nothing concerning in the bullet points you listed?

You’re willing to divorce over … what?

Haunting-blade

This is going to end badly. You found nothing on the phone beyond what you already knew, which is that Jane is pushing Sam's boundaries. And Sam is holding the line wonderfully; she hasn't overstepped, she refuses to engage and she de-escalates without upsetting the flow of conversation. 

The issue here is that Jane makes YOU uncomfortable. That's not a "come to Jesus" thing, that's you and your wife have different tolerance levels for this sort of shit and you are feeling out of your depth. If this was one friend among many, then asking for distance for that would be more understandable but as you've intimated that Sam is quite socially isolated and struggling for social contact, you asking her to cut off one of her only friends not because she's done anything wrong but because you feel uncomfortable, is likely to end badly. What would be reasonable would be asking her to keep Jane away from you (which she's already doing) and offering assistance with her making other friends so Jane's presence in your life gets diluted.

But if you go with "you haven't lied or overstepped boundaries at all but your one friend doesn't mesh well with my preferences so cut her off or divorce is on the table", well, that is a massive over reaction, rather controlling, and would prompt quite a few people to rethink their entire relationship and whether or not that divorce threat was something to be feared or welcomed. Careful what you wish for.

Second Update - Two Days Later

First of all, my original post was not intended to cover all of the things that led to me being suspicious of Sam's relationship with Jane. There were a number of other factors for example Sam prioritising communicating and spending time with Jane over me, Sam not talking about Jane like she did with her other friends etc. We did talk about most of this at the time because believe it or not, we do have good and regular communication.

Now on to the update. Sam came home on Friday and we sat down to talk after dinner. This was not a big showdown but just a normal conversation that lasted many hours. Here is a summary:

1. Sam originally loved spending time with Jane but it became too intense and weird for her a few months ago. She feels Jane is too needy and controlling but didn't want to lose her only close friend in this city.

2. Sam knows that Jane has a crush on her but made it clear that she was happily married and straight. She should have told me about this but knew that I wouldn't be okay with it.

3. Nothing physical happened between them. Jane tried to initiate physical contact in a playful way and made suggestive comments about Sam, her body etc. Sam shut this down.

4. Sam told me that she wanted to cut down contact with Jane and focus more on our relationship and spending time with a new friend she has made.

As for my concerns, here is Sam's explanation:

Jane's attitude towards me: apparently she doesn't like most men and treats her husband terribly

The flustered/awkward situation when I came home from golf: Jane was showing Sam some "spicy" scenes from a new TV show. They didn't realise we were coming back early and switched the TV off as we came through the door.

The watch: Jane was going to borrow a dress for a wedding and went into our bedroom to try some on. Sam assumes she took it off and when she saw it, she put it in her bag to give it back to her later.

Sam's reaction when I asked her not to crash at Jane's apartment: apparently Jane had planned a "girls night" after and Sam thought she would get angry if she cancelled.

I also told Sam that I snooped on her phone. She was initially angry but understood why I did it and forgave me.

We both apologised to each other and went to bed.

I managed to get a ticket for the concert and went with Sam and Jane last night. Jane made some thinly veiled comments/jokes about me being their chaperone etc but I laughed it off. We met another couple there and I ended up hanging out with the other husband while the ladies danced etc.

Long story short, we are good. I trust my wife and we had a long conversation about boundaries etc.

Thanks to all of you that provided constructive/helpful comments but given the number of insults and offensive messages I've received, I won't be coming to Reddit for advice again any time soon!

Tldr: everything is fine, don't ask Reddit for advice

Relevant Comments

Redd_81

I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.

RedundantPundant

You and your wife are not good as long as she continues to associate with someone who is an enemy to your marriage. Jane hates you for whatever reason and wants Sam as her sex toy. Her husband could also be in on it and warning her you were coming back so Jane could back off trying to seduce your wife. Boundaries won't change that and Jane will continue to use any and every thing Sam tells her to break her down and separate her from you. Your boundaries are like putting up a baby gate to keep a pet leopard at bay. You and Sam are far too cavalier to that threat and may live to regret it. A fake friend is no friend at all. She should seek a friend more aligned with your values than this predatory open couple with bi-sexual tendencies. Predators like to attack the newbies, since they are less wary and more open to their manipulations. You and your wife need a wider variety of friends so she is not dependent on that couple of predators. Good Luck!

professionaldrama- [we have an expert weigh in -ed]

“Sam knows that Jane has a crush on her but made it clear that she was happily married and straight. She should have told me about this but knew that I wouldn't be okay with it.”

I would take this as a red flag. Your wife is okay with disrespecting you & your marriage over her friendship. She literally made you feel crazy for weeks. What would happen if she didn’t meet a new friend?

moonsugarmyhammy

I was like "am I the only one who is confused?* LOL

"She said it was fine, guys! We're good :D"

Poor OP. This whole situation is so disrespectful. Imagine. I saw he updated that she will go no contact with her and start hanging out with a new friend she met. I wonder who the "new friend" is. I wonder if OP will ever meet her. 🤔

politicalstuff

This is a good update. Your suspicions were valid, and her explanations make sense. I’ve known someone a lot like Jane who had these intense same sex friendships where the other party eventually fell out hard. Very realistic pattern.

I still think some significant distance is needed with Jane provided it’s just a crush and she hasn’t made any hard moves. Basically imagine “Jane” was “John” and assess any behavior and boundaries as you would if it was a dude.

If Jane has tried to make a move she should be cut off though.

Congrats on the communication with your spouse.

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