Originally posted by u/Alarming_Risk_1513 posting in r/TrueOffMyChest
1 Update - Medium
Original Post - September 17, 2023
Update - September 22, 2023 (5 days later)
Update 2 - 30th September 2023
Update 3 - 7th January 2024
Update 4 - 4th February 2024
2 New Updates
Update 5 - 30th March 2024
Update 6 - 20th June 2024
Original Post - September 17, 2023
I’m 23. My ex-girlfriend is 20. We met in college. I’ve since graduated but she has 2 years left.
She’s 21 weeks pregnant and wants to put the baby up for adoption. She was around 14 weeks pregnant when she told me she was pregnant. We had already broken up 2 months before that and I honestly had no idea she was pregnant.
She said she needed space to make her own decision and that’s why she didn’t tell me.
From the moment she told me she was pregnant I told her I would support whatever decision she made. I respect that it’s her decision. I believe in a woman’s right to choose and all that.
I feel guilty that I got her pregnant. I’m internally panicking at the idea of a baby and the idea of being a father is wild and unreal to me right now. But when she told me she was planning to put the baby up for adoption it felt like a gut punch. She’s already connected with an adoption agency and looking at possible adoptive families.
In no way do I think she should be forced to be a parent. I would never want to contribute to that. I completely understand her reasoning. It’s just making me feel sick. She seems as content as she can be with the decision. She knows this is the “right” decision for her.
I don’t know if I can consent to it. I’ve started researching contested adoptions. I think it’s sort of crazy and I’d have to be willing and prepared to completely support and parent the baby on my own and be able to prove it. I feel guilty thinking about coming in and ruining all of her plans. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to anyone for me to do that, but I’m becoming more uncomfortable with the idea of adoption every day. I’ve not told her how I feel because I know it took her a while to come to her decision and even though she feels it’s the right one it’s also a highly emotional thing for her.
I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize why adoption is the best thing for everyone.
Relevant Comments:
Why don’t you ask her for sole custody, ask if she would be willing the waver all parental rights and you won’t ask for child support? That way you can both go your separate ways.
OOP'S reply:Once I make any sort of suggestion like that out loud I have to be 100% committed.It’s my understanding that the court system is extremely reluctant to terminate a parent’s right (and financial obligations), even if both parents agree to that arrangement. It’s not as simple as just signing away her rights.
Another user replies:
There’s a difference between the court terminating rights and her willingly signing them away.
ETA: look up a spot that provides pro bono advice for what you would need to do. Will help with deciding and then will show you’ve done the work/aren’t taking this lightly.
OOP'S reply:I’m considering meeting with a lawyer.
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I had a baby at 21. Single parent. My kid is now 19.
When you become a parent, this version of you now that you have becomes the past.
A new version of you will exist.
There's a bit of ego death involved when leaving behind an old life and stepping into something new.
Except this new life means that you stop being responsible for feeding, clothing, and maintaining just one human (yourself) but now a second person. No one but you is responsible when it comes down to the line. You are literally standing there alone holding a newborn when everything and everyone else fades away, it's all on you.
I think, just from what you've posted and your replies, you're in just a good a position as most when they become single parents. You work, you have a place to live, you're thoughtful and are actually thinking through the core issues maturely.
It would be great if you could try single parenting and then decide on your best course of action.
Unfortunately, you can't just try it and see. Once the decision is made, that's it. You are now no longer that person you are now, and you're becoming the person that you will be.
You can continue on the track you are now, the goals you have now, the life path you've decided, all the actual decisions you want to make for your own life, albeit with a life long emotional burden of wishing things were different and wondering about your child.
Or, you can choose to be a single parent. All the decisions you make will no longer be about you. They will ALL be about being a single parent, and what's best for the baby.
Being a parent should be about selflessness.
Being a human being just living life is about self focusedness. I won't call it selfish or self centred. Because you're allowed to focus on yourself when it's only yourself to focus on!!
When you have a child and you're a single parent, all decisions and all consequences are on your shoulders. For them and for you.
My daughter has enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined. I went to university, I became a teacher, and I have a good profession now as a lecturer.
But! I know that my life would have taken a different trajectory had I not become a single parent at 21. I had dreams of travelling like a gypsy, living in different countries, becoming an artist, struggling and suffering for my art, before settling down and marriage, and have as many children as I could. I always wanted a big family.
You're choosing between 2 different lives. One is reasonably predictable and always you focused, with your decisions geared around your desires.
The other is stepping into a life you have no idea what will happen, and you're responsible for nourishing, supporting, loving, educating, and living with for the rest of your life. There are no do-overs, you are the one on the line when it comes down to it, and you will feel a spectrum of emotions you never thought possible.
Of course I don't regret choosing my daughter. I do regret not being able to see the other version of myself. It may have been a much worse life. Who knows? That's the point, we can't know.
No matter the age, you'll never be prepared for being a parent. Never!! But, you can be a lot more prepared by waiting until you're older and have lived your own life before having a child.
An adoptive family is one that has already lived their lives and are ready, so so ready, to welcome a baby.
It's the emotional burden you're struggling with, and for that you need therapy. Especially if you can get adoption specific therapy.
If you choose to take on being a single parent, you'll be okay :) you'll survive, the baby will be fine. You'll meet a partner that is fine being a step parent and you'll make it all work. Your family will help when they can I'm sure. You'll need a lot of support, for the rest of your life, but certainly in the next 12 years.
I hope your decision is about you as a person first. Then about the baby second. What's best for the baby will become apparent once you focus on what you really want from life first.
Update - September 22, 2023 (5 days later)
Posting this as an update because my original post received so many comments that it’s hard to really follow everything there anymore.
I was really surprised by how many people responded and honestly, the advice was all over the place and admittedly some of it got me pretty worked up. I think it really helped hearing some unbiased thoughts of my situation though.
There’s no huge update really. I’ve decided that just sitting here passively and not saying anything won’t get me anywhere.
My ex and I are in regular communication. We don’t talk every day but we text every few days. She told me she can’t find any adoptive parents that feel right yet. She really wants me to start looking at the stuff the adoption agency has sent. She asked if I had looked and I told her I skimmed some stuff but it doesn’t really make me feel good. That was my opening to tell her I’m really not sure how I feel about adoption and I’m having second thoughts regarding my own desire to parent my child or not. She asked me what I was really trying to say and I tried to communicate that I’m not saying she should keep the baby and be a parent right now, I understand why this is the best decision for her, but I’m not sure if it’s the best decision for me. She said “What? You’re going to be a single dad? Hahahaha.” I told her maybe, it’s not that crazy. She said it is crazy and “Don’t do this to me.” She basically feels like if I do that, even if I don’t hold it against her, she’s still legally the mom and suddenly she’ll be this horrible deadbeat parent who isn’t involved with her child at all. By placing the baby with another family, she breaks the legal ties and she doesn’t have to feel like she’s quite as shitty of a person.
Even my own mom is unsure of how to feel about what I’m considering it, but she would support me. She understands my feelings about not wanting my child to be raised by other people, but worries I’m biting off more than I can chew. She still support me 100%. She thinks it’s crazy but she also thinks I can do it if it’s what I want.I admittedly cried like a baby about it to my mom and in true mom fashion she thinks I need to “follow my heart.”
Relevant Comments:
Picture what you want for your future 5 years from now, what does it look like?
OOP's reply:I didn’t originally picture having a 5 year old kid 5 years from now, but I have started to sort of be able to picture it. I always thought I’d like to be married and have kids in my early 30s. I’ve never really liked the idea of waiting until I was 40+ to start a family. Definitely thought there be a little more time before that happened but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world to me.
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I would talk to your mom about how much support she is really going to give? I assume she works too and has obligations.
You plan to how your going to be a single parent and work. Look at child care costs, start asking around about daycares ect.. You don't just show up and they have a spot.
There's alot to do before you have a baby, does your job offer paternal leave ect.
OOP's reply:Yeah I started looking at daycares around me, out of curiosity. The average cost for infants around here is $1200/month. I had no clue that people had to get on daycare waitlists months and months I’m advance, sometimes even longer.
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Her right to choose is hers. Your right to choose is yours. If she gave birth and changed her mind when you didnt want the child, she wouldnt think twice even with feeling guilty.
You decide for you, no one else. This is a child, not a toy.
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For some reason, reddit is full of teenparents this week. If a 16 year old in high-school can do it, why wouldn't you? I get what your ex is feeling though. With adoption, she can just close that chapter and feel released. If she sees you struggle with single parenting, and not lift a finger to help, she'll be a dead beat parent.
In the end, your mom is right though. You can't make a decision like this only rationally. Adoption sure is the easiest solution, practical challenge wise. And if you're ok with it, it's fine. But if you're not ok with it, the struggle you'd have with single parenting will be worth it, to have your baby.
There is no right or wrong choice. And no one can make the choice for you. I would however strongly advise to talk to a lawyer, to see what all options mean in the end. Is there a thing like open adoption for fathers, for instance. That might be a half of column a, half of column b. But that too, is something you would have to be comfortable with.
OOP's reply:
She won’t “see” me, as I live states away. So it’s not like she’s have to physically see me or the baby, but she’ll still know and she could still contact me, in theory. That could get really messy too, for both of us. It’s something to consider.
I am going to talk to a lawyer just to get some solid, professional guidance.
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OP, I’m gonna jump ahead some years and ask a question. If you raise this lil one on your own and Mom grows up and decides she wants to know the child, what would you do? She seems concerned you’ll hold her accountable some how if you single parent, she could relinquish her parental rights but what if she changes her mind? Sorry just curious because I think you are going to be an amazing Dad if you choose that route.
OOP'S reply:I’ve been thinking about that exact scenario and truthfully, I’d probably be pissed if she suddenly decided she wanted to be involved years later. It wouldn’t likely not be anything I had any choice or control over and she could legally enforce her rights. Ultimately, I’d want to do what was best for my kid though and I’d try to look at it like that.
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To me this reads like your heart has made up its mind. Your head is trying to process all of the rational details that comes with.
I will say, it sounds like you have an amazing Mom, which tells me not just that you have a support system but a good example of the kind of parent you’d be.
I can see your ex’s concerns, but I wonder how much of that would be pacified if you told her you’ll just stay off social media. Her fears seem to be more perception.
I think it’s worth saying all those rational details, new skills, difficult choices you’re considering. If you decide to be a father and commit to this baby, they don’t need to worked out all at once. Every parent, even the ones in the most prepared circumstances take one challenge at a time and adapt as they go.
It is clear you love this child, so whatever you decide, will be the right choice.
OOP'S reply:Thank you. And I think you’ve summed up exactly where I’m at now. I think my heart feels one way but rationally my brain is trying to catch up.
Update 2 - My ex gf wants to place our baby for adoption - 6 days later
I’ve decided to pursue custody of my child and will not be consenting to an adoption. My ex gf may or may not still try to pursue adoption. There’s no way to know right now because she hasn’t talked to me since I told her I was uncomfortable with adoption and exploring my own options.
I have a consultation with a lawyer next week. In the meantime, I contacted the appropriate local county health departments.
I can add myself to the putative father registry in the current state she’s in. I’ve already downloaded the form and will get it notarized and sent off on Monday. This will do nothing to establish paternity, but will hopefully mean that I should be notified should she try to place our baby for adoption without informing me herself. The other state (the state she’s from and where her family lives) doesn’t have a putative father registry.
I’ll still need to establish paternity as soon as the baby is born. That is, if she even informs me when she gives birth. I’d really like to be there or be able to get there as soon as possible, but I really have no clue what she’s thinking or planning at this point. l that I have a pretty clear understanding of my options for establishing paternity and am hoping that by then she’ll be willing to sign an affidavit establishing me as the father. Otherwise, I’ll need to go through the courts.
In an ideal world, she’d agree to a prenatal paternity test. I do believe I’m the father but it would be nice to have that definitive assurance before I completely turn my life upside down for this. Since she’s not event talking to me currently, I can’t ask her for that right now. Maybe once she has a chance to process things, we’ll be able to talk about this more and she will cooperate. If not, I can’t force her to do anything and may have to wait for the test. She’s really stubborn so I can see her digging her heels in.
I’m leaving her alone right now but I will communicate my decision to her after I speak with a lawyer.
All of the comments on my previous posts really helped. The constructive criticism was needed. It gave me some important things to think about and questions to answer for myself. It did make me doubt myself, but ultimately the negative comments telling me not to do this or that I can’t do it only served to motivate me further.
She’s around 23 weeks now. It feels like her due date is still a long ways away, but now that she’s at the point of seriously looking at and interviewing potential adoptive families I felt like I couldn’t wait much longer to make a decision and move forward with it. Plus, it’s going to take me at least that long to figure out some of the logistics. I previously had no clue how expensive daycare is or that waitlists are often months or sometimes even more than a year long. I need to save money, start budgeting, maybe even considering moving slightly closer to family. I haven’t figured anything out beyond just making the decision, but that was probably one of the hardest parts.
Comments
DatelineDeli
I say this with so much concern for your success - move closer to family. Along with keeping your child, it will be the best thing you can do for the two of you.
Make sure and check out “buy nothing” groups on Facebook. Also cruise the free/for sale sections on nextdoor.
Wishing you good luck.
OOP: I think if we end up back here I will plan to move closer to my family. Not that I plan to make them raise my child. It’ll just be better to have that safety net if people a little closer.
But somebody else made a good point about not moving yet. If my ex decides she wants to be involved with the baby, I will have to be prepared to move to where she’s at. She lives a few states away. I’m not trying to force that on her, but I’m the back of my mind I know there’s a possibility that she could change her mind. I will not live stayed away from my kid and I’m not out to have full custody or keep her away if she does end up changing her mind. I think best thing for me to do will be to save the money so that I’m prepared if/when I should need to move - wherever that might be.
My daughter was born on New Year’s Day and I just found out - 3 months later
My ex-girlfriend gave birth to my daughter on New Year’s Day and didn’t inform me until today. I’m so pissed off that she would do something like that to me. I had asked her to please let me know when she went into labor so I could do my best to get there asap. We broke up before she told me she was pregnant and we now live in different states.
My previous posts detail a lot of the backstory, but basically she wanted to place the baby for adoption and I ultimately decided that I wanted to keep the baby. She has maintained that she doesn’t want to be a parent and has not been planning to be involved.
I have been preparing to be a single parent for the past several months, with the understanding that there was a chance that she might change her mind and want to be involved with our daughter. I told her no matter what, I wanted to be involved with raising my child and whether she changed her mind or not, I was going to be involved. Even after we broke up, our relationship was good for the first part of her pregnancy.
We communicated regularly and she wanted to involve me in the adoption process and all of that. As soon as I told her that I wasn’t going to consent to an adoption she turned cold (and I get it - I ruined her plans). She has been giving me very brief updates, basically just to let me know everything was fine.
We had one big long conversation and she seemed to accept my decision, even though she was still upset about it, and made me promise that I’d give our baby all of these things she really wanted her child to have in life. I thought things seemed good or better after that. She even told me where she was at over the holidays, in case something happened.
She already told me she didn’t want me in the delivery room and I didn’t fight that. I was disappointed at the idea that I wouldn’t see my daughter being born, but in the grand scheme of things it was something I could live with. She told me she’d tell me when she went to the hospital so I could prepare.
Today she sent me a picture and said our daughter was born on New Year’s Day. She wasn’t due until the end of January, but she is healthy and only spent one extra day in the hospital. The baby went home with my ex-gf and her parents. She said it’s only fair that she got a few days with her before I knew, since I’m taking our daughter away forever.
I’ve told her that if she changed her mind I would rearrange my life (job, home, etc.) because I’m not going to live states away from my child. She’s trying to act as if I’m the bad guy taking her baby away now.
I don’t feel prepared yet. I mean, I felt like there was nothing else I could do to prepare and it was just a waiting game, but now I feel like I really need the extra few weeks. I wish somebody could just knock me out with a sedative until my flight out there because I’m just buzzing like crazy with all the emotions. My mom was supposed to come with me, since I plan to stay there for a few days before traveling back home, but due to the unexpected timing my sister is coming with me.
I just have a bad feeling about how dealing with my ex will be moving forward. I have a lawyer and already have things in motion to protect myself and my daughter but I had just really hoped that things could be amicable between us. I feel like I’ve done nothing but try to be nice and understanding every step of the way.
Comments
InfamousCup7097
For the sake of the relationship and baby. Let it go. Don't even bring it up. Tell her thank you for delivering such a beautiful baby and that you are glad they are both okay. Be happy and enjoy holding your kid. After you land text/call her and ask her if there is anything you and your sister can bring her (lunch, diapers, anything she needs for the next few days).
After a few days then have the conversation about what the new plans are with either her being involved with the baby or you taking the baby with you. Ask her what she wants. Don't have a huge fight it will make things worse. If she is stuck on adopting her out still then tell her you already made arrangements to take her and call your lawyer.
Don't throw the lawyer in her face. Make sure your sister doesn't overstep or be mean to the mother of your child and make things worse. Congratulations on your new little one. Life is about your child now. Keep that in mind. Good luck.
Update: My daughter was born on New Year’s Day and I just found out - 1 month later
I’ve received many private messages asking me for an update and I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to most of them. I’ve had a lot going on and my hands full since meeting my newborn daughter last month.
I’ve only been at home with her for a few days and am still getting settled in here. During the second week of January my sister and I travelled out to where my ex-girlfriend lives and I met my newborn daughter for the first time. It was awkward to say the least, with her whole family staring at me and silently shooting daggers at me.
I felt like a jerk, but had to remind myself that I’m not taking our daughter away from her mother. She is choosing to not be directly involved. I have told her that I understand if she changes her mind. I’ve left the door open for her. It’s just not a situation you really prepare for.
I was so happy to meet my daughter and all of these people staring at me were so sad. So I sort of hung around there for a little while because it felt wrong to just take the baby and leave. I was waiting for a queue from my ex to indicate she was ready and eventually she told me to please leave, but that she would want to see her again before I left town. I rented an air bnb because I planned to be there for a few weeks.
Because I wasn’t able to be at the hospital within 72 hours of the birth to fill out all of the appropriate paperwork as originally planned, she and I had to go to the local health department to file a paternity affidavit. She willingly went and signed everything. The baby’s last name will now officially be changed to mine, but my ex picked out the first and middle names and I chose not to argue.
As far as custody goes, the paternity affidavit allowed us to agree to share joint legal custody. I had to submit to a court approved paternity test as part of that, no big deal. She does not actually want joint legal custody. She wants to give me full legal and physical custody, but the form only allows us to officially establish joint legal custody. She has full physical custody because that’s just how the law works there.
I was already aware that this would be the case and my lawyer is working on filing the appropriate forms in court to amend everything. We both want me to have physical custody since I will be the primary caregiver. I am opening a court case. I’ve explained the steps we have to take and she understands. This is how the process works there and even though we’re in agreement right now, nothing is legally enforceable until there is a court ruling.
At this time, she’s in agreement and claims that she doesn’t plan to fight it. She just wants to get it over with. I told her that she may want to think about it, because it feels like she is just trying to rip the bandaid off as fast as she can right now. I know sharing legal custody could really backfire on me but I just want her to feel sure. I got the sense that she wasn’t sure but was just trying to follow through with a complete break.
I feel like I’m on thin ice right now. All I have is a signed, notarized letter of consent to take my daughter out of state, so I’m anxious to get all official legal proceedings done. I don’t think I’ll be able to relax fully until then.
The baby herself? She’s perfect. She’s so small. Everyone warned me not to get too many newborn size clothes because she’d grow out so quickly, but the newborn clothes are still a little big. I think her features are becoming more noticeable now, but the only trace of me that I sort of see is her eyes.
I look at her and it’s like my heart just wants to explode. She’s the tiniest, cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life and this is my kid? It still doesn’t feel real. I’m still getting used to saying “my daughter” out loud when I have to call to make appointments. I think she has colic.
During the early part of the day she seems happy and able to nap and doesn’t cry a ton, but around dinner time she starts screaming and will cry almost nonstop for hours. She spews vomit like you wouldn’t believe. The only thing that semi soothes her is being out in the stroller and rolled back and forth over and over. She was just switched over to a special formula but I think it’s too soon to know if it’ll make a difference. I had colic too apparently.
A year ago, I never would have imagined any of this. It almost feels like I’m watching somebody else from the outside.
Comments
JooJooBeeNYCgirl
First off congrats again. Your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you. Calling your baby “my baby” is definitely a surreal experience in the beginning. It’ll warm you heart forever.
You’ll definitely get into the swing of things. I hope that the new formula helps her. I hope that the legal end of things gets tied up really soon too.
Wishing you the best with your daughter.
**New Updates Start Here**
I now officially have sole custody - but suddenly mom wants to visit - 2 months later
I officially have sole legal and physical custody of my daughter! Took a while for all of the paperwork to be filed and approved, but everything has been finalized and it’s such a relief. Even though her mother was cooperative, I was constantly worried she’d suddenly change her mind (or her family would convince her to change her mind, since I believe they have a strong influence over her) and accuse me of taking off with our kid.
I’ve posted in a few groups over the course of all this, but to sum it all up - my ex-gf (21) and I (24) had an unplanned baby. She didn’t tell me she was pregnant until after we broke up and I had moved to a different state. She wanted to place the baby for adoption but I decided I couldn’t do that. I’m currently parenting my daughter on my own. She still has legal parental rights but is not involved in any way.
My daughter is almost 13 weeks old. I think I was meant to be a parent and for some reason the universe deemed it to happen now instead of when I always thought it’d happen later in life. I still have no clue what I’m doing most of the time, but I’m happy and I love my daughter so much. I think we’ve both come a long way in the past 3 months.
I had to go back to work earlier this month. Unfortunately, I’m still in the wait list for a few daycares that are going to be the best options for me cost-wise and location wise. The only one that had an opening for her age was out of the way as far as my workplace goes and was at the very top of the budget. Let’s be real, daycare in general is nearly out of my budget but I’m going to make it work. My workplace is letting me work from home a few days a week as I transition back to work. They all know the situation and have been very accommodating. On the days I go into the office my grandma is watching her for now.
I admit, I actually felt really depressed when I had to go back to work. As much as I was looking forward to the adult interaction again, I was sad. I might have actually cried once.
I hadn’t heard from her mother since I brought my daughter home for the first time. I did have to reach out to her a few times regarding the status of some paperwork that we filed but I did not mention the baby, send unsolicited photos, etc. I know she said she doesn’t want to be a mom, but I guess I found it weird that she never even asked about her once.
Now she’s reached out. I’m assuming that the custody stuff may have played a part. I don’t really know. She asked if I could send her some pictures, and I did. Then she asked “What if I want to see her in person?” Well, ok. But I told her she’ll have to come here. I don’t have any PTO time and I don’t think it makes sense for me to have to travel states away with a baby for her to see her. She said she doesn’t know when she’ll have the money and time to do that. I told her I don’t know what to tell her then. It seemed like she either wanted me to go to her or for me to pay for it. I can’t do either of those things. How do I still feel bad for her for some reason?
Comments
Unnecessary_Timeline
You’re doing everything correct. It sounds like she chose to give up a parenting role in the child’s life, and you facilitated her request while also being a parent.
If she now wants to be a parent, literally all of the effort has to be on her. She must make the trips, pay any potential support, accrue supplies for a newborn child, etc. She has to show effort and commitment
You keep living your life, and when she asks to see the child, do not overly burden yourself to accommodate her.
Also, in a legal sense, you should not leave the child alone with her. It sets a precedent for her gaining some custody in the future. Make sure you are always present during any time she is with the child. But do give her things like pictures or videos when she asks.
If she wants her own parenting time without you present, you need to make her go to court for it.
It sounds harsh and it is harsh. But it’s the reality of what is best for the child. You cannot give her any slack because that’s how “rubber band parents” are created. And having a parent who constantly enters and leaves your life is far more harmful than not having that parent at all.
techieguyjames
Absolutely make her go through the courts. This way, everything is documented, and permission can be given/denied.
IceQueenTigerMumma
It is absolutely not reasonable for you to have to travel to see her. Don’t set that precedent.
All you need to say is that you will make your baby girl available if she would like to visit and that it needs to be by agreement and at her own cost.
Update - 3 months later
I’ve posted several times, but it’s been a while. I don’t have much time to post or respond to the messages I receive here anymore, but I’m on vacation this week (my daughter’s first trip to the beach) and I have some free time. Honestly, I guess I’m feeling really good and just a little bit petty and wanted to share an update as a response to everyone who said I wouldn’t be able to handle it or that I’d be begging/forcing my child’s mother to be involved.
I don’t expect anyone reading this to remember anything about my story. Long story short, my ex gf from college got pregnant and planned to place our baby for adoption. I really did try to accept it and go along with it, but I couldn’t wrap my head around having a child out there. I’ve been raising her as a single parent without any real involvement from my ex. I accepted that this would be the case and I respect her choice. I have a very supportive family, so I have help in that way for sure, but nobody is raising my daughter for me.
My daughter will be 6 months on July 1. She’s doing really well for the most part. She’s been diagnosed with Sandifer Syndrome, which is something most people, including myself, have never even heard of. She has uncontrollable muscle spasms after eating due to acid reflux, which her originally pediatrician brushed off and made me feel like I was just worrying too much or overreacting to here colic and severe projectile vomiting after meals. Luckily, this isn’t a life threatening illness or something that should affect her for the rest of her life. It should clear up by the time she’s 1-1.5 years old, if not sooner.
She’s already doing better with some diet changes and some other changes on my part as far as feeding positions, frequency of feeding, etc. She’s doing so well now that the doctor is holding off on putting her on medication and thinks she probably won’t need it. She developed a secondary condition called torticollis, which is essentially short right neck muscles that cause her head to turn to side, so she’s going to weekly physical therapy for that and thankfully it’s something that can be resolved and isn’t a lifelong condition or anything like that. I feel bad, even though I’ve been told repeatedly that none of this was caused by anything I did. Rationally, I know that, but I’m finding that a lot of feelings you have as a parent aren’t always rational.
She goes to daycare now, just started a few weeks ago. Prior to that, my grandma was watching her during the day, so I was really lucky to have that help. I’m still learning to be comfortable with dropping her off at daycare. Before she was born, I thought “daycare, no big deal.” It’s hard to trust total strangers with your kid who can’t at least talk to tell you what’s happening all day. Not to mention the cost, but having my grandma watch her for the first few months allowed me to save up a very tiny bit.
I’ve paid off credit cards and have vowed not to use them again, so I have that credit in reserve should I ever have any big emergency. I’m definitely budgeting, my sister is into couponing and sales and knows how to get all the deals so her help has been invaluable to me financially.
My daughter’s mom isn’t directly involved at all. I don’t resent her and I haven’t tried to force her to be involved or even asked her to do anything. She contacted me a few months ago and wanted to come here to visit our daughter. We live states apart now. Around the time I started occasionally sharing pictures with her. We don’t really talk about how she feels or is handling any of it. Sometimes I’m curious about how she feels but really it’s none of my business. She went back to school and is focusing on that now. She never came to visit (she wanted me to pay for it, and I told her no - it wasn’t even totally a matter of not wanting to, but I don’t have the money for that). She sent me a really nice, long text on Father’s Day. We don’t talk unless it’s to give her a little update when she asks. I guess feel kind of mixed about sharing the updates and photos, but am trying not to be an asshole about it.
I guess that’s all I really have to share. Pretty boring, but maybe that’s a good thing. I received several Father’s Day messages from people here and didn’t think anyone would even remember me months later, so thanks to everyone who has been following this journey and been kind and supportive.
Comments
Consistent_Ad5709
You sound like a happy father and you're adjusting well. Keep enjoying the small moments because they grow so fast.
Temporary-Profit-643
Tip on those credit cards. If you treat them like a debit card (i.e. you pay them off literally immediate as soon as possible) your credit score will go up, cashback will gain, and you can avoid debt. If this becomes too tempting, however, just don't do this until you are comfortable.
You got this, your child is so incredibly lucky to have you in her life. You are amazing, and you got this, you awesome dad!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.