Hey everyone like in the headline mentioned I really messed up and I need advice.
This will be a long text, because I want to give you a whole picture of what happened.
I'm a female 31 years and I have one child and I'm married. I'm depressive since several month. My husband is neglecting me for a long time, he cheated, he's a narcissist and gaslights me a lot for several years now. Of course I considered several times to end things between us, but it's so hard. No matter how poorly he treated me, I always was loyal, I never insulted him or blamed him. Because I'm too insecure, have a low self-esteem, no self-confidence, can't set boundaries and stand up for myself.
It's been like this for years and it got worse the last 9 months. I was at my lowest and I feel so trapped, because I didn't know what to do. I don't really have true friends and no supportive family background. I felt lonely and on my own. I watched a lot of TikTok and viewed relatetable stuff, sometimes commenting on some. I was looking for help, for advice and feeling not so lonely anymore.
One day a person commented to one of my depressive comments and offered to listen. After considering for two days if I should open up, I did. It turned out that the person is a 14 year old teenage boy from another country. It felt weird for me that I talked to him, but he listened to me and didn't judge me at all. I thanked him for listening and that would have been the point to leave things be, but it didn't.
He texted again about general stuff and things he went through in his past and I returned the favour, I listened to him gave him advice and we started texting regularly. We texted about our days, our interests and recognised that we're pretty alike. We enjoyed talking to each other about general stuff and personal things and really trusted each other. He literally knew everything about me and I about him. We did this for like a month every day.
Then we recognised we catched feelings for each other. At first I pushed it away and said that this is not right, but one day later I gave in. He gave me all this what I was missing for years: love, patience, appreciation, he listened to me and treated me so right. We then shared intimate photos and texts for 4 days, beside our normal conversations. I was in my own little world with him. On one day he mentioned his parents and then reality hit me. That I had this deep emotions to an teenage boy and that this wasn't right and that I'm still married and have a child.
I started to realise that what I was doing isn't right and that we need to stop this. The whole situation was bad enough at this point. I felt so bad about everything that happened that I started to have panic attacks and feel sick. I feel like the worst person on earth, I still do. I explained my thoughts to him and he accepted it, he understood that this isn't going to work out well. I apologised several times to him and that everything is my fault. I never should let that happen. We stopped talking for five days. He wants to be friends again, because we have this emotional bond. I'm not sure if being friends is a good decision and I don't know what to do, I feel so horrible. Of course my romantic feelings towards him are gone. I'm so pathetic and ridiculous. Should I better break contact or accept the friendship offer?