Reposting this as a reminder to raise a glass today to Ryan (thanks for the reminder from one of our members)

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 15th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

AITA for spending my son's university fund on a trip to Europe to drink beer like I always threatened instead of giving it to his step brother after he passed away.

My son was smart. Smarter than me. I almost requested a paternity test because he was so damn intelligent. THAT IS A JOKE.

My ex and I divorced when he was about 12. She remarried when he was 14. I did when he was 16.

I had an RESP set up for him. That's a education fund in Canada. As long as he went for post secondary education he could use the money for anything.

I always told him that I was okay with him not going to university. That way I could use the money I had saved up for him to go to Belgium and buy some beer from monks that only allow you to buy one case.

He knew I was joking and he always played along. He wouldn't let me get his goat.

When he got accepted to McGill it was the proudest moment of my life. I took him out for a beer to celebrate his achievement and mourn the loss of my trip to Europe.

My son was struck and killed by a drunk driver in March. I'm dealing with it. My ex is dealing with it. My wife has been nothing but my rock in this. She is holding me up.

I was dealing with the funeral arrangements and everything when my ex came to talk to me about his money. She knew he had a scholarship and was just going to use the money for living expenses and an emergency fund. She asked me what I was going to do with it.

I said I was going to do what I always said I would. I was going to Europe to drink beer. She asked if she could have it for her step son. I thought about it and said no. Her husband is a decent enough person but he made it clear that he wasn't responsible for any expenses for my son. Beyond food and shelter and stuff obviously. Like I said he is decent.

I said I was not going to do that. I was going to go drink beer in my son's honour.

She says I'm wasting thousands of dollars. And I guess I am. I have to give back the government portion of the fund. But I don't care.

My ex thinks I'm being stupid and irresponsible wasting my son's money like this.

I don't care.

My son would laugh his ass off if he knew I actually did it.

Comments

No_Lavishness_3206

NTA. Sorry for your loss. I thought it was a clickbait title but this is a sad fucking post. I hope you enjoy your trip and pour out some for your homie. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship.

OOP: Thank you.

GamerCow3991

Dude, sorry for your loss, enjoy that beer in your son's honor, man, NTA

No-Alarm-2208

NTA You don’t owe your ex-wife’s stepson anything, OP. Sorry for your loss. Have that beer in Belgium in memory of your son.

milliepilly

I totally agree. You should never have been asked for that money. That was totally out of line. Please spend that money to find joy in this world through your sadness.

jasemina8487

especially while he was dealing with funeral arrangements. this is also the mother of thw deceased child too so instead of mourning her son she is acting like a damn vulture

jerseygirl1105

My first thought was SHE ASKED FOR MONEY AT THEIR SON'S FUNERAL??

MikeyMBCA

No, no, you misread... BEFORE the funeral. While he was making funeral arrangements for THEIR son. Jesus, OP's ex-wife is a ghoul. Wonder why they split up?

rocketdong69420

Wonder why they split up?

The world may never know.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 5 days later

Hi everyone. We are on our way to the airport and on our way to Barcelona. We will be going to be in Europe for a month. The visit to the monks at Westvleteren will be the last part of our trip. Two reasons. I don't want to lug beer bottles all over Spain, France, Belgium and Holland. Also I am putting it off for as long as I can.

For those of you that asked my son's name is Ryan. He was an amazing kid. I don't know if he got his love of the microscopic world from me. I did teach him how to make his own sourdough starter and I will be keeping his alive to make loaves and waffles with. His ashes are in our yard, on Mount Tremblant, on the shores of the St. Lawrence and I will be taking some to Belgium. My grandfathers have many friends buried there and I think they would approve.

I thank everyone that offered to buy me a beer. And while I appreciate the offer I'm pretty sure my liver, and my wife, would not have been happy with me. I will be with the monks on the week of June 23rd. If you would like to join me in a toast with your favorite drink of choice I would love that more. I love knowing that people all around the world know about my son and he would love knowing he was toasted in such a manner.

I spoke with my wife, my ex wife, her husband, and his son. I invited them to join us, at my expense, for the last week of my trip. My wife's stepson was friends with my son. I didn't know how close until we spoke. They are gaming buddies. They spoke almost every day playing online. He gave me a picture of my son I did not have. It is a picture of the two of them age about 14/15 at my ex wife's wedding to his father. My son looked great in his suit. I cried. He did too. We had a very awkward but heartfelt man hug. Then we laughed. They will be coming to say goodbye with us.

After talking to my accountant and my lawyer I was told that I could not have transferred him the value of the RESP. I have decided, after talking to my wife, that we are going to give him enough money to cover one year of tuition. Even after my trip we will have money left over. I'm trying to do some good with it. I also said that he could call us any time he needed since he will be attending school close to us. So funny he got accepted here and my son was accepted there.

I want to thank everyone who shared their condolences with me. I want to especially thank everyone that helped me plan my visit to Belgium. I know we won't see each other but you were invaluable.

I don't think I will have much to say after this. Maybe I will post an update after the trip.

Comments

SnausageFest

I love updates like this. Too many people here get wrapped up in this ultimate moral right. Recognizing you're not the asshole, but you are in a position to help others and choosing to do so is a lovely way to be and something we should all aspire to.

magneticMist

Truly, OP has an amazing head on his shoulders and heart in his chest.

svkatt

What a lovely update!! I will put a reminder to have an adult beverage in honor of Ryan the week of June 23rd.

Uniquorn527

I was going to say it would be great if OP can post an update on the day so we can be reminded and join each other with a drink to Ryan.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP

Posted 11hrs ago 23June2024

For refusing to let my sister move in and take my master bedroom because she had to break her lease?

My (F22) sister (F24) works fly in fly out in the Australian mines (big money) for 5+ she’s had many shared leases with people over the years. She’s struggling to find a roommate at the moment.

About a month ago, we had a casual conversation about the idea of her staying at the place I’m renting with my partner (M24). Important detail, me and my partner have separate rooms as we need our own space and it works for our sleeping schedules. A couple ideas were thrown around, I offered the spare room which is very small and can only fit a bed. She proposed taking my master bedroom and offered to pay more, which means me and my partner would have to share or one of us move into the tiny room. I said I would talk to my partner about this and get back to her.

As of a couple days ago, she told me the landlord is not allowing a second person. For context, I left abruptly from a toxic workplace and now on mental health leave. She straight up texted me, “I don’t want to stress you out more but….. when can I move in lmao”. Told her I would sleep on it, then the next day she texted, “two weeks to move in?”. I had a talk to with my partner and we agreed it’s better if she takes the spare bedroom as she’s 2 weeks on at her mining job and 1 week off. I called her and said she can have the spare bedroom, then she had the audacity to say she’s moving into my master bedroom because and she will pay more. I said absolutely fucking not because the room will be empty for two week at a time. And on top of that she’s unclean and untidy, my worry is she will leave my room disgusting. She did not take this well and said that I agreed to her taking my room (which didn’t happen).

Today she blew up my phone with texts saying I’m petty for not letting her have my room, and that she deserves luxuries. Also she doesn’t want to come home to a tiny room after living in one at work. I’m a young person who is finally living in my own place after being in shitty living situations. Why does she feel entitled to take my room and disrupt my life for her convenience? I know she’s my sister and I understand her situation and feel for her but this can’t be the solution. Am I the asshole?

..............................................................................................

Posted 1hr ago 23June2024

Update/context: AITAH For refusing to let my sister move in and take my master bedroom because she had to break her lease?

Link to original post:

Thanks for all the comments and validation, really gave me some perspective.

Here’s the update.

Just FYI this is my partner’s account as I don’t have my own.

My sister and I have had a rocky relationship since forever (due to childhood trauma), I’ve cut her off many times due to this kind of disrespect and breaking of boundaries. I’m not perfect myself but I want this relationship to work.

Our phone conversation ended in a screaming match where I stated she will only get the spare room, but she insisted it was unfair because she would pay more money!!

She later texted me a photo of a workmate holding up the middle finger with a text saying “(name) said you are being petty lmao”

I texted back in the fashion many of you suggested.

OP: “Tell him he’s a cunt”

OP: “You’re a guest at my home you’re not taking the master bedroom. That’ll be empty for two weeks”

Sister: “You cannot keep using the excuse "It will be empty for two weeks" How the fuck do you think I've had roommates before and how anyone that does FIFO have roommate before like I'm gonna go live in a small room for my break as Well as going back to work and living a small room again like awesome no luxuries sweet”

OP: “You are not a roommate! I’m doing you a favour by letting you have a roof over your head for a short while, you don’t get “luxuries” when it’s your only option. Also my “luxuries” get taken away in MY home because you say so???. your VERY out of touch with the average full time young adult living in a strangers room because that’s their only option, Absolutely not fair. I finally have something to myself After three years of shit…..”

Sister: “Girl you aren’t the very last and only option lmao your just the easiest”

OP: “Okay then my offer is off the table”

Would I be the asshole if I cut off this bitch off again?

, on Reddit this is controversial.

lol, right? I would not let no stanky man touch me.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

1 update - Medium

- 18th June 2024

- 22nd June 2024

AITA forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband while I work full-time to support the family

Long story short, my husband (37M) used to work to support the family while I (36F) stayed home taking care of our 2 y o daughter. Last month, he lost his job and told me he felt exhausted and wasn't eager to do anything. I said okay and offered to work so he could look after our daughter at home and get some rest until he feels better.

By the way, our daughter goes to daycare, so it's mainly some housework and picking her up. But he said no, he needs his time to be completely free. I got furious because this means either I work while also taking care of our daughter, or our family will face significant financial pressure.

But I stepped back anyway and had a hell of a month doing everything while he hung out with his friends and played PS5. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told him he had to choose between being a househusband or divorce. He chose the first, but it felt forced.

I keep questioning myself: was I too harsh? Any good advice would be appreciated.

Update: I never thought this would draw so much attention. I'm trying to read as many comments as I can and I really appreciate your opinions, especially those pointing out things I should have told him and I didn't. I've decided to show him the post after work and see if we can have a real talk based on that. Again, thank you all.

TL;TR: I told my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband, AITA?

Comments

somethingstrange87

NTA adults with children don't get to have their time "complete free".

bored-panda55

This. NTA. It’s is one thing to not jump back in a job it’s another to ignore your family completely. OP your husband can spend some time your daughter is in daycare to seek out therapy as well.

FoggyDaze415

NTA. You were very reasonable. Bluntly, you don't get to "rest" the way he is when you have a kid. You have to take care of said child.

OOP: You have a point, I didn't get any rest.

langleybcsucks

Actually you had to take care of two children just one was quite a bit larger

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 4 days later

So, I got off work, picked up my daughter, and showed my husband the post after she fell asleep. I told him that millions had seen it and made various points. I admitted that my ultimatum was an impulsive reaction and that I preferred having a calm discussion to work through this. He said he was surprised I shared family matters on Reddit and that he wouldn't have done it.

He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off. I kind of understood because we used to travel a lot before our daughter was born, and life has been harder since then. I told him I wouldn't force him to work and that he could take his time as long as he could pick up our daughter and do the housework. He hesitated but told me not to worry.

I thought this was the end of it. Then, the next day, I came home from work to find his mother there. I was shocked because he hadn't told me anything. She started picking up our daughter and doing the housework. This is driving me crazy because I have never gotten along with her well, and my husband knows this. I feel like he asked her to come so he could continue being childish, disregarding how I feel.

His mother raised him as a single mom, and according to my husband, she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life. He felt suffocated, so he went to a university far from home and reduced contact with her. I remember one time she came and got sick, vomited, and I cleaned up her mess. Suddenly, she asked her son to come and told him that her underwear was dirty and needed to be washed by hand that very night, even though we had a washing machine.

My husband and I had agreed that our marriage was ours and that she wouldn't come and live with us. He broke his promise.

I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while, but these days of living with her are already driving me crazy, and I don't see a quick end. I've thought about being an AH and forcing her to leave, but that might lead to divorce.

I really need some advice. Thank you all.

TL;DR:I (36F) showed my husband (37M) the last post, and we had a talk. Then, without asking me, he invited my mother-in-law to come, even though he knows I’ve never gotten along well with her.

Comments

Open-Incident-3601

The best news is that your daughter is so young that once you get through the transition she will just grow up with you two being divorced. My bio parents divorced when I was two. I have no memories of them ever being together.

OOP: This helps me a lot, thank you for your words.

13surgeries

It's far better for your daughter that you get her out of that unhealthy dynamic. I stayed in my nightmare marriage for the sake of my daughter, and sticking around for the crazy did more damage than taking her and getting the hell out would have. She's grown up now and is in therapy. She's also gone NC with her father. Please don't make my mistake.

Open-Incident-3601

And if you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.

OOP: I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.

parisskent

It happens so easily and subconsciously. ALL of my ex boyfriends are exactly like my dad but my husband is exactly like my step dad.

I emulated the toxic relationship my parents had without realizing it and then when my mom showed me a good husband and father and a healthy relationship, again without trying or realizing it, I found it for myself.

Once I saw her in a good marriage it was jarring when someone was showing red flags because it wasn’t “normal” to me but before all I knew was toxicity so the red flags didn’t look so red they were what I was used to.

OOP: Good point, I'm starting to worry about that my daughter would estimate it unconsciously.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Thanks to for the rec!

Trigger Warning: abuse

Mood Spoiler: frustrating and confusing

Do NOT comment on Original Posts or DM the Original Poster. See rule 7. OOP gave me permission to post this. Remember to be civil in the comments.

Original : June 10, 2024

My husband (41M) and I (32F) have been married for 10 years and have a routine where we eat dinner while watching TV. We sit next to each other in our big, comfy chairs, using little TV trays. However, he prefers to hold his food instead of using his tray (this is important later). He works from home most days, while I work from home fully. We talk throughout the day during breaks, so we don’t really have traditional dinner conversations (e.g., "how was your day").

My husband suffers from seasonal allergies, and some months are rougher than others. He has allergy meds and we always keep tissues nearby, but he often says he "doesn't have time" to reach for them when we're eating (because he's holding his plate and refuses to use the TV tray). Over the past year, he’s started doing something that I find extremely disrespectful and disgusting. When he feels a sneeze coming on, he moves his plate to the right and turns his head left—toward me and my plate. He doesn’t warn me, and if I’m not paying attention (scrolling netflix for something for us to watch, or already chowing down), I don’t notice until it’s too late.

He sneezes violently and repeatedly, without covering his mouth, all over me and my food.

[OOP] Editing: Seems as people think this is a nightly thing, it's not and never has been. It's just too frequent, and annoying, for me. It's not only when we're eating, either. It's not only when I'm around, or never around other people, either. I'm not sure why these assumptions were made. I hope this clears things up.

When I tell him how gross it is, he says it’s “not that bad.” I’ve had to throw my food away multiple times because I refuse to eat it after it’s been sneezed on. I'm sorry, it's gross, I don't think asking me to eat whatever was expelled from his nose and mouth is reasonable. I’ve also had to clean myself off several times because I don’t want spittle and whatever else all over me.

When I threw the food away, he said I was overreacting and being "unreasonable." I told him he should either use the TV tray, or sneeze in the direction of his own damned plate if it's "no big deal" (as he says). He has refused to trade plates with me several times when this happens, and he groans and acts like I'm causing an issue when I say we should trade. Once when we were having takeout and didn't have any leftovers, he even added so much chili to his food that it was too hot for me to eat, and sat there, smugly, saying how now I couldn't ask him to trade. It felt childish AF. This has just added to the feeling of disrespect coming from him. I’m tired of throwing away food, but I also don’t want to eat it after what he does to it. It’s gross.

WIBTA if I just moved my chair away from him while I’m eating? He says he can’t control this, so I don’t see another solution if he’s unwilling to not sneeze in my general direction. I know he’ll huff and puff and roll his eyes and say that I’m being “unreasonable,” but I doubt he’ll make more of a fuss than that. But would this make me TA? I just want to eat my food without his nasal contributions, is that really too much to ask?

Editing to add:

A sincere thank you to the folks who actually gave good advice, listened, and cared: Thank you, from the bottom of my anxiety-riddled heart. I mean it; it means something to me to know that someone, somewhere, genuinely cares about a random stranger on the internet. You're not as rare as I thought, which is nice to know in the grand scheme of things.

I'm beyond overwhelmed with the replies. I'm not an extrovert, I'm trying to keep up with the replies but (as said), I'm also trying to get some work done. I never expected this many reactions. It's a lot to sort through and I'm sorry to those who left genuine comments, that I missed. I will try to go through and answer everyone, but if I miss you, sorry about that.

I've gone from thinking this was just a "move the chair / don't move the chair, it's not worth the drama" post to questioning whether or not I'm in an abusive marriage. And what that means for me, for him, for us, going forward. I honestly wasn't thinking of this as abusive. I feel more than a little stupid for not recognizing it, especially because, if I read this story from someone else, I'd be outraged.

I'm ashamed and genuinely embarrassed. I can tell you one thing for sure: I will not be getting sneezed on today, and we will be having a conversation about it, soon.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. Why are you eating in the same room? This just grossed me out so bad. Manchild needs to grow up. I hope he has other redeeming qualities

OOP: As I mentioned (to another commenter), he tends to dig his heels in when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable (like sneezing on my food and me, apparently, sigh). In general, I enjoy spending time with him, even when we're eating (with the exception of sneezing fits during the last year)—otherwise, we wouldn't be married.

He's usually patient, caring, polite, and affectionate, which is why this behavior feels so out of character and jarring for me. I'm really quite pissed at the moment, as this happened again last night and I've had it. Really frustrated.

Commenter: You're fully aware that huffing and puffing is gaslighting, right? He'd not offended you don't want to be sneezed on and "think" he's not helping you by trying to not sneeze on you. He'd be mad you're actually taking steps to keep him from fucking with you.

Let's get real... He's being an absolutely disgusting human being on purpose. Otherwise he'd swap meals and turn the other way. And you're just taking it. He'd be upset because the fun would be gone and you'd be comfortable again. Let that sink in.

OOP: I cannot reconcile the idea that he's doing this on purpose simply to "mess with me" with the same guy I've spent the last 10 years with. It's just not like him. I think I'll see how he reacts to me moving my chair while we eat. He may huff and puff, but he'll accept it. I'll move my seat back when his hands aren't occupied, and he can again reach for his tissues. It's not a big deal for me to move a chair in the grand scheme of things. I'm not going to assign him motives—that wouldn't be fair to him.

Commenter: (part of a longer comment) I'm getting the impression this probably isn't the first thing he has tried to convince you you're overreacting to, is that the case?

OOP: It's not the first time he's told me I'm overreacting, no. It's far from it. Unfortunately, I've responded to a lot of these comments and found myself defending the dumbest things. Things that, if friends told me their significant others were doing to them, I'd be so angry at their partners. It's a sad place to find yourself.

I'm going to move my chair, we're going to have a talk, and hopefully, he'll agree to couples counseling. I don't feel like this is normal.

Honestly, after some of the replies on here, I'm not sure I want to share more. I'm sorry, the more I share the more upset I get, and the more people claim it's ragebait, which actually really hurts my feelings. So. Sort of a no-win situation for me.

What are you even doing here when you're so obviously NTA? Smack him and be done with it

What I'm doing here is looking for support on moving my chair, because I've spent the last year going back and forth between "You're overreacting" and "This is intolerable!" I wanted an outside perspective on moving the chair without having to share this disgusting, humiliating situation with anyone I know socially, as it's embarrassing. As for why I'm not slapping his head off, I don't hit people—I’d make a terrible Jerry Springer guest.

Commenter (part of a longer comment): NTA You can't control other people's actions, you can only control your own. So what if he huffs and puffs at least he won't be getting snot on you. He's going to huff and puff regardless because you're going to get mad when he sneezes on you. At least this way, you get your way and if he gets mad he'd be the unreasonable one. And don't even verbalize that

OOP: I think you're right about the huffing and puffing, because he also complains when I throw food away. I won't be saying "I'm more dry here"; it made me laugh, but it feels unnecessarily antagonistic and might just make him more upset, which isn't my goal. My goal is simply mucus-free food.

I don't generally go without eating; you're not the first person to mention this, so I should probably clarify in my main post. I grew up food insecure, so we usually have a full freezer. It's very rare that I don't have backups available (except that one time when we had a power outage and everything spoiled, that week was an absolute nightmare). We live in a city, so I can always order takeout or venture out to eat somewhere (even though I hate the idea of spending more money and wasting the other food).

It bothers me that he doesn't apologize and avoids admitting fault quite a bit. But I don't believe it's vindictive; I think it's just carelessness or a sort of disregard. I don't mean to assign motives to him or paint him as a bad guy because he's really not! I can't believe that someone who treats me well in general is doing this intentionally to upset me. It just doesn't feel like something he'd do.

I've shared such a tiny portion of our relationship, and based on some of the replies, people seem to be imagining him as some sort of pitchfork-wielding devil or needing a diaper, and these things just aren't accurate. Maybe that's my fault for asking in the first place.

I think I just need to move my chair, and try to really talk with him again.

Commenter: NTA Anybody that does something gross to you that they won't do to themselves is TA. I am concerned about his completely unwillingness to compromise on any solution, though. Do he do that with anything else?

OOP: He tends to resist compromise, especially when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable. He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I (or anyone else) am wrong. We don't clash often since he's usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful. I think that's why it feels so jarring when he behaves this way.

On trying to avoid being angry:

"Avoid being angry" - I've already failed on that front. Last night he did it again, and I stood up, handed him my food, and left. I went out to eat alone, and I'm not really a fan of eating out at all, being solo made it strange. I told him, when I got back, to just let me know which show he watched so I could catch up later. He said I was being childish (which might be accurate), but our evening other than that was normal, when I got home he acted like everything was fine.

I'll try explaining to him how it makes me feel. He can be really stubborn when he thinks my negative emotions (like feeling hurt or sad) are unreasonable. He has said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way about (whatever he did)," but it feels like he's putting the responsibility for my feelings solely on me, as if other people wouldn't feel the same in my situation. It comes across as dismissive.

Commenter: Yeah, you’re describing someone who does not give a shit about you unless you’re tiptoeing around displaying only emotions and behaviors that please him. Open your eyes. And what is this nonsense about not getting angry? HE IS DELIBERATELY GETTING HIS DISGUSTING SNOT ON YOUR ON YOUR FOOD and you’re supposed to meekly explain that it makes you feel sad? Fuck that.

It’s very hard to believe this isn’t fiction.

OOP: Believe it's fake if you like. I'm an insecure person, and I have a hard time with confrontation. Right now, I'm actually hesitant to even post this, because you used caps, which (to me) is screaming, and I tend to avoid people who scream at others. That's how much I don't like confrontation. It's very hard to believe that you haven't seen worse on reddit to the point that my situation is somehow the end all be all of outrage here.

Commenter: Sometimes, people aren’t who we think or want them to be. We just fall in love with their potential. And sometimes, we think people love us, when they don’t know how to love others. Are you sure he is who you think he is and not who you want him to be or who he COULD be? And even if you truly love HIM, do you really think he loves you back the same? Not, “he loves me the best he can” but with the same level of respect you show him? Does he enrich your life for the better?

OOP: I'm starting to wonder if he's fallen out of love with me a little? I don't know. This thread has been...a lot. I just wanted a thumbs up on moving a chair, now I'm sitting here trying not to burst into tears.

Commenter: I hope you are able to talk to an independent third party soon. You deserve better than this. You really do. Long distance hug from Norway ❤️

OOP: I'll be insisting on couple's counselling. Answering all these questions has made me realize that he's actually been doing a lot of things that are just not okay, at all, and I don't think I want to live the rest of my life with someone who acts like this. It's not okay. None of it is

Commenter: I’m so sorry sometimes we delude ourselves just to be able to tolerate behaviour we normally would not. I would suggest couples therapy and I don’t generally go there but I think you need the help to navigate this situation otherwise you are going to get to a point of no return. Unfortunately I would guess he won’t go saying that you are the problem he does nothing wrong (the delusion thing) but you at least may need to go to understand what you want for yourself. You actually sound like a really good person with someone who is not always a nice person.

OOP: This whole thread feels like a giant mistake. Like I just ruined my own life somehow, by asking too many questions, by reading too many replies, by giving too many examples of things that - viewing them from the outside - are so super screwed up.

Commenter: where s he charming & loving exactly? I'm not seeing any behavior to support that.

OOP: He wasn't always like this. I never would have married him if he started out this way.

Another person, who was in a similar situation, said the same thing happened to them. That it started by letting small things go and, before they knew it, they were a doormat - and that's how their marriage lasted as long as it did. Like you said, frog in a hotpot.

We still do our hobbies together, but he used do other things with me, too - we used to walk the dog together, cuddled in the afternoons, we'd take turns reading aloud to each other (whcih sounds stupid I'm sure, but it was sweet) while the other drew or painted, spent our weekends doing fun things, just the two of us. It was really nice.

He still does small things from time to time, like bringing me my favorite icecream when I had a really tough day (work related). I appreciated that, a lot. But asking him to walk our dog together, he'd just roll his eyes and say he's really my dog (which he is, I do all the grooming, vet visits, and walking - but he was once OUR dog).

In answering all the questions I got, I realized just how messed up things had gotten. It was so gradual, though, I didn't see it as it happened and now, here I am, asking if it's worth being spit on to avoid a confrontation because I'm not sure it's worth it. I updated saying I'd get counselling for us, and I'd love to tell you that's going to happen. But I'm worried he's going to pretend that I'm overreacting, and refuse to go. And I'm honestly not sure where that leaves me.

One last thought from OOP on this not being the only shitty thing he does:

No, turns out, it's not. As I've answered other people's questions, I've realized just how dysfunctional our relationship has become. I've slowly devolved into a doormat, because it was easier to just tolerate all the little things that hurt, than it was to go through an emotionally exhausting conversation about behaviors and changes that need to be made. I just let it slip. And now I'm on reddit, asking to move a chair, and realizing just how fucked up everything is.

Update (Same Post): June 12, 2024 (2 days later)

Update/Answered Questions:

Our Age Gap: There has been some speculation about my husband being a predator. We met online in a space where people weren’t sharing their ages. My avatar was a sketch I’d done, and his was a character from his favorite book series. He didn’t go trolling for "barely out of college girls"; we met through a shared hobby, which we still share and enjoy together. We eventually started flirting and then shared our contact information outside of the site. So, whatever story you’ve told yourself about him being some sort of creep, it’s not true. That’s not to say there isn’t an unhealthy power dynamic at play, but please don’t demonize a man for something he didn’t do. It’s unhelpful and hurtful. If you think it’s a red flag that I’m sticking up for someone I love, perhaps examine why you wouldn’t stick up for those you love when they’re falsely accused of something, especially something like that.

The Update: Last night, I moved my chair. Yes, it’s easy to move my chair; it glides right across the floor without issue. The positioning is such that unless he performs an exorcist-level head spin, sneezing at me/on me shouldn’t be a problem. He grumbled a bit as we ate, saying I was being "silly". Tonight, there was no sneeze, as is typical on most nights (which, I guess I didn't make clear enough in my original post that this isn't an every-day thing). After we finished eating in our highly uncivilized, no-dinner-table way (which some of you were scarily offended by – live and let live, folks), I moved my chair back.

I started a conversation with him about why I moved the chair and expressed that I was unhappy with him sneezing on me, that I found it vile and disgusting, and that expecting me to eat his germs was not okay. We live in a city, so I can always go out to eat or even order something in if I’m not in the mood to dig through the freezer, but I shouldn’t have to waste money. The compromise was either that I continue moving my chair OR that he starts using his TV tray and sneezing (at the very least) into his elbow. He told me (again) that it wasn’t on purpose and seemed annoyed that I’d bring it up at all. But he accepted it, and that was that. He switched the topic after saying the “Fine” that translates to “I’m accepting this, but I don’t like it”.  We didn’t discuss it further. For the rest of the night, he acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, strange, or strained in any way. I'm sure that's a red flag all by itself, but it's the least of my problems right now.

One small step. I’ll be working on slowly setting boundaries for myself and speaking up more. It’ll be a process. Not a very dramatic update, I know, but this is just what life is sometimes.

Again, to the folks who have reached out, both privately and in the comment section, I appreciate you, your stories, and your feedback. Thank you for your commiseration, and yes, after some of the replies I’ve gotten, I absolutely understand why you didn’t want to share publicly. It’s still helpful to know I’m not alone in this. I also appreciate the patience of the folks who didn’t get mad that I couldn’t respond with absolute accuracy and communicate perfectly in a timely fashion while somehow also being able to analyze my entire relationship dynamic from an outside, totally objective perspective.  That’s a big ask, and I appreciate the benefit of grace and patience from those who offered it.

I clearly cannot keep up with the comments, and don't have hours to spend replying each day, so I'm sorry if I missed you. I hope this update suffices.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: He is intentionally spitting on you and you’re asking if you’re the asshole? Seriously? WTFFFFFF? This is so incredibly disrespectful, it is entry level abuse.

Physical abuse may include being hit, beaten, pushed and shoved, burned, slapped, spit on, choked, kicked, bitten. A weapon can be used but may not be.

I hope you are safe!

OOP: I gave the update. Moving my chair was met with grumbling and comments about it being silly. But that's it. He's never hit me, which is, sadly enough, what I always told myself whenever I felt like he was hurting me, emotionally. Please don't worry about that. He's not that type.

Commenter: I've read some of your other comments and it sounds like you're having a difficult time with some of the things this post has brought up. Reddit can be harsh, but I'd encourage you to really pay attention to how he responds when you have this discussion. Is he open to considering your pov, or is he angry and defensive? Does he listen with a genuine intent to try to understand you, or is his focus more on finding opportunities to pick apart what you've said? Are you able to be in conflict without insults or put downs? Overall, what does his response to you advocating for your needs tell you about respect and love in your relationship?

OOP: His default setting isn't name-calling, physical aggression, or shouting. It's more of an annoyed sigh, an eyeroll sometimes gets tossed in, a comment about me being unreasonable or silly, when I talk to him about things that I think are really wrong/upsetting. As I said before, it feels like a sort of indifference.

But then, after the conversation/confrontation, whatever you want to call it, he reverts to acting like nothing is out of the ordinary or different in any way. He still wants to spend time doing our shared hobbies, still wants to cuddle when we go to bed, still laughs and jokes with me. It's like it never happened. And sometimes he does change things - little things - but that's what life is, really. Little things that add up to big things.

I'm hoping that, after last night's talk and my moving the chair, he'll change his behavior. We'll see. It's not a snap of the finger sort of thing, though.

To a kinder comment:

Thank you for actually having compassion and empathy. I've updated, and I'm basically going to slink off away from reddit. The amount of judgement, negativity, and just general rudeness in so many of the replies is depleting my batteries when I need them most. Thank you so much for trying to counteract that with a thoughtful, honest, empathetic reply.

Commenter: hi op! i know that the person above said to consider couples counseling, but i actually would consider individual counseling instead. abusive partners tend to weaponize terms that they learn in marriage counseling against their partner. in individual counseling, you can focus on your feelings without worrying about potential weaponization from him

OOP: I think solo counselling will be a thing, whether he wants to go, or not. Because I've clearly slipped into some sort of strange spiral of shame over things I haven't even done, or that I shouldn't be ashamed of to begin with. We'll see how it goes. Thank you for the recommendation.

OOP clarifies:

Our conversation isn't over, I'm just giving him a moment to accept and process, and then I'll bring it up again. It's a process, and it's slow, but it also gives me time to recharge my batteries in between - I hate confrontation, and I have a very difficult time with boundaries and standing up for myself in general. Maybe this approach of the series of conversations, or pauses between, doesn't work for everyone, and it's probably not the healthiest approach. But (thus far) it seems to be at least making progress, which is ultimately my goal in this situation. I'd like to not move my chair at all, but more than that, I'd like to know why this is something that he's okay with doing to someone he says he loves.

TL;DR It's far from resolved, it's just not going to be a one conversation and done.

Commenter: Interesting how when you weren't next to him to be a target he no longer had a need to sneeze.

OOP: It's not a daily thing, though? It never was. It just happened often enough to become an irritation (he just had a sneezing fit a few moments ago, in the hobby room, by himself).

One more comment from OOP:

I'm not trying to win any battle, I'm trying to not be sneezed on. And I wanted to update people on the non-result of moving the chair, because other people said he might "escalate and retaliate" (which he did not). The red flag is that he seems to not want to dig into the deeper issue (of why he was doing it, and felt it was okay - that is a deeper issue for me), so that we can fix whatever the root of the problem is, so nothing like this happens again in future. I'm not sure how I could have communicated that better, but there it is now, I hope this helps clear things up.

Mini Update/More information/clarification in : June 15, 2024

I'm responding to the people who called him a creep, despite the fact that I was an adult when we met. They've also claimed I was 'targeted' by a 'predator.' I'm glad some of you missed those comments, but it doesn't mean they don't exist, and I'm not going to NOT push back against them, because they're ridiculous and insulting. Not just to him, but also to me. I wasn't a child bride.

Broad generalizations about ages and problems that stem solely because of age are hardly going to help anything here. Mostly because not all relationships, or people of the same age, are alike. The age gap isn't always a problem for all people.

I don't know what the problem is in this situation, which is why we're trying to get to the root of it through talking and (hopefully soon), therapy. But I can tell you that you don't actually know either. You're guessing and using broad generalizations and assumptions to back up your guess.

I'm not sorry that I'm choosing to work on my marriage, and not throw a whole person, whom I love, away. You don't have any skin in the game on this, so I'm not expecting you to understand, but, seems as I'm now in my 30's and somehow this garners more respect for some idiotic reason, I hope you accept my answer.

Again, do NOT comment on Original Posts or DM the OP. See rule 7. Be civil.

Editor's Note: OOP and I chatted in dms- I wanted her permission to post since she expressed consternation about her husband finding it. She is ok with me posting since she believes he would have found it already (especially since it has been crossposted elsewhere and on youtube.) As indicated in her posts and her dms to me, she is already receiving harassment from reddit. Let's not add to it, and don't jeopardize the sub by commenting on original posts.

Editor's Note 2: On a COMPLETELY different note, I forgot to remind you all that if you want to toast to Ryan (from post,) today is the day!

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 19th June 2024

- 21st June 2024

AITAH - For not telling my Ex that I am married?

I had a weird situation happen last weekend and was hoping to get perspectives on if what I did was wrong?

My wife and I were near Seattle last weekend visiting my family. We are both in our early 30s and are happily married for 4 years (together for 6). We went out to a bar on Saturday with a bunch of my friends to catch up. When I was going to the restroom, I felt a tap on my shoulder and to my surprise it was Jen, my ex. Jen and I dated for 4 years in our early 20s.

Jen left me because she wanted to explore herself and since I was her first boyfriend, she felt like she was missing something in life. I was very happy with her, and I had a job in tech that put us on a very stable financial path. I was probably a few months away from proposing her. I was heartbroken and it took me a few years before I could start dating again. Although Jen and I stayed friends for a year after breakup, I went NC with her so that I could move on, and never talked to her since then. My wife knows about all this.

Back to the incident, Jen tapped on my shoulder, and I was surprised to see her. She hugged me and we exchanged pleasantries. She was there with her friends, and they were all sitting at the bar (I knew most of them). They also came to say hello. We chatted for a few minutes before I felt like I need to end the conversation.

We mostly talked about what I was doing back in my hometown and how we have been. I abruptly told her it was nice to see her after years and that I need to go back to our table as I am out with my friends. She said ok, and I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me. My friends identified Jen from our table and my wife came to stand next to me. I told my wife, what a weird coincidence and took her hand and went back to the table.

When I sat at the table, all my friends started talking about Jen. My wife seemed visible uncomfortable about the situation. I tried to change the subject, but I learned that Jen married someone few years ago, and they got divorced last year. She moved back to our hometown so she can stay at her parents' house until she figures things out. My wife seemed really interested in Jen's life and asking a lot of questions while I was just trying to avoid the whole topic.

When we were driving home, my wife asked me why I didn't tell Jen that I was married, and she was my wife. She feels I should have introduced her to Jen so that Jen can see I am happily married to my wife. I told her I was just trying to end the conversation as I went no contact with her long time ago and I prefer to keep it that way. My wife asked me how I felt after seeing her after a long time. I told her that I was surprised since I was not expecting to see her, but to be honest I felt like she was a stranger. I told my wife that I did feel sad that things didn't work out for her.

My wife was upset because she felt I should have introduced her to Jen. She felt that Jen hugged me for too long and I should clearly have told Jen that I was married and have a lovely wife. My wife feels she came all the way from the table to stand next to me and felt slightly insulted that I did not include her in the conversation.

From my perspective, I was just trying to get out of the conversation and don't see how it would have helped anyone. The issue became worse the next morning, when Jen sent me a friends request on Instagram and also messaged me on my phone saying it was nice to meet me. I feel that trigged my wife (and for some reason my mom who went on a rant about Jen because she hated Jen when we were dating. That made my wife very happy).

My wife feels that I did not communicate clearly to Jen that I was married and that was the reason why she messaged me the next day. I rejected the follow request on Instagram and also did not respond to her message. However, a part of me feels my wife might be right and I did something wrong here. Am I the AH for not telling Jen that I was married and introducing her to my wife who was standing right next to me? I just wanted to get out of the conversation and was in a hurry to end it.

Comments

Plastic_Concert_4916

I don't understand how you spent time catching up but didn't bring up your wife once, even if it's just by insinuation by using We instead of I pronouns. I'm married and it's natural to say We without even thinking about it. We're visiting the family... We just bought a new house...

It also seems more natural for you to have told your ex "I have to get back to my wife" instead of "I have to get back to my friends." Like, you were with your wife first and foremost. Hopefully she's not an afterthought to your friends.

And if you truly wanted to end the conversation, your wife was a built-in excuse. "Sorry, I really have to go. My wife's waiting for me."

I do find your behavior kind of odd. Is there a chance that, at least subconsciously, you didn't want Jen to know you were married?

TwoBionicknees

His wife went and stood next to him with Jen right there... and decided not to introduce her. This will 100% at best appear to ops wife like he wanted to get out of there before either, wife notices there is something between OP and his ex, or ex finds out about his wife. Like to her this situation is insane and shady as fuck and so those would be the reasons to try to get out of the conversation quickly without introducing her or letting her know he's married.

Also instead of accepting her friend request, infront of his wife and saying oh, I was a little shocked to bump into you, I forgot to introduce you to my beautiful wife who was standing next to me, he just doesn't accept the request. Which again just looks like hiding shit rather than openly telling her about his wife. It's weird any way you look at it.

Imagine your wife standing right next to you and you can't take 3 seconds to introduce her.

If my partner did that I'd be mad as fuck at her because frankly it's just straight rude regardless of who they are talking to, but in this situation it also comes across as trying to hide something.

mintywalker1290

YTA - you told Jen that you were there with your friends. You didn’t mention and your wife? Why is that?

neo_sporin

“That’s it, I got rid of her”-/Turk

“So fast how’d you do it” - Carla

“I just told her I was married”—Turk

Scrubs already did it!

Numerous-Dot-1530

YTA. An ex asks you how you've been over the past few years and one of the top things on your list of why you're so good Isn't that you married a wonderful woman? Hmmmm.

**Judgement - YTA**

Update - 2 days later

I wrote a post a few days ago regarding bumping into my Ex Jen when I was on a trip to my hometown. My wife saw me talking to her and came up to me, and like an idiot, I forgot to introduce Jen to my wife. My wife was a bit upset that I did not tell Jen I was married. Thanks everyone who commented and let me know unanimously how stupid I was during the whole interaction.

We came back home yesterday. Although my wife seemed to have gotten over the incident, I decided it would be best to apologize to her and let her know that I did not have any wrong intentions. It was just a "deer in a headlight" moment for me and I should have introduced her to Jen.

At night, when my wife was scrolling her phone in bed, I decided to bring up the topic. I told her that I wanted to apologize for the incident on Saturday. I know I messed up royally and I should have introduced her to Jen, so she can see that I am happily married together. I told her that I was just surprised to see her, and I really wanted to get out of the conversation as soon as possible.

My wife said it was ok and she saw flustered I was when I was talking to Jen. She said that when Jen saw me and hugged me, everyone at the table started staring at us. One of my friends Rita, made some scandalous comments regarding why Jen is doing shmoozing with me. My wife had never seen Jen's picture and took her a while to realize that it was Jen. She thought she would stand next to me, and once I tell Jen that I am here with my wife, she would leave me alone. However, when she stood next to me for more than a minute, I did not notice. Jen noticed her and gave her a dirty look. Once I turned around to go to the table, she was hoping I would introduce her to Jen, so Jen knows she was my wife and not some random girl standing next to me. However, I just hurried back to the table with her.

I again apologized to her and told her that from my perspective, I was just trying to finish the conversation and get back to the table. In hindsight, I should have done what she said but I froze in the moment and was not thinking straight. She again asked me why I was acting so weird around Jen. I wish I had a better answer, but talking to Jen just felt wrong and all I was thinking was I need to get back to my wife. I asked her if she felt bad that I was talking to Jen or that she hugged me. She told me that she has always been curious about Jen since I was so close to marrying her. And when she saw me around her, she felt I was still acting like how someone acts around their crush. Moreover, she saw Jen and realized how beautiful she was and felt insecure in that moment. My friends making a big deal out of it did not help either. She asked me if I ever wished Jen did not break up with me. I told her that if I had a time machine, I would wish 100 out of 100 times that Jen would break up with me, so that I got to meet my wife and build such a beautiful life together. This made her smile, and she gave me a big hug.

I asked her if I should message Jen and let her know I am married? She said there is no need to do that since my profile picture on messages is a picture with my wife, and Jen should have seen that already. Also, my Instagram is public with a lot of pictures of my wife and me, So, she asked me to just ignore her message and get on with our lives. Again, thanks everyone for being so brutally honest (as I would expect from Reddit).

Comments

AssistanceOk3669

Your wife's reaction is nothing but classy and graceful especially in a situation like that. It's good you understood your faults and have reassured your wife. Jen is in the past leave her there.

RNH213PDX

I agree - although some of the "friends" seem potential shit-stirrers who are running around with fuel looking for a fire.

kaycup4

Good on you for apologizing and making it right with your wife. We’ve all had “deer in headlights” moments where logic flies out the window. Now you know how to approach that situation should it happen again and just make sure your wife feels secure with you!

itsallminenow

You only get one chance at a first shot. His apology fortunately was sufficient, but he really screwed the pooch with his every action, to the point where if I were involved I'D wonder why he got so tongue tied around Jen.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITA for refusing to let my partner's best friend sleep in one of our spare bedrooms while she's getting divorced?

Trigger Warnings: emotional affair, infidelity, manipulation

: June 4, 2024

My girlfriend Anna (32F, all names changed btw) and I (35M) are currently living in a house that I owned since before the start of our relationship.

Anna's best friend, Kathrine (33F), and I never really got along. Partially maybe because we're very different types of people but primarily it's because she doesn't approve of the fact that Anna and I have an open relationship. Ever since Anna disclosed this fact to Katherine, she accused me of cheating and that I pressured Anna into it. Our interactions have gone from frosty to cold.

And just to set the record straight: it's not cheating. Cheating absolutely exists in open relationships, the thresholds are just set through discussion and neither of us ever did anything that's against these agreed upon hard rules ever.

Also neither one of us pressured the other one: We just had a conversation early in our relationship why our previous relationships failed and realized that both of us struggled with relationships getting "routine" and we weren't ready to mothball the thrill and excitement of meeting and dating new people yet. As we're both not particularly jealous people we decided to try a non-monogamous relationship and it worked well for us ever since.

I also already tried explaining this to Katherine once or twice, so from my point of view I did my due diligence to have a good relationship with her but her perception of that might differ.

Anyways: Last week Anna had an unexpected emergency call from Katherine and, as it turns out, she's serving her hubby with divorce papers because he had a secret affair over the last few months. As a good friend does, Anna immediately invited her friend to stay at our place for a few weeks until things are sorted out. Katherine doesn't have family here but we both have beds in our respective home offices and so in her mind it was the perfect solution.

When Anna told me a few minutes after the call, I quickly had to pump the brakes. I'm not going to lie that the idea of having a hostile houseguest in my own home isn't unappealing on its own already but that's not even my main reason: Both Anna and I have friends with benefits/secondary partners that occasionally stay over when Anna works night shift or I'm traveling for work and they also visit just for the occasional, platonic movie night or dinner party. Friends with benefits are friends after all.

Now, having Katherine here would mean we'd either have to significantly scale back these relationships for an undetermined length of time or have them over anyways. As I imagine Katherine is probably even less tolerant towards perceived infidelity right now, that would probably just be a shitty to hostile experience for our other partners.

Both of these things, to me, sound unfair towards me and our secondary relationships. As we always saw these as real relationships that deserve respect and consideration just as much as our relationship (within some increments of prioritisation of course), I told Anna that I don't want Katherine living here.

Anna pretty much saw my reasoning right away and, given that I own the house, apologized for her rushed invitation and called Katherine to take it back. But since then the situation has gotten out of hand tbh.

Our friends are pretty much split along the lines of "it's your house" and "wow, you put Katherine on the streets just because of your side chicks?" And Katherine kicked the conversation up an additional notch by insinuating that I'm trying to isolate Anna from her and just said no because I hate that they are friends. For the record: I never had a problem with their friendship nor did I ever do anything to limit it.

Anyways, I'm increasingly starting to wonder if my objection has been worth it and the right call or if it's been unfair towards Katherine.

So AITA?

Edit: Maybe to clarify... Katherine has never been outwardly aggressive or offensive against me. It's always been insinuations and probably gossip.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple questions on why other people are involved in OOP’s relationship with his wife

OOP:

Why are other people involved?

Because Katherine looped in additional friends against my/our will.

Katherine is an adult, she is able to resolve her own problems

Yeah, I'd love to do that but I'd feel much more comfortable if this situation is resolved or at least pacified, too. We disclosed our relationship status on basically a "need to know" basis and my worry is that Katherine might actually make it known to people that don't know yet if she continues and this keeps spiraling.

But that's a separate dilemma.

leaving4me: NTA It should have been discussed with you prior to offering, but Anna seems pretty rational and course corrected. There are plenty of ways for Anna to support Katherine other than to to bring this person into your home that judges you and does not accept your relationship. Your objection is worth it as it sound like if Katherine moves in for a term she will serve to cause you problems and frustration.

OOP: Given how much she's already managing to do that from the outside, inviting her in is basically out of the question at this point.

My ideas for extending the olive branch would have been apologizing, maybe trying to find an apartment or a very short stay.

Cute-Profession9983: NTA and Katherine's reaction is all the proof you needed to keep her out of your house. Also, you're not making her homeless, SHE IS. She could have told the cheater to leave.

OOP: Actually one of my compromises I suggested when telling Anna "no" was to take in Katherine's hubby for a month on a purely functional "a bed to sleep" basis but basically Katherine doesn't want to be at their shared home right now because the affair also took place there.

: June 16, 2024

I figured I'd be giving an update because I still get "X upvotes!" notifications for my initial post somehow. The responses were also actually kinda helpful so I'd also like to say thanks and share the outcome.

It was reassuring that so many people agreed we weren't out of line and we should stick with our decision. Even more helpful were the questions why we didn't turn the tables, got in front of the supposed backlash (more on that later) and said "well, why don't you host her then?"

What can I say except that we're not located somewhere where everyone from your barber to your second cousin will blow up your inbox/socials and call you an asshole to your face on behalf on a third party.

We only heard about the criticism against us through the grapevine and we didn't really have a specific person to say "well, then you take her" to. But, after reading your comments, Anna got the idea to let out a WhatsApp broadcast to our shared friend group. It basically said that we're feeling vErY gUilTy BeCAuSe oF KaThEriNE's sITuAtiOn, sorry, very guilty because of Katherine's situation and that it was shitty to make a promise and then take it back... but we simply realized that our lifestyle seem like it might be triggering to her in her current situation that would be uncomfortable for everyone involved... "But we'd be happy to help anyone who'll take her in in whatever way we can."

Cue the crickets.

That was the moment we realized that maybe there were less people on Katherine's side than we initially assumed. Actually, only one couple - who were friends with both Katherine and her hubby - reached out to invite us to dinner, apparently to share some things we weren't aware of yet.

First of all, according to them the "affair" wasn't the carnal thing Katherine made it out to be and more of a "falling out of love" situation on the husband's side that has long been coming. Basically he met someone and that made him realize that his marriage was dead. And he did the moral thing and broke up with Katherine. No one is 100% sure if there's been something physical before that but I wouldn't be surprised if that was all in Katherine's head.

There's also apparently a very juicy reason why he gets to keep staying in the house but this update is long enough already.

Anyways, as for the whole smear campaign lodged against us... turns out that the whole drama apparently consisted of only three things:

• Katherine trying to pressure us and (consciously or unconsciously) sowing rumors that everybody is really angry with us

• A single couple that stood on Katherine's side

• And a lot of people hoping to not get pulled into a war of roses and just nodding politely

The couple that was on Katherine's side are the friends that Katherine hit up right after us by the way. The dinner party friend's theory is that they threw us under the bus and fed into Katherine's outrage because that couple has a young daughter and we know for a fact that Katherine has just as many Karen-style convictions about parenting as she has about relationship styles.

Anyways, Katherine is now basically ostracized, moved in with family a bit outside the city and is working remotely until she finds a condo to haunt this city from again.

I also want to clarify a few things from the original post.

To the people that insinuated that I pressured Anna into this relationship or keep her on a short leash: Given how NM dating works out for different genders, trust me when I tell you she isn't lacking options to get out of this relationship if she wanted.

To the ones that criticized her for not standing up for me: I consciously didn't want to include this part because I didn't want to invite judgment of Anna (yeah, hindsight is 20/20) but that has been a dicey subject in our relationship.

But after having Anna's explicit permission to share this here now... There's actually a lot of backstory with Katherine adopting a loner Anna into her friend group back in their school days and Anna somehow still feeling like she needed to "earn her place" in the friend group/be grateful for Katherine. She's currently looking into going to therapy for that.

Finally, I want to add a last bit of positive news coming out of this shit show. This whole fiasco made Anna and me talk through the whole "someone else moving in" topic. It's not really something we're gonna do in the near future but Anna told me that there's one person she's currently seeing with whom she might be eventually moving into that direction. And this time she asked me early if I'd be okay with her moving in with us somewhere in the future (hinge not throuple for the people that speak poly on here).

I kinda like that Katherine would probably hate that this is the outcome of her whole tantrum. But other than that, I'm really happy things are mainly back to normal now.

Relevant Comments

Adorable_Accident440: Oh come on, what's the "juicy reason"?! Lol

OOP: Allegedly Katherine's husband was the one carrying their marriage financially and shouldering the vast majority of fixed expenses, despite both of them working and not that big of an earnings discrepancy between the two of them.

So when she wanted to kick him out, he apparently said "Sure, I'll let you know when you need to pay what to keep everything running." Katherine goes Surprise Pikachu face at the fact divorce means paying for your own living expenses and agrees to downsize in exchange for moving out and him buying her out of the house eventually.

Basically she was living above her means somehow. No idea where her money went tho.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [21/M] friend [19/F] is trying to be my son's [5/M] 'mom.'

TRIGGER WARNING: Obsessive behavior, stalking

Aug 31, 2015

Fake names, throwaway, usual.

I have sole custody of my son. I'll be the first to admit that I'm very protective and paranoid over Damian, but I don't think I'm overreacting in this instance.

I'm friends with a group of people in the same major as me. The girl in question, Ivy, is a recent edition to the group and is a bit immature, but she's very friendly and nice to hang out with. She tried flirting with me in the past, but I firmly rejected her and she seemed to have gotten over it. We've known each other for about a year.

Recently, they all hung out at my place for a bit. Obviously Damian was there, and met Ivy. Ivy was instantly smitten, because Damian's adorable. Her behavior since then has been really off-putting.

She constantly asks to babysit Damian and pouts when I say no, thinks Damian should come to every study session or hang-out (even ones later at night), wants to talk about him constantly, etc. One or two girls before have tried to be Damian's 'mom' and my response has been icing them out of our lives, but this is a lot more complicated as she's integrated into my main group of friends. I've mostly just not responded to her when she talks about Damian, but I'm looking for ways to shut her down permanently without getting everyone else involved.

tl;dr: Looking for ways to establish a firm boundary between my son and my friend who seems to want to be his 'mom.'

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

I think it's one thing for her to offer once or twice to babysit, then stop when I say I don't need it. The thing is, she's constantly offering to babysit and only seems to want to talk about my kid or our life, which is a bit of a red flag to me.

Also Damian has plenty of women in his life to look up to. My mom or my sister are the people watching him when I'm at school or working, for one.

~

MochingbirdRambler

You can just let her know that while her offers to childwatch are much appreciated, you find his presence during group work and study times a distraction to what you need to focus on at the time. But that her offers are under consideration and if you have need of her, you will take her up on the offer.

The other thing that might be happening is that she is crushing on you, and wants to do you a favor in hopes of winning your affections. Her acceptance of your kid is a way of showing how great you two would be together (This is how I thought as a 19 year old with guy in my friend group with a kid)

OOP

I think I'll firmly tell her that I don't need her to babysit and that I have plenty of people already who can watch Damian, and that I will not talk about him if she brings him up again.

~

whenifeellikeit

So basically Ivy and these other girls aren't actually that interested in Damian, are they? They're more interested in showing you what great mommies they are and how much they love your kid in order to get with you, right?

Cuz, I mean, I have kids (not single, but still) and I don't have a problem with my friends totally falling in love with my sons and inviting them to stuff or asking about them. However, it seems like the situation is way, way different with these girls and your son.

If Ivy gets really overbearing, you might need to get blunt about it. "Sorry, I've got enough childcare, and study groups are for studying. Also, ease up on the maternal stuff, okay? I'm not in the market for a new mother for my son, and you're getting pretty creepy about it."

OOP

That's my feeling about it, and it's happened before. I'm trying to keep down my knee-jerk reaction of being upset over her trying to "use" my son because I don't think it's a conscious decision.

I don't mind my friends loving Damian and wanting to hang out with him. He's a very lovable kid.

~

LadySekhmet

Since you had your son at a young age, you grew up fast. She hasn't yet experienced "real life". She'll get over it. Good for you for sticking to your guns.

Where is Damien's mom in all this? You should tell her in case of Ivy is stalking her FB and such. I don't think it's to the point to get authorities involved, but more of heads up

OOP

Damian's mom is not in his life, period. But thanks for the suggestion.

Oct 22, 2015 (2 months later)

, which didn't get a lot of traction and I didn't expect it to. But god damn did things get strange.

Some things I didn't mention in my original post that probably explained my situation a bit better:

• Damian is generally babysat by my mother, as I rent the apartment above her garage and she is retired. Barring that, my older sister is a SAHM (my niece is four) and she can take Damian in. Damian has also started kindergarten; I definitely don't need any help with childcare.

• Ivy's very intense and outgoing, almost overbearing. As I said before, she's 19 and still has the teenager mindset. She was very badgering about both her flirting and her childcare offers, and I think she thinks that if my kid likes her, I'll like her too.

• I'm very, very careful about who I let into Damian's life, as that could affect him deeply.

• I also have a Facebook I have on (what I thought was) very tight lockdown. I occasionally share photos of Damian up there (like three or so a year, kind of holiday card type pictures.) Relevant.

Ivy and I ended up alone together on campus, and she once again made an offer to watch Damian so I had 'a night to myself.' I firmly said that I don't need a babysitter, her repeated offers were not appreciated, and that spending time with my son is far from a hardship (kid conks out at like eight, it's not like I don't have free time.) I think that got through to her, and she stopped asking. I thought it was over, or so I thought.

At the beginning of October, I went out with my family to a pumpkin patch/fall festival thing. My sister took a picture of Damian and me together; I thought it was a nice photo, so I uploaded it so people like my uncles and aunts upstate could see it. One of my oldest friends (who is a lesbian and her profile picture is her kissing her girlfriend at Pride) made a DILF joke in the comments, which is the same DILF joke she's been making since Damian was born. I think it's hilarious, she thinks it's hilarious, and everyone on my Facebook know it's a joke.

Ivy has my number because of the study group. About a day after I had posted that picture, I get a long, rambling text about how my oldest friend is secretly in love with me and is being disrespectful of my son and I's relationship. It was a wall of text that honestly made me think she was drunk despite it being a Tuesday afternoon, and then I realized how the fuck did she get access to the picture and the comments when we're not friends on Facebook and everything is on lockdown. (She had gone on to a mutual friend's Facebook without him knowing.)

I told her that her next-level Facebook stalking and immense investment in a 5-year-old was incredibly worrisome, then blocked her. I talked to a couple of other people about it, and they all mentioned they thought Ivy's behavior was getting increasingly strange and were going to talk about it with her.

A mutual friend, Maggie, then called me and said that Ivy had come to her apartment sobbing about how I don't love her, I'm her dream guy, etc. Romance novel stuff, very concerning. I got a lot of similar texts until Maggie somehow convinced her to delete my number.

Anyway, I ended up not talking to Ivy anymore anyway and she's probably not coming to the study groups anymore. Hopefully, this was the last manifestation of teenage angst and she'll feel embarrassed about it afterwards instead of something more serious. Maggie says she'll update me in case something drastic happens.

Even when my dick is securely inside my pants, it attracts crazy.

tl;dr: Tried to handle things diplomatically, but Ivy went completely off the rails and had to go no contact anyway.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

backupbitches

Sounds like this was a difficult and stressful situation, OP. If you need some time to relax and recover from it, I would be MORE than happy to watch Damian for a bit!

~

craaackle

"I got a lot of similar texts until Maggie somehow convinced her to delete my number."

Buy Maggie dinner...

OOP

Maggie is a saint.

~

[deleted]

Totally personal question, so feel free to just ignore the question. But, how did you end up having sole custody of your child?

You have been firm and direct with this girl in regards to establishing boundaries. At this point I'd avoid her like the plague. Your mutual friends will understand your need for protecting your child

OOP

Damian's mother stabbed me. At 16 I was not a good judge of character. Still have the scar

[deleted]

Fuck. That was....not what I was expecting

OOP

No one ever does.

~

lexifus

I just appreciate the use of batman names. I hope everything stays alright op. Have a good one :]

OOP

Fake names that were easy to remember.

EonofAeon

So you're a young man, you're caring for a young boy...you've been stabbed...you're distant yet firm and kind, and a lot of the names of folks you know are known associates of Bruce Wayne and/or Batman...and you attract a lot of crazy women into your life without intending to....

Hmm....

Hmmm....suspicious....Hmm....

OOP

I like Batman, ergo the choice in fake names.

I'm also much more of a Jason Todd ;)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Banned 2 years ago due to being unmoderated.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to +

Previous , , ,

[New Update] - My mum asked me to watch my siblings for a week. It’s been 9 weeks.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: children neglect, abandonment, mentions of alcoholism, child abuse, child trauma

Mood Spoilers: frustrated, depressing, hopeful but crushing

Editor’s Notes: Due to the lengths of the earlier posts, they have exceeded the character limits. So I made a TL; DR, for each of OOP’s prior posts to the latest new update. This is in order to fit all posts in one BoRU. For the full text bodies and relevant comments from older posts, please see the previous BoRUs linked

RECAP

: February 21, 2024

OOP is 19F and finds herself watching her younger siblings (16F, 13F, 12M, 9F, and 7F) after her mum went out before Christmas then she texted OOP that she would be gone for a week. It has been 9 weeks since then and OOP only heard from her mum 3 times and said she wasn’t coming back any time soon.

OOP is trying to hang on in order to survive as she and her siblings live with their nan who doesn’t provide any help. Older siblings have moved out of the house as well. OOP asked if it was a legal issue for social services to get involved and with her mum being gone for that long.

: February 29, 2024

OOP got a chance to speak with her mum on the phone, asking for custody. Mum refused to return home, and OOP is done with her shit. The next step, OOP spoke with a lawyer regarding her younger siblings and she should be able to receive legal guardianship through court. Older brother, 22, told OOP, he will move back home to help OOP with their siblings on one condition that their mum does not come back home. Brother is no contact with their mum.

OOP is trying to get things in order and rhythm with her younger siblings since they needed a healthy routine to keep their lives balanced at home and schools. Prior to that, things were in chaos, and nothing has been getting done. She asks for advice and redditors have provided their support and advice.

Additional information from OOP

OOP provided a comment regarding her father’s whereabouts and why he wasn’t stepping up to take care of the family. The father left the family 5 years prior because older siblings have confirmed that he was abusing them. OOP mentions her father has done his disappearing and returning acts many times. This time, no one knows where he is at this moment after walked out.

EDITOR’S NOTE: OOP has appeared into the BoRU after the first one was posted. I have received her permission to share her comment

OOP: thank you sm for all the helpful comments here and messages offering help/advice (i will reply to them all when i can)

Rn I’m putting all my energy into the new routine and trying to sort out legal guardianship so we can get money for the kids etc. Everything else is a problem for later on when we are more settled. My older brother came up last weekend and tbh it was nice but weird bc the younger kids dont even remember him and they pretty much clung to me for the entire time bc having a man in the house is strange for them. But after he left they said they miss him and liked having him here. He’s been sorting his shit out this week and is coming back tomorrow with all his stuff and will be working remote from our house. Me and him have spoken a lot and i think we will be able to get on the same page with the kids and make it work. I’m worried about some things with parenting differences but we will figure it out. I’m trying not to seem controlling but its hard to adjust to someone else being very involved when I have been looking after them by myself. I know I need him though.

My nan was actively trying to undermine me and we had an argument, then my brother got here and he had an argument with her in the first half hour. So she has gone to my aunts for a while. She is still paying the bills here but if she stops we will be ok with my brothers money and mine. My brother wants to take the kids and move house but I am not even thinking about that until everything else is sorted out

Now that things are actually changing our older sisters are more interested and have been messaging me so they might help as well

The kids are not taking the new routine too well but we are making progress so I’m trying to stick with it. I made a meal plan and have stuck to that all week. My 9 year old sister told me she likes rules which makes it feel worth it. The teenagers are kind of a nightmare but Im trying to persevere with them. 13 year old was being horrific and I lost my shit which made her have an emotional breakdown and now she’s been a lot better. 12 year old has taken it ok ish he just tells me I’m a loser all the time and asks for his skateboard back a million times a day but I know he knows where it is so he is being pretty good considering he could just take it back if he really wanted. 16 year old is hell. 7 year old has like 3 tantrums a day and wont eat or sleep so she stresses me out probably the most

my mum hasnt called anymore but is complying with giving us custody and told her friend its the best thing thats ever happened to her. I cba with her and if she tries to come back i will do everything i can to keep her away from the kids

: March 14, 2024

OOP comes back to provide more updates on her family situation after receiving support from BoRU. After reviewing options available from redditors, she goes forward with having kinship as it was the better choice for the family financially than legal guardianship. OOP’s older brother (22) has returned home and is now working remotely, which works great for the siblings. OOP’s older sister has gotten in contact and informed she will send some money to help. Other oldest sister is working but will try to help on her weeks off but can’t guarantee until things are stable.

OOP shared individual updates on each siblings with their acceptance and struggles to their new reality as they are on a new routine with the older brother now in charge. He is helping OOP get the handle of their new lives with a healthy routine at home. The youngest sibling is taking the changes harder. The middle siblings are adjusting okay. The other two siblings are doing fine with Brother being there.

Moving forward, OOP focuses on helping siblings adjust to new changes made.

: April 4, 2024

OOP and her older brother received approvals for kinship on their younger siblings. Mum still hasn’t contacted OOP for a while except to complain about her missing their dad so much. That was the main point for mum to ruin everyone’s days and moods especially OOP’s. The siblings’ nan is still not helping with the family at all. She has left to stay with their siblings’ aunt and can’t stand to be around the children.

Giving individual updates on each sibling OOP has been looking after. Still having struggles with the siblings who are not adjusting very well to the new changes from their older siblings. The 7-year-old sister takes this the hardest, OOP is trying to find solutions to help her youngest sibling especially with having breakdowns because the siblings have no parents now. Slowly, the youngest consider OOP and their older brother as her “parents” after feeling more stable with the new life changes.

OOP and her brother are working on finding right disciplines for their siblings. Brother is trying to find the best ways to keep his younger siblings in check. He had past childhood trauma scars from their father’s punishments of using an electric cord as a whip onto his bottom. Wants to break the cycle and not doing the same thing to the younger siblings.

OOP worked on getting all of her younger siblings to doctors to make sure they are healthy. Making great food choices for the entire family was the goal so the youngest siblings can catch up with their peers on their health. Therapy and other appointments are added to the list, so everyone’s mental health can get back in good positions. The siblings are blessed to have the oldest brother and OOP around with support and love. Things are looking up a bit.

: April 14, 2024

OOP has her own struggles on parenting her 5 younger siblings, but having her older brother there helps so much. OOP was not happy with her 16-year-old sister for videoing their 7-year-old sister having a breakdown regarding their parents’ abandonment. Taking away the 16-year-old’s phone, OOP discovers she has been messaging their mum without OOP's knowledge. The sister was begging their mum to come home to no response. OOP is upset because her sister hid it from her. Mum tells 16-years-old she had better things to do than raising the children altogether.

OOP’s older sister (sister #2), calls in to check with her and the siblings to make sure things are okay and sending money. Still angry at mum for “replacing” her with the youngest sister who is now 7, OOP tells her that it’s not her fault. OOP’s oldest sister (Sister #1) wanted to bring OOP to live with her because she is trying to shield OOP from family problems. OOP tells oldest sister that she will be okay. She needs to be there for their younger siblings. OOP and her brother are still working on getting therapy for all involved.

: May 20, 2024

OOP returns a month later with a new update after receiving more support from redditors. She shares news on things happening in her family. Older sister (#2) is able to make a visit soon to check in with OOP and their siblings. Sister’s relationship with their brother (22) is sort of strained due to past childhood trauma altogether when they and their oldest sister (#1) were younger. OOP understood why her 3 older siblings moved out at 18 while the family problems were not being resolved and affecting their mental health.

OOP and her brother are looking into moving to a different city to have a fresh start with their younger siblings. Brother is still working remotely, and his job is working on helping him moving his family away from their current house. It has been in the plans for a while as brother feels it would do the siblings good to have a clean slate. The finances are getting better for the siblings as OOP and brother are able to budget and save some.

OOP gave individual updates on each sibling as things are improving, but they are still dealing with problems/issues. Therapy has started for a couple siblings while others are still resenting. But overall, all siblings are starting to accept the new reality. 16-year-old has not received any more messages from their mum. OOP confirms the mum is no longer talking to the kids. 7 and 9 years old sisters are starting to see OOP as their mom now. The family’s food diet is improving very much after they made life changes to get healthy.

Oldest sister (#1) is still having trouble on dealing with the family trauma, still wants to move OOP in with her. She refused to see their younger siblings due to her past childhood trauma. OOP wants to break the ice and have the oldest sister meet with their youngest sister to make sure she (#1) knows who her sister is. Grandma is still not helpful for OOP and her brother. Will not move back home, is still at OOP’s auntie’s.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor’s Note: in the next update, OOP has given a name for her older brother, who will be called Matt.

: May 29, 2024 (9 days later)

My sister. It’s the second oldest here visiting, she’s 23. She is here rn and has been here now for a few days. When she first got here i arranged with her to arrive in the evening after the younger kids go to bed bc i thought it would be a bit much and knew she would be emotional. She was shaking when she arrived so defo the right call bc the little kids would have been freaked out. The first evening I was like hellll this is not gonna be good bc she was a serious wreck and wasnt sure she could stay. But then she slept on it and woke up way better and wasnt too emotional except at ‘meeting’ the younger ones since she hasnt seen them in so many years. Since then things have been good. Honestly it has been better than I thought and I feel kind of bad for dreading it so much. She is obviously different from her teenage self. She’s never been really maternal or anything and in my head that was a bad thing but it’s actually good bc she’s hanging out with the kids as a sister not a 3rd parent figure

16 yr old is very similar in personality to her so she has enjoyed having her here and having an adult to talk to who isnt me or matt. 13yr old is clingy af recently and having my sister here means she has clung to her instead of me all the time. 12yr old is not impressed about having another girl in the house and says she stinks (of perfume yeah). 9yr old wants to know why she’s here and when she’s leaving and if she’s going to visit again but when she isnt worrying she is having fun getting my sister to do different hairstyles for her. And 7yr old only has eyes for me and is totally psyched when all the others are hanging out with big sis so she can have me to herself. She did ask my sister to let her out of timeout and was best buddies with her for 10 minutes until she got over being annoyed with me 😂

I have got some time with my sister alone which has been nice to properly speak to her and get her opinion on some stuff and have her clear up things that happened with my dad. She defo has a lot of issues still but she is doing good for herself and pretty happy and isnt spiralling like our oldest sister. She pretty much said oldest sis has a lot of guilt issues for leaving and was expecting me to move in with her at 16 so is struggling a lot that I didnt and doesnt get how I was able to stay when she couldnt. Pretty sad hearing it tbh and I will defo talk to my oldest sister again and try help her but I dont want to get sucked in to being her therapist. Matt has got along with her fine too but they arent besties but they seem like they have put their issues aside and can handle being around eachother which they defo couldnt do a couple years back. Idk why exactly but seems like Matt and oldest sis had guilt issues and my other sister didnt (she has always been self centred but tbh it seems like that might be a good thing for her sake) and they had a lot of arguments about what they should and shouldnt be doing when they left. I think essentially middle sis was having too much fun and enjoying her life too much for the other two to handle bc they didnt think she gave a shit about the rest of us. Which she probably didnt but thats good for her i guess. Anyway she is staying for the week I think since its going pretty well

Other things:

My nan is still winding me tf up alllll the time. She whines at me daily about wanting my cousin to come live here and she threatens to kick us out all the time even tho she told our case worker we can live here as long as we need. Try not to waste my energy getting pissed off at her bc my patience is running thin as it is but jfc she is so annoying and so aggy bc shes offended that I told her she’s a shit parent and grandparent

My mum may have found my dad. I only suspect it because she has been messaging me demanding photos of my 12 year old brother, and chances are she just wants to show my dad that he looks like him. She only gives a shit about her kids when she’s trying to use them to make our dad love her. I told her to go fuck herself bc I’m not sending her any photos. Like get a fucking grip if you dont already have photos of your own child on your phone thats a you problem. She has been a bitch to him his entire life anyway (if dad leaves soon after you’re born or whilst she’s still pregnant with you, you’re in her bad books for life. 22, me, 16, 12 and 7 were all in the bad books before we could hold our own heads up. And the oldest 2 are in the bad books for not being quiet about him abusing them and letting it continue so my mum could live her dream of having my dad at home).

Also should mention my dad has other kids. Idk how many and I have never met them but he has mentioned them before and I thought they may have been made up but my sister said one of them contacted her ages ago so they defo exist.

7 year old has been calling me mummy. I have mixed feelings about it. I feel bad that this little kid has to resort to calling a 20 year old mess mummy. It has made it feel a lot more real like damn I really am all these kids have at this point. I know my mum would never sort herself out but deep down I guess I felt like I’m the temporary guardian and now I’ve fully realised no one is coming to take over at any point. I knew that but idk if it had clicked until a few days of the teeny monster calling me mummy. I’m happy that she has someone she can call mummy though. She wouldn’t have that in foster care so that makes me feel better. It would be really fucking sad if she had no one to call mummy at 7 years old. 9 year old has been a bit upset about it bc I think she wants to call me it as well but it feels a bit uncomfortable for her. She keeps crying saying she wants me to be her mum too but I’m not her mum and she doesn’t know what to do. Ofc i have told her she can call me what she wants and it wont change the fact I will look after her and be there for her the same either way

I am kind of worried 7yr old is going to start calling Matt dad bc she is deep in her wanting a dad era and DESPERATE for a dad. Talks about it a lot and asks about having a dad daily. Which triggers the other kids who hate our dad. So idk if it will go down well if she starts calling bro dad. And I feel like it will be weird for her to refer to us both like that when we are siblings. But I dont want to tell her she cant either. She hasnt done it yet but I can see her edging towards it. She asked me if I was going to marry Matt so he could be the dad. And he is so good with her. I heard him singing to her the other night. So ofc she’s in loveee

With 16yr old I have found it easier if Matt does all the tough parenting shit and I act like I’m on her side kind of. Ofc he knows I’m not really but she doesnt want me parenting her so instead of trying to force it on her I’m trying to be more like just a sibling and he is the bad guy. It doesnt work out perfectly and I still get pissed off at her but mostly only when she does something to interfere with me parenting the other 4. Like 7yr old has her “lovies” (old muslin cloths) she is very attached to and 16yr old confiscated one of them and wouldnt give it back and I had to tell her you dont confiscate shit and force her to give it back by threatening to take her phone. But other stuff I leave to Matt. He is less bothered by the psychological bs with her. He just gets annoyed when i have an attitude with him and she overhears and copies me lol

Its been a lot of trial and error figuring out how to deal with everyone bc like 13yr old is my shadow and does not react well to Matt disciplining her at all but is fine if I do it. And 12yr old is one extreme or the other. Would tell me to fuck off but would cry when Matt tells him off for it. He listens to me better now but only when I grab him and make him look at me whilst I speak bc he is the master of tuning me out. He cuddles me when no one else is around tho and if Matt disciplines him he comes to me crying. 9yr old is a perfect angel until she isnt and decides to have a 30 minute battle with us bc she doesnt want to brush her teeth for no actual reason. She kind of reminds me of myself as a kid trying to keep it all together all the time, but she is safe enough to then let it all out in a meltdown. Mostly she’s pretty easy bc shes reasonable but sometimes she does go full demonic and tests our patience

To everyone messaging me saying 7yr old sounds autistic, she’s not. I’ve discussed it with the doctor and the therapist. She’s got anxiety and abandonment issues and is very stressed in general which is why she cant let herself lose control and fall asleep. But she was not like this before my mum left at all. She used to sleep fine. All of them struggle with food bc they have been eating ramen their whole lives but its harder to get 7yr old to eat better. The older ones I can explain it a bit better that they need the nutrition and they will try and eat more. But she doesnt give a fuckkk about nutrition. And she’s crazy attached to me bc she thinks I will leave obviously. She has tabs on me constantly. But in theory that should all pass with time and reassurance

Matt has been really good at not being like our parents were with us. He walks away a lot when he gets pissed off bc he doesnt want to react badly to the kids. He hasnt smacked anyone since our big argument about it which tbh is impressive considering how it was for us as kids. He literally has scars from my dads beatings and my mum has broken multiple bones on a few different kids. So trying not to be physical at all when thats what you’re used to is hard but we are doing it.

I’m chilling out a bit now with letting him actually parent and not intervening all the time. Like a while ago we were having a terrible night with 7yr old and she was still screaming at about 2am, Matt came to get her off me bc I was about to lose it and as he picked her up she was flipping out and accidentally headbutted him full in the face. I basically went blind and grabbed her off him so fast bc if that was my dad he literally would have thrown her across the room and she’d be in hospital. But Matt just sat on the floor silently and held his nose for a while. And I was like okkk wtf he didnt even seemed pissed off. So a couple more situations like that and now I’m not so crazy in protection mode and feel like I can trust him

Anyway this is a lot a longer than I planned yet again. Cant stop writing when I start even though these updates take me dayyys

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

how many party crashers fans are lurking amongst the spirits? let's find out.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My MIL stole my collection of vintage skeleton keys to sell at pawn and buy herself a new phone

Originally posted to , EntitledPeople and OOP's own page

Thank you to & for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to for letting me know this updated

EDITOR'S NOTE: Since the posts were getting too large to put onto 1 post, TLDR's have been given to past posts. Previous BoRUs are linked for anyone wanting to read the saga completed so far

 

OOP originally posted to but I'm using the EntitledPeople posts as they have more details and information

TRIGGER WARNING: theft, emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse, financial abuse, gaslighting

  Feb 7, 2024

OOP' entitled hoarding MIL broke into his home and stole his collection of vintage keys so she could buy a new phone.

  Feb 8, 2024

OOP gets his MIL to confess and has her arrested. Collection returned to OOP days later.

Discovered MIL sold collection to pawn shop for $300.

OOP's wife bails out her mother. Marriage is over.

  Feb 3, 2024

  Feb 9, 2024

OOP has locks changed, marriage disintegrated, lawyers hired and divorce looming. Wife served papers at work.

  Feb 11, 2024

OOP reflects on his marriage, deep thoughts and anger come to the surface. Regrets having wife served at work, that went too far.

  Feb 24, 2024

OOP's wife tries to be all he wanted, 50s housewife who cooks and initiates sex. OOP turns his wife down. Wife hits the bottle hard.

Wife on hands and knees begging for a second chance. OOP refuses! Looks forward to moving out and riding a bike again.

  Feb 26, 2024

OOP fires back at commenters for calling him an idiot for divorcing his wife over keys, having his MIL arrested. Fires back, and doubles down.

NEW UPDATES

  June 10, 2024

I have decided I will no longer be referring to my soon to be ex-wife as Wifey. Even that feels wrong now. So I'll just be saying STBEXW instead.

A few months ago I anonymously reported my MIL as a serious hoarder. Someone here commented I should report my MIL's hoarding to the Fire Marshal, and at the time I decided to do it because I was angry and wanted to get back at her for stealing my collection from me, and making my life hell. MIL had been building a hoard in her house since my wife was a teenager. The house was filled nearly to the brim with rotten garbage, and was rodent infested. I've actually seen rats there. I made a call to the city from a number I googled.

At first I thought nothing came of it as weeks went by. But I guess someone looked into it, because MIL's house was given an inspection. The house was found to be in even worse shape than I thought. It was not only a serious fire hazard to itself and everything around it, and rodent infested. There were also some exposed electrical wires, a roof leak that's gone unfixed for years that caused bad rot damage and black mold. The outside of the house didn't look that bad, and it was in a neighborhood full of old houses that looked similar. Which is likely why no one reported it till I did.

My STBEXW figured out it was me who reported her mother, what with the timing and all. She came home and ranted to me about all the things her mother told her the inspector found, and how her mother was likely to lose her house now. But it was only a matter of time before something like that happened. If I didn't report her mother, someone else eventually would have. STBEX screamed at me that I was a horrible deceitful person. I asked her if she wanted to be the pot or the kettle, then reminded her of all the reasons why we were separating.

I ended up losing my cool and ranted at her saying that her enabling of her mother caused this. Her acting like her mother stealing my irreplaceable skeleton key collection I've spent a decade building wasn't important caused this. And her selfish unilateral decision making and bratty behavior ever since we got married caused this. Couples are supposed to make decisions together. Instead she just kept making them for us both without even asking my input. So I made a unilateral decision of my own for once and reported her mother's hoarding. Which needed to be reported anyway because it's a danger to her and the people around her.

I told STBEXW I was long sick of just sucking it all up all the time and just letting things pass while they acted like I was the bad guy and walked all over me. Her mother would get nothing more from me. And maybe she wouldn't be as crazy once she's no longer living in a house filled with fumes of rotten garbage, rodent excrement, and black freaking mold! STBEXW just walked away sniffling and cursing me. Yeah, I know I went too far. I'd been reduced to being just as petty as her. I made that call because I was angry. But I had no choice but to stand by that decision after I'd done it.

MIL ended up demanding my STBEXW foot the cost of cleaning and restoring the house. But she couldn't afford it. From what I heard, MIL went off on her with her demands, and told her to get the money any way she could. Even demanding I pay for it since I was the one who reported the house. She even said to sue me. But STBEXW told her it wouldn't work. The house was in exceedingly poor shape. Rotten garbage, exposed wires, roof leaks, rot and black mold. No one should be living in that.

When STBEXW tried to tell her mother she couldn't afford pay for the house to be cleaned and renovated, her mother actually attacked her like a wild animal. She hit and scratched her multiple times, and tried to pull her hair out. That's when it happened. MIL had a heart attack on the spot. Going ape on her daughter must have triggered it. STBEX called 911 while looking for aspirin in the house. But by the time help had arrived, her mother had expired.

STBEXW came home with a police officer in tow for some reason, and was absolutely mad screaming at me about what just happened to her mother. She said this was all my fault. And in all of her ranting, I found out her mother had a weak heart. It's the real reason why she was on disability. The officer had to separate STBEXW from me, and she fell onto the couch sobbing. I hated MIL with a passion. But I wasn't trying to end her life! I still feel great guilt over this.

From what the police officer said, and from what my STBEXW said, I pieced the story together, and later typed it out. But just couldn't bring myself to post it. I was still wracked with guilt. And just had to take a serious break from Reddit.

That evening when I found out my MIL had passed away, STBEXW managed to calm down long enough to speak to the police officer more clearly about what happened. But she also kept shifting between blaming herself and blaming me. I asked her from across the room why I was never told about her mother's heart condition. And she yelled it was none of my damn business. But it explains why MIL used to dramatically put her hand on her chest and cry so many times when she wasn't getting her way.

My STBEXW ended up going crazy in the bathroom she'd been using since we started sleeping separately. She asked the police officer for a moment to herself, then just went crazy after shutting the door. She came out a few minutes later looking angry, but calm. Then told me I was cleaning that mess up. She packed her bags again, and left the house for the motel once more, and told me she wouldn't be coming back unless it was to get her stuff.

I was so guilt ridden that I was hardly able to function for days back then, and had to take leave from work because of stress migraines. I basically spent three days on the couch hopped up on meds. But after that I got my ass in gear again. My friends all tell me it wasn't not my fault. I didn't know, and MIL was crazy. Either way what's done is done. And I have to live with it. Sadly there's more that happened, which I'll be telling in another post.

  June 13, 2024

To the people here who kept telling me not to divorce, that my wife loved me, etc. Y'all couldn't have been more wrong. I couldn't even tell who amongst you were trolls, or just naive fools. Some even brought religion into it. I could care less about someone's religious views on divorce. They are not me. They are not living my life. I remember an old example of a rich man saying he knows how hard it is to pay for gas when he drives a million dollar car. He can't know the struggle of paying for gas when he has enough wealth to buy an obscenely expensive automobile. In the same way someone can't claim to know whether or not my STBEXW loved me just because. They didn't live with her or MIL. They did not suffer at their hands. So they don't have valid reasons so say they knew better.

I also apologize for the length of this post. But there's a lot to say.

Edit: Just wanted to make sure everyone reading knows this all happened months ago. I did that a break from Reddit for some time.

My STBEXW pretty much admitted to my face that she only married me for the financial security. So yeah, I was exactly right. She spent years grooming me so she could trap me in marriage and walk all over me. And yes, she did have plans to babytrap me as well after I initiated divorce. I've confirmed this. But she dropped any act of wanting to save the marriage after her mother died.

In my last post, I told how I reported my MIL's hoarding, and her house was inspected and scheduled to be condemned. She demanded my STBEXW pay for the house to be fixed. But when STBEXW said she couldn't pay, her mother went ape on her and then died from a heart attack soon after. She had a congenital heart condition I was completely unaware of till after she had kicked the bucket. I was told for years she was on disability only for mental problems. But she actually had a weak heart. Her potentially being removed from the only home she'd lived in for decades put her stress over the edge, and her heart gave out when she attacked her own daughter for being unable to fund her home restoration. Yes I do still feel guilty about what happened. But it's in the past now.

MIL's house was torn down. Not sure when. But about a week before making my previous post, I drove over to where her house was, and there's nothing but an empty lot now. The house was likely declared a biohazard or something. Not sure if my STBEXW owns the property now, or if it was sold. I don't know. I can't imagine my STBEXW inherited much of anything good from her mother's hoarder den. That house was so bad, I'd even seen a rat scurry by across the top of the hoard once.

Many past commenters were exactly right about my STBEXW was likely aiming at trying to babytrap me with her love-bombing behavior. A few days after she'd left to the motel when her mother died, I went into the bathroom she tore up to clean it. She'd left it in quite bit of a state the day she left by having a meltdown in there. But thankfully nothing but her personal items were broken. She did splatter shampoo all over the walls though.

While cleaning I looked in the waste basket and noticed a bottle of pills with "Fertility Support" written on the label. When I removed the cap from the bottle, the paper seal had been torn out. I googled this stuff, and it was a common female fertility vitamin that anyone could buy online or in store, not prescription. I confronted my STBEXW when she came to get some more of her stuff. She admitted that she'd hoped to get pregnant so I wouldn't divorce her. But that was before her mother died. After that she said she'd never want to touch me again. And she scoffed when I said I'd felt that way towards her for a while before she did me. I never found out if my ex put anything in the food or open beer she'd tried to serve me though. I searched the house top to bottom for anything else that might have been a clue, and came up with nothing. So she may have just wanted to get me drunk. I can't express enough though how glad I am that I didn't have a child with this woman.

I wasn't allowed to MIL's funeral. Though I didn't really want to go, my STBEXW specifically told me she didn't want me there. And I responded that I understood why. But then later STBEXW posted online that she was furious barely anyone from her family showed up. Not even her father came. And then she lied by saying I was invited, but refused to come. Which was blatantly false. And I had screenshots of our texts proving it.

When my STBEXW left the house after her mother died, she went back to the motel for an extended stay while she moved her stuff out bit by bit. Either to storage, or a friend's place. I don't know since I didn't help. I heard from friends she eventually found a studio apartment. But hated living in such a small space after previously having a house. She was also seen looking miserable at the local laundromat. Our former landlord agreed to keep the extra furniture neither of us could take, as his new incoming renters were happy to use them. A lot of you thought she would. But my STBEXW did not try to sabotage the house in any way other than her bathroom tantrum. But she stubbornly refused to help pay for a cleaning service. She made it more than obvious she was doing that to spite me. So rather than wasting time fighting with her about it, I hired a cleaning crew myself. They and I left that house spotless. And I got back my half of the security deposit without issue.

I did later buy a used Kent Ridgeland bike, and started riding again. The bike had a replacement seat, but is otherwise bone stock original. I only a ride little at a time these days. Currently once or twice a week at most. I just don't have the passion for it I used to. But I do enjoy my short cruises around town. And while I could commute to work on the bike, the surprising amount of warnings I got from people here telling me that's a bad idea made me reconsider doing it. Didn't help that I found out that some friend of a friend got hit by a car while on his bike a couple of months ago. So I'm just hobby riding instead of commuting. My best friend joins me sometimes too. He's got a red Mongoose MTB he dusted off. It needed tires, so I put some on for him and gave the bike a tune-up. And then we took to the bike paths. His bike has gears, but is also much heavier. Mine's a single speed but fairly nimble. So it kinda evens out.

After her mother's funeral, my STBEXW went into full hate-mode. She started badmouthing me on her social media, and told multiple lies about me because she saw me as responsible for what happened to her mother. She claimed I was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive. Which I was not. If anything, she was all that to me. She also played off the value of my skeleton key collection, which she still claimed was worthless. However there was already a fair amount of word spread around through my friends and former mutual friends about what really happened. And they commented on her posts about it to the point she took them down. But I still got messages from angry flying monkeys. The most common thing them saying was that I ended a sick old woman's life over keys. I told them all my side of what happened, and pointed out I had plenty of evidence. Including being told I wasn't invited to the funeral, and showing screenshots of the texts. I was sorry MIL died. But I couldn't have foreseen she'd have a heart attack. And her house was so bad, it was completely unlivable. A select few apologized, most just stopped talking, and a good few persistently called me a liar. So I had to block them.

I ended up contacting my STBEXW to tell her that I'd file a defamation lawsuit on top of the divorce if she didn't stop making posts about me. Which likely wouldn't bode well for her career. I'd already screen-shotted everything I needed from her profile before she deleted the posts. Well she tried to say I was blackmailing her. But she stopped. Then she played the whole situation off as just being angry in the moment. But her lying was still called out, and she lost all her credibility. She soon shut down her social media entirely, and called me afterward to blame me for it. Then she mocked me and said she was glad I was divorcing her. She told me I'd never satisfied her in bed because I was too vanilla. And she wished she could have gone back to her ex-boyfriend. That one actually stung a bit.

To clarify though. My STBEXW never cheated on me. Many people figured she did, including my friends. But no. She just spent a lot of time with her mother. I've also spoken to the man who dated her before me. Some of my STBEXW's former friends still were in touch with him, and gave me his number. He told me dumped her because she and her mother treated him the same way they treated me after I married my STBEXW. Which means their playing nice for three years was one hell of a calculated move. I also learned from the guy that he'd found out the guy who dated my STBEXW before him also dumped her for the same reasons. And he was her high school sweetheart.

I'm afraid there's still more to this, and will make another post soon. I will say though that the divorce is underway, and not going in STBEXW's favor.

TLDR: I confirmed my STBEXW's scheming to try and babytrap me because I filed for divorce. She also persistently lied about me to others and tried to defame me until it all came crashing down, and now her social media is deleted. I am cycling again. Which has been fun.

  June 13, 2024

Just thought since I posted pics of some of my Skeleton Key collection a while back, I'd do the same with my bike.

  June 16, 2024

To clarify since some people didn't know previously, this stuff all happened months ago. Which is why I made three posts so quickly.

After the social media incident, STBEXW tried one last desperate measure to get back at me, Which was to track down my mother that I was NC with. She probably found her through face book, because I know my mother has an active page there. My STBEXW knew exactly why I'm NC with this woman. I told her for years the things my narcissist mother did to me. But she went to see her anyway. Either she was looking for a replacement maternal figure, or she just did it entirely to spite me. Or maybe even both. Either way we all know she's petty AF.

Despite being years NC, my mother wasn't far away. I never really moved far from where I was raised. And my STBEXW fed my mother a very embellished sob story. I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, and it turned out to be my mother. First words out of her mouth were "HOW COULD YOU!!". She wouldn't even give me time to speak by just saying "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES". Then she went on a rant about the lies STBEXW told her. I just ended the call about half-way through said rant, and then blocked the number. I remember thinking to myself at the time "Just great! The two people I hate most in this world are now banding together!"

STBEXW also figured out where I live. I don't know how. But it doesn't really matter anymore. What did matter was she showed up WITH MY GOD DAMN MOTHER! This woman was just as bad as I remembered her, except now she has bleach blonde hair. She still dressed as if in denial about her age, and was still judgmental and narcissistic. But the moment she started yelling at me, I snapped and lost it on her and STBEXW. I started ranting about all the stuff STBEXW and her mother had put me through, and how I wasn't surprised that my own crazy mother would side with a toxic liar like her without even questioning what my half of the story was. I ended up ranting about a whole lot of the stuff that happened. And for once, my mother looked damn scared of me, and didn't even try to counter.

I don't know how long I was ranting at them. It was just wordvomit and yellsplaining to the point I almost mentally checked out while my mouth did the work. But I told my mother all about the things my STBEXW and MIL did to me. About the theft of my collection, about MIL's hoarding and the condition of her house, about how she and STBEXW trapped me in a fake marriage, how STBEXW admitted to trying to babytrap me, and then bringing my own mother over to try and stick it to me. I looked over at STBEXW and said if her big plan was thinking my mother had any power over me, she was even dumber than I thought. And yeah, I ranted about how STBEXW thought my skeleton key collection was worthless. And exactly how and why it wasn't.

Police eventually showed up because a neighbor had called them. I had a CCTV camera going inside my apartment watching the door. And it saw enough. So there was video proof I never laid a finger on either of them at least. The police broke things up and escorted STBEXW and mother away. The cops thought I was the bad guy at first. A grown man yelling at two cowering women didn't exactly look good. But they took the time to listen to me, and I showed them the camera footage. My mother looked downright scared of the cops, and didn't even want to talk to them. And STBEXW knew exactly what I'd do if she lied to them. So they fessed up as to why they were there. But claimed that giving me a talking to was all they'd intended to do. Riiiiight. And Zeus didn't throw lightning. Oh wait, he did! Who knows what those two would have tried, were it not for the police and my temper.

No one was arrested. But I made it clear I didn't want my mother or STBEXW coming back. Right after they left, I went to the police station and filled out a report on the incident for a paper trail, in case of future stalking. Even though one of the officers tried to tell me that was too much for the situation when all they did was show up at my door. They also seemed to take offence to my making a report against my mother and STBEXW. I told him that he didn't know those people, and they were relentless narcissists. After making the report, I called up my best friend and told him what happened. He asked if I wanted to go riding to clear my head. And I said yes. And we went out bike riding till our legs were numb.

The next day I texted my mother from the number she'd called me from, and explained some things in detail. And I even sent screenshots of proof I had on some things. I made sure to do all this in text for two reasons. 1: So I wouldn't have to actually hear her voice. And 2: because I could screenshot all the texts and give them to my lawyer for my divorce case against STBEXW. My mother said STBEXW told her a very different story that I had been abusive in various ways. I told my mother she was free to have a relationship with STBEXW. But I wanted nothing to do with either of them. And I'll call the police if either of them show up at my apartment, or any future one I may be living in ever again. She did not message me back for several days. I also sent messages about what happened to other relatives and asked they be passed around just in case STBEXW went crying to them too. Which I guess she was smart enough not to bother doing, because none of them heard a peep from her.

STBEXW ended up having a huge fight with my mother, in which my mother kicked her out. My mother finally texted me back and said she wasn't willing to risk staying on STBEXW's side when it meant being dragged into the crossfire. Then she gave me a short sort-of-apology. Which I accepted as good enough, because getting my mother to apologize for anything is like pulling teeth. I stated I still don't want a relationship with her because I know she still defends the way she raised me. She told me she understands, and then said to have a nice life somewhat passive-aggressively. Then I re-blocked the number.

STBEXW has not yet retained a lawyer for our divorce, then or now. I'm pretty sure she realizes she can't win with all of the evidence I have against her. Every dumb thing she did gave my lawyer more ammunition to work with. She hasn't been fighting back much at all. Not that there's anything to fight over. Our formerly shared bank account and rented house were our only joint assets. But I took my name off the account, and we both moved out of the house. My credit is locked down, I have cameras, and I'm taking no BS from her. I think she may be scared of me now. Not long before I started posting again, she'd moved out of the state too. She apparently got a job transfer, and notified my lawyer she was leaving, and where she was going. But she'll be back whenever she needs to appear in court. So unless something else crazy happens, I won't be needing to update again until after the divorce.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Originally posted by posting in

1 Update - Medium

- September 17, 2023

- September 22, 2023 (5 days later)

- 30th September 2023

- 7th January 2024

- 4th February 2024

2 New Updates

- 30th March 2024

- 20th June 2024

Original Post - September 17, 2023

I’m 23. My ex-girlfriend is 20. We met in college. I’ve since graduated but she has 2 years left.

She’s 21 weeks pregnant and wants to put the baby up for adoption. She was around 14 weeks pregnant when she told me she was pregnant. We had already broken up 2 months before that and I honestly had no idea she was pregnant.

She said she needed space to make her own decision and that’s why she didn’t tell me.

From the moment she told me she was pregnant I told her I would support whatever decision she made. I respect that it’s her decision. I believe in a woman’s right to choose and all that.

I feel guilty that I got her pregnant. I’m internally panicking at the idea of a baby and the idea of being a father is wild and unreal to me right now. But when she told me she was planning to put the baby up for adoption it felt like a gut punch. She’s already connected with an adoption agency and looking at possible adoptive families.

In no way do I think she should be forced to be a parent. I would never want to contribute to that. I completely understand her reasoning. It’s just making me feel sick. She seems as content as she can be with the decision. She knows this is the “right” decision for her.

I don’t know if I can consent to it. I’ve started researching contested adoptions. I think it’s sort of crazy and I’d have to be willing and prepared to completely support and parent the baby on my own and be able to prove it. I feel guilty thinking about coming in and ruining all of her plans. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to anyone for me to do that, but I’m becoming more uncomfortable with the idea of adoption every day. I’ve not told her how I feel because I know it took her a while to come to her decision and even though she feels it’s the right one it’s also a highly emotional thing for her.

I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize why adoption is the best thing for everyone.

Relevant Comments:

Why don’t you ask her for sole custody, ask if she would be willing the waver all parental rights and you won’t ask for child support? That way you can both go your separate ways.

OOP'S reply:Once I make any sort of suggestion like that out loud I have to be 100% committed.It’s my understanding that the court system is extremely reluctant to terminate a parent’s right (and financial obligations), even if both parents agree to that arrangement. It’s not as simple as just signing away her rights.

Another user replies:

There’s a difference between the court terminating rights and her willingly signing them away.

ETA: look up a spot that provides pro bono advice for what you would need to do. Will help with deciding and then will show you’ve done the work/aren’t taking this lightly.

OOP'S reply:I’m considering meeting with a lawyer.

..

I had a baby at 21. Single parent. My kid is now 19.

When you become a parent, this version of you now that you have becomes the past.

A new version of you will exist.

There's a bit of ego death involved when leaving behind an old life and stepping into something new.

Except this new life means that you stop being responsible for feeding, clothing, and maintaining just one human (yourself) but now a second person. No one but you is responsible when it comes down to the line. You are literally standing there alone holding a newborn when everything and everyone else fades away, it's all on you.

I think, just from what you've posted and your replies, you're in just a good a position as most when they become single parents. You work, you have a place to live, you're thoughtful and are actually thinking through the core issues maturely.

It would be great if you could try single parenting and then decide on your best course of action.

Unfortunately, you can't just try it and see. Once the decision is made, that's it. You are now no longer that person you are now, and you're becoming the person that you will be.

You can continue on the track you are now, the goals you have now, the life path you've decided, all the actual decisions you want to make for your own life, albeit with a life long emotional burden of wishing things were different and wondering about your child.

Or, you can choose to be a single parent. All the decisions you make will no longer be about you. They will ALL be about being a single parent, and what's best for the baby.

Being a parent should be about selflessness.

Being a human being just living life is about self focusedness. I won't call it selfish or self centred. Because you're allowed to focus on yourself when it's only yourself to focus on!!

When you have a child and you're a single parent, all decisions and all consequences are on your shoulders. For them and for you.

My daughter has enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined. I went to university, I became a teacher, and I have a good profession now as a lecturer.

But! I know that my life would have taken a different trajectory had I not become a single parent at 21. I had dreams of travelling like a gypsy, living in different countries, becoming an artist, struggling and suffering for my art, before settling down and marriage, and have as many children as I could. I always wanted a big family.

You're choosing between 2 different lives. One is reasonably predictable and always you focused, with your decisions geared around your desires.

The other is stepping into a life you have no idea what will happen, and you're responsible for nourishing, supporting, loving, educating, and living with for the rest of your life. There are no do-overs, you are the one on the line when it comes down to it, and you will feel a spectrum of emotions you never thought possible.

Of course I don't regret choosing my daughter. I do regret not being able to see the other version of myself. It may have been a much worse life. Who knows? That's the point, we can't know.

No matter the age, you'll never be prepared for being a parent. Never!! But, you can be a lot more prepared by waiting until you're older and have lived your own life before having a child.

An adoptive family is one that has already lived their lives and are ready, so so ready, to welcome a baby.

It's the emotional burden you're struggling with, and for that you need therapy. Especially if you can get adoption specific therapy.

If you choose to take on being a single parent, you'll be okay :) you'll survive, the baby will be fine. You'll meet a partner that is fine being a step parent and you'll make it all work. Your family will help when they can I'm sure. You'll need a lot of support, for the rest of your life, but certainly in the next 12 years.

I hope your decision is about you as a person first. Then about the baby second. What's best for the baby will become apparent once you focus on what you really want from life first.

Update - September 22, 2023 (5 days later)

Posting this as an update because my original post received so many comments that it’s hard to really follow everything there anymore.

I was really surprised by how many people responded and honestly, the advice was all over the place and admittedly some of it got me pretty worked up. I think it really helped hearing some unbiased thoughts of my situation though.

There’s no huge update really. I’ve decided that just sitting here passively and not saying anything won’t get me anywhere.

My ex and I are in regular communication. We don’t talk every day but we text every few days. She told me she can’t find any adoptive parents that feel right yet. She really wants me to start looking at the stuff the adoption agency has sent. She asked if I had looked and I told her I skimmed some stuff but it doesn’t really make me feel good. That was my opening to tell her I’m really not sure how I feel about adoption and I’m having second thoughts regarding my own desire to parent my child or not. She asked me what I was really trying to say and I tried to communicate that I’m not saying she should keep the baby and be a parent right now, I understand why this is the best decision for her, but I’m not sure if it’s the best decision for me. She said “What? You’re going to be a single dad? Hahahaha.” I told her maybe, it’s not that crazy. She said it is crazy and “Don’t do this to me.” She basically feels like if I do that, even if I don’t hold it against her, she’s still legally the mom and suddenly she’ll be this horrible deadbeat parent who isn’t involved with her child at all. By placing the baby with another family, she breaks the legal ties and she doesn’t have to feel like she’s quite as shitty of a person.

Even my own mom is unsure of how to feel about what I’m considering it, but she would support me. She understands my feelings about not wanting my child to be raised by other people, but worries I’m biting off more than I can chew. She still support me 100%. She thinks it’s crazy but she also thinks I can do it if it’s what I want.I admittedly cried like a baby about it to my mom and in true mom fashion she thinks I need to “follow my heart.”

Relevant Comments:

Picture what you want for your future 5 years from now, what does it look like?

OOP's reply:I didn’t originally picture having a 5 year old kid 5 years from now, but I have started to sort of be able to picture it. I always thought I’d like to be married and have kids in my early 30s. I’ve never really liked the idea of waiting until I was 40+ to start a family. Definitely thought there be a little more time before that happened but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world to me.

..

I would talk to your mom about how much support she is really going to give? I assume she works too and has obligations.

You plan to how your going to be a single parent and work. Look at child care costs, start asking around about daycares ect.. You don't just show up and they have a spot.

There's alot to do before you have a baby, does your job offer paternal leave ect.

OOP's reply:Yeah I started looking at daycares around me, out of curiosity. The average cost for infants around here is $1200/month. I had no clue that people had to get on daycare waitlists months and months I’m advance, sometimes even longer.

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Her right to choose is hers. Your right to choose is yours. If she gave birth and changed her mind when you didnt want the child, she wouldnt think twice even with feeling guilty.

You decide for you, no one else. This is a child, not a toy.

..

For some reason, reddit is full of teenparents this week. If a 16 year old in high-school can do it, why wouldn't you? I get what your ex is feeling though. With adoption, she can just close that chapter and feel released. If she sees you struggle with single parenting, and not lift a finger to help, she'll be a dead beat parent.

In the end, your mom is right though. You can't make a decision like this only rationally. Adoption sure is the easiest solution, practical challenge wise. And if you're ok with it, it's fine. But if you're not ok with it, the struggle you'd have with single parenting will be worth it, to have your baby.

There is no right or wrong choice. And no one can make the choice for you. I would however strongly advise to talk to a lawyer, to see what all options mean in the end. Is there a thing like open adoption for fathers, for instance. That might be a half of column a, half of column b. But that too, is something you would have to be comfortable with.

OOP's reply:

She won’t “see” me, as I live states away. So it’s not like she’s have to physically see me or the baby, but she’ll still know and she could still contact me, in theory. That could get really messy too, for both of us. It’s something to consider.

I am going to talk to a lawyer just to get some solid, professional guidance.

..

OP, I’m gonna jump ahead some years and ask a question. If you raise this lil one on your own and Mom grows up and decides she wants to know the child, what would you do? She seems concerned you’ll hold her accountable some how if you single parent, she could relinquish her parental rights but what if she changes her mind? Sorry just curious because I think you are going to be an amazing Dad if you choose that route.

OOP'S reply:I’ve been thinking about that exact scenario and truthfully, I’d probably be pissed if she suddenly decided she wanted to be involved years later. It wouldn’t likely not be anything I had any choice or control over and she could legally enforce her rights. Ultimately, I’d want to do what was best for my kid though and I’d try to look at it like that.

..

To me this reads like your heart has made up its mind. Your head is trying to process all of the rational details that comes with.

I will say, it sounds like you have an amazing Mom, which tells me not just that you have a support system but a good example of the kind of parent you’d be.

I can see your ex’s concerns, but I wonder how much of that would be pacified if you told her you’ll just stay off social media. Her fears seem to be more perception.

I think it’s worth saying all those rational details, new skills, difficult choices you’re considering. If you decide to be a father and commit to this baby, they don’t need to worked out all at once. Every parent, even the ones in the most prepared circumstances take one challenge at a time and adapt as they go.

It is clear you love this child, so whatever you decide, will be the right choice.

OOP'S reply:Thank you. And I think you’ve summed up exactly where I’m at now. I think my heart feels one way but rationally my brain is trying to catch up.

Update 2 - My ex gf wants to place our baby for adoption - 6 days later

I’ve decided to pursue custody of my child and will not be consenting to an adoption. My ex gf may or may not still try to pursue adoption. There’s no way to know right now because she hasn’t talked to me since I told her I was uncomfortable with adoption and exploring my own options.

I have a consultation with a lawyer next week. In the meantime, I contacted the appropriate local county health departments.

I can add myself to the putative father registry in the current state she’s in. I’ve already downloaded the form and will get it notarized and sent off on Monday. This will do nothing to establish paternity, but will hopefully mean that I should be notified should she try to place our baby for adoption without informing me herself. The other state (the state she’s from and where her family lives) doesn’t have a putative father registry.

I’ll still need to establish paternity as soon as the baby is born. That is, if she even informs me when she gives birth. I’d really like to be there or be able to get there as soon as possible, but I really have no clue what she’s thinking or planning at this point. l that I have a pretty clear understanding of my options for establishing paternity and am hoping that by then she’ll be willing to sign an affidavit establishing me as the father. Otherwise, I’ll need to go through the courts.

In an ideal world, she’d agree to a prenatal paternity test. I do believe I’m the father but it would be nice to have that definitive assurance before I completely turn my life upside down for this. Since she’s not event talking to me currently, I can’t ask her for that right now. Maybe once she has a chance to process things, we’ll be able to talk about this more and she will cooperate. If not, I can’t force her to do anything and may have to wait for the test. She’s really stubborn so I can see her digging her heels in.

I’m leaving her alone right now but I will communicate my decision to her after I speak with a lawyer.

All of the comments on my previous posts really helped. The constructive criticism was needed. It gave me some important things to think about and questions to answer for myself. It did make me doubt myself, but ultimately the negative comments telling me not to do this or that I can’t do it only served to motivate me further.

She’s around 23 weeks now. It feels like her due date is still a long ways away, but now that she’s at the point of seriously looking at and interviewing potential adoptive families I felt like I couldn’t wait much longer to make a decision and move forward with it. Plus, it’s going to take me at least that long to figure out some of the logistics. I previously had no clue how expensive daycare is or that waitlists are often months or sometimes even more than a year long. I need to save money, start budgeting, maybe even considering moving slightly closer to family. I haven’t figured anything out beyond just making the decision, but that was probably one of the hardest parts.

Comments

DatelineDeli

I say this with so much concern for your success - move closer to family. Along with keeping your child, it will be the best thing you can do for the two of you.

Make sure and check out “buy nothing” groups on Facebook. Also cruise the free/for sale sections on nextdoor.

Wishing you good luck.

OOP: I think if we end up back here I will plan to move closer to my family. Not that I plan to make them raise my child. It’ll just be better to have that safety net if people a little closer.

But somebody else made a good point about not moving yet. If my ex decides she wants to be involved with the baby, I will have to be prepared to move to where she’s at. She lives a few states away. I’m not trying to force that on her, but I’m the back of my mind I know there’s a possibility that she could change her mind. I will not live stayed away from my kid and I’m not out to have full custody or keep her away if she does end up changing her mind. I think best thing for me to do will be to save the money so that I’m prepared if/when I should need to move - wherever that might be.

My daughter was born on New Year’s Day and I just found out - 3 months later

My ex-girlfriend gave birth to my daughter on New Year’s Day and didn’t inform me until today. I’m so pissed off that she would do something like that to me. I had asked her to please let me know when she went into labor so I could do my best to get there asap. We broke up before she told me she was pregnant and we now live in different states.

My previous posts detail a lot of the backstory, but basically she wanted to place the baby for adoption and I ultimately decided that I wanted to keep the baby. She has maintained that she doesn’t want to be a parent and has not been planning to be involved.

I have been preparing to be a single parent for the past several months, with the understanding that there was a chance that she might change her mind and want to be involved with our daughter. I told her no matter what, I wanted to be involved with raising my child and whether she changed her mind or not, I was going to be involved. Even after we broke up, our relationship was good for the first part of her pregnancy.

We communicated regularly and she wanted to involve me in the adoption process and all of that. As soon as I told her that I wasn’t going to consent to an adoption she turned cold (and I get it - I ruined her plans). She has been giving me very brief updates, basically just to let me know everything was fine.

We had one big long conversation and she seemed to accept my decision, even though she was still upset about it, and made me promise that I’d give our baby all of these things she really wanted her child to have in life. I thought things seemed good or better after that. She even told me where she was at over the holidays, in case something happened.

She already told me she didn’t want me in the delivery room and I didn’t fight that. I was disappointed at the idea that I wouldn’t see my daughter being born, but in the grand scheme of things it was something I could live with. She told me she’d tell me when she went to the hospital so I could prepare.

Today she sent me a picture and said our daughter was born on New Year’s Day. She wasn’t due until the end of January, but she is healthy and only spent one extra day in the hospital. The baby went home with my ex-gf and her parents. She said it’s only fair that she got a few days with her before I knew, since I’m taking our daughter away forever.

I’ve told her that if she changed her mind I would rearrange my life (job, home, etc.) because I’m not going to live states away from my child. She’s trying to act as if I’m the bad guy taking her baby away now.

I don’t feel prepared yet. I mean, I felt like there was nothing else I could do to prepare and it was just a waiting game, but now I feel like I really need the extra few weeks. I wish somebody could just knock me out with a sedative until my flight out there because I’m just buzzing like crazy with all the emotions. My mom was supposed to come with me, since I plan to stay there for a few days before traveling back home, but due to the unexpected timing my sister is coming with me.

I just have a bad feeling about how dealing with my ex will be moving forward. I have a lawyer and already have things in motion to protect myself and my daughter but I had just really hoped that things could be amicable between us. I feel like I’ve done nothing but try to be nice and understanding every step of the way.

Comments

InfamousCup7097

For the sake of the relationship and baby. Let it go. Don't even bring it up. Tell her thank you for delivering such a beautiful baby and that you are glad they are both okay. Be happy and enjoy holding your kid. After you land text/call her and ask her if there is anything you and your sister can bring her (lunch, diapers, anything she needs for the next few days).

After a few days then have the conversation about what the new plans are with either her being involved with the baby or you taking the baby with you. Ask her what she wants. Don't have a huge fight it will make things worse. If she is stuck on adopting her out still then tell her you already made arrangements to take her and call your lawyer.

Don't throw the lawyer in her face. Make sure your sister doesn't overstep or be mean to the mother of your child and make things worse. Congratulations on your new little one. Life is about your child now. Keep that in mind. Good luck.

Update: My daughter was born on New Year’s Day and I just found out - 1 month later

I’ve received many private messages asking me for an update and I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to most of them. I’ve had a lot going on and my hands full since meeting my newborn daughter last month.

I’ve only been at home with her for a few days and am still getting settled in here. During the second week of January my sister and I travelled out to where my ex-girlfriend lives and I met my newborn daughter for the first time. It was awkward to say the least, with her whole family staring at me and silently shooting daggers at me.

I felt like a jerk, but had to remind myself that I’m not taking our daughter away from her mother. She is choosing to not be directly involved. I have told her that I understand if she changes her mind. I’ve left the door open for her. It’s just not a situation you really prepare for.

I was so happy to meet my daughter and all of these people staring at me were so sad. So I sort of hung around there for a little while because it felt wrong to just take the baby and leave. I was waiting for a queue from my ex to indicate she was ready and eventually she told me to please leave, but that she would want to see her again before I left town. I rented an air bnb because I planned to be there for a few weeks.

Because I wasn’t able to be at the hospital within 72 hours of the birth to fill out all of the appropriate paperwork as originally planned, she and I had to go to the local health department to file a paternity affidavit. She willingly went and signed everything. The baby’s last name will now officially be changed to mine, but my ex picked out the first and middle names and I chose not to argue.

As far as custody goes, the paternity affidavit allowed us to agree to share joint legal custody. I had to submit to a court approved paternity test as part of that, no big deal. She does not actually want joint legal custody. She wants to give me full legal and physical custody, but the form only allows us to officially establish joint legal custody. She has full physical custody because that’s just how the law works there.

I was already aware that this would be the case and my lawyer is working on filing the appropriate forms in court to amend everything. We both want me to have physical custody since I will be the primary caregiver. I am opening a court case. I’ve explained the steps we have to take and she understands. This is how the process works there and even though we’re in agreement right now, nothing is legally enforceable until there is a court ruling.

At this time, she’s in agreement and claims that she doesn’t plan to fight it. She just wants to get it over with. I told her that she may want to think about it, because it feels like she is just trying to rip the bandaid off as fast as she can right now. I know sharing legal custody could really backfire on me but I just want her to feel sure. I got the sense that she wasn’t sure but was just trying to follow through with a complete break.

I feel like I’m on thin ice right now. All I have is a signed, notarized letter of consent to take my daughter out of state, so I’m anxious to get all official legal proceedings done. I don’t think I’ll be able to relax fully until then.

The baby herself? She’s perfect. She’s so small. Everyone warned me not to get too many newborn size clothes because she’d grow out so quickly, but the newborn clothes are still a little big. I think her features are becoming more noticeable now, but the only trace of me that I sort of see is her eyes.

I look at her and it’s like my heart just wants to explode. She’s the tiniest, cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life and this is my kid? It still doesn’t feel real. I’m still getting used to saying “my daughter” out loud when I have to call to make appointments. I think she has colic.

During the early part of the day she seems happy and able to nap and doesn’t cry a ton, but around dinner time she starts screaming and will cry almost nonstop for hours. She spews vomit like you wouldn’t believe. The only thing that semi soothes her is being out in the stroller and rolled back and forth over and over. She was just switched over to a special formula but I think it’s too soon to know if it’ll make a difference. I had colic too apparently.

A year ago, I never would have imagined any of this. It almost feels like I’m watching somebody else from the outside.

Comments

JooJooBeeNYCgirl

First off congrats again. Your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you. Calling your baby “my baby” is definitely a surreal experience in the beginning. It’ll warm you heart forever.

You’ll definitely get into the swing of things. I hope that the new formula helps her. I hope that the legal end of things gets tied up really soon too.

Wishing you the best with your daughter.

**New Updates Start Here**

I now officially have sole custody - but suddenly mom wants to visit - 2 months later

I officially have sole legal and physical custody of my daughter! Took a while for all of the paperwork to be filed and approved, but everything has been finalized and it’s such a relief. Even though her mother was cooperative, I was constantly worried she’d suddenly change her mind (or her family would convince her to change her mind, since I believe they have a strong influence over her) and accuse me of taking off with our kid.

I’ve posted in a few groups over the course of all this, but to sum it all up - my ex-gf (21) and I (24) had an unplanned baby. She didn’t tell me she was pregnant until after we broke up and I had moved to a different state. She wanted to place the baby for adoption but I decided I couldn’t do that. I’m currently parenting my daughter on my own. She still has legal parental rights but is not involved in any way.

My daughter is almost 13 weeks old. I think I was meant to be a parent and for some reason the universe deemed it to happen now instead of when I always thought it’d happen later in life. I still have no clue what I’m doing most of the time, but I’m happy and I love my daughter so much. I think we’ve both come a long way in the past 3 months.

I had to go back to work earlier this month. Unfortunately, I’m still in the wait list for a few daycares that are going to be the best options for me cost-wise and location wise. The only one that had an opening for her age was out of the way as far as my workplace goes and was at the very top of the budget. Let’s be real, daycare in general is nearly out of my budget but I’m going to make it work. My workplace is letting me work from home a few days a week as I transition back to work. They all know the situation and have been very accommodating. On the days I go into the office my grandma is watching her for now.

I admit, I actually felt really depressed when I had to go back to work. As much as I was looking forward to the adult interaction again, I was sad. I might have actually cried once.

I hadn’t heard from her mother since I brought my daughter home for the first time. I did have to reach out to her a few times regarding the status of some paperwork that we filed but I did not mention the baby, send unsolicited photos, etc. I know she said she doesn’t want to be a mom, but I guess I found it weird that she never even asked about her once.

Now she’s reached out. I’m assuming that the custody stuff may have played a part. I don’t really know. She asked if I could send her some pictures, and I did. Then she asked “What if I want to see her in person?” Well, ok. But I told her she’ll have to come here. I don’t have any PTO time and I don’t think it makes sense for me to have to travel states away with a baby for her to see her. She said she doesn’t know when she’ll have the money and time to do that. I told her I don’t know what to tell her then. It seemed like she either wanted me to go to her or for me to pay for it. I can’t do either of those things. How do I still feel bad for her for some reason?

Comments

Unnecessary_Timeline

You’re doing everything correct. It sounds like she chose to give up a parenting role in the child’s life, and you facilitated her request while also being a parent.

If she now wants to be a parent, literally all of the effort has to be on her. She must make the trips, pay any potential support, accrue supplies for a newborn child, etc. She has to show effort and commitment

You keep living your life, and when she asks to see the child, do not overly burden yourself to accommodate her.

Also, in a legal sense, you should not leave the child alone with her. It sets a precedent for her gaining some custody in the future. Make sure you are always present during any time she is with the child. But do give her things like pictures or videos when she asks.

If she wants her own parenting time without you present, you need to make her go to court for it.

It sounds harsh and it is harsh. But it’s the reality of what is best for the child. You cannot give her any slack because that’s how “rubber band parents” are created. And having a parent who constantly enters and leaves your life is far more harmful than not having that parent at all.

techieguyjames

Absolutely make her go through the courts. This way, everything is documented, and permission can be given/denied.

IceQueenTigerMumma

It is absolutely not reasonable for you to have to travel to see her. Don’t set that precedent.

All you need to say is that you will make your baby girl available if she would like to visit and that it needs to be by agreement and at her own cost.

Update - 3 months later

I’ve posted several times, but it’s been a while. I don’t have much time to post or respond to the messages I receive here anymore, but I’m on vacation this week (my daughter’s first trip to the beach) and I have some free time. Honestly, I guess I’m feeling really good and just a little bit petty and wanted to share an update as a response to everyone who said I wouldn’t be able to handle it or that I’d be begging/forcing my child’s mother to be involved.

I don’t expect anyone reading this to remember anything about my story. Long story short, my ex gf from college got pregnant and planned to place our baby for adoption. I really did try to accept it and go along with it, but I couldn’t wrap my head around having a child out there. I’ve been raising her as a single parent without any real involvement from my ex. I accepted that this would be the case and I respect her choice. I have a very supportive family, so I have help in that way for sure, but nobody is raising my daughter for me.

My daughter will be 6 months on July 1. She’s doing really well for the most part. She’s been diagnosed with Sandifer Syndrome, which is something most people, including myself, have never even heard of. She has uncontrollable muscle spasms after eating due to acid reflux, which her originally pediatrician brushed off and made me feel like I was just worrying too much or overreacting to here colic and severe projectile vomiting after meals. Luckily, this isn’t a life threatening illness or something that should affect her for the rest of her life. It should clear up by the time she’s 1-1.5 years old, if not sooner.

She’s already doing better with some diet changes and some other changes on my part as far as feeding positions, frequency of feeding, etc. She’s doing so well now that the doctor is holding off on putting her on medication and thinks she probably won’t need it. She developed a secondary condition called torticollis, which is essentially short right neck muscles that cause her head to turn to side, so she’s going to weekly physical therapy for that and thankfully it’s something that can be resolved and isn’t a lifelong condition or anything like that. I feel bad, even though I’ve been told repeatedly that none of this was caused by anything I did. Rationally, I know that, but I’m finding that a lot of feelings you have as a parent aren’t always rational.

She goes to daycare now, just started a few weeks ago. Prior to that, my grandma was watching her during the day, so I was really lucky to have that help. I’m still learning to be comfortable with dropping her off at daycare. Before she was born, I thought “daycare, no big deal.” It’s hard to trust total strangers with your kid who can’t at least talk to tell you what’s happening all day. Not to mention the cost, but having my grandma watch her for the first few months allowed me to save up a very tiny bit.

I’ve paid off credit cards and have vowed not to use them again, so I have that credit in reserve should I ever have any big emergency. I’m definitely budgeting, my sister is into couponing and sales and knows how to get all the deals so her help has been invaluable to me financially.

My daughter’s mom isn’t directly involved at all. I don’t resent her and I haven’t tried to force her to be involved or even asked her to do anything. She contacted me a few months ago and wanted to come here to visit our daughter. We live states apart now. Around the time I started occasionally sharing pictures with her. We don’t really talk about how she feels or is handling any of it. Sometimes I’m curious about how she feels but really it’s none of my business. She went back to school and is focusing on that now. She never came to visit (she wanted me to pay for it, and I told her no - it wasn’t even totally a matter of not wanting to, but I don’t have the money for that). She sent me a really nice, long text on Father’s Day. We don’t talk unless it’s to give her a little update when she asks. I guess feel kind of mixed about sharing the updates and photos, but am trying not to be an asshole about it.

I guess that’s all I really have to share. Pretty boring, but maybe that’s a good thing. I received several Father’s Day messages from people here and didn’t think anyone would even remember me months later, so thanks to everyone who has been following this journey and been kind and supportive.

Comments

Consistent_Ad5709

You sound like a happy father and you're adjusting well. Keep enjoying the small moments because they grow so fast.

Temporary-Profit-643

Tip on those credit cards. If you treat them like a debit card (i.e. you pay them off literally immediate as soon as possible) your credit score will go up, cashback will gain, and you can avoid debt. If this becomes too tempting, however, just don't do this until you are comfortable.

You got this, your child is so incredibly lucky to have you in her life. You are amazing, and you got this, you awesome dad!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH For being mad at my fiance for buying a tire

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: possible financial exploitation, gaslighting, manipulation

: June 14, 2024

I’m not used to posting anything on Reddit, so apologies ahead of time for any mistakes.

I (F23) am currently fighting with my fiance (m 23) over him buying a tire for his best friends car.

About a week ago, his friend drove over some glass or a nail or something. I don’t know, just some kinda pointy road debris. A day later, she calls my fiance to ask him to help with some of the car stuff. I thought nothing of it as he’s handy with everything automotive and she’s called him for help with stuff like this in the past. I stay home as I’m clueless with cars (I don’t even drive so I wouldn’t be any help) and he leaves. I didn’t think anything of it until recently.

Fast forward to two days ago. I keep a small tin box in our bedroom that I put some of my savings in. For a while now, I’ve put any 1 dollar bills into this box to save up for a family trip. When I was little, my mom and dad would take me and my older sister on lots of road trips. As we got older, we took less and less. Post Covid, I think we’ve only taken 2 trips together as a family. I wanted to save up enough so we could at least do a small weekend vacation together, just like old times. I had some change and went to store it in my box. Well, to my surprise the box was empty. I was confused to say the least. I first made sure the money didn’t spill anywhere, that I was looking at the right box, and basically trying to check all options of where the money could have gone. Then I rushed over to my fiance to ask if he knew anything about it. He did.

Basically, when his friend called him, she was telling him that she couldn’t afford a new tire and to see if we had any kind of spare. We don’t have anything to fit her car, so he offered to buy her one. He took the money in the tin (it was about 300 dollars) and left to buy it for her.

I was stunned and asked him why he would do this. We don’t have any expendable income really, so if he offered he must’ve known he couldn’t afford it with his own money. He told me that she really needed it and if she couldn’t get her car going it’s be catastrophic for her. That he couldn’t leave his best friend hanging like that and thought I wouldn’t mind as it was an emergency. I explained how the money he took was mine, he should’ve asked me, and that he knew it was special. He kept insisting it was for a good cause and that I would’ve done the same thing. We argued back and forth.things got heated.

Eventually, he said that if I was willing to let his friend go without a car for who knows how long when I had the ability to help her I was being a selfish asshole. I told him to at least pay me back the money, since it’s not like we can get it back now. He told me no, as he’s setting aside any extra funds for our wedding at the end of the year. And that the 300 dollars he’d give me would mean we probably couldn’t afford something like a wedding cake, or would have to skimp out on catering. That me being so bent out of shape over such a small amount was petty.

We’re having a small wedding and are already trying to save money wherever we can. The venue is gonna be a relatives farm, with a small guest list, and minimal extras. I don’t want to take anything out of our already tight budget. And I understand why he didn’t want to leave his friend out cold like that, I just wish he would’ve told me.

Now I’m out of my family vacation savings and feeling overall bad for the whole situation. I haven’t apologized yet as I still feel really bitter but I don’t want to push it if I am just being petty. There are worse things for 300 dollars to be spent on. So, am I the asshole?

Additional Information from OOP in the comments

OOP: After reading a lot of the comments, I really feel like something just isn’t clicking. I don’t know why he didn’t get a used tire, or even just patch it up. He told me she had popped it but outside of his word I haven’t gotten much proof on how bad it was.

I’ve met his friend before and doubt there’s any cheating going on there. She’s nice and all but we’re not super close or anything. I’m definitely going to bring things up to him when he gets home today. I appreciate the support but I’m not planning on calling anything off, at least not for now.

I definitely think he was gaslighting me over this, not wanting to admit wrong doing over a stupid decision. However, I still love him. We were friends in high school and started dating in college. We have a lot of history together and I really don’t want to throw all that away over a tire.

Relevant Comments

TravelingPhotoDude: $300 for one tire is pretty high if they just have a car. I have a Range Rover and my tires were just under $300 a tire for run flats. What he should have done was if they were in a pinch, is go to a tire place and get a good used tire to get his best friend by until they could afford a tire.

OOP: I know his friend drives a larger car, so I was just assuming that’s why he took all the money for it. Larger tire = more expensive tire. Honestly I have no idea why he didn’t try a cheaper alternative. I’ll definitely ask about that when he comes home from work

June 16, 2024

TLDR on my first post: my fiancé stole $300 cash of my savings to buy his best friend a tire when she popped it, he didn’t ask me about taking the money.

Ok, so I poured over all the comments on my original post. I’m not car savvy, and thought it was interesting how the majority of people agreed $300 for a tire was crazy. I didn’t understand why he didn’t just get her a patch or a spare like some of you pointed out in the comments. When my fiancé got home that night, I brought up the topic to him. He still didn’t budge on an explanation or real apology. He seemed like he was tired after work and just wanted me to drop it. I asked about a receipt, but he said he didn’t know where it went. Claiming he lost it or left it with his friend.

I listened to a suggestion I saw a few of you say and messaged his friend to see if she had something to say. I shot her a dm on instagram, just asking about the whole ordeal. When she got back to me, she had no idea what I was talking about. She did meet up with him, but her car was totally fine. They just went to some game stores together and got lunch. She never saw the $300. She seemed confused and told me “good luck” with figuring it out.

I of course immediately brought this up to my fiancé. Telling me how this whole situation has been driving me crazy, and showing him the messages between me and his friend. He seemed shocked at how upset I was before getting quiet for a second. Begrudgingly he explained what happened.

He had taken the money, deposited it in the bank, went to hang out with his friend, then got back home and used the money on a deposit for a hotel room near a ski resort. He booked it for our honeymoon. We weren’t planning on really having a honeymoon, so he wanted to surprise me with it. The money was enough to book a single night deposit, he was planning to save up to pay the rest upon check in. Our wedding was going to be late in the year, so he thought a Christmas cabin honeymoon would be perfect.

A whole lot doesn’t make sense to me about this. I can’t ski, I always spend Christmas with my family, and he stole from me to do this. I told him to explain why he just took the money for this. He knew I was saving the money for a family vacation and thought “once we’re married we’ll be family. So me and him deserve a trip just for us”

As for the time and place, he just thought it would be romantic.

I am completely torn up over this. You guys were right, I was being too passive. He stole my savings, disregarded asking my opinion, and betrayed my trust. This isn’t the ending I wanted, but the wedding is called off. I’m staying with my sister and have been talking the whole thing over with her. I haven’t told the rest of my family yet and don’t really know where to go from here. Our relationship is in limbo right now. I don’t want to throw away our future but I’m not sure if I can reasonably keep it going. I have a lot on my mind.

Also before someone suggests it, the room deposit is non refundable, so he’s stuck with at least one night. I demanded he pays me back but he got upset at that. He seems like he really doesn’t want to, especially now that we’re on awful terms. I’ll keep pushing to get back my cash, but that’s pretty much it.

My first post blew up more than I expected. Thank you everyone for all the advice, good and bad. It helped me come to terms with the fact that his behavior was unacceptable. I’m not sure where to go from here but I’m glad I finally took some action.

Relevant Comments

Smart-Story-2142: Have you seen proof that what he’s saying is true? I honestly don’t buy it. My guess is he spent it on himself. He’s a liar and I will never trust a word that a liar says without 100 % proof.

** Melodic-Witness102:** This,

I'm confident this is a lie I would respond with a bluff, you're right will be family and I save for vacation, so give me the reservation number I'll pay the stay you pay for food, fun and drinks

OOP: Honestly I don’t think I believe the whole honeymoon thing much. I just want this to be done at this point, but that’s not a bad idea to get the truth from him. At this point though I might just let things be as they are and get out of the relationship. I’m not sure if this is worth it anymore and I’m just so tired

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP. OOP is

Edited for spelling.

Original:

Hi. I am posting this here after it got removed from AITA because there is going to be an update after my wife comes home I think.

I just got married. My wife, Tonya, basically raised her sister, Marie, after their mom passed away. Even after their dad remarried Tonya and her sister were more mom/daughter than sisters.

Marie got married last year and she got pregnant right away. No not before. They figure they got pregnant on their honeymoon.

Marie went into premature labor at our wedding reception. She gave birth to a tiny but healthy baby girl. And for some reason Tonya decided that she needed to go take care of her.

We were supposed to leave for our honeymoon two days after our wedding but Tonya said she couldn't just leave. She isn't a doctor or a nurse. Marie has a dad, a stepmom, a husband, a mother and father in law. I don't understand why she had to go.

But we had nonrefundable tickets. And insurance didn't cover "I have to stay and take care of my sister" as part of the coverage. Plus I had booked two weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon.

So since I was going to be home by myself doing nothing while my wife was in another city doing whatever I went on the honeymoon by myself.

I got a massive bed all to myself. I used all the resort credits that were for couples massages, romantic excursions, and special meals on deep sea fishing and a dune buggy tour of the island.

I just got back and my wife is still with her sister. But she is upset that I went on our honeymoons by myself.

Was I supposed to let the money go to waste? Was I supposed to sit at home playing Diablo while I waited for her to be done?

We are fighting about it. My friends all agree that I would have been dumb to waste the money and my time off.

Her friends think I was a dick to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby.

I will add that there was no place for me to stay at Marie's house. Tonya is sleeping in the nursery since the baby is still in NICU.

Update:

The baby, Emily, is home and healthy. Just tiny.

My sister in law kicked my wife out the day the baby came home. Tonya wouldn't let her do anything. Marie told her that she had plenty of help. Tonya said she didn't mind sticking around. Marie told her that her and her husband did have a problem with it. Marie also told all her relatives that if Tonya was staying with them they weren't allowed over until she left.

Tonya asked if would mind if she rented an Airbnb so she could stay nearby. I said I would prefer if she came home. We had an argument. I said that we should just not actually get married if this was going to be my life.

Tonya came home to fight face to face.

We had the fancy wedding and reception in Iowa for her family. We were going to get "officially" married in Colorado after we got back from the honeymoon.

She wants to know why I'm having second thoughts. I showed her the original post and how almost 50% of the comments were calling for an annulment.

I said we are both young and can walk away without losing much. All the gifts are in her dad's garage and they are easy enough to return.

I said that there was no way I was going to out up with being the third wheel in our marriage.

She has agreed to start going to counseling and we are going to hold off on getting the paperwork settled for one year to give her a chance to decide what she wants. If she says that her sister comes first after one year then I'm out.

That's all. No more drama.

Thanks for everyone who told me where I stood. I love Tonya but I love myself too. Everyone who said I was an asshole for not understanding why she was needed can suck it.

Donk my brain with a funni answer

This is a repost. I'm not the original poster. I don't need advice about this situation. The OOP is u/.Wonder_Junkie. This was posted in .

November 14, 2018

Throwaway account + obligatory mobile formatting apology.

I recently realized that everything about my life is just okay; my job is alright but I don’t get paid much, my boyfriend is okay but I’m not in love with him, I don’t have friends here, and I’m a progressive atheist living in the bible belt. Everything feels wrong.

So about 6 months ago I decided to change all of that. My best friends live on the east coast and offered to let me live with them for free while I find a job out there. This Friday is my last day of work and I move on thanksgiving.

Some people think I’m crazy to leave a stable job to move across the country. They say I can’t chase happiness because the grass will always be greener on the other side. But I’m not searching for happiness. I’m tired of living a mediocre life and coasting through the days, months and years without any excitement.

Sure, I’m nervous about moving without having a job lined up, but I’m willing to take the risk if it means being happier. So if any of you have been feeling the same, I’ll say this: don’t be afraid to take risks. If some aspect of your life isn’t working or feels wrong, don’t fight it. You are never stuck. You can always leave and find a better option for you.

Notable Comments:

• Cool, i've always wanted to do this. What area are you moving too?

• I’m moving to North Carolina. I never envisioned myself living there but I think it’ll be a vast improvement to where I currently live. I’m so excited to have green areas to walk in, waterfalls to visit, trails to hike. It’ll be a breath of fresh air. [OP]

• Anyone who says anything is just commenting because they’re secretly annoyed they never did the same thing and are now stuck in a mundane boring life. Fuck it, move across the country with no job. You have friends to stay with, that’s waaaay different then moving and having no plan. It’ll be fine and hopefully pretty unreal

• YOU GOT THIS. I did the pack up and move w/o a job to the other end of the country about 8 years ago. I am SO GLAD I did. Just hit the ground running and hustle, and things will fall into place SO FAST. Dare to live greatly!

March 15, 2019

Almost 4 months ago I quit my job and left my entire life behind because I felt stuck. I wanted to start from scratch in a new state. The original post was written before my move and a lot of you wanted an update, so here it is!

I have to say that things turned out SO MUCH BETTER than I ever imagined!! In February I landed an incredible job at a prestigious company doing exactly what I want to do. For the first time in my life, I’m excited to get up and go to work in the morning. I also found a house to rent that was renovated right before I moved in, so I’m the first person to live in this beautifully renovated home.

I am honestly in awe. There were so many tearful moments where I questioned why I thought it would be a good idea to leave everything behind. There were weeks where I felt nothing but sheer panic about the uncertainty of my future. But this entire experience has showed me that I’m more resilient than I thought. Finally, for the first time in over 5 years, I am genuinely happy.

The most important lesson I have learned is that I should trust in my abilities. Before I moved here, I had horrible social anxiety and felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I didn’t have any friends and my boyfriend at the time always made me feel bad about myself. I was horribly depressed. But after moving here and getting multiple amazing job offers, meeting new people and seeing how easy it is for me to be social, I realized that the only reason I was so depressed and anxious before was I was surrounded by the wrong people. Without those people around me, I’ve been able to come into my own and I’ve realized I’m a hell of a lot more confident and capable than I thought I was.

So that’s my success story. Deciding to escape my old, miserable life was the best decision I’ve ever made. I decided to be better, and I will be forever thankful for that decision.

Notable Comments:

• My favorite professor in college once told me “the quality of your relationships determines what you are capable of”. It’s probably the best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten and proves itself to be true everyday. Congrats OP! This post made my day.

• I did the same 2 years ago, and even today I cant believe that I changed so radically. It was really toxic environment back then. I was working for 10-12hour/day for a shitty salary... And when I moved here, I work 8h/day for much more bigger salary and also I can manage my time when I need days off. And now, I start appreciate the free time much more. I considerably increased time for my hobbies, friends and family. So, I recommend everyone to do the same. If you feel constantly for a long period of time that you dont belong in that place, around those people, around those co-workers... GET OUT OF IT. YOU DONT LOOSE ANYTHING AND CAN ANYTIME COME BACK. KEEP IN MIND, THAT ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.

This is a repost. I'm not the original poster and do not need advice.