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Please be aware that this post talks about sensitive and triggering topics, such as self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and suicide. Please, do not read if any of these might trigger or upset you.

(Also, I'm unsure if I can be saying this here! If I can't, please delete this post. I did read the rules, but I'm still afraid I might be overstepping.)

So, I just wanted to share my own thoughts with people out there, half as a way to help others that might be going through similar situations as me, and half as a way to get this off my chest.

I was scrolling through reddit, looking for something related to a recent Scar video, when I came across this post (will link the post in the end of this). It was about how Xisuma had saved said person from harming themselves through a video from a while back, and how it bettered their life. I read it all, and it was incredibly heartwarming (in a melancholic way) to see that they had been able to free themselves from the cage that is mental illness and start to recover. (I am very, very happy for them!)

Well, I decided I would watch the video myself. An oh boy, did it lead to a chain reaction.

You see, I am no stranger to this kind of situation. Yes, I've been struggling with the same things the original person has for the past 3 years, and it hasn't been easy. Of course, I won't be sharing details as it is both personal and it might be triggering to others, but I will share the important bits so you can understand this post.

Xisuma's video was incredibly well made, and it hit very close to home in some ways. It lacked the usual sappy stuff you'd find in something like this (which I really appreciate), and instead gave the viewer actual feedback and support coming from someone who had dealt with said issues in the past. It's a tiny video, but it managed to get me so deep in my own thoughts so many times that I ended up having to go back and restart it countless times.

Sure, the video was a little anxiety-inducing, since it felt as if I was being picked apart piece-by-piece and exposed to my own eyes. But that doesn't really matter, because it made me realize that indeed, I don't want to disappear. I want be happy, feel the bubbling of genuine laughter inside my chest again. That I should look for support, that getting help is essential. That self harm won't be fixing anything, and that I need to be the one moving to solve my own issues, instead of waiting for something to happen. That I should be the one figuring out what is the thing that keeps dragging me to this dark place, and that I need to cut it out from my life. That I am the one in charge of where I can go, and that I have the power to choose my own fate.

It made me rethink where I want to go, and who I want to be. I'm still young, and even if I weren't, I'd still have the free will to change things. Yes, I know that it won't be a linear process. Yes, I know that I might have bad moments again, where I start to lose hope. But now I know what to root for, and what I need to do to stop digging up my own hole.

Please, watch Xisuma's video if you relate to any of this. Try to bring his words close to your heart and think about them. Think about what you can do to help yourself, don't sit still. You can do this. We will be walking towards our own future together. :)

(Xisuma's video: )

(The original post: )