DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: crazy neighbors

mood spoilers: wow.

- Sept 5th, 2015

So this is a probably a really weird question for me to ask but it's a weird situation and I'm not really sure what I can do. My house is on a corner lot. Two years ago a newlywed couple moved in to the one house that’s beside mine. Right away they started making weird comments about the color my house was painted (yellow) and soon switched to outright demanding that I paint it a different color. My house was painted yellow when it was built it, I like the color and there is no bylaw against it or anything. They have called the police on me about it as well as the city, both of whom told them to pound sound because I hadn’t done anything wrong and there was nothing they could do. They also tried suing me in court (the suit was thrown out and they had to pay my legal fees) and getting our other neighbors together to form a Home Owner’s Association in the hopes eventually I could be forced to paint my house a different color. Our other neighbors also told them to pound sand and they have basically alienated themselves from everyone else in the neighborhood at this point.

I recently had to go out of town for something. I was gone for two weeks. When I got back two days ago my house was gray. Seriously. I actually almost drove past it because I’m so used to my yellow house. I knew immediately who was responsible but when I went over and knocked on their door no one answered. I think the couple figured out that I was away and not just at work when they saw our neighbors collecting my mail for me, because I sure as hell never told them I was going away and I know my other neighbors hate them too and didn’t tell them. The neighbor from across the street came over and showed me pictures that he took of the painting company setting up and doing the work. He said he and another neighbor called the police but the painting company had a valid work order and had been paid so the police couldn’t do anything. He also told about it but because they were paid to do the work they said they had to do it to avoid being sued. I called the painting company to get a copy of the work order and it was in the name of a “Ms. Jane Smith” and was paid for in cash. A redheaded woman and her redheaded husband came to the company to hire them (my neighbors are both redheads) saying they would be out of town and would like their house painted while they were gone. They gave the painting company pictures of my house, taken from the street.

I have a surveillance camera at my front and side doors and in my backyard because I work shifts and as a woman living alone I don’t want some stranger breaking into my house and waiting to ambush me when I get home. My neighbors never set foot on my property at any time so they can’t be charged with trespassing and they didn't do the painting (which was actually done properly). When I called the police they re-iterated that since the painters were hired, had a valid work order and were paid to do the job, they can’t be charged with trespassing because it was reasonable for them not to know and they were acting in good faith and didn’t cause any physical damage to the house. Also the neighbors can't be charged with trespassing or vandalism because they didn't come on my property or touch the house themselves. I don’t know if I can sue anyone because there was no actual damage or harm done to me or the house. My neighbors still have not answered their door or shown themselves. I am pissed off beyond belief because I liked my yellow house and I can’t believe how fucking crazy that they have been. I wish I could show a court or city council how psycho they have been over this. I want to know if I have any recourse or if I can do something to get them to pay to paint the house back to yellow. Does anyone know what I can do to get them to fix this and paint it back?

Edit: I live in the state of Louisiana

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Top comment (deleted)

Call your home owners Insurance, file a vandalism claim. Insurance company pays you, paint your home back Yellow. Give Insurance company all information let them sue them. This is why you have insurance.

Kelv37:

They defaced your property. That is vandalism. Depending on how much it costs to fix, it may be a felony. You also have damages. The cost of painting your house back to the color you like. The principle applies to someone who paints a beautiful mural on a drab grey wall. That is still vandalism even though in many respects it is an improvement.

On how much a new paint job would cost:

OOP: They [the neighbors] paid $4000 in cash according to the painting company.

- September 6th, 2015 (next day)

I was going to wait until the after the weekend to talk to the lawyer I used for their last lawsuit against me, but there have been further developments so I had to call him this morning. Beyond the fact that they have filed another lawsuit against me for the cost of the painters (yes, seriously) I can't say anything further about what has all happened, on the advice of my lawyer. I will provide an update once everything is resolved.

Edit: Thank-you to everyone who responded to my last post. You really know how to make a girl feel special :p

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LupineChemist

Well, I suppose that makes proving culpability pretty easy. The painters are no longer needed to pin the neighbors.

AnUnchartedIsland

Seriously, didn't they just completely incriminate themselves? If so, that's actually awesome news for OP.

Hyndis

They did.

And whats even better is that they are too stupid to realize they've incriminated themselves.

Editor’s Note: Sadly marking this as inconclusive as OOP hasn’t posted in over eight years. We'll have to assume OOP's house color is back to cheery yellow with a sprinkling of tasteful rainbow polka dots, reluctantly financed by their neighbors.

Thank you for reading my first BoRU submission and apologies for any formatting mistakes!

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in and their own page.

Thanks to for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. The latest post is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: emotional affair

Mood Spoiler: sad but OOP will be ok

Original : May 8, 2024

Title: I got a text from my sister’s bestie about her and my husband “loving me too much” to do anything to hurt me.

My sister’s bestie told me that she feels guilty for being a snitch but that she couldn’t do this to me anymore because she thinks that I am a kind person and don’t deserve this.

My sister and my husband have always got along very well. They’re both brilliant. Both lecturers at the University and they have so much in common. I am not stupid but I never loved school and I have high school education. They have become best friends throughout the years (14 years) but never once did I feel uncomfortable about it since my husband has shown me nothing but love and respect. The opposite. Until now I counted myself lucky that the two people that I love the most in this world get along so well.

But now, I feel nauseated. The bestie sent me screenshots upon screenshots of her conversation with my sister. My sister has feelings for my husband and she appears to know that my husband feels the same way about her too. In one of the texts, my sister wrote that she loved me too much to do anything to hurt me. In another she wrote that I am too dear to both her and my husband to do anything that would hurt me.

She seems to think that they’re soulmates which is odd because the talk about soulmates came up once between my husband and I when I told him that I didn’t want us to be soulmates. He was curious and ask me why, I told him because soulmates meant that we are “programmed” or “destined” to fit together. There’s no free will involved and I want my love to come from a free space not a predestined place. He laughed and said he loved that. But apparently they’re soulmates?

I know that I need to talk to him but I am dreading that. I am in so much despair right now.💔

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: If what the friend sent you is true, you need to take a moment and gather your thoughts before this talk you need to have with your husband, if possible check his phone so you have first hand look at the comunnication not the friends one. If real the emotional affair is more than enough of a betrayal.

OOP: For me even an emotional affair is a deal breaker, unfortunately.

Edit (Same post, Same day)

Hi! Thanks for your help. I asked how I would be sure before asking my husband so he doesn’t just blatantly lie and you suggested to look into his phone. Thanks for your suggestion.

I did now. I told him about my sister’s conversations with her best friend and showed him the screenshots. He was shocked at first and said he had no romantic feelings for her and he had no idea about her feelings, so I asked to see his phone.

I read their texts and emails. And I was shocked that their contact is way more intensive and intense than I thought. They talk on a daily basis. They have lunch multiple times a week. Nothing sexual in the texts but yeah, he is stupid if he “doesn’t know” that she loves him, and he must think that I am stupid if after reading, I wouldn’t get the feeling that he has some feelings too.

In one of her texts, she wrote that she wished they had met first and under different circumstances. His answer wasn’t totally dismissive. He wrote yeah, it would probably have been different. When I asked him about it, he said well yeah, if he didn’t know and love me he would probably have been interested in another, my sister included. But he loves me and she is a close friend of his.

So there’s no sexual relationship between them, but I am not sure that is enough for me. I think they are both wrong and should have nipped it in the bud way earlier. I don’t know what to do now. I think I need time for myself to process this. I don’t feel well at all about this and I don’t want to make decisions from a place of fear and hurt nor convenience.

I am sorry I can’t answer all private messages. Because I don’t use my phone that often. But our ages are: my husband is 45. I am 42. My sister is 38. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and married for 14. My sister is single. I am not a stay at home mom. I have my own business. We don’t have children. My sister has 2 from a previous relationship.

Update (Same Post): May 9, 2024 (Next Day)

So now I have had some long talks and discussions with my husband. He seems to think that this is getting bigger than it is supposed to because I told him that I needed time alone to think and digest this. He said that he doesn’t understand why I am this hurt since he loves me and nobody else. I didn’t relent however and he admitted that he knows that my sister is in love with him because she has told him so. But she knows that nothing can happen between them so she is fine with just friendship(martyr). He loves her but not romantically and he is happy to have a friend like her. Their friendship is important to him and he doesn’t want it to end because I don’t trust him and his love for me.

He made a comparison to my best friend and asked what I would think if he asked me to cut my best friend from my life. He admitted that “intellectually” he has more in common with her than with me but that the heart doesn’t always choose who we are more “compatible” and that he loves and is physically attracted to me. I think this whole situation is messed up. I am repulsed by them both. I texted my sister all her screenshots and she wrote that she was disappointed in her bestie and that “your husband is all yours because I would never let anything happen that would hurt you because you are the most important person to me”

In other words they are both contradicting each other since both seem to believe that they are the one who is not letting a “relationship” between them grow for my sake.

Relevant Comments:

On them meeting for lunch:

About the lunches, he says that it is because they both work at the university and they eat lunch when both are in office. But tgat isn’t true because they don’t work in the same building.

Commenter: How did he act? Was he truly shocked? Why did he hide how intense their communication was?

OOP: He was probably more shocked that my sister is talking to her friend about this. Otherwise he knows everything and probably likes it or he would have stopped it.

Commenter: Other women’s husbands are not your soulmates.

As an academic, i know academics are often very emotionally dysregulated individuals inclined to asbtract and even magical thinking. Are you sure she isn’t delusional? They both sound like idiots.

OOP: They are idiots yes. If I was her, and I had developed feelings to my sister’s husband I would have nibbed it immediately. She is not a heroine for “not wanting to hurt me and sacrificing her happiness instead.

If I was him, I would have immediately gone no contact with someone who has feelings for me (if we are to believe that he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings like he is pretending) if I had any respect for my spouse.

So they are both idiots yes

Update : June 15, 2024 (1 month and 1 week later)

I have written here and a few comments about my soon to be ex husband and my sister. I left him about a week after and he texted me day and night about how much he loved me and wanted me back then he just stopped. That’s when I found out that my sister left her children at my parents’ house and moved in with my husband. This made everything come out to the rest of my family and my parents were shocked and my mother really looked like she was already showing ptsd symptoms. About how disgusting she felt this whole thing was. She kept calling it incest and asking is that even legal.

I guess that is how much my sister “cared” not to hurt me(if you read my first post). Even though I have been well composed and calm that I surprised myself, I still tried my hardest to look back on my whole life, childhood and upbringing to understand when it all went so wrong. What my sister did felt like something that was the result of years of resentment or at least indifference towards me and our relationship as sisters, so how did I miss that? She never cared about me did she? If she didn’t how could I have been so blind?

Then not even a week later, I heard that they have ended things. I found out in the oddest way possible. My sister texted me. The first time she texted me since everything started. She just wrote “You b , I hope you burn in life and in hell”. I was very confused because she spent that week sharing cheesy “deep” quotes about love and soul mates and romantic insta stories with my stbxh. But apparently that was over. Stbxh has blocked her everywhere and she moved out. Because she came to my parents to get her children and had a meltdown when they asked for explanation. Stbxh started calling and texting me again asking me to meet because he wanted to explain because he loved me and wanted me to understand. He wanted to meet at least once before we started to meet with the lawyers involved.

So that is that. This has left me even more confused than if they just ended up together. I understand falling out and in love. Breaking up and starting anew but I can’t explain this. My stbxh keeps calling me his only love and true friend and my sister, until I left kept promising that she would never do anything to hurt me. She left her children at my parents’ doorstep and didn’t answer their calls or texts for a week.

And all of this for a week? What were they thinking? Has anyone here heard of something like this happening? People throwing everything for not even a week?

True Off My Chest : June 15 (Same Day)

After one week of “being in love” and my sister leaving her children at my parents door to be living in my home with my soon to be ex husband and flaunting everything on social media and sharing cheesy quotes, she moved back to her apartment and got her children from my parents. They aren’t friends on fb and he unfollowed her on instagram. Now she is saying that I have ruined her happiness and he started texting me again begging me to talk in private because he needed to explain everything before we started getting our lawyers involved between us.

I understand that people fall out of love and sometimes they can’t control who they fall for and they can hurt many people around them but I never heard of two people throwing everything they pretended to care about for one week.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: “Speak to my attorney.”

I’d have that as my outgoing voice message.

OOP: I haven’t answered any calls from him, his family or unknown numbers. I don’t answer any texts either.

Comment: Men come and go, but a sister doing this is a fucking abomination. 

I could not imagine betraying my sisters like this. 

She ruined her owned dammed life. What is she blaming you for? Being married to her affair partner? 

I'd let her bitch ass have him. 

OOP: She can most certainly have him.

Commenter: I’m curious to know what his family could even try and say. Like wut.

OOP: I dont have great relationship with his family, especially his mother. We lost our child and they blamed me for us not wanting more children afterwards, when it was both’s decision

Commenter: It’s even worse that they are harassing you on his behalf.

Also sorry for your loss (child and relationships)

OOP: I don’t know if they are harassing me on his behalf to be honest since I haven’t answered them. They could be as confused as I am and he could be ghosting them.

Not taking any chances anyway

Thank you❤️

Commenter: So they actually admitted to being together? Did they admit to the affair?

OOP: I don’t know tbh. I don’t think he knew that I knew they were together until he found out she was sharing it on instagram

Commenter: I remember your first post!

What threw me was him giving a whole spiel on how he loves you & doesn’t love your sister in that way & the first thing he does is move your sister into y’alls home.

He’s living in regret right now! These two are probably still in contact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they end back together, smh! Onward & upward

OOP: I don’t think they are still in contact no

Commenter: This is the thing with infatuation/crush. You build someone up in your mind, but the reality is so very different. It's funny that it only took 1 week for them to fall apart. Your sister dumping her kids speaks volumes about the type of person she is. I hope her life is hell, I hope karma fucks her to the maximum. Go see him, let him explain, get your closure, and for the love of all that is holy, cut your sister off.

OOP: As much I am confused and want answers, I don’t want to get them from him. I don’t know how the divorce will be done and if I am going to need to see him or not, hopefully not but if it happens, my lawyer cnndo the talking.

That’s why I am here instead, maybe people here have experience of something similar and can explain wtf happened these past two months

I am not OOP. OOP is and they posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: Theft, possible infidelity

March 24, 2024 (Original post was deleted, but recovered)

I share an account with my husband (20 yrs married) and bills come out. We have specific rules about how much we can spend. Well, 2 weeks ago I saw that there was a 4200 transfer into the account from a bank or loan company. 4100 immediately was cash apped to an unknown woman.

1st he lied and said he applied for a furniture loan but didn’t go through. After I called the loan company and they confirmed it did go through, I asked him again. Then he said it was for a side hustle but he didn’t actually take it.

Neither sounds believable. I can’t get to the truth and I feel like I am an idiot. I also see other cash apps to this woman, not just the 4100. The more I write this… I realize it’s serious and already know I am the idiot. How do I make him tell me?

Relevant Comments:

:

Lying about money and where it’s going is definitely a one-way ticket to divorce-ville. Either he tells you the truth or you need to get out now.

:

You cannot make him tell you. You send the evidence to an attorney and you ask him of he wants to work on saving this (assuming that u want).

Then, you'll plan the rest of your one wild and beautiful life.

:

I’m author. U guys have all validated everything I been thinking. If u can’t tell I hate confrontation. He’s a cop and loves confrontation. I’ll try to get the courage to change banks today. Wish me luck.

:

You don’t have to confront him.

You already have him an opportunity to be honest and he lied to your face.

A confrontation is only going to make things worse. Start working on your exit plan quietly. Pretend like nothing is wrong. Get your ducks in a row, and then one day when he is at work, leave and have him served with the paperwork.

He doesn’t deserve to know your plans. Don’t give him any opportunities to stop you.

:

Don't confront 

I would go to the bank and ask for a "financial Snapshot". It's essentially a screenshot of the current balance of all of your accounts at this date and time

I would also see a lawyer in the next couple of days to ensure you take the correct steps in moving forward  

Don't let your husband know in the meantime as he'll hide more funds. 

Stay quiet 

:

The responses are pretty harsh, but real. from a woman’s perspective who has been married over 40 years, there is no salvaging this relationship. Your husband has gone too far. He wanted to be caught because he used the joint account and when caught he first lied and now refuses to explain. You have changed your direction deposit, good start. Now get a lawyer. You can move half of the bill money from your new account manually (take out cash) into the old joint account until the legalities are resolved. There is no saving this marriage; whatever he is into is too hurtful and shameful to him and you will not be able to forgive him for how he has gaslighted you. If it is sorted out during the divorce and you still want to try to reconcile afterwards, it will be a whole new relationship. The old one is dead; killed by his deception.

June 15, 2024

So I posted a few months ago (now deleted) that my spouse took out a loan of 4100 and immediately cash-apped it to a woman. I could see the transactions in our joint account easily. When I asked him about it he lied for weeks saying that he was buying an aquarium, then saying he put it into a side hustle but I disproved each of these explanations by investigating the weird stories and calling the furniture store and eventually he admitted he was giving a girl money.

After a deeper dive into our accounts, I found out he’s given this girl a total of 6400 over the course of 8 months now. I’m just so annoyed & angry since we've been married 22 yrs and it’s all ending over these lies… I actually know the girl. She was a coworker of my husband's 5 yrs ago. They both swear it’s platonic & she just needed the money. He literally said I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad. She’s even called me “to explain“ and texted me bible verses about forgiveness. Idc about anything they say. I make 2x what he makes so I will likely pay alimony--I may even have to move out of my own GD house. He was taking my own money to “help” her. Sooooo freakin unbelievable.

Update: adding some info… so husband had a vasectomy 16 yrs ago and rechecked 6 months later. I’ve seen medical recs. It’s probably not an affair baby. I thought I would add that the original way I met this other woman, we’ll call her Bee, was when my husband asked me to write her a character reference after she came to work under the influence. They wanted rehab instead of job loss. Yes, I did it. No, it didn’t work & she was still fired. She’s trouble. On the other hand, she has been paying the payments on the loan of 4100.

The reason I said I may have to move out is my lawyer floated the idea —instead of giving up half my retirement— I could sell the house and give him half the profit. I have a large retirement that’s worth way more than the house equity. Yes, I’m pretty serious about divorce because of all the lies & secrecy. I also have a very strong feeling that there is more that I don’t know.

Relevant Comments:

:

He literally said I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad.

And how did that work out for him?

You are not over reacting.

Find a good divorce lawyer.

:

Hire a good damn lawyer and hell no you are not overreacting.

Also they are both so damn full of shit. Ain't no guy in the world giving a girl that much without getting something for it.

:

Talk to a lawyer. Do not move out until you do so (unless you have any fear or even an inkling question about your safety and if that’s the case get somewhere safe immediately) as it may be considered abandoning the homestead, but there are steps you can take to protect your finances that should be done immediately.

1. If you have joint bank accounts, put 1/2 in an account he can’t access.

2. Freeze your credit at all three credit reporting agencies - Transunion, Experian, and Equifax. This is critical if he is borrowing money to give to his “platonic” AP. You can do this online and do it immediately.

3. Get your important documents secured in a safe or safe deposit box he can’t access.

4. Check all credit card balances for any suspicious activity- cancel any joint cards so he can’t put you on the hook for balances that he runs up.

5. Tell someone you trust what’s happening and let him know that you’ve done so - you’ve mentioned he’s a cop and his behavior you describe is dishonest and highly sus.

F forgiveness (fake Christians like AP sure are big on forgiveness bible verse when they want it - but will never give it). Fight him in court, but if you have to pay him alimony, it will be the best money you’ll ever spend even though it may be irksome (it was for me)

This just sucks and is really quite unbelievable. Sorry that your husband has brought you here. Good luck.

What was her explanation? Is she planning on paying it back?

:

Yes she is planning to pay it back. Explanation is that she had series of money issues including car trouble & medical bills. Even if they’re not lying about the “ friendship “— I am beyond pissed at being lied to by husband straight up lies about a side hustle & aquarium.

Why is she asking your husband for it if they worked together years ago? Were you aware they were still in contact? 

:

That’s def part of what makes me angry . They were in contact and he admits that whenever she calls he goes outside to smoke. That’s why I didn’t know they were in contact/ it’s also sketchy as hell.

She lives in a whole other state since 3yrs ago. But st this point I don’t trust anything they say.

:

Have you seen there messages at all? Are they flirty?

:

Husband always deletes texts. All texts . So I wasn’t able to see many texts but…husband wanted to visit her exact town a few months ago on a boys trip. ( w/ out me) I told him no because he was acting so wierd about it. “ I told him I think you’re lying about something. “ I didn’t know anything about the girl at the time… but I’m putting pieces together and my gut just knew.

Editor's Note: I am marking this as ongoing as OOP has said she wants a divorce, but hasn't left/kicked out/confronted her husband yet.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

Originally posted in - by

1 Update - Short

- May 15, 2023

- May 15, 2023

Trigger Warnings: Abusive relationship, domestic violence

Mood Spoilers: OOP is safe and happier now

1 New Update

- June 20, 2024 (11 Months Later)

My boyfriend (33m) quit his job last year without telling me. I only found out 2 days before the rent was due (we split everything 50/50) when I asked him for his part of the rent. When I asked, he simply told me he quit because he was tired of working at that place. Since then, I’ve been paying for everything, including rent, food, gas, bills, and anything he needs. I had to work 2 jobs while going to school for a while, it was hard.

But I finally finished school couple months ago and I found my dream job. I make enough to live comfortably, even take care of my bf and still have money for saving. However, I still want him to get a job to support himself because I think as an adult, he needs a job. But I feel like he rely on me too much and he thinks since my job pays well, he doesn’t have any reason to work. He always say things like “you make good money now so maybe you could buy me my dream car” or “you should open a business for me to run”.

It bothers me a lot. I don’t mind supporting my partner financially if there’s a legit reason that prevent him from working, but it’s not the case. He spends most of his time playing games, meeting up with friends, or just at home watching movies. I still have to do all the chores and take care of our dogs. His family thinks that he’s been working to take care of me so that I can finish school, which is not true. Now they think I was able to finish school and got a good job all because of him. I don’t even want to explain to them. I just want him to get a job and have a future. When I tried to talk to him, he told me I’m not supportive and now that I have a good job, I look down on him.

What should I do? Is it even worth it to try to talk some sense into him? I don’t want to start dating at this age but I feel like I can’t keep doing this.

Edit: some people pointed out “quit”, not “quitted” so I edit to correct that. Sorry, I can’t change the title. English is my 2nd language, so I still make mistake here and there. Thank you for the correction

Edit 2: wow, I didn’t expect this many comments. I can’t reply to everyone, but I did read all the comments and I really appreciate it.

Many people have asked why him? why I stay for years? what did I see in him? So I just want to answer it here.

We started off pretty normal. We split everything 50/50, and I had no problem with that. But throughout the years, he started showing his true self. I was in school and school was the most important thing to me at that point, so I invested all my time and energy into it. I was in a PhD program, so I had stipend (around 30k/yr), which was enough for myself but not for 2 people. After he quit his job, I was very stressed out but I had to focus on school and tried to do everything I could to survive. I didn’t have time to really think about my personal life and I also didn’t want to go through any changes in life, so I just let it be. In addition, he guild trips me a lot, so I feel bad for him.

But now that I have a stable job, I have time to really think about my future, I don’t see myself being with him long term. I don’t think it would be as easy as “hey, let’s break up” because I know he wouldn’t let it go that easy. But I’ll start planning to get out, maybe ask some friends for support. His name is not on the lease, so I’ll stay where I am and he’ll have to move.

Relevant Comments:

You break up with him. He’s not a partner- he’s a freaking leach.

Stop trying to control him and control what you can. Break up. Kick him out / move out.

Find someone worthy of you. - whereisthetvchanger

Wow. You leave. You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a dependent. Of course he’s not getting a job. Why would he? You have proven to him that he doesn’t need to because he’s got a sugar momma. Him saying that you look down on him? It’s manipulation. He wants you to feel bad. Supportive of what? Him sitting around playing games? Leave. Dating can actually be fun and you can’t want this for the rest of your life. - trishsf

OOPs Reply: I did feel bad when he said that. And he does that all the time. Everytime I bring up something, he would start talking about how miserable his life is and how I just make it worse. I admit that I stay til now because I feel bad. And no, I don’t want this for the rest of my life. I will move on and hopefully find someone who cares

- July 12, 2023 (Almost 2 Months Later)

It’s been 2 months since I posted about my situation on this sub and I just want to give you an update of how things went after I made that post. Before I go into the details, I just want to say I really appreciate everyone here. After I resolved everything, I occasionally would go back to my original post and read the comments to remind myself that I’ve done the right thing.

After posting on here, I went home from work that day and asked my friends to come over but stay in the parking lot while I sort things out with my now ex bf. Before I could even start the conversation, he told me his friend got a new car recently and how I should get him a car since I can afford it. I got really upset and told him he could’ve got himself a car if he was working. I told him how stressful it has been for me with him not working and fully relying on me.

He started the “my life is already miserable and you’re not being supportive” talk. I was sick of it. So I said I wanted to end things here and he needs to move out asap. As expected, he got upset and threw a tantrum. He was yelling, throwing stuff around, and when he realized I was being dead serious, he started threatening to hit and kill my dogs. I jumped in between him and the dogs to stop him from harming them. Then he pushed me, and grabbed me by my neck. I was able to get him off of me, put the dogs into a room, and called my friends to tell them come in and call the police. He was trying to hit me but my friends got there in time. I think he got scared when he saw my friends showed up, so he backed down but still verbally telling them to get out of the way or he would hit them too. The police came. They took him away and told me he wouldn’t be able to come into the apartment anymore. He had to move but would need to be escorted by the police if he wants to grab his stuff later.

It was a horrible experience, but it showed me that I’ve done the right thing. I thought that was the end of everything. But his aunty called me when she found out, and tried to gaslight me saying that he didn’t do anything wrong and I was just upset so I called the police. I told myself that I no longer have to deal with these bullshit, so I told her to leave me alone and hung up. His family would continue to harass me but stopped when I threaten to report to the police.

I continue to pay the rent and bills like how I’ve always been doing. The only thing that’ve changed is I’m now so much happier. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in years. I just got a promotion last week. I’ve been spending time enjoying life (with the extra money I have since I no longer having to pay for his expenses). As for my ex, he’s moved in with his aunt. I got a protection order so we are not in contact at all.

Relevant Comments:

Wonderful update! Congrats to you, you’re strong and capable and now you can live in peace - SolitaireOG

OOPs Reply: Thank you! It feels great to wake up in the morning and don’t have to worry about what kind of crap is he going to give me today. And omg the extra saving that I have since I’m not longer financially responsible for a full grown adult

**New Update**

1 yr Update Last year, boyfriend (33m) quit his job without telling me and now he refused to look for another job. I’m (31f) tired of paying for everything?

It’s been a year since I called the police on my ex bf after he hurt me and threatened to hurt my dogs. I hope the same thing doesn’t happen to anyone, but if you’re currently in a similar relationship, I hope this post will help you realize good things will come after to stand up for yourself.

After my ex was taken by the police, I dealt with some harassment from his family but they eventually left me alone. I moved closer to my job and basically a different city that’s 30mins away from my old apartment. I took sometime to heal, and went on vacations by myself, it was great. I finally look forward to coming home and spend time with my dogs (one of them passed away from cancer couple months ago). About 6 months after the incident, I met someone. He’s a great person and for the first time in a long time, someone treats me with love and respect. I’m very happy at the moment. I’ve learnt to set boundaries and expectations early on to avoid being in the same situation again.

Now to my ex’s case. Yesterday, I got a call from the prosecutor office. To be honest, I totally forgot about the case and I thought there’s nothing else to follow up on. But they called to inform me that they’ll be pressing charges and asked if I would be okay to testify. I said yes. It’ll be hard for me to go to court and talk about the incident if he’s right there, because even though I’ve completely moved on with my life, I can still feel the fear when I heard about the case. I’m somewhat still traumatized by the whole thing. But I think he needs to be responsible for his actions, especially after his aunty tried to defend his actions by blaming me.

It really sucks that I have to go through all of that to end a toxic and abusive relationship, but I got out somewhat safely and I can’t imagine what my life would be if I stayed. It was a hard time, but it’s worth it. Things are definitely better and I’m surrounded by people who truly love me and appreciate me. Simple and little things in life truly make me happy. Like how my bf got me bubble tea and prepared dinner for me when I had a hard day at work last week. I can’t believe just more than a year ago, I thought a day without an argument was already a good day.

Comments

cumrightin90

Good for you leaving that toxic situation. The exact thing happened to me last year as well. I was in a relationship with a toxic ex and I finally stood up for myself and ended the relationship. We had to love together until we figured out the living situation since unfortunately both our names were on the lease. The way I got out was by calling the police after he swung a sound bar at me. I'm still traumatized about it to this day, I'm in therapy for the things he did and said to me. He plead guilty which I'm so glad that this nightmarish chapter can finally be over.

OOP: I’m glad you were able to get out before things got worse. It’s a very traumatizing experience but therapy does help. I hope you have a good support system and are around people who cares about you and understand your experience.

FireSilver7

Hey OP, thank you for sharing an update! I'm so glad things have improved for you and that you're happy and surrounded by people who love and care about you.

I can only imagine how scary it will be to testify against your ex, but you are so brave and strong for doing that! If you feel like you need it, get a counselor to help you navigate and process the emotions you're feeling, so you can reduce the effects of retraumatization.

I wish you all the best and good luck in the trial!

OOP: I was told that the victim advocates will reach out and walk me through the process, as well as help preparing me for trial. I know it’ll be very hard and triggering, but it’ll be even harder for me to live with the fact that he gets away with what he did and I’m the one who let it happens

I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That was . They have since deleted their account.

Thanks to for the rec!

Mood Spoiler: OOP will be ok

Original : June 15, 2024

My husband and I met 2 years ago. He proposed six months later and told me he knew I was the one when he met me and that he didn’t want to waste time or lose me. I was (still is) head over heels and agreed. We have been married for 6 months and expecting our first baby.

Last weekend we bumped into his ex. They were together for 9 years but she ended the relationship when he didn’t take the relationship to the next level. When we got engaged and married my husband texted her to tell her and to apologize and talked about fate and how some things aren’t meant to be. I remember asking him why, he said that he owed it to her that so she doesn’t hear it from other people and not be prepared. They broke up 3 years ago (edit not 4; it was October-December 2021; bad math).

She was pregnant and holding hands with a kid that could be 7 or 8 years old and she was with a man who was obviously her partner and they were very affectionate towards each other. My husband said hi even though we could walk by unnoticed by them but he insisted to talk.

When we got home I heard him crying in the bathroom . Now he has been depressed and distant the whole week. I realized he must’ve written to her after we got home and he showed me his phone and yes he has. Again apologized for what he did and told her that some things are not meant to be.

Would I be the ah if I confronted him about what’s going on? Why is he doing this

Edit: throwaway. I dont want him finding me

Relevant Comments:

Commenter (downvoted): If you think his emotional reaction means you're coming in "second" or that he still has feelings for her, that seems like such a waste. You are pregnant with this man's child! His ex is pregnant and in a happy relationship! You are obviously the one he is with.  The fact that he HAD feelings for his ex does not indicate that he "settled" for you!  Please, do not succumb to this black and white thinking.   You have a husband who has every right to feelings and emotions. It sounds like he handled this situation with grace and dignity.   I think he does need to cut communication with her completely in order to focus on his life. He had this moment of closure, you are both pregnant. Don't sabotage this with some bs about needing to be first. Or else go find a virgin/ guy who has never been in a serious relationship and be that guy's first...  

OOP: Ughhhhhh your picture of “handling things with grace and dignity” are totally different to mine and that is ok. I respectfully disagree with everything you said here and I am sorry but I am following my gut feeling which is often strong and true

Commenter: Don’t end the relationship yet. Level with him about how you feel. Talk to him. Tell him. Give him the chance to come to his senses and double-down on you. Once you tell him exactly how this makes you feel, he should move heaven and earth to try to repair the damage with you. If he does not, then you will know what to do.

OOP: That’s the plan. I will give him a chance to choose me. Maybe confronting was the wrong word I used in my post. More like tell him how I feel and let him explain and them decide if his explanation is good enough for me.

Many are suggesting therapy. I don’t think it works for me, ar least not if he doesn’t choose me. I don’t believe therapy changes what in the heart but only gives you tools to hide it better

Therapy only works if both parties has chosen each other and need tooks to communicate that

Commenter: NTA. The fact he 1/ texted her, 2/ cried and 3/ worst of all, has been distant is a red flag, it shows that he is NOT over her and he cannot even control those feelings and act normal towards you.

Frankly, it looks like he wishes he were still with her, and settled for you just because he couldn’t keep her.

OOP: But that’s the thing, he could have kept her if he wanted. The break up was because he didn’t want marriage and children

Commenter: And now he realizes he fucked up and only got his second choice.

Sorry honey, but we all have exes, and yet we don’t get all mopey about them. If I met my ex today and he was with his family, I wouldn’t be sad - I be very happy for him!

Even I acknowledge that my exes were good guys, they have zero emotional power over me… Because my husband is 100% of what I want. I’m sure your husband is fond of you. But he doesn’t love you with all of his heart because if he did, there would be no space for her years after their breakup.

OOP: Same here! I have loved before and I have had exes. I would never have felt anything if I met my ex with a new woman because I don’t care about them emotionally

Commenter: She's the one who got away.

OOP: That is what I want to understand. How did she get away? He had her for 9 years and didn’t want to make the commitment

(to a different commenter): She left him because he didn’t want to get married or have children. I never got the sense that the break up was devastating to him just that they wanted different things

Commenter: Why have you’ve rushed every aspect of your relationship? Like, that’s absolutely insane, to be married and expecting in under 2 years. I say that as someone who got married on my 2 year anniversary. That’s nuts. It sounds like he was trying to prove a point and is obviously still in love with his ex and using you to avoid mourning his last relationship.

OOP: Because I am stupid and thought it was so romantic and “meant to be”

People can fool you to believe that they love you so much and there’s no point in waiting.

Commenter: Um, they broke up three years ago but she has a child who is 7 or 8? Are you sure that he didn't abandon his kid?

OOP: Yes I am sure

(different comment): I suppose it is the child of her partner or some relative of theirs

(third reply to a downvoted comment) Because the majority probably didn’t need explaining that the exfg is dating a father and or the boy is just a family member

Commenter: Am I the only person who is wondering why this chick hasn’t blocked his number yet? If she hasn’t, she obviously has some sort of emotional attachment to him even at a minimal level. Seems a bit strange to me.

OOP: Maybe she has? She never answers hom

Update (same post): June 15, 2024 (6 hours later)

OOP shows her husband this top comment:

: NTA, but it sounds like that cliche story.

Guy is happy with status quo and keeping the gf around for 9 years and while he says he’s open to the idea of marriage (to string her along), he believes it’s unnecessary and doesn’t actually make plans to get an engagement ring or pop the question. He just assumes if he runs the clock, she will be stuck with him for life

His Ex decides that she’s had enough of his placating words and realizes if she wants to get married and start a family, it can’t/won’t be with him. After she takes charge of her life and dumps him, he begs her to take him back and that he will give her the ring and wedding that she wanted, but it’s too little, too late. Curtains close on this relationship.

He takes a year or so to heal, and then finds you, who checks off most of his boxes and instead of risking the same thing happening again, he proposes to you in six months of dating and everything happens at warp speed because he has learned from his last serious relationship. Don’t leave it up to chance. Don’t string someone along.

Him bumping into his ex make him realize he still had feelings for the “one who got away”. That if he hadn’t been so stubborn and slow about getting a ring and making his ex happy, that could have been him.

Again apologized for what he did and told her that some things are not meant to be.

He keeps telling himself that because it’s easier to blame fate and absolve himself about being a shit boyfriend who was wasting her time and ruined the relationship singlehandedly.

I’m glad his ex got her happy ending.

I’m sorry your marriage is starting to show cracks because your husband may be incapable of love and had a hidden agenda when marrying you. He might have married you to “prove”to his ex he could commit (like when he texted her about the engagement), rather than because of his deep and lasting love for you.

OOP's Comment Update

Hi again! I hope you read this!

So I showed my husband this comment and I told him that this was basically how I feel things were but that someone else wrote it better. First he got upset and defensive then he started arguing and telling me to leave him alone (I have, for a week been nothing but supportive and leaving him alone)

Then he started crying and asked to read it again. He sat silent for like in like 15 minutes reading it but not once did her deny or try denying it or call me crazy or at least tried to explain.

If I know myself, this is over. I don’t play second fiddle. I don’t do consolation prize and I absolutely am not going to have another woman being the main character in my own story. So I told him this was over and that I need a break to sort out my feelings but that this will eventually end in divorce because I know myself very well.

He didn’t say anything, ANYTHING. Just sat silent. I know his type. The only way he will realize my worth is when he has lost me. Just like he did his ex. People like him are frugal with their feelings. He strung her along because he didn’t want to give her all of him then he turned around and gave me exactly what she wanted but deprived me from exactly what I wanted that he gave her. Men like him will never give all of themselves because he probably thinks he would lose control if he gave all of him to a woman.

What a waste of a man.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: I’m so sorry OP but good on you for knowing your worth. Be glad you aren’t like her and wait 9 years to figure it out. Good luck for the future and with the little one

OOP: I learned from her mistakes. I had a living proof of my own future

Commenter: Her mistakes or "His mistakes"?

OOP: Her mistakes for staying with him for 9 years

I am NOT OOP

Posted 21June2024

Am I the asshole for letting my daughter keep her room?

My (47m) daughter Stacy (15f) has one of the two rooms in my house with an ensuite bathroom. It's a largish room with a nice bay window, obviously very nice. 

I've recently become engaged to my girlfriend of 3 years, Alice (33f), and her landlord has recently hiked her rent, so we're planning to have her move in with me. She has some kids. She has Two daughters (13F,10F), and two sons (11M, 9m). She is also pregnant, with our daughter due in about 5 months.

I've made it absolutely clear to my daughter, as a condition of getting her approval on moving my girlfriend in, that she is allowed to keep her room, and she is also allowed to have a full lock on her door. For what it's worth, I also got my son's (24m) blessing to give away his old room, although that's more of a moot point, as he lives with his own girlfriend now. My daughter plans to go to school locally, and I have told her in no uncertain terms that she's welcome to live at home for the rest of my life, and after that she can inherit the house. I bought the house with her mother and paid it off in large part with her mother's life insurance 10 years ago, so it only seems fair. She says she's all right as long as she has her room and her bathroom and she's allowed to put a lock on her door. She has a toaster oven and a mini fridge in there, so I guess she's pretty well set up.

Stacy will be giving up a room that she's currently using as a studio/project space(she does art, videos and voice-overs etc) so even her larger room will become a bit more cramped, and she'll definitely need the extra space she has. 

There will be a bedroom for Alice's girls, Stacy's old project room, and Alice's boys will be getting my son's old room. I'm going to be putting in a finished nursery /bedroom in the basement for our new daughter.

Alice thinks that this is unfair. She thinks it was wrong of me to make the decision without her, and she also thinks that she should move her two daughters into Stacy's room, and that Stacy should have to move to the smaller room that they'll be getting. The two of them already share a smaller room than the one I'm moving them into as it is, so they are getting an upgrade regardless. Alice thinks that it's not fair for Stacy to have a bathroom all day herself and that there won't be enough bathrooms for everyone else. She also disapproves of Stacy being able to lock everyone out. There were other smaller things she didn't like that I agreed to with Stacy, like the fact that she is to be paid for any babysitting, or the fact that my older car, her mom's old car, is hers when she gets her driver's license.

We'll have our own bathroom in the master bedroom, and the house has three other bathrooms besides, one on each floor, one near what will be her girls room, one not far from what will be the boys room, and one little basically be directly next to the new finished room.

I told Alice that my deal with Stacy is non-negotiable; set in stone and that it's literally a condition of her even moving in. Alice is upset that Stacy and I both have spaces completely dedicated to ourselves. I have my office, which I need because I work from home and have projects besides, and there aren't a whole lot of other spaces to put people. I told her she can pretty much do what she wants in the living room, but that it is what it is and there's pretty much nothing to be done about it. 

A bigger house is not an option unless Alice is going to start making a hell of a lot more money and buy her own bigger house. It's already a pretty big house, and housing is expensive. I told her that she's already getting a break by my only expecting her to contribute 15 or 20% to household bills. If we were doing it proportionately, it would be more like 25 to 30%. We keep separate finances, and we've agreed to a prenup. 

Alice just seems upset that I won't change the setup even though there's no real way to change it, and she's accused me of treating Stacy like a “spoiled little princess” and letting her be “queen of the house”.

Frankly, my daughter comes first, she's lived here all her life, and I already know it's going to be a big adjustment having all these other kids move in. As much as I love Alice and as much as I want our relationship to work out, if it's a matter of choosing between the two of them, then my relationship with Alice is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I've told her that if she comes into this with wicked stepmother vibes, and that'll be the end of things. She thinks I'm being unreasonable. 

AITA?

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Posted 1hr ago 22June2024

Update: Am I the asshole for letting my daughter keep her room

I got a lot of eye-opening insight and advice from my post, so I feel it's worth giving everyone an update, especially considering developments. 

First, to address a few questions that seemed to keep coming up before I lost the ability to read each and every reply (although I'm still trying) 

My son (24m) is my child from a previous relationship before I met / married my late wife. He has his own provisions in my will, but he's quite aware that the house goes to his sister. 

My own sister is to become guardian of my daughter if anything should happen to me. I love my sister as dearly as I love anyone, and she and her niece love each other and get along great. I trust her completely if, God forbid, anything should happen.

Yes. The basement is an unusual place for a nursery, but I was just trying to make people fit where they could go. The move was supposed to be happening within a month, and Alice's older kids needed rooms now. Meanwhile the baby isn't going to be born for about 5 months, so she could go into the room that isn't made yet. I honestly figured we could keep a crib in our room for a bit, and after that it's no big deal for a kid to have her room in a finished basement. Also honestly, I didn't want to move my office. It's been where it is forever and I didn't want to move it. I can admit that. We've had the beginnings/groundwork of a finished basement since forever, but there was never any reason to really put a move on it. It was a big change to go from having more room than we need with just me and Stacy rattling around in the house to suddenly scrambling for space and to not having enough. It was the obvious spot where an additional bedroom could go, but not a spot where a bedroom is now.

Alice and I had talked about marriage and children more or less in the abstract on many occasions, and we both wanted to get married, at some point, if things continued to work out, and I wanted to have more children, although this pregnancy was quite unexpected.

It was Alice's pregnancy combined with the rent hike on her place that accelerated the timetable on things. For what it's worth, the rent hike is real. I've seen the paperwork. And I have literally no reason to suspect the baby is not mine. 

But yes, the only reason why we got engaged so recently is because Alice got pregnant. The only reason why Alice and her kids would be moving in with me so suddenly is because she was likely to need to move somewhere, and I'd obviously like to be responsible for / be near / raise my coming daughter. To me, it made sense for my daughter to live with me. I never wanted to be an absentee/part-Time parent or to not have time or share space with my child. 

The circumstances all made sense, at least until now. 

I was definitely wary of Alice and paying more attention to her, especially after the many many comments that I read. I came to Reddit to get a sanity check on whether or not I was being an asshole about my conditions with Stacy, not to try to actually make any kind of major life or relationship changes. But I didn't want to turn a blind eye either. 

It was Friday, and Stacy texted me, asking for her allowance. I was with Alice at the time, and I went ahead and let the subject come up. 

I give Stacy $100 a week. Alice thinks that this is “crazy” and “excessive”. She thinks it's improper, and she's brought it up as an example of how she thinks I'm raising Stacy like a “spoiled princess”. She said as much again when I told her I was sending Stacy her allowance, but this time Alice also asked if her kids would get the same allowance after we get married. I told her that someday our new daughter would probably get an allowance just like Stacy does, but that there was no way I had any plans of shelling out an extra $400 a week for her other kids. 

Alice got upset. She said that Stacy waste my money on shoes and makeup (she has previously criticized Stacy for wearing fancy sneakers, high heels, and makeup), and she said that I was showing favoritism and that that is a form of abuse. She complained about me letting Stacy buy things with my credit card and store my credit card on her phone when I don't even let Alice do that. She said that whatever money was going to go to the kids should be split evenly amongst them.

When I shrugged and told her that that wasn't going to happen and that I wasn't going to cut Stacy's allowance, she snapped at me and said that a man living alone with his daughter and doting on her like I do is “creepy and incestuous,” and she said “You've just replaced your dead wife with your daughter, and you need to stop.”

That was it. Sure. I've ignored a lot of red flags up till now, but that was it. 

She started trying to tell me about how it's unhealthy for me to be so close with Stacy and how she didn't want her kids to be neglected, and how she wanted to be treated as an equal if we were getting married, but I interrupted her and I told her that I don't think we should be getting married. 

I told her that I don't want her moving in and that we were going to need to work something else out.

To be perfectly honest, my sister, my brother, and some of my friends have expressed some of the same misgivings about Alice that I've read, although they were generally a lot more gentle about it. I was in love with her. In fact I'm still in love with her, and I wasn't seeing things clearly. 

I told her that I would always and definitely make sure that our child had a roof over her head, but that she was going to have to work something out for herself and her kids on her own. 

Obviously, we had a huge fight. She screamed at me. She called me a heartless bastard. She blamed Stacy for trying to sabotage our relationship. She guilt tripped me about her cost of living and how I'm in an empty house all by myself. She also guilt tripped me about the stress on the baby, and I actually do feel bad and worry about that. 

She eventually broke down crying and told me to leave. 

In the past 10 years, this was the first relationship with a woman I've had that became “serious”. I love her, and this hurts. It hurts a hell of a lot. 

I told Stacy that she didn't have to bother moving her stuff out of the other room, that Alice wasn't coming, and we hugged. She asked if this was her fault, and I told her no. I told her I honestly feel like marrying Alice would have been a mistake even if the two of them could have been best buddies. 

I always wanted to have a few more kids, and I've missed having a wife, but things don't always happen the way we want.

So I'm pretty sure my relationship with Alice is effectively over, even if we're going to be raising a child together for the foreseeable future.

My new daughter can have my son's old room whenever we work out whatever custody agreement we end up working out. I'm not sorry to be having another kid, even if I really wish the circumstances could be better.

The red flags were always there. I guess it's better that I noticed them now instead of even later.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Thanks to for finding this BORU

- 7th June 2024

- 19th June 2024

My (30F) BF (29M) has an odd relationship with soon to be SIL. It’s causing major issues. How do we solve this?

TL;DR - My wonderful BF has an odd soon to be sister in law that, I feel, acts inappropriately towards him and it makes me uncomfortable. We’re trying to figure out how to deal with this in the least dramatic way possible so this doesn’t go on forever.

My BF and I have been together almost 1.5 years. This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He’s a great person and we have no issues, except for his brother’s fiancée. When I first met her, I really wanted for us to be great friends, but that hasn’t been the case.

Literally the first time I met her, she was wearing a romper, came out of the bathroom, specifically went to my BF to zip her up (butt to neck). I thought it was odd but we’d just met so I didn’t trip on it. Before I’d met her, he described her as his “relationship advisor” and that he told her about me and how excited he was about our relationship. But each time I’ve seen her (almost weekly in the 1.5 years), she’s made me uncomfortable. She’ll pull him away to talk one on one. She touches him regularly, has little inside jokes so I just sit there like an idiot, makes silly voices to him, makes weird double entendres jokes to him.

Sometimes she’ll be super nice to me and sometimes she just straight ignores me. I never know which version I’ll get, so I always act super friendly, but it’s exhausting. One of the last times I saw her, she was being friendly, but did take the opportunity to say “You know, before you and XX started dating, we talked every day about all kinds of things. We were best friends. Now we don’t talk as much anymore.”

In the beginning, he seemed oblivious to how inappropriate she acts towards him. I’ve pointed it out several times and gotten to the point where I told him if he doesn’t shut down her weird touching, I’m either walking away or leaving because I’m uncomfortable. Issues with her have literally been our only relationship drama the entire time. We have never fought about anything else. Since making him aware, a lot of times when she starts touching him randomly or trying to pull him away, he’ll resist, go somewhere else, whatever the case may be. But we seem to have an argument after each time we see each other.

Yesterday, she and the brother received an invite from a mutual friend to see some live music. She was mostly fine, friendly etc but she chose the seat beside him (so I had to sit a couple friends away from him) and was wiping his face, touching his face where he missed a spot shaving, weird stuff like that. At one point I just walked away and chatted with mutual friends.

After we left, I expressed to my BF that I feel I can’t talk to him about my concerns with her because he gets so frustrated and says she’s always been that way, they’ve known each other for 5 years, she’ll be his “sister” soon, whatever. He’s doing his best to keep her in check but she does seem to come out of nowhere with her touching, and her snide comments to me that maybe only another woman could understand the rudeness behind. It turned into a loud fight, the likes of which we’ve never had. He’s super apologetic today (he made a hurtful comment in the heat of the moment and I’m sure I did too out of pure frustration with this situation.)

Though I don’t like her, knowing that we’ll both (hopefully) be part of the family soon, I know we need to sort out these issues. How do we go about doing this? I’ve thought about going out for drinks with her and explaining my situation so she can’t play dumb to how she makes me uncomfortable. He thinks he should talk to her solo, but that feels like I can’t handle my own issues and would create more weirdness between the two of us. I absolutely love and want to marry him and really want this to resolve so our relationship can continue to flourish.

ETA - my last relationship before this one was awful, cheated on, verbal and physically abused. I’m incredibly grateful to have the good man I have now. It took me a lot of work to get to where I am emotionally, to be able to trust, control my anger in arguments etc just because of the last one that was so awful and changed my personality. I don’t want to see bits of the old me anymore, but I see little bits when we argue about her and I hate that.

Comments

Cocoasneeze

" She was mostly fine, friendly etc but she chose the seat beside him (so I had to sit a couple friends away from him)"

What did your boyfriend think about that? His SIL sat beside him, flirting with him, and you had to sit further away from him? Why didn't he tell her he'd like to sit next to you?

It seems like your boyfriend is OK with her behaviour, he's not shutting it down. And when you call this inappropriate behaviour out, he fights with you. So he's not planning to shut it down at all. He's fine with the status quo of you just walking away and his brother's wife flirting with him.

As often as you see his brother and his wife, this seems like a huge issue actually.

Absoma

Sounds like he likes the attention doesn't it?

grumpy__g

I am a sister and a SIL.

This is not ok.

And he doesn’t shut her down. He just avoids her.

Don’t talk to her. Embarrass her in front if her partner. Don’t you have a friend who could help with that? As a friend I would ask „Hey OP, is that over there your fiancé (BIL)?“ And then act surprised when you say it’s him (fiancé). „Oh really. With all the touching I thought it’s her.“

What do the family members (BiL and parents) say about it? Have you ever talked to BIL?

Edit: Don’t marry till this is resolved.

OOP: Thank you for your response! Sometimes I get so annoyed with myself like why am I making this an issue? But none of his close friends’ wives or GFs act this way towards him. And I also can’t imagine he’d feel great if I was acting this way towards another guy.

I haven’t talked to the BIL about this. He can be nice, but is very work and himself focused. Honestly I get vibes from her like she feels she picked the wrong brother and regrets it. I’m not trying to shame her or cause more of a scene that I already seem to do when I walk away in a huff (she’s noticed it). But yeah, I agree that he needs to shut her down more than he’s been doing or this will continue.

Update - Massive family blowout with my (30F) BF (29M)‘s family. I was the target. No clue how to proceed. - 5 days later

This is an update from my last post. TL;DR on the last post - my BF’s (maybe) soon to be sister in law has always exhibited inappropriate behavior towards him (super touchy, possessive, raunchy jokes, tries to shut me out). My BF sent her a text saying it made him uncomfortable, requesting she reel it in, and hoping they can continue to have a good relationship. His brother (30M) got involved, screamed at my BF, said hurtful things, very dramatic. That was it for a week.

Now for the updated craziness. Friday Evening I went to a female family gathering. Future SIL was there. She avoided me the entire time. I want nothing more than to get past this and move on, but was sort of following her lead and left her alone. She texted asking if we could talk. I said sure.

She said my BF told his brother I wrote the text (he never said that). She clearly didn’t believe me and kept trying to find ways to prove that I wrote it. That I said no more family gatherings and we don’t want to go to their wedding because I hate her. That I’ll hate any future child they have because it came out of her. I was absolutely shocked because I never said any of this, and I know my BF never said any of these things either. So his brother is making up these cruel lies for some unknown reason?? She said how awful their family is and all she wanted was to make me feel included and now I’ve stabbed her in the back. She demanded an apology. I refused and told her to have a good night and left.

Sunday, we go to the parents house for dinner. All of us were there. Things were fairly standoffish. At one point I was inside with future SIL and the dad, making light small talk. Their mom grabs me and future SIL to speak in a back room. She’s a few drinks in, gets all teary eyed that her boys are in turmoil. Basically saying I’m the root of all the issues so I need to get over it because she’s not having her family torn apart. My BF loves both of us equally (hah!) and I need to deal with that because they’ve known each other (5 years) far longer than we’ve been together (1.5years). I can’t come in and try to dissolve all female relationships in his life. She left and future SIL and I were talking calmly and I was expressing there clearly was miscommunication between the boys that seems to be ramping this up. She agreed.

Then we hear screaming from the living room, glass breaking, so we go out there and that’s when all the real drama started. The brother kept pointing at me with like a legit murderous look in his eyes, calling me a manipulative B and a psychotic bully, all kinds of things. It was a screaming match everyone telling each other to fuck off and his mom is like “well you started all of this and now you have nothing to say? Defend yourself” His brother is like “she’s playing a game. She manipulated my brother away from the family so she’s sitting there all pleased with herself, the Fing dumb B.”

The mom was trying and failing to moderate this because the brother kept screaming. He was telling her to go F herself, saying any awful thing he could think of about me. He came incredibly close to my face (idk if he wanted to hit me or intimidate me), my BF pushed him away and yelled at him. The brother kept making these moves like he was going to run at me, future SIL kept holding him back or telling him to take a walk he was furious. Their mom kept saying I need to grow up and deal with my insecurities, kept saying that over and over. At one point I asked her to stop calling me insecure and she said it was the first time I’d defended myself and now she respects me a little bit because I stood up for myself.

This went on for 2 hours and because I don’t deal with issues by screaming and name calling, I was frozen. My BF was saying a lot to try to defend me, that they were his concerns and didn’t come out of thin air, which riled everyone up more. It was absolute chaotic madness that I’ve never been a part of before.

At the end, their mom tried to laugh off the entire thing. I was in total shock because I’ve tried so hard to be kind and respectful to the fam and always had a great relationship especially with their mom, so I was taken aback. My BF spoke to his mom the next day, cancelled all future plans with the fam, saying I was attacked, it was uncalled for, he was furious. His brother has legit issues and the mom makes excuse after excuse for his absolutely terrifying behavior.

I seriously don’t feel comfortable even being near his brother again. He sounds so close to really losing it and I’m actually concerned for my safety at this point. I thank god my BF has the complete opposite personality. But I have no clue how to move forward from this. As much as I’d never want to see the brother again, I know that’s not possible. I’d be willing to speak to him if he could act more normal and calm but I don’t even know if he’s capable of that. Help

Comments

WinterFront1431

Sounds like brother is projecting here. Maybe he too thought she was highly inappropriate with your bf, and now it's been brought to light, he has to face his feelings and is taking it out on the wrong people.

Also bf mom sounds like a fucking idiot.

Doesn't matter if she has known him for 30 years. She was incredibly inappropriate. End of discussion. You're his partner. Doesn't make you insecure because you have boundaries and don't think it's appropriate for someone to act like your partners gf.

The only way forward is for him to go complete no contact with his family.

OOP: Thank you! That’s how I feel too; there are sibling relationships and romantic and the lines should not blur. The fact that everyone is blind to it and making me feel like I’m crazy is unsettling. Unfortunate timing, today is my bday. His mom dropped off a card and present for me. No interest in the present (almost feels like an attempt to buy me off so to speak) but I opened the card out of curiosity. “We hope to have better memories with you in the future.” This is after spending nearly every weekend and holiday at their home, missing out on time with my own family, doing my best to forge the best relationship possible I can with his parents. What a kick in the nuts.

abbyroade

There is no way forward unless your boyfriend goes NC with his family. His brother is dangerous and mom has shown she will enable and excuse him when push comes to shove. If boyfriend will not cut them off, you need to leave this relationship for your own safety.

ETA: I just reread your first and this post. The way the family attacked you for things you never said is scary - where did that come from? Someone must be making something up. Also, the fact that mom has the awareness to say to you she respects you because you stood up for yourself for the first time shows she’s manipulative and doesn’t care to change it. This family clearly thinks it’s okay to handle disagreements by yelling and threatening - so again, unless your boyfriend sets strict boundaries and enforces them, there’s likely no way forward.

OOP: The enabling is kind of insane! He showed me the text conversation with her where he repeatedly said there’s something wrong with his brother, he’s always acted this way, but it seems like it’s coming to a head and he needs help before something serious happens. My BF said if he said a quarter of the things the brother said to me, his brother would physically try to attack him. Brother is in a professional medically adjacent field so very risky for him to act so unhinged with his license on the line. The mom was like “he was just defending the woman he loves. He always feels strongly. Oh, you’d never say those things to (future SIL), you loveee her! Everyone needs to simmer down and give sincere apologies to each other.” If my son talked to a woman like that, he’d be backhanded into next week. She’s an old school country girl so it shocks me that she allows this and excuses it!

When all the yelling was happening, it became apparent that both future SIL and brother had lied to each other about a lot of the details (probably a mix of them both contributing to the lies about what I allegedly said or did), which looking back on it now is almost laughable.

I’ve gotten very close with the rest of the family over the course of our relationship including a handful of female cousins (guess I didn’t try to dissolve those relationships), who basically acknowledged brother has always been a massive issue, the rest of the family avoids the couple because they’re rude, mean, he’s condescending towards women, etc.

symolan

Is drama a tradition in that family? Cause it sounds like it. (because in non-drama families nobody is screaming for 2 hours)

OOP: Yes, it’s common for them. I’ve seen the brother cuss out the mom and get this crazy before, and the next time I see them, they’re fine. I’ve just never been in the line of fire personally so it was pretty shocking for me.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

So is a lot of stuff. You sure you want to pull on this thread? In fact I’d say your theory has the opposite effect… we don’t eat our babies or kill the children of a new partner to ensure our DNA survives. Acting like animals is maybe not the best we should hope for.

I think you may have forgotten, but in reality here most people who argue against others having the freedom to live how they want to, do so by claiming that certain lifestyles are "unnatural". This article is about how that argument doesn't really make sense when you accept that homosexuality occurs frequently in nature. Is there somewhere you saw a moral claim being made?

It's weird to try and normalize certain human activities and disregard any others that would be inconvenient. We also observe rape and infanticide but I don't see that being normalized.

Because majority of the population is heterosexual and that is the most common sexual pairing form. Also, outside of STDs, what exactly is the crucial scientific component that can be gained from studying homosexual relationships over and over? Then comes the fact that any unflattering facts about those two minority pairs is always met with resistance. The science has to conform to a specific crowd's moral sensibilities and this is something multiple institutions have stated.

Flair material: “I'm just saying if you're mounting a dude to dominate him it sounds pretty gay” “Great, now Biology is going Woke.” “They're just roommates!”

The whole post

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous +

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

[New Update]: I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, past abuse, mention of abortion, deadbeat father, coercion, manipulation, harassment

RECAP

: January 28, 2024

I (F, 26) had an affair with a married man (M, 42) a few years ago. I had no clue he was married when we first met and hooked up. I obviously looked him up on social media and while he did have photos of his kids on there, there was absolutely no mention or photos of a wife at all. I found out that he was married about a month after we first got together, but he told me it was just a marriage on paper and that they basically lived separate lives and agreed to remain married for practical purposes until the kids were older. They owned a business, which she really ran and he was just financially involved in.

I knew at the time that I probably shouldn’t believe him, but I convinced myself it was true. I was in my early 20s and so attracted to him and I guess almost infatuated with him. He made me feel so good. I know now that I should have ended it immediately, but I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I was addicted to all of the attention he gave me, the great sex, the places he’d take me. I felt special. I was so naive.

I got pregnant about a year into seeing him. I had always been so careful with preventing pregnancy, but during my relationship with him I took stupid risks. I was so high in lust with this guy, it’s embarrassing. The things he’d asked me to do…I’d say yes to almost anything, even when I knew it was a bad idea.

I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I hadn’t intentionally wanted to get pregnant. I would of course dream about being his wife and having a family but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility while he had this arrangement with his actual wife. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose with any intention of him leaving her for me, even if I wished that we could be a real, normal couple. I was surprised by how excited I was to be pregnant with his baby. I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. The thought of carrying this baby of the man I loved was so special to me, but I knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same.

I told him I was pregnant and he told me I couldn’t keep the baby. I expected his reaction, but I was devastated and it hurt me to my core that he didn’t feel the same way I did. He offered to pay, to make a whole weekend of it somewhere exciting (wtf?) and to buy me something special if I’d just please get rid of the baby. He explained that he didn’t want any more kids and that he couldn’t openly be a father to another kid when he and his wife were still pretending to be happily married to the outside world.

I agreed to do what he wanted and we made plans for him to pick me up and find somewhere out of town to go get it done. I was all packed the night he was going to pick me up, but I started to feel really scared and really unsafe about the whole thing. I took my bag and checked myself into a hotel to hide because I couldn’t go with him. I texted him to say I promised to never contact him again and to never name him as the father or go after child support if he’d promise to leave me alone.

At first he tried to sweet talk me into doing what he wanted. When I didn’t cave in, he said some very nasty things to me and that I essentially better never contact him again or show up at his door.

I have a 2 year old now. At times, it’s been difficult, but overall we are thriving as best we can. I have kept my word about not naming his as the father or requesting child support.

His wife contacted me on social media. Well, she’s his ex-wife now. She wants to talk to me. She found out about me and told me that she divorced him 6 months ago. She wants her children to know their sibling and for my child to know his siblings. That’s weird to me.

I haven’t responded back to her yet. I am unsure about how to approach this. How to I respond to this? I wonder if I’m being selfish by not exploring an option for my child to know his siblings, if she’s being genuine about that. If I was married and my husband fathered a child outside of our marriage I don’t think I’d feel the same that she does.

Relevant Comments

I didn’t know he was married when we first got together. I acknowledged that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out he was married. I allowed myself to believe what he told me, which made it seem not so bad - like this was some sort of agreement he and his wife had. Emotionally, I was already hooked. I’m not making excuses.

I wouldn’t say I was “happy” to bring a baby into this situation. There was a huge mix of emotions. I felt like I was in love with him, so there was a part of me that was excited at first. That feeling soon died, but I felt that I loved my baby still. I tried to do the best thing that I could, which was to remove myself from his life and his family’s life. I just wanted to be able to keep my baby and love my baby. I did not get pregnant on purpose. I wasn’t on birth control. I had been on birth control when I was slightly younger and had a life threatening health complications as a result. He knew I wasn’t on birth control. He loved unprotected sex. I was stupid and I agreed to do it. I would do almost anything he asked sexually. I tried to track my cycle and would tell him when it was probably not a safe time to do it.

His wife isn’t really what I’m afraid of. Whatever she’d want to say to me is probably deserved anyway, and more.

He found out about the pregnancy before I “ghosted” him. And upon finding out I was pregnant with his child, there was absolutely no real discussion about what we were going to do. We were going to do what he wanted to do and he had it all planned out. He threatened me, by text and by phone calls and voicemails, when I told him I was not going to go with him on this abortion vacation he had planned. I begged him to please not force me to do that and he turned mean. I offered to never contact him again if he’d just let me go. After threatening me again, about what he’d do if I didn’t keep my word, he agreed. He has kept his side of the bargain and has never contacted me.

I’ve been assuming that she found out about me in her own, maybe saw something on his phone or computer and has probably known for a while before reaching out to me (if it’s actually her).

I get what some people are saying about siblings and such, but that man is not my child’s dad. He is the dad of his older kids but he’s not the dad of my kid. I’m still young and I hope to have more children one day, and those children would be my son’s siblings. I hope to find a man who loves me and my son and with whom I can have a legitimate relationship. I haven’t been with another man since I ended things with this guy. I actually just went on 2 dates for the first time very recently. I’m not desperate to find a man right now, but I hope to find real love one day.

Those people are not my son’s family. He’s 2 and they’re old enough to drive. So, I do t think they’re missing out on any sort of important relationship right now. I understand wanting to know your bio family, and I feel he can decide that later on when he’s old enough to have a day. Depending on where we are at in our lives at the time, he might not feel a need to know those people.

I don’t plan to lie to my son about his conception, but I don’t think we need to involve ourselves with the man’s ex-wife and teenage children at this time.

: February 18, 2024

I made a post 3 weeks ago and things have only gotten stranger. I had an affair with a married man a few years ago. I regret it and I will never do anything like that ever again. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning, but he captivated me. I was naive. I allowed myself to believe when he told me they were pretty much just married on paper for the sake of their kids. I got pregnant and while he tried to talk me into getting an abortion I ultimately decided to keep the baby. I have a 2 year old little boy now. I promised this man that I wouldn’t expose our affair and I wouldn’t formally identify him as the father or request child support. I did that because he was becoming very nasty about the whole thing and I felt like due to the mess that I had created and the way I felt by the end of it, a clean break with no involvement with him would be the best thing for everyone. I moved back to where my family is, hundreds of miles from where he and his family live.

About a month ago his ex-wife reached out to me via social media, claiming they had been divorced for 6 months and that she wanted our children to be able to know each other. Now, their kids are teenagers, so I didn’t really think they’d want anything to do with the toddler and the woman their father was having an affair with. It seemed odd to me. After posting here, I sort of decided that I wouldn’t respond to her. I’d just ignore it. She just sent me the one message, so it wasn’t as if she was badgering me about talking to me or meeting me.

On Friday night I decided to message her. I don’t really know why. I think it was really just for my sake so I could have the chance to apologize to her. I told her that I would be more comfortable speaking with her face to face since I couldn’t trust that it was really her. She said she understood. I was too nervous to meet her in person, but we did a video chat. I didn’t know what to expect, if this was all a ploy just to unleash her fury on me or what. I mean, I’d deserve that. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.

It was really her. She told me she discovered our affair when she found communications between the two of us, after our relationship had ended. She told me I’m one of many women he had affairs with over the years and she knew about somebody even before he met me, but she didn’t divorce him at the time. Finding out about my child was the final straw for her. I told her I was sorry for my relationship with her husband and admitted that I knew he was married. She graciously told me she forgives me and that while she harbored a lot of anger towards me initially, she ultimately blames her husband. I’m not blameless, but she chooses to not hate me, essentially. She said she couldn’t have said this 6 months ago or a year ago when she first found out about me, but she has moved past that. She still has anger toward him, in addition to many other emotions surrounding him. She started pouring out her heart to me about their 20+ year marriage and life together and it was very awkward because what do I even say?

Her kids know about me and my son. She says they’re very mad at their father. Somehow I don’t think they’re mad about the fact that he’s not involved with my son’s life. And why would they be mad about that? I would hate me if I were them.

I told her with my son being so little right now, I don’t really feel comfortable with him meeting her kids or being involved with their family. I feel unsure about it and it’s just not something I feel needs to happen right now.

Then she told me her ex husband was in a bad accident 2 months ago. He’s fine now, still not allowed to return to all his normal activities just yet, but will be fine. He is probably the most physically active person I’ve ever met, barely ever seems to sit down, so he must be terribly annoying to be around if he’s not allowed to go go go all the time. She told me he wants to meet my son. Apparently she moved back in with him temporarily when he first came home from the hospital. She said the accident really shook him up and he has been expressing a lot of regret about my son, not being involved, not providing for him.

So now it’s like was everything she said just a lie and he somehow got her to reach out to me on his behalf? And she actually did it? It felt almost like a relief talking to her initially, but then it’s like was any of that true or you were just trying to be his messenger? I don’t even know if that part is true now. Why wouldn’t he just contact me himself?

I’m just feeling so uneasy about the whole thing now.

Relevant Comments

I don’t believe I HAVE to involve his teenage children in my son’s life. Maybe when my son is old enough to decide if he wants that.

He is not named on the birth certificate and I do not receive child support from him. I have asked nothing of him, except to let me move away and not try to force me to have an abortion. I basically had to promise him to not contact him, not make him as the father, not request child support.

If he truly wants involvement with my son he can reach out to my directly and he can take the legal route to establish himself as our son’s father.

He did not legally sever his rights. He never established rights in the first place. He has no rights until he goes to court and establishes himself as the father. He is welcome to do that.

Honestly, I wish my son did have a father who was involved in his life and loved him. Yes, this guy has faults, but he has plenty of positive qualities. He is really involved with his older children. I met them many times because they’d be at work with him or he’d have to drop by the office in his way to take them somewhere. He was always doing things with them. They seemed like good kids who really loved their dad. I wish my son could have that experience too. I didn’t think it was an option based on how he behaved when I was pregnant. He wasn’t interested and wanted me and our baby to go away. That’s what I did. And I accepted it.

He is not legally my son’s father at this time. This means that currently he has no legal parental rights or responsibilities regarding my son. I cannot stop him from taking the legal steps to establish paternity if he wishes to do so.

He will always be my son’s biological father. I can’t change that fact. Regardless of whether or not he ever legally establishes paternity, my son will likely be curious about his biological father and who knows, maybe they will establish a relationship one day regardless of legal paternity.

There is no way to say if I will meet a man who may want to adopt my son one day, thus becoming his legal father. It’s something that I think would be nice, but nothing that I’m “intent” on doing. By choice, I’ve only been one 2 dates since my son was born and that was only within the year 2024. I realize that it will not be as simple as signing a piece of paper.

: April 30, 2024 (2 months later)

I posted about this few months ago.

To summarize very quickly, when I was fresh out of college I had an affair with a married man and father. I became pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion. He had arranged to “take me away” in a “vacation” to get an abortion. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do but I agreed to go along with what we wanted. At the last minute, when he was on his way to come pick me up, I told him I couldn’t go through with the abortion. I just really didn’t feel comfortable about his plan and how he was orchestrating everything. It scared me. I realized at that time how deep I had gone with this mistake, how screwed up the whole relationship was.

He was really mad. He threatened me, said a lot of nasty things to me. I told him if he just left me alone and let me have my baby then I’d leave him alone and wouldn’t name him as the father or seek child support. I moved back home (I was living in a different state when I met him). I kept my word and I did t it name him as the father or seek to establish paternity. I have never sought child support. My child is 2 now.

A few months ago his wife contacted me via social media. At first she made it seem like she wanted my child to have the opportunity to know his siblings. It was sort of weird since the siblings are teenagers. She said she had divorced him 6 months prior.

I agreed to talk to her virtually, not in person. I felt that I owed it to her to apologize for what I had done. I do feel bad about it. But at the end of the conversation I told her that I didn’t feel it was the appropriate time to connect my son with her kids. He’s a toddler and their teens, plus I had promised her husband to stay out of his life. That’s when she told me that he was recently in a bad accident and she had been helping to take care of him. Supposedly he was going to be fine and was fairly recovered at that point, but she said he had expressed interest to meet our child. So she was basically his messenger.

I have not been in contact with her since then. I deleted my social media. I don’t know why, but the whole thing just really made me uncomfortable.

Since I last posted here….

Then, I received a handwritten letter from him. In it, he expressed how he wanted to get to know our son, he wants to be a father to our son, he wants to provide financially for him, he’d like us to come visit him. He asked me to sign a paternity affidavit. I refused to do so. I know he is my son’s father but I’m not going to make this that easy for him. After the things he said to me and threatened me with, he at least has to work for this.

At that point, my parents felt that we needed to meet with a lawyer. All communication from me has gone through a lawyer. I have never responded to him personally/directly.

Now, I have a court order for paternity. I have to present my son to have a specimen taken tomorrow. I already know what it’s going to say.

It’s not that I don’t want my son to have a dad in his life. It’s just…the whole situation is a mess. And he lives a few states away from me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t really do anything. He’s doing things legally. Next, I’m sure he’ll petition for some form of custody or visitation. He’s not married anymore, supposedly, but he’s a lot more established than I am. He has considerably more financial resources. I also know he has all sorts of connections where he lives. Luckily they don’t hold as much weight here in my state but it’s still so scary to me.

I’m a bad mom. I brought my son into this world knowing it was a messy situation. I just got so comfortable with it just being the 2 of us and now I don’t want to give that up.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if the father would be moving closer to her and her son now that he’s divorced from his ex-wife

OOP: To touch on just a few things…

I don’t think he’ll move away from where he lives. He has way too much established there.

He’s in his early 40s. I don’t know how this supposed accident (if that even really happened) has affected him, but he was incredibly physically active when I knew him. He only slept like 4 hours a night, took a 20 minute power nap daily, and rarely ever sat down. He was also HIGHLY involved in his children’s lives. I’d even say overprotective, like a helicopter dad instead of the typical helicopter mom.

Careless_Welder_4048: How did he have time to cheat?

OOP: He only slept a few hours a night and moved at about a million miles a minute. Everyone joked about it. Somehow he always had time to get up at 5 am, go surfing, do some work, take his kids to school, do some work, take his Power Nap, get coffee, pick his kids up after school and take them wakeboarding or some other sort of thing like that, do some more work, be at his kid’s basketball game, and so on and so forth. He literally never ever stopped.

I was just another thing to help fill out his calendar to prevent him from getting bored.

OOP on the father’s relationship with his ex-wife and their children

OOP: I also don’t think he and his wife had much of a relationship, although it wasn’t quite as he described it to me. They lived in the same house but I believe they lived pretty separate lives. He bought her a business to give her something to do and keep her busy. She was there most of the time. They didn’t even go to their kids activities together. He was always the one going. So I think that freed up time too. I don’t think they liked being around each other so she was happy to have him out of the house. She admitted to me that I wasn’t the first affair he had and she knew about most of the time we were together.

----NEW UPDATE----

: June 15, 2024 (2 months later)

I won’t rehash the whole thing here. My previous posts are on my profile. I got pregnant from an affair with a married guy. He wanted me to have an abortion. I decided I didn’t want one. He turned mean, I promised to not name him as the father, legally, or to pursue any sort of child support. I moved away from where he and his family were located. I’m about 12 hours away from him now, back where my family is from. I haven’t reached out to him in the now over 3 years since.

His ex-wife reached out to me out of the blue via social media, initially claiming she wanted to connect with me so that our kids could know each other. When I politely declined for the time being, as her kids are teenagers and my son is a toddler and we live states apart, she revealed she was really reaching out in behalf of her ex-husband who had supposedly had a change of heart about being involved in our child’s life after nearly dying in an accident. I did not engage with her any further after that. It all made me feel very uncomfortable.

Later, I received a letter from him in the mail. He asked to be involved with our son, to provide for him, etc. It still felt weird. I mean he turned really mean and didn’t want anything to do with me or our baby and hadn’t made any attempt to contact me in years (and I was not hiding - his wife was obviously able to find me on social media and you can find my address online).

I felt like if he was serious, he’d take the steps to establish paternity legally. And that’s what he did. Around 1.5 months ago we were ordered to submit DNA samples for a paternity test. It took around 5 weeks to find out what I already knew it’d say. But now things are stalled for another several weeks for the next step in the court process.

I haven’t talked to him at all during this whole thing. I didn’t respond directly to his letter. I do have a lawyer and everything is basically going through him now.

Then without any warning, he just showed up at my home last weekend. Just knocked on the door like it was nothing. Basically, this is his son and he doesn’t want to wait another 6 weeks for the court to inevitably order us into some sort of custody mediation anyway…his words. Why can’t I just talk to him? I told him he made me uncomfortable and him just showing up at my house really made me uncomfortable. Honestly, I don’t know what made me so uncomfortable. The fact that he showed up unannounced like that or the fact that I instantly felt the same attraction to him that I had when I was with him and I didn’t want to feel that at all. In some weird way part of me felt happy to see him and then another part of me was disgusted that I was happy.

He said he doesn’t understand why we can’t just talk about this. He’s not trying to take my son away from me; he just wants to be involved in his life and to help provide for him like he should have been all along. He’s sorry he wasn’t there when he was born. He’s sorry he reacted the way that he did when I didn’t go along with his plans to take me on an abortion vacation. Why can’t I believe that he just wants to be a dad to his kid?

I guess I agree with him. Why can’t I just accept that he has had a change of heart? I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust my own judgment. I feel like if I easily let him into my son’s life I’m going to end up regretting it and be made a fool of somehow. I’ve already made so many mistakes when it comes to him.

He says it’s stupid of me to not try to work it out amongst ourselves first. I’m giving so much control to the court. I don’t know whether to believe that or to think it’s just his way of convincing me to do what he wants.

I know he will get some sort of visitation and eventual custody. Maybe it would be better if we try to come to an agreement, but he had the ability to sway me so easily. I’m so stupid when it comes to him. Nobody else has ever made me feel so foolish in my life.

I want my son to have a dad. I admit it’s probably selfish of me to want to keep him away. I just keep imagining having to spend weeks or months apart from my child while he’s living with his dad 12 hours away and I can’t stand the thought of it.

I’m just feeling sad, stupid, and defeated.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if the father is actually divorced from his wife

OOP: I checked the county records and they did actually get divorced.

Mammoth_Might8171: At this point, u need to trust your lawyer (hopefully he is a good one). Make sure that your lawyer has all the facts, including how poorly he treated u when he found out u were pregnant. Do not communicate anymore with your ex, especially since u know that u are incapable of making good decisions when he is involved. U may need to prepare yourself mentally that your ex is eventually going to play a role in your kid’s life (as much as that suck). Hopefully u can go after him for back-child support

OOP: My lawyer has any and all information that I possibly had to share.

I am already preparing myself that he will likely have a role in my child’s life. I mean, the change will be difficult for me and I honestly don’t want anything to change. But I’m trying to focus on any shred of positive outcome this could have for my son. He deserves a dad. I wish it wasn’t in this situation. I wish I had given him two loving parents in a stable relationship, the ideal. I wish I had at least given him a father who didn’t live states away. I feel bad that my son has two lying cheaters for parents. I truly do feel so embarrassed about our behavior in a new way I did before, ever since my son was born. Other than that whole thing and the fact that he’s apparently had affairs with multiple women according to his ex-wife, he actually seems like a good dad to his teenage kids. He was always very involved with them. I guess I’m just trying to cling to whatever positive things I can think of. He can also provide a lot more financially than I currently can. Thats scary for me because I’m already turning it into some sort of competition between us in my head. Several points for him, none for me. + My son is also very shy. He doesn’t do well if me or one of my parents isn’t there with him. I’m just now getting him involved in more activities with other kids and safe, trusted adults, but he still just clings to me. My heart breaks when I think of him meeting a strange man he doesn’t know and me not being there. I want to be there. + I think that’s how things normally go for him and to be perfectly honest that’s how I used to be for him to. Just go along with what he wants. He was obviously expecting me to when he showed up in person. He genuinely seemed surprised I didn’t cave in to his requests right on the spot. The previous version of me probably would have.

OOP on how the father managed to find her address

OOP: He sent me a letter in the mail previously. I Googled myself and my address comes up easily. Admittedly, I made no effort to hide myself after moving away. I didn’t think I needed to. He had no interest in being involved with our baby and I promised to never contact him again, so I thought that was the end of it.

His ex-wife told me he was in a bad accident when I talked to her. It’s not too surprising based on his hobbies. He lives at like 200 miles per minute. According to her, she had to move back into their house to take care of him while he recovered. When he showed up here, he didn’t look like somebody who had been in a life threatening accident not too terribly long ago. He told me he’s fully recovered and although he’ll probably have back issues the rest of his life he’s perfectly fine.

OOP on having a visitation plan with the father for her son

OOP: My lawyer says that other than creating a graduated visitation plan based on the fact that my son doesn’t know this man, the fact that he hasn’t been involved in his child’s life for the last 3 years won’t mean much to the court. Their ultimate goal is for a child to have 2 parents. I screwed myself over by not naming him as the father at birth or trying to establish paternity in any way. Had I done that and he fought it, neglected to pay court ordered child support, etc., then we could have a better case as far as abandonment goes. He is putting in the effort to establish paternity now, is willing to pay child support (so he says), and is presumably going to tell the court he wants to see his kid and this is going to reflect positively for him, despite not being involved for 3 years.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Trigger Warning: child abandonment

Mood Spoiler: OOP will be ok

Original : June 14, 2024

There's a lot to put here but I'm gonna explain things as best as I can. Me and my sperm donor have a very strained relationship. From the stories my mother told me, he used to do drugs a lot before and after I was born. She told me that while she was pregnant with me, he never once helped her do anything. He took her money, made her cook and clean and treated her like shit. He even allowed his friends and family to treat her like shit. After I was born, he got worse until he just took everything (his stuff and all of the money. He left my mom $38 to use to take care of me) and left. My mom told me that when he left, he looked at her and then me and said "she'll be alright" then ran off down the road like a fucking drifter.

There were a few times he came into my life trying to be involved but they were all big let downs. Nothing to sing home about. So, fastforward to yesterday, I get a message from him on FB Messenger with him saying "I love you". I was confused and basically just asked really blunt questions of what he wanted. He told me he wanted a father-daughter relationship and that, "when I'm ready. Let him know"

I will admit reddit, I saw red and the 31 years of built up anger, rage, and sadness exploded like a damn. I. Went. Off. I told him he was a terrible father and that he walks around caring about other people's kids and preaching about how God wants us to do this and that but he could never follow those teachings and do right by me. He ignored every single attempt I made to get him to recognize that he didn't do right by me. He flipped everything around to make it seem like he's the victim. He even had the nerve to shame my mother for choosing me instead of him! I was a newborn. I needed her but all he cares about is himself. I left him a long message pointing out his faults and how he needs to better himself then called it a night.

About two days later, he messages me while I was playing Fallout 76 with my friends and tells me to "grow up" "and that I don't know anything about him" (yeah no shit. You left me dumbass) he then throws in a curve ball by telling me he has cancer and that if I don't want a relationship with him then it's basically my loss and he'll pray for me.

Now, I will admit I may be an asshole on how I went off on him but I feel like my feelings are warranted. His side of the family doesn't care about me. His mother preaches God to me every time she calls me on my birthday and pressures me to have children because I have yet to give her grandbabies. I'm not against having children but I'm enjoying life before I focus on carrying for a little human. His sister used to make fun of me and call me a football player as a baby because I was a chubby baby. (Ironic since her daughters look like pit bulls) They don't even try to get to know me. The only time I matter is my birthday and that's if they care enough.

So people of reddit, am I the asshole for going off on my dad?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: What kind of a fucking asshole abandons their kids? NTA.

OOP: Apparently the ones who get pouty because they aren't the center of attention and get jealous when their baby mama has to focus on a newborn instead of them.

Commenter: My guess: He doesn’t have cancer (or if he does, it’s a highly treatable kind). If he were terminally ill, he would have led with that. 

OOP: That's what I said! He waited until I was angry and raging like a bull in a china shop to throw out "I have cancer but I try to keep it to myself" I honestly don't believe he has it but hey, if he does may God be with you

OOP clarifies:

To add some added context, my sperm donor is a habitual liar so I'm not 100% sure he has cancer but I'm not a cruel person so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but I still believe my feelings are warranted.

Commenter: Did you feel better for telling your sperm donor how you felt? If yes then that’s something, but hopefully the response he gave has made you see that this is why people say to ignore any reach out they try because they will always turn it around and make it about them and make you feel like crap.

OOP: I did feel better after telling him and then I cried out of frustration. I cried even harder because of what my mom went through. I hugged her and I thanked her for being there for me and not abandoning me.

Commenter: “Honor Thy father” is not a request, but neither is it an absolute dictate. This is one such exception. Your ‘father’ is merely trying to make amends as a hedge against divine judgment. He is trying to gain a brownie point or a mitigating defense argument. However, what he should’ve done is called you and been honest for once. Your forgiveness should not be the goal; his genuine remorse should be.

I feel sorry for such people who think that a lifetime of neglect can be erased by you or ignored by God

OOP: I agree. I grew up christian and I never liked or understood why people did things like that. It doesn't erase what they did until they have accepted their faults and made amends with those they have hurt and with God. I'm not a bible thumper. I just hate how people like my sperm donor look for the easy way to get a ticket to heaven

Commenter: Truthfully, if I were in your position and he came at me with that cancer shit, my exact reaction would've been, "good. I hope it's a painful and drawn out process ending in your death. You deserve nothing less."

But that's me. I believe people should get what they deserve.

OOP: Its definitely his loss. I had a feeling he was gonna do the guilt tripping maneuver but the little girl in me was hopeful.

Mom could be lying or skewing the truth- are you sure she's telling the truth?

OOP: She did. I confirmed her stories with her twin sister because her sister witnessed most of what he did. He also confirmed things which added more to what my mom told me he would do/did. One thing my mom would say when I would ask about him.

"I will never turn you against your father. I don't need too. You will see with time how full of shit he is." And as I grew up her words were always true

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): June 15, 2024 (Next Day)

I originally posted this in the comments because I'm new to this so I apologize. First off, thank you to everyone who left a comment and to those who are finding this story and are still leaving comments. My heart goes out to those who share the same experience I am going through with my sperm donor. I wish you nothing but positivity and happiness in your futures. And the advice you gave me I am very thankful for it. You've given me the steps I needed to block the toxicity out of my life for the future and now. I thank you all.

Now for the update, Me and my mom read some of your comments and she thoroughly enjoyed your thoughts on her ex.

This update is small but it sheds some more light on my sperm donor. He messaged me a little after I posted this. I guess he felt I was talking shit about him heh.

So I asked my mom more about my sperm donor and she told me that him lying, gaslighting, manipulating, and playing victim is his whole MO. She said he did it a lot before she had me. One story she told me was how when she was pregnant with me, she had to walk two miles from home to the grocery store then back while carrying all the groceries. I was shocked because I thought he would at least help her but she told me he always sat on his ass watching TV and didn't do anything to help. She then told me how after she was busy taking care of the house, bills, chores, and dinner, he expected her to "give him some"

I looked at my mom and legit said "mom, I love you, but you could have fucked someone better" she just laughed and agreed with me. We spent the day just talking and bonding. The last story she told me of him is how he put me in danger. She told me that she had left me with him because she had to work and handle some errands. Well, this POS took me with him to a crack house and just left me in a room with some random female while he went and got high. We were there for hours. When she hadn't heard from him, she, my aunt, and my grandma (her mother) went looking for us and they somehow by chance found us. She saw me in the arms of a crack head woman who took care of me while he was high off of his ass. She was furious. After that, she never trusted me around him ever again. After hearing this story, I'm feeling so many emotions but it has cemented my dislike of him and i most definitely am going infinite NC.

I have him blocked on FB and will have him blocked on my phone PERMANENTLY. I do have siblings or I guess half siblings. We have different mothers but we all share his genes. I don't have a good relationship with them and they all act equally childish and entitled but that's a story for another day. I don't know if he's told them about his "issue" but I'm going to assume he has since he was pretty comfortable messaging me like he didn't abandon me. Whatever makes them happy I guess. Not my boat to ride on.

They haven't messaged me which I'm grateful for I'm too tired to deal with their childishness. I did however get a message from some woman who I later found out is his wife. I guess she felt like she had the right to talk down to me like she's my mother. I just sent her the middle finger, called her a bunch of names (my favorite is "ugly chewbacca looking head ass. Stay in your lane. You're not an upgrade you're the downgrade he settled for") then blocked her.

I then got emails from FB telling me i got messages from him but I ignore them. I'm tired of dealing with this man child's games so I'm choosing to move on. As for his side of the family I'm going NC. I get a strong feeling that if I ever met his side of the family I would probably go through abuse, name calling, and what I like to call third child/black sheep syndrome and I'm not up for that. I have my wonderful mother and to her, I'm her number one. All I need is her. I'm sorry if it's not a decent update. A lot is going on and I'm mentally tired from everything. If anything else happens I will update. Thank you all again and God bless you all and have a wonderful day/weekend

I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: &

AITAH for telling my parents to keep all the money they stole from me while I was in university and shove it up their ass.

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: financial exploitation, manipulation

Apr 25, 2024

I got a job while I was in high school. It was with a friend of my father. I put away most of it and just bought myself some stuff I wanted but my parents wouldn't buy for me. My parents aren't rich but they do well enough. They wanted me to appreciate that material goods were paid for with my time. I didn't mind. I bought myself a PS4 and some games.

Which they made me share with my younger brother and sister. Once again I didn't mind. I mostly played while they did homework or slept. When I graduated from high school they said I had to start paying rent. That sucked because I was going to university in the fall and I was hoping to save up over the summer so I could work less during the school year. So I worked my ass off in school and at work. I ended up getting a job loading delivery trucks before school.

And that sucked because I went to sleep at 7 pm most nights so I could get up early and go to work. I am about to graduate and I found a job in another province. I have already started doing my onboarding and online training. I will go from graduation to loading my car to leave. My parents had a graduation party for me where they tried to present me with a cheque for all the rent I paid plus a pittance in interest. I looked at the cheque for about a minute and I started laughing. All I could think of was the fact that I had no social life during university.

Because I was working. I didn't have any money in investments like my friends did. Because they were taking my money. I asked them how they were doing this for my sister. They said they weren't since she wasn't working while she went to school. I tire up the cheque and told them to shove it up their asses. I told them that when they compensated me for all the sleep I lost, four years of no social life during university and four summer vacations, I would speak to them again. I told my little brother not to get a job or they would fuck him over too. I went to my room, grabbed my computer, some clothes, my PS4, and my toiletries.

My brother and sister can play on the PS5 my parents bought the family. They were yelling at me the whole time. I said if they touched me or tried to stop me I would call the cops. I loaded up my car, that I paid for, I insure, and is registered to me. I drove to my friend's parent's house and had a bit of a breakdown. They let me stay there since she is away at university in another city. I blocked my parents and my brother and sister. I had already given notice at my job so I called my boss and told him I was sick and would not be available for my last week.

He said he understood and laughed. He said he was surprised I had kept working this close to graduation. My grandfather called me to talk a couple of days later. We went to Timmies and he let me unload everything I felt. They took money from me that I could have used to make my life better. I didn't even have time for a girlfriend. My entire university romantic life was hooking up with a woman I work with when her ex husband had the kids for the weekend.

He said my parent's hearts were in the right place and that they thought they were helping me. I said they owed me four years of fun. Of parties I was too tired to go to. Of social events and networking I didn't do. All the shit they were subsidizing for my sister. And that they would end up subsidizing for my brother. He said he understood and hugged me.

He is old but I couldn't have gotten free of that hug if I tried. He asked me if I needed money to start my new job. I said I did not want anything that came from my parents. He gave me a cashier's cheque for about three times what my parents took from me. He said to use it however I wanted in my new life. He said it wasn't part of my inheritance or anything. It was a gift from him and something my grandma would have wanted me to have.

My friends think I was stupid to tear up the cheque. Most of them agree with me about being pissed at my parents. Some family have called me to say I behaved terribly and that I owe my parents an apology. I thank them for the call or message and block them. I'm calmer now and I do not think I am in the wrong. But maybe I'm too close to see what I'm missing. AITAH

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Sebscreen

NTA. They saw that the lifestyle they forced on you was killing you for years and did nothing. And they waited to do it at a party they hosted so they could get full credit as great parents too.

The fact that they never intend to pull this crap on your sister reeks of bias.

OOP

They would probably try if she was stupid enough to get a job

~

Tiger_Dense

NTA. How much were you paying in rent? I could understand a pittance, like $300.

We have never taken money from our children. Son is living at home currently and working full time, making over $70,000. But he doesn’t pay to live here and we buy all food. I would rather he save money for a house.

OOP

$750 a month

Orgasml

You ripped up a check that was close to $40000?

OOP

A little over.

OOP on why he never moved out

Dorms were more expensive. And I live in the city where my university is so I would not have gotten in. I could have moved out if I got a full time job and dropped out. I chose my path.

Apr 28, 2024

Not sure why but my other throwaway got deleted.

I took a lot of what you guys had to say to heart. I unblocked my family and spoke with my parents.

I agreed to meet with them for lunch today. We went to The Keg and talked. They said they didn't realize how I felt for those four years. My mom cried and said she was very sorry that I felt like they didn't care about me. I guess they read my post from before it got taken down and they are disturbed by what I wrote. They are also upset that my "girlfriend" is a single mom 14 years older than me. They asked if they could meet her and I said no.

They offered me the cheque again and this time I took it and thanked them. I said I would come home later.

After lunch I went to the bank and deposited it. Since we all bank at the same branch it was easy to cash it. I made sure that the money was in my account.

Then I blocked them again.

I just wrote my "girlfriend" a cheque for $4,312 to help her out. It was the interest on the money more or less. She is a decent person and she taught me a lot. She works her ass off loading trucks and she deserves something good in her life. I know that isn't me.

I am seeing my grandfather tomorrow. I am going to make sure he knows what I did and why. I am also going to invite him out to see my new place once I move our West.

I'm spending the weekend at my "girlfriend's" house since her ex has the kids.

Thank you all for your help and advice.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Telvani

What was the reason for giving your girl friend the money and what was her reaction to it?

OOP

I felt like doing something nice with money that my parents would hate. She was very appreciative of the money and tried not to accept it. I said my next choice for that money would be Pierre Poilievre and she accepted it just to keep it away from him.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Pierre Poilievre is the head of the Conservative Party in Canada

NEW UPDATE

June 15, 2024

This is the best I can do if you want all the drama. Sorry.

Tuesday is my convocation. I gave the tickets to my grandfather and my girlfriend. Wednesday I'm taking a flight home and never coming back here for any reason other than to see my grandfather.

My grandpa came out to see my new apartment and I took him for a drive from my new city down to another then through the mountains and home. He had never seen the Rockies before.

My parents are pissed that they will not get to see me graduate. But since they had fuck all to do with my success thus far in my life they don't deserve it.

I got some great advice from this sub and the other one.

I will start seeing a therapist when I get to the city where I will be working. Not to reconcile with my parents or anything. Just to deal with my hatred and maybe get to a better place.

My left my old phone at my parents house and I have a new phone number that only my grandpa, my friend, her parents, and my girlfriend know. If I get a call from my parents I will ditch it and just have my grandfather know my number.

I have been lurking on Reddit and I cannot believe how many other parents think this is the right way to deal with kids. If you do this please choke.

So yeah. Still angry, still cutting those useless people out of my life. Happy to be moving forward.

Thanks for reading this and for the advice. All of you that agreed with my parents I hope you do better with your kids. If not you deserve what you get.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TvManiac5

Can I ask a few questions?

Did you ever talk about how you felt regarding the money to your parents before the incident?

Were you planning to cut them off or were you just pissed they didn't actually need the money and kept you in a misguided attempt to teach you self reliance?

Do you think its fair to also cut off your siblings for something your parents did?

OOP

Never talked to them. 

Wasn't planning on cutting them off. Was going to go LC not NC. 

My sister is on their side. Big surprise. My brother unfortunately let them use his phone to contact me. 

~

ArcanaeumGaurdianAWC

So has the girlfriend been promoted to legit girlfriend now?

OOP

No. We have had our goodbyes. We actually had them after my first post. I just wanted her to see me graduate. She deserved it more than my parents. 

She cares for me but was very clear that her and I would not work long term. 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [23F] friend [30 M] proposed to me on April Fools Day. Thought it was a joke, turned out he was serious.

  March 25, 2016

Not in the sexual sense, but more in the personality department. I'm not married, but I literally can imagine being the type of woman who'd want to spoil her husband rotten. I wouldn't mind being the submissive wife archetype who would treat my husband like a king, with back massages, dinner prepared, tying his tie every morning and making him lunch every day. I'd let him have the last say if possible so long as it out of love, and probably be the wife who'd be at his beck and call if possible. I'd do all these things even if I loved him more than he'd loved me. So long as he isn't physically or emotionally abusive or cheating on me, I can't imagine myself minding much doing whatever he asked.

Problem is, a lot of people, including some of my friends, hate that. The fact that I'm that kind of woman makes it easy for me to be taken advantage of, and I admit I'm fully aware. They think that because I'm this way, that I believe that men are superior to women, which I don't; I just want to please my future husband. I don't know if that is freakishly traditional or just me.

To be honest, I've almost always been pretty submissive and passive, and used to be painfully shy growing up too. And while I have been growing out of my timidity, I am still pretty soft and go through lengths to avoid confrontation, which is a good thing and bad thing. While I acknowledge I need to work on that, I still wouldn't mind being nearly subservient to my future husband so long as he's the type of person I could absolutely adore.

Are my friends right? Am I too submissive for my own good? Would it even be possible to be in a proper relationship with that kind of personality?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bobmarley

You sound like a wonderful woman. You are the kind of woman a man dreams that he could be married too. Your friends have their own opinions on matters but I feel as though they should not bother you at all. Being submissive in the manner you described is not wrong at all, it sounds really sweet and lovely. You sound like a very lovely woman you shouldn't change anything at all about yourself.

OOP

Thank you. I've heard that from many of my guy friends that I'm  "Ultimate wife-material" and while it does make me happy to hear, it makes me ponder if I'm really a willing pushover, from what I've been told by my girl friends.

  Apr 2, 2016

So...that happened...

Well, let me start off with something.

So, a little over a week ago. I was talking with my friends about relationship dynamics. I told them that I actually view myself in a submissive wife role and would have no problem with it (I go on a huge spiel about it in my post). I spoke with my girl friends and a few of my guy friends about it mainly, and one of them went to tell either one of some of my other guy friends about it.

So, come April Fools Day, one of my guy friends, let's call him B, (who I suspect is either somewhat Bipolar, has ADD and ADHD or something that makes him rather impulsive) calls me over to meet with him that evening after work. My first thought is: he's going to do an April Fools joke. I'm thinking, I'm ready to see what he has in store since he did a funny one in college (literally having some of his friends chase me in funny costumes all around the dorm's lot).

So, anyway, he turns around and kneels onto one knee, pulls out a case and proposes. Now, keep in mind, we're only friends. I've never dated him or considered it because I can't see each other as anything beyond good friends. Also, knowing him, he would be the type of guy who would pull off this kind of thing as a joke. So, thinking it's another April Fools joke, I laugh and tell him nice try, because I truly think it's an April Fools joke. He raises the case more, and I keep giggling asking if he's serious a couple times before he just says "Yep, April Fools!"

We both laugh, and told him that he couldn't get me that easily since I knew what day it was, and we see each other off.

Later on, I find out from a friend that he's been in a funk since and was mopey. At first, I thought something had happened until a friend of mine came to me to talk to me before I could say hi to him in the morning.

Apparently, he was legitimately proposing to me. And he was down that I thought it was a prank. Apparently, somewhere in that conversation my friend had with him, he thought I'd accept his proposal.

I'm baffled and trying to wrap my head around it. Until now, I never knew he had feelings for me whatsoever. I mean, he never asked me out or anything like that, and I never had feelings for him like that either. I only see him as a friend, and don't like him in that way. I honestly don't know how to go about all this: the fact he liked me in that way, his proposal was real and that I honestly thought he was joking. He jokes around and pulls pranks so much, I never expected anything like this.

How do I proceed from here? This just made things extremely awkward and I have no idea what to do when I see him again.

tl;dr: Thought friend was just joshing me with a fake marriage proposal on April Fools, but found out the next day it wasn't a joke. Now don't know what to do with this information. Help?

EDIT: Wow, I didn't expect this magnitude of responses! I haven't responded to all of them, but I am reading each and every last one and taking them in consideration. Thank you all for taking the time to give me such wonderful advice! Just want to say that to you guys.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

littlestray

My alarm bells are going off.

You're in your early twenties and he's thirty. That's a sizable experience and maturity gap.

That he'd propose without having dated you is frankly crazy. That he'd wrap up any sort of relationship step in a joke suggests he's immature. Like, really, it's the "my friend stole my phone" of romantic overtures, but he's a grown man.

What's your mutual friend think about this?

OOP

My mutual friend actually told me that at first, they thought he was joking too until they learned from him that he was being serious. She told me that it was weird and that none she or I saw it coming. Apparently, he only told her his plans and that she was weirded out by it and if he has always been a weird guy but still caught her off guard. I plan to talk to her more about it tomorrow.

He's always acted younger than he truly is and, truth be told, he is immature and impulsive in many ways. It just never occurred to me he'd do something like this in all seriousness. I don't think he knows that I know it wasn't a joke now.

OOP Adds more info

Thank you for the advice.

We've known each other for three years. Aside from hugs, high fives and the friendly playful poke and stuff I do with all my friends, I never thought it was out of the ordinary. At times, we would have deep conversations, but never anything too deeply romantic, let alone, anything implying any romantic feelings for each other, which I don't have for him. As far as I've witnessed, he's usually just as playful with his other friends as he is with me, which is why I truly never saw something like this coming. I saw no change in his behavior whatsoever. The last thing I was talking to him about before all this was if he wanted to watch the Walking Dead with us.

I think the relationship conversation one of my friends had with him definitely got misconstrued in the mix in some way. To be frank, I definitely need to ask her exactly how she told him and what happened during that conversation. I think he does have some mental health problems, mainly a low level bipolar disorder, that have been diagnosed since he tends to be moody before completely back to his energetic, playful self.

I never thought the conversation would spiral in that way. I never expected it for it to happen. I'm still wrapping my head around that and I'm beginning to reflect back on any ways he's even shown remote interest in me.

I never meant to make him feel bad. I don't love him in that way, but he is my friend. Had I known he was serious, I would have probably handled it better. I mean, he's the type of guy with an over-the-top sense of humor, so I truly thought he was joking. I mean, it was April Fools and he has done crazy things in the past, just nothing like this.

I'll try to talk to him when I get the chance. I really want to salvage our friendship. Despite everything, he's a funny and nice guy whom I'm glad to have as a friend! I just never liked him in that way at all and he never even inferred he liked me in that way before now. I really hope that we can still be friends, but if we can't, I can understand taking some distance between us.

What a mess.

  Apr 5, 2016

Here's the link to the previous post, btw:

I actually wound up not getting the chance to talk to my friend after all about what he said because he sought me out before I got the chance to talk to him yesterday.

As it turned out, several of you were right. He said was half-joking, half serious with the proposal. He had liked me for a long time and he purposefully chosen April Fools Day to see if I had any romantic interest in him as he did in me. I truly don't understand why that would be a good case to see if I liked him in that way because to propose to anyone out the blue without dating them usually means an automatic no. He actually was upset by my reaction, more than he thought he would.

And right after telling me this, he asked me out. I turned him down as politely as I could though, since I don't like him in that way at all. He said he thought that I had feelings for him. I told him I loved him as a friend and that I hope we could remain good friends still.

But he just stormed by me afterwards.

Judging from that reaction, I don't think our relationship will be repaired any time soon, if ever.

I guess it's for the best in the end.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice you gave me! Things didn't really go as I expected them to, but at least I have much more clarity on the situation.

tl;dr: My friend had came to see me and tell me himself about the April Fool's joke, in which he was partially joking, partially serious. Truly did have feelings for me and I rejected him. Looks like friendship is ruined forever.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

Yeah, something tells me it'll make an interesting April Fools story in the future.

I plan to definitely distance myself from him and definitely be more careful. It actually started all off on just a conversation with my friends on relationships...didn't expect for it to spiral into this.

I guess that teaches me to put it all out there, lol. Definitely going to wait a while before I bring something like that up again.

~

zeezle

Wow, this might be the absolute most awkward and likely to fail way to ask out a friend I've ever heard of. That is so much more awkward than just straight-forwardly asking you out.

Like... did he really think you'd say yes?

I'm baffled by the whole thing, but it sounds like you handled it as well as you possibly could have.

OOP

Thanks. This whole thing is crazy and even thinking about it baffles me. I honestly don't know what was going through his head at the time, and I guess now I never will.

Granted, with what everyone pointed out and with a bit more hindsight, I realize that maybe it was never a real friendship in the first place.

Walking_the_dead

He was hoping you'd say yes and be his perfect submissive fantasy wife, girl, make no mistake that what sprung all this was you previous declaration, he wants an exclusive particular fetish. 

ps:  That in any way shifts the blame onto you.

OOP

With what's happened, I guess really shouldn't have talked aloud about that with my friends given all that's happened. Going to definitely keep things like that under wraps.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

The OP of this story is posting on

Trigger Warnings: ​PTSD

, Posted May 31st, 2024

Posted June 7th, 2024

Original BORU posted by

Thanks to for finding the update

1 New Update

Posted June 20th, 2024

AITA for leaving my sister's wedding early after her maid of honor humiliated me in her speech?

I 27F was a bridesmaid at my older sister's wedding last week. The wedding was beautiful and everything seemed perfect until the reception. During the reception the maid of honor who has been my sister's best friend since childhood gave her speech. it was emotional and all but then she made a joke about how I was the family screw up who finally managed to do something right by not messing up my bridesmaid duties. Everyone laughed but I didn't find it funny.

For context I’ve had a rough few years. I struggled with my mental health and dropped out of college for a while. I've since gotten my life back on track but it’s still a sensitive topic for me. Hearing that joke in front of all our family and friends wasn't funny at all. My sister's best friend and I never really got along but still I never expected something like this from her. Especially the day wasn't about me at all then why bring me up in the speech?

I tried to stay composed but I felt the tears coming so I quietly left the reception and went outside to collect myself. My sister followed me out and asked what was wrong. When I told her she said it was just a joke and she meant nothing bad. I tried to go back inside but I just couldn't and I ended up leaving the wedding early. My parents understand why I was upset but my sister is angry with me. I do feel terrible for leaving but I also feel like I had the right to feel hurt and humiliated.

Edit: I said nothing at the moment because I didn't want to cause a scene on my sister's special day. And I can't reason with her right now because she will just ask me if I haven't been taking my meds lately because that's what she does when she's angry with me so I'm giving her some time to maybe realize how her best friend's joke was out of line.

Edit 2: someone asked me if my sister's best friend and I argued before/did I give her a reason to do this. My sister's best friend and I never went past Hi. She told me before (few years ago) that she "in general" doesn't feel comfortable around someone struggling mentally because in her head God only knows what they're capable of. since she said this/to this day I just try to avoid her.

Relevant Comments:

Info: have you given any reason for your sister or her best friend not to trust or like you? And if you have and aren't that person anymore, did you apologize for any of it?

What she said was definitely petty for sure, but it may or may not have been deserved. And if you have hurt your sister and never apologized for it then you really don't have any leg to stand on to ask for an apology for someone else making a snarky comment about that.

However, if your sister and her friend are just cruel for cruelties sake then you absolutely are NTA.

I do really wonder what the other side of the story is here.

Actually my sister's best friend and I never went past Hi. She told me before that she "in general" doesn't feel comfortable around someone struggling mentally because in her head God only knows what they're capable of. And since she said this to this day I just try to avoid her.

Update - 7 days later

Hi. Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on my post and gave their opinion/advice without being too harsh. I apologize if my update is messy or confusing. I'll try to cover everything but I don't know when to add context for clarification. If you think there's any missing info/some parts are confusing let me know. 

The same day I posted my dad called to check up on me and see if my sister and I had talked things out. When I told him no he said it's better if we talk about it now and assured me that I have nothing to apologize for. If my sister thinks she has nothing to apologize for then the least she can do is make her best friend apologize or fully realize that the joke was out of line. By the way my brother and I met 4 days ago and he told me that BIL (my sister's husband) didn't like the way the MOH called me a screw-up in front of everyone and some of those who laughed voiced later that they did so out of nervousness.

On Monday my sister called me to talk. When I made it to her place, her best friend was on the phone and didn't put it down for a second. My sister started by saying that just a few years ago I would have laughed hard and not taken the joke as an insult. I told her maybe some laughed because they don't know the reason she called me a screw-up.

(For context. When I was 16 something happened and that's why I struggled mentally really badly between 16-18. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD and later with depression and anxiety. Since then I don't like it when someone touches my head. Especially my hair and the back of my head/neck. My sister knows everything)

During our conversation my sister did most of the talking. At some point I felt like my sister had called me just to blame me again without trying to understand my perspective. When I tried to talk she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me toward her with each sentence as if to say "Do you understand?" or "Okay?" I hated it and felt irritated. I honestly kept thinking if I pushes her away would I be in the wrong. Would they just call me mental and tell family I got physical. I tried to leave but she insisted that no one was leaving until we sort this out. She told her best friend to just apologize. She refused and reminded my sister that I was the reason her husband got angry at her on their wedding day because I couldn't take a joke and when I tried to explain why (EDIT: I told her if she had focused her speech on the bride/groom then maybe he wouldn't have had a reason to be angry. she refused to listen and brushed my words off) she said "Yeah whatever. Sorry" I was glad it was finally over and as I was about to leave I heard her say "Can't take a joke that everyone knows is true" Both of them laughed but my sister stopped mid-laugh and apologized. I didn't say anything and left.

I think I've had enough. I mean I know I've had a few rough years. I dropped out of college for a while, fine. But I've since gotten my life back on track. My parents helped me through it all and never made me feel like a burden. At first, I was on some strong meds that made me feel tired/sleepy most of the time. After a while I started to feel a little better with therapy and my family's support. During that period it was me, my parents and my brother. My sister was three hours away for a job and used to visit sometimes and would often bring her best friend along with her. Looking back. I don't want to say she hates me but I know she felt ashamed to have a family member struggling with mental health issues. I don't know how to explain this.

I've made up my mind and decided to go NC for now. If my parents and my brother who were there when I was going through it all never made me feel that they're ashamed of me then why would she? I'm still on some meds but feels much better than before. I have a stable job, my own place and friends who loves me for who I am. I can say I'm proud of myself a little. I love my family to death and tried to maintain a relationship with my sister all these years but I'm trying to improve myself not constantly be reminded of what I was a few years ago.

**New Update starts here**

Update - 13 days later

Hey. This happened a few days ago but It's been a busy week for me and I was a bit hesitant to update.

I went to see my parents with my brother. My dad texted me before to to let me know that my sister was coming too. I didn't want to cause any problems between her and my parents by telling them about what she and her best friend did. But when she started the conversation with lies. I told them everything and made it clear that I'm not asking them to take sides and that I will still come to family gatherings but I won't engage with her in any way.

My dad couldn't let the fact that she grabbed me by the back of my neck slide. But my mother tried to make it seem like it was out of desperation, to make me accept her apology. What my sister said next did it for my mom. She asked them how is anyone still supposed to remember what exactly triggers me after all these years and that I already gotten over it since I didn't react. And what if I've been faking it all these years. I know I shouldn't have said this and I really regret it now but I told her I wish she go through exactly what I went through. Maybe then she could give me a better example of how I should've handled it all. She told me to get over it and stop begging magazines to post about what happened at the wedding and left. My dad told me later that her best friend's younger sister read about it in 'People' magazine. it was posted on their Instagram. And (get over it?) she's the only one who still brings up what happened.

My mother now understands why I decided to go no contact. My dad and brother are 100% supportive of my decision. But I can't stop thinking about what she said. She tried to trigger a reaction out of me and now thinks I've been faking it because I didn't give her one. It's been 11 years. Years of therapy and meds, of course I've gotten better. Not 100% tho since I felt irritated. And if it wasn't for already being labeled 'crazy' I would've shoved her away.

I feel like I should've cut contact with her the moment she asked my parents why I didn't stay at the party and wait for my brother to come and pick me up. The reason I left the party was because some of the guys who were invited were much older than I was and they were getting drunk and loud. Two of them followed me. First thing my sister told my parents was and still believe that I left with them because I was naive and just scared/ashamed to admit it. Even after both of them confessed everything. But I was young I guess and cutting contact with her wasn't something I could do.

I also want to mention how supportive my partner has been through all of this. From the day I told him everything. He has been incredibly understanding. Even though I never asked him to and he never told me but I know he still goes through each movie/series before we watch it together to make sure there aren't any scenes that could make me uncomfortable. When I put something on. he finds a way to distract me for a few minutes to check it before we watch. He has never made me feel like a screw up. He makes me feel like I still deserve to be loved.

Thank you to each of you for your kind comments and reaching out in private

Edit: There's something else that happened in the last few days but I can't mention it. Since they found out I posted on the internet from 'People' magazine's Instagram. I assume they searched for the original post here on Reddit. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong though. I didn't mention any personal information in my original post or updates.

Comments

SuccessfulSeaweed385

It's so good to know that you have supporting parents and a fantastic partner. Hope your sister grows up one day, but that is probably unlikely.

Juggletrain

Hey there OP, and anyone else that may need to know. If you go to doesthedogdie.com it not only tells you if a dog dies in the movie, but lists any other possible triggers including SA. Might help your bf to search through there too.

Loose-Chemical-4982

I'm so glad you were able to tell your family about what your sister did, and that Dad and Brother support you 100%.

I'm sorry your mom tried to make excuses for her, I suppose she didn't want to believe her daughter could be so cruel. But I'm having a schadenfreude moment here because your sister outed herself completely.

Your sister doesn't really understand PTSD and chooses to remain ignorant and unkind. You don't owe her any performative behaviors to get her to believe you. She's really gross to victim blame you for what happened.

She's just angry and lashing out again that you "should be over it" because the post got national attention on an infotainment media outlet and her husband will most likely see it.

I truly hope he does.

Be well. I'm so happy that you have a supportive partner that goes the extra mile to keep you safe.

**Reminder - I am not OP**

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to , , , and their own profile.

+

[New Update]: AITA for not allowing my mother to bring her boyfriend I don't know or want to know to my wedding?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: grooming, emotional abuse and manipulation, physical and verbal abuse, domestic violence, alcoholism, institutionalization

Editor’s Notes: Due to the lengths of prior posts altogether, they have exceeded the character limit. I have put a TL;DR for each of OOP’s posts prior to the latest update. This is in order to fit all posts in one BoRU here. For the full text bodies of older posts and relevant comments, please see the previous BoRUs linked above

: August 23, 2023

OOP (33NB) does not have a great relationship with their mother. Parents are divorced. Father is remarried to a great stepmom. Mother was married to her 2nd husband, Mark, for about 9 years before their divorce. There were petty reasons behind the mother’s two divorces, having to do with money. OOP set up boundaries with their mother, asking her not to complain about her love life and boyfriends.

OOP gets ready to be married to their partner (35M) after being together for 10 years. They prefer a small backyard wedding and reception/BBQ for up to 40 guests only. Dad, stepmom, Mark (former stepdad), and his wife are invited. Mother is also invited, asked OOP if she could have her boyfriend as her plus one. OOP said no as they do not know the boyfriend very well. OOP asked if they were TA for not letting their mother have her boyfriend as a plus one.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

After getting the verdict from AITA, and listening to their fiancé and sister and reading comments from redditors on original post, OOP decides to allow their mother’s boyfriend to come with some ground rules. OOP’s mother accepted the rules they set up for her and her boyfriend.

OOP provided additional information on their mother’s background in the comments from their original post:

OOP explained their mother is a gold-digger, an alcoholic, and slept with their brother’s best friend when they were 21. The mother complained that if both of her ex-husbands gave her what she wanted, they would still be together. She got a DUI years ago when crashing into another car while being drunk, having 3 bottles of wines per day. Brother did not forgive the mother for sleeping with his best friend who he knew since pre-school. Her current boyfriend (not the best friend) is only 10 years younger than she is. She believes that it’s okay to sleep with younger men.

After reading comments and receiving advice, OOP decides that they are not going to deal with their mother anymore. They thought if having the mother in their life would keep the peace with the extended family members. Decided to follow younger brother’s advice and only speak with their mother at family functions and nothing else.

: August 28, 2023

OOP decides to distance themselves from their mother due to her awful background. Did not get along since OOP was 16 after the mother and stepdad’s divorce. Tired of fighting with their mother, decided to reduce their contacts for now, but the reason why not cutting contacts right away was because of the mother’s side of the family who OOP is closer to keep the peace. OOP asked for advice on how to be cordial and see their mother at their family events, but not talk or hang out.

: September 23, 2023

OOP and fiancé are getting ready to be married. Set on having a dry wedding for two major reasons, their mother and their fiancé’s brother who dealt with alcohol problems. Mother tends to make a scene when drunk. Fiancé’s brother can’t stop binge drinking and got alcohol poisoning more than once. Can’t stop until he passed out or someone takes his drinks away. OOP has family members who are recovering alcoholics. Only they and their fiancé will have alcohol when they go on their honeymoon. OOP’s uncle is very grateful that they are considering about his recovery which he takes very seriously; and he has been sober for 7 years and counting.

OOP’s mother finds out about the dry wedding and had their phone calls. The mother is upset that OOP has made the final decisions and she said the wedding will be very boring. OOP stands firm with their final decisions. OOP and their mother gets in an argument over phone on why she can’t have a drink to pass the time. Denied that it was her fault for the car accident and her divorces from OOP’s father and stepdad. Mother is upset on why her children are distancing themselves from her. She got angry at OOP for not letting her be involved with the wedding planning and dress shopping.

OOP decided to reach out to their father and uncle (mother’s brother) for advice. All three agreed on an intervention for the mother. Uncle thinks his sister’s drinking is bad again. Decided to uninvite their mother to the wedding because she wasn’t being civil with OOP’s wedding and drinking rules. Feels like reaching the final straw with their mother on this.

: September 24, 2023

OOP gives thanks to the redditors for support. Shared a small update on their mother. Grandparents and uncles (mother’s side) decided it was time to have an intervention for OOP’s mother. If she doesn’t accept help, she won’t be invited to the future family events and no longer a part of the family if her drinking continues. OOP’s sister is the only one who has a relationship with their mother. Sister said if mother doesn’t get help, she is going to cut contacts too for her own mental health.

OOP’s father informed them that he has the local biker gang as security at the wedding. OOP has no problem with that because security can be pricy, and the biker gang is doing OOP’s father a favor. OOP focuses on finalizing the wedding plans. Sees their stepmom as the real “mom” who has been there for them.

: September 24, 2023

OOP got in a fight with their mother the prior day. Officially estranged now because of their mother’s drinking and behavior problems. Came to uninvite her from the wedding as the final decision to have some relief.

: September 30, 2023

OOP finds themselves back sooner than expected to share more updates on their mother. Police were called on her for domestic violence. Threw wine bottles at her current boyfriend who locked himself in the bathroom. The place was destroyed during the mother’s temper tantrums. Got sent to psychiatric ward and been there since then. Sister is the mother’s primary contact after she got admitted to the hospital. Finds that she was likely to have alcohol related dementia and a psychotic disorder. Mother is going through alcohol detox in order to receive treatments. No one in the family wants to visit at the hospital.

OOP and sister decided on guardianship for mother after a social worker came in to take her case. Meaning that she can be held in the system rather than being released after 72 hours of psychiatric hold. Grandpa and uncles agree with OOP and sister on needing this for the mother. Grandma was too upset because the state had to get involved with the family issues and she didn’t want that for her (OOP’s mother). The extended families decided the mother is no longer a part of their family. Washed their hands off her years ago. The family is letting the guardianship take the lead on their mother’s case. No one wants to deal with her anymore.

Mother is now away from the family, meaning that OOP could finish the wedding planning without the stress. The boyfriend finally breaks up with the mother. And accepted OOP’s invitation to the wedding after being civil with each other when discussing the mother’s situation. OOP is relieved their mother is no longer their problem now. Looking forward to the new chapter with their husband.

: October 9, 2023

OOP comes back as a married person now and provided an update on their mother’s progress after redditors asked about her. She’s not doing well, needed a feeding tube, and refusing to speak, eat, or drink water. The doctors have advised the family on the mother’s conditions after years of alcohol abuse and if she doesn’t stop drinking, she could be gone in five years. Might not even get a transplant if she ignores the doctors’ orders due to her liver disease and needing dialysis.

OOP had a great wedding. The mother’s ex-boyfriend did not attend the wedding as he chose to deal with his own drinking issues. OOP wishes him well. Recently, OOP took a pregnancy test and it’s positive. Has not told their families yet. Going out to their honeymoon. OOP’s now husband is welcomed into the family by their brothers and stepbrothers. Stepmom took care of the mother duties at the wedding and was fabulous for OOP.

: November 7, 2023

OOP comes to AITA with another question on their mother’s situation. Mother had a meltdown leading to her arrest and hospitalization. Social worker steps in and take the case, tells the family they need a 3rd party to serve as the guardian for the mother. She goes on disability and placed in a long-term psychiatric home. Got diagnosed with Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome with encephalopathy and liver disease. Only 55 years old and won’t live to see 60. Unlikely to be eligible for a transplant unless she stops drinking.

OOP is the eldest child, so they decided to be the main point of contact with the guardian who is overseeing their mother’s case. Grandma wants to intervene and bring her home to live with her parents. Grandpa is not having it. He tells his wife that their daughter did this to herself, not the family. Only grandma is the one who wants to visit with the conditions that one uncle takes her. She insists OOP and their sister move their mother in with them so they can care for her with Grandma’s help. OOP denies because they are pregnant and doesn’t need any more stress on their plate. Sister agrees she needs to put her own family especially 2 kids first. She doesn’t want to enable their mother anymore. Family members other than Grandpa and uncles are telling OOP fammmilllyy and they should care for her. OOP asks if they are TA for not caring for their mother.

Verdict: Not The Asshole

OOP makes a note after getting the AITA verdict that they haven’t revealed their pregnancy to the family yet until 2nd trimester. They love their grandma, but they are putting themselves first for their own mental health and family’s safety. So denying Grandma’s begging to bring their mother home with them was the right thing to do. Court date has been set for the guardianship which Grandma still wants to object on.

: November 15, 2023

Court Date came. Mother is now under guardianship. Grandma wanted to object and give her mind; but was shut down by the judge who said mother is dangerous to the family. OOP and sister brought Grandma for a supervised visit with their mother. Reality hits Grandma that her daughter is not in the right mind with her health problems. Grandma understood why OOP and sister cannot care for their mother. OOP explains to their grandma what Reddit folks told them. Grandma understood the rehab staff is more trained and equipped to handle her daughter’s care better.

Grandma had an in-person visit with her daughter and finally saw the real person her daughter was to OOP and sister. The mother was asking Grandma if she was going home with her, breaking Grandma’s heart. Grandma told her that it was the best if she stays at the rehab for a while to get the help. The family gets home from the visit. Grandma breaks down and apologized to her grandchildren for forcing them to take care of their mother. OOP and sister had to tell their grandma that it wasn’t her fault for her daughter’s alcoholism problems. Grandma knew OOP and sister were doing the right things as needed in order to keep their mother safe. Sets up a schedule for Grandma to visit twice a week with a family member taking her.

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 27, 2024

Hi,

I still see messages asking for updates whenever I login. I don't login very often as I'm very busy. Here's what's going on.

1. I'm currently 8 months pregnant. Child will be AFAB. My spouse and I don't plan on assigning gender at birth and will let them decide as they get older. The pregnancy has gone relatively smoothly. I didn't do a very good job of hiding my pregnancy that first trimester so by the time I announced I was pregnant, everyone was nonchalant. My spouse and I are planning to have one more child pretty quickly after this is born to complete our family. Ideally within the next 18-24 months. Baby is due middle of next month. Things have been going well since we got married. My spouse is figuring out that they may be a transwoman. I'm not surprised. I saw this coming. But both of us agreed to wait on any transitioning until we had 2 babies.

2. My family is well. I've been spending more time with my dad and his family including my aunts, uncle, and my 93 year old grandmother. My grandfather on my mother's side had a minor stroke. His right arm doesn't move right, he's legally blind and can no longer drive but he can talk and walk even if it's difficult at times. After that drama with my grandpa, I've been putting a little more distance between my biomom's side of the family. I got tired of the dysfunction, drama and petty fighting. I still love them and they're family but I need to focus on my family and not their dysfunction.

3. My mom is...not good. Her health is rapidly deteriorating. She's been going for kidney dialysis 3x per week. In my previous post, I got a little confused. She has acute cirrhosis of the liver and when they mentioned dialysis I thought it was liver dialysis but nope her kidney function is poor too. Liver dialysis isn't really a thing. But both her kidneys and liver are failing and the chances aren't looking good that she'll qualify for a transplant as she has been diagnosed with alcohol related dementia. Without a transplant, her life expectancy is less than 2 years. The plan is to move her into a skilled nursing facility and get her hospice care. On that front, I haven't visited in 6 months. All she really does anymore is stare out the window. She doesn't talk much or get out of bed often. She can barely walk. It was too emotionally draining and stressful to visit her, so I stopped. That may sound heartless but once again, I need to look out for me and there's nothing I can say or do. I thought her being sickly would make me feel something for her but I only see someone who chose to do this to themselves instead of getting help. I know that isn't fair or necessarily true of addiction but disdain is the only emotion I can muster. My uncle in AA came to visit her and when he saw her, he said that just strengthened his resolve to stay sober and he saw what would happen if he didn't. It's sad and somewhat embarrassing. My mother is the poster child of why you stay sober. My sister has taken the lead in keeping up with her needs and visiting. She was always closest to my mom, so it makes sense.

That's all I have. Maybe I'll check in again. I might be too busy to do so.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Am I wrong for getting upset at my husband over perfume?

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: possible infidelity, manipulation, alcoholism

: December 18, 2023

My husband has a coworker he’s always talking about, a “work-wife” (we’ll call her Annie) sort of thing. I am not comfortable with it but he’s always been open with letting me see his phone and leaving the “find my” app available.

Yesterday he came home and asked me to buy a certain perfume for myself. I asked him why and he said that Annie always wears it and he really likes it. I told him no and I find it really offensive that he wants me to wear the same perfume as someone that he’s friends with and I feel like he probably has a crush on her. He says I’m overreacting and he just likes the way it smells and that it doesn’t mean anything.

Our friends are pretty split on who’s right.

OOP on if her husband mentioned anything else about Annie

OOP: He mentioned that she always wears eyeliner. I wear makeup but I’m allergic to liquid eyeliner

HI_l0la: It's weird because the perfume OP's husband is telling OP to buy is a perfume worn by the woman he calls his "work wife". It could be innocent but I don't know their relationship very well. But, would OP's husband be okay if OP came home one day telling him to wear a specific cologne because it smells good and it's something worn by a male colleague at work?

OOP: I asked him that but he refused to answer me

OOP on if she works and saves money for herself

OOP: Technically self employed. When I was in college a friend’s auntie was visiting she asked me to keep her busy and it turned into a business

: December 20, 2023

I decided to talk to him about and he got upset at me for bringing it up again. He decided to get on discord with some of his friends so he had a few drinks. He then admitted to me that he would sleep with her if he wasn’t married. He says that nothing happened between.

I don’t know if I believe him that nothing happened. I have a lot to think about. And for those who were wondering what the perfume was it was Lovespell.

Relevant Comments

OOP on communicating with her husband about the perfume issue

OOP: I wanted to talk to him about the perfume issue and how it made me feel, he was really dismissive so he went on discord to talk to some of his friends and when he came back out of the room I was making myself some tea, he put his around me and said that.

Cate_WithaC: trust your gut, this a horrible situation and it seems like you are one argument away from him sleeping with her anyway…he admitted to you he wants to.

either get both of you into therapy or start looking into ending this relationship, sounds like he’s moving on without you but doesn’t want to be “the bad guy” and end it. he’s going to keep doing things like this that purposely bother you until you decide to leave him. i hope you have an excellent prenup or get an excellent therapist.

OOP: We don’t really have much, we rent and other than that its just a car and a motorcycle. He had Covid a few weeks ago and he was out of sick time so we missed out on a paycheck. We have $3 in our bank account until Friday + This isn’t our usual money situation it just makes it feel worse. He’s home today and everything just feels so tense. I’m waiting for my neighbor to get home so I can go sit there for a while

OOP on if she thinks she did something wrong for her husband

OOP: I just keep wondering why. I’ve done everything right. I help him with everything. He’s working on furthering his degree so while he’s at work if I’m not busy I write his discussion board replies, I’m always waiting for him when he gets home, the house is clean, I cook almost every day

: June 15, 2024 (six months later)

Update, six months later: Am I wrong for getting upset at my husband over perfume?

I don’t think I can add links but the other posts are there if you click on my profile.

So in the past six months our relationship has got worse. The whole Annie issue is over since she’s now sleeping with another coworker(he’s married!).

My husband has developed a terrible drinking habit, a spending problem and even legal issues that he says he would rather go to jail over than pay the fines.

So I will be moving in with my parents and I’m going back to college in the fall. I’m planning on becoming a nurse.

Relevant Comments

South_Body_569: Have you declared a legal separation or whatever is the equivalent in your county? You want to ensure you are not responsible for his debts.

OOP: There’s no legal separation as such in our state. I’ll be at least partially responsible for some of it, it just depends on what a lawyer can work out.

OOP on if she is able to make a report on her husband’s co-worker

OOP: No. I’m not sending what are basically third hand rumors to the HR department of a company I don’t even work for. + No. I am personally sure of it but I don’t have solid proof. There’s plenty of people that work there that can go to HR or that man’s wife.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 27th April 2024

- 19th June 2024

AITA for putting in a claim to my late father’s death benefit

Hi, I am looking for advice.

My father passed away on the 1st of March very unexpectedly and obviously this has caused a lot of heartache.

A few days ago I received a letter through the post from a policy through his work where it was stated that my father’s sister had put in a claim for the death benefit as she was next of kin at his work. I am next of kin legally and also would like to state for the record that me and my father had an excellent relationship. She never mentioned the policy to us or wrote down on her form that my father (did not) have children which it clearly asks and instead sent the form as if she was his only relative.

The company found out that I existed only because I am the informant on his death certificate and has asked if I wish to make a claim. I contacted my aunt about this and she has doubled down and said that my father would have wanted her and her alone to receive this large sum of money and has told me not to put in a claim.

I am putting in a claim regardless and told her this and it has caused a huge rift with her family. So much so that a cousin contacted me and said that my dad would be ashamed of me for putting in a claim and then went on to attack my autistic 24 year old brother, telling him that my father would have been ashamed of him because he was unable to carry his coffin at the funeral.

It just seems that this has gotten completely out of hand and I along with my brother are being attacked over money. Surely the company wouldn’t have contacted us if it were his wishes to give her 100%.

(Edit: I also forgot to mention that my aunt said she received an email from my dad’s workplace saying it was his wishes to gift this money to her and she had a signed document from him saying this, but when I asked her if I could see the document she sent me a blank template of wishes from the company website which had no writing on it, no expression of wishes and no signature from my dad which is confusing.

We also told her that we may not receive anything in the final decision which we are fine with, but it potentially could be split even between me, my younger brother and her. She wasn’t happy to even consider it going three ways either. And that is where the abuse began from that side of the family.)

I just don’t know and this has been keeping me up at night with stress. AITA?

UPDATE:

I phoned the company this morning and they have NO RECORD of an expression of wishes that my father wrote. Only that she was next of kin at his workplace. So she not only lied that it was my dad’s wishes for her to have this money, but she also lied that she received an email from the company stating this. The woman on the phone said you are his daughter, you have a right to make a claim. And also to tell my brother to put his claim in which he will be doing now.

Comments

FairyPenguinStKilda

NTA - she is robbing an Autistic child of her own brother?

OOP: Her daughter sent my brother vile voice notes telling him that my dad would be ashamed of him because he couldn’t carry the coffin due to his autism, that he is lazy and should get a job when he can’t work and that he is a thief. It has made my brother so distraught that he is refusing to put a claim in as he thinks my father hated him when this is not true.

My dad loved the bones off my brother. Those words never left his mouth. All lies.

My dad may not be here to protect him but I am, and I’ll always protect him.

BeardManMichael

NTA

Your aunt's family sounds like a bunch of greedy assholes. Do not let them bully you. Make sure you get the benefits that you are owed.

Beth21286

Why would she even think she deserves it when dad has TWO children?

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 2 months later

Hi everyone, I just thought I would give an update on the situation.

My aunt put in a claim to receive my father’s death benefit from his workplace in April behind our backs and stated that my father had written wishes for his money to go to her and her only. She said she had a copy of an email with his signature signing over 100% of this to her but when asked she never sent us a copy of these supposed wishes.

We later found out this was a lie, there were no wishes and the only reason she was able to put in a claim was because she was listed as next of kin at his workplace. Not as a beneficiary of any kind. This caused a huge rift within the family (you will see details from the original post, and also a second post on my profile) and ultimately ruined relationships that will never be repaired.

Even when we offered to split it three ways, she wasn’t having it and doubled down on the fact this money was hers. Then her family began attacking us over social media.

My brother and I received nasty abuse as we put in a claim, were told my dad would be disappointed in us, that he would be ashamed and that the payment was to go solely to her. My brother who is autistic was told he was disgusting for not carrying my dad’s coffin, even though this emotionally would have destroyed him beyond repair.

He was told he was nothing like my dad and that my dad called him “a shit son” which is a LIE. He is an amazing young man, and my dad would have been proud of him for even being able to attend the funeral. And also for cutting his hair for the first time in 11 years to make our dad proud. I’ve reminded him of this as these nasty words have stayed with him, causing him emotional turmoil thinking that my dad hated him. He is getting better emotionally now with support from me, my mum and close family friends and realises our dad had nothing but love for him.

Well, after a couple of stressful months I’m happy to say that my brother and I received everything, and she got nothing. Not a penny. We have not split the money with her and will never speak to her again. My brother will live comfortably now, and will be taken care of which is what my dad really would have wanted.

Thank you to everyone for the support in the original post who put my mind at ease and reminding me that I was not in the wrong.

Comments

popcorn717

Everything turned out the way it should have. I am happy for you and your family. Your aunt got what she deserved...nothing

SoCalThrowAway7

My petty ass would send her the breaking bad gif of the two guys laying on a pile of money. But that’s a very bad idea in reality, I’m happy you’re away from this lunatic and her family

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. Original post from by on 20 June 2022.

Mood Spoiler: Satisfying

“AITA for getting angry at my(m29) girl friend (f28) for hiding that she speaks Spanish?”

Link:

My family is from Mexico but I was born in the US. I am the only one in my family who doesn’t speak Spanish, all my extended family (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.) speak it but I never really cared for it that much.

Katia (my girlfriend) knows I am Mexican and she asked if I spoke Spanish but when I said no, she didn’t push which I found refreshing, usually people ask a lot of questions. She never said she spoke Spanish but I remember her watching something and hearing Spanish but I figured she had subtitles on. If it’s important, Kate is from Germany.

Katia and I have been together for 3 months. It’s not long but it’s been intense. My grandmother had birthday on Saturday and my family threw her a huge part. I invited Katia to come along with me as it would be perfect time to meet my family and they’re always very welcoming. Katia agreed.

When we got there, everyone switched to English to speak to Kate but they quickly went back to Spanish. I went to grab a beer and came back to find Katia talking to my aunt, in Spanish (!). I came over and played it cool, telling her I didn’t know she spoke it, yadda yadda.

When Katia was with me, she spoke English but whenever she spoke to one of my family members alone, she switched because they switched. It made me really uncomfortable, especially since it wasn’t your typically barely spoken Spanish, it was full on, fluent Spanish and she understood my fast speaking relatives. I got really annoyed with her but said nothing.

My grandma told me how much she loved Katia and how she’s happy I found such an amazing girl. All my family loved her and couldn’t stop singing praises about her.

On our way back, I got really angry with her and when we got to my apartment, I told her that I feel betrayed that she hid she spoke Spanish and how she made a fool of me out there. I admit I was shouting because I was so angry. I felt humiliated.

She asked me to calm down and told me she never hid anything. I accused her of sneakily making her way into my family instead of having them warm up gradually . She asked if I was being serious and I confirmed. She called me a jerk and left my apartment. I was too angry to stop her.

I am waiting for her to call me with apologies, but she hasn’t been in touch since Saturday night. I told my brother about it and he told me I am the fool but I really feel disrespected by Katia. AITA for getting angry and shouting she hid she spoke my language?

NOTE: OOP declared the asshole

UPDATE

“AITA for demanding my sister stops being friends with my ex because it’s betrayal?”

NOTE: This post was removed, but the update was preserved in the comments by the subreddit bot.

Link:

I’ve had a problem before and this place gave me a reality check and now I have a problem with another person and need to know who’s the asshole.

I broke up with my girlfriend for the second time a few weeks ago. We’ve had some issues that we couldn’t get past so we decided to end it. But during the time we were together, my sister (f26) and my ex (f28) became best friends.

I thought that once we break up, my sister, Flor, will stop seeing my ex, Katia. I didn’t ask her, I just assumed because that’s what family does, you don’t stay in touch with your brother’s ex.

It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t heard from Katia and my sister hasn’t mentioned her either. Just yesterday, I drove to my sister’s house because she offered me some canned food and homemade jars of veggies and jams. Money’s been tight so I took her up on her offer.

We didn’t plan to meet at a specific hour so I just dropped off whenever I had the time. When I got inside (my BiL let me in) I was shocked to find that Katia was there. I thought she was there for me and told her upfront to not beg to get me back because it ain’t happening.

She looked at me and told me she’d never want me back and said she’s here for Flor and they’re having a pizza movie night.

I got really angry. I asked my sister what the hell she thought she was doing, thag she is betraying her own blood by stayi mg friends with her and that she must stop being friends with Katia because it’s unacceptable and I’ll tell our family that she’s betraying us.

She told me our family knows and to stop being a baby, she’s not going to listen to me. My BiL came in to see what’s going on, when he found out he called me an asshhole and kicked me out. On my way I told my sister that if they broke up I’d never be friends with my bil and that’s she’s an awful sister.

My mother just called me and told me to get a grip and grow up. I also got a phone call from my cousins and aunts. My sister basically told our whole family.

I genuinely thought I was right but everyone’s been on my case so I want to check who’s the asshol (my sister or I) to know how to continue. AITA for demanding my sister is not friends with my ex?

Note: This is the last post from OOP's account so I'm marking this as concluded.