I am NOT OOP. Original post from by on 20 June 2022.

Mood Spoiler: Satisfying

“AITA for getting angry at my(m29) girl friend (f28) for hiding that she speaks Spanish?”

Link:

My family is from Mexico but I was born in the US. I am the only one in my family who doesn’t speak Spanish, all my extended family (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.) speak it but I never really cared for it that much.

Katia (my girlfriend) knows I am Mexican and she asked if I spoke Spanish but when I said no, she didn’t push which I found refreshing, usually people ask a lot of questions. She never said she spoke Spanish but I remember her watching something and hearing Spanish but I figured she had subtitles on. If it’s important, Kate is from Germany.

Katia and I have been together for 3 months. It’s not long but it’s been intense. My grandmother had birthday on Saturday and my family threw her a huge part. I invited Katia to come along with me as it would be perfect time to meet my family and they’re always very welcoming. Katia agreed.

When we got there, everyone switched to English to speak to Kate but they quickly went back to Spanish. I went to grab a beer and came back to find Katia talking to my aunt, in Spanish (!). I came over and played it cool, telling her I didn’t know she spoke it, yadda yadda.

When Katia was with me, she spoke English but whenever she spoke to one of my family members alone, she switched because they switched. It made me really uncomfortable, especially since it wasn’t your typically barely spoken Spanish, it was full on, fluent Spanish and she understood my fast speaking relatives. I got really annoyed with her but said nothing.

My grandma told me how much she loved Katia and how she’s happy I found such an amazing girl. All my family loved her and couldn’t stop singing praises about her.

On our way back, I got really angry with her and when we got to my apartment, I told her that I feel betrayed that she hid she spoke Spanish and how she made a fool of me out there. I admit I was shouting because I was so angry. I felt humiliated.

She asked me to calm down and told me she never hid anything. I accused her of sneakily making her way into my family instead of having them warm up gradually . She asked if I was being serious and I confirmed. She called me a jerk and left my apartment. I was too angry to stop her.

I am waiting for her to call me with apologies, but she hasn’t been in touch since Saturday night. I told my brother about it and he told me I am the fool but I really feel disrespected by Katia. AITA for getting angry and shouting she hid she spoke my language?

NOTE: OOP declared the asshole

UPDATE

“AITA for demanding my sister stops being friends with my ex because it’s betrayal?”

NOTE: This post was removed, but the update was preserved in the comments by the subreddit bot.

Link:

I’ve had a problem before and this place gave me a reality check and now I have a problem with another person and need to know who’s the asshole.

I broke up with my girlfriend for the second time a few weeks ago. We’ve had some issues that we couldn’t get past so we decided to end it. But during the time we were together, my sister (f26) and my ex (f28) became best friends.

I thought that once we break up, my sister, Flor, will stop seeing my ex, Katia. I didn’t ask her, I just assumed because that’s what family does, you don’t stay in touch with your brother’s ex.

It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t heard from Katia and my sister hasn’t mentioned her either. Just yesterday, I drove to my sister’s house because she offered me some canned food and homemade jars of veggies and jams. Money’s been tight so I took her up on her offer.

We didn’t plan to meet at a specific hour so I just dropped off whenever I had the time. When I got inside (my BiL let me in) I was shocked to find that Katia was there. I thought she was there for me and told her upfront to not beg to get me back because it ain’t happening.

She looked at me and told me she’d never want me back and said she’s here for Flor and they’re having a pizza movie night.

I got really angry. I asked my sister what the hell she thought she was doing, thag she is betraying her own blood by stayi mg friends with her and that she must stop being friends with Katia because it’s unacceptable and I’ll tell our family that she’s betraying us.

She told me our family knows and to stop being a baby, she’s not going to listen to me. My BiL came in to see what’s going on, when he found out he called me an asshhole and kicked me out. On my way I told my sister that if they broke up I’d never be friends with my bil and that’s she’s an awful sister.

My mother just called me and told me to get a grip and grow up. I also got a phone call from my cousins and aunts. My sister basically told our whole family.

I genuinely thought I was right but everyone’s been on my case so I want to check who’s the asshol (my sister or I) to know how to continue. AITA for demanding my sister is not friends with my ex?

Note: This is the last post from OOP's account so I'm marking this as concluded.

I am not OOP. OOP is They posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: incest, possible grooming/pedophilia

Mood Spoiler: pretty dark and gross

May 18, 2024

I just need a place to let this out.

Last week, I (29F) caught my husband Jack (30M) cheating on me with his stepsister Claire (24F).

I went out with a friend last Saturday and planned to stay at her house. Jack didn't want to be alone all night, so he said he'd just go hangout with his stepsister (they've always been close), and they ended up going to a bar.

I was feeling unwell and just wanted my bed, so I decided to get an Uber and head home.

I was not expecting to walk in on them having sex on the couch... I literally threw up on the floor by the front door.

They told me they were drunk and it just kinda happened. I screamed at them both to leave. Jack refused to leave and refused to sleep on the couch, so I ended up leaving anyways and went back to my friend's.

I am still in shock that he actually slept with Claire. I think I'm gonna file for a divorce. I am so overwhelmed and uncomfortable.

Has anyone else gone through this? Please message me if so, I feel very alone and confused. Also, do I tell their parents that's why we're gonna get a divorce?! I've been isolating myself a lot because of this.

Relevant Comments:

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I’m guessing this wasn’t the first time. I’m sorry OP. Please don’t hesitate to tell people why you are divorcing so he doesn’t have the opportunity to paint you as the bad guy.

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Wow. I am so sorry OP. Definitely tell their parents.

I’m curious, how long have they been step siblings?

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Their parents got married when he was 10 and she was 4... It makes me kinda sick that they've been in each other's lives since they were young and could actually do this. They've always said they consider themselves as full siblings, so this is really disturbing.

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They probably said that to throw you off. Sorry, they’ve probably been doing this for a very long time.

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I agree. I feel like something like this doesn’t just happen after so many years of living as “siblings”. It may have been going on for a while but what worries me is since when? There is a 6yr age difference here. Even if they did wait until she was 18 (he’d be 24), just the fact that he could look at her as anything other than his bratty lil sister is very disturbing and concerning. So run sounds like way too much to deal with that is not your responsibility.

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You think? Even ignoring the step sister element, he took a girl into your home knowing you wouldn't be there to fuck her, I'm gonna bet is not the first time something like this happened, get proof, lawyer up, and tell the family.

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Has she tried calling you?

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Yes, Claire tries texting me everyday to apologize, and is begging me not to tell anyone.

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It's not your burden to keep their shameful betrayal a secret. The faster you tell ppl and get it out in the open, the sooner this will all be over.

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If they have been step siblings since ages 10 and 4, not only would I expect them to see each other as siblings, I’d also expect him to see her as his “little” sister. When he hit puberty, she would’ve just been 7ish years old, and it strikes me as kind of predatory for him to see her sexually, even if they are both consenting adults now, because that attraction wouldn’t just have randomly developed after all this time. It would’ve been there - acted upon or not - for many years, likely while he was an adult and she still a minor.

May 23, 2024 (5 days later)

I wanted more information on how long it’s been going on and at what age it started, so I decided to text Claire. I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone if she answered my questions. She agreed to tell me everything.

I asked her when they first had sex. At first she told me it was their first time, but I told her I’m not believing that, she then confessed that their first time was right before she turned 18… I am so disgusted and extremely concerned.

Then I asked her if it’s still been happening since then, and she said no. She explained that they did it when she was 17, and never did it again until last week. I don’t think I can trust her though. Idk.

She also told me that Jack is the one who initiated sex, but who knows if that’s the truth, it very well could be though.

Jack and I have been together for 5 years (married for 2). We were gonna start trying for a baby soon, so I’m crushed. I wasted so many years of my life with this man, idk who he even is right now.

I lied to Claire though. I 100% planned on telling their parents. Some of you say that it would be wrong to do so, but because it happened when she was 17, I felt like they needed to know, and deal with it however they choose.

They didn’t believe me at first, until I showed them the screenshots of mine and Claire’s conversation. They still seem to be in denial a little bit, I don’t blame them though.

I told them I’m filing for divorce and that I am moving on with my life. They gave me a hug and said they’d speak to both of them, but I told my MIL that I didn’t wanna know anything else, and to please let me live in peace. She’s gonna respect that.

I more than likely won’t have more updates, but I wanted everyone to know that I’m for sure getting a divorce and gonna find a therapist because I’m depressed and need the support to move on.

Thank you to everyone who was kind and gave me advice and support.

Relevant Comments:

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Good luck to you! I wish you nothing but the best.

Does stbx feel any remorse at all?

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Nope. He’s being very cold towards me and refuses to leave the house so I’ve been staying with my friend. 

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A lot of times when I was working with younger clients, they lied to me about certain parts of their stories, and oftentimes, their lies had a part that was true. It is very well possible that she was younger than she “almost 18”, so the truth is that she was underage, the lie is about the timeline. Just saying.

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Also, if sex happened at 17, then there had to be significant grooming leading up to it. Contrary to what PornHub would have us believe, step-siblings don't just suddenly decide to blink for shits and giggles (and horny, one-handed clicks). 🤮

Edit: blink = boink 😂

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While she’s certainly not innocent at her age now, he was 23 and she was 17 when this started…he’s a grooming creep, you’re dodging a bullet. But I’m sorry you’re going through this

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They had been step-siblings for years before she turned 17... it was absolutely grooming.

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The beginning age of 17 was also given by a person caught fucking their sibling. How truthful do we think this number really is..? 🤢

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Don’t leave the house. That can be thought of as abandoned property.

Get an attorney. One who specializes in nasty divorces. You want a shark for this.

Ask for the divorce record to be kept private (or not, if you want to be able to refer people to court notes)

Engage a therapist. Not because you need one right now, but because, trust me, there will be days where you will.

Separate bank accounts, take your name off of the joint ones after your lawyer tells you to. Have your official documents somewhere safe - DL, SS card, house note, car notes, spare money, bank vault stuff etc

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I know people are saying you told the parents out of petty revenge, but I think you were right to tell them. Who knows what your husband would have told his parents about the reasons for the divorce, in order to hide his own wrongdoings. He might have started telling them, and others, that it was YOU who cheated. Believe me, I've seen it happen. It's important that you've set the record straight

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I’m weirdly proud of you, that took such courage and you handled it with incredible dignity. I wish you well as you start to pick up the pieces. I know this is the furthest thing from your mind but one day you will meet someone who will make you glad you left Jack.

Editor's Note: OOP has said she won't update any further. I hope she gets out of this mess, divorces him, and gets safe and happy in the future, but I don't expect an update, so I am marking it concluded.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am not OOP. OOP is and they posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: sudden death

Mood Spoiler: heavy, with a lot of grief, but also uplifting in how the family supports one another

May 6, 2024

My fiancé (27M, I’ll call him Mike) and I (28F) are about to be married in August. However, his brother (23M, I’ll call him Steve) just passed away yesterday.

I’m sorry, but this is kinda heavy. Steve was involved in an accident on his way to work yesterday. I won’t go into details, but Steve was even rushed to the hospital and had a chance to talk to Mike. However, after a few hours, the doctor told us he’s gone.

Mike and I were asleep when someone called about Steve’s condition. Of course, we hurriedly drove to the hospital. No bathing, no breakfast, no nothing. We just put on the first decent clothes we grabbed then rushed. I also just bought some food from the hospital cafeteria while Mike was in the waiting room as it has been almost 12 hours since we last ate.

This is the first time I saw Mike being really emotional and lost. Usually, he’s very funny and lighthearted. He could always find a silver lining in any situation, and he can make me laugh however terrible my mood is. He’s also usually sharp-witted. He’s also the type of guy who always knows what to do in every situation. If ever we’re lost on a remote island in an exotic area with no money, phones, or maps, for sure Mike would know how we’d find our way home (also, he’ll find a way for us to enjoy our stay there). Now, I can’t even talk to him properly because he’s just staring at a wall and he’s like mumbling to himself. It really feels like he’s a different person. We haven’t talked about and processed everything because it all happened so fast. Of course, I’m not blaming him for anything given what happened. We’re both still in shock, and I can’t even imagine how terrible he feels right now.

As for Steve, he’s really like a brother to me. Mike and I have been together since high school, so for more than 10 years, Steve and I have been treating each other like siblings. He’s like Mike’s carbon copy in terms of humor and intellect. We had a really tight bond, so we had a lot of inside jokes, teasing, ganging up on Mike, and giving each other advice. I looked back to our last conversation, and his last message to me last night was “Yoyoyo, our dream photog confirmed earlier!! Your prenup shoot is a go for June 1st!! So excited!!” and I didn’t even reply to him because I was busy with work. I also read back our conversation history, and I’ve been crying and laughing simultaneously because of all his stupid jokes. He even asked me if I had cute cousins or friends that could be his date to the wedding.

Also, Mike and Steve were really close. Their mom passed away when Steve was born, and their dad had been bedridden due to stroke since 2015, and he passed away last 2021. They also don't have other relatives they know of. Through these years, Mike had been his family’s breadwinner, and he also supported Steve financially through his high school and college years. Their relationship was really weird to me because I was used to having a lot of fights and passive-aggressiveness with my sisters, but with them, it’s like they’re always getting along??? Their most major rift I can recall was when Steve mistakenly ate the burger that Mike brought home and was reserved for me, but then we all just laughed it off after they talked it out. Even when Steve came out as gay, he really thought Mike would disown him because of their very religious upbringing, but Mike accepted him wholeheartedly. Mike’s even the one constantly teasing Steve with his crushes (like Harry Styles and the Cobra Kai guy). It was even Mike who’s always more excited when we’re going to Pride March with Steve and his friends.

Right now, Mike’s really lost. When they were orphaned, my family essentially “adopted” them. Right now, as I’m typing this in our apartment, my parents are with Mike, along with my aunt who’s a nurse, giving him emotional support and guiding him with whatever needs to be processed (medical, legal, police, etc.). My sister also volunteered to do all his stuff (chores, paperwork, coordination with his work, etc.). I just came home now to get some clothes and to notify my work that I’ll be out for the week, then I’ll meet them at the police station later.

My dad also offered that to cover all the expenses, but Mike refused. He said that since Steve is his brother, he wants to do this himself as a way to honor Steve, but my dad insisted, so we’re covering 50% for now to help lighten Mike’s burdens.

Right now though, my dilemma is… do we still push through with our wedding? I know this sounds shallow, petty, and insensitive given everything happening, but I still need to think about the practical side of things. I mean, we’re fortunate to have some hefty funds allotted for the wedding, but it’s not to the point that we can afford to have a lot of it go to waste, so I have to think about our financials. We have a prenup shoot in three weeks, we’re currently in talks with the reception venue, and we have appointments with food, flower, and other suppliers in the upcoming weeks. We’ve also booked other things (the church, the band, and the hair and makeup artist), so I need to know if anything has to be canceled (hopefully, we can get refunds, but I’d understand if it’s not possible anymore). Plus, a lot of our friends and my relatives have already confirmed (some have even booked flights since they’re coming from other countries). I haven’t really talked to Mike or my parents about any of this.

I really don’t want to bring anything up because of what happened to Steve, but I feel like I have to step up in this aspect so it doesn’t add to Mike’s burdens.

Above all, it really feels wrong not to have Steve there. Not just for Mike, but for me too. He was always the one who helped patch things up whenever Mike and I had misunderstandings and minor fights, and he was also Mike’s accomplice when he proposed to me. He was also supposed to be Mike’s best man. I don’t know how we should forward with this. Of course, my priority is Mike’s well-being, as well as our future family’s, but I also have to balance it out by thinking of our finances.

There, I’m really sorry if this post has been such a long, incoherent, heavy mess, but I hope you can help me out. Usually, it’s really Mike who knows what to do in situations like these, but our brains are all scrambled and I’m having difficulty collecting and organizing my thoughts.

PS. Steve, I know you’re up there. I hope you know that your brother and I love you so much! I hope you’re much happier, and I hope you can find a baby blue cardigan because I know you get cold easily and that’s your favorite color. I really really really miss you, and I still hope this is all just a bad dream. I pray that when I wake up tomorrow, you’re in the kitchen, drinking your super sweet coffee I always tease you for. But in any case, don’t worry about Mike. I got him. Rest well. We love you!

EDIT: I'm sorry for previously mixing up Steve and Mike in some paragraphs. I was so scatterbrained when I wrote this.

Relevant Comments:

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If you need to keep busy and feel productive right now,  I'd suggest contacting all your wedding vendors and asking them about the options,  whether postponing or canceling, and what the time frames for moving events or getting refunds are.  Don't commit to anything,  just tell them that you've had a death in the family and would like to know all the options before bringing it up with your fiance.  

This way,  you'll have all the info, you won't need to stress Mike out with organizing and phone calls,  and you two can just look at the notes and make the call.  See if you can postpone the prenuptial shoot, as 3 weeks isn't a lot of time to process,  and he'll be focused on the funeral.  After the funeral (not after as in when people have just left)  you can tell him that you got the info from the vendors for when he's ready to talk about it.  

My condolences to you both. 

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Your fiancé's brother died yesterday.

Yesterday.

Give it a minute. Everybody's in shock. Maybe help your fiancé make it through the day and don't worry about the wedding for now.

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Yeah, I guess I'm also in shock but I just don't know how to help Mike and this was the first thing that came to mind. You're right, thank you

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I'm sorry for the tragedy you and your family are going through. I am sure it's quite a shock for your fiancé.

It's hard to say whether the right answer is to delay the wedding or to go through with it, my only advice would be to give it a bit of time if the situation allows for it for the dust to settle and the grieving processing to run its course before making any potentially life changing decisions. Moving forward with the wedding could be a good way to help deal with the pain of not having your brother in law around any more, and act as a celebration of your wedding vows and your brother in law's life. I would follow your fiancé's lead but maybe give it a bit of time before approaching.

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His only living family member died in a traumatic way….Sometimes when there is a tragedy, things have to go to “waste.” You do not sound like you are in a financial bind necessarily. Even if you lost a lot of the wedding funds, would it be more important for your fiance to grieve and have support, or to have money for a lavish wedding? People would typically understand if you had to cancel your wedding due to this. I am guessing you are shell shocked and your mind wants to escape the grief and your wedding plans are a place to go. Sorry for your loss. Consider the circles of grief, you are on an outside ring so only pour comfort in to the inner circle (aka fiancé). If I had to guess, your fiance might not be in the best place to do a prenup photo shoot or meet with vendors. Can you repurpose the photographer to do something for the funeral services if they are happening?

May 21, 2024

Hi, so just a quick update no one really asked for.

Mike and I are not pushing through with the wedding for the time being.

While I was posting on Reddit asking strangers and stressing out about what to do, Mike apparently still has a handle on things despite everything. 2 days after we received the news about Steve's (Mike's brother) passing, Mike talked to me, asking me if it was alright if we could postpone the wedding for now. He was very apologetic to me and I could tell his mind was still trying to keep up with everything that was happening. I told him not to worry about it, and I reassured him that me and my family are by his side through this.

Mike was still very much shell-shocked by everything that happened. My sisters and their boyfriends took over coordinating with our wedding vendors, suppliers, and guests. I'm so grateful that everyone was accommodating enough to understand our situation. We either got a full refund or were allowed to reschedule at a later date for each of our vendors. Our guests who had already booked flights were also very gracious and pretty much just wanted to commiserate with me and Mike.

My nurse aunt took care of all the hospital procedures and paperwork, while my dad has been walking Mike through all the police and legal proceedings related to Steve's passing. My mom took care of the funeral, and it was a beautiful service. Steve's friends also organized a separate memorial tribute for him, and I really felt how much Steve was loved by the people he touched. My only job throughout all this was to look after Mike, making sure he ate and slept (even though it was difficult), and just assuring him that I'm here for him.

Mike and I went home to our apartment last Saturday. It was his first time back since, and it was also the first time we were alone since Steve's passing. When we got to our bedroom, Mike asked if he could have a few moments alone. It was the first time he cried and broke down, and he was screaming through his pillows and all (but I could still hear him back in our kitchen). We've decided to look into grief counseling, and we're having our first sessions tomorrow (we're going separately).

As for our wedding, I assured him that there's absolutely no pressure. I'll be right here waiting whenever he's ready. Now that we've gone through the past two weeks, looking back, me stressing out about finances and all really seemed so trivial compared to the emotional, physical, and mental roller coaster we experienced. I can't even begin to imagine what Mike is going through, but I know he'll get through this.

That's it. Just wanted to share this update with anyone who cares.

PS. Steve, you know I made sure you looked fabulous even in your final moments. We miss you so much, dear! We love you!

Relevant Comments:

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It’s very touching how your whole family came together to help. I’m sure Mike appreciates it. Thank you for the update!

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My heart is breaking for you. The way you speak about and to Steve shows just how much love you have for him. I’m just an internet stranger but I want you to know that it may never go away but the pain will get easier.

Just keep seeing there for each other and loving each other and remembering Steve and the way that you all love and care for each other ❤️

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I lost my younger brother 30 years ago, shortly after he turned 18.

The first year is a blur of firsts without him. After that things settle down.

I'm glad you decided to postpone the wedding, giving all of you time to grieve his loss.

Sending gentle comforting hugs if wanted.

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OP, please remember to look after yourself as well. Caring people such as yourself also need help, support, reassurance and care.

Editor's Note: OOP didn't comment on the last post and has not been active for a month. They may update in the future, but it seems less likely, so I am marking this inconclusive. If you disagree with this tag, let me know. I really wasn't sure about this one!

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 10th June 2024

- 18th June 2024

Entitled coworker was not invited to a coworker's birthday party and thinks she gets to be an asshole all day

I work in a small office, five of us and the boss. We all work from home. One coworker is a real toxic asshole. She is mean, rude, condescending and an all around unpleasant person.

One coworker had her 30th birthday party yesterday. It was one of those painting places where everyone watches the instructor and paints. I had no idea she wasn't invited until this morning.

She was like a pit viper all morning, being mean, rude and insulting, showing everyone mistakes they made months ago, taking personal digs at each of us, called the birthday celebrant fat (entitled one is 300 pounds and 5'5 lol) and yelled at me for not answering the phone fast enough.

She finally asked me why so and so didn't invite her to her party. I told her to ask her, but if she's pissed she wasn't invited, she doesn't get to treat everyone horribly all day.

She finally confronted the birthday girl who told her

"You're mean and hard to be around, and I don't like you. That's why."

She's been silent since then, thankfully.

Comments

Ghostyped

Lessons learned from the toxic asshole? None. But my goodness would I love to be a fly on that wall. Good for your co worker telling the truth

ununseptimus

Learned from her? Plenty. Namely, 'avoid, avoid, avoid.' Learned by her? Not a one.

DynkoFromTheNorth

Her silence means she's still processing this.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 8 days later

On Sunday, the entitled coworker needed help. Her car broke down. She asked me to give her a ride to the vet. Her dog needed shots. I gave her a ride. She lives a bit far from her vet, so we were in the car for about 45 minutes. She was actually pleasant and said she understands why people always reject her. She knows her personality is awful, but can't seem to shake the victim mindset. According to her, her upbringing was unmitigated hell. She said she knows that's no excuse, but she really has tried to be a better person.

After hearing her story and what she went through, I wasn't ready to invite her over to hang out, but I had a better understanding of why she is why she is. Pain, rejection, shame, etc.

We went to lunch after we dropped the dog off and had a few drinks and had fun. She was actually fun.

My boss is in Europe right now. He just had a Zoom with the office. She had a fatal heart attack shortly after I dropped her off on Sunday.

My last interaction with her was positive. She enjoyed the last couple of hours of her life. Good, but I feel weird.

Maybe, instead of seeing the negative in my coworkers, I should focus on their good qualities. Here one minute, gone the next.

I also had have my cat euthanized last week. Not a fan of June thus far.

**Her dogs are safe with the person she willed them to.

To the naysayers, yes, this is a true story, but if you want it to be a lie, you can think that

Comments

AnxiousAudience82

That was a twist I didn’t see coming. Good for you for helping her out with her dog, it’s nice that one of her last interactions were positive.

Sorry about your cat, mine passed last Wednesday. June sucks

OOP: My cat died last Wednesday too. June sucks, indeed.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Mood Spoiler: Happy ending so far

I added paragraphs for readability.

Original : June 12, 2024

I (22F) and my fiance (23M) are going on our first trip together. I'm really excited as this is my first time on a plane, and even leaving the state I've lived in my whole life. We've been planning for this trip since earlier this year, and we've gotten our tickets as well as accommodations. All together, we've already spent about $4500 USD on everything, which has been something we've been saving for as we're both college students.

Our trip is in about a month, and in comes my friend, we'll call her Ashley (22F), who's been my friend for about a year. She'd brought up going to Japan as well, kind of jokingly, when we told her about the trip. I didn't think she was serious, but then she brought it up a few more times, even saying that she had a family member she could stay with. She asked if she could spend some time during the days joining us on our adventures while this family member was at work. I was supportive of this idea, as I know this would be her first time to Japan as well, and I care about her.

However, all of a sudden, she told me she wanted to get the tickets, but her family member no longer would have space for her to stay. She wants to know if she can stay in our accommodations and join us on our flight back home. I let her know that our accommodation has strict rules against having more than 2 people, and there's only one small bed in this studio. She said she'd be fine sleeping anywhere on the floor or couch, etc. I told her that I'd feel more comfortable if we didn't chance a fee or getting in trouble in general, as I really just want a comfortable stay. I told her that we're still willing to spend time with her during the day, and I began sending her accommodations in her budget. I was hoping this would be enough.

Instead, she's just asking if we can cancel our accommodations and pay for larger accommodations that can have a bed for her as well. Mind you, she's not saying she will help us pay for the more expensive accommodation or anything else for that matter. She simply just wants to stay with us and for us to pay for a different accommodation. It seems like no matter what I say, she just keeps trying to manipulate me into letting her stay with us. This is also hard cause I know my fiance and I really wanted this to be a romantic trip for us both, as we likely won't be able to afford another for a few years as we finish school. I'm just stuck on what to say or do, and if I'm the asshole here. Should I be okay with my friend staying in our accommodation and joining in on our trip?

Update/ Note: As I'm reading the comments, there's a lot saying that I should be upfront about it being a romantic trip. When I first told her about the trip, I did tell her this is basically going to be our honeymoon. I may have said it jokingly to her, but I did mean it. My fiance and I have been talking about going to Japan since we got together 8 years ago. I thought this honeymoon comment as well as me bringing up activities like making our anniversary cake at a shop in Kyoto - clearly set the tone in which I planned this trip to be. I do agree that I should reclairfy that this is a romantic trip, but I feel uneasy that she'd receive this well, as she's shut down all my logical reasons.

I was hesitant when she brought up spending some time with us, but I thought maybe it was just something nice to do? I get that's a romantic trip, but my fiance was fine with it and supported her coming along on some of the more normal things like going to universal, since it was only going to be a few days of our trip (like 4 out of the 30+ days we'll be there) that she'd want to be with us. She originally said she'd only be in japan a week, and she'd only need to be with us while her family members at work from 7am-5pm ish. But now, things have changed, and she's saying it could be longer.

I do have trouble with boundaries, and I always want to be the one helping people out when I can- which doesn't seem to work out for me, but I'm working on it. But, as she has been pushing for the last few hours no matter what I say, I've been getting more upset. I just didn't know if I was being selfish towards a friend in need. Now, I can definitely see that this was probably the plan all along, and she isn't in a tight spot. She just wants to use us. This realization does hurt as I thought we had gotten really close in our shared major, but I guess she really doesn't care about my feelings like I care about hers cause ultimately I just didn't want to hurt her. She recently got dropped out of our major, so I thought she was just really sad and needed a pick me up.

Update (Same Post): June 14, 2024 (2 days later)

UPDATE: I ended up refusing for the 10th time but told her no bluntly and as clearly as possible. As you guys have said, "no" was a sentence used. I also made sure to say that I wasn't down with changing anything and that I want to spend time with only my fiance. That I've been trying to nicely say no, but I don't appreciate getting manipulated nor having my partners and I's feelings ignored. She said, "we've been talking about this trip for so long. Why didn't we just work it out earlier? It's not my fault that this is last minute. Why won't you just do this one? It's not much different, but there's an extra bed. " and sent me a link to a specific accommodation. (Where the 2 beds are side by side just BTW, I'm weirded out.) She basically ignored what I said, so I have ignored her since.

We're in the same friend group, so I think it's probably going to get weird. But honestly, I'm okay with that. Regardless of how that goes, my fiance and I will be going alone and not meeting up her or anyone anywhere during our trip.

I'm going to work on the saying no thing and setting harder boundaries. I just had an abusive upbringing, and I'm still working on it all. I keep needing to remind myself that I'm not in that place anymore.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in

Mood Spoiler: yikes but a happy ending

Mood Spoiler/Author's Note: I literally smacked my forehead reading this

Original : June 8, 2024

(Throwaway because I’m not sure if my family uses Reddit lol)

So a little to my background: I am a tattoo artist. I’ve done an apprenticeship the first year of tattooing. I work as a tattoo artist for 4 years now and I opened a studio recently.

Me and my family are invited to a wedding, that is taking place in another state. My Cousin is marrying and we got the invitation a few months ago. Time has moved forward and now the wedding is in a week already. Out of the blue my Cousin, let’s call him Matt, texted me with something along the lines of „you’re gonna tattoo me on my wedding day“. I was a bit confused as I never even thought of bringing my equipment, since I also didn’t plan a guestspot or anything. (guestspot is a tattoo artist working at an other studio for a few days or weeks, mostly in a different area to grow the clientele) I jokingly asked if he has a machine, as i still hoped that he wasn't serious. He then just asked if I don't have one (???) and that one machine wouldn't take up that much space to take with. I replied that I didn’t plan on bringing my equipment, that in fact contains more than just a machine (color, hygiene stuff, stencil(thats the purple stuff you put on the skin to then trace the tattoo with actual needles) etc) and that I'm not prepared to tattoo at a wedding of which i don't know anything about (layout of the location, is it inside/outside and so on) He then said that he had planned on this and that it would mean a lot to him to both get a tattoo on his wedding day and that I'd be the one to tattoo him. Remember that this is the first time I'm hearing this. I again tried to explain that I don't feel comfortable with that and that it’s quite short notice as I work until me and my brother fly over to attend the wedding and a tattoo needs to be designed first, right? He saw my message but didn’t reply anymore. This morning my mother called and she was furious… she asked why I couldn’t pull my shit together and just tattoo Matt. I told her what I’ve previously told Matt as well but she didn’t wanna hear it. She just said it would mean a lot to her and Matt‘s family if I’d do that and that it could be my wedding gift then she hung up.

I talked to my brother about it and he just shrugged it off and said „it would be nice of you tho“

I’m unsure what to do now, as I said I’m not really comfortable with the whole situation, especially because I’ve never been guestspotting, so I never had to travel -let alone get on a plane- with my equipment. But is that just selfish? I mean it would mean a lot to apparently everyone and I’m just saying no?

EDIT:

1. I do have an actual wedding gift already as they sent out a wishlist with their invitations. There was a point that said Artwork, because they recently moved into a bigger house and apparently they want random artwork to decorate. I oil painted them a painting i spent several days on, so I also don't plan to give him a voucher as a gift.

2. Matty doesn't have any tattoos as far as I know.

3. I don't know what my mom's problem is with all of this, I think she just wants to "keep the peace"

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: If Matt had his heart set on this happening at his wedding then he should have discussed it with you as soon as possible, NOT ONE WEEK BEFORE!! Jeez he knows a tattoo is permanent right? He wants you to just show up with kit in an unsterile environment and what, just wing out a design on him? No prep, no planning? All on his wedding day? It would have been better he has contacted you and gotten the tattoo done before the wedding, then he could have revealed with at the ceremony, all healed etc. Getting it done on the day, for what reason? This just seems silly AF.

But mainly, not your problem. He should have given you more notice. That's on him. Maybe offer to do it at your shop after the wedding? Tell them you'll look for inspiration for the design at their wedding so it can be unique to their day?

OOP: I especially don’t understand why I should tattoo at a wedding since you can’t (or shouldn’t) combine getting tattooed with drinking alcohol and knowing Matt, there will be plenty of Alcohol at this wedding

Commenter: Really - and does that mean you can’t drink as well? This would be a hard NO from me.

OOP: Yea I wouldn’t be able to drink either, but up until now I haven’t even thought of that!

Commenter: It's inappropriate of him to expect you to work for free at an event to which you're a guest.  

Are you even licensed to tattoo in the other state?  

The entire thing sounds ludicrous.  Tell your cousin your hourly rate (build in the PIA rate for hauling your equipment) and he needs to cover your flights and hotel.  After all, flying in a trained professional to perform a service costs money.  Oh, and he needs to pay up front since this is a special service.

OOP: I am actually licensed. And I mean I would ask for money but apparently they planned this as a wedding gift, like my mom suggested. I can’t imagine what they are even thinking

Commenter: "They planned this as a wedding gift..." From you? 'Cause that's pretty presumptuous and against some kind of, like, wedding etiquette. I always thought any mention of gifts by the wedding couple was some kind of faux pas. NTA.

OOP: Especially since they have an actual list of things they want to be gifted! I mean there was a point that said artwork but if they wanted me to tattoo Matt as a gift they could and should’ve reached out as they sent out their list.

Commenter: And is there a honeymoon happening right after the wedding? If they're going anywhere where swimming is involved, he won't be able to swim with a fresh tattoo.

OOP: I thought of that too, they are going to Bali… I doubt that he had considered not being able to go swim or being in the sun at all

Commenter: They're being unreasonable and making things weird for no reason. NTA and I just wouldn't go if they keep being like this.

OOP: I did think about not attending. It would be sad not to but this is also very uncomfortable and I don’t think everyone has let go of it by then…

Commenter: NTA, but disclaimer im petty, i would find out who the bride is and tell her. this would hijak the wedding. explain to her or her moh or mom that you would need several hours to set up, clean, do the actual tattoo that this would take over her whole wedding. then sit back and watch the shitfest.

OOP: Im actually not sure if the bride is in on this or not. I’m not close with her at all

Commenter: Does he have any other tattoos so that he understands how long it could end up taking? He could theoretically want anything at this point. This is such a ridiculous request.

OOP: I don’t think he has any tattoos and with that no concept on how tattooing actually works

Update : June 10, 2024 (2 days later, Originally posted on AITA)

Since my update got banned Bcs I posted another update:

So the last hours have been a lot First of I called my mom and WOW she asked me again, this time very friendly, if I want to tattoo Matty at his wedding & again I said no, with all the reasons I’ve previously given her + some of the very good points you guys had. Before she could say anything else, I added that I felt like she wouldn’t take me & tattooing seriously. She didn’t say anything for a bit until she tried to explain that she really thought it wasn’t a big deal. I told her again that it is and that my mom of all the people should know how my job works. She agreed and apologised profusely. I then asked her if she’d like to attend and watch me work on a clients appointment and to my surprise she said yes! (Mom is tagging along tomorrow)

Now to Matty or rather his bride: I finally got hold of the bride, let’s say her Name is Becky, and asked her about the request her fiancé confronted me with. She seemed surprised as she apparently had heard from my aunt that I made them something for their new house. She assumed it would be a painting since I’m „the artist“ of the family and it’s known that I also paint. I confirmed that, but that Matty has come forward with this out of the blue and that it’s not a good idea for many reasons. She agreed with me immediately (I think she does have tattoos) She thanked me for telling her as no one else did. Becky seemed really mad but she seemed to pull herself together. (I would’ve lost it)

I’m assuming Becky confronted Matt after our call because only 3 to 4 hours later I checked the family groupchat and there was a message from Becky: „There will be no ceremony on the 13th as Matt and I decided we aren’t getting married. Matt and I have things to figure out so please text or call us tomorrow if you have questions, for the rest of the day we’ll be on flight mode“

After dinner Becky called me and apologised for Matt again, she said it was a stupid idea of his and that he just thought it would be cool. She then informed me that she still wants me to fly over for the wedding day as she will be hosting a party instead of a wedding. Everything is paid for anyways and she doesn’t want anything to go to waste. I asked if they broke up „not yet, but I’m gonna stay at my sisters place until next week“. I’m assuming Matt hasn’t been too great but I’m sure I’ll hear about it. (Apparently my brother and my mom aren’t invited lol) My call must’ve been the last straw but as far as I am concerned Becky is handling it gracefully and Matt will be okay too, I’m sure. So I’m going to a party but did I just make a new friend?

Thanks y’all for having my back!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Lol, I love how mom went a full 180 there!

I'm a little shocked the bride canceled the wedding over this one thing — did she just have no clue her fiance was as impulsive as he turned out to be?

Everything is payed for anyways

Paid, please. This is the worst trend on the internet.

OOP: I don’t think it’s the only thing that has happened, but as I said I’ll probably hear about it at the party, and if not from Becky, I’m sure there are some of her friends that like to spill the tea

Update 2: June 14, 2024 (4 days later, 6 from OG post)

Welcome back, I’m finally done writing this! Thanks to everyone coming back and reading this, I appreciate y’all and loooove that you are enjoying the tea!

So because a lot of you wanted to know how the bring-your-mom-to-work-day was: I picked her up in the morning and we headed to the studio. I showed her around, told her a few background stories about some of the artworks and photos that are hanging on our walls and explained her my routine as I prepared everything. My client arrived and I handled it like I usually would, just with my mom sitting there lol. I explained every step of the process and she also asked me questions about my ink, needles, technique etc. It was a lot of fun having her around and she really did surprise me with her openness and interest. When I was done with tattooing my mother had to leave for work, but thanked and hugged me for bringing her along, as she not only enjoyed spending time with me but also loved seeing me doing my job so professionally and said that she sees my work and efforts now.

to the wedding/party: The party started at 14:00 as the ceremony was cancelled. I arrived and was immediately welcomed by Becky’s sister. She hugged me and helped me with my painting. Everyone was outside, drinking and having a small bite already. I went to say hi to Becky and she hugged me warmly. She seemed tired but otherwise fine. Becky was also smiling a lot, which surprised me. I went to mingle as I didn’t want to start off with questioning her lol. I met a lot of her friends and apparently the most of them weren’t too fond of Matt. I heard a few things of how he tried to change Becky to be „more like his ex“ and stuff like that… not a great look Matty.. speaking of, not a single friend or relative of Matt was around. (besides me and one other cousin)

Later as we sat down to eat, I asked if could join Becky’s table. They said yes, so I was sitting with Becky, her sister and three of her friends. I introduced myself to one of them (haven’t talked to him before) and Becky added that I’m Matts cousin, the one who was supposed to tattoo. A simultaneous „OH“ came from everyone. And with that, the conversation was about Matt from the get-go. I asked what happened. The sister just rolled her eyes and was like „what didn’t?“

Becky & friends told me: A while ago Matt has apparently started to pick on Becky for being herself in various ways. It started small like asking her to change her sports routine from workouts to only running, then he criticised her cooking as he prefers to eat more meat and more „traditionally“. (???) They discussed these topics and it always seemed fine, but he didn’t stop. He asked her if she couldn’t let her hair grow or get extensions and speaking of hair, if she couldn’t get them brighte (Becky has shoulder long black hair). More and more seemed to pile up until he also started to make comments along the line of „can’t you be more like my ex“. As I understand it he didn’t say it specifically , but it was clear he meant it like that. (his ex is from Texas) I was shocked, I asked why she didn’t break up because of that but Becky explained that in the situations it didn’t seem as bad as when you list those reasons. She had also made a few changes to „make Matty happy“ but continued to do what she wanted most of the time.

Time went on and the issues resurfaced again and again in different ways. The last big fight was only a few weeks ago, when Matty called Becky by his exes name.. they somehow settled this so let’s skip forward to when I called Becky about the tattoo idea: After our call she went up to Matt and asked him why he didn’t talk to her about it and why he would just decide doing something like that on their wedding day he explained that he wanted to surprise her and stuff like that. Becky went on telling him this wasn’t happening and that she wanted to be able to enjoy the wedding AND their honeymoon.

Again they seemed to agree in the end and he apologised. BUT LATER (this almost threw me) as Becky was starting to cook dinner and Matt was sitting at the counter they talked about tattoos again (apparently really chill discussion about tattoos in general) and Becky asked him playfully what he intended on getting tattooed. He gestured across HIS CHEST and said „ I want my birth date, our wedding date and your birth date, so [insert his bd], [06.13.2024], [insert bd]“.

Becky said she went blind for a millisecond. That third date, was in fact not her birthday. She asked him again and he repeated the same dates. She then said that this isn’t her birth date, he persisted that it was and that she should stop trying to fool him. She said she started to cry and ran to get her purse to show him her drivers license, that’s when his face slipped. He tried to get out of it by making excuses that he isn’t good with dates etc but Becky just went straight to her phone and checked Facebook. She found his exes profile showing HER BIRTHDAY. It was the date he would have gotten TATTOOED ON HIS CHEST, if I hadn’t said no and also called Becky. My dumbass cousin would’ve ended up with the birthday of his ex girlfriend next to his wedding date.

Becky said he more or less told him it was over and that this is enough. She started to immediately reorganise the whole wedding and honeymoon while kicking him out of the house. A bit later she called me back. She also mentioned that she didn’t want to say what happened on the phone as she thought I might tell my family and she really didn’t want to hear about it. Fair, I get that. Becky changed the honeymoon booking and is now taking her best friend. Also if you’re wondering, Becky’s dad is currently the owner of their house as they agreed to slowly pay him back, due to his financial wealth and stability that made more sense this way. As far as I know Becky is going to stay there.

Anyways that’s the tea folks. This was truly a wild ride and I am pretty sure Becky and I are going to be good friends, we really hit it off! I don’t have much dignity left for Matt so I’m not sure I’ll keep the contact at all.

PS: Becky loved my painting!

Wahhhhhhhh

Being knighted does not make you a "member of of the monarchy". Lol.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

I think my marriage ended today.

Glossary: MFI – Male Factor Infertility

Trigger Warnings: Fertility issues, possible infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, drug use, possible immigration fraud

Editor’s Note: the text was saved before the post got deleted

: June 4, 2024

I'm not surprised. I really feel like he's checked out. We've been married 3 years today, together 6. It's halfway through the day and he hasn't acknowledged it at all. I bought us cupcakes and I'm going to stop for flowers and a card on the way home. I'm sure he's going to come home with nothing, act shocked and apologize, or just brush it off and go to his phone.

We've had a dead bedroom since we got married. I can't remember the last time he complimented me unsolicited. Calling me hot, sexy, or beautiful; but he can like the photos of IG models in bikinis. Two years ago I got dressed up in lingerie; I felt insecure because I had put on some weight, but I felt sexy in it. He came upstairs, saw me, and said he was hungry and went downstairs to eat dinner. He left me upstairs for an hour; after he finished eating, he just stayed there. We could go weeks without sex if I didn't push for us to do it, or fucking ask permission to have sex that night.

He doesn't initiate meaningful touch and affection with me anymore. He will shower affection on our pets, including in front of me, but can barely stand to touch me it feels like.

He works ridiculous hours, and even though I asked him not to pick up a second job when his hours changed because long working hours were impacting our time together and our intimacy, he went out and got another job.

We went out for my birthday this weekend. After encouraging me to have another drink, he asked me if I'd be willing to drive us home (he was tired because he chose to go on a sunrise hike that morning and ended up not sleeping for a full 24 hours). I didn't drive back.

I can't remember the last time he bought me flowers for an occasion or "just because".

He used to leave for work in the morning by giving me a kiss, or tucking me back into bed. Now he just leaves without a word.

We have been dealing with MFI for two years because he chose to take anabolic steroids for years, which made him nearly sterile. He lied to me about steroid use multiple times. He has now been off them for some time and his counts are improving. (I am pausing IVF right now.)

He didn't tell me about his immigration status and the fact he had been previously married until a year and a half into our relationship.

He complains about the same things all the time, and when I offer solutions, he doesn't listen. I'll often also say something, and later he'll parrot it back like he came up with it myself. This is especially true of his medical issues that he refuses to follow up on.

We're doing couples counseling. I gave it as an ultimatum in March, after he threatened to divorce me for a second time since we've been married. I made it his responsibility to follow up on the counselors and identify providers. He did, and then never booked anything. It wasn't until three weeks ago when I asked him about it that he said "honestly, I haven't even thought about that."

I also love the "jokes". IE: he says something that makes me upset or hurts my feelings, and then says "relax babe, I was joking!"

He used to be a thoughtful gift giver. He used to be affectionate. He used to look at me like I had stars in his eyes.

I've begged for more intimacy, more touch, more affection, more sex. I feel like I am coercing him into sex now, and that he doesn't even want to do it with me. He just does it with me to get me off his back.

I do 90% of the housework, all of the finances, and all of the vet care for our pets. I recently told him I wanted him to step up more, and he told me that "he'll do stuff, I just need to tell him". I told him "I do things that I see need to be done. Me having to tell you what to do does not alleviate the stress off of me." He stepped up for one day.

My mental health is in shambles. I think I'm a fat, worthless piece of shit. (I'm not. I'm a little overweight, but I work out regularly and I'm curvy). My depression and anxiety has amplified to levels where it is impacting my day to day life.

I'm sorry for this dump. I'm just tired of all of this. I'm realizing today how little I matter. I think I've finally checked out. I'm done initiating, done babying him, done managing him, done mothering him.

: June 5, 2024

Yesterday was our three year anniversary, which was celebrated with a huge fight.

Today, I confronted him about his social media activities. We've had a dead bedroom for three years, and I practically have to claw affection out of him. He's been liking half-naked thirst trap photos of women for the past 2 years of our marriage. These are women that are insanely fit, have huge tits, and post pictures with their ass hanging out.

He has also lied to me in the past about things like his previous marriage status, and his anabolic steroid use. I confronted him twice about the steroids, and he denied it up and down. Only later did I find out I was right.

I told him today I wanted to see who he is messaging on social media, and he refused. At one point, he called me crazy. He said if I can't trust him, we're over. I told him I don't trust him. He absolutely, steadfastly refused to let me see his phone. I told him if he does not show me, that tells me he has something to hide.

He tried to tell me he liked the girls photos "by accident", and the only one he actually did was liking the photos of an OnlyFans creator.

He also used the excuse that other girls have made him do that before and it made their relationships go to shit, and that he has never asked me to see my phone before. I said the reason he has never asked to see what's on my phone is because I've never given him a reason to question my loyalty.

He just left with his wallet and an overnight bag. I don't know where he's going, and I don't give a fuck where he's going. I felt so guilty confronting him because he came in the door excited to see me, but I'm fucking tired.

Even if he came home and showed me his phone, I know I can't trust what I find on it because he probably deleted it.

Additional Information from OOP

He came home. It turned into the nastiest fight of our marriage.

He's basically said he wants a divorce. He doubled down to his usual argument of "I'm the fucking worst, I can't ever do anything right." He says I always do everything right and he's always wrong. So I pointed out his years of stonewalling me and emotional abuse, and it set him off. He told me to shut up. I told him fuck you.

I slammed a door really hard. I admit that wasn't okay. He yelled that I need help (like psychiatric help). I'm now in the bedroom and he's in the living room.

I hate my life.

Relevant Comments

OverratedNew0423: Stick to your guns. 3 years with no intimacy isn't a marriage. Sounds like he married you for other convenient reasons.

OOP: I know he's dealt with low T issues since stopping the steroids, but it doesn't mean we can't be affectionate in other ways. But I have to beg for sex or any kind of meaningful affection. We can go weeks without doing it.

Yep. Low T doesn't prevent you from cuddling, kissing, touching, any non-sexual contact.

Yes, it impacts sex, but I have been begging for other types of intimacy for years and I've been rebuffed. Also he hasn't gone to follow up on his suspected low T issues when his libido didn't come back after stopping steroids.

He's lying to me.

Editor’s Note: the text was saved before the post got deleted

: June 14, 2024

Update to "I think my marriage ended today". You're all going to hate me.

Original:

We ended up going on the weekend trip together. We went on a long hike and a good time. We took photos together. We came home. I feel empty and broken.

He's now keeping his phone face-down at the house. When I asked him if maybe he could post a photo of us from our trip on his IG, he said he would. Two days later and nothing, even though he's been scrolling away on IG daily. I asked him last night and he gave me a "I will babe" without looking at me. There's no evidence of me on his IG since 2019, but he does have me all over his FB.

One of the girls I called him out on as following and liking her sexy pictures has suddenly gone private on her social media. She's also following my husband, and has over 20k followers. She lives several states away according to her posts.

I am so fucking pathetic. I love him and I'm so desperate to rebuild any feeling of trust or love we had at the beginning of our relationship and our marriage. I feel like I am literally going crazy, this is all that I can think about every day. I had nightmares last night that he left me for that girl. There's times that he shows genuine affection, like he was excited to hold my hand going into the store the other day, and when he took care of me the other day when I was sick, but I still have this pit in the bottom of my stomach that something is wrong. Yet here I am still.

I wish he felt the drive to have his hands all over me. That he couldn't keep his hands off me. That he still got me flowers unsolicited. That he commented on Snapchat photos that I sent him with enthusiasm over how beautiful I was. That he sees sexy photos of me that I send him and runs to the bedroom. I'm met with lukewarm enthusiasm or completely ignoring me.

I'm also his sponsor for immigration. We had a genuine dating relationship and got married for genuine reasons. I feel guilty if I'm the reason he is deported.

I am trying so hard to make this work, and I feel like he just doesn't care. I didn't leave him in March when he threatened to divorce me again, and he didn't give a shit about my ultimatum of couples counseling or I'm leaving. He didn't care for months. He doesn't care to post me on his social media.

All I want to do is starve myself so I can be as thin as those girls he likes on social media. Fix my face so I look as perfect as them. Get my boobs done like theirs. Shut off my emotions and just not feel anything anymore. Know the fucking truth so I'm literally not driving myself crazy anymore.

I feel like he stopped loving me or caring about my needs a very long time ago, and I don't know why he's still with me if he doesn't want to put any effort in.

I know you all are going to be angry at me and think I am pathetic. I feel the same towards myself.

: June 14, 2024 (same day, 11 hours later)

Original:

There's a lot of context throughout the comments.

I posted earlier today and got rightfully roasted. I backpedaled on my original post. Went on vacation together this past weekend. Realized nothing changed after. I also shared that I am currently sponsoring him for immigration, and we are at the point of getting his waiver processed. I had a lot of self pitying bullshit in that post too. Wishing I was hot enough like those IG models, because maybe he'd want me then. I literally spent most of today on the cusp of a panic attack. I deleted my update from earlier today because I just couldn't handle all the comments that came in; especially how quickly they came in. I was not mentally in a good place. I really appreciate everyone who was kind and supportive, and also those who told me "girl wtf are you doing?????". I was weak for deleting the post, but I really appreciated the quick outpouring of support and advice.

Something in my gut this afternoon told me to google him.

I found a lawsuit against him from earlier this year, because a debt went to collections. It was not a small amount. I confronted him about it, and it turned into a whole BS thing. I signed up for a fucking legal website account so I could view all the docs and print them.

He tried to tell me he didn't want to stress me out which is why he didn't tell me. Y'all, he hired a fucking attorney behind my back, and admitted he got his second job so he could pay off the debt so I wouldn't know. I almost lost my fucking mind.

I think I grew a little bit of a spine today.

When he tried to justify, I shut him down. When I used the words "lied to me", he corrected me and said he technically didn't lie, he just didn't tell me (!!!). When he threw out a suicide threat, I ignored it. When he told me he was done and threatened divorce again, I asked him if I should take him seriously this time and he told me to do what I want. I confronted him about the IG stuff again, which pissed him off. I pointed out one of the models he is following suddenly turned her account private right after I confronted him last week. Also pointed out again how low T doesn't make someone like only thirst trap photos, yet ignore his wife. Pointed out how he likes their ass photos, but ignored any sexy photos I sent him. Told him I can count on my hands how many times we've had sex this year, and that I initiated every fucking time. Couldn't handle it, so he left on his bike with an overnight bag. Fuck off.

He just drove back for whatever reason, I heard his stupid bike revving in the parking lot. Maybe I'll go back out and flip off our Ring camera again because he likes to check it. He just drove off again.

I reached out to a friend to talk to them about this. I need to finally be real with someone about all this and not shoulder it alone. My grandma died in March, while I was holding her hand. I hope a little sliver of her strength is hiding in me somewhere, and that she gave me some of her strength when she left. She survived an abusive marriage, and went on to have a beautiful life.

God, please give me the strength to stay resolute. I buckled last time, and I don't want to this time. I deserve so much more than this. Please let me keep this spine I grew today, and let me grow an even bigger one.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: I also pulled out my Codependent No More workbook that I haven't touched in six years, and started it last night.

I'm going to take out "Why Does He Do That?" and finish the next chapter this weekend.

My therapist has been awesome coaching me through all this. I have a standing appointment with her and I am looking forward to her support next week.

Relevant Comments

OOP on contacting a lawyer

OOP: I contacted a law firm this morning and requested a consultation. The adrenaline from last night's fight has worn off and now this is just fucking painful.

OOP responds to multiple redditors on taking care of herself first

OOP: I'm trying to. I have a feeling I'm just going to stay in bed all day. Now that this has sunk in, I'm just fucking depressed.

He's ignoring me this morning like I did something wrong. I think I'm starting to see him for who he is. And I know in a day or two, he's going to be begging for forgiveness once this sinks in to him and he calms down. Wonder if he's finally going to find the drive to push for couple's counseling, and suddenly try to be affectionate with me.

This is hard. I'm starting to see that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and how much it's changed me.

I already feel myself wanting to waver. And then I remind myself that I can predict what's going to happen next- he's going to backtrack within the next day or two, tell me I'm right and that he wants to change, improve his behavior for a couple weeks, and then be right back at it. I'm realizing we have the same conversation every 2-3 months, and nothing truly changes.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to +

Previous

Should I be worried about how my husband talks about his female nemesis?

Trigger Warnings: emotional infidelity, emotional manipulation, peer pressure, misplaced guilt, gaslighting

RECAP

- October 30, 2023

I have this itch in my brain that I need to scratch. I (32f) am married to my husband (33m) for 5 years now. Recently, about a year ago, my husband's office hired a new employee, let's call her Jess (25f). My husband would often complain about how stupid she is. Here are some list of complains, she always tries to act smart even though she is a kid, she always laughs at silly little thing which he finds annoying, he sometimes criticized her carefree nature, he once told me she was dressed like a clown (she just wore red lipstick).

It feels like every time he comes from the office it is always him complaining about her or what she did. And usually it is just some normal shit. He told me Jess teases him by calling him an old man. He really hates that. It feels like this girl Jess is always in his mind. The other day we went to shopping. I really liked a red shoe and asked my husband how I looked. He said it will look gorgeous on me. Then out of nowhere he said "Thank god you do not have stinky feet like Jess. She always wears shoes that looks weird on her." And then proceed to say how much he hates her and that she is his nemesis.

This was clearly out of nowhere. The thing that confirmed my suspicion is that he follows jess on Instagram. We were sitting on our couch. I was watching a movie and he was scrolling through Instagram. He was on Jess's page literally binge watching her content. I mean if he hates her and hates everything she does then why is he stalking her? I did bring it up and he said that I am being ridiculous that I should know that he hates Jess. So thinking that there is something going on is making me look insecure. I do not know what to believe. My instincts tell me something else. But logically if he hates someone that much he wouldn't bring them up in every conversation. Where do I go next?

Relevant Comments

Few-Scholar-9900: Your husband's behavior towards Jess seems to be a classic case of "hate-following" on social media, which can be a sign of underlying attraction or obsession, and it's understandable that you're feeling insecure and concerned about it; it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and seeking couples therapy to address any underlying issues.

OP: I feel like there is something he is hiding from me. Eversince Jess came, he was more secretive. He always puts his phone down

Fallen_Hawker: OOP really should read up on the sunk-cost fallacy. Seems like torture for both of them in their current state. Hopefully couples therapy helps them either move forward or break up.

OP: I feel like he is just wasting his time. My husband emotionally cheated but I still feel betrayed. I will never trust him. The relationship will never be the same.

- November 5, 2023

Well I have answers now. They were having an emotional affair. I came to know of it when I checked my husband's phone (don't give me all that crap about privacy). I pressed him hard on it and he admitted he has a thing for her. He had taken day off from work so that they can go hiking or just hangout. He swears he didn't sleep with her or kissed her. I am not sure about that. Their chats look more like banter. I asked him does he like her. He was hesitant but eventually admitted having a crush on her. I asked why? Why does he have a crush on her when she is not someone who he likes. His logic, "She makes me feel alive. She makes me to crazy things and she has an energy that makes me feel special". I am hopeless. For months I have asked him to take a break and we will go to Italy like we always wanted. He made nothing but excuses. I wanted to tell him he is chasing a fantasy. He likes the version of her she presented herself as. But who am I to convince a love sick man who would cheat on his wife of 5 years just because she is not energetic.

I left my house. I am staying with a friend. I haven't decided on divorce yet. I am scared to start over at 32. I want to become a mother but that means I would waste my good years searching for another man. I cannot believe he is falling for the obvious manic pixie dream girl thing. If he really wanted energy and do crazy things why couldn't he just say that? I would love to go hiking, I would love to skip work and just be outside with him all day. Yet he choose a girl he claims he hates but not really. He has been calling and texting me non-stop. He wants to work this out. He even offered to quit and change his job but that's not going to solve anything will it?

Relevant Comments

WolverineNo8799: If the house is in both of your names, move back home, and ask him to leave. He cheated, and he should be the one to move out.. Speak to several divorce attorneys in your area and pick one. Start the divorce process.

Has your husband tried to contact you? Has he cut his AP off?

OP: I don't know. I haven't talked to him in 2 days since I moved here. And the house belonged to his grandma. But I don't want the house. We have spent some good memories there and those are all tainted. His defense is still that I shouldn't feel too bad because he never had a physical affair.

Commentator asks about the support and steps for reconciliation

OP: Thanks, but I think I will take the divorce route. I do not think I will be able to reconcile. He still refuses to tell me the truth. I hardly think there wasn't anything physical between them. I just called a lawyer and set up an appointment.

: November 12, 2023

I do not know how to start this update. For those of you who don’t know, yes I am taking the divorce route. I do not think I can reconcile with him after what he confessed to. The day after I made my last post my husband asked to talk to me. He said he is ready to be truthful because he doesn’t want this to ruin our marriage. He is willing to try therapy and counseling. He said he does have a crush on her and oftentimes did fantasize about Jess. But they are just fantasies. Nothing more. He confessed that though there hasn’t been any physical touch or contact, he did have a moment of weakness and they masturbated in front of each other. He swears he didn’t touch her. They just jerked off in front of each other IN HIS CAR. It was Jess’s idea. She knew about his crush but she has “morals” so they found a weird loophole.

I wish I was joking because this sounds unreal to me. He is still insisting that was the only sexual thing they did. Nothing more. He has been begging me to come back home. He goes from begging to blaming me and when I said I want a divorce he was cursing me. I have served him. I have yet to hear from him or his lawyer. I know some people will say I am making a huge mistake and that I am throwing this out easily but I do not think I will be able to trust him again. If there is no trust in a relationship then what is there?

I am surprised my parents were on my side. My mom told me I shouldn’t have to beg someone to love me or respect me. Him lying to me was a huge disrespect. That a relationship cannot survive if there is no respect. Also, I think I offended a lot of people from my last post because they thought I was saying women over 30 are old. I do not think that. But I grew up in a culture where women over 30 are considered leftover. Though my parents and family members do not think that, there are people around me who do and it has been ingrained. I have tried hard to unlearn it but there are some remnants. I do not know what the future holds for me. I am too depressed and angry to think that.

P.S. Yes I am in therapy. I have been in and out of therapy since 25.

Relevant Comments

OOP on getting divorce papers drawn quickly

OOP: In my country you do not need 2 weeks to draw divorce papers. I already had a lawyer. I spoke things with him. It takes less 2 days to draw divorce papers.

----NEW UPDATES----

: November 30, 2023 (2 weeks later)

My husband cheated on me with his coworker. I am divorcing him. Yet the blame is on me. It is my fault that he cheated because he was bored of our marriage. Somehow it is my responsibility to keep my marriage. My parents are supportive. But majority of my relatives and friends are not. To them his cheating was not cheating because there was no sex (technically). Especially when my brother is berating me for leaving my marriage. He thinks I am giving up on my marriage way too easily and that I should grow up and fix it rather than breaking it. But I have my doubts? Why is it my burden to fix it? I didn't break it. I was a loyal wife to him. I never strayed?

Isn't marriage supposed to be about mutual input? I see a lot of women and men cave into this narrative that they are breaking up the family by divorcing their cheating spouses. I am just frustrated about this push that I am getting from my own brother. Why should I forgive him? Am I not allowed to be bitter? Am I not allowed to be angry?

: December 24, 2023 (1 month later)

I will not bore you guys with details. You can check my profile for it. My husband and I are getting a divorce. He has not stopped convincing me to stay. But the shamelessness of his activities is sending me to the moon. We are legally still married. From what I have heard he is dating his work wife aka the girl he pretended to hate. He was never someone who posts a lot on instagram or facebook but he has been flooding his feed with her pictures. I know he is doing this to piss me off. And I am an idiot to stalk his new girlfriend. She has pictures of him all over his feed. In every caption he is "work husband". Yes, I get that she is immature. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I wish I was strong enough to not give a fuck. But I do. I struggle with being confident and doing the grey rock technique.

But it is hard. Regardless of what he did, or how much he humiliated me I still loved him. I still had dreams about us and about our future. I am afraid to start from 0 and picking up the pieces of my broken trust while he is having wild sex with his work wife. I keep telling myself. It is not real. He is just falling for the manic pixie dream girl. But it hurts to know he will chose her rather than me. Well I made that choice. It was my choice to divorce him.

It was my choice to move out. I wanted to be a mother and have a husband that loves me. But I am starting from zero and running out of time. If I was desperate I would've forgave him but I cannot. My heart doesn't allow me to. Why is your work wife more important than your wife? Why did I have to compete for your attention when she was getting it for free? I do not want to be jealous but I am. I wish I could reconcile but knowing me and what I have learned, it is not meant for me. I hate living a contradictory life where I do not care about him but I still care enough that it hurts he easily replaced me.

Relevant Comment

OOP was asked if she has children with her husband

OOP: I do not have children. I was planning to until my husband fucked up everything

: December 31, 2023 (1 week later)

I am separated from my husband because he had an emotional affair. I think the affair was physical too but he still doesn't want to admit it. But I do not want to be in his drama anymore. The evidence of his emotional affair was enough. It's been 2 months since we are separated. He has already started dating his AP. Right now, I am dealing with depression and anxiety. I have started therapy as well. But deep down I feel so down. Like during the holidays. We used to spend together locked inside. I never thought I would spend it alone now.

But I think I fucked up. I am currently with my parents. They always hosts these big Christmas dinners. I met a guy who is the son of my father's friend. He is divorced and has a kid. He and I hooked up. I guess I was just lonely. I am never someone who has random hookups. But I feel this immense guilt in me. Like I am the one who is cheating on my husband. I do not feel well. Not because the sex was bad but because I am still a married woman. I still feel attached to my stbx even though he has already moved on with his manic pixi dream girl. Did any of you who started dating after separation felt guilty about being with other people?

: January 18, 2024 (2.5 weeks later)

2 days ago my soon-to-be-ex called me and I was puzzelled. What does he want now? In few months our divorce will be finalized. He has moved on with his AP. He called to ask me how I am. It was small chit chat. He then asked if we can hangout now. It was 9pm at night. I obviously declined.

The next day I got to know from a friend that his AP posted on social media about being in an open relationship. Her post basically appreciating my ex and how he was understanding of her not being monogamous. She identifies as poly. And they are in an open relationship.

This whole thing made me feel weird. Like who tf did I marry? What the fuck is he doing? He used to be monogamous like me. Now for her he is willing to be in an open relationship? I know I shouldn't concern myself with their life. But it is just weird. You cheated on me, put me through hell, you are dating your AP and now you guys are in nonmonogamous relationship? I don't think I knew him well. I am seriously questioning my skills on judging people. Has he always been like this?

Relevant Comment

Positive_Dinner_1140: Has he tried to contact you again?

OOP: Not recently. But first few months he used to spam me with texts. Now our conversations are about the divorce.

: March 28, 2024 (2 months later)

Hi everyone, it’s been a long time. I was busy so I couldn’t post much. The good news is I am officially divorced. As many of you suggested, I didn’t get a house in the divorce like many of you suggested. Honestly, I didn’t even want it. I am living with my parents now for a while. I know it sucks because I am in my 30s and have to start from 0. There were times I wanted to stop the divorce and reconcile. But the disrespect towards me and my marriage is something I cannot get past. I know many people PM’d me to reconsider it. But sorry to disappoint you.

As for my ex, he is dating his “nemesis”. He still insists nothing more happened. They didn’t have sex. The biggest plot twist for me was when I came to know that he and his mistress are in an open relationship. It was funny to me. But now I don’t have to hear from them. I am not dating anyone now. Maybe take a break from dating. Thank you all for supporting me. Reddit has been a great distraction for me during these tough times.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 16th June 2024

- 20th June 2024

I’m still in love with my ex and don’t know if I should tell him or not

I (f18) am still in love with my ex bf (m18) and don’t know whether I should tell him or not. For context we meet at ACES (a conference for FFA) and really hit it off we soon started dating after words and was probably the happiest I had ever been in a relationship.

He is so sweet and kind but we ended up breaking up due to friends influences and work related issues. We both have dated since the break up but the thing is that when people ask me if i will ever get married the person I picture at the end of the aisle is him and I don’t know if I should tell him my feelings towards him or not.

I don’t want to make things weird or anything but I don’t think I shouldn’t not tell him. We still talk to each other and try to hang out whenever possible. Should I tell him or keep acting like I don’t feel the way I do towards him?

Comments

Sorry_Woodpecker_938

Maybe have a chat and see if he feels the same way? If he doesn’t, put some space between you so you can move on

Difficult-Bus-6026

Ditto. Be prepared for a negative response though. At that point, you may have to break contact in order to move on. Maintaining the friendship will only put you in limbo.

Say_No_To_BS

Just playing devils advocate: You mentioned friend influences and work related issues as the reasons for your initial breakup. If your friends or your career took priority over your relationship before, what is different now? If you saw your boyfriend as the third priority behind your friends and your job why would he want to be in another relationship with you now?

OOP: The friends and work stuff wasn’t why we broke up it was just a point in conflict that happened when we were together. He had issues of his own going on and I wasn’t in the best mind state towards the ended due to my parents constant arguing. We are both doing better now and we both go to therapy.

Update - 4 days later

Hey guys!!! Thank you for all your advice on my original post. So I decided that a lot of you guys were right and I had planned to tell him yesterday when we were hiking up near his house. But I ended up chickening out.

We finished our hiking and went back to his house were we sat in his car talking. When he suddenly kissed me ( I say suddenly because I had no idea that I was going to happen as he is not a very flirty person by nature).

We then talked for a little after it and I think we are both on the same page with how we both feel about each other. If something happens I will let you guys know but for now I think this is my only update. Thank you for your advice!!

Comments

SolaceInfinite

Man I read these and just ask myself if I thought trivial nonsense like this was life or death just like these kids.

Deep in my heart I know I was worse lmao

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH - My ex-fiancee tried to get my wife to cheat on me

Originally posted to

Originally posted to & for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation

  March 25, 2024

I think my ex-fiancee Jess (31F) might have tried to get my wife Olivia (30F) drunk and cheat on me. My wife thinks I am overreacting and overthinking the whole situation. Can someone tell me if I would be an asshole to ask Olivia to stop being friends with Jess immediately?     For context, Jess and I started dating during the sophomore year of our college. We met through mutual friends and connected instantly. She was charming and outgoing and made friends instantly everywhere she went. I am more shy and nerdy, but I enjoyed going out to parties with her. We got engaged on our graduation day as both our families were attending. I got a job in a big tech company right after college and Jess moved in with me while looking for jobs.     That is when the relationship started going downhill. Jess was an art major and had trouble finding a stable job. She did a bunch of freelance work and mostly worked from home. I was overwhelmed with work. She always wanted to go out to bars and clubs and I wanted to rest in the evening after 10-12 hours of work. I was ok with her going out with friends alone, and I would sometimes tag along on the weekend.     It bothered me that she was still in her party girl phase. She complained that I was becoming boring and should enjoy my early 20s before we settled down. I was also not happy with the friends she hung out with, as there was a lot of drinking and drug use. Even when I went out with her friends, she would be extremely flirty with guys in her friend's group. Her excuse was always that she gets flirty when she is drunk or she was just joking. I had enough and decided to call off the engagement after 2 years as we were just different people at that point. The breakup was messy and she kept trying to get back with me for almost a year. There were some incidences where Jess may not have acted in her best judgment, and I blocked her from all my social media. I did not want to deal with the drama and wanted to move on. I also got a transfer to another town around that time and never heard from Jess again.     This is when I started dating my wife, Olivia. My wife was the exact opposite of Jess. She was very soft-spoken and a homebody like me. She knew I was engaged before. We dated for 3 years and happily married for 2 years now. However, one of the sticking points we always had was my Thursday nights. 3 of my closest college friends are now scattered all across the country and we generally play a video game together on Thursday evenings since our college days. Olivia complained that she gets bored during that time.     About 6 months ago, Olvia told me she got a Facebook invite for a group where they had painting and wine nights on Thursdays. It was mostly 8-10 women who got together at someone's house and spent the evening painting, drinking wine and gossiping. According to Olivia, it was just a few housewives and divorcees and they welcomed her. One of the women's name was Jess, but I did not think much of it.     Two weeks ago, Olivia told me it was Jess's birthday and they wanted to a ladies' night at a club. Olivia hates loud music, but Jess convinced her to come for dinner and some drinks. On that night, I got a call from Olvia at 10 pm asking me if I could come and pick her up. I could tell something was wrong and immediately left to pick her up. I went to the bar and went in to pick up Olivia. I was shocked when I realized that her friend Jess was my ex-fiancee. She also looked surprised to see me there. I was polite and said hello to everyone, but Olivia wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.    After we went in the car, I told Olivia that Jess was my ex-fiancee whom I had not seen for almost 7 years. Olivia was shocked to hear it and she did not know about it. It was crazy since I did not even know she lived in the same city as us. Olivia told me Jess was the one who had started the painting group. She had divorced her husband 2 years ago and moved to our city for a fresh start. The reason why she called me was because she was getting uncomfortable with the situation at the bar. Since Jess and one of the other women were single, they kept on encouraging guys hitting on them and inviting them over to their table. Jess was trying to get everyone drunk and was asking Olivia to open up and have fun. She was constantly hyping up Olivia to two of the guys who bought them a round of drinks. At this point, Olivia excused herself to go to the restroom and called me to pick her up.     I am not happy with the situation, but I am also not mad at Olivia. I am just uncomfortable with Olivia hanging out with Jess. I told Olivia about the same. Olivia told me that she was never going to put herself in the same situation again with Jess or anyone else. Also, this friends group is the only real social life she has since we both are in a completely new city. She does not want to stop going to her painting nights with her friends. I brought up the thought that Jess could be acting in malice, but Olivia told me she did not think Jess would know I was her husband as Olivia never showed my picture to anyone in the group. She also said that it's been 7 years since we broke up. Jess is a kind person and I should not judge her based on one night when she was drunk. She still wants to stay friends with Jess.    On one hand, I do not want to separate Olivia from her friends. But, my gut feeling is telling me something is off in this situation. Besides, it feels weird to have my ex be friends with my wife. Am I the asshole to want Olivia to stop being friends with Jess because of my gut feeling? Or, should I just let it go as it's Olivia's call to make?

  June 10, 2024

I posted about how my ex-fiancée tried to get my wife to cheat on me 3 months ago. Thing were good since then but last week has been crazy and I wish my wife were not as naive to let Jess back in our lives. I really need help on what I can do at this point.

For reference, I broke up with my ex-fiancée Jess 7 years ago and have been together with my wife for 5 years (married for 2). After the night of Jess's birthday, where she tried to get my wife drunk and flirt with strangers, I had a long conversation with my wife. I laid down why I was uncomfortable with her hanging out with Jess. My wife agreed with most of what I said but she feels that enough time has passed now where we can let things go. She also talked to Jess and she told her that she had no idea about me and it's just one happy coincidence. Jess also insisted to my wife that she moved on with her life after our breakup, found love and unfortunately the marriage did not last. She told Olivia that maybe we all could go out for dinner together and clear out the issues. Jess also insisted that she was just having fun at the bar, and apologized to my wife if her drunk behavior made her uncomfortable

My wife asked me if I would be ok with their friendship as she has not found a social group in the new town for a long time and Jess seems like a changed person. She also told me that she would only meet these women during her art night, and not go out on girls' nights or trips. I felt that as long as Olivia was comfortable, I should not have any reason to be worried.

We also had dinner with Jess once and Jess was very friendly. She told me about what happened in her marriage, and how she is on her healing journey right now. She also apologized to me for her behavior during our last few months together. Jess also now owns a business and works as a freelance artist and graphic designer. I also was gracious as we were just 23 and I harbor no ill-feelings. My wife also started hosting art night at our place once a month or so and I had to move to my office for my game nights.

Last week, after the art night, Jess and one other lady hung back, and we were all drinking wine and chatting. The other lady was asking questions about Jess and I. Jess told her that it was old history, and I went no contact with Jess for 4 years. That was the reason why she had no idea about Olivia. Olivia looked at me, and asked Jess, you mean 7 years ago right. Jess said no, and that was when we broke up. However, we met every time I came back to my hometown. I thought she was drunk, so I corrected her again that it was 7 years ago, and she was misremembering things. Jess said may be, and we moved on.

The next day, Jess sent a bunch of photos to my wife of me and Jess hanging out. They were just innocent photos like us having dinner, at a music festival, working-out together, etc. The weirdest part was I had a few tattoos on my body that I got after I broke up with Jess. I also never owned the clothes the person in the photo was wearing. Even the photos were timestamped to 4 years ago (Christmas 2019). Olivia freaked out because we started dating in summer 2019. I did make a trip alone to my hometown in Christmas 2019. However, I never met Jess. She started asking me why I did not tell her about meeting Jess. I tried to tell her that these things never happened, but she does not believe me.

She also called Jess and Jess told her that we met because I was back in town. However, we were just platonic at that point and it's not what my wife is thinking. I confronted Jess and she told me that I am stupid to not tell Olivia about meeting her, and also not telling her about Olivia. She says that I told her I am still single.

Olivia is very angry at me. She is not believing a word I am saying. I kept on telling her that I have not seen her for 7 years. Olivia says she does not mind me meeting her, but I should have told her as we were together. I volunteered to show her all my phone records during that time, but they only go back to 3 years on my carrier. I am confused how those photos can even exist when I never met her. They are definitely photos from when I was with Olivia, as I look more muscular in these pictures and also have tattoos that I did not have back then. I even told her she can call my friends and family and ask them about the trip, but she says that she has all the photos of my trip, and my friends and family will cover for me.

Can someone please help me what I can do in this case. I need to convince Olivia that this is all false. But she is just angry at me and giving me silent treatment. I swear that I did not meet Jess during that trip and am caught up in this mess without my fault.

  June 14, 2024

I wrote a post few days ago regarding my ex-fiancée who be-friended my wife months ago lied to my wife about us meeting 4 years ago, when I actually went to NC with her for more than 7 years. She even sent my wife a few pictures from the time we met. My wife was upset with me because we started dating 5 years ago, and the photos were taken 6 months after we started dating.

 

I want to thank a lot of you for extending support and help. This has been a horrible week that just kept on getting worse. I do not blame my wife for believing Jess. Jess seemed to be a changed person from the girl I broke up 7 years ago. I felt bad about her being in an abusive marriage for almost 3 years with a narcissistic husband. She got her life back together, was doing great with her work and also started her own business. She had me rooting for her too and I was proud of her journey. I could see why my wife liked her.

After Jess sent photos to my wife, I tried every possible thing to prove that the pictures were fake. I showed them to three acquaintances who told me that they can help me. None of them were able to find any inconsistences with the photos. I also called my parents and my friend who I met during that trip. My mom saw the photo and recognized that the gym photo was taken in the YMCA gym where my parents go. She remembered that I used their guest passes during that visit. My friend also identified the park where the music festival photo was taken. He confirmed that we had gone there during my visit for a christmas tree lighting ceremony. Things were just getting really confusing as how photos exist between Jess and I at these venues.

Jess on the other hand was comforting my wife telling she did not imply anything when she sent her the photos. She said that she was married at that time, and we just ran into each other a couple of times during that visit. Jess was telling my wife to not overthink the photos and I must have forgotten that we ran into each other.

What calmed my wife down a bit was my mom talking to her and telling her that in no world would I hang out with Jess after all the stuff that happened during our breakup. Things got really messy and there was a reason why she was blocked across everything. My wife agreed with her and told me to just let it go. However, it was just a horrible feeling as I did not have any real proof that this was fake, and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop anytime.

I finally caught a huge break last night. My wife decided to not go to her painting night with Jess and friends yesterday and told me she just wants to be left alone and wants to read. I wanted to sit with her, but she told me to go and play with my friends as she wanted to be alone. During our gaming session, I told my 3 closest friends what happened and how there are photos of me and Jess at locations that I actually visited during that trip. The session turned into them bashing Jess (old stories) and how manipulative she is.

After our gaming session was over, my friend Jim called me on phone and told me he wanted to talk about something important about Jess. He asked me if I was alone, as he did not want Olivia to listen in. I told him I need to go to a different room. I put my phone on speaker and went in our bedroom where Olivia was sitting and prompted her to stay quiet.

Jim told me that he has been in contact with Jess for 3 years ago. He said that she was still married but was planning to leave her husband. They knew each other because Jess was my GF all thru college. The initial conversations were just catching up and Jess complaining about her husband. He told me Jess inquired about me a few times as she had learned I got engaged to Olivia around that time. He said that they have been talking for a while now. Jess also told him about the coincidence that Olivia was in her painting group and how she met me few months ago when I went to pick up Olivia. She told Jim that Olivia came to her birthday and was heavily drinking and flirting with guys. She even sent him few pictures. There were a few with Jess and Olivia together, and then Olivia hugging and kissing a guy on his cheeks. I asked him to forward me the photos and he sent them to me on Discord. Jess told him that I am still the same insecure guy and must be tracking Olivia as I showed up at the bar at 10 pm like a parent to pick Olivia. Jess did not know that Olivia had called me from the restroom to pick her up. Jess made a joke to Jim about how ironic it is that I broke up with Jess because she loved to party and now, I am married to a party girl.

I asked Jim why he did not share those pictures with me before. He said that he did not want to stir the pot in my marriage without knowing all the details. I was really mad at Jim at this point and asked him what else did he tell Jess about me. He said not a lot and they barely talked about me. However, Jess was obsessed with Olivia and would badmouth her a lot. So, Jim might have told her a bit about Olivia like what she does, where she works, etc. I asked Jim did he ever tell Jess about our game nights, and he said he has and how Olivia complains about being bored.

I told Jim to not tell Jess about our conversation. Jim asked me if I not tell anyone that he and Jess are in contact. He said that his wife might get the wrong idea and he just wanted to reach out because things seem to get really weird in my life.

Olivia was listening to everything and staring in disbelief at the photos that Jim shared. As soon as I hung up the phone, she started explaining to me that these were the same guys that Jess called to their table and were buying them drinks. However, she never even stood next to them, let alone hug or kiss them. She also pointed out that her apple watch in the photo was on her wrong wrist. She was also spooked out that Jess knew about her for almost 3 years, and there was no way she did not recognize her when she joined the painting group. Olivia was also pissed at Jim for talking to Jess and backstabbing me for so many years. She pointed out the fact that Jim was missing for one day when he and his family visited us last year. Jim was gone for the entire day and came home late at night because he had to work from his office in our city.

15 minutes after our conversation, Jess messaged my wife and told her that they missed her at the painting night, and she will see her next week. Her level of deceit really gave us chills and Olivia was really worried. Olivia wants to go no contact with Jess, but I am worried that it may not be enough. I also still don't know how Jess knows about what I did when I visited my parents in 2019 and all the locations I went to. I also don't know who else Jess is talking to and sending Olivia's fake photos to show her in bad light. It's really unnerving and I am just thinking about how I should confront Jess and make sure she never bothers us again.

Thanks again for all the help from the community and your messages really helped me keep my sanity during this rough week.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Odd_Welcome7940

I dont like to kick people when they are down but my god your wife owes you such a huge apology. Like an earthquake moving hysterical bonding apology. You better collect on that once your safe and in the clear.

OOP

My wife tried to apologize many times since last night. However, I do not care about any apologies. I just want to get things back to normal and get rid of nightmare. I can dissect who was wrong, and happened later, but I currently feel my family is in danger and I have no idea how many other people there are out there who might have seen fake photos of my wife or me.

It is also scary that Jess knew where I was 4 years ago when I went back to my hometown. She was married at that time, and still she knew what gym I went to and I went to the park for Christmas tree lighting with my friend. She knew the clothes I was wearing, how my body looked at that time and got all those details right. There have to be other people who she is talking to.

~

Material_Cellist4133

Ummm….anyone going to tell Jim’s wife? I mean there is a reason why he doesn’t want anyone to know he is in contact with Jess.

Might be time to file for a protective order.

OOP

My wife was super pissed at Jim and she feels he met Jess when he visited us a year ago with his wife. Right now, I do not have time to think about anything else, except Olivia and me.

Regarding TRO, does anyone know if my case would quality for TRO. I have been reading online since last night and it is only given in case there is a clear immediate danger to me or Olivia.

&

The more I think about it, Jess's first plan was to send those pictures to Jim hoping he would leak them to me and accuse Olivia of flirting with those guys. Luckily Olivia called me from the bar before anything went down and I was able to get her. If she had not called me, I would have never known that she was with Jess and those pictures were fake.

Jim decided to sit on those photos and not tell me. I think Jess's plan B was to convince Olivia I was a liar and was meeting her while dating Olivia. My mind is really racing in all direction at this point. I also understand how stupid Olivia and I were to let Jess back in our lives.

For people asking about security, I do have ring cameras installed around my house and also own a gun. I am more worried about when Olivia goes to work, and if Jess leaks some damming photos that gets her into jeopardy with her work or family.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

- 23rd April 2024

- 1st May 2023

- 20th June 2024

AITA for letting my son help me in the kitchen?

In general sense, I know I am not the TA but I want an unbiased opinion from people in here. I (42F) have 3 sons Jamie (16M), Matt (12M) and Paul (10M) with my husband Charlie (45M). My middle son Matt is a little different from his brothers. His brothers like things that are typically meant for men like sports, gadgets, video games and so on. But Matt is different, he is not a big sports fan. He likes reading and painting. He doesn't mind doing things that are typically not for boys.

Another thing about him is that he is passionate about food. He has been like this since he was 6. He would often come to the kitchen and see me cook and often times offer to help. Well I don't let him do heavy things like cutting or standing too close to the fire but he would be a helping hand. I call him Ramsey Jr (After Gordon Ramsey). Honestly, I like this arrangement because while I am doing all of the cooking my other boys are in their room.

My husband on the other hand is not impressed by Matt. He is a proud father of three sons and often like to do stuffs with them like- teaching them how to play baseball, playing video games, wrestling, watching sports. But Matt is not interested in any of those things. He has said over and over again that those typical things they do doesn't interest him.

My husband would still force him to do it because he thinks it is more important for him to do things that are more masculine with his brother because it creates a bond. I have tried several times to convince my husband that he lot let Matt go and let him do his thing. We eventually reached to a compromise that Matt will do sports and other stuff with them once a week so that he is in touch with his brothers and rest of the time he would do his own activities that he likes.

My husband also doesn't like that Matt would rather stay in the kitchen with me being my helping hand rather than with him and my other boys. He sometimes tries to criticize him by saying, he shouldn't be doing girly things or he will not get any girls in the future or he will be made fun off.

The incident happened yesterday. I was in the kitchen preparing for lunch. My husband and sons were outside playing football. Paul and Jamie called Matt to come play with them but Matt was not interested. I told him he should go play with his brothers now while I do the meal prep and he can come back during the cooking process. Matt agreed. But he came to the kitchen after 10 minutes and started helping me. My husband was with the boys too.

He called Matt several time but Matt didn't budge. I can see it irritated him. After the lunch, my husband was pissed and told me what I am doing to Matt is going to harm him in the future. I told him how is forcing him to do things he doesn't like would help him? He wasn't listening and kept saying things like he needs to be a man and stop doing girly things. And the way I am encouraging him cook and bake things like grandma he would get bullied in school and he doesn't want a son who is a sissy. I was shocked. I told him he needs to get his head out of his a$$ because cooking is gender neutral. There is nothing wrong with Matt wanting to cook.

My husband got mad and told me I am ruining my son's future. He doesn't want him to grow up weak and fragile and making him do "girly things" will make it worse. He needs to learn how to be a man like his dad and learn how to provide rather than take on feminine roles. And just because I couldn't get a daughter I should stop turning my son into a girl. This turned into a huge fight between him and me and now he is not talking to me. Matt is sad because he things he is the reason why his dad and I fought. I had to assure him that it was not his fault at all. So reddit, aita? Or should I just have told Matt to play with his brother and not come into the kitchen until the lunch is served?

Edit: I have read the comments. I just want to clear out any confusion. My other boys Jamie and Paul do have a good relationship with Matt. Yes they are different and would rather stay in their rooms and do their own thing but none of them have ever bullied Matt or made fun of him for liking things differently. Also, I am a homemaker for now but my husband does help me with some chores like- getting kids ready for school, driving them to school and other extra curriculum, folding the laundry, taking are of the lawn. So, it's not that I am totally helpless. The kitchen duty is 100% mine because my husband doesn't know or like to cook.

Comments

sfrancisch5842

OP, you are NTA. Not at all. You are, however, married to a sexist misogynist. Who cares if your son doesn’t like sports? What matters is that he is happy, healthy, loved, and supported! Please keep fighting for him. He needs to know someone loves him, and views him as more than a gender.

Some-Coyote1409

NTA. Your husband is a peanut brain. Learning cooking is not shameful and is basic skill. In Japan they learn cooking in primary or junior high school. Is Matt helping you because he enjoys cooking or because he doesn't want to let you in charge of cooking (and probably cleaning) alone? Cooking is a useful skill to become independent. All your kids and husband should learn the basics. Not everyone like sports or driving cars or fishing. Are all famous cooks gay or sissy? Is Gordon Ramsay a sissy? LMAO your husband has some serious insecurity. Maybe he should go to therapy

HopeG8518

Cooking professionally is a male dominated job. Your husband needs professional help.

Update - 8 days later

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say thank you for the comments. I know some of you called me a troll. I don't know why you think that. I just wanted some unbiased opinion. So anyways, I am here to update on the situation. My husband, Charlie was not letting it go. He insists Matt is wrong for wanting to cook with me. The argument between me and him never truly settled.

So, few days ago, he decided to call his dad. He thought since his dad was in the military he would teach Matt some lesson. So, my FIL came to our house. We chatted and talked. Charlie brought up the "issue" with Matt. He just talked about everything starting from his passion for cooking and not being interested in other masculine stuff. FIL was quiet and thought about it.

Matt looked scared because FIL looks like a scary guy. FIL told the kids to go to their room because he wants to have a chat with hubby and I. After we were alone, I was expecting FIL blame me but instead he blamed my husband. He said he is really embarrassed of my husband for having such backward thinking. He knows that when FIL was in the military he had to do all his chores and sometimes have to cook. He just loaded on my husband that he is teaching the wrong lesson to Matt. T

hat cooking is a good skill and it will help in real life. Watching sports and video games will not teach him anything valuable. There is more. I cannot write all of it but my husband looked really defeated. He tried to argue that Matt needs to do tough things but FIL shut that down by saying he has the nerve to say cooking is easy when he probably can't boil water. Honestly, it was funny to watch my husband being berated by his dad like a kid.

FIL then called the boys to the room and told us to give them privacy. We were outside, I was looking at my boys through the slit of the door. Matt looks relaxed but the heads of Jamie and Paul was down. Long story short, FIL told my boy to not bother Matt anymore. He also instructed that my boys help me in the kitchen once a week to learn how to manage home.

He also told Matt to not be scared and do whatever he likes. I am glad Charlie brought him to our house even if his plans backfired. I thought after FIL left there will be peace. My husband would be normal and understand but he was sulking and moping around. I asked him continuously what happened, he didn't answer at first. But then after a lot of pushing and pestering he did.

He said that the reason why he didn't want Matt to do "feminine" things is because he (my husband) was bullied for that when he was in school. I knew he had to deal with bullies but he never told me why he was bullied. This is my first time hearing this story. He said when he was about Matt's age he would also be in the kitchen with his mom because he liked watching her cook. And they lived in a joint family so his uncles and aunts would also live in the house (like encanto). He would often get bullied by his cousins because he spent more time in the kitchen. He also admitted that he had an interest in knitting but had to stop because he once heard his then crush say that it makes him gay. So he also got bullied for knitting.

I was angry at him but now I just pity him. I had to explain the situation to him that we do not live in the past and a lot of things have changed. And that he shouldn't have to give up what he likes because people are stupid around him. There was a lot of conversation about past and present and also about him being comfortable with this situation as a whole. He told me that he will not pressure Matt anymore.

He realized that in order for his kid not to get bullied, he became his own kid's bully. Things are fine now. Today all of the boys (including my husband) helped me in the kitchen. For the first time I felt a little relieved by it. Also to those people who told me to leave my husband, why? He is a good guy. I know he holds some backward views but he is nice and caring. I understand he has insecurities but they are not worth having a divorce. Things are fine now and if it goes bad I know what to do.

Comments

Electronic-Way2199

I am so happy it turned out well. Your husband calling his father was the best thing to happen. Matt gets to do what he likes, your husband opened up about his feelings and realised his mistake. Maybe your other kids also liked cooking and were scared to express that. Also, your husband liked knitting when he was younger, maybe doing that together or gifting him some needles and wool might be nice? I don't know, was just a thought

OOP: I don't know if he likes knitting now or not but will ask him. He is still in his peak "masculine" phase. Baby steps.

Update - 1 year later

Hello, everyone. I just saw my post in Instagram and I totally forgot about this account. I thought I should just give an update. It is not a happy update because my husband and I are going through a divorce. After my last update everything was fine until my husband started acting weird and out of character. I will not go into details that much but he was having an affair with someone he met online. So, apparently, my husband has been using online forums even reddit to vent his frustration about Matt and he feels he has failed as a father and me not supporting his decision is emasculating him. That is when he found his mistress (35f) who poisoned his ears that I am not a good wife because I should "obey" my husband.

She and my husband bad mouthed me and she even had some questionable words for my son Matt as well. So, we have been fighting a lot about this. He blames me because none of this would've happened if I just respected his authority as the man of the house and that mistress understands him and knows when to shut up. I still cannot believe he will turn his back on us just because my son liked cooking. This is not the man I married. I sometimes feel sad because I have been struggling with depression for a long time. My sons are pretty depressed too. I took them to therapy.

Especially Matt because he believes we are divorcing because of him. He took it hard. He even told me he will stop cooking if that means his dad will stay with us. My other sons are also very sad too but so far they have been understanding. My FIL is 100% on my side. He has been helping me with a lawyer and pretty much disowned my husband for his behavior towards me and my kids. That's been my life. I am struggling a lot with the financial situations. I did get a job but it is that high in pay. My stbx has moved in with his mistress. I just hope we will see good days soon. That's all. Pray for us.

Comments

ProfessionSanity

Boomer Mom here.

I taught both my sons how to cook when they were in Jr High.

Also taught them how to do their laundry.

I wasn't going to send them out of the nest not knowing how to take care of themselves.

NTA But your soon to be ex and his mistress are.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AIO for not trusting my wife's ex coworker

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: possible manipulation, emotional infidelity

June 12, 2024

EDITORS NOTE: Fixed 1 typo, corrected Wife to F

I (32M) have been married to my wife (36F) going on 9 years. Recently we have had a fight over one of her former coworkers we can call him Matt.

Matt and my wife hadn't been working together for a long time, Maybe a couple months at most. I noticed some behavior that had me suspicious and feeling disrespected. My wife began constantly talking about Matt, it was every sentence from her was in some relation to matt. Matt this and Matt that. It eventually got to the point I asked her if she could speak about him less as it was becoming annoying that every conversation had to do with him.

A few weeks later my wife tells me that she is going to have a girl's night out with her female coworkers. I think that's cool that she is going to have fun with them. She states they'll be going to an audition for one coworker and then hit the bars. All good I believe, and then guess who is going to also come to this all female event? Matt. I found it odd that an all female get together would involve a male. Just to preface, Matt is straight.

Matt invited my wife and son to a trampoline place. So I took the opportunity to invite myself to meet the guy who my wife constantly talks about and invites/tags along with everything she does. We get to the place and spend 2 hours there. Matt has spoken to me 0 times outside of introductions and won't acknowledge I exist. I am quite an intimidating person so it can be difficult to approach me and engage with. That being said if I were Matt and had the opportunity to speak with a women's husband that I'm constantly talking to and inviting her places, I would absolutely get to know him. This gave me another red flag about the guy.

Time goes by and my wife is talking about Matt zero but still texting him all the time. One Saturday after our son's gymnastics class we get home and my wife exclaims "well there goes my convertible ride." I am confused and ask about what she just said. She tells me Matt bought a new convertible and was going to leave as soon as we got home to go ride around with him. This gives me another red flag as why wasn't brought up before. I believe everyone can do as they want and don't need permission to do the things they want but I do think giving your partner a heads up prior to things is important.

My wife starts telling me that Matt has xyz gifts for our son. I find it odd that another man is buying gifts for my son when it is neither holidays nor his birthday. This gives me a yellow flag at the very least about what this guy is doing. Now here's the kicker that relates to him not speaking to me. When I would pick my wife from work, my son would be with me. Matt would deliberately walk in front of my car and a couple spaces down before returning by going around the back of my car and only speak with my son. I found this extremely disrespectful as he went out of his way to not acknowledge or speak to me and would sneakily try to speak to my son and wife.

Matt decided he would invited my wife and other women to a rave. Nothing wrong with dancing. The issues arises that he did not invite any males to go nor did he invite any romantic partners of the women. I told my wife that I would like to go and she told Matt. He canceled the plans. This is another huge red flag that he would invite women to a rave and cancel when a romantic partner decides they are going to go. He tried to shift blame onto me by saying he couldn't buy the tickets because I hadn't made up my mind even though I said I was going.

After all of this I decided that Matt is not a good guy and is trying to weasel his way into my marriage. There's just too much that I am seeing that I can't ignore.

Finally we get to what has caused a huge fight between my wife and I which is a stupid package. My wife ordered something and I being curious asked what it was. She tells me "none of your fucking business." This brings up a red flag, then I ask who it's for, and again I get the same response. So eventually I pick up the package and ask my wife what is it and again it's none of your business. I get angry because of all this Matt stuff and yell "why are you being so secretive?" She yells at me saying it's a gift for fathers day and wanted it to be a surprise. Yes, I did think it was a gift for Matt.

So now my wife doesn't feel like I trust her even though, it's not her that I don't trust. Now she is not speaking with me. I find it ridiculous that we are having a fight over a random ex coworker that should mean absolutely nothing to our relationship. Yet here we are. You would think after almost 9 years of marriage that some nobody wouldn't be able to cause this amount of friction.

Am I Overreacting in thinking Matt is up to no good? Am I Overreacting that Matt could be trying to weasel his way in? Am I Overreacting that my wife is being blind to everything that Matt has tried?

Thank you to everyone for your replies and thoughts.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

thegreathonu

Just to confirm, he is an ex-coworker and still hanging out with your wife?

OOP

Yes and he still was trying to make plans recently.

~

TrespassersWill

Have you shared any of this perspective with your wife? His behavior is objectively sketchy. You should make sure she's in the loop on how you're seeing this so blow-ups like you had don't come out of the blue.

Hell, I'd show her this post and see if she recognizes what you describe. Maybe she's oblivious or there's some other context you're not aware of.

OOP

I have brought it up, and her response was that it is all my insecurity, i'm just being insecure, and this wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't a guy.

June 14, 2024

First off, I want to say thank you to everyone that commented and messaged me. You all are wonderful and your words helped me quite a lot.

My wife and I have spoken about the situation. I expressed myself and how everything was affecting myself and our marriage. I put my foot down about Matt and that either she ended her emotional affair or I was headed over to his job and handling him. Yesterday I received a text message from my wife stating she had terminated her "friendship" with Matt.

When we were both home together she wouldn't speak with me. Which was fine because I didn't have much to say to her either. She showed me her text telling him they are no longer friends and to go their separate ways. Though her reasoning for doing so was due to the fact I was willing to confront him at his job and was headed to do so. She has deleted and blocked his number so he cannot contact her.

I have offered marriage counseling and left the ball in her court. From here I'm focusing on what is best for me and my son. Whatever she does is her choice, whether it be salvage our marriage or whatever else may cross her mind. I'm not worried about it in no small part thanks to you all. Many of you pointed out things that hadn't crossed my mind and I can better look out for in the future.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dangerclosemaybe

Eyes open dude. You're showing your wife way more grace than she's showing you. I'd have a follow up conversation with her and explain to her what your demands are for reconciliation.

Ask her first to write out a timeline of the emotional affair, from beginning to end, down to the hour, including what she did with him and what was talked about. The other two things are an open phone and social media policy between you two from here on in, and marriage counseling. Any further word in person or electronically to Matt and you're filing for divorce. If you find out anything at all different happened from her written timeline, you're filing for divorce.

I would even consult the best lawyers in your area for consultations. They can't represent her out of conflict of interest if you've consulted with them already.

From there, trust but verify. Hire the PI.

She needs to show true remorse and commitment to you and your son if this is going to work out over the long term. Her actions to this point have not indicated that she is going to do this.

OOP

Called them yesterday before she was even home. Started getting stuff together and filed away.I am going to do what's best for my son and I, with or without her.

&

Lawyers. I mean by filing things away as in getting things in order to where if a divorce is needed that I will be ready and able to fight through it.

Edit: I should have said getting my ducks in a row since that may have been less confusing. That's my fault.

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Trigger Warning: cyberbullying, abelism

June 12, 2024

I came home from work today and noticed my partner just sitting at the desk laughing to herself with her headphones on, so I assumed she was watching a movie or something and left it at that.

Not long after I poked my head round as I was going to ask her what she wanted for dinner and to my surprise she was on Reddit, which was odd to me because she is anti social media etc but I thought it was nice she was trying something as she suffers from agoraphobia and doesn’t get out much without me.

I briefly got a glimpse at her name and thought it would be interesting to see what she had posted (yes I know this was an invasion of privacy) and to my shock, the account was 8 years old.. this means it’s predated our relationship by a couple of years, what's even more shocking was the stuff she had said on there, so much hate towards random people, for seemingly no reason at all.

This was not just one comment here and there either, literally just an account dedicated to hating on people and she seemed proud of it in her comments, one recent example was she spent an entire day just hassling someone, it doesn’t even stop there because she will make up stories, fat shame people, bullying those with disability’s. (this one hurts as she knows I have autism) and claims everyone who tell her she needs therapy is “projecting.”

I would sometimes come back from work and she would be in a bad mood but wouldn’t tell me why, Upon looking at her comment history a lot of her bad moods seem to line up with days she got downvoted a lot, she even goes as far as to lie about her physical appearance just to bring down others, its sick.

How do I even approach this? This stuff is just downright hateful and I don’t want her to freak out at me.

What do I even do? I’m scared she is one argument away from someone coming to find her.

Relevant Comments:

:

Chances are - she already knows via this post

:

And therefore a high chance that this is fake. Why post on the other person's playing ground?

:

He may be subconsciously trying to call her out. I mean, he's scared to do it in person, which reflects very badly on the "good" parts of their relationship.

Victims of all sorts of abuse are often accused of being passive-aggressive because often it's the only way they can safely stand up for themselves. Plausible deniability.

If she sees this and wants to call him out, she's got to admit to him face to face that she a troll. If she sees it and is too chicken-shit to admit it, she'll at least hopefully be a bit wary that it might be about her and realise she could be caught.

:

This is the person you are dating.

This is how she behaves when there are no consequences of her actions.

She is not a kind person.

:

What do you think about having a partner who secretly likes to be cruel to others and thinks it’s funny? Only you can answer that.

:

Agreed, and the fact that her entire day/mood can be ruined just because she gets downvotes is concerning and extremely unhealthy

I mean if you need that level of validation for your self-esteem from internet strangers I think that some therapy appointments are desperately needed

:

Catfish her and make her harass you. Then cry at the dinner table over the ableist Redditor who ruined your self-esteem. Hope to find this on BORA in a few weeks.

:

Just say you didn't know she had reddit and that you were surprised at her online persona. Tell her you felt really disappointed at the things you read. Say the lack of compassion he had towards others was confusing because both you and her are... and yet she was making fun/ bullying people. Ask her to help you understand.

I dare say she will say you invaded her privacy and reddit is just a place where she can say whatever and be whatever she wants to be.

Then where to from there, no clue. All you can do is communicate and hopefully she will change how she is now that you know. Or she will make a new accounts- rinse and repeat.

:

JUST DUMP HER.

She's a 37 YEAR OLD MEAN GIRL A spiteful, BIGOTED schoolyard bully who never grew up.

Is that REALLY who you want to tie yourself to???

And frankly, I would NOT bother to confront her, nor unless you want an OSCAR-WORTHY performance with blubbering, snotty-nosed fake apologies.

Tell her it's OVER because you're just NOT feeling it anymore and need time to yourself for a while.

And, yes, she's FUCKING AROUND and she may very well FIND OUT. NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys.

She'll have to pull up her BIG GIRL PANTIES — and take the CONSEQUENCES.

​
June 13, 2024 (the next day)

I had a lot of message requests asking if the post was about them, if you thought that then I think it's time to stop your crappy behaviour.

I want to address some comments from the last post:

I'm pretty sure she is blocked from this sub Reddit as all of her comments on this sub were removed according to a remove Reddit site and I also blocked her account while slightly adjusting the ages.

After sitting for a good hour last night looking down her profile in depth and bookmarking her worst stuff, I decided to bring it up with her, I was going to ask a mutual friend round, but I didn't want to embarrass her so i instead I put my phone on record in my pocket, in case she was going to claim I did anything against her.

I waited until after lunch and asked her if she could just stay there for a minute, set my phone to record and then brought up screenshots on a tablet, Her face dropped, she walked out of the room after a few seconds of scrolling. I was going to go after her, but I left it.

She came down and just said sorry, I asked why she was saying sorry to me to which she responded "I don't know", I asked why she did it and I just got another "I don't know".

I showed her one of the screenshots where she claims "my friends love how much of a cunt I am online" and I asked if any of her friends knew, and she said no, just me. I brought up the fact that I couldn't wrap my head around why someone would dedicate so much time to this, and she said "at first it was just a way to blow off steam, but then it felt nice because I saw people were agreeing with me, and it became apart of my daily routine I guess"

After some more talking, I addressed how much she hurt me with her attacks on people with mental health problems to which she just said "I doubt they even had any issues, they were just playing victim because they were losing the argument"

I have packed my things and going to stay at a friend's house, I am going to block Reddit on the ISP and asked her to not contact me for a couple of days while I think, I have also asked her to find a place to stay as I can't stay at my mate's for too long and I want to go on a break.

If I'm honest, I don't know if I will ever want to see her again, I was going to ask her to apologise to everyone she caused shit for but at this point I know she won't mean it.

Any further updates will be done via this post.

Relevant Comments:

:

the fact that you felt the need to record this conversation on your phone makes me feel like this is not a healthy relationship regardless of the reddit trolling

:

Judge people by how they treat those they can hurt with impunity. She's an online bully, cruel to people when she is anonymous and there are no consequences.

You're making the right decision.

:

My mother always said "I don't know is not an acceptable answer. You do know, you're just too ashamed to answer"

She gets off on other people's pain

Some people are just born that way homie

(again):

MAKE THE SEPARATION PERMANENT.

She CLEARLY isn’t sorry and doesn’t deserve ONE MORE SECOND of your time.

:

The recording thing is a sign that this relationship has been over for awhile. You’re either genuinely scared of her or trying to set her up. Just move on with your life.

Editor's Note: OOP says they will update. They've asked for a break from their SO, but have not officially broken up yet. Therefore, it is likely we'll hear back from OOP, so this is ongoing.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 10th June 2024

- 19th June 2024

AITAH for screaming at my GF after she picked the bathroom lock while I was in the shower?

Throwaway because I have to admit something really embarrassing. I (24m) just had a bad fight with my gf, Ana (24f). We met early in college, started dating 2 years ago and then moved in together 3 months ago. I always thought we were great together. She's smart and funny, we've had the best talks and have similar views on science and politics. But we moved in together and she got upset because I take long showers. I don’t like to talk about it but I’m a hairy guy. Think Luther from Umbrella Academy. I quit sports when I was 13 because I couldn’t deal with what the other guys would say about how much body hair I already had by then. So I shave my whole body and yes it takes a while. Ana and I have never talked about my shaving but she has to know I shave from feeling the stubble.

So Ana started questioning why I spend so long in the shower. I should have just told her but I was too embarrassed to say it takes a while to shave so I said I just like thinking in the shower. Then yesterday while I was in the shower she used a screwdriver to pop the bathroom lock and caught me shaving. She put her hands on her hips and told me I was wasting water and I yelled at her to get out. She didn’t leave and lectured me more on wasting water then I shouted again a LOT louder for her to get the fuck out. It freaked her out and she slammed the door behind her.

I was mad and took a few minutes too cool down and think about what I was going to say to her, but when I got out she had locked herself in the bedroom. I could tell she had her back against the door and was crying. She said I scared her and that she I showed her that I wasn’t the kind of man she thought I was. I told her she had scared me, and that it didn't even make sense why she did it because we don't even pay the water for our apartment. She got more upset and said I didn’t even understand the problem because I showed her that I could be violent and abusive and I just needed to leave. I tried to keep calm and asked her to come out so we could actually talk about what happened, but she just kept saying I wasn’t who she thought I was and I had to leave.

We’ve argued about ideas but never had a fight before, and I swear I’ve never yelled or cursed at her before that. I hate fighting with anyone and am normally the more calm person when our friends have things going on. I feel like my whole world just suddenly fell out from under me. I don’t think this was my fault but I also think none of this would have happened if I wasn’t so self conscious about the body hair issue, or maybe if I had just been honest from the beginning and told her why I take long showers. I’m sure this relationship is over now and things are going to be messed up for a while, but I just want to know am I the asshole for causing this whole mess?

Comments

CarcosaDweller

I don’t understand. She sees you are shaving and thus have a legitimate reason to be in there, but she starts berating you for wasting water?

OOP: Huh, yeah, that's basically what happened.

Nentash

Man she picked a lock, ignored your boundaries, on made up some crappy excuse of why youre being naughty, accused you of being a violent abuser because you raised your voice, and she did it to try and DARVO you into being the bad guy, you're not, she is 10,000% in the wrong here and YOU should be leaving HER, while making it VERY clear to everyone that matters exactly why you left her, because she is absolutely the kind of person who will go around lying about you, making herself out the victim and saying that she broke up with you because you were abusive. Tell people the truth yourself, seriously.

NTA, no amount of fuzzy emotions are worth putting up with this sort of person.

HarlotteHoehansson

Naw she's blaming you for being upset that she violated your trust and space. She is 100% the AH here.

OOP: I wish so much now that we could have talked about this some other way than how it happened.

boneylo

While that’s fair, she showed you a new side of her and that may be a blessing in disguise. I think her saying she cannot see you the same etc are her trying to deflect and project onto you. If anything, you saw her ugly side and I don’t think it’s something worth dealing with. You are absolutely NTA.

Also worth noting, you shouldn’t be ashamed or feel the need to hide your body hair! Keep doing you and shaving if that floats your boat, but it a longterm partner thinks it’s weird you have to shave that much, then that’s their problem not yours.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 9 days later

I am a complete idiot. I’m writing today hoping to save someone else from making the same stupid mistakes I made. I’m trying to think of where to start because after this last weekend I don’t even feel like the things that happened in my first post even matter anymore.

Basically my gf Ana popped the lock the bathroom while I was shaving in the shower to yell at me for wasting water. I shouted at her to get out which scared her bad enough that she told me to leave our apt because she was afraid I could hurt her. People here warned me to be careful with her after that but I thought I knew Ana better than anyone on Reddit and I thought for sure we would be mature and talk about everything once we were both calm. I sent her a text and said we could talk whenever she was ready about what happened or that if she just wanted me gone then we could talk about that too and come up with a plan to separate. I waited but she never texted back.

Then at work on Friday I got called to the front desk. There was a police officer waiting for me there and at first I thought something terrible might have happened. Instead I got served a restraining order. The whole time I was being served I got confused and I don’t know what I was thinking. I know I didn’t pay a lot of attention to what the cop was telling me.

After he left I did the stupidest thing anyone could do after getting an OP and I texted Ana. I asked what was wrong and if this was a mistake because from my end this was just a huge misunderstanding and that if we could just talk I knew we could clear this all up. 2 hours later two police officers came all the way up to my desk and I was arrested. Like handcuffs and everything in front of everyone I work with and I was dragged out of the building and taken to jail.

I have NEVER been in trouble in my life and I never once thought I’d end up in jail just like that. I got processed like a full on criminal. I didn’t know what else to do and I called my parents when I could to let them know what happened. My hometown is like 6 hours away but they found a lawyer and then drove over as fast as they could overnight to bail me out. Right now we’re all staying in a small hotel while we figure out things with the lawyer and I can’t even process how things got here. I’m supposed to have a meeting with my boss and HR on Thursday and I have no idea if I’m going to still have a job.

All I can do right now is give others a warning to take things more serious than I did. Especially getting something like an OP. Even if you think there’s no way it could be real or valid don’t be an idiot and question it like I did. Go straight to a lawyer!

Comments

Present-Reflection84

If the story is true, she had to have lied to get the order of protection granted, right? She broke into the locked bathroom and got yelled at. OP is the one who’d need an OP in that scenario

NoPangolin5228

An OP is not the same thing as a restraining order.

An OP is a TEMPORARY thing until a trial can be set to determine things like who gets the apartment, where/when the one leaving can get their stuff, any financial, etc things.

At the court hearing, the judge will determine if the OP can turn into a restraining order or if the OP will expire. USUALLY the OP expires and things go from there.

ExcitingTabletop

He's dumb as a box of rocks and ignored people who told him to take this seriously. He's STILL not taking this as serious as he should if he's confused why he got to this place.

The second you are accused of abuse, you eject on the spot. Do not pass go, leave. Document everything. Your relationship is already over. It's now just cleanup. Get someone else to pick up your stuff. Document everything you can. If it doesn't go further, you wasted a couple hours and maybe a couple of bucks. If it does go further, it is lifesaving.

The second you are given any legal document or police contact, you STFU, stay far away and call a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you to STFU, stay away and he or she will handle the rest. Follow that expensive advice. This applies to even a temporary court order.

People told him this and he blew it off. Now he's facing the consequences of not taking it seriously.

Lawyer will talk him through everything. Someone else will have to get his stuff. He needs to move decent bit away. And he needs to preserve all evidence he can, at his lawyer's guidance. If he loses his job, he can try suing her over that if his lawyer recommends it. But it will take time. His sole job is to keep head down, stay off social media, STFU, and just figure out a way to pay the lawyer.

Except he's posting about an on-going legal dispute, so he's hopefully just making up everything or continues to be dumb as a box of rocks who ignores solid legal guidance.

AlwaysHelpful22

Your ex is an AH who invaded your privacy and then flaked out on you. You are stupid for ignoring the restraining order (but you’re not an Ah).

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Alright good kids, we have a doozy that is still going on in . Welcome to my office hours.

begins with one professor feeling threatened by their student, and resolving the issue by bringing in their dean and chair.

notes that they have had a similar issue where they were threatened

Seems like best case outcome.

Our student support/dean of students is unfortunately a “blackbox” at my institution… I toss students into it and cannot get any updates :/

When they state that they have to carry (for you non-Americans, it means that they carry a firearm) to feel safe from our good kid prof jumps

Oooh, big boy. You are part of the problem, not the solution.

A whole mess of back and forth goes forward. Good kid prof then says that they were threatened but will fight back by

So all your threats in Reddit chat that I am definitely forwarding on to UNT’s dean are pointless.

Our good kid prof gives the other prof a failing

No thanks. You already got the F and I don’t change grades.

The other prof responds a bit after some back and forth

You have established nothing?

You’ve just lied and then threatened to doxx me.

I have consistently asked you to prove any of your claims, and yet you have refused, >and then replied with weak ad homs almost every time.

Our good kid prof

I’m good kid.

It goes on and will likely continue.

banned 1 year ago for being unmoderated

banned 1 year ago for being unmoderated

banned 2 years ago for being unmoderated

Also there's a guy who keeps calling everyone a chud for some reason, Anyways, I couldn't help but share this here over how ridiculous this whole argument is.