I (26F) have been married to my husband (27M) for two years now. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but recently I discovered something that has shaken me to my core.

I have always been open-minded and quite liberal in my beliefs; I volunteer at a shelter for people experiencing homelessness and work at a center specializing in youth mental health. My husband, on the other hand, portrayed himself as similarly minded when we first met. We fell in love, got married, and I have been the primary breadwinner while he pursued various career interests, none of which panned out so far, and he is currently unemployed.

The trouble started when I stumbled upon some online activity that revealed he holds very conservative views on social and political issues. These were views he never expressed before, and when I confronted him about it, he admitted that he had deliberately hidden them from me because he knew how important my progressive values were to me. I asked him about the "women belong in the home" posts he had made and asked him if he thought I would be better at home. He told me that yes he thought I should be a housewife.

This revelation has hit me hard. It's not just about the difference in beliefs itself, but the fact that he kept this fundamental aspect of himself hidden from me. I feel like I don't truly know him anymore, and I'm struggling to reconcile the person I thought I married with this new reality. Especially because his views in this case are unrealistic, especially due to him not even having a job.

I've always believed in open communication and honesty in a relationship, and now I feel betrayed. It's not just about politics; it's about trust and respect. I am the one supporting us financially, and while that doesn't bother me inherently, the fact that he misled me about something so significant does. I filed for divorce and gave him the papers today.

He pitched a fit and got really angry at me when I told him that I was leaving him. He flew off the handle when I mentioned I was glad the prenup kept our finances separate. He told me I can't leave him like this and that I was an ass and a bitch for dumping him like this. That I promised to be with him for richer or poorer and in good times and bad. I feel a bit guilty about leaving him in this way, though I can't be with a person who thinks the way he does about women.

AITA?

My(23f) family went out for dinner a few days ago to celebrate my sister(26f) Jenn's birthday. When we got to the restaurant Jenn was already there alone. She said she told her boyfriend Blake the time got pushed back 30 minutes because she needed to talk to us alone. Jenn was mad at Blake for not getting her any birthday gifts and only took her out to dinner to a place they go to often. Our parents understood her being upset and she asked if they would try talking to him because she couldn't get Blake to understand how hurtful that was. I asked her if she had given him her usual 'present' for his birthday or last holiday and Jenn said that wasn't important.

For context, my sister's idea of a gift for her partner is lingerie and sex, and only ever that. I don't know about her past relationships but I do know in the 2 years they've been together, I've heard and seen Blake give her gift ideas for him and he winds up buying them for himself after the fact. He's come to Christmas at our house with gifts for Jenn and Jenn always shows up empty handed for him saying she'd give him his present later.

I told Jenn it sounded like she got as good as she gives whereas our parents said I should be concerned someone would be dismissive and vindictive toward my sister. Our parents said they'd think about talking to him based on his behavior when he arrived. So I text Blake that Jenn was setting him up for a lecture.

He wound up not showing up. Last night Jenn called me angry. She saw my text to him and realized my text was the reason he canceled and accused me of not having her back and she's told our parents I butt into their relationship but I figure she was trying to get us involved in her relationship anyway. I probably could have just stayed quiet but at the time it didn't sit right with me what she was trying to do. AITA?

I am NOT OOP. Original post from by on 20 June 2022.

Mood Spoiler: Satisfying

“AITA for getting angry at my(m29) girl friend (f28) for hiding that she speaks Spanish?”

Link:

My family is from Mexico but I was born in the US. I am the only one in my family who doesn’t speak Spanish, all my extended family (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.) speak it but I never really cared for it that much.

Katia (my girlfriend) knows I am Mexican and she asked if I spoke Spanish but when I said no, she didn’t push which I found refreshing, usually people ask a lot of questions. She never said she spoke Spanish but I remember her watching something and hearing Spanish but I figured she had subtitles on. If it’s important, Kate is from Germany.

Katia and I have been together for 3 months. It’s not long but it’s been intense. My grandmother had birthday on Saturday and my family threw her a huge part. I invited Katia to come along with me as it would be perfect time to meet my family and they’re always very welcoming. Katia agreed.

When we got there, everyone switched to English to speak to Kate but they quickly went back to Spanish. I went to grab a beer and came back to find Katia talking to my aunt, in Spanish (!). I came over and played it cool, telling her I didn’t know she spoke it, yadda yadda.

When Katia was with me, she spoke English but whenever she spoke to one of my family members alone, she switched because they switched. It made me really uncomfortable, especially since it wasn’t your typically barely spoken Spanish, it was full on, fluent Spanish and she understood my fast speaking relatives. I got really annoyed with her but said nothing.

My grandma told me how much she loved Katia and how she’s happy I found such an amazing girl. All my family loved her and couldn’t stop singing praises about her.

On our way back, I got really angry with her and when we got to my apartment, I told her that I feel betrayed that she hid she spoke Spanish and how she made a fool of me out there. I admit I was shouting because I was so angry. I felt humiliated.

She asked me to calm down and told me she never hid anything. I accused her of sneakily making her way into my family instead of having them warm up gradually . She asked if I was being serious and I confirmed. She called me a jerk and left my apartment. I was too angry to stop her.

I am waiting for her to call me with apologies, but she hasn’t been in touch since Saturday night. I told my brother about it and he told me I am the fool but I really feel disrespected by Katia. AITA for getting angry and shouting she hid she spoke my language?

NOTE: OOP declared the asshole

UPDATE

“AITA for demanding my sister stops being friends with my ex because it’s betrayal?”

NOTE: This post was removed, but the update was preserved in the comments by the subreddit bot.

Link:

I’ve had a problem before and this place gave me a reality check and now I have a problem with another person and need to know who’s the asshole.

I broke up with my girlfriend for the second time a few weeks ago. We’ve had some issues that we couldn’t get past so we decided to end it. But during the time we were together, my sister (f26) and my ex (f28) became best friends.

I thought that once we break up, my sister, Flor, will stop seeing my ex, Katia. I didn’t ask her, I just assumed because that’s what family does, you don’t stay in touch with your brother’s ex.

It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t heard from Katia and my sister hasn’t mentioned her either. Just yesterday, I drove to my sister’s house because she offered me some canned food and homemade jars of veggies and jams. Money’s been tight so I took her up on her offer.

We didn’t plan to meet at a specific hour so I just dropped off whenever I had the time. When I got inside (my BiL let me in) I was shocked to find that Katia was there. I thought she was there for me and told her upfront to not beg to get me back because it ain’t happening.

She looked at me and told me she’d never want me back and said she’s here for Flor and they’re having a pizza movie night.

I got really angry. I asked my sister what the hell she thought she was doing, thag she is betraying her own blood by stayi mg friends with her and that she must stop being friends with Katia because it’s unacceptable and I’ll tell our family that she’s betraying us.

She told me our family knows and to stop being a baby, she’s not going to listen to me. My BiL came in to see what’s going on, when he found out he called me an asshhole and kicked me out. On my way I told my sister that if they broke up I’d never be friends with my bil and that’s she’s an awful sister.

My mother just called me and told me to get a grip and grow up. I also got a phone call from my cousins and aunts. My sister basically told our whole family.

I genuinely thought I was right but everyone’s been on my case so I want to check who’s the asshol (my sister or I) to know how to continue. AITA for demanding my sister is not friends with my ex?

Note: This is the last post from OOP's account so I'm marking this as concluded.

Throwaway, for privacy. My (42M) sister (6yr older) passed away 6 years ago, leaving one son, “Jeff”, (11 at the time) and her husband, “Scott.”  I live in the same city and have always been close with my nephew, as, he, like me, is a precocious mathematician and coder. 

I got along fine with Scott, though he always struck me as a bit of a weak personality and not an intellectual match for my formidable and successful sister. She wore the pants in that marriage. Since her death, I stepped up my time with Jeff and continued to help him pursue enrichment in math/CS. 3yrs ago, Scott married “Jane”, who brought with her 2 daughters (now 9 and 11). Later, they had a son together (now 2).  It has not gone well for Jeff. Jane dominates Scott, and has pushed the “blended family”  hard.  Jeff has little in common with his sisters or Jane. I’d guess he’s got at least 25IQ points on anybody in that house.  Jane has also pushed him to be involved in her church, much to Jeff’s annoyance (my sister was vocally atheist and Jeff is not into religion either). He spends as much time at my house as he can get away with.

When it was time for Jeff to apply to college, his parents were insisting that he only consider commuting to one of two universities close to home, because, “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings” and because, “you should help out at home.”  They also objected to the cost, though my sister left a lot of money and a fully paid-off house behind. Much of this has been used to pay for a bigger house to accommodate the new family and for the stepkids’ private schools (lesson:leave your inheritance to a trust for your kids!). Jeff secretly applied to his mother’s alma mater, a top Ivy League school, and got in.  Jane was furious and she and Scott said they wouldn’t pay for him to go.  I happen to be successful, rich, and childless. I told them and Jeff that I would pay (I can afford it easily). His parents flipped out on him and me, and things have been tense for the last few months.  They continue to pressure Jeff not to go away to school, to the point that they ALSO put down a deposit for him at the local university. When it became clear that Jeff was really going, Jane pivoted to complaining that if I am paying for Jeff’s education, I should make the same contribution to her other kids, to which I replied that I am not related to her, her husband or her other kids;  I am related to Jeff, the son of the person whom I was closest to for much of my life. Jeff turns 18 in two weeks and I have offered to let him move in with me for this summer (and future summers, if necessary).  Jane has been berating me for “trying to break up her family” and Scott has been less strident but has asked me to consider Jane’s feelings.  Am I the asshole for interfering in my nephew’s family?

I (24M) recently met this incredible girl, Sarah (23F), through a mutual friend. From the jump, we clicked on so many levels she's hilarious, smart, and we share a lot of interests. After a few great dates, I thought we might really have something special.

A couple of weeks ago, Sarah sat me down and shared something important—she has a 3-year-old son. She had him when she was young, and the father isn't involved at all. She told me she has a solid support system and manages everything well, but honestly, I was caught off guard. I hadn’t even considered the possibility that she might be a mom.

I took a few days to think it over and realized that I’m just not ready for that kind of responsibility. It's not that I have anything against her or her son—it's just that I’m still figuring out my own life. I knew I had to be honest with her, so we met up for coffee.

I told her, as gently as I could, that while I think she's amazing, I don’t think I’m ready to be involved with someone who has a child. I explained that it's more about where I am in my own life and less about her or her son. She seemed to understand, but I could tell she was hurt and disappointed.

Later, our mutual friend told me that Sarah felt really judged and hurt by my decision. She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom and that I should have given it more of a chance.

Now I’m feeling really conflicted. On one hand, I believe it’s better to be upfront about my feelings rather than leading her on. But on the other hand, I hate the idea that I might have made her feel bad about something she can’t control.

So, Reddit, AITA for telling Sarah I won’t date her because she’s a single mother?

My older sister Rita (20f) is disabled. My sister's disability comes with a lot of health issues and while mentally she's capable, physically she cannot do much and struggles and struggled even with regular school. She never graduated highs school because she got so sick in senior year that it set her way back and she didn't get the grades to graduate. She was offered the chance to repeat but she said no because she was still really bad afterward. It's something that causes her a lot of distress and she still cries because she feels like she failed in the worst way. Nobody can convince her differently. She doesn't work and she doesn't go to school or anything. She's at home and gets taken care of by our parents.

I (17f) am still in school and I'm going into my senior year. There have been a lot of discussions about college or what other avenue I could go down. I was given information on this apprenticeship that could be perfect for me and my guidance counselor wanted me to give it consideration over the summer because they take high school graduates. It's exciting.

Rita was super upset to hear I had so many options. And not for the first time my parents expected me to think of her before making decisions. They suggested I focus on looking at community colleges only or not going to college at all and going into retail or a service industry job. They told me I could afford my own place if I were to do that.

I didn't get to go to camp because Rita couldn't and they didn't want me to have experiences she couldn't. I wasn't allowed to participate in school plays because Rita couldn't participate in hers (my parents would actually stop my teachers from including me). They refused to sign a permission slip that would have allowed me to enter a competition on behalf of my school, because Rita would never get to have an experience like that herself and they didn't feel it was right for me to have it then. The permission slip came in because some travel might be involved if I were to go anywhere. They pulled me out of art classes when I was young because I was doing super well and getting a lot of praise. My parents actually pressured me to ask if I could leave the classes. But they pulled me regardless.

Rita would always get upset when I achieved something or got presented with a great opportunity. She'd cry, ask me why I got everything and she got nothing. I felt bad for her but also resentful of the fact she was glad when our parents held me back.

This became a fight when the college stuff came up again and my parents saw me looking up the apprenticeship and my parents asked me how I could even think about going and how selfish I would be. They said I should aim for something lower for Rita's sake. Rita heard us argue about it and she said she knows I'm too selfish to give it up for her. I told them I hated them for expecting me to. Rita and my parents said I had no sense of family loyalty at all.

AITA?

So currently, my brother (47M) and his daughter (9F) live with me (49M) and my son (10M). now his daughter and my son have been constantly fighting each other since the day they first moved in, with her constantly picking on him, calling him a wuss, telling him to go back to where he came from (wanna clarify, they’re both the same race, he just moved back from Norway to the UK 10 months ago, because his mum and step dad died, so she’s just telling him to go back there as he’s not wanted here)

but anyways, on some occasions they may get along here and there but it’s rare. Ive of course talked to my brother about it and he’s had words with her, grounded her, etc. which seems to work but after a couple weeks or a month she goes back to her ways. But the reason I’m making this post was because of what happened 2 weeks ago (this is the story my son told me so I apologise if it doesn’t have a lot of details or something else)so my brothers daughter was up to her usual antics by taunting my son, and mocked him for having a belly ache and accused him of faking it.

He then asked her if she wants to know how her mum died to which she agreed and he told her the story (I’m not gonna say what it is as it’s private) but it ended up upsetting her, made her cry, she told her dad, he confronted my son about it, and he’s now asking me to punish him for telling her that story as he feels like it wasn’t the right time to tell her about what had happened and she’s just been sad for the past 2 weeks. But I’ve refused and told him I’m staying firm on my decision, because of the way she’s been treating him

My now ex husband was very selfish- always putting his wants before mine. He was also a hypochondriac. After we started dating, we decided to move in together and he insisted I rehome my cat because he said he was allergic. I don’t think he was allergic, but I think he believed he was so I stupidly rehomed my cat. Fortunately, I found a very good home for her, so I’m OK with that, but it was incredibly selfish for him to, ask me to do that

After we were married he suddenly decided he was allergic to our goose down pillows and comforter. I loved them! I tried to argue with him telling him that we had been using these for over a year, so how could he suddenly be allergic and he just got very angry and told me I didn’t care about him.

So I went to bed Bath and beyond and bought hypoallergenic, pillows, and comforter. I made sure he knew I had done this, and I put the pillows on the bed and the comforter in the duvet cover. The next day when he wasn’t around, I replaced them with the real thing I had hidden in the closet and took the cheap stuff back to the store since I had left the tags on. We were together for several more years and he never knew.

This probably stretches the limits of "petty" and "revenge" but I'm going to post it any way. I've never told a single person this story because it's so stupidly petty...

Around 20 years ago when I was in college, my girlfriend (girlfriend then, she's now my wife) and I had plans to go to a nice dinner in our parents' hometown. I had another commitment during the day that was going to leave me sweaty and dirty (I don't remember what it was, but I remember REALLY needing a shower before going to dinner). So the plan was that I would finish up during the day, meet her at her parents' house where I would quickly shower, and then we'd leave for dinner.

After I got done, I went to their house. My gf and her parents were asking me about how things went. All I remember is feeling so insanely dirty that I didn't want to stand there talking to them because I was sure that they could smell me from several feet away. I continued to inch my way up the stairs where I knew I would be showering.

When I felt like I could safely leave the conversation without being rude, I asked my gf, "you have soap/shampoo/etc up there that I can use to shower?"

She said, "yup."

This is when her dad (my now FIL) literally jumped up out of his seat saying, "no, no no, let me find you some men's soap, you don't want to use her soap!"

I quickly tried to stop him as I REALLY didn't care. I just wanted to shower. He insisted. So I stood there halfway up the stairs for a few minutes, desperately wanting to go up and shower while he rooted around in his bathroom trying to find some manly soap.

He eventually found something, handed it over, and I went upstairs. Being annoyed at 1) his overall insistence that I couldn't possibly use soap that wasn't intended for men and 2) having to wait longer to take the shower, I decided I was going to be petty and use my girlfriend's soap any way (TAKE THAT!)

But the actual petty revenge continues to this day. Her parents still live in that same house and we still live in a different city. So every time we go back to visit, we stay at their house. We still use that same bathroom when we go back. And that bathroom is always stocked with both "manly" and "girly" body washes.

Guess who uses the girly body wash every time I'm there? Even though I prefer the scents of the manly stuff. Even though not a single soul knows about how I was wronged or the revenge that I've been exacting for 20 years now...

He followed up with “you’d look great with a smile!”

Edit: wow really wonder who the men are in the comments 😂 I’ll take my hostile, mentally unstable cunt face that is meant to appease others right home, so sorry! 😊😊😊

My family is on vacation this week. My sister's boyfriend, Zane, came with us. We are buying all of Zane's groceries and meals.

Yesterday, Zane cooked himself a really big breakfast. Afterwards, I cooked hashbrowns, bacon, and eggs for me and my mom. When I finished cooking, Zane asked if he could have a little bit of our food. I said sure. He then ate 70 flipping percent of the food I had made. I seriously had to cook more just so my mom and I could have enough.

Then last night, I cooked 2 chicken breasts for Zane and my dad (they don't like seafood), and I told them ahead of time they each had 1. Zane ate BOTH chicken breasts. My poor dad had to go get fast food for dinner. Zane said, "Sorry I ate both. I was just hungry."

In general, Zane has completely drained our snack supply - even things we bought for ourselves (gluten free/keto friendly snacks). He seriously eats all day long.

I confronted my sister and told her that Zane is a pig and needs to cool it. My mom and dad agree, but my sister is upset with me. AITA?

Edit: Wow First off thank you all so much for your responses! I honestly felt like such a bad sister with all this, but feeling so much better now. I took so many of your tips and suggestions, and had a conversation with my brother about setting my firm budget and what he can expect from me and explained my situation. He was actually very understanding and apologized for any anxiety he caused me. Hopefully he continues to be understanding. Thank you all so much!

So quick facts I (30 F) have a brother (33M). He and his husband (34M) are in the process of adopting 2 babies from 2 different women. My brother makes about 95K and his husband makes about 80K, both are teachers in high paying districts. I am a single person and make about 60K (also a teacher) and I just bought a house last year. I do not get paid over the summer, and I am in 2 weddings coming up which also takes a lot of money.

My brother and his husband are understandably very excited and want to have a baby shower to help get stuff for possibly 2 babies. One baby is due Sept 26th and the other is Oct 15th. Here is where things get a bit dicey. They (mostly my brother) wants to have a big fancy baby shower with possibly 100 guests or more. He said it will be like a mini wedding and even got into a fight with his MIL about the cost of a venue and expecting them to shell out the money for it. She called him spoiled and he got very offended.

Of course I want to help out as much as I can I offered to make the invitations and to help organize stuff. But as I talked with my brother I realized just how much he is expecting me and his SIL (31 F) to contribute since all the parents and themselves are paying over $6,500 for the venue/food/drink.

From what I understand he mentioned we would cover decorations, center pieces, favors, setting up, doing the seating chart - which is reasonable. But then he started to mention a mini bottles of Champagne for each person as a favor, a photo booth, and other extras like that, on top of a gift. (I was told I could get the other crib or bassinet since SIL is getting one about $350.) When I said all of that is a lot of money he said "Just be glad I'm not asking you to contribute to paying for the venue like I was going to originally do".

Of course I want to spoil my nieces and to help out as much as I can, and maybe it's that they just expect me to put out all this money without asking. I've also always been the money conscious one and even helped bail my bother out of credit card debt a few years ago. (just 3K and he did eventually pay me back).

So AITAH? Also how much do siblings generally contribute towards a baby shower?

My husband and I are expecting twins. This was news that was both really amazing (because infertility on my end) and worrying (because of bad experiences on his end). To cut what could be a very long story short. My husband has three sets of twins in his family. He has twin siblings, he has twin cousins and his grandfather is a twin. His siblings are identical twins while the cousins and grandfather are fraternal twins.

The twins in my husband's family do not fit the stereotype that twins are bffs and always have each other's backs and love doing things together. His siblings and cousins hate each other and he never met his grandfather's twin because the two of them haven't spoken in what must be 60 years by now. In his experience being twins makes you less close. He also acknowledges the societal pressure can be another factor of that because the assumption is there that you'll be closer than anyone.

Twins was such a huge surprise for us that my husband went into panic mode and he has struggled with anxiety since. So he started therapy. He worries that our kids will end up as bad as his sisters, who have done some horrible shit to each other out of spite and malice toward each other. He lived with them every day growing up and he said it only got worse the older they got.

My family are aware of the anxiety he feels and my mom has been so shitty about it. She minimized it at first and I made it clear that needed to stop. But she made comments to him behind my back until he told me. She was calling him pathetic for a man and saying he was going to make our twins feel like they had to be close or he'd fall apart in front of them. Even though she knew he was working through it. She called him a lesser man because of this. When he told me I was so pissed, I confronted her, told her that she had no business being so awful to him over this, said she's being a bully and I won't stand for it and I made her leave.

She was shocked, angry. My dad is also angry I made her leave. They said I had no business calling her a bully.

AITA?

regarding bumping into my Ex Jen when I was on a trip to my hometown. My wife saw me talking to her and came up to me, and like an idiot, I forgot to introduce Jen to my wife. My wife was a bit upset that I did not tell Jen I was married. Thanks everyone who commented and let me know unanimously how stupid I was during the whole interaction.

We came back home yesterday. Although my wife seemed to have gotten over the incident, I decided it would be best to apologize to her and let her know that I did not have any wrong intentions. It was just a "deer in a headlight" moment for me and I should have introduced her to Jen.

At night, when my wife was scrolling her phone in bed, I decided to bring up the topic. I told her that I wanted to apologize for the incident on Saturday. I know I messed up royally and I should have introduced her to Jen, so she can see that I am happily married together. I told her that I was just surprised to see her, and I really wanted to get out of the conversation as soon as possible.

My wife said it was ok and she saw flustered I was when I was talking to Jen. She said that when Jen saw me and hugged me, everyone at the table started staring at us. One of my friends Rita, made some scandalous comments regarding why Jen is doing shmoozing with me. My wife had never seen Jen's picture and took her a while to realize that it was Jen. She thought she would stand next to me, and once I tell Jen that I am here with my wife, she would leave me alone. However, when she stood next to me for more than a minute, I did not notice. Jen noticed her and gave her a dirty look. Once I turned around to go to the table, she was hoping I would introduce her to Jen, so Jen knows she was my wife and not some random girl standing next to me. However, I just hurried back to the table with her.

I again apologized to her and told her that from my perspective, I was just trying to finish the conversation and get back to the table. In hindsight, I should have done what she said but I froze in the moment and was not thinking straight. She again asked me why I was acting so weird around Jen. I wish I had a better answer, but talking to Jen just felt wrong and all I was thinking was I need to get back to my wife. I asked her if she felt bad that I was talking to Jen or that she hugged me. She told me that she has always been curious about Jen since I was so close to marrying her. And when she saw me around her, she felt I was still acting like how someone acts around their crush. Moreover, she saw Jen and realized how beautiful she was and felt insecure in that moment. My friends making a big deal out of it did not help either. She asked me if I ever wished Jen did not break up with me. I told her that if I had a time machine, I would wish 100 out of 100 times that Jen would break up with me, so that I got to meet my wife and build such a beautiful life together. This made her smile, and she gave me a big hug.

I asked her if I should message Jen and let her know I am married? She said there is no need to do that since my profile picture on messages is a picture with my wife, and Jen should have seen that already. Also, my Instagram is public with a lot of pictures of my wife and me, So, she asked me to just ignore her message and get on with our lives. Again, thanks everyone for being so brutally honest (as I would expect from Reddit).

I'm going to a bachelorette this weekend for a high school friend, and the whole original HS crew is attending (8 total girls). Everything has been very normal until yesterday - we received a text from one of the girls saying she cannot be away from her 7 mo. old baby more than 2 nights, so she'll have to bring him (We are all staying in the same Airbnb). The group chat was DEAD silent for a couple of hours until I chimed in and said "I think it's best you stay home... I don't think a bachelorette is any place for a baby" and directly following I was told I was "bold" and "too harsh" because the bride was OK with it...

I think this whole situation is bizarre... we are going to be taking tequila shots and going bar hopping with a newborn? What do we do during the day when he needs to nap or if he cries all night?

so... AITA?

I am not OOP. OOP is They posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: incest, possible grooming/pedophilia

Mood Spoiler: pretty dark and gross

May 18, 2024

I just need a place to let this out.

Last week, I (29F) caught my husband Jack (30M) cheating on me with his stepsister Claire (24F).

I went out with a friend last Saturday and planned to stay at her house. Jack didn't want to be alone all night, so he said he'd just go hangout with his stepsister (they've always been close), and they ended up going to a bar.

I was feeling unwell and just wanted my bed, so I decided to get an Uber and head home.

I was not expecting to walk in on them having sex on the couch... I literally threw up on the floor by the front door.

They told me they were drunk and it just kinda happened. I screamed at them both to leave. Jack refused to leave and refused to sleep on the couch, so I ended up leaving anyways and went back to my friend's.

I am still in shock that he actually slept with Claire. I think I'm gonna file for a divorce. I am so overwhelmed and uncomfortable.

Has anyone else gone through this? Please message me if so, I feel very alone and confused. Also, do I tell their parents that's why we're gonna get a divorce?! I've been isolating myself a lot because of this.

Relevant Comments:

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I’m guessing this wasn’t the first time. I’m sorry OP. Please don’t hesitate to tell people why you are divorcing so he doesn’t have the opportunity to paint you as the bad guy.

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Wow. I am so sorry OP. Definitely tell their parents.

I’m curious, how long have they been step siblings?

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Their parents got married when he was 10 and she was 4... It makes me kinda sick that they've been in each other's lives since they were young and could actually do this. They've always said they consider themselves as full siblings, so this is really disturbing.

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They probably said that to throw you off. Sorry, they’ve probably been doing this for a very long time.

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I agree. I feel like something like this doesn’t just happen after so many years of living as “siblings”. It may have been going on for a while but what worries me is since when? There is a 6yr age difference here. Even if they did wait until she was 18 (he’d be 24), just the fact that he could look at her as anything other than his bratty lil sister is very disturbing and concerning. So run sounds like way too much to deal with that is not your responsibility.

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You think? Even ignoring the step sister element, he took a girl into your home knowing you wouldn't be there to fuck her, I'm gonna bet is not the first time something like this happened, get proof, lawyer up, and tell the family.

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Has she tried calling you?

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Yes, Claire tries texting me everyday to apologize, and is begging me not to tell anyone.

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It's not your burden to keep their shameful betrayal a secret. The faster you tell ppl and get it out in the open, the sooner this will all be over.

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If they have been step siblings since ages 10 and 4, not only would I expect them to see each other as siblings, I’d also expect him to see her as his “little” sister. When he hit puberty, she would’ve just been 7ish years old, and it strikes me as kind of predatory for him to see her sexually, even if they are both consenting adults now, because that attraction wouldn’t just have randomly developed after all this time. It would’ve been there - acted upon or not - for many years, likely while he was an adult and she still a minor.

May 23, 2024 (5 days later)

I wanted more information on how long it’s been going on and at what age it started, so I decided to text Claire. I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone if she answered my questions. She agreed to tell me everything.

I asked her when they first had sex. At first she told me it was their first time, but I told her I’m not believing that, she then confessed that their first time was right before she turned 18… I am so disgusted and extremely concerned.

Then I asked her if it’s still been happening since then, and she said no. She explained that they did it when she was 17, and never did it again until last week. I don’t think I can trust her though. Idk.

She also told me that Jack is the one who initiated sex, but who knows if that’s the truth, it very well could be though.

Jack and I have been together for 5 years (married for 2). We were gonna start trying for a baby soon, so I’m crushed. I wasted so many years of my life with this man, idk who he even is right now.

I lied to Claire though. I 100% planned on telling their parents. Some of you say that it would be wrong to do so, but because it happened when she was 17, I felt like they needed to know, and deal with it however they choose.

They didn’t believe me at first, until I showed them the screenshots of mine and Claire’s conversation. They still seem to be in denial a little bit, I don’t blame them though.

I told them I’m filing for divorce and that I am moving on with my life. They gave me a hug and said they’d speak to both of them, but I told my MIL that I didn’t wanna know anything else, and to please let me live in peace. She’s gonna respect that.

I more than likely won’t have more updates, but I wanted everyone to know that I’m for sure getting a divorce and gonna find a therapist because I’m depressed and need the support to move on.

Thank you to everyone who was kind and gave me advice and support.

Relevant Comments:

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Good luck to you! I wish you nothing but the best.

Does stbx feel any remorse at all?

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Nope. He’s being very cold towards me and refuses to leave the house so I’ve been staying with my friend. 

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A lot of times when I was working with younger clients, they lied to me about certain parts of their stories, and oftentimes, their lies had a part that was true. It is very well possible that she was younger than she “almost 18”, so the truth is that she was underage, the lie is about the timeline. Just saying.

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Also, if sex happened at 17, then there had to be significant grooming leading up to it. Contrary to what PornHub would have us believe, step-siblings don't just suddenly decide to blink for shits and giggles (and horny, one-handed clicks). 🤮

Edit: blink = boink 😂

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While she’s certainly not innocent at her age now, he was 23 and she was 17 when this started…he’s a grooming creep, you’re dodging a bullet. But I’m sorry you’re going through this

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They had been step-siblings for years before she turned 17... it was absolutely grooming.

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The beginning age of 17 was also given by a person caught fucking their sibling. How truthful do we think this number really is..? 🤢

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Don’t leave the house. That can be thought of as abandoned property.

Get an attorney. One who specializes in nasty divorces. You want a shark for this.

Ask for the divorce record to be kept private (or not, if you want to be able to refer people to court notes)

Engage a therapist. Not because you need one right now, but because, trust me, there will be days where you will.

Separate bank accounts, take your name off of the joint ones after your lawyer tells you to. Have your official documents somewhere safe - DL, SS card, house note, car notes, spare money, bank vault stuff etc

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I know people are saying you told the parents out of petty revenge, but I think you were right to tell them. Who knows what your husband would have told his parents about the reasons for the divorce, in order to hide his own wrongdoings. He might have started telling them, and others, that it was YOU who cheated. Believe me, I've seen it happen. It's important that you've set the record straight

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I’m weirdly proud of you, that took such courage and you handled it with incredible dignity. I wish you well as you start to pick up the pieces. I know this is the furthest thing from your mind but one day you will meet someone who will make you glad you left Jack.

Editor's Note: OOP has said she won't update any further. I hope she gets out of this mess, divorces him, and gets safe and happy in the future, but I don't expect an update, so I am marking it concluded.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

This was a while ago and I’m over him now, but about 2 years ago I dated a coworker (I know now that that was a mistake I was barely in my 20s when this happened). We started as friends and hung in the same circles until we couldn’t deny the attraction anymore. A couple months into dating we were planning on moving in together and maybe even getting married one day. We were inseparable and he was so affectionate with his words and actions. But then I got a promotion that required me to go out of state. We decided to do long distance for a while and I would keep a lot of my stuff at his place until I moved back, then we would live together. Unfortunately a month into long distance he ghosted me. There was no indication that things were going wrong so I was devastated and blindsided. I had never been in a relationship before so he was my first heartbreak, but the most annoying part was that he refused to acknowledge my existence even as just friends. We were in similar group chats and he would just skip over my comments, he would go out of town when I came in town, and he would get mad at me for hanging out with our mutual friends (I found this out through the grapevine, it was one of the few things I knew about him after the break up). Eventually I moved on and met someone new but I was still very hurt that someone who I once considered a great friend would just cut me out of my life for no reason.

So here’s where the petty revenge comes from. We have a company homepage that shows different slides of employees doing things like receiving awards or special events. The homepage plays on the tv screens at work as well as the computers. One day the company sent an email asking for pictures with a prompt, so I chose the pretty picture of myself I could find and a nice fluffy paragraph to go with it. Now the ex that ghosted me has to see my face every time he walks into work and opens up his computer. A revenge a year in the making.

Edit: when I said I met someone new that was later down the road and I am not with the someone new anymore. Sorry for the confusion. The revenge and the dating a new person didn’t happen at the same time.

I'm staying with my mom for a few months, and since we're living together I am seeing a lot of her friends, I've known them all since childhood and they're my friends now too by extension - her friends first, of course, but I text and talk on the phone with some of them and always look forward to gatherings or breakfast/lunch/dinner meetups. I haven't worn a bra for at least 13 years. Sometimes if I'm wearing a special top or dress it will look better with a bra and I will do that for myself, but I generally wear t-shirts, flower tops, goodies, etc., with no bra. My mom has started to complain that it embarasses her, and she claims a few people we both know have mentioned that it makes them uncomfortable. I don't wear anything revealing. No see-through fabric, no low cut tops, nothing skin-tight. Some shirts are fitted and you can see the shape of my (relatively small for my frame - I'm 5'9, 180lbs, and have a C cup) breasts. Other shirts are not fitted, but you can see the shape of my nipples through many. I have agreed to compromise with her by wearing a bra if I accompany her to church, or if we go to a public place like a restaurant or the theater to see a play. But I don't really want to wear a bra any time we go visit someone to sit around in their backyard drinking coffee, or go on a walk/hike, or go help someone paint theory house or do gardening chores. I can't tell if I'm being selfish. AITA?

I think causing significant traffic delays and inconveniencing potentially hundreds of thousands of people to do some basic road construction is ridiculous and should be done at night.

My (35F) son (19M) cheated on his girlfriend. She broke up with him and made sure to inform me. I let my son know I was disappointed, but I didn't say or do anything else. His relationships have nothing to do with me.

However, my husband is upset with me and says I should do more. He told me that he doesn't want my son living with us any longer since he's "not comfortable having a cheater around the house" and suggested that my son go live with his father. I found that ridiculous. I am not kicking my son out of my house because he cheated.

I told my husband that if he was that upset about it, he could go find somewhere else to stay. Now, he's sulking around the house. He told me that saying that made him feel like a guest in our home because he should get an equal say in who stays since we are married.

I told him that my son has been living in my home longer than he has, so it was his home too. This made my husband upset, and he told me that he feels like I don't value him over my son. I told him that I don't and now he's upset about that too.

I'm not asking if I'm the asshole for not kicking my son out. That was never up for discussion. I'm asking if I'm the asshole for making my husband feel like a guest in our home. I believe he do have equal say over who gets to stay but that doesn't apply to my son.

Edit: My son is not 35, and he did not "move back in." I never said he was 35, nor did I say he was ever moved out.

Edit 2: What did you read that said I condoned cheating? I talked to my son, and he knows I wasn't okay with what he did. I can't ground him, and I can't take away his car. But since I won't kick him out of the house, that means I'm okay with cheating? Let me remind you that I never came here to get judged on whether it was okay for me not to kick my son out. I was never going to do that in the first place.

I am not OOP. OOP is and they posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: sudden death

Mood Spoiler: heavy, with a lot of grief, but also uplifting in how the family supports one another

May 6, 2024

My fiancé (27M, I’ll call him Mike) and I (28F) are about to be married in August. However, his brother (23M, I’ll call him Steve) just passed away yesterday.

I’m sorry, but this is kinda heavy. Steve was involved in an accident on his way to work yesterday. I won’t go into details, but Steve was even rushed to the hospital and had a chance to talk to Mike. However, after a few hours, the doctor told us he’s gone.

Mike and I were asleep when someone called about Steve’s condition. Of course, we hurriedly drove to the hospital. No bathing, no breakfast, no nothing. We just put on the first decent clothes we grabbed then rushed. I also just bought some food from the hospital cafeteria while Mike was in the waiting room as it has been almost 12 hours since we last ate.

This is the first time I saw Mike being really emotional and lost. Usually, he’s very funny and lighthearted. He could always find a silver lining in any situation, and he can make me laugh however terrible my mood is. He’s also usually sharp-witted. He’s also the type of guy who always knows what to do in every situation. If ever we’re lost on a remote island in an exotic area with no money, phones, or maps, for sure Mike would know how we’d find our way home (also, he’ll find a way for us to enjoy our stay there). Now, I can’t even talk to him properly because he’s just staring at a wall and he’s like mumbling to himself. It really feels like he’s a different person. We haven’t talked about and processed everything because it all happened so fast. Of course, I’m not blaming him for anything given what happened. We’re both still in shock, and I can’t even imagine how terrible he feels right now.

As for Steve, he’s really like a brother to me. Mike and I have been together since high school, so for more than 10 years, Steve and I have been treating each other like siblings. He’s like Mike’s carbon copy in terms of humor and intellect. We had a really tight bond, so we had a lot of inside jokes, teasing, ganging up on Mike, and giving each other advice. I looked back to our last conversation, and his last message to me last night was “Yoyoyo, our dream photog confirmed earlier!! Your prenup shoot is a go for June 1st!! So excited!!” and I didn’t even reply to him because I was busy with work. I also read back our conversation history, and I’ve been crying and laughing simultaneously because of all his stupid jokes. He even asked me if I had cute cousins or friends that could be his date to the wedding.

Also, Mike and Steve were really close. Their mom passed away when Steve was born, and their dad had been bedridden due to stroke since 2015, and he passed away last 2021. They also don't have other relatives they know of. Through these years, Mike had been his family’s breadwinner, and he also supported Steve financially through his high school and college years. Their relationship was really weird to me because I was used to having a lot of fights and passive-aggressiveness with my sisters, but with them, it’s like they’re always getting along??? Their most major rift I can recall was when Steve mistakenly ate the burger that Mike brought home and was reserved for me, but then we all just laughed it off after they talked it out. Even when Steve came out as gay, he really thought Mike would disown him because of their very religious upbringing, but Mike accepted him wholeheartedly. Mike’s even the one constantly teasing Steve with his crushes (like Harry Styles and the Cobra Kai guy). It was even Mike who’s always more excited when we’re going to Pride March with Steve and his friends.

Right now, Mike’s really lost. When they were orphaned, my family essentially “adopted” them. Right now, as I’m typing this in our apartment, my parents are with Mike, along with my aunt who’s a nurse, giving him emotional support and guiding him with whatever needs to be processed (medical, legal, police, etc.). My sister also volunteered to do all his stuff (chores, paperwork, coordination with his work, etc.). I just came home now to get some clothes and to notify my work that I’ll be out for the week, then I’ll meet them at the police station later.

My dad also offered that to cover all the expenses, but Mike refused. He said that since Steve is his brother, he wants to do this himself as a way to honor Steve, but my dad insisted, so we’re covering 50% for now to help lighten Mike’s burdens.

Right now though, my dilemma is… do we still push through with our wedding? I know this sounds shallow, petty, and insensitive given everything happening, but I still need to think about the practical side of things. I mean, we’re fortunate to have some hefty funds allotted for the wedding, but it’s not to the point that we can afford to have a lot of it go to waste, so I have to think about our financials. We have a prenup shoot in three weeks, we’re currently in talks with the reception venue, and we have appointments with food, flower, and other suppliers in the upcoming weeks. We’ve also booked other things (the church, the band, and the hair and makeup artist), so I need to know if anything has to be canceled (hopefully, we can get refunds, but I’d understand if it’s not possible anymore). Plus, a lot of our friends and my relatives have already confirmed (some have even booked flights since they’re coming from other countries). I haven’t really talked to Mike or my parents about any of this.

I really don’t want to bring anything up because of what happened to Steve, but I feel like I have to step up in this aspect so it doesn’t add to Mike’s burdens.

Above all, it really feels wrong not to have Steve there. Not just for Mike, but for me too. He was always the one who helped patch things up whenever Mike and I had misunderstandings and minor fights, and he was also Mike’s accomplice when he proposed to me. He was also supposed to be Mike’s best man. I don’t know how we should forward with this. Of course, my priority is Mike’s well-being, as well as our future family’s, but I also have to balance it out by thinking of our finances.

There, I’m really sorry if this post has been such a long, incoherent, heavy mess, but I hope you can help me out. Usually, it’s really Mike who knows what to do in situations like these, but our brains are all scrambled and I’m having difficulty collecting and organizing my thoughts.

PS. Steve, I know you’re up there. I hope you know that your brother and I love you so much! I hope you’re much happier, and I hope you can find a baby blue cardigan because I know you get cold easily and that’s your favorite color. I really really really miss you, and I still hope this is all just a bad dream. I pray that when I wake up tomorrow, you’re in the kitchen, drinking your super sweet coffee I always tease you for. But in any case, don’t worry about Mike. I got him. Rest well. We love you!

EDIT: I'm sorry for previously mixing up Steve and Mike in some paragraphs. I was so scatterbrained when I wrote this.

Relevant Comments:

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If you need to keep busy and feel productive right now,  I'd suggest contacting all your wedding vendors and asking them about the options,  whether postponing or canceling, and what the time frames for moving events or getting refunds are.  Don't commit to anything,  just tell them that you've had a death in the family and would like to know all the options before bringing it up with your fiance.  

This way,  you'll have all the info, you won't need to stress Mike out with organizing and phone calls,  and you two can just look at the notes and make the call.  See if you can postpone the prenuptial shoot, as 3 weeks isn't a lot of time to process,  and he'll be focused on the funeral.  After the funeral (not after as in when people have just left)  you can tell him that you got the info from the vendors for when he's ready to talk about it.  

My condolences to you both. 

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Your fiancé's brother died yesterday.

Yesterday.

Give it a minute. Everybody's in shock. Maybe help your fiancé make it through the day and don't worry about the wedding for now.

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Yeah, I guess I'm also in shock but I just don't know how to help Mike and this was the first thing that came to mind. You're right, thank you

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I'm sorry for the tragedy you and your family are going through. I am sure it's quite a shock for your fiancé.

It's hard to say whether the right answer is to delay the wedding or to go through with it, my only advice would be to give it a bit of time if the situation allows for it for the dust to settle and the grieving processing to run its course before making any potentially life changing decisions. Moving forward with the wedding could be a good way to help deal with the pain of not having your brother in law around any more, and act as a celebration of your wedding vows and your brother in law's life. I would follow your fiancé's lead but maybe give it a bit of time before approaching.

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His only living family member died in a traumatic way….Sometimes when there is a tragedy, things have to go to “waste.” You do not sound like you are in a financial bind necessarily. Even if you lost a lot of the wedding funds, would it be more important for your fiance to grieve and have support, or to have money for a lavish wedding? People would typically understand if you had to cancel your wedding due to this. I am guessing you are shell shocked and your mind wants to escape the grief and your wedding plans are a place to go. Sorry for your loss. Consider the circles of grief, you are on an outside ring so only pour comfort in to the inner circle (aka fiancé). If I had to guess, your fiance might not be in the best place to do a prenup photo shoot or meet with vendors. Can you repurpose the photographer to do something for the funeral services if they are happening?

May 21, 2024

Hi, so just a quick update no one really asked for.

Mike and I are not pushing through with the wedding for the time being.

While I was posting on Reddit asking strangers and stressing out about what to do, Mike apparently still has a handle on things despite everything. 2 days after we received the news about Steve's (Mike's brother) passing, Mike talked to me, asking me if it was alright if we could postpone the wedding for now. He was very apologetic to me and I could tell his mind was still trying to keep up with everything that was happening. I told him not to worry about it, and I reassured him that me and my family are by his side through this.

Mike was still very much shell-shocked by everything that happened. My sisters and their boyfriends took over coordinating with our wedding vendors, suppliers, and guests. I'm so grateful that everyone was accommodating enough to understand our situation. We either got a full refund or were allowed to reschedule at a later date for each of our vendors. Our guests who had already booked flights were also very gracious and pretty much just wanted to commiserate with me and Mike.

My nurse aunt took care of all the hospital procedures and paperwork, while my dad has been walking Mike through all the police and legal proceedings related to Steve's passing. My mom took care of the funeral, and it was a beautiful service. Steve's friends also organized a separate memorial tribute for him, and I really felt how much Steve was loved by the people he touched. My only job throughout all this was to look after Mike, making sure he ate and slept (even though it was difficult), and just assuring him that I'm here for him.

Mike and I went home to our apartment last Saturday. It was his first time back since, and it was also the first time we were alone since Steve's passing. When we got to our bedroom, Mike asked if he could have a few moments alone. It was the first time he cried and broke down, and he was screaming through his pillows and all (but I could still hear him back in our kitchen). We've decided to look into grief counseling, and we're having our first sessions tomorrow (we're going separately).

As for our wedding, I assured him that there's absolutely no pressure. I'll be right here waiting whenever he's ready. Now that we've gone through the past two weeks, looking back, me stressing out about finances and all really seemed so trivial compared to the emotional, physical, and mental roller coaster we experienced. I can't even begin to imagine what Mike is going through, but I know he'll get through this.

That's it. Just wanted to share this update with anyone who cares.

PS. Steve, you know I made sure you looked fabulous even in your final moments. We miss you so much, dear! We love you!

Relevant Comments:

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It’s very touching how your whole family came together to help. I’m sure Mike appreciates it. Thank you for the update!

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My heart is breaking for you. The way you speak about and to Steve shows just how much love you have for him. I’m just an internet stranger but I want you to know that it may never go away but the pain will get easier.

Just keep seeing there for each other and loving each other and remembering Steve and the way that you all love and care for each other ❤️

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I lost my younger brother 30 years ago, shortly after he turned 18.

The first year is a blur of firsts without him. After that things settle down.

I'm glad you decided to postpone the wedding, giving all of you time to grieve his loss.

Sending gentle comforting hugs if wanted.

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OP, please remember to look after yourself as well. Caring people such as yourself also need help, support, reassurance and care.

Editor's Note: OOP didn't comment on the last post and has not been active for a month. They may update in the future, but it seems less likely, so I am marking this inconclusive. If you disagree with this tag, let me know. I really wasn't sure about this one!

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I (21f) used to live with two roommates (both 21f) in an off-campus student housing apartment. We used to be friends prior to moving in but ultimately we did not get along as they were disrespectful of my property and our shared space. They both found housing for next year while I decided to stay in the same apartment unit.

The apartment staff clearly stated that they were required to clean every apartment before the next tenant arrived thus everything had to be empty before leaving. However since I renewed my lease, I could keep everything in my room but I had to leave the living room and kitchen completely empty.

The day before my roommates moved out, they asked me if they could keep some of their boxes with me and I said 'no'. I was going home for the summer that day and I thought I made it clear that they had to find other arrangements.

I received an email a week ago stating I was fined $900 for failure to clean my space. I drove to my student housing apartment the same day to check on my apartment and speak to the housing staff. When I got to my apartment, I noticed several things still in my living room. These were my roommates like their T.V., vacuum, water purifier, dish rack, rice cooker, toaster, rug, coach pillows, ottoman, boxes, etc.

I spoke to the apartment staff and explained none of these things were mine and instead were my roommates, thus I shouldnt have been fined. However, they explained that my roommates were no longer on the lease as of late May, thus any belongings in there would be by responsibility. In the end, they basically said there was nothing they can do and I had to pay the fine- which was a lot of money, so my summer savings were basically gone in an instant.

When I got home, I messaged my roommates and told them about the situation. They gave a half ass apology and said they assumed it wouldn't be an issue since I had the lease and we all collectively used some of the stuff they left, thus was technically my responsibility too. I asked them to both pay me $450 each to cover the fine. They said 'no'.

To that I said, "Yeah, we all used those things. But now they're all mine. I had to pay the fine, I'm gonna keep everything you guys left."

They began to freak out and spam messaged me about how I'm being an asshole for keeping their personal belongings. I ignored the messages. After they got on social media and blasted me for being a thief. I had many of their friends harass me. Now they're getting their parents involved, but so am I. I know whatever they left was probably worth more than the fine, but I'm not going to pay for someone else's carelessness. They assumed they could just come over after the summer and retrieve their stuff while bypassing the need to buy a storage unit or find other arrangements to store their stuff.

Am I the asshole for keeping all my roommates belongings after they moved out, despite them wanting it back?

My boyfriend and I have lived together almost 2 years now. He never helps with household chores and even when we were working the exact same job the house always fell to me. I cook i clean i take out the trash and i go around and tidy the house every day. Two months ago my boyfriend became paralyzed in his legs and can currently not walk. He still has use of his arms and is getting better every day but he's tired and i know its hard for him. My problem is this: he was never a helpful partner before his accident and now im doing all the house things in addition to caring for him full time. Even little things like "hey can you pass me that water glass" he defaults to "no" even though he is able to do that. If he does anything around the house he expects me to act like he's doing me some big favor. My main issue is this: my boyfriend still has the energy to pester me for sex and constantly saying sexual things and grabbing me when i walk by but somehow has no energy for doing housework that is still in his ability to do (no heavy lifting just small tasks). I feel like im his mom not an equal partner to the best of our current abilities.

AITA for expecting my partner to help in the ways he is still physically able?

Update:

My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been married for 8 years, and we have 2 children aged 4 and 6. My wife has been a SAHM since we had children.

Prior to dating me, my wife was in a long term relationship with her ex. Ever since we had our first child, he had been sending her flowers every year on Mother’s Day, and it always made me very uncomfortable, but my wife was always appreciative of those flowers, and she called him and thanked him every time. It frustrated me because I try and make the day as special as possible for her, and she still sought external validation from her ex, who she has no reason to even be in contact with anymore. I expressed my feelings many times to her over the years, but she always said I’m overreacting and that he is just sending flowers on Mother’s Day to appreciate her as mother, and there was nothing more to it.

Last month on Mother’s Day, her ex again sent her flowers and she was obviously very happy about it. It frustrated me a lot but I hid my reaction because I didn’t want to ruin her Mother’s Day. However, the next day, I started emotionally distancing from my wife, and a couple of days later, my wife wanted to talk about this because it was the elephant in the room and it was affecting the home atmosphere.

We talked about it, and to be honest, I went a bit overboard on my rant, because I was extremely frustrated with everything. I told her that I was tired of being disrespected and unheard for years. I then told her that she was extremely privileged and spoilt being a SAHM. I told her to look at my sister (32F) for example. My sister also had 2 children, but she was a single mom as her deadbeat ex cheated on her. My sister also worked at a big tech company, she was hard working, and she was the type of woman who deserves a Mother’s Day gift and appreciation, and not my wife.

I immediately regretted saying all that, and felt extremely guilty after because my wife didn’t say anything, she just seemed shocked. We didn’t speak much after that. That night, she cried. The next couple of weeks were pretty rough, and we barely spoke. After that we slowly started speaking again, and we both agreed on looking for a couples therapist. My wife also admitted she was wrong to not listen to my feelings, and she has communicated to her ex that there will be no contact between them anymore, and she has also blocked her ex.

Was I the AH with how I handled everything?

This is more of a “are we the assholes”, since my whole family is involved with this. I’ve posted about this situation on a wedding sub before, but after talking to some friends about it, I’m worried that me and my family could be in the wrong here. Advice is welcome!

Situation: My twin brother “Jerry” (23M) is getting married in the fall to his fiancee “Abby” (24F). Abby comes from a very wealthy family, whereas Jerry and I (23F) come from a family that is firmly middle-class. The wedding will take place at a very fancy resort in Virginia. The wedding and honeymoon are being paid for by Abby’s parents.

After they selected the venue a few months ago, Abby’s mom (50F) called my and Jerry’s mom (56F) to give her the information about the wedding room block at the resort hotel. She told my mom that the rooms in the hotel each slept 2 people, and they started at $365/night (not including the parking or resort fees, which in total brings the price up to around $450/night). Abby’s mom said that she was looking forward to hanging out with our whole family in the resort hotel, and then she hung up.

This is where we could be TAH: After hearing the price of the rooms, my mother knew that our family wouldn’t be able to afford to stay there. So, she instead rented a house on AirBnB for the wedding weekend. The house has enough room for my parents, me and my husband, my sister and her husband, and my grandparents to all stay there, and it was much cheaper than the resort. It’s also only 0.5 miles away.

In ADDITION to renting a house for our immediate family, my mom reserved a room block at a small, inexpensive hotel about 2 miles away from the venue for her side of the family. None of her family members are wealthy (they are all middle to lower-middle class), and she knew that they wouldn’t be able to afford staying at the resort either. She let them know about the rooms (she reserved 6 in total), and they were all very appreciative. Her family members have now all booked their rooms at the small hotel, instead of the resort.

After renting the house and making the separate hotel block, my mom called Abby’s mom back and thanked her for providing the hotel info, but let her know that our family members would be staying at a rental house and a cheaper hotel instead. Abby’s mom was UPSET. She told my mom that we were being “extremely rude" by “encouraging” people to stay elsewhere, and said that price shouldn’t be an issue, since the rooms were “only $365 per night! That’s a huge discount off of the regular price!”

My mom was very embarrassed, but told Abby’s mom that we just couldn’t afford it, and hung up. A few weeks later, we all received a text from Abby’s parents saying that they were worried about not getting enough rooms in their block at the resort filled, and that if more people didn’t book them, their family would have to pay for the unused rooms. Abby asked us one more time to reconsider, and we said no. We haven’t spoken much since, except for other wedding-related things.

So, are we TAH for not staying at the resort hotel, and making separate accommodations for our family? Most of the people I’ve spoken about this with IRL say no, but I’ve recently had a few friends who are recent brides tell me that our family is being rude. They said that by staying at a different hotel, our family is making a statement that we don’t like the bride or her family. I hadn’t considered that, and now I’m worried that we could be TAH.