Q&As

I (26F) have been married to my husband (27M) for two years now. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but recently I discovered something that has shaken me to my core.

I have always been open-minded and quite liberal in my beliefs; I volunteer at a shelter for people experiencing homelessness and work at a center specializing in youth mental health. My husband, on the other hand, portrayed himself as similarly minded when we first met. We fell in love, got married, and I have been the primary breadwinner while he pursued various career interests, none of which panned out so far, and he is currently unemployed.

The trouble started when I stumbled upon some online activity that revealed he holds very conservative views on social and political issues. These were views he never expressed before, and when I confronted him about it, he admitted that he had deliberately hidden them from me because he knew how important my progressive values were to me. I asked him about the "women belong in the home" posts he had made and asked him if he thought I would be better at home. He told me that yes he thought I should be a housewife.

This revelation has hit me hard. It's not just about the difference in beliefs itself, but the fact that he kept this fundamental aspect of himself hidden from me. I feel like I don't truly know him anymore, and I'm struggling to reconcile the person I thought I married with this new reality. Especially because his views in this case are unrealistic, especially due to him not even having a job.

I've always believed in open communication and honesty in a relationship, and now I feel betrayed. It's not just about politics; it's about trust and respect. I am the one supporting us financially, and while that doesn't bother me inherently, the fact that he misled me about something so significant does. I filed for divorce and gave him the papers today.

He pitched a fit and got really angry at me when I told him that I was leaving him. He flew off the handle when I mentioned I was glad the prenup kept our finances separate. He told me I can't leave him like this and that I was an ass and a bitch for dumping him like this. That I promised to be with him for richer or poorer and in good times and bad. I feel a bit guilty about leaving him in this way, though I can't be with a person who thinks the way he does about women.

AITA?

My(23f) family went out for dinner a few days ago to celebrate my sister(26f) Jenn's birthday. When we got to the restaurant Jenn was already there alone. She said she told her boyfriend Blake the time got pushed back 30 minutes because she needed to talk to us alone. Jenn was mad at Blake for not getting her any birthday gifts and only took her out to dinner to a place they go to often. Our parents understood her being upset and she asked if they would try talking to him because she couldn't get Blake to understand how hurtful that was. I asked her if she had given him her usual 'present' for his birthday or last holiday and Jenn said that wasn't important.

For context, my sister's idea of a gift for her partner is lingerie and sex, and only ever that. I don't know about her past relationships but I do know in the 2 years they've been together, I've heard and seen Blake give her gift ideas for him and he winds up buying them for himself after the fact. He's come to Christmas at our house with gifts for Jenn and Jenn always shows up empty handed for him saying she'd give him his present later.

I told Jenn it sounded like she got as good as she gives whereas our parents said I should be concerned someone would be dismissive and vindictive toward my sister. Our parents said they'd think about talking to him based on his behavior when he arrived. So I text Blake that Jenn was setting him up for a lecture.

He wound up not showing up. Last night Jenn called me angry. She saw my text to him and realized my text was the reason he canceled and accused me of not having her back and she's told our parents I butt into their relationship but I figure she was trying to get us involved in her relationship anyway. I probably could have just stayed quiet but at the time it didn't sit right with me what she was trying to do. AITA?

Throwaway, for privacy. My (42M) sister (6yr older) passed away 6 years ago, leaving one son, “Jeff”, (11 at the time) and her husband, “Scott.”  I live in the same city and have always been close with my nephew, as, he, like me, is a precocious mathematician and coder. 

I got along fine with Scott, though he always struck me as a bit of a weak personality and not an intellectual match for my formidable and successful sister. She wore the pants in that marriage. Since her death, I stepped up my time with Jeff and continued to help him pursue enrichment in math/CS. 3yrs ago, Scott married “Jane”, who brought with her 2 daughters (now 9 and 11). Later, they had a son together (now 2).  It has not gone well for Jeff. Jane dominates Scott, and has pushed the “blended family”  hard.  Jeff has little in common with his sisters or Jane. I’d guess he’s got at least 25IQ points on anybody in that house.  Jane has also pushed him to be involved in her church, much to Jeff’s annoyance (my sister was vocally atheist and Jeff is not into religion either). He spends as much time at my house as he can get away with.

When it was time for Jeff to apply to college, his parents were insisting that he only consider commuting to one of two universities close to home, because, “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings” and because, “you should help out at home.”  They also objected to the cost, though my sister left a lot of money and a fully paid-off house behind. Much of this has been used to pay for a bigger house to accommodate the new family and for the stepkids’ private schools (lesson:leave your inheritance to a trust for your kids!). Jeff secretly applied to his mother’s alma mater, a top Ivy League school, and got in.  Jane was furious and she and Scott said they wouldn’t pay for him to go.  I happen to be successful, rich, and childless. I told them and Jeff that I would pay (I can afford it easily). His parents flipped out on him and me, and things have been tense for the last few months.  They continue to pressure Jeff not to go away to school, to the point that they ALSO put down a deposit for him at the local university. When it became clear that Jeff was really going, Jane pivoted to complaining that if I am paying for Jeff’s education, I should make the same contribution to her other kids, to which I replied that I am not related to her, her husband or her other kids;  I am related to Jeff, the son of the person whom I was closest to for much of my life. Jeff turns 18 in two weeks and I have offered to let him move in with me for this summer (and future summers, if necessary).  Jane has been berating me for “trying to break up her family” and Scott has been less strident but has asked me to consider Jane’s feelings.  Am I the asshole for interfering in my nephew’s family?

I (24M) recently met this incredible girl, Sarah (23F), through a mutual friend. From the jump, we clicked on so many levels she's hilarious, smart, and we share a lot of interests. After a few great dates, I thought we might really have something special.

A couple of weeks ago, Sarah sat me down and shared something important—she has a 3-year-old son. She had him when she was young, and the father isn't involved at all. She told me she has a solid support system and manages everything well, but honestly, I was caught off guard. I hadn’t even considered the possibility that she might be a mom.

I took a few days to think it over and realized that I’m just not ready for that kind of responsibility. It's not that I have anything against her or her son—it's just that I’m still figuring out my own life. I knew I had to be honest with her, so we met up for coffee.

I told her, as gently as I could, that while I think she's amazing, I don’t think I’m ready to be involved with someone who has a child. I explained that it's more about where I am in my own life and less about her or her son. She seemed to understand, but I could tell she was hurt and disappointed.

Later, our mutual friend told me that Sarah felt really judged and hurt by my decision. She said it was unfair to dismiss her just because she's a single mom and that I should have given it more of a chance.

Now I’m feeling really conflicted. On one hand, I believe it’s better to be upfront about my feelings rather than leading her on. But on the other hand, I hate the idea that I might have made her feel bad about something she can’t control.

So, Reddit, AITA for telling Sarah I won’t date her because she’s a single mother?

My older sister Rita (20f) is disabled. My sister's disability comes with a lot of health issues and while mentally she's capable, physically she cannot do much and struggles and struggled even with regular school. She never graduated highs school because she got so sick in senior year that it set her way back and she didn't get the grades to graduate. She was offered the chance to repeat but she said no because she was still really bad afterward. It's something that causes her a lot of distress and she still cries because she feels like she failed in the worst way. Nobody can convince her differently. She doesn't work and she doesn't go to school or anything. She's at home and gets taken care of by our parents.

I (17f) am still in school and I'm going into my senior year. There have been a lot of discussions about college or what other avenue I could go down. I was given information on this apprenticeship that could be perfect for me and my guidance counselor wanted me to give it consideration over the summer because they take high school graduates. It's exciting.

Rita was super upset to hear I had so many options. And not for the first time my parents expected me to think of her before making decisions. They suggested I focus on looking at community colleges only or not going to college at all and going into retail or a service industry job. They told me I could afford my own place if I were to do that.

I didn't get to go to camp because Rita couldn't and they didn't want me to have experiences she couldn't. I wasn't allowed to participate in school plays because Rita couldn't participate in hers (my parents would actually stop my teachers from including me). They refused to sign a permission slip that would have allowed me to enter a competition on behalf of my school, because Rita would never get to have an experience like that herself and they didn't feel it was right for me to have it then. The permission slip came in because some travel might be involved if I were to go anywhere. They pulled me out of art classes when I was young because I was doing super well and getting a lot of praise. My parents actually pressured me to ask if I could leave the classes. But they pulled me regardless.

Rita would always get upset when I achieved something or got presented with a great opportunity. She'd cry, ask me why I got everything and she got nothing. I felt bad for her but also resentful of the fact she was glad when our parents held me back.

This became a fight when the college stuff came up again and my parents saw me looking up the apprenticeship and my parents asked me how I could even think about going and how selfish I would be. They said I should aim for something lower for Rita's sake. Rita heard us argue about it and she said she knows I'm too selfish to give it up for her. I told them I hated them for expecting me to. Rita and my parents said I had no sense of family loyalty at all.

AITA?

So currently, my brother (47M) and his daughter (9F) live with me (49M) and my son (10M). now his daughter and my son have been constantly fighting each other since the day they first moved in, with her constantly picking on him, calling him a wuss, telling him to go back to where he came from (wanna clarify, they’re both the same race, he just moved back from Norway to the UK 10 months ago, because his mum and step dad died, so she’s just telling him to go back there as he’s not wanted here)

but anyways, on some occasions they may get along here and there but it’s rare. Ive of course talked to my brother about it and he’s had words with her, grounded her, etc. which seems to work but after a couple weeks or a month she goes back to her ways. But the reason I’m making this post was because of what happened 2 weeks ago (this is the story my son told me so I apologise if it doesn’t have a lot of details or something else)so my brothers daughter was up to her usual antics by taunting my son, and mocked him for having a belly ache and accused him of faking it.

He then asked her if she wants to know how her mum died to which she agreed and he told her the story (I’m not gonna say what it is as it’s private) but it ended up upsetting her, made her cry, she told her dad, he confronted my son about it, and he’s now asking me to punish him for telling her that story as he feels like it wasn’t the right time to tell her about what had happened and she’s just been sad for the past 2 weeks. But I’ve refused and told him I’m staying firm on my decision, because of the way she’s been treating him

He followed up with “you’d look great with a smile!”

Edit: wow really wonder who the men are in the comments 😂 I’ll take my hostile, mentally unstable cunt face that is meant to appease others right home, so sorry! 😊😊😊

My family is on vacation this week. My sister's boyfriend, Zane, came with us. We are buying all of Zane's groceries and meals.

Yesterday, Zane cooked himself a really big breakfast. Afterwards, I cooked hashbrowns, bacon, and eggs for me and my mom. When I finished cooking, Zane asked if he could have a little bit of our food. I said sure. He then ate 70 flipping percent of the food I had made. I seriously had to cook more just so my mom and I could have enough.

Then last night, I cooked 2 chicken breasts for Zane and my dad (they don't like seafood), and I told them ahead of time they each had 1. Zane ate BOTH chicken breasts. My poor dad had to go get fast food for dinner. Zane said, "Sorry I ate both. I was just hungry."

In general, Zane has completely drained our snack supply - even things we bought for ourselves (gluten free/keto friendly snacks). He seriously eats all day long.

I confronted my sister and told her that Zane is a pig and needs to cool it. My mom and dad agree, but my sister is upset with me. AITA?

Edit: Wow First off thank you all so much for your responses! I honestly felt like such a bad sister with all this, but feeling so much better now. I took so many of your tips and suggestions, and had a conversation with my brother about setting my firm budget and what he can expect from me and explained my situation. He was actually very understanding and apologized for any anxiety he caused me. Hopefully he continues to be understanding. Thank you all so much!

So quick facts I (30 F) have a brother (33M). He and his husband (34M) are in the process of adopting 2 babies from 2 different women. My brother makes about 95K and his husband makes about 80K, both are teachers in high paying districts. I am a single person and make about 60K (also a teacher) and I just bought a house last year. I do not get paid over the summer, and I am in 2 weddings coming up which also takes a lot of money.

My brother and his husband are understandably very excited and want to have a baby shower to help get stuff for possibly 2 babies. One baby is due Sept 26th and the other is Oct 15th. Here is where things get a bit dicey. They (mostly my brother) wants to have a big fancy baby shower with possibly 100 guests or more. He said it will be like a mini wedding and even got into a fight with his MIL about the cost of a venue and expecting them to shell out the money for it. She called him spoiled and he got very offended.

Of course I want to help out as much as I can I offered to make the invitations and to help organize stuff. But as I talked with my brother I realized just how much he is expecting me and his SIL (31 F) to contribute since all the parents and themselves are paying over $6,500 for the venue/food/drink.

From what I understand he mentioned we would cover decorations, center pieces, favors, setting up, doing the seating chart - which is reasonable. But then he started to mention a mini bottles of Champagne for each person as a favor, a photo booth, and other extras like that, on top of a gift. (I was told I could get the other crib or bassinet since SIL is getting one about $350.) When I said all of that is a lot of money he said "Just be glad I'm not asking you to contribute to paying for the venue like I was going to originally do".

Of course I want to spoil my nieces and to help out as much as I can, and maybe it's that they just expect me to put out all this money without asking. I've also always been the money conscious one and even helped bail my bother out of credit card debt a few years ago. (just 3K and he did eventually pay me back).

So AITAH? Also how much do siblings generally contribute towards a baby shower?

My husband and I are expecting twins. This was news that was both really amazing (because infertility on my end) and worrying (because of bad experiences on his end). To cut what could be a very long story short. My husband has three sets of twins in his family. He has twin siblings, he has twin cousins and his grandfather is a twin. His siblings are identical twins while the cousins and grandfather are fraternal twins.

The twins in my husband's family do not fit the stereotype that twins are bffs and always have each other's backs and love doing things together. His siblings and cousins hate each other and he never met his grandfather's twin because the two of them haven't spoken in what must be 60 years by now. In his experience being twins makes you less close. He also acknowledges the societal pressure can be another factor of that because the assumption is there that you'll be closer than anyone.

Twins was such a huge surprise for us that my husband went into panic mode and he has struggled with anxiety since. So he started therapy. He worries that our kids will end up as bad as his sisters, who have done some horrible shit to each other out of spite and malice toward each other. He lived with them every day growing up and he said it only got worse the older they got.

My family are aware of the anxiety he feels and my mom has been so shitty about it. She minimized it at first and I made it clear that needed to stop. But she made comments to him behind my back until he told me. She was calling him pathetic for a man and saying he was going to make our twins feel like they had to be close or he'd fall apart in front of them. Even though she knew he was working through it. She called him a lesser man because of this. When he told me I was so pissed, I confronted her, told her that she had no business being so awful to him over this, said she's being a bully and I won't stand for it and I made her leave.

She was shocked, angry. My dad is also angry I made her leave. They said I had no business calling her a bully.

AITA?

regarding bumping into my Ex Jen when I was on a trip to my hometown. My wife saw me talking to her and came up to me, and like an idiot, I forgot to introduce Jen to my wife. My wife was a bit upset that I did not tell Jen I was married. Thanks everyone who commented and let me know unanimously how stupid I was during the whole interaction.

We came back home yesterday. Although my wife seemed to have gotten over the incident, I decided it would be best to apologize to her and let her know that I did not have any wrong intentions. It was just a "deer in a headlight" moment for me and I should have introduced her to Jen.

At night, when my wife was scrolling her phone in bed, I decided to bring up the topic. I told her that I wanted to apologize for the incident on Saturday. I know I messed up royally and I should have introduced her to Jen, so she can see that I am happily married together. I told her that I was just surprised to see her, and I really wanted to get out of the conversation as soon as possible.

My wife said it was ok and she saw flustered I was when I was talking to Jen. She said that when Jen saw me and hugged me, everyone at the table started staring at us. One of my friends Rita, made some scandalous comments regarding why Jen is doing shmoozing with me. My wife had never seen Jen's picture and took her a while to realize that it was Jen. She thought she would stand next to me, and once I tell Jen that I am here with my wife, she would leave me alone. However, when she stood next to me for more than a minute, I did not notice. Jen noticed her and gave her a dirty look. Once I turned around to go to the table, she was hoping I would introduce her to Jen, so Jen knows she was my wife and not some random girl standing next to me. However, I just hurried back to the table with her.

I again apologized to her and told her that from my perspective, I was just trying to finish the conversation and get back to the table. In hindsight, I should have done what she said but I froze in the moment and was not thinking straight. She again asked me why I was acting so weird around Jen. I wish I had a better answer, but talking to Jen just felt wrong and all I was thinking was I need to get back to my wife. I asked her if she felt bad that I was talking to Jen or that she hugged me. She told me that she has always been curious about Jen since I was so close to marrying her. And when she saw me around her, she felt I was still acting like how someone acts around their crush. Moreover, she saw Jen and realized how beautiful she was and felt insecure in that moment. My friends making a big deal out of it did not help either. She asked me if I ever wished Jen did not break up with me. I told her that if I had a time machine, I would wish 100 out of 100 times that Jen would break up with me, so that I got to meet my wife and build such a beautiful life together. This made her smile, and she gave me a big hug.

I asked her if I should message Jen and let her know I am married? She said there is no need to do that since my profile picture on messages is a picture with my wife, and Jen should have seen that already. Also, my Instagram is public with a lot of pictures of my wife and me, So, she asked me to just ignore her message and get on with our lives. Again, thanks everyone for being so brutally honest (as I would expect from Reddit).

I'm staying with my mom for a few months, and since we're living together I am seeing a lot of her friends, I've known them all since childhood and they're my friends now too by extension - her friends first, of course, but I text and talk on the phone with some of them and always look forward to gatherings or breakfast/lunch/dinner meetups. I haven't worn a bra for at least 13 years. Sometimes if I'm wearing a special top or dress it will look better with a bra and I will do that for myself, but I generally wear t-shirts, flower tops, goodies, etc., with no bra. My mom has started to complain that it embarasses her, and she claims a few people we both know have mentioned that it makes them uncomfortable. I don't wear anything revealing. No see-through fabric, no low cut tops, nothing skin-tight. Some shirts are fitted and you can see the shape of my (relatively small for my frame - I'm 5'9, 180lbs, and have a C cup) breasts. Other shirts are not fitted, but you can see the shape of my nipples through many. I have agreed to compromise with her by wearing a bra if I accompany her to church, or if we go to a public place like a restaurant or the theater to see a play. But I don't really want to wear a bra any time we go visit someone to sit around in their backyard drinking coffee, or go on a walk/hike, or go help someone paint theory house or do gardening chores. I can't tell if I'm being selfish. AITA?

Florida. We ordered the glasses for about $300 after my wife lost hers. We used insurance but it was still expensive. Her prescription is -7 and -5.75. Boils down to basically very bad. She can’t drive without her glasses and has had to rely on uber and myself to take her anywhere for over 2 months. The optometrist said “no more than 2 weeks” but it’s obviously passed that. They say the lenses keep breaking at their lab but isn’t there some expectation that our contract in my paying them mean they should be delivering something?

We finally caved and bought cheap contacts online just so she could see anything but we’re still out $300 and our insurance won’t cover a new pair for another year.

How can I help her see again? Ultimately I’d rather have the glasses over the money just due to the time constraints.

My (35F) son (19M) cheated on his girlfriend. She broke up with him and made sure to inform me. I let my son know I was disappointed, but I didn't say or do anything else. His relationships have nothing to do with me.

However, my husband is upset with me and says I should do more. He told me that he doesn't want my son living with us any longer since he's "not comfortable having a cheater around the house" and suggested that my son go live with his father. I found that ridiculous. I am not kicking my son out of my house because he cheated.

I told my husband that if he was that upset about it, he could go find somewhere else to stay. Now, he's sulking around the house. He told me that saying that made him feel like a guest in our home because he should get an equal say in who stays since we are married.

I told him that my son has been living in my home longer than he has, so it was his home too. This made my husband upset, and he told me that he feels like I don't value him over my son. I told him that I don't and now he's upset about that too.

I'm not asking if I'm the asshole for not kicking my son out. That was never up for discussion. I'm asking if I'm the asshole for making my husband feel like a guest in our home. I believe he do have equal say over who gets to stay but that doesn't apply to my son.

Edit: My son is not 35, and he did not "move back in." I never said he was 35, nor did I say he was ever moved out.

Edit 2: What did you read that said I condoned cheating? I talked to my son, and he knows I wasn't okay with what he did. I can't ground him, and I can't take away his car. But since I won't kick him out of the house, that means I'm okay with cheating? Let me remind you that I never came here to get judged on whether it was okay for me not to kick my son out. I was never going to do that in the first place.

I am ok with him refusing to see her. She is ok with it (or says she is, she is confused). I am confused as well, I don’t understand why he went through a lengthy court battle just to cut her out of his life.

We went through a year long custody fight. Child interviews, drug testing over false allegations, DCS case opened, reunification for my daughter and her father. All of it.

We just got our judgement in the mail a couple weeks back and we both have joint legal decision making but he was not awarded any overnights and only 2 afternoons a week for about 3 hours each and 6 hours on Saturdays.

He had the possibility of overnights in the future if he did at least one therapy session a month with her for 3 months and then filed again with the court and progress had been made.

All of this made him extremely angry, I guess. He stopped answering texts and picking her up. Yesterday after I sent a text asking if he was going to pick her up 15 minutes after the time he was supposed to he sent my daughter and myself a group text saying that he is cutting contact with us, he is no longer doing visitation and the relationship is over unless my daughter goes to the court and says she lied about him ever abusing her and that she is abusing him and he can’t have that in his life. If we want to contact him we need to reach him through email only from now on.

I am assuming our numbers are blocked. He has done that before. My daughter is only 13.

My question is how long do I wait to file for sole legal decision making? We just finished court so it seems awfully premature to go back but, he also said he wants nothing to do with her anymore and told both of us not to contact him so I can’t really co parent with someone that is doing this.