I am not OP. That is who posted to amiwrong

  June 1st, 2024

I have been having arguments with my wife and standing my ground on a policy we made when we were dating. However, somehow, I feel I might be in the wrong, and wanted to get neutral opinion on the issue.

For context, may wife and I are both in our mid 30s, and deeply religious (Please don't judge us on this). She is quick to judge people who do not have the same belief system as her. I also like our modest lifestyle and how great of a wife she has been.

However, I was not always like this. I grew up in a small religious town in south where our social life revolved around the church. I worked very hard to get into a college on east coast as far away from my town. As any person who has repressed his desires for years, I had a very wild college life and slept with a lot of girls. After I graduated, I continued to be the same until I met a girl who became deeply emotionally involved with me (despite I clearly communicating I wanted to date casually), could not take the fact that I was with other girls when dating her, and she had an emotional breakdown (thought I was cheating on her). I cared about her too, and it broke something in me. I started therapy and learned that I had a addiction problem and worked very hard to improve myself.

I also joined a church around that time and started appreciating my religious upbringing. I reconnected with my parents and sisters and was celibate for almost 2 years. I only dated with the goal of getting married and met Amy, my wife. We had similar values, and she was saving herself for marriage. I told her about my past and she said that she only cares about my present and future.

As we started getting close, we started discussing sex and she told me that she is worried that it would be painful when we eventually do it. Me, being a stupid buffoon, told her about girls who were virgins when we slept together and how they described their experience. She turned pale like she saw a ghost and we had a big fight. She said I should never mention about my exes and sex life to her ever again as it was disgusting. I agreed and we implemented our "Don't ask don't tell" policy. It basically means she would never ask me about my past and I would never bring it up.

Recently my friend Emily divorced with her husband. Emily was my best friend since childhood (we are from the same town) and also close to my wife. We all live in the same town. Emily and her husband were also part of our church. My wife and I let Emily move in our house while her husband moved out. My wife and I have been helping Emily with some household stuff and getting her life in order. This sometimes involves her calling us in the evening to take care of some stuff or help with her kids.

My wife mentioned to me that she was a bit uncomfortable with me spending alone time with Emily, because now she is now single. However, she understands Emily is like family to me and wants me to help her and her kids in her time of need. So, my wife asked me if Emily and I have ever been intimate with her in the past. She knows we never dated, but she wants to know if we ever kissed. The truth is Emily and I were FWB for almost 3 years (until I started therapy). Emily and I always kept it a secret and never told anyone.

I am a changed man now and intend to stay loyal to my wife until I die. I told my wife that it is irrelevant as I am a loyal husband and cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily. I did offer to her that I will not hang out with Emily alone and only go to her place when my wife is with me. My wife did not like me dodging the question and kept on prodding. I invoked our "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy, that we have followed for more than 10 years now.

My wife is upset at me that I am not giving her a straight answer. I, on the other hand feel that it is unfair to me to tell her about Emily now when she forbade me to talk about it for all these years. I know that there is a good possibility that my wife would again freak out after knowing the truth, and most probably ask me to never see Emily again.

I wanted opinions on what I should do in this case. Am I wrong to keep the truth from my wife because we made a promise to never bring up my past (which is horrible when I think about it now). Or, is my wife in the wrong to break our policy by asking me about Emily?

  Added Comments

commenter

YTA.  Dude, use COMMON SENSE.  You let a "friend" that you used to sleep with move into your home.  You didn't see it becoming a problem?!

OP

That was 14 years ago when we did that. We were kids compared to now and I do not think that was relevant. Moreover, my wife never wants me to talk about my "dark phase" and has reiterated that to me over all these years. She wants to keep up the illusion that I am a religious fellow she married who she plans to go to heaven with.

  June 3rd, 2024

regarding not telling my wife that my best friend and I were FWB long time ago. I did this because my wife did not want to know about my horrible past and we had a "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy in our marriage. I thank all of you for your comments and confirming what I already knew in my mind. Lying to my wife and keeping my past from her was never my intention, but we have been married for 10 years now and I did not risk losing my wife's trust and respect over something that happened 14 years ago.

I talked to my wife over the weekend. The truth was far more horrible than what I wrote in the previous post. I sat my wife down and told her that I want to come clean and tell her about everything. I told her that I have some conditions though. Firstly, I will not give a yes and no answer to her question and she will have to listen to all the details. She can judge me but has to know that I am not the man I was at that time. I was a horrible, morally bankrupt person before she met me, but through God, family and therapy, I have overcome my demons and work every day to repent my sins. Secondly, she will have to answer questions about her feelings truthfully to me after she hears about my past. She agreed.

I told her the truth about Emily and me. Emily and I were friends since high school. While I went to college, Emily stayed home and started a job. She was dating my friend Josh since high school. I discovered a whole new world in college and found myself drawn to behaviors that I knew were against God's will, including engaging in sexual relationships with multiple partners at a time. It was like a game for me. Once, I was visiting my parents over a break and Emily was curious about my college life. I described my sexual experiences to her and she kept asking more and more questions. One thing led to another and we started sleeping together. Josh and Emily were saving themselves for marriage and waiting for Josh to get a steady job. This lasted for 3 years, and Emily and I hooked up every time I visited home. It was our little secret.

When I finally decided to seek help, I informed Emily about it. She made me promise to never talk about our fling to anyone. I felt guilty never telling the truth to Josh, but she broke up with Josh soon after. I rediscovered my spirituality and recognized the importance of repentance and recognition of my personal sin. Since then, I have lived a very disciplined life and have been a loyal husband to my wife.

Amy had tears in her eyes, and I really was scared that she would leave me after hearing about my horrible past. However, she told me that she still stands by the fact that she cares about my present and my future and would never judge me. She said that God, in his infinite mercy, did not abandon me. My wife assured me that she loves me and always will. She trusts me, but just wanted to know about Emily since things have changed now.

I asked her if any of my actions suggested that disloyal and why Emily. She told me that when Emily's husband's affair came to light, it was very shocking how such an upstanding god-fearing man would have years long affair with his coworker and father a child out of wedlock. This was not an isolated incident as we had similar incidents happen in our church during the last few years. Amy told me that it just shook her to the core. Amy was the one who suggested Emily and kids to move in with us until her husband moved out of their family home. Emily only stayed with us for a week.

Emily started calling us a lot as we supported her through this rough time. However, it bothered my wife that Emily would just call me during evenings after work (after her kids went to sleep) for support. We would just sit and talk for 30 - 45 minutes and I would leave. The final straw was a week ago when we all went to a park with Emily's kids, and I was chasing them while my wife and Emily were talking. Emily told me my wife that I would one day be a great father and how much I love her kids. She told my wife to start trying harder to have kids so that we can complete our family and hopefully god would make me a father soon. My wife has struggled with infertility issues and despite trying every medical procedure, God has still not blessed us with a child. I have suggested adoption, but my wife says that God will hear our prayers and we just have to try as hard as we can.

Amy said that her discussion with Emily made her feel incomplete and bad that she is not able to make me a father. Her head started spiraling and she started thinking that since I love Emily's kids and Emily is now single, I might leave her to go to Emily. That was the reason she wanted to know if Emily and I were ever romantically involved.

I assured Amy that I would never betray her, and she is enough for me. It was very emotional to see her feel bad about things she cannot control. I also am to blame as I am sure god is punishing her for my sins in the past. However, I intend to be loyal to the woman who literally saved me and be the best husband possible. I again thank all of you for being frank and straight-forward and helping me tell my wife about my past.

Added Comments

commenter

I think it might be time to take a step back from your friendship with Emily, her actions are shady, calling you after work every night, telling your wife how much you love her kids…

OP

I had already decided to do that as my wife feels uncomfortable with the situation. Her comfort is more important to me than friends.

Commenter

Are you still friends with Josh?

OP

No. I cut contact with a lot of people after I started therapy. I wronged him and felt guilty to be around him. However, I never told what happened because of Emily. Infact, I had not thought of him for a really long time until this weekend when talking to my wife.

commenter

lol imagine trying to be a better person while staying friends with the girl you betrayed your friend with.

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. is OP and she's kindly given permission for this BORU post. She grew up as a Jehovah's Witness and posted in , plus 1 post in

trigger warnings: rape, victim blaming

- 16 days ago

A sister told me I'm too snobby and stuck up because I'm not giving a brother that's interested in me attention. I wish she would stop.

It's kind of triggering because I was r@ped last month and I haven't told anyone in the Borg (edit: exjw shorthand for the JW organisation. A reference to the Star Trek Borg, an alien organisation that is uncaring/unfeeling but demands complete control) - not even my parents. I don't even want to be around men right now, but I'm forced by my parents to go to the meetings until I fade. Plus I'm 18. I don't want to get married 😭

I have gone to the authorities, counseling, and the Dr. I just want to vent because this situation is unique because I'm PIMO (edit: Physically In, Mentally Out)

- 11 days ago

My mom searched my room while I was gone and found my police documents when I reported I was . My mom acted like she was having a health emergency so I rushed home concerned.

My parents had me sit down at the table and began to interrogate me. My dad then told me they know I was r@ped on campus. He told me to give my mom a hug because she was about to cry. I said no because I don't want anybody touching me. My dad said it doesn't matter because they raised me and they're my parents. She said that we're gonna talk and I said no.

I found my documents GONE from my room. I immediately had a panic attack that lasted for an hour. I was hyperventilating for 45 min. Those documents had in DETAIL how the r@pe occured!!!! That gives my mom evidence to go to the elders so they can form a judicial committee.

Then, they unlocked my room door and was listening in on my conversation with the rape crisis center. They were trying to make me hang up because I was telling the advocate how narcissistic and controlling they are.

My mom left and then came back with a watchtower telling me it's my fault and I'm in misery because I left my "spiritual foundation"and Jehovah. She then started talking shit about the advocate while I was on the phone and the advocate could hear her. My dad was trying to get me to hang up because he was worried the advocate might call the police when he realized I was on the phone.

My mom kept saying I'm going to talk and it's her house so she can do and treat me however she wants. I'm a fucking adult. This is one of the worst days of my life. My dad is trying to be controlling and play cop.

I don't know what's more hurtful, my mom blaming me for what happened or them going through my stuff and taking all my police and court documents without my permission. I'm a fucking adult too. He claims they're trying to help but obviously they're not and won't stop. I'm either treated like a child, an object, or like I don't exist. It fucking hurts so much.

- (edit: posted in ) also 11 days ago

I'm not in a good headspace today. I was raped a little over a month ago and that was my "first sexual experience." I can't believe it. I was waiting until marriage to lose it and now the decision was stolen from me. He knew that and still raped me. It hurts so much. I'm angry and sad.

My therapist says I'm not a virgin, but my doctor says I am. The way I was raised I would no longer be considered one. I'm about to lose my mind. I want revenge. I want my virginity back.

I have a bladder infection from him raping me. Nightmares. I've lost weight and can't eat. This has nearly ruined my life.

I went to the police and got a rape kit but nothing has happened yet. He's starting a skateboarding business and has friends. My friends abandoned me. I haven't told my parents because they'll say it's my fault. I kind of do feel like it's my fault

- 7 day ago

I'm free!!!!! I moved in a domestic violence shelter today. I leave for my internship out of state Monday and move to NY for college in August.

I feel so at peace. I didn't think I would become POMO this way, but it's better than staying in the cult with my abusive family.

Thank you all for your support! I'll definitely keep you all updated ❤️

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 21st August 2023

- 12th June 2024

the aftermath of being cheated on while pregnant

warning that this post is long and obviously trigger warning for infidelity below this point - also I've never used reddit before and am not sure how it works beyond the stories I hear on tiktok, so this is an anonymous account for privacy reasons.

In April when I was 12 weeks pregnant, I found out that my (f28) husband (m28) had recently started cheating on me with a girl at his work and I still haven't gotten over it.

We've been married since summer of 2018, but together since summer of 2014. It's nearly our 9 year anniversary now, and I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with our first child. I always thought that if my partner ever cheated on me, I would be out the door in a hurry because it's a type of disrespect I could never stand for. However, I never thought it would happen to me, let alone after I had put 8.5 years into this man. Plus a house, two cars, two dogs, a cat, and a baby we both wanted for many years at that point. I know I am more sensitive right now due to the pregnancy but it's now August and I am so tired of waking up hurting every day.

After I found out, I confronted him and he admitted that he had started sleeping with her and at the time had done so 3 times. I was in my first trimester and he knew how sick I had been, literally spending all day every day throwing up (my morning sickness lasted until around dinner time, usually) and sleeping. He has a job that has always kept him pretty busy, but he would always check in with me throughout the day. I work from home and am self employed (making much less money than him, but was something we had discussed in depth after the loss of my first pregnancy and agreed that me being home and dealing with the house and pets was something we should try.

Plus, we both wanted me to be a sahm for whenever we did have a baby, so while I make less, it was something we fully agreed on together.) When he would check in, it was always so sweet - he called me in between meetings, on the road driving any time he was free, and he would text me to announce his safe arrival every time he had to go anywhere. It was never a burden that I asked for him to check in, because we both just naturally wanted to talk to each other all during free moments in the day, which is how our relationship had been for the entire duration. There was no asking at all really, it's just how it was with us.

I gave him another chance when I confronted him, because I was so blindsided. It didn't make sense to me, and now it still doesn't. But I was 12 weeks along with a baby I had been wishing for for years (we struggled with conceiving after our loss years ago) and I had a vision in my head of our family that I couldn't let go of. We agreed that he would go into work and end it with her the next morning, which he didn't think would be an issue because it was "just sex" and they had no feelings involved. Let it be known that this girl knew about me, and I had stopped in at his office many times for lunch visits with my husband, and he had photos of me on his computer/desk so there were constant reminders that I was real for the both of them. He told me in later conversations that before the affair started, she would joke with him that I'm "too hot" for him, and she planned on stealing me away.

She apparently is bi with a heavy lean towards women, and when my husband would talk about her before the affair, I was told she was a lesbian that he and all the guys at work (besides one) found highly unattractive. What happened when he ended it with her, is I guess she took it alright, left, and then a few hours later came back and begged him to not leave her. He told me that she was crying and clinging to him, and there was something about abandonment issues that I truthfully did not care about, because I was his partner of almost 9 years and carrying his child. He told me he had ended it though. Next, he went to get tested (there was no cross-over at all while this was going on) and he was clean. He showed me all test results, as this was an important stipulation, obviously.

For the next month, I watched him leave every morning and broke down as soon as he left - sometimes begging before he went to work for him to call in sick and stay home with me. I was a wreck. We had a vacation planned from months before coming up in May, and I somehow thought it would be good for us to get away and just be the two of us. I was counting down the seconds til that trip, keeping everything I was going through just to myself and quickly deteriorating.

In that month, I lost 22 pounds because I could not eat, and every time I did, I would throw up. My husband watched me in agony, a complete shell of who I once was, trying to grow our child and not being able to stomach food literally at all. It got so bad that my whole face broke out in what looked like hives from how hard my body was trying to throw up when there was nothing left inside me every day. Like little blood vessels popped all over my skin from sobbing and puking all day.

We went on our trip, and it was painful. There was good times, but also I was still so broken and had no trust in him. This whole month long period I felt something was still off, but he gave me access to his phone and I would check it in front of him, and also whenever he was asleep or in the shower just to be sure. After the vacation, it got really, really bad for me.

The intuition in my head that I felt back in April had never really went away, but it was so incredibly loud that I felt like I was going crazy. He was telling me he loved me, reassuring me that it was really over with her, that he was going to be a good husband to me and the best father to our daughter, and no matter how much I wanted to believe him there was something in me telling me he was lying.

While he showered one morning, I went into the bathroom to pee and his phone was sitting on his pile of work clothes for when he got out. I grabbed it and brought it with me for while I peed, thinking it would be like every other time where I looked at his phone and found nothing. Instead, in his whatsapp, there was a thread of messages with her from the night before.

The day before was a long work day for him, something I dreaded even before the affair because being apart from him for crazy hours made me miss him, but knew there was no way to avoid. I remember I had offered to bring him food for lunch (even though we lived an hour away from the office) and he told me not to worry about driving - that he'll bribe one of the guys into bringing him something so I didn't have to waste the gas money.

In reality, she was bringing him lunch and he was texting her about it at the same time he was texting me. Those texts haunt me so badly even now. She had told him "I miss youuuu" and he replied the same, so clearly they had only progressed more in the last month. When she was bringing him lunch he told her "I just want you and a burger" and then there was some hours later messages where they laughed about getting everyone out of the office inconspicuously so they could be alone and she said "now I get to have you" and reading those messages, 16 weeks pregnant and first thing in the morning, quite literally made me want to die. When confronted, he promised me that they didn't have sex even though it sounded like it would happen in those messages, but that he has still been sleeping with her. Just not that day, I guess.

This was back in May. I left him the next day, after I confronted him again and he admitted that he never actually stopped. He tried, and his story was half true he says - that when he spoke with her, she came back crying and begging and then apparently forced him into an empty office where she tried to go down on him. He promised me that he stopped her and shoved her away, but that she had gotten his pants down and gotten close enough to touch him before he got away from her.

Nothing happened that day, he swore to me, but that in his mind it was over then because in our initial conversation I told him I would give him a second chance but if he did this again I would leave him. He counted this as doing it again, even though when he broke down and told me this, it sounded more like she assaulted him while he was saying no, rather than him cheating another time. But he didn't see it that way at the time and thought I'd leave if he told me, and figured he might as well not stop, if I was just going to find out and leave him in the long run because he had already messed up.

Now, fast-forward to August, I have been living alone since May. I left him the day after I found out the second time, going to stay with my aunt for a few days with my dogs. I ended up coming back to the house and kicking him out, because it didn't seem fair to me that everyone besides him had to suffer (me being pregnant and hauling around two 6 year old dogs who are very used to being home-bodies and were confused and stopped eating due to the stress, plus our cat who is deeply bonded to me and is used to me being home with her all day, was now left alone while he was working for 10+ hours, and all of our animals are friends so it was really fucked up for everyone but my husband who was the one who did the wrong thing anyways.)

So now I am 30 weeks pregnant, preparing to sell our house and move back into my dad's house (with the 3 animals and my daughter when she is born) and am still so, so hurt. I really felt like this man was the love of my life and my soulmate. All of our friends who I've spoken to about our separation (I cannot afford a lawyer until the house sells, and I'm unfortunately a sorry excuse of a woman and sob whenever I think of the word divorce, even though I know that has to be one of the steps I take down the line*)* have been absolutely shocked due to how out of character this was of him. We were known as the couple that could handle anything together.

My family was the same way, because of how wonderful my husband was to me for 8.5 years. He was so emotionally supportive and sweet, and I like to think I was to him as well. I lost my mom who was my best friend, and we together lost our first baby, and he dealt with going no contact with his mother, and we were truly each others rock for so long through all of those moment, just to name a few. And I'm carrying his daughter, who I love deeply already. I know he hurt me and changed me as a person, but it's so incredibly hard to forget the years of happiness I had with him and see that they're seemingly over now.

The shitty thing is I would probably take him back if he came to me and said all the right things and made the right promises and made me believe him - but instead, I live alone while growing this baby and taking care of the animals we picked and have raised for 6 & 2 years together, dealing with this trauma by myself, and he is all but living with the girl he cheated on me with. Every time I drive past his apartment, her car is there. Sometimes when even his car is gone.

He promises that she doesn't have a key, and that when the baby is born she won't get in the way of him being a father (she hates children/babies, cats & dogs, so clearly she's a super great person on top of knowingly fucking a married man) but at this point it's been months of him knowing he's hurting me. We're still publicly married. His family has no idea of any of this - only our mutual friends and my family know any of what's happened, though not with all the details I've put in this post.

I should mention that when I did come face to face with this girl (only once) she laughed at what she had done, and when I told her that she broke apart my family and took my daughter's father away before she was even born, she literally shrugged and muttered "yeah, I know" while looking so fucking smug about it. I only say this because I know people will say to not blame the affair partner, but only blame my husband who was the one who broke his vows to me, but I fully blame them both. She knew what she was doing, and so did he, and she seems to like knowing how "powerful" she was in this situation.

He tells me often that he doesn't want to end our relationship, but that right now he isn't right for me. That he cannot be who he was, because he fucked up so badly that he doesn't know how to fix it. Now he's going with monogamy just isn't for him, even though he and his affair partner are living together recreating the life we had, living very obviously in monogamy currently.

It hurts so much, because he's already replaced me with her - some 20 year old girl is sleeping beside my husband and having meals with him, and sitting in his passenger seat. It just isn't how my life was supposed to go. I wish so much that I could stay firm on hating him, because trust me that I do, and I've had several hours over the last few months where I make sure he knows what he did to me and how much I hate him for ruining the woman I was before this betrayal.

But I also love him still, and I want the family I was all but promised - we couldn't get pregnant for nearly 3 years, and the month I did get pregnant I literally told him "if it doesn't happen for us, it doesn't happen. I wanted to be a mom, but if it's not in the cards, I will come to terms with it and I know I can be fulfilled in our relationship without a baby" and then I shockingly did get pregnant and I felt like it was all falling into place finally. That we would be happy and us, like I pictured, but now with a little baby we both daydreamed about for years.

I'm really unsure how reddit works and I know this post is so long so no one probably read it, and I don't really know why I wrote it here anyways. I know in this situation he is in the wrong, and I don't need anyone to point it out to me. And I also don't want anyone calling me names for still loving this man who has disrespected and mistreated me so immensely over the last 4 months.

It's just coming up on our anniversary and I am desperately lonely in this quiet house that I now have to pack up all by myself and I wanted a place to put my feelings. If you comment please be nice, I feel stupid and weak enough as it is. I've been with him since we were both barely 19, and moved straight from my childhood home into an apartment with him. I've not spent a single adult year alone, and I'm just really sad all the time and don't know what to do.

I try to go no contact with him, but we're selling a house & I'm in my third trimester with his baby. I just hate him, and I hate myself. I want him to wake up and see what he's doing, but I don't think he ever will because he has to avoid the accountability of his actions. And it's not like I could ever trust him again anyways, but now I have to coparent a child with him for the next several years and I don't feel strong enough for any of the future anymore. I don't get how he could do this to me.

TL;DR I'm a sad pregnant lady who doesn't know how to move on from my husband of nearly a decade cheating on me and I needed a place to share what I'm going through

Comments

happybanana134

'I'm a sad pregnant lady who doesn't know how to move on from my husband of nearly a decade cheating on me'

You need to add in 'strong'. Seriously. You're super strong; deciding to leave is really hard and you've absolutely done the right thing here.

Things are going to seem bleak but they will get better. One day, it'll hurt less and then one day it won't hurt at all.

He is the one losing here; he's thrown away a loyal partner and what could have been a happy family unit. All you've lost is someone you could never trust.

OOP: It's very hard for me to feel strong, because it seems like this is the only thing I can think about every day, so thank you. It's difficult to not be hard on myself in this situation, but I do think you're right! I know that he is the one losing here. I just wish my daughter could have the life we both wanted for her for so many years, but he decided to ruin it for her.

Nihilistic-Fishstick

I wanted you to know I read every word..

You're a human being and nobody reasonable would expect you to be a robot.

I left my relationship of 21 years almost 3 years ago, and even though I ended it for my own mental health and for my kids, and have a fantastic partner now, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't get a random thought about him.

The conversations we had, our routine, the dinners he cooked, the intimacy we had. All the family videos are still way in the back of my phones gallery still.

Your feelings are completely normal, and it will get better I promise. You are the main priority at the moment and you have to keep being strong to get yourself ready to move on and be there for your baby girl.

The hard part is over, friend. And you survived it.

You got this

OOP: I hope that one day I will be able to find a fantastic partner, who will show my daughter the way a woman is supposed to be treated. I really thought I had that already, or else I wouldn't have procreated with him! Your story gives me hope. I'm in no place to go looking, being 7 months pregnant, moving, and emotionally fucked up beyond belief, but maybe one day.

Update - 10 months later

If you don't want to read the whole post, the synopsis is essentially that my (F28) husband (M28) cheated on me after 8.5 years together while I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first child.

It's now June 11th and my daughter just turned 8 months old. My water broke and I drove myself to the hospital and then labored & gave birth alone. My daughter was born two weeks early only, and she was completely healthy and had no issues. She is doing AMAZING, and the love I have for her is so all encompassing that sometimes I don't even know what to do.

She's a great baby, and is so loved by not just myself, but my dad, my brothers, my aunt - she is adored by my whole family, and because we live with my dad, her birth has brought all of us together closer than we've been in a long, long time. I absolutely love being her mom.

My ex husband was served divorce papers in February by my dad, who volunteered to be the one to do it, and our divorce was finalized in May !! The way that my feelings for him changed almost in an instant after I had given birth to my daughter was shocking, but it was like as soon as she was born just the thought of this man disgusted me.

He visits for about an hour a week, once a week, and has done since she's been born. We have a parenting plan in the works but every time it's drawn up by my lawyer, he finds something else that's wrong with it and choses to not sign. It's been very irritating having to deal with this man who I once loved and now don't recognize, and watch as he pretends on social media that he is an active, attentive father when I've done quite literally everything for this baby and he does the barest minimum he can get away with.

This next part may be very shocking, but the girl he cheated on me with and moved into an apartment with directly from our marital home ended up cheating on him literally within the same week that our divorce finalized and she was kicked out of his place. It took about a year, but he did come back groveling after all, which was absolutely wild to me.

Now for the actual shocking part of this update: I have met a man !! After spending my entire pregnancy alone and heartbroken, I had sworn off men and relationships and then this one just kind of appeared in my life. I have horrible trust issues now, and it's been really, really hard considering the deep betrayal that happened to me last year, but my boyfriend is the most gentle, calm, understanding guy I could have found.

We met when my daughter was two months old and he started taking me on little weekend dates for just a couple of hours at a time, and was always very considerate of me having a newborn (which he reassured me several times over that it was not an issue, and he actually has experience working with kids in the past) and then in March we had the conversation and defined the relationship.

In these 6 months, he has met my family and has become one of my daughter's favorite people. I've met his brother & sister in law and when his parents come into town later this month, he's introducing me and we're all getting dinner together. I feel lucky to have this man in my life, and a stable father figure for my daughter, and I am really hoping he is actually who he's been showing me he is. Obviously when my ex husband came to apologize and cry for what he'd done to me, I was already very locked in with my boyfriend, but even if I hadn't been the answer would have been NO.

Our house has not yet sold, and I'm kind of losing my mind about it, but there's nothing to really be done to help that matter.

I know this may sound like revenge corn, but I promise it's not !! Karma has just been working hard for me and my little bean ~ my boyfriend dotes on us and makes me believe in love again; he is so handsome and so sweet and the complete opposite of who my ex husband ended up being. I am really hoping he is a good egg, because I accidentally fell in love with him when I didn't mean to, but I do now know that I was strong enough to leave a marriage with a baby on the way so if he ends up screwing me over, I know I'll be strong enough to leave him too.

The fact that my ex's affair partner cheated on him absolutely tickles me, to be completely honest. I'm still living with my dad (+ my two dogs & cat that he abandoned me with during my pregnancy) but honestly it could absolutely be worse. My dad helps as much as he can and loves his grandbaby so much, and it's been so sweet watching him turn into this absolute softie of a grandpa.

I don't know if anyone remembers me/my post or if this update is necessary at all but !! Here it is !! I am big time not in love with the guy who cheated on me, left me, and is an absent father to the baby I grew all on my own and raise all on my own.

TL;DR I am a single mother with a gorgeous baby girl and we are both doing really, really well while I watch my cheating ex husband's life slowly fall apart !!

Comments

Libbysmom

Yay! You not only landed on your feet, but he got a taste of his own medicine. A truly satisfying update.

binzoma

it's not irony when 'if they cheated with you they'll cheat on you' comes to pass, but it sure is hilarious/satisfying to see congrats op! keep living your best life

s-mores

Good job. You survived. It's all gravy from now on.

he pretends on social media that he is an active, attentive father

Can you get some relative to be on watchout and shoot him down every time, he still hasn't even signed a parenting plan or sold the house? Good luck. You can do this. I believe in you.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. I'm not the original poster and am not stuck in a closet currently. I don't need advice about this situation. The OOP is u/.emfayea in .

July 21, 2020 in

last night my (19F) boyfriend (20M) and i decided he should sneak me up to his room and i could sleepover. nothing new, we've done it before, his grandma who he lives with wakes up at the ass crack of dawn to go to work 5 days a week very consistently, so we assumed we were fine. we were not fine. we both woke up around 7 today, shes still home.. so were like fuck, cause bf had to work at 8. he tells me to just stay in his room and lock the door, apparently she has a doctors appointment at 10 so thats my chance to leave when she goes. he says she wont try to come in but doors locked so she cant... im laying there and the door handle jiggles, i say oh god fuck... i try to quietly roll out of the bed... shes yelling "whos in there?! oh no he did not lock this" and disappears to her room bc i hear her footsteps go away, i shove my shoes and purse under the bed and run to his closet and fumble around trying to fit in the back corner and pull shit up around my legs, right as i settle she comes back with a key and comes in rambling and muttering about how dare he lock the door and this and that. his grandma is a very conservative lady. she will kill me if she finds me and i will never be allowed in this house again... anyways, she comes in and cleans and checks out the closet and im shoved in this back corner having a full blown moment of panic. She didnt find me then, shes come back in a few times though. Anyways. im still in here. she hasnt left yet. if anyone has any advice on what i should do please help me, my phones almost dead and i really, really have to pee. my butts also sore from sitting here for so long

Notable Comments:

• Oh my goodness, y’all are adults. Bust out of there naked, pointing at your crotch, saying where her grandson has been. It’ll make for a funny story to your grandkids later.

• Put a white sheet on you and float out of the house like a ghost 👻

• But late but for future reference just hum the pink panther theme tune. Makes you visible 100% of the time, every time.

July 21, 2020, 2 hours later

im free ladies and gentleman. not long after i put that post out she started getting ready for her appointment. when she left i finally got up after 2 hours of being cramped in that corner and took an amazing pee. although i did mess up in my process of leaving by turning off a fan she had just turned on, and taking something off his table- i honestly hope she thinks she just has early on set dementia or something, but i ran out the garage and down the street to my car! thankyou for all the help yall and the entertainment while i was cooped up haha.

Notable Comment:

• Plot twist: she's had interior security cameras all along and is just escalating to slowly torment you to a slow anxiety death.

This is a repost. I'm not the original poster and do not need advice about peeing in rain boots.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7 day waiting period- ergo, the latest update is 7 days old. This has not been posted on this sub before because of the 7 day waiting period.

Trigger Warnings: References to sexual assault; PTSD; discussions of mental health issues

Mood Spoiler: Sad and disgusting behavior, but OOP is ok

Original : May 30, 2024

I 27F was a bridesmaid at my older sister's wedding last week. The wedding was beautiful and everything seemed perfect until the reception. During the reception the maid of honor who has been my sister's best friend since childhood gave her speech. it was emotional and all but then she made a joke about how I was the family screw up who finally managed to do something right by not messing up my bridesmaid duties. Everyone laughed but I didn't find it funny.

For context I’ve had a rough few years. I struggled with my mental health and dropped out of college for a while. I've since gotten my life back on track but it’s still a sensitive topic for me. Hearing that joke in front of all our family and friends wasn't funny at all. My sister's best friend and I never really got along but still I never expected something like this from her. Especially the day wasn't about me at all then why bring me up in the speech?

I tried to stay composed but I felt the tears coming so I quietly left the reception and went outside to collect myself. My sister followed me out and asked what was wrong. When I told her she said it was just a joke and she meant nothing bad. I tried to go back inside but I just couldn't and I ended up leaving the wedding early. My parents understand why I was upset but my sister is angry with me. I do feel terrible for leaving but I also feel like I had the right to feel hurt and humiliated.

Edit: I said nothing at the moment because I didn't want to cause a scene on my sister's special day. And I can't reason with her right now because she will just ask me if I haven't been taking my meds lately, that's what she does when she's angry with me so I'm giving her some time to maybe realize how her best friend's joke was out of line.

Edit 2: someone asked me if my sister's best friend and I argued before/did I give her a reason to do this. My sister's best friend and I never went past Hi. She told me before (few years ago) that she "in general" doesn't feel comfortable around someone struggling mentally because in her head God only knows what they're capable of. since she said this/to this day I just try to avoid her.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. MOH was being a 'mean girl', her point was to be a b*itch and she was. Her speech should have been about the couple who just got married, there was no reason to bring you into her speech at all, except to be mean. MOH should be ashamed of herself as she is the ah here. Your sister not seeing this and her words to you also make her an ah. I'm sorry your sister was crappy to you, may be show her this thread.

OOP: This is what I tried to tell my sister. I thought about it again but I still can't seem to find a reason for her bringing me into her speech.

Commenter (downvoted): YTA, I bet there’s another side of this story

OOP: Every story have another side, what I'm I supposed to do about that, call my sister and ask her if her best friend up for posting about her side? You think I posted on reddit for advice without putting myself out there then what's the point.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but most responses were NTA

Update : June 6, 2024 (1 week later)

Hi. Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on my post and gave their opinion/advice without being too harsh. I apologize if my update is messy or confusing. I'll try to cover everything but I don't know when to add context for clarification. If you think there's any missing info/some parts are confusing let me know.

The same day I posted my dad called to check up on me and see if my sister and I had talked things out. When I told him no he said it's better if we talk about it now and assured me that I have nothing to apologize for. If my sister thinks she has nothing to apologize for then the least she can do is make her best friend apologize or fully realize that the joke was out of line. By the way my brother and I met 4 days ago and he told me that BIL (my sister's husband) didn't like the way the MOH called me a screw-up in front of everyone and some of those who laughed voiced later that they did so out of nervousness.

On Monday my sister called me to talk. When I made it to her place, her best friend was on the phone and didn't put it down for a second. My sister started by saying that just a few years ago I would have laughed hard and not taken the joke as an insult. I told her maybe some laughed because they don't know the reason she called me a screw-up.

(For context. When I was 16 something happened and that's why I struggled mentally really badly between 16-18. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD and later with depression and anxiety. Since then I don't like it when someone touches my head. Especially my hair and the back of my head/neck. My sister knows everything)

During our conversation my sister did most of the talking. At some point I felt like my sister had called me just to blame me again without trying to understand my perspective. When I tried to talk she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me toward her with each sentence as if to say "Do you understand?" or "Okay?" I hated it and felt irritated. I honestly kept thinking if I pushes her away would I be in the wrong. Would they just call me mental and tell family I got physical. I tried to leave but she insisted that no one was leaving until we sort this out. She told her best friend to just apologize. She refused and reminded my sister that I was the reason her husband got angry at her on their wedding day because I couldn't take a joke and when I tried to explain why (EDIT: I told her if she had focused her speech on the bride/groom then maybe he wouldn't have had a reason to be angry. she refused to listen and brushed my words off) she said "Yeah whatever. Sorry" I was glad it was finally over and as I was about to leave I heard her say "Can't take a joke that everyone knows is true" Both of them laughed but my sister stopped mid-laugh and apologized. I didn't say anything and left.

I think I've had enough. I mean I know I've had a few rough years. I dropped out of college for a while, fine. But I've since gotten my life back on track. My parents helped me through it all and never made me feel like a burden. At first, I was on some strong meds that made me feel tired/sleepy most of the time. After a while I started to feel a little better with therapy and my family's support. During that period it was me, my parents and my brother. My sister was three hours away for a job and used to visit sometimes and would often bring her best friend along with her. Looking back. I don't want to say she hates me but I know she felt ashamed to have a family member struggling with mental health issues. I don't know how to explain this.

I've made up my mind and decided to go NC for now. If my parents and my brother who were there when I was going through it all never made me feel that they're ashamed of me then why would she? I'm still on some meds but feels much better than before. I have a stable job, my own place and friends who loves me for who I am. I can say I'm proud of myself a little. I love my family to death and tried to maintain a relationship with my sister all these years but I'm trying to improve myself not constantly be reminded of what I was a few years ago.

Relevant Comments:

Top Commenter: "(For context. When I was 16 something happened and that's why I struggled mentally really badly between 16-18. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD and later with depression and anxiety. Since then I don't like it when someone touches my head. Especially my hair and the back of my head/neck. My sister knows everything)"

"When I tried to talk she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me toward her with each sentence as if to say "Do you understand?" or "Okay?" "

This is more than enough imo to just go no contact. She knows about the trauma you went through and blatantly weaponized it against you, and that's just disgusting and cruel. I'm sorry you had to deal with this op and I'm glad you are at a point in life where you can enforce your boundaries and appreciate how far You've come. 

Future reference if you ever decide to be around or communicate with your sister I don't think you should be alone with her. You should be able to have a third party that also knows about your past trauma and boundaries there to act as witness and a mediator if she pulls that kind of shit again.

OOP:  know but I don't think I will be around her anytime soon. I'm still a little shaken by the fact that she knows everything and still grabbed me by the back of my neck to prove her point.

Commenter: NTA. Your sister has chosen her friend over you, she hasn’t apologized, no one is taking accountability that should be.

You need to go very lc or nc with this sister. Your parents should be covering this and really championing you. MoH should be pariahed by the rest of your family.

OOP: I've decided to go NC. I want to move on from what happened and everything she's said to me before. She's said a lot of hurtful things in the past but the way she tried to shut me up by grabbing me by the back of my neck.. I just can't get over it. She doesn't love/respect me enough to not use that against me

Commenter (part of a longer downvoted comment): How would the MOH know that this happened to her?

OOP: She brought her best friend home when I was still covered in bruises. Of course, I didn't want to see anyone other than my family but I was in no condition to voice my wants. I'm sure I left my room at least 2-3 times and she saw me. Besides she brought her best friend along when it was better for me to not interact with anyone but family. I'm certain she told her everything.

Commenter: I would tell your family EXACTLY what transpired AND send your new BIL a link to these posts! You've overcome SO much, keep moving forward and cut the toxic out of your life! Best wishes and many, MANY Blessings for your future happiness and success!

OOP: Thank youu🙏🏻 I'm going to see my parents tomorrow along with my brother. They will probably ask me how it went and I will tell them exactly what happened.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My wife said she does not owe me sex

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, neglect

: May 30, 2024

And she is right. She does not owe me sex just because I am her husband but I cannot take it anymore. Sexual incompatibility is hell. I have been busy drafting divorce documents with my lawyer this week. I believe it's best if we separate because we became incompatible after some time.

4 years of marriage, both in early 30s. Hormone test came up normal. I begged her for marriage counseling with sex therapy. I did everything she pointed out, she came with other excuses. Since the beginning of the relationship, we take turns handling laundry and dishes. For the other tasks, we have our own responsibilities for different rooms/tasks. It is not in the sexual department as well. She does not seem to be into having non-sexual intimacy either recently. Countless discussions and nothing in the end. It was not like that in the beginning so I am not sure what happened. Marriage counseling and sexual therapy did not work either. She seems happy in the relationship and daily life but I am not. We had sex only 2 times since the beginning of this year. She mentioned we should start try having kids at the beginning of this week and I got annoyed. What am I? Something kept for only breeding?

I will give her the divorce notice documents next Monday and I am torn the relationship will end like that. I'll also leave the house as soon as possible. However, I am sure I am doing both of us a favor in the long-run. We should separate before having kids. Just wanted to vent and get opinion from a neutral point of view.

Relevant Comments

OOP was asked if he and his wife had kids in the marriage

OOP: It is obvious the resentment would grow even more in the future. Having a child in that environment would be such a cruel thing to do.

OOP having the divorce talks with his wife

OOP: I told her that I would consider divorce in our last talk but she did not even believe it nor took it seriously. Also, I do not believe people should stay in miserable position in any part of their life. Everyone has right to leave and choose better for themselves.

OOP responds to questions on the sex life with his wife

OOP: First 2 years of the marriage it was good. After that, it started declining to a point of almost no sex. I do not think she is having an affair because there is no clue or something to make me suspicious. We are mostly together and she did not give me any reason to be suspicious of.

First 2 years it was good. It's not that I woke up now. I just tried to fix it and change it for 2 years. In the end nothing worked and I decided to divorce.

para_la_calle: That’s crazy that she’s considering having kids with you and you were considering divorce

Two people living together yet so far apart

: June 6, 2024

The first post can be found on my profile. I will keep this update short.

She got the notice papers this Monday and was shocked. I explained her in detail and thoroughly why I came to that decision. I pointed out every previous discussion we had, how there were no efforts from her side and we are simply incompatible in the end. There was crying and arguments again. I also told her I would be going back to my hometown to settle in my pre-marital house. It was my mom's but after she passed away, we shared it 1/2-1/2 with my sister though I gave my share to my sister later. We had to move to our current city due to my wife's job. A lot happened that day but I will not give details as they were mostly personal.

Next day, I started packing important things and out of a sudden, my wife became the most sexual person on the planet. She came to me with lingeries, sex toys, costumes and approached me. I am going to be honest. I had a very hard time resisting but rejected her advances every time. She is the woman I love and desire after all but I do not think staying in this marriage will be healthy for either of us.

I am currently staying at a hotel with my important belongings. I changed my passwords and handled other shared things. My sister will come next week to get me and I believe I'll be staying at her place in our hometown for a while. At least until beds and furnitures are delivered to the house.

Some Redditors pointed out that she may be cheating on me but she did not give me reason to be suspicious of. I trust her fully. I just wish we were more compatible in the intimacy department. She is trying to reach out to me but I reject her calls and do not read her texts. I may need few days of peace and silence to get myself ready for everything upcoming.

Thank you for the advices and suggestions on the last thread. Take care.

Relevant Comments

OOP on what he plans to do once the divorce is finalized

OOP: Dating is not the first thing in my mind right now. I need to settle in the new house, get used to it and I am in the process of changing jobs after my notice. I need to handle these things to consider dating. Also, I do not think I will have a hard time meeting with new people.

For the dating her part, I do not know and I do not think it's realistic either.

Commenter: Well done for being strong when she confronted you with everything you had been wishing she would! That was a good choice, giving in would have prolonged this cul-de-sac in both of your lives, and caused lots of harm in the end.

New-Number-7810: It's a little insulting that your ex-wife only became open to sex after you gave her divorce papers. It showed that she could have made an effort, but consciously chose not to. She considers her happiness worth the effort, but not yours.

Proceeding with the divorce is the right thing to do. You're not the problem, your ex is. You can find happiness with someone else.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My partner wants to name our child after his recently deceased mother and I want to leave him because of it.

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a loved one, manipulation

  Apr 20, 2024

My partner lost his mother in March. Suddenly. She took her breathing tube out of her nose to blow it and because she was half asleep she forgot to put it back on and she drifted away. When she was found it was too late. It was peaceful and honestly is the way I would want to go...with nothing but peace and comfort.

I found out I was pregnant 7 months prior. We had a name picked out. After her passing however he has decided to take it upon himself to change our child's name to her name. You know when a person gives a name such a bad taste in your mouth?? That's what she did to this name. She wasn't a horrible person per say but she wasn't the best. She had moments where she was wonderful but most of the time she was...and please don't take this the wrong way because I hate to talk so about the dead...but she was a monster in law. She wouldnt take care of herself, she would get taken to hospital (get attention from her children), get back into good health, get sent home and when things returned to normal and the attention would suffice she would do it all over again. She needed her children's sole attention...always. She needed to feel important, wanted, needed. It made me feel bad and honestly broke my heart that she felt she needed to do this all the time to get any attention.

Now she is gone and as much as I loved her and miss her (and believe me I do)... I do not want that name associated with our child. I don't want to think about her Everytime I talk to our child. I don't want the stigma I have towards that name forced onto our child. We have actually argued over it. I have tried to compromise by making it a middle name. I have tried to add a name to it so it's one whole name but he won't budge. I have told him we have a name already. He won't budge. I'm at a point where I want to leave him because it's being forced onto me and I don't want it. I want our child to have a name that is nothing to do with anyone we know. Our son has his step dads name as a middle name. Our daughter has his grandma's name as a middle name and our oldest has his step dads mother's name as a first name. I want this child to have something simplistic and beautiful. I don't want to be reminded of someone who was so toxic to herself it ate away at others. Can someone give me some advice on what I can do? Please I am at a loss. I honestly don't want to do this with him anymore because of how he is acting. I caved with every other child but this name I cannot and will not cave on. I love the name that was already chosen.

Edit: I am not a doormat. I find it rather cruel a few of you have said that. I agreed on our other children's names BEFORE THEY WERE BORN!! I need advice on how to handle this without breaking his heart and being respectful and tactful but also showing him this isn't a good idea. Also I did love his mother... She was a very damaged individual and made it hard to love her but I still did. I respected her and cared for her deeply. I find it horrible that's even being questioned. She did bad things but that didn't make her a bad person just a lonely sad person who made mistakes. As for people saying if a name is a reason to separate then you are a problem. It's not that at all. It's the fact that we had a name already chosen and he has now in the midst of grief changed it to a name that was never ever discussed and I feel like I have zero say. It may be hormones prompting this. I want him to heal, I want to heal. Even his sister thinks it's a bad idea. I have him in grief counseling and she wants to help me with this. We will go together and apart. I will do all I can to stand by him during this process. I will not talk about the name any further with him until he has had some time to come to terms with things. I will continue on with our plans to name her what was originally agreed upon. Thank you guys

RELEVANT COMMENTS

His mother lived with his sister. She was perfectly content as that's what she wanted. As for her problems she would eat things that were bad for herself and end up in the hospital knowing fully well they would put her there. She was on a strict diet from her doctor because of medical issues. When she would get to that point she honestly really bad...it ended up being a big fiasco usually it's a three day stent in the hospital with them doing a Paracentesis and checking her fluid work. It got to where she was having them done continuously that she ended up getting referred to have them done monthly and it was determined it was from all the salty food she was eating.

She got to points where she would stop going to the table to eat because she wanted to watch the telly and get weak muscles in her legs so she had issues moving at one point becoming completely bed bound. Multiple times she ended up in rehab facilities because she got to points that she stopped doing anything and lost mobility and had to get it back with the help of specialists. Her daughter couldn't force her to do anything and if she tried she would get my partner involved to argue with her so she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

As for names we both chose the first names and we both agreed on middle names. It was always a compromise on both of our parts. We always named together and if it was a name I didn't truly care for as a first name we used it as a middle name especially if it had meaning to him we would find a name that fit with the other name that we both agreed on so it would flow nicely.

As for me being an asshole about children's lives being solely on economic stability I never stated that...I just stated I am able to afford another so why shouldn't I. I grew up poor with four siblings and we struggled. I make sure we don't struggle and I want a big family. My kids will hopefully never know how it was to live off of $50 a month with four kids and an adult food wise.

HawkeyeinDC

Hold on:  he’s already claimed the middle names of HIS family members for your three other kids??? Am I reading this right???

OOP

We both agreed on them yes. He loves his grandmother she raised him and his sister. I never knew her but everyone who did said she was the sweetest soul. I was happy to give our child her middle name. Our son had his step fathers middle name he was a absolute peach and he took me on as his own child and I called him dad. I waited four years to name our son after him. He has his middle name. Our daughter has his father's mothers name and I love the name. It was honestly a name we had previously chosen and the name once we found that it was a family name it was decided. We have a name picked for this child but now he wants to completely change it and not compromise. I won't budge and neither will he so I'm just not going to talk or explain to him anymore. Our child will be named what we had originally agreed upon and nothing more.

His mother wasn't the best person growing up from what her daughter has stated in conversation. Made some bad mistakes that cost her a lot. I loved her dearly but she always needed to be centered in everything. Our relationship was strained for a year after we got together but we got through it and had a great relationship afterwards. She would pull ranks and turn siblings against each other to get what she wanted even if it wasn't good for her. Drugs were a problem. Self medicating was a problem. She acted like she had nothing when that wasn't the case. She loved the name we had picked for our daughter. We were extremely close and we actually asked what she thought. She loved her grandkids and myself very much and us her. She never should have left so soon. It was an accident. I hate talking about her in this way because she is gone and you don't talk Ill of the dead... I never resented her.

  June 6, 2024

Hello guys I know it's been a month but I wanted to update you guys on the situation since I made my last post. Little backstory if you didn't know my situation. Partner decided to change our daughters name without talking to me about it after his mother's recent passing without even accepting a compromise and I come templated leaving him. Well guys a big flip to our story. This whole time it's been confirmed a girl until two weeks ago... We are having a little boy. Every ultrasound has been wrong. We went to my final appointment and the high risk doctor confirmed we all have a little boy due in two weeks. It broke my heart to see him shut down in the office. He actually left my appointment. He became distant so I sat down with him and we had a talk after our babies were sleeping. I'm going to give our son his mother's surname as a middle name. It cheered him up but I get it's not the same. Things have drastically calmed down since we got his mom's ashes back. I bought him a beautiful necklace urn for fathers day which has his mother's picture and a beautiful quote on it. He can have a little piece of her with him forever...he doesn't know about it yet but I know he is going to love it. His therapy is going well as is mine and as is our daughters. We are all healing very well. We are stronger than ever. Thank you all for the advice good and bad.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ExtremeDemonUK

Its clear this poor chap was hugely grief stricken and was not thinking straight. Whatever the circumstances I’m glad things have calmed down. Sounds like he is getting help to deal with his wife and is very fortunate to have such a lovely caring wife

OOP

Thank you so much. We are nowhere out of the woods yet but we are trying to get through the issues at hand. As long as he is willing to fight to get mentally better I will fight with him. Being pregnant and dealing with this has been hard my emotions have been all over the place too with dealing with our kids and him and hormones and being in and out of the hospital. It's been a battle but him being active in wanting help and doing what's necessary has calmed everything down immensely. I'm just glad to have a slither of him back and I'm sure with continued therapy I'll have the man I had come back to me. With my own therapy too they have shown me that I wasn't 100% innocent in this and that me giving in with our other children was a big problem that didn't help with this issue and I take blame for that. I have been working to be able to not people please and it's gotten to where I have boundaries now which I never thought would make me so happy lol.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Original Post on **: (March 27, 2024)**

Alright Reddit, here's how I messed up today. This coworker, A (20s F), is always super friendly and talks to me a lot. But there's one thing that throws me off - she constantly comments on how I smell different from our other colleagues of the same ethnicity. It's a compliment, I guess, but weirdly specific.

So, today, I walk into the office, and A isn't there yet. But the second I enter, she calls out, "Is that you, OP?" I say yes, and she replies, "Oh yeah, I thought I smelled you." Now, this wasn't my brightest moment, but I blurted out, "Yeah, that's not creepy at all."

There were some laughs, but the atmosphere got weird. I apologized right away for calling her creepy, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since. TIFU by overreacting, or is this a valid discomfort level?

TL;DR: Coworker (A) keeps complimenting my distinct scent and seems to track me by smell. It weirds me out. Today, she confirmed it again. I panicked and called it creepy (probably not the best choice). Now A's mad. Did I overstep, or is this a valid concern?

Edit: To clarify a few details:

I'm a man in my late 20s. The coworker (A) is a woman in her 20s. When she commented on my scent, we weren't looking at each other, and there was some distance between us (around 1.5 meters). I do wear cologne, and she has complimented it in the past. This comment about smelling me was the first thing she said to me, and it initiated our conversation. As far as I know, she isn't romantically interested in me. In fact, I believe I overheard her mention being a lesbian to other colleagues. I typically receive compliments on my cologne from both men and women.

Comments:

20milliondollarapi: I had one pregnant coworker constantly comment on how good I smelled. It was very odd. Especially on a biological level.

AgencyandFreeWill: I think the assumptions in some of the comments here that you have poor hygiene are out of line. I'm sorry you have to deal with that garbage. I don't think your actions were a FU. Her behavior has been completely out of line and she could use some harassment training. Would it have been better to say something to her earlier in private, sure. But it's normal to not know how to combat this sort of harassment. You reacted normally to an abnormal situation. Hopefully, calling her out will help her change her behavior in the future. If she continues to comment on your smell, you may want to have a more direct conversation with her and raise concerns with HR and/or supervisors if she continues after that. Good job standing up for yourself.

Arcturion: Commenting on someone else's body odor is straight up rude, regardless of their gender. Her comments were making you feel uncomfortable and uneasy, so you do have valid concerns. Whether you overstepped falls into a grey area; it depends on your relationship with her, your office environment, etc. What's acceptable in an office where everyone pranks and casually makes fun of each other may not be acceptable in an office that is strictly professional. It could have been handled better; for example, if you spoke to her privately explaining how her comments were insulting to you. It's easier to calibrate a response in private compared to confronting her in the open.

Hanyabull: I’m not sure where you are located but that would be harassment where I work. It’s also racist if she’s throwing around ethnicity.

TheRiddler1976: Imagine a male coworker constantly tells a female coworker how good they smell. Yeah...that's creepy. Women shouldn't get a free pass.

theforceisfemale: Saying you smell different than other people OF YOUR ETHNICITY is a wild and insane thing to say. I don’t think you fucked up at all.

Update Post on **: (June 5, 2024)**

Alright Reddit, here's an update on my previous post.

For those who missed it, I had this coworker, A (20s F), who kept complimenting my cologne in a way that I found a bit unsettling. One day, she called out that she could smell me the moment I walked in, and I blurted out, "Yeah, that's not creepy at all." She didn't take it well, and things got awkward between us.

Since then, I've had some interesting developments. I asked A again if my cologne bothered her or if I wore too much, and she reassured me that she loves the smell and encouraged me to keep wearing it.

In another conversation while we were working together, she mentioned that she's not a lesbian but bisexual and actively looking for a relationship. She even started flirting with me after that. Two weeks later, during a small party at my place, she asked me some pretty probing questions like what kind of woman I want to marry and when I last had sex and kissed (it was part of a game we were playing).

Guess who’s asking her out on a date now? Wish me luck!

TL;DR: Previously, I called my coworker A "creepy" for frequently commenting on my cologne. Things got awkward, but after more conversations and some party fun, it turns out she's into me, and now I'm asking her out on a date.

OOP's Edit: I want to clarify that I do not work there anymore. My departure was due to different reasons, and the separation was really amicable and bittersweet, as the party was my separation party.

Disclaimer: I am not the original poster (OOP).

Original Post on (March 27, 2024):

Alright Reddit, here's how I messed up today. This coworker, A (20s F), is always super friendly and talks to me a lot. But there's one thing that throws me off - she constantly comments on how I smell different from our other colleagues of the same ethnicity. It's a compliment, I guess, but weirdly specific.

So, today, I walk into the office, and A isn't there yet. But the second I enter, she calls out, "Is that you, OP?" I say yes, and she replies, "Oh yeah, I thought I smelled you." Now, this wasn't my brightest moment, but I blurted out, "Yeah, that's not creepy at all."

There were some laughs, but the atmosphere got weird. I apologized right away for calling her creepy, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since. TIFU by overreacting, or is this a valid discomfort level?

TL;DR: Coworker (A) keeps complimenting my distinct scent and seems to track me by smell. It weirds me out. Today, she confirmed it again. I panicked and called it creepy (probably not the best choice). Now A's mad. Did I overstep, or is this a valid concern?

Edit: To clarify a few details:

I'm a man in my late 20s. The coworker (A) is a woman in her 20s. When she commented on my scent, we weren't looking at each other, and there was some distance between us (around 1.5 meters). I do wear cologne, and she has complimented it in the past. This comment about smelling me was the first thing she said to me, and it initiated our conversation. As far as I know, she isn't romantically interested in me. In fact, I believe I overheard her mention being a lesbian to other colleagues. I typically receive compliments on my cologne from both men and women.

Comments:

20milliondollarapi: I had one pregnant coworker constantly comment on how good I smelled. It was very odd. Especially on a biological level.

AgencyandFreeWill: I think the assumptions in some of the comments here that you have poor hygiene are out of line. I'm sorry you have to deal with that garbage. I don't think your actions were a FU. Her behavior has been completely out of line and she could use some harassment training. Would it have been better to say something to her earlier in private, sure. But it's normal to not know how to combat this sort of harassment. You reacted normally to an abnormal situation. Hopefully, calling her out will help her change her behavior in the future. If she continues to comment on your smell, you may want to have a more direct conversation with her and raise concerns with HR and/or supervisors if she continues after that. Good job standing up for yourself.

Arcturion: Commenting on someone else's body odor is straight up rude, regardless of their gender. Her comments were making you feel uncomfortable and uneasy, so you do have valid concerns. Whether you overstepped falls into a grey area; it depends on your relationship with her, your office environment, etc. What's acceptable in an office where everyone pranks and casually makes fun of each other may not be acceptable in an office that is strictly professional. It could have been handled better; for example, if you spoke to her privately explaining how her comments were insulting to you. It's easier to calibrate a response in private compared to confronting her in the open.

Hanyabull: I’m not sure where you are located but that would be harassment where I work. It’s also racist if she’s throwing around ethnicity.

TheRiddler1976: Imagine a male coworker constantly tells a female coworker how good they smell. Yeah...that's creepy. Women shouldn't get a free pass.

theforceisfemale: Saying you smell different than other people OF YOUR ETHNICITY is a wild and insane thing to say. I don’t think you fucked up at all.

Update Post on (June 5, 2024):

Alright Reddit, here's an update on my previous post.

For those who missed it, I had this coworker, A (20s F), who kept complimenting my cologne in a way that I found a bit unsettling. One day, she called out that she could smell me the moment I walked in, and I blurted out, "Yeah, that's not creepy at all." She didn't take it well, and things got awkward between us.

Since then, I've had some interesting developments. I asked A again if my cologne bothered her or if I wore too much, and she reassured me that she loves the smell and encouraged me to keep wearing it.

In another conversation while we were working together, she mentioned that she's not a lesbian but bisexual and actively looking for a relationship. She even started flirting with me after that. Two weeks later, during a small party at my place, she asked me some pretty probing questions like what kind of woman I want to marry and when I last had sex and kissed (it was part of a game we were playing).

Guess who’s asking her out on a date now? Wish me luck!

OOP's Edit: I want to clarify that I do not work there anymore. My departure was due to different reasons, and the separation was really amicable and bittersweet, as the party was my separation party.

Comments:

Moist_Sympathy7798: That's not how I expected this update will go but good for you and good luck

LeatherDoughnut1527: Thanks

illit3: Dating a coworker... Absolutely no way this can turn into another tifu post.

LeatherDoughnut1527: I don’t work there anymore

chaosunleashed: Also as much as reddit gets up everyone's ass about this, some huge percentage of married folks met at work

gnufoot: Yeah... it's honestly kind of a pet peeve for me how judgmental people on reddit are in that regard. A fair share of my (ex)-colleagues are couples. Some of them knew each other already as they started working here, some met here. I haven't heard of anyone dating and not ending up together. No one breaking up. No drama or people quitting over it. Idk what kind of bubble I'm in or what kind of bubble these redditors are in that they see dating co-workers as such a bad idea...

Disclaimer: I am not the original poster (OOP).

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

[New Update]: My MIL doesn't let me have sex with my husband

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, death of a parent, imminent death, cancer

RECAP

: October 6, 2023

My husband and I got married a year ago. He and I didn't live together before, in fact we hardly saw each other because we both worked and studied at the same time, so our time was quite limited. We got married and went to live together in his apartment.

Unfortunately two months after our wedding his father died in an accident. My mother-in-law and my husband (who is an only child) were devastated as it was quite sudden.

My mother-in-law, left alone, began to suggest to my husband that we move with her to her house to keep her company, but because she is from another state we couldn't due to our jobs and college.

Then she came to us, our apartment is 2 rooms, so my mother-in-law occupied one and my husband and I occupied another.

I mean my mother-in-law never liked me. She is one of the mothers who think "that no woman is good enough for her son."

As a couple who are still "in the honeymoon stage" we had sex very frequently. Every day, even up to twice a day. This changed when my mother-in-law arrived, since the apartment is small so I didn't feel comfortable doing it with her living there.

The thing is that when we did have sex with my husband, my mother-in-law magically "interrupted us." It didn't matter what time it was, even if it was 3 AM she casually got up and knocked on our door asking "What are we doing?" Or telling my husband that she feels bad because her head hurts or things like that.

This has been going on since my mother-in-law moved in with us, it's been a stressful 7 months. Besides, I have no privacy of any kind, she criticizes everything I do, especially my food.

My husband tries to give me my place, saying things like: "it's not true mom, the food tastes good."

What really annoyed me was the fact that she started saying that several things of value and money were lost in her room casually the day I stayed at home. (I had the day off from work and study in the afternoons)

I really got fed up, I told my husband that this really wasn't what I expected. I agreed to let her move in with us because my father-in-law passed away and I was really trying to be empathetic to her and her pain, but I'm not going to let her call me a thief.

Now I'm at my parents' house, my husband keeps calling me and sending me messages to come back, but I don't know what to do anymore. This is really stressful.

Relevant Comments

Kampfzwerg0: Is your husband fine with that too? Does he want a sexless marriage? Or would that for him and MIL be an excuse to have an affair or tell you it’s your fault because you are not a good wife.

She accusing you of stealing would be the moment I where I would have kicked her out and tell husband to go with her. He doesn’t show you any respect. Neither does she.

Sometimes it really needs to hurt to make space for change. You accepted way too much. Talk to him but make a list of all the things she has done. Don’t let him interrupt you. And then tell him to show you all the things your parents have done to him. I am pretty sure that list isn’t long.

Show him how unnormal his and his mothers behaviour is.

OP: I don't think so, he seems pretty frustrated since we stopped having sex. But he doesn't try to start anything either because he knows that his mother is going to interrupt us anyway. After she interrupts us we no longer continue with sex

: November 6, 2023 (one month later)

Hello good evening Thank you all for your advice and comments, I tried to read them all.

I wanted to give you a little update.

I returned with my husband last Thursday. While I lived with my parents we were talking and seeing each other.

The first time I agreed to talk to him I told him that he really had to do something about his mother because our relationship was going down the drain.

He kicked his mother out. She didn't take it so well. Remember how I told you she wanted to sell her house? Well, she actually did, she put her house up for sale. What surprised me so much is that she listed her house for sale at well below the average cost considering where that house is located. Apparently she was about to close the deal with some potential buyers.

She hasn't communicated with anyone since she left. We also don't know if she returned to her house.

And now everything is fine. My husband also thanked me because he couldn't stand having his mother in our apartment anymore.

I also made it very clear to my husband that if his mother had behaved differently I would never really have minded if she stayed with us.

I feel a little bad for her but she really brought it on herself, I was always kind despite her treatment.

Thanks guys for your comments and advice.

----NEW UPDATE----

: June 6, 2024 (7 months later)

Hello, it has been several months since the last update.

Long story short, my mother-in-law returned to our apartment.

After my husband kicked her out she didn't contact us for about 2 months. Then she began to resume communication with my husband.

Three months ago we received the news that my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. My husband asked me to move her mother back with us and given the situation I accepted.

But she continues with the same attitude from the beginning. And now it is worse since she needs various care, and I must take care of her. I quit my job to take care of her full time.

We are drowning in debt since my husband's salary is not enough to cover all expenses. My husband suggested putting my mother-in-law's house up for sale again and she refused, saying that it was the only thing she had left and that she wanted it to be my husband's inheritance.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to several questions on if her mother-in-law really has stage 4 cancer or is she faking it

OOP: yes, she really has it She is not tolerating meals, I must help her go to the bathroom and shower as well. She just sits on the couch and screams to ask and demand things.

Most of her family on her mother's side have died due to liver problems and stomach cancer. I understand that she has also had problems tolerating food, but she was not very keen on going to the doctor either since she liked to self-medicate to relieve stomach pain.

And, she is really already very bad, she needs help for almost everything. Even with going to the bathroom, she wears a diaper at night, she eats like once a day because she doesn't tolerate anything.

And no, unfortunately, she does not have health insurance.

Because of the free healthcare in my country, they didn't really do much. They also did not give a prognosis. They reinstated her on some painkillers but it really don't help anything anymore.

It's also obvious that she won't be long.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for dropping of my employers kids at her important meeting?

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, entitlement, hostile workplace, harassment

: May 26, 2024

TA as my main is linked to me and I have received clients through it.

I was an au pair before and now I provide nanny services and annual babysitting services (a new contract is signed every year, there are no run on contracts). I have three others working for me, and the occasional teen looking to make some extra cash.

One of my employees was done with a minor celebrity family abroad.

This celebrity had recommended her to one of their other celebrity friends. I had a few families that weren't vetted on a list, but because she said she already knew the social circle, she wanted to start immediately due to cash flow and was willing to start before the formalities and paperwork was sorted out. The contract with base rate, extras and holidays and all were signed and agreed upon before she started.

Apart from some minor disagreements her former celebrity employer was overall a good client. So, I allowed her to start thinking their friend wouldn't be a hassle, without vetting them. The first week went ok, and I got good feedback from her when I touched base with her. The second week there were some minor disagreements. The third week they didn't serve her food because they felt she was getting paid enough to get her own food.

I contacted them and gave them a warning that they couldn't breach the contract and to reimburse her cost of food. They agreed to it, but the day after my employee contacted me and said they gave her what they thought she should use for food instead of her actual costs and she wanted to quit.

I contacted them again and told them that there would be legal action if they didn't. They did begrudingley but left a voicemail wondering why she felt the need to eay papayas and pineapples (even though this is part of the children's diet and as per the contract she would get the same food) and other fancy stuff when she couldn't afford it. They also said people like her should stick to what is within the means of their budget.

So I moved her out this placement, and came to an agreement that I would take over her duties until I found them a different one. This is in line with the contract. It's my responsibility if a nanny is sick or otherwise not able to do the job, not the parents.

The children were not the best behaved but due to their ages I let it slide. Things got bad for me during the fourth week as it was my weekend off. When I woke up she had written me a note taped to my bedroom door that she was gone for the weekend and that I should help her out this once as I had given her a faulty nanny to begin with. This was in line with her character from what I had observed, but I was still shocked that she would pull this after me explaining the contract before taking over.

I let it slide, when she returned she came back with her husband. I sat them both down and told them that during my days off which they would be informed about minimum 14 days prior as per contract they had to arrange their own childcare. In additon I reminded them that as they had now been given two warnings, the third would void the contract, whic was in the contract. They tried to raise objections, but I reminded them that I was an employee not a slave.

Six weeks from then; which was yesterday; I was supposed to have the weekend off. When I woke up in the morning the house was empty apart from the children, the bearded dragon, the duck and the other animals. Even the chef wasn't there.

The note she had left stated that she was out entertaining her friends and coworkers at the beach and that she would be back by 2. She said she would really appreciate it if I could do it just once more as it was an important get together. The children were more or less old enough to take care of themselves so it wasn't a hard job.

2 came and went and no sign of either one of them. By 4 I had left several messages. By 5 their other celebrity friend came by to pick up some of his stuff that he had left behind a few days earlier. He mentioned a restaurant and handed me a twenty telling me to hang on in there as it was an important appointment. She was trying to get back into being an actress and she needed this. No sooner had he left did I pack up the children and made my way there.

I asked the waitress to guide me to the table as we were doing a surprise and that the children had looked forward to this all week (that was a lie, but I needed to get to her before the waitstaff stopped me). Her children are known in the area so I am glad they let me through. Then I crashed her "important meeting" with a "surprise" and telling her the contract was voided and to expect a solicitor to contact them.

Since last evening both her and her husband have left....ummm...unsavoury messages on my phone. So was AITAH?????

Additional Information from OOP on her growing business

OOP: I was auparing when I was younger. I am a lot older now.

Yes the nannies are my clients too, but they are also my employees and I sign them up for the relevant courses and I get a cut from their wages. There are independent nannies but usually they have to cover everything themselves. Whereas through me I provide certain services; legal, accounts, tax, immigration etc. I have seen a trend in people going through other agencies too. I did so myself towards the end of my career. One of the teens that I found a family for the summer holidays (not live in ) was with a family where three of the nannies were on rotation from different agencies, and they still needed someone to hang out with the children in the summer holidays as the two of the nannies had holidays.

The contract stated, and I believe I mentioned it in the comments to another redditor, that if the nanny doesn't work out I provide a new one to stand in while getting them another permanent one. This is why a lot of my clients are happy to refer me and my lot to other families. If my other nannies are not able to do so due to being engaged I step in myself or ask through my network to appease the family.

I did message them but I was ignored.

My nannies and the extra help I hire from time to time are happy with the arrangement. The families I have access to due to my own network is also part of the deal. They wouldn't be nannying at those payrates otherwise.

The family pays me in full and I pay the relevant taxes before giving the nanny their pay, I also do the employer contributions for the family and other things depending on the area of the world they are taken to. I also get the tax returns done for them which in some cases gets complicated when they are abroad and different rules apply in certain regions.

It's beneficial for sick pay and these types of disagreements as most people can't or don't have the know how for these situations. They are free to leave if they want to. It's not pimping as pimps don't provide payroll/solicitors/or generally care about their prostitues.

Maybe a different type of arrangement worked out for you and you are happy with it, but not everyone does it the same way you are used to. This works for me and the nannies and I 'll continue to do it this way.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP on the possible reputational damages, the protocol, and vetting families

OOP: It's not my reputation at stakes as I doubt they will make this public due to the husband being more well known.

I do regret not vetting them like everyone else and just taking the words of the previous family for it.

DryBite9885: If they keep up harassing you, you should name drop so we can add her low level ass to the boycott list of celebs that’s already happening. Cut her off at the knees.

OOP: Well, I am giving it a week to see if the messages become more apologetic. I have to contact them through my solicitor as I need to get that over time plus other wages due. If they don't play nice neither will.

Scurrymunga: NTA. You handled that professionally. I hope you documented all these interactions and kept all the voice notes. It feels like you'll need that leverage.

OOP: I have to keep the voice messages as I need to get my overtime and the base pay. In case they want to bail on that I have evidence. In the past when I consulted a solicitor on how to go about setting up the business she told me to keep all texts and emails until pay and references were out of the way.

OOP provides an example of what her nannies/au pairs will not do for the families like taking care of pets as they are not their responsibilities

OOP: Bearded dragons, snakes, tarantulas are the type of pets that have become cool and a lot of rich people get them for their children, not just celebrities. It's a long list.

Just to add, before I got my own business I worked for 18 months with a family that bought their daughter a puppy every few months. When the old one was out of the cute stage they would replace it even if it technically was a puppy. They had done it so many times that the local shelter wouldn't take puppies from them anymore. I had to drive two towns over to hand them in as they made me complicit in this. That is why my contracts specifically state what the nannies/au pairs can and can't do. Just because they can afford animals exotic or otherwise does not mean they love them or take care of them.

: June 6, 2024 (Almost 2 weeks later)

A lot has happened since I posted the original.

My solicitor contacted them regarding the pay, involuntary overtime and a deadline to pay it in full or there would be fines for missed deadline of payment.

They tried to stall, and wanted me to delete the voicemails, texts and emails before paying thinking they had the upper hand. My solicitor said they couldn't force me to delete or keep anything I had received.

I sent them a clip of one of the messages that leaves no room for speculation that it might be someone else.

In reply they offered to pay more by not releasing the stuff publicly as she said it would damage her and especially his reputation.

We came to an agreement that in addition to writing an apology letter to my nanny that had to leave, and compensating her for the distress they put her through, and compensating me financially I wouldn't release the material publicly. It's the best way to put this mess behind us.

I will also vet ALL my clients in the future despite where the refferal comes from to avoid a repeat of this.

I may have spread it around that this family may be a little difficult to work for, so they are going to pay more than what is industry standard in the future........

Comments

EdgeMiserable4381: Thank you for keeping them accountable. If more people would stand up to bullying of all kinds, they'd start to knock it off. Kudos for that and looking out for your staff!

Ok_Airline_9031: I would also make sure the referring client is aware of what her friend did. Its never a good look when the person you give a reference for turns out to be horrible. Not good for YOUR reputation. She may want to reconsider her friendship with this woman.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. That is . She posted in .

Trigger Warning: child abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation & body shaming

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

- May 25, 2024

For context, I (34F) live in Brazil. I'm not sure how well other countries are being informed of this, but the state of Rio Grande do Sul has been going through a devastating flood that is engulfing entire towns and affecting thousands of people. My family doesn't live in Rio Grande do Sul, but we, like many others, are donating to the survivors.

I live in an apartment with my husband (37M) and our children (10M and 6F). A couple weeks ago, we organized some of our kids' old clothes to donate. My father and stepmother told me that they were donating their clothes as well, and offered to stop by, pick up our clothes and donate everything together. I agreed.

The day of, I had an emergency at work. I left the clothes in two bags by the front door, gave my father the password to our place (we have a keypad lock and change the code frequently) and asked if he was okay stopping by while I wasn't there. He agreed, but later told me he was busy, and his wife would go instead. Some time later, my stepmother texted me, confirming she'd gotten the clothes.

When I got back home, both bags were still there. I instantly got confused. I started pondering what clothes my stepmother had picked up, which led me to check my kids' closets. Sure enough, half my daughter's clothes were gone, as well as about a third of my son's.

I called my father. Thankfully, they hadn't taken the donations anywhere yet, so I was able to get everything back. My stepmother explained she couldn't find the bags, so she just went to the closets and picked up whatever looked like it wouldn't fit them anymore.

If anyone else had done this, I probably wouldn't be this upset. Sure, the bags were right by the door, but I've been inattentive before. It happens. But knowing my stepmother did this drives me mad in ways I can't describe.

My relationship with my stepmother has always been bad. She was emotionally abusive towards me and my little sister when we were young. I could write a book about the damage she caused, but there's one particular part of the abuse that's relevant here.

Early in her relationship with my father, she put on some weight. When she started making efforts to lose it, she decided the entire family needed to do so as well. She told me (then a preteen and only slightly overweight) and my sister (this started when she was 5) that we were obese, forced us both into increasingly restrictive diets and tried to monitor what we ate at our mom's place.

We were too young to understand what was actually going on, so my mom didn't realize how abusive the situation was until years later. From that moment on, our contact with our father (who joined in on the restrictions most of the time) and stepmother was mostly limited.

We both managed to reconcile with our father, but the damage had been done. To this day, I have a complicated relationship with food. Years later, my stepmother was diagnosed with BPD. She's still in therapy and has apologized, but I never forgave her and I never will. I'm cordial with her, but only for my father's sake.

She's tried to make comments about my daughter's weight before, but me and my husband (and sometimes my father) always shut her down. Every time my stepmother buys her clothes, they are at least two sizes too big (we always exchange them). My daughter is actually small for her age, which only makes this more ridiculous.

Looking at the clothes she tried to steal from my kids almost made me weep. Every single piece was either brand new or just fit them perfectly. Some of their favorite clothes were there. There's an astronaut onesie my daughter got for her birthday, literally two weeks ago, that she's obsessed with. Four of her favorite dresses, some of her costumes, her ballet uniforms (?!) and a few shirts she also loves were almost gone forever as well. She stole less from my son, but still took many of his favorites as well.

I'm cutting contact with my stepmother. My husband agrees with me. I don't care how much therapy she's done or how much she seems to have improved, I don't want her anywhere near my family ever again. This was the last straw, I refuse to let her damage my children the way she damaged me.

But I don't know how to talk to my father about this. We've both put a lot of effort into our relationship, and I don't want to lose whatever we still have.

Relevant Comments:

"Change the key pad code before you do anything else!"

Already did. We do so very often, but this just made us change it quicker.

On whether OOP's stepmother chose the kids' favorites on purpose:

The only thing I have to add here is that I don't think she knew they were my kids' favorites. In my daughter's case, I think she was just looking for whatever said 6 or 5 on the tags. My daughter was a preemie and is still a little small for her age, but my stepmother refuses to accept that clothes these sizes can fit her.

I also don't think she was as invested in stealing from my son, given that she took a much smaller amount of his closet. A pattern I did notice in his clothes is that she mostly took graphic shirts. There is one particular shirt (with the clown from the movie "It" on it) that I remember hearing her complain about in the past.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: OOP made identical posts on JustNoMIL. The following comments were retrieved from that post.)

"Wow. I’m surprised and confused. What she did was completely wrong but I don’t understand what made her think it was ok? Do you understand that, OP? Sorry you have to deal with someone like that."

My best guess is that she thought I wouldn't notice until it was too late (I have no idea how).

This isn't the first time she's pulled this kind of stunt. I remember once, when I was a kid, we went on a road trip to a nearby town. She removed mine and my sister's bags from the trunk, and we didn't notice it until we got there. I clearly remembered putting them there, but she insisted we'd forgotten them at home. When she confessed, 10 years later, she said she'd done it to "teach us a lesson", but doesn't remember what that lesson was.

- June 4, 2024 (10 days later)

I spoke to my father a few days ago to inform him that my family would be cutting ties with his wife.

There's not much to say about the conversation itself, but we did have a small fight about it. From his perspective, I think it was more of an "I'm upset" fight than a "I think I'm right" fight, so it wasn't too hard to get him on my side.

I had written a draft of what I'd wanted to say, but I only used half of it. I focused on the facts first, as that's usually what works with my father: his wife raided my children's closets without permission and stole clothes they still wore and treasured. I also sent him a picture of the bags I'd left by the door, which proves she couldn't have walked into my apartment without seeing them.

Another topic I brought up was the way his wife abused me during my youth, and how I'd seen traces of that behavior towards my daughter.

Over the years, my stepmother has apologized for how she'd treated me more than once. I never bought it. She would say those things, but never change anything about how she acted. No amount of therapy, education (I don't think I mentioned this, but she's a psychologist) or conversations will ever be enough. Even if she somehow did change, she will always be the person who made me spend my entire youth hating everything about myself.

The only reason I remained civil towards her was because my dad loves her (for whatever reason). I was fine with her seeing my kids because it usually happened in environments I could control, but I never left her alone with them. Whenever she offered to babysit, I made it very clear that would never happen. I'd rather drive halfway across the city to leave them with my MIL than allow my stepmother to tell my daughter she's fat.

I sent pictures of the clothes she'd tried to steal to my father. He recognized many of them as pieces my kids had worn weeks prior, as well as ones he'd bought for them. The ballet uniform stood out (I still have no idea why she stole that one), as he'd paid for it and insisted it wasn't cheap. I also included pictures of the tags: while the ones on my son's clothes seemed mostly random, my daughter's read either 5 or 6. That is her size, but my stepmother has always refused to accept that.

Once I'd told my father all of the above, he agreed that there was no way she'd stolen those clothes by accident, and it was best for me and my family to distance ourselves from her. I can tell he's hurt by this, but it's not me he's upset at. Even if it was, he knows my kids are my priority, and he can't change my mind on this.

I allowed him to tell his wife. She's trying to contact me, but I've been ignoring her calls and texts. Before the week is over, I'll decide whether to block her or just keep her on mute.

My children aren't dumb. They will notice her absence. But I don't think they'll care much, as they were never close with her. She tried to play a "grandma" role with them (mostly just trying to push them to call her that), but it never worked.

It's great to know my kids won't miss her. My husband and I are trying for a third (and last); and I'm glad they'll never even meet her.

I'm still very upset. As much as I've always known she would never change, stealing from my children was something I could have never imagined she'd do. But I am much better than I was last week, which is enough for now.

Thank you for all your love and advice.

Relevant Comments (EDITOR'S NOTE: the following were retrieved from OOP's JustNoMIL update):

"Glad you aren't answering her messages."

I'm not even reading them. She could text me the meaning of life and I wouldn't know.

"Your father is a champ."

Not at all. I love him, but he screwed up a lot in my life. As evident as it is that he has changed and wants to put effort into our relationship, talking to him about these things is still difficult. This could have been a much bigger fight. I'm really glad he took my side.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

focuses on world news and politics, and is the result of a subreddit switch with (very NSFW) .

A French women's basketball player recently held a press conference to condemn France's policy of banning french athletes who wear a hijab from competing for France at the upcoming Summer Olympics. Reddit, of course, has lots of opinions.

It's extremely live, so let's get into the drama. (in order of top rated, too!)

I saw a thread about feminists demanding gender segregation in gyms. It was because they didnt feel safe. Which is the same logic that hijab wearing Saudi Women use. "Im safer when men are not near me." Yeah, these feminists need to take a trip to Saudi Arabia. The religious fundamentalist and feminists are pushing in the same direction and I really don't understand anything anymore.

Skill issue unfortunately. Feminists typically advocate for women's autonomy and right to choose how they live their lives. In many countries (not including Saudi Arabia, incidentally, as of 2018), hijab is mandatory. Women there do not have the right to choose how to live their lives. The hijab ban impacts on women's right to choose how to live their lives, because some women like to wear it voluntarily. It only appears that 'feminists and fundamentalists are pushing in the same direction' if you think that the former want to mandate hijab, which they don't.

Dude don’t use logic, then you can’t shit on feminists and blame them for your own misogyny./s

In another spawning from the same comment thread:

It's not a counter argument, you're proving his point.

Yes, feminists CAN hand out hijabs while fighting against wearing them, because they're fighting for the freedom of choice.

France is taking away the freedom of choice in regards to the hijab.

Saudi Arabia or Iran give no freedom of choice in regards to the hijab.

It shows that islamists and feminists sometimes push into the same direction, because Sarsour is an islamist.

That... isn't a counter argument at all, Sarsour is not demanding that all women wear the hijab. For that matter she isn't even an Islamist, she's a liberal secularist.

Time to bring up BDSM! It's like Godwin's law, but for Kink.

[An Islamist] is Someone who advocates for Sharia law. [Sarsour] even praised the Saudis.

That's a very interesting dichotomy.

She's 100% a feminist and an advocate for human rights but at the same time she does say "that sharia does not impose on non-Muslims and that Muslims must also follow civil laws."

I'd argue that it's still well within the realm of freedom of choice - I wouldn't mind a neighbour adhering to the sharia law, as long as they didn't try to enforce that law upon me.

Does sharia impose some extreme restrictions on the freedom of a person following it? Yeah... But so do some forms of BDSM and yet nobody's trying to ban those or claims that "people who are into BDSM are fundamentally anti-feminist", right?

That is quite a weird comparison. Sharia law is inherently misogynistic, as is islam itself.

The most perverse thing about this whole affair is the timing. While women in Iran were desperately fighting for the right to take it off the feminists in the west are wearing them proudly and barely anyone even dared to talk about the Iran situation. It was disgusting and still is.

That’s the big difference, if million of women were forced to do BDSM stuff on a daily basis it would be disgusting from you to talk about how it is a symbol of freedom to be a sub.

^{It's symbol of my freedom to be a sub, I say, listening to Charli XCX's "brat"}

But wait... what even is «le secularisme»? Could it be that cultural differences are making this discussion more fractious?

As usual.

I think the issue is anglophones don't understand this or appreciate it.

Anglo secularism is government takes no position/is not religious and people are free to preach & practice their religion.

French secularism is religion is like your genitiles, keep it to your self and don't show it off.

Quebec got in trouble and called racist when they banned government employees from wearing religious symbols. People decried it as xenophobic against muslims, when a large amount of jews also had to hide their religoous symbols, and christian cops did too.

English media will have a cow over it, and the French speakers will keep doing what they do best, being stubbornly French.

God I love the Québécois and French.

They earned their right to be smug a long time ago. It's how secular countries should work.

Or... is France properly secular?

it's pretty selective people get away with wearing crosses all the time.

Some history seems called for.

Doesn't change the fact I've seen kids in French schools with crosses on their necks. It's far easier to be a Christian under French secularism than a musulim same reason why a lot of policies are considered racist without ever being directly racist just treating everyone the same ignoring that not everyone has the same opportunities.

Oh, and whats this, a redditor coming in with the steel chair against personal choice!

People chose whether or not to follow specific parts of their religion all the time.

read my comment again.

slowly this time.

i believe in you.

It makes no sense. Religion is an optional thing you can subscribe to. Government rules/regulations are not optional.

Is it optional for children? Many are brought up in religion, through no choice of their own, then become adults. Most hijabis can't simply take off their hijabs, even if they want to, because of the familial and social consequences. I don't think it's a real choice.

And what if a grown woman wants to wear a hijab, but is forced to take it off because of social and judicial consequences? Is that a choice? Is being punished by your government better or worse than being shunned by your family?

Could it be that personel choices are always constrained to varying degrees by the cultures we are raised in, and, perhaps, that is what it means to have culture?

Womens rights are now not the right to wear what I want?

Are we ignoring that many women are forced or coerced to wear that?

And how does banning them from sports help? Do you think the people forcing it on them just go "oh, well, I was going to make her wear the hijab, but then I realised she'd miss out on a basketball tournament! Guess I don't care any more."

It's awful that any woman is forced to wear the hijab. But banning it simply makes women doing it voluntarily have to choose between sports and their religion/culture, and makes sure that those forced into it are further isolated.

They are not banned from sport. The hijab is. Here we're talking about athletes for the French national team, so if your religious beliefs are more important than the honor of representing your country in an international competition, then you're a terrible fit to be said representative of one of the countrirs that takes secularism seriously and earned the right to.

The laws apply to everyone and we're not going to make exceptions for Muslims. If respecting the law leads one to give up on their passion or ambitions, it only proved the point that the hijab is a symbol of women submission and those values aren't welcomed in France.

There are also plenty of social services to reach out if wanting to integrate themselves in a secular society ostracizes or even hurts Muslim women.

Not saying living as a Muslim is easy but at some point, Britain with its inclusive multiculturalism is right there or any other Muslim majority country where all those concerns don't apply. 🤷

Hey, did that last little italicized bit seem victim-blaming to you? Or is that accusation itself problematic? What about muslim immigrants, we can't forget about how much crime they do!

In Vienna we have a problem with adolescent muslim men that patrol the city and attack known muslim girls that don't wear the hijab or rat her out to her family.

So while I appreciate that the women you know have a choice, it needs to be acknowledged that this is not the reality for all women, even in the western world.

Isn't that victim blaming? Surely the men patroling about should be addressed first?

Absolutely, I agree with you on that. I just brought it up to solidify my point, being that a lot of women don't have said choice because the hijab is forced on them.

Reading comprehension check: Will there be young gangs of men patrolling the basktball court at the Summer Olympics to enforce the wearing of a hijab?

And last but not least: a [Removed by Reddit] comment that seems to be advocating... assualting someone? Or comparing (someone else?) to Nazi's?

I've actually rarely found assaulting oppressed people to be a viable path towards liberation.

[deleted]

Mate the person you're talking to is saying billions of people worldwide are analogous to nazis, I'm not sure tugging at the heartstrings will do much.

This whole "Some men are forcing women to wear hijabs, so we ban all hijabs" is a veil thin excuse anyhow. Since when do right-wingers go out of their way to protect women? The point IS to make muslim women feel anxious and unwelcome, same as muslim men.

The drama still seems live: so I used np links so all y'all pissers would have to hold it in.

ETA: Flair Canidates:

| | | |

CONTEXT: A shitposting sub for self-described femcels, a appears on that seems to be mocking incels for their garish behavior and treatment of women. Or is it? One user points out that its actually mocking transmen and thus doesn't belong on the subreddit at all. Of course, such a controversial topic is never without drama.

Should transmen content appear on a women's sub?

idk what that is but I don't think I like it

its more trans stuff. because apparently we're not going to stop until every sub meant for women is filled with only trans content

if only women could be trans 😪

what? im not saying trans women shouldn't be here. thats not even up to me. im saying pooner art is off-topic

i read the comment you explained it in. You kinda worded the original one fking terribly lol

i post on the sub this came from regularly and i guess i take it personally when people breach containment and make us all look bad. i just despise so much being associated in any way with trans people invading womens spaces. most of us arent like that, i swear. idk. im just tired. this has been a draining experience

Major 'pick me' energy coming from you rn. None of us are "invading" spaces lmao.

sure. im a pickme and a transphobe and whatever else you like. i dont have the energy for this anymore. just leave me alone

And one user takes offense at the other's comment

who are "you people"?

guess.

... trans women?

youtube video response

uhh, people who want posts to be on topic, then?

this is one of the many man hating posts on this sub. how is it off topic?

because pooners are charicatures of trans men that have feminine traits which are meant to be inherently bad. they are literally making fun of women. this has nothing to do with femcels at all, unless its calling trans men femcels which is terrible. this is literally just a 4tran4 post reposted here for reasons i cant fathom. i love 4t4, but its a separate sub. i dont go to looking for pictures of dogs.

this is a post making fun of misogynistic men. just because the man in question is trans doesn’t mean it’s off topic. i would understand if your issue was with the caricature instead, but your issue seems to be with the fact that the post has anything to do w trans people at all. especially bc you imply trans men are women in your second sentence. if you can’t figure out the answer then that’s too bad.

And more responses to their "trans women?" comment

i really dont understand whats happening

we're talking about you

it seems like people for some reason really think that misogynistic, transphobic memes made by men for men are on-topic in femcelgrippysockjail of all places and i cant fathom why.

I don't see how it's misogynistic if the image is clearly depicting the guy as being in the wrong. And it's not really transphobic, I don't see how it would be, it is a real thing that some trans men might be misogynistic because they think it makes them more manly, and this is a sub that hates misogyny, it's perfectly on topic

Finally, a transman weighs in on the image

hanging out in a space meant only for women? giga malebrained dood, ygmi!

Sis, it's a public subreddit on a public social media website. I used to be considered 'a girl', I still deal with similar problems as women, and more simply put I just enjoy a variety of memes on my Reddit timeline/home from a variety of different communities. It has nothing to do with 'hanging out in the space' - I simply happen to follow the sub and occasionally get posts from it, and comment on them. Regardless, insulting people of a minority like this just isn't cool. We're all struggling, and many of us are seriously dealing with problems that images like this only work to dehumanize, mock and exploit. I understand there are some really scummy trans people out there but they are not the majority and most of us just want to fucking exist without feeling like subhuman trash. Guess that's too much to ask for though

Why do ftms love associating themseleves with women every chance they get, yeah we get it, you don't pass so cissoid moids still catcall you.

I'm speaking on a biological level. I pass as a man considering I have a full beard, flat chest, deep voice, and bodily hair thicker than most cis men. It has to do with inherent, deep-seated biology. It's nothing deeper than that - you can't change chromosomes, and those are things that do affect us and our perception of our own selves versus the world around us. Kindly consider being less aggressive and not jumping to conclusions based off of your own bigotry and biases.

I hope you enjoyed another round of drama from a very unique subreddit. Of course, there is some more spicy comments inside the OT. And some flair to go with it are "hanging out in a space meant for women? giga malebrained dood", "Why don’t femcels date each other", "if only women could be trans 😪", and "yeah we get it, you don't pass so moids still catcall you".

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for introducing my boyfriend's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" to my son?

Originally posted to

  Nov 27, 2022

This last Thursday I (29 F) went over to my boyfriend "Jay's" (25 M) house for thanksgiving and brought my son (4) with me. I and Jay have been together for a year and a half now, and he is the most amazing man in the world. He's been amazing with my son (his bio father is not in his life) and I can genuinely see him as "the one". Jay's parents came over as well. It's not that I don't get along with them, it's just I have only ever seen them 3 times before this thanksgiving. I have not had any time to really bond with them I guess. They had never met my son in person either, but they both knew about him.

By the time I arrived Jay's parents were already there and helping him finish up dinner. We greeted each other and Jay's dad asked "And who's this little guy." I introduced them to my son and then introduced Jay's parents as "Grandma and Grandpa" to my precious boy. I didn't notice at the time, but all three of them became quiet almost immediately. I ended up waiting in the living room alone for almost half an hour before dinner and things just were incredibly awkward for the rest of the night. My son did end up calling his parents by grandpa and grandma and I quickly noticed both of them would be very disingenuous and awkward about it over dinner but they did not say anything to me about it. They didn't stick around for long after either but when they left both were very cold to me.

I asked Jay what was their deal and he lost it at me. He claims I put him in an incredibly awkward position. His parents apparently didn't think we were "That serious" yet and began to question him if I was only using him as a "replacement daddy." He said that it was way out of line to introduce them that way without even talking to him beforehand. I think it's ridiculous. If one day he's going to be my son's stepdad then why go through this formal nonsense? He claimed that's "Not the point" and we ended up fighting till I stormed out.

We have not talked since and I have simply been waiting for an apology. I talked with my sister about it last night and she said she was mortified to hear this. Saying she also didn't geat the read that we were all that serious and she never felt like Jay intended to take on a "Dad" role. This has got me questioning if I was wrong.

edit:

Ok,  I messed up.

I genuinely thought Jay would be ok with this. Jay has always treated my son so well, I guess I misread treating him kindly as being ok with being his father figure. I'm pretty sure I ruined this for myself, but most importantly I hurt my son through all this.

Edit 2:  I called Jay and apologized. We're going to be taking a break. I'm going to look into making sure I didn't scar my kid with this.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheAshenDemon4

YTA

You basically made the decision that Jay and his family are now your son’s family all on your own, with no discussion beforehand, and THAT is why everyone is upset. While I’m sure no one is AGAINST the idea outright, the “formal nonsense” is a very necessary step when it comes to merging families. And to be honest, you probably need to have a serious discussion with Jay about where this is heading sooner rather than later if both his parents and your sister did not think you two were that serious. What if he does not actually see himself as a father to your child, or does not see the relationship that seriously either? THIS is why we need the “formal nonsense”, and talking it through with everyone involved.

OOP

I and Jay have never really sat down and talked about this I guess. He's always been so amazing with my son though, that I just kind of assumed he was going to take on that role once we got engaged. My sister though says that Jay's never given off that vibe to her. I plan to have that conversation with him immediately.

~

TheLovelyMadamToh

Wow wow WOW YTA. How EXTREMELY awkward.

Also, did you think for half a second how devastated your son will be WHEN you guys break up and "grandma and grandpa" are no longer in his life...how utterly confusing for him.

You didn't think about anyone but yourself and your childish fantasy. YTA big-time.

You created an unnecessary core memory for your poor son. He'll likely never forget the moment he was introduced to people you called his "grandparents", and will develop feelings of rejection and abandonment all because of YOUR selfishness.

And even though I'm a woman, if I were your boyfriend I WOULD break up with you over this. There was a line and you just trah-la-la skipped over that line.

OOP

I know now in retrospect how bad it looks. But I genuinely thought that Jay was fine with it. My son sees him as basically his father figure even though we don't live together yet. Jay has been nothing but an angel to my son as well, so I guess I misread the entire situation.

I feel panicky now. Because I know I messed up badly. I probably ruined my relationship with his parents and from what my sister told me, I'm guessing Jay may not have seen my son as his own.....

I really don't know how to fix this now....

  Dec 10, 2022

People still seemed interested in my post about introducing my boyfriend Jay's parents to my son as "grandma" and "grandpa." I thought I would update everyone on what happened. Immediately when I realized I was in the wrong, I called Jay and apologized for what happened. He told me he needed some space and wanted to take a break. I ended up calling his mother as well and apologized profusely. His mother forgave me and after I explained my reasoning said she didn't hold it against me. However, in retrospect, I think she was only being nice to me knowing her son was going to end the relationship.

Speaking of, Jay ended the relationship. I decided to take the advice given here about sitting down with jay and getting on the same page about our relationship. I also saw some of the comments here about taking a break = relationship ended, so I called Jay and told him that I wanted to talk sooner rather than later about this. We met yesterday, and while I feel our talk went well, It was really obvious to me that Jay was done with the relationship. He said that, while he always knew that me and my son were a packaged deal, he had not decided at that point if he was truly going to take on the "dad" role for my son. He felt like my interpreting his niceness and acceptance of my son as a fatherly role was a red flag for him overall, especially because we had never talked about it at all. He said that the real problem he had was me deciding that his parents were grandma and grandpa, without even talking to him about it. My original refusal to apologize and expecting him to as well were part of it as well. There are other things he brought up that I feel are beyond this issue anyway, so I'm going to leave them out. Many of the criticisms left on my original post lined up with what he said, so I can really say for certain I messed up big time. I apologized, But I knew there was really no hope of saving this so I didn't push when he said he felt like we should end the relationship.

Overall, my last post made me realize that I really need to work on my own expectations for my partner and how he will fit into my son's life. I also really need to work on my own communication skills.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

**I am not The OOP, OOP is

My 29f boyfriend 29m recently passed away and I have found things that point out that he may have been cheating on me. I don't know what to do, should I investigate further and find out the truth?

Originally posted to

EDITOR'S NOTE: Added paragraphs for easier reading

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a loved one, mention of infidelity

  Apr 3, 2024

So I was with my boyfriend for 3 years we had a beautiful and perfect relationship he was a wonderful man in every way and just a month ago he died tragically and unexpectedly, both his family and I have been devastated and inconsolable for this. We were going to move in together and he was taken from me.

About 2 weeks ago her mother approached me with a box that she found while cleaning his room he would occasionally visit her and he used to stay overnight so his room was kept intact like when he lived permanently there. She had decided to tidy up and clean his room because she was in a better state and she found a box with the initial of my name she didn't open it but could see superficially that they were things like letters some dried roses among other things that she decided not to look at further because thought they were my things or about us so she thought it would be best to give it to me and I could review those things alone. I thanked her but I didn't feel ready to see all these things so I put the box away.

A couple of days ago I went to visit his grave as I got closer I could see a woman there I immediately stopped to see if I could recognize her but it was not a family member or friend she had brought flowers and I could see that she was crying I was afraid to approach since I didn't know who she was and I simply waited at a safe distance she left after a few minutes and didn't even turn to look at me. Well, it seemed obvious to me that I don't know her. That whole night I couldn't sleep thinking about this woman, who is she? Where did she know him from? I knew all his family, friends and people from his work and I didn't recognize her from anywhere

I couldn't be calm or sleep those days because I thought of many possibilities and he was no longer there so I could ask him. I decided to go to his friends and tell them what happened. As soon as I described the woman, they looked at each other nervously and seemed to know who it was but they didn't say anything. I insisted and cried a lot, I told them that I deserved to know if I had the wrong image of my boyfriend.

Finally, they told me that it was his ex and one of them confessed to having informed her about his death and his resting place because he believed that he would have liked it she went to see him I felt like my heart fell to my feet I asked everything I could it turns out that they had studied together since elementary school and my boyfriend had been in love with her since then in high school they started a relationship that lasted approximately 4 years and then they were on and off until just 2 years before we started a relationship he told me that according to what they knew they had cut off all contact 5 years ago but they didn't know for sure if this was true I asked him for his name and his name begins with the same initial as mine so now I don't know what to think I don't know if I should contact her to ask if she was with my boyfriend at the same time as me I know that the first thing I should do is check that damn box and see if there are any of my things or things about her but I can't, I'm so afraid of destroying this image I had of my boyfriend of the man I thought he was.

I don't know what to do I was already devastated to lose him but now I could also lose all the beautiful memories I have of him if I finally found out that he was cheating on me. His friends tell me to leave the issue alone because he is no longer here to defend himself

Tldr: My boyfriend of 3 years passed away, we had a wonderful relationship but now there is a possibility that he was cheating on me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DearDorothy

This seems above reddits pay grade honestly. Have you thought of finding a therapist who has a lot of experience in grief?

It sounds like you haven’t gone into the box so you don’t even know if they were in contact. It’s common to still grieve for your ex, even if you were no contact. It’s also common to retain mementos from past relationships, especially young ones. My highschool partner died a couple years ago and even though I’ve been 0 contact for years I still went through some grieving.

Did he give you anything to be suspicious of when he was alive?

OOP

Well, there was an incident when I found him an Instagram account that I didn't know about but he told me it was one he had created to upload photographs of his work, so I didn't question it anymore. Other than that as I mentioned he was a wonderful man, but recent events are making my mind imagine many scenarios I can't control it.

  June 6, 2024

For some context, this is my previous

Hi, it's been a little while since I was here totally paranoid about something absurd to be honest when I made the post I expected a different reaction like people saying "open the box go and confront the ex-girlfriend!" I was looking for support because I knew it was crazy. I'm very happy to have found such kind people who cared about me without knowing me.

After posting I really knew I wasn't okay and I had to take care of my mental health the first thing I did was call my mom and tell her I needed help because I was going downhill she came in less than an hour that whole night I cried in her arms afterwards she helped me find out about a psychologist and we also found a thanatologist, we were able to schedule an appointment a few days later so far I had a few sessions I won't lie and say I'm fine now because I still feel like life sucks for taking it away from me and sometimes I feel like I'm floating disconnected of the world or I forget that he is no longer here and my first instinct is to look for him or call him if something happens to me, it is being difficult but at least I already asked for help and I am receiving it. So I'm in a better place now but there's still a long way to go and I know I have to do it without him.

Regarding the box I thought about returning it to his mom but I really thought it was most likely about his ex  (it was) and I didn't want his mom to feel bad for giving me something that wasn't mine I decided to give it to his friend and for him to get her into the right hands, he has truly been a rock for me even though he is also grieving because he lost his best friend (they were friends since high school and studied the same in college).

The general reason for this update is that a few days ago I spoke with her, I know, I know that everyone was against contacting her but it was not intentional and the truth is, beyond hurting myself, I felt much better afterwards. I ended up seeing her again in the cemetery I approached her at first she just looked at me confused when I told her who I was she just saw me the way everyone sees me lately with pity.

We were silent for what seemed like an eternity and then she started telling me something funny about him when he was a kid she told me a lot of things that I didn't know about him I must say she was very kind and sweet and she is so much like him in personality and maybe it's because they grew up together or because I feel so desperate to find him somewhere but I really felt that they had the same way of speaking and the same sense of humor, even though she was very afraid to talk about their time as a couple it ended me telling me a little about them she told me that for some reason or another they were never able to fit together as a couple even though they loved each other so they decided to walk away before getting hurt.

It turns out that the last time they spoke was 2 years ago when he wrote to congratulate her on her wedding, they didn't talk much beyond wishing each other the best. She told me that she was glad that he had found a person like me and that he had been happy. Also thanked me for the box she said that it contains very valuable things for her. That was all. There was no infidelity and she only confirmed that he was a wonderful person and I was very lucky to have met him. The only thing that made me sad was that even though he was always the best with me, I came to doubt his integrity as a person. Now I just have to continue with the therapy and try hard to learn to live without him. Thank you all.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

StableDiffusion are an open source generative AI text-to-image models released by Stability AI (SAI). StableDiffusion 3 (SD3) had just released. It is a successor to SD1.5 and SDXL models that is supposedly better, as were indicated by devs themselves trough twitter posts earlier.

Of course it was well known that model SAI planned to release would not be as good as the one they give behind their API, but no one suspected it would literally generate cronenberg-like creatures instead of humans:

One dev behind the model responds to the pushback on twitter. Redditors don't take it well:

Please don't take this the wrong way, guys

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Thanks to for the rec!

Mood Spoiler: Happy ending

Original : May 25, 2024

My ex, Harold, and I were together for about 5 years. We got together at the age of 17 and broke up around 22. It was not a great break up. He cheated on me for years, and got incredibly toxic and cruel towards the end. I have not talked to him even once since we separated and have no idea what he's doing with his life.

My current boyfriend, Johnny, and I have been together for 8 months, but we were friends in middle school. We saw each other at a restaurant, barely remembered each other, and have been together since.

Look, I've gone through so many email accounts in my life. Right now I have three email accounts that are in frequent use. I can't imagine the amount of email accounts I've made that are still active but no longer in use. I needed to get into a very very old email account (made in 2011) that I retired about 3 years ago for a specific document in the Google drive.

I have a Pixel phone. So when I add a gmail account to my phone, it adds everything. Contacts, photos, calendar items, etc.

I found out about this because there was suddenly a calendar item that 16 year old me made. It was "BE MARRIED", basically, I missed my own wedding, lol. So Johnny and I thought it would be funny to look through the old email to find random shit I left in there. We found some really cute pictures of us as kids that I thought were lost, and some other cute things. But while looking at the photos, an old dick pic of Harold from when we were together was there.

If I had known this would be there, I would have NEVER shown Johnny until all the crap was deleted. Not only because nobody wants to see that shit, but also for Harold's privacy. It was a low effort dick pic that I probably honestly didn't even mean to save, but because Google photos backs up everything, it just got lost there.

Harold's dick is "bigger" than Johnny's. I don't care though. And that's not just me saying that. I don't care.

Johnny and I had a short conversation about the insecurity of his size. I confirmed that sex is amazing with him. I am always satisfied, I am happy, I do not think of Harold. I don't care about him. I am more than satisfied.

One thing that I really really liked about Johnny was that he never started an awkward "so... My dick is small" kind of conversation. He never mentioned it, just had sex and did a phenomenal job from the beginning. I never mentioned it either, because it literally is not something I think about, ever. He was always so confident in himself, willing to learn, humble, etc. both in and out of the bedroom.

Anyway, after our conversation, I really thought he was okay. But sex has been less frequent, he initiated less, and he has started turning the lights off before taking his clothes off. I've tried being more "enthusiastic" and initiating more. But it's not really changed anything. He's always brought up problems when they arise, I've never really had to worry about if we're okay, because we've always been proactive about communication. I think this is a bigger problem and he's too... Worried? Embarrassed? Scared? to bring it up to me.

I'm really heartbroken for him. I don't know how to have a conversation with him about this. I'm here looking for some pointers on how to start this conversation and make him feel better about our sex life or himself, even. What would you say? Or what would you want to hear? I will have a conversation with him about this soon, I just want to start it the right way. Thanks in advance.

Relevant Comments:

Downvoted commenter thinks it's weird OOP has so many email accounts:

Lol, it is weird that I have that many email accounts, I definitely agree. The 3 that I have now have been the same for a couple years now. But I used to have a bunch as a teen for a bunch of different things. I'm weird about keeping stuff separate.

Commenter: This subreddit is called “relationship advice” so here’s some advice: it’s worth the time to delete pictures of your exes so you don’t hurt the feelings of someone you care about down the road. Regardless of the amount of “email accounts” you have, if you had truly let your Ex go, there wouldn’t be any pictures or anything to worry about.

OOP (downvoted): Uh. The account was sunset before my ex and I even broke up. I did not know the picture was there. All pictures I knew of have long since been deleted. This is an honest mistake. This was also not the advice I was looking for.

Commenter (downvoted, but there were several like this): The amount of people who do this and pretend it was an accident is off the charts. 99% chance it wasn't really an accident and that you wanted to make him jealous.

OOP: I've been intentionally not responding to comments because there's no point in arguing with people online but this one really got to me, so congrats.

Update : June 4, 2024 (10 days later)

So, after my previous post, I gave it a couple days to really think about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Johnny and I actually had sex one more time between the post and the conversation and he seemed just as insecure. So, I sat him down and told him I wanted to talk to him about something. Instead of saying, "Hey are you insecure about your dick?" I told him that I noticed he as acting a bit different during sex and wanted to know if there was something he wanted to talk about or if there was anything I could change to make him feel more comfortable.

He was quiet for a long time and then finally said that he was worried that I was unhappy with our sex life. He said that he knows I'm more "kinky" in bed than he is, but never thought it was a big deal (it's not). After seeing the nude from my ex, he started to really think about our sex life, and about why I might have stayed with my ex, Harold, as long as I did. He knows about all the crap I had to endure with Harold, but something I never talked about was my sex life with him.

Johnny said that he was worried that I was with him because he treats me well, not that I have any desire for him. And that he would never measure up to Harold in bed, and so he got insecure. He felt like the only reason I stayed with Harold so long was because of the "good" sex.

I was so surprised, y'all. It took me a long time to come up with the right thing to say. I asked him if I ever made him feel like he wasn't desired. He said no, but that I compliment him so much and so often that I could just be "playing it up". I do constantly compliment him. If he's gone for the night (like a work trip or a separate vacation), I'll ask for selfies and then gush over them. I call him beautiful, cutie, handsome, gorgeous, etc. in casual conversations. But I definitely don't play it up. I am genuinely obsessed with him. I asked if I ever made him feel inadequate or un-sexy in bed or if there was anything in our current sex life he wanted to change. Again, resounding no.

I told him that I did not stay with Harold for the sex. In fact, the sex was downright deplorable after finding out about his infidelity, but I felt obligated in order to keep him faithful. I explain that I was with Harold for so long out of fear and the sunk cost fallacy.

I told Johnny that yeah, I am with him because he treats me well. He is so good to me and makes me feel like I don't deserve him most days. Our sex is amazing. I am more than satisfied whether some of my fantasies are fulfilled or not, and I don't want to change anything about our sex life on my end. Part of the reason our sex is so great is because I trust him, I love him, and I'm confident around him. I told him that I never once compared the two, except to marvel at how I truly believed I could never find anything better.

He asked some follow up questions about our sex life, his dick size in particular, and I answered them all honestly. I also had some questions to make sure we were all good. It was a nice, well rounded conversation and we both discovered some things that we probably would have never found out otherwise.

We've had sex since then, and let me tell y'all, mind blowing. We've not been able to keep our hands off each other in the last 6 days.

I didn't know whether or not to post this update, but honestly, some of the advice I got was down right terrible. "Send him nudes daily", "Fake orgasms more often", "Don't say anything and let him get over it". And some of the crap that was said really scared me, too. "It's over", "No man can ever get over that", "You clearly did this on purpose and he knows it". Don't get me wrong, I did get some good advice, and had some good conversations, too.

So, I'm posting this update to tell anyone in the future that has this problem. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't push it. Open the floor for them to tell YOU what's wrong, don't just make assumptions. Listen to understand, not just to respond. I did not handle this perfectly, and I did have some things to work through and change, because I'm not perfect. Be prepared for criticism. It was not my fault he saw that stupid picture. But it's not his fault that he started to overthink, either. This is a case of a lack of communication and insecurity on both sides.

TD;LR we're happy, the issue is solved, Reddit advice is not always applicable to real life issues, and I'm gonna go show my man just how happy I am

OOP's only comment:

Of course everything is deleted. It was deleted immediately after realizing it was there. I honestly thought this would have been a given. My fault for not clarifying. Yes, all pictures have been 100% deleted.

NOTE: I am NOT OOP. That would be , who originally posted this to . Credit goes to for suggesting this BORU.

Trigger warnings: possible mental illness, talk of divorce

(June 1, 2024)

A few weeks ago, my second son was born. He was somehow born on the exact day my 1-year old was born. I thought this was just a neat coincidence, and joked about how much money we would save on birthday parties.

My wife however is taking it a lot more seriously. She’s set on the idea of raising our two boys as twins. She’s always wanted twins and she said the fact that they were born on the same day is a sign from God.

She says if they were raised as the same age they would be able to go to school together, having each others backs and believes that they would be closer as twins rather than siblings.

I told her I’d rather not psychologically torture my son for the rest of his life, but she’s adamant that we will tell him when he grows up and it’s only so he can be closer to his brother now.

I also brought up that they clearly do not look the same age, and she says by the time they’re 1 and 2, no one will be able to tell the difference.

Does she have any sort of point?

(June 6, 2024)

TLDR at the bottom.

The kids are safe and are with me. My wife for the time being has gone to her family house. A lot has happened in the past few days that has me questioning my entire relationship with her.

Firstly I want to make some things clear from my previous post.

She planned for my 1-year-old to delay joining kindergarten by a year. So there wouldn’t be a “behind” child, but rather one who’s at an average level and one who’s slightly advanced for his age.

People have pointed out that for this to work, all of our friends and family would have to be in on it. Her family completely supports her, and also believes this to be a gift from God.

My family on the other hand live states away. We’ve just recently moved here so the only friends we know are my wife’s childhood friends from when she used to live here.

My wife has had episodes before. When we had my first son, there would be days when I’d come back home from work with the baby crying in hunger bc my wife couldn’t get out of bed. We’ve been to therapy and even moved closer to her family so she could have some support.

But this goes beyond any previous episodes.

I told her that I wouldn’t put up with it. This only works if everyone is on it, and I made it clear I’d never be in on it. She can dress them up in matching outfits, and even call them Irish twins, but if she ever implies it’s anything more than that I’d shut it down.

This did not go over well. She yelled at me for denying her of her God-given blessing. That she would divorce me and raise the kids on her own if she had to.

That scared me, and I told her she had to leave. Now. She wanted to take the kids with her but I refused. I might’ve overreacted but I was thinking about the safety of the kids first and foremost.

That was last night. I’ve been taking care of the kids and have been contemplating what to do next.

I understand my wife isn’t in the proper mental state currently. I’ve brought up going to the doctors and therapy multiple times. But how do you convince someone that they need help when their entire family and friends support their delusions?

I can’t keep the kids away from her forever. Her family and friends are blowing up my phone. Where do I go from here?

TLDR: My wife is insistent on raising them as twins. Her friends and family are all willing to support her, and she’s threatened to divorce me to raise the kids this way.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Content Warning : attempted grooming

1 update - Medium

- 24th May 2024

- 9th June 2024

My husband is now a RSO and I HATE that he’s tanked my life with his

My (25F) husband (31M)and I have been together 5 years, married for 2 and from the outside we have the perfect life. We have the house, the yard, good jobs with benefits, 2 lovely pets and a supportive circle of friends. We share the same hobbies, and goals and I swore this was the man I wanted to spent the rest of my life with.

Recently he (after disappearing for 2 days) shows up and tells me he got arrested for trying to meet up with a minor but it turned out to be a sting and suddenly everything went wrong. I all but lost my mind worrying for him and then he destroys my world with this revelation. The trial went on for a whole year and has culminated in that now he has to register for life as a SO.

Throughout it all, he has been withholding information from me and all the information I’ve found out has been through searching his computer and police reports and piecing things together myself. He has been begging for forgiveness non-stop and his family is also trying to get me to forgive him, (my family has been supporting me as best they can from my home country) but they want to pretend that he’s not going to have to permanently register with another state if we were to move, can’t be left unattended with a minor, and this shame will hang over our heads forever. I can only be grateful that we live in CA, so there wasn’t a public notification to our neighbours but I’m absolutely mortified to go outside anymore.

Unfortunately for me, I’m an immigrant and therefore a green card holder and so my ability to stay in the country is tied to him. I love my life here, my job, my friends, I feel as if I’ve made a real home here. I also resent him for destroying the life we’ve built as we were discussing children and now I can’t fathom the thought of having children with him.

I worked through all my emotions and am ready for a divorce, and I really want to be able to build a life here for myself but as it stands, it’s very unlikely and so I’ve been beating myself up that all this work I’ve put into making this a home for us has been destroyed and I’ve basically spent the last few nights mourning. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends here and I honestly don’t know what to do. Im thinking about quitting my job (can’t work outside of the CA) and just packing up as he can no longer sponsor me once my card expires and I’ll be living here illegally.

(Sorry for grammar and punctuation mistakes, I’m on my phone)

Edit: thank you all, for all the kind words and support. I never could’ve expect such an outpouring of kindness and advice. I’ve made an appt with an immigration attorney and I’ve made notes of all the important points and questions shared here. I hope to come back with good news, I will keep my hopes tempered but I’m buoyed by all of these comments.

Edit 2: idk how to feel that I’m at the top of the hot posts lol. I think this is the first time this week that I’m crying happy tears. I’m flattered and I’m so grateful for all of the well wishes and I feel so seen and validated, which is something Ive struggled with during this process. Again, thank you all for taking the time to read what was a moment of indescribable despair and overwhelming sadness and turning this into a story of hope. Thank you.

Comments

Mavsma

Find an immigration lawyer and see if there is a path for you aside from him that lets you keep your status. In a way you are also a victim of him and hopefully there are protections for you.

OOP: I’ve been calling around and got an appointment for next week. Fingers crossed.

MizzyvonMuffling

Might've changed but I used to have a Green Card and if you are married longer than 2 years you might be able to keep the Green Card. By the time this is all through the courts, you might be okay. But best to check with an immigration lawyer. Maybe your "circumstances" will help you. Best of luck to you and please, divorce this piece of sh*. You deserve much better.*

cupcakevelociraptor

OP yes! This comment is right. If you have conditional resident status it is 2 years, permanent green card it doesn’t matter—divorce won’t impact that status. Regardless, lawyer up! They will help you navigate this. You are not stuck with this nasty ass man. You can free yourself from this.

OOP: Thank you! I’ll ask the lawyer when I meet them. I really want to hope, I really do but I’m so scared.

Update - 16 days later

I thought it would be fair to provide a mini update as I think I have a better plan than before.

1st post TLDR; my husband tried to meet up with a minor l, got caught in a sting operation and is now a tier 3 RSO and I am an immigrant who had begun building my life with who I thought was the love of my life, but have to pick up the pieces as best I can.

I’d like to thank you all for the well wishes and support but also use this time to clarify and ensure that I have no support for his actions and decisions. There were some comments concerned that I was only thinking about me and not the children but to accurately and wholly capture all of the thoughts and feelings that were going through my mind would require a book at that point, and this post started as a rant/vent on how unfair a situation that should not have involved me took center stage and I become a casualty.

For the record, I think what he did was absolutely monstrous and disgusting and if there was someway for him to spend his life in jail, I’d happily support it. Unfortunately for all of us, he was able to waive jail time.

I met with the immigration lawyer for a consultation and, like many of you said, he reiterated that his actions should not affect my ability to apply for my 10 year GC (I have a 2 year.) The call was very short and the lawyer let me know that the hurdle was passed and if I chose to divorce him or not, I would still be fine. Unfortunately, I can only apply 3 months before this GC expires which would be at the end of October. He then quoted his fees to me which, whew, I have some saving to do. I’m still reaching out/ searching for cheaper avenues to see if I can be represented but it seems like this’ll be a waiting/saving game which tbh, I’m not sure I can do.

Obviously I’d love to be able to divorce him immediately but I’m still trying to set up a consult with a divorce/family lawyer here to ensure I know all my rights and avenues. Said partner has also forbade me from notifying my neighbours (with children!) as he is attempting to file an appeal and supposedly, his info will be taken down off the site if there is an ongoing case. His parents have maintained their stance and have not spoken to me since the deliberation which was hurtful but my tears have dried up.

Needless to say, I’ve moved into the guest room and have ensured that all my documents are together and safe. I want to ensure I have my GC before I serve the divorce papers but I also want to ensure that I have somewhere to go (savings for an apartment) if he chooses to kick me out immediately (his name is on the mortgage not mine) and he makes 3x what I do. His dad has made it very clear he 100000% supports his son and said something to the effect of “ your pain is real but your options are not.

So work it out or go on a plane” which was the most sobering message and honestly a catalyst into wanting out ASAP. I was told that notifying my friends and neighbours was “stupid” and I “overestimated their need to know/care”. To have this life altering situation boiled down to a binary definitely showed me that they really never cared about how I felt during this and is a sure sign that this is normal for them, in a sense. He has been treating me as if I committed the crime and his poor son was just an innocent bystander which makes me wonder what has been said, but at this point, I don’t care anymore.

His son has taken the opposite stance and is Soo apologetic and regretful and he has now “ realized what he had in this relationship and if he were to lose me, he wouldn’t know what to do etc etc” and it’s so funny how much someone can change right before your eyes. I loved this man with every atom, every fiber of my being and now I’m disgusted every time he so much as looks in my direction. I do not speak to him unless necessary and it’s almost as if we don’t even live together. A girl can dream, right?

I’m not sure if this qualifies as a true update but unlike the first post I have some hope. I hope I will be able to fully remove myself from this situation and rebuild what has been a beautiful life outside of this. I want to save for the lawyer, an apartment and also plan to make therapy a regular thing to deal with all the undue stress/trauma/insomnia this has caused me and will (unless I’m threatened with legal action which I don’t think they can do) let my friends/neighbours know in secret to allow them to decide for themselves. I am less afraid of losing my friends as I know I would have liked the knowledge to make the choice if I were in their shoes.

Thank you for reading. I hope to have a happier, more positive update later.

Edit: I had written the title based on memory and expounded on what RSO meant, sorry about the lack of continuity.

Comments

Dragon_Bidness

He needs you and the kids to pull off a "family man" act to get away with being a pedophile. You're being used.

OOP: We don’t have kids, thank God, and I have no intention of being used. But I appreciate the perspective

Mystepchildsucksass

You cannot be “forbidden” to do anything, as if you’re a petulant 6yo.

OP, time to play “the game” you’re stuck for now — make the best use of this time knowing what your long game plan is.

If your partner is running around apologizing and begging you to stay ?

Tell him you need him to foot the bill for your therapy. And then use that $$$ for your legal fees. That being threatened by your IL’s has given you anxiety. Maybe even lie a little and tell him some neighbour you’ve never met before approached you about what he’s done.

Tell him you WANT to stay but between his parents and the neighbours ??? You’re just gonna need to be able to go talk to someone privately to deal with it all.

I’m not a lawyer… but, IIRC ? Depending on where you are ?

Legal aid isn’t available to the applicant (OP) for civic/civil cases where you’re taking someone to court “the respondent” (OP’s partner) you only my get legal aid if you’ve been TAKEN to court - you’re entitled to a defence…. That’s when a lawyer is provided to you- to answer the court filing(s).

I’d find a local women’s shelter in your area and contact them for free (legal) guidance & resources.

I’d also be making an entire duplicate set of documents and store them “off site” from your home (maybe in your desk at work ? With a trusted friend ?)

Sending you good vibes and a big hug.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

No sussy i’m a minor just say kill or sum ok…. Ok..?

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Thanks to for the rec

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Also, this sub has a 7 day waiting period, meaning the latest update is 7 days old. It is not newer than that.

Trigger Warnings: child abuse; child neglect; a child is held against her will

Mood Spoiler: OOP is ok but the whole situation is sad

Original : May 29, 2024

I am a 14 year old f struggling with a home issue and need help, my mom 35 f has recently been asking me to babysit her kids 7 m, 10 m, and 6 f, more often ever since summer hit. Her and her husband 40 m work during the day, and needed me, i had no problem babysitting. I live with my grandparents but my mom has full custody of me, i have my mom pick me up when she needs me out at her house to babysit keep in mind I do babysit for FREE 4 out of the 7 days of the week somtimes more than that depending on how busy they are.

It been months and I have been slowly getting more tired and not wanting to babysit anymore, it's become draining with the kids never listening too me and always picking a fight. I do admit I have an attitude when I get Frustrated and stressed out but that's normal for girls my age. My Parents have been bad with not taking me back home to my grandparents, keeping me there for Literal days watching the kids, with no spare clothes or any of my soaps for a shower, i am really picky when it comes to that kinda stuff so i dont use theirs unless i feel like i need too. At first when they would make me spend the night they would say "we are going to be home to late to drop you off" or make other Excuses I thought nothing of it and just spent the night, now they don't tell me anything until I start asking to go home Which they always reply with "when I feel like it" or "in a minute" it always end up with them not taking me home at all. This is where My attitude kicks in. I start telling them that they need to take me home, they don't like it when I "tell them instead of asking" but at this point I don't care. When I ask they rarely bring me home. It pisses me off alot. I have been in multiple argument with my parents telling them that they need to start bring me home or I will no longer babysit. .

Every once in a while after like 2 days of Continuous babysitting of 3 kids my my parents will hand me a 20 dollar bill, I am thankful for that but they only started to do it because I have made threats of quiting. Like I said this is VERY draining mentality

Tonight I got in another fight with my parents about the whole situation. I was mad at her for saying that she was going to take me home but then 2 hours later of asking she still hasn't took me home. I was already not in a good mood due to something that happened this morning so I already upset after 2 hours of waiting for her I went in the room to ask her when we were leaving once again she told me in a minute and I had enough I said to her that she had to take me home and that I'm not spending the night anymore and that I was no longer going to babysit for her. Both my parents got mad at me for saying that they then said that they were not going to bring me home now because they did not like that I was telling them what to do. They then went on to say that Living with my grandparents was a privilege And I need to appreciate it, She Then said that she can make me live out with her. My mom has a 3 bedroom house Occupying, her, her husband, 3 kids, and a roommate, plus 2 dogs. Her house is packed with all 3 kids crammed In a small bedroom.

This argument was over text and I still haven't responded to her last message, I have no idea what to do as they wont take me home and I cant walk to my grandparents. Please if you have and thoughts or suggestions

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Can your grandparents pick you up or call you an Uber?

OOP: Unfortunately I am still here its to late to call anyone I'll have to talk to my parents in the morning to bring me home

Staying with her dad:

My dad is not a option for housing as he is a deadbeat, also he dose not pay child support..
Thank you for commenting as I have to talk to my parents tomorrow and this will help me❤️

Commenter: That’s a tough situation. What do your grandparents say about the situation? Will they support you if you tell them you don’t want to babysit anymore? What other options do you parents have for childcare (not your responsibility, just curious)

OOP: My grandparents don't really know abt this.. they just know I'm gone alot "visiting" them. I'm pretty sure if I talk to them about not babysitting anymore they will have like mixed feeling about it. My Parents have my older brother but he doesn't like kids (he is 17) so they don't ask him, and they don't trust anyone else to babysit. So it just leaves me

Update 1: June 2, 2024 (3 days later)

From my last post I still haven't been taken home..they said i would be taken home today and then left and did not come back until almost 2:00am , I stayed up waiting for them only to get into another argument but this time with just my step dad. My step dad is a manchild. I ignored him when he came inside because I was upset and didn't want to end up crying he got mad and took my phone then threw it at my leg and said that I can stay here because of my "attitude".. So looks like I will not be going home anytime soon. I will probably keep you guys updated but I'm very upset right now and can't give a proper update so I apologize..

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Are you ok OP? Your stepfather just threw a small brick at you. This suddenly turned a lot more serious.

OOP: I'm okay thank you for asking.

Commenter: Please next time they leave you alone with the kids call the cops for abandonment. Are there Ubers where you live?

OOP: No Ubers but I definitely won't be babysitting again

Commenter: Call the cops to report the assault, and say you feel unsafe there. You need to be removed from that house.

OOP: (downvoted) I can't risk anything happening to my siblings so I won't be doing that but ty for the suggestion

Commenter: Why did you come for advice if you won't take it? CPS is who you should be contacting, not a Reddit thread....

Please reconsider, and stay safe.

OOP: There are other things to do then cps. I'm not calling them because I DONT want to. My grandparents are picking me up and they are going to talk to my parents. I am taking advice from people just not the advice with cps.

9 hours later in Comments:

"My grandma is picking me up this afternoon. I'll talk with my grandparents and we will talk abt the Situation. If it gets worse then we will get police or someone higher up nvolved"

Update 3: June 2, 2024 (11 hours from previous post)

Update! my grandparents picked me up and got into a argument with my parents so it's safe to say that they are siding with me.. they are letting me rest for a bit rn but tomorrow they are inviting my parents over to dinner to talk about this problem. I told them about me no longer babysitting and my grandma agreed with me and said it was my choice but idk about my grandpa as he didn't say anything but I'm home now!!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Please call CPS. We're all saying this and you know why.

OOP: Ik, but I'm afraid of cps and I don't want my family to get separated or anything plus if my mom finds out that I called cps, she will probably not talk to me. I love my mom too much. Idc about my step dad but my mom is everything to me. We have had trouble with cps before and I don't want to go through it again.

Update 4: June 6, 2024 (4 days later, 8 from OG post)

Sorry I forgot to update you guys.. I had dinner with my parents and they made a agreement with my grandparents that it's best if I stay here (with my grandparents) my parents also slipped me 70 bucks. Idk of they thought that I would be happy with the money and forget about what happened but Me and my mom are fine and talking but my step dad is ignoring me not that I care though. My grandparents have apologized to me for not handling this sooner as they didn't know that they were keeping me there against my will. So far everything is going good so thank you guys

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Where is your bio dad in all of this? Also wondering why you’re with your grandparents in the first place if your mother has full custody?

OOP: Well my bio dad is out of my life as I want nothing to do with him because of issues we have and I went to my grandparents because my mom and step dad spilt up and we moved in with my grandparents but after a while they got back together and my step dad moved into a smaller home so when my mom moved back in she left me and my brother with our grandparents because are school was down the road and his new house was in a different town she didn't want us to switch schools. Plus there was no room