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TW: references to gun violence

May 22nd, 2024

I honestly don’t even know where to start, I apologize if the timeline is difficult to follow. 

My (30F) husband (30M) is currently a nurse. Two years ago, my husband, let’s call him Wayne, enrolled in a one year, accelerated nursing program at a university in our city. This was a super intense program that basically shoved four years of nursing school into one year. (The program is designed for people who already have an undergrad degree and have completed pre-reqs for the program) Wayne quit his job so he could focus all of his energy on the nursing program and pass the NCLEX. I was fully supportive of this and basically told him whatever he needed to do to study and feel prepared, I was game. I think it is important to mention that Wayne and I have been together for 15 years now, we are high school sweethearts. 

During the first week of his program, Wayne met two other students and became friends with them. I will call them Bonnie (27F) and Gail (28F). The three of them became fast friends and quickly made a habit of studying together every single day for almost a year. They would take turns going to each other’s houses for study sessions. The majority of the time the three would be at our house because it was somewhat in the middle between their houses and the university. Since I worked during the day, they could study all day if they wanted. 

I also really liked Bonnie and Gail. Eventually, we all became friends and Bonnie’s boyfriend, Dan (27M), and Gail’s girlfriend, Tanis (28F) would come over for dinners. Before anyone asks, I had absolutely no issue with Wayne befriending women or spending time with them. Wayne and I are best friends and have a very secure relationship. I trust him completely. Not to mention, Bonnie and Gail were also in relationships, so it was no big deal. Eventually, Wayne and Bonnie even helped Gail work through some of her relationship drama and helped her break up with Tanis. The get-togethers became smaller after that, because Tanis was gone and Dan was working more and couldn’t come.

Fast forward to graduation, Wayne and Bonnie decided that they wanted to work in the Emergency Department and Gail was going to work in a less intense area. Both Wayne and Bonnie got a job at the same ER and their shifts would be similar so they would be co-workers. We all thought this was awesome because that particular ER is in a tough part of town and they see a lot of level one traumas. It’s great that Wayne and Bonnie can “debrief” after shifts and vent to each other. Gail was forced to go on night shift, which was the opposite schedule of Wayne and Bonnie. Over the past year, Wayne and Gail haven’t really spoken. Wayne rationalized that they both got really busy and just lost touch. Bonnie still spoke regularly with Gail.

Around this time, Dan proposed to Bonnie! This was a long time coming and we were all very happy for them. Bonnie said that Wayne and I were definitely invited and it was going to be so much fun! The happy couple eventually told us that the wedding would not be in town, but take place in a state far away. Easily twelve to thirteen hours drive or a flight away. While that would be a lot of money for us, we said that we would do our best to come. Bonnie asked Gail to be a bridesmaid and we were super pumped because it would be like a small reunion! At this time, I found out I was pregnant!! We had been trying for a while and we were so happy. It would work out great because our baby boy would be approximately nine months old at the time of the wedding. Old enough that we could leave him for a day or two with my parents to go to the wedding.

Fast forward to last week. On Tuesday, Bonnie hand delivered Wayne our invitation to their wedding. I was able to request off work and we’ve been slowly saving money to travel for the wedding. On Friday, Bonnie pulled Wayne aside after their shift. Bonnie said that her and Dan had a really bad fight because Bonnie invited Wayne and I to the wedding. Wayne was very confused, why would Dan be upset that we were invited? Bonnie then said:

Since Wayne, Bonnie, and Gail met in nursing school, Gail has been under the delusion that Wayne was in love with her. Apparently, Bonnie and Dan would talk with Gail almost EVERY DAY and tell Gail that there was nothing between her and Wayne. Gail would insist that Wayne was in love with her. Bonnie would tell Gail that she was in the room when such and such happened and there was nothing that happened. As time went on, Gail started to badmouth me to Bonnie and Dan. She would say that I was manipulative and I was mean to Wayne, etc. Gail started saying that she needed to break up with Tanis because Wayne and her were going to be together. Eventually, Gail thought that Wayne was going to leave me to be with her. Bonnie and Dan continued to tell Gail that she was crazy and nothing was happening. When Wayne told them that we were trying for a baby, Gail started a whole other delusion that Wayne and her were going to have kids.

According to Bonnie, during one of our dinners when it was just the four of us, I said something  that Gail then passed on to Dan. This was around the time of a school shooting where an AR-15 was used. For context, I was a teacher in an urban school district for five years. During those five years, I was in five lockdowns, one of which had an armed intruder. While I am not anti-gun, I feel very strongly about school safety and gun restrictions. Dan enjoys guns and owns an AR-15. He is also very passionate about gun safety. Gail told Dan that I said something to the effect of “anyone who owns an AR-15 has those children’s blood on their hands”. I can say with 100% certainty that I never said that. I am sure because that is a super unhinged thing to say and it would never come to my mind to say that. If anything, I would have said that AR-15s shouldn’t be so readily available to citizens and there should be restrictions in place so these tragedies don’t happen.

Regardless, Gail told Dan that I allegedly said this. According to Bonnie, Gail talked to Dan without Bonnie present and she was unaware that this conversation had taken place. Dan was very angry and hurt by what Gail said and chose to internalize his anger towards me. Apparently, Dan decided he no longer wanted to see Wayne and I and lied about his work schedule so as to not attend dinners with us. It was not until a couple months after this, that Bonnie invited Dan to dinner at our house and he said, “why would I spend time with those people after what they said?”. Bonnie was confused and then Dan told her what Gail told him. Bonnie told Dan that those words were never spoken and Gail was lying. By this point, Dan had convinced himself that I had said those things and didn’t believe Gail would lie. 

When they graduated from nursing school and started working, they stopped hanging out as much because of their schedules. Gail took this as Wayne “ghosting” her and “breaking up” with her. Gail continued to bad mouth me and Wayne.

When Dan found out that Bonnie had given us a wedding invitation, he was livid. He felt that Bonnie went behind his back to invite us even though “we hurt him”. 

When Wayne reiterated this to me, I was shocked. We had been completely in the dark about this whole thing FOR TWO YEARS. Bonnie had been acting like nothing was wrong. After almost every shift, Wayne and Bonnie talk on the phone. Not once has she even mentioned anything about this. Gail is still in the wedding party despite this. Dan still hates us. 

Bonnie wants Wayne and I to be at her wedding and says, “she can’t get married without her best friend [Wayne] there”. 

Firstly, Bonnie has lied by omission for two years. Frankly, I don’t trust Bonnie anymore. I am skeptical that we have all of the information and there isn’t something more at play here. 

Secondly, I am offended that Dan would think that I said those things. And I’m shocked he would blindly believe Gail, especially after her delusions about Wayne.

Thirdly, why would I want to go to a wedding where Gail is a bridesmaid? Who is to say she doesn’t start something and cause a scene? Also, why would I want to spend thousands of dollars to travel to a wedding where I am uncomfortable? AND I’m leaving my baby? 

While Wayne is as confused as I am, he still wants to go to the wedding. He has trauma-bonded with Bonnie through work and values her as a friend. While I understand this, I can not get over this. Bonnie is trying to talk to Dan and convince him that we are good people and Gail twisted everything. Honestly, after being left in the dark for two years, I don’t want to have to convince anyone that we’re innocent in this. If anything, we should be getting an apology from all parties. 

Wayne and I are currently still waiting to hear from Bonnie about her “talk” with Dan and Gail. As of right now, 5/21, Gail is still a bridesmaid and Dan still doesn’t want us at the wedding.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? What would you do?

ETA: The term "trauma bond" is what my husband and Bonnie use all the time. That is how they described their relationship since working in the ER together. It is half said as a joke, half in truth.

Wayne also expressed that he did not want to go to the wedding if Gail was there. The main reason being that we don't want to risk there being a scene and potentially ruining Bonnie's wedding.

Bonnie has also mentioned that she is considering removing Gail from the wedding party. But she is afraid to do that because she doesn't want to "trigger" her or cause her to spiral or hurt herself. Gail has also been going through some mental health crises over the past year which contributes to Bonnie being hesitate to ask her to bow out. I am not defending Bonnie or Gail but understand Bonnie's hesitation.

ETA2: I am not currently pregnant. I had my son in January, and he would be approximately nine months old by the time the wedding took place.

UPDATE: Wayne and I sent Bonnie a message stating that if Gail was at the wedding, we would not be attending. Bonnie said, “I totally understand and I would never want you to be uncomfortable ever. I'm so sorry this is happening and I hate that I had to tell you guys. I wish I could have kept It to myself so no one else got hurt. Gail and I are up in the air right now. I don't have a single thought on our friendship. Dan is getting better slightly. He's not as angry. Or I should say his anger has shifted to Gail but he's still frustrated.”

Now we know that she would have never told us. I haven’t talked to Wayne yet to see how he feels about this.

May 24th, 2024

Thank you all for the thoughtful, and blunt responses. I tend to be a very straightforward person, so it is nice to know that random unbiased third parties on the internet also think this situation is ridiculous and childish. I am aware that this whole thing is very “high school”. I couldn’t agree more! I think that is what makes it all the more baffling. I know many of you wanted an update so here ya go:

Since I left off, Wayne and I spoke and thought it was only fair that we reach out to Gail. As many of you pointed out, we have only gotten Bonnie’s side of the story. Gail admitted to having a “crush” on Wayne, but denied everything else. As previously established, Gail is untrustworthy so I take her response with a large grain of salt.

Wayne and I screenshotted the texts and sent them to Bonnie. We made it very clear that we are not keeping anything secret and we assumed that Gail would immediately reach out to Bonnie to let her know we reached out. Bonnie was upset that we talked to Gail and “didn’t know what we hoped to gain” from that. Bonnie went on to say that her “life is exploding” and us wanting more information is valid but it’s not helping her. (Duh.) What made me laugh is that she said she “wished [she] would have had a say in how the interaction was navigated”. Like yeah, same girl. I wish we would have had the option to choose how to respond too…but I digress. 

Bonnie decided to call Wayne. I was at work, so I couldn’t be privy to the conversation. By Wayne answering the call, I am aware that it opens him up to manipulation which I did point out to him after the fact. Long story [already way too] long, Bonnie said that her and Dan are having “issues” separate from this whole ordeal so this situation is adding fuel to the fire. (I know, I know, no shit) Us reaching out to Gail, stirred up additional shit for Bonnie (Duh x2). 

Wayne told Bonnie that he knows that she has a lot going on but that doesn’t negate what she did to us. Essentially telling her that this is a result of her own actions. Bonnie asked Wayne, “Do you want to step back from our friendship?” Wayne said no. (I can feel your disgust, just keep reading)

When Wayne is relaying this to me, I am trying to remain composed and let him finish. This is basically the Cliff notes of what I told him.

• Bonnie knowingly lied to us the entire time we have known her. If she could lie for this long, what else has she lied about? 

• She knew that Gail was unstable, yet thought it was okay for us to continue to be friends and invite her into our home.

• Bonnie and Gail have no respect for me. This is clear because Gail badmouthed me the entire time and wanted to end our marriage. And Bonnie thought it was okay to let Gail continue with these delusions unchecked and continue to be around us. Not to mention that as a medical professional, and a friend, she should have encouraged her to seek help.

• Bonnie knew that Gail had lied to Dan, yet didn’t correct it or bring it to our attention. She was cool with Dan thinking I’m awful and believing a lie.

• Bonnie continued to treat Gail as a friend, and made her a bridesmaid. Further solidifying her indifference to me and my marriage to Wayne.

• Bonnie wanted to invite us to her wedding (against the Groom’s wishes) knowing full well that Gail would be there and this could pose potential problems.

• Why should we go to their wedding? A wedding is celebrating the sanctity of marriage, which Bonnie and Dan clearly don’t give a shit about. Why should we drop money on going to their wedding, to celebrate their marriage, when they clearly don’t give a shit about ours?

• How could you possibly still consider Bonnie a friend knowing all of this information?

I gave Wayne time to process all of this information. Honestly, I didn’t want a response right then and there because I want him to have confidence in his decision knowing all the possible ramifications. Wayne ended up saying that he doesn’t consider Bonnie a friend, and hesitated before because he is so sad and disappointed in Bonnie. I think he had trusted her so much and since all of this goes against her perceived character, it is a lot to process for a logical person. This whole thing is so immature and childish that you want to rationalize everything into something more complicated in hopes that all the dots will connect. Because this is so illogical, Wayne had a tough time seeing this clearly.

I told Wayne that we should tell Bonnie that things are not okay with us, but she needs to sort her shit out and decide where her priorities lie. Wayne was hesitant at first to do this because he didn’t want to trigger Bonnie and make her feel worse. I pointed out that Bonnie used that same train of thought for Gail and look where she is. While we are not telling Bonnie that we are cutting her off, we are simply pausing our argument so she can figure out her relationships. We are willing to talk to her at a later date about considering keeping her as a friend but keeping her at arms length until she can prove she is trustworthy. However, this is all dependent on the decisions she makes about Dan and Gail. We are waiting a couple days before telling Bonnie that this is our plan because we wanted to make sure our emotions were in check to be as civil as possible.

I am sure you are wondering, what about Dan? In short, meh. If he is so fragile about guns and cares so little than to just ask about something so trivial? Whatever. In the best possible outcome, we would still have little to no contact with Dan. As RuPaul says, “What other people say about me is none of my business.” (And not just because it doesn’t come to my attention until two years later…bazinga)

Wayne and I are in a good place. We talked about how he can’t please everyone and his family should come first. While we don’t want to be callous or dismissive of our friends, how events impact our family is the first priority. This is where things currently are. If you want another update, let me know.

Once again, thank you for your responses. It was incredibly validating for me.

Added Comment

After processing, he was able to come to the conclusion that Bonnie is not a friend. I won't lie and say his initial response wasn't deeply hurtful. I told him this but reiterated that he needed to sit with this information and decide how he wanted to move forward. As someone who has lost touch with "friends" that have the emotional maturity of a potato, it can be extremely sad when you accept their absence from your life.

I doubt many people will understand this reference lol But there is a scene in a Bob's Burgers episode where Linda forces Louise to have a slumber party. Hilarity ensues and Tina and Gene end up being "human shields" during a pillow fight.

Tina: "Is this your first time being used as a human shield?"

Gene: "Yeah."

Tina: "This is my third time, you're doing great."

It terms of dealing with petty, dramatic people, this isn't my first rodeo. Unfortunately, Wayne sees life through rose-colored glasses and always sees the absolute best in people. Does this make him naïve at times? Sure. Does this make him a wonderful friend and partner? Absolutely. Is it incredibly frustrating when he needs to overanalyze situations and then eventually come to the same conclusion that you, a cynic, came to hours earlier? Yup.

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1 update - Medium

- 1st June 2024

- 6th June 2024

My wife wants to raise our 1 year old and our newborn as twins.

A few weeks ago, my second son was born. He was somehow born on the exact day my 1-year old was born. I thought this was just a neat coincidence, and joked about how much money we would save on birthday parties.

My wife however is taking it a lot more seriously. She’s set on the idea of raising our two boys as twins. She’s always wanted twins and she said the fact that they were born on the same day is a sign from God.

She says if they were raised as the same age they would be able to go to school together, having each others backs and believes that they would be closer as twins rather than siblings.

I told her I’d rather not psychologically torture my son for the rest of his life, but she’s adamant that we will tell him when he grows up and it’s only so he can be closer to his brother now.

I also brought up that they clearly do not look the same age, and she says by the time they’re 1 and 2, no one will be able to tell the difference.

Does she have any sort of point?

Comments

haralambus98

Sorry but this is ridiculous. Why set yourself up to constantly lie to your kids? One will think he is much more advanced and the other more behind than the other and end up resenting each other and you. Don’t underestimate the importance of honesty has on child development and security.

And another thing…. No one else will keep this lie up. Family and friends will point out the inaccuracy and cause further resentment.

OOP: Brought up this point with her. Her entire family’s on her side, this is what they’ve all been praying for apparently. I don’t know what to do.

milkandsalsa

The difference between a one and a two year old is astronomical. Has your wife met small children before?

jaiheko

And people get mad/wonder why children's ages are referred to by month until they turn 2. The milestones are set for a reason.

Primary_Valuable5607

As the mother of twins, your wife needs meds. The developmental rate for children this young is going to blow her twin fantasy to smithereens, unless she purposely plans to stunt the older kid's developmental progress... I think you need to get your wife some therapy, so she can get over this unrealistic fantasy she has, because she is going to damage your kids.

Lara1327

Hijacking top comment because I was born only 54 weeks after my sister and everyone thought we were twins and I was the slow twin. My parents didn’t do this to me but didn’t correct people either and it seriously messed with my confidence. Don’t let you wife do this to your child.

Update - 5 days later

The kids are safe and are with me. My wife for the time being has gone to her family house. A lot has happened in the past few days that has me questioning my entire relationship with her.

Firstly I want to make some things clear from my previous post.

She planned for my 1-year-old to delay joining kindergarten by a year. So there wouldn’t be a “behind” child, but rather one who’s at an average level and one who’s slightly advanced for his age.

People have pointed out that for this to work, all of our friends and family would have to be in on it. Her family completely supports her, and also believes this to be a gift from God.

My family on the other hand live states away. We’ve just recently moved here so the only friends we know are my wife’s childhood friends from when she used to live here.

My wife has had episodes before. When we had my first son, there would be days when I’d come back home from work with the baby crying in hunger bc my wife couldn’t get out of bed. We’ve been to therapy and even moved closer to her family so she could have some support.

But this goes beyond any previous episodes.

I told her that I wouldn’t put up with it. This only works if everyone is on it, and I made it clear I’d never be in on it. She can dress them up in matching outfits, and even call them Irish twins, but if she ever implies it’s anything more than that I’d shut it down.

This did not go over well. She yelled at me for denying her of her God-given blessing. That she would divorce me and raise the kids on her own if she had to.

That scared me, and I told her she had to leave. Now. She wanted to take the kids with her but I refused. I might’ve overreacted but I was thinking about the safety of the kids first and foremost.

That was last night. I’ve been taking care of the kids and have been contemplating what to do next.

I understand my wife isn’t in the proper mental state currently. I’ve brought up going to the doctors and therapy multiple times. But how do you convince someone that they need help when their entire family and friends support their delusions?

I can’t keep the kids away from her forever. Her family and friends are blowing up my phone. Where do I go from here?

TLDR: My wife is insistent on raising them as twins. Her friends and family are all willing to support her, and she’s threatened to divorce me to raise the kids this way.

Comments

FrannyKay1082

Call an attorney pronto. I would also call a psychologist if you can and try to get help for yourself in how to navigate her delusions and also get records going for yourself, that this is going on and you are seeking help.

But definitely call the attorney. Also, look up recording permission in your state and try to get her on tape because this is something that when you tell them is hard to believe. You know what I mean, if you told me this, I would think no way. Or even get her going on text. She knows that's documentation, and you don't have to tell her she's being recorded. Text and voicemail are two places you don't have to tell them. Some states you don't when recording. Protect those children.

AloneAlternative2693

Inform the midwife/ Gynaecologist/ medical professional who was involved in the birth of the baby. If this is some sort of post partum depression or psychosis, they can asses that and get her more help.

Agitated-Ad3471

Hey, im a psych nurse practitioner. I commented on your last post too. I dont know the full story of course but from what im hearing this is postpartum psychosis with religious preoccupation. You need to go to the magistrates office and tell her she is a harm to others (the kids) they will get a TDO (temporary hold order) and she will be admitted to a psych ward for 72hrs (might be slightly different for where you live) this is your best bet on getting her quick stabilized treatment and then further follow up outpatient

Expression-Little

Is this a cult? If all these people are on the wife's side, even though this is nuts, there's got to be something going on in the background.

OOP: This is a genuine question but what are some warning signs of a cult? I was never religious and my wife always said she was raised religiously but never practiced after she left home. I assumed she had some sort of traumatic experience with religion and that’s why she never brings it up. This was up until the birth of my son, who she fully believed would be twins until the ultrasound. She suddenly became super religious and got back into contact with her family and old friends, even getting us to move states to be with them. She’s always mentioned that her mother wanted her to have twins, which at the time didn’t sound as weird as it does now.

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Yesterday I went to a furry event with my boyfriend and I think now I got the ick, I feel bad for that.

Originally posted to

May 26, 2024

I didn't even know what a furry exactly was before I met him, we were together for literally three whole years until we moved in together, I found one of his furry outfits while I was helping him move his clothes into our apartment.

At first I thought that maybe at some point he had worked in children's shows or selling things in the subway (in my country it is normal to see people in costumes selling things), then I also found a common fox tail and tought it was something kinky but it's not.

He got nervous and confessed to me that he is a furry, I looked at him like 'wtf is a furry?', anyway, he explained to me that years ago he created his 'fursona' and it is a hobbie that makes him feel at ease and happy, he said that he hid it from me because he was embarrassed and scared that I might leave him or laugh at him. He's a serious and professional man, not the kind of person who would dress like that.

I assured him that I wasn't going to leave him and that I love him, that knowing my boyfriend uses a fox suit was the least attractive thing in the world but I support his hobby. I didn't really think much about it, did it seem weird to me? Yes, but at the time I thought I loved him so much that I was going to support him. It's just a hobbie he does rarely so it's not like he talks about that in our day by day, neither is his way of 'Being himself' he said he just likes to do the character and it's not something with a deep meaning.

It's been a year since that, and he's invited me to a furry event for the first time, I've never gotten into furry events (I hadn't seen him wearing his suit either, he wears it very rarely) because it's not my thing at all but he invited me really excited and shy, I couldn't refuse to go with him because I also wanted to go and see what it's like and know that world.

But when we got there it was like "Oh, this is getting real" when I saw him park the car and put on his suit, I didn't have a suit so my face was totally visible when we got out of the car a few streets back and had to walk through the city center like that, I felt embarrassed even if it's awful to say that.

First we met his furry friends who were waiting in a park for him and I found out that my boyfriend has a name that he uses when he's in character. They were nice but no, it's not an everyday thing to see your boyfriend using a pet name, dressed as a fox and talking to other people who are also like that, although some didn't have a suit, just a tail or nothing.

I felt embarrassed because people around obviously walked by and laughed or looked curiously. A few minutes later we finally went to the place of the event and it wasn't THAT many people but a large group, most of them without a suit and just wearing tails or just a mask.

I know it's wrong to say it, but a lot of those people smelled musty, long hair so greasy you could fry an egg on it, just weird people. Years ago I accompanied my sister to an otaku event and it was 95% the same kind of people, like WEIRD in the wrong way, I've never been in that kind of environment. My boyfriend isn't like that at all, he's attractive, SMELLS GOOD, has a normal life and work and I don't think anyone would expect him to be a furry so it was my first time seeing other furries in person beside my him.

At one point some of them started playing at removing each other's tails, some were doing Choreographies and tiktoks, some of them liked to do 'high jumps' in four (not my bf, he was just walking around with me and just letting some people take pictures with him and then did a tiktok with another person)

You know what it's like to see your boyfriend do a choreo dressed as a blue fox while asking you to call him by his furry name and pet his head? I do know it and it was impossible for me not to change the way I see him.

I didn't feel comfortable in the place, it bothered me a lot since there were some using harnesses in their suits, what is sexy about an animal? Some artists' stands had furry art which was pretty explicit (my boyfriend dislikes that kind of art, for him his fursona is a perfomance) so I just felt even more weird because they're animals even if they call that a "fursona", I felt weird and since yesterday every time I see my boyfriend I can't help but think of him being part of those people and him dressed like that.

I really love him but I just feel like I got the ick and I hate that because I always wanted to be the supportive girlfriend but this is just too much. I don't want to talk about this with my boyfriend and make him feel ashamed of who he is and likes, I don't want to make him feel bad about my feelings. He's a great man, really the only time I felt tenderness yesterday was when he hugged me thanking me for support him in this.

I just feel like the worst person in the world and the last thing I want is hurt his heart even if his friends are too weird for me. I just hope I can get over this icky feeling fast but he's really happy and shows me pictures of the event telling me that we should go to another event together and I just can't tell him that the last thing I want to do is go to one of those events again. 🥴

I always supported him, I don't feel manipulated like some people says in the comments, I did wanted to go with him because I tought that maybe it was going to be fun (it wasn't).

Edit: He's not into anything sexual, he told me that his character is a performative thing that he enjoys doing from time to time but doesn't find it exciting or comfortable fetishizing a fursona because at the end of day he's just making a character, then he told me that for him it's like a person getting aroused by being dressed as Mickey for a play, he can't feel like that and finds it weird. We literally live together and share the pc, if he had strange movements I would notice them. He goes to those events very occasionally because he doesn't like the (more) weird side of furry.

I know he's not a pervert and no, my intuition doesn't tell me that he is that, my intuition just tells me that the people at that event smelled funny and that I don't want to set foot in that place again.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

I’m sorry this is happening to you. But I think you know that he belongs with his own kind. It’s time to set that fox free back into the wild where he belongs. You can’t domesticate a lot of them unfortunately no matter how hard you try

OOP

My fox is in captivity for now 😅

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Commenter

Sorry but i can’t stop laughing LOL!!!!!!! Maybe one day you will laugh to, for god sake that’s so funny!!!

OOP

At times everything that happened around me was bizarre and funny, but i couldn't laugh because they all take their characters really seriously and I didn't wanted to be disrespectful

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Commenter

Girly, I think it's time for a sit down conversation. Tell him that you support his hobby but you're not interested in taking part because it makes you personally uncomfortable. Not him, but the other people and the vibe. Hopefully, he understands and you'll get over the weird memory. If the ick sticks though, unfortunately it is what it is and you're not compatible. But if he's as good as you say he is, I think you can probably get past this as long as you're not involved.

OOP

Yes, I think what stops me from doing it is that he told me that his previous girlfriends laughed at his hobby or criticized him because he doesn't looks like the kind of person who's into that, it was very difficult for him to show himself that way with me :/

I never really expected to be in this situation and I don't know how to broach the subject without making him feel bad because he just wants my support

~

Commenter

Doesnt most furry stuff involve sex between them? Isn’t most of the sexual interaction between males? Is he bi? If he failed to disclose his knk to you initially and hid it for three years I think it’s safe to assume there’s more he may be withholding from you. You may be his link to “normal”? To me, it’s like someone not disclosing they have a drug or alcohol habit and hiding it for as long as they can. The chances of a relationship surviving long term when one is an addict and the other isn’t are very slim. Unfortunately, there are so many red flags related to your discovery of his suit that I’d probably suggest you reconsider continuing the relationship. He’s not going to suddenly stop fantasizing about being a furry, is he? He also has been lying to you for three years and is manipulating you while trying to convince you he’s worth your time and distract you from some serious underlying issues he has despite deceiving you for so long. You’re young, naive and sound like a nice person who is honest. You deserve the same IMO. Either that or buy a suit and join in the furry fun🤷‍♂️

OOP

I don't know about that, as far as I know my boyfriend doesn't have a fetish with his suit and doesn't like it that kind of things. He's straight and if he were to sleep with other people behind my back I'd know because it's hard to ignore the fox suit in the closet.

He's just got his character (as weird as it may seem to me) and just goes to these events once a year

May 30, 2024

First of all, I never had any problem with him telling me after three years about this and I said that in the first post, I always understood how afraid someone can feel to say who he is, everyone has their secrets and there's nothing wrong if you're not harming anyone with them and after reading the comments people left on the post I understand the fear that my boyfriend had, some people even told me that he was grooming me... It's just disgusting, like If I couldn't defend myself.

I didn't need to talk to my boyfriend because during the night he sat down to talk to me and apologized, he showed me that one of his friends told him that the organizers of the event changed and that's why there were people with NSFW Stuff. My boyfriend was also uncomfortable with that since the last time he went to that event those types of outfits were forbidden, he showed me pictures and yes, the atmosphere and people looked different. They found out too about it because some people started to complain about that in the ig of the event, it seems that there's public friendly events and other's that aren't like that but the new people in charge of the event just changed a lot of things.

I confessed to him that I didn't feel comfortable either and he was surprised because after all I was smiling all the time and pretending that everything was fine, which is true. We talked a lot and he was very apologetic for how he behaved, said he should have gone without the suit and should have shown me pictures of the place before we went. Honestly, I never showed him discomfort and I was always with a fake smile, so I understand that he thought I was having a good time.

My boyfriend just kept apologizing deeply, he said he didn't really knew how to react since it was the first time he had taken someone so important to an event so he behaved that way, he apologized for not thinking about how I might have felt and I apologized for not communicating my feelings too.

I received literally more than 100 messages and comments telling me that my boyfriend is a pervert, I don't know much about the furry world so I was disturbed when some people started to leave comments talking about things I didn't knew about them. I had never distrusted him before, we share pc and I can use his cell phone whenever I want but I am so stupid that it was difficult for me not to get carried away by more than a hundred people telling me that I am dating a degenerate.

I asked him if he doesn't really feel anything sexual by doing that, he never showed that and from day one he made it clear to me that for him it's just a character (he doesn't even behave like an animal when he's in character, he wanted me to pat his head as a cute gesture).

He was clearly upset that I didn't trust him but he ended up giving me his cell phone so I could check whatever I wanted, it made me feel worse to see that his chat with his furry friends wasn't even too active since they all have busy lifes but they said that I'm really cool and they liked me. The rest of his stuff was just about his work and me. I feel really stupid for letting my head be filled with comments from sad strangers, but my boyfriend told me that he actually understands why I feel that way, it happened to him too. In the past he had a furry girlfriend but she DID have a fetish with that and that made him uncomfortable so he ended the relationship, that's why my boyfriend doesn't date furry women, he says that the vast majority are weird people who ruin the community. He doesn't see his character as 'his true self' and he doesn't identify with those who do, for him it's quite a character, like cosplaying although he doesn't like anime or anything like that so he prefers furry because he can do an original character.

I said I was really sorry for thinking like that about him and told him about the post, he doesn't talk English so I translated him some things except the people who left weird comments. I promised him to have better communication with him about everything.

I never felt manipulated (he never pressured me to do ANYTHING, I wanted to try to be part of his world) and no, I'm not a poor victim who fell into the clutches of a beast, some people is really weird trying to look for a villain in every post.

Someone even said that my boyfriend was love-bombing me with pictures of the event to manipulate me, for god's sake! Stop making up new terms and touch some grass. I just said that my boyfriend showed me pictures of the event because he was happy that I went with him and all of a sudden he's Charles Manson, do these people have loved ones? It's too weird.

I'd rather embrace that eccentric side of him than ruin a cute relationship just because I don't share his hobby. I really like going to RAVES and he doesn't but there's nothing wrong with that, we will have separated hobbies. I want to make a good live with him... Far away from the furries with harnesses and the NSFW art.

And I learned my lesson of never posting again in this kind of places, the last time I checked the post one person got downvoted just because they said that we sound adorable, I guess that's the vibe in this app haha. Thanks to the people who gave me good advices and was kind! Honestly I stopped reading the post after a few comments.

By the private messages I received I know people really wanted an update about me leaving my boyfriend but no, I want too think that actually this made us stronger.

I want to be a better girlfriend for him and gift him clothes for his character.

Pd: I guess the ick was just the shock I had because we had sex as usual, why would i leave a hardworking, kind man who loves me devotedly just because he has a hobby that i can't relate to? The blue fox is still mine and I now I love him even more.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Our story begins in the Wild Wild West of , a snarksub founded and run by the infamous user called SnappinTurluh. As the singular mod of a community of 40k+, Snappin prided himself on having created a space where those critical of Taylor Swift could gather and spew hatred about all aspects of the popstar’s life, career, and fans, while remaining utterly free of censorship.  

The sub began with only three rules, two of which were centered around keeping fans of Taylor Swift out of the community. Anyone who was deemed too positive of her or found to have participated in fan subs was swiftly demeaned and banned from the community, with the wicked laughter of Snappin echoing all through the land.  

Posts degrading Taylor Swift as an individual were often encouraged, praised, and heavily upvoted. Remarks on everything from her rabid fans to her waistline were celebrated with a feverish excitement by all members of the r/travisandtaylor community. The freedom of the sub was relished by users who had long felt there were no safe spaces in which to openly communicate their hatred of a much beloved celebrity.  

Daily updates from Snappin himself often fueled the fires of this hatred, so powerful they may very well have rivaled the carbon emissions of Taylor Swift’s own jet. Every announcement was signed off with a gorilla-roar of STAY MAD, with the users of the sub often rejoicing in turn, usually in the form of a flood of comments praising Snappin as their lord and savior. 

Unfortunately, all good and toxic things must come to an end.  

came under fire during a war with another , and was set upon by moderators of Reddit who gave Snappin (and the sub at large) warnings about the brigading of other subs and harassment of others. 

Snappin was enraged by such action and made several more flagrant posts calling out Taylor Swift and her publicist, Tree, for having targeted the sub and engineering it’s downfall.  

Users rallied behind their head mod, and flooded the sub with posts decrying censorship and promising to contact the news about the injustice they were suffering: 

 

Snappin continued snapping off posts blaming Taylor Swift for trying to silence the community, and called out a Reddit mod for being her crony.  

Shortly after, Snappin, the one and only moderator of the sub, was permanently banned from Reddit. Rudderless, the community drifted aimlessly for a few short hours. Users panicked, and believing that the sub was being shut down entirely, began to speculate on the future of their beloved community: 

 

A series of spin off subreddits was created by well-meaning members seeking to prolong the existence of their community, but there was no need, for from the mist, a new moderator emerged: FeelingLikeFlying. 

FeelingLikeFlying’s first order of business was to add a whole score of new moderators immediately after being put in charge and slap up a brand-new set of rules three times as long as the original list. The highlight of these new rules is that brigading is WRONG, everyone. WRONG. Don’t do that. 

A new day dawned on the war-torn community, but it wasn’t to be a day of peace. Chaos soon ensued when disagreements between the moderators led to several being ousted and banned from the sub with little to no warning. An update denouncing those who had been removed from the sub was posted, and warnings were issued to users who had begun to flock to , a community created as a refuge for users who believed  was not long for this world:

 

Over on , things began to heat up with a slew of posts put up by the banned moderators and users of taylorandtravis: 

 

 

 

In a desperate effort to walk back the potentially community destroying rift that the moderator team had created in the short span of an afternoon, a post with instructions on how to redeem oneself was created: 

 

The desperate olive branch thrust at the unhappy members of a once flourishing community has not yet been embraced by those who were ousted.

And now, we wait, to see how much longer this community can hold out. Will they crumble under the divisive leadership of their new head mod, or will they somehow manage to triumph against both their own mutinous members and the ever-watchful Reddit admins hovering over them? Will the set upon members overthrow who some believe is a tyrannical new head mod, or will they have to learn a level of civility and sacrifice their dreams of a censor-free community in order to keep  alive? 

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 29th April 2022

- 30th April 2022

AITA for not spending Father's day with my son?

I (33M) lost my father at a young age. Ever since then, I spend Father's Day at his grave and visiting places that were important to him. My wife has always been supportive of this, but last year that changed.

Our son, 6 now, 5 then, wanted to attend this Father's Day festival with me. I told him that I already had plans, but he was welcome to join me and learn about his grandfather. Son didn't enjoy the day. He was very bored at the gravesite, and I repeatedly had to direct him away from other graves. The long car rides were also a lot for him. I decided that this type of experience shouldn't be repeated again for him until he is older.

Tickets for this year's festival just went on sale, and this morning my wife gave me two tickets, an adult and child, for me and my son. I reminded her that I had plans. She got mad and told me my dad would be disappointed in me for neglecting his grandson (I don't neglect my son).

I got really irritated with my wife. I told her this one day is all I ever ask for and am not giving it up. She called me an AH and said if I don't take son to the festival she will and will tell everyone there she's present because her husband is a deadbeat dad. I think she's out of line. Am I in the wrong?

Comments

The_Shadow_Of_Yor

Think of it this way. If your father was alive. Would you want to spend Father’s Day at a festival with him, or at your grandfathers grave? Your father is gone. But your son’s father is not. Appreciate what time you have with your son because you do not know how long you have with him. NAH

OOP: This hit me more than any other comment. Yeah, I would really have liked to have gone to this festival with my dad. It hadn't started yet back then, but if it had, he would have taken me. Thank you for asking this question. It definitely shifted my perspective.

The_Shadow_Of_Yor

I’m glad I could help, I’m not sure if you’ve seen the other comment, but why not visit him on his birthday? Everyone wins then. You get to see your father and your son gets to go to the festival with you.

OOP: This is going to sound odd, but my dad didn't celebrate his birthday. My mom told me he didn't like talking about his birthday (although he always made a big deal out of hers and mine) so neither of us know why he didn't like it. Maybe he was planning on telling me one day, but I'll never know. However, I do have a couple of alternatives I'm considering.

Regardless, I've decided to take him. The overwhelming YTA verdict is pretty convincing. I guess grief blinded me. I do still think what my wife said was out of line and that needs to be a conversation, but my son is an innocent, and he deserves good memories.

miyuki_m

You were deprived of far too many Father's Day celebrations with your dad and now, you're depriving your son of them too.

Your grief is understandable and it sounds like you've established a tradition that brings you some measure of comfort. However, it's time to start focusing on the relationship in front of you rather than the one that's in the past. When your son is old enough, perhaps you can reestablish the tradition or, as others have suggested, go to the cemetery on your dad's birthday instead. YTA but gently. Good luck!

**Judgement - NAH**

Update - 1 day later

Edit: Initially, my plan was to get an unbiased perspective. I figured since almost everyone agreed that I was TA, it really was important to go to this festival. However, the flood of vitriol that followed gave me pause. There's really no such thing as an unbiased perspective. Everyone has an agenda. The caustic comments prove that.

A polite person asked if I would have wanted to go to such a festival with my Dad. That hit me, because of course I would. I would want to do almost anything with my dad, who I miss. Kids love festivals, so of course I would have enjoyed this as a kid. However, my dad never spoiled me, and I'm not going to teach my son that the world revolves around him either. There are plenty of festivals and carnivals we attend throughout the year. That can't be every day. This is Dad's day, his only day, and I'm not going to take it from him. I talked to my Mom about what happened, and she told me that I wouldn't reward son for having a tantrum but am rewarding wife, and she's right.

On June nineteenth, I'm going to take my son to my hometown. He'll spend the morning with my Mom while I visit the grave. Then, I'll take him to lunch at my Dad's favorite restaurant. We'll go swimming nearby the place Dad used to take me fishing. I'll take him to get ice cream. It'll be a nice day, and it will be a day that honors my dad. My wife can go to the festival if she wants, but son will not be attending.

I know many of you were excited that I'd decided to take him, but I'm not going to teach my son it's okay to be selfish. I'm going to continue to teach him about Dad so Dad can live on in spirit. I make my son the focus of almost every holiday, but this is Dad's day. That's an important lesson for him to learn. Sometimes it's not about us. Sometimes it's about others.

Comments

MinxyMouse

I figured since almost everyone agreed that I was TA, it really was important to go to this festival.

Oh thank god.

However, the flood of vitriol that followed gave me pause. There's really no such thing as an unbiased perspective.

Oh you f***** jack***.*

He still was set on doing what HE wants to instead of doing what his son wants to. And he has no reason to bring his wife's problems up. What kid has fun in a graveyard anyway? What a selfish prick.

SirLeigh

Gotta love posts like this. He's such an AH that when it's confirmed by hundreds of people he doubles down on his decision out of spite.

Imagine being completely in control of a narrative that is presented to complete strangers and you still accuse people of being biased. This guy sucks.

Glad he loves his Dad, because this kind of attitude isn't going to have his son fawning over his grave in the future.

Florarochafragoso

“Im going to teach my son not to be selfish” by being extremely selfish and disregarding his feelings. What a terrible dad

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

I know that my husband is cheating on me with my best friend but if I left, he will take half.

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation

: April 3, 2024

I am a 40 year old mother of a baby girl who is 5. I have been married to my husband for 12 years. About 10 years ago I started my business and it is my pride and joy. I love my life and I enjoy my work.

2 years ago I lost my beautiful mother to breast cancer. It all happened in 5 weeks and she was so young. 55 years old. It sent me into shock and depression.

A short while before that my best friend found out that her husband cheated and he left her for his mistress. It was a hard time and my best friend and I became even closer than ever before. She moved in with me for a while after my mother passed because I wasn’t really functioning and she was homeless.

I started with antidepressants that killed my sexual needs. I felt guilty for my husband but I really couldn’t do anything but try to be healthy again as soon as possible. My best friend lived with us for 1 years and they started sleeping together towards the end of that year. That’s when I got home early and heard them. I ran out in shock. I came back a few hours later pretending nothing happened.

I managed to smoothly find her a place because I couldn’t bear it happening in my home. My sanctuary. My happy place where I live with my daughter. My best friend had already found herself a job and I took the opportunity to find her the apartment near her job. She was grateful. I was a bit more relieved.

The affair is still going on. If I leave he will take half. It will ruin me and my business and what I am trying to build for me and my baby. No I don’t want to leave. It is so unfair that he is the one cheating and I am the one who will pay if I said anything. I refuse, so I am letting it happen.

Instead I wrote him off as my companion and safety blanket. I still have lots to be grateful for. My baby. My family and my beautiful home. And my business. Most of the time, I am content and happy even though I myself don’t know how I am doing it. Maybe it is numbness or resignation or maybe it is true contentment.

But sometimes, when everything is a hundred times magnified I can barely contain my panic. Especially at night when he wakes me up because I am crying. Again. Are you having a nightmare? And he tries to kiss and cuddle me to make me feel safe. I’m here, I’m here. You’re safe. I wish I could tell him that my nightmares are my escape from my reality with him and that his shoulders aren’t safe.

He rarely asks why I am crying, he probably thinks it is mom, because that’s what I tell him, but sometimes I feel like he knows or that he can’t help himself wondering. What’s going on behind those eyes? What do you mean? I can’t read your face anymore…… See you are silent again. When I look at him he immediately looks away like he is scared he would turn into stone and says I miss you that’s all.

My panic has increased more these past few months since he started paying me attention again. The first period after mom’s passing, he never bothered me out of courtesy I suppose. Never asked for intimacy. Then he had her so he didn’t need me. But now? I don’t know what changed. They’re still together so what does he want from me? Is he testing me?

I never understood why they’re doing what they’re doing either. I have seen their texts. There’s no love there, no respect, no warmth. Not what I would expect from two people who are sleeping together, especially not when the stakes are so high. You would think that they love each other so much that they’re willing to pay the price in case they’re caught. No, there’s a lot of anger, fighting and resentment. A lot of guilt and self hatred. He calls himself and her disgusting and shells of a human being. Is that too some sort of love?

I don’t know why I am writing here, I googled about infidelity and self help and I ended up in this community and I read tens of similar stories. Maybe I would feel better writing my own down. Please don’t think too ill of me. I know that I am pathetic but I used to have more dignity.

Additional Information from OOP on speaking with a lawyer regarding her assets

I have already talked to a lawyer. I contacted one 1/2 an hour after I heard them in my bed. I have discussed many options during the months and none gives me full control of my life and company.

One was a postnuptial agreement of course but why would he just sign one? We discussed maybe I confess to him that I know about them, hoping that he would want to do anything to save the marriage including a postnup. But this is leaving too much to chance and to someone who could easily cheat on me but also it doesn’t feel right to lure him into signing then go ahead with divorce anyway. I can’t be this malicious.

My other option is one of my family members buy in, my dad or brother for example like 10%. It would leave me with majority in case of divorce and I could buy him out eventually. But again, I leave much to chance and no control over the outcome.

Mostly I am not looking forward to seeing my husband real face which I believe I will when I ask for divorce. If he did this to me when he pretended to love me then how would he act when he doesn’t need to pretend anymore? Do I want my baby to see her parents at their worst this early?

Not sure. Maybe I am just obsessing as usual.

Relevant Comments

EbbCharming5326: I’m so sorry OP, my heart breaks for you. Is there any way you can legally make plans to do something with your assets, business, etc? While things are amicable I think it’s best to take steps to protect your daughter and the business. I hate to make you think about it but what if he leaves and you have to do this anyways? ***Wouldn’t (edit for spelling) you rather be prepared and ready to take on the new adventure that life takes you? 💗 best wishes, sending love.

OOP: I have talked to an attorney about all ym options and even my best options aren’t good enough right now. My only hope ia that it comes to a point where I could buy him out when we divorce. It won’t happen in a few years

OOP on if her husband is entitled to half of her business

OOP: Actually he didn’t believe in my idea so he didn’t want to help because he was scared that I would lose money. I started with loans and with government “assistance” for young female entrepreneurs with low interest so no he didn’t help with anything. Still, he is entitled to 1/2 after divorce

: May 30, 2024

Hi everyone! I have made a post previous to this a few weeks ago.

Thank you for the support and the many suggestions. If you want the details please read that one first. I promise that I will make this one very short and simple. I have taken two measures to protect myself and my daughter when my husband and I get a divorce to protect my assets and my daughter’s future, I am sure many will find my methods to be dubious and honestly it is fine with me. All’s fair in love and war and this is a bit of both.

I told my father everything. He was horrified but a bit relieved that he finally found out what’s been hurting me. We have discussed the possibility that he could buy into my business in case I need to divide so he and I have the bigger share and still can make the decisions.

Then I have agreed to my husband’s suggestion of seeing a marriage counselor. He talked about my mom’s passing and how it affected me and my mentality. He kept talking about me “building walls” and “being distant” and how he was longing for me to “come back to him”. I just wondered while he talked what he would do if I told him that I knew. Would he still complain about my walls or finally understand them?

I opened up about my mom’s illness and how it affected me. Not only the losing her part but the fact that my grandmother and great grandmother passed the same way. It kept me thinking that I have inherited this and passed it down to my daughter and the guilt and fear that I have been feeling. I chose to have my daughter fully aware of the risks. What was I thinking?

Since the counseling we have been talking more in our day to day and I just honestly told him that my business was one of the stressors in my life. That I am always worried that if I didn’t fix our marital issues, and he wanted to leave me it would change my career and future while his wouldn’t because he is government employee.

This was two weeks ago. The day after, he sat me down and told me that he wanted a postnuptial agreement to make me feel more secure. He wanted me to be with him “because I wanted to not because I had to”. I talked in my first post about my house etc but I really don’t care about that anymore. Everything else can be marital property and honestly I started to hate this house and I can’t wait to leave it.

So next move is starting the separation. I am aiming for the end of this year and then only the hardest part is left. Telling my daughter that mommy and daddy won’t be living together anymore. I am not looking forward for that part.

Relevant Comments

Choice-Intention-926: I’m glad that you reached out to your father for help. It must have been so isolating that the two people you would have gone to for comfort are the two people who were causing you pain. Get the post-nup done asap, so you can move on. Once that’s done you can file for divorce. This isn’t dubious at all or it’s less dubious than the activity he is engaged in.

After your ducks are in a row, you should break it to him in couples counselling that you are divorcing him, and what you saw. When he says sorry, you stand firm that he wasn’t so sorry that he stopped. He wasn’t so sorry that it never started. Not so sorry that at the lowest point in your life he wouldn’t betray you.

You deserve better.

OOP: I will do the best for my mental health and for our daughter. If leaving this behind and not telling him is the best way then I will just leave it be. I will probably know by then what’s best for me

OOP on her relationship with her ex best friend

OOP: My ex best friend and I had a “falling out” a while back because “I don’t talk to her anymore” and because “I have changed” so much. She ended up telling me that I am going to lose everyone that loves me if I stayed that way. Whether they know or suspect something, I don’t know

Well I think this is one of her excuses to herself about why she betrayed me like this. Because I have “changed” and been “pushing away” the people that love me (towards each other apparently) and honestly what else can you tell yourself about your shitty behaviors to be able to sleep the night? Only I didn’t start changing and pushing away people who “love” me before they betrayed me.

OOP was asked if her husband and the friend are together

OOP: They are still having an affair. I have seen that he still gets texts from her at night. Not sure if they still feel like scum, nothing changed really

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Something went on between my (F32) husband (M32) and my sister (F26). What do I do?

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, infidelity, accusations of infidelity, emotional manipulation, possible drug abuse

: May 28, 2024

My heads a mess atm so please excuse me if Im all over the place.

Yesterday morning my husband quickly got a bag ready without me seeing, came to me and told me my sister sucked his dick, and that he thought it would be best if he left for awhile and gave me space.

That was it.

Ive pretty much been left in the dark since. He seemed very stressed and upset. I just stood there a little dumbfounded.

My sister has been going through a very hard time the last few weeks and has spent a lot of time at ours, initially with her partner but around a week ago they started having issues so she just came and unloaded their problems. She came over Sunday night and ended up staying over. But I didnt notice them slipping away together at any time.

So far the only communication Ive had with my husband has been about our child. Ive asked him over and over whats going on and all he tells me is he is still trying to figure it out. What is there to figure out?

I cant believe that just like that everything I know is in tatters. Everything weve built together, everything we have, hes choosen to throw it all away. And to just tell me like that and leave, I’m totally heartbroken. I never in a million years saw this coming. I also thought me and my sister had a stronger relationship aswell, the betrayal from her has me feeling so lost right now.

Ive seen many a horror story on here with infidelity and stupidly now I’m in this situation I have absolutely no idea where I go from here? I know everyone will tell me to leave him, but its more complicated when theres kids/houses/a business involved. And I dont even know whats went on, no one will talk to me. The mental pictures are driving me insane.

Im not ready to talk to friends or family yet so I’m asking reddit, wtf do I do? Restarting life at 32 sounds like a nightmare.

****Edit: Many people suggesting I move money/ restrict accounts. In a pathetic move I text him again to ask whats going on and to please talk to me before I contact lawyers and secure my accounts, thinking this would get a reaction.

He replied simply saying do what I need to do and that he can come back tonight to explain what happened.

Depending on how this goes I may or may not make an update post.

I just dont get why Im getting the runaround.

Relevant Comments

OOP on getting therapy to help sort things and see what her next steps are

OOP: The only thing I know for sure right now is that I’ll be going to therapy. Thank you. I honestly feel like the worlds going on around me and Im just stuck in a bubble watching.

Thank you. I know I will have to at some point. Just now the embarassment is winning.

OOP on the possibility that her husband is cheating on her with her sister

So this has actually been an issue with my family since I started dating him. He comes from a very well off family and does pretty well for himself. My sister has never shown signs of jealousy but with others its definetely been an issue before.

I havent. Hes refusing to talk about it. Sisters just blocking my calls and texts completely.

I dont think he is with her, her partner would have told me.

God I never even thought about std testing. I fucking hate this.

Any activity on her and her husband’s accounts should help OOP determine if anything strange happened

OOP: I have looked at our accounts and nothing has been taken since he left. Will be keeping a close eye though thanks.

OOP on if she knows where her husband or sister are at the point and if she has tried to reach them

OOP: No idea. I thought his parents but hes not there. Assuming shes home. Her partner hasnt been in touch to say if anything odds going on there. She wont answer calls or texts. + No, Ive never had the slightest notion that anything was going on and theyve never said or done a thing that would make me think otherwise. Just last week I saw him and my sisters texts and there was nothing there either, he asked me to check a message from someone so I saw them at the same time. Hes not secretive with his phone whatsoever.

: May 30, 2024

I wasnt going to do this, but I have had, and am still getting lots of comments and messages for an update so here we are.

Ive since spoken to my sister. Husband came home that night aswell. He packed a bag with more stuff and sat down with me and told me what happened. We have rentals and he was staying in one thats currently empty.

A lot of you were right, my sister straight up assulted him.

Ill try and keep this short but I’ll add some extra details I missed on my first post to clear things up.

This all happened on Sunday. She has been going through a lot the past month so this has been a regular thing and the past few weeks things were getting worse with her partner, so lots of venting. She said several times that night she didnt want to go back home. And told us that before she left she also told her partner not to try and contact her because she was going out to get a break from him.

My husband smokes a TON of cannabis and this year started buying the oil I think it is and making his own caping cartridges (illegal country thats why he makes his own) He mixes various strengths for during the day and much stronger ones for the afternoon. The whole night he was on the strong one and passed it around. We were all definetely feeling it so I stopped and they continued well into the night.

I said Im getting ready to call it a night and everyone agreed. I got up to see to the dogs, we have a litter of puppies that weve setup space for in the garage. I was gone maybe 5 minutes. Came back out to my husband on his own. Said my sister was in a bad way with the oil so she went to bed. Thats when we went to bed. He got up in the morning and left.

My husband said this was when it happened. Out of nowhere she grabbed the waist of his trousers, yanked them down and went to town. Went as far as to actually grab his hands as if to stop him going anywhere. It lasted maybe 5 seconds before he managed to get up. He asked her wtf she was doing, she just said sorry and went to bed.

I knew going into this I was probably going to get lied to but fortunetely we have security cameras all around the house and the whole ordeal was on camera. He pulled it up on the ipad and showed me. I didnt actually want to see the act, but he insisted. Hes terrified that even with proof he’s still going to be labeled as if he pursued this. He thinks that I’m going to leave him regardless and that he deserves it. Hes scared he’s lost his family and everything we have.

My sisters partner left his last relationship due to infidelity and my husband is ill over the fact that he feels responsible for it happening again.

My husband is ok but feels totally guilty in all of this and doesnt want the fallout to happen at all, he wishes everyone could just forget it ever happened and go on like normal and Ive told him theres no way thats going to happen.

I finally got to talk to my sister. She hadnt blocked me, just ignored my calls and texts. We text her through my husbands phone and while doing that I noticed she had actually text him a few times since this happened. Literally just a chain of:

"Im so sorry Ive fucked up"

"Im so sorry I dont know what happend"

Still nothing to me.

Anyway, she called we put her on speaker and I asked her what happened, thinking she was going to lie, but she ended up saying the same thing my husband did.

She couldnt give me a reason as to why. She cried the entire phone call. Woe is me, we all hate her now etc. but yeah, no reason, she doesnt know why she done it, it was the biggest mistake of her life.

Apparently she called in sick for work and has just spent the days driving around aimlessly, hoping a freak accident would take her out. I lost it, went completely apeshit on her. My husband kept trying to defuse it which just got me more annoyed.

We had it out because I felt like he was defending her. His argument is that she is obviously not in a great place and he doesnt want anyone in the position that they feel like they need to hurt themselves or worse.

This did not calm me down and Im not proud of it but I did go on to send her several texts telling her exactly what I thought of her.

We also told her to speak to her partner because we plan to tomorrow, and it would be much better coming from her than from us. My husband really does not want to have that conversation with him.

So thats pretty much where were at.

An utter shitshow.

Me and my husband will get through it together Ive made sure he knows Im on his side. Will suggest therapy for him but ultimately its his choice.

I dont see my sisters partner sticking around. Our kids are very close and see each other a lot, Im not really sure what will happen there, but its not fair on the kids losing out on that relationship.

We have a lot to work out.

Thank you for all your comments. A lot of you actually said this is what it sounded like happened so I was sure to be as understanding as I could be.

Wish us luck.

Edit: To expand a bit on the cameras. Yes, in the back of my head I know the cameras are there, but they were there before we moved in and I really dont think about them. Theyre only outside the house. I have no idea how to actually check recorded footage, husband has always dealt with them. And I had no idea when, or where this actually happened.

I have told him he has every right to press charges, but hes adamant he does not want the police or anything involved.

Relevant Comments

Mytuucents8819: It’s sexual assault! If your husband wants to file a police report YOU SHOULD SUPPORT HIM

ALSO LOTS OF THERAPY

AND NO CONTACT WITH YOUR SISTER! She’s disgusting

OOP: I have mentioned to him that it can be taken further but he doesnt want police etc involved.

Commenter:

It is great that you are supporting your husband here, but I want to give you some insight in to assault victims.

They often try and minimize what happened both for themselves (aka it wasn't that bad, I'll be fine) and also because it is embarrassing. So he isn't "defending" her, he is reacting in ways to protect himself. Think about if something happens to you in public, like a friend plays a prank and pours a drink on you. You may try and laugh it off and even in that moment tell yourself "this was supposed to be funny, it's funny!" and then later you process how bad it made you feel. There are lots of situations where people minimize as a way to shake it off/act how they think people want them to act/protect their feelings.

Your husband doesn't WANT to be the victim of an assault, so he is downplaying it. Don't get mad at him for that, just be gentle and remind him that he didn't consent, what she did was terrible, he shouldn't be ashamed, and you are here for him.

You also have to take his lead on therapy, police, and in general in talking about/processing what happened. You have to get your own head straight (not that you don't) that you have visual evidence that he was sexually assaulted and who did it. You say your husband knows you are on his side, but even in your post, that's not really clear? You have gotten annoyed at him, you have said you are telling your sister's partner even though your husband isn't sure...you need to center your husband and not yourself in the next steps.

You are right to be mad, furious, and out for blood. But your husband needs you to be calm, even, and caring. Talk to another very trusted friend about your own feelings and how to process them, because you also need support, but your husband is the victim here, and you need to put him first at every step. Do not tell your sister's partner until your husband is ready, do not push him further than he is ready, and when that is frustrating to you, be calm with him and then go rant to that ONE trusted person so you can get the support you need.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 1st June 2024

- 2nd June 2024

Found a camera pointed into my bathroom window… what the f do I do?

Self explanatory title, and throwaway account for reasons. Copy-pasting from legaladvice just for more thoughts (and added a little more information) Long time follower of THT from my main account.

Yesterday while I was in my shower, I noticed what looked like a trail camera pointed into my bathroom through the small window over the shower. I usually have pretty good situational awareness, so there’s no way it had been there more than a few days. (The more that I think about it, though, I typically shower at night, so I probably wouldn’t have noticed it in the dark).

I freaked out, called a friend to confirm that I wasn’t going crazy and that they saw what I saw, and then called the cops through the non-emergency number.

The detective came by within 20 mins, took a look and said “yep, that’s a trail camera.” He took pictures of it, took it down, and took it for evidence. He said it looked cellular enabled but it didn’t look like it was on, didn’t have an SD card in it, and that maybe the battery had died.

I feel so uncomfortable and unsafe in my own home now. Which is so crazy to me because this is such a safe neighborhood. I’ve already made a trip to the store to get frosted window film and got more security cameras for the outside of my home. I checked the cameras I already had, and of course this area of my yard is just out of view and nothing odd was caught on camera within the last 30 days. Just my kids on the trampoline.

The icing on the cake? The tree it was attached to is in my fenced back yard… and to make it even better (read: worse) I went to install the window film and cleaned the inside of the window. It was extra clear… and I looked closer. There were streaks on the outside of the window where whoever this was cleaned the window… I’ve lived here for a year and a half and can guarantee I’ve never cleaned the outside of my windows.

I’ve been suggested to ask my neighbors if their cameras have picked up anything suspicious… but I worry about causing a stir and messing up an investigation if it was one of them… everyone around me knows that I’m a single mom of 2 young kids. The whole thing feels very targeted and makes me so uncomfortable.

So what the f do I do now?

If they find out who did it do I have any recourse? Can I sue? Restraining order? Shoot, what are the odds the cops even find out who did it?

(Also, can’t just move… I own and in this market would be upside down in my mortgage)

Comments

Neither_Variation768

Also: check your neighborhood sex offender records. It might be the first time he’s done this, but I doubt it.

arianrhodd

Follow up with the cops CONSTANTLY. In person. Unless you're in a one-horse town where nothing ever happens, they will have more "serious" cases (to them). Someone is targeting you or your kids. You want them identified and stopped before they escalate further.

• Did the cops ask you if any neighbors had cameras or if you had any idea who might have targeted you?

  • Do NOT be the nice girl and dismiss people's "weird" behavior. This is the safety of yo and your kids we're talking about. Tell the cops about any strange interactions you've had or that your kids might have mentioned. You know who they are. Trust yourself!

  • If the cops didn't ask you about neighbors who have cameras, tell them.

  • Tell the cops about anyone who did work in your house recently. Even if it's the "regular" service person.

• You can buy door/window sensors that send alerts and/or alarms when the window/door is opened.

• Check all your windows to make sure they lock securely. Including the windows on upper floors.

• Get your own cameras, interior and exterior.

• If they find out who did it, you can help put them in jail.

So, the window is in your fenced backyard. Is it easily visible from the ground? Did it take a ladder or stool to reach unless someone is really tall? Or is it something you'd only really know about from the inside of the house? Is it obvious it is a bathroom window from the outside? Look, unfortunately what I'm getting at is it seems plausible that the person who did it knows the layout of the house. You have babysitters for the kiddos? Do they ever invite guests over while they're there? How long have you lived there? Maybe someone who knew the previous owners?

I do not own a gun. If you choose to, get whatever permits are required where you live, make sure you know how to clean it, maintain it, and practice with it regularly. Including getting it out of the lock box hiding place and loading it. For my own self-defense in home, I keep my ice axe by my bed (used for hiking/mountaineering, it's carbon fiber, I can wield it effectively with one hand and it certainly takes chunks out of ice), and I like small CO2 fire extinguishers. You really should have extinguishers in every room in your home, and because they're a common household item, most people pay them no mind. Spray them in the face then swing it at their head. I also have gel pepper spray, but that's usually for when I'm out and about. You can take the girl out of Detroit, but you can't take the Detroit out of the girl.

You totally don't need to answer the questions. Just giving you some things to think through while you do your safety planning and figure out what next steps you can take for your family's safety. If the kids want a dog and you already have a fenced in yard, heading to the local animal shelter could work in your favor if you can take on that responsibility.

OOP: This is phenomenal advice, thank you.

As a certified people pleaser, I was “nice” when talking to the detective and didn’t dime out any neighbors, but there’s definitely one, maybe two, that teeter the line between neighborly and creepy that I should probably mention. The main one that I’m thinking of has never been inside my house, but he has helped with a bunch of external work when I’ve been outside fixing things or working on the lawn, etc. Nearly all of it he has done without me asking for help, and I’ve never been able to decide if he was doing it because he was just neighborly or if he was doing it because he finds me attractive…but I also don’t want to cause offense if he had nothing to do with it. (I hate myself for that way of thinking). He definitely zeroed in on me the first day I moved in to introduce himself, but there were several neighbors that kind of did that, so I thought maybe that was some small-town type of deal.

The window is visible from the ground, but in order to see in, you’d have to be on a step stool/ladder and be squished in between this tree and my house. It’s a pretty tight squeeze. And of course, it was the ONLY window in my house without blinds/a covering. The detective needed to use my ladder to cut the camera down and he was a pretty tall dude.

Now that I think about it though, my next door neighbor recently replaced the stretch of shared fence. It was him and some buddies that worked on it… I was totally fine with it (saved me several hundred dollars) but that did leave these people with unbridled access to my yard for a bit. My cameras didn’t pick them up walking to where my window is. But also, for some reason, my camera was adjusted out of its normal viewing angle when I pulled it up for the police to look at… like someone had moved it. Could just be a coincidence, but I don’t like it regardless.

I don’t want to feel like a bother to the police and really only gave them like a 2-line statement, but I’ll shoot this guy an email and give him more. He told me to send over any suspicious camera footage if I find any, so I’m sure extra details will be helpful.

Man this sucks.

Update - 1 day later

At the suggestion of many, I emailed the detective and provided the additional details about the neighbors, the people working in the fence, the moved camera, and the wiped outside of the window and anything else I could remember that might help. I also brought up my concerns about the kids being targeted because it is the main bathroom that we all share.

He followed up with me really quickly, thanked me for the info and said it’s really common to be overwhelmed at first and not provide many details. (Not sure if this was only said to make me feel better…) He also let me know that he was working on a search warrant for the SIM card to the camera. He said it could take a couple of days to get it, but I would be notified immediately if there are any pictures of me or the kids, of if there’s any other information he has to give me. He also gave me a few safety tips (similar to those that this subreddit has given) but said to avoid putting anything on the HOA page for now.

Incidentally, shortly after hearing back from the detective, my next door neighbor and the other (overly helpful) neighbor came through the side gate while the kids were splashing around in their blow up pool. I about jumped out of my skin when the gate latch opened. There was no heads up or anything before just coming in. Next door neighbor said “oh shit, sorry didn’t mean to scare you. We knocked on your door and then assumed you guys were back here.” They had an air compressor and a nail gun in tow and said “we just needed to fix a few loose boards from when we fixed the fence… should only take a few seconds.” There really were a couple of boards that weren’t fully attached, and since my next door neighbor had funded the entire shared fence repair, I let them fix it and they left. They were there for all of 5 minutes, tops, and didn’t do a single thing except for fix the fence boards, but still, the timing felt really weird… Could it have been legit? Possibly. Could it have been an excuse to just be in my backyard? Also possibly.

Before I get crucified for poor decisions - the gate now has a padlock.

I looked up the sex offender registry and didn’t find any nearby. My town has an ordinance that prohibits them from residing within a half mile radius of a school or park… (and we have a ton of parks) which essentially leaves a very small pocket several miles away that someone with that kind of record could live.

I did also look up arrest records for my neighbors which was mostly uneventful. One neighbor has a super minor arrest from like 15 years ago. But guess which neighbor has several arrests… to include a handful of DV charges. …If you guessed overly helpful neighbor guy, you’d be right. I didn’t see any convictions, but I’m newer to this state and also don’t know where to look to find them. But the county has arrest records readily available.

Thank you to everyone who talked some sense into me about not worrying about “being a bother” to the police and “not being nice.” My certified people-pleasing ways don’t fit a situation as serious as this.

I’m going to keep a pulse on the detective to make sure that they’re still actively working on the case, and be extra vigilant about our surroundings. My new cameras will be installed in the morning, and I’ve already added a few things to the house to help us feel more safe.

Unless something really crazy happens (which I’m seriously hoping it doesn’t), this will probably be my last update until we find out who did it.

Comments

Adventurous-Fig2226

I hope you updated the detective about all of this. You have a prime suspect and evidence is piling up. At some point, they might even be able to search his house.

Stay strong. You've got this. <3

Deep_Rig_1820

Stay safe and alert.

I'm glad that you informed the detective about the info you remembered, even when you thoughtthey were not significant or important. Because every little detail is important!!!

And tbh, in the first moment people do forget about previous possible important information. Hours later once the adrenaline calms down, you have a lightning bolt of information rushing in. So the detective didn't just say it to make you feel better, he knows this can happen and was hoping you remembered something a little later and would inform him.

You do need to let the detective know about them just walking into the back yard like that.

Big hugs. I hope the detective gets that warrant for the sim card.

lechitahamandcheese

Report both of them entering your yard without your permission. The two of them might be involved in this entire situation and the detective needs to know that because maybe the sim or evidence is also with the other neighbor. I hope you will be safe.

unique-unicorn33

Yes, they’re top suspects. The “I will pay for the entire fence” scenario screams of trying to cover up creepiness with “see what a good guy I am”.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. Original post by (now deleted) in and his profile.

Trigger Warnings Possible abuse and neglect

BORU note: I have included relevant comments from the original thread, these are not essential to understand the situation and can be skipped. However, I recommend that you read everything as it provides wider context.

Start of post 1

- 24 May 2024

Edit: I am a guy

Hi people,

My entire family are vegans, my dad especially is a very “vocal” vegan. He goes to vegan protests, was in vegan groups in our old city, he’s a vegan activist. Which I love, I’m not trying to paint those things as bad I really respect him for his thoughts.

My brother and I have both been raised vegan our entire lives. At school it’s always made me feel “othered” is the best way to explain it. Never able to eat anything sold in the school canteen, at friend’s birthdays never able to eat a piece of cake with my friends, or have to be the one who says “we can’t go to that restaurant they don’t serve any vegan food”. Always having to explain why I’m not allowed to “try a bite” of their sandwich. They aren’t huge things but they are things that make me stick out. Since I’m an awkward guy anyway, it just doesn’t help me socially. So when we moved cities and I joined a new school last Monday I decided that I’m not going to follow the vegan diet while I’m at school. I kept this to myself because I know my parents wouldn’t support it and would be angry.

When at home, or with my parents I will follow the vegan diet but if I’m out with my friends or at school I’m not going to say, in my mind this was respectful of my parents wishes. No meat in the house or around them but my myself is different. My brother and I both go to this new school. Since we don’t share a dinner time I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t going to follow the vegan diet, I didn’t think he would support it and I thought he would tell dad.

Things have been going alright but I didn’t know that on Fridays my brother’s dinner time would be at the same time as mine. I was sitting with some new friend and I was eating a cheese pizza (this is the only non-vegan food I’ve eaten so far. I want to try pepperoni but still feel a little scared) and my brother caught me and asked what I was doing eating pizza.

I tried to play it off but I knew I was screwed, my brother told my parents and now everyone is really upset at me. I’ve been grounded and my dad said he’s going to call my new school and tell them that if they sell me non-vegan food he will put in a discrimination complaint. Which is just going to make me seem like a weirdo now.

I tried to explain to him that I was trying to be respectful by not doing it here, but my parents just gave me a huge lecture about how I’m so selfish for breaking the diet. He said he can’t trust me anymore and now I feel guilty in one half of my brain and in another I’m telling myself it isn’t that big of a deal and they’re overreacting.

But I don’t know if I’m just being blind.

Please, no debates about the ethics of the vegan diet. I don’t care to debate it with anyone I’m sure there are subreddits where people will be happy to. Please focus on my situation when giving your verdict.

END OF POST 1

OP was given the NTA verdict.

Some relevant comments:

Comment thread 1

Commenter 1:

NTA. it’s really unfortunate your brother ratted you out

Commenter 2

On the plus side, it means the OP has a valid explanation next time someone asks if he wants to try something- "Sorry, I can't my brother's a snitch - yeah he snitched on me eating pizza lmao, he's a fucking weirdo right?"

....at least that's what I would like to pretend I would do in this situation.

OOP:

My brother is only 11, while I’m mad at him I don’t want to make his school life hard. I’ll probably just keep it to myself and I’ll remember we have the same dinner time on Fridays.

If I’m even brave enough to eat non-vegan again.

Comment thread 2

Commenter

NTA but you are not in a great position to rebel against your family's choices. The emphasis on a vegan lifestyle is similar to a religious lifestyle and it seems that your father views it that way if he is ranting about discrimination cases.

You are "apostate" and that is going to cause you trouble at home. But you are not wrong to be. Becoming an adult is a time when people challenge beliefs they've been brought up and see if they want to continue them into adult life. And you don't want to be vegan. You are being respectful - you are respecting their beliefs at home. I suppose there is an argument you should be respectful when spending money your father gives you at school if he feels very morally. But that falls down if you have employment and are spending own money.

You are going to have to assume that you are under scrutiny though by your brother and for interests of a good home life, I'd suggest sticking to the vegan diet at school. It is hard to recommend that you sneak around your parents but you are the only one that can decide if the downsides of being "othered" are sufficiently bad to offset that.

Give it three years and you will have freedom to fully make own choices. Pepperoni pizza is good but it can be quite spicey. Also watch out for an upset stomach as it may take you time to acclimatize to meat.

OOP:

I have free school meals, so my dad isn't paying for food at school.

I get what you mean, thank you for your advice

Comment thread 3

Commenter

NTA. Not sure how old you are but you should not at all feel guilty about how strictly or if you even want to be a vegan. I bet your dad ate pepperoni pizza before he game a vegan

OOP

I’m 15, and honestly I doubt it. My grandparents raised my dad vegetarian before they became vegan and he’s super hardcore with it. I can’t imagine he’s ever eaten meat.

my mom probably has, she turned vegan when she met my dad.

Comment thread 4

Commenter 1:

The part about your dad making a discrimination complaint to the school if they sell you animal products is hilarious to me. Since he’s in activist circles, I’d think he would know that’s not discrimination. Your NTA. 

OOP:

I don't know, I think what he's truly saying is he will embarrass me in front of everyone. He's made big fusses about me being vegan before at school and he knows I don't like when he does it. He probably thinks that I'll just agree so he doesn't come in and do his whole act to embarrass me.

Another comment by OP that is relevant

What he's done before is go into the school reception and cause a huge fuss, screaming shouting. He's done this during break time when he knows everyone will be able to see him. That was about there not being enough vegan foods provided by the school canteen. He knows it embarrasses me and I think sometimes he uses it as a weapon against me that he will act like that in public.

It sucks, but I feel less guilty after talking to you people. So thank you.

Commenter 2:

He won't embarrass you, he will embarrass himself. Parents are embarrassing, it's a fact of life. You are old enough to make your own food choices, and you are NTA here at all.

OOP:

The thing is it will embarrass me and I’ll be an outcast again like at my old school

Start of Post 2

- 28 May 2024

Hi people,

I just wanted to get on here and give a brief update to my AITA post. I wanted to say a huge thank you to all the people who messaged me and replied to the post with kind words and encouragement that I didn't actually do anything wrong and I wasn't being blind to the situation.

It's half term where I live at the moment so we're not at school this week, I am hoping that this all blows over by the time of next Monday because I am really worried that my dad is going to embarrass me at my new school by causing a scene. I was going to send an email out to my form tutor describing the situation to them, but I am worried that they will think I'm being stupid.

My parents aren't talking to me at the moment, like fully ignoring my existence when I go and sit with them so I'm just sitting in my room. My dad took all my electronics off me but he doesn't know I have this old android phone and Chromebook from like 8 years ago in my closet drawers.

I haven't been able to speak to my friends since he took my phone, I really hope my dad isn't messaging them about me because last time I was grounded he messaged all my friends off my phone telling them how awful I was. My parents haven't been making me any meals when they cook for everyone but I'm also not meant to use the oven so I've just been eating beans and mycoprotein that I've cooked in the microwave.

Even though you all voted me as NTA, I really regret what I did. My dad made me watch this film called Dominion and it's made me feel really guilty. I just wish I had never done it because it wasn't worth all this. I'm going to be staying vegan because I really don't want to disappoint my family again like this and I feel really bad.

This is probably going to be the last time I go on this account, but again thank you all.

End of post 2

Reminder, I am NOT OOP, please do NOT comment on original threads or contact OOP.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

1 update - Medium

- 25th May 2024

- 4th June 2024

AITAH for ignoring my husband after he came home wearing a shirt his “work wife” bought him?

I (F30s) have been with my husband (M30s) for 5 years. Recently in the last year he has started a new job position, where his role is shared with his co-worker, Chelsea (F20s). I’ve noticed that his co-worker, “Chelsea”, has increasingly pushed my limits of comfortability and I frankly just don’t trust her. I’ve known Chelsea and her family for years prior to my marriage and I wasn’t keen on her then either.

She does and says strange things that I don’t believe are malicious, but it’s almost like she wants to be a second wife to him? I don’t feel insecure about her but I feel creeped out. She’s shared with me that she sees my husband as like her brother. Which irks me because she has an awesome brother…and I’m friends with her brother. She often calls, texts, and facetimes about work related and unrelated topics and I’ve heard someone refer to her as his “work wife”.

Unfortunately, my MIL passed last month, and it has been utter hell. In the midst of grief, Chelsea texted asking how my husband was doing and how she “cries every day thinking about him” and had told me that she knows exactly what I’m going through (no she doesn’t) and that she can’t wait to give my husband a huge hug. Fast forward a little bit and she was drunk at a party and saw my husband leaving, where she confronted him on why he was leaving.

He told her “I didn’t think I had to tell you what I’m doing”, resulting in her panic texting him after to make sure they were okay and trying to get him to talk to her by saying, “you can open up and talk to me or vent or just tell me to stfu”. Strange to me. Theres been more instances but I know I have a limit. Anyways, his birthday was last week and she called him asking his shirt size and she made it a point to let him know she’ll never forget his birthday. Like why are you so creepy sometimes gf.

Yesterday, I’m cleaning the kitchen when he walks in and I notice it’s an unfamiliar shirt. I asked if it was new and he said “Chelsea got it for me” and my blood boiled. Instant rage and I went quiet. He asked if I cared and I remained silent and walked away. I’m usually a huge communicator, but his mom just passed and he asked for no drama, and I’m trying my hardest to respect that, but I know I have zero patience and want to tell him it’s effing weird how involved a coworker is trying to become in his life and she needs to back down and focus on her own engagement.

Everyone I talk to says I’m not in the wrong and she’s being creepy, but I feel bad for ignoring my husband and walking away from him. I saw he looked upset and confused, but I know he’s already overwhelmed with grief and don’t want to make things worse. So, AITAH?

Comments

canyonemoon

Talk to your husband immediately and say "this isn't drama, this is threatening our relationship. You need to set boundaries with this coworker and you need to do it now. No more calling her your work wife, no more of this weird clingy friendship. You become coworkers and you draw lines, this is too much and that shirt is the last straw. Stop it now. You might not see it, but she's either inappropriate by nature or she's trying to start an affair."

Winter-Object-6496

I don't know your communication but i would just sit him down and ask bluntly If he's interested in having an affair with Chelsea, because she's trying hard to get with him. If he's trying to downplay the situation ask him if he would be okay with you flirting and texting with one of your male acquaintances.

In the long run he has to cut this woman out of his life. She seems to doesn't know how to have a platonic friendship with him.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 10 days later

Update: Okay, we have news! So just to clarify some things first. For some additional background.

1-I have known Chelsea and her family prior to my marriage through some mutual connections and her family being very very close with my ex and his family (hence some hesitancy). I became close friends with her brother and he became a part of my group of friends etc. etc. She did not meet my husband until they both started working for the same company. So, I was not very close with Chelsea, but we always saw and interacted cordially.

2-I did not tell Chelsea his shirt size. She called my husband and asked him his shirt size, where he told her. I would have never told her his size and would have made some joke saying that he has enough shirts and not to bother buying him anymore.

3-I wish I added this in earlier, but my husband and I have had conversations about my feelings regarding Chelsea and her behaviors. I’ve tried everything from being sweet, aloof, concerned, and out right angry. Each time I’ve been met with some variation of he understands, but Chelsea is ‘neurotic’… He never dismisses my feeling outright, but he attempts to be sensitive to her mental state and says that he has no issue stepping in if/when necessary. However, I’ve found it necessary, and its clear he isn’t trying to have the confrontation up until the shirt event.

4-My husband requesting no drama stems from a series of events that occurred within his family and work life that drained his emotional battery leading him to just ask for smooth sailing and finding his new normal. I do have a history of struggling to manage my anger during arguments, but I have taken the steps and done what is necessary to address my anger to make sure my marriage does not suffer, and we have been amazing! I did want to be mindful that what he has endured with family and other aspects of his life has impacted his mood, which led him to openly ask the universe for some peace and no drama, which made me internalize his message. Also, we are scheduled to have our first marriage counseling session this up coming week just to really make sure we iron out any issues, and wanted to make sure when I had my update that I had some juice and evidence of change to give ya’ll.

As for the talk. It went…amazing. I sat down with my husband and just told him that there were some things that I wanted to bring to his attention and included a variation of what was in the comments along with my own words to really drive home the fact that I’m beyond over my limit and wanted him to have it on his radar.

My husband was very attentive and validating. We talked for a while and although there were moments where we both didn’t seem to understand one another we tried hard to use some ‘fair fighting’ rules I’ve gotten from my therapist, and that really seemed to help. He gave me his point of view and we talked about how my walking away made him feel awful and how I was upset that he knew I would be mad seeing him wearing the shirt.

I made sure to accept my role in this situation and he was able to do the same. Turns out that my husband has already had a chat with Chelsea and put her in her place post my reaction. Leading Chelsea to then have a three day temper tantrum and constantly seeking reassurance and validation from my husband. In the form of texts and in-person harassment.

My husband finally had enough and told her that if she didn’t knock it off that he would pursue this through his chain of command and HR. That seemed to stop her in her tracks, sorta, where she then started to tell him that she was having ‘troubles at home’, and my husband responded with, “Sorry to hear that, good luck with everything.”

She did not like this. He has since then put up some serious boundaries and we both came up with some ideas that we were both comfortable with and won’t stress out his work environment more. I can’t thank this community enough for helping me get my ass in gear. For all comments…the loving and supportive, ugly and blunt, and the indifferent, I thank you all for taking your time to share your input. This could have possibly saved my marriage.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

What do i do about our aunt (58F) freaking out because I (26F) didn’t wear makeup?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: dealing with a family member with dementia

  May 28, 2024

This weekend the family met up for memorial day. Just a casual family hangout for the holiday, nothing formal or any big event to celebrate. Even though I used to when I was younger, I pretty much never wear makeup anymore except on formal special occasions because it damaged my skin when i wore it every day.

My aunt semi-recently moved back to the states after spending over 6 years living in various places in europe and this is the third time we’ve had a family gathering with her since she got back. The previous two times the family got together it was a more formal occasion and i wore makeup and a dress both times. This time I wore my normal clothes: shorts, a button-down, sandals and no makeup. the rest of my family was more or less as casual as i was, but all the women wear makeup on a daily basis except for me.

I noticed my aunt was acting really strangely around me and when i asked her if everything was okay she turned it around on me and asked if i was sick. I said no I’m fine. She said “so why do you look like that?” and i didn’t know what she meant at first but she kept pressing until i realized she meant i wasn’t wearing makeup.

I was kind of annoyed at her being so bothered by this but i tried to stay calm and explained that i only wear makeup on special occasions. I REALLY should not have said this because this apparently ruined her whole weekend. she started freaking out about how i don’t consider seeing her to be a special occasion and ended up leaving the family gathering early and in tears.

The next day was the memorial day parade and it was my nephew’s first time marching in the marching band, so kind of a special occasion but still casual. my aunt however, still angry from my “special occasion” comment, showed up in stained pajamas with her hair unbrushed. when my mom asked her to explain herself she just said “well [me] doesn’t think it’s a special occasion, so why should i bother?” she attended the parade like that and repeated that line every time someone asked if she was okay or why she was dressed like that.

the rest of my family thinks she’s being unreasonable but that it’s also on me to talk her down from this grudge she’s holding or else she’s going to keep acting out. what do i do???

EDIT: This has been updated here PLEASE read this update before commenting, especially if you’re just here to insult my aunt. (end of edit)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Is the aunt always like this

i honestly don’t know. She hasn’t been a major presence in my life even before she left the country. My mom has described her as a drama queen but i mostly just chalked that up to a typical sister dynamic. I hadn’t heard of her having any outbursts like this before.

When told to ignore the aunt

i’d love to agree with you but a lot of my family (esp. my mom’s side) is going to be really upset with me if i don’t at least attempt to defuse this situation. i know i’m not the one in the wrong here but i think i can only start ignoring her after i’ve done something to cool her down to avoid turning this into a worse situation than it already is. i love my family and i want to keep the peace

  May 30, 2024

Original post:

Hi all, there have been some unexpected developments in this situation that i wanted to share.

Despite that most of you suggested that I just ignore her, I felt a sense of obligation (and was under a lot of familial pressure) to try to get her one on one and attempt to communicate. Yesterday I brought her a fresh baked loaf of bread as a gesture of goodwill and called and told my uncle to warn her that I was coming over to talk. He had been off visiting his own parents over memorial day weekend so he’d only heard about her freakout.

It did NOT go well. I tried to gently explain to her that when I said special occasion i meant FORMAL occasion and that I always think it’s special to see her and the rest of the family. She completely rejected my explanation and said i “can’t tell someone they’re not special and just turn around and say nevermind” and said some nasty things about my appearance since i again was not wearing makeup. She finished out by taking the loaf I made for her and making sure I watched as she threw it in the garbage. At this point i said “I tried, I’m done, i can’t help you” and left.

My uncle stopped me as I was leaving the house looking really upset. i assumed he was just embarrassed over my aunt’s outburst but he asked me to take a walk with him so he could talk.

We walked around the neighborhood and he apologized for how my aunt has been acting but started to cry. when he was able to talk again he admitted that the reason they had come home from traveling in europe is that my aunt had been diagnosed with early onset dementia.

A lot of people were making jokes about that in the responses but it turned out to be the actual explanation. She had never been on a hair trigger like that before she started showing signs. he wanted to keep it private until they weren’t able to keep it private anymore and he was having a hard time accepting that that time had already arrived.

We cried together for a while and he agreed that he needs to start the process of telling the family about her condition and looking in to getting her some extra help. I talked to my mom about it afterwards and she’s really upset. She was scared that something like this might be the case because the way she showed up to the parade looking like a mess was so out of character, and that’s why she wanted me to try to resolve it; she assumed that such a reaction meant i must have done something for it to at least partially be my fault. A lot of people had assumed she was just a lifelong narcissist who always acted out to get her way, but this is new behavior for her.

Ultimately I’m glad that I tried to make amends if it led to the truth. I quickly went from resenting my aunt to feeling extremely bad for her. Dementia runs in my family but it usually takes til the late 80s or early 90s to set in. To deal with a disease that attacks her mind and personality so young is so awful for her, for my uncle, and for their kids. So yeah. If your older loved ones suddenly start acting nasty in a way that they’ve never been before, maybe that’s not nothing. Watch out for yourselves and your loved ones y’all.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Complete_Entry

Your mom was still grossly unfair to you.

OOP

i’m not going to blame her. We don’t always act rationally when faced with stressful situations that we’ve never experienced before. No one except for me and my aunt witnessed the initial interaction that led to her freaking out, people only saw when she started yelling and crying. My mom probably thought I wasn’t telling the whole story.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

A few commenters notice that is an Irish socialist, and that he is likely posting these pictures for a reason. and whether OP is, as the kids say, based or cringe. Most seem to agree with OP, though one argues,

with a general anti-West agenda.

In general there's a lot of argument about UK/Irish relations:

(This thread goes on a while and has so much drama I recommend scrolling through the whole thing)

Was the girl actually assaulted in the legal sense? Did the guy actually use a hammer as OP claims? . This thread also has people pointing out .

Then there's a third issue here: is the girl right to mock the soldier's height? Is the assault (if it even happened) karma?

If an obese woman would defend herself in public most of you would probably all be like YAAASS queen, defend yourself 💅💅💅💅"

That last comment is from a user who-while defending the solder's actions and calling the girl a "bully"-had this to say:

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AIW: For going on a "date-night" with my wife's friend?

Originally posted to

May 29, 2024

I went out for dinner with one of my wife's friend last week when my wife was out of town. I wanted some honest opinions on if I did something wrong here and how big of trouble I am in.

So, to give full context, my wife was away for a week visiting her parents. She has a friend Amanda who she has been friends with for many years. Amanda has had a rough patch, where she broke up with her boyfriend and also lost her job. My wife has been supportive of her. Last week, Amanda had an interview and asked my wife if she could give her a ride home from the airport. As my wife was out of town, and my office is near the airport, my wife asked me if I can give her a ride on my way back from work. I did not have any plans and agreed. Amanda and I are not really friends, and I only interact with her when we meet socially.

I told Amanda to message me when her flight gets to the airport, and I can pick her up. I picked her up around 6pm and we were driving home. We were just having small talk about the new company she was interviewing at and her work in general. Amanda told me she does not have any food at home and if we can stop by at a drive thru so that she can pick up some food. I was also hungry, and I suggested we can stop by somewhere and have quick dinner before I drop her home. She agreed and started searching for places on the way. She punched in an address to a restaurant on the way and we drove to that place.

We did not know this, but this place was pretty fancy Italian restaurant. She said, this looks too fancy, and I said we are already here, so let's eat. I messaged my wife we are getting dinner, and she said ok. We had a pretty fun evening and a nice dinner. She had a few drinks, and I did not since I was driving. We generally never talk much, but she opened up to me and we had a very nice chat. I never knew Amanda and I had so much in common and liked the same music and movies. I did not notice, but we were at the restaurant for one and a half hour. Amanda was taking pictures during dinner and also asked the server to take our picture at the end of the meal. I dropped Amanda home, she gave me a quick hug and said thanks for such a nice evening. I called my wife; told her I dropped Amanda and am heading home. She seemed busy and I just let her know I reached home and said good night.

This is where things got a bit weird. Amanda messaged me around 11pm saying thanks for the ride and she had a good time. She sent me our picture together. I saw the message, and just liked it to acknowledge it. Later that night, Amanda shared some of the photos from our dinner on her Instagram, including our photo together and captioned it as dinner with friend. I am not friends with Amanda on Instagram and did not see it.

Next morning, my wife called me and asked me how my "date night" with Amanda was. I laughed it off and thought she was teasing me. But my wife sounded pissed off and kept on asking me about all the details like when I got home, which I was happy to provide. That night, my wife called me again and told me that Amanda told her about the night before. The issue was Amanda made the dinner sound way nicer than what it was. She kept on praising me for how I was a gentleman, and treated me better than most of her dates, how I am a good listener, paid for the whole thing, etc. I feel Amanda also added fuel to the fire by telling my wife all the wonderful things I did for her during the evening.

My wife feels I should have asked her before inviting Amanda to such a fancy place for a romantic dinner. She was also pissed that hundreds of people liked Amanda's post on Instagram and she feels disrespected that her husband is going out on "date night" with her single friend when she was out of town. She also jokingly asked me how our goodnight kiss was, and I told her it was just a hug. That seemed to make her angrier. I have not even told her about the late-night message from Amanda, and me liking the picture with a heart emoji, because I am too scared at this point.

I wanted to ask if I was wrong to invite Amanda for dinner, when both of us were starving and it was dinner time. Do you think my wife is wrong and overreacting to all of this? I was just being nice to her friend (who she asked me to drive home). I also communicated with my wife all through the night and she seemed ok with it at the time. She only got offended after she saw Amanda's insta post. Should I call Amanda and tell her to talk to my wife and explain it was just a friendly meal and I was not being inappropriate?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Significant_Beyond95

YTA - Would you be okay if your wife went to a nice dinner out and had drinks with a single male friend of yours, not hers, hugged him, took pictures, all without asking you if it bothered you and not telling you what happened and you found out from social media?

The fact is casual observers interpret you going on a date with a woman that isn’t your wife. Getting drive-thru is one thing, this is another.

OOP

I just went for dinner with her. I was expecting to go to a diner or something but was a nice meal anyways.

Yes, I understand if my wife would have done all those things, it would have bothered me. However, I was messaging my wife thru the night, and she never once raised a flag that she was uncomfortable. I also talked to my wife after I dropped Amanda. I think her problem started the next morning after she saw the Instagram pics.

~

hick_rick

Feels like ah, nta all at the same time.

Seems like there’s a level of naivety around the escalating situation. The early portions of your story are definitely innocent and honestly what a lot of people would do for close friends of a SO. But how could you not see this escalated into an awkward situation? Fancy romantic dinner setting, potentially intimate conversations, bit of PDA towards the end.

At no point in the evening did it occur to you “this feels like a date?”

Probably owe your wife an apology regarding the misunderstanding.

OOP

I will be honest here. I was slightly annoyed I had to pick Amanda at the airport because I had my whole evening planned out. I was going to go home, get drunk and play Sea of Thieves with my friends.

I really did not notice we were in restaurant for such a long time. The dinner was not romantic at all, but you know how pictures on insta can look.

In hindsight, I know why my wife is mad at me, and I am just scared at this point for the fallout. Help!

OOP on what kind of restaurant it was

It was not one of the "unlimited breadsticks" places. It was more like a fancy steakhouse, but Amanda picked it. My wife was completely fine with the dinner until she saw the pictures on Instagram.

Why he paid for dinner

So, i payed because I always offer to pay. I am lucky to live a comfortable life and I hate splitting bills. I also always offer to pay when I go with my friends too.

May 30, 2024

I made a about going out for dinner with my wife's friend when my wife was out of town visiting her parents last week. She posted our photos on Instagram and it would be an understatement to say that my wife was not happy about it. I have been getting cold treatment from her since the incident. A lot of the comments made me believe that I something really horrible. However, I knew in my heart that I did not have any wrong intentions and decided to just be honest with my wife.

She came home yesterday evening, and I went to pick her up at the airport. I went on my charm offensive and got some flowers and chocolates on my way. While my wife was happy to see me after two weeks, I could see she was a bit annoyed by me. I asked her if she wants to stop by for dinner at a restaurant and she gave me a look, and told me to keep driving and we will order takeout. She also asked me to cut the bullshit and be normal.

After we reached home, we settled in and I got the dinner ready. I decided to be direct and asked her why the incident is really bothering her. I told her that I know she is not an insecure person, and she also knows I would never put myself in an inappropriate position. While I understood why she would be annoyed by the situation, I would not expect her to doubt me. She was the one who trusted me to pick up her friend in the evening from airport. As it was dinner time, and her friend said she was hungry, it would have been rude of me to not offer to get food for her. Also, my wife knows that I always offer to pay for dinners, irrespective if it is my friends or hers. It is just the way I was brought up and we have fights during family gatherings on who gets to pay. I asked her what was the thing that was exactly bothering her and why she was ok during the night when I kept her updated about everything, but got upset in the morning.

My wife told me that the whole situation smelled funky to her. She told me that she does not doubt me one bit that I had any wrong intentions. However, the optics of it all was really bad for her. She said that she is not upset at me getting dinner for her friend. She would expect me to do that, and Amanda also appreciates it. She said that the issue started early morning when her mom barged into her room to show her Amanda's post. Her mom thought I was going out with Amanda behind my wife's back. My wife told her that she knew I took her out for dinner and told her about what happened. She then got a lecture from her mom about how naive she was, and this is how affairs start. My wife said that it annoyed her a lot. Her mom also looked up the restaurant and told my wife that it was a very pricey place and was voted "Best Place for Romantic Dates" by some magazine. She said her mom completely freaked out after seeing my picture with Amanda. So, my wife looked up our credit card statement and realized I had spent a lot on the meal.

She also said that Amanda has a huge social media following on Instagram and posts a lot. I think she is like a fitness influencer or something, but I don't really follow her. Even though most of the pictures in her post were of food, the last photo of me and her looked like a "boyfriend reveal" as we were sitting next to each other. She told me I won't understand as I am not on Instagram, but this is how people announce they are dating someone now a days. As the day went on, Amanda got more than 1K likes on the post, while a lot of people commenting and saying we looked nice. She was annoyed Amanda did not correct any of them. So, she called Amanda in the evening to ask her to take the last picture down. However, Amanda kept on praising me and how I was charming and fun. Amanda told her that for all these years, she felt I was snobbish and pretentious (I am a huge introvert, so I come off that way), but she was wrong. My wife said this was annoying because she has never seen me be charming with any of her friends before when she is around. Amanda was talking about all my favorite bands, and how we should all go to see a concert sometimes. Amanda told her she posted our photo because she has never been treated to such a nice place before and wanted to acknowledge me in the post. My wife never asked her to take down the picture because of that.

She then had a lot of questions for me as to when I dropped her off, why I walked her to the apartment building door and when I got home. I told her I can show you exact times and receipts for everything, but do we really want to be that couple who questions each other about every little detail. She can check when we got the credit card charge, the messages I sent her after dropping Amanda and our ring camera in garage and come to her own conclusions. She asked me if she thought Amanda was flirting with me during the night, and I told her that was not the case. Infact, Amanda messaged me our photo at night, and I just sent an emoji instead of engaging in a conversation (mostly because I was busy with my video game). That chapter was closed for us and neither Amanda nor I messaged each other after that. Amanda is my wife's friend and I do not intend to be close friends with her anyways, as I have my own friends. I also insisted to her that Amanda was not inappropriate in anyway during the night and maintained proper boundaries. So, this incident should not affect her friendship with Amanda. Infact, if Amanda had any bad intentions, she knew my wife was out for the rest of the week, and would have tried to message me again. But, she forgot about the evening and so should we.

Overall, my wife seems to be back to normal after the conversation. My wife is not an insecure person. I could see why she would be annoyed by the situation. However, I know in my heart that I will never disrespect our marriage and I had no reason to be sneaky or lie about the situation to her. I am glad we talked it through, and I was able to answer all her questions. Thanks again for all your suggestions.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Flynn_JM

How much was the dinner?

OOP

It was around 300 dollars overall with tips and stuff. The food was pretty good though.

Flynn_JM

300? How many courses did you get?

OOP

Five I think. We skipped the desert course though coz it was too much food.

I remember the song because it is one of my fav bands. It was "Every Little Thing" by Police.

Flynn_JM

Five? So an app, a pasta, a meat? What else? Did she keep ordering or did you?

That's def a romantic song. No wonder her followers think you're her new boyfriend. Lol. And she's just letting then think that?

When you go to that concert, get ready for her to maneuver some pics with just you. You know, for the fans. 🙄

What music went over the insta post?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

WIBTA If I break up with my BF after he told me his secret?

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy

: May 9, 2024

I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for 1 year now, we met on Tinder 2 years ago but I had trust issues so it took time for me to be official. We have a good relationship, he is caring, sweet, and funny. We have a few fights here and there, but nothing major. I moved in with him last month.

So last night, he was working on his mac while I was uploading a backup file to one of his drives. I found a spreadsheet and asked him if I should delete it since the drive was empty. He came over and opened it as he didn't remember what it was. It contained roughly 25-30 names, email addresses, and phone numbers, including my details. I laughed and asked what it was, and his face turned red. He told me that this was from when he was learning hacking about 2 years ago and testing his skills on people. Every few months, he develops a new hobby that doesn't stick for more than 2-3 months, I think it's because he has ADHD and OCD. Nowadays, he is learning guitar.

Then I asked him if he got my email and phone number before he knew me, and he said yes. He told me he got lucky because two of my accounts were compromised, and that's how he found my details. I asked him why he didn't tell me this before, and he said he was going to but he forgot and he was sorry for doing this. Then he asked me not to tell anyone because people would be creeped out by it, and no one knows about this.

I love him, but after learning about that, I can't look at him the same way. He now seems like a crazy stalker who used my social media to get with me. I am in this dilemma where I don't know if I should break up over this issue or not. Everything else in the relation is almost perfect.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if her boyfriend had a list of the past relationships

OOP: but there were men on the list too and he is straight also he showed me sites form where my data got leaked

OOP responds on if those entries on the list were “trophies”

OOP: I dont think it was "trophies" because there were men in the list too and he is straight and the spreadsheet hasnt been updated since 2 years, atleast he was telling the truth but the whole situation is weird for me and also he opened it front of me like he didnt even know what was inside.

Has the boyfriend made changes after he and OOP got together? And if he was telling her the truth

OOP: the sheet was updated roughly 2 years ago atleast he was telling the truth but the whole situation is weird for me and also he opened it front of me as if he didnt even know what was inside.

Yeah, he haven't hide any details and he even showed me how he did it with my account. I think I should talk about this issue rather than posting it. thanks

I think he stopped because the sheet was last updated 2 years ago. I have 2FA but we already know each others passwords and use each others devices all the time.

: May 29, 2024

hi, I posted a few weeks ago about my problem.

Last post:

After my post, I got some good advice but didn’t know how to confront him. I was hurt and felt betrayed but tried to act normal. After a day, he asked if I wanted to talk about what happened. I told him that he had hurt me and betrayed my trust by invading my privacy before even knowing me. He said it was a long time ago and he was stupid. He never meant to hurt anyone. When I asked why he didn’t tell me before, he said at first he didn’t know how and was afraid I would leave him. Over time, he just forgot about it. I told him I needed time and stayed the night at my best friend's house. She told me to take my time and not judge based on my past relationship (I was in an abusive relationship, my ex cheated on me twice).

When I thought about it, our relationship seemed almost perfect, he is the best person I know just with some weird hobbies. The next day, he told me he would do anything to regain my trust, including going to therapy and starting his meds for ADHD and OCD, which he usually avoids because he says they make it hard for him to think straight.

So, this is the update. I would have posted sooner but got caught up in work and forgot. Over the past weeks, he showed me how he got my info and to my surprise four of my accounts were leaked, it made me realize that anyone who knows very little about me can see it.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds on if she believes her boyfriend is manipulating from the beginning

OOP: I mean, he could have lied from the first day, right? Now he knows my email and phone number, but he told me the truth that he got them before. I think that is a good sign.

He is far from abusive, and I don't think he is a stalker either. I have known him for two years, and I have seen how he sometimes concentrates on random stuff and later just forgets about it. This was just too different from other hobbies. I think we have a good relationship. For example, with this topic, I couldn't bring it up to talk to him. He noticed I was acting differently and brought it up himself.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Y'all cultured spirits know what I'm thinking

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/

Originally posted to r/

AITA for threatening to kick out my niece after she hacked my daughter’s Roblox account?

: May 18, 2024

My (38F) daughter (13F) has been playing this game called Roblox since lockdown first started as a way of playing with her friends virtually as well as curing her boredom. She was obsessed with this Roblox game that’s set in a school because she missed her friends so much and it allowed her to stay connected with them. Her interest in video games has developed into an interest into technology - she’s by far at the top of her IT class and has even started learning how to code in order to make her own game.

My sister (34F) and niece (10F) have recently had to move in with us after my sister discovered that her husband was having an affair. They’re staying at my house for the time being while she saves up money for a place of their own.

My niece and daughter usually get along, and they both bond over their interest in Roblox. Last week, my daughter was completely distraught and crying nonstop. She said that she saw her cousin playing on a Roblox game and realised her cousin’s avatar had a lot more items than usual. She decided to join her, only to realise that her account had been hacked and she’d lost nearly every item she had on her favourite Roblox game. She’d lost 800K of the in-game currency and nearly her entire inventory, which she claimed was worth over 5 million of the in-game currency. She had spent the last four years saving up for those items and everything was gone just like that.

My daughter began accusing my niece of hacking her account. My niece denied it at first, but quickly broke under pressure and admitted everything. The previous day, they had been playing the game together when I called them down to dinner. My niece has only been playing for a few months and I suppose she would be considered a ‘noob’. She begged my daughter to give her some of her items, and my daughter refused, saying that she should earn the items by herself. When my daughter came down, my niece decided to stay behind for a minute to transfer all of my daughter’s items into her account.

I tried to mediate the situation, but my sister is refusing to co-operate. She told me that it’s only a game, it’s not like my daughter spent real money on it. I attempted to explain just how much this game means to my daughter, to which my sister said that my daughter should count herself lucky that her biggest problem is a bunch of pixels on a screen. She said my daughter was a teenager now and was too old to be acting this immature over a game. My niece refuses to give my niece her stuff back and says it’s unfair that my daughter gets to have everything she wants both in real life and online. I told my sister and niece that both of them were acting like ungrateful brats considering how I was letting them stay in my home rent free.

Today, I gave her an ultimatum: if my niece doesn’t return everything she hacked from my daughter, they would both have one week to leave. I told her that I refuse to let anyone disrespect my daughter under my roof. AITA?

VERDICT: NTA

: May 30, 2024

Original post: 

Thank you all for your advice! My sister and niece moved out last week, she’s in the process of getting an apartment and they’re temporarily staying with a friend of my sister’s for the time being. I warned her that if I contacted the developers, they would get her daughter banned, so either way my niece wasn’t keeping the stuff she stole, so she should try minimise her losses. She claimed I had no proof her daughter hacked the account and refused to compromise. She said I was petty and childish for making them “homeless” over a kid’s video game. And don’t get me wrong, I feel bad, I really do. My sister and I never really got along as kids so I was hoping at least our kids could have a good relationship with each other. But still, they were inevitably going to leave at some point so I suppose I only sped up the process.

Now that my niece is gone, my daughter seems a lot happier now. She told me she was perfectly fine, but I knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t. Some very kind and generous people here have offered to gift her some of their items to rebuild her account, to which I am extremely grateful, but my daughter said she felt bad about taking stuff from other people. I’d already reported my niece’s account, which seemed to have no effect. I’m not very tech savvy, but I considered contacting the Roblox developers to see if they could reverse the transaction. However, my daughter informed that doing so would only ban the account, losing all of my daughter’s items in the process.

I would like to extend all my thanks to the commenter that suggested I try and log in to my niece’s account. Believe it or not, it only took 5 attempts. Turns out that 10 year olds don’t have the best comprehension of Internet security. Surprisingly, getting into the account was the easy part. I spent an embarrassingly long amount of time looking up how to trade everything back - I swear I’m getting old. I couldn’t tell which items were my daughter’s and which were actually my niece’s, so I simply transferred everything my niece had just to be safe.

When she came home from school today, I told my daughter I had a fun surprise for her waiting on Roblox. Words can’t describe how proud of myself I felt when I saw the joy rush back into her face. The ironic part is that my niece had previously won this very rare halo item from this sort of lottery system, which my daughter claims is one of the most expensive items in that game. Now it was transferred to my daughter’s account, meaning that my daughter walked out of this situation richer than she was to start with. My sister just messaged me in all caps yelling at me that my niece has been through so much and I was just kicking her when she was down. She accused me of stealing from a little girl. I simply told her that, in her own words, it’s just a bunch of pixels on a screen.

Thank you to everyone for your support.

REMINDER: I am not the original poster. Please do not comment on linked posts.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 16th May 2024

- 17th May 2024

1 New Update

- 1st June 2024

AITAH for leaving my fiancée after I learned there were strippers at her bachelorette party?

What the title reads basically. I(29M) and my ex-fiancée(29F) were together for 5 years. We should have been married now in the normal conditions but I broke up with her and cancelled the wedding 2 days before it because they invited male strippers to bachelorette party. I am personally not a fan of these parties but reluctantly agreed after both groom & bride side confirmed we would keep it simple. I told my ex-fiancée I am not comfortable with strippers or other kind of crazy things. She agreed. I also told my friends if they were to do a stupid thing without me knowing, we would have problems.

We stayed at my friends' summer house and chilled there by the pool, did some wow raids and played board games. My ex-fiancée and her friends went to a restaurant then rented an airbnb. There was no problem during the night and next day I asked how things went. She and her close friends said it was really chill and good. We returned to the city centre after that.

I encountered another bridesmaid that day when I was shopping for a bracelet for my ex-fiancée for her upcoming birthday. I asked that girl how's everything as we were in the same department at the college but rarely talk now. She is closer with my fiancée than me. She said it's going good and last night was crazy with all the strippers. After saying that she looked uncomfortable. I asked her about the details but she was not willing to tell much. I think she realized she should not have talked about it. I laughed, said goodbye and left.

I confronted my fiancée and she seemed surprised about it. She was denying it first, then told me nothing crazy happened and one of the bridesmaids invited strippers. I reminded her that it was a strict boundary for me. I asked about the details but she said there was nothing much with strippers just solo dances and that's it. I told her I need some time to think.

Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated). Things happened after that but in the end I decided to break up and cancel the wedding. I lost some money since it was only 2 days before the wedding. Things are not cool right now. My head is messed up, I get criticism from everyone and no idea about what to do. My sister told me to see a therapist to process my thoughts and feelings. That is what I'll do next. Some mutuals suggested me that I should reconsider things and stop being so whiny about such a small thing. I do not think it's such a small thing especially when they all tried to hide it from me.

AITAH here?

Comments

tasty-horse-paste

This is strangely similar to something that happened recently on 90 day fiancé.

Edit: A lot of people saying disagreements about strippers etc. is common, which sure, but it was the detail about playing MMO games by the pool at the bachelor party that got my attention. But I'm not saying OP's story is fake; it just reminded me of the 90 day thing.

former_farmer

Because this happens a lot. Some people think that cheating in the bachelorette party is correct. It's so dumb.

boredathome1962

NTA. "It was crazy with all the strippers" is hugely different from "it was really chill and good". This isn't just lying, this is a total reversal of the truth. Even her "it was just solo dances" is not the same as "crazy". So they are lying, all of them, except the first one.

OOP: Everyone is telling different things. One person says it was crazy, my ex says it was just solo dance, another person says it was different. I do not know whom to believe to be honest and that's one of the reasons I lost trust here. Apparently, the stripper was naked and that even alone is a dealbreaker for me. There is no way for me to know what happened that night and why she did not even bother with calling me or telling me about it.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 days later

TL;DR: Bitter truth was revealed bit by bit. Ex-fiancée had sexual interaction with a stripper. It's therapy time.

I read most of the comments in the original post and thank you for the advice. My problem was that not her being blindsided by her friends but lying. Every bridesmaid told different things and none of them gave details about what happened. I believe you can understand it just shatters the trust and makes you think there is something going on.

I thought there was something wrong with me after reading the comments. There were a lot of YTAs and I thought I should apologize. One of the bridesmaid reached out to me last evening. I suspect she saw the post somewhere and recognized it. I knew my fiancée was having problems with her friends since last week but I did not know the extent.

Apparently, my ex-fiancée and her close friends blamed the girl that I encountered at mall about everything. This divided the group and led into a verbal fight. I will skip the personal details here but in the end she told me my ex-fiancée and other bridesmaids got sexual with the strippers. My fiancée was the only one who had boyfriend/fiancée/spouse(at least monogamously) there to my knowledge. Also, I was told by her that my ex-fiancée was not blindsided with stripper invites. She was happy to see the strippers and was relieved she had an excuse. I do not have proof for all of these but I got a short video of girls making out with strippers. One of the girls is my ex-fiancée and that's enough.

She has been trying to reach out to me since we broke up. I confronted her again. At first, she denied it again then it became we just touched, then okay we kissed too, okay I gave him a handjob, finally I was coerced into doing these by others as I pressed on. I just blocked her after the last part. I did not see any need to learn further. I was hurt already but learning that I got cheated on hurt more. I am not sure if it's the full truth even now. I will never know but all I can say is it hurts. I will go to a therapist to not carry my luggage to my next relationship. I lost 15K from the wedding related things and need to focus on filling the hole for a while.

Some misogynists made weird comments about women and I'll just ignore them. Some of the people told me I am an insecure, unfunny nerd for playing WoW on my bachelor party. Isn't the whole point of bachelor parties having "one last fun". It was raiding non-stop with the boys for me, not having one last sexual interaction with a stranger or having a stranger's butt on my face or penis. I will not miss on out these during marriage anyways(omitting the stranger part).

That's it. It's therapy time tomorrow and thank you for the help.

Comments

scotswaehey

I will never understand why people like your Ex Fiancée throw it all away for one night

BigBlackBlasphemer

Not just that, the whole group had banded together in solidarity to lie.

If it wasn't for one person, they would've gotten away with it, while gaslighting OP the whole time

I hope all those votes calling OP, an AH rightly feel like DA's.

15k and a cancelled wedding is still LOADS better than divorce after the fact. You're doing the absolute right thing.

Also, I AM petty enough to blast her publicly with receipts if she wants to play the victim and make me look like the bad guy.

And the first person I'll send the video of her cheating to is her Dad. See how she likes those apples

PSA: Don't be the simp guy who didn't want to send his "wife" to jail after everyone caught her trying to poison him with bleach in the coffee machine.

SuccessfulSeaweed385

I had a lan party at my bachelor party and it was awesome. Fuck the haters and screw your ex. NTA.

FarquaadStoleMyWig

My brothers bachelor party was pizza, flip cup, and halo reach on system linked Xbox’s. Fucken best night ever

**New Update**

Final Update - 2 weeks later

A quick update with good news. I sorted out most of the mess regarding the wedding ceremony. Ex-FIL and Ex-MIL came to learn about the details and covered 10K of the wedding cost. I also got the ring back. They are amazing people and I wish them nothing but best. They apologized for what happened even though it has nothing to do with them. My ex is blocked everywhere and stopped reaching out to me. I assume her parent had a good talk with her.

I have people supporting me during this tough time around me thankfully. Especially my friends. We keep playing Season of Discovery with the boys because Cata Classic sucks.

Comments

Cybermagetx

Updated with no drama and boring are the best. Especially for one like this. Glad it wasn't a total lost and you got to ring back.

For others who broke up before getting married, in most states and a few countries the ring is not a gift but a conditional gift.. And if no marriage happens it legally belongs to the giver.

RadiantLady45

great to hear your ex-in-laws are supportive and helped with the wedding costs. having them on your side must be a relief

CulturedGentleman921

You gave her a hard boundary.

She enthusiastically crossed that boundary.

You are 100% justified in ending it.

Period.

You dodged a bullet, my friend.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments