I am not OP. That is who posted to AITAH

TW: death of a loved one

May 24th, 2024

There's too much to say, But I'll try to make it short. I'm using the Google traductor for most of the things, sorry

In short: I(34f) have been dating Leon (42m) for two years.

My uncle became friends with Leon when they started working together and he started coming to family gatherings and birthdays. Leon is a great guy and we get along instantly, my family always talked to me about Leon saying he's a great guy. One day Leon asked me out on a date and I said yes, we started dating.

Leon has two children (14m and 12m), his wife died in an accident nine years ago.

Here comes the problem: Leon always talks about his wife. I know it sounds ugly to complain about it but I don't say it with jealously, I mean it uncomfortably. He mentions her in intimate moments of our time, such as when we finish having intimacy or when we're having a date, sometimes he just starts telling me random anecdotes about his wife and I just stay there feeling like if I'm sleeping with a married man and I'm the side piece. I don't ask for much, just to have a date where it's just me and him, a date where I don't feel like someone's lover with a man who talks about the things WE like. He goes to the psychologist so according to him he's working better on his grief but I doubt it very much. I'm not the first girlfriend he had after his wife passed away.

He still has contact with his wife's family (which is obvious, they are the grandparents of his children) and I have met them in person only one time because all they did was tell me how much Leon and his wife loved each other and treat me really bad, I remember that they put a video with photos of Leon and his wife when they married while I was like this🧍because they didn't even gave me a chair to sit. I think in their minds is cute to me to see my boyfriend with his wife? Idk, it's not cute, it's weird.

He always says in front of me that she was the love of his life, I find it cute but when I think about the future I'm just like "I really want to get old with a man who is making it clear that he will never love me? Is that the kind of love I want? I want to be the only one for my future husband". One time I took him to my favorite place and he just said "it's beautiful, I wish wife's name was here so we could show her this. You two would have been good friends." it's like being a third wheel in my own relationship. I can tell a lot of situations like these, A LOT. We talked about this, most of the times he just says that he does that without thinking but then he seems to forget about it and goes back to his usual behavior and I'm tired.

The only one time I talked about this with my family I was only told that a real woman wouldn't be jealous of a dead woman (I'm not jealous, I'm uncomfortable) and would be happy to be with a man who has loved another woman like that and expect him to love me almost the same. That I shouldn't expect him to love me in the same way since all love is different and that I should just be empathetic and supportive of him. I listened to them but nothing got better. I've been feeling so much pressure to go through with this that I can't take it anymore.

Anyways, I stopped listening to my family and finally talked with my friend who's a psychologist and told me that his behavior is not healthy for anyone and that I should think for myself.

She texted "Good for him for loving his wife so much, but you don't deserve to be used as an emotional support doll" And she's right. I have decided to cut off the relationship but this year marks ten years since the death of his wife, not only his family, even MY family is helping them to host a family reunion in honor of her with the things she likes. I think it's a nice thing to do, but I'm totally ready to end the relationship but I'm afraid I'm the bad guy in the story.

The 10th anniversary is in July, I want to end the relationship NOW but I fear that I will be a POS if I do that in this year when he is so vulnerable and even my family is pushing me to act like if I was his wife's bestfriend. He even says that his wife and I would be good friends if we had meet, why would you want your wife to be best friends with the woman you're sleeping with right now? It's too weird, I think I'm insane because everyone around me sees it as something cute.

In short, I don't know if I should break up with him right now or wait until I don't know, next year? Would I be a POS if I break up with him now?

Added comments

OP

He goes to therapy and has even taken me many times to his wife's grave until I asked him not to take me anymore because I don't feel comfortable 🥴 I know he goes to visit her grave a lot.

Yes, I think my family acts that weird because my brother goes through the same situation with his wife and they think I want the same thing

Commenter

Did you ask him why that relationship ended?

OP

He told me that it was because his ex-girlfriend hated when he talked about his wife and didn't respected her memory, at the time I believed him but now I think that the girl maybe was feeling like me

He once told me that he mistakenly called his ex by his wife's name 🥴

May 27th, 2024

(I had to Edit some personal data I wrote without realizing)

A few people who lived the same situation messaged me and that really helped me to feel understood, I finally talked with all my friends about everything he did, I always avoided doing that because I knew they were going to tell me that I should leave him but I just ended up being trapped by everyone else words. We didn't loved each other and that's obvious even if he says doesn't think so. Yes, I actually posted to get approval, I don't know how bad is that but I needed to know that I was doing things right and that I'm not crazy before I said the truth to my friends.

The next day I finally talked to Leon, I REALLY needed to break up at that point.

He came to see me at my house and I told him we needed to talk. I went straight to the point saying I want to end the relationship and he instantly asked me what he did wrong, we literally had this talk before and he does know what things makes me feel uncomfortable, I was tired so I just proceeded to list everything he did. How he never defended me from his ex's-in-law, how he never made an effort to stop naming his wife all the time even though I told him a thousand times that it made me uncomfortable, how does he make me feel like I'm the third in my own relationship, etc.

He apologized saying the same as always, that he doesn't realize it when he does that, we've had this discussion before MANY times but this time I told him I want to break up. I also told him that I don't think his therapist is helping but Leon just said the HE is helping him and feels mentally well.

Leon told me that we could start going together with his therapist because he knows that "It can be hard for a woman to be with a widower, jealousy is a normal thing in this kind of cases" and that really triggered me.

I've let both his and my family make me believe that I'm a crazy jealous, I've let even blogs about widower couples fill my head with things like "You just have to be empathetic, don't expect him to love you. He's always going to love his first wife more so just get used to it and be a good woman". I've let myself be trampled on just because everyone told me that getting over a loss is difficult and I have to be empathetic and think about the other.

I'm so damn tired of it, I'm tired of being empathetic, I've been dragging this thought for months and in that moment I just burst out.

We yelled at each other, we said a lot of things to each other but at the end of it all he went on with his mentality that I'm wrong and I'm just jealous, he said that I clearly don't feel ready to date a widower and I ended up being like his ex, I told him that he's a fucking hypocrite. That he filled his mouth talking shits about his ex-girlfriend but now I'm sure that he treated her like he treated me, he probably took a submissive woman to fullfill the void and took us as sex dolls.

None of that echoed in his mind because he left my house saying I'm just jealous of a ghost and I disappointed him. I'm fed up, I'm so angry while I write this.

As soon as he left the house I sended my mother a message saying that I'm not going to live the same life of my SIL, living in the shadow of a woman who's no longer in this world and they should have empathy for me and not for a man who's not even their family. I told her that I'm tired of being pressured and I don't care if I die single. I'm sure they don't care about how I feel, in the end they will keep saying that I have a cold heart like always but I want to not care about that anymore.

My friends are staying at my house to keep me company and I can finally get all the accumulated shit out of my brain with them.

I don't feel good being second and I know I'll always be second. I don't want to replace the place of the first wife and I know that even if I wanted to, I never will. I know a lot if people feels good with that kind of relationship but not me, maybe I'm really coldhearthed but I'm surely not that empathetic. If his wife were alive, he would clearly never choose me, he wouldn't even look at me... I don't like that kind of love and I really had a hard time accepting that I don't want that kind of love for myself.

I feel that I am still young and I can wait for a man to have me as the first choice in his heart. I hope Leon can overcome his traumas and be happy, but not with me. Someone messaged me that I don't deserve his love but what love are we talking about? I'm just a sex doll at this point. For now he's not going to change and doesn't wants to change but that's not my business, I'm not a bedroom therapist anymore.

I rather be single forever than falling again in that, I want to start more therapy and pilates, I'm still obviously affected by all of this and nothing really changed, nothing would change that fast but I'm just happy that I'm free now. For now I just wanted to vent so sorry if everything sounds too aggressive.

I am not the original poster. Please don’t contact or comment on linked posts

I am not OP. That is who posted to AITAH

TW: Infidelity

May 19th, 2024

Context: I (30f) have been with my partner (36m) for 4 years and we have a 2 year old child together. I have 5 year old twins, full time custody as their dad passed away, and he has 2 children (7,12), who he has 50/50 custody of.

I was brought up in a pretty wealthy family where me and my siblings attended private school, and this was something that I valued and wanted any future children of mine to attend also. My twins are now finishing their first year of school at the private school I attended. I pay for their tuition and my husband knew they would be going as I made it very clear that I valued this. He also agreed that it is a good investment and would want our child to attend also, paying half each when the time comes.

His children do not attend a private school, but attend highly ranked public schools. Since the twins started school his ex has been causing issues and saying that it is unfair and showing favouritism that my children attend a "better" school than theirs. My husband agreed and they applied for the same school, but when time came to accept the offer, BM changed her tune and could no longer afford to pay her half. Note that my husband pays alimony and child support totalling to almost 50% his wage and we pay for most other miscellaneous expenses. My husband asked if I would pay for her half and I said no. Ever since this happened he has been distant and accuses me of not loving his children enough and treating them differently. Yes, I could afford the other half but I don't feel that it is my responsibility. I never ask my husband for any financial help towards the upbringing of my children and wouldn't expect that of him.

I felt confident in my decision to refuse but his constant negativity, the comments from his ex and judgement from his family for not paying are making me doubt myself. Am I in the wrong here?

* ETA, I have offered to pay some of the fees, I offered for us ALL to sit down and discuss finances and abilities to contribute. This was refused and BM shut down and began refusing to pay ANY of the fees. The situation could have been avoided had discussions like these been had prior to application. I was not involved in, only informed of, the application as they "are not my children so it was none of my business". But it is now all my business when they want me to pay for the entire thing. I'm going to talk SO and see if BM wants to open discussions and maybe something can be arranged for the next enrolment!

Also, lots of comments assuming my contributions to the family or that I am treating his children poorly. I have made comments but I'm just going to include it in the post to save repeating myself. I pay 80% of all finances, I pay for our holidays and day trips. All of which we arrange during our time with SKs. I am also the sole contributor to their college funds currently. I completely take on board comments about how the children might feel as ultimately I think this is the most important thing. Conversations with them have ended in them expressing not wanting to move away from friends (12 yo especially), or being neutral either way. This is absolutely something BM pushed for and led, and had she been open from the start I am sure something could have been arranged.

*Added comments

OP

Wow. A lot of assumptions were made in your comment. Lets go through them.

1. SO and I have agreed we will split the cost of tuition equitably.

2. The twins are receiving special treatment for going to a different school. Many blended families have children who attend different schools. As stated, they go to highly ranked public schools and have friendships built and are comfortable and enjoy their schools. They really aren't fussed about wanting to move schools. It is SO and BM who want them to move, this isn't a desire expressed by the children and had it been I would have potentially felt differently.

3: I don't value or care about my stepchildren. Because I'm not paying 35k a year for them to move school? BM is refusing to pay despite it being her who is adamant they go. She makes enough through her job, alimony and CS to pay for her half, would you accuse her of not valuing or caring about her children because she is choosing not to spend that money on the school?

4: I can afford it and won't, why? The money that could be spent on it is currently being put into savings accounts for ALL children's college/future funds. Funds which I am the only parent to put money into... but again, I don't care about or value my SKs. I also pay 80% of the household bills, pay for all groceries and the majority of family holidays, day trips etc. All of which are booked and arranged during SOs custody time, so they never miss out, of course I treat them so different and I'm an evil stepmom! SO contributes nothing to my twins and I am the sole financial provider for them (as my post states, their father passed away), and has point blank refused to pay for anything for them in the past as they are not his children.

5. My SO and his ex are treating all 4 children equally. How? As I said, my SO has no financial responsibility towards the twins. As SKs mother, how can she treat two children she spends no time with and has no responsibility for equal to her children? By your logic, all four children's tuition costs should be divided by 3 and split among each parent in that case. Which, I did even offer to pay a portion towards the tuition, but I am not paying the full cost when they have parents who are fully capable of paying themselves.

*More info

Thank you for this comment. I feel like I am being villainized for not wanting to pay for 4 children's education expenses when BM and SO both reached an "agreement" on paying for this, without my input. I don't see how it has fallen completely on me now that they don't want to follow through.

The comments talking about how "poorly" I apparently treat my SKs are crazy. My SO has told me time and time again that my twins are not his, and he shouldn't be expected to love them the same as his children. HIS words, NOT mine. My twins live with him 24/7 and he barely even interacts with them. I'm not allowed any input in the lives of his children because I am "not their mother", but I am good enough to cover their mother's responsibilities when it suits them? He set this precedent of "his" kids and "my" kids.

In all honesty, the comments calling me an AH and accusing me of treating the children differently have actually opened my eyes to how my twins are being treated by their stepdad. Right now I feel like I am failing them by putting them in a situation where they don't receive any love from their SP. I don't even mean financially, I mean emotionally.

I'd be more than willing for SO and I to cover the school between us, if the CS and alimony is reduced somewhat. They both know this. I have offered this multiple times, along with paying 1/3rd of the cost or them choosing to use the money I have saved for their college funds to go to the school. I think my offers have been more than fair, but I guess by reading some comments I haven't. Going to discuss this further with SO, in regards to him going to court for adjustments, and getting couples counselling. I'm not okay with being taken advantage of or the way that ANY of the children are being treated here.

One more comment from OP

Neither my husband, nor his ex are poor, they are both educated with good jobs. We all are. My husband wants no responsibility for my children but you expect me to assume total responsibility for his, but only when it comes to money, because I'm not allowed to be a part of any other parenting discussions... why? The precedent of his and mine was set by him. He was happy with his children in their school before mine attended school. He made a huge fuss about how their school fees were MY responsibility as it was something that was important to me and how he shouldn't be expected to pay for any of it. And do I think the kids see that I supposedly am a wicked step-mom... no I don't think that is how they feel. They don't want to move schools. They have college funds that they wouldn't have if I wasn't paying into, they go on multiple holidays a year and are very happy children, by their own admissions.

May 27th, 2024

Firstly, thank you to everyone for all of the advice, suggestions, and overall support. I wasn't sure I would update on the situation, as it seemed like something that would be an ongoing discussion. However, I guess this update post is in fact nothing to do with the issue of private school.

After reading comments and doing some reflection, I initiated a conversation with him to discuss everything. I once again suggested decreasing child support and alimony and paying together. But I also brought up how unfair it feels that he and his ex have teamed up against me in this situation, and I do not feel that we have been behaving as a partnership. I brought up my grievances regarding feeling used and unappreciated, and how he treats my twins being unacceptable. I voiced my desire for us to have time apart and get into therapy, saying that I needed some space to think as I was unhappy with the effect this was having on the children. I won't rehash the entire argument but after talking about how I feel his relationship with his ex was inappropriate and crossed some boundaries, I was made aware that he and his ex have slept together multiple times during our relationship. I don't have much else to say, I feel completely numb. I have asked him to leave (the house is mine, before I get comments), and I am talking to a divorce lawyer. For those who asked, I do have a prenup and we have only been married for just over a year. He swears that it was a mistake and he regrets it, that he loves me and wants to be with me. According to him it "just happened" and I should be more understanding that they have a history together and he didn't mean anything to happen.

I don't know that I will be replying to any comments or updating anymore as there is nothing left to say. I need time and space to heal and to work on being the best mother I can be. I am feeling probably every emotion possible right now. I feel like a complete failure. I have a lot to figure out, especially as we have a baby together. He hasn't asked to see his daughter, or step kids since leaving, despite me reaching out to ask if he wants to see our daughter.

Once again, thank you for all the initial support I received.

Added comments

Commenter

Wow, how did he even bring up that news??

OP

The conversation was over like 6 hours, on and off. It would be an essay to rehash the entire thing, not to mention I was incredibly emotional and wouldn't be able to recall everything crystal clear, but after hours of arguing and me being suspicious about their relationship being, in my opinion, too close and overstepping boundaries, I said I wouldn't be surprised if he still loved her or was still involved. I have seen texts pop up that were suspicious, but not exactly outright "proof" of anything. The argument went from being about finances and private school to his relationship with his ex. He broke down, typical, and "confessed" while trying to downplay it. He thinks he now deserves some sort of recognition for his honesty.

Commenter

It’s best if you stay single until your kids are grown. Now you’re a single mom of 3 kids. They need stability

OP

I have made zero comments about wanting to date again? I am about to divorce someone and have just found out I have been being used. I can assure you, dating is the last thing on my mind. Not to mention my trust is completely shattered. I have only spoken about focusing on my children and being the best mom I can be. But again, thank you for your advice! : )

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS u/

Originally posted on

Content warning: death from car accident

1 update - short

- April 6th, 2024

- June 2nd, 2024

AITA For Telling My Sister That She Shouldn't Overvalue Herself And Prepare For The Worse?

Throwaway Account

I (21f) Have an older sister "Eve" (29f) who had her first child, "Lori" (1f) and while this should be a time of joy an excitement there's actually a lot of tension and brewing resentment between her, our mom, and her husband "Jack" (29m). Despite it being unplanned Eve's pregnancy was wanted and Jack was an involved partner. He went to most of Eve's appointments, took the birthing classes, and supported Eve's decision to just have our mom in the room while he wanted outside when she gave birth.

The plan was for our mom to be by Eve's side in the room and to help stay for a week after Lori was born. Everyone was cool with this but unfortunately our aunt got into some drama with her husband in another state and our mom rushed over to be at her sister's side. Eve was already in her 3rd trimester so Jack didn't like the idea of our mom going and voiced it. Our mom tore Jack a new one and Eve even got on his case about it so he apologized. However, Eve ended up going into labor and Jack ultimately was the one in the room while our mom was away.

When she called, our mom expressed being sad over not being there for the birth of her first grandchild and she and Eve decided that no one else in the family would see Lori until she got back. Without discussing it with Jack. He was understandably not happy as his mom lived about 45 minutes away and was looking forward to meeting Lori too as she was the first grandchild on both sides. Eve pulled the "I just gave birth" card and Jack reluctantly allowed it. On the day that our mom was supposed to come back she missed her flight and couldn't get a new one until the following morning. Our mom could've just rented a car but she didn't want to spend the money since the airline wouldn't refund the money.

Jack was brought up allowing his mom to come again, but Eve refused citing that he already agreed. Unfortunately, Jack's mom was in a car accident and passed before ever getting to meet Lori since Eve wouldn't even allow a video chat. Jack was distraught, he moved to the guest bedroom, went to the funeral alone and refuses to engage with Eve at all.

Jack's side of the family keeps calling and messaging Eve to tell her what a selfish and awful person she is and Jack refuses to defend. Eventually, Eve got sick of it and packed up and left to our mom's house to "teach Jack a lesson" but he hasn't texted or called. Our mom thinks that he just needs some space and that he'll call soon but I just laughed at that. Didn't mean to though.

My mom and Eve asked me why I laughed and I tried to brush it off or even leave but they couldn't let me and pressed for answer. Eventually, I told her that while the accident wasn't her fault she did keep Lori away from Jack's mom meeting her for a week and now she never will. There's no way Jack is going to ever love you enough to forgive that and that you should prepare for the worst. Eve started to bawl her eyes out while mom berated me so I left. AITA?

Edit: Just to clarify because I keep seeing this when the accident first happened Eve has apologized three separate times (Jack has admitted to this) and Eve intended to go to the funeral with him but he drove off without her. Jack does interact with Lori it's Eve that he's icing out and my niece is the only thing he's willing to talk to Eve about. Jack had been living in the guest room for 5 months before Eve left. She's offered to go to couple's counseling but Jack has refused.

VERDICT: NTA

Relevant Comments

Fantastic-Mango-7440

Probably would get downvoted [editor's note: this comment has 9.1k upvotes], but who cares? NTA. Your mom showed time and time again that her first niece granddaughter isn't that important to her. The fact that Jack's mom would never meet her niece is something that Jack would never get over and he is right. His mom was denied acces cause the other grandmother would rather cater to her adult sister than meeting her granddaughter. That woman died with the wish to see her first granddaughter. Jack and the rest of the family are never going to forgive your sister for this. Hopefully they won't take it on the baby.

Simple_Practice8535

Damn, every bit of this story is just sad. Eve sure is delusional. The fact that Jack didn't just let his mom come from the start is amazing. It is incredibly unfair to impose this. Honestly, this mix of emotions (newborn + mother dying) must be overwhelming. I hope someone is keeping an eye on Jack...

Because it was just supposed to be one week. No one saw this accident coming and Jack didn't want to stress out my sister (who had just even birth). He was trying to respect her wishes and got screwed over because of it.

Update - 2 months later

Hey!

It's been a couple of weeks and due to people still occasionally asking I thought I'd give a people some quick updates to the situation. Here are the basic bullet points:

• My sister has now been officially diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and that is the trump card/Hail Mary of the situation.

• My sister and her husband are living together again and in couple's therapy.

• My sister is in individual counseling.

• My niece has now been officially introduced to a few members of her paternal size and they all love her.

• Jack's family have ceased their negative comments about my sister but she says that they're still pretty formal and distant towards her. I honestly don't know if she'll ever be in their good graces again and will only put up with her for my BIL and niece's sake.

• My niece's name first and middle is going to be legally changed to whatever Jack wants.

• For the next five years BIL's side of the family is getting priority when it comes to any and all holidays.

• My mom will be on a strict info diet when it comes to the baby. No pictures unless Jack approves.

This is all I know for right now and my mom is NOT happy with any of this and is calling Jack a controlling AH but my sister is holding firm in an effort to save her marriage. She claims that BIL and her are making progress in counseling and I hope for her sake that it's true. It's gonna suck not being able to see my niece as much as I wanted for the next possible few years but compared to never being able to see her at all (like Jack's mom) it is what it is. I know a lot of you may not be happy with this update but it is what it is for now.

Relevant Comments

kat1850

Im actually kinda happy with this update.

His family will forever hold this against her, and she probably will never be completely in their good graces again. This is all she can hope for TBH.

Also, your mother doesn't get to he unhappy. She put everyone before meeting the baby, causing Jack's mother to never meet her grandchild.

crocodilezebramilk

Did Jack not have any say in his own daughter’s name?

How enmeshed is your mom and sister why your mother got to push Jack out of the whole thing?

From my understanding Eve picked the first and provided a list of middle names that Jack could choose from, and then my niece got Jack's surname.

sheramom4

I don't how I feel about this. Changing the baby's name after a year to whatever the husband wants? Priority for holidays for five years? No pictures for your mom unless Jack approves of it? This seems like jumping from the frying pan directly into the fire. If these are the terms set up by Jack in order to "save" the marriage...one, I doubt the marriage counselor knows about these specific ones I mentioned and two, is it even worth saving? Your sister has no autonomy over their child, no autonomy over her schedule, no ability to share a photo with her mother. You have limited contact with your niece. Who really won here other than Jack and his family who might, someday, be nice to your sister?

Yes, your sister was wrong in the original post. Of course she was. But not ONE things on this list can change what happened. Not one. And this parts of this list sound like they could lead to some DV situations in the future on Jack's part. Isolation from support systems is one of those factors.

Who really won here other than Jack and his family who might, someday, be nice to your sister?

Jack's mom suddenly passed away, and she was a loving and sweet person. I wouldn't exactly call it a "win."

Also from what Eve has told me it's not "isolation" so much as strict boundaries. Eve said that these restrictions were only for the baby and that she's able to still have regular contact with whoever she chooses.

sheramom4

Jack's mom passed away because of a tragic accident that no one could have predicted. Why do you repeatedly use this as the basis for your posts? Your sister didn't kill her. Your sister didn't cause the accident.

How will changing the baby's name, monopolizing holidays, and not allowing your sister to share photos of her child change what happened? It won't. This list reads as a revenge fantasy.

II won't deny that Jack is taking advantage of the situation. He's hurt and angry and very resentful. He laid out his terms and Eve is agreeing to them. Plus they're in counseling. It's not ideal but it is what it is.

Marked ongoing 'cause, yeah...

Reminder, this is a repost. I am not OOP.

No brigading, no harassment.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing

8 updates - Long

- 15th September 2023

- 19th September 2023

- 30th September 2023

- 4th October 2023

- 23rd November 2023

- 29th January 2024

- 1st March 2024

- 7th March 2024

- 28th May 2024

Getting my teen daughter need tips

Hi dads, when I (m32) was a teenager I dated a girl “K” One day K broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation. Fast forward 15ish years later. The police showed up at my apartment

Long story short K was pregnant with my kid 15 years ago. She got charged with a bunch of drug charges and when they asked if her daughter could go to any family she said I was the dad. Well after a paternity test, I do have a 15 year old daughter with K.

So my daughter Is going to come live with me today. I'm not a “dad” I don't have kids or a significant other, just dogs. So I'm pretty clueless when it comes to being a dad or taking care of a kid especially one who's a teenager.

After talking with her social worker, she says she's K was neglectful to my daughter and isn't going to be used to being taken care of or having structure which will be a big adjustment for her. The social worker says I need to be patient with her and just show her love and support even if she doesn't want it.

I have a room all ready for her in my apartment It is pretty basic because I didn't want to overwhelm her. So yeah she's coming today… just hoping for some support maybe some tips.

Comments

crypticedge

Start by talking to her. Let her know you're here for her. Get to know her, and then support her interests and hobbies. Let her decide how she wants to decorate her room.

It's a bit more work starting from the middle like you are, because you weren't there to learn who she was as she was figuring it out herself.

Make the environment safe and welcoming to her, and give her the privacy she needs. She's not in a position she needs someone to come down hard on her, she's in a position she needs someone that she knows she can turn to no matter what is wrong.

OOP: I met her twice definitely more difficult starting from the middle it would be a lot easier with a little kid or baby

I know this is a big adjustment for both of us so I'm not going to try and go all strict dad on her it's more about support I think

IlexAquifolia

You don’t want to be overly strict, but most kids (even teens who swear they don’t) do better with structure. Don’t go overboard scheduling her day, but create firm and reasonable boundaries and stick to them. Especially anything related to health and safety, like curfews, vetting people she hangs out with, etc.

OOP: Yeah that's what her social worker was saying the best thing she needs is to have some structure

The past few days with my daughter now living with - 4 days later

I (32) posted on Friday that my daughter (15) was coming to live with me. Who I had no idea about until her mother went to jail on a bunch of drug charges. It has been a big adjustment for both my daughter and myself. I told her when I first picked her up that I know this is very new for both of us so I know it's going to take some time to adjust.

She has been through a lot from what I can tell. She's very underweight, and not used to constantly having meals. I put a snack bin in her room so she hopefully doesn't feel the need to hide food at least stuff that isn't supposed to be left out. I told her she could get food from the kitchen whenever she wanted but that seemed to overwhelm her so it's now a snack bin. I also have breakfast and dinner (lunch on weekends) at a consistent time so she just knows a meal is going to happen. She also has nightmares and screams, of course, she hasn't told me what they're about (I don't expect her to yet) but whatever it was it was it was traumatic for her. So I'm in the process of finding a therapist for her.

For some more positive things, I got her to open up enough to find out some things about her. Firstly, she loves my dogs we took them on a walk together. She's smart loves to read. And she likes to play basketball. I of course told her some stuff about me.she's pretty quiet and reserved. I expected her to not be really open with me considering I am a stranger to her. But things so far aren't too bad going relatively well.

Good but sad moment with my daughter - 11 days later

So probably a lot of you guys seen the post about me (m32) recently finding out about my 15 year old daughter and getting custody of her.

Well things have been going pretty good so far, today she was sitting in the kitchen doing homework and once she finished she started playing with my dogs but left a few papers out after putting the rest away I asked what those are she said oh just some test I had this week… I asked if I could see them.

She said sure she had gotten A’s on 3 test (chemistry, history, and geometry) after being at the school for less than 2 weeks. I was honestly very impressed not because I don't think she's not smart but because She just started at a new school and is having big life adjustment. I told her that was amazing and ended up going on about how at her age I didn't care about the school aspect of school just cared about sports and my friends.

She said I enjoy learning and reading it helps me get away from life... Then it hit me it was her way of escaping from the assumingly not good life with her mom and focus her mind on something else like learning and reading. It honestly makes me really sad to think about…

Comments

CaptainLawyerDude

Celebrate the wins, dad! Showing encouragement and interest in her academic success/talent will only help her treat it as a positive gift rather than an “escape.”

OOP: I could tell she is used to not getting encouraged or at least told a good job because she kept saying yeah but it's no big deal

Daughter broke my heart - 4 days later

I (m32) have been posting on here kind of a lot recently. Basically, I recently not only found out but also got custody of my 15 year old daughter. Even though I don't know a lot just based on speculation her mom wasn't a good mother and the poor girl has been through a lot.

Earlier we were out to eat because I didn't feel like cooking and I found out my daughter never had tacos. So we went out for tacos, and we were having a very casual conversation until a mother with her two young daughters (I would say both girls under 10) came in you could just tell the girls were having fun with their mom and all 3 just clearly loved each other. Well, my daughter got quiet and kept staring at them. I didn't want to pry so I kept quiet. She didn't say anything until randomly on the drive home she said sometimes it's hard seeing girls have a good relationship with their mom… I get jealous because my mom and I never did. Then she started crying and let me know she wanted to be left alone the rest of the night.

It was hard seeing her cry and upset it is also difficult to know even though I'm now around in my daughter's life and I'm trying to be a good parent. she still spent the first 15 years of her life not having a good relationship with her mom and I can't fix that I wish I could but I can't which sucks because she didn't deserve to be neglected and possibly abused. I'm just in my feelings and really sad for my daughter.

Comments

HPPTC

Hey man, been following this journey and you are doing fucking AMAZING. This 15yo girl who has been so much shared that with you, communicated her feelings and communicated her desires about how she wanted to cope with them? That is some serious fucking growth. Keep killing it, sir.

Got called dad for the first time - 7 weeks later

I (m32) have shared here about my getting full custody of my daughter (15) who I did not know about. It has been a little over 2 months, she gives me a hard time honestly. I haven't yelled at her or anything like that I understand she's been through it we’re both in therapy to help.

Well, this whole week she has been really rude and arguing with me it has been very rough. During one of the arguments she ended up telling me some very personal stuff I'm not going to share but I will say she had a very rough start to life. I was trying my best to comfort her she seemed like she was having a panic attack.

We were just sitting in silence and she said you know you're pretty good at the whole dad thing for being a newbie. I laughed and said thank you and told her being her dad had been enjoyable… it was silent for a while but then she said thanks, Dad.

that made my whole year to be honest been having a bit of happy tears

Comments

Swissarmyspoon

It may feel like a rollercoaster, but the two weeks of rough behavior, followed by this conversation, might all be a part of a linear increase of trust in you. Folks hold in their tantrums around strangers and let out their roughest feelings around the folks they trust.

So congratulations on building that trust.

Daughter has leukemia - 2 months later

I (m32) have shared quite a few posts on here about finding out I had a teen daughter with an ex of mine. My daughter was also neglected and both physically and mentally abused by her mother. After drug charges, she came to live with me.

Things have been going well she even once referred/called me dad. We still have tough days but therapy has helped her a lot and I'm even in therapy now to help with this big life adjustment.

A little over a month ago my daughter started feeling fatigued, was losing weight (that sadly took a while for her to gain), and was pale and just seemed unwell. I was worried and started taking her to the doctors they were convinced it was just a bad cold that was going around. But it lasted way longer than any cold should. So I took her to other doctors. One recently decided to run some tests I honestly didn't know what would be wrong with her at certain points I figured I was a new dad and just over-worrying about my daughter.

Today we found out she has Leukemia… this poor girl has had such a tough life already and now this. I am pissed… I am upset… I am terrified. I've had family members go through chemo so I know it's no easy task and that'll mentally be hard on both of us. Extremely physically hard on my poor girl. She hasn't said much since we found out earlier this morning.

I would just like you guys to send good vibes/messages and possibly advice if you have any.

Comments

content_great_gramma

Since she likes to read, an Amazon kindle would be a perfect gift. Kindle unlimited is about $12 a month and has literally thousands of books. My wish list goes from here (Georgia) to Detroit. There are also free books in the Kindle store.

You became a dad to a teenager at 32. You are doing a remarkable job of parenting. Just be patient (it is hard even with a healthy teen LOL) with her. Always let her know you love her and will support her no matter what.

I do hope that her leukemia is treatable. They are making tremendous strides in treatment and cures.

Update on my teen daughter - 1 month later

I have shared a lot here about my daughter (f15). I didn't know about her until the police came to my door wondering if I could take her in. Her mother my ex was neglectful, mentally and sometimes physically abusive towards my daughter. I was just working on building a relationship with her and we were starting to get close.

A little Over a month ago she got diagnosed with cancer… leukemia specifically… life has not been fair at all to this poor girl. She has been doing inpatient chemo for almost a month now that's been rough. She's either quiet or verbally attacking me and taking her anger out on me. I haven't said much about that I understand she's angry I mean she's only 15 a sophomore in high school and has been through so much. She's been doing virtual therapy sessions with her therapist and talking to people at the hospital as well.

She's coming home in a few days she will hopefully he'll, be able to relax in her bed, she gets to see my dogs which she loves dearly. It's been mentally draining for both of us (mostly her I know ).

She lost most of the weight she was able to gain living with me (she was extremely underweight when she came to live with me) even with antinausea meds she just doesn't have an appetite right now. Chemo has made reading harder and she refuses to listen to audiobooks so she's grumpy about not reading since it's something that has always brought her comfort. And it's just clear she's upset and frustrated which is understandable and why I let her kind of get upset with me but I do let her know that what she says hurts me… but I know she's a teenager who has been hurt her whole life and now going through something extremely difficult.

Comments

not-wanted-on-voyage

Oh mate. I've followed your posts and have nothing but respect and admiration for you. You have seriously stepped up and are doing an amazing job.

The fact that she is taking this out on you means she trusts you. She knows she can be mad and push you and you'll still be there. I'd say that is a testament to the work you've put in, and to your character. Just keep doing what you are doing, you have great instincts.

One thing you can acknowledge is that it is still ok to have and maintain boundaries. She is naturally going to lash out, I'd say that is expected in this sort of situation. But you're allowed to call her out gently when she's in a good space, let her know that you are there and not going anywhere. That you have her back and that you can't imagine what she's going through. That you're proud of how strong she's being, but that it would be nice if you could fight this battle as a team. It's you two against the problem - not each other. Maybe redefining it in that way will reduce the flak you're getting.

It might not tho. She may just need to be incredibly angry and focus that on you, in which case your job is to take it, and come back here for some perspective and support. We've got your back, just like you have hers. DM if you like.

OOP: Thank you Man, I figured it's a good to an extent because just the things I know she could have never been like that with her mother who she has known her whole life, it does hurt a lot but I know it's just something she needs to do right now

Update on my daughter - 6 days later

Hi everyone this is with permission from her I'm posting a picture of my daughter coming home from a month of inpatient chemo.

I'm the one who posts on here a lot about how I got my daughter who I didn't know about. My last post was about dealing with her new cancer diagnosis. She was super happy to be home, be able to lay/ sleep in her own bed, see our dogs.

I have been reading to her we (I) started the Divergent book series which is actually really good I've never read them before.

Since being home she has been in a better mood compared to being in the hospital but chemo / cancer has been still so mentally difficult on her. It's also been hard on me not in the same way of course but just because I love her and hate seeing her go through this especially after everything she's been through. She also tends to take her frustration out on me verbally which is okay… I know this is hard on her. She's only 15 and has been through a lot.

Anyway just wanted to give a bit of an update on everything.

Comments

VelvetThunder141

Of all the dads she could have ended up with, after everything she's been through, and everything she had happen after she found you, I'm glad she found you. I'm quite sure she is too. Not everyone would have stepped up in the way you did, in the way she needed.

OOP: Thank you I've been just trying my best

Update on daughter - 3 months later

Hi everyone! It's been a while. I have shared many posts about my 15 year old daughter who I didn't know existed until 8 months ago. It has been challenging especially with her getting diagnosed with cancer (leukemia).

Well, she has been so strong during this fight against Leukemia. I am beyond proud of her she is such a strong young lady who has gone Through so much throughout her life.

Well, tomorrow starts a whole new chapter for my daughter. She's getting a stem cell transplant!! It won't be easy but if it goes good this is going to do her so much good and my daughter will finally be able to live the life she deserves. So today she is getting spoiled by me and my whole family because for a while things are going to be really difficult for her.

So please send good vibes and thoughts our way and I also want to thank everyone for all the love and support we have gotten on here.

Comments

bebepothos

I’ve been eager for an update from you! I’m so so glad things are looking up for her. This will be challenging but she’s got this. She has an amazing support system behind her thanks to her wonderful dad and the family he’s given her. 🙂 what you’ve done for her honestly makes me emotional and you should be endlessly proud of yourself. You’re probably the most selfless person on Reddit. I wish I could bake you guys some cookies or something. Please continue with updates whenever you’re able! I’ll be sending all my most positive and healing energy her way for this next chapter. She’s strong. She’s got this. Please tell her the internet is rooting for her!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to (german )

Posts were translated from German to English.

May 7, 2024

Hello everyone,

I am a bit upset right now, so please forgive any confusion, but I need advice that I can't piece together on my own.

I'll keep it short:

• I have been living in another city about 300 km away from home since 2018.

• My wife and I got married civilly last year and are celebrating our "big" wedding on Saturday.

• My father has had cancer for several years, which has metastasized. Metastases have formed in his spine. His current life expectancy is 3-24 months.

Today, my father was at a routine check-up for his cancer and was admitted to the neurological emergency department. One of the metastases in his spine needs to be removed very urgently, as otherwise, he could face paraplegia in the next few weeks. He has an MRI appointment tomorrow, with possibly the emergency surgery right after.

My father told me this on the phone and is devastated. The poor man is 74, and I have never heard him cry like this before. He was so looking forward to the celebration since he doesn't have much time left.

I want to somehow let him be a part of the celebration. I told him to do what the doctor tells him. We had the idea of including him in the ceremony via a tablet, so he can witness it and also sending him individual recordings. We also want to have a small belated celebration back home, with family and friends from there, with all the people he knows and likes.

I am completely empty inside. I don't know what to do or how to still bring him this joy somehow.

Does anyone have any good advice?

Peppys_Dosenoeffner comments: Contact the Arbeiter-Samariter-Bund in your district or your father's district. They have a project called "Wünschewagen" (Wish Wagon). They fulfill last wishes and organize medical transportation, including on-site care. Maybe that could be a way for your father to attend.

OP: I will call them today, thank you!

May 26, 2024

Hello everyone,

First of all, I would like to thank you all very much, also on behalf of my wife. Your contributions have given us immense strength and confidence that we can somehow manage this.

Sorry for the delay in the update. A week after the wedding, my mother had to go to the hospital for a breast cancer operation. When it rains, it pours, right?

My father had an MRI on Wednesday which revealed that while the situation is pretty bad, it is not as severe as indicated in the previous report from another hospital where my father had received treatment. (I don't know if I mentioned it in the heat of the moment, but he had another therapy at a different hospital 3-4 weeks ago, and it was their report that made the local doctors react the way they did.)

After consulting, they gave my father something on Friday (I have no idea if it was an injection or a pill or whatever, he just said in his Allgäu dialect, "Yeah, yeah, they gave me something.") and decided that surgery was not immediately necessary, but further radiation therapy would be conducted.

This took place this week while my mom was in the hospital as described above, which is why I was at my father's place in Allgäu to take care of him in the meantime.

All in all, we narrowly avoided the worst-case scenario, although surgery is still not completely off the table.

My father was able to attend the wedding as he wished. My parents traveled with their camper and set up a bed where my father could rest and regain his strength. Both of them were present for about 90% of the event, which is much longer than I had hoped for. I am super happy and relieved that it turned out so well and just as we all had wished.

The "Wünschewagen" would have potentially taken on the case, but they also wanted to wait for the doctor's assessment first. Definitely a big recommendation to donate to them.

No joke, I could never have imagined how much support we received here and how quickly. Especially so many good pieces of advice, discussions, and ideas.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart ❤️ This gave us, and especially my father, a lot of hope in this shitty situation and uncertainty ❤️

Thank you

Reminder - this is a repost. Please don't comment on the original post.

I am NOT OP. The OOP is by in and his user account

content warnings: suicidal thoughts

mood spoilers: still sad, but some hope

Ongoing as per OOP, no recent updates

2 updates - Long

- 25 June 2023

- 31st July 2023

- 2nd November 2023

I am done, and I'm am heartbroken. I have no one.

I have been married for 15 years. I have known my wife since I was 8. We have 3 daughters together. 17, 14, and 11.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm an outsider in my relationships with all of them. I'm just an ATM and taxi service to my kids. My wife hasn't kissed me in 6 months. She has not said that she loves me in 1.5 years. No matter how much I communicate, try to plan anything or do anything it is always shot down, forgotten, or dismissed. I don't get angry in don't yell. I don't get physical.

I like to splurge during birthdays and mothers Day. I throw parties and give gifts and try to show how much I love them. I get a lukewarm, thanks, and if I'm lucky, a side hug that lasts .0001 seconds.

This week was the breaking point. Father's Day. I wake up to an empty house. Odd. No note, nothing was written on the calendar, and nothing said beforehand. I send a text, and I get back. "I took the girls out for a spa day, don't wait up." Then nothing, literally nothing. Dinner time comes around, and they get home. How their say was (it was fine). I ask what they would like for dinner. "Nothing we already ate at [one of my favorite restaurants]." Cool, whatever. There is no mention of it being fathers Day. No, I love you, how are you. Nothing.

Fast forward to Wednesday. Which was my birthday. Nothing. Literally again, nothing. I suggested plans. They get shot down. I suggested food. Nope, shot down. Ask about watching a movie they are all too busy (they just sat on their phones doing nothing).

Now to Thursday night. I'm in bed. My wife is next to me. She rolls over and says in a crappy tone. "Oh, your birthday was the other day. I guess you expect to have sex." That broke something in me(best of my memory of how it went down)

I said "no I don't expect sex. At this point, I don't expect anything anymore."

Her "what is that supposed to mean?"

So I started asking her questions

When was the last time we shared a kiss? (Like a week? Nope, it was in December, and it was during her parents' holiday party)

When was the last time we had sex? (The beginning of the year? Nope, wrong it has been over a year. She was adamant that we did it in February. I was dealing with my moms health and her passing. So I said something like, "You may have had sex but it wasn't with me.")

When was the last time you said you love me? ("I say it all the time." Not to me, check your messages/you don't say it to me face to face. "Well, you should just know I do.")

When was the last time we went on a date? (LONG pause)

Her: You're being unfair.

Emotions turned on fully. I was crying and raising my voice at this point.

It asks her how? She can't answer. I asked her how wanting any sign of love from anyone in the house is unfair. If expecting anything for my birthday or Father's Day was unfair. (She got an oh shit look) Yeah, you forgot that as well. I'm not an ATM, I'm not a taxi service, I'm not a punching bag.

She asked why this was coming up "out of the blue." It didn't. I have tried to talk to my family and again get dismissed or ignored. I brought up examples. I got an "I didn't know you were serious." "I didn't know it was such a big deal."

I left saying something to the point of "If you want to pretend that I'm invisible and don't exist fine, you don't have to pretend anymore."

I left the house at almost midnight. On Thursday/ Friday morning. Haven't been home since. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm finally sober enough to think, but I don't know what to do(first time drinking in over 15 years BTW, and i'm not going to drink anymore)

I love my family. But I can't keep this up. I don't know what more I can do. I think they would be happier without me. They already act like I don't exist. I can't be the one who is blamed for everything. If I truly am the problem then me not being there should fix it. I can't do it anymore.

I have tried to be a good provider, a good partner, and a good dad. Never missed an event of our kids. Never prioritize work. I kept good hours so I could see them more. Took on more responsibility to better our life and future. But, it is never appreciated. It is never enough. I am never enough.

I only have one message from my wife "I'm sorry for making you feel that way. We all love you, and we are here for you when you want to come home and talk." That is it. No other messages. No calls. Nothing from the kids. I feel like if they really wanted me there, they would try reaching out more. All of the kids have their own phone. I don't know what she told them. I'm sure they heard me raise my voice. Me raising my voice would have definitely got their attention since i never do. I'm sure they heard me leave. I just don't know.

Eta. Thanks, everyone. I did not think anyone would care. You have given me some hope and advice I'm going to look into. I don't know how to respond to a lot of the comments (I know how to just not in words). I'm going to try to figure thing out more. I'm now 100% sober, so my mind, I clearer. I'm going to start meeting with people on Monday and try to come up with options.

Comments

Hating_Everything76

This made me want to cry. I’m so sorry you are treated this way. I can’t imagine ignoring Father’s Day or my dads birthday. And that expecting sex comment your wife said was absolutely horrible. I hope things improve for you, you deserve it.

Update 1 - 1 month later

I have not been well. But am doing better. You guy's have helped me a lot and it means more than you know.

I was able to get help through my work they have resources for both therapy as well as legal counsel. But somehow my boss found out I was reaching out and now won't leave me alone but that's unimportant. I know she only has good intentions.

So far, I like the new therapist I was able to get an appointment with (I thought there would be a long wait list). She recommended a family/spousal therapist as she focuses more on individuals. I talked to them as well.

I got referred to divorce lawyers. I don't want to use them, but I had a talk with them and got an idea of what that route would be like. I'll be like 70% screwed. But we are an at fault state, so if it turns out she is cheating, I'll be okay ish.

My kids did reach out after a few days worried. I told them I'm fine, do truly love them, and miss them but needed space and time. For the first time ever, I missed some of their extracurricular activities. I think that is what made them understand something was really wrong. Some other family members/"friends" noticed and started asking questions to all involved. My kids also mentioned how things were not the same without me around, and my wife was struggling.

My wife reached out a few times just checking in, "apologizing," giving me updates on things, and a couple of the times, she asked about the 4th of July. We usually host a party/BBQ. I said I wasn't interested. But, I said that her and I needed to talk alone in person. That happened the weekend after the 4th.

Apparently, she was planning the 4th as a surprise bday party for me (after I had left) to make up for forgetting my birthday. But I ruined it as I didn't go and wasn't interested.

When we met up to talk, she wasn't alone and brought the kids. I was happy to see them. They seemed happy to see me as well. But I asked for my wife and I to talk alone. When I pointed this out, she said the kids missed me, and it was fine. we can talk with them here.(I believe it was more of a manipulative move).

I explained that this was another example of how my feelings or wants get ignored and cast aside. How I have been ignored for a while and how that is not right by anyone. She kept apologizing. I said while I acknowledged the apologies, I don't accept them. Most of the apologies, to me, feel like they are not real. Such as her initial "apology" of "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or they sound forced/just saying what she thinks i want to hear. Actions speak louder those empty words.

I also said that she is setting an example and expectations on how I'm treated and how our daughters will see and treat me and their future relationships. As of now, no one should be treated this way. I think at this point, my wife regretted bringing the kids.

My 14 year old took my 11 year old for some snacks. My 17 year old stayed.

I flat out asked if there was anyone else. If she was cheating physically/ emotionally or otherwise. She looked like I had just slapped her. She said she would never do that. I asked why she was so adamant about us having sex if February (daughter left at this point) when it has been longer. Why has every part of our romance died within a year span from her part. She didn't know.

We talked for an additional 20 min. I finally took out two folders I had with me. One was a separation document (not quite a divorce, but halfway to it). The other was therapist referrals for individuals and couples. I needed her to understand how serious I/this situation was. I asked her to look over each other and ask herself what she wanted. But she had to make the decision and schedule the appointments.

I explained that I'm done living this way, and if she chooses to stay with me, then there are going to be major changes occurring both in our relationship and at home. I love the woman I married, had kids with, and built a life together. But I don't know where she went.

My kids came back, and my 11 year old was mad I wasn't going back with them that night.

I gave my wife time. She contacted me the next day, saying she has made appointments for herself and for her and I. She explained that she set up some bi-weekly individual therapy and we have our first couples therapy early next month. The reason for the wait was so she could establish/work on herself first.

I have been using the "Gray Rock" method towards her since the initial incident per yours and my therapist's recommendations.

So, it's still a work in progress. I'm not in as dark of a place as I was when I first posted. Some things are better than it was. I'm willing to put in the work, but it won't be one-sided. There is a plan moving forward, so that's a plus. I have been home for a week now but am sleeping in a different room. Some changes have been put in place already, but time will be the real test.

As a side note on the second night of me being back she actually tried to initiate sex but I said no that it wasn't the time or place for that. We had a lot to work out before that can happen.

As always, piece, love, and chicken grease.

Comments

mak_zaddy

I remember reading your first post and it hurt my heart. I wished I could have climbed thru the phone and give you a giant hug.

This Redditor is so proud of you. I’m proud of you for getting help you need and happy to hear therapy is going well. But as someone who watched my mom disrespect/disregard my dad’s wishes and feelings, I am beyond proud of you for standing firm with her when she brought your daughters.

Lastly, when it comes to the 4th BBQ, you didn’t ruin anything. The bottom line is you were hurt and throwing a party wasn’t going to fix it. Would have it been nice? Absolutely! But I don’t believe any real change would have been possible.

ETA: I also just want to voice how loving you sound as a dad and partner. You deserve to feel loved too and I hope your family realizes that.

I'm alive. And have an update. - 3 months later

After the first post, I planned and almost committed to ending things that night.

I think they would be happier without me. They already act like I don't exist. I can't be the one who is blamed for everything. I can't do it anymore.

I kept going over and over in my head. If I was gone, then their problems would be solved. They could move on with a new dad/husband who they would love more than me. Who they would show more love than they have showed me. I was the cause of everything that went wrong in their life. My wife probably has a replacement that could just step in and be a real dad and husband to them.

Something snapped me out of it. It still sounds weird, but it was as if I could see/hear my 11 year old. She has been the one who has made me feel loved, wanted, and cared for throughout most of this. Both before and after I left.

From what I now understand, my wife was pushing for them to "give me space." But my youngest wouldn't accept it. She kept pushing for them to reach out, track me down, and find me. She had a weird feeling.

I initially hid the fact that I was to the point of ending things to my therapist. After my last update, I told her. She could tell I wasn't as open with her until that point. That changed the tone of our sessions. I have a better understanding and more tools I can use to recognize and help deal with those negative and dark emotions. With that came some diagnosis.

On to my wife. She did commit to her individual therapy. I started to see some changer in her. She has been treating me better. Things were going in more of a positive direction. I still shut down forward advances from her. I found out her therapist was also telling her to stop and earn my trust and that we had to rebuild up to that. But that makes her feel unloved and unwanted. Ironic.

I looked into it if she was cheating, and I found nothing. No text, messages, emails, unexplained expenses, weird locations, absences, photos, apps, nothing. So she is either really good at covering her tracks or she didn't cheat. I expressed that if it ever came out, she did cheat on me it was over.

The first couples session was a long one. The first hour was individual with me. Then my wife. Then both of us. It was useful and helped, but not much. Same with the second session. Which was 2 hours together.

The 3rd was a shit show. This was just after I opened up with my individual therapist about my self-harm thoughts. I just opened up to men and told them everything. Where my head was at. My thoughts at the time. How close I came. What stopped me. How long I had thought about it. Everything.

My wife looked at me with a sense of horror. She looked at me and started yelling and kept repeating, "How could I(me/OP) be so selfish?" Therapist calmed her down, and I started talking again.

I went deeper into how badly my wife and kids hurt me. That there is no way she didn't know about fathers Day or my birthday. How I still suspect that she has been cheating on me. How the dark thoughts started after my mother passed away and my wife stopped being my wife. I don't know what happened to my wife. The woman I loved disappeared. She has been gone for a while/checked out. My wife was loving, playful, honest, trustworthy, a fantastic partner, and the love of my life. I can't be with this stranger she became. I just went off and unloaded.

The therapist said we needed a break to cool down and meet back in 5 minutes. I walked out. I it was being immature, childish, and an AH move.

I when I cooled down enough, I saw I had a bunch of missed calls and texts. My 17 year old ended up picking me up since my car was at home. It was the first time she saw me actively cry. I think that got her to understand how much weight was crushing me. How much their actions have caused me pain. We ended up parked somewhere and just talked. We talked for a long while. More than we had in a long time. I got more out of that conversation that I have in the last few years.

We got back home, and my other two kids ran to me and hugged me. Not like the side hug. But an actual hug. That felt so good. My wife approached me slowly and asked for a hug as well. I gave her half of one and she started crying. We, as a family, hung out for a while, and when bedtime came around, my wife asked to talk.

She did say that she thought she was losing me around when my mom passed. That I had checked out of our marriage. But didn't go in to detail. She said she is still working through some things and when she has a better understanding her self she will bring to the table. She then broke down. She said that she really didn't know how bad it was. She is sorry. But vowed to do anything she can to make it up to me and be a better partner. She is trying. I do see improvement. But why did it have to get to this point?

But now I'm so numb that I keep asking myself if she really meant that or if they are just empty words. I dont know if that is the medication talking or how im thinking now days. Some days I feel like my mind is like when an old TV has the static because of bad signal.

My kids overall are doing better. I still question the older ones sometimes, but I think it is me overthinking. School and activities are keeping them busy.

But one thing that keeps bothering me is I can tell they are walking on egg shells around me. It bothers me. Its like im a jack in the box and they are waiting for me to pop out at them. Therapy(s) is helping over all it just takes time. My therapist said it is like I have been an actor playing a character for so long that I don't know how to be myself. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I feel the truth in it. I need to find myself first and then work on other relationships.

My wife and I did go on a date. She planned it, and it was fun. I had a genuine smile. But in the back of my mind, I was wondering if this was for me or for the US?

I am not sure what will happen in the future. Time will tell.

Comments

bojey

Hey OP, glad to see an update from you. I followed after your last update because I hoped to see things get better.

First, I’m happy you’re still here. I don’t know what words that I can offer that can have any impact, but know that this world is better with you in it. No matter what you think, something like that would hurt your family for the rest of their lives. It’s okay to have had those feelings, but do not convince yourself it would be for their benefit. I do not need to know them to know they would never think that.

Second, it is good to hear your family is taking steps to try and improve their relationship with you. What they cannot do however, is control how you feel about their efforts. They hurt you deeply, that will not change, and that hurt will always be there. If you let every effort they make feel as if they are only trying to make up for the past, you will never be able to move forward. Only they can control what they do and only you can control if you will allow yourself to move past this.

Lastly, commenting on why your wife let this happen at all. You can speculate and search all you want, but that is a poor foundation for trust. She may not have earned that trust right now, but it is something that needs to be repaired in order to have a solid relationship again. It can be easy to be wrapped up in our own problems and our own world, and maybe she allowed that to an extreme. Or maybe she was punishing you for something she felt similarly slighted on. Or maybe it was something more. In any case, communication was one of the largest issues, and it will continue to be unless you give yourselves time to find your feelings and discuss them. Speculation will not help you and if there is something larger, it will come out in time and can be tackled then. She messed up in a big way, she can only earn your trust again if you allow her to do so.

Apologies for the text block. I hope some part of my view on your situation can help you find some inspiration in yourself, or at least some comfort that a stranger hopes and prays you find happiness on the horizon.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous originally posted by

[New Update: 19 Months Update] - My parents wouldn't give me a family ring so I could propose to my girlfriend because my sister isn't married yet

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, golden child syndrome/favoritism

RECAP

: October 27, 2022

Just need to get this off my chest.

My girlfriend's birthday is on Saturday and I plan on proposing to her.

Our anniversary is 6 months from Saturday (April 29) and I think that would be a great day for a wedding.

When my grandma died she left all kinds of jewelry to my mom. She always said if I wanted one of her rings to give to a woman in the future she would let me pick. I know my mom knows she said this. I asked my mom for one of the rings but my mom said "not yet". She and my dad said my sister will be upset if I get engaged while she is still single and not married. It's not a secret that she's desperate to get married. But that's not my problem. My sister turned 29 in March and I turned 31 last month.

My parents said she'll be upset if I get married a month after her 30th birthday. So I went out today and bought a ring. It was never about money because I can afford to buy one. I thought it would be special to give my girlfriend a family ring.

I'm still proposing on Saturday despite my parents forbidding me to. I'm just pissed off that they asked me to hold off until my sister is married when she isn't even in a relationship. Pisses me off but I don't want anything to spoil my girlfriend's birthday.

Comments

ImagineSnapDragons: For her 30th birthday, your parents can gift her therapy. I turned 30 back in August. Never married. You know what happened? Nothing. The world doesn’t end when you’re still single at a certain age.

BrightAd306: That’s so weird. It’s not like you’re 17. A month after she turns 30?! Does she own every month? Just wait until you start having kids or something before her. I get being sensitive to her feelings, but this is way over the top. I mean, they could let her pick a ring first and set it aside for the future.

It sucks that they’re going to be more worried about her feelings than excited for you. Then they’ll wonder why you always spend holidays at the inlaws

: October 30, 2022 (3 days later)

I proposed on Saturday like I originally planned to. I proposed with the ring I bought after my parents denied me one of my grandmother's rings. (As I said in my original post it wasn't about money. I could afford to buy a ring. It was about being sentimental because my grandmother always told me I could have one of her rings).

I didn't do anything elaborate or public. I proposed over breakfast and she said yes. She called it the best birthday gift she's ever gotten. She had the same idea as me and had suggested we get married on April 29, our third anniversary, before I even brought it up. So that's what we are doing. We both agreed we don't anything huge or expensive so we're going to keep it small.

It's 1:15pm now, about 28 hours since I proposed. When we announced the news my sister was upset just like I knew she would be and my parents were mad I didn't listen to them. I'm 31 and don't rely on my parents for money. I told my parents and sister if they are unhappy they can skip the wedding. It would suck if I didn't have any family there but I also don't want them to spoil this. I wasn't going tell my fiancée what went down but I did once my sister started melting down so she wouldn't be blindsided by any of it. She assured me she loves the ring and thinks my family is wrong. Her family had the exact opposite reaction as mine and they are all happy for us.

So that's it. All is well. My fiancée is currently at work and it may sound stupid but I miss her. She told me her coworkers are happy for her and I know mine will be too when I go in later today. EDIT: I also appreciate all the supportive comments in my last post so thanks for those.

Comments

OOP on what happens to the ring if he got married first before his sister does. She would get to keep the rings

OOP: No because my parents said that if my sister was married they would have let me pick one of the rings like my grandmother said I could. ~ My parents said that if my sister was married they would have honoured my grandmother's wishes. Out of all her jewelry I would have only gotten one ring and the rest would go to my sister. There are multiple boxes full of jewelry and multiple rings. She really liked jewelry. I didn't expect my parents not to honour her wishes and especially over something I have no control over.

Fun-Statistician-550: Where is it written that if you're sister's not happy then nobody else can be either. You're parents spoiled the shit out of her. She'll never find happiness with that entitled attitude. Good on you for your response. Congratulations on the engagement and upcoming marriage. Your family can go suck it since you're creating a family of your own .

: May 27, 2024

My original post and the first update can be found in my comment history but the gist of it is: My grandmother loved jewelry and always said I could have one of her rings for my future wife. When she passed away she put in her will that I was to be allowed to pick one out if I was getting engaged. The other hundreds of pieces of jewelry got left to my mom to be eventually passed on to my sister. The rings I was supposed to pick from were not her engagement ring or any of the most expensive jewelry she had. In October of 2022 I asked my mom for a ring because I was going propose to my then girlfriend of 2.5 years, but my mom said I could not have one and my dad backed her up. It was because my sister would be upset that I was getting married first.

My parents forbid me from proposing. I was 31 years old when this happened and I live in a different province so they had no grounds to forbid me from anything. My grandparents on both sides came to Canada from Scotland. There is nothing in either culture that says I am suppose to wait until his younger sister gets married first. I bought a ring and proposed to my wife on her birthday. My parents were angry I didn't listen to them. My sister had an absolute meltdown when she found out about my engagement. I had not told her in advance I was going to propose because I knew she would react badly. Even though she was 29 years old at the time. My wife and I got married 6 months after I proposed, in April of 2023. It did suck not having any of my own family at my wedding but I just focused on my wife instead.

My update: I went 18 months without speaking to my family, from a couple of weeks after I proposed until earlier this month. I guess my mom had a health scare and even though she is fine it got her and my dad worried enough to get back in touch a couple of weeks ago. My wife told me she would support me in whatever I decided. I told my parents we can't go back to the way things were before and I will not let them talk to my wife right now after the way they acted. My wife and I don't want kids but if we did I would keep my parents away from them too.

They were surprised I got married without telling them. I said I'm an adult who doesn't need their permission. We are going go start with occasional emails for now and go from there. My parents said sister is still upset that I'm married and she's not. She has never apologized for the way she carried on or the way she spoke about my wife. I have no plans to resume contact with her and I told my parents not to bring it up.

Again thanks to those who left supportive comments in both of my posts. I forgot I had posted here until my wife said something that reminded me of it and I had some messages asking for an update.

Comments

Intelligent-Ad-4568: Your sister is a nut job. Even if you lived in a culture where the older gets married before the younger, you are OLDER than your sister, so that really wouldn't matter.

I think your parents have enabled her sister's behavior, which is allowed her to continue acting this way, and possibly getting worse. She is miserable and wants everyone else to be too. And your parents should have put their foot down years ago. Maybe now seeing that you are not going to stop living your life because they ask you, they will change.

You getting married as nothing to do with your sister. She being single has nothing to do with you.

Just go live you life and be happy, that's the best revenge anyway.

oaksandpines1776: If it was willed to you, get a lawyer to force the parents to allow you to still choose ring of your choice. It is your inheritance and they have a fiduciary duty to obey the will.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS

Originally posted on

1 update - short

- May 9th, 2024

- June 3rd, 2024

AITA for not allowing my fiancés BF come to our wedding?

My Fiancé and I have been together just under 6 years (dated 3, engaged 2.5) . Great relationship relatively, our friends & family all get along well with the other person, no issues at all… EXCEPT for one of my partners best friends.

Said best friend has never liked me and seemingly had it out for me the entire time. She basically ignores my existence, refuses to speak or be cordial to me, but as soon as she sees my partner, she yelling and hugging him talking about “hey best friend” while ignoring me even though I’m right next to him.

I told him about it & how it made me feel & at first it went unaddressed 2-3 more times because he “needed proof” to make sure there was an issue. After said “proof” was present he spoke to her about it & she got a little better, but only around groups of people and like twice. She indicated she doesn’t have a problem with me, so he felt I am the only one having an issue and I need to just approach her and talk it out. I told him I’m not doing that cause she isn’t my friend and HE needs to do so.

A couple weeks ago we attended a mutual friends party. I attempted to make eye contact and say hello 2-3 times but she avoided me and refused to look at me the whole time. My fiancé noticed because it was so blatant. I don’t want her respect, don’t need her to like me, don’t honestly want her around at all, I just want her to have basic human decency.

This situation has caused me to rethink my relationship and ending it because I feel my fiancé is in the wrong for engaging with her after seeing how she completely disregards me. I think now but mostly after marriage we’re supposed to be a unit and I wouldn’t allow this behavior from a friend.

Ive been feeling like an asshole because we spent the better half of a nice drunken evening arguing about this, and I told him she can’t come to our wedding, as I won’t have someone who can’t seem to stand me near me the. AITA for telling my fiancé she can’t come to our wedding ?

VERDICT: NTA

Relevant Comments

Couette-Couette

NTA but I am surprised that you decided to marry someone who allows such behaviour toward you.

I don’t want to ruin what has otherwise been the healthiest and best relationship in my life but I’ve been thinking on it hard.. because where are the boundaries?

Choice_Pool_5971

Lady, if that was the healthiest relationship in your life…i feel you might want to take a break from dating and focus on therapy cause you are certainly going for the very low end of the dating pool.

But if you really wanna salvage this relationship and proceed with marriage, you need to put your foot down and establish that you will not allow yourself to be trampled on.

Forget about not inviting her to your wedding, if your fiancée wants to have a wedding to begin with this friend needs to be cut off from his life permanently. And without buts or compromises.

Lol. Aside from this issue & minor spats, yes. I understand what you’re saying and I’m not endorsing his behavior but there are far worse fates in relationships (through experience and not). He definitely isn’t the low end of the dating pool, he’s the upper end which is part of the problem.

You brought up valid points, which I appreciated. There can’t be a compromise with this at sll

Unintelligent_Lemon

Girl. A man who doesn't put you first is the low-end of the dating pool

Update - 1 month later

Original BLUF: I told my fiancé his best friend can’t come to our wedding. She pretends I don’t exist & he does nothing to address it.

The comments on my original post opened my eyes and made me realize that despite this being the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, it doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy. We’ve had a couple conversations surrounding this issue, which mostly consisted of me saying it bothered me & him saying he I was the only one who cared.

A couple things helped me realize my breaking point-

1. I asked him if he would be okay with our daughters future partner treating them like this, to which he got flustered, shut down, and said he didn’t want to talk about it. (I left it alone)

2. He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife, since he didn’t as his girlfriend.

The final straw was when I expressed how much it bothered me that he wanted me to blow this off since we, as in me & the best friend, only see each other 4-6 times a year & he said (directly quoted because this is burned into my brain) : “I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”

“It could be worse. She could be more active. There are worse ways to meddle, people text and lie, and all that to break relationships up.”

The first line broke my heart and told me all I needed to know. I have to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements, but I closed the curtain on any chance of healing this relationship the moment those words left his mouth.

Thank you everyone for the advice, common sense, knocking me upside my head, and similar related experiences & outcomes.

I’m gonna go to therapy & redefine what a healthy, balanced, and communicative relationship.

EDIT: the preplanned events aren’t the wedding/ engagement related. We share a home, need to divide assets, pets, a custody schedule. Additionally we have vacations, planned with a mutually shared friend group (bf not part of that group). I appreciate the concerns but I need to plan things out a little more. There will be no second chance.

To those that keep saying they’re fucking- probably . When I first brought this up, he became stressed & kept emphasizing how I thought he was fuckin his best friend, and didn’t address the issue that was brought up. I don’t care to know or confirm.

EDIT 2: We are NOT getting married, continuing our relationship. For those thinking I’m using the preplanned events to justify holding out good- absolutely f*ckin not. Our relationship was dead the moment he admitted she treated my like garbage, and basically shrugged it off.

As a note- I NEVER asked him to cut anyone off, out of his life. I simply asked for basic greetings & acknowledgment during the rare encounters with his BFF. This hasn’t happened, aside from a couple of begrudging times

Relevant Comments

Scenarioing

"I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”"

---HE is the one doing that.

FunctionAggressive75

This was "WTH" part

What a shitty thing to say. No excuse can save it

Who allows that kind of behavior? Who is ok by letting their SO put up with this?

I don't know about OP s previous relationships, but this line on its own, makes this relationship one of the worst

Yes it did. My most recent relationship was with a narcissist who sexually , mentally, and emotionally abused me. So the bar was in hell lol. Also prior to this I’ve never witness this behavior in my soon to be ex.

CrazyOldBag

Don’t worry about the planned and prepaid events. Get out. Now. The relationship is dead; don’t wait until the stench kills everyone around you. If the money is lost no matter what, skip on out and give yourself the gift of more time to heal and deal.

Good luck, OP. You can do this!

Marked ongoing as OOP isn't out of this yet.

Reminder, this is a repost sub, I am not OOP.

No brigading, no harassment.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

My mom cheated on my dad and left him for his best friend. She made him look like he was the one at fault and and I (23f) developed a resentment towards him. I recently found out what happened and I feel guilty for being an asshole to my dad and I want to make it up to him

Thanks to a BoRU redditor for the suggestion!

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, accusations of abuse, controlling behavior, alcoholism, depression, PTSD

: October 9, 2020

(english is not my first language)

My mom had been married to my dad for 9 years before she cheated and left him for his best friend who is my step dad. My father served in the army and his best friend was this rich guy who I saw hanging out with my mom at that time.

During the divorce my mom told me that my dad was abusive, controling and was not there emotionally that's why she was leaving him. She told me that my dad treated her badly, called her names and did not love her. At the time I was only 10 years old. My mum got primary custody and dad was stuck paying child support. I only got to see my dad only 2 weekends per month. After that I held some resentment towards my dad. I dreaded when it was time to see him. He had sold what used to be our house moved back to his home town opened a mechanic shop and lived in this shop.

He was an alcoholic who always tried to sober up when I came to stay him. He was miserable , lonely and depressed. He always tried to clean up his house when I went to stay with him even though it still smelled like alcohol, gun powder, gasoline and those car oils. And sometimes I found dirty laundry staffed in the laundry room. When I turned 15 I started to see him less. I refused to go stay with him and made up excuses. I only visited him a few times a year. One day I went to visit him without informing him, I found him drinking while watching a football game, he was surprised to see me, he quickly started getting rid of his beer cans, cleaning his kitchen asking for if I was hungry so that he could order pizza, and I just lashed out at him and told him that's why mum left him because he was so miserable and could keep his shit together. (I felt guilty afterwards). He loves old classic muscle cars and when I turned 18 he got me a 1970 chevrolet chevelle ss , which he had fixed it himself. Later me and mum sold it and got a honda civic.

Anyway Last week I came to visit my mom.I was planning to stay for the weekend. On Saturday night I overheard my mom and my stepdad talking about what happened 12 years ago, bragging about their affair and not once even regretting how it affected my dad. All they said that felt sorry for him. I couldn't help but cry. I wanted to confront her but I couldn't bring myself. I wanted to call her names , insult her but I didn't have the strength. I was full of mixed emotions but I felt guilty the most. All this time I held a resentment towards my dad thinking he was the bad guy but he was only the victim of my mom's affair. He never recovered from the affair due to his , depression and anxiety issues. And all the time I thought he faked to care about me he genuinely cared for me. And he always tried to stay strong and smile for me.

I left the following day and found my dad at his mechanic shop and hugged him. I was crying and he was puzzled and I kept saying sorry repeatedly. When he managed to calm me down I told him everything and I apologised even more. And when I asked why he didn't fight my mom for my custody. He told me that , he knew that his depression and anxiety issues plus his PTSD would make him to be unfit parents. And he never wanted to ruin the relationship between me and my mom because he knew I loved my mom and his ex best friend loved me and would take care of me more than he would. He said that it was not my fault and forgave me and he was happy I found out.

I want to make it up to my dad , but I don't know how . Please help.

TLDR. Mom cheated and left dad for his best friend. Made him look bad, I grew a resentment towards him now I want to make it up to him.

Comments

YourRAResource: Just continue to love him and be a good daughter. That's all he wants.

Commenter: Damn, what a fucked up story, and that your mom is laughing about what she did with your dad until today is just disgusting!

The muscle car you sold, could you buy that back? I think that your dad would be very happy if you arrive with that car in front of his store. Then plan a weekend with him, If he likes to go fishing, then do that. Just spend as much time together as possible.

Oh, and please kick your mom and stepdad in the ass for me. They destroyed a life, not for their own sake but only because they were cowards and they remember that time until today with a smile on their face. Excuse me please, I need to go and vomit!

: October 29, 2020 (20 days later)

Sorry for the late update, its a bit long but a few of you insisted I update them. For those who missed out on my previous post, check out my profile I posted it on my profile.

First thanks to all those who took their time to comment and offer support.

As some of you said, there are 2 sides in every story, and I decided to listen my dad's side, he admitted to being distant and not affectionate after his last deployment due to his PTSD but the affair had been going on when he was in deployment.

I confronted my mum, a few days later after my post and she was defensive at first. She said that I was not grateful for what she did for me, and that she simply protected me from my father. She called him a few names. I didn't want to argue and I had already chosen my next words carefully. I told her that " my father was a good man who was broken by the betrayal of the 2 people he trusted the most and worst you turned his own daughter against him. I appreciate and am grateful for everything, but it's time I choose for the parent who put his own daughter's need first even it means making hard sacrifices and not the one who wanted the daughter to satisfy her own needs . Goodbye mom , I will keep in touch. Before I left, tears had been building in her eyes. And she just remained silent. She has tried to reach out to me but I just ignore her or ask her to stop disturbing me, I don't to block her, but my message is loud and clear. My aunt has recently reached out to me and told me that my mom is depressed. Well her husband can take care of her.

As for my dad most of you suggested I sell a civic and buy the chevy chevelle ss back. I couldn't find the person I sold it to. But I decided to look for old worn out muscle cars to fix. I have been searching for a while. It was hard but I had help of a few friends and even some redditors who reached out to me on chat. Almost 2 weeks ago I was lucky and found an old wrecked 1970 dodge charger. And yeah I sold the civic to afford the charger. My dad was kinda of upset, but when I told him the reason he brightened up. He's been more than happy to show me how to fix it. I bought an apartment an hour away from his mechanic shop.

One redditor suggested I do I make over at his place, well I have been making time and we I have started to renovate and do a make over. And my friends from college who are studying interior design have decided to help. It took him a little of convincing as he felt embarrassed but he finally joined the train. Now everyday after college I go to visit him and on weekends I spend time with him and talk about anything mostly he's interested in my life. He likes soccer and is a big fan of arsenal. So I always keeps him company during match days, pick the opponents team to add fun and am learning a little of football. Since I sold my car, he has allowed me to use his 1977 pontiac firebird he has been with it since I was 11 and as long as I can remember he has never let anyone drive it. Since I have been around more often he has stopped his drinking habits, maybe a few and I join him on game nights but who can blame us.

So there is your update, if you made it this far I guess it is a happy ending. Thanks all of you all again.

Comments

Deleted Commenter: The joy u brought in your father's life is amazing

OOP: I know, it's the only thing am focusing on.

Lordofthelowend: I’m normally not one to say nice things on the internet, but you sound like an incredibly kind and intelligent person. I guarantee your dad is so proud of you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My mom is saying that I’m going to ruin my marriage if I didn’t stop my husband from having an affair. For me, if he ends up having an affair there’s nothing worth saving

Originally posted to

**TRIGGER WARNING:**emotional infidelity, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse

  Aug 29, 2023

I don’t know if I want advice or just vent or just ask opinions about infidelity. I have very strong opinion that if my significant other wants to cheat, I won’t stop them. If they need to be stopped, they’re not worth my love. I deeply believe I deserve someone who 100% willingly wants to be with me and wouldn’t “fall for temptation”. Let’s say it falls under my responsibility to try and stop them if I knew they’re going to cheat but what about if I didn’t know?

I’m married. We have been together for 4 years and married for 6 months. We just moved to a new apartment and little by little we have been renovating it. We’re both crafty and we want to create our dream home. We became friends with our neighbors. Also a couple. The woman is very beautiful and bubbly and I got along very well with her. She said she envied us renovating since her husband doesn’t really like these things and refuses to give her money to start her own projects. She’s a SAHM. I don’t know about her situation with her husband but the closer we got to them the more I sensed that he’s very careful with money. So I get what she means although I don’t think he is financially abusive.

Both my husband and I work. My husband works a lot from home. I have noticed that my neighbor is getting more and more friends with my husband (instead of how it started as a friendship with me). She is very flirty and she seems to have more and more in common with my husband, especially the things I don’t really like, like hiking but even the smallest things like food or sweets. She “has so much in common with him” as she many times put it.

Since she’s a SAHM, she started making my husband his favorite food and my husband has said on many occasions how nice it is that she cooks etc, now twice I came home and she’s in there with my husband, helping him with the renovations or “has just brought him lunch”. My husband doesn’t seem bothered at all so it makes me think nothing is happening between them, yet.

I was telling this to my mom and she got so angry at my “indifference”. She said that I should ban my neighbor from being around my husband and tell him not to talk to her again. I told her that I wanted a husband who doesn’t want to cheat. There are 4 billion women out there and I can’t stop him from seeing all of them. He’s the only one who can decide if his marriage is worth it.

My mom called me deranged and she is very upset with me. I don’t know what to do. I have made my opinion clear to my husband that I didn’t appreciate our neighbor hanging around with him and I even started to cook more at home. Other than that I don’t plan on having a contest with women to win my husband. I always believe if they can take him, they can keep him. It may sound so cold? I don’t feel that at all. My heart is full of love for him and I can’t even imagine myself cheating on him even if I was in a room full of handsome men, I just want the same in return.

He hasn’t done anything yet but he has texted with her a few times. Nothing flirty but they have texted. I hate it but I don’t know. My mom said I’m enabling this just to see if he cheats and then discard him but all I wish is that he chooses me. Without him knowing that I’m watching and without me asking him to choose me.

  Aug 30, 2023

Ok, I started this as a comment on my post from last night but it became too long I thought maybe I should make an update since everyone is asking me for one.

I want to start with some explanations. My account is new because I’m not a reddit user. I know of it through relationship posts on instagram and youtube and when I had a talk with my mom, I immediately thought of reddit to get perspective. I must say I’m very surprised at the support I got here. I thought I was way wrong after my mom’s reaction.

Some girls here suggested that I don’t tell my husband next time I left work early, well I didn’t want to wait for that to happen so I accidentally on purpose left my gym bag at home, asked my manager if I could have a couple of hours break around lunch and sure enough, my neighbor was in my kitchen eating lunch with my husband. My husband looked nervous and guilty and said yeah we’re having lunch here. They had the leftovers from yesterday’s dinner and they’ve ordered a pizza because we didn’t have enough leftovers for two. So she didn’t even make him lunch this time. I just said that I was there to bring my gym bag and left.

Now I’m sitting in my car shaking. My stomach and heart are aching. He has called 3 times but I just couldn’t answer. He texted me this:

My love (it sounds better in my language) I know you don’t like it when she’s here but you have nothing to worry about. I love you.

Now I’m trying to calm my nerves before driving back to work. He knows that I don’t like it when she’s there and yet the few times I’ve left work early, she’s been there, which means she’s probably always there when he’s working from home. Which means even if he knows I hate it, he still does it.

We have been married for 6 months. I know the first year is always hard but I don’t know. We are in out 30’s and we don’t have children yet. We only own our apartment together. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it’s better to call it a day now before there’s more to lose. My mom will probably call me deranged again if I tell her how I’m feeling. But I’m very VERY turned off by this. She can keep him.

Edit again:

I’m sorry for editing all the time but I’m at work now and won’t be able to respond. I just got this text from my husband, I haven’t answered his calls or texts. I need to calm down before talking to him:

Baby, you were right about X (neighbor’s name). I told her that she shouldn’t be coming over anymore because my wife doesn’t like it and she said that she had feelings for me. You were right. I love you and I don’t want to lose you.

I didn’t answer him because what can I say to this? I need to go back to work now I can’t ruin my marriage and my work on the same day.

Edit again, sorry

Hi! Now I’m at my sister’s and I could just cry. I love him but I can’t do this. He has been calling and sending messages and screenshots all afternoon. I have just answered him this:

I love you but I can’t do this. I don’t trust you with my heart anymore. I don’t think we’re compatible because our definition of love, respect boundaries and friendship is obviously very different. We probably need to call it a day before we’re even more entangled and it gets more complicated. I need space to think. Please respect that and I will talk to you when I’m ready to discuss our future.

He just called 3 times more then texted:

Please don’t do this to us. I love you. You’re the love of my life. Please don’t throw everything away in a moment of anger. Be angry with me but come home and be angry. Take it out on me. Fight me. Hit me. If you only knew how much I love you and how nobody else in this world matter to me. Come home.

I didn’t answer because I don’t know what to say. I’m going to bed. I just want to cry. I don’t want him to text or call.

Good night

Thank you for listening ❤️

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Comestible

Well, I'm convinced that he already knew the neighbor girl liked him romantically before her big reveal, and he simply enjoyed the attention. You can't trust this guy and he has only himself to blame. Sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

OOP

He just sent me a screenshot from her. Apparently she texted him when she got home that she had feelings for him and wanted him and how he wouldn’t regret it. She said she knows he has feelings for her too.

He answered her that she was mistaken and that he never thought about her that way. He liked her and her husband as friends and neighbors and that he loved me bla bla

I guess this is damage control he’s doing because he has never sent me any screenshots from his conversations with her before

ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP

OOP's comment]()

Many are asking me about the husband (her husband)

I really don’t know what to do about this situation. I don’t really know him very well since he seems to be a bit recluse. Even when we hung out the four of us, he didn’t say much. I haven’t noticed that he is abusive even if he seems to be a bit frugal or at least carful with money but it could be because he works two jobs to support his family (they seem to live way above their means if I’m being honest).

I don’t know more about him. They have three small children. I don’t want to cause pain for them and I don’t know how he would react.

My reluctance comes from my gut feeling that maybe he could harm her or himself. I’m so conflicted and scared tbh. So I have not been ignoring you who asked about the husband. I’m just scared

  Sept 3, 2023

Hi everyone, it’s Sunday morning and I’m back home. My husband is staying with his parents.

Yesterday he showed up at my sister’s. Puppy eyed and all, with takeouts from my favorite restaurant, flowers chocolate and ice cream (why do they always think food solves everything?). He started apologizing and saying that he loved me and that he would never hurt me. I asked him to start being honest with me, if he had feelings for her and if they’ve done something. He swore nothing happened and that he doesn’t have feelings towards her. I told him that he wasn’t honest because why would he let her in my home, knowing how much it would hurt me (and cost him) if he had no feelings for her, why risk your marriage? He couldn’t answer that more that that he didn’t think it was bad since he was secure in his feelings and in our marriage. He then admitted that he liked the attention. So you knew before she admitted it that she liked you? -Yes.

He gave me his phone and all his texts and told me to see how he never once flirted or made any advances. I don’t know, I was very sad reading and hearing all this. I told him that they disrespected me. Her last text to him is that she loved him and she would make him happier that I ever could. There was also messages with mean things about me to him and instead of confronting her he ignored her or laughed it of. When I asked him about it he apologized and said she was obviously jealous so I didn’t want to engage.

I told him that I wanted separation because I didn’t trust him anymore. He begged me not. Then he said that I should at least come back to my home and he would live with his parents. He also asked if I could promise him not to start divorce yet and just be separated for a while and go to couples counseling. He said that he messed up very badly and wants me to give him time to make it right again and not just divorce him yet.

So I moved back home this morning and he was here. We had breakfast and he left for his parents. I didn’t want him to kiss me. He will be coming home when he needs to work in the office and probably if we start therapy. On these days I can be at my sister’s. She was more than happy to help. Now I don’t want to see him for a while.

I hate my kitchen now (I’m sitting in my kitchen writing this) which is sad because we put so much effort into making it exactly what we wanted.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

He said he didn’t “enjoy” the attention just that he suspected and knew she probably liked him. He didn’t think it was more than her feeling lonely in her marriage because her husband works all the time. He said he was never interested so he thought it was harmless because he knew he wasn’t interested. I don’t know why he liked the attention. He said she would come with lunch and says she’s bored home alone and that she loved renovations and wanted to see our progress and he didn’t want to be rude.

She had made fun of my appearance (I’m not blonde) and my style and he laughed it off. When I asked him he said “well obviously she is jealous why would I engage in that? If I had defended you it would have meant I cared about what she said and I didn’t” wouldn’t the better approach be to cut her off? How hard would that have been?

Most importantly I asked him if it was all innocent, would you have told her husband she was spending all days with you. He didn’t answer but stood silent, because he knows it is wrong.

I’m sorry but if MaNy PeOpLe LiKe aTtEnTiOn, then they’re not my type of people. If he thinks her opinion is flattering, he is not my type. He is not what I want to grow old with and have (not blonde children) with, as she wrote in one of her texts making fun of our children.

Please f off you obviously think you’re so much better and wiser than reddit wth are you even doing here?

~

MoneyPrinter12

You should invest in a front door camera

Definitely Tell her husband cause She was actively cheating on her husband with yours whether emotionally or physically and he should know what she’s doing.

He blocked her after the text or when he showed YOU the text ?

Do you believe he went to his parents ? Have you asked them if it’s true ? Cause why would she tell him that she loves him and could make him happier ? What was he doing that made her feel and say that ?

If you’re staying make sure you get a postnuptial agreement to protect yourself.

OOP

No he blocked her after that text.

Yeah he was at his parents. I don’t know why she told him that because I have no idea what they talk about when she’s here. I don’t know why she would make him happier tbh. She seems childish if she thinks making food and having the same taste in music makes a relationship. After I left and she confessed she wanted to sleep with him he told her he wasn’t interested at all and then she wrote some mean things about me and that she loved him and would make him happier. So he blocked her

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: &

AITA for taking my children away from their grandparents after my husband died?

Originally posted to &

  Posted by

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, accusations of kidnapping, parental alienation

  June 15, 2020

I (34f) met my husband while I was doing an exchange semester in Australia when I was 20. We later got married and I moved to Australia permanently. We have two kids 6f and 4f and I'm 4 months pregnant.

My husband passed away 3 months ago. It was and still is horrible. With my husband not being here anymore I want to move back to my home country. I think it will be good for my kids because the education system over there is heaps better but the main reason is that I need my family. My 4 year old doesn't really have an opinion on it, my 6 year old is excited because my parents have horses.

Here in Australia, my husband's parents look after our kids Monday to Friday as my husband and I both had full time jobs. So, obviously they are close. Mil and FIL are very attached to the kids and love being grandparents.

Last weekend I broke the news to them. I didn't expect them to be happy but I was hoping they'd understand. They didn't. It was ugly. They asked me how dare I taking away their grandchildren after they lost their only son. They said my husband would be disappointed and he'd want his children to grow up in Australia. I had to leave because I couldn't handle the situation.

I feel guilty because my husband did want to stay in Australia but mainly because that's where we settled. I don't think he'd be disappointed. I think he'd understand. But I feel so guilty but also angry? I feel like it was cruel of mil and FIL to say what they said.

I plan to come back to Australia regularly because I don't want to deprive my children of their heritage and it has become my home over the years.

Basically, is it wrong to move back home?

VERDICT: NO ASSHOLES HERE

  July 4, 2020

It's been nearly 3 weeks since my last post. A lot has happened since.

First off, we're back home in Switzerland, the kids are okay. As planned we moved in with my family. The kids are bonding with their grandparents and cousins and the animals. They're set up for therapy as am I.

The events leading up to this: I went back to my in-laws to explain my side of the story. I told them again that we would be coming back but that right now I need to make sure that I can be a good mum to my kids. They were very understanding and asked if they could take the kids the next day. I agreed and dropped them off. However pick up didn't go as planned. The kids weren't ready and FIL told me that they decided it would be best for everyone if they stayed with them for a while as I was clearly unstable.

There was screaming, tears, threats and lots of ugly things were said. I called my lawyer who told me to call the police. Luckily it didn't come to that and they gave me back the kids.

But honestly that was it for me. Trust gone. I booked flights for us and arranged what I could in such a limited time span. I told my in-laws that they had seriously hurt my trust and that I would need time to think what this means for the future. They were allowed to say goodbye to the kids in person.

We arrived at home on Monday. The kids already video called my in-laws as I want to make it as easy as possible for them to transition. I am very hurt and disappointed that it had to end this way but also hopeful for the future.

Right now I'm enjoying to get pampered by my mum who's very excited to be part of this pregnancy. In the future I'll try and rekindle the relationship with my in-laws.

ANOTHER UPDATE WAS FOUND NOT INCLUDED IN THE ORIGINAL BORU**

Thanks to for finding this update

  Apr 3, 2021

I posted on reddit a while ago but forgot my login details so I made a new acc, I hope that’s OK.

Some background:

I (35f) am Swiss and married an Aussie. We mainly lived in Australia.

My husband died roughly a year ago and left me pregnant and with two kids. The kids are now a few months, 5 and 7. A few months after my husband died I made the decision to move back to Switzerland. My in-laws who used to look after our kids did not take it well and possibly tried to kidnap my children. This sealed the deal for me and we moved back. People here on reddit were giving me grief for making this decision and I did feel bad for taking the kids away from my in-laws just after they’d lost their son, so, I made sure to let them video call the kids regularly.

Things have been going really well for us since we moved back to Switzerland. We live on my parents’ farm with my sister and her family. My oldest started school and has made many new friends and they love that we have horses. We were all in therapy but my children are doing great and don’t need to go anymore. They are happy here and are thriving.

Now on to the problem:

Obviously, my in-laws think I’m a horrible person. They made that pretty obvious. When we first got back they’d try to talk badly about me on the video calls but because I was listening secretly ( I know, I know) I was able to tell them to stop or we wouldn’t call them anymore. That seemed to work for a bit. But now FIL is seriously ill. He might not have that much longer but we don’t know. Apparently MIL has told the kids that it’s my fault that FIL got sick because I took them away and that was. too much to handle for him. She said some nasty things which made both of the kids cry. 5 year old doesn’t want to talk her grandparents anymore because they said mean things about mummy but 7 year old is extremely angry with me. She was very close to FIL and has been convinced by MIL that her leaving caused him to get sick. Ever since MIL has been telling her that I’m the bad guy, I ripped them away, I’m responsible should FIL die. I really just want to cut contact but I don’t think 7 year old could handle that nor would it be fair to her.

I realise that this is a tricky situation all around and I really just want to do what’s best for my kids.

What should I do? Cut contact? MIL won’t stop I’ve tried talking to her. How can I minimise trauma for my kids?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Inconclusive as per OOP

Editor's note - this story is inconclusive, and the original post has been deleted, so we may never know the answers

5 updates - Medium

- 20th May 2024

- 21st May 2024

- 22nd May 2024

- 24th May 2024

- 27th May 2024

- 28th May 2024

My brother got a job offer that is too good to be true- what’s the scam here?

Hey Reddit-

About a week ago, my little brother found an online posting for a job to run a farm, applied for it, and got it. Seems straight forward right? Not at all, it seems to me sketchy af. Here are the details:

We live in California, my brother says a rich woman from Florida inherited a farm that she needs work at in Kentucky. He claims she will give him a place to live rent free, includes a work truck and everything he needs and after 5 years she will GIVE him the entire 200 acre farm, house, and everything, while also paying him $3500 bucks a month.

Seems too good to be true right? I’ve asked him to share details such as the woman’s name and the address of the farm, so I can cross check it with county records and he has not provided this information yet. I told him to get the offer in writing so I can review it, he claims the woman’s legal team is drafting it up upon his arrival and will send it to me then.

He claims she bought him a ticket and he flies out tonight to start work tomorrow.

On one hand, if she bought him a ticket and he actually boards the plane it might be a feasible job offer (though I can’t imagine anyone giving someone an entire 200 acre farm while paying them to work there after 5 years) on the other hand I’m getting red flags all over this and am thinking the worst like he will wake up in a bathtub full of ice in a strange place missing vital organs.

Is there some sort of job offer scam that would have someone fly across the us that I’m unaware of? I’ve tried to Google farm hand scam but am coming back empty. My brother has himself convinced this is a legitimate job offer and isn’t listening to my reasoning or red flags.

So what is the scam here?

Comments

kipsterdude

I'm sorry, but this sounds like a human trafficking setup.

OOP: Yes exactly. I’m thinking the absolute worst like my brother is about to become a drug mule for the cartel. My one saving grace is my little brother (though clearly stubborn) is built like a navy seal- he is huge and all muscle so if anything happens I think he can get himself out of it physically.

kipsterdude

Can he ask for info about the farm? Website? How payroll is handled, etc, stuff he can look into before he literally gets on a plane?

OOP: I’ve been asking him for it, he hasn’t provided it to me.

kipsterdude

He could also just be leaving to try to start over and doesn't want to tell anyone that's what he's doing? Any chance that's the case?

OOP: It could be. It’s so weird- we are pretty close and I’m usually his advisor and guide to the adult world. It is so weird to me. He hasn’t provided me with the information I’ve asked him for.

NatashOverWorld

OP, ask your brother to put a tracking app on his phone. And send a picture of whoever meets him to you.

Of course if he was smart he'd not go, but at least this way you might be able to save his dumbass.

OOP: What’s weird is after he got the offer he stopped sharing his location with me. I again have told him to get me the information and to share his location with me before he flies out. I’ve talked to some other family members and they all think it’s suspect, but he is also a grown adult and we can’t stop him. We can only warn him.

Updates in the comments - 1 day later

Comment 1

Hi! I am finishing my work early today- my bff is driving down to go with me to the gfs house this afternoon. On one hand- if he has something private or just didn’t want to tell me that’s totally fine, he is an adult I won’t press if they assure me he is good and can collaborate information . On the other hand what I was told was very suspect. So we plan to go this afternoon and check in, make sure that they’ve heard from him or physically got him to the airport and know the need to know information (and have flight numbers) etc. we will take it from there and I’ll update but so far- no update yet- I sent another text but his phone is still on do not disturb

Comment 2

Hello- op here- I just got done with work in record time. My bff is headed down from sf to come with me to the gfs house (I feel crazy but just want confirmation he is ok or there is more information such as address and flight numbers and etc) bff will be here in about an hour- and it takes about 45 minutes to get to the gfs house- so I’m looking 2-3 hours or I hope by 4pm pst latest I’ll know something. (Or at least will leave a note asking them to call me)

As Reddit pointed out the story is so weird and it maybe likely he didn’t want me to know what’s going on- that’s ok he is an adult and I respect his privacy- but I need confirmation from others his whereabouts are known and he is safe. Someone found the job post - so maybe it’s legitimate. Maybe he is on a plane or exhausted from an over night and moving. I have no answers right now but will update when I can.

In my wildest dreams I never expected this much support and kind internet strangers. I’ll keep everyone updated as best I can. Thank you Reddit. I love this site and am a long time user- I can’t believe this has blown up but I’m happy the world is rooting for little brother. Fingers crossed I get answers today.

Update2 in the Comments - 2 days later from OP

Comment1

Hi! My update is last evening my brother text me and let me know he was exhausted from traveling and we will FaceTime later today- and most importantly he has all vital organs (I know that’s a joke but I was super sketched out). I’m planning on sharing everything here, as well as go over safety plans and to remind him he is never stuck in any situation and can always come home. We are all adopted and don’t have a traditional family/parents. This is how I’m sort of involved in being his adult guide- we talk about decisions together, ultimately he is an adult but I’ll do my best to always protect and guide him.

Comment2

Nothing yet but I’ll be demanding it, going over a safety plan sharing everything in this post and reminding him he can always come home. The entire sequence of events was so QUICK (within a few days interview and go) and just bizzare. I’ll be speaking to him in depth today

Update3 in the comments - 4 days after OP

He hasn’t called or FaceTimed me yet as promised 😭 I don’t know you all - he is an adult and has been in touch over text (as I’ve said)

Update4 in the Comments - 7 days after OP

I’m about to post the newest update shortly ❤️ tldr- I haven’t seen his face yet and he hasn’t shared the location nor has he given me the farm address (god bless Reddit I already have the information you all sent to me) I’ve only got a couple of messages from him since he got on the flight. I text him tonight that I’d fill a missing persons report and get Kentucky locals involved if he doesn’t face time me so I know he is alright (verses a vague text) so here it is before the internet sees it- our full texts since before he left.

Last update from OOP in the comments - 8 days after OP

Hi all- I’m so sorry for the slow replies - I own a business which is consuming, my kiddo came home from school for the long weekend and it was my birthday. So I’ve been sort of juggling everything. I went out with my other brother (mentioned in the post above) he still thinks that little brother is doing something that he doesn’t want me to know about and told me to give it a few more days. I completely respect privacy, but it’s so weird because me and little brother are close and discuss things and I’m his favorite. I sent little brother another text saying I’d be having local law enforcement do a wellness check on him if he doesn’t FaceTime me. He said he would on my birthday (yesterday) he didn’t. He claims where he is at has poor service so he has to go to town to get service (this is feasible- but isn’t there wifi????) I’m so sorry this isn’t the update the internet needs, but I don’t have answers rn. I hope to have them soon ❤️ I feel like my little brother is everyone’s little brother now and the outpouring of support through dms and comments has been amazing. ❤️ thank you so so much ❤️ I promise I will update as soon as I know anything.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in . This post is very much ongoing.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule number 7. The latest update is 7 days old due to the rules of this sub.

Trigger Warning: verbal abuse

Mood Spoiler: sad but hopeful?

Original : May 25, 2024

I 27F have been married to my husband 34M for over a year. We’ve been together for 6 years. He’s a gym freak which I don’t have a problem with except for when he sometimes tries to impose his routine on me (pressure me into adopting his dietary habits). I exercise too (I’m 5'6"/130 lbs) but I enjoy my food and nothing will change that. that’s not what I’m posting about tho.

Lately I can't wear a dress without him telling me I look good but that I would've looked better if I had that breast augmentation surgery. He never complained about my breasts for 6 years until the past 4-5 months. I’ve told him before that I’m not against it but not planning to get one (it took me years to regain my confidence because my mother used to make hurtful remarks about my chest like if it's something I didn't achieve).

A few days ago we were having sex and he didn’t hesitate to remind me "again" that I would look 10 times better with the implants which turned me off instantly. I don't remember what I exactly said but I said something along the lines of "I know how it feels. nevermind you’re the perfect size. the big ones hurt anyway" He got mad and called me immature and all. Mind you he’s been pressuring me to have the surgery for 4 months now and I never snapped at him. Edit: (I'm an a-cup)

Yesterday we were getting ready to go to his friend’s wedding but I ended up staying home. He brought up the surgery again and I snapped at him. I reminded him that we dated for 5 years before we got married. He had plenty of time to realize that I'm not good enough for him and break up with me to find a woman who has what he’s looking for. (I do have eyes. He’s right I’m flat chested but I have a nice body overall). He said he loves me and wants to be with me but feels he could be more attracted to me with bigger breasts. I ended up telling him to go alone. I can't shake off the feeling that our recent arguments are taking us down a toxic path. It's not the kind of relationship I want for us.

Is this worth considering divorce over? Other than this we do get along very well but I feel like he’s taking me back to the days when I would stand in front of the mirror for minutes thinking I would never find a man who would like me if I myself don't like what I'm seeing.

Edit: for the weirdos asking/going to for pics to see if they're a handful or not. I'm asking if his behavior is acceptable or not. Not if I'm really flat chested. I am. I don't need to send any pics for you to judge.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Your husband shouldn't be nagging you to undergo an elective surgery for only his benefit. He's being immensely disrespectful - which is too nice of a description but anyway be proud of your body. Don't allow his behavior to affect your self-esteem. Does he know you might consider divorce over this issue? Tell him and base your decision upon his reaction. NTA.

OOP: No he doesn't know yet. I'm planning to sit him down tomorrow and talk about it. Whenever I try to talk about it he try and changes the subject.

Commenter: My heart goes out to you for having to put up with this kind of insult. He sounds like a real ass.

Also, the timing of this pings my radar. You were fine for 6 years, and all of a sudden he has a problem with your body starting 4 months ago? New co-worker with a big rack, perhaps?

OOP: It could be. We dated for 5 years during which we were sexually active and he always complimented my body. How come he suddenly realized I'm not good enough for him.

Commenter: Does he know about your history of feeling insecure about your chest because of your mother? If so, could he be intentionally trying to undermine your confidence for some reason (e.g., he's having an affair and he wants to end the marriage but wants you to instigate the divorce)?

OOP: Yes he does

Commenter (downvoted): this sounds like a feminist’s fantasy of what a misogynist husband would do, but if it’s true you are nta.

OOP: You're right. I'm sitting here with nothing to do so I decided to sign up with a throwaway just to come up with something to pass time. And not anything MY BREASTS. you got me

Commenter (downvoted): she hooked up with him based on looks/physique

OOP: He's 5'8 and was 230lbs when we met. And never went to gym before. I assure you physique wasn't on the table and I never/would care about such a thing as long as the person in front of me cares about me for who I am

Update : May 27, 2024 (2 days later)

I had no intention of mentioning divorce not until I get some answers that could help with my decision. I was hoping we would end up agreeing on counseling or something. I just wanted an honest conversation to know if there was a way to fill that void for him without ever getting the surgery.

I sat him down last night and just like usual he tried to change the subject. I made it clear to him that it's either we talk about it now or he never ever brings breast surgery up again. Well that did it for him. I asked him why he suddenly after 6 years together want me to get one. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. I told him if I'm to consider having one he needs to be honest with me about what changed in the past few months. He grabbed his phone and showed me some women's pictures on his phone (and let me tell you they weren't Instagram models. They were 100% OF models). He showed me more than 5 pictures with no shame or the slightest consideration of my feelings. With each pic he said things like "See you would look 10 times hotter" "She's not even as gorgeous as you are but" I asked him if I decide to never get the surgery would he ever drop the idea. Like can we move past it. He said it's something he can't stop thinking about because he really feels like he would be more attracted to me and that I myself would feel more confident with the boob job.

I do have eyes and just like I know how small my chest is I know that I have a nice body figure. People see, people compliment so they can't all be liars. I asked what he ever liked about me in general because from the pictures he showed me I didn't see any woman that resemble me even a bit. He said that I'm gorgeous and have a killer smile and he likes my curvy hips. I asked if there's anything else he likes about me in general (I was hoping he would mention something other than my body or anything) and all he said was "Your lips" I told him since I'm considering breast augmentation surgery is there anything else he thinks I could fix so he feels more attracted to me while we're at it. I hoped that he would at least say other than my boobs he loves everything about me. he said "you're good". (From the grammatical errors you could tell I'm not a native English speaker. I'm Brazilian)

I told him I will think about it and said goodnight because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing my tears. I don't know if I'm just naturally stupid and never paid attention to the red flags or he just decided to show me his true colors now that we're married. By the way since some asked. Yes he does know about my history with my mother (every woman in my family is a c-cup and up. including my younger sister. I'm the only one with a-cup😂).

He initiated sex later and I told him there's a lot on my mind right now. He didn't even argue and after like 5 mins said "I will pay for it. Don't you worry about that"

When we met he was around 230 lbs (he's 5'8") and never went to the gym before (he's 190 lbs now). I'm mentioning this because some said I hooked up with him for his looks/physique. Physique wasn't on the table back then. But it never/would matter to me as long as the person in front of me cares about me for who I am. I myself not perfect. Anyway he was so insecure about his looks and I never ever said a thing about it. I used/still voice how I love this and that about him. I boosted his ego just for him to decide that he would be more attracted to me if I get a boob job after 6 years together.

And for those saying I'm lazy for not going to the gym with him and that he wants what's best for me (I said I do exercise) yes I'm an a-cup and I know it's not for everyone and I respect that. But I'm fucking gorgeous. My mother/him or anyone else won't change that. (I'm a babe deal with it) He himself used to mention how I get looks all the time when we're out. I felt hurt and cried because it hurts to not feel desired by the person you love the most and want to be desired by. Other than that I'm perfectly happy with my body. And if I ever decide to get the boob job I will get it for me not for someone who finishes in 2 minutes and can't even hit the spot. I need time to make a plan before I start the process. When everything is ready and I have a place lined up I will serve him the papers.

By the way I will initiate sex tonight and every night until the day I serve him(edit: I get it now its a bad idea but I will go with it for tonight at least). I bought a dildo today thrice his size and I'm using it right after he finishes. If he goes low I'm going lower until I have an exit plan ready.

Thank you to each and everyone who took the time to read my post and share their support/advice. Your words have really made a difference for me. Thanks to the men who offered their perspectives/advice. Your honesty has been eye opening🙌🏻

Edit: I never knew Reddit wasn't for such problems and that I wasn't supposed to post on this sub (I tried another sub and they asked for an account starting with throwara). I can't talk about this with family and friends especially not my mother. It's just embarrassing. The best option for me was people on the internet.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter (downvoted): Well I would say if you don’t want the boob job don’t get it. Maybe talk to him about it or suggest counseling for both of you. But to divorce over this… a little childish.

OOP: Yeah showing me a bunch of OF models and asking me to fix myself to look like them is childish. I'm not gonna sit around forever and let a man put his thing in me knowing he's not attracted to me anymore.

Commenter (downvoted): So sad. Honestly your husband has something going on and rather than work through it you are listening to reddit and becoming yet another statistic.

OOP: I can work through it if he's sick. Some kind of disability. If he's depressed. Not obsessed with big boobs. Right now I'm gonna work on the way his comments made me feel. And he work on finding a woman that have what I don't

Commenter: I used to love big boobs until I married my wife. She doesn't have perfect or big boobs but she has a killer bod and smile. I still like seeing nice boobs but she has converted me into an ass man. I don't even care about boobs much anymore. Your husband is worse than an ahole. Breast surgery is not a small thing like most people portray it to be. Good luck to you.

OOP: Thank you. It's nice to see a man think this way because some boys comment that I should give him a chance and how he might be struggling with porn addiction and I'm the asshole for my reaction to him showing me OF models. Like okay but what about my feelings? It's been 6 years. So long to figure out what you do/don't like.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Am I the asshole for letting my stepdaughter stay in closet?

Trigger Warnings: homophobia, verbal abuse, neglect

: May 22, 2024

I've known my (m46) step daughter Tasha (f17) since she was about 9. About a year and a half ago, when she was 15, she and her friend Juliet didn't notice me come home early, and I caught them listening to music and making out. She was embarrassed, and they both freaked out a little bit, but I promised I wouldn't say anything. My wife's(f37) family is extremely Christian and extremely conservative, though she's not as bad as them. She still has more than a bit of it though, and she can be kind of severe with the kids.

In the meantime, Tasha was able to keep having Juliet over. She didn't have to keep her door open as per the policy my wife insists on whenever my son (M15) has a girl over, and My wife never questions what kind of outings she's going on when she and Juliet say they're going someplace together, even late at night. She's even slept over at Juliet's house and Juliet has stayed overnight with us.

Honestly, it's not like she's going to get pregnant, so I don't really see a problem with any of this. Also honestly, I'm surprised at some of the coupley things that the girls have been able to do without anyone questioning it, like sharing seats so they're practically sitting on top of each other, hugging, eating food off the same plates etc. My wife seemed to have just accepted it as girls being friends.

My relationship with my stepdaughter has been closer, as she obviously knows she can trust me with who she is. Over the past few years I've been working from home often, and we have an unspoken understanding that she can have Juliet over whenever and as long as they're being quiet somewhere else in the house I won't bother them. Because I so largely work from home, I end up looking after the kids a little more than my wife does, So that's given her quite a lot of freedom.

However, the problem came when my son found out through high school gossip that his sister and her friend were dating and her stepdad doesn't care and lets her do whatever. I shouldn't have been surprised. I guess the girls were kind of sloppy.

I was worried that my son would be mad that I had been enforcing my wife's open door policy with him, or that he would feel like he hadn't received equal privileges, but as far as things between him and me, he gets it, and he doesn't seem upset. He did get into too loud of a discussion of it with his sister though, and my wife overheard and made them spill everything.

She freaking went ballistic with me, actually yelling and getting heated, even as I tried to explain to her then I figured Tasha would come out when she was ready and that none of it was my secret to tell, that nothing bad had happened and that there was nothing to worry about. She was just pissed at me, and she was pissed at Tasha, and she wanted to ground Tasha and for me to take away her car. (My former 20-year-old car that I let her buy from me). She wanted to ban Juliet from coming over entirely. She was upset and accused both of us of lying to and manipulating her. I tried to tell her that none of that was reasonable and that Tasha was 17 anyway, so what does it matter, but she was emotional and insisted that her decision was final. I tried to tell her that it wasn't her decision alone, and that there was really no way she could enforce any of that anyway. Then she asked me if I would enforce it. Apparently, she didn't like how long I paused before giving an answer, and she flipped out, threw a huff, And she locked herself in the bedroom.

I decided to just give her some space, so I asked my son to kind of keep an eye on his little sister (f7) just in case Mom doesn't come out, and went out to do some shopping and errands. Tasha volunteered to come with, so we went grocery shopping and stopped at a burger joint. Meanwhile, my wife's parents and sister are texting me about being an asshole and what I've let my stepdaughter become, and they're texting her with homophobic Bible tracts, things about “Her lifestyle”, slut shaming, and inappropriate questions.

I feel like she had every reason to not come out, and I told her as much, but that it's only a shame that her and Juliet got too comfortable/sloppy. (Apparently they were pushing it a little with things like PDA and hand holding other places too)

Pretty sure I'm still in the doghouse with my wife, but I don't feel like I've done anything wrong, especially with the way that things turned out. My wife herself isn't homophobic, or I wouldn't have married her. So I'm trying to give her time to come around and be reasonable. Her family are definitely way worse, and I wish she wouldn't have told them. It's kind of annoying that they're trying to paint me as the bad guy, but I'm used to just letting them wear themselves out about things. Am I the asshole here?

Comments

KombuchaBot: OP is not at fault but I think he's being optimistic with the whole "my wife isn't homophobic" thing. She certainly seems to have some big unmanageable feelings that make up common ground with her toxic family.

NTA but you need to keep an eye on the pressures being applied to your daughter. Having hatemail texts from her mother's family can't be good for her mental health.

Valiant_Strawberry: Hate to break it to you but your wife is definitely homophobic. If she wasn’t she’d be on the floor sobbing about why her daughter didn’t trust her enough to tell her, not spilling the beans to her entire homophobic family so that they all gang up and harass a fucking minor. She might not care about other gay people, but your wife is 1000% a “not in my back yard” person. In other words, it’s fine as long as it’s not her kids. It’s a gross mindset.

Tell your step daughter to block any family member that is sending her abusive messages or even messages that just make her unhappy at this point. They can always be unblocked when they decide to behave. Make sure she knows that you’re still there for her NO MATTER what happens with you and her mother. Because your wife’s POS family that she’s already looped into the issue could easily talk her into leaving you for this. Assuming you don’t leave her homophobic ass first

: May 27, 2024

There were a lot of insightful and informative replies to my original post, and I tried to read them all. A lot of people seemed eager for an update, so I thought I'd mention how things went.

Just to clarify, because some people seemed confused, Tasha(f17) is my wife's daughter from a previous relationship. My son(m15) is my kid from a previous relationship, and our youngest daughter(f7) is a child we had together. I'm Tasha's stepdad, and my wife is my son's stepmom.

The first thing I did when my wife's family started sending homophobic and slut shaming or otherwise derogatory messages to Tasha was to tell her to ignore them and to try to keep her mind off of it. She went to start blocking or deleting them on her own. She was already upset because of her mother's reaction, and it kind of got to her, but I tried to comfort her as best I could.

I never considered that my wife could be homophobic. We had gay guests at our wedding, some of whom were with their partners. My sister is bi, and she was dating a woman at the time, although she's since married a man, and my wife has never apparently had a problem with her then or since. In fact, when her family made noises about It, she said they'd have to "shut their mouths and put up with it" or she'd let me take them off the guest list / have my family throw them out. However, that said, the way that she reacted to learning about Tasha and Juliet looks really bad.

My wife can kind of get stuck in her mood, she can obsess with things, and it can make her hard to talk to sometimes, but I confronted her privately about this. In particular, I showed her some examples of the things her family was sending to Tasha and also some of the nonsense they had sent to me. Apparently, through some game of telephone people think I'm running some kind of teenage sex den. What they've said to Tasha was far more hurtful towards her though. My wife was mortified and Said she never meant for them to say those sorts of things to her and that she wasn't thinking when she told her family. Apparently, she was angry at me and Tasha and even at my son, and she was spiraling in her head and needed to talk to somebody, so she called her sister. And then I guess her sister spread everything around.

She said that she felt hurt and excluded, and that it feels like I always have a tighter bond with the kids, even her own daughter. She said that it seems like the kids always come to me with things and that she feels like I sort of just run the household without her. I don't feel like that's true. I feel like I take her input, and obviously the kids love her.

The kids do tend to come to me more often, but it's because they know I won't react the way that she does. I try to deal with a problem and move on while she can be a lot more dramatic about things and she can have some hang ups. I gave Tasha the safe sex talk when she got her period and I found out that her mother hadn't given it to her by then. I also ended up giving her most of the period talk, so it was a learning experience for both of us. Her mother, my wife, gave her pads, which she doesn't like, because apparently a girl her age wasn't supposed to use tampons, which was not true, for instance.

My wife said that she felt foolish and humiliated because of her image of Tasha too. Apparently, she has frequently bragged, to her family, not to me or anyone I much talk to, about how pure Tasha is and how she never went boy crazy like any of her cousins, partially out of motherly pride and partially as a justification for our lifestyle versus her family's. She said that it was humiliating after that to find out that Tasha has been having lesbian sex for years, and that it "broke her image of her innocent daughter." I told her it wouldn't have been so humiliating If she didn't tell her family, but that she acted without thinking, so I guess that ship has sailed.

I wasn't raised in the same kind of purity culture that she was, so I don’t think of girls as being good or bad based on whether or not they have sex, but it was shocking to her.

She said that she thought about all the times that Tasha and Juliet were alone in the house somewhere or out on what were probably dates, or all the times that Tasha has made some excuse about it being late or dark or snowy or whatever to have Juliet stay over, and she just started getting angry again.

I had to calm her down. I told her that she needs to look past being mad and that She really needs to make an effort to set things right if she wants her relationship with Tasha to work. I told her, pretty plainly, that Tasha will be 18 before Christmas, and that it's up to her to decide if she wants us all to be together as a family then, or if she wants Tasha to be celebrating it at Juliet's place, or for that matter at my parents house with me.

It seemed to get through to her enough that she was able to get out of her head and push past being mad. She doesn't want to lose me, she doesn't want to break up the family, and she doesn't want to lose Tasha. I got her to drop the idea of punishing Tasha, and we all hugged it out as a family.

My wife told Tasha "It's fine if she's gay" And she said that's not what she's mad about.

She insists that she was angry about being lied to, and that she would have responded just the same way if Tasha had been sneaking around with a boy for almost 2 years under her nose with Everyone else knowing about it.

I'm not completely sure. Tasha herself thinks her mom is being a little weird about it because it's a girl, and She has been a little weird around / about Juliet. Not sure if that's understandable or not, all things considered.

My wife said again, to Tasha, that she was horrified about the things that her side of the family was saying, and that she was sorry for mentioning anything to her sister. I had already had Tasha go ahead and block most of them, and my wife said that that was totally reasonable and fine. She told Tasha that she always thought she was so innocent and that she never thought about her this way but that she wanted to know more about this side of her life and for them to be more open with each other.

Tasha seems glad that her mom isn't flipping out about her anymore, and she told me she was glad I talked to her. I told her that I'll always be here for her, and she was very grateful for that.

As for my son, he apologized to his sister privately, and he also told me he was sorry that he set this off. I told him not to blame himself. He said he never had any intention of tattling out of spite or anything like that, and that he totally understood why Tasha kept things the way she did, not just because of the freedom it got her and Juliet, but because of how he knew my wife would flip out regardless of how she found out. There hasn't really been a good time yet for me to try to address the open door policy and whether or not it's something that he's going to have to abide by, but that's a matter for another time anyway. Tasha is nearly grown, and I'm pretty sure that her mom is going to be being extra nice to her, so hopefully things aren't too awkward.

My wife was very pissed off, and the p seems to have triggered some of her hangups and family baggage, but she's not anywhere near wanting to divorce me. I Love her too much to imagine parting from her myself, so I'm glad this is something we can get past.

I've had long talks with Tasha, and she's immensely relieved that me and my family will always support her, regardless of whether or not her mom's family ever changes their tune.

Thanks for all the comments. They gave me a lot to think about and a lot of perspective. I knew it was going to be rough getting my wife to come around on all this, but in particular showing her the effect that her lashing out had had on Tasha and the upsetting face her family had shown, was eye opening for her. Sorry if this is long, but the last few days have been a lot.

Comments

PrestigiousTrouble48: I’m glad to hear your wife calmed down and is trying to repair her relationship with her daughter. You are an amazing father and should be proud of how you handled all the different personalities and emotions.

Magerimoje: I really hope your wife goes to therapy ASAP.

Even setting aside Tasha being gay, if the kids are avoiding telling her things about their lives because they're worried about how she will (over)react, then she really needs to work on that, especially before they become adults and stop telling her anything about their life because Mom can't handle hearing it without some type of negative reaction.

You sound like a really great dad, and you're handling this really well so far. Hopefully your wife is willing to see a therapist to learn to change her behaviors.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My husbands father moved in with us- would appreciate advice.

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, emotional abuse

  July 26, 2023

Please let me know if this is not the right place to post this but I’m in a pickle. Also using an throwaway because my regular username is pretty known.

My husband (35M) and I (33F) have been living together in a 2 bedroom apartment for 2+ years now. Recently, his mother kicked his father (70M) out. My husband had his father move in with us into our 2 bedroom apartment. I was told it would be a few days, maybe a few weeks. It’s been over a month and since then, his father has said that he has no intention of moving out. Important note, his father is on the lease along with my husband as this apartment has been in the family.

He has taken over our guest/my office, and other than coming home drunk and trying to “explain” his side, he has kept to himself and apologized. He has not been paying rent but my husband wants to talk to him about splitting rent 3 ways.

We are stuck either moving out and moving in with his mother, renting another place, me moving back in with my folks, or we buy a house that quite honestly, I don’t think that we can can afford right now. We live in a major city where costs are out of control.

I feel uncomfortable and like I can’t relax. My husband says I am the one most unhappy with the current arrangement. I have told my husband I am considering moving in with my folks for a while and he is upset.

My parents and friends are pressuring me to move out, but feel like I am about to blow up my relationship over what my husband considers to be an inconvenience. I feel heartless by being upset because I know his father is in a tough spot too.

Am I being unreasonable and wrong for being upset? And is it bad that I want some space from the issue?

Edit: hi everybody. I just want to say thank you so much for all your advice and assistance, you’ve given me a lot to think about. To be clear, if his father was ill or if incapable of caring for himself, it would be a-whole-nother conversation. I fully believe in caring for one’s family and loved ones when they need help, and I hope I don’t sound heartless.

My husband and I sat down and decided that I will move back in with my folks and he will move in with his mom short term. His dad will keep the apartment. I’m heartbroken, we are still together but we will no longer live together for a while. In addition, I feel guilty that I couldn’t be patient or strong and suck it up and just be okay with the set up.

  Sept 4, 2023

Well we’re in the process of moving out. My husband will move in with his mother and I am moving in with my folks. My father in law is officially in the apartment and we are still finishing packing. He will be finding a roommate and will be keeping some of our furniture, but that is a small trade for peace of mind. His dad has said some rude things, like “don’t blame me if you split up” but outside of that, I haven’t really spoken to him.

I ended up going away for 2 weeks by myself and it was really great to work on rebuilding my identity, outside of being in this relationship. I really enjoy being alone. I’ve also been looking at cheap homes for sale just so that I can have something I call mine, not feasible rn because neither my husband nor I have the money together, but gives me something to dream about.

My husband and I have been speaking everyday. We’re still together but he said some things to me in the fallout that I’m struggling with. Specifically “our connection must not be that deep if you’re leaving”.

He has since taken it back and said I am not to blame for any of this. He is excited to focus on parts of his life that he feels he has neglected, so overall I think he’s feeling okay.

We’re still together but I’m worried that me moving out means the end of our us, neither of us want this but it has become clear to me that he would rather displace me and him than deal with family conflict. I am not used to standing up for myself, but I refuse to be a doormat on this. Our emotions are all over the place, but we’re figuring it out.

I’ve also come across a bunch of articles about how men his fathers age are finding themselves alone because the women in their life are no longer willing to put up with their bullshit, which, It’s makes sense.

Not much to add, if anyone has suggestions for how to navigate or what comes next, I would appreciate it.

Thank you all for your support and really helping me see I was not fully in the wrong as I had been guilted to believe.

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP

I think to a certain extent women are starting to realize that the lives their mothers or grandmothers lived are no longer feasible, and men weren’t “trained” to expect this. So while women bear so much of the brunt of emotional labor, we are no longer able or willing to and men haven’t learned how to adapt.

For anyone who likes songs about female rage, Labour by Paris Paloma has been on repeat for the whole month for me.

  May 27, 2024 (9 months after last update)  

We lived separately from June to March, with us officially moving out in September (took us a while).  His dad started throwing my things into trash bags during the actual move because I was taking too long to pack. Then when I started crying because our home was being dismantled, he tried to comfort me as his dad huffed and puffed at my emotions.

I did a vacation with my parents, and took a month to go away by myself, he joined me for a week. We still met up almost every weekend to spend time together and bond. We still talked everyday but then my gal friend and I took a 2 week long vacation that I extended a whole month. I invited him to join for some and he declined.  On our last night together before I left, we got into a fight about how I seemed distracted. This resulted in me sobbing alone, in his mother’s basement for an hour.  We made up, but it still stuck with me.

I learned a lot about myself in this trip. I traveled, met new people, tried new foods, and did things that I used to only dream about. Alone. I did it by myself and it felt so good to reclaim my identity.  My friends said I was glowing like they hadn’t seen in years.  While I was away on my trip, he checked in, but things felt different, at least for me.  Didn’t call me or offer to call, not even on my birthday. But that’s on me too, the telephone works 2 ways.

I came home. We saw each other that weekend and were discussing plans for the future. I mentioned that I want to go back for a few months later this year- and he fell silent. I admit, I shouldn’t have brought this up at all. But I felt disingenuous not mentioning it because this is what I wanted to do with my future.  He stayed silent on the way home and got out of my car and told me not to come in. I got emotional, babbled about losing myself in the relationship and I realized I needed a step back, and I asked him for a break. He said “okay” and slammed the door.

I took the time away to think. He called me saying he spoke to a therapist, didn’t want to lose me, and that he was so sorry and he would do better.  This weekend, he came over to my parents house with flowers. I cooked us a meal, we ate together and talked, then I told him I couldn’t do it anymore.  He asked when I stopped loving him and I told him the truth. That I loved him and I’m still in love with him, and that’s what made this so difficult. That I’d been fighting for months.  That I missed myself and she was finally back.  We’d both been growing, but separately. He said that his parents’ relationship shouldn’t have an effect on us. I told him that they didn’t, but the choices made after did.  He told me he’d be willing to break up and wait for a few months, but I also can’t promise him something I can’t guarantee myself in the future.  I gave him back the rings. We spent the night together crying, reminiscing and laughing.

I love him. I will always love him. I want to be with him, but I can’t right now. Actions have repercussions that we don’t always see until we hit the breaking point.  I’m so heartbroken. 

Could have done more, be more, do, something?  How do I convince myself I did the right thing?  Did I do the right thing?

TLDR: Just wanted to give the update that no one asked for or wanted, but my marriage is over, I think for good.  Y’all were right. How do I pick up the pieces?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

i'm curious

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 21st May 2024

- 23rd May 2024

- 31st May 2024

Ex Gf who broke up with me because I won't have a tattoo of her name wants to reconcile after 2 years. AIW for telling her " Fuck Off?"

We dated for 2 years. She loved tattoos & maybe had 6 tattoos when we were dating. TBH, I never liked tattoos but I don't judge people's for having it. Once we had a argument on a topic that she had a tattoo right over her vag*na written as " James Property" ( James is my surname ). She said she had done this for me. I appreciated her but also I told her it wasn't necessary.

I told her she doesn't need to show her love by marking her body & I love her for being herself. She took it offensively & started to argue with me saying I don't love her & I don't appreciate her efforts for our relationship. He had an argument but was able to solve it & pass through it.

Then she asked me to have a tattoo of her name in my neck as her birthday present. She knew that I absolutely hate tattoos & I do participate in blood donation events so its a big no from me. I told her she can ask anything but I won't have any tattoo. She again started to argue with me but I was farm with my decision.

Then she lost it. Called me names, shouted at me & accused me for using her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from her at that moment. I realised our relationship was getting toxic. I wanted to end it but wanted to give it another go because I loved her. To my surprise, She broke up with me saying she can't be with someone who doesn't love her. Before I could do anything, I found myself blocked in her every social media.

2 years passed since then & I'm in lot better position right now. I'm doing really well & I'm earning a fair income too. I gained new hobbies. I met new peoples & became friends with them. But last night, I got plenty of messages from my ex asking how was I. I wasn't expecting this cause I almost forgot that she existed ( because of they way parted ways ) but I didn't reply any of them.

In Mid Night, I get bunch of calls from her but didn't pick any of them. In the early morning, she again called me & was sending me messages continuously. Finally I picked her call & she said we need to talk. I told her what & she Immediately said she made a huge mistake by breaking up with me.

That she misses me & she wants me back. She also said she won't force me for anything again & will try to remove those tattoos if I want. I was listening her but for some reason I didn't feel anything. Its maybe because my life became more beautiful without her in this 2 years & I don't want to sacrifice it. I just said " Fuck off & never try to contact me again". Then I blocked her.

Don't know what I did was right or wrong but I shared it with some of my friends today. Some of them said I did the right thing, some of them said I was extra cruel on her for saying it because she was trying to get a chance to fix our broken relationship.

AIW?

Comments

lirudegurl33

youre not wrong

sounds like she just threw out a bunch of how much she missed you and wont make you do this or that but never truly apologized for her emotional immaturity.

youve already created a new chapter in your life, just keep moving forward.

-Nightopian-

I don't think she missed OP. I think she's having trouble finding another guy who wants to see "Jame's property" written on her.

sumthingsumthingblah

It’s the grammatical error that bothers me the most.

Update - 2 days later

A little update :- First of all, I'd really like to thank you all for the support you guys have shown. To be honest, I wasn't expecting this but still it means a lot to me. I got a update on my current situation which I'd like to share.

Almost everyone of you guys told me to block her ( which I already did ) & move on. I was determined to move on but my Ex was seems like had other plans. Since I blocked her contact number, She started to spam call me. Every time I block e number, I'd get another call from a new number & it was my Ex. Asking me to meet her once & she wants to see me desperately. BULLSHIT !!! I wanted to change my number but Its hard cause my job requires a healthy communication with my co-workers & they always contact me on this number.

I was getting spam calls from her but later, I started to get spam messages from her friends saying to man up & meetup with her. They said she's badly hurt by my actions & she still loves me a lot. They also said My Ex didn't date anyone in past 2 years & was celibate because she was working on herself to be a better person for me. ANOTHER BULLSHIT !!

They said many more things but I just blocked them without replying. Then I started to get spam calls from too. Wtf is wrong with these people? I picked up few calls & they were absolutely furious on me. Bad mouthing me, cussing me, calling me names, calling me not of a man & saying they will find a better person for my Ex than me, that I'm a piece of crap & I don't deserve my Ex at all blaa blaa blaaa. I just laughed loudly which maybe made them more furious. I just told them I noted their contact numbers & Now I'm going to take legal help. To my surprise, their calling stopped immediately & since then none of them called me once. COWARDS !

Now Here I did something which can make you guys angry. I MET WITH MY EX today because she promised me that she will leave me alone & never bother me again if I agree to meet up with her once. I believed & told her that I'll meetup with her in a nearby restaurant. She said she will book a table for us & we fixed a time for meetup.

When I reached on the spot, I saw waiting on table. This is the first time I saw her in 2 years & She didn't change that much. The only thing changed that she got some more tattoos on her hand & on her shoulders. She was brunette but now she coloured her hairs blonde. She proceeded to hug me but I rejected. I told her that I'm in a hurry because my gf is waiting for me ( It's not true because I'm not dating anyone & I have no interest to spend time with my Ex ).

She looked hurt, took her eyes down for a min & regained herself saying She understands & she won't take much time. She asked me to sit & I did. She then said to apologise for how she ended things between us & how she regretted it every single day. She said she was a shitty person back then & now she can realise how much damage she had done to our relationship back then.

She again apologised to me saying she understands if I have nothing to do with her, If I hate her or don't want to see her again, If I wish her death because she thinks she deserves it. I was silent & hearing all these & I could see tears were rolling from her eyes. I just told her that I don't hate you & I'm sorry for being rude to you in call & I congratulate you for improving yourself & being a better person. She thanked me. I asked her if she still had the tattoo on her?

She said Yes & She has no intention to remove it. I told her to remove it & move on with her life. Then I told her I need to leave & she said she wish all the happiness for me & she's happy because I finally met someone who will take a good care of me. I thanked her. She said she will keep her promise & she will never contact me again but she wished one day we can be friends in future. She then said goodbye & both us walked away in different ways.

So that's it. I didn't get any calls / text from her or her friends since then. I feel like that this is a closure I really needed & now I'm free in my life. I feel fresh & I can move on with my life without any types of hesitation. I wish her the best & hope that she finds true love in her life.

Thanks to everyone. I really appreciate all of you for showing the support. Thank you once again.

Comments

Fluffy-lotus606

So she had everyone harass you repeatedly to… tell you she’s sorry? Doesn’t sound like she grew much. Glad you told her your gf was waiting 😂 TBH all these people sound like absolute trash. Good luck in the future far far away from this nutbag and her flying monkeys.

grumpy__g

I am not sure. Crazy people have crazy friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s their crazy way of helping.

OOP: I just hope she keep her promises. Not gonna lie, but she seemed mature & behaved than before. I wished her luck & I hope she gets happiness in her life.

Update - 8 days later

Hello Everyone. Yeah Its me again. It's been a week & I'm here to update about my situation. Also I'd be clearing some doubts & people asked me in my DM.

Did she tried to contact me again?

• Many of you in my previous post said that she's not done with & she will try to contact me again. Good news guys ! It seems like she really became mature enough. Since last week, I didn't receive a single message or calls from her. Even I didn't get any messages from her friends as well. Some of them blocked me & some of them apologized for their behaviour.

Did she removed the tattoo?

• Like I said in my last post, she didn't remove it. She said she will keep it. Even though I told her to remove it & move on with her life, she said she knows & she will manage. I didn't took it further.

Did she make any sexual offer during the meetup?

• No she didn't. She looked emotional & she was asking for forgiveness the whole time.

Is it true that She was celibate for past 2 years?

• In her words, She was. She said she knows I won't believe it & she doesn't know how to prove it. She said since our breakup she was a total wreck & was able to understand how much toxic she was. She said she seeked therapy & did work on herself for improvement.

Why did she involved her friends?

• She said she didn't expect it. Infact her friends assured her that they will convince me to get back with her so she trusted them. She also said sorry for it & said she will make sure that our friends doesn't bother me again about her.

My current relationship?

• In my previous post, I said I was seeing a co-worker. Yes ! WE ARE DATING NOW ! 4 days ago, I got a proposal from her unexpectedly. It was a perfect moment for us. I hugged, kissed & slept together for first time. I made it official in my account & my friends are congratulating me still now.

that's it. A wild chapter of my life is finally closed. I'm set to put my step for upcoming future with my gf. Thanks to everyone who showed your support. It was really great & I respect all of you for that.

Wishing a happy life to all of you.

Comments

Ok_Mention_3308

This is a great (final?) update! Good for you OP!

OOP: You can assume it as final update.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

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