I am not the OP. That is . Originally posted on

Trigger warning: severe entitlement, sexual harrassment

Mood spoiler: good for OP

posted on May 18, 2024

Am I (19F) for saying no to My boyfriend (23M) who went from wanting a threesome to now wanting another girlfriend?

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a little over two months and are relationship so far is pretty good up till now. He recently told in passing conversation he wants to have a threesome. I ask why and he told me it's one of his fantasies. I of course shut that down, cause that's not how I role. If Im in a relationship with you. You are my person. End of discussion. Then he proceeded to tell me he thought I would be down because I'm not straight. Shocked, I tell him just because I'm attracted to other genders, doesn't mean I'll sleep with multiple people. That's very different. Then he let out that the person he was thinking about doing the threesome with was one of our coworkers. I immediately say absolutely not! Cause that's a disaster waiting to happen. Pouting he drops the conversation.

Now reddit, today he went from wanting a threesome, to wanting another girlfriend!!!! We were at his moms talking about work and the other coworkers there. When he brings up this girl will call her A. (I dont know A very well but working with her is nice, I have nothing against A) He begans to tell me he sees us and A having a relationship together. I asked him why and his reason was that he sees himself as a amazing man, and that He wants to build the connection me and him have with someone else. he wants me to be apart of it and ok with it. I told him no, he's in a committed relationship with me. He then fires back with well I personally find A attractive, just like how I find you attractive.

At this point I'm in utter disbelief. He then says is it wrong to think other people are attractive. I say no, plus it's wrong to assume id be ok with you getting in relationships with other girls and just expect me to be ok with it. He then says wants to get to know other people on a more intimate level. I tell him there other ways he could do that, make friends. But that just went right over his head. He then says that if we're to ask A she would be on board with it cause he thinks she likes him. Cause why wouldn't she. At this point I'm practically speechless.

Then later that same night we got on the phone a talked about it some more. At this point I'm in tears, practically telling him that fact that he wants to get intimate with someone else makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong as a girlfriend. He then tells me no, I'm an amazing girlfriend and that he loves me. I fire back with if he loved me, he wouldn't say shit like this to me. He would see me for who I am and not try to find someone else to have fun with just because you think you deserve it. He then tells me I'm not being fair. So reddit am I being unfair?

Update 1: I'm a little new to reddit so bare with me. I wanted to take the time to clear up a few things. For starters I want to say I did not meet my boyfriend at work, we met through a dating website. He started working with me a little after we made it official. And to those people who think he is possibly polyamorous, He is most definitely not. I actually brought up That notion and he didn't see himself as that. Also when we first met on that dating site, his profile said monogamous. I even took some of your guys's advice and mentioned a man to have a "threesome" with or another "boyfriend" and just as I thought he saw that as gross. He didn't see anything wrong with it being a woman since I'm not straight. As of right now I have not broken off with him yet because he is being very good about not mentioning it since the last time we talked about it. I got very firm with him one night and flat out told him not to mention it to me. He then said he would ask A just to see if she would be down. And to also prove me wrong. I told him to go for it. Because I know she has a brain in her head and she would never say yes to that ridiculous request. I'll update you all once I find out what she says.

Update 2: he fucking asked her. I was at work today when A came up to talk to me. She told me that my bf told her he thought she was attractive. A shut him down saying that weird of you to say since you have a girlfriend. Then she tells me he asked to touch her butt. And another coworker collaborated on her story. I feel so sick to my stomach. I confronted him about it when he first lied to me. Then he said why can't I do whatever I want. I'm so done and heartbroken I can't even put into words.

posted on May 22, 2024

UPDATE: Am I (19F) for saying no my boyfriend (23M) who went from wanting a threesome to now wanting another girlfriend?

If you haven't seen my original post I would go to that cause I edit update cause you can apparently post only one update. This is gonna be a long one so bar with me.

me and him are done. At least in my head we are. I haven't broken it off, I plan to but I need to go about this the right way, he can be pretty aggressive vocally so I need to make sure I'm going about it safely for me.

Monday I was at work, I was in my break when A came sat beside me and asked if I was mad at her. to be fair I have a rbf so I always look pissed off but that day wasn't a good day for me. i was stressed and i didn't really feel well. I told her no I'm not, I'm just stressed cause of work. She signed and began to lay it all out there. She proceeds to tell me not only did he end up telling A about how he found her attractive. He even tried to make advances on her. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I went to the bathroom and just cried for what felt like hours. A hugged me and told me she was sorry she had to tell me like this. I told her I appreciate her for telling me. She then said she was gonna get the manager and tell him I needed to go home. I told her thank you cause there was no way in hell I was gonna get back to work knowing all that. I ended up going home and my bf got off shortly after. That when had a talk.

I confront him over the phone on what A told me and how I was appalled and not ok with what he did. He of course denied everything A was saying. But after a few minutes of pressing on the issue he finally relented and said, ok I told her I like her so what you knew I had feelings for her so why is this a shock. I told him I was more upset at the fact he made advances on her. He said he never did that. I told Him I was gonna ask A then cause something is clearly not adding up. He told me not to. I asked why and he said she wouldnt tell me the truth. I said whatever and hung up and texted A. Just asking for more information then not even 5 seconds latert bf class back and asks why I texted her. I immediately ask how he knows I asked. He then tells me he got her snapchat. And she screenshoted my messages and sent them to him. I'm of course very confused and now I'm thinking is this Bitch trying to split me and my bf up so they can get together. We then started yelling and screaming at each other about how our relationship wasn't healthy and all our problems we had with each other. We fought for about 2 hours. Then we ended the call. During that time while I was at home I was talking to A about what happened. And she says that she was only trying to help. She doesn't want to come between me and my bfs relationship and that she only screenshoted my messages is cause it her phone and she was confused on why I was reaching out to her. She then reassured me that she was gonna stay away from my bf. I thanked her and ended the conversation.

About an hour later my bf called me back asking me to come over. He wanted to talk in person. I didn't feel comfortable with that at first. But I ended up going but I made sure to bring my pepper spray and a metal poker just in case.

When I got there he was on his bed clearly crying. He looked so pitiful reddit I couldn't help but laugh in my head. I might have let out a Snicker. He then proceeded to apologize to me telling me he loved me. I asked him what he's sorry for he then said for hurting me. We sat in silence for a good while. We ended up talking things out. Then I left to go home.

The next day at work my general manager came up to me and asked me what happened the day before. I told my side of the story and he told me that A made a complaint about what happened and that he has to now treat this as an investigation. I of course get worried about the outcome. I ask if my bf is going to get in trouble he said no, he was just gonna get a Stern talking to. Now as of writing this he has been talked to once and is going to get talked again. I think personally he is very bi polar. Cause he went from being apologetic to seeing nothing wrong to what he did. This will be my last update if you guys have any questions Ill answer them under your comment. But for now thank you all for the help and advice.

posted on May 23, 2024

UPDATE 2: Am I (19F) for saying no my boyfriend (23M) who went from wanting a threesome to now wanting another girlfriend?

I broke up with him. And it went as I expected. I read all of your guys comments and made a plan on how I was gonna do this I also had a close friend help me do it. Basically I ended up deciding to call him. He answered right away. I told him we needed to talk. He said ok and if everything was ok. I told him no. Then I started to lay it on think about how much he has put me through in this relationship. And now the drama that's has been happening this week is not good for me and it can't be good for you. He sat there silent for a good while. Then he started name calling saying I'm a bad girlfriend for not respecting his boundaries and listening to him on what he wants. I told him what he wants is crazy. We bicker back and forth until I finally just had enough and ended the call and blocked him. After that I called my work and put in my two week notice. I am currently looking for a new job.

Reminder - this is a repost. Please don't comment on the original post.

I am not OOP. OOP is who posted on .

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Editor's Note: I did some very mild editing for readability, mainly I moved the small update below the major update in the second post so they appear chronologically.

Trigger Warning: Physical violence

January 25, 2023

(throw away account)

Me (43f) and my boyfriend (47m) have been together for about 6 months, but have been friends for a long time. He is divorced, has a full time job and takes care of his children (12&14) full time. I was single, no kids. My boyfriend has been taking care of his kids full time for 4 years now. He is doing very well as a single dad, lots of respect for that. I get along very well with the kids, they’ve always been nice to me. Problem is: I think he spoils his kids. I’ve always kept my mouth shut about this until 2 weeks ago.

Example: at Christmas we went to dinner at his parent's house, his sister was also there with her family. His youngest comes in with his laptop open, connects to Wi-Fi and starts gaming with his back to everyone over dinner. He hardly said anything to his family. I found this very disrespectful, especially towards the grandparents.

Another example: my boyfriend always cooks dinner. Sometimes 2 or 3 different things to everyone's liking. His eldest then refuses to eat what she "ordered" herself, gets mad because she gets hungry and makes BF go to the store or get take-out late at night.

Another example: The eldest usually sits upstairs in her room. The youngest is downstairs gaming on his laptop or playstation. When he plays on his laptop, he puts on youtube game videos on the TV. That means that we (the adults) can never watch TV. We could watch something that everyone likes, but we can’t because 12 year old controls the TV. We just sit at the kitchen table and talk a bit.

He always gives his children what they want, he never tells them no. They never have to do simple chores like load the dishwasher or feed the dog. BF does everything alone. His children treat him like a slave and it hurts me to see that, but it also irritates me.

Because of this, I don't like coming to their house anymore. As a result, he only comes to my house to fuck (literally in and out) making me feel like a whore. That hurt, so I finally poured my heart out. I told him he raises his kids to be spoiled and entitled. He was very offended by what I said. He said the divorce was hard on the kids and he had to “fix” them. (They lived with their mother for a while where they were neglected according to him).

So this blew up and I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks. He keeps texting me and asking if we can talk to work it out. I miss him very much and I really love him but I don't know if this can be solved. I don't see how things are going to change. I know it's easy for me to talk for someone without kids and I understand very well that it is difficult as a single father. But if he doesn't teach his kids manners, I don't know how this could work out. Not even for me, but for him and for the kids. Life is going to be very difficult for them when they find out that they can't always get their way. AITA here?

Commenter:

The purpose of dating is to find someone who shares your values.

He does not.

Move on.

Commenter:

Your bf is in the position of feeling sorry for his kids about the divorce and that their mom is crappy and neglectful, I get that. But, he is indeed spoiling them, trying to be oh so good to them to make it up. He can’t. He is causing them harm by prolonging the dysfunction. Neglect or over-spoiling…both are the wrong way. Kids feel better when they are part of a healthy working unit/family. When they contribute they feel self-worth.

He should have them doing chores and he should stop catering to their unreasonable demands. But unless he understands this, and wants to really make the changes, well, your role is limited. And you need to decide based on one more conversation if you want to be a part of his plan going forward. It’s good that you pointed out how he is failing his kids. But you can only decide to stay or leave. and you can tell him: I want to be part of a healthy family where everyone pitches in and adults have some priority over what kids want. Stay or go based on what the situation is, not what you wish it was.

January 31, 2023 (6 days later)

(Update after my latest post, throw away account)

My boyfriend and I continued to text each other after our big fight. We slowly got a little more understanding of each other and decided to see each other again. Remember: we really do love each other (or so I thought).

He came to my house a few times and I came (though hesitantly) to his house. Everything was ok as he assured me that his children (14f and 12m) were not aware of our argument. They were just nice to me again, as usual. We talked and had a drink. At one point, the oldest went upstairs to her room and the youngest stayed downstairs on the couch playing video games.

My BF went outside to walk the dog. He wouldn't be gone for more than a few minutes. I sat at the kitchen table with my phone as the youngest son got up and tossed his empty glass onto the counter from a distance. Of course, he missed and the glass shattered on the floor. I said to him "Why would you throw a glass? You know it will break!"

I got up to pick up the big shards and asked him to get the vacuum cleaner. I was bent over, with my back to him. The 12-year-old came out of nowhere and low-kicked me against the back of my thigh really hard. I banged my head against the low kitchen cabinets and tried to catch myself with my hand. But I already had some big shards of glass in my hand so I had big cuts. It didn't seem too deep but I was bleeding profusely.

His sister came downstairs because of the noise and shouted: “What have you done???” She cried and she tried to help me (she really did) but I got up, got my things, and got the fuck out of there.

Once home I pulled out the shards out of my hand but it kept bleeding so I drove myself to the ER. I got 12 stitches in 3 different cuts on my hand. Luckily no permanent damage. I also think I had a (mild?) concussion because I had trouble driving to and from the hospital, and because I was still dizzy for 2 days. I also have a big bruise on my leg where he kicked me.

During my hospital visit and the hours after my ex blew up my phone. I didn't answer because I was so mad I thought I would say things I would regret. After two days I told him what had happened. He was surprised by my story, he said the kids told him I freaked out at his son because he dropped a glass. I showed him pictures of my injuries but he doesn't believe it happened as I said.

Obviously, this is my ex now. I don’t want anything to do with a delusional man like that ever again. Let alone with his demon children. I told him I was going to report assault to the police, and that I have the hospital records to back me up. He begged me not to because he's afraid he'll lose his kids. Their mother is not a good alternative, so they might end up in foster care.

AITA here???

To be clear, I don't want my ex to lose his kids. I still honestly think he's trying his best but he can't handle it. His children grow up to be entitled little brats!

EDIT: I recognize that I shouldn't call the kids spoiled brats. They are a result of their upbringing. Also: the youngest has been doing martial arts for the last 2 years because he was bullied at school. Another parenting decision that I don't necessarily support (not in that context) but that's another discussion.

(small update) (Editor's note: same post, a day later)

Well, this blew up beyond imagination. Thank you all for your (mostly) kind words and advice. So I called the police today and made an appointment with a police officer that specializes in family matters. This will take place tomorrow.

Also, I want to clarify some things because I couldn't respond to every post.

My ex and I hung out a lot longer than 6 months, so I did get to see the family dynamics before we got together. I just didn't think it was that problematic at the time.

Dad and his ex went through a difficult divorce. I don't know many details but I do know that things were not going well at the mother's house. The kids were removed from there and went to live with their dad permanently. So they are already in the system.

I know dad has been called to school a few times because of fights involving his son.

Brother and sister seem to get along aside from the usual siblings arguments. I did hear dad and daughter say (on different occasions) that son is getting bigger and stronger and sometimes hurts her (unintentionally?) I never had the impression that he assaulted his sister.

I think the daughter is a typical teenager who is grumpy at times and often isolates herself in her room. I don't see any problematic behavior there, other than the fact that Dad is bending over backward to attend to her sometimes ridiculous needs. I didn’t say anything, I just thought he was spoiling her rotten.

Dad says the son is on the autistic spectrum. I've never noticed any of that (I'm not a specialist) other than that he throws a tantrum almost every time he doesn’t get his way.

Dad once told me that the son was bitten by the dog because he teased him. But I have often seen the son cuddling with the dog. I don't think he's hurting the dog.

February 1, 2023 (8 days later)

Update from my previous post

I needed a day to reflect but I got my shit together and called the police and made an appointment with the local police officer, that was today. I sat with him and told him everything that had happened. He was very patient and understanding and let me tell my story. I explained to him that I didn't want to press charges but that I had concerns about my ex's family and that I would like them to get help, but I don't know how. I don’t want to get the son in trouble, I want to get him help.

He said that as a police officer, he couldn't do anything for me because I didn't want to press charges, but that he had been working with a social worker for years and called her right away for advice. He summarized my story and asked if she was okay with being on speaker. We talked but unfortunately, she didn't have much time so we made an agreement that she would call me at the end of the week. She did tell me and the officer that it was important to document our conversation, along with photos of my injuries. I said I didn't want to because I didn't want to press charges. She explained that it was only a document of this case to go on file, in case it might be needed later. So I agreed.

I followed the officer into some kind of interrogation room (that's what it looked like). He typed out my statement and I signed it. He called in another officer (a woman) to take pictures of my injuries because I had to pull my pants down. They took pictures of my hand and the bruise on the back of my leg, which is still dark purple. So now I have to wait for the call from the social worker.

Commenter:

Why did you not want to press charges? 12 is old enough to know not to abuse someone like that.

Commenter:

Excuse me? You don’t want to press charges? What country do you live in? Cops, by law, must file charges in any case of domestic or sexual violence. I don’t care if he’s 12 or, in a recent case 6 years old. Cops should be opening an investigation and contacting the DA’s office for charges. The child needs to be removed from the home, tested and placed somewhere he can get the help he needs.

OOP responds:

I am one of those few dozen people who do not live in the US

Commenter:

I sincerely hope you don’t regret not pressing charges. That kid is too young to be diagnosed with psychopathy, but if he seriously harms or kills the next person? And all you did was make a report? Really? Lady, the signs are all there. Hope it turns out well, for everyone’s sake.

Editor's Note: OOP hasn't been active on this throwaway account since the last post, so I am marking this inconclusive. Although OOP decided not to press charges, the story didn't really feel finished and we never heard from her again. If you disagree with the flair, comment below.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 25th May 2024

- 27th May 2024

AITA for snapping at my husband for repeatedly bringing up breast surgery?

I 27F have been married to my husband 34M for over a year. We’ve been together for 6 years. He’s a gym freak which I don’t have a problem with except for when he sometimes tries to impose his routine on me (pressure me into adopting his dietary habits). I exercise too (I’m 5'6"/130 lbs) but I enjoy my food and nothing will change that. that’s not what I’m posting about tho.

Lately I can't wear a dress without him telling me I look good but that I would've looked better if I had that breast augmentation surgery. He never complained about my breasts for 6 years until the past 4-5 months. I’ve told him before that I’m not against it but not planning to get one (it took me years to regain my confidence because my mother used to make hurtful remarks about my chest like if it's something I didn't achieve).

A few days ago we were having sex and he didn’t hesitate to remind me "again" that I would look 10 times better with the implants which turned me off instantly. I don't remember what I exactly said but I said something along the lines of "I know how it feels. nevermind you’re the perfect size. the big ones hurt anyway" He got mad and called me immature and all. Mind you he’s been pressuring me to have the surgery for 4 months now and I never snapped at him. Edit: (I'm an a-cup)

Yesterday we were getting ready to go to his friend’s wedding but I ended up staying home. He brought up the surgery again and I snapped at him. I reminded him that we dated for 5 years before we got married. He had plenty of time to realize that I'm not good enough for him and break up with me to find a woman who has what he’s looking for. (I do have eyes. He’s right I’m flat chested but I have a nice body overall). He said he loves me and wants to be with me but feels he could be more attracted to me with bigger breasts. I ended up telling him to go alone. I can't shake off the feeling that our recent arguments are taking us down a toxic path. It's not the kind of relationship I want for us.

Is this worth considering divorce over? Other than this we do get along very well but I feel like he’s taking me back to the days when I would stand in front of the mirror for minutes thinking I would never find a man who would like me if I myself don't like what I'm seeing.

Edit: for the weirdos asking/going to for pics to see if they're a handful or not. I'm asking if his behavior is acceptable or not. Not if I'm really flat chested. I am. I don't need to send any pics for you to judge.

Comments

Sunny-SJ

He tells you quite regularly that he finds you lacking. He even goes as far as to bring this up during sex. This is not the actions of a respectful loving spouse. You were well within your rights to make a mean comment to him. Funny how people who regularly dish out cruelty are the ones least able to take it. If you agree to the breast augmentation I would willingly bet a large sum of money there will be something else that he will want you to fix. You having bigger breasts won't fix whatever his issue is.

lolzzzmoon

Exactly. It’s the “grass is greener” syndrome. They want what they can’t have.

I’ve had dudes tell me they usually prefer blondes & ask if I would dye my hair blonde—NO. Go find an effing blonde! Or a woman who already loves dyeing her hair.

Jesus what is it with these people.

pantysailor

I also want to point out that if you have augmentation surgery it’s very likely that he will then think he can ask for other things. Possibly even use this surgery as a reason to do them - “yeah but you did your breast augmentation and it was fine! Trust me, do this.”

People who don’t respect boundaries will continue to push the second you show them they can. Whatever happens, don’t do the surgery.

GoGetSilverBalls

My first husband talked to me about this same thing.

I said no.

He then had his best friend call me...AT WORK...to ask why I wouldn't agree to it.

Divorce followed promptly.

NTA.

cousin_of_dragons

Where do they get the effing audacity?

GoGetSilverBalls

Alcoholism and narcissism.

Since our divorce decades ago, he has had multiple arrests (DUI, resisting, the like)

Several years ago, I got a phone call from him from jail asking if I'd bail him out. This was Over 20 years since we'd been divorced.

I handed the phone to my then husband and said tell him never to call again.

He did.

Fact is stranger than fiction.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 2 days later

I had no intention of mentioning divorce not until I get some answers that could help with my decision. I was hoping we would end up agreeing on counseling or something. I just wanted an honest conversation to know if there was a way to fill that void for him without ever getting the surgery.

I sat him down last night and just like usual he tried to change the subject. I made it clear to him that it's either we talk about it now or he never ever brings breast surgery up again. Well that did it for him. I asked him why he suddenly after 6 years together want me to get one. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. I told him if I'm to consider having one he needs to be honest with me about what changed in the past few months.

He grabbed his phone and showed me some women's pictures on his phone (and let me tell you they weren't Instagram models. They were 100% OF models). He showed me more than 5 pictures with no shame or the slightest consideration of my feelings. With each pic he said things like "See you would look 10 times hotter" "She's not even as gorgeous as you are but" I asked him if I decide to never get the surgery would he ever drop the idea. Like can we move past it. He said it's something he can't stop thinking about because he really feels like he would be more attracted to me and that I myself would feel more confident with the boob job.

I do have eyes and just like I know how small my chest is I know that I have a nice body figure. People see, people compliment so they can't all be liars. I asked what he ever liked about me in general because from the pictures he showed me I didn't see any woman that resemble me even a bit. He said that I'm gorgeous and have a killer smile and he likes my curvy hips. I asked if there's anything else he likes about me in general (I was hoping he would mention something other than my body or anything) and all he said was "Your lips" I told him since I'm considering breast augmentation surgery is there anything else he thinks I could fix so he feels more attracted to me while we're at it. I hoped that he would at least say other than my boobs he loves everything about me. he said "you're good". (From the grammatical errors you could tell I'm not a native English speaker. I'm Brazilian)

I told him I will think about it and said goodnight because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing my tears. I don't know if I'm just naturally stupid and never paid attention to the red flags or he just decided to show me his true colors now that we're married. By the way since some asked. Yes he does know about my history with my mother (every woman in my family is a c-cup and up. including my younger sister. I'm the only one with a-cup😂).

He initiated sex later and I told him there's a lot on my mind right now. He didn't even argue and after like 5 mins said "I will pay for it. Don't you worry about that"

When we met he was around 230 lbs (he's 5'8") and never went to the gym before (he's 190 lbs now). I'm mentioning this because some said I hooked up with him for his looks/physique. Physique wasn't on the table back then. But it never/would matter to me as long as the person in front of me cares about me for who I am. I myself not perfect. Anyway he was so insecure about his looks and I never ever said a thing about it. I used/still voice how I love this and that about him. I boosted his ego just for him to decide that he would be more attracted to me if I get a boob job after 6 years together.

And for those saying I'm lazy for not going to the gym with him and that he wants what's best for me (I said I do exercise) yes I'm an a-cup and I know it's not for everyone and I respect that. But I'm fucking gorgeous. My mother/him or anyone else won't change that. (I'm a babe deal with it) He himself used to mention how I get looks all the time when we're out. I felt hurt and cried because it hurts to not feel desired by the person you love the most and want to be desired by.

Other than that I'm perfectly happy with my body. And if I ever decide to get the boob job I will get it for me not for someone who finishes in 2 minutes and can't even hit the spot. I need time to make a plan before I start the process. When everything is ready and I have a place lined up I will serve him the papers.

By the way I will initiate sex tonight and every night until the day I serve him(edit: I get it now its a bad idea but I will go with it for tonight at least). I bought a dildo today thrice his size and I'm using it right after he finishes. If he goes low I'm going lower until I have an exit plan ready.

Thank you to each and everyone who took the time to read my post and share their support/advice. Your words have really made a difference for me. Thanks to the men who offered their perspectives/advice. Your honesty has been eye opening🙌🏻

Edit: I never knew Reddit wasn't for such problems and that I wasn't supposed to post on this sub (I tried another sub and they asked for an account starting with throwara). I can't talk about this with family and friends especially not my mother. It's just embarrassing. The best option for me was people on the internet.

Comments

MadHatter_10six

I read your original post with my GF and we were curious to read an update. I'm sorry to see that your talk didn't have better results, but at least you know where you stand now.

We were both amazed at the shallowness and casual hurtfulness of your husband's disparaging comments; especially in the middle of sex! It's difficult to understand how someone could say something so damaging to a loved one's self-esteem and in so doing sabotage the health of their own marriage. All that just so he could have a bigger set of boobs to play with? Frankly, your husband sounds like an idiot.

I'm happy to hear that you're not letting it drag you down and that you recognize your own hotness. That self-confidence is really your most attractive feature. Don't lose it, but do lose the dead-weight that is your husband. Good luck!

OOP: Thank you. Both you and your GF are so kind

No-Astronomer6148

Good for you, your husband sounds like one of those basic guys who exclusively think with their dick. You’ll find better.

Active_Sentence9302

He’s sitting there, looking for and constantly staring at OF women with large breasts. He’s feeding this obsession and he’s an idiot. I’m glad she’s dumping him.

zootnotdingo

He’s obsessing himself right out of his marriage. Which do you think is better, a lovely, wonderful woman in real life, or a curated, fantasy girl online? Gross

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, threats, abusive behavior, stalking, assault, physical violence, gaslighting

  Apr 27, 2024

Throwaway account as my husband and In-laws are follow my main. I, 29 F, have been married to my husband, 30 m, who I'll call Alex. Alex and I met in college during our freshman year. We started off as just friends, and got married seven months ago. I've gotten along with his family, but we aren't super close but we're friendly enough. The problem is that Alex has begun to make me incredibly uncomfortable.

Firstly, he's begun to ask me who I'm meeting with, where, what we plan on doing, how long every single time I leave the house without him. At first, I just thought he was being protective and a good partner just in case something happened, but then he started checking my phone after the visits, vetting and researching each of my friends as well.

He also has been pursuing me to link my bank account to his, as he's "in charge" of the finances when he was perfectly fine with keeping them separate before. We fight about it almost every day.

Finally, yesterday when he was preparing to go on a work trip for two weeks in California, he demanded I wear a tracker so he could keep and eye on me while he's gone. I can't do this anymore, I feel like I'm suffocating and his family who I've spoken to about his worrying behavior just said he's being careful and protective as a good husband should. I need to gather my things together and find a way to be gone before he gets home without tipping him off.

He's always threatened that if he ever found me cheating on him he'd turn in divorce papers the same day. He keeps a filled out copy in his desk. I'm going to submit those the day I leave. But there's so much to do, bergen finding a new place to live, seeing if my job has any transfers available, packing and moving in two weeks. His return flight  May 11th, so I need to move quickly. I'm posting here because I don't have any close family, and I can't risk dragging my friends into this as we share the same friends.I just needed a place to vent, and ask if anyone has any advice on the easiest and safest way to do this?

Edit: oh my god you guys are amazing! I never even thought to not use his divorce papers. I'll check for cameras before I start any packing or prepping. I may also shred his divorce papers just in case and look into getting a lawyer for myself. I'm in a no fault divorce state, that much I so remember which will help. I'll update again when I know more. The tracker he wants me to use is a small clip to put on the belt or waistband. I'll wear it unless I'm going or doing something related to me leaving. No pets yet thankfully.

  Apr 28, 2024

So I've gotten a lot of support and helpful advice along with questions I thought I should clarify before I proceed with the update. Some asked why I'd be 'hiding' things from Alex regarding going out and who I'm meeting with. I don't, and I have nothing to hide. However when he begins to then double check everything I tell him with the other people there right down to each person I talked to and what I said. Did I send any text msgs, did I order food, how much did I eat, that's when it started to feel like I was slowly being pushed into a corner. It didn't start that bad, but gradually grew worse overtime.

All of the Reddit subs my in-law's families are part of are related gardening and diy so I highly doubt they'll see this, if so by the time they do, I'll hopefully be gone. I talked to my job and explained things to my manager. And they promised to look into openings in other states to see if they could get me into one. They'll have an update on that in three days. I trust that my bank account us secured, considering he's tried to get into it before and failed. I found one camera in the kitchen, another in the living room and one in our bedroom. As such, I've left them in place for now and done all other planning, either in the bathroom pretending I'm taking a bath.

I'm honestly staying away from the domestic violence services as my sister-in-law is unfortunately higher up in those considering she volunteers there and I have a feeling if I did show up there, they would know in a heartbeat. I can't look for apartments until I get the update from my work, but either or i'm still gonna be leaving the state. The day before I do I will be changing my number carrier and wiping my laptop and all of his electronics before I do.

I've met with 2 lawyers so far and had them look over the paperwork. My husband had prepared and both said that it did it have some clauses in it. That could have caused me some trouble down the line. What alarmed all of us close the fact that several of those clauses dealt with future children, and not as a hypothetical. Like several hair suggested I have a feeling he fully intended on getting me pregnant to keep me trapped and tied to him.

There are 3 other locations. My job could send me to and I have. As a precaution Begun looking into all 3 cities and housing in the areas. Just in case one of those, this is the one they send me to. Even if they don't have an opening that they can push me into then I will just have to quit, move and figure things out on my own. I have enough money to live and survive for a few months until I can pick up another job.

Unfortunately all of our friends are mutuals and would likely be unaware of the consequences of saying or sharing anything I do or say with my husband. I don't have any surviving close family and obviously my in laws are not a good resource to rely on. I am on my own unfortunately, other than the wonderful bonds, i've begun to make here. I will update again if I get more information or something else happens. Otherwise all update when my work gets back to me. I do plan on leaving before he returns, though. Just to make sure that i'm not anywhere near here at that time.

  Apr 30, 2024

Good news! My work has an opening I qualify for that will not only shift me across the country, but also comes with a salary increase as well. I've started telling my in laws and friends that I'm planning a surprise outing for when my husband gets back for just the two of us. This way, people don't give me odd looks if they see me out and about. I've even gone as far as asking MIL  to show me his favorite recipes.

Meanwhile, I've found a moving company that while small is willing to work in a storm. The reason is in five days, we're supposed to get hit with a large storm front. I plan to shut off the breaker and say we lost power if he asks just as several people here suggested and even send him a short clip of the storm.

I will have all of my stuff moved that afternoon, and I will be flying out once the weather has cleared enough to do so. I have a lawyer who will push my divorce through, and I've filled out the necessary paperwork so that I don't have to be here for it. I'm not suing for assets or alimony and I've shredded his divorce papers as well. I've set up a cheap payphone plan through cricket until this is all said and done at which point I will find a new carrier, number and phone. This one is being wiped and left behind.

My laptop is provided by my work, and the IT department inspected it thoroughly and it was clean thankfully. No other electronic aside from my laptop and new phone will be coming with me. If alex needs to talk to me, he can do it through my lawyer. Not sure if anything else will happen, my fingers are crossed that he doesn't think anythings amiss until after I leave - and I'm not turning the breaker back on when I do. He can when he gets home. My work is covering the plane ticket, so that at least is one expense I don't have to finagle in.

  May 7, 2024

Update 3: I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband.

It's been a busy week, but I've gotten so much done. Firstly, I am now out of the house and am currently in a hotel while I look for an apartment. It's a big city, bustling with people no matter where you look. We had a pretty bad storm system hit back home, that actually lasted two days. High winds, thunder, lightning and even hail everywhere. I didn't take much from the house, my documents, clothes and important sentimental items. I left all of the furniture and electronics behind. I cleaned the house top to bottom and took pictures on my phone so he couldn't claim I damaged anything when I left.

My lawyer has already started divorce proceedings, and my husband will be served on the 8th. His plane is due to land early morning, and the sheriff will be there at the house waiting for him. He is very much about public appearances and reputation. My lawyer will be calling him as well to inform him that I am more than willing to air out everything to the public about his actions if it means securing my freedom from him. I will go to court as long as I must to get this pushed through.

I haven't told our friends or his in-laws yet, I will do that while he is on the flight to prevent him from getting wind of it before he's handed the divorce papers. I will be calling around and explaining why we're getting divorced, to try and prevent him from twisting this into somehow being my fault. I don't want him trying to claim I had an affair or something so I want to get the truth out before he can twist this.

I'm... doing okay. I'm tired, but yet I feel almost jittery and off-kilter. I keep looking over my shoulder and monitoring what I say even when I don't really need to anymore. Hopefully that will fade soon. My work is covering the cost of the hotel, and I'm working on getting my other things in order. I also need to find a new GP as I want to get a full test just to make sure everything is okay. I don't know when my next update will be, probably when the divorce papers are filed or if we have to go to court to push them through. I will try to keep my head up, but it feels like I'm in a whirlwind or something with so many things to do and think about. I kinda thought it would be easier once I got out of the house but while the fear is smaller, somehow the number of tasks only seems to have grown.

  May 14, 2024

Sorry I haven't updated for a while, things got hectic and a bit chaotic honestly. Firstly, I'm working on getting an apartment still and have applications in at three different places and will hopefully hear back from them soon. I'm still going into work here at the new location, so I don't have to worry about burning through my emergency savings completely. I've gotten a lot of emails from Alex, his family and our old friend group asking question after question. I have only sent one return email to Alex, explaining that I don't believe we are truly compatible, and it is best we separate now. That his treatment of me when I'd done nothing to deserve as such was just as much of a deal breaker as cheating was for him.

I ended the email with the statement that I would not be contacting him further and anything else he needed to pass on to me or vice versa would be done through my lawyer. For his family and friends, I just typed up one email outlining everything that had happened and why I left. I told them I wished them no ill will, but that such treatment of his wife and partner was not acceptable. That should Alex get remarried in the future, I wished they would help support both partners and not just Alex.

Alex, from what my lawyer told me, was livid when he was served. The sheriff actually ended up booking him for assault on an officer and menacing due to the threats he was shouting. His father bailed him out in a few hours, but with the testimony of the sheriff, my lawyer believes I have a very good chance at getting a restraining order. Alex, upon returning to the house, apparently lost his temper again, breaking the dining table into pieces as well as the tv, and putting several holes in the walls. At least that's what one of the emails from one of our friends reported as Alex called him to help him clean up the mess.

My lawyer already has pictures of the house I took, with timestamps as evidence nothing had been damaged by me. My friend reported that Alex tried to claim I'd been the one to trash the house but the holes in the wall were at head height - Alex is 6'3", and I'm 5'4" so he knew that was false. Either way, taking the pictures definitely will help me so again thank you everyone here for the advice because I never would have thought of that on my own. My work won't share details of where I am, as I do work with some higher end clientele who value security and that information won't be gossiped about and no, I'm not some stripper or escort. I deal with contracts, notary and business management. As such, even if Alex tried to use my work to find me, he wouldn't succeed. 

NEW UPDATE

  May 26, 2024

It’s been a little bit, and I thought I’d answer some questions before giving my update. It may be a while after this until things change.

Firstly, No I didn’t bring my car. The public transport here is good enough to use without needing one. I have secured an apartment, and the building has good security. You need a key card to enter, and there is a security guard at a desk right by the entrance to the building. As part of my contract, I gave them a photo of Alex and his family so that even in the off chance they do find me, they won’t be let in.

The responses I got from the emails varied. His family said I was overreacting, and that I owe Alex an apology for the problems this has caused him. The pending criminal charges puts him at risk of losing his job if he’s convicted. Alex sent a long email, apologizing and pleading for me to come home. He said he was worried for me, that he is willing to go to therapy if it will appease me. He wants us to remain together, and he didn’t think leaving was an appropriate response to his genuine concern and worry for my health and safety. The friends gave somewhat lacking replies, saying that they didn’t think Alex was ever going to hurt me and that I shouldn’t be letting my imagination run away wild. As much as I want to say I was surprised by the lack of support, I’m honestly not.

He intends to fight the divorce. I am letting my lawyer handle it, and I am also pursuing a protective order as well. Once I got approved for my apartment, I also froze my credit. I’ve changed my phone carrier and number, as well as making sure none of my documents list Alex as next of kin or POA.

Some have asked why I was so paranoid about Alex and his possible future actions. The answer for that actually is somewhat simple – my grandmother. I loved that woman to bits. As a teen, she explained why my grandfather was never around. He was extremely abusive and manipulative, and her generation didn’t allow divorce really. She wouldn’t have been able to buy a house or get a good enough job to support her and my mother on her own. As such, she endured it, shielded my mom as she could until my grandfather died. When I felt like I may have been overreacting, I remembered how she’d said she’d always wished she’d been able to see grandfather for what he was early on when she may have been able to annul the marriage.

I don’t know when I’ll update again, maybe when the divorce goes through or if something big happens but until then, I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is **

, Posted November 11th, 2021, 8:42 AM GMT + 13

Been dating 34M for 3 months, I’m 32F. We are both child free and want to stay that way, or so I thought.

Before me he dated some girl from a different city but ended end of April because the distance was too much. He said neither of them have each other on socials or that and he deleted her number.

2 weeks ago, he gets a call out the blue from her and shock she’s pregnant. She didn’t find out until that day as she was still getting her period, she is not showing and only found out via a smear test. He was shocked and told me immediately, I asked him if she’d booked a termination and he said she had decided she didn’t want one and she had told him that he didn’t have to be involved if he didn’t want to be but he was the last person she slept with so he is the father. My boyfriend told her he needed some time to think.

I asked him why he needed time because he told me he didn’t want children. He said this was a lot to process and although he didn’t want children knowing his child was coming into the world changed things and he wouldn’t want them to not have a dad.

This obviously was a shock and I said how did he know it was even his, he didn’t take kindly this and said he couldn’t think of a reason she would lie. I said maybe for money and he then explained it wouldn’t be that as she is from a very wealthy family and she has a high paying IT job. She also told him she is happy for a DNA test to be done.

Thing between my boyfriend and I have been a bit rocky since as he has been in communication with his ex and even though he has consistently kept everything above board and shown me all conversations it makes me really uncomfortable. DNA test were done last week and last night she asked him if he wanted to come to a scan today but she understood if he didn’t as he hadn’t had the DNA results yet, but he said he would go with her and I was annoyed as I had planned to ask him to go shopping with me but when I told him this he said we could go a different day because he didn’t want to miss this.

Like I said he has been great and has constantly been checking on me and asking if I’m okay but I keep telling him I’m fine because I don’t want him knowing how angry I am he’s putting his ex first.

Anyway today I snapped. He came home (I was at his apartment) from the scan and he was so happy, he had an envelope which I’m assuming had pictures of his maybe baby in and he also had a shopping bag.

Before he could open his mouth I said ‘so you can take your ex shopping for a kid that’s probably not even yours but not go with me’. He looked shocked and said ‘I didn’t go anywhere with her after the scan, I needed socks and some other bits’

I scoffed and said ‘I hope the kid isn’t yours’ then left

It’s been 3 hours and he’s not contacted me,

I told my brother and he thinks I’m a psycho and an asshole but I don’t so Reddit am I the asshole

, Posted November 11th, 2021, 10:21 AM GMT + 13

Probably the quickest update but he texted me saying this.

‘The way you spoke to me was unacceptable and I will stand for being spoken to like that. I understand you are angry and in shock but how do you think I feel? 3 weeks ago I didn’t even know I was about to become a father, I constantly checked on you and you weren’t honest. Never once did you ask me how I was.

The DNA results came back an hour ago, she is my daughter. I will not have my daughter around someone who already resents her for something she didn’t do. I think it’s best we part ways. Anything of yours you’ve left here I will ship to your house and I don’t know I’ve left anything at yours but if I have please just discard of it.

I wish you all the best’

**Reminder - I am not OP**

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 18th May 2024

- 30th May 2024

AITA for threatening to kick out my niece after she hacked my daughter’s Roblox account?

My (38F) daughter (13F) has been playing this game called Roblox since lockdown first started as a way of playing with her friends virtually as well as curing her boredom. She was obsessed with this Roblox game that’s set in a school because she missed her friends so much and it allowed her to stay connected with them. Her interest in video games has developed into an interest into technology - she’s by far at the top of her IT class and has even started learning how to code in order to make her own game.

My sister (34F) and niece (10F) have recently had to move in with us after my sister discovered that her husband was having an affair. They’re staying at my house for the time being while she saves up money for a place of their own.

My niece and daughter usually get along, and they both bond over their interest in Roblox. Last week, my daughter was completely distraught and crying nonstop. She said that she saw her cousin playing on a Roblox game and realised her cousin’s avatar had a lot more items than usual. She decided to join her, only to realise that her account had been hacked and she’d lost nearly every item she had on her favourite Roblox game. She’d lost 800K of the in-game currency and nearly her entire inventory, which she claimed was worth over 5 million of the in-game currency. She had spent the last four years saving up for those items and everything was gone just like that.

My daughter began accusing my niece of hacking her account. My niece denied it at first, but quickly broke under pressure and admitted everything. The previous day, they had been playing the game together when I called them down to dinner. My niece has only been playing for a few months and I suppose she would be considered a ‘noob’. She begged my daughter to give her some of her items, and my daughter refused, saying that she should earn the items by herself. When my daughter came down, my niece decided to stay behind for a minute to transfer all of my daughter’s items into her account.

I tried to mediate the situation, but my sister is refusing to co-operate. She told me that it’s only a game, it’s not like my daughter spent real money on it. I attempted to explain just how much this game means to my daughter, to which my sister said that my daughter should count herself lucky that her biggest problem is a bunch of pixels on a screen. She said my daughter was a teenager now and was too old to be acting this immature over a game. My niece refuses to give my niece her stuff back and says it’s unfair that my daughter gets to have everything she wants both in real life and online. I told my sister and niece that both of them were acting like ungrateful brats considering how I was letting them stay in my home rent free.

Today, I gave her an ultimatum: if my niece doesn’t return everything she hacked from my daughter, they would both have one week to leave. I told her that I refuse to let anyone disrespect my daughter under my roof. AITA?

Comments

bamf1701

NTA. I am getting so tired of people telling other people that they are too old to love the things they love. Let people enjoy the things they want to and enjoy life. It doesn't matter if your daughter is too old for the game or if she didn't spend any real money on the items - what matters is that your niece stole from your daughter and your sister wants to give her no repercussions for this action. How much longer until your niece decides that it is not fair that your daughter has something else that she doesn't have and takes it from you, or that you have something that she doesn't and takes that? Theft is theft, and if your sister doesn't put a stop to it now, it can start a slippery slope, especially since that your niece has seen that she has her mother's approval.

Yes, your niece has been given a raw deal, but that is no excuse to steal, especially from someone who not only had nothing to do with why she has this bad situation, but who was sharing her home to try to help her out. Both your niece and your sister has taken your hospitality and broken your trust.

tanalilt

NTA. I am so so glad that you understand the value of time and effort your daughter has put into this collection, and the value of that to her. Compare it to stealing a collection of crafted items someone had made offline that they felt was precious to them, that they spent time and effort putting together. If your sister can't respect your daughter’s time and effort, then she can leave your home.

Listen_2learn

Your sister’s child stole. She stole from her cousin, who treats her with grace and shares her game.

She lies about it and her mother tried to minimize her bad behavior and blame your daughter for having more and being to old for the game?!

Isn’t lying and cheating why she’s in your house with her child? Why is she teaching her daughter to behave like the father she left for lying and cheating?!

She needs to go back to her house and deal with her daughter and husband. YWNBTA

midnattblues

Maybe it was the mother who cheated and she got thrown out..

And shes lying just to have a place to stay.

poorpajamas

NTA. At all. There’s a reason why your daughter has everything she wants - because she works for it and earns it by being a good girl!! She probably isn’t handed things like her niece, and she probably also takes good care of her stuff, which I’m guessing the niece doesn’t - and yes that’s entirely on your sister. I am so sorry. I know it can be so so so frustrating to lose everything on a game that you spent HOURS AND HOURS that turn into YEARS of saving and collecting and leveling up for and what not. It’s not “just a game.” It is also a hobby, a coping mechanism, and you learn a lot too. It’s a way to socialize with friends who can’t go out a lot, or if you WANT TO SOCIALIZE and have too much anxiety doing so sometimes! Along with so many other great things these kinds of games can do for people. That game has helped my nephew in ways I can’t even explain. Him and his siblings are absolutely obsessed and I would never think they would do this to eachother because they realize how much time it really takes to get your character to where you want them to be at. He also has never had a great time making friends and he has actually made a ton on Roblox, one he even got to meet in real life, and now they are best friends!

It’s not just a game. And your sister can sit on it and spin. I bet she’d be pissed if someone hacked her accounts for shows and Amazon and what not. It’s honestly the same thing!

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 12 days later

Thank you all for your advice! My sister and niece moved out last week, she’s in the process of getting an apartment and they’re temporarily staying with a friend of my sister’s for the time being. I warned her that if I contacted the developers, they would get her daughter banned, so either way my niece wasn’t keeping the stuff she stole, so she should try minimise her losses. She claimed I had no proof her daughter hacked the account and refused to compromise. She said I was petty and childish for making them “homeless” over a kid’s video game. And don’t get me wrong, I feel bad, I really do. My sister and I never really got along as kids so I was hoping at least our kids could have a good relationship with each other. But still, they were inevitably going to leave at some point so I suppose I only sped up the process.

Now that my niece is gone, my daughter seems a lot happier now. She told me she was perfectly fine, but I knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t. Some very kind and generous people here have offered to gift her some of their items to rebuild her account, to which I am extremely grateful, but my daughter said she felt bad about taking stuff from other people. I’d already reported my niece’s account, which seemed to have no effect. I’m not very tech savvy, but I considered contacting the Roblox developers to see if they could reverse the transaction. However, my daughter informed that doing so would only ban the account, losing all of my daughter’s items in the process.

I would like to extend all my thanks to the commenter that suggested I try and log in to my niece’s account. Believe it or not, it only took 5 attempts. Turns out that 10 year olds don’t have the best comprehension of Internet security. Surprisingly, getting into the account was the easy part. I spent an embarrassingly long amount of time looking up how to trade everything back - I swear I’m getting old. I couldn’t tell which items were my daughter’s and which were actually my niece’s, so I simply transferred everything my niece had just to be safe.

When she came home from school today, I told my daughter I had a fun surprise for her waiting on Roblox. Words can’t describe how proud of myself I felt when I saw the joy rush back into her face. The ironic part is that my niece had previously won this very rare halo item from this sort of lottery system, which my daughter claims is one of the most expensive items in that game. Now it was transferred to my daughter’s account, meaning that my daughter walked out of this situation richer than she was to start with. My sister just messaged me in all caps yelling at me that my niece has been through so much and I was just kicking her when she was down. She accused me of stealing from a little girl. I simply told her that, in her own words, it’s just a bunch of pixels on a screen.

Thank you to everyone for your support.

Comments

bkwormtricia

NTA. But your daughter needs better security on her accounts.

Ok-Conclusion6090

To be fair that wasn't really the problem here. It's not like her cousin hacked into her account and stole all her stuff...she left her account unlocked around her cousin because she didn't think that this would happen.

rak1882

yeah, unfortunately OP's daughter learned early that you can't always trust family...or people.

Adventurous_View917

Your sister really chose moving out over making her daughter give the items back? That's unbelievable

silkruins9

She's high on her own supply of entitlement, unfortunately.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 5th March 2024

- 6th March 2024

- 4th April 2024

1 New Update

- 31st May 2024

AITAH for not coming to terms with the fact that my wife cheated on me 14 years ago before our marriage?

I(35M) am married to my wife(37F) for 11 years and together for 14. We have a beautiful 7 years old daughter and our marriage has been great without any major problems until last year. Last year, I learnt that my wife cheated on me before our marriage. One of her friends became religious and confessed her actions to me which had me confront my wife.

She was shocked that I learnt it and apologized profusely about her actions. However, she said it's not something important now because we have been going strong and have a family together. She told me I should come to terms with it since it happened 4 months into being exclusive and she was a stupid girl out of college back then. My mind told me the same. It happened 14 years ago and we are happy right now. I decided to forgive her and continue our usual life.

Reality was not that great. My mental took a big hit. I realized it's not something that happened 14 years ago for me. The cheating happened for me when my wife confirmed it. I was less confident, could not have sex with my wife. I just could not get an erection for her. This turned into feeling disgusted being around her.

I even took a DNA and STD test secretly. Thankfully, our daughter is mine and I am clear of STD. Then a year of intense individual therapy started for me. I realized I needed to change somehow. I was not the same person I used to be. I also communicated my feelings to my wife and after pushing a bit, we started going couples counseling too. However, at the end of everything I decided to proceed with divorce. Here are my reasonings:

She not only cheated back then but lied to me for 14 years. She did not confess the action herself. Even though she apologized, she dismissed the fact by saying it's not important anymore

Young me was robbed of having a choice. Cheating was(and still is) one of the biggest deal breakers for me. If I knew it back then, I would have broke it off. I am happy with my life and I am glad that our daughter came to world. She is the light that shines the brightest for me. One of the biggest reasons I keep living but I still was robbed of a choice back then.

IC and MC could not our problems and my feelings towards her. It also started affecting family life which could affect our daughter. I think our daughter would be better off having us as co-parents instead of living in a broken family environment where consistent arguments are present.

Sex life is basically dead for me. We do have sex but I feel like those women on film/series that just lay and look at the ceiling waiting it to be over. The only difference is that I am a man. I do not even want non-sexual gestures anymore.

Last week, I had a sit down with my wife and explained everything I wrote here in detail, my feelings, reasonings and some other private things. I have been talking to a lawyer for the last month and papers are almost finalized. 50/50 custody, 50/50 assets sharing and as amicable as possible. I explained everything thoroughly and clearly to her.

She freaked out and had a panic attack. We spent the night at ER. She is begging me to reconsider and not throw away 14 years. However, even though I would like to stay it will results in us being roommates and a broken family environment for our daughter.

Am I in the wrong here?

Comments

kgbjay

This isn't about being an asshole or not. You're not able to deal with something and it has changed your view of someone.

CatmoCatmo

That’s the thing. OP has tried everything they can to make it work. He didn’t throw his hands up and walk out. He tried. He really tried. But you can’t make yourself have emotions you don’t have, nor can you let go of one’s you’re currently feeling. There’s no right or wrong here.

awyllt

This isn't an asshole or not question. You aren't able to love her the way you did before, you no longer trust her, your relationship is dysfunctional, therapy didn't help. Calling you (or her - after all, she's the cheater) an asshole will solve absolutely nothing. All you can do now is to make the separation as smooth as possible for your daughter.

JBaecker

Someone else wrote this in a thread months ago and I still remember it. “The affair happened 14 years ago for you. It just happened for me!!” Like she’s had 14 years to process and lie about it and then to just…let it go. For OP, this just happened. He’s still dealing with all of it. And not just the affair, but the 14 years of lying by omission too. It’s brand new to him.

Also OP, NTA.

OOP: It happened on a girls' trip they went together. It was confirmed by my wife. Her friend told me she could not hold the secret of a sin anymore and decided to confess.About 4 months into being exclusive/couple(girlfriend and boyfriend). So, it's not before being boyfriend/girlfriend.Paper is basically an agreement with blank sections including custody, asset sharing and other marital things. I proposed my side to her and she is free to consult with a lawyer to propose her side. Both sides meet and come to an agreement. Then this agreement is proposed to a family court(in case of amicable divorce) to get appointment for the court case. I let her know beforehand that I am considering divorce and getting the draft agreement ready so she should also consult with a lawyer.

SquareSpare8723

How's your wife dealing with all of this? Has the anger presented itself yet or is she still in denial?

OOP: She has barely eaten since the ER visit and still in denial.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 days later

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for their ideas and input about my situation. Some people reached out to me on Reddit chat to state their opinions and we had long talks. They have been incredibly helpful and I want to thank them especially.

Some people asked if we went to counseling together. Yes, we have been visiting a counselor for over a year now on top of my individual therapy. I understand blowing up a marriage for something happened 14 years ago is not logical. However, my feelings towards my wife got even worse after counseling and therapy.

It started with not being able to trust her, converted to not wanting sex, then not wanting non-sexual gestures and finally I am not even comfortable to be in the same space as her. We have been less than roommates in the last couple of months. I do not hate or resent her but I just cannot shake off the feelings.

I would say I forgave her but it's not about forgiving anymore when there are no feelings and love. I do not want my daughter to grow up in such an environment. I know how hurtful it can be. I experienced a similar situation with my parents only the genders reversed. Living in such an environment breaks you as a child and teen. I would have much preferred if my mother just divorced my dad instead of staying for my sake.

These being said, I had a long talk with my wife this morning. She has not been eating much since visiting ER and I am concerned for her wellbeing and safety. Some Redditors who reached out suggested considering separation before proceeding with the divorce and see if my feelings would change. That is very logical actually.

I proposed this idea to my wife and she was happy to hear it. I have an upcoming business trip to Netherlands next week and I am planning to extend my stay and stay with my sister once I am back. Wife abruptly suggested one sided open marriage and I can do what I want on that business trip if it'll save the relationship, make us even and change my feelings.

I rejected because it has nothing to do with that. Even if it changed something for me, it would devastate her knowing I cheated on her in the future. It's not something easy to get over and not an easy decision.

That is all the update. We'll try separation for a while and depending on the result I'll make my decision. Thank you for all the help and opinions.

Comments

orizons190

It’s telling how quickly, just because you stood up for yourself, she went from “telling” and what feels like dictating to sudden panic attacks and “begging” instead. Would it have been different if she had gone straight to begging and contrition earlier? Hmm

unijackthedaw

Avoid falling for her self-abuse charade, which is intended to make you feel sorry for her. It's an attempt at manipulation.

horizons190

I understand blowing up a marriage for something happened 14 years ago is not logical

It is absolutely logical. As you said it yourself, it didn’t happen 14 years ago, the lies continued up to present day.

**Update 2- 1 month later**

I have a short update about the situation. I got back from the trip and decided to divorce my wife in the end. The last straw was when my daughter told me I look more lively and happier after I came back. I realized I am better off without my wife and just co-parenting our daughter with her. I still feel incredibly uncomfortable around my wife.

My wife did not take the news well and is going down the spiral. I called MIL and FIL to have them take care of her. She caused some problems. She sent threatening messages to her friend who told me about the cheating. I had to beg her to not sue my wife as I want my daughter to have a mother present in her life. Though, she'll be probably taken to mental ward. She is not well. Last time I saw her, I felt scared looking at her eyes.

Our daughter is with me now and we've started the divorce process. My lawyer told me if my wife to be taken to mental ward, there is a good chance that I can get better than 50/50 custody. One should be happy hearing that but I am just devastated how it'll affect our daughter.

Many Redditors told in the comments that dating life after 30s as a man is not good and I'll be probably forever alone as no-one will want me. First thing is: I do not care. Our daughter is my first priority and dating is the last thing I have in mind right now. Second thing is: I am confident in myself in every regard to finding friends and a partner.

I think this sums up my update. I will be back maybe in a year considering how long divorce process takes when it's not amicable. Thank you.

Comments

Tricky-Stock-7248

I'm going to say it, a man in his 30's that takes care of his look and looks healthy sometimes is way more attractive than any boy in his 20's that's just beginning to understand how life works

I hope it works for you, I've come from a family when my mom cheated my dad WITH HIS BROTHER and then he cheated back with her cousin, believe me, no child deserves to be raised in a family like that, your daughter is better with only one parent that's calm than with two beligerant parents that decided to stay together "for the sake of kids"

Your life won't end by now, I would leave my husband too if I'd find out he cheated on me when we were just beginning as a couple, cheating has no expire date

I hope you get better and find happiness

Update 3 - 2 months later

It's been almost 2 months since my last update. People have been asking about an update and here is one.

My soon-to-be ex-wife is doing much better. As far as I know, she is on anti depressants right now and started her own therapy. Also, she has a good support system around her so she is fine. Our daughter was with me most of the time and we spent a lot of quality time together. We have been taking her to a therapist, too. She is taking the separation much better than we expected. She is into drawing/painting and we have been practicing together. She has won 1st place award in a local competition in her age group and I am super proud of her. As smart as always :')

For the divorce, my wife agreed to an amicable divorce. We gave the documents to the local family court and will have the court seeing next month as scheduled. 50/50 financial assets and 50/50(80/20 at first) custody. She wanted to see our daughter only on weekends until she is in a better place. After that, we'll convert to 50/50. It's more desirable for me to be honest. I want to have our daughter an equal time with her mother.

I am staying at our house currently. I'll buy the share of my wife from her and she'll stay at her parents for now. They are very close to our house so it's good. My wife is planning to rent a separate place around the same area in the future. Time is passing and life is going on somehow. I am also in a much better place mentally and emotionally. I am on amicable terms with my wife and as long as we are not living together, I do not feel uncomfortable as I did in the past. Not much drama just life is being life and everything finding its own place with time.

Comments

SunSpot666

Congratulations, especially about the daughter not being traumatized.

OOP: Thank you! She took the divorce/separation much better than we expected.

Noc1c

Really boring update, which makes me happy

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My husband got a vasectomy and didn’t tell me

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, betrayal

: May 18, 2024

Throwaway bc my husband knows my main. I don’t know what to do. My (31F) husband (32M) - fake name Chris, and I have been married for four years, together for six. When we first got together we had several long talks about how we both wanted a big family. I wanted to be very upfront that child free is not an option, and I said I wanted to have at least four kids. I’m an only child and know how lonely it is, I also said I wanted to have them about a year/year and a half apart so they could grow up close.

He always wholeheartedly agreed to this and often made jokes like “whether we have 4 or 6, have as many as we want, it’s your call since you pretty much have to do all the work” and on our wedding day before we left the reception for our honeymoon he whispered “can we get outta here and get started on baby #1?” I loved how excited he seemed. To be clear I didn’t go off my BC until about two months after we were married and I got pregnant soon after with our first daughter Joy.

Joy was a happy pregnancy, long birth, but she was a beautiful, healthy baby. She went through colic which was trying, but other than that she was a happy first addition according to me. I noticed Chris became distant during my first pregnancy, but when I asked him about it he just said he had a lot in his mind being a new father. He said he was still excited, but something changed. For reference, we both work full time, I make about 20K more a year than him, and the five bedroom house that we live in was a gift from my mom who was very excited to be a grandma to many. My job is fully remote, but still offers maternity leave, and I have a nest egg savings for emergencies, and feel it’s important to mention this because I know finances can be a major stress factor when it comes to having kids, but not for me and Chris.

Then Joy came out perfectly, Chris had three months of paternity leave and was home with us for majority of that time. My mom visited a lot, and paid to have cleaners come. There were still a lot of long nights and it was tough for me to breastfeed, but overall nothing unexpected. Chris still seemed distant, but always helped with Joy. We have an agreed open phone policy, so I did check his phone quite often but didn’t find any sign of cheating. He goes through my phone whenever he wants too. I asked if he found me unattractive while pregnant and he assured me no, he loves me and he’s excited for our family.

Fast forward a year after, we’re sleeping through the night and I am back to work, saw my doctor and was cleared to try for bundle of joy #2, and Chris seemed very enthusiastic at this point. He even downloaded an app to track my fertility cycle so we could make the most of my ovulation times.

We had a lot of fun and he was always very passionate, but six months of trying with no pregnancy I started to worry. I’d voice my concerns and Chris would brush them off, so I tried to be patient, but then almost two years passed and Joy is growing up by herself.

I broke down to my mother crying and she agreed to come with me to the doctor to get checked out. I was very emotional and scared, but the doctor assured me everything is fine and that I should be able to conceive without any issues.

I went to Chris with this knowledge and he was very upset I went to a fertility specialist. I explained I thought something might have gone wrong during my last pregnancy, concerned that I was maybe blocked or infertile somehow. He said why not wait and “just let nature take its course” and I said “our little girl is almost three, and growing up by herself.” I reminded him of our plans and he just nodded and said all we can do is try. I asked if he would see a fertility specialist and he got angry, saying there’s nothing wrong with him and we don’t have the money for fertility treatments anyway. This confused me since we do have money, we have my savings and are doing pretty well.

When he went to sleep I decided to go through his phone again and went back through his calendar and call logs. I noticed about eight months after Joy was born there was a blocked day indicating he’d taken off from work, but it was in the middle of the week and I don’t remember any sort of special occasions behind why he’d take this random day off. I went through the call logs and found an office number about a week before and when I googled the number a local business where you could get a vasectomy appeared! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I instantly felt cold all over then started to panic.

I woke him up and confronted him. He just stared at me while I went off and admitted babies were harder than he thought and he felt like my first pregnancy took forever.

I couldn’t believe it. I packed my things, Joy and her things and drove to my mom’s house. She is in distress with my sudden appearance and my inability to stop crying. I finally told her yesterday morning what happened and she’s just beside herself. I don’t know what to do, but every time I think about how during sex Chris would talk to me about giving me a baby and he’d had the vasectomy the entire time. I feel so disgusted and stupid. I can’t believe my little girl is going to grow up alone. Chris has been blowing up my phone, but I just keep letting it ring and haven’t read any of his texts.

Edit: to those saying I “coerced” my “poor husband” into agreeing to a big family, nope. I was always open and honest about my dreams, told him it’s okay if he wanted different things, and he not only repetitively agreed and accepted, he also helped me plan, nest, put together the nursery and enthusiastically participated in conversations regarding having multiple children around friends and family, and always said we’d have at least 4. That was our number. Him getting a vasectomy behind my back was a complete shock.

Also, we’ve both always agreed to the open phone policy. I never “betrayed his trust” by going through his phone since I always had his consent to do so and he has mine. We even have the same phone pass code. I never wanted to be in a relationship where we kept secrets from each other. I know other couples feel different, but this is another thing he always 100% claimed he agreed with me on.

I vaguely remember one week where he actually turned me down for sex claiming he had a “head cold” and he didn’t join me in the shower like usual during that time, but I didn’t think anything about it. And no, men never need a wife’s signature to get vasectomy.

Comments

FantasticAnus: There's nothing wrong with child number one changing his mind, but he should have been open and honest about that and said that he wouldn't be having any more children, and then it would have been up to you as to whether you could live with that, or move on from him.

What he did, however, was duplicitous and manipulative. I don't think I could stay with a man who was so willing to keep such an enormous lie from me, one which impacts me, my daughter and my future enormously.

MyUsernameIsMehh: He has every right to not want more kids, you have every right to want more.

What he did not have the right to do was fool you for years. Men who have had vasectomies but hide it and "try for a baby" are beyond disgusting. Their wives think something is wrong with them, they go to specialists and sometimes spend a LOT of money on fertility treatments.

He's a spineless little shit (pardon my words, but it's true) who pushed you to have breakdowns over this.

He had every right to get a vasectomy, he didn't need your permission, but he had NO RIGHT to hide it and pretend you two were trying for another child.

: May 24, 2024

Some of you made some comments about my mom gifting my husband and I a house, paying for occasional cleaning services implying that Chris feels somehow emasculated by this, also implying I am “too financially dependent on my mom.” I make very good money, I have a sizable savings and don’t need any help, my mom was excited to buy this house for us as a wedding present. My dad passed away when I was young, he was wealthy and left my mom everything, so she shares his love since I’m her only kid. I make more money than Chris and always have. Yes his name is on the house, so yeah I’m gonna get screwed over in the divorce.

Some of you complained I “broke his trust” by going through his phone. He goes through my phone too. We have the same passcode. Some comments called this agreement between us unhinged, which to me is bizarre. Chris, I thought, was my soulmate, my husband and best friend. We don’t have secrets. I thought. Isn’t that the whole point of marriage? To finally have one person in the whole world you can tell everything to? To always be on the same team? Obviously I was wrong, and as many of you pointed out, that kind of love, trust and openness doesn’t really exist, and none of that matters now.

Chris and Joy seemed fine to me, but in hindsight there’s always been a hesitation on his part. I always thought it was just typical since the short while my dad was alive in my life I don’t really remember him being affectionate or warm. He was nice and played with me sometimes, but I don’t remember being held by him very much. I asked Chris many times if everything was okay when I noticed he was distant. He always said things were great, and give an excuse; just tired, work is draining, no big deal.

We’re in the US, and here a man can go get a vasectomy at any time. I don’t know what Chris told his doctor. For all I know he took his wedding ring off and gave a sob story, or probably just walked in and asked for the procedure. It doesn’t matter.

I’m really thankful for my mother. She’s heartbroken for me, and like many of you, she already knows my marriage is over. There’s been a lot of long nights of me crying that she’s endured.

I’m numb when I’m not crying, and keep getting this creepy feeling that nothing matters. We’re getting a divorce. I finally called Chris and he sobbed he was sorry, said he might be able to get it reversed. I’ve read a lot about vasectomies since my last post, and sometimes it can’t be reversed. It’s always a risk.

Again, it doesn’t matter. It’s not actually about the vasectomy. It’s that the person who I thought was the one person in the world that I could trust, that I was on the same page as, literally writing the book together, made this decision without me and kept it from me and the lied for years. I really thought what we had was true love. Now I’m pretty certain that doesn’t even exist.

Chris has not offered any explanation. He cried, begged my forgiveness and said again that he could get it reversed. Even if he can, the rest is irreversible. He never once answered my question. It’s really painful to talk to him, so after three times of asking and him each time dodging answering, and begging forgiveness, I finally just said to please leave the house and told him he’d hear from my lawyer.

He texted that he’s packed and left, and I haven’t heard from him since. He never once asked about Joy.

My lawyer says I might wind up paying alimony, but I might be able to get the house since it was a gift from my mother and Chris has never made any financial contribution. He also says Chris committed a kind of infidelity since he went behind my back to have this life altering procedure and admitted it, so that might help me.

To everyone telling me it’s gonna be okay, and I can still have more children…all of that seems impossible right now. My heart is broken. I’ve never experienced such sadness and the only relief is when I’m playing with my daughter. Her happiness is infectious. She is blissfully unaware, having the time of her life at grandma’s, but unlike her father she actually asks where’s da da?

I called work and took a medical leave of absence. I found a therapist.

My mom has offered to stay with me for a while, as well as hire a nanny.

Comments

BrightAd306: I agree with you. It’s not the vasectomy. It’s lying about it and defrauding you. Wanting your money, but not being a true partner.

Listen to your lawyer. Do what he says, and you’ll come out the other side. Even if you pay alimony, it won’t be forever

DangerNoodleDandy: I agree. The vasectomy and the fact that he hid it are a symptom of a greater issue.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT The OOP is u/RAkindoflosthere 

Planning to ghost him after finding out he’s cheating on me

Originally posted to  

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, property damage, emotional manipulation, mentions of sexual assault

  March 4, 2022

Found out my boyfriend was cheating a few weeks ago. Been spiraling since. Literally only running off of vengeance and pure disgust.

I got this weird gut feeling and checked his phone while he was asleep. Those 20 minutes locked in the bathroom felt like years, and the shame keeps me from talking to anyone about it. I moved across the country to be with him, so I’m all alone. No friends or family here.

He woke me up the next morning with kisses and breakfast and has been doing so a lot, lately. Probably the guilt.

He even bought me flowers for the first time ever. After me hinting at wanting them for years.

He thought my quiet crying was out of happiness. He even brought up buying a house for us, something with enough space for potential future children.

I’m still going through the motions. Making his breakfast and protein shake everyday, packing his lunch, making sure dinner is almost ready when he comes home from the gym.

What makes me the angriest is that I really, genuinely thought he wouldn’t do something like this. He watched his father cheat on his mother and father children out of their marriage, all while she struggled with infertility her entire life (my partner isn’t her biological son) and never had her own. She dedicated her life to the two of them and passed away of ovarian cancer shortly before we met.

Sometimes I think about whether she regretted staying with her husband or not. We have a small shrine in her honor and something makes me look at and expect guidance. I love the man she raised and hate the one her husband did. But they’re both him, and he’s a grown ass man more than capable of self control, so I decided to walk away.

Next week my car will be picked up and shipped back home, and I got first class tickets for me and my dog on his dime. He’ll come back home from work and everything I brought will be gone, along with me.

The only thing I think I might regret is not somehow being able to see his reaction when he walks through the door and realizes what’s going, lol.

 RELEVANT COMMENTS

Future_Ad8467

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's the hardest thing to let go. As hopeless as it can feel sometimes, it does get better. Take your time in the beginning, but I think it's therapeutic to confront him, eventually. Ghosting doesn't provide closure for you. In my experience, confronting the problem, head on, gave me a sense of closure. I try to take everything that happens as a life lesson. Good luck with everything

OOP

I personally don’t believe in closure. I got all that I needed when I realized he was untrustworthy

~

Odd_One_9972

Do you have access to his phone/computer?  Install a keylogger, then you can not only see what he's saying to you, but to the other APs as well.  I put a keylogger on my ex's phone/computer when I caught him cheating.  He was such a dumbass, and seeing the shit he was saying, the lies he was spewing, made me grateful I dropped his ass. 

OOP

I do, but I don’t think it would make a difference for me. His entire “relationships” with the APs was lies.

Everything from his name, age, college degree, occupation, city, height, and dick size. He even told one he was married and his wife was pregnant with twins. I almost had a heart attack thinking I was an AP too and he had a family out there somewhere.

~

 Suspicious_Bear_6634

If he can go after you, you should probably leave a note or a sign that you're leaving him because of his cheating. Seeing that you up and left without a known reason (from his pov) might push him to follow you home. If he knows the reason and knows that he has no chance in hell in getting you back, it might delay a possible confrontation.

OOP

you’re right. I’ve been considering just leaving a sticky note with a list of all the different girls names and the apartment key beside it. Simple and effective

 Suspicious_Bear_6634

Fuck, multiple girls?? Draw a little middle finger beside them while you're at it. And make sure there are little to no supplies (food, toiletries, cleaning stuff) left and leave the house dirty so that he can appreciate how much you did for the asshole.

OOP

7 of them to be precise. I’ll have to rush and get out within a certain time frame but I might just settle for shrimp in the curtain rods. He’s really sensitive to smells lol

   March 4, 2022

Almost every day my boyfriend sends me money for lunch, gas, something. I thought he was just really kind. Turns out he was cheating and giving me $$ made him feel less guilty, as though he didn’t beg me to move across the country with him where I know no one.

Once I found out I wanted to immediately confront him but was scared of the outcome since the apartment was only in his name and again, I know no one here.

Now I just save every dime of what he sends to be able to pay for the $3000 moving fees to go back home without hurting my own pocket too much.

Breaking my heart, destroying my ability to trust & scaring me off from men I can handle, but messing with my finances? Nah. never.

The transport company is coming next wednesday to take my car, and my plane tickets for me and my dog have been bought. Gonna keep up my happy act and do the usual cooking of dinner and scrubbing his back and poof on Wednesday like I never knew him. Its the only form of revenge I could do that wouldnt haunt me. Good riddance!

Edit: A few asked for details. There’s 7+ other women, everything he told them was a lie. Name, age, height, city, occupation. All of it.

The only common denominator was that he bought us all the exact same lingerie set for his birthday in January. 🙃 And specifically requested I hang it up in our closet where it’s viewable. Forgiveness is not on the table. He’ll be surprised, but I doubt he’ll be hurt.

 RELEVANT COMMENTS

purejones

I look forward to it, how did you find out if it’s not too personal?

OOP

Woke up randomly in the middle of the night and “he’s up to no good” was all I could think about. I sleep like a literal baby and never, ever wake up like that. Took his phone and locked myself in the bathroom while he was asleep and found it all.  

   March 5, 2022

I’ll be single again pretty soon and I’m looking forward to it but also not. Like yay! I finally can cook when/how I want to and don’t have to split chores and can do everything on my own my way.

But thats the only good part.

I’ve been on my own since I was 16 and I’ve turned out (mostly) fine, I have a paid off house and car, cute dog, debt free, and I’m finishing up my masters degree at 25. It could be worse.

But I’m lonely. I’m not on speaking terms with my family and had a huge fall out with my lifelong friends a couple years ago. I haven’t tried making friends since bc part of me hopes one day I can find a way to fix that friendship.

Plus I’m moving around so much that making friends is pointless. I’m not good at long distance anything.

I never prided myself on romantic relationships- sure, they’re cool, but a loving group of women was always where I found the most peace and understanding and that’s what I want the most.

I guess I’m just going through things right now and I really wish I had people I trust to talk to. Friend breakups hurt the most.

 RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP when asked how she had a house at a young age

 OOP

Neither. I lived with my friends and their parents until college started. Already had a scholarship. Just worked 3 jobs until I was 22 and lived frugally.

 ~

 Dufusbroth

The maths for time and money aren’t working out on this end but there is also a lot of variable/info that is missing.

It took my 7 years to payoff my house and I was contributing to it like it was an emergency. Qualifying for a home and paying it off in that amount of time without help seems nearly impossible. I’m so curious about the formula here! I need a lesson in finance from OP. When I broke it down on it just doesn’t seem possible except from a financial windfall counting even a frugal cost of living along with an accounting for taxes paid, etc… and that did not include the cost for transportation, medical, groceries, blah blah blah

OOP

The house was a 70k foreclosure and is 4bed/4bath. I was a golf caddy, gentlemen’s club bartender and occasional hostess, and notary signing agent. Along with selling stationary items on etsy. Also my scholarships paid for quite a bit of my home in general- they never specified what kind of housing for them, just housing. I lived in 1 room and rented out the other 3.

 Dufusbroth

That’s the info I was looking for- thanks you! That is very smart. Good going! Good luck with your situation- so interested how he reacts to your departure

   March 9, 2022

I found out my boyfriend of almost 4 years was cheating. We’ve lived together for 2 years and I’m leaving him tomorrow. He just doesn’t know yet. And won’t until after I’m gone.

As mad as I am, as betrayed as I feel, I still love him. All I really want is to wake up tomorrow and this all be a nightmare. I don’t enjoy this slice of reality.. that the person I loved the most has looked me in my eye and lied to me for who knows how long.

and every time I do it I’m left wondering how many times he did it. How many times did he wine, dine, and fuck other women and come home to me? How many times have I been the stupid girlfriend who trusted her boyfriend blindly? How many times have I been some woman’s laughing stock? Did he fuck us back to back? Did his friends know? Did they look me in my fucking eye and really not say anything? Did he love them? How many times did he tell me he loved me and meant it? When did he stop meaning it? Did he ever even mean it the first time?

I’m not a master manipulator. Unlike him. I’m just composed because I’ve never had any other choice. Emotions got you beat or worse when it came to my parents and I’m more than aware I have a shitload of trauma to unpack but I can’t.

Not in the self pity, woe is me, its too hard, but no. I probably just can’t. Therapists here are wildly westernized and once I start with the short list they’ll probably just charge me double. Maybe triple. And the last time I tried he kept trying to convince me I enjoyed my own assault.

Maybe I got cheated on because I’m emotionally inept. My intimacy levels are quite limited. The few times he asked about my childhood I either a) brushed him off or b) told him one thing I thought wasn’t that bad and he was so shocked I held out on the actually bad parts.

And that’s where the hate comes in. He knows what it’s like to grow up feeling unwanted. He knows what it’s like to lose your parents young. He knows what it’s like to feel like your entire life has been horrible event after horrible event.

But he still did this to me and I don’t get how he could. I could never cheat on anyone, let alone someone who’s shared such personal things with me.

I haven’t so much as made eye contact with another man since we met… other people were just other people and we were us.

I don’t know. I just don’t see being able to date again. I had deep seeded trust issues long before this and growing old by myself with 30 cats genuinely sounds nice. Hell, great even. At least I won’t always be wondering when the betrayal will come.

   March 10, 2022

Transport company came and picked up my car. Sold whatever big furniture I brought for low prices. Took his dog to the park and played with him a bit, got him a dog cupcake and took him back to the apartment.

Movers started coming for the rest of my stuff and I hadn’t prepared for our property manager thinking we were both moving out and we hadn’t given them the required vacancy notice. She came to talk to me right as my uber was coming and I told her what was going.

Unfortunately they had already called him bc only his name on the lease. He’s called and texted me a few times but I haven’t replied. His work day won’t be over for a couple of more hours.

I left my apartment keys, and anything he’s ever bought for me that I hadn’t sold already. Didn’t feel like taking that stuff with me. While packing I remembered we bought a pet camera that shoots treats on the entertainment center and turned it back on. I promised myself I’ll disconnect from it by midnight tomorrow but I have my own predictions about how he’ll react and I just gotta know for sure. Yeah, it’s fucked up. Sue me lol

I actually forgot to leave a note and was running out of time before my uber came and just left the lingerie set he was so obsessed with on the bed. He’ll figure it out eventually. Or not.

I’m at the airport now with my dog and just waiting on my flight. I wish I could say that I feel free but I don’t. Just tired.

Thank you all for the well wishes and thank you more to all of the other women who reached out with similar stories. I think I might’ve caved and stayed if you all hadn’t.

RELEVANT COMMENTS 

Suspicious_Bear_6634

What did he say on the text when they informed him that things were being moved out?

*OOP

Just that he got a call from property management and asked if I ordered something big and if anything was going on.

 March 14, 2022

Update: I turned it on for about ten minutes after I got back to my home and unpacked. He wasn’t there, but everything was a mess. There was a hole in the wall, furniture flipped over, papers everywhere, the kitchen looked like a tornado went through it.

I deleted all of my other social media accounts but didn’t block his number. The first two days he called me over 200 times. Lots of novel ass text messages and him admitting to some shit I didn’t even know about yet. Quite a few calls from his dad and friends too.

I didn’t reply to any of them

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My ex-wife [36 F] still keeps trying to get back together with me [36 M] and our daughters [16 F] want that to happen too

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU and & for finding the links

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, manipulation

  May 7, 2016

Doesn't really sound like a big problem, right? Yeah, well, while I wish I could just plain tell her to piss off and never bother me again, there is the matter of us having two daughters and sharing custody, so I can't excise her from my life on a permanent basis.

Not without removing our daughters too.

We married fairly early in our lives, back when we were 20 and we had been dating for three years before that. Our daughters were born in the very first year of the marriage, and there were some complications which meant my ex-wife would have difficulty conceiving again. Didn't matter to me at the time, because I was just glad she made it healthy and fine through the whole ordeal and that we already had two beautiful baby girls to love and raise up.

The marriage lasted for 9 years. Ended when I divorced her for cheating. I have absolutely no tolerance for it and I don't believe in forcing myself to suffer needlessly for shit that wasn't my fault to begin with. While this might sound incredulous to some folks, any love I had for my ex-wife was pretty much killed when I found out about her cheating and the details behind it. So yeah, this isn't a thread about me moving on from her. I've done that 7 years ago. Hell, I don't even hate her, I just don't give a damn about what goes on in her life unless it concerns our daughters.

The problem is that it's only me that moved on from the whole thing. The ex-wife, her family, and even our daughters, have kept trying to get us back together even though I have made it plain for everyone that I have no interest of ever doing that. Me not dating at first for a few years after the divorce might have been giving them false hope, but I sure as fuck wasn't going to jump into another relationship so soon after. Not with our daughters to look after.

They were my number one priority, besides my own issues which stemmed from the ex's cheating. Those issues, by the by, got resolved with the help of friends, family and some counseling. So yeah, that's over and done with.

I have no issue in communicating with our girls. None whatsoever. Anything else? They can understand it just fine. There's never been any fighting, no yelling, no nonsensical teenage rebellion (thus far), no tantrums thrown and so on. Pretty great, right? Except this whole thing. They know about her cheating on me, and it was their mother in fact who told them about it, some three years ago or so. I imagine she's been feeding them some kind of bullshit since then and I've asked her countless times to stop with it, that it wasn't helping anyone, that it only prevented them from moving on.

But the ex-wife didn't stop, she apparently just got subtler about it.

In all the years since we divorced, she hasn't dated or slept with anyone else. While I suppose she thinks that admirable, I don't.

To be honest, I find it kind of insulting. When we were married, she fucked someone else, but now she's just fine going without sex for seven years?

Whatever. Not that it matters.

While I could ignore the occasional mentions of their mother, of how well she looks, of them showing me photos they took with her, obviously all dolled up for my sake, it's gotten worse lately. Why? Because I have a girlfriend. Clemence is not the first since the divorce, but she is the most serious relationship I had since my marriage ended. She also happens to be eight years my junior. Before getting together as a couple, we knew each other for four years through a shared hobby. So basically it was a gradual transition from being friends to being involved with each other. I can honestly say I love this woman. It was a surprise to me when I realized that, because while I didn't really want to admit it to myself, I was afraid for a time that what my ex-wife did to me damaged me on some fundamental level and rendered me incapable of ever truly loving someone else, like I once did her. 

Initially, my daughters had very little to say about our relationship, much like they didn't comment anything on the previous two I had post-divorce.

But then they started coming home (ahead of the schedule we set up in advance) and they'd find me and Clemence together (nothing compromising, not sex or anything of the sort). Then came the grumbling. Then came the "Why is she here?" question. Then came "It's not fair to mom what you're doing," as if I was actually doing this solely to spite or hurt their mother. So I sat them down and talked. And I talked and I talked, but they're just not getting it.

They simply won't give up on this preposterous fantasy of theirs where I get back with their mother.

Clemence, thank God, has been understanding and isn't upset by their behavior. She's basically saying to give them time, but I kind of doubt that will work. It hasn't so far, so I have no idea why more time would change anything.

Anyway, since I'm really all out of ideas, I figured I might as well ask you folks here if any one of you might have an idea how to handle this.

Is there even a way, an approach of any sort, that could work on my daughters realizing I will not, under any circumstances, get back with their mother?

Edit: more information.

tl;dr Wife cheated, became ex-wife. Our daughters keep trying to talk me into getting back together and aren't listening to a word I say about it never happening. They started acting grouchy and resentful recently once they realized that my relationship with another woman has turned very serious. Do I play the waiting game and hope they mature past this kind of behavior or is there something I've overlooked, something I could do to make them understand that even without this person in my life, I will never get back with their mother?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You need a chat with your daughters.

You say that whilst your mother and you are good friends, and have worked together to give your daughters a stable upbringing, there is no way in hell you are getting back together. You should say that if their mother thinks or says anything to the contrary, it's not going to happen. You say you like Clemence and if things go the way you want them to, your future will be with her, not with their mother

OOP

Already did that, dozens of times.

It just doesn't seem to be reaching them at all.

At one point, that was about a year back, they asked me why I don't want to get back together with their mother. When I brought up her cheating, and I admit that at the time I wasn't sure if I should have done that but I honestly couldn't think of anything else, it turned out their mother had already told them about it several years back! They keep using the same approach every time of how she's faithful to me now. When I pointed out to them that she can't be faithful to me given that we're not together to begin with, they just ignore that.

I have talked with my ex-wife about this on numerous occasions, possibly a hundred times by now, about not bringing our adult lives and messing up our daughters'. In one ear and out the other, as they say. At one point, I admit, I even contemplated going to court for sole custody, but I was advised it would not work out well for me, so I dropped that approach.

~

[deleted]

Do your daughters know the reason why you divorced? Do they know your ex cheated on you? I don't ever favor telling young kids that, but your daughters are nearly adults. It seems they are laboring under some delusion about why the divorce happened (likely fed to them by their mother without your rebuttal). Perhaps setting the record straight on that regard might help. You don't have to be disrespectful about her; you can be factual and still get the point across.

OOP

Yes and yes. I actually tried telling them about it a year ago, only to find out that their mother told them several years back, when they were just a few months shy of turning 13. They know their mother cheated on me.

Now, here's the thing that I think is messing with their minds: they never saw their mother as anything but loving towards me or them. Or at least they don't remember it if they did see her acting coldly and distant with me.

During her affair, and yes it was an affair, not just a one-time thing (not that I wouldn't have divorced her either way), she was very much the opposite of loving in bedroom. They never really saw that, nor should they have. My approaches for intimacy were often rebuffed and I felt more and more dejected until one day I realized, with the help of a very close and very good friend, that there was nothing wrong with me and therefore something had to be wrong with her, which is what led me to discovering the affair, because I started looking for reasons why our love life had suddenly dropped so much in quality and quantity.

And it wasn't just sex. There were the small things missing from our daily lives too. I know it sounds silly, but we always kissed at the front door, in plain sight, before either of us went to work. That's something, that only now in retrospect became plain to see, that was missing.

Bottom line is, their mother denied me even the most basic of affections while giving it to someone else outside of our marriage.

To me, that's unforgivable.

They don't understand that, they couldn't, not even if I told them (which I rather wouldn't), and how hurtful it can be when you realize that your spouse didn't really give a damn about you all that much.

So all this? All the regret and remorse and pining for us to get back together? To me, it's worthless. What's the point? Where was all this supposed love and guilt and remorse when it should have mattered?

  Apr 1, 2017

It's been a while since I was first here and I was reminded recently that I owed an update to the kind and good people here who helped me with our troubles.

A lot of things has happened. Among those things, my daughters actually stumbled across my post. I had no idea they even browsed Reddit, let alone this place. When I came home one day from work I found them crying. They pretty much jumped me, hugged me, wouldn't let me go and begged me to forgive them. Sadly, they had read one of my replies and found out the dreadful extent of my ex-wife's affair and how much it had devastated me.

It took us a while, but we got through it, as a family. There was nothing for me to forgive, they're still young and they love their mother, who took that love and used it to manipulate them. That's on her, not them. There was some much needed counseling, but after several months, the woman who was helping us heal and move on has said that nothing more needed to be done, and they should only check in with her once in a while, rather than continue their weekly sessions.

We're closer than we were before, but their relationship with their mother has suffered for it. Which I think is completely understandable, but I still cautioned them about lingering too much on what she did, since I had gotten over what she did all those years ago. That was something also resolved in counseling (both their own and our shared ones), so it's all behind us now.

I had a brief confrontation with my ex-wife about it and made it clear that she was to not talk about this getting back together nonsense any more with our daughters. I can't tell if it really got through to her, but my daughters have not been pestered about me since then. Or they simply ignore their mother and don't bring it up at home. Either way, so long as my daughters are doing fine, I could care less about what my ex-wife is doing.

Since the situation had improved, things had also become much better between my daughters and my girlfriend, so much that they actually started talking with her (rather than just exchange terse greetings and goodbyes), even occasionally asking for tips on something (girly stuff, of course), and I can't tell you how much it warmed my heart to see it happening for the first time.

I'll admit that also helped me push my thoughts in the direction of proposing to my girlfriend, who had been incredibly supporting and understanding through all of this. We had known each other for a long time now, spent so much time as a couple, and after all this mess, I didn't really think there was anything more I could to to express my love for her. However, I was beaten to the punch.

Two months ago, Clemence, together with my daughters, surprised me one day and proposed to me. I have to say that I felt very odd, but also very happy. Not just the proposal, but that my daughters had actually worked with my girlfriend on surprising me that day with dinner and a night out. To put it simply, I was blown away. It was a small and private ceremony, with only our closest friends and family attending. Currently, we're also expecting, and my daughters are looking forward to having a baby brother or sister to spoil.

tl;dr: My daughters had found my previous post and saw in one of the replies how deeply I was hurt by their mother's cheating. Asked for forgiveness, there was no need for it. We worked through our issues together, both at home and in some counseling, and we healed from it and got much better. Even their relationship with my girlfriend had improved, so much that one day they helped her arrange a nice night for us, where she proposed to me. We're married and currently expecting, with my daughters eagerly looking forward to having a younger sibling to spoil rotten.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

The Drama

This mostly kicks off yesterday when Automoderator makes a post to titled: "". At the time of my drafting this, the post had garnered 417 comments and a roughly two to one downvote to upvote ratio.

The text of the new rule is:

This space is inclusive & welcoming of LGBTQ+ Christians. It is prohibited to question the character, faithfulness to God or sincerity of LGBTQ+ Christians.

Debate against the inclusion & equality of LGBTQ+ Christians is not allowed. This includes asserting that it's a sin to be in an LGBTQ+ sexual relationship.

While all Christians are welcome here, we ask that you refrain from voicing a non-affirming position in this sub in order to help us maintain an inclusive & respectful community space.”

This is not received well.

Several hours later a moderator from makes a post in titled "". This post earned a roughly 1:1 upvote to downvote ratio and 604 comments.

A post is made to : "" at 60% and 363 comments.

A post is made to titled " has fallen" generating at least 62 net upvotes and 61 comments. This post is removed by the TrueChristian moderators and survives only as a screenshot posted to titled "" (100% upvote ratio, ____ comments).

Survey of Pride Discourse in and

• (~315 points at a 55% upvote ratio, with 2340 comments including a indicating the post had been reported at least 7 times and soliciting ideas about how should celebrate Pride Month, solicitation which generated 268 heated replies)

• (67%, 198 comments)

• (59%, 105 comments) (Ultimately removed by the moderators after, in their pinned comment, they noted that OP was banned)

• (20%, 40 comments)

• (40%, 57 comments, user deleted after OP was roasted in the comments)

• (83%, 49 comments)

• (84%, 40 comments)

• (60%, 206 comments)

Flair Nominations

• "" (From an unrelated thread on "How powerful are demons?")

• ""

Notes

1. Notable and unaffected Christian subreddits, at time of posting, include: and (Progressive Christian sub which had a few Pride-related posts that were pretty drama-free.)

2. Happy Pride, everyone! 🏳️‍🌈

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

WIBTA if I refuse to have intimacy with my husband?

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, car accident, body injuries, mentions of death of loved one, manipulation

: May 25, 2024

I won't sugarcoat any words here or make the situation in my favour. I need a very non biased opinion.

Around Mid August of 2019, Me (28F) and My husband (35M) tied a knot between us. He have two kids from his previous marriage. He and his ex wife are co-parenting their kids. I really love the kids.

One of the major factors why I got married with him was kids. I have reasons for that. My father died when I was 15. My mom wasn't so highly educated, so with that less education qualification, she couldn't provide for me and my other 3 younger brothers all alone. So I started to do part time jobs. I babysat, cleaned people's yard, took out pet's for walk, did assignments of my classmates etc. I earned really little amount of money with that but it helped my family slightest. When I was 17, I took a food delivery job.

One night, around 10-11 I was dropping food at the other side of city. A drunk driver hit my cycle and I went into a terrible accident. The driver needed to pay a large fine for that since my condition was very critical. I had alot internal bleeding and damage. So because of that accident, my doctor confirmed that in future the chances of me getting pregnant is very less, it will be a miracle for me to have my own kid. I was at the lowest part of my life because of that accident. I couldn't go out or do my work on my own. My family took care of me. It took me around 8 months to get well.

At first I didn't mind having a childless life but when I started to notice my friends are having family, I realised the beauty of motherhood. So I started dating guys with kids. My husband was my second bf. We tied knot after we dated for 10 months. When I got married his son was 11 and his daughter was 7. I got along with them well. It took them few months before they started to call me mama by their own. I left my job to be the stay at home mom for them, honestly I really adore them. I have a good relationship with their bio mom too.

After COVID, we went to Belgium for our 2nd anniversary on 2021. The trip was all good and I remember feeling so loved. The day before we were supposed to come back in our home, he proposed the idea of opening our marriage. If I say I was hurt it'll be a understatement. I couldn't look in his eyes without feeling hollow and sorrow. I said no multiple times after coming back from the trip but he kept persisting.

After couple of weeks I gave up and agreed. He set the terms. I don't remember most of it but few of his terms was never share this information with others, we can't date our exes or friends, no emotional attachment with our partners and always use protection.

In his words, he still loves me. He only opened the marriage because he wanted to gain experience and use it on our marriage. I remember going to sleep all crying and hurt. I gave up on my job to take care of him and the kids yet he yearned for another woman. We became distant. He noticed that and tried to initiate intimacy with me but I don't feel anything at all. I just lay there until he is done. I also distanced myself from him.

The idea of him having intimacy with other woman while being in a marriage with me disgusted me. I couldn't look at him at the same way I used to. We always have our location on so I could see where he is going. Those used to hurt me alot untill I became completely numb at this point. Now I don't see him as my husband but someone I tied knots with to be a mother.

Last year, I told him I wanna start work again. He got defensive kinda? He tried to use alot reasons to show why can't I work. When he saw all of his tricks going downhill he pulled the kids in the mess. He knew I have soft spots for his kids. I didn't back down that time. He gave me cold shoulder and went on trip with one of his gf. I applied to be a teacher at my brother's high school. He is the youngest of my all siblings and a sophomore. I am teaching chemistry in his school. My husband was mad at me for having a job for few months but he gave up. I started to give myself alot times.

Since the kids have extra curriculum activities they always don't stay at home. I have a friend circle from high school. I hung out with them every two weeks. I met a guy in my workplace. He is 29 and have three kids with his late wife. One day I ranted about my whole situation. He showed interest in me after that. He is a nice guy. I went on few dates with him. Nothing physical happened between us. I think I am relying on him for mental support since he is very supportive of me. I haven't felt something like that for a long time in my life.

Now few days ago, I went to salon and cut my hair short into shoulder length. My husband complimented me multiple times that day. The kids went to their grandparent's house for summer vacation. During night, he tried to initiate intimacy. Well I straight up said no for the first time. I think he got taken aback? He had mix of few expressions that I can't put a finger on. He started to use the husband card on me and I put my foot down to say no.

We had a huge argument and he left. I saw his location, he went to one of his girlfriend's place. He didn't contacted me for 2 days now. Now I am stuck between two thoughts. Even if I don't feel anything towards him he is still my husband. I can't share this with anyone so I need advice on this.

Relevant Comments

RndmIntrntStranger: INFO: Is having children really worth a husband who demanded an open marriage and did not want you to have financial independence?

OOP: He wasn't like that from the early days. After COVID I noticed some changes but didn't pay any attention on that. That time all I wanted was to have a child to raise like my own. Before him I dated another guy with a kid, he was nice but he had alot issues. Plus I resigned from my previous workplace with my own thoughts. I really wanted to devote myself in the kid's life. It was a mistake but now I have a job which pays me double amount than before. I still love the kids, they are all I could ask in a kid.

Significant-Dot-2260: Girl, the marriage was over when he proposed an open marriage. Just divorce, love yourself more. A man who truly loves his life doesn't go outside the marriage for anything. Your husband just wants a stable life at home and someone to watch his kids when they're there, and all his fun with another woman. He's selfish, get some therapy, divorce, and live your life, and once you heal yourself, you'll be blessed with a man who truly loves only you. Don't waste anymore time and tears on that man

: May 26, 2024 (next day)

Last night I made a post about my current situation of my marriage and asked for a non-biased view. There almost 300 people who responded and gave me advice. I couldn't respond all of that since I was overwhelmed with alot emotions. There is few things I want to clarify.

Firstly, I met my husband after my graduation when I was looking for a job. I made things official with him after I had the job. We dated for 10 months before getting married.

Secondly, His ex wife and he were childhood sweetheart who married each other when they were in college. After the birth of their second child, they realised they don't have the same bond so they got divorced and have 50/50 custody.

Thirdly, few people in my previous post asked me to make things official with my coworker. I would do that when I am ready. Currently my mental health isn't in the best position. I am working on it. Plus I can't have intimacy with anyone whom I barely know. We've been coworkers about almost a year but still I am not ready to make things all good.

Lastly, those who are saying I am using sex as a punishment, it's quite opposite. He barely comes home. He is always out with the kids or his girlfriends. I would love to add he doesn't have one but three girlfriend and yes all of them are aware of my existence.

Now to the update.

Last night I made a post about the current situation of my marriage with my husband. Asking if i would be the AH if I refuse to have intimacy. He haven't came back in last three days or contacted me. The kids talks with me daily. I had few conversation with their bio mom too (they are over her parent's place).

Honestly I thought he will get over it or won't bother me for a long time, but I was wrong as hell. During lunch, my mom came over to visit me. she asked if everything was okay between me and my husband. I didn't lie this time and straight up said no. We had a long conversation about my marriage and I was relieved after that. It felt so good after sharing everything with her. I am not ashamed to admit I cried like a kid in her arms while explaining everything. She stayed with me entire day. She called one of my younger brother (26) and told him everything. If I say he was mad it'll be an understatement. He asked why the hell I suffered that much and scolded me for couple of minutes. With the help of my mom and brother I packed my stuffs. I didn't leave with any of the stuffs he got me.

Most likely we will get a divorce soon. I texted a short message in his number, thanking him for being my husband and I won't be continuing the marriage anymore along with some personal stuffs between us. With the help of my friend and family currently I am finding a lawyer. I don't know how long it'll take me to finally get out of the marriage. I left the house around evening and sent the sms around 7. After that I muted his number.

I also told his ex wife about this and needless to say she was as much shocked as everyone. Because he wasn't like that. She assured me that even after divorce she will let me see the kids. I am really grateful for that part. Divorcing him will be easy since we always had separate accounts. I have little savings.

Before I get on my own feet properly I will be staying with my mom in our old house. I turned off my location before leaving his house but it won't be long untill he figures out where am I. He is currently messaging me but I am not strong enough to open them and read them so I haven't responded or read his sms

Relevant Comments

chimera4n: Well done! If he gets upset, just remind him that he was the one who ruined the marriage by cheating.

I say cheating, because an open marriage only works if both partners are willing, a one sided open marriage is just cheating.

Bitter-Picture5394: Good for you. You deserve a life where you are respected and your feelings validated. You will find true happiness as long as you keep advocating for yourself.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AIO: I feel like a Dad a the daycare I work at is hitting on me (20f)

Trigger Warning: sexual assault, stalking, sexual harassment, mentions of CSA

: May 20, 2024

Hi! I work at a daycare, and I’ve noticed that one of the children's parents always makes inappropriate comments to me. At first, I thought he was just one of those people who always compliment others or that he just wanted to have a friendly relationship with his kids' educators, but now I think it’s more than that.

During my first weeks there, I was always assigned to his younger daughter’s group (the babies), so I would see him often. At first, it was brief friendly talk, but it really escalated when I started working with the older kids (4-year-olds). His other daughter, let’s call her Emmy, and I clicked right away when we found out we’re birthday twins. She always wants me to play with her and asks for hugs literally every two minutes. Whenever her dad comes to pick up his kids, she always makes sure to give me a big hug and tells her dad that we’re best friends.

Last month, Emmy’s dad and I ran into each other at the grocery store and started small talk. We were mostly talking about Emmy, and he just kept saying how much she loves me and that she wants me to come over to their house. I said something like, “Oh, she’s so cute. I love spending time with her too,” and tried to end the conversation, but he just kept talking. I noticed him looking at my chest a couple of times, which was one of the reasons I wanted to leave. He then offered me a ride, and although I initially declined, he kept pushing it, so I accepted. I didn’t let him see my house; I told him to drop me off downtown.

Since then, I keep running into him, but to the point where I don’t think it’s a coincidence. He doesn’t live in the same neighborhood as me (I live near downtown). In fact, when he dropped me off the first time, he kept going on and on about how he could never live somewhere as far away as I do. So why do I keep seeing him? In our conversations, he always makes sure to compliment my physical appearance or mention my age and how “young and smart” I am. It obviously makes me uncomfortable, but for the sake of his daughters, especially Emmy, I don’t really say anything. I have tried to set some boundaries, but it’s really uncomfortable. I jokingly said once, “Well, if I were your age, I don’t think I’d date someone as young as me,” and he was like, “Well, good thing I would,” and he laughed.

I casually mentioned this in a conversation with one of my colleagues, and she said something like, “Oh, he’s a flirt; that’s what he does.” She kept talking about how handsome he is (he is handsome but also a married dad of two). I asked if there’s anything we, as educators, could do if, hypothetically, a parent is being too friendly/flirty with us, and she basically said no.

Anyway, it’s gotten hot outside, so I’ve started wearing sundresses, shorts, and crop tops, and he always compliments my outfits when he sees me and says he likes seeing my bellybutton piercing out (EW). Also, Emmy has told me that her dad said I’ll be their nanny for the weekends when the daycare is closed. I don’t know if he actually said that because she’s 4, but I don’t even want to ask because I don’t want to give him ideas if he didn’t actually say it.

He has tried multiple times to give me his phone number to “call him if there’s anything,” and I always gently reminded him that we can communicate through the daycare app. He always says that he would rather call me directly than through the app. He was being super pushy, and I felt a little trapped, so I gave him my phone number. He texts me all the time, asking what I’m doing, etc. I have FaceTimed his daughters a couple of times, but it just feels wrong. I briefly talked about this to a friend, and she said that she would’ve told his wife. I don’t even think I have the guts to do that. Ever since my friend told me that, I started casually bringing up his wife in conversations. He would always change the subject or say she’s not here.

Anyway, all this is to ask: what should I do? Am I imagining things? I feel trapped. I can’t lose my job; I’m scared that it’ll take me forever to find another one. Also, all the kids love me, and I love them. I’ve really gotten attached to them. I love Emmy too, and I mostly feel bad for her. What would you do in this situation? I’ve asked, and you can’t ban a family from attending a daycare, so that option is out of the window. Also, we can’t be on our phones 24/7, so it’s extremely hard to get “evidence.” Anything helps. Thank you!

I don’t know i’m I’m posting this on the right subs, if not sorry about that

Edit: I’ve never seen his wife, he’s the one who does everything. Emmy has mentioned her a few times (saying things like “Mommy got me this shirt” or something) but I don’t even know what she looks like. He doesn’t talk about her unless I bring her up.

Edit 2: About the crop tops, we are allowed to wear them at work with long pants. Same thing with shorts, we can wear them with a non-cropped shirt. 90% of his comments about my piercing were outside of work, when I would run into him. Also, I blocked him. I don’t know if he noticed, but he’s blocked.

Edit 3: A lot of people are asking me why/what I am scared of. I don’t have an exact answer. I’ve had a lot of traumatizing experiences with men so I don’t feel comfortable around any man in general. I don’t have any guy friends. It’s like I think of all the things they could do to me if they wanted to, then I get scared/uncomfortable. I know I have a fawn trauma response and I am working on it, I really am. Also, I have work on Friday (or Wednesday maybe) and I will talk to my supervisors and update.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: “That wouldn’t be appropriate” seems like a good response to 90% of his requests. I would get used to being comfortable saying that to pushy male customers.

OOP: i say that sometimes and he’s like “oh well you’re best friends with emmy so we’re basically family” and i get scared so i just laugh it off or i try to end the conversations

OOP responds to multiple redditors on not accepting any more things from the father and speak with her supervisor about her concerns

OOP: i do say those things and he says that we’re like family because i’m “friends” with his daughter. i don’t always answer and he’ll sometimes bring it up when he drops off/picks up his kids and i say things oh i was busy or i didn’t see it. i keep telling myself that this time ill be direct and just say no but i just get so scared. it’s not like im full on flirting with him, i do reject him but not as firmly as i should i guess. whenever he brings up dating i say things like im not looking for a bf. and for the facetime thing, one time he was being really insistent and i said no and the text time i saw them at work, emmy asked me why i didn’t pick up the call and he said in front of her that i was being mean that day and that i didn’t wanna talk to her. she ended up crying. i tried telling my supervisor and she said that she never noticed any weird behaviour from him and he’s a very friendly man. she asked me if i had any proof which i didn’t. idk what else to do

~

i tried to talk to one of my supervisors about it but rn they’re always busy (they’re the new owners of the daycare so they’re trying to figure everything out) so it’s never a good time. i am alone with my group. i see him in the morning when he’s dropping off emmy and in the afternoon outside when he’s picking his kids up. our conversation in the morning are more brief bc all the parents are coming at the same time so there’s not much time. in the afternoon, he always tells emmy to keep playing with her friends just to buy more time and when i tell him i have to go back to watching everyone he says that there are plenty of other educators who are watching them and not to worry about it. i try to say things like hey i really have to go back to work/now’s not a right time but it’s like there’s nothing i can say to get through to him. im the one in charge of emmy i have to be the one to talk to him about emmy’s day etc

: May 23, 2024

Hello everyone,

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice. I tried to read every comment. Before I give you an update, I need to clarify a few things:

1. I don’t work at a school; it's a private, family-owned (i think) daycare. I have three managers—two women and one man. They became the new owners in January. I primarily interact with one of the female managers. I've tried to discuss this situation with her, but it’s never the right time. For example, I’d knock on her office door and say I needed to talk about Emmy’s dad. She’d say she’s busy and ask me to come back later. When I did, she’d apologize and ask to talk the next day. She also suggested texting, but I didn't feel comfortable telling her everything through text.

2. Some suggested having another teacher watch my group when he arrives, but that’s not possible. In the afternoon, after nap time, we take the kids outside until their parents pick them up. All educators need to stay outside to supervise. When parents arrive, I discuss their child's day and hand over their keychain. It’s difficult because he always approaches me when I’m distracted, so I can’t warn a coworker.

3. Rides: The first time I saw him outside of work was at the grocery store. He recognized me, we chatted briefly, and he offered me a ride. I declined, but he insisted, saying it was ungentlemanly to let me carry groceries alone. He paid for my groceries and drove me home, despite my discomfort. I sat in the backseat, but still. I shouldn’t have said yes. I was just so weirded out by the entire situation. The second time was at a gas station. After hanging out with a friend in his neighborhood, I stopped there for a drink. He saw me and again offered a ride. He was pushy, so I reluctantly agreed. That was the last time I accepted a ride from him.

4. Clothing: Most of his comments about my piercing happened outside of work. I don’t wear revealing clothes to work; I mostly wear sweats. Occasionally, I wear a long sleeve crop top with sweatpants, which my managers don’t mind. We’re allowed to wear mom shorts. But again, I most of the time I wear sweats.

5. Facetime: I’ve Facetimed his daughters three times, and each call lasted less than five minutes. I realize now that this was inappropriate, but yes it happened.

6. Texting: I don’t always respond to his texts. If he texts ten times, I might reply three times. The thing is, he often asks in person why I don’t respond, telling me he had something important to say. He’d sometimes say that in front of Emmy, then say, “You see that Emmy, she’s not nice to Daddy. She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

7. I live in Canada. Some suggested carrying pepper spray for protection, but it’s illegal here, so that’s not an option.

8. I don’t know his exact age, but I’d guess late 30s to mid-40s. I’ve never seen his wife; some suggested they might be separated. Maybe. Emmy has mentioned her mom before, but she seems closer to her dad.

9. The dating comment: I had ZERO idea my comment could be seen as flirting. I thought I was indirectly turning him down. When the topic of dating came up, I said I didn’t want a relationship. He joked that we’d get along great, and I responded by saying “Don’t you think you’re a little too old for me?” And he said, jokingly, “Oh, man. Dont say that. You’re very mature.” That’s when I said that I wouldn’t date someone my age if I were his age.

Update: I was only scheduled on Friday this week but ended up working today too. I texted my manager saying that I have something very important to tell her about a parent and that I'm afraid my safety could be compromised. She asked me to come to her office before work to talk about it.

I was very scared because reading the comments made me realize that I could lose my job because I gave him my number. But I still told her everything (looking back, I missed a few things, but I told her the most important things). I told her about how, in the beginning (when I was assigned to his 2-year-old daughter's group), he was very friendly and nice to me, but it escalated when I started caring for Emmy. I told her about the grocery incident, the gas station incident, and seeing him near my neighborhood.

She kind of "defended" him by saying that I live near downtown, so it’s not a miracle to run into someone there. I then brought up the fact that, yes, I understand that, but he’s told me that he enjoys staying in his neighborhood and that I live so far away, and he doesn’t understand how I'm able to work at a job so far away, so it was weird to see him so much. I think it made her understand more. I told her about the comments about my appearance. I asked her if it was possible to get assigned to another group, and she said yes.

I told her about me giving him my number after feeling pressured, and she said that I shouldn’t have done that, that it’s very dangerous to give out personal information like that. She also said that, especially with my job, all communication must be through the app. She said that she was a little more upset at the dad because he’s been attending that daycare for almost four years, and he knows that parents are not allowed to do that.

I then told her about how he makes Emmy play with her friends when it’s time to go just to talk to me longer. She said that since I won’t be assigned to Emmy’s group, I won’t even have to talk to him at all. She said that she’ll take care of it and let the other girls know to keep an eye on him.

I told her about the Facetimes and how he told Emmy that I was mean for not answering one time and how he made her cry. She only said that that was out of line. I asked if it was possible to “ban” him from attending, and she said maybe. She doesn’t have any solid proof (I showed her some text messages, but she said that he was being friendly in the messages and that there was nothing sexual). She said that most of this was basically hearsay, and she doesn’t have concrete proof of him being an actual predator.

As for Emmy, we played together on the playground as usual. I think the hardest part for me is to slowly distance myself from her. I did, however, encourage her to play with her friends, but she would always come back every five minutes to ask to play with me. When her dad arrived, he greeted me and asked me about Emmy’s day and her keychain. I said that I did not take care of her today and pointed to the girl that did. I then got up to get Emmy to tell her to leave. He tried to stop me, but I just kept walking. I didn’t really give him time to talk to me. When I got Emmy, I gave her a hug, then stayed on the other side of the playground, and they left. I know it’s not much, but at least I avoided an interaction with him today.

I think that’s it. I tried to answer everything.

Edit: He’s never driven me home, I would always ask to drop me off downtown. Typo sorry!

Comments

Commenter: If he texts you, tell him that you got a memo from work that says all interaction with parents must go through the app with no exceptions for legal and safety reasons and that you can't risk your job. Then block him.

Or just block him.

: May 24, 2024

Hi, I saw some comments asking for an update, so I wanted to share what happened because I am too ashamed to tell someone in real life. I had work from yesterday 8 AM to 5 PM, then went straight to the gym to work out with a friend. I got there around 6 PM and worked out until about 8:30 PM. I was walking home (I live about 10 minutes away from my gym) when I heard someone behind me. Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have walked home, but I didn’t think about it in the moment. I had music in my ears, so I didn’t know if someone was talking to me or on the phone, so I just kept walking. I felt the person getting closer and immediately thought, “Oh my God, what if it’s him?” I started walking a little faster.

After about 2 minutes, the person tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around, it was him. My heart dropped. I immediately froze. I had practiced what to say if I ever got into this situation, but of course I had to forget everything. He acted like we ran into each other and said, “Hey, it’s nice seeing you.” I said, “Hi, nice seeing you, but I have to go.” He complimented my hair (I recently dyed it) and said it looked good on me. I said a quick thank you and tried to leave. He then grabbed my wrist and said, “I don’t like when you act like that.” I just froze up; I couldn’t move. He asked why I don’t take care of Emmy anymore. He said that she constantly asks about me at home and that I make her cry. I stuttered and said I didn’t know, that I’m not the one who decides. I said I have to go now, sorry. He then asked if I blocked him. I said I really can’t talk right now.

He then blurted out that he saw me working out. He was doing all of this while grabbing my wrist, mind you. I didn’t know what to say, so I repeated that I had to go. He started looking at me up and down in a disgusting way. He was staring at my boobs while smiling. He then started caressing my arms. One arm stopped at my waist, and the other one kept caressing my arm. He would sometimes move it to my chest and touch me there. I don’t know why I didn’t just punch him in the face. I just could. not. move. Before you ask, I wasn’t wearing anything revealing. I had on a hoodie and sweatpants. I even removed my belly piercing because I don’t like this type of attention.

I eventually quietly said, “Can you please stop?” He looked at me, smiled, and then left. I’ve been getting sexually assaulted by men since the age of 7. I promised myself after getting sexually assaulted at 18 by a friend that I would never let it happen again. Now this. I don’t know why this keeps happening. Most of the time, I feel like my body isn’t even mine, just for someone else to use whenever they feel like it, no matter if I want it or not. Maybe it was my fault because I shouldn’t have walked home knowing I had a “stalker”. Maybe it’s my fault because I didn’t tell him to leave me alone earlier. Maybe it’s my fault because I am 20 years old and I can’t fucking say no. I know he didn’t full-on grab my tits and squeeze them, but I feel so so violated. I am too ashamed to reveal this to anyone. I told my boss I was sick to avoid going to work for a couple of days.

I went to the police station, but they said there wasn’t anything they could do legally because he didn’t commit actual crimes and that I didn’t really have any proof. I just feel like they didn’t take me seriously. They gave me tips to be more careful like don’t walk late at night, change your number, don’t have the same routine, etc., but that’s it. They won’t give me a restraining order. I’ll be honest, I didn’t understand half of the terminology they were using. But from what I understood, we’re both adults so the texting and Facetimes aren’t incriminating enough. I guess I’ll just stay home. I feel so dirty. I thought I had everything under control because I found a way to avoid him at work, but I guess I was wrong. I genuinely thought that I found a way to make everything stop.

The worst part is I saw some comments saying that this whole situation could escalate if he finds out that I’m avoiding him and I didn’t believe them. Again, I was wrong. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or sympathy, but I don’t have anyone in my life who could help. Maybe some friends, but I am just so ashamed and embarrassed to say that a man was “groping” me and I basically let it happen because I was scared. It’s just humiliating. As for my family, knowing my mom, she would most likely slut-shame me and say it’s my fault. But yeah, here’s the update I guess. I don’t know if I’ll update after this, mainly because I don’t know what else to do.

Edit: (copying and pasting this from one of my replies because I can see how it looks): i posted about him 4 days ago but i started having doubts about him stalking be like a month ago i think. i talked to my manager wednesday and i got assigned to another group. i didn’t interact with him wednesday and yesterday. HE is the one saying that his daughter is crying about not seeing me. i know it’s not true, he keeps saying stuff like this. saying things about his daughter to make me feel bad because he knows we’re close. when this incident happened, i went straight to the police station near my home to tell them what happened (bc it’s opened day and night). i asked if with what i have i can have a restraining order and they said no. i know im updating quick but i genuinely don’t have anyone i can talk to about this

Edit 2: Okay I think I’ll just quit my job stay with a friend for now. I’ll send an email explaining my situation with my boss and try to find a stay at home job. Thank you all

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, but it is an anime subreddit after all.

This subreddit was banned due to being unmoderated.

The OP posted their living space and mentioned identifying as a non-binary woman. They explained further in the comments that they mentioned their gender because they saw another post from a non-binary person on the sub and wanted to show solidarity.

Some commenters seemed to have less than genuine questions:

Careful with your questions, they don't like that

I just hope these people get help. I know one at work. She is one of those overweight, blue hair, self-diagnosed with a few mental illnesses (you gotta have one if you want to fit in the community), a lot of face piercings, horrible tattoos. I feel bad for them because they gave up to their insecurities. I mean this girl at work could've been absolutely a beautiful normal and healthy girl. One of my extremely attractive friends used to tell me beauty is discipline and I kinda agree with her. These people probably lacked guidance and parenting.

What does this person's hair color, weight, and tattoos have to do with anything though? I lacked parenting, have tattoos and facial piercings, and it has nothing to do with my gender or sexuality.

It has to do with mental and physical health. How can you be so blind? Don't you see how depressed these people are? Compare them to a young beautiful, healthy and fit girl? They are just at the bottom of society in terms of desirability and they are so desperate for attention they do all these things just to feel special or to get noticed it is just sad. Because there is a healthy way to be recognised, by achieving things, taking care of your body etc..Anyhow evolution won't pick people who cannot take care of themselves and it is just sad for them.

So tattoos and piercings equate to be mentally and physically unwell?

No, but I am talking about the subspecies that I described earlier. Some tattoos and piercings can be healthy self expression.

The classic “I identify as [insert something that sounds weird]”play with bonus Christian drama:

Is it mean to refuse to participate in someone’s narcissistic delusion? I’m a pseudo-woman-Demi-goddess-young-boy-hybrid

Christ, didn’t realise people in this sub were so right wing. Next you’ll be telling me you identify as an attack helicopter yeah?

If right wing means “rooted in reality” then I guess? Yes, identifying as an attack helicopter is as absurd as identifying as a “non-binary woman.”You do realize that women can look and dress and feel however they want on a daily basis and it doesn’t make them… not women? This is such a ridiculous argument. “Sometimes I don’t feel like anything but sometimes I feel like a woman.” Ok, cool. “So I will now refer to myself as a non-binary woman, and you have to do the same. I will make sure you know how I identify, even when it’s irrelevant, just to feel a little more special and unique.” Lol, nope!

Just seen your post history, your overreaction makes sense now. We fundamentally disagree on a lot of things. But surely the good Christian thing to do here would be to not be rude to a harmless stranger on the internet sharing pictures of their living room on a (usually) welcoming and supportive sub.

I’m welcoming and supportive, but I’m not going to pretend as if announcing your non-binary womanhood in a post about your living room makes any sense at all. Hi! I’m a right-wing Christian Liberal Progressive, and here’s my reading nook! Do you realize how silly this is?

”I’m welcoming and supportive” You’re homophobic is what you are, as per your post 4 hours ago. “I’m not going to pretend as if announcing your non-binary womanhood in a post about your living room makes any sense at all. Hi! I’m a right-wing Christian Liberal Progressive, and here’s my reading nook! Do you realize how silly this is?” This sub is inherently silly if you want to look at things that way, you’re showing strangers on the internet your living room. But people do it because they like to share it. Sharing that you’re nonbinary is the same.

Making claims without anything to back it up. My religion makes me homophobic? Did you notice that I made exactly zero statements about my personal opinions? Did you notice that my post was asking how to be loving and supportive of someone without glorifying or celebrating sin? Or did you see that I believe homosexuality is sinful and assume things about my character that you couldn’t possibly know? I don’t mean silly as in unnecessary or frivolous, I mean silly as in goofy and nonsensical. Which a photo of a living room is not. A more accurate comparison would be if I posted a photo of my living room and said “hey look at my rocket ship!”

“I believe homosexuality is sinful” lol yeah I’m out.

Right. So who is more intolerant here? The person who is refusing to engage with someone for their religious beliefs? Or the person who disputes the validity of “non-binary womanhood”? For people who are so certain they’re on the right side of this issue, there seems to be a massive lack of knowledge. If being a non binary woman is a legitimate thing to claim, please explain it to me. What does it mean to feel like a gender?

Some users wonder what gender has to do with someone’s living space on :

People often post their gender and age, 29f or 32m type thing, so nothing wrong with saying they’re non-binary. It’s not even an issue.

Right. It’s a room. Spaces don’t have ages, genders or sexualities.

Agreed. So why is there ‘male’ and ‘female’ living space sub?

If OP’s gender has nothing to do with a sub about living spaces, then why are there gendered living space subs in the first place?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

- 276th May 2024

- 28th May 2024

- 31st May 2024

Would I would be the jerk if I chose a opportunity over my church?

I (20F) have played cello since I was in 6th grade. I am generally good at it to say the least but average since I'm better at acedamics and art than playing my cello. My parents are very religious and we live in a a town a little bit away from a city.

Cause of some stupid reasons, I am the only cello still willing to work ar our church. I get played but I only get payed $12 for a 3 sometimes 4 hour performance. While I was practicing some art my friend (21M) called me, and said that a new place in our town was opening up and they needed a second teacher for the cello classes. I immediately went over and have been working there for a little over a month. While there the small school's principal managed to get my class a place in a orchestra concert in the city. It wasn't in the center just at the edge but my students were really excited. When we arrived. I played with my students a little bit for practice. The concert had went really well and I really enjoyed it.

Due to this. A man around 40 had walked up to me after the concert. He said he had heard me playing with my students and asked if I could play in a huge orchestra in around the center of the city. I was really interested since this could get good opportunities in both art and cello.

There is a bit of problem though. My parents had asked me before if I could play at my church on the same day of the concert ant at a uncomfortable amount of time gap. I didn't agree to it and said I would think about it. But now I really am concerned. I care about my parents and I enjoy my church. But I will get good opportunities at the big concert and they are willing to pay me $20 and hour if I play and help set up.

The problem with the church concert is that it will be 3 hours long and they actually are only going to pay me $15 for setting up AND playing the 3 hours which I am not very comfortable with.

So? Would I be the jerk if I chose an opportunity over my church?

TLDR; I got a good opportunity to play in a concert in around the center of the city. But on the same day is my church's concert. The concert is willing to pay $20 an hour for my troubles. While my church is going to only pay me $15 for setting up AND playing the 3 hours.

Comments

maroongrad

Church is taking advantage of you and I'm sure you're not rolling in money. The church will survive without a cello player.

madogvelkor

Yeah. And a lot of people play/sing for free or cheap at their church for personal reasons. My grandfather wasn't even really Catholic but he sang in the choir and my grandmother (who was devout Catholic) played the organ. He hated church but loved singing church music.

That said, it's about personal choice. If you need the money and aren't just playing for your own love of the music then go for the orchestra.

OOP: I just have to say wow. I know its only been a couple hours. But I just have to thank you all for the advice. I have constantly been looking through your comments and I may reply to some. Not all. But definitely Atleast 10. So thank you for your support.

Edit: I'm going to tell them. I don't know how they will react but I am. The concert is on Sunday so this will be kinda in advance. I really do feel bad about it though

Update - 1 day later

A couple hours earlier I told my parents. To say my mom was angry was on understatement. She yelled and screamed at me that she had already told the church that I was going to play at the church. And they needed me there. I reminded her about what I said before when she asked. When my mom figured out I wasn't going to change my mind, she threatened to take my devices. Like seriously? I may for them. I reminded her that. But she didn't care. She continued screaming until she reached my room and started grabbing my phone. Art tablet. Laptop. PS5. EVERYTHING.

While doing so my dad joined in on my mom's side and told me I was making them look bad to the church. Before she even walked out the room. I started calling my dad's parents. Telling them what going on. While my mom was still screaming and yelling while taking my stuff into her room telling me I'm not getting them back until our next concert. Which was literally a week away. My paternal grandfather entered our house with his spare key and started screaming and my mom to put my stuff back in my room before he takes HER phone.

My mother, being the always scared of my grandfather person that she is. She put all my stuff in my room, but before she could. He told her to put my stuff in his truck. Which she had to do all by herself. My dad was forced to apologize to me and then my mother. It was obviously 1/2-hearted but I was just pleased they were forced to apologize.

I am currently at my grandparents place, and the reason this happened so late is cause I went on a shopping spree with my grandmother and her friends. They are the sweetest ladies ever. And I had alot of fun. I even able to buy another music piece its a little simple for my liking but I like the beat.

Just a quick update. We just got back and my grandparents are downstairs drinking and stuff, talking about their youthful days. My grandfather said feel free to take his truck to a friends place. So I'm about to do that after the post. Thanks for the support from the last post everyone 💓 thank you

Comments

LeekNeat9525

Good on you OP for not backing down for this amazing opportunity, and I hope the orchestra works out for you!

lululululululululi

Ditto and true delight to hear that your grandparents are awesome

Update - 2 days later

My parents are insane. Alot has happened so bare with me.

The day after my post I got a call for the man I the opportunity with, he sounded pissed. He asked if I was a minor. But first I asked how he got my number. He told me he got a call from my parents saying that I am a minor and as their guardian they will not allow me to play in the orchestra. As a side note. I am 20F, but due to genetics I look like around 16-17.

I told him I am not a minor but he seemed to believe my parents over me and he sent me a screenshot of my birth certificate... Those crazy people gave them a fake certificate that made it look like I was 16. He said due to no minors being allowed in the orchestra, my seat will be removed only if I can verify if I am not a minor.

I tried to convince him with my ID but he said that my parents told him I would show them a fake ID and I will be getting removed from the orchestra and he hung up.

Me. In tears, told my grandparents and they were not happy. Especially my grandmother. Another side note, my grandmother's mother was a cello player, but due to a accident she died when she was 29. So to find out I couldn't play my instrument anymore in this orchestra she was beyond to the point SHE ACTUALLY DRIVED. My grandmother rarely drives.

After the drive my grandmother had a screaming match with both my parents while my grandfather went to the place of the orchestra to get me verified for my seat again. I was a mess the whole way. We managed after 3 hours to get me verified but by then when we got back my grandmother was chewing out my dad and mom while they sat quietly.

The next day was the most satisfying thing I've ever felt

I found out my parents will be taking me out their will. The will that my GRANDPARENTS practically control since my grandparents pay half their bills. A couple minutes after. My grandparents called them and them that if they take me out their will, they will remove my dad out their will and give all the assets to me including the will they will already planning to give me, which was already a lump some of money and some rent houses they own.

My parents are trying to hold their ground, but a couple hours later they said they will also not be paying the bills they have been paying.

Then finally after those two threats. They are still trying to hold their ground. My grandparents have two other children, both daughters and older than my father, so I'm not surprised if they instead give them the assets instead of me.

My father called my two hours ago and called me a failure to my family and their church. Personally I thought that would hurt. But I didn't feel much. More like?... Relief! I felt so RELIEVED! I never felt this way before and I might actually ask them to disown me. I'm sick and tired of their trash and how many things I have done for that church and STILL be underpaid!

Hopefully this will be my last update but ask questions in the comments and I may answer. I just want to get this behind me.

Comments

LibraryMouse4321

Anyone who chooses the church over their children is a huge AH and doesn’t deserve children. Your parents are awful and if they were mine, I wouldn’t want anything to do with them.

ProfessionSanity

Yep, the whole "Thy shalt not bear false witness" flew right over their heads.

Scruffersdad

I love your grandparents! And go you! I’m glad you’ll get to play in the orchestra anyway.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

The game of today is fallout new vegas, a post apocalyptic game where you play as a courier tracking down the people that tried to kill them while doing your job. Throughout the game you come across a lot of characters with branching dialogue paths.

One in particular makes the player character ask "what the hell a fish is". One player is confused on why the player character would not know what fish is and decided to ask the subreddit of the game. Somehow this leads to one long argument that also end up questioning the overall education systems and history of human survival in over 200 comments.

full thread + post:

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 14th May 2024

- 25th May 2024

AITAH for not getting my ex wife anything for Mother’s Day?

My ex wife (34F) and I (35M) finalized our divorce proceedings last year. It was fairly amicable, we had fallen out of love, and that’s all there was to it. We also have a daughter who’s 14.

I have now been dating my current girlfriend for a few months, and we celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday. My daughter asked me if I could get something for her mother, like flowers, and I told her no.

My ex wife and I are still amicable, but I don’t see any reason for getting gifts for my ex wife. I know my ex wife is not dating right now. Since my ex wife gave birth to our daughter, I used to go all out every year for Mother's day, and treated Mother's day as a very special day. But we're not in a relationship anymore, and I explained that to my daughter.

Was I the AH?

Comments

elysabyth

YTA because your CHILD asked for help and you said no. You could have taken her and given her a few dollars to go get flowers (it wasn't coming from you.)

mouse_1963

Agree. This wasn’t about your ex-wife, it was about your daughter and her mum. YTA

cupholdery

OP telling on himself while trying to get internet points.

Because my girlfriend lives with me now, and she has been amazing to my daughter and has taken over all the motherly duties.

ThrowawayFishFingers

“I have to be nice to my new bangmaid or she’ll leave me, too!”

Silver-Raspberry-723

I have a daughter in her mid 30’s with 3 children 9,7 and 4. She is currently going a really acrimonious divorce. Like hugely horrible.

Weekend before Mother’s Day, was his weekend. He went out and bought 2 vases and paints and helped the kids decorate them and filled them with her favorite roses for the kids to give their mom.

No, he does not want her back. He just loves his kids.

YATAH Do better.

**Judgement - YTA**

Update - 11 days later

So a quick update, my girlfriend and I got engaged yesterday! I am really happy, but I also realized I was an AH and should have allowed my daughter to get her mom a Mother's Day gift. So I gave my daughter $200 today and told her to buy her mom a nice Mother's day gift, and my daughter was really happy about it.

Comments

ZeroZipZilchNadaNone

Good for you on funding your daughter’s gift for her mother.

Quite frankly though, even though you felt it important enough to brag about first, we ready don’t care about your engagement. You only finalized the divorce last year. Are you really jumping into another engagement/marriage this quick or is your new fiancée the true reason for your divorce? What does your daughter think about it? Is she happy about it or are you blindly shoving it down her throat?

Best wishes to your daughter.

Prestigious_Dee

Wow! $200? That’s a lot!

Upset_Sink_2649

That's with guilt tax included.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I thought it was worthwhile to repost and celebrate one of the biggest headbangers I have ever seen on reddit. Just a marvellous demonstration of avoiding blame and responsibility.