My husband and I are expecting a baby, we don't know the sex, but I could give birth at any time now. We have a boy and a girl name chosen. The choices generally are compromises. We didn't agree on names really and had different beliefs around names, I guess. He believes in formal names and kids having really solid middle names as well. I believe in naming the child what you want to call them, something I got from my parents who named me and my siblings that way and my siblings went onto do the same. For example, I'm Lainey. Just Lainey. I don't have a more formal version of my name. I never felt like I needed a more formal name. My name works for me as a 34 year old woman just as much as it did when I was 4.

This led to some trouble for us because I gravitate more to names my husband considers nicknames. I found his choices very stuffy and unappealing and he found my juvenile.

But he liked Theodora and I liked Thea and we agreed eventually to the full name for him but I'd always use Thea. For a boy we went with Declan for him and Dex for me. Again with him using Declan and me Dex.

But my husband doesn't like that I only say Thea or Dex. It bothers him that the full name gets ignored and he said he believes my family and a lot of our friends will use the names I do. I told him the compromise only worked on the grounds that was okay, that he could use the full and I could use the nickname. He said the full name seems like it will be ignored otherwise and I should use both to make it more fair and I told him that's just him getting his way.

I told him if he wants a better compromise then he better come back to the table willing to look at different names. Before names like Brynn, Lyra, Piper and Freya were ruled out by him for not meeting his standards of formal. because they're shorter names. He said they were nickname light. But shorter more formal names feels like the only other possible compromise for us and he doesn't agree. So I told him he needs to accept what we already compromised on or we find a better compromise which doesn't mean him getting his way. He told me I'm very dismissive of his concerns and I told him I was already going with a legal name I didn't care for under our compromise so he should be more willing to work with me if he wants to change the names.

AITA?

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

Thank you to for this suggestion to the BoRU

Editor’s Note: the texts were saved before the final two posts were removed

[New Update]: Male boss is clueless about pregnancy

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH -----

Trigger Warnings: harassment, misogyny, sexism, hostile workplace

- May 2, 2024

OMG this just now happened at work.

My boss is male. I have a male coworker in the next cube whose wife is pregnant, and is due within the next few weeks. Boss is trying to make coverage plans for this guy to be out of the office when the baby happens.

The boss literally tried to write the guy up because he "wouldn't" tell him exactly what day the delivery would happen.

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't hear it with my own ears!

Top Comments

bulldog_blues: I... what... how?!

Has this guy literally never interacted with someone who's pregnant or the partner of someone who's pregnant before? In his entire life?

It doesn't bode well for how he'd treat any other unpredictable circumstance either.

- May 2, 2024 (same day, 2 hours later)

Holy shit. The idiot dude just did it again.

He finally got it into his head why my coworker can't name the specific date when his wife will go into labor.

Now he's trying to save face by being sympathetic with Mr. Father-to-Be.

Our office breakroom has a private "mother's room" where women can go pump if they need to.

Mr. Boss dude said to the father dude, literally, that he was sorry there wasn't an equivalent father's room. The dude legit thought that the mother's room was for an exhausted new mom to go nap. That one just earned him a march into his (female) boss' office. I'd love to be a fly on that wall.

Top Comments

ioantha: I realize that not all sex education is created equal, but damn.

Does Boss have kids? A female spouse? Does someone need to buy her a drink and see if she's okay?

OOP: He had an ex-girlfriend. Probably a reason for the "ex".

- May 3, 2024 (1 day later)

So, several of you asked for further updates about my idiot boss who, in the space of one hour yesterday revealed that he:

thought that pregnant women could predict the exact date their delivery would happen...

revealed his belief that our office's Mother's Room was for napping, not pumping

After #2 was revealed, he was immediately called into the (female) grandboss' office so she could set the record straight. Their meeting took about ten minutes, and then he came back into our work area.

Guys. It got so much worse from there. I had to delay posting this update until I found out what the final result would be.

He starts by admitting to everybody there (mostly male, I and one other person in the room were female) that he had misunderstood the purpose of the mother's room. OK, so far so good.

Then he took out his metaphorical shovel and started digging his hole even deeper. Turns out he also misunderstood the concept of lactation. The dude literally thought that all women are always lactating, all the time. As in: the breasts come in, the milk comes out, regardless of any woman's pregnancy or birthing status.

And then. Oh. My. God. The dude literally POINTS TO MY CHEST and says, "I mean, look at hers! Hers are really big, she should be in that room all the time but she's not!"

One of the men in the room immediately gives him a forceful "shut up!" I follow up with a spontaneous performance of four-letter beat poetry that would melt my phone if I tried to type it out.

One of my coworkers immediately went out to fetch the grandboss again. She got back into the room and escorted him out. We didn't see him the rest of the day.

I got to the office this morning and saw his personal items boxed up on his desk. Grandboss has already informed me that my now-ex boss will be coming to collect his items later today, and she gave me the opportunity to be elsewhere when he arrives.

Nope. I'm going to be here to watch him get fired. This will be glorious.

Relevant/Top Comments

OOP on her company’s policies on if an incident happens at the workplace

OOP: Thanks for the very necessary response.

I should add that my company has a "three strikes" policy when it comes to sexual harassment (only one strike if there's physical contact, which there wasn't in this case). I learned from grandboss that this was his third strike.

I don't know the details of the first two incidents, but he'd displayed a pattern of this behavior before.

Redgrapefruitrage: Just wow!

I spit out my coffee when I read that he thought women lactated 24/7.

Then....to point at your chest!

He didn't just dig a hole. He jumped into the hole and buried himself alive.

queen-of-support: OMFG! He is so clueless. How does he walk and breathe at the same time?

- May 3, 2024 (same day, 4 hours later)

He came through just now to collect his box of stuff. He was escorted into our office by grandboss and our building's security guard. I was looking straight at him all the way through, trying to gauge his state of mind.

He looked appropriately humiliated. At one point he locked eyes with me, noticed my shit-eating grin, and looked like he was about to say something.

Mr. Male Coworker in the next cube (the one with the pregnant wife, whose interaction yesterday started this whole thing) had a video queued up on his desktop. At that exact moment he hit "play".

It's an eight-second clip of my hero George Takei, who said to this guy.

He slumped, defeated, and slithered out of the building with his escort. Once he left the room, all of us just burst out laughing.

It's going to be a great weekend.

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 24, 2024

A few weeks ago I started that thread that took off -- about my (now-ex) boss who used his ignorance of female anatomy to commit sexual harassment, and got fired for it.

The whole adventure started because he tried to write my male coworker up, because the coworker "wouldn't" tell him exactly what day his wife would go into labor.

Today's update: the labor and delivery was successful. My coworker now has a beautiful baby girl.

And I hope she grows up never having a negative story to bring to this sub.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My (F53) soon to be ex husband Roger (47), whom I forgave for his affair, came home with a baby four months ago. His girlfriend (22) could not handle it anymore and brought the baby to him at work and left. To the best of his knowledge she is in Spain.

I allowed him to stay so long as I didn't have to do anything. Anything.

Well about a month ago Roger had a heart attack. It didn't kill him, mores the pity, but he is very weak and incapable of doing anything for himself. Since he isn't up and about he cannot care for his child. He also cannot drop of and pick up his son at daycare.

I have been helping but I'm done. My kids are full grown. I shouldn't be having grandkids any time soon. I do not have any desire to care for a baby.

I told Roger that I want a divorce, and I contacted the mother's parents. I know the father through friends. I said they had until Friday to come get their grandchild or I was calling Child Protective Services.

They just left with the baby. But they scolded me for being so cold towards a baby that had done me no harm. I view that child differently.

Roger is recovering and I will be moving out. The house is in his name but I have never contributed to it. I have the equivalent of twenty two years of rent and interest put away. And as per our prenup my savings are my own.

I work and I don't need anything out of this marriage except myself.

My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer.

I do not feel that I am acting badly however Roger, our children, his child's family, and a few mutual friends think I am. Perhaps writing this out and seeing the responses will give me clarity.

I was married to my prom queen type high school sweetheart for 10 years. She had become distant, as hard as I tried to be loving and a good husband. I adored her and placed her on a pedestal.

There were lots of little signs that indicated something wasn’t right. I just had a gut feeling but never suspected her of cheating. One time I walked into the study and she quickly changed the screen on the computer and smiled at me before distracting me with some inane banter.

The next day I installed spyware software on the computer that took a screenshot every 10 seconds and captured all keystrokes. After a few days I checked it and discovered that she had a secret Hotmail account and the spyware had captured the password.

I went into her account and much to my horror, discovered 6 months worth of emails between her and my best friend. I read them all. Hundreds of emails documenting their affair. Weekends away together when she told me she was at a conference or training course. Mid week hookups while I was feeding and bathing our two young children before bed. Fucking each other’s brains out in my bed while I was at work. I was stunned. My world came crashing down around me. I honestly went into shock.

For a few days I struggled through it but didn’t say anything. She went away on a “course” the next weekend. I knew what she was really doing as I was checking the emails between them.

Here’s the revenge:

I printed off every single email between them for the 6 months. Over the weekend while they were away, I went around to his house and sat down with his wife, who was also a close friend and lovely person. I handed her the ream of paper I had printed and sat there for two hours watching her read all the emails. She was sobbing and crying as she read.

As a now humorous side note, she looked up at me and said, do you want to fuck? Ha ha. I said no but gave her a hug. I didn’t want to stoop to their level and give them justification for their behavior.

When my wife returned from her dirty weekend away, she walked in and I walked past her with a bag in each arm. She asked where I was going and I said I’m leaving, I left you something on the table. It was the print out of the emails.

I walked out the door and never went back. She begged and pleaded for a year but I no longer trusted or respected her.

His marriage was done within the year.

I’m still happily single, while she is miserable in another marriage. 😁👍

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I'm 35 and the mother to a 19 year old girl. We live in a state where abortion is legal. I had my daughter very young and I don't regret it, but I would never encourage it due to how hard it was. I had little to no support and I would never wish the pain I went through on anyone. My daughter's father passed when I was pregnant and she has no step father. It has always just been the two of us. I was kicked out of my home the second my family found out that I was pregnant, no questions asked, and we haven't been in contact since then. I've since moved halfway across the country, and I will not ever be reconciling.

My daughter has been dating her boyfriend for roughly 4 years now. Her boyfriend is the same age as her and not a bad kid, but he is still a child in my eyes. They both are. Her boyfriend still lives with his parents and refuses to go to college. My daughter wanted to be a nurse but is now deciding that she won't pursue a career because she wants to be a SAHM forever. She would've been going to school this fall, but decided to unenroll before it began.

When my daughter came to me two weeks ago telling me that she's 2 months pregnant I sat her down. I did not want her to go through the same things I went through. I asked her how this happened and she said that it was planned. She and her boyfriend mutually decided that they wanted to be parents and this horrified me because she knows all about the struggle we went through together and that I went through alone. I regretfully called her stupid and was upset, but told her that we can work through this together. Since she decided that she was keeping this baby, I gave her stricter rules, told her how it works, told her what's going to change, and that she will be getting an education under my roof. These terms are nonnegotiable.

My daughter did not like these terms. She fully expected me to allow her boyfriend to move in (who is unemployed, by the way), give her her college fund as money to spend on the baby, the two of them as a couple, and whatever else she wants, not pursue an education, and still go out whenever she wanted. I told her that I will watch her baby when she's at school and for a few hours a day when she does homework. I also said that I will watch her baby on Saturdays and Saturdays alone so that she can still have fun and be somewhat of a teenager. I wish that I was given one day out of the week to recharge, take a break from being a mom, and enjoy my childhood. I know that this is very lenient, but I love my daughter.

We ended up arguing almost every day since and my daughter's demands have gotten out of hand. She claims that they're very unfair and I told her to look up what teen pregnancy is like and what motherhood is all about because the conditions and rules that I gave her are very, very lax. I told her that if she will not abide by these rules, then she'll have to live with her boyfriend's family. She cried and yelled at me, but I put my foot down. She ended up moving out three days ago. We've never had a fight like this. We've argued about petty things such as sleepovers and parties, but it was always resolved within a few hours and was never serious like this. I've texted her multiple times that if she changes her mind on the pregnancy or the rules then she's more than welcome back home and that I will always love her no matter what she chooses. I also told her that she'll always be my baby girl and that I didn't want her to go, but we have no space for a full family and being a mother means that your entire life will change.

My heart aches. I love my daughter and feel like I failed her as a mother despite being so involved. She knows all about safe sex, was never bullied, we were basically best friends (though I am still her mother and she has always known that. It isn't just fun. I do discipline her when I have to and we get along amazingly), and we do everything together. I never thought this would happen. She had no better reason to get pregnant than "I wanted to be a mom and I'm ready" but she isn't thinking about what a mother actually does. I know I made single motherhood look "easy" but it never was. I worked two-three jobs for the majority of my life and didn't eat some days so that my daughter never went hungry and always had nice clothes. I only finally got a "real" job as a nurse 2 years ago after being in and out of school for over a decade.

AITA for kicking her out? I thought that this was the best thing to do to teach her that things will be changing. I want her to come home, I really do, but if she won't accept these new rules and understand that motherhood is not easy, I can't just let her back in willingly. I feel like such an asshole.

I (25f) am super confused in this sister(18f)Is pregnant.She got pregnant by a unprotected one night stand so she dosent know who the dad is.I am getting married in october and the baby is due in my sister and parents have been hinting at me to keep the baby but I have shut that idea down beacase me and fiance want to wait till we are stable to have kids and I have explained this to them.this weekend they hit a whole new extreme.

My sister lives with my parents.Last saturday my mom invited family over for we were all eating when all of a sudden my sister loudly in front on all the guest ask me what time will I be good for me to meet her at the court house so she can sign over paternal rights.I told her I dont have any intention of adopting her mom ripped a new one in me a threatened to boycott my wedding.Obviosly I left.

So i agreed to meet with my mom and sis cause they claimed to want to we met at a cafe .My sister ask to see the nursary.I ask her what she is talking about.She tells me That since I will be adopting the kid as a baby I need to have a nursary.

I calmly reminded her I didnt want to adopt her baby.She then breaks down crying claiming that she,ll have to drop out of college if I dont keep her baby and all about how i never do anything for her even thoe I continuaslly gave her money threw out her first year of college. I imeadetly left as my sister was getting loud and my mom was screaming in my face calling me half the family is threatning to boycott my wedding for not helping my sister

My mom died when I was in kindergarten and my dad didn't remarry until I (26m) was 22. He didn't date at all while my siblings and I were kids. His wife is fine. She's not my favorite person and I find her a little off when it comes to her relationship with me and my siblings. They feel the same. She gives the vibe that she expected to be accepted as our motherly figure instead of as our dad's partner/wife. We're close to dad. He has never given us the same vibe. He'll still hang out with us individually without his wife or each other around. But she definitely gives that vibe. It's weird to me because we were all adults and I'm the baby of the family so my siblings were even older when she married our dad. And to think she would fill any kind of mom role, in my mind, is weird.

My dad loves her though and he's happy and she's nice enough other than this so we don't rock the boat.

However this is now a situation where I did start to rock the boat and I wonder if I'm TA for that. So my fiancée Ellie and I are getting married and we decided we both wanted to walk down the aisle. She wanted to walk with her parents so I thought it'd be kinda cool to ask my dad. He said yes. He got really emotional about it. He said he wished my mom could be here to walk with us and yeah, I do too, so much.

My dad's wife later approached me and told me she would gladly walk me down the aisle instead and she wanted me to know that I hadn't needed to ask my dad instead. I asked her what she meant and she assumed I wanted her but was afraid to ask. I told her that wasn't what I wanted at all. She told me that was unexpected and when she heard I had asked dad she expected I would want her instead. So I asked her why she expected to walk me down the aisle when she is not my mom. She looked so offended when I asked her and she told me I didn't need to be so tactless about it. I told her I was genuinely asking and told her I couldn't understand. She then said she clearly misunderstood the relationship she has with me and my siblings and I can keep my thoughtless questions to myself.

My dad was so confused by her reaction too. I told him what happened and he had no idea. She is really pissed off though.

So AITA?

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I (26f) just found out I’m pregnant after having revenge sex with the fiancé (35m) of the girl (30f) who my ex boyfriend(32m) cheated on me with for 2 years.

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's Note: changed initial "D" to Dave for easier reading

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, harassment

Feb 19, 2023

I (26f) just found out I’m pregnant after having revenge sex with the fiancé (35m) of the girl (30f) who my ex boyfriend(32m) cheated on me with for 2 years.

My ex and I met when I was 20 but were only friends until we started dating 2 1/2 years ago. I found out last year that my ex had been cheating on me for basically our whole relationship with a girl he met through a mutual friend. I broke things off after I found out and told the girl’s fiancé about their affair, he ended up breaking off their engagement after he found out and she seemed nonchalant about it until she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his (my grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).

It’s not something I’m proud of now that I think back to it, but I did allow my ex to walk all over me for the first month or two after I broke things off because I missed him so much, I gave him money and tried to make things work but would always get reprimanded by my parents and friends when I’d run to them crying after he ghosted me for her, I didn’t officially give him up until the girl’s ex fiancé messaged me and told me that she was rubbing it in some of their old friends’ faces about how pathetic I was and how desperate I was for my ex who didn’t even give an f about me. I was really upset and asked him if he’d be willing to meet up with me because I knew that if I talked to my parents or friends about this, then they’d just lecture me even more. He agreed and the two of us met up at a random food cart place, we ended up spending most of the day just exploring and talking about how we were doing.

He’d also confided in me about his relationship with his ex, they’d known each other for 10 years and they’d liked each other for most of the time they were friends but he wasn’t looking for a relationship because he was focusing on school. He had decided to give them a chance after she’d driven 12+hrs overnight to him because they’d talked on the phone and he said he was feeling under the weather and was stressed from how vigorous his residency schedule was. She’d dropped everything to take care of him, help clean his place, and made him some home cooked meals after finding out that he was surviving off of vending machine snacks and instant coffee. He told me in detail about how he’d never felt so loved and cared for, how after she’d done that for him, he’d decided that she was the one; that if this wasn’t love, then love wasn’t real. Finding out that she was cheating for the last two years made everything click into place, she’d been pushing off getting married, telling all her friends that she was having doubts about him. He’d been trying to convince her into going to couple’s counseling when I broke the news to him that she was sleeping with my ex.

I felt like a monster, hearing their love story and then realizing that they didn’t get their happy ending because of my ex and I messed with my head. We continued to talk from time to time, checking in on each other and meeting up for quick bite every now and then, we lost contact after the girl my ex cheated on me with somehow convinced him to take her back. I became slightly depressed after he cut me off, explaining to me that he was still in love with her and wanted to work things out, which meant a clean slate.

I found out through some internet snooping that my ex cheated on her too, which was why she went back to her ex fiancé. A few months passed and things went back to semi-normal, I started getting therapy and was about ready to put myself back out there to try out the dating pool again when around new years I got a call from the guy, he was crying and asking if I was available to talk, I of course said yes and out of concern met up with him at his place. He broke down to me and told me about how he’d found her and my ex in his mom’s guest bedroom during Christmas when she’d snuck him in for a quickie during his family’s busy holiday party, all hell broke loose when he’d found them in the guest bedroom after spending 20mins looking for her everywhere. We drank a bit and ended up having sex, he apologized and told me that it was a mistake and he wasn’t in his right mind, that he just wanted revenge sex but it didn’t make him feel any better after. I tried to message him platonically a few times after to see if he was alright but he blocked me, so I dropped it and went on with my therapy and life. I went in last week to check with my doctor since I’d been getting bad cramps and to get a new prescription refill for my birth control that I use to help with my PCOS, I had to do a usual test to double check for the possibility if I was pregnant and was very surprised when it came back positive.

I have been sitting on this new knowledge and have been contemplating on if I should tell him, not tell him, or if I should even keep the pregnancy. My doctor did inform that since I am still in the earlier stages I am still at a big risk of having a miscarriage, so I don’t know if I should even be worrying at all about all of this since there is a chance that I could lose it, and then it’d just seem like I was trying to grab at his attention or something, especially after he’d made it clear to me that he wasn’t comfortable talking to me anymore after we slept together. I haven’t told anyone and have been going crazy because I don’t know what to do.

May 20, 2024

Update I’m not sure how Reddit works, but I will simply make a new post.

A lot has happened since my original post.

I know a lot of people were against this, but I went through with the pregnancy and I am forever thankful for my beautiful baby. I had originally planned to get an abortion, but I found myself unable to go through with the appointment. (I am pro-choice and always will be. Just because I chose to keep my baby doesn’t mean another woman/girl should be forced to keep a pregnancy they do not wish to continue. Everyone has a right to their own bodies.) My parents were very upset with me and my whole family disowned me. I listened to what some of you said about letting the father know (will be referring to him as ‘Dave’), after many failed attempts to reach out to him I decided to go in person. Dave was not happy when I showed up at his place but when I told him why, he agreed to talk with me. Dave let me know that he’d officially ended things with his ex and wanted to go no contact with me because I was another tie to his past with her, but he was willing to try and figure out a co-parenting plan with me if I agreed to a paternity test first. I of course felt a bit bad about the paternity test part but agreed to it since we both had only been acquaintances that bonded over our trauma. Everything was honestly easy cruising until I started to spot around the 26 week mark, my OBGYN explained that while spotting is normal while pregnant, mine was heavier and my blood sugar/blood pressure also both worried them because of gestational diabetes and preeclampsia risk.

After a few nights of Dave insisting on sleeping on my couch, I had him help me move some of my things to his place since he lived closer to the hospital. I am very thankful I decided to semi-move in with him when I did bc I went into premature labor at 32 weeks. I am very thankful to have had Dave and his family as my support system; his mom would come and switch out with him at the hospital and advocated for me whenever I felt washed out or unheard, she helped me both emotionally and physically and stood by me. Dave’s mom also helped me work through my emotions when all I wanted was my mom (she and my dad had gone no contact with me after I decided to keep and have my baby). Dave’s mom was an absolute godsend also because she’s a retired nurse (she started in OB, went to NICU and eventually later settled into lactation before retiring) and explained things to me when we found out that my baby had respiratory problems and had SUA (single umbilical artery) and that it could’ve been a factor into why I went into premature labor. She stayed with Dave and I so she could help me with pumping since I wasn’t able to produce milk and encouraged me when I felt like such a failure for not being able to take care of my son when he needed me most, she drove me to and from the hospital while my son was in the NICU because I was healing and so mentally/physically exhausted. I really and truly believe that I didn’t fall into deep postpartum depression because she held me and helped me with each step and was always so patient with me, even when I wasn’t with myself. Dave’s mom would constantly remind me that nothing was our fault and no one did anything wrong, it just that everyone is faced with hardships in life and this was one we’d work together to get through.

My son graduated from the NICU and came home a month after I did, Dave’s mom visited us often and helped with him since Dave and I are first time parents. Dave’s dad joked that he felt like she and I had the baby together and he and Dave were both just background characters that make guest star appearances every now and then since Dave was working so much in order to build more PTO and his mom wouldn’t bring his dad along when she’d come visit since she didn’t want him to disturb me and the baby with his loudness (Dave’s dad is hard of hearing and can sometimes be unaware of his volume so he took no offense to it).

Dave’s siblings and family members posted a lot about our son because he was the first grandchild and first baby in a long time, Dave’s youngest cousin is 17 (turning 18 this year). Somehow someone must’ve shared a photo or something, but pictures of us reached my family and my parents demanded I let them meet my son. Dave was supportive of whatever I chose to do and said he’d agree to them meeting him if that’s what I wanted. After thinking about it for a few days I decided that I wanted to talk to my parents before I let them meet my son; when we met up to talk, my parents were offended that I didn’t bring my son with us and left him with Dave’s parents, they said some really hurtful things and then my dad started to question on when Dave was going to ask him for permission for us to get married since we didn’t already have a shotgun wedding while I was pregnant. I was okay with them insulting me since I’d grown up with it and was used to it, but once my parents put their target on Dave and his family I became upset and decided it was time for us to leave.

My parents did try to petition for legal visitation rights (honestly, before this whole ordeal, I did not even know that grandparents rights existed), but were denied because my son is still very young and because both Dave and I are very much on good terms, are living in the same household, and they couldn’t find or prove that there was any danger to our son’s wellbeing. My family did try to reach out to us and claim that we were horrible people for denying my parents their grandchild, but no one ever seemed to be able to make a peep when Dave’s family would defend us and point out that my family had been the one to disown me and that no one cared to see if I was okay until after I had the baby and everything was handled. Dave’s mom and my mom got in a verbal (almost physical) altercation after my mom had made false reports to cps and called the police to do multiple welfare checks on us, my mom was given a warning by the police for harassing us after one specific incident where she threw a tantrum and caused a scene when the police found nothing wrong in the welfare check and refused to listen to her demands to have my son temporarily taken away from us and put in her custody ‘for his safety’. Dave and I currently have restraining orders pending against my parents and certain family members.

One of the reasons I decided to update is because about two months ago a friend of Dave’s asked him out to have some drinks and they ran into his ex-fiance who later messaged him to tell him that she regretted the way they ended and how she was very hurt when she heard that we had a baby together, especially with it being so soon after their relationship. Dave wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt, and when I asked him he just brushed me off or switched the conversation onto a topic about our son that he knew would distract me. I noticed Dave pulling away from me and how our relationship became a bit awkward and strained after their run in and her message because I know he still has feelings for her and I am afraid that he might feel trapped with me and our son. I also noticed that the drama with my family has made Dave and his family less patient with me and my son, during Mother’s Day I overheard a few of his family members make comments to Dave about me being at their family barbecue since ‘I was just my son’s mom’ and ‘not really’ part of the family, Dave just shrugged and said I didn’t have anyone else to spend the day with.

With how tense things have been, I have been thinking about moving out and back into my place. I stayed with Dave at his place after I gave birth, but now that our son is slightly older and I am healed, I want to give Dave back some space so that he can start dating again if he wants to and to give him back some more ‘bachelor’ time when I have our son. I want to find a way to approach me moving out and us making a coparenting plan without making making things more awkward or possibly ruining the relationship I have with Dave and his parents, I don’t want them to feel like I’m not grateful or anything, but I do want to go back to work and get my life back on track so that I can provide my portion of needs for my son and not want to depend on his family for more than appropriate.

May 24, 2024

I’ve been trying my best to not check my phone or Reddit since I’m honestly a little overwhelmed right now. I will let you all know that I did talk to Dave and he was against me moving out, he also wasn’t willing to talk about the situation what how he’s been acting after running into his ex and said I was bringing up something that didn’t matter since we were talking about me wanting to move out. I haven’t said anything about what I heard during Mother’s Day and I don’t think I’m going to mention it since I feel really bad that it was meant to be a private conversation so I don’t think anyone meant anything bad. During our conversation Dave let me know that maybe I’m just overthinking or overreacting and that I shouldn’t make big decisions like moving out, he also talked about how because our son is a preemie he’d prefer if one of us was a stay at home parent until he turned 2-3yrs old so he could catch up with his peers and then once he started pre-k then we could go back to work again. But I feel like he’s been trying to avoid me since the conversation but I could also me overthinking like he said…but after reading someone comments I do feel like I’m valid in the way I feel but I am also not sure anymore, I want to do what’s best for my son. I know people already think I’m so dumb and that I shouldn’t have had him, but I am trying to be better for my son, I feel like he’s my only family left and I really want to try to do what’s best for him.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

My fiancée Allie(31f) is the type of person that calls people 2 or 3 times in a row when she wants to get ahold of them for anything. The first time she did this to my parents we were driving to a concert and I asked her to call my folks from my phone. She called, they didn't pick up. She started calling my mom again right away and I asked what she was doing. My mom picked up right away worried. Allie asked our question, I told mom false alarm, hung up. She asked why my mom had been irritated and I explained to her in my family, we only call twice in a row if it's an emergency.

Allie has never followed this and will always call them repeatedly for the most mundane stuff. If one doesn't answer she'll sometimes call my other parent.

All that to say a couple of weeks ago she broke her leg while working around the house. I was in a workshop for work that day and could only check my phone on breaks. She called my parents since they live a couple streets over but neither answered their phones. She wound up having to call an ambulance. I got her message about 2 hours after she fell and went to the hospital. She was pretty mad at my parents when I got there. I let then know what happened and they also rushed to the hospital to apologize and check on her. She didn't want them coming in so they sat outside for a bit, got her flowers from the gift shop and eventually went home.

I took some time off work to take care of her and my parents have been offering help as they could. Her sister drove in to help so I could go back to work. Last night I decided to make a nicer dinner than usual and wanted to invite my parents. I gave her a heads up I was inviting them and asked if she wanted me to rearrange some of the chairs and table so we can all eat together.

She got mad I wanted to invite them and is of the mind I shouldn't be wanting to see/speak with them after they ignored her. Her sister agrees with her and feels I'm putting my parents over my soon to be wife. Up until this point I haven't said anything to her about the situation but I did then and told her it was a massive fuck-up in communication on everyone's part and time we all talk it out to put behind us. Neither she nor her sister think she should stop being mad at them. Was I an asshole to invite my parents over?

Asked info: My parents were sitting outside for their quiet time when she called. It's not unusual for them to not answer calls/texts and wait to return them later when they do that. I myself had to do the two calls routine so they knew it was urgent.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

[New Update]: I think my (23M) best friend's (24M) fiancée hates me and I don't know why.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH -----

Trigger Warnings: possible controlling behavior, verbal and emotional abuse, homophobia

: March 16, 2024

I never thought I would find myself in a situation like this, but here goes. My (23M) best friend's (24M) fiance hates me and I don't know why. For the purpose of this story, I'll call him Finn. A little backstory, Finn and I have both known each other since we were in 6th grade. We grew so close from their that he had grown to be a part of my family, and I a part of his. Around the summer of my 10th grade year, I came out to my parents as gay. Let's just say that they didn't take it too kindly, and I ended up disowned, but that's a story for another day. (Gonna start it off and say I've never had or teased any romantic feelings towards Finn.)

To make a long story short, Finn's family happily took me in and treated me with nothing but kindness. When Finn and I graduated from highschool, he went on to work under his father while his parents helped me pay to attend college. During my time away for college is when Finn met Sara (27F). I believe it was my 3rd year of college when I finally got to meet her. It was during a family dinner. I greeted her warmly and tried to make my best impression because she's my best friends girlfriend. When I went to shake her hand, she looked at my hand in a weird way. I don't want to say disgust, but I'm not sure how to describe it. I felt a little bummed, but it was whatever. Maybe she is just nervous.

After that school break, weird things started happening like me and Finn's messages randomly being muted, or my number randomly being blocked on Finn's phone. (At one point it got so weird that Finn contacted AT&T to see if it was a glitch or something.) Obviously I'm guessing it was her, but I would never accuse someone without any hard proof, plus I'm like 2 states over at the time, so I literally have no proof.

Things got even worse when I moved back home after finally graduating from college. Because I have so much respect for their relationship, I never tried to make plans with Finn. If we went out at any point, it was because he was sure he had nothing planned and he would set the date and everything and then let me know. This worked fine, until it didn't. I want to clarify that we got to hang out about 2 or 3 times a month, for about 3 months.

After those 3 months, that's where things started getting weird. On the days where Finn and I planned to meet, Sara would call him and have some sort of situation literally about an hour or less from the time we would be meeting. She would say things like she's having car troubles, she's feeling ill, or she is lonely and needs him. I never felt right trying to stop him from going to her if he needed to, he would say he didn't, but just to avoid anything I'd cancel on him just to make him go see her. (Surprise, there would be no car troubles, and all of a sudden she felt so much better). Eventually Finn and I stopped hanging out as much because it just got annoying, for me at least. We would see each other at family gatherings, but that would be about it.

Fast forward to January of this year, Finn proposed to Sara. Everyone including myself had been over the moon for them. Who wouldn't be happy to see their best friend tie the knot with someone they love. Let me be the first to say this has been the shittiest time ever. To start, she puzzled everyone by immediately making a post on her Instagram story with a picture of her and Finn. She captioned the picture "Better than the rest." with a kissing emoji. This led me and Finn's older siblings asking him if he cheated, because who's "the rest." Finn responds that she's just too excited to make sense. That made no sense to me either, but not my circus.

With their wedding coming up soon, their planning has been nothing short of a nightmare. Her family for some reason doesn't want to help with the cost of the wedding which isn't their obligation so I get it, but we as a family decided to all pitch in and help them get the best wedding possible. After everything had been covered there was only one thing left. Who would be in the wedding party. We knew there would be one since she talked so much about it.

Finn only had one request and that was me being his best man. She initially agreed, but after a few weeks she came back and said that me being best man wont be possible because she wants that spot for her brother. This caused some troubles for them, and things were almost called off until I had just talked to Finn and was just like...it's fine, just let her have it and enjoy your day. Don't let me be the reason you lose what you two have. Of course I was upset about it , but I would feel worse if things went south because of me. I would say that was my biggest mistake as now it feels like she is flexing her power.

Recently, during another family dinner she brought up seating and shower us a few pictures. Why would I not be surprised that she sat me at a table away from those I would call my family. When she showed us, I got a few glances from Finns parents and siblings, and damn I might be a doormat, but I was just fine with it if the wedding still got to happen.

My problem is I just want things to be fine if not good between me and her. I don't know if it's because I'm not related by blood or she's homophobic or whatever it may be, but I don't want this to be a constant thing. I hoped that with time, things would get better, and they really haven't. I'm hoping things get better after the wedding, but I'm not even sure. I don't want to talk to anyone close to us and start something, and I'm really considering going low contact with Finn if this solves the issue, but I don't really know what I'm doing here. How do I go about this while protecting my relationship with Finn's family, my friendship with Finn, and not destroying his relationship?

TLDR: My (23M) best friend's (24M) fiance hates me and I don't know why.

: March 16, 2024 (same day, 15 hours later)

So I wasn't expecting to update so soon, but I had something unexpected that happened today.

Link to previous post:

So yesterday I posted about problems I'm having with my bestfriends fiance. After receiving a ton of great advice, I figured that I would at least speak to one of Finn's family members or Finn himself tomorrow since that's when we meet for dinner, but I was a bit surprised when Finn dropped by my apartment today.

I was spooked at first with me making the reddit post and thinking that he had seen the post and was here to confront me. Luckily he said that he was just in the area and decided to stop by. There was the initial small talk you do when someone comes over and then a good 20 minutes of us daydreaming about the food we are having tomorrow (LOL), but then I remembered someone saying I should show Finn the reddit post.

I learned that the more I waited, the more damage there will be when things come to a head. I guess he noticed my hesitancy since he asked me what's going on. As much as I wanted to say nothing and keep letting the issue stay where it is, there would be no point of me coming on here asking you all for help. I pulled up the reddit post on my laptop and showed him the post. He read the post about 3 or 4 times, which made me nervous again since time was going on and on and he had just been staring with no reaction for so long.

After a while, he asked "Is this it?". I can't even explain how fast my heart sunk. I thought he was about to downplay the situation even though I would say that the two of us have always been understanding of what eachother are going through. He read through the comments of the post before he sat the laptop down. I want to thank you guys so much because the conversation that followed had me floored. I would say all most everyone who gave suggestions were correct in someway. Anyways the conversation went like this:

Finn: Have I ever made you feel like this was something you couldn't tell me?

Me: That's a very difficult question to answer. Not directly but your happiness played a huge role in me just brushing it under the rug.

Finn: You should have told me this long ago. Don't you think I would want to know about this? I thought things were going fine.

Finn: There is a difference between you being considerate of my relationship with Sara, and you letting me be stupid enough to let her run over you and our friendship.

After that, I had to ask him if he really saw nothing going on. He said he felt really pissed about the entire wedding situation, but he chalked it up to her just wanting her day to be how she imagined it. I made sure to remind him that it's his day as well, which us honestly something I should have said back when I was removed from best man. I then asked him would he have idea why she acts the way towards me. I had never met the girl, so it puzzled me how she could be so ehh towards me.

Me thinking it would be a little petty reason that could be easily fixed, Right??? WRONG!! Whoever said something about a drunken confession or something of the sort, you would be right. Apparently during my time in college, Finn got closer to some people who went to our high school. This led to him meeting Sara as well. He said that before he and Sara started dating, it was one time where they had all decided to hang out and had been playing some sort of drunken confessions game. I've never really been to parties like that, so I dont know how those work.

Anyways, he started rambling for a bit before I asked for him to get to the point, in whatever fucked up way it happened, he remembers saying something along the lines of "I wish (My name) was a girl." Not blaming him, but there is NO WAY you said some crazy stuff like that. I almost thought he was joking, but he had a stone face.

No wonder she hates me, and that makes me wish I would have spoke up sooner. I told him how whatever he said was not okay. I also told him that if he knew he said something like that, out of everyone, HE should have known that she would feel some kind of way. He tried to excuse it by saying that he thought no one would remember and it was just something that would pass. Let me clarify that Finn and I have NEVER had anything going on. I don't even know why something like that would be said, and it still feels unbelievable to me. Now I can sort of understand where Sara is coming from, but then again

1. If this guy were to say something like that, why would you even go after him?

2. If you do end up with this guy, why are you going after the person who he said those things about like it's their fault.

3. If there was a problem that obviously Sara felt some way about, she should have talked to him or even me and we could have spoke about it. (Says the guy who sat quietly for this long, I know.)

Anyways, to sum up the rest of our conversation, we ended up understanding that there is a problem that at least he and Sara need to address. He told me he'd call later today after they sit down and have a talk. Every so often, I laugh because what kind of confession is "I wish he was a girl." Dude....no. Before anyone asks, no, I didn't ask him if he still felt that way because that's just a can I don't want to open. I'll be sure to update you all whenever he talks to Sara and hopefully we can find some sort of common ground.

: March 18, 2024

So...I guess it's safe to say that the wedding is off. On Friday I came here with the problem of my bestfriends fiance hating me. After getting a ton of great advice, I was able to speak to Finn when he dropped by the next day. We spoke for a really long time, with some really weird things being said (check previous update). Anyways, after Saturday, Finn told me he'd call me that night after he spoke to his fiance, Sara. Well that never happened.

Sunday dinner rolled around and everyone came by. I knew he had spoke to Sara because she was giving me a death glare from across the table. Alright, now you're starting to piss me off. We get through dinner and now everyone had just been in conversation. At some point, Finn pulled both me and Sara outside to the backyard. There was a long silence, but then Finn cleared his throat and then the conversation went something like this:

Finn: Do it.

Sara: I already told you, I'm not doing anything.

Me: What does she have to do?

Finn: She needs to apologize about everything so we can all be fine.

Sara: I did nothing wrong. Your relationship is weird. (My name) is weird. His relationship with your family is weird, and I should be the one making you apologize.

Me: I get why you're upset, but things Finn said in the past are not my fault, and I'm sure there are some things people say where they're drunk that they don't-

So at this point, Sara got red in the face and just began screaming. Watching this play out in real time, the first thought in my head was "She needs a fucking exorcism." Most of what she was saying couldn't even be understood, but I made out things like "He fucking knew" and "Why would you tell him you said that, I knew you two had something going on."

W. T. F. So at that point Finn's parents and siblings had finally came outside because of Sara and they asked what's going on. I try to explain, but Sara just starts screaming that I'm a "dirty dog that needs to be put down." I guess to cool the situation down, after a little convincing Finns mom is able to get Sara into the house. Finns sister also went inside with them, leaving only me, Finn, Finn's older brother, and Finn's dad outside. I explain my side of the story and then Finn explains his side. We spoke about the talk Finn and I had at my apartment on Saturday. He received some teasing for the weird comment he made about me, but the conversation became serious again. Eventually Finn's mom and sister come back outside. They say that Sara is in the bathroom cleaning herself up. His mom starts the conversation with "Are you two messing around?" I'm. Fucking. FLOORED. I fill her in on everything she is yet to know. I tell her that I've never flirted, kissed, or doing anything else that was not platonic with Finn.

I'm guessing Sara was listening in through the backdoor instead of just coming out, because as soon as the words left my mouth she came out screaming at me that I'm a liar. I ask her at what point have I ever made her feel like I'm chasing after Finn. I mean I'm helping to fund their damn wedding. Finn parents are trying to help her understand that everything is being misunderstood, but she isn't having it. She kept yelling until the point where Finn had to pull her aside. It started off as a yelling match between them, but then things finally began to calm down and I thought she understood and we could talk it out. RIGHT???? WRONG!!!

Color me fucking surprised when she walks back over like everything is fine and slaps me. After the long period of silence and shock, I was just done and I was like "I'm out." Finn and Sara begin yelling at eachother again but at that point of couldn't have cared any less. I head back inside to grab my things cause I'm done with the situation.

Eventually Sara's screams at Finn go from calling him names to her saying "I'm sorry" and "give it back". Finn yelled at her to stop. Hell, even I was scared and I didn't even do anything. He then said something like "I let you have the wedding how you wanted. I've never given you a reason to doubt me.The fact that you're just yelling and screaming here like a toddler is honestly something I'm not looking for in a partner. You make up this fake scenario in your head, and why?? What good does that do. You're pissed about a comment made at a party before we even dated, and that is crazy to me. You won't apologize. You won't listen. I should took the ring the moment you slapped him. Nobody in this house has EVER disrespected everyone else like you've done today."

Finn came inside as well, and began grabbing his things. He told his parents that he's gonna sleep in his old bedroom upstairs for a few nights which they were fine with. I knew Sara had driven over with him, and before anything, no matter what they went through he should make sure he gets her home safe. After I spoke to him about taking her home he agreed. Everyone had finished grabbing their things around the same time with me, Finn, Sara, and his siblings all heading to our cars at the same time.

The entire time, I was surprised but not interested when Sara began apologizing to me. I mean, I didn't even want her to apologize in the first place, but just treat me with the kindness I offered to her. Why did we have to go through all of this for you to realize that you're just being downright nasty. I'm not sure if she's been cheated on in the past or if it's some kind of trauma or something, but it's also not for me to figure out.

Finn ended up dropping her off, and I'm guessing he called me by the time he got back to his parents place. I didn't even answer because I was just tired and the entire confrontation drained me. It definitely could have went better, and I hoped that this would be something that could be easily fixed, instead it destroyed a relationship which I feel shitty about.

It's Monday after noon and there is still no word on if Finn and Sara have even spoke to eachother this morning. I haven't spoken to anyone this morning either, but Finn did send me a few tiktok videos. I think it's just sad because even with the way she treated me, I think their relationship was a beautiful thing, and it socks that things such as jealousy and misunderstandings can be silent killers to a relationship. I thank you all for the advice and for pushing me towards talking to someone about this. I wish things could have ended differently, but as some of you said, this should be a wake up call towards both Finn and I. I'm not sure what will come of everything. Maybe they will reconcile eventually, but I think for now the wedding may be off.

Relevant Comments

MissMew0417: I just want to say that I have a lot of respect on how you handled the situation. I'm sorry that things devolved the way that they did.

OOP: Thank you. I feel bad as well, but more so for Finn since his years long relationship just went up in flames.

StrongTxWoman: She is a homophobe and she hit OP. So many eye witnesses. OP can press charges literally.

Don't accept those fake apologies. She just wants her wedding. She is not sorry. She is only sorry she caught red handed.

I am sure her family and friends will believe her lies. She probably is one of those MAGA people.

Good riddances.

OOP From what I know about her, half of her family doesn't talk to her. I don't know why tho. Also, I also felt like she was a homophobe after she made the dog comment. I doubt she'd be back around us after Finn's parents have seen that side of her. They messaged all of us (excluding Sara) explaining their dislike for the situation and how they think it's best if Sara doesn't visit.

Beneficial_Syrup_869: You’re amazing for the way you respect their relationship and handled that mess last night! The fact that she thought slapping you in front of a group of people who love you and for them to agree to kick you out of their lives because the delusion she created in her mind is mind boggling? She doesn’t not seem mentally well, especially if half her family doesn’t talk to her.

I don’t believe their relationship is as good as you think it was, her mask started slipping a while ago. Hopefully, for the sanity of your family and Finn they part ways, cause imagine how jealous she’d be if he gave a baby attention.

OOP: If there is something mentally wrong, I hope she can get the help she needs. I do wonder if her family cutting her off ties in to the mental issues. If that is the case and the wedding is off, I hope they use the money from any refunds they get to get Sara therapy or something.

malYca: Why do you feel bad? Your best friend was spared marrying and possibly breeding with an insane covert narcissist. You guys should be celebrating. You're too afraid to rock the boat and that's going to bite you more than help you. If you had addressed this after the first instance, I bet it wouldn't have blown up like it has. Your people will always value you, even if you don't value yourself. If they're with someone that hates you, that's going to be a deal breaker for them and that's ok. Stand up for yourself more.

OOP: I would say it's a bittersweet feeling. I'm glad her mask fell as people say, and Finn saw her for who she was if he hadn't already. But also I'm never happy to see people who go through things like this.

: March 20, 2024

Update 3: I think my (23M) best friend's (24M) fiance hates me and I don't know why.

Hello Reddit,

It has been almost a week since my initial post and I can't thank you all enough for all the advice. Even the people who called me out on being a doormat, thank you. Since my last update a lot has happened.

I want to start things out by flat out saying that their isn't a chance of reconciliation between Finn and Sara, and after reading everything and really taking a stepback to see how this situation was definitely a blessing, I'm happy with the outcome. Since the major fallout, me and Finn have spoken a lot about not only being open and honest with eachother about things that bother us, but to also establish boundaries for our future partners (Not that either of us are getting out there.)

Yesterday evening, Finn and I went over to the apartment he shares with Sara to retrieve his belongings. When we got there, Sara wasn't home so that was a relief. It was a bit of work to get all of his things bagged/boxed up and put in the rental, but luckily we got everything.

I actually live in a decent sized apartment, so Finn is gonna stay with me until he settles everything with the place he had with Sara. Finn along with the rest of his family ended up blocking Sara, with Finn blocking her after they spoke a final time this morning. I was around during the conversation and there was another moment where you all really helped.

I'm guessing Finn did take notes from you all because he spoke for a long period about how she has things that she needs to work on before looking for a relationship with some of them being the ability to love herself and dealing with her mental health as well as she is clearly not in a good state. There was a lot more, but that is just to make a long story short.

She asked him was there really no chance that things could work out between them. He told her no, not only because of what he had just said, but because she disrespected him, me, and the rest of his family. He told her he should have put his foot down a long time ago, and it's just as much his fault as it is hers that things got this far. He told her that he wished the best for her, and when she is ready for a relationship and the right time comes, then that will be that. There was a long moment of silence and then she ended the call, and he blocked her not long after. I'm not sure how the wedding cancelations and all that good stuff will work, but I'm sure we'll handle it.

As far as me and Finn's relationship goes, I feel really happy. I feel like I got my best friend back, and it's crazy how you don't realize how different the energy in friendships become when you are in situations like that for that long. I can admit that no, none of this was NOT my fault, HOWEVER I could have spoke up about it not only for myself but for Finn as well.

Maybe the two of us along with the rest of the family should take a trip somewhere, taking time for ourselves. I think this whole situation has been very eye opening for both me and Finn and there needs to be some changes, ESPECIALLY with us and our communication, because as you all said, it wouldn't have gotten this far had we spoke on it. That's pretty much it.

There wasn't a crazy fight scene where the police bust in and take Sara away. I think that Sara DEFINITELY needs to get her shit together, but we also have to better ourselves as well, and some of you have made me very aware of the pushover I can be. :) You've all given me so much guidance and that really warms my heart. I actually cried a little, because almost a week ago, I felt so hopeless.

This will most likely be the last update, but before I go I'll answer some of your questions that I felt shouldn't go ignored. Also, I read EVERY. SINGLE. COMMENT. And even if I didn't respond, best believe I took it to heart and I am forever grateful.

Okay, First Question...

Why do you think their relationship was a beautiful thing? I can't say my words were misconstrued, but I will say that I expressed myself and my thoughts the wrong way. What I was trying to convey was not the beauty of their relationship, but the beauty of relationships and the idea of relationships as a whole. I hope both Finn and Sara find their person when they are ready.

Why do you feel bad? This was another case of me expressing my thoughts poorly. I don't feel bad that Finn got out of that situation. I'm happy that he's out of that toxic environment before things got even more messy. What I felt bad about was that there was a situation to even begin with, and if my best friend his hurting, I can't help but feel bad.

Being a rebound for Finn? No. Absolutely not. If there were to ever be something between me and Finn, it would be under full understanding that we are in it for eachother. Not saying that it would ever even happen, but what good would a rebound do besides hurting eachother? Once again not claiming to have feelings for him, but even if I did I wouldn't use this ass a chance to start anything with him with emotions everywhere.

The last time I heard from my family? A few months before I started college which was many years ago. I wish them the best, just not around me.

Have you and Finn cleared up what your relationship is meant to be? Yes, we definitely have, especially with the help of you all. I made it known to Finn that it's fine to feel however you feel towards me or anyone, but you have to understand who you are and what you want out of relationships with people whether it's friendships, lovers, etc. Someone said platonic soulmates and that definitely suits us, haha.

Why did Sara's family disown her? That remains unknown. If I ever find out, I'll let you all know. I wish her the best as well, just not around me.

Has Sara ever physically abused Finn? No. He has said that they argued consistently, but there was never any hands laid on one another.

Did you file a police report against Sara? No I did not, but do not worry. Since it all happened on the back porch, it had been picked up on the camera and I have it saved to my phone if I ever need it which I doubt.

How have your partners felt about Finn? Never had one.

I think that pretty much wraps it up!! If anyone has any more questions, I'll do my best to answer. If this wasn't the update you expected, still treat me kindly. Once again I love you all so much. ❤️❤️❤️

Relevant Comments

PtarmiganTzar: It’s as happy of an update as we could hope for. I hope he will be okay. A thought though. I know it is great to have him around and be best friends again, and your support is incredible! But because your relationship was the thing she latched onto to cause her mental break down of the relationship, maybe him staying with his family might be best for a bit? I would just hate for her to start spreading rumors that y’all have to awkwardly fight off

OOP: Finn works under his dad, and they work every day. Also, I live a good distance away from their apartment, and my area has great surveillance.❤️ I will take your concern into consideration though.

hoeticxjustice: How did Finn’s parents feel? Considering they watched you guys grow up

OOP: They both, along with Finns siblings, have always been always been supportive of any decisions Finn and I made. When they were told that things were off with Sara, they completely understood, just like when Finn decided he didn't see want college, or I decided I did. They truly are amazing❤️

: March 24, 2024

Hi to those still out there!! :D A little has happened since everything went down. We are currently at a vacation cabin, and the picture is a trail that we had took a walk on. Finn is doing really well and his parents as well as the rest of us are really happy to have him around a lot more. I've lived in the city all my life, so to see those huge hills is crazy, haha.

Also, I guess Sara has been up as well. Since Finn and Sara basically have the same friend group, he saw a picture from someone else's page of Sara out at the club. He seemed indifferent to it, so I guess he's also learning to let it go if he hasn't already. Finn's parents and siblings leave tomorrow afternoon for either work or other reasons, but Finn and I decided to stay at the cabin for a while longer.

----NEW UPDATE----

: April 24, 2024

Hi everyone!! I know it's been a while, a little over a month since you've last heard from me and a few people asked for an update.

Nothing much has happened. I finished playing elden ring, which was a pretty fun game (besides the parts where I raged). I also thought I may have met a guy, but our views on things were a bit too different for my liking, which is okay.

Finn in still staying with me, and the only problem is him wanting to use my Xbox 24/7 (I'm kidding lol). I really don't know much about Sara. I heard she's with a new guy, but eh. Rumors are rumors.

A funny thing that did happen was Finn and I getting scolded by his parents once we got back from the trip. The whole communication is key thing that they literally hammered into our head the entire trip.

I would say that things are going good. I hope you are all doing good as well.❤️

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My(26m) wife(24) confessed to sleeping with someone else. When I asked her why, she muttered ‘He’s really muscular.’ I told her I need some time to think about it, whether I’ll be pursuing divorce or not.

Last night, I woke up to find her touching my penis. She said she wants to show me she still loves me and tried to take her pajamas off but I told her no. She said she doesn’t know how else to show me she is sorry, and I shouldn’t go out of my way to make things difficult for her.

My older brother(29M) has always has it easy and got way too comfortable in his situation. He was always the favorite compared to myself(25F) and my sister(32F), the handsome kid, popular in high school and with girls, that kind of thing. It seems during college he actually found a long term girlfriend and when he finished up school he married her.

It's been 6 years since they married and he hasn't done anything. His wife has always been a driven, successful woman. How he got her to marry him I will never know. Since they married he has not worked, they don't have kids, he barely does anything around the house (he outright admits it), he has gained a considerable amount of weight, developed a crippling porn addiction (he's way too open to admitting it, it's awkward), and spends his days with that or gaming.

My brother got too used to gliding through life because he was always the pretty and fun guy. Now that he had his dream girl who provided for the house and brought in a ton of money without him having to lift a finger, he stopped trying to contribute at all. His wife works and does all the chores. They're roommates

Ive always liked her and we hang out quiet a bit. About 4 years ago she started doing anything she could to fix the relationship, since of course my brother manipulated her into believing it was her fault. She tried to set up therapy appointments, go to the gym more, encouraging him to go to the gym, tried intimacy more often, cut back hours to spend more time with him, bought him expensive things. She spent years trying everything she could to fix things believing it was her fault. He didn't try a single thing. Outright rejected therapy, mocked her weight even though she practically has a supermodel figure, insisted his weight was fine, refused to lift a finger for the house, and kept blaming her for the way things were, saying if she tried more he would be better.

3 years later she was still coming home to him watching porn in a dirty house while she cooked and cleaned. 3 years of her working herself to the bone only to come home to a emotionally abusive husband who beat her down while she tried everything to fix her marriage.

Last year she decided she wanted a divorce. My brother became hostile and promised to drag it out and take as much as he could, as apparently that have a prenuptial that he somehow got her to agree to. I know very little about divorce laws especially in our state except for that we don't live in an at fault state, but according to her if she tried to go forward with it and he got petty, he could take alot from her. Everything they have is because of her. She decided against divorce. She was trapped with him and accepted it against mine and others objections.

I guess by then she was over his bullshit. She slowly spent more time away from home and claimed she was working extra hours. She didn't bother him about therapy or his weight. She actually pretty much stopped interacting with him. She didn't cook anymore. She didn't clean anymore. It didn't take long for her to admit to me she was spending quite a bit of time with other guys and girls. She never brought any home but was staying out late quite a bit. My brother didn't notice, and I didn't care. For years she was a beaten down shell trying to appease someone who didn't respect her. Now she was lively, happy, outgoing, and everything she used to be. I'm not happy about her feeling stuck with my brother, or the concept of cheating in general, but apparently it works for her

It didn't take long for him to find out. Apparently there were alot of people she was meeting. He was livid, demanded she stop, and threatened divorce. She didn't care. She told him he knew where the door was. It was her home soley and she was allowing him to stay out of obligation. She told him she would gladly stop if he agreed to a fair divorce without him fighting it, and that she was showing decency as a provider and a wife by not bringing her partners into their home. The thing is, even if my brother got his way in the divorce, he knew that money would not last at all, and without any work experience and the shape he was currently in, he would be screwed. He was an overweight slacker who barely had anything to his name. Prenup or not now he was stuck.

And so that's how it's been for nearly a year. She barely comes home anymore, and the list of APs has only gotten longer. My brother has tried going to the gym more, picking up a part time job, cooking, but it's too late. He had years to fix this and only chose to change when his back was against the wall. He's been begging me to make her stop and to give their marriage a shot. I told him he's a moron who only has himself to blame. If you beat down a patient and caring person long enough, they will absolutely mess you up. He needs to just accept a divorce in her favor and learn from this. He didn't like my answer at all and hasn't talked to me for a couple weeks.

I 27F was a bridesmaid at my older sister's wedding last week. The wedding was beautiful and everything seemed perfect until the reception. During the reception the maid of honor who has been my sister's best friend since childhood gave her speech. it was emotional and all but then she made a joke about how I was the family screw up who finally managed to do something right by not messing up my bridesmaid duties. Everyone laughed but I didn't find it funny.

For context I’ve had a rough few years. I struggled with my mental health and dropped out of college for a while. I've since gotten my life back on track but it’s still a sensitive topic for me. Hearing that joke in front of all our family and friends wasn't funny at all. My sister's best friend and I never really got along but still I never expected something like this from her. Especially the day wasn't about me at all then why bring me up in the speech?

I tried to stay composed but I felt the tears coming so I quietly left the reception and went outside to collect myself. My sister followed me out and asked what was wrong. When I told her she said it was just a joke and she meant nothing bad. I tried to go back inside but I just couldn't and I ended up leaving the wedding early. My parents understand why I was upset but my sister is angry with me. I do feel terrible for leaving but I also feel like I had the right to feel hurt and humiliated.

Edit: I said nothing at the moment because I didn't want to cause a scene on my sister's special day. And I can't reason with her right now because she will just ask me if I haven't been taking my meds lately because that's what she does when she's angry with me so I'm giving her some time to maybe realize how her best friend's joke was out of line.

Edit 2: someone asked me if my sister's best friend and I argued before/did I give her a reason to do this. My sister's best friend and I never went past Hi. She told me before (few years ago) that she "in general" doesn't feel comfortable around someone struggling mentally because in her head God only knows what they're capable of. since she said this/to this day I just try to avoid her.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. The latest update is 7 days old due to the rules of this sub.

Trigger Warning: discussion of seizures; manipulative behavior; faking a medical diagnosis

Mood Spoiler: sad and confusing for OOP

Original : May 12, 2024

Hello reddit. Long time dweller, first time posting. Burning account for obvious reasons.

So I (22M) have been dating my girlfriend Susan (21F, not her real name) for a year now. Things have been great between us as we keep good communication.

I'm posting this a two days after her birthday, which is also the time where the incident happened. I'd like to say that I'm very romantic, and my girlfriend can vouch that for me, as for her birthday, I had planned a whole long-day schedule of her favorite activities, along with some extras I poked here and there, like taking her to the movies, going out to Red Lobster (despite me not enjoying sea food at all) and some more.

This is the part where my mother Claudia (42F, again, not a real name) comes into play. Due to medical issues, she's prone to having sudden epileptic attacks with no prior warning, so me and my step-dad Robert (52M, not a real name) have always been on the look out and wary of this, hence we are in contact at least once a day.

Now, my girlfriend is very well aware of this, and I've warned her since day one. This never bothered her, and she's been always supportive of me and my father (I've grown close to him and call him dad sometimes) , although my mom's attacks have gotten in the way if our hangouts once or twice before.

We were out at red lobster, and we were midway through our meal when I got a call. I picked up the phone since it was my step dad. I might be the asshole here, because I just dropped everything and took off running, as you all can expect, my mother had an attack and my dad told me to come over.

Though, by the time I arrived, my step dad told me that things were under control, and that it was just a scare because she suddenly felt dizzy, lightheaded and her head started to hurt.

I thought that'd be the end of it but it turned out to be a true attack, as she started to have a seizure in the living room and we had to rush her to the doctor.

It took a good 30 minutes for her to stabilize, and I called my girlfriend to let her know that mom was okay, and that if she wanted, we could resume our date.

She told me that she didn't want to anymore, and that I was an asshole for leaving her like that and ruining her special day, which she's told her friends, who've sent me messages telling me how much of an asshole I am.

So reddit, am I the asshole?

Relevant Comments:

Top comment: YTA. First of all - Does your mother have epileptic seizures without warning or does she get dizzy and lightheaded and get a headache and then have a seizure? More out of curiosity than anything, about the inconsistency.

Second of all - she's a grown woman with epilepsy. She doesn't need you to drop what you're doing and rush to her location when she has a seizure. She needs to get her seizures under control with the help of her doctor. If her husband is present, he can handle the aftermath  and getting her medical attention. Two people aren't required. You can still be involved and helpful, but surely when it's an important day and you're occupied, her husband can handle things.

Thirdly: you rushed out of your girlfriend's birthday dinner without telling her why or making sure she had cash or a ride home to go to tend to someone who did not really need your help. That's not prioritizing your mom's medical needs, that's blowing your girlfriend's needs out of the fucking water.

OOP: Thank you for your input in this.

She does without warning and very few times with warning, I can count in the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's given us some kind of warning about her episodes, this being the fourth time.

Her husband cannot lift anything due to a work related injury before meeting my mom, and not being mean, she leans a bit on the heavier side.

I didn't left my girlfriend completely blank, as I had given her money earlier as part of a birthday gift, money which I intend to pay back of course.

Though thank you. I appreciate that your letting me know my faults and what I did wrong.

Commenter: definite [define] "I just dropped everything and took off running" bc there is a big difference between answering the phone, not acknowledging gf and literally running away and answering the phone saying to gf "mom's having an attack" and running away. 

OOP: The earlier. I kind of just booked it, though it only dawned on me later. It's kind of a instinct that kicks in, to ensure she's okay

Commenter: then YTA it takes less than a second to inform a person you presumably love and respect that you have to leave. even just saying "sorry, mom" would have been enough to stay out of asshole territory. but you just running away was disrespectful af

OOP: I see. Thank you for your input, I do realize I lack a lot of communication.

Commenter (downvoted): NAH(?) - Did you leave and not say anything to the point that she might have been unsure why you left? Is there a specific reason you need to be there for every attack? Like are you needed? Is it case she didn't make it through this attack?

You say you gf said it was a special night. Was this specific date for something special?

Nm, read it was her birthday

Can you set things up with your step dad before hand to not call unless it's really an emergency?

Your gf might just want to feel like a priority sometimes and not always feel like coming in second.

OOP: I am needed in every case because my step father cannot carry my mother into his truck in case she does suffer one (like this case). Yeah it was her birthday.

Yeah, I've talked to my step father before and not to call me unless there's a true emergency, as such, in his worried spouse judgement, he assumed it to be a real case.

I hadn't see it that way. I'll need to talk to my girlfriend about that and if she does really feel like that. Thank you for your comment.

Commenter: What about calling an ambulance ? Or is this USA ?

OOP: I've asked my father about that before, why not the ambulance? He says he doesn't really know, it's just his first instinct to call me. USA indeed.

Commenter: Adults don't run out of the restaurant in the middle of dinner with no communication and leave their partner on their birthday with the bill. He didn't even say anything, he just ran out. Also, there was no medical emergency at the time and this is a known medical condition (which also makes it not a medical emergency). At some point OP is going to have to somewhat distance himself if he plans to have a family or a long-term relationship.

OOP: Just clarifying, I didn't leave her with the bill and no way to pay it, since I had given her some money beforehand as a birthday gift, and I intend to pay it back.

But thank you for this input, like another comment, it makes me realize I lack a bit of communication regarding this matter, but it's like a fight-or-flight response, I just need to make sure that my mother is okay.

That last part of your comment, about having to distance myself and decide between relationship and family really makes me think. Thank you.

OOP is voted YTA

Update : May 24, 2024 12 days later)

Hello again reddit.

A lot of stuff has happend the past days, and I don't even know where to start or where my head is at right now. It just feels surreal right now.

Many of you will be.. Displeased, to hear this, but me and my girlfriend are still together. Apologies to those who commented but didn't got a reply, I did read each and every comment, and took them the heart. Even the ones that came out rougher on the edges. It was eye opening, to say the least.

It made me realize a lot of stuff. The same day of the original post, I messaged my girlfriend to talk with her, she told me she was at her parent's house, so I went over and we had a talk. I apologized for leaving so abruptly without making sure she was okay, but that I didn't knew any better since that's what I was raised like and what I was taught. She said she understood and apologized for slandering me with her friends, but only wanted her opinion validated. Okay, no biggie.

I told her if she ever felt second in line whenever it came to my mother and she said yes. This was making me open my eyes more and more to the situation at hand, alike the comments were pointing out. I admit I cried a bit and my girlfriend held me and consoled me.

I went to sleep on it and next morning, I took my leave to go confront my parents, my girlfriend insisted in tagging along, but understood when I told her that this was something I had to do on my own.

I arrived at my parent's place, and my mom greeted me like nothing happened. She felt something was off when I didn't reply, and I told her to sit down and have a talk with me.

She looked really worried. I was blunt and outright asked if she was really sick, because the more I thought of it (more like, the more I recall the comments calling me out and her behavior) the more odd it looked. Did she really have seizures? If she has seizures, why does she has her husband call me instead of an ambulance? I pointed out how if those were real seizures, (like I've read online) she'd be either aggressive towards us or have no idea of who she is and where she is and why.

As a few redditors suspected, she doesn't have seizures. It just turned out to be a controlling movement on her side to keep me around and short leashed. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced, and it genuinely made me nauseous.

My whole life was built on a lie. You can tell the turmoil, anger, sadness, shock, disappointment, everything going down to me at once. And then,. Y step father walked in. I only asked him once if he was a part into this, and he couldn't look me in the eye.

Right then and there, I knew that I had no family anymore, so I left. On my way to work, I started getting bombarded with calls and texts from her, but I simply blocked her and ignored her.

So here's where I'm sitting at right now.

Comment:

Commenter: Why would people be displeased to know you’re still with your gf? I’m lost

OOP: If you read part one you'd understand, some comments were saying it was down to my girlfriend to leave me due to what I did.

(Editor's note: People were indeed... brutal in some of the comments.)

Some context:

I work as a manager in a call center. I am no where near the phones, and generally do not interact with customers. Rather I am a knowledge repository for my staff, and handle communication between our team and the client company which we provide support for. We are a technical support team, not a sales or order support, and the devices which we support are very complex consumer electronics. Most of our support time goes to professional installers, and we rarely speak to customers first hand. In short, my job is to know our policies like the back of my hand, and to know the products we support better than anyone except the designers that engineered them.

A secondary part of my job is to coordinate our online chat team, which is generally pretty hands off other than right as the shift ends when I generally jump in to monitor any active chats and make sure they close up quickly. I don't want to keep my guys here any longer than necessary. They like it better and it cuts down on Overtime hours for the entire line of business by a lot. This means I generally rack up 15-20 min of overtime a day, though some days it can be as little as 0 and others as much as an hour. My direct boss knows all about this and is generally all for it.

One day however, the guy who was in charge of all the support teams (we work with many brands) sent out a memo that management should never be getting overtime. I brought this up with my boss as this would seriously impact my team, who arranged a meeting with the big boss. Big Boss proceeds to tell my boss that no, I cannot rack up any overtime hours.

Fine. I get out at a reasonable time every day. I have zero issue with this.

So the next Monday, I log out right when my shift ends. Turns out 3 of my guys were there for an extra hour with last minute chats. Tuesday, nearly the same story. This continues all through the week. We are bleeding Overtime Hours for support staff, with most of my team getting nearly an hour of OT per day!!!

This goes on for a pay period when Big Boss comes back and tells us we were told to reduce OT hours and that we had somehow racked up even more than we had before. My Boss backed me up and told the Big Boss that no, we were told to reduce Management OT hours, and that I had indeed not racked up any overtime. Big Boss asks why OT hours increased and I mentioned I stayed to make sure my team had support they needed to get out as early as possible. Big Boss goes "Well that makes sense, keep doing that, but add any overtime to your Friday Lunch so you don't rack up overtime. I explain that I can do this, but will still probably get a bit of OT on Fridays since the end of the shift is obviously after lunch.

Again, cool. Long lunches are nice. This works well for a few weeks. I am making sure I zero out my OT. But I knew it was only a matter of time before they regretted doing any of this. We were approaching the busy season and getting more and more long chats and calls. I made sure to get Big Boss to email and CC me and my boss this instruction directly.

Sure enough, a few weeks later, Monday, I'm there for a whopping hour and 30 min trying to get one guy out the door. Tuesday for an hour, Wednesday for an hour 15, and to top it off, 2 whole hours on Thursday. It was a TERRIBLE week for the last minute chats. I tally up my make up time for my lunch. 5 hours and 45 minutes, plus an hour for my normal lunch.

I normally worked 4 hours, 1 hour lunch, then another 4 hours. So that Friday, I came in and explained the situation to my boss, he was cool with me working for only 2 hours and 15 min the whole day, because I was doing exactly what the big boss said to do. So an hour into my shift, I go on my 6 hour and 45 minute lunch.

While I'm enjoying my most of day siesta, the entire line of business is burning down. Chat is so busy we have people waiting 30 min to speak with someone. Calls are so busy we have 15 calls waiting. On days like this I normally jump in the queues as I do not need to document every case like our Tier 1s have to, and I'm very good at my job. I can usually knock out a 15-20 min call for a Tier 1 in 5 minutes or less. I can easily handle 4-5 chats at one time, seriously taking a load off that team.

Now I alone could not save this shift, no way. We were due for a hiring class, and were working on onboarding new tier 1s at the time. But, man does it look bad to the Client when one of your key players is absent all but 2 hours an 15 min of one of the busiest days ever for our LOB.

I get back in, settle down at my desk, right as the rush is clearing up. The damage was already done, and we were manageable for the rest of the day. Right at the end of my shift, I look and notice that there is no one on a chat, and no queue, so I immediately log out and thank my team for working hard that day.

Then Monday comes. I get to meet with the Client, Big Boss and my Boss for our weekly meeting. The Client is furious about how on Friday, one our best assets was on a super long lunch break, and Big Boss puts me on the spot and asks why that was. My response was rehearsed.

"According to Company policy established and agreed upon on (date we met with the Big Boss), I am not to accrue overtime hours. Any hours over 8 worked within the work week must be made up during my lunch break on Fridays."

Big Boss began denying it, when my boss stepped in, and was like, wait, I got an email about this. He pulls up the email Big Boss sent, and shares it on screen in the meeting.

Client is pissed, and the Corporate Rep begins ripping Big Boss a new one on the phone. After Ripping into Big Boss, the Corp Rep speaks to me, telling me to accrue as many hours as needed to make sure my job is done, and that if my company wants to retain this line of business, Big Boss is not to interfere with my generally very successful management without consulting them and myself.

Since then Big Boss has continued to try to interfere and change how I run my line, however every time so far, the Corporate Rep has had my back. They are extremely happy with my work, and know I do a great job. Heck, they even pushed through a large raise for me when Big Boss was blocking my Boss's attempts to get me more money.

TLDR: Big Boss told me not to get any overtime hours and to make up extra time on Friday lunch. Had a 6 hour 45 min Friday lunch. Client got pissed at Big Boss and has now given me considerably more freedom in how my team operates.

I (24f) walked out of a congratulatory make up party my parents were throwing for me after my sister (30f) announced she had miscarried. So the party name is probably confusing to some people so let me explain.

My whole life, I have been told that the day I was born was the worst day in our family because it was also the day my sister was diagnosed with cancer. This was mentioned many times when I was growing up and it always made me feel weird. My family hated celebrating my birthday and they would often ignore my actual birthday and choose a new date to celebrate me, normally it was a few weeks after my actual birthday. This was because the day held "no happy memories" for them.

During my 10th birthday party (not close to my actual birthday but another late celebration to make everyone happy) my parents and sister decided to announce that my sister's cancer had returned and she was undergoing more treatment. All celebration died and I had to send my friends home.

When I turned 16 my friends decided to throw me a party to celebrate me on my actual birthday (it was a Saturday that year). My best friends parents helped them organize it. My sister wasn't invited but decided to show up and started telling everyone she had another cancer scare three weeks before. My best friends parents tried to keep her occupied but she said she wanted to be there to celebrate me but all she did was share almost bad news.

When I graduated high school my sister announced her engagement had ended and she cried the whole time and my family decided to cancel the party they had booked for after, because my sister needed comfort.

I finally spoke to my parents a few months ago and told them how awful it made me feel to have these things happen, especially the ongoing reminder that the day I was born was the worst day of their lives. I asked them if they realized how shitty it feels to know your family can't find any happiness that you were born and that you're reminded of that your whole life. They apologized and said they felt so bad. They told me they would throw me a graduation party to congratulate me for my achievements. I also spoke to my sister but she was less receptive to considering my feelings.

Despite some reservations I went because my parents appeared to be trying to do better. But then my sister showed up and announced she'd had a miscarriage to everyone and the party died as the focus went to her. Her husband told me I should make non-family leave because my sister needed family around her.

So I left. Took people 2 hours to notice and when they did they were all asking what the hell I thought I was doing leaving like that and my sister cried down the phone to me that she thought I above everyone would support her. She asked how I could be so cold.

AITA?

I met my father in September of last year. I (16m) was 15 at the time, had recently lost my mom to cervical cancer and had found out that my grandparents and two of my aunts did not want to keep taking care of me. And instead of letting me go to my aunt out of state, they contacted the man who wanted nothing to do with me before and involved a social worker so I would need to go to him instead of the aunt I actually knew and who did want me.

Because a social worker was involved she made the effort to put me with my biological father over my aunt. I pleaded with her to let me live with my aunt and my aunt pleaded for this as well but we were denied. I was told a biological parent will always get custody over an aunt or uncle who has no legal rights to the child. Especially when my original guardians (my grandparents) sent me to my father instead. So in October, 3.5 weeks after I met him for the first time, I moved to another state to live with my father and his family.

For those who will tell me I was lied to or whatever, my father has admitted he knew about me but he was disgusted and embarrassed by his promiscuous ways in the past and for having pre-marital sex and he decided to start over. He said his wife was thankfully "very open-minded" and was happy for me to live with them and have a relationship with them despite my origins... which have fuck all to do with me.

My father and his wife are very religious. I'm not. I was raised by an atheist mom, had a mostly atheist family and I have no interest in joining or taking part in anything religious. This is a serious point of contention with my father and his family who try taking me to church and try to set it up so I will join their church and get baptized. I have refused. I have also said I want to live with my aunt. But that gets denied. I do talk to her via dms and video calls but it's not the same. She did try to petition for custody but the different states thing added complications, especially when a social worker is still actively involved.

Things got way more tense recently because two of my father's other kids were questioning me on why I don't pray and stuff like that and I told them I didn't believe, they tried to get me involved with their church stuff and I said no. They got upset and tried to do all this converting stuff and they're only middle schoolers for fuck sake. My father tried telling me I shouldn't shoot it down so quickly and he told me to give it a try and I said no. Then his wife decided to get her say and she told me I should be grateful for a chance to be saved and I'm being very stubborn and should show them respect as my parents to let them guide me into religion. I told her they are not my parents, they are randos I'm forced to live with and I will never take part in their religion ever and they need to accept that because I don't believe in God or anything. They didn't like my "closed mindedness" and they were pissed I spoke to them "with such finality".

AITA?

AITA for not wanting to care for my siblings

I (20f) have a sister (16f) and two half siblings from our mom’s new marriage (3m) and an infant sister. My mom insists on my help with the youngest siblings, constantly, without notice. She wants me to babysit, or feed them, or give them baths. Most of the time it’s fine, but sometimes it’s overboard. For context in my reactions: I have autism, high functioning/ Asperger’s.

The situation: Today she asked me to give them baths, I did. It was hard because of my sensory issues and the fact they were both screaming bloody murder in my ear over wanting my mom to give them baths instead. It was okay though, I pushed through, got them dressed through the screaming. Then I left them in the living room with her and started to go back to my room. She asked if I could hold the baby a little longer. I did, but she was screaming and crying still, so it was hard. The only time she’d calm down was if my mom held her, and she didn’t want to because she was getting ready to leave for an AA meeting. At this point I was extremely overstimulated. I was standing sort of rigid, but still holding the baby acceptably, I thought. She began to yell at me, saying I wasn’t holding her with the right body language, and if I held her “like I cared about her” she wouldn’t cry. I told her she’s probably crying because she wants to be held by her mom, separation anxiety, because no matter how much I coddled her before, she still cried. This is a consistent thing that’s happened since my sister started going to daycare. Maybe I am a bit rigid after being screamed at, but still I don’t feel like my body language was the issue. My mom eventually got fed up and told me to put her in the feeding chair, so I did and started to walk back to my room. She then started to rant on about how she still needs my help with watching them longer and how I don’t care about my brother and sister. She said she shouldn’t have to ask for help. It didn’t even occur to me that it was assumed for me to stick around and watch them because their father is home. All she asked was that I give them a bath, then hold the baby, and I did that. This escalated into an argument in which I told her that her children aren’t my responsibility, especially not at 20 years old, and while I don’t have a problem helping out sometimes, I’m not her employee and both can’t (because of autism) and won’t (because I wouldn’t want to if I could) predict what she wants from me in order to wait on her hand and foot.

I do live at home for free, so it could be entitled of me to be so averse to helping her with them. I do other things, I’m the only one in the house who cleans regularly (every other day) and that’s easy for me as it doesn’t involve any crazy variables & never changes. But I do not want to help with my siblings the amount she wants.

I 38 (F) have a 15 year old son who is going to be a sophomore after this school year is over. I gave birth to my son when I was 23 years of age. Unfortunately my son’s dad left when he was 5 and never came back. I have not heard from his dad in years. Recently my son has been getting trouble. Quite frankly I am at my wits end. I’m at a loss. My son made new friends that have been nothing but trouble. My son and his friends have shoplifted from stores, skipped school, and has been a smart ass. May 9th, my son bullied a girl who lost her hair. She is going through chemo. The girl was sitting in her seat and my son decided to rip her scarf off. Him and his friends said very mean things to her. The poor girl was already getting bullied and my son exacerbated it. She was humiliated. I was called to the school. They brought my son, and the girl to the office. I arrived there shortly after they called me. The teacher and principal explained the situation. The mother of the girl he bullied was at the school as well. I asked the mother for her number. I gave her my number. I told her that if she needed anything to not hesitate to ask. My son was given two days of ISS for bullying. My son and I got home and I was furious. I lost my mind. I went into his room and took every electronic. I took his PS5, his MacBook, his iPhone 13. I took his name brand shoes, his name brand jackets, his Hollister jeans and his Nike shirts. I grounded him indefinitely. Three days later I sold his electronics at a very marked down price. I got I bought my son Walmart clothes and goodwill shoes. He will not bully someone and get away with it. I gave the money to the mother so she could buy her daughter a wig. The only thing my son has in his room, is his bed, drawers, mirror, and his shelf of books. I even confiscated his art supplies. My son is not allowed to leave the house at all during the summer! He is also not allowed to hang out with his friends either. He is never allowed to speak to them again! My family on my mother’s side are not talking to me because of this. I know that it’s been two weeks. I just feel like there was a possibility that I was too harsh. AITAH?

My parents are insane. Alot has happened so bare with me.

The day after my post I got a call for the man I the opportunity with, he sounded pissed. He asked if I was a minor. But first I asked how he got my number. He told me he got a call from my parents saying that I am a minor and as their guardian they will not allow me to play in the orchestra. As a side note. I am 20F, but due to genetics I look like around 16-17.

I told him I am not a minor but he seemed to believe my parents over me and he sent me a screenshot of my birth certificate... Those crazy people gave them a fake certificate that made it look like I was 16. He said due to no minors being allowed in the orchestra, my seat will be removed only if I can verify if I am not a minor.

I tried to convince him with my ID but he said that my parents told him I would show them a fake ID and I will be getting removed from the orchestra and he hung up.

Me. In tears, told my grandparents and they were not happy. Especially my grandmother. Another side note, my grandmother's mother was a cello player, but due to a accident she died when she was 29. So to find out I couldn't play my instrument anymore in this orchestra she was beyond to the point SHE ACTUALLY DRIVED. My grandmother rarely drives.

After the drive my grandmother had a screaming match with both my parents while my grandfather went to the place of the orchestra to get me verified for my seat again. I was a mess the whole way. We managed after 3 hours to get me verified but by then when we got back my grandmother was chewing out my dad and mom while they sat quietly.

The next day was the most satisfying thing I've ever felt

I found out my parents will be taking me out their will. The will that my GRANDPARENTS practically control since my grandparents pay half their bills. A couple minutes after. My grandparents called them and them that if they take me out their will, they will remove my dad out their will and give all the assets to me including the will they will already planning to give me, which was already a lump some of money and some rent houses they own.

My parents are trying to hold their ground, but a couple hours later they said they will also not be paying the bills they have been paying.

Then finally after those two threats. They are still trying to hold their ground. My grandparents have two other children, both daughters and older than my father, so I'm not surprised if they instead give them the assets instead of me.

My father called my two hours ago and called me a failure to my family and their church. Personally I thought that would hurt. But I didn't feel much. More like?... Relief! I felt so RELIEVED! I never felt this way before and I might actually ask them to disown me. I'm sick and tired of their trash and how many things I have done for that church and STILL be underpaid!

Hopefully this will be my last update but ask questions in the comments and I may answer. I just want to get this behind me.

Pretty self-explanatory opinion, but I generally believe people just get too comfortable and get “bored” and stop putting effort in. Every relationship is going to feel boring sometimes, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. I just don’t think people fight for things enough. I think a lot of people give up way too easily and it sucks.

(All that said, obviously you shouldn’t stay with someone is abusive or mistreats you. That is different.)

Edit: Thank you to the ones who actually got what I was trying to say and aren’t over here assuming things about the life of a stranger that they’ve never met. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ Like y’all, I literally typed up a generalized opinion in a minute and a half it is NOT that serious. I encourage you all to look up the word “opinion.”

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Inconclusive

2 updates -Medium

- 20th February 2024

- 1st March 2024

- 30th May 2024

AITA for yelling at my SIL at my wedding and telling her no one cares that she is pregnant

TLDR: I yelled at my SIL at my wedding that no one cares that she is pregnant after she repeatedly trued to take the attention off of my husband and I.

My husband (30 m) and I (26f) got married during covid. We couldn’t have a big ceremony because of restrictions, and unfortunately my family couldn’t be present as they live in a different country. With restrictions finally lifted, we decided to have a more traditional ceremony in my home country with my family. My husband’s family came, his parents, some friends, cousins and his sister (32 f, we’ll call her Sara) and her husband (28 m, we’ll call him Matt).

Sara and Matt live on the other side of the US than the rest of the family. They had their wedding a couple of months back in their home state, and ever since then when we have a conversation, even without our wedding coming up, Sara would say that she and Matt are planning to get pregnant on the trip for my husband and I’s wedding. No big deal, I just made sure to tell her that she needs to ovulate for that to happen, but other than that I could not care less. What started to get annoying, is when we were talking about all the activities/ excursions people wanted to do so could go ahead and book it, Sara would always say “Make sure there’s is enough time for Matt and I at the hotel so we can get busy making our baby.” Again, kind of gross, a little annoying, but whatever, they are grown ups.

About a week before we all leave to go to my home country, Sara and Matt arrive in our home state to spend time with family as they rarely see them. My husband and I, his parents, and my husband’s brother and sister in law are sitting chatting, when Sara blurts out she is pregnant. We all get really excited, congratulate them and saying how happy we are. We start asking some questions, and Sarah says she is 2 weeks pregnant. Everyone kind of loses a little bit of excitement and say wow, that’s really early, we suggest to wait before telling other people, just as a lot can happen. People usually dont even know they are pregnant until at least 6 weeks, and even then they are encouraged to wait until after the first trimester to tell people. My BIL and SIL were very happy and excited for them, but cautioned them even more as they have experienced multiple miscarriages before having their first child.

Matt replied by saying they are only telling the people closest to them, eg his parents, her parents and her siblings, no one else since it is so early. Well the next day, Sara had called her great uncle and his wife over for drinks and decided to tell them too, called her one aunt and uncle and told them, and by the end of the day basically the entire extended family knew, as well as some of her mom’s friends which stopped by the house and Sara told. With each person Sara told Matt got more agitated, as they had agreed to only tell a select few people. Matt finally gave up and asked her why she doesn’t just post it on Facebook as it will be quicker, to which she replied, she wants to, but she think it will be frowned upon.

My husband came to me and said it feels like she is trying to draw the attention away from us and our wedding, as she is known to do anything and everything to have the spotlight on her. I said to not worry about it, as when we are in my home country, she isn’t going to know many people so she wont say anything.

He agreed, but went to his parents and told them what he was feeling, and asked if they could politely suggest that she keep it to herself when we left for the trip. They agreed that it was valid for him to feel that way, as they know she hates it if the focus is not on her.

Anyway, we leave for the wedding and I see my mom for the 2nd time in 5 years. Obviously it was a very emotional reunion, but we wiped off our tears quickly and sat down for a meal with my husband’s family. After I introduced her to everyone, the waiter take our order and the first thing Sara says to my mom is, your daughter probably already told you, but I won’t be drinking this trip. My mom says that its no problem, you dont have to drink to have fun, and that Sara will still have fun, even if she chooses not to drink. Sara interrupts my mom to tell her its not by choice that she is not drinking, but that she is pregnant. (Keep in mind this is 10 minutes after she met my mom) my mom says congratulations and keeps on with another conversation. Sara intterupts my mom again and tells her how she is 2 weeks pregnant and just so excited. My mom ( who is in medicine) then tells Sara the same thing we did, that she should probably wait until she is in her second trimester to tell people, and Sara completely ignores her.

The same thing happens with my aunt, cousins, uncles, sister and grandparents, all of whom she had never met before.

My husband yet again speaks to his parents and ask them to please tell her to keep it private because it feels as though she is purposefully trying to take the attention away from our wedding. They say they will talk to her. Matt actually comes up to us and apologizes, by saying he agrees that it has gotten out of hand and that the number of people that know is way more than the number they agreed upon.

Fast forward, we are sitting eating while we wait for one of our excursions. A family that I lived with for 3 when I first moved to my husband’s country flew out for the wedding and met up with us for lunch. They have never met my SIL. The wife and I are talking about the wedding and all the arrangements, while my SIL sits across from us and listens to the conversation. My husband orders some shots for everyone at the table, when his mom says she doesn’t want one so he tells the server minus 1. My SIL hears him ordering the shots and goes off yelling across the table. “ I can’t drink alcohol!! You know I cant drink a shot! Why would you order me one?!”

Everyone kind of stops and looks at her for a sec, before my husband says its not a problem as Matt said he wants 2. Everyone then continues their conversation including the wife and I. My SIL interrupts me and continues to make a big fuss over how my husband ordered her alcohol when he knows she’s not drinking. The wife then says its ok because Matt said he’ll drink it so its not going to waste. My SIL then says again how annoying it is that my husband ordered her a shot and I say to not worry about because I’ll just drink it if Matt doesn’t want it. She keeps doing this till I finally tell the wife, she’s not drinking because she is pregnant. The wife says congratulations and ask how far she is and then also tells her to be careful of telling too many people.

This situation happens about 3 more times in the week leading up to the wedding. Now this is why I might be the AH. The last time it happened she was telling my HS friends at the wedding how sick she has been, but no one asked why she was sick, they were just empathetic and saying they hope she feels better. They came over to me to talk to me and she followed again complaining about how sick she has been and kind of pushing them to ask why she has been feeling so sick, when I finally said, “ Sara, are you fucking kidding me?! No one gives a shit that you are pregnant, they don’t even know you.” Sara ran off crying and my MIL heard me say that and told my FIL who screamed at my husband saying how we hurt Sara’s feelings and how she is just excited.

My husband doesn’t think I did anything wrong, and my HS friends think I was fine too, because they know the backstory. My mom and some of my husband’s family think I was the Asshole.

So AITA for telling my SIL that no one cares that she is pregnant.

Comments

the805chickenlady

sarah doesn't sound mature enough to have a child.

GnomesinBlankets

I’m having a hard time believing there even will be a child

Debsha

Hey, I had a SIL who had a miscarriage every month. After the second or third one (I forgot which) I said to my mother, “oh so she got her period, big whoops”. Seriously, she would call my mother and tell her she was x number of days pregnant (not even weeks) and this was back before home tests (back in the mid 70’s).

ACanWontAttitude

2 weeks pregnant doesn't exist. If she's used the clear blue test that says 2 weeks, it actually means she's 4 weeks.

Your weeks of pregnancy are dated from the first day of your last period. This means that in the first 2 weeks or so, you are not actually pregnant – your body is preparing for ovulation (releasing an egg from one of your ovaries) as usual.

OOP: She said she knows when she got pregnant, it was their anniversary from when they started dating, and then she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive 2 weeks after their anniversary. She could also apparently ’feel when the implant of the egg happened’

Update - 9 days later

My husband and i finally had our honeymoon and we were unreachable during our holiday because we were out of the country. Our whole family knew this before we left and we told them the only way to reach us in emergency was to call the hotel. We knew Sara was going in for her appointment while we were away and we told her we would call her as soon as we got back home.

My husband and I was out one day for the whole day from the hotel doing activities, and when we got back we found a note on our room to say we have to go to reception. Once we got to reception, the person told us we had 7 missed calls from family and gave us a number to call. We didn’t know who called or what about, but we thought it was an emergency. We called the number and it was Matt. He was very confused and asked why we were calling him on our honeymoon and asked if we were ok? We said that the hotel said this number called 7 times and asked him if everything was ok, matt said everything was fine but Sara wanted to talk to us.

Matt called Sara over and she asked us how we were having fun etc, but we just wanted to know what was going on because we were so worried. Sara said she went to the doctor and got some news, we asked her if everything was ok, because she kept not saying anything and we could hear her and Matt whisper to each other. We heard Matt say to her “did you seriously call the hotel 7 times to tell them this? It could have waited.” Sara finally gets back on the phone and said that the doctor said she was going to have twins!! We said congratulations and asked if there was anything else? We thought it was an emergency. She said no she just wanted to share the news because she is so excited and scared and she couldn’t hold it in. She said she also called my mom, and told her (thay are friends on social media) .

My husband and I both just said we were very happy for them but really didn’t want to be bothered again if it was not an emergency. Sara said we were being very rude and she just wanted to share the good news. We hung up because we had to get ready for dinner.

When we got back into the US, my inlaws picked us up from the airport and were asking us if we spoke to Sara. We said yes she said she was having twins and we were very excited for them. My FIL then said Sara told them we were extremely rude to her and Matt and we were dismissive and hung up the phone. We told them what really happened and they said that is not what Sara has told the whole family.

We are now back in our house and haven’t spoken to Sara or Matt but matt texted us both but the text only cane through later where he said he was so sorry that they bothered us on our vacation and he felt horrible. We just texted back and said all good, and that we were very excited for both of them.

All i can say about this whole situation is that i am very happy that we live on the other side of the country from Sara.

Comments

Bitter_Animator2514

That is going to be the worlds longest pregnancy Congratulations on the wedding

OOP: I spoke to my MIL today and like everyone said, Sara didn’t calculate her time right. She is actually about 8-9 weeks pregnant according to my MIL. Sara is also having twins that were 2 eggs and 2 sperms( not sure the medical name) and each has their own sack.

bobbleheadjoe_

Did your brother go with her to the doctor? Did he see the ultrasound?

For some reason women who fake pregnancies often claim they’re having twins. Now that isn’t a super likely scenario, but this woman sounds pathologically desperate for attention.

I probably have watched too many Dr Phil episodes on women who fake pregnancies, but I’d reverse image search any ultrasound pictures she sends/posts.

OOP: I think Matt went with yes, when we got back to the US she sent us a picture of the ultrasound, im not a doctor or in the medical field at all but it looked like two babies to me.

Update - 3 months later

Hi everyone, sorry for the long wait on the update, I have been really busy with my work.

Sara is still pregnant, due at the end of August, with 2 babies, one boy and one girl.

My husband (Sara's brother) and I have started to try and have a family of our own, no success yet, but we are not worried, it only 2 months. When we we're in my country, we were buying artwork and small furnitures from my country to put in the nursery of our future baby to have my culture too. Sara and her husband bought some things too for their house and because she was pregnant for the baby. My mom was on the town with Sara one day when we did a trip they didnt want to do and bought some things for us, and told Sara its for the nursery for our future baby. When Sara heard what our idea for our nursery was with my culture, she decided she wanted her nursery to be like that, and bought almost everything we bought. We dint say anything because we thought she was just buying for her house and for friends, souvenirs etc.

Some time passed after everything happened at the wedding and the honeymoon, and Sara called me to see if I can go to a store where we live and look at some baby things for her, because they dont have that store. I said yes and spend almost 2 hours with her on the videocall showing her things, taking pictures, and saying we can get it and mail to her if she needs anything, so we were on good terms.

then a week ago she posted on ig her nursery in progress and it was exactly what I said I wanted. The theme isnt something very common, but its my culture. Think like dragons for China, or Geisha for Japan. Very big part of the culture, but not usually a baby theme. I saw it and got mad, showed it to my husband and he was mad too, but said lets just give it a few days, and then talk about it again, and then we can decide what to do. I said ok.

Sara calls us a couple of days later to tell us the names she decided for her babies, and the boy name is very sweet, a mixture of a family name on Matt and Sara's family. The girl name is where the problem is. Her first name is very pretty, we love it, but her middle name is my husband's name that we said we wanted to use if we had a son. its not a girl/boy name like Taylor, its a boy name like Johnathan (not the rael name). My husband said thats his name and she knew we wanted to use it. she said its also their uncle's name, and thats who its after. My husband kept saying but its his first name, and its boys name and we are still going to use the name if we have a son. This is where Sara loses her mind. she gets so mad and starts yelling that cousins cannot have the same name and she chose it first, and my husband just says ITS MY NAME. Finally Sara just hangs up after she said she thought my husband would be happy that she is nameing the baby the same name as him.

Again we give it a couple of days and then I had a talk with my husband and said I am still very upset about the theme and it feels like Sara always gets what she wants, no matter what other people think, feel or are affected. I told him its like the camels back broke from all the straw, over the last years. I told him I was going to call Sara and tell her how i feel and just talk about it. he said ok, but told me to wait one more day so I am not very angry when I call. I called my mom and told her what i told my husband, and she was furious. She pointed out that Sara also showed me and my husband things she thought would look good in our nursery with the theme we said we wanted, so she knew exactly what we wanted to do. I took a couple of hours to get my brain ready and called Sara to talk to her about it.

When I was talking to Sara, I made sure to tell her that the nursery wasn't the main issue, that it was just the last thing I could take. I told her it feels like everything is always about her, and how she wants it and screw everybody else. I said its almost 4 years of that, and the nursery was the last straw. I made it a point to talk to her nicely, not raise my voice and use kind words. SHE WENT OFF. She said a nursery theme isnt something you can own, and that I actually copied her. I told her its my culture so i dont know how that works. She called me such bad names and cursed me out, and i told her if she doesnt stop, i was going to hang up. She kept saying nasty things, and i told her again, and dshe kept going, so i hungup after i told her to lose my number and not contact me ever again. I havent had any other contact from her, and my husband either. It feels like a weight of my shoulders. I wish her the best but she cannot be a part of my life if she is acting like this. i also removed her from all socials.

So thats that, Sara and me are done. my husband is low contact, only if she calls/ messages him, which is never. Her parents are shocked at me, but i said im done. Her mom asked if I am going to tell Sara when I get pregnant, and I said no, she is welcome to tell her, and my husband can tell her if she wants, but I am not speaking to Sara again. Sara had her shower, and I sent 2 outfits for the babies, because I brought them before the phone call, and she texted in a group chat to say thank you and I just liked the message. I told my husband that if I am home, Sara is not welcome in my house.

Thats probably the last update from me. I dont think anything else will happen now that I am no contact. if anything, i will just comment on this post. I am not super active on reddit, so I am sorry if I dont reply. Thank you all for the support and messages. you made me realise that I am not the crazy one. you are the best!!

Comments

EyeRollingNow

I kept waiting for the update.…. Then I got to the end.

equimot

Just wait til August when it all comes out that sara was never pregnant and has been faking it the whole time

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

If I put it this way, what part of your day are you not on a computer or your phone or a tv? For me, I think it's only really when I'm literally in a shower or fucking or getting dressed.... As often as I'm naked, really.

I can't remember when exactly it changed, but, a couple times in the last year I noticed it after my phone broke and I had no access for a few days so then I went around in circles no longer sure what to do with myself.

I went to listen to music but without Spotify or YouTube I couldn't.

I worried about the plans I had made that I couldn't fulfill because we weren't able to text each other where to meet.

Every two weeks at work my computer software prompts me with a 2-step auth text to my phone, so first thing I did was check in with supervisors saying if that happened today I wouldn't be able to authenticate and they informed me they wouldn't even be able to do anything about that because it was a Microsoft auth that was in another department that's not very responsive.

I couldn't order food and that's how I get groceries. I couldn't cab anywhere because that's a phone app. Even if I drove a car forget about parking it anywhere in a city you need an app for that now.

Today I happened to text chat with a family member and they were bragging how they were "disconnecting" but I was like.... Wait, we've been texting for a couple hours now tho?

When I really think about it, the only times I'm not at a screen is when I'm actively getting ready to do something, or those rare occasions when I'm hanging out with someone I'm not especially close with.....

What do you do when you're not on a screen, and how often does that account for your waking hours?

I know the title is stupid but it's accurate.

I had a FWB Lisa. I caught feelings and asked her if we could be more. She said that I was a nice guy and she enjoyed the sex but she couldn't really imagine a relationship with me because I was a manwhore. She said we should just go back to being friends.

So we did. She dated a bunch of other guys and I met a few women I liked. We stayed friends and I never pushed for more. Not even going back to how it was.

I started dating my fiancee, Laura, a few years ago and she became friends with Lisa. She knows about our past relationship and she is okay with it as long as I respect her boundaries. Which I always have and will.

We got engaged last weekend. No wedding plans yet but she is the one.

Lisa called me yesterday and asked me if I got engaged. I told her yes. She asked me why I would do that since she was waiting for me to break up with Laura so we could try again now that I have proven I can be in a relationship.

I told her that we couldn't be friends any more and immediately told Laura what happened. She told me I shouldn't, not couldn't, hang around with Lisa any more. I told her that I already said we couldn't be friends.

A few of our friends from college have told me I'm a dick for cutting Lisa out since I knew she always had a thing for me. I said that nobody informed me that I was her backup plan. I would not have been interested if I had known. I am no one's second choice.

Lisa did ask me to have a coffee with her to talk. I went after I told Laura what I was up to. Lisa said that I was an asshole for not telling her that I was serious about Laura and that I was planning on getting engaged. She was waiting for me to tell her so she could tell me that she was ready for me now. WHAT? She said she didn't realize how serious we were since Laura and I don't live together yet.

We both live with our parents to save money for life. My folks are semi retired and spend nine months of the year away on vacations. Laura's parents are happy to have her there to help with her younger siblings.

I onow I made the right decision cutting her off but I'm wondering how the eff I was supposed to know. I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready I might have considered it. Laura and I were dating but not serious. How is it my fault if she never informed me?

I am not OP. That is who posted to relationship_advice

TW: sexual assault, verbal abuse

May 22nd, 2024

We were in bed last night and I was almost asleep when he started having sex with me. I was pretty un-aroused and tired so didn’t really react or make any sound. I don’t have a problem having sex late at night and don’t require verbal asking of permission, it just started feeling really odd after the two minute mark when he was still going and I hadn’t made a single sound.

Sort of dissociated thinking how weird it was and eventually just told him to stop and went to the bathroom. I’m not a man obviously but I feel like I probably wouldn’t be into having sex with someone that wasn’t into it or remotely receptive.

Is this common with men? I explained that it felt weird when I came back to bed and he said “oh, sorry”.

How do i go about dealing with this? It seems so bizarre.

edit: i was in therapy a few months ago after having a series of panic attacks during sex because I got triggered by something and couldn’t bring myself to say no for some reason. he knows about this so it feels somewhat relevant that he kept going anyway without stopping to ask if i was okay

editing again to say i made it crystal clear i was unhappy with what happened before i left the bedroom, and wasn’t remotely happy about it. my parting words were — that was weird. i’m a human being not a fucking fleshlight. what the fuck was that?”

Added Comments

Commenter

I usually just lurk but I’ve had this happen in two previous relationships, both long term partners.

The first began when I was really inexperienced and didn’t know whether it was normal or not… that relationship was abusive in a lot of ways (controlling/manipulation/emotional) and had a really unhealthy power dynamic. I didn’t realise until very late and left the relationship. He ticked all the narc boxes. Not sure if this feels familiar at all but he would literally start whilst I was asleep…

The second was similar although not abusive… or at least I wouldn’t call it that anyway. He also seemed to think consent was granted… I was in kind of a dark place though and probably rebounded with him. I did actually explain to him that I felt really uncomfortable with him just having sex with me whilst I was semi asleep or just not into it and that it felt non consensual. He later tried to pressure me into other things I wasn’t comfortable with and I ended the relationship for various reasons - that being one. Again, he wasn’t the nicest guy and I feel like that might be a pattern tbh.

I just wanted to say I’ve had this same thing with two guys, and you’re feeling that this is not okay is totally valid. Talk to him about it… but also maybe spend some time thinking about the rest of the relationship - do you feel taken for granted in other ways? How does he treat you otherwise?

OP

lol i’ve been saying for a while i feel taken for granted and unappreciated. didn’t even get me a card for mother’s day.

Commenter

Hmmm sounds like this might be more than just a sex problem… sorry you’re going through this! I’m not sure they mean to treat us like an object but that’s kind of exactly how it is. It’s as if they just think you’re there no matter what.

OP

holy fuck i was literally thinking this WORD FOR WORD when i opened your comment.

May 23rd, 2024

original post —

so he came home and said he wanted to find a way to resolve the situation. i asked him what the situation was and he said he didn’t know (common theme).

i explained, frustratedly, that i’ve felt for months that i’m putting more into the relationship than him and only receiving the bare minimum. he cut me off multiple times nitpicking random points then eventually started raising his voice like always. i told him not to and he stormed out of the room.

eventually stormed back in and said it was bullshit and that it’s “pretty fucking rich” to be saying he’s doing the bare minimum (didn’t get me a mother’s day card. didn’t comfort me when i was upset the other day. i’ve been asking for small gestures like picking a flower off a tree on his way home for months. still haven’t got one).

in response, i said it feels a bit rich to be so defensive and focusing on one specific detail of a point i’d barely started making when i’ve been searching for support on reddit all day while a bunch of strangers dissect whether i got raped or not.

he just lost his mind and started yelling at me about how i can go on reddit with my little keyboard warriors and he doesn’t give a fuck because i said he does the bare minimum. then he slammed the door and turned all the lights off outside so i guess he’s sleeping on the couch?

———

• UPDATE * — he just got home. gave me flowers he’d picked off a tree and said he was sorry for the way he dealt with his anger. we don’t have time to talk rn because the kids are destroying the house so i guess ill post another update when they’re asleep and we’ve spoken?

• i’m not stupid though. some flowers and a one second apology are the bare minimum.

———

• UPDATE 2 * — kids went to bed. he sat on the couch watching youtube videos for three hours and didn’t say a word to me. then he came into the bedroom and said “i’m going to bed”

• i told him i’m done planning the vow renewal ceremony i’ve been planning entirely by myself for months (that HE wanted) and if he cares so much he can do it all himself (he won’t. he can’t). then i left the room and he closed the door and went to bed. that’s it. no surprises. just the bare fucking minimum.

———

• final update * — i feel like a blindfolds been ripped off my eyes and im suddenly seeing all these details of prior events and im just reeling. like one time i think he might actually have semi raped me when he had complete emotional leverage over me and knew it and i felt i literally couldn’t say no and he came inside me without asking and i just burst into tears afterwards. ended up with a chemical pregnancy and it was awful. like i could go on and on and on im fkn shellshocked rn.

• someone on here sent me a link to an ebook about abuse and there were so many things in it describing his behaviour and i just feel like a fucking idiot. the time he pinned me to the floor by my shoulders and screamed in my face while our baby was watching. the time he called me a fat bitch postpartum. the time i found out while pregnant that he’d cheated on me prior and multiple times. i could just go on.

• i’ll probably be deleting my account in the morning i just can’t take anymore. thanks for the advice. don’t be a fucking idiot like me.

Added Comments

Commenter

Whatever you do, if you're staying 'for the kids' DON'T! Get that out of your head. Your kids will grow up seeing the way dad treats mom and think that's okay. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that way? That that's how marriage and 'love' should be?

OP

lol i left him a couple of years ago and took the kids with me. suddenly feeling strangely similar to how life was before that happened.

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts