I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

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Thank you to for this suggestion to the BoRU

Editor’s Note: the texts were saved before the final two posts were removed

[New Update]: Male boss is clueless about pregnancy

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH -----

Trigger Warnings: harassment, misogyny, sexism, hostile workplace

- May 2, 2024

OMG this just now happened at work.

My boss is male. I have a male coworker in the next cube whose wife is pregnant, and is due within the next few weeks. Boss is trying to make coverage plans for this guy to be out of the office when the baby happens.

The boss literally tried to write the guy up because he "wouldn't" tell him exactly what day the delivery would happen.

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't hear it with my own ears!

Top Comments

bulldog_blues: I... what... how?!

Has this guy literally never interacted with someone who's pregnant or the partner of someone who's pregnant before? In his entire life?

It doesn't bode well for how he'd treat any other unpredictable circumstance either.

- May 2, 2024 (same day, 2 hours later)

Holy shit. The idiot dude just did it again.

He finally got it into his head why my coworker can't name the specific date when his wife will go into labor.

Now he's trying to save face by being sympathetic with Mr. Father-to-Be.

Our office breakroom has a private "mother's room" where women can go pump if they need to.

Mr. Boss dude said to the father dude, literally, that he was sorry there wasn't an equivalent father's room. The dude legit thought that the mother's room was for an exhausted new mom to go nap. That one just earned him a march into his (female) boss' office. I'd love to be a fly on that wall.

Top Comments

ioantha: I realize that not all sex education is created equal, but damn.

Does Boss have kids? A female spouse? Does someone need to buy her a drink and see if she's okay?

OOP: He had an ex-girlfriend. Probably a reason for the "ex".

- May 3, 2024 (1 day later)

So, several of you asked for further updates about my idiot boss who, in the space of one hour yesterday revealed that he:

thought that pregnant women could predict the exact date their delivery would happen...

revealed his belief that our office's Mother's Room was for napping, not pumping

After #2 was revealed, he was immediately called into the (female) grandboss' office so she could set the record straight. Their meeting took about ten minutes, and then he came back into our work area.

Guys. It got so much worse from there. I had to delay posting this update until I found out what the final result would be.

He starts by admitting to everybody there (mostly male, I and one other person in the room were female) that he had misunderstood the purpose of the mother's room. OK, so far so good.

Then he took out his metaphorical shovel and started digging his hole even deeper. Turns out he also misunderstood the concept of lactation. The dude literally thought that all women are always lactating, all the time. As in: the breasts come in, the milk comes out, regardless of any woman's pregnancy or birthing status.

And then. Oh. My. God. The dude literally POINTS TO MY CHEST and says, "I mean, look at hers! Hers are really big, she should be in that room all the time but she's not!"

One of the men in the room immediately gives him a forceful "shut up!" I follow up with a spontaneous performance of four-letter beat poetry that would melt my phone if I tried to type it out.

One of my coworkers immediately went out to fetch the grandboss again. She got back into the room and escorted him out. We didn't see him the rest of the day.

I got to the office this morning and saw his personal items boxed up on his desk. Grandboss has already informed me that my now-ex boss will be coming to collect his items later today, and she gave me the opportunity to be elsewhere when he arrives.

Nope. I'm going to be here to watch him get fired. This will be glorious.

Relevant/Top Comments

OOP on her company’s policies on if an incident happens at the workplace

OOP: Thanks for the very necessary response.

I should add that my company has a "three strikes" policy when it comes to sexual harassment (only one strike if there's physical contact, which there wasn't in this case). I learned from grandboss that this was his third strike.

I don't know the details of the first two incidents, but he'd displayed a pattern of this behavior before.

Redgrapefruitrage: Just wow!

I spit out my coffee when I read that he thought women lactated 24/7.

Then....to point at your chest!

He didn't just dig a hole. He jumped into the hole and buried himself alive.

queen-of-support: OMFG! He is so clueless. How does he walk and breathe at the same time?

- May 3, 2024 (same day, 4 hours later)

He came through just now to collect his box of stuff. He was escorted into our office by grandboss and our building's security guard. I was looking straight at him all the way through, trying to gauge his state of mind.

He looked appropriately humiliated. At one point he locked eyes with me, noticed my shit-eating grin, and looked like he was about to say something.

Mr. Male Coworker in the next cube (the one with the pregnant wife, whose interaction yesterday started this whole thing) had a video queued up on his desktop. At that exact moment he hit "play".

It's an eight-second clip of my hero George Takei, who said to this guy.

He slumped, defeated, and slithered out of the building with his escort. Once he left the room, all of us just burst out laughing.

It's going to be a great weekend.

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 24, 2024

A few weeks ago I started that thread that took off -- about my (now-ex) boss who used his ignorance of female anatomy to commit sexual harassment, and got fired for it.

The whole adventure started because he tried to write my male coworker up, because the coworker "wouldn't" tell him exactly what day his wife would go into labor.

Today's update: the labor and delivery was successful. My coworker now has a beautiful baby girl.

And I hope she grows up never having a negative story to bring to this sub.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I (26f) just found out I’m pregnant after having revenge sex with the fiancé (35m) of the girl (30f) who my ex boyfriend(32m) cheated on me with for 2 years.

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's Note: changed initial "D" to Dave for easier reading

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, harassment

Feb 19, 2023

I (26f) just found out I’m pregnant after having revenge sex with the fiancé (35m) of the girl (30f) who my ex boyfriend(32m) cheated on me with for 2 years.

My ex and I met when I was 20 but were only friends until we started dating 2 1/2 years ago. I found out last year that my ex had been cheating on me for basically our whole relationship with a girl he met through a mutual friend. I broke things off after I found out and told the girl’s fiancé about their affair, he ended up breaking off their engagement after he found out and she seemed nonchalant about it until she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his (my grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).

It’s not something I’m proud of now that I think back to it, but I did allow my ex to walk all over me for the first month or two after I broke things off because I missed him so much, I gave him money and tried to make things work but would always get reprimanded by my parents and friends when I’d run to them crying after he ghosted me for her, I didn’t officially give him up until the girl’s ex fiancé messaged me and told me that she was rubbing it in some of their old friends’ faces about how pathetic I was and how desperate I was for my ex who didn’t even give an f about me. I was really upset and asked him if he’d be willing to meet up with me because I knew that if I talked to my parents or friends about this, then they’d just lecture me even more. He agreed and the two of us met up at a random food cart place, we ended up spending most of the day just exploring and talking about how we were doing.

He’d also confided in me about his relationship with his ex, they’d known each other for 10 years and they’d liked each other for most of the time they were friends but he wasn’t looking for a relationship because he was focusing on school. He had decided to give them a chance after she’d driven 12+hrs overnight to him because they’d talked on the phone and he said he was feeling under the weather and was stressed from how vigorous his residency schedule was. She’d dropped everything to take care of him, help clean his place, and made him some home cooked meals after finding out that he was surviving off of vending machine snacks and instant coffee. He told me in detail about how he’d never felt so loved and cared for, how after she’d done that for him, he’d decided that she was the one; that if this wasn’t love, then love wasn’t real. Finding out that she was cheating for the last two years made everything click into place, she’d been pushing off getting married, telling all her friends that she was having doubts about him. He’d been trying to convince her into going to couple’s counseling when I broke the news to him that she was sleeping with my ex.

I felt like a monster, hearing their love story and then realizing that they didn’t get their happy ending because of my ex and I messed with my head. We continued to talk from time to time, checking in on each other and meeting up for quick bite every now and then, we lost contact after the girl my ex cheated on me with somehow convinced him to take her back. I became slightly depressed after he cut me off, explaining to me that he was still in love with her and wanted to work things out, which meant a clean slate.

I found out through some internet snooping that my ex cheated on her too, which was why she went back to her ex fiancé. A few months passed and things went back to semi-normal, I started getting therapy and was about ready to put myself back out there to try out the dating pool again when around new years I got a call from the guy, he was crying and asking if I was available to talk, I of course said yes and out of concern met up with him at his place. He broke down to me and told me about how he’d found her and my ex in his mom’s guest bedroom during Christmas when she’d snuck him in for a quickie during his family’s busy holiday party, all hell broke loose when he’d found them in the guest bedroom after spending 20mins looking for her everywhere. We drank a bit and ended up having sex, he apologized and told me that it was a mistake and he wasn’t in his right mind, that he just wanted revenge sex but it didn’t make him feel any better after. I tried to message him platonically a few times after to see if he was alright but he blocked me, so I dropped it and went on with my therapy and life. I went in last week to check with my doctor since I’d been getting bad cramps and to get a new prescription refill for my birth control that I use to help with my PCOS, I had to do a usual test to double check for the possibility if I was pregnant and was very surprised when it came back positive.

I have been sitting on this new knowledge and have been contemplating on if I should tell him, not tell him, or if I should even keep the pregnancy. My doctor did inform that since I am still in the earlier stages I am still at a big risk of having a miscarriage, so I don’t know if I should even be worrying at all about all of this since there is a chance that I could lose it, and then it’d just seem like I was trying to grab at his attention or something, especially after he’d made it clear to me that he wasn’t comfortable talking to me anymore after we slept together. I haven’t told anyone and have been going crazy because I don’t know what to do.

May 20, 2024

Update I’m not sure how Reddit works, but I will simply make a new post.

A lot has happened since my original post.

I know a lot of people were against this, but I went through with the pregnancy and I am forever thankful for my beautiful baby. I had originally planned to get an abortion, but I found myself unable to go through with the appointment. (I am pro-choice and always will be. Just because I chose to keep my baby doesn’t mean another woman/girl should be forced to keep a pregnancy they do not wish to continue. Everyone has a right to their own bodies.) My parents were very upset with me and my whole family disowned me. I listened to what some of you said about letting the father know (will be referring to him as ‘Dave’), after many failed attempts to reach out to him I decided to go in person. Dave was not happy when I showed up at his place but when I told him why, he agreed to talk with me. Dave let me know that he’d officially ended things with his ex and wanted to go no contact with me because I was another tie to his past with her, but he was willing to try and figure out a co-parenting plan with me if I agreed to a paternity test first. I of course felt a bit bad about the paternity test part but agreed to it since we both had only been acquaintances that bonded over our trauma. Everything was honestly easy cruising until I started to spot around the 26 week mark, my OBGYN explained that while spotting is normal while pregnant, mine was heavier and my blood sugar/blood pressure also both worried them because of gestational diabetes and preeclampsia risk.

After a few nights of Dave insisting on sleeping on my couch, I had him help me move some of my things to his place since he lived closer to the hospital. I am very thankful I decided to semi-move in with him when I did bc I went into premature labor at 32 weeks. I am very thankful to have had Dave and his family as my support system; his mom would come and switch out with him at the hospital and advocated for me whenever I felt washed out or unheard, she helped me both emotionally and physically and stood by me. Dave’s mom also helped me work through my emotions when all I wanted was my mom (she and my dad had gone no contact with me after I decided to keep and have my baby). Dave’s mom was an absolute godsend also because she’s a retired nurse (she started in OB, went to NICU and eventually later settled into lactation before retiring) and explained things to me when we found out that my baby had respiratory problems and had SUA (single umbilical artery) and that it could’ve been a factor into why I went into premature labor. She stayed with Dave and I so she could help me with pumping since I wasn’t able to produce milk and encouraged me when I felt like such a failure for not being able to take care of my son when he needed me most, she drove me to and from the hospital while my son was in the NICU because I was healing and so mentally/physically exhausted. I really and truly believe that I didn’t fall into deep postpartum depression because she held me and helped me with each step and was always so patient with me, even when I wasn’t with myself. Dave’s mom would constantly remind me that nothing was our fault and no one did anything wrong, it just that everyone is faced with hardships in life and this was one we’d work together to get through.

My son graduated from the NICU and came home a month after I did, Dave’s mom visited us often and helped with him since Dave and I are first time parents. Dave’s dad joked that he felt like she and I had the baby together and he and Dave were both just background characters that make guest star appearances every now and then since Dave was working so much in order to build more PTO and his mom wouldn’t bring his dad along when she’d come visit since she didn’t want him to disturb me and the baby with his loudness (Dave’s dad is hard of hearing and can sometimes be unaware of his volume so he took no offense to it).

Dave’s siblings and family members posted a lot about our son because he was the first grandchild and first baby in a long time, Dave’s youngest cousin is 17 (turning 18 this year). Somehow someone must’ve shared a photo or something, but pictures of us reached my family and my parents demanded I let them meet my son. Dave was supportive of whatever I chose to do and said he’d agree to them meeting him if that’s what I wanted. After thinking about it for a few days I decided that I wanted to talk to my parents before I let them meet my son; when we met up to talk, my parents were offended that I didn’t bring my son with us and left him with Dave’s parents, they said some really hurtful things and then my dad started to question on when Dave was going to ask him for permission for us to get married since we didn’t already have a shotgun wedding while I was pregnant. I was okay with them insulting me since I’d grown up with it and was used to it, but once my parents put their target on Dave and his family I became upset and decided it was time for us to leave.

My parents did try to petition for legal visitation rights (honestly, before this whole ordeal, I did not even know that grandparents rights existed), but were denied because my son is still very young and because both Dave and I are very much on good terms, are living in the same household, and they couldn’t find or prove that there was any danger to our son’s wellbeing. My family did try to reach out to us and claim that we were horrible people for denying my parents their grandchild, but no one ever seemed to be able to make a peep when Dave’s family would defend us and point out that my family had been the one to disown me and that no one cared to see if I was okay until after I had the baby and everything was handled. Dave’s mom and my mom got in a verbal (almost physical) altercation after my mom had made false reports to cps and called the police to do multiple welfare checks on us, my mom was given a warning by the police for harassing us after one specific incident where she threw a tantrum and caused a scene when the police found nothing wrong in the welfare check and refused to listen to her demands to have my son temporarily taken away from us and put in her custody ‘for his safety’. Dave and I currently have restraining orders pending against my parents and certain family members.

One of the reasons I decided to update is because about two months ago a friend of Dave’s asked him out to have some drinks and they ran into his ex-fiance who later messaged him to tell him that she regretted the way they ended and how she was very hurt when she heard that we had a baby together, especially with it being so soon after their relationship. Dave wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt, and when I asked him he just brushed me off or switched the conversation onto a topic about our son that he knew would distract me. I noticed Dave pulling away from me and how our relationship became a bit awkward and strained after their run in and her message because I know he still has feelings for her and I am afraid that he might feel trapped with me and our son. I also noticed that the drama with my family has made Dave and his family less patient with me and my son, during Mother’s Day I overheard a few of his family members make comments to Dave about me being at their family barbecue since ‘I was just my son’s mom’ and ‘not really’ part of the family, Dave just shrugged and said I didn’t have anyone else to spend the day with.

With how tense things have been, I have been thinking about moving out and back into my place. I stayed with Dave at his place after I gave birth, but now that our son is slightly older and I am healed, I want to give Dave back some space so that he can start dating again if he wants to and to give him back some more ‘bachelor’ time when I have our son. I want to find a way to approach me moving out and us making a coparenting plan without making making things more awkward or possibly ruining the relationship I have with Dave and his parents, I don’t want them to feel like I’m not grateful or anything, but I do want to go back to work and get my life back on track so that I can provide my portion of needs for my son and not want to depend on his family for more than appropriate.

May 24, 2024

I’ve been trying my best to not check my phone or Reddit since I’m honestly a little overwhelmed right now. I will let you all know that I did talk to Dave and he was against me moving out, he also wasn’t willing to talk about the situation what how he’s been acting after running into his ex and said I was bringing up something that didn’t matter since we were talking about me wanting to move out. I haven’t said anything about what I heard during Mother’s Day and I don’t think I’m going to mention it since I feel really bad that it was meant to be a private conversation so I don’t think anyone meant anything bad. During our conversation Dave let me know that maybe I’m just overthinking or overreacting and that I shouldn’t make big decisions like moving out, he also talked about how because our son is a preemie he’d prefer if one of us was a stay at home parent until he turned 2-3yrs old so he could catch up with his peers and then once he started pre-k then we could go back to work again. But I feel like he’s been trying to avoid me since the conversation but I could also me overthinking like he said…but after reading someone comments I do feel like I’m valid in the way I feel but I am also not sure anymore, I want to do what’s best for my son. I know people already think I’m so dumb and that I shouldn’t have had him, but I am trying to be better for my son, I feel like he’s my only family left and I really want to try to do what’s best for him.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

[New Update]: I think my (23M) best friend's (24M) fiancée hates me and I don't know why.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH -----

Trigger Warnings: possible controlling behavior, verbal and emotional abuse, homophobia

: March 16, 2024

I never thought I would find myself in a situation like this, but here goes. My (23M) best friend's (24M) fiance hates me and I don't know why. For the purpose of this story, I'll call him Finn. A little backstory, Finn and I have both known each other since we were in 6th grade. We grew so close from their that he had grown to be a part of my family, and I a part of his. Around the summer of my 10th grade year, I came out to my parents as gay. Let's just say that they didn't take it too kindly, and I ended up disowned, but that's a story for another day. (Gonna start it off and say I've never had or teased any romantic feelings towards Finn.)

To make a long story short, Finn's family happily took me in and treated me with nothing but kindness. When Finn and I graduated from highschool, he went on to work under his father while his parents helped me pay to attend college. During my time away for college is when Finn met Sara (27F). I believe it was my 3rd year of college when I finally got to meet her. It was during a family dinner. I greeted her warmly and tried to make my best impression because she's my best friends girlfriend. When I went to shake her hand, she looked at my hand in a weird way. I don't want to say disgust, but I'm not sure how to describe it. I felt a little bummed, but it was whatever. Maybe she is just nervous.

After that school break, weird things started happening like me and Finn's messages randomly being muted, or my number randomly being blocked on Finn's phone. (At one point it got so weird that Finn contacted AT&T to see if it was a glitch or something.) Obviously I'm guessing it was her, but I would never accuse someone without any hard proof, plus I'm like 2 states over at the time, so I literally have no proof.

Things got even worse when I moved back home after finally graduating from college. Because I have so much respect for their relationship, I never tried to make plans with Finn. If we went out at any point, it was because he was sure he had nothing planned and he would set the date and everything and then let me know. This worked fine, until it didn't. I want to clarify that we got to hang out about 2 or 3 times a month, for about 3 months.

After those 3 months, that's where things started getting weird. On the days where Finn and I planned to meet, Sara would call him and have some sort of situation literally about an hour or less from the time we would be meeting. She would say things like she's having car troubles, she's feeling ill, or she is lonely and needs him. I never felt right trying to stop him from going to her if he needed to, he would say he didn't, but just to avoid anything I'd cancel on him just to make him go see her. (Surprise, there would be no car troubles, and all of a sudden she felt so much better). Eventually Finn and I stopped hanging out as much because it just got annoying, for me at least. We would see each other at family gatherings, but that would be about it.

Fast forward to January of this year, Finn proposed to Sara. Everyone including myself had been over the moon for them. Who wouldn't be happy to see their best friend tie the knot with someone they love. Let me be the first to say this has been the shittiest time ever. To start, she puzzled everyone by immediately making a post on her Instagram story with a picture of her and Finn. She captioned the picture "Better than the rest." with a kissing emoji. This led me and Finn's older siblings asking him if he cheated, because who's "the rest." Finn responds that she's just too excited to make sense. That made no sense to me either, but not my circus.

With their wedding coming up soon, their planning has been nothing short of a nightmare. Her family for some reason doesn't want to help with the cost of the wedding which isn't their obligation so I get it, but we as a family decided to all pitch in and help them get the best wedding possible. After everything had been covered there was only one thing left. Who would be in the wedding party. We knew there would be one since she talked so much about it.

Finn only had one request and that was me being his best man. She initially agreed, but after a few weeks she came back and said that me being best man wont be possible because she wants that spot for her brother. This caused some troubles for them, and things were almost called off until I had just talked to Finn and was just like...it's fine, just let her have it and enjoy your day. Don't let me be the reason you lose what you two have. Of course I was upset about it , but I would feel worse if things went south because of me. I would say that was my biggest mistake as now it feels like she is flexing her power.

Recently, during another family dinner she brought up seating and shower us a few pictures. Why would I not be surprised that she sat me at a table away from those I would call my family. When she showed us, I got a few glances from Finns parents and siblings, and damn I might be a doormat, but I was just fine with it if the wedding still got to happen.

My problem is I just want things to be fine if not good between me and her. I don't know if it's because I'm not related by blood or she's homophobic or whatever it may be, but I don't want this to be a constant thing. I hoped that with time, things would get better, and they really haven't. I'm hoping things get better after the wedding, but I'm not even sure. I don't want to talk to anyone close to us and start something, and I'm really considering going low contact with Finn if this solves the issue, but I don't really know what I'm doing here. How do I go about this while protecting my relationship with Finn's family, my friendship with Finn, and not destroying his relationship?

TLDR: My (23M) best friend's (24M) fiance hates me and I don't know why.

: March 16, 2024 (same day, 15 hours later)

So I wasn't expecting to update so soon, but I had something unexpected that happened today.

Link to previous post:

So yesterday I posted about problems I'm having with my bestfriends fiance. After receiving a ton of great advice, I figured that I would at least speak to one of Finn's family members or Finn himself tomorrow since that's when we meet for dinner, but I was a bit surprised when Finn dropped by my apartment today.

I was spooked at first with me making the reddit post and thinking that he had seen the post and was here to confront me. Luckily he said that he was just in the area and decided to stop by. There was the initial small talk you do when someone comes over and then a good 20 minutes of us daydreaming about the food we are having tomorrow (LOL), but then I remembered someone saying I should show Finn the reddit post.

I learned that the more I waited, the more damage there will be when things come to a head. I guess he noticed my hesitancy since he asked me what's going on. As much as I wanted to say nothing and keep letting the issue stay where it is, there would be no point of me coming on here asking you all for help. I pulled up the reddit post on my laptop and showed him the post. He read the post about 3 or 4 times, which made me nervous again since time was going on and on and he had just been staring with no reaction for so long.

After a while, he asked "Is this it?". I can't even explain how fast my heart sunk. I thought he was about to downplay the situation even though I would say that the two of us have always been understanding of what eachother are going through. He read through the comments of the post before he sat the laptop down. I want to thank you guys so much because the conversation that followed had me floored. I would say all most everyone who gave suggestions were correct in someway. Anyways the conversation went like this:

Finn: Have I ever made you feel like this was something you couldn't tell me?

Me: That's a very difficult question to answer. Not directly but your happiness played a huge role in me just brushing it under the rug.

Finn: You should have told me this long ago. Don't you think I would want to know about this? I thought things were going fine.

Finn: There is a difference between you being considerate of my relationship with Sara, and you letting me be stupid enough to let her run over you and our friendship.

After that, I had to ask him if he really saw nothing going on. He said he felt really pissed about the entire wedding situation, but he chalked it up to her just wanting her day to be how she imagined it. I made sure to remind him that it's his day as well, which us honestly something I should have said back when I was removed from best man. I then asked him would he have idea why she acts the way towards me. I had never met the girl, so it puzzled me how she could be so ehh towards me.

Me thinking it would be a little petty reason that could be easily fixed, Right??? WRONG!! Whoever said something about a drunken confession or something of the sort, you would be right. Apparently during my time in college, Finn got closer to some people who went to our high school. This led to him meeting Sara as well. He said that before he and Sara started dating, it was one time where they had all decided to hang out and had been playing some sort of drunken confessions game. I've never really been to parties like that, so I dont know how those work.

Anyways, he started rambling for a bit before I asked for him to get to the point, in whatever fucked up way it happened, he remembers saying something along the lines of "I wish (My name) was a girl." Not blaming him, but there is NO WAY you said some crazy stuff like that. I almost thought he was joking, but he had a stone face.

No wonder she hates me, and that makes me wish I would have spoke up sooner. I told him how whatever he said was not okay. I also told him that if he knew he said something like that, out of everyone, HE should have known that she would feel some kind of way. He tried to excuse it by saying that he thought no one would remember and it was just something that would pass. Let me clarify that Finn and I have NEVER had anything going on. I don't even know why something like that would be said, and it still feels unbelievable to me. Now I can sort of understand where Sara is coming from, but then again

1. If this guy were to say something like that, why would you even go after him?

2. If you do end up with this guy, why are you going after the person who he said those things about like it's their fault.

3. If there was a problem that obviously Sara felt some way about, she should have talked to him or even me and we could have spoke about it. (Says the guy who sat quietly for this long, I know.)

Anyways, to sum up the rest of our conversation, we ended up understanding that there is a problem that at least he and Sara need to address. He told me he'd call later today after they sit down and have a talk. Every so often, I laugh because what kind of confession is "I wish he was a girl." Dude....no. Before anyone asks, no, I didn't ask him if he still felt that way because that's just a can I don't want to open. I'll be sure to update you all whenever he talks to Sara and hopefully we can find some sort of common ground.

: March 18, 2024

So...I guess it's safe to say that the wedding is off. On Friday I came here with the problem of my bestfriends fiance hating me. After getting a ton of great advice, I was able to speak to Finn when he dropped by the next day. We spoke for a really long time, with some really weird things being said (check previous update). Anyways, after Saturday, Finn told me he'd call me that night after he spoke to his fiance, Sara. Well that never happened.

Sunday dinner rolled around and everyone came by. I knew he had spoke to Sara because she was giving me a death glare from across the table. Alright, now you're starting to piss me off. We get through dinner and now everyone had just been in conversation. At some point, Finn pulled both me and Sara outside to the backyard. There was a long silence, but then Finn cleared his throat and then the conversation went something like this:

Finn: Do it.

Sara: I already told you, I'm not doing anything.

Me: What does she have to do?

Finn: She needs to apologize about everything so we can all be fine.

Sara: I did nothing wrong. Your relationship is weird. (My name) is weird. His relationship with your family is weird, and I should be the one making you apologize.

Me: I get why you're upset, but things Finn said in the past are not my fault, and I'm sure there are some things people say where they're drunk that they don't-

So at this point, Sara got red in the face and just began screaming. Watching this play out in real time, the first thought in my head was "She needs a fucking exorcism." Most of what she was saying couldn't even be understood, but I made out things like "He fucking knew" and "Why would you tell him you said that, I knew you two had something going on."

W. T. F. So at that point Finn's parents and siblings had finally came outside because of Sara and they asked what's going on. I try to explain, but Sara just starts screaming that I'm a "dirty dog that needs to be put down." I guess to cool the situation down, after a little convincing Finns mom is able to get Sara into the house. Finns sister also went inside with them, leaving only me, Finn, Finn's older brother, and Finn's dad outside. I explain my side of the story and then Finn explains his side. We spoke about the talk Finn and I had at my apartment on Saturday. He received some teasing for the weird comment he made about me, but the conversation became serious again. Eventually Finn's mom and sister come back outside. They say that Sara is in the bathroom cleaning herself up. His mom starts the conversation with "Are you two messing around?" I'm. Fucking. FLOORED. I fill her in on everything she is yet to know. I tell her that I've never flirted, kissed, or doing anything else that was not platonic with Finn.

I'm guessing Sara was listening in through the backdoor instead of just coming out, because as soon as the words left my mouth she came out screaming at me that I'm a liar. I ask her at what point have I ever made her feel like I'm chasing after Finn. I mean I'm helping to fund their damn wedding. Finn parents are trying to help her understand that everything is being misunderstood, but she isn't having it. She kept yelling until the point where Finn had to pull her aside. It started off as a yelling match between them, but then things finally began to calm down and I thought she understood and we could talk it out. RIGHT???? WRONG!!!

Color me fucking surprised when she walks back over like everything is fine and slaps me. After the long period of silence and shock, I was just done and I was like "I'm out." Finn and Sara begin yelling at eachother again but at that point of couldn't have cared any less. I head back inside to grab my things cause I'm done with the situation.

Eventually Sara's screams at Finn go from calling him names to her saying "I'm sorry" and "give it back". Finn yelled at her to stop. Hell, even I was scared and I didn't even do anything. He then said something like "I let you have the wedding how you wanted. I've never given you a reason to doubt me.The fact that you're just yelling and screaming here like a toddler is honestly something I'm not looking for in a partner. You make up this fake scenario in your head, and why?? What good does that do. You're pissed about a comment made at a party before we even dated, and that is crazy to me. You won't apologize. You won't listen. I should took the ring the moment you slapped him. Nobody in this house has EVER disrespected everyone else like you've done today."

Finn came inside as well, and began grabbing his things. He told his parents that he's gonna sleep in his old bedroom upstairs for a few nights which they were fine with. I knew Sara had driven over with him, and before anything, no matter what they went through he should make sure he gets her home safe. After I spoke to him about taking her home he agreed. Everyone had finished grabbing their things around the same time with me, Finn, Sara, and his siblings all heading to our cars at the same time.

The entire time, I was surprised but not interested when Sara began apologizing to me. I mean, I didn't even want her to apologize in the first place, but just treat me with the kindness I offered to her. Why did we have to go through all of this for you to realize that you're just being downright nasty. I'm not sure if she's been cheated on in the past or if it's some kind of trauma or something, but it's also not for me to figure out.

Finn ended up dropping her off, and I'm guessing he called me by the time he got back to his parents place. I didn't even answer because I was just tired and the entire confrontation drained me. It definitely could have went better, and I hoped that this would be something that could be easily fixed, instead it destroyed a relationship which I feel shitty about.

It's Monday after noon and there is still no word on if Finn and Sara have even spoke to eachother this morning. I haven't spoken to anyone this morning either, but Finn did send me a few tiktok videos. I think it's just sad because even with the way she treated me, I think their relationship was a beautiful thing, and it socks that things such as jealousy and misunderstandings can be silent killers to a relationship. I thank you all for the advice and for pushing me towards talking to someone about this. I wish things could have ended differently, but as some of you said, this should be a wake up call towards both Finn and I. I'm not sure what will come of everything. Maybe they will reconcile eventually, but I think for now the wedding may be off.

Relevant Comments

MissMew0417: I just want to say that I have a lot of respect on how you handled the situation. I'm sorry that things devolved the way that they did.

OOP: Thank you. I feel bad as well, but more so for Finn since his years long relationship just went up in flames.

StrongTxWoman: She is a homophobe and she hit OP. So many eye witnesses. OP can press charges literally.

Don't accept those fake apologies. She just wants her wedding. She is not sorry. She is only sorry she caught red handed.

I am sure her family and friends will believe her lies. She probably is one of those MAGA people.

Good riddances.

OOP From what I know about her, half of her family doesn't talk to her. I don't know why tho. Also, I also felt like she was a homophobe after she made the dog comment. I doubt she'd be back around us after Finn's parents have seen that side of her. They messaged all of us (excluding Sara) explaining their dislike for the situation and how they think it's best if Sara doesn't visit.

Beneficial_Syrup_869: You’re amazing for the way you respect their relationship and handled that mess last night! The fact that she thought slapping you in front of a group of people who love you and for them to agree to kick you out of their lives because the delusion she created in her mind is mind boggling? She doesn’t not seem mentally well, especially if half her family doesn’t talk to her.

I don’t believe their relationship is as good as you think it was, her mask started slipping a while ago. Hopefully, for the sanity of your family and Finn they part ways, cause imagine how jealous she’d be if he gave a baby attention.

OOP: If there is something mentally wrong, I hope she can get the help she needs. I do wonder if her family cutting her off ties in to the mental issues. If that is the case and the wedding is off, I hope they use the money from any refunds they get to get Sara therapy or something.

malYca: Why do you feel bad? Your best friend was spared marrying and possibly breeding with an insane covert narcissist. You guys should be celebrating. You're too afraid to rock the boat and that's going to bite you more than help you. If you had addressed this after the first instance, I bet it wouldn't have blown up like it has. Your people will always value you, even if you don't value yourself. If they're with someone that hates you, that's going to be a deal breaker for them and that's ok. Stand up for yourself more.

OOP: I would say it's a bittersweet feeling. I'm glad her mask fell as people say, and Finn saw her for who she was if he hadn't already. But also I'm never happy to see people who go through things like this.

: March 20, 2024

Update 3: I think my (23M) best friend's (24M) fiance hates me and I don't know why.

Hello Reddit,

It has been almost a week since my initial post and I can't thank you all enough for all the advice. Even the people who called me out on being a doormat, thank you. Since my last update a lot has happened.

I want to start things out by flat out saying that their isn't a chance of reconciliation between Finn and Sara, and after reading everything and really taking a stepback to see how this situation was definitely a blessing, I'm happy with the outcome. Since the major fallout, me and Finn have spoken a lot about not only being open and honest with eachother about things that bother us, but to also establish boundaries for our future partners (Not that either of us are getting out there.)

Yesterday evening, Finn and I went over to the apartment he shares with Sara to retrieve his belongings. When we got there, Sara wasn't home so that was a relief. It was a bit of work to get all of his things bagged/boxed up and put in the rental, but luckily we got everything.

I actually live in a decent sized apartment, so Finn is gonna stay with me until he settles everything with the place he had with Sara. Finn along with the rest of his family ended up blocking Sara, with Finn blocking her after they spoke a final time this morning. I was around during the conversation and there was another moment where you all really helped.

I'm guessing Finn did take notes from you all because he spoke for a long period about how she has things that she needs to work on before looking for a relationship with some of them being the ability to love herself and dealing with her mental health as well as she is clearly not in a good state. There was a lot more, but that is just to make a long story short.

She asked him was there really no chance that things could work out between them. He told her no, not only because of what he had just said, but because she disrespected him, me, and the rest of his family. He told her he should have put his foot down a long time ago, and it's just as much his fault as it is hers that things got this far. He told her that he wished the best for her, and when she is ready for a relationship and the right time comes, then that will be that. There was a long moment of silence and then she ended the call, and he blocked her not long after. I'm not sure how the wedding cancelations and all that good stuff will work, but I'm sure we'll handle it.

As far as me and Finn's relationship goes, I feel really happy. I feel like I got my best friend back, and it's crazy how you don't realize how different the energy in friendships become when you are in situations like that for that long. I can admit that no, none of this was NOT my fault, HOWEVER I could have spoke up about it not only for myself but for Finn as well.

Maybe the two of us along with the rest of the family should take a trip somewhere, taking time for ourselves. I think this whole situation has been very eye opening for both me and Finn and there needs to be some changes, ESPECIALLY with us and our communication, because as you all said, it wouldn't have gotten this far had we spoke on it. That's pretty much it.

There wasn't a crazy fight scene where the police bust in and take Sara away. I think that Sara DEFINITELY needs to get her shit together, but we also have to better ourselves as well, and some of you have made me very aware of the pushover I can be. :) You've all given me so much guidance and that really warms my heart. I actually cried a little, because almost a week ago, I felt so hopeless.

This will most likely be the last update, but before I go I'll answer some of your questions that I felt shouldn't go ignored. Also, I read EVERY. SINGLE. COMMENT. And even if I didn't respond, best believe I took it to heart and I am forever grateful.

Okay, First Question...

Why do you think their relationship was a beautiful thing? I can't say my words were misconstrued, but I will say that I expressed myself and my thoughts the wrong way. What I was trying to convey was not the beauty of their relationship, but the beauty of relationships and the idea of relationships as a whole. I hope both Finn and Sara find their person when they are ready.

Why do you feel bad? This was another case of me expressing my thoughts poorly. I don't feel bad that Finn got out of that situation. I'm happy that he's out of that toxic environment before things got even more messy. What I felt bad about was that there was a situation to even begin with, and if my best friend his hurting, I can't help but feel bad.

Being a rebound for Finn? No. Absolutely not. If there were to ever be something between me and Finn, it would be under full understanding that we are in it for eachother. Not saying that it would ever even happen, but what good would a rebound do besides hurting eachother? Once again not claiming to have feelings for him, but even if I did I wouldn't use this ass a chance to start anything with him with emotions everywhere.

The last time I heard from my family? A few months before I started college which was many years ago. I wish them the best, just not around me.

Have you and Finn cleared up what your relationship is meant to be? Yes, we definitely have, especially with the help of you all. I made it known to Finn that it's fine to feel however you feel towards me or anyone, but you have to understand who you are and what you want out of relationships with people whether it's friendships, lovers, etc. Someone said platonic soulmates and that definitely suits us, haha.

Why did Sara's family disown her? That remains unknown. If I ever find out, I'll let you all know. I wish her the best as well, just not around me.

Has Sara ever physically abused Finn? No. He has said that they argued consistently, but there was never any hands laid on one another.

Did you file a police report against Sara? No I did not, but do not worry. Since it all happened on the back porch, it had been picked up on the camera and I have it saved to my phone if I ever need it which I doubt.

How have your partners felt about Finn? Never had one.

I think that pretty much wraps it up!! If anyone has any more questions, I'll do my best to answer. If this wasn't the update you expected, still treat me kindly. Once again I love you all so much. ❤️❤️❤️

Relevant Comments

PtarmiganTzar: It’s as happy of an update as we could hope for. I hope he will be okay. A thought though. I know it is great to have him around and be best friends again, and your support is incredible! But because your relationship was the thing she latched onto to cause her mental break down of the relationship, maybe him staying with his family might be best for a bit? I would just hate for her to start spreading rumors that y’all have to awkwardly fight off

OOP: Finn works under his dad, and they work every day. Also, I live a good distance away from their apartment, and my area has great surveillance.❤️ I will take your concern into consideration though.

hoeticxjustice: How did Finn’s parents feel? Considering they watched you guys grow up

OOP: They both, along with Finns siblings, have always been always been supportive of any decisions Finn and I made. When they were told that things were off with Sara, they completely understood, just like when Finn decided he didn't see want college, or I decided I did. They truly are amazing❤️

: March 24, 2024

Hi to those still out there!! :D A little has happened since everything went down. We are currently at a vacation cabin, and the picture is a trail that we had took a walk on. Finn is doing really well and his parents as well as the rest of us are really happy to have him around a lot more. I've lived in the city all my life, so to see those huge hills is crazy, haha.

Also, I guess Sara has been up as well. Since Finn and Sara basically have the same friend group, he saw a picture from someone else's page of Sara out at the club. He seemed indifferent to it, so I guess he's also learning to let it go if he hasn't already. Finn's parents and siblings leave tomorrow afternoon for either work or other reasons, but Finn and I decided to stay at the cabin for a while longer.

----NEW UPDATE----

: April 24, 2024

Hi everyone!! I know it's been a while, a little over a month since you've last heard from me and a few people asked for an update.

Nothing much has happened. I finished playing elden ring, which was a pretty fun game (besides the parts where I raged). I also thought I may have met a guy, but our views on things were a bit too different for my liking, which is okay.

Finn in still staying with me, and the only problem is him wanting to use my Xbox 24/7 (I'm kidding lol). I really don't know much about Sara. I heard she's with a new guy, but eh. Rumors are rumors.

A funny thing that did happen was Finn and I getting scolded by his parents once we got back from the trip. The whole communication is key thing that they literally hammered into our head the entire trip.

I would say that things are going good. I hope you are all doing good as well.❤️

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. The latest update is 7 days old due to the rules of this sub.

Trigger Warning: discussion of seizures; manipulative behavior; faking a medical diagnosis

Mood Spoiler: sad and confusing for OOP

Original : May 12, 2024

Hello reddit. Long time dweller, first time posting. Burning account for obvious reasons.

So I (22M) have been dating my girlfriend Susan (21F, not her real name) for a year now. Things have been great between us as we keep good communication.

I'm posting this a two days after her birthday, which is also the time where the incident happened. I'd like to say that I'm very romantic, and my girlfriend can vouch that for me, as for her birthday, I had planned a whole long-day schedule of her favorite activities, along with some extras I poked here and there, like taking her to the movies, going out to Red Lobster (despite me not enjoying sea food at all) and some more.

This is the part where my mother Claudia (42F, again, not a real name) comes into play. Due to medical issues, she's prone to having sudden epileptic attacks with no prior warning, so me and my step-dad Robert (52M, not a real name) have always been on the look out and wary of this, hence we are in contact at least once a day.

Now, my girlfriend is very well aware of this, and I've warned her since day one. This never bothered her, and she's been always supportive of me and my father (I've grown close to him and call him dad sometimes) , although my mom's attacks have gotten in the way if our hangouts once or twice before.

We were out at red lobster, and we were midway through our meal when I got a call. I picked up the phone since it was my step dad. I might be the asshole here, because I just dropped everything and took off running, as you all can expect, my mother had an attack and my dad told me to come over.

Though, by the time I arrived, my step dad told me that things were under control, and that it was just a scare because she suddenly felt dizzy, lightheaded and her head started to hurt.

I thought that'd be the end of it but it turned out to be a true attack, as she started to have a seizure in the living room and we had to rush her to the doctor.

It took a good 30 minutes for her to stabilize, and I called my girlfriend to let her know that mom was okay, and that if she wanted, we could resume our date.

She told me that she didn't want to anymore, and that I was an asshole for leaving her like that and ruining her special day, which she's told her friends, who've sent me messages telling me how much of an asshole I am.

So reddit, am I the asshole?

Relevant Comments:

Top comment: YTA. First of all - Does your mother have epileptic seizures without warning or does she get dizzy and lightheaded and get a headache and then have a seizure? More out of curiosity than anything, about the inconsistency.

Second of all - she's a grown woman with epilepsy. She doesn't need you to drop what you're doing and rush to her location when she has a seizure. She needs to get her seizures under control with the help of her doctor. If her husband is present, he can handle the aftermath  and getting her medical attention. Two people aren't required. You can still be involved and helpful, but surely when it's an important day and you're occupied, her husband can handle things.

Thirdly: you rushed out of your girlfriend's birthday dinner without telling her why or making sure she had cash or a ride home to go to tend to someone who did not really need your help. That's not prioritizing your mom's medical needs, that's blowing your girlfriend's needs out of the fucking water.

OOP: Thank you for your input in this.

She does without warning and very few times with warning, I can count in the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's given us some kind of warning about her episodes, this being the fourth time.

Her husband cannot lift anything due to a work related injury before meeting my mom, and not being mean, she leans a bit on the heavier side.

I didn't left my girlfriend completely blank, as I had given her money earlier as part of a birthday gift, money which I intend to pay back of course.

Though thank you. I appreciate that your letting me know my faults and what I did wrong.

Commenter: definite [define] "I just dropped everything and took off running" bc there is a big difference between answering the phone, not acknowledging gf and literally running away and answering the phone saying to gf "mom's having an attack" and running away. 

OOP: The earlier. I kind of just booked it, though it only dawned on me later. It's kind of a instinct that kicks in, to ensure she's okay

Commenter: then YTA it takes less than a second to inform a person you presumably love and respect that you have to leave. even just saying "sorry, mom" would have been enough to stay out of asshole territory. but you just running away was disrespectful af

OOP: I see. Thank you for your input, I do realize I lack a lot of communication.

Commenter (downvoted): NAH(?) - Did you leave and not say anything to the point that she might have been unsure why you left? Is there a specific reason you need to be there for every attack? Like are you needed? Is it case she didn't make it through this attack?

You say you gf said it was a special night. Was this specific date for something special?

Nm, read it was her birthday

Can you set things up with your step dad before hand to not call unless it's really an emergency?

Your gf might just want to feel like a priority sometimes and not always feel like coming in second.

OOP: I am needed in every case because my step father cannot carry my mother into his truck in case she does suffer one (like this case). Yeah it was her birthday.

Yeah, I've talked to my step father before and not to call me unless there's a true emergency, as such, in his worried spouse judgement, he assumed it to be a real case.

I hadn't see it that way. I'll need to talk to my girlfriend about that and if she does really feel like that. Thank you for your comment.

Commenter: What about calling an ambulance ? Or is this USA ?

OOP: I've asked my father about that before, why not the ambulance? He says he doesn't really know, it's just his first instinct to call me. USA indeed.

Commenter: Adults don't run out of the restaurant in the middle of dinner with no communication and leave their partner on their birthday with the bill. He didn't even say anything, he just ran out. Also, there was no medical emergency at the time and this is a known medical condition (which also makes it not a medical emergency). At some point OP is going to have to somewhat distance himself if he plans to have a family or a long-term relationship.

OOP: Just clarifying, I didn't leave her with the bill and no way to pay it, since I had given her some money beforehand as a birthday gift, and I intend to pay it back.

But thank you for this input, like another comment, it makes me realize I lack a bit of communication regarding this matter, but it's like a fight-or-flight response, I just need to make sure that my mother is okay.

That last part of your comment, about having to distance myself and decide between relationship and family really makes me think. Thank you.

OOP is voted YTA

Update : May 24, 2024 12 days later)

Hello again reddit.

A lot of stuff has happend the past days, and I don't even know where to start or where my head is at right now. It just feels surreal right now.

Many of you will be.. Displeased, to hear this, but me and my girlfriend are still together. Apologies to those who commented but didn't got a reply, I did read each and every comment, and took them the heart. Even the ones that came out rougher on the edges. It was eye opening, to say the least.

It made me realize a lot of stuff. The same day of the original post, I messaged my girlfriend to talk with her, she told me she was at her parent's house, so I went over and we had a talk. I apologized for leaving so abruptly without making sure she was okay, but that I didn't knew any better since that's what I was raised like and what I was taught. She said she understood and apologized for slandering me with her friends, but only wanted her opinion validated. Okay, no biggie.

I told her if she ever felt second in line whenever it came to my mother and she said yes. This was making me open my eyes more and more to the situation at hand, alike the comments were pointing out. I admit I cried a bit and my girlfriend held me and consoled me.

I went to sleep on it and next morning, I took my leave to go confront my parents, my girlfriend insisted in tagging along, but understood when I told her that this was something I had to do on my own.

I arrived at my parent's place, and my mom greeted me like nothing happened. She felt something was off when I didn't reply, and I told her to sit down and have a talk with me.

She looked really worried. I was blunt and outright asked if she was really sick, because the more I thought of it (more like, the more I recall the comments calling me out and her behavior) the more odd it looked. Did she really have seizures? If she has seizures, why does she has her husband call me instead of an ambulance? I pointed out how if those were real seizures, (like I've read online) she'd be either aggressive towards us or have no idea of who she is and where she is and why.

As a few redditors suspected, she doesn't have seizures. It just turned out to be a controlling movement on her side to keep me around and short leashed. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced, and it genuinely made me nauseous.

My whole life was built on a lie. You can tell the turmoil, anger, sadness, shock, disappointment, everything going down to me at once. And then,. Y step father walked in. I only asked him once if he was a part into this, and he couldn't look me in the eye.

Right then and there, I knew that I had no family anymore, so I left. On my way to work, I started getting bombarded with calls and texts from her, but I simply blocked her and ignored her.

So here's where I'm sitting at right now.

Comment:

Commenter: Why would people be displeased to know you’re still with your gf? I’m lost

OOP: If you read part one you'd understand, some comments were saying it was down to my girlfriend to leave me due to what I did.

(Editor's note: People were indeed... brutal in some of the comments.)

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Inconclusive

2 updates -Medium

- 20th February 2024

- 1st March 2024

- 30th May 2024

AITA for yelling at my SIL at my wedding and telling her no one cares that she is pregnant

TLDR: I yelled at my SIL at my wedding that no one cares that she is pregnant after she repeatedly trued to take the attention off of my husband and I.

My husband (30 m) and I (26f) got married during covid. We couldn’t have a big ceremony because of restrictions, and unfortunately my family couldn’t be present as they live in a different country. With restrictions finally lifted, we decided to have a more traditional ceremony in my home country with my family. My husband’s family came, his parents, some friends, cousins and his sister (32 f, we’ll call her Sara) and her husband (28 m, we’ll call him Matt).

Sara and Matt live on the other side of the US than the rest of the family. They had their wedding a couple of months back in their home state, and ever since then when we have a conversation, even without our wedding coming up, Sara would say that she and Matt are planning to get pregnant on the trip for my husband and I’s wedding. No big deal, I just made sure to tell her that she needs to ovulate for that to happen, but other than that I could not care less. What started to get annoying, is when we were talking about all the activities/ excursions people wanted to do so could go ahead and book it, Sara would always say “Make sure there’s is enough time for Matt and I at the hotel so we can get busy making our baby.” Again, kind of gross, a little annoying, but whatever, they are grown ups.

About a week before we all leave to go to my home country, Sara and Matt arrive in our home state to spend time with family as they rarely see them. My husband and I, his parents, and my husband’s brother and sister in law are sitting chatting, when Sara blurts out she is pregnant. We all get really excited, congratulate them and saying how happy we are. We start asking some questions, and Sarah says she is 2 weeks pregnant. Everyone kind of loses a little bit of excitement and say wow, that’s really early, we suggest to wait before telling other people, just as a lot can happen. People usually dont even know they are pregnant until at least 6 weeks, and even then they are encouraged to wait until after the first trimester to tell people. My BIL and SIL were very happy and excited for them, but cautioned them even more as they have experienced multiple miscarriages before having their first child.

Matt replied by saying they are only telling the people closest to them, eg his parents, her parents and her siblings, no one else since it is so early. Well the next day, Sara had called her great uncle and his wife over for drinks and decided to tell them too, called her one aunt and uncle and told them, and by the end of the day basically the entire extended family knew, as well as some of her mom’s friends which stopped by the house and Sara told. With each person Sara told Matt got more agitated, as they had agreed to only tell a select few people. Matt finally gave up and asked her why she doesn’t just post it on Facebook as it will be quicker, to which she replied, she wants to, but she think it will be frowned upon.

My husband came to me and said it feels like she is trying to draw the attention away from us and our wedding, as she is known to do anything and everything to have the spotlight on her. I said to not worry about it, as when we are in my home country, she isn’t going to know many people so she wont say anything.

He agreed, but went to his parents and told them what he was feeling, and asked if they could politely suggest that she keep it to herself when we left for the trip. They agreed that it was valid for him to feel that way, as they know she hates it if the focus is not on her.

Anyway, we leave for the wedding and I see my mom for the 2nd time in 5 years. Obviously it was a very emotional reunion, but we wiped off our tears quickly and sat down for a meal with my husband’s family. After I introduced her to everyone, the waiter take our order and the first thing Sara says to my mom is, your daughter probably already told you, but I won’t be drinking this trip. My mom says that its no problem, you dont have to drink to have fun, and that Sara will still have fun, even if she chooses not to drink. Sara interrupts my mom to tell her its not by choice that she is not drinking, but that she is pregnant. (Keep in mind this is 10 minutes after she met my mom) my mom says congratulations and keeps on with another conversation. Sara intterupts my mom again and tells her how she is 2 weeks pregnant and just so excited. My mom ( who is in medicine) then tells Sara the same thing we did, that she should probably wait until she is in her second trimester to tell people, and Sara completely ignores her.

The same thing happens with my aunt, cousins, uncles, sister and grandparents, all of whom she had never met before.

My husband yet again speaks to his parents and ask them to please tell her to keep it private because it feels as though she is purposefully trying to take the attention away from our wedding. They say they will talk to her. Matt actually comes up to us and apologizes, by saying he agrees that it has gotten out of hand and that the number of people that know is way more than the number they agreed upon.

Fast forward, we are sitting eating while we wait for one of our excursions. A family that I lived with for 3 when I first moved to my husband’s country flew out for the wedding and met up with us for lunch. They have never met my SIL. The wife and I are talking about the wedding and all the arrangements, while my SIL sits across from us and listens to the conversation. My husband orders some shots for everyone at the table, when his mom says she doesn’t want one so he tells the server minus 1. My SIL hears him ordering the shots and goes off yelling across the table. “ I can’t drink alcohol!! You know I cant drink a shot! Why would you order me one?!”

Everyone kind of stops and looks at her for a sec, before my husband says its not a problem as Matt said he wants 2. Everyone then continues their conversation including the wife and I. My SIL interrupts me and continues to make a big fuss over how my husband ordered her alcohol when he knows she’s not drinking. The wife then says its ok because Matt said he’ll drink it so its not going to waste. My SIL then says again how annoying it is that my husband ordered her a shot and I say to not worry about because I’ll just drink it if Matt doesn’t want it. She keeps doing this till I finally tell the wife, she’s not drinking because she is pregnant. The wife says congratulations and ask how far she is and then also tells her to be careful of telling too many people.

This situation happens about 3 more times in the week leading up to the wedding. Now this is why I might be the AH. The last time it happened she was telling my HS friends at the wedding how sick she has been, but no one asked why she was sick, they were just empathetic and saying they hope she feels better. They came over to me to talk to me and she followed again complaining about how sick she has been and kind of pushing them to ask why she has been feeling so sick, when I finally said, “ Sara, are you fucking kidding me?! No one gives a shit that you are pregnant, they don’t even know you.” Sara ran off crying and my MIL heard me say that and told my FIL who screamed at my husband saying how we hurt Sara’s feelings and how she is just excited.

My husband doesn’t think I did anything wrong, and my HS friends think I was fine too, because they know the backstory. My mom and some of my husband’s family think I was the Asshole.

So AITA for telling my SIL that no one cares that she is pregnant.

Comments

the805chickenlady

sarah doesn't sound mature enough to have a child.

GnomesinBlankets

I’m having a hard time believing there even will be a child

Debsha

Hey, I had a SIL who had a miscarriage every month. After the second or third one (I forgot which) I said to my mother, “oh so she got her period, big whoops”. Seriously, she would call my mother and tell her she was x number of days pregnant (not even weeks) and this was back before home tests (back in the mid 70’s).

ACanWontAttitude

2 weeks pregnant doesn't exist. If she's used the clear blue test that says 2 weeks, it actually means she's 4 weeks.

Your weeks of pregnancy are dated from the first day of your last period. This means that in the first 2 weeks or so, you are not actually pregnant – your body is preparing for ovulation (releasing an egg from one of your ovaries) as usual.

OOP: She said she knows when she got pregnant, it was their anniversary from when they started dating, and then she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive 2 weeks after their anniversary. She could also apparently ’feel when the implant of the egg happened’

Update - 9 days later

My husband and i finally had our honeymoon and we were unreachable during our holiday because we were out of the country. Our whole family knew this before we left and we told them the only way to reach us in emergency was to call the hotel. We knew Sara was going in for her appointment while we were away and we told her we would call her as soon as we got back home.

My husband and I was out one day for the whole day from the hotel doing activities, and when we got back we found a note on our room to say we have to go to reception. Once we got to reception, the person told us we had 7 missed calls from family and gave us a number to call. We didn’t know who called or what about, but we thought it was an emergency. We called the number and it was Matt. He was very confused and asked why we were calling him on our honeymoon and asked if we were ok? We said that the hotel said this number called 7 times and asked him if everything was ok, matt said everything was fine but Sara wanted to talk to us.

Matt called Sara over and she asked us how we were having fun etc, but we just wanted to know what was going on because we were so worried. Sara said she went to the doctor and got some news, we asked her if everything was ok, because she kept not saying anything and we could hear her and Matt whisper to each other. We heard Matt say to her “did you seriously call the hotel 7 times to tell them this? It could have waited.” Sara finally gets back on the phone and said that the doctor said she was going to have twins!! We said congratulations and asked if there was anything else? We thought it was an emergency. She said no she just wanted to share the news because she is so excited and scared and she couldn’t hold it in. She said she also called my mom, and told her (thay are friends on social media) .

My husband and I both just said we were very happy for them but really didn’t want to be bothered again if it was not an emergency. Sara said we were being very rude and she just wanted to share the good news. We hung up because we had to get ready for dinner.

When we got back into the US, my inlaws picked us up from the airport and were asking us if we spoke to Sara. We said yes she said she was having twins and we were very excited for them. My FIL then said Sara told them we were extremely rude to her and Matt and we were dismissive and hung up the phone. We told them what really happened and they said that is not what Sara has told the whole family.

We are now back in our house and haven’t spoken to Sara or Matt but matt texted us both but the text only cane through later where he said he was so sorry that they bothered us on our vacation and he felt horrible. We just texted back and said all good, and that we were very excited for both of them.

All i can say about this whole situation is that i am very happy that we live on the other side of the country from Sara.

Comments

Bitter_Animator2514

That is going to be the worlds longest pregnancy Congratulations on the wedding

OOP: I spoke to my MIL today and like everyone said, Sara didn’t calculate her time right. She is actually about 8-9 weeks pregnant according to my MIL. Sara is also having twins that were 2 eggs and 2 sperms( not sure the medical name) and each has their own sack.

bobbleheadjoe_

Did your brother go with her to the doctor? Did he see the ultrasound?

For some reason women who fake pregnancies often claim they’re having twins. Now that isn’t a super likely scenario, but this woman sounds pathologically desperate for attention.

I probably have watched too many Dr Phil episodes on women who fake pregnancies, but I’d reverse image search any ultrasound pictures she sends/posts.

OOP: I think Matt went with yes, when we got back to the US she sent us a picture of the ultrasound, im not a doctor or in the medical field at all but it looked like two babies to me.

Update - 3 months later

Hi everyone, sorry for the long wait on the update, I have been really busy with my work.

Sara is still pregnant, due at the end of August, with 2 babies, one boy and one girl.

My husband (Sara's brother) and I have started to try and have a family of our own, no success yet, but we are not worried, it only 2 months. When we we're in my country, we were buying artwork and small furnitures from my country to put in the nursery of our future baby to have my culture too. Sara and her husband bought some things too for their house and because she was pregnant for the baby. My mom was on the town with Sara one day when we did a trip they didnt want to do and bought some things for us, and told Sara its for the nursery for our future baby. When Sara heard what our idea for our nursery was with my culture, she decided she wanted her nursery to be like that, and bought almost everything we bought. We dint say anything because we thought she was just buying for her house and for friends, souvenirs etc.

Some time passed after everything happened at the wedding and the honeymoon, and Sara called me to see if I can go to a store where we live and look at some baby things for her, because they dont have that store. I said yes and spend almost 2 hours with her on the videocall showing her things, taking pictures, and saying we can get it and mail to her if she needs anything, so we were on good terms.

then a week ago she posted on ig her nursery in progress and it was exactly what I said I wanted. The theme isnt something very common, but its my culture. Think like dragons for China, or Geisha for Japan. Very big part of the culture, but not usually a baby theme. I saw it and got mad, showed it to my husband and he was mad too, but said lets just give it a few days, and then talk about it again, and then we can decide what to do. I said ok.

Sara calls us a couple of days later to tell us the names she decided for her babies, and the boy name is very sweet, a mixture of a family name on Matt and Sara's family. The girl name is where the problem is. Her first name is very pretty, we love it, but her middle name is my husband's name that we said we wanted to use if we had a son. its not a girl/boy name like Taylor, its a boy name like Johnathan (not the rael name). My husband said thats his name and she knew we wanted to use it. she said its also their uncle's name, and thats who its after. My husband kept saying but its his first name, and its boys name and we are still going to use the name if we have a son. This is where Sara loses her mind. she gets so mad and starts yelling that cousins cannot have the same name and she chose it first, and my husband just says ITS MY NAME. Finally Sara just hangs up after she said she thought my husband would be happy that she is nameing the baby the same name as him.

Again we give it a couple of days and then I had a talk with my husband and said I am still very upset about the theme and it feels like Sara always gets what she wants, no matter what other people think, feel or are affected. I told him its like the camels back broke from all the straw, over the last years. I told him I was going to call Sara and tell her how i feel and just talk about it. he said ok, but told me to wait one more day so I am not very angry when I call. I called my mom and told her what i told my husband, and she was furious. She pointed out that Sara also showed me and my husband things she thought would look good in our nursery with the theme we said we wanted, so she knew exactly what we wanted to do. I took a couple of hours to get my brain ready and called Sara to talk to her about it.

When I was talking to Sara, I made sure to tell her that the nursery wasn't the main issue, that it was just the last thing I could take. I told her it feels like everything is always about her, and how she wants it and screw everybody else. I said its almost 4 years of that, and the nursery was the last straw. I made it a point to talk to her nicely, not raise my voice and use kind words. SHE WENT OFF. She said a nursery theme isnt something you can own, and that I actually copied her. I told her its my culture so i dont know how that works. She called me such bad names and cursed me out, and i told her if she doesnt stop, i was going to hang up. She kept saying nasty things, and i told her again, and dshe kept going, so i hungup after i told her to lose my number and not contact me ever again. I havent had any other contact from her, and my husband either. It feels like a weight of my shoulders. I wish her the best but she cannot be a part of my life if she is acting like this. i also removed her from all socials.

So thats that, Sara and me are done. my husband is low contact, only if she calls/ messages him, which is never. Her parents are shocked at me, but i said im done. Her mom asked if I am going to tell Sara when I get pregnant, and I said no, she is welcome to tell her, and my husband can tell her if she wants, but I am not speaking to Sara again. Sara had her shower, and I sent 2 outfits for the babies, because I brought them before the phone call, and she texted in a group chat to say thank you and I just liked the message. I told my husband that if I am home, Sara is not welcome in my house.

Thats probably the last update from me. I dont think anything else will happen now that I am no contact. if anything, i will just comment on this post. I am not super active on reddit, so I am sorry if I dont reply. Thank you all for the support and messages. you made me realise that I am not the crazy one. you are the best!!

Comments

EyeRollingNow

I kept waiting for the update.…. Then I got to the end.

equimot

Just wait til August when it all comes out that sara was never pregnant and has been faking it the whole time

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not OP. That is who posted to relationship_advice

TW: sexual assault, verbal abuse

May 22nd, 2024

We were in bed last night and I was almost asleep when he started having sex with me. I was pretty un-aroused and tired so didn’t really react or make any sound. I don’t have a problem having sex late at night and don’t require verbal asking of permission, it just started feeling really odd after the two minute mark when he was still going and I hadn’t made a single sound.

Sort of dissociated thinking how weird it was and eventually just told him to stop and went to the bathroom. I’m not a man obviously but I feel like I probably wouldn’t be into having sex with someone that wasn’t into it or remotely receptive.

Is this common with men? I explained that it felt weird when I came back to bed and he said “oh, sorry”.

How do i go about dealing with this? It seems so bizarre.

edit: i was in therapy a few months ago after having a series of panic attacks during sex because I got triggered by something and couldn’t bring myself to say no for some reason. he knows about this so it feels somewhat relevant that he kept going anyway without stopping to ask if i was okay

editing again to say i made it crystal clear i was unhappy with what happened before i left the bedroom, and wasn’t remotely happy about it. my parting words were — that was weird. i’m a human being not a fucking fleshlight. what the fuck was that?”

Added Comments

Commenter

I usually just lurk but I’ve had this happen in two previous relationships, both long term partners.

The first began when I was really inexperienced and didn’t know whether it was normal or not… that relationship was abusive in a lot of ways (controlling/manipulation/emotional) and had a really unhealthy power dynamic. I didn’t realise until very late and left the relationship. He ticked all the narc boxes. Not sure if this feels familiar at all but he would literally start whilst I was asleep…

The second was similar although not abusive… or at least I wouldn’t call it that anyway. He also seemed to think consent was granted… I was in kind of a dark place though and probably rebounded with him. I did actually explain to him that I felt really uncomfortable with him just having sex with me whilst I was semi asleep or just not into it and that it felt non consensual. He later tried to pressure me into other things I wasn’t comfortable with and I ended the relationship for various reasons - that being one. Again, he wasn’t the nicest guy and I feel like that might be a pattern tbh.

I just wanted to say I’ve had this same thing with two guys, and you’re feeling that this is not okay is totally valid. Talk to him about it… but also maybe spend some time thinking about the rest of the relationship - do you feel taken for granted in other ways? How does he treat you otherwise?

OP

lol i’ve been saying for a while i feel taken for granted and unappreciated. didn’t even get me a card for mother’s day.

Commenter

Hmmm sounds like this might be more than just a sex problem… sorry you’re going through this! I’m not sure they mean to treat us like an object but that’s kind of exactly how it is. It’s as if they just think you’re there no matter what.

OP

holy fuck i was literally thinking this WORD FOR WORD when i opened your comment.

May 23rd, 2024

original post —

so he came home and said he wanted to find a way to resolve the situation. i asked him what the situation was and he said he didn’t know (common theme).

i explained, frustratedly, that i’ve felt for months that i’m putting more into the relationship than him and only receiving the bare minimum. he cut me off multiple times nitpicking random points then eventually started raising his voice like always. i told him not to and he stormed out of the room.

eventually stormed back in and said it was bullshit and that it’s “pretty fucking rich” to be saying he’s doing the bare minimum (didn’t get me a mother’s day card. didn’t comfort me when i was upset the other day. i’ve been asking for small gestures like picking a flower off a tree on his way home for months. still haven’t got one).

in response, i said it feels a bit rich to be so defensive and focusing on one specific detail of a point i’d barely started making when i’ve been searching for support on reddit all day while a bunch of strangers dissect whether i got raped or not.

he just lost his mind and started yelling at me about how i can go on reddit with my little keyboard warriors and he doesn’t give a fuck because i said he does the bare minimum. then he slammed the door and turned all the lights off outside so i guess he’s sleeping on the couch?

———

• UPDATE * — he just got home. gave me flowers he’d picked off a tree and said he was sorry for the way he dealt with his anger. we don’t have time to talk rn because the kids are destroying the house so i guess ill post another update when they’re asleep and we’ve spoken?

• i’m not stupid though. some flowers and a one second apology are the bare minimum.

———

• UPDATE 2 * — kids went to bed. he sat on the couch watching youtube videos for three hours and didn’t say a word to me. then he came into the bedroom and said “i’m going to bed”

• i told him i’m done planning the vow renewal ceremony i’ve been planning entirely by myself for months (that HE wanted) and if he cares so much he can do it all himself (he won’t. he can’t). then i left the room and he closed the door and went to bed. that’s it. no surprises. just the bare fucking minimum.

———

• final update * — i feel like a blindfolds been ripped off my eyes and im suddenly seeing all these details of prior events and im just reeling. like one time i think he might actually have semi raped me when he had complete emotional leverage over me and knew it and i felt i literally couldn’t say no and he came inside me without asking and i just burst into tears afterwards. ended up with a chemical pregnancy and it was awful. like i could go on and on and on im fkn shellshocked rn.

• someone on here sent me a link to an ebook about abuse and there were so many things in it describing his behaviour and i just feel like a fucking idiot. the time he pinned me to the floor by my shoulders and screamed in my face while our baby was watching. the time he called me a fat bitch postpartum. the time i found out while pregnant that he’d cheated on me prior and multiple times. i could just go on.

• i’ll probably be deleting my account in the morning i just can’t take anymore. thanks for the advice. don’t be a fucking idiot like me.

Added Comments

Commenter

Whatever you do, if you're staying 'for the kids' DON'T! Get that out of your head. Your kids will grow up seeing the way dad treats mom and think that's okay. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that way? That that's how marriage and 'love' should be?

OP

lol i left him a couple of years ago and took the kids with me. suddenly feeling strangely similar to how life was before that happened.

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

The on the topic.

[(-2 votes)] () Trump was just handed the Presidency

(unknown votes) Because you're in a cult

(unknown votes) RemindMe! 179 days

Complaints about a susposed lack of a fair trial

A republican on trial in a very left loony liberal infested blue state,hmmm,wonder why he didn’t get a fair trial?

[(2 votes)] () Getting on Twitter to break his gag order 11 times to say bad things about the judge and jurors didn't help his case

(1 vote) They were all against him from the start,there’s no way he could have gotten a fair trial

Political neutrality?

[(-28 votes)] () Regardless of who you are intending to vote for, this sets a dangerous precedent. Frankly this isn’t justice, but a parody of such.

(22 votes) Charging someone with crimes they committed? I’d say it’s a fantastic precedent. Nobody should be above the law.

Conservative

Reddit is going to be insufferable.

(58 votes) This is leftist's Christmas, granted Christmas is offensive to them and Trump still wont see the inside of a jail cell, Judge Merchan said last week he has no intent on jailing Trump.

Crazy that they found him guilty on ALL 34 charges

(1520 votes) Not really, it was basically the same charge 34 times.

If Trump wins, I hope he learned a valuable lesson here.

If they can come for him on bogus charges, they can come after anyone. This is a dark day.

Fuck Joe Biden, this will lead to civil war

1 down, 3 to go. Looking forward to the saga...

NeoLiberal

You know who else was "guilty"?

Mandela

Gandhi

Debs

This isn't the own you dumb libs think it is

Next we can get Biden

A stickied moderator post brings out debates on whether its sarcastic or not

Today is a shameful day in American history. Democrats cheered as they convicted the leader of the opposing party on ridiculous charges, predicated on the testimony of a disbarred, convicted felon. This was a purely political exercise, not a legal one.

The weaponization of our justice system has been a hallmark of the Biden Administration, and the decision today is further evidence that Democrats will stop at nothing to silence dissent and crush their political opponents.

The American people see this as lawfare, and they know it is wrong—and dangerous. President Trump will rightfully appeal this absurd verdict—and he WILL WIN!

Get over it, Trump is a criminal and you're a fool for pretending otherwise. He did it, he gets to serve the time.

(7 votes) (The person posting this is a moderator shitposting)

(-2 votes) Can't be a shitposter without being a shitty person to begin with. My comment stays.

Is this sarcastic?

Believe it or not, that is Speaker Mike Johnson's statement on twitter regarding the guilty verdict.

The mod is being facetious, yeah.

I can't tell anymore. I'm pretty sure, but it's impossible to tell.

An off-topic coment

Wait, so I was reading through the sub and like, are you guys ironic or do you actually believe this crap?

Edit: I looked it up and it turned out the mod was indeed quoting what Mike Johnson said on

Emotional affair with a colleague

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Editor's Note: changed the initial "M" to Mike

  July 15, 2022

I joined a company three years ago as a junior engineer. A year after that, my senior colleague, let’s call him Mike, joined the company as a principal engineer, which is technically my boss. I am 33 and he is 42. At first our relationship was extremely professional. But then we started staying late for work and I started asking him about his health issues and his family (he has a wife and three kids while I’m single). It was casual conversation but over the past two years it became deeper.

His interest in me became apparent when he started texting me and talking to me every day at work for an hour at my table. Due to some issues regarding my promotion (which I wasn’t getting) and this weird relationship with Mike, I decided to join another company and put in my resignation. Mike didn’t take it too well and went above and beyond to talk to the company heads to retain me and give me my promotion. Although flattered, I still went ahead with my resignation.

After I left, Mike started calling me to meet him for coffee “as a friend.” I’m not going to lie, I went to meet him a couple of times for coffee or just drives and realized I liked talking to him. When I asked him if his wife would mind this, he said he has an open dialogue with his wife and she knows about him meeting me. He said he isn’t unhappy in his marriage. He admires his wife but he finds our conversations fascinating. He also said he finds me to be a very genuine person because I speak my mind and I want to help people. I found it weird about his wife knowing, but made it clear that we would just talk and nothing more.

I know in this situation I am “the other woman” but he’s the only person I know who actually listens to me. My problems, my issues, my stories. Is that wrong that I like meeting him for this purpose only?

He recently confessed that he loves me but won’t pursue anything. Whenever I tell him I go on dates with other guys, he gets jealous but then says he can’t do anything because he has no rights on me. I’m just confused and lost! I like talking to him because he listens whereas nobody else gives a damn about me since they are preoccupied with their lives! But am I being too naive and falling for the age old trick of older man seducing younger woman? Please help.

  Dec 12, 2022

So ever since I read the response from you and your readers on my situation, I told the guy that I didn’t want to continue anything further and told him to respect my space. He even went a step further telling me that he loved me and asked me to think about being his second wife! That was kind of my breaking point where I had my “oh what the hell am I doing” moment. When I gave him a resounding “ABSOLUTELY NOT” response he wasn’t too happy about it! He later clarified that he wasn’t actually IN love with me, just liked my company as “a friend.” I still stuck to my gut and said no! There were a LOT of pleases and convincing from his side but I told him it was over.

We do occasionally meet at some colleagues’ parties or when we go out with our colleagues once in a while for drinks but I kind of keep my interaction with him to a bare minimum. I have been taking a sabbatical from dating and men for now and focus on my other goals! :) I hope one day I will be ready to meet new guys and start something fresh, stable and healthy! till then- Here’s hoping for it! :) Thank you for all your help.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 26th May 2024

- 27th May 2024

AITAH for wanting a divorce when my wife said she was tempted to cheat on me?

For background, I (33M) and my wife "Kate" (32F) have been married for eight years. We have one child (M3), who was unplanned but not unwelcome.

When my wife found out that she was pregnant, it obviously came as a surprise to us. She had been taking birth control ever since we started dating, since we agreed that we were not financially ready to have a kid. However, after being married for five years and advancing our careers, we felt like we could make it work. Thus, we decided to keep the child, and began planning for the next phase of our lives.

Prior to Kate getting pregnant, she worked as a waitress at a local restaurant, making just above minimum wage once tips were factored in. On the other hand, I am a construction worker who made 2-3 times more than her at the time. We lived in a decent apartment, but we agreed that we would need a real house to have the space for our child, so we began looking for our first home.

During that process, and as Kate's pregnancy went further along, she quit her job to focus on preparing for the baby. We found a house that we liked, but it was more expensive than I was hoping for. I make good money working construction, but having to fund two people, a new mortage, and buy all the supplies a baby needs is not easy. I began putting in more hours at work to be able to afford everything, resulting in me being able to spend less time at home with my wife.

The baby finally comes, and he's a healthy little boy. I couldn't be more proud, but once he was born, Kate began to change. She was more tired and stressed, having to care for a newborn, which I don't blame her at all for. I know kids are a lot of work; I essentially had to raise my little brother who was ten years younger than me growing up. However, Kate would also complain that I wasn't around very often, and that when I was home, I wouldn't help with the baby as much as she thought I should. I explained to her that to be able to afford the house, the baby, and the two of us by myself, I had to put a lot of extra hours in, and when I come home every day, I am exhausted. I lift heavy shit for a living; I'm lucky to be able to make it through the day without my back being terribly sore.

Still, I tried to help out more. I changed diapers where I could, fed the baby where I could, etc. The one thing I refused to do was get up in the middle of the night, which is something I know upsets her. My reasoning is that I'm barely getting five hours of sleep a night, and if I get any less, I'm going to be an utter wreck on the job. If that happens and I get less hours or even get fired, we're financially screwed.

As time went on, we kept making it work, and eventually things get less crazy and stressful. The older the kid gets, the less constant attention and work he needs from us. That's not saying caring for a toddler is easy, but it's easier than caring for an infant who can't sleep through the night. Two months ago, Kate suggested that she get a regular job again, and that we use the extra income to pay for a nanny, and in general help with the expenses. I agreed, because I was exhausted and the idea of being able to put in less overtime sounded great.

Fast forward to last night, and Kate has been working as a cashier for six weeks now, we've hired a nanny, and the money situation isn't nearly as tight. I was able to work less, though with Kate working now, I'm not able to see her in the mornings, which is usually when I would see her due to how my shifts work. I thought things were going great, until Kate sits me down last night to have a conversation.

She admitted to me that there's a guy at her work who's been flirting with her, despite knowing she's married. He's funny, easygoing, handsome, etc. She said that he asked if she was available to go on a date behind my back, and though she said no, she was "sorely tempted" to say yes. This blindsided me then, but now that I've had a day to think about it, I think I can see how this happened. She was always upset that I wasn't home very often, wasn't there to help and support her with the kid, and so on. Our current arrangement allowed me to have more energy when I came home, but since she leaves for work in the morning before I wake up, the actual duration of time I see her each day has shrunk even further.

I think that the reason she was tempted by this guy at work is that he's giving her the attention she wants from me. I can understand that, but it also pissed me off. Frankly, I've been busting my ass for three years to afford our child, the house she wanted, and her ability to be a stay-at-home mom. I've been working 10 or 12 hour days six days a week to afford this, and she's tempted by some guy at work after knowing him for six weeks. I felt betrayed, more than I ever have before.

I asked to see her phone, and she gave it to me without resistance. I went through all her contacts, deleted messages, everything, and didn't find anything suspicious. I don't believe that she actually cheated and is only pretending to be "tempted" to, but I suppose it's possible. She seemed genuinely remorseful during our conversation, but that didn't make it feel any better. I told her in the heat of the moment that I want a divorce, and this caused her to break down in tears and beg me to stay. She asked if I would tear our family apart over just the idea of her cheating, and I threw her words back in her face and said I was "sorely tempted." I then went to bed and ignored her attempts to get me to talk, since I had work today, the work that has kept our family afloat for the last three years, and more if you want to count the five years I spent making 3 times more than her.

I thought about this all day today, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't get over the idea of my wife wanting to cheat with the first man she's spent any extended time with in three years. She asked me if I was going to throw it all away over a feeling, but she was going to do the same damn thing with guy from work. She's angry that I got angry at her in the moment, but I think I have good reason to be furious.

AITAH?

EDIT: After reading through many of the comments here, I've decided that I'm going to have a thorough conversation with my wife before taking any harsh action like divorce. I feel, or maybe I just hope, that there's still a chance for us to be happy and healthy together, despite everything that's happened.

For starters, I'm going to tell her how I truly feel about all this, not just what I was thinking in the heat of the moment when she told me about what happened with the guy from work. It fucking hurts to know that my wife was sorely tempted by some stranger she met six weeks ago after being married for eight years and having a son together. I've busted my ass literally and figuratively to be able to afford everything, and I feel like she hasn't been appreciating that. I understand that she's been busy at home taking care of the kid, but if we were to trade jobs for a day, I highly suspect she would change her tune regarding the division of work and effort that we've been putting in.

Also, I plan to tell her that I want her to quit her job immediately. Even if she wasn't tempted at all, I don't want her around the type of scumbag man to take advantage of married women. If she doesn't agree to this, then I will have to assume that there's more between and guy at work than she's letting on.

Lastly, I want to discuss what needs to be done in our relationship to mend it at this point. As many commenters have pointed out, she's almost certainly feeling Ionely and neglected with how little time we get to spend together, but I'm not sure how we can improve that while maintaining our current lifestyle. If I'm going to be supporting our family on my own, then I simply won't have time to spend with her during the week. A few commenters suggested she get a job with hours that align with mine so that we're home at the same time, and honestly that sounds like it could be a partial solution to this. Even if it's just a few hours a day where we can both be home, and I'm not falling-over tired, it would be better than what we have now. And as she slowly gets raises and promotions, I'll be able to work less and devote more time to her and our son.

I'll probably update this post tomorrow once we have that conversation, but for now, I need to get to sleep. Thank you everyone for all the feedback and advice, truly.

Comments

narfle_the_garthak

You have every right to be upset. But I have to caution against letting that anger blind you to a possible silver lining. She was asked by a guy at work to date behind your back. She said no. She told you. She even expressed that she was tempted. Slap in the face? Maybe. Or is it a wake up call fo you both to get off your asses and fix your relationship? You have a house and a kid, and you're both working to make it work, but it sounds like you mighr also be letting your relationship fall by the way side to facilitate all that.

You fell in love. Got married. And because of that, had a child. That relationship is worth working on too. And you might have to work as hard, if not harder to make that work as well.

You both deserve that.

GuaranteeComfortable

This is it. She needs your emotional and mental help. Not just financial. She came to you, which means she love you and respects you. She clearly cares about the relationship. She was being honest with you. She told you because it bothered her and most likely gave her a wake up call as well.

Instead of feeling angry, she loves you enough to come to you instead of just cheating behind your back. A marriage is more then providing financially. You need to prioritize your marriage above your job otherwise, you will end up divorced.

Update - 1 day later

Before I get into the update, I need to clarify something that many commenters were asking about on the initial post. I edited that post as well, but decided I should put the explanation here as well. Many people have been asking how my wife getting a job was able to pay for a nanny and me reducing my work hours slightly.

The answer is that we live in the northeastern USA, where minimum wages are good (relatively speaking), and that "nanny" was a poor choice of words on my part. She's more of an informal babysitter, not an official job. She's a college student who wanted to make some money while taking online classes, without dealing with the hassle of getting a real job. My wife makes around $16 per hour with a standard 40 hour work week, while we pay the babysitter $10 per hour for five hours per day, five days a week. After taxes on my wife's income and paying for the babysitter, we have around $900 a month left over that has allowed me to reduce my hours slightly.

Now, for the update. I called in sick to work today, which is something I rarely ever do, and asked my wife to do the same so we could sit down and talk about everything. She agreed, and this morning we had a long, heartfelt discussion. I told her that I was sorry for what I said in the heat of the moment. I don't want to divorce her, I was angry and hurt and wasn't thinking about the damage threatening divorce would do.

I told her that I understand things have been difficult for us the last three years, but I was shocked that she would be "sorely tempted" to cheat on me after just six weeks with some random guy at her job. I told her that having been the sole, or at least the main provider for our family pretty much the entire time we've known each other, I felt like I wasn't being appreciated enough for the work and effort I've been putting in.

She said she felt the same way, that she felt like she was struggling thanklessly since I was never around to be with her. I told her that that was only the case because I had to make enough money to pay for the kid and the house she wanted. (And before anyone tries to twist my words, I love my son dearly. I am not simply "putting up" with him because she wanted to keep him.) If I took less overtime to see her and help with the kid more often, we'd have trouble keeping the lights on. We both agreed that we needed more time with each other at home, but talking out how to make that happen took awhile.

Eventually, I told her that I stand by what I said to her when we first bought the house we are currently in: it is too much house for us. It's a two-bedroom, two-bath house with more area than we need, and the mortage and property taxes are too high. I brought this up when we first looked at the house, but my wife insisted that this would be the perfect house for our family to grow up in, and that once it was paid off, we would be set. But seeing how much we've struggled to afford this house while slowly falling apart physically and mentally, I think she understands now that it's too much.

After some prodding, I convinced her that we need to start looking for a house to downsize into. Selling our current house will give us enough cash to pay off the mortgage, though not by much. Once we're in a smaller home with smaller expenses, I won't have to work as much, meaning we can spend more time together as a couple and a family. She told me that she "just wanted [my name] back," and I honestly almost cried hearing how much she meant it. I was so focused on work and paying the bills that I lost sight of what we needed as a couple, and our marriage very nearly imploded because of it.

The final issue to address was her job, and more specifically the scumbag who was hitting on her while knowing she was married. Given our current financial situation, it would be stupid to make her quit her job and go back to staying at home, plus it would probably only make her feel trapped again since she only recently got back out into the world after bring a SAHM. However, I can't stand the thought of that guy even looking at my wife, especially since I know she harbored some sort of interest at some point, even if it came from loneliness and desperation.

I told her that at the very least, she needs to report the guy to management/HR and ask for different hours so that they are never in the building at the same time. If that happens, then there's no reason for her to just quit, but if that doesn't happen, then I'll be helping her look for a new job immediately.

Things are still difficult right now, but as I type this a couple hours after the conversation, I think we've pulled back from the point of no return. We're both just taking the day to calm down and think rationally about what needs to happen to get our financial and personal relationship back on track, but I'm hopeful. Thank you so much to all the people who gave advice and constructive criticism. I know lots of you suggested couples' therapy, and while I'm considering it, that's another big expense I don't want to take on right now unless it's absolutely necessary. If things continue to improve between my wife and me, then I won't waste the money, but if things start to stagnate or get worse again, then I'll bite the bullet and suggest getting professional help to her.

Comments

3bag

Fantastic update! Most of us were rooting for you. Isn't it wonderful when sitting down like a grown up and having a conversation works out!? So glad for you both.

OOP: Yeah, I see now that this conversation was needed a while ago. Both of us trying to just push through it nearly ruined everything. Thank you for the kind words.

Recent_Data_305

Honestly, I’ve never been “tempted to cheat,” but I have had dreams of just running away and starting over somewhere. Not recently - back when we were burning candles at both ends raising kids. You are at one the most difficult points in marriage.

I think both of you are just overwhelmed and making poor word choices when you argue. If you both commit to working together to build a life - you can make it together.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [15M] dad [47M] remarried and I've lost everything I had to my new step siblings [16F-11M-10M] who treat me horribly.

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU and for finding the links

TRIGGER WARNING: Neglect

  May 14, 2016

My dad married my step mother 3 months ago and I feel like it made my life significantly harder and less pleasant. They moved in with us and for the indefinite future this situation will not change.

We have a 3 bedroom house and before they moved in, my dad and I had our rooms (both with bathrooms) and there was a smaller room which was a study for my dad. After they moved in, Jenny [16F, turning 17 next month] got my room, and I had to share the smaller room with Tom [11M] and Mike [10M]. All my books, my telescope, my stuff are packed and in the basement now since there's no space anymore. This made me real angry but my dad told me that I have to be a team player and this is what him and his wife agreed on.

Jenny treats me like shit. She sometimes acts as if I'm not there at all, and sometimes is super aggressive and hostile towards me. The other I asked Tom to stop going through my things and she became so angry that "I have no right to order her brother around", she told me to get it in my thick scull that I'm not their big brother to tell them what to do, even though all I asked was for them to stop going through my things. She said it's best if I don't talk to them at all since that way they will get less influence from a weirdo like me. What I don't get is that if she's so concerned that I might leave a bad influence on Tom and Mike why doesn't she take them into her room?

Tom and Mike don't respect any boundaries. They're always through my stuff. I have a watch which was a gift from my mother (she died of cancer) and they took it from my drawer and lost it. I found it weeks later in the basement with its front glass broken.

Before they moved in I used to get a $100 allowance every month. Now Jenny gets $75, I get $35 and Tom and Mike each get $30. I had an Xbox but these kids broke it down.

I used to spend a lot of time with my dad. He used to come see me play basketball almost every week, he hasn't done it even once in the past three months since he's always working overtime. We eat out once a week and none of them in these three months have been to any of my favorite places, but Jenny, Tom and Mike have each chosen their favorites more than once.

I complained about all of it to my father last week and he told me that family is all about sacrifices, and I have to make mine. Haven't I made enough sacrifices already? I feel like I'm the only one making sacrifices. I looked forward to them moving in here but I now feel like an outsider at home, it's not my home anymore.

Life has become very difficult for me. I spend as much time as I can outside because inside is so frustrating but this is causing problems as well. My dad keeps telling me that not being around means I'm not accepting them as part of the family while in reality it's the opposite. So I get grounded for not being around, and being around is horrible.

I don't want to live here anymore but I'm only 15 and can't move out. I have nobody else who can take me in. I can't stay here for 3 more years. I'll go crazy. I often fantasize about running away at night but I know that's also as horrible if not even more.

I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me a suggestion?

tl;dr: Father remarried and his wife and three kids moved in. They've taken over my room, my things, my space, my budget and treat me horribly. I feel frustrated and very unhappy here. I don't know what to do to make my life a little easier.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OliviaPresteign

It sounds like Jenny is the biggest problem. If she's 17, is the plan for her to move out soon? Maybe you can talk to your dad about getting your own room and having the two younger boys share.

OOP

She's not going to move out. She will live at home when she goes to college. Parents already have given her the permission to do this.

Femme0879

I'd show him this post. Maybe if he sees how strangers are sticking up for you than your own FATHER it might change his tune.

~

Darkosaurus

First of all: who came up with the stupid idea of giving three people the smaller room and your step sister the larger one?

Your father really needs to get his mind straight. Yes, you have to make some sacrifices, but so do the other children! He does not want to discipline them though to look good in front of your step mum, but that needs to stop.

Did you tell him about the watch? Breaking such an important piece of memory is extremely rude. Try to stand up for yourself as well as you can and call them out on their behaviour. Maybe your step mother will finally start to say something.

EDIT: spelling; also --> start to EDIT 2: Apart from that, the age gap of one year to your step sister justifies a 40$ difference, whereas the 4/5 year age gap to your step brother justifies a 5$ difference?!

OOP

"First of all: who came up with the stupid idea of giving three people the smaller room and your step sister the larger one?"

They thought Jenny is older and needs more personal space and her own bathroom. I disagreed but was eventually told to deal with it.

  June 3, 2016

OK. A LOT has happened.

I decided to just ask my dad and step mother for some time to talk to them and I just showed them my post on reddit. They took a good half an hour reading it. There were times that it looked like they were going to start crying. Eventually they told me that they need more time and we'll talk about it in a couple of days.

Two nights later, my dad asked me to come to their room and to make it short, they got it. They both hugged me and at some point my step mother started crying. They apologized to me for their negligence and told me that they fucked this up. They put all their attention and focus on helping my step siblings adjust given the new living arrangement and everything and neglected how difficult it must have been for me. They promised me that things will change.

About the room arrangement, they realized that it's not reasonable. So they offered me the basement as a lot of you suggested. We went to the store and bought a lot of supplies and made it a family exercise for everyone to contribute refurbishing the basement and making it like a bedroom. So I'll have my own room now. It won't have a bathroom like before but I can really share a bathroom with the boys. That's not a problem.

The money allowance changed as well. It was Jenny $75, me $35 and Mike and Tom $30 each. Now it's Jenny $60, me $50 and the boys $30 each. So $15 from Jenny comes to me now. I think it's much more fair. It's not as good as the $100 I used to have but this arrangement is something I can easily understand and accept.

Now to Jenny. Well. My step mother told me that Jenny's problem is not me. It's that her mother married and she doesn't like that because she was hopeful that she would return to her dad. Now she's trying to make this not work and I'm just in her crosshairs. Apparently she's been a little B to my dad as well. She promised me that she will handle Jenny and make sure she won't be a problem.

Now to the boys. This is the most difficult one as they're 10 and 11. They gave me a small lock so I can lock my bag for now, and when the basement is ready (which will be in a couple of weeks) I can lock its door and only me and the parents will have the key. So at least my stuff will be safe.

About other things, they also made little changes to make things easier. They told me that I can come to them for any problems and my dad promised me some father son time every couple of weeks as well.

I was happy with everything. They addressed most of the issues and found solutions and so far done their best to do everything that they promised.

Jenny came to me a few nights later and asked if I would come with her for a walk in the neighborhood as she wanted to talk to me. So we went and she apologized to me for everything and told me that she didn't and still doesn't like that her mom married my dad and she was forwarding her anger and frustration towards me (the only person she could) which was not right. She said that I'm probably going through similar things as she does and really there's no reason for us to make each other's lives even more difficult than it already is. So I accepted her apology and we shook hands on being on the same team from now on. And honestly she's been very different ever since. She's helping me a lot in preparing the basement and she makes Tom and Mike help as well. The other day when I asked Tom to turn down the TV volume and he refused, she told him to "listen to your big brother". Yeah, good things! I hope she remains this way.

Overall things are A LOT better. I trust my step mother a lot more now. Jenny is much better than before and we're becoming more and more like a family and the place looks and feels like home again.

Thanks for all your suggestions and help. I owe you all a lot.

tl;dr: Showed parents the original post. They got it and decided to make things right. I'm getting the basement now, I'm getting more allowance, step mother talked to Jenny and she's much better. I'm gonna get some alone time with my dad every two weeks. Most of the problems seem to have been sorted out as best as they could have been.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Thanks to for finding this BORU

- 27th May 2024

- 28th May 2024

AITA for embarrassing my parents for forgetting my birthday?

I (F33) just had my birthday last week. The only problem is that no one in my family remembered. My maternal grandfather passed away about a month ago and my entire family (mom, dad, and 2 younger brothers) flew back to my mother’s home country for the funeral. I, unfortunately, could not go as I’ve only recently started a new job. I wasn’t particularly close to my grandfather so I wasn’t too upset about staying behind.

My family was gone for a total of 22 days and we FaceTimed and stayed in constant communication during their trip. I think it’s great that my mom got to reconnect with family and that my brothers got a chance to meet everyone. They got back last Wednesday and have been readjusting due to jet lag since then (understandably).

My birthday was last Friday (2 days) after they got back. TBH, I wasn’t expecting more than birthday wishes from everyone, but the day past without a word from anyone. Was I annoyed? Sure. But I wasn’t too upset. I’m not the biggest birthday person. I ended up having a nice birthday dinner with my boyfriend and a few friends.

All hell broke loose Saturday afternoon when I got a really angry phone call from my dad. I guess my boyfriend did a special IG post for me and my brothers saw it and showed my parents. I had no idea he did this as he isn’t a big poster. Anyway, I could hear my mom crying in the background while my dad laid into me saying that they were sorry they forgot, but not saying anything and then posting about it online was passive aggressive and mean.

I told him that I wasn’t upset and that I didn’t think a 33rd birthday was that big a deal anyway. He said a few more things before abruptly ending the call. I didn’t hear from my family the rest of the weekend.

Today (Monday) I woke up to a bunch of notifications. I guess my mom did a Facebook post talking about ungrateful kids and how I ruined their surprise party for me and tagged me. My extended family seemed to agree that I was a jerk. I’ve tried calling my mom, but she didn’t answer so I posted my own reply and said “You guys forgot and no one wished me a happy birthday unless you count dad calling and yelling at me”. Both of my parents have been calling all morning, but I don’t want to take their calls yet. AITA?

EDIT: I couldn’t post the update to this sub since it’s a bit long, but you can find it in my profile. Thank you for the birthday wishes!

Comments

Britt_Scherrer

NTA. Seems like they are trying to make you feel guilty for nothing. Were they really planning a surprise birthday party as per your mom's Facebook post?

OOP: I have no idea. I asked my boyfriend about it and he said no one contacted him about it, but who knows.

Fianna9

Doesn’t seem likely. If they knew about your birthday and had something planned they would have just asked you over Saturday and “surprise!”

Sounds like they are covering up that they forgot by trying to blame you

embopbopbopdoowop

NTA That their reaction is to get mad at and guilt trip you (for what? Having a boyfriend who makes a declaration of love on social media?!) to avoid having to feel any guilt or take any responsibility speaks volumes.

Surprise party? To quite venerated philosopher Cher Horowitz, AS IF.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 day later

Hi all,

I tried posting this on the AITA sub, but it’s too long. I’ve been reading as many comments as I can. I do have a quick update, but I wanted to address some questions:

1. My boyfriend’s post: He had no idea that my parents hadn’t acknowledged my birthday until my dad called. I never mentioned it because, again, I wasn’t angry. The post was just a picture of us at the restaurant with my birthday cheesecake. The caption verbatim was, “Blessed to see you make another trip around the sun. I love you!” There was no mention of anything else. I also wasn’t aware of the post until my dad called about it.

2. This is very out of character for either of my parents which is why I’m not going to go no-contact. The way everything escalated is bizarre, but it gives me a better understanding of the situation. Hopefully it will for everyone else as well.

Onto the update:

After everything happened yesterday I told my boyfriend about the FB thing and he agreed that I should just not deal with it for the day. I turned my phone off and just chilled out. Around 6pm my boyfriend got a text from my brothers asking if they could come by because they wanted to see me and bring me the candy they brought back for me. I agreed and they came over… along with my parents.

At this point, I was annoyed to see my parents, but we let everyone in. My boyfriend made sure I was alright, and took my brothers out back so I could be alone with my parents. My mom started crying immediately and sobbed out an “I’m sorry”. I don’t know about you, but seeing my mom cry started to make me cry. My dad then explained what happened. Apparently they absolutely forgot about my birthday (again understandable).

My paternal aunt had come over on Saturday to see my parents. It’s worth noting that she does NOT like my mom for whatever reason. Since he’s been around for last 4 years, my boyfriend follows my brothers and a few of my cousins and vice versa. My cousins saw the post, showed my aunt and she asked my mom how my birthday went. (Side note, my extended family did reach out to wish me happy birthday, they just didn’t know my family forgot).

I guess my mom was caught out and my aunt went in on her being a bad mother and all that and saying at least I have my boyfriend. My dad got upset, told my aunt to leave and said they already had something planned (they didn’t). That’s when he called me. They never saw the post , and I was wrong thinking my brothers showed them. My dad said he felt awful for yelling at me and apologized, but explained that he hated seeing his wife so upset.

They took the weekend to cool down, but as many of you guessed, my mom tried to save face via FB. She explained that she didn’t think I would see it since I’m not usually on. What she didn’t realize is that when she typed my name in the post, my user name populated thus tagging me. She was shocked and embarrassed when I responded and started getting calls and texts from the extended family.

She came clean to my dad about it and that’s when they tried calling, but I wouldn’t answer. My mom looked very distraught and I just told her that everything was ok and that I’m sorry that I responded the way I did. It’s evident that she’s taking her father’s passing extremely hard and I don’t want to pile more onto her.

Now’s not the time. My dad said it’s was few days late, but he’d love to order pizza and just hang out. I agreed. My boyfriend and brothers came inside and we spent a few hours listening to stories about my grandfather and my mom’s childhood. It’s definitely a birthday I won’t forget, but I guess alls well that ends well?

I would like to point out that we do NOT like my dad’s sister. She’s an awful person, but my cousins are amazing so my dad tolerates her. My mom can usually handle herself around my aunt, but she’s in a really vulnerable state which is how this escalated. I’ll probably talk to her about again, just not anytime soon Also, thank you for the birthday wishes!

Comments

Western_Aioli_2767

Not saying you should cut your parents off by any means, but this is the most half-assed apology. Your father called and screamed at you because he forgot your birthday. Your mother made up a fake party and called you an ungrateful brat on the internet, thinking you'd never see, so that you'd look like an asshole. Their insults were incredibly public and nasty, and their apology was secretive.

I'd ask for an apology as public as the insult. I'm sure they are embarrassed they forgot. They should be. Sure, your mom's father died, but that's no excuse for DAD to forget. And if they'd forgotten or been off on the date because of jetlag, that would've been one thing. That's not what happened, though.

Razzlesndazzles

It sounds like there were some extenuating circumstances including being lambasted by someone as well as just recently burying a family member. They have recognized they made an awful mistake and are clearly incredibly remorseful. As op said her mom was in a vulnerable state so her dad likely forgot because he was focused on his wife's grief.

Does this justify their behavior? No, does it make it ok? No, but the goal of remorse and apologies is to make sure the behavior doesn't repeat and since this isn't a pattern for them, they don't usually do this, there were extenuating circumstances and most importantly they they feel bad about what they did, I doubt this will be a recurring situation so I see no benefit to continue beating this dead horse. Op is handling this in a great way, she she really wouldn't accomplish anything by pressing the matter further except making them even more like shit, and it's not like they are treating it like it's NBD. If it still bothers her months later she can bring it up again when mom isn't as distraught.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

my boss collected money for flowers for me … and then kept it for herself

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a loved one, fraud, abuse of authority

  Jan 25, 2023

Unfortunately, seven weeks ago my dear grandmother passed away at 91. A coworker of mine told me our supervisor collected money from our team for flowers as condolences for her death. No flowers were delivered from my supervisor and team to the funeral home.

Two weeks after the funeral, I found out a florist in town didn’t deliver all their orders for my grandmother’s funeral. I sent my supervisor a text explaining the flower mix-up we had experienced. In the text, I told her I was worried about not sending my gratitude to her and the team, as I never got the flowers. Also, I wanted to make sure she and the team were not out the money because of the inept florist. I included my appreciation for her and the team thinking of me. My supervisor replied she didn’t order any flowers for the funeral, telling me not to worry and thankfully they were not lost. Instead, she was planning to send something else to my new husband and I as a condolence. Then she added a flippant, “Sorry I haven’t gotten there yet.”

Now it has been seven weeks since my grandmother’s passing and four weeks since I sent the text about the flowers to my supervisor. My supervisor didn’t follow through with sending my team’s condolences for the death of my grandmother. My husband and I have not received anything from my supervisor or the team, but my boss still has their money, which is technically theft.

Also, I’m feeling hurt by her lack of regard to my emotions about losing a very close loved one. My grandmother passed away 15 days after my wedding, which she couldn’t attend due to the injury which led to her death. She was going to be the flower girl in our non-traditional ceremony. All of which I shared with my boss. It was a roller coaster of emotions in a short time frame!

I’m uncertain of my course of action here. Should I go to HR? What should I say? My boss didn’t take my money, but she did take my coworkers money and didn’t send their condolences. Do I tell HR I’m being treated unfairly, as my boss didn’t send me condolences like she has to others? She’s made sure to send prompt bereavement gestures (within two weeks) for my coworkers with the family losses they’ve experienced in the past. It’s not like it’s required or expected for her or my coworkers to send condolences, though it is a considerate thing to do.

I feel going to HR will make our already challenging relationship even worse and she will be supported by them. HR will see it as a personal matter and she was just forgetful. She may get a small slap on the wrist, but I will pay big as the employee that tattled on her (our team is only seven people so she’ll definitely know it was me).

Do I ask her again about sending the flowers/gift? It already felt awkward when I contacted her before about the flowers, especially after her dismissive response. Also, I’m not certain how to approach it because it’s a gesture of caring and other people’s money that I’m asking her about. It just feels icky!

Many people are telling me to just let it go, but others are saying she committed theft and to report her to HR. What do you think is the best way to handle the situation?

  Nov 27, 2023 (10 months later)

I talked to two of my most trustworthy coworkers. One being the person who told me she thought my supervisor was sending the flowers for my grandmother’s funeral. I expressed to them I had not received any condolences from my boss on their behalf and expressed my gratitude for their contributions when my grandmother passed.

Both asked me if I felt they should mention anything to our supervisor. I told them that was up to their own discretion. I stopped there and decided to not pursue anything with HR. I felt like it was more important to move on. At least, I was able to say thank you to my closest colleagues.

Then before our first staff meeting of the 2023 new year, our team was chatting together about our upcoming plans. I said that my husband and I were going to Florida in a few weeks to see my parents. This included visiting with my grandfather, who at 90 decided live in Florida with my parents after losing my grandmother. I had mentioned this new living situation to my supervisor and colleagues prior to this meeting.

I kid you not, my supervisor after I shared my upcoming plans asks me, “How’s your grandma doing in Florida?” (Wait. What?!? Grandma?) I quickly and rather coldly replied, “My grandmother has passed.” My supervisor got bright red and tried her best to cover her tracks by saying, “Oh yeah, I meant your grandpa. I got confused for just a moment.”

I said nothing more. I didn’t even acknowledge her clumsy attempts to correct herself. An uncomfortably long pause of weirdness loomed over the room for a while before conversation resumed. My most confidential coworker afterwards expressed to me how cringy it was to witness. My supervisor knew she had inconsiderately asked me about the well being of dead person. On top of that, she knew she was sitting on money collected to give the team’s condolences for my grandmother’s passing.

At beginning of March I received a text out of the blue from my supervisor stating in a very professional manner, “I am so sorry, I just realized I have been remiss in sending a condolence gift from our team for your grandmother.” Included was a $25 gift card to Starbucks.

I sent the following text of gratitude the team’s texting thread: “Thank you everyone for the $25 gift card to Starbucks in memory of my grandmother passing in October. I appreciate the thoughtfulness!”

My supervisor only five months down the road and after sticking her own foot in her mouth did finally produce the gift. In the end, she made good on her responsibility and promise to our team to provide a gift on their behalf. However, not before embarrassing herself in front of her team and giving me the opportunity to point out her massive tardiness.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Thanks to for finding this BORU

- 20th May 2024

- 28th May 2024

AITAH for refusing to pay for my stepkid's private school?

Context: I (30f) have been with my partner (36m) for 4 years and we have a 2 year old child together. I have 5 year old twins, full time custody as their dad passed away, and he has 2 children (7,12), who he has 50/50 custody of.

I was brought up in a pretty wealthy family where me and my siblings attended private school, and this was something that I valued and wanted any future children of mine to attend also. My twins are now finishing their first year of school at the private school I attended. I pay for their tuition and my husband knew they would be going as I made it very clear that I valued this. He also agreed that it is a good investment and would want our child to attend also, paying half each when the time comes.

His children do not attend a private school, but attend highly ranked public schools. Since the twins started school his ex has been causing issues and saying that it is unfair and showing favouritism that my children attend a "better" school than theirs. My husband agreed and they applied for the same school, but when time came to accept the offer, BM changed her tune and could no longer afford to pay her half. Note that my husband pays alimony and child support totalling to almost 50% his wage and we pay for most other miscellaneous expenses. My husband asked if I would pay for her half and I said no. Ever since this happened he has been distant and accuses me of not loving his children enough and treating them differently. Yes, I could afford the other half but I don't feel that it is my responsibility. I never ask my husband for any financial help towards the upbringing of my children and wouldn't expect that of him.

I felt confident in my decision to refuse but his constant negativity, the comments from his ex and judgement from his family for not paying are making me doubt myself. Am I in the wrong here?

• ETA, I have offered to pay some of the fees, I offered for us ALL to sit down and discuss finances and abilities to contribute. This was refused and BM shut down and began refusing to pay ANY of the fees. The situation could have been avoided had discussions like these been had prior to application. I was not involved in, only informed of, the application as they "are not my children so it was none of my business". But it is now all my business when they want me to pay for the entire thing. I'm going to talk SO and see if BM wants to open discussions and maybe something can be arranged for the next enrolment!

Also, lots of comments assuming my contributions to the family or that I am treating his children poorly. I have made comments but I'm just going to include it in the post to save repeating myself. I pay 80% of all finances, I pay for our holidays and day trips. All of which we arrange during our time with SKs. I am also the sole contributor to their college funds currently. I completely take on board comments about how the children might feel as ultimately I think this is the most important thing. Conversations with them have ended in them expressing not wanting to move away from friends (12 yo especially), or being neutral either way. This is absolutely something BM pushed for and led, and had she been open from the start I am sure something could have been arranged.

Comments

___coolcoolcool

NTA. His ex should pay for half, just like you do.

aussie_nub

On the plus side, The ex's support is about to go down when her hubby has to pay half of it to OP too.

toastedmarsh7

Nah. She filed first so she won’t lose anything. Anyone else who files later will just get less. Always file first if you’re baby mama #1.

AnswerIsItDepends

In one of OP's comments the ex has not officially filed. There isn't a court order. So not sure your statement holds everywhere, but if there isn't any court order it does not apply at all.

Impossible_Change973

So he's just willingly giving 50% with 3 other children in the house? Yikes

BananaHats28

And while OP is paying 80% towards their own household just to cover for his overpay.

Cosmicshimmer

Which is precisely why I refused to move in with a previous ex. He expected me to subsidise his child support payments, effectively taking food out of MY children’s mouths, to put into HIS. That child’s BM was also working AND remarried to a lawyer. I wasn’t contributing to giving her a single penny more. Op is the one effectively paying that child support.

HBMart

His ex literally planned this. She had no intention of paying half, ever. She wanted a freebie, and causing a rift in your relationship is a cherry on top.

OOP: It definitely feels this way.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 8 days later

Firstly, thank you to everyone for all of the advice, suggestions, and overall support. I wasn't sure I would update on the situation, as it seemed like something that would be an ongoing discussion. However, I guess this update post is in fact nothing to do with the issue of private school.

After reading comments and doing some reflection, I initiated a conversation with him to discuss everything. I once again suggested decreasing child support and alimony and paying together. But I also brought up how unfair it feels that he and his ex have teamed up against me in this situation, and I do not feel that we have been behaving as a partnership.

I brought up my grievances regarding feeling used and unappreciated, and how he treats my twins being unacceptable. I voiced my desire for us to have time apart and get into therapy, saying that I needed some space to think as I was unhappy with the effect this was having on the children.

I won't rehash the entire argument but after talking about how I feel his relationship with his ex was inappropriate and crossed some boundaries, I was made aware that he and his ex have slept together multiple times during our relationship. I don't have much else to say, I feel completely numb. I have asked him to leave (the house is mine, before I get comments), and I am talking to a divorce lawyer.

For those who asked, I do have a prenup and we have only been married for just over a year. He swears that it was a mistake and he regrets it, that he loves me and wants to be with me. According to him it "just happened" and I should be more understanding that they have a history together and he didn't mean anything to happen.

I don't know that I will be replying to any comments or updating anymore as there is nothing left to say. I need time and space to heal and to work on being the best mother I can be. I am feeling probably every emotion possible right now. I feel like a complete failure. I have a lot to figure out, especially as we have a baby together. He hasn't asked to see his daughter, or step kids since leaving, despite me reaching out to ask if he wants to see our daughter.

Once again, thank you for all the initial support I received.

Comments

Kittytigris

NTA, I hope you told him that you understand perfectly that you wouldn’t want to stand in the way of him and his ex’s romance. She can have him. Please tell me there’s an infidelity clause in the prenup where he gets nothing if he cheated.

OOP: There is! My parents were very vocal about having a prenup to protect myself and I am so thankful for that now or I honestly dread to think what position I would be in. He will be getting exactly what he deserves.

ERVetSurgeon

NTA. He and his ex are the failures here. You have strength, courage, self respect, and a good moral compass. Go find someone who loves you and not for what you can do for them.

I wish you health and happiness.

Excellent-Freedom473

I'd take the money out of the college funds you set up for the step kids as well. To hell with them all! Go scorched earth!

UnusualPotato1515

This!! He was using her the whole time & funnelling half his money back to his ex whilst OP paid 80% of house expenses & he was contributing nothing to her kids saying her doesn’t love them - fuck him & his kids!! College fund is gone & redirect that money to your own kids!!

magiemaddi

Yeah no wonder he was paying so much alimony. It's basically his savings for when he gets back with his ex.

They have two parents who can pay for college, OP - as their soon to be ex step mom, you really shouldn't let them exploit you further by paying for them at all.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Banned recently due to being used for spam.

I made a new reddit account and I need karma because I really really want to post something on a subreddit. Am I suppose to just comment on other posts and wait until I get upvotes? I feel like thats gonna take forever because I need more than 30 upvotes 🥲

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to + his own page

Previous BoRUs:

originally posted by

originally posted by

originally posted by

[New Update]: My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Thanks to for letting me know about the update

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, harassment, depression, mentions of cancer, emotional abuse and manipulation, body shaming issues, verbal abuse, accusations of abuse

RECAP

: January 17, 2023

Sorry for how long this is, tl;dr at the bottom. As the title says, my wife’s sister made a pass at me at a recent family gathering and I have no idea what to do. For context, I think my wife “Jenna” is absolutely gorgeous but she has some really negative body image issues. This is in large part because of her sister “Mary” who is very conventionally attractive, as opposed to Jenna’s more unconventional but (imo) striking beauty.

Mary was a successful model until a couple years ago and now works in the fashion industry. In our early days of dating when I would tell Jenna she’s beautiful, she would always say “just wait until you see my sister”. When I did finally meet her family, she would randomly press me for weeks to talk about her sister, whether I thought she was more attractive than her, etc. I always told her the truth, that I think Mary is attractive in a boring way, and that I think my wife is much more beautiful and interesting to look at. She wouldn’t let it go until I confronted her about how uncomfortable it made me and asked her what was going on.

This is when she told me that she always had a chip on her shoulder about her looks because of being compared with her sister growing up. They fell into the classic “smart one/pretty one” dynamic their whole lives. She also said Mary had a habit of being flirty with all of her exes, and warned me that it would happen to me eventually. She then started sobbing and begging me to not cheat on her with her sister, to which I forcefully said I would never cheat on her with anyone, let alone her sister. I’ve been crazy about my wife since day 1 and there’s literally no woman on earth who could come close to her.

I honestly didn’t believe her about the flirting at first, I assumed it was just an extension of her insecurity, but I was wrong. Whenever we get together with my wife’s family, Mary always finds ways to touch me and make little innuendos/comments about me or my body. It’s super uncomfortable for everyone, especially my wife, and I’ve called her out on it before. She’ll cool it for a while but eventually start doing it again. It’s been six years of this, and every time it happens my wife is upset for days and I have to do a lot of reassuring.

Onto the current problem. A few days ago we were at my MIL’s birthday party, and Mary asked me to help her grab some things from the garage. As soon as we walked into the garage, she turned and pressed me up against the door with her whole body and started trying to kiss me. I immediately pushed her off and asked her what the fuck she was doing. She started giggling and saying she was just “doing what we both have been thinking” and kept insisting “you know you want to”.

I told her she was out of her mind and ran out of there. I went straight to my wife and told her we were leaving. The whole ride home she was asking me what was wrong, I wasn’t sure whether to tell her because I knew how much it was going to hurt but I also thought Mary would probably try to spin it as me making a move on her so I knew I had to just say it. I told her everything and she cried the whole way home.

For the last several days Mary has been calling and texting my wife doing exactly what I thought she would do, even telling my wife that I said she (Mary) was “the hottest girl I’ve ever seen”, which I had to assure my wife a million times that I did not and would never say even though she believes my account of the situation.

She’s been a complete wreck the last several days, she’s hardly eating, she pulls away from my touch when I try to hug her or just hold her hand, she says she feels “hideous” and “disgusting” and I don’t know what to do. This is the lowest I have ever seen her, and it hurts to see how much she’s hurting. I have no idea what to do to help her heal from this. Reddit, what should I do?

Tl;dr: My wife’s sister tried to kiss me, and this is triggering deep-set body image insecurities for my wife. How do I help her?

Relevant Comment

OOP on his in-laws enabling Mary’s behaviors and the golden child status

OOP: My in laws definitely enable her behavior, she’s the golden child, they brag about her constantly (even though my wife is literally a neuroscientist). Their mom was a pageant queen and she was their dad’s much younger trophy wife. Honestly we may have to go no contact with all of them

: January 19, 2023 (2 days later)

I got a few requests for updates so here it is. I first want to thank everyone so much for your advice. It was extremely helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I’m especially thankful for the folks that asked me how I was doing. I realized that I have literally never had a chance to check in with myself after these things happen, and I’ve actually been holding a lot of frustration and resentment about it all. I’ve been harassed for years and it has either been brushed off or it’s been eclipsed by the impact it has on my wife. I don’t blame her for it, but this has been a good lesson in me not burying my feelings for the sake of others, even for her.

I also want to clarify a couple of things that came up. Several people asked about how my wife’s family feels about all this, and I explained in a comment that her parents are toxic and treat Mary as the golden child, even though my wife is a freaking neuroscientist, amazingly talented musician, speaks three languages fluently and another two conversationally… my wife and her family are seriously the only people who don’t seem to understand how exceptional she is. I remember meeting one of my wife’s family friends and talking to them about her research, and they said, “oh wow, her parents just told us she works at a university.” Whereas my parents literally introduce her as “the family genius” to everyone. It makes me so fucking angry to think about how her asshole family has stolen her shine her whole life. She’s literally a Renaissance woman but all they care about is looks and money.

Some folks asked me why I would ever put myself in a situation alone with Mary given everything she’s done. I have no good answers for that other than I never thought she would actually try to do anything. That possibility just didn’t exist in my head. I realize now that I should’ve seen this would happen eventually, and that I should’ve been less concerned with keeping the peace and more concerned with shutting Mary’s shit down before it escalated to this point. Hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway, onto the update. The night I posted, I told my wife that if she wanted to try to repair her relationship with her sister I would respect that, but that I don’t feel comfortable being around her for the foreseeable future. I said Mary has obviously been deeply jealous of my wife her whole life because she is a hollow, ugly person whose entire value has an expiration date while my wife actually has substance. I said that I think her whole family is toxic and has done nothing but put her down her whole life, but that only she can decide whether she still wants them in her life.

I also told my wife that while I don’t blame her for her emotional reaction, her insecurity is something that she needs to work on for our relationship to be healthy. What Mary did was sexual assault and she’s been sexually harassing me for years, but I have consistently put aside my own feelings about this problem because of how it affects her, and that has prevented me from getting the support that I need, too. I told her that her reaction only serves to punish herself and me for her sister’s behavior, and there’s no reason to give her that kind of power. I also told her something that a commenter said that really resonated with me: the only people who have ever considered her second best are her and her family. Everyone else sees her for who she really is.

She was crying the whole time and agreed that she needed to go to therapy to work on her insecurity. We were able to find a therapist who specializes in body image/self-esteem issues to work with her individually, and we’re looking for a couples therapist too. My wife sent a message to her parents and sister that explained exactly what happened and told them she would reach out to them if she ever feels ready to repair their relationship. We blocked all of them everywhere but Mary has of course been spamming my family and our friends with nonsense, claiming I attacked her, I’m a drug addict, I abuse my wife, all kinds of bullshit that thankfully nobody believes.

My wife is still down in the dumps but I can see that things are getting a little better. She’s eating and sleeping more and she’s cuddling with me in the mornings again which is nice. Now I’m planning a surprise getaway for us this weekend. We’re going to one of our favorite places and I’m going to wine and dine her and try to make her feel like the goddamn queen she is.

I want to thank you all again for your help. You really helped me understand the severity of the problem and again, thanks for helping me connect with my own feelings about all this. Y’all are the best.

Tl;dr: Wife & I are going to therapy. We’re going no contact with her family for the foreseeable future. I’m going to woo the hell out of my wife this weekend.

Relevant Comment

OOP on how he tries to be the best husband to Jenna and enjoying life together

OOP: The only genius thing I’ve ever done is marry her. I’m a pretty average dude tbh so I have no idea how I snagged her. Sad to think her low self-esteem probably played a part but I do work hard to be a good husband every day

: February 1, 2023 (2 weeks later)

So I guess my original posts got reposted onto TikTok and some other subs here on Reddit so I’ve been getting tons of messages asking for updates. It feels like things are mostly settled, and I’m really hoping this will be my final update.

First I want to say that I’ve gotten so many questions about who Mary is, and I’m just not going to say. Suffice it to say that she’s never been household name famous, but she made a living solely on modeling for about a decade from what I understand, so she must have been popular enough that fashion people might know her. I really don’t know how that whole world works. But imo it doesn’t matter how many names you drop, you’re not famous if you don’t have a Wikipedia page.

Also got lots of comments that (mostly) jokingly called me a simp, and I can’t argue with that. I totally am a simp for my wife. She’s the coolest. I hope you all find a love that makes you feel this way!

Okay, I think that’s it. Here is the actual update.

My wife loved the getaway weekend, we had a blast and by the end of it she said she felt like herself again. For a few days after we got back things were really quiet, so we were hopeful that Mary had finally given up, but I felt uneasy about it all. Many of you warned me that Mary would try to interfere with my work and while I initially dismissed it, I figured I would reach out to my boss just in case. I’ve been working at the same company for almost 10 years and she’s heard me vent about Mary before so I didn’t have to explain too much. My boss just reassured me that she knows my real character and would let me know if Mary tried anything.

As you predicted, Mary did try to contact my boss a couple of days later, and the following is a recounting of what my boss told me. Apparently Mary said that I needed to be fired because I was a predator and claimed to have “proof” that I assaulted her. My boss said that was a very serious accusation to make and asked Mary to explain what proof she had. Mary claimed there was a camera that caught the whole incident, and my boss asked her to send the video. Then Mary got flustered and said the police had it, so my boss asked her to send over a copy of the police report. Then Mary said it had a lot of private information in it, so my boss asked her to redact the private information and send it over. Then Mary said she didn’t feel comfortable with that, and my boss told her that she could not take action against an employee based on word of mouth from a stranger. Then Mary shouted at her about victim blaming and hung up.

Unfortunately that was not the end of it. Last Wednesday, Mary somehow sent an email from my personal email account with a dick pic (not mine obviously) to the entire office. My best guess is that I must have left my email logged in on one of my in-laws’ devices, she’s definitely not smart enough to actually hack me. And I know this is completely beside the point, but of course she chose the weirdest-looking dick I’ve ever seen. I played team sports all my life, I’ve seen a lot of dicks, and this was something else. It’s honestly kind of funny to think about Mary Googling “gross penis” or something and sifting through hundreds of images to find juuuuuuust the right one. I had to apologize to everyone on staff and thankfully folks were surprisingly understanding. It’s actually been kind of a nice bonding experience with my coworkers, I honestly didn’t consider myself to be super well-liked in the office but it feels like everyone has been going out of their way to be kind to me and it means a lot.

Anyway, at this point it was clear we had to escalate things legally. I really wanted to avoid it but she forced my hand. My wife and I have a lawyer friend who helped us draft a cease and desist letter outlining her continued harassment and the material and emotional damage this is causing us. My wife then sent a message to Mary and my in-laws with a copy of the letter and made it very clear that we would pursue criminal and/or civil proceedings if her harassment continued. My wife’s mom then called her crying and begged her to “just let it go” and “leave Mary alone”. My wife calmly explained that Mary is the only person responsible for this whole situation, and that their parents have always enabled her awful behavior. She also said something she later regretted but I think was pretty badass: “Mary is going to stick you two in a nursing home and steal your money the minute she has the chance, and you deserve it.” After the way her mom reacted, my wife is firmly settled on cutting off her family completely.

This happened on Friday, and on Sunday Mary’s best frenemy “Anne” sent my brother a message on Facebook to say Mary is going to leave us alone and to please not sue her. I told my brother not to respond, then just sat and enjoyed the idea that Mary was out there somewhere freaking out about the potential of having to actually face the consequences of her actions. It must be such a strange feeling for her.

Since then, we haven’t heard a peep from the grapevine. It feels like things are finally starting to go back to normal. My wife is starting therapy next week and we’ll be starting couples therapy in a month or two; she wants to do some work on herself first. She’s also taking a short leave from work to rest and recharge. I’m so proud of her for standing up for herself with her family and finally putting her mental health and wellbeing first.

Thanks again for everyone who offered advice! This was a messy situation but it definitely would’ve been messier without your help.

Tl;dr: Mary tried to get me fired so we sent her a cease and desist. Now Mary’s running scared, she and my in-laws are out of our lives, and we’re doing much better without them. My wife is prioritizing her wellness and I am one proud simp.

: August 25, 2023 (6.5 months later)

I forgot about this account completely until today and logged in to see so many comments and messages asking for an update. It’s honestly touching to see how many people care about this situation and want the best for me and my wife.

This will be a brief update, I don’t want to make this a regular thing and the original situation has resolved enough that I am hopeful this’ll be the end of the saga.

Mary and my in laws have pretty much left us alone. My MIL still tries to contact my wife every now and then but she’s made it clear to her family that if the first words out of their mouths aren’t “I’m sorry,” she isn’t interested in a conversation.

As you can see, the past six months have made my wife a BADASS. She has done some amazing work in therapy and her confidence is growing all the time. It’s not just with her family - she’s more comfortable asserting herself at work, with strangers, with friends, etc. She’s even stopped putting up with some of my shit! To be fair that “shit” is stuff like my leaving my socks everywhere around the house, but I’m seriously proud of her for telling me to cut it out. I’m becoming a more responsible and supportive partner because she’s able to communicate her needs and expectations without feeling guilty about it. And I’m able to communicate things to her without intense emotions fully eclipsing the conversation. I didn’t mention this in my earlier posts, but my wife does struggle with rejection sensitivity even outside of her family. Often if I brought up something that I felt needed to change, her emotional reaction to feeling like she did something “wrong” would be really intense and instead of dealing with the problem, it would become about regulating her emotions. Now my wife has really good coping tools that allow her to talk about the problem without thinking she is the problem.

And the biggest update… she’s pregnant! We have a baby girl due in February. I am shitting my pants with excitement. We are going to love her so much and teach her that she is more than her beauty. She’s going to have happy parents who love each other and work through issues as a team. The toxic cycle will be broken. Jenna’s family doesn’t know and she’s not sure if/when she’ll tell them, but if she does there are going to be strong boundaries in place for how they can be a part of our daughter’s life. And it’ll start with family therapy. For now, she has one set of grandparents that will go to the end of the earth for her, and that’s more than enough. My family has been absolutely incredible in their support and their so excited for us. Things are looking better than they ever have.

That’s all folks. Thanks again for your support on this wild journey.

Tl;dr: Mary and in-laws have mostly left us alone. Jenna is a badass now. We’re having a baby and soon I’ll have two queens in my life. Captain Simp, over and out.

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 23, 2024 (9 months later)

Hello everyone, I have come here for advice before and you were all incredibly helpful, and I could really use some support again.

You can check my post history for the full story, but tl;dr: last year my wife (“Jenna”) and I had to make the decision to go no-contact with her whole family. Her sister (“Mary”, 30F) sexually assaulted me, in-laws defended her, and after some legal wrangling they finally left us alone. The situation wrecked my wife’s self-esteem and tested our relationship, but we made it through.

Jenna and I had our first daughter in February. She’s amazing and we’re doing great. We ended up moving away from Jenna’s home state (NY) to mine (MA) to be closer to my family, and they’ve been incredibly helpful with the baby. We have not seen Jenna’s family since cutting contact and blocking them everywhere, and we didn’t tell them about the baby.

Yesterday we received a letter in the mail from my MIL and FIL. No idea how they got our address. Apparently my FIL has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer and is being told he could be dead in weeks. In laws went on about how sorry they were for the way they handled the situation with Mary. They also apologized for the way they’ve treated my wife her whole life (again, check post history but basically Mary was the golden child and Jenna was an afterthought despite being super accomplished). They ended by saying they recently heard about the baby through the grapevine and want to meet their grandchild.

To me, the apology seemed genuine. They went into detail on what they did wrong, apologized and expressed remorse, and explained what they should have done differently. They said they hoped to earn our forgiveness with time and were willing to do family therapy to heal our relationship.

Jenna is not having it. She feels like it’s too little too late and doesn’t want to respond. She also suspects that they’re lying about FIL’s cancer and just want to pressure us into reconciliation so they can meet the baby. It seems ludicrous but I guess I wouldn’t put it past them.

I want to respect my wife’s feelings around this, but I’m worried that if the cancer is real, she may regret not taking this opportunity for reconciliation before he dies. I expressed this to her but she is adamant and I haven’t broached the topic since.

My instinct is to wait a few more days until the shock wears off to talk about it again. I just don’t know what the best way to approach it would be. I certainly don’t want to force my wife to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but I feel like she’s not thinking clearly about this right now. It also must be noted that our baby is still struggling with sleep and we’re both tired and emotional all the time, so I feel like this might be influencing how she feels about all this.

What should I do here? Should I try again or just let it be?

Tl;dr: In-laws are attempting to reconcile after claiming FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Wife does not want to consider it but I am worried she will regret it later on.

Edit: People, stop being mean to me. I too am tired and emotional and my feelings are getting hurt. I am not forcing my wife to do anything. I brought it up one time. I know this is not about me. I don’t personally care either way, I just want to support my wife. I intend to tell her I am here to listen/talk about it if she wants to but I fully support her decisions around this. She has a great therapist she trusts and I’ll be here to support her however I can.

Relevant Comments

OOP on respecting his wife’s decisions on how she wants to deal with the possible family health situation if it’s real

OOP: To be clear, I will absolutely respect whatever decision she makes. I just feel like the news is so fresh and we’re in such an emotionally complex place as it is that she may not be thinking clearly about it. A similar situation happened to a friend of mine and he regretted it for years, actually turned to alcohol pretty hard for a while after. My wife has worked really hard to improve her mental health and I worry about how the regret might set her back. Although I suppose if her family is actually lying/manipulating us that would set her back too. I just don’t know. Would it be terrible to bring it up again in a few days just to see if she feels differently?

Edit: I’ve also thought about asking my parents to take the baby for a couple of days so we can get away and recharge. Maybe just getting my wife in a better headspace would allow her to think things through more carefully/less reactively

OOP receiving advice on letting his wife lead the way of dealing with her family. She knows what her family is like all her life

OOP: This was really helpful, thank you so much. I will give it time and let her lead the way.

I hadn’t thought about that “earn it with time” thing — like if he actually is about to die what time are they talking about? And reading from other people that this is a common manipulation tactic makes me feel more strongly that my wife’s instinct about them lying is correct

OOP on letting his wife make decisions and don’t bring their daughter into the mix

OOP: I would never do this. Not sure what part of “I would never force my wife to do anything she doesn’t want to do” isn’t getting through to people, but I would never betray her like that. I’ve never gone behind her back and never will, we make decisions as a team and this is her call. I don’t personally care if we never see them again, it isn’t about me, I came here for advice on how to support my wife and hold space for her to talk about it. All I care about is her being okay.

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