I am not OP. That is who posted to relationship_advice

TW: sexual assault, verbal abuse

May 22nd, 2024

We were in bed last night and I was almost asleep when he started having sex with me. I was pretty un-aroused and tired so didn’t really react or make any sound. I don’t have a problem having sex late at night and don’t require verbal asking of permission, it just started feeling really odd after the two minute mark when he was still going and I hadn’t made a single sound.

Sort of dissociated thinking how weird it was and eventually just told him to stop and went to the bathroom. I’m not a man obviously but I feel like I probably wouldn’t be into having sex with someone that wasn’t into it or remotely receptive.

Is this common with men? I explained that it felt weird when I came back to bed and he said “oh, sorry”.

How do i go about dealing with this? It seems so bizarre.

edit: i was in therapy a few months ago after having a series of panic attacks during sex because I got triggered by something and couldn’t bring myself to say no for some reason. he knows about this so it feels somewhat relevant that he kept going anyway without stopping to ask if i was okay

editing again to say i made it crystal clear i was unhappy with what happened before i left the bedroom, and wasn’t remotely happy about it. my parting words were — that was weird. i’m a human being not a fucking fleshlight. what the fuck was that?”

Added Comments

Commenter

I usually just lurk but I’ve had this happen in two previous relationships, both long term partners.

The first began when I was really inexperienced and didn’t know whether it was normal or not… that relationship was abusive in a lot of ways (controlling/manipulation/emotional) and had a really unhealthy power dynamic. I didn’t realise until very late and left the relationship. He ticked all the narc boxes. Not sure if this feels familiar at all but he would literally start whilst I was asleep…

The second was similar although not abusive… or at least I wouldn’t call it that anyway. He also seemed to think consent was granted… I was in kind of a dark place though and probably rebounded with him. I did actually explain to him that I felt really uncomfortable with him just having sex with me whilst I was semi asleep or just not into it and that it felt non consensual. He later tried to pressure me into other things I wasn’t comfortable with and I ended the relationship for various reasons - that being one. Again, he wasn’t the nicest guy and I feel like that might be a pattern tbh.

I just wanted to say I’ve had this same thing with two guys, and you’re feeling that this is not okay is totally valid. Talk to him about it… but also maybe spend some time thinking about the rest of the relationship - do you feel taken for granted in other ways? How does he treat you otherwise?

OP

lol i’ve been saying for a while i feel taken for granted and unappreciated. didn’t even get me a card for mother’s day.

Commenter

Hmmm sounds like this might be more than just a sex problem… sorry you’re going through this! I’m not sure they mean to treat us like an object but that’s kind of exactly how it is. It’s as if they just think you’re there no matter what.

OP

holy fuck i was literally thinking this WORD FOR WORD when i opened your comment.

May 23rd, 2024

original post —

so he came home and said he wanted to find a way to resolve the situation. i asked him what the situation was and he said he didn’t know (common theme).

i explained, frustratedly, that i’ve felt for months that i’m putting more into the relationship than him and only receiving the bare minimum. he cut me off multiple times nitpicking random points then eventually started raising his voice like always. i told him not to and he stormed out of the room.

eventually stormed back in and said it was bullshit and that it’s “pretty fucking rich” to be saying he’s doing the bare minimum (didn’t get me a mother’s day card. didn’t comfort me when i was upset the other day. i’ve been asking for small gestures like picking a flower off a tree on his way home for months. still haven’t got one).

in response, i said it feels a bit rich to be so defensive and focusing on one specific detail of a point i’d barely started making when i’ve been searching for support on reddit all day while a bunch of strangers dissect whether i got raped or not.

he just lost his mind and started yelling at me about how i can go on reddit with my little keyboard warriors and he doesn’t give a fuck because i said he does the bare minimum. then he slammed the door and turned all the lights off outside so i guess he’s sleeping on the couch?

———

• UPDATE * — he just got home. gave me flowers he’d picked off a tree and said he was sorry for the way he dealt with his anger. we don’t have time to talk rn because the kids are destroying the house so i guess ill post another update when they’re asleep and we’ve spoken?

• i’m not stupid though. some flowers and a one second apology are the bare minimum.

———

• UPDATE 2 * — kids went to bed. he sat on the couch watching youtube videos for three hours and didn’t say a word to me. then he came into the bedroom and said “i’m going to bed”

• i told him i’m done planning the vow renewal ceremony i’ve been planning entirely by myself for months (that HE wanted) and if he cares so much he can do it all himself (he won’t. he can’t). then i left the room and he closed the door and went to bed. that’s it. no surprises. just the bare fucking minimum.

———

• final update * — i feel like a blindfolds been ripped off my eyes and im suddenly seeing all these details of prior events and im just reeling. like one time i think he might actually have semi raped me when he had complete emotional leverage over me and knew it and i felt i literally couldn’t say no and he came inside me without asking and i just burst into tears afterwards. ended up with a chemical pregnancy and it was awful. like i could go on and on and on im fkn shellshocked rn.

• someone on here sent me a link to an ebook about abuse and there were so many things in it describing his behaviour and i just feel like a fucking idiot. the time he pinned me to the floor by my shoulders and screamed in my face while our baby was watching. the time he called me a fat bitch postpartum. the time i found out while pregnant that he’d cheated on me prior and multiple times. i could just go on.

• i’ll probably be deleting my account in the morning i just can’t take anymore. thanks for the advice. don’t be a fucking idiot like me.

Added Comments

Commenter

Whatever you do, if you're staying 'for the kids' DON'T! Get that out of your head. Your kids will grow up seeing the way dad treats mom and think that's okay. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that way? That that's how marriage and 'love' should be?

OP

lol i left him a couple of years ago and took the kids with me. suddenly feeling strangely similar to how life was before that happened.

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [15M] dad [47M] remarried and I've lost everything I had to my new step siblings [16F-11M-10M] who treat me horribly.

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU and for finding the links

TRIGGER WARNING: Neglect

  May 14, 2016

My dad married my step mother 3 months ago and I feel like it made my life significantly harder and less pleasant. They moved in with us and for the indefinite future this situation will not change.

We have a 3 bedroom house and before they moved in, my dad and I had our rooms (both with bathrooms) and there was a smaller room which was a study for my dad. After they moved in, Jenny [16F, turning 17 next month] got my room, and I had to share the smaller room with Tom [11M] and Mike [10M]. All my books, my telescope, my stuff are packed and in the basement now since there's no space anymore. This made me real angry but my dad told me that I have to be a team player and this is what him and his wife agreed on.

Jenny treats me like shit. She sometimes acts as if I'm not there at all, and sometimes is super aggressive and hostile towards me. The other I asked Tom to stop going through my things and she became so angry that "I have no right to order her brother around", she told me to get it in my thick scull that I'm not their big brother to tell them what to do, even though all I asked was for them to stop going through my things. She said it's best if I don't talk to them at all since that way they will get less influence from a weirdo like me. What I don't get is that if she's so concerned that I might leave a bad influence on Tom and Mike why doesn't she take them into her room?

Tom and Mike don't respect any boundaries. They're always through my stuff. I have a watch which was a gift from my mother (she died of cancer) and they took it from my drawer and lost it. I found it weeks later in the basement with its front glass broken.

Before they moved in I used to get a $100 allowance every month. Now Jenny gets $75, I get $35 and Tom and Mike each get $30. I had an Xbox but these kids broke it down.

I used to spend a lot of time with my dad. He used to come see me play basketball almost every week, he hasn't done it even once in the past three months since he's always working overtime. We eat out once a week and none of them in these three months have been to any of my favorite places, but Jenny, Tom and Mike have each chosen their favorites more than once.

I complained about all of it to my father last week and he told me that family is all about sacrifices, and I have to make mine. Haven't I made enough sacrifices already? I feel like I'm the only one making sacrifices. I looked forward to them moving in here but I now feel like an outsider at home, it's not my home anymore.

Life has become very difficult for me. I spend as much time as I can outside because inside is so frustrating but this is causing problems as well. My dad keeps telling me that not being around means I'm not accepting them as part of the family while in reality it's the opposite. So I get grounded for not being around, and being around is horrible.

I don't want to live here anymore but I'm only 15 and can't move out. I have nobody else who can take me in. I can't stay here for 3 more years. I'll go crazy. I often fantasize about running away at night but I know that's also as horrible if not even more.

I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me a suggestion?

tl;dr: Father remarried and his wife and three kids moved in. They've taken over my room, my things, my space, my budget and treat me horribly. I feel frustrated and very unhappy here. I don't know what to do to make my life a little easier.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OliviaPresteign

It sounds like Jenny is the biggest problem. If she's 17, is the plan for her to move out soon? Maybe you can talk to your dad about getting your own room and having the two younger boys share.

OOP

She's not going to move out. She will live at home when she goes to college. Parents already have given her the permission to do this.

Femme0879

I'd show him this post. Maybe if he sees how strangers are sticking up for you than your own FATHER it might change his tune.

~

Darkosaurus

First of all: who came up with the stupid idea of giving three people the smaller room and your step sister the larger one?

Your father really needs to get his mind straight. Yes, you have to make some sacrifices, but so do the other children! He does not want to discipline them though to look good in front of your step mum, but that needs to stop.

Did you tell him about the watch? Breaking such an important piece of memory is extremely rude. Try to stand up for yourself as well as you can and call them out on their behaviour. Maybe your step mother will finally start to say something.

EDIT: spelling; also --> start to EDIT 2: Apart from that, the age gap of one year to your step sister justifies a 40$ difference, whereas the 4/5 year age gap to your step brother justifies a 5$ difference?!

OOP

"First of all: who came up with the stupid idea of giving three people the smaller room and your step sister the larger one?"

They thought Jenny is older and needs more personal space and her own bathroom. I disagreed but was eventually told to deal with it.

  June 3, 2016

OK. A LOT has happened.

I decided to just ask my dad and step mother for some time to talk to them and I just showed them my post on reddit. They took a good half an hour reading it. There were times that it looked like they were going to start crying. Eventually they told me that they need more time and we'll talk about it in a couple of days.

Two nights later, my dad asked me to come to their room and to make it short, they got it. They both hugged me and at some point my step mother started crying. They apologized to me for their negligence and told me that they fucked this up. They put all their attention and focus on helping my step siblings adjust given the new living arrangement and everything and neglected how difficult it must have been for me. They promised me that things will change.

About the room arrangement, they realized that it's not reasonable. So they offered me the basement as a lot of you suggested. We went to the store and bought a lot of supplies and made it a family exercise for everyone to contribute refurbishing the basement and making it like a bedroom. So I'll have my own room now. It won't have a bathroom like before but I can really share a bathroom with the boys. That's not a problem.

The money allowance changed as well. It was Jenny $75, me $35 and Mike and Tom $30 each. Now it's Jenny $60, me $50 and the boys $30 each. So $15 from Jenny comes to me now. I think it's much more fair. It's not as good as the $100 I used to have but this arrangement is something I can easily understand and accept.

Now to Jenny. Well. My step mother told me that Jenny's problem is not me. It's that her mother married and she doesn't like that because she was hopeful that she would return to her dad. Now she's trying to make this not work and I'm just in her crosshairs. Apparently she's been a little B to my dad as well. She promised me that she will handle Jenny and make sure she won't be a problem.

Now to the boys. This is the most difficult one as they're 10 and 11. They gave me a small lock so I can lock my bag for now, and when the basement is ready (which will be in a couple of weeks) I can lock its door and only me and the parents will have the key. So at least my stuff will be safe.

About other things, they also made little changes to make things easier. They told me that I can come to them for any problems and my dad promised me some father son time every couple of weeks as well.

I was happy with everything. They addressed most of the issues and found solutions and so far done their best to do everything that they promised.

Jenny came to me a few nights later and asked if I would come with her for a walk in the neighborhood as she wanted to talk to me. So we went and she apologized to me for everything and told me that she didn't and still doesn't like that her mom married my dad and she was forwarding her anger and frustration towards me (the only person she could) which was not right. She said that I'm probably going through similar things as she does and really there's no reason for us to make each other's lives even more difficult than it already is. So I accepted her apology and we shook hands on being on the same team from now on. And honestly she's been very different ever since. She's helping me a lot in preparing the basement and she makes Tom and Mike help as well. The other day when I asked Tom to turn down the TV volume and he refused, she told him to "listen to your big brother". Yeah, good things! I hope she remains this way.

Overall things are A LOT better. I trust my step mother a lot more now. Jenny is much better than before and we're becoming more and more like a family and the place looks and feels like home again.

Thanks for all your suggestions and help. I owe you all a lot.

tl;dr: Showed parents the original post. They got it and decided to make things right. I'm getting the basement now, I'm getting more allowance, step mother talked to Jenny and she's much better. I'm gonna get some alone time with my dad every two weeks. Most of the problems seem to have been sorted out as best as they could have been.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

my boss collected money for flowers for me … and then kept it for herself

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a loved one, fraud, abuse of authority

  Jan 25, 2023

Unfortunately, seven weeks ago my dear grandmother passed away at 91. A coworker of mine told me our supervisor collected money from our team for flowers as condolences for her death. No flowers were delivered from my supervisor and team to the funeral home.

Two weeks after the funeral, I found out a florist in town didn’t deliver all their orders for my grandmother’s funeral. I sent my supervisor a text explaining the flower mix-up we had experienced. In the text, I told her I was worried about not sending my gratitude to her and the team, as I never got the flowers. Also, I wanted to make sure she and the team were not out the money because of the inept florist. I included my appreciation for her and the team thinking of me. My supervisor replied she didn’t order any flowers for the funeral, telling me not to worry and thankfully they were not lost. Instead, she was planning to send something else to my new husband and I as a condolence. Then she added a flippant, “Sorry I haven’t gotten there yet.”

Now it has been seven weeks since my grandmother’s passing and four weeks since I sent the text about the flowers to my supervisor. My supervisor didn’t follow through with sending my team’s condolences for the death of my grandmother. My husband and I have not received anything from my supervisor or the team, but my boss still has their money, which is technically theft.

Also, I’m feeling hurt by her lack of regard to my emotions about losing a very close loved one. My grandmother passed away 15 days after my wedding, which she couldn’t attend due to the injury which led to her death. She was going to be the flower girl in our non-traditional ceremony. All of which I shared with my boss. It was a roller coaster of emotions in a short time frame!

I’m uncertain of my course of action here. Should I go to HR? What should I say? My boss didn’t take my money, but she did take my coworkers money and didn’t send their condolences. Do I tell HR I’m being treated unfairly, as my boss didn’t send me condolences like she has to others? She’s made sure to send prompt bereavement gestures (within two weeks) for my coworkers with the family losses they’ve experienced in the past. It’s not like it’s required or expected for her or my coworkers to send condolences, though it is a considerate thing to do.

I feel going to HR will make our already challenging relationship even worse and she will be supported by them. HR will see it as a personal matter and she was just forgetful. She may get a small slap on the wrist, but I will pay big as the employee that tattled on her (our team is only seven people so she’ll definitely know it was me).

Do I ask her again about sending the flowers/gift? It already felt awkward when I contacted her before about the flowers, especially after her dismissive response. Also, I’m not certain how to approach it because it’s a gesture of caring and other people’s money that I’m asking her about. It just feels icky!

Many people are telling me to just let it go, but others are saying she committed theft and to report her to HR. What do you think is the best way to handle the situation?

  Nov 27, 2023 (10 months later)

I talked to two of my most trustworthy coworkers. One being the person who told me she thought my supervisor was sending the flowers for my grandmother’s funeral. I expressed to them I had not received any condolences from my boss on their behalf and expressed my gratitude for their contributions when my grandmother passed.

Both asked me if I felt they should mention anything to our supervisor. I told them that was up to their own discretion. I stopped there and decided to not pursue anything with HR. I felt like it was more important to move on. At least, I was able to say thank you to my closest colleagues.

Then before our first staff meeting of the 2023 new year, our team was chatting together about our upcoming plans. I said that my husband and I were going to Florida in a few weeks to see my parents. This included visiting with my grandfather, who at 90 decided live in Florida with my parents after losing my grandmother. I had mentioned this new living situation to my supervisor and colleagues prior to this meeting.

I kid you not, my supervisor after I shared my upcoming plans asks me, “How’s your grandma doing in Florida?” (Wait. What?!? Grandma?) I quickly and rather coldly replied, “My grandmother has passed.” My supervisor got bright red and tried her best to cover her tracks by saying, “Oh yeah, I meant your grandpa. I got confused for just a moment.”

I said nothing more. I didn’t even acknowledge her clumsy attempts to correct herself. An uncomfortably long pause of weirdness loomed over the room for a while before conversation resumed. My most confidential coworker afterwards expressed to me how cringy it was to witness. My supervisor knew she had inconsiderately asked me about the well being of dead person. On top of that, she knew she was sitting on money collected to give the team’s condolences for my grandmother’s passing.

At beginning of March I received a text out of the blue from my supervisor stating in a very professional manner, “I am so sorry, I just realized I have been remiss in sending a condolence gift from our team for your grandmother.” Included was a $25 gift card to Starbucks.

I sent the following text of gratitude the team’s texting thread: “Thank you everyone for the $25 gift card to Starbucks in memory of my grandmother passing in October. I appreciate the thoughtfulness!”

My supervisor only five months down the road and after sticking her own foot in her mouth did finally produce the gift. In the end, she made good on her responsibility and promise to our team to provide a gift on their behalf. However, not before embarrassing herself in front of her team and giving me the opportunity to point out her massive tardiness.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Thanks to for finding this BORU

- 27th May 2024

- 28th May 2024

AITA for embarrassing my parents for forgetting my birthday?

I (F33) just had my birthday last week. The only problem is that no one in my family remembered. My maternal grandfather passed away about a month ago and my entire family (mom, dad, and 2 younger brothers) flew back to my mother’s home country for the funeral. I, unfortunately, could not go as I’ve only recently started a new job. I wasn’t particularly close to my grandfather so I wasn’t too upset about staying behind.

My family was gone for a total of 22 days and we FaceTimed and stayed in constant communication during their trip. I think it’s great that my mom got to reconnect with family and that my brothers got a chance to meet everyone. They got back last Wednesday and have been readjusting due to jet lag since then (understandably).

My birthday was last Friday (2 days) after they got back. TBH, I wasn’t expecting more than birthday wishes from everyone, but the day past without a word from anyone. Was I annoyed? Sure. But I wasn’t too upset. I’m not the biggest birthday person. I ended up having a nice birthday dinner with my boyfriend and a few friends.

All hell broke loose Saturday afternoon when I got a really angry phone call from my dad. I guess my boyfriend did a special IG post for me and my brothers saw it and showed my parents. I had no idea he did this as he isn’t a big poster. Anyway, I could hear my mom crying in the background while my dad laid into me saying that they were sorry they forgot, but not saying anything and then posting about it online was passive aggressive and mean.

I told him that I wasn’t upset and that I didn’t think a 33rd birthday was that big a deal anyway. He said a few more things before abruptly ending the call. I didn’t hear from my family the rest of the weekend.

Today (Monday) I woke up to a bunch of notifications. I guess my mom did a Facebook post talking about ungrateful kids and how I ruined their surprise party for me and tagged me. My extended family seemed to agree that I was a jerk. I’ve tried calling my mom, but she didn’t answer so I posted my own reply and said “You guys forgot and no one wished me a happy birthday unless you count dad calling and yelling at me”. Both of my parents have been calling all morning, but I don’t want to take their calls yet. AITA?

EDIT: I couldn’t post the update to this sub since it’s a bit long, but you can find it in my profile. Thank you for the birthday wishes!

Comments

Britt_Scherrer

NTA. Seems like they are trying to make you feel guilty for nothing. Were they really planning a surprise birthday party as per your mom's Facebook post?

OOP: I have no idea. I asked my boyfriend about it and he said no one contacted him about it, but who knows.

Fianna9

Doesn’t seem likely. If they knew about your birthday and had something planned they would have just asked you over Saturday and “surprise!”

Sounds like they are covering up that they forgot by trying to blame you

embopbopbopdoowop

NTA That their reaction is to get mad at and guilt trip you (for what? Having a boyfriend who makes a declaration of love on social media?!) to avoid having to feel any guilt or take any responsibility speaks volumes.

Surprise party? To quite venerated philosopher Cher Horowitz, AS IF.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 day later

Hi all,

I tried posting this on the AITA sub, but it’s too long. I’ve been reading as many comments as I can. I do have a quick update, but I wanted to address some questions:

1. My boyfriend’s post: He had no idea that my parents hadn’t acknowledged my birthday until my dad called. I never mentioned it because, again, I wasn’t angry. The post was just a picture of us at the restaurant with my birthday cheesecake. The caption verbatim was, “Blessed to see you make another trip around the sun. I love you!” There was no mention of anything else. I also wasn’t aware of the post until my dad called about it.

2. This is very out of character for either of my parents which is why I’m not going to go no-contact. The way everything escalated is bizarre, but it gives me a better understanding of the situation. Hopefully it will for everyone else as well.

Onto the update:

After everything happened yesterday I told my boyfriend about the FB thing and he agreed that I should just not deal with it for the day. I turned my phone off and just chilled out. Around 6pm my boyfriend got a text from my brothers asking if they could come by because they wanted to see me and bring me the candy they brought back for me. I agreed and they came over… along with my parents.

At this point, I was annoyed to see my parents, but we let everyone in. My boyfriend made sure I was alright, and took my brothers out back so I could be alone with my parents. My mom started crying immediately and sobbed out an “I’m sorry”. I don’t know about you, but seeing my mom cry started to make me cry. My dad then explained what happened. Apparently they absolutely forgot about my birthday (again understandable).

My paternal aunt had come over on Saturday to see my parents. It’s worth noting that she does NOT like my mom for whatever reason. Since he’s been around for last 4 years, my boyfriend follows my brothers and a few of my cousins and vice versa. My cousins saw the post, showed my aunt and she asked my mom how my birthday went. (Side note, my extended family did reach out to wish me happy birthday, they just didn’t know my family forgot).

I guess my mom was caught out and my aunt went in on her being a bad mother and all that and saying at least I have my boyfriend. My dad got upset, told my aunt to leave and said they already had something planned (they didn’t). That’s when he called me. They never saw the post , and I was wrong thinking my brothers showed them. My dad said he felt awful for yelling at me and apologized, but explained that he hated seeing his wife so upset.

They took the weekend to cool down, but as many of you guessed, my mom tried to save face via FB. She explained that she didn’t think I would see it since I’m not usually on. What she didn’t realize is that when she typed my name in the post, my user name populated thus tagging me. She was shocked and embarrassed when I responded and started getting calls and texts from the extended family.

She came clean to my dad about it and that’s when they tried calling, but I wouldn’t answer. My mom looked very distraught and I just told her that everything was ok and that I’m sorry that I responded the way I did. It’s evident that she’s taking her father’s passing extremely hard and I don’t want to pile more onto her.

Now’s not the time. My dad said it’s was few days late, but he’d love to order pizza and just hang out. I agreed. My boyfriend and brothers came inside and we spent a few hours listening to stories about my grandfather and my mom’s childhood. It’s definitely a birthday I won’t forget, but I guess alls well that ends well?

I would like to point out that we do NOT like my dad’s sister. She’s an awful person, but my cousins are amazing so my dad tolerates her. My mom can usually handle herself around my aunt, but she’s in a really vulnerable state which is how this escalated. I’ll probably talk to her about again, just not anytime soon Also, thank you for the birthday wishes!

Comments

Western_Aioli_2767

Not saying you should cut your parents off by any means, but this is the most half-assed apology. Your father called and screamed at you because he forgot your birthday. Your mother made up a fake party and called you an ungrateful brat on the internet, thinking you'd never see, so that you'd look like an asshole. Their insults were incredibly public and nasty, and their apology was secretive.

I'd ask for an apology as public as the insult. I'm sure they are embarrassed they forgot. They should be. Sure, your mom's father died, but that's no excuse for DAD to forget. And if they'd forgotten or been off on the date because of jetlag, that would've been one thing. That's not what happened, though.

Razzlesndazzles

It sounds like there were some extenuating circumstances including being lambasted by someone as well as just recently burying a family member. They have recognized they made an awful mistake and are clearly incredibly remorseful. As op said her mom was in a vulnerable state so her dad likely forgot because he was focused on his wife's grief.

Does this justify their behavior? No, does it make it ok? No, but the goal of remorse and apologies is to make sure the behavior doesn't repeat and since this isn't a pattern for them, they don't usually do this, there were extenuating circumstances and most importantly they they feel bad about what they did, I doubt this will be a recurring situation so I see no benefit to continue beating this dead horse. Op is handling this in a great way, she she really wouldn't accomplish anything by pressing the matter further except making them even more like shit, and it's not like they are treating it like it's NBD. If it still bothers her months later she can bring it up again when mom isn't as distraught.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Thanks to for finding this BORU

- 20th May 2024

- 28th May 2024

AITAH for refusing to pay for my stepkid's private school?

Context: I (30f) have been with my partner (36m) for 4 years and we have a 2 year old child together. I have 5 year old twins, full time custody as their dad passed away, and he has 2 children (7,12), who he has 50/50 custody of.

I was brought up in a pretty wealthy family where me and my siblings attended private school, and this was something that I valued and wanted any future children of mine to attend also. My twins are now finishing their first year of school at the private school I attended. I pay for their tuition and my husband knew they would be going as I made it very clear that I valued this. He also agreed that it is a good investment and would want our child to attend also, paying half each when the time comes.

His children do not attend a private school, but attend highly ranked public schools. Since the twins started school his ex has been causing issues and saying that it is unfair and showing favouritism that my children attend a "better" school than theirs. My husband agreed and they applied for the same school, but when time came to accept the offer, BM changed her tune and could no longer afford to pay her half. Note that my husband pays alimony and child support totalling to almost 50% his wage and we pay for most other miscellaneous expenses. My husband asked if I would pay for her half and I said no. Ever since this happened he has been distant and accuses me of not loving his children enough and treating them differently. Yes, I could afford the other half but I don't feel that it is my responsibility. I never ask my husband for any financial help towards the upbringing of my children and wouldn't expect that of him.

I felt confident in my decision to refuse but his constant negativity, the comments from his ex and judgement from his family for not paying are making me doubt myself. Am I in the wrong here?

• ETA, I have offered to pay some of the fees, I offered for us ALL to sit down and discuss finances and abilities to contribute. This was refused and BM shut down and began refusing to pay ANY of the fees. The situation could have been avoided had discussions like these been had prior to application. I was not involved in, only informed of, the application as they "are not my children so it was none of my business". But it is now all my business when they want me to pay for the entire thing. I'm going to talk SO and see if BM wants to open discussions and maybe something can be arranged for the next enrolment!

Also, lots of comments assuming my contributions to the family or that I am treating his children poorly. I have made comments but I'm just going to include it in the post to save repeating myself. I pay 80% of all finances, I pay for our holidays and day trips. All of which we arrange during our time with SKs. I am also the sole contributor to their college funds currently. I completely take on board comments about how the children might feel as ultimately I think this is the most important thing. Conversations with them have ended in them expressing not wanting to move away from friends (12 yo especially), or being neutral either way. This is absolutely something BM pushed for and led, and had she been open from the start I am sure something could have been arranged.

Comments

___coolcoolcool

NTA. His ex should pay for half, just like you do.

aussie_nub

On the plus side, The ex's support is about to go down when her hubby has to pay half of it to OP too.

toastedmarsh7

Nah. She filed first so she won’t lose anything. Anyone else who files later will just get less. Always file first if you’re baby mama #1.

AnswerIsItDepends

In one of OP's comments the ex has not officially filed. There isn't a court order. So not sure your statement holds everywhere, but if there isn't any court order it does not apply at all.

Impossible_Change973

So he's just willingly giving 50% with 3 other children in the house? Yikes

BananaHats28

And while OP is paying 80% towards their own household just to cover for his overpay.

Cosmicshimmer

Which is precisely why I refused to move in with a previous ex. He expected me to subsidise his child support payments, effectively taking food out of MY children’s mouths, to put into HIS. That child’s BM was also working AND remarried to a lawyer. I wasn’t contributing to giving her a single penny more. Op is the one effectively paying that child support.

HBMart

His ex literally planned this. She had no intention of paying half, ever. She wanted a freebie, and causing a rift in your relationship is a cherry on top.

OOP: It definitely feels this way.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 8 days later

Firstly, thank you to everyone for all of the advice, suggestions, and overall support. I wasn't sure I would update on the situation, as it seemed like something that would be an ongoing discussion. However, I guess this update post is in fact nothing to do with the issue of private school.

After reading comments and doing some reflection, I initiated a conversation with him to discuss everything. I once again suggested decreasing child support and alimony and paying together. But I also brought up how unfair it feels that he and his ex have teamed up against me in this situation, and I do not feel that we have been behaving as a partnership.

I brought up my grievances regarding feeling used and unappreciated, and how he treats my twins being unacceptable. I voiced my desire for us to have time apart and get into therapy, saying that I needed some space to think as I was unhappy with the effect this was having on the children.

I won't rehash the entire argument but after talking about how I feel his relationship with his ex was inappropriate and crossed some boundaries, I was made aware that he and his ex have slept together multiple times during our relationship. I don't have much else to say, I feel completely numb. I have asked him to leave (the house is mine, before I get comments), and I am talking to a divorce lawyer.

For those who asked, I do have a prenup and we have only been married for just over a year. He swears that it was a mistake and he regrets it, that he loves me and wants to be with me. According to him it "just happened" and I should be more understanding that they have a history together and he didn't mean anything to happen.

I don't know that I will be replying to any comments or updating anymore as there is nothing left to say. I need time and space to heal and to work on being the best mother I can be. I am feeling probably every emotion possible right now. I feel like a complete failure. I have a lot to figure out, especially as we have a baby together. He hasn't asked to see his daughter, or step kids since leaving, despite me reaching out to ask if he wants to see our daughter.

Once again, thank you for all the initial support I received.

Comments

Kittytigris

NTA, I hope you told him that you understand perfectly that you wouldn’t want to stand in the way of him and his ex’s romance. She can have him. Please tell me there’s an infidelity clause in the prenup where he gets nothing if he cheated.

OOP: There is! My parents were very vocal about having a prenup to protect myself and I am so thankful for that now or I honestly dread to think what position I would be in. He will be getting exactly what he deserves.

ERVetSurgeon

NTA. He and his ex are the failures here. You have strength, courage, self respect, and a good moral compass. Go find someone who loves you and not for what you can do for them.

I wish you health and happiness.

Excellent-Freedom473

I'd take the money out of the college funds you set up for the step kids as well. To hell with them all! Go scorched earth!

UnusualPotato1515

This!! He was using her the whole time & funnelling half his money back to his ex whilst OP paid 80% of house expenses & he was contributing nothing to her kids saying her doesn’t love them - fuck him & his kids!! College fund is gone & redirect that money to your own kids!!

magiemaddi

Yeah no wonder he was paying so much alimony. It's basically his savings for when he gets back with his ex.

They have two parents who can pay for college, OP - as their soon to be ex step mom, you really shouldn't let them exploit you further by paying for them at all.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to + his own page

Previous BoRUs:

originally posted by

originally posted by

originally posted by

[New Update]: My (37M) wife’s (34F) sister (29F) tried to kiss me and now my wife is spiraling. Help me.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Thanks to for letting me know about the update

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, harassment, depression, mentions of cancer, emotional abuse and manipulation, body shaming issues, verbal abuse, accusations of abuse

RECAP

: January 17, 2023

Sorry for how long this is, tl;dr at the bottom. As the title says, my wife’s sister made a pass at me at a recent family gathering and I have no idea what to do. For context, I think my wife “Jenna” is absolutely gorgeous but she has some really negative body image issues. This is in large part because of her sister “Mary” who is very conventionally attractive, as opposed to Jenna’s more unconventional but (imo) striking beauty.

Mary was a successful model until a couple years ago and now works in the fashion industry. In our early days of dating when I would tell Jenna she’s beautiful, she would always say “just wait until you see my sister”. When I did finally meet her family, she would randomly press me for weeks to talk about her sister, whether I thought she was more attractive than her, etc. I always told her the truth, that I think Mary is attractive in a boring way, and that I think my wife is much more beautiful and interesting to look at. She wouldn’t let it go until I confronted her about how uncomfortable it made me and asked her what was going on.

This is when she told me that she always had a chip on her shoulder about her looks because of being compared with her sister growing up. They fell into the classic “smart one/pretty one” dynamic their whole lives. She also said Mary had a habit of being flirty with all of her exes, and warned me that it would happen to me eventually. She then started sobbing and begging me to not cheat on her with her sister, to which I forcefully said I would never cheat on her with anyone, let alone her sister. I’ve been crazy about my wife since day 1 and there’s literally no woman on earth who could come close to her.

I honestly didn’t believe her about the flirting at first, I assumed it was just an extension of her insecurity, but I was wrong. Whenever we get together with my wife’s family, Mary always finds ways to touch me and make little innuendos/comments about me or my body. It’s super uncomfortable for everyone, especially my wife, and I’ve called her out on it before. She’ll cool it for a while but eventually start doing it again. It’s been six years of this, and every time it happens my wife is upset for days and I have to do a lot of reassuring.

Onto the current problem. A few days ago we were at my MIL’s birthday party, and Mary asked me to help her grab some things from the garage. As soon as we walked into the garage, she turned and pressed me up against the door with her whole body and started trying to kiss me. I immediately pushed her off and asked her what the fuck she was doing. She started giggling and saying she was just “doing what we both have been thinking” and kept insisting “you know you want to”.

I told her she was out of her mind and ran out of there. I went straight to my wife and told her we were leaving. The whole ride home she was asking me what was wrong, I wasn’t sure whether to tell her because I knew how much it was going to hurt but I also thought Mary would probably try to spin it as me making a move on her so I knew I had to just say it. I told her everything and she cried the whole way home.

For the last several days Mary has been calling and texting my wife doing exactly what I thought she would do, even telling my wife that I said she (Mary) was “the hottest girl I’ve ever seen”, which I had to assure my wife a million times that I did not and would never say even though she believes my account of the situation.

She’s been a complete wreck the last several days, she’s hardly eating, she pulls away from my touch when I try to hug her or just hold her hand, she says she feels “hideous” and “disgusting” and I don’t know what to do. This is the lowest I have ever seen her, and it hurts to see how much she’s hurting. I have no idea what to do to help her heal from this. Reddit, what should I do?

Tl;dr: My wife’s sister tried to kiss me, and this is triggering deep-set body image insecurities for my wife. How do I help her?

Relevant Comment

OOP on his in-laws enabling Mary’s behaviors and the golden child status

OOP: My in laws definitely enable her behavior, she’s the golden child, they brag about her constantly (even though my wife is literally a neuroscientist). Their mom was a pageant queen and she was their dad’s much younger trophy wife. Honestly we may have to go no contact with all of them

: January 19, 2023 (2 days later)

I got a few requests for updates so here it is. I first want to thank everyone so much for your advice. It was extremely helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I’m especially thankful for the folks that asked me how I was doing. I realized that I have literally never had a chance to check in with myself after these things happen, and I’ve actually been holding a lot of frustration and resentment about it all. I’ve been harassed for years and it has either been brushed off or it’s been eclipsed by the impact it has on my wife. I don’t blame her for it, but this has been a good lesson in me not burying my feelings for the sake of others, even for her.

I also want to clarify a couple of things that came up. Several people asked about how my wife’s family feels about all this, and I explained in a comment that her parents are toxic and treat Mary as the golden child, even though my wife is a freaking neuroscientist, amazingly talented musician, speaks three languages fluently and another two conversationally… my wife and her family are seriously the only people who don’t seem to understand how exceptional she is. I remember meeting one of my wife’s family friends and talking to them about her research, and they said, “oh wow, her parents just told us she works at a university.” Whereas my parents literally introduce her as “the family genius” to everyone. It makes me so fucking angry to think about how her asshole family has stolen her shine her whole life. She’s literally a Renaissance woman but all they care about is looks and money.

Some folks asked me why I would ever put myself in a situation alone with Mary given everything she’s done. I have no good answers for that other than I never thought she would actually try to do anything. That possibility just didn’t exist in my head. I realize now that I should’ve seen this would happen eventually, and that I should’ve been less concerned with keeping the peace and more concerned with shutting Mary’s shit down before it escalated to this point. Hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway, onto the update. The night I posted, I told my wife that if she wanted to try to repair her relationship with her sister I would respect that, but that I don’t feel comfortable being around her for the foreseeable future. I said Mary has obviously been deeply jealous of my wife her whole life because she is a hollow, ugly person whose entire value has an expiration date while my wife actually has substance. I said that I think her whole family is toxic and has done nothing but put her down her whole life, but that only she can decide whether she still wants them in her life.

I also told my wife that while I don’t blame her for her emotional reaction, her insecurity is something that she needs to work on for our relationship to be healthy. What Mary did was sexual assault and she’s been sexually harassing me for years, but I have consistently put aside my own feelings about this problem because of how it affects her, and that has prevented me from getting the support that I need, too. I told her that her reaction only serves to punish herself and me for her sister’s behavior, and there’s no reason to give her that kind of power. I also told her something that a commenter said that really resonated with me: the only people who have ever considered her second best are her and her family. Everyone else sees her for who she really is.

She was crying the whole time and agreed that she needed to go to therapy to work on her insecurity. We were able to find a therapist who specializes in body image/self-esteem issues to work with her individually, and we’re looking for a couples therapist too. My wife sent a message to her parents and sister that explained exactly what happened and told them she would reach out to them if she ever feels ready to repair their relationship. We blocked all of them everywhere but Mary has of course been spamming my family and our friends with nonsense, claiming I attacked her, I’m a drug addict, I abuse my wife, all kinds of bullshit that thankfully nobody believes.

My wife is still down in the dumps but I can see that things are getting a little better. She’s eating and sleeping more and she’s cuddling with me in the mornings again which is nice. Now I’m planning a surprise getaway for us this weekend. We’re going to one of our favorite places and I’m going to wine and dine her and try to make her feel like the goddamn queen she is.

I want to thank you all again for your help. You really helped me understand the severity of the problem and again, thanks for helping me connect with my own feelings about all this. Y’all are the best.

Tl;dr: Wife & I are going to therapy. We’re going no contact with her family for the foreseeable future. I’m going to woo the hell out of my wife this weekend.

Relevant Comment

OOP on how he tries to be the best husband to Jenna and enjoying life together

OOP: The only genius thing I’ve ever done is marry her. I’m a pretty average dude tbh so I have no idea how I snagged her. Sad to think her low self-esteem probably played a part but I do work hard to be a good husband every day

: February 1, 2023 (2 weeks later)

So I guess my original posts got reposted onto TikTok and some other subs here on Reddit so I’ve been getting tons of messages asking for updates. It feels like things are mostly settled, and I’m really hoping this will be my final update.

First I want to say that I’ve gotten so many questions about who Mary is, and I’m just not going to say. Suffice it to say that she’s never been household name famous, but she made a living solely on modeling for about a decade from what I understand, so she must have been popular enough that fashion people might know her. I really don’t know how that whole world works. But imo it doesn’t matter how many names you drop, you’re not famous if you don’t have a Wikipedia page.

Also got lots of comments that (mostly) jokingly called me a simp, and I can’t argue with that. I totally am a simp for my wife. She’s the coolest. I hope you all find a love that makes you feel this way!

Okay, I think that’s it. Here is the actual update.

My wife loved the getaway weekend, we had a blast and by the end of it she said she felt like herself again. For a few days after we got back things were really quiet, so we were hopeful that Mary had finally given up, but I felt uneasy about it all. Many of you warned me that Mary would try to interfere with my work and while I initially dismissed it, I figured I would reach out to my boss just in case. I’ve been working at the same company for almost 10 years and she’s heard me vent about Mary before so I didn’t have to explain too much. My boss just reassured me that she knows my real character and would let me know if Mary tried anything.

As you predicted, Mary did try to contact my boss a couple of days later, and the following is a recounting of what my boss told me. Apparently Mary said that I needed to be fired because I was a predator and claimed to have “proof” that I assaulted her. My boss said that was a very serious accusation to make and asked Mary to explain what proof she had. Mary claimed there was a camera that caught the whole incident, and my boss asked her to send the video. Then Mary got flustered and said the police had it, so my boss asked her to send over a copy of the police report. Then Mary said it had a lot of private information in it, so my boss asked her to redact the private information and send it over. Then Mary said she didn’t feel comfortable with that, and my boss told her that she could not take action against an employee based on word of mouth from a stranger. Then Mary shouted at her about victim blaming and hung up.

Unfortunately that was not the end of it. Last Wednesday, Mary somehow sent an email from my personal email account with a dick pic (not mine obviously) to the entire office. My best guess is that I must have left my email logged in on one of my in-laws’ devices, she’s definitely not smart enough to actually hack me. And I know this is completely beside the point, but of course she chose the weirdest-looking dick I’ve ever seen. I played team sports all my life, I’ve seen a lot of dicks, and this was something else. It’s honestly kind of funny to think about Mary Googling “gross penis” or something and sifting through hundreds of images to find juuuuuuust the right one. I had to apologize to everyone on staff and thankfully folks were surprisingly understanding. It’s actually been kind of a nice bonding experience with my coworkers, I honestly didn’t consider myself to be super well-liked in the office but it feels like everyone has been going out of their way to be kind to me and it means a lot.

Anyway, at this point it was clear we had to escalate things legally. I really wanted to avoid it but she forced my hand. My wife and I have a lawyer friend who helped us draft a cease and desist letter outlining her continued harassment and the material and emotional damage this is causing us. My wife then sent a message to Mary and my in-laws with a copy of the letter and made it very clear that we would pursue criminal and/or civil proceedings if her harassment continued. My wife’s mom then called her crying and begged her to “just let it go” and “leave Mary alone”. My wife calmly explained that Mary is the only person responsible for this whole situation, and that their parents have always enabled her awful behavior. She also said something she later regretted but I think was pretty badass: “Mary is going to stick you two in a nursing home and steal your money the minute she has the chance, and you deserve it.” After the way her mom reacted, my wife is firmly settled on cutting off her family completely.

This happened on Friday, and on Sunday Mary’s best frenemy “Anne” sent my brother a message on Facebook to say Mary is going to leave us alone and to please not sue her. I told my brother not to respond, then just sat and enjoyed the idea that Mary was out there somewhere freaking out about the potential of having to actually face the consequences of her actions. It must be such a strange feeling for her.

Since then, we haven’t heard a peep from the grapevine. It feels like things are finally starting to go back to normal. My wife is starting therapy next week and we’ll be starting couples therapy in a month or two; she wants to do some work on herself first. She’s also taking a short leave from work to rest and recharge. I’m so proud of her for standing up for herself with her family and finally putting her mental health and wellbeing first.

Thanks again for everyone who offered advice! This was a messy situation but it definitely would’ve been messier without your help.

Tl;dr: Mary tried to get me fired so we sent her a cease and desist. Now Mary’s running scared, she and my in-laws are out of our lives, and we’re doing much better without them. My wife is prioritizing her wellness and I am one proud simp.

: August 25, 2023 (6.5 months later)

I forgot about this account completely until today and logged in to see so many comments and messages asking for an update. It’s honestly touching to see how many people care about this situation and want the best for me and my wife.

This will be a brief update, I don’t want to make this a regular thing and the original situation has resolved enough that I am hopeful this’ll be the end of the saga.

Mary and my in laws have pretty much left us alone. My MIL still tries to contact my wife every now and then but she’s made it clear to her family that if the first words out of their mouths aren’t “I’m sorry,” she isn’t interested in a conversation.

As you can see, the past six months have made my wife a BADASS. She has done some amazing work in therapy and her confidence is growing all the time. It’s not just with her family - she’s more comfortable asserting herself at work, with strangers, with friends, etc. She’s even stopped putting up with some of my shit! To be fair that “shit” is stuff like my leaving my socks everywhere around the house, but I’m seriously proud of her for telling me to cut it out. I’m becoming a more responsible and supportive partner because she’s able to communicate her needs and expectations without feeling guilty about it. And I’m able to communicate things to her without intense emotions fully eclipsing the conversation. I didn’t mention this in my earlier posts, but my wife does struggle with rejection sensitivity even outside of her family. Often if I brought up something that I felt needed to change, her emotional reaction to feeling like she did something “wrong” would be really intense and instead of dealing with the problem, it would become about regulating her emotions. Now my wife has really good coping tools that allow her to talk about the problem without thinking she is the problem.

And the biggest update… she’s pregnant! We have a baby girl due in February. I am shitting my pants with excitement. We are going to love her so much and teach her that she is more than her beauty. She’s going to have happy parents who love each other and work through issues as a team. The toxic cycle will be broken. Jenna’s family doesn’t know and she’s not sure if/when she’ll tell them, but if she does there are going to be strong boundaries in place for how they can be a part of our daughter’s life. And it’ll start with family therapy. For now, she has one set of grandparents that will go to the end of the earth for her, and that’s more than enough. My family has been absolutely incredible in their support and their so excited for us. Things are looking better than they ever have.

That’s all folks. Thanks again for your support on this wild journey.

Tl;dr: Mary and in-laws have mostly left us alone. Jenna is a badass now. We’re having a baby and soon I’ll have two queens in my life. Captain Simp, over and out.

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 23, 2024 (9 months later)

Hello everyone, I have come here for advice before and you were all incredibly helpful, and I could really use some support again.

You can check my post history for the full story, but tl;dr: last year my wife (“Jenna”) and I had to make the decision to go no-contact with her whole family. Her sister (“Mary”, 30F) sexually assaulted me, in-laws defended her, and after some legal wrangling they finally left us alone. The situation wrecked my wife’s self-esteem and tested our relationship, but we made it through.

Jenna and I had our first daughter in February. She’s amazing and we’re doing great. We ended up moving away from Jenna’s home state (NY) to mine (MA) to be closer to my family, and they’ve been incredibly helpful with the baby. We have not seen Jenna’s family since cutting contact and blocking them everywhere, and we didn’t tell them about the baby.

Yesterday we received a letter in the mail from my MIL and FIL. No idea how they got our address. Apparently my FIL has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer and is being told he could be dead in weeks. In laws went on about how sorry they were for the way they handled the situation with Mary. They also apologized for the way they’ve treated my wife her whole life (again, check post history but basically Mary was the golden child and Jenna was an afterthought despite being super accomplished). They ended by saying they recently heard about the baby through the grapevine and want to meet their grandchild.

To me, the apology seemed genuine. They went into detail on what they did wrong, apologized and expressed remorse, and explained what they should have done differently. They said they hoped to earn our forgiveness with time and were willing to do family therapy to heal our relationship.

Jenna is not having it. She feels like it’s too little too late and doesn’t want to respond. She also suspects that they’re lying about FIL’s cancer and just want to pressure us into reconciliation so they can meet the baby. It seems ludicrous but I guess I wouldn’t put it past them.

I want to respect my wife’s feelings around this, but I’m worried that if the cancer is real, she may regret not taking this opportunity for reconciliation before he dies. I expressed this to her but she is adamant and I haven’t broached the topic since.

My instinct is to wait a few more days until the shock wears off to talk about it again. I just don’t know what the best way to approach it would be. I certainly don’t want to force my wife to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but I feel like she’s not thinking clearly about this right now. It also must be noted that our baby is still struggling with sleep and we’re both tired and emotional all the time, so I feel like this might be influencing how she feels about all this.

What should I do here? Should I try again or just let it be?

Tl;dr: In-laws are attempting to reconcile after claiming FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Wife does not want to consider it but I am worried she will regret it later on.

Edit: People, stop being mean to me. I too am tired and emotional and my feelings are getting hurt. I am not forcing my wife to do anything. I brought it up one time. I know this is not about me. I don’t personally care either way, I just want to support my wife. I intend to tell her I am here to listen/talk about it if she wants to but I fully support her decisions around this. She has a great therapist she trusts and I’ll be here to support her however I can.

Relevant Comments

OOP on respecting his wife’s decisions on how she wants to deal with the possible family health situation if it’s real

OOP: To be clear, I will absolutely respect whatever decision she makes. I just feel like the news is so fresh and we’re in such an emotionally complex place as it is that she may not be thinking clearly about it. A similar situation happened to a friend of mine and he regretted it for years, actually turned to alcohol pretty hard for a while after. My wife has worked really hard to improve her mental health and I worry about how the regret might set her back. Although I suppose if her family is actually lying/manipulating us that would set her back too. I just don’t know. Would it be terrible to bring it up again in a few days just to see if she feels differently?

Edit: I’ve also thought about asking my parents to take the baby for a couple of days so we can get away and recharge. Maybe just getting my wife in a better headspace would allow her to think things through more carefully/less reactively

OOP receiving advice on letting his wife lead the way of dealing with her family. She knows what her family is like all her life

OOP: This was really helpful, thank you so much. I will give it time and let her lead the way.

I hadn’t thought about that “earn it with time” thing — like if he actually is about to die what time are they talking about? And reading from other people that this is a common manipulation tactic makes me feel more strongly that my wife’s instinct about them lying is correct

OOP on letting his wife make decisions and don’t bring their daughter into the mix

OOP: I would never do this. Not sure what part of “I would never force my wife to do anything she doesn’t want to do” isn’t getting through to people, but I would never betray her like that. I’ve never gone behind her back and never will, we make decisions as a team and this is her call. I don’t personally care if we never see them again, it isn’t about me, I came here for advice on how to support my wife and hold space for her to talk about it. All I care about is her being okay.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITA for cutting off my cousin and her mom after they accused me indirectly of stealing at her wedding?

Trigger Warnings: accusations of theft, emotional abuse and betrayal

: May 20, 2024

Hey Reddit,

I'm in a tough spot and could really use some outside perspective on this situation. So, my cousin Emma and I have never been particularly close, but we've always been civil. When she got engaged in December 2022, I sent her a thoughtful present, which she thanked me for repeatedly. Fast forward to February, and Emma invited me to her wedding in April 2024. Living abroad and starting a new job, I made it clear that I needed advance notice to attend, and thankfully, I managed to make it.

Emma asked me to be part of her wedding entry, and despite our not being very close, I agreed, hoping it would help us build a better relationship. However, just a week before the wedding, I found out she'd been talking negatively about me and my career as a project manager. It stung, but I didn't want to cause drama before her big day, so I kept quiet.

During the wedding weekend, I helped Emma get dressed for her Hindu ceremony, and her mom told me to leave the jewelry as she would handle it later. So, I only packed away the bangles. The entry went smoothly, and I attended the reception without any complaints. However, after the wedding, I chose not to leave a gift, intending to address the hurtful comments privately after the festivities.

Days later, Emma asked me about the missing jewelry, and I told her I hadn't touched it beyond what her mom instructed. Later that day, I saw Emma posting on Facebook about missing jewelry and implying that someone in the family might have taken it. I felt uneasy, especially since her mom and I were the only family members helping her get dressed.

Then things escalated when her sister made comments on the post saying, "we didn't like her anyway". Her mom reached out to me, asking about the bangles, which made me feel like they were singling me out. Even my grandmother called, further cementing that they may have discussed me as a suspect.

Finally, another cousin messaged me saying the jewelry was found boxed up in a car. But Emma refuses to retract her accusations online because she's embarrassed. Feeling betrayed, I chose to cut Emma and her mom out of my life. I deleted them from my socials and blocked their numbers.

Now, my grandma is upset, saying I was unfair for not explaining myself. So, Reddit, am I the jerk for cutting them off without explanation? Should I have handled the situation differently?

Thanks for your insights.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Adding to my post:

I would like to add that Emma and I are first cousins. Jessica, who told me about the update, is a second cousin who is distant from Emma. So it sounds like this was being discussed with everyone but me. Thankful that Jessica heard it and decided to let me know immediately.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she has received an apology regarding the missing jewelry

OOP: No, no apologies from their end. All I've heard since was "she's embarrassed to pull her posts and say she found it"

Severe_Ad7761: NTA

Probably way off but...This was probably a set up. If she doesn't like you and y'all aren't that close then why ask you along with her mother to help her get ready? Why not her sister? That last minute invite. It was either a happy coincidence to be able to accuse you or she set you up but someone else 'discovered/found' the jewelry where they weren't supposed to be looking...a box in a car that you would think would've already been taken out by now.

OOP: Did not think about it this way. Her sister was popping in and out of the changing room, I did not think anything of it at the time. It's sick if they truly wanted to use that against me and not speak up.

Even if they post a retraction, I want nothing to do with them. Accusing me and "finding it just recently" in your car is unacceptable.

OOP on if her grandma has a favorite grandchild because of what happened

OOP: Emma is grandma's favorite btw (if you couldn't tell)

: May 22, 2024

Link to original post:

I read through the majority of messages received and I agree, I should have confronted it.

Last night, I called grandma and Emma on three way, asking about the jewelry that was CONVENIENTLY FOUND in a car. Emma said "that wasn't for me to find out as she only told her mother and grandma (obviously a lie because Jessica heard and passed it to me, she also lives abroad and isn't close to Emma). Grandma then said, "well, it's material and it's found. We don't have a long time here, let's all get along."

I responded, "no thank you, I needed a PUBLIC apology because I blindly believed Emma and I had a good relationship. I even heard she made comments about my job, which I wanted to address AFTER the wedding." Emma confirmed the comments about talking shit (re: my job and her sister's comment) but is sticking to her guns about the jewelry. I mentioned to her I was posting on Facebook about the jewelry and will attach screenshots to it. And that I wanted nothing further to do with Emma since she was not remorseful and is proud of disliking me for whatever reason.

Lesson learned. Thanks everyone!

Relevant Comments

flindersandtrim: Sorry that so many people in your family are horrible, OP. You deserve better. I could see how much you cared by willing to travel for a cousin you weren't even close with, you hoped to get closer to, and how you reacted to their bullying. You're better off without them. Do make sure to get your side of the story to others in the extended family, because you can bet that everyone involved - possibly with your grandmother seeing and not actively shutting down - will be telling a story to them where YOU are the bad guy.

OOP: That's what really hurt. I was hoping she was sincere about inviting me and asking me to participate. When she got engaged, I even sent her a present incorporating her interests and she was so appreciative (or so she seemed?). It sucks knowing I meant basically nothing.

I was hurt that they "never really liked me anyway" and made fun of my job as a project manager at an engineering firm. Have never done anything to them to warrant this - it's just confusing and hurtful.

However, the bandaid is off and life will continue without them

OOP on sharing her information with the extended family on social media about what really happened at the wedding

OOP: I'm posting it this evening regardless if she takes it down or not. Jessica gave her blessings for me to use her messages as proof, so I'm not playing around. I am not a thief, I don't care if you like me or not - you're not going to get away with that.

OOP proceeding how she dealt with the family talking badly behind her back and Emma’s background on saying bad things about her

OOP: That's my thing, why are you EMBARRASSED? You were emboldened to post about it and clearly discuss it offline w/ my name in it ...which is how it got back to me.

Emma does not have very many friends, she's one of those very religious and conservative girls - does not drink, smoke, party, have multiple partner (been with the same person for 10 years), has good grades, etc. According to other cousins', she's very much about the optics and very judgmental.

Life will be perfectly fine without her and I am looking forward to responses on my post clearing my name.

OOP responds on how her grandma was upset with her cutting off the family and accusing her for ruining Emma’s day

OOP: Correct. Grandma was one of the people questioning me, even though I gave the same answers and wants me to explain why I'm cutting off my cousin and to dismiss it because it was found.

How is that fair to me after I've been accused and had my name dragged through the mud?

: May 23, 2024

After consulting with an attorney friend and compiling all relevant evidence including screenshots and messages, we took the step of sending a legal letter to my cousin. Additionally, I made a post on Facebook, tagging family members, family friends who attended the event, the priest who officiated, and even her neighbors (yup, my petty ass went the extra mile) to bring awareness of the situation.

🔊 *Important Announcement Regarding Emma's Wedding*

Hello everyone in the Brown family,

I hope this message finds you well. I feel compelled to address a matter that has been weighing on my mind since Emma's wedding last April.

Firstly, I want to express my gratitude to Emma for inviting me to be a part of her special day. It was an honor to participate, and I was genuinely touched by the opportunity.

However, recent events have left me deeply disheartened. It has come to my attention that there have been discussions, both prior to and following the wedding, where unkind remarks were made about me and my profession. While this was hurtful, I chose to handle the situation delicately and intended to discuss it with Emma after the wedding to gain clarity.

Despite the hurtful comments, I remained committed to supporting Emma on her wedding day. I assisted her with changing outfits and took care of her belongings as requested. Regrettably, shortly after the wedding, I was unfairly implicated in the disappearance of some jewelry.

Subsequent discussions with Emma revealed that there were private conversations insinuating my involvement, which left me feeling unfairly targeted. It was only through the disclosure from a third party that the truth about the jewelry's whereabouts emerged.

I confronted Emma about these revelations, hoping for resolution and understanding. However, her response was dismissive, and she refused to acknowledge the hurtful nature of her actions. Instead, she chose to maintain hurtful social media posts, causing further distress.

In light of these events, I have made the decision to distance myself from Emma and her immediate family. My conscience is clear, and I refuse to tolerate such unjust treatment.

Furthermore, I want to assure you all that I am taking the necessary steps to clear my name. I am in contact with legal counsel to draft a letter and seek exoneration from these false accusations.

I share this message not out of spite or animosity but to set the record straight and reclaim my integrity.

PS: The missing jewelry was found by her mother in the car. For those interested in the details, I've compiled all relevant screenshots and supporting information in a Google Drive. Feel free to click the link to access it.

THE END!

Thank you everyone who supported, gave advice, and comforted me. Looking forward to going on my vacation tomorrow while Emma spends the next few days dealing with this.

EDIT: As of 8AM EST, Emma has STILL not rescinded those Facebook posts.

Relevant Comments

OOP on the birth order with Emma and how her grandma planned to distribute her possessions

OOP: That's the funny part... she's actually 4 years younger than I am! I have never been a fan of the fighting for land and jewelry, I have always told my grandma I wanted one of her saris and a pair of her earrings (if she was ok with it). Even if I didn't get the earrings, the sari would be enough. Just something to remember her by,

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for not wanting to attend my brother’s wedding after he made fun of my newborn

Trigger Warnings: body shaming, racism, bullying, verbal abuse

: May 22, 2024

So my brother (32M) has always been rude to me (34M). When i first met my wife (33) 5 years ago, he started to be rude to her as well and made fun of her because shes not as educated as him. His financee came into the scene around a year ago and she was no different and made fun of my wife for not being as educated as them. It was a big issue, lot of fights in my family because of the things they said about my wife, and my parents told us to forgive them. Fine, we did.

Last week, my brother was again making fun of me while we were at a friends place. I let it slide and just laughed it off because I’m just used to it at this point. After a while, I had enough and made a comment about his appearance. He immediately became angry and started making fun of our newborn (2 months old) in front of everyone, including his fiancee. I lost it. I swore at him and yelled at him. One of our friends told him to apologize and of course he didnt. His fiancee didnt tell him to apologize or stop.

I told our parents that i have no interest in talking to him or his fiancee and that my wife, our baby and I are not attending the wedding. Now my parents are telling us to attend, what will people think if we arent there, etc. he still hasnt said sorry and instead is saying I’m at fault because I made fun of him.

So, would i be the asshole if we didnt attend the wedding?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTA

Comments

Old_Web8071: Who gives a rat's ass what people will think if you don't attend?

If anyone asks, tell them you were tired of his & his fiance's abuse of your family.

WillSayAnything: NTA but...When do you finally grow a spine and stop apologizing or "letting thing go" because your parents tell you to?

You should honestly be NC with your brother and at the VERY LEAST LC with your parents. You obviously aren't the favorite.

You wife should've never had to endure the bs you've allowed yourself to put up with. Don't make your child another victim.

: May 23, 2024

Here is the original post:

Update:

For those of you saying this is a made up story, it is not made up. This really happened and I wish I were making it up.

We went over to my parents house last night. My brother was there as well. My parents start telling me to just move on and forget about it. That my brother has told them that he is sorry for what he said, and that he says he made a mistake. I told them how can I just forget about it? and if he was as remorseful as you guys are saying, then he could have apologized to my family and me, but he has not and it has been over a week at this point.

My brother says he made fun of my baby because I made fun of him. I tell him, I responded back to you, and even if I made fun of you first, your automatic response is to make fun of the baby, and not me? You think you're justified in making fun of my baby, for no reason? He literally says yes, he is justified. My parents didn't tell him to stop. I ask him so if I made fun of your baby when you have one, would that be right? Would I be justified? He doesn't answer. I ask him about this three more times, he doesn't respond. That let me know that no, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be justified.

Then my brother says that he will apologize to me, if I apologize to him first. My parents tell me to apologize to him. I told them why would I ever apologize for making fun of him with a comment about him, when he was making fun of me for hours, until I snapped and responded back, and his automatic response was not to make fun of me back, but to insult my newborn. I ask them to explain why they think I need to apologize to him first, when I don't think I'm in the wrong here. They don't explain and instead start calling me a bastard, useless, etc.

My mom is like families always fight, and they make up. I say, yes, families fight, siblings have arguments amongst themselves, but they don't stoop so low and start making fun of babies or children, for no reason at all. At this point I'm pissed. I tell them what kind of grandparents are you, that you are faulting me for sticking up for my baby and not tolerating him making fun of my baby.

I tell them, if you think I'm wrong for sticking up for my baby, then why don't you guys call dad's brother, and apologize to him? (Sidenote: few years ago, we found out dad's brother was spreading false rumours about my brother, and my parents haven't talked to him since). I tell them dad’s brother has emailed you, said sorry, that he was wrong, so why don't you guys call him, apologize and make up? Dad starts calling me an asshole, bastard, all kinds of names. I respond back, that I am just following your line of thought.

At this point, I knew this wasn't going to be resolved, so my wife and I left. My brother hasn't apologized and I will never apologize and that's where we stand now.

I still can't believe that I am being labelled at fault for this mess. How can I be at fault for not tolerating him making fun of my baby? How can I be at fault for not wanting to apologize to him? I don't think I owe him an apology. If he can dish it, then he should be able to take it. He shouldn't have responded with making fun of my baby and that too in front of multiple people. I never thought that my family would think its okay to make fun of a newborn.

Edit:

Wow just wow. “Dad” called, I answered. He asks if Im going to be at the wedding. Told him no, why would i go after everything. He says so you want everyone to know about this? I didnt respond. He then says to me “i hope you end up on the streets”. I say how can you say that and he responds with “yea i hope you end up in the streets.” And i respond wow youre really wishing your children end up in the streets? He says “yes because you are a bastard”. I hung up. This is just too much for me. I have no interest in talking to any of them.

Relevant Comments

OOP on his brother calling his wife and child names

OOP: Him and his fiancee have made fun of my wife in the past for being darker in color than them. He called my baby a darkie.

NotDealingToday: The worst part is, your brother isn't the biggest issue in the situation. Your parents are enabling him to be an asshole, and when they hear the true story, ask you to apologise first. You stood your ground and didn't give them what they wanted. This will go one of two ways. They'll respect you more, and won't treat you as a pushover, or they won't talk to you. Either way I think you come out ahead. You don't want that type of toxicity around your newborn.

Side note: Nice work dad, sticking up for your child like that while staying calm, if anyone in my family made fun of one of my children, even at their ages now, I'd throw hands.

FunnyCharacter4437: Send in a group chat that you have no intention to attend his wedding, and you're confused why your brother and finance would want (insert insults he's made about you), (insert insults he's made about your wife), and especially my (insert insults he made about your child) at his blessed event. We've made alternate plans that we don't intend to change, so the subject can be dropped if anyone on this chat wants to continue be involved with (insert insult about baby) "Child" again. And mean it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

I can't see my BF in the same way after what he admitted to me

TRIGGER WARNING: theft, manipulation, drug use, death of loved one, suicide attempt, overdose, betrayal

  May 15, 2024

My (33F) BF (34M), and I have been together for over 12 years now. I first met him in high school and we were friends for a few years. We lost touch after he graduated, but ended up reconnecting when I was in college. We've been together since.

About 7 years ago,  we were at a crossroads. His friend had passed away suddenly in an accident and he proceeded to spiral, he started trying drugs, staying out all night, engaging in very reckless behavior and it truly scared me. I tried everything to pull him out of it. It took a lot of work, and me almost leaving for him to start putting his life back together.

A little backstory. I work for my family's business. I have worked for the family business since I was 18 years old, and honestly, it would be great if I didn't have to work with the same people I see on the holidays. My family can be, in a word, toxic. There is a lot of infighting and drama. Working with them is similar to our personal lives, stressful and chaotic. When my grandmother passed away about 3 years ago, I was willed some liquid assets that had belonged to her and my grandfather (gems, jewelry, precious metals, cash etc) and their house they had had since the 60's. And honestly this was a blessing, with that inheritance I finally felt like I could pull free from my family and get out of the family business and take time to go back to school and do something I was passionate about. However, I had no savings at the time, and wanted to get a decent amount saved before I quit. At this time an opportunity opened up at work, the pay was way higher, but required 4-7 months of travel time a year. I talked it over with my BF and we decided that we only needed 2 years to save up what we needed. I took the job and prepared to leave for 2 months for training at the main branch.

About a month into my training, my BF suddenly quit his job, with no explanation other than "I had to, I can't work there anymore". I was concerned about our financial goals because of this, but he swore up and down that he would get a new one shortly and that he wouldn't need any help with his personal bills. Well a year went by and he had only taken up gig work and temp jobs. I wasn't happy as I was having to travel all the time and was having to be really frugal in order to get all our joint bills paid while also putting money into savings. He was managing to pay his own bills, so I let it slide since he tossed in what he could to the joint pile as well. Now I'm sitting here, about to complete my two years and my BF has decided to come clean to me.

For the past two years, while I have been working a job that has been soul crushing, and has had me away from home for weeks to months at a time. I've missed birthdays, weddings, friends baby showers, etc. I've sacrificed the last 2 years of my life to make enough to be able to live my life the way I want to. And he tells me last week that he has been paying his personal bills by selling the things my grandparents had willed me that I had left in a safe that was hidden in the house. A safe he only had access to because the hunting rifle is in there, and I thought, y'know he wouldn't do that to me.

I'm honestly in shock. It was a substantial amount and it makes me nauseous to even try to quantify it right now. I've already set in motion quitting my job and have given notice. And now I have so much less than I thought I did. He only told me because he had figured a way to pay me back and had gotten a stable job and was planning on using most of his paycheck to give to me until I was made whole. But this, just honestly disgusts me. I feel so violated. More than that, I wonder if this his go to pattern now. Life is stressful, a lot of change is happening, and he just self destructs?

After what he put me through 7 years ago, I don't know if I can look past this. Yes, he came clean to me, but I just can't seem to get past this feeling. I look at him and just feel nothing right now.  It's breaking my heart because I really care for him, and yet I just can't see anything changing. I feel so conflicted, we have been together so long and even have all the same friends and share a life together.  Will we be able to come back from this? Or, is this what falling out of love feels like?

  TL;DR! - My BF confessed to me that he used part of my inheritance to pay his personal debts while I was away traveling for work to save up enough money to leave my toxic family. I have a whole life built with him and I am conflicted on what to do, but I feel so empty when I look at him. Is this what falling out of love feels like? Can we come back from it?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

coyk0i

I honestly don't know how you didn't get violent because I would. I would genuibly prefer cheating than this.

& he only "came clean" because he was out of time.

You need to call the police or if you don't wanna go straight there you need to have him buy every single thing back otherwise you call.

You also need to sue his ass.

This. Is. In. Sane.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The one person you should be able to trust stabbing you over & over in the back because you weren't around to stop him?

Please take your time healing. This is a massive betrayal. Who takes from the dead? From their partner? & who's to say he didn't use any of it on drugs cause this is druggie behavior.

& don't you ever, EVER go back. Don't even consider reconciliation.

OOP

He decided to tell me on the phone while I was away for work. I just got home last night and saw the damages first hand. I gave my notice for work which involved getting into it with my family, so now I feel like I'm losing my family and my relationship.

~

Traeyze

I want you to note that this scenario is ostensibly  the same as 7 years ago. At that time due to stress he spiralled, became selfish and self destructive. It was only by your good grace and support that it worked out, you forgiving him for the time he wasted and the pain you put you through. Well this time he was more subtle about  it, he quit his job with no planning or realistic goals [and that's either a sign of a breakdown or that he messed up severely, I assumed the reveal was going to be he cheated] and began stealing from you to maintain that spiral. It was the same 7 years ago, this time it was just behind your back.

He can't pay you back. The money he earns and gives to you is just coming from your joint resources. It is still costing you. You can't get these last two years back, two years of subsidising him spiralling without even knowing it. That money is gone so long as you share money and that was the entire point of this exercise.

Still... you also humoured this for two years let alone what happened 7 years ago. I get you care about this guy but this really is get real about your life time. This really is a question of how many more times you go through this cycle. I worry that your life stuck with a toxic family has increased your resilience in a counterproductive way, it has  lead you to put up with his bullshit because in some senses he is less awful than they are.

  May 23, 2024

Link to my original post here

TL;DR! - My BF confessed to me that he used part of my inheritance to pay his personal debts while I was away traveling for work to save up enough money to leave my toxic family. I have a whole life built with him and I am conflicted on what to do, but I feel so empty when I look at him. Is this what falling out of love feels like? Can we come back from it?

  First,  I would like to thank everyone who commented on my original post. As hard as it was, I read every one of them. Honestly, I did not expect for so many people to be angry on my behalf and I am truly touched. In my life I have learned that the best way to answer others’ sincerity is by being sincere myself. So I'd like to try here.

I have a very small circle of people. I would say the two most important people to me in the past 15 years have been my BF and my little sister. The only two people I talk to nearly everyday and do most of my everyday life with. A little over a year ago, I almost lost my little sister when she over dosed on prescription medicine and attempted to self-exit. I was the one who found her after the fact, and spent the next 3 weeks by her side in the ICU. (The whole ordeal could be its own post really)

Now, the person that had been my best friend for my whole life, has me blocked in every aspect of her life, for reasons I still do not know. And I still wonder if she blames me for leaving that night as much as I blame myself. In my grief I lashed out at my toxic family for not listening to me when I said I was concerned about her, for not doing more, for not even being at the hospital when she needed them, for expecting me to be the one to tend to her while she was in rehab. And because I lashed out at them, I was ostracized. The only time my family talks to me now is if it has to do with work. My birthday came and went without a single one of them reaching out. It is why I was compelled to quit, as the silence and isolation was slowly driving me into a depression.

During all of this, I have been clinging to my BF. It would have been too difficult to go through without him. And I guess is the main reason why I didn’t immediately kick him out when he came clean. I have lost my best friend, and any support from family. When I gave my notice, only one person asked me to reconsider, the rest said good riddance. And even if my family is toxic, and awful to each other, it still hurts to be cast out so thoroughly.

So, when my BF came clean to me, I just went numb. It felt like I lost what little fight I had left in me. It feels like the fabric of my life is coming unwoven and I am falling apart. I am still deeply mourning the loss of my sister in my life, and grieving a family I have given up on. I have lost a lot in the past year and this is just the last thing I thought I had to worry about.

As many of you stated, it sounded like drugs. I didn’t get him to divulge exactly what he was doing with the money, but I pieced enough together. Addiction has once again taken him. My BF is a sweet, doting and genuinely funny person, but 7 years ago, he also became someone I didn’t know. His drug addiction was deep and unrelenting. It was a monumental uphill battle for him to get clean, and stay sober. But I told him, I would only stick it through with him once, and if he ever started back down that road, I would leave. So, I guess he got smart about hiding it. And me being gone 6ish months out of the year really helped him with that. I know some of you were very upset for me losing sentimental items. But my grandma’s jewelry is all there. He sold my grandpa’s collection of lets say “precious metals”, as my grandpa was a child of the depression and never had faith in banks, he stored most of his assets as such. All his kids and grandkids were given portions of that. They weren’t sentimental as much as a safety net I had every intention of using if needed.

There was a comment that was a few paragraphs, that kind of left me shaken. My denial was pointed out but also the fact that I already knew what I needed to do. But, I was looking for any way, any reason, any logic, something to not have to lose anything or anyone else right now. But I can’t escape reality as much as I may try. Some of you asked how I could even contemplate staying. The easy answer, I was/am still scared. Scared to face this world alone. Terrified, really.

 I have told him we have no more future together, and we are working on how to best separate. It is amicable. I will not be reporting him or suing him. I have talked to his mom and dad about it, and they have told me I will be made whole one way or the other and he has promised as such. I know a lot of you will be disappointed in that outcome. But I just have nothing left in me. I’m exhausted, I don’t even have the energy to get angry right now. Maybe, once I have time to process everything that might change. But, right now, I need peace.

For now, I can only focus on the present and try to take one day at a time. I didn’t ever think I would be this alone, and the pain of losing the people I loved the most in this world is a poignant heartache I will be grappling with for a good time to come.

Thank you, kind internet strangers, for letting me feel less alone in this. Thank you for your anger on my behalf. Thank you for taking time to read my post and give validity to my heartbreak.  

TL:DR!- No, we can't move on from him stealing from me. Yes, it really sucks.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

traeyre

I commented on your last post but with the additional context provided here more things click into place, especially the context of your family. I put emphasis on how this was a repeat of the previous cycle and I want to put emphasis there again.

"No, we can't move on from him stealing from me."

This isn't about the stealing per se. The stealing was a symptom of the broader problem, his drug addiction and his cycling of it as a problem. It is likely something that will haunt him his entire life and the reality is that it is not a problem you can help with, especially given you yourself are dealing with a lot of demons.

You left because drugs have destroyed his life and you can't afford to be taken down that path with him, for both your sakes.

Now it is clear you have to focus on yourself. Stay on top of your ex's parents to assure you get your money back but in the meantime look into ways to enrich your own life. Some of that may involve joining social groups, hobbies, fitness, etc. Your family and your ex are a constant source of drama and many people find once they do step away the silence can be a little deafening so you want to make sure you fill the gaps as quickly as you can.

OOP

You once again summed it up exactly. Your comment on my last post struck me, when you said my resilience had increased in counterproductive ways, I felt a little called out. But what you said was right. I do often question the magnitude of events happening in real time, and usually shrug because its not as awful as it could be. But I've been trying to learn to trust myself. I've been trying to be better than what my family is. You helped me realize I was letting myself down and going back on the work I've been doing if I just once again let the chaos stay in my life. Thank you.

traeyze

I am glad what I said was able to resonate with you. While it struck you personally I will say that this is the path to recovery all of us with let's call them 'messy' backgrounds tend to have to walk. Understanding that our very sense of what is normal is warped took me time to really understand myself but once you do you are able to see everything in a new context. And it seems you have started that journey yourself.

You can see that you are basically universally supported here, even if the advice you get varies from responder to responder. But I will say the advice that I gave, the reason I focussed on the family, was a reflection of the things you raised in your initial post. I think part of you was already on the verge of these breakthroughs.

I wish you luck in that journey.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Trigger Warning: pervy behavior; stalking; general creepiness of an older man to a young woman

Mood Spoiler: hopefully hopeful but still scary

Meme Spoiler: annnnnnnd this is why women choose the bear

Original : May 19, 2024

So I 21(F) had a knock at the door from a man who lives five doors down . I have been living on this street and have known him since I was 14, he is currently in his late 50s. For some insight I have quite bad anxiety and do not leave the house really unless necessary.

He was knocking quite loud and and looked out the window and it was him and since this was only of the only times I have ever really had him knock the door I assumed I was urgent and answered. He asked me on the date tonight and I said no and he ask for tomorrow and I said no then he went onto say let me know and I didn’t know what to say.

Ten minutes later he came back to the door but I couldn’t get myself to answer so I stuck my head out the window. He started shouting how it was on him how he would pay for everything and not to worry and how he will come see me again. I’ll be completely honest I didn’t know how to respond so I just said thanks.

He knows my mum better than he knows me so it kind of creeps me out the fact he asked me out when he has known me since I was a 14. My home is a safe space for me so the fact he came to my home and asked me out at my front door just has thrown me off I don’t know how to turn him down and feel comfortable. I was honestly thinking of just ignoring him. WIBTA?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Yikes, this neighbor was really inappropriate and his persistence after you said no is creepy and aggressive

If you feel safe doing so, telling him no without any conditions or explanation is worthwhile. For example, “I don’t want to date you or hang out with you, and I will not change my mind.” Also consider telling your parents and letting them communicate that.

If you don’t feel safe doing so, then ignoring him is fine. You are NTA.

OOP: Yes he’s older than my mum and closer to my grandfathers age than mine. I am going to tell my mum as soon as she finishes her shift thank you all so much.

Commenter: NTA but just leaving it isn’t the way to go. Next time he turns up (he will) tell him that you are not interested in dating him and if he continues to harass you that you will take it further. Essentially? If you do not tell him to stop contacting you? You will have no legal recourse.

OOP: I tried to tell him by refusing the first two day offers. Its hard to be very firm and demanding not to contacting when I don’t know how he will react especially when I’m the only one home. But I will try thank you so much!

Commenter: all these people telling you that you need to directly say no and don’t come back…I wouldn’t until you’re not alone in the house.

OOP: Thank you I won’t I don’t plan on having any contact with him without either my mum present or through her

Commenter: Do you have a way to see who it is at the door without them seeing you? Absolutely you would be NTA to ignore him. There is no social expectation that you should be polite to a much older man harassing you in what should be a safe space.

OOP: No sadly we are planning on getting a ring door bell but right now if I want to see who’s at the door they can see me too. That’s a great idea though I’m probably going to do that thank you 🙏

Commenter: Fuck that sucks. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this. I also have high anxiety and don’t leave much. My home is my safe space. To have someone invade my safe space like this would be miserable. I feel for you. Absolutely NTA

OOP: Thank you I appreciate it. Honestly since it’s happened I haven’t been able to settle any sound I’m freaking out. I’m hoping when my mum gets home from work I’ll be able relax a little.

Commenter: NTA. As others have said, do NOT open the door; be direct and say you're not interested. I don't agree with people saying to politely decline. The man is a creep, and women have been conditioned to be polite when we absolutely should not. Be assertive and direct. I recommend that you read "The Gift of Fear".

OOP: Thank you I’ll take a look at it! I’m struggling between the being polite or assertive due to how close he lives it’s a scary choice to make.

Commenter: Just remember, Being assertive isn't impolite. It's just clear communication with no room for misinterpretation. Since he obviously hasn't taken your no for an answer. Also, I will add my thoughts regarding ignoring people like this. You don't know what is in his head, and being passive or ignoring may be a huge mistake. If someone with bad intentions knocks on your door and you don't answer, they may try to enter. If someone knocks on my door when I'm not expecting company, I do not open the door, I loudly say "who is it". It's usually a salesman or a missionary. I reply "not interested". And that is all. Good luck.

OOP: Thank you, I honestly didn’t think of that. I honestly thought the first two times I said no I was being quite assertive but I guess he didn’t think so haha

OOP is voted NTA

Update 1 (Same Post): May 20, 2024 (ish- next morning)

Update: Thanks to everyone who has gave suggestions and helped me so far. I haven’t seen him this morning and his car is gone so I assume he’s gone to work. I was able to talk to my mum and she was annoyed to say the least. We have came up with a plan for the time being; I won’t be answering the door from now on unless I am notified that someone is coming. We are going to order a ring door bell so that I can check who is at the door. When my mum sees him she plans on confronting him and telling him I am not interested and that he is being highly inappropriate. I am still on edge especially since he said he will come back but I feel a little better now and I’m hoping the only other update will be him leaving me alone but thanks again. I’ll update again after my mum confronts him. Thanks again 🙂

Update 2 (Same Post): that afternoon

Update 2: Honestly I didn’t think I would be updating this fast my mum hasn’t been able to speak to him yet since he still wasn’t home from work before she left for work. I have since had a note through the letter box from him basically giving me all of his information and saying it’s hard for him and he wants to talk. I will update again if anymore happens but at the moment I am just trying to keep to my bedroom.

Final Update (Same Post): May 23, 2024 (4 days later)

Hopefully final update: He has knocked the door a few times over the last few days, my mum was home for one of them. It was early hours in the morning and he decided because I wasn’t getting back to him he would come really early in the morning. My mum was extremely annoyed to say the least and had an argument with him. I could only hear really what she was saying and she just told me not to worry and hopefully he would stop now. He hasn’t tried anything so far but yeah. My mum basically called him a creep and some other things 🫡

Editor's note: Honestly wasn't sure whether to mark this as ongoing or concluded. I went with concluded for now since OOP labeled that "final update" and we've heard nothing since, but can change it if more people disagree. (Also because OOP said she has anxiety and I hope for her sake that it's concluded)

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

Ongoing as per OOP

3 updates - Long

- 17th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

1 New Update

Thanks to for finding the update

-24th May 2024

My (21F) husband (26M) told me that he listens outside the bathroom door the entire time I'm showing to see if I'm masturbating.

How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him?

Like 6 months ago my husband came bursting into the bathroom to catch me using my vibrator in the shower. He threw a hissy fit about it and said that it was "basically cheating" and guilted me into apologizing and promising not to do it again. The next time we went to use my vibrator (during sex as we basically always did) it had stopped working (mysteriously in hindsight).

I often used it in the shower I guess just because that's basically the only time I get to myself. I eventually just turned to using the shower head and one time he pounded on the door during to ask what I was doing. Again, I didn't really think much of it at the time. Tonight I was showering (and not doing anything else) and when I came out and he was being short and pissy with me.

I asked if everything was okay and he says 'So how was your "shower"?' I said fine? Confused... he goes on to say he knows what I was doing in there and I responded by asking what he was talking about, to which he replied that every time I shower he sits outside the bathroom door and listens to see if I'm masturbating. I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say. How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him?

Comments

OOP: Thank you all for your responses. They have been eye opening. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by how much more severe you're making me realize this is...

Malachite6

Also, a bit that really concerns me is the wider picture - why do you not get any time alone? Not even in the shower?

butwhatifpigshadtoes

For real, this is such an overlooked part of this post!!

DramaticHumor5363

This. OP, what does daily life look like with your husband? You say elsewhere he’s controlling in other ways, this is just the most invasive — what are those ways?

OOP: Well just as I'm reading all these replies I'm realizing all the different ways. What I eat because he thinks everything is bad for you, what I read because the books I read are also "basically cheating", who I hang out with because my friends are all losers dragging me down, that I want to go to the gym because who am i trying to show off for, why am I wearing leggings? Who am I trying to show my ass to, etc, etc, etc.

I feel so fucking stupid right now for taking this long to realize that this isn't okay

UnicornCackle

Hey, OP, you're not stupid - you're just young. You didn't get a chance to be an adult before he swooped in. So, don't blame yourself, okay? The fact that you are now seeing the problem is a good thing as so many people can't admit it for quite some time. Can you move back in with your parents? Or friends? I fear that someone this controlling isn't going to take it well if you tell him you're leaving, so either move out when he's not around or have someone else there with you. Be safe.

Update - 2 days later

TLDR: I confronted him about this being an invasion of my privacy and he did not react well. I am leaving him and moving in with a friend until I'm done school next month, before moving back home.

Thank you so much to all of the amazing people who commented and reached out. I wasn't able to respond to anywhere near all of them but I am so grateful to everyone for opening my eyes to how toxic and unhealthy this situation is.

As I stated in this update, I called my dad and basically just explained that we were having some issues, and just to ease my mind I wanted him to come down and be nearby when I talked to my husband. He did not press for more info and told me that he was on his way. He and my mom live ~6 hours away, so it's not exactly a very ideal ask but he didn't even hesitate, which I am grateful for.

He arrived Friday night and parked outside our condo and we agreed that id call him and immediately hang up if I needed him to come inside, in case my husband got aggressive or angry. I did not expect him to, since he never has before, but some of the comments made me feel like I'd better be safe rather than sorry.

I debated all day Friday about how exactly to approach this situation and how I could trigger this conversation without him shutting down or getting angry. I decided to casually approach the conversation and ask him how he'd feel about me getting another vibrator (to replace the one that mysteriously broke after he 'caught' 'me using it in the shower).

In response he asked "what for?" To which I replied "because it feels good". I knew this would be his response, but it was something along the lines of "what am I not good enough"? As it usually was in the past. I explained to him that it has nothing to do with him not being good enough, and that sex is supposed to be fun and experimental and interesting and that it was just something that would make it better for both of us.

He then suggested that I just wanted it to use on myself, to which I asked if that would be a problem. He told me that I know how he feels about that and so I asked him why he was bothered by the idea of me masturbating. He got very defensive and asked why I would want that when I could have him, so I asked if he ever felt like he'd rather just pleasure himself rather than going through the motions of having sex.

He said no and that he's "not a beta who spends his days stroking when he could be doing anything more productive". I explained to him that that was okay if it was his preference but that sometimes my sexual desires are to pleasure myself versus having sex. That's when his same ridiculous argument came out of that being "basically cheating". Pulling from another Redditor, I explained that cheating involves multiple people, and that it is impossible to be cheating if I am alone.

He told me to "fuck off and go stick the shower head between my legs". I started to get upset and realized that here is when I always back down. I feel the need to apologize and make him feel better, id usually have started something and would end up guilt fucking him because I felt bad, but I didn't.

I told him that he made me feel like he was trying to control me and my body and that I wasn't okay with that. He told me I could "go be a fucking whore somewhere else then" and got up off the couch and ran upstairs. I could hear him slamming my drawers open and acting like he was putting my clothes in a bag. I resisted the urge to run up there after him and just decided to sit there and see what would happen.

Eventually he came back downstairs and apologized and said that he's very uncomfortable with the idea of me masturbating in our home, when I asked him to explain why, he said because it makes him feel unwanted. I told him that this isn't true, and that I do want him, but sometimes I just want that and he said "okay I guess".

I decided to leave it at that for the night, and didn't want to press any further. I told my dad it was okay to go and that I was so sorry for wasting his time and he told me he'd be staying the weekend at a hotel just to be safe.

Eventually we went up to bed and I realized if I left it at that it would just get swept under the rug like it always does. I'd go on putting up with this until it came full-circle again and I was not going to do that to myself.

I decided to ask him about him telling me that he listened to me when I showered. I told him I wanted to talk about it and he told me that he was just joking and that "I'm a fucking moron if I actually thought he was serious". I told him that it was an odd joke, especially considering he was angry and very much not laughing when he told me.

He insisted that he was joking and I told him that i didn't believe him. He then responded by saying he wouldn't do it again. This went in circles for a bit before he finally admitted to deciding to do this after catching me in the shower. Instead of accusing him of anything, I asked him if he thought that was an invasion of my privacy, to which he informed me that we are married and I do not have privacy.

I told him that was an issue and that in order to have a healthy marriage we both needed privacy. He was determined that there is so such thing as privacy in marriage, so I flat out asked him if he wanted me in the bathroom while he was pooping. He said no, I said "right , because you want your privacy". He told me that's different.

Over the course of the next 10 minutes or so, this escalated from a simple conversation into a full blown screaming match, and we got absolutely nowhere in our argument. It was like talking to a brick wall. I was so heated by this point that I don't even remember what was said, but he eventually told me I was: a fucking worthless whore, that i had nothing without him, that my vag was disgusting and made him sick, that I was fat and no one will ever want me (I'm 125 lbs btw), that im lucky someone like him would even look in my direction, etc, etc, etc.

I could barely see my phone through the tears and I called my dad and asked him to come get me.

My husband looked at me and said "you're fucking dad isn't driving 6 hours to come get you you dumb fuck". I started to grab some random things of mine and yelled that he was here staying in town, and he broke down and started sobbing.

He told me that he knows he's controlling, that he has serious issues, and that he's terrified of losing me. He said that he knows he's not good enough for me and that he's so afraid of losing me that he's pushing me away to save himself the inevitable heartache. He said that if he ever lost me he'd k*** himself.

As I watched this grown ass man snotting and crying in a heap on the floor, I kinda realized that I feel nothing for him. Like, nothing. The blinders I've been wearing were removed and I no longer saw the handsome, intelligent, caring, strong man I once did. I saw a pathetic, abusive, controlling, sad, and sick person. I came to the realization in that moment that there's no fixing this, and even if he does change, I would never trust him or see him in the same way again.

My dad knocked on the door and my husband ran and hid in the bathroom. I took my bags and went outside to meet him. He asked me if I wanted to talk about what was going on and I said no. He asked what I needed from him and I asked if we could just go back to his hotel room. He asked if my husband hit me and I said no.

Before we had even gotten to the hotel my husband began texting me. It started with pleading with me to stay and forgive him and turned into insults over the course of the next day or so. He never threatened me physically, but told me if I didn't come home I'd lose him forever, that I'd be losing out on the best man I'd ever have, etc, etc. he told me that his friends laughed at him for being with such an ugly bitch, that his parents hate me because they know I'm not good enough for him, that I couldn't get pregnant because I'm probably a fucking whore banging other guys on the side, that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, and so much more.

I'm leaving. And not because Reddit told me to, because I'm genuinely not even remotely interested in staying with him and because I deserve better.

I spoke to a friend from school, and will be staying with her until I'm done school next month. After that, I'm going home to figure some things out and get a fresh start.

I'm currently in bed in a hotel room with my dad and have never felt more loved or safe. He is going to go over to the house tomorrow and retrieve my belongings, after which he is helping me move into my friend's apartment and then heading home.

I don't have much to say at this point other than thank you again to everyone who made me realize how dangerous this situation could have been. I was determined that we were not going to divorce but after Friday night I don't think there's any going back to that. I'm over it. I might update again, I might not. But making that post genuinely might have saved my life. Thank you.

Comments

MrOceanBear

Make sure you turn off the location sharing. If you are on his phone plan get on your own/your parents. Good luck

MissMarionMac

Also: Change all of your passwords to ones you've never used before. If he's listed as your emergency contact anywhere (school, doctor's office, etc), contact them and change that. Put down a friend you trust, and/or your parents. You should talk to a lawyer before you do anything to any shared financial accounts, but any bank accounts etc that are just in your name--lock those down and make sure he can't access them.

BikingAimz

And at the very least, if you do share bank accounts, print out the last year of bank statements, or take screenshots. That way if there is tampering, you already have a paper trail. Your future lawyer will thank you.

Things to consider? - same day

I'm about to go through a divorce with an abusive husband. I'm wondering what are some of the things to consider, how I can get this done quickly and avoid being anywhere near him? I'm planning to move back home at the end of June/early July when I'm done school and it's quite a distance (~6 hours) from where we live now. Will there be any need to travel back and fourth? Thanks in advance for the advice.

Last post from OOP - 1 day later

Text Message from ex -

LMfao. Stopped sharing location cuz your getting fucked at some other guys house

Comments

pantan

How fast did he notice after you turned it off?

OOP: It notifies the other person so pretty much Immediately

New Update - 4 days later

Thank you so very much to everyone for all the caring and reassuring comments, and for your patience in waiting for an update. It's been a roller coaster of a few days, but here's a few updates:

•I have not blocked his number because I want to collect these messages in case they are needed during divorce proceedings or anything like that. Also, no I have not responded at any point. Eventually he turned to sending me texts about how he'd been cheating on me the entire time we were together and told me that he fucked 2 girls the night of his bachelor party (I forgot to mention, I wasn't allowed to have a stag party!).

Whether he's telling the truth or not, I don't really care. He also told me that he can't believe how easy I was and that he never intended to stay with me but that he just wanted to fuck me when I turned 18 and "dip". He stopped texting me after sending me an essay on Wednesday about how he was going change and wanted another chance and all that. I have to confess that I almost caved reading that because he was saying things that made me believe that he was telling the truth. This is a very scary time for me and staying is always more convenient, but I just had to remind myself that he was just saying anything he could to try and get his way.

•I've began to realize just how complicated divorce is. It's not just pack up and leave. We have a joint bank account, bundled auto insurance and phone plans, I have his last name, his name is on my car loan, all of our subscriptions are shared, etc. thanks to all the Redditors who shared great advice with this stuff and I have began the process of severing these ties.

I started by cancelling all of our shared subscriptions and then deleting our shared email account. I also called our phone provider and they were super helpful and offered to just split our plans, but I wanted to switch to a different company just to be safe and they essentially just cancelled my line without much hassle at all. I got a new phone (and number) and am now on my parents plan.

I also turned off my shared location with him before that, and since, like I said I have gotten a new number, and blocked him on all social media, changed my email address and updated all of my accounts and services with the new email and a new password. I also made a new Apple ID since I can't just buy a new laptop for school given the cost, so that should also ensure he has no access to my info as well.

•We (my parents and I) met (virtually) with a divorce lawyer that my dad knows and referred me to on Wednesday and she is taking care of getting me off of the joint bank account, locking my credit (didn't even know this was a thing but thanks to the redditor who mentioned it), getting his name off of my car loan, and getting the formal process started for divorce. I don't want any money I just want out as fast as possible.

•I am moved into my friends apartment! It's a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom so I stole her library/office/music room but she was so accepting of me joining her and having our own space is nice even if it's just for a couple months. I am so grateful to her for letting me stay and not even questioning it.

•As many of you mentioned, YES my dad is a literal rockstar. He, my mom, and my friends have all been so helpful and supportive and I cannot thank them enough.

•My dad went to the house Monday to retrieve my belongings and he took my friends boyfriend with him, mostly just to help pack and move everything as fast as possible, but also just in case he was home and anything went sideways. My dad said he was home and refused to answer the door at first but eventually did and just sat at the kitchen table the entire time they were there. I don't own much. I took a bunch of clothes and essentials like bathroom stuff and electronics with me when I left, so they were in and out in like 45 minutes. Basically everything in that house in his and was purchased with his own money.

•My divorce lawyer is basically taking care of everything because I seriously need to focus on school right now, but I want this process wrapped up as quickly as possible. My exams wrap in late June and I'm trying to be calm and patient because if I'm just in a huge rush to get out of here, I fear that my exams will go very poorly. My friend is helping me a lot with studying and getting prepared and I always join study groups in preparation for exams, which are super helpful as well.

•No this is not the first time he's turned to insults during an argument or when he doesn't get his way but it's by far the most hurtful and explosive.

•I am 100% committed to divorce and I will not be looking back or changing my mind, no matter what happens at this point. This is a promise that i have made to myself and it's a promise that i really struggled to make. I still feel sick and have a constant nerve in my stomach, because the idea of actually leaving and starting over is extremely terrifying.

Thankfully i have a great support network and know that I will have people there to help me through this every step of the way. I also just keep reading the messages he sent me the last few days and reminding myself that no one talks to someone they love like that and that he is no example of a man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

•My dad went home yesterday (reluctantly I might add) and he and my mom are both coming back to visit next weekend.

•Also, if you think that this is fake or exaggerated I genuinely could not care less. I am the one living this shit and I do not need people downplaying the trauma I am going through. I also do not need to hear that you think I'm over reacting or that I'm in the wrong. The event I originally posted about is not the only reason I am leaving. I am leaving because that post and those commenting opened my eyes to just how controlling and abusive this man is and always has been. Thanks

Think that's it for now. Thanks so much to all of you for being so great to me. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through but I just keep reminding myself that I will be okay and that I can do this.

Comments

iloveesme

I wish you the very best for your new start. Concentrate on those exams and you’ll have life on your terms!!! Congratulations and the best of luck on the rest of your life, it’s going to be great!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

My comments show me an error if I try to watch them in my profile. Plus chats work really bad

I'm having trouble naming it help.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update -Medium

- 21st May 2024

- 29th May 2024

AITA for refusing to forgive my sister for calling the police and CPS on me?

I(43M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 15 years now. We have 3 kids (9F, 6F and 2M).

My wife and I are kinky, we are mainly into bondage and some mild impact play (relevant).

Since we had kids, we had to cut back on our “play time”. Maintaining a vanilla sex life is already challenging with 3 kids, let alone carving the kid of alone time needed to safely engage in BDSM.

About a month ago, we asked my sister (48F) to take the kids for a weekend so we can have some alone time. She agreed to take pick them up from our house Friday evening, and drop them off Sunday night.

Saturday evening, while we were engaging in some bondage and impact play, my sister starts blowing my phone. By the time I was able to answer (I had to take care of my wife’s safety first), my sister is knocking our door down.

We were frantic, and didn’t do a good enough job at hiding the rope marks on my wife’s wrists. My sister says that her daughter is in the hospital (just a simple sprain while playing soccer)and she needs to go. And, we didn’t notice, but she clocked my wife’s “bruises”.

The next day, she arranges some alone time with my wife, and tells her if I’m abusing her, then she will support her to report me and leave me. My wife was embarrassed, but she explained the whole thing to my sister. Then she told me what happened.

I talked with my sister, and also explained the situation, even if it was very mortifying. She seemed to accept our explanation.

Fast forward two weeks, and we get the cops and a CPS agent at our front door. Apparently there was an anonymous complaint that I was physically abusing my wife and kids.

I was treated like a criminal, the kids were questioned separately, as was my wife. I didn’t even think about my sister, but my wife did. She took everyone to our bedroom, showed them our toys, and even offered to show them some homemade movies if it was going to convince them. Thankfully they believed her and then left.

My wife again called my sister, who admitted to calling the cops multiple times, but when they did nothing, she called CPS and hoped that they will investigate.

My wife again showed her our toys, went into explicit details I never wanted anyone to know about our intimate life, and finally my sister was convinced. She said that she was sorry, but she was only doing what she thought what was right.

But I was deeply hurt that she thought that I was capable of doing what she accused me of, that she could have cost me my kids, my freedom and my job. So I told her that I am not ready to forgive her.

She says that I am the AH, that it was a logical conclusion, and that I should be happy that she is willing to go this far to protect my wife and kids. So AITA?

Comments

xanif

It was the logical conclusion before you let her know what was going on. It was not the logical conclusion after that. Especially as there was no evidence anything was being done to the children. That part especially is fabricated. NTA

allpen

NTA. Your sister overstepped big time. While her intentions might have been good, she caused unnecessary trauma and stress. Trust is hard to rebuild after something like this.

12312312321_

Exactly. Trust is fragile, and her actions broke it. She should have respected your explanations instead of escalating things. Rebuilding trust after such a breach is incredibly difficult.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 8 days later

So, I read almost all of the comments, but I was too emotionally exhausted to answer. Sorry about that.

Some things happened since then:

First of all, I took your advice, and went NC with my sister and her family. I tried to go NC just with her, but she would use her husband and kids to try and get in contact with me and my wife. We also had her name taken off the school/daycare pickup list, in case she tries anything there.

Second of all, I also took your advice, consulted with a lawyer that I ended up hiring. His advice to me was to document everything. He requested a copy of both the police and CPS reports, as well as all the texts she sent me and my wife.

And lastly, he filed for an order of protection, he said that there is a small chance that it will be granted, because while she is harassing us, she is not threatening or anything. But it will be good to have it on record, in the case of any future altercations.

We are also installing security cameras outside and inside the house, as just an in case measure.

Thankfully the kids did not understand exactly what happened, my eldest even thinks that it’s cool that she met a “pretty policewoman”, so at least no therapy for the kids.

Thank you everyone, for all your advice.

Comments

burntllamatoes

She attempted to nuke your life. And put your kids in the system. A good 10 year timeout is in order.

ShankatsuForte

It's always unfortunate when people can't just mind their own business, when I was in high school some dumb girl started telling everyone I beat my girlfriend because she had a black eye.

That she got in her shotokan karate class she had been in since middle school. That she had been very proud and upfront of having a blue belt in. Although skill wise she was probably more closer to purple/brown she was just anxious about testing.

Neither of us even knew this girl, she just outright started spouting off bullshit. I never even did shake it, that kind of shit can follow somebody around for years. I'm glad I moved out of that state and don't have to deal with any of those people.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

minscore:5

Asking to check internet activity. My internet activity is fine.

Banned 1 year ago due to being unmoderated.

It says let's try again reddit is having some trouble with a retry button . I tried using it but it doesn't work . At first I thought it was my wifi connection but I tested it it's not that .I tried clearing cache , re-installed it , used anonymous browsing . Nothing is working.

If you’re here, you probably just started a community on Reddit. Welcome to another post that’s part of our new mod education series. This time, we looked into what our most seasoned mods had to say about sparking conversation in new communities. We took all that great advice and compiled it here for your reading pleasure.

Want to learn how other communities got their start on Reddit? Check out community success stories for inspiration. Okay, let’s get started.

One of the most crucial first steps in forming a community on Reddit is to post quality content so people can engage as soon as they discover you. Having lots of content shows that your subreddit is active, thriving, and inviting – and can help new members get inspired to participate.

However, it might feel like you’re posting into the void if no one responds to what you’re sharing. Let’s walk through three things you can do to turn silent lurkers into engaged members of your community.

1 - Use the power of questions

Ever notice how people can't resist chiming in on controversial takes or interesting questions in subreddits like or ? Our research suggests that people are most likely to comment when they feel they have a point of view to share with others. That means you should be posting prompts that ask your visitors for their opinion! Give your subscribers a reason to share their thoughts every week.

2 - Give positive affirmations

We’ve polled over a dozen successful subreddit creators on things they did to successfully grow their communities. Many creators said they affirmed people who commented in their community.

What does an affirmation look like? It can be as simple as responding to every comment with something like, “Thanks for sharing your point of view!” or “Love this.” Affirmations can be simple. Show some love to brave souls who take the plunge and leave a comment. People in your community will start feeling valued for their contributions and will be more likely to contribute to a conversation again.

3. Lead by example

Your subscribers will be looking to you on how to behave in this community. You can lead by example and make comments on your own posts (from the same account). That’s right! Commenting on your own posts is a nifty trick that can help your subscribers feel like they can contribute if they see someone else has already jumped into the conversation.

Turn on GIFs or images in comments, and you can start using the power of a fun GIF comment to lighten the mood on every post.

To enable GIFS and images in comments in your community, go to Mod Tools, select Community Settings, Posts and Comments, and tap or click on the settings toggle under “Media in Comments”.

So there you have it – a few tried-and-tested tips to sparking conversations in your new community. Remember, when everyone is standing around a pool, there is always a bit of hesitation. No one wants to be the first to jump in! So, you have to lead by example. Show your community that it’s a safe place to have a bit of fun.

Want to learn more about starting a community? Check out the and get your community on the path to success!