I am not The OOP, OOP is

Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marraige because I learned my wife cheated on my while we were dating?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, gaslighting

  Jan 8, 2024

My wife (44F) and I (43M) have been married 20 years. We started dating in high school when I was a junior and she was a senior. We were long distance for her first two years of college while I was in high school and did one year at community college, then we went to college in the same city for a year, and have lived together since. We got married the summer after I graduated college. Our marraige has been pretty great so far, but I initated a divorce after I discovered that she was sleeping with multiple other men for the 2 years we were long distance.

Just after Christmas, we got together with a few friends of hers from college to catch up, have dinner, and hang out. We talked about a lot of stuff and my wife mentioned that we met in high school (not that we dated, just that we met). Her old college room commented that it was crazy that we met in high school, had a few wild years in college, then ended up together. I played along and commented that I didn't know if my wife was as crazy as I was. The roomate started to tell a story, but my wife cut her off and said she was uncomfortable about it. I sensed something was up, so I said that we actually started dating in high school and were together for my wife's entire time at college. All of my wives friends got real quiet and the rest of the dinner was awkward. On the way out, one of her other roomates took me aside and said I should have "an honest conversation" about what happened at college.

I asked my wife on the way home and she kind of blew me off. I told her it was important that she was honest with me and again she said it wasn't important. When we got home, I told her I was going to stay at my brother's house until she was ready to talk about what happened in college. The next day she came over and admitted to sleepting with "several" men during her first two years at college. She said she didn't consider it a big deal at the time because we were long distance and she didn't think a high school romance would last. I pressed for more details and she said it was at least 10 different men including at least 3 guys she introduced to me as friends when I came to visit on weekends and 1 guy she was still in contact with. I told her that I wanted a divorce and would be starting the paperwork as soon as I could (which I did on January 2nd).

Her family and most of my family is telling me I shouldn't throw away my marriage over a few mistakes. I've stood by my belief that cheating on me with multiple men for years is unacceptable no matter when it happened and the fact that she continued to maintain relationships with these guys right in front of me was an unacceptable amount of disrespect. We have two children, but they are 17 and 19 and I believe they will understand why I need to end the marraige. Am I wrong for leaving? I feel like I'm going crazy with the amount of people telling me to over look years of infidelty and decades of lies.

EDIT: Holy shit I'm glad I did this with a throwaway because the response here is unexpected.

I obviously can't answer every question/comment, but I wanted to provide some detail for common questions.

- The reason I posted this is that my wife and a few friends have been saying it's common to sleep with other folks when you're in an long distance relationship and that I'm kind of the odd one out for not sleeping around. I felt like I was being gaslit, but I wanted an outside perspective. We live in a state with a waiting period to finalize a divorce, so I felt it was a reasonable idea to get some insight before things are finalized. After these comments, I see a handful of folks saying it's normal to sleep around during a long distance relationship, but it seems to be a significant minority.

- We saw each other a couple of weekends a month during the two year college period. I lived about 3 hours away from her college, so it was long distance but not like cross country. This was not a situation where we went months without seeing each other.

- The 3 guys I met while she was in college were meetups that happened during parties. The subject of me being a boyfriend didn't really come up, so I honestly don't know if these guys knew anything.

- The one guy we're still in contact with married a mutual friend from college. This is not some guy she secretly messages on the side, it's somebody we've talked to regularly for years. I've talked to him a few times since I've learned about my wife. He's said he didn't know we were dating at the time and has since blocked my wife on social media.

- Some folks have asked how the roomates didn't realize at our wedding that the timelines didn't work out. The main reason is that my wife and I had a very small ceremony with just close family in Texas, then went back to the East Coast to have a big party with friends. The typical reception/sharing details about how we met stuff didn't really happen, so her roomates didn't realize we started dating before college. It sounds like they thought we only dated for the year we were both in the same city, then moved in together.

- I was open to therapy or some kind of attempt to save the marraige, but her insistence that this whole thing is common and I'm the one who's out of line is just too much for me. The only time she showed any remorse or even offerred to reconsile is when I started filing paper work. In the last week she's gone back to saying she's right and I'm overreacting. This is also why I feeling like I'm being gaslit. It seems obvious that this is a major issue, but I've got my wife and others telling me it's normal and I'm overreacting.

- I'm not getting a paternity test unless my kids want to get one. I don't have any doubts that they are biologically mine, and no test will make them not my kids. I love them more than anything in the world and my wife's infidelity won't change that even if one or both of them is not biologically mine. They've been my kids for 19 years and they will be my kids until I stop breathing.

FINAL EDIT: Hey all, I've been reading a bunch of the responses, but things are getting crazy and increasingly unhinged, so I probably won't be checking in more. Here are few more answers to common questions I've seen.

- We were definitely exclusively dating at the time. First, dating culture was a lot different 20ish years ago and exclusive was kind of the default for most people. Second, we had a long and difficult discussion before she left for college about continuing the relationship long distance. She specifically wanted to stay together and even joked about her dad coming after me if I started sleeping around with girls at my school. Finally, at my senior prom, she was not able to attend and was very upset when I proposed going with a platonnic female friend of mine. As a result I ended up skipping my prom and hanging out with her instead. While we never said the word exclusive, I think the above reasons, combined with the general relationship before she left, are enough to assume exclusivity.

- Based on some comments here, I followed up with the friend that said I should have an honest conversation. She told me that "10 guys would be on the low end" and that her biggest concern was that there was apparently at least one pregnancy scare that I didn't know about. I honestly don't think that really changes much. It's less about the number for me and more about the fact that she seems incapable of recognizing why this was wrong or why I feel betrayed.

Thank you all for the helpful responses, even those that disagree with me. I will still be open to therapy if she's willing, but I honestly feel like it would be more about us being successful coparents and finding closure than saving our marraige.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

On if the wife is willing to work to repair the marriage

It would change a lot if I felt that she wanted to fix this. Throughout our conversation about it, she repeatedly dismissed my feelings and told me I was overreacting to "totally normal behavior". She didn't show any regret or consideration for how it hurt me until she realized I was serious about divorce, then she got defensive and angry. She didn't offer to fix things in any way until I started the paper work and notified her that I had a lawyer.

I think we can navigate being parents. Our kids are older and I've been putting away money for college/post high school for a long time, so a lot of the custody and monetary issues that come up shouldn't be a big problem. We're also both financially stable and make good money.

On the timing of everything

I've hired a lawyer, he drafted an intent to seperate, and sent her a copy certified mail. As far as I know, that's not any legal divorce paper with the state, but rather a part of the process to ensure that she as an opportunity to hire her own lawyer if she wants to contest it.

Actually going through the divorce will likely take months.

I'm not really moved out. I've been crashing at my brother's place while I make arrangements for a more permentant living scenario.

As far as timing goes, the dinner happend on the 26th. I went to my brother's house that night to cool off and give her a chance to think about things. We talked several times over the course of 4-5 days and she made it clear that she didnt' believe she didn't anything wrong. If there was any kind of remorse/regret/basic consideration of my feelings on her part, I probably would have waited. However, she didn't so I found a divorce lawyer and he had boilerplate intent to seperate agreements that we filled out and sent over the same day.

Even now, we're obviously not legally divorced and I don't even know if there is a legal concept of seperation in my state, but I've made it clear this is happening and started the process.

  Feb 5, 2024

I wanted to provide some updates here as my original post got a lot of traction.

TL;DR version: My wife and I are seeing a couples counselor and have been to 3 sessions now. Based on what my original post outlined, and what we've talked about in counseling, I'm still moving forward with the divorce. I believe that counseling was the right move, and I appreciate folks for recommending it. I don't think it's going to save our marraige, but it has helped me communicate my feelings, helped my wife understand where I'm coming from, and most importantly helped us be in a position to work together as co-parents.

First, let's talk about the things I learned about the situation in college. After talking to my wife in sessions and texting with two of her roomates, it's clear that her roomates knew something was up in college. They said they though the situation was weird and likely involved cheating. My wife had told them that we both had some wild times in college and worked it out before we got married, so they never really brought it up. The roommate who pulled me aside recently was uncomfortable with the fact that my wife clearly didn't talk it through with me, and wanted me to know.

As far as being introduced to guys she slept with, apparently that was not intended. For one of the guys, he ended up dating and then marrying one of our mutual friends from college. This is the guy she was in contact with. In the other situations, she initially blamed me in the counseling session, but has now agreed it was bad. When I went to visit her, she planned to hang out in the room or just hang out together alone, but I wanted to go to a few parties because in HS and community college, I didn't really have parties to go to. She didn't expect me to meet the guys, but they were at the parties and she felt she didn't really have a choice. I still think this is kind of shitty, but it's not as bad as her intentionally parading me infront of the guys.

Most of our discussion in therapy has been talking about why I think it's a big deal and she doesn't. She initially said that none of these guys were in relationships with her and it was mostly one night stands or FWB. Since she didn't view them as romantic relationships, she didn't see the big deal (her words not mine). My opinion is that we never said that was ok and she actively prevented me from doing the same. After digging into this across two sessions, and my wife talking to some friends, she now agrees that it was a breach of our trust/relationship. This is the shared understanding that has helped us talk about this situation more honestly and helped us get from arguing to talking (which is why I'm optimistic about co-parenting).

Now, here's why I'm 100% set on divorce. Two things came up that make me want to leave the marraige. First, about 10 years ago we went through a really rough patch and had a dead bedroom for about 2 years. She had expressed that our sex life was becoming boring, so I tried to spice things up (nothing crazy, just roleplay and like spencers gift level sex toys). Apparently, she had been hung up some sexual experiences that happened in college (that she is not comfortable talking about) and wanted me to try them, but when I did it made her feel awkward and guilty that it made her think of other men while she was with me. The fact that she's saying these experiences were meaningless, but they're still impacting our marraige tells me they meant more than she wants to say. Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. That was the absolute dealbreaker for me.

We have told our children that we're getting a divorce. We told them it was due to some bad decisions that we made in college that we're having trouble moving past. My 19 year old (who is in college) asked me if I cheated on my wife while she was away at college. My wife got a little shaken up, but admitted to the kids that she's the one who cheated. We have agreed to not share any additional details with the kids. I reenforced that both us will be there for the kids and that we are in therapy to help make sure we handle this in the best way for the family. I also told the kids that if they wanted to talk to either of us or a therapist about it, that I would fully support it.

We've started talking to a mediator about how to proceed with the divorce, and unless things change, we should be able to have an amicable divorce. We're both financially stable on our own, we have no major debts, and our kids are older, so custody isn't a major issue. This has been a shitty couple of months for me, but I'm doing ok now and I honestly am grateful that my last post blew up because it both validated some of my feelings, but also motivated me to go to counseling with my wife.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Historical-Pie-5052

Sorry OP but this is for the best. She's been keeping you in the dark for over twenty years.

"She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers."

If you believe this then I gotta bridge on Mars to sell you. Dead bedrooms for young couples usually mean someone is getting somewhere else.

OOP

I don't really believe it, but I also don't think it's worth it to dig into it more. I'm going to get an STD panel done to make sure I'm safe and I really don't need to know anymore.

If it was just a date, we're getting divorced. If it was more, we're still getting a divorce, so pushing the issue won't do anything but make it harder for us to co-parent. I'm also reasonably sure that she was cheating during our dead bedroom situation, we were having sex like once every 2-3 months and we usually have sex 2-3 times a week. Again, I have enough to know it's time to move on and I digging more into it will only make the divorce harder.

~

Know_1_7777777

Has she even apologized for everything she put you through? Especially the part where she went on a date with some asshole?

OOP

Before our counseling and at the first appointment, she was not apologetic. In the second appointment, the focus was for me to explain the effect it had on me. She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session. It's too little too late, but she's not some kind of emotionless monster.

~

mofugly13

I'm super curious to know what kind of sexual things she was hung up on from her past but that she felt uncomfortable doing with you?

That alone seems very red flaggy.

OOP

I didn't really want to dig into it too much. Right before the dead bedroom stuff started, she was asking to experiment with new stuff in the bedroom. It was mostly BDSM kind of stuff that was a little more intense than I was comfortable with. At the time, Fifty shades was popular and she got into some other smutty kind of reading. I attributed the change in sex to that, but my guess is that some of the guys she was with in college were into BDSM stuff. Maybe it was a combination of the two.

She hasn't admitted to cheating during that time, but I'd be willing to bet the dead bedroom at home was because she found another person to do kinky shit with.

When asked about why the daughter thought he cheated

To be fair, my 19 year old daughter had some issues with shitty boyfriends who have either cheated or dumped her suddenly to be with somebody else. I'm also the one who left the house. Given her experience with men and the fact that I'm the one who left the house, it make sense that would be her first thought.

When cheating came up, my wife made it clear that she was the one who cheated.

TBH, I'm not really too concerned about the narrative here. From what I can tell, she hasn't said anything bad about me to our kids. In addition, given her admission of recent flirting/cheating and the fact that she's ready to file a joint, amicable divorce after 6 weeks and 3 counseling sessions, I think she was ready to move on before I was. It makes the logistics of the divorce easier, but it hurts a bit to realize she's having an easier time walking away from a 20 year marraige than I am.

OOP when told not to be surprised if she starts dating again

I'm pretty sure that she's already looking. We've had one meeting with an equitable divorce mediator and she specifically stated that we are married until the divorce is final and any adultery that happens before that date could jeopardize the amicable divorce settlement. It seems kind of dumb to me since we're getting divorced due to infidelity, but my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up. I also imagine that the fact that I'm  living in the guest room isn't helping her prospects.

At the end of the day, I'm doing my best to try to accept that our marraige is over and I've been going to therapy on my own (in addition to our couples therapy) to help deal with it. I'm mentally prepared for the fact that there's a good chance I see the coworker she "only dated" again, but I'm also hopeful that I can find a place and be ready to move out before the divorce is finalized. If everything goes well and we can create a plan with the mediator, we will be divorced by summer, I will be in my own place, and she can "just date" which ever coworkers she wants.

NEW UPDATE

  May 21, 2024   Hey all, this is likely the final update on this account as things have mostly resolved.

My wife and I have completed our divorce and everything is official. We had an uncontested, amicable divorce with minimal disagreements. Our lawyers worked together to create the plan through mediation and a judge signed off on it a few weeks ago. In the end, the actual divorce process was pretty straight forward. The only complication was that our 17 year old was adamant about my having custody because their relationship with my ex-wife has really fallen apart as a result of this.     Initially my wife dug in her heals and was ready to give up on the uncontested marraige, but my son pretty much told her she could choose between letting him have a break for a few months to process and rebuild, or force him to live with her until he turns 18 and risk never seeing him again. I felt this was a bit harsh, but my wife backed down and we moved foward with my having primary physical custody until my son's birthday later this yer. For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him. Fortunately, as the divorce moved forward he has been spending more time with my ex and I'm optimistic they will work through this.

In the end, we pretty much split our retirement and investments 50/50. For our house, my wife really liked the house and I didn't, so she kept the house and most of the furnishings and took out a mortgage to pay me back half of the equity and half of the estimated replacement value of the furniture. Pretty much all of our other stuff was either easy to split (my car and her car, my music gear and her hobbies, clothing, personal effects, etc) or we just agreed to sell it and split the resulting profit. Things were a bit easier for us because we had already documented most of our valuable items and electronics for an insurance rider we added to our home insurance a few years ago.

Things have been going well for me personally. Both of the kids spend most of their time at my place and we are still very close, which was my biggest fear in the divorce. I have a new house that I really love and I gave into the mid-life crisis urge and traded in my outdated minivan for a Lexus LC550. I even had a woman at work (not a close coworker) invite me out to a coffee date. While I was up front with her that I'm not ready to date just yet, she said she would be happy to take a rain check and would be happy to go out with me when I'm ready. I'm honestly thrilled because she's really smart, has a great sense of humor, and our positions at work are far enough apart that we don't really work directly with each other at all.

My ex and I are continuing to go through couples counseling together. We have transitioned into having closure on our marraige and making sure we maintain our relationship enough to be effective coparents. While these sessions have been great to help me process things and keep things as healthy/positive as possible given the circumstances, it has also reenforced that divorce was the right option. It's clear from some answers in the sessions that my wife immediately started dating once the divorce process started, so whatever love was there was clearly on the way out already. I'm pretty sure the coworker she was "just friends" with dropped her off at our recent session. The fact that it doesn't even really make me mad is a good sign that I was also probably done with the marraige.

In the end, it will take a long time for me to heal from the betrayal, but I feel like I'm making good progress and I can honestly say that the divorce was unquestionably the right decision. I've probably cried more in the last 4 months than I have in the last 20 years, but for the last month or so I fell genuinely good about myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying having my own life, been busy getting my 17 year old ready for college in the fall and looking forward to a coffee date with a smart, funny woman in a month or two.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous +

[New Update]: My gf came out as a lesbian before our marriage and no one gives a fuck about me. You know what? Fuck you all

Trigger Warnings: death of loved ones, car accident, suicide ideation, accusations of physical abuse, mentions of threats, infidelity

RECAP

: March 13, 2024

Me and my ex (Dana) have been together for 7 years and i knew that she was bisexual by the beginning and she openly told me about her past relationships with girls but i never cared because to it wasn't a problem at all. We never had any big fight or arguments but just small things and we always sorted out everything. So after 7 years of relationship i decided that it was the right moment to make the big question because we were deeply in love, financially stable and already living together so for me it was the right time. I prepared everything to make it more romantic and unique as i could and when i made her the final question she hesitated but then said yes.

There the problem started cause i didn't understood why that hesitation and i asked her but she only replaid "i was nervous" so i gave up. We told this to her parents (mine died when i was 20 and my little sister when she was 17 in a car accident) and our friends but even here some things were off because her parents were faking to be happy and i didn't understood why while our friends were super happy and were already telling us ideas for our wedding.

4 months passed by and we were planning our wedding when "the day" came up. I came back home from work and she waiting for me with her bags ready and i asked her what was going on. She told me "listen i know that this is gonna be hard for you but i'm not bi i'm lesbian. My parents knew this since 2 years and this is why they weren't happy and were faking it. Please i beg you to not make it difficult and just let me leave, don't cry, don't beg me and don't scream let's just things go like adults" and then she drove away. I was standing there on my feet for like 1 hour in shock cause i couldn't believe it. We passed by getting married to Dana coming out like a heartless and cold girl that i couldn't recognize.

The worst thing comes now cause 3 months passed by that day (i cancelled the wedding) and literally no one ever texted me or called me asking me how i was, if i was fine, if i nedeed something just nothing. Not her parents, not her (she blocked me that day) and not even our firends. No one gives a fuck about me at all. In this 3 months i was hospitalized 3 times cause i lost weight (15 kg) and have insomnia. I just work and come home, nothing else. While everyone is praising her for her coming out, how good is she to finally realize she was lesbian and her courage to be herself after years of fighting to find her true identity.

Right now i'm not even capable of being mad i'm just in desbelief for what happened, how fast it all happened and that no one gives a fuck about me because her coming out is more important than her ex.

You know what? Fuck them all, they showed me their true color and fuck my ex.

Edit: wtf?! I just turned off my phone for 2 hours and went for a walk around my city. Honestly i wasn't expecting all this support because i couldn't even imagine someone actually reading this. Believe me i want to trust you and believe that all this kind comments are true but right now i can't. I just saw everyone that supposed to love me and care about me ignoring me and ghosting me so i lost hope in people and expecially for strangers on the internet. I hope to come here again in a few months and read this all again and believe you but now i can't. You all seem good people and sincere but believe me for how much i want to trust you i simply can't right now but i want to thank you all anyway. I'm not ok and the 3 times i was hospitalized i tried to kill myself but i'm not good even in doing that. For 3 months i thought again and again and again if i was the problem, what i could do better? What i did wrong? But nothing changes. So here i'm in the midlle of fucking nowhere seated on a sidewalk like a homeless reading strangers comments on a post that i don't even know why i posted. Again thank you all.

Edit 2: i have an update but due to "Trueoffmychest" rules i can only update after 3 days so i will do it after that time and if something of new would happen i will write it in the update. So just have patience cause a lot is happening and i still have to figure out a lot of things and how to act.

Top Comments

LoudManagement6634:

She did not solve her problem like an adult. She avoided it and then ran away like a little kid. Deplorable.

beholdmytoast:

You did nothing wrong and that was incredibly selfish, cruel, and awful of her. As soon as she realized she was a lesbian she should have broken it off. She wasted minimum of 2 years of your life that she knew for sure she was a lesbian and she strung you along. Nothing makes that okay to do.

It will get better. Give yourself the time you need to grieve and heal. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself. Don’t rush the healing. You’ll be ok.

Agile-Wait-7571:

I’m so sorry how you were deceived and how no one gave you any sympathy.

For your own mental health, you need to put all of these people behind you. They are not going to give you want you need. It will be hard but you need to start rebuilding a new life for yourself.

You can do it!

: March 15, 2024

Update My gf came out as a lesbian before our marriage and no one gives a fuck about me. You know what? Fuck you all

So here we go again like in "GTA San Andreas" but this time is more painful and shocking at the same time cause today and yesterday night a lot happened. Like someone of you folks said somehow one of my ex friends saw my post on TikTok and the absolut mess started and is still going on right now.

This ex friend (i will call him Paul) reached out to me and basically told me that he saw the post and knew that it was me cause i used my ex real name (Dana) and was shocked to know what really happened cause apparently Dana told my ex friends that she came out to me as a lasbian and i tried to lay hands on her and threated her (???) and she told them to not contact me again. They all believed her but then when they all saw my post they started pressuring her if my post was saying the truth or not and she admitted the lie.

Since Paul's text i recieved a ton of texts and calls from everyone asking me how i'm, if i'm fine, they are sorry for believing Dana and not texting me first and "apologies". But then there is the real issue: Dana.

She texted me asking to "forgive" her, that she was "sorry" for how bad she treated me and admitting that she invented all cause she was afraid to lose friends. And unfortunetly it's not all cause i got a text from her girlfriend (Mary) and basically she told me that she is sorry for Dana's behavior and for what she did and, here comes the issue, that she knew Dana since a year and she never told her about me but always talked to her about me like a "rommate" so she was thinking to leave Dana.

Now comes my part cause i made a new group including them all (even Dana and Mary) and told them that i'm not changing my mind about forgiving them, i was thinking to sue Dana (partially true cause i'm not sure if doing it or not) and if they (my ex friends) were decent humans they would have texted me asking me if i was out of my mind to lay hands on Dana or just insulting me via texts if they really cared about me. Then i added some personal things about Dana and blocked them all.

My blocking method isn't working cause they are continuing to herass me with texts and calls from other numbers and even making other people calling me and texting me. Crazy shit is happening and i really still can't believe at all this mess cause i'm thinking that it's all a nightmare and i need to wake up but unfortunetly it's all fucking true.

Then the other thing is that finally i saw a therapist today (a few hours ago) and i don't like to admit it but i cried a lot cause for her (the therapist) i never worked on my parents and my sister's death and then this thing with my ex added making me explode so it's gonna be a very long journey and i hope to reach a point. I already had the number of the therapist there on my table in the kitchen but never called but this time i did and hopefully it will help.

So this is all and i hope to udpate you not so quickly like now but when i will feel better.

So again thank you all and hopefully i will update you in better times.

P.S. to all the people that are following me i want to say thank you but my life is pretty boring and i don't think to post something else so you're not obligated to follow me. Then to the people that wrote me privately: thank you all and be sure that i read all your messages and i appreciate it so thank you too.

ADDITIONAL INFO

Boomboxmaster

Normal people: break up with their partner and tell everyone about it and why then move on

Dana: ghosts her BF and lies just because she was scared

Honestly I would definitely sue for defamation man. You have the evidence and I don’t think it could go wrong. What do her parents think?

OOP

I forgot to write this little part but the quick resume is that i never had a good relathionship with them so we never went a long well cause they always said that i wasn't the right guy for their daughter so i never cared about them but this time they asked me to think wisely and to not sue Dana cause she was "afraid" and they even justified her actions. That's all and in fact i wasn't surprised about their reaction to the news of marrying her.

Top Comments

mak_zaddy:

Damn. You were absolutely correct calling the ex friends out because ya any good friend would have called you out on problematic behavior or at least been like “dude. What were you thinking?”

Also there is not shame in crying! Good luck on your healing journey and those folks can kick rocks.

ETA: I would create a templates response for when folks message you and just copy/paste it. But it’s funny how they had no problem ghosting you but now can’t accept you telling them to F off.

Beginning_Fix_5609:

Op just change your phone number so your ex and toxic friends won’t call you again. Focus on your healing and I pray you find the happiness and love you deserve.

: April 15, 2024

A month passed by my first post and here i'm again. I know that i promised to be here again when things would be better and i hoped for that very much but unfortunetly my life isn't better at all and things are going always worst than i expected. I'm gonna talk like i talk with my therapist cause a little bit you all are like my therapist hahahah.

You know i'm not an expert of therapy and this things and i hoped that in a short time things would change and would make me feel better but it's more difficult and longer than i expected and imaginated. I'm crying everyday about all that happened to me, about my parents and my little sister premature death, what happened with Dana and how my friends betrayed me so easily like i was just a random guy. The worst thing is about Dana. After my parents death i put all my attention and importance on her, she was like my promise to have a new family and start a new life together and be again a family. In all this years i tried my best to make her feel loved, happy and cared. What maybe don't transpires from my old posts is how much i loved her and how much i cared about her cause Dana was the only person in this world that knew me 100% and she was for real my "soft spot". After my retirment from the army she was the one that saw the real me after those years risking my life (i still have some traumas but i'm working even on that) and then i knew Dana and it was love at the first sight.

So yes call me naive, that i still believe in the fairy tales but i really thought that she was "the one" for me and that could finally give me my "dream" of having a family that i lost. The worst and most difficult thing in this month was to finally change my number and start again. I mean i thought many times to call her, text her and even see her again cause despise all this mess i still, somehow, care and love her but than i think again at how poorly and badly she treated me and i change my mind but her presence is still very present there in my mind. I still miss those little things that we were doing together, i miss Dana being messy and a little goofy around me and my house, i miss her touch, coming back from work and just seeing her was like all my stress and bad emotions were gone in a second.

But a a part this a few good things happened in this month cause i got the promotion that i really craved for, even if i got it in the worst moment of my life, and my boss gave me 3 weeks of "forced vacations" cause he is worried about my mental health and how i work day and night without doing anything else. (My therapist told me too to take a few weeks of vacations to "clarify my thoughts") And that i'm watching for another house near my work cause my actual house isn't a "positive environment" (my therapist's words) and because i need a drastic change.

So things are this and unfortunetly i still have those suicidal thoughts but i'm working on it even if again it will take time.

So this everything and i don't think to post anything else from now on cause i don't have anything else to say (fortunetly) about my situation if not thank you all for your support and private texts.

So: people thank you all and hopefully even this period of my life will pass without creating too much damage.

P.S. my ex-friends never contacted me again and Dana too so i don't know anything about what is going on between them and sincerly i don't care. (Maybe...)

Top Comments

ugly_warlord: Hey bud, I wish you well. I can only sympathize with your situation. However, from what I've seen on Reddit and the updates people give out, we see that people do find their happiness someday.

Being low is something every person has to feel, and I guess it is a way to learn (count it as a failure if you will), but then maybe as a person looking from an outside perspective, all I can see is new opportunities. If I were in your position, I would be hurt as much as you, but t what I learned from my experience in failures over the time of my existence, is that you may look back and think "What a fuss I made of my life over THIS!"

Hang in there and good luck.

cottoncandyoverlord: I'm sorry this happened to you. I actually had something similar myself. I unfortunately walked in on my ex-husband going at it on my best guy friend. I was crushed. I thought I would die. It took about a year to work past it for me. I did a lot of self work. I went to school, got a degree, dated several people, and eventually found my current husband. We have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids now.

I, too, lost nearly all of my friends. It was challenging being alone, but I made it. Both of my parents have been gone for many years so I did go it alone. I took counseling and just kept looking forward to the day I felt better. I know this hurts. I know you miss her, but it WILL get better with time. Keep working on yourself. Find new hobbies and work on personal improvements. Throw out anything that was her's. She is essentially dead to you until you are healthy enough to confront her.

You can msg me if you need to vent. You got this.

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 2, 2024 (almost 3 weeks later)

Hello people, don't worry i'm still alive hahahah. According to my therapist i can use this little place to vent about my thoughts, the things that happens to me and updates about my life so here i'm. (I'm not very good with Reddit so i hope to do things in the right way)

Like i said in the title yesterday i got a "strange" meeting with Mary and it was a better meeting than i thought. So i was at this bar of my city and i was in line to order when Mary recognized me and we had a talk. I offered her a cup of coffee and we chatted a bit about our life, how things are going and all this stuff. I must admit that she seems like a sweet and kind girl and she immediatly asked me if i was mad at her for what happened with Dana but i assured her that she wasn't the problem at all cause she didn't knew about me as Dana's ex bf so she wasn't the problem. Mary said that i was much better now compared to 2 almost 2 months ago so she was happy about me. According to Mary the day i made the group and blocked them all she and Dana argued a lot and they broke up. She told me again that she was extremely sorry for what happened and how this mess all happened and that if she knew it before she would never had dated Dana before cause she have some values.

We chatted for like 2 hours and we knew each other better, after we exchanged numbers and she told me that if i nedeed to talk, vent or just rant about something with someone she would be there for me. I appreciated it a lot and then i went to my house.

It was honestly a nice meeting and i wouldn't bet a cent on it but it's nice to be wrong sometimes hahahah.

This a part my life since a few days seems to return to the "normal", i didn't had suicidal thoughts since 2 weeks (and this is a great achievment to me) and actually my mental health finally is going better. In 3 days i would be in Japan for the 3 weeks vacation and i hope to be good and to progress always with my mental health so we will see.

That's all and i never told anyone my name but i'm Clark.

Peace and thank you all for your dm's i'm starting to believe you and to appreciate your support.❤️

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AIO that my wife did not wear her wedding ring multiple days in a row?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

  May 6, 2024

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here. As stated in my title, I am hoping to get your insights on wearing wedding rings in public.

For context I (33M) have been married to my wife (32F) for a little less than a year, however, we have been in a stable, exclusive relationship for 10 years and have been living together for 8. She is the love of my life. She proposed to me about 6 years ago. I said yes, but we ended up having to postpone our wedding several times due to our school schedules, venue cancellations etc. We have been wearing wedding bands ever since the proposal.

2 days ago, she came home from shopping and said that the cashier was hitting on her and possibly asked her out. I am not threatened by other men hitting on her, since our relationship has a very strong foundation and we usually find it comical. However, she mentioned that she did forget to wear her wedding band ring, and that's possibly why the cashier was flirtatious with her.

Yesterday, we were planning on going to see a movie. As we were walking out the door, I noticed that she was not wearing her ring again. I asked (in an admittedly not pleasant tone), "so do you not wear your wedding ring in public any more". She was kind of taken aback, and said no she just forgot to put it on and went and put it on before we left.

The rest of the day, things were a bit tense, but we ended up seeing the movie and thought we enjoyed it. However, once we got back to the car, her attitude clearly shifted. I asked how she was doing and she said "I have a headache because of you". She then explained how she didn't appreciate me bringing up her not putting on her wedding ring, that she's human and made a mistake and forgot to put it on. I was just like "ok that's fine". But then she continued, clearly upset, saying that she's an attractive women and she can't help if people hit on her and ask her out. I was like, ok that's true, but if she was wearing her ring that would probably prevent people from asking her. She said that the cashier probably wouldn't have seen it and would have asked her out anyway, and that she as a person is not defined by whether she wears the ring or not. We drove home in mostly silence, but she did apologize that she snapped at me in the car, which I accepted.

I want to emphasize that we do not have any previous trust issues, and I am in no way insinuating that she has been intentionally not wearing her ring. This is also the first time I noticed it, which I probably wouldn't have if she didn't mention her interactions with the cashier at the grocery store the day before. However, I am a bit startled by how defensive she got in the car and don't really know how to process what happened.

I'd greatly appreciate it if yall could share any insights you may have regarding yourself/partner not wearing wedding rings in public.

RELEVANT COMMENT

OOP adds a small "update"

Actually had work to do so stopped replying to most. I think many people missed the whole context of my post, how we’ve been wearing wedding bands for six years, wedding was postponed due to our grad school schedules and our first venue cancelled on us.  It’s clear that I absolutely used the wrong tone/wording when I asked her whether she doesn’t wear the ring.  I’m going to apologize for that right away.  I’ve learned that most people don’t wear their wedding bands (people keep talking about diamonds getting snagged, rings being bulky)…this whole thing is regarding simple wedding bands. That being said, we never actually established how we felt about wearing the rings and I have just assumed over the years that we both wore them equally.  I’m going to ask what her feelings are towards the rings. I honestly didn’t know that not wearing rings was so commonplace, and I’m actually not totally against wearing them less. I am still worried about her defensiveness, I strongly do believe/hope that this was a product of the poor way I treated her prior to leaving the house.  If it’s something else, we’ll have to play it from there.

  May 7, 2024

Wow! I never would have thought that this post would have blown up the way it did.  I was amazed at the diversity of responses.  I tried to read them all, but obviously that was impossible. Thank you to everyone that gave a thoughtful comment/insight/advice. 

There were many moving parts to the original post, and responses covered a wide array of topics.  I ended up identifying the major themes of responses, while trying to ignore extreme responses on either side (I.e. I am an insufferable and controlling monster, vs my wife is already getting dicked by multiple people).  My main takeaways were that my passive aggressive comment at the start of the day was uncalled for, and likely overshadowed the rest of our day date. This likely contributed to the tense and defensive word exchange later in the day.  I also had no idea that so many married couples did not wear their wedding bands regularly/if at all.  My parents never took their rings off, and I figured that’s how it was with everyone.  Clearly that is not at all representative of the diverse array of ring wearing standards across individual relationships and even individual spouses. Finally, I suppose I was naive thinking that wearing a wedding ring would deter people from hitting on my wife.  When I was single, I would always double-check if there was a ring on someone’s finger before pursuing.  I think someone is a real POS if they knowingly hit on someone that’s married.

Ok, finally here’s the update.  My wife came home from work (I work from home) and we sat down for dinner.  I started the conversation first by apologizing for my tone/snarky question the day before.  She said thank you and accepted.  I then, said that I was triggered hearing her tell me that she was hit on by the cashier and her explaining that it may have been due to her not wearing her ring.  She asked me whether I wanted her to tell me when people flirted with her.  I said sure but it’s up to you, I assume that this happens frequently because she is so beautiful etc.  we hugged it out.  I then asked that I was curious why she got so defensive in the car after the movie. She said she wasn’t feeling great and that she didn’t like me insinuating that it was her fault she got hit on, and that she sometimes forgets to put her ring on.  I apologized again, and acknowledged that even though we have been together a decent amount of time, we never actually discussed what we wanted the value of our rings to represent.  I actually suggested that I’d be ok wearing them less if that was more comfortable.  She said that no she wanted to still wear them out in public, just that I need to understand that people forget things like this and it’s normal. 

End of story, we are on good terms, and she thanked me for bringing the topic up again so we could work things out together.

Thanks again to this thread for sharing your diverse perspectives.  Taken individually,a decent amount of comments weren’t super helpful. But taken as a whole, clear trends were uncovered which I found incredibly useful.  Special thanks to those who provided thorough responses and insights on their own marriage dynamics.  Never thought this would have blown up but I’m glad it did!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now deleted

Originally posted to

AITA for telling my husband his “fragile masculinity” is costing us money?

Trigger Warnings: toxic masculinity

Editor’s note: edited a statement out as it was repeated twice

: May 13, 2024

Back in late 2021, my husband Craig (M46) and I (F44) welcomed our fourth child into the world. As a result, we needed to upgrade one of our cars to something larger. We decided to trade in my super reliable Toyota RAV4 for something bigger since I was the one who drove the kids around most often.

I was open and ready to embrace minivan life and was planning to buy something reliable and safe, like a Honda or Kia. But Craig had his heart set on an SUV; in his mind, minivans were "too feminine." So, against my better judgment, we ended up purchasing a used 2018 Mercedes GLS 450, mainly due to his insistence. He argued that this car would offer similar space to the Kia/Honda minivans I wanted but with added luxury. Since it was priced like a loaded Honda van, we went ahead with it.

After two years, I can safely say we made the wrong choice. While the car does have good passenger space, it doesn’t seem to have as much cargo room as those minivans. The reliability has been junk. The car has had 8 recalls during our ownership. Even when not recalled, it spends too much time at the dealership because something always seems to be broken. Some repairs have been covered under warranty, but we've still shelled out over $9k (maintenance not included). The car hasn’t even racked up that many miles.

Below are just some of the annoyances:

• The shifting can be rough. Sometimes, I press on the gas and the car barely moves, and when it does, it's jerky.

• For the past few weeks, the check engine light has been turning on randomly.

• Numerous electronic issues.

Since the car's problems have stepped up in the past few weeks, I'm beyond fed up. I don't feel safe driving it around with my kids and I've even started getting nightmares about it stranding us in the middle of nowhere. Craig always downplays this and claims that it's normal for the car to have some issues.

Making things worse somehow, Craig's sedan has started developing issues lately. It has begun to refuse to start some mornings and will sometimes shut itself off when it comes to a stop sign or red light.

On Saturday, I was supposed to drive our eldest to his soccer game and then take my younger kids to the doctor's office. When I turned on the Mercedes, it sounded very rough, the engine light was on, and the temperature reading was extremely wrong. I don't bother risking it and end up ubering with the kids.

I told Craig about it that night. He listened at first, but when I suggested selling it, he cut me off and said that he wasn’t getting a van just because I wanted that. It was so combative and defensive the way he said it, and because I was so tired from the day, I lashed out. We argued it got heated and I ended up saying "Your fragile masculinity is costing our family so much money". In retrospect, maybe my tone was harsh, but he was being needlessly difficult. We haven’t really spoken much since then. I'll also be ubering to work this week since I won't be touching that car.

AITA?

Edit - For those wondering about the car's condition, I've included the I took of it on Saturday when I started it up. The engine light is on and it was saying the temperature was -12°F when it was really something like 60°F

Context - For those wondering, this isn't the first instance of his masculinity being threatened by something minor. He also refuses lip balm and purple dress shirts among other things.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

shestammie: I don’t get it. You’re the primary user of the proposed car and he has his own. Even if you give in and call the car “womanly” what’s his insistence that his wife - presumably a woman - doesn’t drive it?

OOP: We go on road-trips he usually drives, also he'll sometimes use it to take the kids to school and their other activities and he doesn't want anyone confusing him with a "soccer-mom". It sounds so childish when I write it out and read it back to myself

TheVaneja: NTA your husband has a very fragile sense of masculinity. Oh crap you told him that already. 9k+ in repairs for a 6 year old vehicle is huge it isn't normal at all. I don't claim to be an expert in vehicles but I've owned and operated older vehicles than that with a fraction of the repair costs.

OOP: It doesn't seem normal. The few times the car works normally, he always talks about Mercedes quality and German engineering. It is ridiculous

: May 14, 2024

Before I begin this post; I'll add the disclaimer that this post is written from the perspective of the husband from the first post ()

My wife showed me the post she made this morning so that I could see how people were reacting to her perspective. I was honestly quite surprised by the comments, so I asked her if I could make a follow-up post to clarify my position.

Firstly, I want to emphasize that I did NOT buy a lemon, as some people seem to think. We had the car inspected by a mechanic before purchasing it, and the Carfax report we obtained was clean.

I understood that my wife (let's call her Ava) would be the primary driver, but I wanted a car with some ground clearance and AWD since we sometimes drive along dirt roads when we go on vacation (and renting a car for these instances didn't seem practical). In my mind, this requirement ruled out the Honda or Kia minivans. Additionally, I feel that a minivan is unnecessary for us as we only have four children. I'll admit that I have a personal bias against minivans because they are exclusively mom cars. The Mercedes on the other hand, has been expensive to repair and does experience frequent problems, but when it is fully operational, it is an excellent family cruiser. I understand that it's unreliable, but I think the idea of it stranding my family in the middle of nowhere is a stretch.

Now onto the day of the argument.

I was at work on Saturday, so I was unable to take the kids to their activities and appointments. When Ava sent me a picture of the gauge cluster of the Mercedes, I did offer to come back home and drop off my car for her to use, but she declined for two reasons. Firstly, she didn't think it would have enough space (it is a 2017 Chevy Impala, so it has a lot of space), and secondly, she was wary due to a minor stalling issue. At that point, we agreed that using an uber was the best solution.

Saturday night, I arrived home exhausted from work at the hospital. All I wanted to do was eat dinner and catch up on the Spurs match. The argument happened around this point. I did try to be supportive; however, I still hold reservations about owning a minivan, and I felt that her comment about masculinity was both unhelpful and unnecessary.

Call it poetic justice if you will, but this morning when I was getting ready to take the kids to school and daycare, my Impala wouldn't start at all. Now we have two broken cars, and the entire family is relying on uber. It can't be the battery or alternator since both were replaced within the last year, so I haven't got a clue what it is.

I've accepted my wife's point of view, and we'll be looking at new car options later this week. She is very pleased about this and has mentioned that she considers this acceptance as an alternative to an apology from me. However, now she wants us to replace both cars.

As for the lip balm and the 'purple shirt,' my opinion is that most lip balms look too much like lipstick, and I don't find them hygienic since you essentially rub your old germs back on every time you use them. The shirt in question was more pink than purple and more than that, it was far too tight for my liking.

I hope this clarifies things and provides a better understanding of our situation.

Edit - For those wondering, my wife isn't paying for repairs on her own. We take the repair bills out of our joint account.

: May 20, 2024

Craig and I were able to put the issue regarding the Mercedes behind us, and for the past week, we've been working towards finding a replacement. He was still leaning towards an SUV, and while I considered his opinion, it was ultimately my decision to make.

After shopping around for a few days, we purchased this lovely black minivan on Friday. In the short time we've owned it, I can confidently say it surpasses our Mercedes in essentially every way. The comfort is superior, the technology is better, but most importantly, it accommodates the whole family and all our belongings with space to spare. Beyond that, I feel safe transporting my children or just running errands.

Craig has also admitted that the minivan was a better choice. He has read many of the responses from previous posts and acknowledged that wanting an SUV, despite the current size of our family, was a bit impractical. He's even opened up to potentially using lip balm; however, the purple shirt I liked is still a no since he thinks it's too snug-fitting and more pink than purple. He has been in a good mood since Arsenal lost or something, which I guess partially explains his newfound agreeableness.

Currently, we only have the one working van. We will be taking the Mercedes into the garage at some point in the future and then hopefully selling it shortly after. We plan to take the Mercedes to the garage in the near future and hopefully sell it soon after. Additionally, Craig's personal car will also need some repairs.

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in , and

Previous BORU posts are , and . I removed some of the relevant comments to save space. New Updates start with *****

A reminder that this sub has the 7 day waiting period, so the last update is 7 days old. This is a LONG, dark post.

Trigger Warnings: attempted murder; domestic violence; stalking; possible child predation; attempted kidnapping

Mood Spoiler: bleak and will make you hate the justice system

Original : November 30, 2023

I don’t know if i watch too many crime shows or if I’m just paranoid so I’ve come here to ask. Last week I made chicken gnocchi soup. When it was almost done I started helping my daughter with a school project. She got us both a bowl and a few seconds later my bf runs into the room with a bowl and tells me to eat the bowl he has. I told him it was all the same and he insisted that he wanted mine because it had more chicken. Thinking back now I don’t know how he would know that considering my daughter dished it out. My daughter took the bowl he gave me and said she would eat it. He yanked it out of hand and said “no it’s for mom”.

I took the bowl and he went to the living room. I continued doing my daughter's project and told her not to eat the soup. 20ish minutes later I walked into the kitchen to pour the soups out and he was still eating his. He asked why we didn’t eat any and I said the cat got into it while we were waiting for it to cool down. He screamed “WHAT!? Was it your bowl !?! Cats can’t eat that!?”. I told him it was only a lick but he has been stressed out watching the cat like a hawk, obsessive even. His reaction was very weird.

These "accidents" all happened before the soup incident over the span of 6 months. It wasn't one after another in a short period of time. Since then my emergency money has gone missing. I keep money hidden just in case. I lost my older sister because she wasn’t able to escape a dangerous situation and I literally swore on her grave I would never be in that position. After the soup incident I went to get my money and it was gone. It was hidden and I changed the location every few months. I asked my daughter if maybe she found it and that if she took it I wouldn’t be mad because I knew she couldn’t have spent it. She said no. A few hours later she tells me she forgot but the other day her and my bf got pulled over and she saw my pink wallet in his glove box. I did not tell her which wallet it was in or that it was in a wallet.

I decided to ask him if he found it by accident. He asked me why I was hiding a large amount of money, “you know you could never leave me” and laughed. (He has never said anything like that before). I told him it was for my daughters Christmas. He said no he didn’t find the money but could use his credit card for gifts. I didn’t tell him about my daughter seeing my wallet in his car. Now here are a few other things that have happened in the past few months that seemed random at the time but now they don’t.

I have a severe allergy to latex. One day we were about to have sex and I glanced at the mirror we have by our bed and saw the condom wrapper was a different color. I stopped him because it wasn’t latex free and he said it was a mistake and just an older one he had. We have been dating for over 2 years and he knows how serious my allergy is. My epipen that I keep in my room is missing and I didn’t realize it. I didn't realize it was missing until I was searching for my money.

Another odd thing is one day he was following me down the stairs while I was carrying laundry and he kicked the back of my leg and I fell. He said he slipped but the stairs are wood and he was wearing his steel toe boots. At the time I thought it was an accident.

Am I overthinking this? My anxiety has been at an all time high. Do I watch too much true crime? Here is why I think I might be the asshole. We have a good relationship. He loves my daughter like she is his. We split all shared bills and we both pull our own weight around the apartment. We don’t fight. He has never so much as raised his voice at me. We are paycheck to paycheck but bills are paid.

I thought about going to my moms house for a few days and asking him when I get there when I’m safe about the money but I don’t have money to do that now. She is on a fixed income and can't help. I feel stupid for being scared. Last night I decided to check his car for my wallet and he caught me. I asked him for my money back and he tried playing dumb. I told him my daughter saw it there. He told me she was lying. I told him I never told her about the money or what wallet. He said he was a grown man and kids lie all the time. I asked him once more for my money and he said “I’m not giving you money to leave me”. I waited until he was in the shower to grab my cat and my daughter and we left.

I can’t take my cat with us to a shelter and the DV shelters are full. I was able to get us a night at a cheap motel. This exact situation is why I had money saved. I did everything right and now I’m screwed. I feel like I just blew up my entire life.

Yes I'm using a burner account and reading all the comments that I can.

Relevant Comment:

Several people accuse this of being obviously fake because events escalated too quickly and why would she be posting on reddit for advice:

"I'm not a character in a anonymous fucking story. I wasn't looking for advice, I was looking for confirmation I wasn't paranoid. You bet your ass I left as soon as he said my daughter was lying. Fuck off"

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but it was pretty obviously NTA

Update 1: December 4, 2023 (4 days later)

A TL:DR; I think my boyfriend put something in my soup. After that incident I remembered a few months ago he almost used a latex condom knowing I’m severely allergic and I also remembered when he “accidentally” knocked me down the stairs. I started piecing things together and realized my epi pen was gone as well as a large amount of money I had hidden. My daughter saw my old wallet in his glove box and he denied it.

My post got alot of attention and my account was shadowbanned for a few days. I was able to appeal and get my account back because I’m not a bot or some AI. Now for the update.

The day after we left he sent me a picture of my epi pen and tried telling me it was in my nightstand the whole time. I tore that room apart looking for it so I KNOW for 100% fact it wasn’t there. He took it. He tried getting me to come back telling me I scared myself stupid and watched too many true crime TV. Something didn't feel right so I told him to put my money and epi pen in the mailbox. We went back and forth and he denied having my money. He then said “If we broke up you and Maria (my daughter) are no longer allowed in my apartment and will be treated like trespassers” and sent me a pic of his target practice sheets. I went to the police about the money and was told it was a civil issue. I was upset but wanted the rest of my stuff so I asked for an escort.

Yesterday I finally got an escort into the apartment with a cop and my landlord. He destroyed everything of my daughters and he ruined the laptop charger I use for work. No epi pen. My daughters medication and back up medical supplies were ruined. Our landlord let me off the lease without having to pay an early termination fee which is great considering I have no money. Motels are expensive. I don’t want to get rid of our cat. All shelters are full and this is scary as shit.

I’m sorry this is a shitty update but I know people wanted it.

Relevant Comments:

There has to be something that can be done about your daughter's meds:

"I'm beyond angry that nothing can be done. Insurance won't cover her medications or supplies until next month. She JUST got refills. I can get her meds but I'll pay out of pocket. I have no money. Since I couldn't prove my money existed I can't prove he stole it. I'm livid."

Restraining order?

"Nope not unless he gets physical with me. I should have let him hit me and I would have a lot more help available which is so fucked up."

Update 2: December 10, 2023 (6 days later, 10 days from OG post)

My OP got a lot of attention but then my account got shadowbanned and was temporarily removed. I just updated 5 days ago but this will be my final update because there is nothing anyone can do. I was encouraged to go back to the police station after my last update.

On Saturday December 9th I went back AGAIN. This time I printed out the threatening text messages that included the target practice sheets he sent, I explained in detail about the “accidents” proving he was trying to hurt me, and I even had my landlord put in writing that he believed our lives were in danger after seeing everything I was showing the police and let me leave my lease early. I brought in the destroyed medical supplies and medications.

The police said they had already talked to him and said he didn’t do any of it. He told them my daughter probably destroyed her stuff because she is “special ed”. She has very mild Asperger's but doesn’t destroy things! Since it was his word against mine they believed him. I didn’t have proof he stole the money or that it even existed in the first place. I was told the epi pen was my responsibility and they won’t do anything if it’s lost. I was told to “let it go” and acted like I was bothering the police with my “petty civil issues”.

I am so defeated and angry. My daughter isn’t going to have gifts for Christmas because I have to save for a new deposit on an apartment. We have been staying in motels while I was reaching out to DV resources. I can’t get help without a restraining order/ police report. Every place is out of funds. He is getting away with everything and I’m so glad we got out because there is no doubt in my mind he would have gotten away with my murder.

I know this sounds like my last update but that is what happened…nothing new. No justice. No repercussions for him. He gets to stay in the apartment. My landlord offered me another unit across town but I can’t afford to move in. This exact situation is why I had money stashed away because no one has ever cared about me/us and I knew that. There is nothing else I can do.

Editor's note: OOP posted in another sub with the exact same information as above and no new update. However, she did add this clarification about shelters:

"All shelters are full. I found an organization who helps DV victims with housing but only if you have a police report and a restraining order. I guess they are tired of victims going back to their partner, safety reasons, or something. I was denied a restraining order because I had no proof. I’m scared, exhausted, and disappointed."

Update 3: December 28, 2023 (18 days later)

Title: I thought we were safe

Alot of people wanted a update so here it is. On Christmas he slashed my tires knowing I would have to pay out of pocket to replace them which I don’t have. Today he threw a heavy patio chair through the window of the place we were staying at to let me know he knew where we were and I was asked to leave for everyone's safety.

Except my daughter and I aren’t safe. I walked in the sleet/snow with my daughter and our cat and I felt vulnerable and like open prey so we came back to the police station to sit in the lobby until morning. Shelters are still full and I now have to disclose that he is dangerous anywhere we go. Police couldn’t find him but I know he has to be close.

I don’t know what his end game is.

Relevant Comments:

Can police direct you to a DV shelter?

"The shelters here are full so we are just sitting in the police station lobby. We are at least safe and warm so I'm grateful for that."

On donations:

"Donations aren't allowed here and my post could get removed because of it. I'm trying to stay awake and really just venting. I'm so frustrated that he keeps getting away with this shit."

Do you know how he keeps finding you? Have you checked for trackers?

"I honestly have no idea! He is supposed to have a new girlfriend too so IDK why he is messing with me and destroying property"

Reset your phone to factory settings:

"I got a cheap burner after we left. He doesn't have my number nor have I used it to call anyone so IDK how he is tracking me."

You said he sent you a photo of the epi pen after you left. How did he communicate that to you?

"He sent it through my email before I blocked it."

Update 4: January 1, 2024 (4 days later; a bit over 1 month from OG post)

Title: I found the air tag in the cat carrier

Please read my other posts for more context but a tl:dr; I’m pretty sure my ex was/is trying to kill me. There were a few instances that I wrote off as “accidents'' until I think he poisoned my soup that was specifically for me. On Christmas he found where we were staying and slashed my tires and threw a heavy patio chair and planter through a window. He still hasn’t been caught.

I checked everywhere I could think of and still couldn't figure out how he was tracking us. I blocked him on everything including email after he sent me pics of his target practice sheets among other things. I got a cheap burner phone. My daughter was out of school for winter break so he didn’t follow her or anything. I checked my car for a tracker. Still nothing.

I do not have an iphone so I couldn’t check whatever app a air tag is attached to. My cat is harness trained and wears a collar but there was no tracker. Until today I decided to “feel up” (sorry only way I can describe it) the carrier. I ran my fingers over every inch of it and felt a bump on the bottom soft side. There was no new stitching or obvious cut. He had to use a seam ripper along the stitching. It was undetectable and I almost missed it. He had to have had help because I’ve never seen him sew anything. Probably the same person who is letting him hide now.

If his excuse for the air tag was to track my cat he would have put it on his collar or harness because that is what he would wear when we go on walks/car rides. My cat would never go in his carrier unless I was planning on leaving for more than a few days. I have no idea how long it has been there nor do I know how far the tracker works but now we aren’t safe where we are, AGAIN. I feel disgusting and I feel like hunted prey. This is so unnerving and I’m so uncomfortable. Who the f*ck was I living with?

Relevant Comment:

I’m sorry but I don’t find it believable that he tracked you with an AirTag.

I don't know how airtags work and didn't say that is how he is tracking me, just that I found one. It doesn't make sense how he knew where we were.

Update 5: January 7, 2024 (6 days later, 5.5 weeks from OG post)

Title: I finally got the restraining order!

I’m hoping this update will make everyone as happy as it makes me! I was finally granted the restraining order. And we get the keys to our new apartment on the 11th. A place I can afford monthly and comes partially furnished. It’s in a super safe area right by my daughter's school. There is security!! We will spend our time living in our car until then and of course it has to be snowing but we are together and we have our kitty. This nightmare is almost over.

Update 5: February 2, 2024 (almost 1 month later)

Title: A restraining order didn't stop him

This morning he found me.

I've been sick as hell so after I dropped my daughter off at school I went straight home.

I didn't drive around to make sure no one was following me. I messed up.

He broke my nose and shattered my orbital bone. He is in jail. Sorry for this update ya'll.

Relevant Comments:

"Staying in the hospital for the night, I was pretty sick before this happened. My daughter is with a friend for the night. My landlord fixed the door as best he could and told me my cat wasn't in the apartment so I'm worried sick. I thought this was over, I'm so so so tired."

"I'm sure his mom will bail him out. Why can't he just move on? He took my money and my peace, what more can he take until he is satisfied?"

Commenter: Please pull your daughter out of her school and leave the state ASAP.

OOP: I so wish I could do this but we just moved into our new place. I should have just stayed with my mom (she lives in another state) but I didn't want to disrupt my daughters life too much. I have three dollars to my name so I can't leave.

You often can break leases without penalties in DV situations:

My previous landlord let me out of my lease without a penalty and my new one will too I just can't afford to move.

Update 6: February 4, 2024 (2 days later)

Title: Not being able to move even if my life depends on it

I know the importance of having money saved and I live within my means. How many of us is one disaster away from losing everything? A fire, job loss, a bank screw up, a late paycheck, illness, or someone stealing from you. I had money saved because I knew that any one of those things could happen and I wouldn't have anyone who could help me. And it did. Two months ago my ex tried poisoning me and stole the money I had saved. It’s been hell since. I was able to break my lease and leave. I went to my moms over Christmas break but I came back because I didn’t want to disrupt my daughters schooling and I underestimated my ex.

I was able to get an apartment through DV services very quickly which was a miracle. I know how hard it is to find housing and then try to come up with all the deposits a new place needs. I did it, the cards fell in my favor. But then I fucked up. On Friday I took my daughter to school and wasn’t diligent. I will usually drive around to make sure I’m not being followed. To be honest I started feeling crazy, paranoid, and angry I was wasting gas. Plus I have pneumonia and strep that I haven’t been able to pay for the antibiotics so I just went home to my bed.

He found me and broke my nose, shattered my orbital bone, and I have a concussion. I had a restraining order and he was arrested. I shared this on another sub and everyone telling me to move, leave, RUN. Except I can’t do that. It’s hard trying to explain that to people for them to understand because it sounds like excuses, like I like living in fear or something. I can’t pull money out of thin air. My credit card is maxed. I contacted DV services at the hospital and because I just got help, I can’t get it again.

The thing I didn’t know about abusive men is that they don’t just move on or stop. There are DV shelters but they are full. I wish people would understand that I know how serious this is but money doesn’t grow on trees. Even if a life depends on it.

Relevant Comments:

Will your parents really not help you?

I only have my mom who lives out of state. She is on a fixed income so she can't help me. We could stay with her but at this point I'm out of luck and nothing worth a damn to sell.

You need to disappear:

Honestly how? I'm not going to get anywhere on foot.

Update 7: February 15, 2024 (11 days later, 2.5 months from OG post)

Title: He was with me to get to my daughter

It all makes sense now. If you need more context please read my past posts. In my first post I said how we had a normal relationship and he was never abusive, controlling, never raised his voice. The money that he ended up stealing was money I had hidden since before he even moved in. I was not hiding money to get away from him. I was not afraid of him. I lost my sister to DV and swore I’d never have that happen to me only to end up in that exact situation. We didn’t have this spectacular love that was filled with insane chemistry, nowhere near a “love of my life” situation which is why I was so confused by how desperate he got.

After he got arrested his mom went on a social media rant because I “got her baby locked up” and knew we were sleeping in my car so was telling her followers that if they find me to call her. Very bold and insane. One of my exes friends saw this and commented “Idk if you should be sticking up for him, he needs serious help”. I don’t know how I caught it before it was deleted but I reached out to him on my fake facebook.

Every time they were drinking he would talk about her and then laugh it off. It made his friends uncomfortable but they chalked it up to the booze. Two weeks ago when my daughter came to see me in the hospital she was distraught. It made sense because I looked like hell but she kept repeating over and over asking me why he did this to me. I think there was more to this and I’m frightened to my core. Remember he stole my epi pen and money but he destroyed almost everything of hers and I didn't understand it because she had nothing to do with the breakup.

Why did he destroy her medicine? Why did he destroy her clothes? Fucking why? Dont abusers threaten their victim into not saying anything or something is going to happen to someone/something they love? I’m sick to my stomach even writing that out. I don’t know where to go from here, how do I even begin a conversation about this with her? We are safe. I’m not worried about him finding us because he is still in jail which is great because I’m out of money. He wasn’t desperate and crazy because he was losing me, I think it was because of her.

Update 8: February 20, 2024 (5 days later)

Title: My ex is getting bailed out tomorrow

I'm so angry and scared.

I wish I had faith in the justice system and with cops because they are supposed to protect, right? Except that isn't always the case.

I'm tired of being hurt and I'm tired of being scared. Anxiety is on 100.

It's exhausting fearing my daughter and I's life.

Update 9: February 28, 2024 (8 days later, 3 months from OG post)

Title: How can I feel safer at home?

I know a lot of people are following my posts and will be disappointed in hearing that my ex was bailed out. I’m still healing from when he broke my nose and shattered my orbital bone. I know a restraining order is just a piece of paper because he ignored it when I was attacked and the police aren’t going to save me. For security I only have a door bar that slides under the knob. I don’t have a ring camera and I can’t buy a pew pew until I have extra funds. He made me sell it a year ago because he was “uncomfortable” with it being in the house. Another red flag I missed.

My question is what can I do to feel safer that doesn’t require money? Every night my daughter and I push the couch in front of the door but I’m worried that if there is a fire we can’t get out. I have myself worried sick to the point of painful stomach ulcers. I tried talking to my nearest neighbor but when I started explaining my situation and how it would be great if she could let me know if she sees anyone around my apartment she got weirded out. Which I get.

Just looking for some peace of mind, will that ever exist in my life again?

Update 10: March 6, 2024 (1 week later)

Title: AITAH or was this just a mistake?

Editor's note: I removed the first part of this as it is a recap of the previous posts

I know this is all I post about and if you want more context you can read my past posts. I feel like I need to tell someone what is happening so that it makes it feel real and that I’m not just upset and crazy for nothing. My ex got out on bail last week. My daughter and I already left the new apartment we had moved into after he attacked me.

My daughter's school knows about my situation and knows I have a restraining order. Today my daughter got a call from the front office at school. The secretary told her that the pickup car had changed from mine to a new car. She was being told this so that when school let out she wouldn’t get upset when she didn’t see my car. The “new car” is the same one as my exes. It is a rare car/color and she told me she knew it was his car. She didn’t say anything to the secretary or her teacher because she was instantly scared. It breaks my heart that she was in fear because she thought he had got me and was going to get her.

She was given the message hours before school let out so she spent all that time worrying. The last ten minutes of the day is when the kids can use the bathroom and clean up. She started crying infront of her whole class and when the bell rang she refused to leave her classroom. I was in the carpool line when I got the call from her teacher.

I have never seen her so upset and that is saying a lot because she was so upset when she visited me in the hospital. Face beet red, hyperventilating, snot everywhere, she had cried so hard she got a nosebleed. After they told me what happened I was livid. It all sounded like bullshit because the secretary never should have relayed the message without talking to me first since she said it was a male on the phone. As soon as the secretary looked my daughter up to find out which room to call she should have seen the message I thought I had saying no one should ever pick her up but me. No information should ever be released.

“He was never in contact with her so it’s not that big of a deal, it was a mistake” is what they told me. All he had to give was her full name and what grade she was in to get a message to her. They said that to me with a straight face while the bruises he gave me were very visible proving he is a violent man. I’m so f*cking angry. She told me she knew I didn’t get a new car because as much as I try to hide it from her she knows I’m broke. She thought she was going to have to go with him. She has been so traumatized and I don't know what to do. She wants to switch to e learning but since it’s not a medical reason and not a school wide restriction I would have to pay to rent the laptop. Which I obviously can’t.

The school is calling it an innocent mistake and didn't even apologize. I know I'm the only one responsible for my daughter and I’s safety but damn if people could stop jeopardizing it like it’s nothing and then acting like I’m the asshole for being upset because it was a “mistake”. He wasn’t there after school but he could have.

Update 11: March 7, 2024 (Next Day)

Title: He is never going to stop terrorizing us

Editor's note- This is an almost word for word repost of the above post. I've kept it here for the timeline but also to include relevant Comments.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: I hate to blatantly ask but did you ever find your cat?

OOP: Hi yes I have my cat!

Commenter: Have you contacted your mother, does she know what’s going on? I don’t know what your relationship with her is like but would she willing to help in any capacity

OOP: The only thing she can assist with is a room for us to stay in which is great but not if I can't get there. My daughter is refusing to go to school. I don't know what to do.

*****Update 12: April 1, 2023 (3.5 weeks later)*****

I've had a few people asking so I wanted to update. I can now confidently say that my daughter, cat, and I are safe and will continue to be from here on out. I can start rebuilding without fear. I'm not okay but we are safe.

Update 13: April 23, 2024 (3 weeks later, almost 5 months from OG post)

Title: I’ve spent the last 4 months running for my life

I just want to say that if anyone is going through something similar to me, you can vent to me. This is something you have to experience to understand how hard it is. I know there are DV resources but they are extremely limited. I had someone on here “checking in” with me and when I explained what was going on I was asked “why aren’t you stable yet” and it kinda took me off guard. Only a few people knew I was pregnant through this.

I left my home with basically nothing and went to a hotel and he found me, I went to another hotel and he found me, I went to a safe house for two nights where I was asked to leave because my ex was dangerous, slept in my car with my daughter, went to my moms out of state, came back to my home state because that is where DV resources helped with a apartment, he followed me back to my apartment from my daughters school, I was hospitalized when he broke my nose, shattered my orbital bone, and gave me a concussion. I had to leave that apt, back to hotels and sleeping in my car, and finally back to my moms. So much money feels wasted. I have the opportunity to be added onto her new lease but it’s a bigger unit and requires a first/last deposit (impossible unless I rob a bank). The pet deposit is already paid.

But I only have until the 1st or we are back to living in the car because we have exceeded our “visitation” days. A year lease where my rent would only be $500 a month, utilities maybe $150? I’d be saving so much money and be able to rebuild my life. We would all have our own rooms which means privacy! Even though we are all female, privacy is precious. I haven’t slept in a bed since the hotel beds but even then it wasn’t “my” bed. It’s been my car, hotel bed, or the couch. Even when we were briefly in our new place I still slept on the couch with it pushed against the front door.

I know all my posts are about the same thing, one thing after another, and yes it IS exhausting and repetitive but think about how I feel. I’m desperate for stability and I can’t get it because he took so much from me. It wasn’t until I was out of “our” house and away from him for me to see how much power he had over my life. It’s embarrassing. Even if I have to go back to living in my car I’ll still be around to talk and I’ll still be optimistic because I deserve good things to happen to me that aren't only in my dreams.

Clarification on the air tag:

There was! Someone helped him put one in my cat's carrier because he knew if I was going to leave, I'd never leave my cat behind.

Update 14: May 21, 2024 (1 month later, almost 6 from OG post)

Title: The vet gave my abuser my location

I want to say this was a genuine mistake and not done with malicious intent but I still need to vent about it. Just like my daughter's school letting my abuser give her a message, this was an accident but accidents put my life in danger and I’m exhausted. I post about my situation alot and despite a few users thinking my ex would find my reddit, I’m not worried about that. However, I am terrified of him knowing where I am. He has gone through a restraining order, police don’t scare him, and when he got/gets arrested he will just get bailed out. I knew the only way I could live a normal life was getting as far away from him as possible.

So I took my daughter and cat and moved in with my mom a few states away. I was 100% confident that he didn’t know where I was because they never met, we were actually estranged for a few years before my ex and I even got together. I started feeling safe. I stopped jumping when I heard loud trucks. I was starting to get comfortable even though not alot of time had passed.

A few days ago my cat's back legs stopped working and he lost control of his bodily fluids.I was working but my mom rushed him to the ER vet. There were questions she couldn’t answer so they asked if he was chipped. He is but I changed my number a few times lately so one of the two numbers was out of service so they called the second one. I forgot to remove his number, I know this is my fault. The vet called him to get information and he didn’t give any information and hung up on them. The receptionist said he called back about 5 minutes later and said “I know she doesn’t have money. Tell her I’ll save her cat if she comes home”.

He knows how much my cat means to me. He found me the first time I left because his mom helped him sew an air tag into the lining of the cat carrier. He knew if I was to ever leave him I wouldn’t leave my cat. One time my ex threw him out of the house to hurt me while I was at work he refused to leave the porch. My ex then tried squirting him with a water bottle and when that didn’t work, he sprayed him with the hose. He basically got waterboarded and still would not leave.

He is my soul cat. When I got to the vet and they told me what happened I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in awhile. I’ve had my cat for ten years and he has never gotten sick or injured. He has a UTI and a fractured foot from falling. The vet thinks he probably got his foot hurt first and that led to the UTI since he wasn’t using the litter box. I noticed he was slightly limping a few days ago but I couldn’t get him into the vet yet. The UTI developed quickly. I was naive in thinking the vet would save a pet's life even if the owner can’t pay upfront but it isn’t like a human going into the ER.

I’ve spent so much money and time trying to get away from my ex while also trying to live a normal safe life for my daughter. Once again something happens and he now knows the city we are in. I’m not running again because I can’t. I don’t think he will drive up here because like I said I’m a few states away but man did this bring back my paranoia and irrational fear.

I changed the chip information but the damage is done, I was a fucking idiot for not doing it sooner. This is my fault, I'm so damn tired.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Why did they use the microchip to get your number? Did your mom not have your most recent number to give them or something? Could you not be reached at work? That’s just weird to me.

OOP: My mom was flustered because she knew the ER vet was going to be expensive and knew I couldn't pay but she couldn't answer any questions because she didn't know. Didn't know how old he was or if he had his shots. I can't take my phone into my work building and she didn't know the manager's phone number.

I was able to pay partial with scratchpay but not all which is heartbreaking. A broken heart and frustrating anger is what I feel too.

Commenter: I just don’t understand why the vet would go through the trouble of scanning the chip and calling the numbers on there instead of just asking your mom for your number?? Seems like a lot of grief could have been avoided and the clinic had to do more work to call a company and get the phone numbers.

OOP: I've had to change my number over 6 times in a three month time span, my mom didn't know it off the top of her head.

Commenter: If you are communicating with your mom it would be in her phone. If it changes so often, the last number in her phone would be more accurate than a microchip which is less likely to be updated. This is very strange.

OOP: I was at work, I can not have my personal phone on me and my cat was having a medical emergency. My mom didn't know how old my cat is or if he had his shots. They had alot of questions she had no answer to so they scanned the chip to get information.

Editor's note: Some people commented on the first BORU that OOP's ex was a police officer. However, I can't find anything in OOP's posts or comments that confirms this, nor has she said anything about it. (Nothing shows up when checking deleted comments either.) It's definitely possible, but I just wanted to address it here since it was brought up so often.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 22nd May 2024

- 23rd May 2024

Tomorrow I will finally give my dad what he deserves

My dad never bought anything for himself. He has been through a lot, work and the working hours are very hard. All my life I only saw him spending all of his money for my mum, my siblings and me. My dad would never buy himself new clothes, wears clothes for longer than 20 years. He always had the oldest phone in my family. He even bought my mom her dream car. I‘m being honest, I also grew up very spoiled. For college, I got a laptop, an iPad and for my 18th birthday I got a car.

But I never took anything for granted. Instead, I started to feel bad. My dad could never invest in his dreams because he would spend all his money on us. Sometimes, when money was already running tight, he would still offer me money.

I know that my dad wants a laptop for quite some time now. He keeps looking online at laptops but never buys them because he would never buy something nice for himself. I‘m a broke student. For 2 years, I have been saving up money every month to buy my dad a very nice laptop.

The laptop will arrive tomorrow and I‘m so excited to gift it to my dad. Finally, he gets a gift that he deserves. I will finish college soon and I want to gift him so many more things.

I grew up spoiled but now I want to spoil my dad. I‘m just so utterly thankful to him. I love you dad.

Comments

Candid-Quail-9927

Please come back and share how the gift was received. Don't be surprised if he asks you to return it. You have a very special dad who raised his kids right.

OOP: I will share it! I was actually thinking that my dad would want me to return it. But I will not, it is a gift for him and he finally needs to accept that he also deserves something nice

rjwyonch

I predict a choked up, stern “that’s too much, you shouldn’t have done that” with an awkward back-clap hug.

Or,

Your dad will instantly transform into an excited 5-year old who just got the BIG present from Santa.

There’s no in between, if my experience of dads is any guide.

Update - 1 day later

UPDATE: So first of all, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for so many kind comments. They even made me tear up. I will come back and re-read the comments whenever I have a bad day! I gifted my dad the laptop and also a card that I wrote myself (someone suggested it in the comments, thanks!).

My dad first opened the card and read it. He teared up a bit while reading. After that he opened the laptop (I wrapped it). He was in shock. I noticed bc usually he talks a lot but while unpacking the laptop and turning it on, he was very silent. I think he couldn’t believe what was happening.

Nevertheless, I picked the perfect laptop, my dad loves everything about it. My parents are going on a trip this weekend and after getting the laptop, my dad said he doesn’t want to go on that trip anymore 🤣 he wants to explore the laptop. He was happy like a little kid. So I guess, it was a success!

Comments

Sakura8Mochi

This made me tear up. Your dad reminded me so much of mine. I lost my precious Papa almost eight years ago now, and even years before he passed, he already was bedridden due to a stroke, needing 24 hour care because he had Alzheimer's. Treasure your time together as much as you can, and count yourself lucky that you still have time to spoil him.

alc1982

OMG that is so sweet. It feels nice to do something for the parents that have worked so hard for us, huh? I got my mom brand new flooring for the living room and entryway when she was gone one weekend. She was SO happy when she walked in. The money I had for it came from a portion of my inheritance from my grandparents (paternal). I knew they would be happy I used it to help my mom <3

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Am I the jerk for resenting my dad because of his new family and for seeing my stepfather as a better dad than him?

Trigger Warnings: child neglect, deadbeat dad, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation

: February 16, 2024

When I was younger I had a very good relationship with my dad. My parents divorced when I was a infant, but I spent weekdays with my mom and weekends with my dad. My dad and I were like best friends, and we had a simple routine every weekend where we'd get five Redbox movies to finish during the weekend, we'd go fishing, we'd play soccer, and we'd bike to this little secret playground near the zoo.

Something else I was used to was my dad always having new girlfriends that never lasted more than two weeks. The only one who lasted longer (a woman I really liked who lasted two years) left my dad when I was ten. But my relationship with my dad was the same as ever until I was twelve and my dad met his now wife. This woman has two kids, one older and one younger than me. They moved into my dad's apartment after only two weeks.

My room was already small, but my tiny mattress and three small plastic drawers were shoved into the corner of the room to make space for the daughters' bunk bed and dresser. Before I knew it, they started putting my bed in a closet until I came to visit and often would forget to take it out at all. When my dad moved into a bigger house, the older sister got her own room while I had to share one with the younger sister every weekend. The three small drawers I had were soon just one drawer because the little sister wanted the other two for her toys.

Slowly, I started visiting my dad less and less. Then everything went especially wrong when my dad got his girlfriend pregnant after one year. They got married and I didn't know that for a whole month because he didn't even tell me. I also didn't know my baby half-sister was born until weeks after she came home from the hospital. To make his new family happy, he started spoiling them and stopped paying child support for me and my mom. His wife is a jobless gold-digger who only cooks and cleans and shops, her older daughter is having her college paid for by my dad, and the younger daughter is the definition of a 10-year-old Sephora kid. As for my half-sister, she is still a toddler but is clearly spoiled and hates the word "No". The routine I used to have with my dad is now dead.

As for my stepdad, he's been with my mom since I was five. Apparently (though I don't remember it) I once called him "Dad" and because of that my dad told me I shouldn't love than man like a dad because he's not really my father. Apparently, that's why I started acting like I hated my stepdad. I never knew why I felt that way about him since he'd never been anything but good to me, and in the last few years I've felt much closer to him. He feels like the dad that my birth-father should try to be.

Over time, my dad has started to treat me differently. He rants to me about his political beliefs and conspiracy theories about aliens and stuff. He also brags about his new business and his new family, and if I ever try to share anything with him he gets annoyed and shuts me up before continuing with his stories. It's like now he sees me as a buddy rather than his freaking daughter. Also, it was during these last few years that I learned the reason he and my mom divorced was not because they weren't right for each other but rather because my father cheated on my mom while visiting his family in Canada.

I am now fifteen, and I have become a completely different person than the one my birth-dad remembers. I no longer love the beach or soccer and I now love music and reading and writing. I have written and published two books since 2022, and am writing the third in my series. My stepdad supports my dreams and loves me so much that he brags about me to friends and family and calls me his daughter. My stepdad has an actual daughter who I love like a real sister, though she lives up north with her boyfriend and I don't see her often. Still, though, I love them more than I love my birth-dad and half-sister who I'm actually related to.

My dad blames me for never calling, though because of how he's treated me lately I don't feel like I owe it to him. I also go months at a time without visiting him now because I no longer feel comfortable at that house. Especially since the bed I sleep on over there is literally considered as their "guest bed". In my birth-dad's house, I am a guest.

Because of all of this, I resent my dad. I haven't told anyone about this so no one is calling me a jerk, but I'm wondering if I am because my dad is in love with his new family and I'm wondering if it's a bad thing I'm not happy for him.

Am I the jerk?

Comments

JustAnotherSaddy: Not the jerk.

Your dad failed you. He’s the only reason why you don’t have a relationship with him. Glad your step dad is good to you. Hope your calling him dad now.

The_Balaram: Absolutely NOT the jerk. Your father failed on his only task of being exactly THAT, a FATHER, so you are on your right to cut any connection you want with him.

: May 18, 2024 (3 months later)

Hello. So, I made a post a few months ago talking about how my dad has basically stopped treating me like his daughter now that he has a new family. Not much has happened since, but here's an update anyway:

So, since I made the initial post, I've only visited my dad's house once and, safe to say, I truly am nothing more than an uncomfortable guest in that house.

I should start off by saying that every time I spend a few months without going to his house, my dad tries to play all innocent and calls me on Fridays to ask when he should pick me up. I never answer because he always calls me when I'm in a class or busy with studying, so he'll call my mom. But because he never asks me in advance, I tend to have plans on weekends with my cousins, friends, or just to work on writing since I am still working on my third book and it takes a lot of focus that I can't get in his house.

Actually, I'm now just gonna call him Eric. He's honestly not been as much of a "dad" figure to me as my stepdad has.

Anyway, it was my mom who had decided I would go over to his house. Despite the fact that Eric hasn't paid child support in over 2 years now and I hate going to his house, my mom says I should just visit from time to time to keep him from getting the court involved. She confuses me, sometimes saying that he's a deadbeat man, but also sometimes saying that he's my loving dad who deserves my respect.

However, under the circumstances, I'm fairly certain that nothing would be any different since I never visit him and he doesn't pay child support anyway. In fact, once on Christmas, he bought a bunch of new gifts for his family and wrapped them up and everything, but weeks before Christmas when I was visiting, he drove to Walmart so his wife could do groceries and he handed me $200 and said, "Merry Christmas. Buy yourself something and the rest can be child support or whatever." I bought two books, but the rest of the money that was supposedly 'child support' was nothing near to the amount he owed.

I have told my mom I would be happier if he lost custody of me and my stepdad adopted me, but she thinks that's too extreme and says, "He's still your dad. He deserves your respect and love".

Now, about the weekend I visited him, from the minute Eric picked me up, all he talked about was his new family. He talked about the older sister and her boyfriend, the younger sister and the shopping she does, and the my half-sister who can now talk a little bit. I stayed silent the whole ride until he asked me a question about my school, and when I answered his question he got frustrated and went into a conspiracy theory rant. I tuned him out for the rest of the drive after that.

The rest of the weekend wasn't any better. The older sister did what she always does when I visit and locked herself in her room, only coming out when I left the house or when I was in the bathroom so she wouldn't have to talk to me. And the younger sister had a friend of hers over and her friend had her stuff tossed on my bed and was sitting on it because it's the bed she sleeps in when she has sleepovers.

Eric's wife did a poor job of hiding how bothered she was by me visiting. More than once, she has been completely shocked I was visiting because Eric didn't tell her so she couldn't disagree.

And also, most of the weekend consisted of Eric taking me and my half-sister to a playground so she could run around with her friends, and I sat on a bench to read but I didn't have much time to myself since Eric kept leaving and told me to keep an eye on my half-sister who is a wild and fussy kid. I am not a babysitter, and while I am good with kids, that does not mean I enjoy putting my own time aside to look after them when they're not my responsibility.

I had to spend two days in either pure chaos or discomfort, and I had a talk with my mom about me not wanting to go over there anymore. She said that's fine and she won't force me to go anymore, but since she's said that before, I don't believe her. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this, and this whole situation is stressing me out because I don't remember my dad ever being as happy as he is now, and I still sometimes feel like I should be happy for him.

I don't know what to do, and any advice on anything I could do would be helpful. Everyone who's commented on my last post so far has said I'm not the jerk and that Eric isn't acting the way a dad should, but he still reaches out from time to time and says I'm his baby girl who he loves. Honestly, I almost cry whenever he says that because it reminds me of how we used to be.

Am I overthinking all of this or overreacting? What should I do? Am I the jerk here because I'm not happy for my dad?

Comments

CatchHefty5872: You should tell your mum the more she forces you to go to your dad's the more it's going to ruin your relationship with her as she's not listening to what you want and how you feel.

You should also tell her you no longer trust what she says as she has told you before that she will no longer force you into going but she does it anyway.

If you can't talk to your mum, have a one on one chat with your stepdad and see if he can help when it comes to your mum.

: May 19, 2024

Hello, everyone. It's only been a couple of days since my last post. Since then, I have taken the advice most of you have given me and I talked to my mom about how I don't want to keep being forced by her to visit Eric (my sperm donor, as most of you referred to him as).

Long story short, I'm not 100% sure she won't continue to send me over to Eric's house, but she did wind up sending him long texts, chewing him out for not treating me right and telling him to step up and pay his child support. He didn't answer her though, so I followed some other advice and wrote him a long text myself that detailed how I felt about his treatment of me the last few years.

The thing is, as soon as I sent that text, he called me to yell at me and called me spoiled and overdramatic. He said it's my fault we don't have a relationship since I never visit or talk to him anymore, and because I mentioned the unpaid child support, he said that I was only reaching out to him for money.

I nearly cried during that phone call and wound up just hanging up on him. He sent some angry texts to my mother as well. But later that day, he left a voicemail on my phone saying, "Money is kind of tight for me right now. I'm completely broke. You know I love you, right?" The thing is that I know that's a lie because I'm always seeing my younger step-sister make Tik-Tok videos showing off the Sephora and other expensive crap he buys her all the time.

I think I'm done trying. And some of you suggested asking my stepdad for help. I wish I could, but when I asked my mom again if he could adopt me, she said something that absolutely crushed me. Apparently, my stepdad himself said he doesn't feel like he should adopt me. My stepdad is a very kind and sympathetic man, but he's also extremely unconfrontational and thinks it would be like a slap in the face to Eric if he adopted me.

Also, because I noticed some confusion about this in the comments on my last update, the reason my parents divorced was because he cheated, but it wasn't with his current wife. My parents split up when I was still basically an infant, and Eric lived in Canada where he jumped from girlfriend to girlfriend there before he moved down here and continued to jump from girlfriend to girlfriend. When I was 12, he met and knocked up his wife, Alejandra, and married her without telling me till a month after their courthouse wedding.

Also, some of you asked how old I am. I am fifteen. It feels ridiculous that I have this stress on me at my age, and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I can't talk to my stepdad because he's always working and I'm only ever with him when my mom is there too, and I don't like talking to her because she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel.

The last time I tried to discuss my mental health with my mom, I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong. I'm not super religious, and talking to her about anything serious makes me deeply uncomfortable. It's not that I don't love her, since she is my mom after all, but she's pretty intense and intimidating.

My dad has not reached out to me again since his voicemail. Frankly, I don't want to even thing about him for a long while now If he suddenly realizes how badly he's screwed up with me and apologizes, then maybe I'll try to rebuild our relationship.

As for my stepdad, he may not want to adopt me, but he still calls me his daughter (never just his step-daughter) and I truly feel loved by him. I love his parents like they're my own grandparents, and his whole family is so warm and loving. I might make another update if anything else happens, but for now I'm just going to focus on school and my books. Maybe now that I understand that Eric really doesn't care that much about me anymore, I can finally focus on finishing my third book.

I dedicated my first book to him, and I honestly don't regret it. I dedicated that book to the dad he used to be. It's not like he'll ever read that book since he doesn't think it's smart that I want to be a writer, but I don't care. I'm done.

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and told me I wasn't the jerk. I feel so much better with those reassurances. Thank you.

Comments

Tiny_Dancer97: I'd reply that maybe he'd stop being broke if he wasn't spoiling his new family and ignoring his obligations to his actual daughter. And tell him that honestly he hasn't acted like my dad in years so let's just stop pretending and he can be happy with his replacements because I'm done being ignored and walked on by someone who obviously doesn't want me there.

JezzLandar: You say your 'father' sent you a text saying "you know I love you, don't you?". You should respond : No. No I don't know this at all. I know you say you do, but you have never shown me this love. Love isn't just a word you can throw at me as you'd throw a bone to a dog. Love is a feeling of support and safety. It's a deep felt knowledge of total acceptance. It's the tissue when I cry, the back rub when I am sad or hurt.

It's that wink at a shared joke and the hug of joy and glorious celebration. That, daddy dear, is love. That is what I both expect and need from you. As things stand, you are a horrible disappointment and a terrible father.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Caught My(35m) wife(34) sending pics to BIL(40m) is our marriage is salvageable at this point?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, possible grooming

Apr 30, 2024

I really dont want to spam this sub I posted today morning, but when I returned from office my account was banned. This will be my last try to post this.

My wife Jessica (34) and I (35m) have been married for 3 years, and we dated for 2 years before that and we have two year old daughter. Jessica has two sisters, the eldest one (38f) is married to Jake (40m).

A week ago, I came home from work early and wanted to scare Jessica. I tried to be sneaky, but somehow I slipped and accidentally hurt my back. Jessica came to my rescue. I went to the bedroom, and she went to the kitchen to get an ice pack. Her phone was by the bed, and a WhatsApp notification came from Jake saying, "You've got the best pair I've ever seen."

I immediately knew what was happening. I unlocked the phone and saw that she had just sent some pics and video of her t*ts to Jake, and there were no previous chats before that. When Jessica came back to the room, I showed her the chat and asked, "How long?"

I have known this woman for 10 years, and I have never seen her so mortified. Her eyes got teary, and she said, "Babe, I am sorry, but I can explain" so I said go on.

According to her, at the end of 2019, she was struggling with money, and Jake suggested he would help her out. He hinted that he would like to see her pics( I feel like I am writing a p**n script at this point). So she did sent him pics and it continue over the years, She swears there was nothing emotional or physical involved—it was purely transactional. I didn't believe any of it, but she showed me on Venmo, that MF paid her $300 yesterday.

I then told her, "It's been 5 years. Try to remember if anything physical happened". For me, if even half of what she is saying is true, how could something like that not become physical? She started crying and told me she could prove it tomorrow because Jake would get suspicious if she tried to talk to him now.

I took her phone, went to a bar, got wasted for the night, and when I came back, she was still there crying. I just slept on the couch. Next day morning I gave her the phone she called Jake, conversation goes something like this

Jessica: Hey, I was wondering if you want some more pics?

Jake: I'm short on money, yesterday, I spent all of it.

Jessica: We can do something more this time and meet in person. I've changed my mind on that.

Jake: No way. How much are we talking about?

I felt like I was going to puke, I told her that we are done and left for office. I am not a very wealthy dude, but I would consider myself a stable guy who could take care of his family. Now I just feel like I have failed as a man, who's wife had to sell her body to meet her expected lifestyle. When I got home that night, she looked like shit, I asked Jessica why she kept taking money from him after we got married and why she didn't ask me while we were dating. She said she didn't know how to stop and that it was easy money. I left my home that night and told her she can keep the home and the car but I want 50/50 custody of my child.

So here I am now, haven't told anyone about this. It's been a week since, staying in a hotel. I go home in the evening to play with my daughter. I'm speaking with divorce lawyers, and Jessica is constantly talking about marriage counseling.

May 3, 2024

Before getting to the update, some people were asking me to get a paternity test. I don't need one, I know she is my daughter because I am Indian and Jessica(my wife) is white, and my daughter looks like me.

Now for the update

After I made that post, I shared my situation with my cousin sister(30f), she is the only family member I have living in the States. I visited her place the next day, and she knocked some sense into me. I realized part of me still didn't want a divorce because I basically married Jessica against my parents' will, they wanted me to have an arranged marriage. So, my failed marriage would hurt my ego.

She also arranged a meeting with a divorce lawyer and no I am not giving up my house, I was just emotional at that time. From what I understand, in our state, adultery has pretty much zero impact on the assets, so it will likely be a 50/50 split. However, there is a high chance I can get better custody of my daughter because I have a job, and Jessica doesn't. She is also involved in "sex work" at this point, which could work in my favor.

My father-in-law called me last evening, and he was crying. He told me he didn't know what to say to me and that if he were in my place, he would have left her. Apparently, Jessica got scared and told her family everything after I didn't visit home for 2 days and had blocked her everywhere. I guess I should have done that a little while ago and jake is out of his house also.

So, I think I will go for a divorce because there is no point of reconciliation at this point when the whole relationship seems fake to me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

Did the sister kick out the BIL?

OOP

Yeah she kicked him out yesterday I didnt ask about them that much but it sound like my SIL is sure she is getting divorce.

FINAL COMMENT from OOP

It doesn't really matter if she was cheating or not. The main thing is she lied throughout the whole relationship, and I refuse to believe it was only for money. It could have been an issue when we were dating, but not after marriage. I am a SDE-3 with 10 years of experience, and I have a somewhat high-paying job. I am only thinking about my daughter. If I patch up everything with Jessica I will still have trust issues and it would set a bad example of a relationship in my daughter's eyes, which can be bad in the long term.

May 11, 2024

Update 2: Caught My(35M) wife(34F) sending pics to BIL(40M) is our marriage is salvageable at this point?

I think it will be my last update:

In-short: I caught my wife excanging nudes with her brother in law for money and I was going for a divorce.

TL;DR: we are not getting a divorce anymore bye.

Before getting to the update some people were cursing me in my DMs saying I might not earn enough and accusing me of financially abusing my wife and taking advantage of her. I dont think this is the case for me, my salary is close to mid six figures, and we have a joint account where I put half of my in-hand salary and we don't even spend that much.

For those who were confused about the relationships in my post, my wife was exchanging pics with her brother in law(her sister's husband) not mine.

Now to the update:

After the day Jessica told everyone about the situation, my mother-in-law called and wanted to talk. She was with Jessica after the whole thing happened. I returned to my home later that evening, and her parents and her sister Josy(38F jake's wife) was there. After I got there, Jessica wanted to talk alone.

According to her, Jake was trying to pursue her since she was about 16-17. (For context, Jake and Josy have been together for 20 years now) This continued for almost 2 years. He used to make suggestive comments about her body, and she told Josy about it. But, Josy didn't believe Jessica at that time and told her she was doing this for attention. Jessica didn't tell her parents either because, according to her Josy was their parents' favorite, so nobody would have believed her.

Jake didn't do anything between those years besides casual flirting until 2019 when Jessica was having problems with rent and the whole transactional thing happened. I asked why she didn't ask me about it, and she said we were only one month into dating and it could have looked bad. She swears nothing happened after that until last year when Jake and Josy started having problems in their marriage, and he started messaging Jessica again.

She didn't entertain him at first, but she had gained some weight from pregnancy and thought I was ignoring her because of it, which I was not. At that time, I was working close to 13-14 hours a day to change my niche to another tech stack, massive layoffs were also going on, so it was a pretty bad time. Now she admitted that she liked the attention and validation this time(she called herself an attention 'whore'), but she didn't had any feelings towards him. They started exchanging pics and money and this happened three times. Then she addmited it was cheating although there were no emotional or physical actions from her side,but She said that she shouldn't have done it.

I asked her why she didn't tell me about Jake harassing her when we first met or started dating. She said she thought I wouldn't have believed her and that it was in the past. Then I asked why she didn't tell me the first time I found out about this. Her answer was the same: she believed I wouldn't have believed her because nobody else knew about this. I was just sad about the fact she doesn't trust me enough to tell me such a horific incident.

Now, I did something I am not very proud of. I asked her about a paternity test. I know it was stupid, but emotionally I was in a weird place at that moment. She was totally emotionless throughout the whole conversation, but after hearing about the test, she broke down crying and started hyperventilating, I started crying too. After about ten minutes or so, we stopped crying, and she said okay, then asked me if we are getting a divorce. I said I don't know.

She then said we should get a postnup before I do something like that. That line felt like a tight slap to my face, I was like "you're not even gonna convince me not to go through with it?". Then she left with her parents. The next day, she called crying, asking not to get a divorce, and to start marriage counciling. Obviously I said ok.

So here we are now after some weird couple of days, still getting the postnup, Her IC starting next week, Our MC starting next month. Hopefully, trust will return someday.

Also Jake is dening all that acording to him Jessica "seduced" him for money and my SIL is getting a divorce.

I know some people are gonna call me a doormat, but I don't care.

NEW UPDATE

May 19, 2024

We are separating for a while, not legally. She is just moving to her parents' house for at least six months. She hasn't done anything wrong in the past two weeks, then again she hasn't done anything wrong in the last year either, and I can't get her out of my mind and end up checking my phone every few minutes. So, I thought I needed to clear my mind to decide if I really want to reconcile or not. Maybe six months would be a good amount of time. We are getting a postnup and keeping all my assets to myself. I'm not sure how that's going to play out if we get a divorce, even if it's amicable.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Br4z3nBu77

Did you by any chance end up getting the paternity test that you threatened about in the now deleted previous update?

OOP

yeah, the results were positive

Br4z3nBu77

Wonderful.

I really hope that you and your wife are able to work through this.

Obviously a lot of therapy, both individually and together, is going to be needed.

I also hope that there are a lot of extremely explicit rules in place during the separation so that your ex? doesn’t exacerbate things to make it impossible to get back together because you are separated.

OOP

Yes, her IC started this week. We are not going to MC for the first few months. I don’t think the main purpose of the separation is to get back together, rather we want to see if we really want to reconcile or not. She is sure she wants to, but I am not certain. I don't think any child should grow up in a broken home like this. There aren't any extreme rules, just a simple no-contact policy unless necessary, and I will be seeing my daughter every other day.

~

Appropriate-Mud-4450

Didn't see it. Did you tell her sister about the affair?

OOP

she told her family about it now we are getting seperating for a while before taking any big step, you can find it on my post history I think.

When asked is if his wife was coerced and how the SIL is doing

OOP

Yeah, it seems like grooming. Her sister is blaming herself for the whole thing because she didn't listen when Jessica first told her about it, and they are getting divorced.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. Original post by in and his profile

Trigger Warnings Mentions of possible abuse and neglect

BORU note: I have included relevant comments from the original thread, these are not essential to understand the situation and can be skipped. However, I recommend that you read everything as it provides wider context.

Start of post 1

- 24 May 2024

Edit: I am a guy

Hi people,

My entire family are vegans, my dad especially is a very “vocal” vegan. He goes to vegan protests, was in vegan groups in our old city, he’s a vegan activist. Which I love, I’m not trying to paint those things as bad I really respect him for his thoughts.

My brother and I have both been raised vegan our entire lives. At school it’s always made me feel “othered” is the best way to explain it. Never able to eat anything sold in the school canteen, at friend’s birthdays never able to eat a piece of cake with my friends, or have to be the one who says “we can’t go to that restaurant they don’t serve any vegan food”. Always having to explain why I’m not allowed to “try a bite” of their sandwich. They aren’t huge things but they are things that make me stick out. Since I’m an awkward guy anyway, it just doesn’t help me socially. So when we moved cities and I joined a new school last Monday I decided that I’m not going to follow the vegan diet while I’m at school. I kept this to myself because I know my parents wouldn’t support it and would be angry.

When at home, or with my parents I will follow the vegan diet but if I’m out with my friends or at school I’m not going to say, in my mind this was respectful of my parents wishes. No meat in the house or around them but my myself is different. My brother and I both go to this new school. Since we don’t share a dinner time I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t going to follow the vegan diet, I didn’t think he would support it and I thought he would tell dad.

Things have been going alright but I didn’t know that on Fridays my brother’s dinner time would be at the same time as mine. I was sitting with some new friend and I was eating a cheese pizza (this is the only non-vegan food I’ve eaten so far. I want to try pepperoni but still feel a little scared) and my brother caught me and asked what I was doing eating pizza.

I tried to play it off but I knew I was screwed, my brother told my parents and now everyone is really upset at me. I’ve been grounded and my dad said he’s going to call my new school and tell them that if they sell me non-vegan food he will put in a discrimination complaint. Which is just going to make me seem like a weirdo now.

I tried to explain to him that I was trying to be respectful by not doing it here, but my parents just gave me a huge lecture about how I’m so selfish for breaking the diet. He said he can’t trust me anymore and now I feel guilty in one half of my brain and in another I’m telling myself it isn’t that big of a deal and they’re overreacting.

But I don’t know if I’m just being blind.

Please, no debates about the ethics of the vegan diet. I don’t care to debate it with anyone I’m sure there are subreddits where people will be happy to. Please focus on my situation when giving your verdict.

END OF POST 1

OP was given the NTA verdict.

Some relevant comments:

Comment thread 1

Commenter 1:

NTA. it’s really unfortunate your brother ratted you out

Commenter 2

On the plus side, it means the OP has a valid explanation next time someone asks if he wants to try something- "Sorry, I can't my brother's a snitch - yeah he snitched on me eating pizza lmao, he's a fucking weirdo right?"

....at least that's what I would like to pretend I would do in this situation.

OOP:

My brother is only 11, while I’m mad at him I don’t want to make his school life hard. I’ll probably just keep it to myself and I’ll remember we have the same dinner time on Fridays.

If I’m even brave enough to eat non-vegan again.

Comment thread 2

Commenter

NTA but you are not in a great position to rebel against your family's choices. The emphasis on a vegan lifestyle is similar to a religious lifestyle and it seems that your father views it that way if he is ranting about discrimination cases.

You are "apostate" and that is going to cause you trouble at home. But you are not wrong to be. Becoming an adult is a time when people challenge beliefs they've been brought up and see if they want to continue them into adult life. And you don't want to be vegan. You are being respectful - you are respecting their beliefs at home. I suppose there is an argument you should be respectful when spending money your father gives you at school if he feels very morally. But that falls down if you have employment and are spending own money.

You are going to have to assume that you are under scrutiny though by your brother and for interests of a good home life, I'd suggest sticking to the vegan diet at school. It is hard to recommend that you sneak around your parents but you are the only one that can decide if the downsides of being "othered" are sufficiently bad to offset that.

Give it three years and you will have freedom to fully make own choices. Pepperoni pizza is good but it can be quite spicey. Also watch out for an upset stomach as it may take you time to acclimatize to meat.

OOP:

I have free school meals, so my dad isn't paying for food at school.

I get what you mean, thank you for your advice

Comment thread 3

Commenter

NTA. Not sure how old you are but you should not at all feel guilty about how strictly or if you even want to be a vegan. I bet your dad ate pepperoni pizza before he game a vegan

OOP

I’m 15, and honestly I doubt it. My grandparents raised my dad vegetarian before they became vegan and he’s super hardcore with it. I can’t imagine he’s ever eaten meat.

my mom probably has, she turned vegan when she met my dad.

Comment thread 4

Commenter 1:

The part about your dad making a discrimination complaint to the school if they sell you animal products is hilarious to me. Since he’s in activist circles, I’d think he would know that’s not discrimination. Your NTA. 

OOP:

I don't know, I think what he's truly saying is he will embarrass me in front of everyone. He's made big fusses about me being vegan before at school and he knows I don't like when he does it. He probably thinks that I'll just agree so he doesn't come in and do his whole act to embarrass me.

Another comment by OP that is relevant

What he's done before is go into the school reception and cause a huge fuss, screaming shouting. He's done this during break time when he knows everyone will be able to see him. That was about there not being enough vegan foods provided by the school canteen. He knows it embarrasses me and I think sometimes he uses it as a weapon against me that he will act like that in public.

It sucks, but I feel less guilty after talking to you people. So thank you.

Commenter 2:

He won't embarrass you, he will embarrass himself. Parents are embarrassing, it's a fact of life. You are old enough to make your own food choices, and you are NTA here at all.

OOP:

The thing is it will embarrass me and I’ll be an outcast again like at my old school

Start of Post 2

- 28 May 2024

Hi people,

I just wanted to get on here and give a brief update to my AITA post. I wanted to say a huge thank you to all the people who messaged me and replied to the post with kind words and encouragement that I didn't actually do anything wrong and I wasn't being blind to the situation.

It's half term where I live at the moment so we're not at school this week, I am hoping that this all blows over by the time of next Monday because I am really worried that my dad is going to embarrass me at my new school by causing a scene. I was going to send an email out to my form tutor describing the situation to them, but I am worried that they will think I'm being stupid.

My parents aren't talking to me at the moment, like fully ignoring my existence when I go and sit with them so I'm just sitting in my room. My dad took all my electronics off me but he doesn't know I have this old android phone and Chromebook from like 8 years ago in my closet drawers.

I haven't been able to speak to my friends since he took my phone, I really hope my dad isn't messaging them about me because last time I was grounded he messaged all my friends off my phone telling them how awful I was. My parents haven't been making me any meals when they cook for everyone but I'm also not meant to use the oven so I've just been eating beans and mycoprotein that I've cooked in the microwave.

Even though you all voted me as NTA, I really regret what I did. My dad made me watch this film called Dominion and it's made me feel really guilty. I just wish I had never done it because it wasn't worth all this. I'm going to be staying vegan because I really don't want to disappoint my family again like this and I feel really bad.

This is probably going to be the last time I go on this account, but again thank you all.

End of post 2

Reminder, I am NOT OOP, please do NOT comment on original threads or contact OOP.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in

Thanks to for this rec!

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Original : May 17, 2024

Title: I am devastated

My poor albino apple snail, John, just climbed out of his tank and fell about 5 feet onto the floor. Broke his shell and is dying. I have no clove oil and can't bring myself to stomp him, so I placed him in a plant that shares his name where he will die peacefully.

Image description: John in a plant, not looking so good

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Use a piece of eggshell to cover the hole and instant super glue on the edges to hold it(only glue on the edges on the shell, cannot touch the snail's body, if you're lucky it will cover it long enough for him to harden a little under it.

OOP: He has already died, if he didn’t die on impact he died very shortly after. I placed him in the tank for a bit after he fell to see if he did anything and he didn’t move or react to stimuli. 

Commenter: Clove oil doesn't work on snails like it does on fish anyways, may have been more painful. Not sure if there is a humane method for snail euthanasia besides crushing. 

 He may still be in shock from the fall, I'd give a bit more time to see if he might be alive. Maybe not in the main tank but in some container with tank water. Could be wrong.

OOP: I decided to put him back in some tank water just to make sure he’s dead after another commenter said something similar, and I can clearly see he’s unmoving and unresponsive. He’s gone, unfortunately.

Commenter: I had a snail that fell and cracked his shell. I just put him back in the tank and he’s been kicking it enjoying life for 3 years now.

OOP: about half his shell was gone, how big was your snail's crack

Update (16 hours later, same post)

Edit: due to popular advice i have glued eggshell to his shell, and he is now in a holding tank, he has not moved for over 10 hours, but he has responded (albeit, slightly) to stimuli! He may be able to be saved.

Update : May 19, 2024 (2 days later)

Title: John LIVES

Earlier this week i posted about how my snail, John, fell 5 feet from his tank and broke his shell. I thought he was gone, but many of you told me to repair his shell with eggs. Now, a few days after the fall, he is back and kicking. Thank you!

Edit: because he is such a badass, his new name is John Marston

description: John, now partially egg-shelled, looking happy!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: What?!?! I thought he was laid to peace in a potplant??? Johno my GUY!!!!

OOP: he was but then i tried to save him

Commenter: So happy for you, I had no idea this was possible either and I’m glad it’s working out for you so far. Although now I’m extra worried about the person in your last thread who didn’t know this and was like “I sure hope I didn’t bury my snail alive”

OOP: I buried him alive for a bit until I decided to save him, snails are resilient as hell

Commenter: Wow that's wild, how do you do that with eggs??

OOP: Superglue onto the affected area

(to a different commenter): Yes, superglue eggshell onto the effected area and feed eggshells for calcium. I use gorilla glue gel as it is aquarium safe when dried. You can get it at Lowe’s.

Commenter: O, that's really interesting. Are those white spots on him where the new shell is growing?

OOP: no my nerite lays eggs on the mystery snails

(to a different commenter): Nerite eggs, nerite snails lay eggs on other snails

Picture : May 20, 2024 (3 days from OG post)

Title: This guy doesn't know 1283+ people on reddit love and care about him

Fun fact from OOP: Mystery snails use their lungs as ballast, they float at the water surface and sometimes use their bodies as sails.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 20th May 2024

- 23rd May 2024

Wife won’t let me see my dying ex.

I went no contact with my ex after we got married. I was recently contacted by my ex’s sister because she(ex) has cancer that’s terminal. She’s in hospice. Her sister explained to me that one of my ex’s wishes was to talk to me face to face for something important. They both insisted that it had to be done in person. She wouldn’t explain what it was because she said she didn’t even know.

I told my wife about this, and she told me absolutely not; I cannot visit her. I understand her feelings about this, but this person is quite literally dying. We have to come to a decision, and I don’t know what’s the best thing to do. I’m asking here, and I want to know how other people feel about it.

Comments

MrsJonesy2012

I'm firmly on wife's side. Like what good could come from seeing her? She tells you she still loves you or some secret reason why you broke up etc-would good does that actually do?

You've been no contact for awhile, so I see no reason why she'd need to talk to you. Other than her selfish wish to see you one last time and yes dying people can still be selfish and manipulative.

You go and visit her, and in a few weeks she wants another visit then what? You keep going and seeing her whilst disrespecting your wife.

Is it worth potentially ruining your marriage to see someone from your past?

ahnotme

We don’t have sufficient information to give sensible advice. What sort of person is/was your ex? Why did you separate? How did you split up? Amicably? Why did you go no contact? Even though your ex-Sister-in-Law doesn’t know what it’s about, you could still ask her for information about your ex. How has she been since your divorce? What sort of person is she now? What is her mood?

Then, about your wife: what is her reason for saying no to you going to see your ex? Is it jealousy/insecurity? Or does she have grounds to fear that the visit will affect you negatively?

You needn’t answer these questions here. Just have a think about them. Perhaps you’ll think of others.

PS I am divorced, we didn’t split amicably and we went no contact, my reason being that I wanted to retain my sanity. But if my ex were dying and expressed a wish to see me one last time, I’d go.

Update - 3 days later

We had the talk again, and we couldn’t come to a mutual agreement. I talked to my ex and she’s still insisting that we talk in person. My wife and I just couldn’t come to an agreement about this. I told her (because she asked me) that I would be ok with her doing this with an ex if she was put in this position.

In any case, I’ll be visiting my ex next week. While I’m disappointed that my wife and I couldn’t come to an agreement about this, I also will be doing what I think is right.

Comments

Many-Bite3535

See you in

NotARavenousBear

Idk. She could apologize for her actions or just want to say goodbye.

The lack of basic human sympathy and dignity in this thread is probably why so many here are unhappy.

Let’s just say the sub is right, and confesses some faded emotions. If OPs marriage can be ruined by a conversation, then is it really a marriage?

This sub, and your wife, are refusing to see your humanity. They’ve reduced you (and your ex) down to a bunch of horn-dogs, who can’t have an adult conversation.

It’s really sad that the top comments are accusing a dying woman of having some secret plan.

When the most logical reason is she just wants to get, or offer some form of closure.

OP your wife is treating you as less than, based of of fear. Choices made out of fear only ruin marriages, in my opinion.

Marriage is a UNION not a dictatorship.

OOP: Words of wisdom, and I agree completely.

AngelFire_3_14156

I don't understand why it's so important for you to travel to see your ex. I'm sorry she's dying but she's an ex and you have no obligation to her whatsoever

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

Mood spoiler - mildly infuriating

1 update - Medium

- 22nd April 2024

- 25th May 2024

AITAH For telling my husband that his affair child is not welcome in our home and if he wants custody he will have to move out?

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. In 2021, we found out my husband was being sued for child support.

Turns out my husband had an affair shortly after we were married. It nearly ended our marriage, but we went to counseling together and I agreed to stay in the marriage with the following provisions:

My husband was to get a second job so that his child support payments did not affect our household budget and that at no point in time would I ever consider having a relationship with this child. If he wanted to pursue one with them, fine. But I have absolutely zero interest in this kid.

So my husband has been getting to know his kid over the past couple years and recently my husband came to me and informed me that there was some sort of baby mamma drama. Apparently, she has to self-surrender in May and is going to be incarcerated for 8 months.

My husband told me that he needed to take custody while his affair partner is locked up, otherwise the kid would have to go to their grandparents who basically live on the opposite coast from us. Their kid doesn't want to have to change schools or be so far away from their friends, dad and mom (she will be doing her time fairly local to us).

So, after my husband told me that, I got up and left the house. I went to the grocery store on the corner and grabbed a copy of our area's apartment guide went back home and handed it to him.

He asked if I were serious. I told him I still felt the same way as I did 3 years ago. He said he didn't think that was fair considering the extenuating circumstances.

I told him I don't care about the circumstances. His kid is not welcome in my home, if he wanted to take custody I will grant him an amicable divorce, but I am not changing my mind. I am not taking care of some other chick's kid.'

EDIT - For all the people concerned about what a whip cracker I am in making my poor husband work 2 jobs... He has never had a fulltime job since we have been together. He works 2 part time retail jobs now that add up to 40-50 hours a week.

He currently only has supervised visitation with his kid. The see each other once or twice a month for a couple hours with a social worker present.

And for those who seem to think that I need to be the one to file for divorce. No. I will not. I am not the one who created this situation. If my husband wants to pursue custody, I have told him I will not fight it. I will grant him an amicable divorce and let him be on his way.

However, I am not going to waste my own time, energy, and money to do so! He is responsible for getting his own ducks in a row for the situation he created. That includes being the one to go through the headache of filing.

Comments

Major-Distance4270

This marriage should have ended years ago.

VerbalGuinea

The counselor is too good at his job.

donalddick123

You ever get in a cab and they take you the longest way because they get paid more the farther they go?

ms_eleventy

The child will always be there. Seems like you should cut your losses and move on from this relationship. Sad but you will probably but happier in the long-run.

shyladev

What’s your reasoning for staying with your husband at this point though?

OOP: Love and companionship. The affair and my boundaires about his affair child aside, we actually really do love each other.

ZiaMituna

OP did not mention if they have kids but it doesn’t sound like they do. If she asked her husband to get a second job to support his affair child, he won’t have any time or energy to spend any quality time with her (and their kids). Then why keep a husband like that around? The child will be a hard wedge between the two forever. OP, divorce his ass and move on with your life.

OOP: My husband was not working full time hours when I requested he take on a second job.

He now has 2 part time jobs that equal to full time hours. I work full time and generally more hours than him per week.

Our time together has not been diminished by his working 2 jobs. His online gaming time was the only casualty there.

karlmarx961

Imma keep asking cause whether your the AH doesn't matter at this point. Why do you refuse to initiate divorce? Why does he, in specific, have to do that?

OOP: Because I am not going to solve another one of the problems he created.

He knows my boundaries and requirements for him to stay here. He either agrees with them or he doesn't.

If he doesn't he is the one who is responsible for getting all his ducks in a row.

I won't fight the issue, I won't make things difficult for him.

But the fuck if I am going out of my way, and spending my time and energy to make it easy for him.

Update - 1 month later

After posting, my husband and I continued to discuss the situation. I held firm and iterated again I will not live with a child and if my husband wants to pursue this, he will have to find other housing

We discussed divorce. We discussed temporarily separating. We discussed a lot. We sat down and had a pretty big financial talk (he is not involved in our financial planning) I showed him the numbers he realistically had to work with.

I told my husband the truth, that while I love him, I won't lose sleep if we divorce. He has to do what's right for his own happiness and his kid.

My husband had a bit of a breakdown over that. There was a lot of crying and him telling me that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I broke down myself. We had a real good cry together. He asked if we could go back to our marriage counselor.

So, I made an appointment. We went. We discussed the same things above but with a counselor present.

It basically boils down to my husband being very overwhelmed and conflicted about everything. He confessed he didn't really want to be an active parent but feels like he is supposed to (there's some deep stuff in there about his own family and race tied into that. So complicated emotions). He is terrified of losing me. He wants to prioritize our marriage. Hearing me say that I wouldn't lose sleep over divorcing left him shook.

Our counselor strongly suggested that my husband get into individual therapy and gave some referrals. My husband has not pursued that.

It did become pretty obvious to my husband that he was not in a place mentally or financially where he could take full custody though. So the kid is now in Virginia with maternal grandparents.

My husband was actually going to go and visit the kid for their birthday this weekend. I gifted my husband some of my airline miles to buy his plane ticket. I did his laundry last night while he was at work so he'd have clean stuff to pack.

However, my husband dropped the ball on his trip. I had a plans for this afternoon that I left early for so I wasn't home when he was supposed to get up and leave. He stayed up late playing video games last night and overslept. Ended up missing his flight and couldn't afford last minute tickets on another. He's in a pissy mood and is playing elder scrolls now trying to get his mind off of it.

I've got my sister and some friends coming over in a few for a salsa canning party in a bit so I'm hoping he gets into a good grove with his game because I am going to have so much margarita.

Comments

angrymom284710394855

OP. Wisdom is chasing after you, but you’re clearly way too fast.

CanofBeans9

I'm going to save this saying in my memory for later use

RaymondBeaumont

he cheated on you

he has never had a full time job

he can't adult

why are you married to him, again?

MonteBurns

Her reasoning in the original post is so pathetic.

Common_Vagrant

Wait what was her reasoning? She said she loved him but is that her reason?

Sunset-Papi

She said she wouldn't file because she wasn't the one who created the mess

EQ4AllOfUs

You did his laundry and gifted him air miles. He stayed up late playing video games and missed his flight. He’s upset so he’s playing a video game to take his mind off of the situation. I think he derailed his trip on purpose.

NoeTellusom

Right? This guy is an adulterous loser. Why the hell she's sticking around is literally beyond all sense.

PrideofCapetown

”He confessed he didn't really want to be an active parent”

Perhaps he should have thought about that before shoving his peepee into someone who isn’t his wife? Honestly, what does OP see in this manbaby?

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments