**What happened to people who ask reddit for advice or help?** Did they take Reddit's advice? How did it turn out? Read the best updates by redditors and find out what happened after their original post. Join our discord server: https://discord.gg/Hx2hym2juy
I am not The OOP, OOP is
Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marraige because I learned my wife cheated on my while we were dating?
Originally posted to
Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING:
Jan 8, 2024
My wife (44F) and I (43M) have been married 20 years. We started dating in high school when I was a junior and she was a senior. We were long distance for her first two years of college while I was in high school and did one year at community college, then we went to college in the same city for a year, and have lived together since. We got married the summer after I graduated college. Our marraige has been pretty great so far, but I initated a divorce after I discovered that she was sleeping with multiple other men for the 2 years we were long distance.
Just after Christmas, we got together with a few friends of hers from college to catch up, have dinner, and hang out. We talked about a lot of stuff and my wife mentioned that we met in high school (not that we dated, just that we met). Her old college room commented that it was crazy that we met in high school, had a few wild years in college, then ended up together. I played along and commented that I didn't know if my wife was as crazy as I was. The roomate started to tell a story, but my wife cut her off and said she was uncomfortable about it. I sensed something was up, so I said that we actually started dating in high school and were together for my wife's entire time at college. All of my wives friends got real quiet and the rest of the dinner was awkward. On the way out, one of her other roomates took me aside and said I should have "an honest conversation" about what happened at college.
I asked my wife on the way home and she kind of blew me off. I told her it was important that she was honest with me and again she said it wasn't important. When we got home, I told her I was going to stay at my brother's house until she was ready to talk about what happened in college. The next day she came over and admitted to sleepting with "several" men during her first two years at college. She said she didn't consider it a big deal at the time because we were long distance and she didn't think a high school romance would last. I pressed for more details and she said it was at least 10 different men including at least 3 guys she introduced to me as friends when I came to visit on weekends and 1 guy she was still in contact with. I told her that I wanted a divorce and would be starting the paperwork as soon as I could (which I did on January 2nd).
Her family and most of my family is telling me I shouldn't throw away my marriage over a few mistakes. I've stood by my belief that cheating on me with multiple men for years is unacceptable no matter when it happened and the fact that she continued to maintain relationships with these guys right in front of me was an unacceptable amount of disrespect. We have two children, but they are 17 and 19 and I believe they will understand why I need to end the marraige. Am I wrong for leaving? I feel like I'm going crazy with the amount of people telling me to over look years of infidelty and decades of lies.
EDIT: Holy shit I'm glad I did this with a throwaway because the response here is unexpected.
I obviously can't answer every question/comment, but I wanted to provide some detail for common questions.
- The reason I posted this is that my wife and a few friends have been saying it's common to sleep with other folks when you're in an long distance relationship and that I'm kind of the odd one out for not sleeping around. I felt like I was being gaslit, but I wanted an outside perspective. We live in a state with a waiting period to finalize a divorce, so I felt it was a reasonable idea to get some insight before things are finalized. After these comments, I see a handful of folks saying it's normal to sleep around during a long distance relationship, but it seems to be a significant minority.
- We saw each other a couple of weekends a month during the two year college period. I lived about 3 hours away from her college, so it was long distance but not like cross country. This was not a situation where we went months without seeing each other.
- The 3 guys I met while she was in college were meetups that happened during parties. The subject of me being a boyfriend didn't really come up, so I honestly don't know if these guys knew anything.
- The one guy we're still in contact with married a mutual friend from college. This is not some guy she secretly messages on the side, it's somebody we've talked to regularly for years. I've talked to him a few times since I've learned about my wife. He's said he didn't know we were dating at the time and has since blocked my wife on social media.
- Some folks have asked how the roomates didn't realize at our wedding that the timelines didn't work out. The main reason is that my wife and I had a very small ceremony with just close family in Texas, then went back to the East Coast to have a big party with friends. The typical reception/sharing details about how we met stuff didn't really happen, so her roomates didn't realize we started dating before college. It sounds like they thought we only dated for the year we were both in the same city, then moved in together.
- I was open to therapy or some kind of attempt to save the marraige, but her insistence that this whole thing is common and I'm the one who's out of line is just too much for me. The only time she showed any remorse or even offerred to reconsile is when I started filing paper work. In the last week she's gone back to saying she's right and I'm overreacting. This is also why I feeling like I'm being gaslit. It seems obvious that this is a major issue, but I've got my wife and others telling me it's normal and I'm overreacting.
- I'm not getting a paternity test unless my kids want to get one. I don't have any doubts that they are biologically mine, and no test will make them not my kids. I love them more than anything in the world and my wife's infidelity won't change that even if one or both of them is not biologically mine. They've been my kids for 19 years and they will be my kids until I stop breathing.
FINAL EDIT: Hey all, I've been reading a bunch of the responses, but things are getting crazy and increasingly unhinged, so I probably won't be checking in more. Here are few more answers to common questions I've seen.
- We were definitely exclusively dating at the time. First, dating culture was a lot different 20ish years ago and exclusive was kind of the default for most people. Second, we had a long and difficult discussion before she left for college about continuing the relationship long distance. She specifically wanted to stay together and even joked about her dad coming after me if I started sleeping around with girls at my school. Finally, at my senior prom, she was not able to attend and was very upset when I proposed going with a platonnic female friend of mine. As a result I ended up skipping my prom and hanging out with her instead. While we never said the word exclusive, I think the above reasons, combined with the general relationship before she left, are enough to assume exclusivity.
- Based on some comments here, I followed up with the friend that said I should have an honest conversation. She told me that "10 guys would be on the low end" and that her biggest concern was that there was apparently at least one pregnancy scare that I didn't know about. I honestly don't think that really changes much. It's less about the number for me and more about the fact that she seems incapable of recognizing why this was wrong or why I feel betrayed.
Thank you all for the helpful responses, even those that disagree with me. I will still be open to therapy if she's willing, but I honestly feel like it would be more about us being successful coparents and finding closure than saving our marraige.
RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO
On if the wife is willing to work to repair the marriage
It would change a lot if I felt that she wanted to fix this. Throughout our conversation about it, she repeatedly dismissed my feelings and told me I was overreacting to "totally normal behavior". She didn't show any regret or consideration for how it hurt me until she realized I was serious about divorce, then she got defensive and angry. She didn't offer to fix things in any way until I started the paper work and notified her that I had a lawyer.
I think we can navigate being parents. Our kids are older and I've been putting away money for college/post high school for a long time, so a lot of the custody and monetary issues that come up shouldn't be a big problem. We're also both financially stable and make good money.
On the timing of everything
I've hired a lawyer, he drafted an intent to seperate, and sent her a copy certified mail. As far as I know, that's not any legal divorce paper with the state, but rather a part of the process to ensure that she as an opportunity to hire her own lawyer if she wants to contest it.
Actually going through the divorce will likely take months.
I'm not really moved out. I've been crashing at my brother's place while I make arrangements for a more permentant living scenario.
As far as timing goes, the dinner happend on the 26th. I went to my brother's house that night to cool off and give her a chance to think about things. We talked several times over the course of 4-5 days and she made it clear that she didnt' believe she didn't anything wrong. If there was any kind of remorse/regret/basic consideration of my feelings on her part, I probably would have waited. However, she didn't so I found a divorce lawyer and he had boilerplate intent to seperate agreements that we filled out and sent over the same day.
Even now, we're obviously not legally divorced and I don't even know if there is a legal concept of seperation in my state, but I've made it clear this is happening and started the process.
Feb 5, 2024
I wanted to provide some updates here as my original post got a lot of traction.
TL;DR version: My wife and I are seeing a couples counselor and have been to 3 sessions now. Based on what my original post outlined, and what we've talked about in counseling, I'm still moving forward with the divorce. I believe that counseling was the right move, and I appreciate folks for recommending it. I don't think it's going to save our marraige, but it has helped me communicate my feelings, helped my wife understand where I'm coming from, and most importantly helped us be in a position to work together as co-parents.
First, let's talk about the things I learned about the situation in college. After talking to my wife in sessions and texting with two of her roomates, it's clear that her roomates knew something was up in college. They said they though the situation was weird and likely involved cheating. My wife had told them that we both had some wild times in college and worked it out before we got married, so they never really brought it up. The roommate who pulled me aside recently was uncomfortable with the fact that my wife clearly didn't talk it through with me, and wanted me to know.
As far as being introduced to guys she slept with, apparently that was not intended. For one of the guys, he ended up dating and then marrying one of our mutual friends from college. This is the guy she was in contact with. In the other situations, she initially blamed me in the counseling session, but has now agreed it was bad. When I went to visit her, she planned to hang out in the room or just hang out together alone, but I wanted to go to a few parties because in HS and community college, I didn't really have parties to go to. She didn't expect me to meet the guys, but they were at the parties and she felt she didn't really have a choice. I still think this is kind of shitty, but it's not as bad as her intentionally parading me infront of the guys.
Most of our discussion in therapy has been talking about why I think it's a big deal and she doesn't. She initially said that none of these guys were in relationships with her and it was mostly one night stands or FWB. Since she didn't view them as romantic relationships, she didn't see the big deal (her words not mine). My opinion is that we never said that was ok and she actively prevented me from doing the same. After digging into this across two sessions, and my wife talking to some friends, she now agrees that it was a breach of our trust/relationship. This is the shared understanding that has helped us talk about this situation more honestly and helped us get from arguing to talking (which is why I'm optimistic about co-parenting).
Now, here's why I'm 100% set on divorce. Two things came up that make me want to leave the marraige. First, about 10 years ago we went through a really rough patch and had a dead bedroom for about 2 years. She had expressed that our sex life was becoming boring, so I tried to spice things up (nothing crazy, just roleplay and like spencers gift level sex toys). Apparently, she had been hung up some sexual experiences that happened in college (that she is not comfortable talking about) and wanted me to try them, but when I did it made her feel awkward and guilty that it made her think of other men while she was with me. The fact that she's saying these experiences were meaningless, but they're still impacting our marraige tells me they meant more than she wants to say. Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. That was the absolute dealbreaker for me.
We have told our children that we're getting a divorce. We told them it was due to some bad decisions that we made in college that we're having trouble moving past. My 19 year old (who is in college) asked me if I cheated on my wife while she was away at college. My wife got a little shaken up, but admitted to the kids that she's the one who cheated. We have agreed to not share any additional details with the kids. I reenforced that both us will be there for the kids and that we are in therapy to help make sure we handle this in the best way for the family. I also told the kids that if they wanted to talk to either of us or a therapist about it, that I would fully support it.
We've started talking to a mediator about how to proceed with the divorce, and unless things change, we should be able to have an amicable divorce. We're both financially stable on our own, we have no major debts, and our kids are older, so custody isn't a major issue. This has been a shitty couple of months for me, but I'm doing ok now and I honestly am grateful that my last post blew up because it both validated some of my feelings, but also motivated me to go to counseling with my wife.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Historical-Pie-5052
Sorry OP but this is for the best. She's been keeping you in the dark for over twenty years.
"She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers."
If you believe this then I gotta bridge on Mars to sell you. Dead bedrooms for young couples usually mean someone is getting somewhere else.
OOP
I don't really believe it, but I also don't think it's worth it to dig into it more. I'm going to get an STD panel done to make sure I'm safe and I really don't need to know anymore.
If it was just a date, we're getting divorced. If it was more, we're still getting a divorce, so pushing the issue won't do anything but make it harder for us to co-parent. I'm also reasonably sure that she was cheating during our dead bedroom situation, we were having sex like once every 2-3 months and we usually have sex 2-3 times a week. Again, I have enough to know it's time to move on and I digging more into it will only make the divorce harder.
~
Know_1_7777777
Has she even apologized for everything she put you through? Especially the part where she went on a date with some asshole?
OOP
Before our counseling and at the first appointment, she was not apologetic. In the second appointment, the focus was for me to explain the effect it had on me. She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session. It's too little too late, but she's not some kind of emotionless monster.
~
mofugly13
I'm super curious to know what kind of sexual things she was hung up on from her past but that she felt uncomfortable doing with you?
That alone seems very red flaggy.
OOP
I didn't really want to dig into it too much. Right before the dead bedroom stuff started, she was asking to experiment with new stuff in the bedroom. It was mostly BDSM kind of stuff that was a little more intense than I was comfortable with. At the time, Fifty shades was popular and she got into some other smutty kind of reading. I attributed the change in sex to that, but my guess is that some of the guys she was with in college were into BDSM stuff. Maybe it was a combination of the two.
She hasn't admitted to cheating during that time, but I'd be willing to bet the dead bedroom at home was because she found another person to do kinky shit with.
When asked about why the daughter thought he cheated
To be fair, my 19 year old daughter had some issues with shitty boyfriends who have either cheated or dumped her suddenly to be with somebody else. I'm also the one who left the house. Given her experience with men and the fact that I'm the one who left the house, it make sense that would be her first thought.
When cheating came up, my wife made it clear that she was the one who cheated.
TBH, I'm not really too concerned about the narrative here. From what I can tell, she hasn't said anything bad about me to our kids. In addition, given her admission of recent flirting/cheating and the fact that she's ready to file a joint, amicable divorce after 6 weeks and 3 counseling sessions, I think she was ready to move on before I was. It makes the logistics of the divorce easier, but it hurts a bit to realize she's having an easier time walking away from a 20 year marraige than I am.
OOP when told not to be surprised if she starts dating again
I'm pretty sure that she's already looking. We've had one meeting with an equitable divorce mediator and she specifically stated that we are married until the divorce is final and any adultery that happens before that date could jeopardize the amicable divorce settlement. It seems kind of dumb to me since we're getting divorced due to infidelity, but my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up. I also imagine that the fact that I'm living in the guest room isn't helping her prospects.
At the end of the day, I'm doing my best to try to accept that our marraige is over and I've been going to therapy on my own (in addition to our couples therapy) to help deal with it. I'm mentally prepared for the fact that there's a good chance I see the coworker she "only dated" again, but I'm also hopeful that I can find a place and be ready to move out before the divorce is finalized. If everything goes well and we can create a plan with the mediator, we will be divorced by summer, I will be in my own place, and she can "just date" which ever coworkers she wants.
NEW UPDATE
May 21, 2024 Hey all, this is likely the final update on this account as things have mostly resolved.
My wife and I have completed our divorce and everything is official. We had an uncontested, amicable divorce with minimal disagreements. Our lawyers worked together to create the plan through mediation and a judge signed off on it a few weeks ago. In the end, the actual divorce process was pretty straight forward. The only complication was that our 17 year old was adamant about my having custody because their relationship with my ex-wife has really fallen apart as a result of this. Initially my wife dug in her heals and was ready to give up on the uncontested marraige, but my son pretty much told her she could choose between letting him have a break for a few months to process and rebuild, or force him to live with her until he turns 18 and risk never seeing him again. I felt this was a bit harsh, but my wife backed down and we moved foward with my having primary physical custody until my son's birthday later this yer. For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him. Fortunately, as the divorce moved forward he has been spending more time with my ex and I'm optimistic they will work through this.
In the end, we pretty much split our retirement and investments 50/50. For our house, my wife really liked the house and I didn't, so she kept the house and most of the furnishings and took out a mortgage to pay me back half of the equity and half of the estimated replacement value of the furniture. Pretty much all of our other stuff was either easy to split (my car and her car, my music gear and her hobbies, clothing, personal effects, etc) or we just agreed to sell it and split the resulting profit. Things were a bit easier for us because we had already documented most of our valuable items and electronics for an insurance rider we added to our home insurance a few years ago.
Things have been going well for me personally. Both of the kids spend most of their time at my place and we are still very close, which was my biggest fear in the divorce. I have a new house that I really love and I gave into the mid-life crisis urge and traded in my outdated minivan for a Lexus LC550. I even had a woman at work (not a close coworker) invite me out to a coffee date. While I was up front with her that I'm not ready to date just yet, she said she would be happy to take a rain check and would be happy to go out with me when I'm ready. I'm honestly thrilled because she's really smart, has a great sense of humor, and our positions at work are far enough apart that we don't really work directly with each other at all.
My ex and I are continuing to go through couples counseling together. We have transitioned into having closure on our marraige and making sure we maintain our relationship enough to be effective coparents. While these sessions have been great to help me process things and keep things as healthy/positive as possible given the circumstances, it has also reenforced that divorce was the right option. It's clear from some answers in the sessions that my wife immediately started dating once the divorce process started, so whatever love was there was clearly on the way out already. I'm pretty sure the coworker she was "just friends" with dropped her off at our recent session. The fact that it doesn't even really make me mad is a good sign that I was also probably done with the marraige.
In the end, it will take a long time for me to heal from the betrayal, but I feel like I'm making good progress and I can honestly say that the divorce was unquestionably the right decision. I've probably cried more in the last 4 months than I have in the last 20 years, but for the last month or so I fell genuinely good about myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying having my own life, been busy getting my 17 year old ready for college in the fall and looking forward to a coffee date with a smart, funny woman in a month or two.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7