I never thought I’d be in this situation, ever. My (22F) ex boyfriend, (22M) Chris and I had the perfect relationship, or at least that’s how I felt at the time. We were together for five years. He was my best friend, then high school sweetheart, planning for both proposal and marriage in the coming year or next. We had our issues, but we always communicated through them — at our worst we’d cry, but we never ever yelled or insulted each other. We cared deeply for each other, investing real time and energy into getting to know each other’s cultures, with me studying and becoming fluent in a second language. Essentially, I thought he was my endgame.
We were semi-long distance, as he lived a couple hours from where I go to school. Typically, we got one weekend together per month, but we were spending time together for winter break. Sometime near the end, he started acting off. He has a very high libido, but he wasn’t interested in having sex. That’s fine, it’s just unlike him. Then, he let me know that he felt like we were hitting a rut, that he felt we were losing our excitement — no problem, it happens in every relationship. So, we make a plan to go on more dates when he’s in town, play more couples videogames together, FaceTime more.
Then, he goes back to school. He keeps up with our plan, but is busy with athletics most nights. He asked me if it would be okay if he gets coffee with his female friend, Francesca. Sure! I asked if I could see her Instagram. He sends me a picture. She’s totally his type. I tell him hey, do whatever you want, but you’re in a vulnerable spot right now and spending time with someone who is your type might make you stray from the relationship. He agrees that what I was saying made sense, and decides not to hang out with her.
A few days later, I realized I was feeling neglected. I occasionally developed little crushes on friends or celebrities. Our rule in our relationship is that crushes and attraction are totally normal, but the crush in question shouldn’t have any idea that you feel that way, i.e. no flirting, no confessing, no cultivating closeness with these crushes, stepping away from them until it fades.
This time, my crush was Shayne Topp (sorry Courtney, you get it though) and after talking it through with my therapist, I realized I developed these crushes because I was feeling neglected in my own relationship and they highlighted a need for attention that I wasn’t getting from Chris. So, in our communicative nature, I told Chris.
He broke up with me.
On the basis of, you’re right, I have been neglecting you, we should break up.
I was mind blown. This was so extremely out of left field. I put my phone down and spent the evening crying in my friend’s arms, saying something like, “this happens to other people! but it’s not supposed to happen to me!” (silly).
I came back to my room at 3am, and he agreed to a phone call. In the phone call, he told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. That he thinks I’m a good person, but that he doesn’t see a future with me. He said he wanted biological kids. He said he doesn’t see the beauty in me anymore. He said he wanted to feel closeness and love again, but not with me. He told me he didn’t even have the DESIRE to like me again. That when he thinks of a wife, he doesn’t think of me. He admitted that he did have feelings for Francesca and they’re only getting stronger. I said I understood, and that I’d like to see his messages with her, he agreed. He had been flirting with her for over a month, planning dates with her, including the coffee date he told me he’d cancel. I said, “So, you realize you cheated, right?”
He said, “it’s weird. I dont really feel bad.”
I hung up on him.
I realized in the coming days that he had been displaying manic symptoms. My sister, mom, multiple friends, and myself are all bipolar, so I’m familiar with what it looks like. We agreed to keep trying until his mania passes.
Well, that didn’t work. He just couldn’t wait. He broke up with me four more times, the last time being in person a few days before my birthday (he was the only one I had any plans with, so that sucked). His pupils were huge. His demeanor was monotone. He truly wasn’t even in there. No matter what I said, he wouldn’t budge. I offered to put it all behind us, give him biological children, take a break. No. He said this is what I want. I said okay. He left.
I booked a solo trip to Japan. Somewhere we had always wanted to go, but he never had the drive to make happen, so I booked it. He bounced in and out of my life thereafter. Wanting to work on it, then blocking me for a few days. I have abandonment issues, so this was hard for me. We talk again as friends, then he blocks me.
I’m starting to date casually again to distract myself and am having some connections. Finally, I have a good one. Chris unblocks me and asks to meet up, that he wants to work on things. I tell him that I could’ve forgiven him for what he did when he was manic, but not for the way that, after all of that, he only considers his needs. I go no contact.
It’s been two months since we went no contact, four months since the breakup. Since going no contact, Chris has been posting a countdown on his Twitter to the end of the year. He’s been posting cryptic and ambiguous tweets about suicide, about loving me so much that I’ve infected him like a disease. His Spotify has three twelve hour playlists just dedicated to me, that he frequently changes the titles of to send messages, like “please reach out,” and “I hope you’re well.”
Chris has a stalking problem. I didn’t know this when we were together. Before we were dating, he used to show up to places my ex and I were, but I thought it was a coincidence until recently when he admitted it wasn’t. He had been following us. After the breakup, he admitted that he had been tracking my location, and planned on showing up to bars or houses I was at. “To make sure I was safe.” I didn’t know he was like this.
I posted a picture yesterday of some produce I gardened, and in the corner of the picture, you can see a hand. That’s it. A hand.
Chris flies off the handle, tweeting ambiguous things like “wow” then retweeting four or five love poems. Then posting, “you really don't give yourself enough credit. i would try to explain how amazing you are but i know you'd never believe me. being humble is just another thing that makes you so genuine and admirable.”
What the fuck. Before we started dating he was like this to his exes, but that was six years ago. I thought he had matured…
He lives one mile away from me. We’re both home for the summer. I don’t think he’d hurt me, but I do think he’d follow me if I blocked him on social media.
You’re going to hate me. But I was his only friend. His birthday is coming up, and I’m tempted to wish him a happy birthday. I would feel horrible if no one did. I know that’s stupid. I won’t do it.
I’m tempted to reach out to give him closure, ask him to stop, whatever. But I’m not sure if that will just make things worse. I was with this man for five years.
Part of me feels bad because I know this ended because of mania. Part of me feels like this side of him never would’ve come out if we didn’t break up. That a good girlfriend would’ve waited this out rather than finding someone new.
I don’t know what to do.
Edit: going to try to stay off of here for the night. constructive criticism is one thing, but insinuating that I’m just as much of a stalker as the person who followed me in person to different places and is posting suicide threats and love poems about me 2 months after no contact… just because I check his twitter and Spotify to MONITOR the escalating severity of these threats? Saying “poor guy” and that I lead him on? Mind blowing… I’ll just wait on Morgan’s advice. I know I have behaviors I need to change, but calling me just as much of a stalker and cruel for “leading him on” is the furthest thing from any advice or constructive criticism I could’ve hoped for. Reddit is a wild place, even in communities I expected otherwise from!
Edit 2: hi Morgan if youre reading this. If you decide to read this on the pod, would you mind not clipping it for reels or tiktok? he wouldn’t see it on the pod, but he would probably see it on reels or tiktok and probably know it’s me.