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Ok where do I even start this? I, 35F (currently) moved to my current state in 2015. I had a family member or two in the state but by 2017, I was completely alone except my partner and some bar friends. Shortly after my (currently 45M) partner and I bought a home, a fair weather friend introduced me to my self proclaimed bestie (late 20's currently). She wasn't around much in the beginning but once my partner and brought home our foster (later adopted) kiddo in 2019, she began to come around a lot.

She was a saving grace. I had no family in the state and my partners family was a few hours away. She acted as my village, giving my partner and I time to clean, and go on date nights. She acted as my sister often coming by to have coffee while I cleaned, inviting us to her family shindigs, and such. She took my kiddo for a night about once a month, maybe twice.

She wasn't really my other friends' cup of tea. They noticed how transactional she was, how judgemental, sarcastic, and at times down right mean. She was the type of girl to make her boyfriend who stayed with her on the weekends pay half her rent because well, as she put it, her body isn't free, nor her soap, the meals she cooked, or the internet he used.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt almost exclusively because I knew she grew up hard. She immigrated here as a child, her mother was bipolar, her stepfather beat her, and eventually her and her siblings ended up in fostercare. When she aged out she became their legal guardian as well. Everything she had was fought for.

Having said all that, over the years, she slowly started casually mentioning her parents. It was confusing. Suddenly, they were just there, a part of her life and somehow, mine. She would offer to take my kiddo for the day so I could catch up on cleaning and have me pick her up from her mom's. She was the type to neither ask for permission nor for forgiveness. She did whatever she wanted and that was that.

My partner and I grew weary and made some attempts to talk to her but we usually got no where fast. We agreed that if my friend had our daughter in her care and was responsible she wouldn't let anything happen to her. We began to set more firm boundaries though like making sure our kiddo was home before dinner, staying in contact, getting pictures. We had already begun saying no to overnights more often.

The last time she had her, she insisted that she would pick my kiddo up for a night over since it had been a while. I reiterated the rules as much as I could- bed at 8 and home no later than 6PM the next day. She agreed. I was nervous though. I checked in with her constantly.

At 4ish, they were having a late "lunch," which is the last I heard from them. Apparently, afterwards my kiddo insisted that she was promised a trip to a local arcade/playplace - think Chucky Cheese but like a miniature thrill park by my friend's mother. So, when I called at 6, she told me that her mother felt bad and insisted on taking her there. It was supposed to happen much earlier in the day, so by 6PM, my friend had her own week to prepared for and didnt want to go.

I was confused and clarified that she let her mother and stepfather take my kid (4.5 yr old at the time) alone to a mini amusement park at 6PM on a Sunday night. I demanded that my kid be brought home immediately.

Apparently, they had brought her to my house because Kiddo fell asleep in the car on the way there and when they tried to bring her in the house she was throwing a fit. I was in the another part of the house on the phone with my friend and my partner met them at the door. There was a huge language barrier involved and somehow through the confusion and all the alligator tears, they took my daughter leaving my partner thinking they had permission.

Finally they brought her home at 8:30PM and we could breathe again. I took a few days to really sit with it. Finally I messaged her so that I would be clear. I told her that it was unacceptable, unforgivable that she allowed two people who were deemed unfit to be parents to take my child to take to such an amusement park like that when I gave HER my child to care for. I couldn't be sure that her parents knew our full names, my kids DOB, or that they even had our phone numbers.

Her reply was enough to make me end a 5 year friendship. She said, "I don't know how to keep apologizing for my mom, you know how she is." In that moment, I realized that she doesn't even understand that if anything happened to my child, she would be the one responsible. She was unable to take any responsibility and that was enough for me.

So, AITAH?

For Morgan- about me and my partners age gap. We met when I was 27 and he 37. Normally, that's a bit much but we met through Al-Anon (for family of people with addiction). We had both been through some of the same crazy trauma from failed marriages, addict siblings, to crazy surgeries. We fostered my niece together and then his before adopting. I agree with you constantly about age gaps but with us, it was like we both finally met someone finally on the same level with the same morality and passion. I was blindsided that this was my person but he just is.

Edit: for everyone yelling at me that I "let" my kid around a child abuser. This girl did not live with her parents. I was not aware that he was anywhere near my child. When I was asked to go to her mother's apartment it was always in the context that she was just there to pick up her little sister from a visit with her mother.

I was even told that her mother had gotten that apartment to ensure she got away from this man. Once I knew she was even taking my daughter around her mother for longer than a passing event, I put up boundaries.

It was not until her mother and the step dad showed up that I knew he was present with my child at all.

Posted on another sub as well, but really need the advice:

First thing I want to say is that it’s not about him going by himself it’s about the context of it all. Now there needs to be context:  My bf (let’s call him John) and I have been dating for almost two years. His brother and the gf live in Texas now but often come back to visit. John and I have been planning to visit but we haven’t had a lot of free time as we are both in college and work full time. This last month (mid April) Johns dad offered to pay for his flight if John wanted to book a trip. So he did! 

 John booked a weekend trip to Texas for memorial weekend. Then he texted me. At first I was like okay… a little confused because it was so abrupt. But then I realized I have a long weekend cause of the holiday and it would be perfect! So I said great! I’ll book my flight too. He responded with “I wanted to take a solo trip.” And asked that I don’t come. Now yes this hurt my feelings but I just said okay because I was taught not to invite yourself if you’re clearly not wanted. 

 Well John is staying with his brother and the gf, they’re all having lots of fun, they even invited a coworker to join them for their day out yesterday. This coworker being a girl. So then it became a double date… all while I’m getting texts from the brothers gf and John saying they wish I was there! John said to me last night that he feels really bad because he can’t even remember why he didn’t want me to come. But honestly I feel hurt. I have major feelings of being left out, as I asked to come and was told no, then being told that he wished I was there. 

I kind of don’t really want to talk to him the rest of his trip, I don’t want to hear the updates, and I really don’t want to be told he misses me. I feel like I was uninvited then shown everything I missed out on. Is this valid? Is it okay to be upset about this? What should I do about this? 

Edit: I want to clarify it is the BROTHERS coworker not John’s.

pardon if somebody else has already mentioned this, but it is on my heart to say that perhaps diet coke & all of the sugar free beverages could be doing some serious damage to ethan’s microbiome, especially with the excessive usage over time. there are plenty of studies/science to back up how these drinks can harm to microbiome. no hate please! just looking out for my fav & thought maybe this could be worth looking into. peace & love ❤️

They bleeped it out and never talked about it in the video and it's been eating away at me ever since.

If you're like me, and you listened to this episode not sure if TH is absolutely insane or a complete genius, or perhaps both, you might enjoy this. I fed the entire transcript of the episode to ChatGPT and asked some questions. I also attached the image of the alternative periodic table. Here's the conversation:

ME: I'm going to give you a transcript of an interview and an image, and I want you to tell me, in layman's terms, what this guy is talking about, and if he seems to be as intelligent as he is. I don't know much about chemistry or physics so it's difficult for me to follow him. Explain whether or not his theories make sense, even though they clearly refute our current understanding of our world, and explain in simple terms what these theories mean and whether or not they could possibly hold water. 

CHAT: The document you provided contains a detailed discussion of alternative theories related to planetary formation, the nature of the universe, and the interpretation of physical phenomena. Here’s a summary and explanation based on the key points found in the text:

Summary and Explanation of Theories:

1. **External Pressures in Planetary Formation:**

   - The document posits that planets are formed by external pressures applied from the outside in, rather than the traditional model of internal fission reactions and magnetic fields from iron cores pushing outward. This suggests a universe where creation is driven from space itself, rather than from the planet's core【7:0†source】.

2. **Finite Universe and Wave Interactions:**

   - The universe is described as finite, evidenced by the interaction of longitudinal waves. When waves from a central point expand and meet returning waves from the universe's edge, they create the first geometries, such as hexagons. This is exemplified by the hexagonal storm observed on Saturn【7:0†source】.

3. **Reconstruction of Saturn:**

   - A model of Saturn was built without using gravity, dark matter, or dark energy, demonstrating that the planet's rings and hexagon can be explained by external pressures and wave interactions. This approach challenges the necessity of dark matter and energy in current astrophysical models【7:1†source】【7:2†source】.

4. **Critique of Standard Models:**

   - Dark matter and dark energy are critiqued as primarily theoretical constructs that have not been empirically observed. The text suggests that standard models, including the Michelson-Morley experiment's interpretation, fail to account for an "etheric" component in space, which would change the understanding of light and its behavior【7:2†source】【7:5†source】.

5. **Alternative Periodic Table:**

   - Walter Russell's periodic table is presented as an alternative to Mendeleev’s table, suggesting a dynamic and interconnected view of elements, where hydrogen plays a central role. This table posits relationships between elements that traditional chemistry does not account for, offering a more integrated view of matter and energy【7:3†source】.

6. **Unified Field Theory and Historical Context:**

   - The document references historical figures like Giordano Bruno and early scientists who proposed concepts similar to those being discussed. It argues for a grand unified field equation that integrates these alternative views, potentially transforming the current scientific paradigm【7:5†source】.

Refutation of Current Understanding:

The document challenges several core aspects of the standard scientific models:

• **Gravity**: Described as an effect of electricity rather than a fundamental force.

• **Dark Matter and Dark Energy**: Considered unnecessary and theoretical constructs without empirical evidence.

• **Standard Model of Particle Physics**: Criticized for its reliance on outdated experiments and interpretations that ignore etheric or external pressures.

Conclusion:

The theories presented propose a shift from an internal to an external causation model of planetary and universal formation, emphasizing the role of external pressures and wave interactions. This alternative perspective challenges the necessity of dark matter, dark energy, and the traditional understanding of gravity and electromagnetic fields, suggesting a more interconnected and dynamic universe.

This document presents a radical departure from established scientific theories, advocating for a reevaluation of fundamental principles in physics and cosmology. The proposed models emphasize external influences and interactions over internal mechanisms, potentially offering new avenues for scientific exploration and understanding.

ME: Do you think this guy actually understands what he is presenting here? Is he as intelligent as he sounds?

CHAT: Assessing someone's intelligence and understanding based on a transcript and unconventional theories can be challenging. Here are some key points to consider:

Understanding and Presentation:

1. **Depth of Knowledge**:

   - The individual demonstrates a deep familiarity with both mainstream and alternative scientific concepts, suggesting a solid foundation in physics, chemistry, and cosmology. This indicates a significant level of understanding.

2. **Articulation and Detail**:

   - The detailed explanations and the ability to connect various concepts across different fields suggest that the individual is articulate and has thought extensively about these ideas. The coherent structure of their arguments indicates a high level of intellectual engagement.

Intelligence and Soundness of Theories:

1. **Intelligence**:

   - Intelligence can be demonstrated through the ability to think critically, present complex ideas coherently, and challenge existing paradigms thoughtfully. By these measures, the individual appears to be intelligent, as they are engaging with intricate scientific ideas and proposing alternative explanations.

2. **Soundness of Theories**:

   - **Conventional Science**: The individual's theories diverge significantly from established scientific consensus. This doesn’t inherently negate their intelligence but suggests they are exploring highly speculative or fringe ideas.

   - **Scientific Rigor**: The theories lack empirical evidence and peer-reviewed validation, which are crucial in mainstream science. While creative and potentially thought-provoking, without rigorous testing and acceptance by the scientific community, these ideas remain speculative.

Plausibility:

1. **Challenge to Current Models**:

   - It’s essential for science to question and test existing models. However, any new theory must be backed by strong empirical evidence and undergo peer review. The theories presented do not seem to meet these criteria fully.

2. **Alternative Views**:

   - The history of science includes many cases where unconventional ideas eventually became accepted (e.g., heliocentrism, quantum mechanics). However, these theories were eventually supported by strong empirical evidence and predictive power, which currently seems lacking for the theories presented here.

Conclusion:

• **Understanding**: The individual likely understands what they are presenting and is intelligent, given the depth and articulation of their arguments.

• **Scientific Validity**: The theories, while interesting, do not align with the current scientific consensus and lack the empirical support needed to be considered robust scientific theories.

In summary, the individual appears to be knowledgeable and intelligent, but their theories are speculative and not supported by the empirical evidence required for acceptance in the scientific community. This does not diminish their intellectual capabilities but highlights the need for further evidence and validation.

I've seen a couple of posts asking what people missed in FHJY and what they would have wanted to see, but I want to know your favorite long lasting plot points/bits/themes. I'll go first:

I love that Brennan mentions Adaine's panic disorder every once in a while even though she has it mostly under control now. I also love that Zane is still a character that's involved in stuff even though he was a FY plot point.

EDIT TO ADD TLDR AS PER MULTIPLE REQUESTS:

TLDR: Best friend I grew up with and her husband pressured me to have sex with him, and to have his child so friend and I could do baby stuff together, leading to me ghosting them and their entire family.

Okay, so I've been trying to organize this in my head so I can write it out in a way that makes sense and I think I've got it. This is also my first post, so I'll try to do it in the accepted reddit format I've seen? There's a lot to go through, so please, bear with me, and I apologize in advanced for the length. (I'm super nervous about posting this, can you tell?)

Anyways, I (31f) have a friend (32f) who we'll call Zee, for the purposes of this post. For background, Zee and I have been extremely close since elementary school, to the point we called each other sisters, and our fathers worked together for years before that. Needless to say, I was close with her family as well, and spent a lot of time with both her parents and her siblings, as well as her grandparents. I was always over at their houses, I attended events at their church, and we did a majority of things throughout school together.

In high school, Zee met her now husband, who we'll call Jay. Jay was a couple years ahead of us, and they spent a lot of time together, and soon her entire world revolved around him. Her priorities completely shifted, she changed, and I wasn't sure if it was for the better. I felt a bit off around him, uncomfortable, and voiced my concern at one point, but quickly backed off. I thought perhaps I was just jealous, my antisocial introverted side was popping out, or something equally ridiculous. I wanted Zee to be happy, and I didn't want to lose the friendship, especially for what I thought was a stupid reason, so I made an effort to get to know and be friendly with Jay, though I still kept a little bit of distance.

Fast forward a bit, Zee gets pregnant with Jay's baby our junior year of high school, and marries him right out of high school. I should probably mention, Zee's family is SUPER religious, as that plays a role in all of this. They settle into married life, and have another kid. Around this time, I go through some.... we'll just say rather traumatic shit. My life completely falls apart, and one of the first people I go to, one of the first people I tell, is Zee. I stay with her and her family for a bit (including Jay) until I get back up on my feet.

Months later, after I'd left, Zee comes to me and asks to talk. Of course, I say yes. (Context, we're 18 and 19 now) She tells me she'd talked to her husband, and they both wanted to help me learn to trust men again (this throws me off, because I'd told her in confidence, and she was one of only maybe three people total I had told) and she thinks her husband would be the best for that job, as I knew him and trusted him. I didn't, really, but I couldn't tell her that. When I asked Zee what she meant, she said she thought I should have sex with Jay so I could learn to trust men again. Mentally, I'm going "what the literal fuck?" but I just ask her if she's serious, and she can't possibly be suggesting I have an affair with her husband. She doubles down, saying she's been so worried about me, and I obviously wasn't doing well. I really wasn't, I was about as low and messed up as it gets, struggling to get through each day and scared of my own shadow. We argued about it for a bit, and she let slip that she was also worried about her husband cheating on her (he'd done it before) and she'd rather know who he was sleeping with.

All of this, on top of all the shit already going on in my head, threw me for a major loop. I'm not proud of it, and I'm sure a lot of you will be horrified, but I eventually caved. I can't even begin to say why, my therapist had a field day with that one when I finally told her a month ago. I instantly regretted it, it made me feel worse than ever, and it has haunted me ever since. She has brought up doing it again a few times since, but I am so glad I can honestly say I immediately turned it down every single time.

Again, fast forward another six (maybe seven?) years, we're in our mid 20's at this point (I'm so sorry I can't remember exact ages) and, after a few hospital visits and years of therapy, I'm doing quite a bit better. Not perfect, but getting into a better place. I hadn't spent as much time with Zee, Jay, or their family as I used to, but I still went to every birthday, every baby shower, etc. Zee has 4 kids at this point, and she wanted to try for a fifth. Apparently, she'd seen some kind of trend online about "pregnancy buddies." Basically women getting pregnant at the same time with babies, and doing all kinds of shit together, like joint baby showers, birth announcements, classes, shopping, etc. Zee thought this was the best thing ever, and, knowing I had talked in the past about wanting kids and a family of my own someday, came to me saying she wanted me to be her pregnancy buddy.

I really didn't want to destroy our friendship, so I tried (somewhat) calmly explaining why that wouldn't be a good idea. I wasn't in a relationship, I wouldn't agree to being knocked up by a random stranger, I wasn't in a place financially or mentally/emotionally to properly support a child, it wouldn't be fair to the kid to bring it into the world when I wasn't ready for it. She insisted everything would work out, and I couldn't wait for everything to be perfect, or I'd never have any kids. Zee said I could get money from the government for any babies I had, and I wouldn't have to get pregnant by a stranger since Jay had already offered. Also, he could be a present, active father in the child's life, or he and Zee would adopt the baby if I didn't want it.

I really tried explaining to her everything wrong with this plan. First, how could she think I'd give up a baby? She more than anyone knew how much I always wanted kids. Second, how the fuck would we explain any of this to either of our families, or all the kids involved? How would her hyper-religious family react to me having my best friend's husband's baby? How would we explain to Jay and Zee's kids, each of whom I'd held the day they were born, and been around their whole lives as auntie? And how would I explain to my hypothetical baby when they were old enough? Third, I would never, ever rely on government funds to raise my child. I couldn't do it, couldn't just provide the bare minimum with no control myself.

So... yeah. She didn't absorb any of that, was so adamant that it would work, and then, mid conversation (via text) with Zee, Jay jumps in, calling me and starting the whole thing all over again. He's super enthusiastic about the idea, won't listen to any of my arguments, even less so than Zee did. They both pushed me to consider it, told me to get back to them, and over the next couple of months they tried again a few times.

After all of that, I had a hard time facing them. I went to less gatherings, I started communicating less, stopped responding to texts asking about the whole pregnancy buddy thing. Then any texts at all. Zee did end up having another baby, and I've never met him, and I haven't seen her and her family in several years. It hurts, I miss her kids, I miss her parents and grandparents. I miss the friendship we had.

Recently, Zee reached out to me again and told me she's been struggling, that she's having a hard time. I won't give details here, as that's not my place, but I felt like an absolute ass not being there for her. I did respond, and talked for a very short time, because I still care for her despite everything. She was my best friend for years. But I haven't spoken to her since, and I feel so incredibly guilty. I spoke to my therapist about it, but she's focused on my mental health, not Zee's, so I feel like it isn't an unbiased opinion. Am I the asshole for ghosting Zee and her entire family? Am I wrong for not being there for her while she struggles, when she was there for me? I'm so stuck in my head with all this that it's driving me insane, and I really need some perspective on this. I feel like maybe I overreacted, or maybe it isn't as big a deal as I think, though to me it all seems so unbelievably crazy. Please help, I would appreciate any honest feedback.

EDIT:

(again a bit long, but I don't know how to do a TLDR for this edit)

Okay wow, I go to sleep and come back to over 400 responses, that's more than a little trippy. I've read through so many of your comments, as much as I could (I want to say most but they keep coming in so I have some catching up to do) So I feel like I should address/clarify/add a couple things.

First, for those who asked for a TLDR: Life long friend asks me to get pregnant at the same time as her with her husband's baby, I cut contact with her entire family. (sorry, I probably should have added that before)

To address some things in the comments:

For those who say it's fake, I wish it was, but you're welcome to believe it is fake, I won't yuck your yum. It would be so much easier if it was and deciding it's fake probably makes it less disturbing. I was under the impression from reading the rules of this subreddit that calling posts fake wasn't allowed? I could be wrong, and honestly it doesn't matter to me one way or another. I kind of expected it.

To respond to a couple posts calling me selfish for not responding to her when she reached out and said she was struggling, like I said in my main post, I did respond, I talked to her for a bit, I just didn't reach out after that initial conversation. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough and that's on me. I'm not sure if me responding to her in the first place was healthy for me, and after reading a lot of the posts here I have my doubts, but what's done is done.

For the commenters who were concerned her reaching out was an attempt to suck me back in, I don't think so but I could be wrong. I didn't add the content of that conversation (which was via text) because, while I'm putting a lot of shit out here, what she said truly isn't mine to post about, and I'm not about to air someone else's private matters that don't directly involve me. I am sorry I can't give more context with that.

Some people have asked about Zee and Jay's education after high school/careers and if they have any. Jay has a job, but I've been out of the loop long enough I don't know what it is/how much it pays, as he switched careers sometime after I started ghosting. Zee finished a trade school and works, I am not sure if it's full time, it wasn't when I was still in contact. They did receive supplemental income for their kids, which led to her suggesting it for me and my hypothetical polyamory baby.

From my reading, there seem to be two opinions on Zee and Jay's behavior. One side saying they think Zee knows very well what she's doing and is a partner to Jay in all this, and the other saying she's basically been beaten down/conditioned to do what Jay wants. I tend to lean more towards the second, but I also don't think it's completely black and white. I do think if she got away from him, she wouldn't do things like this, but at this point I don't know if she ever will get away.

As for people calling me a doormat.... yeah, I know I was. I'm not proud of it, and I'm actively working on changing that aspect of my personality. It's still a work in progress, but I like to think I'm doing better. There are other toxic relationships in my life not relevant to this story that I have slowly worked on backing away from over the years, relationships where my doormat-ish tendencies were a major factor and which contributed to my doormat-ish-ness. Like I've mentioned, I have been in therapy for years now, a minimum of once a week, and my current therapist is great at calling out the behaviors that tend to lead to trouble.

I think I covered everything, but I will keep an eye on this post still. Some of the responses I think were a kick in the pants I needed to get that last foot out of the door of this relationship. So many of you brought up things I didn't really think of before, and I'm more likely than not going to have a nice long talk with my therapist about it. Hopefully it can be healing. I do still miss Zee's kids, and her parents and grandparents, losing them will always hurt I think, but so many of you are right that it isn't worth the continued toxicity to keep those relationships when keeping them means staying around everything else.

Thank you for giving your honest opinions, I asked and I received, way more than I thought I would, honestly.

EDIT 2:

Still reading through everything, and a couple more things came up.

First, I want to clarify I am aware there are successful polyamorous relationships, and I'm cool with that, it's just not for me. I think the biggest problem isn't that it's polyamory, it's that it's something I'm not comfortable doing myself and it's still getting pushed.

A couple of you suggested I tell my parents, I did tell my mom, I will not be telling my dad. There have also been those suggesting I tell her parents.... I wouldn't even know where to begin, and I don't really know what it would accomplish. I don't know if it would be a good thing or just cause even more trouble. It would also be putting myself right back in the middle of all of it, which I don't know if I could handle at this point in time.

EDIT 3:

I almost feel like I should make another post answering all these questions but I wouldn't know how that works so to answer something else commonly brought up...

I don't know exactly what branch of religion Zee's family practices, just that it is a branch of Christianity. Further, I don't think that religion has much if anything to do with what Zee and Jay are pushing for, the reason I added that information is to explain why I don't think her family knows/would agree. I did grow up going to many of their church events at their church, and different functions, and her parents aren't exactly shy about talking about their beliefs, which, cool, no problem, but having been around them pretty much my whole life, I feel I know enough about their beliefs to say they WOULDN'T agree with this. They subscribe to being faithful to your single partner and not straying, things like that. Also the whole no sex before marriage but I don't believe Zee paid attention to that part.