Been married to my wife for over 30 years and we have to grown children including a daughter who has a boy toddler. My daughter was 5 months pregnant with a second boy when a serious complication occurred with him. They had done a risky procedure to save him and she was going to the doctor to an ultrasound to see how he fared from the treatment.
At the same time, my wife and I were scheduled to go with a group of friends on holiday to the islands. So we were in line to go through airport security when my daughter called, crying to to me that the baby died. I told my daughter to hold on and that I'd be right over. My wife was the trip organizer and felt she needed to go, but she tried to convince me to go on the trip anyway saying that there's nothing we can do now anyway. I shook my head and left the line and went to my daughter and her husband's house.
I knew my daughter would need my emotional support but also my logistical support. I could take care of my grandson so her husband could stay at the hospital with her. After I got there, they said my daughter would be coming back home since they need to wait 2 days before being able to kick off the "birth", if you will. I bought tons of groceries, made dinner and watched over my grandson.
My wife then calls and says she can still get me a ticket to come the following Monday (it was Friday). She doesn't ask how our daughter is nor what the situation is. Of course I tell her I can't and her reaction was a flippant "that's up to you, then" response as though I was no coming for a trivial reason. I was pissed off but I didn't say anything.
I spend the next two days with them and then she had to go back to the hospital where there are now as I write this. The baby finally came out, and they held him one last time. They are devastated, I am devastated, and my wife is sending us pictures of beach sunsets on Whatsapp.
My epiphany is that she is a fair-weather wife .. and mother, which is worse. I thought back to the time, almost 20 years ago when she demanded my dying father leave the house where he was staying with us, because she didn't want to deal with it anymore. I still beat myself up to this day that I didn't push back on that. Then when he died, she also went on a scheduled vacation to visit her brother with the kids. I buried him by myself,
And as I sit here and take inventory of our marriage .. I can't think of a single fucking thing she ever did for me unless there was something in it for her. Never a selfless act towards me that I can remember -- and I've made countless ones to her as I imagine many married couples do for each other.
I'm very angry right now, and I'm afraid I'm going to do something rash. But what I *want* to do is to tell her to fuck off once and for all and that I don't want to see her or hear from her again. Ever.
Seeking Advice
I’ll begin this story with gassing up my mom. She is a wonderful kind and caring woman. She single handily took care of my brother and I before my dad reentered the picture when I was 9-10. She is a small business owner and has her demons with spending/not saving for retirement/mental health issues. That being said she is extremely extra. She can be very needy, manipulative, emotional and doesn’t deal even remotely well with confrontation or disagreements.
My first marriage had a constant riff regarding my mom gently acknowledging she needed to live with us when she could no longer work. While I tried to have my moms back, it became increasingly difficult as I felt she was trying to manipulate me to convince my ex that she should live with us in the future. When I left my first wife i felt my mom was very supportive of me and I wondered if it was partially related to the above.
Fast forward to now and I am currently in my second marriage and I live in AZ while mom lives up in WA. My current lady is a fantastic person who I recently had our first kid with in April. My mom has been overbearing to her and pushing boundaries ever since she found out she was pregnant. She was definitely excited about having her first grandbaby but I’m talking daily texts, phone calls. If my wife didn’t respond promptly she would sometimes follow up with “sorry to bug you” or other borderline manipulative messages. It has become painfully obvious to my current wife that she is planning on me as her retirement plan and she is not okay with that. While not said, I can strongly assume she would not let my mom live with us.
I personally would rather not be in this situation but am in the tough position of choosing what to do. I agree with my wife but also feel for my mom. I am curious if anyone has been in a similar situation or beat you would do if you were in this situation.
TL;DR - 60 year old mom has no retirement savings or plan and plans to live with my wife, kid and I. Wife (and to an extent myself) not okay with that.
