I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Reasonable_Wing_4159

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not wanting to have my step kids at my honeymoon

Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Triggers Warnings: manipulation, death of a parent, entitlement, exploitation, verbal and emotional abuse, possibly parental alienation

Original Post May 17, 2024

I ( F,28) have been in a relationship with my fiancé , Tyler (M, 42) for the last 4 years. He has 2 kids from previous marriage (Kids are 8.5 year old boy and 11 year old girl). His wife passed way when his youngest was 1 year old. He met me 3 years later. His kids are wonderful and lovely and we get along great. We live together. I do everything for them since Tyler works long hours. They call me mom but they are aware who their real mom is. We have her pictures in their rooms , and Tyler talks about her to them all the time.

We are planning our wedding. My father offered his condo in Hawaii to us so we can enjoy our honeymoon there. It was a very kind and generous offer. When I told Tyler he was so grateful. Then he said “I bet kids will have a blast”. I looked at him in disbelief and said “kids?! “He said yes! I said that’s our honeymoon! I don’t wanna be a mom on my honeymoon. We can go on plenty of family trips later but this is our honeymoon! He said “I was honest with you from day one! I told you I’m a package deal! You can’t just choose me not my kids”. I told him I understand but can they stay with your mom for one week? Just for our honeymoon. He got very frustrated and said he couldn’t believe how insensitive and selfish I was being. AITAH to expect to have a child free honeymoon?

Added later:

Ok I said I won’t reply because I was emotional. I went for a long bath (I’m off today). I’m better now

1 - I was in to him. I pursued him. I thought he was younger. He told me about his real age, his kids, his late wife from the first moment. He even said he would understand if I say no. I loved him. I loved how honest, kind caring he was.

2 - do I feel loved after giving him bj? Yes I do. He has higher sex drive. So I just give him oral when he wants sex. Yes he kisses me everytime afterwards. He cuddles until we go to sleep. I take care of myself later (mostly during my morning showers). No!! He never pulled his gun at me! He is not a violent man. Lately we have had more quickies mostly because I’m very tired but I don’t like to turn him down.

3 - we don’t have alone time or date nights. True. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t say he loves me or he is not affectionate.

4 - I decided to cancel everything. I don’t think he is ready and we need to a have serious talk. I also need to know if he even can have kids (or he had a vasectomy). Either way we are not ready to be married.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

SweetSerenityxx: RUN! It is one thing to neglect your kids and another to not realize that every environment is not appropriate for children to be involved. You will have further issues down the road regarding this, especially if you ever decide to have children with this man. He won't even hear you out and you should be cautious about being with someone who could automatically cast you as an evil stepparent because you have boundaries.

OOP: He knows I want to have kids eventually. He said he is not ready yet but he will be eventually. I do feel like a villain now because I want a week to ourselves

Cursd818: NTA

What's wrong with him? It is NOT a family vacation. It's a honeymoon. Having a honeymoon does not make you the evil stepmother. It's very concerning that that's where his mind immediately went.

Honestly, this is a red flag. You need to reevaluate. It sounds like you've bent over backwards to fit into this family - which is amazing - but ... are you sure this man wants you? Not just another parent to help him raise his children? The healthiest families have independent bonds with each member, and spend time one on one. Perhaps he's overreacting and he does value you individually as well, but it's not looking good.

OOP: He is a police officer so he has longer hours. I’m a nurse so I can set my own hours. I’m responsible for anything child care related. You are right. I wonder if he really wanted to be with me or he just wanted a mom for his kids? Sigh

Agile-Top7548: As a nurse, you have good income. Where does your money go? Things do not add up here.

You should date and be in a loving romantic relationship and do couple things, travel, etc. Even if you stay, what happens to your marriage once the kids leave, or will they be. Big red flag on the overnight stuff, too. Have you discussed this? No, because you have no say!

He works long hours, but not every day and all day. What if you wanted to go visit a friend for a weekend? What if you could not take off work for a sick day? Since age of 24 you've been doing this? Are you sure he isn't banging others? I'm just saying....

I'm sorry for the kids, but honestly, this sounds like a horrible set up. Thank him for being so obvious about the honeymoon.

OOP: I’m financially independent. I pay half of the rent and expenses of course since I moved in. Rest goes to my savings . I still have student loan to pay back too. I never visited a friend for a week . He did take the kids to see their grandparents ( their mom side ) for a week across the country . If I get sick usually his mom helps with a kid. If she is not available he takes the day off to help with the kids and help me . Once the kids leave ? Gosh I hope I would having my own kids by then…

Update May 17, 2024

My post : https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/eo7skZ6Sqh

Thank you very much for all the private messages and comments. I’m so glad I posted here.

So many of you suspected that he has had vasectomy. Well, I decided to have a serious discussion with him about everything last night. He said he has never cheated on me and he never will. I asked him if he had vasectomy and ffs just tell me. He didn’t even deny it. He said yea but you gotta understand I lost my wife when my youngest was an infant. It was such a traumatic time for me. I wanted to make sure I’ll never go through it again.

I started crying! I asked him how could he lie to me all these years? He didn’t even feel bad! He said “well you never asked! You asked now and I told you! Plus what’s the big deal? I have frozen sperm in the clinic and it’s a reversible procedure”. I was floored! You saw me taking pills yet you didn’t mention? He said “well, I thought you are taking pills because you have heavy period”. I couldn’t believe this man still blames me when he was the one lying in my face! I told him how unhappy I am, how burnt out I am and he uses his work hours so he can dump the responsibilities on me and I don’t even feel loved anymore. I gave him his ring back and told him I was done. He was shocked.

At first he thought I was kidding then he saw me packing my clothes at 11 pm so he started arguing that I should just wait a little longer so by December he will know about his job. After that we will go to a fertility clinic and “you will have your stupid baby”. Then he started guilt tripping me. Saying stuff like his kids have already been traumatized once how could I be so selfish and leave them. I didn’t even bother answering.

I left for my parent’s place. He has been begging and saying he will change, he will be more involved, and asking me to come back (“you are their mom! Come back! We miss you “)🙄. I’m mentally exhausted. I can’t believe I have been so stupid. I’m gonna start finding a place for myself near my work. Thank you.

Relevant Comments

Cursd818: Ah, the love bombing begins. The endless promises to change, how much he and the kids are missing you, how cruel you're being to them by leaving. He's going to do everything he can, say whatever he thinks will work, to bully you into going back. Leaving was the right thing to do, but staying away is going to be much, much harder. Tell your parents and your friends exactly why you've left and don't want to go back, so they can support you in staying away from him. Don't be silent about this or feel ashamed. You deserve much better than this, and I hope you get it.

OOP: That’s exactly what he is doing. My parents think I overreacted and I should give him another chance. My parents love him and his kids. They keep saying what a nice guy he is. I can’t believe they are taking his side 🤦‍♀️ I need to find my own place asap

OOP on her mother’s reaction to her breakup with her fiancé

OOP: “But you are not getting younger! He is a good guy who has been through a lot. You will have a baby if you be patient and you know he is a great dad! Those kids need you. You really wanna start over at your age?”🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ mom I’m 28 not 88 ffs! I’m so glad I’m working today or I would lose it

OOP on her ex’s 2 children and their relationships altogether

OOP: I didn’t make them calling me a mom! It was their choice .They know I’m not their mom. They have many pictures of their mom in their room. Their dad talks about their mom all the time ( even stuff like “ you are so smart ! Just like your mom or you are gorgeous just like your mom was “. I should have stayed with their lying dad then? What are you suggesting? Ask for custody of his kids? Don’t you think I’m sad and I’ll miss them?

My ex told lies to his kids about our break up - May 19, 2024

I left my ex because he was lying to me and treating me like garbage as I mentioned in another post.

We were together for 4 years and i did everything for his two kids (their bio mom passed away 7 years ago). I went back to pack my stuff and his daughter said her dad told her that I left because I couldn’t stand them anymore and he chose them over me. I was floored.

I asked my ex and he (in front of the kids) said that he was just telling them the truth. He said you wanted a baby because my kids were too much for you, you hated my kids, remember you even wanted to exclude them from our trip (he meant honeymoon!!)

He wanted to bring his kids to our freaking honeymoon ffs)? I told the kids that’s not true and tried to explain but both kids cried and went to their rooms. My ex screamed HAPPY NOW?! GTFO of my house. I know I shouldn’t care but after 4 years of doing everything for them, this is what I get? I’m so mad at him

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP