Direct-Caterpillar77

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My wife is addicted to the gym and it’s ruining our marriage

Originally posted to &

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, physical violence, anger management issues, emotional manipulation

Feb 1, 2024

My wife is 30 years old and she’s always worked out and been in shape, but lately I feel like it’s becoming excessive.

She used to regularly work out at a gym when she was in college. At some point she stopped going to the gym, I think lately just due to her schedule, and preferred to work out at home or go for runs outside.

About 18 months ago she announced she was going to get back into the habit of going to the gym. She now had a job where she’s able to make more time for it. It started off normal, but slowly became more and more frequent. She signed up for classes on the weekend (both days), she started going to the gym every day, then it became the morning before work and then again later in the evening. Every single day. If she’s stressed, she goes to the gym. Experience some sort of life crisis. She immediately heads to the gym. We have an argument - runs to the gym.

She’s 4 months pregnant right now. I’m kind of surprised we even had time to make a kid. I understand that it’s safe for her to work out, especially since she was already in the habit of doing it before she got pregnant, but the intensity is not slowing down.

If she misses one of her normal gym session she becomes so irritable, like a junkie not getting her fix. It’s just bizarre. Truly a case of too much of a good thing.

Of course she gets upset when I voice that I feel it’s becoming an unhealthy obsession and that I miss spending time with her because she’s there so much. She has all of these friends and this whole circle of people there that she seems to prefer spending time with over me. Why don’t we work out together at the gym? The gym is her time, she says. This isn’t a case of me feeling insecure because she’s in great physical shape and I’m a fat slob. I work out and am in shape - my job really requires me to stay in shape so I can’t let myself go if I want to.

I genuinely feel her gym habits are unhealthy. She’s over exercising, for one. There is such a thing. But worse than that, I feel it’s becoming a way for her to escape everything else in her life. She never actually fixed anything that goes wrong in her life. She just runs off to the gym to get some sort of mood boost and then that’s it. She also never gets anything else done in a practical sense because how can she when she’s at the gym so often? It’s to the point where I have to do every chore and if food is getting made I’m going to have to do it. I don’t expect her to do all of those things, but it should at least be a shared effort.

People we know have even commented about it to me. They’ve said things about how she seems different, how she “sure is at the gym a lot,” and many of her friends and family barely see her anymore. Some have even suggested she’s having an affair with somebody there.

Please tell me that this doesn’t sound normal to you. She insists this is perfectly normal.

Feb 11, 2024

I posted not very long ago about my wife’s addiction to the gym. A compulsion, if you will. She spends most of her free time there. She often goes twice a day, and sometimes even 3 times if we have a fight at night and she needs to run off instead of actually talking to me.

She won’t let me go to her gym and she refuses to go to mine. Her gym is her place, my gym is my place, and that’s just the way it has to be according to her. I’d love to have her come along with me. I’ve invited her multiple times.

She’s about 18 weeks pregnant right now. This is our first baby. She worked out like crazy prior to the pregnancy and she continues to just as hard now.

I truly didn’t think she was cheating on me. People suggested it in the last thread and I laughed. You can tell she’s at the gym a lot, she’s in great shape. So she’s obviously going there. I felt really confident about the cheating issue and when I posted 9 days ago I wasn’t even considering cheating.

I’m embarrassed to admit that after reading a lot of the comments on my last post, I thought maybe I was being overly confident about her fidelity. She usually always has her phone on her, but she left it in the kitchen counter and as stupid as I felt, I decided to do a quick swipe through her texts. She had a current text conversation going on with a guy. I recognized the name. The same name of a guy from the gym she mentions a lot. She’s friends with a lot of people there, went to one of their weddings last fall. I wasn’t too terribly concerned until I started reading the texts. Never wanted to know what the guy’s dick looked like, but I know now.

She was only out of the room for literally about a minute or two, so I had to scroll fast. I was furious. I asked her what the fuck that conversation was about. She started yelling at me for looking at her phone. I told her she’s acting so weird and the gym obsession was really bothering me so I just decided to look, and was ashamed that I did, but that’s I thought I’d find nothing all. She said “it’s nothing! It’s nothing!” Didn’t look like nothing to me. She sure seemed pretty interested in this “nothing.” I wanted to know if she’s been fucking him. For how long? She kept saying no. I left the house because I was so furious, but not before I slammed her phone on the ground and shattered it. She was calling me all sorts of names for breaking her phone. She hit me on the back as hard as she could. I left. Went to my brother’s house. My brother and sister in law were shocked, although my sister in law was one of the most vocal ones about my wife’s gym obsession being weird and bringing it up to me constantly.

I went home. She was in bed crying. She obviously couldn’t call me or anyone else for that matter. She was laying it on thick, “I don’t know if you’d ever come home.” Give me a break.

I took her phone to get repaired tonight. She doesn’t deserve it but I still feel like an ass breaking her phone.

I still don’t know how deep it goes. She won’t admit to anything beyond what I saw. Was it sexting (bad enough) or more? I’m convinced it was a lot more, but she refuses to hand over her phone and is now trying to act like I’m this terrible monster who is abusing her because I broke her phone. Not my proudest moment, but I honestly wanted to body slam her after she punched me. I have never and would never actually touch her like that.

Feb 12, 2024

Not sure if posting something in my profile will be seen by anyone, but I don’t feel like making another update in a subreddit.

Today my wife asked me to stay home from work so we could “talk.” She laid in bed all day yesterday trying to get me to feel sorry for her, but I paid absolutely no attention to her and ended up leaving the house to go to my family’s Super Bowl party. I wasn’t in the mood to go but I wasn’t going to sit at home with her. It really bothered her that I left. She kept texting me things like “Who just leaves like that? When something like this is happening, who is that cold and callous that they just leave to go to a party.”

I stayed home today to talk to her. She was full of tears, she’s “so sorry.”

According to her, she really was going to the gym twice a day because she likes going there, that’s where her friends are, makes her feel good, it’s “fun” for her. She met this guy there and he started flirting with her. Everyone likes him. He’s one of the most popular guys there. I didn’t realize there were popular people at gyms.

She admitted that she flirted back but didn’t mean anything by it. She didn’t reciprocate very much at first, but he gave her “butterflies” and she just found herself flirting back without thinking. She said it felt like when she had a crush on somebody when she was in school when she was younger. They started texting. At first it was just friendly and nothing sexual for several months, but she’d feel giddy every time she got a message from him. She was really attracted to him, but told him that she was married and there could never actually be anything between them.

According to her, he kept flirting with her anyway and said “sure, we won’t cross the line.” Until they did cross the line. She said she had tried to resist it for a while, but then one day they kissed. She admitted to enjoying it but also feeling that it was wrong. She must not have felt that bad because she slept with him for the first time later that night.

She described it like falling in love with somebody for the first time. All she could think about what him. Is she in love with him? She doesn’t know.

Is this baby mine? She thinks so but there’s always a small chance it could be his. He always uses a condom so she doesn’t think it’s his baby but they were sleeping together at the time she got pregnant.

She loves me. She can’t help that there’s just this huge spark between the two of them.

She doesn’t know if she loves him. She doesn’t know if the baby is mine. She doesn’t know why she did this. She doesn’t know what she thinks we should do.

The nail in the coffin is when she said “You would really leave me if it’s not your baby would you?” She had the balls to ask me that. I told her of course I’m leaving her and I wouldn’t raise another man’s child. She seemed shocked. She said “really? With everything we have and all our history, you wouldn’t even consider it?” She can’t be serious. I told her no I would never consider it.

She agreed to get a DNA test. She tearfully agreed, like I’m supposed to feel sorry for her about it?

I don’t know who this woman is. She was crying the whole time, but not tears of an ashamed or sorry person. They were tears for herself and meant to try to make me feel bad. Feel bad for what? That her heart is apparently so torn?

RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

OOP

She’s ruined my life, but I just feel numb right now. I barely feel anything at the moment.

It would have been bad enough for her to have an affair and cheat on me. But she couldn’t have stopped when she found out she was pregnant? At least I could have walked away if it wasn’t for this pregnancy. Maybe a still can, but I won’t know for sure until I get some test results. She’s almost positive the baby is mine. Im stuck dealing with her forever then. My child will grow up with divorced parents. Their mom will be the gym bike. Maybe she’ll even take off to live near her family and take my kid with her. Oh but then she couldn’t be near the guy who gives her butterflies and fucks her in gym changing rooms. The thrill, the excitement, how can I even blame her?

She’s ruined fatherhood for me, whether this is my kid or not. If by some chance this isn’t my baby and I’m able to completely break free, how will I not think of this one day when I start a family? I was so fucking happy to have this baby with her. I was really excited, even though we hadn’t planned for it right now. We have names picked out. I’ve been there for everything and now she does this to me. Not only me, but this poor kid regardless of who their father is.

~

OOP

She’s saying “I’ll never go back to the gym again. I’ll never talk to him again.” But she can’t say whether she’s in love with him or not? What kind of idiot does she think I am?

TTIsurvivors

She still thinks there is hope to save your relationship? Jesus Christ.

OOP

Yeah, I believe she still thinks there’s a chance I’ll agree to raise another man’s child with her. She doesn’t take me seriously when I say there’s no way I’d do that. She is dependent on me. She probably wouldn’t leave me if I knocked somebody else up and wanted her to play mommy. I know that sounds terrible and it’s nothing I’d ever do but I feel like she’d be mad and she’d go screw somebody else to get back at me but she probably would be too scared to actually leave me. I don’t feel the same way about leaving her. I’m sad to leave her. I don’t want this to be our reality. I can’t even say that I completely hate her yet. But I won’t raise another man’s child. If she feels so strongly about that guy and he’s so wonderful, go get together with him then and leave everyone else alone.

~

She was practically on her knees yesterday saying “I won’t go back to the gym. I won’t ever contact him again.” I feel like that doesn’t really mesh with the fact that she doesn’t even know if she’s in love with him or not. She obviously still has very strong feelings for him, which are probably coming more from between her legs than her actual heart but doesn’t really matter either way to me.

I think despite anything to do with him, she’s dependent on me in a way. For stability, maybe. Just out of comfort, maybe. We’ve been together since she was 20 years old, so I’m just this familiar person I guess. She has her gym friends out here but other than that she has no family or friends out here. She makes pretty good money, but I make more and all of our benefits are through me. Even with her good salary, it would be difficult to survive on her own as a single mom here with all of the daily living expenses, or at least live anywhere near the level she wants to live at.

~

Today is the day she was crying all night about how she’s ruined her life. She seemed genuine, like reality is hitting her, but I didn’t pay any attention to her at all. I just pretended she wasn’t there.

I did ask her if she’ll get blood drawn for a paternity test. I asked her to please not hurt me further by keeping me in limbo about that for months. She said she doesn’t want to.

OOP on if he got a lawyer and if he ever met the AP

I’m meeting with a lawyer next week and will see what they advise.

How can she parade me around when I’ve never been allowed to go to her gym? I’ve met two of the people, a slightly older married couple.

Yes, I met the AP. Last summer he called her because he was drunk at a bar and couldn’t drive home, so he called her to come get him. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to go pick somebody up late at night, so I went with her.

I want her out of the house but I don’t necessarily want her to fly back home to where she’s from just yet. If this is my kid and she gives birth out here I’ll be in a much better position. If she leaves and goes home to her parents, she could very well be allowed to stay there and that would be considered the baby’s place of residence.

She missed a few days of work, but she has gone to work since all of this happened. She was having a meltdown this morning and I left for work. She told me had to go in late today and when she got there everybody was making her food and tea and stuff. She obviously didn’t tell them what really happened.

How long the affair was happening

She claims they’ve been sleeping together since the summer. Thats just what she claims, of course.

Feb 22, 2024

My life has been reduced to a trashy daytime talk show.

The woman who was once my wife, who I considered a classy woman, has turned into complete trailer trash.

Today she announced that she’s moving in with her affair partner from the gym. She’s pregnant, might be his kid, might be mine. She’s too embarrassed to go get blood drawn for a paternity test.

She spent about a week trying to get my attention, to get me to talk to her, to get me to beg her to be mine. I didn’t fall for any of it. I’ve largely been ignoring her and when we have to speak I keep it very brief. We’ve been living together this whole time, but I’m in a different room now and functioning separate from her in all ways.

So, her pouting and trying to get me to pay attention to her and give her a gold star for not going to the gym for 5 days in a row didn’t work. Today she texted me to say she is moving in with him.

Somehow I still care about this person. I’ve already met with a lawyer though. I can care about her as a human being and possible mother of my child without being married to her. Still, it stung to hear her say she was going to be with him. I told her it wasn’t a smart move to leave the house. I’ve even told her she should probably meet with a lawyer. She doesn’t care about anything I have to say. I don’t think she needs to move in with anybody. I actually feel bad for her that she can’t just be on her own.

I asked her if he actually knew she was pregnant and wanted to know what story she’s been telling him this whole time. She said he knows and he doesn’t care if it’s my baby, he loves her and wants to be with her. Bizarre. You can’t find anyone else? Somebody who isn’t a married, pregnant woman? Why would you take that on? Doesn’t make sense to me. He’s scum but he’s good looking scum who apparently is gainfully employed and owns his own home, so you can’t tell me that my married, pregnant wife is your only option here. I just can’t imagine being a single guy like that and wanting to put up with this baggage when I could have other options.

And if this really is my baby then what? They’ll live with my wife and this weasel 50% of the time?

I don’t know how my life turned into this mess. And she thinks it’s embarrassing to have to go get blood drawn?!?!

Feb 29, 2024

My wife moved in with her AP last weekend. She didn’t take very much at all. Most of her stuff is still in our house. I still get the feeling she was just waiting for me to beg her to come home, but I didn’t reach out to her at all after she left.

It was a strange mixture of relief, anger, and sadness. I don’t think I ate at all until last night. Just never felt hungry. Drank a little too much. But I’m fine.

I’m posting this update because I’ve received a ton of messages from people and honestly it’s emotionally draining to respond to each one and to have to type the same stuff out. I just don’t feel like talking about her that much.

So this morning she texted me to say her AP wants to get a DNA test done, so she’s going to do it. Look at that, didn’t matter when I wanted one but now that he has requested it she suddenly thinks it’s a great idea. She asked if I wanted to submit a sample because it’ll be cheaper to have 2 dads tested as part of one package. I don’t even care about the cost at this point, I just want an answer.

I don’t have to see or interact with them at all. I just have to make my own appointment with the lab to get my cheek swabbed. So this Saturday I’m going to do that and we should have the results within a week.

I’ll take what I can get at this point because it’s better than her dragging this out for another 20 weeks.

So that’s it. I’m fine. I’m going to work every day. Trying to function. Just feel stuck in limbo. I miss her. Honestly, I hate that she’s there with him. It makes me sick. Part of me does want to beg her to come home. It’ll be even worse if I find out that it’s my baby and she’s there with him. Unless he drops her at that news. I won’t let myself beg her. I won’t play any of those games with her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/UPDATES

March 8, 2024

TTIsurvivors

Have you gotten the paternity test results?

OOP

At 11:00 this morning I got the news that I’m the father. I feel incredibly conflicted right now.

jacobe_bryant8

Is she asking to come back home? Or is she still planning on staying with the other guy? Regardless this is a rough situation I’m sorry for you bro.

OOP

We haven’t talked.

jacobe_bryant8

Understandable but I think that you should try and set up a meeting with her somewhere public to discuss the pregnancy and the future in general with her. Whether or not your marriage is going to end the kid is still going to be a big part of your lives so it would be best to see where both of you stand in that regard. Also I recall you saying earlier that you think that your wife would listen to what her affair partner would say to her (or something similar to that) so now that it’s not his kid I would be concerned about him pressuring her into getting a abortion. So I think you really should talk to your wife about your unborn child and whatnot.

OOP

We definitely need to talk, but I got the news in the middle of a work day so I wasn’t in the mood to have a full blown conversation with her. I think I need to sort of wrap my head around the reality of it all before I say too much to her anyway.

March 15, 2024

My wife has been having an affair with a guy she met at the gym for at least nearly a year. She’s around 22 weeks pregnant right now. She was somewhere around 17 weeks when I discovered she was cheating. She maintained that she was positive I was the father, but then refused to get a paternity test done to ease my mind.

We recently had a paternity test done (at the request of her affair partner) and it proves the baby is mine. It’s been very mixed emotions for me, very up and down. Originally I thought I just wanted to be completely done with her and not have any lifelong ties in the form of a full blown human being we shared, but I was sort of happy or relieved when I got the results. I’d already had it in my mind that I was going to be a father for months before I found out she was cheating. Sometimes I just have moments where I can’t believe this is my life, that this is the situation that my kid will be born into and I hate her for it.

She’s still living with him. All of her belongings are still here in our house. I refuse to do the work of packing everything up for her. She doesn’t seem concerned about taking any her things, beyond the essentials.

After we got the news that I’m the baby’s father, she texted me to say she’s glad I’m the father and that she knows I’ll be a great dad. She was texting me new baby name ideas last night. She’s tried calling but I ignore the calls. I only speak with her via text. This morning she asked if she could come by and get a few things. I told her it was fine, as I’ve been advised by my lawyer to not prevent her entry from the home, but I told her that he better not be with her.

So who shows up with her? The scumbag boyfriend. He walks right on into the house behind her like it’s no big deal. She ran upstairs to get the stuff she wanted and he and I were just left standing there in the living room. He told me it wasn’t her fault that he was there. She told him I didn’t want come but he forced his way along. He wanted to talk to me, supposedly, to tell me he “understand how I must be feeling.” No, you don’t know. He told me he knows I probably don’t believe him, but he genuinely loves her and knew he probably wasn’t the father. He accepts it and then tried to assure me he won’t try to take my place with the baby and hopes we can just get along since we’re both going to be in her life now. He “promises” that she’s fine, he’s looking after her. I told him that I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what he wanted with a pregnant woman who is having another man’s child, that I found it weird. Then I told him if he didn’t get out of my house I’d punch him. I went upstairs and she was trying to find somebody things in the bathroom. I got mad, asked her why she brought him along, and told her I find it really strange that he still wants to be with her now that he knows he has nothing to do with this baby - and that I refuse to let him have anything to do with my child. She said he talked her into coming and she’s sorry and never meant for any of this to happen but she’s in love with him now. He is supposedly what 30 year old her is looking for, not me. She’s setting up a nursery in his house and I can set one up at my house and she has no intention of trying to get full custody or anything like that. She doesn’t want to keep me from being involved in my child’s life. How generous of her.

She went back downstairs and I followed her and he was still standing there in the living room and I just walked up to him and punched him. He stumped back and fall into a table. She yelled “What the fuck?!” and ran over to him. I don’t even care at this point. As if he’s going to call the cops? He deserved it and it wouldn’t have happened had he just left like I told him to.

Several hours later she texted me to say she was sorry about today. He really meant what he said and he’s actually a good guy and he cares about her and he respect me. Wtf? He respects me?! He was screwing my wife in the gym locker room! I was like you can’t be serious. She said “Fine! I’m trying to have a mature conversation about this. I can’t help that we fell in love. Believe it or not, I’m not trying to hurt you and I want everything to be amicable.”

This guy stole my wife and he’s stealing my kid too. Sure I’m the actual father but now they’re setting up a nursery together in his house? I’ve tried to not feel jealous or sad. I’ve tried to maintain the thought that he’s the trash man who picked up my garbage. Sometimes I feel that way, but the truth is that I loved her, and still love her. I don’t want to stay married to her on principle alone, but this is devastating to me.

Apr 10, 2024

My wife? is basically 26 weeks pregnant now.

There actually hasn’t been much drama with her and her AP. I was away for a long weekend last week and it was nice to just get away from home for a while.

Only really annoying thing that’s happened is that I told her I’m being in the delivery room, not him. After everything she’s done, she owes me that. It’s not his baby. He has no right or reason to be there. I will not be the one waiting outside when my kid is being born.

She said yeah she agreed and she never planned to have him in there with her. I asked her if she’d told him that and she said no. I told her to tell him he’ll have no part in it. Well she told him and apparently he didn’t like that and he started trying to convince her why he should be there. Next thing I know she’s telling me that he really wants to be there and she’s the one giving birth so she should be able to say who she wants there and she wants him there. I suppose he’ll start making name suggestions soon and will try to overrule names we’ve had picked out for our future kids for years.

We’ve talked a little bit and she told me I can have our house and the dog in our divorce. I’m requesting that we sell the house and split the profit. I already that written in the paperwork. I’m not buying her out of our house - a house that I’ve made all the payments on anyway. I have a much better credit score than her and less debt. I compromised a lot because she liked this house. I’d rather be able to get my own place based just on what I want and with no reminders of her. And there was already no way she was getting the dog. I already had proof that I “owned” him though so she wouldn’t really stand a chance of having a court award the dog to her. It’s the one thing I told my lawyer I wanted above everything else (not including any custody issues surrounding my actual human child). Honestly, her AP can have her, but he will never ever have my dog. Not to mention my dog is 100 times more loyal than my wife and some might even say better looking too.

So with the idea I won’t be living here in this house for much longer after the baby is born (if everything moves quickly), I decided I will still prepare a nursery here anyway in case anyone wants to try to accuse me of not being invested/prepared for fatherhood. I’m trying to look at the positives. It doesn’t matter what colors she likes or what themes. I can do whatever I want. Honestly, we’ve been together for so long and have lived together for most of our adult lives. It sort of nice not living with somebody but sort of lonely too. I have friends and family, but it’s hard to feel in the mood to go out or hang out with people too often. They always ask me about everything that’s going on and it’s just like I’m tired of that being the topic of conversation.

I got a promotion at work, which financially would have been better had it happened after the divorce, but I’ll take what I can get.

I feel like I’m living in this limbo right now and a lot of what I do is always framed around “how will this affect me in the divorce?”

Admittedly I spy on them on social media sometimes. Guess I’m hoping to see he’s been in a motorcycle accident or something now that the weather is nicer. Hasn’t happened yet, but he’s starting a new company and once that’s up and running I can always get all my friends and family to leave 1 star reviews everywhere. Have to find ways to have a little fun.

Sorry that I don’t respond to a lot of messages or comments. Sometimes I just take big breaks from looking at Reddit since it can be depressing af.

Editing to add something I forgot. She told her family that we’ve split up and that she’s with this other guy now. Her sister reached out to me to say how sorry she was, her sister is a dumbass, that sort of thing. She told me that my wife was complaining about her AP. She the sex is over when he’s done and apparently he’s really selfish with sex. He doesn’t do extra little things for her that she’s used to me doing, like clearing the snow off her car in the morning and heating it up or offering to make her food after a long day. He doesn’t speak her “love language” and he hangs out with his friends too much. This made me so happy to hear. She’s secretly miserable and I find that absolutely delightful.

NEW UPDATE

May 19, 2024

I’m still alive. I’m mainly posting here because several people have reached out to me and were concerned that I’d taken my own life. No, I’m not on the brink of ending my life. I think I’m doing better than I have since all of this started.

Around the time of my last post, my story blew up and I was getting messages from people who saw it on TikTok and YouTube. I had to take a step back because it was a little overwhelming. I have over 100 unread messages here. I appreciate it but it was a little uncomfortable at the time, and I got to the point where I didn’t really want to talk about the situation with my wife and her AP anymore.

So as of today, our baby is due in less than 10 weeks. We’re in the home stretch now. I don’t feel prepared at all. All of this other stuff has just been so distracting.

I started working on a nursery. It’s not done yet, but I have the floor finished and the walls painted. My ex-wife was impressed with the color scheme and furniture I chose. She’s not legally my ex-wife yet but I’ve started calling her that. It sort of makes it easier.

I also packed up a bunch of her stuff. Originally I refused to spend my time packing up her things, but eventually just said screw it and started packing it. I’m at the point where it’ll just be easier to not see all of her stuff around here. Why did I leave it for so long?

She came over to get some of the boxes I packed up. She came alone. Things were fine between us. I loaded the stuff into her car. We didn’t argue. At one point she started to tear up and said she fucked up. I said yeah she did, but there’s no point talking about it now. She shit all over our marriage. She has her muscle bound asshole to go home to now anyway so who cares. She said “I know, but it’s not the same.” I told her nothing has been the same since she decided to fuck him the first time.

Supposedly he’s going to “let” me be in the delivery room when my baby is born. I didn’t even argue it when she said it like that, but inside I was boiling at the idea of him letting me be there for the birth of my child. She says she talked to him and he agreed it wouldn’t really be right to not allow me to be there. I’m going to take what I can get if it means being there for the birth of my child. I’m going to try to just ignore him for the time being. She was acting all sweet and laying on all of the “I really want you there. I really need you there” stuff and I know mentally I’m not in a place to be that cold to her when she starts acting that way. I’m trying to be indifferent more than anything else but it’s so hard when she’s actually around and starts looking at me a certain way and making me feel bad. She invited me over to see the nursery they have set up at his house. I’m not sure I can bring myself to go into another man’s house and look at the nursery set up for my kid.

I did ask her if she was truly safe there though. I don’t know why, it’s just been bothering me. As pissed as I still am, I don’t want to find out he’s mistreating her and I definitely don’t want my kid to be going into an unsafe household. I haven’t told her about anything her sister has told me. They probably won’t last but as of right now there’s a very good chance my newborn baby will be going home to his house. It kills me to think about. It’s almost soul destroying to think about if I dwell on it too long.

She says she’s fine. He genuinely loves her. He’s great with kids. He accepts that she’s having a baby and that this is part of the package. She insists it’s not weird because she wasn’t pregnant when anything started between them.

I asked her why she did it…why did she ever let anything start between them in the first place. She said “I don’t know.” Then went into “I don’t want to talk about this” mode and left pretty soon after. Typical behavior from her - just run away.

Overall I’m doing ok. I’m not sitting here depressed and drinking a bottle of scotch every night anymore. I mean on occasion, but for the most part no. I feel more used to my new normal now, and that’ll all change yet again pretty soon.

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I gave my husband an ultimatum, quit his job or I'm leaving

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: hostile workplace, emotional distress, struggles with physical and mental health, extreme burnout

May 6, 2024

Let's preface by saying that I love him, I don't want to leave him but I can't keep seeing the man I love killing himself for a company that doesn't value him.

My husband got promoted to Sales Director last year, and we were very happy about it at first. But then his life (and my own) became hell. The company is struggling and is dealing with numerous lawsuit from clients. My husband knew nothing of this when he was brought on as Director.

He works every single fucking day from 8AM and comes home late, even past midnight. Often he works full Saturdays as well. He has lost weight and his hair is already graying. One night he didn't come back home and I panicked. I called his company and they wouldn't tell me where he was. He reached out to me around midday and I learned he had been hospitalized for heart palpitations. Doctors advise him to take more exams because he risks an heart attack.

He is just 36 but looks ten years older. His company uses and abuses him (I heard him talking to his bosses on phone calls, the way those people talk to him...) and he is too beaten down to leave. I'm friend with his deputy director (funny thing, I suspected they were having an affair at first, but she became a great friend for me) and she's actively looking to leave.

We tried to drill this into my husband, to no avail. I have been polite, I have been rude, now I'm just done. I don't want to watch him die.

I gave him the ultimatum: quit this fucking job or I am gone. He is worried about the money, but I work and I can be the breadwinner while he recuperates and looks for a new job. He seemingly took me seriously but for now has not quit, he has taken sick days. And he has really fallen sick now.

I can't take this anymore. I love this man, and I am watching him kill himself for people that wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Embarrassed_Sky3188

You are right, but he can't hear you right now. Keep pushing. Would it help to have the deputy come over, and they both agree to leave? It's possible they are (appropriately) close (possibly trauma bonded) and he doesn't want to leave her behind.

OOP

We already had this talk with him. She says that if he walks, she's walking with him. He won't budge and says he doesn't want her to lose her job for him.

~

Unfair_Finger5531

I don’t blame you. I don’t like ultimatums, but sometimes they are needed. You can’t just stand by and watch him work himself to death.

I hope he’s at least getting some rest on his sick days.

OOP

I had to take away the phone because they kept pestering him for every little thing. I am angry and I am scared, I can't live like this but I know that if I leave those people might end up killing him.

OOP GIVES A LITTLE UPDATE IN THE COMMENTS

Here's the plan. Tonight his deputy will come over and we will draft their resignations. I decided to take this off my husband's hands, I am quitting his job for him.

We won't forward the resignations right away because first I want to collect proof of the mistreatment and psychological abuse. If my husband gets better I will be all too happy to forget about those people.

But if he has a heart attack or dies, I am suing the crap out of them. I am sitting beside him, he's been sleeping nonstop and I check he's breathing because I am so fucking scared he might die in his sleep. Doctor said it's just a fever but if he's not getting better by tomorrow I am taking him to the hospital.

Those people are killing him.

May 8, 2024

I thought on it and I am convinced that if I leave, he might literally die, so I decided to take the situation in my hands.

Tonight his deputy director came over and we drafted my husband's and her resignations. We decided to not submit them right away, but to use their emails and accounts to find proof of the company's mistreatments and abuses. They had him work 16 hours a day and pressured him to the point of giving him heart problems. Now he has taken sick leave and barely get out of bed, he just sleeps and I have to check he's breathing because at this point I am scared he might die in his sleep.

The doctor said it's just a fever but there's also physical and mental exhaustion, and he needs to rest. I wake him up to get him to drink some water and eat something. I have to help him get up and walk to the bathroom. Tonight I made it clear he is not going back to the job, and he agreed. His deputy director spoke with him too and told him hearsay is that the company is going to collapse and close down by next fall, so they need to get out now.

There's not much to add. I spent the evening with her and we wrote the resignations and went through his emails, but we didn't find much. I broke down a bit and cried on her shoulder, I am so bottled up I needed to let some out.

That's all for now. I wish to thank everyone whom gave me advice and compassion for our situation. I will be taking care of my husband but I am so angry and sad. Those people destroyed the man of my life,I want to be hopeful but I'm not sure he will go back to how he was before.

Wish us luck.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

hey_nonny_mooses

Best wishes that you can both recover from this. He will need to recover his health and figure out why he was complacent in their abuse. You will have to figure out how to trust your husband not to martyr himself again. I hope you can both heal and perhaps get some counseling.

OOP

Thank you. I don't know when or if I'll trust him to have a healthy work life balance. I made it clear to him he's staying home at least for a month now.

NEW UPDATE

May 19, 2024

Hi, I'm back with what I think will be my last update.

It's over. We didn't find anything against his bosses or the company, so he forwarded his resignation. I wrote it for him, he just changed a couple of things and then sent it. He also requested for his deputy director to collect his things, but he got no answer yet. The only reply he from all the people he CC'd was from one Dyana, who expressed regret at seeing him go, wished him the best and asked if they could set up an exit interview.

I asked his deputy who this Dyana is, and she told me it's the only one of their corporate overlords who treats her employees like actual people, and she thinks it would do no harm to have an exit interview if my husband feels like it.

As for my husband, he's doing better, not much but he has slightly improved. He still sleeps a lot, but I manage to get him out in the garden for some fresh air. I have also booked blood tests and full check-ups for him, just to be sure.

I made it clear to him, I'm keeping him home this summer. We have enough saved up for the rainy days to live confortably, and I will keep working. Then we'll see. He's a smart man and a very hard worker, I don't doubt he will find a good opportunity in no time.

He's worried and uncertain but I do my best to reassure him and make him feel better. He used to be the rock in our relationship, but now it's my time to step up.

I would like to thank you all for your comments and kindness, on my and my husband's behalf. I know it won't be easy and it will take time, patience and love, but we'll be alright.

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My boyfriend saved my friend and now she fancies him

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: attempted sexual assault, manipulation, obsessive behavior

  Dec 27, 2021

Spent the last hour debating whether to post this but here goes. TW//SA

At a halloween party earlier this year someone tried to SA my(24f) friend while she(22f) was blackout drunk, and my boyfriend(23m) caught the guy in the act & stopped him. He got his mum to come get her and carried her to the car. His mum took her to his house and she stayed in his room while he stayed out at a friends. He then drove her home in the morning.

My friend was heavily impacted by that, and hasn’t come out in a while (understandably) but we’ve met her a few times to hang out and the such. But since then she has messaged my boyfriend just trying to chat almost everyday. My boyfriend usually replies maybe once every 3 days (he’s a notoriously bad texter).

This did sort of bother me at first but I thought you know, maybe talking to him is comforting to her after what happened so I pretty much ignored it and didn’t let it bother me.

This is until yesterday. On boxing day my friend group had a get together at my friends flat. We had some drinks, played party games and did a secret santa. We agreed a £100 limit on secret santa. My friend got my boyfriend and got him a £380!!! balenciaga hoodie!! We were all like wtf but she said it was just to say thankyou. For the rest of the party it felt like she wouldnt leave his side too.

Again I let this slide, until towards the end of the night, another friend of ours pulled me to the side and told me that my friend had confided in her that she fancied my boyfriend, and had done since the incident.

Now I really don’t know what to do. My friend went through something horrific and my boyfriend saved her, but now I don’t know how to reinforce boundaries in my relationship, or if I even should.

Edit: WOW this really blew up while I was asleep! I will try and reply to as many people as I can, thank you for everyone who took time out of their day to reply!!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

geomagus

A few things:

First, good on your bf and his mum. Proper heroes.

You can’t control your friend’s feelings here. Likely she can’t control them. Infatuations are like that, and he’s given her a doozy of a reason to be infatuated.

Your bf needs to be clear that while they can be friends/confidants, he’s with you. Romance is off the table. And big gifts make him uncomfortable.

The bigger issue is beyond your ability to fix. She really needs to get some therapy to help manage the trauma, and the resulting feelings. But coming from you, she could see it as jealousy and react poorly. This might be a job for mutual friends to try to coax her into therapy.

Hopefully, receiving help from a therapist will make her more recptive to rebuilding boundaries.

OOP

Yeah I am very proud of him.

My issue is that my friend has only recently started coming out again, and only ever comes out if my boyfriend is going to be there.

I worry that by saying something it will put her in a position where she will shut herself off, which is the last thing she probably needs

geomagus

I understand. It’s a complicated situation, with a ton of potential pitfalls wherein someone can be hurt.

Above all else, your friend needs therapy. Right now she’s forming unhealthy attachments. It’s all very understandable, but it’s unhealthy and it’s causing problems for you/bf.

I worry that you’re right - if it comes from you, she may react even more poorly. Maybe bf can nudge her to therapy? Maybe mutual friends. But someone has to. In the meantime, you (or probably your bf) will have to try to reestablish boundaries in a gentle way. Talk to him and try to work out an approach. Maybe he shouldn’t spend time with her unless you’re around (a gentle reminder for her).

But again, she needs therapy. You and bf might talk to a therapist too - I’m not suggesting you need it (although I view it as an overall positive), but a therapist could help you find a way forward that both helps your relationship and helps her mental health? I don’t know.

OOP

Do you have any ideas of how to go about getting my friends on side to convince her to get therapy?

I don’t want to feel like I’m pushing into her boundaries, or try and tell her HOW to heal, but at the same time I can’t do nothing because it will lead to me resenting her

~

CuriousTinyMissPink

OP I understand she's your friend and I truly admire your compassion and empathy. However she is doing something unfair to you, her friend that cares so much about her. If you want my opinion, put yourself first, clearly express to her that this bothers you and it's disrespectful. If you feel uncomfortable having a direct confrontation I would advise you to take some distance from her, your boyfriend should also do that. Just stop seeing her and maybe even talking to her. I also know it's unfair to ask that of your bf but maybe it would even be best to return the gift to her. This kind of thing needs to be shut down fast or it will keep growing.

OOP

It’s just hard because I feel partly to blame as I was supposed to go to the party with her & meet my boyfriend there, but cancelled last minute due to really intense cramps so I feel like the least I can do is help her through this however she needs

OOP When told to tell her boyfriend

Yeah I haven’t even told him yet, but I don’t want to make him feel awkward or anything as I wouldn’t want what’s happening now to affect any decisions he’d make in the future

&

By “react in a negative way” I mean in the sense of hesitating to help someone in the future or something, I don’t feel like he’d cheat on me. I just don’t want him to have to worry about anything

  Dec 31, 2021

So following the advice of the majority of responses, I told my boyfriend and we agreed he should sit her down and talk to her. He invited her out to starbucks to talk about the how she feels, but now I fear the situation is worse.

My boyfriend told her gently that he understands how she feels and is grateful but he doesn’t feel the same. He also told her that her emotional response to him is just trauma bonding.

She refuted this by claiming that she had feelings for him long before the incident, back when they first met, but never acted on them. That she only SAID that her feelings came after the incident so that people wouldn’t judge her/hate her.

My boyfriend told her that he wasn’t interested regardless, and she said that’s fine, but her feelings are real, and she has a right to speak “her truth”. When I tried to talk to her she didn’t even apologise, and said that she won’t feel guilty for something outside of her control.

I feel totally lost because now this feels like so much more of a betrayal than before. Any help would be appreciated at this point. I just feel sick.

Edit to add: she also admitted that she didn’t originally even get his name in secret santa, that she found out someone else had it and asked to swap so she would be buying his gift.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sarbee888

Although she’s right, her feelings aren’t in her control, her actions are. By actively pursuing your boyfriend, knowing you’re together she is way out of line. At this point, as much as it may hurt, I would cut her off. The fact she couldn’t even apologize is proof that she has no remorse or guilt for what she is doing. Not worth the headache op. No way.

OOP

I just can’t believe she would be so remorseless to someone she’s had a 7 year friendship with. I’m just speechless I don’t even know what to say to her

~

nonoinformation

If this is very unusual behavior for her, then this might be a trauma response. Regardless, she's a danger to your relationship and a bad friend. It's time to distance yourself from her and tell the mutual friends that she's been openly pursuing your boyfriend, which both of you don't want. Start to document what she's doing, in case she escalates and you need to file for a restraining order. She's developing obsessive behavior, and it might get worse.

OOP

It’s super unusual which is why I’m so confused on how to act, she has never been the type of girl to go near a guy in a relationship before and has even turned guys down based on them having gfs she didn’t even know. Me and my boyfriend think in her mind she sees this as a girlboss sort of moment where she’s finally going after whatever she wants and good for her but like… I just feel she shouldn’t do it at my expense

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I cancelled D&D due to people wanting to abuse their power

Originally posted to

March 18, 2024

So, for the last few months I have been running a D&D campaign through my school. I joined a club to be able to participate and they gave me my own group to be the DM of.

At first I was hesitant due to the fact that most of the players had never even played before, but I was determined. We had a very rocky start, due to their being 8 of them and this being one of the first times I've DMed for a group larger than 3. We started back in September of '23 at level 3. Due to me not wanting to creep into the following school year, mainly to give others a chance to DM, I have been power leveling my players.

Now that another term is coming to an end, the leaders of the club have been trying to impeed on the campaign. We have people watching over us and interjecting in the middle of the session for things that don't need to be said. I was planning to run a final session before our next term started (to give me players a good note to leave off on) but the leaders have been trying to stop it. We got informed that, if we tried to meet up, all of us would be removed from the club and our group would be disbanded.

Not wanting the others to deal with that, I instead cancelled my campaign going forward. My players were upset, but all of them understood seeing as they were tired of the last month being controlled by others (players had to change how their characters acted or I had to change what my plans were for that day because was I was doing "wasn't allowed" even though they do it in their own D&D group).

I feel justified in my decision because I left the club but didn't force the others out on my own behalf. I had been informed that, if we continued into the next term, we would be kept a watch over and that's why I wanted to be done. I didn't want a babysitter during an adult's D&D group simply because they felt like they didn't have full control over us.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kytfyt

Any chance you could give a few examples of what the group leaders were saying you were doing wrong?

The only thing that matters is that your group had fun. Fuck those other guys, make your own club.

OOP

My players were doing an RP bit and one of the characters admitted they were apart of a Cult before the party (the campaign is centered around taking down a cult) and they were told they had to completely change that. We weren't allowed to have Warlocks because they're bad. And no tieflings.

I got told I couldn't use undead as monsters and the fact that I described that high elves looked down on some of the players was bad and I needed to change that because it was being too mean to the players.

Unfortunately, because the club has already taken D&D under their wing, we aren't allowed to make a club with it. We can do a TTRPG club but we aren't allowed to incorporate D&D or Call of Cthulhu because they've been used by the club.

~

bigbossmogadon

Was this in some nutjob religious school? Why did they place all these restrictions on what you could do?

OOP

We don't know the reason, but I'm pretty sure it's because they didn't have the power. The club only started with one D&D group that was the leaders but more people wanted to play, so they made more groups. But because none of them left the original group, they didn't know what was happening in any of the other groups so we think they're trying to get rid of them.

Apr 1, 2024

I hope I am doing this update thing right

About two weeks ago, I had posted a story about my D&D group that is connected to my college.

For a TLDR, we were being disbanded due to my own wishes after being watched over by the leaders of the club who were trying to go against the campaign I had running.

Well, I took some of the commenter's advice and decided to talk to my group about it in a call over Discord. We did it on our usual meet day in the server for all of the D&D groups in a private call that only some people have access to (i.e. all of my party, the person who runs the server, and the supervisor (SV) of the club).

During our conversation about continuing D&D at a different location, as most of them were very willing to do, the SV decided to join the call thinking I was hosting D&D and none of the club leaders were in the call. After a few moments, SV had asked what we were talking about and I informed them of the situation at hand. It didn't take long, with my players all backing up my story and some having their own small interactions with the leaders. After we had talked to them, SV informed us that they would be speaking to the leaders.

Today, I got a PM from the president of the club telling me that our normal room had been booked for this coming term. When I had asked what they meant, they told me that my D&D group was scheduled to meet up like beforehand. I didn't want to poke the bear, so I just thanked them. I messaged the SV and thanked them for talking to the leaders and informed them of what had happened. The only message reply I got back was "What conversation with the leaders? ;)" I informed all of my party today and all of them are ecstatic to be able to continue.

Thank you for those who commented on my original post and were offering ways to help. You are much appreciated because, without you, I wouldn't be able to finish my campaign.

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My boss and coworkers keep giving me plants

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

  Sept 9, 2021

This is a fairly low stakes question, but I don’t know what to do. About two years ago, my team (boss and coworkers) gave me an orchid when a family member died.

I can’t keep plants alive to save my life. I did everything I could, including watching YouTube tutorials about plant care, and it died a month in. Since then, I’ve been gifted five other plants (four pre-Covid) by various coworkers and my boss. After the first one died, I’ve made many jokes about how I’m like the kiss of death to plants, yet they continue.

Last week, I was given a cactus that is now also on its way to death. It doesn’t help that I’m in a cube with no access to direct sunlight.

Short of not accepting the plants, how can I get them to save the plants by not giving them to me?

  Nov 30, 2023

My question was low stakes, and my update is as well. To answer your question on why everyone was giving me plants, my boss and most of my team were all middle-aged women who just really love plants. My boss had a garden of plants in her office, and I think assumed that since they brought her joy that they’d bring everyone joy. Her love of plants rubbed off on the team. Plus, in many situations they’re easy to give as gifts, especially in a situation like mine: I have several severe food allergies and intolerances, so when people would normally get a cake or something, I got plants.

My plant killing days are behind me now. Due to reasons entirely separate from the plants, I left the old job in mid-2022. Before I left (and with a lot of help), I kept a succulent alive long enough that it had many plant babies. I repotted those and gave one to each team member on my last day, which they all loved. The original plant died a week after I left, in a surprise to no one.

At my new job, my coworkers asked if I wanted a plant early on for my desk. I told them “only if they want to watch the plant die over the course of a few weeks” and they laughed and never asked again. I admire my coworkers plants from a distance, and I decorate my desk with pictures of my dog.

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Wife poachers in the lifestyle

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: Manipulation

  May 2, 2024

We went to a lifestyle event and met up with a couple that introduced us to the lifestyle. We’ve played with them on about 3 occasions and it’s been all girl-girl while the male half’s play with their own… very minimal interaction between male and female from the other couple. They kept telling us they understood we were not looking for a full swap and that we did not intend on going beyond what we had already done. While we were at the event (5 nights at a lifestyle friendly resort) we spent a lot of time with them and a few other couples. On one night right before dinner I overheard the wife telling another couple that she couldn’t wait to see her husband fucking my wife. I asked what she said and she quickly back tracked and changed her statement to “my fantasy is to see you and my husband tag teaming your wife”. I brushed it off and moved along. After dinner I pulled her asaid and reminded her that what she wanted was not our dynamic. She said “oh I know don’t worry. I was just playing… but wouldn’t you want to see it happen” I reiterate that it’s not where my wife and I are at in our journey.

Later in the night we were at the night club in a group of about 4-5 couples. I stepped away from the group to grab some shots at the bar and when I came back that couple had my wife pulled in close. This was nothing new and I didn’t think much of it so I started talking with the rest of the group. Then I see that the other wife pushed my wife into her husband as to make them kiss and then she jumped in to set up a 3 way kiss. It didn’t last very long at all because my wife pulled back and walked away. It bothered me because it felt a little sneaky on their end to pull my wife in while I was away from the group (before anyone tells me it’s my wife’s responsibility to stay within our rules, she knows that and we have already discussed her wrong doing and role in this situation) we have known this couple for about a year and they always seemed so respectful and understanding that while it bothered me I didn’t want to make a big deal. I told my wife, she apologized and I said I’m going to the bathroom… I need a second. She stayed with the rest of the group.

When I got back the couple that pulled her in said they were tired and wanted to go to bed, we said bye and they left. My wife then tells me… as soon as you walked away they came to ask if you got upset at them, she told them I was bothered that they pulled her in for a kiss while I was away from the group. And that I just wondered if it was bad timing or if it was done on purpose.

The other couple’s response to her was, if he is already mad at you don’t let him fuck up your night, just come hang out in our room. We can listen to music and have a few more drinks. My wife said absolutely not and they told her that she would be ok and that I was probably just picking a fight so I can go hookup with another woman.

Obviously at this point I started to think back on the whole situation and found so many red flags I missed along the way…..

1. His wife always felt stand offish when we all hung out. She was never flirty with any other guy

2. Kept telling my wife that she would love getting fucked by another guy

3. Repeatedly asked if I was ok if my wife played with another guy

4. What situation would I prefer, my wife fucking a guy I know or a complete stranger

5. He made several comments to my wife about wanting to fuck her.

6. His wife would only be flirty with my when they were inviting us out to hang out but when we would see each other her demeanor would change.

7. There is another couple they played with that all of a sudden stopped coming around. In that couple we always saw the wife kissing and flirting with this husband but this wife never showed any playfulness towards the other husband.

Am I looking at this wrong? Should I not feel like they were trying to pull my wife away?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Chemical-Ad1978

There's a lot wrong here but the part where they tried to turn your wife against you is super fucked up. Those people are complete trash and should be outed as such. They broke boundaries which you had clearly set and then used you being upset (which was totally valid) to try to get your wife back to their room by baselessly claiming you were probably trying to fuck another woman. Glad you and your wife stood your ground here, but people like that suck. The worst part is no one probably knows how shitty they are because they put on such a nice persona. I'd steer clear of them and probably anyone they call friends.

OOP

I spoke to a couple we met through them and shared what happened.. the wife from that couple told us that they’ve never played with them because something has always felt a little off. They never had a bad experience with them, but it’s probably because they’ve never played with them.

OOP When told his wife played it right

I think she allowed herself to be placed in a tricky situation.. when the other wife told her to kiss the husband while I was away we feel after talking that she should have said “let’s wait for him to get back with the drinks so we can get okay started and maybe head back to the room” but she didn’t do that. She was told to kiss the husband and she went for it. When it turned into the 3 way she allowed it for a couple seconds “to not be rude” and then backed up and walked over to me.

Her reaction to the situation was the right one. But she could have avoided it all together.

I told her that I don’t hold it against her, I was bothered with the situation and just wanted her to understand that we can’t hold things like that against each other. Mistakes will be made specially since we are still new to the LS so we need to learn and grow from them.

OOP explaining poachers

I’ll agree with you on the fact that people do things out of their own free will. However, poachers are those who attempt to pull a couple apart using dishonest tricks and manipulation. They pry on couples and earn their trust when knowing their goal is not inline with what that couple has said they are comfortable with.

Had my wife decide she wanted to go along with their game then it would not be an issue about them but an issue within my relationship.

  May 17, 2024

Update to this post

This couple has reached out to us quite often since we last dealt with them. After letting go by and allowing myself to calm down, I finally decided to respond to them and let them know why we have been avoiding them and would no longer see them again.

I explained how wrong it was of them to do what they did and that my wife and I care more about our own relationship then making somebody else’s fantasies come true the husband tried to explain that it was not their intention to drive a wedge between us and that they offered her to go back to the room it was not sexual, but to make sure she didn’t feel like she done something wrong. he tried to tell me that he considered me a good friend and he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me or upset me. He kept asking for us to meet so we can try to clear the air, but they wanted to treat us to dinner and talk things out.

First responded very defensive and said that we were the ones in the wrong for insinuating that they tried to come between us y to come between us. She then called me the next day (which is weird because we never talk one on one) she started apologizing and telling me that the only reason they tried to pull her in while I wasn’t there was to see if they can get her to loosen up so that the four of us can go back to the room for playtime. She kept telling me how intimate she was and that she didn’t want our friendship to end. The only thing she was trying to accomplish was for my wife to finally let go of her inhibition and allow the four of us to swap because she like my wife wants that but is holding herself back because of me. She tried to assure me that she had every intention on making it a full swap situation, and that she wishes my wife wouldn’t have walked away, and that I would have joined them so that the four of us could have started, kissing, touching and going back to the room.

I let her get everything off her chest and then told her that she was full of shit. That was truly what she wanted, it was still wrong because we made it clear. We were not looking for a full swap. Her goal was to convince my wife for the four of us to full swap. It should have been done with a conversation between the four of us and not a plan that her and her husband came up with to attack my wife while I was not there.

At the end, I told him not to reach out to us anymore because their invitations were going to fall on deaf ears. We have sense blocked them on social media and block their numbers so they don’t reach out to us again..

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I am not The OOP, OOP is

Meeting my 16 year old son for the VERY first time tomorrow.

Originally posted to

Aug 25, 2023

Hey All,

To make a long story short, 17 years ago, my GF at the time came to me and informed me that she was pregnant. We were in the process of splitting up when we found out. She already had one child (from another gentleman) and was undecided about her next moves, but it was LIKELY that she was moving back with her parents to get some life things sorted. Her parents are approx. 14 hours away.

We discuss options and what each of us would like with respects to the child. It was agreed upon that our number one intent was to provide the child with a safe and stable household in which to grow up. Adoption was the direction we were leaning.

Fast forward about 6 months into the pregnancy. She makes the decision to get back together with her first Childs father and to attempt to repair that relationship. We discussed what would happen with the Childs upbringing and that Father 1 would be willing to accept full responsibility for the child and would accept him as if he were Father 1's own.

Fast forward again to the child being around 1 year old. I receive a phone call from the Childs mother asking if I would like to meet, just her and I to discuss things and catch up. I agree. We meet and catch up. She gives me a couple of photos from the first year life. I am also informed that the move back to be closer to the mothers parents is happening at the end of that month.

The only other contact that was made was approx. 5 years ago, when I got an email with an updated email address for the mother. No other details were provided.

One final fast forward to Sunday of last week. I receive a notification that the Childs mother would like to connect with me via LinkedIn. It is of note that neither of us keep any real social media presence as neither of us really see a point to it.

Accept the invitation and get a message via linked in:

Hi (Whynz),

I apologize for seeking you out through your business, but this was the only way I could find to contact you.

This must be a bit of a surprise to hear from me out of the blue. I hope you are well!

(Childs name here) is 16 years old. He has been asking questions about his birth father and genetics…I think he would like to meet you.

If perhaps you might also be interested, please contact me at (phone number) or (email address).

(I only joined LinkedIn to be able to reach you)

If, you have concerns or would not like to meet, I would still appreciate a short reply, just so I know you received this message.

Again, I hope this finds you well:)

(Mother's name)

I am completely shaken at this point. I have ebbed and flowed on a desire to reach out for YEARS, but have not done so as I have not wanted to overstep and deeply value a 2 parent household, not a 2 parent household + another parent (with or without spouse) on the side. I reach out to the mother via phone and we have a short but pleasant conversation. They are living about 45 minutes away and have been for about the last 12~ years.

We agree to meet for a coffee and to catch up (again) the following day (Monday). We talked for about 5 hours, I saw many photos, heard about the Childs upbringing, his successes, his failures, some funny stories, ALL of the things that a parent would like to hear about their child.

At the end of the meeting, I am asked if I would like to meet the child, at a restaurant somewhere close to the middle of the two of our places on Saturday (tomorrow). I agree to this and am now approx. 16 hours away from this meeting.

I am going to be completely honest...I am freaking out over here. After feeling like I had failed my first (and only) child, I chose to get a vasectomy as I never wanted to feel that level of guilt and failure ever again. There were many times that I felt like I was never EVER going to have the opportunity to meet my child and I have done a lot of work to "make peace" with that thought.

How do I even approach this situation at this point? I am over the moon excited to meet my child for the first time, however, I still have such incredible feelings of guilt and failure. I have concerns for the unknown. Will the meeting be a positive one? Am I simply going there to get shredded by a teenager with an axe to grind or an otherwise negative disposition towards a father that was not there for him? As mentioned above, I have never had children, I don't know HOW to parent... I recognize that is still very much not my role, but that doesn't change the fact that I have no idea what I am doing, even in this meeting tomorrow.

Any thoughts and opinions are very welcome.

EDIT 1: changed a couple words for clarity.

EDIT 2: It is now 2:45pm Eastern and I am just about to walk in. I have read a lot of the comments and thank all of you for the words of encouragement and advice. My stomach is in knots and I am still in a relative state of panic/stress. Regardless, here we go! I will post again (likely tomorrow) with how everything goes. This has received so much for love than I anticipated.... Again, thank you all.

Aug 27, 2023

First off, I once again would like to express my sincere, heartfelt thank yous to each and every one of you that sent in such incredibly kind and thoughtful comments. I did not really know what I was expecting as a response when I made the post, but what I got was (for the most part) so incredibly kind and thoughtful. I am truly humbled by the outpouring of support from all over the globe!

For the first time in the better part of a week, I managed to sleep "well" and took advantage of that to "catch up" on some rest. I apologize for the tardiness of this update.

Regardless, here we go:

We met at 3pm eastern yesterday at a "sit down" chain restaurant. When I walked in at 2:45pm, I was standing at the front waiting to speak with the hostess when I saw my ex walking up to me. We spoke briefly and I was informed that my son was sitting at a table close. I was beyond nervous.

We walked over the to table together, it was oriented thus that his back was towards the door. I let his mother lead and she said in her typical calm and gentle voice. "(Child's Name), this is "Whynz"". We exchanged smiles and I sat down across from him. As expected, the tension and nerves were palpable. All parties involved were very much "wired for sound".

We exchanged pleasantries, similar to what anyone would do when meeting someone new for the first time. "Pleasure to meet you", "I have heard many good things about you", "How have you been?". The "How have you been" question sparked a response that I was not necessarily expecting, but probably should have given that this gentleman across from me shares my DNA and therefore I should have known he would also carry my dry/sarcastic sense of humor. "Like recently? or over the past 16 years?" was the response. All I could really do was smile broadly and answer with "whichever you would like to share, or both if that works for you".

We shared a meal, spoke for about 2.5 hours at the restaurant and took some first steps to "catch up". I learned about his love of books, movies, and music. His DEEPLY rooted love of video games, mythology and folk lore. He assuredly had questions about me and my life over the past 16 years, but he was exceptionally kind and gentle in his questioning. I never felt like his intent was to attack, only to probe and to quell his curiosity about "where he came from". Near the end of the meal, there was a pause in conversation and I felt it appropriate to very simply and frankly say "Thank you for reaching out" which was met with a very genuine smile and a "of course" as a response.

We collectively decided to leave the restaurant and walk around a shopping center that was close by (see also: in the same parking lot). We walked and talked for another hour. Very casual conversation, like that of a couple of old friends catching up after an extended absence in each others lives.

The sense of calm and relief that progressively washed over me as we had this conversation was unbelievable. As the meeting came to a conclusion, both my ex and I reinforced that it is greatly the decision of my son if he would like to continue to foster a relationship and that both of us would support, respect, and honor whatever decision that was made. After a moment of reflection, "I think that I would really like that" was uttered.

It is not lost on me that there is a LOT of work to be done and that it is going to take a LONG time to do all that work. I am ready for it. I am honestly willing to do what I need to in order to make this right. I know that he has a lot to unpack, my ex has a lot to unpack and I have a LOT to unpack from this past week. I am simply happy and content with the thought that things are moving in a healthy direction.

We took a picture together before we left. I have it on my phone right now. I am not about to post it for anonymity purposes of my child. But one thing that really stands out to me in the picture is that we have the same damned smile. haha...

The world works in such strange ways, but I am a firm believer that "things will unfold as they are intended to" and this is another step in my walk of life. Come what may. I am here to accept it and work my ass off to cross any hurdle that may show.

Thank you all again.

• Whynz

RELEVANT COMMENTS

theExile05

Thanks for the update. A great story. Maybe another in a few months?

Interesting choice of your ex to introduce you by your Reddit handle. 😉

OOP replied

Deal. I will post again in... lets say end of October/beginning of November? Does that sound fair?

Apologies to many of the other commenters. Trust me, I am reading all of your heartfelt words. I simply am more of a "wallflower" than anything and observe SIGNIFICANTLY more than I participate. A trait that is also shared with my son from what I have heard and witnessed. <3

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7