I am NOT OOP, OOP is

to

Do doctors laugh at patients? I am worried about seeing doctor about my second pair of eyes. - May 13, 2024

Triggers Warnings: mental illness, hospitalization.

Mood spoilers: ends well

22F taking geodon 160 mg and trileptal 600 mg. I have developed a​ hidden second pair of eyes behind my two visible eyes and I’m not sure if I should go to the doctor for this. I’m really worried about what it means. I’m scared of being laughed at or being told nothing is wrong. I know something’s wrong, I will just need x rays to prove it but I’m scared of being laughed at and I’m scared of the x rays showing nothing because I know something is there.

Relevant comments:

(physician): We won't laugh at this, but it would generate concern. I have to be honest this sounds more like a fixed delusion, you don't give your medical history but probably there is underlying schizoaffective or similar disorder. If the second eyes were visible, others would be able to see them either with their eyes or imaging. While they feel very real to you, that does not mean they are physically present.

This certainly should be discussed with your physician as these delusions can cause a great deal of distress and can be treated.

(paramedic): I remember you from last year when your eyes merged - back then no one laughed at you when you had this problem, so you can absolutely go to the doctor with this. Not sure if they will give you an x-ray but they surely can solve your issue, so don't hesitate to go. All the best.

Also for the readers: Please do not downvote her comments, her responses are all part of her medical issue.

OOP: Yeah, my eye issues went away for a while and then came back, it’s just a​ different issue this time. I’ll go in the morning. I don’t mind the downvotes because I know people think I’m crazy but thanks for sticking up for me.

OOP: I don’t know the cause but I know something similar has happened to me before where my eyes were turning into one eye, or my pupils become divine shapes and turn blue when I’m having a divine thought.

I have been having double vision for a few months and when I went to the doctor they said it was probably just dehydration and gave me fluids but they didn’t do an x ray of my head. And I realized yesterday that I’ve been seeing out of these new eyes instead of my old ones. I booked an appointment to the optometrist because I thought it was a normal eye issue until I realized. I’ve had weird eye issues like this in the past that other people didn’t believe.

OOP: I don’t know if there’s any hope for me.

The last time I went to the ER for my eyes they just told me I was dehydrated and gave me fluids and this time they’ll do the same thing even though I’ve been drinking enough water, 8 cups a day, I’ve been doing well, I don’t know what to do now and I’m scared of going to the doctor and no one is believing me, they all think I’m fucking psychotic and I’m not (EDITOR: emphasis added). They’ll just send me to the hospital again without doing any scans and nothing will even show up on a scan. I’m so frustrated and tired and sick of the whole medication game. I don’t understand why I can’t just be normal and go on with my life like other people my age. why do I have to have these weird insane problems no one even believes?

(Physician - Psychiatry): Please tell me more about the divine experiences- what is a divine thought? It sounds intense. How are your thoughts normally?

Do you have any close family or friends (or other people you trust) that you have or could talk to about these concerns?

OOP: My thoughts normally are just regular people thoughts. Like the kind you or someone else might have. Divine thoughts sometimes don’t belong to me or they happen because a divine figure wanted me to think it. They feel good but sometimes they’re scary. But I have a feeling you knew that already.

I don’t remember how much I’ve told my family.

(Physician): What do you take the geodon and trileptal for? Are you having double vision or blurry vision? Any headaches?

OOP: Yes to both blurry eyes and double vision. No headaches though. I thought I was taking the meds for mental illness but I’m now realizing there was no mental illness and the meds have been poisoning me. I’m cured and being poisoned. I’m not sure how to bring this up to the psychiatrist I am seeing. He always dismisses my concerns.

(Physician): Ok, I understand and I know you must feel scared right now! The double/blurry vision has me concerned as well and I think you should go to an ER and tell them what is going on. In addition, you should try to get a hold of your psychiatrist in the morning and speak to them about your medications, because if you have abruptly stopped your medications you could be experiencing symptoms similar to ones you are experiencing. It seems like it is causing you a lot of distress so I would try to get in touch with a doctor as soon as possible.

OOP: Thanks. I will. And I didn’t stop my medications even though I want to.

(not verified as healthcare professional): I am proud of you for asking for help. I hope you are giving yourself grace and care, OP.

OOP: Thanks, I’m trying to.

- May 18, 2024

22F. I was having a psychotic episode and went to the hospital shortly after making that post. I’m stabilized and my brain feels a lot more clear now, and I recognize that I don’t actually have any extra eyes. I’m not back to 100% quite yet but I’m getting there. Thanks to everyone who was nice to me in helping me figure out what was going on.

Relevant comment:

OOP: My friend convinced me to go. It was pretty much blind faith in her. Without my support system I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital at all. I was having a lot of paranoia around doctors.

They gave me zyprexa at first to stabilize me. That shit is like a wonder drug.

The main reason I even had a psychotic episode was because I wasn’t eating enough food for my geodon to work. Once I was eating the hospital dinners it kicked back in pretty fast since it was already in my system. While I was in the hospital my paranoia and hallucinations gradually declined over four days, but with the delusion it was like an on/off switch got flipped around day 3.

As this episode seems to have ended, I'm marking this as concluded. I want to note what drew me to this post: OOP is completely coherent and rational, despite some of the irrational things she's saying. I'm so happy she has a good support system and was willing and able to get help! Also, basically all the comments were exceptionally kind and caring.

EDIT: After posting, it occurred to me that I should have asked permission before posting this, as OOP was in an especially vulnerable place. I reached out to OOP and apologized, and asked if she'd like me to delete the post. She graciously allowed me to keep the post up, saying "I love BORU!" Thanks, OOP! All the best!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My sister slept with my boyfriend and I sent her a really cruel message that I don't regret at all

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

Triggers Warnings: infidelity, manipulation, entitlement

: February 2, 2024

Sorry but this post will have A LOT of bad energy and I'm terrible at writing in English so If anyone is going to read the post, I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors that are likely to be in the post. :P

So a few days ago I (F25) found out that my sister (24f) has been sleeping with my boyfriend (now ex, 25m. We dated for three years) for one year or probably more.

They always had a close relationship but I obviously took it as something innocent, I don't like video games but my sister does so they talked a lot by text and I thought it was about games they like until I found out that no, they talked a lot about their secret dates while I was working and in college, I found pictures, videos and a lot of other disgusting things in the chats between my ex and my sister. My pathetic sister found pleasure in asking my pathetic ex all the time if she's smarter or prettier than me, she even compared our private parts, wth (We're both pretty, she's actually thinner and prettier than me and even if she's an introvert she has her group of friends so I really don't understand where she got so much venom towards me, our parents never compared us or anything like that and she was always the one asking my ex to compare both of us in the chats.)

The first thing I did was throw all my ex-boyfriend's things out of the apartament, I insulted him in a thousand ways and I kept the PC that I gave him for Christmas.

I didn't speak a single word to my sister for over a week and she didn't contacted me like the coward she is until yesterday when she sent me a message trying to justify herself by saying that it was a mistake (Yes, a mistake that lasted more than a year) and that I should forgive her because we're sisters and blah blah blah at one point I thought "Should I be the mature person in the situation who doesn't let resentment speak for her?" but then I realized that I've never been that kind of person. I took my phone and wrote a long message to my sister that I would love to write here but I am sure that I would break the rules since I called her out in every possible way and I wrote a lot of personal things too, I told her how much of a failure she is and how she has always envied me and that's why she needed to feel what it's like to be me for a second of her sad life.

She sended me a voice massage crying and saying that she's in a very weak moment mentally (but she's still with him, lmao) and I shouldn't make her feel worse and that she regrets it, I just reacted to her message with this emoji 😂 and didn't even heard the long voice message until the end.

Was it a low thing to attack her with all her flaws? Yes, but it's lower to betray your sister and believe that she's going to forgive you just because you share blood with her.

Honestly, I feel really good after sending her that message and feel that it was Therapeutic to take out everything I feel to give closure to that.

Btw I've never used a PC for gaming but I'm looking for tutorials on YouTube about how to download the SIMS.

I helped my sister in every moment of her life, I literally fought for her when she was being bullied during High school, I helped her thousands of times to make friends, I even accompanied her everywhere she wanted, it is a betrayal that really hurts and I will never forgive, never. It hurts me that she slept with someone I loved, but it hurts me a lot all the things I read in those chats, how she enjoyed watching him compare me to her or how she asked him about personal things about our relationship just to laugh at it. She's dead to me and my parents knows it.

I don't even care if I'm a bad person like them, this is something I can't forgive and I don't even feel bad for my reaction.

Edit: I posted half of the message

Relevant Comments

OOP on her parents’ reaction of the relationships between her sister and her boyfriend

OOP: My mother was disgusted and my father was angry but they only comforted me until I left their house, I don't know what they talked to my sister about afterwards and I don't want to ask but they will probably cut contact with her.

She just said that it was a mistake and in the voice message she only talked about how weak she feels mentally and that she has been having anxiety attacks even though I didn't heard the full audio because it lasts +4 minutes and I was getting even more pissed off with her just wanting to be the victim so i stopped the audio almost in the end.

She never explained why she said all those ugly things about me because everything was about her having "anxiety attacks"

: February 2, 2024

Thank you for all the nice comments you left me! Many wrote to me with tips for the sims and I'm really grateful, thanks for the game recommendations even though I'm really bad at playing action game, The last action game I played was Resident Evil 4 on the PS2 long time ago and it was because I had a crush with Leon Kennedy (he would never cheat on me btw).

As a token of appreciation (And because I also like it when the op uploads the whole gossip), I will put here half of the message I sent to my sister.

The message I sent her was really long and I cut out the parts where I talk about very private things or when I insulted her to not make the post too uncomfortable because I was really hurt and angry at that moment and I talked about many personal things in the text. I will put the copy of the message in the end if someone talks Spanish. I'm sorry if it sounds weird in English, I did my best to translate it and I had to remove a lot of parts.

"I'm not interested in hearing any of your excuses, I believed you when a problem she had with her ex-friend group happened because I really trusted that you would never do something like that but now I understand why everyone leaves you alone and you deserve it.

What you did to me is a shit and you know it but you didn't care because you spent a year being the whore of ex name without any shame and now that I found out everything you went days without talking to me because you are a coward and on top of that you still don't care about what you did to me, You're only talking to me because Dad probably stopped talking to you and you're running out of money, so you want to fix this shit so he gives you money again. You were always an asshole but don't you think it's a lot to be my boyfriend's second woman? How little respect do you have for yourself? We're sisters, I don't even know what's going on in your head because I don't understand what's wrong with you. Girl, I read all the messages between you and you even started comparing our bodies, YOU'RE SICK.

You know that I never did anything for you to do this to me and I loved you. But everything turned out really well for you because he's with you so enjoy that feeling and the love you two have for the other for now because you are going to be really lonely later and you are going to go back to your cave but this time I am not going to be there to pity you like everytime I did before.

Stay with him, there's nothing that interests me less than fighting for an idiot who is surely going to leave you but let me make it clear to you that you're not going to hear about me again, this dies here, we are not sister's anymore. If I see you on the street then I'm going to cross to the opposite sidewalk to not see you."

(Editor’s note: OOP’s original message in Spanish)

"No me interesa escuchar ninguna de tus excusas, yo te creí cuando pasó lo de a problem she had with her ex-friend group porque de verdad confié en que vos nunca harías algo así pero ahora entiendo por qué todos te dejan sola y te lo mereces.

Lo que me hiciste es una cagada y vos lo sabes pero no te importó porque estuviste un año siendo la trola de ex name sin ninguna vergüenza y ahora que me enteré de todo estuviste días sin hablarme porque sos re cagona y encima te sigue sin importar lo que me hiciste, solamente me estás hablando porque papá seguramente te cortó el rostro y te estás quedando sin plata así que querés arreglar tu cagada para que te vuelvan a depositar. Siempre fuiste una pelotuda fracasada pero no te parece un montón rebajarte a ese nivel de ser la segunda de mi novio? Tan poco respeto te tenés a vos misma? Somos hermanas, no sé ni que está pasando por tu cabeza porque posta no entiendo que te pasa. Flaca, leí todos los mensajes entre ustedes y te ponías a comparar nuestros cuerpos, estás re enferma.

Vos sabes que yo nunca te hice nada para que vos me hagas esto y te re quería, igual te salió re bien porque el está con vos así que disfruta por ahora ese amor que se tienen porque después te vas a quedar sola de verdad y vas a volver a tu cueva pero esta vez no voy a estar yo para tenerte lastima como siempre hice antes.

Quédate con el, no hay nada que me interese menos que pelear por un idiota que seguramente te va a dejar pero que te quede claro que de mi no vas a volver a escuchar, acá muere, no somos más hermanas y si te veo en la calle me cruzo de vereda."

Edit: Yes, I'm from Argentina :)

: May 17, 2024

They broke up nobody's surprised

When all of this happened my parents scolded my sister and she got offended and didn't speak to our parents except to ask them for money, she asked them for money to buy things for her career but then my aunt told my parents that my sister actually used that money to buy my ex some sneakers.

My parents never gave her any money from that day on, she's an idiot tbh. My parents started to pay for us to go to a private college and the only thing we have to do is literally STUDY, The only thing she had to do was take her studies seriously but she didn't, so my father got tired and hasn't sent her money for months.

My ex discovered the post because he said it went viral in Facebook and obviously he recognized the story, he contacted me to apologize and said he knows he did wrong by hurting me like that but my sister 'manipulated him' and it was a total mistake, I told him he can shove his apologies in the ass.

Meanwhile, my sister and I have only crossed paths a few times, but she always avoids me because she thinks I'm going to hit her (I won't). We're not going to the same career so we luckily don't see each other too much

Anyway, a few days ago she went to our parents' house saying that she broke up with my ex (idk why) And that she felt really sad and had an anxiety attack, I don't know exactly what they talked about since I wasn't there but my mother told me that she told my sister that she knew what was going to happen when she slept with him and my sister justified herself by saying that 'They're in love' so my mother and her just argued again and my sister left. Now she doesn't talk to anyone in the family except our grandmother to ask for money, I know my sister is not going to change her bad habits and she didn't learn anything from this, I even think she will get together with my ex again because they're just toxic with each other but it's her life to ruin, not mine and I don't care anymore.

The bright side: I sold the pc to a guy from reddit that saw my post and that really saved me from having to keep paying the dues, unfortunately I didn't get to play The Sims much but I prefer the extra money. My ex had told me that he wanted the pc back but I told him that then he should pay the remaining dues AND HE SAID NO, so the idiot wanted the pc for free even though he slept with my sister. 🥴

The weird side: There are YouTubers who are literally charging their subscribers to read the post or other reddit posts, tf, at least give me a share of the profits.

I'm know it's a boring update and probably everyone wanted that the update was my sister begging for forgiveness and my ex suffering but no, they are just two idiots who deserve each other and nothing more happened but even today I received a message asking me for an update, haha.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she forgives her sister and her boyfriend

OOP: I'm going to go ahead and not forgive them, I can do both at the same time.

And no, I don't forgive my sister and i don't want her to forget this AND I don't want to see her again. In a few years I'll remember these two idiots and laugh, but that doesn't mean they deserve my forgiveness.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 18th May 2024

- 23rd May 2024

I caught my husband cheating on me with his stepsister...

I just need a place to let this out.

Last week, I (29F) caught my husband Jack (30M) cheating on me with his stepsister Claire (24F).

I went out with a friend last Saturday and planned to stay at her house. Jack didn't want to be alone all night, so he said he'd just go hangout with his stepsister (they've always been close), and they ended up going to a bar.

I was feeling unwell and just wanted my bed, so I decided to get an Uber and head home.

I was not expecting to walk in on them having sex on the couch... I literally threw up on the floor by the front door.

They told me they were drunk and it just kinda happened. I screamed at them both to leave. Jack refused to leave and refused to sleep on the couch, so I ended up leaving anyways and went back to my friend's.

I am still in shock that he actually slept with Claire. I think I'm gonna file for a divorce. I am so overwhelmed and uncomfortable.

Has anyone else gone through this? Please message me if so, I feel very alone and confused. Also, do I tell their parents that's why we're gonna get a divorce?! I've been isolating myself a lot because of this.

Comments

colliewolliee

Wow. I am so sorry OP. Definitely tell their parents.

I’m curious, how long have they been step siblings?

OOP: Their parents got married when he was 10 and she was 4... It makes me kinda sick that they've been in each other's lives since they were young and could actually do this. They've always said they consider themselves as full siblings, so this is really disturbing.

mgck4

They probably said that to throw you off. Sorry, they’ve probably been doing this for a very long time.

I-AcceptYouAll

omg yes.

OP, Tell EVERYONE exactly why you ARE filing for divorce. Don’t say “I think I’m going to file for divorce”, DO IT. This is beyond disgusting to me too, the ages they came into each other’s lives is too damn young, might as well really be full siblings. They’re nasty ass people. Drinking is not an excuse.

Update - 5 days later

I wanted more information on how long it’s been going on and at what age it started, so I decided to text Claire. I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone if she answered my questions. She agreed to tell me everything.

I asked her when they first had sex. At first she told me it was their first time, but I told her I’m not believing that, she then confessed that their first time was right before she turned 18… I am so disgusted and extremely concerned.

Then I asked her if it’s still been happening since then, and she said no. She explained that they did it when she was 17, and never did it again until last week. I don’t think I can trust her though. Idk.

She also told me that Jack is the one who initiated sex, but who knows if that’s the truth, it very well could be though.

Jack and I have been together for 5 years (married for 2). We were gonna start trying for a baby soon, so I’m crushed. I wasted so many years of my life with this man, idk who he even is right now.

I lied to Claire though. I 100% planned on telling their parents. Some of you say that it would be wrong to do so, but because it happened when she was 17, I felt like they needed to know, and deal with it however they choose.

They didn’t believe me at first, until I showed them the screenshots of mine and Claire’s conversation. They still seem to be in denial a little bit, I don’t blame them though.

I told them I’m filing for divorce and that I am moving on with my life. They gave me a hug and said they’d speak to both of them, but I told my MIL that I didn’t wanna know anything else, and to please let me live in peace. She’s gonna respect that.

I more than likely won’t have more updates, but I wanted everyone to know that I’m for sure getting a divorce and gonna find a therapist because I’m depressed and need the support to move on.

Thank you to everyone who was kind and gave me advice and support.

Comments

Actual-Offer-127

Good luck to you! I wish you nothing but the best. Does stbx feel any remorse at all?

OOP: Nope. He’s being very cold towards me and refuses to leave the house so I’ve been staying with my friend.

mak_zaddy

Do you both own the house? Of course he’s cold because his secret is out. Tell everyone honestly.

OOP: Yes, we both own the house unfortunately so that’s just something else we gotta figure out, this is so annoying and awful to go through, I hate this.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to +

Thanks to for the suggestion

AITA for serving my guests disgusting food? + 18 Months Update

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, bigotry, possible racism

: November 11, 2022

I was at the butcher looking for some cheap meat to use for tacos at my housewarming party. My wife got me a kick-ass new smoker and I wanted to try it out.

The butcher mentioned that he had some beef tongue and beef cheeks. I went weak in the knees. I love those cuts of beef. So much flavour. And proper barbacoa is made from that.

So I picked it up. I prepared it the way I was taught by my grandfather. It was awesome. Smoking it makes it so tender.

I made tortillas from scratch as well.

We had our party and everyone enjoyed the food. Until my wife's brother's girlfriend asked for the recipe. I declined because it was my family recipe and I don't like to give away recipes. I have in the past and I end up getting crapped on because it doesn't taste as good and I must have sabotaged them on purpose. No Madison I didn't sabotage you. You used cinnamon powder in your chili instead of a couple of cinnamon sticks like I said.

My wife told me to please play nice and share. So I wrote out the recipe for the girl.

She immediately starts dry heaving like she is going to hurl. My brother-in-law comes over to see what's going on. She screams that I served dog food for supper.

So everyone starts asking what she means and she starts waving the recipe around and saying that beef cheeks and tongues are what she buys for dog snacks.

No one else complains. They all say she is being ridiculous and that the meal was great.

She is left there crying and being comforted by my brother-in-law.

Now she is flaming me on Facebook calling me names and saying that just because I ate peasant food growing up is no reason to feed it to others.

I feel kind of guilty because I thought I was doing a nice thing making authentic food. But I guess I might be an asshole for serving cuts of meat that Americans don't think is fit for human consumption?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Relevant Comments

sunfloweries:

just because I ate peasant food growing up is no reason to feed it to others

this is such a weird thing to say. where is she from? what's the socioeconomic makeup of this group of people?

OOP: I'm from Guatemala. I guess she is from Oregon, I never asked. All of us are professionals of some sort or another. My wife's family is from Portland.

OOP on everyone else who has eaten the tacos

OOP: I have eaten barbacoa tacos with everyone who was there that day. I told them up front that they were barbacoa tacos. Go look up what barbacoa is.

AryaIsWaif: NTA

Repeat this until it takes hold: "I am not responsible for others' lack of epicurean taste."

Beef cheeks are literally a delicacy. Tongue, while not specifically a delicacy, has good flavor and a unique (but not gross) texture. It isn't like you fed them tripe. Thankfully, most of them acknowledged that it tasted amazing. You don't need the one idiot in your life.

"peasant food" makes me laugh. I LOVE oxtail, but I can't afford it any more because the "foodies" have discovered it.

: May 18, 2024 (18 months later)

I posted a while ago about serving dog food to the woman my brother in law eventually married. Wendy hasn't changed much since then. She did shut up after she went to a few different taco places and they all told her what proper barbacoa is.

So anyway now whenever we have people over I always prepare a meal specially for her. Usually just plain unseasoned meat (other than salt and pepper, I'm not a monster) plain green salad with ranch on the side, and a plain starch like a baked potato or white rice.

I do not limit her to this food. I just always have it available in case she finds something offensive about the other food I make.

We recently hosted a dinner party that included my wife's brother and his wife. We also had some new friends over. Thea, the wife, asked if my sister in law had allergies since she was eating plain roast chicken breast with the aforementioned sides. She was worried about cross contamination since there was a lot of other food there I guess. Thea is a teacher and is hyper vigilant about food allergies.

This lead to Wendy explaining that I use cuts of meat that she did not grow up eating and that I refuse to tell her what is in the food I make.

This is a fact. I learned my lesson. I make food my friends and family enjoy. If I use an ingredient that may be against a dietary restriction I make it clear. For example if I serve pork I let everyone know. I also will answer any questions about allergens.

My sister in law says that I insist on feeding her the most bland food possible. I pointed at the salsa verde on her food and asked her if it needed more serranos.

The whole story came out and Wendy was embarrassed again. I don't think it was my fault. I have been passive aggressively been making sure she cannot complain about my cooking.

My wife says that maybe it's time to stop making a separate meal for Wendy. I said she is lucky I don't serve her dino nuggets and lunchables.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple redditors on why he might or might not choose to tell his guests what is in the food

OOP: I say if it's beef, pork, chicken, iguana (jk), or whatever. I just do not specify the cut. I have even served huitlacoche to my friends in tamales. It's a fungus like mushrooms. Americans call it corn smut. I tell them it's a fungus.

Do you tell all your guest all the ingredients in your cooking? If you make cookies with synthetic vanilla extract do you tell them it's beaver anus?

Nedstarkclash: OP, did she really call your tacos "peasant food?" I sometimes feel the reddit posts are fake because they contain such outlandish details.

OOP: Yup. My family is from the more rural part of Mexico.

petulafaerie_III:

I do not limit her to this food.

So… you’re making a meal for everyone that she’s welcome to participate in, but also preparing a second meal just for her in case she does not like the main fare? That’s incredibly thoughtful and polite of you. If she’s embarrassed about eating the special meal, she doesn’t have to eat it.

NTA

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Account is now suspended

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates -Medium

- 7th May 2024

- 8th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

I gave my husband an ultimatum, quit his job or I'm leaving

Let's preface by saying that I love him, I don't want to leave him but I can't keep seeing the man I love killing himself for a company that doesn't value him.

My husband got promoted to Sales Director last year, and we were very happy about it at first. But then his life (and my own) became hell. The company is struggling and is dealing with numerous lawsuit from clients. My husband knew nothing of this when he was brought on as Director.

He works every single fucking day from 8AM and comes home late, even past midnight. Often he works full Saturdays as well. He has lost weight and his hair is already graying. One night he didn't come back home and I panicked. I called his company and they wouldn't tell me where he was. He reached out to me around midday and I learned he had been hospitalized for heart palpitations. Doctors advise him to take more exams because he risks an heart attack.

He is just 36 but looks ten years older. His company uses and abuses him (I heard him talking to his bosses on phone calls, the way those people talk to him...) and he is too beaten down to leave. I'm friend with his deputy director (funny thing, I suspected they were having an affair at first, but she became a great friend for me) and she's actively looking to leave.

We tried to drill this into my husband, to no avail. I have been polite, I have been rude, now I'm just done. I don't want to watch him die.

I gave him the ultimatum: quit this fucking job or I am gone. He is worried about the money, but I work and I can be the breadwinner while he recuperates and looks for a new job. He seemingly took me seriously but for now has not quit, he has taken sick days. And he has really fallen sick now.

I can't take this anymore. I love this man, and I am watching him kill himself for people that wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

Comments

littlescreechyowl

As someone whose husband is literally driving 9 hours today to come home and go on a mental health leave, please make him step away. Money is great, but losing your life to a career is tragic. I was certain his was either going to have a heart attack or something. My husband has spent the last 2 1/2 years working 18 hours a day, getting no support from his boss or his boss’s boss. He spent 6 months thinking he was getting fired and has been absolutely wrecked mentally.

You’re in a good financial position, so you’re very fortunate to have (god I hate saying it) the luxury (for lack of a better word) to have him step away.

OOP: Damn. I hope things are at least a bit better now for your husband. I get what you are saying, and you are right that we have the luxury of keeping him home and live on my job for a while. But he won't step away. So either I leave (and I have this horrible feeling that if I do, next time I see him will be in a hospital bed or worse) or quit his job for him.

littlescreechyowl

He’s got 6 weeks off of paid leave, hopefully he finds something else between now and then. I hope your ultimatum works. It’s a scary position to be in when you love someone but they just won’t listen.

Update - 1 day later

I thought on it and I am convinced that if I leave, he might literally die, so I decided to take the situation in my hands.

Tonight his deputy director came over and we drafted my husband's and her resignations. We decided to not submit them right away, but to use their emails and accounts to find proof of the company's mistreatments and abuses. They had him work 16 hours a day and pressured him to the point of giving him heart problems. Now he has taken sick leave and barely get out of bed, he just sleeps and I have to check he's breathing because at this point I am scared he might die in his sleep.

The doctor said it's just a fever but there's also physical and mental exhaustion, and he needs to rest. I wake him up to get him to drink some water and eat something. I have to help him get up and walk to the bathroom. Tonight I made it clear he is not going back to the job, and he agreed. His deputy director spoke with him too and told him hearsay is that the company is going to collapse and close down by next fall, so they need to get out now.

There's not much to add. I spent the evening with her and we wrote the resignations and went through his emails, but we didn't find much. I broke down a bit and cried on her shoulder, I am so bottled up I needed to let some out.

That's all for now. I wish to thank everyone whom gave me advice and compassion for our situation. I will be taking care of my husband but I am so angry and sad. Those people destroyed the man of my life,I want to be hopeful but I'm not sure he will go back to how he was before.

Wish us luck.

Comments

hey_nonny_mooses

Best wishes that you can both recover from this. He will need to recover his health and figure out why he was complacent in their abuse. You will have to figure out how to trust your husband not to martyr himself again. I hope you can both heal and perhaps get some counseling.

OOP: Thank you. I don't know when or if I'll trust him to have a healthy work life balance. I made it clear to him he's staying home at least for a month now.

Update - 11 days later

Hi, I'm back with what I think will be my last update.

It's over. We didn't find anything against his bosses or the company, so he forwarded his resignation. I wrote it for him, he just changed a couple of things and then sent it. He also requested for his deputy director to collect his things, but he got no answer yet. The only reply he from all the people he CC'd was from one Dyana, who expressed regret at seeing him go, wished him the best and asked if they could set up an exit interview.

I asked his deputy who this Dyana is, and she told me it's the only one of their corporate overlords who treats her employees like actual people, and she thinks it would do no harm to have an exit interview if my husband feels like it.

As for my husband, he's doing better, not much but he has slightly improved. He still sleeps a lot, but I manage to get him out in the garden for some fresh air. I have also booked blood tests and full check-ups for him, just to be sure.

I made it clear to him, I'm keeping him home this summer. We have enough saved up for the rainy days to live comfortably, and I will keep working. Then we'll see. He's a smart man and a very hard worker, I don't doubt he will find a good opportunity in no time.

He's worried and uncertain but I do my best to reassure him and make him feel better. He used to be the rock in our relationship, but now it's my time to step up.

I would like to thank you all for your comments and kindness, on my and my husband's behalf. I know it won't be easy and it will take time, patience and love, but we'll be alright.

Comments

Dramatic-Carry3034

You very likely saved his life. He is a hard worker, who seems to feel responsible for everyone. You making him stop and let you care for him has to be hard but necessary. Good for you, you are doing the right thing in this situation and he will come through this with your care.

OOP: Thank you. Hopefully he will recover, I will do my best.

Unfair_Finger5531

Wonderful news. I remember chatting on the original thread. If I may: please get him to therapy now. Jobs can cause ptsd. He needs to talk to someone about this. You did the right thing and sound like a wonderful partner and friend.

OOP: He had a therapist he used to have sessions with. I suggested we get back in contact with her and see if she can take him back as a patient. She does at home sessions too, would be ideal for us.

ApexCurve

People, especially those in developing countries or Americans, unless you own the company, putting in these sort of hours or allowing these sort of demands is a fool’s errand. They're literally killing themselves for negative marginal returns.

OOP: This. For a period he acted like the company was his own, and I had to remind him he was just a cog in the machine.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Light post

Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy ending

Original : May 17, 2024

My wife (39f) and I (36f) have a daughter (technically my stepdaughter but I’ve raised her since she was 5) (19f) from a previous relationship of my wife’s (her father is not in the picture) who has come back home after her first year at uni. She’s picked up a new (and problematic) issue since she was last home for an extended period of time, surrounding laundry.

Basically, she has established a “boundary” where nobody is to touch her clothes. Her reasoning is that she’s concerned something will go missing/get damaged, thinks it’s just gross for us to go through her stuff, and is an adult who deserves privacy. All fine, we have 3 young children in our home (9f, 9f and 2m) so plenty of washing to keep us entertained.

The issue is that she has a habit of monopolising washing facilities to the extent where we’re effectively prevented from being able to get any other laundry done. For example, last weekend she put a wash in before work and hung it out on the line at around 11am. She then left for work (12pm-10pm) - her wash was dry within an hour, and obviously she wasn’t going to be back all day. We had a few days worth of washing to get through, so my wife (her mum) took everything off the line and folded it. We got through 5 other loads that day.

She was NOT happy when she got home, and said that she’d been very clear that we weren’t to touch her things. When we explained the situation above, she said it was “first come, first served” (not something we’ve ever said) and that since the next day was due to be nice also, we should’ve just waited to get through it the next day. That really pissed us off.

We’ve offered her a weekly laundry day, where we’ll avoid using the machines so she can have freedom to do as she pleases on that day, but she said once a week won’t cut it. Fair enough, but there are 5 other people in the house that need clean clothes/bedding/towels. Other than that all we can really suggest is that she keeps on top of her washing. If she’s at home we’ll ask her to clear her clothes from the machine/dryer/washing line as needed, but like any 19 year old she has a social life/work commitments and is often busy.

She’s upset because she says we’re not respecting her boundaries, whereas we’ve pointed out that while “don’t move my clothes” is objectively reasonable, it’s not fair for her to do so at the inconvenience of everyone else in our home. Essentially the last conversation we had ended up with her in tears because we said as long as situations like Saturday keep occurring, we’ll continue to move her stuff. Just FYI, we do fold her clothes carefully, and leave them in a basket in a communal living area so they’re kept together, in good condition, and we’re not going in and out of her room.

We normally have a good relationship with her, so this is all a bit unusual. We’ve asked her if everything else is okay, and she says yes and seems otherwise normal in and of herself, and she’s normally reasonable so - are we being unreasonable?

EDIT: So the consensus is pretty much that we’re right, and our daughter is being massively unreasonable, and that we’re being pushovers for not being tougher on her from the off. We‘ve shown her the comments, and unfortunately she’s still insisting that we’re the unreasonable ones.

We’d never considered the local laundromat, and have banned her from using our washing machine for the next fortnight given she’s still unwilling to adjust. She‘a absolutely FURIOUS, and wife has ordered a lock for the washroom door to enforce the 2 week rule. Hopefully a couple of weeks hauling her stuff to and from will help her see the light. Thanks very much all!!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: It seems as if she getting "boundary" and "royal edict" confused, because it is quite obvious this girl thinks she's a princess.

When you live with 5 other people, especially small children that can go through a department store's worth of clothes in a day, you don't get to monopolize the laundry facilities. The next time she leaves her laundry on the line and leaves for a 10 hour shift, I would be tempted to pull out the leaf blower, blow all of the clothes off the line, and blame it on the wind.

OOP: Yeah this is what’s really bothering us - the kids can go through SO MUCH STUFF! It’s a really stressful time for everyone as we have temporary custody of SILs son, the 2m, (no fault of her own) so we’re all adjusting and really don’t need this - I’d forgotten how much toddlers get through!!

Commenter: Girly is missing the part of boundaries where it's meant to be "if you do x, I will respond with y". What is her response other than pitching a hissy fit? That's not constructive for anyone.

Moms [editor's note- this was edited by the commenter, but originally the commenter had 'mom and dad'] need to come back with their own boundary - a real one. No one in the house leaves their stuff in the machine/on the line for more than 1 hour past when it's done/dry. If they do, any other member of the household may move the items in order to do their own washing. It follow the 'if x, then y' format with a perfectly reasonable consequence that applies to everyone in the house. It means that even if the parents leave their washing too long, the daughter can move theirs too. I have this rule in my house & it only needed to be crossed once before my roommate figured out I was serious (and that I set alarms when doing my own laundry so I never run afoul of my own rule).

OOP: 100!!! I have explained that this is not a boundary, rather a rule she’s asking us to follow (re our own washer!) but she’s not getting it. 

For now, the washroom ban is in effect, and hopefully she’ll be more amenable after realising that being aware of others is easier than going to a laundrette. 

Also - sorry - but my wife and I are both women haha, 2 mums!

Commenter: What did she do at uni?  Those are almost always shared machines.

OOP: I have NO idea and she’s pretty cagey about it - as the commenter below said, we’re thinking maybe she’s so sore about it because she’s had a few instances of having her stuff dumped out and it’s made her really agitated about it.

Commenter: NTA but if she is crying about this boundary and is advocating so fiercely for it, I imagine something happened regarding her laundry and she is feeling vulnerable.

As an example, the first time I lived on my own, someone I did not know went through my clothing and picked out all of my dirty underwear (they left it in a pile in my room that i never wouldve made). I felt so violated and had no idea who did it or why, and I felt extremely sexualized and vulnerable. All I can imagine is someone looked closely enough at my clean and dirty piles to figure out what underwear was dirty. Did they sniff it? Did they steal some? Did they jack off to it?

OOP: I’ve actually discussed this with her, as something similar happened to me at uni and it really stuck with me. She said no, and I asked her what happened when she left her laundry laying around at uni - little/no response. I think it’s more likely she’s had her things dumped out on the floor or something and is pushing back at us out of frustration. I’m not against therapy, and our 2 younger daughters are actually in therapy now, but I’m not seeing any major trauma here. Thanks for the insight though as it’s really valuable.

OOP (to another commenter asking her if something happened): I cannot stress enough how many conversations we have had about this. Has something happened? Is everything else okay? Is there something she’s worried about? Etc. By no means is this a knee jerk reaction - it’s been almost a month of this and we’re sick of being lectured for using our own washing/drying facilities!

Commenter: INFO: Who washes clothes that often? Does she have like 2 outfits? Is it a germ thing? Is it a safety thing? Seems like odd random behavior to have. Makes me think there's a larger issue.

OOP: I mean she usually does about 3 loads a week, but between bedding/darks/whites I don’t think that’s crazy. 

I think we’re definitely in a difficult place now because we’re already under a lot of stress (2m is not ours, but SILs who we have temporary custody of) and it might be that we went a bit far tonight. I’m a bit at the end of my rope with solutions I guess as it’s just so maddeningly unreasonable!!

OOP (to a different commenter): Zero other signs of OCD - her personal hygiene habits haven’t changed, no other new quirks etc. Just this issue. Thanks though!

One more thought from OOP to a long comment:

Yeah I totally appreciate that she’s somewhat flexing her muscles as a new adult on this, and part of what we’re trying to reiterate is that we’re not treating her like a child by wanting her to be more amenable with this. If my wife was regularly leaving loads in the machine and snapping at me for moving them, I’d have a problem with that too - it’s not a parent/child thing, way more of an adult/adult situation.

Update (Same Post): May 18, 2024 (Next Day)

EDIT 2: A slightly calmer update this morning. Our daughter came to talk to us, and apologised for the situation. She said she had found the transition back home hard (I get that) and had maybe become a bit territorial over her stuff while at uni. All okay. She then asked if she could please have a laundry day, and be allowed to use the machine. Her place of work is closed Mondays, so that’s now “her” day, and we’ve said that she can use the machine on other days - but if by 7am Tuesday there’s anything in the way (or any issues on any other days!) we’ll be moving her stuff. A genuine sorry goes a long way with us, and while the advice has been to hold firm, we don’t really want an issue if the situation can be resolved calmly. We’ve also made it clear that if her things DO have to be moved on any day (other than Monday which is totally hers) and we get ANY grief about it, we’ll go back to a 2 week ban and there’s no going back.

Maybe a less satisfying update than the last one, but we’re happy we can resolve the problem calmly. She did mention she’d read through some of these comments last night, so thank you to everyone that weighed in.

Editor's note: Marked as concluded since Monday has passed and we haven't gotten an update saying things haven't gone well!

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to &

AITA for giving my daughter a breakdown of what it cost to raise her when she asked me for her university funds?

Trigger Warnings: accusations of sexual abuse of a minor, manipulation, false accusations, entitlement, defamation

: May 17, 2024

My daughter Ava was a handful growing up. Her dad passed away when she was 5 and even with therapy she was a very angry child.

I still love her very much. She is my daughter and I would do anything for her that I can. Her dad didn't have a lot of insurance but enough to pay off a small house and set aside an emergency fund and top up my daughter's 529 education fund. I kept adding to it over the years. Not much but as I could.

When she was 11 I met and married my husband. I thought Ava was okay with it. She never brought up any problems to me or in our therapy sessions.

She was not. When she was 13 she accused him of something inappropriate. I called the cops immediately. He was arrested and he lost his job. He was innocent. She did it to get rid of him.

We divorced.

I was obviously heartbroken. I did my best not to take it out on her. I did punish her. She started acting out. She got expelled from school. Then another.

I ended up having to send her to a private school. Even with a voucher it was expensive. It worked though. She is graduating this year with honors and a scholarship.

She asked me about the money in her account. I said it was all gone. She got very upset because her scholarship won't cover all costs. Even with financial aid she will still be paying a fair amount.

I said I would cosign a student loan for what she needs. She said that she wanted to know where the money went that I wasted.

So I got out a pen and paper and wrote it all down.

The cost of my divorce. The rising cost of living that I paid for by myself since I didn't have a partner. Her tuition and fees for private school.

By the end she was crying and saying that I was blaming her for everything. I never have. I did punish her for the trouble she caused with my ex but I think that was reasonable.

She is upset that she will have to take out a loan. I also made it very clear that I would not be responsible for paying it back.

She thinks I'm being cruel by saying that she is responsible for stupid things she did as a child. I'm not. But I cannot pull the money I had to spend because of her out of my ass.

VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED

BASED ON TOP COMMENTS, OOP WAS NTA

Relevant Comments

Dante2377: this is a tough situation. seems NTA.

BUT "I also made it very clear that I would not be responsible for paying it back." - IF you co-sign a loan, you are indeed legally responsible for paying it back if your daughter cannot or chooses not to. That's how loans work. If you're not comfortable with that, that's a different conversation to have with her.

and a 13-year old lying about someone molesting her and ruining his life is "not a stupid thing she did as a child". Yes it was stupid, but that's literally malicious and cruel.

OOP: I understand that I would be legally responsible. I will not pay if she is able. Not one cent.

DontAskMeChit: NTA. I'm sorry for your ex, I hope he has recovered from the lie and is doing well.

She asked what happened to the money and you showed her. There are consequences and she is now facing them.

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, she will find a way to blame you. Try to get her back into counseling if she agrees. Just know you did nothing wrong, and take care of yourself as well.

: May 18, 2024

Thank you all for your comments. Even the ones where you called me a raving bitch for calling the cops after my daughter's allegations.

First

My ex was completely cleared. He was never home at the times she alleged the SA. We have security cameras in my house. There are exactly zero videos of him entering her room or being inappropriate with her in the common areas. I have already commented on the other evidence that got the charges against my ex dropped. She admitted the truth and said that she was doing it to get him out of our house. He is doing okay now. He has a new job and he and I still talk. Her excuse was that she didn't think I would immediately call the cops. She thought I would just kick him out since it is my house. She felt trapped and like she couldn't back down. She has never apologized to him. She has been in therapy since she was five. Both on her own and with me. To my knowledge she never mentioned anything about SA to her therapist. And they are mandatory reporters.

Second.

I told her that I will not be cosigning her loans. I told her that I will be backing her up and doing my best to make sure that she does not default but I am not risking my home or my future for her.

She fully understands now where her savings went. She is upset with herself mostly now. She realizes that the private school was my last choice. And only necessary because of choices she made.

Thank you all for your help.

Third.

Since I do not care about karma I will be giving this account to either or tomorrow.

They are welcome to delete the posts or sell the account for the $.59 it is worth.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My boss and coworkers keep giving me plants

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

  Sept 9, 2021

This is a fairly low stakes question, but I don’t know what to do. About two years ago, my team (boss and coworkers) gave me an orchid when a family member died.

I can’t keep plants alive to save my life. I did everything I could, including watching YouTube tutorials about plant care, and it died a month in. Since then, I’ve been gifted five other plants (four pre-Covid) by various coworkers and my boss. After the first one died, I’ve made many jokes about how I’m like the kiss of death to plants, yet they continue.

Last week, I was given a cactus that is now also on its way to death. It doesn’t help that I’m in a cube with no access to direct sunlight.

Short of not accepting the plants, how can I get them to save the plants by not giving them to me?

  Nov 30, 2023

My question was low stakes, and my update is as well. To answer your question on why everyone was giving me plants, my boss and most of my team were all middle-aged women who just really love plants. My boss had a garden of plants in her office, and I think assumed that since they brought her joy that they’d bring everyone joy. Her love of plants rubbed off on the team. Plus, in many situations they’re easy to give as gifts, especially in a situation like mine: I have several severe food allergies and intolerances, so when people would normally get a cake or something, I got plants.

My plant killing days are behind me now. Due to reasons entirely separate from the plants, I left the old job in mid-2022. Before I left (and with a lot of help), I kept a succulent alive long enough that it had many plant babies. I repotted those and gave one to each team member on my last day, which they all loved. The original plant died a week after I left, in a surprise to no one.

At my new job, my coworkers asked if I wanted a plant early on for my desk. I told them “only if they want to watch the plant die over the course of a few weeks” and they laughed and never asked again. I admire my coworkers plants from a distance, and I decorate my desk with pictures of my dog.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Wife poachers in the lifestyle

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: Manipulation

  May 2, 2024

We went to a lifestyle event and met up with a couple that introduced us to the lifestyle. We’ve played with them on about 3 occasions and it’s been all girl-girl while the male half’s play with their own… very minimal interaction between male and female from the other couple. They kept telling us they understood we were not looking for a full swap and that we did not intend on going beyond what we had already done. While we were at the event (5 nights at a lifestyle friendly resort) we spent a lot of time with them and a few other couples. On one night right before dinner I overheard the wife telling another couple that she couldn’t wait to see her husband fucking my wife. I asked what she said and she quickly back tracked and changed her statement to “my fantasy is to see you and my husband tag teaming your wife”. I brushed it off and moved along. After dinner I pulled her asaid and reminded her that what she wanted was not our dynamic. She said “oh I know don’t worry. I was just playing… but wouldn’t you want to see it happen” I reiterate that it’s not where my wife and I are at in our journey.

Later in the night we were at the night club in a group of about 4-5 couples. I stepped away from the group to grab some shots at the bar and when I came back that couple had my wife pulled in close. This was nothing new and I didn’t think much of it so I started talking with the rest of the group. Then I see that the other wife pushed my wife into her husband as to make them kiss and then she jumped in to set up a 3 way kiss. It didn’t last very long at all because my wife pulled back and walked away. It bothered me because it felt a little sneaky on their end to pull my wife in while I was away from the group (before anyone tells me it’s my wife’s responsibility to stay within our rules, she knows that and we have already discussed her wrong doing and role in this situation) we have known this couple for about a year and they always seemed so respectful and understanding that while it bothered me I didn’t want to make a big deal. I told my wife, she apologized and I said I’m going to the bathroom… I need a second. She stayed with the rest of the group.

When I got back the couple that pulled her in said they were tired and wanted to go to bed, we said bye and they left. My wife then tells me… as soon as you walked away they came to ask if you got upset at them, she told them I was bothered that they pulled her in for a kiss while I was away from the group. And that I just wondered if it was bad timing or if it was done on purpose.

The other couple’s response to her was, if he is already mad at you don’t let him fuck up your night, just come hang out in our room. We can listen to music and have a few more drinks. My wife said absolutely not and they told her that she would be ok and that I was probably just picking a fight so I can go hookup with another woman.

Obviously at this point I started to think back on the whole situation and found so many red flags I missed along the way…..

1. His wife always felt stand offish when we all hung out. She was never flirty with any other guy

2. Kept telling my wife that she would love getting fucked by another guy

3. Repeatedly asked if I was ok if my wife played with another guy

4. What situation would I prefer, my wife fucking a guy I know or a complete stranger

5. He made several comments to my wife about wanting to fuck her.

6. His wife would only be flirty with my when they were inviting us out to hang out but when we would see each other her demeanor would change.

7. There is another couple they played with that all of a sudden stopped coming around. In that couple we always saw the wife kissing and flirting with this husband but this wife never showed any playfulness towards the other husband.

Am I looking at this wrong? Should I not feel like they were trying to pull my wife away?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Chemical-Ad1978

There's a lot wrong here but the part where they tried to turn your wife against you is super fucked up. Those people are complete trash and should be outed as such. They broke boundaries which you had clearly set and then used you being upset (which was totally valid) to try to get your wife back to their room by baselessly claiming you were probably trying to fuck another woman. Glad you and your wife stood your ground here, but people like that suck. The worst part is no one probably knows how shitty they are because they put on such a nice persona. I'd steer clear of them and probably anyone they call friends.

OOP

I spoke to a couple we met through them and shared what happened.. the wife from that couple told us that they’ve never played with them because something has always felt a little off. They never had a bad experience with them, but it’s probably because they’ve never played with them.

OOP When told his wife played it right

I think she allowed herself to be placed in a tricky situation.. when the other wife told her to kiss the husband while I was away we feel after talking that she should have said “let’s wait for him to get back with the drinks so we can get okay started and maybe head back to the room” but she didn’t do that. She was told to kiss the husband and she went for it. When it turned into the 3 way she allowed it for a couple seconds “to not be rude” and then backed up and walked over to me.

Her reaction to the situation was the right one. But she could have avoided it all together.

I told her that I don’t hold it against her, I was bothered with the situation and just wanted her to understand that we can’t hold things like that against each other. Mistakes will be made specially since we are still new to the LS so we need to learn and grow from them.

OOP explaining poachers

I’ll agree with you on the fact that people do things out of their own free will. However, poachers are those who attempt to pull a couple apart using dishonest tricks and manipulation. They pry on couples and earn their trust when knowing their goal is not inline with what that couple has said they are comfortable with.

Had my wife decide she wanted to go along with their game then it would not be an issue about them but an issue within my relationship.

  May 17, 2024

Update to this post

This couple has reached out to us quite often since we last dealt with them. After letting go by and allowing myself to calm down, I finally decided to respond to them and let them know why we have been avoiding them and would no longer see them again.

I explained how wrong it was of them to do what they did and that my wife and I care more about our own relationship then making somebody else’s fantasies come true the husband tried to explain that it was not their intention to drive a wedge between us and that they offered her to go back to the room it was not sexual, but to make sure she didn’t feel like she done something wrong. he tried to tell me that he considered me a good friend and he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me or upset me. He kept asking for us to meet so we can try to clear the air, but they wanted to treat us to dinner and talk things out.

First responded very defensive and said that we were the ones in the wrong for insinuating that they tried to come between us y to come between us. She then called me the next day (which is weird because we never talk one on one) she started apologizing and telling me that the only reason they tried to pull her in while I wasn’t there was to see if they can get her to loosen up so that the four of us can go back to the room for playtime. She kept telling me how intimate she was and that she didn’t want our friendship to end. The only thing she was trying to accomplish was for my wife to finally let go of her inhibition and allow the four of us to swap because she like my wife wants that but is holding herself back because of me. She tried to assure me that she had every intention on making it a full swap situation, and that she wishes my wife wouldn’t have walked away, and that I would have joined them so that the four of us could have started, kissing, touching and going back to the room.

I let her get everything off her chest and then told her that she was full of shit. That was truly what she wanted, it was still wrong because we made it clear. We were not looking for a full swap. Her goal was to convince my wife for the four of us to full swap. It should have been done with a conversation between the four of us and not a plan that her and her husband came up with to attack my wife while I was not there.

At the end, I told him not to reach out to us anymore because their invitations were going to fall on deaf ears. We have sense blocked them on social media and block their numbers so they don’t reach out to us again..

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in and

Trigger Warning: emotional abuse

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Background : October 10, 2022

My (nb24) family is notorious for making plans at the last second and then getting mad when I can’t join. The most recent example was them knowing well in advance that a family member would be in town, not telling me about it, and then asking me to dinner with all of them ten minutes before they ate. I was busy with friends and didn’t see the text until hours later. The family member left town the next morning, which they also didn’t tell me, so I missed out on seeing them. Does anyone else deal with stuff like this or am I overreacting?

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: If you want to see that family member, reach out to them, apologize for missing them, and plan a trip to their city to go visit. Pay your own way.

OOP: That’s my plan for this weekend. It’s less about missing my favorite family member while they were in town and more about the fact that everyone knew they were coming and I asked multiple times when it was, but they didn’t tell me until they knew I was busy and expected me to change plans I’d had for months

Original : January 19, 2023 (3 months later)

My fiancé and I recently got engaged, and when looking at dates we realized our anniversary falls on a Saturday this year. Perfect right? We immediately start planning because it’s approximately 9 months out and we have to move quick to pull a wedding together. We told everyone the potential date this weekend and all seemed well.

Monday I get a phone call from my father. He insists that I move the date because my mother has a yoga retreat that weekend. I tell him that this date means a lot to me and I would prefer to keep it if there is any way to move the retreat. There is, but it’s expensive. I offer to pay for this change out of my wedding budget, essentially halving the amount that I can spend on the most important event of my life.

Yesterday I was told that they would not be taking my offer to pay to move the retreat and that we’re expected to move the wedding instead. I haven’t put money on my venue yet, so they think I should be fine with giving up the chance to marry on a date that means a lot to me. It became a massive fight, and now my parents and I aren’t speaking. My father accused me of caring about a date more than I care about my mother. I told him that it felt as though they were choosing yoga over their own daughter.

TLDR: wedding falls on the same day as moms yoga retreat. I haven’t put money down on the date yet and she has, but it means more to me than to her. Offers to pay to move the retreat were turned down. WIBTA if I keep my date and say that it’s me or the retreat?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. Your parents are being absurdly self-centered. The polite thing for them to do would be to reschedule or cancel the retreat without ever telling you so as not to impinge on your wedding planning excitement.

Just to make sure, because this is honestly so over-the-top it’s baffling to me - is your mom attending the retreat, or is she leading it?

OOP: Attending. They have this retreat yearly, and there are also makeup dates for the classes she would miss

Commenter: INFO: is yoga retreat another word for rehab?

OOP: Nope, actual literal yoga. She has no addictions except control over everyone around her

Commenter: Info- Is your venue even available so close to the date? What about your photographer and flowers and everything? I remember some of our stuff had to be done over a year in advance. Our main reason for the date was venue availability.

OOP: We’re on such a tight budget that we’ve been coordinating with free venues that nobody else considers, photographers who are looking to expand their portfolios, and other discounted services that don’t fill quickly

Commenter: Was there a legit reason given why they wouldn't change their yoga plans if you covered the cost, effectively making it a wash?

OOP: When the offer was turned down, it was through a text stating “I appreciate the offer, but it simply will not work. That date is off the table”

Commenter (downvoted): NTA but you also know she does this yearly so it’s not a huge surprise that she’s doing it this year. You don’t have to change the date if you don’t want to but you have be prepared for them to not show up. I know I wouldn’t cancel my yearly trip for a wedding regardless. I am very thankful atm that my older two are ace and not romantically attracted to anyone because I swear nothing ruins relationships like marriage and babies.

OOP: She’s only gotten into yoga recently. This would be the first retreat she’s gone on, and I had no idea she had anything like this planned

Commenter: Info: What does your fiancé say about this? NTA. Don’t change your date. It’s important to you and the family you’re building with your fiancé.

OOP (responding next day): My fiancé loves our original date and is proud of me for standing my ground (my family has a pattern of walking over me and I have a habit of taking it). We’re considering delaying the date of the wedding but eloping on our original date without telling anyone until the reception

OOP is voted NTA

of OOP's dress (April 21, 2023- 3 months later)

Update : May 18, 2024 (1 year, 4 months from AITA post)

Hey everyone! It's been a while (I forgot my password), but a few people asked for updates on how my last post turned out. Unfortunately, a lot of you may not like the answer.

Almost all of you said not to change the date, and to enjoy my time without them there. I followed half of that advice. I eventually did relent to my family and change the date of the wedding. My fiancé (now husband!) said that the date wasn't as important as my happiness, and the fighting with my parents was destroying that. Now after six months, we both wish we hadn't because it was useless.

They still didn't show up. Not only that, but they convinced 90% of my family not to show up either. I ended up with only four relatives there in a crowd of about 100 guests.

My mother claimed that I had been "excluding her from planning" (by scheduling venue tours on days that my fiance and I were both free but I didn't realize she was working, and by finding my dress by surprise on a "just here to look" trip without her being there). They hadn't shown any interest in planning, so I mainly didn't want to bother them. To them, this was "clearly a sign that you don't want us there". So they went out of town on the new date.

In the end, narcissist mother still got her yoga, I still moved my date, and I still walked myself down the aisle.

But my petty self did, in fact, strike back. I had an amazing time, and I made sure that I left obvious empty seats marked for them and told everyone the truth with a smile when they asked. The few family members that did show are now no longer speaking to them either, as are all of the friends who came. The only exception is my brother (who I'm pretty sure they asked to relay the details of the party to them), and even he has almost entirely cut them out due to how they've acted.

I haven't spoken to my mother since about a month before the wedding, when she told me to get all of my old things out of her house. I speak to my father very rarely, and only over things like deaths in the family. My in-laws have basically taken me in as their own, and I'm far happier than I ever was in the nightmare of a family I grew up with. Life is good.

TLDR: moved the date of the wedding so mom could go to yoga, parents still didn't show, had a better day without them than I would have with them there, finally cut contact with those narcissists

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Good for you! I’m sad you moved your date for them just so they could make another excuse on why they couldn’t come. And the rest of your family sucks too.

But now you know all the people you need to block and go NC with. Make sure you block them on social media too. They don’t deserve to know anything about your life.

OOP: I changed my phone number right after the honeymoon, and they don't have the new one. My husband and I are also buying a house, so they won't be getting the new address. As for social media, I kept them unblocked just so they can see updates about me being happy without them

Commenter: Did your relatives say no ahead of time?

OOP: Nope, just didn't show up. Never got an RSVP from any of them, except the verbal one from my father a week beforehand when he told me "well, looks like you're not willing to patch things up before the wedding. We won't be there. That's unfortunate" 🤣

Commenter (downvoted): Did the opposite of our advice and it went poorly - yup, checks out, better luck next time

OOP: Honestly that's fair. I figured it wouldn't work out for me, but I really wanted to prove to myself that even if I bent over backwards for them it still wouldn't be good enough. I proved that, and now I have no doubt about cutting them off completely. As much as I wanted the old date, I'm still glad I moved it so that I didn't live my life with a "what if"

If OOP has kids:

We're planning on kids down the road, and I'm planning on telling the kids that "mommy's mommy and daddy were not nice people, and we don't want you to have to be around not nice people. We wish they had been nicer so that you could have two sets of grandparents who get to know and love you, but your daddy's mommy and daddy love you enough for both sets"

More on what 'mom' said:

Apparently I had "left them out too much" (found my dress unexpectedly when my mother wasn't there, booked venue tours when my husband could go with me without asking if my mother could go) so it was "clearly a sign that you don't want us there". They kept trying to tell me that if I involved them more they would show up, but my mother shows zero interest when I asked her about color schemes or if she'd come to my dress fittings, so eventually I realized they just didn't care and wanted something to complain about

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

Ongoing as per OOP

3 updates - Long

- 16th October 2023

- 7th March 2024

- 10th March 2024

- 21st May 2024

Wife just told me she's been seeing someone for the past 6 months.

Been married 8 years. 5 & 6 year old kids. I've been madly in Love the whole time as she's an AMAZING person and mother. literally keeps the family together and is just... spectacular. Truly.

She was showing me something on her phone and I saw a text come in saying "I love you more!" and I asked who it was.

she explained it was a coworker that she's been helping out and I thought nothing more of it.

That day we had a lot of family over to celebrate our daughters birthday and it was a wonderful time. Some stayed overnight so the next day after a wonderful weekend getting company out and putting the kids down my wife said she needs to tell me something.

well that I love you more was not from her coworker. (well at least not the one she explained it was, but I'm not sure because she's not sharing any details regarding the other person)

she told me that 6 months ago when I was in a dark place and have since come out of (no drugs except weed and booze, which we both partake) she found love in someone else. love I wasn't providing in our relationship.

"If I have feelings for someone else, I'm not sure that I should be married. It's not fair to you or me. I never planned for this to happen, but now that it's a reality, we need to deal with it."

she explained that she wasn't looking for someone else, it just happed. A friendship that bloomed into more. she's also told me that they have not been intimate, and explained that as a sexual relationship.

she says life is too short, and she wants to be happy. she's proud of all the changes I've made and I've always been a good dad, but I've grown into a great daddy and my kids and I have never been closer.

but she wants to be 100% happy and the changes I've made haven't gotten her there, so she seeking elsewhere.

she says this person may not be the 100% answer. she worries that I'm at the best I can be and it's not enough, yet she's not giving me specifics.

we've had a beautiful loving relationship. we are know to be well out together and have our shit in line. we'd be the last couple that folks would think this is happening to.

so, I'm devastated. absolutely totally ripped apart and don't know what to do.

we own a house together what we're making payments on, I carry no debt besides said home and she's in the same position.

we had a perfect life together and I'm suddenly being blindsided by this 6 month relationship where she has feelings for and thinks it's best we split.

I have no idea how to move forward.

I've told her she needs to let her family know what's going on, so I can tell mine. it's her cat to let out of the bag.

I'm just so sad for our kids. when we were dating and in marriage, cheating was the one thing that would break us. we both come from broken families, and it was something I never wanted for our kids.

I just...and so hollow and broken. She is/was my everything and am so thankful for the 10 years we've been together.

but I think the writing is on the walls and I'm helpless. it's all up to her.

I'm broken into a million pieces.

Comments

[deleted]

Amazing people and mothers don't cheat on their spouse for 6 months in secret.

OOP: Heard.

Kurt0690

So the things that stand out to me is that she has not been intimate and she's not 100% sure it's him. First of all, you should assume she's been intimate, you have no reason to trust her. She's trying to break it to you slow either because she wants you as a soft landing if he doesn't work out, or because he's married too and she's waiting for him to leave his wife. This is not going to be fixable and you need to start making plans to protect yourself and your kids.

Update - 5 months later

She was caught by me catching a text at my daughter's birthday party come in that said 'i love you more!' when I asked what that was about she said it was a co-worker she's been helping.

Because we had all our family and friends there, I didn't push it.

later the next day she came clean and said that she's been in a relationship for 6 months (this was back in October) She refused to tell me who it was with or what they've done.

I was devastated. Absolutely destroyed. Still am.

So we spent some time apart and she continued her relationship with Him. I did some digging in the mean time and looking at the phone records it was our Son's coach.

I called her out on it and she still continued the relationship. I saw a lawyer and he told me to not leave the house or the kids and either try to work it out or time to leave and to see a therapist.

my therapist says she's a narcissist and that I should protect myself, protect my kids and run.

Come December, she said she had cut it off with him and wanted to try again. I gave her all the effort in the world, but I don't feel like her souls been in it. she's not over compensating or has even truly apologized for what she's done.

I've also gotten access to her photos (I'm the admin on the family Google account) and she doesn't know that I've seen all I have.

she framed a picture of him and had it (maybe still does) at her Desk, I found naked selfies she's sent him that I haven't even received, I found a picture of his naked ass in our Beach Condo which I thought was natural space as we were nothing sharing it during our time apart.

I slept on those same sheets.

I know that she was at a fancy restaurant with someone else, she screenshots all these deep love quotes that I know aren't about me....so much that loves rent free in my head.

she has a white bracelet with one black bead that she now wears every day. I've called her out on it. she lied once and said it was from her mom, and up to last week said well my best friend has the matching one. well, her affair partner wears an all black one aith one white bead.

I know what that represents.

again, she doesn't know I've seen all these things.

so now to current day, I can't place it find anything that suggests that she's still with him, but I know she used snap chat often and is secretive with her phone.

whenever I bring up the affair this blow up because I said I'd try to not bring it up and get over it, but I simply can't.

I'm not rubbing it in, but it does come up when we argue which is almost every week. we do really well for a bit, up to and including intimacy, but then something happens and we go back to shit.

she cancelled our babysitter for trivia this past Tuesday, and for this Friday where I got tickets for us to see a show, but she doesn't want to go because I can't get over her affair.

her parents (mom and stepfather) both cheated on their spouses for each other and support my wife and both call and text me that it's unfair that I bring up her affair.

the pictures of him life rent free in my head almost constantly. I can't get past what she's done now matter how hard I try.

I don't know what to do as she's trying to make me the bad guy and I'm like...I've been here the whole time. I didn't fall in love with someone else.

I just don't understand and am an emotional train wreck.

Comments

One_Relationship3159

So you live somewhere that has at fault divorces? If so use the evidence against her, if not still use the evidence to help speed up the divorce. It doesn’t sound like she loves you at all just needed you at the moment. The AP may have broke it off and you are safety net. It doesn’t seem like you will get over this betrayal. So it’s time to move on without her.

OOP: Unfortunately no. I'm In MD and my lawyer says the laws just changed.

One_Relationship3159

So you have a lawyer? You started the divorce process? If so have you asked her to leave?

OOP: I've had consultations. I have not officially started the process, and no I haven't asked her to leave.

I don't want to do that to the kids...but maybe I should ask her to. We have the condo just a few mins away.

I haven't left because she's a teacher and has to leave before I get the kids on the bus , then I go to work.

I have to be around as her job doesn't allow her to. My lawyer has also stated that this fact would be helpful in custody matters.

Update - 3 days later

Welp, long story short, I literally just caught her at the family condo with the AF and have photos and video of his truck, his belongings in the home, and her coming out of the Master where he stayed behind a closed door.

I also went into our shared car that she drove and it was left unlocked in the parking garage with an open high noon on the cup holder and her wallet and belongings still in it.

she came home and tried to talk. it was calm conversation but she kept saying it was my fault and if I communicated with her last night (I gray rocked her 🪨) maybe she wouldn't have been with him.

So I communicated that I will be home later this afternoon/evening, so she's unexpectedly watching the kids today. I wanted to hang with them, as she took them away from me yesterday to go do activities and I would do separate activities today, however I'm not emotionally able to give the kids the best of me right now and I definitely don't want to be around her.

I asked if she could sleep in a kid's room and she got upset and stated that our bed is her bed and she will sleep where she wants. I said obviously...

I've been for a 6 mile walk already and have been calling and leaving VMs at all the lawyers around.

I know I can't abandon the home but I can't be around them after what I just saw this am.

THANK ALL OF YOU who responded earlier this week and suggested Gray Rock and 180 for me. I implemented them and I guess it drove her to this.

but I'm officially divorcing her and there's no going back.

Thank you so much SI crew.

EDIT AND UPDATE:

Legal counsel told me to no contact her, so that's what I'm doing. She texted me last night all about how she hasn't asked for a second chance even though I've given them and she loves me and she now is willing to do therapy and share her locations and access to her phone and can't see rocking on the porch with at 80... Yadda yadda.

When I got home last night she was in the Master so I slept upstairs.

This AM, no communication. She wouldn't even look at me.

Yesterday, when I caught them with video, I saw his hat and it noticed it was a local landscaper. So I called to see if he worked there. He does. Ok thanks. That was it.

This MF just called me saying if I want to talk to him here's his number, don't call my boss. I said I have nothing to say to you. He replied and I have nothing to say to you and hung up.

Also her Mom reached out and said how I must be devastated and she's so sorry and to call her when I have a chance.

I'm going to continue my no contact with everyone and let my lawyer (once I secure one) do all the talking.

This is so damn hard!

[UPDATE #2] 3/27- I'll keep this one short. So she love bombed me, confessed a lot of what she's done, I fell into it for a few days, the sex was great, then we had a tiff last Friday and we've basically been no contact, yet living under the same roof. She got into my Google photos acct and deleted a lot of the evidence id collected from her and videos I had, but the important ones were backed up. Literally trying to hide and cover up her affair.

I have an appointment with my lawyers this Friday and we will go from there. I've been running, house shopping and trying to stay distracted.

It's very hard. I have a lot of emotions and sadness. I lost my best friend and lover to another. I know I need to keep saying it's her loss, and it will be, but it all still sucks. Especially hearing her tell me all she's done...horrible shit.

I don't want to get divorced, but it's what has to happen for my own self respect and happiness. I can never ever trust her again.

Comments

Agile_Opportunity_41

Blow up the baseball coaches life. Tell his partner and the league and all the parents of the team. Nobody will want their kids coached by him.

OOP: My wife is his SO. He's divorced because his wife cheated on him.

MongooseLoud

So the lesson he learned from being cheated on was to cheat with another man's wife and break up another marriage.

OOP: Right? How absolutely shitty. Kids involved too...

SarcasmIsntDead

Be sure to tell your kids why you are splitting don’t let her paint the narrative speak to a counselor on how to tell them the truth or she is going to paint you as the bad guy…

OOP: Yeah. I need to get back to my therapist.

Update - 2.5 months later

Shew, where to start...

well first off, I did it. I officially filed for divorce, and she has been served. She has less than two weeks to respond.

Quite literally the hardest decision I've ever had to make and to be 100% honest, I still don't want to, but I know that it will be what's best for me, my soul, my anxiety and my mind.

Over the past month we'd have good days and bad days. tension was always high, and it turns out she still kept lying about him.

I got a hold of her phone again and she had shared locations on snap with him, and when we were supposedly trying to make it work she wouldn't even share that with me, her husband. And I had asked. (oh and she changed his name in SnapChat so I wouldn't know it was him. Multi levels of deception. She also had changed his name in her contacts to throw me off. sucks for her I know tech well, and am a bit smarter and clever than the average bear)

On her Birthday, we weren't getting along, so she chose to go spend time with him in the evening while I hung out with out kids. (didn't tell me, found out by searching her phone for his name)

That same day, she had been texting her BFF and literally told her I was being annoying and said 'why don't you just divorce me?!' to her regarding me.

In arguments, she'd text me to divorce her because I would express how I was unhappy and am struggling trusting her because she's been so shady.

Everything from blocking me on Snapchat (because she didn't want to see my snaps was her reason) to a crazy phone screen cover, to changing the lock code on our car. (Both names are on it, but it's primarily hers)

just really odd shit and then would also try to love bomb me and have me just go along with everything and be a good family man.

More recently, on my birthday I made the poor decision to go out with her, absolutely we had a lovely time till something triggered me and her affair came up, and we started arguing.

It escalated up to the point where I was recording her on my phone as she was going nuts, and she straight up hit me in the side of my head, knocked my phone to the ground and we tussled over my phone. (all recorded)

She called the police, no charges pressed and I was told to sleep upstairs, which I did willingly.

the next day, she filed a protective order against me and I couldn't reach out to or see the kids (or her, which was a ok) for a week. I couldn't even be in my own home. She did have the kids call me everyday which was very nice.

During that week, my lawyers convinced me the best thing to do, especially for custodial reasons was to file as it supersedes the restraining order, so I did.

At the court hearing she was served, and knew it was coming the night before as her friend is an officer and it's public record.

In front of the judge, she said that I was no threat to her or our children and that Im a great father. She also stated that I'm allowed to freely come and go at the house and anywhere else I chose as I'm not a threat and she wants me to see and be with the kids. it's in the transcript, so I'll use that in the custody battle. (we will and have talked about 50/50, but it's good to have in case)

So the judge basically said that this was all a waste of time and now because the restraining order has to be extended till we divorce, it's all null except that I'm not allowed to threaten her. (not like I ever have, or would ever do.)

I've moved to a family home which has room for me and the kiddos (they have their own room and beds, as well as toys books and everything else they could possibly need at this home) and we're splitting time with them.

She expected me to make the AM 40 min commute to watch the kids by 730 so she can get to work, but I've made it very clear that if we have them overnight, we take care of the ams regardless where the kids are. She fought that for a bit, but I showed her I have a Pendete Lite order ready to go, and I could just take the main house 50% of the time and displace her, and she calmed down.

So that's about it with an update. She's trying to win me back again, but I've now caught her 4 times going back to him so I can't giver her another chance. I want to, but I know I can't. I can't trust her.

it's the hardest thing in the world. I break down crying randomly, I and am terrified about the future and how it will all work out, I hate that she chose him over me, and tries to win me back. Telling me how much this is hurting her and all that jazz and it's like...

well maybe you shouldn't have had a fucking yearlong affair! An affair that was first discovered by an 'i love you more' text. Maybe you shouldn't have given my engagement/wedding right back TWICE.

YOU CHOSE HIM.

A one time thing I could have recovered from and forgiven, but to go back time after time after time after time and hid it all and did all the things I know she did...

Ugh. It's too much. I'm choosing to break up our beautiful little family and it kills me.

however, I have to stand up for myself and I know I could never trust her again.

She keeps asking for time to heal, but she keeps going back and getting mad at me for bringing her affair up when we bicker.

I can't help myself. That mother fucker lives rent free in my head all the time and almost everything reminds me of her infidelity.

She chose him over me, and now will suffer the consequences. It just sucks because I'm suffering greatly too.

don't get married folks.

I'm sure more will come to me, but I'm just having a hard time and needed to type this all out and get it out of my head.

thanks for reading my wall of text, and I appreciate all the support over the past few months.

Comments

massofmolecules

Yeah affairs are amazing when they’re just these fantastical detached things with only the fun parts of life associated with them. As soon as they move in to regular life relationships with all the ugly everyday things associated with them, their fantasy starts to break down, oh nooo the affair fog is gone what have I done?

OOP: Yup. Shits getting very real for her, very fast.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 15th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

AITA for spending my son's university fund on a trip to Europe to drink beer like I always threatened instead of giving it to his step brother after he passed away.

My son was smart. Smarter than me. I almost requested a paternity test because he was so damn intelligent. THAT IS A JOKE.

My ex and I divorced when he was about 12. She remarried when he was 14. I did when he was 16.

I had an RESP set up for him. That's a education fund in Canada. As long as he went for post secondary education he could use the money for anything.

I always told him that I was okay with him not going to university. That way I could use the money I had saved up for him to go to Belgium and buy some beer from monks that only allow you to buy one case.

He knew I was joking and he always played along. He wouldn't let me get his goat.

When he got accepted to McGill it was the proudest moment of my life. I took him out for a beer to celebrate his achievement and mourn the loss of my trip to Europe.

My son was struck and killed by a drunk driver in March. I'm dealing with it. My ex is dealing with it. My wife has been nothing but my rock in this. She is holding me up.

I was dealing with the funeral arrangements and everything when my ex came to talk to me about his money. She knew he had a scholarship and was just going to use the money for living expenses and an emergency fund. She asked me what I was going to do with it.

I said I was going to do what I always said I would. I was going to Europe to drink beer. She asked if she could have it for her step son. I thought about it and said no. Her husband is a decent enough person but he made it clear that he wasn't responsible for any expenses for my son. Beyond food and shelter and stuff obviously. Like I said he is decent.

I said I was not going to do that. I was going to go drink beer in my son's honour.

She says I'm wasting thousands of dollars. And I guess I am. I have to give back the government portion of the fund. But I don't care.

My ex thinks I'm being stupid and irresponsible wasting my son's money like this.

I don't care.

My son would laugh his ass off if he knew I actually did it.

Comments

No_Lavishness_3206

NTA. Sorry for your loss. I thought it was a clickbait title but this is a sad fucking post. I hope you enjoy your trip and pour out some for your homie. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship.

OOP: Thank you.

GamerCow3991

Dude, sorry for your loss, enjoy that beer in your son's honor, man, NTA

No-Alarm-2208

NTA You don’t owe your ex-wife’s stepson anything, OP. Sorry for your loss. Have that beer in Belgium in memory of your son.

milliepilly

I totally agree. You should never have been asked for that money. That was totally out of line. Please spend that money to find joy in this world through your sadness.

jasemina8487

especially while he was dealing with funeral arrangements. this is also the mother of thw deceased child too so instead of mourning her son she is acting like a damn vulture

jerseygirl1105

My first thought was SHE ASKED FOR MONEY AT THEIR SON'S FUNERAL??

MikeyMBCA

No, no, you misread... BEFORE the funeral. While he was making funeral arrangements for THEIR son. Jesus, OP's ex-wife is a ghoul. Wonder why they split up?

rocketdong69420

Wonder why they split up?

The world may never know.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 5 days later

Hi everyone. We are on our way to the airport and on our way to Barcelona. We will be going to be in Europe for a month. The visit to the monks at Westvleteren will be the last part of our trip. Two reasons. I don't want to lug beer bottles all over Spain, France, Belgium and Holland. Also I am putting it off for as long as I can.

For those of you that asked my son's name is Ryan. He was an amazing kid. I don't know if he got his love of the microscopic world from me. I did teach him how to make his own sourdough starter and I will be keeping his alive to make loaves and waffles with. His ashes are in our yard, on Mount Tremblant, on the shores of the St. Lawrence and I will be taking some to Belgium. My grandfathers have many friends buried there and I think they would approve.

I thank everyone that offered to buy me a beer. And while I appreciate the offer I'm pretty sure my liver, and my wife, would not have been happy with me. I will be with the monks on the week of June 23rd. If you would like to join me in a toast with your favorite drink of choice I would love that more. I love knowing that people all around the world know about my son and he would love knowing he was toasted in such a manner.

I spoke with my wife, my ex wife, her husband, and his son. I invited them to join us, at my expense, for the last week of my trip. My wife's stepson was friends with my son. I didn't know how close until we spoke. They are gaming buddies. They spoke almost every day playing online. He gave me a picture of my son I did not have. It is a picture of the two of them age about 14/15 at my ex wife's wedding to his father. My son looked great in his suit. I cried. He did too. We had a very awkward but heartfelt man hug. Then we laughed. They will be coming to say goodbye with us.

After talking to my accountant and my lawyer I was told that I could not have transferred him the value of the RESP. I have decided, after talking to my wife, that we are going to give him enough money to cover one year of tuition. Even after my trip we will have money left over. I'm trying to do some good with it. I also said that he could call us any time he needed since he will be attending school close to us. So funny he got accepted here and my son was accepted there.

I want to thank everyone who shared their condolences with me. I want to especially thank everyone that helped me plan my visit to Belgium. I know we won't see each other but you were invaluable.

I don't think I will have much to say after this. Maybe I will post an update after the trip.

Comments

SnausageFest

I love updates like this. Too many people here get wrapped up in this ultimate moral right. Recognizing you're not the asshole, but you are in a position to help others and choosing to do so is a lovely way to be and something we should all aspire to.

magneticMist

Truly, OP has an amazing head on his shoulders and heart in his chest.

svkatt

What a lovely update!! I will put a reminder to have an adult beverage in honor of Ryan the week of June 23rd.

Uniquorn527

I was going to say it would be great if OP can post an update on the day so we can be reminded and join each other with a drink to Ryan.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not OOP. OOP is They posted on

Editor's Note: I did some mild editing for readability, mainly adding paragraphs and periods. I didn't add any comments because this is already very long, but most of the comments were in support of OOP.

Trigger Warning: Domestic violence, child abuse, descriptions of physical violence, drug use

February 17, 2024

People of Reddit I need some advice and judgment.

I 49M am a single father of three children. My wife passed away of cancer when my oldest was 13. It was very difficult for me to raise them, I would work 12-16 hour shifts and would not be home most of the time. I was thankful that my kids were strong and independent.

I would like to give a little background on myself. I grew up in an abusive household. My dad would physically abuse my mom and also beat my siblings and me. I have four younger siblings, three of them being girls. I was the oldest and would try to take the beatings for them. When I was old enough and strong enough I squared up against my father. I did so as many times as I needed to. I never let him put his hands on them. My father ended up going to prison for battery and we moved states.

My kid's current ages are 24M, 21F, 17F. My daughters still live with me since they are going to college but my son has moved out and made his life. My son has gotten a girlfriend and I have met her. She is a sweet, loving, and soft-natured girl and I genuinely like her. She reminds me of my wife when she was younger. I invite my son and his girlfriend over for lunch and dinners quite often. They have now been dating for three years and she would sometimes come over and help my daughters out with college stuff or just come over to hang out with them. I love her as family and have told her so.

Four weeks ago she came over and when I opened the door the first thing I saw was that she had a busted lip, and a black eye, and her eye seemed to be dyed in blood. I immediately took her in and helped her. My daughters were also alarmed when they saw her and when we asked her what happened she told us that my son was the one who did it to her. I cried at hearing that and I hugged her and begged her for my forgiveness. She told us all about it and apologized for not telling us sooner. This wasn't the first time he had hit her. I've asked her if she has told her parents or the cops and she said that we were the first people she felt like going to. I cried. I reassured her that she was safe there and not to worry. I asked my daughters to clean up a spare bedroom for her as she would be staying.

I cannot describe how I was feeling but you guys can imagine it. I spent hours just staring at the black TV screen looking at my reflection. A few days after she came to us, I invited my son over for dinner. I had her consent and knowledge to do so first. My son came over and I instructed my daughters to keep her in their rooms and to pretend they weren't there.

When my son knocked on my door and I saw him again, I felt sick and my blood boiled but I kept my composure and we sat down to eat. I kept looking at his hands and knuckles and there were faint scrapes and marks.

I asked my son basic questions trying to seem normal and nice. But the whole time I didn't see him as my son anymore, I saw him as my father and I didn't like that feeling. He acted normal until I asked him how everything was with his girlfriend and he choked on his food for a moment and told me "Everything is fine, she's just busy with work and I haven't seen her in a while." I just nodded and said, "Oh, that's nice. Glad she's doing okay."

We finished eating and I washed the dishes. I stood right next to him and asked why he was beating his girlfriend. I said, "I think it's about time you stop bullshitting me about your girlfriend." He asked me what I was talking about and I told him to stand up and put his hands up. I knew everything and I was gonna show him what it's like to be the weaker person. Before he could say another word, I swung at him. Told him that this was the real deal.

I did not hold back. I was gonna teach my son what it feels like to get beat since he thought it was okay. I told him to keep his hands up and to defend himself. We fought, but I, of course, was gonna be the last one standing. I asked him how it felt to be weak, to be on the other end of it. He told me to stop, but I asked him if he stopped when she begged him to.

I didn't stop beating him until his girlfriend came downstairs and screamed at me to stop. He looked horrified at seeing her. I told him that he was lucky she didn't tell her dad because her dad would have made him bury his own grave. He was lucky no one told the cops because people in jail or prison aren't fond of men who beat women. That he was lucky I was not putting him down like the animal he is.

I told him how disgusting I felt being the father of a man who beats his girlfriend, that he was no longer part of this family and to get the fuck out of my house. That he was a disappointment to everyone in this house. Seeing how I left him reminded me of how she came to me. I tossed him some napkins and told him to clean himself up on the way to whatever shithole he came from. I cried once he limped out of the front door.

I told his girlfriend that moving forward was her choice and I would support her. If she chose to stay here she was more than welcome to, but if she chose to continue her relationship with him then I would be doing random welfare checks. I told her how sorry I was that something so horrible happened to her and that it was my fault.

It has been a few weeks since the fight. I didn't realize I had a broken nose but that is okay. She chose to end the relationship with him and she has been staying with us. I feel like shit. I keep seeing the red stains on the couch and carpet and I keep asking myself if I did the right thing, if there were other options. I no longer had a son and that hurt me. I do not know if I did the right thing. I've just been staring at my reflection on the TV. AITA?

February 20, 2024

Hello again people of Reddit. There were a lot of comments and many questions were asked. One in particular that I found very interesting and even showed my daughters was what would have been my plan if my son won. My daughters have instructed me to quote "The Great Kanye." " I Guess We'll Never Know." I'm Not sure if that's the saying but I got that out the way now.

There were a lot of you guys who recommended I reach out to my son so I did. Yesterday we agreed that I would go over to his apartment. I told my daughters and the ex that I would be going today to their brother's place. I asked the ex if she wanted me to grab some small things that she left over there.

I went over to his place at 8 in the morning so we could get it out of the way as soon as we could. He shook my hand but he kept his gaze low. His injuries seemed to be fine and were healing up nicely. He led me into his apartment and it was pretty messy. There were a lot of trash bags piled up and some of the walls had little dents in them. I mention this because I mentioned that I saw scrape marks on his hands earlier.

We made small talk first and then I brought up the idea of attending therapy but he shot me down. I told him that we needed to talk about his ex and his actions. He said, "I'm guessing she told you everything right?" I told him yes and asked him for the entire truth. It pretty much went like this: He lost his job 8 months ago after a huge layoff and was struggling with the bills so his ex had to cover for him. He felt like a loser compared to her because of it. He couldn't find a job and when she asked him about it, he snapped at her for trying to help him. That's pretty much how it started. After that, he just found it easy to smack her every time he felt less than her or if she made him look bad. I asked him a lot of questions, some vague some detailed but for the most part, it confirmed every story his ex had told us. So she wasn't lying to us.

I told him that I was sorry I didn't hear him out at first but that it was probably for the better that I didn't know the pathetic reasons he had for doing what he did. He did not apologize back or show any signs that he was remorseful for what he did. We continued to talk about it and things got very heated. He kept on making excuses for himself and trying to justify what he did. I told him under no conditions was it okay for him to beat his girlfriend. Just because life got hard for him and things weren't going his way, it does not excuse his shitty actions.

My son stood up and asked me why I couldn't have his back or take his side. I got up and asked him "In what way was I supposed to have your side?" I would in no way support his actions, that he was full of shit for even having the audacity to think I would support him beating his girlfriend. Each time I tried to give him advice or anything related to self-improving, he would get angry.

Things continued to escalate and I told him that unless he got his life and himself under control, he was not allowed near his sisters or my home. He continued to say that even now I only cared for his ex and not him. I told him to not play the poor victim and that he made his bed and now he has to lay in it. He cannot continue to blame others for his actions, much less think it was okay to do what he did. He was no longer a child but a grown man who made his choices. That every choice had its consequences.

I asked him for his ex's things and he told me that he broke them and showed me where they were. They were indeed smashed into pieces. I told him again how ashamed I was of him for being like this and told him that he needed to get help. That he needed to take control of his life again and needed to change. If he continued to act and do things like this he will end up in jail or dead. That he had to pull himself together for his sake. He told me to go fuck myself and so I did. I picked up his ex's broken things and put them in a bag before I left. AITA?

February 27, 2024

[ OOP recaps the previous posts ]

Since then my son has been texting me nasty things and my daughters have also told me that he has been asking them where his ex is. Claiming he wants to see her.

My siblings came over this weekend for a cookout I was hosting (my son wasn't invited). I told my family about the situation and they all agreed that my son turned out to be more like our father. We joked that we always expected one of the guys to be his replica (my brother and I). We all shared our crappiest experiences with our father and we answered more questions about our childhood to the ex and my daughters.

My mom spent most of the time with the ex and my daughters talking about the dangers of men and whatnot. I thought it was ironic but it is my mom and I can't say none to her even though I am 49. I couldn't even tell her to stop telling my daughters about how much trouble me and my brother used to cause.

A couple of hours into the cookout, the women were in the living room doing their thing while we guys were working in the garage fixing one of the cars. We heard loud banging and my sisters were yelling at us to get in there because some drunk guy was trying to kick down the door. It was my son. It wasn't too hard to realize that it was him because he was yelling the ex's name and yelling at her to open the door and to stop being a B word.

I told the women to just get away from the door. I opened the door and shoved him out of the door when he tried to force himself in. I told him to get the fuck away from the door and to stop acting like an idiot or else someone was gonna call the cops on him. I told him that he was not allowed near the house. He just told me to shut up and to let him see her. I told him that under no circumstances would he be allowed near any of the women let alone his ex. To leave because he was drunk and I offered to call an Uber for him since I didn't want him to drive drunk.

My brother in Law came out to see what was happening and my son ended up throwing a beer bottle at him. Not the best accuracy since it hit the window. My son just kept on getting aggressive and violent and started to approach me. The whole time he was just yelling at me to let him see her and that he wanted to talk. But only to her. His tantrum lasted about 10 minutes until the ex peeked out the window which resulted in him yelling "Bitch, I knew you were in there" and another beer bottle being thrown again, but this time it was accurate and it almost gave her a few facial scars with the broken glass from the window.

My brother came out at that point and we both stood in front of him and told him to leave or we would and call the police or knock him the fuck out if he continued to pose a threat to us. Long story short, my son lunged at us. It was a whole ordeal and a public show.

My brother held him in a chokehold until he was knocked out. My mom came out phone in hand and dialed 911. The police took a while and got there here in 20 minutes. We just sat on our son until they arrived and explained the whole thing to them. Everyone gave their statements and I gave the police the ring camera video as further proof. My son was put in cuffs and taken away (thank you to everyone who suggested cameras).

The ex is okay and so is everyone else. The women (except my mom) were shaken up. We went back inside and cleaned everything else up and it was awkward but we moved on from the incident. My mom was mad that I even allowed him to throw the second bottle.

My brother and I went outside and talked about my son and our father. He asked me if maybe I should have let my son see her or at least let him say his piece to her. It was a stupid question and he knew that, but it got me thinking. What if he wanted to apologize? What if he was there to reconcile, but I again escalated it? It's a stupid question, but I would like some outside opinions. I have not visited my son yet even though it has been two days since I saw him get put inside a cop car. AITA?

February 29, 2024

Hello everyone.

As everyone knows my son got arrested for the scene he caused a couple of days ago. My mother stayed with me and my family while everyone else left to go home. I have fixed both windows that my son broke and have made sure to fix the door because he sort of damaged the hinges. It has been a rough few days and it has been hard on me. My daughters have visited their brother in jail for me and they have told me that he looks like a total mess. The ex has told me that she would like to go see how he is doing and I agreed to it.

Yesterday, we went to visit him and he did look terrible. I let his ex talk to him first for a few minutes while I talked to the officers in charge of his case. He was being charged trespassing, drunk and disorderly, battery, damage to property, possession of illegal narcotics, and a few other charges. It was not fun hearing that your son was going to be locked up for a while. As I waited for the ex to finish talking, I thought a lot about what I would say to him or if I should say anything at all. If I should even show myself to him. It was just very conflicting.

When the ex came out she looked very sad and heartbroken. I didn't ask what they spoke about. I walked in and he looked very angry to see me. I sat down and asked him how he was doing. We had a basic conversation, but it was going nowhere.

I told him that I never wanted to see him locked up or be in this situation. I tried to explain how hurt I was, but he just asked me if I was going to get him out because " it was bullshit and I don't deserve to be in here." I tried to be patient and let him talk but all he was saying was arrogant, ignorant, and stupid.

I explained to him that I was only here to see him one last time and that I wasn't gonna lift a finger to help him. He got angry and started cussing at me. I told him that he chose this and that his actions had consequences. He started to blame me for his arrest and I snapped at him. I told him that he could not live his pathetic life blaming his actions and choices on others and that he needed to stop being a pathetic POS. Even after I gave him a reality check and tried to show him humility, even after I tried to offer him help and support, he chose to continue being a terrible person.

It got quiet after I snapped at him and he apologized to me. He told me that he was sorry for what he did but I told him that it was too late for him to apologize. He started to tear up but I told him to stop with the poor victim play. He got angry at me and told me the same thing he told me the other time--that I never chose his side and that it was my fault.

I told him that his grampa was the same way--always blaming others for his shit and taking out his feelings and failures on the people he loves. I told him the same thing I told my father when he got locked away--that he was just a filthy animal who deserved to be locked up. Everyone in the family will forget that he exists and move on and be happy without him. I will probably retire, his sisters will move out and on with their lives and have their own families, his ex will move on from the horrible experience that he was. The world will continue to spin while he is here locked up. Everyone will move on with their lives. He just sat there quietly with tears running down his face. I felt terrible seeing him like that but it is what it is.

The last thing I told him was that he was officially disowned and that I would be getting a restraining order. That he was no longer my son and to forget about me and his family. He told me that I can go fuck myself before I left.

When we got home I just went straight to the garage and continued to work on my car. I didn't want to speak to anyone. I'm guessing the pressure of the situation finally got to me. Now I'm just typing this as a sort of distraction. I will go to his hearing. I do not know how to feel. I know what I said to him was shitty, and it makes me sad to think that those might be the last words he will ever hear from me. I'm guessing that is what I wanted to ask AITA.

May 13, 2024

Hello everyone. I would like to apologize first for not responding to everyone's comments and to some peoples dms. I've been pretty busy with life and a lot has happened. Thank you to everyone who has shown support and have commented very nice things.

I would like to start off by saying that my daughters are doing excellent, a bit sad after the court hearing but they are handling it well. I spoke with the ex's family about what had happened and have made peace with them. I think they like me? Not sure, the handshake was extra firm from the father. Her injuries have healed up nicely and so have mine. My nose ain't funny shaped anymore. Yes she decided to stay under my wing for a bit longer. My mother has been... very much a thorn in my side ever since the incident which is fine and all. I'll probably make another AITA post asking on advice about it. I have been feeling down and lazy. I wanted to get out, smell the roses, see something nice. You know what I mean.

My son's hearing was a couple weeks ago and everyone attended, including me, despite everything I have said or felt or done. I know I cannot explain my feelings or thought process well but I had to be there. It was one of the saddest experiences in my life. As much as I hate what my son became, I still loved him and hearing him get sentenced for 12 years for illegal drug possession and assault ( and many other charges) was not easy. I took a short break from everything just to give me time to deflate. I went on a camping trip with all my daughters. I thought it was fun, almost got mauled by a bear but that's part of the fun. I became (hood certified) according to my daughters over the food I made on the grill. I'm gonna be honest. I do not know what that means but it sounds like they liked the food.

I have many regrets about how I handled the whole situation now that time has passed and the fog in my head was cleared. I did so many things wrong and did so many unnecessary things, said shit that no father should ever tell his son. I make no excuses for my actions. I fucked up and I will live with my choices. I hope and pray that in the future I will be a better man and so will my son. I want to forgive him, I want him to forgive me, I want his sisters to forgive him. I.. just want my whole family back. But like everything life is unpredictable but I stay optimistic. A lot of people shot me personal dms and I have read all of them. For those who I haven't replied to, sorry, I got very shy from how nice you guys were.

My daughters have been skimming the topic of me dating again. I thought it was sweet but I already had and loved a woman. No one can replace her. I miss her. She probably would have smacked the shit outta me and told me off. Man.... I fucking miss you Lzi. Life has been tough without you but I've managed to raise a good, strong family. You have lovely and strong daughters. They are doing well and are making their own path in life. Wish you were here to see it.

Related post (but about OOP's parents, not his son):

May 14, 2024

TL;DR OOP's siblings show up with mom AND abusive dad and want him to forgive and forget the years of beatings and abuse. OOP brings up all the abuse, mom excuses ii all, dad stays silent then tries the "move past it and forgive" stuff. OOP refuses and siblings seem to stand behind him after sitting silently through most of it.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

Remember RULE 7: Do NOT Brigade or comment/DM on original posts!

" is a subreddit dedicated to meaningful, insightful, and high-quality discussion on all topics gaming."

An user made a post on that sub about the save system of games, specifically about them always asking if you're sure you want to save. They propose several solutions to ensure gamers do not have to worry their game isn't saved correctly. The post is overall well received, but when people go deeper into it in the comments the drama starts.

The post

And the thread that has the

But that's not all! Nearly every, if not all, comments they post get down voted much to

here are the rest of the threads for your enjoyment!

edit: since posts are getting deleted.

Banned 2 years ago due to being unmoderated.