TW : Some parts of this update might contain sensitive topics
I highly doubt anyone remembers my post from around 4 years ago, but I just remembered my reddit account and saw people were still sending me messages in 2024 checking up on me, (I can't show my appreciation enough btw) and thought i'd make this update for the few who remember me, AS WELL as possibly a hopeful post to someone who might be going through shitty times.
In any case, after my last post, it got very dark in my life, the help i got in reddit was hugely appreciated, and meant a LOT mentally, but in reality my situation hadn't changed. I was ready to call it quits.
A random day maybe a week after my post, I saw a stray kitten that came up to me and i started petting it and crying. I love thinking that was my guardian angel, but to be honest I guess i just had a little more fight in me. Then and there I decided to actually go through the "last attempt" i mentioned in my previous post and try my best.
I started going to every close restaurant and asking if they need any servers or anything. Surprisingly, not too long after i landed a VERY mediocre job, but it was barely enough to afford rent (rent as in living in 1 tiny room) and afford university and eat.
Throughout the next 2 years, it was hell. I was alive, but not living. Alcohol became my best friend, which even though it might sound bad, I was lucky enough to be a functioning addict (id like to avoid thinking what it has done to my health tho, recent blood tests look horrible lol). I unfortunately got into a weird and bad habit of enjoying being sad. I'd get drunk and watch sad stuff or whatever and enjoy feeling sad and crying. It was very toxic. I also picked up the habit of cutting, which unfortunately left a couple scars. I do not care tho, as I am still alive and no one can say anything to me about silly scars that can even remotely affect me after what I've been through.
Another thing to mention that happened throughout these 2 years (there's a lot so I'm trying to remember main points and keep it relatively "short") is that food and weight became a big hurdle. I was walking to work everyday, and it wasn't too far, but my caloric intake was very little. So I was struggling to maintain a healthy weight. A tip for someone in a similar situation is that canned foods like beans are a godsend, add to that some bread and you're good on calories for very cheap.
Anyways, long story short, hell kept on going, but I managed to finish my bachelor's with a 3.3 GPA. Before my last semester even ended, I started applying left and right to every known university on planet earth -
Long story short, I am now in France, doing my masters, working part time as well as some online freelancing, and living - not just alive. I know for many how I am currently living is laughable, but to me, being able to eat a burger at a restaurant and not worry too much about it is heavenly right now. I'm even able to save money and spend some every month on vanity items.
There's a LOT that I wish I could spend hours and hours talking about, but for now, I just wanted to keep it as a little update to the curious VERY KIND souls that are still messaging me - as well as a very minor message to the desperate people out there, that you can TRULY make it.
Everyone always sees these "You can do it too!", but it never feels genuine. You always can see this 1 difference that they go over that is actually the game changer. So I urge you, look at my previous post. Look at what my situation was - country, family, financials, mental health - and then tell me, is it impossible for you to make it as well ? By no means am I saying I'm a super hero, or that I'm the exception or lucky or special, I genuinely had no luck going through this, just work. (I wanted to type hard work, but hard work implies I was doing work better than the average person, when I was not, by hard work I would rather it mean working while barely having any mental capacity for the will to live)
In any case, that's enough from me for now. I'm probably gonna answer the questions (if any) I get on this, to hopefully shed more light over some gaps of these past 4 years and my situation, so feel free to ask anything !
From a random stranger - lovya stranger :p
PS. Even 4 years later I STILL cannot thank enough the kind souls that replied to my last post, so if any of you are here, THANK YOU SO MUCHHH.
