I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/DatePrudent4675, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for scolding my husband in front of his children, parents and in-laws?

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, manipulation, deadbeat, financial abuse and exploitation

Original Post: May 15, 2024

(Throwaway account because my husband knows my main account)

The title sounds messed up already, but hear me out. I (34F) live together with my husband (35M), two children (6F & 8M) and his parents. We've been married for over a decade and I love him, but let's just say he's not the easiest to make compromises with and usually hates it when things don't go his way. I'll quickly list a few examples below:

• He has been unemployed for 2-3 years. He's lazy to find a job, but uses the excuse of "taking care of the kids" to stay at home everyday.

• He wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. I told him before that it's inappropriate to dress like that in front of our kids (especially my daughter who's growing up), but he always says "my house, my rules".

• He's a very heavy smoker. He usually smokes 2-3 packs a day. The worst part about this is that he smokes INSIDE the house (bedroom/living room). This is despite the fact that his mother has emphysema (a lung condition that can cause breathing difficulties) and that he stays near the kids while at home. I always tell him to smoke outside to protect his mom and our kids from the secondhand smoke, but he says he doesn't care and that he's too lazy to go out every 20-30 minutes just to smoke.

• Because he's unemployed, I have to give him cash everyday for him to purchase cigarettes. Sometimes he'll even demand money from his own parents or my parents if he feels like smoking more.

The last straw for me came just a few days ago. My parents came to visit us for a couple of weeks. The eight of us were supposed to have a family meal together. I asked him to put some clothes on out of respect for both our parents, but he refused and chose to remain in boxers. I also told him to cut down on smoking while my parents were staying over because both of them are asthmatic.

To my utter shock, he pulled out a cigarette and lighter DURING DINNER and started smoking AT THE DINNER TABLE. My mom started coughing profusely and she told him to only smoke after dinner, but he got agitated and told her to "shut the f up". I was extremely fed up at this point and scolded him in front of everyone, telling him off about all the pointers I listed off earlier.

It's been a few days and he still hasn't talked to me since that night (apart from asking me for money). Was I too harsh on him? Am I in the wrong for scolding him in front of everyone else? Please give some advice on what to do because I've been feeling guilt-ridden and having trouble falling asleep the past couple of days. Thank you!

EDIT: To everyone who's suggesting me to not give him money, I've tried that before. But he'll just give me the silent treatment and REFUSE to do the household chores until I give in. His parents have tried this as well, but he just threatens to kick them out of the house whenever they do this.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Comments

Confident_Macaron_15: NTA - he scolded your mother with profanity, but expects to be treated any differently? I know you said you love your husband, but living with him just sounds so awful. One of the best life lessons I received from a psychologist was that love is actually not a feeling - it’s an action. How is he showing love to you and your family?

Consistent-Tree6802: The only question here is why on earth are you still wasting your time and life on this loser? You deserve so much more ❤️

1000% NTA

Update - AITA for asking my husband to make so many compromises? May 17, 2024

Hi everyone, I made a post a few days ago in this thread (also in my profile) titled "AITA for scolding my husband in front of his children, parents and in-laws?", where I shared about the situation between me and my husband.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming feedback and advice. After serious considerations, I sat down with him and his parents to talk to him about his behaviour and to seek changes. He has been very receptive and is willing to change for the better, but new problems have surfaced.

Just as I did in the previous post, I'll list down point by point on what we went over, as well as the compromises that were made:

• I mentioned that he has been unemployed for 2-3 years. He has agreed to look for jobs and will no longer be a househusband on the weekdays. In return, he has asked his parents to do all the household chores instead, and for me to help out with the chores when I get home from work, which I am fine with.

• I mentioned that he wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. After much persuasion, he has agreed to wear shorts when guests come over and during family mealtimes, but he still refuses to wear a shirt regardless of the occasion.

• I mentioned that he's a very heavy smoker who usually smokes 2-3 packs a day INSIDE the house (bedroom/living room), despite the fact that his mother has emphysema (a lung condition that can cause breathing difficulties) and that he stays near the kids while at home. Regarding this, we told him to smoke outside at a nearby car park, but he refused to do so as he said he's lazy to wear a shirt to go outside. The compromise we've come to is that he'll smoke along the open corridor outside our flat, but in boxers. He'll only smoke 1 pack a day on weekdays and 3.5 packs a day on the weekends.

• I mentioned that I have to give him cash everyday for him to purchase cigarettes. Sometimes he'll even demand money from his own parents or my parents if he feels like smoking more. He has agreed to only using the money from his job to purchase cigarettes.

However, we've tried this new "system" out for around 36 hours now and a new problem has already surfaced. Our neighbors (who have children of their own) can now see him smoking along the corridor in boxers every 20-30 minutes. They've confronted him already, saying that he's spreading secondhand smoke to them and setting a bad example for their kids. But he told them that he "does not give a flying f" about their family, which caused them to become even angrier.

I'm thankful to him for making so many drastic changes to his daily routine and lifestyle, but it seems like his conpromises aren't enough to get us out of trouble completely. How should I handle the situation? Should I ask him to make even more compromises (which will definitely piss him off)? Thank you.

Note: Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Please do not suggest it anymore in the comments.

Comments

Unhappy_Energy_741: YTA. Nothing changed. He half told you what you wanted to hear. But you obviously don't really care anyway. Just fucken leave his nasty ass.

Money-Age6517: Yta for keeping your children in this environment. You have an excuse for everything.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP