AITAH for leaving my fiancee after I learned there were strippers at her bachelorette party?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TASoDHype

AITAH for leaving my fiancee after I learned there were strippers at her bachelorette party?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity

Original Post  May 16, 2024

What the title reads basically. I(29M) and my ex-fiancee(29F) were together for 5 years. We should have been married now in the normal conditions but I broke up with her and cancelled the wedding 2 days before it because they invited male strippers to bachelorette party. I am personally not a fan of these parties but reluctantly agreed after both groom & bride side confirmed we would keep it simple. I told my ex-fiancee I am not comfortable with strippers or other kind of crazy things. She agreed. I also told my friends if they were to do a stupid thing without me knowing, we would have problems.

We stayed at my friends' summer house and chilled there by the pool, did some wow raids and played board games. My ex-fiancee and her friends went to a restaurant then rented an airbnb. There was no problem during the night and next day I asked how things went. She and her close friends said it was really chill and good. We returned to the city centre after that. I encountered another bridesmaid that day when I was shopping for a bracelet for my ex-fiancee for her upcoming birthday. I asked that girl how's everything as we were in the same department at the college but rarely talk now. She is closer with my fiancee than me. She said it's going good and last night was crazy with all the strippers. After saying that she looked uncomfortable. I asked her about the details but she was not willing to tell much. I think she realized she should not have talked about it. I laughed, said goodbye and left.

I confronted my fiancee and she seemed surprised about it. She was denying it first, then told me nothing crazy happened and one of the bridesmaids invited strippers. I reminded her that it was a strict boundary for me. I asked about the details but she said there was nothing much with strippers just solo dances and that's it. I told her I need some time to think. Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated). Things happened after that but in the end I decided to break up and cancel the wedding. I lost some money since it was only 2 days before the wedding. Things are not cool right now. My head is messed up, I get criticism from everyone and no idea about what to do. My sister told me to see a therapist to process my thoughts and feelings. That is what I'll do next. Some mutuals suggested me that I should reconsider things and stop being so whiny about such a small thing. I do not think it's such a small thing especially when they all tried to hide it from me.

AITAH here?

ADDITIONAL INFO

OOP

Everyone is telling different things. One person says it was crazy, my ex says it was just solo dance, another person says it was different. I do not know whom to believe to be honest and that's one of the reasons I lost trust here. Apparently, the stripper was naked and that even alone is a dealbreaker for me.There is no way for me to know what happened that night and why she did not even bother with calling me or telling me about it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

INFO: I get your boundaries were completely stomped on, but before I can give a judgement, I need a bit more info.

Did gf know ahead of time, or was she ambushed once drunk and away from home? How far from home was she? What would you have done if she’d called you tearfully and told you her friends had gone behind her back to organise strippers, but she was too drunk / didn’t have a vehicle to drive to leave?

ETA: how has she been with these friends since?

OOP

We were about 30-40 mins away from each other. If she called me, I would have gone to take her. If my friends invited a stripper without my knowledge(we both agreed it's unacceptable), I would call her and let her know. If available, would leave the place if not would probably take an Uber or have her pick me up.

She is not doing well with her friends. It's chaos.

Update  May 17, 2024

Original Post

I read most of the comments in the original post and thank you for the advice. My problem was that not her being blindsided by her friends but lying. Every bridesmaid told different things and none of them gave details about what happened. I believe you can understand it just shatters the trust and makes you think there is something going on.

I thought there was something wrong with me after reading the comments. There were a lot of YTAs and I thought I should apologize. One of the bridesmaid  reached out to me last evening. I suspect she saw the post somewhere and recognized it. I knew my fiancee was having problems with her friends since last week but I did not know the extent. Apparently, my ex-fiancee and her close friends blamed the girl that I encountered at mall about everything. This divided the group and led into a verbal fight. I will skip the personal details here but in the end she told me my ex-fiancee and other bridesmaids got sexual with the strippers. My fiancee was the only one who had boyfriend/fiancee/spouse(at least monogamously) there to my knowledge. Also, I was told by her that my ex-fiancee was not blindsided with stripper invites. She was happy to see the strippers and was relieved she had an excuse. I do not have proof for all of these but I got a short video of girls making out with strippers. One of the girls is my ex-fiancee and that's enough.

She has been trying to reach out to me since we broke up. I confronted her again. At first, she denied it again then it became we just touched, then okay we kissed too, okay I gave him a handjob, finally I was coerced into doing these by others as I pressed on. I just blocked her after the last part. I did not see any need to learn further. I was hurt already but learning that I got cheated on hurt more. I am not sure if it's the full truth even now. I will never know but all I can say is it hurts. I will go to a therapist to not carry my luggage to my next relationship. I lost 15K from the wedding related things and need to focus on filling the hole for a while.

Some misogynists made weird comments about women and I'll just ignore them. Some of the people told me I am an insecure, unfunny nerd for playing WoW on my bachelor party. Isn't the whole point of bachelor parties having "one last fun". It was raiding non-stop with the boys for me, not having one last sexual interaction with a stranger or having a stranger's butt on my face or penis. I will not miss on out these during marriage anyways(omitting the stranger part).

That's it. It's therapy time tomorrow and thank you for the help.

TL;DR: Bitter truth was revealed bit by bit. Ex-fiancee had sexual interaction with a stripper.  It's therapy time.

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