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I (26F) found out that my husband (27M) has been keeping a secret box of “mementos” on the top shelf of our closet and I don’t know what to do about it or if I should even bring it up

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: stalking, obsessive behavior

  Nov 26, 2023

I (26F) found out that my husband (27M) has been keeping a secret box of “mementos” on the top shelf of our closet and I don’t know what to do about it or if I should even bring it up

I honestly don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to talk about this, I genuinely am in disbelief.

So backstory my husband (let’s call him Lee) and I have been together since our sophomore year in highschool. We were each others first everythings, and for the most part I feel like we honestly have a picturesque marriage.

I’m currently five months pregnant with our first child, and have taken it upon myself to DIY the guest bedroom into a nursery, but to do that I wanted to sort through the stuff in there and get rid of anything unnecessary.

I think it’s relevant to say that I’m pretty short (5’2) so I don’t really store things up high since I can’t reach, but my husband’s a foot taller than me so he doesn’t have this tendency.  Which is how I found the “memento” box on the top shelf.

It was just a plain cardboard box, so i didn’t think much of it at first, but since I didn’t remember putting it up there I wanted to see if it was something that needed to go into storage or if it was just junk.

I don’t know what I was expecting, but inside the box there was a photo album, a trash bag, and a black leather bag. The album just had my name plus Lee’s written on the cover, so I thought it’d be something sweet- because Lee has a tendency to gift me sentimental things- but no.

The album was full of nude pictures of myself, all of them marked with dates and a short journal like entry! The first one was from our first time from when we were teens, and the latest one was marked from the night I surprised him with my pregnancy announcement. Most of the pictures are poor quality, but some are clearly of me sleeping after the “deed”. These journal entries talk about how he ranks each experience and his favorite part of it- like some weird log book?

Inside the bags were some of my lingerie and even some old razors and hair brushes? I don’t know why on earth he keeps them, but he has two bags full!

I don’t know how- or what- to do. I mean is this normal behavior? Is this some twisted form of romance on his part? A part of me feels like I shouldn’t feel as disgusted as I am, but this violates my own boundaries since I explicitly told him in the past that I was against sending or giving him any nude photos.

Reddit what do I do, I love my husband, but I’m not sure how to confront him about this.

TOP COMMENTS

savleighhh

No, this is not normal. At all. This is also not romantic. At all. The fact that he took pictures of you sleeping and has them in an album is incredibly concerning. Him ranking times yall had sex is setting off more red flags. This is creepy and inappropriate behavior. I can’t imagine my fiancé taking pictures of me sleeping let alone him keeping a log of our sex life! Girl you have to show him the box and demand answers and don’t go easy on him. None of this is okay or normal and you should really be concerned as to why he thinks any of that is okay

~

love2rp4

Taking creepy pictures of you as you sleep naked, and having naked photos of you as a minor in general, and then rating every sexual experience with you is not normal at all. The lingerie too and the razors and hair brushes make it even creepier. This is creepy obsessed stalker shit.

~

[deleted]

What in the Joe Goldberg

OOP Updated March 30, 2024 Same post (5 months later)

Update: So I’m not sure if anyone cares, and while I didn’t reply to any of the comments, I did end up talking with my husband about this just a few days ago.

I’m not going to lie I wanted to just act like I didn’t see anything and go on with my happy life, but after giving birth to my baby girl about a month and a half ago, I guess the stress and everything added up and I let it slip in an argument.

I don’t remember all that was said, but I was exhausted and my husband (while he’s been super helpful and took over the household chores for me and helps out with babygirl) had just been getting on my nerves, I sort of exploded on him in a way I’m not proud of.

Worst of all he wasn’t even doing anything, all he had been doing was reminiscing about how I used to make a Sims family of us when I was in uni, and how creepy it was (he said it endearingly). I don’t really know why I got so mad, but I basically said something along the lines of how he’s the creepy one because he has a secret stash of stuff hidden from me.

I felt really bad because he got all pale and went quiet, and then he sort of said he needed “space” and went to blow off some steam at the shooting range (which he does a lot when he needs to think so I didn’t question it).

He came back home around dinner and said he was ready to talk. I asked him about all of the things I found, especially the photos. I reminded him again that I never agreed to making nudes of any sort, and he apologized and agreed to burn them.

Apparently our history goes back further than even I knew, as he recounted that we actually met before highschool. I had no idea but his mom (who’s a divorce attorney) was the very same one my mom used when she separated from her first husband (not my dad). I called my mom after to confirm, and she told me it was true, but her and my MIL never told me because my mom’s divorce was messy and she hates talking about it.

Anyways back to the first meeting thing. My MIL (at the time) often had Lee hang out around her office after school, and it was during one of these days that my mom had to take me with her to speak with MIL in person. Lee was actually the boy that I played with in the waiting room? I can’t believe he remembered that, because I totally forgot it?

So according to him that that first meeting was the day “he knew” I was special. Lee told me that while he had tried to pass it off as a crush, as he got older it never really went away, which led him to look into his mom’s case files (in my state attorneys have to keep them for 7 years), and he found my mom on Facebook, then my dad in her friends list and managed to find my first and last name in order to find my Instagram.

He had convinced his parents to let him transfer from his private K-12 school to my public highschool (using the excuse that they had a better athletics program- which isn’t actually farfetched since my high school was one of the best in the state for that) once he found out where I was going (thanks to my dumb self putting it in my bio).

I thought that us meeting was a sheer coincidence, and that we fell in love naturally- a clasic sort of highschool sweethearts. But no. Lee had orchestrated it all.

I took my daughter with me to stay with my mom and stepdad, while Lee agreed to stay home and let me think. I spoke to my mom, as well as MIL and FIL. Lee’s parents are not happy with him in all honesty, and MIL is especially mad because of client confidentiality.

My mom gave me some good advice, that being that I should reflect on it Lee had displayed any other redflag behaviors. I can honestly say that no, he hadn’t, but since I know I’m biased I asked my friends and those close to me if they noticed anything.

So far, everything else about Lee seems to check out. I’ve never felt endangered by him, even when I told him I needed some distance for a few days.

I want to make this marriage work Reddit, but is this something that therapy can fix?

Another Comment From OOP

Hi this is really late for a reply, I’m sorry about that, I wasn’t ready to acknowledge it for a long time.

Lee told me that he didn’t mean anything by it and wanted to just have a keepsake collection of some memorable moments we shared. But he did acknowledge that he knew it was wrong and apologized, and he promised me he’d get rid of the pictures by burning them.

OOP UPDATED IN A COMMENT ON A DIFFERENT POST

  July 2, 2024

Lee and I have since been going to couple’s counseling, and he’s going to individual therapy. After the whole drama that happened a few months ago, he sort of had a “come to Christ moment” where he realized that the way he had been obsessing over the idea of me wasn’t the same as a healthy love.

We spent a few weeks apart so he could work on himself and he turned over his devices passwords and accounts to me so that I could go through and calm my worries because I was really anxious about the explicit photos

Since then though we’re back in our house and with our baby girl, and our marriage is back on track and better for it

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Okay so me and this girl have been talking for a long time and we’re close friends and I’ve started to develop feeings for her, I swear something else is there on here side too but that doesn’t matter rn. Anyways, we go on plenty of dates and just drive around as well. last night when I dropped her off we said our goodbyes and I walked her to her door. When I got back in my truck I moved the blanket (my car blanket for comfort) that she placed on the passenger seat to the back and I noticed a small puddle no bigger than a little water spill right on the seat, at first I thought I had spilled water and she had sat on it but when I went to clean it with a napkin it was warm. I picked up the napkin and it smelled of pee. I wasn’t mad or bothered at all just concerned if she was okay and or confused why she didn’t tell me. Well tonight after an actual date that we both talked about we went for a drive and the same thing happened pretty much but this time it was a huge amount of pee. Like you can see her butt and leg outline from where it soaked. Before going inside she said that she was going to tell me something but she forgot, she looked nervous at this point but I played it cool and tried to show I didn’t notice and again I’m not mad, I’m just wondering how to bring it up??

Edit: Conclusion

First off i really wasn’t expecting this to blow up… like at all. But yet here we are. I have a couple of things to say, thank you for all the kind words and advice on what I should do. I listened to it and I decided that I will not be telling her, I don’t want to embarrass her or make us become distant because of it. So I will take this to the grave with me. If she ever decides to bring it up I will let her know that I knew and I will be comforting and supportive of it.

Secondly, a lot of you people are sick and need help lol, too many fetishes and weirdos. Also, why am I being accused of having a pee fetish when all I did was just discover pee?? 😂 and what’s with all the Seinfeld references 😂 please don’t tell me this was an actual episode in the show. Also my truck has regular cushion seats and not leather, so to all the people saying sweat. It’s not sweat.

Lastly, thank you all again for the kind words, I genuinely hope that her and I will have a future together because she’s a wonderful person. And to all the people saying rub her nose in it and hit her or confront her in a rude way, it’s just pee. There’s no big deal here, I never minded or was upset that she had peed twice in my truck. you lot will never be with a woman who actually means anything to you and genuinely makes you happy, And I hope you rot in hell and that you stay lonely forever. <3

I (27m) found out one of the big reasons I married my wife (27f) was a lie.

We started dating at 18, right after I joined the military(she is a local where I got stationed). About 3months into dating I found out I was being deployed. I pretty much gave her the option to break off the relationship. Because that’s totally not fair to her. Well she said “let’s keep In touch ”, so that’s what we did(We stopped dating but kept in touch). We officially started dating again around the end of my deployment. I knew for those few months at the beginning of my deployment, she was probably dating around. But when I came back, she had told me that she never met with anyother guy or dated since I’ve been gone. She said that she waited until I came back. I took this as a huge green flag(ik how gullible I am for believing that, but I was 18 lol). Well, I took that green flag seriously into account before I decided to pop the question a couple years later.

Fast forward Im happily married to her with 2 sons. Recently, our toddler needed a tablet to watch dancing fruit and such. We decided to use her old iPad (This Ipad hadn’t been used since the beginning of our relationship). I forgot to turn on guided access before putting our other son down for a nap. Welp our oldest Son figured out how to FaceTime people. He pretty much FaceTimed a bunch of her family members and a couple of her old “friends”. After I heard people talking to my son, I ran in and ended the call. Some of the people my son called had hearts and heart eye emojis, I got curious and opened the messages (they didn’t pick up my sons FT attempt, thank god). Then I saw some sexual messages dated back when I was on my first deployment. She was with a couple guys after I left on my first deployment, this hurt me pretty bad. Especially after reading those texts. Should I even bring this up to her? It was so long ago. We weren’t officially dating and she hasn’t talked to those guys since then. But,her saying she “waited for me” was a big factor into asking her to marry me a couple years later. Ik I shouldn’t have clicked those old messages, wish I never did.

Edit: No I don’t wanna divorce my wife. She’s a great mother and wife. I’ve also since gotten out of the military.

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is .**

Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault.

, Posted February 14th, 2023.

Throwaway because he uses reddit.

So as the title says, he's terrified of having sex with me. We've been together for almost 6 months now, and every time I attempt to get intimate (He's never initiated), he always manages to deflect so smoothly, I don't even realize at the moment. He's fine with kissing and cuddling, and about 50% of the time he just walks up and kisses me while I'm doing something, or just grabs me to cuddle, but if I take it further, he'll change the topic or the mood.

Like if we're watching a movie or something, and I start feeling him up, he'll turn it into play-wrestling, and after we're done, I'm usually too sweaty or tired to have sex.

I'm cool if he's waiting until marriage or something, because other than this one thing, he's an otherwise amazing person, but I just need him to say that! None of this weird deflection stuff that's driving me mad. If at any point, he'd said, "I don't want to have sex for X reason." I'd have either accepted it, or broken up with him. I've been single long enough to know how to look after myself, so it's not like I need him to sleep with me. We used to only see each other on weekends, but I haven't tried anything since he moved in a month ago, because I realized that I'd just get turned down, and I know how annoying it feels to be harassed into having sex.

Before anyone starts with the "Red flag girrrl, break up with him!!!" Or some crap, he's a great boyfriend and person. He's thoughtful, loving, smart (He's working towards his PhD in biochemistry), and also super attractive.

This weekend, we both got kind of drunk (me more than him), and for whatever reason, he was looking so sexy, that I couldn't resist myself. He kissed me, and instead of just kissing him back normally, I shoved my hand down his pants. It was like I electrocuted him. He jerked away, and the expression on his face was one of pure terror. And I didn't really realize that until this morning. I just thought I accidentally scratched him down there or something. He just quietly put away the drinks, and pushed me to bed (We usually sleep together, but just sleep). I passed out afterward, and I think he slept in the guest bedroom, but I don't know because he's really good at cleaning things up and I woke up around 1 pm with a super hazy memory.

The only reason I realized that that night was real, was because he fucking flinched when I kissed him after lunch (He made really good scrambled eggs). And he's been a bit more, I guess wary? Around me when I hug him, or crawl into his lap to cuddle (Normal stuff that he was fine with). Like if my hand even goes near his thighs, he'll shift away, or hold my hands, or something else.

And I don't even know how to bring it up, because it's such a weird question. Do I just ask him, "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" From previous experience with my exes, blunt questions usually don't go over well, and I don't want to tank this relationship over something so simple.

TLDR: I tried to have drunk sex with bf this weekend, he freaked out, and now he's being super cautious whenever I touch him.

Edit: First of all, for those of you accusing me of sexual assault, when we were making out, he was lying down, I was straddling his waist while holding his face, and he had his arms wrapped around my back and head, pulling me into him. From previous experience, this is usually the part where clothes come off, so I assumed it would be fine. It was not. My bad, and he doesn't seem to be mad at me and is acting normal.

I apologized for the weekend, and he just waved it off and said it was fine, I was drunk and it was just a shock. I said I wouldn't do it again, and he just smiled and kissed my cheek, so I think we're good. Also, from what I could feel, yes he has a penis and no it isn't small.

About his sexuality, I'm like 99% certain he isn't gay, but I don't know if he's asexual.

Second: We didn't get to talk about the sex thing, because he came home upset because apparently the transduction didn't work properly, and now he has to regrow the cell lines or something? I didn't really understand it but he's upset so we just kind of cuddled, ordered pizza, and now he's sleeping (With me this time).

Relevant Comments:

You moved in with a guy that you can't have a super basic relationship conversation with? And you sexually assaulted someone who has repeatedly made it clear they don't want to have sex with you?

How about you just tell him how you feel about not having sex in a relationship and then asking him how he feels? Your question wasn't bad because it's blunt. It's bad because it's making his feelings about you.

I did not sexually assault him, we were kissing after a romantic dinner, and I was kind of on top of him, grabbing his head, and he was like pulling me into him, and I took it a little bit further. It's not like I just randomly grabbed his crotch out of nowhere. And he moved in because his rent increased and Im closer to his university.

When I asked my ex-bf for less sex because he wanted it every night, he broke up with me. I don't want to lose my current one because I want sex.

Deleted Comment.

Yeah, I was not trying to assault him. Like I said in the post, if at any point he directly says he doesn't want to sleep with me, I'll either accept it or break up.

I'll apologize for what I did, and I'll never do it again, but idk how to even approach this. Every other bf I had was horny 24/7, so it just feels weird being the one who asks for it.

You need to talk to him about last night and what his deal is.

If he wants to wait? then put it on the table. If he's been assaulted (edit: previously and not by you) and it's untreated? That can be treated. If he has bad training from religious parents? etc.

Without knowing *WHY*? any advice here is going to... do nothing.

Long term? he's a great guy but what guarantee do you have that he won't be the exact same way on your wedding night?

You need to talk to him. Apologize for being drunk. Apologize for hurting him. Ask what's going on and what you two need to do to move forward as you're warm for his form and you want to move forward.

Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight when he gets home. Thanks for not accusing me of sexual assault

, Posted June 16th, 2023.

Before we get into the update, I want to answer a few questions.

1. Why did you let him move in? Because his rent was going up by like 250 dollars a month at the end of last year, he would be locked in a 6-month contract, and I own my apartment. I'm giving him a 50% discount on his old rate because of a "Boyfriend discount" I made up. He wanted to pay me the full amount, but I refused and he decided to do most of the chores around the house, so it's fine. So far no problems.

2. Why did you never talk about sex before? I just felt super awkward talking about it so clinically, and as one of the commenters mentioned, I wanted sex to happen organically, not because I pestered him into doing it.

Now onto the update itself!

I started off with an apology about what I did on Saturday again, and he waved it off just like last time, saying that I was drunk and it was just a shock. I still don't believe it was sexual assault like most of you say, and more of me reading the situation wrong, but it was wrong of me to do it when I knew he didn't want to take it any further than kissing.

Then I started to poke into why he doesn't want to have sex with me, and like one of the commenters said, I made it more gentle. I said it almost word for word what LordBeeWood said and his response broke my heart. Fortunately, it isn't because he's gay, asexual, a virgin, or has a micro-penis.

He started off by going quiet, and it took a little more probing before he asked me not to laugh, and I feared it was the micro-penis, but it was far worse. This man was SAed twice, once as a teenager by a teacher (Which would also be pedophila), and once a few years ago at a party. And both times, no one really took him seriously and some of them fucking congratulated him on getting with the women. He tried to go to the cops the first time, and they made his life so much of a living hell that his family moved towns.

And the second SA was almost just as bad. My boyfriend is a 6'2, somewhat fit, and very attractive man, so the girl who SAed him at a party basically blackmailed him into having sex with her by saying that she would scream rape, and no one would believe it was him who's innocent.

And because no one other than his parents really took the events seriously, he thought that I would laugh at him too. Obviously I didn't, and at this point he was kind of crying, so I just hugged him and we sat there like that for a while. Honestly, the only reason I reacted so calmly was because after reading the comments I prepared myself for him to say he got SAed. Thanks for that, because I probably would have panicked and ruined my relationship otherwise. I apologized again, now that I knew his history, and he said that it brought back memories, and that's why he reacted like that. Now I feel horrible, and he doesn't seem to hold a grudge, but I'm still going to do something really nice for him. He always wanted to go to skiing, so maybe I could book a weekend at a nearby mountain the next time he's free.

I asked if he was open to having sex with me, and he said that he's been trying ever since he moved in, but he was also terrified that he would have like a breakdown or something, and that's why he's been giving mixed signals. Every time we sleep together, he wants to do more than just sleep, but he's just been afraid. I said that I was willing to wait however long it took, and suggested therapy, but therapist waitlists here are really long, especially for the ones we found who deal with trauma, so I don't know how long that would take.

We both promised to actually talk to each other, and I also reassured him that I would always take any problems he has seriously and not laugh, even if he thinks it's shameful. Things are looking up!

He wants to have sex with me, and we're going to take it slow for now to sort of ease him into it, so maybe I'll set up something romantic this weekend and woo him.

I cooked him some of his favorite food for dinner, and now he isn't tensing up when I touch him, so baby steps :)

Anyway, thank you guys for the advice, because while I was worrying about the micro-penis or gay thing, sexual assault never actually crossed my mind, so thanks for the help.

TLDR: It was trauma, and we're working through it now

**Reminder - I am not OP.**

Well, as I explained in the title, I'm (F25) having this issue with my boyfriend (M30), whom I've been dating for a year. Overall, we've had a pretty good relationship and I'm happy.

When we started dating, I discovered he was very frugal, which was great because so am I! However, as the year has gone by I've started noticing that his concept of frugal is very different to mine, and it's reached a point where it's putting a strain on my finances since I'm kind of 'supporting' both of us. Here are a few examples:

• Unless I suggest otherwise and plan dates, we never go out. If we do go out, he'll only go if I pay for whatever activity I've planned. He's good with not going out on dates and just staying home, which I like but it gets boring after a while

• He doesn't do grocery shopping and doesn't like cooking, he only gets take out or once in a while he gets a meal delivery service. A lot of times, when I go over to his place and I get hungry I'm either stuck eating junk food snacks (I prefer to starve than eating processed trash) or I have to go grocery shopping and pay it out of my own pocket, and then cook for both of us

• He eats a lot, and whenever he comes to my place he likes me to cook extra so he can have leftovers to take home. I'm okay with this, however, my grocery bill is going up and I'm having to cut corners in other areas of my life, for example, I've stopped driving to work and now I walk 1hr both ways to save on gas to offset the extra grocery costs.

• I'm going on a trip next week, I asked him if he'd like to come too and he agreed after I sent him a spreadsheet with all the costs (flight, expenses, etc.) and he agreed to it. I bought the plane tickets and booked the hotel a few weeks ago and he doesn't seem to have any intention to pay his share of the expenses. Like, it's okay - It's taking a dent on my savings but I can afford this without going into debt - I'd just appreciate a lot if he'd told me beforehand he was up for going to the trip only if I paid for it?

For reference, it's not like my boyfriend is a broke student or trying to save money because of debt, he makes more than twice as much money as I make, has no debt, no weird addictions and his net worth is well over a million*. I have no interest in him paying for things or treating me like a sugar baby,* I'd just like him to pay his share of joint expenses and dates but I don't want to start this conversation and have him believe I'm just with him for his money.

He's brought up his concerns about money, and how he never discloses how much he makes, etc. because he doesn't want women to be after his money, and he doesn't like to spend it because he has a weird OCD about seeing his bank account go up and only up, but this is coming at the expense of mine going down so...Yeah.

I don't know what to do.

TL;DR: My(F25) boyfriend (M30) never pays for anything - despite having plenty of money - so I have to which is starting to take a toll on my finances. I'm no longer sure if I can afford to have a boyfriend.

Update for anyone interested: We broke up the day after this post. He was actually her therapist around 2 years ago but isn’t currently. They started texting again start of this year and she swears it’s just friends but she still lied. Thank you to all the comments helping me see it for what it is.

My gf (25f) and I (28m) have been together for 3 years. She started therapy 3 months ago due to her mental health getting pretty bad. Therapy seems like it’s working for her so I’ve always been supportive of it. She’s been happier, more positive and a lot less anxious. I don’t know much about her therapy except she found him through a recommendation and her sessions have been online.

A couple days ago, I was using her phone and she got messages from a name I didn’t recognise. The messages were pretty innocent (how are you, asking about her work day, if she ate yet). I asked her who it was and she said it was her therapist. I was curious and looked up his name and was honestly surprised at his photo. He didn’t fit my perception of a therapist, and to be honest he’s exactly her type.

I had a weird feeling and checked her phone while she was asleep. There’s a lot of messages between them, texts back and forth every single day which I think some are flirty, phone calls on days she doesn’t have a session. One in particular from a few weeks ago was about a concert she went to. She asked him if he was going, he said maybe, and I assumed he went as she messaged him later that she got home safe and he said goodnight with a smiley face. She goes out a lot and didn’t mention anything about that night. I stopped scrolling after that.

(Edit to add info): We live in South America, and apparently in our country, if he has a license from a different country he can practice here but I’m unclear if he also needs to register here because a lot of expats also work online illegally.

This makes me wildly uncomfortable and I don’t know how to bring it up with her. I honestly don’t know if she sees this as inappropriate. How do I tell her I find her relationship with her therapist inappropriate?

30 mins later (I hung around because I didn't want to drive mad)

I get told 16 will be on the next check. I say I want it back paid. 16 was the original agreement. I'm past my probation period and was going to be asking for more then 16 as of today.

I can't believe them. They've lied to me twice now. I can't trust them to give me increased pay 'next check' and I won't work for someone's I can't trust.

There are a hundred places I can work at. I bet all of them will be less stressful then this place AND pay more.