r/Jokes

A man gets shipwrecked on an island and his only two companions are a dog...and a pig. He manages to find plenty of food for the three of them, and they settle in for a long stay as the man tries to think of a way for the three of them to get back to civilization.

After a month of being stranded, the man starts to feel...lonely. He finds himself more and more often looking at the pig as a possible... companion. One night, he can't stand it anymore and he starts putting the moves on the pig. He strokes it, tries to kiss it, and is just about to go in for the kill when the dog starts barking furiously, baring it's teeth and growling.

"You're right, you're right, " the man says to the dog. "I shouldn't be doing that. I'll try to control myself." The dog accepts his apology, and the three of them go on existing on the island.

Another month goes by, and the man starts to feel... lonely again. One night after dinner, he starts to caress the pig, whispering sweet nothings to it. He kisses the pigs cheeks, and is just about to get himself into position when once again the dog starts barking, growling, and baring it's teeth.

"You're right, you're right," the man says to the dog. "For better or for worse, we're in this together. I shouldn't be trying to take advantage of our friend here. I'm sorry." The three of them go back to living on the island, and the man goes back to trying to think of a way they can get home.

Another month goes by, and all of a sudden a woman washes up on shore. She's the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen, and he's absolutely beside himself. As she comes walking up, he can't help but jump up and say

"I'm so happy you're here. Do you think you could keep this dog occupied for a few minutes?"

I heard this from my genius nine-year-old grandson. No idea where he got it from, but I had never heard it before.

An old lady is shopping in a supermarket. She comes up to the cashier with six cans of cat food. "I'm sorry," says the cashier, "I can't sell you cat food unless you can prove to me that you own a cat."

"Why?" says the old lady.

"Our manager heard that old people are buying cat food and eating it themselves, and he finds that unacceptable."

"That's ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip?" says the old lady. But sha goes home and gets her cat, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the cat food.

A few days later she comes back to the store and comes up to the cashier with a big box of dog biscuits.

"I'm sorry, I can't sell you those unless you prove to me that you have a dog."

"Ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip again?" But she goes home and gets her dog, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the dog biscuits.

A few days later the old lady comes back to the store carrying a small box, and approaches the same cashier.

"What's in the box?" the cashier asks.

"Stick your finger in this hole and find out."

"Oh no, you've got a snake or something that will bite me or scratch me in there!"

"No, there's nothing alive in it," says the old lady.

So the cashier sticks a finger in the hole, feels something soft, takes the finger out and says "Ew! That smells like poo!"

"It is poo!" says the old lady. "Now can I buy some toilet paper?"

And motions for the paramedic to roll down their window

“You know, we have pretty much the same job” says the delivery driver

“Yeah, and how’s that?”

“We both try to deliver them warm”