I am not The OOP, OOP is

My husband is mad that I refuse to give my stepdaughter cash gift after graduating from high school, like I did with my stepson and later with my daughter

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: bullying, body shaming, mentions of an eating disorder, harassment, entitlement

  Jan 20, 2022

Hi! I’m a 43 years old woman. I have one daughter 18. Her father left us when I was pregnant with her. I own a small company in interior design and it’s very successful in my country. I make a very good living. I met my husband 55, about 8 years ago. He moved in with me 7 years ago and we got married 2 years ago in a private ceremony. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. Boy 20 and a girl 19.

Both my stepchildren hated me and my daughter in the beginning of the relationship. When my husband asked them how they’d feel about him moving together with me they both initially hated the idea and told him that if he did it they would just stay permanently with their mother. After a while my husband moved in anyway and said to them that they were welcome should they change their mind. They did, after seeing the big house with the pool and all all great accommodations. The boy started liking us gradually and we’re on great terms now.

The daughter, not so much. She was horrible to me and my daughter and one day when she was 13-14 I heard her making fun of my daughter’s weight and looks to her face. I was livid. I have suffered ED growing up because of bullying so I KNEW how dangerous that was. I knew how my daughter must’ve felt, so I told my husband that stepdaughter was never allowed to live in my house again. My stepdaughter tried to apologize and she was sobbing but I didn’t budge. I had too long of an experience with bullies that I knew it just got worse when they got confronted and had to apologize and I wasn’t going to take the risk. So she moved permanently with her mother(my initial plan was to break up actually but this was my husband’s idea)

She still bullied my daughter in school (they didn’t go to the same high school but my stepdaughter had friends in my daughter’s class that did her bidding. I found about all of this about a year ago. My daughter was embarrassed to tell us and she thought she could manage her bullies. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty that my baby didn’t dare to confide in me.

Uni is free in my country. Students often take student loans (with almost zero interests) and work part time jobs while studying to make ends meet but the education is free. When my stepson started uni however I gave him €100K so he didn’t have to work or anything and just concentrate on his studies (engineering). He was so grateful but told us that he wasn’t sure he could be trusted with a large sum so my husband is handling his money making monthly payments. I am planning to do the same with my daughter.

Stepdaughter graduated with great marks and she’s started medical school this year. She asked her father about her 100K and he came to ask me. I was confused because before I gifted my stepson I asked my husband if I could do it and the reason was because I wasn’t planning on doing the same thing with my stepdaughter. He told me I could do what I wanted and it wasn’t weird at all because My stepson and I had a great relationship and he always saw me as a second mom. He got really mad and told me that my stepdaughter had changed a lot, but it wasn’t true at all. Although she wasn’t living with us anymore she made sure to make our lives a living hell every time she visited and even got physical with my and my daughter. If she started playing nice now it was only because there was money involved and I knew that and my husband knew that too. I even told him that she called my that bitch and even in the phone my number was saved under “that bitch”.

He is now very angry. He hasn’t talked to me in over a week. He’s saying I’m using my money to control their lives and that he’s heartbroken. If I don’t have enough money for both daughters I can split my daughter’s share between them since my daughter isn’t even sure she wants to start college right away (and let’s face it, she will likely never get into med school: his words) Maybe if I did it, stepdaughter would be more grateful and be closer to my daughter. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t owe my stepdaughter anything. My daughter and I have suffered enough because of her ways. She’s could still do like the rest of her peers. Work and take loans and she has a bright future ahead of her. There maybe be some truth in his words about me using my money as a reward/punishment. I an ashamed but still defiant. I should do what I want with my money.

Tl;dr my stepdaughter treated my daughter awfully and that made me exclude her from my plans to help the kids financially while they’re in uni

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TreeCityKitty

So your husband has been just sitting around waiting for you to pay for both his kids? What a charmer.

OOP

He pays alimony and paid child support.

TreeCityKitty

That's good but it sounds like he expects his daughter to receive the same treatment as his son and your daughter. He knows she hasn't treated you or your daughter well and has been a bully to both of you. What makes him think she deserves anything and why does he not insist she treat you both better? Why does he think you owe her anything?

~

FluffyDog423

You uh, you know this man is just with you for your money right?

Right?

You may want to reconsider that whole breaking up plan you had

OOP

Maybe he is.. he never showed anything like that before 😕

FluffyDog423

Well, think about it logically, if your children told you they would never see you again if you moved in with a man, what would you do? I’ll take a wild guess and say you would end it, right? Well, he didn’t. So, we’ve already established he’s a bad dad who doesn’t actually care about his children’s best interests.

Next, his kids didn’t want to move in with you until they realized you were rich. Kids often learn these morals from their parents, so what does it tell you that both kids were suddenly okay with things, and the step daughter threw a fit about leaving the home of a woman she hated, simply because you have nice things? Maybe that they were raised by someone who has a particular interest in the finer things in life.

Continuation of point one, when it came to picking his child or picking your money, again he picked you with the money and permanently kicked his kid out. What the fuck?

Finally, now that you’ve said you won’t give her any money, he’s trying to pretend he’s a good father? But we’ve already established twice, he doesn’t actually give a shit about his kids best interests. And given he’s the one in charge of his son’s money, it stands to reason he’d probably expect the same. Even if he didn’t, again, he’s only willing to ‘be a good dad’ when that involves taking your money. If it involves giving up your money though, oh no his kids can go rot for all he cares.

And I guess one last point, he wanted you to give up providing for your actual child to provide to his, and even decided to insult your kid, so that brings me back to my first point, if you were in a situation where you had to choose between a man and your kid, who would you choose? Because you seem like you’d choose your kid, even before you realize he’s just in it for the money. Remember, truly manipulative people, you never see it coming.

~

Bangbangsmashsmash

He can ask his son to share his money with his sister or he can provide he with some money. He is basically asking you to try to buy your stepdaughter’s affection, and you’re saying you don’t think that’s a good investment with probable returns

OOP

He already tried. Stepson was furious. He’s not in good terms with his sister

throwawayj38sld

Your stepson may wanna put a lock on his account (if you don’t have access) to stop his dad transferring money to the sister behind his back... I wouldn’t put it past him.

And please make sure your own will is ironclad.

You would be rewarding bullies if you gave your SD the cash. And no, it wouldn’t foster a more positive relationship. Your daughter would likely just feel very upset that her nemesis is being rewarded, by her own mum, and it’ll damage that relationship. Don’t do that!

OOP

I have no access to my stepson’s money. I don’t think my husband would do something like that but maybe I need to tell my stepson that he needs to be more cautious? Do I even have the right to do that?

~

Ehzabeth

Wow, I’m so sorry. Honestly the stepdaughter sounds like a total nightmare and I can’t believe she used people to bully a younger girl at a different school. That’s horrid and proves you were right that once you confronted stepdaughter about the bullying it would in fact get worse for your daughter. I think it’s absolutely insane that anyone would expect you to drop that much money on someone who will obviously treat you and your daughter like shit. I know it’s hard on your husband but I think you are more than fair. You paid for your stepson, built a relationship, she isn’t entitled to the same just because she wants money. You aren’t controlling their lives, it sounds like your husband has let your stepdaughter run out of control. You aren’t being controlling not dropping 100k on a kid that would bully yours into social isolation/an ED. Why does she get special treatment over your stepson and your daughter? I hope you don’t pay for her school, this shit will never end if you give in now… next it’ll be her wedding, her house… just gross

Edit- if she’s literally laid hands on you and your daughter I wouldn’t let her near you or your money, she sounds like if she doesn’t get a reality check she will just keep growing into a monster

OOP

Yes, about getting physical. She pushed my daughter so hard that my daughter stumbled and fell over the Christmas tree, two years ago. She said she didn’t mean it my daughter was in her way and she didn’t see her. She didn’t know that I was watching the whole time. She even laughed when my daughter fell. She wasn’t allowed in our house on holidays afterwards. Me, she literally slapped me in the face when she was 14.

That’s what my husband say. That I have kicked her out and forbidden her from visiting on many occasions and his experience is that because I own the house I’m doing this. I wouldn’t be able to do the same if it was his/joint house. I don’t see it like that at all! I always made it clear my daughter came first and if I had to choose between our relationship and my daughter I chose my daughter. In his mind that’s extortion

  Jan 25, 2022

Hi! I have now talked to both my husband and my stepdaughter so I thought I should share it with you if you’re interested. But before that I want to say that I’m very disgusted(although not surprised) by the amount of people who actually took a bully’s side. What I wrote in my first post wasn’t just one-off incidents. any one with more than three brain cells should have understood I wasn’t going to write 8 years worth of bullying and bad behavior in one post to convince bully apologists to understand why I did what I did. Many also talked about how we, as parents, have “failed” the bully. I don’t know how since the two other children we raised turned out to be decent human beings with a lot of empathy for others around them. I only wish everyone who defends bullies, or try to explain away their horrible life scarring behavior, to never have had to deal with one in their or their children’s lives and feel the pain they can inflict on others. I do not regret any of my actions. I saw my stepdaughter for what she was and I acted instinctively. Her young age played little to no roll in my decision to protect my baby. My daughter was and still is my sole priority.

Update: I decided that I should try to confront my stepdaughter directly instead of communicating through my husband or via text so I asked her around for tea. She accepted immediately which was a first. She showed up last Sunday. I sat her and my husband down and I just bluntly asked her why she should expect any financial help from me when she hated my guts. She got defensive and said that she didn’t ask me, she asked her dad. I told her that I knew she wasn’t stupid and she well knew that stepson got his gift from me and not their father. She said what’s the difference you’re married. I told her the difference is that stepson treated me and my daughter as family while she always hated us, bullied her little stepsister even in high school (she was shocked here she didn’t know I have found out about the high school bullying) and I asked her if she would give money to someone she knew hated her half of the amount she hated me and why then she expected Me to do that.

She started crying and apologizing etc. I told her I wasn’t the one she should be apologizing to. I told her that I wished her great success and happiness but that I won’t be helping her financially throughout her education.

My husband was silent the whole time, when she left I told him to never compare our daughters again making my daughter to be the inferior one just because she wasn’t as academically successful as her stepsister. I trust my daughter and I want her to be happy and if she wants to study in a “less prestigious” school so be it! Her happiness is the most important thing to me and I didn’t appreciate him dragging her and comparing her to others when none of what happened has anything to do with her. He tried to apologize and told me he just wanted to help his daughter. I told him he’s free to do that however he wanted, just not on my daughter’s expense.

We have been civil to each other ever since although he’s a bit cold towards me, but hopefully he’s just ashamed of this whole episode. I will give him some space because honestly I need some myself to think things over.

Thank you for listening.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

woolygoldfish99

So when's the divorce party?

OOP

Oh god! I have been thinking nonstop about our future together. I don’t want to make any rash decisions while agitated. I think having my space is a good start for now

A few commenters think OOP handled it wrong and should not have turned her back on the stepdaughter

It was my struggling child or her abuser. It was very easy choice. I hope you do the same for yours :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Mood Spoiler - very satisfying

1 update - Short

- 17th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

My childhood bully has became my coworker and she's bullying me again

When I(18F) was in fifth grade (age 10-11 for any non-Americans), there was these new twins who moved from the other side of the country to join my class. For some reason, these two kids did everything they could to make my life miserable. I think it's because I was socially unaware and a bit odd as a child, but I'm not sure. The boy twin was this very big kid who would regularly beat me up and the girl twin would humiliate and spread rumors about me. Of course, the teachers never did anything about it.

Luckily, these two went to different middle and high schools, so I wasn't bullied and I had a pleasant time in school after that. Most kids were not happy about going to middle school, but I was excited for them to stop torturing me. However, last month, I got a job at a new grocery store in my neighborhood. However, last week, the girl who bullied me got a job at the same grocery store.

At first, I thought "It's been seven years, she probably changed", but just now a few coworkers asked me "Did you really have sex with the manager so you could get hired here?" I shouted at them "NO!" and asked them where they heard that, and they said "The new girl told us"

I don't want to go through this again. I am genuinely considering switching jobs to get away from her. I feel so lost and helpless.

Comments

thrwaway070879

HR is your friend in these situations. She's making it a hostile work environment. Get a notepad and write down every time with the date and time and what the incident was. Keep a record of it.

If you work at a small store with no HR then go to management but skip management if you have an HR go to HR first.

I'm almost positive your manager doesn't want the reputation of being a sleaze and making 18 year olds sleep with him to get hired. If he's a decent person at least.

OOP: The store doesn't have an HR but I'll talk to my manager when I see him

Idrisdancer

Talk to the manager as this rumour is also being spread about him.

ziekktx

Ooooooooooooooh, that's an excellent point. Management don't want to be involved in a sexual harassment lawsuit, and he will help them protect the company in a heartbeat.

Spicy_Sugary

It could be seen as sexual harassment of both parties. She needs to be fired

justthewayim

Yes, the manager could not only fire her but possibly also sue for defamation. Crazy how this girl got to adulthood thinking real life is like school.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 3 days later

The last few days have been pretty chaotic. First of all, I found out the new girl at my workplace, who was my childhood bully, was spreading another rumor, claiming that my boobs were fake. I took the advice of most of the people in the comments of my post, and sent an email to my manager, telling him about how she made up a rumor claiming that I slept with him to get hired.

He responded, saying that this is a very serious issue and that he wants me to come into work tomorrow to get my side of the story, because my bully had a shift then. The manager came in, looking absolutely furious. My manager spoke with her, me and a few of my coworkers to see what was going on.

After my manager spoke with my bully, I saw her leaving. She came up to me, said "Fuck you, you tattletale slut" and left. I asked my manager what happened with her at the end of my shift. He said "I spoke with her about the bullshit she was spewing.

She tried acting innocent, but everyone I asked said that she was the one who made that shit up. She's fired, we don't have to worry about her anymore." I was kind of hoping that she would throw a temper tantrum, but that didn't happen.

I finally stood up to her, thanks to the advice and words of support from Reddit. I'm pretty sure my past self, the little girl who had her backpack stuffed in a shit-filled toilet on her 11th birthday, would be so proud of me.

Comments

Little_Yesterday_548

Some people never really move past high school

OOP: Even worse, in her case, she bullied me when we were in fifth grade

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in .

Mood Spoiler: bittersweet

Original : May 16, 2024

My grandparents passed away recently. I followed the guidelines my grandma set up for her final event. Her Church, her burial plot, her casket and the same for my grandpa. I just didn't expect for it to be a joint funeral. I sent out the notifications to friends of theirs and family after the date was set in stone. Their friends all came, so did most of my grandma's church but no family showed up. I wasn't surprised, I hadn't seen most of them in about 4 years.

I had a great time with my grandparents friends and then I went back home and cried my heart out. I had been their sole caregiver and I didn't know what to do without them. I had taken care of them for 15 years. It started with little things like lifting heavy things and escalated to needing to change the bed twice a night sometimes. I was empty and started to scroll through my grandpa's facebook to see pictures he posted before his memory went..

I found a group, started about 3 years ago that was being flooded with activity. When I went poking around I found out it was my mother who was hosting a funeral at her church and was 'trying to get final expenses taken care of.' I was stunned. Here was the woman I hadn't spoken to since throwing her out of the house for stealing jewelry and upsetting grandma terribly by using her Alzheimer's against her. 'How could you forget my birthday! You promised to give me this!'

I went to the funeral my mother had planned and listened to the pastor and then my mother got up to talk. She told everyone how hard it was taking care of them and something inside me roared to life. I don't remember everything I said, but it did include that she didn't pay for anything for them, not their caskets, not their burial plots, not their cremation, nothing. I told everyone I put them to rest at the funeral grandma planned herself 4 days prior. I said she'd never paid for any of their care or even seen them for 4 years.

I was asked to leave and drove home. Later, a cousin asked me if what I said was true and when I said it was and I could provide proof, they explained my mother had been taking funds from the family for years to pay for their care at a facility because they had outlived their insurance policy. They also explained I got a lot of people in trouble because somewhere in the speech I shouted I had done it all alone for years without any help. A lot of family members used my grandparents as an excuse to get out of work and had invited their coworkers to the funeral. By hearing my outburst they were now in trouble for lying as for the reasons to leave work or miss days.

She then went on to ask me about the inheritance and when that would be passed out. I told her that if anyone had earned the inheritance it had already been taken care of. I thought I was in the right, but now I'm doubting myself after so many cousins and family members are calling to tell me I handled it really poorly.

AITA? Did I handle this badly? Everyone's telling me I did.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: How are they holding a funeral without a body?

Has your mother been grifting your relatives? How will those people get fired? They attended a funeral, if not the right one. Someone did die. Just give them a copy of the death certificate.

OOP: There was no casket at her funeral, just a pair of pictures up at the front. I'm still confused on it myself why she was taking money for caskets when there wasn't one present at the funeral itself. The only signs of my grandparents at their own funeral were the two pictures up at the front, under the podium and a few posters of pictures from family members from 20-ish years ago or more.

The reason my family members might get fired is they were claiming they were caring for my grandparents when they took their time off. From what I have gathered so far, that counted as FMLA. (Editor's note: FMLA paperwork: optional-use forms which can be used by employers to provide required notices to employees, and by employees to provide certification of their need for leave for an FMLA qualifying reason.) Employees who provide false or fraudulent information to utilize FMLA leave are breaking the law. I think that's what they were doing but I'm not sure because then they would have had to fill out FMLA paperwork and I'm not sure they all knew what they were doing.

Commenter: NTA. You told the truth. The truth exposed your mother's hypocrisy and how she was scamming the family for money. It also exposed the scams of those who were pretending to care. The term for this is "poetic justice", and it was overdue.

OOP: I'm still trying to figure out why they would lie about coming to help and not even bother to pick up the phone to call and check in with them. It makes no sense why they would use that as an excuse to me, what did they have to gain? A free day? They have dozens of other people they could have used but they fixated on using my grandparents.

Commenter: I think you are worn down from the last 15 years of unremitting caregiving compounded by sudden loss of both grandparents. Kudos for doing so very much.

Increase your home security. Stop engaging with toxic family; don’t even read that stuff. Take a break. Take a vacation and squish your feet in sand and get a massage. And breathe. You deserve it.

OOP: I've gotten more calls on the land line in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 6 years put together. It's hard to ignore because I've got to keep it open for different insurances, grandma and grandpa's friends who are trying to check on me and the company calls that are either clients expressing their condolences or just the day to day company calls. I just feel numb and lost without them both here.

Commenter: This sounds really hard. Is there a friend you can get to help you? Maybe they could screen your calls? Or an employee of the business you can get to handle business calls for a bit? 

OOP: One of my grandma's friends kept me company a few hours and handled the phone calls. She just took off and told me Insurance companies won't phone me until maybe 6am if they're rude, the company calls would go to the main line first and they had options before the extension would boot them to the landline. She told me to just unplug the phone. I didn't even realize she was here for as long as she was. I didn't unplug it but I did manage to mute everything. I'm going to sleep and try to deal with it in the morning.

My family isn't even close enough to me to have my personal cell number I realized and some of them are getting routed to the landline by calling the business first so I'm wondering if they even had the landline's number in the first place.

Commenter: Sorry for your loss, however you did good. Rest assured on that. Hopefully your grandparents had wills made out and we're as up to date as possible. Get probate lawyer ASAP so this is sorted out.

However get ready for sharks to invade their home, so don't let anyone in sort the house, the wills and everything otherwise this may be war.

OOP: No one can enter the house or the other properties, at least not legally. I've legally owned them for just over 10 years. I had to pay the Capitol gains taxes on them the first year but my grandpa made sure I had everything when my grandma's diagnosis hit us. I'm really grateful for his foresight. The only thing I need to deal with the legal aspect is the life insurance policy payouts.

Commenter: NTA. I'm honestly not entirely sure how you could have handled that better without being ignored. Your family members created these situations for themselves and now must deal with the consequences. I mean most if not all of them came to their actual funerals!

You handled everything both for their care over the last 15 years and in their passing. And that's probably been very hard for you, especially if you don't have any support yourself (I hope you do). Be kinder to yourself, you're grieving and will need some time to heal.

OOP: None of the family members came to the funeral. Some of them I've excused in my head because of my mom's actions. She sent out messages to everyone the location had changed due to issues with the size of the location. Grandma had picked out the location for her funeral, the same place she used to teach sewing lessons and run childcare teaching events. She loved that location, it was attached to her church.

She didn't care what your question was, she'd answer it and help you to solve it. Didn't know how to fix the seam of your jeans? She could help. Didn't know how to stop your baby from crying all night? She'd know. She ran a lot of services for her community that still stand strong today. One of which is the Early Day's program at her church. Members sign up to visit new parents, do laundry, vacuum, dust, do dishes, cook a meal, watch the baby if the parents need to sleep. I'm so proud of her for the impact on her community she left.

Commenter: My condolences on the loss of your grandparents. Your grandmother sounds like an incredible woman, and I think she would be proud of you now. 🤍

OOP: She was absolutely incredible. I have her pots and pans, knives and bowls. Grandpa made most of them for her himself. I know all her recipes. She and I wrote her cookbook for her community at her Church and with the Red Hatters. I've got all of her hats. Her amazing hats with huge feathers, heaps of lace and fake flowers. I had tons of costume jewelry she loved more than her real jewelry. I'm more connected to these 20c or 20 dollar pieces than her diamond, opals, pearls or anything else in her collection.

I miss her so much and her whole community misses her and grandpa. All I want is to step back in time 10 years ago when grandpa arranged fish for a friend days or grandma arranged for us to make flower pens. There would be a group of us just sitting and wrapping fake flower stems to cheap pens with green floral tape.

Commenter: Make sure you aren’t opening yourself for a counter narrative that you intentionally isolated them from the rest of the family for profit. I’m not accusing you but someone might.

OOP: They have, it's going to be a fight for the insurance policies. I'm prepared for it because grandpa prepared me but it still feels wrong. I don't want money, I want them. I want them 10 years ago when they remembered who I was all the time, would watch tv drama's with me and remember all of the details. It feels like I lost them twice, once to their illness and then again when they finally left. I lived for those brief moments of clarity where they knew who I was.

One last thought from OOP:

My grandpa would have been embarrassed by it I think. He never liked attention being focused on him. Grandma would have given them all a piece of her mind, then she would have told me that yelling wasn't ladylike and I needed to stay calm. Bad people hate calm voices and level heads. One of her favorite sayings.

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): May 17, 2024 (Next Day)

Update: Thank you all. I felt I was the asshole because of how badly I reacted at the memorial service my mother held. It was very far out of character for me. I am usually very quiet and I don't talk too often, much like my grandpa. I screamed at them, I cried, I waved my arms and made an absolute spectacle of my grief. I feel so embarrassed by how I argued and carried on. Several family members are asking questions and seem genuinely bewildered by the circumstances.

This happened on Sunday and it's Friday now, I am still feeling as lost as I did at first. One of my uncle's did lose his job, that was confirmed earlier. He had multiple schemes going on at his workplace with a need for a medical lift bed for grandma and got his coworkers to donate around 8k in total. The gossip queens that attended the funeral told everyone Monday morning and by Monday afternoon he was in trouble with HR. This wasn't the only way he tried to earn funds, there are at least two others I know about from his son.

His son, my cousin, is furious with his dad and my mom. He and several other cousins of mine are suing my mother for taking funds from them. They thought they were helping pay for 24 hour care at an assisted living facilities. Every month my mother was collecting between 2,000 and 9,000 from family members. She would lament to them how hard and soul crushing it was to see such strong people just staring vacantly off into space, how they were unresponsive but this wasn't true.

My cousins apologized for not reaching out to me, but I'm not very close with anyone in my family. Some of you guessed it in the DM's but yeah, I was an affair baby. I came out 'wrong' and my mother's husband divorced her over it. The people I was closest to growing up were my grandparents. It's bad enough that some of the cousins forgot I was a family member at all. It's a huge mess, they're apologizing but I just don't want anything to do with them.

Grandpa's business is not worth millions, but it pays the bills. It's a handyman company. My family is asking about the company, how everything is going there and I'm putting up a stony face. It's not the family business, it's mine and it has been for years. All of the employees respect me because I treat them the same way grandpa did. I do still mess up some things that they tease me for. It's a very friendly place to work.

One of grandpa's properties is just a fenced in yard with covered storage for the different projects. It's right next to the business property and is just where we work on remodeling old RV's or turning vans into RV's. We have a few friends parked there too but it's just a dirt lot with gravel, a fence and a cover. There are some security cameras there and so far no issues.

I thought I would give an overall update and just thank you all for the support. I've felt so lost and I really did think I was TA for exposing them. Jobs are important and hard to come by out here and it's not just going to affect them. It's going to affect their partners, their children and even their pets. I feel most guilty about who else exposing them affected. Thank you, I really didn't expect this to blow up like it did. I'm going to keep reading and responding to comments. Thank you all again, this has been so incredible. I was never 'supposed' to be angry about anything, but seeing all the comments cussing out my family has been more cathartic than I can express. Thank you.

Relevant Comment:

I keep picturing if I had done it her way [grandma] and kept my focus instead of losing my mind and screaming. If I had just stood up and followed the 3 C's - Cool, Calm and Collected. I didn't follow what grandma taught me at all. I just popped and cried out. When my mother was talking it really felt like her words stabbed into me.

One Uncle was terminated because his nosy coworkers spread it through everyone like wildfire. I think he was planning on quitting but now there's some stuff going on with him. I'm not sure because his wife and him just call to scream at me using the company line to do it and their son said to just ignore them.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Mood Spoiler: positive ending for OOP

Original : April 13, 2024

So I had a baby some weeks ago with my partner to whom I'm not married.

We've been together a while, and I've given many compromises in this relationship. While discussing baby's name, we had a few disagreements on names but ultimately decided on a name we both liked well enough. The surname was a sticking point: he wanted the baby to have his name alone. I offered to hyphenate b/c logistically it's easier for the baby to have both of our names. He's been drinking the red pill cool aid lately - a large bone of contention in this relationship - and went off about how it's 'tradition' and 'the right thing to to' and 'his right as a man' to have the baby have his surname. He told me I'd be emasculating him and may as well be a single parent if I won't grant him this one little ask. 'My word is final - baby's having one surname'. This was late in my pregnancy and I didn't have it in to fight, so I told him that I understood what he was saying.

FF to 3 weeks ago when baby's birth certificate came. He blew a gasket when he saw that I'd given the baby my surname. He rehashed the conversation above, saying I agreed to giving baby his surname. This is where I might be TA. I did nothing of the sort. I told him I understood him, which I did - but I never said I agreed with him. I told him there was no way I was doing all the work of making a baby for him to stick his name on it. When we bought up tradition, I told him it's also traditional for him to marry me before having a baby but he was happy to ignore that, I told him it was traditional for him to be the provider but I do that too - and I pointed out other holes in his logic. I told him trying to bully me into submission with his red pill bs when I was exhausted from pregnancy didn't work. He should have known better than to expect me to not share a surname with my child. He said the baby should only have one surname - they do. So why's he mad?

He went crying to his brothers and mother - all 'traditionalists' and misogynists - and now they're all up in arms.

AITA?

ETA

There seems to be some confusion - we are not married or engaged. I don't believe in it, and he's never seen the point of 'bring the state into your relationship', so we agreed to never marry.

He's on the birth certificate as the father - baby just has my last name but father is listed.

Thanks for your feedback. I'll be asking him to come for a talk so I can plainly address the issues you guys have helped me see. Thank you for that.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. You told the truth and nothing more. If I read your post correctly, you agreed the baby would have one surname. You didn't agree to which one.

So, why are you still with this guy? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't provide for you and the baby? Please don't say because you need him or love him. (editor's note- this was a longer comment but I included the parts OOP responded to)

OOP: I am reconsidering the relationship.

The truth is he wasn't always like this. He fell on hard times and unfortunately chose to cope with that in an unhealthy way. At his core, I believe he is of good but I need to have a frank conversation about the ideologies he's leaning into and the harm it's causing in our relationship.

(to another commenter asking why she is with him): I hate that I sound like every enabler - and perhaps I need to do some introspection to see if that's what I've become - but he wasn't always like this. Life's been hard for him lately and his coping strategies have led us here. I need to have a frank chat with him about how it's affecting us.

Commenter: Was he not there when you were filling out the forms? Cause that's pretty telling too 👀

NTA. What to name the baby is definitely a valid conversation to have, but he wasn't having a conversation with you. He was trying to bulldoze you without compromise.

OOP: I registered the baby on my own. He was there for the birth and everything but his paternity leave was pretty short so the admin of registering fell on me.

Commenter: NTA and PLEASE do not relent and change the baby’s name!! I just had a baby in August and shit’s tiring. Congrats on your new addition and my condolences you have to spend 18 years dealing with this family though.

OOP: I am beyond in love with my tiny human. I hope you're doing well too with yours!

Should this spell the end, I'm lucky to have my village and the means to minimise the suckiness of breaks ups.

There's no world in which any child I birth will not share a surname with me. My compromise of a double barrelled surname stands - no other offer is on the table.

Commenter: INFO: why are you still in contact with all those people that do nothing for you? Seem you would lose a lot of strees, anxiety and financial hardships just cutting this person loose.

OOP: which people, sorry? baby's dad and his family?

he stormed out on thursday night - friday morning his mother sent me a voice note berating me ha. i've since received messages from his family criticising me for my decision, but no word from my partner. i have not responded to any of them, so it's one way comms atm.

OOP's life:

I'm very fortunate to be in a position where I don't need anything from him. I'm financially secure, I have a good job and a good support system. I don't need his financial backing to raise this child.

I've texted him asking him to come home so we can talk. I'm thinking of having a mediator/neutral party there to avoid things getting out of hand.

OOP is voted NTA

Update : May 17, 2024 (1 month later)

so it turns out he’s got deep-seated resentment for me lol. 

he resents me for:

• earning more money than him 

• being further in my career than he is 

• not losing my job during covid like he did 

• having parents who love and support me 

• not being a submissive woman (lol)

• having a present and loving father 

• not combining our finances (under his control) thus making him feel small 

on the brighter side, i’m 12 weeks post partum and already 75kg lighter! 

so when i last came here, i said i’d asked him to come home and discuss our future with baby, preferably in the presence of a neutral party. he left me on read for a few days though i could see he was spying on us through the ring door bell and baby’s monitor. i disconnected them both and he finally responded 🫠

he came home, still irate. his stance still hadn’t changed, he seemed to have been bolstered by the days he spent with him family. he rejected my request for us to do this in the presence of a couple’s therapist - the best neutral compromise i could offer. i asked him how he proposed we move forward, then and he went on a rant where the above came out. it was a full mask off moment - if there was any part of me that wanted you guys to be wrong about him, it died that day. 

he again rejected the offer to hyphenate baby’s surname. apparently i’m ‘disrespectful’ and ‘insolent’ - funny enough his mother’s fave words to scold people she disagrees with - for refusing to ‘do what’s right’ and give baby their ‘rightful’ surname. i told him i won’t go through the administrative nightmare of having a different surname to my child, and lots of data shows a double barrelled surname is social currency that has positive connotations. nope - he wouldn’t budge. i told him neither would i - baby either has both our surnames or mine alone.  

he asked if this was a hill i wanted this relationship to die on, if i was prepared to throw half a decade down the drain over my ‘silly little feminism’. i told him i wasn’t sure there was anything left to fight for. we broke up. thankfully, our - in his name - lease expires end of may. i called my dad and he came to help me back up baby. ex went back to his mum’s while we packed.

i messaged him to suggest we still need couple’s counselling: we need to learn to be co-parents and they can help us establish a healthy way of doing that. he again said no to that so

my mum wanted to take me and baby on a baby moon holiday after this stressful period but he would grant permission for me to take baby abroad :)))))))))))) it was at that moment i wished i didn’t have him on the birth certificate like some of yall accused me of. 

it’s going to be a long road ahead. i’ve instructed a lawyer to help us set up a formal agreement to avoid this in the future. he’s not responding to correspondance from the lawyer so that’s fun. he’s sulking - used to do this a lot when things didn’t go his way. i hope he’ll soon realise i no longer have time for his bs and i won’t be toyed with because i called his bluff and ended the relationship

to end on a bright note, he house i wanted us to buy a couple of years ago  - which he talked me out of until he was back on his feet again despite us being able to afford it on my salary alone - is back on the market! i took it as fate: it’s time to move on from this man! it’s a beautiful Victorian terrace near good schools, good transport links, a small garden and close to my parents. it’d be the perfect home for baby and i. i put in an offer last night - wish me luck! it’s in a chain so if my offer’s accepted it won’t be ours for months, but my parents have allowed baby and i to move in to their granny annex for free - my village!!!

Relevant Comments (taken from the update post on OOP's page and AITA)

Commenter: He sounds like a horrible person, and he'll probably pass down his horrible ideologies of women and relationship to your child, but hey, i don't know you or him no offense and that relationship, but is co parenting even worth it😭

OOP: i mean he's not asked to see the baby since we broke up so tbh i don't think i'll have to do much co-parenting with him

Commenter: Unless there's an actual custody order in place, you don't need permission to take that baby anywhere.

OOP: i wish that were true. in my country, you need permission from both parents to take a child out of the country.

Commenter: I would go on your baby moon holiday with your mom

OOP: definitely planning on it! i have 18 months of leave and i'd planned on doing a few trips. he's presented a bump but i'm sure we'll overcome it and take baby to new places!

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH for leaving my fiancee after I learned there were strippers at her bachelorette party?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity

  May 16, 2024

What the title reads basically. I(29M) and my ex-fiancee(29F) were together for 5 years. We should have been married now in the normal conditions but I broke up with her and cancelled the wedding 2 days before it because they invited male strippers to bachelorette party. I am personally not a fan of these parties but reluctantly agreed after both groom & bride side confirmed we would keep it simple. I told my ex-fiancee I am not comfortable with strippers or other kind of crazy things. She agreed. I also told my friends if they were to do a stupid thing without me knowing, we would have problems.

We stayed at my friends' summer house and chilled there by the pool, did some wow raids and played board games. My ex-fiancee and her friends went to a restaurant then rented an airbnb. There was no problem during the night and next day I asked how things went. She and her close friends said it was really chill and good. We returned to the city centre after that. I encountered another bridesmaid that day when I was shopping for a bracelet for my ex-fiancee for her upcoming birthday. I asked that girl how's everything as we were in the same department at the college but rarely talk now. She is closer with my fiancee than me. She said it's going good and last night was crazy with all the strippers. After saying that she looked uncomfortable. I asked her about the details but she was not willing to tell much. I think she realized she should not have talked about it. I laughed, said goodbye and left.

I confronted my fiancee and she seemed surprised about it. She was denying it first, then told me nothing crazy happened and one of the bridesmaids invited strippers. I reminded her that it was a strict boundary for me. I asked about the details but she said there was nothing much with strippers just solo dances and that's it. I told her I need some time to think. Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated). Things happened after that but in the end I decided to break up and cancel the wedding. I lost some money since it was only 2 days before the wedding. Things are not cool right now. My head is messed up, I get criticism from everyone and no idea about what to do. My sister told me to see a therapist to process my thoughts and feelings. That is what I'll do next. Some mutuals suggested me that I should reconsider things and stop being so whiny about such a small thing. I do not think it's such a small thing especially when they all tried to hide it from me.

AITAH here?

ADDITIONAL INFO

OOP

Everyone is telling different things. One person says it was crazy, my ex says it was just solo dance, another person says it was different. I do not know whom to believe to be honest and that's one of the reasons I lost trust here. Apparently, the stripper was naked and that even alone is a dealbreaker for me.There is no way for me to know what happened that night and why she did not even bother with calling me or telling me about it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

INFO: I get your boundaries were completely stomped on, but before I can give a judgement, I need a bit more info.

Did gf know ahead of time, or was she ambushed once drunk and away from home? How far from home was she? What would you have done if she’d called you tearfully and told you her friends had gone behind her back to organise strippers, but she was too drunk / didn’t have a vehicle to drive to leave?

ETA: how has she been with these friends since?

OOP

We were about 30-40 mins away from each other. If she called me, I would have gone to take her. If my friends invited a stripper without my knowledge(we both agreed it's unacceptable), I would call her and let her know. If available, would leave the place if not would probably take an Uber or have her pick me up.

She is not doing well with her friends. It's chaos.

  May 17, 2024

I read most of the comments in the original post and thank you for the advice. My problem was that not her being blindsided by her friends but lying. Every bridesmaid told different things and none of them gave details about what happened. I believe you can understand it just shatters the trust and makes you think there is something going on.

I thought there was something wrong with me after reading the comments. There were a lot of YTAs and I thought I should apologize. One of the bridesmaid  reached out to me last evening. I suspect she saw the post somewhere and recognized it. I knew my fiancee was having problems with her friends since last week but I did not know the extent. Apparently, my ex-fiancee and her close friends blamed the girl that I encountered at mall about everything. This divided the group and led into a verbal fight. I will skip the personal details here but in the end she told me my ex-fiancee and other bridesmaids got sexual with the strippers. My fiancee was the only one who had boyfriend/fiancee/spouse(at least monogamously) there to my knowledge. Also, I was told by her that my ex-fiancee was not blindsided with stripper invites. She was happy to see the strippers and was relieved she had an excuse. I do not have proof for all of these but I got a short video of girls making out with strippers. One of the girls is my ex-fiancee and that's enough.

She has been trying to reach out to me since we broke up. I confronted her again. At first, she denied it again then it became we just touched, then okay we kissed too, okay I gave him a handjob, finally I was coerced into doing these by others as I pressed on. I just blocked her after the last part. I did not see any need to learn further. I was hurt already but learning that I got cheated on hurt more. I am not sure if it's the full truth even now. I will never know but all I can say is it hurts. I will go to a therapist to not carry my luggage to my next relationship. I lost 15K from the wedding related things and need to focus on filling the hole for a while.

Some misogynists made weird comments about women and I'll just ignore them. Some of the people told me I am an insecure, unfunny nerd for playing WoW on my bachelor party. Isn't the whole point of bachelor parties having "one last fun". It was raiding non-stop with the boys for me, not having one last sexual interaction with a stranger or having a stranger's butt on my face or penis. I will not miss on out these during marriage anyways(omitting the stranger part).

That's it. It's therapy time tomorrow and thank you for the help.

TL;DR: Bitter truth was revealed bit by bit. Ex-fiancee had sexual interaction with a stripper.  It's therapy time.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 17th May 2024

- 18th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

Am I wrong for making my fiancé drop her friends before our wedding or else I wouldn’t marry her

I, a 24 year old woman and my fiancé 24F have been planning our wedding for 2 years. Her friends never liked me in fact they have “pranked” me by stealing my car for 3 days leading me to call the police and filling it with packing peanuts and dropping it off outside mine and my fiancé’s apartment.

Today my fiancé was talking about her friends and I said what about them. She told me they are planning something for the wedding that we will love but they won’t tell us what it is. Knowing them it’s insane and will ruin the whole day. I told her to tell them not to but she said they won’t budge. I said they are uninvited then because we can’t have that stress on our wedding.

My fiancé told me that she wasn’t going to uninvite them because whatever it is will be fine and that I’m over dramatic. We got into a fight and I ended up saying “If you don’t drop them as friends we can call off the wedding because im not marrying someone who associates themselves with the kind of people who steal cars for “pranks”.

She said I was being unreasonable and that she has known them since middle school. I said I didn’t care and that it’s either them or me and I stormed out. I have been living in my parents house and they think I’m being unreasonable so please tell me am I wrong for telling my fiancé to choose her friends or me?

Comments

FapplePus

She already chose

Grimwohl

This is it, OP. You are fighting a battle thats already lost.

Update - 1 day later

UPDATE: So, I talked to my fiancée. For the sake of time let’s call her M. I met M for coffee so that we could talk. This happened a few hours ago and honestly I don’t know what to do or where I stand. We met up around 9AM. I arrived about 20 minuets before she did. She sat down and we talked. About an hour went by. I told her that I felt hurt that she has prioritised her friends over me.

Especially before our wedding. I told her about the car theft “prank” and how it affected me mentally and regarding my job when I was forced to be late because of this. I have brought this up before and her face looked as if she was bored. I told her this really affected me and I don’t appreciate her not taking me seriously. She rolled her eyes and told me I was being melodramatic and that her friends are more supportive than I will ever be and that is why she doesn’t prioritise me.

I told her I have supported her when she lost her job, when she was kicked out by her parents, when her phone, keys and wallet were stolen by her own sister and so many other times. She brushed me off saying that I shouldn’t be listing these off as if she owed me. I never meant to do that and I apologised and expressed I just want her to be there for me.

She said “I am. Always. You’re not who I thought you were asking me to do everything for you like you’re useless. Honestly, it’s pathetic”. I finally snapped and told her “You are a vile person. Cancel the venue. You don’t deserve a wedding after everything you have done and condoned. Goodbye M”. I walked out and called her telling her I would be back in the morning to grab my things and the ring. What do I do now? I feel lost.

Edit: I have seen your comments and once I am in a good place and settled I will give a final update. Thank you for the support. I appreciate all of you.

Comments

JeanPolleketje

OMG, you really dodged a bullet there, mate. Go NC and start your healing journey. Take at least 1 friend with you when picking up your stuff.

Update - 1 day later

UPDATE 2: So, I went back to get my stuff from mine and M’s old house. I had a policeman come with me just in case anything happened. I am so lucky I did that because the whole place was trashed. My stuff was everywhere.

What was once my home was now unrecognisable. The living room TV was smashed. Everything from the kitchen had been thrown into the floor and half of my things were missing. I tried to gather everything I could and leave but when I was going to the car there was spray paint on the side saying “F*ck you”.

I saw M’s car drive away. I filed a police report and am now trying to move on with my life and enjoy being my own person with my friends and family. Thank you everyone for your advice I have no idea what would have happened if I didn’t post this originally. Thank you all.

Comments

2geeks

Damn. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience this. I hope you can get sorted soon and move on from this in a healthy way. I would consider speaking with a counsellor about what you have experienced during this relationship, as it seems they were very toxic for quite some time.

You deserve far better, and I’m sure you will find it when you’re ready to. Take care

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AIW - To make my husband change his gym.

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: Accusations of infidelity

  May 2, 2024

I (38F) had a fight with my husband (41M) last week when I asked him to change his gym. He says it's not fair to him, but I told him it was important to me, and he agreed. As a week has passed, I am not sure if I did the right thing and want to get neutral opinion on this matter.

We have been married for 12 years and have two wonderful kids. My husband and I were into fitness when we got married. However, life and kids happened, and we slowly stopped going to gym and gained weight. Two years ago, my husband just woke up one day and told me he wants to start going to the gym again. He is very disciplined, and not only did he lose all the excess weight, but also started gaining a ton of muscles. As if the gym was not enough, he started doing CrossFit six months ago.

His goes to CrossFit four times a week. He goes there early morning and is generally back before the kids are up. He made a lot of friends there and has generally been in a very happy mood. I won't lie but he looks amazing, and I can't believe he still gives me butterflies, even after 12 years of marriage.

Two weeks ago, my husband decided to invite all his CrossFit friends for a barbeque at our house as the weather was getting nicer. He had around 9 friends come over and it was my first time meeting this group of friends. I was mostly in kitchen working on prep while he was grilling outside. Out of his friends group, there were 5 girls and 4 guys, all in amazing shape. Three of the girls joined me in the kitchen to help me and we were having a conversation. They were giving me all the hot tea about each of the guests in the backyard. From what I gathered, all the people in the group were between the ages 35 to 40 and all of them were single. One of the guys was married and the other three were single.

I was asking them about their relationship status and learned that many of the girls in the group had slept with one or more guys that were here. The three girls who were with me in the kitchen told me that they were all divorced and are not really interested in marriage or long-term relationship anymore. They commented on how guys at CrossFit are hot, and discussing about how each of them was in bed (funny stories), etc.

One of the girls asked me how I met my husband. They mostly wanted to know who approached who (I chased him) as they were all commenting on how shy my husband is. One of them let it slip that he is completely oblivious when someone flirts with him. I asked it and learned that the two girls standing outside had at times tried to be very flirty with him as a fun competition to see when he will notice it. They all said that it was just a prank and complimented me on how awesome and loyal my husband is.

At the end of the night, I was talking to my husband and told him about my conversation with the girls. He told me that these people are bonkers, but they are fun to hang out with at the gym. I asked him about if the two girls were really flirting with him. He said he did not initially notice but then it became too obvious, and he thought that if he does not react, then they will stop and move on to the next "victim".

This all made me feel very uneasy. It may be my insecurities about my own body, but I do not want these girls with amazing bodies flirting with my husband. I know he will never reciprocate, but I just don't think they are a good idea. I talked about this with him and he me that all he cares about is getting a good workout. We had a fight when I told him to either stop being friends with these "horny" single people or change the gym. He did not take it well and started resisting it. I eventually told him this is my red line and I do not want him to hang out with girls who are single and ready to pounce on anyone with a hot body. We had a big fight, but eventually he told me he will change the gym at the month end, as it would be super awkward to go to this gym and suddenly stop interacting with people.

As I have calmed down, I feel bad to make him do something that he might resent me for. Hence, I wanted an objective opinion. Am I wrong to make my husband stop hanging out with these girls when I know for a fact that my husband will never be disloyal to me? I know it's my insecurities, but I just don't feel comfortable to have him around half naked beautiful girls who would be ogling him and flirting with him as a game (even after knowing he has a wife and two kids).

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Specialist-Avocado36

Im going to be completely honest with you As someone who has been doing CF since 2009 and have coached (at multiple gyms) since 2013 I can tell you CF is a hotbed for cheating and I’ve seen what your describing more times than I can count. I’ve seen literally dozens of marriages break up when one person buys into CF (as it is as much a social aspect as a working out aspect) and the other spouse is left behind. I myself met my now wife at a CF. So while Many on here may tell you your overreacting or your wrong (and im not saying your are not wrong to some degree) they may not fully understand the manner in which many CFs tend to function. and theyll say any gym is like that. but they are wrong. Most gyms do not have the social community aspect of CF. so yes i would be wary

OOP

I don't think I communicated it well in post, but this is what I felt. People were so nonchalant about sleeping around. I trust my husband but I also did not like his friends and the way they were talking about hooking up. As a married woman, I would immediately run if I find myself in such a group. It never even occurred to them that they are telling me about other girls flirting with my husband and that something was wrong with it.

~

AcrobaticMechanic265

If your husband is gonna cheat, he doesnt need a gym. Yes you are wrong.

OOP

I don't think my husband will cheat, I trust him completely. But, I did not like his friends and the hookup culture in his group. That is the reason why I feel it was inappropriate for him to hang out with them.

I trust myself to never cheat too. However I also do not go alone to nightclubs on saturdays with my girl friends. I just don't associate with people like that after I met my husband and I expect my husband to also have wholesome friends.

  May 17, 2024

I posted on this forum two weeks ago and was dragged by this subreddit for being insecure about my husband going to an crossfit gym, where he had friends with questionable morals. His friends told me about the hookup culture in the gym and how my husband is really loyal despite two women constantly hitting on him in the gym.

Although I did not agree with many of you, I still decided to swallow my pride and talked to my husband about my behavior and apologize.

I had already made him quit the gym and he was going to quit in a month because that month was already paid for. The night of the post, I talked to him and told him about the post. He immediately read the post and was laughing hysterically at some of the comments. He told me that my question was wrong, and he does not care if I am insecure or not. He told me that my mental peace is more important to him than his new friends and he is still planning to quit the gym. I think reading about how I felt about what his friends told me put my thoughts into perspective. He said initially felt offended that I was questioning his loyalty and got angry at me. However, he understood my perspective on why I do not want him to be friends with those people. He said he still might hang out with them in social settings but will not meeting them regularly.

He told his friends about his decisions and lied to them that the schedule was not working out for him. Everyone was disappointed and tried to get him to continue. Many of the people guessed that I may be the reason for his sudden schedule conflicts and the women told him that they only said good things about him to me.

One of the married guys who had come to our house was talking to my husband few days ago. He was asking him if I made him quit. My husband said no, but he kept on pressing and said that my husband was stupid to call Melissa (one of the girls hitting on him) to our house. He said he found my husband's audacity crazy that I invited Melissa to our place. My husband said he knew she was a little flirty with him, but a good buddy. This guy then tells my husband that he does not need to pretend with him, and he knew that my husband was sleeping with her. He told him he has seen how she looks at him and her body language and could tell. My husband called him crazy and seems like Melissa told some of the people in the gym that something was going on between them and he is off-limits for others.

My husband denied that and asked this guy if he knew that so many people in the group were hooking up. He said that is how CrossFit gyms work, and he also had slept with a few women in the group. He said he was trying to get with Melissa and that is when she told him that she is currently with my husband.  What a jerk!!!

My husband was laughing when telling the story and told me that he has heard that Melissa has spread rumors about him and he is glad to quit the gym. He said he told me about that guy's conversation because he does not want me to hear anything negative about him from someone at the gym who may have heard such rumors too.

I don't know why but my insecurity intuition alarms just started to flash, and I messaged two of the girls on Instagram confidentially and asked them if she had heard such rumors. They both told me that Melissa was my husband's best friend in the gym, and they would always hang out after the gym together and get breakfast, coffee, etc. (the gym time was early morning), and they had heard the rumors, but they were completely false. They again told me how nice my husband was and that they are going to miss him.

I know my husband is great and I trust him, but I still feel him quitting the gym is the right thing. I also am not sure if I should confront Melissa and tell her to stop lying about my husband. I think I am just going to let it go and enjoy from next month when my husband again joins our old gym (where I work out sometimes).

On a side note: I was seriously considering messaging that guy's wife about what he told my husband, but decided against it because if she asks how I know, I do not have any proof except his conversation with my husband.

Update

As I said in the comment section, I did not find any conversations with Melissa on my husband's phone. I asked my husband about it 30 mins ago and he got really angry at me for still being on that subject. He said he never talked to Melissa outside their sessions and I need to let it go, since he sacrificed his friends group for me. He never gets angry at me like this, and felt like I might have crossed some line with my insecurity. I did not tell him that I contacted his friends behind his back to ask about the rumors about Melissa. I can't shake the feeling that he is not telling me something, or that the women in his gym are lying. I do not want to go fishing into his phone again because I am worried he might find out I am still thinking about that issue. I am really not able to think what to do now.

I also might delete this post later and post from a different account as he knows about this account.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now suspended

Originally posted to

AITA for scolding my husband in front of his children, parents and in-laws?

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, manipulation, deadbeat, financial abuse and exploitation

: May 15, 2024

(Throwaway account because my husband knows my main account)

The title sounds messed up already, but hear me out. I (34F) live together with my husband (35M), two children (6F & 8M) and his parents. We've been married for over a decade and I love him, but let's just say he's not the easiest to make compromises with and usually hates it when things don't go his way. I'll quickly list a few examples below:

• He has been unemployed for 2-3 years. He's lazy to find a job, but uses the excuse of "taking care of the kids" to stay at home everyday.

• He wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. I told him before that it's inappropriate to dress like that in front of our kids (especially my daughter who's growing up), but he always says "my house, my rules".

• He's a very heavy smoker. He usually smokes 2-3 packs a day. The worst part about this is that he smokes INSIDE the house (bedroom/living room). This is despite the fact that his mother has emphysema (a lung condition that can cause breathing difficulties) and that he stays near the kids while at home. I always tell him to smoke outside to protect his mom and our kids from the secondhand smoke, but he says he doesn't care and that he's too lazy to go out every 20-30 minutes just to smoke.

• Because he's unemployed, I have to give him cash everyday for him to purchase cigarettes. Sometimes he'll even demand money from his own parents or my parents if he feels like smoking more.

The last straw for me came just a few days ago. My parents came to visit us for a couple of weeks. The eight of us were supposed to have a family meal together. I asked him to put some clothes on out of respect for both our parents, but he refused and chose to remain in boxers. I also told him to cut down on smoking while my parents were staying over because both of them are asthmatic.

To my utter shock, he pulled out a cigarette and lighter DURING DINNER and started smoking AT THE DINNER TABLE. My mom started coughing profusely and she told him to only smoke after dinner, but he got agitated and told her to "shut the f up". I was extremely fed up at this point and scolded him in front of everyone, telling him off about all the pointers I listed off earlier.

It's been a few days and he still hasn't talked to me since that night (apart from asking me for money). Was I too harsh on him? Am I in the wrong for scolding him in front of everyone else? Please give some advice on what to do because I've been feeling guilt-ridden and having trouble falling asleep the past couple of days. Thank you!

EDIT: To everyone who's suggesting me to not give him money, I've tried that before. But he'll just give me the silent treatment and REFUSE to do the household chores until I give in. His parents have tried this as well, but he just threatens to kick them out of the house whenever they do this.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Comments

Confident_Macaron_15: NTA - he scolded your mother with profanity, but expects to be treated any differently? I know you said you love your husband, but living with him just sounds so awful. One of the best life lessons I received from a psychologist was that love is actually not a feeling - it’s an action. How is he showing love to you and your family?

Consistent-Tree6802: The only question here is why on earth are you still wasting your time and life on this loser? You deserve so much more ❤️

1000% NTA

May 17, 2024

Hi everyone, I made a post a few days ago in this thread (also in my profile) titled "AITA for scolding my husband in front of his children, parents and in-laws?", where I shared about the situation between me and my husband.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming feedback and advice. After serious considerations, I sat down with him and his parents to talk to him about his behaviour and to seek changes. He has been very receptive and is willing to change for the better, but new problems have surfaced.

Just as I did in the previous post, I'll list down point by point on what we went over, as well as the compromises that were made:

• I mentioned that he has been unemployed for 2-3 years. He has agreed to look for jobs and will no longer be a househusband on the weekdays. In return, he has asked his parents to do all the household chores instead, and for me to help out with the chores when I get home from work, which I am fine with.

• I mentioned that he wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. After much persuasion, he has agreed to wear shorts when guests come over and during family mealtimes, but he still refuses to wear a shirt regardless of the occasion.

• I mentioned that he's a very heavy smoker who usually smokes 2-3 packs a day INSIDE the house (bedroom/living room), despite the fact that his mother has emphysema (a lung condition that can cause breathing difficulties) and that he stays near the kids while at home. Regarding this, we told him to smoke outside at a nearby car park, but he refused to do so as he said he's lazy to wear a shirt to go outside. The compromise we've come to is that he'll smoke along the open corridor outside our flat, but in boxers. He'll only smoke 1 pack a day on weekdays and 3.5 packs a day on the weekends.

• I mentioned that I have to give him cash everyday for him to purchase cigarettes. Sometimes he'll even demand money from his own parents or my parents if he feels like smoking more. He has agreed to only using the money from his job to purchase cigarettes.

However, we've tried this new "system" out for around 36 hours now and a new problem has already surfaced. Our neighbors (who have children of their own) can now see him smoking along the corridor in boxers every 20-30 minutes. They've confronted him already, saying that he's spreading secondhand smoke to them and setting a bad example for their kids. But he told them that he "does not give a flying f" about their family, which caused them to become even angrier.

I'm thankful to him for making so many drastic changes to his daily routine and lifestyle, but it seems like his conpromises aren't enough to get us out of trouble completely. How should I handle the situation? Should I ask him to make even more compromises (which will definitely piss him off)? Thank you.

Note: Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Please do not suggest it anymore in the comments.

Comments

Unhappy_Energy_741: YTA. Nothing changed. He half told you what you wanted to hear. But you obviously don't really care anyway. Just fucken leave his nasty ass.

Money-Age6517: Yta for keeping your children in this environment. You have an excuse for everything.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Going homeless in a month, and here I am on Reddit. I heard the internet does wonders and that's what I’m hoping for + 4 years Update

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: homelessness, suicide ideation, death of a parent, alcoholism

: June 22, 2020

First off let me start by saying i do not know what im typing, i do not know what im thinking, i have never felt like this before. Im not mad, not sad, not angry, not happy, ive never fult such nothingness before.

Anyways i have the rest of this month and the next month in my current home. After that im going homeless. All i have is a car and a few assets that can get a few bucks but not much to my name. I dont know if im allowed to talk about suicide but im going to be honest in my post; if the time comes and i havent found any hope or even a step 1, im going to kill myself. I dont want to die, but i dont want to live this life. I am not depressed or anxious or whatever, im good in the head, but recent events have taken their toll on me.

Forgot to mention thje important details, i am 19, just finished my first semester in Computer Science in university (and probably my last semester) and i do not work. I live in Lebanon. I do not have a passport to another country. I do not have anyone that can support me. I am completely alone and have a bit of money(1-2k ish) left if i sell my car and all i own.

I guess the advice im asking for here is what should i do? Is there any hope? also please note i live in Lebanon; basically shit internet, shit electricity, no social benifits or whatever no nothing. This country is worse than a 3rd world. i probably miswed a lot of important details, but im struggling to think straight. Feel free to ask me anything (doesnt matter if its personal) related to the matter. Thank you for reading my reddit post. have a good day.

Edit: I cannot begin to explain how i feel. I never thought anyone would care this much. I am not good with expressing myself but thank you to each and everyone who replied. It really is helping way more than you think.

This is going to be a ramble but here goes.

As to everyone asking me not to give up, i hope i dont. i want to figure this out and be on top i really do. i will try my best. i hope on day in the future i can come back and update you guys with a happy ending. i havent cried in a long time and you guys have brought emotions i thought were long gone. so thank you for that. I am trying to reply to every single reply but so many are coming in so fast, so for those that i miss, i am very sorry.

Eventually i will get to it and i thank you in advance. So for those who are interested, i have concluded from all the replies a general plan that i would like to share for some criticism. First thing i should do is find a job, which i am trying my best to do. After i find a job i will try and find the cheapest/best rent i can and live on the bare minimum while saving up as much as i can.

Now here is where i get a little lost. i know i should get a certain amount of money before considering immigration but have no idea what estimate that consist of, so help on that would be amazing. Next i will contact embassies (Canada and Sweden have been good suggestions so far) for help regarding immigration or a student visa. Also any help regarding immigration would be amazing as i have no clue how all that works.

now that im typing that i feel like im asking for too much. i really dont deserve the support you guys have given me today, i cant thank you enough. Anyways that is the general plan, and i know for a fact once i land in a country better than Lebanon i will thrive. i know i can.

All i need is a half decent government behind me that wont steal my money. thats it. i dont want rights, i dont want jack shit. i just want my hard earned money. So yeah this is probably the worst paragraph of words to read, so for those of you who did, thank you. My brain is barely functioning i feel like now, so this took a lot of energy to type.

Thank you yet again to each and every single one of you. i mean it. I hope to update you guys soon on what happens.

Edit 2: I think i have finally replied to every single comment i got. If i get more replies during the night i will answer them tomorrow. I wanted to say thank you again everyone for everything you did.

Also to everyone asking to donate, please go donate that money to a charity of your choice. I will be going to bed now, and i wanted to emphasize how much this all means to me. You guys changed me today. Thank you again. i cannot say that enough.

I hope one day i will be posting an update with a happy ending. Thank you for your best wishes and hope to talk to you again soon reddit.

Edit 3: Hello everyone, i just woke up and got a shower and hopped on the computer. I am still in shock with everyone's support. i still cant thank you enough. I am reading through all the comments but i am afraid i do not have enough time to reply to all of them. I just want you guys to know i am reading your comments and i appreciate it way more than you think.

Today is a big day for me; will be roaming around looking for jobs, need to setup some emergency foods and such. Lots to do today. Your support is giving me strength beyond what i thought i had. You guys have proven that people still care, there is hope. I will be updating you whenever i can, as i now consider you guys my friends. Also dont forget im reading your replies, and i really really appreciate it very much.

Regarding looking for online jobs, i will try to make up a decent resume of sorts when i get back home and see what i can find. I really shouldn't be asking for more help from you guys, as you have done way more than enough, but i thought id ask ; i still have a few bucks remaining in my paypal, nothing worth cashing out though i was wondering if maybe like i can invest it or gamble it or of the sorts. Im obviously not counting on it, neither am i a gambler, just trying to give an example. Just a thing i can try my luck in see if it can help.

Again, thank you to each and everyone one of you. i keep repeating myself but as i keep saying, im bad at expressing myself. I just want you guys to know i really appreciate everything. Will update you soon, have a good day everyone.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Also just thought id add that i am willing to do anything if possible. that includes moving to another country, or whatever. Dont hold back anything, i feel like anything would REALLY help in my case. Anyways, no one will probably see this, so when/if i see this in the future i hope i figured shit out. Good luck me.

Relevant Comments

OOP on what led to his living situation and if he has family or friends to stay with

OOP: Wow, did not expect a reply. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to help. As to how i got here, i never had a dad, and my mother recently passed away in a car accident. i dont have family other than that and no friends. The house is being taken by the bank or whatever and my mother didnt have much at all.

Let me say even if its very insignificant something about how you just typed out a plan gave me a sliver of hope. It is nearly impossible to find a job, but lets go with that and say i find a job. How much money should i accumulate before i can come to Canada? Canada was always in the back of my mind. I love the country and everything about it. I sometimes think i was misplaced and i should have been in Canada haha.

Anyways i got nothing else to do so if you wanna talk and check out how fucked my life is im down. Also ive always been smart, though i dont have good grades because of the events that took place in my life the past few years. What i mean by smart is that give me a book, a deadline and i'll be damned if i dont know every single letter by heart. So i guess if theres some miracle test i can take that if i get a good grade on i get something good out of im down. Anyways this reply was probably all over the place, im very sorry. Thank you again though for the reply. + OOP: It's weird man, i used to think that how would someone end their life, its so dark and a pussy move. Idk though, im not sad or worried about it. I guess i just dont care anymore. i really dont know. Though im trying not to give up. I convinced myself of 1 more solid attempt, where i give it my all. hence why im here i guess. Most will call me an idiot for referring to a social media website for help but idk. not much options left i guess. Thanks for your reply though, means a lot.

OOP on student loans to continue his studies and if he was able to stay in the house that his mother had prior to her passing

OOP: Hello, thank you very much for replying. I am christian on paper, but personally i dont believe in god and all that (no offense to anyone who does tho, i find it respectable actually. To find peace in a greater being/thing or whatever you want to call it). And i tried everything. No public services available unfortunately. Lebanon is currently going through an economic crisis. No US dollars in the country and the Lebanese Lira is quickly becoming one of the worst currencies in the world. And i do not know what i can do regarding the bank (not sure its the bank though) i got a phone call explaining that the house was being paid by my mother, and there was no insurance and it was the mortgage (not sure thats what its called) but yeah, nothing i can do. I do not qualify to transfer the payments (also not sure what its called) of the house to me as i do not work nor do i have a bank account. So im pretty sure the house is gone. i know im young, and i have a lot ahead of me, but why all this happening to me at this young age? not everyone dies of old age and im afraid im the statistic. Anyways thank you very much, if you can include me in your future prayers thats all i could ask. If there is an afterlife, i hope i get the good side. Thank you again and have a good day.

OOP on the university providing housing so he could continue with his studies

OOP: University has no dorms, jobs are unicorns here, NO government aid( unemployment and all those) whatsoever. So yeah, its fucked wherever i turn. I am not giving up, i am chosing what will make me feel better. Thank you very much for your reply, i hope you have a good day.

: May 17, 2024 (almost 4 years later)

TW: Some parts of this update might contain sensitive topics

I highly doubt anyone remembers my post from around 4 years ago, but I just remembered my reddit account and saw people were still sending me messages in 2024 checking up on me, (I can't show my appreciation enough btw) and thought i'd make this update for the few who remember me, AS WELL as possibly a hopeful post to someone who might be going through shitty times.

In any case, after my last post, it got very dark in my life, the help i got in reddit was hugely appreciated, and meant a LOT mentally, but in reality my situation hadn't changed. I was ready to call it quits.

A random day maybe a week after my post, I saw a stray kitten that came up to me and i started petting it and crying. I love thinking that was my guardian angel, but to be honest I guess i just had a little more fight in me. Then and there I decided to actually go through the "last attempt" i mentioned in my previous post and try my best.

I started going to every close restaurant and asking if they need any servers or anything. Surprisingly, not too long after i landed a VERY mediocre job, but it was barely enough to afford rent (rent as in living in 1 tiny room) and afford university and eat.

Throughout the next 2 years, it was hell. I was alive, but not living. Alcohol became my best friend, which even though it might sound bad, I was lucky enough to be a functioning addict (id like to avoid thinking what it has done to my health tho, recent blood tests look horrible lol). I unfortunately got into a weird and bad habit of enjoying being sad. I'd get drunk and watch sad stuff or whatever and enjoy feeling sad and crying. It was very toxic. I also picked up the habit of cutting, which unfortunately left a couple scars. I do not care tho, as I am still alive and no one can say anything to me about silly scars that can even remotely affect me after what I've been through.

Another thing to mention that happened throughout these 2 years (there's a lot so I'm trying to remember main points and keep it relatively "short") is that food and weight became a big hurdle. I was walking to work everyday, and it wasn't too far, but my caloric intake was very little. So I was struggling to maintain a healthy weight. A tip for someone in a similar situation is that canned foods like beans are a godsend, add to that some bread and you're good on calories for very cheap.

Anyways, long story short, hell kept on going, but I managed to finish my bachelor's with a 3.3 GPA. Before my last semester even ended, I started applying left and right to every known university on planet earth -

Long story short, I am now in France, doing my masters, working part time as well as some online freelancing, and living - not just alive. I know for many how I am currently living is laughable, but to me, being able to eat a burger at a restaurant and not worry too much about it is heavenly right now. I'm even able to save money and spend some every month on vanity items.

There's a LOT that I wish I could spend hours and hours talking about, but for now, I just wanted to keep it as a little update to the curious VERY KIND souls that are still messaging me - as well as a very minor message to the desperate people out there, that you can TRULY make it.

Everyone always sees these "You can do it too!", but it never feels genuine. You always can see this 1 difference that they go over that is actually the game changer. So I urge you, look at my previous post. Look at what my situation was - country, family, financials, mental health - and then tell me, is it impossible for you to make it as well ? By no means am I saying I'm a super hero, or that I'm the exception or lucky or special, I genuinely had no luck going through this, just work. (I wanted to type hard work, but hard work implies I was doing work better than the average person, when I was not, by hard work I would rather it mean working while barely having any mental capacity for the will to live)

In any case, that's enough from me for now. I'm probably gonna answer the questions (if any) I get on this, to hopefully shed more light over some gaps of these past 4 years and my situation, so feel free to ask anything !

From a random stranger - lovya stranger :p

PS. Even 4 years later I STILL cannot thank enough the kind souls that replied to my last post, so if any of you are here, THANK YOU SO MUCHHH.

Relevant Comment

WizKaneki: This was so heartwarming to read. We're all so incredibly proud of you man, know that you're loved and appreciated, I hope to see another update in a years time to hear just how well you're doing :) will drop a follow!

OOP: It feels good thinking about the future now, so hopefully I'll be able to make a good update a couple years later !! Thank you so so much for your kind words, I'm sure with a kind soul like yourself you are very loved and appreciated !!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 24th April 2024

- 18th May 2024

Hello was told you guys might be able to help, this fella just laid 2 eggs out here and is just hanging out what should I do?

Comments

Glock_Xinia

Not to worry! See that little twig in the second pic? That’s the nest, and a true marvel of architectural design it is! Does this area get any traffic/use? If these guys are safe up there, I would watch and wait. Dad might be back with more twigs.

BeanzOnToasttt

I fkn snorted when I saw the twig😭 why are they so bad at building nests!?

truffanis_6367

Listen, you just don’t get the deconstructed vibe that’s really in right now in the hipster dove spaces

fzzball

Assuming you're in North America, you can legally do whatever you like here, because this isn't a native species. If you want to be nice, provide some more twigs and leave them alone for a few weeks (but there will be poop everywhere). If you want to be a jerk, take the eggs and leave them somewhere for predators. If you want to be neutral, let them figure it out.

cassafrass024

Because they used to lay their eggs on rocky outcrops. However, humans moved in and brought them to areas where they weren’t native, so they had to improvise lol. This is what they came up with. At least that’s how I understand it. If someone with more knowledge can give the proper info, I would appreciate it.

FlyingFox32

Wait, is this why they're called rock doves, or is that just the type of pigeon my mom told me about when I was a kid?

cassafrass024

My understanding is yes, that is why they’re called rock doves!

Update - 4 weeks later

After reading through the comments a few weeks back I decided I was going to help the mama with her nest. I found an old Easter basket and old box to put under it (was warned of the poop) and gently set her eggs in it with the little stick too, that was the night of my original post. The next day she was chilling in it, and here we are today with two adorable little babies. Feeling like a proud grandparent or something.

Comments

DoeJoeFro

“The stick” She tried so hard! Happy birdmother’s day to her and happy honorary-birdmother’s day to you!

EveningShame6692

Job well done to both of you! Those babies are adorable!

aysthingsbackwards

omg yay, now they can go forth and make their own stupid nests

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Thread:

Context: the Swedish man proclaims to be fit, handsome and polite but doesn't understand why the Italian women date and flock around his apparent non-good looking Irish co-worker who he says is a good guy and funny (clue), but he can't comprehend how beautiful Italian women are attracted enough to date him due to his inferior looks and their beauty.

I'm sorry women from Italy don't treat you as the total Chad you deserve to be treated as and they're failing to meet the standard you're used from women all over the world. The fact that they dare to like some Irish dude, which you're totally not jealous of, makes the whole thing even worse.

Oh, women! Can't you see the Authentic Swedish Beauty when you're facing it? Too much pizza and pasta made you blind or something? I suggest you complain to the local embassy.

And another user replies to the above with

Embassy of Italy Dublin:

The Italian women then proceed to rip apart Scandinavian looks in the comments.

As an Italian I personally find the tall, blonde, blue eyes profile very boring. I would 10 times prefer a dark man, likely shorter and potentially less handsome but with a great sense of humour.

Sometimes handsome tall and probably fair blond is not associated to masculinity in the Mediterranean (ps I am Italian I consider regular handsome fair men too feminine). It is a personal point of view.

Italian women don’t like Swedish their facial structure and blonde is turn off

Empirically speaking, I'd say Italian men have Swedish women as a type way more than Italian women have Swedish men.

Evidently his humour resonates better with them, because looks, fitness and being polite gets you only this far.

And final blow by a fellow Scandinavian/Norwegian

''he is funny I guess, not humour I would really understand due to being Swedish''

That'll be it.

Greetings from Norway 😘

CONTEXT: is a sub focused on foreigners living in Japan (not traveling or visiting, the mods will straight up ban you), allowing them to discuss their lives, ask questions, and connect with others. One thing you should know is that there is always a baseline of toxicity present in the sub, to the point that another Japan residents sub was created, , to escape it. This means drama is just a post away at all times. And in this instance, has a teacher asking the sub if they should inform their student that they're on the spectrum, and the sub replies that their "diagnosis" is unwarranted.

A user feels that they have one job only, another disagrees

You see a person struggling. Don't help them, it's not your job to make their life easier. I agree, not everyone should give out medical advice, and one should not easily believe such advice from a random person, but your suggestion is just beyond awful.

Let me help you, there is nothing good that can come from this. Nothing. The absolute best case is the student asks for another teacher. Since OP is likely teaching adults and paid for the lessons she's requested for that means a drop in income for her and an alienated student. That's the best case. The more likely one is student drops all their lessons and asks for a refund of anything they've paid but not used. When asked about it they explain what our altruistic friend told them resulting in disciplinary action against OP likely meaning all their students will be reassigned and they'll need to find a new job. That's the likely case. more follows

Have your read the post though? OP said she's leaving, none of your "best" or "worst" cases can happen.

Oh, well, as long as OP gets to drop a neurological and developmental disorder “diagnosis” under the guise of helping an 18 year old kid who is paying her for English classes and then peace out the next day from responsibility, everything’s peachy then isn’t it? Shit take there.

Let's say I see a person suffering from the same condition as I do. If they get to recognize their condition and get a proper treatment their life would be better. I know it from my own experience. What would be the reason not to let them know?

In this instance you would be abusing your professional relationship with a client of your workplace, who is also an 18 year old kid, in an attempt to diagnose him with a disorder on the basis that he has similar patterns of behaviour as you do...more follows... There is just zero consideration for anything else besides you wanting to “save” a kid from a disorder he may or may not have. It is grossly, grossly inappropriate.

Whoa man, may be it's you who need to see a specialist for the lack of empathy. Calling human beings "dispensable" and thinking they are some kind of robots who must not step outside their box is not normal and in no way acceptable. I'd like to continue the discussion but that's not possible unless you cut your arrogance.

It was the OP’s post and circumstances that was under discussion hence why I replied “in this instance”, but since you’ve decided to deviate from that the conversation does indeed end here.

OP responds to the initial comment and is mobbed by downvotes

Your going off a hunch. Many Japanese men especially those young in their late teens in general can exhibit this same behavior you described. That doesn't mean autism. Lack of social skills is just one piece of autism there is a number of other symptoms and behaviors to consider.

I appreciate this. I teach many young men who also display what would be considered autistic traits in my country. However, I accept that much of this will be socialization and cultural norms. With the one young man in question, he ticks almost every box for textbook male autism.

One user even questions OP's own diagnosis

Yes, I have a formal diagnosis. However, prior to that, several different people suggested to me that I get tested. Once I looked into the condition, I realized that they were right.

There’s a nuance here that’s missing from your original post. Saying “it sounds like you might have certain symptoms of X, maybe it’d be a good idea to look into it/get tested for that just in case” is massively different to saying “hey so I think you have X!”. It sounds like you want to do the latter, and people here are rightly warning against it. Regardless of your own situation, please don’t attempt to armchair diagnose someone else. That isn’t even a Japan thing, it’s advice for life in general.

In this case, BOTH are inappropriate on multiple levels. OP is the student's ENGLISH TEACHER, not their therapist/psychiatrist. Diagnosing, or suggesting a student has autism is inappropriate in EVERY instance in this case. Made even worse by the absolute lack of cultural awareness. DO NOT DO IT. I don't care if this is "constructive" advice, it is PRACTICAL advice, and encouraging OP to do anything else is wrong, and potentially harmful to both her and her student. There are HUGE social stigmas against ANYTHING that deviates from social homogeneity in Japan, and you're saddling that student with anxiety over something he can 1) be ostracized for and 2) may not even have. more follows

I don't see how this may be harmful. Someone kindly and wholeheartedly suggests I should get checked for autism. Which I do. Outcome 1: I really have autism. Yikes! But thanks for telling, now I know myself better and can work around it. Outcome 2: I don't have autism, great! But thanks for telling anyway, it would suck if I had it and left it undiagnosed. Where's the harm?

Japan's attitude towards mental health is very different from the West.

Another feels that, culture be damned, OP's idea is wrong

Really? Being told I had autism by lay people, and subsequently getting a diagnosis, hugely improved my life. It put everything into perspective for me.

And in a homogenous society like Japan, it could have an entirely different effect. What you're failing to grasp is that there is absolutely NO situation in which YOU telling him or suggesting to him that he might be autistic is appropriate. NONE. NOT. ONE. He doesn't need a white knight to rescue him, he needs a capable English teacher. If you're not, then your sole responsibility to him is to let him find one who is.

Could you explain what Japan-specific effect it would have?

Just about everybody who has some experience and understanding of Japanese society already told you.

So you can't explain it

Finally, a person asks if they are just shy

I’ve given a very brief overview of his situation to make my post readable. To do that, I have focused on the more traditional autistic traits he has. However there are many more. He isn’t shy as such; he just says that he doesn’t know what to say. Communication clearly doesn’t come naturally to him as it would for a neuron typical person.

Doesn't know what to say in English or Japanese? If English then yeah, most 18 year old Japanese kids who are good at English don`t have that much vocabulary. Only if they've lived abroad. In Japanese? Japanese people don't talk easily to each other in case you haven't noticed. Including teens who are like teens elsewhere who are still learning social skills including conversational skills with people they aren't familiar with. Just because you go to school or college it doesn't mean the people you are with will be familiar to you. And Japanese people do cliques and other closed circles as a matter of culture. Not being mean but you don't seem to have much knowledge of the country you live and work in.

With OP being rather level-headed, the drama was kept pretty tame, although there are some more one-quip-wonders inside the original thread. Of course, while they may have good intentions, a layperson deciding to diagnose someone from a different culture seems a bit too large of a leap. And some flair to go with it are "imagine how would you feel if your teacher told you, you have autism", "poor eye contact is unfortunately common in Japan 🥲", "Grow up, and I don`t say that because of your self-described autism", "so being introverted/shy is being autistic?", and "they need to educate the poor backwards Japanese about WW2" . I hope you enjoyed another round of Japan drama.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 6th May 2024

- 18th May 2024

Hairdresser fried my hair to the point of no return weeks before my wedding

I have been scared to go the the salon for ages but finally decided to go to look nice for my wedding. The service was a color correction. My hair has been preprocessed before and I let him know my history. Starting point was level 2 dye and we had agreed to use color remover. The goal was a warm honey brown with potentially blonde highlights in the front (IF POSSIBLE WITHOUT COMPROMISING HAIR INTEGRITY).

I found out later he used bleach.. when he took out the first foils the hair was a pale yellow and was literally crumbling off in my hands like raw noodles. I was horrified, and when I asked him to take the rest of the foils out he got frustrated and made me feel crazy.

By the end of the service my hair was a strange blonde grey (and totally uneven) and doesn’t seem like it will take color. It feels like straw and damaged to the point of no return. He also upcharged me 40$ and didn’t explain why. When I left, the receptionist said the manager noticed I looked stressed and said she would be willing to fix it. Paid in full and left because I was in shock, still haven’t gotten a call back from the manager.

What should I do? They weren’t clear whether I would have to pay for another service or whether they would be fixing it/refunding to potentially save their reputation. What are my rights as a customer? I’ll update if anyone is interested.

Update: I documented everything and typed it up in a word document with dates and times. Took pics and sent it to the owner. She didn’t take accountability for the kid and made me feel like I overreacted but agreed to do a 5 week treatment plan and at the end a gloss or color. She said if I’m still unhappy with it she will refund. Treatment #1 went incredible. She used L’Oréal Absolut Repair Molecular. Worked way better than olaplex, please try it!

I will make a new post with pics of the before and after results of the deep treatments! I hope this thread can help someone in the future in case they experience something similar.

Comments

chicklette

They should fix this for free. Call tomorrow, explain what happened, and ask for a free fix and new stylist.

OOP: Thank you, I appreciate the support

Artistic_Entry_2947

Don’t call. Walk in and explain, and the manager should assist to fix it.

Update - 12 days later

Owner of the salon agreed to fix it with L’Oréal Absolut Molecular Repair. The texture is much better. Doesn’t feel like gum or straw anymore. She said she will do a refund if I still don’t like it by the end (2 more treatments to go). Do you guys think it’s appropriate to ask her to fix the color at this point? Also I found out that The Sun wrote an article about it and I thought it was kind of hilarious. Especially because the owner took no accountability for the junior stylist and tried to excuse his behavior. Pic is in slide 3.

Comments

bear-fox-woman

Afaik no product will actually restore your hair once it’s been overprocessed. It will make it look better for a limited time, at best. I’d still ask for a refund, especially since the color isn’t what you wanted either.

OOP: I think will tbh, thank you

Altruistic-Bobcat955

Yep let them finish the treatments then point out they can’t fix their mistake and get that refund. They might learn to look after their customers better

OOP: True! 2 more treatments to go. It’s so awkward to ask because I have anxiety but all of these comments are giving me the confidence I need to stand up for myself. Thank you

Altruistic-Bobcat955

Oh I have that issue too! I’ve had my mum/partner meet me towards the end to boost my confidence/speak for me to say it’s not okay/need refund. If you really struggle advocating for yourself then it’s perfectly okay to let a loved one do it.

OOP: My fiancé can be a bit intimidating so I’ll probably have him come up with me haha

SnooDoughnuts6973

That's what I do! I'm a very quiet, meek woman with severe anxiety. My fiancé is a very quiet, stoic man who has zero issue staring down someone into submission. That sounds bad, but he only uses his powers for good lmao. Such as your current situation. A+ for fiancés that stick up for their fiancées that can't do it for themselves

RosieBiatch

Damn, where can I meet one? I always seemed to find guys before that found it unattractive that I was too shy to stand up for myself. Now that I’ve worked hard to become like that and can stand up for myself (but absolutely still find it draining and uncomfortable), now I seem to find guys that don’t like it because they want to be protective and I’m too ‘strong’

OOP: You’ll find one! If these guys are put off by you for some reason they’re not the one. Just be yourself and the right guy will come along ❤️ I met mine by accident at a music shop

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

OOP posts a missing child poster for their child, :

My son was picked up this morning by a person in a 2013/2014 Chevy Silverado extended cab with temporary tags. If you see this vehicle with two young boys in it, please contact the police immediately

Here is the description for the child that the poster has:

12-year-old, Macy “Aiden” Donovan was reported missing, last seen at home at 8:00 a.m., Thursday, May 23, 2024. She was last seen wearing a big pink sweatshirt, grey sweatpants.

Getting this out of the way first so you won’t feel worried while reading the drama: the child was found safe!

Let’s get started then, with the drama that appears when redditors between the wording the OOP used for their child, and the police’s wording:

So there was already a kid in the car, or was another grabbed with your son? I am so sorry, I hope your baby is found

I think their son is trans and Marysville police don’t recognize that fact beyond the supposed “nickname”

Good for the police.

Good for you kissing my ass :)

I’ll lick it darling.

Glad you know your place in life is kissing ass. Makes things easier for everyone else when you admit it.

It’s licking, not kissing. Fruit loop.

Either way you’re under someone else’s ass

the irony of an ass-licker who can’t mind their own business about a kidnapped kid calling someone fruity lmao

Which name is the “correct” one, :

Poor kiddo— get home safe Aiden ❤️

Macy

When a name is in quotes between their given first and last name, that implies the name they go by, which is Aiden.

Who is actually misgendering here? Mom or police? :

Either the sheriff or the parent is misgendering this child, right?

Most likely the cops. The more masculine name is in quotations like a nickname.

It doesn't help to look for a boy when the kid is a girl.

There’s a picture. Look for that.

Lastly, a :

who is in the photo?

Presumably their son.

it's confusing because the description below the photo uses a different name than the headline of the announcement. it also specifically says "she", while OP said "son". edit: oops, the name under the headline is the Sherrif. sorry.

I’m making an assumption that the police are using legal gender/pronouns and the parent is using preferred gender/pronouns.

Nonbinary kid, I assume from the flyer.

I don't think your focus should really be on their gender. If you see someone who looks like that report it. Don't get into your right wing bs about if it's a male or female or anything like that. A parent is missing their child - that's as far has you need to take it.

something mentioned two children and there's only one photo. i was wondering if there was something we were missing. definitely not a right-wing nutjob, chill out

We're discussing an abduction, not what somebody wants to be called. You should not be offended.

If anything the parent doubling-down on the preferred pronoun thing is a terrible idea in this instance. The child looks like a girl with short hair, and people should be on the lookout for a girl with short hair.

yeah, it’s a terrible idea to…indicate the name and pronouns by which the child is used to being called and, therefore, will be most attuned/most likely to respond. 🤨

if the parent—who is the OP, and who is currently experiencing the unimaginable, let’s bear in mind—were refusing to let the flyer reflect all potentially identifying information the general public may perceive, that would be unwise, but they aren’t doing that.

people should be on the lookout for a child who looks like the child shown in the photo and described on the flyer. all the information is there—your personal assessment of the child’s gender presentation could literally not matter less.

A lot of hate in this thread - so sad. All I was doing was defending a kid and the barrage of downvotes ensue. Generally I've found Columbus to be accepting but the number of downvotes and negative comments is disturbing.

the OOP’s thread is likely to get deleted soon imo, but it’s still worth looking at

Edit: missing link

This subreddit was banned due to being unmoderated.

Banned 2 years ago due to being unmoderated.