I had to speed up the process of actually talking to her since the story spread quickly around on the internet, inevitably reaching someone involved with friends or family and now way more people i personally know are getting the details than I'm comfortable with

Oh well my bad lol

Before I ended up chatting with her, I opened up to my parents and sister about what was happening in detail. My parents were flustered at me hiding the more unsavory details to say the least and are probably going to be checking up on me daily for the rest of the year to make sure I'm ok. My sister would probably have to be held back from thrashing her, so I had to get a friend to help with the chat since my sister would not be able to contain herself

So basically, within hours of the story going into the digital stratosphere I called my wife back as quickly as I could to finally sit down and talk. We chose a local park this morning and I had a friend of mine record the conversation from beginning to end. I was bacially ready to hear the generic affair story and get out of dodge

But of course it got complicated.

We met at a section with picnic tables and picked one as far away from other people to avoid them getting wrapped up in any awkwardness. She looked terrible. Haggard, stressed, and thankfully without the baby. She tried to have the big emotional chat and what not. I wasn't tearing up or acting like the hardened badass. I frankly was just wanting to figure out what this was all for

I didn't even get to ask the question before the floodgates spilled. I'm going to attempt to relay this story as best as I can because even looking back on the recording it's a mess, but also, it's because I don't 100% believe it, so fair warning, it could all be fake

This all started with her mother. As I said before my wife's father was absent. He sarted off well, having 2 sons with her mother before herm l. When her mother got pregnant with her, her father went from being the picture perfect guy he was at first and slowly changed into a negligent, abusive, unfaithful, and unsupportive jackass, ending with him disappearing when her mother was delivering. He's been in and out of prison since. No one knows why he did it. The impression her mother always gave was a strong resilient woman who withstood anything life threw at her and did anything for her kids. She has claimed to be in therapy for years. In reality, she has managed to conceal a deep hatred for men outside of her sons, but according to my wife there was favoritism towards her. My wife also found out she stopped therapy almost a decade ago but never told anyone.

Her mother seemed to always have some slight against me and now i know why. She was never hostile, but certainly wasn't warm to me, and hearing about her secret hatred, I kinda knew where this was going. Roughly about half a year before she got pregnant, my MIL slowly began sowing seeds of doubt and bitterness into my wife. Apparently she had a full mental break. She told her about me staying late at work possibly hiding an affair. Or that myself providing majority on the income setting her up for a hard divorce. Everything my MILs husband did to her, she convinced my wife I would do to her, and she pumped this poison into her for months. My wife always idolized her mother, and compounding that with anxiety she's suffered from for years, she dove in deep.

As soon as she got pregnant, like on the dot, she fell into a mental hole within days. And that's when her mother got hold of her again. Hearing about her pregnancy apparently triggered something fierce in my MIL and it spiraled from there. She had my wife fully convinced it was happening again

Every single thing my wife did to hurt me was at the behest of my MIL. Combined with pregnancy hormones, an undiagnosed mental illness she claims to have (no confirmation), and stress, she completely lost her mind. She 100% believed I would bail, so she was punishing me first, culminating in her moving in with her mother and leaving me out of the birth

While I was sending the papers and started the divorce proceedings, she kicked into full blown post partum depression. And when her mother finally got her, when she finally beat me, which I guess was her victory over her ex (did I mention she's fucking crazy), she had no more use of my wife. The family involved in the birth included my MILs sister and my wife's brothers. While my MIL and her sister knew what was going on, my BILs got fed the bs narrative my MIL spun. When my MIL was done with her plan, the entire facade came down and my BILs found out everything upon questioning my wife. They were horrified.

Needless to say, postpartum, facing a very grueling divorce on her side, no longer welcome in our home, and having done everything to alienate me from my son at the behest of a broken lunatic, reality hit her like a truck. She torched her entire life because her mother is a broken shell of a human who used her to enact her own sense of justice. The very mother who washed her hands of her after she got what she wanted

Or at least this is the story she gave me

Frankly, there are many holes in her story. The starting point of the pattern of abuse, the claims of who was involved in the delivery, me being absent from appointments, the friend (who she confirmed is female) she's staying with, and of course, my alleged sons paternity.

It seems way too fucking crazy to be made up. Who the hell would go to the effort to make this up facing what she's facing?

As soon as she finished, she said she's setting up a paternity test and gave me the info I need. Within luck it should be done in roughly a week or so once i do my part. She gave the most sincere apologies any human being has ever given. She's begged for another chance. I was frankly, to stunned to say anything, so she left and promised to call soon

I don't think I can give her another chance. I don't think I can ever risk anything like this again.

God I'm still hoping she's just being a cheating psycho and spinning a sympathy story to try and throw me off, because this got way too complicated

Me and my husband have been together for over nine years and separating our finances never occurred to me until this past year.

I'm the saver and he's the spender. In the beginning it didn't bother me because we had two incomes and wasn't rich but lived comfortably.

His family has always "borrowed" money from us but rarely ever pay that money back. I personally don't lend money not even to family but I do not stop him from lending to his.

A few years ago my husband was in a bad car wreck and can no longer work so I became the sole breadwinner. He now gets disability but that was a four year process. In that time we dwindled our savings to nothing and came close to losing everything. Our debt mounted and there was nothing I could do.

When he received his back pay I only asked him to pay off his vehicle a loan in which I've paid over 50 grand on in the last few years and put some in savings.

He did neither. Instead he blew the money. Loaning over 10 grand to his family and paying nothing towards the debt we created.

During this time I was able to save some money from my paycheck but not much and had plans to pay some debts off once I have enough saved. He knew I was saving to do this.

About a month ago I noticed over 700 missing out our savings and I asked him what happened!?! He replied with I loaned it to my parents. I asked when he was going to receive it back because that money was already spent and I needed it. He said I don't know when they can afford to.

I blew up an lost my shit. He didn't ask me, we didn't speak about it. He did it behind my back because he knew it would piss me off and I would say no if he asked. We had a huge fight. I figured after that fight he would stop. But no...

Yesterday I checked my account and another thousand dollars was gone. Gone where u ask? He gave it his parents. I'm so mad I see red.

I flat out told him that as of today I'm done with his parents. I'll pay half the household bills buy our food and that's it. If he wants to lend all his disability to them fine but I'm not gonna go bust my ass 60 hours a week so he can keep giving our money away.

So AITA for going to the bank and withdrawing all the money I put there and opening a new account he don't have access to? He seems to think I am and says that I should want to make his parents happy. I would like to see them happy I just don't want to pay for that happiness.

One of my boyfriend's close colleagues had their baby shower today and he asked if I wanted to tag along. I got there, everything was pretty, and there were some good vibes. It was mostly the colleague's family and three of his other coworkers that were there, who ended up meeting (one male, two females).

When my boyfriend went to introduce me to one of the women, his male coworker jumped in saying, "That's his work wife!" And they all laughed. My boyfriend didn't really laugh genuinely but more coyly with his head down like he knew it wasn't right. I did not laugh at all and looked at both of them. The guy continued, "Yeah, everyone knows they're practically married. You should see their faces whenever one is missing out of work... they act so depressed. I asked if I could join them so I can get free food too!" (Not verbatim but that’s basically what he said)

I had no words. The "work wife" tried to make light of the situation by tapping my shoulder and joking, "Don't worry, he's in good hands!" And then she started telling my boyfriend that I was beautiful and he was lucky to have me. I didn't know what to say. I smiled politely and whispered to my boyfriend that I was leaving. He tried gripping my hip harder as an indirect way of saying no, but I pulled it off and called an Uber to go home because I was distraught.

He never mentioned having a "work wife" to me and I don't like the thought of it at all. I guess people were asking where I went and my boyfriend felt awkward because he had to make up a lie for me leaving early when they could already tell the real reason why I left so abruptly. He wanted me to wait and talk it out later. I knew I was only going to get angrier if I did.

AITA?

So when my parents were expecting me my mom decided to name me Catherine Elizabeth. My mom felt strongly about the name Catherine and Elizabeth was a family name on both sides so it was a kind of compromise name. Neither loved it but mom didn't like any of my dad's choices for middle name and my dad didn't like Catherine and with mom saying no to the middle name they decided to use a mutual family name. During my birth my mom suffered many complications. She was rushed for an emergency c-section and ended up needing multiple blood transfusions and was out of it for a couple of weeks. During that time dad decided he was going to name me what he wanted since my mom cut him out of choosing my first name. And I ended up with a name my dad loved but my mom hated it. She had no say in the name. By the time she was healthy enough, they were told they would need to pay to change it. Mom was bitter. My parents are still married but never recovered from it and I 100% get it. My mom was betrayed and is angry that he went against what she wanted while she was at her lowest point.

The thing in all of this is I love my first name. I got the middle name Elizabeth still. I don't care for that either way. But I love my first name. Even though my mom hates it. She always wanted me to be Catherine. And after I turned 18 a few weeks ago she asked me to let her pay now for me to change my name. She said she regrets not doing it when I was a baby. But she admitted my name makes her so angry and brings the betrayal up to the front of her memory. So she would love for me to wear the name she chose now... But I hate Catherine. I don't want to be Catherine.

This really upset my mom. She thinks my name is dumb. It's unique and not common in the US as a name. And I admit it's not for everyone but it is for me. I'm glad I ended up with my name over Catherine. But I know my mom is struggling with that realization. She really thought I would want to be Catherine when I turned 18 and would be glad to do it with her offer to pay. And she told me how disappointed she was and she asked me if I would consider it for her. I told her if I did it would make me unhappy. She got kinda mad at me and she implied she felt betrayed all over again.

AITA?

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My husband is mad that I refuse to give my stepdaughter cash gift after graduating from high school, like I did with my stepson and later with my daughter

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: bullying, body shaming, mentions of an eating disorder, harassment, entitlement

  Jan 20, 2022

Hi! I’m a 43 years old woman. I have one daughter 18. Her father left us when I was pregnant with her. I own a small company in interior design and it’s very successful in my country. I make a very good living. I met my husband 55, about 8 years ago. He moved in with me 7 years ago and we got married 2 years ago in a private ceremony. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. Boy 20 and a girl 19.

Both my stepchildren hated me and my daughter in the beginning of the relationship. When my husband asked them how they’d feel about him moving together with me they both initially hated the idea and told him that if he did it they would just stay permanently with their mother. After a while my husband moved in anyway and said to them that they were welcome should they change their mind. They did, after seeing the big house with the pool and all all great accommodations. The boy started liking us gradually and we’re on great terms now.

The daughter, not so much. She was horrible to me and my daughter and one day when she was 13-14 I heard her making fun of my daughter’s weight and looks to her face. I was livid. I have suffered ED growing up because of bullying so I KNEW how dangerous that was. I knew how my daughter must’ve felt, so I told my husband that stepdaughter was never allowed to live in my house again. My stepdaughter tried to apologize and she was sobbing but I didn’t budge. I had too long of an experience with bullies that I knew it just got worse when they got confronted and had to apologize and I wasn’t going to take the risk. So she moved permanently with her mother(my initial plan was to break up actually but this was my husband’s idea)

She still bullied my daughter in school (they didn’t go to the same high school but my stepdaughter had friends in my daughter’s class that did her bidding. I found about all of this about a year ago. My daughter was embarrassed to tell us and she thought she could manage her bullies. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty that my baby didn’t dare to confide in me.

Uni is free in my country. Students often take student loans (with almost zero interests) and work part time jobs while studying to make ends meet but the education is free. When my stepson started uni however I gave him €100K so he didn’t have to work or anything and just concentrate on his studies (engineering). He was so grateful but told us that he wasn’t sure he could be trusted with a large sum so my husband is handling his money making monthly payments. I am planning to do the same with my daughter.

Stepdaughter graduated with great marks and she’s started medical school this year. She asked her father about her 100K and he came to ask me. I was confused because before I gifted my stepson I asked my husband if I could do it and the reason was because I wasn’t planning on doing the same thing with my stepdaughter. He told me I could do what I wanted and it wasn’t weird at all because My stepson and I had a great relationship and he always saw me as a second mom. He got really mad and told me that my stepdaughter had changed a lot, but it wasn’t true at all. Although she wasn’t living with us anymore she made sure to make our lives a living hell every time she visited and even got physical with my and my daughter. If she started playing nice now it was only because there was money involved and I knew that and my husband knew that too. I even told him that she called my that bitch and even in the phone my number was saved under “that bitch”.

He is now very angry. He hasn’t talked to me in over a week. He’s saying I’m using my money to control their lives and that he’s heartbroken. If I don’t have enough money for both daughters I can split my daughter’s share between them since my daughter isn’t even sure she wants to start college right away (and let’s face it, she will likely never get into med school: his words) Maybe if I did it, stepdaughter would be more grateful and be closer to my daughter. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t owe my stepdaughter anything. My daughter and I have suffered enough because of her ways. She’s could still do like the rest of her peers. Work and take loans and she has a bright future ahead of her. There maybe be some truth in his words about me using my money as a reward/punishment. I an ashamed but still defiant. I should do what I want with my money.

Tl;dr my stepdaughter treated my daughter awfully and that made me exclude her from my plans to help the kids financially while they’re in uni

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TreeCityKitty

So your husband has been just sitting around waiting for you to pay for both his kids? What a charmer.

OOP

He pays alimony and paid child support.

TreeCityKitty

That's good but it sounds like he expects his daughter to receive the same treatment as his son and your daughter. He knows she hasn't treated you or your daughter well and has been a bully to both of you. What makes him think she deserves anything and why does he not insist she treat you both better? Why does he think you owe her anything?

~

FluffyDog423

You uh, you know this man is just with you for your money right?

Right?

You may want to reconsider that whole breaking up plan you had

OOP

Maybe he is.. he never showed anything like that before 😕

FluffyDog423

Well, think about it logically, if your children told you they would never see you again if you moved in with a man, what would you do? I’ll take a wild guess and say you would end it, right? Well, he didn’t. So, we’ve already established he’s a bad dad who doesn’t actually care about his children’s best interests.

Next, his kids didn’t want to move in with you until they realized you were rich. Kids often learn these morals from their parents, so what does it tell you that both kids were suddenly okay with things, and the step daughter threw a fit about leaving the home of a woman she hated, simply because you have nice things? Maybe that they were raised by someone who has a particular interest in the finer things in life.

Continuation of point one, when it came to picking his child or picking your money, again he picked you with the money and permanently kicked his kid out. What the fuck?

Finally, now that you’ve said you won’t give her any money, he’s trying to pretend he’s a good father? But we’ve already established twice, he doesn’t actually give a shit about his kids best interests. And given he’s the one in charge of his son’s money, it stands to reason he’d probably expect the same. Even if he didn’t, again, he’s only willing to ‘be a good dad’ when that involves taking your money. If it involves giving up your money though, oh no his kids can go rot for all he cares.

And I guess one last point, he wanted you to give up providing for your actual child to provide to his, and even decided to insult your kid, so that brings me back to my first point, if you were in a situation where you had to choose between a man and your kid, who would you choose? Because you seem like you’d choose your kid, even before you realize he’s just in it for the money. Remember, truly manipulative people, you never see it coming.

~

Bangbangsmashsmash

He can ask his son to share his money with his sister or he can provide he with some money. He is basically asking you to try to buy your stepdaughter’s affection, and you’re saying you don’t think that’s a good investment with probable returns

OOP

He already tried. Stepson was furious. He’s not in good terms with his sister

throwawayj38sld

Your stepson may wanna put a lock on his account (if you don’t have access) to stop his dad transferring money to the sister behind his back... I wouldn’t put it past him.

And please make sure your own will is ironclad.

You would be rewarding bullies if you gave your SD the cash. And no, it wouldn’t foster a more positive relationship. Your daughter would likely just feel very upset that her nemesis is being rewarded, by her own mum, and it’ll damage that relationship. Don’t do that!

OOP

I have no access to my stepson’s money. I don’t think my husband would do something like that but maybe I need to tell my stepson that he needs to be more cautious? Do I even have the right to do that?

~

Ehzabeth

Wow, I’m so sorry. Honestly the stepdaughter sounds like a total nightmare and I can’t believe she used people to bully a younger girl at a different school. That’s horrid and proves you were right that once you confronted stepdaughter about the bullying it would in fact get worse for your daughter. I think it’s absolutely insane that anyone would expect you to drop that much money on someone who will obviously treat you and your daughter like shit. I know it’s hard on your husband but I think you are more than fair. You paid for your stepson, built a relationship, she isn’t entitled to the same just because she wants money. You aren’t controlling their lives, it sounds like your husband has let your stepdaughter run out of control. You aren’t being controlling not dropping 100k on a kid that would bully yours into social isolation/an ED. Why does she get special treatment over your stepson and your daughter? I hope you don’t pay for her school, this shit will never end if you give in now… next it’ll be her wedding, her house… just gross

Edit- if she’s literally laid hands on you and your daughter I wouldn’t let her near you or your money, she sounds like if she doesn’t get a reality check she will just keep growing into a monster

OOP

Yes, about getting physical. She pushed my daughter so hard that my daughter stumbled and fell over the Christmas tree, two years ago. She said she didn’t mean it my daughter was in her way and she didn’t see her. She didn’t know that I was watching the whole time. She even laughed when my daughter fell. She wasn’t allowed in our house on holidays afterwards. Me, she literally slapped me in the face when she was 14.

That’s what my husband say. That I have kicked her out and forbidden her from visiting on many occasions and his experience is that because I own the house I’m doing this. I wouldn’t be able to do the same if it was his/joint house. I don’t see it like that at all! I always made it clear my daughter came first and if I had to choose between our relationship and my daughter I chose my daughter. In his mind that’s extortion

  Jan 25, 2022

Hi! I have now talked to both my husband and my stepdaughter so I thought I should share it with you if you’re interested. But before that I want to say that I’m very disgusted(although not surprised) by the amount of people who actually took a bully’s side. What I wrote in my first post wasn’t just one-off incidents. any one with more than three brain cells should have understood I wasn’t going to write 8 years worth of bullying and bad behavior in one post to convince bully apologists to understand why I did what I did. Many also talked about how we, as parents, have “failed” the bully. I don’t know how since the two other children we raised turned out to be decent human beings with a lot of empathy for others around them. I only wish everyone who defends bullies, or try to explain away their horrible life scarring behavior, to never have had to deal with one in their or their children’s lives and feel the pain they can inflict on others. I do not regret any of my actions. I saw my stepdaughter for what she was and I acted instinctively. Her young age played little to no roll in my decision to protect my baby. My daughter was and still is my sole priority.

Update: I decided that I should try to confront my stepdaughter directly instead of communicating through my husband or via text so I asked her around for tea. She accepted immediately which was a first. She showed up last Sunday. I sat her and my husband down and I just bluntly asked her why she should expect any financial help from me when she hated my guts. She got defensive and said that she didn’t ask me, she asked her dad. I told her that I knew she wasn’t stupid and she well knew that stepson got his gift from me and not their father. She said what’s the difference you’re married. I told her the difference is that stepson treated me and my daughter as family while she always hated us, bullied her little stepsister even in high school (she was shocked here she didn’t know I have found out about the high school bullying) and I asked her if she would give money to someone she knew hated her half of the amount she hated me and why then she expected Me to do that.

She started crying and apologizing etc. I told her I wasn’t the one she should be apologizing to. I told her that I wished her great success and happiness but that I won’t be helping her financially throughout her education.

My husband was silent the whole time, when she left I told him to never compare our daughters again making my daughter to be the inferior one just because she wasn’t as academically successful as her stepsister. I trust my daughter and I want her to be happy and if she wants to study in a “less prestigious” school so be it! Her happiness is the most important thing to me and I didn’t appreciate him dragging her and comparing her to others when none of what happened has anything to do with her. He tried to apologize and told me he just wanted to help his daughter. I told him he’s free to do that however he wanted, just not on my daughter’s expense.

We have been civil to each other ever since although he’s a bit cold towards me, but hopefully he’s just ashamed of this whole episode. I will give him some space because honestly I need some myself to think things over.

Thank you for listening.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

woolygoldfish99

So when's the divorce party?

OOP

Oh god! I have been thinking nonstop about our future together. I don’t want to make any rash decisions while agitated. I think having my space is a good start for now

A few commenters think OOP handled it wrong and should not have turned her back on the stepdaughter

It was my struggling child or her abuser. It was very easy choice. I hope you do the same for yours :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

My brother was married to Katrina for 8 years. He has a 10 year old daughter from a one night stand. Bio mom is not in the picture.

Katrina is the only mom my niece, Elise, has ever known. She became a stay at home mom when Elise was 2 and they’ve been inseparable since. She wanted to adopt Elise and Elise’s bio mom wanted the adoption to happen but her dad refused.

When Elise was around 4, my brother started using her to control Katrina. If they’d argue or she wouldn’t do what he wanted he’d either hurt Elise or leave with her for weeks/months at a time, telling her she was never going to see Katrina again. Katrina wasn’t able to do anything about it because she didn’t have any rights to Elise.

Katrina finally filed for divorce last year and my brother took Elise again. After a few months cps got involved and Elise was removed from his custody. Elise is temporarily staying with me while Katrina fights for custody.

She refuses to talk about what happens when her dad takes her but she’s terrified of men, including my husband, wakes up screaming, and she even had to spend some time in an inpatient facility. She’s doing intensive outpatient treatment now and is slowly improving. Katrina and I have been in contact and I’ve been letting her visit Elise. These visits are usually 4ish hours at a time, maybe 4 days a week. She makes food for Elise, they lay on the couch and watch her favorite movies, she gets Elise to do some schoolwork. She kind of goes back to being Elise’s mom during these visits.

Extended family has been asking why Elise is staying with me and not her dad. My brother said it’s because he travels a lot for work but I wasn’t going to lie to protect him so I told the truth, he’s an abusive piece of shit that hurt his daughter to control his wife. Then word spread that Katrina gets to visit as much as she and Elise can handle while he isn’t allowed to see his kid.

Now immediate family (parents, grandparents, brother) are mad at me for airing his dirty laundry, spreading rumors, and taking his ex’s side in all of this. AITA?

My (33F) MIL (67F) lives in another country with her husband. We never got along because she always insists on being the one to make the rules and is overall very controlling. She also disliked me from the start for merely existing. We don't see her very often thankfully but whenever we do it's always pretty stressful.

She is visiting now and staying with us. It's been a week. Normally my husband deals with her shit but he's currently travelling for work and won't be back until tonight. Since my husband left she's been HORRIBLE. It's like she's trying to get on my nerves on purpose. I try to keep calm because I know she'll leave in 2 weeks and I won't see her for months again. However, there's been an incident that me and my husband are now fighting about.

My toddler brought a large toy truck to the table. I reminded him 'no toys when we're eating, please put it back in the toy box and you can play with it when you're done eating'. My toddler was compliant but as he was getting off the chair MIL said 'it's ok honey, grandma allows it, your mommy is no fun, isn't she?'. This is not an isolated incident, she's been trying to undermine my parenting ever since my husband left for work (trying to let the kids eat sweets instead of dinner, telling them they can do things I just told them they were not allowed and so on).

I could not take it anymore and said 'let's not forget grandma is but a guest here. Guests don't make the rules, do they? I'm sure grandma knows who this apartment belongs to. And hotels are so expensive in this area'. I admit my tone was mocking and I was referring to the fact that I alone own our home (I inherited it from grandpa). She was red and called me disrespectful but did not escalate it any further.

The same evening my husband is calling me furious, asking how dare I tell his mother she's not welcome here. I told him full story and he was still pissed, claiming I should have handled it better and keep peace. He said he can't even leave for a few days without us getting in a fight in front of the kids. I told him why don't you say that to your mother. I also told him this is the last time I'm allowing her to stay over. She can live in a hotel or not come at all for all I care if she has to act like this. I refuse to feel so uncomfortable in my own home.

I also told him I'm going to my parents' lake house this weekend because the weather is so nice and I want to relax. However, MIL is not welcome to join. He has 3 options: go with us, try to convince the kids to stay home with him and MIL so that I could go alone or I go with the kids and he stays with MIL. He told me it's very rude not to invite MIL. She would love to go to the lake. I said maybe but she's the one I need a break from. He called me a petty asshole. I sure am petty but I don't think I'm the asshole here. Never in my life have I started an argument with MIL first. But just in case, AITA?

I'm 31. I have a full time job at software company and easily make enough to live alone.

I have a two bedroom condo, and my mom lives here too, she's 71 and a stroke patient, cannot walk or do anything for herself. Her retirement income is less than mine. Likewise, I do everything for her. I feed her, bathe her, change her diaper, do her laundry, etc. I take care of both of us entirely. I also have power of attorney and full control over both of our finances and lives in general.

I am so tired of people judging me or scoffing at me because "oh you're 31 and live with your parents?"

I didn't live with her for years. I moved out at 18 and only started living with her again at 29 when she had a stroke because she needed the help. I'm so sick of being judged for "living with my parents" because I don't want to just put her in a home and I'd rather take care of her myself while I still can.

I've (32 M) been married to my wife Jen (32 f) for a little over 7 years now. Up until about two years ago, things were great. However, a disastrous move, a few family emergencies, and a totaled car have left us in a terrible financial situation. All our savings are pretty much gone, 401k's empty, and we're hemorrhaging money.

Before we bought our house 2 years ago, things were amazing financially. We made the mistake of buying a nice 3-bedroom house because we planned on having kids. Those plans, thankfully, got put on the back burner because adding a kid into this mess right now would kill us. It's not really a mystery why things are like this. Jen and I are both underpaid at our jobs, and we moved into a high-cost-of-living area like morons.

Last December, I told Jen one of two things needed to happen: We either sell the house or start making more money. The latter would most definitely mean finding new jobs that would pay us a market rate. Jen pushed back on this because she loved the house and her current job. I told her she had to choose one and couldn't have it both ways and after a week of arguing, she agreed we would look for new jobs.

It's been almost six months now. Last Friday, I signed an offer for a new job. It's over a 35k raise for me. Jen, however, has done nothing. In January, she asked for a raise in the market rate and was very disrespectfully told by her manager that she was not worth that. She was shown the door to leave if she wasn't happy. Jen has taken this as her putting in the effort and done nothing else. Telling me we should wait and see what happens with my job search.

I'm not happy about this, when I came home Friday and told her I got the job, she got pissy because I clarified this does not mean she can stay at her job. We fought again, and I told her that this would mean we only stop hemorrhaging money on the house. We will be able to save only a little and would still not be close to refilling our 401k's. Kids, the whole reason we got this damn house would be entirely off the table.

We haven't talked much since then. yesterday, her parents visited for dinner. Despite my best efforts to keep them out of it, Jen announced my new job to her parents by saying maybe I'll stop "complaining about money" once I start. I don't know why I said it, but I replied with, "Oh, don't worry, Jen. I won't have to worry about money a year from now because we'll be divorced by then." Things got quiet real quick after, and I excused myself. Her parents left shortly after, and she slept on the couch to avoid talking to me.

I've not talked to Jen or her parents since last night. Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.

Update:

Yeah, I messed up. People are rightfully tearing into me for wondering if this marriage didn't end when those words came from my mouth. I went to Jen last night to talk, and she refused to even say a word to me. She ended up locking herself in our bedroom and finally told me to go away. I'm scheduling some consultations with divorce attorneys today.

Some people are asking about car accidents and family emergencies, mostly blaming me for them. The car was neither of our faults. An uninsured driver hit my wife's fully paid-off car. Insurance gave us peanuts. The family emergencies were a handful of things that were just unluckily close to each other. I don't think you can really assign blame to these kinds of things. People will probably say I'm covering my ass or something and still blame me. Whatever. The big fuck up was the house, which I was 50% responsible for.

Before I wrote this post, I probably should have admitted to myself that I spoke my feelings at dinner and got my wish.

I have been dating my boyfriend Logan (25M) for almost a year now and our sex life up until recently used to be great. He's slowly started watching more and more porn to the point where he can't even finish during sex without watching something. Our main position now is him on top with his phone right beside my head so he can watch it to help him finish, at first i didn't have a problem with this but as it's gotten worse i had to tell him it needs to stop.

Keep in mind we've experimented with lots of things to spice things up and I always ask for feedback on what he likes to make him feel better. He tells me everything I do is great he just needs visual stimulus.

I miss that intimacy we used to have during sex and really feeling that connection, now all he does is stare at his screen like a crack addict trying to cum while fucking me. It feels so fake. I told him this needs to stop and I let it go on far too long but he's telling me to stop overthinking and that it's no big deal...

For the past month, my husband (27 M) and I (28 F) have been in a rut. We’ve been arguing about so many trivial things. Last week, he randomly asked me if I liked eating s’mores. I said I don’t care for them and rarely do I ever crave them. He then asked me what I thought of cabins and camping. I told him I don’t care for either to be honest and the only way I would go camping is if it was a glamping experience. He nodded and said noted.

Today he tells me to be ready and dressed by 4 pm because we have a date planned. I put on a cute outfit because all he told me was we have a special date planned. Any other time he’s said that, the date usually involves us going out to a fancy restaurant. So I put on a skirt, some heels, and a top. He sees my outfit, doesn’t say anything. The only thing I noticed that was odd was that he brought his backpack with him. I asked him why, and he said that he just wanted to put his hoodie somewhere in case it got cold later.

We get into the car and 20 minutes into the drive I ask him how far is the restaurant we’re going to. He smiles and says, “about an hour”. I pull up my phone and start responding to some work emails to kill time. And then when we arrived to our destination I honestly got so upset. It was a super tiny trailer in the middle of the West Virginia woods. There was a small picnic table outside and just woods. I ask him what we were doing there and he turns to me and says, “surprise! we’re having a couple’s retreat. Do you like it?” I walk inside the trailer and mind you, my husband knows I am extremely claustrophobic. There is no room inside this trailer. I start panicking because a. I need physical space b. I’m in HEELS AND A SKIRT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS c. HE PACKED PJS, his toothbrush, AND A CHANGE OF CLOTHES BUT DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME ID BE NEEDING ANYTHING FOR THIS DATE.

At that point I just blatantly ask him, “have I ever expressed any interest in camping to you?” He said, “no.” And then I followed up with, “you know how much I hate small spaces, what made you think I’d enjoy this, I just really want to understand?” He didn’t say anything. I told him I appreciated the gesture but I could not for the life of me figure out how he thought planning this in the way he did was going to help get us out of a rut.

This isn’t the first time he’s planned something for me that I hated. And the worst thing, I’ve told him before if I’ve never expressed interest in something to please not gift it to me or plan a date around it. I do a very good job at giving him extremely thoughtful gifts and planning him very thoughtful dates/experiences. And today I told him that it just seems like there isn’t any consideration for me in that regard. Am I the asshole for reacting the way that I did?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Mood Spoiler - very satisfying

1 update - Short

- 17th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

My childhood bully has became my coworker and she's bullying me again

When I(18F) was in fifth grade (age 10-11 for any non-Americans), there was these new twins who moved from the other side of the country to join my class. For some reason, these two kids did everything they could to make my life miserable. I think it's because I was socially unaware and a bit odd as a child, but I'm not sure. The boy twin was this very big kid who would regularly beat me up and the girl twin would humiliate and spread rumors about me. Of course, the teachers never did anything about it.

Luckily, these two went to different middle and high schools, so I wasn't bullied and I had a pleasant time in school after that. Most kids were not happy about going to middle school, but I was excited for them to stop torturing me. However, last month, I got a job at a new grocery store in my neighborhood. However, last week, the girl who bullied me got a job at the same grocery store.

At first, I thought "It's been seven years, she probably changed", but just now a few coworkers asked me "Did you really have sex with the manager so you could get hired here?" I shouted at them "NO!" and asked them where they heard that, and they said "The new girl told us"

I don't want to go through this again. I am genuinely considering switching jobs to get away from her. I feel so lost and helpless.

Comments

thrwaway070879

HR is your friend in these situations. She's making it a hostile work environment. Get a notepad and write down every time with the date and time and what the incident was. Keep a record of it.

If you work at a small store with no HR then go to management but skip management if you have an HR go to HR first.

I'm almost positive your manager doesn't want the reputation of being a sleaze and making 18 year olds sleep with him to get hired. If he's a decent person at least.

OOP: The store doesn't have an HR but I'll talk to my manager when I see him

Idrisdancer

Talk to the manager as this rumour is also being spread about him.

ziekktx

Ooooooooooooooh, that's an excellent point. Management don't want to be involved in a sexual harassment lawsuit, and he will help them protect the company in a heartbeat.

Spicy_Sugary

It could be seen as sexual harassment of both parties. She needs to be fired

justthewayim

Yes, the manager could not only fire her but possibly also sue for defamation. Crazy how this girl got to adulthood thinking real life is like school.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 3 days later

The last few days have been pretty chaotic. First of all, I found out the new girl at my workplace, who was my childhood bully, was spreading another rumor, claiming that my boobs were fake. I took the advice of most of the people in the comments of my post, and sent an email to my manager, telling him about how she made up a rumor claiming that I slept with him to get hired.

He responded, saying that this is a very serious issue and that he wants me to come into work tomorrow to get my side of the story, because my bully had a shift then. The manager came in, looking absolutely furious. My manager spoke with her, me and a few of my coworkers to see what was going on.

After my manager spoke with my bully, I saw her leaving. She came up to me, said "Fuck you, you tattletale slut" and left. I asked my manager what happened with her at the end of my shift. He said "I spoke with her about the bullshit she was spewing.

She tried acting innocent, but everyone I asked said that she was the one who made that shit up. She's fired, we don't have to worry about her anymore." I was kind of hoping that she would throw a temper tantrum, but that didn't happen.

I finally stood up to her, thanks to the advice and words of support from Reddit. I'm pretty sure my past self, the little girl who had her backpack stuffed in a shit-filled toilet on her 11th birthday, would be so proud of me.

Comments

Little_Yesterday_548

Some people never really move past high school

OOP: Even worse, in her case, she bullied me when we were in fifth grade

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

A little about me: I am 30, and my wife is 29. Before we got married (we knew each other for three years), we decided I would be the sole earner, responsible for finances and taxes, while she would be a housewife, taking care of the kids and household duties. We agreed she would never work, and I wouldn't ask her to either.

In the first two years of our marriage, we didn't have kids. I worked from 8 am-6 pm. Sometimes she'd wake up and make me breakfast, sometimes she wouldn't. I didn't mind because we were early in our marriage. On days she made breakfast, she would also pack me lunch. On days she didn’t wake up early, I would eat both breakfast and lunch at work. She would wake up around 12-2 pm, do household chores, and wait for me to come home. We would have dinner together and spend time going out for movies, dinners, or visiting friends, at least twice a week.

This year, we had a baby. I took one month of leave to help her, which is the maximum my job allows. State leave was an option, because the subsidized pay wouldn't cover our bills. After my leave, her parents stayed with us for two months, helping with the baby. I supported all the household bills during this time. After they left, our baby was three months old, and this is when issues began. My wife was used to her previous routine of waking up late and now found it difficult to manage caring for the baby and household chores.

I offered to help by cleaning the first floor of our house and putting our baby to bed several times a week, despite working from 8 am to 6 pm, handling all immigration paperwork, taxes, bills, and grocery shopping (since she doesn’t drive). However, every day I come home, she seems angry or upset, often taking it out on me. Sometimes it's about the baby, sometimes it's about me not helping enough around the house.

Today, we had an argument where I asked why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities. I acknowledged that she had an easier life in the first two years of our marriage because she didn’t work, but reminded her that we had planned for this baby and understood it would require more work. We had agreed she would be the primary caretaker and housewife, but now, she would not stop complaining and we can't stop having fights.

Am I the asshole for asking her to fulfill her share of the household responsibilities?

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in .

Mood Spoiler: bittersweet

Original : May 16, 2024

My grandparents passed away recently. I followed the guidelines my grandma set up for her final event. Her Church, her burial plot, her casket and the same for my grandpa. I just didn't expect for it to be a joint funeral. I sent out the notifications to friends of theirs and family after the date was set in stone. Their friends all came, so did most of my grandma's church but no family showed up. I wasn't surprised, I hadn't seen most of them in about 4 years.

I had a great time with my grandparents friends and then I went back home and cried my heart out. I had been their sole caregiver and I didn't know what to do without them. I had taken care of them for 15 years. It started with little things like lifting heavy things and escalated to needing to change the bed twice a night sometimes. I was empty and started to scroll through my grandpa's facebook to see pictures he posted before his memory went..

I found a group, started about 3 years ago that was being flooded with activity. When I went poking around I found out it was my mother who was hosting a funeral at her church and was 'trying to get final expenses taken care of.' I was stunned. Here was the woman I hadn't spoken to since throwing her out of the house for stealing jewelry and upsetting grandma terribly by using her Alzheimer's against her. 'How could you forget my birthday! You promised to give me this!'

I went to the funeral my mother had planned and listened to the pastor and then my mother got up to talk. She told everyone how hard it was taking care of them and something inside me roared to life. I don't remember everything I said, but it did include that she didn't pay for anything for them, not their caskets, not their burial plots, not their cremation, nothing. I told everyone I put them to rest at the funeral grandma planned herself 4 days prior. I said she'd never paid for any of their care or even seen them for 4 years.

I was asked to leave and drove home. Later, a cousin asked me if what I said was true and when I said it was and I could provide proof, they explained my mother had been taking funds from the family for years to pay for their care at a facility because they had outlived their insurance policy. They also explained I got a lot of people in trouble because somewhere in the speech I shouted I had done it all alone for years without any help. A lot of family members used my grandparents as an excuse to get out of work and had invited their coworkers to the funeral. By hearing my outburst they were now in trouble for lying as for the reasons to leave work or miss days.

She then went on to ask me about the inheritance and when that would be passed out. I told her that if anyone had earned the inheritance it had already been taken care of. I thought I was in the right, but now I'm doubting myself after so many cousins and family members are calling to tell me I handled it really poorly.

AITA? Did I handle this badly? Everyone's telling me I did.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: How are they holding a funeral without a body?

Has your mother been grifting your relatives? How will those people get fired? They attended a funeral, if not the right one. Someone did die. Just give them a copy of the death certificate.

OOP: There was no casket at her funeral, just a pair of pictures up at the front. I'm still confused on it myself why she was taking money for caskets when there wasn't one present at the funeral itself. The only signs of my grandparents at their own funeral were the two pictures up at the front, under the podium and a few posters of pictures from family members from 20-ish years ago or more.

The reason my family members might get fired is they were claiming they were caring for my grandparents when they took their time off. From what I have gathered so far, that counted as FMLA. (Editor's note: FMLA paperwork: optional-use forms which can be used by employers to provide required notices to employees, and by employees to provide certification of their need for leave for an FMLA qualifying reason.) Employees who provide false or fraudulent information to utilize FMLA leave are breaking the law. I think that's what they were doing but I'm not sure because then they would have had to fill out FMLA paperwork and I'm not sure they all knew what they were doing.

Commenter: NTA. You told the truth. The truth exposed your mother's hypocrisy and how she was scamming the family for money. It also exposed the scams of those who were pretending to care. The term for this is "poetic justice", and it was overdue.

OOP: I'm still trying to figure out why they would lie about coming to help and not even bother to pick up the phone to call and check in with them. It makes no sense why they would use that as an excuse to me, what did they have to gain? A free day? They have dozens of other people they could have used but they fixated on using my grandparents.

Commenter: I think you are worn down from the last 15 years of unremitting caregiving compounded by sudden loss of both grandparents. Kudos for doing so very much.

Increase your home security. Stop engaging with toxic family; don’t even read that stuff. Take a break. Take a vacation and squish your feet in sand and get a massage. And breathe. You deserve it.

OOP: I've gotten more calls on the land line in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 6 years put together. It's hard to ignore because I've got to keep it open for different insurances, grandma and grandpa's friends who are trying to check on me and the company calls that are either clients expressing their condolences or just the day to day company calls. I just feel numb and lost without them both here.

Commenter: This sounds really hard. Is there a friend you can get to help you? Maybe they could screen your calls? Or an employee of the business you can get to handle business calls for a bit? 

OOP: One of my grandma's friends kept me company a few hours and handled the phone calls. She just took off and told me Insurance companies won't phone me until maybe 6am if they're rude, the company calls would go to the main line first and they had options before the extension would boot them to the landline. She told me to just unplug the phone. I didn't even realize she was here for as long as she was. I didn't unplug it but I did manage to mute everything. I'm going to sleep and try to deal with it in the morning.

My family isn't even close enough to me to have my personal cell number I realized and some of them are getting routed to the landline by calling the business first so I'm wondering if they even had the landline's number in the first place.

Commenter: Sorry for your loss, however you did good. Rest assured on that. Hopefully your grandparents had wills made out and we're as up to date as possible. Get probate lawyer ASAP so this is sorted out.

However get ready for sharks to invade their home, so don't let anyone in sort the house, the wills and everything otherwise this may be war.

OOP: No one can enter the house or the other properties, at least not legally. I've legally owned them for just over 10 years. I had to pay the Capitol gains taxes on them the first year but my grandpa made sure I had everything when my grandma's diagnosis hit us. I'm really grateful for his foresight. The only thing I need to deal with the legal aspect is the life insurance policy payouts.

Commenter: NTA. I'm honestly not entirely sure how you could have handled that better without being ignored. Your family members created these situations for themselves and now must deal with the consequences. I mean most if not all of them came to their actual funerals!

You handled everything both for their care over the last 15 years and in their passing. And that's probably been very hard for you, especially if you don't have any support yourself (I hope you do). Be kinder to yourself, you're grieving and will need some time to heal.

OOP: None of the family members came to the funeral. Some of them I've excused in my head because of my mom's actions. She sent out messages to everyone the location had changed due to issues with the size of the location. Grandma had picked out the location for her funeral, the same place she used to teach sewing lessons and run childcare teaching events. She loved that location, it was attached to her church.

She didn't care what your question was, she'd answer it and help you to solve it. Didn't know how to fix the seam of your jeans? She could help. Didn't know how to stop your baby from crying all night? She'd know. She ran a lot of services for her community that still stand strong today. One of which is the Early Day's program at her church. Members sign up to visit new parents, do laundry, vacuum, dust, do dishes, cook a meal, watch the baby if the parents need to sleep. I'm so proud of her for the impact on her community she left.

Commenter: My condolences on the loss of your grandparents. Your grandmother sounds like an incredible woman, and I think she would be proud of you now. 🤍

OOP: She was absolutely incredible. I have her pots and pans, knives and bowls. Grandpa made most of them for her himself. I know all her recipes. She and I wrote her cookbook for her community at her Church and with the Red Hatters. I've got all of her hats. Her amazing hats with huge feathers, heaps of lace and fake flowers. I had tons of costume jewelry she loved more than her real jewelry. I'm more connected to these 20c or 20 dollar pieces than her diamond, opals, pearls or anything else in her collection.

I miss her so much and her whole community misses her and grandpa. All I want is to step back in time 10 years ago when grandpa arranged fish for a friend days or grandma arranged for us to make flower pens. There would be a group of us just sitting and wrapping fake flower stems to cheap pens with green floral tape.

Commenter: Make sure you aren’t opening yourself for a counter narrative that you intentionally isolated them from the rest of the family for profit. I’m not accusing you but someone might.

OOP: They have, it's going to be a fight for the insurance policies. I'm prepared for it because grandpa prepared me but it still feels wrong. I don't want money, I want them. I want them 10 years ago when they remembered who I was all the time, would watch tv drama's with me and remember all of the details. It feels like I lost them twice, once to their illness and then again when they finally left. I lived for those brief moments of clarity where they knew who I was.

One last thought from OOP:

My grandpa would have been embarrassed by it I think. He never liked attention being focused on him. Grandma would have given them all a piece of her mind, then she would have told me that yelling wasn't ladylike and I needed to stay calm. Bad people hate calm voices and level heads. One of her favorite sayings.

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): May 17, 2024 (Next Day)

Update: Thank you all. I felt I was the asshole because of how badly I reacted at the memorial service my mother held. It was very far out of character for me. I am usually very quiet and I don't talk too often, much like my grandpa. I screamed at them, I cried, I waved my arms and made an absolute spectacle of my grief. I feel so embarrassed by how I argued and carried on. Several family members are asking questions and seem genuinely bewildered by the circumstances.

This happened on Sunday and it's Friday now, I am still feeling as lost as I did at first. One of my uncle's did lose his job, that was confirmed earlier. He had multiple schemes going on at his workplace with a need for a medical lift bed for grandma and got his coworkers to donate around 8k in total. The gossip queens that attended the funeral told everyone Monday morning and by Monday afternoon he was in trouble with HR. This wasn't the only way he tried to earn funds, there are at least two others I know about from his son.

His son, my cousin, is furious with his dad and my mom. He and several other cousins of mine are suing my mother for taking funds from them. They thought they were helping pay for 24 hour care at an assisted living facilities. Every month my mother was collecting between 2,000 and 9,000 from family members. She would lament to them how hard and soul crushing it was to see such strong people just staring vacantly off into space, how they were unresponsive but this wasn't true.

My cousins apologized for not reaching out to me, but I'm not very close with anyone in my family. Some of you guessed it in the DM's but yeah, I was an affair baby. I came out 'wrong' and my mother's husband divorced her over it. The people I was closest to growing up were my grandparents. It's bad enough that some of the cousins forgot I was a family member at all. It's a huge mess, they're apologizing but I just don't want anything to do with them.

Grandpa's business is not worth millions, but it pays the bills. It's a handyman company. My family is asking about the company, how everything is going there and I'm putting up a stony face. It's not the family business, it's mine and it has been for years. All of the employees respect me because I treat them the same way grandpa did. I do still mess up some things that they tease me for. It's a very friendly place to work.

One of grandpa's properties is just a fenced in yard with covered storage for the different projects. It's right next to the business property and is just where we work on remodeling old RV's or turning vans into RV's. We have a few friends parked there too but it's just a dirt lot with gravel, a fence and a cover. There are some security cameras there and so far no issues.

I thought I would give an overall update and just thank you all for the support. I've felt so lost and I really did think I was TA for exposing them. Jobs are important and hard to come by out here and it's not just going to affect them. It's going to affect their partners, their children and even their pets. I feel most guilty about who else exposing them affected. Thank you, I really didn't expect this to blow up like it did. I'm going to keep reading and responding to comments. Thank you all again, this has been so incredible. I was never 'supposed' to be angry about anything, but seeing all the comments cussing out my family has been more cathartic than I can express. Thank you.

Relevant Comment:

I keep picturing if I had done it her way [grandma] and kept my focus instead of losing my mind and screaming. If I had just stood up and followed the 3 C's - Cool, Calm and Collected. I didn't follow what grandma taught me at all. I just popped and cried out. When my mother was talking it really felt like her words stabbed into me.

One Uncle was terminated because his nosy coworkers spread it through everyone like wildfire. I think he was planning on quitting but now there's some stuff going on with him. I'm not sure because his wife and him just call to scream at me using the company line to do it and their son said to just ignore them.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Mood Spoiler: positive ending for OOP

Original : April 13, 2024

So I had a baby some weeks ago with my partner to whom I'm not married.

We've been together a while, and I've given many compromises in this relationship. While discussing baby's name, we had a few disagreements on names but ultimately decided on a name we both liked well enough. The surname was a sticking point: he wanted the baby to have his name alone. I offered to hyphenate b/c logistically it's easier for the baby to have both of our names. He's been drinking the red pill cool aid lately - a large bone of contention in this relationship - and went off about how it's 'tradition' and 'the right thing to to' and 'his right as a man' to have the baby have his surname. He told me I'd be emasculating him and may as well be a single parent if I won't grant him this one little ask. 'My word is final - baby's having one surname'. This was late in my pregnancy and I didn't have it in to fight, so I told him that I understood what he was saying.

FF to 3 weeks ago when baby's birth certificate came. He blew a gasket when he saw that I'd given the baby my surname. He rehashed the conversation above, saying I agreed to giving baby his surname. This is where I might be TA. I did nothing of the sort. I told him I understood him, which I did - but I never said I agreed with him. I told him there was no way I was doing all the work of making a baby for him to stick his name on it. When we bought up tradition, I told him it's also traditional for him to marry me before having a baby but he was happy to ignore that, I told him it was traditional for him to be the provider but I do that too - and I pointed out other holes in his logic. I told him trying to bully me into submission with his red pill bs when I was exhausted from pregnancy didn't work. He should have known better than to expect me to not share a surname with my child. He said the baby should only have one surname - they do. So why's he mad?

He went crying to his brothers and mother - all 'traditionalists' and misogynists - and now they're all up in arms.

AITA?

ETA

There seems to be some confusion - we are not married or engaged. I don't believe in it, and he's never seen the point of 'bring the state into your relationship', so we agreed to never marry.

He's on the birth certificate as the father - baby just has my last name but father is listed.

Thanks for your feedback. I'll be asking him to come for a talk so I can plainly address the issues you guys have helped me see. Thank you for that.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. You told the truth and nothing more. If I read your post correctly, you agreed the baby would have one surname. You didn't agree to which one.

So, why are you still with this guy? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't provide for you and the baby? Please don't say because you need him or love him. (editor's note- this was a longer comment but I included the parts OOP responded to)

OOP: I am reconsidering the relationship.

The truth is he wasn't always like this. He fell on hard times and unfortunately chose to cope with that in an unhealthy way. At his core, I believe he is of good but I need to have a frank conversation about the ideologies he's leaning into and the harm it's causing in our relationship.

(to another commenter asking why she is with him): I hate that I sound like every enabler - and perhaps I need to do some introspection to see if that's what I've become - but he wasn't always like this. Life's been hard for him lately and his coping strategies have led us here. I need to have a frank chat with him about how it's affecting us.

Commenter: Was he not there when you were filling out the forms? Cause that's pretty telling too 👀

NTA. What to name the baby is definitely a valid conversation to have, but he wasn't having a conversation with you. He was trying to bulldoze you without compromise.

OOP: I registered the baby on my own. He was there for the birth and everything but his paternity leave was pretty short so the admin of registering fell on me.

Commenter: NTA and PLEASE do not relent and change the baby’s name!! I just had a baby in August and shit’s tiring. Congrats on your new addition and my condolences you have to spend 18 years dealing with this family though.

OOP: I am beyond in love with my tiny human. I hope you're doing well too with yours!

Should this spell the end, I'm lucky to have my village and the means to minimise the suckiness of breaks ups.

There's no world in which any child I birth will not share a surname with me. My compromise of a double barrelled surname stands - no other offer is on the table.

Commenter: INFO: why are you still in contact with all those people that do nothing for you? Seem you would lose a lot of strees, anxiety and financial hardships just cutting this person loose.

OOP: which people, sorry? baby's dad and his family?

he stormed out on thursday night - friday morning his mother sent me a voice note berating me ha. i've since received messages from his family criticising me for my decision, but no word from my partner. i have not responded to any of them, so it's one way comms atm.

OOP's life:

I'm very fortunate to be in a position where I don't need anything from him. I'm financially secure, I have a good job and a good support system. I don't need his financial backing to raise this child.

I've texted him asking him to come home so we can talk. I'm thinking of having a mediator/neutral party there to avoid things getting out of hand.

OOP is voted NTA

Update : May 17, 2024 (1 month later)

so it turns out he’s got deep-seated resentment for me lol. 

he resents me for:

• earning more money than him 

• being further in my career than he is 

• not losing my job during covid like he did 

• having parents who love and support me 

• not being a submissive woman (lol)

• having a present and loving father 

• not combining our finances (under his control) thus making him feel small 

on the brighter side, i’m 12 weeks post partum and already 75kg lighter! 

so when i last came here, i said i’d asked him to come home and discuss our future with baby, preferably in the presence of a neutral party. he left me on read for a few days though i could see he was spying on us through the ring door bell and baby’s monitor. i disconnected them both and he finally responded 🫠

he came home, still irate. his stance still hadn’t changed, he seemed to have been bolstered by the days he spent with him family. he rejected my request for us to do this in the presence of a couple’s therapist - the best neutral compromise i could offer. i asked him how he proposed we move forward, then and he went on a rant where the above came out. it was a full mask off moment - if there was any part of me that wanted you guys to be wrong about him, it died that day. 

he again rejected the offer to hyphenate baby’s surname. apparently i’m ‘disrespectful’ and ‘insolent’ - funny enough his mother’s fave words to scold people she disagrees with - for refusing to ‘do what’s right’ and give baby their ‘rightful’ surname. i told him i won’t go through the administrative nightmare of having a different surname to my child, and lots of data shows a double barrelled surname is social currency that has positive connotations. nope - he wouldn’t budge. i told him neither would i - baby either has both our surnames or mine alone.  

he asked if this was a hill i wanted this relationship to die on, if i was prepared to throw half a decade down the drain over my ‘silly little feminism’. i told him i wasn’t sure there was anything left to fight for. we broke up. thankfully, our - in his name - lease expires end of may. i called my dad and he came to help me back up baby. ex went back to his mum’s while we packed.

i messaged him to suggest we still need couple’s counselling: we need to learn to be co-parents and they can help us establish a healthy way of doing that. he again said no to that so

my mum wanted to take me and baby on a baby moon holiday after this stressful period but he would grant permission for me to take baby abroad :)))))))))))) it was at that moment i wished i didn’t have him on the birth certificate like some of yall accused me of. 

it’s going to be a long road ahead. i’ve instructed a lawyer to help us set up a formal agreement to avoid this in the future. he’s not responding to correspondance from the lawyer so that’s fun. he’s sulking - used to do this a lot when things didn’t go his way. i hope he’ll soon realise i no longer have time for his bs and i won’t be toyed with because i called his bluff and ended the relationship

to end on a bright note, he house i wanted us to buy a couple of years ago  - which he talked me out of until he was back on his feet again despite us being able to afford it on my salary alone - is back on the market! i took it as fate: it’s time to move on from this man! it’s a beautiful Victorian terrace near good schools, good transport links, a small garden and close to my parents. it’d be the perfect home for baby and i. i put in an offer last night - wish me luck! it’s in a chain so if my offer’s accepted it won’t be ours for months, but my parents have allowed baby and i to move in to their granny annex for free - my village!!!

Relevant Comments (taken from the update post on OOP's page and AITA)

Commenter: He sounds like a horrible person, and he'll probably pass down his horrible ideologies of women and relationship to your child, but hey, i don't know you or him no offense and that relationship, but is co parenting even worth it😭

OOP: i mean he's not asked to see the baby since we broke up so tbh i don't think i'll have to do much co-parenting with him

Commenter: Unless there's an actual custody order in place, you don't need permission to take that baby anywhere.

OOP: i wish that were true. in my country, you need permission from both parents to take a child out of the country.

Commenter: I would go on your baby moon holiday with your mom

OOP: definitely planning on it! i have 18 months of leave and i'd planned on doing a few trips. he's presented a bump but i'm sure we'll overcome it and take baby to new places!

Using a theowaway for obvious reasons. Just a quick background info: My wife (Heather - 36F) and I (35F) have been together for the past 14 years, and married for 10. We have two daughters ( 4 and 6 years old) together.

Heather is a doctor and she works ridiculously long hours, gets tired, etc. Yesterday she came back home after being away all day (she was on call and needed to go in for an emergency surgery), and told me she was going to sleep for a couple of hours and asked me to wake her up by dinner so she could see the girls and I a bit.

She slept around 5 PM. I tried to wake her at 7 PM. I called for her, softly shook her, gave her a kiss on the cheek but she didn't get up. (She is a very light sleeper ans these things wake her up 90% of the time). I thought she needed the rest and let her sleep. Heather slept until the next morning which is when she needed to go to work.

Heather was very upset the following morning saying I should have woken her up, and that I had caused her to miss an entire day of family time. I explained that she didn't get up and she said I just should have tried harder to wake her.

I get that she wants to be present in our family (and she is) and she wants out kids to see both their moms but I just wanted to let her get some much needed sleep to help her be well rested for the next day. Was I genuinely the AH?

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH for leaving my fiancee after I learned there were strippers at her bachelorette party?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity

  May 16, 2024

What the title reads basically. I(29M) and my ex-fiancee(29F) were together for 5 years. We should have been married now in the normal conditions but I broke up with her and cancelled the wedding 2 days before it because they invited male strippers to bachelorette party. I am personally not a fan of these parties but reluctantly agreed after both groom & bride side confirmed we would keep it simple. I told my ex-fiancee I am not comfortable with strippers or other kind of crazy things. She agreed. I also told my friends if they were to do a stupid thing without me knowing, we would have problems.

We stayed at my friends' summer house and chilled there by the pool, did some wow raids and played board games. My ex-fiancee and her friends went to a restaurant then rented an airbnb. There was no problem during the night and next day I asked how things went. She and her close friends said it was really chill and good. We returned to the city centre after that. I encountered another bridesmaid that day when I was shopping for a bracelet for my ex-fiancee for her upcoming birthday. I asked that girl how's everything as we were in the same department at the college but rarely talk now. She is closer with my fiancee than me. She said it's going good and last night was crazy with all the strippers. After saying that she looked uncomfortable. I asked her about the details but she was not willing to tell much. I think she realized she should not have talked about it. I laughed, said goodbye and left.

I confronted my fiancee and she seemed surprised about it. She was denying it first, then told me nothing crazy happened and one of the bridesmaids invited strippers. I reminded her that it was a strict boundary for me. I asked about the details but she said there was nothing much with strippers just solo dances and that's it. I told her I need some time to think. Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated). Things happened after that but in the end I decided to break up and cancel the wedding. I lost some money since it was only 2 days before the wedding. Things are not cool right now. My head is messed up, I get criticism from everyone and no idea about what to do. My sister told me to see a therapist to process my thoughts and feelings. That is what I'll do next. Some mutuals suggested me that I should reconsider things and stop being so whiny about such a small thing. I do not think it's such a small thing especially when they all tried to hide it from me.

AITAH here?

ADDITIONAL INFO

OOP

Everyone is telling different things. One person says it was crazy, my ex says it was just solo dance, another person says it was different. I do not know whom to believe to be honest and that's one of the reasons I lost trust here. Apparently, the stripper was naked and that even alone is a dealbreaker for me.There is no way for me to know what happened that night and why she did not even bother with calling me or telling me about it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

INFO: I get your boundaries were completely stomped on, but before I can give a judgement, I need a bit more info.

Did gf know ahead of time, or was she ambushed once drunk and away from home? How far from home was she? What would you have done if she’d called you tearfully and told you her friends had gone behind her back to organise strippers, but she was too drunk / didn’t have a vehicle to drive to leave?

ETA: how has she been with these friends since?

OOP

We were about 30-40 mins away from each other. If she called me, I would have gone to take her. If my friends invited a stripper without my knowledge(we both agreed it's unacceptable), I would call her and let her know. If available, would leave the place if not would probably take an Uber or have her pick me up.

She is not doing well with her friends. It's chaos.

  May 17, 2024

I read most of the comments in the original post and thank you for the advice. My problem was that not her being blindsided by her friends but lying. Every bridesmaid told different things and none of them gave details about what happened. I believe you can understand it just shatters the trust and makes you think there is something going on.

I thought there was something wrong with me after reading the comments. There were a lot of YTAs and I thought I should apologize. One of the bridesmaid  reached out to me last evening. I suspect she saw the post somewhere and recognized it. I knew my fiancee was having problems with her friends since last week but I did not know the extent. Apparently, my ex-fiancee and her close friends blamed the girl that I encountered at mall about everything. This divided the group and led into a verbal fight. I will skip the personal details here but in the end she told me my ex-fiancee and other bridesmaids got sexual with the strippers. My fiancee was the only one who had boyfriend/fiancee/spouse(at least monogamously) there to my knowledge. Also, I was told by her that my ex-fiancee was not blindsided with stripper invites. She was happy to see the strippers and was relieved she had an excuse. I do not have proof for all of these but I got a short video of girls making out with strippers. One of the girls is my ex-fiancee and that's enough.

She has been trying to reach out to me since we broke up. I confronted her again. At first, she denied it again then it became we just touched, then okay we kissed too, okay I gave him a handjob, finally I was coerced into doing these by others as I pressed on. I just blocked her after the last part. I did not see any need to learn further. I was hurt already but learning that I got cheated on hurt more. I am not sure if it's the full truth even now. I will never know but all I can say is it hurts. I will go to a therapist to not carry my luggage to my next relationship. I lost 15K from the wedding related things and need to focus on filling the hole for a while.

Some misogynists made weird comments about women and I'll just ignore them. Some of the people told me I am an insecure, unfunny nerd for playing WoW on my bachelor party. Isn't the whole point of bachelor parties having "one last fun". It was raiding non-stop with the boys for me, not having one last sexual interaction with a stranger or having a stranger's butt on my face or penis. I will not miss on out these during marriage anyways(omitting the stranger part).

That's it. It's therapy time tomorrow and thank you for the help.

TL;DR: Bitter truth was revealed bit by bit. Ex-fiancee had sexual interaction with a stripper.  It's therapy time.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 17th May 2024

- 18th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

Am I wrong for making my fiancé drop her friends before our wedding or else I wouldn’t marry her

I, a 24 year old woman and my fiancé 24F have been planning our wedding for 2 years. Her friends never liked me in fact they have “pranked” me by stealing my car for 3 days leading me to call the police and filling it with packing peanuts and dropping it off outside mine and my fiancé’s apartment.

Today my fiancé was talking about her friends and I said what about them. She told me they are planning something for the wedding that we will love but they won’t tell us what it is. Knowing them it’s insane and will ruin the whole day. I told her to tell them not to but she said they won’t budge. I said they are uninvited then because we can’t have that stress on our wedding.

My fiancé told me that she wasn’t going to uninvite them because whatever it is will be fine and that I’m over dramatic. We got into a fight and I ended up saying “If you don’t drop them as friends we can call off the wedding because im not marrying someone who associates themselves with the kind of people who steal cars for “pranks”.

She said I was being unreasonable and that she has known them since middle school. I said I didn’t care and that it’s either them or me and I stormed out. I have been living in my parents house and they think I’m being unreasonable so please tell me am I wrong for telling my fiancé to choose her friends or me?

Comments

FapplePus

She already chose

Grimwohl

This is it, OP. You are fighting a battle thats already lost.

Update - 1 day later

UPDATE: So, I talked to my fiancée. For the sake of time let’s call her M. I met M for coffee so that we could talk. This happened a few hours ago and honestly I don’t know what to do or where I stand. We met up around 9AM. I arrived about 20 minuets before she did. She sat down and we talked. About an hour went by. I told her that I felt hurt that she has prioritised her friends over me.

Especially before our wedding. I told her about the car theft “prank” and how it affected me mentally and regarding my job when I was forced to be late because of this. I have brought this up before and her face looked as if she was bored. I told her this really affected me and I don’t appreciate her not taking me seriously. She rolled her eyes and told me I was being melodramatic and that her friends are more supportive than I will ever be and that is why she doesn’t prioritise me.

I told her I have supported her when she lost her job, when she was kicked out by her parents, when her phone, keys and wallet were stolen by her own sister and so many other times. She brushed me off saying that I shouldn’t be listing these off as if she owed me. I never meant to do that and I apologised and expressed I just want her to be there for me.

She said “I am. Always. You’re not who I thought you were asking me to do everything for you like you’re useless. Honestly, it’s pathetic”. I finally snapped and told her “You are a vile person. Cancel the venue. You don’t deserve a wedding after everything you have done and condoned. Goodbye M”. I walked out and called her telling her I would be back in the morning to grab my things and the ring. What do I do now? I feel lost.

Edit: I have seen your comments and once I am in a good place and settled I will give a final update. Thank you for the support. I appreciate all of you.

Comments

JeanPolleketje

OMG, you really dodged a bullet there, mate. Go NC and start your healing journey. Take at least 1 friend with you when picking up your stuff.

Update - 1 day later

UPDATE 2: So, I went back to get my stuff from mine and M’s old house. I had a policeman come with me just in case anything happened. I am so lucky I did that because the whole place was trashed. My stuff was everywhere.

What was once my home was now unrecognisable. The living room TV was smashed. Everything from the kitchen had been thrown into the floor and half of my things were missing. I tried to gather everything I could and leave but when I was going to the car there was spray paint on the side saying “F*ck you”.

I saw M’s car drive away. I filed a police report and am now trying to move on with my life and enjoy being my own person with my friends and family. Thank you everyone for your advice I have no idea what would have happened if I didn’t post this originally. Thank you all.

Comments

2geeks

Damn. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience this. I hope you can get sorted soon and move on from this in a healthy way. I would consider speaking with a counsellor about what you have experienced during this relationship, as it seems they were very toxic for quite some time.

You deserve far better, and I’m sure you will find it when you’re ready to. Take care

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AIW - To make my husband change his gym.

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: Accusations of infidelity

  May 2, 2024

I (38F) had a fight with my husband (41M) last week when I asked him to change his gym. He says it's not fair to him, but I told him it was important to me, and he agreed. As a week has passed, I am not sure if I did the right thing and want to get neutral opinion on this matter.

We have been married for 12 years and have two wonderful kids. My husband and I were into fitness when we got married. However, life and kids happened, and we slowly stopped going to gym and gained weight. Two years ago, my husband just woke up one day and told me he wants to start going to the gym again. He is very disciplined, and not only did he lose all the excess weight, but also started gaining a ton of muscles. As if the gym was not enough, he started doing CrossFit six months ago.

His goes to CrossFit four times a week. He goes there early morning and is generally back before the kids are up. He made a lot of friends there and has generally been in a very happy mood. I won't lie but he looks amazing, and I can't believe he still gives me butterflies, even after 12 years of marriage.

Two weeks ago, my husband decided to invite all his CrossFit friends for a barbeque at our house as the weather was getting nicer. He had around 9 friends come over and it was my first time meeting this group of friends. I was mostly in kitchen working on prep while he was grilling outside. Out of his friends group, there were 5 girls and 4 guys, all in amazing shape. Three of the girls joined me in the kitchen to help me and we were having a conversation. They were giving me all the hot tea about each of the guests in the backyard. From what I gathered, all the people in the group were between the ages 35 to 40 and all of them were single. One of the guys was married and the other three were single.

I was asking them about their relationship status and learned that many of the girls in the group had slept with one or more guys that were here. The three girls who were with me in the kitchen told me that they were all divorced and are not really interested in marriage or long-term relationship anymore. They commented on how guys at CrossFit are hot, and discussing about how each of them was in bed (funny stories), etc.

One of the girls asked me how I met my husband. They mostly wanted to know who approached who (I chased him) as they were all commenting on how shy my husband is. One of them let it slip that he is completely oblivious when someone flirts with him. I asked it and learned that the two girls standing outside had at times tried to be very flirty with him as a fun competition to see when he will notice it. They all said that it was just a prank and complimented me on how awesome and loyal my husband is.

At the end of the night, I was talking to my husband and told him about my conversation with the girls. He told me that these people are bonkers, but they are fun to hang out with at the gym. I asked him about if the two girls were really flirting with him. He said he did not initially notice but then it became too obvious, and he thought that if he does not react, then they will stop and move on to the next "victim".

This all made me feel very uneasy. It may be my insecurities about my own body, but I do not want these girls with amazing bodies flirting with my husband. I know he will never reciprocate, but I just don't think they are a good idea. I talked about this with him and he me that all he cares about is getting a good workout. We had a fight when I told him to either stop being friends with these "horny" single people or change the gym. He did not take it well and started resisting it. I eventually told him this is my red line and I do not want him to hang out with girls who are single and ready to pounce on anyone with a hot body. We had a big fight, but eventually he told me he will change the gym at the month end, as it would be super awkward to go to this gym and suddenly stop interacting with people.

As I have calmed down, I feel bad to make him do something that he might resent me for. Hence, I wanted an objective opinion. Am I wrong to make my husband stop hanging out with these girls when I know for a fact that my husband will never be disloyal to me? I know it's my insecurities, but I just don't feel comfortable to have him around half naked beautiful girls who would be ogling him and flirting with him as a game (even after knowing he has a wife and two kids).

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Specialist-Avocado36

Im going to be completely honest with you As someone who has been doing CF since 2009 and have coached (at multiple gyms) since 2013 I can tell you CF is a hotbed for cheating and I’ve seen what your describing more times than I can count. I’ve seen literally dozens of marriages break up when one person buys into CF (as it is as much a social aspect as a working out aspect) and the other spouse is left behind. I myself met my now wife at a CF. So while Many on here may tell you your overreacting or your wrong (and im not saying your are not wrong to some degree) they may not fully understand the manner in which many CFs tend to function. and theyll say any gym is like that. but they are wrong. Most gyms do not have the social community aspect of CF. so yes i would be wary

OOP

I don't think I communicated it well in post, but this is what I felt. People were so nonchalant about sleeping around. I trust my husband but I also did not like his friends and the way they were talking about hooking up. As a married woman, I would immediately run if I find myself in such a group. It never even occurred to them that they are telling me about other girls flirting with my husband and that something was wrong with it.

~

AcrobaticMechanic265

If your husband is gonna cheat, he doesnt need a gym. Yes you are wrong.

OOP

I don't think my husband will cheat, I trust him completely. But, I did not like his friends and the hookup culture in his group. That is the reason why I feel it was inappropriate for him to hang out with them.

I trust myself to never cheat too. However I also do not go alone to nightclubs on saturdays with my girl friends. I just don't associate with people like that after I met my husband and I expect my husband to also have wholesome friends.

  May 17, 2024

I posted on this forum two weeks ago and was dragged by this subreddit for being insecure about my husband going to an crossfit gym, where he had friends with questionable morals. His friends told me about the hookup culture in the gym and how my husband is really loyal despite two women constantly hitting on him in the gym.

Although I did not agree with many of you, I still decided to swallow my pride and talked to my husband about my behavior and apologize.

I had already made him quit the gym and he was going to quit in a month because that month was already paid for. The night of the post, I talked to him and told him about the post. He immediately read the post and was laughing hysterically at some of the comments. He told me that my question was wrong, and he does not care if I am insecure or not. He told me that my mental peace is more important to him than his new friends and he is still planning to quit the gym. I think reading about how I felt about what his friends told me put my thoughts into perspective. He said initially felt offended that I was questioning his loyalty and got angry at me. However, he understood my perspective on why I do not want him to be friends with those people. He said he still might hang out with them in social settings but will not meeting them regularly.

He told his friends about his decisions and lied to them that the schedule was not working out for him. Everyone was disappointed and tried to get him to continue. Many of the people guessed that I may be the reason for his sudden schedule conflicts and the women told him that they only said good things about him to me.

One of the married guys who had come to our house was talking to my husband few days ago. He was asking him if I made him quit. My husband said no, but he kept on pressing and said that my husband was stupid to call Melissa (one of the girls hitting on him) to our house. He said he found my husband's audacity crazy that I invited Melissa to our place. My husband said he knew she was a little flirty with him, but a good buddy. This guy then tells my husband that he does not need to pretend with him, and he knew that my husband was sleeping with her. He told him he has seen how she looks at him and her body language and could tell. My husband called him crazy and seems like Melissa told some of the people in the gym that something was going on between them and he is off-limits for others.

My husband denied that and asked this guy if he knew that so many people in the group were hooking up. He said that is how CrossFit gyms work, and he also had slept with a few women in the group. He said he was trying to get with Melissa and that is when she told him that she is currently with my husband.  What a jerk!!!

My husband was laughing when telling the story and told me that he has heard that Melissa has spread rumors about him and he is glad to quit the gym. He said he told me about that guy's conversation because he does not want me to hear anything negative about him from someone at the gym who may have heard such rumors too.

I don't know why but my insecurity intuition alarms just started to flash, and I messaged two of the girls on Instagram confidentially and asked them if she had heard such rumors. They both told me that Melissa was my husband's best friend in the gym, and they would always hang out after the gym together and get breakfast, coffee, etc. (the gym time was early morning), and they had heard the rumors, but they were completely false. They again told me how nice my husband was and that they are going to miss him.

I know my husband is great and I trust him, but I still feel him quitting the gym is the right thing. I also am not sure if I should confront Melissa and tell her to stop lying about my husband. I think I am just going to let it go and enjoy from next month when my husband again joins our old gym (where I work out sometimes).

On a side note: I was seriously considering messaging that guy's wife about what he told my husband, but decided against it because if she asks how I know, I do not have any proof except his conversation with my husband.

Update

As I said in the comment section, I did not find any conversations with Melissa on my husband's phone. I asked my husband about it 30 mins ago and he got really angry at me for still being on that subject. He said he never talked to Melissa outside their sessions and I need to let it go, since he sacrificed his friends group for me. He never gets angry at me like this, and felt like I might have crossed some line with my insecurity. I did not tell him that I contacted his friends behind his back to ask about the rumors about Melissa. I can't shake the feeling that he is not telling me something, or that the women in his gym are lying. I do not want to go fishing into his phone again because I am worried he might find out I am still thinking about that issue. I am really not able to think what to do now.

I also might delete this post later and post from a different account as he knows about this account.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

My wife and I have been married just shy of four years and she's almost 8 months pregnant with our first child. Originally we were team green (not finding out the sex) so wanted to have a boy and a girl name. But my wife got so frustrated that I wasn't happy to just let her use her top choices for names (Peter for a boy and Susan for a girl) and for suggesting the name Everly after my late sister's middle name, that she looked at the sex and found out we were having a boy so we would only focus on boy names. She then decided she would give me a list of her top 10 boy names and I could choose one from that since I wanted to be involved.

I admit this pissed me off. When we were dating she complained all the time that her sister's husband never cared about the names of their children and gave no input at all and how lazy and lacking he was as a father. I promised her back then that I'd always want to play a role in that stuff and look for names together. She said that was perfect. I also mentioned how I'd love to use Everly for a future daughter in some way to honor my sister and she thought it was such a sweet idea. She said she was glad I was that way because she could never marry a guy like her sister's husband or have kids with someone like that.

But now that we're actually in the baby naming stages, she has changed her mind and wants to have full say because she's the one carrying our child. She was so pissed off that she said my involvement could be picking from the names she loves most and nothing else.

Her list was Peter, Lawrence, Francis, Samson, Vincent, Patrick, Chester, Geoffrey, Stanley and Caleb. I chose Caleb but she didn't like that and still wanted Peter. We had not agreed on a name. I told her I did not want Peter.

But then when we went to her parents house for a family dinner the other week she told her family we had decided to name our son Peter. I was furious because we had not agreed to that. Her family were all so happy and when we got a moment alone I accused her of being manipulative and trying to force my hand by making me the bad guy if I keep refusing. I told her she clearly never meant what she said about wanting a man who'd be involved and she should have found herself a replica of her sister's husband because that's what she really wants. She told me too loudly that I was being a jerk and "couldn't change my mind now" so her whole family were pissed off at me for trying to change Peter. Her sister's husband mocked me for being such a weak man. He said this because of how angry everyone else was at me and because I already took my wife's name in marriage and was now "letting her" name our kid. Which made me more angry at her and made her more angry at me for being angry. Then she told me I had no right to call her manipulative and we've been tense since then.

AITA?

My mom passed away last year, the day before my birthday, after over 5 months of suffering. She didn't know how bad she was and then it was too late to make a will. She even mentioned this to me the last time I saw her, a couple of weeks before she passed. She apologized to me, and even said that since her husband was getting it I probably wouldn't see a penny of it. Because of the state she passed in all the inheritance went to her husband. I was on good terms with him and he agreed to share half of it with me, to my suprise. It was nice to know I could trust him, and he was the only thing left I had that was connected to my mother. All of my other family has passed away, so I'm all on my own.

After many months of going back and forth with him and trying to figure out when he would send me the money I realized he was lying to me. He kept giving me excuses, and stories about how he'd send it to me tomorrow, next week, next month! It never stopped. At one point he told me he had a relative in Europe that left him a million dollars and if I could just wait until he got that he would double what he told me he would give me.

Finally I had enough of being jerked around and I told him I thought he was lying. He blocked my number. There was nothing I could do... or was there?

It's not much, but I realized that while I could not see his friends list on FB, I could see all his posts where his friends commented. I could see all the birthday wishes left on his profile. So I went to to all of those people and sent them a carefully crafted message about what happened and how much money he got.

The thing about my mom's husband is that their whole relationship he was dealing with issues his brother caused when their father passed and the brother stole the power of attorney and stole all of the inheritance. All of his friends and family have been hearing stories about how shit his brother is and how he was going to pay. Now this man is doing to me what his brother did to him.

Even if his friends don't care about him being a bad person, maybe they would be interested in knowing how much money he got. I've heard the stories about people winning the lottery and how all their friends and family turned on them. I'm hoping he will get some shit from some people, and even more people contacting him with their hands out. I hope he ends up with no one on his side, so he'll know how I feel being on my own.

I grew up in an okay town that has since become a bit…snobbier. I was driving down my old street last year and i saw my old neighbor, Andrea, sitting on her front porch, so i stopped in to say hi.

Turning into the driveway, i noticed a regulation sized soccer goal in her next door neighbor’s small front yard….which is VERY out of sync with the rest of the neighborhood. It made me laugh a little. After a quick catch up, i learned a couple of things: she’s the last of my old neighbors who still lives on the street and the neighborhood has become very “keeping up with the jones’ “ with the exception of her next door neighbor. I asked about the soccer goal, and here is the story:

The neighbor has a young daughter who loves soccer. She would spend hours in the front yard kicking goals into a small goal anchored in the front yard with tent spikes. Apparently, another neighbor (they don’t know who, but they suspect the people directly across the street) complained to the township because of the “semi-permanent structure” in the front yard. The neighbor got upset….obviously, it was basically a toy in the front yard! Cops came to their house, they got a warning. Then they thought it would be ok as long as they took it down when they weren’t home, but nope. Cops were called again and they were fined WHILE the daughter was using it! The fine said something about having a semi-permanent (because of the tent stakes) structure.

Cue malicious compliance: they weren’t allowed to have a semi-permanent structure, but they COULD have a permanent structure! So, they went, got a permit from the township, dug the holes, filled it with concrete, and built a regulation sized goal and hung the permit on one of the poles! Now the mystery neighbor has to look at that goal every day

I 31M refused to give my stepsisters any of my inheritance.

MY father began dating a woman when I was 8 years old. He and my mother had already split. The woman he began dating had three other children from another relationship. And me and my SM never got along. I never got along with her or her children and this relationship only seemed to get worse when I moved in with my father when I was 12 years old.

So for context my father is a very emotionless man. He made it very clear to my step mother that she would not parent me, and he would not parent her children. Each will deal with there own children, a rule which he abided by, she did not. To be clear although he was not emotionally there for her children he did but them everything they wanted. They went to private schools, they always had the latest tech and money, when they came of age he bought each of them a car. Spending money was my fathers way of being emotional this was exactly how he was with me.

All the way through my teens she would increasingly try to control my life, what I could do, where I could go, what money I was allowed, what I could eat.

If I mentioned it to my father he would talk to her and it would stop for a couple of months and then begin again. The cycle continued all throughout my childhood. Tbh nothing she did really bothered me after years of being around them they all just became irrelevant to me as harsh as it sounds. I had no negative or positive feelings towards any of them.

Fast forward to when I was 15 and this is when the relationship between myself and her(and her children) really took a turn for the worse.

My father got diagnosed with cancer. As soon as he was diagnosed he wrote a will and left me everything. The house, the cars, his money, his savings, his other properties, his business literally everything. The will was left with his solicitor, and a copy was given to him he placed this with all his other documents in a secure place so people would know if anything happened to him what his wishes were.

My father was given the all clear after a year of getting treatments and surgeries. It seemed as soon as he was given the all clear my SM found his will and exploded. She came into my room with her oldest daughter who didn't even live with us at that time screaming at me telling me I had manipulated my father and to get out of her house right now before she calls the police. I was 16 how had I manipulated him?

I left, as I said previously nothing these people could say to me would ever bother me. They were irrelevant to me. I rang my father and informed him what had happened(also said preciously) my father is emotionless I have never heard him change his tone of voice let alone get angry. He turned up to the house within twenty minutes of getting my phone call and as soon as he was back he told my step sisters to leave so he and my SM could talk.

My Step sisters came outside and all 4 of us were there and I believe for the first time In my life I heard my father raise his voice. I couldn't make out what he was saying but after 5 minutes he came out of the house told me to get into his car we were going to get food.

In the car he went back to his normal self, my dad's never tried hiding anything from me so I asked what he said to my SM. He had told her everything thing he owns goes to me that will never change. The next few years I don't think my SM or stepsisters spoke to me, maybe meaniel things like hello, good bye but definitely not a conversation not until I was 18.

When I was 18 my dad and my SM gathered me and her children and informed us all that they were buying a new family home. My SM oldest daughter said "ow that's nice. You'll get a good price for this one and before my SM replied my father interrupted and informed us all he wasn't selling he was given the house to me. This was his house he had bought before he even met my SM

Everyone of them turned and in unison began screaming at me how I take all my fathers money and things along those lines. ( I didn't even know my father was giving me the house. I didn't even know he was buying a new one) my oldest stepsister began hysterically screaming for me to give her the house. She had a husband and a child she needed it and i was going to uni so I didn't.

My father then piped up with his calm unchanging voice that the new house being bought would be split equally between himself and my SM so when they pass I would get his 50% and they would share there mothers 50%. This did not help the situation and instead I began getting screamed at more. I was indifferent to them so I didn't really phase me and we moved on.

12 years later I am now 30 years old my SM and my father have been broken up for about 3 years. Still living together just completely separate I haven't spoken to my stepsisters in 10 years even though I see atleast one of them every other week.

My SM got diagnosed with terminal cancer she only had 12-18 months to live. She moved in with her eldest daughter due to needing round the clock care and my father couldn't provide it for her.

So four months pass and none of them have contacted my father, not once. He had a stroke and ended up going into a coma, after being in the coma for two weeks I reached out and let my SM know. I didn't delay on purpose they just never crossed my mind. The day after I informed her I went around to his house to collect all of his documents( in preparation for his death I wanted everything ready rather than have to search for it) and his locks had been changed. This didn't bother me I just went home and forgot about it.

3 weeks later my father came out of his coma and was due to be sent home. He was severely unwell but he was alive. So went round to SM got the new keys and took him home.

After a week of being home he recieved a letter from his pension informing him of a beneficiary change so he rang and his pension had been changed into my SM name. Now my father had 3 private pensions and everyone of them had been changed. His signature had been forged on documents. We then went through every important thing that was of value. Pension, cars, bank accounts. Everything.

She had changed all of my fathers car logbooks into hername and his pensions. in total around 850k worth of assets and money she would have stolen if he had passed away when he was in his coma. However the one good thing from this was when we rang the mortgage company for the property they had bought together they had informed us that the property was in fact bought on a joint mortgage, which means both of them own 100% of the property ( if one dies the survivor gets 100% of the propery) this wasn't an issue for my father he said she could have 100% if he dies before it sells.

Once confronted with the attempted theft she just said I thought you would of wanted me to have it.

After this the relationship between them soured. They both wanted to sell the house. However she wanted 100% of it. They agreed he would get 30 she would get the 70 he was happy to give it her.

So we were going through some more of his documents and found his life insuarance documents. I knew my father was wealthy but I never imagined how wealthy until I seen how much the life insuarance policy was for and I was down as 100% beneficiary.

Whilst reading through the life insuarance documents I notice a small section on a cohabiting policy. So my father rang them and they informed us yes even though I was down as beneficiary she would still be entitled to claim 50% because they are legally in a cohabitation partnership. Doesn't matter they are no longer together the have a joint mortgage which is all the proof she would need.

So after my father had taken a turn for the worse and speaking to a solicitor me and my him devised a plan.

We asked the solicitor to send a letter to them informing my father would not sell the property unless it was a 70/30 split to him. Tbh he probably is entitled to that because she never paid a penny for anything. he didnt care about the house just the life insuarance.

Now one of my stepsisters is a solicitor and we were hoping that her first reaction would be to ensure her mother got at least 50% not 30.5 and we were correct a week after our solicitor sent the letter we recieved a notice of severence from my step sister informing my father that on the grounds him and my SM had split they are both entitled to 50% of the house. This is what we needed to legally show she is no longer cohabiting.

My father passed three weeks after we received this. His funeral, my SM and stepsisters turned up, and they were joyous, happy,laughing. This didn't really bother me. I knew how petty they were and expected it.

Anyway, 6 months after my fathers funeral, my wife and child were out with friends at a play area for the kids, and my eldest stepsister was there with her husband and children. I could see them staring and giggling, and eventually, they came over. They mentioned the house and how we tried and failed to rob 20% of it from them and some other things. Then she started to say disrespectful things about my father, and I snapped.

I told them, " we didn't care about the house. My dad didn't want my Sm to get his life insuarance. "

My stepsisters went quiet for around 30 seconds and then started asking what I meant. I just grabbed my child and me and my wife and I left.

The next day, I was bombarded with phonecalls asking what my father had left me, and I told them, every single thing I got in inheritance, I told them right down to the last penny. And then proceeded to brag about how we needed them to fill for the severence because if we did, they would block and delay it, suspecting something

I was then non stopped harassed for the next couple of weeks, telling me I didn't deserve the money. I should split it 4 ways because he was all of our father, not just mine. Then the threats started, and I received a letter from my SM youngest daughter, who was a solicitor, informing me of legal proceedings they are going to take.

So now, after 4 months of this, we were informed today that they have no legal claim to any of my fathers inheritance. Due to all his paperwork, will, beneficiaries on his polices which he was in sound mind when he completed. It has ruled in my favour.

I recieved another phone call from my eldest stepsister after I found out about winning the case. Begging me to split the money and assets or atleast give them the money from the house that my father and their mother owned together.

My wife believes I should just give them something to leave us alone, but that would go against what my father wanted. Me and my wife both earn good money so we wouldn't miss it and the only one of my stepsisters who earns decent money is the solicitor the other two are desperate for money.

But when I think about it I'm constantly reminded that I don't actually care for these people so why should I help them out.

So, AITAH?

Edit -- just to make it clear, my SM passed away around 3 months ago. The house was sold for 1.2m so they did recieve inheritance, around 200k each. Assuming she left equal amounts to each of her children

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now suspended

Originally posted to

AITA for scolding my husband in front of his children, parents and in-laws?

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, manipulation, deadbeat, financial abuse and exploitation

: May 15, 2024

(Throwaway account because my husband knows my main account)

The title sounds messed up already, but hear me out. I (34F) live together with my husband (35M), two children (6F & 8M) and his parents. We've been married for over a decade and I love him, but let's just say he's not the easiest to make compromises with and usually hates it when things don't go his way. I'll quickly list a few examples below:

• He has been unemployed for 2-3 years. He's lazy to find a job, but uses the excuse of "taking care of the kids" to stay at home everyday.

• He wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. I told him before that it's inappropriate to dress like that in front of our kids (especially my daughter who's growing up), but he always says "my house, my rules".

• He's a very heavy smoker. He usually smokes 2-3 packs a day. The worst part about this is that he smokes INSIDE the house (bedroom/living room). This is despite the fact that his mother has emphysema (a lung condition that can cause breathing difficulties) and that he stays near the kids while at home. I always tell him to smoke outside to protect his mom and our kids from the secondhand smoke, but he says he doesn't care and that he's too lazy to go out every 20-30 minutes just to smoke.

• Because he's unemployed, I have to give him cash everyday for him to purchase cigarettes. Sometimes he'll even demand money from his own parents or my parents if he feels like smoking more.

The last straw for me came just a few days ago. My parents came to visit us for a couple of weeks. The eight of us were supposed to have a family meal together. I asked him to put some clothes on out of respect for both our parents, but he refused and chose to remain in boxers. I also told him to cut down on smoking while my parents were staying over because both of them are asthmatic.

To my utter shock, he pulled out a cigarette and lighter DURING DINNER and started smoking AT THE DINNER TABLE. My mom started coughing profusely and she told him to only smoke after dinner, but he got agitated and told her to "shut the f up". I was extremely fed up at this point and scolded him in front of everyone, telling him off about all the pointers I listed off earlier.

It's been a few days and he still hasn't talked to me since that night (apart from asking me for money). Was I too harsh on him? Am I in the wrong for scolding him in front of everyone else? Please give some advice on what to do because I've been feeling guilt-ridden and having trouble falling asleep the past couple of days. Thank you!

EDIT: To everyone who's suggesting me to not give him money, I've tried that before. But he'll just give me the silent treatment and REFUSE to do the household chores until I give in. His parents have tried this as well, but he just threatens to kick them out of the house whenever they do this.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Comments

Confident_Macaron_15: NTA - he scolded your mother with profanity, but expects to be treated any differently? I know you said you love your husband, but living with him just sounds so awful. One of the best life lessons I received from a psychologist was that love is actually not a feeling - it’s an action. How is he showing love to you and your family?

Consistent-Tree6802: The only question here is why on earth are you still wasting your time and life on this loser? You deserve so much more ❤️

1000% NTA

May 17, 2024

Hi everyone, I made a post a few days ago in this thread (also in my profile) titled "AITA for scolding my husband in front of his children, parents and in-laws?", where I shared about the situation between me and my husband.

Thank you so much for the overwhelming feedback and advice. After serious considerations, I sat down with him and his parents to talk to him about his behaviour and to seek changes. He has been very receptive and is willing to change for the better, but new problems have surfaced.

Just as I did in the previous post, I'll list down point by point on what we went over, as well as the compromises that were made:

• I mentioned that he has been unemployed for 2-3 years. He has agreed to look for jobs and will no longer be a househusband on the weekdays. In return, he has asked his parents to do all the household chores instead, and for me to help out with the chores when I get home from work, which I am fine with.

• I mentioned that he wears only boxers at home everyday (no shirt or shorts/pants), even when guests come over. After much persuasion, he has agreed to wear shorts when guests come over and during family mealtimes, but he still refuses to wear a shirt regardless of the occasion.

• I mentioned that he's a very heavy smoker who usually smokes 2-3 packs a day INSIDE the house (bedroom/living room), despite the fact that his mother has emphysema (a lung condition that can cause breathing difficulties) and that he stays near the kids while at home. Regarding this, we told him to smoke outside at a nearby car park, but he refused to do so as he said he's lazy to wear a shirt to go outside. The compromise we've come to is that he'll smoke along the open corridor outside our flat, but in boxers. He'll only smoke 1 pack a day on weekdays and 3.5 packs a day on the weekends.

• I mentioned that I have to give him cash everyday for him to purchase cigarettes. Sometimes he'll even demand money from his own parents or my parents if he feels like smoking more. He has agreed to only using the money from his job to purchase cigarettes.

However, we've tried this new "system" out for around 36 hours now and a new problem has already surfaced. Our neighbors (who have children of their own) can now see him smoking along the corridor in boxers every 20-30 minutes. They've confronted him already, saying that he's spreading secondhand smoke to them and setting a bad example for their kids. But he told them that he "does not give a flying f" about their family, which caused them to become even angrier.

I'm thankful to him for making so many drastic changes to his daily routine and lifestyle, but it seems like his conpromises aren't enough to get us out of trouble completely. How should I handle the situation? Should I ask him to make even more compromises (which will definitely piss him off)? Thank you.

Note: Divorcing is not an option for multiple reasons. Please do not suggest it anymore in the comments.

Comments

Unhappy_Energy_741: YTA. Nothing changed. He half told you what you wanted to hear. But you obviously don't really care anyway. Just fucken leave his nasty ass.

Money-Age6517: Yta for keeping your children in this environment. You have an excuse for everything.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

A UK resident, who used to be an elected member of the European Parliament, was recently told she needed planning permission to fly the EU flag from her property. she was given a long list of what rules mean a flag can/cannot be flown freely. (Oi, you got a licence for that flag?)

One of the rules were of the UK was a member of that union or body, permission is not needed.

She has now informed her local council enforcing the flag rules that she is flying the Council of Europe flag, of which UK is a member and therefore no permission is needed.

That flag? Identical to the EU flag.

BBC News - Former MEP will continue flying European flag after feedback

Edit: correction