CONCLUDED
I am not OOP. OOP is They posted on
Editor's Note: I did some mild editing for readability, mainly adding paragraphs and periods. I didn't add any comments because this is already very long, but most of the comments were in support of OOP.
Trigger Warning:
February 17, 2024
People of Reddit I need some advice and judgment.
I 49M am a single father of three children. My wife passed away of cancer when my oldest was 13. It was very difficult for me to raise them, I would work 12-16 hour shifts and would not be home most of the time. I was thankful that my kids were strong and independent.
I would like to give a little background on myself. I grew up in an abusive household. My dad would physically abuse my mom and also beat my siblings and me. I have four younger siblings, three of them being girls. I was the oldest and would try to take the beatings for them. When I was old enough and strong enough I squared up against my father. I did so as many times as I needed to. I never let him put his hands on them. My father ended up going to prison for battery and we moved states.
My kid's current ages are 24M, 21F, 17F. My daughters still live with me since they are going to college but my son has moved out and made his life. My son has gotten a girlfriend and I have met her. She is a sweet, loving, and soft-natured girl and I genuinely like her. She reminds me of my wife when she was younger. I invite my son and his girlfriend over for lunch and dinners quite often. They have now been dating for three years and she would sometimes come over and help my daughters out with college stuff or just come over to hang out with them. I love her as family and have told her so.
Four weeks ago she came over and when I opened the door the first thing I saw was that she had a busted lip, and a black eye, and her eye seemed to be dyed in blood. I immediately took her in and helped her. My daughters were also alarmed when they saw her and when we asked her what happened she told us that my son was the one who did it to her. I cried at hearing that and I hugged her and begged her for my forgiveness. She told us all about it and apologized for not telling us sooner. This wasn't the first time he had hit her. I've asked her if she has told her parents or the cops and she said that we were the first people she felt like going to. I cried. I reassured her that she was safe there and not to worry. I asked my daughters to clean up a spare bedroom for her as she would be staying.
I cannot describe how I was feeling but you guys can imagine it. I spent hours just staring at the black TV screen looking at my reflection. A few days after she came to us, I invited my son over for dinner. I had her consent and knowledge to do so first. My son came over and I instructed my daughters to keep her in their rooms and to pretend they weren't there.
When my son knocked on my door and I saw him again, I felt sick and my blood boiled but I kept my composure and we sat down to eat. I kept looking at his hands and knuckles and there were faint scrapes and marks.
I asked my son basic questions trying to seem normal and nice. But the whole time I didn't see him as my son anymore, I saw him as my father and I didn't like that feeling. He acted normal until I asked him how everything was with his girlfriend and he choked on his food for a moment and told me "Everything is fine, she's just busy with work and I haven't seen her in a while." I just nodded and said, "Oh, that's nice. Glad she's doing okay."
We finished eating and I washed the dishes. I stood right next to him and asked why he was beating his girlfriend. I said, "I think it's about time you stop bullshitting me about your girlfriend." He asked me what I was talking about and I told him to stand up and put his hands up. I knew everything and I was gonna show him what it's like to be the weaker person. Before he could say another word, I swung at him. Told him that this was the real deal.
I did not hold back. I was gonna teach my son what it feels like to get beat since he thought it was okay. I told him to keep his hands up and to defend himself. We fought, but I, of course, was gonna be the last one standing. I asked him how it felt to be weak, to be on the other end of it. He told me to stop, but I asked him if he stopped when she begged him to.
I didn't stop beating him until his girlfriend came downstairs and screamed at me to stop. He looked horrified at seeing her. I told him that he was lucky she didn't tell her dad because her dad would have made him bury his own grave. He was lucky no one told the cops because people in jail or prison aren't fond of men who beat women. That he was lucky I was not putting him down like the animal he is.
I told him how disgusting I felt being the father of a man who beats his girlfriend, that he was no longer part of this family and to get the fuck out of my house. That he was a disappointment to everyone in this house. Seeing how I left him reminded me of how she came to me. I tossed him some napkins and told him to clean himself up on the way to whatever shithole he came from. I cried once he limped out of the front door.
I told his girlfriend that moving forward was her choice and I would support her. If she chose to stay here she was more than welcome to, but if she chose to continue her relationship with him then I would be doing random welfare checks. I told her how sorry I was that something so horrible happened to her and that it was my fault.
It has been a few weeks since the fight. I didn't realize I had a broken nose but that is okay. She chose to end the relationship with him and she has been staying with us. I feel like shit. I keep seeing the red stains on the couch and carpet and I keep asking myself if I did the right thing, if there were other options. I no longer had a son and that hurt me. I do not know if I did the right thing. I've just been staring at my reflection on the TV. AITA?
February 20, 2024
Hello again people of Reddit. There were a lot of comments and many questions were asked. One in particular that I found very interesting and even showed my daughters was what would have been my plan if my son won. My daughters have instructed me to quote "The Great Kanye." " I Guess We'll Never Know." I'm Not sure if that's the saying but I got that out the way now.
There were a lot of you guys who recommended I reach out to my son so I did. Yesterday we agreed that I would go over to his apartment. I told my daughters and the ex that I would be going today to their brother's place. I asked the ex if she wanted me to grab some small things that she left over there.
I went over to his place at 8 in the morning so we could get it out of the way as soon as we could. He shook my hand but he kept his gaze low. His injuries seemed to be fine and were healing up nicely. He led me into his apartment and it was pretty messy. There were a lot of trash bags piled up and some of the walls had little dents in them. I mention this because I mentioned that I saw scrape marks on his hands earlier.
We made small talk first and then I brought up the idea of attending therapy but he shot me down. I told him that we needed to talk about his ex and his actions. He said, "I'm guessing she told you everything right?" I told him yes and asked him for the entire truth. It pretty much went like this: He lost his job 8 months ago after a huge layoff and was struggling with the bills so his ex had to cover for him. He felt like a loser compared to her because of it. He couldn't find a job and when she asked him about it, he snapped at her for trying to help him. That's pretty much how it started. After that, he just found it easy to smack her every time he felt less than her or if she made him look bad. I asked him a lot of questions, some vague some detailed but for the most part, it confirmed every story his ex had told us. So she wasn't lying to us.
I told him that I was sorry I didn't hear him out at first but that it was probably for the better that I didn't know the pathetic reasons he had for doing what he did. He did not apologize back or show any signs that he was remorseful for what he did. We continued to talk about it and things got very heated. He kept on making excuses for himself and trying to justify what he did. I told him under no conditions was it okay for him to beat his girlfriend. Just because life got hard for him and things weren't going his way, it does not excuse his shitty actions.
My son stood up and asked me why I couldn't have his back or take his side. I got up and asked him "In what way was I supposed to have your side?" I would in no way support his actions, that he was full of shit for even having the audacity to think I would support him beating his girlfriend. Each time I tried to give him advice or anything related to self-improving, he would get angry.
Things continued to escalate and I told him that unless he got his life and himself under control, he was not allowed near his sisters or my home. He continued to say that even now I only cared for his ex and not him. I told him to not play the poor victim and that he made his bed and now he has to lay in it. He cannot continue to blame others for his actions, much less think it was okay to do what he did. He was no longer a child but a grown man who made his choices. That every choice had its consequences.
I asked him for his ex's things and he told me that he broke them and showed me where they were. They were indeed smashed into pieces. I told him again how ashamed I was of him for being like this and told him that he needed to get help. That he needed to take control of his life again and needed to change. If he continued to act and do things like this he will end up in jail or dead. That he had to pull himself together for his sake. He told me to go fuck myself and so I did. I picked up his ex's broken things and put them in a bag before I left. AITA?
February 27, 2024
[ OOP recaps the previous posts ]
Since then my son has been texting me nasty things and my daughters have also told me that he has been asking them where his ex is. Claiming he wants to see her.
My siblings came over this weekend for a cookout I was hosting (my son wasn't invited). I told my family about the situation and they all agreed that my son turned out to be more like our father. We joked that we always expected one of the guys to be his replica (my brother and I). We all shared our crappiest experiences with our father and we answered more questions about our childhood to the ex and my daughters.
My mom spent most of the time with the ex and my daughters talking about the dangers of men and whatnot. I thought it was ironic but it is my mom and I can't say none to her even though I am 49. I couldn't even tell her to stop telling my daughters about how much trouble me and my brother used to cause.
A couple of hours into the cookout, the women were in the living room doing their thing while we guys were working in the garage fixing one of the cars. We heard loud banging and my sisters were yelling at us to get in there because some drunk guy was trying to kick down the door. It was my son. It wasn't too hard to realize that it was him because he was yelling the ex's name and yelling at her to open the door and to stop being a B word.
I told the women to just get away from the door. I opened the door and shoved him out of the door when he tried to force himself in. I told him to get the fuck away from the door and to stop acting like an idiot or else someone was gonna call the cops on him. I told him that he was not allowed near the house. He just told me to shut up and to let him see her. I told him that under no circumstances would he be allowed near any of the women let alone his ex. To leave because he was drunk and I offered to call an Uber for him since I didn't want him to drive drunk.
My brother in Law came out to see what was happening and my son ended up throwing a beer bottle at him. Not the best accuracy since it hit the window. My son just kept on getting aggressive and violent and started to approach me. The whole time he was just yelling at me to let him see her and that he wanted to talk. But only to her. His tantrum lasted about 10 minutes until the ex peeked out the window which resulted in him yelling "Bitch, I knew you were in there" and another beer bottle being thrown again, but this time it was accurate and it almost gave her a few facial scars with the broken glass from the window.
My brother came out at that point and we both stood in front of him and told him to leave or we would and call the police or knock him the fuck out if he continued to pose a threat to us. Long story short, my son lunged at us. It was a whole ordeal and a public show.
My brother held him in a chokehold until he was knocked out. My mom came out phone in hand and dialed 911. The police took a while and got there here in 20 minutes. We just sat on our son until they arrived and explained the whole thing to them. Everyone gave their statements and I gave the police the ring camera video as further proof. My son was put in cuffs and taken away (thank you to everyone who suggested cameras).
The ex is okay and so is everyone else. The women (except my mom) were shaken up. We went back inside and cleaned everything else up and it was awkward but we moved on from the incident. My mom was mad that I even allowed him to throw the second bottle.
My brother and I went outside and talked about my son and our father. He asked me if maybe I should have let my son see her or at least let him say his piece to her. It was a stupid question and he knew that, but it got me thinking. What if he wanted to apologize? What if he was there to reconcile, but I again escalated it? It's a stupid question, but I would like some outside opinions. I have not visited my son yet even though it has been two days since I saw him get put inside a cop car. AITA?
February 29, 2024
Hello everyone.
As everyone knows my son got arrested for the scene he caused a couple of days ago. My mother stayed with me and my family while everyone else left to go home. I have fixed both windows that my son broke and have made sure to fix the door because he sort of damaged the hinges. It has been a rough few days and it has been hard on me. My daughters have visited their brother in jail for me and they have told me that he looks like a total mess. The ex has told me that she would like to go see how he is doing and I agreed to it.
Yesterday, we went to visit him and he did look terrible. I let his ex talk to him first for a few minutes while I talked to the officers in charge of his case. He was being charged trespassing, drunk and disorderly, battery, damage to property, possession of illegal narcotics, and a few other charges. It was not fun hearing that your son was going to be locked up for a while. As I waited for the ex to finish talking, I thought a lot about what I would say to him or if I should say anything at all. If I should even show myself to him. It was just very conflicting.
When the ex came out she looked very sad and heartbroken. I didn't ask what they spoke about. I walked in and he looked very angry to see me. I sat down and asked him how he was doing. We had a basic conversation, but it was going nowhere.
I told him that I never wanted to see him locked up or be in this situation. I tried to explain how hurt I was, but he just asked me if I was going to get him out because " it was bullshit and I don't deserve to be in here." I tried to be patient and let him talk but all he was saying was arrogant, ignorant, and stupid.
I explained to him that I was only here to see him one last time and that I wasn't gonna lift a finger to help him. He got angry and started cussing at me. I told him that he chose this and that his actions had consequences. He started to blame me for his arrest and I snapped at him. I told him that he could not live his pathetic life blaming his actions and choices on others and that he needed to stop being a pathetic POS. Even after I gave him a reality check and tried to show him humility, even after I tried to offer him help and support, he chose to continue being a terrible person.
It got quiet after I snapped at him and he apologized to me. He told me that he was sorry for what he did but I told him that it was too late for him to apologize. He started to tear up but I told him to stop with the poor victim play. He got angry at me and told me the same thing he told me the other time--that I never chose his side and that it was my fault.
I told him that his grampa was the same way--always blaming others for his shit and taking out his feelings and failures on the people he loves. I told him the same thing I told my father when he got locked away--that he was just a filthy animal who deserved to be locked up. Everyone in the family will forget that he exists and move on and be happy without him. I will probably retire, his sisters will move out and on with their lives and have their own families, his ex will move on from the horrible experience that he was. The world will continue to spin while he is here locked up. Everyone will move on with their lives. He just sat there quietly with tears running down his face. I felt terrible seeing him like that but it is what it is.
The last thing I told him was that he was officially disowned and that I would be getting a restraining order. That he was no longer my son and to forget about me and his family. He told me that I can go fuck myself before I left.
When we got home I just went straight to the garage and continued to work on my car. I didn't want to speak to anyone. I'm guessing the pressure of the situation finally got to me. Now I'm just typing this as a sort of distraction. I will go to his hearing. I do not know how to feel. I know what I said to him was shitty, and it makes me sad to think that those might be the last words he will ever hear from me. I'm guessing that is what I wanted to ask AITA.
May 13, 2024
Hello everyone. I would like to apologize first for not responding to everyone's comments and to some peoples dms. I've been pretty busy with life and a lot has happened. Thank you to everyone who has shown support and have commented very nice things.
I would like to start off by saying that my daughters are doing excellent, a bit sad after the court hearing but they are handling it well. I spoke with the ex's family about what had happened and have made peace with them. I think they like me? Not sure, the handshake was extra firm from the father. Her injuries have healed up nicely and so have mine. My nose ain't funny shaped anymore. Yes she decided to stay under my wing for a bit longer. My mother has been... very much a thorn in my side ever since the incident which is fine and all. I'll probably make another AITA post asking on advice about it. I have been feeling down and lazy. I wanted to get out, smell the roses, see something nice. You know what I mean.
My son's hearing was a couple weeks ago and everyone attended, including me, despite everything I have said or felt or done. I know I cannot explain my feelings or thought process well but I had to be there. It was one of the saddest experiences in my life. As much as I hate what my son became, I still loved him and hearing him get sentenced for 12 years for illegal drug possession and assault ( and many other charges) was not easy. I took a short break from everything just to give me time to deflate. I went on a camping trip with all my daughters. I thought it was fun, almost got mauled by a bear but that's part of the fun. I became (hood certified) according to my daughters over the food I made on the grill. I'm gonna be honest. I do not know what that means but it sounds like they liked the food.
I have many regrets about how I handled the whole situation now that time has passed and the fog in my head was cleared. I did so many things wrong and did so many unnecessary things, said shit that no father should ever tell his son. I make no excuses for my actions. I fucked up and I will live with my choices. I hope and pray that in the future I will be a better man and so will my son. I want to forgive him, I want him to forgive me, I want his sisters to forgive him. I.. just want my whole family back. But like everything life is unpredictable but I stay optimistic. A lot of people shot me personal dms and I have read all of them. For those who I haven't replied to, sorry, I got very shy from how nice you guys were.
My daughters have been skimming the topic of me dating again. I thought it was sweet but I already had and loved a woman. No one can replace her. I miss her. She probably would have smacked the shit outta me and told me off. Man.... I fucking miss you Lzi. Life has been tough without you but I've managed to raise a good, strong family. You have lovely and strong daughters. They are doing well and are making their own path in life. Wish you were here to see it.
Related post (but about OOP's parents, not his son):
May 14, 2024
TL;DR OOP's siblings show up with mom AND abusive dad and want him to forgive and forget the years of beatings and abuse. OOP brings up all the abuse, mom excuses ii all, dad stays silent then tries the "move past it and forgive" stuff. OOP refuses and siblings seem to stand behind him after sitting silently through most of it.
