my team sent me a bag of garbage while I was recovering from surgery

Originally posted to A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile Workplace

June 8, 2015

I’m currently covering a maternity leave and had to go in for a not insignificant surgery. It was complicated by the fact I seem to be working in the real-life version of Mean Girls, most frequently with a Regina George stand-in.

I ended up having my surgery, and negotiating remote work for my recovery. I’m feeling a lot less stressed, even though I logged back in the day after my procedure and got right back to it.

Today, two coworkers I’ve gotten close to came by for a visit and the weirdest work-gift situation ever came up. They both gave me a lovely gift, and treated me to dinner. And then sheepishly looked at each other, sighed, and said the office had a gift as well. I could tell they felt weird about it. It was a reusable shopping bag filled with garbage. A used pair of unwanted, scuffed shoes, several junk mail brochures, expired tea from the office kitchen, some dusty old plaques from the 90s, and a Sublime cd (one of the songs is called “Date Rape”). I was taken aback. I asked what this was supposed to be? They told me the people at the office said they should try to keep a straight face like this was a legitimate gift, that it was supposed to give me a laugh.

It did not. I said I really appreciated the thoughtful gift/dinner/visit the two of them had given me, but that this “joke” gift wasn’t really appropriate and didn’t fit the relationship we all have as coworkers. Rather than gentle ribbing, it felt like being in grade 9 gym class all over again. They apologized profusely and I asked them to take the bag back with them on the way out (with the injury recovery, I can’t actually leave my apartment for the next while), because I couldn’t get it down to the garbage myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I like joke gifts! I’ve given them and received them in the past. But when I’ve been on a team that did this: (a) it wouldn’t be actual garbage, and (b) it would be followed by something thoughtful (restaurant delivery/grocery/taxi gift cards/etc.). They just gave me actual garbage.

And I’m going to be asked how I liked my “gift” on Monday, and I have no idea what to say. Typically I would do a warm thank-you and find something to like about a gift (even if it wasn’t my thing), but what do you even say about this? That I was confused? That I’m not sure what to say? I don’t really want to laugh along with it. I thought it was awful.

Any advice would be much appreciated! I’ve not really encountered a situation like this before, and most of my friends are just as stumped.

OOP Added a small update in the comments

June 8, 2015

Hey, already an update.

I got asked how I liked the gift on a call this morning, and I said I didn’t really understand it or have a place for anything in the bag. And couldn’t get down to take it out myself and so asked the coworkers to take it back with them. They seemed to honestly think I would enjoy it (???). It’s so bizarre. I’m so glad I’m working from home.

As for my couple nice coworkers, it’s definitely a case of the office being so awful, that a bag of garbage didn’t seem that bad.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Spooky

Their response just makes me even sadder. Props to you for being the bigger person and trying to rise above it (I, on the other hand, might be looking for creative revenge, like those sites that let you ship exotic animal dung to your enemies.) How much longer until the person you’re covering for comes back?

OOP

Six more months. Unless she comes back a bit early, then four months. I wonder whether she’ll come back at all though

  Dec 14, 2020

I can’t remember if I ever sent a formal update to getting a bag of garbage from my terrible ex-manager.

I had a small update in the post, re: the most awkward team conference call the next day. Regina really did think I would play along, asking how I liked my gift in a joking tone and I straight up said I didn’t understand or appreciate the “gift,” nor could I get down the stairs to dispose of it and had to send it with the coworkers. Who I then thanked warmly for the actual gift they gave. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature response, but honestly I hit the ground hard as soon as I could (metaphorically, the surgery really did knock a lot out of me) looking for a new job. I spent a few weeks resting up and getting my work done, but refused anything above and beyond my role. Which might sound terrible, but Regina had a bad habit of promising the actual impossible, like a custom, usable typeface designed in an afternoon, or a massive marketing campaign (she actually referenced major artist launch campaigns, like Taylor Swift) executed in under a week with no budget. I wish I was exaggerating.

It will surprise exactly no one that a small, family-run firm is not a great place to work. Between the agents doing lines in the bathroom, throwing metal staplers around the office, to Regina calling up random employees to loudly berate them on the phone (none of the office walls reached the ceiling, so you could hear everything) and talking about how hard she partied with the artists we represented (I have never heard so many stories about vomiting in the street in my life). It was definitely… something.

Anyway, I handed in my two weeks notice a couple months after the garbage incident. Regina was weird the whole time, vacillating between super bitter “I hope you ENJOY your next job because I’ll be STUCK HERE FOREVER,” and weird weepy declarations of how much they’d miss me, accompanied by awkward hugs.

I stayed in touch with a few coworkers, all of whom left shortly after I did. We still chat every now and then, sometimes to make sure it all actually happened and wasn’t a collective fever dream.

I’m happily working back in tech, full-time remote. I’ve worked a couple gigs over the past five years, and while #startuplife can be a little bro-y, the worst I’ve had to deal with gift-wise was the rise and fall of branded popsockets.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 21st May 2024

- 21st May 2024

AITAH for refusing to lend my friend my house for her wedding After she asked me for a paternity test, resulting in her having to cancel the wedding?

My friend Sandra and I have known each other for over 20 years (we are 30-32). Sandra is getting married to Andres, and I am married to Ian.

Some relevant information:

Andres and I originally come from the same country and even the same region. We share many characteristics.

We both have very round faces, deep brown eyes, long straight black hair, etc. If you didn't know better, you might assume we are siblings.

I met Andres six years ago and introduced him to Sandra. He proposed two years ago.

I own a beautiful property in my home country that I was ready to lend to Sandra and Andres for their wedding.

My property is like a finca and has 10 rooms. Usually, I would rent it out for weddings at a somewhat high price, but I was happy to give it to them at no cost, with the condition that they hire their own catering and have their guests strip their beds when they leave.

The issue:

Three months ago, Sandra became more reclusive. She wouldn't answer my texts, and we didn't meet up. Two weeks ago, she appeared at my door with Andres. They sat us down (my husband included) and said she suspected that my daughter is actually Andres' biological daughter and requested a paternity test for peace of mind.

I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything. My husband lost his temper and raised his voice, telling Sandra that she was being absolutely stupid.

Sandra pointed out that my daughter looks like Andres. I explained that Andres and I look alike. She kept shaking her head, saying my daughter would look more like my husband and not like my exact copy.

The evening ended poorly. I agreed to the test if they paid for it. The results came back last Friday, showing that Andres was not the father. We also did a test confirming that my husband is the father.

Sandra cried and tried to hug me. I told her I didn't want to and that I didn't want to be friends with her for the time being. She kept saying her worries were justified and made a comment about "women from your country being more likely to do that."

In that moment, I was filled with anger. I told her she could forget about using the venue and that I didn't want her in my life anymore. She started crying, but I made her leave.

Her mom and she have been texting me, saying they can't find a new venue. I still said no.

Twenty minutes ago, Sandra called me sobbing, saying that the wedding is off because of me.

Am I the asshole? Should I have let her use the venue at the usual price, or was what I did okay?

Edit: Andres was not chill about this. He seemed exasperated. He was quite upset and basically just agreed to this, so she would drop it. I didn't include it because I did not see the relevance for the conflict between me and her

Comments

FoggyDaze415

NTA. The wedding is off because she accused her fiancé of infidelity, and then insulted your AND HER FIANCE'S culture by implying that women from said culture are slutty or have no respect for relationships.

Maybe she shouldnt be an insecure racist.

Disastrous-Bee-1557

She basically implied that not only OP, but Andres’ mother/sister/aunts/cousins are also potential slutty home wreckers. The man can’t run fast enough away from this woman.

actiaslxna

I feel really bad for him out of all of this but at least she showed her true colors. Hopefully the relationship is off too with how she’s acting.

whoopiedo

Totally NTA. The wedding is off because of her. Apart from the slurs she flung at you, she demonstrated that she has no trust in her fiancé. I suspect that this is the real reason why the wedding is off. If it was just the venue, they could have found another or postponed.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 10 hours later

Update: they are no longer together.

Sandra just wrote me an email apologizing and, for some reason paypaled me 25,67€.

Anyway. Thank you for weighing in

DiscardedTree1

Why….the 25,67?

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the original poster. Please do not harass the OOP.

The original poster is , posting on .

Links:

- Early January 2024

- February 5th 2024 (28 days later)

Original BORU is posted by

1 New Update

- 21st May 2024

Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marraige because I learned my wife cheated on my while we were dating?

My wife (44F) and I (43M) have been married 20 years. We started dating in high school when I was a junior and she was a senior. We were long distance for her first two years of college while I was in high school and did one year at community college, then we went to college in the same city for a year, and have lived together since. We got married the summer after I graduated college. Our marraige has been pretty great so far, but I initated a divorce after I discovered that she was sleeping with multiple other men for the 2 years we were long distance.

Just after Christmas, we got together with a few friends of hers from college to catch up, have dinner, and hang out. We talked about a lot of stuff and my wife mentioned that we met in high school (not that we dated, just that we met). Her old college room commented that it was crazy that we met in high school, had a few wild years in college, then ended up together. I played along and commented that I didn't know if my wife was as crazy as I was. The roomate started to tell a story, but my wife cut her off and said she was uncomfortable about it. I sensed something was up, so I said that we actually started dating in high school and were together for my wife's entire time at college. All of my wives friends got real quiet and the rest of the dinner was awkward. On the way out, one of her other roomates took me aside and said I should have "an honest conversation" about what happened at college.

I asked my wife on the way home and she kind of blew me off. I told her it was important that she was honest with me and again she said it wasn't important. When we got home, I told her I was going to stay at my brother's house until she was ready to talk about what happened in college. The next day she came over and admitted to sleepting with "several" men during her first two years at college. She said she didn't consider it a big deal at the time because we were long distance and she didn't think a high school romance would last. I pressed for more details and she said it was at least 10 different men including at least 3 guys she introduced to me as friends when I came to visit on weekends and 1 guy she was still in contact with. I told her that I wanted a divorce and would be starting the paperwork as soon as I could (which I did on January 2nd).

Her family and most of my family is telling me I shouldn't throw away my marriage over a few mistakes. I've stood by my belief that cheating on me with multiple men for years is unacceptable no matter when it happened and the fact that she continued to maintain relationships with these guys right in front of me was an unacceptable amount of disrespect. We have two children, but they are 17 and 19 and I believe they will understand why I need to end the marraige. Am I wrong for leaving? I feel like I'm going crazy with the amount of people telling me to over look years of infidelty and decades of lies.

EDIT: Holy shit I'm glad I did this with a throwaway because the response here is unexpected.

I obviously can't answer every question/comment, but I wanted to provide some detail for common questions.

• The reason I posted this is that my wife and a few friends have been saying it's common to sleep with other folks when you're in an long distance relationship and that I'm kind of the odd one out for not sleeping around. I felt like I was being gaslit, but I wanted an outside perspective. We live in a state with a waiting period to finalize a divorce, so I felt it was a reasonable idea to get some insight before things are finalized. After these comments, I see a handful of folks saying it's normal to sleep around during a long distance relationship, but it seems to be a significant minority.

• We saw each other a couple of weekends a month during the two year college period. I lived about 3 hours away from her college, so it was long distance but not like cross country. This was not a situation where we went months without seeing each other.

• The 3 guys I met while she was in college were meetups that happened during parties. The subject of me being a boyfriend didn't really come up, so I honestly don't know if these guys knew anything.

• The one guy we're still in contact with married a mutual friend from college. This is not some guy she secretly messages on the side, it's somebody we've talked to regularly for years. I've talked to him a few times since I've learned about my wife. He's said he didn't know we were dating at the time and has since blocked my wife on social media.

• Some folks have asked how the roomates didn't realize at our wedding that the timelines didn't work out. The main reason is that my wife and I had a very small ceremony with just close family in Texas, then went back to the East Coast to have a big party with friends. The typical reception/sharing details about how we met stuff didn't really happen, so her roomates didn't realize we started dating before college. It sounds like they thought we only dated for the year we were both in the same city, then moved in together.

• I was open to therapy or some kind of attempt to save the marraige, but her insistence that this whole thing is common and I'm the one who's out of line is just too much for me. The only time she showed any remorse or even offerred to reconsile is when I started filing paper work. In the last week she's gone back to saying she's right and I'm overreacting. This is also why I feeling like I'm being gaslit. It seems obvious that this is a major issue, but I've got my wife and others telling me it's normal and I'm overreacting.

• I'm not getting a paternity test unless my kids want to get one. I don't have any doubts that they are biologically mine, and no test will make them not my kids. I love them more than anything in the world and my wife's infidelity won't change that even if one or both of them is not biologically mine. They've been my kids for 19 years and they will be my kids until I stop breathing.

FINAL EDIT: Hey all, I've been reading a bunch of the responses, but things are getting crazy and increasingly unhinged, so I probably won't be checking in more. Here are few more answers to common questions I've seen.

• We were definitely exclusively dating at the time. First, dating culture was a lot different 20ish years ago and exclusive was kind of the default for most people. Second, we had a long and difficult discussion before she left for college about continuing the relationship long distance. She specifically wanted to stay together and even joked about her dad coming after me if I started sleeping around with girls at my school. Finally, at my senior prom, she was not able to attend and was very upset when I proposed going with a platonnic female friend of mine. As a result I ended up skipping my prom and hanging out with her instead. While we never said the word exclusive, I think the above reasons, combined with the general relationship before she left, are enough to assume exclusivity.

• Based on some comments here, I followed up with the friend that said I should have an honest conversation. She told me that "10 guys would be on the low end" and that her biggest concern was that there was apparently at least one pregnancy scare that I didn't know about. I honestly don't think that really changes much. It's less about the number for me and more about the fact that she seems incapable of recognizing why this was wrong or why I feel betrayed.

Thank you all for the helpful responses, even those that disagree with me. I will still be open to therapy if she's willing, but I honestly feel like it would be more about us being successful coparents and finding closure than saving our marraige.

Relevant Comments:

It would change a lot if I felt that she wanted to fix this. Throughout our conversation about it, she repeatedly dismissed my feelings and told me I was overreacting to "totally normal behavior". She didn't show any regret or consideration for how it hurt me until she realized I was serious about divorce, then she got defensive and angry. She didn't offer to fix things in any way until I started the paper work and notified her that I had a lawyer.

I think we can navigate being parents. Our kids are older and I've been putting away money for college/post high school for a long time, so a lot of the custody and monetary issues that come up shouldn't be a big problem. We're also both financially stable and make good money.

I have some doubts about our marraige now, but those are my kids. My son looks like my younger clone and my daughter also bears a huge familial resemblance.

I will be honest, even if a DNA test showed zero chance they were mine, I would never ever say a damn thing about it and I would still love them every ounce as much,

I've hired a lawyer, he drafted an intent to seperate, and sent her a copy certified mail. As far as I know, that's not any legal divorce paper with the state, but rather a part of the process to ensure that she as an opportunity to hire her own lawyer if she wants to contest it.

Actually going through the divorce will likely take months.

I'm not really moved out. I've been crashing at my brother's place while I make arrangements for a more permentant living scenario.

As far as timing goes, the dinner happend on the 26th. I went to my brother's house that night to cool off and give her a chance to think about things. We talked several times over the course of 4-5 days and she made it clear that she didnt' believe she didn't anything wrong. If there was any kind of remorse/regret/basic consideration of my feelings on her part, I probably would have waited. However, she didn't so I found a divorce lawyer and he had boilerplate intent to seperate agreements that we filled out and sent over the same day.

Even now, we're obviously not legally divorced and I don't even know if there is a legal concept of seperation in my state, but I've made it clear this is happening and started the process.

There is no judgement on but the consensus of the comment section was that he was not wrong.

[UPDATE] Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marriage because I learned my wife cheated on my while we were dating?

Link to previous post removed.

I wanted to provide some updates here as my original post got a lot of traction.

TL;DR version: My wife and I are seeing a couples counselor and have been to 3 sessions now. Based on what my original post outlined, and what we've talked about in counseling, I'm still moving forward with the divorce. I believe that counseling was the right move, and I appreciate folks for recommending it. I don't think it's going to save our marriage, but it has helped me communicate my feelings, helped my wife understand where I'm coming from, and most importantly helped us be in a position to work together as co-parents.

First, let's talk about the things I learned about the situation in college. After talking to my wife in sessions and texting with two of her roommates, it's clear that her roommates knew something was up in college. They said they though the situation was weird and likely involved cheating. My wife had told them that we both had some wild times in college and worked it out before we got married, so they never really brought it up. The roommate who pulled me aside recently was uncomfortable with the fact that my wife clearly didn't talk it through with me, and wanted me to know.

As far as being introduced to guys she slept with, apparently that was not intended. For one of the guys, he ended up dating and then marrying one of our mutual friends from college. This is the guy she was in contact with. In the other situations, she initially blamed me in the counseling session, but has now agreed it was bad. When I went to visit her, she planned to hang out in the room or just hang out together alone, but I wanted to go to a few parties because in HS and community college, I didn't really have parties to go to. She didn't expect me to meet the guys, but they were at the parties and she felt she didn't really have a choice. I still think this is kind of shitty, but it's not as bad as her intentionally parading me infront of the guys.

Most of our discussion in therapy has been talking about why I think it's a big deal and she doesn't. She initially said that none of these guys were in relationships with her and it was mostly one night stands or FWB. Since she didn't view them as romantic relationships, she didn't see the big deal (her words not mine). My opinion is that we never said that was ok and she actively prevented me from doing the same. After digging into this across two sessions, and my wife talking to some friends, she now agrees that it was a breach of our trust/relationship. This is the shared understanding that has helped us talk about this situation more honestly and helped us get from arguing to talking (which is why I'm optimistic about co-parenting).

Now, here's why I'm 100% set on divorce. Two things came up that make me want to leave the marriage. First, about 10 years ago we went through a really rough patch and had a dead bedroom for about 2 years. She had expressed that our sex life was becoming boring, so I tried to spice things up (nothing crazy, just roleplay and like spencers gift level sex toys). Apparently, she had been hung up some sexual experiences that happened in college (that she is not comfortable talking about) and wanted me to try them, but when I did it made her feel awkward and guilty that it made her think of other men while she was with me. The fact that she's saying these experiences were meaningless, but they're still impacting our marriage tells me they meant more than she wants to say. Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. That was the absolute dealbreaker for me.

We have told our children that we're getting a divorce. We told them it was due to some bad decisions that we made in college that we're having trouble moving past. My 19 year old (who is in college) asked me if I cheated on my wife while she was away at college. My wife got a little shaken up, but admitted to the kids that she's the one who cheated. We have agreed to not share any additional details with the kids. I reenforced that both us will be there for the kids and that we are in therapy to help make sure we handle this in the best way for the family. I also told the kids that if they wanted to talk to either of us or a therapist about it, that I would fully support it.

We've started talking to a mediator about how to proceed with the divorce, and unless things change, we should be able to have an amicable divorce. We're both financially stable on our own, we have no major debts, and our kids are older, so custody isn't a major issue. This has been a shitty couple of months for me, but I'm doing ok now and I honestly am grateful that my last post blew up because it both validated some of my feelings, but also motivated me to go to counseling with my wife.

**New Update**

Final Update - 3.5 months later

Hey all, this is likely the final update on this account as things have mostly resolved.

My wife and I have completed our divorce and everything is official. We had an uncontested, amicable divorce with minimal disagreements. Our lawyers worked together to create the plan through mediation and a judge signed off on it a few weeks ago. In the end, the actual divorce process was pretty straight forward. The only complication was that our 17 year old was adamant about my having custody because their relationship with my ex-wife has really fallen apart as a result of this.

Initially my wife dug in her heals and was ready to give up on the uncontested marriage, but my son pretty much told her she could choose between letting him have a break for a few months to process and rebuild, or force him to live with her until he turns 18 and risk never seeing him again. I felt this was a bit harsh, but my wife backed down and we moved forward with my having primary physical custody until my son's birthday later this year. For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him. Fortunately, as the divorce moved forward he has been spending more time with my ex and I'm optimistic they will work through this.

In the end, we pretty much split our retirement and investments 50/50. For our house, my wife really liked the house and I didn't, so she kept the house and most of the furnishings and took out a mortgage to pay me back half of the equity and half of the estimated replacement value of the furniture. Pretty much all of our other stuff was either easy to split (my car and her car, my music gear and her hobbies, clothing, personal effects, etc) or we just agreed to sell it and split the resulting profit. Things were a bit easier for us because we had already documented most of our valuable items and electronics for an insurance rider we added to our home insurance a few years ago.

Things have been going well for me personally. Both of the kids spend most of their time at my place and we are still very close, which was my biggest fear in the divorce. I have a new house that I really love and I gave into the mid-life crisis urge and traded in my outdated minivan for a Lexus LC550. I even had a woman at work (not a close coworker) invite me out to a coffee date. While I was up front with her that I'm not ready to date just yet, she said she would be happy to take a rain check and would be happy to go out with me when I'm ready. I'm honestly thrilled because she's really smart, has a great sense of humor, and our positions at work are far enough apart that we don't really work directly with each other at all.

My ex and I are continuing to go through couples counseling together. We have transitioned into having closure on our marriage and making sure we maintain our relationship enough to be effective coparents. While these sessions have been great to help me process things and keep things as healthy/positive as possible given the circumstances, it has also reenforced that divorce was the right option. It's clear from some answers in the sessions that my wife immediately started dating once the divorce process started, so whatever love was there was clearly on the way out already. I'm pretty sure the coworker she was "just friends" with dropped her off at our recent session. The fact that it doesn't even really make me mad is a good sign that I was also probably done with the marriage.

In the end, it will take a long time for me to heal from the betrayal, but I feel like I'm making good progress and I can honestly say that the divorce was unquestionably the right decision. I've probably cried more in the last 4 months than I have in the last 20 years, but for the last month or so I fell genuinely good about myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying having my own life, been busy getting my 17 year old ready for college in the fall and looking forward to a coffee date with a smart, funny woman in a month or two.

Comments

Unique-Assumption619

Hang in there man, I’ve been following your story (first time commenter lol) but you’ve totally done the right thing, by yourself and your son.

Give yourself grace as you continue to process but as you said, you 100% did the right thing.

And hey, good for you for having what sounds like a lovely woman waiting for you. If anything, that proves you’re not only a good person, but others recognize you’d be a catch of a partner.

Keep living life, you’ll have loads of ups and downs but clearly you’re smart, capable, and strong. You and your son will come out alright, time is a great healer.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do not harass OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Friend’s sister (20’sF) was openly flirting with my husband (40M) in front of me (31F). I told her off publicly and now they want a public apology from me. What action should I take so that I don’t ruin my friendship?

Originally posted to

Thanks to u/ThinkerBelle for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, sexual harassment, obsessive behavior, slander

  March 12, 2024

I(31F) am close friends with Lisa (33F) we met at college, and became roommates and I love her to death. Lisa has a sister ‘Amy’ (20’s F) whom I’ve met occasionally in college but she was so young at that time we never really hung out.

Lisa had a bridal shower in February and I financially contributed to most of it since I wasn’t able to be there in person to help with the planning. I gave money to Amy to pay for everything, the decor, food and alcohol. I even paid for an overnight stay at a hotel for all 7 girls. I did all of this because I couldn’t make it to her bachelorette party the week before, I had also paid for the limo Amy wanted to host the party in. At the shower I saw Amy and she was gushing about how I had spent a lot of money on Lisa. I just said if it’s for Lisa I would have paid for anything. Amy was hinting that my job was paying so much money for me to spend on Lisa this much. I’m a new surgeon just graduated from residency, i got a pay bump but not a lot. I’m lucky because my husband is supporting me while I go through fellowship. My husband (40M) is a doctor too but so much more advanced in his career than me. For my wedding gift he paid off the remainder of my student loans. He is amazing and I am obsessed with him.

Wedding happened  in March, my husband and I came for the wedding. Family and close friends were invited to Lisa’s parent’s place for dinner after. Amy was very handsy with my husband even during the wedding she was asking him about his job how smart he was to be working in the ICU how hot he was how he looks like a young Alain Delon bla bla. My husband was giving me signals to come to him and I did. This happened at least 2 more times. At Lisa’s parent’s, Amy was wrapping her arm around my husbands back and was serving him drinks and food. I told Lisa’s mom about how Amy’s making me and my husband very uncomfortable and her mom pulled her aside and told her off i think because she came out grumpy. She was still acting like a crazed teenager because when we wanted to leave she wouldn’t give my husband his jacket back to him and kept sniffing it. I had a feeling that she was drunk and completely out of it. My husband raised his voice and told her to stop messing around and give it to him. I yelled “can you stop being so difficult you’ve been shamelessly flirting with my husband in front of me the whole day give me the damn jacket and leave us alone”.

I got a text from Lisa’s mom demanding I publicly apologize to Amy as in post on social media a heartfelt apology because some of the guests heard me yell at her and thought I was overreacting and humiliated her.

Lisa is on my side and told me Amy has always had gold digging tendencies and that this isn’t the first time she’d done something like this. She flirted with her friend’s dad and their next door neighbour who is married when she thought that they were wealthy. Lisa said that she’ll handle it. I already felt so bad I ruined the last moments of her wedding day and now she has to deal with this. I’m ruminating on this a lot lately and wondering if I should apologize to Amy. I don’t want to but then again if I did, I would explain exactly what happened and how it merited my reaction to her. Though this might add fuel to the fire. There is so much drama right now and I want to preserve my friendship with Lisa.

TLDR: friend’s sister flirting with my husband, i ‘embarrassed’ her and now she wants a public apology. I’m thinking of doing it but detailing exactly what happened and might paint her in a bad light. But all this drama could cost my friendship with my friend.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

jamicam

Are the guests at the wedding also your Facebook friends? I don't understand how a public apology on social media would work in this case... I mean, I imagine the guests include aunts, uncles, neighbors, etc., of the family. Are they really going to see your FB apology?

OOP

Her mom wants me to tag her and Lisa so that their family can see it. I don’t even use facebook anymore but her family are still active on it.

jamicam

If you don't use FB then there's your answer.

Lisa said she'll handle it. I'd let this alone.

  March 18, 2024

Keeping it as short as I can and typos galore cuz I’m oncall.

Previous post got so popular that Amy’s mom found it and texted me to take down (in all caps). I got around to read most of the comments a day after I posted when I finished my shift. I didn’t not apologize to anyone or did anything at all frankly I forgot about it since I had people close to dying on me left and right at work. I gaslit Amy’s mom into thinking that I never did such a thing and that I did not have a Reddit account (she believed it I think since she didn’t text me back, cmon the details I put in that post were exactly what she experienced and she didn’t find it odd?).

For clarification:

1. One of you said I had a spine of a jellyfish (loved that comment) and not apologizing was the right thing to do. I was hesitant and was actually considering giving that apology because of the fact that she fed me and let me stay in her home during thanksgiving and Christmas many years ago when I couldn’t go home to my family. I’m the kind of person who’ll remember every good thing you do for me and do my best to reciprocate or get even so as to not be indebted to you. Idk what kind of mental illness is that, I never retained much of the  psychiatric info from medschool.

2. A lot of people insinuated that me being docile and restrained in those kinds of situations makes me a bad surgeon to which i say i beg your effing pardon. Would you want someone who’s operating on you have a criminal record for causing bodily harm/homicide? Also I’ve dealt with worse than Amy I’ve survived handling 19 psychotic patients with TBIs for a whole rotation. Me being aggressive would have gotten me kicked out of my fellowship.

Things that have transpired:

1. I tried to avoid contacting Lisa since she went off on her honeymoon but because of the popularity of my previous post I decided to give her a heads up. Lisa was more than apologetic, in fact she facetimed me and we had a very teary conversation about her family. There were a lot more going on that I never knew but mine and my husband’s involvement in her family drama was the last straw. She had decided to go no contact with her mom and sister. She also warned me that Amy might approach my husband in some way but no idea how. She’s also getting her extended family involved about Amy.

2. My husband does not have any social media (so hot) and he did not give out his number to anyone at all during the wedding. He is anal about loyalty and transparency in our marriage. We have access to each other’s electronics. I know he would never cheat on me. 3 days ago someone called my husband’s clinic asking to get his number for an ‘emergency’ and that she needed to get a hold of his wife. The nurse who answered refused to give a physician’s personal number and the conversation got heated. My husband’s colleague, another intensivist, took over and asked her to tell him what the emergency was so that he could tell my husband himself. The person on the phone argued some more and when the doctor wouldn’t give she hung up. That friend told my husband what happened and said the woman didn’t give her name but had a very high pitched child-like voice. My husband immediately knew it was Amy but we have no proof. I know it was her, she must have searched my husband’s name on google and found where he worked since his professional profile is online along with the name of his hospital.

I’m getting more and more irritated by this whole thing and have gone full on mama bear mode over my husband. He was furiously annoyed after the wedding and was saying if the genders were switched he would have definitely gotten punched not even halfway through the wedding. My husband had terrible experiences with women before, two women at different times tried to baby trap him, one did some Sherlock level manipulation and one harassed us when we were dating. He is usually a cool and calm guy but now he hasn’t been smiling or joking around with me like he always does ever since the wedding.

Anywho, my uncle (our lawyer) was consulted, security at my husband’s dept and around our home have been notified. Thank you guys.

PS: Kelly if you’re reading this, do something about your younger daughter before something bad happens. Also you don’t deserve your older daughter.

Edit: a Moriarty level manipulation…now that makes more sense not sherlock tf

RELEVANT COMMENTS

I3ex_G

Damn, can your lawyer uncle draft a letter to scare Amy? Just outlining what she is doing is harassment and the outcome if she continues? Sounds like Amy might need mental help and threats of repercussions might force her mother’s hand to getting her help. Is the dad around? I hope other family members will start pressuring Amy to get help

OOP

Nope, we couldn’t prove it was Amy that called. We just have to wait and see if she does anything. Our only hope is that she stays broke and can’t afford to travel to where we live since it’s far from hers. Her dad’s dead. I hope so too.

~

procrastinating_b

Why’s everyone got an uncle lawyer lol

OOP

I’m half Asian. That uncle is Asian too. That should answer your question

Forsaken_Woodpecker1

I’m rolling this response is hilarious 🤣 

NEW UPDATE

  May 16, 2024

I’ll try and see if I can update on here since I cant update again on relationships advice. Posts are in my profile for now.

I’ve got so many dms wanting an update but some (legal things) happened since and I couldn’t tell especially since everyone that was involved knows about this post already.

We have the number of the woman who called but it wasn’t Amy’s number (I have her number) but she could’ve gotten another number. At that time, I was almost confident it was her so I got the name of the person the phone number was registered to. We’ll call her Cece Smith. What threw me off was this person had been using that number for 7 years BUT I later found out this woman lived/lives in the area Amy lives. I called Lisa to ask if she knew who Cece is and lo and behold Cece is Amy’s best friend. I told Lisa about the call to the clinic, she went silent, said she had to go and ended the call.

The next day (March 21st) Lisa texted me that she had gotten a verbal confession from Amy about the call to my husband’s clinic. Not only that, when everything happened right after the wedding, I had not blocked Amy from my instagram yet. She must have gone through my followers list and found my husband’s family, dm-ed them with ‘evidence’ that I was cheating on him. Wedding was on March 10th, the call was on March 15th, I blocked her March 16th.  Some time after March 10th she had found and gotten in contact with my MIL, 2 SILs and my niece who is 13 years old about my ‘infidelity’. There were skeptical thank God and contacted my husband on March 23rd. I swear to god this girl is so stupid i dont get why  she would waste her time on doing this and doing it very poorly at that. My SIL sent a screenshot of the chat from “mizz_(Amy’s real name)” to my husband and he wanted to throw his phone to the wall. Lisa sent me the recording of the entire call she had with Amy admitting to everything and some serious threats about what she would do to me. One of which that she was going to report me to my state medical board (no basis whatsoever like I said, she is an idiot, the premium kind).

We got in touch with my uncle (yes the lawyer who u guys were so baffled about seriously why is it so surprising that I have an uncle who’s a lawyer his wife is a lawyer and so is their daughter, they are a very righteous family idk what else to say), we sent a C&D letter telling Amy to not contact me, husband and in-laws  and I let my chief of surgery and head of my program know about this just in case.

March 29th she really reported me to the medical board (it doesn’t have to be doctor-patient related, a doctor could be harassing someone in the grocery store and a witness can report that doctor to the board, THAT is the purpose of creating this avenue to complain) even though they were warned about this, they still had to do the preliminary investigations on me and interview me to hear my side. Major pain in the ass for me especially since I’m 5-months pregnant. The case on me is closed.

April 3rd Amy dm-ed my niece again with ‘new evidence’ of my infidelity. My sweet niece ran to her mom who told my husband and me. We got a court ordered restraining order against her now. When all of this happened, Lisa was helping me along the way, the cherry on top was when Lisa had access to Amy’s email and her instagram (she never logged out), posted how she tried to homewreck a marriage and outing Amy online with screen shots and snippets of the phone call. Lisa changed her password and Amy couldn’t log in to delete it. Lisa made this known to her entire family and they are putting pressure on her mom (hi Kelly) to rein her in. I dont know the specifics but they are using the family inheritance or some heirloom as a bargaining chip for her to behave good. The girl has some mental issues for sure would love to give her a lobotomy.

I hope to god this is the last of this and Amy stays away from us but I have this gnawing feeling that she’s going to try something again. Lisa is the hero in this honestly, she’ll continue to keep an eye out to see if Amy starts shit again (if she does Lisa’s going to hire a hitman so she says).

I dont even know how to TLDR this. Read it or don’t. I hope this is the final update. To the people who don’t believe this happened it did happen but since it’s so unreal, i don’t blame you.

Ps- husband and I are going to couples counseling together as per advised in the comments of the prior post. We are doing very well, he’s planning an intimate gender reveal soon for me (he knows the gender since he’s a trained sonographer lol).

If there’s any question I’ll be happy to answer. Will delete this account in a few days

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My (37M) wife (35F)had a threesome with her best friend and husband years ago and they want to do it again. Now I don’t want them around us anymore.

  May 14, 2024

I’ve know this for a long time but when my wife was younger she had a few threesomes with her best friend and her husband (then boyfriend). This was years before we even met and she told me early in our relationship just so there would be no secrets.

I’ve never had a problem with my wife being around her best friend alone since the threesome didn’t involve much girl on girl but more sharing her boyfriend. And for that reason I’ve had trouble throughout our marriage being around both of them. I just have trouble having a normal conversation knowing that this guy has had sex with my wife.

My wife doesn’t think anything of it and is completely comfortable. It’s just something she did for a little while then stopped because she wasn’t into it anymore once the taboo thrill wore off. She can even talk about it with them as casually as she talks about a concert they went to. However she doesn’t do this when I’m around because she knows it makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway we were all together last weekend and her friend had gotten a little drunk and brought it up. My wife quickly shut her down but the impression I got was that there had been a lengthier conversation leading up to this that I didn’t know about.

Later on my wife told me that her friend and husband had asked if she and I were interested in doing something. They were down for whatever we were comfortable with. But my wife admitted that they really wanted her again but with me watching. My wife knows there is no way in hell I would be down for that and neither would she. My wife stopped doing that with them for a reason and that’s before she got married and had kids.

My wife has told me to just forget they said anything but holy shit how can I do that now? I swallowed being around them when these incidents were well in the past but now that they are openly lusting for my wife I don’t know if I feel comfortable with her or me being around them. Am I wrong here? How do I navigate this? I don’t want to tell my wife to break off her friendship but something I feel needs to be done.

TLDR: My wife had a threesome with her friend and husband and they want to do it again. Now I don’t want them around anymore.

EDIT:

Thanks for all the comments, I’m glad I’m not blow this out of proportion and my response is normal. For context I do want to add that they all were together 3 times and my wife stopped it simply because she stopped being into it. She only participated because her friend was bragging about her boyfriend’s skill in the bedroom and insisted that she try it. She did and she found that no amount of skill could overcome the fact that she wasn’t very attracted to him. My wife also really isn’t into girls. She participated with her friend but it was a first and last for her. Just not her thing. So I really am not worried about her doing anything with them because she had ample opportunity before we met and she passed.

Also, a lot of people are criticizing my wife from not telling me about the conversation but I’m actually fine with that. She said no for both of us, I’m not angry at her for that. I’m angry at them for trying to basically cuck me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CrazyHermit74

I think there is much more to this story.  I think it is down right strange that you and your wife are in contact with them let alone friends after you started dating wife.  I'm almost positive that there is more going on than you know.  Sure it is possible that your wife hasn't had any contact with either of them since you began dating.   But to me it really seems odd to be in a friendship with people that had sex multiple times with her.  Like others have said it is like an ex spouse or dating partner being friends with her while married to you.

OOP

Her best friend is a swinger. It’s just that simple. Her and her husband have sex with different people, sometimes together, sometimes separate. It’s just part of their lifestyle. It’s not how my wife is. In her early twenties when she was more sexually adventurous she was down for this stuff but that’s in the past.

OOP Further explains what they wanted

I’m I actually offended that they really want me to watch. Like that’s one of their kinks, to humiliate me. This guy wants to have sex with my wife, the mother of my children and look me in the face while he does it.

  May 16, 2024

After I posted I had a deeper conversation with my wife about her friends and expressed my discomfort about being around people that are lusting after my wife and fantasize about having sex with her in front of me. She said she understood how I felt but told me that there was absolutely nothing I should be concerned about. To my wife, her friend and her husband are not serious people. They are fun to be around but that’s it. She experimented with them in her early 20s but she was a different person then. She was very sexually adventurous in college and right after and did a lot of things she’d never think of doing now. She said she’s a 35 year old married mother of 2 with a serious career and she simply isn’t interest in behaving like that anymore. Not to mention that she is happily married and loves me.

While I understood all that and I do trust her. I told her that my point still stands. I am just not comfortable around them. My wife then asks if we could talk it out with her friends and if after that talk if I’m still uncomfortable then she will agree to whatever I am comfortable with.

So I agree and we meet last night at our house. They both apologize and swear to never bring it up again. But I can tell that neither think of this as a big deal and from their tone it seems like they think I am being overly sensitive. So I raise that point and they concede that they do think that I am being “silly”. They tell me that the time they had with my wife was a very memorable experience that they wanted to experience it again and simply asked if my wife would be interested in participating with me or with my approval. They say that they would have been happy to allow me to participate in any way I liked but did admit that their biggest fantasy was to basically double team my wife while I watched.

But my wife had no interest, they confirm that she shut it down quickly. They brought it up later while they were drunk because they figured maybe I would have some interest and if I did I could convince her to do it.

My wife’s friend then says that once I let go of my inhibitions she guarantees that I would enjoy myself. How they think I would enjoy any experience that involves someone else fucking my wife, whether I am actively involved or not is beyond me. I am about to say this when my wife jumps in. She tells them that I will not be enjoying anything. She says she’s not 22 anymore and has babies asleep upstairs. She tells them that neither of us will be fucking anyone else and she thought she made that very clear.

It got a little awkward after that and they left shortly after. My wife hugged me when they left and said she was sorry for asking me to talk with them. That was not how she expected that to go. We talked a little more and she admitted that hearing their stories is a fun escape and even got flattered when they would tell her how much they loved being with her. But admitted that it’s become a little too real and she could not stand the thought of watching me with someone else and understands how I feel. So we agreed to take a good long break from seeing them. My wife isn’t going to completely cut her best friend out of her life but we are going to manage how we see them. No more drinking, no more her alone with both of them in their home or ours. Shopping, lunch and similar activities is where she is going to keep the friendship and I can live with that.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

crazybitch_2000

Your wife is one in a million and didn’t deserve any of the hate she got in your last post. Neither of you have done anything wrong and you guys handled this situation perfectly 👌

OOP

Thanks, I never blamed her. She has been up front with me from the beginning of our relationship about the things she’s done.

~

When asked if he's sure the wife doesn't want to have threesomes anymore

My wife had ample opportunity before we met to do this again with them. She stopped it after 3 times and they tried for an entire year before we met to convince her to do it again but she said no. It just wasn’t something she was into. The girl on girl stuff isn’t her thing and she isn’t very attracted to the husband. Once the taboo of the whole thing wore off she was no longer interested.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

The Context:

to . The meme in full reads: “When you get a dental hygienist that doesn’t rip up your gums and rests her boobs on your head” with a smiling seal.

The meme sparks debate about wether or not it is needlessly sexualizing women who are just trying to do their job, if it was a thought that needed to be shared at all, and if everyone is just overreacting.

The Drama:

Someone objects:

Damn some of you are so sensitive. When you're older you'll understand

Oh no, a woman might learn she's intrinsically attractive and desirable! How will she ever recover?!

Do you think they don't realize what people are going to do when they push their boobs into other people's heads?

Idek what it means when people say somebody is “sexualizing women,” so he’s just being a dude?

Others demand people grow up:

Lol this is so funny. Men don't just stop enjoying boobs as they age. Also this is reddit. You're allowed to talk about liking boobs here. You don't just stop liking boobs when you turn 19 or however old you are lmfao

I still enjoy boobs... Not sure where you got the idea I don't. I just like being respectful more than blatantly enjoying something that the other person both hasn't consented to and most likely doesn't want to be doing.

Also I'm aware this is reddit and you're allowed to talk about liking boobs. But it's a discussion board and I'm allowed to call people out on their sexism or childish behaviors.

I'm 37 if that helps with you putting more words in my mouth.

So you think talking about boobs is childish. That's very strange.

If you can't figure out what I mean by now then I'm sorry for your struggles, it must be difficult.

Should some things be left unsaid?

Lmfao who hurt you

The cringe I felt from this post burst my kidney

it's cringe to call people cringe. second of all, it's actually kind of a self-report that you feel so uncomfortable about people talking about touching boobs. Like, you're the weird one for making it weird, know what I mean?

If you don't get how it's creepy, don't get married or have a daughter.

[Continued:]

I'll chop my balls off before taking advice from reddit about having a family lol but hey, hopefully you had fun posting your comment even if I will ignore it.

Do people need to touch grass?

i know, the amount of people who just casually sexualize their healthcare workers is fucking wild to me. i didn’t know it was this bad or this accepted, this comment section feels like a boomer group chat

Finding someone hot ≠ sexualizing

Get a grip on reality

it is sexualising when you fantasise about somebody's breasts while they are simply doing their job

I'm gonna say no. How I see the word, to sexualize is to reduce to only being a sexual object. No one I've seen here yet has thought of anyone in question as nothing but a sexual object. Plenty of people thinking sexually about someone else, of course. But they aren't ceasing thinking of them as people simultaneously.

It really creeps me out that so many people seem to think finding someone attractive is mutually exclusive with seeing them as a human. Makes me wonder what kind of horrors you commit in the bedroom

[Continued:]

You’re not fantasizing about them, you’re doing the exact opposite. Notice how one of the top comments said he had to start thinking about helldivers loadouts?

Having the initial reaction of “there’s boobs touching my head” then swatting it away is entirely normal especially when you consider the people in here are likely on the younger side.

Get. A. Grip.

Sexualising a person isn't an inherently bad thing obviously. This isn't a momentary thought before swatting it away though, this is a post on social media sexualising a stranger.

Consciously sexualising them long after the fact says something about the way that you view the people around you.

[…]

even the original post says “rests her boobs on your head”, i’m the one who needs to get a grip?

Yes you are.

Edit because he blocked me like a pussy:

Buddy’s most frequented sub is of 4chan posts no wonder he blocked me

ohhhhh asmon fan. gotcha

Bro you fucking blocked someone just to get the last word? God you're a weak little piece of shit. Grow tf up pussy

The Flairs:

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for threatening to divorce my husband if he doesn’t tell his parents we are married?

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, mentions of addiction and alcoholism

: May 14, 2024

You read that right - my (22F) husband (22M) and I have been married for 3 years now. To sum it up, we were both young, dumb, and going to enlist in the military to get out of our small town so we eloped to the courthouse. We were both gonna keep it a secret at first and reap the benefits from the military, see how our relationship went, and go from there.

Ended up not enlisting in the military so I told my parents we eloped a few months after. He never told his parents and I’ve been asking him to tell them. They didn’t have a good relationship when we got married and that is why he didn’t tell them. I gave him an ultimatum this past week that he has to tell them by the end of the week or I’m divorcing him because he’s crossing a boundary I have discussed with him multiple times over the past year. I am uncomfortable with them not knowing and I honestly feel like he’s not mature enough to be in a marriage if he can’t man up to tell them. He said he’s scared to hurt them and I countered that he needs to get it over with, that he’s also hurting me. His parents love me by the way and I’m ve been tempted to tell them myself but he always stops me.

Well, I gave him the ultimatum and he immediately became defensive, told me that if I didn’t want to be married to him that he would return the wedding set he just upgraded for me. He told me I was being an AH for pressuring him when he wasn’t ready. I told him that I wasn’t saying that at all, I’m just tired of him not being an adult which makes me question our relationship. I love him but it’s screaming red flags and I know I’m young enough that it won’t ruin my life if we divorce.

My parents have a big issue with him keeping it a secret too and have brought it up to him. The reason I haven’t already went home is because I live on the other side of the country away from both of our families and we have pets. However, he knows if he does not tell them by this Sunday that I will be making plans to move once my summer semester ends.

So, AITAH for threatening to divorce my husband because he won’t tell his parents we are married?

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: I didn’t tell him to man up in our conversation, it’s just a phrase I used in my post. Believe it or not, I do love him and I was actually very gentle with our conversation when we had it 😄.

Word for word I said “hey babe, you know I’ve had an issue with your parents not knowing we are married. I love you very much but at this point I feel like you’re ashamed of me and I’m confused. I have given you multiple chances and have decided if you don’t tell them by the end of the week, I’m going to make plans to move back home at the end of my summer semester.”

How was this conversation prompted? I received my new wedding set which he promised to send a pic to his parents to finally tell them and never did. I have brought up my feelings multiple times over the past year about this specific situation because I do want our relationship to work and to resolve this.

I am tired of not being heard. I, however, know now that threatening to divorce makes it seem like I want to get out of the marriage versus work on it.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs, YTAs, and ESHs

Relevant Comments

Actual-Clue-3165: Nta You're not pressuring him into marriage, I don't see why it's such a big deal for him to tell his parents when he's had 3 years to sit on it

OOP: I don’t know why it’s a big deal either which is making me more concerned… his parents love our relationship and have told me many times privately how supportive of us they are and they’re not intimidating whatsoever :/ they love him so much

OOP on if her husband is in military or school and if divorce will impact their life and degree

OOP: He’s neither, we decided not to enlist for him to go to college and he graduated last year. That’s why we live across the country, he works at a lab in California now. I’m currently still in college working on my bachelors degree thougj + It will be, I was in foster care so I have a full ride scholarship that also pays for any necessities I need! I’m doing fully online college atm to get pre reqs finished. I have a job too and have remained financially independent just because I was brought up that way so I’m not too concerned about it, main thing is our pets but I don’t want to separate if I don’t have to :(

OOP on if hers and her husband’s extended family knowing that they are married

OOP: My whole side of the family knows, all of his friends know, and one of his cousins know. I’m pretty sure his mom knows too but we don’t really keep in contact with her because of her lifestyle (addiction).

He just hasn’t told his dad or stepmom, the ones who raised him, but his relationship with his dad is weird. I was fine with it at first because I knew his dad was an alcoholic and they had a pretty bad relationship when we decided to get married as in they didn’t communicate. His dad was out drinking and he was home alone, that’s how his whole upbringing was.

I do want to add and feel it’s unfair that I didn’t add to my post that my husband worked really hard through college and has not taken the same path as his two parents. He struggles with communicating his emotions but outside of that he is really great- he is supportive, helps around the house, believes in me. I feel like an AH for not adding that to my post tbh because it allows room for people to see him as a bad guy.

However, I started having an issue with them not knowing for the past year because his dad and him have a much better relationship now. We spend every holiday with them, he talks to him all the time, etc, and he’s not an alcoholic anymore. Their relationship has been better for two years. I know that doesn’t redeem his dad btw.

My parents chalk it up to him being afraid to tell his dad because his dad possibly abused him (though my husband has said his dad was a great dad, he was just a drunk, never said he physically abused him but I believe his dad was very neglectful which is abuse) because that’s the only thing that could make sense rather than him just being scared/immature.

My parents do love my husband and are just as confused as I am. I really think he feels like it’s an awkward timeframe now to tell them, however he’s an adult and needs to own up to it especially knowing I’ve had an issue with it over a year. It’s hard because I try to justify his actions based on his past but I know if I do that I’ll let this slide which I don’t need to do any longer.

Sorry if that doesn’t make sense and is a jumble

: May 16, 2024

here is the original post:

I will begin with the update and then provide clarifications.

I told his parents today and they confirmed that they have known since 2021. They had a hunch and found the marriage license/deed online. They have been waiting for us to tell them and were just wanting a valid reason. No, my husband, did NOT tell them. I told them.

Our relationship is up in the air right now. Both of our parents know what is going on and we are trying to figure out how to move forward whether that be attending therapy together, one of us moving back to NC, or both of us moving back home. We are actively communicating on our future and whether that future will be together or not.

Here are some clarifications:

• No, we did NOT enlist.

• Yes, we were in love. We decided to enlist 6 months into our relationship and felt there was no point in waiting to get hitched because we could benefit from it as well. It wasn’t like the movie Purple Hearts lol! We were in a relationship before enlisting and thought it would get us out of our small town quickly.

• His mother struggles with addiction, his father was an alcoholic, and his stepmom raised him. He and his stepmom have always been extremely close. His father did not beat him, he was just absent because if he wasn’t working, he was drinking. Their relationship was bad in terms of not communicating with each other and his dad emotionally neglecting him by not being there. They communicate a lot better now and on a daily basis, we spend the holidays with them all the time and they call often. They made up. To add to this, both of my parents were addicts which is why I went into foster care and was adopted by my now parents who I refer to in my last post as knowing. I completely understand the struggles and complications of addiction. My main issue is his lack of communicating in general.

• I understand now that an ultimatum is not the best way to go about things when you want to make the relationship work. I let my emotions control me and gave him a harsh ultimatum. I am not sure if it will work out though. This is the hardest thing I’ve dealt with in my mere 22 years lol.

• Both of our parents are supportive if we choose to stay together or separate, they want us to make it work but there are no hard feelings if it doesn’t. They are offering as much support as possible. My main issue is I’m still the only one communicating which is why I’m hesitant to continue the relationship even though I love him.

• I did come off as pressuring and I realize that now.

• One reason I am having a rough time trusting him is due to finding out he was messaging OF models over the course of the past year and his reasoning was “we were having problems” which I wasn’t aware of. I didn’t want to include it in the last post because I didn’t want to seem like a complete idiot and make it fair on his image since he isn’t on Reddit to give his side of the story.

• No, he doesn’t know about the Reddit post because he broke his phone during our argument yesterday (no, I wasn’t yelling or cussing, neither was he).

Here’s to hoping it works out as it needs to. I’m sorry for any grammar mistakes, I’m pretty torn up right now

Relevant Comments

OceanBreeze_123: You did the right things. Did he ever tell anyone you two were married? Has he kept it a secret from everyone for years? If so, that along with the OF seems like he wants to be single.

This must be so hard, I’m so sorry OP.

OOP: He’s told everyone including his coworkers, friends, and cousins that we are married which made it confusing but thank you for your empathy 🤍

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

last paragraph

decrease in media literacy just means that we have to view media differently. It means that creators need to adapt to audiences valuing media as pure entertainment, and accept that they are either completely uninterested in or unable to comprehend the extra layer of deeper meaning they're weaving into the work.

It also means that people need to be receptive to information being given to them in a non-narrative format. Overall, I don't believe that a decline in media literacy is important so long as people can be taught to get correct information elsewhere, which is likely much easier than retraining everyone in media literacy.

Reddit Reacts

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long

- 19th February 2023

- 21st May 2024

I (26f) just found out I’m pregnant after having revenge sex with the fiancé (35m) of the girl (30f) who my ex boyfriend(32m) cheated on me with for 2 years.

My ex and I met when I was 20 but were only friends until we started dating 2 1/2 years ago. I found out last year that my ex had been cheating on me for basically our whole relationship with a girl he met through a mutual friend. I broke things off after I found out and told the girl’s fiancé about their affair, he ended up breaking off their engagement after he found out and she seemed nonchalant about it until she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his (my grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).

It’s not something I’m proud of now that I think back to it, but I did allow my ex to walk all over me for the first month or two after I broke things off because I missed him so much, I gave him money and tried to make things work but would always get reprimanded by my parents and friends when I’d run to them crying after he ghosted me for her, I didn’t officially give him up until the girl’s ex fiancé messaged me and told me that she was rubbing it in some of their old friends’ faces about how pathetic I was and how desperate I was for my ex who didn’t even give an f about me. I was really upset and asked him if he’d be willing to meet up with me because I knew that if I talked to my parents or friends about this, then they’d just lecture me even more. He agreed and the two of us met up at a random food cart place, we ended up spending most of the day just exploring and talking about how we were doing.

He’d also confided in me about his relationship with his ex, they’d known each other for 10 years and they’d liked each other for most of the time they were friends but he wasn’t looking for a relationship because he was focusing on school. He had decided to give them a chance after she’d driven 12+hrs overnight to him because they’d talked on the phone and he said he was feeling under the weather and was stressed from how vigorous his residency schedule was. She’d dropped everything to take care of him, help clean his place, and made him some home cooked meals after finding out that he was surviving off of vending machine snacks and instant coffee. He told me in detail about how he’d never felt so loved and cared for, how after she’d done that for him, he’d decided that she was the one; that if this wasn’t love, then love wasn’t real. Finding out that she was cheating for the last two years made everything click into place, she’d been pushing off getting married, telling all her friends that she was having doubts about him. He’d been trying to convince her into going to couple’s counseling when I broke the news to him that she was sleeping with my ex.

I felt like a monster, hearing their love story and then realizing that they didn’t get their happy ending because of my ex and I messed with my head. We continued to talk from time to time, checking in on each other and meeting up for quick bite every now and then, we lost contact after the girl my ex cheated on me with somehow convinced him to take her back. I became slightly depressed after he cut me off, explaining to me that he was still in love with her and wanted to work things out, which meant a clean slate.

I found out through some internet snooping that my ex cheated on her too, which was why she went back to her ex fiancé. A few months passed and things went back to semi-normal, I started getting therapy and was about ready to put myself back out there to try out the dating pool again when around new years I got a call from the guy, he was crying and asking if I was available to talk, I of course said yes and out of concern met up with him at his place. He broke down to me and told me about how he’d found her and my ex in his mom’s guest bedroom during Christmas when she’d snuck him in for a quickie during his family’s busy holiday party, all hell broke loose when he’d found them in the guest bedroom after spending 20mins looking for her everywhere. We drank a bit and ended up having sex, he apologized and told me that it was a mistake and he wasn’t in his right mind, that he just wanted revenge sex but it didn’t make him feel any better after. I tried to message him platonically a few times after to see if he was alright but he blocked me, so I dropped it and went on with my therapy and life. I went in last week to check with my doctor since I’d been getting bad cramps and to get a new prescription refill for my birth control that I use to help with my PCOS, I had to do a usual test to double check for the possibility if I was pregnant and was very surprised when it came back positive.

I have been sitting on this new knowledge and have been contemplating on if I should tell him, not tell him, or if I should even keep the pregnancy. My doctor did inform that since I am still in the earlier stages I am still at a big risk of having a miscarriage, so I don’t know if I should even be worrying at all about all of this since there is a chance that I could lose it, and then it’d just seem like I was trying to grab at his attention or something, especially after he’d made it clear to me that he wasn’t comfortable talking to me anymore after we slept together. I haven’t told anyone and have been going crazy because I don’t know what to do.

Comments

LostArm7817

God you’re all idiots. Also that’s not what revenge sex is.

[deleted]

Yeah that was self pity sex.

Update - 15 months later

A lot has happened since my original post.

I know a lot of people were against this, but I went through with the pregnancy and I am forever thankful for my beautiful baby. I had originally planned to get an abortion, but I found myself unable to go through with the appointment. (I am pro-choice and always will be. Just because I chose to keep my baby doesn’t mean another woman/girl should be forced to keep a pregnancy they do not wish to continue. Everyone has a right to their own bodies.)

My parents were very upset with me and my whole family disowned me. I listened to what some of you said about letting the father know (will be referring to him as ‘D’), after many failed attempts to reach out to him I decided to go in person. D was not happy when I showed up at his place but when I told him why, he agreed to talk with me. D let me know that he’d officially ended things with his ex and wanted to go no contact with me because I was another tie to his past with her, but he was willing to try and figure out a co-parenting plan with me if I agreed to a paternity test first.

I of course felt a bit bad about the paternity test part but agreed to it since we both had only been acquaintances that bonded over our trauma. Everything was honestly easy cruising until I started to spot around the 26 week mark, my OBGYN explained that while spotting is normal while pregnant, mine was heavier and my blood sugar/blood pressure also both worried them because of gestational diabetes and preeclampsia risk.

After a few nights of D insisting on sleeping on my couch, I had him help me move some of my things to his place since he lived closer to the hospital. I am very thankful I decided to semi-move in with him when I did bc I went into premature labor at 32 weeks. I am very thankful to have had D and his family as my support system; his mom would come and switch out with him at the hospital and advocated for me whenever I felt washed out or unheard, she helped me both emotionally and physically and stood by me.

D’s mom also helped me work through my emotions when all I wanted was my mom (she and my dad had gone no contact with me after I decided to keep and have my baby). D’s mom was an absolute godsend also because she’s a retired nurse (she started in OB, went to NICU and eventually later settled into lactation before retiring) and explained things to me when we found out that my baby had respiratory problems and had SUA (single umbilical artery) and that it could’ve been a factor into why I went into premature labor.

She stayed with D and I so she could help me with pumping since I wasn’t able to produce milk and encouraged me when I felt like such a failure for not being able to take care of my son when he needed me most, she drove me to and from the hospital while my son was in the NICU because I was healing and so mentally/physically exhausted. I really and truly believe that I didn’t fall into deep postpartum depression because she held me and helped me with each step and was always so patient with me, even when I wasn’t with myself. D’s mom would constantly remind me that nothing was our fault and no one did anything wrong, it just that everyone is faced with hardships in life and this was one we’d work together to get through.

My son graduated from the NICU and came home a month after I did, D’s mom visited us often and helped with him since D and I are first time parents. D’s dad joked that he felt like she and I had the baby together and he and D were both just background characters that make guest star appearances every now and then since D was working so much in order to build more PTO and his mom wouldn’t bring his dad along when she’d come visit since she didn’t want him to disturb me and the baby with his loudness (D’s dad is hard of hearing and can sometimes be unaware of his volume so he took no offense to it).

D’s siblings and family members posted a lot about our son because he was the first grandchild and first baby in a long time, D’s youngest cousin is 17 (turning 18 this year). Somehow someone must’ve shared a photo or something, but pictures of us reached my family and my parents demanded I let them meet my son. D was supportive of whatever I chose to do and said he’d agree to them meeting him if that’s what I wanted.

After thinking about it for a few days I decided that I wanted to talk to my parents before I let them meet my son; when we met up to talk, my parents were offended that I didn’t bring my son with us and left him with D’s parents, they said some really hurtful things and then my dad started to question on when D was going to ask him for permission for us to get married since we didn’t already have a shotgun wedding while I was pregnant. I was okay with them insulting me since I’d grown up with it and was used to it, but once my parents put their target on D and his family I became upset and decided it was time for us to leave.

My parents did try to petition for legal visitation rights (honestly, before this whole ordeal, I did not even know that grandparents rights existed), but were denied because my son is still very young and because both D and I are very much on good terms, are living in the same household, and they couldn’t find or prove that there was any danger to our son’s wellbeing.

My family did try to reach out to us and claim that we were horrible people for denying my parents their grandchild, but no one ever seemed to be able to make a peep when D’s family would defend us and point out that my family had been the one to disown me and that no one cared to see if I was okay until after I had the baby and everything was handled. D’s mom and my mom got in a verbal (almost physical) altercation after my mom had made false reports to cps and called the police to do multiple welfare checks on us, my mom was given a warning by the police for harassing us after one specific incident where she threw a tantrum and caused a scene when the police found nothing wrong in the welfare check and refused to listen to her demands to have my son temporarily taken away from us and put in her custody ‘for his safety’. D and I currently have restraining orders pending against my parents and certain family members.

One of the reasons I decided to update is because about two months ago a friend of D’s asked him out to have some drinks and they ran into his ex-fiancée who later messaged him to tell him that she regretted the way they ended and how she was very hurt when she heard that we had a baby together, especially with it being so soon after their relationship. D wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt, and when I asked him he just brushed me off or switched the conversation onto a topic about our son that he knew would distract me.

I noticed D pulling away from me and how our relationship became a bit awkward and strained after their run in and her message because I know he still has feelings for her and I am afraid that he might feel trapped with me and our son. I also noticed that the drama with my family has made D and his family less patient with me and my son, during Mother’s Day I overheard a few of his family members make comments to D about me being at their family barbecue since ‘I was just my son’s mom’ and ‘not really’ part of the family, D just shrugged and said I didn’t have anyone else to spend the day with.

With how tense things have been, I have been thinking about moving out and back into my place. I stayed with D at his place after I gave birth, but now that our son is slightly older and I am healed, I want to give D back some space so that he can start dating again if he wants to and to give him back some more ‘bachelor’ time when I have our son. I want to find a way to approach me moving out and us making a coparenting plan without making making things more awkward or possibly ruining the relationship I have with D and his parents, I don’t want them to feel like I’m not grateful or anything, but I do want to go back to work and get my life back on track so that I can provide my portion of needs for my son and not want to depend on his family for more than appropriate.

Comments

Candid-Quail-9927

Be honest and tell him exactly what you said here that it’s time for you to start to get your life back on track and also give him back his life. That you will always be coparents and how special and important his parents are to you and your son. Tell him that you want a health relationship with him as your sons father and wish him the best same as he would for you. Just be honest as you find your new normal.

Dear_Parsnip_6802

I think he will most likely appreciate you moving out and things getting back to a co-parenting situation. I don't think he will take offence or feel you are ungrateful. At the end of the day you are doing it to benefit him and his family.

Your son is lucky to have 2 parents who love him and who have a mutually respectful relationship.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for not telling my wife about an incident with her best friend

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: mentions of domestic violence, manipulation, accusations of infidelity

: May 15, 2024

I want to be very sensitive when writing it here, but I have been dealing with unbearable guilt and wanted to know if what I am doing is wrong. I really do not want to trigger anyone, but I will be writing about a very sad situation.

I (33M) have been married to my wife (31F) for 6 years and we have a 3-year-old kid. We are very happy together and I am lucky to be married to a very kind and smart woman. My wife's best friend Ana (fake name for anonymity) has been living with us for the last 6 months.

I wanted to talk about Ana to give a full context of why I am making my decision. Ana is my wife's best friend since school days. Ana was living in the city with her boyfriend, and we live in the suburbs of that city. They seemed happy together and were in relationship for 2 years.

However, my wife noticed bruises on Ana's hand last year and asked her about it. Initially, Ana dismissed it as work related injuries. My wife kept on probing, and we learned that Ana was in an extremely toxic and abusive relationship. Her boyfriend lost his job last year and became extremely controlling and abusive towards her. He constantly accused her of cheating (Ana denies it), made her link her phone messenger to his computer and started micromanaging finances. There was an incident of domestic violence that was the final straw and my wife, and I had to rush to the hospital to look after Ana.

Since Ana's parents are mostly absent from her life, my wife asked me if Ana can stay with us for a few days. We are three people living in a 4-bedroom house and have two spare guest rooms. I of course agreed to it and told her that Ana can stay with us as long as she wants. I think the incident completely broke Ana and she would just start crying randomly and completely shut down. It was really sad to see Ana in that state. She had to leave her job due to mental issues and stayed at home in the room all day.

My wife is very kind and took care of Ana like she was family and made sure she felt loved. Ana is also thankful to my wife and I to help her in her worst time, and helps around the house and with our kid (though we never leave him alone with Ana). Ana, now is coming back to normal, smiles sometimes and has started looking for job again.

Now onto the incident. Last Friday, my wife and I went to work as normal and dropped our son at daycare. I had a doctor's appointment at noon and came straight home from there as I did not have a lot of work in office. I made some lunch, and then went to my room to sit in my bed and reply to all the emails. Ana was in her room, and I did not talk to her after I came home.

Around 2pm, I heard Ana's room door open and her walking in the hallway. Suddenly, our bedroom door opened, and Ana walked in topless and just in her underwear. I was shocked and not sure how long I was staring at her. But after a few seconds, I blurted out "I am sorry!", and she quickly covered herself with her hands. She was apologetic and started explaining herself. She said she just wanted to borrow my wife's clothes because her laundry was unwashed. It was super embarrassing to have conversation with her in that state and I looked away. She again apologized and then went out of the bedroom. The incident lasted less than 2 minutes.

After a while, she again came back into our bedroom (fully dressed) and apologized for the incident. She said it was really embarrassing and she did not know anyone will be home. I said it's ok and I should have told her I am back early from office when I came home. She asked me to not mention about the incident to my wife. She said she feels embarrassed she walked around the hallway without clothes and that I saw her in that state. I said it's ok and lets forget about it.

I have not told my wife about the incident and it's been 5 days. It was just a benign incident, but I somehow feel guilty about the whole thing. I feel more guilty that I am lying to my wife by omission of the truth. However, I feel that if my wife takes it the wrong way, it may strain her relationship with Ana, and I really feel bad for Ana what she had to go through. I also do not want to make Ana uncomfortable in our house by telling my wife about her barging into our bedroom in that state.

Am I the AH in this case for not talking about this incident to my wife. I am afraid that if Ana tells it to her first, it will make me look really bad and guilty. However, if I tell her, I do not want her to blame Ana for any of this and not help her in time of her need. Can someone please help me on how I can tell my wife about this?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was YTA and was advised to talk with his wife

Comments

OOP on multiple redditors who advised him to talk with his wife and not keep it as a secret from her if the incident was really bothering him

OOP: Thanks. This is really helpful.

May be I am overthinking this, but I have read that in these situations, the victim's trust in men is very fragile. Would it be horrible if I tell my wife after I told Ana I would not mention about this incident? Should I talk about this with Ana first?

Icy-Doctor23: YWBTA if you do not tell your wife. Never keep secrets as a team with your house guest against your wife!

Disastrous-Oven-4465: Ana needs to tell her PDQ. She also needs to stay out of your bedroom.

Do NOT keep the secret. That’s what will destroy your relationship.

I’ll try to give Ana a pass but some small part of me thinks she knows what she’s doing and asking you to keep it a secret is part of that.

(Editor’s note: PDQ = pretty damn quick)

May 16, 2024

that happened between my wife's best friend who is currently staying at our house. I was not sure how to bring it up to my wife and you guys really helped me a lot in understanding the urgency of telling my wife. I also got some cool ideas on how to bring up the subject without making it awkward for anyone. For everyone saying Ana was doing it on purpose, I did not agree with it as I am an extremely average looking person and woman don't chase me. However, things since last night have been just crazy and I think I am spiraling a bit. Sorry for the long post.

So, I decided to tell my wife last night as soon as she came home about the incident. I liked the idea of jokingly bringing up casually so that we both can laugh about it and then forget it. Last night, when my wife came home, I made sure I stayed in our bedroom. I asked Ana if she could stay with my kid downstairs.

As my wife was changing, I asked her if Ana still borrow her clothes. Ana had to borrow them regularly when she first moved (long story). My wife told me yes and she has told Ana she can take anything from her closet if she needs it. I asked my wife if Ana told her about the funny incident from Friday. My wife said no, and I told her the whole story about how I came home early, and Ana came in the room almost naked to get her clothes, and how embarrassing it was for both of us.

As my wife was listening to this, she completely froze and turned pale. She started murmuring in Spanish (which is her and Ana's native language). I don't understand Spanish really well, but I understood the words "hombre casado" and "orta vez". I asked her if she is ok, and she sat next to me and asked me to explain everything in detail. I just told her it was nothing and she must have not heard me coming in. I was trying to laugh it off, but my wife had water in her eyes. I kept on telling her it was not a big deal, but she kept on asking me for more details. She asked me how Ana talks to me. I told her that Ana barely talks to me since she moved in except few words here and there.

My wife then asked me about three weeks ago when my wife had gone to visit her parents for four days. Ana did not want to go with her and stayed back. I told her that Ana was just acting normal. She or I would cook dinner after I got home from work while the other took care of the kid. The only thing different was Ana generally spending her evening in her room. However, when I was sitting in the living room watching TV after the kids slept, Ana came and sat on the sofa next to me but did not talk to me. I asked her if she wants me to change the channel or stream something she likes, and she just said she wanted to get out of her room. However, she did not flirt with me or do anything unusual.

I kept on telling my wife that it was just an accident, and I really did not understand why she reacted so emotionally to it. My wife refused to answer and just said ok and agreed with me. However, she told me I should have told her about the incident sooner and should not keep any secrets from her and gave me a big lecture. I told her that I did not think it was a big deal and thought Ana would tell her, but glad I brought it up.

After dinner, my wife messaged Ana to join us, and she came out. While talking, my wife brought up the incident and told Ana that I mentioned about the incident, and she does not need to feel embarrassed. Such things happen when we are all in the same house and is not a big deal. Ana was firstly taken by surprise, but then told my wife she was just scared to tell her because she thought my wife would judge her because of her past. My wife gave her a stare, and she quickly changed the topic.

At night, I asked my wife what the hell was going on. I told her to please not keep any secrets from me, and if she does not tell me, I will directly ask Ana about what her past has got to do with anything. My first guess was Ana might have had a thing for me before we got married or something. But my wife was very reluctant to answer and kept on trying to change the subject and cuddle. However, I kept being persistent, and she finally spilled the beans.

Apparently, when Ana was in her early 20s, she was in relationship with a married coworker who was twice her age. It was a kind of sugar daddy relationship, and he told her that he was in an open relationship (or that's what Ana told my wife) and he would leave his wife in few years once the kids go to college. This makes sense now, because Ana is very pretty (like Miss USA level), and I never understood why she was single for most of the time I knew her. She eventually ended that relationship and started dating her boyfriend Jim, who turned out to be an abusive asshole.

My wife said she suspects Ana was still involved with the older guy while in relationship with Jim, which explains why he kept on accusing her of cheating. That is why my wife became emotional when I told her what Ana did because she was worried Ana has no boundaries regarding married men. My wife said that Ana always looks up to us and praises me for being such a loyal partner and how lucky my wife is.

My wife was a worried initially when she brought Ana home, but her actions from the time when my wife was away clearly show that she respects the boundaries, and it must have been an accident. My wife told me she is grateful I let Ana live in our house and observe what a healthy and happy marriage looks like.

Today morning was even more weird. I got up early as I could not sleep well and went down for a cup of coffee. After 5 minutes Ana walked into the kitchen and told me she was relieved my wife did not overreact to Friday incident. She said I am a good husband and gave me a hug and peck on the cheeks. She has never hugged me in the last 6 months. She seemed to be in a happy mood and was making small talk with me while having coffee.

I cannot believe my wife did not tell me such a huge detail about Ana for all these years. It's completely possible she cheated all through the relationship with Jim, and my wife is just covering for her all along. She even kept it a secret from me (after giving me a lecture about how we should never have secrets), and I don't know what else she is hiding. Everything just seems very confusing at this point. I feel angry at my wife for lying to me all these years for Ana. I also now see Ana differently. I am also worried that me trivializing the incident to my wife might have sent wrong signals to Ana.

Relevant Comments

Tundra-Queen8812: Ana needs to go before her own messed up issues lead her to further mess with your marriage. She was testing OP again with the hug and kiss on the cheek and I didn't see OP writing that he told his wife about that new development. She's gotta go before she pushes to the next level.

OOP: Yes. I am also a bit mad at myself for trying to casually describe the event as some of the redditors advised and not talk about the fact that she was in the room for a lot longer. I was worried that my wife would be pissed at me. Now I wish I told her all the details and did not make it sound trivial. My wife now trusts Ana and I am getting more uncomfortable.

OOP responds to multiple redditors on telling his wife about the hug and kiss

OOP: I agree with the hug and kiss part here. It is not uncommon for my wife's friends to kiss me on the cheek when they meet me. I am not from that culture, and initially used to make me uncomfortable. But, something about today morning with Ana waking up so early, coming down in her bed clothes and sitting with me rubbed me the wrong way. I am not able to point out exactly what, but she was acting differently (for a lack of better word, she looked happy for the first time since she moved into our place).

OOP: I have not told my wife yet. Things were a bit icy between us since yesterday as I am still upset at her for keeping secrets from me for all these years. I know its Ana's personal life, but I feel a bit betrayed that for all these years, she knew Ana was with a married man and never even mentioned it to me. We had a talk in the evening, and she apologized, but then we both dropped the subject and took our son to the playground as the weather was finally nice and had an amazing time.

However, I plan to tell her as soon as we both are alone at night. As I said in the comments, I do not think she will mind since it's not uncommon for her friends to give a quick peck on cheeks when saying hello. Infact, I was not comfortable with it at the start, and now am used to it. Her mom, cousins, friends, everyone kisses me. There are also weird rules, where married women like my wife just hug, but non-married friends give a kiss (unless you family). Also, only girls give a kiss, but men don't kiss girls on cheeks (I learned that the hard way). I am not Latino (Columbian to be exact) and may be someone who is familiar can explain the rules here so people who don't know the tradition won't misinterpret it as anything sexual.

Also, I never keep anything from my wife, and hence I felt so guilty about my actions over the last week. I am sure I will mention it to her before the end of the day.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

May 23, 2024: czech is testing something.

Update! May 23, 2024 - 5 minutes later

Thank you for being part of the test. So the suggested sort option is available if I schedule posts, so the LFP thread should hopefully be sorted by new next month. Why is the option hiding there? No one knows.

Banned due to being unmoderated.

First post here, so sorry if this sucks. It's minor drama in an otherwise drama-free subreddit, but I felt it had enough to put here. I made one comment on this but wasn't heavily involved, so I hope that's fine.

The Context

is dedicated to discussing the Arma series, primarily Arma 3 and the sequel testbed Arma Reforger. Like many simulation games, Arma 3 has lots of DLCs (about 19 so far), but they're all fairly good and add a plethora of content to the vanilla game. Of the DLCs, a handful are viewed in very high regard. Apex (Pacific spec-ops), S.O.G. Prairie Fire (Vietnam War), Western Sahara (lore-friendly desert warfare), Contact (non-canon alien sci-fi), Tac-Ops ("meanwhile" mission pack occurring alongside the base game's campaign), Laws of War (Red Cross-backed humanitarian non-combat story campaign), and Global Mobilization ("Cold War gone hot" 1980s Germany) are generally considered the best for their content and popularity, and are viewed quite fondly. So fondly, in fact, that perhaps not liking them is a cardinal sin to others...

The Drama

This morning, a user posted to the sub. Recall those DLCs I listed, because out of all of them, only Tac-Ops got to the top tier alongside Tanks and Helicopters (which both added a couple of their titular vehicles and improved gameplay mechanics for them, but not much else). Notably, Apex and S.O.G. Prairie Fire were in the middle tier, even though the community generally considers them the best DLCs. "Pretty good" might not be pretty bad, until you realize the only ones below it are Marksmen (added cool infantry weapons), Karts (a joke DLC that barely counts), and CSLA Iron Curtain (which was so bad the devs apologized and offered full refunds). So yeah, that's not a great position to be in.

• . The sub quickly agrees that and that , because . , , and gets a total of 200 downvotes for their troubles (not entirely unwarranted; the reasoning was basically "Apex didn't have armored fighting vehicles, and S.O.G. did but not the one I wanted"). Their second response also for judging entire game expansions based on the presence of specific armored fighting vehicles. and is told off because if you post on Reddit, you should expect criticism. Fair, I guess.

• . OP states this is because they prefer vehicular combat over infantry combat, which , apparently based on the implication that Arma 3's tank simulation doesn't count as real tank simulation.

• . , prompting a user to bring up the stock response of the Reddit hivemind, sparking a brief argument about what upvoting and downvoting is even supposed to mean.

• . When OP sends a passive-aggressive reply advising them to make their own tier list, the user responds with the , which was long thought to be extinct.

• . OP states this is because it didn't include vehicles they wanted, but also because "SPAAs dont work as they should". When the user asks what they mean by that, OP states it's because you can only aim them manually when the real ones used automatic radar-guided aiming... , meaning it's not the DLC's fault to begin with.

• . When OP repeats that they aren't quite fond of infantry, by noting the Helicopters DLC added just three helicopters, while the Marksman DLC added a bunch of weapons and ghillie suits for infantry, which OP already said they didn't like. Upvotes suggest the sub thinks this is a pretty good response anyway.

• . Mind you, it has plenty of vehicles, being WWII and all, so it's got a lot of what OP seems to like. OP's downvoted response: they don't really care for WWII.

And finally, the best for last:

• . When OP states this is their actual personal opinion, ; upvotes suggest the sub agrees with this general sentiment. OP's response to this is removed by the mods, but after a brief back-and-forth, nothing is accomplished and the status of OP's existence as a conscious human being is left unresolved, though the topic has apparently been made a subjective matter.

OP has since deleted their account.

The Flairs

So im just wondering. I see over 500k members here but 22 online. Does not make sense to me. Is everybody just bots here also, like on Twitter?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Inconclusive

2 updates - Medium

Thanks to for finding this BORU

- 15th April 2021

- 21st April 2021

- 27th May 2021

Buyers want us to waterproof basement??

We listed our house on the market and got an offer 2 days after listing. Our agent advised us to accept the offer although we had a lot of showings lined up. They offered us $2k over asking and are coming in with a VA loan. They did the inspection and said that we had water moisture issues in the basement. We have lived in this house for 4 years and never had water or any leaks in our basement.

Also our basement is unfinished. They came back with asking us to have the basement waterproofed and provided a $16k quote to do it. On top of that they want us to replace the sump pump and existing outlet covers and to leave our doorbell camera behind. For a house that we are selling for 279k in a hot sellers market this seems to be a bit much. I told the agent we will not be waterproofing the basement for them and at that point we’d rather finish and stay here ourselves. Am I wrong to feel like these buyers are asking for a lot??

UPDATE** so I spoke to my agent this morning and he wants us to stay in contract with them because he worries that if we relist we have to disclose why the previous buyers walked away and he thinks that may give us problems finding a new buyer. He doesn’t want us to waterproof the basement but wants us to get our own inspection of the basement so we have ammo if future buyers ask about the basement moisture. I’m worried if I keep prying and inspecting the basement it may eventually turn into an issue.

He also said replacing sump pumps isn’t expensive and we shouldn’t back out over $300. I told him I want to be done with this and to let the buyers know ASAP that we won’t be waterproofing. I feel like he’s stalling until we do our own inspection. What a nightmare. I honestly feel like throwing in the towel and pulling our house out the market.

UPDATE #2: our inspector came through today and used his meter and as we suspected there wasn’t really much moisture in the walls other than the corner of one wall where outside we have a downspout from the gutter. He suspects its clogged and advised us to have it unclogged by accessing it from the sump pump. Says a plumber can do it for less than $500.

He also says we don’t need to replace a working sump pump. He was also taken aback at the buyers attempt to jump from figuring out what’s causing the moisture to just wanting us to waterproof the entire basement. He told us the basement does not need to be waterproofed as there is no evidence of water in the basement in the form of efflorescence or pooling. I’m glad he came out. He’s going to write a report of his findings and recommendations and we are sending it off to the buyers.

Comments

NotYetiFamous

Saying no is fine. Not every agent is really on their client's side - they get paid when the sale closes so they have a perverse incentive to get it closed ASAP.

turtlefuzz1903

I agree. Right now at a 3% commission they are getting $8400 of a $279k sale. If the sale price jumps to $300k they only see a $600 bump. That $600 probably isn’t worth it to them for all the extra work. It’s a numbers game that doesn’t benefit the client.

Update - 6 days later

So as promised I’m here with the update.

Long story short we listed our 4bd 2.5 house for $277k. We got an offer for $279k after only 2 days on the market. Agent pushed us to accept. Buyers were using VA loan. They did their inspection and said there was moisture in our basement so they had a waterproofing company quote them $16k to waterproof the basement.

We would have also been responsible to fix the landscape. Our basements never flooded or had any water issues in the past 5 years we lived here. Our prior inspection also notes basement is in above average condition. We got our own inspection done and were advised there was just a little moisture in a corner of the basement wall due to clogged downspout.

Would cost less than $500 to unclog and again no other crazy issues. We sent back our counter and said no way to waterproofing the basement but would credit them $1000 to have the basement drylocked and downspout unclogged. Happy to say they cancelled the deal! I’m so relieved. We are gonna relist and hopefully get better offers than this nightmare.

UPDATE we relisted our house and got an offer right away. 10k over asking and they just did their inspection. THEIR INSPECTOR SAID OUR BASEMENT WAS IN ABOVE AVERAGE CONDITION WITH NO MOISTURE ISSUES!!!! I’m over the moon!!! They just want us to fix the front steps which we will just give them a credit for. Now to wait for the appraisal.

Comments

Chronocast

And a new agent that won't bully you into a bad deal right? Happy it's worked out for you.

OOP: Unfortunately we have a year long contract with him. But he’s doing it my way this time around. Multiple showings and accepting offers until xx day and time and we pick which one we like.

KingOfAllWomen

But he’s doing it my way this time around. Multiple showings and accepting offers until xx day and time and we pick which one we like.

This is how everyone is doing it now and market is too hot not to.

SIL offered 6k over asking and it went to someone else. God only knows what they offered.

Get your $$$ man.

Also the thing about a super hot seller's market - you don't get to make ridiculous inspection demands like that. Just say it's being sold as is lol.

Talk me off the ledge - 1 month later

I have been absolutely feeling miserable for the past week. I just gave birth a week ago and I don’t know if it’s hormones or what but please bear with me. You have seen my posts here before about listing my house and wanting to upgrade our space. We finally sold our house for 8k over asking, inspection went great and the house appraised.

Awesome right? Well we have until June 30th to find a new home and have gotten all 6 offers rejected back to back. I’m starting to feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake selling my house. What was I thinking??? June 30th is creeping up and we are left with two options. To move in with my brother in law with my 4 kids including a newborn and stay patient or to settle for less than our perfect home. None of these situations are ideal.

The whole point of us selling was to upgrade our house. But now it is looking like we might have to get the same exact house we have and pay double the mortgage which I absolutely don’t want to do. How bad would it be if I decided to cancel the sale of my house? What consequences would I have to pay. I’m ok paying back the inspection fee and appraisal fee to the buyers. But I have been crying about this all week and I just need some clarity.

Comments

nuggstein

Were you able to back out of selling your home, or terminate the contract with your agent?

OOP: So after we seen a house hit the market a couple of days ago I reached out to him to write an offer. It was a Hail Mary offer as we only offered 10k over ask (house was priced very high to begin with). The house went to pending less than 12 hours going live. I find out he never wrote the offer because he thought 10k over was not enough to win us the house.

He didn’t consult with us he just simply didn’t write the offer and we lost the house. That sent me over the edge so I called him this morning and told him if we can get under contract by the end of next week then we are cancelling our sale and consequences be damned. I told him the fact we haven’t gotten a home and it’s going on 4 months is scary and I don’t have any faith in him to act on our behalf. I also told him renting is not feasible and I don’t want to be homeless with 4 kids. He sounded very understanding and said he can empathize with us. He said he is going to reach out to the buyers agent to see if we can come to an agreement and they may let us stay longer to find a home. I told him if we can get an extension then I’d rather cancel. I hope at the very least this lit a fire in him that he’s about to lose his commission and take us and our offers seriously.

nuggstein

I just read this to my wife. She said that your agent not submitting an offer was completely ILLEGAL (at least in New Jersey) and your agent would lose his license. It doesn't matter what your offer was, he was obligated to write one and send it on your behalf. This is crazy. Does he work for a well known firm?

OOP: Yes a very well known firm. This isn’t the first time he’s not written an offer. One other time he told me he contacted the listing agent and gave a verbal offer that was declined. I’m dealing with all of this and a newborn and then you have my indecisive husband on the other end sending me homes that are in the worst shape and claiming that we will never agree on a house. Now he’s saying he doesn’t want to move and have a bigger mortgage payment. Like it’s just a mess

nuggstein

My wife said since he works for a large firm (and at least in NJ, where buyer-agent contracts are rare), if one exists, you usually sign a contract with the firm and not the individual. You should reach out to the firm, let them know you are unhappy and what's going on, and ask to be reassigned to a different agent who cares. He is clearly not taking your interests at heart, which is the entire point of his job.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments