From comfort noodles to late-night burgers, this is where comedians eat out on the cheap in Melbourne

In the throes of Melbourne International Comedy Festival anticipation, a comedian will find almost anything to have a panic attack about. Not least whether our time slot will interrupt your dinner plans. Is 6pm too early? No, it’s perfect! They can get dinner after. I’m on at 7.30pm — have I ruined everyone’s night? Not at all! They can book a table at 6pm.

Of course, these anxieties are misplaced because this is the one advantage this comedy festival has over any other — it’s in Melbourne. Delicious food is everywhere, satisfying even the pickiest eaters at any time of night (at least this is what I’ve been telling myself since my show is at 9pm).

As someone who once burnt two-minute noodles, it’s fair to say that my gastronomic credentials might not inspire immediate confidence. But my lack of culinary skills means I do have a lot of experience eating food someone else has made, and I think that counts for something.

Here are three of my favourite haunts, followed by the top picks of other comedians for dinner and a show, comedian-style.

—Bronwyn Kuss, Winner – Directors’ Choice, Melbourne Comedy Festival 2022

Bronwyn Kuss

Pillows xxxx

Butchers Diner

You can’t talk about dining during the comedy festival and not mention Butchers Diner. I’ve always wondered if they know it’s a stalwart of the Melbourne comedy scene. It’s hard to go there without running into another comedian. I’m undecided if this is a blessing or a curse. What I am resolute on is that it is insanely good food to be serving at 11pm. Too good.

Nerves mean I can never eat before a show, so my dinner time for the next month will be 10pm. I will be living at Butchers Diner and I will be ordering the cheeseburger. I love simple things done well, and I appreciate a place that takes its pickles seriously.

Biang Biang

I love this place. The options on Elizabeth Street are endless, but I will always end up at Biang Biang for traditional hand-torn noodles packed full of flavour. My comfort food during the festival is the signature Biang Biang noodle. So, if you catch me here, let’s just say I’ve had better nights. If I can offer one piece of advice, leave the white T-shirt at home.

Comedy Republic

It’s hands-down the finest comedy club in Melbourne, and to top it off, they whip up some seriously good cocktails.

You’ll find me there often, indulging in their Best Medicine cocktail — their signature drink. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a signature dish. Just never mistake signature for specials. Specials are definitely something they’re trying to offload.

More Melbourne dining favourites of festival comedians:

Prue Blake

Concrete Pigs

Late night is the perfect time for ramen, and the Elizabeth Street Shujinko branch is close to my heart. My go-to is the Shujinko ramen with pickled ginger added and a Kirin Ichiban beer. I love that bright-red pickled ginger more than anything �?� the zing! The crunch! Ginger is the fastest way to feel alive.

I also love Bar Margaux. There is nothing I want more in the middle of the festival than a minute to sit in a dark, sexy basement with a petit martini (olive, not twist) and a steak tartare.

You’ll also find me at Connie’s Pizza inside Heartbreaker scoffing the Sicilian slice ($9). My ideal situation is to take my pizza on its greasy paper plate and quickly eat it at the bar with a bottled Everleigh Brewing Co. French 75 cocktail to cut through the richness. It’s the perfect mix of high and low.

Sarah Bartolo

Daddy Issues

Bustling with friendly waiters and lively Greek music with framed photos of Maria Callas decorating the walls, Kafeneionis a dining experience for the gods. My favourite dish is lamb with potatoes and wild oregano. I love popping in there after a gig and having the whipped cod roe and the Greek village salad with a glass of Assyrtiko rosé. And of course, baklava.

Sitting out the front of Kirk’s Wine Bar, watching people stroll past while I drink an aperitif takes me straight back to Paris. I like to start with one (or three) pig’s head doughnuts and a glass of fino sherry. My other go-to dish is beef tartare with pomme gaufrettes, because who doesn’t love potato chips on the side of everything?

There is such a beautiful energy about Supper Inn — buzzing with groups digging into the most delicious Cantonese food until the wee hours. Definitely order the pipis in XO sauce, crispy-skin roast duck, hor fun noodles and green beans. And the congee is like a warm hug.

Urvi Majumdar

Burnt

For dinner on the run there’s nothing better than a slice from Pizza Pizza Pizza. Walk up, pick a slice (triple cheese or pepperoni are my favourites) and scoff it as you sprint to one of the many comedy venues nearby. For a seated meal, follow the staff through the back door, which opens up to a funky expansive diner that you would have never guessed was there. Magic.

Chinatown’s Supper Inn has been a staple late-night meal for years. Despite its constant popularity, good acoustics mean you can still hear your dining partners for a gossip and debrief on the shows you just saw. Eggplant with mince pork and shrimp is my go-to order.

Overlooking Swanston Street and close to every venue and public transport, Cabinet Bar & Balcony is the perfect unpretentious spot to bring a date or friends. You must try the Hula Hooper cocktail, aka watermelon, lemon and basil gin sour, so good I wrote an ode to it on Insta in 2022. The love lives on to this day.

Luka Muller

5 Top Smells I Smelled Before

A few years ago the great comedian Blake Freeman took me to iconic Greek restaurant Stalactites and, man, it’s just so unbelievably good. The menu is massive, tonnes of veg options, every single thing is made with love, decades of experience and heaps of oil and garlic. I could write a paragraph about each one of the house-made dips, but I can’t go past the saganaki. What is better than saganaki?

To me, the jewel in the crown of Chinatown’s endless late-night options has to be Supper Inn. There’s an extensive menu of tasty made-to-order bangers, there are daily specials handwritten on butcher’s paper on the walls, there’s BYO, and the lights are SO bright. Grab a bottle of wine from The Exford’s 24-hour bottle-o then come here for dumplings, noodles, soups, vegies, scallops, crab... Everything, literally everything. My favourite? The silken bean curd with minced pork and chilli.

Three locations, seven days a week until 2am, you can get an array of spicy, aromatic and generously portioned noodle soups at Bowltiful Lanzhou Beef Noodle — and the whole menu is under $20. One important factor of eating during the comedy festival is tricking yourself into thinking you’re eating well, and Bowltiful’s always-fresh vegetables, light broths and springy noodles make that easy. My favourite dish? The one from the sign please: Bowltiful Lanzhou Beef Noodle Soup.

Harry Jun

Watermelon Licking

Korean food is so much more than … Korean food. Did you know that Korea has a whole range of foods inspired by Chinese cuisine? Case in point: Han Guuk Guan. The two main Chinese-inspired Korean dishes, jjajangmyeon (black bean noodles) and jjambbong (spicy seafood noodle soup), are a specialty here. There’s also a Korean version of sweet-and-sour pork called tang su yuk, and they use sticky rice flour for the breading, which gives it an incredibly crispy and chewy bite. The portion sizes are massive, so bring your hungriest friends. It’s also just around the corner from Trades Hall, which is where I’m doing my show. So grab dinner, then come for a laugh.

My go-to dish is jjajangmyeon. Imagine a big steaming bowl of chewy noodles, covered in a thick, rich, savoury black bean sauce. The sauce is chockas with pork, onions, zucchini and potato — everything you need to fill the tank.

Jang Go Mama makes gimbap, a dish that’s essentially rice and various ingredients rolled up in seaweed. It’s the perfect meal if you want to fill your belly, or if you’re in a hurry. Uni students open the top of the wrapping of the gimbap roll and eat it like a kebab. It’s a family-owned business, it’s cosy and the staff are so friendly. My go-to dish is the spicy pork gimbap. It’s loaded with vegies, rice, ham and pork belly that has been grilled in a spicy chilli sauce.

Lizzy Hoo

Hoo’s That Girl?

When I get to the “Brunetti phase” of the festival, I know I’m digging deep. In the last week of the festival, you’ll find me here pre-show having a huge piece of cake and a coffee at 7pm. I need the sugar and caffeine hit by this point. Adrenaline and dreams can only get you so far. My go-to dish is chocolate oblivion cake and an almond flat white.

I like a pho from Pho Bo Ga Mekong. It’s so close to the Town Hall. Sometimes there’s a line, but it moves quickly.

There’s a private table in the back corner of McDonald’s in Swanston Street where I have shed literal tears. This is a safe space to cry and enjoy a cheeseburger and nuggets in peace. My go-to dish? A Happy Meal, ironically.

Melbourne International Comedy Festival runs from March 27-April 21, see comedyfestival.com.au