My mom married my stepdad when I was 10. She was 35 and he was 47. He had a 5 year old daughter, Jen. His wife had passed away about two years earlier.

My father was in the military so him getting more than visitation wasn't really an option. I asked of I could go live with my grandparents but my mother wouldn't allow it. I honestly think she just wanted my child support. Her and I do not get along for a whole host of reasons.

Jen didn't really like me. Whatever. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose your mom at 3 years old. I tried to be friendly with her but it never worked.

I'm 19 now and just finished my first year of community college. I'm hoping to do well enough to transfer to complete my four year degree at a state college.

I just got back from camping with friends and my mom and stepdad were waiting for me. They had my journal out.

Mu private journal where I write my private thoughts. Which I keep in my room in my desk. So there is no reason for it to be out.

They want to talk to me about some of the things I wrote. I asked them what the fuck they are doing touching my things. I take my journal and go to my room. It is a fucking mess.

They decided to let Jen use it while I was gone. She decided to go through my stuff to amuse herself.

I've been trying to figure myself out and trying new things. Please do not DM me I am not interested.

I wrote about my ideas and activities just to keep it straight in my head you know. Anyway Jen decided to read my journal and then tell her father about what I wrote.

They pounded on my door telling me that we are family and that they are worried about me. That I don't need to keep secrets from them.

Fuck that.

I had already been talking to my grandma and she said I could stay with them now that I'm an adult.

My stuff was still in my car so I just grabbed what was left that mattered to me and I left.

Before I left I was screaming at them that privacy is important and that I will not be back. They kept saying that we needed to talk about the stuff I was doing in my personal life.

I just left.

And then I took them up on their very thoughtful suggestion. I posted all about their private lives to my family.

I posted about how they like to swing. How my stepdad likes to watch young guys go at my mom. All the stuff I wish I didn't know. And some of this trickled down to younger family members who know Jen. So now she knows. I had always done my best to keep it away from her.

So now they are being gossiped about and my stepdad is pissed because guys at his work know what he does. My mom won't talk to me. I'm fine with that. She preferred her more conventionally girly daughter Jen over me since they met.

I actually feel kind of shitty for Jen. She does not need to know this stuff about her dad and the woman who has been her mom for nine years. My mom and stepdad should be okay with this though since I only shared it with family.

EDIT

I posted in our family Facebook group. I didn't make a public post. Someone pointed out that is relevant.

My mom passed away last year, the day before my birthday, after over 5 months of suffering. She didn't know how bad she was and then it was too late to make a will. She even mentioned this to me the last time I saw her, a couple of weeks before she passed. She apologized to me, and even said that since her husband was getting it I probably wouldn't see a penny of it. Because of the state she passed in all the inheritance went to her husband. I was on good terms with him and he agreed to share half of it with me, to my suprise. It was nice to know I could trust him, and he was the only thing left I had that was connected to my mother. All of my other family has passed away, so I'm all on my own.

After many months of going back and forth with him and trying to figure out when he would send me the money I realized he was lying to me. He kept giving me excuses, and stories about how he'd send it to me tomorrow, next week, next month! It never stopped. At one point he told me he had a relative in Europe that left him a million dollars and if I could just wait until he got that he would double what he told me he would give me.

Finally I had enough of being jerked around and I told him I thought he was lying. He blocked my number. There was nothing I could do... or was there?

It's not much, but I realized that while I could not see his friends list on FB, I could see all his posts where his friends commented. I could see all the birthday wishes left on his profile. So I went to to all of those people and sent them a carefully crafted message about what happened and how much money he got.

The thing about my mom's husband is that their whole relationship he was dealing with issues his brother caused when their father passed and the brother stole the power of attorney and stole all of the inheritance. All of his friends and family have been hearing stories about how shit his brother is and how he was going to pay. Now this man is doing to me what his brother did to him.

Even if his friends don't care about him being a bad person, maybe they would be interested in knowing how much money he got. I've heard the stories about people winning the lottery and how all their friends and family turned on them. I'm hoping he will get some shit from some people, and even more people contacting him with their hands out. I hope he ends up with no one on his side, so he'll know how I feel being on my own.

My mom had me (17f) when she was 30. She was single and I never knew my father but I did find out more info on him two years ago after doing some online digging and didn't like what I found. But that's neither here nor there. My mom was not a good mother. She admitted to me in the past she attempted to abort me and it failed and she tried to give me up for adoption but the couple who planned to adopt me got pregnant just before I was born and so mom was like fuck it. She covered the most basic of needs for me and that was it. We did not spend time together, she hired a babysitter to do the day to day care (usually a teenager looking for money). She did not take an interest in my education. She ignored any contact from school. It was up to my babysitter to take me to medical appointments. That's just how she was. She didn't want me.

When I was 9 she met a guy and she married him. I think I was 10. They had a daughter soon after, then a son and then another daughter. I spent most of my time at friends once she got married since my mom didn't want to pay for a babysitter anymore. Worked for me. At 10 it was painful for me to see her make a family when she hadn't wanted me.

What neither of us ever expected or prepared for was the fact her kids would seek me out and want me. I try to avoid being around them where possible because I don't want to be a jerk but I don't want a relationship with them either. But they still look at me like I'm the coolest person they know and try so hard to reach out to me.

When mom realized this 4ish months ago and realized how old I am, I think she panicked and she brought me to therapy with her where she apologized for being a bad mom, admitted she had been a bad mom and begged me for a second chance so she could do better for the sake of her three kids who clearly want me to be their big sister. She said she knows we have no relationship but she doesn't want me to leave in a few months and break her kids' hearts and she sees how wrong she is. But I have refused to offer her that chance. I told her she made her choice 17 years ago and her kids best interests are not something I am worried about, just my own life and how I move forward once I'm gone.

My mom and her husband (who I guess she told) were both pretty angry I didn't consider their kids at all because at least she's trying now or whatever.

AITA?

I grew up in an okay town that has since become a bit…snobbier. I was driving down my old street last year and i saw my old neighbor, Andrea, sitting on her front porch, so i stopped in to say hi.

Turning into the driveway, i noticed a regulation sized soccer goal in her next door neighbor’s small front yard….which is VERY out of sync with the rest of the neighborhood. It made me laugh a little. After a quick catch up, i learned a couple of things: she’s the last of my old neighbors who still lives on the street and the neighborhood has become very “keeping up with the jones’ “ with the exception of her next door neighbor. I asked about the soccer goal, and here is the story:

The neighbor has a young daughter who loves soccer. She would spend hours in the front yard kicking goals into a small goal anchored in the front yard with tent spikes. Apparently, another neighbor (they don’t know who, but they suspect the people directly across the street) complained to the township because of the “semi-permanent structure” in the front yard. The neighbor got upset….obviously, it was basically a toy in the front yard! Cops came to their house, they got a warning. Then they thought it would be ok as long as they took it down when they weren’t home, but nope. Cops were called again and they were fined WHILE the daughter was using it! The fine said something about having a semi-permanent (because of the tent stakes) structure.

Cue malicious compliance: they weren’t allowed to have a semi-permanent structure, but they COULD have a permanent structure! So, they went, got a permit from the township, dug the holes, filled it with concrete, and built a regulation sized goal and hung the permit on one of the poles! Now the mystery neighbor has to look at that goal every day

It's stupid to think I'm at this point but here I am. My stbx wife (28F) and I (29M) have wanted kids for years and we're thrilled when she finally got pregnant last year. From day one I wanted to be the most supportive husband and future father I could. Her father was never involved in her life. I used to work as a tech in labor and delivery, and my brother to put it kindly is not the most involved father. I saw too many problems up close when it came to lacking husband's, and I would be damned before I made the same mistakes

The problem is roughly 4 weeks into her pregnancy everything started going downhill

• She stopped wanting sex. Fair enough. Hormones and stress make that a problem I went full stop. But then she didn't want any physical interaction. No cuddling, no kissing, slowly becoming more and more distant

-Her eating constantly changed and she was terrible about it. She would demand I get her something all day then the moment I give it to her she wants something else, screaming at me. OK, again, hormonal issues I get it no problem

• she never let me to go any appointments, no groups she went to, spent more time away

-became cold and bitter. Constantly angry at me. This went on for months

-slapped me a couple times when I forgot one of her dozens of tasks she assigned me during the day. Stopped doing anything for the house a month into the pregnancy. Sure, she's pregnant, I get it moving around is hard, but she wouldn't even do laundry about 4 weeks in and by 5 weeks I did everything. I'm also the primary source of income. I barely sleep. im running on fumes.

-made me sleep in the guest room. Would always try and pick fights. I never once raised my voice, my hand, or my tone. I sat there and constantly mentally reminded myself this isn't her and this would all be worth it

-she didn't want me to make any baby decisions. No name, no work on the nursery, nothing

One month before she delivered, she yelled how fucking useless I am and how I don't do anything and that she's staying with her mother. She didn't let me get her anything, come check on her, threatened to divorce me and get a restraining order if I even called her

A couple weeks back, I found out about the birth of my son from a Facebook post. She posted it with her mother and some family. It fucking broke me. I tried to go to the hospital and visit. They had security kick me out.

After months of outright hatred, anger and abuse thrown at me 24/7, I fucking had it. Odds are im not even on the birth certificate. I opened a new account and all my deposits go there. I took half out of our joint account. She never bought baby stuff ahead of time, who knows what that money was going towards, so now that she has to buy supplies for our son she's used up every cent

I've gotten a lawyer. The house is mine, I'm the only one who spent money on it in any way. I've sent the rest of her stuff to her mother's house. I'm demanding a paternity test. Im not spending another damn cent until I get verification it's my son. Im absolutely divorcing her. She chose the stay at home life, if she cheated she's screwed. Her mother has money for a couple week stay, not even close to enough for full time support. If he is my son, I will absolutely be getting my rights as a father for a relationship.

Last week, my stbx called. She was practically hyperventilating. She wanted to come home. She was crying how it was all a mistake. She's not staying with her mother. She's at a friend's house. She wants to come home. She wants our son to have his father. I told her I don't fucking believe he is my son. Why the fuck would she pull this shit if he is? Show me a paternity test, and I'll do everything I can for him, and him only.

She wants to meet tomorrow at a park so I can talk to her. I said sure, so I can finally say everything I should have said months ago to her face. My parents are hoping we can make up, but they absolutely understand if I won't. My brother is a deadbeat jackass so I don't care what he has to say, but my sister thinks I should at least hear her out

I have an 18yo daughter and a 17yo stepdaughter.

When my wife and I got married we had some agreements including that cooking will be her job since she is a SAHM and I'm the breadwinner.

The problem is that my wife makes tuna sandwiches twice a week. I don't hate tuna but at this point I'm starting to hate it because of how often I eat it. My daughter hates tuna. She is not picky. This is the only things she hates.

Well my wife claims that it's her daughter's favorite food so we need to get used to eating it.

Yesterday I come home from work, my daughter is eating a burger and fries. I hate fast food, she knows she is not allowed to eat junk food. I ask her why she is not eating the food my wife made? She says because it was tuna again. I asked my wife why she didn't cook anything else for her? She shrugs and says she already cooked one meal and won't make another meal. She then asked me for money to go shopping for herself. I tell her I gave her money yesterday so I'm not giving her more money today. If she won't do her job well then why would I do mine? Plus she just wanted money to buy a Gucci bag or something like that.

I told her since she is only doing the minimum and not feeding my child well then I'm also doing the minimum from now on, so no luxuries for her. She will only get the essentials.

She got angry and called me an asshole and said it's not her job to feed my kid. I said it's not my job to feed yours either. She is sleeping in the guest room now and won't talk to me.

Edit: After thinking about it for a while, I made my final decision. I informed my wife that from now on my daughter and I will be eating out every night. There is a very good restaurant with a diverse menu near our house that we used to go to a lot before I got married. We will be eating there from now on.

As for my wife and her daughter, since they seem to be very obsessed with tuna, PB&J, nuggets etc, that's what I will be buying for them from now on. Since my wife seems to be uninterested in good food then there is no point in buying other foods for them. That's all they get.

I will of course continue providing all the necessities for them but since she is not doing her job then I don't see a reason for her to get any luxuries. She will get a small amount of fun money and that's it.

Of course she threw a tantrum when she found out and is currently yelling at me as I'm writing this but I'm not gonna change my mind.

Throwaway account because my main has personal info.

My (34F) mother (59F) has not worked for the last ~30 years. When we were little, dad worked and she was a SAHM. She refused to work even when we were older, I remember my parents fighting about it. After their divorce mom remarried almost instantly and relied on her (much older) husband, who died last year leaving everything for his adult kids and almost nothing for her.

After the death of her second husband, mom moved in with my brother and his wife. She was supposed to look after their kids while they work. This didn't work out and they are kicking her out, which is totally my mom's fault, I told her multiple times this would happen if she continued to act like she did. She was extremely mean to SIL, tried to run their household, acted like the queen, refused to watch the kids full time,which was their original agreement (she only watched them like half day twice a week and when she did she neglected them like not changing a poopy diaper for god knows how long because she was hoping SIL would be back soon and do it, which resulted in baby getting a very nasty rash, etc etc).

Now she wants to move in with me. She's claiming she'd help with the kid (I have a 2yo). I told her no, I saw what happened to my brother and SIL, you caused major issues in their marriage and I will not risk it. After all, you always told us adult children should never live with their parents (yes, we were both kicked out at 18 right after we finished school). She started crying and saying she doesn't have anywhere to go (she has until the end of the month to leave my brother's house). I told her neither did I when she kicked me out at 18 and I went to live on my friends couch but I worked and eventually rented a room so I guess that's what she should do - that's what everyone else does. She asked me to at least pay her rent until she gets back on her feet, I said no, you're a healthy working age person, you should not be freeloading (that's exactly what she told me when I was 18). We had a very big fight but I refused to let her move in or give her money. I'm sure she should still have some from her inheritance and I know for a fact my brother gave her money so I didn't feel guilty at all.

Now, multiple relatives are texting me, basically saying me and SIL are horrible people. Mom's dead husbands son called to scold me, telling me my mom is my responsibility and not theirs so I should do what's right. I do not feel guilty but perhaps that's what makes me the AH? Am I? I do feel bad about people claiming I'm a bad daughter. Mainly because my mother was never a model mom herself, she never put her kids first and was generally disinterested in us unless she needed something. I mean, if she were nice, I'd be happy to have her near

My wife of 10 years is very close to her cousin “Charlotte”. They were raised pretty much as sisters. We spend a lot of time with Charlotte and her husband, “Paul”.

Due to a chronic illness, Charlotte can conceive but she wouldn’t be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Her and Paul have discussed using a surrogate in the past, but it was always in the abstract. I never asked much as I figured it was a very sensitive topic and they’d tell me what they wanted me to know. My wife never spoke much about it either.

The topic of surrogacy was brought up again and Paul mentioned they were finally getting the ball rolling. The next day, my wife sat me down and said she was going to be their surrogate. It’d be Charlotte and Paul’s baby biologically, she’d just carry it. I was blindsided as it all sounded so definite. I was trying to keep up and ask questions. Mainly, when did this even become a discussion?

That’s when my wife told me that 15 years ago, 3 years before we even met and a long time before Charlotte met Paul, she told Charlotte when she was ready, she’d be her surrogate.

Now, I understand this is my wife’s body and if she wishes to be a surrogate, I can’t stop her. I just feel so blindsided. I brought up that we have 3 kids ourselves, jobs, etc. I wanted to discuss this more. At minimum, this should’ve come up when we were dating. My wife says Charlotte wasn’t sure if she’d ever want to use a surrogate so she didn’t want to bring it up unless it became an issue. I said yes, but clearly this has been in motion for awhile as she’s already been approved by the doctor and is ready to start hormones. She continued to treat this as not my problem.

I finally put my foot down and said she absolutely should’ve told me about this when dating or bare minimum when they began the process. I said she’s my wife, not Charlotte’s, and I need to be included in these conversations. My wife told me I’m overreacting and I know now, so that’s all that matters. AITA?

I (16m) make my own lunch for school. I started making them when I was 11 and my mom was sick with cancer and now I make all my lunches. My dad refuses to give me lunch money for school, said no way in hell to making them (mom made his and now he pays for lunch every day) and doesn't want to give me permission to eat outside school (which is an option with parents consent) because he'd need pay for that. So I make them. I work part time and so I started paying for the ingredients I use in my lunches.

My dad got married 2ish years ago. His wife has three kids who are 5, 7 and 8 now.

For about a year there's been this issue where my dad and his wife want me to make all four lunches. They said if I'm making my own I should make my "siblings" (and I say "siblings" because they're not my sibling) lunches too to save their mom time and to streamline everything. I was like no and my dad's wife was shocked. She called me out for making stuff only for myself. She said it's crazy that I would look at my "siblings" and not want to make a few things for them too.

It escalated to where they said I shouldn't get to eat their dinners if I won't participate in taking care of the family. So I buy my own dinner stuff now and make my own. Now they're calling me out for doing that. They said I could make dinner for all four of us and then we could eat dinner earlier and my dad and his wife could do something else.

My dad's wife didn't make lunches for her kids on several occasions to try and make me relent. Their teachers ended up feeding them and writing to her about it. She was super pissed and asked me if I was ashamed. I told her they're her kids and her problem, not mine. I also suggested she take it up with my dad if she's unhappy and wants help feeding her kids because it's not my job. She said if dad won't feed me, he won't feed her kids. I shrugged her off.

Monday was a big day in all of this. I was home for hours alone and made a nice dinner. I was eating when my dad's wife came home with her kids, who were hungry and she exploded on me and asked if I'd made the kids dinner. I said no. She demanded to make it up to them I make them lunch for Tuesday (yesterday) and I said no. She called me a bunch of names and told me she fucking hates me because I'm supposed to be a decent kid and yet I won't help feed her kids and it's not how you treat family. I told her because it's not my job and we're not a family. I pointed out she married a guy who isn't a good dad to his own kid, and how her only interactions with said kid were attempting to dump responsibility onto him (me) so she really has no reason to think I owe her anything. Which of course let her to calling me all kinds of things, including an ass.

AITA?

Here is the original post:

Update:

For those of you saying this is a made up story, it is not made up. This really happened and I wish I were making it up.

We went over to my parents house last night. My brother was there as well. My parents start telling me to just move on and forget about it. That my brother has told them that he is sorry for what he said, and that he says he made a mistake. I told them how can I just forget about it? and if he was as remorseful as you guys are saying, then he could have apologized to my family and me, but he has not and it has been over a week at this point.

My brother says he made fun of my baby because I made fun of him. I tell him, I responded back to you, and even if I made fun of you first, your automatic response is to make fun of the baby, and not me? You think you're justified in making fun of my baby, for no reason? He literally says yes, he is justified. My parents didn't tell him to stop. I ask him so if I made fun of your baby when you have one, would that be right? Would I be justified? He doesn't answer. I ask him about this three more times, he doesn't respond. That let me know that no, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be justified.

Then my brother says that he will apologize to me, if I apologize to him first. My parents tell me to apologize to him. I told them why would I ever apologize for making fun of him with a comment about him, when he was making fun of me for hours, until I snapped and responded back, and his automatic response was not to make fun of me back, but to insult my newborn. I ask them to explain why they think I need to apologize to him first, when I don't think I'm in the wrong here. They don't explain and instead start calling me a bastard, useless, etc. My mom is like families always fight, and they make up. I say, yes, families fight, siblings have arguments amongst themselves, but they don't stoop so low and start making fun of babies or children, for no reason at all. At this point I'm pissed. I tell them what kind of grandparents are you, that you are faulting me for sticking up for my baby and not tolerating him making fun of my baby. I tell them, if you think I'm wrong for sticking up for my baby, then why don't you guys call dad's brother, and apologize to him? (Sidenote: few years ago, we found out dad's brother was spreading false rumours about my brother, and my parents haven't talked to him since). I tell them dad’s brother has emailed you, said sorry, that he was wrong, so why don't you guys call him, apologize and make up? Dad starts calling me an asshole, bastard, all kinds of names. I respond back, that I am just following your line of thought.

At this point, I knew this wasn't going to be resolved, so my wife and I left. My brother hasn't apologized and I will never apologize and that's where we stand now.

I still can't believe that I am being labelled at fault for this mess. How can I be at fault for not tolerating him making fun of my baby? How can I be at fault for not wanting to apologize to him? I don't think I owe him an apology. If he can dish it, then he should be able to take it. He shouldn't have responded with making fun of my baby and that too in front of multiple people. I never thought that my family would think its okay to make fun of a newborn.

Edit:

Wow just wow. “Dad” called, I answered. He asks if Im going to be at the wedding. Told him no, why would i go after everything. He says so you want everyone to know about this? I didnt respond. He then says to me “i hope you end up on the streets”. I say how can you say that and he responds with “yea i hope you end up in the streets.” And i respond wow youre really wishing your children end up in the streets? He says “yes because you are a bastard”. I hung up. This is just too much for me. I have no interest in talking to any of them.

My firm recently merged with a larger firm. I'm the boss's EA. Some admin from the larger firm asked me if I could upload some of our old contracts. I said I'd work on it. She said she needed it in two weeks (tomorrow).

I had some, but not all, the contracts. Maybe 33% and I uploaded them the next day. No small feat given my workload. I assumed the other lawyers on my team had the rest. They only had a few and that just got uploaded yesterday. I didn't know what they had until they went through their files and they're busy. The rest, I assume, is with my boss.

I had planned on taking tomorrow off and today is my WFH day. Since my boss is in meetings all day and leaving early, I'm not going to get time to finish this project as I need to discuss with her to find the missing contracts. Even if she wasn't busy, I'm not driving to the office after putting in 11 hour workdays this week.

I told my coworker that she's going to have to wait until next week because my boss is too busy today and I'm off tomorrow. She asked if I wasn't off tomorrow then would I be able to finish the project. I said probably. She asked me to cancel my day off lol

I told her that's not happening. I don't work for you, I work for my boss and she didn't give me this assignment. I'm helping you out. Besides, what difference does it matter if it gets done tomorrow at the end of the day or on Tuesday? I did what I could do.

She got mad at me and complained how this was setting her work back. I said you wouldn't have one contract if you asked anyone else to help you out. I told her that my boss said it will have to wait until next week and if she has a problem with it then take it up with her and have a great weekend.

Hi Reddit, I am a long-time lurker but honestly have turned to posting to finally figure out whether or not I am in the asshole in this situation because I am at my wits’ end. My husband (34M) and I (32F) have been together since high school, and we’ve been married for eight years. We’ve always had a strong relationship, but there’s one person who constantly causes issues – his mother.

Let’s call her MILzilla. Ever since we started dating, MILzilla has been a nightmare. At first, it was little things, like making snide comments about my clothes or how I wasn’t good enough for her precious son. But I had a slither of hope these comments would perhaps go away but over the years, it has escalated to a point where I literally can’t take it anymore.

Here are just some examples:

Our Wedding: She had the AUDACITY to wear a white dress to our wedding and made a big scene during the ceremony. She pretended to faint to draw attention away from us. I could go way more into this absurd story but it’s not relevant.

Pregnancy: When I got pregnant with our first child, she kept insisting that she should move in to “help” because I “wouldn’t know what to do.” I put my foot down and said no, but she started showing up UNANNOUNCED almost daily, criticizing everything I did.

Parenting: She constantly undermines my parenting decisions, from what our kids eat to how we discipline them. She even told our daughter that she could have ice cream for breakfast if she asked Grandma instead of Mommy.

My husband has always been a bit of a mama’s boy. He insists that she means well and that I should just let it go. He never stands up to her, and it’s caused a lot of tension between us. I’ve tried to be patient and understand that he’s in a tough spot, but last weekend was the final straw.

We were hosting a small family gathering for our daughter’s birthday. Everything was going well until MILzilla decided to give our daughter a puppy as a “surprise gift” without asking us first. I believe gifting someone an animal, especially someone’s child is just completely inconsiderate without asking the parents first. Our daughter has allergies, and we had explicitly told everyone that we couldn’t have pets. When I confronted her, she turned on the waterworks, claiming I was trying to ruin her relationship with her granddaughter.

I completely LOST it. I yelled at her in front of everyone, telling her that she was selfish and manipulative and that if she didn’t start respecting our boundaries, she wouldn’t be welcome in our lives anymore. She stormed out, and now my husband has been thoroughly furious with me. He says I overreacted and should apologize to MIL to keep the peace.

My husband and I have had many conversations about his mother over the years. I've tried counseling, both individually and as a couple, but he’s always made excuses for her. This was not a sudden outburst but the result of years of built-up frustration.

Reddit, I’m so tired. I love my husband. But I just can’t keep living like this. I’ve tried to set boundaries, but they’re constantly ignored. I told my husband that if he doesn’t start supporting me and standing up to his mother, I’m seriously considering filing for a divorce. But now he’s accusing me of being manipulative and giving him an ultimatum.

So, AITAH for snapping at my MIL and threatening to leave my husband over this?

I just turned thirty and decided to get back into dating after breaking up with my gf a couple of years ago.

I’ve met and dated some lovely women, but it seems like they’re done having fun in the lives by the time they’ve met me. By fun I mean spontaneously travelling, going out to shows, etc..

They all seem to have done this in their 20s and now just want to eat dinner in front of the TV every night.

I have a stable, well-paying job, a doctorate, and a house already. I’ve had to forego a lot of fun to get here, and now I feel like I’ve arrived at the party only to find out it’s over.

Edit:

Thank you all for your responses.

To clarify - I’m not talking about partying. I’m talking about doing weekend getaways, live shows, etc.

It’s interesting to read that it goes both ways in terms of gender, and the ladies are having a similarly hard time. And it’s nice to see there are so many like-minded women out there!

Lastly, I don’t want to invite any mean comments about the women I’ve dated. They’ve all been wonderful but are at a stage where they feel they want to stay in more.

I’ve really enjoyed solo travelling over the last year, but I don’t want to stop or leave my partner at home because they’re not down for it.

I see a lot of commends suggesting dating younger. I’m not super opposed to it but I just get along so much easier with women my age

My ex-wife, Donna 51, and I 48, have been divorced (not sure if divorced is the right term when the marriage was annulled after 5 months) for the better part of 11 years now. Recently I found out my grandfather willed everything he had to me, even though our family is considerably large, after he passed away 2 years ago. And yes, I didn't know he had passed. He lived in up state NY while I live in Florida. We have seen each other in almost 10 years so I didn't know he had me down as sole proprietor of his belongs. When the lawyer finally reached out with the information, it struck me as odd he would wait 2 years to do so, I was heartbroken to learn of my grandfather's passing. I did rush to NY for the reading of the will. To my surprise, my brother (50), myself and my ex was there. After the reading of the will, my brother came to me and told me the reason he wasn't listed in the will along with the rest of the family. Simply because he didn't want anything. My ex was the next to approach, she told me she was suing me for the land, that she was entitled to it because we were married and she had gotten nothing after the divorce. I told her I would meet her in court. That is set for later considering I would have to travel for that one.

I did met with a lawyer and he said the judge will most likely toss the case because of the annulment.

my team sent me a bag of garbage while I was recovering from surgery

Originally posted to A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile Workplace

June 8, 2015

I’m currently covering a maternity leave and had to go in for a not insignificant surgery. It was complicated by the fact I seem to be working in the real-life version of Mean Girls, most frequently with a Regina George stand-in.

I ended up having my surgery, and negotiating remote work for my recovery. I’m feeling a lot less stressed, even though I logged back in the day after my procedure and got right back to it.

Today, two coworkers I’ve gotten close to came by for a visit and the weirdest work-gift situation ever came up. They both gave me a lovely gift, and treated me to dinner. And then sheepishly looked at each other, sighed, and said the office had a gift as well. I could tell they felt weird about it. It was a reusable shopping bag filled with garbage. A used pair of unwanted, scuffed shoes, several junk mail brochures, expired tea from the office kitchen, some dusty old plaques from the 90s, and a Sublime cd (one of the songs is called “Date Rape”). I was taken aback. I asked what this was supposed to be? They told me the people at the office said they should try to keep a straight face like this was a legitimate gift, that it was supposed to give me a laugh.

It did not. I said I really appreciated the thoughtful gift/dinner/visit the two of them had given me, but that this “joke” gift wasn’t really appropriate and didn’t fit the relationship we all have as coworkers. Rather than gentle ribbing, it felt like being in grade 9 gym class all over again. They apologized profusely and I asked them to take the bag back with them on the way out (with the injury recovery, I can’t actually leave my apartment for the next while), because I couldn’t get it down to the garbage myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I like joke gifts! I’ve given them and received them in the past. But when I’ve been on a team that did this: (a) it wouldn’t be actual garbage, and (b) it would be followed by something thoughtful (restaurant delivery/grocery/taxi gift cards/etc.). They just gave me actual garbage.

And I’m going to be asked how I liked my “gift” on Monday, and I have no idea what to say. Typically I would do a warm thank-you and find something to like about a gift (even if it wasn’t my thing), but what do you even say about this? That I was confused? That I’m not sure what to say? I don’t really want to laugh along with it. I thought it was awful.

Any advice would be much appreciated! I’ve not really encountered a situation like this before, and most of my friends are just as stumped.

OOP Added a small update in the comments

June 8, 2015

Hey, already an update.

I got asked how I liked the gift on a call this morning, and I said I didn’t really understand it or have a place for anything in the bag. And couldn’t get down to take it out myself and so asked the coworkers to take it back with them. They seemed to honestly think I would enjoy it (???). It’s so bizarre. I’m so glad I’m working from home.

As for my couple nice coworkers, it’s definitely a case of the office being so awful, that a bag of garbage didn’t seem that bad.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Spooky

Their response just makes me even sadder. Props to you for being the bigger person and trying to rise above it (I, on the other hand, might be looking for creative revenge, like those sites that let you ship exotic animal dung to your enemies.) How much longer until the person you’re covering for comes back?

OOP

Six more months. Unless she comes back a bit early, then four months. I wonder whether she’ll come back at all though

  Dec 14, 2020

I can’t remember if I ever sent a formal update to getting a bag of garbage from my terrible ex-manager.

I had a small update in the post, re: the most awkward team conference call the next day. Regina really did think I would play along, asking how I liked my gift in a joking tone and I straight up said I didn’t understand or appreciate the “gift,” nor could I get down the stairs to dispose of it and had to send it with the coworkers. Who I then thanked warmly for the actual gift they gave. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature response, but honestly I hit the ground hard as soon as I could (metaphorically, the surgery really did knock a lot out of me) looking for a new job. I spent a few weeks resting up and getting my work done, but refused anything above and beyond my role. Which might sound terrible, but Regina had a bad habit of promising the actual impossible, like a custom, usable typeface designed in an afternoon, or a massive marketing campaign (she actually referenced major artist launch campaigns, like Taylor Swift) executed in under a week with no budget. I wish I was exaggerating.

It will surprise exactly no one that a small, family-run firm is not a great place to work. Between the agents doing lines in the bathroom, throwing metal staplers around the office, to Regina calling up random employees to loudly berate them on the phone (none of the office walls reached the ceiling, so you could hear everything) and talking about how hard she partied with the artists we represented (I have never heard so many stories about vomiting in the street in my life). It was definitely… something.

Anyway, I handed in my two weeks notice a couple months after the garbage incident. Regina was weird the whole time, vacillating between super bitter “I hope you ENJOY your next job because I’ll be STUCK HERE FOREVER,” and weird weepy declarations of how much they’d miss me, accompanied by awkward hugs.

I stayed in touch with a few coworkers, all of whom left shortly after I did. We still chat every now and then, sometimes to make sure it all actually happened and wasn’t a collective fever dream.

I’m happily working back in tech, full-time remote. I’ve worked a couple gigs over the past five years, and while #startuplife can be a little bro-y, the worst I’ve had to deal with gift-wise was the rise and fall of branded popsockets.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I (34F) don’t like my husband's youngest sister (30F). She is the baby and acts like a brat. Everyone coddles/caters to her. I have seen her throw tantrums, flip out on family, make her mom cry, and pout because she didn't get her way, lost at a game, etc. Thankfully she lives 3.5 hours away. I like my MIL and other SIL. We'll call the one getting married Tia.

I was fine with Em (will be 3 at time of wedding) being flower girl despite the logistics stressing me out. Wedding is 3.5 hours away. We need to go up night before for rehearsal, and setup next day. Wedding is at 5pm. It would be a long day for Em. She's shy around big groups. I doubt she'll walk down the aisle when it's time. At my wedding, I had my nieces as flower girls. 3yo was excited until it was time and then freaked out. Her mom carried her. Tia later commented that it ruined it. Tia also took control of things I asked not to happen. After ceremony, we had pictures. Food was to be put out for guests. I didn't want them waiting on us. Tia knew that but still told people they had to wait for us and she would dismiss them by table. When we returned I was annoyed and told people to get food. Tia got pissy and said she was dismissing them.

During the bouquet toss, my cousin caught it. Tia ripped it from her hands. Tia's now fiance got upset for the way she acted. My MOH witnessed him telling Tia that wasn't cool and Tia threw the bouquet at his face and stomped off. Back to the point. We found out the wedding is kid-free. They want to party without kids. That's fine and dandy. I love a night off from being mom. We also have 11M and 15F I adopted before I met my husband. In my family we have lots of blending and there is no such thing as half or step or whatever. Nobody gets treated differently. My in-laws use words like "real" when describing family. I don't like it. I didn't like when Tia wished me a happy FIRST mother's day after I had my bio daughter.

Tia said she expects Em to leave after the ceremony. That I should get my mom to come, or bring our babysitter who could stay with her at the airbnb. My mom doesn't want to. She’ll have the other 2 kids since they aren’t in the wedding. She doesn't want to make the drive. My babysitter has a prior commitment. I told my MIL and Tia that Em was not going to be in the wedding or my husband and I would leave early. They are pissed. They want me to find someone else. (My 15yo can't do it because she’s autistic.) They suggested Tia find someone where she lives. I said no. Outside of family, only our babysitter has ever stayed with Em. I am picky. The wedding is two months away. I could look for someone, but I don't want to. My husband agrees that the best solution is for Em to stay with my parents, but he won’t tell them. So, AITA if I say Em won't be in the wedding?

I've been with my fiancé John for 6.5 years now. I have some older children from my previous marriage. Their dad passed when my youngest was 1. The kids are 14yo twin girls, 12yo boy and 9yo boy. My fiancé has no children.

In the 6.5 years that I have been with John he has developed a good bond with my children. They often call him dad (though not all the time). But one frequent hiccup in our relationship is his food/snack/drink quirks, which I consider selfish and ignorant. Like he will go to the store and buy him and I something and if the kids ask if he got them something, he will say no. Even if they are in the car with us there have been a few times in the past that he would get him and I a drink but not get the kids anything. He stopped doing that some years back however because I would just pass my drink back to my children and tell them to share it. He did it with good a few times as well, where he would get him and I something but not the kids. For instance, I would make pizza or something for the kids and John would decide he wanted Chinese take out and would go grab stuff and always come back with something for me as well but NEVER the children. I won't eat take out in front of my kids, so just like the car and drink thing, I would hand my food off to my kids and tell them to share it. Prior to doing this I had plenty of conversations with him about it and told him it bothered me. He said he didn't understand because the kids didn't need everything that we had. Which is true, they don't. But I'm also not going to eat or drink treats in front of my kids while they go without. To me, that's fucked up. But like I said, he stopped doing this because I would just give my stuff away and eventually, he started buying the kids drinks whenever he bought him and I something (when they were with us).

But lately he's going backwards again. It's been easily 4-5 years now since he was like this. But the other day he brought the younger two kids with him grocery shopping and those 2 kids came home with a drink and my husband handed me a drink. I asked if he had gotten anything for the older two kids and he said "no, they weren't with me". So I said "I wasn't either" and gave my drink to the older two kids. Or the other day he had gone to the store for me (with my $20) because I wanted a soda and I asked him to grab my kids Gatorade and water. He came home with two 12 packs. One case being for "me" and the other being for "him". No Gatorade, no water. The kids asked for one of the sodas and he said "no, those are mine". I asked if he used my money to buy it and he said "yes? And?" So I said, "okay, just wondering" and handed my kids one of "his" soda's (caffeine free root beer). He asked why I would do that and I said "I'm wondering why you are going backwards again and buying things for me and you only after I have specifically said I'm not okay with it." Now he's back on the argument of "the kids don't need everything that we have" and said that I'm spoiling them and that they are going to grow up entitled. My only issue with this is that I am not going to sit there and eat or drink any sort of treat (that I do not deserve or had worked for) in front of my children and tell them "nah, sorry bout your bad luck, this is mine". It's not happening. I'm not that type of parent and never will be and he's known that since day one. He doesn't pick fights about it or anything but I don't know. He still seems to think I'm wrong here. AITA?

ETA: it was my money. I won't tolerate the ignorance here. He's not financially responsible for my children. But when he uses my money to buy himself something but not my children, when I specifically said to, we have a problem. The bills are split 70/30. Me being the one who pays more. My kids aren't financially burdening him by any means and he's pulling from the joint account (80% my money) to buy these things for himself. My issue is not that he buys himself stuff with my money. If it weren't happening ALL the time, I wouldn't have an issue. But it's all the time. He says "the kids don't need anything". Well, neither does he. Neither do I. I'm not going to continuously eat treats in front of my children while they go without. I've told him this several times.

Long story short my bf(38) and I(33) got into an argument this past week and he decided to cancel our vacation we had been planning for 5 months.

Bf is the type of person who says mean shit when he’s mad. He’ll say I’m not his daughters parent(and im not, I’m infertile) then ask me to watch her for a week while he’s at work. He’ll call me a bitch in front of her and say I’m no better than her mother(who’s a crackhead). Daughter will even go with me when he’s mad and it’s the three of us so her dad/my bf won’t leave me. A couple days ago he was getting onto me for being too busy the past couple of days. I had prior engagements and a class I needed to be at since it was the last one of the year. I had told him that I was going to be busy but I guess he didn’t hear it. Somehow our vacation got brought into it, and this happened right in front of his preteen daughter. He decided to cancel the vacation because he decided we wouldn’t be getting along and it would be a miserable 2 weeks, that this vacation was going to be a make or break us trip. It really hurt my feelings to hear him say that.

Very calmly I replied “so we’re not going on the trip?” To which he replied “yup we’re not going. You’ve got too much responsibility on the farm”. So I said “that’s fine, we can celebrate daughter’s birthday then since we’ll be home!” He said HE’LL do something with her, not me.

Before he went back to work we talked about how I don’t like the flip-floping and how hard it is to keep up with what he says. We also talked about how we’re not going because of what he said.

Now a couple days later he’s back at work and acting like he never said we weren’t going. He packed his bags and started packing all the supplies we need. He keeps bringing up this vacation like we’re still going to go on it even though we’re not.

Am I overreacting for holding him to his words?

My daughter recently came to me to tell me she is 13 weeks pregnant, and she is upset because her boyfriend wants no part of the child's life and has been trying to get her to get rid of the child. I told my daughter she has a choice to make either raise this kid as a single mother or consider her options. She has it in her head that I or the system can force her boyfriend to step up. I explained that no one can force someone to be a father, just does not work out that way. I told her that her mother and I will do what we can to support her, but majority of the burden will be on her.

I co-parent with her mother we got divorced 12 years ago. Her mother called me livid yelling at me because I told our daughter she has no choice but to raise her child as a single mother. My ex is under the impression I should have been more hopeful and positive with her. We don't know what her boyfriend will feel once the children is born. She has been feeding our daughter once her boyfriend sees the kid he will come around. I do not buy that line of thinking.

I told my ex that to be frank I think our daughter should either go for an abortion, or consider adoption. I do not think a child has any business raising a child. My ex is under the impression that both of us will take on this responsibility to allow our daughter to finish school, go to college, become established. I told my ex if she wants to raise another kid to anywhere to 6-8 years that is on her, but I am not getting involved. I will provide support, but I refuse to raise this kid because both of them are being emotional and not logically about this situation.

AITAH?

My mother went to hospital for tests and something went wrong and she passed away unexpectedly. The Dr called me as I was her medical contact. I am the eldest of six children (same parents) and was the only one that had an ongoing relationship with her. (we all experienced forms of emotional childhood trauma) I set up safe boundaries early on and she was a better grandmother then she was a other. We always did something for birthdays, mothers day and Christmas and I would call and catch up with her every two weeks or so. Most of my siblings had not spoken to her for years, my brother used to contact her every six months or so but they had recently fallen out, I am not sure of the reason.

The hospital gave me her belongings (handbag etc.) My siblings wanted to meet up at her home the next day, I thought it was a bit soon but they wanted to start getting her estate sorted out. I unlocked the door using the ket in mums handbag. The 1st argument was about who would have possession of the key to mums house. I said I would keep it until we either found mums will and would then hand it the the executor or if there was no will would hand the key to the chosen administrator.

My brother did not like this and said why do I not give it to someone else as I already had another key at home (I did not have any other key). My other siblings jumped on the bandwagon and I was yelled at and harassed and bullied for the next hour, all of them saying I was lying. Everyone then started to sort through items, I grabbed the bills so I could pay them so the power, phone etc. would not get turned off. The only things that was decided on that day is that two people must be at mums house. No one person would be able to go on their own.

On the next visit to the house my husband and I purchased two new front door locks, we put both the locks on the front door so two new keys would be needed to enter the home. We made sure to open the lock package in front of my sister (who lived the closest to mums house) so she could remove all the keys. My sister had one key and I had the other and both keys were needed to gain entry to the house.

I was under the impression that this would solve the issue with entry to the house and settle everyones mind as they were brand new locks with brand new keys and would solve the argument of who else had copies of keys. I was accused of taking keys to both locks and even when I explained how we opened the lock packs and my sister removed all three keys for one of the lock herself, she refused to confirm this and did not back me up. This just started more of the scapegoating and bullying. If I had not changed the locks I would have been accused of still having a key to the house. They still will not let this go and it has been 4yrs since she passed.

Is there anyway we will all be able to move past this?

Could there have been a better way for me to handle this situation?

Dating app users are some of the most demanding, yet bottom of social pyramid people. Like how do you want all THAT when you look and act like THAT?

Literally no one has courage these days. Y’all just let opportunities past by you instead of just opening your mouth and forming a conversation with someone.

Instead people rather just constantly be told they are ugly on an app and then complain that they got rejected for being ugly. Literally what else other that the way you look is a person supposed to be checking for on an app.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 21st May 2024

- 21st May 2024

AITAH for refusing to lend my friend my house for her wedding After she asked me for a paternity test, resulting in her having to cancel the wedding?

My friend Sandra and I have known each other for over 20 years (we are 30-32). Sandra is getting married to Andres, and I am married to Ian.

Some relevant information:

Andres and I originally come from the same country and even the same region. We share many characteristics.

We both have very round faces, deep brown eyes, long straight black hair, etc. If you didn't know better, you might assume we are siblings.

I met Andres six years ago and introduced him to Sandra. He proposed two years ago.

I own a beautiful property in my home country that I was ready to lend to Sandra and Andres for their wedding.

My property is like a finca and has 10 rooms. Usually, I would rent it out for weddings at a somewhat high price, but I was happy to give it to them at no cost, with the condition that they hire their own catering and have their guests strip their beds when they leave.

The issue:

Three months ago, Sandra became more reclusive. She wouldn't answer my texts, and we didn't meet up. Two weeks ago, she appeared at my door with Andres. They sat us down (my husband included) and said she suspected that my daughter is actually Andres' biological daughter and requested a paternity test for peace of mind.

I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything. My husband lost his temper and raised his voice, telling Sandra that she was being absolutely stupid.

Sandra pointed out that my daughter looks like Andres. I explained that Andres and I look alike. She kept shaking her head, saying my daughter would look more like my husband and not like my exact copy.

The evening ended poorly. I agreed to the test if they paid for it. The results came back last Friday, showing that Andres was not the father. We also did a test confirming that my husband is the father.

Sandra cried and tried to hug me. I told her I didn't want to and that I didn't want to be friends with her for the time being. She kept saying her worries were justified and made a comment about "women from your country being more likely to do that."

In that moment, I was filled with anger. I told her she could forget about using the venue and that I didn't want her in my life anymore. She started crying, but I made her leave.

Her mom and she have been texting me, saying they can't find a new venue. I still said no.

Twenty minutes ago, Sandra called me sobbing, saying that the wedding is off because of me.

Am I the asshole? Should I have let her use the venue at the usual price, or was what I did okay?

Edit: Andres was not chill about this. He seemed exasperated. He was quite upset and basically just agreed to this, so she would drop it. I didn't include it because I did not see the relevance for the conflict between me and her

Comments

FoggyDaze415

NTA. The wedding is off because she accused her fiancé of infidelity, and then insulted your AND HER FIANCE'S culture by implying that women from said culture are slutty or have no respect for relationships.

Maybe she shouldnt be an insecure racist.

Disastrous-Bee-1557

She basically implied that not only OP, but Andres’ mother/sister/aunts/cousins are also potential slutty home wreckers. The man can’t run fast enough away from this woman.

actiaslxna

I feel really bad for him out of all of this but at least she showed her true colors. Hopefully the relationship is off too with how she’s acting.

whoopiedo

Totally NTA. The wedding is off because of her. Apart from the slurs she flung at you, she demonstrated that she has no trust in her fiancé. I suspect that this is the real reason why the wedding is off. If it was just the venue, they could have found another or postponed.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 10 hours later

Update: they are no longer together.

Sandra just wrote me an email apologizing and, for some reason paypaled me 25,67€.

Anyway. Thank you for weighing in

DiscardedTree1

Why….the 25,67?

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the original poster. Please do not harass the OOP.

The original poster is , posting on .

Links:

- Early January 2024

- February 5th 2024 (28 days later)

Original BORU is posted by

1 New Update

- 21st May 2024

Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marraige because I learned my wife cheated on my while we were dating?

My wife (44F) and I (43M) have been married 20 years. We started dating in high school when I was a junior and she was a senior. We were long distance for her first two years of college while I was in high school and did one year at community college, then we went to college in the same city for a year, and have lived together since. We got married the summer after I graduated college. Our marraige has been pretty great so far, but I initated a divorce after I discovered that she was sleeping with multiple other men for the 2 years we were long distance.

Just after Christmas, we got together with a few friends of hers from college to catch up, have dinner, and hang out. We talked about a lot of stuff and my wife mentioned that we met in high school (not that we dated, just that we met). Her old college room commented that it was crazy that we met in high school, had a few wild years in college, then ended up together. I played along and commented that I didn't know if my wife was as crazy as I was. The roomate started to tell a story, but my wife cut her off and said she was uncomfortable about it. I sensed something was up, so I said that we actually started dating in high school and were together for my wife's entire time at college. All of my wives friends got real quiet and the rest of the dinner was awkward. On the way out, one of her other roomates took me aside and said I should have "an honest conversation" about what happened at college.

I asked my wife on the way home and she kind of blew me off. I told her it was important that she was honest with me and again she said it wasn't important. When we got home, I told her I was going to stay at my brother's house until she was ready to talk about what happened in college. The next day she came over and admitted to sleepting with "several" men during her first two years at college. She said she didn't consider it a big deal at the time because we were long distance and she didn't think a high school romance would last. I pressed for more details and she said it was at least 10 different men including at least 3 guys she introduced to me as friends when I came to visit on weekends and 1 guy she was still in contact with. I told her that I wanted a divorce and would be starting the paperwork as soon as I could (which I did on January 2nd).

Her family and most of my family is telling me I shouldn't throw away my marriage over a few mistakes. I've stood by my belief that cheating on me with multiple men for years is unacceptable no matter when it happened and the fact that she continued to maintain relationships with these guys right in front of me was an unacceptable amount of disrespect. We have two children, but they are 17 and 19 and I believe they will understand why I need to end the marraige. Am I wrong for leaving? I feel like I'm going crazy with the amount of people telling me to over look years of infidelty and decades of lies.

EDIT: Holy shit I'm glad I did this with a throwaway because the response here is unexpected.

I obviously can't answer every question/comment, but I wanted to provide some detail for common questions.

• The reason I posted this is that my wife and a few friends have been saying it's common to sleep with other folks when you're in an long distance relationship and that I'm kind of the odd one out for not sleeping around. I felt like I was being gaslit, but I wanted an outside perspective. We live in a state with a waiting period to finalize a divorce, so I felt it was a reasonable idea to get some insight before things are finalized. After these comments, I see a handful of folks saying it's normal to sleep around during a long distance relationship, but it seems to be a significant minority.

• We saw each other a couple of weekends a month during the two year college period. I lived about 3 hours away from her college, so it was long distance but not like cross country. This was not a situation where we went months without seeing each other.

• The 3 guys I met while she was in college were meetups that happened during parties. The subject of me being a boyfriend didn't really come up, so I honestly don't know if these guys knew anything.

• The one guy we're still in contact with married a mutual friend from college. This is not some guy she secretly messages on the side, it's somebody we've talked to regularly for years. I've talked to him a few times since I've learned about my wife. He's said he didn't know we were dating at the time and has since blocked my wife on social media.

• Some folks have asked how the roomates didn't realize at our wedding that the timelines didn't work out. The main reason is that my wife and I had a very small ceremony with just close family in Texas, then went back to the East Coast to have a big party with friends. The typical reception/sharing details about how we met stuff didn't really happen, so her roomates didn't realize we started dating before college. It sounds like they thought we only dated for the year we were both in the same city, then moved in together.

• I was open to therapy or some kind of attempt to save the marraige, but her insistence that this whole thing is common and I'm the one who's out of line is just too much for me. The only time she showed any remorse or even offerred to reconsile is when I started filing paper work. In the last week she's gone back to saying she's right and I'm overreacting. This is also why I feeling like I'm being gaslit. It seems obvious that this is a major issue, but I've got my wife and others telling me it's normal and I'm overreacting.

• I'm not getting a paternity test unless my kids want to get one. I don't have any doubts that they are biologically mine, and no test will make them not my kids. I love them more than anything in the world and my wife's infidelity won't change that even if one or both of them is not biologically mine. They've been my kids for 19 years and they will be my kids until I stop breathing.

FINAL EDIT: Hey all, I've been reading a bunch of the responses, but things are getting crazy and increasingly unhinged, so I probably won't be checking in more. Here are few more answers to common questions I've seen.

• We were definitely exclusively dating at the time. First, dating culture was a lot different 20ish years ago and exclusive was kind of the default for most people. Second, we had a long and difficult discussion before she left for college about continuing the relationship long distance. She specifically wanted to stay together and even joked about her dad coming after me if I started sleeping around with girls at my school. Finally, at my senior prom, she was not able to attend and was very upset when I proposed going with a platonnic female friend of mine. As a result I ended up skipping my prom and hanging out with her instead. While we never said the word exclusive, I think the above reasons, combined with the general relationship before she left, are enough to assume exclusivity.

• Based on some comments here, I followed up with the friend that said I should have an honest conversation. She told me that "10 guys would be on the low end" and that her biggest concern was that there was apparently at least one pregnancy scare that I didn't know about. I honestly don't think that really changes much. It's less about the number for me and more about the fact that she seems incapable of recognizing why this was wrong or why I feel betrayed.

Thank you all for the helpful responses, even those that disagree with me. I will still be open to therapy if she's willing, but I honestly feel like it would be more about us being successful coparents and finding closure than saving our marraige.

Relevant Comments:

It would change a lot if I felt that she wanted to fix this. Throughout our conversation about it, she repeatedly dismissed my feelings and told me I was overreacting to "totally normal behavior". She didn't show any regret or consideration for how it hurt me until she realized I was serious about divorce, then she got defensive and angry. She didn't offer to fix things in any way until I started the paper work and notified her that I had a lawyer.

I think we can navigate being parents. Our kids are older and I've been putting away money for college/post high school for a long time, so a lot of the custody and monetary issues that come up shouldn't be a big problem. We're also both financially stable and make good money.

I have some doubts about our marraige now, but those are my kids. My son looks like my younger clone and my daughter also bears a huge familial resemblance.

I will be honest, even if a DNA test showed zero chance they were mine, I would never ever say a damn thing about it and I would still love them every ounce as much,

I've hired a lawyer, he drafted an intent to seperate, and sent her a copy certified mail. As far as I know, that's not any legal divorce paper with the state, but rather a part of the process to ensure that she as an opportunity to hire her own lawyer if she wants to contest it.

Actually going through the divorce will likely take months.

I'm not really moved out. I've been crashing at my brother's place while I make arrangements for a more permentant living scenario.

As far as timing goes, the dinner happend on the 26th. I went to my brother's house that night to cool off and give her a chance to think about things. We talked several times over the course of 4-5 days and she made it clear that she didnt' believe she didn't anything wrong. If there was any kind of remorse/regret/basic consideration of my feelings on her part, I probably would have waited. However, she didn't so I found a divorce lawyer and he had boilerplate intent to seperate agreements that we filled out and sent over the same day.

Even now, we're obviously not legally divorced and I don't even know if there is a legal concept of seperation in my state, but I've made it clear this is happening and started the process.

There is no judgement on but the consensus of the comment section was that he was not wrong.

[UPDATE] Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marriage because I learned my wife cheated on my while we were dating?

Link to previous post removed.

I wanted to provide some updates here as my original post got a lot of traction.

TL;DR version: My wife and I are seeing a couples counselor and have been to 3 sessions now. Based on what my original post outlined, and what we've talked about in counseling, I'm still moving forward with the divorce. I believe that counseling was the right move, and I appreciate folks for recommending it. I don't think it's going to save our marriage, but it has helped me communicate my feelings, helped my wife understand where I'm coming from, and most importantly helped us be in a position to work together as co-parents.

First, let's talk about the things I learned about the situation in college. After talking to my wife in sessions and texting with two of her roommates, it's clear that her roommates knew something was up in college. They said they though the situation was weird and likely involved cheating. My wife had told them that we both had some wild times in college and worked it out before we got married, so they never really brought it up. The roommate who pulled me aside recently was uncomfortable with the fact that my wife clearly didn't talk it through with me, and wanted me to know.

As far as being introduced to guys she slept with, apparently that was not intended. For one of the guys, he ended up dating and then marrying one of our mutual friends from college. This is the guy she was in contact with. In the other situations, she initially blamed me in the counseling session, but has now agreed it was bad. When I went to visit her, she planned to hang out in the room or just hang out together alone, but I wanted to go to a few parties because in HS and community college, I didn't really have parties to go to. She didn't expect me to meet the guys, but they were at the parties and she felt she didn't really have a choice. I still think this is kind of shitty, but it's not as bad as her intentionally parading me infront of the guys.

Most of our discussion in therapy has been talking about why I think it's a big deal and she doesn't. She initially said that none of these guys were in relationships with her and it was mostly one night stands or FWB. Since she didn't view them as romantic relationships, she didn't see the big deal (her words not mine). My opinion is that we never said that was ok and she actively prevented me from doing the same. After digging into this across two sessions, and my wife talking to some friends, she now agrees that it was a breach of our trust/relationship. This is the shared understanding that has helped us talk about this situation more honestly and helped us get from arguing to talking (which is why I'm optimistic about co-parenting).

Now, here's why I'm 100% set on divorce. Two things came up that make me want to leave the marriage. First, about 10 years ago we went through a really rough patch and had a dead bedroom for about 2 years. She had expressed that our sex life was becoming boring, so I tried to spice things up (nothing crazy, just roleplay and like spencers gift level sex toys). Apparently, she had been hung up some sexual experiences that happened in college (that she is not comfortable talking about) and wanted me to try them, but when I did it made her feel awkward and guilty that it made her think of other men while she was with me. The fact that she's saying these experiences were meaningless, but they're still impacting our marriage tells me they meant more than she wants to say. Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. That was the absolute dealbreaker for me.

We have told our children that we're getting a divorce. We told them it was due to some bad decisions that we made in college that we're having trouble moving past. My 19 year old (who is in college) asked me if I cheated on my wife while she was away at college. My wife got a little shaken up, but admitted to the kids that she's the one who cheated. We have agreed to not share any additional details with the kids. I reenforced that both us will be there for the kids and that we are in therapy to help make sure we handle this in the best way for the family. I also told the kids that if they wanted to talk to either of us or a therapist about it, that I would fully support it.

We've started talking to a mediator about how to proceed with the divorce, and unless things change, we should be able to have an amicable divorce. We're both financially stable on our own, we have no major debts, and our kids are older, so custody isn't a major issue. This has been a shitty couple of months for me, but I'm doing ok now and I honestly am grateful that my last post blew up because it both validated some of my feelings, but also motivated me to go to counseling with my wife.

**New Update**

Final Update - 3.5 months later

Hey all, this is likely the final update on this account as things have mostly resolved.

My wife and I have completed our divorce and everything is official. We had an uncontested, amicable divorce with minimal disagreements. Our lawyers worked together to create the plan through mediation and a judge signed off on it a few weeks ago. In the end, the actual divorce process was pretty straight forward. The only complication was that our 17 year old was adamant about my having custody because their relationship with my ex-wife has really fallen apart as a result of this.

Initially my wife dug in her heals and was ready to give up on the uncontested marriage, but my son pretty much told her she could choose between letting him have a break for a few months to process and rebuild, or force him to live with her until he turns 18 and risk never seeing him again. I felt this was a bit harsh, but my wife backed down and we moved forward with my having primary physical custody until my son's birthday later this year. For my part, I have encouraged my son to be open to fixing things as the actions my ex took before he was born didn't change the 17 years she cared for and loved him. Fortunately, as the divorce moved forward he has been spending more time with my ex and I'm optimistic they will work through this.

In the end, we pretty much split our retirement and investments 50/50. For our house, my wife really liked the house and I didn't, so she kept the house and most of the furnishings and took out a mortgage to pay me back half of the equity and half of the estimated replacement value of the furniture. Pretty much all of our other stuff was either easy to split (my car and her car, my music gear and her hobbies, clothing, personal effects, etc) or we just agreed to sell it and split the resulting profit. Things were a bit easier for us because we had already documented most of our valuable items and electronics for an insurance rider we added to our home insurance a few years ago.

Things have been going well for me personally. Both of the kids spend most of their time at my place and we are still very close, which was my biggest fear in the divorce. I have a new house that I really love and I gave into the mid-life crisis urge and traded in my outdated minivan for a Lexus LC550. I even had a woman at work (not a close coworker) invite me out to a coffee date. While I was up front with her that I'm not ready to date just yet, she said she would be happy to take a rain check and would be happy to go out with me when I'm ready. I'm honestly thrilled because she's really smart, has a great sense of humor, and our positions at work are far enough apart that we don't really work directly with each other at all.

My ex and I are continuing to go through couples counseling together. We have transitioned into having closure on our marriage and making sure we maintain our relationship enough to be effective coparents. While these sessions have been great to help me process things and keep things as healthy/positive as possible given the circumstances, it has also reenforced that divorce was the right option. It's clear from some answers in the sessions that my wife immediately started dating once the divorce process started, so whatever love was there was clearly on the way out already. I'm pretty sure the coworker she was "just friends" with dropped her off at our recent session. The fact that it doesn't even really make me mad is a good sign that I was also probably done with the marriage.

In the end, it will take a long time for me to heal from the betrayal, but I feel like I'm making good progress and I can honestly say that the divorce was unquestionably the right decision. I've probably cried more in the last 4 months than I have in the last 20 years, but for the last month or so I fell genuinely good about myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying having my own life, been busy getting my 17 year old ready for college in the fall and looking forward to a coffee date with a smart, funny woman in a month or two.

Comments

Unique-Assumption619

Hang in there man, I’ve been following your story (first time commenter lol) but you’ve totally done the right thing, by yourself and your son.

Give yourself grace as you continue to process but as you said, you 100% did the right thing.

And hey, good for you for having what sounds like a lovely woman waiting for you. If anything, that proves you’re not only a good person, but others recognize you’d be a catch of a partner.

Keep living life, you’ll have loads of ups and downs but clearly you’re smart, capable, and strong. You and your son will come out alright, time is a great healer.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do not harass OOP.

My wife and I have been together for over ten years, and when we're driving together and I'm behind the wheel, sometimes she will shout, "Slow down!" out of nowhere, and then say, "Why are you driving so fast?" in a critical tone, as if the way I'm driving is obviously unsafe. Usually I bite my tongue and slow down to placate her, but the thing is, the way I drive is not unsafe (driving since '97, never got a ticket or in an accident).

My wife is generally a good driver, but much less experienced than me in snow and on gravel roads, and by her own admission she has some lingering driving-related trauma.

Yesterday she came home and told me that her car was making a rattling noise when she drove over bumps. We got into the car and I started driving down our driveway, which has plenty of bumps to hit (it's gravel and loooong), and I was driving slightly faster than usual to hit them hard to try to produce the sound she was talking about.

Suddenly, my wife yelled, "Slow down! Why are you driving so fast?"

I glanced at the speedometer and laughed, didn't slow down, shook my head and said something like, "Are you serious? What are you afraid of?"

Her response was, "I'm afraid we'll skid out and go flying off a cliff!"

Since that was physically impossible - we were going 25 km/h (15.5 mph) and there was no cliff in sight (let me remind you we were on our DRIVEWAY - the same one we have been driving up and down for the past five years), I think I laughed and said words to the effect that she was being irrational. Predictably, she got mad at me for not "validating her feelings," and I told her I wasn't going to validate her irrational fear.

She didn't ask me to let her out, so I kept driving and we survived the trip from the house to the road. Then we drove around for a while, listening to the car before going home, where my wife sulked for the rest of the evening.

We argue very rarely, but today the driving thing came up. Again, I refused to validate her irrational fear. We both got as worked up as we ever do - we're pretty calm people, but voices were raised. I told her how it annoys me when she yells at me to slow down, that it's insulting, that her fear is like being afraid of monsters under the bed, and that maybe she needs therapy to get over it.

She said I'm the one with the problem because I get annoyed when she yells at me in the car, and maybe I need therapy to work on ways to not be annoyed by it, and that I should simply do what she says in order to validate her feelings, "the way you do for someone you love."

Eventually we decided to end the discussion for the night because it wasn't going anywhere positive. She did her thing and I made a reddit account to ask this question: am I the asshole?

There's more to the story, but I hit the character limit, so I cut out a lot.

So I’m (17m) and I just got off grounding and all because I couldn’t afford a expensive Mother’s Day gift so it all started the day before Mother’s Day and I was told by my mom that I better have have gotten her something expensive or I’m grounded now mind I’m only 17 and I don’t have a job(my parents won’t let me get one) and barley have any money so I said I can’t afford something expensive and her response was that “you’re brother spent $150 on me for my birthday so if he can afford it so can you” so I said I’ll see what I can do

So Mother’s Day comes and I got her a Robin Hood funko pop because she likes the movie but when I gave it to her she asked where I bought it and I told her and she went on the stores web site and saw that it cost $12 and she threw a hissy fit saying how I’m selfish and that hurt me so much I said “you know what if anyone is being selfish is you”then my stepdad grounded me so honestly am I in the wrong here?