**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is **

Trigger Warnings: Ableism.

, Posted March 5th, 2024

“John” and I are both in our 40s. He was my friend through middle-school and most of high school. We hung out together, played the same sports, did church summer camp, etc. Basically, we grew up together. I also knew and spent time with his sister “Mary”. Mary has cerebral palsy and uses an electric wheelchair.

After graduating, John went to University while I stayed back home to work at my father’s business and go to community college part-time. Mary also went to community college and we ended up hanging out a lot. John and his family liked the idea of me being like a big brother to Mary.

Mary and I grew closer and we began having sex. We weren’t exactly dating, but it was a lot of fun for both of us. Because Mary’s family is very protective of her, we both agreed to keep our relationship a secret.

Eventually her family found out and there was an ugly confrontation with me and them. They accused me of taking advantage of Mary because of my familiarity with her and because she was disabled. Mary insisted she wanted the relationship, but they dismissed her views like they always did. John was especially angry at me, even trying to start a fist fight. My father got involved and things eventually settled down but my friendship with John and his family was over. I ended up leaving the area after I got my Associates degree and moved out of state to live with my mother.

So 2 decades have passed. I have stayed in contact with Mary, but only exchange basic pleasantries with John and his family (they are still connected with my father so it’s just a courtesy relationship). Two weeks ago, Mary came to my city and we met for lunch. It was a company event with her coworkers and vendors, but I still enjoyed seeing her again after so many years. We continued the evening at her hotel room and I ended up spending the night with her.

This Saturday morning, I woke to find a message from John. We’ve barely communicated for the last 20 years, so I was startled to see his name. Apparently he’d gotten around to looking at the pictures Mary had posted from the lunch and saw me sitting next to his sister.

It was like we had teleported back in time to 20 years ago. The same accusations and angry insults got flung at me. He dredged up shit I had forgotten about years ago. He ended his message warning me not to spend time with Mary.

I was outraged by his message. We’re two grown men, not high school kids. How can he say those things about me and his sister? In my anger, I messaged him back saying that not only did I spend time with Mary, but that we slept together again and he should get over himself.

It felt good to retaliate like that, but I immediately had doubts. When I talked with Mary, she wasn’t upset but she made it clear that she would have preferred I just ignore her brother like she does. We’re still keeping our plans to see each other again, but I realize Mary is disappointed by my childish behavior.

Am I The Asshole for my reply to John?

, Posted March 8th, 2024

So after reading the comments, I am NTA for my relationship with Mary, but my response to John was unacceptable. That's fair. I've apologized to Mary and she’s accepted my apology. That doesn't change the fact that I screwed up. For sharing intimate details without first asking Mary, I Am The Asshole. I will never do that again.

As for the fallout of my asshole moment, John sent another nasty message that got even more personal, including telling me some things about our past and my father that were very hurtful. Following the advice of the comments, I replied calmly and then blocked him.

As I mentioned in my post, I will be seeing Mary again. I am spending this spring/summer back home with my father. After his wife passed last year, he decided to wind down his business and sell our old house. I will be going back there for about 3 months to help him with the business, fix a few things at the house, help him pack, and just hang out together. It’s several decades of memories to be put away or donated so we’re taking our time. We’ll BBQ and go to baseball games like we did when I was a kid.

Mary and I are looking forward to seeing each other again this summer. Our weekend together was memorable, despite my later stupidity. There's a fair chance John will come and try to stir shit up, but I'm not stressing over it. Mary means a lot to me. It will be good to have 3 months to enjoy each other’s company before I have to leave again, this time for good. I’m sure Mary and I will stay in touch, maybe even see each other again in the future.

Thanks for the comments and messages. I read them all and Mary did too.

So that’s the update. Cheers.

Reminder - I am not OP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

Ongoing as per OOP

3 updates - Long

- 17th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

My (21F) husband (26M) told me that he listens outside the bathroom door the entire time I'm showing to see if I'm masturbating.

How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him?

Like 6 months ago my husband came bursting into the bathroom to catch me using my vibrator in the shower. He threw a hissy fit about it and said that it was "basically cheating" and guilted me into apologizing and promising not to do it again. The next time we went to use my vibrator (during sex as we basically always did) it had stopped working (mysteriously in hindsight).

I often used it in the shower I guess just because that's basically the only time I get to myself. I eventually just turned to using the shower head and one time he pounded on the door during to ask what I was doing. Again, I didn't really think much of it at the time. Tonight I was showering (and not doing anything else) and when I came out and he was being short and pissy with me.

I asked if everything was okay and he says 'So how was your "shower"?' I said fine? Confused... he goes on to say he knows what I was doing in there and I responded by asking what he was talking about, to which he replied that every time I shower he sits outside the bathroom door and listens to see if I'm masturbating. I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say. How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him?

Comments

OOP: Thank you all for your responses. They have been eye opening. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by how much more severe you're making me realize this is...

Malachite6

Also, a bit that really concerns me is the wider picture - why do you not get any time alone? Not even in the shower?

butwhatifpigshadtoes

For real, this is such an overlooked part of this post!!

DramaticHumor5363

This. OP, what does daily life look like with your husband? You say elsewhere he’s controlling in other ways, this is just the most invasive — what are those ways?

OOP: Well just as I'm reading all these replies I'm realizing all the different ways. What I eat because he thinks everything is bad for you, what I read because the books I read are also "basically cheating", who I hang out with because my friends are all losers dragging me down, that I want to go to the gym because who am i trying to show off for, why am I wearing leggings? Who am I trying to show my ass to, etc, etc, etc.

I feel so fucking stupid right now for taking this long to realize that this isn't okay

UnicornCackle

Hey, OP, you're not stupid - you're just young. You didn't get a chance to be an adult before he swooped in. So, don't blame yourself, okay? The fact that you are now seeing the problem is a good thing as so many people can't admit it for quite some time. Can you move back in with your parents? Or friends? I fear that someone this controlling isn't going to take it well if you tell him you're leaving, so either move out when he's not around or have someone else there with you. Be safe.

Update - 2 days later

TLDR: I confronted him about this being an invasion of my privacy and he did not react well. I am leaving him and moving in with a friend until I'm done school next month, before moving back home.

Thank you so much to all of the amazing people who commented and reached out. I wasn't able to respond to anywhere near all of them but I am so grateful to everyone for opening my eyes to how toxic and unhealthy this situation is.

As I stated in this update, I called my dad and basically just explained that we were having some issues, and just to ease my mind I wanted him to come down and be nearby when I talked to my husband. He did not press for more info and told me that he was on his way. He and my mom live ~6 hours away, so it's not exactly a very ideal ask but he didn't even hesitate, which I am grateful for.

He arrived Friday night and parked outside our condo and we agreed that id call him and immediately hang up if I needed him to come inside, in case my husband got aggressive or angry. I did not expect him to, since he never has before, but some of the comments made me feel like I'd better be safe rather than sorry.

I debated all day Friday about how exactly to approach this situation and how I could trigger this conversation without him shutting down or getting angry. I decided to casually approach the conversation and ask him how he'd feel about me getting another vibrator (to replace the one that mysteriously broke after he 'caught' 'me using it in the shower).

In response he asked "what for?" To which I replied "because it feels good". I knew this would be his response, but it was something along the lines of "what am I not good enough"? As it usually was in the past. I explained to him that it has nothing to do with him not being good enough, and that sex is supposed to be fun and experimental and interesting and that it was just something that would make it better for both of us.

He then suggested that I just wanted it to use on myself, to which I asked if that would be a problem. He told me that I know how he feels about that and so I asked him why he was bothered by the idea of me masturbating. He got very defensive and asked why I would want that when I could have him, so I asked if he ever felt like he'd rather just pleasure himself rather than going through the motions of having sex.

He said no and that he's "not a beta who spends his days stroking when he could be doing anything more productive". I explained to him that that was okay if it was his preference but that sometimes my sexual desires are to pleasure myself versus having sex. That's when his same ridiculous argument came out of that being "basically cheating". Pulling from another Redditor, I explained that cheating involves multiple people, and that it is impossible to be cheating if I am alone.

He told me to "fuck off and go stick the shower head between my legs". I started to get upset and realized that here is when I always back down. I feel the need to apologize and make him feel better, id usually have started something and would end up guilt fucking him because I felt bad, but I didn't.

I told him that he made me feel like he was trying to control me and my body and that I wasn't okay with that. He told me I could "go be a fucking whore somewhere else then" and got up off the couch and ran upstairs. I could hear him slamming my drawers open and acting like he was putting my clothes in a bag. I resisted the urge to run up there after him and just decided to sit there and see what would happen.

Eventually he came back downstairs and apologized and said that he's very uncomfortable with the idea of me masturbating in our home, when I asked him to explain why, he said because it makes him feel unwanted. I told him that this isn't true, and that I do want him, but sometimes I just want that and he said "okay I guess".

I decided to leave it at that for the night, and didn't want to press any further. I told my dad it was okay to go and that I was so sorry for wasting his time and he told me he'd be staying the weekend at a hotel just to be safe.

Eventually we went up to bed and I realized if I left it at that it would just get swept under the rug like it always does. I'd go on putting up with this until it came full-circle again and I was not going to do that to myself.

I decided to ask him about him telling me that he listened to me when I showered. I told him I wanted to talk about it and he told me that he was just joking and that "I'm a fucking moron if I actually thought he was serious". I told him that it was an odd joke, especially considering he was angry and very much not laughing when he told me.

He insisted that he was joking and I told him that i didn't believe him. He then responded by saying he wouldn't do it again. This went in circles for a bit before he finally admitted to deciding to do this after catching me in the shower. Instead of accusing him of anything, I asked him if he thought that was an invasion of my privacy, to which he informed me that we are married and I do not have privacy.

I told him that was an issue and that in order to have a healthy marriage we both needed privacy. He was determined that there is so such thing as privacy in marriage, so I flat out asked him if he wanted me in the bathroom while he was pooping. He said no, I said "right , because you want your privacy". He told me that's different.

Over the course of the next 10 minutes or so, this escalated from a simple conversation into a full blown screaming match, and we got absolutely nowhere in our argument. It was like talking to a brick wall. I was so heated by this point that I don't even remember what was said, but he eventually told me I was: a fucking worthless whore, that i had nothing without him, that my vag was disgusting and made him sick, that I was fat and no one will ever want me (I'm 125 lbs btw), that im lucky someone like him would even look in my direction, etc, etc, etc.

I could barely see my phone through the tears and I called my dad and asked him to come get me.

My husband looked at me and said "you're fucking dad isn't driving 6 hours to come get you you dumb fuck". I started to grab some random things of mine and yelled that he was here staying in town, and he broke down and started sobbing.

He told me that he knows he's controlling, that he has serious issues, and that he's terrified of losing me. He said that he knows he's not good enough for me and that he's so afraid of losing me that he's pushing me away to save himself the inevitable heartache. He said that if he ever lost me he'd k*** himself.

As I watched this grown ass man snotting and crying in a heap on the floor, I kinda realized that I feel nothing for him. Like, nothing. The blinders I've been wearing were removed and I no longer saw the handsome, intelligent, caring, strong man I once did. I saw a pathetic, abusive, controlling, sad, and sick person. I came to the realization in that moment that there's no fixing this, and even if he does change, I would never trust him or see him in the same way again.

My dad knocked on the door and my husband ran and hid in the bathroom. I took my bags and went outside to meet him. He asked me if I wanted to talk about what was going on and I said no. He asked what I needed from him and I asked if we could just go back to his hotel room. He asked if my husband hit me and I said no.

Before we had even gotten to the hotel my husband began texting me. It started with pleading with me to stay and forgive him and turned into insults over the course of the next day or so. He never threatened me physically, but told me if I didn't come home I'd lose him forever, that I'd be losing out on the best man I'd ever have, etc, etc. he told me that his friends laughed at him for being with such an ugly bitch, that his parents hate me because they know I'm not good enough for him, that I couldn't get pregnant because I'm probably a fucking whore banging other guys on the side, that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, and so much more.

I'm leaving. And not because Reddit told me to, because I'm genuinely not even remotely interested in staying with him and because I deserve better.

I spoke to a friend from school, and will be staying with her until I'm done school next month. After that, I'm going home to figure some things out and get a fresh start.

I'm currently in bed in a hotel room with my dad and have never felt more loved or safe. He is going to go over to the house tomorrow and retrieve my belongings, after which he is helping me move into my friend's apartment and then heading home.

I don't have much to say at this point other than thank you again to everyone who made me realize how dangerous this situation could have been. I was determined that we were not going to divorce but after Friday night I don't think there's any going back to that. I'm over it. I might update again, I might not. But making that post genuinely might have saved my life. Thank you.

Comments

MrOceanBear

Make sure you turn off the location sharing. If you are on his phone plan get on your own/your parents. Good luck

MissMarionMac

Also: Change all of your passwords to ones you've never used before. If he's listed as your emergency contact anywhere (school, doctor's office, etc), contact them and change that. Put down a friend you trust, and/or your parents. You should talk to a lawyer before you do anything to any shared financial accounts, but any bank accounts etc that are just in your name--lock those down and make sure he can't access them.

BikingAimz

And at the very least, if you do share bank accounts, print out the last year of bank statements, or take screenshots. That way if there is tampering, you already have a paper trail. Your future lawyer will thank you.

Things to consider? - same day

I'm about to go through a divorce with an abusive husband. I'm wondering what are some of the things to consider, how I can get this done quickly and avoid being anywhere near him? I'm planning to move back home at the end of June/early July when I'm done school and it's quite a distance (~6 hours) from where we live now. Will there be any need to travel back and fourth? Thanks in advance for the advice.

Last post from OOP - 1 day later

Text Message from ex -

LMfao. Stopped sharing location cuz your getting fucked at some other guys house

Comments

pantan

How fast did he notice after you turned it off?

OOP: It notifies the other person so pretty much Immediately

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 14th May 2024

- 14th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

AITA for telling my husband his “fragile masculinity” is costing us money?

Back in late 2021, my husband Craig (M46) and I (F44) welcomed our fourth child into the world. As a result, we needed to upgrade one of our cars to something larger. We decided to trade in my super reliable Toyota RAV4 for something bigger since I was the one who drove the kids around most often.

I was open and ready to embrace minivan life and was planning to buy something reliable and safe, like a Honda or Kia. But Craig had his heart set on an SUV; in his mind, minivans were "too feminine." So, against my better judgment, we ended up purchasing a used 2018 Mercedes GLS 450, mainly due to his insistence. He argued that this car would offer similar space to the Kia/Honda minivans I wanted but with added luxury. Since it was priced like a loaded Honda van, we went ahead with it.

After two years, I can safely say we made the wrong choice. While the car does have good passenger space, it doesn’t seem to have as much cargo room as those minivans. The reliability has been junk. The car has had 8 recalls during our ownership. Even when not recalled, it spends too much time at the dealership because something always seems to be broken. Some repairs have been covered under warranty, but we've still shelled out over $9k (maintenance not included). The car hasn’t even racked up that many miles.

Below are just some of the annoyances:

The shifting can be rough. Sometimes, I press on the gas and the car barely moves, and when it does, it's jerky.

The shifting can be rough. Sometimes, I press on the gas and the car barely moves, and when it does, it's jerky.

For the past few weeks, the check engine light has been turning on randomly.

Numerous electronic issues.

Since the car's problems have stepped up in the past few weeks, I'm beyond fed up. I don't feel safe driving it around with my kids and I've even started getting nightmares about it stranding us in the middle of nowhere. Craig always downplays this and claims that it's normal for the car to have some issues.

Making things worse somehow, Craig's sedan has started developing issues lately. It has begun to refuse to start some mornings and will sometimes shut itself off when it comes to a stop sign or red light.

On Saturday, I was supposed to drive our eldest to his soccer game and then take my younger kids to the doctor's office. When I turned on the Mercedes, it sounded very rough, the engine light was on, and the temperature reading was extremely wrong. I don't bother risking it and end up ubering with the kids.

I told Craig about it that night. He listened at first, but when I suggested selling it, he cut me off and said that he wasn’t getting a van just because I wanted that. It was so combative and defensive the way he said it, and because I was so tired from the day, I lashed out. We argued it got heated and I ended up saying "Your fragile masculinity is costing our family so much money". In retrospect, maybe my tone was harsh, but he was being needlessly difficult. We haven’t really spoken much since then. I'll also be ubering to work this week since I won't be touching that car.

AITA?

Edit - For those wondering about the car's condition, I've included the I took of it on Saturday when I started it up. The engine light is on and it was saying the temperature was -12°F when it was really something like 60°F

Context - For those wondering, this isn't the first instance of his masculinity being threatened by something minor. He also refuses lip balm and purple dress shirts among other things.

Comments

shestammie

I don’t get it. You’re the primary user of the proposed car and he has his own. Even if you give in and call the car “womanly” what’s his insistence that his wife - presumably a woman - doesn’t drive it?

OOP: We we go on road-trips he usually drives, also he'll sometimes use it to take the kids to school and their other activities and he doesn't want anyone confusing him with a "soccer-mom". It sounds so childish when I write it out and read it back to myself

GoodGirl99999

So he’s worried someone will look at him and think he has a girlie car? Damn. He’s a tool

hungrytravler

I donno......a dad in a minivan with his wife and kids is clearly a virgin!!!

yavanna12

My first date with my now husband I asked him what vehicle he drove. He looked embarrassed and pointed out the window to a van. I excitedly asked if it was a Pontiac Montana as I had fond memories of my old Montana. It was. He took me to see it and on the dash was a stack of coupons. I knew in that moment this man was the one I was going to marry. The van and coupons were a major turn on

loftychicago

I had an ex who made fun of me for using coupons... until he saw how much I saved on one shipping trip. Then he was all, "Dang, now I know why you're rich." Well, richer than him.

Husband's Perspective - same day (heavily downvoted)

Before I begin this post; I'll add the disclaimer that this post is written from the perspective of the husband from the first post (SEE HERE)

My wife showed me the post she made this morning so that I could see how people were reacting to her perspective. I was honestly quite surprised by the comments, so I asked her if I could make a follow-up post to clarify my position.

Firstly, I want to emphasize that I did NOT buy a lemon, as some people seem to think. We had the car inspected by a mechanic before purchasing it, and the Carfax report we obtained was clean.

I understood that my wife (let's call her Ava) would be the primary driver, but I wanted a car with some ground clearance and AWD since we sometimes drive along dirt roads when we go on vacation (and renting a car for these instances didn't seem practical). In my mind, this requirement ruled out the Honda or Kia minivans. Additionally, I feel that a minivan is unnecessary for us as we only have four children. I'll admit that I have a personal bias against minivans because they are exclusively mom cars. The Mercedes on the other hand, has been expensive to repair and does experience frequent problems, but when it is fully operational, it is an excellent family cruiser. I understand that it's unreliable, but I think the idea of it stranding my family in the middle of nowhere is a stretch.

Now onto the day of the argument.

I was at work on Saturday, so I was unable to take the kids to their activities and appointments. When Ava sent me a picture of the gauge cluster of the Mercedes, I did offer to come back home and drop off my car for her to use, but she declined for two reasons. Firstly, she didn't think it would have enough space (it is a 2017 Chevy Impala, so it has a lot of space), and secondly, she was wary due to a minor stalling issue. At that point, we agreed that using an uber was the best solution.

Saturday night, I arrived home exhausted from work at the hospital. All I wanted to do was eat dinner and catch up on the Spurs match. The argument happened around this point. I did try to be supportive; however, I still hold reservations about owning a minivan, and I felt that her comment about masculinity was both unhelpful and unnecessary.

Call it poetic justice if you will, but this morning when I was getting ready to take the kids to school and daycare, my Impala wouldn't start at all. Now we have two broken cars, and the entire family is relying on uber. It can't be the battery or alternator since both were replaced within the last year, so I haven't got a clue what it is.

I've accepted my wife's point of view, and we'll be looking at new car options later this week. She is very pleased about this and has mentioned that she considers this acceptance as an alternative to an apology from me. However, now she wants us to replace both cars.

As for the lip balm and the 'purple shirt,' my opinion is that most lip balms look too much like lipstick, and I don't find them hygienic since you essentially rub your old germs back on every time you use them. The shirt in question was more pink than purple and more than that, it was far too tight for my liking.

I hope this clarifies things and provides a better understanding of our situation.

Edit - For those wondering, my wife isn't paying for repairs on her own. We take the repair bills out of our joint account.

Comments (none were supportive)

WeEatATrain

Get over your feelings. Get safe vehicles, be a good parent and partner, and take care of your kids and wife.

CanYouBeHonest

He only has 4 kids so a minivan isn't needed! That might be the dumbest backwards argument I've ever seen.

Also, it's a mom car. I get why he feels that way. This dude is just an insecure loser that thinks his car says something about him that he can't project on his own. I wish women would quit having sex with guys like this. You're ruining the world.

Update - 6 days later

Craig and I were able to put the issue regarding the Mercedes behind us, and for the past week, we've been working towards finding a replacement. He was still leaning towards an SUV, and while I considered his opinion, it was ultimately my decision to make.

After shopping around for a few days, we purchased this lovely black minivan on Friday. In the short time we've owned it, I can confidently say it surpasses our Mercedes in essentially every way. The comfort is superior, the technology is better, but most importantly, it accommodates the whole family and all our belongings with space to spare. Beyond that, I feel safe transporting my children or just running errands.

Craig has also admitted that the minivan was a better choice. He has read many of the responses from previous posts and acknowledged that wanting an SUV, despite the current size of our family, was a bit impractical. He's even opened up to potentially using lip balm; however, the purple shirt I liked is still a no since he thinks it's too snug-fitting and more pink than purple. He has been in a good mood since Arsenal lost or something, which I guess partially explains his newfound agreeableness.

Currently, we only have the one working van. We will be taking the Mercedes into the garage at some point in the future and then hopefully selling it shortly after. We plan to take the Mercedes to the garage in the near future and hopefully sell it soon after. Additionally, Craig's personal car will also need some repairs.

Comments

MechaMogzilla

Imagine only being open to change because one group of people kicked a ball better than another instead of you know to be a better person.

TaterMA

Some times the balls get in the way

AerieApprehensive181

Just for the Arsenal comment he is an asshole.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My daughter(14F) came out to me(40M) and doesn't want my wife(42F) to know

Originally posted to &

TRIGGER WARNING: homophobia, emotional abuse, depression

March 15, 2024

I(40M) and my wife(42F) have been married for 5 years. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Her mother wanted nothing to do with her when she was born. When I met my wife, she was worried about being a bad step-mother to my daughter. They became close and they do a spa day every mother's day.

My daughter has very long hair down to her shoulders. She hates putting it up in ponytails and she complains about the length of time it takes to blow-dry. She's a big tom-boy and one of her friends recommended she gets a pixie cut. I booked her an appointment to get the cut she wanted and she was very happy. She's been in such a great mood and loves having the short hair.

When I brought her home to see wife, my wife dropped what she was doing and looked like she was about to faint. She asked why I allowed daughter to cut all her hair off. I told her that this is the cut my daughter wanted. My wife got furious and started telling me about how I ruined daughter's image. I shot back at her to get over the hair-cut as it made daughter happy. That was all I wanted was my daughter to be happy

My wife continued to complain about the haircut even around my daughter and I had to tell her multiple times to drop it. My daughter has been very depressed and it's worrying me. I have been giving my wife the cold shoulder and she's being very cold to both me and daughter.

AITA for telling my wife to get over my daughters short hair?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

tabby51260

NTA.

My mom wouldn't let me have short hair. I got it cut short in college a little under 10 years ago and have never let it grow back out. I truly dislike long hair and can't even stand my hair touching the bottom of my neck now.

If your daughter wants it short she should have it short. It's not like she asked to start drinking or something.

OOP

That's another thing I brought up to my wife that it's just hair. It's not a big deal. I think that was the biggest issue for my daughter was it touching her shoulders. She also hated how long it took to blow-dry. I think my wife has that view that women need to have long hair because her hair is long.

March 29, 2024

My daughter and I are extremely close. She got a short hair cut a week or so ago and my wife's reaction was shocking. She wasn't supportive and it's damaged her relationship with daughter. I took daughter out for a dinner and movie and during dinner she told me that she liked girls. I am super supportive of her and gave her a big hug. She asked me if I would not tell her step-mother as she was worried about her reaction. I told her that I would not tell her as my daughters happiness is everything.

My wife and I were talking and she was upset that daughter was not talking with her. I simply explained to her that her reaction with the hair has damaged their relationship. I went on a sort of long rant that daughter does not feel comfortable telling her anything. I'm having trouble sleeping at night and I can tell that daughter is struggling living with her step-mother. Daughter is in therapy and she seems to be doing better. She even told me that there is girl in her class that she has a crush on.

I've been having thoughts about divorce as I want the absolute best for my daughter. My wife still doesn't think she did anything wrong and it's put a huge strain on our relationship.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Garbage-Striking

Ultimately you need to put your daughter first, and I commend you for doing so. You don’t say, but is there any chance that your wife might come to accept your daughter’s sexuality?

OOP

I'm not sure. My wife's parents are not supportive of the LGBT community. My wife never mentioned if she was supportive or not.

May 15, 2024

I apologize for not updating sooner. There was so much that happened between my original post to now. My wife and I had a long talk about daughter. She admitted that she could not stand seeing my daughter with her haircut and blamed me for encouraging her choices. I did not say anything and let my wife get everything that she wanted off her chest. She asked me repeatedly if daughter was gay and I told her that daughter is old enough to tell her. The look on my wife's face just showed disgust and discomfort.

My daughter and I had a long conversation and she told me that she did not feel comfortable with being around wife anymore. My wife and I were arguing more and overall things were not getting better. I suggested counseling and she turned that down. I finally decided that I needed to do what is best for my daughter. I spoke with a close friend who is an attorney and have started the divorce paperwork. My soon to be ex did not take the divorce news well and packed a bag and is currently living with her sister in another state.

My daughter seems a lot happier and it's given us time to do more things together. She and I will be doing lots of camping and trips this summer. My ex hasn't been in any contact with daughter at all.

I appreciate all the comments and advice. I'm definitely feeling better and seeing my daughter happy is all I care about.

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My (25M) best friend (25M) sleeps with married women and he crossed the line last week

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

  May 8, 2024

My best friend has a thing for married older women.

Over the years he has had surprising success in this area. It started when he was 18 and slept with a married 30 year old woman with a kid. They were both waiters at a restaurant and after months of flirting she slept with him.

In the 7 years since there have been 12 of them. All married or engaged, with ages ranging from 30 to 52. In the beginning I thought the whole thing was funny but as the years have gone on I have grown disgusted by this behavior.

If we are at a bar and he sees a bachelorette party he is hitting on the bride to be. He coaches his nephews little league team just to meet the moms. He’s had to leave 3 different jobs because he was sleeping with married coworkers and the husbands found out leading to confrontations while he was on the job.

The last straw for me was last week. I recently got engaged and my fiancé’s family threw us an engagement party. It wasn’t a surprise so my fiancé and I both invited who we wanted and one of the people I wanted there was one of my former managers at work, let’s call him Tom. I am a CPA at a big firm and Tom was really a mentor to me when I started. He left to work in industry but we kept in touch and are still close. Tom is 40 and just the nicest guy you will ever meet.

So he and his wife (38F) come to our engagement party. I had never met his wife before, she is beautiful by the way. And at one point during the party I see my friend talking to Tom’s wife while Tom took a phone call. I immediately go over and interrupt the conversation and pull my friend aside and tell him to not even think about it. My friend says he wasn’t. Which was bullshit but I thought he took my warning seriously.

I was wrong. A few weeks later Tom calls me and tells me that his wife had been acting strange since the engagement party and he went through her phone and found text messages with another guy. The texts included nudes exchanged on both sides and it was very clear that they had met up for sex. Tom had confronted his wife the night before and of course it was my friend who she’d slept with.

Tom was devastated, crying on the phone. He wasn’t even angry he just wanted to know why she did it and was asking me to talk to my friend to get some more details. I called my friend right after I got off the phone with Tom and exploded on him, basically ending our 20 year friendship.

It’s been a week and my friend hasn’t stopped apologizing. Other than his despicable behavior with married women he has been a good friend to me. We have been like brothers since kindergarten. It hurts to throw away someone who has been such a big part of your life but I just can’t be party to this anymore. I’m making the right decision, right?

TLDR: My best friend sleeps with married women and I don’t know if I can be friends with him anymore.

  EDIT:

I do want to add that aside from my friend’s bad morals with married women, he has been a really good friend to me over the years. If I needed anything he was the first one there. He’s never slept with any of the girls I’ve dated and never tried. 

A lot of people are also saying that my fiancé would be next but that is ignoring the fact that my fiancé would never cheat on me. A cheater has a personality defect. My friend clearly has one but so do the women that cheat on their husbands. They are all inherently narcissistic and care only about their personal gratification. My friend hit on my fiancé before we met and she shot him down abruptly then. I’m not worried  about her. But I am sick over Tom and I do bear responsibility for what happened. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

druscarlet

Yes. He did not respect your request. He lied to your face and will do it again. Ruining other people’s marriage for sport is sad.  I would not put hitting on your fiancé past this sick guy.

OOP

He actually hit on my fiancé first the night we met and she shot him down. My friend usually isn’t shot down so I felt I needed to go and talk to this girl and now we are getting married.

He wouldn’t cross that line with me I don’t think but who knows if she was into him. 

~

Beginning-Stop7646

Although your friend is a selfish AH and needs therapy it takes two to tango. Every single one of those women should've and could've have said no, but they didn't. For whatever reason, they chose to cheat on their spouse's. I am pissed for you though bc you asked him personally not to do it again especially towards someone you looked up to he still did it. He's not trustworthy whatsoever. What if he tries again with your wife or someone else's wife in your family? 

OOP

I justified his behavior when I was younger because he wasn’t the one married. I thought what the hell is wrong with these women that they would throw their lives away for sex. But deliberately trying to tempt these women started to disgust me a few years ago 

~

Disastrous-Assist-90

You need to be honest with the fact that you were totally fine with him destroying other peoples lives right in front of you, but because it didn’t directly impact you, you excused it.

OOP

But I wasn’t fine with it I just wasn’t ready to end a 20 year friendship over his poor decisions. 

OOP on why Tom called him

If you know anything about public account especially in large firms you would know that you spend a lot of time with the people you work with. If you are in audit you spend months and months literally in the same room as your co workers. You eat all three meals with them and see them more than your family. 

Tom was good to me and we became friends. He called me because it was my friend who his wife slept with. It wasn’t to get comfort or support. 

What his fiancée thinks of his friend and does she know he sleeps with married women

She’s known from the start. She doesn’t like it when I go out with him. 

&

My fiancé is grossed out by him. He hit on her first the night we met and she shot him down. I’m not worried about my fiancé. 

Remember that we had been friends for a very long time before he started doing this stuff. It’s not so easy to just cut someone off because they do things you disagree with. We were like brothers, I thought he would do anything for me. 

  May 15, 2024

It’s been about a week since I posted and I wanted to give an update on how things ended up with my now former friend. I agreed to meet with him last night and hear him out. So we went for a drink and he apologized profusely for putting me in this spot and said he would never do that again.

So I took this opportunity to really express how disgusted I was with his behavior and that I couldn’t be friends with someone that intentionally tries to ruin families. I tell him Tom and his wife have 2 children they were happily married and he’s now destroyed their family. I ask if that is something he feels bad about. He says yes but I can tell he’s bullshitting.

I ignore the fact that he’s lying because I want to know how all of this went down. Tom’s wife didn’t want to share alot of detail with him so I promised that I would find out as much as I could. So I ask to see the texts between them. He resists but I threaten to walk out and never talk to him again so he gives me the phone.

He contacted her on Facebook after the party and they talked there for a day or two before switching to text. The conversations turned sexual very quickly and it was clear that Tom’s wife was interested in a quick fling. She says in the texts that she loves her husband but that doesn’t stop her. I’m shocked by this but my friend isn’t. This isn’t the first happily married woman who took up is offer for strings free sex.

Beyond what is in the texts my friend says Tom’s wife just wanted a temporary escape, to be someone she can’t be with her husband and once she got it out of her system she would just go back to normal.

Then he starts telling me what she was like when they were together but I stop him. I say we aren’t teenagers anymore and none of this is funny. I tell him I’m done with this and both you and Tom’s wife disgust me.

I leave and block his number. I know I should have done this years ago but I didn’t. I call Tom after I leave and lie. I say I wasn’t able to get any detail. I can’t tell him that his wife just wanted some wild sex. That isn’t something I would want  to know. Tom and his wife are a going to go to counseling. If it were me I’d divorce her. The level of disrespect is off the charts but maybe Tom is a better man than me.

My fiancé is happy that I have finally cut off my now former best friend. But I am sad, I hope he gets help someday before he fucks with the wrong guys wife. Thanks for listening.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AllInkalicious

You are making a massive mistake in not telling Tom and it makes me doubt your sincerity.

If you know that’s she purposefully betrayed him for meaningless sex why would you not tell him? Who knows what’s she said or promised that can be contradicted or shown to be more lies with your truth.

After years of applauding and supporting your scumbag friend’s behaviour, this is your one chance to help someone.

OOP

He already knows they had sex and he’s seen a lot of the texts. I just couldn’t tell him that she wants to have wild sex with someone else that she doesn’t want to have with him. She apparently just isn’t attracted to him like that, he doesn’t bring that out in her. I wouldn’t want to know that. I don’t know how I would have sex with her ever again know she thought they of me.

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My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, possible controlling behavior

  May 7, 2024

My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.

However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.

We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex. This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.

I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.

I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household. In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.

We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.

Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.

tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/MISSING REASONS

Commenters looked at his history and found they were swingers

We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue.

I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.

If this is a consequence of swinging

This issue existed long before the lifestyle.

&

I agree that swinging wasn’t a solution in the end. Never was meant to be, it was more of discovering or exploring if she felt any different. If that was the case, we agreed we would talk about and if we arrive at the conclusion that “myself” is the problem and she has no problem with other men, we would amicably part ways. However this wasn’t the case. She didn’t like sex nor intimacy there either. She was very much in control of that whole swinging situation. And yes, I went along with it. What gives? It felt very organic and it was her “effort” if you will, to discovering more and learning more about our current issue. I saw it as a means of learning if I’m the problem and was very much ready to accept that. It turns out it wasn’t the case.

Six years of miser sound awful. I would very much hate that.

OOP on if the this started when the swinging ended

Finally a comment on the swinging topic with actual insight. 

You’re absolutely right about the fact that the swinging experience had things/changes that will impact our marriage and lives forever. For example, the best thing swinging taught us (even above sexual exploration) was the level of transparent and open communication it requires.  We would literally have mental orgasms having dialog with such intentionality.  We implemented that in ALL our lives and areas including parenting with our children. She even agrees that we’re thankful for that takeaway from our swinging.  Honestly, I cannot stress it enough with people here. Yes, we explored swinging, however it was actually a positive experience. When we decided to stop, it was because it felt natural and organic to just do so. In fact, we met with that couple who we mesh super well with the night before. We actually enjoyed the actual friendship and even spent time as vanilla friends. So it wasn’t because of something negative. Wife mentioned that it certainly wasn’t any better and since she’s not enjoying the sex we both agreed there’s no point to this. I agreed and we moved on and we’re still friends with those people because it’s great.

All that said I know, more often than not, swinging causes massive issues. However, this was something we explored in pursuit of a solution to an issue that was present way before. I think of it as taking a “practical” approach to trying to solve the problem.

  May 15, 2024

Original post:

I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.

One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives. We experience sever poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids. I mentioned this in  the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.

For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even  though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.

At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.

Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).

I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.

I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.

I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship. I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.

Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.

Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it." She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues. We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her  that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself. I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.

We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less." This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.

I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen. I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign. Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done.  We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.

Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on  this topic and I wish you all the best.

TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CatsGambit

So, I'm going to assume that your wife has a lucrative job and you are both going 50/50 on childcare, as you both work and share children. Because otherwise, this approach is just plain financially abusive (and if you're planning on saying "I won't pay the bills unless you have sex with me", sexually abusive as well).

Assuming that is the case and you aren't a total POS, I'm actually interested in how this works out for you. I feel like I'm in an unstated, similar situation- we both work and have blended finances, but we don't go to bed together or eat together, have barely any intimacy (a kiss or two, hugs every couple days), and spend.... maybe 8 hours a week together, just the three of us (him, me, and the toddler). Even less just the two of us- maybe 3 hours a week? Otherwise, he is on his game, or out playing sports, watching youtube, or whatever else he does. It barely feels like a friends situation, let alone a marriage. I'm curious how she handles it, as the spouse that presumably was pulling away first- I hope you keep us updated.

OOP

Yes we both have degrees, good careers and while I make significantly more money, her salary is very proficient and above average. The 50/50 was not to cripple nor hurt her financially (that is cruel) but mostly to send a message on what a “roommate” dynamic looks like in the real world.

I really dislike how people immediately jump to conclusions about the finances as a way of manipulating her. It’s not the case at all. Plenty of money left over after bills. However 50/50 means she has less “whatever” money AND the understanding that roommates share everything equally.

Prior to this 180 approach, we did everything together and with our kids. We always saw ourselves as a “unit” that do things together. Both alone and with the kids too. That’s changed now where I’m choosing to focus on more independent type of pastimes and focus. That is what has sparked her reaction and realization of “there’s more” than just roommates here.

~

TheLoneJackal

How does one dump half of the household expenses on the other person if they share a bank account? Or are your finances kept separately? Just curious how this would work if applied to my life.

OOP

Excellent question. We shared everything. The proposed 50/50 was suggesting we place the necessary amount to pay bills in the same account and any leftover money can be deposited to a new account. I think this is why she was very upset. She felt a huge loss of control knowing she won’t be able to monitor my finances. Also, she felt a huge loss in her left over money with this arrangement and saw that I would keep significantly more of my own. This is still being worked out because I think she is calling my bluff here but my plan is to notify her next week as I modify my direct deposit and open a new account. It will definitely be more real there.

TO BE CLEAR (for all the trolls here) yes, she will have less leftover money after responsibilities and it’s still enough to live on.

EXAMPLE (for reference): Assume I make $3000 a month, she makes $1000 a month. Responsibilities are $1000 a month. So she’d contribute $500 and I would contribute $500. Where before she would contribute only $250.  

This is the last comment I’ll add regarding money and finances. She’s fine and she’s not hurting. I PROMISE

When asked what if she leaves for another man

Interesting. She has no shortage of men hitting on her and we’re by no means jealous people. So I’ve witnessed this multiple times and her reactions are somewhat indifferent. I will say, if another man for her was the answer, she’d tell me or she’d have some inkling maybe?

There’s no telling but I think the problem is deeper than superficial attention from a different person.

&

You might be right. And if this is the case, so be it. However, I’ll live with peace knowing I left no stone left unturned.

CRAZY THOUGHT: I know I would be disappointed and saddened if she did leave for another man that would accept the bare minimum BUT I’d also feel a peace knowing it’s not all my fault (I know I’m responsible in some way to some degree. That’s just marriage). I know sadness and depressing will creep but we’ll both overcome but if this does happen at least there will be clear reasons and clarity as to why it did. Also, I know for a fact it she wouldn’t cheat. We’re both very blunt open and transparent. She would definitely tell me that she wants to step out on our marriage before it actually happens. As would I. We owe ourselves this respect for each other and we actively practice it.

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

The Context

is a sub for, well, short guys to discuss “all aspects of height, heightism, and how it affects us in all areas of life.”

His post in full is below:

Can we all stop praising the tall pieces of shit that come here pretending to care?

This sub always mocks for simping tall guys, but without fail, every week there’s at least one person claiming to be tall posting a wall of text apologizing or pretending to understand or care about what we go through.

Honestly, who are these people confusing? They have literally zero reason to care about what deal with. Even if they did, there’s nothing they can do. Ironically enough, this is one topic they can talk about and slits and normies still won’t care. They'll continue to see us as subhuman and treat us accordingly, while the tall pos will continue to reap their undeserved social benefits.

People here need to wise up. THESE PEOPLE DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. TELL THEM TO DO NOTHING MORE THAN TO EAT SHIT AND FUCK OFF.

The post isn’t well received by all, with some tall user chiming in to defend their participation in the sub and things escalate from there.

The Drama:

Someone has a take, which leads to a slapfight and demands for others to kneel:

They deserve to pass their genes on more than us manlets sadly

Bro why you under every comment sucking off tall dudes lol, just go to atp

You’re pathetic. Get a fucking grip.

Tall dudes usually have higher grip strength so even if I did get a “grip”, a tall guy could just effortlessly overpower me like what alphas do to betas

[Continued:]

Can we ban this guy already?

For what? Plus I’m taller than you and you’re being rude

What a fucking loser lol. Everyone point and laugh at this guy

Laugh at what? A 5’3 guy being aggressive to a member of this sub? I have an inch on him and he’s mad. Jesus.

“You have an inch on him”… and? Are you trying to imply you’re superior to him because of that? You’re on a forum for short men. He is a protected class here. You are actually inferior to HIM here, because he’s shorter.

And I can say that because I have an inch on you, so you need to shut the fuck up and obey me. Cuck bitch.

You’re pathetic.

[Continued:]

What are you crying about? I literally have an inch on you and you’re mad. Jesus.

I wear size 14 shoe, for all intents and purposes I have a tall man frame. You probably don’t even carry the tall genetics like I do

For all intents and purposes I am taller than you, bitch. Kneel.

Haha okay buddy. Cope more.

I’m a legit 5’4 barefoot evening. You’re probably a 5’5 morning in air forces coper

Haha

“Cope more”

I’m taller than you. You are inferior to me. Kneel.

[Continued:]

Mods can we buy this guy? He’s prob not even 5’5

mods should ban me for posting exactly the same stuff you’re posting? And acting like you do? 😂

Yeah but I’m a prolific member of the community who is widely respected and verified at 5’4”

I have multiple posts with hundreds of upvotes, widely supported by the mods and cherished here.

You’re a nobody, and probably 6ft 5 instead of 5ft 5 and just lying to put down short kings.

“Prolific member of the community” that repeatedly tries to humiliate men shorter than him and constantly puts down short men in general by calling them betas. Lol. I don’t respect you at all and neither do the hordes of people who downvoted your posts😂

Why would I put myself down you fucking idiot?

Most of my stuff is satire , with some truth mixed in.

[Continued:]

“Satire” lol no it isn’t, you’re some shitty 4chan troll pretending to be short as a psy-op

One user takes issue with OOP:

It looks fake, because of all the virtue signaling that is going on. If you really want to empathize with the group, then why not spread the message and try to help short men in a genuine way. Otherwise, nothing gets done.

I get that and I understand that it kind of looks like that most of the time. Of course standing up for short guys shouldn’t be limited to reddit, where you actually get feedback (or praise) for your words. It means nothing if it isn’t an attitude that you apply to your everyday life and in conversations with others, regardless of the presence of someone actually affected. I‘m also open to input as to how I can do better!

How you can do better?

Start by getting the fuck off this board. You don’t belong and you are unwanted.

I am able to accept that you and some others see it like that. However, me posting on this subreddit is in accordance with the rules. „While everyone of all heights are welcome to post in this subreddit, your posts and comments must be respectful of short guys. Denying the existence of heightism, using anecdotes to undermine the experiences of short men/ scientific studies, and humble-bragging about your height (or your partner's height) will result in a ban.“

[Continued:]

I really don’t care whether the rules say you’re allowed to be here or not - even though you are concern trolling and violating the rules anyway (Rule 8).

The point is you disgust the vast majority of people here, your presence is unwanted, and the right thing to do would be to fuck off. If you don’t want to do that, don’t pretend like you give a shit about the people here or “helping” them.

Feel free to prove your remark about me concern trolling. When did I do that? Apparently you just not buying it makes me a troll.

And I‘d certainly leave for good if a majority of members in this group made it clear that I am not welcome to be here. But that has not been the case so far. It‘s kinda unfair to suggest that I don‘t care at all, just because I‘m unwilling to submit to the demand of a singular member, who believes I shouldn‘t be here.

Your every reply is downvoted below zero. Take the hint and fuck off.

How about you tell me in an objective way what your concern with me participating in this subreddit is, since I can’t recall having displayed heightism or disrespectful commentary here or elsewhere on reddit. Also, based on my previous interactions, what you just said isn‘t even true. Simply telling me to fuck off or implying I‘m a troll without any clues does not at all help me understand why I am not supposed to be here.

The objective reason you shouldn’t be here is that you aren’t welcome, and the empirical proof is that all your posts are downvoted into the negatives.

Other than that, you are a concern troll who is only here for social brownie points. Your input is worthless and in no way improves the quality of life of short men, the people who this board is for. Your kind have a board - go there and talk to them about their heightism. I’m sick of idiots who don’t belong polluting this space with their fake ass “concern” and digital hand wringing that accomplishes nothing.

If you REALLY gave a fuck, you’d be confronting heightists on other boards instead of looking for pats on the back from short men here. Fuck off

The mere fact that you decide to display your height as 6ft2 in a flair and not leave it blank tells me more about your intentions then billions of your empty comments.

[…]

Without white sympathizers, blacks would have never gotten equal rights.

Without male sympathizers, women would have never been allowed to vote.

Without straight people taking their side, gays would have never gotten mainstream acceptance.

You actually want to improve things for short men? Biting at the only people that can actually make a difference out of pure spite certainly won't help. Tall men are the only ones that can call out heightist behavior and actually be taken seriously. It's not fair, but when you look at history, that's just how it is. NO GROUP of disadvantaged people get traction on their own without support from the opposing team.

So live spitefully if you want. But you're only wallowing in the misery and actively perpetuating heightism by doing so.

Wow, where do I even begin with this stupid ass, self-important bullshit?

First of all, “blacks” can and have obtained equal rights without “white sympathizers” - examples include Haiti and literally every African democracy on earth, you stupid fuck.

Not even going to bother addressing women and homosexuals, because your post is ignoring the inconvenient (for you) fact that whites, men and straights were the reason the other groups didn’t have rights in the first place. You fucking moron. You don’t get to take credit for “helping” to solve a problem you created in the first place. I only have a problem because fuckface parasites like you have privileges you didn’t earn. It’s your fault there’s a problem in the first place. You don’t get credit for “helping” to solve the problem. It’s your moral and ethical responsibility to do it while shutting your fucking mouth and not expecting a cookie and a pat on the back for it. Otherwise, fuck off.

And to be clear - talls like you aren’t the social majority. “Short” people are the global AND local majority everywhere on earth. The majority does not “need” the minority. Black people in America weren’t able to single-handedly secure their rights because they were and are less than 15% of the population. Talls like you are in the 6th percentile. You are not needed for short men to stop being oppressed.

First of all, “blacks” can and have obtained equal rights without “white sympathizers” - examples include Haiti and literally every African democracy on earth, you stupid fuck.

First, I was obviously talking about the civil rights movement in America. Of course Black countries have rights for blacks because... they are all already black? Haiti gained their rights on their own, correct. By overthrowing and brutally murdering the fuck out of their French oppressors, which sounds about like what you would like to do, judging by this unhinged reply, which brings me to my second point: Jesus, you need to calm down.

whites, men and straights were the reason the other groups didn’t have rights in the first place

Yup. World isn't fair. And you know what? They needed sympathizers to fix it. And it got fixed as a direct result of those sympathizers. Without them, guess what? Nothing would have changed.

You fucking moron.

Calm down.

You don’t get to take credit for “helping” to solve a problem you created in the first place. I only have a problem because fuckface parasites like you have privileges you didn’t earn. It’s your fault there’s a problem in the first place. You don’t get credit for “helping” to solve the problem. It’s your moral and ethical responsibility to do it while shutting your fucking mouth and not expecting a cookie and a pat on the back for it.

When, in my post, did I ask for a cookie? All I asked is that you don't lose your mind like a raving lunatic and spit in the face of someone trying to right the wrong you are so spiteful about. Common courtesy =/= I want your eternal gratitude for saving you from my tyranny.

Otherwise, fuck off.

Seriously, what's your problem?

And to be clear - talls like you aren’t the social majority. “Short” people are the global AND local majority everywhere on earth. The majority does not “need” the minority. Black people in America weren’t able to single-handedly secure their rights because they were and are less than 15% of the population. Talls like you are in the 6th percentile. You are not needed for short men to stop being oppressed.

Us being a minority has nothing to do with whether or not we are required to stop heightism. In this case, the majority absolutely does need the minority, because otherwise women would already be taking your complaints seriously. How else are you going to stop heightism if no one is going to listen to your problems? There is literally no other viable way other than genociding everyone taller than you.

A discussion of another’s sexuality ensues:

Definitely just you,

I don’t mean it in a gay way, I’m not gay. I’m just thinking it’s likely.

When you’re out about and a guy 2-3x your size looks down on you, you don’t get that tingling feeling?

You need to have an honest convo with yourself about your sexuality lol

“I’m not gay” proceeds to say the gayest shit I’ve seen all week 😂😂

How’s it gay?

It’s natural if you see an animal bigger than you, you submit either for dominance reasons (because in nature you wouldn’t want to get killed / eaten) or mating reasons (wanting to take / experience their genes)

I’m actually gay and even I don’t feel that way.

Oh idk then, yeah I’m not gay but sometimes when a tall guy stands behind me I get that tingle

[Continued:]

“That tingle” is the gayest shit I’ve ever read lmao, sounds like you getting a boner bro

How?

You literally called it attractive lmao

A tall person chimes in, and is shouted down:

Hi I’m 5’5”. Get the fuck off my board, you piece of shit.

You're such a bad ass on the Internet. 😁

Have a great day tiger.

Wow, just like you, huh dipshit? Fuck you very much.

Hahahahaha stay classy homie 😂

Will you give up sex forever to put your "sympathy" in action not just lame words.

How would that help anyone? Would you cut off a hand to sympathize with the handless?

And I really only sympathize with not being able to reach stuff. Other than that, I see you as an equal.

How would that help anyone?

Straight women will consider short guys as sexual males. You guys have lived in enough privilege.

Would you cut off a hand to sympathize with the handless?

If I experienced equivalent privilege as a tall guy.

Other than that, I see you as an equal.

Denial of privilege is very common among gifted scums who come here pretending to have a soul

I guess stay angry then, kinda seems like that's what makes you happy.

Privileged's suffering makes me happy

[Continued:]

Sounds like you've got life figured out then. Enjoy.

The Flairs:

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Content Warning - racism

Mood Spoiler - mildly satisfying

1 update - Long

- 20th May 2024

- 21st May 2024

I plan on showing up to a Boomer's place of work tomorrow to let him see how it feels.

DISCLAIMER: I have taken the liberty to use substitute names for the people involved. As many have noted in the comments, the dialogue feels out of place and weirdly-spaced. I'll admit things have been somewhat paraphrased and summarized. Please keep that in mind as you read.

I went into my local Walmart tonight for a quick grocery trip to pick up some stuff I was low on. Quick in and out trip, 15 minutes at most. Sad to say it didn't end up being a fast trip because when I arrived at checkout, I was stuck behind a Boomer who wanted to cause a scene.

The guy in front of me was with his wife, who were arguing loudly about God knows what. They had a substantial amount of stuff on the belt, including a few large bottles of various alcohols. When the Boomer scanned his way back to the bottles of alcohol, he froze and began searching around for an associate, who I presume he wanted to come and scan his ID.

The problem was that he didn't scan any of the bottles. He just locked up and stared directly at a girl who was busy at the monitor for the Self-Checkout registers the next aisle over. After about 30 - 45 seconds of not scanning anything, he loudly shouted "Excuse me" in his most condescending tone, followed by "Can you come and scan my fucking ID please?!"

His tactic worked, as the employee in question immediately whipped around and walked over. He was doing that typical arms-crossed bullshit, looking like everything was a giant inconvenience, and I will note, homie still hadn't scanned a single bottle of alcohol yet.

When this young woman was in speaking range, the Boomer began to lay into her. "It makes me real sick to see workers just standing around when they're on the clock doing nothing when people like me have schedules to keep. Can you do your fucking job please and scan my ID?"

"Excuse me?" she responded.

"You fucking heard me. Get off your goddamn phone and scan my card so I can get the hell out of here."

Now, I would like to note a few things about this interaction up to this point. First, this individual was still in a work outfit...a mechanic's onesie for a local mom-and-pop tire company that I won't name here, but one in which I know the owner pretty well. He's a family friend. Second, he was still wearing his name tag (Eric, somehow I hope you're competent enough to find your way here so you can see this story). Because of this, I knew how to address him.

Eventually he asks the cashier very rudely if she's going to scan his ID and she flat out tells him "No, I don't think so. Not after how you've treated me. You can talk with my manager." Good for her. She gets on a walkie and calls for a manager to come to the register the Boomer was towering over and briskly walked off towards the Customer Service counter at the front of the store. The Boomer starts loudly hollering about how this is all bullshit and he's just expressing his First Amendment rights.

It was at this point where I actually found some balls and decided to give my opinion, unsolicited, just so this guy could get an outside perspective on how much of a jackass he was being. "Excuse me, but the First Amendment doesn't protect you from looking like a douche bag to random strangers in Walmart when you treat other people like shit." The guy wheeled around and locked eyes with me. "What did you just say to me?" I just smirked and said "Oh, hard of hearing are we? I'm pretty sure you heard what I said."

The guy visibly shook on the spot. "This isn't any of your fuckin' business, so butt out!"

"I disagree. When I see someone acting like an asshole for no good reason, I make it a point to speak up. You seem to think that by stating that you have a First Amendment right means you can say whatever the hell you want without consequence, but that isn't how it works, sir. First Amendment protects you from government overreach for speaking your mind, but it doesn't protect you from the consequences you face from others for your words or your opinions."

"That's besides the point. I'm sick and fucking tired of these minorities doing nothing and getting a paycheck for it." He responded, rather loudly and unaware that there were quite a few people staring at this point. Hooray. Racism has entered the chat.

The manager showed up, and he starts in on how he scanned his alcohol and that the associate in question was VERY rude to him and refused to serve him. He started stating that she told him he wouldn't get help because he was white when I interjected again.

"Ma'am, that is NOT what happened. This gentleman didn't even scan any of his alcohol and immediately started shouting down at your employee, just for the sake of being upset. He was rude, unpleasant, and even made unnecessary racial comments."

He wheeled around at me again and yelled "Shut the fuck up and mind your business!" before going on the tirade again. Something something lazy workers, something something First Amendment and speaking his mind.

"You know, this is very unfair of you." I started again. "You've put that poor girl in an unwinnable situation. Now that you've raised this untrue complaint, her manager is going to have to have words with her even though she hasn't done anything wrong. Does that sound fair to you, Eric?" I don't think he realized he was still in uniform, because he looked at me puzzled at how I knew his name. "How would YOU feel if someone came into your place of business and told John a bunch of bullshit about how YOU were treating them unfairly when you knew perfectly well that it was a lie? Or even better, how would your boss react if he knew you were acting like this WHILE STILL IN UNIFORM with his place of business plastered all over your chest?" When he heard me say the name of his boss, he stopped cold. "Yes Eric. I know John VERY well, and I think I might be paying him a visit tomorrow. That is unless you decide to apologize to that girl for being a lying prick instead."

The guy then became very rushed and suddenly in a colossal hurry. He muttered something about people not minding their own business, to which I replied with "I'm just eXpReSsInG mY FiRSt AmEnDmENt RiGHts!" Spongebob sarcastic voice and all. He scanned one of the bottles and had the manager scan his ID. His wife started in about how I better not show up to his office tomorrow...something directed at me, but I wasn't paying her any attention and brushed her off. I was just staring at Eric and watching him bag.

Eventually, he got all of his stuff put in his basket and he marched out, but he didn't apologize to the manager or the employee and gave me a hearty "Go fuck yourself, asshole!" as he flipped me off. I scanned my groceries and paid for my merchandise, but man was I smiling from ear to ear.

Afterwards, I made it a point to go and speak with the manager and the employee in the Customer Service center. As expected, the manager was having a conversation with the employee about that customer, and she thanked me for speaking up. I've worked retail before, so I know what it's like having to deal with assholes like Eric. It'd be a cold day in hell before I let a Boomer bully an employee then weasel his way into a victim role with management. Not on my fucking watch.

So now my next play is to show up to this tire shop tomorrow. I really hope Eric is there. I hope he's the opener. I'm going to walk in and just smile at him. Ask to see his manager. Then I think I'm going to go in and just weave the NICEST story about how he treated the employees at Walmart, so much so that I was compelled to stop in and tell his boss that he has a real winner on his hands, and that I'm a customer for life now.

Maybe that way, he might get a message. MAYBE, he will realize that I could have started a whole shitstorm for him, but I chose not to, because unlike him, I'm not a fucking dickhead.

tl;dr *(For the upset Boomers in this thread who don't like reading, it seems): Boomer got big mad for no reason and berated a Walmart employee while he himself was wearing his work uniform. I'll be paying his boss, a family friend, a visit tomorrow to discuss his employee's behavior while still representing his place of work.

Comments

teamdogemama

What Eric doesn't understand is that most self scan machines will notify the person at the station when help is needed.

So had he scanned a bottle of alcohol, she would have been notified and headed over.

Some even have the light above the machine flash or change color when customer service is needed.

So until someone needs help, she's not going to know they need help.

I can't wait until the update tomorrow!

OOP: This is what bothered me most. Had he just scanned even a single bottle, he would have gotten what he wanted.

Unless perhaps what he wanted was to just be angry at someone. Then he DID get what he wanted.

Taren421

People like that will never reflect on their failings. It would be better to just inform his boss on what kind of douchebag his employee is.

Weary_Nefariousness

Telling his boss the truth may save customers and coworkers from racist abuse.

Update - 1 day later

(As I stated in the first thread, I will not be disclosing this location to any of you. Took as neutral of a photo as I could. If you live here, MAYBE you'll recognize it. Take it for what it is, I guess.)

Before we begin, let me start by saying WOW, simply because when I passed out last night, I was hovering around ~350 upvotes and had a steady trickle of interaction with people. I was doing my best to respond to the comments as they came in. Then, when I woke up this morning, ya'll...I had over 1500 messages in my inbox and the thread has fucktupled in upvotes, just overnight. I'm so sorry if I didn't respond to you...it was a fool's errand to try and get to everyone.

I also want to address specifically a small handful of you...the ones I was certain would show up in the comments to basically call me a liar or say my story was fabricated. Some of the reasons you gave were pretty telling. My favorite was when someone said something along the lines of "This is too well-written to be true." What a world we live in where clear dictation automatically disqualifies a recounting of events from being accurate. I'll admit that it read closer to a novel than anything else, but that's just how I dictate I guess.

Anyways, onto the update.

I arrived at the tire shop just a hair after 8:00am. There was one gentleman in line at the counter when I arrived, but he was already being assisted by one of the associates manning the register. I took a look around and peeked my head in the back office area where I knew John typically worked when he wasn't being pulled into a bay.

John wasn't there.

As I walked towards the sitting area, I happened to ask an employee who was walking by if he knew when John would be in today. He told me John usually arrives a bit before 9:00am when he worked mornings, so I should just chill for a bit. I didn't have anything pressing to attend to today, so I did just that.

As I moved towards a seat, I happened to glance outside at the working bays and noticed my ol' buddy Eric, who was currently walking towards the main building. When he saw me, I watched as his head drooped down and I could visibly see him mutter the word "Fuck" under his breath. He stopped for just a second, shook his head, and continued walking towards the building.

When he came inside, he set a packet with what I presume was a customer order on the counter and said something to the clerk at the register. He hesitated for a moment and walked over to where I was sitting. As he approached, I greeted him with "Morning, Eric." and smiled. He just stood over me for a moment before he took a chair across the coffee table that was sitting in front of me.

Wonder what his next move was?

Honestly, I didn't expect it, but the dude opened with "I owe you an apology."

Color me shocked, I guess.

Now, you see...at this point about a billion things began to run around in my head. MOSTLY, for some reason, the things that ran most prominently through my mind were all the calls for bloodshed that popped up in the last thread. All the claims that Boomers can never learn and the only language they knew was bullying, which were thrown at me like mortars practically every step I took. Ya'll were bloodthristy last night and still were this morning, convinced that this gentleman was a drunkard asshat, but do drunk asshats apologize after doing something wrong?

Back to the story.

He continued on, saying that he didn't just owe ME an apology, but also the cashier he yelled at last night, and how he had actually planned on returning to Walmart on his lunch break to see if she was working so he could apologize to her as well. In his words "I've been dealing with a lot of personal shit in my life recently including the loss of a loved one, and I took that out on ya'll last night and it wasn't right."

Right about this time is when I noticed that John had arrived. He walked in through the door behind where Eric and I were sitting and walked straight into the back area I checked before. We will get to that later.

Guys, I honestly had no idea what to do. On one hand yes, this dude was a raging douchebag to that girl last night, but this felt genuine. I mentioned several times in the first thread that I didn't want to react hastily and this is exactly why. Had I gone in there and thrown a colossal fit and started a shitstorm, I don't know if this would have ended the same.

Anyways, I don't wish to grandstand things further. The guy apologized, I stood up and shook his hand, and I simply told him "Be good to people for no reason, man. Kindness is free and isn't a sign of weakness." We chatted a bit and had a bit of a revelation that Eric and I have a distant connection neither of us really knew about. I won't disclose what or how we knew each other for personal reasons.

Then John came out of the back office.

He recognized me and gave me a hug. Asked what I was in for. I basically told him that I ran into Eric at the store last night and wanted to check in on him and get an update on an issue he was having there.

That's when John said "Yeah, Eric I need to talk to you about that. I had a lady call me about something that happened at Walmart you were involved in."

Oh shit. I'm guessing either the manager or the cashier called John after what happened last night. I guess the ball isn't in my court any longer.

Eric gave a deep sigh and basically told John "I was a shithead to a cashier last night because I was in a hurry. I wasn't thinking and it wasn't right. I'm gonna make it right at lunch time. I hope she's working today." John then said something I didn't catch and him and Eric walked into the back room.

That's it. End of story. I took a scrap from a notebook, jotted down my "proof" and snapped a photo, then jumped in my car and left. I do apologize if this left anyone feeling unfulfilled.

I certainly hope that this brings you guys whatever closure you were looking for. I'm certain some of you aren't going to be happy with how this turned out, given how many pitchforks I saw last night. But after all this, all I can say is to not be so hasty when jumping to conclusions. People are people, ya'll. You can't really be sure what someone is going through before you jump to judgment. Some folks don't know how to ask for forgiveness or don't know how to take responsibility for their actions, but some folks can. I'm glad this resolved itself the way it did. John knows what happened and knows that it happened with his business on full display, so he can now CHOOSE how HE reacts with that information. I got the closure I needed, and I hope the cashier does too. Time will tell in that regard, I suppose.

Be good to each other. Keep being kind. It's genuinely a real-life superpower. The universe rewards kindness in kind.

Comments

Those_Arent_Pickles

but do drunk asshats apologize after doing something wrong?

When you are sitting in their workplace and they believe you might get them fired? That they are actually about to face consequences for their actions?

abso-fucking-lutely.

That's asshole 101, apologize only when it inconveniences you. It's also incredibly manipulative.

SilveredFlame

From my experience, people like that only become apologetic when it looks like they might face consequences, and that apologetic attitude lasts only for as long as it seems like those consequences are still a possibility.

The instant they believe they won't face consequences, it's right back to raging hate.

Hopefully this guy is different.

The smart money would be betting against that. Smart money doesn't always win though, and hopefully that's the case here.

Hopefully John took him to the wood shed.

That cashier ought to get some free service too, if for no other reason than just to avoid her bad mouthing the shop for having such shithead employees.

plastichorse450

Yeah, my dad is the exact same way. He can seem very genuine and even muster up tears. Honestly, I think he really does believe that this time it's different. This time he really will change. But I've spent enough of my life with him to know he won't. A month, a week, or maybe even by tomorrow he's gonna be doing the exact same shit that got him here in the first place. He can't change and by the time they're his age, if they haven't changed already, they probably won't.

Handsouloh

Contrary to what Reddit thinks most of the time, people can learn lessons and take accountability.

OOP: Almost like most people are human with intricate human experiences, and people don't always slot into the same stereotypical mold we cast for them.

ActStunning3285

I can accept his apology for his rude behavior. What I can’t accept is his racist comments that clearly show a deep and long held belief about minorities and what they do. Or the first amendment right existing so that people can be as racist as they want.

I don’t think he apologized for or held himself accountable for that behavior. Or showed any sign of wanting to do better. And learn that minorities are also people, like him.

He may apologize today, but in another few weeks he’ll make another comment about minorities doing nothing in America and expecting pay. Because it’s what he actually believes.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

My father in law lied to my husband that I cheated on him — I DID NOT (23F, 26M)

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, possible baby trapping

: October 1, 2022

My husband and his dad are best friends. They work together, hang out together. I’ve always known his dad didn’t like me but things got worse after we moved out of his house and got our own. He’ll act nice to me in front of my husband except for some non funny jokes or smart comments but the minute my husband is not around, he gets rude to me. Like reminding me that I come from a poor family, would never have a big house or nice car if it wasn’t for his son. He just constantly insinuates that I married his son for money which is not true. I got tired of mentioning it to my husband because he just brushes it off.

Father in law has told me a couple times that I should divorce his son before he "tells him the truth". I knew I haven’t done anything wrong so I didn’t know what to say. I even asked my husband exactly 2 weeks ago what would happen if his dad made up some lies about me and he said his dad would never do that.

Well he did. He told my husband that he has seen me around town with a man multiple times and that I was seen getting a hotel room with the same man. He claims he’s seen us kiss … I wasn’t around when he told my husband this. I told him it’s a lie but I can tell he is now doubting my word. I asked if his dad had some kind of proof and he said no.

Then he told me he needs to be away from me for a few days to clear his head and went straight to his dad’s. To me that just means he believes his dad’s lies. Why would his dad go out of his way to do this? And why would he just believe it?

This just seems so unfair. You’d think he would at least expect some proof before shutting me out and treating me like I did something wrong. I don’t know if I’m supposed to beg him to come back or just let his dad’s plan work? I know the longer he stays there, the more he will believe his lies …

Relevant Comments

Glittering-Wonder-30: confront him and record it either video or an audio recording. since he goes out of his way to do this everytime hubby is not around, thats the perfect chance for you to catch him in his lies. maybe record a phonecall🤔

edit: if the laws let you🤷🏻‍♀️

OOP: I called him as soon as my husband told me because I was trying to get some proof that he’s lying. He didn’t say anything incriminating and kept saying things like “I can’t believe you’d do this to him” as if he really believes that I cheated. I’m wondering if he knew I was trying to record him. That or he’s absolutely crazy.

OOP on her husband believing his father if there are no proof that OOP cheated on him

OOP: Especially when he doesn’t even have proof. Why is it that easy for him to believe his dad’s word over mine? An affair is so easy to prove. If I am having one and I’m seen around town, why can’t he prove it?

I asked for all of that and he kept saying that’s irrelevant because he trusts his dad. Then he said his dad doesn’t have proof because he never had time to take a picture of me with the other guy. It’s literally his word against mine and he decided to listen to his dad

I’m thinking of giving up for sure. This is so unfair. I never cheated on him. I’ve never done anything wrong. His dad is accusing me with absolutely no proof and if it’s that easy for him to see me as an awful person who would do this then I guess he never trusted me. He doesn’t realize how awful of a person his dad is. I have been trying to tell him for so long and at this point maybe it’s just not worth it.

OOP on her father-in-law and why he doesn’t like her

OOP: His dad thinks I’m just here for the money and I don’t know why. I’m about to leave and start over on my own. I don’t need the car or house. I’m here because I love the guy but obviously he doesn’t love me enough to at least ask for proof before seeing me as a bad person. I’d rather be on my own than continue to deal with this. If his dad is willing to go this far, who knows what’s coming next.

OOP on finding a way to prove the truth

OOP: You just reminded me that we do have ring cameras!! Now I just need to know what days and times I was supposedly out cheating at a hotel because chances are I was home those days and maybe I can use the rings to prove it. Thank you so much!!

: October 23, 2022 (3 weeks later)

I posted a few weeks ago after my father in law (who hates me) lied to my husband that I was cheating. My husband just fell for his lies without even asking for proof. Things got crazy. He assumed his dad was telling the truth and left our house to go stay at his dad’s. I kept telling him if his dad is telling the truth then he has to be able to show some kind of proof. I’m guessing that didn’t happen because my husband came back and apologized for not trusting me more.

But ever since he’s been back, he’s been obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant. Talking about it constantly, physically trying … I keep telling him I’m 23 … I’m not ready. Of course we’ll have babies but I just want to keep working on us, especially with what just happened. He doesn’t like my answers. Now he’s calling me suspicious and says my answers don’t make sense to him. It feels like we’re back to him not trusting me. I don’t know what’s going on. I just want some kind of outside input because I’m starting to really wonder if this relationship is even working.

Comments

LhasaApsoSmile: He wants you pregnant so you are tied to him. He is deeply insecure and suspicious. I'd sit him down and say that what his father did was deeply hurtful to you. Ask him if he is sorry about that? Then say that partners make big decisions, like babies, together. Is he ready to be a partner?

AND - keep your birth control in a locked cabinet or get an IUD.

JemimaAslana: I don't trust for a second that he has let go of his dad's ideas. Getting you pregnant will prevent you from cheating (in the minds of some men), but even worse: it will bind you to him through the baby.

Be very, VERY mindful of your birth control. When he's this insistent and has no respect for your wishes, he may try to sabotage your bc. Do NOT make do with condoms. They are easy to sabotage or slip off. Pills can be messed with. Make sure you either get the shot, implant or an IUD.

Don't let him babytrap you.

Get counselling.

Get him to come clean about whatever bs his dad's been spewing about how to ensure your loyalty.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and

Ongoing as per OOP

2 updates - Long

- 17th May 2024

- 18th May 2024

- 19th May 2024

AITAH for not wanting to have my step kids at my honeymoon

I ( F,28) have been in a relationship with my fiancé , Tyler ( M, 42) for the last 4 years. He has 2 kids from previous marriage ( Kids are 8.5 year old boy and 11 year old girl ) . His wife passed way when his youngest was 1 year old . He met me 3 years later . His kids are wonderful and lovely and we get along great .

We live together . I do everything for them since Tyler works long hours . They call me mom but they are aware who their real mom is . We have her pictures in their rooms , and Tyler talks about her to them all the time . We are planning our wedding . My father offered his condo in Hawaii to us so we can enjoy our honeymoon there . It was a very kind and generous offer .

When I told Tyler he was so grateful . Then he said “I bet kids will have a blast” . I looked at him in disbelief and said “kids?! “ He said yes! I said that’s our honeymoon! I don’t wanna be a mom on my honeymoon. We can go on plenty of family trips later but this is our honeymoon! He said “I was honest with you from day one ! I told you I’m a package deal ! You can’t just choose me not my kids”.

I told him I understand but can they stay with your mom for one week ? Just for our honeymoon. He got very frustrated and said he couldn’t believe how insensitive and selfish I was being . AITAH to expect to have a child free honeymoon?

Added later: Ok I said I won’t reply because I was emotional. I went for a long bath ( I’m off today ). I’m better now

1- I was in to him. I pursued him. I thought he was younger . He told me about his real age , his kids, his late wife from the first moment. He even said he would understand if I say no . I loved him . I loved how honest , kind caring he was.

2-do I feel loved after giving him bj? Yes I do. He has higher sex drive . So I just give him oral when he wants sex. Yes he kisses me everytime afterwards. He cuddles until we go to sleep . I take care of myself later ( mostly during my morning showers). No !! He never pulled his gun at me ! He is not a violent man . Lately we have had more quickies mostly because I’m very tired but I don’t like to turn him down .

3-we don’t have alone time or date nights . True . But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t say he loves me or he is not affectionate.

4- I decided to cancel everything. I don’t think he is ready and we need to a have serious talk. I also need to know if he even can have kids ( or he had a vasectomy). Either way we are not ready to be married.

Comments

CymruB

You seem to be “mom” to his kids first and partner second. I don’t think I need to think too hard about what the division in labour looks like your household either. I’m also getting controlling vibes.

From what you’ve said:

He’s disinterested in marriage, preferring a quick (an unromantic) city hall wedding as it would feel weird having another wedding again after his wife died.

you’ve never had a 1:1 date with him, only family outings.

you take the primary role in caring for the children.

he’s not interested in having more kids now but will think about it in the future. You really want children of your own.

he is morally outraged at the idea that you would even want to “abandon” the children to go on honeymoon and is questioning your character for desiring it.

We don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from the snippets you’ve shared beyond your initial AITAH post, you see the flags here right?

patentmom

OP, he's not marrying you for you to be his wife. He's marrying you to be his live-in nanny. Do not marry him. You will never have a real relationship with your husband. He may even expect to divorce you once the kids are grown and you're not needed anymore for their care.

Not to mention, with the age gap, even if he "agreed" to have more children with you, it is likely he will refuse until the current kids are grown, then refuse because he's too old to want to have more babies.

You are not going to be his wife. You are going to be his unpaid childcare worker. If you're OK with that, then go ahead with the wedding.

Update - 1 days later

Thank you very much for all the private messages and comments. I’m so glad I posted here. So many of you suspected that he has had vasectomy. Well, I decided to have a serious discussion with him about everything last night. He said he has never cheated on me and he never will. I asked him if he had vasectomy and ffs just tell me.

He didn’t even deny it. He said yea but you gotta understand I lost my wife when my youngest was an infant. It was such a traumatic time for me. I wanted to make sure I’ll never go through it again. I started crying ! I asked him how could he lie to me all these years? He didn’t even feel bad! He said “well you never asked! You asked now and I told you! Plus what’s the big deal?

I have frozen sperm in the clinic and it’s a reversible procedure”. I was floored! You saw me taking pills yet you didn’t mention? He said “well, I thought you are taking pills because you have heavy period”. I couldn’t believe this man still blames me when he was the one lying in my face! I told him how unhappy I am, how burnt out I am and he uses his work hours so he can dump the responsibilities on me and I don’t even feel loved anymore.

I gave him his ring back and told him I was done. He was shocked. At first he thought I was kidding then he saw me packing my clothes at 11 pm so he started arguing that I should just wait a little longer so by December he will know about his job. After that we will go to a fertility clinic and “you will have your stupid baby”. Then he started guilt tripping me. Saying stuff like his kids have already been traumatized once how could I be so selfish and leave them.

I didn’t even bother answering. I left for my parent’s place. He has been begging and saying he will change , he will be more involved , and asking me to come back (“you are their mom! Come back! We miss you “)🙄. I’m mentally exhausted. I can’t believe I have been so stupid. I’m gonna start finding a place for myself near my work. Thank you

Comments

nick4424

“You will have your stupid baby.” How did you not fall into his arms after hearing that?

But seriously, sounds like he was stringing you along. He wants you to replace his wife, not start your own life.

Cursd818

Ah, the love bombing begins. The endless promises to change, how much he and the kids are missing you, how cruel you're being to them by leaving. He's going to do everything he can, say whatever he thinks will work, to bully you into going back. Leaving was the right thing to do, but staying away is going to be much, much harder. Tell your parents and your friends exactly why you've left and don't want to go back, so they can support you in staying away from him. Don't be silent about this or feel ashamed. You deserve much better than this, and I hope you get it.

OOP: That’s exactly what he is doing. My parents think I overreacted and I should give him another chance. My parents love him and his kids. They keep saying what a nice guy he is. I can’t believe they are taking his side 🤦‍♀️ I need to find my own place asap

Buttered_Crumpet09

Honestly, be blunt with your parents.

"So you guys love and are good with a man who lied to me throughout our relationship? You love and are good with the man who had me raising his kids whilst potentially denying me children of my own? You love and are good with the man who referred to your potential grandchild as a 'stupid baby'? You love and are good with the man who didn't want to give me a wedding or do anything for me, who weaponised his kids and their loss as a family to try and control me, and who has broken my heart? Really?

Tell me what is nice about any of that. Tell me why I should settle for all of that. Tell me why you are so willing to back that man over your own child. I am your daughter, and you should know me well enough to know that I would not walk away from a relationship unless I have a good reason, and he gave me plenty of reasons. You want to cheerlead and support a liar, a manipulator, and a controlling jerk instead of cheerleading and supporting your daughter who wants to be loved, respected, and valued. What do you think that says about you?"

He is not a nice guy. He is only grovelling now because he is having to parent and do everything for himself. He is fundamentally dishonest and only has loyalty to himself. You deserve infinitely better, so please stay strong.

My ex told lies to his kids about our break up- 1 days later

I left my ex because he was lying to me and treating me like garbage as I mentioned in another post. We were together for 4 years and i did everything for his two kids( their bio mom passed away 7 years ago). I went back to pack my stuff and his daughter said her dad told her that I left because I couldn’t stand them anymore and he chose them over me. I was floored.

I asked my ex and he ( in front of the kids) said that he was just telling them the truth. He said you wanted a baby because my kids were too much for you, you hated my kids , remember you even wanted to exclude them from our trip ( he meant honeymoon!! He wanted to bring his kids to our freaking honeymoon ffs) ?

I told the kids that’s not true and tried to explain but both kids cried and went to their rooms. My ex screamed HAPPY NOW?! GTFO of my house . I know I shouldn’t care but after 4 years of doing everything for them , this is what I get ? I’m so mad at him and my step kids

Comments

notes-you-never-hear

I read and responded to your earlier posts. How completely vile! At least he's made it obvious that you made the right decision. I'm so sorry for your pain. It's such a blessing you didn't marry him. I feel sorry for his kids, obviously, that their dad is so incredibly toxic and twisted. But I'm glad you are escaping before the wedding.

BeneficialDemand567

Wow that melted down quickly. Sounds like you dodged a major bullet. You should go out with your friends to celebrate the fact that you have your life back. And next time, find a man without kids.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is still . He posted in and

Previous BORU . Thanks to for letting me know there was an update!

Trigger Warnings: mention of pandemic death; death of a spouse

OOP incredibly sweet

Original : February 17, 2024

I am one of many who lost someone in that damn 2020. She was my world and we had our future all set up, she wanted children too by 2021, and then she was gone.

I felt I had lost all sense of purpose and after an agonizing year, moved away - not too far, but not close either. I didn't feel like I could breathe in that town. Still, every Saturday I get back and visit her resting place.

I just functioned for about two years - I am not depressed or anything like that, but I just functioned. Until I met who we will call Ada last year.

We started talking and hanging out together. She can be a bit haughty with people she doesn't know well but I was surprised to find out how sweet and kind she is under the ice. She gave me something to look forward to again. She likes to do most of the talking herself, which is fine with me because I never know what to say.

She knows everything about my wife, and this didn't discourage her. She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning, but she never left me alone. I asked her to tell me if anything I do or say makes her feel uncomfortable or like she's not a priority - she said that as of now I am doing nothing of the sort. She knows what I do every Saturday morning, and never objected to it. But today she said she would like to "meet her", as in accompany me in visiting her grave.

I feel conflicted about this. On one hand I respect and feel touched by her wish, on other it feels... weird, for a guy to take the new girlfriend where the first wife is buried. How should I approach this? Is it too soon, should I ask her to wait for that?

TL;DR I am a widower who started dating. Girlfriend wants to visit my wife's grave and I have conflicting feelings about it.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Your wife would want you to continue with your life. I think it's an excellent idea to take your girlfriend to meet your wife. She doesn't want to disrespect her, she wants to integrate her into your relationship. The girlfriend sounds great. You are no longer married, it's been a couple if years. Embrace the fact the girlfriend respects and honors you and your wife. She may be your next wife.... she definitely has so.e good stuff going for her.

OOP: Yes, we talked many times that we both wanted the other to be happy if one of us passed on... never thought it'd actually happen.

Ada has been nothing but respectful and tactful when I talk about her or show her things and pictures.

OOP clarifies when he visits his wife:

To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit.  I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture. 

OOP adds another comment with details:

Some details I have left out from the post. Ada and I met last April, and we hit it off immediately.

We are not currently living together and we divide pur time between our places, but we are planning on sharing a home permanently.  She has been clear she would like our relationship to blossom into something long-time, and she is fine with a long engagement before the eventual marriage.

She is very clear and no bullshit about what she wants and needs, but at the same time she is patient and undestanding.

I love this woman and I want to make her happy. 

More on Ada:

Ada is a very headstrong and determined person, but on this I find a patience and a kindness in her that are close to infinite. She doesn't get upset when I'm a bit sad or thinking about my late wife, she understands. When we first started sleeping in the same bed I shared with her it felt a little weird and also a bit like I was cheating on my late wife. Again no anger or upset on her part, she said she would probably feel the same if she was in my shoes.

Update (Same Post): February 22, 2024 (5 days later)

I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing.

I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.

I feel a bit of an emotion I can't define about this, but I think it will be a good thing.

Update : February 23, 2024 (almost 1 week from OG post)

Some additional info and an update.

Some redditors and some people around us were worried that my relationship with Ada is just a rebound. I admit is something that I too was worried about, and Ada told me she didn't have long lasting expectations at first.

We began dating in April 2023, but as things progressed and she saw my intentions are serious and I'm committed, her doubts about me were gone. She says we are made of the same stuff - we are two loyal, committed and hardworking people and she wants a future with me. And so do I. We are looking for a new place to share and I'm looking for the ring to make my proposal. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about my past, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.

To my surprise, everyone approves of us - my parents, Ada's parents, and my late wife's mother. We never got any backlash.

On the update. I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing. So I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.

However I had unexpected things come up for tomorrow - I have to cover for a sick coworker, which means I'll be taken all morning and great part of the afternoon. It happens, and when it happens I either go on Friday or Sunday. I decided to go this afternoon (we are in Europe, it's evening here) and asked Ada if she wanted to come along - and she readily agreed.

We didn't talk much during the drive. When we arrived, we made our way to my wife's tombstone and I just said "Well, here she is". I fetched the water for the flowers and start my usual routine, Ada just crouched as if to examine it. Then she just helped me with the caretaking routine, removing the dead leaves and flowers, and cleaning the picture and the light. We then took a walk around the cemetery (might sound weird, but it's not unusual here as many cemeteries double as parks here) then sat outside for a smoke before the drive back.

We talked a bit, and Ada, who's quite the stoic, got a little emotional. She was happy I had let her in on such what for me is a particularly intimate and sacred place, but also shaken because after all the talking we had done of my late wife she subconsciously thought of her as someone she'd want to meet and be friends with, but seeing the grave reminded and cemented the fact that this amazing woman is gone. It was a bit of shaking for me too seeing her tearing up, since she's the most stoic woman I've ever met, but also made me think how this woman is a rare gem.

I don't doubt that in different circumstances, my late wife and Ada would have been great friends. And I'm a very lucky guy for finding not one, but two amazing woman which gave and still give my life meaning every day.

TL;DR I brought my girlfriend to my late wife's grave, and things went well.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: You are blessed to meet someone like Ada who is kind and understanding. Show your appreciation for her with your love and make her happy for the rest of your life. All the best.

OOP: Naturally, my friend. Making her happy and smile every day is my top priority.  She gave me another chance at life.

One last Comment from OOP:

I wish to thank all you guys for the beautiful comments, the well wishes and love you have poured on me, Ada and my late wife.

Despite the tragedy and pain I endure, I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have found another chance at life and not two wonderful, beautiful, intelligent and amazing women that give meaning to it.

I just want to say that whenever you are suffering, even if life seems to be a dark void, there is always a light and there is always another way forward.

*****New Update : May 15, 2024 (3 months later)*****

Hello, I hope everyone here is well.

For a couple of months I had forgotten about this account, but I gave it a look the other day and read again all the beautiful comments and some very touching private messages. Again, thank you all for your interest and kindness.

Ada and I are doing well and we have found a place to move in together. If all goes well we'll be living together by July. Last month was the fourth anniversary of my late wife's passing. Ada was with me and held my hand.

I was a bit depressed like I am always am on our anniversaries, but Ada made it better. Sometimes I dream about my late wife, her coming back home, but either she never talks or I never remember what she says. However, when I dreamed her that night, in the dream there was Ada as well and they met each other. She was very happy about us and told me she's happy Ada is there for me when she can't.

I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on. I'll always love, honor and cherish my late wife, but now there is Ada who is giving me so much and deserves to be happy, to be loved and honored the way she deserves. And I don't intend to disappoint her.

As an aside, Ada also said that who knows, it could also be the spirit of my late wife visiting me in the only place she can, my dreams. She says we can see like that if we take the spiritual approach. Honestly I wouldn't know, death is one of those mysteries only those who passed have discovered, and they can't tell us.

We are doing well. We have also managed to program our first true vacation together and I was proud to formally introduce Ada as my partner when my company's CEO invited me to dinner with her husband.

It's an exciting new journey and we are thrilled to see where it will lead us. We are a team and we have a game plan.

TL;dr Things are good.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account now suspended

Originally posted to

AITAH for telling my (18M) mom (43F) that I cheated on my gf? She’s divorcing my dad now.

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, past trauma, manipulation

: March 12, 2024

I messed up and I did something really bad. I cheated on my gf. We were drifting apart and I started talking to another girl and we went on a date before I broke up with my gf.

I felt really guilty and I should. I broke up with the other girl and am going to be single for a while because I want to figure out why I cheated on my gf.

I asked my mom if she could sign me up for therapy. I’m on my parents health insurance. She said sure and if I wanted to talk to her.

I told her how I cheated on my gf. She told me that just because I did a bad thing didn’t mean I was a bad person, I just needed to learn and not do it again. Talking with her really helped.

My parents sat me down a few days ago and told me they were getting divorced. My dad told me a couple of days later that it was my fault and if hadn’t told my mom I cheated, she wouldn’t have divorced him.

My mom wasn’t close with my gf. My birthday was a while ago so it’s not because I’m 18.

My dad is mad at me because I broke up their marriage by cheating on my gf. AITAH?

Edit: My dad cheated on my mom. He told me and apologized for saying that it was my fault. She doesn’t know that I know now. full update in new post.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter

I'm confused, did he explain how you cheating made them divorce?

It makes me wonder if your dad has cheated on your mom in the past and this opened a fresh wound and she decided she can't forgive, but even then that is your dads fault not yours.

I just dont understand, you didnt ask him to explain? What has your mom said?

OOP He didn’t. I tried to ask but he ignored me.

My parents wouldn’t cheat. They were in love, at least I thought they were but I guess I don’t know because they’re divorcing.

My mom just said that they loved me the same and they just drifted apart. Idk the stuff you tell your kids if your a good parent.

Commenter

But how do you know? Even if your dad was angry and being irrational why focus on the cheating part?

Ask your mom why dad is saying this was over your cheating story.

We like to think our parents are perfect, but they aren't. I bet your mother would give you a better explanation if you told her what your dad said

OOP

I mean he told me they’re divorcing because I cheated on my gf and I told my mom.

I don’t want to stress my mom out because she’ll get mad at my dad for telling me this stuff and I want to know the truth

: March 13, 2024

I texted my mom and asked her if it was my fault they were getting divorced. She said no and that we would talk later.

But my dad apologized for telling me that it was my fault they were getting divorced. He was sincerely sorry. He said he shouldn’t have said that.

My mom came and asked why I would think that it was my fault. My dad admitted that he told me that. They had a one sided argument which was basically my mom chewing my dad out and him just taking it.

I asked if there was any cheating in their relationship. My mom just said it didn’t matter. She told me again that the divorce didn’t have anything to do with me and it wasn’t my fault. Then she had to go to work.

My dad told me when she was gone that he had cheated on her once ten years ago. He confessed to mom and they worked through it. It was the biggest mistake of his life and he wanted to make up for it. He’s always treated my mom really well. They went to therapy and counseling and he did a lot of work. She forgave him and didn’t hold his cheating against him even in arguments. He thought they were healed and stronger than before.

He says I’m smart enough to understand why me confessing about cheating might have triggered something in mom. He says he doesn’t know why she suddenly decided to divorce after all these years but my mom cried after I told her I cheated.

Maybe my mom’s just lying to me about it not being my fault. Maybe she hates me and my dad. I’m just like my dad, a cheating piece of shit. I thought being a cheater was just bad and I felt guilty about lying to my gf but cheating on my mom seems worse and I don’t know why. I don’t know what to do. I wish I never told her.

Comments

no_thanks_9802: It's not your fault. Your dad is the only one responsible for his actions.

Your mom doesn't blame you. She may have forgiven him and the time, but she never forgot. It may have been always at the back of her mind.

Please talk to a counselor to help sort out your feelings. Keep an open line of communication with your mom. She loves you, but is probably going through a lot in her mind.

Even though your dad apologized, he was completely wrong to take out his actions on you. He needs to take a hard look at himself & reflect why he decided to do that to his child.

Best of luck to you and your mom.

Pandoratastic: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Cheating on you GF is your fault and you can feel guilty about that. But you parents' divorce is not your fault. Your parents are adults. They make their own decisions.

Even if the awareness that you cheated on your GF triggered something in your mom, that would just mean that that something was already there and you had nothing to do with it. Your dad only said it was your fault because he was upset and he wanted to blame someone else for his problems. It is good that he realized that that was very unfair of him.

I can understand wanting to think that it is your fault because, if it was, it would mean that maybe you could fix it. But the divorce isn't about you. It's something between your parents.

This is definitely something you should talk to your therapist about.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

I just got diagnosed with a brain tumor.

Trigger Warnings: tumor

: April 15, 2024

My doctor just called and told me. He says its probably benign, but he's not sure. It looks benign in the pictures at least. He says a neurologist will contact me soon with more info. I hope "soon" means today or tomorrow.

My wife is out shopping. She will be home in 20 minutes and then I will tell her. We have two boys, 9 and 11 years old. I want to tell them tonight, I don't want to hide this from them.

I don't want to traumatize them, but I think they need to know. Wish me luck.

Additional Information from OOP to his families and friends

OOP: I told my boys. We cried a bit and hugged a bit.

After that we played board games and we were able to laugh and mess around like we usually do.

I called my folks last night too. And my brother and then my oldest friend.

My boys went to school today and life is moving on.

Today I will tell my boss and the people at work. They are all awesome and everyday at 10 and at 14:30 we sit in the cafeteria and just laugh about random stuff. It's the best workplace I've ever been at but I only started working there 5 months ago.

Relevant Comments

OOP on telling his children about his diagnosis soon as possible

OOP: When I was younger my nephew lost his mom. She was sick for a year and then finally died. She was such a great person and a great mom.

But the grown ups never told us kids the truth. They always gave us an unrealisticly optimistic version. So when she died, we were totally unprepared.

My nephew never really recovered.

When I found out that the grown ups had been lying to protect us. I felt some resentment.

But I'm not sure what is the right thing to do. I am so new to this. Maybe you are right but I feel I must do what feels right to me.

: April 23, 2024 (8 days later)

Last week I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I've had my ups and downs since. Today I met with my brain surgeon for the first time and he showed me pictures of the tumor. The bad news is, it is a very large tumor, 26mm in diameter (if you are american, that is about equivalent to a tablespoon). He said there were size classes where less than 10mm is considered small, 10-25mm is large and 26 - 40mm is giant.

So I have a giant brain tumor.

The good news is it is accessible for the surgeon to remove without cutting into the brain.The surgeon expects me to make a full recovery!

My brain surgery is scheduled for the beginning of may. I am so relieved that I am not going to die.

But I'm still really nervous and sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I don't know how to feel.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Thanks for all your kind words. Even after receiving good news this morning I was feeling kinda down. But reading your comments really helped. Now I'm off to bed with an actual smile on my face and some warmth in my heart 🙂

I think maybe I do got this!

I will update you guys hopefully with some really good news after the surgery 😊

Relevant Comments

OOP on the signs of a brain tumor

OOP: I have some strange vision problems. In one eye, I essentially have a blind spot near the middle if my field of view. I started really noticing last December.

I saw an eye doctor who told me there was nothing wrong with me. I then saw another eye doctor who performed a field of view test. Like the first doctor he found nothing wrong with my eyes so he ordered a scan of my head.

I was expecting to hear back that I was probably just stressed or something.

OOP on what his surgeon said and if he will need another surgery in the future

OOP: He said he might not be able to on the first try since it is so big. I might need another surgery in 5-10 years.

But hey, I'll take it 🙂

OOP on the waiting game and how he received the news of his diagnosis

OOP: Oh yes the wait is the worst. After I got the news I was at home alone for an hour. I didn't want to tell my wife over the phone so I had to wait for her to come home so I could tell her the news. Man that was the longest hour of my life.

OOP on if the tumor is likely to be benign and if not, what the next steps were to be taken

OOP: Doc says 99% odds that it is benign. Thanks for the support 🙂

: May 13, 2024 (3 weeks later)

Hi guys, I promised an update post surgery and here it is 😀

My surgery was removed this morning and it went very well. Even though the surgeon had told me beforehand that everything should be fine, I had been having intrusive thoughts. I kept thinking what if this or what if that. When I lay on the bed in the operating room and they had the oxygen mask on, I was really afraid.

But then the next thing I know, I am waking up in the post op, wake-up room. In my mind I did a golf celebration "Yesss, still here".

My vision has already cleared about 90% of the way.

I will stay in the hospital for a week for monitoring, but it is all looking good. I will be just fine 🙂

I want to thank all of you who reached out. Those that shared their own experiences and also those that offered well wishes an kind words. I read every comment and during a pretty rough time in my life, they really helped and made me feel better 🙂

I am so grateful ♥️

Relevant Comments

OOP on what type of tumor he had prior to the surgery

OOP: Thanks, yes it was a pituitary tumor. It was not producing prolactin so probably adenoma rather than the other one. I am scheduled for an MRI in 6 months to see if they got it all.

OOP on what other symptoms he noticed and not realized that they were connected to his brain tumor

OOP: It was the same for me! The tumor was putting pressure on the the optic nerve causing large blind spots in my field of view. I also had other symptoms that I had not connected the dots that they had the same cause. Headaches, nose bleeds and a constant feeling of pressure inside my head.

And yes this experience has given me so much perspective. I remember in the first few days I was sure I only had a few months left. I recall walking outside and just enjoying all the different sensations. The scent in the air, the breeze on my skin and the caw of a Raven. At that moment I thought, "I can't believe I've taken this for granted".

And now it all just feels like a big scare. Made to remind me of what I have 😊

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Complete thread:

Moderator of "reasonable discussion of articles" subreddit TrueReddit, ClockoftheLongNow, has posted sans greentag a long rebuttal (mostly pointing out how many of these ideas are held by conservatives as a whole? not sure how that helps anything.) of an article condemning the American think tank the Heritage Foundation and most of the users of the sub are not okay one bit with this.

The Clock Strikes One:

"This is stated without evidence or even a direct reference to anything in Project 2025.

Project 2025 also aims to drag America back to the dark ages by banning abortion outright. The only acceptable genders will be “male” and “female,” and transgender individuals will face punishment simply for existing.

Banning abortion outright has been conservative policy for 50+ years.

At no point does Project 2025 promote the criminalization of transgenderism.

Just an awful, misinformed piece."

My favorite reply from the great cornholio2240:

"God you “just debate me” types are insufferable. I don’t care that you’re in favor of this policy. I’m not trying to sway your opinion, because despite your thin veneer of dispassionate logic you are just a partisan pushing talking points.

It’s so tiring. I actually prefer conservatives who have the moral character to stand on their opinions unlike you lot who split hairs, just ask questions and beg for some idealized free debate that doesn’t actually exist. Good luck to you."

I posted this here after noticing it was both a lengthy impassioned argument and that it was posted by a MOD trying to stay low profile. Scary stuff to see people stooging for this in the open tbh.

ETA: not trying to openly promote things here but if this concerns anyone, Join intending to stop this through activism and awareness, focused on crowdsourcing ideas and opportunities for practical, in real life action. We Must Defeat Project 2025.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 10th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

I hurt my husband in an argument and he won't talk to me now. How do I fix this?

My husband (32M) and I (31F) have been together for 7 years and married for 5. We have a 3.5M son and a 1F daughter.

His parents passed away when he was 20. To describe it shortly, he despises his father to this day. His father ruined his promising athletic future (he was once ranked in the top 10 nationally at his sport) and forced him to focus on school. My husband was accepted to multiple Ivy League schools and his father refused to pay tuition as well. His father was a control freak, physically abusive towards him, and refused to entertain any opposing opinions. My husband vowed to himself to never be like his father and to always encourage his future kid’s interests and opportunities. He has always been an amazing husband and father to me and our kids. He makes spending time with us a priority, keeps our relationship fun and exciting, and just always makes me feel beautiful and appreciated.

We’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch for a few weeks and we were arguing about something that wasn’t even worth arguing about in hindsight. He said that he was done arguing and walked away mid conversation. I blurted out “You’re just like your father”. As soon as I said that, I immediately tried apologizing and ran to him and tried to hug him. He refused my hug, looked at me, shook his head, and walked out the door.

A whole day passed and I hadn’t seen or heard from him. I called, texted, and left many voicemails apologizing and asking him to please come home. I reached out to his friends and they had not heard from him either. He walked in drunk at 4 am the next night and collapsed on our couch. I heard him come in and ran downstairs to see him. He was slurring his words and was saying things like “I’m not like him” and “Why would you say that?” I just held him in my arms all night long and apologized many times.

It’s been another two days and my husband refuses to talk or look at me. He’s not even eating anything I make. I have tried talking to him and apologizing. He just looks at me and says “It’s just another thing I have to live with” and walks away from wherever I am. I have no idea how to fix this. I didn’t mean to hurt him but the fact he feels betrayed by the one person he should feel supported and uplifted by, me. He is absolutely the love of my life and it hurts me knowing that I caused him to feel this pain. Please advise what I can do or say to fix this.

Comments

Tfuentexxx

Great, in order to win a stupid argument you had to give him a low blow using what was a thing he only confided to a person he truly trusted and love (loved by what it looks). ´To win a fucking argument! You must be proud of yourself. It will really be worth it in the long run, you will see. YTA

NovaPrime1988

All the way through reading this I was praying you wouldn’t say those words. I honestly thought you weren’t that stupid…but you were/are.

I’m beyond disgusted so I can only imagine how he feels. You took his deepest trauma and wielded it against him in a petty argument, achieving maximum damage.

Congratulations for re traumatising an abuse victim.

YTA (This isn’t even in question)

BottleStrength

OP, you didn’t even mean what you said. He’s done nothing to resemble his father. You just wanted to hurt him. You succeeded. That’s just cruel. Now you want to know if what you can fix this? Fix yourself first. If I’m not clear, YTA.

**Judgement - YTA**

Update - 10 days later

I got some comments and some messages trashing my husband for walking away from the argument that started all of this and saying he is like his father. I’m not going to say what the argument was about here but it was pointless and walking away from it was the mature thing to do. He is the best husband and father anyone could ask for. Even when he wasn’t talking to me, he was still spending time with and taking care of the kids. Think whatever you want of me, I deserve it but leave him out of it.

Onto the actual update, my husband came home after work the next day and bought takeout for dinner. We had dinner as a family for the first time in a few days and put the kids to bed together. I asked if we could talk. I apologized and admitted that I was tired of all the arguments we were having lately and in the heat of the moment, I wanted to hurt him and said what would hurt the most. He said that he knows he is nothing like his father and why I thought he was.

I promised that I don’t believe that at all and told him all the great things he does for me and our children. I told him that I would see a therapist to figure out what made me say what I did and to make sure it never happened again. The conversation lasted about an hour and a half and ended with him telling me that it would take some time but we would be okay as long as I never compared him to his father again. We kissed and slept together for the first time since the incident.

In the next few days, there was still a certain coldness about him. He was still happy to spend time with the kids but was still somewhat cold with me. I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved and appreciated him and promised to never hurt him again, and slipped it into his lunch bag. He came home with flowers for me that day. Our normal vibe has somewhat returned and it looks like we will be good going forward.

Comments

the_noi

Good. Sounds like you deserved the shakedown and seems like you’ve made conscious and repeated efforts to mend the damage. That’s the right attitude and I hope you guys are alright

ExcitingTabletop

The husband was/is waiting to see if it sticks or OP just wants the apology to make the incident disappear forever. And that'll be the real test. If OP can put in the work, or she can't.

sbstndrks

Yeah the "I will so what I can to make up for it" either lasts, or just lasts a week or two, maybe a month. OP's long term behavior is what will settle this.

WalkableFarmhouse

I hope you realise you're incredibly lucky for your marriage to survive this. You should look into anger management classes. There's probably some you can do online. It's never acceptable to hurt your loved ones on purpose.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments