I'm (23f) pregnant with my first child, a daughter. My boyfriend (23m) and I have decided to name her Wren. We didn't tell many people yet. My boyfriend told his parents and I told my parents and my siblings. After I told my sister (30f) she asked me if we could talk and she showed me a list she had of names her and her husband had chosen for future babies. Wren was the girl name they had chosen too. I had no idea. My sister never thought anyone in the family would go for a name like Wren. And when she heard we had chosen that she got a little sad.

You see, my sister and her husband have been TTC for 6/7 years and have been unsuccessful with the exception of one miscarriage 5 years ago. Right now they are undergoing some fertility treatments to try and have a child. It's been super hard on her and when my boyfriend and I learned we were expecting we agreed I should tell my sister first and give her time to process. She told me how much she appreciated it and she was sad for a little while after. As well as super jealous. But I understand because this is something she has wanted for so long and it was difficult for her to see me get pregnant so fast.

I love my sister and I always want to try and be understanding and not make her feel like shit because I'm having a baby and she's still trying to. But when she asked me to please choose another name so she could name a future daughter that, I didn't feel like I could agree to that. My daughter feels like Wren to both me and my boyfriend. We've already got some items with her name on them. We have grown very attached and bonded more with our Wren.

I know to many it's not a big deal for people to share the same name in a family but our family doesn't really like doing that. Our names might have been used in previous generations of the family but we never liked the idea of two living members of the family sharing a name and we're all so close that it would get confusing. So I know to her it means Wren has to leave their list if I use it.

I told my sister I couldn't change my daughter's name after we had already committed so heavily and the name felt so right to us. She burst into tears but told me she understood. She hugged me and everything. Then my BIL got involved and he tore me a new one for not sacrificing a name so that my sister can hold onto the hope that she'll get to name their future daughter that one day. He said she has been such a good big sister to me and this would cost me nothing.

AITA?

This is probably incredibly stupid and petty but this feels really disrespectful to me. I have been dating "Matt" for 2 years. We don't live together but in the past 6 months or so he has been here fairly often. I have 3 older children (13yo boy, 12yo girl, 10yo boy) and they all get along with Matt well. My issue is that Matt has zero respect for other people's things; towels mainly.

I have no washer/dryer in my rental and have to travel 35 minutes to the nearest laundromat. I only have time to do this once a week due to my work schedule and all else. I can only go Sundays. Matt knows this. I also only had 4 towels (one for each of me and my kids). It became a problem of like.. every single time that Matt and I has sex, he would go to the bathroom and grab one of the towels off the hook and wipe off with it after I told him not to several times. He said it was a force of habit (that's what he cleans up with at his place for 15 years). He will apologize, etc. Just to repeat it. Or I went out and bought him a towel for when he's here (I was tired of him using mine and he has severe ADHD and can't remember to bring his own / can't remember pretty much anything). He never uses his towel to clean himself. It's always one of the kids. Or there's been a few times that he will grab the kids towels and put them on the floor to soak up the water that he tracked out of the shower. Every single time I have talked to him about it, I've gotten increasingly more pissed off. The last time I had to mention it was a few weeks ago and I lost my shit entirely and told him to stop touching my kids fucking towels or we were done. He said something like "it's just a fucking towel" or "maybe it's time you get more than one towel per person" and whatever but he did stop using the towels. Until this morning.

This morning he woke me up for a quickie before we both had to go to work and tmi but I started bleeding. Sorry for the mental image. He runs to the bathroom, grabs a towel and starts cleaning both of us up. I truly thought it was his towel that he grabbed (and he had mentioned having to do his laundry anyhow so I didn't make a fuss) but then he turned on the light and it was my oldest son's towel. I asked him why the fuck he didn't grab his own, since he was doing his laundry anyhow and could have just taken it with him. He said he "panicked" and just grabbed the first one available. His towel is literally the first one on the hook when you walk in to the bathroom and I keep the bathroom light on at all times so there's no way he could have just not seen which towel he was grabbing. Now I have to go and do laundry today, again, after just having gone on Sunday. I told him that I needed a break from him because he has zero respect for me at this point. Yes, it's small and it's a fucking towel for Christ Sake but it's still something I've asked him not to do several times. He doesn't think it's a big deal and says I'm acting ridiculous over a towel. AITA?

No, I can't get a mini washer/dryer per my lease agreement. No, he won't wash our laundry as well. I asked him to take the towel with him and he said "no" because I "made him feel fucking stupid" and says that if I had been nice about it than maybe he would have but he won't now. Yes, I could get more towels but this was never an issue before he started coming around and frankly, I'd like to keep the laundry to a minimum because I already have a bad back and the laundry can be difficult. So I shouldnt have to buy more towels just so he can clean himself up with them.

My husband and I talked a few weeks back about bringing the kids fishing this past weekend and had talked in specific detail about us needing to reconnect as a family. He works so often that me and the kids hardly ever see him anymore (I work full time at home), so the entire point of this fishing trip was to spend time together as a family and as I said, it was discussed in great detail. Our youngest child is 5 months old and strictly breastfed, as well.

We head out Friday morning to go grab our boat and head to our camp for the weekend. Everything is going fine until about 40 minutes in to the drive. Husband gets a phone call and starts saying things like "yeah I will be there soon" or "what did you bring?" When he got off the phone, I asked him who that was and he told me "Heath". A coworker of his that I have never once met. I asked him if he had invited some random dude that I don't know to go on our family putting and he said he had and that he didn't think it would be a big deal. He also said something about how his buddy wanted to check out the boat and whatever. I've never heard a single thing good about this guy (very sexist and makes gross "jokes"). I asked him to turn around and bring me and the kids back home. He asked why and I said that this trip was meant for US as a family to reconnect, as we had discussed in great detail, and that I wouldn't be sitting around awkward, nursing my baby in front of a man that I do not know and watching over all of our kids when he shoots the shit and hangs out with his buddy. I told him it was messed up that he would even consider this to be a good option, considering that now meant that I would be doing all the parenting alone while he got to be social. He said that it wouldn't be like that and that he told his buddy that this trip was meant for the kids and that he would have them the entire time but I honestly just was not having it at all. I know how it would have been because he said this dude brought beer (I asked). So, I had him drive me home and told him to go by himself. He left pissed off.

I ended up taking my kids on my own trip. I rented an AirBnB on the lake for the entire weekend. I brought my kids fishing, swimming and to the amusement park down the road. We had a good time. I did not have cell reception at the Airbnb so I didn't speak to my husband, outside of texting him prior to leaving - stating I would be gone for the weekend. When I got home Sunday morning, my husband flipped out. Said that he had only stayed out on Friday until 5pm (so 6ish hours) and came home to spend the rest of the weekend with me and the kids, just to find that we had left and he couldn't contact us. I told him that none of this would have happened if he had just stuck by his word originally instead of making a social hour (with a guy he sees EVERY DAY) out of what was meant to be a family weekend (he also allowed this dude to stay at our camp for the weekend because he apparently invited him to stay the entire weekend anyways). AITA for anything?

I don’t know if I am in the wrong here. About 15 years ago I gave birth to Kerra. She passed when she was three months. She was a surprise and would have been around 10+ years younger than any of the other kids.

She passes and her urn in on the mantle in our home. Life moved on. My DIL has seen the urn before and commented it was a nice name. I didn’t think anything about it at the time.

I got a call from my daughter telling me that I need to talk to them. That they plan on naming their daughter Kerra and knew it would be a problem so they were going to surprise me with it after she was born.

I sat them down and asked if they were going to name their daughter Kerra. They told me it was in the running. I asked if they were naming her after anyone and it was a no. That they just liked the name. I told them I am not very confortable with them doing that. I know I don’t own a name and suggested it could be a middle name and we would just call her her first name. I explained it would be very hard for us and we worry that we may start projecting or it will cause mental distress to use.That I don’t think it is fair to the kid to have that burden.

My husband also said that he wouldn’t be that happy with the decision and feels wrong to name her that.

After that it started agruement, that she is pissed we are trying to veto a name and called us jerk.

My husband and I don’t know if we are jerks or not. We thought we handled this well and communicated clearly our feelings on it.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My daughter(14F) came out to me(40M) and doesn't want my wife(42F) to know

Originally posted to &

TRIGGER WARNING: homophobia, emotional abuse, depression

March 15, 2024

I(40M) and my wife(42F) have been married for 5 years. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Her mother wanted nothing to do with her when she was born. When I met my wife, she was worried about being a bad step-mother to my daughter. They became close and they do a spa day every mother's day.

My daughter has very long hair down to her shoulders. She hates putting it up in ponytails and she complains about the length of time it takes to blow-dry. She's a big tom-boy and one of her friends recommended she gets a pixie cut. I booked her an appointment to get the cut she wanted and she was very happy. She's been in such a great mood and loves having the short hair.

When I brought her home to see wife, my wife dropped what she was doing and looked like she was about to faint. She asked why I allowed daughter to cut all her hair off. I told her that this is the cut my daughter wanted. My wife got furious and started telling me about how I ruined daughter's image. I shot back at her to get over the hair-cut as it made daughter happy. That was all I wanted was my daughter to be happy

My wife continued to complain about the haircut even around my daughter and I had to tell her multiple times to drop it. My daughter has been very depressed and it's worrying me. I have been giving my wife the cold shoulder and she's being very cold to both me and daughter.

AITA for telling my wife to get over my daughters short hair?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

tabby51260

NTA.

My mom wouldn't let me have short hair. I got it cut short in college a little under 10 years ago and have never let it grow back out. I truly dislike long hair and can't even stand my hair touching the bottom of my neck now.

If your daughter wants it short she should have it short. It's not like she asked to start drinking or something.

OOP

That's another thing I brought up to my wife that it's just hair. It's not a big deal. I think that was the biggest issue for my daughter was it touching her shoulders. She also hated how long it took to blow-dry. I think my wife has that view that women need to have long hair because her hair is long.

March 29, 2024

My daughter and I are extremely close. She got a short hair cut a week or so ago and my wife's reaction was shocking. She wasn't supportive and it's damaged her relationship with daughter. I took daughter out for a dinner and movie and during dinner she told me that she liked girls. I am super supportive of her and gave her a big hug. She asked me if I would not tell her step-mother as she was worried about her reaction. I told her that I would not tell her as my daughters happiness is everything.

My wife and I were talking and she was upset that daughter was not talking with her. I simply explained to her that her reaction with the hair has damaged their relationship. I went on a sort of long rant that daughter does not feel comfortable telling her anything. I'm having trouble sleeping at night and I can tell that daughter is struggling living with her step-mother. Daughter is in therapy and she seems to be doing better. She even told me that there is girl in her class that she has a crush on.

I've been having thoughts about divorce as I want the absolute best for my daughter. My wife still doesn't think she did anything wrong and it's put a huge strain on our relationship.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Garbage-Striking

Ultimately you need to put your daughter first, and I commend you for doing so. You don’t say, but is there any chance that your wife might come to accept your daughter’s sexuality?

OOP

I'm not sure. My wife's parents are not supportive of the LGBT community. My wife never mentioned if she was supportive or not.

May 15, 2024

I apologize for not updating sooner. There was so much that happened between my original post to now. My wife and I had a long talk about daughter. She admitted that she could not stand seeing my daughter with her haircut and blamed me for encouraging her choices. I did not say anything and let my wife get everything that she wanted off her chest. She asked me repeatedly if daughter was gay and I told her that daughter is old enough to tell her. The look on my wife's face just showed disgust and discomfort.

My daughter and I had a long conversation and she told me that she did not feel comfortable with being around wife anymore. My wife and I were arguing more and overall things were not getting better. I suggested counseling and she turned that down. I finally decided that I needed to do what is best for my daughter. I spoke with a close friend who is an attorney and have started the divorce paperwork. My soon to be ex did not take the divorce news well and packed a bag and is currently living with her sister in another state.

My daughter seems a lot happier and it's given us time to do more things together. She and I will be doing lots of camping and trips this summer. My ex hasn't been in any contact with daughter at all.

I appreciate all the comments and advice. I'm definitely feeling better and seeing my daughter happy is all I care about.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I (23f) recently moved to a new place and am getting to know my neighborhood. A week ago I found a small coffee shop with great cake. So yesterday I went for a coffee. I freelance so I set my own hours.

The coffee shop is relatively small, with under 10 tables available. I sat at the most comfortable looking chair in the shop, one of four chairs at the biggest table. I was a little into my drink and cake when a group of 4 middle-aged people asked me if I could move so they could sit together there.

All 4 were on the larger size and I could understand how they would be uncomfortable on other seats in the shop. The one I was sitting in had high back, arm rests and was plush with soft leather. I, however, would also like to sit comfortably. I told them they were free to take the other three chairs and pull an extra one to the table.

They told me they had something to discuss among themselves and would appreciate if I move. Again, I told them I like the chair and I was there first so I would not move.

They grumbled about selfish youngsters, gave me the stink eye, and asked the shop to make their orders to go.

When I told my family about this, my mom told me it was selfish of me to take a table for 4 when I was there by myself. AITA?

Edit: Yes, there were plenty of other tables for four people. One would seat 6, but cramped in a corner. The chairs at other tables are not as comfortable.

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is **

Trigger Warnings: Ableism.

, Posted March 5th, 2024

“John” and I are both in our 40s. He was my friend through middle-school and most of high school. We hung out together, played the same sports, did church summer camp, etc. Basically, we grew up together. I also knew and spent time with his sister “Mary”. Mary has cerebral palsy and uses an electric wheelchair.

After graduating, John went to University while I stayed back home to work at my father’s business and go to community college part-time. Mary also went to community college and we ended up hanging out a lot. John and his family liked the idea of me being like a big brother to Mary.

Mary and I grew closer and we began having sex. We weren’t exactly dating, but it was a lot of fun for both of us. Because Mary’s family is very protective of her, we both agreed to keep our relationship a secret.

Eventually her family found out and there was an ugly confrontation with me and them. They accused me of taking advantage of Mary because of my familiarity with her and because she was disabled. Mary insisted she wanted the relationship, but they dismissed her views like they always did. John was especially angry at me, even trying to start a fist fight. My father got involved and things eventually settled down but my friendship with John and his family was over. I ended up leaving the area after I got my Associates degree and moved out of state to live with my mother.

So 2 decades have passed. I have stayed in contact with Mary, but only exchange basic pleasantries with John and his family (they are still connected with my father so it’s just a courtesy relationship). Two weeks ago, Mary came to my city and we met for lunch. It was a company event with her coworkers and vendors, but I still enjoyed seeing her again after so many years. We continued the evening at her hotel room and I ended up spending the night with her.

This Saturday morning, I woke to find a message from John. We’ve barely communicated for the last 20 years, so I was startled to see his name. Apparently he’d gotten around to looking at the pictures Mary had posted from the lunch and saw me sitting next to his sister.

It was like we had teleported back in time to 20 years ago. The same accusations and angry insults got flung at me. He dredged up shit I had forgotten about years ago. He ended his message warning me not to spend time with Mary.

I was outraged by his message. We’re two grown men, not high school kids. How can he say those things about me and his sister? In my anger, I messaged him back saying that not only did I spend time with Mary, but that we slept together again and he should get over himself.

It felt good to retaliate like that, but I immediately had doubts. When I talked with Mary, she wasn’t upset but she made it clear that she would have preferred I just ignore her brother like she does. We’re still keeping our plans to see each other again, but I realize Mary is disappointed by my childish behavior.

Am I The Asshole for my reply to John?

, Posted March 8th, 2024

So after reading the comments, I am NTA for my relationship with Mary, but my response to John was unacceptable. That's fair. I've apologized to Mary and she’s accepted my apology. That doesn't change the fact that I screwed up. For sharing intimate details without first asking Mary, I Am The Asshole. I will never do that again.

As for the fallout of my asshole moment, John sent another nasty message that got even more personal, including telling me some things about our past and my father that were very hurtful. Following the advice of the comments, I replied calmly and then blocked him.

As I mentioned in my post, I will be seeing Mary again. I am spending this spring/summer back home with my father. After his wife passed last year, he decided to wind down his business and sell our old house. I will be going back there for about 3 months to help him with the business, fix a few things at the house, help him pack, and just hang out together. It’s several decades of memories to be put away or donated so we’re taking our time. We’ll BBQ and go to baseball games like we did when I was a kid.

Mary and I are looking forward to seeing each other again this summer. Our weekend together was memorable, despite my later stupidity. There's a fair chance John will come and try to stir shit up, but I'm not stressing over it. Mary means a lot to me. It will be good to have 3 months to enjoy each other’s company before I have to leave again, this time for good. I’m sure Mary and I will stay in touch, maybe even see each other again in the future.

Thanks for the comments and messages. I read them all and Mary did too.

So that’s the update. Cheers.

Reminder - I am not OP

I (16M) graduated last Friday. After the ceremony ended I couldn't find my parents anywhere. I was looking around for them and then I decided to check my phone. My mom sent me a text a while ago letting me know that my sister went into labor and her and my dad were at the hospital. This upset me because I thought my parents were there but realizing that they weren't just made me sad. I saw everyone else with their family taking pictures and stuff and I was just standing there awkwardly not knowing what to do. My mom told me that they would be back asap to come and get me.

They did not. I waited for a good 20 minutes watching everyone else leave. I decided to just walk home because I got tired of waiting. I walked 3 miles before my parents drove by and made a u turn to come and pick me up. They were mad when they saw me walking. They told me that It was disrespectful of me to for leave with out telling them and accusing me of putting myself in danger.

I told them that It wasn't alot of people left at the ceremony and I didn't want to wait anymore. I also told them that they knew it was important for them to be there and they completely bailed on me. They told me that they were sorry and kept trying to justify why they left. I told them that it doesn't make sense for them to leave when my sisters husband were there with her and if they really wanted to abandon me they could have at least had one of them stay with me but they left me with no one to watch me and ruined what was supposed to be a good day for me.

My sister didn't even give birth that day she gave birth like 18 hours later which pissed me off more. The problem is my parents are upset with me because they wanted to take another picture of me with my cap and gown on but I refused. The one they took of me in the car I wasn't smiling and my parents wanted a redo because of it.

I told them no. I said that if they already had a picture of me and that it's all they are gonna get. I told them that there are pictures of me on my school's facebook page and they can screen shot it from there or can leave it alone. If they choose to attend my college graduation they can maybe see me in another cap and gown. But until then, I don't see why I have to put it on just for them when they chose to miss it.

They feel as if I'm punishing them by not allowing them to take a picture of me. I just feel like if they wanted a picture they should've been there. Other than that they can use the ones on Facebook, the one in the car, or none at all.

34m here Im not sure how to start this so I'll just get right to it. My wife surprised me with a gift that when presented I didn't really have the best reaction.

My wife had the day off and wanted have a day with her friend to watch bridgerton and drink momosas. Since she was having her day with her girlfriend, I decided to get a couple rounds of disc golf in . I get off of work and do the daily chores. (Garbage, walk dog, feed mysel) As I am leaving to walk the dog I tell the wife that I'm going to play disc golf after I'm done. To which she replies "well maybe you shouldn't. I'll tell you when you get back". This already kind of dampened my mood as I had a long day and getting some light exercise in some clear weather sounded quite nice. Not to mention I've made said plans with a couple people which now I may have to cancel. Not the biggest deal right?

Now thats out of the way here's the meat and potatoes. She got me a grill and not only that I have to now go pick up said grill, assemble it and prepare dinner for guests because it's nice out she invited friends over for me to cook for. It was presented in manner of "I got you a grill and invited our friends over and when you get it put together you can use it." Needless to say my internal self was screaming and the stress meter moved up a bit. I gave a "oh cool" and tried my hardest not to seem ungrateful but the surprise seemed very impulsive and just created a ton of work for me to do. So i cancelled my plans. wife cancelled the pick up order due to my "ungrateful attitude". We are now going to go out to eat with said people and we are now in a fight. AITA?

Link to original post:

I read through the majority of messages received and I agree, I should have confronted it.

Last night, I called grandma and Emma on three way, asking about the jewelry that was CONVENIENTLY FOUND in a car. Emma said "that wasn't for me to find out as she only told her mother and grandma (obviously a lie because Jessica heard and passed it to me, she also lives abroad and isn't close to Emma). Grandma then said, "well, it's material and it's found. We don't have a long time here, let's all get along."

I responded, "no thank you, I needed a PUBLIC apology because I blindly believed Emma and I had a good relationship. I even heard she made comments about my job, which I wanted to address AFTER the wedding." Emma confirmed the comments about talking shit (re: my job and her sister's comment) but is sticking to her guns about the jewelry. I mentioned to her I was posting on Facebook about the jewelry and will attach screenshots to it. And that I wanted nothing further to do with Emma since she was not remorseful and is proud of disliking me for whatever reason.

Lesson learned. Thanks everyone!

EDIT: TYPO

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, possible controlling behavior

  May 7, 2024

My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.

However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.

We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex. This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.

I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.

I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household. In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.

We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.

Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.

tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/MISSING REASONS

Commenters looked at his history and found they were swingers

We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue.

I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.

If this is a consequence of swinging

This issue existed long before the lifestyle.

&

I agree that swinging wasn’t a solution in the end. Never was meant to be, it was more of discovering or exploring if she felt any different. If that was the case, we agreed we would talk about and if we arrive at the conclusion that “myself” is the problem and she has no problem with other men, we would amicably part ways. However this wasn’t the case. She didn’t like sex nor intimacy there either. She was very much in control of that whole swinging situation. And yes, I went along with it. What gives? It felt very organic and it was her “effort” if you will, to discovering more and learning more about our current issue. I saw it as a means of learning if I’m the problem and was very much ready to accept that. It turns out it wasn’t the case.

Six years of miser sound awful. I would very much hate that.

OOP on if the this started when the swinging ended

Finally a comment on the swinging topic with actual insight. 

You’re absolutely right about the fact that the swinging experience had things/changes that will impact our marriage and lives forever. For example, the best thing swinging taught us (even above sexual exploration) was the level of transparent and open communication it requires.  We would literally have mental orgasms having dialog with such intentionality.  We implemented that in ALL our lives and areas including parenting with our children. She even agrees that we’re thankful for that takeaway from our swinging.  Honestly, I cannot stress it enough with people here. Yes, we explored swinging, however it was actually a positive experience. When we decided to stop, it was because it felt natural and organic to just do so. In fact, we met with that couple who we mesh super well with the night before. We actually enjoyed the actual friendship and even spent time as vanilla friends. So it wasn’t because of something negative. Wife mentioned that it certainly wasn’t any better and since she’s not enjoying the sex we both agreed there’s no point to this. I agreed and we moved on and we’re still friends with those people because it’s great.

All that said I know, more often than not, swinging causes massive issues. However, this was something we explored in pursuit of a solution to an issue that was present way before. I think of it as taking a “practical” approach to trying to solve the problem.

  May 15, 2024

Original post:

I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.

One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives. We experience sever poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids. I mentioned this in  the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.

For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even  though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.

At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.

Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).

I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.

I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.

I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship. I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.

Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.

Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it." She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues. We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her  that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself. I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.

We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less." This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.

I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen. I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign. Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done.  We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.

Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on  this topic and I wish you all the best.

TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CatsGambit

So, I'm going to assume that your wife has a lucrative job and you are both going 50/50 on childcare, as you both work and share children. Because otherwise, this approach is just plain financially abusive (and if you're planning on saying "I won't pay the bills unless you have sex with me", sexually abusive as well).

Assuming that is the case and you aren't a total POS, I'm actually interested in how this works out for you. I feel like I'm in an unstated, similar situation- we both work and have blended finances, but we don't go to bed together or eat together, have barely any intimacy (a kiss or two, hugs every couple days), and spend.... maybe 8 hours a week together, just the three of us (him, me, and the toddler). Even less just the two of us- maybe 3 hours a week? Otherwise, he is on his game, or out playing sports, watching youtube, or whatever else he does. It barely feels like a friends situation, let alone a marriage. I'm curious how she handles it, as the spouse that presumably was pulling away first- I hope you keep us updated.

OOP

Yes we both have degrees, good careers and while I make significantly more money, her salary is very proficient and above average. The 50/50 was not to cripple nor hurt her financially (that is cruel) but mostly to send a message on what a “roommate” dynamic looks like in the real world.

I really dislike how people immediately jump to conclusions about the finances as a way of manipulating her. It’s not the case at all. Plenty of money left over after bills. However 50/50 means she has less “whatever” money AND the understanding that roommates share everything equally.

Prior to this 180 approach, we did everything together and with our kids. We always saw ourselves as a “unit” that do things together. Both alone and with the kids too. That’s changed now where I’m choosing to focus on more independent type of pastimes and focus. That is what has sparked her reaction and realization of “there’s more” than just roommates here.

~

TheLoneJackal

How does one dump half of the household expenses on the other person if they share a bank account? Or are your finances kept separately? Just curious how this would work if applied to my life.

OOP

Excellent question. We shared everything. The proposed 50/50 was suggesting we place the necessary amount to pay bills in the same account and any leftover money can be deposited to a new account. I think this is why she was very upset. She felt a huge loss of control knowing she won’t be able to monitor my finances. Also, she felt a huge loss in her left over money with this arrangement and saw that I would keep significantly more of my own. This is still being worked out because I think she is calling my bluff here but my plan is to notify her next week as I modify my direct deposit and open a new account. It will definitely be more real there.

TO BE CLEAR (for all the trolls here) yes, she will have less leftover money after responsibilities and it’s still enough to live on.

EXAMPLE (for reference): Assume I make $3000 a month, she makes $1000 a month. Responsibilities are $1000 a month. So she’d contribute $500 and I would contribute $500. Where before she would contribute only $250.  

This is the last comment I’ll add regarding money and finances. She’s fine and she’s not hurting. I PROMISE

When asked what if she leaves for another man

Interesting. She has no shortage of men hitting on her and we’re by no means jealous people. So I’ve witnessed this multiple times and her reactions are somewhat indifferent. I will say, if another man for her was the answer, she’d tell me or she’d have some inkling maybe?

There’s no telling but I think the problem is deeper than superficial attention from a different person.

&

You might be right. And if this is the case, so be it. However, I’ll live with peace knowing I left no stone left unturned.

CRAZY THOUGHT: I know I would be disappointed and saddened if she did leave for another man that would accept the bare minimum BUT I’d also feel a peace knowing it’s not all my fault (I know I’m responsible in some way to some degree. That’s just marriage). I know sadness and depressing will creep but we’ll both overcome but if this does happen at least there will be clear reasons and clarity as to why it did. Also, I know for a fact it she wouldn’t cheat. We’re both very blunt open and transparent. She would definitely tell me that she wants to step out on our marriage before it actually happens. As would I. We owe ourselves this respect for each other and we actively practice it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

- 14th May 2024

- 14th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

AITA for telling my husband his “fragile masculinity” is costing us money?

Back in late 2021, my husband Craig (M46) and I (F44) welcomed our fourth child into the world. As a result, we needed to upgrade one of our cars to something larger. We decided to trade in my super reliable Toyota RAV4 for something bigger since I was the one who drove the kids around most often.

I was open and ready to embrace minivan life and was planning to buy something reliable and safe, like a Honda or Kia. But Craig had his heart set on an SUV; in his mind, minivans were "too feminine." So, against my better judgment, we ended up purchasing a used 2018 Mercedes GLS 450, mainly due to his insistence. He argued that this car would offer similar space to the Kia/Honda minivans I wanted but with added luxury. Since it was priced like a loaded Honda van, we went ahead with it.

After two years, I can safely say we made the wrong choice. While the car does have good passenger space, it doesn’t seem to have as much cargo room as those minivans. The reliability has been junk. The car has had 8 recalls during our ownership. Even when not recalled, it spends too much time at the dealership because something always seems to be broken. Some repairs have been covered under warranty, but we've still shelled out over $9k (maintenance not included). The car hasn’t even racked up that many miles.

Below are just some of the annoyances:

The shifting can be rough. Sometimes, I press on the gas and the car barely moves, and when it does, it's jerky.

The shifting can be rough. Sometimes, I press on the gas and the car barely moves, and when it does, it's jerky.

For the past few weeks, the check engine light has been turning on randomly.

Numerous electronic issues.

Since the car's problems have stepped up in the past few weeks, I'm beyond fed up. I don't feel safe driving it around with my kids and I've even started getting nightmares about it stranding us in the middle of nowhere. Craig always downplays this and claims that it's normal for the car to have some issues.

Making things worse somehow, Craig's sedan has started developing issues lately. It has begun to refuse to start some mornings and will sometimes shut itself off when it comes to a stop sign or red light.

On Saturday, I was supposed to drive our eldest to his soccer game and then take my younger kids to the doctor's office. When I turned on the Mercedes, it sounded very rough, the engine light was on, and the temperature reading was extremely wrong. I don't bother risking it and end up ubering with the kids.

I told Craig about it that night. He listened at first, but when I suggested selling it, he cut me off and said that he wasn’t getting a van just because I wanted that. It was so combative and defensive the way he said it, and because I was so tired from the day, I lashed out. We argued it got heated and I ended up saying "Your fragile masculinity is costing our family so much money". In retrospect, maybe my tone was harsh, but he was being needlessly difficult. We haven’t really spoken much since then. I'll also be ubering to work this week since I won't be touching that car.

AITA?

Edit - For those wondering about the car's condition, I've included the I took of it on Saturday when I started it up. The engine light is on and it was saying the temperature was -12°F when it was really something like 60°F

Context - For those wondering, this isn't the first instance of his masculinity being threatened by something minor. He also refuses lip balm and purple dress shirts among other things.

Comments

shestammie

I don’t get it. You’re the primary user of the proposed car and he has his own. Even if you give in and call the car “womanly” what’s his insistence that his wife - presumably a woman - doesn’t drive it?

OOP: We we go on road-trips he usually drives, also he'll sometimes use it to take the kids to school and their other activities and he doesn't want anyone confusing him with a "soccer-mom". It sounds so childish when I write it out and read it back to myself

GoodGirl99999

So he’s worried someone will look at him and think he has a girlie car? Damn. He’s a tool

hungrytravler

I donno......a dad in a minivan with his wife and kids is clearly a virgin!!!

yavanna12

My first date with my now husband I asked him what vehicle he drove. He looked embarrassed and pointed out the window to a van. I excitedly asked if it was a Pontiac Montana as I had fond memories of my old Montana. It was. He took me to see it and on the dash was a stack of coupons. I knew in that moment this man was the one I was going to marry. The van and coupons were a major turn on

loftychicago

I had an ex who made fun of me for using coupons... until he saw how much I saved on one shipping trip. Then he was all, "Dang, now I know why you're rich." Well, richer than him.

Husband's Perspective - same day (heavily downvoted)

Before I begin this post; I'll add the disclaimer that this post is written from the perspective of the husband from the first post (SEE HERE)

My wife showed me the post she made this morning so that I could see how people were reacting to her perspective. I was honestly quite surprised by the comments, so I asked her if I could make a follow-up post to clarify my position.

Firstly, I want to emphasize that I did NOT buy a lemon, as some people seem to think. We had the car inspected by a mechanic before purchasing it, and the Carfax report we obtained was clean.

I understood that my wife (let's call her Ava) would be the primary driver, but I wanted a car with some ground clearance and AWD since we sometimes drive along dirt roads when we go on vacation (and renting a car for these instances didn't seem practical). In my mind, this requirement ruled out the Honda or Kia minivans. Additionally, I feel that a minivan is unnecessary for us as we only have four children. I'll admit that I have a personal bias against minivans because they are exclusively mom cars. The Mercedes on the other hand, has been expensive to repair and does experience frequent problems, but when it is fully operational, it is an excellent family cruiser. I understand that it's unreliable, but I think the idea of it stranding my family in the middle of nowhere is a stretch.

Now onto the day of the argument.

I was at work on Saturday, so I was unable to take the kids to their activities and appointments. When Ava sent me a picture of the gauge cluster of the Mercedes, I did offer to come back home and drop off my car for her to use, but she declined for two reasons. Firstly, she didn't think it would have enough space (it is a 2017 Chevy Impala, so it has a lot of space), and secondly, she was wary due to a minor stalling issue. At that point, we agreed that using an uber was the best solution.

Saturday night, I arrived home exhausted from work at the hospital. All I wanted to do was eat dinner and catch up on the Spurs match. The argument happened around this point. I did try to be supportive; however, I still hold reservations about owning a minivan, and I felt that her comment about masculinity was both unhelpful and unnecessary.

Call it poetic justice if you will, but this morning when I was getting ready to take the kids to school and daycare, my Impala wouldn't start at all. Now we have two broken cars, and the entire family is relying on uber. It can't be the battery or alternator since both were replaced within the last year, so I haven't got a clue what it is.

I've accepted my wife's point of view, and we'll be looking at new car options later this week. She is very pleased about this and has mentioned that she considers this acceptance as an alternative to an apology from me. However, now she wants us to replace both cars.

As for the lip balm and the 'purple shirt,' my opinion is that most lip balms look too much like lipstick, and I don't find them hygienic since you essentially rub your old germs back on every time you use them. The shirt in question was more pink than purple and more than that, it was far too tight for my liking.

I hope this clarifies things and provides a better understanding of our situation.

Edit - For those wondering, my wife isn't paying for repairs on her own. We take the repair bills out of our joint account.

Comments (none were supportive)

WeEatATrain

Get over your feelings. Get safe vehicles, be a good parent and partner, and take care of your kids and wife.

CanYouBeHonest

He only has 4 kids so a minivan isn't needed! That might be the dumbest backwards argument I've ever seen.

Also, it's a mom car. I get why he feels that way. This dude is just an insecure loser that thinks his car says something about him that he can't project on his own. I wish women would quit having sex with guys like this. You're ruining the world.

Update - 6 days later

Craig and I were able to put the issue regarding the Mercedes behind us, and for the past week, we've been working towards finding a replacement. He was still leaning towards an SUV, and while I considered his opinion, it was ultimately my decision to make.

After shopping around for a few days, we purchased this lovely black minivan on Friday. In the short time we've owned it, I can confidently say it surpasses our Mercedes in essentially every way. The comfort is superior, the technology is better, but most importantly, it accommodates the whole family and all our belongings with space to spare. Beyond that, I feel safe transporting my children or just running errands.

Craig has also admitted that the minivan was a better choice. He has read many of the responses from previous posts and acknowledged that wanting an SUV, despite the current size of our family, was a bit impractical. He's even opened up to potentially using lip balm; however, the purple shirt I liked is still a no since he thinks it's too snug-fitting and more pink than purple. He has been in a good mood since Arsenal lost or something, which I guess partially explains his newfound agreeableness.

Currently, we only have the one working van. We will be taking the Mercedes into the garage at some point in the future and then hopefully selling it shortly after. We plan to take the Mercedes to the garage in the near future and hopefully sell it soon after. Additionally, Craig's personal car will also need some repairs.

Comments

MechaMogzilla

Imagine only being open to change because one group of people kicked a ball better than another instead of you know to be a better person.

TaterMA

Some times the balls get in the way

AerieApprehensive181

Just for the Arsenal comment he is an asshole.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My (25M) best friend (25M) sleeps with married women and he crossed the line last week

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

  May 8, 2024

My best friend has a thing for married older women.

Over the years he has had surprising success in this area. It started when he was 18 and slept with a married 30 year old woman with a kid. They were both waiters at a restaurant and after months of flirting she slept with him.

In the 7 years since there have been 12 of them. All married or engaged, with ages ranging from 30 to 52. In the beginning I thought the whole thing was funny but as the years have gone on I have grown disgusted by this behavior.

If we are at a bar and he sees a bachelorette party he is hitting on the bride to be. He coaches his nephews little league team just to meet the moms. He’s had to leave 3 different jobs because he was sleeping with married coworkers and the husbands found out leading to confrontations while he was on the job.

The last straw for me was last week. I recently got engaged and my fiancé’s family threw us an engagement party. It wasn’t a surprise so my fiancé and I both invited who we wanted and one of the people I wanted there was one of my former managers at work, let’s call him Tom. I am a CPA at a big firm and Tom was really a mentor to me when I started. He left to work in industry but we kept in touch and are still close. Tom is 40 and just the nicest guy you will ever meet.

So he and his wife (38F) come to our engagement party. I had never met his wife before, she is beautiful by the way. And at one point during the party I see my friend talking to Tom’s wife while Tom took a phone call. I immediately go over and interrupt the conversation and pull my friend aside and tell him to not even think about it. My friend says he wasn’t. Which was bullshit but I thought he took my warning seriously.

I was wrong. A few weeks later Tom calls me and tells me that his wife had been acting strange since the engagement party and he went through her phone and found text messages with another guy. The texts included nudes exchanged on both sides and it was very clear that they had met up for sex. Tom had confronted his wife the night before and of course it was my friend who she’d slept with.

Tom was devastated, crying on the phone. He wasn’t even angry he just wanted to know why she did it and was asking me to talk to my friend to get some more details. I called my friend right after I got off the phone with Tom and exploded on him, basically ending our 20 year friendship.

It’s been a week and my friend hasn’t stopped apologizing. Other than his despicable behavior with married women he has been a good friend to me. We have been like brothers since kindergarten. It hurts to throw away someone who has been such a big part of your life but I just can’t be party to this anymore. I’m making the right decision, right?

TLDR: My best friend sleeps with married women and I don’t know if I can be friends with him anymore.

  EDIT:

I do want to add that aside from my friend’s bad morals with married women, he has been a really good friend to me over the years. If I needed anything he was the first one there. He’s never slept with any of the girls I’ve dated and never tried. 

A lot of people are also saying that my fiancé would be next but that is ignoring the fact that my fiancé would never cheat on me. A cheater has a personality defect. My friend clearly has one but so do the women that cheat on their husbands. They are all inherently narcissistic and care only about their personal gratification. My friend hit on my fiancé before we met and she shot him down abruptly then. I’m not worried  about her. But I am sick over Tom and I do bear responsibility for what happened. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

druscarlet

Yes. He did not respect your request. He lied to your face and will do it again. Ruining other people’s marriage for sport is sad.  I would not put hitting on your fiancé past this sick guy.

OOP

He actually hit on my fiancé first the night we met and she shot him down. My friend usually isn’t shot down so I felt I needed to go and talk to this girl and now we are getting married.

He wouldn’t cross that line with me I don’t think but who knows if she was into him. 

~

Beginning-Stop7646

Although your friend is a selfish AH and needs therapy it takes two to tango. Every single one of those women should've and could've have said no, but they didn't. For whatever reason, they chose to cheat on their spouse's. I am pissed for you though bc you asked him personally not to do it again especially towards someone you looked up to he still did it. He's not trustworthy whatsoever. What if he tries again with your wife or someone else's wife in your family? 

OOP

I justified his behavior when I was younger because he wasn’t the one married. I thought what the hell is wrong with these women that they would throw their lives away for sex. But deliberately trying to tempt these women started to disgust me a few years ago 

~

Disastrous-Assist-90

You need to be honest with the fact that you were totally fine with him destroying other peoples lives right in front of you, but because it didn’t directly impact you, you excused it.

OOP

But I wasn’t fine with it I just wasn’t ready to end a 20 year friendship over his poor decisions. 

OOP on why Tom called him

If you know anything about public account especially in large firms you would know that you spend a lot of time with the people you work with. If you are in audit you spend months and months literally in the same room as your co workers. You eat all three meals with them and see them more than your family. 

Tom was good to me and we became friends. He called me because it was my friend who his wife slept with. It wasn’t to get comfort or support. 

What his fiancée thinks of his friend and does she know he sleeps with married women

She’s known from the start. She doesn’t like it when I go out with him. 

&

My fiancé is grossed out by him. He hit on her first the night we met and she shot him down. I’m not worried about my fiancé. 

Remember that we had been friends for a very long time before he started doing this stuff. It’s not so easy to just cut someone off because they do things you disagree with. We were like brothers, I thought he would do anything for me. 

  May 15, 2024

It’s been about a week since I posted and I wanted to give an update on how things ended up with my now former friend. I agreed to meet with him last night and hear him out. So we went for a drink and he apologized profusely for putting me in this spot and said he would never do that again.

So I took this opportunity to really express how disgusted I was with his behavior and that I couldn’t be friends with someone that intentionally tries to ruin families. I tell him Tom and his wife have 2 children they were happily married and he’s now destroyed their family. I ask if that is something he feels bad about. He says yes but I can tell he’s bullshitting.

I ignore the fact that he’s lying because I want to know how all of this went down. Tom’s wife didn’t want to share alot of detail with him so I promised that I would find out as much as I could. So I ask to see the texts between them. He resists but I threaten to walk out and never talk to him again so he gives me the phone.

He contacted her on Facebook after the party and they talked there for a day or two before switching to text. The conversations turned sexual very quickly and it was clear that Tom’s wife was interested in a quick fling. She says in the texts that she loves her husband but that doesn’t stop her. I’m shocked by this but my friend isn’t. This isn’t the first happily married woman who took up is offer for strings free sex.

Beyond what is in the texts my friend says Tom’s wife just wanted a temporary escape, to be someone she can’t be with her husband and once she got it out of her system she would just go back to normal.

Then he starts telling me what she was like when they were together but I stop him. I say we aren’t teenagers anymore and none of this is funny. I tell him I’m done with this and both you and Tom’s wife disgust me.

I leave and block his number. I know I should have done this years ago but I didn’t. I call Tom after I leave and lie. I say I wasn’t able to get any detail. I can’t tell him that his wife just wanted some wild sex. That isn’t something I would want  to know. Tom and his wife are a going to go to counseling. If it were me I’d divorce her. The level of disrespect is off the charts but maybe Tom is a better man than me.

My fiancé is happy that I have finally cut off my now former best friend. But I am sad, I hope he gets help someday before he fucks with the wrong guys wife. Thanks for listening.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AllInkalicious

You are making a massive mistake in not telling Tom and it makes me doubt your sincerity.

If you know that’s she purposefully betrayed him for meaningless sex why would you not tell him? Who knows what’s she said or promised that can be contradicted or shown to be more lies with your truth.

After years of applauding and supporting your scumbag friend’s behaviour, this is your one chance to help someone.

OOP

He already knows they had sex and he’s seen a lot of the texts. I just couldn’t tell him that she wants to have wild sex with someone else that she doesn’t want to have with him. She apparently just isn’t attracted to him like that, he doesn’t bring that out in her. I wouldn’t want to know that. I don’t know how I would have sex with her ever again know she thought they of me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

So, my wife is having some issues at her work with multiple people of different levels of management telling her different things to do depending on who's the manager on duty at the moment. I said she should do what the acting manager told her to do and when another manager came on duty complaining about what she was doing to relay what the previous manager had told her and to let them work it out. I also said that she should document everything so that she could relate it to HR if it became necessary to do so. I then explained to her about 'malicious compliance' and what it meant.

This started me thinking about an incident at my old job at a manufacturing plant about 12 years ago. The building had two areas: A production/packaging area, and an attached shipping/receiving warehouse. The production area was air-conditioned/heated. The warehouse was heated, but only had roof exhaust fans and no AC, so it got pretty hot in the summer, but was bearable (we just moved slower). On end of Friday we closed all the dock doors and shut off the exhaust fans and close the overhead door that separated the warehouse from the production areas (during the week the overhead was open but had those plastic flap strips you could drive a forklift through to keep the cool air in production). One Friday the newish manager, who spent little actual time in that building, told us that we should keep the fans on and the separation overhead door open during the weekend to keep the temperature cooler in the warehouse. Why he cared I really can't fathom. We tried to explain to him that with the dock doors closed the roof fans would simply suck all of the cold air out of the production area, but he blew us off with the standard, "You will do as I instruct you to do". So... cue MC. Monday comes that morning in July and it was hot as hell in the production area. The warehouse was the same temperature as always, and the coils on the production AC units had frozen and we had to have people to come out and service them.

All the manager had to say was, "Keep that separation overhead door closed at all times!"

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

My father in law lied to my husband that I cheated on him — I DID NOT (23F, 26M)

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, possible baby trapping

: October 1, 2022

My husband and his dad are best friends. They work together, hang out together. I’ve always known his dad didn’t like me but things got worse after we moved out of his house and got our own. He’ll act nice to me in front of my husband except for some non funny jokes or smart comments but the minute my husband is not around, he gets rude to me. Like reminding me that I come from a poor family, would never have a big house or nice car if it wasn’t for his son. He just constantly insinuates that I married his son for money which is not true. I got tired of mentioning it to my husband because he just brushes it off.

Father in law has told me a couple times that I should divorce his son before he "tells him the truth". I knew I haven’t done anything wrong so I didn’t know what to say. I even asked my husband exactly 2 weeks ago what would happen if his dad made up some lies about me and he said his dad would never do that.

Well he did. He told my husband that he has seen me around town with a man multiple times and that I was seen getting a hotel room with the same man. He claims he’s seen us kiss … I wasn’t around when he told my husband this. I told him it’s a lie but I can tell he is now doubting my word. I asked if his dad had some kind of proof and he said no.

Then he told me he needs to be away from me for a few days to clear his head and went straight to his dad’s. To me that just means he believes his dad’s lies. Why would his dad go out of his way to do this? And why would he just believe it?

This just seems so unfair. You’d think he would at least expect some proof before shutting me out and treating me like I did something wrong. I don’t know if I’m supposed to beg him to come back or just let his dad’s plan work? I know the longer he stays there, the more he will believe his lies …

Relevant Comments

Glittering-Wonder-30: confront him and record it either video or an audio recording. since he goes out of his way to do this everytime hubby is not around, thats the perfect chance for you to catch him in his lies. maybe record a phonecall🤔

edit: if the laws let you🤷🏻‍♀️

OOP: I called him as soon as my husband told me because I was trying to get some proof that he’s lying. He didn’t say anything incriminating and kept saying things like “I can’t believe you’d do this to him” as if he really believes that I cheated. I’m wondering if he knew I was trying to record him. That or he’s absolutely crazy.

OOP on her husband believing his father if there are no proof that OOP cheated on him

OOP: Especially when he doesn’t even have proof. Why is it that easy for him to believe his dad’s word over mine? An affair is so easy to prove. If I am having one and I’m seen around town, why can’t he prove it?

I asked for all of that and he kept saying that’s irrelevant because he trusts his dad. Then he said his dad doesn’t have proof because he never had time to take a picture of me with the other guy. It’s literally his word against mine and he decided to listen to his dad

I’m thinking of giving up for sure. This is so unfair. I never cheated on him. I’ve never done anything wrong. His dad is accusing me with absolutely no proof and if it’s that easy for him to see me as an awful person who would do this then I guess he never trusted me. He doesn’t realize how awful of a person his dad is. I have been trying to tell him for so long and at this point maybe it’s just not worth it.

OOP on her father-in-law and why he doesn’t like her

OOP: His dad thinks I’m just here for the money and I don’t know why. I’m about to leave and start over on my own. I don’t need the car or house. I’m here because I love the guy but obviously he doesn’t love me enough to at least ask for proof before seeing me as a bad person. I’d rather be on my own than continue to deal with this. If his dad is willing to go this far, who knows what’s coming next.

OOP on finding a way to prove the truth

OOP: You just reminded me that we do have ring cameras!! Now I just need to know what days and times I was supposedly out cheating at a hotel because chances are I was home those days and maybe I can use the rings to prove it. Thank you so much!!

: October 23, 2022 (3 weeks later)

I posted a few weeks ago after my father in law (who hates me) lied to my husband that I was cheating. My husband just fell for his lies without even asking for proof. Things got crazy. He assumed his dad was telling the truth and left our house to go stay at his dad’s. I kept telling him if his dad is telling the truth then he has to be able to show some kind of proof. I’m guessing that didn’t happen because my husband came back and apologized for not trusting me more.

But ever since he’s been back, he’s been obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant. Talking about it constantly, physically trying … I keep telling him I’m 23 … I’m not ready. Of course we’ll have babies but I just want to keep working on us, especially with what just happened. He doesn’t like my answers. Now he’s calling me suspicious and says my answers don’t make sense to him. It feels like we’re back to him not trusting me. I don’t know what’s going on. I just want some kind of outside input because I’m starting to really wonder if this relationship is even working.

Comments

LhasaApsoSmile: He wants you pregnant so you are tied to him. He is deeply insecure and suspicious. I'd sit him down and say that what his father did was deeply hurtful to you. Ask him if he is sorry about that? Then say that partners make big decisions, like babies, together. Is he ready to be a partner?

AND - keep your birth control in a locked cabinet or get an IUD.

JemimaAslana: I don't trust for a second that he has let go of his dad's ideas. Getting you pregnant will prevent you from cheating (in the minds of some men), but even worse: it will bind you to him through the baby.

Be very, VERY mindful of your birth control. When he's this insistent and has no respect for your wishes, he may try to sabotage your bc. Do NOT make do with condoms. They are easy to sabotage or slip off. Pills can be messed with. Make sure you either get the shot, implant or an IUD.

Don't let him babytrap you.

Get counselling.

Get him to come clean about whatever bs his dad's been spewing about how to ensure your loyalty.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My father in law has breakfast every Saturday morning at a restaurant. He gets there at 6 am when they open and usually stays until 8:30 or so. His kids and grandchildren drop in and out, most do not stay the whole time and they either pay their own checks on the way out or leave him cash to cover their bill and he pays before he leaves.

Last Saturday I went late and crossed him leaving. My wife and daughters waited for me. I ordered and they chatted while I ate. They headed home while I went to the counter to pay the check.

It was $171!

I immediately asked for an itemized receipt and after a bit of hesitation the waitress provided it. I took one l look and knew I had been stuck with my sister in laws check too. The waitress confirmed that she had been there early and didn’t pay before leaving. The waitress assumed someone else would pay it as they sometimes do. I requested that she separate the checks. My family of 4 was $60. Sister in laws’ family of 3 was $111.

The manager came over to discuss the situation and said I could pay, sister-in-law could come within 30 minutes and pay or he would call the police.

I called sister-in-law and she said she was out of town and asked me to pay it and she’d pay me ‘later’. I told her she could Venmo or cash app me right away and I’d pay it.

She asked the total and I told her. She then asked what her share was and I told her that was her total as we had separate checks. She didn’t understand how breakfast for 3 could be $111. I read the ticket. Coffee, orange juice, milk and coke for everyone = 4 x $3 each x 3 people = $36. Double cheeseburger with fries $15, side of hash browns $3, add grilled onions and mushrooms $2 add extra cheese $2 add bacon $3 = $25. All meat omelet meal $12 add a side of bacon $3 add stack of pancakes $5 = $20. French toast $10 add blueberries $1 add strawberries$1 add side of bacon $3 add grits $3 add cheese $2 = $20 = 101 + tax $10 = $111.

She said she didn’t understand how it added up to so much. I told her that was how her family always ordered so I didn’t understand how she didn’t understand how all the extra things add up, but I wasn’t willing to spend my whole Saturday dealing with it. She could send me money right away to pay her check or I was leaving without paying it.

She sent me the exact amount, no tip. I paid, tipped the waitress and left.

I told my wife and she said that her sister never leaves enough to cover her bill.

Sister-in-law called my father in law and complained that her day was ruined. They were planning to go to the opening weekend of the water park and buy season passes but couldn’t afford it after paying for breakfast. He thinks I’m a jerk for putting her on the spot knowing the probably couldn’t afford $100+ for breakfast. He says he forgot she had been there and thinks I should have just paid and asked for the money later and says he would have paid me if she didn’t.

So Aitah for asking a 30-something year old woman to pay for her own ‘forgotten’ breakfast check and insisting that she paid me right away because she has a history of not repaying debts?

So, here’s the deal. My sister has three kids, and every time she needs money for them, she comes to me. I’ve given her money three times before, but every single time she ends up spending it on herself instead of the kids. It’s really frustrating because I want to help my nieces and nephews, and they need legit help, but I don’t want to keep enabling her behavior.

This week, I won $12k from some NBA bets, and of course, she found out about it. I do this for a living and my mom accidentally mentioned it to her. Now she’s asking me for money again, saying it’s for the kids. I really don’t believe her anymore, but I also feel super guilty because the kids actually do need stuff. It’s a tough spot to be in. I don’t want to be the asshole who doesn’t help out, but I also don’t want to just hand over more money for her to blow on herself.

I suggested buying the kids what they need directly, but she got really mad and said I should just trust her. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to cause drama in the family, but I’m tired of feeling like I’m just giving her free spending money.

So, Reddit, AITA for refusing to give her any more money? Should I stick to my guns and only buy things for the kids directly, or am I being too harsh? I just don’t want the kids to suffer because of this whole situation. Any advice would be appreciated!

My wife is someone in class as my best friend and we have been together for 20 years. We have done everything together and normally we tell each other the first thing about any new news.

She recently started to develop a few breast symptoms which are concerning and we went to the GP who referred us to a cancer clinic. We were very scared and I went with her for the whole thing taking time off work.

We were told they did see a small lump on a scan but it was probably nothing and took a biopsy. We would be told in a few weeks what the results were and told not to worry.

It’s been 6 weeks and I thought we hadn’t heard anything, which had been playing on my mind. I had made a few passing comments and my wife had just shrugged.

Last week, I sat her down and explained we should raise it with the hospital and complain as it wasn’t fair how long we were waiting. My wife uncharacteristically started arguing with me and ended up shouting that she already knew the results.

She had been asked to come in and took one of her friends with her three weeks ago. They had told her she had localised cancer and they were planning chemo and surgery. It would mean we would need to speak and go through egg storage for fertility and she was worried she would upset me causing me to leave.

I’m obviously devastated and scared about my wife. She’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose her. I don’t care about anything else I just want to be there for her even if it means not having children. I’m just hurt and worried that she felt she couldn’t tell me or involve me. It hurts to know she has been dealing with it on her own and I couldn’t support her.

I will not or ever leave her no matter what and I know she needs my support right now. However, I have found I have stopped talking about what is going on in my life or my stresses and just closing down any conversations about my day etc.

My wife has accused me of planning to leave or cheating and says I am being an over sensitive asshole. So AITA?

My grandma died 6 years ago. I (23f) was 17 at the time. Grandma and I were always very close. She knew that my parents had a very strong preference for my sister and treated me badly in comparison to her. She was also aware that my sister bullied me because of the clear favoritism and for that reason, she stepped in to become my hero and the one person in the whole world who made me feel wanted and special (at least during my early childhood). I spent pretty much every day with her. I'd be at her house after school, when my parents wanted to go anywhere they would leave me with her, she would take me out for my birthday so I could celebrate, she threw small birthday parties for me. She essentially raised me and became my mom. There were times I spent larger chunks of time with her. Like an entire month or 2/3 weeks because my parents just didn't care if I was in their home or not. My sister never cared. She used to mock me for spending so much time with an "old lady".

When grandma died she left me all of her sentimental possessions and she left it in a way that my parents could not get their hands on it. The inheritance was protected from them and my sister until I was 20. So for the last three years I've had all her jewelry and old photos and some sentimental trinkets she kept.

This made my parents and my sister more resentful of me. Now my sister is getting married and she wants something of grandma's to wear for the wedding, a wedding I am not invited to. We don't even speak anymore and I considered us mutually no contact for the last twoish years. But she reached out and demanded I let her wear something of grandma's and then our parents got involved and I ignored them all until it got crazy all the requests so I said no and then blocked their numbers. But they didn't give up and found other ways to reach me and call me TA.

AITA?

This issue started a while ago, my son married Becky. Becky and my daughter do not get along. Looking in on it, personalities don’t mix well. They frustrate eachother a lot. About a year ago, the family was having a BBQ and Becky was asked to bring paper plates so no one had to clean plates.She brought plastic plates so my daughter would need to wash them in order to give them back to Becky by the end of the night. The BBQ was at her home.

I think it was a breaking point for her, because she grabbed me and went inside. She had a big rant were she was not pleasant about Becky. It was mostly about her not following instructions and in her eyes that she was incompetent. I told her to calm down and just enjoy the night. I will do the dishes.

A few days later I got a call from my son saying he will only communicate with me if becky is there. So group chats, if she is on the phone with him or inperson. That he heard that we were talking shit about his wife and this is what he is doing now. Same thing with my daughter, he didn’t let me explain.

So from them on we have been communicating that way. It has been frustrating at times and I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything personally.

This bring me to the main issue, I have breast cancer. I informed the kids one by one about it. I am not comfortable to explain my diagnosis with his wife in the room. We are not close and I am very emotional about it. So I texted him that we needed to talk alone and he told me that anything I stay I can say in front of his wife. I called him but no answer and me saying it was very important didn’t do anything.

My option was to tell him with an audience or not tell him and let him learn from someone else. I chose not to tell him, I had my first appointment and my daughter made a post on instagrams wishing me luck and support.

He called me up pissed that he found out about this on social media and called me a jerk for not telling him. My point was I did try and he wouldn’t listen to me.

4 years ago my dad married a woman who has a daughter the same age as me. We are both going to college this year. My dad has been saving for my college since before I was born so I was never worried about money, still I got accepted to a good college with a full ride so my dad said I get to use my college fund for whatever I want and I still haven't decided what do with it.

My stepmom couldn't afford to save for my stepsister's college. After she married my dad she could finally save a bit of money and I think she has saved about 8K.

Now my stepmom and stepsister are insisting I give my college fund to her since I don't need it but why would I do that? It's MINE. They think I'm an asshole.

My husband (34M) and I (32F) have been together for 6 years and now have a 10 month old baby. I moved out here to the Bay Area from the east coast for him and our life together. I feel as is I have made a lot of sacrifices on my end and am starting to become resentful towards my husband and in laws. For background context I come from an immigrant family raised poor and have done very well for myself. I was the first one in my entire extended family to go to college and still the only one to be a collegiate athlete. I have worked since I was 14 at any hosting/waitressing gig that I could find. To this day I still help support my family financially as most eldest children of immigrants do. Regardless I managed to save up 250k by age 27. I fell in love with my husband at that age and decided to move out to him after a 1 1/2 year of making long distance work. We were both on the same page of what we wanted in life with family etc. My now husband however is a white male with a relatively privileged background in comparison. Moving 3000 miles from everything I knew was hard for sure but I jumped in and made it work and found a way. After moving to california I found a good paying job in a new industry/career I wanted to pursue after only 3 months. And quickly in 5 years I am now able to make annually what I had originally saved up. As I’m sure everyone knows affording living in California is no easy feat but with my large lump savings it has allowed us to become home owners. After having a baby however the stress of finances and reliable help has heightened. Day care for a 40 hour work week is 3000-4000 a month in my area, and as hard as I’ve researched there is nothing (and I wish I was exaggerating) under 2900 a month. Before taxes are taken out that is easily the equivalent of a 60-70k job. My mother in law is a retired pre school teacher of almost 40 years. Part of the reasoning of my move was to have my MIL around to help raise our babies. She seems like a perfect fit right? We weighed out all 3 options, move to him, move to me, or move somewhere new entirely. We both wanted to be close to family and decided that my husbands place would be the most ideal. He also kind of guilt tripped me into agreeing that since they were older than my parents and its best to spend more time with them as we‘ll have more time with my mom later. My MIL however is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met, BUT ONLY TO ME! She has 2 sons and I am married to the youngest. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her other daughter in law but would literally suck her d*** to get her approval. I have always gone above and beyond to be kind and giving to her. In comparison to her other daughter in law I am a complete 180. She has a key and an open door policy to my place, I converse and spend time with her for hours and I constantly cook and or buy dinner for them on a weekly basis. I am thoughtful and buy all the family’s presents for all holidays and birthdays. When the men are around she is the sweetest thing but when its just us, always throws the most jabs at me. From saying things like “oh my you sure you’re not going to break your ankle in those or are you just trying to get attention” “wow more food are you trying to make me fat/out do me?” “Is that new, ive never seen it, do you have a shopping addiction he he” To even “I'm not sure we need you around here making us look bad you sure you don’t miss the east coast?” I take it in the chin with a smile on my face and always change the subject as I was always taught to not talk back to my elders. My husband told that she was going to take care of the baby once its time for me to go back to work. Weeks before that time came she started talking about how busy she was with volunteering and sending daycare recommendations our way as a hint. When her and my husband had that talk everything seemed fine as she started watching the baby 5x a week. Im the one who does the drop off and pick up however and I have to hear it every day 2x a day. To her son she only says how happy and lucky she is to get to spend time with her granddaughter etc. To me she is saying how it takes up so much of her time and its boring watching a baby. My husband doesn’t even believe me. After sacrificing my family (which I miss so deeply) my friends, and even my passion in life which was coaching youth sports just to jump in the corporate bs world because I recognized quickly that’s what it would take to live comfortably out here, IM DRAINED. All my money, time, efforts and energy have gone into him and his family pretty much and I can’t even get the support I was promised. Honestly it would have been easy for me to just buy a house straight up for 250k on the east coast have no mortgage, just coach and make a little money but it was what made me happy, and have my mom around who would happily help with our babies around. Instead I’ve given it all to this man for this situation and for my MIL to constantly complain about “how much i do for you” instead of recognizing how much I’ve done for her son. It infuriates me. My mother would view this as a privilege not a burden and cries every time we have to FaceTime. My MIL has asked me to ”take a day or two off work every week” or “make sure you try to be here by 2 when my shows starts” and I’m at a breaking point. I’ve been sneaking into work late and getting out early for months now just to ease her load. But I’m struggling at work and it’s noticeable in my results now. I also make more money then my husband by 6 figures and have the financial pressures on my back. One day I snapped back with “that’s something you're gonna need to talk to your son about” and all hell broke loose. My husband came home pissed that I had said so many derogatory things to his mom, shamed her for not being a good enough caretaker, the works. She then said she “needed space” and I took a week off work in order to take care of the baby. I went to try and smooth things over with her after a couple days and found her incredibly hammered at 9am in the morning. Stumbling on her words and feet my FIL came out looking mortified and tried to hide her back in her room. I figured she was upset and left it at that only to try to go back the next morning TO THE SAME THING. After talking to my husband he finally tells me that she is a struggling alcoholic and has been for 50 years! He says “but she’s a functioning alcoholic so she just needs to get this intense period out of her system she’ll bounce back“ The rage and disbelief I had with both the situation and my husband was out of control. Was she drinking while watching the baby? You knew about this and put our daughter in that situation? To save money on daycare you let our daughter there knowingly? Functioning wtf?! Was all her BS a way to get distance so she could drink? The more I thought back there were definitely days where I just thought she was more loopy than others, was that her drinking a moderate amount.? After talking to my SIL it was and she has been drinking every day without a day off for the last 20 years and that’s why they had a tainted relationship. I didn‘t talk to my husband for days and started looking for other homes on the east coast closer to my family. After a couple days I sat him down and only said this.. “Here are other homes we can move to or you get another job to cover the bills or I’m reporting all of you to CPS and there is no more us and our family” It feels harsh, so Am I the A****** for bluntly dropping this ultimatum on my husband?

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is still . He posted in and

Previous BORU . Thanks to for letting me know there was an update!

Trigger Warnings: mention of pandemic death; death of a spouse

OOP incredibly sweet

Original : February 17, 2024

I am one of many who lost someone in that damn 2020. She was my world and we had our future all set up, she wanted children too by 2021, and then she was gone.

I felt I had lost all sense of purpose and after an agonizing year, moved away - not too far, but not close either. I didn't feel like I could breathe in that town. Still, every Saturday I get back and visit her resting place.

I just functioned for about two years - I am not depressed or anything like that, but I just functioned. Until I met who we will call Ada last year.

We started talking and hanging out together. She can be a bit haughty with people she doesn't know well but I was surprised to find out how sweet and kind she is under the ice. She gave me something to look forward to again. She likes to do most of the talking herself, which is fine with me because I never know what to say.

She knows everything about my wife, and this didn't discourage her. She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning, but she never left me alone. I asked her to tell me if anything I do or say makes her feel uncomfortable or like she's not a priority - she said that as of now I am doing nothing of the sort. She knows what I do every Saturday morning, and never objected to it. But today she said she would like to "meet her", as in accompany me in visiting her grave.

I feel conflicted about this. On one hand I respect and feel touched by her wish, on other it feels... weird, for a guy to take the new girlfriend where the first wife is buried. How should I approach this? Is it too soon, should I ask her to wait for that?

TL;DR I am a widower who started dating. Girlfriend wants to visit my wife's grave and I have conflicting feelings about it.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Your wife would want you to continue with your life. I think it's an excellent idea to take your girlfriend to meet your wife. She doesn't want to disrespect her, she wants to integrate her into your relationship. The girlfriend sounds great. You are no longer married, it's been a couple if years. Embrace the fact the girlfriend respects and honors you and your wife. She may be your next wife.... she definitely has so.e good stuff going for her.

OOP: Yes, we talked many times that we both wanted the other to be happy if one of us passed on... never thought it'd actually happen.

Ada has been nothing but respectful and tactful when I talk about her or show her things and pictures.

OOP clarifies when he visits his wife:

To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit.  I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture. 

OOP adds another comment with details:

Some details I have left out from the post. Ada and I met last April, and we hit it off immediately.

We are not currently living together and we divide pur time between our places, but we are planning on sharing a home permanently.  She has been clear she would like our relationship to blossom into something long-time, and she is fine with a long engagement before the eventual marriage.

She is very clear and no bullshit about what she wants and needs, but at the same time she is patient and undestanding.

I love this woman and I want to make her happy. 

More on Ada:

Ada is a very headstrong and determined person, but on this I find a patience and a kindness in her that are close to infinite. She doesn't get upset when I'm a bit sad or thinking about my late wife, she understands. When we first started sleeping in the same bed I shared with her it felt a little weird and also a bit like I was cheating on my late wife. Again no anger or upset on her part, she said she would probably feel the same if she was in my shoes.

Update (Same Post): February 22, 2024 (5 days later)

I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing.

I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.

I feel a bit of an emotion I can't define about this, but I think it will be a good thing.

Update : February 23, 2024 (almost 1 week from OG post)

Some additional info and an update.

Some redditors and some people around us were worried that my relationship with Ada is just a rebound. I admit is something that I too was worried about, and Ada told me she didn't have long lasting expectations at first.

We began dating in April 2023, but as things progressed and she saw my intentions are serious and I'm committed, her doubts about me were gone. She says we are made of the same stuff - we are two loyal, committed and hardworking people and she wants a future with me. And so do I. We are looking for a new place to share and I'm looking for the ring to make my proposal. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about my past, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.

To my surprise, everyone approves of us - my parents, Ada's parents, and my late wife's mother. We never got any backlash.

On the update. I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing. So I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.

However I had unexpected things come up for tomorrow - I have to cover for a sick coworker, which means I'll be taken all morning and great part of the afternoon. It happens, and when it happens I either go on Friday or Sunday. I decided to go this afternoon (we are in Europe, it's evening here) and asked Ada if she wanted to come along - and she readily agreed.

We didn't talk much during the drive. When we arrived, we made our way to my wife's tombstone and I just said "Well, here she is". I fetched the water for the flowers and start my usual routine, Ada just crouched as if to examine it. Then she just helped me with the caretaking routine, removing the dead leaves and flowers, and cleaning the picture and the light. We then took a walk around the cemetery (might sound weird, but it's not unusual here as many cemeteries double as parks here) then sat outside for a smoke before the drive back.

We talked a bit, and Ada, who's quite the stoic, got a little emotional. She was happy I had let her in on such what for me is a particularly intimate and sacred place, but also shaken because after all the talking we had done of my late wife she subconsciously thought of her as someone she'd want to meet and be friends with, but seeing the grave reminded and cemented the fact that this amazing woman is gone. It was a bit of shaking for me too seeing her tearing up, since she's the most stoic woman I've ever met, but also made me think how this woman is a rare gem.

I don't doubt that in different circumstances, my late wife and Ada would have been great friends. And I'm a very lucky guy for finding not one, but two amazing woman which gave and still give my life meaning every day.

TL;DR I brought my girlfriend to my late wife's grave, and things went well.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: You are blessed to meet someone like Ada who is kind and understanding. Show your appreciation for her with your love and make her happy for the rest of your life. All the best.

OOP: Naturally, my friend. Making her happy and smile every day is my top priority.  She gave me another chance at life.

One last Comment from OOP:

I wish to thank all you guys for the beautiful comments, the well wishes and love you have poured on me, Ada and my late wife.

Despite the tragedy and pain I endure, I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have found another chance at life and not two wonderful, beautiful, intelligent and amazing women that give meaning to it.

I just want to say that whenever you are suffering, even if life seems to be a dark void, there is always a light and there is always another way forward.

*****New Update : May 15, 2024 (3 months later)*****

Hello, I hope everyone here is well.

For a couple of months I had forgotten about this account, but I gave it a look the other day and read again all the beautiful comments and some very touching private messages. Again, thank you all for your interest and kindness.

Ada and I are doing well and we have found a place to move in together. If all goes well we'll be living together by July. Last month was the fourth anniversary of my late wife's passing. Ada was with me and held my hand.

I was a bit depressed like I am always am on our anniversaries, but Ada made it better. Sometimes I dream about my late wife, her coming back home, but either she never talks or I never remember what she says. However, when I dreamed her that night, in the dream there was Ada as well and they met each other. She was very happy about us and told me she's happy Ada is there for me when she can't.

I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on. I'll always love, honor and cherish my late wife, but now there is Ada who is giving me so much and deserves to be happy, to be loved and honored the way she deserves. And I don't intend to disappoint her.

As an aside, Ada also said that who knows, it could also be the spirit of my late wife visiting me in the only place she can, my dreams. She says we can see like that if we take the spiritual approach. Honestly I wouldn't know, death is one of those mysteries only those who passed have discovered, and they can't tell us.

We are doing well. We have also managed to program our first true vacation together and I was proud to formally introduce Ada as my partner when my company's CEO invited me to dinner with her husband.

It's an exciting new journey and we are thrilled to see where it will lead us. We are a team and we have a game plan.

TL;dr Things are good.

I feel like it’s so frowned upon. If you adopted an animal, and after giving the animal months to adjust, they still don’t like you or the environment - it should be ok to re-home to a better environment.

Why put both yourself and the animal through unnecessary stress?

I (25M) have been raising my niece since she was 1 year old. Her parents, my sister and her boyfriend, went to jail for drug abuse, and I stepped in to take care of her. Over the years, I've grown incredibly close to her, and she sees me as her dad.

Recently, my sister was released from prison and expressed a desire to regain custody of my niece. My parents are supporting her, arguing that my niece belongs with her biological mother. They acknowledge the mistakes my sister made but believe she deserves a second chance to be a mother.

However, I have serious concerns about my sister's ability to provide a stable environment for my niece. She has only been out of prison for a short time, and while she claims to be clean and ready to be a parent again, I’m worried about the potential for relapse and the impact on my niece.

My parents have been relentless in their pressure, constantly calling, texting, and showing up at my place to argue their point. They accuse me of being selfish and holding onto my niece out of spite. The stress and conflict became unbearable, and I felt like they were not considering my niece's best interests, just my sister’s wishes.

In response, I decided to block my parents’ numbers and social media accounts to create some space and peace for myself and my niece. Since then, they’ve been reaching out through mutual friends, accusing me of cutting them off and keeping my niece from her family. They’re making me feel guilty for wanting to maintain the stable, loving environment my niece has known for the past six years.

AITA for blocking my parents and refusing to give up custody of my niece?