AITA for telling my husband his “fragile masculinity” is costing us money? Husband responds

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Practical-Drama-5549 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Medium

Original - 14th May 2024

Husband Perspective - 14th May 2024

Update - 20th May 2024

AITA for telling my husband his “fragile masculinity” is costing us money?

Back in late 2021, my husband Craig (M46) and I (F44) welcomed our fourth child into the world. As a result, we needed to upgrade one of our cars to something larger. We decided to trade in my super reliable Toyota RAV4 for something bigger since I was the one who drove the kids around most often.

I was open and ready to embrace minivan life and was planning to buy something reliable and safe, like a Honda or Kia. But Craig had his heart set on an SUV; in his mind, minivans were "too feminine." So, against my better judgment, we ended up purchasing a used 2018 Mercedes GLS 450, mainly due to his insistence. He argued that this car would offer similar space to the Kia/Honda minivans I wanted but with added luxury. Since it was priced like a loaded Honda van, we went ahead with it.

After two years, I can safely say we made the wrong choice. While the car does have good passenger space, it doesn’t seem to have as much cargo room as those minivans. The reliability has been junk. The car has had 8 recalls during our ownership. Even when not recalled, it spends too much time at the dealership because something always seems to be broken. Some repairs have been covered under warranty, but we've still shelled out over $9k (maintenance not included). The car hasn’t even racked up that many miles.

Below are just some of the annoyances:

The shifting can be rough. Sometimes, I press on the gas and the car barely moves, and when it does, it's jerky.

The shifting can be rough. Sometimes, I press on the gas and the car barely moves, and when it does, it's jerky.

For the past few weeks, the check engine light has been turning on randomly.

Numerous electronic issues.

Since the car's problems have stepped up in the past few weeks, I'm beyond fed up. I don't feel safe driving it around with my kids and I've even started getting nightmares about it stranding us in the middle of nowhere. Craig always downplays this and claims that it's normal for the car to have some issues.

Making things worse somehow, Craig's sedan has started developing issues lately. It has begun to refuse to start some mornings and will sometimes shut itself off when it comes to a stop sign or red light.

On Saturday, I was supposed to drive our eldest to his soccer game and then take my younger kids to the doctor's office. When I turned on the Mercedes, it sounded very rough, the engine light was on, and the temperature reading was extremely wrong. I don't bother risking it and end up ubering with the kids.

I told Craig about it that night. He listened at first, but when I suggested selling it, he cut me off and said that he wasn’t getting a van just because I wanted that. It was so combative and defensive the way he said it, and because I was so tired from the day, I lashed out. We argued it got heated and I ended up saying "Your fragile masculinity is costing our family so much money". In retrospect, maybe my tone was harsh, but he was being needlessly difficult. We haven’t really spoken much since then. I'll also be ubering to work this week since I won't be touching that car.

AITA?

Edit - For those wondering about the car's condition, I've included the picture I took of it on Saturday when I started it up. The engine light is on and it was saying the temperature was -12°F when it was really something like 60°F

Context - For those wondering, this isn't the first instance of his masculinity being threatened by something minor. He also refuses lip balm and purple dress shirts among other things.

Comments

shestammie

I don’t get it. You’re the primary user of the proposed car and he has his own. Even if you give in and call the car “womanly” what’s his insistence that his wife - presumably a woman - doesn’t drive it?

OOP: We we go on road-trips he usually drives, also he'll sometimes use it to take the kids to school and their other activities and he doesn't want anyone confusing him with a "soccer-mom". It sounds so childish when I write it out and read it back to myself

GoodGirl99999

So he’s worried someone will look at him and think he has a girlie car? Damn. He’s a tool

hungrytravler

I donno......a dad in a minivan with his wife and kids is clearly a virgin!!!

yavanna12

My first date with my now husband I asked him what vehicle he drove. He looked embarrassed and pointed out the window to a van. I excitedly asked if it was a Pontiac Montana as I had fond memories of my old Montana. It was. He took me to see it and on the dash was a stack of coupons. I knew in that moment this man was the one I was going to marry. The van and coupons were a major turn on

loftychicago

I had an ex who made fun of me for using coupons... until he saw how much I saved on one shipping trip. Then he was all, "Dang, now I know why you're rich." Well, richer than him.

Husband's Perspective - same day (heavily downvoted)

Before I begin this post; I'll add the disclaimer that this post is written from the perspective of the husband from the first post (SEE HERE)

My wife showed me the post she made this morning so that I could see how people were reacting to her perspective. I was honestly quite surprised by the comments, so I asked her if I could make a follow-up post to clarify my position.

Firstly, I want to emphasize that I did NOT buy a lemon, as some people seem to think. We had the car inspected by a mechanic before purchasing it, and the Carfax report we obtained was clean.

I understood that my wife (let's call her Ava) would be the primary driver, but I wanted a car with some ground clearance and AWD since we sometimes drive along dirt roads when we go on vacation (and renting a car for these instances didn't seem practical). In my mind, this requirement ruled out the Honda or Kia minivans. Additionally, I feel that a minivan is unnecessary for us as we only have four children. I'll admit that I have a personal bias against minivans because they are exclusively mom cars. The Mercedes on the other hand, has been expensive to repair and does experience frequent problems, but when it is fully operational, it is an excellent family cruiser. I understand that it's unreliable, but I think the idea of it stranding my family in the middle of nowhere is a stretch.

Now onto the day of the argument.

I was at work on Saturday, so I was unable to take the kids to their activities and appointments. When Ava sent me a picture of the gauge cluster of the Mercedes, I did offer to come back home and drop off my car for her to use, but she declined for two reasons. Firstly, she didn't think it would have enough space (it is a 2017 Chevy Impala, so it has a lot of space), and secondly, she was wary due to a minor stalling issue. At that point, we agreed that using an uber was the best solution.

Saturday night, I arrived home exhausted from work at the hospital. All I wanted to do was eat dinner and catch up on the Spurs match. The argument happened around this point. I did try to be supportive; however, I still hold reservations about owning a minivan, and I felt that her comment about masculinity was both unhelpful and unnecessary.

Call it poetic justice if you will, but this morning when I was getting ready to take the kids to school and daycare, my Impala wouldn't start at all. Now we have two broken cars, and the entire family is relying on uber. It can't be the battery or alternator since both were replaced within the last year, so I haven't got a clue what it is.

I've accepted my wife's point of view, and we'll be looking at new car options later this week. She is very pleased about this and has mentioned that she considers this acceptance as an alternative to an apology from me. However, now she wants us to replace both cars.

As for the lip balm and the 'purple shirt,' my opinion is that most lip balms look too much like lipstick, and I don't find them hygienic since you essentially rub your old germs back on every time you use them. The shirt in question was more pink than purple and more than that, it was far too tight for my liking.

I hope this clarifies things and provides a better understanding of our situation.

Edit - For those wondering, my wife isn't paying for repairs on her own. We take the repair bills out of our joint account.

Comments (none were supportive)

WeEatATrain

Get over your feelings. Get safe vehicles, be a good parent and partner, and take care of your kids and wife.

CanYouBeHonest

He only has 4 kids so a minivan isn't needed! That might be the dumbest backwards argument I've ever seen.

Also, it's a mom car. I get why he feels that way. This dude is just an insecure loser that thinks his car says something about him that he can't project on his own. I wish women would quit having sex with guys like this. You're ruining the world.

Update - 6 days later

Craig and I were able to put the issue regarding the Mercedes behind us, and for the past week, we've been working towards finding a replacement. He was still leaning towards an SUV, and while I considered his opinion, it was ultimately my decision to make.

After shopping around for a few days, we purchased this lovely black minivan on Friday. In the short time we've owned it, I can confidently say it surpasses our Mercedes in essentially every way. The comfort is superior, the technology is better, but most importantly, it accommodates the whole family and all our belongings with space to spare. Beyond that, I feel safe transporting my children or just running errands.

Craig has also admitted that the minivan was a better choice. He has read many of the responses from previous posts and acknowledged that wanting an SUV, despite the current size of our family, was a bit impractical. He's even opened up to potentially using lip balm; however, the purple shirt I liked is still a no since he thinks it's too snug-fitting and more pink than purple. He has been in a good mood since Arsenal lost or something, which I guess partially explains his newfound agreeableness.

Currently, we only have the one working van. We will be taking the Mercedes into the garage at some point in the future and then hopefully selling it shortly after. We plan to take the Mercedes to the garage in the near future and hopefully sell it soon after. Additionally, Craig's personal car will also need some repairs.

Comments

MechaMogzilla

Imagine only being open to change because one group of people kicked a ball better than another instead of you know to be a better person.

TaterMA

Some times the balls get in the way

AerieApprehensive181

Just for the Arsenal comment he is an asshole.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

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