Relationships
I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in
Ongoing as per OOP
1 update - Short
- 20th May 2024
- 23rd May 2024
Wife won’t let me see my dying ex.
I went no contact with my ex after we got married. I was recently contacted by my ex’s sister because she(ex) has cancer that’s terminal. She’s in hospice. Her sister explained to me that one of my ex’s wishes was to talk to me face to face for something important. They both insisted that it had to be done in person. She wouldn’t explain what it was because she said she didn’t even know.
I told my wife about this, and she told me absolutely not; I cannot visit her. I understand her feelings about this, but this person is quite literally dying. We have to come to a decision, and I don’t know what’s the best thing to do. I’m asking here, and I want to know how other people feel about it.
Comments
MrsJonesy2012
I'm firmly on wife's side. Like what good could come from seeing her? She tells you she still loves you or some secret reason why you broke up etc-would good does that actually do?
You've been no contact for awhile, so I see no reason why she'd need to talk to you. Other than her selfish wish to see you one last time and yes dying people can still be selfish and manipulative.
You go and visit her, and in a few weeks she wants another visit then what? You keep going and seeing her whilst disrespecting your wife.
Is it worth potentially ruining your marriage to see someone from your past?
ahnotme
We don’t have sufficient information to give sensible advice. What sort of person is/was your ex? Why did you separate? How did you split up? Amicably? Why did you go no contact? Even though your ex-Sister-in-Law doesn’t know what it’s about, you could still ask her for information about your ex. How has she been since your divorce? What sort of person is she now? What is her mood?
Then, about your wife: what is her reason for saying no to you going to see your ex? Is it jealousy/insecurity? Or does she have grounds to fear that the visit will affect you negatively?
You needn’t answer these questions here. Just have a think about them. Perhaps you’ll think of others.
PS I am divorced, we didn’t split amicably and we went no contact, my reason being that I wanted to retain my sanity. But if my ex were dying and expressed a wish to see me one last time, I’d go.
Update - 3 days later
We had the talk again, and we couldn’t come to a mutual agreement. I talked to my ex and she’s still insisting that we talk in person. My wife and I just couldn’t come to an agreement about this. I told her (because she asked me) that I would be ok with her doing this with an ex if she was put in this position.
In any case, I’ll be visiting my ex next week. While I’m disappointed that my wife and I couldn’t come to an agreement about this, I also will be doing what I think is right.
Comments
Many-Bite3535
See you in
NotARavenousBear
Idk. She could apologize for her actions or just want to say goodbye.
The lack of basic human sympathy and dignity in this thread is probably why so many here are unhappy.
Let’s just say the sub is right, and confesses some faded emotions. If OPs marriage can be ruined by a conversation, then is it really a marriage?
This sub, and your wife, are refusing to see your humanity. They’ve reduced you (and your ex) down to a bunch of horn-dogs, who can’t have an adult conversation.
It’s really sad that the top comments are accusing a dying woman of having some secret plan.
When the most logical reason is she just wants to get, or offer some form of closure.
OP your wife is treating you as less than, based of of fear. Choices made out of fear only ruin marriages, in my opinion.
Marriage is a UNION not a dictatorship.
OOP: Words of wisdom, and I agree completely.
AngelFire_3_14156
I don't understand why it's so important for you to travel to see your ex. I'm sorry she's dying but she's an ex and you have no obligation to her whatsoever
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
I am NOT OOP. Original post by in and his profile
Trigger Warnings
BORU note: I have included relevant comments from the original thread, these are not essential to understand the situation and can be skipped. However, I recommend that you read everything as it provides wider context.
Start of post 1
- 24 May 2024
Edit: I am a guy
Hi people,
My entire family are vegans, my dad especially is a very “vocal” vegan. He goes to vegan protests, was in vegan groups in our old city, he’s a vegan activist. Which I love, I’m not trying to paint those things as bad I really respect him for his thoughts.
My brother and I have both been raised vegan our entire lives. At school it’s always made me feel “othered” is the best way to explain it. Never able to eat anything sold in the school canteen, at friend’s birthdays never able to eat a piece of cake with my friends, or have to be the one who says “we can’t go to that restaurant they don’t serve any vegan food”. Always having to explain why I’m not allowed to “try a bite” of their sandwich. They aren’t huge things but they are things that make me stick out. Since I’m an awkward guy anyway, it just doesn’t help me socially. So when we moved cities and I joined a new school last Monday I decided that I’m not going to follow the vegan diet while I’m at school. I kept this to myself because I know my parents wouldn’t support it and would be angry.
When at home, or with my parents I will follow the vegan diet but if I’m out with my friends or at school I’m not going to say, in my mind this was respectful of my parents wishes. No meat in the house or around them but my myself is different. My brother and I both go to this new school. Since we don’t share a dinner time I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t going to follow the vegan diet, I didn’t think he would support it and I thought he would tell dad.
Things have been going alright but I didn’t know that on Fridays my brother’s dinner time would be at the same time as mine. I was sitting with some new friend and I was eating a cheese pizza (this is the only non-vegan food I’ve eaten so far. I want to try pepperoni but still feel a little scared) and my brother caught me and asked what I was doing eating pizza.
I tried to play it off but I knew I was screwed, my brother told my parents and now everyone is really upset at me. I’ve been grounded and my dad said he’s going to call my new school and tell them that if they sell me non-vegan food he will put in a discrimination complaint. Which is just going to make me seem like a weirdo now.
I tried to explain to him that I was trying to be respectful by not doing it here, but my parents just gave me a huge lecture about how I’m so selfish for breaking the diet. He said he can’t trust me anymore and now I feel guilty in one half of my brain and in another I’m telling myself it isn’t that big of a deal and they’re overreacting.
But I don’t know if I’m just being blind.
Please, no debates about the ethics of the vegan diet. I don’t care to debate it with anyone I’m sure there are subreddits where people will be happy to. Please focus on my situation when giving your verdict.
END OF POST 1
OP was given the NTA verdict.
Some relevant comments:
Comment thread 1
Commenter 1:
NTA. it’s really unfortunate your brother ratted you out
Commenter 2
On the plus side, it means the OP has a valid explanation next time someone asks if he wants to try something- "Sorry, I can't my brother's a snitch - yeah he snitched on me eating pizza lmao, he's a fucking weirdo right?"
....at least that's what I would like to pretend I would do in this situation.
OOP:
My brother is only 11, while I’m mad at him I don’t want to make his school life hard. I’ll probably just keep it to myself and I’ll remember we have the same dinner time on Fridays.
If I’m even brave enough to eat non-vegan again.
Comment thread 2
Commenter
NTA but you are not in a great position to rebel against your family's choices. The emphasis on a vegan lifestyle is similar to a religious lifestyle and it seems that your father views it that way if he is ranting about discrimination cases.
You are "apostate" and that is going to cause you trouble at home. But you are not wrong to be. Becoming an adult is a time when people challenge beliefs they've been brought up and see if they want to continue them into adult life. And you don't want to be vegan. You are being respectful - you are respecting their beliefs at home. I suppose there is an argument you should be respectful when spending money your father gives you at school if he feels very morally. But that falls down if you have employment and are spending own money.
You are going to have to assume that you are under scrutiny though by your brother and for interests of a good home life, I'd suggest sticking to the vegan diet at school. It is hard to recommend that you sneak around your parents but you are the only one that can decide if the downsides of being "othered" are sufficiently bad to offset that.
Give it three years and you will have freedom to fully make own choices. Pepperoni pizza is good but it can be quite spicey. Also watch out for an upset stomach as it may take you time to acclimatize to meat.
OOP:
I have free school meals, so my dad isn't paying for food at school.
I get what you mean, thank you for your advice
Comment thread 3
Commenter
NTA. Not sure how old you are but you should not at all feel guilty about how strictly or if you even want to be a vegan. I bet your dad ate pepperoni pizza before he game a vegan
OOP
I’m 15, and honestly I doubt it. My grandparents raised my dad vegetarian before they became vegan and he’s super hardcore with it. I can’t imagine he’s ever eaten meat.
my mom probably has, she turned vegan when she met my dad.
Comment thread 4
Commenter 1:
The part about your dad making a discrimination complaint to the school if they sell you animal products is hilarious to me. Since he’s in activist circles, I’d think he would know that’s not discrimination. Your NTA.
OOP:
I don't know, I think what he's truly saying is he will embarrass me in front of everyone. He's made big fusses about me being vegan before at school and he knows I don't like when he does it. He probably thinks that I'll just agree so he doesn't come in and do his whole act to embarrass me.
Another comment by OP that is relevant
What he's done before is go into the school reception and cause a huge fuss, screaming shouting. He's done this during break time when he knows everyone will be able to see him. That was about there not being enough vegan foods provided by the school canteen. He knows it embarrasses me and I think sometimes he uses it as a weapon against me that he will act like that in public.
It sucks, but I feel less guilty after talking to you people. So thank you.
Commenter 2:
He won't embarrass you, he will embarrass himself. Parents are embarrassing, it's a fact of life. You are old enough to make your own food choices, and you are NTA here at all.
OOP:
The thing is it will embarrass me and I’ll be an outcast again like at my old school
Start of Post 2
- 28 May 2024
Hi people,
I just wanted to get on here and give a brief update to my AITA post. I wanted to say a huge thank you to all the people who messaged me and replied to the post with kind words and encouragement that I didn't actually do anything wrong and I wasn't being blind to the situation.
It's half term where I live at the moment so we're not at school this week, I am hoping that this all blows over by the time of next Monday because I am really worried that my dad is going to embarrass me at my new school by causing a scene. I was going to send an email out to my form tutor describing the situation to them, but I am worried that they will think I'm being stupid.
My parents aren't talking to me at the moment, like fully ignoring my existence when I go and sit with them so I'm just sitting in my room. My dad took all my electronics off me but he doesn't know I have this old android phone and Chromebook from like 8 years ago in my closet drawers.
I haven't been able to speak to my friends since he took my phone, I really hope my dad isn't messaging them about me because last time I was grounded he messaged all my friends off my phone telling them how awful I was. My parents haven't been making me any meals when they cook for everyone but I'm also not meant to use the oven so I've just been eating beans and mycoprotein that I've cooked in the microwave.
Even though you all voted me as NTA, I really regret what I did. My dad made me watch this film called Dominion and it's made me feel really guilty. I just wish I had never done it because it wasn't worth all this. I'm going to be staying vegan because I really don't want to disappoint my family again like this and I feel really bad.
This is probably going to be the last time I go on this account, but again thank you all.