I '60F'raised my daughter '42F' as a single Mom. So, that means we have known each other for 42 years. When she was little I worked in a diner during the day, and I catered on weekends to make ends meet. I did have help from my parents thank god, or I don't know what I would have done. My uber intelligent daughter graduated high school with high marks and got accepted to our state's most elite university. I was able to work enough extra shifts to supplement her needs (books, groceries, movies, gas, etc.), but she did take loans and grants. She graduated college, has gone on to become an extremely popular third grade teacher and also married the district's school psychologist. She has also given birth to my two most precious grandchildren who I would literally die for. We have always been close. She was a model child, we rarely disagreed and my mother, she, and I were like three peas to a pod.
Fast forward to more recent events. After she finished her education, I decided to return to school and earn my bachelors and masters degree. I had left the catering business when my mother became chronically ill and spent the next eight years caring solely for her. My income was from her and school grants. A year ago my mother passed away. Since that time I have struggled to find work and I am still in school full-time, but now I have half the income and double the expenses because Mom and I split those. In short, I have really struggled to stay in my current place.
A couple of months ago, after receiving 3 job rejection emails in one day, I called my daughter to commiserate and when I was done, I said "I'm just not sure what I should do at this point". To which she said, "I don't know, but there is no place for you with me, so you need to figure it out." I was instantly shocked because I'm not sure that I meant for her to take me in, but okay let's explore what you mean by that, because surely push come to shove, she wouldn't let me be homeless. But, she reiterated, "you cannot come to my home regardless of your circumstances Mom, you need to figure it out."'
I hung up the phone on her because I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I don't think that I was contemplating moving in with her, but the fact that she didn't care that I would live on the street was suffocating me. I would NEVER let a relative live on the street, not alone my mother. After calming down, I called her and said, I think we need to talk this out because my feelings are so hurt that I'm afraid it is going to really hurt our relationship. She said, "I've noticed that things are getting more challenging for you and I have been up front in warning you that I was not taking you in." Well, I must have missed that memo. In hindsight, she did ask me things like, "what are you going to do if things don't turn around?" and she did say while chuckling once, "if worse comes to worse, you aren't coming with me". I thought she was joking because it wasn't even what we were talking about at the time.
Upon hearing that she would see me in the streets, I started to make back-up plans knowing that she wasn't going to be a source of any temporary support for me. I contacted my sister, brother, and aunt who all were shocked because that is not how our family has ever operated. Of course all three said, come here. Of course all three have drawbacks like the distance it will put between me and my beloved grandchildren. Well, my sister who was livid and also close to my daughter, called my daughter (unbeknownst to me) out on her behavior. She asked her how on earth she could let her Mom be homeless, if it actually came to that. My daughter said, she won't be homeless, she has you guys. My sister said, yes, but then she won't be near the grandbabies. My daughter said, "well, sometimes sacrifices have to be made."
*side note: I am the ONLY grandparent in their lives as they (her psychologist husband and her), alienated his parents ten years ago and haven't spoken to ANY of his family since. The grandbabies do not know-nor have ever met a single person from his side.
Anyway, since the phone call with my sister, my daughter refuses to talk to me. I honestly have not made efforts to reach out to her much because when I do, she doesn't answer or has her husband answer my inquiries. I have been able to continue a relationship with the grands, but I have to go through the son-in-law to arrange it. My grandson is so attached to me because I was his primary care giver until kindergarten while his parents worked. I was already caring for Mom so it was no problem to care for him too. They did start giving me $300.00 a month starting the second or third year of watching him, which I appreciated. The point being, it will destroy him as much as me if I have to move to another state.
So, I have managed to stay in this apartment that I can't afford with school money, maxing out credit cards, refinancing my car, some gig work, and selling items on eBay. I am frantically putting out resumes etc. to try and stay close to the grandbabies. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I received a generic "happy mother's day" message in a group text and that was it. Not a boo the rest of the day. In our family Mother's Day, is huge. Brunch, flowers, cards, acknowledgment. I didn't even know the group text included me because the first name was not mine so I thought it was sent by someone on accident. I later texted her and said something to the effect of "although things are strange right now, I did want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day today and thank you for bringing my two precious grandbabies into the world". To which she replied, "i included you in a group text at 9 a.m. this morning, I'm sorry if you did not see it." Direct quote. I responded, "how personal, thank you. kiss the babies. hope you are all having a great day. enjoy the sunshine. Her response: nothing.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I am heartbroken. I want to return to the close relationship we had before, but I am also so disappointed in what has transpired. She knows that I am struggling financially, grieving my mother, scared, and basically alone. I get that none of that is her doing. I guess I just expected more compassion and grace from her. In any case, I am at a loss of how to fix this. I want reconciliation, but I also do not want to grovel for scraps of her attention. Looking for advice on whether or not I should keep trying or move on. Thank you.
