I am not OP. That is who posted in

April 21st, 2024

My girlfriend (F24) and I (M25) broke up about two weeks ago. It was more her call than mine, but we both knew things weren’t going well for a while. So, I was sad but not surprised. We ended things amicably and said we’d still be friends, whatever that means.

Anyway, we did the exchange of things in each other’s apartment a couple days after the break up and then didn’t talk again until two days ago when she texted me. We had been planning to go on a trip to the Canary Islands this year. The plane tickets were about $800 a piece and the AirBnb was like $1600, so we decided I’d just pay for the AirBnb and she’d pay for the flights.

The flights were non-refundable and we’re already past the date that I’d get any meaningful refund from the AirBnb, so I decided I’d just get a friend to split the AirBnb and go anyway.

I had been planning on telling my ex that I’d pay her for my ticket so she didn’t lose the money, but she texted me about it first. On Friday, she offered to pay me for the AirBnb minus the cost of my plane ticket, because she was still interested in going with a friend. I told her that I was actually planning on going with a friend, and I was going to pay her for my ticket and still go.

She said OK, but I actually needed to pay her for my ticket and half of the cost of hers because she can’t use it now. Basically, she says that she agreed to buy two plane tickets under the understanding that we would both go to on the trip. And I agreed to pay for an AirBnb under the same understanding. But since that’s not happening, we should evenly share the lost costs. Since I’m still using the room and my ticket, the only lost cost is her $800 ticket. And we should each bear $400 from that.

I told her that I didn’t think that’s fair at all. First of all, it was her idea to break up. So the reason we aren’t going is on her. Second, there’s no reason why she can’t use her ticket. She should just get an airbnb and still go with her friend. I even said I’d sit in her friend’s seat and let her friend in my seat so they can sit together. Whether or not she uses her ticket is on her, and she bears any cost of that.

She said she didn’t want to go at the same time as me and also the good AirBnbs are taken for that time. Anyway, we went back and forth and she even threatened to cancel the tickets even though she can’t get any money back. So I said, “You know what, go ahead cancel them, get whatever refund you can. I’ll just buy my own ticket and not pay you back anything.” She said, “I’m not gonna talk to you if you’re being a dick. Let’s talk about this later when you can be mature.”

That’s where it is right now. My friends are divided. Most say I should at least pay her for my ticket. Which I’m willing to do if she doesn’t cancel it! But some say I should pay for half of hers as well. I’m sticking firm that I won’t pay for half of her ticket, AITA?

Verdict was NTA

April 30th, 2024

Hey, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. I got so much more advice than I was expecting, and I appreciate it. A lot of you were saying the airline could do something. I told that to my ex, and she actually bought the tickets from a discount agency online and there was no refund possibility. If you’re curious, I can tell you how it all ended.

I eventually told my ex that I was not going to pay her more than the $800 for my ticket under any circumstances, and she could take it or leave it and I’d just get my own ticket. She later asked if I’d be willing to let her use the AirBnb if she paid me the entire $1600, basically letting me out of the whole trip all together. To be honest, the Canary Islands were her idea in the first place. It’s not like it’s my #1 destination. I could take the money and go somewhere that I am more interested in.

I asked my friend who was going to go with me if he’d be interested in something cheaper and closer. He hadn’t bought his plane ticket yet because he was waiting for me to sort everything out with my ex.

We looked at options and decided to accept her offer and go to Belize. I had my ex agree in writing to pay for any fees or damages incurred at the AirBnb. I really don’t think there will be any. She’s not the type of person to damage a hotel room or something, but I just want to be sure.

I got Venmoed the money by a male coworker of hers. They have been work friends for a while now, and I have met him a couple of times. I don’t know if this is like a couple’s thing or what. I don’t really think she cheated on me with him. I could see maybe her being interested in him possibly being a factor for our breakup. But I don’t even know if they are together or going as friends.

At the end of the day, I don’t really care what she does. I got my money back, she gets her vacation. I’m guessing her coworker also bought his own plane ticket, so at the end of the day he’s the one eating the $800 loss. So he can have fun with that. My ex and I are technically “amicable” again, but I don’t really plan on talking to her again. Thanks again for the advice.

I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts

I am NOT OOP. Original post by in and

Long post, I have provided comments from original threads, these provide extra information however are not vital for understanding the post and can be skipped. Though, I recommend reading them as they provide more context. Your choice though.

- 22 April 2024

Hey people.

This is a long story, but I’m going to try and condense it as much as possible. Basically about 9 weeks ago my maternal cousin and I both completed an Ancestral/DNA test through one of the popular brands.

My parents are very against these DNA tests (I thought) because they don’t like the idea of giving your DNA to these companies and so have forbidden me from doing them in the past when I brought up the idea. Though, I now know the real reason they were against me doing it.

My cousin (James) got his results first and matched with loads of people saying my mother’s maiden name, as well as other names known within my mother’s family line.

I got my results about a week later and not only did I not match with my cousin, I didn’t match with any of my cousins matches nor did anyone share my mothers maiden name. My dad (and I) have an extremely common surname in my country -think “smith”- and I did match with a few people who shared that name but none were close matches, 3rd-4th cousins being the closest. So I’m just assuming it was because it’s a common surname.

James’ family know he’s done the DNA test and he’s shared the results however I have asked him to keep what he knows about mine between us for a while.

I learnt this about 2 weeks ago and have since come to the conclusion that I am adopted. At first this made me feel really upset, and I thought maybe the DNA tests were faulty but after researching, no I don’t think they are. I think I am just adopted. I have two younger brothers who are 11 and 9 who aren’t adopted because I remember my mom being pregnant with them. So I can’t understand why I was adopted.

I want to know tell my parents know about being adopted, I want to in some ways confront them and ask why they’ve lied to me for so long. But I also want to say I still consider them my only family. James thinks it’s a really bad idea, he says I should just keep it to myself because if I tell my parents I know I’m adopted it could have negative consequences on my relationship with my parents and also could get him into trouble with his parents because he bought me the DNA test and he is very close to my parents.

I’ve said I’ll just tell them I bought the test myself but he says they’ll know because he got his test so recently.

WIBTA if I ignored my cousin and confronted my parents about me being adopted anyway?

END OF POST 1

No verdict flare, not sure why, but most comments seem to be NTA.

Some relevant comments:

Comment thread 1

Commenter:

I can't imagine what you must be going through, realising that you may well be adopted, through a DNA test.

OOP:

I’m 18, but I still live with my parents part time and I live at Uni halls the other time.

Comment Thread 2

Commenter 1:

Have the DNA test done with a different company to double-check results so that your parents can't claim that the first one is in error.

OOP

Yeah, honestly this is a good idea

Commenter 2:

It might be better to tell them about the existing results before you know what the real story is. Right now you're in a gray area, where you have some possibly mixed up information and you're genuinely just asking questions rather than confronting anyone. This gives them a chance to (very belatedly) do the right thing ... or not, which would also be illuminating in a way. You can always seek confirmation and drama later if necessary or desired.

Comment Thread 3:

Commenter

You matched with distant cousins, perhaps a family member fell pregnant at a young age and your parents stepped up as a young couple who were ready to have children?

OOP:

The thing is I don't 100% know they're related to my dad because of how common our last name is. It's likely (imo) that it's just some other people I've matched with that share our name.

Update

  - 4 May 2024

TL;DR at the bottom.

This is a long story, I’m going to try and condense it. I’ve spoken about it before on a different post on my profile if you want more details.

In the past I’ve spoken about wanting to do one of those Ancestry and DNA at home tests, but my parents (or who I thought were my parents) were always against them. They told me because they don’t trust those companies with your DNA, but I obviously know the real reason now.

A while ago my cousin and I decided to buy a test each and I completed mine in secret. I was shocked when not only did I not match with him when we got the results, I didn’t match with anyone who shared a surname with any of my family (except for some matches that shared my dad’s surname, but this is an extremely common surname in my country. Think “Smith” for the USA).

I thought perhaps the test was faulty or wrong, but after some researching I had my doubts that the test was faulty. But just in case I decided to do a second test, with a different company, just in case the first one was somehow wrong. This time I bought three tests, one I gave to my paternal uncle (he’s actually only a few years older than me despite being my uncle) and one I gave to my maternal cousin, and the last one I did myself.

We sent them all off and we got our results surprisingly quickly, about 10 days after we sent them off (yesterday night). But these tests confirmed my suspicions, I’m not related to my family.

And even more, I matched with a woman “49.8% DNA match, predicted parent/child”. Looked on her profile and she was born in 1991 meaning she would have been 15/16ish when I was born. She hasn’t been active on the app for over 6 months.

I’ve written out messages to her to send and then deleted them, I’ve contemplated just saying “hello” but haven’t had the courage to actually send it off. I also could just turn off matches and make my profile invisible, that way she wouldn’t see me if she logged back in again. I could pretend she doesn’t exist and that I never found this out. I have another mom out there that I know nothing about, it makes me feel so anxiously curious.

My parents never told me I was adopted, I feel utterly betrayed by them. I’ve resisted the urge to confront them about it since I got the results back from the first test, but now I know for certain I just want to smash my fists into a wall. I want to scream at them. I hate that they’ve kept this from me for my entire life.

Now the only people who know I know is my uncle and my cousin. I trust that they won’t say anything to anyone until I’ve spoken to people about it.

I feel so lost and confused. Should I message my biological mom? Or pretend she doesn’t exist and turn my profile invisible from her?

TL;DR:

Discovered I'm adopted via DNA kit. Matched with biological mom, unsure whether to message or ignore. Feeling betrayed by adoptive parents. Uncertain about confronting them. Feeling lost and conflicted.

END OF POST 2

Some relevant comments

Comment Thread 1

Commenter:

I'm wondering if there is a possibility she did the DNA test as a vague hope that maybe one day you would use it as a tool to find her and reach out to her. Whether or not she did, the ball is in your court and I think it should stay that way until you are ready to deal with it. Reach out when you are ready. There is no real reason to rush right now, you have time.

OOP:

Yeah, I’m guessing that she did it with hopes that I would also do one one day. I mean, that makes sense. Otherwise you wouldn’t have made your profile public.

Commenter:

There are probably other factors as well, but I would bet you being able to find her was one of them, if not the only one.

Comment Thread 2

Commenter:

I gave a child up for adoption at around same age your bio mum was. Your parents are your parents. They shouldn’t have kept this secret from you, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.

OOP:

My parents aren’t infertile because I have younger siblings and I remember my mom being pregnant with them.

Comment Thread 3

Commenter:

You've said that you can make your profile invisible to her temporarily? Then change that later? If so, I would do that.

OOP:

Yes, I’ve done this. I don’t want her to see my profile and thinks it’s an invitation to reach out. Or to get her hopes up that I’m actively searching for her so better she just doesn’t see it. Until I’ve decided what I want to do.

Update 2

  - 8 May 2024

Hey people,

A lot has happened to me since my last post here, and before I start to explain I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented/replied to my OP. It was really helpful and I truly appreciate it. For full context read the other posts on my profile which discuss this situation further.

First things first, I decided to turn my profile private/invisible. I didn't want my biological mom (BM) to see that I had done a DNA test as an invitation to message me. I looked at her profile one last time and it still said "last online 6 months ago" or something like that, so she obviously doesn't check the app regularly. I wrote down information about her (first and last name, birth year, 'past' family names) in case in the future I lose access to the account or if I want to try to track her down and her account disappeared. Though I am hoping that if I do decide to have contact with her in the future, I will just be able to message her on the app. But just in case.

I "confronted" my parents about what I had found out, there was a lot of crying. Especially from my mom, but also from me. I told them how hurt I was that they never told me, and how much it has caused pain and anxiety to find this out on my own and feeling like I was unable to ask them about it.

They apologised to me, they explained to me that they wanted to tell me. They planned on doing it when I turned 8, but they 'couldn't go through with it' because they 'didn't want to hurt me'. They said every year they planned to tell me and every year they put it off. They told me they did it out of love for me, but also out of anxiety that it would change our relationship for the worse.

I explained to them that even if them telling me that I was adopted did hurt me as a child I would have had them there to support me through it. And that now I had found out on my own and felt like I didn't have anyone there to understand what I was going through. They took responsibility for not telling me and for the hurt it caused when I was now.

We hugged, we cried and we forgave each other. Even though I don't agree with them not telling me, I can understand their feelings and why they found it so difficult when I was younger.

After we had finished talking about it they asked me what I wanted moving forward, if I wanted to tell my brothers that I was adopted or just carrying on like nothing happened. I said I no longer wanted it to be a secret and that I wanted them to tell my brothers what they should have told me. I didn't want it to seem like a 'dirty' secret, but simply a fact of who I am and where I came from. I want it to be something celebrated, not feared to be talked about. I wasn't born into this family, but this is my family. And I feel so blessed that I was given the opportunity to become part of this family.

I asked what they knew about my BM, they said not much. They know that she was in foster care when she fell pregnant with me, and that she would have only been 14/15 at the time. She decided she didn't want to keep me but didn't want to have a termination and so I was put up for adoption and that she requested 'no contact' with me. I hope that the situation around my birth wasn't traumatic for her. I know this is a weird thought, but I hope she just got pregnant with me from another person her own age and that I wasn't a product of any abuse. That makes me sad to think about.

Sorry for the long post. Again thank you all for the help and advice you all gave me. I appreciate everything.

TL;DR: Made profile private to avoid contact from biological mom. Confronted parents about adoption, led to tears and apologies. They planned to tell me but couldn't. Agreed to tell brothers, no longer want adoption to be a secret. Grateful for my family. Biological mom was in foster care, gave me up for adoption at 14/15, requested no contact. Hopeful for her well-being. Grateful for support and advice.

END OF POST 3

Reminder, I am NOT OOP, please do NOT comment on original threads or contact OOP.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Thanks to for finding this BORU

- 25th March 2024

- 14th May 2024

AITAH for telling my wife I don't give a damn how she drives when it's just her and her kids in the car but if me or our kids are in it she must be safe.

My wife had two kids before we got married and the have an actively involved father. We have had two children of our own.

My wife is a terrible driver but she refuses to acknowledge this. She has been in multiple accidents and even had her license suspended. Not for a DUI or anything. Just because she is a shitty driver. She will do stuff like reach into the back seat to deal with a kid rather than either pull over or let me or one of the older kids deal with it.

She got t-boned in August last year because she took her foot off the brake at a red light to pick up my son's soother that had fallen out. She didn't put the car in park. Thankfully only she was injured. All four kids were in the car.

I have had it. I told her that she is welcome to endanger herself and her kids. But that if I am in the car or if our children are in the car she will keep her eyes on the road and her hands on the steering wheel.

She is finally at the point in her rehab where she can drive again. I reminded her of what I said. I told her that I loved her. I said that her older kids were important to me and that I loved them too. But I told her that if she ever decided to do stupid shit while driving our relationship would be over and I would make it part of our divorce that she NOT be allowed to drive with my kids in the car.

She started crying and said she didn't do it on purpose. I asked her how exactly she took her hands off the wheel, took off her seatbelt, took her foot off the brake, and turned around to pick up the soother by accident. She said that I'm treating her like an idiot. I don't think I am. My children have to be safe.

Before you ask I try and do as much of the driving as I possibly can. I have stopped drinking when we go out. I traded in my car that I loved for an SUV so there is room for all of us. I offered to pay for Uber so she didn't have to drive if I wasn't available. She actually likes driving.

Her ex and her parents are on my side. He also told her that if she ever thinks about endangering his kids and he would either go for full custody or ask that she be barred from driving with his kids in the car. Her parents have threatened to stop helping her pay her stupid high insurance premiums.

She thinks we are being unfair because she loves her kids and would never intentionally harm them. She just loses concentration when one of the kids needs something and doesn't think to ask for help.

Comments

JaguarZealousideal55

She started crying and said she didn't do it on purpose. I asked her how exactly she took her hands off the wheel, took off her seatbelt, took her foot off the brake, and turned around to pick up the soother by accident. She said that I'm treating her like an idiot. I don't think I am. My children have to be safe.

Well... what did she expect? She is behaving like an idiot, to be honest. Her intention (doing it on purpose or not) is not relevant here. She shouldn't be driving at all since she is putting other people at risk. But clearly she shouldn't drive the children. That is the least you can demand.

LastBaron

There comes a point where “intentionality” as a concept sort of breaks down.

Maybe she is having the subjective experience of not feeling like she’s doing it on purpose, I don’t know. But she has been presented with such an overwhelming amount of evidence and testimony from her own family that her actions are endangering herself and her kids, that any reasonable person (and plenty of unreasonable ones) would have gotten the message.

If she doesn’t believe it that’s on her.

In a way it’s actually worse; if a person is so deeply delusional that THIS degree of evidence is available and she still doesn’t feel at fault, she’s just straight up dangerous and probably in way more scenarios than just this one. How far gone do you have to be to not see that your actions are causing this? What else in your life are you this delusional about?

JanetInSpain

You're treating her like an idiot because, now hear me out here... SHE'S AN IDIOT.

What mature, responsible adult pulls that shit while driving? If losing her license and being in multiple accidents wasn't enough to show her that she has a serious problem, I doubt your threat will either.

Every time she does one of those stupid actions, she is INTENTIONALLY harming her kids (or potentially harming). She could have fixed this long ago. She's just too lazy and in denial to do anything about it.

You and her ex should both put your foot down: no more driving unless she is the only person in the car. Period. No exceptions. Any breach of that agreement will be grounds for leaving. By giving her more chances you are continuing to endanger your kids.

NTA but don't let this slide.

**Judgement - NTA**

AITAH for initiating a divorce while my wife is in the hospital after a car accident. - 7 weeks later

My wife was involved in a single vehicle accident. She was seriously injured but thank goodness no one else was in the car with her.

I have spoke to her about her driving habits and I warned her. I went to see her in the hospital and then I went to a lawyer. I am also going for full custody with only supervised visitation for her.

I am sick to death of her driving habits and I will not wait for her to injure or kill one of our kids with her bullshit.

I feel bad for doing this while she is in the hospital and facing charges. But I can't take any more chances on her.

Comments

emjkr

NTA I remember your last post. Protect yourself and your kids.

OOP: I can't believe it happened this quickly. I'm just glad none of the kids were with her.

emjkr

I definitely understand that! Has she said anything about the new accident? Realised that she got a problem? If I remember right she was very upset about you stating that she should not drive with the kids in the car anymore.

OOP: She left some paperwork in the back seat. So she parked. Then she went to grab it. Unfortunately she left the car in gear and stepped on the gas and drove into a canal by the mall. I'm just done.

stufferkneee

So even after she caused the accident last time reaching for the soother, she STILL managed to do nearly the same maneuver (reaching into the back seat for something without ensuring the car was properly parked) and caused another accident. She's a lost cause, they need to permanently take away her license. She's a danger to herself and every single person on the road, pedestrian or driver.

NTA OP. Keep your kids safe. Let the ex husband know your plans & the situation as well, I'm sure he's going to want to push forward on his custody fight as well after this. If her parents are still on your side, make sure you keep their line open for the kids too.

efrendel

NTA. You told her what you needed from her to keep your marriage intact and give you peace of mind. The consequences of ignoring you is on her.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Me 25M grew up with parents 48F and 52M who had an open marriage it sort of messed me up and my parents wants to know why I had not spoken to them in almost four years.

Originally posted to

posted by **

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, child neglect, mentions of bullying

While this was posted before, it has never been posted with the final update

  July 31, 2021

I found out when I was around 12 that my parents liked to play around if you can call it that I did not get until I was around 14 what that really meant.

Anyways I kept my mouth shut and focused on myself and moved out when I was 18 and we have barely spoken since.

I ended up becoming very insecure I struggeled when it came to dating and girls and was alone for most of my teens, mom and dad was this perfect couple that was well liked by everyone.

All I can remember is how alone I felt during that time and was too afraid to speak to my parents about how I had it, they were always smiling and seemed to have the perfect marriage while they saw other people while I felt alone and miserable.

They used to go on weekend trips and was alone for many weekends and they rarely brought me along for vacations and I ended up being on my own when they did as well.

I struggle with depression and started seeing a therapist and are on antidepresseants right now, I just felt like I did not matter to my parents at all and see no real reason for why I should talk to them now.

I have not celebrated christmas with them or not been at home since I was 19 because I honestly have nothing but bad memories from living with them I just felt like I was in the way.

Not sure what I should do here my emotions are all over the place I don't think they know I struggle with depression.

Aug 4, 2021

I tried posting this earlier but yeah some other things have also happened so wanted to add that as well.

I dedided to write a letter but ended with me using that letter as reference to what I wanted to say to them instead.

I wrote the letter and actually just planned to drop in in their mailbox and just let them read it.

But honestly after so many years I needed to have the conversation with them so I did.

So I went home and surprise surprise dad and mom had a friend over, the woman who I ran into a few days ago let's call her Claire.

They were just sitting in the living room just talking I asked Claire politely to leave because I need to speak to my parents she said sure and she left, my parents understood I had something discuss and they did not argue.

Apperantly they were talking about me and Claire actually came over because she was worried about me after I basiclly ignored her the other day when I ran into her.

I sat down with my parents had the letter I had written and they understood I had a lot to say.

The whole thing was weird I sounded like a prosecutor trying to convince a jury of all my parents wrongdoings, it ended up being 40 minute indictment of my parents.

I went through all of it how alone I felt, me struggeling with depression, me seeing a therapist, on anti depresseants, me feeling since I was 11 that was always in the way, that I never mattered to them and that other people were always more important.

How Claire who was 25 the same age I am now when she started hanging around with you actually gave more of a damn than you did.

How you (dad) yelled at me when I messed up the settings on the dishwasher while you were away,      I was 11 and did not know how it worked and that I offered to wash them by hand which I did.

I was bullied in school and was socially ackward, had no friends and was always alone both at school and at home.

I was 11 and had to deal with being alone on the weekends even christmas was weird and ackward I remember seeing families light christmas trees in our street seeing parents and their kids.

But you guys went to your christmas get togethers and only on christmas day were you home and I honestly felt alone then as well.

I have no such memories or felt any belonging whatsoever and now you keep asking me why I have barely spoken to you for four years ?

I don't know you and you never bothered to get to know me, other people were always more important.

When I found out and understood what you guys were into, I was even more mad why was that more important than me ??

How is it fair that you are happy and I am alone and miserable, it's not fair because you did this to me.

I have spent my childhood alone, my teens alone and now my twenties alone so far I never had a girlfriend because I struggle to trust people and have no idea how to get close to people.

You shared a picture of me on FB one of the few of us together from when I was a kid, saw Claire and your other GF comment on it how cute I was and what a great family we were.

Notice anything on those pictures ? I never smiled.

Why did you even have me to begin with clearly I was just a prop for you to show off to let others know what great parents you were, your FB profiles makes me sick to honest.

Dad wanted to say something and mom just looked stunned and she had tears, I just got up and left and that was that.

I never yelled or called them any names I was surprisingly calm I honestly felt numb walking out but also a lot lighter.

I left my sparekey to their place and just walked back to my place.

Mom has been texting and tried callin  me I think they are both struggeling on what to say to me, I just demanded they remove the pictures of me from their FB which they did.

They do not get to pretend to the world like they were great parents anymore I refuse to be a prop.

So that's the update still gonna continue with my therapists or may need to find a new one. 

NEW UPDATE

  Oct 11, 2021

Just wanted to give an update and thank you for all the comments, I decided to switch therapists and the new one is better than my old one.

Still dealing with anxiety and feel very lonely sometimes, but trying to get through the day.

Had a long talk with mom who actually decided to stop by my place, she and I talked for almost three hours.

I decided not to berate her and instead just being honest and explain how my life has been and how I am dealing with a bunch of things.

It was as honest as it could get with me basiclly just sharing how I was doing, mom did not realize how bad it was and she just gave me a hug I don't know why but that helped, she was not sure what to say about everything and I don't really blame her.

She said come home for awhile especially at christmas you don't have to sit in your apartment alone, told her I would think about it.

Mom looks like she finally realized that I had been in pain for quite some time and her recognizing that is I guess what I really wanted like she finally got it.

So yeah progress I guess still not sure what the future holds, still feel very apathethic and my anxiety can get the best of me sometimes and have had days I feel very low like nothing matters anymore.

But I guess it's a step in the right direction

​THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is and posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Content warning - mention of child sexual abuse, miscarriage

2 updates - Medium

- 30th March 2024

- 20th April 2024

- 13th May 2024

My husband kicked me out of the home because I invited over his mother

I preface this by saying I think I screwed up massively.

Hubbie and I have been married for six years now. He's always been the "fun guy", always laughing and making me laugh, always seeing the bright side of things. However, one thing that bothered me was that I never knew much of his family. His father died when he was little and he has little relationship with his mom.

I'll keep this short: four months ago I looked up his mom on social media and found her. I sent a message, and she replied. We chatted and met up, she doesn't live far from us. She knew all about me and her son because she kept an eye on him on social. We became friends and I filled her in with details about our lives. I asked her why hubbie went no contact with her. She refused to tell me why if hubbie didn't tell me, just said it was all her fault and she's ashamed of it. I proposed to try what I could to help them reconcile and she agreed even if she was reluctant at first.

In the following weeks I tried talking to hubbie about his mother and what happened between them. He always changed topic or shut me down. When MIL asked me how it was going, I told her things were progressing and I was working on it.

Last week I decided to try and have them meet up so maybe we could spend Easter together. I invited MIL over before my husband would be back from work so we could surprise. She was a bit unsure about this, she said she wasn't comfortable surprising him like that, but I reassured her. I thought that any emotion hubbie could have would be better cooled by a hug.

Spoiler alert, MIL was right. Hubbie came home, and after the initial shock started yelling like I never heard him to her to get out immediately. She just grabbed her coat and stormed out. Afterwards, hubbie told me to get out too when I explained what I had done. He didn't yell at me, but his voice was cold and almost emotionless.

I've been staying at my sister's since. Hubbie won't take my calls. MIL cried on the phone and asked why I lied like that and never talked to my hubbie and "prepared" him for that. Now she stopped taking my calls as well.

I know I have screwed up big time, and I see now what a massive dork I've been. How can I fix this? I want to apologize to hubbie for what I did and maybe find out why his mom is dead to him.

Comments

Maze_C

You’re a manipulative liar with no concept of boundaries. You’re staring divorce in the face and STILL want details on a situation that has absolutely fuck all to do with you. You know you’re a despicable person when even the estranged mother wants nothing to do with you. Grow up.

Update - 3 weeks later

The last weeks have been rough, but we might be okay. Hubbie opened up about the reason he cut off his mother and many of you were right, it was s3xual abuse. Not from his mother, but his stepfather. They were engaged and his mom was pregnant with his child when the guy started giving my husband "attentions".

Husband went to his mom but she shut him down accusing him of being jealous and wanting to spoil her happiness. This went on until his mother came home from work unexpectedly and walked in on the guy "giving attention" to my husband. She kicked him out, pressed charges and annulled their engagement, but the damage was done and my husband no longer trusted her. She also lost the baby due to stress and although she never blamed my husband for it, he felt it was his fault.

All this felt like a gut punch for me, first for what he went through, and then because now I am the person who shattered his trust. He said he did consider divorce over this, but pretty bluntly said that he thinks my actions were out of stupidity rather than malice, and he wants to work things out.

I am committed to do my best to become a better and safe partner for him, I know I have this stupid and selfish tendency to think that I often know better than him, but I have to get over it because it hurt him massively and almost imploded our relationship. I don't want to be another person he trusted and ended up hurting him.

He also decided to reach out to his mom and start talking to her again. He's not sure they can repair the relationship, but he wants for both of them to find some closure.

Comments

Strange_Salamander33

Literally, she forced him to relive trauma and tell a secret she had no business knowing. I’d definitely have divorced

RegieRealtor49

To be fair he had not told her about the abuse. She had no idea

OOP: I know I screwed up massively and I will do everything I can to become a better wife and safe partner for him

xanif

Another example of someone with a savior complex trying to "fix" things.

Update - 3 weeks later

My husband is doing better and our relationship is slowly getting back to what it was. I know it will take a lot of time to repair the damage I caused, but I am willing to give him all the time he wants and do anything he asks out of me.

The bitter irony of this whole story is that he told me he had been thinking about reaching out to his mother, but on his terms and time. By going behind his back I almost destroyed that chance of reconciliation and imploded our marriage. I am working on myself and will start seeing a therapist next month so I never do something like that ever again and more importantly, never betray his trust ever again. Also, with my husband's knowledge and consent, I apologized to MIL for leading her on with false promises and she has forgiven me.

As for him and MIL, they started talking to each other, have met a couple of times in public and yesterday my husband invited her over for dinner so that in his words we all can try to start over properly. She's a very sweet woman and she's eager to reconcile with him and get to know me. My husband said that for now he wants for all of us to get a bit used to each other, then he and MIL will get to work on their traumas (his words).

He says she's not the "villain" in what happened, but he needs to come to terms with her poor decisions and his own feelings of guilt for her losing her baby. MIL on the other hand is very apologetic and extremely sorry about what happened (in my husband's opinion, sincerely so) and doesn't blame him at all for the miscarriage.

As for me, I just sit aside and do my best to rebuild the trust with my husband and become a better and safe partner. He started being affectionate with me again and we are no longer on thin ice, but I can't stop thinking I almost lost him because I thought I knew better than him.

Comments

Veronika9216

I remember your story, and I hope you appreciate how lucky you are to be given a second chance.

You know you screwed up when both your husband and the estranged parent are upset at you for what you have done. It seems you all are on the road of reconciling, but never forget that your short-sighted actions could have nuked any possibility of them reconciling and your own marriage.

Be thankful you are given this chance, don't screw it up and although your husband and MIL have forgiven you for breaking both their trusts, it will take time to rebuild their trust for you.

Syclone11

I am happy for you OP. You know how you massively screwed up and have shown yourself to be remorseful and have grasped what you did to your husband.

He and his mother have a lot of healing to do. You are right to stay out of it going forward unless asked by your husband. He is being affectionate because he does love you and knows you deserve redemption and is looking to give you that gift. You are very lucky and I think this will make you a more complete partner. I wish nothing but the best for you, your husband and his mother.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I AM NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted on

2 updates – short

Content warning: drug and alcohol abuse, waste of questionable origin

Sister-in-law told me my wife cheated while on vacation

The players in this drama. My wife who for the purpose of this post shall be called Anne (female 47). My sister-in-law (female 40) who we shall call Shannon. SIL's cheating partner (male mid 40s) known hereafter as Tony. And myself (male, so close to 50 that I can reach out and slap it). We shall refer to me as "me". Usual disclaimers of cell phone and English is my first language, I just suck at it. So my wife had to travel to her step father's house. He is in very poor health, and she went there to help set up home heath. She was there for a week, and we were in constant contact. Her sister is a drunk and a drug addict. At several points during the visit, we were on video chat when "Shannon" came into the room where my wife and her father were. She was buck ass naked, raging drunk. In front of her father. I was mortified, and I'm sure he was too. Now "Shannon" is married, but separated. She has a live in boyfriend. "Tony" is my father-in-law's primary care giver. For the flight home, "Anne" missed her flight. "Tony" was driving her to the airport. There was an unusual amount of road construction, and they arrived late. She had to take a different flight. Not a big deal. After she was home for a few days, the following text exchange happened between me and Shannon. Shannon: they fucked. Me: who, and did you film it? We could make a fortune on pornhub! Shannon: I saw him leaving her room and smiling. You know she didn't miss her flight! He ain't denying it. Me: well, if they did, he's the luckiest man alive.

Now guys, I know that I have a better chance of creating a fart powered personal jet than this story has of being true. It's just not in her nature. That said, damn that woman to the depths of Detroit's South side for putting the idea in my head.

So, the question: how do I deal with a crazy drunk 80lb woman from 1000 miles away. I can't block her, because the rest of her family has. If something happens to the father-in-law while Tony is at work, I'm the only one she can contact.

Tldr: drunk SIL claims wife cheated. She didn't. I have to decide how to deal with her.

Comments

Indianblanket

Tell Tony you are blocking Shannon and to please contact you directly with any updates he receives from Shannon while he's at work.

Block Shannon.

Call Dad daily.

 EdgeCityRed

Yeah, I had a former friend like Shannon: a heavy drinker, mental issues (no offense intended to people dealing with mental issues, but this was the main factor in that case), major liar who'd fixate on specific things to lie about.

I did block this person in every conceivable way but I can't think of anything else to do in your situation but ignore the behavior since you have to be in contact. OR, you and your wife could just talk to Tony about the father-in-law with the understanding that if Tony quits being the caregiver or breaks up with Shannon, he passes your contact info to the next caregiver. If something happens when Tony is at work, he'd still probably know before you.

Anyway, you have nothing to worry about with the wife anyway; you're too funny to dump.

*too funny to dump. I have a host of exes that would strongly disagree. Unless you meant funny looking. Then, they would come down solidly on your side

Update 1

Several months ago my drunk of a SIL (f-40) told me (m-50) that my wife of 12 years (f-47) cheated on me while setting her her step dad's home health in Detroit. I, of course, didn't believe her. A lot has happened since then. First, we all went up for Christmas. While we were there, SIL (I called her Shannon in the original post) stormed in and claimed that my wife was having sex with her boyfriend "Tony" on the front porch. Two problems with that. 1) It's Detroit in December so it's cold as a well digger's ass outside. 2) my wife is in the chair next to mine. SIL ended up assaulting Tony right after I returned home. She ended up in jail where she was placed on a 3 day psych hold. Apparently being a drunken meth addict makes you crazy. Who knew? Mid January, my father-in-law passed away. This sent SIL into a spiral. Especially when she found out that she couldn't stay in the family home anymore as it had to be sold. She was given $35,000 from her father's retirement to get a new place and hold her over until the sale of the house. My wife and I drove up to prepare the house to go on the market. Y'all, I've been in nasty houses before, but not like this. My father-in-law kept this place immaculate. Now, in just 2 months, it qualifies for an episode of Hoarders. There is dog crap halfway up the walls in the den. I didn't even know dogs could poop that high! There were several empty bottles of $350 tequila in the living room. We figure that she will have drank her entire inheritance in six months. We had to rent a dumpster for me to shovel all of her garbage in to. Obviously, I changed the locks and garage door codes. Im a career garage door installer, so that part was easily done. Even more obviously, all those people who responded to the original post that my wife cheated were VERY wrong. Edit: the dog is a chihuahua. We assume that it did it's doggie business off the back of the couch, since we had to move the couch to find what was causing the smell. We can't take the dog because SIL refuses to see us. TLDR, Wife, who I knew didn't cheat even though her sister claimed she did, was exonerated because her sister is batshit crazy from meth and alcohol.

Comments

Scarletnightingale

Sir, given that she is an alcoholic with a meth addiction, I would assume that that was not dog poop on the walls. Alcoholics tend to have issues with their digestive system and meth and alcohol mess with judgement and a person caring of they pooped on the wall.

Good luck with the house, and I'm sorry that your SIL is making things so much more difficult for you during the loss of your wife's father.

Elfich47
If she making meth in the house, you may need a decon team to clean the site up.

She doesn't make it, just uses. We know this by the amount of dealers that FIL had to chase off

Update 2

I mentioned in my last post that my Father-in-law passed away. From insurance and his retirement both of his daughters received $104k before taxes. We paid our taxes up front leaving us just over $80k. We really don't have much debt, so we put it all on our house. My SIL however chose to accept a lump sum. In the update, when she had gotten the first installment of $35k, I said she would have drank it all in 6 months. Apparently I am a very optimistic man. She has drank,shot up, and snorted the entire $104k in less than 3 months. Through most of the high times, she sent my wife incredibly awful texts claiming that her dad never loved her. Technically it was my wife's step-dad. One of the claims made was that if he loved her he would have adopted her. SIL was too young to remember, but he did try. Her birth father wouldn't sign off on it. Anyway, she is out of money. My wife is getting around a dozen slurred phone calls a day begging her to let SIL sleep on our couch. That is a giant HELL NO from us. We expect to hear any day that she has been found dead.

TLDR: SIL blew her entire inheritance on drugs and alcohol. Now after insulting my wife for months, wants to live with us.

Comments

crom_77

Sounds like you have a head on your shoulders. SIL sounds like a nightmare. Money can wreck a family if it's not handled carefully, I've seen it happen several times. People live like there's going to be a big payout at the end, or like they deserve something.

HuntEnvironmental863

Do you think in 3 months OP will be back on here cause Anne took the 80k and ran off with Tony?

80k is gone. It went on our mortgage. As for Tony, he disappeared when the SIL ran out of money.

Marked as concluded per OOP.

No brigading, no harassment.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My (38F) Husband (39M) hid having lunch with a coworker (25F) and said my food was ‘tasteless’. What do I do?

Trigger Warnings: emotional affair, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation

: May 5, 2024

I want this to be quick. I feel really weird about this and I’m on the verge of asking for a separation.

So, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 11. Amazing relationship, small bumps of course but nothing like this.

I’ve always made lunch for my husband to take to work, and up until a little over a month ago that was fine. Middle of March he said that a new Turkish food stand opened up outside of his office and that he had been eating lunches there instead because they were good. Alright, no problem.

So he just completely stopped asking for lunches. I had maybe packed 5 during this time frame for him, but I’m not even sure he was eating them now.

So on Thursday I was at home working and I had a phone call from him, thought he was calling during his lunch but he had butt dialled me instead.

At first, I didn’t hear much, just him talking to someone, and I was about to hang up until I heard a woman’s voice as well. I wouldn’t say I’m a jealous person, but I was a little bit curious so I muted my call at work and listened.

It was just standard conversation at first, he was praising this woman’s cooking A LOT. Which of course made me realise that he was eating lunch this coworker made. I was a bit peeved but there’s an explanation sure.

Although that went out the fucking window when she said “is it better than your wife’s?” To which he replied “Oh yeah, without a doubt. I mean, it’s not tasteless for a start” followed by laughing.

First of all, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? 15 years of cooking and NOW he has a complaint? And not even to me but some coworker!!

Also, that absolutely isn’t innocent on her end right? I’m not crazy in thinking that’s so weird, why even bring me up?

Anyway, I raised hell, ended the call, sent him a message not to ‘worry about my tasteless cooking anymore’ and that he ‘can eat from the bin’ from now on.

Hes apologised, said that he loves my food and was just trying to seem cool in front of his coworker. I asked why he lied about where he was getting lunch from, and he said that initially he did get it from that stand, but the coworker started offering and he didn’t want to tell me because he thought that I would get jealous (yeah, can you blame me?)

So, I’ve been airing him since. I’m still pissed to be honest, I haven’t made him lunch or dinner, only for myself since he said that he dislikes it so much. He said today that he’s apologised and that I shouldn’t keep punishing him but I’m literally an inch from going to my mums. I have a suitcase with my clothes packed under our bed ready.

Dad thinks it was a stupid comment, but that I should work it out, mum is on my side regardless of my decision. I’m thinking about leaving for a few days at least, maybe a separation but I honestly just want some reassurance if that’s what’s best here?

Relevant Comments

OOP on if this was a one-off situation

OOP: It’s a one off and so insanely weird coming from him. He’s never been that type of person at all. I can’t remember a single time hes said something negative about me to myself, never mind to someone else!

He hasn’t been suspicious with his phone of behaviour at all. He comes home on time and if he’s out with friends I can pretty much confirm it, so I’m not sure. Maybe at most an emotional affair or a crush? But at the moment I don’t think he’s cheating. I honestly just feel really hurt

OOP on if her husband can cook or not

OOP: He can barely cook, so it’d be more of a punishment for me to be honest. I’ve been making him cook for himself since this happened and he’s been miserable. Definitely agree with the asshole coworker though, no clue why she had the audacity to try and bring me up like that

I didn’t know. Yeah he’s apologised, but I’m still pretty hurt over it. Cooking for 15 years just to have him badmouth me sucks. Ideally I want him to cut ties with that coworker of his too for bringing me up. He won’t mention much of her but I feel like she’s just as bad too.

I’m also pretty annoyed he lied to me for a month about the fact that he was eating lunch with this coworker, her lunch too. I don’t see why he would

Blue-eagle-23: Has he agreed to stop having lunch with her? Even if she is not hoping to get with him she is certainly not a supporter of your relationship.

OOP: He said that he’ll stop having lunch with her and apparently has done since that happened. (Although I have no way of proving this)

the_taco_life: If he's not cheating on you with his much younger coworker, he wants to/is trying to. Man my vagina would dry up and blow away in a puff of dust over such classic creepy older dude behavior.

You're not overreacting. You're under reacting.

OOP: I absolutely feel it drying up already. It’s like everything I’ve found attractive in him has gone. He’s just so plain to me now.

issa_username29: Yeahhhh honestly I’d probably leave for at least a couple of days too, overhearing something like that would piss me off! Has he been weird with his phone or any other communication devices?

OOP: Absolutely nothing! No change in behaviour either. He hasn’t been cagey or weird, he’s let me use his phone whenever before all of this happened. He’s been completely normal

May 7, 2024

I’m back. It’s not a great update but you all deserve one for all of the advice you gave me on my last post.

He confirmed that he developed a crush on her, it’s an emotional affair at least and that’s all I really need to hear. I sat him down and had a heart to heart with him.

Bottom line are these points.

• if I hadn’t of heard what he said, he most likely would have continued flirting with her, he admitted this himself.

• he liked the attention, she had bad mouthed me previously (I didn’t ask for examples) and he didn’t shut it down because he liked it.

• She has actively been persuing him for over 3 months now, he hadn’t put a stop to it until I caught him.

• The Saturday before last she offered to give him a blowjob during lunch together, he declined, but he told me that he let her feel his muscles over his clothes.

The only reason he said all of this fucking shit was because I was all sweet and I said “I promise, tell me the full truth and we can move on, I’ll forgive you, I just want to know”

Right, fuck that. He is packing his bags. This is MY house, and it will be treated as such. I really don’t care anymore. If he’s seriously deluded himself into thinking this is going to last, he can crack on.

I’m genuinely so angry more than anything. I did everything for him. I make double what he does so I paid all the bills, while we used his money for fun stuff. When we met he had crippling CPTSD and body dysmorphia. I did fucking everything to help him get over it. I dealt with his night terrors every bloody night, despite it ruining my sleep. I reassured him constantly despite not getting it back. All of it without a bloody complaint. You love someone so much just for them to throw you away so easily.

He cried, had a panic attack that I had to calm him down from and is now taking his time packing. He keeps stopping to come into the living room to ask for a hug. I can’t even express how disgusted I feel, like I physically can’t even look at him anymore.

There was no need, if he was unhappy he should have told me, I don’t know why the hell he even felt the need to get some validation from this girl but sure, whatever.

He keeps saying he doesn’t know why he did it, but of course he knows, he’s just too much of a coward to tell me.

Well whatever, it’s done now. He’s leaving, his family is back in Germany so fuck knows who he’s staying with, probably her but I’m washing my hands of him.

Thank you for all of the advice you gave me on the last post, so many great ideas that I didn’t even end up needing to use because he just down right admitted it all to me.

Relevant Comments

Katatonic92: Doesn't know why he did it? Here's my guess based on the info you shared;

1. You saw him at his weakest & most vulnerable, you are clearly still his backbone judging from his current behaviour. He doesn't get to play the toxic image of manly man to you, in his mind, you are stronger than him. I guarantee he hasn't opened up to her about any vulnerabilities he has, it sounds like she has appealed to the toxic manly man ideal of making food & offering blowjobs to the big, strong muscular man. He gets to inflate his ego in a way he can't with you.

2. Not only have you emotionally supported him, you are also the main breadwinner, the provider. You cover the bills, the roof over your head, his contribution is the unnecessary fun stuff. This is yet another blow to the toxic manly man's fragile ego. He probably considers himself financially superior to her, his money could hold more "value" to her instead of it just being fun money you won't really miss.

3. He is older than her, gets to seem like the wiser, more worldly adult of the relationship. He will feel superior to her in every way he feels inferior to you.

4. He enjoyed the negative comments made about your food, not because they were necessarily true but because it meant you weren't perfect & someone else was validating it. Again, when you are insecure it is easier to find faults be derogatory towards a perceived threat to drag them down, instead of building themselves up.

Conclusion. Major insecurity, inflation of ego from someone he feels he holds superiority over. And as fucking usual, instead of recognising this bullshit, speaking to his wife who has done nothing but love & support him, go to see a therapist to work on his feelings, he goes down the easy road. Instead of doing the work to overcome his feelings of inadequacy, it was so much easier to gravitate to someone who not only let him ignore those feelings for a while, they also found a way to tear you down.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, it is truly pathetic when someone would sooner risk causing this terminal heartbreak, than suffer short term discomfort by communicating. It's pathetic.

OOP: Jesus fucking Christ. How do I pin a comment? That’s so unbelievably true I can’t even say anything.

Physically he’s pretty intimidating. He’s 6’6 and about 270 pounds, and he can be pretty scary to people who don’t know him. But he’s always been extremely sweet and kind, and that’s one of his biggest insecurities, looking like a man but not ‘feeling’ like one. Which has always been bullshit to me. But yeah, everything you said is literally him.

I can’t even thank you enough for writing this. Having it down fully on here is so incredibly validating.

OOP on her husband’s co-worker being a problem

OOP: She is A problem. Singular. I’m not running to her house to curb stomp her because I don’t know a damn thing about this woman. But regardless. Yeah, she wanted to fuck a married man, is that fucked up? Absolutely, and if the chance comes around I’m being petty and getting revenge. But seriously, who’s the hell is she? Did I spend 15 years of my life with this woman? Did I make vows to her? NO.

Read this, then reread it sir. My HUSBAND, is at fault here, because he knew damn well what was going on. He knew this woman wanted him, he knew what was going to happen and he let it. What can I do to her? Nothing, what can I do to my husband? Divorce him. That’s the bottom line.

For the love of god, stop dick riding my husband and move on, it’s actually insane that I have to say this but no one is defending that woman, no one, we’re coming rightfully for my husband because of HIS part in all of this.

- May 9, 2024

I can’t post another update to the relationship sub, and I didn’t know if people would see it if I just made an edit myself on my other post. Some shit went down, but I’m okay. Yesterday night STBX contacted me. A lot of people told me to delete my recent update made of the post, it honestly slipped my mind that he could be reading it too,

He said that he was a bit hurt that I’d think he would go for Alimony. But that he understands given everything. He told me that he wasn’t going to but if he needed to sign something to prove it he would.

I said given everything that’s happened he can’t blame me for being on alert. He said that he’s quit his job and that he’s thinking about returning to Germany to be with his family there, additionally he says he’s cut contact with that coworker. He apologised again and wished me the best

Right, and that would have been just fine by itself. But I woke up at about 2.15am last night needing a wee and I saw my ring door bell going off. I have footage of him just sitting outside my house talking to himself. Literally he got there at 1 ish, knocked, sat down on my front steps and just started talking. I slept through it and only woke up because I needed the bathroom. I literally sat in my closet for ages just watching the camera not knowing what to do until he left at 3am.

He’s probably going to read this too but I’m somewhere safe, I just can’t tell you all for obvious reasons. He sent me a message saying he can’t lose me, that I’m the love of his life. I told him to fuck off and blocked him.

I really can’t say much, but I’m taking action. Absolutely don’t worry about that little prick.

Just a possible last update, it’s a bit risky to tell you what’s happening now that it’s gotten a bit shittier, just in case it gets back to him.

Relevant Comments

OOP on her husband blowing up his life for his emotional affair and doing anything to get her back

OOP: I did end up asking him why he declined her offer for a blow job. I feel like at this point it’s pretty done and dusted, there isn’t really a need to keep lying.

He said the main thing was that he was a little bit afraid to cross that line, and that he had rationalised to himself that since it hadn’t turned physical, it wasn’t bad. (He didn’t really elaborate on why he was afraid, but we were each other’s firsts, so that’s maybe why?)

I cringed a bit writing about her feeling up his muscles. It feels a bit gross to type out for some reason. My STBX is a physically big bloke. He’s 6’6 and roughly 270. He was in the military for a while and he never got out of that routine. I really don’t know what he means when he says his muscles. I mean it could be any of them.

My heart does really hurt for him in a strange way. I was a bit panicked this morning after I woke up from the nights drama worried if he had a night terror or something. I know that he betrayed me, but I still can’t stop hoping that he’s okay. I’ve messaged some of his friends to check up on him just in case.

OOP on if she and her husband have kids

OOP Nope! No kids thank god! We’re childfree

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is , account suspended

Originally posted to

AITAH for not helping my ex wife who cheated on me?

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, psychological abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation

: May 9, 2024

My ex wife (32F) and I (33M) finalized our divorce last year, and she had already moved in with her affair partner. We were married for 5 years and together for 10, and it hurt a lot.

Over the past year, it’s pretty clear that my ex wife’s new boyfriend has been psychologically and emotionally abusing her. It honestly makes me want to beat up the dude, and my ex wife’s mental health has completely tanked.

My ex wife has called me a few times over the last couple of months and it’s obvious she’s struggling. I’ve asked her multiple times to just cut it off with him and pack up her bags and move in with her parents, but she doesn’t want to because she feels isolated from her parents after our divorce. She is also a SAHM to her boyfriend's daughter, and so she feels even more trapped.

She asked me if I could pick her up and if she could stay with me for a while. I am not scared of that dude whatsoever, and if I wanted to, I could just drive over to their house and pick her up right now. But I told her I won’t do that, and she has to get the courage to just step out and go to her parents, or just ask her friends for help.

My ex wife is obviously struggling really bad, but I’m also not a humanitarian, there’s a lot of people in this world who are suffering. I’m not a superman who can save everyone, and I have to pick my own battles for my mental sanity.

AITAH for not helping my ex wife escape from her abusive boyfriend?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Comments

Least-Weather8703: Buddy, it's time to cut ties with your ex-wife permanently. She made her choices, and it's not your responsibility to save her from the consequences. Focus on your own well-being and let her figure things out on her own.

Pineapple-85: NTA - You need to cut contact. She is trying to drag you into a hot ass mess. It is not your job to fix her mistakes. Sadly, she made her bed, and now she needs to lay in it.

It is disrespectful as hell that she reaches out to you to complain about the life she left you for. She literally could not care less about your feelings.

If you feel you need to. Reach out to her parents. Let them know your concerns and that you do not plan on getting involved. And plan on not having contact with her any longer so they may want to check up on her.

Edit: Is it his responsibility to reach out to her parents? No but it isnt about responsibility.

It is about him being ablen to walk away with a clearer conscience. It gives him the peace of mind that she may not be fully alone and someone outside of him is aware of the situation. Because he obviously still cares. It is about alleviating the guilt he seems to be feeling for not picking her up.

OP posted an update blocked her but chose to not get involved further which is also ok. He needed to do what was best for him.

: May 9, 2024 (11 hours later)

Original Post:

Thanks for the advice.

I called my ex wife this morning before leaving for work, and told her I was going to cut off all contact with her after the call and block her number. I again told her to please just get out her relationship and just go home to her parents, yes she feels isolated from her parents, but they are her parents after all, and they will accept her in. She was crying really bad, but I told her there isn’t much I can do anymore. I then hung up the call and blocked her.

I think cutting off all contact with her is necessary to protect my mental sanity. I am not going to contact her parents, I am just going to remove myself from this situation entirely. Yes, I am really worried for her, but I can’t help or save everyone in the world, I wished I could, but I can’t. I need to look after myself and move on with my life.

Comment

nylonvest: Good choice.

If you ever feel guilty, remind yourself that you already helped her a lot more than she deserved, just by being a sympathetic ear. She really had no right to ask for your sympathy over choices she made that caused you so much pain in the first place.

&nsbp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

I(29F) made my step-father(50M) an outsider at my wedding that he paid for. I need to make it up to him but I dont know how.

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment, emotional manipulation, possible exploitation

: May 6, 2024

I ruined the memory of the best day of my life because I was too blind to see what I was doing was hurting one of the most important people in my life. I got married 2 months ago to the love of my life, and he finally opened my eyes to what I did. He showed me the perspective I didnt understand.

When I was 5 my father left us. Just disappeared without trace. He and my mom were already separated by that point, but he was still living with us. 3 years later my mom started dating Rob. He was quite a bit younger than she was, I belive she was 34 and he was 26. Today he is very wealthy (he wasnt when he met my mom) and he treats my mother like a queen. Whenever she is around him she looks like the happiest person in the world. My younger sister looks a lot like me and mom, but her personality is for sure a reflexion of her dad, always telling jokes and being just a nice person all around while me and my mom are more serious and cold.

As I got older, Rob became more present in my life he got married to my mom and she got pregnant. But it was still pretty weird seeing him as a father figure mostly because people would asume he was my brother all the time. When I was in HS, I was dating this boy, and he broke up with me at my friends house. My mom was on a night shift and I had to ask Rob to pick me up. When he did, he conforted me, took me to get ice cream, and when we got home he told me something like this (without knowing what happened) "whoever made you sad doesnt understand that you are the best girl in the world, and its their loss. Dont beat yourself up because other people are too stupid to see it"

I just said to him "I wish you were my dad". He smiled and said that he wished that too, and he could be if I wanted to. We left it at that. I never called him dad. But from that point foward I saw him as a father and I think he knows it.

I finally reconected to my biological father about an year ago. It happened because I got engaged. When I came to my mom's house one day, he was there and I couldnt even recongnise him. He was way thiner than he was when I was a kid. He struggled for years with depression and substance abuse. My mom and Rob actually helped him get clean and they even paid for his stay at a great reabilitation center. They decided together that it was time for me to finally meet him again.

I dont want to explore much on how this was, but all I have to say is that im glad to have him back in my life and im glad for being able to help him heal. He sufered a lot, he got lost. But now he is at least trying.

Rob and my mother payed for everything at my wedding, and everything was amaizing. The church was beautiful, my husband looked amaizing. The one mistake I made: I chose my biological father over Rob. I chose the man that did abandon me for over 20 years over the one the took me as his own and gave me everything he could when he didnt have to. I chose the man that broke my mothers heart over the one that saved her. I dont know why I did what I did. Looking back on it I feel so fucking stupid. My dad didnt deserve to walk me down the aisle. My dad dint deserve to be in all the pictures with my mom and my husbands parents. It should have been Rob.

I dont know, I think I was compensating for the time lost with my dad. Everything was still so fresh with him. I was helping him out, he talked to me everyday, I felt like he deserved to be back in my life.

When we were deciding who would give speeches, we had to cut some because it was just too many and me and my husband didnt really like the idea of hearing speeches for and hour and a half. So we decided for 5 people each. When I gave the list to my husband he even asked "no Rob?" And I said "yeah, my mom is already doing one". The others I chose were 2 of my bridesmaids, my mom, my sister (she really pushed for it) and, again, my dad. My husband said I should reconsider, He even thought of giving up one of his to put Rob in. I said it was fine, he didnt need to do that. My whole thinking when doing this was that Rob has my sister. He will have his moment. This was the only chance my dad had.

But I went too far. I completly cut him out of the party basically. If you look at the photos it doesnt even look like he went. My mom looks like she is faking a smile in half the pictures. I dont have a single picture with him. He only apears in group pictures, and some with my husband.

I only realised all of this when I texted Rob 2 days ago, asking him about a gift im giving my husbands for his birthday. He anwsered. Then asked about my car that is with a mecanic friend of his. He awnsered. Then I asked him something about my insurance. He did not anwser. A little over an hour later my mom called me. She just said "do you have no shame? Do you not understand what you did?" I just listend and she told me not to talk to Rob for now. I was just so fucking confused. I got home and told my husband and he just said that he knows what she is referencing but he will talk to her first.

Later, he showed me the wedding photos, he went step by step on everything I have listed here. He talked calmly, and broke it down for me. By the end I was crying so much that I had a headache. What an inconsiderate idiot I am. He told me that he and my mom didnt tell me anything before the party because Rob asked them not to. He understood that it was important for me for my father to be a big part of this day and when they protested he said that they should not make me worry about these small things.

I dont know what changed from before the party to now. My mom only tells me that he needs a bit of time and that he will talk to me soon. My husband keeps telling me that I made a mistake but Rob will be understanding and will forgive me. And I know that he will. He 100% has already forgiven me. He probably felt something when I was texting him that day that broke him down. I dont know what I said to trigger him at that moment, but also it doesnt really matter. I did the real damage at the party probably since he apeared to be fine with everything else before it (It was not fine by any means)

I have to make it up to him. I dont know how but I just do. I guess im just writing this here because im a little lost. Im too ashamed to talk about it with anyone else I know apart from my mom and husband. She doesnt tell me anything and my husband keeps insiting that everything will be fine and for me not to worry too much about it. And he is probably right but I feel like me not worrying about this is just being incosiderate to Rob again. I have to worry. I just dont know what to do.

Im now at work, and the only thing I can think about is this. Nothing else matters to me right now.

If someone has any kind of idea of how I can make it up to him I would greatly appreciate it.

Edit: Literally 40 minutes after I uploaded this, my mom texted me saying that Rob wants to speak to me tonight.

Relevant Comments

OOP on the situation of her insurance and Rob

OOP: Actually, Rob does not pay for my insurance. He only helped me set it up. And this is not about money at all, I make more than enough money and my husband is also very well off. Rob and my mom paid for the wedding because they wanted to. They told me it would be their gift for me and they gave me the money to use it on the wedding. My husbands family gave us a sum to help pay for our new house.

But your comment made me realise that this might be the problem, he might think im using him for money. That just breaks my heart. I do not want his money. I would happly take myself out of the my mom's will and his (if he has me in it, which he probably does), if it means I can fix this.

Also, he was not rich at all when he met my mom. He became successful after their marriage. Just to clarify.

OOP on why she didn’t plan the wedding photos ahead of time

OOP: My plan was that I wanted spontanious pictures and the photographer had to be changed last minute. In my head it worked out fine, what I wanted was to have the "important" pictures taken early, bridesmades, groomsman and family and later on have just spontanious pictures.

It was something I was too stuck on, this notion of "wasting time" doing pictures, speaches, etc.

But that was such dumb thinking. Thats what wedding are for.

At the end of the day though, everything went great apart from this disastrous oversight of mine.

Top Comments

RevolutionaryHat8988: I want to hug Rob. We all need a Rob in our lives.

Deleted Commenter: You’re almost 30 and needed all of this pointed out to you?

You made multiple conscious choices to exclude Rob from your wedding and only cared after you brought up an issue with your insurance: another thing he helped to pay for.

At your age you should know that choices have consequences.

I’m not sure there is anything you can do to make up for the choices you made.

May 9, 2024

First, I want to say some things before posting:

1. No, I am not Linda, my biological father isnt dying. Got a DM in here asking.

2. My sister is mostly just sad, not really mad at me. Just said she understood my situation but it still was really shitty seeing her father taken for granted and sad.

3. My mother is the person most pissed off at me at the moment. She is the only one that still does not talk to me. I mean she does, but not really.

4. For the people saying my husband and mother were idiots for not talking to me before: they agree and have told me this. My husband specially. Im not trying to shift blame here, just saying this for the people that talked about it

I was not going to post anything else on here. Not a fan of being called names and for people to keep saying that Rob should leave our family. Although Im well aware that I deserve most of everything that was said about me. The coments saying "the apple doesnt fall far from the tree" in regaards to me and my biological father were the ones that hurt the most as it is a fear of mine and the reason I dont drink much and dont use any drugs or anything that could be addictive. But seing how there are other things that could make us more similar than I realised is really frightening.

The day I posted here, my mom told me Rob wanted to speak to me and to go to their home after work. I went and waited for Rob to arrive. When he did my mom left us alone and he started off by saying that he was hurt by what I did at the wedding, that he knows he is not my father and that he would never try to force that on me, but that he at least thought he had some sort of importance in my life and seeing me just not give him any importance apart from talking to him when I need help with something made him realise that I do not view him the he thought I did.

At this point I was already crying so much that I couldnt even talk. I waited for him to finish and when he did I just told basically what you all saw in the post. That I fucked up bad, that I was incosiderate, that he is one of the most importante people in my life and that what I did was unforgivable.

The only reason I am posting it here is because of something during the conversation. He said something about my time at college and I went "but that was because..." and stoped. He asked me "what? because of what" I just said "nothing, you are right, that was my fault and I should have done better".

He was pretty angry at that point and he started to smile and we talked about me taking responsibility for my actions. Its something I am terrible at, it was an issue at my old job and since then I have been trying to be better at it but not very successfuly. He asked what changed and I told him about the post. Multiple people in the comments said that I dont take responsibility and yes, they read right through me. I showed it to him and reading the post calmed him down.

And no, he did not read the comments, just the ones I showed it to him, I would not let him see what some of you were saying about my mom.

So yes, he told me if I was going to say something else to thank you people for calling me out for not taking responsibility.

We talked about a lot of other things not related to the wedding. At the end I just told him that there were 2 things I wanted to say for him to take away from this conversation: I really did mean it when I was in HS and said that I wished he was my dad. Even now, with my biological dad in my life. I still feel that way. And the second thing is that I know that it will be hard for him to belive it right now because of what happened, but I will try to prove it to him for as long as it takes.

For those interested, I`ve been going to a therapist with my biological father once every 2 weeks since he came back, but I think I need one for myself so I will try to make it happen soon.

I want to thank 3 particular commenters that helped me.

1. The person that told me to take it slow with Rob and dmed me to stop looking at the thread cause I was spiraling.

2. The one that said: "People fuck up. Sometimes badly. But in a loving and caring family it's never the end of things as long as you are willing to own your mistakes."

3. And most importantly the best comment that was fair and gave me the right advice: "You are a spoilt, selfish, childish person. I don’t know that rob will forgive you but you can’t simply wait to see if he does. Write him a letter in which you fully own up to your awful behaviour. Do not say “I wish someone had stopped me” - that isn’t taking accountability for the way you treat people. With him and your mom paying for your wedding and your in laws paying for your house - you need to grow up and reflect very seriously on how you interact with everyone around you."

I guess the post served as the letter in the scenario, thank you, that was the slap in the face I needed to realise that I need to do a lot of work to improve myself and that the wedding was not its own thing, it was a reflection of who I am right now and I dont like what I see when I look in the mirror. Also, Rob more or less told me something similar, just not as a agressive, so this comment made me take his words as not him atacking me, but trying to help me understand my flaws.

Im not sure how I will make up for this. Rob is telling me that over time, just me being how I was before my biological father showed up will be enough for him. I dont doubt him but its not enough for me. I will live with what I did for the rest of my life. I will always remember.

The way I am now I actually need people to call me out for this kinds of things and its not fair to them. I will work on it, I have to. I will try my hardest to not ever hurt anyone I love this way again. Thankfully now I have someone in my husband to help me do that and call me out if needed. Thank you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

my boss enlists me in hiding his multiple affairs from his wife

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, abuse of authority

  Jan 30, 2017

My boss is having multiple affairs. I am his assistant, so I know about all his visitors and his schedule. He is married, but he often has visits from two different women, and he outright told me to never tell his wife about them. When either of them visit, he locks his door and tells me he is not to be disturbed. This happens almost weekly.

He sometimes asks me to book local hotel rooms for an hour or an afternoon, and he sometimes buys jewelry and flowers for the two women he sees regularly. I know this because he sends me out to pick up the jewelry (which I later see them wearing) or asks me to have the flowers sent to them. He never does anything like this for his wife. One of the women just had a baby who is named after my boss and has his surname.

One time, his wife showed up for a surprise visit to take him out to lunch, and he directed me to lie that the woman who was in his office was there for a job interview. He also submits expenses from his business trips (where he has traveled alone) and I have to re-calculate everything because he has upgraded the company-provided hotel room to a better one on his personal credit card and bought breakfast for more than one person the next morning. When this happens, he tells me he had “company.” There was also an incident where he came to work panicked because he said he accidentally used his company credit card at a strip club. He sent me to retrieve it and pay his tab with cash, but the address he sent me to was actually a massage parlor.

Normally I honestly don’t care what people do in their own private lives, but I hate that I’m part of his lies to his wife. She is a nice person and she is dealing with a heart condition that just required surgery. I know they don’t have an open relationship because my boss lies to her and also directs me to lie to her about his actions. He says she can never know. I get sick whenever I think about what he is doing. I know a way I can out him to his wife anonymously. Do you think I should let her know, or is this none of my business and I need to stay out of it?

  March 9, 2017

Two days after you published my letter, my boss was served with divorce papers here at work. His wife publicly outed his affairs, and she sent copies of emails and text messages sent between him and the two women he was having affairs with, as well as one of the escorts he was seeing regularly, to some people here at our office (including me), his relatives, and some of their friends. She also sent these to the two women and the escort, and some of their relatives and colleagues at work. The texts and emails prove that all three of them not only knew he was married but that he was seeing other women besides each one of them. They also include his acknowledgement he fathered a child outside of his marriage and evidence he used funds from the joint account and his wife’s pay to spend money on them, as well as for the random women he cheated with when he was out of town on business.

His wife has filed alienation of affection lawsuits against the two women and the escort he was cheating with regularly. All of three of them kept calling and coming to see him here at work to confront him after they were outed to people and served with the lawsuit papers, and I heard them talking (sometimes yelling) about it each time and him saying his wife moved out the day he was served with divorce papers and he has no way to contact except through her lawyer (hey have no children and apparently she has cut all contact).

I played dumb the entire time and no one, including his wife, has accused me of knowing anything or asked me if I did.

Before all of this happened, after reading your response and the responses in the comments, I decided to seriously start looking for another job. The same week my letter was published, there was an opening inside my company for a receptionist in a different division. The company usually posts jobs internally before they look externally, and since I’m classified as admin and the posting is for an administrative position, I didn’t have to apply and could just put in for a transfer.

They gave it to me, and I have been in my new job for two weeks now. I love it so far. I spend all day on the phone with people or talking with people who have come in to see or meet with my colleagues. The division has over 100 people, so while I have a screen where I can search for people by name and receive memos and things through email, I don’t have a computer that I am stuck staring at for hours a day. It’s definitely not for everyone but I love dealing with people all day and having no other responsibilities or a mountain of tasks or paperwork to do. My new colleagues have been welcoming and while everyone is talking about what is going on with my boss, no one has brought me into the drama and it only gets talked about around me the same as it would any other person. I don’t engage in any gossip and I certainly don’t talk about what I know, even though no one has asked.

I now have set hours, don’t ever have to work outside of those hours (no overtime or weekends or holidays) and no company cell phone. Since all my work involves dealing with people during working hours at work, I couldn’t do work at home even if I wanted to. Work is now separate from home, and overall I am much more relaxed because I have a clear line between working and not working and I don’t have to deal with my boss and his drama any more.

Thank you for your response to my question and to all the people who were supportive in the comments. I felt better knowing my feelings were valid and I wasn’t overreacting or wrong to be upset.

(Also there was some speculation in the comments about whether my boss could be engaging in some kind of embezzlement or falsifying because he had me separating expenses. There was nothing like that going on. The company has a policy where they will reimburse business expenses put on personal debit or credit cards. Non-work expenses are not allowed to be on company cards. So if the company paid for a hotel room when my boss traveled on business and he upgraded to a better room, the company would only reimburse or pay the original room price and he would have to pay for the rest of the upgrade. I would separate personal and work expenses before submitting them. This is in line with the company handbook and everyone always does it this way. There were no issues with him or me because of it. As for him using the company credit card at the massage parlor, they are legal where we are and since he had the charges reversed the same day and submitted proof of the reversal, the company never had an issue because he followed policy and hadn’t used the card for anything illegal.)

  Oct 20, 2017

My former boss was fired. His wife outed a fourth woman for sleeping with him, same as the others. She works here. Having an affair with a subordinate and the multiple yelling matches with the other three women here at the office was enough to get him fired. The fourth woman was married (unlike the other three) and her husband filed for divorce after she was outed. She took job somewhere else but left amicably and was not fired like my former boss was. At least two of the women his wife was suing are settling with her to avoid it going to trial. The yelling matches he was having made it clear she wasn’t using the lawsuits as a bargaining chip and would not drop them in exchange for stuff from him.

Now that both he and the woman from here that he was having an affair with are gone, things have calmed down. No one has mentioned the affair in weeks and everything here is boring again. I don’t mind the lack of gossip and am still enjoying my new job and great colleagues. I got a small bonus at my yearly review because my boss was so happy with my work. I love my new colleagues and they have been nothing but welcoming to me.

(Also there was speculation in the comments in my first update about whether his wife outed the escort for her affair or being an escort. The answer is both. I don’t agree with her actions but I empathize with how much pain the affairs have caused her.)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 17th February 2024

- 23rd February 2024

Previous BORU is

1 New Update

- 15th May 2024

I (29M) lost my wife three years ago. Started dating again, and new girlfriend (32F) wants to visit my wife's grave.

I am one of many who lost someone in that damn 2020. She was my world and we had our future all set up, she wanted children too by 2021, and then she was gone.

I felt I had lost all sense of purpose and after an agonizing year, moved away - not too far, but not close either. I didn't feel like I could breathe in that town. Still, every Saturday I get back and visit her resting place.

I just functioned for about two years - I am not depressed or anything like that, but I just functioned. Until I met who we will call Ada last year.

We started talking and hanging out together. She can be a bit haughty with people she doesn't know well but I was surprised to find out how sweet and kind she is under the ice. She gave me something to look forward to again. She likes to do most of the talking herself, which is fine with me because I never know what to say.

She knows everything about my wife, and this didn't discourage her. She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning, but she never left me alone. I asked her to tell me if anything I do or say makes her feel uncomfortable or like she's not a priority - she said that as of now I am doing nothing of the sort. She knows what I do every Saturday morning, and never objected to it. But today she said she would like to "meet her", as in accompany me in visiting her grave.

I feel conflicted about this. On one hand I respect and feel touched by her wish, on other it feels... weird, for a guy to take the new girlfriend where the first wife is buried. How should I approach this? Is it too soon, should I ask her to wait for that?

TL;DR I am a widower who started dating. Girlfriend wants to visit my wife's grave and I have conflicting feelings about it.

Comments

jiddlyjidson

Waiting is fine if you are not ready. It feels like she wants to support you in something that was (and am sure still is) pretty traumatic. Joining you to visit isn’t about meeting your wife, it’s about being with you whilst you are still grieving/recovering.

Inner-Pianist-7628

Came here to say this last part. She genuinely wants to be apart of your life and support you bro. This is actually kind of beautiful. On the flip note it’s totally understandable that you might not be ready though.

OOP: Thank you. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about this, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.

To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit. I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture.

Update - 6 days later

Some additional info and an update.

Some redditors and some people around us were worried that my relationship with Ada is just a rebound. I admit is something that I too was worried about, and Ada told me she didn't have long lasting expectations at first.

We began dating in April 2023, but as things progressed and she saw my intentions are serious and I'm committed, her doubts about me were gone. She says we are made of the same stuff - we are two loyal, committed and hardworking people and she wants a future with me. And so do I. We are looking for a new place to share and I'm looking for the ring to make my proposal.

I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about my past, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.

To my surprise, everyone approves of us - my parents, Ada's parents, and my late wife's mother. We never got any backlash.

On the update. I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing. So I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.

However I had unexpected things come up for tomorrow - I have to cover for a sick coworker, which means I'll be taken all morning and great part of the afternoon. It happens, and when it happens I either go on Friday or Sunday. I decided to go this afternoon (we are in Europe, it's evening here) and asked Ada if she wanted to come along - and she readily agreed.

We didn't talk much during the drive. When we arrived, we made our way to my wife's tombstone and I just said "Well, here she is". I fetched the water for the flowers and start my usual routine, Ada just crouched as if to examine it. Then she just helped me with the caretaking routine, removing the dead leaves and flowers, and cleaning the picture and the light. We then took a walk around the cemetery (might sound weird, but it's not unusual here as many cemeteries double as parks here) then sat outside for a smoke before the drive back.

We talked a bit, and Ada, who's quite the stoic, got a little emotional. She was happy I had let her in on such what for me is a particularly intimate and sacred place, but also shaken because after all the talking we had done of my late wife she subconsciously thought of her as someone she'd want to meet and be friends with, but seeing the grave reminded and cemented the fact that this amazing woman is gone. It was a bit of shaking for me too seeing her tearing up, since she's the most stoic woman I've ever met, but also made me think how this woman is a rare gem.

I don't doubt that in different circumstances, my late wife and Ada would have been great friends. And I'm a very lucky guy for finding not one, but two amazing woman which gave and still give my life meaning every day.

TL;DR I brought my girlfriend to my late wife's grave, and things went well.

Comments

TBagger1234

I’ve read so many posts here about people who have lost their partner and their new partner wants them to remove all memory of them as if they aren’t an important part of your life story. Ada is a good one. All the best OP!

OOP: Yeah, I read some of those posts too. Stuff of nightmares.

grandmasvilla

You are blessed to meet someone like Ada who is kind and understanding. Show your appreciation for her with your love and make her happy for the rest of your life. All the best.

OOP: Naturally, my friend. Making her happy and smile every day is my top priority. She gave me another chance at life.

Update 2 - 3 months later

Hello, I hope everyone here is well.

For a couple of months I had forgotten about this account, but I gave it a look the other day and read again all the beautiful comments and some very touching private messages. Again, thank you all for your interest and kindness.

Ada and I are doing well and we have found a place to move in together. If all goes well we'll be living together by July. Last month was the fourth anniversary of my late wife's passing. Ada was with me and held my hand.

I was a bit depressed like I am always am on our anniversaries, but Ada made it better. Sometimes I dream about my late wife, her coming back home, but either she never talks or I never remember what she says. However, when I dreamed her that night, in the dream there was Ada as well and they met each other. She was very happy about us and told me she's happy Ada is there for me when she can't.

I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on. I'll always love, honor and cherish my late wife, but now there is Ada who is giving me so much and deserves to be happy, to be loved and honored the way she deserves. And I don't intend to disappoint her.

As an aside, Ada also said that who knows, it could also be the spirit of my late wife visiting me in the only place she can, my dreams. She says we can see like that if we take the spiritual approach. Honestly I wouldn't know, death is one of those mysteries only those who passed have discovered, and they can't tell us.

We are doing well. We have also managed to program our first true vacation together and I was proud to formally introduce Ada as my partner when my company's CEO invited me to dinner with her husband.

It's an exciting new journey and we are thrilled to see where it will lead us. We are a team and we have a game plan.

TL;dr Things are good.

Comments

BigIronBruce

I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on

This is very sweet but I want to caution you that grief is complicated and recovery does not always happen in a straight line. You might sometimes have really complicated feelings of betrayal or heartbreak in the future and that's normal.

It's ok to move on, I'm sure your wife would want that but be careful of interpreting dreams.

mak_zaddy

I love a great Reddit update. A true palate cleanser.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and his user account

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 29th April 2023

- 22nd May 2023

AITA for breaking a promise and attending my stepdaughter's graduation?

I’ll start by explaining some backstory. I (54M) lost my first wife when my son (25M) and daughter (22F) were ages 9 and 12, Both my kids took it as hard as you would expect and to this day have a poor relationship with both my current wife "Doreen (49F)" and my stepdaughter "Amy (18F)". I started dating Doreen about 4 months after my first wife passed, as such my kids believe I cheated on their mom. Amy was 5 when we got together and as such I see her as my own daughter.

On to the actual story, 4 years ago, two days before Kay's high school graduation, Amy got very ill while visiting her grandparents and ended up needing emergency surgery. My wife and I rushed to be with Amy and admittedly I did not communicate well with Kay. At the time Kay didn't pick up my calls, so I left her a voicemail and several text messages explaining what happened and telling Kay I was sorry but I would make it up to her. A few hours go by and I get a call from Kay, she is in hysterics telling me what a terrible father I am and stated that if I did not attend her graduation I would be dead to her. I chose to support Amy.

True to her words, Kay did not contact me on the day of her graduation. And when came home Kay's things had been moved out of the house with a note explaining that we were no longer family and to never contact her again.

Luckily Kay and I were able to reconcile, however, I promised her I would give her absolutely anything in the world to make her forgive me. She said that she would forgive me as long as I refused to attend Amy's graduation as this was the only way to make it fair. I agreed at the time thinking she was just joking or angry and would soon forget.

This leads me to now. Invitations for Amy's graduation went out, and despite all the hostility Amy wanted to make sure Kay got one. Kay called Amy later that day and said she would be unable to attend as she and I would be spending the day together per our agreement. Amy broke down into tears asking me why I was missing her graduation, I assured her I was not and that I would speak to Kay. Later I explained to Kay that I simply could not miss Amy's graduation. Kay launched into a tirade about how I was a liar and an asshole and how could I do this to her again. I told her that we would talk when she calmed down and she said we would never talk again.

My son, and several of our extended family have all taken Kay's side saying I didn't see how hurt she was at graduation. My wife believes I am the asshole for even promising that in the first place as I should have known it would only upset one or both girls. And Amy is just sad and confused wondering why Kay hates her. I know keeping my promise and not attending Amy's graduation is probably the only way to salvage my relationship with Kay, but no matter how I look at it I would feel like I'm punishing Amy for having a medical issue, so am I the asshole?

EDIT to add some relevant info.

I NEVER cheated on my first wife. your accusations are honestly tiring and disgusting.

Amy's Bio father was never in her life. I am NOT Amy's Biological father, that wasn't ever even in question as we are not the same race.

Amy had appendicitis, she was staying over 4 hours away at her grandparent's house. at the time that we left the only info Doreen's mother would give us was she passed out and wouldn't wake up.

My daughter was moved out of our house for about a month and a half after which we made up and she returned to live with us for another 2 years before going away to school.

I did not believe Kay when she said she wanted me to miss Amy's graduation as it seemed like a ridiculous request. despite what you all may believe our relationship was fine after this event we were in near-daily contact and she would frequently visit us.

Comments

Angry-trans

YTA And have been for years. You are a bad father. Kay is correct. You are a liar. You've done nothing to prioritize Kay ever since your new family rolled in. Your relationship with your daughter is dead and the blood is on your hands.

calliatom

Seriously though... you never should have promised Kay that, knowing full well that you had no intention of keeping your word. And now you're being a bad father to Amy too, by trying to use her tears and guilt to dig yourself out of the grave you dug yourself with Kay.

CryptographerSuch753

Seems like all op cared about was getting his way in the moment. Seems like that may be a pattern

victoria12345678909

YTA - you replaced your kids mom with a new family 4 months after she died! Your kids lost their mom so young and you don’t seem like you prioritized their feelings or helped them deal with things, instead you moved on fast. Kay didn’t have a mother to attend her graduation and she needed you there. Could you not have driven to the grad then back to the hospital?

LadyDerri

Ten to One that Amy is his daughter. That's why he favors her.

Comments from OOP

Amy ended up having to get an emergency appendectomy, but at the time was visiting her Grandparents about a 4 hour drive from where we lived. Her grandmother didn't give us too much relevant information before we left, just that she had passed out and wouldn't wake up. On the way there we didn't know her condition or anything because her grandmother is a non-native English speaker and didn't understand a lot of the medical terms. once we got there and signed off on the surgery she ended up needing an additional 2 days in the hospital and wanted both of us by her side. During this time I repeatedly called and texted both my mother and son who were planning to attend the ceremony. I had every intention of calling/ video calling so that I could still support her, but she told everyone she didn't want me to be a part of it.

I didn't immediately move in Doreen and Amy once we started dating, we dated for over 2 years before we moved in together. My wife's death was not a sudden thing she battled cancer on and off for years before she passed. My children already knew/ were comfortable with Doreen as she was my late wife's best friend so I thought they would enjoy having her around more. I offered both children grief counseling, my son took me up on it, and I took Kay to a few sessions but she would kick/ scream/ cry every time I took her finally the counselor decided that forcing her before she was ready would only worsen her grief. I offered her therapy many times over the years, but she never took me up on it.

first of all, I knew Doreen for years before I even met my late wife, in fact, Doreen introduced us. I thought my kids would like having Doreen around as before my wife passed they loved her like an aunt. I did not move her in or make her a permanent part of our daily lives until over 2 years into our relationship. four months after my wife passed we agreed to explore our romantic feelings I explained what was going on in age-appropriate terms so they wouldn't be blindsided if they caught their dad kissing their "aunt".

**Judgement - YTA**

Update - 1 month later

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post an update after the reaction I got last time, I can stomach death threats against myself but directing such hatred toward my children was truly disturbing. But the graduation has come and gone and I thought I should share how it all went down. I'm sure most of you will be displeased.

Amy was mad at me for a few days, but we have a strong bond and she quickly got over it. The saint that she is said she would understand if I wanted to miss it to make it up to Kay. I told her I wouldn't do that to her and reassured her that she has done nothing wrong.

As for the elephant in the room, Kay, she and my son live in the same city and work in the same field so they're as close as ever. My son and his partner were giving her a lot of emotional support at this time. In the end, she decided not to attend Amy's graduation but sent flowers and a card with my son. There were a lot of nasty messages directed toward her, which I feel is completely unacceptable. She isn't mean or vindictive. She is a smart, very kind, very empathetic woman. She made a bizarre ultimatum as a confused and hurt teenager I certainly don't think that makes her a bad person.

I know all of you seem to think I hate my children, but the amount of pain I feel at the deterioration of my relationship with my daughter is unexplainable, I've been on and off anti-depressants since the death of my wife and at my therapist's suggestion will be going back on them. it's taking all of my willpower not to reach out to her again, but I've already disrespected her wishes enough. She can choose to reach out to me when and if she ever wants to again and I'll be waiting.

I know it's not the most impactful update and I'm sure most of you wanted to see me left miserable and alone, but I don't live my life for anyone else's entertainment. I can accept that I'm the asshole, maybe I'm an asshole in general, but I'm not some evil monster that you all want me to be. I'm a man that made the mistake of sharing his problems with the internet a mistake I won't be making again. I probably won't delete this account, but I'm not gonna be updating in the future. goodbye.

Comments

YogurtclosetWeird789

Look OP I get that you're human, just a man.

But you can't get away with the I made mistakes because you make the same ones over and over again.

I don't understand trolls and stupid people with the death threats or nasty messages about your kids it's wrong and disgusting.

The only issue here is YOU! The fact that claim to love Kay and how it is breaking your heart that she wants nothing to do with you is your own fault, every 'mistake' you made and repeated always seems to be against her. I don't actually think you care about Kay all that much as you still have Amy.

Now you've decided oh well I've fucked up again and made so many mistakes I'll just leave her alone and not confront the fact you failed her as a supportive father. OWN IT, Change your damn ways.

Believe me, you're not the worst dad out there. but you are a shitty one to Kay.

When will you wake up and realise without the self-pity that YOU have to be the one to make amends. Why on earth would she contact you?

Do you not care that one day she will get married and you won't be invited to the wedding or even to walk her down the aisle? When she has her first child and you find out through the grapevine instead of being a Grandpa?

Maybe one day she will forgive you, but not if your solution is to just give her space! seems to me she had a lot of space from you already. All she wanted was your time and sole attention for a bit, and you've never been able to give her that. I feel for both your son and daughter because it seems you have a favourite and you don't care as long as Amy is ok.

Let me guess and say your wife thinks it's best to give her the space? Amy may be a nice girl but I bet your wife has encouraged your behaviour.

It's honestly sad.

OOP: I'm giving Kay space because that's what she said she wants, I can't do anything other than that. No matter what I'm gonna still be there for her any way I can, but for the time being, I'm not going to pester her or beg for forgiveness because that's not what she wants. I HAVE made mistakes and at the top of that list is not listening to my children when they tell me exactly what they need from me.

AAP_BH

Even in this follow up post the way you speak about Kay, the disgust you feel for her oozes out. You claim so many people spoke badly of her in your previous post but those comments were minimal compared to the people that spoke badly of YOU, YOUR WIFE AND SAINT AMY but you don’t mention that, you still want Kay to be the “bad” daughter. Saying her request was “sad and bizarre” no it wasn’t.

It’s so convenient that this is when all of a sudden you realize you need to and will listen to Kay, not when she was begging you to choose her for once since your dear saint Amy came into your life. All you had to do was not go to a High School graduation and you couldn’t even do that.

You’re a horrible father to Kay and you will continue to be one. The fact that you still made the decision to put Amy over your freaking daughter is so sad, the fact that you cared so much more over Amy being upset over letting Kay down again says a lot. Leave Kay alone, don’t ever contact her again unless it’s to say flat out to her face that you are stepping down as a father since you know you will never be able to giver her the love and attention you give your true daughter Amy, that Amy will always come first. I had peritonitis, I was in the hospital (at 8yrs old) for almost a year on and off and my mom would leave to work , she was a single mother, and I was fine. Amy was a teenager, had A MOTHER AND GRANDPARENTS, she had appendicitis a common procedure, 2 freaking days before your daughters graduation and you couldn’t leave just for a day bc “Amy wanted me by her side”. My heart aches for Kay, knowing she is pretty much an orphan. Ughh parents like you I don’t freaking understand, you should’ve given up your rights as a father the moment you decided that your new family was more important than your children. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much hate for a stranger on Reddit.

ETA— by the way you sad excuse of a man, you didn’t make a mistake you made various CHOICES and DECISIONS to deliberately hurt your daughter. You DECIDED TO PUT AMY FIRST. You’re no victim, the only victim here is your ex daughter, Kay and probably her brother as well

Soft_Consequence2262

Oh Amy the Saint.... I got the same vibes. The Father is trying to paint Kay as the bad person that he needs to defend. Yet, can't go past without a shout out to how AMAZING Amy is... actually gives me the creeps. Feels like he has some weird obsession with her perfection.

[deleted]

Yeah the Amy the Saint really rubbed me the wrong way. It’s sad that despite everything, OP is still so delusional. I wish Kay a life of happiness, even if it means she would go NC with OP for life.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Thanks to for finding this BORU

Mood Spoiler - positive

- 22nd April 2024

- 9th May 2024

Should I decline an interview I know is a courtesy interview?

I recently applied for a position in a large hospital system I previously worked for (but in a completely different department this time). I knew from the beginning that I was receiving the benefit of a "friends and family" recommendation from the president of the hospital, whom the manager of this department directly reports to. I felt fine about this because my resume is strong and I know I would be a great fit for the position, but two days after my phone screening, I got a "sorry, there were just too many better qualified candidates" rejection email.

Fine. Not the end of the world.

But the same day the president became aware of this, I received a backtracking email from the recruiter along the lines of "I spoke with the hiring manager, and we decided that we would like to interview you after all, etc."

I know this is a courtesy interview. I'm flattered that the president put in a good word for me, but I feel stressed and defeated knowing this interview is happening not based on the worth they see in me, and that it's going to be a performative waste of time.

They're going to contact me sometime this week about scheduling the interview. Should I politely decline? I'm very burnt out on the job hunting/interview process already, which might be clouding my judgement, but there's no way there's an actual opportunity here, right? Any advice either way would be appreciated.

Comments

TomatoFamous4133

Attending the interview will not be a loss for you. Moreover, it will demonstrate your gratitude towards the president who has supported you. They had faith in you for a reason; now is the time to prove them right.

OOP: That's true, I hadn't thought of it that way. If nothing else, she extended herself to ensure I had the opportunity to interview, so it would be a bit rude to decline. Thanks for the perspective.

JoanofBarkks

I disagree with your take ;). The president wants you to be interviewed. You can't know if there isn't a second position open now or in the very near future. IMHO it's worth the effort to get your first interview with them. I wouldn't decline.

OOP: I appreciate your optimism 😂 But I'll take your advice. At the very least, I have the chance to make a good impression.

Schmoe20

However the light shines your way do not be discouraged because it came from a unexpected direction than you perceived was the best way. Life throws us many opportunities from assorted angles. I’m happy for you getting a chance to be considered and to be where you have been favored as a person of value to work with and have on the team.

OOP: Thank you! I appreciate your kind words.

OOP: EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who has replied and offered insight. I realize now that I was too much in my head, and my assumption that there was nothing to gain was shortsighted. I appreciate the advice, and I plan to accept the chance I've been given, do my best, and see what comes out of it.

Update - 17 days later

tl;dr: I was given the opportunity to interview for my dream position based on the recommendation of the organization's president (whom I know from previously working there). I assumed the interview was just a "courtesy interview" and there was no way I'd land the position.

So...I'm very glad I ended up listening to everyone's advice and taking the interview seriously despite thinking I had no chance. I got the job!

The interview went really, really well. The department head and I had a fantastic conversation after the formal part of the interview was over, and I got the sense right away that we would work well together. Apparently, she felt the same!

Additionally, I found out that the decision itself had nothing to do with the president's interference. After I received the offer, I reached out to thank her for her referral, and she flat-out told me, "I didn't do anything, the hiring decision was completely up to [hiring manager]. If he didn't think you were the best candidate, you wouldn't have been hired. He and [department head] were really impressed with you."

I start in June, and I'm beyond excited. A huge thank you to everyone who offered advice!

Comments

meangreen23

I remember reading this! I’m glad it worked out! You may have been more relaxed since you didn’t think you had a chance and were able to really let yourself shine! Either way, congrats!

OOP: Thanks so much! That could definitely have been the case. I prepared well but went into it with a, "I have nothing to lose," attitude. Whatever it was, I'm so happy it worked out!

soccerguys14

Nice. I remember your post. Glad you went and it worked out. Is this a big step up for you? Raise follow? Hope you enjoy the new gig OP.

OOP: Thank you! It's a step up into a professional position in my field, where I'd previously worked as a paraprofessional. I got my master's last year, so this is my first position that requires that degree. The salary and location is much better as well.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP, this was originally posted in and is two sisters giving their own sides of a story.

TW: religion, cults, grooming/child marriage, domestic abuse, child abuse

by (posted April 27th, 2024)

My older sister (F31) we will call her Jessie, went no contact with me and the rest of the family close to 10 years ago. I was 13 when this happened all I remembered was I came home from school with my other siblings and both of my parents told me that Jessie was no longer a part of our family and that she chose satan over family and I remember being crushed. I think I cried when they first told me because I felt like she just abandoned me. After that conversation, my parents banned us from speaking about Jessie and removed all photos of her around the house. The months that went on without Jessie the more I grew to hate her and got angry that she chose satan over our family.

Meanwhile, for me, I stayed very much loyal to my parents…I studied the Bible day and night and was active in my church, just so I could prove to my parents I was not like Jessie. At 16 my parents signed off and I got married to my now husband. Then 6 months after our wedding, I got pregnant with my first child and I had a tough birth. It was an at-home birth and to put it in simpler terms I almost died…I lost a lot of blood and on top of that went into heart failure. I didn’t know but Jessie tried showing up to the hospital but my parents had security escort her out. Jessie tried to reach out to me numerous times throughout the years but I always blocked her because I was under the impression she was an apostate.

Fast forward to now, I’m 23 and I have 4 daughters. Also recently found out I was pregnant and I went to an eye doctor appointment and guess who was at the front desk. My older sister Jessie. I was kinda stuck for a moment because a part of me wanted to just hug her and tell her how much I missed her. But I just couldn’t given everything I was told about her. She tried to make small talk with me but I gave her the cold shoulder a bit…towards the end of my visit. She gave me a card with her number and told me to please meet up with her to explain her side. After 3 days of going back and forth with myself, I decided to meet up with her, for closure initially. She told me she never wanted to leave me but the church left her no choice. Her ex-husband that she was married to while she was in the church was abusive towards her and was beating the crap out of her and she begged our minister to be released from marriage and he didn’t allow it.. since she was scared for her and my nephew’s life she left.

As awful as it sounds I did not believe her, because her ex husband got remarried to one of my friends and she has no visible signs of abuse or let alone told me she was getting hurt by him. She then went into how our parents are a part of a cult and how it destroyed our family. I remember I did get angry with her and started calling her apostate, and that she was lying to protect herself from sin. She then just lets me have it and says “ I’ve been trying to be nice to you because even if you don’t like feel like it you're a victim. You were a child bride that also dropped out of school to become a wife & mother. The only reason why the church is nice to you is because of your daughters and they don’t want to piss you off and lose the girls. If you want to continue to be brainwashed and spineless be my guest, but if you can’t leave for yourself leave for your daughters” Then she just gets up and leaves.

Ever since that conversation, I’ve been replaying everything I was ever taught in my life and questioning it … I've been googling, reading Reddit stories..but thinking about the religion I invested so much time into being a complete lie..is honestly too hurtful to think about. Especially my husband…is our relationship a lie? Did he groom me or was he also a victim of the circumstances of our religion? I have the answer to none of these questions and I quite honestly don’t know if I want to know.

EDIT: thank you everyone for the feedback, Ive been reading all the comments and to answer a couple repeitive questions. I don't feel comfortable revealing what church Im apart of given i have no idea if anyone actually creeps on reddit and I dont want to risk it. secondly my husband, he's not abusive towards me and never once hit me or his daughters. but also he works 60hrs a week so our time together is limited these days. As far as my sister she has sent me a follow up text after our conversation apologizing to me for being blunt with me and I havent responded because I still have soo much to think about and have virtually nowhere to start it feels. but also I want to apologize if I came across as a victim blamer in my post thats never my intention.

from the older sister (posted May 1st, 2024):

Hey, It's " Jessie" I'm glad you took my advice and did some research and looked at subreddits about everything I told you like two weeks ago !! It is a shame that you never responded to me and did not follow up on anything, i really wish you would just talk to me. However like I've been saying this entire time I would help you and my nieces in any way to get you out of the situation. Still, your actions, however.. have made it seem like you are not interested given how much detail you have conveniently left out regarding our parents, Your husband, and the reason why I left. Because your husband is 35 years old? I have no idea why you made him younger in these comments. Also maybe you do not know but Mom and Dad had him picked out for you prior to him even asking to court you..right when you were only 13 his name was being thrown out as a suitor for you so idk why you made it seem like it's a women's choice in the comments when it never is and you know that. I know you know the organization is wrong because you refused to answer a lot of questions in these comments and how you conveniently left out a lot of things.

I love you. but I hope you wake up soon and stop purposefully being delusional and protect my nieces from the men in the organization... you know the same men that protected the guy that molested you and I was the only person that believed you? I know you know deep down that they deserve better lives. I know you are a victim of the organization and suffered probably way more than me at this point. Our parents failed us both and never protected us and I wish more than anything I could have protected you better and taken you with me when I left. Again I love you please don't become like our parents.

by (posted May 1st, 2024)

I saw that my sister posted here and the post gathered a lot of traction so I thought it would be necessary to share my side I’m Jessie in her story, and I commented on her post I don’t remember her exact username. But I’m here to offer a bit of better context.

My little sister is in a religious cult that she’s willingly participating in and in my opinion putting my nieces in potential harm's way. I know she sees me as some devil that was sent by satan to tempt her but I’m most definitely not that…I'm not gonna say what church to protect my sister, however, she should face some accountability given she’s an adult now. But to start from the beginning, we come from a big family of 8 siblings total of 6 boys and the other 2 which are me and my sister. I pretty much raised my siblings being the 3rd oldest especially my younger sister and it kinda hurt that she brushed past that in her post. But moving on I looked after her and my siblings until I was married off which was when I was 18 and it would probably be 16 if I wasn’t firm about finishing high school, but I didn’t want to get married and the only reason why I married my ex-husband was because he was the only suitor at the time in the religion, that was okay about me continuing my studies and go to college. I regret that now given he was lying he got me pregnant right away and was an abuser. I’m not going to go into detail but he would have most likely killed me or my son if it wasn’t for me leaving when I did. My son was also the main factor in why I left, so it’s baffling to me that my sister has 4 daughters and does not ever have the urge to leave. Instead continued to listen to these same men who told me I needed to stay with my abuser…because it was a testament from god that I needed to get through it with my husband.

Then my birth givers, honestly they should be in jail if you ask me. Especially my father He’s a shit person.. I saw him fistfight with my brothers regularly back when he was like 200 pounds and my brothers were like 80 pounds. He has never hit me personally but I have seen him quite literally knock the wind out of my mother and we were conditioned to think that was normal and it wasn’t. I know my sister is not going to like me bringing in our parents because the way her life is now is thanks to them. But I mean it has its benefits because she’s probably the golden child for them. Because she’s not the difficult child and is the one who does what she’s told.

Now her husband, He’s 35 years old. So yes he was 28 marrying a 16-year-old!! Before you ask how is that legal? In my awful state, you can get married at 16 with parental permission, and on top of that, the age of consent is 16 years old. So everything was legal. I remember when I first heard she was getting married to her husband, I tried everything in my power to stop the marriage from going through…I got the police involved and they were absolutely useless. Because of the First Amendment and on top of that, they privately interviewed my little sister and she basically said she’s not being forced to do anything against her will. So there’s nothing the cops could do. I still get mad at this situation to this day... Luckily her husband is not abusive..she got extremely lucky there. But he’s still horrible in my opinion it’s absolutely ridiculous how she has either been pregnant or had a baby on her hip the entirety of their marriage so far. She couldn’t finish high school because of the lack of help with the baby plus he nearly killed my sister…when he pushed for an at-home birth knowing she had preeclampsia and he also threatened me with a restraining order when I tried to go see her in the hospital.

Now back to our conversation 2 weeks ago, you really hurt me when you didn’t believe me about my abuse. Like I was honestly devastated that you would believe a man who signed his rights away as a father to protect his image than me your sister? But I also know you’re extremely naïve and have been severely brainwashed, so I’m not mad at you. But I was indeed hurt by you…given everything you ever told me I believed you, without any hesitation. Also when you didn’t want to bring your daughters to meet my kids….That hurt me also. Especially seemingly you didn’t want to acknowledge my kids when we met up. I’m saying this because I want you to know that your actions do have cause and effect on other people because I don’t think you understand that fully. I hate that I have resorted to a Reddit post to get your freaking attention but maybe once you see the countless people in here saying the same thing maybe you would realize I’m on your side and I've always been on your side. The people in that organization only care about you and your family because you have daughters & you’re still willing to pop more kids out for them and blindly follow them. Again I will repeat myself I will help you if you let me…but as of right now, you’re not letting me.

UPDATE: I'm so glad this gained traction and you guys got my sister to respond to me so thank you !! however, it wasn't what I wanted to hear. we talked on the phone for about 3hrs today and it was a lot of back and forth. To put it quite simply my sister does not want to leave her husband, but she does want to leave the religion. so she wants time to potentially convince him to leave with her. In my humble opinion, I don't see him leaving the church, But she thinks otherwise. I then asked her if she would still leave If he didn't want to and she didn't give me a firm yes or no the only thing she said wants to wait until she has her baby since she is pregnant. I'm kinda disappointed I am not going to lie, it sounds like she was making excuses to shut me up. I'm sorry it's not the update y'all wanted to hear. I would hate for her to leave me no choice and to go nuclear on her and get my friend who's a social worker to get CPS involved. But I'm not going to do that yet I'm going to calm down for now, but it's just frustrating trying to talk sense into anyone that's so brainwashed and sees me as like one of satan's disciples.

REMINDER: This is a repost sub. I am not the OOP.

Able to send messages but when I send a pic I receive an error and when I tap to retry it doesn’t work.

I use mobile for almost everything because I have some disabilities. I have had multiple occasions where I went to reply to a modmail only to have it unban a user instead, because the two elements are basically on top of each other.

Please add a confirmation to unbanning. It is incredibly embarrassing to have a user receive a message that they’ve been unbanned, only to have to send another one saying they’re banned again.

I tried to post a picture yesterday, after I added the pictures and hit the "post" icon it just kept spinning and never went through. I haven't made any changes to my account, I'm kinda stuck as far as a solution.

Originally chronicled .

I am not the OOP. OOP is

This was originally posted in

2 updates

(recovered via pushpull)

Trigger warning: mention of domestic violence situation

I’m married to a woman who acts like a teenage girl – February 6th, 2024

My wife behaves like a teenage girl and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

This is just a rant. Curious to know how many full grown adults behave the way my wife does. I’d say out of all of the adult women I know, like friends, relatives, wives of my friends, none of them behave this way unless they keep it a closely guarded secret.

Editing right here to add that my wife is in her 30s, for context.

My wife is always obsessed with somebody, a man or sometimes multiple men at one time. Usually there is one or two main focuses at a time. When I talk obsessed I mean obsessed like a teenage girl or maybe even preteen girl would be. I’ve seen pictures of her bedroom when she was that age and they were literally wallpapers in posters of her favorite guys. That’s totally normal for a 13 year old girl. She still behaves that way as a woman in her 30s. Granted, our bedroom walls aren’t wallpapered in posters but they probably would be if I allowed it.

Her obsessions have ranged from rock stars, actors, non-entertainment industry public figures. It’s like one day she hasn’t even heard of the guy in question and the next day she’s super fan #1 and knows just about everything there is to know about him. She will read and watch everything there is to watch about the man. She will bring him up in every conversation. She will adopt parts of him into her own personality. She will suggest things that make it clear to me that she wants me to adopt characteristics of these men as part of my appearance or personality. She will openly admit to me that she’s masturbated over the guy multiple times in one day.

When she finds a new man to obsess over, she puts the others in her little stable of men who she always has a place for in her heart and in her fantasies, so they never really go away. The new man just takes center stage and becomes the main focus of almost her entire life.

So the current obsession is so strange to me. Never saw this one coming, but leave it to her to always find somebody new to fall in love with. The intensity that she has during these periods - it’s honestly like she falls in love with these men.

I’m laughing so hard just typing this all. Her current obsession is Bret Hart, former pro wrestler. This woman had never watched wrestling before in her life. Always thought that stuff was below her. And now she’s obsessed with this former pro-wrestler. She watched one show about him, for reasons I’m not aware of, and I could tell almost instantly where it was headed. I thought “here we go…” So now the Bret Hart obsession is in full swing. Has she already dropped close to $1000 in vintage Bret Hart shirts on eBay? Of course. Bought all the stickers and magnets and all sorts of other stupid crap she can find? Yep. Does she send me Bret Hart YouTube clips all.day.long when she’s supposed to be working? Yes she does.

So, I better get to work brushing up on my Bret Hart knowledge and tag lines. This is the key to getting laid when it comes to her. I’m used to this by now. It’s just not something that I can easily explain to anyone I know.

I mean, there’s are things I’m a fan of, but she is next level. I can’t think of anyone I know who is her age and acts like this. She was voted most likely to grow up and become a groupie when she was in high school, so this is absolutely nothing new for her. Sigh.

Many are lighthearted in the comments

plastic_Schedule_891

I mean he's the best there is, was and ever will be so that one makes sense at least .

You don’t think I’m hearing that 10 times a day now?

I better start planning that trip to Calgary.

Limerence is mentioned

poopchutethemoon

Yeah my bouts of limerence have been with people I’ve dated but reading that made me realize that I was very much being obsessive and it was totally all consuming. Glad it’s over honestly. Those feelings are exhausting.

Very interesting to hear you say the feelings are exhausting. It’s like a full time job for my wife, so I could see that. She told me she’s at work with her door closed pretending to be working, but she’s really watching Bret Hart videos on YouTube. She can’t even focus on her job.

OOP reveals more of the life he’s signed up for in the comments

get-bread-not-head

You've pretended to act like other men for 20 years?!

Damn dude, I hope you're finding ways to accept it and cope. That sounds rough, having to be someone else to have sex... stay strong king

Nah, I just learn their catchphrases or gain some deep fan knowledge that’ll impress her or maybe perfect a vocal impersonation of them that I can drop at the opportune time. The vocal impersonations work the best as far as making her like me and being like “ok, wanna have sex now?”

another_canoe

But what do you guys actually share *together*? That's not related to the obsession of the season? (I'm not going to even bother asking if she's tried to learn about any of your hobbies/interests).

NGL, this is all pretty grim to me, my man....and I'm someone who loves having a partner who is passionate about things and nerds out.

I fear that you've spent so long with her infatuations steamrolling over your own interests and preferences that you have convinced yourself that getting attention-by-proxy as your main source of validation from your SPOUSE is a healthy way to live.

If I told you that I was big into anime and Japanese RPGs and the only way I get interested in doing it with my actual wife is if she adopts the catch phrases /personality characteristics of my latest "waifu", would you feel some concern for my wife's mental health?

I'm also wondering about this spending....

She’s pretty dismissive of my interests and hobbies. I’ve told her I’d like her to try to pretend to show a little more interest sometimes. I make an effort to show real interest in her stuff and she does not do the same. I’m very into music and I do geek out over guitars and gear and things like that and she couldn’t tell you anything about any of the guitars I own other than “he has a blue one, he has a red one. “ We do love some of the same bands. Of course she wants to fuck the band members and I just want to talk about the chord progression on my favorite guitar tracks, but it’s close enough. We like a lot of the same movies and that sort of thing. We have the same sense of humor and can keep each other laughing for ages. We have a lot of the same views on life and on the world in general.

I don’t know, we just get each other I guess.

I would be concerned about the waifu thing, but I guess in my case she always likes guys who I think are pretty cool anyway. She has good taste, at least. If she has to be obsessing over some other guy constantly at least she does it over guys I can respect on some level.

Regarding the spending, I spend way more than she does. Only difference is it’s not usually fan merch I’m buying. But she tolerate my spending when it comes to stuff like guitar gear. She rolls her eyes and reprimands me but she tolerates it and just knows I won’t stop. I’m the same when it comes to her fan stuff. I get it, she wants the vintage 1993 Bret Hart shirt that costs hundreds…not a modern shirt that just anyone could go online and buy for $25 right now. She wants the cool, rare stuff. I’m the same with my guitars so I guess it’s like we understand each other in some way. I think it’s weird to become a fan of somebody and 2 days later drop thousands on them though. At least my money pit is consistent.

I think we both feel like we’re the only person who will semi understand and tolerate all of this stuff from each other

Not included here, but in several comments, OOP definitely brings up his wife’s looks as a positive in the relationship and he finds her antics at times amusing or even attractive.

1st Update - February 28th, 2024

I recently wrote about my wife suddenly discovering former pro-wrestler Bret “The Hitman” Hart one day after never even knowing of his existence, experienced love at first site, and is now even deeper than love with him then she was a month ago.

Tonight, I experienced a good hour of her sobbing, literal sobs, after watching the Bret Hart A&E biography. “I just love him so much. I love him with all my heart. I don’t want any more bad things to happen to him. Also, I’m very jealous he’s not my husband.”

She also went from not wanting any kids to suddenly wanting a baby so she can name it Bret (a girl or a boy, doesn’t matter…they will be named Bret). And she almost had me convinced, but I blame that on the heat of the moment.

She’s bought all sorts of clothes just like his. My wife now dresses like Bret Hart in and outside of the ring.

The past few days she’s been acting really annoyed with me. Finally I’m like “Wtf am I doing wrong?” I bought you Bret Hart stuff for your birthday! I call you Mrs. Bret Hart now, even though you’re my wife. I even sent you flowers at work from Bret. I mean that was supposed to get me points because she knew they were from me and I was playing into her obsession which she’s now apparently shared with everyone she works with. They’ve bought her a giant Bret Hart wall decal for her office.

Ok, so I did forget our anniversary which was very recently. Totally forgot it. Then again, so did she. She was too busy masturbating over Bret Hart to remember our wedding anniversary. I mean bad husband points for me obviously but all the birthday gifts had to have made up for it. I mean, I even ordered a Bret Hart birthday banner and got her a Bret Hart themed birthday cake as if she were a 7 year old boy in the year 1994.

So why is she acting so annoyed lately? Why does she act like she hates me and can’t stand to even be in the same room as me? She finally admits…I’m not Bret Hart. None of her obsession have ever been this bad. She’s seriously threatening me with divorce now because I’m not Bret Hart! She “just wants a guy like that.” She had to go walk the dog today and cry over it, how much she hates me and wishes she was married to Bret Hart. Oh fuck me you want a guy like your dad because that’s what Bret Hart is like…exactly like her dad, the same look, the same hair, the same damn age.

I told her I think she should get checked out for autism or some other sort of disorder. Her obsessions have never been this bad. She should make an appointment now because the waitlist is long. She just laughed. There’s nothing wrong with her. She just has different taste in men now, according to her.

Some comments

psychick

Therapist here - she needs to see a psychiatrist. This is mental illness to the extreme. Either she goes, or you leave. This is ultimatum territory. And, stop giving into her obsession. It makes it worse.

nualt42

Man, when she threatens divorce, take it. Jump at the chance.

Hell, sit, be a good boy and offer your fucking paw if that’s what it takes to get treated to an exit strategy. Don’t worry about dignity, sounds like you gave that up a long time ago.

She’s even looked up the divorce process for where we live and says we can be amicable about everything. She assures me she’s not looking to take any thing that is rightfully mine. She just wants a clean break.

Sophie3546

I’m surprised he even lasted this long. Calling her “Ms. Bret Hart” …..I can’t even fathom.

Excuse me, it’s MRS Bret Hart, not Ms.

NEW UPDATE - March 8th, 2024

Hi, you might remember me as the guy whose wife was obsessed with JFK (35th President of the United States), then experienced a world wind romance with former WWF pro-wrestler Bret Hart (the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be), but now she’s met a new man. I thought the Bret Hart obsession was the worst one yet. Never has she threatened divorce or told me she hated me because I wasn’t the object of her desire. Luckily, that was a relatively quick love affair for her. 3-4 months is a short run for her and one of her men. But I should be careful what I wish for.

This new one is the first time I’ve felt that I should maybe, just possibly, feel legitimately scared. Her newly developing obsession is Patrick Bateman. Yep, the character from American Psycho. Specifically, the movie version played by Christian Bale.

It’s not like she’s just met the guy. She’s seen the movie before but it doesn’t appear that they hit it off initially. Now, she’s suddenly started making constant reference to him. Bret is gone and now it’s just Patrick Bateman and maniacal laughter and purchasing all of the items in his skin care routine. I’d like to see her do 1000 crunches though. That’ll be the day.

She has always admitted to living the 80s preppy/yuppie look. She loves assholes. Assholes are a weakness for her. Psychopaths? Hmm…that’s a new one, unless you count the time she was in love with the Menendez Brothers years ago. God, the pastel Ralph Lauren sweaters she used to try to make me wear. Pastels are just not my shades.

Now, there was a time many years ago where I did have to hide all the knives in our home. I was legitimately scared that she was going to murder me. I forget what she was upset about now. I am, after all, her type - an asshole. I did something that bothered her and she ran for the knives. I had to hide them and then lock myself in a bedroom because she was literally chasing me. That was before she decided that she’d be the female Patrick Bateman. Granted, she says “only mean in the looks and snob department-nothing else.”

She’s trying to determine what the female equivalent to a Patrick Bateman hairstyle would be right now. I’m just worried about the bank account with this obsession. The amount she’ll spend on business cards alone.

Comments

lemonade_sparkle

Your wife is severely mentally ill, and needs help quickly.

Is there no chance of persuading her to get help?

If not, what preparations have you made to leave her?

I’m a strange way, I think these obsessions are what keep her sane.

Her getting help is funny though. It’s not going to happen. Sure I’ve tried to persuade her to see a therapist but she just won’t.

ctIaTErA

I probably shouldn’t be laughing as hard as I am right now. This is truly bizarre. Does she narrate her morning routine in the mirror each day now?

But in all seriousness, she’s chased you with a knife? Thats far more concerning than any of the obsessions with these men, and yes I did read the post about the wrestler. I thought it was just very quirky behavior before, but she seems truly unhinged now.

It was years ago. Like 10+ years ago. I’m much stronger than her so it’s not hard to hold her down if need be.

I AM NOT OOP

NO BRIGADING, NO HARASSMENT